Elmer Studios presents... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Episode 139, we're trying something on the decidedly weird side. It's a BGC/BGC 2040 crossover. No, readers, I don't get it either. Bubblegum Crisis is copyright Artmic/Youmex. Bubblegum Crisis: Tokyo 2040 is copyright AIC. Crossed Crisis is copyright Raiu Kusanagi. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small, battered artificial Christmas tree next to the computer, looking for all the world like it has been trodden on.] [There is a huge mess of networked PCs, TVs, VCRs and sound gear in the middle of the room. Dan, Rebecca and Tsuneo are all standing around with scripts and headsets.] Rebecca: Okay, guys. Galtar confronts Villain Guy in his lair scene, take, uh, whatever. From the top. Dan [Loud]: Ha ha! I have travelled many miles across ice and snow to confront you, villain. In fact... I need to go. [Rebecca presses a button on one of the PCs. Loud toilet flushing noise] Dan [Loud]: All better. So where was I? Rebecca [Airhead]: Uh, you were, like, rescuing me. Dan [Loud]: Oh yeah. Ha ha, villain! I will defeat you because I have the power of the Golden Lance! Tsuneo [Hammy villain]: Not so fast, Galtar! Before you use your over- compensation weapon, you should know that I possess that which you most seek. Dan [Loud]: You mean- Tsuneo [Villain]: Yes! The last pair of AA batteries on the planet! [Rebecca presses a button on one of the PCs. Dramatic "Duh-Duh-Dun" music] Dan [Loud]: No! Tsuneo [Villain]: Yes! Rebecca [Airhead]: Like, no! [Pause] Dan: Wait... cut! Where's Kid? Tsuneo: Who? Dan: The kid! Rebecca: Obnoxious precocious wise guy with a heart of gold that you just want to viciously smack around who keeps saving the day. It's a Hanna Barberra cartoon. Of course there's one. Tsuneo: Rats. I was hoping we could get away scot-free. Dan: No such luck. Just be thankful there's no monkeys or talking dogs. Tsuneo: ...you're right. Dan: So who's playing Kid? Rebecca: Let's see... I'm playing Princess Whatshername and any other female roles. Dan's playing Galtar and Second Banana and Tsuneo's playing Villain. Tsuneo: What about the two Dwarves, uh... What were their names? Rebecca: Nip and Tuck. Dan: Yeah, them. Tsuneo: ...Did you really re-name them that? Rebecca: Of course. [She grins] Dan: So who's playing them? Rebecca: Well, I thought I'd let you two fight it out to decide. Tsuneo: Great. So who's doing kid? Rebecca: I hired someone... I was hoping they'd be here by now. Dan: So who'd you get? [Before she can reply, the door explodes inwards. A heavily armoured and armed SWAT officer barges in] SWAT: All clear! No sign of purple bunny rabbits! This base is secure! [The officer runs up an old sock and salutes it.] SWAT: Yes! Live action UT does work! [He pulls off his helmet to reveal, well, you probably guessed it, Tango] Tango: Morning all! Wubble! Dan: ...That's the voice of Kid? Rebecca: He had prior experience as a VA, so I hired him. Tsuneo: I didn't know you were a VA. Tango: I used to work for Hanna-Barberra. I was Gleep the monkey. Dan: So you voiced the Monkey? Tango: I *was* the monkey! Dan: Right. Tsuneo: Rebecca, was this just an excuse to get Tango in for another experiment? Rebecca: Of course not. [Pause] Okay, you caught me. It was. Tsuneo: Right. Might as well get on with it then. [Tango picks up a headset and a script, then throws the script away] Tsuneo: As we were. Tango [Cockney accent]: Stuff it, Guv. Rebecca [Airhead]: Like, he's too... [Normal] Damn, I can't do this. Dan: What is it now? Rebecca: These lines. They're terrible. They blow goats. Tsuneo: Well it's your character. If we had footage of her doing anything but being held prisoner, we'd use it. Rebecca: Damn. Dan: And besides, you're the only female VA we've got, unless we want to hire one of the B-team for the role. [They all pause and shudder] Tango: David Arquette's free. Dan: Don't go there. Rebecca: Bischoff and Russo did. Voice: Morning all. Rebecca: And good morning to you, Reductor. Voice: ... Tango: By Jove! Jolly good shot, I say what. Voice: What the hell are you guys doing here, and what have you done to my apartment? Dan: Er, you explain, Rebecca. Rebecca: Thanks. Y'see voice, we all overdosed on Sealab 2021- Tango: Fignuts. Dan: Fignuts! Tango: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiignuts! Tsuneo: Idiots. Rebecca: So we got bored and decided to waste precious time on our own project. Dan: I found some tapes of "Galtar and the Golden Lance" in my cupboard, so We decided to re-mix and re-voice them. Tsuneo: I'd like it to go on the record that this was not my idea. Rebecca: But you did agree. Tsuneo: Well, yes... Rebecca: And you are enjoying being the villain. Tsuneo: This is true. Voice: So what, were you planning on selling the result to Cartoon Network or Something? Dan: Nope. Just doing it for yucks. Voice: Fine. Next time, mess up someone else's apartment for this. Tsuneo: We would have, but Rebecca didn't want to foot the inevitable power bill. Voice: Eep. Tango: I would have volunteered my place, but it would have meant moving my rig. Nobody touches my rig. Not even me! Voice: Can we just get on with it? Rebecca: So what's today's hurt then? Voice: It's a... unique piece of work, which essentially comes down to a crossover between the two different BGC shows. Rebecca: What, original and lime flavoured? Voice: If by that you mean BGC 2040, then yes. Rebecca: BGC 2040 fiction. Whoopee. Tsuneo: At least it's not a stock self-insertion this time. Voice: ... Tsuneo: What? What? Dan: Oh, dear. Tango: Oh, bravo! How exemplary! This should be a truly smashing piece, what? [Pause] Tsuneo: What? Tango: Get these damned arachnids off of me! Tsuneo: Whatever. Let's get started. [They sit - Tsuneo and Tango facing the TV, Dan and Rebecca on the sideways couch.] Rebecca: Great. The voice finally finds the 2040 fic of his dreams and it's a crossover. [The TV switches on] > Disclaimer: If you don't know this part, where the hell have you been? Tsuneo: Reading better fics. Dan: That's not fair. Tsuneo: You're right, I'm lying. > " " Speech > < > Thoughts > * * Emphasis > | | Computer/radio/telephone vocalization Tango: { } Yodelling. Tsuneo: How did you pronounce that? Tango: Simple! { } It's sort of like [ ] Tsuneo: Silly me. > Crossed Crisis > Chapter 1 > By Raiu Kusanagi All: AARGH! Tango: I'm going to kill him until he dies from it. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Linna, have you heard about that girl Sylvie?" Tsuneo: She'll live. Rebecca: So do they have Sho's Mother and Irene stored in a closet at the moment? > A petite redhead about nineteen asked the woman sitting next to her. > "Yeah, I heard about her." The raven-haired woman answered. "She's the > girl Priss is hanging around with, right?" Rebecca: IfyaknowwhatImean. Dan: Hey, this is actual dialogue from the episode. Rebecca: It was suspect then and it's suspect here. > "Yeah! She comes into town just the other day, and in no time she's > causin' a sensation. She's so gorgeous." Tango: She's so dead. Tsuneo: Does Sylvie ever actually die in one of these fics? Rebecca: Well once, but nobody cared. > "Oh that's just because everyone finds a fresh face exotic. I mean, she > can't hold a candle to me, right?" Rebecca: Linna, just keep living in your own little world. > The redhead gave her companion a quick longsuffering glance before the > two started chuckling over it. Dan: [Linna] Hey, why am I laughing? Tango: Nobody noticed the nitrous oxide leak. Dan: Where'd that come from? Tango: The cooling unit on her laptop. > They turned at the sound of approaching > footsteps to see Priss, lead singer of the Replicants, walking toward > them, a towel draped over her shoulders. Tsuneo: So when are we going to get new material? Rebecca: On the second disc, under the 'deleted scenes' menu. > "Hi," she called out, lifting the soda can she was holding as if > toasting them. Dan: [Priss] It's like I'm toasting you, because I'm toasting you! Freaky, huh? > "Priss, oh you were your usual, terrific self tonight!" Tango: Try it again with feeling! > the redhead exclaimed as she ran up and hugged Priss. > "Thanks, Nene," Priss replied. Rebecca: [Priss] Now let me go! > "How 'bout I quit my job at Phoebe's and become your manager." Linna > stated, walking up to the pair. Dan: Hey, if Linna quit her job, would the gym notice? Rebecca: They'd get less sexual harassment complaints. > "If you wanna sign with DMI, now's the time." > "Oh, there you go again." Nene commented, then started whispering in > Priss' ear, holding her hand up as if to hide her stage whisper. Tango: [Nene; yelling] Did you see that chunk of cabbage between her teeth? GROSS! > "Hey, > Priss, did you know that Linna says her latest boyfriend is one of > DMI's directors?" > Linna merely smiled and giggled a bit as the other two women gave her > an annoyed glare. Tsuneo: And Linna has now fulfilled her quota of lines. Thank you and good night. > "I don't wanna know." Priss said. Rebecca: [Priss] He's a dirty, stinky man! > "I've had it with you crying your heart out." > "Oh, you're mean. It's serious this time!" Linna growled, ignoring the > sound of a door opening. Tango: [Linna] We've gone out twice! > "And I deserve happiness too, y'know." Dan: [Linna] What about me? What about Linna? WHAT ABOUT LINNA? Tsuneo: [Priss] Who said that? > "Being happy with Linna, what an awful thought," Nene sniped. Tsuneo: Well I'd rather have a one-dimensional gold digger than a perky midget hacker. Dan: Are you kidding? > "Ya got that right!" Priss agreed. Dan: See, she agrees with me! Tsuneo: ...I hate you. > "Ooh, you're both picking on me." Tango: Just be thankful it's not the Perfect Pick. > "You look like you're having fun." An amused female voice commented. Rebecca: [Sylvie] I can tell by the bloodshed and violence. Dan: [Linna] I'll happily trade places. > "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." > The three turned toward the source of the voice to see a beautiful woman > standing before them. Dan: She was beautiful in every conceivable way. Luxurious brown hair framed a beautiful face with deep blue eyes the colour of twilight with the same twinkle in them as the stars above. Her gorgeous lips were the colour of the richest red rubies. She was slim, yet shapely with firm, full breasts. She was also completely naked. Rebecca: No more Raymond E Fiest for you. Dan: Awww... > She was about Priss' height with dark brown > hair cut short in the front and left long to hang down to her > shoulder blades in the back that framed a softly featured face with > exotic golden eyes. Dan: I think this guy's been reading Fiest too. Rebecca: Can't be. She's still got her clothes on. > The woman wore a form-fitting white and blue biker suit. > "You're late, Sylvie." Priss said. "I already finished my last set." > "Oh. I'm sorry. My brother and I had a little business." Tsuneo: Whoah, variation! Tango: And remember, that's only legal in Arkansas and Tennessee. > Sylvie > seemed to notice Linna and Nene for the first time. "Hey, these are > your friends, right?" Tango: Deny it! Deny everything! Dan: [Priss] Well, associates. Not quite. Actually, I have no idea who they are. Rebecca: [Sylvie] Even the one sticking her tongue in your ear? > "Yeah," Priss answered, putting her arms around their shoulders, > "Nene and Linna." Dan: [Linna] Hi! Pleased to meet you. Tsuneo: [Nene] Did you hear something? > "You're Sylvie, right?" Linna asked. "Priss has been telling us all > about you. Rebecca: [Linna] And that cute squeaking noise you make when- [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] Tango: There's also a documentary on you, but in the adult's only time of nine on Fox. That's right, Fox channel, slowly becoming a hardcore pr0nography channel for thirty years! Tsuneo: Pr0nography? > About what a terrific biker you are. Dan: And other things. And *lots* of other things you are. Rebecca: And apparently she rides motorbikes pretty well too. > And she's right; you're so beautiful, Rebecca: [Linna] Ijustnoticedthat'sallIdidn'tmeananythingbyitreally! > I bet you've got tons of boyfriends." Tango: Actually it's just a duplicate of the same Boybot 3000. > Nene glanced up at Linna, then looked back at Sylvie and frowned > slightly. Dan: [Nene] I should trade up for the new model. > "You're too kind. Pleased to meet you." > Sylvie extended her hand for a handshake. Tango: Domo arigato, Mister Roboto! > "Same here," Linna replied, grabbing Sylvie's hand. Dan: [Linna] You're cutting off the flow of blood! Rebecca: [Sylvie] Sorry about that, must have an actuator- uh, whoops. > Nene laughed a bit and put her hand over Linna and Sylvie's. Tango: [Nene] One for all, and all for one! Tsuneo: [Priss] Now let's go swing off some ladders and fight like Chinese swordsmen. > "Okay." Priss added, mimicking Nene's gesture. "Now that we're all > here, howzabout we get going?" > "Hey, Sylvie! Sorry I'm late. Took longer than I thought." Tsuneo: And finally we get original material. > The four women looked up to see a handsome young man about eighteen > standing before them, a black motorcycle helmet held under one arm, > his other hand stuffed in a pocket. He stood about five-foot-ten with > a mop of shaggy black hair held out of his face by a wide, white > headband. A pair of sunglasses similar to those Leon McNichol wore > hid his eyes from view. He wore a blue jacket with white sleeves over > a white T-shirt several sizes too big for him, a pair of light > blue-gray cargo pants, and blue-green sneakers. Tsuneo: Why look, It's 2040 Mackie pretending he's cool. Rebecca: So he looks like a geek in sunnies? > "Max!" Sylvie exclaimed, Dan: Max? Tsuneo: Max?! Rebecca: Max. Tango: [Max the bunny] I love you too, Sam. > pulling her hand from the other three. "I > didn't think you'd make it! I want you to meet Priss and her friends! > Priss, this is my brother Max." Dan: [Max] Hi. You haven't seen a demon goddess wandering around here, have you? > "Nice ta meet ya." Max stated, looking at Priss, then smirked. "So > you're Sylvie's girlfriend, eh? Try not to keep her out too late." Tsuneo: Okay, maybe it's not Mackie. Mackie at 18 would still be the same geek. Rebecca: But I thought that Mackie was a Boomer, and as such would be stuck as A 14 year old wuss-boy for all eternity. Tango: At least then he could get a gig with the nWo. > Linna and Nene's eyes widened in surprise, while Priss started > sputtering denials. Tango [Priss]: I was never there! It didn't look a thing like me! Besides, Only amateurs make that much noise. Dan: And she didn't inhale. Rebecca: ...swallow is more like it. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > "MAX!" Sylvie snapped, blushing. "I've told you before! It's not like > that!" Rebecca [Priss]: We usually do the whacky at her place. > "Uh huh, suuuure." Max grinned mischievously. "Then why are you > blushing?" Dan: Caught out. Tsuneo: She could be embarrassed by the way this dick is behaving. Tango: She could have just eaten a handful of red chillies. YUMMIE! > Sylvie growled at the teen and slapped him in the back of the head, Tango [Rolls dice]: Critical hit! Brain haemorrhage! Rebecca: Tango, you must be the only person to use the Mechwarrior Critical hit tables. Tango: Ruptured spleens are fun! > making Linna, Nene, and Priss chuckle in amusement. > "OW! Hey!" Max snapped, rubbing the back of his head with his free > hand. "It was just a joke!" > "You shouldn't joke about things like that, Max," Sylvie calmly > replied. Tango: [Sylvie] We're still trying to figure out how to tell our parents. Dan: But they don't have any parents. Tango: [Sylvie] That's what makes it so hard! > "So?" Max asked, looking at Sylvie, then smiled at Linna and Nene. > "And who might these lovely ladies be?" Tsuneo: [Sylvie] That's Nene, and you already know Priss. Dan: [Max] So who's the girl with the headband? Tsuneo: [Sylvie] We have no idea. > "Oh, I'm sorry, you two." Sylvie gasped. "Max, I'd also like you to > meet Linna Yamazaki and Nene Romanova." > "A pleasure to meet you both," Max stated, bowing at the waist to > hide the nervous tick that developed on his right eyebrow and the > clenching of his fists. Tango: [Max] Nene's hair... clashing... Linna's clothes... Must maintain control... > "You three wouldn't happen to know a woman named Sylia Stingray, > would you?" The young man continued, straightening. Dan: [Max] Aack! Blew it! Dang! Dangit! So, uh... How's Doc Raven going? DANG! > The three Knight Sabers jerked slightly in surprise. Rebecca: [Priss] I say we kill him and hide the body. > "No, not to my knowledge." Linna lied. "How about you two?" Tango: [Linna] That was well ducked. > When Nene and Priss both answered in the negative, Max's eyebrow > twitched almost imperceptibly and his eyes narrowed behind his > sunglasses. > "Why do you ask?" Priss asked. Dan: [Max] Because she runs the... I mean, a very big underwear shop. Yes! Underwear! And it has nothing to do with the Knight Sabres! DANG! > "No reason." Max replied casually, then pulled his helmet on. Tsuneo: [Priss] I like him. He's funny. > "Unfortunately, I can't stay. See you later, ladies." Dan: [Max] Dang, now there's a fish on my nose. > Without another word, Max turned and walked out of the bar, Tango: Through the third story window. > leaving the four women speechless. Priss was the first to recover. Rebecca: [Priss] Was he actually doing anything in this scene? Dan: [Sylvie] Just pointing out that he isn't suspicious at all. Rebecca: [Priss] Are all your family like this? Dan: [Sylvie] My uncle's better. He's a toaster. > "That was sudden." Priss snorted. "Is he always this rude, Sylvie?" Tsuneo: [Sylvie] That was one of his good days. > "Huh? Oh... no, he isn't. I wonder what's wrong?" Tango: [Priss] He DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE KNIGHT SABRES, does he? Dan: [Linna] No, it's a GOOD THING HE DOESN'T KNOW WE'RE THE KNIGHT SABRES! > "Well, anyway, are we still on for later?" > "Sure," Sylvie smiled. Rebecca: [Sylvie] I'll bring the whipped cream. > "Speaking of which..." Nene added. Tango: Let's end this scene before it goes there. > * * * * Tango: Thank you. > -The next day- > |Tell me, why was this Boomer banned?| Nene's image asked over a > video phone. Tango: It contained small parts and was a choking hazard. > "They were initially designed to be Sexaroid toys, but they were > augmented so they could synchronize to advanced weapons systems." Dan: You have to wonder why. Rebecca: It's for people whose extreme sex just wasn't, well, extreme enough. > A woman with short, blue-black hair answered on the other end, then > added with a light blush, "That caused problems." Dan: Speaking from experience? Tsuneo: [Sylia] I don't want to talk about it. Dan: So that's why there's this huge crater- Tsuneo; [Sylia] I said I don't want to talk about it! > |A sexaroid?| Nene gasped, then started grinning like an idiot. |So > do they really exist?| Tango: Actually, no they're an urban myth. And on special this week on e-bay! > "I thought you weren't interested in perverted things like that," Rebecca: [Nene] No, but my newsgroup is. > Sylia Stingray asked, pressing her index finger against the screen > and directly over Nene's face. > |Why not?| Nene whined. |Hey, I wonder if they're as pretty as this > girl I met yesterday.| Tsuneo: [Nene] Who there's absolutely no chance whatsoever that she's a boomer at all no sir. > "Who?" Sylia asked, curious. > |Oh, this biker friend of Priss'. Her name is Sylvie and she's > really hot, oh, with a body you could just die for! And Priss get's > along with her unusually well.| Rebecca: [Nene] I mean, they're already planning their honeymoon. > "I see. Sounds like someone I'd like to meet. Rebecca: Please tell me this isn't the original dialogue. Tsuneo: This is the original dialogue. Rebecca: I asked you not to tell me that. > All right, inform me if anything else happens." Tango: [Nene] A fly just smashed into my window. Does that count? > |Okay.| Nene replied, then her eyes widened in surprise. |Oh! I > almost forgot! There's this guy I met yesterday -| Dan: [Sylia] Good to hear you're finally getting out. > "Nene." Sylia interrupted. "Please tell me this is important." Tango: [Nene] Okay, it's important. Tsuneo: [Sylia] It isn't, is it? Tango: [Nene] No, but you asked me to. > |You bet! Anyway, Sylvie introduced us to this guy, Max, saying he's > her brother. They don't look a thing alike! Then after Priss gave him > our names, Tango: Wallets, IDs, tax file numbers... > he got real tense, like he was afraid of us or something! > And get this: he asked for you by name, as if he *knew* we know you!| Dan: He's a fanboy, of course he knows! He probably even knows your measurements. Rebecca: Dan, you know their measurements. Dan: Purely out of scientific curiosity. > "Oh? Did you find out why he asked or how he knows me?" > |No! He just brushed Priss off when she asked and then left like he > couldn't get out of there fast enough.| Tango: Then he realised his car was on fire. Sucks to be him! > "Hmmm... did you get anymore information on him?" Tango: He enjoys long moonlit walks and setting fire to national reserves. Tsuneo: He thinks wearing sunglasses inside can make anyone cool. > |Nope. Sorry. Come to think of it, I don't know that much about > Sylvie either.| Rebecca: Well you only met last night. Tango: [Nene] All I've got is her name, account number and access to her tax file. Oh yeah, you want a new ocean liner? > "Well, keep looking. And keep me informed." > |Okay!| Nene replied, then ended the call. > Sylia stood up and walked over to the window-wall and looked out at > the city. > you reap. The question now is, what is his lady friend after? And who > is this Max person?> Tango: And where do all the left socks go to? Tsuneo: Extra dialogue has been digitally added to the original footage. > * * * * > -That afternoon- > "Come on, let's go." Priss stated, revving her bike. "I've got a > rehearsal at the club." Dan: [Priss] I'm already half an hour late, but the band is used to that. Tsuneo [Band member]: That's the third time she's run out on us this week. I'm beginning to think she leads some sort of double life. Tango [Band member]: You don't mean... Tsuneo [Band member]: Most likely. Tango [Band member]: My god! Priss is Mightor! I should have seen it earlier! > "Oh, thanks, but I'm going to stay here a little longer," Sylvie > stated, turning toward her friend. > "Hm?" > "I'm free. I'm free now. Free." > "Free?" Rebecca [Singing]: Just gotta be free... And move amongst the stars... [The others applaud politely] > "Right," Sylvie replied, winking. > Priss stared at her blankly for a moment before speaking. Dan: [Priss] And people call me weird. Rebecca: [Sylvie] At least I've got an excuse. > "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'll catch you later." > Priss stated, starting to take off. "Call me!" Tsuneo: [Priss] Or e-mail me. Or ICQ me. Or AIM me. Or MSN me. Or Yahoo Message me. Or SMS me. Rebecca: [Sylvie] But you don't have a computer. Tsuneo: [Priss] Yeah, but I leech off Sylia's rig. > "I will," Sylvie replied, waving. Dan: [Sylvie] Wait, what's your number? > Sylvie stood there, watching Priss shrink into the distance until > a roar similar to the whining hum one generally associates with a jet > engine caught her attention. She turned around to see Max approaching > on Stingray, his motorcycle. Actually, tank would be a better > description for the crimson bike. At 2.5 meters in length, though it > was designed with only one rider in mind, it could somewhat > comfortably seat two extra people and actually had a time or two. It > was covered with enough armor plating to withstand a rocket explosion > at point blank range with barely a scratch on it. Rebecca: Well if you shot it at point blank range, the rocket wouldn't have enough time to arm itself, and it would just bounce right off. Dan: Nope, nothing suspicious going on here. No sir. Tango: You see, when a motorbike and a tractor love each other very much... > The prototype fusion turbine engine easily compensated Tsuneo: Yeah, this thing is all about compensation. Dan: He's fitting a fusion engine onto a motorbike? Tango: He had to give up some of the reactor shielding. Fortunately, it means he won't be able to breed. > for the extra > weight the armor created and still cranked out enough horsepower to > outpace almost every vehicle ever made. Tsuneo: That's because they observed the laws of physics. Rebecca: I bet this thing isn't as good as Gryphon's car. Tsuneo: It's got about as many stains on the seat. > A pair of air scoops hidden > underneath the nose of the bike on either side of the front wheel > kept the engine from overheating. Rebecca: So where's he getting all the space for this in a bike? Tango: It's two and a half meters long and maybe six wide. > The rear fenders were specially > designed to protect the legs of the rider and the control handles Rebecca: I have a feeling he's trying to control his handle while writing this. It's like watching a guy jerk off in text. Dan: It's like Raymond E. Feist describing a naked woman. > were placed in a pair of recesses on the sides of the instrument > panel that covered the driver's arms halfway up their forearms. Dan: It also had a fully functional interocitor incorporating an electron sorter, and was constructed entirely out of near- monomolecular steel. > A pair of spoiler fins stuck up at an angle from the rear of the bike. Rebecca: They read, "The secret of the Crying Game: She's a guy!" > The front of the bike was fairly wedge-shaped Tango: What, you mean fairly slim in the first one and fat in the second one? Rebecca: No, it was fully of geeky college students. > when viewed from the > side, but rounded, with the nose being the most heavily armored part > of the motorcycle, Tsuneo: And the driver being completely exposed, thank you. > allowing the bike to punch through steel walls Rebecca: And boomer armour like they were made out of chocolate mousse! > up > to a foot thick once it once it reached its top speed of around 423 > kph. Dan: And it only needed a five mile run-up to do it. > When the bike reached 200kph, the plating would extend from the > recessed control sticks to cover the driver's entire forearm as the > tinted, armored windshield raised up and extended as well, further > protecting the driver. Tsuneo: Why not earlier? Or when he gets in? Dan: Because then he can't feel the wind in his hair. Tango [Max]: This bike are the coolest bike ever because I are making it. I knowing it, you know it, Brak know it, Zorak know it, Moltar know it, Lokar know it, everyone know it. > The bike came to an abrupt stop Rebecca: Several kilometres down the road. Tango: Brakes! I knew I forgot something! > a few meters away from Sylvie and > Max popped the kickstand down, pulling off his helmet in the process. Dan: [Max] Hi sis! Boy, is my bike amazing, or what? > "Going out again tonight?" The teen asked. > "Do I have a choice?" Sylvie asked with biting sarcasm. Rebecca: [Sylvie] Well maybe you could help me, instead of spending all day describing your bike. > "You know I hate this as much as you do, maybe even more." Max sighed. Dan: And you can tell he's so broken up about it. Tsuneo: [Max] It really distresses me that we have to kill to survive. But why not join me and take consolation in my bike. > "But actually, yes you do have a choice." > "What do you mean?" > "I was doing some hacking earlier and located the data disk that has > the info we need. Tango: It's located in an abandoned castle in the middle of a volcanic lake. Dan: [Max] I also got free access to Megatokyo's top pr0n sites. > However, I need some time to plan the raid and Anri > needs more blood if she's going to last long enough for us to get the > disk and perform the procedures necessary." Rebecca: I wonder if they ever considered knocking over a blood bank instead. > "So it's almost over." Sylvie sighed, smiling. "I'm glad." > "So am I." Max said, pulling his helmet back on. Rebecca: [Sylvie] You? What have you got to do with any of this? Dan: [Max] Um... [Long pause] Dan: [Max] I've got a cool bike. > "I'll see you at home." > With that, Max peeled out and spun around, heading back in the same > direction he came from, the Stingray roaring even louder than before. Tango: Could that be a SUBTLE CLUE to his TRUE IDENTITY? Tsuneo: What, BGC 2040 Mackie? Tango: IT'S AS SUBTLE AS AN INTERNATIONAL OBJECT TO THE SKULL! Tsuneo: You can stop yelling, you know. Tango: I CAN'T! TONY SCHIAVONE HAS POSESSED MY BRAIN! THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HSTORY OF MY BUSINESS! Rebecca: I can cure this. I need your help, Dan. Dan: Sure. [Rebecca hits Dan and puts him on top of the couch. She then does a SUPAFISHAMANSBUSTAA, putting him through the Spanish Announcers coffee table] Tango: SPINEBUSTER! SPINEBUSTER! [Smoke comes out of his ears] I'm fine now. Wubble. Tsuneo: What... How the hell did that work? Rebecca: Can you imagine Tony Schivonie's mind trying to wrap itself around The Super Fishermans' Buster? Tsuneo: Good point. Dan [Woozy]: Didn't hurt a bit. > * * * * > -Later that night- > "Don't do it anymore." A green-haired girl about Max's age wearing > only a pair of panties and a loose tank top Dan: Saaaaaaay... Rebecca: You recovered fast. Dan: I've had lots of practice. > said, looking up at Sylvie > from where she sat on one of the two beds in the small apartment. > "It's too dangerous now. If you're caught, you'll be eliminated! Tango: And then you'll have to re-start from the last save point. > You've already done enough for me. You've got to live for your own > sake from now on." > Sylvie, clad in a black sports bra and panties, reached over and > grabbed the girl's hand. Dan: Is this turning Lemon? Tsuneo: It's from the original material. Dan: Nutbunnies. But it still could turn lemon, right? Rebecca: Do you want me to put you through another coffee table? Tsuneo: Do we have another coffee table? Rebecca: I've been keeping a stockpile for such an emergency. > "That's not true, Anri. Right now, this is the only way we have of > maintaining your systems. Rebecca: Nowadays, it's almost impossible to get parts for a 33-S. They Still make them in Cuba, but you have to purchase through dealers in Venezuela. > But, Max says he knows the location of the > data disk. Once we have that, we won't have to do this anymore. > Soon... yes, in just a little while, we'll be able to live completely > under our own power." Tsuneo: Very interesting. 'Max' gets his own scenes, but he doesn't actually affect the story as a whole. > Anri's teal eyes sparkled in joy as she smiled at Sylvie. > "So where's the data disk located?" Sylvie asked, turning toward > Max. > "At the GENOM Production Control Center." Max replied from where he > was leaning against the wall in a corner. Tsuneo: Do you mind? There are near-naked women in this room. Dan [Max]: But they're hot near-naked women! Tsuneo: One of them's your sister. Dan [Max]: It's okay, I'm from Alabama. > "We'll hit it tonight at midnight. All: They'll never expect that! > Almost nobody will be there then. I'll run interference > while you grab the disk." Dan: Then go deep, pass long and I'll make the touchdown! > "That's your plan?" A green-eyed, red-haired woman about Sylvie's > height asked incredulously. Tsuneo: Eh? Is that who I think that is? Tango: Kei? Dan: Fairchild? Rebecca: Scarlett? Tsuneo: Forget it. > "And how long did you have to come up with this?" Dan: [Max] It took me hours. I would have put more into it, but I had to work on my bike. Did I mention my bike's cool? > "That's just the basic idea, Meg, Tsuneo: Meg? Meg survived? Tango: Yeah, they kinda stapled her to the outside of the ship and took off anyway. Rebecca: There's an interesting variation on a tired old plotline. I bet Sho's mother is still dead, though. > not the full plan. I'm still > working out the details. Besides, I'm no tactician. The only combat > experience I have is that fight with the Doberman, remember?" Tango: The one where you got blasted into six separate components? Dan: [Max] Shut up. And the scars are barely visible. > "So why are you the one to come up with a plan and not one of us?" > Another woman, this one blond with brown eyes, asked. Tsuneo: You are kidding me. Lou survived too? Rebecca: Yes, Lou survived. Deal. Tsuneo: No, no, this raises an interesting question. If those two survived, then why is Sylvie running around doing all this on her own? Wouldn't it make more sense for the three of them to work together for protection, and avoid outsiders to keep their secret safe? They wouldn't need to get Priss involved, and in fact, they'd have their work done long ago. So why is this all the same? Rebecca: You see, that's because the authour just didn't think about it. > "Because I'm the only one here who knows the floor plan, employee > schedules, and guard patrols like the back of their hand. Tango: But you're wearing gloves. Dan: [Max] Curses! Foiled! Rebecca: Or of course you could give someone else the info. Tsuneo: Yes, but then he wouldn't get to rev in on his bike and be supposedly cool. > I downloaded all the relevant data into my memory. Dan: Then I purged it so I could remember TV schedules. Hey, Fat Albert is on, and they've got a new cel this episode! > I can guide any > of you through the building while keeping an eye out for Boomer > patrols, the ADP, and the N-Police. Tango: [Max] All the time playing a mean game of Counterstrike. Rebecca: [Sylvie] But you can't play CS without your cheats. Tango: [Max] So much for shooting boomers through walls. > Besides, Lou, you and Meg still > owe me for saving your asses from that Doberman. So just go with > it, okay?" Dan: [Max] So just shut your bitch mouths and get back into the kitchen! > Meg and Lou grumbled a reluctant acceptance and sat down on their bed. Tsuneo: Rather than arguing back, or even having personality. Rebecca: That's the problem. He's written them as surviving the massacre, but doesn't know what to do next. I mean, let's face it, they had all the personality they needed to get gunned down before the opening credits. > "Oh, Max." Sylvie stated, remembering something. "I forgot to ask you > earlier... but why'd you act like you did when you met Linna and > Nene? And who's this Sylia Stingray you asked them about?" > "I don't believe in coincidence." Max answered "I never have and never > will. They lied about not knowing Sylia. Rebecca: [Max] They're wrong because I'm right! > For those four people to know > each other - and lie to cover for each other - there's no way they > couldn't be who I think they are. Tsuneo: Apart from the fact they're seven years too old and look completely different. > As for who I think they are... > well, the walls have ears and I'm not about to risk giving that away. > I'm sorry I can't tell you more, but if I do, anybody listening will > be able to endanger all four of their lives far too easily." Tsuneo: They will have already heard our plans and everything, but I guess four complete strangers are more important than your sister and her friends. Rebecca: Hey, is that Fitor squatting on the roof? > Max glanced up at the clock on the wall and pushed off the wall behind > him. > "Look, there's something I need to get for our raid tonight. I'll be > back in an hour. Half an hour after that, we'll start our raid." Dan: Any reason why you don't tell them what it is? Rebecca: [Max] I'm cool because I'm a dick. > Without waiting for a reply, Max walked out the door. Tsuneo: This isn't Mackie. This is Raiu "I'm not a dragon" Kusanagi with a headband. > * * * * > -One hour, 45 minutes later- Dan: [Max] Okay, sorry, it took me longer than expected. There was a fat lady in the queue ahead of me. > "Max!" Sylvie exclaimed, running toward him and her bike. "Two 55-C's -" > "Go." Max cut her off. "I'll take care of them." > Sylvie nodded and hopped on her bike, driving off at near-breakneck Tango: THUD! Okay, breakneck. > speed as the two Boomer's burst through the wall Tsuneo: So much for his careful planning. > underneath the window > Sylvie jumped through. Without warning, the left Boomer's head exploded Rebecca: Don't you hate it when that happens? You're just walking along, minding your own business when suddenly your head explodes. Tango: I mean, they're so rude. One would think they'd have the courtesy to tell you when their head is about to explode. Dan: Yeah, but the 55C isn't programmed for courtesy, just smashing things. Tsuneo: Beautiful plumage though. > only a second before its body disappeared in a small explosion. Tsuneo: We're not exactly sure how its body vanished in an explosion smaller than itself. Dan: It's just behind the curtain. Any second now the showgirl will lead out a white tiger. > The > other Boomer stood up from where it'd been thrown to the ground and > looked around for the attacker. A sharp whistle caught its attention > as its arms were torn free from its body a couple of small, high-speed > projectiles. Dan: Well I guess he just *disarmed* it. [Tsuneo punches Dan] OW! > The 55-C looked over to see Max sitting on the Stingray, holding an > oversized handgun. A gun similar to the MG-442 that the Hurricane > model Motorslaves used but with a 76mm cylindrical barrel and a magazine > that seemed to make up the rest of the gun Rebecca: Is he doing to spend as much time on this gun as he did on the bike? Tango: [Shrek] Do ya think maybe he's compensating for something? > was attached to the right > side of the Stingray, a small wisp of smoke rising from the end of the > barrel. > "Hey, asshole. Lookin' for me?" Dan: [Boomer] No, actually. Tango: [Max] Okay. Carry on. Dan: [Boomer] Can I have my arms back? > With that, Max leveled the customized .454 Magnum Auto Tsuneo: Yup, I think he's obsessing. Tango: Of course, by the time you fire it twice, you're looking at the sky and your arms are half-way down the street. > at the Boomer's > head and fired as the 55-C opened its mouth. With a single press of > the trigger, the Boomer's head disappeared as if it had never existed. Dan: Except for all the chunks spraying all over the place. Tango: Mmm, chunks. Rebecca: The Chrono Legionnaires claim another successful mission. Tango: What mission? > As the decapitated and disarmed Boomer charged toward Max in a > suicidal rush, Max smirked, reached in to one of the control handles > on his bike and pressed a button. Rebecca: Then the windscreen wipers started. Tsuneo: [Max] No, other button. Rebecca: Then the blinkers flashed. Tsuneo: [Max] No, other button. > The gun on the side of the Stingray > bucked slightly as a miniature missile shot out of the barrel, > spiraling toward the Boomer, a trail of smoke marking its passage. > The missile struck the charging Boomer directly in the chest, > shredding the combat robot in the resulting explosion. Tango: So does that mean that he works for Arthur Anderson? > "Heh." Max chuckled, sliding his gun back into its shoulder holster. > "Too easy." > |WARNING.| The Stingray's onboard computer droned. |TEN TARGETS > INCOMING. DESIGNATE: TEN 12-B CLASS. ETA: 10 SECONDS.| Dan: You're screwed. Tsuneo: Are you kidding? This is god boy here. He probably eats Dobermen for breakfast. Tango: On toast with Vegemite! Yummy! > Had Max not been wearing his shades, an observer would have seen his > eyes shrink to pin pricks. Dan: How do your eyes shrink to pinpricks? Tsuneo: Read this fic. Rebecca: I think he meant his pupils. Dan: But how could he see anything with shrunken eyes behind sunglasses at night? Tango: He used his mad ha> "Oh, *shit*." > Without another word, Max revved the Stingray and peeled out, heading > in the same direction Sylvie drove off in. Unseen by him or anyone > else, Largo stepped out of the shadows to watch him leave, a small > frown on his face. Tango: [Largo] You are not l337. You deserve d34th. > Rebecca: [Largo] And his stupid dog too. > * * * * > The distinctive sound of the Stingray caught Sylvie's attention, > making her look over to the side, where she saw Max signalling her Dan: [Sylvie] Steal home? The hell? > to pull over. She nodded silently, knowing he wouldn't be able to > hear her over the roar of his bike. Tsuneo: Should a fusion engine really be roaring? Rebecca: Technically no, but he's probably got a compensatory bike noises track. > Moments later, the two of them > were sitting on their motorcycles on the side of the road. Tango: "I haven't come this way before," says one. "Must be the bumps in the road," says the other. B-doom tish! Thank you and good night! > "That was a bit close, eh?" > "Definitely," Sylvie agreed. > "We can't stay long. Ten 12-B Boomers are probably on my tail. Dan: So why are you sitting around here talking? [Long pause] Tsuneo: [Max] Did I mention how cool my bike was? Rebecca: [Sylvie] Idiot. > We'll stand better chances if we split up. Tango: [Max] I'll go to the old abandoned warehouse where those people were killed twenty years ago to the day, and you go skinny-dipping in the pond. > The Boomers will probably follow me, Tango: [Max] I keyed their cars! > so you hang on to the data disk. Once you get back to the > apartment, login to my computer with username MStingray, password > Voomer. Rebecca: I must say, he's doing an awesome job of concealing his identity. Almost as good as prince frigging Adam of Eternia. > Once you're in, insert the data disk, plug in the electrode > contacts to the headset jack, and place the contacts against Anri's > temples. A download prompt should appear, asking what you want to > download. Select 'Data Disk Only', wait until the computer says > 'download complete', then take the contacts off Anri and logout. > Got all that?" Tsuneo: If she knew how to do it in the original, why does he need to tell her now? Rebecca: In the original she had the hint book. Tango: And then after that, go to the company's webpage and download the latest drivers to upgrade her to Anri version 3.141592654. > "Yeah." Sylvie answered, nodding. "But what will happen when I tell > it to download?" Tsuneo: It'll crash. You have to reboot, go back online, complain to the helpdesk and wait three days. Dan: Then you'll have to reformat her. Sucks, huh? > "It will download the data on the disk directly into Anri's brain. > Her systems should automatically begin putting the data to use. > That's why it's important to remove the contacts as soon as possible > once the download is complete. You don't want to risk downloading > anything extra. Tango: WHY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SET-UP TO ME! WE DON'T WANT TO ACCIDENTALLY DOWNLOAD ANYTHING ELSE! Tsuneo: Alright, that will do. Tango: BUT SHE HAS TO BE CAREFUL, IN CASE SHE DOWNLOADS ANYTHING ELSE! Tsuneo: Help me. > I don't know what the side effects might be for her, > but the shouldn't be too bad. Probably just a killer headache or > minor disorientation. Dan: [Max] Or fill her head with my pr0n collection. Rebecca: She's a sexaroid. She's been there. > Shouldn't last too long, either. I've tried it > on myself a few times already and nothing serious has happened. Tango: [Twitches; Max] Has happened. [Twitches] Has happened. [Twitches] Has happened. > Now go. I'll try to make sure the Boomers don't follow you." Dan: [Max] I'll insult their mothers. > "All right, but you be careful." Rebecca: And don't go talking to any strange killer cyberdroids. Tango: [Twitches; Max] Has happened. > "Don't worry." Max grinned. "I don't plan on dying tonight. Tsuneo: It would completely mess up his schedule. Tango: He can't die until next Wednesday at the earliest. > Hurry up unless you want the Boomers to catch you." Tsuneo: So why are you still sitting here talking? Dan: I think that download had an adverse effect on him. Tango: [Twitches; Max] Has happened. Tsuneo: Can you please fix that? Rebecca: Sure. Grant Morrison on! [She hits him on the head with her cybernetic arm] Tango [Cyclops]: Fry piggie! > Sylvie nodded her thanks and drove off, leaving Max behind to deal > with the Boomers. Dan [Boomer]: Stop them! they're very slowly getting away! > |WARNING.| The Stingray's onboard computer droned. |TEN TARGETS > INCOMING. DESIGNATE: TEN 12-B CLASS BOOMERS. ETA: 30 SECONDS.| Rebecca: Good thing he's already laid out all the hors d'ouvres and has a few cooled drinks open. > "Here we go." > Exactly thirty seconds later, ten Bu-12B Boomers came into view, > skimming along the ground like a cloud of death. Tango: Like a big metal cloud with lots of guns, but a cloud nonetheless. > Max turned the > Stingray to face them and fired off three missile as soon as he had > target locks on the front trio. A trio of explosions lit up the > night sky briefly, scattering the remaining Boomers. Tsuneo: One of the boomers failed his morale check and ran straight into an army of Orcs. They in turn failed their morale check, causing the *entire* *damned* *army* to break and run like screaming girls. Rebecca: Still bitter about that wargame? Tsuneo: Never. > Before they > could fully reorient themselves, Max was tearing off in the other > direction, toward the Canyons. > * * * * > Anri, Meg, and Lou Tango: Nam is still dead. > jumped in surprise when the door to their > apartment slammed open and Sylvie came running in. Dan: [Meg] I though you were meant to die in ten minutes. Rebecca: [Sylvie] Look who's talking, Dober-chow. > She made a > beeline for Max's futon and grabbed his laptop off the top of it, > ignoring everyone's questions. Tango: What is the average rainfall in the Amazon basin? Rebecca: What is the capital of the Democratic Republic of the Congo? Dan: What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Tsuneo: How do I get out of this crappy fanfic? > Sitting down, she clicked on the > device, logged in, and inserted the data disk. Tsuneo: Drive A: not ready. Retry? Rebecca: [Sylvie] Heh. Got the wrong disk. Tango [Feminine computer voice]: Welcome to our cyber space force. Put your life data and combat record in. And your species have complete synchronised with this space fighter. Now power unit start. Fire control system on. All system green. Let's fly into cyber space. Good luck and you'll be save the cyber space! > After a moment of > searching, she found the electrode contacts and slid the plug > into the headset jack on the side of the computer. > "Anri, come here." > Anri did as she was told, gazing at Sylvie quizically. Rebecca: [Anri] Everyone else gets new lines in this fic. Why don't I? Dan: Quit padding your part, Anri. Heh. Padding. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > Her > confusion only increased when Sylvie placed the contacts against > her temples. Just as Max said, the download prompt appeared on > the screen. Tango: It says here that there's insufficient hard disk space. Dan: But I just bought a new one! Tango: But you went and installed Win XP. > "Now hold still. Max said this might hurt a bit." Tsuneo: [Makes whirring noise; Sylvie] I just got to drill the sockets first. > Sylvie arrowed down to "Data Disk Only" and hit Enter. > "Sylvie, what are you -" Anri cut herself off with a gasp as > data began directly downloading into her brain. Dan: It got up to about 98% and the connection dropped out. Typical. > After nearly a minute in which Anri sat frozen, Rebecca: [Anri] Um... What's my line again? > the computer > chimed and a small window popped up on the screen stating that > the download was complete. Tango: [Makes Windows noise] Now rebooting your system. Thank you for choosing Windows XP. Your file system is now hosed. Tsuneo: Bitter? Tango: Yeah! I lost all my Megaman remixes. Tsuneo: [Pats him on the shoulder] Let it go, Tango. Let it go. > Sylvie reached up to Anri's temples > and pulled off the contacts, then logged out of the computer, > removing the disk as she did so. When she looked at Anri, she > saw that the girl was still frozen. Dan: She just saw her post-fic employment prospects. > "Anri? Are you okay? Did it work?" Rebecca: [Anri] I'm fine, thank you Susan. > Anri shook her head, snapping out of her trance, only to hold > her head in pain. Tango: Is she auditioning to be a folk singer? > "Ow... ow... ow... that hurt." Anri groaned. "What did you do?" Rebecca: She just downloaded the entire contents of fanfiction.net into your head. Tango: Fanfiction.net! Your best source of Dirty Pair male/male slash! > "Well... if it happened like Max said it would, the entire > contents of the data disk were just downloaded into your memory. > Max also said your systems should start using the data to remove > your problem." Rebecca: [Anri] And if it didn't? Tsuneo: [Sylvie] You'll have an unhealthy obsession with playing Daikatana. Rebecca: [Anri] I like bugs and frogs! The pod people are my masters! Tsuneo: [Sylvie] Curses. > "So... I'm cured?" Anri asked hopefully, the pain in her head > already fading quickly. Tango: She'll no longer obsessively collect matchboxes! > "Yes, Anri." Sylvie replied, smiling warmly. "You're free. I have > to go get Max. I think he might try activating the D.D." Dan: [Max] D.D! It's showtime! > "What?!" the other three women exclaimed. > "Why would he do that?!" Meg asked incredulously. "He doesn't > know how to pilot that thing!" Dan: Because he's an idiot? Tsuneo: Because he's needlessly following the plot despite making wholesale changes? > "He said there were ten Bu-12B's chasing him. Tsuneo: Gee, you'd think they don't like him or something. Rebecca: Actually, a couple of them got lost in backstreets. > Even with the gun > he added to the Stingray, he won't be able to take on all ten > without the Battlemover." > "We'll wait here for you," Meg said. Rebecca: [Sylvie] I was actually hoping you'd help me. Tsuneo: [Meg] Are you kidding? We've already been saved from incredibly gruesome death once; we're not risking it again. > "Yeah, we don't have bikes, remember?" Lou added. "Besides, > yours can only carry one person." Dan: So why does Sylvie have a bike and the others don't? Tango: She was the one who sold Nam to get it. > "All right, I'll see you later," Sylvie stated, leaving the > apartment. > * * * * > "Shit!" Max swore, jerking on Tsuneo: [Glares at Rebecca] Don't! Rebecca: Aw, why not? > the controls of the Battlemover to > dodge a burst of bazooka shots from the remaining five 12-B > Boomers. "Don't these bastards know when to die?!" Tsuneo: Ask the other five. > Max's head was slammed into the back of the seat when a couple of > shots tagged the D.D.'s shoulder. > "Ah, screw this!" Max snarled, switching over to humanoid mode. > "The beast form sucks." Rebecca: It just looks like a plastic penguin with blatant mould lines. But the humanoid mode still has all the penguin kibble on its back > The Battlemover stood upright and slammed a fist into the chest > of one Bu- 12B, crushing its body before it could react. Max spun > the mecha around, backhanding another Boomer into oblivion. Tango: What are these, boomers from the OVW or something? Hey, I think that one's David Flair! > Leaping to avoid another set of bazooka and gatlin gun blasts, > Max waited for a target lock on the closest one and hosed it down > with gatling gun fire. Rebecca: EAT HOT LEAD, EVERYTHING IN THE VICINITY! > The teen then unloaded a salvo of grenades Tsuneo: Missiles. Dan: Yeah, and I bet he left a quarter of them at home as well. Tango: DING! Obscure! > at the next Boomer, blowing it out of the sky in a fiery > explosion. Without waiting for the final Boomer to make a move, Tsuneo: So it's just been standing there gawping all the time? Tango: Its hard disk is thrashing. > Max charged it as soon as he landed and caught its head in one > of the Battlemover's claws. Rebecca: Lo! I shall crush your head, thus rendering you even more inferior to my glorious self! > "Heh. Sucks to be you, don't it?" Dan: It blew him away while he was gloating. Tango: BU-12s have no sense of humour. > Before the Boomer could react, Max crushed its head, then tore its > body in half a moment later. Tango: Then he jumped up and down on the leftover bits. > Setting the Battlemover to standby > mode, Max winced and reached around to his right side, where blood > flowed freely from a ragged wound in his side. All: How convenient. > "Lucky bastards. Tagged me... Tango: [Max] Now I'm it. Tsuneo: They tagged him, then released him back into the wild. > before I got to the... Dan: Checkpoint. Now he's got to re-do it from the start of Act 2. > Battlemover. Hopefully it won't take much longer to heal..." Rebecca: At one hit point per day, you're going to be there a long time. > Max grunted, > fighting to remain conscious, "if I can just stay... conscious..." Tango: [Max] Chopper Dave is almost on... > Just as Max was about to open the cockpit of the Battlemover, the > mecha came alive again, Rebecca: Killed Lazarus and Mr Bishop the naughty terrorist, then went on a cross-country rampage that only the pentagon can stop with Optimus Prime. Tsuneo: Bitter? Rebecca: Then they'll find Arcee's meat body in a tank two miles below the ground. Tsuneo: That's a yes. > all of the screens lighting up with > tactical data. On the main screen, Max could see an ADP K-12 suit > standing ten to fifteen meters away. Tsuneo: A fifty percent margin for error at such close range? This thing sucks. Rebecca: The DD has a problem with its unstable system. The worst thing is when it hits the Blue Screen of Death. Tsuneo: What happens then? Rebecca: It sets off the neutron bomb. > "Okay, hold it right there! I'm not going to do anything, just come > out of there." Tango: [Leon] Come out with your hands up, and we will shoot you. I mean, we will *not* shoot you. > "Look, buddy, I'd love to right now," Max replied through the comm. > channel, "but this damn thing just went on auto-pilot. I'm trying > to GYAAAAH!!" Dan: [Leon] How do you spell that? > The world went white for Max as the shackles snapped into place > around his wrists, ankles, and neck and the J-1 computer synchronized > with him. Tango: Connected at 33.6 k/s. > Inspector Leon McNichol gasped in surprise as the > transmission cut off and the Battlemover surged forward, slamming him > through a wall. Daley's words came back to haunt him as he landed > against the wall of the canyon, Rebecca: [Daley] That jacket is so 'you.' > the K-12's "helmet" flying off, torn free by the impact. > <"Don't underestimate it, Leon. Tsuneo: Do not underestimate the power of the dark side. > It's a next generation Battlemover, > equipped with a J-1 auto-control system and highly intelligent > onboard automation. Dan: It knows not to shoot itself in the foot. > Heh, heh. And to top it all off, those idiots > installed a nuclear detonate destruct device."> Tango: And a frost-free fridge! [There is a faint 'ding'] > Leon struggled to stand up as the D.D. closed in on him. Dan: [Leon] I'm having flashbacks to my last family reunion. > Once it was close enough, Tango: It tried to sell him Amway products. > the Battlemover reared back and slammed its right > fist into the lower torso of the K-12, crushing the armor. The ADP > Inspector pulled himself upright as best he could and pulled back > the K-12's fist to punch the Battlemover. The Battlemover wasn't > of the same opinion Tsuneo: It voted for Labour. Rebecca: See? It's a dangerous, out of control killing machine. Dan: So is it a Labour voter or a Victorian policeman? > and pushed its fist forward, nearly caving in > Leon's ribcage, causing him to spit up a mouthful of blood. Tsuneo: [Leon] I've had better years. > Officer McNichol's head snapped up a second later and he let loose > with a right hook to the larger mecha's head, only to stare in > shock when it caught the K-12's arm with its free hand and tore > the limb off. Dan: [Leon] Okay, so much for that plan. New plan! This time, I'm going to play dead. > The D.D.'s eyes glowed yellow as a manipulator claw > shot out of the left intake vent on the Battlemover's chest and > latched onto Leon's throat. Tango: IT'S DOING THE TONGANESE DEATH GRIP! THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR BUSINESS! Rebecca: Dan... Dan: Oh, no! Not me this time! > I've got to...> Dan: [Leon] Pass out due to lack of air. Thump. > Before Leon could continue that thought, the gatling gun took aim > at his head, the barrels spinning in preparation. Only seconds > before the gun was about to fire, a blast of energy tore through > the manipulator claw's cable, distracting the Battlemover. Rebecca: Battlemovers have very short attention spans. > "Over there, is it?" Leon managed to gasp out as the Battlemover > dropped him, allowing him to slip into unconsciousness. Tsuneo: Best way to enjoy this fic. > The Battlemover turned to look up at the top of the canyon to see > the Knight Sabers standing there just as Max woke up. Tango: One Knight Saber stands on her head! Tension is gone. Scene is ruined. > pilot... oh, SHIT!> Max was about to start panicking when he saw > the Knight Sabers on the main screen. Maybe...> Tsuneo: Maybe Max will die in Sylvie's place! Rebecca: Don't get your hopes up. > While Max was planning his next move, the Knight Sabers had > landed and surrounded the Battlemover. Rebecca: [Priss] Looks harmless enough. Dan: FWACKOOM! Tsuneo: [Linna] Good call. > nothing.> Rebecca: [Priss] It's... Tap dancing? > Max sent a signal to open the cockpit and smirked when he saw > Priss' hardsuit step back in surprise. Tsuneo: [Max] Heh, it's a life or death situation and I can still be a smug git. > "Hey, Priss. Been a while, eh? You too, Nene. Where's Linn at?" Tango: She's taken her appearance fee and headed for the hills! > The three indicated Knight Sabers gasped in surprise, but managed > to recover quickly. > "Max?!" Priss exclaimed. "What are you doing here?!" Rebecca: [Priss] I was expecting... someone else. Tango: [Darkwind] Don't worry, Sylvie! I'm here to save you! Rebecca: [Priss] Ah... she's not in there. Tango: [Darkwind] Never mind. Carry on then. > > "The what, how, and why don't matter right now. What does matter > is that this thing is on auto-pilot right now and I can't regain > control. It's locked me out. Dan: [Max] And I left my key in my other pair of pants. > The designers added a goddamn micro- > neutron bomb to this thing. When the power runs out, MegaTokyo > becomes an irradiated crater." Tsuneo: That's one hell of a car alarm. > "My god..." Nene gasped. "He's telling the truth! And there's only > 300 seconds of power left!" Dan: [Sylia] That's not enough time! Tango: [Nene] How about five minutes? Dan: [Sylia] Much better. > "Yeah, and I can't get enough leverage to tear free of these damn > shackles. The only way you can shut it down now is to kill me." Rebecca: [Priss] Okay. BOOM! > "MAX!" Tango: SAM! > The Battlemover and Knight Sabers turned toward the source of the > voice to see a woman riding a blue motorcycle toward them. Tsuneo: This is the point where the script just goes completely out the window. > "SYLVIE?!" Max shouted. "What the hell - never mind! Just get the > bloody hell out of here before the Battlemover labels you as a > target! HURRY!!" > "Sylvie?!" Priss gasped. > "Max!" Rebecca: [Priss] Sylvie! Dan: [Max] Priss! Rebecca: [Priss] Max! Dan: [Max] Sylvie! Tsuneo: [Sylvie] Max! Tango: [Darkwind] Kathy! Tsuneo: Sorry, we don't need you for this scene. Tango: [Darkwind] Poopy. > Sylvie exlcaimed as she slowed the motorcycle to a stop a > few meters away from Priss. "What -" > "DAMMIT! The D.D. has gone on auto-pilot and synched with me! Now > get out of - oh shit!" Tango: I would, but someone put the toilet lid down. > As Max was yelling at Sylvie, the Battlemover's targeting systems > locked onto her. Tsuneo: Because an unarmed woman on a motorbike is far more threatening than four heavily armed hardsuits. Dan: Yeah, but it was made by Games workshop and Sylvie's the closest. Tsuneo: Ah. > The gatling gun on the D.D.'s left shoulder > swiveled down to aim at the motorcycle while the hatches on the > grenade launcher flipped open. > "STINGRAY!" Max shouted, catching Sylia's attention. "PROTECT > SYLVIE! FULL COUNTERMEASURES!" Tango: [Max] INTO ACTION!!! > Sylia turned from looking at Sylvie toward Max to see him looking > at something else entirely. A large red shape burst from under a > pile of debris Dan: It's Fire Convoy, back from the dead! Tango: Mega awesoma cool Hollywood! > and shot toward the Sexaroid. Rebecca: Let's not think about that one. > As it approached, the Stingray activated its ECM system, jamming > the Battlemover's targeting system and Nene's scanners. Tango: Not to mention I-76. > The > motorcycle popped a wheelie, somehow managing to halt its forward > movement at the right moment and remain upright, placing itself > between the D.D. and the Sexaroid just as the giant mecha fired. Tsuneo: [Max] Did I mention my motorbike can drive itself? How cool is that? Dan: Damn, that bike doesn't even need him. > The rapid-fire bullets clanged off the armored bike as the > grenades fell to the ground, their thrusters and detonators > disabled by the ECM field. Rebecca: No, it would just disable the guidance system, but since they're direct-fire at such a short range, it's a sure kill anyway. > Seeing that its ranged weaponry would be useless, Tsuneo: It trashed the bike and tried again. > the Battlemover charged at Priss, pulling its right arm back. Tango: [DD] Scissors! I win! > "LOOK OUT!" five voices shouted at Priss. Rebecca: Does this mean the Knight Sabers finally get to do something in this scene? Tsuneo: Fat chance. > The hardsuited woman turned just in time to see the D.D.'s fist > coming toward her. Dan: [Priss] My entire life is flashing before my eyes. Oh no, here comes potty training! > The fist slammed into her hard enough to > shatter her helmet's visor and throw her into a pile of rubble. Tango: Then she surges out, does the figure four leg lock and wins the match. > As Max glanced at Sylvie to see her driving away to a safer > distance with the Stingray following her, Linna was the first to > react, Rebecca: *Sigh* Loud, brash and totally brain-dead. > leaping toward the Battlemover and whipping her head > forward, the Ribbon Cutters reacting her her movement and slicing > through the gatling gun at its base. Dan: [Linna] There, I've taken your arm off. Tango: No you haven't! > Just as she fired her > jumpjets to get away from the monstrous robot, its arm lashed out, > catching her by the ankle. With almost negligible effort, Linna > was thrown into one of the canyon walls. Rebecca: [Linna] That's me for this fight. See you all later. > As she struggled to get up, Sylia landed in front of the > Battlemover, extended her right Laser Sword, and stabbed the > weapon into the mecha's chest. Tango: My fists of flame shall destroy you, Vane. Hahaha! Ugh, who writes this stuff? > The blade cut through the main > screen effortlessly only to stop a few inches from Max's chest All: TRY HARDER NEXT TIME! > as the D.D. reared back and grabbed Sylia's arm, Rebecca: [Sylia] Don't worry, I'm getting used to it. > crushing the > manipulator hand and very nearly doing the same to Sylia's real > hand. The monstrosity lifted Sylia off the ground, causing her > to scream in pain, and tossed her into Linna, who'd just managed > to stand up and turn around in time to see Sylia about to slam > into her. Dan: [Linna] Story of my life. > Once it saw that the two Knight Sabers wouldn't be getting back > up anytime soon, the Battlemover turned toward Nene. Max went > pale when he saw the multiple targeting cursors lock onto the blue > and pink hardsuit on the side screens. > Max silently prayed. Tango: [Max] Not the cute, whiny, annoying, squealing, pestering... Well, maybe just her. > make me go through this again.> > Max began visibly trembling as the grenade launcher popped open Tsuneo: Bet he wished his bike was still here, huh? > and the Battlemover pulled its right arm back to punch at Nene. Rebecca: So it's going to shoot its own arm off? Dan: It may be a relentless killing machine, but it's just not that smart? > The redheaded Knight Saber shrieked in fear Tsuneo: Now 2040's Nene would have a far better solution. Dan: What would she do? Tsuneo: Shriek in fear and fire ineffectually at it. > when she saw the pale red > robot towering over her, its weapons starting to activate. Without > warning, an explosion tore the right arm and shoulder from the > Battlemover. Dan: They just don't make these things like they used to. > The mecha was nearly knocked over, but quickly > regained its balance and turned so that Max could see Sylvie > sitting on the Stingray, smoke rising from the barrel of the > missile launcher. Tsuneo: Author's pet! Author's pet! Rebecca: Nah, it's the bike that did it, not her. > "Damn it!" Max swore. "Even if you disable it, the bomb will still > go off when the power runs out in forty-five seconds!" > Before the Battlemover could make a decision whether or not to > attack its previous pilot, its left arm was torn off at the elbow > by some sort of projectile. Dan: Okay, you've lost both arms and all your weapons. What are you going to do? Tsuneo: Well, you're winning so I drop the big one. > Turning around, the Battlemover saw > Priss standing approximately fifty meters away in her Motorslave, > the MG-442 gun still smoking, her visor raised to allow her to > see. Rebecca: [Priss] Now you've got to ask yourself. Did I fire five rounds, or did I fire six? And what you've got to ask yourself, is do you feel lucky? Well? Do you, punk? > Deprived of its main weapons, the D.D. opted for a suicidal > charge at its latest attacker. Rebecca: [Priss] Probably shouldn't have spent so much time on my monologue. Dan: [DD] I'm invincible! Rebecca: [Priss] You're a looney. Dan: [DD] Go on then. Rebecca: [Priss] Look, I'll have your leg. > "Priss! Do it now!" Rebecca: [Priss] The Macarena? Here? > Max had to all but roar to be heard over the > charging machine. "While there's still time!" Tsuneo: The end of the fic is in sight! We've got to resolve this now, dammit! > Priss leveled the gun at Max, tears streaming down her face. Dan: Guess who had the onion surprise. > The > barrel wavered slightly as memories assaulted the red-eyed singer; Tsuneo: Brown eyed. Dan: Blue eyed. Rebecca: Green. Tango: Pink! > memories of what Sylvie had said about Max. Tango: He's a louse. > <"He may only be adopted, but to me, that doesn't matter. He's > still my brother."> Dan: [Sylvie] The obnoxious kid brother I wish would move out. > The mecha was only thirty meters away. Priss blocked out the > sounds of everyone shouting; Max telling her to shoot, Sylvie > telling her not to, Nene screaming at her to just DO something. Rebecca: Linna on the phone to her broker, telling him to dump her Genom shares and put them into construction companies. > <"He and I are as close as twins. He's got his rough edges, Tango: It's nothing that an angle grinder won't fix. > but he's got a heart of gold when it counts."> Tsuneo: Mostly to do with his bike. Dan: And the infinite improbability drive! > Twenty meters. Tsuneo: [Geeky] Twenty-one, sir. > <"He saved my life once during a rogue Boomer incident. Max > distracted the Boomer long enough for me to escape, Rebecca: He talked to the boomer about his bike. > then barely > managed to get away himself. He nearly died that day, but it's > thanks to him that I'm here today."> Dan: What he was doing on a space station is anyone's guess. > When the Battlemover was only fifteen meters away, Priss made her > decision. Tango: [Priss] I will now... DANCE THE FUNKY CHICKEN! > "Forgive me, Sylvie," Priss choked out, pulling the trigger. Tsuneo: It's almost over! > * * * * > TBC... > * * * * All: AARGH! > Author's notes: Tsuneo: [Authour] Isn't the bike cool? > Don't ya just hate cliffhangers? All: Yes. Dan: Mmm... Battle Chasers... > C&C is welcome, flamers will be used as target practice by the Knight Sabers. [The TV switches off] Tango: What ho! Shame about that bother with the bike! Tsuneo: Basically, yeah... Rebecca: So are we going to have to do another chapter? Voice: Well, it is only part one. Rebecca: Fignuts. Tango: Fiiignuts! Dan: Fignuuuts! Tsuneo: Idiots. Voice: Well you're free to go... *And* to clean up my apartment. Rebecca: No way! We're not nearly done here. Voice: Let me get this straight. The fic is over, I've unlocked the door and you don't want to leave? Tango: Nosireebob! Mister Goltar and Mister Incredibly Camp Villain still have much posing and shouting to do before the big finale! Tsuneo: Tango, you didn't even look at the script. How did you know where we were up to? Tango: That's what always happens in this show. Dan: I'd like to argue, but I can't. Rebecca: So let's get to it then. [They all take up their headsets] Tsuneo: [Villain] Surrender your power bands- Dan: [Second Banana] Uh, Magic lance, sir. Tsuneo: [Villain] I knew that. Surrender, or I shall destroy every hair salon on the planet! Dan: [Loud] You fiend! Why if you did that, incredibly beautiful people with nice hair would not be able to get perms! Not... that I know... anyone who does... Tsuneo: [Laughs maniacally] Dan: [Loud] This is a dilemma. If I do not act, Princess Whatshername may die. But if I do, I may never be able to get a perm again. Tango: [Cockney] Aw, stuff that, guv. Rebecca: Hey, do we have a sound effect for someone being hit over the head with a boomerang? [Tango leans over and headbutts Dan. The screen goes blank] Rebecca: That ought to do. Tsuneo: [Villain] Curses! Foiled by a lovable street urchin! Tango: [Cockney] Oh yes! I am victorious! And happy as an oyster! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com), Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com) & Twin Cannon(ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2002 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > "Nene." Sylia interrupted. "Please tell me this is important."