Elmer Studios presents... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 125 features the second half of Snakes in Megatokyo. I could say it gets better, but I'd be lying. Bubblegum Crisis is copyright Artmic/Youmex. GI Joe is copyright Hasbro Snakes in Megatokyo is copyright Starscream --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Rick and Rebecca enter, talking] Rebecca: You really found an episode of it? Rick: Yeah, it was on a tape in between A-Team episodes. Rebecca: Was it any good? Rick: Of course not. Rebecca: Okay, did it have any good moments? Rick: It had Screwhead in it. Rebecca: Right. [Dan enters] Dan: I got better. I found some episodes of Silverhawks under my bed. Rebecca: You went there? Dan: I had to. Rick: You're a braver man than I am. Rebecca: I'm feeling all nostalgic. [Tsuneo enters] Tsuneo: What's up with you guys? I sense something in the air... Something... eighties... Rick: Hulkamania, Mullets, Mr T and Australian Rock Bands. Tsuneo: Oh yuck. Dan: Like you can talk. Tsuneo: So what bought this attack of sheer stupidity on? Rebecca: The fic. We're watching a GI Joe fic, which was something we all watched when we were kids. Rick: Yeah, and that got us all nostalgic for eighties toy shows. Tsuneo: Even though one of you comes form the mid twenty-first century, one from the late twenty-fourth and the other keeps changing her origin story? Dan: I don't know what it is, but somehow, it's always the eighties when you're a kid. Rebecca: So we combed our subconscious minds, and had a major attack of eighties cartoons. Tsuneo: You're kidding, aren't you? I thought they were all rubbish. Rick: Well, yes. But to varying degrees. Tsuneo: Isn't rubbish just rubbish? Dan: Time to educate you, m'boy. Rebecca: I mean, you've got Transformers which was mostly okayish, but did have a lot of dog episodes, for example. But everyone remembers it and thinks it was kinda neat. Rick: Until they watch "Carnage in C Minor" or "Autobop". Dan: And then you've got the nearly forgotten ones, like Marshal Bravestarr. Rick: Or at least J. Michael Strazynski would like to have us forget it. Tsuneo: Right. Help. Rebecca: But probably the ones that stick in our heads the most were the utterly and unforgivably bad ones. The ones that we thought were cool at the time but now think are mind-numbingly daft. Dan: But still strangely amusing. Rick: I mean, GI Joe's a prime example. Each week, Cobra Commander would come up with the most mind-blowingly stupid plan to take over the world. He'd build a plot device using a mind-control satellite, shrink ray, cloned dinosaur, evil duplicate or balloon, then unleash it upon the Joes. Then they'd fight, but nobody gets hurt. Then Cobra retreats, and Duke gives us a public safety message. Tsuneo: I see... why'd you watch this crap? Rebecca: Ii was cool at the time. Dan & Rick: The Baroness. Rebecca: Besides which, it was better than Masters of the Universe. Tsuneo: ...What? Dan: Okay, funny story. There's this prince guy who's a real poof, but he pulls out his magic sword and turns into the incredible- Rebecca: -ly homoerotic- Dan: He-Man. Tsuneo: He-Man? What is he, a steroid pusher? Dan: Yes. Rick: Anyway, there's this baddie called Skeletor who wants to take over the world or something. But Skeletor makes all his plans as tough on him as possible, and generally tells the good guys about them in advance. Tsuneo: Why? Rebecca: He's a masochist. Dan: JMS, Bob and Larry did drugs back then. Rick: He's an idiot. Tsuneo: I see. And? Rick: Then He-Man defeats his entire army with one punch and saves the universe. Dan: And then his long-lost sister with huge bazongas appears in a spin-off. Rick: His bazongas were bigger. Rebecca: It's all true. Tsuneo: I want to go home now. Rebecca: But nothing can compare to the true piece de crappe of eighties toy shows. Tsuneo: ...I'm going to hate myself for this, but, what was it? Rick: Challenge of the Gobots. Rebecca: Machine Men if you're Australian. Tsuneo: I see... What was this like, he asked, knowing that they'd explain even if he didn't. Rebecca: Now you're getting it. Rick: Imagine the Transformers cartoon. Tsuneo: Uh-huh. Rick: By Hanna-Barberra. Tsuneo: AAACK! Dan: Take away reason, accountability, common sense, dialogue, delivery, characterisation, intelligence- Tsuneo: I get the picture. Dan: -animation quality, production values, originality, plausibility- Tsuneo: Compared to giant sentient transforming robots from outer space? Rebecca: Yes. Tsuneo: I see. Rick: And Scooter, a little goon who's far more annoying than Wheelie. Tsuneo: Impossible. Rick: Imagine Wheelie being in eighty-nine consecutive episodes, and saving everyone in all of them. Tsuneo: ...Did anyone actually watch this? Rebecca: We're beginning to wonder ourselves. Tsuneo: That's enough pop culture for today. Any more and I fear my head would explode. Voice: This is fascinating, but if I could interrupt... Rebecca: Good morning, Golobulus. Voice: ...I don't like you. Rick: Don't you dare show us that. Voice: Me? Rick: You would. Dan: Pro works aren't his style. Tsuneo: Dare I ask? Dan: GI Joe, the movie. Rick: Starring Sgt. Slaughter. Tsuneo: Save me. Voice: When you're through, I've got the second half of the fic. Tsuneo: Bloody hell. Who comes up with this kind of thing? Rick: Idiots? Rebecca: Fanboys? Dan: A young, desperate for work JMS on crack? [They sit] Tsuneo: Does it get more eighties than a BGC/GI Joe crossover? Rick: Only if it has Sylvester Stallone in it. [The TV switches on] > Coming to once more, Sylia found herself in the hospital with a cybernetic > replacement of her right hand; Rick & Dan: Hand! [They laugh like idiots] Tsuneo: I should have never let you two watch End of Evangelion. Rebecca: It would be nice if they attached it. > with Linna and Priss on one side of her bed; and Nene in her AD Police > uniform and Mackie on the other. Rick: That's a pretty big bed. Dan: How come what Nene's wearing is described, but nobody else's is? > Plus General Hawk entering the room. Dan: And Hawk Makes Six, the wacky, zany new sitcom coming this spring from Certainly Doomed Productions. > Then found herself in traction. Rebecca: Oh, so she only just noticed that? Dan: She was too busy looking at Nene's uniform. > "Oh, Sylia this is General Hawk, Commander of GI Joe. Who helped us rescue > you?" Linna introduced Hawk to Sylia. Rebecca [Sylia]: I don't know, I was unconscious for most of the time. > "General." Sylia greeted Hawk. > "Ms. Stingray." Hawk replied Rick: Dan. Dan: Rick. Tsuneo: Idiots. > "As commander of GI Joe, I would like to offered my thanks for the efforts > you and your Knight Sabers gave in dealing with Cobra." Tsuneo: And since they're not US Government employees, it won't affect their budget for the year. Rick [Hawk]: Cool! More m y for flashy uniforms and extra missiles! > Hawk told Sylia. "Thank you, General Hawk. Now > that you and GI Joe know our identities, I would appreciate that you would not ? discuss it with anyone, please." Sylia requested to the commander of GI Joe. Rick [Hawk]: Not a problem. Heck, we've got guys on our team whose names we don't know. Isn't that right, Snake Eyes? Dan: ... Rick [Hawk]: See? > Hawk just smiled. > "Consider your identities classified." Before Hawk left, he snapped Sylia salute. Rebecca: Which means that everyone's going to know about them within a week. Rick: A hacker broke into the Pentagon and spread their names all over the newsgroups. No-one took it seriously, and the only result was a million "hot XXXX nude night saber piczzz here!" sites, where the heads almost matched the necks. Tsuneo: So this is what you do all day at the office? Rick: How did you guess? > "Sylia, I spoke with your doctor. Rebecca: [Linna] I'd show you the bill, but I'm afraid you'd have a relapse. Tsuneo: [Hawk] Don't worry, it's being footed by the American taxpayer. > You have busted left arm, shoulder, collarbone and left > leg. Also you received minor spinal trauma; nothing too serious." Tsuneo: That's not serious? Rick: Hey, she's still the same shape. > Linna told Sylia. Only > nodding was Sylia response. "Now if you please, I want get some sleep." > Sylia requested, and Linna ushered everyone out, so Sylia could get what > she asked for. Dan: What, alone with Linna? > Couple weeks after Sylia was released out of the hospital; Sylia started > some heavy drinking trying to wash away the trauma of her torture. She > hasn't slept in several days. Tsuneo: Tense change! [They all make noises like grinding gears] > Pouring herself a full glass of scotch, she stared at the glass in her hand > for a moment before drinking it. She shut her eyes at the memory of her being > suspended from the ceiling and whipped. Dan: She found it strangely arousing. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > She poured herself another drink so she didn't have to think about it. Dan: While reminding us of it some more. Rick: She's trying not to think about how much she's drinking. > As she laid her head on the table she knocked her glass over dumping the > booze all over the table; then she fell in an alcohol-induced sleep. For > weeks, Sylia had her head in the bottle until Mackie Rick: Managed to pull it out. > started getting wise to Sylia secretive drinking. Tsuneo: So he never noticed her staggering around in a drunken stupor? Rick: It was when she wandered down the street declaring herself the mother of the new boomer master race that he got suspicious. > "Sis, we need to talk. This is not like you." All: We noticed. > Mackie said to his sister who was trying to > ignore him. "Please tell me what is going on?" Rick: She's so desperate for work, she just signed them all to do Scramble Wars. > Mackie asked. "Mackie, just leave me > alone." Sylia told Mackie while drunk. "God damn it Sylia, why are you > doing this to yourself?" Tsuneo: She's been reading the fic. > Mackie pleaded, as Sylia poured herself another drink. Dan: An optimist would say this glass is half full. A pessimist would say it's half-empty. I'd drink it and say "pour me another one." > Sylia slammed the glass > on the table; unsteadily she stood up to her brother. "Mackie just leave me > he fuck alone!" She growled at Mackie. Rebecca [Sylia]: I'm not as think as you drunk I am. > "No, Sylia. You need help. Just talk to me, what's wrong?" Mackie said in calm voice. > Letting the alcohol control her judgment, she lashed out and punched Mackie. [They all applaud politely] > Now lying on > the floor with a black eye. Sylia regaining her senses, she fell to the > floor and started crying. "Oh god, Mackie. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to > take my anger out on you. Rick: She's lying. > I didn't > mean it. I'm sorry." Sylia said between sobs. Mackie quietly said to > Sylia. "It's okay Sis. I'll get you some help." After that Mackie went > to the phone to call Linna. Rick: Why Linna? Tsuneo: She's the normal one of the Sabres. Comparatively. Rick: Comparatively, of course. > In a short time Linna arrived. Mackie took her to Sylia's room. Dan: He then left to find one of his peepholes. > Walking in, Linna nearly > took a step back in disbelief that the iron willed leader of the Knight Sabers > reduced to the sight in front of her. She walked over to Sylia who had her > head down on the table. "Sylia?" Linna called to her friend shaking her on > the shoulder, Rebecca: [Sylia, slurred] Lemme jus' check. > Sylia didn't respond. Now > for the hard way, she grabbed her leader by the lapels and slapped her very > hard across the face as she cried. "Sylia, you god damn bitch listen to me!" Tsuneo: That's pretty harsh for Linna. Rick: She's watching her source of income dry up. > Linna was not going to > let Sylia destroy herself, not like this; they've been through a lot. Tsuneo: Every other time she just hauled off and blew something up. > Sylia's bobbed back > and forth for a moment as her eyes swimmed from the slap across the face. Dan: Unfortunately, one of them was Eric Musambani, so she'll be out for a while. Rick: Go Eric. He's my hero. > "Sylia, listen > to me, what is wrong?" Linna asked as Sylia eyes started to focus on Linna. Tsuneo: You're in a BGC/GI-Joe crossover and you need to ask? > "Linna, help me, please." Sylia sobbed as she started to cry. Tsuneo: [Sylia] I've been out of character for weeks and I don't know why! > Linna smiled as she put her > arms around Sylia. "I will Sylia. If you need me, I will help you." Dan: [Sylia] So Priss just doesn't do it for you anymore? > Linna said letting > tears of her own run down her face, comforting her crying leader. "Now > what?" Sylia asked between sobs. "We talk about what happened to you. Okay?" > Linna told her, Sylia only nodded. Helping her leader into the chair, they > sat at the table where Sylia did her heavy drinking. "When I was captured > by Cobra; I was beaten, flogged, electrocuted, and starved Rick: Then they showed her the bill for her accommodation. Rebecca [Sylia]: I'm never staying at that hotel again. > to get me to disclose the information of our hardsuits. I withstood days of > countless hours of torture. Tsuneo: Hey, how long has this fic been going? Rick: Days of countless hours of crossover... > The only thing that kept me going was the hope I was going to be rescued. Rebecca: [Sylia] So tell me, why exactly did you wait so long? > They came close to breaking me." Dan: And that'd seriously reduce the collectors value, even if they did have all the accessories. > Sylia said with a very worried and scared look > on her face. "Every night I'd wake up screaming, scared out of my mind." Rebecca [Sylia]: I dreamt I was a schizophrenic, pale, willowy pill-popper. How horrible. > Propping her > elbows on the table, she placed her hands on her head and looked at Linna with > tired and bloodshot eyes, Dan: [Sylia] Brains... must eat... > Sylia said with a sad voice. "Linna, there were moments during my > imprisonment, that I thought I was going to die; if they kept up the torture." Tsuneo: Is there some kind of school where people learn to punctuate that badly? Rick: It's a talent that can only be taught. Tsuneo: You'd know? Rick: Crappy letterers can ruin your whole day. > Linna > noticed that Sylia started reaching for a bottle of vodka, but Linna pulled it > out of her reach Rebecca [Sylia]: Mine! Gimme! > and got a pitcher of ice water Dan: And poured it all over her. Rick: What, to sober her up? Dan: Actually, I was thinking of the wet-nightie value. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > and glasses for the both of them. Linna did what she > promised, for as long as it takes she will help Sylia through her trauma. > Back on Cobra Island, Tsuneo: Say, just what have the Cobras been up to since Sylia hit the bottle? Rick: Well first, they tried mind-controlling British Rail officials into bringing the London Underground to a screeching halt, but that didn't make much difference. Next they held the Eiffel Tower hostage, but forgot to capture it first. After that, they turned a shrink ray on the UN building but hit an ugly modern art sculpture out the front. Dan: So, same old same old then. > Cobra Commander carried his body into his office Rick [Cobra Commander]: Damn, I need to knock off the fatty foods. > and collapsed into > a chair. What a week it has been, all the secrecy and troops movements; the > taking of the diet all for naught. Dan: Pretty much normal for him, right? Rick: You think that's bad? Just wait till he sees what the Drednocks did to the couch. > Taking a bottle of Tylenol out, he dimmed the lights to almost > darkness as he removed his helmet and faceplate. No one has ever seen > Cobra Commander's face and he wanted it kept that way as he popped four > Tylenol capsules for his headache. Then placed his faceplate and helmet > back on. Tsuneo: Too... many... tense changes... head swimming... can't think straight... > Leaning back in his chair the Commander allowed his mind to wander. Rick: It wandered to a bar and got itself drunk. > "Ms. Stingray may have > created those Hardsuits. But she must have had some help.... Of Course!" > he said snapping his fingers. Getting an idea he called for one of his Tele > Vipers. Dan [Nerdy]: I came as fast as I could. Rick [Cobra Commander]: Who are you? You're not a Tele-Viper! Dan [Nerdy]: I'm a Temp-Viper. The Tele-Vipers have the day off. > Minutes later, a Tele Viper walked in. "You wanted to see me Commander?" The > Tele Viper asked. > "Yes." The Commander hissed. "I want you to find any information on Sylia > Stingray." The Commander added, the Tele Viper left to carry out his orders. > 5 minutes passed before the Tele Viper returned with a folder. "Here's the > information you've requested Commander." Dan: [Cobra Commander] I see, but what does "|\|3|\|3 (#4|\| 0vv|\|z0|2z j00 8147c#!!1@! vv007" mean? Tsuneo: How do you pronounce that anyway? > said the Tele Viper as he handed the Commander a folder. The > Commander opened the file after the Tele Viper left. Dan: According to this, she's hot. Rick: Cobra at it's finest, folks. > "So she has a brother... A Mackie > Stingray, huh?" The Commander though, "I couldn't bend Ms. Stingray's > will, perhaps I can bend Mr. Stingray's will to Cobra! I will have > those Hardsuits!" Dan [Nerdy]: Is this the time for diabolical laughter, sir? Rick [Cobra Commander]: Quit padding your part, Temp-Viper. > For 3 weeks Sylia has remained sober, Tsuneo: And the story has gone NOWHERE, folks! Dan: At least it's not in real-time. Tsuneo: Feels like it. > and managed to ease herself back into the roll as boss of the Knight Sabers. Rebecca: [Sylia] Okay, what's waiting? Tsuneo: [Linna] while you were out, Priss got a friend killed and went on a rampage. Here's her damage list and medical bills. Nene wound up getting kidnapped, but I rescued her - here's my damages report. Mackie's requesting more pretzels or the motorslaves will never be ready. Rebecca: [Sylia] I need a drink. > For right now, Sylia wasn't eager to jump back into action; she > wanted to take it easy for a while. Dan: All rogue boomers were ordered to rampage quietly. > Still she kept herself in peak performance. > With a lot free time on her hands, Sylia decided to go for a walk; just to > give herself something to do. Tsuneo: And leave herself and Mackie conveniently vulnerable to attack. Rick: Oh come on, Tsuneo, who would use such an obvious set-up? Tsuneo: You? Rick: Well besides me? > Before leaving Sylia pulled a glove over her right hand, since she became > self conscious about her hand. Rick: So where does she hide her lightsaber? Dan: Mackie wanders around with a tray on his head carrying it. > It was a beautiful spring day, Sylia noted as she walked through the park. > With a small smile, watching some children playing in the distance. Tsuneo: Okay fic, you've given us this sickeningly sweet scene. Just tell us when the boomer rampage begins and spare us the agony. Dan: What's with you and WAFF anyway? Tsuneo: El Hazard: The Wanderers. Dan: Ouch. > "I wonder what would it be like to have a family?" Rebecca: Think living with Nene and Mackie, and having to feed, wash and clothe the two of them. That should put you off for life. > Sylia thought to herself, if the circumstances of her life were vastly different. Tsuneo: [Sylia] If I was a completely different person. > "It's unfortunate, but I have my priorities. And pursuing a relationship is at > the bottom." Tsuneo: Right up there with learning Basque. > She told herself the sad assessment. Continued walking and mulling thoughts > through her mind. She came to the realization that she was a lonely person > despite she had Mackie and her friends, since she doesn't go out and enjoy herself > in their company, Tsuneo: Apart from when they're arguing over dinner and shooting each other. Rebecca: Well, would you hang around the Knight Sabres? Rick: Sure, Linna and Mackie. Rebecca: Mackie? Rick: He has a sweet net connection and is a mad gamer. > instead always working.... always working. "I must be a workaholic." Another > sad assessment of her life, she couldn't remember the last time she had > any fun. Looking at her watch, it was time to start walking home. > Walking down the street, she was alerted to the sounds of a woman screaming. > Sylia ran down the alley to see a common mugger robbing a woman. Tsuneo: Well here's a cliché scene. Rick: This is a common mugger, as opposed to the Guinean Mugger of Paradise. > Running up, she punched with her gloved right hand. Rebecca: Having an artificial hand has a few advantages. Want me to demonstrate? Dan: Sure. Rebecca: Sucker. [She drives her fist into the top of his head] > "What the fuck! You're going to pay for that you bitch!" The mugger swore as he > rubbed the side of his face. Dan [Mugger]: Hey! No fair using a foreign object! Rick: Ahem! Dan: Okay, an international object. > "I would suggest you get of here, please." Sylia suggested to the lady as > the mugger menacingly motioned towards Sylia as she unleashed a two punch combo; Dan: Square, circle. Rick: Then she went for the ultra-cheap infinite uppercut. > a right cross and an > uppercut. When the punches connected, the mugger was knocked out cold. Rick: ZAP! POW! WA-TAK! TOGG! Rebecca: Bored? Rick: How can you tell? > "Now to put garbage > like you where you belong!" Sylia said as she dragged the mugger and put > him head first into the garbage can. Tsuneo: Care to leave your dialogue there too? > At Raven's Garage, Mackie was finishing a tune up on a customer's car. When > he closed the hood, two helmeted Vipers appeared. "May I help you two?" > Mackie asked nervously. Rick [Viper]: Our, um, tank broke down. Yeah. > One of the Vipers responded with. "Actually our employer does." Dan [Mackie]: Your employer helps you? Rick [Viper]: That came out all wrong... Let's start this again. > The 2nd Viper knocked > Mackie out with the back of his rifle; Both Vipers dragged his body down the > street. Overhead, a Night Raven flew near to see the Vipers. Tsuneo: Pay no attention to the huge black spy plane buzzing around overhead abducting people in broad daylight! > "Releasing Night Raven Drone." Stated the Strato Viper as the Drone detached > from the Night Raven. Coming in to land, the Vipers boarded and dragged Mackie > onto the Drone, before it took off. The Drone took off and reconnected itself on > the back of the Night Raven. Then the Night Raven flew off. Dan [Bored]: This is so intense. > Walking back in the service area Dr. Raven looked for Mackie then though > he may have went home. Tsuneo: Without closing up or telling him? > Staring at her watch, Sylia noticed it was 8:30 PM. "I hope he isn't > working too hard." Rebecca: Only his right hand. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion.] > Sylia thought as she looked at the window, Dan: [Sylia] Is that a Mysterious Black Jet (TM) out there? > then she picked up the phone and called Raven's. > "Raven's." Dr. Raven greeted over the phone. "Dr. it's Sylia. Is Mackie > there?" Sylia responded as she looked at the clock on her desk. "No, > I haven't seen him since noon. I thought he might of gone home?" Rebecca: [Sylia] Why didn't you call and check? Dan: [Dr. Raven] It got him out of what's left of my hair for the afternoon. > "Thank you, Doctor." Sylia concluded before she hung up the phone. "This > is not like Mackie to just disappear." Tsuneo: Usually he's hanging around like the proverbial bad smell. Rick: You don't think that mysterious black jet that was hanging around Raven's place might have something to do with it? All: Nah. > Sylia thought to herself as she placed her thumb under her > chin. Like any normal person Sylia called the police to file a missing > persons report. She spent an hour with the police filling out the report > about Mackie. Rick [Officer]: Now are you absolutely sure you want him back? Rebecca [Sylia]: Let me think about this... > As she walked out of Police headquarters, an icy demeanor set in her > mind. "If Mackie has been kidnapped; I won't show any mercy." She vowed > to herself. Tsuneo: Hooray! At last, a plot! > Blackness lifted from Mackie to find himself in an office; Sitting in > front of him was a blue uniformed man with a helmet and faceplate. Dan: Breetai? How'd he get here? Tsuneo: I think he meant the uniform was blue, not the man in it. Dan: Oh. > "Greetings Mackie Stingray, welcome to > Cobra Island." The man said to Mackie as he shook the cobwebs out of his mind. Rick [Makes rattling noises] > "Who are > you?" Mackie asked. Striking a pose of triumph, he stated. "I am the supreme > Commander of Cobra!" Dan [Mackie]: Well whoopedy-shit. > Mackie began to recognize him. "You're Cobra Commander! You're the one who had > my sister tortured." The Commander nodded as he folded his arms. "Yes. You're > sister was quite strong willed. Tsuneo: [Cobra Commander] She did say she was ready to give in to boredom. > I figured you will be a little more cooperative in providing information of > the Knight Saber's hardsuits." The Commander hissed. Tsuneo: How much does Mackie know about the hardsuits anyway? Dan: He knows their measurements. > "No I will not." Mackie defiantly told the Commander. "Perhaps we can > get it out another way. Rick [Cobra Commander]: I've got beer and pr0n. Dan [Mackie]: When do we start? > The mistake we made with your sister is we tortured her." The Commander > said as he got up and walked around the desk. "But we'll use hypnotic > suggestion." Dan [Dr Mindbender]: Just warming up the ol' Brainwave Scanner now... She takes a little time to get started in the mornings. Say, do you want some coffee? Rick [Cobra Commander]: Ugh. What's with this coffee? Dan [Dr Mindbender]: You fool! This is no ordinary coffee! This coffee is a blend of all the best strains of coffee from across history! I, Dr Mindbender, with my amazing genius, have created the ultimate coffee! Rick [Cobra Commander]: Weirdo. > The Commander added as > he picked up a metal headband and placed it around Mackie's head. Picking > up a remote control, he activated the headband; once active Mackie was under > Cobra Commander's control. "What are your orders, Commander?" Mackie asked in > a monotone voice. "Excellent!" The Commander hissed. Rebecca: I seem to recall saying something about using the Brainwave scanner on Sylia... > The next day, Sylia spent some time in the gym below her penthouse. Treating > the punching bag as if it was an enemy, Sylia kept a fast but constant rhythm > of punches. Sweat poured down her head, her teeth clenched in severe concentration. Rebecca: No, that's severe constipation. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > Also sweat poured down her > back, chest and arms soaking the collar of her blue T-shirt as she > continued to punch the bag. Dan: Saaaaaay... > In her ADPolice uniform, Nene walked into the gym; Rick: Again with Nene's ADP uniform! What's with that? Tsuneo: The authour has a strange fixation with it. > Noticing the look on Sylia's face and how she was hitting the punching > bag; Rebecca: [Nene] D'you think she's training or something? > Nene wondered if she should tell Sylia any word > about Mackie. "Yes Nene?" Sylia asked bluntly asked with labored breath. Rebecca: [Sylia] What are you doing here? Tsuneo: [Nene] Just wasting valueless space. > "No news about Mackie, I'm sorry." Nene said to her leader. "God damn it! > 3 days he's been missing. 3 days! Why don't you try getting off your damn > ass and actually look for him!" Dan [Blinks]: Did Nene just say that? > Sylia berated Nene, actually getting in her face like DI. Rick: DI? Detective Inspector? The hell? > Sylia stopped and looked at > Nene, she didn't deserved it. "Nene, I'm sorry. I shouldn't chewed you out > like that." Sylia said with sorrow in her eyes. Nene understood Sylia's > frustration, and felt compelled to tell her friend the truth. Rebecca [Nene]: Giant purple bunnies from outer space ate him. > "Sylia, I called the N-police this morning to > check up on that report you've filled out 3 days ago. They've lost it." Rebecca: [Sylia] Now someone please tell me why I'm not surprised? Dan: They're not the only ones who've lost it. > The sorrow in her brown eyes was changed to complete and utter anger. > "They've lost it?" Sylia asked in a calm but angered tone of voice. Tsuneo: So It's calm complete and utter anger? Rick: Seems that way. Tsuneo: This fic makes no sense! Rick: Seems that way. > "So much for having faith in the > N-Police. I'll have to take matters into my own hands." Tsuneo: So, tonight's topic for fanfic discussion. Did the N-Police loose the report, or was it just a poor plot contrivance to get Sylia to go after Mackie herself? Rick: Plot Contrivance. Dan: Plot Contrivance. Rebecca: Plot Contrivance. Tsuneo: Well, that's it for tonight's fanfic discussion. See you all next week. > Sylia said as she snapped a towel around the back of her neck Rebecca: Next time, use less starch. > and walked out of the gym. When she exited the gym she removed > the boxing gloves but leaving the tape wrapped around her hands. After > getting a bottle of water, she went into her office to use the phone. Rick: Good thing she's still taped. That phone can be vicious! > The number once dialed, the phone on the > other end began to ring, then a male voice answered. "We need to talk, > usual time and place." Sylia simply stated. Tsuneo: Enter Fargo, the handy exposition merchant. > In the Terrordrome, Cobra Commander Dan: Was hanging out with the Shredder and Krang. Rebecca: *Terror*drome, not *Techno*drome. Dan: What's the difference? Rebecca: Very little. > watched from the catwalks as Techno Vipers were > constructing the first breed of Cobra Hardsuits, While continuing to > observe Destro approached the Commander. Tsuneo: He's watching the hardsuits and Destro after Destro watched him... AACK! [The Electronic Monk trundles out wearing a hat, sunglasses and a black tie and carrying a saxophone. It blows a C sharp into Tsuneo's ear, and trundles back] Tsuneo: What... the hell was that? Rebecca: The Electronic Blues Monk. A couple of guys remodelled it a while back.* Tsuneo: Fine. Can I go now? > "I've never seen such advanced suits before. It was unfortunate > that we couldn't study Ms. Stingray's suit a little further, Commander." Rick: [Cobra Commander] Well you studied her quite extensively, didn't you? Dan: [Destro] I've got to live too, you know. > The Commander turned to his silver masked colleague. Rick: [Cobra Commander] Do you have any idea how stupid you look in that thing? Dan: [Destro] Lips... don't... unpurse... > "From the information available, it > would seem that both the Stingray's were gifted in intelligence and > technology." > "Yes, the father was creator of the Boomer. Then he was the victim of an > unfortunate laboratory accident. Rick [Cobra Commander]: Nothing wrong with that. Dan [Destro]: I didn't say anything, I just said there was a lab accident and- Rick [Cobra Commander]: A lab accident is perfectly fine and normal! It could happen to anyone! Dan [Destro]: Weirdo. Rick [Cobra Commander]: Once... Was... A man... > In some ways the Boomer is more advanced to our Battle Android Troopers." Dan: Like: every way? Rebecca: This is what you get for using 1980's technology, folks. > Destro told the Commander. "Perhaps we could develop a hybrid between a BAT > and a Boomer." Destro mentioned. Rick: The end result: A robot that can fuse with its own severed head. Rebecca: Either that or one that never hits ADP officers. > C'est La Vie, a bar in a part of town where people would take the necessary > precautions to protect themselves or avoid this place completely, neither > pertained to Sylia Stingray. People there knew not to screw with her. Dan: She owned the joint. > Sitting in back booth, Sylia was greeted by a man in a unkempt suit. "Sylia > how are you?" the man asked warm heartily. "Can the small talk, Fargo." [Tsuneo glares at Rick and Dan] Rick: What? Dan: What'd we do? Tsuneo: Don't. Just... don't. Rebecca [Fargo voice]: Oh ya, fer sure. Tsuneo: ... [He hits Rebecca with a cushion] > Sylia replied coldly. "I need > you to find any information pertaining to my brother's whereabouts." Rick: [Fargo] He's been here all week ogling the stage girls. Rebecca: [Sylia] Fine. Anything else? Rick: [Fargo] Here's my bill. > Fargo looked at Sylia with confusion. "Sylia, I don't do missing person > jobs." Fargo mentioned before Sylia grabbed him by the tie. Dan: Then wrapped it around one of the fan blades. > "Listen Fargo, I haven't been in a very > good mood lately. Now get me the information I've asked for; Or two > things will happen to you. If I'm in a good mood, I will hang you by > your tie until your eyeballs explode! Or if I'm in a bad mood, I'll cut > your fucking bowels out and feed 'em to you! Rick [Fargo]: So... when do we begin? Tsuneo: Sylia does not talk like this. > The way things > are going; you better pray like hell you stay out of my way or I'm in a good > mood!" Dan: [Fargo, scared] Yes mum! > Sylia said with a mixture of fire and ice in her voice. Then she stormed out. Rick: [Fargo] That went as well as can be expected. > Sitting in her car, Sylia tried to calm down; but she was too angry. Not > angry so much but frustrated and worried, Mackie has been missing for over a week... Dan: For all you know he could just be stuck in a revolving door again. Rick: For a week? Rebecca: [Points at Dan] It happens. > she didn't know where > he was or who has him. She felt helpless. "Whoever has Mackie. They are > deadmen!" Sylia vowed to herself as she drove off. Rick: What if he was taken by the undead? Dan: In which case they're dead men, again. > Entering the Knight Saber's training room, Sylia put on her softsuit; > Activating the combat chamber, she put skill level setting as high as possible. Rebecca: She dialled it all the way up to 11. > "This ought to relieve some tension." > Sylia said to herself as she tied a headband around her head to keep the sweat > out of her eyes. Entering the chamber the familiar blob appeared to begin > attacking Sylia. Rick: Viscera's been really hard up for work of late, hasn't he? > With > weaves, ducks, dodges and flips; She evaded her holo enemy's attacks. But > the holo blob's attacks came faster due to the difficulty level Sylia set > it at. Being knocked around by the tentacles was all apart of her plan; Since > she was suppressing her anger until she was ready to explode. Rebecca: You know that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Tsuneo: I think she's using Jackie Chan logic. She lets the enemy tire themselves out beating her up, then she knocks them out. > Still getting knocked down by the fast and > furious attacks of the hologram, Sylia was ready to blow. Linna walked into > the training room to see Sylia lose it; Which Sylia attacked like a cornered > tiger, unleashing a fury of punches and kicks. Sylia was out for blood, Rick: Pity it's just a hologram. Dan: What if it has hologram blood? > Linna noticed from the look in Sylia's > brown eyes. Once she defeated the hologram, Sylia stood there with > her teeth and fist clenched. Tsuneo: Looking for all the world like a Ninja Turtle figure. > She breathed rapid and hard exchanges through her teeth. As Linna > walked and tossed a towel, still a look of shock on her face. "Feel > better?" she asked. Rebecca [Sylia]: Much... plunk. > Sylia nodded before answering. "Yeah, a little bit. I'm still very > angry." Taking off her sweat soaked headband before she used the towel > to wipe her head. Starting to walk away, Sylia headed for the door of > the training room, the stopped at the doors. Rick: How long have we had a door there? > Not even turning > to look at Linna, asked. "Linna besides Irene, has there ever been a time > in your life where you couldn't do anything for someone you cared for?" Dan: [Linna] Including myself? > Sylia finally turned to Linna, > who possessed a straight expression on her face. "Twice, when my parents > were killed by a rogue boomer:" Linna's sad expression changed to a smile. > "The other, Rebecca [Linna]: Was when my share portfolio was devalued. > I nearly watched a > friend destroy herself until she cried out for help." Linna placed her hand > on Sylia's shoulder and smiled. "I feel helpless Linna. For all I know Mackie > could be dead. Tsuneo: Cut that out. Rebecca: What? [Hides a bottle of champagne] > I can't > bear the thought my entire family is dead. I just can't." Sylia uttered > with sadness in her voice and eyes. "I know." Linna whispered. Dan: [Linna] Hey, I found another peephole. Rebecca: [Sylia] I'll kill the little bastard! > At a barren, rocky area of Cobra Island was the 'HISS playground' an > area where weapons and vehicles were tested as well as wargames were > conducted here. Rick: Hey, what's with the big green and purple tank over there? Rebecca: Pay no attention to him. He's just mucking up continuity. > Near the 'playground' > were cliffs that separated the 'playground' from the rest the island; Dan: This is where the kids nobody else liked hung around. > at the base of the > cliff were some small pillbox even though there was a larger installion > built under the cliff that connected to the Terrordrome. Tsuneo: So there's a pillbox there even though there was a pillbox? > Entering the pillbox, Cobra Commander and Destro > were ready to the test of 4 prototype hardsuits. "Now let's see if the > boy did a good job." The Commander hissed. > The 4 prototypes stood in the blazing tropical sun. The hardsuits were > in every way identical to the Knight Sabers; Dan: Which meant they could re-use the animation cells later if needs be. Tsuneo: Why not go for a simpler, generic design? Rebecca: That requires imagination. Rick: Come on! They should be plastered with Cobra logos and have at least fourteen missiles each. > That was why 1 female Crimson Guard was selected; Along > with 1 female Tele Viper; 1 female Viper and 1 female martial arts expert. Rick: Don't they have some sort of Ninja-Viper? Rebecca: Probably. They've got Kitchen Vipers, so why not? > "Deploy the RC HISS Tanks!" The Commander ordered. Speeding towards the > four suits; Four HISS Tanks came towards them with guns blazing. With > jumpjets the four Cobra suits dodge the tank fire. > With monomolecular ribbons, the martial arts expert sliced the barrels of > the gun turrets, kuncklebombed the driver's controls; and destroyed the tank. > The Viper wearing Priss' armor, rammed her knucklebombs into the base of > another HISS Tank. Tsuneo: But Priss's hardsuit won't have knucklebombs until the upgraded second version which hasn't happened yet and... argh! Rick: Remember Tsuneo, thinking bad. Tsuneo: Thinking bad. > Standing there, still > her arm in the tank; the engine exploded consuming the Viper in flames. Dan: Where'd the Viper come from? Rick: That? That's a Stunt-Viper. You know why Vipers never get killed on the show? Because there's always a Stunt-Viper around. > Cobra Commander > watched as the suit walked through the flames without a scorch mark on > the armor. > Igniting her flightpack, the Crimson Guard weave and dodged the gunfire of > the 3rd HISS Tank, ramming her monoblade into the cockpit. Tsuneo: And if it had a driver, that would mean something. > Finally the Tele Viper used her ECMs on the last HISS jamming it guidance > systems and sent it crashing into the base of the cliff. Rebecca: Uh, ECM doesn't work like that... Oh, never mind... > "Excellent! Excellent!" The Commander laughed as the demo was a success. > The Commander left after requesting to review all the test data. Tsuneo: So how'd they get so good with them so quickly? > Lying on the couch was Sylia taking a nap. A luxury she badly needed. A > little peace quiet; despite that her brother was still missing; and she > was under enormous stress. Tsuneo: In case we hadn't hammered that point home enough yet. > Then > the phone rang, waking her up. "Yes?" she asked after picking up the phone. > "Sylia, its Fargo. I have some information that may interest you." Fargo > proposed over the phone. Rebecca: [Sylia] No, for the thirty-eight time. And put the ring away. > "When and where?" Sylia asked. Dan [Fargo]: My place. Tonight. Wear something slinky. Rebecca [Sylia]: The info. Dan [Fargo]: Damn. > "The docks at midnight." concluded Fargo. Tsuneo: [Deadpan] The perfect spot for a romantic interlude. > Walking down the dark waterfront at midnight was not the ideal place to > be for a normal person; But Sylia Stingray was not a normal person. All: No! > Under her trenchcoat she was almost armed to the teeth in case of trouble. Rick: Two colt 45s, a shotgun, a whole bandolier of grenades, spare ammo, two knives in the boots, another two in her sleeves and a hold-out pistol in her briefs. Tsuneo: Like your average player character, really. > Pulling back the sleeve of her coat to glance at > her watch, 12 midnight. "Pst..." A voice from the darkness called out; > on reflex Sylia pulled out a handgun. Dan: Where'd that come from? Rick: A friend sent it to her inside a chocolate Easter bunny. Tsuneo: Now *that* was obscure. > But she put her gun away knowing it was Fargo. "You have some > information for me?" She asked. Dan [Fargo voice]: Oh ya... [Normal] Damn! Damn damn damn! > Fargo only nodded while pulling out a folder. "I still have some friends > in the CIA. Are you familiar with a place called Cobra Island?" Rick: Aren't they going to shoot the next season of Survivor there? > Sylia's head shot up upon hearing this. "Cobra has my brother?!" Her > eyes alight with fire, Fargo only nodded before continuing. Tsuneo: [Sylia] Hmm... Cobra have been hounding my steps for weeks. Why didn't I think of that? > "Apparently, your brother helped them develop four prototype hardsuits." Rebecca: [Sylia] So why are they built with see-through chestplates and no rear armour? Rick: [Fargo] Who helped them? > "Damn!" Sylia bluntly said as she closed the folder and tucked it under > her right arm, then walked off. Dan: [Fargo] What about my pay? > "You're wondering why you're called on such short notice?" Sylia mentioned > the night after her meeting with Fargo. "I've found out that Mackie has > been captured by Cobra." Rebecca [Sylia]: They want a million dollars or else they give him back. > Sylia > noticed the shock of the group. "Why?" Linna asked. "Mackie helped them > produced four prototype hardsuits... against will I'll bet." Sylia responded. Dan: He built hardsuits to get rid of Will Riker? A noble cause! Tsuneo: I suspect she meant "Against his will." Dan: Oh sure, ruin all my fun. > "So when do we kick their ass?" Priss asked while sitting back on the couch. Rick: [Priss] I wanna blow stuff up. I haven't blown anything up in ages! > "You three are not going. Tsuneo: [Sylia] You'll be given the important task of sitting at home, worrying, and not getting paid. > I'm going alone, I feel I'll have better chance getting in and rescuing Mackie." Rick: So she's got a better chance if she goes up against a whole army on her own? Dan: Well, it's no use bringing along Priss if you want to be quiet. With Priss around, something's bound to explode sooner or later. > "But Sylia!" Linna raised her voice only to be shot down by a raised hand > from Sylia. Rick: Fortunately, this being GI Joe, the crew ejected. They always do. > "My > decision has been made Linna and that's final." Sylia flatly said before > walking to her bedroom. Tsuneo: So why did she call them all together to say this? Rick: Priss needed to get her appearance fee. > Once in her bedroom, she pulled out a suitcase to pack. Rebecca: [Sylia] So what are all the trendy Vipers wearing this year? Dan: [Camp] Well, thith theathon'th thpethial ith a thimply thuperb blue and grey number with a truly wonderful helmet and vithor. It'th tricked out with extra red padding, and the whole enthemble lookth just thuper! > Entering her closet, she > pulled out the Viper's uniform and helmet she used weeks ago. Tsuneo: Why did she hang onto it? Rick: In case of a sudden costume party. > "What is it Linna?" Sylia asked continuing to pack as Linna walked in. Rick: [Linna] Why am I getting more lines than Priss and Nene put together? Rebecca: [Sylia] Blatant authour favouritism? > "Why Sylia? Why are you risking your life alone?" Linna asked. "Those > bastards have Mackie. He could be in danger." Sylia retorted with anger > in her voice. "This isn't about Mackie, Sylia, and you know it. This is > about revenge." Linna said in a calm voice. "What about article II of > the Knight Sabers code?" Rebecca [Priss]: What about it? Rick [Linna]: Never mind that, then. > "Let the code of the Knight Sabers be damned!" Sylia sharply cut off > Linna. "Mackie could be dead or worse. I don't want him to go through > what I endured. I won't allow it!" Tsuneo: So do what you always end up doing and turn it into an official Knight Sabres op. Heaven alone knows how many times you bailed Priss out that way. > Ice ran through her blood as she continued packing. Linna knew Sylia made > up her mind. > "Sylia?" > "Hmm?" Rebecca [Linna]: If you don't come back, can I have your stuff? > "Just come home alive and good luck." > "I will and thank you Linna." > Once in Flordia, Sylia disguised herself as a Viper and stowed away on > a Cobra Moray Hydrofoil heading for Cobra Island. Tsuneo: Stowed away? Rick: She disguised herself as a tourist on the "Cobra Island Adventure Holiday." > Docking the Moray, > Sylia was awestruck on how well equipped Cobra was to sustain an entire > island. Tsuneo: There's something really wrong with this sentence, but I just can't figure out what it is. > "Hey Moron! Just don't stand there like a tourist; Get your butt in gear! > Grab your shit! Rebecca [Sylia]: But I already flushed. Tsuneo: That was really, really off. > And get to headquarters!" Berated another Viper to Sylia. A frown formed > on her face, since Sylia was not accustomed to being ordered like that. > "Yes sir." Sylia forced herself to say and salute. Dan: [Viper] Now say it with some conviction! > Climbing onto the back > of a troop transport, Sylia sat down next to Vipers, Tele Vipers, Motor > Vipers and Eels (Cobra Frogmen); as the transport drove off towards the > Terrodrome. Dan [Tour Guide]: On the left you can see Cobra International Airport, which is where we stage all our air operations from. Others: Oooh. Dan [Tour Guide]: And on the right is the Baroness's private beach house. We advise you to keep your heads down. Others: Aaaah. Dan [Tour Guide]: Up ahead is the testing grounds where we try out new equipment. Rick: What's with the big green and purple tank? Dan [Tour Guide]: Pay no attention to that, it's just another random crossover. > Looking out the rear of the truck, Sylia watched Trouble Bubble flight pods Tsuneo: Uck. Rebecca: Having a relapse? Tsuneo: Yes. Rebecca: I'll get the monk. Tsuneo: ...I'm fine. > and Firebats patrolled from the air; Stuns and Stinger jeeps patrolled > from the ground. Dan: Well it would be pretty stupid if it was the other way around. > Sylia sat back on the bench and was worried that she > might have bit off more than she could chew, Tsuneo: Oh, now you think of that. > but there was no turning back; just find Mackie and get the hell off > the island. That was her mission. Rick: Should she choose to accept it. > Once inside the Terrordrome, the troop transport came to a halt and the > troops disembarked; Rebecca: To get their overpriced soft drinks and postcards. Rick: Cobra Island. Having a lovely time, wish you were AARGH! > Sylia walked down the corridor taking mental notes > of certain places such as the armory. With a swipe of a level 5 key card > that she found in the uniform permitted access into the armory. Rebecca: Given that the Viper who the card belonged to walked out of a base nearly a month ago and never returned, is it possible that they might have cancelled her access card? Tsuneo: It'd make sense. Question is, would it stop this story? Rebecca: ...Probably not. > Inside Sylia loaded her backpack with ammo clips, C-4 packs and > grenades. Dan: Do you think anyone's going to notice all the weaponry she's carrying? Rick: Are you kidding? For a Cobra trooper, she's under-armed. Dan: Okay then, who let her just wander off on her own? > Going down a few levels, Sylia neared a security lab, just as a Techno Viper a > person in civilian garb walk out. Tsuneo: Care to be any more vague there, fic? Rebecca: Don't you know, that's Zartan disguised as a Nameless Extra. > "You!" The Techno Viper called out to Sylia. "Yes sir?" She said after > walking towards the Techno Viper. "Escort the prisoner back to his quarters > on level 5." Dan: [Viper] And get me a chocolate bar. Rebecca: [Sylia] Yes sir. Dan: [Viper] And a soda. Rebecca: [Sylia] Yes sir. Dan: [Viper] And while you're at it- Rebecca: [Sylia] Do you mind? I'm on a ridiculously improbable undercover mission here! Dan: [Viper] Oh. Carry on then. > "Yes sir." Sylia responded to the Techno Viper. While escorting the > prisoner, she recognized him as Mackie; Dan: It took her that long? Rick: She mistook him for Makoto Mizuhara. > but there was something strange about him, the glazed look in > his eyes and he almost acted like a machine. Tsuneo: So he's turned into an accountant? Dan: [Sylia] I'll just drag him home and feed him some hard-core porn, he'll snap right out of it. > But this will have to wait, she thought while > continuing to escort Mackie to his quarters which were guarded to by > two Crimson Guards. Tsuneo: Question time. Given that a stupid contrivance has just handed her a gift-wrapped Mackie and the Cobras seem content to let her wander aroudn as she pleases, why doesn't she just high-tail it out of there? Dan: The Baroness is cooking a lamb roast. Rebecca: Body count isn't high enough yet. Rick: Because if that happened, we'd have to drag the public safety lecture out for at least ten minutes. > Nodding to them, one of the Siegies opened the door > and allowed the two to enter. > Inside his quarters, the door closed. Sylia looked into Mackie's eyes > which appeared to be lifeless, dead. Rebecca: I guess he's been reading the fic too. > "Mackie!" Sylia yelled as she shook her brother violently. Nothing. > Noticing a metal headband around his forehead, Sylia proceeded to take it off. Tsuneo: Why didn't she think of that earlier? Rick: Remember, BGC looks like the 80s. That could be a fashion accessory. > Almost instantly her brother became more animated, Rebecca: I guess the regular animators got back from their lunch break. > blinking his eyes; then he was a little woozy and his knees buckled. Dan: You sure he's not just drunk? Rick: It's all those late-night Counterstrike sessions against the Haxor Vipers. Dan: They have Haxor Vipers? Rick: They probably would have if the comic lasted. > Grabbing a nearby chair, he sat down; Sylia went > into the bathroom then came out with a glass of water. "Here drink this." > Mackie took the glass from the Viper and started to drink. Dan [Mackie]: Aren't you a little short for a Viper? > "Thank you. You're the only Viper who was ever nice to me." > "That's because I'm not a Viper, Mackie." Stated the Viper as she removed > her helmet to reveal who she was. Rick: Princess Leia! > "Sylia?" Mackie said with much surprise. Dan [Mackie]: Damn. I was hoping for the hot chick in the black leather. Rebecca [Sylia]: Forget it. [Mimes putting the headband back on] > "I'm getting you out of here Mackie. But I want you to stay put, while > I blow the lab to hell." Dan: [Mackie] What happened to rescuing me? > Sylia said as she was about to walk out before > Mackie grabbed her by the arm. "Sis, if you're going to pull this off. > Let's do it together. I have access to that lab." Tsuneo: He just began three sentences and ended none of them. That's got to be some sort of record. > Mackie told his sister as she pulled on her helmet. "Let's go." > Walking out the door, Sylia and Mackie were halted by one of the Crimson > Guards. "Where are you going?" Rick [Mackie]: Out. Dan [Crimson Guard]: When are you coming back? Rick [Mackie]: Later. Dan [Crimson Guard]: You do know you have school tomorrow, young man! > He said pointing his rifle at them. "It's okay I have some work I need to > finish up." Mackie explained to the Crimson Guard. "I need expressed > authorization from Cobra Commander." Rebecca: [Mackie] He signed my library card. Dan: [Crimson Guard] Good enough. > While Mackie was stalling the guard; Sylia pulled out a handgun, equipping > it with a silencer. Dan: [Crimson Guard] Hey, what are you doing? Rebecca: [Sylia] What? Oh, don't mind me. Just keep doing what you're doing. > Then in an instant Sylia put a hole in the heads of the Crimson Guards. Rebecca: Only one hole between the two of them? Dan: Budget cutbacks. > Motioning towards the Crimson Guards laying on the floor near her; > all the emotions in her quickly vanished as she pointed the gun. > Pulling the trigger, she shot several more bullets into the dead > Guardsman's head and chest. Rick: Gruesome. > Sylia watched the body for a moment, > then walked off. Mackie looked back for a moment as he followed Sylia. Dan [Mackie]: I think I'll lay off the perving for a little bit. Yeah. > Approaching the blast doors into the lab, Sylia scanned the area with > her rifle in hand as Mackie punched in his authorization code. The > doors opened to allow them to enter; Rebecca: Wouldn't it also make sense to not give the slave his own access, so he can't get in unsupervised? Tsuneo: Hmm... I'm beginning to wonder how much of the ineptitude of this fic we can actually pass off as just Cobra being itself. > Sylia slowly backpedaled into the lab, until Mackie closed the blast doors. > "Okay, let me disable the security for this room. But I can only keep it > down for a short time, 30 minutes at the most before security is alerted." > Mackie explained. Rebecca: [Sylia] That explains how I was able to get in with a month-old security card. > "Do it." Sylia ordered as she knelt down to remove her backpack; once opened, > she took out several Dan: -Pairs of socks, some trail mix and tent pegs. Rick: Wrong backpack. > C-4 packs. Tsuneo: Did she actually leave anything in that armoury? And didn't anyone wonder why she was wandering along the corridors with an arsenal in her backpack? Rick: Most of these guys carry around a small third-world army on their day-to-day wear. Dan: Besides, everyone capable of making a decision took their lunchbreak at the same time. > Placing the C-4s in several stragtic places, such as placing > the C-4s on the unit where the Hardsuits were charging. Tsuneo: Just another stupid thought... Rebecca: Go on. You're full of them today. Tsuneo: If the hardsuits are, as described, "identical to the Knight Sabres'," why doesn't she steal one? Rick: She doesn't like the paint job. > "Sis! We're almost out of time!" Mackie yelled to Sylia after he looked > at his watch. Rebecca: How long can it take to plant C4 charges? Rick: She's only moving at thew rate of a foot per minute. It would be faster, but she's searching for traps and secret doors. > "I'm through here. C-4s are set for 10 minutes and the clock is running!" > Sylia told Mackie. Following his sister running out the lab and down the > corridor. "The vehicle bay is two levels down, there's a tunnel that leads > to the airfield" Mackie informed the leader of the Knight Sabers. Rebecca [Sylia]: How do you know all this? Rick [Mackie]: I've death matched on this level before. > Suddenly the alarms within the Terrordrome went off as they approached the > elevator. "Oh shit! They're on to us!" Sylia said as she turned to see a > squad of Vipers coming towards them. All [British]: Run away! Run away! > "In the elevator, now!" Sylia barked at Mackie while tossing a couple of > hand grenades and firing her rifle at the incoming Vipers. Rick: No-one was actually hurt, of course. > The elevator proceeded down to the vehicle bay; Sylia took the opportunity > to reload her rifle with a new ammo clip. Dan: She then used a medipack to get fourty health back. > The elevator reached the vehicle bay, [They all hum elevator music] > Sylia followed by Mackie carefully > walked out and crouched behind some metal barrels and crates. Rick: Cool! Generic incredibly explosive barrels! > Sylia glanced over shoulder with her back aganist the barrels Dan: Are those the "highly flammable" barrels? Rebecca: [Sylia] Mackie, you take point. > then turned to Mackie. "Mackie, I want you head for > that jeep and lay low. Make sure you're not spotted." Rick: [Mackie] Is it okay to be striped? > Sylia told her brother > as she pointed to the black jeep with a missile launcher. Rick: And fourteen missiles. Tsuneo: How do you figure that? Rick: Everything in Cobra has at least fourteen missiles. > Sylia ran in the > opposite direction and place C-4s on a fuel truck and pumps. Taking out a > knife from her boot she punctured the fuel truck. Tsuneo: ...That's one mighty good knife she's got there. > Then > several Motor Vipers spotted her. "Hey, stop her!" Said one of the > Motor Vipers. Using her rifle she shot one of the Motor Viper. Dan: Damn, these guys are dropping like flies. Rick: They're not Named Characters, so it's not really important. > Right behind the other two Motor Vipers was the > Stinger Jeep Mackie was in; Ramming the two. Rebecca: [Sylia] What ever happened to "lay low?" Rick: [Mackie] What, and let you get all the frags? Rebecca: [Sylia] Vulture. > "I'll drive!" Sylia said, climbing into the driver side. Dan: She'd let Mackie drive, but she's afraid he'll be carded. > Once behind the wheel, Sylia > slammed her foot down on the gas and put the jeep into the highest > gear. Tsuneo: CRUNCH! [Sylia] Had the stupid thing in reverse. > With tires squealing, the Stinger jeep sped past several parked > Cobra Stuns then turned right going down the tunnels towards the airfield. Rebecca [Sylia]: I won't show any mercy. Buahahahahaha! Rick [Mackie]: Sis, you're a different person behind the wheel. > Just then the C-4s exploded mixed the gasoline > caused a chain reaction destroying the vehicle bay and inflicting considerable > damage within the Terrordrome. Dan: The worst thing is that it wasn't insured. > In the Command Center, alarms blaring when the vehicle bay was destroyed. > Tele Vipers scrambled to their posts to get damage assessments, causalities > and coordinate medical and damage control teams. Dan [Techno Viper]: Everything's all messed up, sir. Rick [Cobra Commander]: Can't you be a bit more specific? Dan [Techno Viper]: The whatsits are broken, the whathamacallits are all bent and there's junk all over the doohickies. Rick [Cobra Commander]: We are in trouble! > "What the hell is the meaning > of this!" demanded Cobra Commander as he walked in. Tsuneo: I think it means "Stuff blew up". > "Sir, we have damage reports coming in; the lab where the prototypes > were kept was destroyed along with the vehicle bay and several levels > of Terrordrome too." A Crimson Guard informed the Commander. Dan: [Cobra Commander] Where? Which levels? Rick: [Crimson Guard] Right below this command center. [Pause] Dan: [Cobra Commander] What's that creaking noise? > "Where > are they?" Asked the Commander barely keeping the anger out of his voice. Tsuneo: Here's one way to tell; follow the trail of destruction. > "One of the Tele Vipers is getting a fix on their location." > The Siegie answered; Cobra Commander walked over to the computers, > looking over a Tele Viper's shoulder; Rick [Tele Viper]: Do you mind? > the Tele Viper informed him that Sylia and Mackie stole a Stinger jeep > and were headed for the airfield. Rebecca: Unfortunately, they're doing it in peak hour traffic. It'll take them forever to get there. Tsuneo: They could use the Rail Link. [Everyone sniggers derisively] > "Inform Air Control Security to stop them!" The > Commander ordered as his hand flew to his helmet feeling a headache coming > on. Dan: You think that's bad, wait till you try to explain it to the boss on the weekly report. > Seeing daylight at the end of the tunnel, Rebecca: Actually, that's an oncoming train. > Sylia pressed down on the gas pedal to get more > speed out of the Stinger. Dan: You mean she wasn't already? Rick: [Neddie Seagoon] You mad fool! We're already doing eight miles an hour! > Out of the tunnel the jeep sped towards the airfield. > Approaching the checkpoint Sylia noticed the crossing gate was lowered. The > jeep rammed the crossing gate into the airfield, which a firing line of Stuns > blockaded. Tsuneo: Is that the firing line blockaded the gate, or the firing line was behind the gate or... MY BRAIN HURTS! Rick: Don't worry, this is the climatic action sequence. It'll be over soon. Tsuneo: Thank you. Rick: Or at least this part. Tsuneo: ... > "Mackie when I > give the word... jump" Sylia said as she and Mackie got ready. A few seconds > more as the Stinger came closer to the Stuns. Dan: Are those Stuns actually firing, or are they just sitting there? > "Now!" Sylia said before they > both jumped out of the Stinger, rolling onto the ground. Just before the > Stinger slammed into a Stun the crew bailed. Rebecca: It's GI Joe! Everone always jumps out of their vehicle at the last second. > "This way!" Sylia told Mackie, running to a hanger on the left. > Inside Sylia found a Firebat prepped and ready for launch. Tsuneo: Any more ridiculous conveniences and it'll be... Um... Rick: An episode of Scooby Doo? Dan: The entire Fox Kids lineup? > Climbing in > Mackie and Sylia and strapped themselves in, while Sylia taxied the > Firebat out onto the runway. Rick: Hey, ah, how are she and Mackie fitting into a cramped, one-man fighter? Dan [Mackie]: All righty! Being kidnapped must be the best thing ever to happen to me! > On the runway the Firebat picked up speed while Trouble Bubble flight pods Tsuneo: Tru- Rebecca: Monk. Tsuneo: I'm fine. > strafed the runway just as the firebat took off into the air. Rick: [Mackie] So we're launching in the midst of massed weapons fire? Rebecca: [Sylia] Yep. Rick: [Mackie] And we're heading into massive AAA cover? Rebecca: [Sylia] Almost certainly. Rick: [Mackie] Bring it on. > Back in the Terrordrome, Cobra Commander was not pleased. "What do you mean > they've escape! You Fool!" Berated the Commander as he grabbed the Viper by > the collar. Not letting him get a word in, the Commander ordered. "Scramble > a Rattler flight after them!" Rebecca: Well that should work. The Firebat is a small, high-speed dash plane. The Rattler's a big slow attack plane. He should send out Night Ravens to get them instead. Tsuneo: How do you know so much about this stuff anyway? Rebecca: I had lots of the toys as a kid. Tsuneo: Your parents got their daughter GI Joe toys? Rebecca: I made 'em. > Speeding across the gulf of Mexico, Dan: The Highway Patrol in hot pursuit. > Sylia entered a course for Japan in the navigational > computer of the Firebat. "At our present speed, our ETA for Megatokyo is in several > hours." Sylia mentioned to Mackie. Rick: If you look to your left and right, you will find that there are no emergency exits. In the advent of an emergency, death is certain. In the advent of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, Oxygen Masks will be released from Tom's ass. Your in flight movie is "Alive." Thankyou for flying with Cobra Valujet airlines. > "Looks like we're in the clear." Mackie said until an erie beeping began Rick: [Mackie] We're all gonna die! > and > Sylia glanced at the onboard radar. "Not just yet. I'm picking up 3 objects > on an intercept course." Sylia stated as she looked at more of the equipment > for more information. Rebecca: And then she remembered that the Firebat is light on creature comforts, and began worrying. > "Signals confirmed, I have 3 Cobra Rattlers on intercept. > They've must have been scrambled from Cobra Island. Mackie strap in tighter if > you can; Dan [Mackie]: But there's only one seat and you're in it... Not that I mind, though. > We may have to go into a combat situation." Sylia added. > Closing in on the Firebat, Weasel communicated with the other two > Rattlers. "Wild Weasel to flight group, prepare to engage." Wild Weasel > said as he launched a missile. Dan: [Cobra Pilot] Hey, you said "prepare," not "open fire!" Rick: [Weasel] I'm the leader here, I get first shot. > "Releasing Countermeasures!" Sylia told herself as she released a few > chaff bursts from the Firebat. With a burst of speed the red jet climbed > higher into atmosphere, then dropping down behind a Rattler. "I've got a > lock! Fire!" Tsuneo: So just who is she reporting too? Dan: Mackie. He couldn't fit in right-way up, y'see... > said Sylia as she launched a missile at her target. Tracking > its target the missile followed the Rattler then destroyed it. > "Omega 3 to Omega Leader. We've just lost Omega 2." Omega 3 said through > Wild Weasel's headset. Wild Weasel said nothing. Dan: [Weasel] Dramatic dogfight and I only get one line. Call my agent! > The pilot of the 2nd Rattler was stupid enough to challenge Sylia to a > game of chicken. Rebecca: Hint: Never do this to a plane who's main gun spits out 30mm Depleted Uranium Slugs at 4200 RPM. Tsuneo: Don't you know, Sylia's got the story on her side. Rebecca: Silly me. I forgot that the more heavily armoured and armed plane has to loose. > Sylia not being one to play such games waited till the Rattler was within > a 1000 feet away before she launched two missiles at her opponent. Tsuneo: "Was within 1000 feet away?" So was that before or after the 100 feet line? > Now a fierce dogfight broke out between Sylia and Wild Weasel. Dodging > and trying to strafe each other. Wild Weasel noticed Sylia skills as a > pilot and was impressed. Dan: Say, does Sylia have any experience as a combat jet pilot? Rick: No, but she's fully instrument rated on Microsoft Flight Simulator. > Despite that they continued to fight out this > stalemate for an hour, until they both checked their guns, and discovered > they were empty. Rick: Hey, WW, you do know that there's a gun turret on your plane... Rebecca: Of course, most dogfights are over in minutes. After even short periods of time constantly pulling high-g manoeuvres, one of the pilots will begin to feel the pressures and make a mistake, and then they're dead. Even then, they wouldn't have the fuel to sustain the high speeds needed for such a dogfight, especially considering that they'd probably use their afterburners. Of course, Sylia could just use the Firebat's speed advantage to make a high-speed dash away from WW, and it'd be over. So, in conclusion, this "hour long dogfight" is completely unrealistic and- [The monk blows a c-flat in her ear] Rebecca: We'd better get that thing tuned. > Looking at his fuel gage Wild Weasel was running low on fuel and decided > to return to base. Rick: Or, in his case, the depot. Tsuneo: What? Rick: According to his bio card, Wild Weasel got a lot of his experience from fighting "bus wars" in Africa and Central America. > Sylia veered the Firebat back on its original heading as the Cobra Rattler > came along side the Firebat. Instead of fighting Wild Weasel turned his head > towards Sylia and as a sign of respect Wild Weasel Dan: Raised the middle finger. > saluted her. She did same. > Then Wild Weasel pulled away heading back for Cobra Island. "What was that all > about, Sis?" Mackie asked. Rebecca [Sylia]: I don't know. > After engaging the autopilot she answered. "It is sort of a tradition > between pilots of showing respect to their opponent who fought well." Rebecca: Which would be nice, except he's more of the ruthless napalming peasant villages type of pilot... Dan: But he's a polite one! > Sylia answered as she laid back in her seat and closed her eyes. "Sis?" > Mackie asked > "Hmm?" > "Thanks for coming for me. I knew you were risking your neck for me." > said a grateful Mackie. "Mackie, you're my brother and I love you. I > would walk into hell if I have to." Sylia said with her eyes closed. Rebecca [Sylia]: And now I'll kill you for all the pawing I copped during that flight. > "Sis?" Mackie asked again. "Hmm?" Sylia answered a second time. Rick: [Mackie] We're out of fuel, aren't we? > "I thought you were going to grab at the opportunity to nail Cobra > Commander?" Mackie asked his sister, Sylia looked thoughtful for a minute, > before she closed her eyes again. "I've thought about it. But your welfare > was more important to me than revenge." Rick: And then she realised that she used up all her fuel fighting Wild Weasel. > At 11:00pm Tokyo time the Firebat approached Sylia's private airstrip, > with the Knight Sabers already there and lit the running lights so Sylia > could start her final approach. Dan: And no-one noticed. > Sylia gradually reduced her airspeed and > kept the nose up as the Firebat drew closer to the ground; Now on the > ground Sylia taxied the Firebat to the hanger. Tsuneo: Intense aircraft landing action! > After getting out of the Firebat, Sylia removed her Viper helmet as she > and Mackie walked towards their friends. > "Geez, Sylia you look like shit!" Priss said to her exhausted leader. Rebecca [Sylia]: Good to see you too. Rick [Sylia]: At least my hair doesn't block out the sun. > Sylia said nothing > as she walked past Priss. "Come on Sylia, I'll give you and Mackie a > ride home." Smiled Linna as the three headed towards Linna's van. Dan: All right! Hot two girl action! Tsuneo: That's "ride home" not "ride at home." Dan: In a fic this stupid, I gotta get my yucks where I can. > Climbing into the passenger side seat, Tsuneo: And you thought the dogfight was exciting. > Sylia collapsed into the seat. "You must be exhausted, Sylia!" Linna > exclaimed. [They all make snoring noises] Rebecca: [Linna] Never mind. > "I am." Sylia whispered as Linna drove off for Sylia's place. Half an > hour Linna arrived at Lady633; Dan: They would have been there earlier, but there was this half-naked Viper looking for a ride to the airport. > Both Mackie and Linna had to carry the > exhausted Sylia to her bedroom. All Linna did was removed Sylia's boots > and covered her with a blanket. Rebecca [Sylia]: Not tonight, Linna. I have a headache. > Waking up the next day, Sylia laid in bed when her eyes shot wide open > after looking at the time. Tsuneo: She's either got transparent eyelids or a really bright clock. > "2:00 PM!" Sylia exclaimed as she threw off > the covers and jumped out off bed. Rick: [Mackie, sleepy] It's too early... > She went into her closet to change > out of the Viper uniform into a white short sleeved blouse and slacks. Rick: Not and ADP uniform? Rebecca: [Sylia] Now what blatantly obvious disguise shall I wear today? > "Good afternoon, Sis." Mackie greeted Sylia as she walked into the > living room, delighted by the aroma of fresh coffee. Rick: Must have... caffeine... Must consume... > "God I never really oversleep, but I guess I needed that." > Sylia spoke to Mackie as she sat down on the couch. Noticing a pot of > coffee on a heating plate, she picked up a cup and poured herself some > coffee. After placing the pot back on the heating plate; Rick: Then it exploded in a giant fireball with flames and people yelling and screaming and running all over the place! Tsuneo: What? Rick: Well it would be a change from this intense coffee-sipping action. > Sylia picked > up the front page of the newspaper. Letting out a sigh upon reading an > article about several incidents of Vehicular Manslaughter by a lone car Tsuneo: Same old same old then. Dan: Everyone always says it was one lone car. I think there was a second car behind the grassy knoll. > against a biker gang. A nagging feeling began in the back of her mind was > telling her the Knight Sabers would be called back into action. Rebecca [Sylia]: What we need is a very, very big cat. > Back on Cobra Island, Cobra Commander watched with displeasure as > damage control teams worked on reparing the lab the prototype hardsuits > were kept. "Ms. Stingray and her Knight Sabers will suffer for this! > I Cobra Commander swear it!" Rick: Uh-huh. Whatever. So where have you put them on the vengeance queue? Dan: [Cobra Commander] Right below a few Kenner executives. > The Commander said with anger in > his reptilian voice. Then a Techno Viper approached the Commander, > "Cobra Commander, the Tele Viper have reported that all the project data > is still intact along with the test data." Tsuneo: This is going to sound stupid, but why didn't Sylia think of that and do something about the data? Rebecca: You're right, it did sound stupid. > "Excellent! Splendid! The lost of the prototypes are a small lost compared > to project's blueprints and test data. With the data still intact we can > proceed to mass production." Replied the Commander to his Techno Viper. Dan: [Techno Viper] Uh, sir, do you know how much these cost? Rick: All they need to do is kidnap a few more white-haired scientists and they're set! > "Yes sir!" exclaimed the Techno Viper as she saluted Cobra Commander. Dan: Is it just me, or are there a lot of female Vipers around the place all of a sudden? Rick: It's the Sonada version of Cobra, all right. > A couple minutes later, Cobra Commander entered in his office. Sitting > down in his chair, he propped his feet up on the desk. "Once our hardsuits > go into mass production and research and delevlopment has been completed > on the BAT/Boomer hybrid; Cobra will be unstoppable! No one will stop me; > Not GI Joe, neither Ms. Stingray and her Knight Sabers nor Genom. THE > WORLD WILL BELONG TO ME, COBRA COMMANDER!!!!!" Rebecca: Yeah, yeah, you say that every time. Dan: [Globulus] Ahem! > Exclaimed the Commander before letting out an insane laugh. Dan [Destro]: Nice laugh. Rick [Cobra Commander]: Thanks. I've been working on it. > The End. > Send comments to Mrx135@hotmail.com Rebecca: You stink. > Bubblegum Crisis is property of Amineigo/Youmex > Bubblegum Crisis is created by Toshimichi Suzuki and Kenichi Sonoda > GI Joe are Property of Hasbro and Sunbow entertainment All rights reserved. [Tsuneo gets up and exits through one of the side doors. A few seconds later, he re-emerges wearing a ceremonial hat and carrying the electronic monk's dismembered kendo stick arm. He steps up to the TV and strikes it repeatedly] Tsuneo: Out! Out, you demons of stupidity! Out! Dan: Whoa! That's... Rick: I never knew you were a Shinto priest. Tsuneo: I did a correspondence course. It looks good on my resume. Voice: Um... That's new, at least. Rebecca: So we managed to surprise you again? Voice: Sort of. Can I have your reviews now? Tsuneo: That... was about the worst crossover idea I've ever seen. And that's all I'm going to say. Voice: Fine. Someone else? Dan: I gotta say, this fic was so damned stupid [Rebecca sniggers] I mean, no-one thinks of the obvious things or the easy way to do stuff. Sylia runs off to do everything alone, no-one notices mysterious black jets and all, and to top it all off, Sylia wrecks Cobra Island all on her lonesome. Rick: Okay, I'll be the first to admit that Cobra in the GI Joe cartoon wasn't the most on the ball organisation. They came up with the loopiest plots possible for world domination, while overlooking all the obvious ones. They were terrible with security and tended to get beaten by Pro Wrestlers, parrots and any old idiot that GI Joe had drafted that day. Allowing for all that, however, Cobra is depicted as exceptionally stupid in this fic. Rebecca: Can I use my rant about the dogfight above as my review? Voice: No. Rebecca: Fine. I like the GI Joe comic better. [Tsuneo bashes the TV a few more times] Voice: I think it's dead now. Tsuneo: You can't be too sure. Dan: Come on, let's get out of here. Rebecca: Gawds... Somebody get this fic off my mind. Rick: I've got Thundercats tapes. Rebecca: First season? Rick: First season. Dan: Invisible naughty bits and all? Rick: You betcha! Tsuneo: Thunder-what? [Rick and Rebecca stand and grab Tsuneo by his arms] Rebecca: Come on, we'll learn you. [The screen goes blank. Sounds of a struggle can be heard] Tsuneo: Help me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Episode 116, Undocumented Features pt 2 - Pedantic Man --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1994-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Waking up the next day, Sylia laid in bed when her eyes shot wide open > after looking at the time.