Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 51. A special solo MSTing, taking on a *very* bizarre SM anti- fic. How bizarre? Well... Sailor Moon is copyright Naoko T./DIC. Transformers is copyright Hasbro/Kenner/Tankara. Gobots is copyright Tonka/Hasbro/Bandai. Things To Do In Tokyo When You're In An Anti-Fic has no copyright, as no- one put their name on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on a shelf above the TV.] [Janice sits on the forwards-facing couch, leafing through a magazine. She occasionally glances at her watch, or up at the roof. Eventually she puts down the magazine in frustration.] Janice: When are they going to show up? Voice: Tsuneo said they'll be here soon. There was some kind of delay on set. Janice: Oh. boy. With Dan, that could be fatal. Voice: I wouldn't worry. he's been through worse. Janice: I wasn't worrying, I was hoping. Why am I here anyway? Voice: Well, today's fic requires some... Er, special talents of yours. Janice: Oh, boy. [The door opens and Tsuneo walks in, brushing off his outfit.] Tsuneo: Sorry we're late. Filming went into overtime thanks to Dan here. [A weak cough is heard from outside and Dan stumbles in. He is blackened and bruised, with his outfit torn and burnt as if from a large explosion.] Dan: Well excuse me. I was just playing the role. Janice: What the hell happened to him? Tsuneo: Well, you know the new campaign we're working on? [Janice nods] Dan and I were working alongside the main characters for the first time and, well, something went wrong. Janice: Do I really want to know? Dan: Look, It was going great. I mean, we'd had a fight, then we're on their side - look, don't ask - then for some reason, one of them decides to just blow me up. Tsuneo: Taking most of the bar we were cleaning up with him, I might ad. Dan: I mean, it was ridiculous. This uptight little bitch just decided to blast away at me. For no reason, even! Tsuneo: Dan, I think that's got something to do with you calling her a "psycho hard case," or something like that. Dan: Yeah... But I said it quietly. Janice: Who was this girl? Dan: Oh, her name's Talia and she's a real babe. But she's got a major attitude problem. Janice: So basically, it's just business as usual for you two, huh? Tsuneo: That about sums it up. Voice: Well, now that you're finally here... [Dan sits next to Janice and Tsuneo sits on the sideways couch.] Janice: Can we get started now? Voice: Yes, we can. [The TV screen lights up.] Dan: so what is it? Janice: Dunno, but the voice said he needs my "talents" for it. Tsuneo: Uh-oh. > Opening Notes: Dan: [Author] I'm really, really sorry. > I once noticed a trend, whereby if you didn't like Sailor Moon, > you were automatically considered to be an "Anti-Moonie". [They all look around, confused.] Janice: You lost me. Dan: I don't know where he gets that from either. > I then > noticed another trend whereby if you were an Anti-Moonie, you > automatically were assumed to go around writing bloody anti-fics in > which the Sailor Scouts (Or Senshi) Die Horribly With Sharp Things In > Their Heads. [Dan & Janice shake their heads solemnly.] > Guess what. I don't like Sailor Moon. Ergo, here is my bloody > anti-fic in which the Sailor Scouts (Or Senshi) Die Horribly With > Sharp Things In Their Heads. Tsuneo: Read: I'm venting, deal with it. > All characters are copyright their respective owners blah blah > blah yakkety shmakety. (As if they read these things anyway). > Begin Fic Here. Janice: Let's not. > Things To Do In Tokyo When You're In An Anti-Fic. All: Run. > It was a typically bright and clear day in a world oh so > slightly different from our own. There were the obvious differences - > the fact that everyone has huge eyes, Dan: Except for the majority of the men, whose eyes are the usual size. > the fact that everything is pastel coloured, Janice: As long as you don't look at the buildings, the roads, the parks, the - Tsuneo: We get the picture. > and the fact that blonde is a natural hair colour in Japan. Dan: It's anime! *Anything's* a natural hair colour. > But that's riffing the genre, so I'll leave it off there. Janice: Fortunately. > Suffice it to say that it's not our own world. Tsuneo: Let's see... Dan, when was the last time you saw a girl blow up a monster with magical her powers, besides on TV? Dan: Um... Tsuneo: Point proven. > Anyway, In the outskirts Tokyo of this world, a rather interesting > thing occurred. Janice: Not in this fic. > A very large dimensional portal opened up. No-one > noticed this, of course, as it was an Anti-Fic, and things like common > sense don't happen that often. Dan: Hooray! He's got it right from the start. > But I digress. Anyway, a portal opened > and an unusual trio of vehicles travelled through it - A green and > purple M-1 Abrams MBT, Tsuneo: What a truly effective camouflage scheme. > a grey and red F-15 Eagle and a Black and Blue > "flying wing" style aircraft, similar to but not identical to a stealth > bomber. Dan: He's right, that is an unusual assortment. Janice: Could be worse. Tsuneo: Oh? Janice: Could be a cherry-picker, a Wileys jeep and an autogyro. > The portal then closed behind them. > "We have arrived" the tank announced in a metallic voice. It then > transformed (no surprises there) into an immense Robot - Megatron. Janice: Oh, god. If this turns into a lame rip-off of "Never Piss Off An Ant," I'm leaving. > Behind it, the F-15 transformed into another robot - Starscream. The > Stealth Bomber transformed into another robot, Darkwing, while its tail > section detached and transformed into a fourth robot - Smokescreen. > Starscream opened his chest, revealing a blue cassette recorder, which > transformed (and resized) into a fifth huge robot - Soundwave. Dan: To take a completely random selection of G1 and G2 Decepticons. Janice: At least Inferno isn't here this time. > "Well, mighty Megatron" Starscream said in his usual whiny tone. All: [Singing] Do you have the time to listen to me whine? > "Now that we are here, what are we going to do?" > "Simple Starscream." Megatron replied. "This universe is rich in > energy, and entirely free of Autobots. We are going to conquer it" He > smiled. Tsuneo: [Megatron] Now why didn't I think of this in "More Than Meets The Eye?" Oh, that's right. Because I'm stupid. > "But before we do, we are going to engage in a bit of rampant > ant-ficcing, by eliminating the Sailor Senshi" All: Huh? Janice: Any particular reason? Tsuneo: And how would he know who they are, anyway? Dan: It's an anti-fic. Don't ask for logic. Tsuneo: You're going to be relying on that excuse quite heavily, aren't you? Dan: [Points at screen] So's he. > "Who?" Darkwing asked. > "A group of fleshling schoolgirls in scanty outfits with > superpowers" Soundwave replied, flatly. > "Any reason?" Smokescreen asked. > "Because the Author of the fic doesn't like them" Megatron > replied. Tsuneo: At least he's honest. > "Fair enough" Smokescreen replied. Janice: Not really, no. I mean, if he'd said "Because they're the only force that can stand up to us in this dimension," fine and dandy. But not just "Because the author doesn't like them." > "So how do you propose to find them?" Starscream asked. "Surely > you don't intend to rely on anti-fic logic that much to just find a > small group of fleshlings in a city of millions of them" Dan: Why not? Every other anti-fic author does. > "Of course not, Starscream." He replied, grinning. "I hired a > local expert to help us out." Janice: Oh, this should be a laugh. > At that point, a huge shimmering blue portal appeared in the > air. A robotic dragon flew out, and transformed into robot mode. "I > have arrived as ordered, Lord Megatron" Tsuneo: [Suddenly excited] Is that... Is that who I think that is? > "Excellent." He replied. He turned to the other Decepticons. > "I would like you all to meet Dethasaurus, Tsuneo: Woo-hoo! Deathasaurus is here, and he's gonna kick butt! Dan: Never heard of him. Tsuneo: Oh, he was the Destron leader in Victory. He once blew up a city just to demonstrate a threat. Dan: Huh? Janice: For Destron, read Japanese Decepticon, and Victory was one of the Japanese Transformers shows. One of the good ones, I mean. > commander in chief of the > Destron Energy Collection Army on Earth in the year 2025, and leader > of the Breastforce team." > At that point, Darkwing, Smokescreen and Starscream burst out > laughing. "Maybe it looses something in the translation" Megatron > pondered. [Dan & Janice burst out laughing] Tsuneo: Aah... That's not a literal translation! Dan: Sure it wasn't! Tsuneo: It's bad Japanglish! Janice: Yeah... of *course* it is! Tsuneo: "Waldo shaking?" [They both suddenly stop laughing.] Dan: I'll be good. > Deathasaurus swore something unprintable in Japanese. Dan: Huh? What'd he just say? Tsuneo: You don't want to know. > "Now that you're all finished" Megatron said loudly. The laughter > immediately stopped. Janice: I haven't seen villains acting this dumb since... Well, since last time I was over here. > "Deathasurus will tell us how to find these girls. > "It is simple, my lord" He replied. "We cause some trouble, and > they will come running. They always do." Dan: You know, it's kind of their job and all. > "Some trouble..." He pondered. "Darkwing. How good is your air-to- > ground gunnery?" > "Pretty good, sir" Darkwing replied. Janice: You'd hope so, considering what he turns into... > "Excellent. Take out that apartment block over there." > ***** > "So Alex, what do you want to do today?" Michelle asked. > "I don't know. How about you?" Alex replied. Dan: AAAHHH! It's "The Evil Guy From Another Dimension" all over again! Janice: HORTENSE! Dan: Make it stop! > "I don't-" Michelle replied, but was cut off when their apartment > exploded. Tsuneo: Well, that's one way... > ***** > Megatron surveyed the damage. "Excellent. They'll come running > straight for us... and straight to their dooms!" Janice: Insert stock villain laughter and dialogue here. > ***** > In a completely different outskirt of Tokyo, another portal > opened up in mid air. Eight robots, seven detached arms, two > motorcycle wheels and a pair of wings fell out, then the portal > closed up. Janice: Oh, no. Please don't let it be them. > These eight had no connection to the previous bunch. > Whereas the previous bunch were Decepticon Transformers, Tsuneo: And a Destron. Dan: What's the difference? Tsuneo: I think it's an important clarification. Dan: That's really nit-picking. Tsuneo: Scouts. Senshi. Dan: ... > these were worse. Far Worse. > They were Renegade Gobots. Dan: [Groans] Janice: Not them *again!* Tsuneo: Do I... Dan & Janice: NO! > And they were rock stupid. > "A perfect landing, If I do say so myself" Tsuneo: Apart from, you know, that whole falling to pieces bit. > their leader as > he got up. "But weren't Loco, Dozer and Dumper meant to be > coming with us?" Janice: Sorry, they're Guardians this episode. > "They all had to go off and do bit parts as Guardians" Janice: Ah... Damn! > replied > Fitor, his chief lackey, who had lost both is arms and his wings in > the transport. Janice: Actually, he sometimes comes out of the packet like that. > "No loss" Cy-Kill said as put his wheels back on his shoulders. Dan: Just nameless disposables. Plenty of them to go around. > "Now to conquer this dimension" > "Can't we get our arms back first, sir?" Fitor interjected. All: Wah, wah, waaah. > "Oh, all right" Cy-Kill replied. > "Thanks". He, Coptur, Screwhead, Tank and Jeeper Creeper went > around collecting and re-attaching their various detached limbs > while Cy-Kill, Crasher and Dr Von Goab looked on. (Having lost none > of theirs) Janice: And to choose a totally random selection of Renegades. Dan: Or Guardians, depending on which day it is. > "Kommandant Cy-Kill" von Goab spoke up in an atrocious mock- > German Accent. "Ve must not forget ze Zailor Zcouts. It is vital > for ze mission that ve deztroy zem" Dan: Why? Tsuneo: Because the author doesn't like them, remember? Dan: And doesn't he mean Senshi? This is supposedly the Japanese version. Tsuneo: Internal continuity's way overrated anyway. > "I know." Cy-Kill replied. "I'm just trying to figure out a way > to track them down in a city this big" Dan: Hitoshi Doi's web page? > Cy-Kill stood and pondered for some minutes as the others fought > over whose arm was whose. Tank had four so far and was pretty sure > that one of them had to be his, and he was dammed if he was going to > give them up before he got it right. > A small ice age went past. [They all sit in dead silence.] Tsuneo: I'm laughing. Really. Janice: So I suppose we're going to have to over-do that "Go-Bots are stupid" bit to death again. Dan: It wouldn't surprise me. > "Oh I give up!" Cy-Kill called out loud. "Let's just go into > town and smash things up until they come running to us!" And with > that he transformed Janice: I would barely call it that. > (OK, so he kneeled down and moved his wheels) into a very bad > looking motorbike with his face on the front. Tsuneo: Is it just me, or is he beating us to it? > "Ha ha ha ha!" Crasher laughed. "A brilliant plan, lord Cy- > Kill. True subtlety and elegance" Dan: [Crasher] And other big words I don't understand the meanings of. > She transformed into a black and red Porsche racer. Janice: But looked better in her original blue and white. > "Uh yeah. What she said" Coptur said as he transformed into a > huge plastic toy helicopter with his face in the underside of the > nose. Tsuneo: What an effective disguise that must be. Janice: Well, given that he doesn't shrink either... > "Don't leave your lackeys behind!" Dan: Why not? No-one cares about you anyway. > Fitor called out as he > transformed into a red plastic toy jet. Behind him, Von Goab turned > into a black Porsche 928, Jeeper Creeper into a green jeep, > Screwhead into a black drill tank and Tank into something that > looked like a blue box with treads and guns, but is supposedly a > tank. Tsuneo: Hence his name. Duh. Dan: No, we're *not* doing that sketch again. > "Let's go!" Cy-Kill yelled out as the group moved off into town. > ***** > "So Hakura, what do you want to do today?" Michuru asked. > "I don't know. How about you?" Hakura replied. Dan: And I don't even know who Hakura is. Janice: I think he means... Dan: Yeah, I know that! > "I don't know" she replied. "And why are we re-hashing that > skit?" Tsuneo: Yeah, that's what I want to know. > "I'm not sure. But it could have something to do with the guy > in our bathroom who is worshipping the toilet." Dan: Oh, that's just Jupiter Knight. He's harmless. > At that point the phone ruined this completely pointless scene [They all cheer wildly.] Janice: I'd congratulate the author for breaking up these moronic scenes if he wasn't responsible for them in the first place. > by ringing. Hakura picked it up. "Hello? What? Again. Yes, I > understand. Yes, I'm sure. Yes. Tsuneo: [Haruka] No, I'm not giving you a chance to say anything. > No, I'm sure the swelling will go down after a while. Dan: [Haruka] No, I am just saying random phrases for no good reason. > Yes, I do agree that that Mankind was robbed. Janice: [Haruka] No, I don't know why I was watching the American wrestling either. > Thankyou. Goodbye" She hung up. > "Who was that?" Michuru asked. > "Usagi" she replied. "Apparently the fic started half an hour > ago and we're late." Janice: [Michuru] Well, it's not like we're missing much. Dan: Actually, it only seems like half an hour. > "Not another one" Michuru sighed. > "Look on the bright side" Hakura replied. "We have something > to do today" Tsuneo: Give me one reason why that's a good thing. > ***** > Meanwhile in another another part of town... > Five schoolgirls, one pink haired mut- er child, Dan: Roll up, roll up! It's time for another generic Chibi-Usa bashing session! Get your tickets here! Absolutely identical to every other Chibi-Usa bashing session you've ever seen before! Janice: And there are plenty to go around. > and two cats > were also out for the day. Yes, that's right. The DiCised Sailor > Scouts - Serena, Raye, Amy, Lita, Mina, Reeny, Luna and Artemis. All: Huh? Dan: Hang on, didn't he just feature the *Senshi?* Janice: Are we meant to believe the two different versions are co- existing in the same universe? Tsuneo: Anti-fic logic. It doesn't make sense because that would require thinking. > "Say Artemis?" Serena asked. "Were we all English back in the > old days?' > "No" Artemis answered. Dan: Oh, boy. For starters, even though the series is in English, it's still set in Japan, so they're presumably just anglicising words that would *theoretically* be spoken in Japanese. Secondly, they have made contact with the Moon Kingdom of old with no language difficulties, so the answer would be yes. > "So why does Luna sound like a British matron?" She replied. Tsuneo: Because the voice caster's an idiot. Next? > "Shut up, meatball head!" Raye snapped. Dan: Any reason? Janice: The author thinks they behave like this. > "Ray-eee!" She whined. "You-re sooooo mee-eeen!" > "Would you two be quiet" Amy interjected. "I have to study for > my test!" Tsuneo: While they're walking down a street? Dan: Besides, she'd be trying to break them up, not complaining. > "Yeah!" Lita called out loudly. "Let's go get something to eat! > I'm starving! Anyone want a pie?" Janice: Pie? > "Or we could go chase boys all afternoon!" Mina added. > "Serena's a meatball head! Serena's a meatball head!" Reeny > chanted, just to increase the audience's desire to do her an injury. Dan: Nope. Janice: Nope. Tsuneo: Getting there. > "Insert generic one-dimensional valley girl whine here!" Serena > called out. > "Insert generic one-dimensional bitchy line here!" Raye replied. > "Insert generic one-dimensional nerdy line here." Amy added. > "Insert generic one-dimensional blonde line here!" Mina also > added. > "Insert line you can't think to give to anyone else here!" Lita added > a bit later. > "Insert generic DiC joke here" Luna added, through firmly > clenched teeth. [They all stare blankly at the screen.] Dan: I'm amazed. Just when you think it can't get any dumber... > ***** > Deathasaurus swore something unprintable in Japanese Tsuneo: Oh, my. Dan: Do tell. Tsuneo: Nope. You don't want to know. > as he surveyed the handiwork of him and the Decepticons. Tsuneo: They had successfully destroyed grammar as we know it. > Scattered around the five Decepticons and one Destron were the > corpses of Tuxedo Chris Cadwell, Adam Chris Leigh, General Patterson, > Ankoku, Dave Marts, Sailor Alpha, Oscar (Deathasauraus had taken > particular pleasure in killing him), [They all wave signs reading: Go Deathasaurus!] > Nightman, Captain Universe, Tuxedo Righteous, Tuxedo Shades, Flying > Cape Boy, Soldier Lucifer, Dark Starr, Ranger Saturn, The Great Red > Serpent, Dan: I haven't seen such a heartwarming sight in years. > Maccabees, Carbonite, Halite, Garnitia, Mistan, Hortense, > an array of Neo-Scouts, Warrior Scouts and Knights, a few dozen of > Carbonite's Guards, the S&M sisters and 13,716 Bugbears that the > author had dropped in to see if anyone would get the joke. Dan: Ooh! Ooh! I do! Janice: Me too! Tsuneo: You lost me. > "It's so typical." He said. "If you try to do anything in this city, > a (unprintable Japanese character) Janice: Please? Tsuneo: N-O! > self insertion comes along and tries to stop you" > "And no sign of these Sailor Senshi" Megatron replied. Dan: They got while the getting was good. Janice: Sorry, they've done two short fics while you were so busy wasting time. > "No." Soundwave added. "The first duty of a Self-Insertion is > to do everything for the existing characters to make them appear > worthless." > "Well these guys were pretty useless" Starscream commented as > he kicked the remnants of Ankoku's van mech. "They hardly even put > up a fight" Tsuneo: The second duty of a self-insertion is to be superior to everything else, thus each of them could have destroyed the whole lot of you. The fic's over. Goodbye. Janice: No such luck. > "That's because they came at us at six on one odds" Darkwind > replied. > "Except for Carbonite's guards." Smokescreen stated. "But we had > to hold up huge signs for them so they would fight us" Dan: Yeah, they were about that useless. > "And those 13,716 Bugbears the author threw at us just to see if > anyone go the joke" Darkwind added. Janice: Yeah, and it wasn't funny the first time. > "So what do we do now to find these girls?" Starscream asked. > "I know! I know!" Smokescreen perked up. "We send them a note > saying that if they don't come and meet us something really bad will > happen! And when they do come to met us, we gun them down!" > Everyone stared at him. "What kind of a lame-chassied plan is > that?" Starscream yelled at him. Dan: Ask Nav. > "Sorry" He replied. "I don't know what I was thinking of" > "Yeah! Is that the breast you can do?" Darkwing added, sniggering. > Deathasurus swore another unprintable Japanese character. [Dan & Janice look imploringly at Tsuneo who merely shakes his head.] > "So Deathasaurus, it seems your plan to flush them out failed" > Megatron said, turning to his ally. Janice: Can't imagine why. > "Not quite. There is one last resort." He said, grimly. "But it's > very, very dangerous" Tsuneo: [Deathasaurus] We... Think. Dan: [Megatron] You fool! This is an anti-fic! There can be no intelligence here! > ***** > On their way the Decepticons mowed down Lisa Foster and Issei > Mataloun. They had no real reason to. They just felt like it. Janice: Yes, the author is venting. Deal with it. > ***** > "Generic bitchy line!" Raye called out. > "Generic Valley Girl whine!" Serena replied. > "Generic bitchy line!" Raye called out. > "Generic Valley Girl whine!" Serena replied. Tsuneo: Could someone turn done the volume? That's getting quite annoying. > "They're fighting again." Amy moaned, rolling her eyes. All: We noticed. Dan: This isn't an argument. Janice: Yes it is. Dan: No it's not. Janice: It is. > "They should just get a room" Lita added. Dan: Don't go there. > "You mean that you and Amy should" Mina replied. > "WHAT?!" the two of them called out. > "I direct you to a picture in the Sailor Mercury picture gallery > on Naia Zifu's web page." A pop-up window popped up to illustrate. > "See?" It closed. [They all stare at the screen] Dan: That I did not need. > They both blushed furiously and ummed for a while. > "You know, it's a bit quiet today" Luna commented. Janice: [Luna] Apart from those giant robots blowing up half the city, that is. > "I know what you mean." Artemis replied. "It's almost as if we're > waiting for something to happen" Tsuneo: [Artemis] It's almost as if we're doing a really lame set-up! > "Oscar" Reeny said behind his back. > "Ten feet into the air from a standing start" Mina commented. > "Not bad." Dan: Say, is this thing just going to be a block of references and dumb, repetitive jokes? Janice: What, you hadn't noticed that yet? Dan: I was hoping. > Then, an ear-piercing shriek filled the air. > "Ah. That's what it was" Luna commented, clutching her ears in > pain. > "It must be..." Serena began before being crept up upon by a killer > scene change. Dan: That was left over from Dinobot Meets Xena. > ***** > The Sailor Senshi were also bickering while Hakura and Michuru > continued to debate what they should do today, when they also heard > the ear-piercing shriek. Tsuneo: Man, that shriek could carry for miles. > "There's only one thing that could be" Usagi commented. "Trouble" > "Be careful!" Rei interjected. "I sense anti-fic" Dan: No, it would be "I sense danger." It's just a feeling, not anything specific. > "Anti-fic or not, we have to deal with it!" Usagi cried out. > "Then maybe we can get some pie!" Janice: Pie? > ***** > "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" > The Brooklyn-Accented scream rang out across the city. The five > Decepticons and one Destron looked at the terrified girl before them > who was busy squealing her head off. Tsuneo: Of course. everything comes down to menacing the heroine's best friend. Dan: Actually, you'd be surprised how accurate that is. > "Don't worry" Deathasauraus said through firmly clenched teeth. > "They should be here soon!" And, on a ridiculously well timed cue, > the eight Sailor Senshi of the moment (Moon, Mercury, Mars, Venus, > Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune and... ugh... Chibi-Usa) appeared. Dan: And that would be Chibi-Moon, anyway. > For the sake > of keeping the story moving, they were already in their Transformed > states. Dan: No-one, I repeat, no-one is in Homey mode. > "Thank Primus" Megatron said between firmly clenched teeth. "I > couldn't stand too much more of that." Janice: And we can't stand too much more of this, but no-one seems to care. > "Evil-Doers! Your time is at an end!" Sailor Moon cried out. The > Decepticons (and Destron), as one turned to face her. "I am Sailor > Moon, the champion of Love and Justice. And in the name of the moon, > I will punish you!" (Yeah yeah. Riff me all you like on me using DiC lines. But it's > an Anti-Fic. It's not as if I did any research or anything.) Dan: Damn. He beat me to it. Janice: Again. > "Decepticons Attack!" Megatron yelled out. They all lept into > action, save for Smokescreen who blew Molly/Naru away, Tsuneo: Make up your mind, which one is it? > just to shut > her up. Unwittingly, this action lead to the extinction of the > Negaverse caused by the removal of their primary energy source. But > that's irrelevant right now. Dan: Those *hilarious* asides are beginning to get to me. Too many more, and they may cause a facial expression. > "Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Buzzaw, Laserbeak Eject. Operation: > Bloodbath" Janice: Har, har. Very cute. > Soundwave commanded as his chest compartment opened and five > cassettes flew out. They transformed into two robots (one red and > one blue - but I'm not going to start a war by saying who was who), Dan: Actually they were both purple. Tsuneo: Another "I don't want to know?" Janice: You said it. > a robotic black jaguar and two robotic condors - one gold and the > other orange. Dan: Ratbat? Overkill? Slugfest? Hello? "At last! My moment has come!" Deathasaurus yelled. He popped > on a Final Fantasy 7 soundtrack CD, selected the "One Winged Angel" > track (the final fight against Sephiroth), Tsuneo: That actually kinda suits him. > transformed into his > immense dragon form and flew into the air. "Now prepare for > oblivion!" he called out as he began to charge his ultimate weapon. > ***** > As the five Sailor Scouts (and one pink-haired mutant) charged > towards the source of the high-pitched Brooklyn squeal that was to > them what the Bat signal is to Batman, Janice: Only because they're *heroes,* and rescuing people is what *heroes* do. > they came across a scene of > incredible devastation. Several city blocks were in the process of > being demolished by an eclectic collection of plastic vehicles, Tsuneo: You can say that again. I'd love to know what his selection criteria were. > including a motorcycle, a black sports car, a jeep, a drill-tank > and an oversized blue trouser press with guns. Dan: I win! > The motorcycle drove up to them, and raised it's front, revealing > an ugly yellow and white face. "At last! You're here!" it said. > "And who are you?" Sailor Moon replied. > "I am lord Cy-Kill, the leader of the Renegade Gobots!" Dan: [Cy-Kill] Surely you've heard of me? The greatest warrior of all time, the most powerful Go-Bot that ever was? Janice: [Sailor Moon] No, I've never heard of you. Now what do you want? [Dan and Janice both crack up laughing.] Tsuneo: I *really* don't want to know. > it yelled, and transformed, badly, Tsuneo: Yeah, we established that earlier. > into a huge red, white, blue and silver robot. "And you are history" > "Isn't that Geography?" a blue and white robot with a conical > head said as it walked up next to him. Dan: Just shut up, Coptur. You don't know what you're saying. > "No Coptur, I'm pretty sure it's History" Cy-Kill replied. > "Ahem" Sailor Moon said. "In order to keep the plot moving, All: Too late. > I have to inform you that I am Sailor Moon, the champion of love and > justice and et cetera" (She stopped there because the author was > killing himself with the trite dialogue) Tsuneo: There is a god. > "Ahem mister Author! And I will punish Negaverse trash like you!" > "Um, we're not from the Negaverse!" Cy-Kill cut in. > "Zis is ze DiC version. All ze baddies are from the Negaverse" > Von Goab said as he drove up and transformed into his robot mode. Dan: Only if they're with the original set of villains, which excludes most of the "baddies" in the show. Whoops. > "Ah ha ha ha ha!" Crasher laughed as she transformed. Naga the > Serpent walked past and hit her with a summons for stealing her > obnoxious laugh, Janice: Even though Crasher had it trademarked long before Naga happened. Tsuneo: "Happened?" Janice: There's no other way to describe her. Dan: You're just jealous again. Janice: Yeah... [Sulks.] > and left the scene, Silver Mally for most pointless > guest appearance in hand. "And now it's time for some destruction!" > she finished, apparently unfazed. Dan: Wait 'till Naga gets that countersuit. > The remaining Renegade Gobots transformed into their robot > modes, and collected a few scattred limbs. "What do we do now, > lord Cy-Kill?" Fitor asked. Tsuneo: [Bored] Figure it. > Cy-Kill glared evily at the Scouts. "Eliminate them". The > Eight robots opened fire. Janice: Oh, this should be funny. [Coptur] We've been shooting for ten minutes and we haven't hit anything. [Cy-Kill] Well... Keep shooting! > ***** > "Nothinbg we do against them works!" Sailor Moon whined. She > and the other Saior Senshi had been launching off a variety of > attacks at the Deceptiocns for the last few minutes, but to > seemingly no effect. The smaller ones had doged them, and the > lager ones had either evaded them or no-selled. Dan: Hey, it's Goldbertron! > Plus there was the huge robot Dragon hovering above them. Tsuneo: Um, he should have obliterated them by now. Dan: It doesn't say much for the Decepticons that, despite their best efforts, they haven't managed to even touch the Senshi. > "It's hopeless!" She whined. > "And now fleshling, prepare for oblivion" Megatron said as he > strode forwards. Suddenly, a rose ibedded itself in the ground in > front of him. Dan: Enter Tuxedo Kamen. > "Wow. "That's one sharp rose" Smokescreen said, quietly. Janice: No, it's a really strong throwing arm. > "Who threw that?" Starscream called out. > "Over there!" Soundwave said, pointing towards the roof of a > nearby building. They all turned to face that direction, and saw > none other than the snappily-dressed from of Tuxedo Kamen. All: Gratuitously posing up a storm! > The > Decepticons looked at him, looked at each other, then looked back at > him with unimpressed looks on their face plates. They then pumped all > their weapons into him. Tux boy was vaporised, along with half the > building he was standing on. Dan: Exit Tuxedo Kamen. Janice: And enter yet another gratuitous Pulp Fiction rip-off while you're at it. > But he did have the satisfaction of knowing that he had contributed > as much as he always does in these fics, (ie: Jack sh*t) except for > giving the scouts an opening. Dan: At least he didn't "contribute" as much as in Coming- Janice: Don't say it. > "World Shaking!" Sailor Uranus called in bad Japangalish. Dan: Wow. An accurate reference to the Japanese version. I'm impressed. > The > attack tore at Rumble and Frenzy (who were sill not saying who was > Red and who was Blue) who both leapt out of the way. > "Let's get ready to Rumble!" Rumble called out as Janice: Michael Buffer runs in and hits Rumble for stealing his line. > he transformed > his arms into piledrivers and started pounding the ground. Uranus was > thrown to the ground by the quake, but was mostly unharmed. (Several > nearby buildings were flattened, but since they're not important to > the fic, we don't care) Tsuneo: I love the immense amount of concern for innocent bystanders in this piece. > "Or Frenzy!" Frenzy added as he fired. > A Super-Deformed Tarantulis walked onto the screen. Janice: If it was possible, I'd say the IQ level in this fic just dropped. > "Frenzy's > gun creates sonic waves designed to disable the machinery in other > Transformers." He began. "But against more frail targets, it does > more damage. The effect on a human could be best described as > 'Chunky Salsa'" He cackled insanely as Frenzy proved this point. Dan: Watch how the Decepticons can easily evade any attack but the Senshi are automatically hit by everything. Kinda dumb, huh? > "And now back to your regular antific" Dan: Tarantulus collected his appearance fee and walked off, mumbling something about lousy guest spots. Janice: Yes, but which Tarantulus is it? Cute, fuzzy original Tarantulus or big nasty Transmetal Tarantulus? Tsuneo: Cute? Dan: Fuzzy? Janice: Yeah! I always wanted a plushie Tarantulus. Dan: Oh-kay. > "One down" Megatron said to himself. He turned and saw Buzzsaw, > Laserbeak and Ravage descend on Sailor Neptune. "Make that two" Tsuneo: Which, being a superhero and all, she is completely incapable of defending herself from. "Someone better get a mop for that" Smokescreen added. "Aaaak!" > He added after the fact as one of Venus's crescent lasers narrowly > missed him. Dan: Watch how superheroes who can hit a monster's ankle from across a park can't touch a giant robot at a few meters. > "What's the matter, having problems with the fleshling?" Darkwind > asked him. "Here's how you deal with them. He turned towards Sailor > Jupiter and unloaded his Huge Scary Shoulder Missile launcher of Doom > (TM) into her. Janice: Darkwind, wrong one. > "Messy" Smokescreen said, looking at the end result. "But > effective." Tsuneo: Kind of a waste of ammo, though. > "Three" Megatron added quietly. > "This also works" said Starscream as he dived to avoid another > volley of fireballs from Sailor Mars. He regained his footing, and > looked at her slyly. "Cucumber?" he said to her, and pulled a large, > frozen example out from his sub-space pocket. All: O_o Dan: [Queasy] Did he have to go there? Janice: Well, it does explain why they're all so useless... > "Oooh!" Mars said, drooling as she walked towards him, eye fixed > on the cucumber. Janice: This has suddenly gotten really, really tasteless. Tsuneo: Do I... Dan & Janice: NO! > "Stupid" Starscream replied, and gave her both barrels at point- > blank range. Janice: Of course, since they're null rays, they didn't really effect her. > "Four" Megatron said to himself, grinning all the while. Tsuneo: Say, is he going to actually do anything or juist stand there and keep score? > "I thought we'd agreed that we would not go there" Soundwave > interjected. > "Oh yeah. Sorry" Starscream replied. Dan: That's a lump on the head for you. > Smokescreen turned to the two of them. "There was something on > my mind, but I can't seem to remember what it was now" A couple of > laser beams shot past. "Oh yeah!" He turned and pointed both his > guns at Sailor Venus, said "Got any last words, De Milo?" and blew > her away. Janice: [Deadpan] Oh. Sailor Venus "De Milo." Har har. My sides are bursting with laughter. > "Five" > Soundwave turned to face Sailor Mercury. "Shining Aqua Illusion!" Dan: GASP! He did it again! > She called out, generating a thick fog concealing herself from his > view. Dan: ...Never mind, wrong attack. > An inexplicably popular talent-free Swedish band suddenly > appeared out of nowhere. The cassets took an instant disliking to them > and descended upon them with murderous intent. [They all cheer wildly and wave signs reading: Ravage 3:16; Go Frenzy; Rumble Kicks Ass.] > "Futile" he replied, activating his vast array of sensors. "Target > located. Preparing for termination" > SD Tarantulus walked in again. "Sailor Mercury is a small target > and concealed, thus she is still a difficult target, even after > Soundwave has located her". He began Dan: Never mind that all these robots are large targets and the scouts are very good shots with their attacks, but as long as we can have our pointless little comedic interlude, that's fine. > "It is, however a little known > fact that Soundwave has very, very high firepower and skill attributes. > Something that is frequently overlooked." He paused, then laughed at > the sound of Soundwave's weapons in action. "A point that she > certainly got!" A trapdoor materialised underneath him, sending him > falling off the screen. [They all cheer wildly.] > "Target terminated" Soundwave said, as deadpan as ever. Tsuneo: That's like saying "Rei said flatly." > A huge feathered serpent ran in from off-screen and hugged him. He > responded with a thorough WA-TAKing that sent her flying through > several buildings. Dan: Umm... Damn, even I don't get that. Janice: [Bored] Hideously stroppy Transformers SI. Believes Soundwave is a sensitive new age guy, Megatron is just misunderstood and the Autobots are evil. Tsuneo: [To Dan] And you thought you had problems. Dan: Ha, ha. > "Did I mention his strength attribute?" a disembodied voice that > sounded suspiciously like Tarantulus at the bottom of a deep hole > added from off-screen. Janice: Even I think this one's overdone by now. > "Six" Megatron finally got round to saying. He assessed the > situation. Only Chibi-Usa and Sailor moon remained. He instantly > recognised the more dangerous of the two. He ran forwards, bringing > his foot down on Chibi-Usa. And then ground it a little into the > pavement. Dan: Yeah, wow, that was difficult. > He then turned to face Sailor Moon. "Any last words > before oblivion?" he asked > "Um..." > "Times up!" he transformed into his tank mode and fired his main > cannon at her. Tsuneo: First one to say "Lightwave Cannon" dies. Dan: Huh? Tsuneo: Never mind. > He reverted to his robot mode and stomped down, hard, on the > remains. After he lifted his foot, all that was left was a greasy > smear. "Mission accomplished" Janice: And I bet you're all so proud. > "You lived like a warrior ans died to an hero." Smokescreen > said to the greasy smear. Dan: Umm... Tsuneo: Ahh... Janice: MG-Dinobot. Dan: [Clutches head] Aack! Not that! Is nothing sacred? > "What?" Darkwing said. "What did you just say?" > "I said she lived like a warrior and died as a hero" Smokescreen > replied. Dan: Once it had been run through the Bablefish, that is. > "Na-ah" Starscream added. "You said that she 'lived like a > warrior ans died to an hero.' I heard you." Janice: We got it the first time. Does he really need to repeat himself? Tsuneo: Nope. Probably just thinks the audience is as thick as he is. > "Whatever" Smokescreen added. "I'm off to get a pie and some > coffee." He walked off. Tsuneo: So, um, what's this about pies? Dan: Maybe it's like Lisa and her hamburger fetish. > "And now taste my ultimate weapon!" Deathasaurus called out, > his wings fully charged. Tsuneo: Like hell it would take that long. > "Hey Deathasaurus!" Megatron called out. "They've gone now" > Deathasaurus said something unprintable in Japanese, transformed > and landed. "I apologise that my super weapon took so long to > charge" he said to Megatron. Tsuneo: [Deathasaurus] Say, why am I answering to a puny little average 8 like you? I'm seven 10s and a 9! > "Bit of a boob up there, Death" Starscream added. > Deathasaurus swore something very unprintable in Japanese. Tsuneo: And promptly annihilated Starscream for being a twerp. > "No need." Megatron answered to Deathasaurus. "But if you swear > another kanji I will personally execute you" Janice: And if he uses that joke again, I'm gonna hurt someone. > "Lord Megatron" Soundwave interjected. "Our mission may not yet > be over" > "Why Soundwave?" Megatron asked. > "I have detected vast quantities of stupidity in the area" Dan: [Soundwave] Coming from a keyboard. > "This could only mean one thing.... Yessss..... Oh sorry. Wrong > script" > "Quick! Cut to a scene change before anyone notices" > Starscream hissed as they cut to a scene change. All: Too late. > ***** > The Renegades ceased firing after five minutes and surveyed > their handiwork. The five scouts (and one Mutant) looked around > at the devastation while noting the fact that they were all > unharmed, despite the near continuous (save for occasional pauses > to re-attach limbs that had dropped off) fire. [They all stare at the screen.] Dan: Okay, Janice, how'd you manage that? Janice: Well, it's how I'd riff the Go-bots. > "We missed" Fitor said. > "Again" Jeeper added. > "This happens a lot" Screwhead contributed. Dan: For the first time in his pitiful existence. > "So what now boss?" Coptur added, sulking because he didn't > have any blasters any more (he lost them in a game of cards to > Zero in episode 2 and had been forced to rely on his rotor ever > since) thus had missed out on opening fire. Janice: Actually- Dan & Tsuneo: We don't want to know. Janice: ... > "Keep firing!" Cy-kill commanded. The Renegades opened fire, > save for Coptur who waved his rotor blades around a bit. Once > again, they failed to hit a thing. Janice: And Coptur once again forgot that he can launch them. Dan: Man, he's even mucking up the Go-Bots. > "This isn't working" Tank observed. > "Ve must find a new ztrategy" Von Goab added. > "Hmmm..." Cy-Kill pondered. Janice: [Cy-Kill] Keep firing! Dan: [Von Goab] But ve did zat already. Janice: [Cy-Kill] Oh, alright. Just keep firing instead. Tsuneo: No, we're not riffing. We're predicting. > "Excuse me!" Sailor Moon called out. "But in cas you had > forgotten you do have enemies here! We are the Sailor Scouts, > the champions of love and justice and we can't abide by nega- > trash like you! In the name of the Moon we shall punish you!" Janice: I'm amazed that she got through the speech without any dumb interruptions. > "And sell cookies* door to door!" Mina added. "And tie knots, > and go on jamborees and do bob-a-jobs and wear woggles and...." Tsuneo: I think she missed the point. Dan: I think that's particularly inappropriate, given she's got more Scout experience than the rest of them. > "Umm.... Should someone explain it to her?" Lita asked Amy. > "No. It'd only burst her brain" Amy replied. Dan: Funny, I was thinking the same thing about someone else... > "And what's with the Asterisk?" Raye added, feeling a bit > pecky for a large green vegetable for no apparent reason. Tsuneo: I thought we agreed not to go there. > "Um... In the original Japanese version they were Sushi Rolls" [They all laugh weakly.] > Amy replied. "And I thought we agreed not to go there" she added. Tsuneo: See? > "Sorry." > "You know, that would explain why I got up on the table, > stripped naked and started singing 'Fly Me too the Moon' after > drinking all that 'lemonade' last week" Lita added. Dan: Nice shot. > "I quite enjoyed that" Amy said quietly. > "Who's not going where?" Ray needled. Janice: [Raye] Am I making any sense? I think I've had too much "lemonade." > "How about we get back to the plot before it congeals some > more" All: Too late. > Mina added, having just remembered what planet she was on. Janice: [Lita] Nah, let's not and say we didn't. > At which point the Renegades decided on their new plan. They > opened fire indiscriminately on the Scouts, once again not > hitting a thing. Dan: We did it again. Tsuneo: Great. Now ask me if I give a damn. > "No no no! You've got it all wrong!" said a man who walked > on-screen. He was wearing a black trenchcoat over blue armour, > fingerless gloves, torn jeans, sunglesses, army boots and Tsuneo: Oh... It's... The man. Dan: It's a Generic Anti-Moonie SI. > (although the no-one could see it) a pink lacy bra and panties. Janice: I really didn't need to know that. > "You do it like this!" He pulled out a of huge multi-barrelled > cannons out of seemingly nowhere and opened fire on the scouts, > mowing them all down in a matter of seconds. All: [Bored] Yay. Tsuneo: Just because he couldn't think of any way to end this pointless scene. > A rose landed in > front of him. The turned to see Tuxedo Mask perched on top of a > nearby building, so he mowed him down too. Dan: I would wonder why he bothered including that bit, but I'm beyond caring. > "It's that easy" > "Who are you?" Cy-Kill asked. > "Whoever you are, I like your style!" Crasher added, laughing > maniacally. Janice: Pointing out that Crasher's laughing is like pointing out that Go-Bots are stupid. [Pause] Carry on. > "Amazing" Von Goab said. "Ze human dizplayz incredible > amounts of plot contrivance energy" Tsuneo: [Von Goab] Ozervize, ve vould haff blown him oop on ze zpot! Dan: Pretty much. And Tsuneo? Tsuneo: Yeah? Dan: Never, ever try that voice again. > "That's right, bub" he said, lighting up a cigar. > "Could ya show us how to do that?!" Screwhead asked, eagerly. > "I'd love to hit something for a change!" Janice: You mean like they do routinely in all epsiodes of the cartoon and the movie? > "Me too! Me too!" Jeeper Creeper added. Dan: No, Jeeper just wants a line now and then. > "I think we should let this human join us. He could be a > valuable asset." Cy-Kill said. "Or at least until he has taught > uss all we need to know whereupon we will execute him and the rest > of his race!" he said out loud. Tsuneo: [Cy-Kill] Whoops! Spoke out loud again! > "An excellent plan, Lord Cy-Kill" Fitor replied, polishing > Cy-Kills headlight. > "Cool beans" The guy replied. > "So who are you?' Cy-Kill asked. Dan: [Man] A twit. > "I'm-" he began, but was never able to finish as he was crushed > under the weight of a huge feathered serpent and the debris of > several buildings falling on him. [They all hold up signs reading: 9.6, 8.7 & 9.4.] > ***** > Megatron looked through the ruins of the buildings that > Soundwave had thrown the (unnamed to avoid a.t.t strife) feathered > serpent through at the group of robots on the other side. "Gobots" > he said quietly. Dan: I'd love to know how he recognises them. > "At last! The time has come for the final showdown between our > races!" Cy-Kill replied, turning to face Megatron. Janice: So is this taking place in the Negative Zero universe? > "Your time is over Cy-Kill! You are old technology! Obsolete!" > Megatron yelled back. Dan: Is that "Dinobot's Old Technology?" [Janice hits him repeatedly with a cushion] Ow! Okay, okay, I'm sorry! > "I can never forgive you for what you did to us during the Toy > Wars!" Cy-Kill replied. Tsuneo: What, sell better? Be more popular? Get foreign spin-offs? Have quality on their side? Be more specific. > "Decepticons, Attack!" Megatron commanded. > "At last! My moment has come again!" Deathasaurus yelled. He > popped the Final Fantasy 7 soundtrack CD back in the machine, > selected the "One Winged Angel" track, and once again transformed > into his immense dragon form and flew into the air. "Now prepare > for oblivion!" he called out as he began to charge his ultimate > weapon. Tsuneo: [Rolls eyes] Oh, boy. here we go again. > "Renegades Attack!" Cy-Kill yelled out. The opened fire, > filing to hit a thing. Janice: [Rolls eyes] And again. > "Fire!" Megatron commanded. The Decepticons opened fire, > hitting several of the Gobots. Dan: Ah yes. Watch how hideously unbalanced this fight will be. Janice: It's just "Never Piss Off An ant" all over again. How dull. > "Crush them! Kill them! Destroy > them all! Don't rest until every last one of them has been > extinguished!" Tsuneo: Um, how about something less awkward, like say elminated? Destroyed? Blown up? > "Koomandant Cy-Kill!" Von Goab interjected. "Ve are facing a > zevere firepower dizadvantage!" Dan: [Von Goab] Zey haff zome! Ve are doomed! Tsuneo: You were saying? > "I know that!" he replied. "Bring in Zod!" Dan: [Pokedex] Zod: a Go-Bot Pokemon. It breathes fire ineffectually and has a highly vulnerable weak spot. Harmless. > "Zod?" Darkwing asked. > "Their ultimate weapon" Soundwave replied. [Dan & Janice break out laughing.] > Another funky portal opened, revelling the massive form of Zod > - an immense robotic blue, wingless, legless dragon that got about > on three wheels. It roared. [Tsuneo joins their laughter.] Tsuneo: What the hell is that? Dan: That's their "ultimate weapon!" Sad, huh? > "Dangerous?" Darkwing asked. > "You wish." Soundwave replied, flat as always. > "Zod, Attack!" Cy-Kill called out. Zod roared, and began to > roll forwards. [They all start humming the haunting "Torgo" theme from "Manos."] > At which point, Smokescreen ran in, a half eaten pie in one hand. Tsuneo: This pie thing is getting rather disturbing. > He did a baseball slide between Zod's front wheel and belly, > pressing Zod's off switch as he went. Zod stopped dead in its > tracks. > "Poopie" Cy-Kill swore. "They always pick on that one weakness" Tsuneo: So let me get this straight: It's got a convenient, vulnerable off-switch on it's belly? Janice: Yup. Tsuneo: No wonder everyone picks on it. > "So what do we do now?" Coptur asked, unable to think of a > plan himself. Dan: I'm so glad that Coptur's been portrayed so accurately. [Tsuneo stares at Dan in disbelief. Dan solemnly nods his head.] > "Keep firing!" The Rengades all opened fire (save for Coptur, > of course). Starscream yawned, Darwing played with a yo-yo, > Megatron checked his schedule, Soundwave beat off a few more > screaming females and Smokescreen went back to his pie. Dan: And three people sat bored on a couch, annoyed by the re-used, unfunny jokes. > "Er... Boss...." Tank interjected. "I don't think this is working" Janice: Of course it's not working you twit. Try aiming next time. Dan: [Coptur] We are aiming. Tsuneo: What if they tried firing at something else? Their aim's so lousy, they're sure to hit the Decepticons. > "Right then... Renegades! Transform!" Cy-Kill commanded. > "Why?" Jeeper butted in. Dan: Because... Tsuneo: Um... Janice: So Coptur can actually have some weapons? > "Because.... Because it's what we always do!" Cy-Kill snapped. > "I got no problems with dat" Tank said as he transformed into > his plastic box on treads with big guns mode. Dan: I got it! They're going to make the Decepticons laugh to death. > "Yeah!" Screwhead added, transforming into his drilltank mode. > "Hey... what do I do now? he added." Tsuneo: Wait for BW2 Galvatron to show you what a *real* drill-tank is like? > "Die?" Bludgeon interjected as he ran in, sliced Screwhead in > half and ran out again. Several of the Decepticons applauded. Tsuneo: Naga should give up her Mally. > "Ve muzt do zomezing about zeeze Dezepticonz!" Von Goab yelled, > stating the obvious for the millionth time. Janice: Really? I would never have guessed. > "Allow me!" Smokescreen replied. He finished off his pie, ran > in, grabbed Von Goab's monocle and waved it around, tauntingly. > "Want this?" Janice: You fiend! > "Aaak! Nein! I am blind!" Von Goab yelled out, clutching the > place where his monocle used to be. > "Question: Why does a Robot need a monocle?" Smokescreen asked > Soundwave. Tsuneo: Uh... That is a good one? And how can Smokescreen eat pie, anyway? He's got no mouth. Dan: Why'd you only now think of that one? Tsuneo: My brain's just kicked back into gear. > "No idea" Soundwave replied. > "OK." Smokescreen replied and blew Von Goab away. Janice: Yeah, that was hard. > Tank, having just remembered that his cue was up, opened fire > on Megatron. He missed (of course). Strand still, dammit!" He > yelled at Megatron, who was standing still. Dan: Of course, Tank's problem was that he'd had too much "lemonade" before the fic started. > "How can I open up a > can of whup-ass on you if yer keep on moving?!" Tsuneo: Question: were Go-Bots really this pathetic? Janice: No, they just seemed like it. Dan: Here's another one. Why is Tank talking like Steve Austin? [Janice shrugs.] > "Strange... he sounds familiar" Megatron commented. > "Voiced by Peter Cullen" Soundwave replied. "The same voice > as Optimus Prime." Dan: And there goes the fourth wall. [Pause] Again. It's been nice knowing you. > "And who says Anti-Fics don't teach you anything?" Smokescreen > interjected. Janice: Us. > "Amusing" Megatron commented and transformed into his tank > mode. He fired his main cannon, blowing Tank to pieces. "Now > that's a real tank" he commented as he reverted to his robot mode. Tsuneo: No, that's an advertising slogan for the M-1 Abrams. You can see it, can't you? > "To the skies, you two!" Cy-Kill commanded. Coptur and Fitor > converted to their vehicle modes ant took to the air. Janice: Or would have, if Fitor's wings hadn't fallen off and Coptur hadn't lost his rotor blades. > "Heh heh heh. I like this mode" Coptur grunted. "I got guns > in this mode" He opened fire on the Decepticons, failing to hit a > thing. Tsuneo: How many times is he going to re-use this "Go-Bots are hopeless shots bit?" Dan: How many times are they going to open fire? Tsuneo: Point. > "No I realise why Cy-Kill won't let you have a gun" Fitor > added, as he opened fire. > "Starscrem! Take them out!" Megatron commanded. Janice: Notice how he didn't point out that Fitor didn't hit a thing. And you know why? Because he didn't need to. Dan: Hey, go easy on Fitor. Combat's just not his thing. You know he's really an *espionage* specialist. [Dan and Janice crack up laughing.] Tsuneo: Nope. > "With pleasure!" Starscrem replied, transforming into his jet > mode and opened fire on the two of them. Coptur was hit in the > rotor and crashed to the ground, reverting to his robot mode. Fitor > managed to dodge, but pulled his wings off with the high Gs. Dan: Thus proving Fitor's with the RAAF. Thank you. > As he spiralled downwards, Starscream finished him off. > "Too easy" He yelled. "It's no challenge for me!" > Rumble and Frenzy (RiRFiB or FiRRiB?) leapt out from Soundwave's > chest and transformed. Tsuneo: Even though they were already out. > "Ladies and Gnetlemen, children of all ages" Dan: You forgot "boys and girls." > Rumble began. "Soundwave's chest is proud to present the Decepticon > Empire's earth-shaking champions of the wooooooorld!" Dan: [Rumble] The new age morons! > "Yeah!" Frenzy added. > "Let's rooooock!" Rumble continued, transforming his arms into > piledrivers and shaking the ground around Jeeper Creeper. Janice: Not actually doing much, but it's the thought that counts. > "Hey I can do that too!" Jeeper replied. He strained, and both > his arms popped out of their sockets. Tsuneo: I think Jeeper's missed the point here. > "Cool trick" Frenzy commented. "So when do the piledrivers pop > out?" > "Umm... I just meant that I could remove my arms" Dan: I'm having a hard time deciding which of these Go-bots is the dumbest. Besides Coptur, that is. > "Sad" Rumble commented. "Let's get him!" The cassettes all leapt > on Jeeper, tearing him apart. Ravage took particular delight in > shredding the upholstery on his seats. Janice: Bad kitty! Bad! No secret missions of universe-shattering importance for you! > "Now you're in for it!" Crasher yelled, and laughed. She stomped > the ground, sending out a bolt of electricity towards the > Decepticons. They all leapt out of the way of the blast (Something > the Guardians never thought of). Janice: Hate to burst your bubble, but they did. They were dumb, just not that dumb. > "My turn!" Darkwing yelled out, firing his missile launcher at > her and blowing her to pieces. Numerous people who were traumatised > by her laugh when they were kids applauded his action. [Janice stands and applauds.] Dan: Sit down, you're embarrassing us. > "I guess that leaves Coptur for you" Starscream said to Soundwave. Tsuneo: Looks like Soundwave got the wooden spoon again. > Gee thanks, he thought. Just leave me with a target that doesn't > give me the opportunity to prove how good I am. Coptur leapt to his > feet, and charged at Soundwave, his rotor spinning. Soundwave opened > fire, destroying him instantly. See? Janice: Took your sweet time. > "That leaves only one" Megatron said, Dan: [Megatron] There can be only one! Janice: Something the producers of Highlander 2 and 3 should have thought of. > turning to face Cy-Kill. "I > give you a choice. You can live as our captive and do the talk show > circuit and get a great job in the zoo, Janice: What, and give up his dignity? Oh, wait, this is Cy-Kill. Hr doesn't have any dignity. > or be destroyed right here and right now" > "I'd sooner die than accept either of your alternatives" Cy-Kill > replied defiantly. > The Deceptiocns all turned and looked at each other, shrugged and > opened fire. Dan: And they do the Pulp Fiction thing AGAIN! > "Well that was pointless" Starscream commented, kicking around > Jeeper's severed head. Tsuneo: Amazing. The fic's characters just summed it up for us. > "Ya shouldn't have blown Cy-Kill up, boss!" Frenzy added. "Me an' > rumble was gonna turn his head into a salad bowl." > "Well why not use Jeeper's?" Megatron replied. > "Wrong shape." Dan: Thanks for that. It's really enriched my life. > "Who want's to go off and get some pie?" Smokescreen asked. > "I like pie!" Starscrem replied. > "Yeah! Me too!" Darkwing added. All: O_o Janice: I may be traumatised for life. > "Hey DS!" Starscrem yelled up at Deathasaurus. "You can come on > down now! They're all dead" > Deathasaurus transformed and landed. "It appears that my > superweapon once again took too long to charge." He stated, flatly. > "I do apologise" Tsuneo: [Deathasaurus, muttering] Lousy crummy American character, what does he know? > "Yeah. Tits all over now" Darkwing commented, chortling to himself. > "Nipple." Smokescreen added. "Ooh what a giveaway. Tsuneo: That's it. Deathasaurus, kill 'em all. > Deathasaurus muttered a single unprintable Japanese character under > his breath. Dan: Okay, what did he say then. Tsuneo: You don't want to know. Dan: No, really, what did he say? Tsuneo: You *really* don't want to know. Janice: Come on, you can tell me. Tsuneo: [Sighs] All right. [Tsuneo leans over and briefly whispers in Janice's ear. She immediately turns pale and keels over, falling off the couch.] Tsuneo: Told you. > "WHAT WAS THAT?!" Megatron yelled. > "Ulp" > ***** > Sailor Pluto lurked on top of the building, looking at the devastation. Janice: Eternally grateful she'd insisted on that "no anti-fics" clause in her contract. > She sighed to herself as she saw Megatron chasing > Deathasaurus off into the distance, Tsuneo: Then watched him get on his knees and grovel before him. > occasionally blasting him with > his cannon. She pulled out her pocket organiser. "Things to do. 1) > Fix holes in space-time continuum. 2) Change history to cover up > for another pointless antific." She sighed again. Janice: At least this means it'll never have happened. Well, to other people. > "Are you coming, Setsuna?" a male English voice asked from > offside. > "Coming, Doctor" she replied. All: Wah, wah, waaahhh. > ***** > Marooned on a sattelite high above it all with three atomic > monsters and four wrestlers, Janice: What has this got to do with anything? Tsuneo: The author's completely lost it. > Dinobot, the ex-Preadacon, Now Maximal, then > Preadacon again and now a Maximal again but not dead yet warrior viewed > it all impassivley. "Remember. Antifics are bad. Dan: [Dinobot] Don't try this at home, kids. > My Rigid Grill Structure has spoken" > FINE > And now for the Cut Scene. Janice: So this is Antific: the special edition? > Cy-Kill pulled a white and red ball out from seemingly nowhere > (Porobably where his engine goes - ed) Dan: Say... Subspace? That good old Transformers excuse? > and poineted it at the Decepticons. > "Zod! I choose you!" he yelled out. In a flash of light, the immense and > improbable form of Zod apparred before them. "Zooooooooooooooddd!" it > roared. Dan: Guess my pokedex riff wasn't that far off after all. > "Oooh. I'm scared." Starscream replied, deadpan. > DANDY. [A beam of energy lances down through the roof, striking the TV set and utterly annihilating it in an instant.] Deathasaurus: [V/O] It does *not* take that long to charge! [They all sit in silence for a while, glancing at each other. They then simultaneously break up laughing.] Janice: Oh, god... That was terrible! Tsuneo: It was so stupid! Dan: I mean... You get anti-fics that are offensive, but this was just plain goofy! Really, really goofy. Voice: I suppose a serious review would be out of the question? [They pause for a second and glance up at the ceiling. All three of them suddenly break out laughing again.] Voice: Thought not. Janice: Come on, let's go. [They all stand, still occasionally laughing.] Dan: I've gotta go find Nav and have a good laugh at him. [The screen goes blank.] Janice: Don't even joke about that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas (rickr@one.net.au) Dan, Tsuneo, & Janice are copyright 1995-1999 Max Fauth (Jinas) Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Who want's to go off and get some pie?" Smokescreen asked. > "I like pie!" Starscrem replied. > "Yeah! Me too!" Darkwing added.