Elmer Studios presents...
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For episode 136, we've got an old favourite; a BGC Self-Insertion. It's a
well travelled, but still very rough road.

Bubblegum Crisis is copyright Artmic/Youmex.
Bubblegum Crisis Urban Discord  is copyright Daniel Power
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small,
battered artificial Christmas tree next to the computer, looking for all the
world like it has been trodden on.]

[Rebecca, Tsuneo and Dan are sitting on the couches. The coffee
table is littered with plates, glasses, napkins and a variety
of related rubbish. Tsuneo and Rebecca grimace in pain.]

Dan: So how'd you like it, guys?
Tsuneo: Dan, what the hell was that?
Dan: Chicken fry-up, homemade chips and Dan's special salad.
Rebecca: Special salad?
Dan: Well, some bits left int he fridge that I through into a
bowl and layered with mayo.
Tsuneo: How do you call that chicken?
Dan: Well... It was kinda white and meaty.
Rebecca: I think that was styrofoam.
Dan: And it cooked well.
Tsuneo: Except for your marinade.
Dan: What about it?
Tsuneo: The fact that, if I'm not mistaken, it consists of grease,
tomato sauce and motor oil.
Dan: Actualyl I cooked with the motor oil. That's why it came out
so nicely browned.
Rebecca: You mean burnt to a crisp?
Dan: Not quite. So how about them chips?
Rebecca: Normally I'd clobber someone for using frozen chips and
claiming them to be home-made, but in this case it would be an
improvement.
Tsuneo: I couldn't get through my chips. Heck, I couldn't get
through even one of them.
Rebecca: I'm picking my teeth with one.
Dan: So all in all, a resounding success.
Tsuneo: Did you even listen to us?
Rebecca: Does he ever?
Dan: I just wish we had something for desert.

[The kitchen wall crashes down, and an armoured van painted
white with 'Combat Ice Cream' signs drives through in a cloud
of dust and rubble. As the smoke clears, it begins playing an
eighties metal remix of 'Greensleeves.' Tango jumps out the door.]

Tango: Ice cream for everyone!
Dan: We're on the thirteenth floor. How did that van get up here?
Tango: That's not nearly as interesting as how I'm planning to
get it down.
Tsuneo: Rebecca, you didn't go and sign Tango up for another
episode?
Rebecca: I wasn't even aware that he'd signed up more than the
two or three times he'd signed up already.
Tsuneo: Hang on...

[Tsuneo grabs a clipboard from Rebecca's seat]

Tsuneo: According to this, our tryout for the day is Valintenez
Alcalanella Siha Shushi La Boherez Gumbi Gomella Blue Stradivari
Talentrent Pierre Andre Charton Himmel Valovinci Baldos George
Dutzel Kaiser III.
Rebecca: In retrospect, I should have seen through that one.
Tsuneo: That's it, I'm handling the try-out roster from now on.
Tango: Does that mean I have to change into my Ewok costume?
Tsuneo: Ewok... [He looks at the clipboard] Right. Silly me.
Voice: Evening all.
Rebecca: Good evening, Doc Nebraska.
Voice: Fine, whatever.
Dan: He took that well.
Tsuneo: You're losing your touch, Rebecca.
Tango: Hey mister voice! Have some ice cream!

[Tango throws a bowl of ice cream at the speaker. It sticks]

Voice: [Muffled] I hate you.
Dan: Can we get on with it?
Voice: [Muffled] Well, I did have something else lined up, but since...
Tango's here, I might as well send along his specialty.
Tango: C4 sandwiches?
Voice: [Muffled] NO! It's a BGC fic.
All: BGC FIC!

[They dance around cheering]

Voice: [Muffled] You're mocking me, aren't you?
Rebecca: Who, us?
Tsuneo: Let's just get to it.

[They sit - Tsuneo and Rebecca on the sideways couch, Dan on the
forwards-facing couch. Tango dumps all the rubbish on the coffee
table onto the floor, then sits next to Dan.]

Tsuneo: Self-insert?
Rebecca: Sylia's old boyfriend.

[The TV switches on]

> (I do not, in any way or form, own BGC or its characters. Any
> similarities in my characters to existing persons is entirely
> coincidental.)

Dan: No boomers were harmed in the making of this fic.
Tango: But we belted some of the kids.

> Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo: 2033 A BGC Fanfiction: Urban Discord by
> Daniel Power

> Prologue:

> (Somewhere on the coast of British Columbia)

Dan: It's very cold.
Rebecca: A fic that starts in Canada? What are the odds of that?
Tsuneo: About as good as Canada even being mentioned.

> "What do you mean, escaped?"

Tango: Got away, flew the coop, ran off, broke out, made like a
banana split and left.

> Jason Lighter,

Rebecca: Because he'd lost some weight.

> director and operator of BioCite Industries,

Tango: Manufacturer of rubber chickens with pulleys in the middle
and wind-up fire-breathing plastic nuns world-wide!

> slammed his fist down on his desk, spilling
> coffee and assorted books.

Tango: Now look at that, he's got books all over his coffee!
Tsuneo: Ironically enough, one of the books is on anger management.

> "Well...uh...you see sir,"

Dan: [Technician] He escaped.

> A lone lab technician struggled to
> explain the company's loss and ultimately, "Sir, it wasn't my
> fault! I swear!"

Dan: [Technician] I don't wanna die! I have a wife and forty-three
children!
Tango: [Dark Helmet] You went over my helmet?
Rebecca: [Technician] Not exactly over sir, a little more to the side.

> BioCite had been on the technological battlefield against Genom
> Corporations for the last year since they had finally recieved a
> long overdue grant from the comically acclaimed government at the
> time.

Tsuneo: And breathe!
Dan: And they're still standing?
Rebecca: Quincy keeps them around because they're funny.

> One week into the production of a new technology that would
> surely guarantee them a postion on the global playing field

Dan: Yes, they'll be playing left right out.
Tango: Unfortunately, the game they're playing is forty-two man
Ukrainian squamish.

> with the winning score,

Rebecca: They invented the artificial appendix!
Dan: So does Lord Mitchell join the party?

> and they had lost the first test subject!

Tsuneo: For Red XIII had escaped.

> Jason listened to the over glorified excuse put to him by the
> technician,

Rebecca: [Technician] You see sir, we opened the cage to let the
cleaners in, and we had our backs turned for five seconds. I mean
come on, who knew he could get that far in five seconds? I suppose
in retrospect we really should have shut the front door.

> trying to keep his temper in check.

Dan: [Jason] I am a rock.

> Light reflected off of the employee's

Tango: Shiny bald head!

> sweat soaked skin as he
> finished, "...and that was how it happened, sir."

Rebecca: [Jason] Now run through that again, starting from the bit
where the moose came in on rollerblades.

> "I really haven't the time for this," Jason leaned forward over
> his desk,"just find the damnable thing and terminate it. That
> thing is dangerous and who knows what it could do."

Tsuneo: Since you made it, we'd guess that you do.

> "Y-yes sir...right away, sir."

Rebecca: This is what happens when you give mad science government
funding.

> "Oh, and before you go, I just thought that you'd work more
> efficiently knowing that your job is on the line."

Tango: [Technician] Yes I will! I've got a virus primed and ready
to infect your system.
Dan: [Jason] Now could you move a bit to the left... Yes, there on
top of the trapdoor.

> The technician left in a flurry of bows.

Tsuneo: Thank you sir! Thank you! Thank you!

> Chapter One: Sympathy for the Devil

[Rebecca pulls out a harmonica and begins playing the blues]

Tsuneo: I didn't know you could play the blues.
Rebecca: I've been wailing the blues since the doctor smacked me
on my bottom.

> (MegaTokyo: year 2033)

Tsuneo: [Stands up] Our Hero saves Sylvie and Anri and Sylia fawns
all over him! May I go now?
Voice: No! Sit down!

> Meet Ashley Asakiri, the man with that special, optimistic
> sparkle in his eyes and quality to his voice.

Tango: His name is Valintenez Alcalanella Siha Shushi La Boherez
Gumbi Gomella Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andre Charton Himmel
Valovinci Baldos George Dutzel Kaiser III.

[They all applaud discreetly]

> You would think
> that any decent guy with a good natured personality could find
> a friend, even a date, in a place in MegaTokyo.

Rebecca: Although the fact that his pants are on fire at the moment
kinda rules that out.

> Not a chance in
> hell. You see, people are scared shitless of him.

Tsuneo: Thanks mister narrator for ruining the suspense.

> The guy is, well, different.

Dan: He's 'special.'
Tsuneo: Oh no...

> Standing at six feet and two inches,

Dan: Weighing in at five hundred and twenty-three pounds, from
Dead Squaw Nebraska...
Tango: Yes, but was he Tex Texan, the Texanest Texan cowpoke in Vermont?

> he's a regular giant compared to everyone else.

Rebecca: But for another dollar, you can upgrade him to a family size.

> His medium build only
> slightly lessens the effect that his height has on others.
> Having skin that's always been perfectly white doesn't help in
> the least, either.

Dan: He's been on the Rei Ayanami program.

> Just a simple skin condition he says. Yeah, whatever.

> Haunting blue eyes and shoulder length black hair the color of
> a winter midnight

Rebecca: Oh look, it's the Man.
Tango: So where's Rang?

[Tsuneo grabs a cushion and beats himself over the head with it]

> both served in making most people stay clear of him,

Tsuneo: What, just because he's a goth?
Dan: That and the fact that he hasn't washed in over a month.

[Rebecca glares pointedly at Dan]

> but we know there's nothing to be afraid of...within reason.

Tango: What about cooties?
Tsuneo: What about his aura of smug?
Rebecca: And what about Raven?

> * * * * * *

> Pulling his coat close about him, Ashley

Dan: Remind me, who's Ashley?
Tsuneo: The man they just spent two paragraphs introducing!
Dan: What, Mr Eminently Forgettable?
Tango: [Singing] I'm forgettable... That's what I am...

> strode solemnly towards the ever prominent ADP headquarters

Tsuneo: AKA club Redshirt.

> located in central MegaTokyo.

Dan: What do you know, it's under attack and on fire again. Ho hum.

> "Why's it have to be so bloody cold?" he said,

Tango: Ooh! Pick me, pick me!
Rebecca: Tango?
Tango: Because it's winter!
Tsuneo: Assuming he's the escapee from the intro - which he almost
certainly is - doesn't it seem a bit silly to come from Canada and
complain about the cold?
Rebecca: Well thanks to global warming, British Columbia is now a
tropical climate.

> fingering his bounty hunter license.

Dan: Actually, it's a television licence with the word television
scratched out and... [Tango passes him a business card] Oh, forget it.

> They'd better pay in full, up front, this time.

Rebecca: So what happens if he doesn't get his man?
Tsuneo: The ADP gets an unconditional refund and a credit towards
their next man.

> It had been one week since he'd gotten to Tokyo,

Dan: And already someone had stolen all his underpants.
Tango: And he'd already spent all his money on square watermelons.
Tsuneo: And he'd been mugged three times in the arrivals lounge.
Rebecca: And a boomer had just assimilated his fillings.

> and he'd wasted no time in applying for a bounty hunter license

Dan: Unfortunately, they sent him a fishing licence instead, so he
crossed out the word... [Tango hands him another card] Silly me.

> and had advertised his services as a mercenary right away. 

Rebecca: Competition's harsh in that field around here.

> It's decent work,

Tsuneo: And completely illegal.

> but the pay sucks.

Dan: So it's not really decent work after all is it?
Tango: Well, they did give him a big motherf'king gun.
Tsuneo: And you get to meet all kinds of interesting people...
Briefly.

> Strolling into the headquarters, Ashley immediately attracted
> the attention of everyone present.

Rebecca: Um, Ashley? Some clothes?

> No problem, that was normal.

Tsuneo: There's nothing normal around here.

> "I'd like to see Leon McNicholas, please."

Dan: I'm sorry, he's in traction right now. Can I take a message?

> Ashley said in a customarily pleasant tone of voice.

Tsuneo: [Desk clerk] The last thing I need is a cheerful person
before my morning coffee.
Rebecca: Unfortunately Reg Hollis was on front desk that day.

> The secretary tore her eyes away from his face,

Rebecca: My god, what's that ugly thing on top of your... No, wait,
that's your head.

> "One moment, sir."

> Leon came to stand next to the secretary only moments later.
> "Ashley, what can I do for you?"

Rebecca: [Ashley] I'm here for those sure-fire chick pulling classes.

> Ashley liked Leon.

Dan: He's the only one.

> He was a guy who had a good head on his shoulders

Tsuneo: Even if it was usually dislocated.

> and he emenated good will and intent from every pore.

Tango: He's the kind of guy you basically want to hit.

> They'd already met several time during the week to conduct
> "business".

Rebecca: Really? And Daley will be so jealous!

> "Mr. Richard Kato made the wanted list yesterday

Dan: [Kato] It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!

> and now he's
> sitting uncomfortably in a warehouse in the Timex City
> district."

Rebecca: Just waiting for Clouseau to get home.
Dan: [Clouseau] Kato...
Tsuneo: [Leon] That's nice, but weren't you meant to bring him in?

> Ashley pulled a scrap of paper from his jacket

Dan: Hey look, he's got Bart Simpson's soul.

> and laid it on the front desk.

Tsuneo: [Leon] No, we don't pay restaurant bills here.
Tango: [Ashley] But it's an expenses claim!

> Leon raised an eyebrow. "That was fast."

Rebecca: [Ashley] Yeah, I've got a claim for the cab fare as well.

> "Yeah, well, time is money and I have neither at the moment."

Dan: [Leon] In that case, get out you bum!

> Pocketing the paper, Leon began to stroll away. "You'll be
> paid in full when we get the guy.

Tsuneo: [Leon] Really shouldn't have left him in that warehouse then.
Tango: [Ashley] I feel like such a fool.

> Law enforcement officers
> don't like dealing with your kind, but it works all the same."

> "Like hell. That money pays the bills y'know! I need it quite
> badly, and I need it now."

> Leon didn't even look back, "Sorry. Later."

> "Maybe the guy won't be there when you get there."

Dan: [Leon] Well you should have thought of that before you left him
there!
Rebecca: By the time he gets back, he'll be stripped to his boxers
and propped up on bricks.

> He stopped at that, turned and gave Ashley a disdainful look.
> "Fine, have it your way."

> Money exchanged hands

Dan: [Leon] Now you give *me* the money...
Rebecca: [Leon] Well, he's not mint on card anymore, so I can't give
you much for him.

> and the bounty hunter was on his way
> out the door, followed by stares and a thunder of murmurs.

All: [Loudly] Rhubarb, rhubarb rhubarb, sodawater rhubarb!

> As he left, Ashley spoke over his shoulder to no one in
> particular, "It's not mannerly to talk about someone behind
> their back", and he was gone.

Tsuneo: Nor to be that loud and obnoxious, but never mind.
Rebecca: But your underpants were hanging out.

> * * * * * *

> Leon sat, legs on his desk,

Dan: And head on the floor.

> talking to his faithful partner
> Daley. The topic of discussion? Take a guess.

Tango: Last night's episode of Inspector Rex!
Dan: [Leon] Why can't we have someone on the force like that?
Rebecca: [Daley] I bet he could just rip the throats out of
boomers without trying.
Dan: [Leon] Only if he's had a ham roll first.

> "I've seen bounty hunters before, all the time actually, but
> that Ashley character is altogether different."

Dan: [Leon] Don't you remember that guy last week with the frizzy
green hair and the babe hanging off his arm? Or the big guy with
the artificial arm?

> "I know. He's been a legitimate hunter for only a week now
> and already he's bagged two assholes!" came Daley's response.

Tsuneo: [Deadpan] It'd be nice if he brought in criminals instead.

> "He seems to be a nice person- weird, but a nice guy."

Rebecca: [Daley] I like that in a man.
Dan: [Leon] You would.

> "Person? He's a boomer. The white skin is a dead giveaway."

Tsuneo: Well it would be, if this is BGC 2040.
Tango: Nope, that's because he's from Canada, and they don't have
the sun there eh?

> Daley said matter-of-factly.

> "Nope. A scan of him shows he's human and carrying an
> unknown weapon of unknown origin."

Dan: [Leon] Which is why we let him wander in and out of the
building with it.
Tango: [Tony Schiavone] It's an international object! This is
the greatest night in the history of our business!

> Several officers, fully loaded for action, dashed passed the
> two.

Rebecca: The chief wants his sandwich, and he wants it now!

> Daley slipped his gun into its holster. "He gives me the
> creeps."

Rebecca: Take that how you will.

> Leon rolled his eyes while reaching for his jacket. "Boomers!
> Who needs'em?" he said in disgust.

Dan: Genom's bottom line.
Tsuneo: Is it time to point out how much boomers have improved
the general standard of living?
Tango: Not now, we're inciting pro-human violence.

> * * * * * *

> Ashley sneezed

All: Gesundheit.

> as he made his way across town towards Timex
> City and Raven's garage.

Tsuneo: How conveeenieeent.

> The night time cold peppered him with shivers.

Tango: It also peppered him with pepper.
Dan: Because, as we'd mentioned, it's cold.

> Suddenly, on a street ahead of him, a building erupted into
> flames.

Dan: Then, house explode.

> Smoke plumed into the night sky. It was on his way
> to the garage, so it couldn't hurt to check it out.

Rebecca: You'll be saying that again when you get crushed by
burning debris.

> Rounding the corner, Ashley was met by a metallic creature
> of huge proportions, and little rationale it seemed.

Dan: Boy, Colossus is really hard up for work these days.
Rebecca: [Colossus] Rar, boomer smash, da?

> The
> thing was walking about, destroying everything in sight as
> people fled in every direction.

Tango: Citizens flee in badly dubbed terror!

> It was a war zone.

> The thing picked up some poor fellows car and totalled it.

Dan: And he was just one payment away.
Tsuneo: It was an inner-city 4 wheel drive. It had to die.

> Hope you're insured, mister.

Tango: Would you believe he bought everything except 'rampaging
boomer' insurance?
Rebecca: I bet Freud never explored the cathartic possibilities
of wholesale automotive destruction.

> He quietly walked towards the monstrosity.

Dan: Those McDonalds Happy Meal toys get uglier every year.

> * * * * * *

> "Target sighted," Priss ran lithely across the road,
> readying her knuckle bomber to commence the carnage.

> "What the hell?!" Priss magnified her viewscan. Some idiot
> was walking towards the rogue boomer!

Tsuneo: [Sylia] Get that down, it's Darwin Awards season.

> Nene, Linna, and Sylia landed their hard suits on buildings
> adjacent to the chaos.

Rebecca: [Sylia] We'll let Priss do all the work.
Tango: [Linna] Do I even get lines any more?

> The Knight Sabers readied their attack, then they stopped
> suddenly.

Dan: [Priss] Ah, forget it. There's a monkey boy down there.

> "There's some psycho in the way!" Priss fumed as she reached
> the attack area.

Tango: [Linna] Yeah, it's you, Priss.

> Then the strangest thing happened.

Tango: He turned into a giant pink elephant in a tutu.
Tsuneo: well okay, maybe not that strange.

> When the guy got within attacking range of the boomer, instead
> of tearing him apart, it just stood there, eyeing him.

Dan: [Boomer] You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? I don't see
anyone else here, so you must be talkin' to me.

> Once he
> reached the side of the boomer, Mr. anonymous calmly laid his
> hand on its leg, for it was twice the height of him.

> The boomer gave a high pitched shriek

Rebecca: [Boomer] Sexual harssment! I'll sue!

> which made Priss wince.
> The light died from its eyes and it hit the pavement with a
> sickening "Crack!".

Tsuneo: [Ashley] This is the part where you fall over.
Tango: OMFG!#BSBSBS!!@!WALLHACKAIMBOT!@!BSBSOMFG!!#!!@11
Rebecca: What did he just say?
Dan: Translating... "I hate Counterstrike players."

> Priss stood there, stone stiff, confusion and disbelief
> threatening to overwhelm her.

Tsuneo: [Deadpan] Funny, that's a familiar feeling.
Dan: So what did he just do?
Rebecca: He used the Vulcan neck pinch.
Dan: On its leg?
Rebecca: In that case, he used the Vulcan squirrel grip.

> She then looked up and saw that
> her friends were in the same state as she.

Tsuneo: Bored silly?

> Sylia scanned the stranger with her optical sensors. "Human!
> Impossible!"

Tango: Meat! Yummy! Birds! Explosive!
Tsuneo: Contrived! Certainly!

> The guy shoved his hands into his pockets, began whistling a
> tune, and started away from the scene,

Tango: [Ashley] Heh. No-one will suspect me.

> apparently having not
> the slightest clue that he was being watched.

Dan: Well no-one's actually reading this.
Rebecca: Except us.
Tango: You guys are reading this?

> Sylia landed right in front of the guy, effectively blocking
> his way.

Rebecca: Because on her own, Sylia occupies an entire thirty-meter
hex.

> "Hold it right there! Where do you think you're going?"

Dan: [Ashley] Down to the shops.

> The man stopped, studied her a moment,

Tango: Wrote up a thesis, published it and turned it into a constant
stream of Kevin Nash is a bird jokes.

> then spoke. "I don't
> believe I've ever met a lady in battle armor before. Tell me,
> do all the ladies of the night dress that way here. You're
> never going to attract potential customers

Rebecca: Except for really warped technophiles.
Dan: And other Sonada girls.
Tango: And X-Files fans.

> with something that has absolutely no appeal whatsoever."

Dan: [Priss] Do you think he's doing well?
Tango: [Linna] Dunno... She's already removed his purple knobbly bit
and he's still squirming.

> * * * * * *

> By this time the other Knight Sabers had come to stand behind
> the blue suit, the obvious leader of the group.

Dan: Isn't Sylia's suit white?
Rebecca: Yeah, but Priss' suit ran in the wash.

> Ashley sighed in contempt.

Tsuneo: [Ashley] Ho, hum, it's another group of armour-clad femme
fatales come to do me in. I really should stop being so lippy to
heavily-armed mercenaries.

> The blue hard suit in front of him repeated the question.
> "Where do you think you're going?"

Dan: [Ashley] I'm going to Disneyland.

> "Why does it matter?" He gave her a slight smile. "Very well.
> I'm on my way over to Raven's garage to pick up my bike.

Rebecca [Wearing a Mambo shirt]: Then I think I'll kill everyone
and have pizza and margaritas.

> Then
> I'm headed home to my sleazy apartment in the slums of Tokyo
> to kick back, have an uneventful dinner of macaronni and
> cheese (TM) while I watch television, satisfied?"

Tsuneo: TV and frozen foods, the two greatest achievements of
20th century culture.

> When neither of them moved. He reached into his jacket pocket.

Tango: And pulled out a plush squid.
Dan [Ashley]: Heh, wrong pocket.

> In an instant, a hard suit the color of purple

Dan: Since when have they had a purple hardsuit?
Rebecca: Nene's suit ran in the wash as well.
Tsuneo: The Colour Purple hardsuit? So it's worn by Whoopi Goldberg?
Dan: Now there's a mental image I could have done without. [Hits
Tsuneo with a cushion]

> flew at him
> with blinding speed, catching him in the stomach with a punch
> that flushed the breath out of him.

Tango: As well as several vital organs.

> Moving at the same speed, Ashley backhanded the suit in the
> helmet, shattering the visor.

Tsuneo: -And his fist.
Rebecca: WA-TAK!

> The suited woman hit the ground several feet away.

Tsuneo: For some reason, I feel I should be disgusted by now. Or
surprised. Or that I should care.

> No one moved.

Dan: Not even a mouse.

> Ashley was speaking to them again, "I see we have at least
> three excellent judges of character",

Rebecca: Where? Where?

> and then he tossed something at the feet of the blue one.

Tango: [Ashley] You cad, I challenge you to a duel! Name your
weapon!
Dan: [Priss] Railguns!
Tango: [Ashley] I really should have thought that through first.

> This caused each suit to step back a few paces.

Dan: [Priss] EEEWWW!

> "It's an EMP shock pad," Ashley indicated, "it emits a very
> high frequency electro-magnetic pulse which shuts down any
> electronic devices within a two meter radius.

Rebecca: [Sylia] I know what an EMP pad does.
Tsuneo: [Ashley] Yes, but I'm explaining for the audience.

> That's what I used on your metallic friend back there."

Dan: So shouldn't she be twitching on the ground by now?
Tango: [Ashley] No, wait, that was my hanky. Whoopsie...

> Tentatively, the blue one picked it up and studied it for a
> moment.

Tsuneo: No, when you're wearing an armoured battle suit, you
LEAVE THE EMP BOMB WELL ALONE! [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]
I needed that.

> "Power gauge is low. We gotta' go!"

> The blue one turned and nodded to a pink one, while a green
> suit ran to pick up the nefarious purple one.

Rebecca: I figure that's about all Linna's going to do in this fic.

> All together they turned to address the white stranger, who
> wasn't there anymore.

Tsuneo: [Ashley] No-one will see me behind this small sapling!

> They turned and launched themselves
> into the night sky in unison, blackness enveloping them.

Tango: Which is a fancy way of saying 'it was dark.'

> * * * * * *

> Sylia studied the ground below as she flew,

Rebecca: [Sylia] Now I'm sure this will be on the test.
Tsuneo: [Sylia] It's more interesting than the fic.
Tango: [Sylia] It seems Japan is made entirely of cheese.
Dan: [Sylia] It looks like green-sprayed donkey fur.

> "That was too weird."

> "You're telling me!" Linna flew carrying Priss, who was out
> cold at the moment.

Dan: Priss gets all the best lines.

> The Lady633 building then came into view.

> This we'll have to look into.

> * * * * * *

> "Nene, once your out of your suit

Rebecca: No, that's just too easy.

> see what you can dig up on our white friend."

Dan: [Nene] Why, what are you doing?
Tango: [Sylia] Brooding.

> Sylia puzzled over their encouter,
> while Nene set about completing her task.

> How was he able to knock Priss, as thickheaded as she can be,
> flat cold with just one blow?

Dan: He has the Fist of Death (TM)?
Rebecca: He rolled a natural twenty?
Tango: He has the ability to punch through armour like it's made
of jelly!
Tsuneo: The authour just doesn't like Priss.

> No human could smash through a
> hard suit's armor. Most boomers couldn't do that!

Dan: [Priss] Wrong!

> Several quiet, somber hours later Priss woke up with a
> headache that she said bordered on the fatal.

> EMP? Sure, everyone knew what it was.

Tango: You use it to clean your teeth. You use it to seal your
pipes. You use it to de-gauss your screen.
Dan: Tango, that's not EMP.
Tango: It's not? It works fine for me.
Dan: Remind me never to borrow your toothpaste.

> Electromagnetic Pulse. Its discovery was ancient.

Rebecca: It was discovered in the mystical, far-off ages of
the 1940s.

> They knew how it could be used and
> had developed several technologies using it, but never as
> something to be thrown around like a toy.

Tango: And never run with EMP either. Someone could lose an eye.

> What would someone
> like him be doing with that level of technology?

Tsuneo: He ripped it out of a microwave?

> He doesn't
> look to be anything more than a common street ruffian.

Dan: An incredibly buff, six two ruffian with perfect white
skin is common?
Tango: Oh yeah, it's the current fashion.

> An EMP shock pad he had called it.

Dan: [Sylia] Looked more like a drinks coaster to me.

> "Sylia! I found all I could on him, but it was hard, and boy
> was it strange."

Tango: [Nene] I had to bust into the ADP network, break down their
security programs, perform a comprehensive search, eliminate the
false leads, cross-reference with numerous other databases and
compile and print the results. It took three whole seconds.
Rebecca: [Sylia] You're slowing down.

> "Thanks, Nene."

> "Well, I have to be going now...work tomorrow." The idea of
> work certainly didn't appeal to her.

Tango: [Nene] I just want to sit at my station and download all day.

> Sylia called out a quick "bye!" over her shoulder and
> brought up Nene's findings on her console.

Rebecca: Well according to this, he's a type of root vegetable.

> "Who are you?"

Tango: No, it's not Jim Neidhart.
Dan: Who's Jim Neidhart.
Tango: Yes, he is.
Dan: Who?
Tango: Who is Jim Neidhart.
Dan: That's what I said.
Tango: Yes, Yes, Who is Jim Neidhart.
Dan: But I'm asking you that!
Tango: And I said Who is Jim Neidhart!

[Tsuneo bashes their heads together]

Rebecca: Ladies and Gentlemen, mid-nineties WWF.
Dan: Owwww...

> Sylia said to herself as she sifted through
> several screens of text. Nothing.

Dan: So she's scrolling through blank files?
Tsuneo: No, she's reading the fic.

> Nothing but a bounty hunter licenes request and several
> mercenary service advertisements.

Tango: And a complaint for keeping his stereo on too loud.

> "Who are you?" She repeated.

Rebecca: I'm Rebecca.
Tsuneo: I'm Tsuneo.
Dan: I'm hungry.
Tango: I'm Miiiiightor!

> Turning on the television, Sylia
> was shocked by the picture that greeted her.

Tango: Oprah!

> "It's him!" She turned it up so she could hear without
> mistake.

> "Have you seen this man?" came the announcement, "...this man
> is incredibly dangerous and should be considered a top
> priority threat.

Dan: He's huge!

> A reward of eight million yen is being
> offered for the capture of Ashley Asakiri."

Rebecca: Wanted, dead or else.

> "Eight million yen! What on earth could he have done to get
> a bounty that big?!" Sylia considered what she had learned.

Tango: Mass destruction, womanising and donut theft.

> He's definitely dangerous.

Tango: He drinks milk straight from the carton, even.

> Having seen what he had done to Priss made that much clear.

Dan: Come on, everyone beats up Priss. Mostly she does it to
herself.

> Ashley Asakiri, so that was his name...unusual one at that.

Tsuneo: Yes, because there are so few Japanese/English names
in BGC. Isn't that right, Priscilla Asagiri?

> (Some time later...)

> Sylia sat staring in thought out the glass doors of the
> famous Silky Doll, her owned and personally operated women's
> lingerie store,

Dan: I worry about a men's lingerie store, I really do.

> when movement on the outside sidewalk caught her eye.

Tango: But it was only the pavement tearing itself up.

> The movement hadn't alerted her, but the glimpse of
> an all too familiar man, at the moment, had.

Tsuneo: So he's got clear white skin and is wearing a white
suit, and he's trying to be inconspicuous standing across the
street from a brightly lit lingerie store in the middle of the
night?

> Upon closer inspection, she saw that it was, indeed, Ashley,

Dan: Gee, who else could it be?
Tsuneo: Elijah Frost!
Rebecca: That's it, no more Warren Ellis for you.

> making his way along the sidewalk outside the Silky Doll.

Tango: [Ashley] Pay no attention to me. I'm just Innocent
Bystander Man.

> I guess he doesn't watch the news.

Rebecca: He only watches channel ten news, so all he finds out
about is the current goings-on on Neighbours.

> He was slouched over and staring pointedly at something he
> held in his hand. Just when she thought he was gone, he
> turned and entered the store.

Rebecca: [Sylia] Hello, sir? This is a lingerie store.
Dan: [Ashley] I know, I'm just looking.

> She put on a business-like
> smile with her skills of sales professionalism written all
> over it.

Tsuneo: While trying not to smirk.

> He walked inside, looked around, and almost turned to leave
> again when he realized that he was in a women's underwear
> store.

Dan: So why did he walk in there in the first place?
Tango: He thought it was a sporting goods store.

> "What can I do for you, sir?" Sylia saw his face turn crimson.

Rebecca: [Ashley] I'm looking for something in red lace.
Tsuneo: [Sylia] And what size is your lady friend?
Rebecca: [Ashley] It's for me.

> So the idiot has a conscience. Score one point.

> Still he said nothing.

Tango: And then he realised that his shoes were on fire.

> After several drawn out moments, he spoke. "No, nothing like
> that. I'm looking for something that I loaned to a friend,

Rebecca: [Sylia] The pawn shop's three doors down, sir.

> that's all. I thought it might be in here, silly really."

> Sylia's pulse quickened. She knew what he was talking about.

Rebecca: [Sylia] Don't worry sir, it's always awkward the first
time. Now will you be wearing this with a dress, or just in
private?

> Suddenly, after hearing her voice as if for the first time,
> he gained his composure and looked as much like a shadow as
> ever. All trace of the insecure, embarassed little boy was
> gone.

Tsuneo: And hiding behind the keyboard.

> "Tell me, miss, what do you think about his terrible Ashley
> Asakiri character? The one that has the pricey bounty on
> his head. The one who's so conniving and dangerous."

Rebecca: [Sylia] Him? He's not so conniving. I mean, he gets
his face splashed all over the news, then walks up to
strangers and asks them about himself.
Dan: [Ashley] Score another for my dumb gaff file.

> He slowly slipped the device he'd been handling into his
> pocket.

Tango: [Ashley] I'll get back to Megaman Battle Network later.

> "He must be as bad as they say since he captures
> so many criminals for his own profit and destroys rogue
> boomers simply to lighten the load on society." His voice
> was dripping with sarcasm.

Rebecca: [Sylia] It could have something to do with his
violent, antisocial tendencies.
Dan: [Ashley] Damn, I'll have to return that black trenchcoat
now.

> "Why do you suppose he destroys boomers?"

Tango: Because they keep sailing up next to his base and
launching missiles at it.

> Sylia couldn't
> help but ask the question once she decided to play along
> with his little game.

Tsuneo: Hoping he didn't notice the silent alarm.
Dan: She was trying to get to the bonus prize round.
Tango: Is that the one where five ton weight isn't dropped
on your head?

> He then gave her a curious glare and then his features
> softened. His face broke into a broad grin. This took
> Sylia by surprise.

> What's he smiling about?

Tango: [Ashley] I just remembered this really funny episode
of Hey Dad.

> "I knew you'd look even more stunning without that
> dreadful battle armor on!"

Rebecca: [Sylia] Oh, you must be after the lingerie store
across the road. This is Lady's 664.
Dan: [Ashley] I am filled with shame.

> Sylia's legs felt like lead.

Tango: Her head felt like Styrofoam.
Dan: And her butt felt like-
Rebecca: Thank you.

> Her eyes opened wide. She
> couldn't move as if she were frozen to the spot,

Tsuneo: [Sylia] Damned leg fell asleep again.

> but she
> quickly regained her composure. "W-what in the world are
> you talking about?"

Tango: I don't know, I just like saying random things. Bibble!

> "Don't play that game with me, my dear."

Tango: Let's play money making game!
Rebecca: Eastmost peninsula is the secret.
Dan: Dodongo dislikes smoke.
Tango: There's a secret where fairies don't live.
Rebecca: Go up up the mountain ahead.
Dan: Go to the next room.
Tsuneo: Idiots.

> He came to stand
> next to her. Only then did she get a good look at him and
> realized that the guy was huge.

Dan: Well, he was standing on a milk crate.

> He towered over her, yet
> his body remained supple and agile looking.

Rebecca: Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons
and knees of fringe?

> This probably
> meant that he wasn't Japanese, Chinese, or Asian of any
> kind.

Tsuneo: Because you couldn't tell by his facial features.

> He certainly didn't portray or look the part anyway.
> And his skin, it was the most pale in complexion that
> she'd ever seen.

Tsuneo: Kaoru Nagisa fanclub.

> "I do believe, miss, that you've slipped up." He patted
> the desk in front of him before continuing. "You're
> voice; it matches the one that I heard last night from a
> Knight Saber in blue. Don't believe me?" 

Rebecca: [Sylia] But that one's a singer who lives in a
trailer.
Dan: [Ashley] Oh. One in red lace, then.

> He flipped an
> audio recorder out of his pocket, Sylia's voice being
> reproduced perfectly through its single speaker.

Tsuneo: Despite the electronic distortion in cannon material?
Tango: He's got a great editing suite at home. He uses it to
make naked pictures of Brittany Spears as well.

> "Continuing on...no one but the iron ladies I met would
> have known about any incident that I've had with a boomer,
> that boomer being the only one I've ever had the chance to
> meet as of yet.

Rebecca: [Sylia] You mean the one that was just on the news?
Dan: [Ashley] D'oh!

> Secondly, the EMP Shock Pad I gave the
> blue iron lady had a tracking device in it, and, according
> to my homing device," he patted his pocket, "it's right
> here."

Rebecca: [Sylia] Is that a tracking device that would be
frazzled by the EM pulse from the very same device?
Dan: [Ashley] Do you have this in black?

> He slide open the top drawer of the front counter
> and, sure enough, there it was, right where Sylia had
> left it.

Tsuneo: Because she always leaves vital Knight Sabres
business matters lying around her store.
Tango: Of course! She hides spare innerwear on the racks.

> "You already know what curiousity did to the cat,

Rebecca: Actually, we're still waiting for the forensic report.

> yet you took the bait anyway. You must have been
> asleep to let this happen."

Tsuneo: Or very badly written. 

> He stood, staring at the counter top, while Sylia
> swallowed the lump in her throat.

> "Did you find what you were looking for? I shouldn't
> think so." He placed his index finger on the license
> registry in front of her.

> He's good. How could have I let this happen?

Tsuneo: Because his amazing power of awesomeness is sapping
your intelligence?

> Sylia
> thought for a moment, searching for an excuse for her
> slip up,

Rebecca: Blame it all on Priss. That usually works.

> but could only come up with this man's ability as one.

> Sylia heard herself confessing to his accusations, though she
> couldn't understand why.

Tango: Because he put her in the comfy chair!

> "Well mister Asakiri, now that you know my little secret, what
> are you going to do?" Sylia, who was normally in control of
> the situation, was now completely lost.

> "Nothing." He had an innocent look on his face,

Dan: [Ashley] Um... I hadn't thought that far ahead.

> "After my
> little display last night I knew you weren't going to leave me
> alone. I just want to be left alone, that's all.

Tango: [Ashley] Just myself and my copy of Grand Mal.

> And besides,
> I was curious. I mean, that suit had enough hooks on it to
> catch any man's attention..." He coughed suddenly.

Tango: It should have, it was made of Velcro! Yes, velcro! The
perfect material for underpants!

> "...minus
> the 'ladies of the night joke', of course." He gave her an
> open, boyish grin.

Tsuneo: She hit him.
Rebecca: Wow Dan, his pick-up technique is almost as good as yours.

> Without warning, he spun around, coat flying in the air, and
> produced two large pistols from his coat in the blink of an
> eye. The multiple retorts of gunfire echoed around the large
> shop. A wall at the far side of the store buckled as if
> something massive and heavy had hit it, but nothing had!
> Blood, bright red and flowing, covered the wall.

Dan: [Ashley] You like it? I saw it in "The Matrix."
Tsuneo: [Sylia] And I saw it first in "A Better Tomorrow."

> Sylia caught her breath; a man lay on the floor hunched against
> the wall. Only, he hadn't been there before.

Tango: He'd been washing the window outside.

> In fact, the only
> people in the store had been herself and Ashley...or so she had
> thought.

Rebecca: [Sylia] You are highly-strung.
Tango: [Ashley] EEP! More, more! More sugar!

> He wore a green suit to which all sorts of gadgets were
> attached. A helmet sat on his head, blook leaking out through
> a grisly yellow visor. A large automatic rifle lay on the
> ground next to him.

Rebecca: [Sylia] You just shot the exterminator!
Dan: [Ashley] That's your exterminator?
Rebecca: [Sylia] You should see the cockroaches.

> "Dammit! The bastards found me! So, they do have brains
> underneath all that whatchamakallit technobabble, who knew?"

Tsuneo: Obviously not you, you moron.

> Remembering himself, Ashley turned to Sylia and placed
> something on the desk, "For allowing me to experience your
> beautiful visage."

> He then turned to leave.

Rebecca: And tripped over.

> "It's easy to see that you're in danger.

Dan: You're a dork!

> You could stay here
> if you like." Why she had offered to help, she didn't know.
> It simply came out of its own accord.

> Sylia. She told herself. You don't even know the guy.

Tango: On the other hand, you could do with someone to clean
up after Priss.
Dan: That's what Mackie's there for.

> He turned and gave her playful grin. "A wise man once said
> 'If man had just one wish, the results of that one wish
> would bring about more trouble than we already have!' I wish
> I could stay, but I don't need any more trouble."

Tsuneo: [Ashley] And I can't afford to pay rent.

> He grabbed
> the corpse by the collar and started out of the store, dead
> man in tow. "Besides, where would the fun in hiding be?"

Tango: Being shot at is much more amusing!

> * * * * * *

> Ashley sped down a highway lit by streetlights and the
> occasional passing vehicle while

Tango: Max stood on the roof and attacked street signs at random.

> on his most favored mode of transportation,

Tsuneo: Bosun jumping.
Rebecca: A Trouble Bubble.
Dan: A spaceborne DeSoto.
Tango: Moby Dick! Geronimoby!

> his black sports racer. His hair and trench
> coat were askew and flying as they blew in midnight winds.

Tsuneo: What about a helmet?
Dan: [Ashley] Helmets are for loosers. SPLAT!

> The city that never sleeps...

Tango: Because it's an insomniac. It spends most of the day with
bleary red eyes.

> and here it is, all tuckered out and snoring soundly.

> Ashley eyed MegaTokyo through goggles via red tinted lenses.

Tsuneo: Any reason why?
Rebecca: The Invid look is big this year.

> He opened up the throttle on the bike and careened down the
> silent strip of never ending black. He loved the speed and
> feel of the wheels caressing the road,

Rebecca: Until the road hit him with a sexual harassment suite.

> even if the occasional
> bug in the face was a slight turn-off.

Tango: I swallowed three flies! Yummy!

> Suddenly, a red sports racer sped up the highway along side
> of him and evened out to match his pace. The rider wore red
> as well and glared at him from behind a black helmet visor.
> She wasn't bad looking either, that much was obvious.

Tsuneo: Oh, come on! What are the odds of that happening?
Dan: Getting better every time.
Rebecca: It's the sort of logic Hollywood action films rely upon.

> It's that bastard from before!

> Priss' anger sizzled. A human and he had gotten the best of
> her in her hard suit! Dammit, and he was a man of all things!

Dan: He was a man?
Rebecca: Once, yes.
Tsuneo: Stop that. Now you're being silly.
Dan: We miss Rick.

> Ashley eyed her curiously and then smiled. "Good evening,
> pretty lady," he shouted.

Tsuneo: At this speed?
Tango: Okay, so he communicated by flash cards.

> "Put your motor where your mouth is, jerk!" She shot back at
> him. "Show me what that excuse for a machine between your legs
> can do."

Rebecca: And then to hurt him more, she slagged off his bike too.

> "Please, enough with the intimacies, we've only just met."
> Ashley roared with laughter

Dan: Shouldn't you be watching the road instead?

> and whizzed on ahead of her.

Tango: Is that like pissing in the wind?

> Priss changed gear and sailed after him. The race was on.

Tsuneo: Ahh... Young punks in love.

> Both riders dodged vehicles, narrowly missing traffic and
> giving every driver met a reason to be cautious on the
> highway this night.

Rebecca: As in, what they're not doing?

> "Wuhoo!" Ashley shouted

Tango: WiiGii!

> as the world flew by him in multi-colored blur.

Tango: It's Ashley and Priss! They've gone to plaid!

> Priss smiled, but then caught herself. She was angry with
> him...wasn't she? Although, he seemed to be enjoying himself,
> so why couldn't she?

Tsuneo: You're writing this, you tell us.

> Sirens then accompanied the sounds of passing cars. More
> distinguishable was the monotone whir of propellors as two
> helicoptors slipped passed the bikers.

Dan: And promptly blew up.

> "What the...?" Priss didn't understand this. Since when did
> helicoptors become part of the highway patrol? There were no
> boomers about, because she would have known.

Dan: So how do dinky little port-a-choppers catch up with top-
of-the-line racing bikes?
Tango: The ADP have good bicycling legs.

> Ah, the cavalry has arrived. Took them long enough. Thought
> Ashley.

> Despite her confusion, Priss continued along side Ashley at
> a constant speed.

> "Ashley Asakiri. Dismount your vehicle.

Rebecca: And pull your pants up.

> You are under arrest
> and any force used will be retaliated against!" A loudspeaker
> on one of the helicoptors blared.

> Ashley looked up at on of the coptors defiantly, "Sure," he
> hollered, "but you gotta' catch me first!"

Tsuneo: I believe that's what the gattling guns are there for.
Tango: [Ashley] And then stick me in a little red and white ball.

> Having said that, he sped up and began to dodge cars again in
> earnest, the coptors in close pursuit.

Dan: So what was he doing before?
Rebecca: Actually, he was driving backwards.

> They want my racing opponent? Ashley? Why? She had been speeding
> as well.

Tsuneo: He's under arrest for being a smug git. And bad cross-
dressing.

> After about five minutes of this 'cat and mouse' routine, Priss
> saw what she knew had been coming.

Tango: A stick of cartoon dynamite shoved in the hole.

> Ashley seemed to voice her next thoughts aloud, "Curses, a road
> block." He then swore against all people that used common sense
> in doing their job.

Tsuneo: None of them in this fic.

> What are you going to do now, Ashley?

Tango: He's gonna ram it!

> Priss slowed her bike to a stop at the side of the road, while
> Ashley soared towards a wall of weaponry, metal, and human bodies.

Rebecca: Oh, so he's going to a public high school?

> *End Chapter One*

Tango: What will happen in the next chapter? Will Ashley win his
race against Priss, or will his affection for women's underwear
prevail? All this and less!
Dan: So why did he break the chapter here?
Rebecca: To provide a cliff-hanger.
Tsuneo: Because he couldn't think of a way out of it.

> (I do not, in any way or form, own BGC or its characters. Any
> similarities in my characters to existing persons is entirely
> coincidental.)

> Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo: 2033 A BGC Fanfic: Urban Discord by Daniel
> Power

> Chapter Two: For Each Demon, An Angel

Dan: But that really depends on the current exchange rate.

> (MegaTokyo: 2033)

> As Ashley sped towards a veritable blockade of weaponry, slightly
> offset by the presence of police men,

Rebecca: Have you tried adjusting the horizontal?

> his mind raced with possibilities of escape and...

Tsuneo: What was he going to do for dinner?

> Cops? Why the hell are the cops after me? I'd expect this sort of
> thing from that bastard Lightman,

Tango: He was in Megaman 4. He was really tough.

> but law enforcement? No matter
> how hard he tried, he just couldn't see how this could be happening.

Tsuneo: Well it's simple. You're driving straight at them!

> Priss sat, still astride her bike, and surveyed the whole scene.

> He's done for.

Rebecca: Priss, you're loving this, aren't you?

> Then, in accordance with what usually happens in stories of this
> sort,

Rebecca: Something exploded for no apparent reason.
Dan: Priss fawned all over him for no good reason.
Tsuneo: He destroyed a boomer in a stupidly improbable way.
Tango: And they all went out for ice cream.

> something totally unexpected took place.

Tango: They all went 'Wark,' turned into chocobos, and a golden
chocobo city rose out of the water. They were then got a free
Choco/Mog materia for their troubles.

> Rather than stopping, as one would normally do when traveling
> towards imminent death,

Dan: Priss obviously not counting towards this total?

> Ashley didn't slow. He continued full speed into the blockade.

All: Stupid!

> Smoke plumed from a brief moment of destruction
> as debris flew into the air every which way. Flames burst out of
> the carnage and engulfed anything near. Through the haze of the
> after effect of the blast, Ashley could be seen sailing through
> the air.

Dan: [Ashley, fading] I should have worn that helmet...

> Up and over the blockade he went, landing on his feet
> behind the startled police officers without a scratch on him.

Tango: [George Takei] He looks okay on the outside, but he's
burning internally! [They all quietly applaud]

> "I'd like to stay and discuss property damage,

Dan: [Ashley] And how I haven't done enough yet.

> but I really have to be going.

Rebecca: It's about now that he realises that his pants are on fire.

> Freedom beckons me to run, and so I'll see you fine
> gentlemen later." Having said that,

Tsuneo: They shot him.

> Ashley broke into a run.

All: [British] Run away! Run away!

> Priss' eyes widened as, for the second time in the past few
> moments, something unexpected happened.

Tsuneo: Humility?

> "Run" only loosely describes Ashley's attempt at escape. He broke
> into a run and, when he seemed to have reached maximum speed for
> someone of his ability,

Dan: He fell over.

> he kept speeding up until his legs were a
> blur against the pavement. He shot forward at alarming speed and
> was gone, completely and simply.

Tsuneo: It would be kind of silly if he only partially disappeared.

> Nothing there could have caught
> up. The only thing really to describe it is the Road Runner from
> the famous cartoon. 

Rebecca: Oh boy, I wish Chuck Jones was directing this.
Tango: Then Priss zoomed past on rocket-powered roller skates, but
ran into a giant steel door that popped out of the road.

> "Well, fuck me!" One of the officers gasped in disbelief. The rest
> of the men present simply stared at where, only moments before,
> their target had been.

Dan: [ADP Officer] That does it. I'm moving somewhere safer, like
northern Ireland.

> Priss adjusted her helmet on her head as she put her bike in gear.
> Ashley's escape certainly fit his description of punching her into
> unconsciousness while in her hard suit.

Tango: But we still don't know if he can punch through boomer armour
like it's made out of jelly.

> No question about it. He's not human,

Rebecca: He's actually an uber-powerful anachronistic ESPer.
Tango: Does this meant the Rang will show up?

> that's easy enough to see.
> This is something the Knight Sabers have to handle.

Dan: That's right, whenever anything happens in this town, the
Knight Sabres have to take care of it. Why can't anyone else clean
up their own messes?

> * * * * * *

> "Go after him!? Priss, he hasn't even done anything against the
> law. Well, except maybe speed and resist arrest, but that doesn't
> make him a target for the Knight Sabers!"

Tsuneo: How about the way he attacked Priss?
Dan: And the way he made Sylia look like an idiot?
Rebecca: And the way he was groping those mannequins?
Tango: And the way he left the coke out to go all warm and flat?

> Priss and Sylia sat alone in a suite atop the Lady633 building.

Rebecca: [Priss] We could discuss this all day, or we could just shag.

> "He's going to be trouble sooner or later, so why not deal with
> him now?" Priss made her point as she sipped her soft drink.

Tsuneo: Just wait until he goes berserk, starts blowing up city
blocks, and eventually transmogrifies into an energy being and
wipes out the city.

> "We do nothing until he's proven himself a threat to the people
> here in Tokyo.

Dan: Police not included.

> He may turn out to be something entirely different than you expect."

Tsuneo: He could be working for a secret agency that's trying to
protect the world from things man was not meant to know.
Rebecca: That's it, I'm taking away your Transmetropolitan action
figures.

> Sylia fingered a small box in her hands as she spoke.

Rebecca: [Priss] So Linna finally proposed, huh?
Tsuneo: [Sylia] We're trying to decide who wears the dress at the ceremony.

> Opening it, she was greeted with a view of a pair of
> earrings, silver laced and set with diamonds. "Oh my! They're
> beautiful."

Dan: [Priss] You've got a million like those.
Rebecca: [Sylia] Oh yeah. [Mimes tossing something over her shoulder]

> Priss brought herself closer for further inspection. "Nice. Who
> gave 'em to you?"

Tsuneo: [Sylia] Makoto Mizuhara.
Tango: Ding! I'm here to award you for the most roundabout riff of the day!

[Tango upends a bowl of ice cream on Tsuneo's head]

Tsuneo: Um, thanks... I think...

> "Our mystery man gave them to me earlier today."

Dan: While giving her a lengthy explanation of the history of the British
Raj.

> "No kidding, I saw him not that long ago evading an entire police
> unit. Why would he give you these, though, unless he has a thing
> for you."

Tango: Or they're rigged, booby trapped or emit hypnotic signals
turning you into pod people. And then you'll be forced to make Daikatana.
Dan: I did wonder.

> Sylia turned an off shade of red.

Rebecca: Number 78, Hull Red. It adheres to the cheap plastic better.
[She holds up a battered CORPS! figure]

> "Nonsense. He certainly isn't
> mister right. He's probably a criminal."

> "He's probably a boomer."

Tango: And if he's an English boomer, he spends all his time in drydock
with a faulty reactor.

> "He can't be. No boomer would act the way he does, showing so
> much emotion.

Dan: Cough, cough, hack, hack, Sylvie.

> Although, I guess you never can tell with Genom."

> "I bet your hoping he's not."

> "Not what?"

Rebecca: Gay?

> "A criminal or boomer, of course." Priss stood to leave.
> "Personally, I hate the guy, but that doesn't mean you have to."

Tsuneo: For once, I'm cheering for Priss.
Rebecca: Yeah, go Priss.
Dan: I'm hearing things.

> "Honestly though, I think I could do better with someone who
> isn't wanted by the police."

Tango: On the other hand, he's worth more as a DNPC that way.

> Priss laughed in agreement. "True. See you later."

> "Bye."

Tango: Ladies and gentlemen, Priss has left the building!

> As soon as Priss was gone, Sylia sat back down on her leather
> couch to look through her suite's living room window at the night
> sky. Some hours went by until she was startled when she got a
> knock at her door. She looked at the clock, "Two o'clock in the
> morning! Who could that be at this hour?"

Tango: It's Your Mother!
Rebecca: [Your Mother] Clean your room! Do your homework!
Dan: [Sylia] You're not my mother! My room was always clean.
Tsuneo: ...Who?
Tango: No, not Jim Neidhart.

[Dan hits Tango repeatedly with a cushion]

Tsuneo: You are all weirdoes.

> Answering the door, Sylia almost slammed it again in shock. For
> who was standing in the doorway, but the man himself. 

Dan: Oh look. It's The Man.
Tango: Mah, mah, mah. What've we got here? Looks like we've got
ourselves a bunch of yankee troublemakers.

> Ashley greeted her in a polite, soothing voice. "Good morning
> Miss Stingray. Oh, it is morning isn't it? Anyway, I need to
> talk to you."

Rebecca: [Sylia] Don't you ever sleep?
Dan: [Ashley] Me and Mister Hand are always busy.
Tsuneo: Excuse me.

[Tsuneo stands up and walks to the computer desk. He fiddles with
a power plug, and the entire apartment blacks out. An enourmous
neon sign appears out of nowhere, showing the words 'DON'T GO
THERE']

Tsuneo: Thanks, Tango. This present is the best.
Rebecca: All right, already.

[Tsuneo switches off the sign, which promptly vanishes. The lights
all switch back on. He resumes his seat]

> "Mr. Asakiri!?" Sylia's mind screamed for her to refuse him the
> time of day, but she consented, playing along with him once
> again. "Oh, ah...come in, have a seat."

Tango: Thanks. I'll have mine with sauce and a side of chips.

> They both went into the living room to take up seats where
> Sylia and Priss had been not that long before.

> "Nice place you have here. I'd expect nothing less from a
> business lady."

> Up close to the man once again, Sylia had the chance to get a
> good look at him. 

Rebecca: Wait till she sees the bit of cabbage stuck to his
teeth.

> He had long black hair that hung loosely about his shoulders
> which was complemented with long bangs, cropped short in the
> middle for style.

Tango: Someone call the salon! We have a bad case of Anime Hair
here!

> He wore what looked like black Genom army
> fatigues that were covered with a massive black trench coat.

Dan: I'm detecting a running theme here.
Tango: But his boxer shorts were bright green.

> All the black he wore was rather perplexing,

Tsuneo: In the way that every so-called gritty hero has worn
black for the last five years?
Tango: Well you can't really be a gritty hero in neon pink.

> but there was one thing that stood out on the man.

Rebecca: The white skin?
Dan: The dandruff?
Tsuneo: The pizza smeared down his front?
Tango: The bright tie?

> His eyes; they were blue and
> set high over fine cheekbones. They were the bluest she had
> ever seen; blue to the point they looked unreal.

Rebecca: Then she adjusted the palette a bit and re-rendered.
Much better.

> Sylia realized that she was staring and coughed to push aside
> her embarrassment.

> "So, what is it you'd like to talk about Mr. Asakiri?"

> "I'm a rather popular person all of a sudden."

Tsuneo: In a purely talked-about sense.

> "Is that all you want to talk about? I have nothing to say
> about that."

Rebecca: [Sylia] I did not report you to the police and they
are not outside right now at all. No sir.

> "No, I just meant that everyone I run into seems to know my
> name before I've given it."

Dan: It could be that 'Hi, My Name's Ashley' shirt he's wearing.

> "Of course they would. You were on the morning news with
> quite a large amount on your head."

Tango: How do you fit all that fruit on the one hat?

> If Ashley was surprised at this, he was doing a good job of
> hiding it.

Tsuneo: You really should keep up with the news.

> "Well, about the business at hand. I need your help."

All: We noticed.

> "Help? I don't understand."

Tango: I mean, you're The Man. What could you need?
Tsuneo: A fan club?
Rebecca: A personality?

> "I'm a hunted man, and I need some protection."

Dan: You've got nothing to worry about. They're not going to put
CLOWN into fifth ed.

[Tango upends a bowl of ice cream over Dan's head]

Tango: Obscure bonus!

> "Sure you would, you're wanted by the police for something
> nameless, but most likely against the law."

Tango: Yup, they're going to arrest him for 'fill in later.'

> Sylia's brow
> furrowed in disgust. "For all I know, you should be shot dead
> where you stand."

Tsuneo: Do it!

> "I think that you'll trust me when I tell you that I've done
> nothing wrong.

Dan: We've still got to wait for the jury to make up their minds
on that one.

> Most of what I've done to make me popular with
> the police is self defense."

Tango: [Ashley] Yeah, like when I blew up that bus load of nuns.
Tsuneo: They call that resisting arrest, and yes, it's a crime.

> He sat back on the couch and crossed his legs in relaxation.

> "Trust you! Why should I?"

Dan: Let's hand this over to our panel. Judges?
Rebecca: He's moderately buff and Sylia doesn't get any.
Tango: Because he's got lots of chocolate ice cream?
Tsuneo: He's controlling your mind?
Dan: There you have it.

> "Oh, I think you already do. You let me into your own house
> for one.

Tango: And all she's got is vanilla and not even the French kind.

> You let me in even though I might be as bad a person
> as everyone has been made to believe." He leaned forward to
> place emphasis on his words.

Rebecca: [Sylia] Allow me to correct my mistake.

> "Well, you've done nothing to prove them wrong..." Sylia began.

> "...And nothing to prove them right." He countered. "I feel I
> need to tell you something. Something that I've told no one
> and have been running from for quite a while."

Tsuneo: Don't worry, they have support groups for that.

> He spoke slowly
> and quietly to make his words sound grave and important.

Dan: Or to be more precise, half asleep.

> "Maybe you're not sure where to place your trust. But I, on
> the other hand, am sure when I give my trust to a Knight
> Saber, a fighter of crime and a seeker of justice."

Rebecca: So you're giving it to three people?
Dan: He meant that she fights crime and seeks justice.
Rebecca: And she employs Priss?

> He
> motioned in her direction to make it clear who he was talking
> about.

Rebecca: So you're using sarcasm to win her over?

> Sylia didn't speak.

Tsuneo: She was on the phone to her agent.

> Seemingly satisfied with her lack of retort,

Dan: Actually, you've put her to sleep.

> Ashley began his
> oration. "It's not the police that are really after me, it's
> a company called BioCite.

Tango: Biocite! Manufacturers of the artificial appendix and
the underwater barbeque!

> This company has been fighting with
> Genom for years for technological supremacy.

Tsuneo: Which is why we've never heard of them before.
Tango: Genom bought out all their advertising air time.

> I escaped one of
> their labs in Canada and now they're trying to get rid of me
> before I botch up their plans for a new technology.

Dan: And hid in one of the biggest and most dangerous cities
in the world. Smart one.

> A technology which is in my body, now, as we speak.

Tango: He's got Active Enzymes.
Rebecca: That's right, if you wash your clothes in Ashley, they
come out brighter than bright and more colourful than ever.
Tsuneo: He's Special.

> BioCite
> sent out the bounty on my head to find me, and it seems to
> follow me wherever I go, casting me into bad relations with
> the authorities.

Tango: [Ashley] I mean, they never remember my birthday or
anything!

> Despite what you might believe, I'm a really
> important person, just not in a way that would help me keep
> my life.

Tsuneo: [Ashley] After all, the whole universe revolves around me.

> I've been running from them for four years.

Rebecca: He's been searching for the one-armed scientist?

> That's
> four years of my life that's gone to waste because I was the
> right man to be tested.

Dan: And just why did they test it on you?
Rebecca: He owed them money.
Tango: They just didn't like him.

> That's four years I've been living in fear of being killed.

Tsuneo: [Ashley] So I moved to Megatokyo for a nice, relaxing
break.

> That's four years of going on
> without knowing if my wife and two daughters are safe from
> that abomination of a company."

Dan: Which is why I go out of my way to draw attention to myself!
Rebecca: Ashley, you're a twit.

> Sylia let all this information sink in.

Rebecca: [Sylia] Zzzz...
Dan: Oh sure, Ashley. I'm writing this all down.

> It was all believable.

Tsuneo: It was?
Rebecca: Hey, compared to some Marvel origin stories, that's
normal.

> She'd heard of cases where guinea pigs were plucked from the
> populace by Genom for their top secret experiments.

Tsuneo: I mean, you get these strange, depraved scientists who
experiment on their own daughters. Oh wait, sorry.

> "What is this technology that you carry?"

Dan: [Ashley] It's these little nanites! I mean they can do
anything for me. They can make a near-monomolecular sword, they
can build this cute little cat thing, they can even turn me
into a Japanese schoolgirl!
Rebecca: Dan, what the hell are you going on about?
Dan: I... I have no idea.
Tango: [Ashley] It's the power to do long division! But only
to three decimal places.

> "Sorry, that I can't tell you.

Tsuneo: The authour hasn't made it up yet.
Rebecca: That's a great way to start off a trusting relationship.
I mean, who hides everything from the people they expect to help
them? Whoops, sorry Sylia.

> Let's just say that it's
> important enough to kill for or to be destroyed for fear of
> other companies getting it.

Tango: [Ashley] I am the six hundred dollar man!

> I know some of what it can do,

Dan: [Ashley] It makes me stronger, faster, more alive!
Rebecca: That's Nucleon!
Dan: Whoops.

> but I've never tested its limits or possibilities."

Rebecca: That'll have to wait until the dramatic climax where
he pulls out all the stops to defeat the big boss. Then what
do you know, Vegeta merges with his dad and they do it instead.

> Ashley
> was once again back in his casual demeanor. "Um, do you
> suppose I could have a glass of water?"

Dan: [Ashley] Those nanites get really hot when they're working.
[Pause] I shouldn't have said that.

> "Uh, sure."

> Sylia spoke to Ashley from the kitchen. "So, let me get this
> straight. You want the Knight Sabers to protect you so one,
> you won't be killed by BioCite, and two, so that no one else
> gets there hands on you. Am I right?"

Rebecca: [Sylia] Of course, I will be paid for this.
Dan: [Ashley] Ah. Problem.
Rebecca: [Sylia] The door's on the right. Don't let it hit
your butt on the way out. 

> "That's pretty much it." Sylia handed him a glass and set a
> pitcher of water on the coffee table. "Thanks."

> In moments the water was gone and he was asking for another
> pitcher. After about another liter or so of water, Ashley
> was ready to leave.

> Awfully thirsty, isn't he?

All: NAW!

> "I'm going to have to talk to my associates about it, there
> being no fee involved and all."

Tango: Who the hell mentioned there being no fee? Not even any
ice cream?

> "No, that's not true. I'll pay with what I have. It's
> probably not as much as you would like, but I do have money."

Rebecca: Okay, so it's all in Argentinean money...

> Sylia seemed pleased at hearing this, but something still
> bothered her about the whole thing.

Tsuneo: [Sylia] Remind me exactly why I agreed to this.

> "I don't understand, though. You've managed to get away from
> them for the last four years, but now you need outside help,
> why?" Sylia placed her hands on her hips questioningly.

Dan: [Ashley] I never met anyone as hot as you before, and I
had to make an excuse.

> "Because BioCite has things just as big and nasty as Genom,

Tango: I mean, they've got superobots and hyperobots! They've
even got Gekiganger.

> and if Genom were to find out about my being here I could
> begin to take heat from both sides.

Rebecca: SO WHY DID YOU COME TO FRELLING MEGATOKYO IN THE
FIRST PLACE?!?
Tango: He wanted to get a discount digital camera.
Rebecca: Oh, that's okay then.

> It's simple, I need you
> to guard one side while I fight the other." Ashley stood
> and made his way for the door.

Tsuneo: In other words, "I'll be getting into even more
trouble and expecting you to take the flak."
Dan: [Sylia] Gee, thanks. I like you too.

> "If you don't mind, I'll
> need your answer by tomorrow.

Tango: [Ashley] That's when they kick me out of the hotel.

> If I'm on the news this soon,
> then Genom won't be far behind in looking for me."

> "All right then, tomorrow."

> "Great, meet me at Raven's garage in Timex City at two
> o'clock in the afternoon. I'll be picking up a bike from
> Dr. Raven."

Tsuneo: Is it just me, or is Raven's Garage the centre of the
universe in BGC fanfics?
Rebecca: No, it's Sylia's bedroom.

> He walked out the door and turned back to face Sylia. "Oh,
> and wear those lovely suits of yours that accent all your
> good looks. They add character and you may need them where
> I'm concerned. And see what you can do about Miss Purple,
> I think she wants to beat me senseless something fierce."

Dan: What, Nene?

> With that, he put his hands in his pockets, winked at
> Sylia, and began whistling a tune as he made his way
> towards the exit.

Tango: And promptly walked into the wardrobe.
Dan: [Ashley] Heh... It's the other way.

> Remembering something, Sylia called out to him from her
> doorway. "By the way, thank you for the wonderful earrings!"

Tsuneo: If he's just an escaped fugitive, where's he getting
all his money for tracking devices, jewellery, EMP gear and
trenchcoats for?
Tango: Repossessing Lamborghinis from failed dot com
millionaires.

> "Your welcome! Think nothing of it. The box is a tracking
> device." He turned, gave her that boyish grin of his, and
> continued on his way.

Dan: And then she hit him.

> * * * * * *

> He doesn't seem to be a bad guy.

Tsuneo: Do you mean the way he won't tell you what's in him,
or the way he bugged you with multiple tracking devices?

> I wonder how it is he's supposed to be so dangerous?

Rebecca: His personality?
Tango: He likes rainbow swirl?

> Sylia pushed the question from
> her mind. Looks can be deceiving and she'd had plenty of
> experience with the kind of scum that could act the part of
> a charmer.

Tsuneo: So bright, yet so blind.
Rebecca: I mean after all, she lives with Mackie.
Tango: Good shot, madam!

[Tango upends a bowl of ice cream over Rebecca]

Dan: [Stares at Rebecca] Wow, that stuff *is* cold.

[Rebecca pulls the bowl off her head and proceeds to beat Dan
senseless with it until it breaks. The bowl, not Dan, that is]

Rebecca: Do you know how long it's going to take to get this
out of my hair?
Dan: Eber eber yabble...

> Still, there was something about him that offset
> him from the everyday.

Tsuneo: The fact that he's carrying a mysterious form of
technology in his body that makes him ten times as smug as
a normal human.

> Don't bother yourself with it right
> now. Sleep on it, that's the way. I'll call the girls and
> discuss the details tomorrow.

> With a yawn, Sylia was off to bed.

Rebecca: That almost sounds like an idea to me right now.
Tsuneo: The fic's having that effect.
Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.
Rebecca: Tango? Can you fix him?
Tango: Certainly! [He headbutts Dan]
Dan: My life is one odyssey of pain and suffering.

> * * * * * *

> "Well, didn't that go smoothly?" Ashley spoke to himself as
> he exited the Lady633 building.

Tango: It was so smooth, it was smooth with a capital W.

> The cold night air greeted him. 

Dan: Hey, Ashley.
Tsuneo [Ashley]: Good to see you, night air.

> After walking a few blocks, Ashley was suddenly aware of
> someone following him.

Rebecca: I sense a presence.
Tango: Nope. Nobody here but us heavily-armed invisible commandos.
Rebecca: Well that's a relief.

> Chills of awareness ran down his spine
> as he surveyed the street and the connecting alleyways.

Dan [Ashley]: We'll extend put the footpath, plant a whole bunch of
trees, maybe put in a few seats... It'll be nice.

> He
> vaulted to a nearby roof, cracking pavement as he launched

Tango: SPOOOOOOOON!

> and flew through the air before hitting the hard surface of
> the

Dan: -Wall.
Rebecca: Flatbag.

> building with an audible "crack!" Producing a pair of
> .454 magnums from his jacket in the blink of an eye,

Tango: As well as his own boxer shorts on the end of his guns.

> he cast
> his gaze downward towards the street below. For several
> moments nothing moved,

Tsuneo: And he realised he'd landed with his back to the assassin.

> and then something detached itself
> from the shadows directly below him.

> A large man stood staring directly at him over the barrel of
> an equally large automatic weapon. He wore a green suit,

Rebecca: Poor Reptile. He's gone from super-secret character
to filler in fanfics.

> gadgets protruding in patterns from its material.

Dan: It's the new Swiss Army Mook.

> He wore a
> black helmet and gazed at him through an all too familiar
> grisly yellow visor.

Tango: As opposed to a Kodiak brown visor, a Polar purple visor,
a Sun puce visor or a Koala green visor.

> Ashley had only seconds to voice the word "Shit!"

Tsuneo [Checks watch]: Time's up, Is that your final answer.
Dan [Ashely]: Uh yes. My answer is... Shit!
Tsuneo: And the correct answer is: Belize. Sorry.
Dan [Ashely]: Crap. Can call a friend?
Tsuneo: Go away.

> before shell sprayed in his direction,

Rebecca: So... a single shell somehow sprayed?
Tango: It was a really, really, really, really, really, really, really,
really, big shell. He fired it from his 45mm silencer.

> catching the side of the
> building and working its way up towards him.

Dan: Puff... puff... must... climb wall... must... work my way up...
must get... smug-arse god boy...

> The gun's
> retort echoed through the night, consistent in its machine
> gun sound.

Tango: Wordy bugger, ain't he?

> Pieces of the building flew every which way as
> Ashley jumped from his perch on the building to the man's
> position on the ground.

Rebecca: And fell flat on his face.
Dan: Let's face it, he's a total yutz.
Tango: But a yutz in a nice suit.

> Explosions rang in his ears as
> grenades flew at him from his attacker and struck the building.

> Bringing his pistols to bare on the assailant,

Tsuneo: He stripped the opponent's clothes off?
Rebecca: He's a smug, omnipotent, kinky god-boy.

> Ashley fired a volley of shells.

Tsuneo: Yeah, yeah. I saw this all in "A Better Tomorrow".

> A sickening crunch could be heard as blood
> sprayed over the road, coating its surface like some type of
> vengeful paint.

Tango: Vengful Paint II! Turquoise Strikes Back!

> Hitting the ground, Ashley stood over the
> bullet-riddled body, triumphant.

Tango [Ashely]: Take that, nameless flunky! Splat splat kapow blam!
Dan: [Ashley] Pity about the surrounding city...

> Ashley took a close look at the body. Although a bullet had
> torn the man's uniform, he could still see the word "BioCite"
> written across the soldier's chest.

Dan: They're name-brand mooks, I guess.
Rebecca: There's a great way to cover your tracks. Put your logo
on the chest of your covert-ops personnel.
Tango: They do product endorsements while performing contract killings.
I can live with that arrangement.

> A beeping, soft and
> constant filled Ashley's senses and, just as quickly as it
> had begun, it stopped.

Dan: Damn beeper keeps going off when I least want it.

> Realization suddenly dawned on the seasoned veteran. He
> jumped backard just as the body exploded in a violence of
> fire.

Tsuneo: "Go to the hell!"

> It sent him flying unwillingly across the street

Rebecca: Ashely here flies like Puma Man. Badly.

> as it took out the front of an adjacent building.

Dan: What was with that guy? Did they pack a nuke up his arse
or something?

> Debris clouded the night sky, as did the flames.

Tango: This reminds me of home. Ahh... the memories... the head
injuries...

> Coughing violently, Ashley stood and decided to make a
> hasty retreat of the scene.

Dan [Ashley]: Exit, stage left.

> He decided too late, though.

Rebecca: In retrospect, he probably shouldn't have spent all his
time picking a witty phrase to sprout before departing.

> Sirens blared and two police cruisers filed into the area,
> effectively spotting him and blocking his escape route.

Dan: Can't he go around them?
Tsuneo: No. Those two cars have reached the stacking limit for this
hex.
Rebecca: And how did the cops get there in thirty seconds?
Tango: Because if they don't, they have to give a 10% discount.

> Four police officers poured from the cars, bringing guns
> out before anything else.

> That was quick.

Dan: Unless measured by Silver-Age Marvel standards.
Rebecca: But if this was Silver-Age Marvel, then they'd be caught
up chasing down Stilt-Man.

> One of them shouted. "Stay where you are!" Before pointed
> a mean looking gun in his direction. "Freeze, asshole!"

> Ashley stared back coldly, barely containing his laughter.
> "You write those lines yourself?"

Dan: No, the authour does.
Rebecca: I think by this point he's giving up trying.
Tsuneo: At least he's not talking at the audience anymore.

> He burst into a fit of
> laughter. "Hold on, let me try...ahem 'raise your hands to
> the sky you mangy varmint befar I make you dance on yer
> grave, ya yella' bellied muck sucker!'"

Tango: Hurn hurn, P-tang.

> He then became
> very serious. "I'm sorry. I saw that in a movie once."

Rebecca: Which one?
Dan: Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD.
Rebecca: Figures.

> Yet another officer hopped out of one of the cars. Unlike
> the others,

Tsuneo: He was wearing red high-heels and carrying a small,
fluffy white dog.

> this officer was a petite woman and she had a
> peculiar mop of pink hair.

Rebecca: Mylene Genius in a surprise cameo.
Tango: I warn you! She's got a Tribble and she won't hesitate
to use it.

> She looked quite out of place
> standing amidst the brawny enforcers.

Tango: Yeah, she didn't explode as soon as she got out of the car.

> She looked at Ashley and a look of surprise crossed her
> features before she regained her formal look of justice.

Dan: For Great Justice, Take Off Every Nene!

[Three-man beatdown]

Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.

> "State your business before we take you in for disturbing
> the peace!"

Rebecca: And try not to get Trooper 28's brain on your shoes.

> Ashley look mildly amused as he related his tale. "You see,
> officers, I was out minding my own business when this guy
> attacked me and then, funny enough, he exploded right in
> front of me, damn near burnt my best jacket!"

Tsuneo [Asley]: Honestly, that's what happened.

[Cricket chirps]

Tsuneo [Ashely]: Come on, it was a random encounter and I left
my Moogle Charm at home!

[Cricket chirps]

Tsuneo [Ashley]: And he had wind. He told me that himself just
before he blew up!

> "Then how do you explain those weapons you're carrying?"

Rebecca: Those? Those aren't guns. They're... cigarette lighters.
Yeah.

> "Weapons?" Ashley glanced down to see that he was still
> holding his magnums, one in each hand, and was gripping
> them until his knuckles were white. "Oh, those weapons!
> They're...uh...oh, hell!"

Tango [Ashely]: Look over there! It's a convenient distraction!

> He broke mid-sentence in his
> excuse and hurled himself at the nearest building.

Rebecca: Flatbag.
Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.

> He
> effectively burst through, showering metal everywhere,
> leaving an Ashley sized hole in the process.

Tango: Can't you leave by the hole you made earlier?
Tsuneo: Ashley is one big hole.

> Gunfire rang
> in the night behind him as he made a quick getaway.

Tsuneo: ...Well that was surprisingly easy.
Rebecca: He's got to be burning up his supply of plot contrivances.
I'm wondering how he'll make it through the rest of the chapter.
Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.

[Tango headbutts him again]

Dan: Why me, god. Why me?

> * * * * * *

> That was him! That was the same guy from the other night!

Dan: It's the one-armed godboy!
Tsuneo: No, that's Takei Orochi.
Dan: Then... it's The Man.
Rebecca: No, he hung around with Rang.
Dan: Then... it's a guy who can punch through Boomer armour like its
mad out of jelly!
Tsuneo: No, that's Kyrind Brandford.
Dan: Then... it's some heavily armed moron!
Tango: No, that's me.

> Nene reholstered her gun as her partners ran after the guy,
> making their way through his escape route.

Rebecca: Given that your average cop can't fly and can't go through
solid walls, that's going to be very amusing.
Tsuneo: It's been a low fatality month thus far. They're trying to
make up numbers.

> How did he do that?

Tango: Through this wondrous device known only as... the pogo stick.

> No human could do that. He must be a
> boomer, but he looks and acts so human.

Tango: Oh, big deal. Glenn Ridges has been doing that for years.

> She knew, though,
> that that in itself was no excuse. Genom made a lot of
> model boomers that were indistinguishably human, to the
> point that she second guessed everyone's true identity.

Dan: Except for her IRC buddies. She knew there was no way they
were human.
Tango: KillerDeathSpyBot5000 has entered the room.

> She yawned a deep yawn. Man, was she tired. Good thing she
> didn't have to work the late night shift. For now, sleep
> was all that was on her mind.

Rebecca: So instead, she stayed up all night playing Wolfenstein
against some guys from Finland.

> * * * * * *

> Lost them.

Dan: Have you checked on the coffee table?

> Ashley ran through streets void of life

Rebecca: Oh, so he's in Adelaide now.

> and pondered his next move.

Tango: He moved his little doggie to Park Lane and bought it from
the bank.

> He had to lose the persistent little bastards. They
> were depriving him of sleep,

Tsuneo: So does my neighbours dog, but I don't try to blow it up for that.
At least, not much.

> and that was one thing he hadn't
> been able to get in a while.

Tango: The other one was a bath. By now, even the buzzards were avoiding
him.

> When your life's constantly being
> put on the line one finds little time for sleep.

Rebecca: He should learn to prioritise. If he spent less time standing
around being insufferably smug and more time fast asleep, he wouldn't
be in this mess.
Tango: There's just not enough save points in Megatokyo.

> Ashley's chain of thought was shattered just as he was struck
> incredibly hard from behind.

Tango: He'd just been run down by the plot.
Tsuneo: I was wondering when that would happen.

> His entire body seemed to bend under the attacker's fist

Dan: How many points of poseability does he have?
Rebecca [Looks at the screen]: Not enough.

> and he was sent sprawling to the
> ground several feet away, the wind knocked completely out of
> him.

Tsuneo: If there's one thing I hate, it's some know-it all kid playing
as Akuma and doing nothing but cheap fireballs.

> Struggling to get up, Ashley was met by a boot to the stomach.

Dan: Hi! I'm a boot to the stomach!
Tsuneo [Ashley]: Pleased to meet you. Oof.

> It sent pain through his whole upper body

Tango: And then sent it on a scenic tour of Wyoming.

> and pushed him
> several feet into the air. Before he could hit the ground, he
> was punched yet again, but in the head this time.

Tsuneo: Cheap combo twinks. I can't stand them.
Rebecca: It could be worse. He could be caught in Eddie Gordo's
legsweep chain.

> Pushed to
> the brink of blacking out, he spun in the air while sailing,

All: Oooh... Ahhh...

> for the second time in several seconds, several feet before
> hitting the ground.

Rebecca: Graceful performance, but he's going to lose points for
that landing.

> Boomer. Ashley thought as he stood raggedly on his feet to
> get a look at his attacker.

Tango: It was a small kid with a fluffy teddy bear.
Tsuneo [Ashley]: Something's not right here.

> It was a woman with blond hair,
> standing before him in purple business attire and dark sun
> glasses, and her finger nails had grown to about a foot in
> length,

Rebecca: Oh great. Wolverine in drag. Just what we needed.
Tsuneo: Depends, is Claremont writing this story?
Rebecca: No.
Tsuneo: Damn. I was hoping he'd be kidnapped and tortured by
cyborgs.

> revealing them to be blades of the sharpest kind.

Tango: The Nerf kind!

> She smiled coldly at him in the early morning sunlight.

> "All right bitch! That was totally uncalled for!"

Tango: It's polite to tell someone that you're going to beat the living
crud out of them before you do.

> Ashley had
> fought several boomers in the four years of his escape.

Rebecca: He'd run away from plenty more of them.

> BioCite,
> taking kindly to the designs put on the market by Genom, had
> developed several models of their own, but they could never
> seem to match Genom's caliber of machine.

Tsuneo: Next time, don't use Boomer parts form dodgey guys operating out
of car boots.
Rebecca: Okay, so as a combat machine it's lackluster. But as a drinks
dispenser, it kicks some.

> He was the result of
> their attempts of accessing other areas of marketable military
> technology.

Dan: He was the end product of a program to develop a bottomless can of
meat-substitute.
Tango: Meat... Good!

> At the moment, he was quite ready to show BioCite's
> competitors that they weren't the only ones who could play with
> power,

Tango: I can do that too! [He holds up a fork] Now where's a wall socket?

> as much as he "disliked" the idea.

> Cracking his knuckles,

Dan: Crick crack knuckles. Ooooooooh!

> Ashley blurred in the speed of his movement.

Tsuneo: He's going into bullet time!
Rebecca: Great. Now he can be shot in slow motion.
Dan: Focus! Focus!

> Catching the boomer in the stomach with a fist, he

Dan: -Punched through it like it was made out of jelly?
Tsuneo: Why are you so hung up on that fic?
Dan: Because I have the sneaking feeling that, one of these days,
the second half of it will sneak up on us and POW!

> sent it sailing through the air where it skidded across the
> pavement in several jumps.

Rebecca: And then rammed head-first into a wall.
Tango: Thay may not be graceful, but they at least look good!

> It got back up and came at him,
> claws glinting in morning sunshine.

Dan: Wasn't it just the middle of the night?
Rebecca: Don't think about it.
Dan: But-
Tango: He and the cops spent six hours staring each other down. We didn't
notice because we were watching Sealab 2021.
Tsuneo: Tango, I'm taking away your TV.
Tango: Fignuts!

> Steel claws raked his left arm, ripping open his flesh.
> Reaching out, Ashley grabbed the machine by the head. As it
> squirmed to break free, Ashley began to spin in circles, the
> boomer in tow. Increasing his speed, Ashley began a whirlwind
> motion

Tsuneo: So is this Our Hero, or is it Flash from Superfriends?
Rebecca: No, if it was Superfriends Flash, he'd have changed colour for no
reason by now and flown at least once.
Tango: And Ashley pulls out the worst wrestling move of all time! The
crowd changes colour!

> and released the surprised assassin. It screeched
> during its flight until it connected with a building,

Dan and Tango: Cross-Crash! Cross-Crash! CROSS-CRASH!!!

[Rebecca bashes their heads together]

Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.
Tango: Again!

> crashing through it without slowing down. 

Tsuneo: And lighting up every police radar for miles around.
Rebecca: Did you see how fast that boomer was going?
Tango: Nope. Pass me the donuts.

> Rushing after the boomer, the battle's defender raced to see
> if the thing had been dealt with. Upon reaching where it lay
> amidst the building's rubble,

Tsuneo: Another ruined building? What do they make them out of
around here, masonite?
Rebecca: Quincy bought out Tokyo's biggest cardboard company and
needed to dump excess stock.

> Ashley paid no attention to the
> people running and screaming in every direction.

Tango: Citizens flee in badly-dubbed terror!

> Picking up
> what was left of the thing, he ripped its head from its
> shoulders. Circuitry fountained out like blood,

Rebecca: And the coolant goes pssssssht in slow motion.

> still buzzing
> with activity. Glaring with the most horrid and frightening
> stare he could muster,

Tango: That's it, no more mister nice guy. Now meet... Mr Angry Eyes!

> he spoke coldly and with determination
> at the head. "Leave me the fuck alone! Leave me be or I shall
> see your body lined up here nicely next to your bitch of an
> abomination!"

Tsuneo: I guess that means that dinner's off.
Tango: We at the FCC object to this f**king inappropriate language.

> Without looking back to the destruction that
> lay strewn about, Ashley tossed the head aside

Rebecca [Ashley]: Another one? Man, all I get is the blonde ones
these days.

> and strode towards his apartment and some much needed sleep.

Tsuneo: Yes! Sleep is good!
Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.
Rebecca: Could you?
Tango: Sure! [He climbs up on top of the couch and dives, Benoit-
style straight onto Dan's head.]
Dan: Please make the hurting stop.

> * * * * * *

> "Leave me the fuck alone! Leave me be or I shall see your
> body lined up here nicely next to your bitch of an
> abomination!" A video screen played back what an assassin
> boomer had only moments before been subject to.

Tsuneo: Now they're using stock footage to cover for their miniscule
budget.

> "I knew it! I knew BioCite had fumbled and here is the result.

Tsuneo: I rolled a three on my "create instrument of destruction" skill.
What happened?
Rebecca: You created... [Fumbles with papers] A machine that produces
palette-swap ninjas in player two costumes.

> I have the chance to get my hands on their new product.

Dan: [Geeky] Sir, he doesn't seem to want to be captured.
Tango: [Quincy] Just follow the trail of name-brand mooks and
ruined buildings.

> A
> product with incredible potential when put to the proper uses."

Dan: [Quincy] I always wanted a back scratcher.
Tango: Big Kev's barbeque cleaner!

> Quincy, chairman of Genom Enterprises, looked at the video feed
> brought to his attention by an employee.

Tsuneo: [Quincy] It's nice and all, but it's just not as good as
last year's "World's Funniest Boomer Rampages" Christmas party video.

> "He's human, but
> amazingly strong. A human and he bested a boomer! Oh, this is
> too perfect. I must have it. I must have that technology!" 

Tango: [Quincy] With that, I could rule the world!
Tsuneo: [Geeky] But sir, you already rule the world.
Tango: [Quincy] That's right, go ahead and ruin all my fun.

> Tapping on a communications console, Quincy barked out orders.

Dan: [Quincy] A number three combination of stuff, two slabs of
dead thing, a  side-order of deep fried mush, three green lumpy
things and a piece of steak cut into the shape of a trout.

> "Prepare a squad of assault boomers. The target is a man by the
> name of Ashley Asakiri.

Rebecca: You will be able to recognise him by his distinctive smirk.

> I want him brought to me alive and at
> all costs!" He leaned back in his chair and stared out at the
> sky. "Jason, my worthy opponent, you have made a mistake.

Rebecca: You wore the wrong colours after labour day.

> This
> mistake will be your downfall. I will find a way to crush you!"

Dan: LO! I shall crush your head, thus rendering you even more
inferior to my glorious self!
Tango: Then I shall bake some evil pie!

> * * * * * *

> Ashley bled all over the road as he walked down streets already
> alive with the daily lives of city denizens.

Tango: Daddy, what's that lumpy thing hanging out his side?
Dan: That's just a spleen, pay it no heed.

> Many people stopped
> to stare at him, but they were all too scared of him to offer
> their help and, so, they let him be.

Tsuneo: Actually, they just didn't care. This kinda thing happens
all the time.
Dan: But it usually happens to ADP officers.
Tsuneo: They figure he's undercover.

> Pain surged through his
> body, almost as if it had a life of its own.

Tango: D4 p41n!
Rebecca: It was demanding a trial separation.

> There was nowhere he could go now.

Dan: Not even to the bathroom.

> Genom had learned of his being here.

Tsuneo: Of course, they wouldn't be so sure if you hadn't told
the boomer yourself.

> They would
> be relentless in their desire to capture him. Now that he
> thought about it, he couldn't go to his apartment. That was the
> very place where they would first look for him.

Rebecca: Here's a hint. When you're on the run, don't register
things under your own name.
Tango: And when you choose a fake name, make sure you can spell
it. Boy, was my face red.

> He needed a place to stay, a place safe from things much
> stronger than he had anticipated.

Rebecca: [Looks up from a book] Fourteen minus, more powerful,
non-combat influence.

> You can go to Sylia. She'll understand.

Tsuneo: She puts up disembowelled freaks all the time.

> Oh, how he wanted to
> believe that! He was a Frankenstein's monster to her.

Rebecca: Complete with the bolts in his neck.

> He had to
> be. But, her knowledge of his situation made her an ally.
> Willingly or not, she was a friend.

Dan: So Sylia doesn't get a choice in this?
Tsuneo: Does she ever?
Rebecca: At least he isn't her old boyfriend.

> Ashley's vision was hazy when he reached Sylia's door.

Rebecca: In actual fact, he'd reached and all-night drive-through
taxidermist. That's how out of it he was.

> That and
> he felt as though the Red Cross had been out to take him as a
> permanent donor that day.

Tango: Can we have your liver then?

> He managed the strength to ring her
> doorbell before he passed out, propped up against the door and
> bleeding on the floor.

Tsuneo: [Mackie] Hey sis, someone's passed out on the doorstep.
Rebecca: [Sylia] Again?

> * * * * * *

> "One moment." Sylia laid down the phone, ending her conversation
> with the three girls.

Tsuneo: They're all on the other end of the line?
Rebecca: You don't want to know what they're doing there.
Dan: OOH! I DO!

[Rebecca grabs the coffee table and smashes it over Dan's head]

Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.

> They would be here in a few minutes with
> some stories of their own to tell. "Coming."

Tsuneo: [Ashley] Hurry up, I'm expiring out here.
Rebecca: [Sylia] Just a second, I need to shut off the computer.
And clean up the kitchen. And I think I might have a shower.
Tsuneo: [Ashley] Oh forget it!
Tango: You should be damned grateful she didn't spontaneously
decide to go to the Bahamas for two weeks.

> She reached for the door and it opened easily. Ashley slumped
> from the entrance and onto her porch floor. "Ashley!?"

Tsuneo: Or at least what's left of him.

> With a fair bit of effort, she dragged him into the house and
> dropped him on the couch. She knelt to inspect his wounds, for
> she could very well see that his blood was covering him.

Rebecca: He's just walked through the set of a Troma film.

> His
> jacket was sticking with it. She pulled the jacket from him,
> and had to work it free since it weighed a ton.

Tango: Ashley, what have we said about wearing your lead-lined coat?

> "What! Is this some kind of joke?"

Tsuneo: No, it's a fanfic. Try again.

> Blood covered him, yet he had no wounds as far as she could
> see. This made her ask the question. 

> Is it his blood, isn't it?

Rebecca: Actually it's tomato sauce.
Tango: He'll never piss off Mister Yummy again!

> Once she had gotten his shirt off for a closer look,

Tango: [Ashley] I'm not sure I'm comfortable with everyone knowing
I have a body like Steven King.

> she could
> see, however, that he was plastered with several large bruises.

Tango: Well someone needs a new interior decorator!
Tsuneo: So she labelled him as 'organic' and doubled the selling
price.

> Suddenly, he stirred and sat up so quickly Sylia almost wasn't
> able to follow.

Rebecca: While outside, Paul Bearer danced outside with the urn.

> "Where am I?"

> "Ashley, it's me Sylia. What happened to you?"

Tango: [Ashley] Well, the last thing I remember, I was lecturing
at MIT. That, or it was a street corner.
Tsuneo: [Ashley] There was a long tunnel... And a bright light...
Mum? Is that you?

> Ashley took a moment to look around and get his bearings. He
> stood, grabbing his ribs in pain and looked at her. "Genuine
> concern? For me? I'm flattered, really."

Rebecca: It's only because you're paying.

> She reddened at this. "I was just..." She caught herself. Why
> was she helping him?

Rebecca: He was surprisingly buff.
Tsuneo: It was in her contract.
Tango: To trade him in for shiny things!
Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.
Rebecca: I'll buy that.

> She owed him nothing.

Tsuneo: And he's betrayed and shown her up at every turn.
Rebecca: [Sylia] Out on your arse, you bum!

> For all she knew he
> could be the enemy. There was simply something about him, like
> she knew him somehow.

Tsueno: Whaddya know, it is her old boyfriend. [He mimes throwing up]
Rebecca: It's not that, he's just a nano-tech half-boomer clone of her.
Tango: Is that all? I called him Fred.

> "You were just what?"

> "I was just doing what any other concerned citizen would do."

Rebecca: [Sylia] Plus I get an XP bonus.
Tsuneo: [Ashley] So that's where my wallet got to.

> "They didn't seem that concerned to me since they preferred
> watching me bleed to death." He began putting his clothes back
> on.

Tango: Well it's a laugh, isn't it?

> "What are you doing? Let me look at your wounds." She motioned
> for him to sit back down.

> "That's alright. I'll be fine.

Tsuneo: [Ahsley] I can stuff my own intestines back in, thank you.

> It's just one of the things I often have to put up with."

Rebecca: [Sylia] You usually get diced by passing boomers?
Tango: Who doesn't?

> He ran his hands over his body, inspecting the damage.

Rebecca: [Ashley] Oh thank goodness, little Ashley's still there.

> Damage? There was none. The bruises had vanished!

Tsuneo: The animators forgot them.
Tango: They ran in the wash.

> "How did you...how did-?" Sylia stuttered in surprise.

Rebecca: IT'S INEXPLICABLE!

> "It's all part of the physiological impact the technology has
> on my body.

Tango: [Ashley] Trust me, you don't want to see what it does at
potty time.

> Given time, I'll heal.

Rebecca: Fricking mutant healing factors, everyone's got one...

> You don't need to waste your worry on me."

Rebecca: [Sylia] Well we weren't. Get out.

> Having put his coat back on,

Tsuneo: Don't you want to wash that first?
Tango: Wash? It was originally white.

> he breathed a
> sigh as he slumped back onto the couch. "I came because I
> need a place to stay.

Rebecca: [Sylia] Rent's a hundred a night. You get the couch,
and don't go anywhere near my room. If you hear screams in
the middle of the night, it's Mackie. Ignore them.

> Genom knows that I'm here. They sent
> one of their assassins to...what?

Tango: Kill you, maybe?

> Test me? I don't know. All
> I know is that it attacked me and I made sure that it
> wouldn't again."

> "You defeated a boomer in combat?"

Tsuneo: Yes! That vending machine will never short change me again!

> "Yeah, why do you find it so hard to believe?"

Tsuneo: Because it's a completely stupid and ridiculous contrivance?

> "I find it hard to believe that you're a boomer. You seem so
> real."

Tsuneo: Cough, cough, Sylvie, Anri, cough, cough.

> He sighed in contempt. "Let me make this clear. I'm human.
> I'm a person like any other Tom, Dick, or Harry.

Tango: Are you like any other Tango?
Rebecca: Nobody's like you, Tango.

> I think that-"
> He spun around in midsentence, bringing a gun up to aim at the
> doorway. Linna, Nene, and Priss stood there in stark shock.

Tsuneo: That's because he hadn't done up his pants.
Rebecca: [Priss] No wonder he carries on with his bike like that...

> Ashley lowered his magnum. "Oh...friends of yours, Sylia?"

Rebecca: [Sylia] Actually, no. They just come over here and eat all
my food.
Tango: Priss IS Cosmo Kramer.
Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.

> *End Chapter Two*

[Tango leaps up, grabs the TV and stuffs it into the back of his van]

Tango: I've invented a new flavour!
Voice: ...
Tango: Ice cream anyone?
Tsuneo: No, I've had enough already.
Rebecca: I'll pass.
Voice: Then can you do your reviews? I need to make some more repairs.
Tsuneo: Must we?
Tango: But it's so much fun! 
Tsuneo: ...
Rebecca: It's not going to hurt.
Voice: Please? Just get to the reviews already!
Tsuneo: I have read and reviewed this fic a hundred times before. If
you want to know what I think of it, go check your archives, voice.
Rebecca: Tsuneo didn't say anything, Tango won't say anything and Dan
can't say anything, so I won't set a dangerous precedent.
Tango: Linna got a whole ONE LINE in this fic! One whole line!
Hallelujah! Chocolate ice cream for all!
Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.

[They all look at Dan]

Tsuneo: Shouldn't we do something about him?
Rebecca: We could just leave him here.
Tsuneo: That's be cruel.
Tango: But funny!
Rebecca: He did serve us that chicken.
Tsuneo: Good point.

[They get up and leave. The screen turns black.]

Dan: Eeber eeber yabble.
Voice: Uh, hello? Aren't you guys going to do something about him? I
mean, I'm only a disembodied voice, it's not like I have limbs or
anything...

[There is the sound of a truck reversing, followed by crashing noises
and something heavy falling a long way]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com), Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com)
& Twin Cannon(ausmax@ihug.com.au)

Tango is copyright 1997-2001 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon)
Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Zogster)
Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick
R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random
	DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one
	spot.

Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp,
	all in one big steaming pile.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> "That was too weird."

> "You're telling me!" Linna flew carrying Priss, who was out
> cold at the moment.