Elmer Studios presents... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 130 sees the continuation of the Crisis of Infinite Temps as the Elmer Studios pick new victims, er, volunteers for the much needed fourth slot. Bubblegum Crisis: Tokyo 2040 is copyright AIC. Robocop is copyright Columbia/Tri-Star Robocop/Bubblegum Crisis 2040: Lost in an Alternate Universe is copyright RobotwtsuwanBat and ShadowHawk ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Rebecca, Natasha, Dan and Tsuneo are seated around the TV, which switches off.] Tsuneo: So guys, what did you think? Dan: Sweet Vulcan booty! Tsuneo: ...what? Dan: Sweet Vulcan booty! It's the best thing on that show. I've only seen one episode's worth, and I can't wait to see more. Tsuneo: I take it that means you liked it. Anyone else? Rebecca: Well, I'm actually impressed. Tsuneo: For you on a Star Trek show, that's good. This is coming from the girl who snored loudly during "Emissary". Rebecca: In my defence, I can only say that I wasn't as loud as Dan. Dan: Let's not go there. Tsuneo: SO what Impressed you? Rebecca: Well, it was the way it was kind of "Non-Trek" in a "Avoiding clean, PC, happy cloying twee 90's trek" and more of a return to "Rip your shirt off and hit the alien" 60's Trek, which is a definite improvement. Dan: Can the Sweet Vulcan Booty rip her shirt off? [Rebecca hits him] Rebecca: I can foresee the show being more about getting out there and doing "space stuff" while biffing aliens and less about everyone whining over their love lives and worrying about how their kids will grow up for seven seasons. So I liked it. Natasha: Note how they avoided saying "Star Trek" throughout. I'm trying to think what this means. Rebecca: Voyager and DS9 blew goats? Natasha: Probably. Rebecca: Aside from that, what did you think? Natasha: Well, after the aforesaid two shows, anything's an improvement. But I think it was good to see something different. I think they wanted to get away from relying on super-technology to do everything. Notice how they have a grapple line instead of a tractor beam, for example. It has a kind of "frontier" feel, like TOS did. Rebecca: They have TOS after the apocalypse? Natasha: TOS is everywhere, don't you know? Tsuneo: Actually, it felt more "Babylon Five" than it did "TOS," and I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Things were grimy and well, realistic. The characters were quirky without being tokens, and the society as a whole felt a lot more like modern day Earth and less like the sanitised pseudo- socialist enlightened bore of Star Trek. Rebecca: You've got a point there. they did seem to be taking more cues from B5 than the other Treks. Dan: Yeah, like putting the babes in tight pants rather than short skirts. Sweet Vulcan booty! Tsuneo: Okay, we get the picture. You liked T'Pal already. Dan: Who? Tsuneo: You know, T'Pal. Dan: Sorry, don't follow you. Tsuneo: The Vulcan science officer! Dan: Oh, you mean- Tsuneo: [Rolls eyes] Yes, the sweet Vulcan booty. Dan: Yeah, but I never bothered to learn her name. Rebecca: Pretty typical of your track record, I'd say. Tsuneo: But I did like the characters myself, especially the captain. Even if he did seem a little too much like Jeffery Sinclair. Rebecca: I must agree. The characters were far less "Gimmicky" than past Trek shows. There are no exotic aliens, nobody with funky powers, no androids or symbiotes or cyborgs or genetically-engineered wankerboys. Natasha: You forgot holograms. Rebecca: The hologram was cool. Natasha: True. Tsuneo: So over all? Rebecca: I liked it. Natasha: Me too. Dan: Sweet Vulcan bo- Tsuneo: That's a "yes." Voice: Morning everyone. Rebecca: And good morning to you, Modam. Tsuneo: Modam? Rebecca: Iron Man villain. Modok in drag. Tsuneo: Ew! Voice: ... Natasha: Does this happen every time? Dan: I'd be lying if I said no. Natasha: Cool. Voice: What are you all doing here so early? Tsuneo: Reviewing and discussing "Enterprise." We think we like it. Rebecca: Well, I'll say that of the six Trek pilots so far, this one was the only one not to cause me pain, so it's good with me. Voice: Well, now that you've finished, I've got your *real* review for today. Dan: Can't you just pay us for that one? Voice: Sorry, I only pay for the ones I send you. Dan: Ah, nuts. Rebecca: So what's the hurt today, Skull? Voice: The *review* for today is the second half of that Robocop/BGC 2040 fic you watched last time. Rebecca: Bring it on GreatBigHeadInTheSky. Voice: I knew you'd do that. [The TV switches on] Natasha: How'd you pronounce the capitals? Rebecca: I'm a genius. > Robocop/Bubblegum Crisis 2040: Lost in an Alternate Universe > Chapter 4: Upgrade Rebecca: I upgraded my Robocop to version 3.31 just last week. Tsuneo: Any good? Rebecca: Naw, it still crashes half-way through the movie. > By RobotwtsuwanBat and ShadowHawk Natasha: Based on characters created by ScriptWritingHack and BabesonBikesGuy. > We don't own the characters involved. > Genom Headquarters... Dan: Meanwhile, in a secret fortress located deep in the Himalayan mountains... > Mason headed for Quincy's office. "Hello, sir," he said. > "How could you?" Quincy asked. > "How could I what?" asked Mason. Dan [Quincy]: You know! Tsuneo [Mason]: I do? Dan [Quincy]: You do! Tsuneo [Mason]: I do? Dan [Quincy]: You do! Tsuneo [Mason]: I do? Dan [Quincy]: You do! Tsuneo [Mason]: What do I know exactly? Dan [Quincy]: I wouldn't know. > "You sent five Boomers to try and capture the cyborg," Quincy said. Natasha: And then he put them all on his expense account. > "I was only thinking of what we could learn about him," Mason stated. Dan: Why not just go down to a video library instead? > "Bullshit," Quincy said. "Don't try that again." Tsuneo [Mason]: Don't try what again? Dan [Quincy]: You know! Tsuneo [Mason]: I do? Dan [Quincy]: You do! Tsuneo [Mason]: I do? Dan [Quincy]: You do! [Natasha and Rebecca hit them with cushions] > "But, sir, he could prove valuable to us," Mason said. > "ENOUGH," yelled Quincy. Rebecca: Quincy's yelling? How's he managing that? Tsuneo: It'd be more like- Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Tsuneo [Quincy]: Enough. Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. > "You won't go after him again to test him again. Dan: [Quincy] That test cost us an office building. Tsuneo: [Mason] Can I test him at a competitor's office instead? Dan: [Quincy] We have competitors? > He'll be destroyed, got it?" Rebecca: They're going to melt him down and make him into cat food tins. > "Yes, sir," Mason lied as he left. Mason still wanted to test Robocop. Dan: What use do you think Robocop would be to Mason as a part of his huge Sylia/ Galatea/Boomer Messiah/Instrumentality/Whatever conspiracy? Tsuneo: None whatsoever. Dan: So why does he want him then? Tsuneo: Collector's value. Since he's in Robocop 3 packaging, he's even rarer. > Knight Sabers HQ... > The Knight Sabers and Robocop arrived there. Priss and Nene headed for their own ways. Dan: One went back to a pink frilly world of sugar-coated joy, and the other to a bleak, dreary, dead-end life. Natasha: Which one's which? Dan: Um... > "Give me your weapons," said Sylia to Robocop. Robocop handed the Auto-9 and Machine arm > to her. Rebecca [Sylia]: All of them! Dan [Robocop]: Oh, all right. [He hands her a cushion, the Evil Black Furby, a slightly melted Battle Nun Arabella (TM) action figure, both halves of Battletrap, a charred video cassette and a "Don't Go There" Sign] Rebecca [Sylia]: Much better. Tsuneo: [Grabs the sign] Give me that. > "There," Robocop said. > "Linna, tell him about Genom and Boomers," said Sylia. Natasha [Linna]: Why not you? You're the one who seems to know all about them. Rebecca [Sylia]: Fine, but then I'll have to shoot both of you. > "Sure," said Linna. Linna and Robocop walked towards the door. Natasha: [Linna] You come here often? Dan: [Robocop] Only when the oil stirs me. > "After the Earthquake of 2034, Tokyo was rebuilt using Boomers built Genom. Dan: So... Genom was built by the boomers building Tokyo? Tsuneo: I think this fic was proof-read by Yoda. Rebecca [Yoda]: Proof-read the fic I did. Many errors did you make. > Boomers are supposed to help people, but a lot of them go rouge. Tsuneo: Notice how she's saying "boomer" instead of "voomer" throughout. Yet more proof that the authours are just writing classic BGC with the numbers filed off. Dan: I mean, all they've done is given Quincy a big chair and Doc Raven a facelift. > Sylia formed the Knight Sabers to fight them. Dan: And also because she's got this weird thing about girls in rubber underwear. [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion] Rebecca: Well the inner suits do have plugs for the front *and* back... [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] Oh come on! It's BGC 2040! It's fair game! > I'm latest addition to the group. I, sadly, also work for Genom," she > explained. Natasha [Linna]: But I never inhaled. > "Members of the company are involved, I take it," said Robocop. > "Pretty much," said Linna. Dan: Well, they do make them and all... Rebecca: GENOM could never get away with making boomers in the US. They'd be bankrupted by product liability lawsuits. > "The armor are called hardsuits. They are equipped with weapons > to help us fight them." Rebecca: [Linna] Priss breaks them a lot. Natasha: [Priss] Do not! CRASH! Uhm... whoops. > "Who was the boy I met, while leaving?" asked Robocop. Natasha [Linna]: We're not too sure. We think it's Shinji Ikari, Akito Tenkawa or Makoto Mizuhara. Rebecca: Can we go for "all of the above?" > "Mackie, Sylia's brother," said Linna. > "Family," said Robocop. Dan: And shuddered. Rebecca: Not everyone's family is as stuffed up as yours, Dan. Dan: Oh yeah, who here can say they get along well with their parents? [Long pause] Natasha [Puts her hand up]: I don't remember mine. Does that count? > Inside, Robocop replayed another memory. > "I want to be just like you when I grow up." Dan: What, a cyborg killing machine? Natasha: Well, besides that bit. > "Can you do that, Dad?" Dan: Only when mum's not looking. Rebecca: How twee. I think I'm going to be sick. > "Something wrong?" asked Linna. Tsuneo: You're in a BGC/Robocop Crossover. Of course there's something wrong! > Robocop turned to Linna. "Nothing," he said. Rebecca: [Linna] So your acting's always that wooden? Dan: [Robocop] I'm a robot. What's your excuse? > K's Garage... > Nigel was working on a motorcycle when Priss came up. "Well, what brings you here?" Nigel > asked. > "Motor's messed up," Priss said. Rebecca: Another quality pointless scene bought to you by RobotwtsuwanMunky and ShadowHawk! > A.D.P.D. HQ... > Leon was at the shooting area. The fact that Robocop had used bullets still had him > disturbed. "Why the hell would a Boomer use bullets," thought Leon. Tsuneo: Because projectile weapons are still the standard for firearms in 2040? Dan [Leon]: Well, yeah, besides that, I mean... > Daily came in. "Still wondering about the 'Boomer', huh?" he asked. > "Yea," said Leon. > "Well, we don't know who made it or why it uses bullets," said Daily. Dan [Daley]: Or if it has pants on. > "Wong, I'm busy here," said Leon. > "Okay," Daily said as he left. Tsuneo: [Leon] That was easy. > Nene came in. [They all cheer and suddenly stop, like a laugh track] > "Hello, Leonardo," she said. [They all laugh, and suddenly stop.] Tsuneo [Leon as Seinfeld]: Well hello, Nene. > "SHUT UP!!!" Leon shouted. > "Well, bye," Nene said. Natasha: Don't you just love the depth of character in this fic? > Knight Sabers HQ... > Robocop was checking the history of Tokyo/Megalo City. Dan [Robocop]: Who is this "Godzilla" guy who keeps destroying your city? Rebecca [Sylia]: A huge green fire-breathing lizard. Dan [Robocop]: If I ever meet him on my beat [Pause] He's history. > He leaned back in the chair he was > in. "So, The cop I met and the Sabers are the good guy," he thought. Natasha: Does Robocop really carry on like this? Dan: Nah, he's too animated here. > Sylia came in. "The weapons are ready," she said. Dan: [Robocop] What were you doing to them anyway? Rebecca: [Sylia] Oh, don't ask and don't press the big red button on the bottom. > Robocop got up and followed her into the > training room. She handed him the Auto-9. Natasha [Sylia, British]: Now pay attention, 007... > "Fire it," she said, pointing to a hologram of a > Boomer. Robocop began firing it at the hologram. It was firing laser blast at rapid fire > pace. Tsuneo: And how long did this take her? Rebecca: [Sylia] I made it in my spare time. It's made of coconuts. > Robocop stopped. > "What did you do?" he asked. Rebecca [Sylia]: I upgraded you to Cartoon Robocop. Now all your weapons fire non lethal laser beams. Tsuneo [Robocop]: That sucks. What good is it being a cop if I can't waste people? > "Upgraded your weapons," she said. "Try the Machine arm." Dan: Is the Machine Arm anything like the Gekigan Fist? > He removed his left hand and put on the Machine arm. Tsuneo: The official most used stock footage in this fic. Dan: What about the other way around? Tsuneo: They play it in reverse. > He fired the machine gun part of it. > It also shot laser blasts at rapid fire pace. He then tried the missile launcher part of > it. It shot out energy blasts that caused explosions. Natasha: The laws of physics be damned, Robocop wants a bigger gun! Rebecca: Not Anime physics. In Anime physics *everything* explodes. Dan: He's now got a laser beam and about 14 missiles! It's the new Cobra-Model Robocop! > He then tried the flamethrower. The flamethrower wasn't upgraded. "I see the > flamethrower wasn't upgraded," Robocop said Tsuneo: Thank you! Somebody's putting the breaks on this Monty Haul routine. > as he > removed the machine arm and put his left hand back on and his Auto-9 back in its holster. Dan: Did he do the spinning thing first? Inquiring minds want to know! > "Well, that was already dangerous to Boomers," Sylia said. Rebecca: In the most marginal way of any of his weapons, but still dangerous. > "Genom's been experimenting with Interdimensional technology. Dan: [Robocop] Wasn't that just a rumour? Rebecca: [Sylia] I heard a rumour of a story of an alleged focus group where a quote taken out of context indicates that Genom is experimenting with interdimensional technology. Dan: [Robocop] It must be true. > I think that's why you are here." Dan: You reckon? Natasha: Either that or he was sent to the wrong address. > "Very likely," said Robocop. "Why did you bring me here the first time?" Rebecca: [Sylia] It seemed like a good idea at the time. Natasha: [Sylia] I was out of spare parts. > "To test and save you," Sylia said. Dan: Not necessarily in that order. > "Besides, you didn't seem like a Boomer." Tsuneo: Was it the fact that he had distinct weapons or the fact that he wasn't bloated and messy-looking? Natasha: Nah, I think it was just the face. > "That's true," said Robocop. > "Look, Alex," said Sylia. "I'll try to get you back to your universe." Dan [Robocop]: Can you do that? Rebecca [Sylia]: Oh yes. The voices in my head told me how to. > "Thank you," said Robocop. Then Robocop went back to the table he was on when he was first > there, undid the drills that held his helmet, Rebecca: [Sylia] Weird. Dan: [Robocop] Don't you unscrew your head at night? Rebecca: [Sylia] No, someone else already did that. > put it on another table, and went to "sleep". Tsuneo: So what does he do when he wants to "wake up" as such? Rebecca: Somebody presses a big red button on the dashboard. Dan: Double Obscure! > Genom Headquarters... > Mason was in his office. Tsuneo: [Mason] Okay, memo from me, to me. Take the old coot's job. > He began to rub his neck when he felt something. He picked it up. > "So, the robot put a tracker on me," he thought. Tsuneo: How it migrated from his pant leg to his neck is anyone's guess. > "Hook, line, and bait." Dan [Geeky]: Sinker, sir. Tsuneo [Mason]: I meant sinker. Really. Now I have to kill you. Dan: [Geeky] Will that effect my salary? [Pause] Tsuneo: [Mason] No. > K's Garage... > Nigel got done fixing Priss's motorcycle. "Here ya go," he said. > "Here," she said giving him the money it cost to fix it. She then got on and left. Natasha: Well that was a waste of time. > The Knight Sabers H.Q.... > Linna was that Robocop was asleep. Rebecca [Sylia]: What a big baby. Three glasses of warm milk *and* a story and it took him forever to shut up. > "Look, Sylia, I'm gonna go," said Linna. > "Bye," said Sylia. Dan: Thrill as Linna *goes home for the night!* > Inside Robocop's mind... Natasha: Wow, how many more intensely short scenes can we handle? > Robocop was remembering sometime after the incident with John and the killer who John > killed. Tsuneo: Well that was a clumsy way to put it. Natasha: And the killer of John who killed the killer who John killed and... [She trails off] > "Where are you transferring to?" asked John. Tsuneo: Out of this crappy fanfic, with any luck. > "Metro South," Alex said. > "Pretty rough." Dan: It's so rough, even the roaches wear body armour. > "Yeah, well." Dan: Well. Tsuneo: Yeah. Dan: Yeah. Tsuneo: Well. Dan: Well. Tsuneo: Yeah. Dan: Yeah. Tsuneo: Well. [Rebecca and Natasha lay about with cushions] Natasha: Right. Now don't do it again. > "Alex, the guy would have walked..." > "Don't say it." Rebecca: [John] "It". Natasha: [Alex] Aaagh! I told you not to say it! > "You're always welcomed to come back." Dan: Two weeks later Alex came back and spent the next month lunging around in his underpants, drinking all the beer. John was eating his words. Tsuneo: Now that sounds like somebody I know. Dan: Hey! I at least had my trousers on! > Robocop woke up. Sylia held a sling with two attachments on it and the Machine arm. Rebecca: Any sort of attachments? Natasha: An external hard drive and a scanner. > "Thought this would make it easier to keep up with the gun arm and hand," she said as she > put the Machine arm on one of the attachments. Tsuneo: So what is this "attachment" and why does it make it easier to use the Machine Arm? Dan: Well, it's an attachment, obviously. > She then put it on the table that Robo's > helmet was on. Rebecca: You know, that'd make a pretty neat salad bowl. Natasha: It's not like it does anything useful in its current job. > "Thanks," said Robocop. He then went back to sleep as Sylia left. > Genom Headquarters... Dan: Meanwhile, back at Snake Mountain. > Mason got on the commlink with a scientist. "I want Boomers all over the first floor," > ordered Mason. Tsuneo: He doesn't like the current wallpaper there. > "But, sir..." stated the doctor. > "But, nothing," said Mason. "GET IT DONE!" Dan [Mason]: THIS I COMMAND! Rebecca [Scientist, muttered]: Yes, oh high and mighty toilet hog. Tsuneo: [Scientist] We'll see who has the last laugh when one of us ends up with a pole stuck up his- [Normal] Did I just say that? > "Yes, sir," said the scientist. Mason leaned back and smirked. Dan [Mason]: It's soooo good to be evil. > The Knight Sabers H.Q.... > Robocop was having a dream based on a memory. Tsuneo: They're really working that stock footage in this one. Dan: Any more, and we'd have the BGCrash suit-up sequence. > In Robocop's mind... Dan: All right! Here's the secret pr0n stash. Natasha: Don't get too excited. It's all PCs without their casings on. And why'd you say "pron?" Dan: Damn. > "They made this to honor him." Natasha: A basket of commiseration cheeses. > "No." > "Your husband is dead." > "No." Dan [Robocop]: He has gone before, he has ceased to be. He has crawled down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-cop. > "I don't know you." > "This can't be happening." Natasha: Well if you say so. But I think the fact that there's a robot standing in front of you with your husband's face says that it is. > Robocop woke up. He got up and grabbed his helmet. He put it on and put the nails in > place. Dan: [Robocop] Ow. Ow. Ow. Damn that hurts. Ow. > He then grabbed sling that the Machine arm was now attached to. He put it over his > shoulder. He walked to the armory and grabbed some blasters. Natasha: Does Sylia normally leave a supply of BFGs lying around? Tsuneo: Um, no. Natasha: So where did the guns come from? Dan: Priss was cleaning out her trailer. > He then walked to the garage and took a motorcycle. He got on and Rebecca: It collapsed under his weight. > rode off. Tsuneo: I assume all this time nobody's noticed any of this. I also assume that there are no alarms on the motorbikes or the doors to prevent somebody from doing something like this, right? Natasha: Look, Sylia's a genius who builds hardsuits out of old boomer bits and wields super-technology with ease. You can't expect her to think of *everything*, can you? > The Hot Legs Bar... > Priss arrived. "Sorry, I had to leave," she said. "I had some business to take care off." Dan [Band member]: This happens every time. Rebecca [Priss]: Yeah. Dan [Band member]: So we've dumped you for someone who's a bit more reliable and not going to run off at the drop of a hat. Rebecca [Priss]: Who? Dan [Band member]: Yellow Belmont. Tsuneo: Obscure with added reference bonus! > "Let's start then," said Maxon. Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, the three-line scene! > A half-hour later, on a road... Dan [Singing, badly]: On the toad again... just can't wait to get on the toad again... Natasha: My, what an excellent impersonation of a country singer after massive head injury. Rebecca: Would you notice the difference? > Robocop stopped. Dan: [Robocop] Now where was I going anyway? > He looked up and saw he was at Genom Headquarters. He got off and > entered. "Where are the executives offices?" Robocop asked. Tsuneo: [Geeky] Do you have an appointment? Dan: [Robocop] Curses! > "Top floor," said the guard. Tsuneo: Where else would they be, logically thinking? Natasha: A concrete bunker in the middle of the desert? Tsuneo: Only for Australian Telcos. > "Where is the development lab that the Interdimensional technology is" Robocop asked. Tsuneo: [Geeky] Don't ask me, I just work here. Dan: [Robocop] It's your job to know. Tsuneo: [Geeky] Sorry, it's my first day in this position. [Long pause] Dan: [Robocop] Is that gaping head wound fresh? Tsuneo: [Geeky] That was my demotion. > "Top secret," said the guard. Rebecca: While secretly wondering what the hell he was jabbering about. > Robocop grabbed the guard by the shirt. "Where's the development lab where > Interdimensional technology is?" asked Robocop. Dan: That's it. No more mister nice cyborg. > "B-basement," the guard said, frightened. Tsuneo: It's a good thing they keep the Nameless Flunkies up to date with the things that Man Was Not Meant To Know. Rebecca: They may be an evil organisation, but they have good communication skills. > "Thank you," said Robocop. > "You're not going anywhere," said a voice. > Robocop turned around to see Mason and ten Boomers. Natasha: How'd he get there without anyone noticing? Rebecca: They were all hiding behind a potplant. > "You're mine," Mason said. Tsuneo: [Mason] I had to fight off three collectors and a troublemaker on E-bay, but you're mine! > "Yeah, right," said Robocop. Robocop switched from his left hand to his machine arm and > blasted all ten Boomers to bits. All: ... Rebecca: You don't think these guys are actually Koopa in disguise? Tsuneo: Quite possibly. He did write a lot of BGC stuff. > Mason ducked. He then got on an elevator and headed for > the top floor. > "Damn, better warn Qunicy," said Mason. Tsuneo: I think he'd know by now. Dan: [Quincy] Mason! What was that noise? Tsuneo: [Mason] Uhm... Mice! Big ones! > To be continued... > Robocop/Bubblegum Crisis 2040: Lost in an Alternate Universe > Chapter 5: Now or Never > By RobotwtsuwanBat and ShadowHawk Rebecca: Reviewed by WeCouldn'tCareLess and TheBoredGuys. > We don't own the characters involved. Dan: Not like it's going to stop them or anything. > Genom Headquarters... > The elevator Robocop was in stopped. Natasha [Chirpy]: Welcome to X-Press lifts. Today's lift will be travelling 2047 floors. Your in-lift movie is Gone with the Wind. In the advent of an in-lift emergency, death is certain. Cyanide capsules can be found under the seats. To use capsules, break open and place under the tongue like this. [She keels over] [The others applaud discreetly] Natasha: Thank you. [She sits] > Robocop got out and walked towards Quincy's office. Dan: How'd Robocop get here before Mason? Natasha: There was a kid in Mason's lift who pressed every button, all the way up to orbit. > He kicked down the door. Quincy looked up. "YOU'RE THAT DAMN CYBORG!!!" exclaimed Quincy. Natasha: Goddam cyborgs! Can't stand 'em! Dan [Robocop]: No shit. > "Yes, I am," said Robocop. Robocop raised his gun at Quincy. "Are you Quincy Rosenkreutz?" Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Tsuneo [Quincy]: No. Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Dan [Robocop]: Oh, that's okay then. Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Tsuneo [Quincy]: Sucker. Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. > "Yes," said Quincy. > "If I do not make it out of this universe, I am taking you in," said Robocop. Dan [Robocop]: Just as soon as I call a tow truck. Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Tsuneo [Quincy]: Just tap your armoured boots together three times and say... Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Dan: [Robocop] Okay. Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Tsuneo [Quincy]: That's not funny! Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. > "Call off the Boomers." > "It'll be done," said Quincy. Robocop left the office. Tsuneo: Psst! You forgot the denouement! Dan: [Robocop] Oh yeah. Whoops. > Quincy got on the commlink. "I WANT > ALL BOOMERS TO DESTORY THAT FUCKING CYBORG!!!" Natasha: He's pretty easily excited for such a senile old goat. Rebecca: Well he changed his mind pretty quick. > The Elevator... Natasha: [Chirpy] ...and for an additional fee, you can order an in-lift meal or sedatives to taste. > Robocop got on, knowing Quincy will likely not do as he said. The elevator stopped at the > basement. Robocop got off to see that there are Boomers all over. Rebecca: Don't you hate it when come home and find that somebody's left boomers lying all over the place? > Robocop looked around. Dan [Robocop]: There's just one of me and umpty-dozen of them. The poor fools. > He pulled out his gun. Tsuneo: Oh yeah, I'm just going to have to see this one a million more times. > With his machine arm attached, he began to fire at the Boomers. The > Boomers fired back. Natasha: Strangely, nobody hit a thing. > Twenty Boomers were destroyed, thirty damaged. Dan: Whoah! What's he using in that thing, nuclear missiles? Rebecca: I guess they bought all their boomers form a Koopa surplus sale. > Robocop fell. Natasha: Strangely enough, he hadn't actually been hit. > He got a message a his screen: "POWER LEVER: 70%." Rebecca: Is a Power Lever like the Power Booster Rod? Tsuneo: That's obscure. Rebecca: I try. Tsuneo: But never mention the Power Booster Rod again. EVER. > Robocop continued on to the lab. A missile hit Robocop. Dan: Where'd that come from? Natasha: There's a Rocket Infantryman hiding behind the tree. Dan: What tree? Natasha: The one the Flamethrower Infantryman just set alight. Rebecca: Stupidly obscure! Double points! > Robocop fell and got back up. Dan: [Robocop] I'm getting a little tired of this. > A Boomer got up. Robocop fired a blast at the > missile launcher. The Boomer blew up and damaged some of the structure. Some of the > ceiling and floor collapsed, burying Robocop. Natasha: Natasha yawned. Tsuneo: Tsuneo picked his teeth. Dan: Dan fidgeted. Rebecca: Rebecca hit Dan. [She does] > Quincy's office... > The building shook. Dan: Quincy's office in orbit shook? Man, he did use a frugging nuke! > "I have to put my felling about the A.D.P.D. aside and call them > here," thought Quincy. Natasha: Flub-bleep, flub-bleep. Tsuneo: [Quincy] Call costs from up here are murder. Natasha: Please insert two dollars for the next three flub-bleeps. Tsuneo: [Quincy] Damn. > Quincy got on a commlink. "Mason, are you there?" Dan [Mason as John Cleese]: Yes *dear*, coming *dear*. > "I'm here," said Mason. > "Get off your ass and call the A.D.P.D.," said Quincy. > "But, sir...your feelings toward the A.D.P.D...." said Mason. > "DO IT!!!" ordered Quincy. > "Yes, sir," said Mason. Rebecca: Dan, what were you saying about him being Basil Fawlty? Dan: ...never mind... > A.D.P.D. Headquarters... > "Calling all units, the cyborg is at Genom Headquarters," said the dispatcher. > "All right, officers," ordered Nicholas, "Double time." Natasha: Why bother? Why not let them fight it out and arrest the winner instead? > "Well, Let's go," said Daily. > Leon got to his desk. "I'm ready." Tsuneo [Nicholas]: I meant "go to your vehicles, not your desks." Dan [Leon]: And I meant "I'm ready to stay here and keep all my limbs." > "Let's go," said Nicholas. > Knight Sabers H.Q.... > Sylia headed towards the lab. She was that Robocop was gone. Natasha: Brilliant observation. Why didn't you notice that earlier? Tsuneo: Apparently she *doesn't* have any security systems installed after all. Rebecca: [Sylia] Well, I ran out of money after the- Whoops, shouldn't tell you about that. > She got on a commlink. > "Priss, Linna, Nene, Murphy's gone," she said, concerned. Natasha: Don't you hate it when that happens? You put your Cyborg Cop down, turn around, and when you come back you can't find it anywhere. > A.D.P.D. H.Q.... > Nene ran of to a computer console. She pulled out her commlink. Nene heard Sylia's > message. > "On my way," Nene said. > The Hot Legs Bar... > Priss was done signing when she heard the commlink. "I'm coming," Priss said. Rebecca [Priss]: Off again. Dan [Band member]: Fine. Rebecca [Priss]: You don't give a monkey's, do you? Dan [Band member]: By now, we're beyond caring. > On a road... > Linna was in her car when the commlink went off. Natasha: You should never use a commlink after the expiration date. > "Damn," she muttered as she turned around. Tsuneo: Ha! In 2040 Linna doesn't have a car, she has a Scooter! You've been caught out, fic! This *is* just classic BGC with Linna at a different job! > Genom Headquarters, fifteen minutes later... > A.D. Police cars were arriving. Nicolas, Ellise, Charles, Leon, and Daily got out. Tsuneo: Everyone else cowered in their cars. They were the *smart* ones. > They and 50 officers ran in. They ran down to the basement and saw rubble. Dan: Geez, and I thought my basement was a mess. Compared to this, a an old heater, some decaying magazines in boxes and a mouldy dartboard are nothing. > Robocop got up and > found the sling with the attachments on which his left hand was hooked on one of them. Dan: Huh? Tsuneo: Que pasa? Natasha: Well, it's obvious. His hand is attached to the attachment which is attached to his hand. Others: Oh. > He > grabbed it and put it on his shoulder. He then found his gun and picked it up. "Boomer, > give up," said Nicholas. > "You are making a mistake," said Robocop. Rebecca: Facing down a killer robot who's been ripping apart boomers and is bristling with weapons when you've only got a handgun is a serious mistake. Fortunately, it's one you'll only make once. Dan: [Robocop, laughing] Point three-eight. > "Drop the weapons, Boomer," ordered Nicolas. "You're under arrest." > "I am not a Boomer," said Robocop. "We do not have to do this." > "I said 'Drop the weapons', Boomer," said Nicolas. > "Quit calling me a 'Boomer'," said Robocop. Dan [Nicholas]: Drop your weapons, Boomer! Tsuneo [Robocop]: I'm not a Boomer! Dan [Nicholas]: Drop your weapons, Boomer! Tsuneo [Robocop]: I'm not a Boomer! Rebecca: And so on, and so on and so on... > "That is what you are," said Nicolas. "Isn't it?" Tsuneo: Damn it! Didn't you hear what he said to you twice just then? TWICE?! > "No," a voice said. The A.D.P.D. looked to see the Knight Sabers in armor. Sylia walked > up. "He's a cyborg from another universe." Dan [Nicholas]: Well that's okay then. > Nicolas turned to Robocop. "Is this true?" asked Nicolas. "Did the tech Genom is testing > bring you here from another universe?" > "Yes," said Robocop. Tsuneo: So they just accept this as a given despite how stupidly improbable it seems? Heck, why are they taking the Knight Sabers' word for it when the ADP considers the Knight Sabers to be dangerous, wanted criminals? > Quincy's office... > Quincy looked at the camera in the basement. "Damn," said Quincy. He got on a commlink. > "Boomers destroy the A.D.P.D. and the cyborg. Just stun the Knight Sabers." Natasha: Why not just destroy the Knight Sabers when you have the chance? Rebecca: Are you asking for common sense? Natasha: Silly me. > The Basement... > "I am trying to get on a portal home," said Robocop. > "Well, go on," said Nicolas. Dan: [Robocop] Do you know how to work this thing? Rebecca: [Sylia] No, but I'll press a few buttons and see what happens. > "Stop cyborg, Advanced Police, Cyborg, Knight Sabers," said a Boomer. Behind him were > thirty more. Tsuneo: How the hell are they fitting all these boomers and ADP officers in the one room? Rebecca: Well, it might help if we knew how big the room was. For all we know, they could be in a concert hall. > The A.D.P.D. and Knight Sabers began firing. > "RUN TOWARDS THE LAB!!!" yelled Sylia. Natasha: [Sylia] That's where all the dangerous, explosive stuff is. > Robocop began running towards the lab. He blasted at ten Boomers. They blew up. Natasha: I'm beginning to wonder why Genom is even bothering trying to stop him. I'd have thought that it was in their best interest just to let him leave so he won't break anything else. > He saw a door in the way. Dan: The fiends! They've put up a... DOOR! > The door to the lab. He smashed though it. Natasha: I bet you didn't even check to see if it was unlocked. Rebecca: They forgot to program him to open doors. That's why he drove his car through the warehouse door in chapter one. > He looked to see Boomers are > overwhelming the A.D.P.D. and the Knight Sabers. He got a message on his P.O.V.: "PRIME > DIRECTIVE 2: PROTECT THE INNOCENT." Dan: Is he going to go through all the prime directives again? Tsuneo: Doesn't he always? Rebecca: It's not like the knight Sabers are really innocent and all. I mean, what they're doing is illegal, and they are carrying unlicensed weapons and such... Heck, I'm sure that Priss owes a small fortune in unpaid traffic fines alone. > "Leave them alone," said Robocop. He fired at fifteen Boomers. The Boomers fired at him. > Thirteen were damaged. The other two were destroyed. Dan: So how come before he could effortlessly wax ten of them, but now only gets two? Rebecca: He fumbled on his to-hit roll. > Robocop fell and got back up. Dan: What is he, a cyborg or a yo-yo? > His P.O.V. said: "30% DAMAGE. POWER AT 50%." Tsuneo: And his oil is a little low. > Robocop looked at the portal and ran towards it. Dan [Excitedly]: Robocop's got the ball, he's making a run for the Plot Device... Boomer moves to intercept, nice dodge... and another... and another... he's powering down the field... he's over the line! > "Quincy, it is on the universe it was on when the cyborg showed up," said a scientist. "We > are on test three." Natasha: This is the stage where they try to find a universe inhabited by primitive peoples, and fool them into worshipping them. Tsuneo [Scientist]: We bring you... Spray on cheese in a can! Others: Ooooh! > "You are not going anywhere," said a Boomer who blasted at the machine. Robocop jumped in. > Five seconds after words it blew up. It turned back after seeing the other fifteen blow > up. > Sylia blasted it then. It then blew up. Tsuneo: And then some other things blew up for no apparent reason. Rebecca: Well that was a speedy resolution to the crisis at hand. Well done everyone. > "Hopefully, he's gone back to his home universe," said Sylia as she and the rest of Knight > Sabers left. Dan: And they all went home and had pie. The end. > The A.D.P.D. soon left. "I guess you can't blame this on malfunction," said Nicolas. Natasha; Actually, you can. The scientists were hoping to find a universe with less cyborg cops and more scantily-clad Amazons. > An hour later... > Quincy came down. Rebecca: Um, one question. How the hell did he get down there? Natasha: He had a sudden turnaround, yanked himself out of the machine and ran down from orbit. Rebecca: Oh that's okay. For a minute I thought something stupid was going on. > "Cover this up," he said. > "What about the project?" asked the scientist. > "It's been Terminated," said Quincy as he left. Dan: [Quincy] Please collect your bullet in the head at the door. > Knight Sabers H.Q.... > The Knight Sabers arrived. "Well, what do you think happened, Sylia?" asked Priss. > "I don't know," said Sylia. Rebecca: I think you're speaking for all of us there. > A.D.P.D. H.Q.... > Nicholas headed for his office. He wondered what happened to Robocop, too. He hoped > Robocop made it home. Dan: He never did. Instead, he ended up in the company of a disco dancing fool, a fat professor, a girl with a machine gun and his long lost twin brother. He's constantly bouncing through universes, trying to find his way home. Natasha: Ladies and gentlemen, our one and only Sliders riff! > To be concluded... > Robocop/Bubblegum Crisis 2040: Lost in an Alternate Universe > Epilogue All: Almost there! > By RobotwtsuwanBat and ShadowHawk Rebecca: Additional writing by the SledgeHammerOfPlot. > We do not own the characters involved. > Detroit, the Near Future... > Sgt. Reed was looking around the warehouse when a pink light showed up. Tsuneo: [Reed] Not again, we just booked the last one. Dan [Reed]: Man, I gotta give up on the late-night donut binges. > Reed looked up. > Robocop stepped out of the light. The light then disappeared. Reed stepped towards > Robocop. Dan: Robocop said "Hi." Tsuneo: Reed said "Hi" back. > "Where were you for the last fifteen minutes?" asked Reed. > "Are you kidding? I was in an Alternate Universe for two days," said Robocop. Dan [Reed]: You know, that's the best excuse for claiming overtime I've ever heard. Tsuneo [Robocop]: Whatever. I need a bottle of good, hard baby food. > "No, you were gone for fifteen minutes," said Reed. "Must have been smoke and mirrors. > Murphy, why do you look like you've been though hell?" Rebecca: They left him unattended in the street for fifteen minutes. They're just lucky he still has all his limbs. > "You may be right," said Robocop. He didn't want to think about why he was gone for > fifteen minutes, but it felt like two days. Tsuneo: And to us, it felt like longer. > He just headed back for his car. He got in it > and headed back for Metro West to be repaired. Natasha: Sooner or later, somebody's going to notice the fact that he's been re-built with a small arsenal on one arm, and then the questions will get ugly. > He wondered if he'd ever see the Knight > Sabers, the A.D.P.D., and/or Genom again. Tsuneo: With any luck, we'll never know. > The End. Natasha: Can I do it now? Rebecca: If you like. Natasha: Cool. [She pulls out a huge chainsaw from behind the couch, revs it, and then brings it down on the TV, messily slicing it in half. Dan nervously creeps away from her] Was that an acceptable way to do it? Dan: What was that? Natasha: Salvage ops chainsaw. Rebecca: I like you. You might get the job. Voice: not again. Rebecca: You know the guest stars always get to do it. Voice: I don't recall instituting that rule. Tsuneo: Voice, can we just do our piece and go? Voice: Please. Dan: This fic was so damned boring. I mean, it's major focus is on fight scenes, and they're only three lines each. Robocop shot X boomers and they all fell over. Whoopee. Tsuneo: It seemed like a really weak effort to me. So much of it was just repeated material from the Robocop movies, as well as the Knight Sabres repeating established backstory. Then there were the fight scenes, where it just seemed like the authours couldn't be bothered fleshing them out. Then it neatly wraps itself up in the minimum of fuss. It's scenes like "Priss and her band" and "Quincy yells at scientist" that make me think the fic was posted half-complete. Rebecca: Putting the storytelling aside and looking at the technical side, the fic was a mess. Most of the fic was written in the form of short, clipped sentences. "Robocop does this. Robocop does that. Robocop eats pie," ad infinitum. On top of that, the writing was pretty bad with incoherent, messed-up sentences. The minimal descriptions made it hard to understand and the bad writing merely compounded the matter. Natasha: Well this is my first review- Rebecca: That you can recall. Natasha: -That I can recall, and I must say that it was, well, pretty darned pointless. I guess the whole problem for me was the premise. A Deus Ex Machina shows up and sucks up Robocop. Then he goes on a road trip across Tokyo, makes some friends, wrecks some boomers and goes home. The end. If you had to write a BGC/Robocop crossover, and I must ask why you would, there could be far better ways to do it. The two universes could be existing side by side, for example. I mean, we know that BGC tech could produce something like Robocop. It'd be a stretch, but far less of a stretch than the hot pink plot device. Voice: Well thanks for that. Natasha: You're welcome. Rebecca: Don't kid yourself. He always says that unless we're very rude, violent or Tango's here. Or we're just being ourselves. He doesn't care, really. Dan: Hey, speaking of annoyingly stupid omnipotent entities- Tsuneo: That must be the worst link I've ever heard. Dan: I've got one question. Who was the evil, time-travelling guy who was running the whole show? Tsuneo: I think it's someone like the Romulans or the Cardassians trying to sabotage the Federation before it can get started so they will be the top race. Either that or wanr themselves so they won't make so many blatantly obvious stupid villain mistakes next time around. Rebecca: Like never giving Sela a position of authority? Tsuneo: That's a good start. Rebecca: Or shooting her at birth? Tsuneo: Ow... Natasha: I don't think it's them. I actually think that it's Chakotay. Rebecca: I'll bite, what's Chakotay doing messing with history? Trying to arrange things so he's actually got a personality? Natasha: That's... very mean, and true, but not what he's up to. He's trying to eliminate Janeway's husband *and* dog from history so she's got no hang-ups about getting it on with him. Rebecca: So it's all about Chakotay's inability to get laid with anyhting but a wind-up love doll? Dan: Sweet Borg booty! Natasha: It has other benefits. It means we're spared six and a half seasons of pointless "will they, won't they" stuff and oh-so-many WAFF fics. Tsuneo: Well, I'll admit that it does make sense, in a twisted kind of a way. Dan: I think it's Jean-Luc Picard. Tsuneo: Any reason? This has got to be good. Dan: He's subtly altering history so Wesley Crusher will never be born. Rebecca: A truly noble cause. We should all support him. Tsuneo: So who do you think it is? Rebecca: It's not someone from the future, but actually the past. It's Rick Berman, who is trying to subtly alter history. Natasha: What's he trying to do? Rebecca: Three things. Firstly, he's trying to take the credit for creating Star Trek in the first place. Secondly, he's trying to make Voyager and Deep Dog Nine less amazingly crappy through future knowledge. Dan: Like never bringing Worf in. Rebecca: Exactly. And the third thing he's trying to do is get rid of J. Michael Strazynski so he's got no competition. Or at the very least, alter history so JMS's stuck writing trippy kids shows for the rest of his life. Dan: Hey! Marshall Bravestar was... you're right. It was kind of trippy. In fact, it was way trippy, what with all the stuttering cowboy robots and the like. Tsuneo: ...what? Dan: Well- Rebecca: Don't. Dan: But- Rebecca: No! Dan: Please? Rebecca: Do you want me to hurt you? Dan: Never mind. Tsuneo: Right. I'm out of here. [He gets up] Dan, you're scaring me again. [He leaves] Rebecca: Come on, Natasha. Wonder boy and I have got to do your employee eval and review. And drink a lot. Natasha: What about Dan? Dan: I'll be fine as soon as I rewind to the "gel" scene. [Pause] Natasha: Let's go. [The two of them leave. The screen goes blank] Dan: Sweet Vulcan booty! Voice: Ooh! Let me see! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Zogster) Rebecca Bartley and Natasha are copyright 1994-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > "Yeah, right," said Robocop. Robocop switched from his left hand to his machine arm and > blasted all ten Boomers to bits.