Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 110 Elmer Studios: Episode 116 part two [Spoony Bard Mix] Original by Benjamin D. Hutchins and Brian D. Bikowicz, for Eyrie Productions MiSTed by the Scott Faulkner Blues Review: the Black Snotling Nicholas Eckert TV's Gavok Damien "SAMAS" Hailey Asako Hisamatsu James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight David "Ice Fenix" LaSalle Signus Megido Mua Nippy Mark Poa S.D. Ryukage Shelby "Darkheart One" Scott John Stoddert Tiffa ...with special guest writers: Alicia Ashby Alex Fauth Keith Palmer Aided and abetted by Kevin Kanda and Thomas Shin Edited with a chainsaw by Thomas Wilde Supa Merging assistance by S.D. =========== DISCLAIMER: =========== Welcome to Mystery Octagon Theater, where self-inserts take on self-inserts in a no-rules steel-cage grudge-match lucha with no holds barred! This is a MiSTing with a non-standard cast, so be warned before you start reading. It's rated R for language, violence, and enough WAFFing to send you into insulin shock. Parents, get your children's permission before you read. Please leave all feedback on this MiSTing at: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 For our big tenth MiSTing, we thought it'd be fun to recruit other MSTers who've worked on Eyrie Productions' fanfiction. If you're interested in the work of our guest writers, please visit: SVAM, at http://www.svamcentral.org/svam/, and Elmer Studios, at http://www.elmerstudios.com This MSTing begins at part two of an ongoing series. You can read a MSTed version of Part One, by Keith Palmer, at: http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/mot/Undocumented-Features.txt ======== [5... 4... 3... 2... 1... go.] ======== [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [REBECCA, RACEWING, LYNXARA, TIFF, and DARKHEART are drinking sodas and/or beer. RACE is on the floor; everyone else has a seat on one of the couches. TIFF looks a bit distracted.] LYNX: --not *bad*, per se. Not yet, anyway. DH1: It's still like walking in on someone's fever dream, though. Robotech, Dirty Pair, all the Pink Floyd... REBECCA: I've seen worse. RACE: Oh, yes. DH1: Well, yeah. But if you look at it as a wish-fulfillment fanfic, it makes more sense and it isn't quite all that annoying. Granted, I don't know why it's still on the Web, but it's not actually offensive. REBECCA: But you gotta admit that it's fairly irritating. Kei and Yuri should've blown up that starship by now, and-- TIFF: Wait a minute. REBECCA : What? TIFF: Have you seen any of the loons lately? [ALL look around the apartment, then back at each other. Beat.] [Scene: the roof of the Elmer Studios apartment building. MMK is seated behind a drum set. GAVOK has a Fisher-Price keyboard guitar. TBS is trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to balance a mike and a stand-up bass.] TBS: Thank you! Thank you! GAVOK : I'd like to thank my brother George. [MMK does that weird drummer thing where he twirls one drumstick between the middle and ring fingers of one hand.] TBS: Here's a little somethin' I think you'll *really* like! ------ The All Loon Revue "Benjamin Says II (With Apologies To Jane's Addiction)" Too Extreme For Bavarian Cream Snotling Productions Dir: Spike Jonze ------ Ben says He's all done with U.F. Says it was his early work. He puts The story on his web page But some folk ask him To write sequels. So then; The Wedge went to space On a mission To make a delivery To where they built the ENTERPRISE! Except it isn't the ENTERPRISE... Zone got mad Yuri starts to cry She took a mech and Went into space! Zone don't mean no harm He just don't know It's wrong to talk to your best friend's wife. Ben says- Have you seen Yuri round? No; 'cause you fucked up And she thinks That you don't really love her But that's OK, man She don't exist anyway. So they got their fancy toys And took off space In the manner of the ENTERPRISE But faster than the ENTERPRISE And cooler than the ENTERPRISE... They catch up to the girls And have a little talk. Ben waits. Discusses Descartes. Ignoring the urgings in his pocket. Kei says She's not really real. No she don't know what it is Only exists if someone wants her I wonder if you want me I need you to want me... And Ben got mad. Starts to cry. But real men aren't ASHAMED TO CRY! He din't mean no harm- Just born to destiny. And accidentally made AI... BEN... SAYS... BEN... SAYS... [Fade] ------ The All Loon Revue "Benjamin Says II (With Apologies To Jane's Addiction)" Too Extreme For Bavarian Cream Snotling Productions Dir: Spike Jonze ------ TBS: Thank you, Sydney! Thank you! We love you! We love-- [There is a brief chatter of automatic weapons fire. GAVOK pitches backward in a spray of blood.] RANDOM AUSTRALIAN: SHUT UP! [More gunfire. MMK takes cover as his drum set is punctured.] RACE and DH1 appear on the roof just in time to duck bullets.] DH1 : Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into. RACE: C'mon, guys! The movie's starting again! MMK: You know, I think I'd rather take my chances with the wallaby gunman over there. GAVOK: ...ow. TBS: Seriously, guys, do we *have* to-- [A bullet knocks TBS' hat clean off his head.] TBS: --so, then! Movie? GAVOK: Lightweight. [ALL exeunt.] ======== TIFF: What were you guys doing? RACE: It's better if you don't know. REBECCA : Hey, the Naked Guy's awake. That's a surprise. > -------------------------------------------------------ELEVEN RACE : This chapter goes to eleven. > "As your body grows bigger/Your mind will flower/It's > great to learn/'Cause knowledge is power" > --School House Rock TBS: And people wonder where Americans learn the majority of their knowledge. GAVOK: True dat. > "Zoner, you wished to speak to me?" Lord Fahrvergnugen asked. LYNX : No, not really. You're kind of boring. REBECCA : Yes. Is it true you're the illegitimate son of Bumblebee? > "Yeah, I've got a few ideas I want to bounce off of > you." DH1 : Hold still. GAVOK : Good thing you've got such a thick skull. > "What type of ideas?" REBECCA: Well, there's this sitcom he's been working on in his spare time... > "Well, here, look at this," Zoner said, spreading out [TBS looks mildly ill.] TIFF: What? TBS : Bad image. Brain dirty. > the plans for the Daytona from Hell's "beta" unit. "I think > this would help out a lot, sort of a captain's launch, and > I'd like to make it combat capable." GAVOK: *Boing!* > "Hmmm, I see you have been busy. It is a good design." RACE : It's obviously not *yours*. > "Thanks, by the way, how large do warp engines have to > be? And what about weapons?" MMK : Didn't I tell you, boy? You're going to be a Scout. LYNX : What? No! MMK : Oh, come on. LYNX : No! MMK : But that's how I planned it from the beginning! LYNX : No! > "Well, microwarp engines can be fairly small, in fact > you could possibly install a pair. Here and here, along the > flanks. REBECCA: Yes, but will it have furry dice? > And as for weapons, it depends on the kind." > "Well, what do you have?" MMK : All we have left is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels. GAVOK : Oh, okay. I'll take those. > "Conventional projectiles, directed energy, missiles, > mass drivers, you name it." TBS: It's Crazy Wolfgang's Carnage Hut! DH1: Don't forget to put on an NRA window sticker. RACE: Massachussetts drivers? That'll be good for confusion and scare tactics... > "Well, hmmm, I'd like the basic Daytona to be capable on > its own, and the `beta' should function independently. So, > how about installing an upgraded fusion turbine, REBECCA : *coughcough* MONTY HAUL GM! *coughcough* > and using an energy bleed to power a couple of plasma weapons > firing through the fascia. TBS: Isn't that, uh, purple? TIFF: Damn it, Snot, that's *fuschia*. > And how big are missiles?" GAVOK : They're HUGE! > "Well, long-range missiles are twenty feet long, but > that is too large. Short range missiles are about five feet long, > and mini-missiles are two feet long." REBECCA: Will all this be on the test? > "Two feet? Hmmm. Where where where? I could put them > in the undercarriage, that's fine for space, but on the > ground they're useless. TIFF: Save for providing work for highway construction crews. > But still, MMK : I'm attractive, don't you think? > how about two short rangers GAVOK : I've got a warehouse full of midgets at my house, ready to go! > mounted retracted along the frame rails, the entire > undercarriage is covered in armor sheeting anyway. We just > have to be careful of the hover ports. I've got it! > We split the rear bumper! DH1: "If you can read this bumper sticker, you're about to be blown up." > A gang of four MMK : What was it, Honey? Gang of Five? Gang of Six? RACE : Gang of Four, sir. MMK : Of course. > mini-missiles should fit in each side, the ends pop open and I > can fire to the sides, or when separated they slide out a rotate > to lie along the sides so they aim forwards." REBECCA: My gawds, he's drooling over his fictional car. > "Good thinking, original and functional. GAVOK: *Boing!* REBECCA: Shouldn't Wolfgang have his own yes-men for this kind of thing? MMK : You called, my liege? TBS : Yeah, the pothead wants to talk to me. Detain him. > What about this `beta' unit?" GAVOK: Who, Cycloid? MMK: No, see, that'd actually be *cool*. > "Well, since the airlock is centered in the rear with > the three Cyclones in the starboard corner and the Garland in > the port corner, TIFF: As well as the walk-in wardrobe. > there isn't much room for rear firing > weapons. I do have an affection for one weapon in > particular, and it should fit along the center line on top." > "What weapon is this?" REBECCA: The Nerf Gun Of Doom! > "The General Electric GAU-8/A Avenger 30mm rotary > cannon: seven barrels of death," Zoner said with an evil grin. RACE : Hey, Gryph! My cannon's bigger than yours! GAVOK: He's got the MA driver theme down pat! > "I believe we can manufacture one without many > problems," Wolfgang said, returning the grin. TBS: Boy, Wolfgang's the father-cum-authority figure who keeps on giving. > "Great. Now, we take up the rest of the roof with a VLS setup." > "VLS?" TBS: Very Large Sandwich? REBECCA: Venom Loathes Spidey? MMK: Video Lotto System! GAVOK: Vermillion Likes Shotguns! *Yeah*! > "Vertical Launch System. TBS: Oh yeah! They did "Everything You Want"! TIFF: Don't make me come over there. > I figure we can put one hundred micro-missiles up there. MMK : And you'd be wrong, Genius Boy. REBECCA : Oh, yeah, like *you* know. MMK : There's room for sixty-three. REBECCA : Hey! MMK : That's exactly as I planned it. REBECCA : Yeah, well, eat me. > The `beta' is about eight > feet by twenty feet, not counting the overhang over the car, > so that gives one hundred sixty square feet, and each missile > takes up what, a square foot including launch box? MMK : Actually, it takes up a square foot and a *half*, so... *you're* wrong *again*. REBECCA : What? How the hell did you measure it that quickly? MMK : That's exactly as I planned it. REBECCA : Oh. ...Hey! Shut up! > I figure we mount them TBS : No, that's a bit too pervy for me. Thanks anyway, though. > starting on the outer edges and work towards > the center, that'll leave the center three feet for the GAU-8 REBECCA : Gau-8... GAU-8! > and associated systems. We can hang four long range missiles > under the `beta', and a rack of ten short range missiles in > fold out pontoons, like in the RAH-66 Comanche. LYNX: I think Zoner's going for the "longest technobabble speech in history" award. What do the rest of you think? [MOST are snoozing quietly.] GAVOK: I think he's already there. > Tracking can be provided by a phased array radar, a la an Aegis system. GAVOK: Gah. Now the thing has homing lasers. LYNX: I wonder if it qualifies as "Munchkin" now... GAVOK: It's still outranked by Gryphon's "Gryphon"-caliber. > And the Daytona from Hell still has its radar shielding." > "Don't get carried away, lad. LYNX : We have to watch the *budget*, man. MMK : I mean, shit, you aren't even up to the cup holders and air-conditioning system yet. > I think we'll be able to handle this. I'll have my crew get right > on it. Can I take these drawings?" REBECCA: I sense a wacky patent infringement suit coming on. > "Sure, and thanks." > "No problem, MMK : That's exactly as I planned it. [TIFF gives MMK a look.] > I like to see you take the initiative." > With that Lord Fahrvergnugen swept out of the room. [Dust suddenly fills the apartment. ALL start coughing.] > "Why does he always have to sweep out of a room like > that?" Zoner mumbled to himself. RACE : His pushbroom *must* be starting to wear down by now. > "Excuse me, Lord Fahrvergnugen?" Gryphon called out in > the corridor. MMK : What is it, my child? TIFF : Your fly is open. MMK : That's exactly as I planned it. TIFF: Damn it, MMK, you are *not* sneaking that in as a catchphrase. MMK : But that's exactly as I planned it! TIFF: Cut that out! I *hate* it when people repeat things over and over! RACE : What you say !! [TIFF twitches.] > "Please, call me Wolfgang now." REBECCA : But call me Wolfy, and you die. > "Ok, Wolfgang, TBS: Hey! He's Scottish now! DH1 : Ok, laddie! GAVOK: That's what happens when you go to the Quaint Scottish Public House! TIFF: Could you *not* remind me of that, please? > I was wondering if I could mention some ideas to you?" > "Of course, I've just come from speaking with MegaZone. TIFF : I was hoping to take a break from unconditionally approving everything you think of, but hey--I'm rolling! > "Out of curiosity, what type of fightercraft will we be > using? DH1 : Lego. > "We are in the process of gearing up to produce VF-1 > Valkyrie fighters for those who request them, but the main > units will be using the Alpha-Beta Legios system." LYNX : Although I don't know *why* I'm telling this to the designated Sanitation Technician... REBECCA: So you can request the older, less powerful and inferior plane? Uh, okay. Whatever. > "I kind of suspected that. Listen, how about some > modifications to the VF-1S?" > "Such as?" RACE : Such as, oh, I don't know... DOORS, for example? > "Well, like changing the cockpit layout so that they can > be piloted while wearing CVR-3, and providing storage space > for a Cyclone for emergency use, like in an Alpha." REBECCA : And could you get rid of the squeak in the pilot's chair? That's... *really* annoying. > "A sound suggestion, I will see to it. Is there anything else?" > "Well, actually yes. I'd like a personalized craft, > seeing as I'm XO and all." RACE : You're also an omnipotent avatar of a... DH1 : Did you say something? RACE : Nothing. > "What do you require?" > "I'd like a VF-1S, but there are a couple of things I > need. For one thing, I'm left-handed, MMK: And you're a disgrace *to* us, too! TIFF: MMK, sit down. > so I'd like to have the control layout reversed." RACE: Why not ask for the moon and the stars while you're at it, Ben? DH1 : Hey, neat! They'd make keen panel lights. > "You as well?" Lord Fahrvergnugen said, slapping the > sword hilt at his right hip. "You must be one of the Delta > series. I used some of my own genetics in them. LYNX : So how come you're a big husky guy and I'm short and squat? GAVOK : Well, I didn't use the *good* genes. DH1 : Oh, and sorry about the glandular problems... REBECCA: So Ben's a wacky, badly-spelt monster made from mis-matched body parts that come from the other side of the sun? Actually, that makes a lot of sense. TIFF : Hey, MMK! Maybe *you're* one of the Delta series! Ha! MMK : Oh, yeah? Well, that'd be exactly as he *planned* it, then! Ha! [TIFF and MMK enter a staredown.] LYNX: Hey! House rule! No violence! REBECCA: Or there's *punishment*! There's zero tolerance for violence in here! MMK: Zero tol... House rule! [LYNX tosses MMK a Mountain Dew. MMK cracks it open and pours it on TIFF's head.] GAVOK: Hey! Hee hee! [TIFF swings at MMK. MMK ducks under the swing and flips TIFF the double bird. TIFF fumes.] GAVOK: Hee hee hee! I get it! TIFF: Shut... up... > But anyway, go on with what you wanted. That should be no problem." RACE: Boy, Wolfgang's better than Santa Claus. > "Ok, whatever... DH1 : Ok! Whatever, laddie! > anyway, I'd like to have a pair of nacelles which contain microwarp > drives, built into the Super boosterpods, LYNX : Except that none of the shit you just said exists. RACE : I can dream. > if it can be done. And I'd like a VT-1D two- > seater with the same type of nacelles for Kei and Yuri. REBECCA: ...and why do Kei and Yuri have to share a plane, anyway? > The nacelles will probably need a lot of power, so those two > Valkyries will need a more powerful reactor. LYNX : We need no such thing! Our father is Odin, lord of all gods! TIFF : Believe what you want. > I've got some ideas for actuation modifications and such, too, > but I'd need to do the work on a finished machine, not paper." > "That should be no problem. TBS : We got *plenty* of machines you can ruin. RACE : Adjust. TBS : *Adjust*. > Anything else?" > "Well, this may be pushing it, TIFF, REBECCA, LYNX : Push it real good! > but I'd like the Pair to have their own ship. RACE: It's probably too much to hope that they'd use it for a sort of extended _Thelma & Louise_ homage, isn't it? > How hard would it be to have a Wasp class ship built?" MMK : Pretty hard. That shit don't exist. DH1 : Okay, work with me, here, will you? MMK : That's exactly as I planned it! > "Wasp class? I'm not sure what that is." > "Oh, yeah, right. I have tons of CADs of it." RACE: Well, at least Ben did a good job of hiding his shock and disappointment that Wolfgang doesn't share his fertile mind. > "Well, bring them to my tech crew. Have them see what > they can do." > "Thank you again." DH1 : *My* girls deserve a Benmobile of their *very own*! REBECCA: Even if it'll never be as good as the Griffin. > "My pleasure." Lord Fahrvergnugen strode down the > corridor and swept around a corner. REBECCA: He is the *coolest* sanitation engineer *ever*! MMK : *One* more thing. GAVOK : Yes? MMK : Take a look at this movie I wrote about a WWII German submarine... think it's any good? [GAVOK flips through the pages and tosses the script over his shoulder.] GAVOK : It's crap! No one would want to watch that! > -------------------------------------------------------TWELVE > > "Baaa...baaaa...baaaaa--BABUM!!! bom bom bom bom bom bom > bom" > --Thus Spake Zarathos DH1: Too bad that's not the Wedge blowing up. REBECCA: Either way, Bad for Zarathos. LYNX: It's even worse for Zarathustra. TBS: It's *my* robe! GAVOK: *Mine*! [ALL turn to see TBS and GAVOK fighting over a sequined robe with "Nature Boy" written on it.] LYNX: What the *hell* is-- MMK: Hey! My robe! [MMK joins in on the tug-of-war.] > EARTH REBECCA: *That*'s pretty vague. RACE : URTH. > At the top of the GENOM tower, Largo turned from > observing his complex REBECCA: That's one hell of a complex. You should see a shrink. > to answer the telephone. > "Largo." DH1 : Hang on, let me check. > "This is Orbital Station Three, sir," the voice at the > other end said. "Project Ikazuchi is nearing completion." MMK: Gezundheit! TIFF: MMK... > "How long?" TBS : That's a rather personal question, Largo. > "Four weeks maximum, sir." > "Excellent. Proceed. I will contact you later." REBECCA: So... they called him up to say that they'd be finished in a *month*? That doesn't sound like the sort of thing you need to bother the god's time with. > He hung up, then dialed a three-digit extension. "This is Largo," > he announced. "I want a status report on Project I.C.Z.E.R. > immediately." > "Astbury here, sir. GAVOK , MMK : ICK! POO! We hate hippies! We hate love! We Haight-Astbury! GAVOK : That's a San Francisco joke and if you don't get it we don't care... > Things are moving right along--I > expect I.C.Z.E.R.-2 to come on-line within the next hour. > I'll call you before we bring her up." TBS : Don't forget to put her in the cake this time. > "Good work, Professor." He again depressed the hook, GAVOK : There's no meaning to life anymore. TBS : I love this job. > then called a second extension. "This is Largo. Give me the > latest information from Deep Space Seven." GAVOK : Well, they've found this strange, portal-like space-time anomaly that goes to the Gamma Quadrant. Is this a problem? > "DS7 has kept close watch on the Wedge since it > reacquired their neutron trail on the fourteenth," the other > end replied. "As you had hoped, the quantum redistribution > field allowed it to ride their warp drive emissions and > follow them without a drive of its own. REBECCA: Great. Intergalactic tailgaters. TBS: Can I say something? I *really* don't understand what these people are saying. LYNX: What? TBS: I mean, they start out with an Ikazuchi thing, and then they start talking about online ICZERs and neutron trails and... *I* don't know. I'll try it again later. > The latest reports > indicate that the Wedge has docked at a large orbital > facility of some sort, in the Cygnus Beta system." > "Hmm...have the exact coordinates sent to the project > centers for Projects I.C.Z.E.R. and Ikazuchi. Report any > further developments to me." REBECCA: So... you want them to report when you send the info to the development teams? I guess Largo is in management after all. > He hung up the phone and sat back. RACE : It's *good* to be the god. > So the Wedge Rats were in Cygnus Beta, and they appeared > to have help. Hmm. That made things interesting. TBS: Yeah, okay! Thanks for letting us know that, Story! > Still, if the I.C.Z.E.R. Project's second prototype turned out, her > operational parameters would far outstrip those of any > orbital station... [TIFF looks sideways at the LOONS. They're not doing anything.} TIFF : Amazing...they didn't pick up on it. MMK