Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I'm back! Due to an overwhelming number of requests (Maybe three), I'm doing more Robotech works! This time, it's a biggie: Two issues of that most infamous of Robotech comics... "Robotech: Aftermath" is copyright Academy Comics Robotech is copyright Revell/Harmony Gold ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the not to distant future, 2135 AD. The nasty Louisa Chang Was hatching an evil scheme. She targeted a girl named Sandra, The Earth President who ran the place. She had a roll for her to fill, So she bopped her on the head and shot her into space! [Louisa singing now] I'll send her crappy comics, The worst that I can find, [La La La] I'll force her to watch them all, And she'll go out of their minds! [La la la] [Original singers] Now keep in mind she can't control when the comic begins or ends. So she'll have to sit and riff them all, with the help of her redneck friends. RUINS ROLL CALL! Sandra! (The Pres!) Matt! (Don't mind me!) Sean! (I'm the best!) Kara! (I'm the cute one!) If you're wondering how they eat and breath, And other science facts. Repeat to yourself "It's just a MSTing" "I really should relax!" For Mystery Ruins Theatre 3000! Matt hunched over the computer screen, Sean and Kara breathing over his shoulders in anticipation. "Right. I'm in", he whispered. "Show us what she's got." Kara asked, in a rather nervous tone. "Hmm..." Matt replied. "It seems that several of them are encrypted. But I can show you the ones that are available right now if you want" "Go for it" Sean answered. "This could be amusing." Kara added. "Well, yeah, actually." Matt replied. "This one's yours, Kara" A file printed out on the screen, accompanied by a rather gormless picture of Kara. "Wow. I look like a complete airhead" Kara muttered. Name: Kara (No last name given) Race: Human/Caucasian/Female Age: 21 Place of Birth: Dudleyville, North American Badlands Height: 175cm Eye Colour: Brown Hair Colour: Black Rank/Occupation: Flight Instructor, EarthGov Armed Forces Specialization: Flight-capable mecha piloting Background: Originally a Badlands mercenary mecha pilot and bandit, Kara was a vital part of the private army known as "Matt's Army" that was instrumental in the 2135 war between EarthGov and the Colonial alliance. An excellent natural pilot, Kara has benefited greatly from battlefield experience. Offered a commission with EarthGov Armed Forces as a flight instructor after the war. Currently assigned to Fort Bed Springs academy. Personality Brief: Kara is a touch immature, but sensible and level headed under fire. Generally light-hearted and free-willed, she is, on occasion vain, self-centered and prone to whining fits, but can be relied upon n a combat situation. First Appearance: "Robotech: Megastorm" part 1 "Hey! I am not any of those things!" Kara whined. "Yeah..,. we believe you" Sean replied. "Well let's just see what this thing says about you, Sean..." Kara replied, maliciously. "Hey!" Sean interjected as his file, complete with a bleary-eyed photo flashed up on the screen. Name: Sean (No last name given) Race: Human/Caucasian/Male Age: 23 Place of Birth: Bad Ass, North American Badlands Height: 183cm Eye Colour: Brown Hair Colour: Blond Rank/Occupation: Flight Instructor, EarthGov Armed Forces Specialization: Flight-capable mecha piloting Background: A former Badlands mercenary, Sean was a member of "Matt's Army" during the 2135 EarthGov-Colonial Alliance war. Already considered to be a top-quality pilot before the war, Sean has benefited greatly from combat experience. Offered a commission with EarthGov Armed Forces as a flight instructor after the war. Currently assigned to Fort Bed Springs academy. Personality Brief: Brash, overconfident and free-spirited are perfect descriptions for the pre-war Sean; nowadays he has mellowed somewhat from experience yet still shows an inventive and reckless spirit in combat. First Appearance: "Robotech: Megastorm" part 1 "Well that was blatant and honest" Matt replied. Sean muttered something under his breath. "How about you?" Kara asked. "Might as well bare my soul to you two. It's fair enough" He replied as his file, complete with a bad photo, came up. Name: Matt Green Race: Human/Caucasian/Male Age: 34 Place of Birth: Empire City, North America Sector, EarthGov Height: 185cm Eye Colour: Blue Hair Colour: Brown Rank/Occupation: Commander in chief, Badlands Alliance Armed Forces Specialization: Small-unit operations, infantry mecha combat Background: Matt has had a long career in mecha ops. Originally an EarthGov Armed Forces pilot, he resigned after the Russetville Incident (see ref 34563) and moved to the Badlands where he started his own Mercenary Unit. Formed a private army (Dubbed "Matt's Army") out of Badlands Mercenaries, militias and bandits during EarthGov-Colonial Alliance war. Made commander in chief or newly-formed BAAF after the war. Personality Brief: Calm, level-headed and controlled. Friendly. Cares deeply for his men. Considered to be an excellent commanding officer. First Appearance: "Robotech: Megastorm" part 1 "So your army's initials are 'Barf?'" Kara asked. "Strangely appropriate, actually" Sean replied. Matt laughed. "So what are you guys up to?" Sandra asked as he entered the room. "Uhh... Nothing!" Matt replied hastily as he spun around in his chair and switched off the computer. "Yeah... nothing at all" Kara added, rather unconvincingly. "So..." Sandra replied. "You weren't digging through Louisa's personnel files to try and find out more about my enigmatic background?" "Whatever would you think that?" Sean responded, nervously. As if to make him feel worse, the Mad's Light (As Sandra insisted on calling it) started flashing. "Could someone get that?" Sandra asked politely. "Spice and Madusa are calling us" "Javol, mein kapitan!" Kara replied as she walked over to the flicked the main comms console and flicked the "on" switch. "What's got her?" Sandra asked. The other two shrugged. After a second or two, the screen cleared to show the ever-lovable interior of Montauk 13, Deus Ex Machine and all. Louisa was standing in front of the screen, hands on her hips and a malicious grin on her face. Behind her, Carla was being talked at by a man in a military uniform with a goatee beard. "So after that I built a Surface-To-Air missile 'wall of death' in an effort to cut the east and west coasts of America off from each other. Then, with my hordes of loyal Mongolian Horsemen, North Korean mercenaries, mafia thugs and drug-addicted soldier-slaves, I marched on one of the most important bastions of all things American-" The man said, adding lots of expression with his hands. "You mean?" Carla replied, nervously. "That's right! Kansas City! And we would have taken it too, if not for those rotten kids and that lousy Hawk Hunter!" he finished this with an aggressive swing at thin air, as if to illustrate his anger. "Greetings, boobies!" Louisa somehow managed to get in over the background conversation. "And how are my lovely little guinea pigs doing today, hmm?" "Good thanks" Sandra replied, dripping sarcasm. Carla jumped up and barged her way past Louisa. "Hi there, Kara -Chan!" Louisa casually backhanded her and sent her flying. "Owwww..." "Now Louisa" the man said as he stood up. "That's no way to treat a woman" "It isn't?" Louisa replied, sarcastically. "Then what do you recommend?" "Get her addicted to drugs, make her your personal sex salve and mascot of your army, dress her in a tiny bikini and top hat and then slap her around" "Um... Pardon me, but who is this creep?" Kara replied. "Oh, him?" Louisa looked aside for a second. "That's my good pal, Viktor Robotov. He just dropped by the Montauk to drop off some old Antarctic Press comics he was finished with." "Anyway, where was I?" Viktor rambled. "Oh yes... anyway, after being defeated in the US, I fled back to my Desert Kingdom in Saudi Arabia where I began..." he trailed off as Louisa stood between him and the screen. "Anyway" She continued. "Before we start today's experiment, I'd like to see what you've made for me for today's Invention Exchange" "Coming right up!" Matt replied as Sean dashed off to another room. "Now as we all know" he began "The most popular characters for marketing in Japan share two common features that make them desirable. They have very big eyes, and very small limbs" "So, we have created the ultimate Japanese marketing icon, based on these two facts" Sean continued as he entered carrying a large tray with a cloth-covered object on it. "So allow me to present..." He pulled away the cloth to reveal an anthropomorphic brick with very small limbs and very big eyes. "Renga!" "Renga?" Louisa replied, seemingly stunned. "It's Japanese for 'brick'" Sean explained. "And with his oh so big eyes and oh so small limbs, Renga here is just begging to be unleashed on the Japanese public." Kara continued. "Just think. By this time next year, every kid between here and Uzbekistan will have a Renga pencil box with bad Japangalish slogans on it" Sandra finished. "What are you trying to appeal to, total idiots?" Louisa replied, nonplussed. "IT'S SOOO KAWAII!" Carla squealed as she shoved back onto the screen. "Case proven" Sandra finished. "Hmph" Louisa hmphed. "Well my invention is far, far more deadly." She nodded to Carla. "Get the cheesecake" Carla skuttered off the screen and returned, wheeling a large cheesecake on a trolley. "As you know, it's becoming harder and harder for the modern terrorist to take explosives anywhere." She sighed. "From specially trained sniffer dogs to x-ray machines to metal detectors to full cavity searches, there's very few options left for the modern terrorist when it comes to trying to smuggle in a few pounds of high explosive death" "Cry me a river, liberal" Sandra sighed. "Anyway, wee came up with this" Louisa replied. "This may appear to be a perfectly normal cheesecake, but in fact, it is a powerful high explosive." She pointed at the cake. "Each and every crumb of this culinary masterpiece is in fact a specially prepared explosive that leaves no residue and has no noticeable odor apart from that of a normal cheesecake." "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm impressed" Sean commented. "And how much of this cake would you need to, say, blow open a bank vault?" Matt asked. "Well, we did have to water the formula down a bit to include it in the cake... so let me think..." She paused. "You'd need a cheesecake about the size of a small tank" "That's... Pretty useless" Sandra finished. "You call that a masterful invention?" Viktor needled as he walked onto the screen. "Why, when I was assembling my million-man army, I used a holo-plane to project my image across the Mediterranean. I struck fear into the hearts of my enemies while ensuring the fanatical loyalty of my men. I would have succeeded too..." He rambled off again. "Don't worry, Louisa" Carla said, looking up at her boss. "You'll always be my favorite cheesecake" "I'll pretend you didn't say that" "Query" CABAAL's voice rang out on the Montauk. "Shall we begin the Experiment now or just sit around and let Viktor talk them to death?" "Oh yes... the Experiment" Louisa grinned maliciously. "She's scaring me" Kara whined. "Oh... be afraid. Be very afraid" Louisa said, evilly. "For today, I have a nice piece for you. I give you the utterly bizarre Aftermath #12, served with a short, the totally psychedelic Aftermath #13!" She burst into maniacal laugher. "Aftermath?" Sandra replied in shock. "You are mad!" "Why thank you!" Louisa replied. "Ha! You call that a maniacal laugh?" Victor added. "Why, you have nothing on me..." "Great. He's starting again" CABAAL added. "I told you not to let him in, but you never listen to the big disembodied voice..." "Do you mind not talking about my friends like that?" Louisa snapped. "Carla, push the button" "Pushing the button!" Carla replied cheerily as she pushed the button. Lights flashed and sirens went off onboard the SoR. "We've got Fanfic Sign!" Sandra shouted. Sean dropped Renga as the four of them ran around in seeming blind panic. [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes up and you proceed.] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks open and you proceed] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You force it open and proceed] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. You swing it open and proceed] [Sandra walks in and sits down on the far left. Sean sits next to her, and Kara next to him. Matt sits down on the right] > [A field of grass with a plane overhead] Matt: This looks like the start of a dull nature documentary. > Ohio > 13 October 2012 Sean: Ohio? Well there's the dull. > [Computer diagram with a large arrow labeled home.] Kara: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm! Sean: Starting early on the blatant endorsement, I see. > V/O: Omega Six, this is Edwards! Do you read?! Sandra: Regrettably. > Over! > academy comics presents Matt: A blank white panel? > a bruce lewis comic Sandra: You know, he was once described as the "Antichrist of Robotech". Matt: Wow. Sandra: James Luceno was proud. It meant people stopped hassling him about it. > [Futuristic black plane in flight] Kara: Wow. Can I have a plane like that? Matt: Only if you're good. > V/O: Dammit, six, this is General Granger! I order you to-- --Holy-- He's closed the > channel! Sean: Some IRC hosts are like that. Kara: 0megASeX has left channel /edwardsbase Matt: How do you pronounce that? > V/O 2: He's still on course, General. Sandra [Sharon Apple]: Higher... faster... > Six minutes to target. > [Hatch on plane's back] Sean: You watch. Any second a Ninja Turtle's gonna pop out of that. > Plane: Home Matt [Announcer]: And Omega Six slides home! The crowd goes wild! > V/O 2: Sir, I'm getting an urgent flash message from Alaska HQ... Kara: The comic's been cancelled and we can all go home! Louisa [V/O]: No such luck. > Defensenet reports unusual orbital maneuvers by the alien fleet ... Sean: Apparently they're doing the Tango. > [Close up on hatch, labeled 'cryogenic'] Kara: It has it's own built-in mini bar fridge! How cool is that? > Plane: Going home. Sandra: So is this meant to be the Robotech Buddy Movie issue or what? Matt: Where's the buddy? Sandra: There is that. > General [V/O]: Not now! We've got to get six back under control Sandra: Why is it that advanced superweapons almost invariably run amok or are stolen? > before... > [Computer diagram with arrow labeled home] Kara: Hey! Over here! Yeah... us! The guys with the damn arrow hanging over us! > Plane: Almost home. Almost. Query? Energy detected. Matt: Amalgonious energy? Sean: Maybe it's got one of those cool Invid Protoculture sensors. > [General and cute bridge bunny] Matt: Hey look. It's Generic Cute Operator with Fat American General. Sandra: How many Animies and Godzilla movies has he been in anyway? Sean: Too many. > Bunny: Oh my god, sir! It's Alaska! Kara: What gave it away? The moose walking down the middle of the street? > Attack warning! The aliens are firing on Earth! Sandra: So they've moved the Rain of Death to October now, right? Matt: Seems that way. Sandra: You know. In "Hohsq's Story", another one of Bruce's pieces, he put the Rain in May. Matt: That says a lot. > General: This is it! They're doing it! Sean: Parents, now may be a good time to take your children from the room. > [Computer diagram] Matt: So this is what Windows 2010 will look like. Sandra: Only the Beta, mind you. > Plane: Analysis: Enemy action. Order number 1: Sandra: A robot must not harm or by action or inaction allow harm to come to a human. > Attack and destroy enemy forces. No. Home. Must go home. Sean [Plane]: Must talk. In sentence. Fragments. Kara: Must find Butto! And destroy! Magic Bomb! Matt: Very obscure. > [Energy beams streaking through the sky] > Plane: Conflict. Conflict 3201. Sandra: That's the one where you can't decide whether to watch RAW or Nitro. > Attack. Must atta-- No. Home. Sean: Make up your damn mind, plane. > Must go-- Matt [Plane]: To Disneyland. > [General exploding] Matt: Then, General explode. Sandra: See you, Generic Fat American General. Nice knowing you. > General: All personnel! This is the commanding officer! Evacuate at once! Evac-- Kara: Check it out, Sir! We're dead! Sean: That's right, Kara! > Megaroad: Mission 2 All: Electric boogaloo! > Ghost Machine Sean: Is that anything like Ghost In The Shell? Matt: Knowing Bruce, quite possibly. Sandra: Except with lots of badly-drawn girlish looking men and contradicting itself every page or two. > Aftermath created by Bruce Lewis Sandra: And he's welcome to it. > [Energy beams streaking through the sky] Sean: You got to look at the good and the bad. 95% of the world's population is dead but on the upside, you'll get an awesome tan. > [Plane flying in front of beams] Kara: Hey! Down in front! > Plane: Attack. Enemy attack. Switch to pursuit mode and-- No. Home. Must go-- > [Computer display of beams hitting the Earth, including point labeled home] Matt: I guess that solves that problem. > Plane: Multiple surface impacts ahead. Primary impact zone identified as-- ID error. > Confirm? Sandra: Wow. Ohio's getting waxed. On the other hand, Cincinnati will look much better. > [As before, with all targets labeled as "target destroyed'] Sean: When SimCity goes bad. > Plane: No. Error 3201. Must go-- Error. Error 3201. No. No. Error. Matt: Out of cheese error. Redo from start. > [Close up on previous diagram] Kara: Hey look. You can see all the little Sim people! > Plane: Error. Error, error error error error error error error error error error error. > [Static, with label "Sorry, a system error occurred. (ID=13)"] Matt: I guess calling the service desk is out of the question now. Sandra: Wow. The most sophisticated fighter in the world and it's controlled by a Mac. I'll leave the rest of you to figure out the implications. > [Large crater with several vehicles passing by] Sandra: As the last revelers leave the Metallica concert... Matt [Singing]: Rollin', rollin', rollin... Keep those wagons rollin'... > Western Ohio Matt: So those first three pages were just set-up? > May 2047 > Aftermath Year 12 Kara: Is that adjusted for daylight savings? Sandra: Stardate 76945.1. Approximately. > V/O: Boss, I can hardly believe that I'm alive to file this report, Matt [Voice]: That word processor of mine is a killer. I swear it's out to get me. > but here goes. This whole thing started when we arrived at Reflex Point. Sandra: Sooner or later, Everything ends up at Reflex point. Matt: Corg ended up all over it. > art and story by Bruce Lewis Sandra: Be honest. Who else would claim it? > V/O: Or where it once was, anyway. Sean: I hear it's being re-developed into a mall now. Kara: It's convenient to the slave farms and close to all major transport routes. > These few square miles were the focus of the > entire war effort during the Invid war. Matt: Few? Reflex point covers all of Ohio and stretches from Pennsylvania to Illinois! That's more than just a few square miles. Sean [Voice]: What can I say? These imperial to metric conversions always get me. > Today this is probably the most cratered > terrain in the solar system. Sean: Save for a boy's face just before the Prom. > [Vehicle command room with Scott Bernard in command chair] > V/O: As a result, we were running late. The hundred-odd klick trip from Griorie had > taken six months. Sean: The embarrassing part was when they spent all winter driving in a circle around a tree in Iowa. Sandra: Goddamned Plainfolk keep messin' with the damned Wagon Train! Matt: Of course, given the directions Bruce has given, Belmont and Griorie would have been buried under Reflex point years ago, but never mind... > Bernard was upset. That's why he was pushing hard for us to go faster. Kara: The drums and whips were getting a little annoying, however. > [Close up on Scott] > V/O: As it turned out, all his hurrying just got us to this hell faster. Sean: Damned tourists. First they complain that the tour's taking too long to get there and then they complain about the place when you do. > inking by Robert Perchaluk > tones and effects by Bruce Lewis > [Scott in room pointing to a map and arguing with another man] Sean: Is that Chief O'Brien? Just wondering. Matt [Scott]: No, no, no! You pass the ball to number twenty-six and he makes the run for the line! > V/O: Bernard had decided that we were going to visit this place called 'Rightfield'. Sean: Any reason? Matt: He was writing a travel book, you see... Sandra: Scott Bernard's "The Lost Continent", about his travels in post-apocalyptic small-town America. > A bad decision, in retrospect. We'd heard rumors. Sean: Robotech 3000 will be coming this Summer! And it will be Sentinels! And it will be using mecha designs from Orguss, Dougram and Xabungle! > Rightfield was supposed to be a > "tech mine", a treasure-house of old, pre-war, non-protoculture stuff. Matt: Mint-in-box Bandai 1/55th transforming Valkyries, Robotech toy coupons, Gakken Alphas... You name it! > Bernard couldn't resist. Sandra: It was the toy coupons that did it. > Chief engineer Bryce wasn't so sure. > [Close up on Bryce] Sean: Let's not and say we didn't. > V/O: Bryce is a tough guy. He lived with Hohsq in Jungaru, Sandra: Except that Bruce established that all Hohsq's people were T'sentraeti. > and makes no secret of his dislike of Bernard. Kara: And if you think that's bad, you should hear what he says about the coffee. Matt: The Voice over complains, Bryce complains... Is everyone one this trip a whinger? > [Close up on Scott] > V/O: I bugged Bernards's quarters, so I heard the arguments. Sean: The chair goes in that corner! Matt: It looks better over there. > Bernard talked a lot about of finding valuable lost tech. Sandra: Lostech? Is this Battletech now? Matt: Take a look at some of Bruce's mecha art, and call me back. > Bryce felt that taking the Roaches cross-country was stupid and risky. Kara: Gee. Who'd have guessed that an off-road vehicle isn't suited for cross-country travel... > (The rovers, by the way, are called "Roaches" for some reason > that I cannot fathom.) Sandra: Because you want to step on them? > "Of course it's a risk!" said Bernard. "Risk is part of the > mission." If he'd only known... Matt: Any idea who this mysterious voice over guy is? Sandra: I'm guessing it's Lana/Nova. Can't think of who else would have the gall to bug Scott's room. > ["Roaches" driving amongst craters] > V/O: Bryce was right about one thing. Kara: Scott does have very bad hair. > It was a risky trip. Roach for blew its drivetrain halfway there. Sandra: Some people can't help themselves, can they? > We had to tow it. > [Young girl] Matt: Hello, generic animie girl! > V/O: The trip was rough on more than machinery, dammit. I finally had Carmel's eyes > open! The more we rattled over rough terrain, the more agitated she grew... It's > funny. There's nothing wrong with her eyes or her nervous system that I can find. > But she responds only to the brightest light. Its as if she doesn't want to see. > I wish I knew why. Matt: Hmm... this would mean our mystery voice is... Sandra: Matt? Matt: I can't. It's just too stupid for words. > [Roach and two figures looking towards a burning village] Matt: Anyone notice how the Roaches completely changed shape between Aftermath six and eleven? > V/O: We saw the smoke column about two klicks out. Kara: Hey look! They're having a barbecue. > By the time we got to the village itself, it was a mile high. Sean: That's one hell of a barbecue. > [Roach and figures looking down to village] > V/O: Below lay what could only be called hell. Kara: Vegas? > [View of destroyed village from out a window] Kara: I was right! > V/O: Something had incinerated the village. The few left alive didn't live long, thank > god. > [Burned bodies in beds] Sean: Dude... I spent way too long under that sunlamp. > V/O: We did all we could. We tagged the bodies and buried them. > [Nova/Lana writing on a board while another woman carries a body] Sandra: Uh, one question. Where's her eyepatch gone? That eye was shot out. Matt: Maybe Dr Spencer's just that good an eye doctor. Sean: Hey, have you noticed that with that patch, she looks like you, Sandra? Sandra: Shut up. Sean: I'm just saying, that's all. > V/O: Even Satori pitched in. Sandra: Then it's not her who's doing the voice over. Not unless she refers to herself in the third person. > She organized a funerary detail and burned the bodies, > keeping careful count of the tags. The final total was 501. > [Zentraedi in uniform] Kara: What's with the silly lines on his face? Matt: All Bruce's Zentraedi have them. Kara: Any reason? Matt: Mainly to make them look like Marduk. > V/O: But it was Dr. Hoy who discovered what it was that killed them. Sean: Oh, so they had to read Megastorm too? > Hoy: Commander, these people weren't killed by any natural disaster. This skin > sample proves it. Traces of tricellulose, flashburns. It could only have been one > thing. Kara: A cook-off between C-Ko, Akane and Misato. > [Close-up on Scott] > Scott: ...Missile attack... All: Dah de dum dum! > [Scott in ruins] > Scott: Five hundred people burned to death... And by missiles. How? Who has that kind > of firepower? Matt: The IHE? Sandra: The Kurgatch? Sean: The REF Overwatch base? Kara: The Battletruck? > And why here? Matt: Maybe because it *is* a vital storehouse of lost technology? > [Scott looking out over pit with crane in background] Sandra: It's a typical day in New York. Matt: What makes you say that? Sandra: Take a look at the pothole in that road. > Scott: They were mining this old place... probably found some pretty valuable stuff... Sean: Baseball cards, old Superman comics, Japanese Transformers... > ...but this place wasn't ransacked, it was just blasted indiscriminately... Kara: So what, did they hold a convention there or something? > [Scott looking out over pit] Sean [Scott]: Man I wish I'd bought my Bungee cord. > Scott: ..It's kind of like Fate-- Matt: Manos? Sandra: Yes, the Hands of Fate. > an old military base, so secret that even the locals didn't know what was here... Sandra: Oddly enough, it's also marked on tourist maps. > Lost and forgotten when the orders stopped coming... ...Christ, what a pit... Kara: That sounds dirty. Sean: Admit it. You're bored, aren't you? > [Close up on Scott, shadowed] Sandra: Dramatic tension... Will Scott choose the chicken or the fish? > Scott: A pit. Hmmm... ...The Invid had their Genesis pits. Big craters, Matt: Um... underground caverns, not craters. > full of monsters, dinosaurs, Sandra: Giant space turtles... > and god knows what else... ...this pit is definitely of earth manufacture, Kara: How can you tell? Matt: It's got a little "Made in Taiwan" label on the side. Kara: Oh. > but still... ...I wonder if the people who were mining this > place accidentally uncovered a monster? Sean: They unleashed Godzilla? Matt: Oh yeah. Any second now the two little fairies from Mothra Island will show up. > [Scott spins around in surprise Sandra: Wouldn't it be funny if he fell over into the pit? Matt: That's a bit dark. Sean: On the upside, the comic would be over. > with a girl in the foreground] > Girl: Not a monster, commander. An angry ghost. Kara: That's right! Casper's back and he's pissed! > Scott: --The blazes?!-- > [Huge breasted, long haired girl with AMG-style goddess markings on her face in a > short skirt carrying two swords inside her dress] Sean: Urd! Carla [V/O]: Urd-Sama? Where?! Kara: Sad... Matt: I'd love to know *why* she's wearing her swords *inside* her dress... Sandra: She has some unusual fetishes. > Girl: Don't worry, commander Bernard. I'm not your enemy. Matt: She's a SSSWZMG! How could she be evil? Sandra: SSSWZMG? Matt: Short-Skirted Sword-Wielding Zentraedi Magical Girl. Sean: You must have spent ages making that one up. > My name is Sarya Min-Qadderaq. I'm here to help. Sean: Okay, but if she says that she's from the future and knows everything then I'm leaving! > [Scott and Sarya in ruins] Matt: You know, if I saw a woman dressed like that in the street at this time of night, I'd think that she was offering something other than help. Sandra: Doesn't she get cold in that outfit? > Scott: Sarya Min-Qadderaq? A Zentraedi? Sean: Of course! Can't you tell by the Goddess markings, outfit and swords? > How did you get here? Kara [Sarya]: I took the bus. Sean [Scott]: There's a bus to here? Kara [Sarya]: Yeah, but the service is lousy. > Sarya: A Me'eltraeti, commander. Matt: Mixing... Macross and Robotech... Urge to kill... rising... > And would you believe me if I told you I fell out of the sky? Sean: With the goofiness in Aftermath, I would. Sandra: It's good enough for Scott. Just ask him how he got back to Earth. > [Sarya's face in profile] > Scott: You know me? [All start singing Edge's WWF entrance theme.] Louisa [V/O]: That's enough! Kara: Mmmmm... Edge... Matt: What I can never figure out is why a bunch of guys from 2135 make references to late 20th century culture. Sandra: Don't think about it. > Sarya: Of course, commander Bernard. I know a great many things... Sean: Okay, so maybe she does know everything. > Including the truth behind this tragedy. Kara [Sarya]: The butler did it! > [Scott] > Scott: OK, I'll bite. Kara [Sarya]: Kinky. > Come back to the camp and we'll talk it over. Your swords, > please... Just until I know you're on the level. Matt: Er, Scott... Never ask someone who carries their swords like that to hand them over. Not unless you have a SWAT team behind you. > [Sarya] > Sarya: My swords? If I meant you harm, Bernard... Sean [Sarya]: I'd make you read this comic. > ...No matter. Time is short. I will disarm -- for the moment. Kara: Is that a threat? Are you trying to provoke me? > By the way, got anything to eat? Sandra: Ironically enough, it seems that Sarya went to the Lina Inverse school of Magical Girls. > [Corridor] Matt: Actually, they filmed this scene in the back lots of the BBC studio. Sandra: Really? Matt: Yup. And get this. Castle Fate is actually the Sundry Pump House. > Scott [V/O]: The moon?! Doctor, are you saying she is really from the moon? Sean: I guess the Doctor's been hitting the medication too. > [Room with Hoy, Sarya and Scott in it] Sandra: Oh wow. Real meeting of the minds here. Sean: It's David, Daphnie and Crowbar! > Hoy: Well, I'm no master of Teth-reading like Ganz Hohsq, Sandra: Of course. No-one's as good as the legendary Ganz Hohsq. When I grow up, I want to be a blue-skinned Marduk-wannabe like him. Matt: Hohsq: Bruce's *other* avatar. Sean: remind me, what is Teth anyway? Matt: The soul of Protoculture-based beings like Invid or Protoculture-altered beings like Zentraedi and Bioroids. It gives the mystical powers. Sean: Dude, this is totally ****ed up right here. > but I believe I would be able to tell if Me'el Sarya was lying. She is not. Sean: Of course, you could be lying too... Kara: Or just failed your "read teth" skill roll. > Sarya: My Teth is clear, Doctor. Sandra: With the chance of a storm by the weekend. > I am what I represent myself to be. Sean: So, in summary, she's a short-skirted, sword-wielding Zentraedi magical girl from the moon who knows everything. Matt: that's the gist of it. Sean: Fine. Somebody, please kill me now. > My swords, please? Sandra: Sword, sword, sword. That's all it is with you young people these days... > Scott: Not until I know more. How many people are alive up there? How did you get here? > And what do you want? Kara [Sarya]: Lots, by bus and a bite to eat. Matt [Sean]: Fine. What was the question? > [Sarya] > Sarya: What do I want--? Sandra: Take cover. It's turning into a Spice Girls song. > Commander, what I want is Sean [The Rock]: It doesn't matter what you want! > completely irrelevant. Sean: Damn! > I was sent here > by my people to travel this world, observing the state of her people Kara: So she's writing a travel book too? Matt: Yeah. "Life amongst the Humanoids: A SSSWZMG's travels across post-apocalyptic America". > -- and rendering help > where I can. As for my homeworld -- Commander, can you imagine a world where the wars were > nothing more than a memory? Where human beings, both Terran and T'sentraeti, live in peace, > without having to scrabble in the dust for the necessities of life? Sandra: Watch out. It's going to go Star Trek on us... > Well, that world exists! And I and my sisters Matt: Sisters? You mean there's more of them? Sean: Sure... Sailor Tirol, Sailor Fantoma, Sailor- [Kara beans him with a cushion] Ow! Sandra: Say, um... where did the cushion come from? > have been sent here by its people to help this world to it's > feet! Is that not enough reason for my presence? Matt [Scott]: Fine. You've convinced me. Now what's with the outfit? > Commander Bernard, listen to me. The being > that destroyed this place still lives. Sean: It wouldn't be much of a monster if it died off-camera, would it? > It will return-- --and only I can stop it. Matt: This is getting strangely Authour-Avatar like. Sandra: Bruce's avatar is a short-skirted magical girl? That's quite disturbing. But not entirely unexpected. > [Scott] > Scott: What? What destroyed these people? What kind of being has the power to burn five > hundred people alive? Kara: Shabrinigdo? Matt: With the way this is going, quite possibly. > [Sarya] > Sarya: A ghost commander. A ghost that only I can put to rest. Sean: Who're you gonna call? All: SSSWZMG! Kara: That's kinda fun, actually. > [Hoy] Sean: Hey... His markings have changed since the start of the issue... Kara: Aaah... Continuity is way over-rated. > Hoy: A Ghost, sister? Have you come to release a restless spirit? Kara [Sarya]: No, but I'd like to down some spirits. Matt: I know that feeling... > [Hoy, Sarya and Bernard] Sean: Larry, Moe and Curly... > Hoy: Commander, it's late. Perhaps we can resume in the morning. Shall I escort Me'el Sarya > to her quarters? Sean [Hoy]: Pleeeeeease? I haven't had any since this trip began. > Sarya: My swords, Bernard. Before it's too late. > Bernard: No... not just yet. I'm not sure I can believe you. We'll discuss it > tomorrow. All: Foreshadowing! Sandra: Of course she's in the right and Scott's in the wrong. She's a magical girl, and he's a product of The System. This doesn't get too much more obvious. > [Saraya and Scott] > Sarya: Negronta Makurion! Matt: Look... she's speaking in fanboy Zentraedi. Sandra: We could probably make an Aftermath drinking game out of this mess... > There may not be a tomorrow! That thing is coming back! Kara: The Thing? Matt [Thing]: It's clobberin' time! > Scott: We're pulling out of here at first light. If your "ghost" comes back before > then, we'll deal with it. Matt: Do you have a Human Cleric on board? You can't get rid of ghosts without a high- level Human Cleric. > But I won't have an armed stranger roaming my passageways. Kara: Ouch. Score one to Scott. > Doctor...? > [Sarya leaving] Sean: Exit, stage right. > Sarya: ... Matt: So far, that's the best line in this whole issue. Sandra: I don't know. I think Omega Six got a few good ones. > [Scott] > V/O: The conversation ended there, but somehow I knew that nobody in the room > believed that we'd be able to "deal with" whatever it was that had destroyed the > village... least of all Bernard... > [Diagram of drivetrain] Matt: ...So I'm thinking we knock through this wall here and extend the roof out a little. We'll turn this into the kids playroom, and we'll put a guest bedroom over here. > Bryce: It's the main mag bearings. They're completely shot. Roach four is going nowhere. Sandra: There's never a tow truck around when you need one. Sean: Actually, there's a half-dozen ones all fighting over the job. > [Scott and Bryce] > Scott: Chief, this convoy is moving out in seven hours, one way or another. Options? Matt: Push Roach four? Kara: We could do a ballet. I don't know what it would achieve, though. > Bryce: Yeah! Abandon Roach four and get the hell outta here! Sean: Ahem! Matt [Bryce]: Sorry. Get the hell out of here, SIR! > [Scott and Bryce] Kara: Meanwhile, in the same scene... > Scott: That is out of the ques-- Sean: Quess? Here? Don't we have enough magical girls around the place as it is? Kara: I thought we agreed never to mention little miss Sailor Axis again. > Bryce: Dammit, Bernard! This place is a deathtrap! Whatever did this is still out > there, and it's going to come back! For god's sake! We wouldn't even be in this mess > if you hadn't dragged my rovers into this godforsaken wasteland! Sandra: Oh that's right. Blame Scott for everything. Sean: It's your fault we're here! It's your fault we got Celene Dion! And it's your fault that the stock market crashed in 1929! > [Close-up on Bryce] > Scott: Say what's on your mind, Bryce. Matt: His hair? Sandra: That's an awful bad thing to have on your mind. > Bryce: You don't want me to do that, commander. Believe me, you don't want me to > do that. Sandra: Brace yourselves, kiddies. This is going to be messy. > We could have had a recon crew check this place out in a mini! Kara: Check it out in a Mini? Who were they going to send, Mr Bean? Sean: Actually, that could explain what destroyed the place. > But no, > you have to risk all twelve roaches and the lives of these kids just to prove you've > still got it! > [Scott] > Is that what you think, Bryce? That Megaroad is just my attempt to wash my hands of > what happened at Belmont? Is that really what you think? All: Yes. Matt: You can tell that Bryce's a bad person because he's an Anglo-Saxon male. > [Scott and Bryce looking at speaker] Sean [Scott]: You like it? I'm thinking of putting it in the main hall. > Speaker: General quarters! General quarters! Kara: General Quarters here, sir! > All hands man your battle station! This is not a drill! Sean [Lister]: No, it's a chicken. > [Sarya with speed lines] All: Big eyes and speed lines! Long legs and short skirts! > Sarya: He's here. Kara: It's Batman! > [Missiles flying over the roaches] Matt: Games that should not be played, volume seventy: Live Action Command & Conquer. > Scott [V/O]: Bernard to all Rovers! Emergency rollout! Sandra: Gentlemen, start your engines. > We are under attack! Kara: Really? I never would have guessed. > Chen, this is Bernard! Abandon Roach 4 and shift all hands to the Med Rover! Sean [Scott]: You, call my lawyer! You, get me the commissioner! You, get me a coffee! > [Scott and others in Rover] > Scott: Cortez! I'm going topside! Have Bartley bring Me'el Sarya to the Bridge! I'm > going topside! Matt: Any reason why he said that bit twice? Sandra: He's been taking dialogue coaching from Torgo. > Cortez: Aye sir! This is Cortez in roach 1! Roll out -- evasion pattern delta! Sean: Invasion pattern Delta? Is that where you send three goofy monsters per week to Tokyo-3? Kara: He said "evasion" pattern, you twit! > Lt. Bartley, call the bridge! > [Scott on roof] Matt: Hey, nice veiw from up here. > Scott: Holy god... She was right... Sean [Scott]: There are starving kids in China who would gladly swap places with me. > -- That Meltraedi witch was right. Sandra: Well what do you expect? She is Bruce's avatar, after all. > [Silhouetted mecha through binoculars] Matt: Nothing I recognise. Sandra: Actually, it might be Scourge... > Scott: A monster! All [Singing]: You are mighty, Gamera! You are mighty, Gamera! Louisa [V/O]: Now stop that! > [Close up on mecha head] Kara: Zeriam? The hell?