Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's Episode 107, and with the reveiwers threatening open rebellion, the Voice is getting desperate for new fics... The Knight Sabers Meet Their Match is copyright DJ Power Bubblegum Crisis is copyright Artmic/Youmex. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered pieces of tinsel sticking out and a trodden-on plastic Christmas tree lying next to it.] [Dan and Tsuneo enter] Dan: You know what? Tsuneo: Of course I don't. Do tell. Dan: It's probably about time I considered decorating this place for Christmas. Tsuneo: Already? Dan: What do you mean "already?!" It's early November! Christmas is just around the corner. Tsuneo: You are hopeless, you know that? Dan: [Looks at the box] I can probably use that tree gain... Tsuneo: Hopeless. [Rebecca and Rick enter] Rebecca: And you know what, Tsuneo? I agree with you. Tsuneo: Every year it gets earlier for him. Pretty soon he'll be hanging them up in June. Dan: There's an idea! I can get decorations cheap then! Tsuneo: Never mind. Rick: Shouldn't have opened your mouth, huh buddy? Tsuneo: I think I'll go off and stick my head in the waste disposal unit. Rebecca: Geez. You're always such a sulk at this time of year. Tsuneo: What do you expect? I grew up on a planet full of Redneck Australians. For me Christmas means that everyone drinks lots of beer, eats way too much and then settles down in front of the TV to watch "The Sound of music" or a Cricket test match from the other side of the world. [Pause] Rick: So? Tsuneo: ... Rebecca [Whispered]: He's just bitter because he got socks and underpants each and every year. Rick [Whispered]: That explains it. Dan: Never mind that! I have to get the decorations ready. Rick: He's certainly busy this year. Tsuneo: I bet he'll forget about it till the last minute, then string last year's decorations up all over the place in a desperate effort to get the most use out of the least materials. Rebecca: Like he did last year? Tsuneo: Exactly. Rick: You know, I'm beginning to see why you get so depressed this time of year. Voice: Good morning all. Rebecca: And a good morning to you, Test subject 28. Voice: ... Tsuneo: That's a good one. I wish I'd thought of that. Rick: So how's thing's going, skull? Got any new stuff to throw at us? Dan: I still reckon that's he's about to unleash another Evangelion fic on us. He knows that we hate them. Voice: Actually, today I've got a BGC fic for you. Rebecca: Not a BGC 2040 fic, huh? Voice: Well, um, no. Dan: Still waiting for that big rush of BGC 2040 fics that you predicted so long ago? Voice [Sulkily]: They are coming, you know... [They sit, Dan and Tsuneo on the forwards facing couch, Rick and Rebecca on the other one. Rick and Dan are closest on the corners] Rick: What do you reckon will happen first: The voice gets a BGC 2040 fic or the heat death of the universe? Tsuneo: At the moment I'm leaning towards the latter. [The TV switches on] >I dont own Bubblegum Crisis/Bubblegum Crash/Bubblegum Crisis 2040 >so dont sue me if you do. Dan: Um... Who does own it these days anyway? >(This story is set after the happenings of Bubblegum Crisis Tsuneo: Happenings of Bubblegum Crisis? Rebecca: BGC! It's a happening thing. >but before Bubblegum Crash. Rick: We seem to get a lot of fics that go in that time bracket. Dan: At least this one isn't randomly removing chunks of continuity. >So the Hard-Suits are like the ones in the last episode >of Bubblegum Crisis) Dan: Cool! They're using the Version 2 Hardsuits. Those things wre neat. Rick: You've got to be the only person I know who likes the Version 2 Hard Suits. Rebecca: And that's one more person than likes the BGCrash hardsuits. >The Knight Sabers meet their match-Part 1 Rebecca: This sounds like the title of a Dating Show. Rick: Our first lovely lady is into motorbikes, eighties rock, big hair and aerobics instructors. Please make welcome Ms Priss Asagiri. >Somewhere in Genom Tower,,, Rick: The Really Big Room. Tsuneo: It's a great view from up here. >?:We are ready to deploy it sir. Rick: Test marketing has found that the world is ready for Boomer Beanie Babies. >?:Excellent.Be sure to program it to recognize the device. Dan: Is it a Plug And Play compatible boomer? Rebecca: Nothing is plug and Play compatible. It's a cruel joke invented by marketing executives. >?:Yes sir. >The man turned round and left. >?:And when the Knight Sabers arrive I can finally set my plan in motion. Tsuneo: Weren't these guys in Bubblegum Curse? Dan [Man]: Then, once I have eliminated the Knight Sabers, I will build my Giant Tumble Dryer and use the power of static cling to conquer the Earth! Yes! Rick [Pinky]: Gee Brain! This is a fun, silly-willy plan! Narf! >We now join Sylia alone in her apartment.She was just about to have a >cup of coffee Rick: We're crossing live to Sylia now. Sylia, how's things over there? Rebecca [Sylia]: Well, I was just about to have a cup of coffee. Nothing much is happening at the moment, but I expect the plot to arrive any second now. >when the phone began ringing.Sylia sighed and went to >anwser it.When she did Nene's face appeared on the screen. Rick: Good call. >Sylia:What's up Nene? >Nene:You and the others have to get to the Genom Tower right now! >Sylia:Why?What's going on? Dan: Mysterious people are saying mysterious things! Rick: Stuff is happening! Rebecca: Not much, actually. >Nene:There's some kind of Battle Boomer rampaging through the tower! Dan: Genom Presents: RoboDilbert 2000! >Apparently it broke out of its conatainment unit and started >destroying equipment and killing the scientists! Tsuneo: Rule one of giant killer robots of doom: They always turn on their creators. Rebecca: Maybe they shouldn't have tried uploading the complete works of Paul Hogan into its head. >Sylia:Why should we help?Its Genom's Boomer.They can handle it. Tsuneo: Well gee, you're in a helpful mood today. Hello! Innocent bystander people getting mowed down here. Dan: They're working at Genom. No way are they innocent. Tsuneo: Not even the tea lady? Dan: Especially not the tea lady. >Nene:You dont understand!The AD Police and Genom security have it >contained for now Dan: There's an unusual twist. Rick: It can't be that scarey if the ADP have it contained. >but its heading for the roof!If it gets there >then it could get loose into Mega Tokyo! Rebecca: Great. We're dealing with a rouge boomer looking for a good night out on the town. >Sylia:WHAT!? Tsuneo: Could someone please tell me why she is finding this at all surprising? Rick: You see, when boomers run amok, the usually look for a quiet restaurant to have a bite to eat in before going out on the rampage. But this one is going straight for the throat. >Nene:This things heavily armed Dan: It's got a pair of torpedo launchers, two gattling guns, two flame- throwers, two cryo-blasters, a pair of plasma guns, shields and a near- monomolecular sword. Rebecca: *Near-monomolecular* sword? Where the hell did that come from? Dan: I have no idea. >and it could kill thousands before its >finally stopped unless we stop it now! Dan: And if you think that's bad, imagine the damage the ADP will do trying to stop it. >Sylia:But how can we stop it?If the AD Police and Genom security can't >stop it what can we do? Rebecca: Think about this, Sylia. When have you encountered something that the ADP *could* handle? >Nene:A Genom scientist has said that there's a weapon in the lab where >the Boomer was created.It can fire a beam that can penetrate the >Boomer's armour and destroy it! Rick: Well, there's the plot of the fic. Everyone got that? [They all nod] Good. >Sylia:So why hasn't anybody else got it? Dan: They didn't think about it. Tsuneo: They're cowering behind the styrofoam rocks like all good expendable extras should. >Nene:The security around the lab has been re-programmed,probably by the >Boomer. Rick: Great. We're dealing with a boomer with |\/|4d |-|4><0r S|<1llz. [Silent pause. Everyone looks at Rick] Tsuneo: Rick, never *ever* do that again. Rick: What? What? >It's really advanced Dan: It's the new and improved Really Really Advanced Model Battle Boomer with *lots* of guns and hack-proof AI. No, really this time. Rebecca: Order now and we'll throw in a free set of steak knives. >and its shooting at anybody trying to get near the lab. Dan: They accidentally programmed it with the personality of a survivalist from Montana. Now it's thinking that the lab is its log cabin and the ADP and Security teams are CIA agents in black helicopters. Rick: So what does it think of the furniture? Dan: Best not to ask. >Sylia:I get it.We have to get past the security and into the lab,then >we can get the weapon and stop the Boomer. Rick: And if you do it in under five minutes, you get access to the Secret Cow Level. >Nene:Right,I'll get over to your place as fast as I can but I'll still >take about 15 minutes. Tsuneo: Nene, give up on the motor scooter. You'd be better off walking. Rick: Say, who's got the classier vehicle. Nene or 2040 Linna? Dan: At least Linna's moped isn't hot pink. >Sylia:Alright,I'll call the others and let them know. >Nene:Ok. >Sylia hung up on Nene Tsuneo: Now that she'd filled her vital role of 'exposition". >and then she called Linna and Priss. Rick: What? At the same time? Rebecca: She knows exactly where they'll be at this time of a Thursday night. Tsuneo: I should hurt you for that. Rebecca: Why? What'd I say? Dan: She's got a point there. >She explained >the situation and they came over as fast as they could.15 minutes later >they were all there. Dan: That was convenient. Tsuneo: It's one of the rules of the Knight Sabers. They all must live within fifteen minutes drive of Sylia's place. >Sylia:Alright,lets go. >They changed into their Hard-Suits and boarded the Knight Wing. Dan: Damn! Not even a gratuitous suit-up sequence. Rick: This is like one of Koopa's fics, except without the intense action. >As soon as they were aboard they headed straight for the Genom Tower. Dan: It'd be pretty stupid if they did it the other way around. >Once they >got there they could see the place was surrounded by the AD Police. Rebecca: Hey, is that Trooper 28 expiring messily on the pavement? Tsuneo: Trooper 28 carried that show. >They landed on the roof and entered the tower. Dan: Don't the ADP mind the fact that someone's trying to enter a combat zone? Rick: Are you kidding? Now that the Knight Sabers have shown up, they can take the rest of the day off. >Priss:Doesn't look like anything's happening. >Linna:And where's this lab anyway? Rebecca: 13 Levels under the Gizmonics Institute. >Nene:I dont know. Rick: So she knows how this all started, what's been happening and how to stop the boomer but she doesn't know where the lab that was so explicitly mentioned before actually is? That's kinda hard to believe. Dan: It probably slipped her mind. >Sylia:There's a computer terminal.Nene,see if you can break the security >lock's and find the lab. Dan: Nene do this. Nene do that. I think you're relying a little too much on her to do everything for you. Rick: Well, at least she's contributing for a change. Dan: This is true. >Nene:Ok. >Priss:Hurry up,whats taking so long? Rebecca: Give her a break. She only started a line ago. Tsuneo: Some narration would be nice. >Nene:There's a lot of security lock outs.Just another few seconds,got it! >The lab is 10 floors down. Dan: Normally that means that you have to fight your way through all ten floors. However, there's an easy way to get there. Once you defeat the boss on level four, there's a teleporter hidden in a secret passage behind him. That takes you straight to level ten. >Linna:Where's the Boomer? >Nene:It's only 5 floors down and its moving. >Sylia:We dont have much time.Lets go. >Linna:But how do we get down there anyway? >Nene:The elevators are all out but we can still climb down the elevator >shafts.There should be one around here somewhere. Rick: Don't you know? Never use lifts in an emergency. Rebecca: They're using a lift shaft. Is that okay? Dan: Sure beats the stairs. Tsuneo: Using the fire stairs in an emergency in Genom tower. Now there's something you never want to do. >Priss:Its over here.The doors jammed. >Nene:Give me a minute and I'll open it. Dan: Wow. Nene's kicking ass in this fic. Tsuneo: But all she's done is pick locks, hack computers and deliver clunky exposition. Rebecca: That is kicking ass for Nene. >Sylia:We dont have time.Stand back. >Sylia blasted the door open. Tsuneo: Well I guess that's one way to solve that problem... >They entered the shaft and started climbing down. Dan: [Priss] Whos'a da man? Who's da man? Rebecca: [Sylia] Stop that. >Once they got down 5 floors they could hear gun shots and people >screaming. Rebecca: I could be mistaken, but this might be the place. >Linna:We have to stop this thing.Just listen to what it's doing. Rick [Linna]: Hey! I got a line! Dan: Treasure it. >Sylia:Come on.There's only 5 more floors to go. Dan: Going down. Next floor appliances, furniture and homicidal cyberdroids. >They carried on and came to the right floor.Sylia blasted the >door and they climbed through. Rick: Hey there, lady. Do you know how rude it is to just shoot the doors in? You should knock first. >The hallways were a wreck.The lights were >flickering and the walls were scorched from weapon fire. Rebecca: Hey look, they've wandered into Half-Life. Dan: Keep an eye out for a weedy guy in a radiation suit. He's a psycho. Rick: Are those Barney and Otto's rotting carcasses over there? >Linna:Which way now? >Nene:Down this hallway then turn left,the hallway after that goes for 500 >metres then there's the door to the lab. Rick: That's a mighty big hallway they're in. >The security system has a range of 400 metres. Rebecca: This is going to sound stupid, but why did they install a security system that doesn't cover the whole hallway? Dan: They figured that they'd save money that way. Rick: Besides which, surely you don't need to cover both doors, do you? >Priss:So how are we supposed to get passed it? Rebecca: Blow it up? >Nene:If you can keep it distracted I can access a computer panel and >de-activate it.But the panel is only 100 metres away from the door. Tsuneo: So... is that in the 400 meters of corridor that's in the security system's coverage or outside of it or... Ack! This fic makes no sense! Dan: You noticed. Rick: Would I help if I did a sketch for you? Rebecca: No. Last time we let you map the dungeon, we fell down the same spiked pit trap four times. >Sylia:Alright,we'll draw its fire while you shut it down. Dan: [Priss] Boss, what's this "we" bit? >Priss:Ok,Lets go. Rebecca [Linna]: Do I get any say in this? [Pause] Thought not. >They dashed down the hallway and turned left.After they had gone 100 >metres a large gun sticking out of the ceiling started shooting at them. Rick: Don't you just hate it when that happens? There you are, minding your own business when suddenly a gun pops out of the roof and starts shooting at you. [Pause] You mean it's never happened to any of you? Dan: I did once get caught in a generic AD&D dungeon if it helps. >Linna:Look out! >Priss:Nene,get ready to go,I'll cover you. >Nene:Right. >Priss ran down the hallway blasting at the main gun which shot at her >and ignored Nene. Tsuneo: [Sylia] Priss, sometime we should sit down and have a spiritual discussion about the sanctity of life. Rebecca: [Priss] BLAM! And then he was mucilage! Did you say something? >Nene:Alright,just a few seconds. >Linna:Hurry up Nene,we can't keep this thing of your back forever. Rebecca: Of course, you could just blast the gun... Rick: Shhh. >Nene:Hang on,got it! >The gun stopped firing and just went silent. Rebecca: That's nice. [Pause] You mean it didn't occur to any of you to try and blow it up? Dan: They didn't want to do any damage. And besides which, a wrecked gun would clash with the scorched walls, broken light fittings and dead bodies. >Sylia:Nice work,now can you open the door? Dan: What do you know, it was unlocked. Tsuneo: Security, it isn't. >Nene:I'm working on it,this lock is complicated,got it! Tsuneo: They used... A doorchain! [They all gasp in horror] >The door slid open and they entered the lab.It was a mess.Sparks were >flying from destroyed consoles,the lights were hanging from the ceiling and >there were a few dead bodies on the floor. Tsuneo: Now that I think about it, this sounds more like the scribing of an RPG session, right down to reading off the GM's notes. Rick: The third scientist has the key to the megaweapon in his coat pocket. There is a spike trap behind the bench... Er, forget I said that. Dan: Alas poor ensign Throwaway. I knew him well. >Linna:This is disgusting.Lets just find that weapon and get out of here. >Priss:How do we know it wasn't destroyed? >Nene:The weapon is stored in a secret compartment in the wall.It should >be behind this wreckage. Dan: But what if it destroyed the secret compartment? Tsuneo: Do you think we could live with *another* spectacular leap of logic in this fic? Dan: Good point. >Sylia:Alright,everybody lift it. >They all grabbed onto the piece of scrap and pulled it.It fell down and >revealed a wall with a keypad on it. >Linna:How do we open it? >Nene:I got the code from the computer earlier. Dan: Wow. Nene's thought of everything in this fic. Rebecca [Linna]: Nene, how do we- Rick [Nene]: With a roll of duct tape, a wildebeest and a jar of pickled onions. Rebecca [Linna]: Wow. I did ask. >Nene entered the code and part of the wall slid open.Inside the compartment >there was a bulky piece of machinery.It looked like a gun >but it was much bigger. Rebecca: So it was... a big gun? Dan: That's nice. What kind of gun? Tsuneo: Well... A gun. Dan: Hm... Tsuneo: You know... A big gun. Dan: Unh-huh. Tsuneo: It's a gunnish gun. >Priss:Lets get this thing up to that Boomer.I'll get it head on. >Nene:There's something familiar about this but I'm not sure what. Tsuneo: [Sylia] You mean how it's a situation we've never encountered before? Dan: [Nene] Yeah, that's it! >Priss:Who cares.Lets just grab the thing and go. Rebecca: [Priss] I haven't gotten to break anything all fic, so I'm in a really mean mood! >Priss grabbed the gun and they left the room.They made there way back >to the elevator shaft and began to make there way up. >Sylia:I cant hear anything.The Boomer must have gone up a floor. Dan: Maybe it's being quiet. Maybe it's sulking. Rick: Maybe the batteries ran out. >Linna:Lets just get to the top floor,we can check the computer there. Rick: [Sylia] Linna, quit padding your part! >When they got to the top floor they climbed out of the shaft only to see >that the hallways were like 10 floors down.And there were dead AD Police Dan: Do they come in any other variety? Tsuneo: Yeah, not dead yet. >and Genom security guards all over the place. Rick: It's an equal opportunity boomer! It rampages anyone. >There was also a hole in the roof and a lot of noise coming from up there. Dan: [Old woman] Keep it down up there! Rick: Even rampaging boomers fear the landlady! Voice: No kidding. >Sylia:The Boomers on the roof,we have to hurry. Dan: [Priss] Yeah, yeah, we heard it already. Geez, hear sounds of destruction, chase boomer, let Nene do everything, I'm getting real tired of this part. Tsuneo: [Linna] Could be worse. You could have my part. Rebecca: [Sylia] Shut up Linna, we're paying you by the line. >They climbed through the hole and saw the Boomer.It looked like a regular >C-Class Boomer only it had more weaponary on its arms and was >a little bigger and bulkier. Rick: Hey, that's just an old Toho monster costume. Look, you can even see the zipper. >Sylia:Alright Priss,fire the weapon. Dan: [Priss] Eat blazing electric death, tin head! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Rick: Priss enjoys her job too much. >Priss fired at the Boomer but it dodged the beam and turned its attack's >on the Knight Sabers. >Sylia:Priss,give the weapon to Nene.We can distract that thing while >Nene fires at it. Rebecca: Damn. Nene's doing everything in this fic. Rick: The rest of them might as well have stayed at home. Tsuneo: I wonder if the author has a favorite character? >Priss:Alright,here Nene,once it stops moving shoot it. >Nene:Right. >Priss,Sylia and Linna charged the Boomer and started firing at it.Every >shot just bounced off and had no effect. Dan: Even though it's a regular C-class, huh? Rick: No, no, it's special. It's the GTI model. >Priss:NENE,NOW! >Nene:OK! >Nene fired the weapon at the boomer and hit its chest.The Boomer froze >and then exploded. Dan: Then, Boomer Explode. Rick: Well that was a suspenseful climax to a tense situation. Dan: Really? Rick: No. >Sylia:Good shot Nene. Rebecca: Now there's something you don't hear every day. >Nene:Thanks,but I'm not sure that this weapon could have done that. Tsuneo: I'd love to agree, but all we know is that it's a bigger gun that fires a beam. Rick: Yeah, you would be suspicious if a boomer blew up after you hit it with a nerf ball. >Before I fired I scanned it and found that this thing is just an >oversized laser cannon that's fitted on Boomers.There's no way it could >have destroyed that Boomer. >Linna:So what happened then? Dan: Didn't hit it that hard. Must've had a self-destruct. Rebecca: An Imperial probe droid. It's a fair bet that Genom knows we're here. >Nene:I think the Boomer recognized the cannon and was programmed to >Self-Destruct if a beam from the cannon hit it. Rick: Wow! Does she care to explain any more of the amazing plot to us mere humans? >Sylia:But that would mean that this was, >Priss:A set up.But why would Genom try and trick us into destroying one >of there Boomers? Tsuneo: While in the process wrecking their labs and killing their employees? Rick: So they could claim that it was damaged stock and write it off as a business expense. >Sylia:I dont know but I've got a feeling we're going to find out. Dan: I've got a bad feeling about this. Voice: Have you done enough "Star Wars" refs yet? Dan: Is there such a thing? >Is somebody trying to deceive the Knight Sabers? All: Yes. >Will the Knight Saber's live long enough to find out who it is? All: Yes. >Exactly who sent the Boomer? All: The Mysterious Man. >Who is the mysterious man? All: Largo. Rebecca: Is it ever anyone else in one of these fics? >What is his plan? Rick: What is the time in Bolivia? >The anwsers to these and more in part2. Dan: Voice? Voice: No, there isn't a part two yet. >That's all for part 1.Review it and tell me what you think. Rebecca: Ask and ye shall receive. [The TV Switches off] Rick: Well that was. Dan: Yes, it was, wasn't it? Voice: So, um, can I have your opinions on the fic? Rebecca: Was there anything to review? Voice: Seriously, guys. Dan: I just wish there was something to review, really. They kinda rampaged along, followed some blatantly obvious clues and let Nene do all the work. And then it was over. It was such a waste of a fic, really. Tsuneo: The writing is so plain and boring as to be almost ridiculous. There's practically no description, something that would be helpful when trying to set up what is obviously a plot of deceit and subterfuge. People yell out lines at random, and only Nene gets to say anything appreciable. It's almost like it's a draft or outline of a fic, not the complete thing. Rebecca: This was another one of those fics that read more like an outline than an actual finished fic. There was a minimal plot, no story, no dialogue beyond clunky exposition and no characterization. It simply lurched from one point to another, not bothering with anything in the middle. Rick: Well, in order to make sure that everything was wrong with this fic, I'd just like to say that they writing was terrible. There was a lack of spaces, terrible grammar and separation between sentences. At least it didn't suffer from comma overkill like other fics we've read. Rebecca: Once again, you amaze me, Voice. You seem to have the strange ability to pick out the most loopily incoherent fics you can find. In my mind, this one rates right up there with "War of the Past" and the second half of "Neon Leviticus Evangelion". [Dan stands up] Dan: Well, I can't stand around here all day. Tsuneo: Why? What've you got to do besides slacking off? Dan: Are you kidding me? It's only seven weeks till Christmas! I have to go out, get decorations, set the tree up, do this place up, get presents... [He trails off as he wanders out the door. Rick: Twenty says that he just re-uses the decorations from last year. Tsuneo: You're on. [They get up and leave. The screen goes blank] Voice: This still isn't working. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1999-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1999-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- >Sylia:But how can we stop it?If the AD Police and Genom security can't >stop it what can we do?