Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 32. A big chance for my third solo - a Sailor Moon/Gobots/ Tarnsformers anti-fic. Joy. Sailor Moon is copyright Naoko T./DIC. Transformers is copyright Hasbro/Kenner/Tankara. Gobots is copyright Tonka/Hasbro/Bandai. The fic's authour is unknown. Anyone who wants to own up will be fed to Inferno. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. The place has been redecorated on a Christmas theme, although truth be told, it looks more like an explosion in a tinsel factory.] [Maya, Janice and Dan all enter, chatting.] Dan: See, we did the place up really nice. Maya: [Apprehensively] Yeah. Clearly. Janice: I think it looks nice. Maybe a touch over-done. Dan: Hmm... Nah, it's fine. Maya: So... We're here a bit early. Dan: I wonder what the voice has got for us? Janice: Hopefully something with neat mecha. I can mostly ignore the fic if the mecha are good. Maya: Is that all you think about? Janice: Sometimes. [They walk over to the couches and sit - Janice and Maya on the forwards facing couch, and Dan next to Janice on the corner of the other one.] Dan: So... Maya: Say, what's everyone doing for the big day? Janice: What, you have Christmas where you come from? Maya: Well, we've got the midyear festival, which is pretty much the same, except less comercial and tacky. Janice: Sounds fun. Maya: Not really. Knowing my luck, I'll be on assignment. Dan: Joyous. Maya: Yeah. And Alex'll be bugging me for time off, and Telmah will probably spend all day drinking coffee. Again. Dan: Who are they? Maya: Oh, it's wonderful. I've got the job of training a couple of recruits and dragging them around with me on assignment. What about you? Janice: A few of us mercs are getting together for a big bash. Lost of bad music, booze and slimeballs. You know, the usual. Dan: Cool. Janice: Then the Valkies turn up, Jeff says something and a fight starts. Dan: This is your christmas? Janice: Hell, it's lots of fun. Especially if Boris, my teammate, gets uproariously drunk again. Dan: Ah, fair enough i guess... Voice: Good morning. Maya: Oh, hello. Dan: So, what is it today. Janice: Are there any cool mecha in it? Voice: Sort of. I know how much you guys like destroying the fics I send you- Dan: Damn right! Voice: So I decided to give you a break, with something fun to demolish. Maya: Do tell. Voice: It's a pathetic little Sailor Moon crossover anti-fic. Dan: So who wrote it? Voice: Well... I don't know. Dan: I bet I do. [The TV screen lights up] > Never Piss Off An Ant Dan: What's it gonna do, crawl on me? Maya: [Holds up Inferno toy] This ant, maybe? Dan: I hope not. > It was a typical, happy pastel day in happy pastel Tokyo. Janice: This is your city on drugs. Dan: A vital part of the anti-fic writing process. > Serena, Ray, Dan: They misspelt her name. Janice: Oh, shut up. Dan: Well, sorry. But with this show, you've gotta spell the character's names carefully. > Mina, Lita, Amy and Rini were going to eat ludicrous amouts of food > and not put any wight on to their ludicrous figures. Maya: It's called a comic effect, but never mind. Janice: Not fair. I wanna eat ludicrous amounts. Maya: There, there. You'll grow up some day. > "It's amazing waht sillicone can do for us 14 year olds" Dan: Silicone? Does this guy even know what he's writing about? > Mina commented as they > crossed the road. They didn't look before they crossed because there > is never any traffic in happy pastel Tokyo. Dan: Obviously not. > Suiddeny, a black and red racing car hit rini and snt her flying into > the nearest wall. Maya: Cue anti-fic. Janice: Load sniper rifles. Dan: And shoot anyone wearing a trenchcoat. > "Oh my god! They killed rini!" Lita yelled Janice: You watch, one of them's gonna say "You bastards!" > "You bastards!" Ray added Janice: I'd be proud, but it was so easy. > (And what sort of a name for a girl is Ray anyway?) Maya: A very good one in Japan, but never mind. Dan: I once met a guy named Ray who was practically a girl, but I don't think that counts. Janice: That's a little more information than I needed to know. > The car laughed a stupid manical laugh. Janice: Oh, god, no. Crasher's hideous uncontrollable laughter. Maya: Wasn't that an AD&D spell? Janice: No, it was a dumb character from a dumb Transformers rip-off cartoon who kept laughing. Dan: Any reason? Janice: It meant she got less dialogue, which was a good thing. > "I've alwas wanted to do that" Dan: Is it too early to shoot the TV? Voice: Yes. Dan: Please? Voice: No. > it sad in a female voice. Janice: Well, Crasher was a particularly sad character. > Suddenly, it stood up and turned into a > stupid looking robot with a pink face. "I am crasher, the really nasty > Gobot!" it yelled. I will kill you all! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Janice: At least her dialogue's faithful to the original show. > Then a plastic motorbike with a smiley face on the front drove up. Janice: I'd hardly describe it as a smiley face though. Maya: Who's this? Janice: The bad guy Gobot's leader, who was almost as dumb as half-a-dozen James Bond villains you care to name. Dan: Hey! I like James Bond films. Maya: You would. Dan: Hey! Voice: Sounds about right. Dan: HEY! No fair! > It too turned into a stupid looking robot. Maya: Did any of them *not* turn into a stupid-looking robot? Janice: ... > It was followed by a stupid > looking helicopter with a face in it's underside Dan: Wonderful disguise there. > that turned into another stupid robot. Maya: I'm guessing the authour likes the word "stupid." Dan: Because it's so appropriate? Janice: And pretty redundant, given the circumstances... > "I am Cy-Kill" the cycle robot said. "This is > Coptor" he said, pointing at the helicopter" Maya: And excess quotation mark. > "What dumb names!" Ray said. Janice: Don't worry, they only get worse. > "Ha ha ha ha ha" Crashr laughed. Dan: I'm beginning to see what you mean. > "And now we will kill you all!" Maya: Well, we know it's an anti-fic. No need to say it. > "I don't think so" sad Serena. They all trandsformed into Sailor > Scouts. Maya: And someday, this may transform into english. > Unforetuantely, the pictures are fuzzy so you don't get to see anything > cool. Dan: Edited, not fuzzy. and I worry about anyone who'd want to perv on fourteen year old girls. Maya: [Whistles innocently] Janice: Why can't I be built like that? > They then posed for about five minits during which time none of > the Gobots thought to shoot them because gobots are really, really stupid. Janice: Well, no arguments there. > "I am Sailor Moon, the champion of" Sailor moon said but got blasted by > Cy-Kill and turned into a pile of ash and two smoking boots. Dan: Tell me, is hitting a small and dextrous target usual for him? Janice: Hitting his surprised minions at point-blank range is about the best he can manage. Maya: I worry about the kind of people who write things like this. > "Hey no fair!" Ray said. "Yopu're not allowed to shoot untiull she's > finished her speech!" Dan: Actually, the bad guys do occaisionally do just that. And she dodges, anyway. > "I couldn't stand her voice!" Cy-Kill said. Janice: [Laughing] That is *so* funny coming from him! Maya: Oh? Janice: Let's just say that Crasher's voice is worse than her laughter, and Coptur makes Rain Man sound smart. And Cy-Kill's worse. Dan: Finished? Janice: And there's no extreme close-ups on Cy-Kill. Dan: Huh? Janice: You remember the extreme zoom-in action in "The Young Master?" Dan: Yeah. Janice: Cy-Kill got that practically every time he opened his mouth. But worse. > The Then shot Amy, just to be > on the safe side, reducing her to a pairt of smaoking boots as well. Maya: I suppose we should consider ourselves amused by this comic effect. Dan: Apart from the fact that it's hideously out-of-place, extremely sick and ludicrously overused? Maya: Apart from that, yes. > "Jutiper Thunder Zap" Jutiper All: AAH! Dan: We've wandered into the Thinker zone! > yelled as she fired a thunder zap at Cy- > Kill. It hit him, and had no effect. Janice: Any particular reason? Maya: It's an anti-fic. It needs to make sense only slightly less than your average wrestling show. > Some of the bots bounced off and it hit coptor instead. Dan: Not that any of us are arguing. > "Fool! My body is made out of plastic! Lightnigh wont hurt me! Janice: Never mind the delicate internal circuitry and wiring. > I just singe and smell bad!" He shot her with his eye beams, reducing her > to a pair of smoking boots. Maya: Theoretically, a running joke is an average to bad joke that becomes funny with repitition. Theoretically. Janice: But this is just pointless. > "No-one is allowed to be more oone dimensionally bitchy than me!" Mars > yelled Janice: Apart from Akane. Dan: Or Asuka. Maya: Or Ayeka. Dan: Or half the female cast of "Neon Exodus Evangelion." Maya: Or Priss. Janice: Or Fatora. Voice: Okay, we get the point. > as she fired a fireball at crasher. (Hey, is it possible that she > is such a bitch because she's called Ray? Just wondering). Dan: No, it's because she has to call her boss "Serena," not "Usagi." Janice: Nasty. Dan: It's true. Maya: And there's our requisite DiC joke for the day. > Crasher lept > out of the way of the fireball, and it hit Coptur instead. "Ow" coptor > said. Maya: I'm noticing a trend forming here. > "Ha ha ha ha ha" Crasher laughed stupidly, Janice: As I said, it pretty much goes without saying. > and fired her lightning bolt from her leg. It hit Mars Janice: Which is surprising, considering her aim is worse than Cy-Kill's. > and blew her to peices. Maya: Without smoking boots, even. > They'd be pciking bits > of her out of the wall for weeks. "Ha ha ha ha ha" Crasher adeed. Maya: Yeah. Whatever. > "Venus Bondage Stuff!" Maya: Ooh! I like her! Dan: Hey! Maya: Just kidding. Really. > Venus yelled as she fired laser beams at coptor, Dan: Even though the pointlessly stuffed-up cry would indicate a different attack, but never mind keeping internal continuity in a single sentance. > They all hit him, denting him a bit and making his left arm fall off. Janice: That kept happening on the toy, too. Maya: What, it's arm fell off? Janice: Yeah. Maya: Any reason? Janice: Because the toy was worse than the cartoon. Dan: That sounds dire. > "Ow" cotur said. Dan: Cotur? Maya: Maybe he's Coptur's dumb cousin. Janice: *Dumb* cousin? Maya: Point. > "Don't just stand there!" Cy-Kill said. Janice: [Laughing] Which is really, *really* rich coming from him. > "Shoot her back!" > "Ha ha ha ha" Crasher added, pointelssly., Maya: In a pointlessly added line. > "But I don't have a gun" Coptor whined. Janice: Yes you do. He has hand-blasters like the rest of them, which he used once and forgot about. Dan: I'm beginning to see your point about their intelligences. > "Ow" he added. Maya: Because he hadn't said it in a while, redardless of wheather he'd been hit or not. > He then remembered > that he had a rotor blade and took it out. He ran at Sailor Venus with > his rotor blade and chopped her into little bitty peices. They'd be > picking her out of the wall for weeks. Dan: So was she just standing still during all this pointless mucking around? Janice: Ah... yup. Maya: Standard anti-fic logic. Dan: Gotta hate it. > "Well done renegades!" Cy-Kill said. They all engaged in a bit of > diabolical laughter, Janice: Amazing. The first time they win anything, and they know what to do. Someone must have given them instructions. Maya: Are you being excessive on riffing their brainpower? Jasnice: Is it possible? > except for coptur whose other arm fell of. Then > Fighter, Tank and Jeeper turned up. Maya: There is the obvious question of what they're doing in the Sailor Moon universe, but never mind. It's an anti-fic, and we don't need stuff like reasons. > "Why are you so late?" Cy-Kill said angrily. Janice: The astro-beam just broke down again. Dan: I really don't want to know. > "Sorry, boss" Fighter said. "But my cheap plastic wings fell off, Janice: Yeah, the toys did that too. Dan: It might be nice if the authour could tell the difference between the toys and the cartoon. > tank > couldn't figure out what he turned itno and Jeeper was looking for > batteries for Zod. Maya: Zod? What is that, obscure European royalty? Janice: The bad guy's superweapon. It was a big blue dinosaur robot thing on three wheels with killer gums and the IQ of a radish. Oh yeah, and it had a handy off switch on it's belly. Dan: And people were scared of this? Janice: amazingly enough, yes. In fact, Cy-Kill's first diabloical plan consisted of building an army of them. Dan: Yeah, that's gonna work. > "Yeah. What do I transform into anyway?" Said tank, Maya: And now we're anti-ficcing the Gobots. [The others stare at her] Even more. > and turned into a > big blue box on treads. They all looked confusded for a few minutes, > tryuing to figure out what he was. Dan: Um... Maya: It's... A decorative hole punch! Dan: A really big trouser press! Janice: A big, stupid looking, plastic toy tank. > Then tank blew up. Dan: And don't tell me the toy did that too. Janice: Only when you fed it to the garbage disposal. That was fun. > "Ha ha ha ha ha" Crasher laughed. Maya: Even though her ally just got blown up. Janice: She'd laugh at a train wreck. [Pause] That wasn't her fault. > "You idiot! He's on our side today!" Cy-KJill said. Maya & Dan: Huh? Janice: It'd take too long to explain. Dan: Try us. Janice: [Sigh] The extra characters often changed sides in backgrounds. Like, for example, in one shot you'd see Dozer and Dumper on the good guy's side, then in the next shot - in the same scene - they'd be bad guys. Dan: I like Gobots. They give us Transfans something to kick. > "Why did he blow up?" Fighter asked. Maya: Soemone fed him to a garbage disposal? Janice: Or put him in the path of a lawnmower. Dan: How many of these things did you go through? Janice: ... > They all stood around thinking about it, Maya: [Quietly] Squeak, squeak, squeak... > then they figured it out. "Someone shot him!" Cy-Kill said! All: Nah! Janice: Or hit him with a hammer. Maya: You were a sick kid. Janice: What can I say? They were cheap. > They all turned around, to see a green tank, a stealth bomber, grey > F-15 jet and a big red ant. Dan: To choose a completely random selection of Transformers. Janice: So what's the ant doing with them? Maya: Getting his appearance fee. > "That's right! We're the Decepticons! Dan: [Megatron] And, of course, a rogue Predacon criminal, but that doesn't matter. > And in the name of really cool transforming robots Janice: Which is really rich, coming from Gen 1 Starscream. Do you know how many hands I lost? Maya: I don't think we want any more details. > we will punish you cheap rip-offs! Dan: I'd say appearing in this fic was punishment enough. > Megatron Power!" Janice: O-kay. This is where it gets officially stupid. > the tank turned into a huge green Robot. Maya: Wearing a silly white outfit with bows and a tiara. Others: GAH! Janice: Well there's an image I do not need. Dan: [Weakly] I may be scarred for life. Maya: Sorry. It's a Sailor Moon crossover, which usually means that someone winds up in a scout outfit. Dan: It's usually the female lead, though. Maya: True. Janice: GAH! > "Starscream Powerr!" Janice: Don't touch it. Maya: Yes, mum. > The F-15 turned into a huge grey robot. > "Darkwing Power!" The stealth bomber turned into a huige black robot. Dan: Which makes you wonder what happened to Smokescreen. Janice: Probably off annoying Zod by repeatedly turning him on and off. Dan: Nah, that's Bumblejumper's job. Maya: [Stares at them] You two have lost me there. > "Inferno power!" The ant turned into a huge red robot. Dan: With a HUGE SCARY FLAMETHROWER! Inferno: [Over speakers] Thank you! Dan: Just thought I'd point that out. Voice: Gotta get those things fixed. > "Why does he have a blender for his butt?" Jeeper asked poiinting at > inferno. All: [Burst out laughing] Maya: Sorry, Jeeper. You're toast. Dan: [Inferno] And for that insult, you will BURN! Janice: I get thew feeling you like Inferno. Dan: Yeah, he's my second favourite Predacon. Maya: No prizes for guessing his favourite. > "Hey! I got a line!" he adeded. Janice: Treasure it, Jeeper. Seriously. > "Fool! You shall burn for your insult!" Inferno yelled, and torched > him with his flamethrowrer, reducing him to a smelly puddle of molten > plastic. Maya: Nicely called, Dan. Dan: At least someone's IC in here. > "Renegades! Attack" Cy-Kill yelled. Dan: That's a bit late, isn't it? Janice: Probably took him that long to figure it out. > "Ha ha ha ha ha!" Crasher yelled. Voice: [Sephiroth] You will die like the others. Dan: Huh? Voice: this is fun. > "SHUT UP!" Darkwing yelled and blew her to peices with his huge > missile launcher. Dan: [Darkwind] BIGGU SCARY MISSILE RAUNCHERO! > She laughed for a little while longer, so he had to > blow her up some more. Janice: Just like I had to- Maya: Please, no more. Janice: Not even what I did to Cy-Kill? Others: No! Voice: Maybe. > "I'm getting out of here!" Fighter yelled and turned into a plastic > jet. But his wings fell off. "It'a a good thing that i have wheels on > my underrside!" He yelled, and drove off. Dan: [Laughing] This is so sad! Janice: No, the sad part was that he had his toy wheels in his cartoon design. Maya: *That* is sad. > "Patheric fool!" Maya: Is that sme kind of doctor? > Starscream yelled. He turned into a jet, Janice: A grey F-15 if I recall. Dan: "A jet?" He points out his vehichle mode earlier, then says "a jet?" > and dropped > cluster bombs on Fighter. Fighter was blown apart, Janice: Leaving Fitor to get away. > along with an > enormous amount of pastel landscape. But strarscream didn't mind, as > he was a bad guy. Dan: And he does bad things. Because it beats working retail. Maya: He's even got a library card. > "Don't mind me" Coptor said as he limped off. No-one did. Janice: Don't worry, Coptor. No-one cares about you. > "Now this is the final battle between good and crappy toys!" Maya: [Megatron] And between fanfic characters and the fourth wall! > Megatron yelled. "One shall stand and one shal fall!" > "I'll rip you apart with my bare hands!" Dan: It was "*crush* you with my bare hands," you moron! it's a marvellous scene in the movie, and I can't believe this loser would trash it like that! Maya: Whoah. Simmer. Dan: Sorry. > Cy-Kill yelled as he ran at Megatron. Janice: And we all know the result, because this is an anti-fic and the victims are always useless in an anti-fic. > "Fine" Megatron said, and blew Cy-Kill apart with is big railgun. "And > so ends the Go-Bots!" Maya: Even though you let Coptor get away. > They all laughed manically. Dan: So this is a scene from the Negative Zero universe? > "Let's all have ice-cream!" Starscream yelled. Dan: In a totally lame reference to a really great South Park episode. > So they all wentr and had ice-crem, Maya: Or ice-cream, even. > except for inferno who decided to stay behind and set > fire to some more pastel scenery. Dan: Well, at least he got Inferno right. > Suddeeny,m Rini woke up. She was oK because she had bounced into the > wall with her head. "Hey there you mean ant!" Maya: Even though he's in robot form and doesn't look like an ant. > she said to Infewrno. Maya: The twisted clone of Inferno. Janice: Twisted? Maya: Point. > "Pink Haired Freak!" Inferno yelled. Janice: Like he says anything quietly. > "The Royalty has commanded your > annihilation! You will burn in the fires of Inferno!" Dan: Any specific reason, I mean apart from the obvious, that Megatron would have him kill Rini? Maya: For being a dubbed scout? Janice: Not really. It's just Inferno's natural regard for all of existance. > He yelled, and > torched her with his flamethrower. She ran around screming for a couple > of minutes, Janice: [Rini] Aah! It burns, it burns! Dan: Thank you *so* much for that. > so inferno torched her a few more times until she died of it. > "That's what I call comedy!" Maya: And that's what I call really, really disturbing. Dan: The disgusting thing is, I know someone who'd agree with that. > He yelled, and deciced to torch some more pastel scenery. Dan: But was sadly killed when Demonicus self-destructed. > The End. Maya: Right. [Maya stands and darts over to the TV. She pulls something out of her pocket, and holds it up to the TV. There is a brief sizzling sound, and she steps back for the screen blows out.] Dan: What was that? Maya: A rather overcharged taser. Janice: Cute trick. I'll have to remember that one next time Jeff shows up. Voice: I'm not even going to bother asking for reviews. Dan: Damn straight! Maya: Suffice to say I worry about anyone capable of writing that kind of thing. If he doesn't like Sailor Moon or Gobots, then he shouldn't watch them. Jancie: Too right. Dan: Come on, let's get out of here. Anyone care to join me for a drink? [They both ignore him. The screen goes black.] Dan: Anyone? Please? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas (rickr@one.net.au) Dan, Janice & Maya are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics, MSTing site and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Suddenly, it stood up and turned into a > stupid looking robot with a pink face. "I am crasher, the really nasty > Gobot!" it yelled. I will kill you all! Ha ha ha ha ha!"