Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 75. It's time for a real doozy that, because it ripped off a funny comic, thinks it's funny in itself. Yeah, right. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Apathetic Drama Queen Rei is copyright Kaoru Nagisa Magical Drama Queen Roxy is copyright Adam Warren/Wildstorm Productions (we warned you) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] [Rick & Dan are sitting on the couches] Rick: OK... How's this for an idea. Machine Wars Skywarp and Thundercracker- I've got the toys, fight Rock Lord Boulder- Dan: What? Rick: He's sitting around somewhere in my desk. Dan: I see. Rick: Anyway, Boulder and Gobot Stacks's Dismembered Arm. Dan: Huh? Rick: Also in my desk somewhere. Dan: I'd like to see this desk of yours. Rick: Of course, the Dismembered Limb is carrying the team. Dan: Of course. Rick: No prizes for guessing who wins. [Rebecca and Tsuneo enter] Dan: Okay, my turn. How about... Jack Ryan versus Pat Maclanahan in a ludicrous Deus Ex Machina match? Rick: That's a good one. Rebecca: What are you two on about? Rick: We're pitting fictional characters up against each other to see who'd win. Dan: We found a page of internet death matches, and we're trying to think of our own. Tsuneo: Okay, so who wins this one? Rick: That's easy. Jack has the secret service arrest Pat. He's the president, you know. Rebecca: Okay... Dan: And it's perfectly in keeping with the excesses of Tom Clancy's novels. Good one, Rick. Rick: Who's next? Dan: Well... What say Lina Inverse against... Ooh... Rick: Raistlin from Dragonlance? Tsuneo: There's a mismatch and a half. Rebecca: Yup. While Raistlin's busy whining and being pretentious, Lina fireballs him into oblivion. Tsuneo: Any more? Dan: Okay, how about Goku versus- Others: Goku. Dan: Of course, silly me. Rick: My turn now. How about Laser Optimus Prime against... Oh, what's his name, Star Sabre from Victory? Tsuneo: Okay, tough one here. Dan: Are you kidding? this is Op, we're talking about! Tsuneo: So? Star Sabre's the best swordsman in the galaxy. Rebecca: I know who I'm voting for. Dan: I tell you, it'll be a blow out. Rick: Whoah, hold it. Let's just think about this one. Tsuneo: Well, Op does have a reputation for dying. Dan: But He'll only come back stronger. Rick: Yeah, but that's still a victory for Star Sabre. Dan: What about attributes? Op's got all tens and a nine! Tsuneo: Well Star Sabre's got a mix of nines and tens. Dan: And he can pose! Tsuneo: This is the characters, not the toys. Rick: Okay... I call a victory for Laser Op. Rebecca: How do you figure that? Rick: Thanks to the trailer. Rebecca: Of course. Dan: See? Tsuneo: Whatever. [He heads over ot the computer] I'm goign to look for something intelligent. Dan: On that thing? Tsuneo: Well, we've got a fanmail. [They all crowd around the TV.] Tsuneo: It's from Tristan Baeulieu. > Hello, shining happy people! > I've been reading your work on the Delta invasion and > I must say, that this person, Tom has seen about two > episodes of NGE; and is another not-so nice addition > to the roster of typical self insert "Children" Tsuneo: That many? Rebecca: It's blatantly obvious he knows nothing about the characters and only a smidgen about their relationships. I think two's too many. > A couple of things I could say: > Tom is a poser, which would be a person who pretends > to skateboard, but is merely looking for a > fashion-trend. (The mention of the shoe brand company, > Emerica). I know this, because I personally do. I > almost cried out, "YOU'RE JUST SO COOL!". It's too bad > that AAA was shut down. I would've loved to see a > Kaiju big-battle between DJ and Tom. Rick: Here's a scary thought: DJ and Tom as a tag team. > Uber-wannabe-hacker-motorcycleridng-decent character > shagging (Well, at least DJ hasn't conquered the > "GREAT ASUKA") Tsuneo: Yet. > -geeks-who-pilot-big-robots fight to the > finish. > I personally produce music (trance/goa/eletronica > dancey stuff) and I think he needs to get a grip on > the fact that just because you have a CD out, doesn't > mean you're going to be selling world wide, never mind > the fact that he's playing music that's thirty years > out of date as far as style goes. Dan: Yeah, but don't you know? In 2015 Japan, everyone likes 1980s American metal. > Asuka and Tom?!?! ::cries:: Oh why, oh why, did he > have himself shag the Great Asuka Langley? I think > Asuka would've given him a beat down he would never > gotten up from. Rick: Something to do with his characterisation problem. If we find some, we'll tell you. > This may be more of a personal thing, but Rei and > Shinji? Er, Incest?! (I have had many a drawn out > fights over if Shinji and Rei doing the horizontal > tango would be incest or not). I mean, I still like > Rei and all, but it's too much.. Calling Doctor Freud! Tsuneo: Only if you're like Gendo and think of her as just a clone. Rick: [Shinji] Well, I desire my mother and want to kill my father. Just call me Oedipus. > I still laugh at the word "Invador" all the time. That > and all the references to the fact he was born in > California (Is he a fishman?!). Hell, Anno pulled some > strings that made Japan survive the second impact, or > at least that's what I think if such an attack > occured. Tsuneo: Tokyo-3 is in the middle of what used to be a mountain range. But we're still at a loss to determine why San Francisco or New York survived. > Never forget that John's special. He's really special. > He also rides the short school bus too. [They all break up laughing] > And leave poor Dan alone. He's Dan the Man. Rick: Stasiak. Dan: ... > And he'll > whap you on the head with a frying pan. Or at least I > think he can... > Adieu for now. Tsuneo: And thank you, Tristan! Good to know we're not the only ones who think that way about Delta. Voice: And good morning to all of you. Rick: That's where the rest of Stacks got too. Voice: I'm not impressed. Rebecca: Suffer. Voice: Anyway, ready for today's viewing? All: No. Voice: Tough luck. Dan: Geez, what crawled up your bum and died? Rick: Maybe he got sent a copy of the Battle Nun Arabella OVA too. Voice: Just get on with it. Rebecca: You're no fun anymore. [Rebecca sits next to Rick on the forwards facing couch, and Tsuneo sits with Dan on the sideways one.] [The screen lights up] > Hi this is a quick little story by Kaoru Nagisa. It's coming at you > in the form of a trilogy. The next part should be out REAL soon. Do > me a favor and throw out all your inhibitions while reading this. Rebecca: And your expectations too, I guess. > E-mail > me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com This story should appeal to Rei fans and > non-Rei fans alike. Rick: [Authour] People who are neutral to Rei, bite me. > I wanted to do a little bit on her seeing as I'm > starting to understand(?) her. Tsuneo: This should be good. > I can't say I like her but I definitely > respect that she is the MOST popular Eva female. No questions asked. Dan: I thought that was Misato. Rebecca: No, but Misato is the, ahem, *biggest* name in EVA. > Sorry Asuka fans, Rick: Where? > its true! Okay now that I have turned most people off > from my opinions completely, Tsuneo: How'd he guess? > let me get to the story. Tabris Enterprises presents... Dan: Crap. > _____________________________________________________________________________ > Apathetic Drama Queen > RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIIII Rick: No need to shout about it? Dan: "Apathetic Drama Queen?" Isn't that a contradiction? > Rei Ayanami walked into Misato Katsuragi's apartment. Rebecca: [Rei] Oh look, there it was all along. > She looked > around to see the usual going ons between the three roommates. Tsuneo: Read: I can't be bothered saying what's happening. Rick: You know, the usual... Blood, violence, gore, mayhem. > She > looked around quietly as no one even took heed to her entrance. The > first person to actually notice her presence was Shinji. Rebecca: Quite often, Rei is mistaken for furniture. Dan: [Shinji] Hey, that's my schtick. > Shinji: Oh hi Rei, what are you doing here? Rick: [Rei] Standing. Dan: [Shinji] Well, what brings you here? Rick: [Rei] My feet. Dan: [Shinji; mimes pointing to a sign] I mean, why did you come here? > Rei: I was told to come and 'hang out' with you and Major Katsuragi > and Ms. Soryu. Rebecca: [Rei] What am I meant to have "hang out?" Dan: Well, knowing Misato- [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > Shinji: Well Asuka and Misato are arguing over who's bra is whose. Rick: I'd love to know where the confusion's coming from. > Asuka swears its hers, but Misato is saying there is no way she could > ever fit it. Dan: What, this argument's going on and he hasn't fainted from embarassment? > That's kinda like you to, ya know? Rick: Does that actually mean anything? Tsuneo: It means this Shinji's escaped from Delta Invasion. > Rei: Huh? > Shinji: Um, I uh mean...I'm sorry Rei. Rebecca: [Rei] You're not making any sense. Rick: [Shinji] I noticed. > Rei got up off the couch and walked away from Shinji who had just > stuck his foot in his mouth. Rick: [Rei] An idiot. > She found 'hanging out' with that household over all quite disturbing Dan: Okay Rei, wait 'till you hear what they say about your next party. > and so she began walking home. > She happened to see her class representative also walking. > Hikari: Hi Rei. > Rei:... Tsuneo: This conversation is so thrilling. > Hikari: I said hi, Rei. > Rei: Hello. Dan: [Rei] Okay, I said hello. You can bug off, now. > Hikari: So what are you doing out here? Coming home from a boyfriend's > house, perhaps? Rebecca: C'mon, Hikari. You know her better than that. > Rei: Perhaps. > Hikari: So, is it...Shinji? > Rei: Pardon me? > Hikari: Your boyfriend? > Rei: I have a boyfriend? Rick: That isn't usually a question. > Hikari: You know the extent of your sociopolitical ignorance is truly > impressive, Rei. Tsuneo: Where'd that come from? What's that got to do with having a boyfriend? Dan: And since when has Hikari lectured? Rebecca: She usually just sticks to dismemberment. > Rei gave Hikari an extremely glazed look Rick: [Rei] I can't see. > and continued walking. Rei's > awful day continued to run itself in her mind as she lay on her bed. Dan: So Shinji making an idiot of himself and Hikari lecturing constitutes a bad day? > She remembered when she tried to say something to Touji... Dan: If Rei was trying to talk to Toji, wouldn't he be more surprised? > {Touji: Gee, Rei you know the way you act sometimes has conceded > scribbled all over it.} Rebecca: And the way you act always has "idiot" scribbled all over it. Your point? > She also remembered when Major Katsuragi was speaking to her. Rick: [misato] Y'know Rei... Hic! Y'know- Hic! Rei... Hic! > {Misato: I think we need to talk about things that no one might have > ever told you about. You see every month the female body has a few days > of 'special time'.} Rick: Like Asuka has all the time? [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > Rei rolled her eyes as she thought of the next person who has said > something to her. Dan: [Gendo] It's about the company you keep. Tsuneo: [Pen-pen] WARK! > {Asuka: Um listen hear first, I never told you but do you know how > ugly black socks look with white sneakers. You REALLY look awful.} Tsuneo: Like she cares. Rick: Wouldn't she just be putting her down in general? > Rei lay on her bed with junk food laid out everywhere. Tsuneo: Er, no fic. Just no. > Empty ice cream buckets lay on her stomach. Rebecca: Rei eats ice-cream by the bucket? How would she maintain that ludicrous figure of hers. Dan: What, are you jealous or something? Rebecca: No, it's just she's so thin that if she ate anything more than a stick of celery, she'd put on weight. > Potato chips spread across her face. Rick: Rei Ayanami: Junk food junkie. > Even the commander had yelled at her today. Tsuneo: Any reason? Rebecca: [Gendo] Rei! What have I told you about trying to start third impact? Rick: [Rei] Sorry, sir. Rebecca: [Gendo] Now you go to your cloning tank and think about what you've done, young lady! > For once Rei began to take the offensive. Dan: [Rei, deadpan] I'm mad as all hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore. > Which was interesting seeing as to be offended > was a feeling and Rei didn't really experience any of those. Tsuneo: Which doesn't explain why she's getting depressed and eating copious quantities of junk food either. But never mind. > Rei: I can't stand this...everybody wishes I was someone else... Tsuneo: Like who? Apart from Gendo, I mean. > someone better...someone who was more girly, or fashionably correct > or bigger-breasted. All: Toji. > It's like every day is 'Let's Crap on Rei Day' > Every week is 'National Disrespect Rei Week'... Tsuneo: And it seems like this is turning into "let's rip off a good comic" day. > my life is a nightmare...a nightmare...a nightmare... > And with that Rei Ayanami drifted into her favorite place to be... Dan: A little place... Called... All: [Singing] Alberquerque! Voice: Thank you. > her dreams. Rick: [Rei] I especially like that one where I dream that I'm a real girl. > She was at a fast food joint. She was the 'sanitation specialist' and > for Rei this was a very exciting dream. Dan: For some people, life is exciting enough. > She happily lifted the garbage > and hefted it into the burnable trash incinerator. Tsuneo: [Rei, cheery] I'm having such a good time doing menial and degrading tasks! Rebecca: Hey Dan, she's stealing your day job. [Dan hits her with a cushion] > She leaned against > the trash can and looked over at a place where lights were streaming > from. Rick: It was Ken charging up his battle aura. All: Oooooohhh!!! > It was a club called 'The Kewl Spot'. Tsuneo: Not "The Happening Place?" There may be a shred of originality in this fic yet. > She looked closer to see > a guy walking in. He was wearing a tuxedo and carrying a cane. He > was being escorted into the club and yelled at by the many women trying > to get in with him. He was Prince Shinji of Ikari. Dan: Women are fawning over Shinji? This must be a dream. Rick: Is that Kaoru on the left in the stunning pink number? > Rei looked on as > the prince walked in and she hung her head when suddenly a voice that > sounded exactly like her own called out. Rebecca: Whoah, freaky! > Voice: Yo, yo, yo CindeREIlla! Dan: Oh look, it's the magical K-Dogg. > Rei looked up and saw who the voice was coming from. Rick: A Mexican wrestler. Wierd, huh? > Pen-Pen: Tsuneo: Hands up anyone who's surprised? [Pause] Tsuneo: Didn't think so. Dan: I was hoping for Konnan myself. Rick: So Pen-Pen's talking with Rei's voice? He's a male penguin. Rebecca: He's a male penguin with problems. > You better not CRY, you better not pout...'cause your > Fairy Hot Spring Penguin is here to help you out. > Rei:... Tsuneo: I couldn't agree more. > Rei looked at the floating penguin with a confused look. Dan: [Rei] That does it, no more pizza before bed. > Pen-Pen: So what, you were expecting some 'bippity boppity boo' crap? > Well TOO damn bad. Rick: [Pen-Pen] I suppose "bippity boppity boo" is copyrighted by Disney or something like that. > Just don't get cute and expect me to drink a beer or something. Rebecca: That only happens in the stupid EVA fics. > Rei: This can't be happening. Tsuneo: My thoughts exactly. > Pen-Pen: Of course it can, you've been selected to become a short-skirt, Rick: Rei Ayanami: Former EVA pilot and now a fashion item. > wand-wielding magical-heroine! or s.s.w.w.m.h., as a REALLY pathetic > acronym. Here's your wand! > Pen-Pen flung an empty Yebisu can with a heart at the top and a pink bow > tied around the stick stuck in the can at the bottom of it. Tsuneo: That is *really* pathetic. I mean, I'm sure he could have found something slightly more symbolic of Rei. Dan: Like what? Tsuneo: Magic gloves? > Rei: This is a can... Rick: This belongs in the can. > Pen-Pen: Yeah, but it's a magical can with your magical powers to > be embedded in it. Dan: What, so she's got to put her powers in the can? Rebecca: It's where they belong. > So anyway, you just hold that uh, wand up and > say... *whisper whisper*...and presto change-o! You'll be a genuine > magical heroine. Tsuneo: And hideous rip-off. > Rei: That magic phrase is quite stupid. Rick: Aren't they all? > Pen-Pen: Gee, I'm sorry if this enchanted scenario is not living up to your > demanding standards, sanitation specialist Ayanami. Dan: Rei has standards? > Rei: Oh, all right... Rick: [Pen-Pen] Perhaps you'd prefer to go back to the less degrading and undoubtedly more fulfilling task of hauling garbage? Rebecca: [Rei] Could we? > Pen-Pen(under his breath): Annoyingly picky, yet highly apathetic. Tsuneo: Not that that description applies to Rei in the slightest... Rebecca: Actually, that much better describes Asuka. > What a Cinderella for your generation. Rick: Eew. Rei as a role model. > Rei: Do I really HAVE to say... > Pen-Pen: Hey, I don't make up the rules, just say the phrase before the > plot congeals anymore, kay? All: Too late. > Rei: FRIGHTENING BIG RED EYES AND SICKLY PALE SKIN! SHORT FAN SERVICE > SKIRTS AND LONG MASTUBATORY AIDED LEGS! Rick: [Rei] Desperate Marketing Ploy Instrumentality Power! [Tsuneo whacks him with a cushion] Oh, come on! Tell me you wouldn't rather have Cruel Lina's Thesis right now. Tsuneo: I wouldn't. > Rei clothes tore off of her body violently Rick & Dan: Oooh... > and suddenly she was > wearing a little tiara and a shorter version of her school uniform > with out the bands that cover the shirt. She also had on a pair of > Dock Martin boots and a leather jacket. Rei looked at herself. Dan: [Rei] How did my subconscious dream up this outfit? Rebecca: Actually, that was the Gainax photographers. Except for the jacket. That was the authour's fault. > Rei: You know, I don't look all that different. Tsuneo: [Rei] Apart from the fact that I'd never wear a leather jacket or Doc Martens. > Pen-Pen: There, now you are a genuine magical heroine and you can fight > for truth, justice, and the Valley Girl way. Rick: What's that got to do with Rei. > Then there's also love, friendship and stuff like that there... Dan: But what's that got to do with Rei? Tsuneo: Oh yeah, and interior decorating. > but most of those are already > in use by certain JAPANESE girls with long BLONDE hair... Rebecca: [Pen-pen] Ferking underachievers have already cornered the magical girl market. > is there a problem here? Dan: Yeah, you're losing the plot. Rick: Such as it is. > Of course you must be ready at all times to POSE up a > storm...so go ahead and strike a pose. Rick: Assuming you're not a Todd MacFarlane toy, that is. > Suddenly Madonna's 'Vogue' began to waft through the air as Rei took > her poses. All of which Gainax would not draw of their most popular > female character. Rebecca: Wanna bet? Tsuneo: Is he gonna spend the whole fic complaining like this? > Ah, well visit an image gallery of fanart if you wanna > see the poses, the author AIN'T describing them. NAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Dan: Read: I'm too much of a lazy bastard. > Rei: So what purpose does all this posing serve? All: Fan service! > Pen-Pen: None whatsoever! but it looks bitchen'! Alright now we > can go do some hero stuff, like fighting evil, stopping the world > from blowing up, whatev! Tsuneo: [Rei] Or we could amalgamate all of humanity into one collective consciousness. All: Nah. > Rei: I know where we should go... Rebecca: Disneyland! Let's set it on fire! > Pen-Pen: Eh? > Suddenly Rei was walking into The Kewl Spot as people around her shouted. > "Ooh! Ah!" > "Mon Dieu! Zut Alors!" > "She's a Goddess! A Goddess!" Rick: [Rei] Not quite, but I'm working on it. > "Ay Caramba" > "Sacre Bleu" > "I Swoon in her presence! Oooohhhh..." Dan: Swoon, I say! Swoon! > "She makes that miniskirt talk!" Rebecca: So she's a ventriloquist is she? > "Ach du lieber!" > "Envy burns me like fire!" Tsuneo: Let's just rip off as much of the comic as possible... > Pen-Pen: You better recognize...! Rick: D'lo Brown? > Pen-Pen was now in SD form and perched on Rei's left shoulder. Dan: Any reason? Rick: Because it isn't convenient to have a two foot tall penguin squatting on the shoulder of a five foot tall girl. > Prince > Shinji of Ikari looked up at her and dropped the woman he was dancing > with to the floor. Tsuneo: I can smell a lawsuit coming on. > Shinji ran over and kissed Rei's hand. She dropped > her um, wand onto Pen-Pen and he fell to the ground as the two began > to dance. Rick: Let's skip a few pop culture references while we're here. Rebecca: You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better than that! > Rei's blue nail polished hand that marched her hair AND dress > was wrapped around Shinji's um, manly hand. Dan: Shinji? Manly? I've had dates that were more manly than him. > Suddenly a whirlwind began > to encircle the people in the club and people were swerving around in > the air. Rebecca: But they're not important, so we'll just ignore their fate. Rick: It's the latest dance sensation! > Voice: Well if it isn't the great white princess! Rick: [Pen-pen] Actually, that would be more of an almost-albino princess, but never mind... > It was Hikari standing there in a beautifully tailored superhero > costume with a western style jacket on. Tsuneo: Basically, you can't be bothered describing either article of clothing can you? This is getting more pathetic by the second. > Touji was there in a pair > of torn at the knee jeans and a black t-shirt that said 'whipped > boyfriend' on it. Rebecca: Ah right, this would be the maniacal, overbearing dominatrix Hikari we've all come to know and love. Dan: Although you've got to admit, Toji does fit the "witless minion" bill. > Hikari: It is I the Sweet and Innocent P.C. Queen, here to ruin your > little insensitive soiree! Rick: Hikari? Politically correct? I don't get it. > Touji: That's P.C. as in politically correct not personal computer. > Hikari: Shut-Up Touji! > Touji: Yes ma'am. Rebecca: Look out Toji, you're running the risk of another dismemberment. > Hikari: While speciesism, racism, sexism, ageism, lookism and other > horrible isms create unsightly stains on our social fabric, Dan: Have you tried using a pre-wash soaker? Rebecca: Have you? > while > homophobia, gynophobia, transgenderphobia and triskaidekaphobia run > rampant did you sociopolitically disengaged 'partygoers' hear the > cries of the oppressed? Or the cries of repressed, the depressed or > the easily impressed? Did you, figuratively speaking, hear the wolf > howl to the blue corn moon? > Pen-Pen: HEY! No Disney references, Tsuneo: Especially considering it doesn't work coming from a Japanese schoolgirl. > you wanna get Tabris Enterprises sued? All: Yes. > Kindly ignore my earlier 'bippity boppity boo' ref, please. Dan: Forget Disney, do you know what's gonna happen if Adam Warren or Wildstorm see this? > Rei: You'll be in big trouble when the good Queen of Jolly [They all break out laughing] Dan: I guessed the authour missed the "La Jolla" reference, huh? Tsuneo: I presume that would mean Misato. Rebecca: Sounds more like a name for a hooker. > finds out about your EVIL P.C. escapades. > Hikari: That would be true IF...she wasn't caught up in the most > testosterone-reeking of spectacles... Dan: [Toji] Which wouldn't actually mean anything dear, since it's the queen. Rebecca: [Hikari] Do you want to be decapitated again? Dan: [Toji] No, dear. > football season. Dan: Misato watches football? Rick: Are you kidding? Football means beer! > Far Away (not really): > Misato Katsuragi or The Queen of Jolly Rebecca: Hey, wouldn't Misato instead be the good queen of jelly? Tsuneo: No. > is sitting in front of her > television screen with a beer hat on with two straws in her mouth > and a pair of boxers and a tank top on. > Misato: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Dan: That's living. > Back to the Other Place (The Kewl Spot): > Hikari: Hey, waita minute, I'm supposed to be the so called 'bad > guy' of Ayanami's dream, how offensive, what did I ever do to her? Tsuneo: Nothing until the fic started. Rick: Hang on, why is she the P.C queen anyway? I don't get it. What's the connection between Hikari and political correctness? Dan: Are you kidding? She's an assertive young adult female in charge of her relationship with a male. Rick: Is she? Dan: No, not really. > Touji: The P.C. term for 'bad guy' would be 'person of antagonism', > honey. > Hikari: Shut-up! > Touji: Okay. Dan: [Toji] Do I get to actually contribute anything to this? > Touji and Hikari flew into the air. Hikari raised her hand and > blasted Shinji. Rick: Not that he bugged her or anything; she just felt like it. Tsuneo: And he didn't even say "oeuvre." > Rei looked down at the boy as the smoke cleared. > Rei: Prince Shinji? > When Shinji stood up his voice was higher than usual. His hair was > now red instead of brown and he had breasts. HE had become a SHE! Rebecca: How would you tell the difference? Dan: Poor Shin-boy. He's been turned into an obscure character from a Sega Saturn game. > Rei was horrified. Tsuneo: [Rei] This is going to turn into "Fate of the Children," isn't it? > Rei: Har dee frickin' har, this is SO not funny. Change him back > NOW or, or- Rick: [Rei] Or I'll keep talkin' like a valley girl, y'know? > Hikari: Well, i just might do that...but first my little Japanese > epitome who for some strange reason appeals to the entire world > consumerist cog in the machine, mall bunny... Tsuneo: You're really mixing your dialogue, here. Rick: What's going on? Is the authour copying the dialogue while stunned or something? > you must get through the deadly gauntlet of THE MALL OF DOOM! Dan: So what, the implication here is that Rei's a mall bunny? Rick: Actually she's more of a mallrat. Dan: How so? Rick: She's Silent Bob. Dan: Ouch. > Touji: Bye now! Rebecca: [Toji] Y'all come back know, y'hear? > The two then flew off. Dan: Since whence could those two fly, anyway? Rick: Since when has Hikari fired concentrated Jusenkyo blasts, anyway? > Shinji: Mall of doom? Oh, as if! > Rei knocked Shinji's head. Rebecca: Odd, a hollow ringing noise. > Rei: Don't talk like that, you're a boy! > Shinji: These say otherwise... > Shinji opened her white dress shirt revealing the breasts straining > against her shirt. Dan: Oh look, he's fallen into the cursed spring of drowned Masami Oobari character. > Rei: Say Pen squared, where is this mall of doom? Tsuneo: Look in the Evangelion Newtype 100% collection. You'll find everything there. Rick: Failing that, try the phone directory from Hell. > I've lived here practically all my life and I never saw it. Dan: You call this living? > Pen-Pen raised a fin and pointed forward. Rei turned her head to look > and saw the giant spectacle of lights Rick: Aah, Second Impact! Whoops... Sorry. My bad. > and store names. > Rei: Oh, that mall of doom. Rebecca: [Rei] It was there all the time. > Shinji: I'm scared. > Shinji glomped onto Rei's arm. > Rei: Eww, get offa me. I am not gay, no matter WHAT those Evangelion > lemon writers say about me. Rick: Excuse me, but in this scenario, only the magical critter can bust down the fourth wall. > Pen-Pen: Um, now isn't really the time... > Rei: Oh yes it is. And HELLO, I can too kum! You damn lemon authors > NEVER wanna give me a NORMAL sex scene. Dan: This authour's obsessing a bit. > I AM a normal girl. There are SOME exceptions but most of them... Tsuneo: Notice how she never takes time out to complain about horrendously stupid parody fics. > Shinji raises an eyebrow. Dan: [Shinji] Do you smell what the third child is cooking? > Rei: What can't a girl have a lot of twin sisters? Tsuneo: Where did all this come from? I'm just wondering... > Shinji: Not when they're kept in an LCL tank. Rick: Is this going anywhere, or are you just wasting time? > Rei: Where was I? Oh, yeah and what makes you authors think I would > WANT to have sex with Soryu? Dan: It's your standard teenage fantasy. Geez, give it a rest. > She is like SO not my type. And why does SHE always get Shinji. Dan: So do you. > Don't you guys know how much I beat up Anno > for putting her with him at the End of Evangelion. Tsuneo: Not that it was any good for Asuka. > He fucks me all > passively in it but he sure was riding her in Evangelion X. And what > gave that guy the right to make such a disgusting video? I mean... Rebecca: [Yawns] Tell me when this goes somewhere. Dan: Why bother? You know it never will. > Pen-Pen: Um Rei? > Rei: WHAT? > Pen-Pen: Who are you talking to? Tsuneo: [Rei] Like, the audience, stupid! > Rei began to laugh nervously Rick: [Rei] Whoops, forgot I was in a story for a second. > as she grabbed Shinji's delicate hand and walked into the mall. > Rei: This isn't so bad. I see plenty of mall but not much doom. Dan: [Rei] Just a whole lot of Kevin Smith's characters, that's all. Rebecca: I dunno, that could qualify on the doom side. > Rei continued walking until she reached a VERY pink store. > Rei: Oh, now this is scary. A WHOLE store full of those Barby > dolls...is that frightening or what? Rick: [Pen-Pen] I should probably point out that Barbie is TM by Mattel or something like that. > Shinji: Oh, I LOVE Barby! Look Beach Blanket Bimbo Barby is only > $34.99 What a deal! I used to have alota Barby's when I was younger. > Rei: YOU'RE A BOY! Rebecca: So? Shinji *still* probably had a lot of Barbies when he was younger. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > Shinji: Hey, in a family where the mother is MIA and the father lets > me run away from him, where do you think I found out about set gender > roles? Tsuneo: Your uncle who raised you? Dan: [Shinji] Shut up! That was in the comic version. > Rei: So maybe THAT'S why you get so touchy-feely with Kaoru in > episode 24. You didn't care what you were having sex with. Tsuneo: Not that they had sex, but never mind. > And all > this time everyone has been blaming Kaoru for the impure thoughts. > When it was Shinji all along. Tsuneo: Has anyone here actually watched that episode? Just wondering. Rick: [Pen-pen] Do you mind? We've got a horribly-mutilated rip-off to attend to. You can get back to touchy feely stuff later. > The girls and the penguin entered the store Dan: So if Rei hates it so much, why's she going in? > and Rei has turned back > to say something to Shinji when she crashed into a big box. She read > the box aloud. > Rei: Life-Size Aryan Perfection Barby for $999,999.99 on sale! > Suddenly the Barby broke through the plastic and addressed Rei. The > Barby doll looked familiar despite its clear pink outfit with the hot > pink bows around her arms, neck and ankles. She also had on white > high heels and long red hair. > Barby Doll: Greetings unimpressive little princess! It is I the > Asuka-Barby Soryu doll. Tsuneo: So that's "Arayan Perfection" Barbie, is it? Rebecca: If it was, she'd have blond hair and blue eyes. And be Caucasian. Tsuneo: Shush. Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare to cast the Great Asuka as some mindless overinflated automaton? WA-TAK! Call my lawyer. > The unnaturally proportioned for a 14 year old girl doll made of living flesh. Dan: Brittany Spears? > Rei: Guess here you realize you're just a doll... Tsuneo: Let me hurt him. > Asuka: I am HERE to reinforce you ENTIRELY valid feelings of > physical and intellectual inferiority! Rick: Even though Rei's infinitely the smarter of the two. > To be pitilessly shallow here, Rebecca: [Asuka] Let's rip off a perfectly good comic and add absolutely no imagination or creativity of our own! Wait a sec... > shall we compare my imposing voluptuous chest with your own, > er, underwhelming endowment? And let's not even talk about the > almost laughable superiority of my parseclong legs or my callipygian > derriere! Not that I would expect you to know what 'callipygian' > means. Dan: Nor the authour. Or Asuka for that matter. > Shinji: Also don't forget that she's like about a ZILLION times > smarter than you. Rick: Any more so, and she'd be General Patterson. > Asuka: In short, and I hope you excuse my use of this wretched > and appallingly overused phrase- Rebecca: [Asuka] You dare resist the Great Barbie Golem Asuka? WA-TAK! Rick: ... > Asuka pulled out a mechanical looking axe All: Huh? Dan: Maybe it's the new progressive mechanical axe. Rebecca: Say, where did that axe come from? Rick: [Asuka] Oh, you want to know where I got the axe from, do you? Rebecca: Yeah, well- Rick: [Asuka] It doesn't matter where I got the axe from! Tsuneo: One all. > and prepared to cut Rei > in half. She then slammed it down. Rei narrowly escaped. Tsuneo: [Bored] Such an intense and thrilling fight scene. > Asuka: -I'M DA BOMB- > Asuka through a kick which Rei ducked under. > Asuka: -and YOU'RE HIROSHIMA! Or if you prefer Nagasaki! Or for > a possibly more fictional metaphoric basis you can be Nerv HQ > during the End of Eva movies and I can be the JSSDF. Dan: [Asuka] Or we can just insert some more pointless and clumsy references to EVA. > Rei began running away as Asuka followed trying to slice her in > half. Rei slid under a table where Shinji was also hiding. Rebecca: [Rei] Come here often? Rick: [Shinji] Yup. > Shinji: I don't know, oh yeah that girl who looks like a Barby > doll is about to decapitate you. Rick: Did we just skip a few lines there? Tsuneo: Actually, this would have been a wonderful moment to insert Mrs. Akagi as Heather Johnson from the third grade. > Asuka: FIRST! I SHALL HACK OFF YOUR HEAD RENDERING YOU EVEN MORE > INFERIOR TO MY GLORIOUS SELF! > Shinji: I am so outta here...! Dan: Can we go too, please? > To Be Continued! > _____________________________________________________________________________ > How did you guys like that? I hope you thought it was good. I had fun > writing it. Tsuneo: You mean, ripping it off? > The will be 2 more parts. This is just a little something > for everybody (I hope) Dan: [Authour] That's right, I'm gonna try and offend everyone equally. > Oh an if you choose to e-mail me at > kaorunagisa@yahoo.com don't flame me about how I made fun of controversial > topics. Rick: Say, did you see him make fun of any controversial topics there guys? Rebecca: No, just a lot of whinging about EVA lemons. > I did make fun of them and I know that if you threw away you > inhibitions like I said at the beginning you laughed at it. Tsuneo: Yes, we laughed at it. Not with it. > See ya soon! Dan: Except the next chapter is upon us, right about... > Hi Dan: Now. > this is a quick little story by Kaoru Nagisa. It's coming at you > in the form of a trilogy. The next and last will be out soon. Rebecca: And just as bad as the last one, no doubt. > E-mail > me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com Alright more social tactlessness in this > episode. Rick: What a shocking surprise. > You might get all these jokes better if you're into pop > culture. Dan: Which you clearly aren't. > Everyone have fun and e-mail me all of your flames and > complaints and stuff. Rebecca: You see that? He asked for flames. > Also I have this little series, called EvaLeSs > that you might wanna check out. It's page is located at > http://animation.acmecity.com/blotter/186 It has original pics and > stuff so sign my guestbook when ya get there. Also check out Tabris > Enterprises at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Shrine/5392, we where > just offered a free homepage and stuff, but enough with that on to > the story. Dan: I think I prefer the blatant plugs. > Tabris Enterprises presents... Rick: An underline. > _____________________________________________________________________________ Rick: See? > Apathetic Drama Queen > RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIIII > Rei Ayanami was in the mighty grip of Asuka-Barby Soryu. Rebecca: Yes, get your Asuka-Barbie Soryu doll, now with mighty grip action! > Asuka: Answer this question, thereby possibly proving that you are not > completely stupid. Dan: [Asuka] What is two plus two? Rick: [Rei] Five, I swear it! Dan: [Asuka] I did wonder... > And I might spare your life. When you wear and orange > sweater, what is the only color that is not exceptable, red or blue? Rebecca: That's right, her value in life revolves solely around her knowledge of fashion. Tsuneo: Why do you reckon he changed the question? Dan: He probably couldn't handle copying big words like Lobachevsky, euclidian or bunny rabbit. > Rei: Um...blue. Rick: How did I know that was going to be her answer? > Asuka: WRONG! Every moron knows thatred and pink and orange are colors that > contradict each other and therefore can only be worn by themselves or with > a neutral such as white or black or MAYBE brown. [They all yawn loudly] > Blue is one of the more acceptabel colors to where with orange not red...! Rick: Eh? Tsuneo: Did this go through the babelfish or something? > Shinji: Oh, please don't fight! Resorting to violence is such a male > paradigm! Act like sisters not like misters! Rebecca: Since when has any version of Shinji talked like this? Tsuneo: About half a chapter now. > Pen-Pen: You, mister WAY too senesitive...you might've failed to notice > but you are in fact, a MALE. Sorry. Dan: Actually, not any more. > Shinji: And I apologize for that everyday of my life! > Asuka: ...so quite obvoiously compared to my powerful intelect and > perfect fashion sense you are nothing but a blithering BAKA! Tsuneo: This coming from the person who's using fanboy Japanese to make herself look smarter. > And now I shall make sure you blither no more. Rick: Asuka? The authour's the other way. > Asuak prepared to slice Rei again when suddenly a cigarette flew across > Asuka's hand and a male voice called to her. Dan: Cigarette? The hell? Rick: Maybe it's Tuxedo Kaji. Tsuneo: Which still has nothing to do with Rei. > Voice: you must release the unfiltered warrior within you! > Asuka: Huh? Rebecca: That's right, it's Tuxedo Camel coming to rescue Rei. If that makes any sense, please tell me. > Voice: Take it from me Tuxedo Angel. Now I must bid you fairwell. > Rei: I dont believe this...SAILOR MOON GETS THE HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS > TUXEDO MASK, BUT I GET KAORU DRESSED IN A FRICKIN RENTED TUXEDO?! All: What? Tsuneo: What is the connection between Kaoru and cigarettes? Heck, why would Rei imagine him coming to save her? Why does the authour think anyone would like this crap? Rebecca: On the upside, Kaoru is poofy enough to play Tux Boy. [Dan hits her with a cushion] > Asuka: More proof of you incontrovertible inferiority, I'd say! Tsuneo: And that line only really works when it is someone lame like a camel. Kaoru's a much better savior... For anyone else. Rick: I dunno, I think Tuxedo Camel was cool. For an anthropomorphic advertising figure in a tuxedo, that is. > Asuka prepared to crush Rei's head with a slam of her foot. Rick: Since when was Rei on the ground? Rebecca: Since the authour stopped checking his "work." > Rei narrowly escaped. Dan: Run away! Run away! > Rei: Hey Fairy God Penguin, don't I have some powers? Rick: You have the ability to appear on as much EVA merchandising as possible while wearing ridiculous outfits. Rebecca: You can cause Third Impact in your spare time. Dan: You can pilot an EVA. Tsuneo: Pity none of them are particularly usefull right now. Rebecca: I dunno, that Third Impact one could help the story a lot. > Pen-Pen: Uh, well, yeah...well here take your magic wand and point it > and say soemthign completely heinous. The stupider that better! > Rei: I'm on it...Hey you animated masturbatory aid wrap your intellect > around this! TRIPENDICULAR ATTACK OF FUNKY FUNKYFRESH JAPANESE DIVA!!! Tsuneo: Uh-huh. And that has what to do with Rei? Well? I'm waiting. > As Rei yelled light shot out of her er, wand and blasted Asuka to > nothing. Of course Asuka screamed and vaporized into different > direction as most villains who are killed by wands do. Dan: Yay. How lame is that? Rick: Was she sent to another dimension or something? > Shinji: You were like a symbol of female empowerment! > Pen-Pen: How do you spell 'kickass'? Rebecca: K-I-Q-R-N-N-T-#! Dan: What was that? Rebecca: Thinker was leading the cheer squad. > A-Y-A-N-A-M-I! > Rei smiled widely taking in her addualtion as she noticed a phone near > her was ringing. Rebecca: Is this is the promo for Scream 15, I'm leaving. > She looked at it and beagn to sweat. She walked and > slowly picked up the phone. Dan: Might want to mention it's in a telephone box. Otherwise, it's kind of just lying there. > Rei: Hello? Dan: Is your refrigerator running? Rick: [Rei] Yes. Dan: Then go and catch it! > Woman: Hello, you're on the line with Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. Tsuneo: Ritsuko Akagi, relationship consultant. That is so wrong in so many ways that I won't even touch it. > What's your question for me, Rei? Tsuneo: [Rei] How do I get out of this crappy fanfic? > Rei: I don't have a question... > Ritsuko: Then why did you call me? > Rei: I didn't call you. Dan: [Rei] Old hag. > Ritsuko: Yeah, tell me anything. How old are you? > Rei: I'm 14 years old. > Pen-Pen: Yo, psst! You were 14 in 1997 when the show was aired. I would > presume that you have aged over the last two years. Rick: Even though this story is inserted into EVA continuity making this whole sketch moot, but never mind. > Then again > technically you were born in 2000, so you're not really born in real > time. Perhaps you should say you're -1. Tsuneo: Or about -6, given that she was only cloned after Yui's death. Or 8, depending on which stupid way you want to answer this question. Rick: Or, if you stacked Yui and Rei's ages... Dan: Thank you, Rick. > Rei: I'm actually not sure how old I am. Either 16, 14 or -1. > Ritsuko: Are you having any boy problems? Dan: [Rei] Not until this fic started. > Rei: Actually yes, my boyfriend is usually a prince. He then got > zapped by that bossy class rep. girl adn now he's a she. > Ritsuko: Did you try pouring hot water on him? > Rei: No, but that's just STUPID. Dan: No comment. Rebecca: Hey, nothing's too stupid for this fic. > Ritsuko: Well what makes him so princely? Is he say honest and respectful > to you? Tsuneo: Yes. > Rei: Well er, sorta...when he was on me and I was naked he didn't do > anything. > Ritsuko: Is he the stablle type that you can start a family with? Tsuneo: Yes. > Rei: Well not really, I don't think he's too sure of himself, he does > make me smile. Rick: Hello? Hello? Has this guy even seen Evangelion? I doubt it. > Ritsuko: That's nice, but what about him do you like? > Rei: He's a big improvement on my other boyfriends. Tsuneo: Other boyfriends? Rick: Gendo doesn't count. Dan: This is getting worse by the second. > Ritsuko: You had boyfriends? Rebecca: No, she's Rei. Pay attention. > Rei: Well, I am 16/14/-1, and going into high school. Well there was > Zeshin who was pathetically obsessed with that annoying rock of th 90's. > Then there was Tatewaki, the king of all denial. I caught him in bed with > a girl and you know what he said, he said Dan: That? That was a pigeon. Rebecca: It got worse when she caught him in bed with Kaoru. > 'Chill out Rei, this isn't > what it looks like, really. Though if it were what it looks like it > would be justified since you ain't giving me any.' Rick: In other words, just rip off the boyfriends sketch from MDQ Roxy and change the names, without even thinking how it applies to Rei. > Then there was Mitsuru, probable alcoholic jackass #1. Dan: Yeah, I can really see Rei going out with people like this. > Oh and then their was Katsuhiro > the fetish boy who was SO enthralled with my uniform and my saddle > shoes and white socks. Rick: In other words, the same thing every Japanese schoolgirl wears. Dan: yep. Rick: That's a really pathetic fetish. > That's why I wear black socks now. Then there was > Yuuji, probable alcoholic #2. He actually had more than one substance > abuse problem. Rebecca: He was addicted to spuds. > Oh and let's not forget Yusuke, the goth/vampire wannabe > eyeliner and lipstick guy. He taught me to never trust a man with more > makeup than you. Rick: Of course, since Rei doesn't wear makeup... > Of course I can't forget Ngumo, that boy who looked > suspiciously like Goro from Neon Genesis Evagelion: R, Tsuneo: That's a serious problem. Rebecca: It could be worse. At least none of them were special. > he once said > to me 'ya know babe...when you're going down on me, y'seem like you're > not enjoying yourself y'know? Couldn't you act like you're into it and > make sum 'num-num' noises or something. Tsuneo: I can't believe he missed that gag appearance. For crying out loud, it's staring you right in the face, dimwit. > Ritsuko: Gee Ms. Ayanami, those peoepl don't speak to well of your own > character. Dan: Neither does this fic. So? Rebecca: So it doesn't have anything to do with her either. > Rei: It's not my fault they were all...creeps. > Rei's sentence was said slowly due to the oncoming of the said freaks > beginning to surround her. Rebecca: Hey look, it's the high school anime club. > Rei: Those guys I just told you about are surrounding me... > Ritsuko: You always get to be the star when you manufacture drama > like this, don't you Rei? Dan: At least there aren't any self-insertions. Rick: What would have been funny was if instead of the boyfriends, it was a list of SI characters. > Rei: I'm not joking they're really coming after me. Tsuneo: We believe you, Rei. Rebecca: Call the funny farm. > Shini: I-I'm scared... Rick: Hey, it's Shinji's twisted clone. Rebecca: Maybe it's his stunt double. > Suddenly all of Rei's old boufriends began to attack her, each was > splurring out their own witicisms that fit their described character. Rick: [Slow] Spuuuddds... Tsuneo: Which are? Care to be a bit more specific, mister authour person? Dan: Man this guy can't even copy text properly. > Then Rei realized something. Rick: [Rei] If I tap my heels together three times and repeat "there's no place like home..." > Rei: WAITA sec! I just realized I never went out with any of these > guys at all. All: Duh! > I don't know where the heck I ever got the impression > that I did. I don't even know these guys. I think I overheard Soryu > and Horaki talking about them. They're probably they're ex-boyfriends. Tsuneo: Uh-huh, that's Asuka who's been hung up on Kaji since you met him and Hikari, the shy class president. Rrright. > Rei, Pen-Pen and Shinji began walking away. Dan: Just walk calmly away and whatever you do, don't look back. > Rei: Like I would go out with a person with skin more pale then mine. Rebecca: [Kaoru] I resent that! > Pen-Pen: Word of explanation, our magical heroine hasn't realized she's > in a dream, with the typically nonsensical "dream logic" and all that... Dan: You mean these people have no actual basis in reality? Yeah, right. Rick: And she said they were Asuka and Hikari's boyfriends, which would imply out-of-dream knowledge. Get your story straight, fic. > Rei and her band was walking around the mall when they happened into > a music store. > Shinji: What ar we here for? > Rei: Don't worry, I doubt any major evil is lurking and I wanna find > that mega rare American release only No Doubt CD. Dan: Hey look, the authour's ramming his musical tastes down our throat in a manner that is completely inappropriate to the story! Way past cool! > Touji: Typical your music taste is as to the curb as your super hero > costume. You're so sad, you're only one step away from...ADULT > CONTEMPORARY! Rick: Since when has Toji been concerned about people's tastes in music? Tsuneo: Since when have musical tastes been a part of this fic? > Rei: According to you my entire value as a human being is based on > how non-commercial my favorite bands are. Rebecca: And given that her tastes are limited to Gregorian Chants, I'd say Rei's doing pretty well. > Touji: Damn straight doll, and based on your awful taste in music > your human value is ZILCH!!! > Pen-Pen: HOLD IT! Time out for a refreshing pose break. Dan: Let's not and say we didn't. Rebecca: It's not like you can have a pose break in text anyway. Rick: Only if the authour actually describes it this time. > Rei: Yay! > Well I told ya about al that available Rei art, if you wanna see > some Toui art, Rebecca: Toji fan art? How sad. > try going to that Fourth CHild PAge under the > Evangelion links at Anime Web Turnpike. All: Cop-out! Rick: One quick pose break later. > Pen-Pen: Good posing kids, now you can go back to the imminent fight > scene now. > Touji: HOw about how you lapped up every chick act? For instance the > fury of Alanis, the Canadian repackaged as anger chick! Dan: Whose career was over before you were even thought of, but never mind. > Rei jumped out of the way of one of Touji's blasts. Wait since > when can Touji blast? Rick: Well, he turns around and asks someone to pull his finger. > Ah well, story continuity must prosper. Tsuneo: Pity you didn't think of that at the start. > Touji: Then you swalloed Gwen Stefani and Fiona Apple...Paula Cole > and Natalie Imbruglia... Dan: None of which would be around by 2015... > Rei: Don't pin Paula Cole on me. It's not my fault Dawson's Creek > chose such an annotying theme song. Rebecca: Nuh-uh, you just confessed to watching Dawson's Creek. That's a lump on the head. Next thing you know, it'll be Party of Five, and I'll have to shoot you. > And besides what are you talkign > about, we live in the 2020's, not the 1990's! Tsuneo: Actually, it's the 2010's, but never mind. > I detest Paul Cole Dan: Paul Cole? Rick: Guess who else suffered a Jusenkyo-related accident. > as all right thinking citizens should! AWE INSPIRING CD RACK ATTACK! > Rei wielded her wand to throw out a blast of her own. Tsuneo: Does anything happen with that blast, or does it just "blast?" Rebecca: It just "blasts." Tsuneo: Thought so. > Touji: And mad of your other musical opinions are suspect! You > also expressed no preference for the Indigo girls when they were > just grotesquely overrated rather than grotesquely oveplayed, and > you remained suspiciously quiet during that whole Spice Girl > atrocity. Dan: Rei remains suspiciously quiet full stop. > Touji blasted Rei's wand from her hand. > Touji: I offered to make you a compilation tape of GOOD music, Rick: No you didn't. > but you didn't listen, did you? Tsuneo: Well you did put your own Dragons Of Doom stuff on it, so can you blame her? Dan: At least there was no Thrashing Gonberts. > Rei: Uh, I just heard that your fave band of bands 10,000 maniacs > are back together. Rick: Time to cram his musical tastes down our throat some more. Dan: 10,000 maniacs? Sounds like the audience after a typical Nitro. > Touji: WHAAAAT? > Rei: Yeah and I read it on the internet so it HAS to be true. Tsuneo: Since when does Rei have an internet connection? Dan: Don't you know? She IRCs every night with her friend Lain. Tsuneo: ... > Touji: Oh happy day! The nightmare of her solo career is over! > 10,000 MANIACS LIVES! > Rei: Sucker, 10,000 Maniacs are over buddy! She's NEVER coming back! Rebecca: Now tell someone who cares. > Rei took this time of Touji's sadness to thwack him repeatedly > with her wand. Tsuneo: Thrilling conclusion there, folks. Dan: Ooh, scary. You're being beaten by an empty beer can wielded by Rei. Rebecca: Toji has sunk about as low as he can go. > Pen-Pen: Remind me not to make fun of Imbruglia in front of her. > Shinji: Feel her womynrage, sexy boy with the bad hair cut! Rick: Shinji, I worry about you. > To Be Concluded! > _____________________________________________________________________________ > How did you guys like that one? I hope you thought it was good. I had fun > writing it. Tsuneo: [Authour] The mushrooms helped a lot. They gave me advice. > Just 1 more part to go. All: Thank you. Rebecca: Because there's only one more issue to rip off. Heaven forbid he writes his own stuff. > This is just a little something > for everybody (I hope) E-mail me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com Keep the feedback > coming. I hope I get alot of it. Please e-mail me, cyber space can get > lonely! See ya soon! Dan: [Authour] There's no-one here but me and the freaky girl with the bad hair! Help me! Voice: Last one, guys. > So, who out there thinks that Rei is a little Drama Queen? Rick: You and you alone. > Well, this story FINALLY deals with that. Dan: Actually, it deals with the problems of one Roxanne Spaulding, but never mind. > Well not really but I think it's funny. Tsuneo: Fiction is meant to be written for other people. A lot of fanfic authours need to know that. Rick: And real novelists too. Tsuneo: Well, yes. > This is the last installment, so don't go asking for no more. All: We won't. > But do mail me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com I hope I get > some feed back and if you get any time after this, please drop > by my page and read EvaLeSs! The address is > http://animation.acmecity.com/blotter/186 Rick: http://animation.acmecity.com/blotter/299 after five P.M. > I hope you enjoy this and > all other stories. Okay poor little Tabris Enterprises presents... Rick: Wait for it... > _____________________________________________________________________________ > Apathetic Drama Queen > RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRR EEEEEE IIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIII > RRRR RRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIIII Dan: a tOrGo pRoDuCtIoN Of a tOrGo fIlM. > Rei Ayanami was looking at the 'Mall of Doom' directory. Rebecca: Let's see, there's a Games Workshop *and* an A-Zone. How evil is that? > Rei: This sucks Tsuneo: No kidding. > we've barely survived getting through two stores > and a phone booth and she wants us to do the entire mall! Then > screw that damn Queen. Dan: No, this *isn't* Fate of the Children. > Hey, waita minute this is an open-air > mall. That must mean that I can float us outta here. Rebecca: Of course, seeing as there's nothing that actually indicates you can fly... > Pen-Pen: I suppose that's true. > Rei: What don't you believe I can fly? Tsuneo: Well... Frankly, no. > Pen-Pen: No, I do and don't ever come that close to an R. Kelly reference > again. Rick: At least it wasn't Space Jam. > Shinji: You can fly, just get in touch with your womynpower! > Rei: My womynpower...right. > Suddenly many images surrounded Rei, all of them was cloaked in shadow. > But because the shadows were so badly drawn Tsuneo: That's it. Kill him, Adam Warren. > you could tell it was all > the characters of Eva, just like that scene in ep. 25 with tall he 'I > am the me in your mind'. Rebecca: Okay, so what are the members of DV8 doing there? > "Why she's so chubby and cheap-looking, she'd make Clinton's > knees knock!" Tsuneo: Rei? Chubby? She's the slimmest character in the show. > "Didn't anyone tell you that short skirts and fat pasty thighs make > for a nasty combination?" Rick: Fat? Has this guy ever even seen a picture of Rei? > "Man, she's WAY to fat to fly!" Rebecca: So let me get this right. This scene supposedly means Rei is insecure about her appearance, even though she doesn't care about it at all. > "She's Springer bait. She's got all the requirements: broken home, > apathetic and small willed." Dan: Hello? Where does any of this come from? Rebecca: Well, I'll say she's Springer bait, but for completely different reasons. Tsuneo: Don't go there. There are enough "EVA on Springer" fics out there already. > "Next time on Springer, pathetic little trailer tarts who have > crushes on their fathers Dan: Gendo isn't her dad. Get a clue. > and think they're magical." > "Rei's as white as the driven trash." > Rei concentrated quietly as all the insults were flung at her and > suddenly she and her band of friends Rebecca: Okay, so it was just Shinji and Pen-Pen. Happy? > were floating. They lifted > high into the sky and easily levitated over the open air mall. Dan: Hey look! It's a generic cyberpunk metropolis. Rick: Hey, it could be Cyberpunk 2020. Or Shadowrun. Or Neon Cyber. Or Beast Machines. > Shinji: You're like a role model of female empowerment. > Rei: HA! Who's not magical? > Rei and her friends magically flew off and magically found the > location that the un-magical P.C. Queen was sitting petting her cat. Rick: On her mighty throne. Rebecca: What, the thunderbox? > Pen-Pen: Oh, is this a Austin Powers ref. or what? Tsuneo: That would work if it was before the cat... But never mind. Dan: And it's more likely a James Bond ref, unless she's holding up her pinky. > It was Kensuke dressed up in a little cat costume and curled up > on Hikari's lap. All: ... Rebecca: Well that's a mental image I could have done without. > Hikari: HO HO HO HO! > Kensuke: Meoww. Prrr > Hikari: HO HO HO HO! > Kensuke: Mrowr? Dan: Hikari, you're no Naga. You're not even Dr. Evil. Give it up. > Pen-Pen: Your subconscious is more interesting than I thought. > Shinji: I don't know if this is more offensively objectifying to > women or animals or both...! Rick: Women? Hello? Actually, that *is* Kensuke, so that may be more appropriate than I first thought. > Rei landed with a thud from her Dock Martin boots. Tsuneo: I still want to know why Rei is wearing Doc Martens. Rebecca: Because her orthopedic sandals are in the shop. Tsuneo: Huh? > Rei: Okay, Queenie I got through your little Mall of Doom... > Shinji: Actually you sort skipped over it. > Rei: ...so now you can reverse your little curse! Restore my Shinji, > I am so tired of this analytically correct GIRL. Dan: Analytically correct? You have no idea what you're saying, do you? > Hikari: I don't really wanna. If this is upsetting you, you can e-mail > me at I.Don't.Give.A.Rats.Ass@aol.com So nyaa nyaa nyaa nyaa nyaa! Rick: And that would have worked with a less clunky e-mail adress. Rebecca: See? He's being original by changing the e-mail. Rick: You're joking. that's as pathetic as... As... Rebecca: the rest of this fic? Rick: Yep. > Hikari rasberried as Kensuke cuddled on her chest. Dan: I think Kensuke's got the best deal out of this fic. Rick: He's probably enjoying this way too much. > Rei: P.C. Mother-father! > Hikari: Caucasian wannabe COCKERSPANIEL! > Rei: "B"-Word!!! > Hikari: "C"-Word!!!! Dan: [Rei] Pointless extra! Rick: [Hikari] Pasty-faced senshi wannabe! Dan: [Rei] Beerswilling pig! Rick: [Hikari] Horse-faced space-dog! Dan: [Rei] La Parka! Rick: [Hikari] Smilay! Dan: [Rei] Retrax! Rick: [Hikari] Injector! Rebecca: Okay, can it you two. > Shinji: We're all sisters here, can't we all just get along? All: No! Rick: [Shinji] Eep, sorry! > Hikari: Why don't you deal with my NOT-so-little friend! Tsuneo: If this is Maya in a maid's costume, I'm leaving. > Hikari raised her hand to show a giant sized Gendo in a bad Eva-01 > costume. He was walking through the streets, well rather crashing. Dan: Uh-huh. I see. This is pretty screwed up right here. > Hikari: Behold...GIANT ROBOT/HUMAN COMMANDER GENDO! > Shinji: Eep. > Hikari: Relish in his presence, the product of how a Japanese man > 'should' be, garbed in a sexist, fan service and fetishistic degrading > costume that leaves not too much to the imagination around the crotch > area. Rick: Uh... Huh? Rebecca: Thanks for that mental image. Tsuneo: How the hell is EVA-01 a sexist, fetishist costume? Dan: 'Cause. > Kensuke: Mrowr? Rebecca: Kensuke gets all the best lines. > Pen-Pen: Damn, your subconscious is a LOT more interesting than I > thought. Dan: Never mind her, I worry about the authour. > Shinji: Run away! Tsuneo: [Shinji] I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away... Ah hell, run away! > The hand of the giant Gendo came crashing down on Rei but a cigarette > flew. Rebecca: Not that it actually did anything; it just sort of flew. > Rei and Gendo looked up. > Kaoru: I would be quite upset if you were to hurt Rei, for her heart > is pure and good like heroine's should be. So I the oddly omnipresent > Tuxedo Angel declares that... > Suddenly Kaoru felt a hand around his body. The hand then squeezed and Rebecca: Five minutes of the same cel later. > his head popped off. Dan: [Kaoru] I have no further part to play in this, I think I'll go organise my stamp collection. > Hikari: Die, bad excuse for an animated gay male! Tsuneo: Bad excuse? What is wrong with you? > Rei: H-Hey. I think, at least according to some of the latest fanfic > writers, that Kaoru should be considered something more trendy like > bi-curious. I mean I always assumed he liked Shinji but according > to these new writers, Kaoru seems to want relationships with females. > No names. Dan: Face it, the authour's talking about himself. > Okay maybe he was only an angel in a tux. But he was my > DAMN angel in a tux!!!! Rick: Worst part is that tux was rented. > So you're going down you supersized L-O-S-E-R! > Rei began to fly into the air with her, erg, um, wand glowing. > Pen-Pen: Watch out! > Hikari: Princess, prepare to experience the power of...GENDO'S > GASTLY GROTESQUE AT-FIELD GENERTAION DECONSTRUCTOR!!! > Rei crashed to the ground as her clothes predictably tore off > of her. Dan: So Hikari yells out a stupid attack, and Rei carks it. Rick: There's some flavour text missing in between. > She landed in a conveniently set up pool. Tsuneo: Okay guys, who's in the pool? Rebecca: I would say the sixteenth angel, but that makes too much sense. Dan: You watch. In a glorious streak of unoriginality, it's going to be Leonardo DiCuposoup. Rick: Well I'm going to say Yui Ikari, simply because the authour won't do it. Tsuneo: Good one, Rick. I'll go with your suggestion. > When she got > up she looked around to see a chibi form of herself. Rebecca: Damn, her subconscious is way more screwed up than I thought. > They began > to spit that 'I am the I that exists in your mind' crap at each > other. Tsuneo: Boo! Cop-out! Rick: So it is the sixteenth angel after all. Rebecca: I win! > Rei then had on a new costume. It was her original one > only it shined pure white. Rei then shot up at the robot. Dan: Any reason why she's suddenly inspired and revitalised? Tsuneo: She realised the end of the fic was in sight. > Rei: CHEW ON MY STUPENDOUS BEAT THE HELL OUTTA THE COMMANDER > AND SAVE THE FRICKIN' WORLD ATTACK! Dan: Hey look, there's a screw. And a spark plug. > Hikari: We're saved. Tsuneo: Description would be nice about now. > Rei landed on Hikari's head as a zillion people just popped up around her. Dan: [Rei] Aack! You're squashing me! > Shinji(female): You're SO inspirational! > Pen-Pen: You ROCK! > Sailor Moon: Yay, Rei! Dan: Not that she's got anything to do with this story. Or Rei would know who she is, for that matter. > Touji: You're a mini skirted Goddess! Rick: [Toji] Emphasis on the mini-skirted bit. > Misato: I'm so proud of you! Dan: [Misato] So proud that I'm almost sober. > Shinji(male): You're so darn wonderful. > Asuka: She's so numinous. Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare have the great Asuka toadie to this pale- skinned twerp? I quit! > Kensuke: Mrowr!!! > Misato: I hereby declare today 'Rei Appreciation Day'! Rebecca: [Misato] And whaddya know, it's almost midnight. > Shinji: Getting turned into a girl was the best thing that ever > happened to me because it brought me closer to you... > Sailor Moon: You're my role model as a magical heroine! Tsuneo: [Sailor Moon] I've said my two lines, can I go now? > Hikari: Rah, rah, rah! Rei's the queen of the world! Dan: I doubt she'd be so emphatic with Rei standing on her. > Touji: You are SO smart, too! > Rei: Huh? > Pen-Pen: Uh-oh... > Rei: Wwwait a sec. This isn't real, you think I'm conceded. Dan: I'd love two know who she's pointing at. > And you don't appreciate me Misato, you think I'm not adept at living. > And YOU-! > Rei grabbed Shinji. > Pen-Pen: Dang it, she's gonna wake up. > Rei: You're not a prince, you're a jackass. A stupid, horny, sniveling > little jackass! Tsuneo: And still more words that don't describe Shinji in the slightest. > Shinji:... > Rei: I'm in love with a stinkin' jackass who's name means 'true hatred'! > What the HELL is wrong with me? Rebecca: Rei, let's not even start. > All of you people despise me, that is > those of you who even care that much about me. Rick: [Asuka] Sorry, is someone talking here? > So obviously the only > reason that all you bastards are here clapping for ME is because, either > I became the star of Eva or...I'm dreaming. > Pen-Pen: Here I go, back to my two-word vocabulary... Dan: One word vocabulary: Wark. Tsuneo: And that joke's only funny with a set-up, which didn't happen anyway. > Rei: GOD, I ahte having pleasent dream cause... Tsuneo: They always wind up as sucky fanfics. > Rei's eyes shot open as she looked around her abandoned apartment > room. She was staring wide eyed at the ceiling. Rebecca: [Rei] I hate this place. > She spoke once again in her normal monotone. > Rei: ...cause I always wake up. > The End! All: Thank you. > _____________________________________________________________________________ > Did anyone else LOVE that? (the tumble weed rolls by) Dan: You'll be waiting a long time, kiddo. > Oh, alright! > I'll be finishing up EvaLeSs so you fans look out! I'll also be > starting work on another story. Rebecca: What, Evangelion Bootleg: Shinji the Movie? Rick: No way, it's Rei & Asuka: Start the Violence. Dan: Is that the follow-up to his Fatal But Not Serious? > I hope everyone continues to read > my work and I have a few people who's work I like, but as not to miss > on anyone, I'll say nobody. Rick: What's the odds that it's Tom Dyron? Tsuneo: I refuse to believe anyone could like that fic. > Just check out all Eva fanfiction, I think > I've read just about ALL there is out there. Can any one else say that? > Then again I have entirely TOO much freetime. Dan: We noticed. > Waita second, no I don't I have a series to finish! And one to start... Rick: [Authour] I've got more comics to copy! > gotta go get busy writing. Busy, busy, busy! [The back wall with the door explodes in. A pair of scantily clad, ludicrously endowed women, one with red hair the other with black, enter. They pull a large amount of futuristic guns out of seemingly nowhere and empty them into the TV. They then leave.] Dan: Well. Rick: Well. Voice: My wall... Rebecca: I see no-one likes that fic. Voice: So can we have your opinions? Tsuneo: An obvious idiot. Voice: Very funny, Tsuneo. I need a real review. Tsuneo: Bite me. [He gets up and walks out through the former wall] Rebecca: What can I say? It was a lame rip-off of a great comic series. [She gets up and leaves] Rick: I agree. [He follows her] Voice: ... Dan: What? Voice: Well? Dan: Well what? Voice: What about you? [Dan gets up and leaves. The screen goes blank.] Voice: It wasn't that bad. Guys? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley & Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Rei: I dont believe this...SAILOR MOON GETS THE HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS > TUXEDO MASK, BUT I GET KAORU DRESSED IN A FRICKIN RENTED TUXEDO?!