Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 117 brings us to new territory as we look at a Cowboy Bebop fanfic. It's set after the end of the show, and there's a big hunk of floating property flying overhead.... Cowboy Bebop is copyright Sunrise Back from the Abyss and Bar Time Blues are copyright The Demonic Tabi-Chan ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - the ruins of a well furnished apartment, with two tattered couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where that have been torn off their hinges, blood and gore splattered across the walls, and a small ransacked kitchenette. An upturned coffee table lies in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well- equipped PC with a chainsaw imbedded in the monitor sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting precariously on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a huge hole in the wall behind the TV] [Rebecca is sitting on a couch, reading a copy of Sam and Max. Dan and Tsuneo enter] Dan: Actually, I was thinking that... Whoah! Tsuneo: What? [He looks around] What the hell happened here? Rebecca: Oh, hi there, guys. [Rick enters] Rick: Hey there. [He looks around] Oh, wow. Love what you've done with the place. Very post-apocalyptic chic. Dan: The, uh, chainsaw's a nice touch. Tsuneo: Rebecca, what did you do to this place? Rebecca: Me? Sweet little old me? Dan: That doesn't even deserve an answer. Tsuneo: We know what you're like Rebecca. Fess up, you trashed the place just to piss off the voice. Rick: Actually, I kind of like the idea. [They all glare at him] What? Rebecca: Calm down, guys. There's a perfectly rational explanation for this. Tsuneo: I'm listening. Rebecca: Well, the voice signed a deal with a couple of friends of his from the Mads' club, who rented the place out for an experiment. Dan: Uh-huh. Tsuneo: So? That still doesn't explain all this. Rebecca: I'm not finished. Then a half dozen loons, as well as Lynxara came over here. Rick: What was your part in all this? Rebecca: Hey, I was here too. Tsuneo: I see. Go on. Dan: So, what happened? Rebecca: Well, the loons, Lynxie and I watched a torture fic, and we kind of lost it. Dan [Aside]: I thought she lost it long ago. Rick [Aside]: Watch it, she's got a chainsaw. Tsuneo: Well it can't have been that bad. [Pause] Can it? Rebecca: It was. Tsuneo: Well, uh, what was it. Rebecca: We read a chapter of Undocumented Features. [Long pause] Tsuneo: Well that explains it all. Rebecca: Yeah. Dan: Was it really that bad? [Rebecca glares at him] I guess it was. Rick: Wow. So what did you guys do to this place? Rebecca: They made a massdriver out of household objects and fed it to the TV. Rick: Gruesome. Tsuneo: You know, I wish I'd thought of that back when we were watching DELTA. Rebecca: Oh, Rick? You can tell that guy at work that we burned off a lot of back-stock of Arabella action figures. Rick: Cool. Voice: Goo morni... GAH! Rebecca [Minneweigen]: Oh, hey dere, Largo Largo. Voice: Wha... what... What happened here? Rebecca: You remember Arlieth and Emmy? Voice: Yeah... Rebecca: You remember how they rented the place? Voice: Yeah? Rebecca: Well there you go. Voice: Right. [Pause] I see. Well... Um, yeah. Dan: Since the place is trashed, can we go without today? Voice: No, we've still got a working TV. Dan: Damn it. Rick: So what's the pain for the day, Head? Voice: I've got something different for you guys- Tsuneo: That bodes. Dan: Whenever he tries "something different" there's much hurting. Rick: But it does make a change from his usual type of hurting. Dan: True. Voice: As I was saying, I've got a pair of Cowboy Bebop fics for you. Rebecca: That is different. [They sit, Dan and Rebecca on the forwards-facing couch, Tsuneo and Rick on the other one. Rebecca and Tsuneo are closest on the corners] Voice: For the record, this takes place after "Real Folk Blues". Rebecca: I have a strange sense of foreboding. [The TV switches on] > "Back from the Abyss" > by The Demonic Tabi-Chan Tsuneo: Now there's a name that fills me with dread and foreboding. Rick: But a kind of fluffy, pink dread. Tsuneo: That's the worst kind. > Faye leaned against the gray metal wall, hot tears spilling from her > eyes, down her cheeks, and dripping onto the cold floor with a soft plip > plip. Rick: That's a touching description. Dan: How do you reckon the authour's gonna screw it up? Rick: Hmm... post Real Folk Blues... Got a pretty good idea. > Trying to hold in a sob, she pressed one hand to her mouth, smearing > her lipstick, her eyeshadow, and plastering her dark violet hair to her > cheeks, but she didn't care. Dan: Wow, she looks almost as bad as Jet on a good day. > "Damn, you bastard Spike, damn you! Dan: Damn you Spike and your little dog too! > I hate you I hate you! How could > you do this to us, the ones who love you...?" Rick: Love? Here on the Bebop? Dan: Relatively speaking, of course. Rebecca: She means: "haven't tried to kill you yet." > Jet, sitting on the couch in the Bebop's "living room" of sorts, Dan: Spike's swinging pad. > hung his > head, his own grief choking his throat and threatening to spill in hot > tears from his own eyes. Tsuneo: Jet Black: Sensitive New Age Black Dog. > He couldn't bring himself to speak, let alone > look, to Faye, lest the pain overcome him. Dan: I'd never feel pain looking at Faye. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] I'm just saying, that's all. > Then he would never be able to stop it. > Thank God Ed and Ein aren't here... he thought, then immediately regretted > it. He still missed the little red-haired hacker and the little Welsh Corgie, Rick: Look at what Ein did to your Bonsai before leaving and say that again. > and now Spike... Rick: And Bumblebee, and everyone else on Moonbase two... > He clenched a fist at the thought and fought back another wave of tears that > threatened to fall. Dan: Anyone got a mop? > And it was beacuse of that woman Julia and that damned bastard Viscious... Tsuneo: And the few hundred Mooks that poured rounds into him didn't help things, either. > Suddenly, there was a noise outside the door that led to the entrance hatch > to the Bebop, Tsuneo: A door to door salesman? Out here? Rebecca: It's Willy Lowman. He's really going out of his way to make up the figures. > and Jet and Faye's head jerked up, first staring at each other, > then at the door as it slowly opened. > A figure staggered inside from the dark, his clothes stained dark in many places. Rebecca: Live from the Floating Island, it's Spike Spiegel! Let's all give him a big hand! Rick: Why do I get the feeling that he'll be getting his own lounge on that thing? Tsuneo: No, it's his identical brother Mark with his bullet-ridden trenchcoat. > "Hey," he said in a raspy, hoarse voice, "why are all of the lights down?" Dan: Well it is night time. > He saw the two staring at him in a mixture of disbelief, shock, and joy. "Jet, > Faye, I thought I told you... that I want them left on when I come back..." Rebecca: So let me get this straight... after being shot up, sliced up and blown up by Vicious and his few hundred goons, Spike picked himself up, staggered out of the Syndicate's huge headquarters in front of the remnants of Vicious' men, found his way back to Swordfish, flew several hundred kilometres to where he left the Bebop and walked in while still bleeding profusely? Am I the only one here who finds that a might improbable? [They all raise their hands] > Faye's hand that was pressed to her mouth fell to her side limply, Tsuneo: She just saw the mess he was making bleeding all over the place. > and she felt a rare emotion swell up inside her, Dan: Nausea? Rick: Oh, wait, that's just gas. > her throat becoming painfully tight as > she stared at the figure standing in the dim light at the top of the stairs. Rick: [Mysterious figure] Sorry, I must have got the wrong converted fishing boat. > Jet stared too, and stood up, feeling compltely numb inside. Rebecca: [Faye] So Jet, how does this rate on your "incredible contrivance" scale? > "S... Spi... Sp..." they stuttered, not able to say his name. > He looked a them, then laughed weakly. "What, you guys have forgotten my name so > quickly? It's me, Spike Spiegel." > Faye let out a small scream Rebecca [Cleaning out an ear]: This is why I think Wendy Lee played her better. > and pressed her hands tightly to her mouth, shaking > her head in disbelief. Dan: You think that's bad, you should see what he's doing to the floor. > Jet almost fell down onto the couch, but locked his > shaking knees and stood, the tears finally falling from his eyes. Dan: So much for our favourite tough guy. Since when did Jet become such a wimp? Tsuneo: Since he realised he'd have to return Spike's life insurance pay-out. > "Spike..." the two said at the same time, then Faye burst into sobs and raced > up the stairs and threw herself into Spike's outstretched arms. Rebecca: [Faye] I think I just lost five years of maturity in three seconds. > "I... I thou... I though... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!" Faye wailed, > nearly squeezing what was left of Spike's life out of his body, Tsuneo: That can't be doing him any good. Rebecca: Not in his current state. > and he smiled in joy and little bit of pain Dan: [Spike] Actually, it's a little bit of joy and a lot of pain. Tsuneo: [Spike] Let me tell you, being disembowelled hurts. > at a crying Jet and patted her back. > Jet also had to resist the urge to run over and hug Spike. Oh, what the hell! Tsuneo: We've thrown out continuity and probability already, so why not characterisation as well? > he thought, and he raced up the staris and swept the both of them up into a bear > hug, crying openly. Rebecca: Awww, Jet's just a big softie inside. Dan: Really? Rebecca: Well, no, actually. > "Hey guys, as much as I appreciate your concren for my life, I don't > think it'll do much good if you hug me to death!" Spike laughed, wrapping > his injured arms around both of his friends as best as possible. Dan: He's in a pretty good mood, given what he's just been through. Rick: [Spike] So how was your day? > They immediately loosened their grips, then the three looked at each other, > and Spike laughed, Faye wailed, and Jet smiled. > *** > Ed zoomed around in cyberspace, searching for a specific file, but it > didn't take her long to find it. Dan [Ed]: All your file are belong to Ed! [They all glare at him] What? Rebecca: Dan, never *ever* do that again. > She looked over it, then grinned evilly in the way only Ed can grin, Rick: Taking up half her face, you mean. > and Ein looked up at her, whining. Rick [Ein]: I can tell this is going to hurt. > After altering a few minor details in the file, she janked Tsuneo: Janked? Dan: j4, j4|\||<3|) Tsuneo: Silly me. > off her goggles, > hung them around her neck and gathered up her computer, then jumped up and > ran off, yelling over her shoulder to Ein. "Come on Ein, Ed and you going > on an adventure!" Rebecca: Ed and Ein's amazing adventure? Rick: A twelve year old hacker and a corgi travel through time in a phone box and meet a variety of historical figures. It's a sure fire smash hit! > "Woof woof!" Ein barked, then got up and raced after his hacker mistress > on his short paws, the two of them disappearing into the darkness of night. Dan: Isn't this the opening to Scooby-Doo? > A cry echoed through the air, "We're going HOOOME!" Tsuneo [Computer voice]: Chance of floating island increased to ninety percent. Rebecca [Ed]: Really? > *** > Faye lay in her bed, blanket kicked off to the floor, face relaxed under her > facial mask Rick: I never thought zucchini could look so appealing. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] Rebecca: Isn't that Dan's line anyway? Rick: He can't pronounce zucchini. Dan: It's true. > and snoring so bad that entire forests were falling. Tsuneo: Colourful metaphor. Two points. > Two dark figures, one only a foot or two shorter than Faye, Rebecca: *Only* a foot or two shorter? That's an awful lot, you know. > the other > only a foot or so high, hovered on her bed, the larger one standing > onver her sleeping, sprawled form. Tsuneo: So she's being menaced by Hobbits? > Suddenly, the form grinned insanely, showing a huge, white-toothed > smile, Rebecca: Richard Kiel in a surprise cameo. > and promptly sat down on Faye's stomach, laughing and yelling > like an idiot. Tsuneo: [Faye] This is some alarm clock! > "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Faye screamed, bucking and thrashing, > but not dislodging the yelling form on her stomach. Dan: Yeee-haw! This is better than a mechanical bull any day! Rebecca: For some reason, I want to hurt you for that. Rick: Only if he said "ride." > "Jet, Spike, HEELP!!" Tsuneo: Killer munchkin attack! > "Faye Faye Faye FAAAYEEE!!!" the dark form shrieked in joy, seizing the > woman around the shoulders and giving her a kind of wild hug. Tsuneo: Oh wait, it's only Ed. Dan: I think that's worse than everything we've said so far. Rick: Even Richard Kiel? Dan: Well, almost anything. > The short form barked, and the door slammed open, and Spike turned on > the lights, him, Jet and Faye freezing when they saw Faye's "visitor". Dan: A little grey guy with big eyes? > Ed grinned at them all, and then jumped up off of Faye and did a little > dance in a circle, saying in a spooky voice, "Ed-chan and Ein are baaaAAAck!!!" > Jet and Spike didn't know which was scarier: Having Ed back aboard the > Bebop, or seeing Faye in her nightly facial mask and pajamas. All: The latter. > They screamed. Dan: I wouldn't. Rebecca: Any reason? Dan: Well, I've got a bet going on what Faye wears to bed... [Rebecca WA-TAKs him with a cushion] > "The Beginning" Tsuneo: So... we're basically back before about episode 23 or so. Dan: Seems that way. Tsuneo: Any reason? [Dan shrugs] Rick: Who wants to bet "Big Shot" gets a new season? [They all raise their hands] > Session One- > Bar Time Blues Tsuneo: Dumb question time. How precisely did Ed weasel her way onto a spaceship bound for mars and catch them in exactly the right time and place? Rebecca: With Ed? Any way she wants. > "Where is it?" Faye Valentine muttered to herself as she peered into cupboards, > drawers, and the mini-fridge - all empty - as she searched for her... Dan: Vib- [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] Hey! how did you know what I was going to say? Rebecca: What else would it be? > "All right! WHO TOOK MY CHOCOLATE BAR?!" Dan: Colonel Mustard, in the ballroom, with the dagger. [He picks up three cards] Hmmm... Tsuneo: Well? Dan: Vicious, the Really Big Room and a Sword. Wrong on all three counts. > In the cockpit of the Bebop, Spike and Jet both cringed almost reflexively as > the younger woman's Rebecca: She's seventy-something and she's a *younger* woman? Tsuneo: Well, when compared to elder gods... > demanding shriek of rage rang throughout the interior of the > spaceship, and, quite possibly, the exterior; space. Rick: Funny, I thought that in space, no one could hear you scream. Must have been mistaken. > "You know," Spike said, leaning back in a chair, putting his feet up and folding > his hands behind his head. "I really wish you would let me chuck her out of an > airlock into space and use her for target practice with Swordfish II." Rebecca: Wow... I guess his latest brush with death has left him more than just a bit OOC. [Pause] And alive. > "Hn," Jet grunted, knowing that the younger bounty hunter wasn't serious. > He glanced over, and said, "Get your feet off the console." > Spike shrugged and promptly obliged, standing and stretching to his full 185 cm > height. Dan: I'm a bit over average height! Rick: That doesn't really work. > They both turned when Faye came storming in. > "Well?" she demanded, crossing her arms and tapping her foot. Tsuneo: Don't look at us. We're just the audience. > " 'Well' what? We didn't take anything." Spike said calmly, leaning an elbow > onto the top of the seat he had just been sitting in. > He then peeked over the top of her head, seeing Ed walk by, eating -presumably - > Faye's missing candy bar. Tsuneo: Hey, didn't we see this scene in Mushroom Samba? Rebecca: More or less, yeah. > Then he looked back at Faye, realizing she had been > saying something to him. "Huh?" Dan: Spike's really not on the ball today. Rebecca: Give him a break, he was dead not half an hour ago. > The vein in Faye's forehead throbbed, and she looked ready to take a big-ass > mallet and pound Spike to holy Heaven. Dan: It's more zany comedy antics coming up on Bebop 1/2! > "I said," she said slowly, "Do. You. Have. Any. Clue. At. All?" Rick: You can answer that one in so many ways... > Spike grinned, remembering Ed walk off the corridor, Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, Ed has left the building! > then said as equally as > slowly, "I. Have. No. I. De. A." > Faye looked ready to kill. "Fine! I'm going to go now." She turned and walked off. Dan: Mmm... Nice view [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > Spike raised a hand and smiled cutely. "Buh-bye now!" All: COMEDY! > *** Tsuneo: So can someone explain the point of that scene? Dan: I've got a hunch... > "Hey, Amigo!" Rick: Hmm... I wonder what this could be? > Faye groaned. Spike was watching that "Big Shot" show again. "Turn it > off, Spike! I've got a headache, and I'm hungry. Besides," she twisted > around to look at him. "Wasn't that stupid show canceled?" > Spike twisted around on the couch, looking back at Faye. "Well, apperently, > it's not canceled anymore! Tsuneo: ...And now Big Shot's back too. Rebecca: So, it's basically like before the end of the show, really. > And besides, you're hungry because we have no > food. We have no food because we have no money. Bounties equal money, and > money equals food." Rick: ...So how do they ever eat? > He turned back around. "And if you don't like it, you > can leave the room." > Faye groaned again, but didn't move and didn't protest again. > Ed sat sat with her back to the side of the couch, scratching Ein's belly Tsuneo: Awwww... > and absently watching Punch and Judy talk about the next big bounty on the > TV screen. > Right now, they were flashing a side and front shot of a fairly large bounty, > "Rev Recos", worth... Rick: One quater spon. Dan: One thin thing with lumps on. Tsuneo: Ying Tong Iddle I Po and sixpence. > "27 million woolongs!" Judy cried out in her high, bubbly voice, blonde hair > bouncing Dan: That's not all that's bouncing! [Rebecca WA-TAKs him with a cushion, again] Ow! Rebecca: Keep in mind, Dan, that I have been shown the True light of what to do with people like you. A cushion, even with zipper side leading, is nothing. Dan: Uh-huh? Rebecca: See the spleen on the wall? Dan: Urk! > underneath her cowgirl hat. Faye nearly fell off the steps when she heard the > price of the bounty. > "Rev was last seen on Venus - " Rebecca: Venus also has Floating Islands. Draw your own conclusions. > At that point, Spike shut off the TV, running into the Bebop's cockpit. > "Come on Jet! We're going to Venus!" Dan [Snake]: All right, I'm taking this thing to Mexico! > *** > "Is this the place?" a female voice asked. Tsuneo: That depends. What place do you think it is? > Four figures stood outside a cantina, their features cloaked in the darkness > created by the setting sun. Dan: In fact, it was Luke, Obi-Wan and the two droids. > "I don't see why I couldn't have stayed on the Bebop," a deep voice grumbled. Rick: Can't we just say they're the crew? Tsuneo: What, and ruin the pointless suspense? Rick: Please? > "Aw, come on, Jet! We're just going to get some information, then you can > take Ed and Ein back to the ship and stay there for the rest of the trip." > Jet turned to the thirteen-year-old hacker from Earth holding the dog. She > grinned up at him. Jet sighed. "Oh, all right." Rebecca: Some fates are, indeed, worse than death. > "Ladies first!" Faye said, then pushed Spike out of the way of the door and > bustled in. > The others exchanged glances, shrugged, and followed suit. Dan: I get it now, it's "beat up on Faye" day. Rick: Guess who the authour doesn't like. > The interior of the Green Bird Cantina was empty, save for a young woman > sitting at the piano on the stage, playing a soft, harmonic melody and singing Tsuneo: This is a tough crowd. > words that Spike could almost recognize, but completely eluded his mind's grasp. Rebecca: Could it be *that one song?* Rick: Well, if it was, it would be the sort of ridiculously convenient thing that you would... only get from... a... oh dear. > She didn't seem to notice them even when they were standing right beside the > stage. Dan: Hey, over here, in the front row. Tsuneo: They don't stand out from the crowd. > Spike was about to cough to get her attention when the woman stopped on a note > and turned to look at them. Tsuneo: You guys didn't meet the dress code. Out. Dan: There's a dress code here? Tsuneo: Where do you think the audience is? > "Can I help you?" she asked, looking them over, her > gaze lingering somewhat on Ed and Ein. Rick: What? Anyone would think she'd never seen a thirteen year old hacker genius and her pet Corgi Data Dog before. > "Yeah, we're looking for a Jessica Hemming. Do you happen to know where > she is?" Spike asked, leaning between two of the stage lights set into > the raised platform. Tsuneo: It's called a *stage* in case you didn't know. > The woman - she only looked a couple years younger than Spike - stood > and brushed her black dress pants and folded back the sleeves of her > white button blouse. Dan: Hey, it's the Inane Sylvie. Rebecca: Oh wow, an anachronistic psychokinetic is just what we need right now. > "Depends. Who wants to know?" > She walked off the stairs of the stage to the right, ducking under the > locked bar door to behind the counter and unlocking it. The rest took > seats, and Ed set Ein down. Dan: Put down the Corgi and step away from the car. > "Spike Spiegel," Spike said. Rick: Spike Spiegel, international man of mystery. Rebecca: Never to be confused with Spike Witwicky. Tsuneo: Don't. You'll cause crossovers that way. Rebecca: Too late. I've just got the mental image of Donny Finkelburg as Teddy Bomber. > "Hn," she murmured, sweeping her waist-long brown braid into a bun at > the back of her head. "In that case," Dan: What do you have? Rick: All I've got is this one case of a half-dozen crazed starving weasels. > She spread her hands, and smiled. "How can I be of service to you?" Dan: Fan service? Tsuneo: So who is this Jessica, and why are they after her? Rick: Are you kidding? There was no time for a plot in all those retcons. > Jet was about to speak when a very loud growling came forth. Everyone > looked at Ed, who grinned sheepishly and folded her arms across her stomach. > Jessica smiled. > "Hungry?" she asked, leaning across the counter so she eye-level with the > girl, who nodded. "What can I get for you?" > "Do you have any piyokos?" Ed asked, looking hopeful. Rick: Hang on, let me check. [Pause] No, we're out of Pyokos! > Jessica smiled again and stood, nodding. "How 'bout I get you some." She > reached underneath the counter and pulled out a box, setting it in front > of Ed, who promptly began devouring the contents. Tsuneo: Oh come on, that's too ridiculously convenient for words. She's got a box of obscure Earth produce stashed under her bar in the off-chance that, what, someone drops by with a craving for one? Rick: Actually, she got suckered into buying a box of them a few years back and has been trying to get rid of them since. Dan: Do you think they'd be stale? Rebecca: Would anyone notice if they were? > "Now," the bar owner said, turning to the other adults. Rick: Does Faye count? Tsuneo: Mind says no. Dan: Body says yes! > "What is it that you found me for?" > "We heard that there was some recent activity from a man named Rev Recos > -" Rick: Rev Recos, wanted for having the silliest name this side of Mars. > Jet cut off when he saw Jessica stiffen. > "Your bounty hunters?" she asked, eyeing them. They nodded. Dan: Well, since you know who Spike is, it's a fair guess that they are. Rick: They could be debt collectors or repo men. Dan: This is also true. > "Then," she looked over at Ed, "with such a dangerous profession, why > do you bring a child along with you?" Tsuneo: [Spike] You don't get it. The kid's here to protect *us.* Dan: [Jet] Besides, you try telling Ed she can't come. > "She's helped us more than once on several occasions." Faye said, > finally speaking up. Rebecca: No one will admit to it. > " - and we we wanted to know if you knew anything. We've heard that > you help bounty hunters." Spike finished Jet's sentence, getting a tad > bit impatient. Tsuneo: Come on, the fanfic's congealing here. Dan: We're already in the second half of the episode. > Jessica looked him over, then scanned the bar. She beckoned the three > closer with one hand with the other slipped unnoticed, save for Spike, Jet, > and Faye, under the counter. Tsuneo: So... it was unnoticed by everyone except almost everyone? > "T can tell you one thing," she whispered. "I most certainly hope you three > brought your guns, or else we're in a lot of trouble." Dan [Spike]: We never go anywhere without our guns. Or our Bonsai, corgi, computer... > Before they could say anything, Jessica's previously concealed hand whipped > up, and the distinctive bang of a gun was heard at close range to everyone's > ears. Several things happened at once: Rick: Stuff! > Faye jumped over and behind the bar counter, pulling her gun from it's > concealment from somewhere in her loose jacket. Rick: Say, where do you keep that grossly-oversized instrument of destruction? Rebecca [Faye]: That's none of your damned business! > Jessica lunged over, seized Ed around her small waist, and hauled her over and > behind the counter, Ein running off for hiding of his own. Dan: [Ed] Wheee!!! Ed wants to ride agaaain! > Spike and Jet both pulled out their guns and turned two tables onto their > sides and ducked behind them. Rebecca: [Jessica, sobbing] My bar... > From the shadows on the other side of the establishment, the explosions of > machine guns rang out, sending bits of flying metal through the air and into > various furniture and walls. Tsuneo: So they didn't noticed the heavily-armed hoods when they came in? Rick: They're part of the furniture. > All of this happened in less than five seconds, and it wasn't over yet. Dan: But it did make for a confusing set-up. > Jet, Spike, and Faye all fired at the area where the machine guns were going > off, Tsuneo: Stupid question, but are there actually people firing those? > and Jessica was keeping Ed protected from the shattering glass of the > liquor bottles, Dan: Man, you could get drunk from just inhaling here. Rick: Nobody leaves until the booze is taken to safety! > occasionaly jumping up and firing her gun along with the others. Rebecca: Jessica must be a really popular gal. Tsuneo: She's using Quake 3 bot logic. She's just jumping and firing. > Suddenly, the machine guns stopped, and the group had barely peeked out from > their hiding spots when two objects were thrown at them Rick: A photo of Queen Victoria and a loaded banana. Tsuneo: Be more specific next time. > - one onto the stage, > the other in the middle of the bar, barely in front of Jet and Spike - and > exploded in fire and smoke. Rebecca: [Jessica] Boy, what a tough crowd. > "Detonators!" Faye yelled over the noise. Rick: Pretty wimpy ones too, if you're alright. > "Those bastards!" Jessica shouted, jumping up and firing endlessly at their > now-visible attackers, Tsuneo: So they were hidden until the explosions? Rebecca: Yep. Tsuneo: That doesn't make any- Rebecca: Are you thinking again? > joined once again by Spike and Jet. Dan: You know, with all this gunfire you could actually hurt someone. > "Go out through the back door, I'll cover you!" Jessica yelled to the > four. Rick: Woof! Rebecca: [Jessica] Okay, five! Geez! > "But -" Spike started to protest when the woman jumped over the counter > and scrambled to take his place. She pointed the barrel of the gun towards > his chest. > "Go, or I'll shoot you myself." Tsuneo: Well if you put it that way... Rick: [Spike] I've seen worse. > Spike reluctantly nodded his understanding, and he, Jet, Faye, and Ed > all bolted for the back door behind the counter as Jessica kept their > cover with her gun. Rebecca: [Jessica] That does it, I'm never playing this place again. > When she was sure they had gotten out of the building and were at a > relatively safe distance, Dan: Relatively only. > Jessica reached into her inside pocket and pulled out a small metal cylinder. Rick: [Jessica] Can of beans, flashlight, energy drink - which one of these is it? > She fingered it for a second, then twisted the > top half 180 degrees from the bottom, Tsuneo: Then shook well and added an olive. > then threw it at the intruders, diving > to the floor and covering her head with her arms as the cylinder exploded, Rick: Wow, the interior decorator's gonna be pissed. > and the room filled with smoke and the lights burst out. > *** > The five (Ein had suddenly joined them when they got to the street) Dan: [Spike] Say, where were you all that time? Rick: Arf! Dan: [Spike] I see. Did you get me a postcard? > were half-way down the street when they heard the explosion. Rebecca: [Faye] Never liked the place anyway. Dan: [Jet] Why do thinks always explode wherever we go? > They didn't have time to stop, though, because two ships came bearing overheard, > firing at them. Rick: I think somebody doesn't like them. Tsuneo: Up next, the Bebop crew versus the national guard. > Obviously, they were friends of the assassins inside the burning bar. Spike felt > a twinge of sadness; Jessica Hemming had died to get them to safety Dan: With what he went through at the start of the fic, I think he'd be the last one to make that assumption. Tsuneo: Yeah, it's just a little exploding bar! He got shot up by a thousand mooks and disembowelled. > when she didn't > even know them, and if they didn't move, her death would be in vain. Dan: Ten to one says she's not even scratched. Rebecca: Can't be a bet if we all agree. > "Get to the Bebop!" Spike yelled over the gunfire, and they took again, this time > for the hopeful safety of their ship. > Jet hurled himself into the pilot's chair, frantically bringing the ship to > life beneath them. Rick: Stupid thing never starts first time on a cold morning. Tsuneo: Whoah, hold it! So we're meant to buy that they scrambled to safety, completely unmolested while being chased by two gunships all the way back to the Bebop? Rebecca: Turns out the bar's right next to the Venus spaceport. Tsuneo: Oh, that's alright then. > It rose into the air, then shot through the sky, through the plant's atmosphere, Rick: Pollen's really thick tonight. > and into space. Their pursuers followed, intent on > destroying their prey. Dan: And they only just met. Rebecca: Get to know them and you'll have a *good* reason. > Ed looked up at Faye. "What happened to the nice lady, Faye? Is she okay? Is she..." Rebecca: [Faye] She's just resting. Yeah... > Faye looked sadly down at the girl, then hung her head. Ed's golden eyes filled > with tears and she began to cry as Faye reached out and hugged her. Rick: It's the new, sensitive, caring Faye Valentine. Others: Huh? > Faye looked at Spike, who was heading for the hanger. "What are you going to do?" Dan: [Spike] Ship? Rebecca: [Faye] Oh yeah. Forgot that. > Spike looked back over his shoulder. "I'm going to shoot those bastards into space > dust myself." Rick: Does Spike really talk like that? Rebecca: No. Rick: Are you going to be okay? Rebecca [Sobbing]: No. > He was about to go through the door when there was a bright flash of light outside > one of the port view windows. Dan: Hey, they're holding a disco out there. Rick: Best place for it. Dan: How come? Rick: Can't hear the music. > They barely had time to crowd around the window when a small ship painted > pale blue flew past, circled around, and mercilessly fired upon the > remaining ship, Rick: I don't think we can rely on any more combustible spacecraft today. > which exploded in red and yellow, sending scraps of > shrapnel spinning through the empty vacuum. Tsuneo: That was an unusually poetic description. Dan: I was hoping something spontaneous yet not entirely unexpected like this would happen. > The light blue ship's cockpit came into view, and the three saw a smattering > of red blood upon the view window. Rebecca: [Faye] Tough break. Do you think we can sell it? Dan: [Jet] Only if you clean it out. > The figure inside looked over at them, > then slumped out of view, either dead or unconscious. Rick: Looks like we all lose. > A sudden squawk, followed by loud static, erupted from the cockpit, and > Jet's frantic yelling. Dan: [Jet] Alright, who let Ein near the radio? > "Ed," Spike said, turning to the girl. "See if you can hack into that ship's > computer, and bring it to the Bebop's hanger." Rick: [Spike] And get me a sandwich, I'm hungry. > "Right!" > "Jet, turn that damn thing off and get down here! We're going to have some company!" Dan: [Jet] So is that "get out the fine silver" company, or "break out the handcuffs and open up the toilet" company? > The static promptly shut off, and Jet appeared, grumbling something that > sounded like, "Oh, JOY," Rebecca: Why doesn't Jet get any say on who gets to stay on his ship? > Ed looked up from her computer, goggles covering. "Ed got in! Now, here comes > the ship." Tsuneo: [Ed] Blam! Oopsie, pilot error. > Ein rested his nose on her knee, whining. Dan: He gets the best lines in this fic. > From the window, they could see the ship turn and fly slowly, but steadily, > towards the docking hatch. Rick: [Spike] Ed, it goes the other way up. > They all heard the clanking and groaning of the dock opening, the sound of > the new ship's launch struts landing on the metal hull, then the closing of the > dock. > When he was sure that the vacuum and atmosphere had returned to the dock, Tsuneo: How can you have vacuum *and* atmosphere at the same time? Rick: Don't think about it. > Spike opened the door, followed by Faye, Jet, Ed, and Ein. Dan: Then Horace Hogan, Stevie Ray and the rest of the nWo B-Team. > Ed shivered as her bare feet > touched off the frigid metal, rubbing her arms in the equally cold air. Dan: [Leans closer] Hey yeah, it really is cold in there. [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > All of them were floating in the zero-g atmosphere. > Their blue savior was snuggle between the Swordfish II to her front, and > Faye's own Redtail to the right-back, the right wing in the space between > the two other ships, Tsuneo: Say, where did the Hammerhead get to? Dan: [Jet] Sold it for food, what do you expect? > and painted in a flowing white scrip was the name of the ship, "Runner". Dan: As in "Done A, With The ship." > Spike pushed off and floated towards the ship, catching himself near the manual > release hatch for the cockpit window. It was standard; just a lever behind the > maintenance hatch. > He turned it a full 360 degree circle, and when it locked into place the shield > slowly raised itself. Tsuneo: There was a glowing light from within and small, shadowed figures. > The group watched attentively as this happened, completely silent. > Spike floated himself up, and, if it would have been possible, would have > fallen out fo the air when he saw who was in the pilot's seat. All: Yeah, big surprise. > *** > Jessica slowly opened her eyes, her world completely blurred. Rick: Just wait until your vision returns. You'll wish it hadn't. > When the sudden > memory of what happened came back like a tidal wave, she yelled out and > bolted up, then blanket that had been laid over her half-kicked off. Tsuneo: Okay, so she's injured in the bar, crawls her way to her ship, reaches orbit unassisted, blows away two gunships like they're not there and only *then* falls unconscious? Rick: Well, that was the first time we were shown the bullet holes in her back. > A hot pain tore through her body, and she cried out again, falling down onto > her back again. Dan: Remind me, where's she hurt again? Rick: [Shrugs] Just you know, hurt. Generally hurt. > She lay there breathing hard, looking at her surroundings. > It looked to be some sort of living room, and she could see a clothesline > with a few shirts and a pair of pants or two hanging on it. Rebecca: [Jessica] So they put me up in their laundry? > Where am I? she thought, Tsuneo: [Jessica] Another unfamiliar ceiling. > then felt a slight hum running through the floor > and the furniture. I'm on a ship. What ship? Dan: Maybe the ship you just saved. Maybe not. > Just then, a red-haired head popped around the corner, and grinned > when she saw Jessica awake and look over at her, surprised. Rick: Not the best thing to see when regaining consciousness. Rebecca: Ed is one of the things least likely to reassure your faith in reality. > "Good morning!" > Ed cried out in a cheerful voice. "Ed will go get Spike-type person for you!" > "Huh?" Jessica said, leaning up on her elbow, recognizing Ed from before. > I must be on their ship! That must mean... I'm alive... Dan: Either that or you're all dead. Your choice. Rick: [Spike] Believe me, the afterlife isn't all it's cracked up to be. For starters, there's all the frogs. > This thought had barely gone across her mind when Spike and Faye came > froma round the corner and into the room. "Oh, Ed was right. You're awake." Tsuneo: Don't sound so disappointed, Faye. Rick: [Spike] So no, we can't sell her ship. Rebecca: [Faye] Well... not again, anyway. > Faye stated, leaning over and inspecting the other woman's face. Rebecca: [Faye] Just as I thought. Two eyes, a nose and a mouth. > "Of course Ed is right! Ed is always right!" Ed said, jumping around and doing > a little dance. > "Ed, calm down!" Spike said, then turned his attention to Jessica. "Are you > feeling all right?" he asked. Rebecca: [Jessica] Tell me first, does Ed always act like that? Rick: [Spike] Yep. Rebecca: [Jessica] Then I'm afraid not. > Jessica nodded, taking silent notice of the bandages around her head and arms. > "Where am I?" she asked, sitting up. Rick: The laundry. Tsuneo: That's less informative than you think. > "You're on our ship, the Bebop." Spike explained. "I suggest," he added, "That > you stay with us for a little bit, to heal up, I mean." Dan: You guys ever heard of a place called a hospital? Rick: [Spike] Do they cost money? > Jessica looked over the three. "I guess, then," she said, smiling. "I have no > choice." Rebecca: I guess Jet doesn't get any say on who stays on his ship after all. Tsuneo: Say, where is he anyway? Dan: Offhand, I'd say tapping his head against a wall. > "YaaaaAAAaaYYY!!" Ed shouted, jumping up and down, dancing around the room. > "Welcome - TO THE BEBOP CREW!!!" Tsuneo: Ow, I needed these ears. > "ED!" > See you in space, > Cowboy... [Rebecca stands up, a mean look on her face. She pulls out a huge pistol and empties the clip into the TV at near point-blank range. Glass and bits of TV fly everywhere in slow motion as a white dove goes past] Dan: Where'd the dove come from? Rick: Well I guess the TV now matches the rest of the place. Voice: Okay. Let's have your reviews. Rebecca: Right. At first, I wondered to my self "Why'd the authour it the big ol' reset button and bring everyone back? Why not set it at some point during the show do you don't have to contrive Spike back to life, Ed and Ein back to the ship and Big Shot back to the screen? I mean, you can easily fit Bebop fics in between episodes." And then I realised it. You set it after the show and hit us with the floating island just so you can have them go around their normal lives free of all the emotional baggage that made them distinct and unique characters in the first place. Mostly, it's so Julia is conveniently out of the way so Jessica can be Spike's love interest. Tsuneo: Look, even despite the ton of ret-cons to start the fic, this is still one of the most contrived stories I've seen in a while. I mean, they just *happen* to walk into the bar of a beautiful, capable and available Authour Avatar on the rumour that she "helps out bounty hunters" - not that she might know anything about their current case. Then thugs appear literally out of nowhere, and Jessica gets to save the day a couple of times, doing things the crew are well capable of. Not to mention breaching orbit on her own and only passing out afterwards... Dan: Let's be fair, the whole point to this fic was just to introduce Jessica. But we really don't need her, do we? She's pretty bland so far - no real personality to speak of, yet Spike cares inordinately for her and the audience is meant to as well. I just don't see why, myself. Rick: It's competently written, which is a change for us. Compared to some of the messes we've seen of late, it's quite readable. The problem is that it doesn't really say much. It consists of retcon, character introduction, fight, setup for next chapter. There's not much meat in the story, so to speak. Voice: Well, thanks for that, guys. Rebecca: Anytime. [She gets up and kicks the ruined TV out of the hole in the wall. Tsuneo: Ouch. Rick: I can't wait to see what this place will look like next time. Dan: Knowing you, that'll be in about five experiments from now. Voice: Reviews. Rick: Hey, I've been here a lot of late. Dan: Okay. Rick: I'll be impressed if he can get it back into shape. Dan: Maybe he can use a retcon from this fic. Rick: Point. Tsuneo: Whatever. The computer's wrecked and the floor looks unsafe, so I'm out of here. Rebecca: Good idea. I'll leave it to the voice to sort this mess out. [They file out. The screen goes blank] Voice: I'm never renting this place out again. Dan: That bloody dove just crapped on me! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1999-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1999-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > He looked a them, then laughed weakly. "What, you guys have forgotten my name so > quickly? It's me, Spike Spiegel."