------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Episode 145 we have a special guest writer and a fic that truly defies
description. So I won't try describing it.

Mike: I sure hope Sarah doesn't kill me for this... I told her she'd 
be attending an Akira Kurasawa retrospective.

Cowboy Bebop is copyright Sunrise
Outlaw Star is also copyright Sunrise
Outlaw Bebop - We Give Cowboys a Star is copyright SpikeSpeigel
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and DVD
Player. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
Kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A miniature
zeppelin floats around the apartment.]

[Rebecca and Tsuneo enter, chatting. Dan is fossicking under the couch.]

Rebecca: Well now I want a FZT.
Tsuneo: FZT?
Rebecca: Flying Zippy Thing. What the Green Goblin had.
Tsuneo: Your maturity astounds me.
Rebecca: Bite me.
Dan: Come on, it's got to be under here somewhere...
Tsuneo: Uh, Dan, what are you up to?
Rebecca: Think, Tsuneo. Do you *really* want to know?
Tsuneo: Uhhh... I'm afraid I'm going to say yes.
Rebecca: Hey Dan!

[She boots him. Dan jumps up and bangs his head on the couch, then stands]

Dan: Owwww! Why'd you do that?
Rebecca: Because I'm cruel, mean and heartless and Tsuneo wanted to know what
You were up to.
Tsuneo: Is it too late to change my mind?
Dan: I was fossicking for stuff!
Tsuneo: Fossicking?
Dan: I saw something I was really, really desperately after on E-Bay-
Rebecca: Dan, you know Giant Vamp is just an urban myth. Get over it.
Dan: It is not.
Tsuneo: You were saying?
Dan: Anyway, I wanted it desperately but I couldn't afford it.
Rebecca: Has that *ever* stopped anyone on E-Bay?
Tsuneo: Good point.
Dan: Unfortunately, I'd already maxed out my card, so I had to raise some cash.
And the best way I thought of to do that was to sell off Elmer Memorabilia.
Tsuneo: We have Memorabilia?
Dan: Well, it's all junk but on E-Bay even junk becomes valuable.
Rebecca: Point.
Tsuneo: So what were you selling?
Dan: Let's see... I sold the Prototype of the Unproduced Shapechanger Raiu
Figure, Rebecca's Hawaiian shirt from episode #4-
Tsuneo: How'd you get that?
Rebecca: I auctioned it on E-Bay last year. Apparently Dan was the sap who
Bought it.
Dan: Damn right I did. Anyway, where was I?
Tsuneo: Selling "stuff."
Dan: Let's see, I sold the Huge Cardboard "Don't Go There" sign, Tango's
backpack-Mount Soft-Serve machine, a Computer monitor with a Chainsaw imbedded
in it, a Super Crushing Press (Slightly used), 4,691 Unsold Battle Nun Arabella
Figures including Glo-In-The-Dark Variants, Rick's suit and Tie from DELTA 13
and the "Farewell to DELTA" banner.
Tsuneo: That is some amazing crap.
Dan: I wanted to sell the Mass Driver that those Loons built, but I couldn't
find it [Rebecca whistles innocently]
Tsuneo: So was that enough money?
Dan: Not quite, but I was able to make it.
Tsuneo: How?
Dan: I sold Tango.
Rebecca: Hoo boy.
Tsuneo: You are joking, right?
Dan: Nope. I found two interested buyers, uh, SirOyster_CreamBunAndJam99 and
GetTheseDamnedSpidersOffOfMe@wubble.com.
Rebecca & Tsuneo: ...
Tsuneo: So, who, uh, bought him in the end.
Dan: A last minute bid from Valintenez_Alcalanella_Siha_Shushi_La_Boherez_Gumbi_
Gomella_Blue_Stradivari_Talentrent_Pierre_Andre_Charton_Himmel_Valovinci_Baldos_
George_Dutzel_Kaiser3 took it.
Rebecca & Tsuneo: ...
Tsuneo: So, uh, what did you get?
Dan: What I've always wanted! A Life-Size Shion Nys "Real Doll".
Tsuneo: I'm going to be sick.
Rebecca: Well, you did ask.
Tsuneo: I did.
Rebecca: So why are you fossicking?
Dan: Someone had a Lulu one! I'm after that damned Furby!

[The door opens and a blue-skinned woman enters. She's of average 
height, with an attractive figure and is dressed in dressed a black 
knee-length skirt, a white dress shirt, blue tie, and black 
suspenders.]

Dan: Whoah... Blue babe... I haven't even started drinking yet.
Woman: Yes, I get that all the time to which I usually reply "I don't wish to
know that, kindly leave the premises."
Tsuneo: Please forgive him, he's a moron.
Woman: I'm used to his kind.
Rebecca: Unfortunately, we all are.
Voice: Good morning, everybody.
Rebecca: Morning Gilliam. How's pink today?
Voice: Shut up.
Woman: What is that?
Tsuneo: That's our boss, the Voice.
Voice: I take it you're the new try-out?
Woman: Try-out? What's there to try out for?
Rebecca: Oh dear.
Voice: Um, never mind.
Dan: Voice, what's going on?
Voice: Never mind, never mind. Would you care to introduce yourself?
Woman: My name is Sarah J Ferrari. I stand 5'8" and weigh 140 pounds with the
atheletic build common to synthetics the world over. I have dark blue hair and
eyes, and pale blue skin. When not here, I can be found in the Kazei 5 PBEM
where I manage the Mandarin Towers Apartments, which I lovingly refer to as the
"hotel of the damned." Any questions?
Dan: Didn't you throw me out of my apartment?
Sarah: Yes, yes I did.
Voice: Now that's all settled...
Tsuneo: What have you got for us today?
Sarah: What? Aren't you here for the flim festival?
Dan: What?
Voice: Nevermindit'snothinghowaboutweallgetstartedthen?
Rebecca: You'd better sit down. This is going to hurt.

[They sit - Dan and Sarah facing the TV, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the sideways
couch.]

[The TV switches on]

>The Real Folk Blues (part 3)
>By SpikeSpeigel

Sarah: So... this was done by a "ghost-writer" then?

>(NOTE: Note my best work)

Sarah: I presume the "note" there is supposed to be "not"?
Tsuneo: I damn well hope so.

>Everyone stood still, and watched as Spike Spiegel lied on the ground.

Sarah: And said what every man says. "I'll still respect you in the morning."

>Was he dead?

Dan: And was it okay to go through his wallet?

>Did anyone care? Did anyone know?

Rebecca: Not the authour, apparently.

>The questions still remained.
>One man finally dropped his rifle and walked forward slowly. He kneeled by
>Spike's body. Spike was bleeding, but it seemed he was still alive...

All: D'oh!
Tsuneo: [Spike] Do you mind, I'm expiring here.

>"What?!" Jet yelled into the phone. "Damn it. What the hell was he thinking."

Rebecca: Avenge the loss of the one true love of his life by killing the one
responsible for her death?
Tsuneo: Getting away from Faye?
Dan: I'd never want to get away from Faye.

>"He's still alive though," the doctor replied trying to calm Jet. "He's very
>lucky you know."

Tsuneo: He only looked disembowelled.
Sarah: Where was that luck for the rest of the series, by the way?

>"I don't give a damn," Jet yelled again. "He's got lady luck on his
>side, he'll never die.

Sarah: Except at the end of the series... but we're not supposed to mention
that, are we?
Tsuneo: This *is* the end of the series. Get used to it.

>Now he's left us with this impossible medical bill to pay... damn it!"

Dan: So what else is new?
Sarah: Nothing, that's the point.

>"Umm," the doctor replied. "I think I should go. I'll contact you if Spike's
>status changes."

Tsuneo: Good news, he's gotten over FROG.

>The video closed.
>Jet sighed and sat at the table for a second. "Arg. Damn it!" Jet stubbornly
>sat down for a second to think.

Dan: How can you stubbornly sit down?
Rebecca: He's sitting down and he's not getting up.
Dan: Right. Wasn't he already sitting?
Rebecca: Well he got up and did it again.

>"Damn it," he yelled then walked over to the phone and dialed a number.

Sarah: 555-1212.  Jet wanted to know where the plot was.

>"Good evening," a strange man said. "I'm Steven,

Tsuneo: [Steven] And I'll be your waiter for tonight.

>how may I help you?"
>"What?" Jet said. "That's a little formal for being the Red Dragon Syndicate
>headquarters."

Dan: [Steven] Um... We're a... Chinese takeout. Yeah.

>"What?" Steven replied, surprised. "How do you know this is where the Red
>Dragon HQ is?"

Rebecca: [Jet] I didn't until you admitted it.
Sarah: [Jet] The big sign out front was my first clue.

>"Easy," Jet replied.

Rebecca: The piles of dead bodies, the bullet holes in everything and the roof
Being blown off might have been a bit of a giveaway.

>"I tracked Spike to that location.

Tsuneo: He asked the Palace Guard and spotted a VILE agent going past.

>I'd like to request that you send some men to protect him at the hospital."

Tsuneo: [Steven] Hang on, who died and made you boss?
Dan: [Jet] Vicious did.
Tsuneo: [Steven] Fair enough then.

>"Your right," Steven said. "Thank you for your input." The tone went dead.

Rebecca: Thank you for using the Red Dragon service line. Your call may be
monitored for staff evaluation.
Sarah: Methinks that Steven there isn't living to the end of the week.

>"A little odd for being a syndicate," Jet sighed. "However they are being a
>little bit of a help... I guess."

Tsuneo: Should I bother asking why they're so concerned with protecting the man
who wiped out half their men?
Rebecca: Well he's so cute when he's lying there. He's like a big, adorable,
gun-toting puppy.

>"So will you be alright?" Appledelhi, Edward's father, asked.

Tsuneo: [Spike] I'm not sure... I keep having visions of people I last saw on
Earth...

>"Yeah," Spike replied. "I will be fine, just give it a few months or so."

Rebecca: They've got to stick his intestines back in.

>"Ha," Appledelhi laughed. "I hope so."

Dan: [Appledelhi] Because I need one more man for my poker game.

>Three men with guns suddenly entered the room. "Freeze! No body move!" They
>yelled rushing in. Everyone stood still for several minutes waiting for
>something to happen.

Sarah: Looks like they've been reading this story as well.

>"Spike," one of the men said. "Rumor has it that you killed Vicious.

Sarah: Rumor also has it Vicious killed you, but let's not quibble over the
facts.

>You know what that makes you? The leader of the Red Dragon syndicate.

Tsuneo: Well, if you hadn't left us and been marked for death, but never mind.

>We don't want them to have a leader, so we've got a better plan.
>Kill now, ask questions later."

Sarah: Y'know, if you're going to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
Dan: We'll kill you as soon as we're done expositing.

>The men held their guns in the air, pointed at Spike,

Rebecca: So Spike's sticking to the roof?

>but he had the same old blank stare that he always had.

Sarah: Brain injuries do that you know.

>"You know, you won't kill me. Many people have tried, but none could.
>I've already died twice, and you can only die once." Spike said bluntly.

Sarah: No, no. You can only live twice. Get it right.

>"That's bull spike," another said. "You will die, then burn like the devil you
>are."
>All of a sudden a mysterious ninja broke through the window and sliced the
>three men through their stomachs.

Sarah: I did not just read that. Did I just read that? Someone tell
me this is just a bad dream.
Dan: Don't you know? Ninjas make everything cooler. Just like monkeys.

>The ninja paused and looked around the room to see who remained

Rebecca: Excuse me, but Scarlett's hiding under a bed in the *next* room.
Dan: [Snake Eyes] ...
Rebecca: You're welcome.

>then said "Spike, you've got a big decision to make.

Tsuneo: [Ninja] Do you take what's on the wheel, or pick a box?
Dan: Take the snapper!
Rebecca: Pick a box!
Sarah: Call your agent!

>Your decision for becoming
>part of the Red Syndicate again is very important to my organization, so make
>your decision wisely." As quickly as the ninja came, he ran out the door.

Sarah: Why didn't he use the window? That's how he came in.
Dan: Random Exposition Ninja!

>"Don't worry," Appledelhi said grabbing a Jericho 116 off the table.
>"I'll stop
>him. Don't you worry." Appledelhi slid out of the room and aimed at the ninja.
>When he began firing, the ninja disappeared into the middle of no where.

Tsuneo: Can't you see him? He's hiding behind that frost-free fridge. [Ding]
Rebecca: What's a frost-free fridge doing in this hospital room? [Ding]
Tsuneo: The same thing as Appledelhi.
Dan: And the random exposition ninja!

>All of
>a sudden, the Red Dragon Syndicate's body guards returned fire, thinking
>Appledelhi was aiming for them.

Sarah: Wars have started this way.

>Appledelhi began to signal his surrender, but
>he got shot several times and collapsed to the ground.

Sarah: Okay... that does it. This is too stupid for words, I'm 
leaving. [Gets up to leave.]
Voice: Sorry, you've got to stay until the end.
Sarah: The bitter end.

>Ed ran over to Appledelhi and started to cry. "Daddy, Ed sorry for not helping
>you."

Dan: Ed? Where did Ed come from?
Rebecca: Those two came in a package deal.

>The body guards ran down the hall to Spike's room.

Dan: Sorry we weren't here. Donut break!

>Spike looked at the doorway
>where the body guards were standing. "You stupid idiots," he said.
>"What?" One of them said. "What did we do? We got the terrorist."
>"He's not the terrorist," Spike said. "The terrorist is a ninja that came by
>and killed those men on the ground."

Rebecca: Listen to yourself for a minute Spike, and think how your
story sounds.

>The guard stood in shock for a second,
>then ran out of the room looking for a doctor.

Tsuneo: You'll never find one around here.

>"Wow," another guard said. "They did a pretty sloppy job here, but yet it is
>amazing."

Sarah: So is it sloppy or amazing? Make up your mind.

>"Hey Spike," a familiar voice said from the door way. It was Jet!
>"After all my bitching, I got you a free medical bill here."
>"If you decide not to join the Red Dragon Syndicate," another familiar voice
>said. It was Ural Terpsichore!

Dan: Bless you.

>Ural was a government official, that worked his way up from a soldier, a few

Sarah: Wait a minute. One of the characters in this fic is a Russian
mountain range?

>years ago. Now he's a cowboy that helps out the Red Dragon Syndicate every so
>often. "I'd be willing to take it over."
>"Jet? Ural?" Spike said surprised. "What are you guys doing here?"

Rebecca: Between Spike, bodyguards, dead assassins, ninjas and those guys, this
is a pretty crowded hospital room.

>"I heard you were here from the doctors," Jet said. "I bitched to them about
>the medical bill and they called back and said it's been taken care of, but
>they wouldn't say who."

Tsuneo: So he presents the problem of succession, then solves it in a couple of
pages? If the whole thing's this fast, we'll be done in no time.

>"Interesting," Ural said. "Jet contacted me. I thought I'd better see how your
>doing."
>"Hey, Spike," Appledelhi said coughing.

Dan: [Appledehli] Hello? Down here! Dying man at the end of the bed!

>"You want my bounty still?"

Sarah: Which was roughly 50 cents if I recall and set up by Edward to boot.

>"No," Spike replied. "I don't."
>"Please take care of Ed," Appledelhi replied. "I beg of you."
>"When I'm out of my body cast I will," Spike replied. "But it's not over yet."
>"Your wrong," Appledelhi said. "It is over. Ed please go with Spike and Jet,

Tsuneo: Oh, so that's what he was doing here. He was reuniting the cast.

>they'll take care of you like they have been.

Dan: So he's trusting his daughter to the people who let her run loose, play
with high voltage cables and run headlong into danger?
Rebecca: Won't make much difference.

>Good bye, Edward." Appledelhi became just another corpse in the room.
>"Daddy," Ed cried collapsing to her knees. "No, please don't go."
>"I'm sorry Ed," Jet said sadly trying to calm Ed. "He's dead."

Dan: Is it worth asking how Ed wound up with him again in the first place?
Sarah: Just accept it.

>"Arg," Spike mumbled. "I'm surprised. This must be a record. I'm in the
>hospital half an hour and people are already dead at my feet."

Tsuneo: Well I'm sure Appledehli appreciates your sentiments.

>"What the?" A doctor yelled through the hall when he walked past the room.
>"What happened here?"

Sarah: Anyone want to answer this before I do?

>"Umm," Ural said. "Looks like one murder, two syndicates, and a ninja."

Rebecca: Did they actually get the ninja, or is he just gone?
Dan: What, the Random Exposition Ninja?

>"Arg," the doctor said. "Well, they're all dead. Does anyone mind if I drag
>them away?"

Sarah: [Doctor] I'm building some new help in the basement.

>"If you like," Jet said watching the doctor.

Tsuneo: Gee, you guys are really helping Ed cope with her loss.

>The doctor called in a squad of police who came and took everyone away except
>Appledelhi because Ed was crying on him.
>"Odd," Jet said. "The police didn't ask any questions, all they did was drag
>the bodies out."

Sarah: If it gets this thing moving, I don't mind.

>"Good," Ural said. "We can't have too many people getting suspicious."
>"Alright," Jet stated in a hurry. "If they come back, they'll wanna ask us
>questions.

Dan: Why don't you just tell them that a whole mob broke in to kill you, then a
RANDOM EXPOSITION NINJA ran in and killed them all, then your bodyguards killed
a visitor?
Sarah: They'd never believe such a far-fetched story.

>Let's hurry up and get out of here. Spike your coming back to the
>Bebop with me.

Tsuneo: [Spike] I'm in a full-body cast.
Dan: [Jet] Good, that means we can put you with the luggage.

>Everyone else, it's up to you. Ural your welcome to come,

Rebecca: Who is this guy, anyway?
Sarah: I think he's just random bystander man.

>and Ed your coming as well. We can't bring Appledelhi's body with us.

Dan: [Jet] It'll stink the place out.

>Let's move.
>Everyone except Ed and Jet left the room as quick as possible.

Tsuneo: Even Spike?
Rebecca: He's moving as fast as he can given the circumstances.
Dan: [Ed] Let's make a sled out of him!

>Jet the went to Spike's bed and began pushing it out of the hospital.

Tsuneo: So instead of trying to explain what happened, you're going to run away
and steal a hospital bed in the process?
Sarah: Oh yes, that's far more subtle and discreet.

>Ed followed, but her arms
>weren't swaying back and forth like usual, instead they were draped at here
>side. They got to the ____ quickly then loaded Spike in.

Sarah: Let me get this straight - they got to a big blank and loaded
Spike in it?
Rebecca: Looks like it.

>When they got back to the Bebop, they took Spike to the nearest bed to let him
>recover.

Dan: But it was Faye's, so she tipped him out.

>"Hey Spike," Jet said. "It'll be a while before your back on your
>feet, so take it easy. Ok?"
>"Fine," Spike said.
>The next day Spike over heard someone singing, it was Fey.

Rebecca: Well there's a complete... Heck, I'm lying. It's not in the least bit
surprising.

>Spike lifted his hand and signaled her to come over to him.
>"Your off key," Spike said.
>"Ugh," Fey said slamming a pillow on Spike.

All: Seen it.

>Spike yelled in pain.
>"Men are such idiots," Fey yelled. "They always make the same stupid
>mistakes."

Sarah: My sentiments exactly.

>"Hey Spike," Jet laughed. "How many times are you going to insult
>her singing?"

Dan: How long are we going to go through rehashing old material?

>See you later, Cowboy.

>Outlaw Bebop - We give cowboys a star

All: Outlaw... Bebop?
Rebecca: Voice, have you been neglecting to mention certain key facts?
Voice: Never!
Sarah: Unhunh. So this is the Kurosawa film festival you promised me?
Voice: ...
Rebecca: Caught out, Voice.

>By SpikeSpeigel

>Session 1
>Government Blues

>(I wrote this story TO ENTERTAIN YOU,

Sarah: It's not working!

>in which I admit that some of the character are OOC,

Dan: Hey Tsuneo, is it okay if the authour admits it?
Tsuneo: No.

>but I don't care because this is to entertain, not to be
>perfect (especially chapter 4 where Sazuka uses a gun, because Batman used a
>gun when he was in trouble and I don't see anyone crying about that so Sazuka
>should too).

Sarah: Batman used a gun maybe once, and Suzaku uses a *sword* and considering
the way she used said sword, she doesn't *need* a gun.

>In which I have seen the episodes, and Spike does talk a
>lot more than you say he does,

Dan: Who, us?
Tsuneo: I are knowing the characters better than you do! I are right because I
are say so!

>he speaks a lot unless he's fully pissed. In
>addition if you've read the pre-chapter listed under Cowboy Bebop, you'd see
>that he is still alive

All: We noticed.

>[in which this story takes place about a year or two
>after the death of vicious]. Oh yeah, one more thing... Chinese prover:

Tsuneo: Man who rests on laurels wears them in wrong place.

>A smile will gain you ten more years of life.

Sarah: Unless you try it on Triad mooks.

>For short, it means all those bad reviews
>don't mean a thing in the end, because the bad reviews are
>outnumbered by good.

Rebecca: And how do you know that?

>Those anonymous reviews seem to be the only bad ones... I wonder why? So as of
>today, I'm also blocking the Anonymous posters so that I don't get anymore bad
>reviews from 2 or 3 idiots that just want to post a bad review on a great
>story.

Tsuneo: [Covers ears] I'M NOT LISTENING! LA DE DA DE DA!

>Sorry for all those Anonymous people that don't give bad reviews just to
>give one.)

Rebecca: Does anyone actually understand what he's saying?
Sarah: Not in the slightest, and neither does he.

>"Ha," a shadowed man said with his back turned. "You think by threatening me
>you'll own me? Ha! Don't make me laugh."

Tsuneo: One question: Are we still in the disclaimer?

>"What?" another voice replied. "Ural, who said we're threatening you?

Dan: We're pointing this gun at you for fun!

>We're just negotiating."

Rebecca: We call it aggressive negotiations.
Sarah: I call it Middle East peace talks.

>"The government can't scare me." Ural replied.

Sarah: The stain on your pants says otherwise.

>"You'll need to do a lot better than that."

Dan: Alright. YOU CAN'T SCARE ME!

>"You've got no clue how much we really can do." the government
>official replied reaching into his coat.

Tsuneo: [Government mook] Let's see, wallet, passport, photos... Damn, it's in
here somewhere.

>"Gene and Jim will both be dead for their sins."

Sarah [looks around]: Someone clue me in. What did Gene and Jim do?
Rebecca: If it's the Gene and Jim I think it is, it's probably something to do
with stealing that ship. Of course, what they're doing here is anyone's guess.

>"I'm no fool you know," Ural said reaching for a knife on the table
>in front of him. "I quit the military for a reason.

Dan: [Ural] They made fun of me!

>You'll be leaving now or else."

>"What?" the government official replied. "What do you mean?"

>"You know exactly what I mean." he said.

Dan: [Government mook] Nope, sorry. You'll have to fill me in.

>Ural grabbed the knife and quickly spun around.

Rebecca: Putting his back to the opponent. Yeah.
Tsuneo: He did a full 360.
Dan: Any reason?
Sarah: He's a delicate little ballerina.

>The official pulled a gun out
>of his jacket and quickly fired, but his best attempts to survive fell short.

Dan: He got voted off the island.

>Ural dodged the bullet and sliced through the official. A scream of
>horror came out of no where as he fell to the ground.

Sarah: Based on the story so far, "no where" is a pretty crowded place.

>Ural looked back at the official's coat. He reached down checking the pockets

Dan: For his wallet.

>for the bounty post.

Rebecca: Let's see... Vash the Stampede, worth sixty billion double dollars.

>He found it, but continued searching for other clues. The
>official carried nothing else as if they had been prepared for this outcome.

Dan: I search the body.
Tsuneo: You find a bounty post.
Dan: And nothing else?
Tsuneo: No.
Dan: Has he got any fillings?

>"Gene!" an angry voice shouted from the front door.

Sarah: What are you doing in this fic anyway?
Tsuneo: I think we're meant to assume that the Cowboy Bebop and Outlaw Star
universes are happily co-existing. Which is of course, impossible.

>"Rent?" Jim said surprised. "What are you doing here?"

>"Shut up, half-pint," Rent replied. "You know exactly why I'm here."

Rebecca: Well for the benefit of those of us at home...
Dan: You know who we need right now?
Rebecca: No...
Dan: RANDOM EXPOSITION NINJA!

>"It took long enough to post the bounty," Gene laughed. "Oh well, what do you
>want?"

Tsuneo: WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND OUT FOR THE LAST SIX LINES!

>Rent remained silent and stared into Gene's eyes.

Sarah: [Rent] How do I tell him his fly's undone?

>"Ok," Gene stated. "So you want a bounty on me, right?

Dan: So Gene has the authority to put bounties on himself?
Rebecca: Yup. He can also swipe the heavyweight title from the top
heel whenever he feels like it.

>Too bad there isn't one on me."

Tsuneo: [Gene] Why are you looking at me like that?

>"Your wrong," Rent replied. "Your very wrong."

>"What?" Gene said surprised. He walked over to a table and opened the door
>revealing a computer.

Rebecca: [SAL] Good morning, Doctor Chandra. Would you like to play a game of
chess?
Sarah: No. How about Global Thermonuclear War?

>"Hey Jim, check the bounty posts for me. Tell me if I'm on it."

Dan: [Gene] And tell me how much I'm worth.
Tsuneo: [Jim] Says here you're going for five wong and a button.
Dan: [Gene] That's up one button from last week.

>"Don't bother," Rene warned. "Your bounty won't be posted for another week."

>"What?" Gene was shocked. How could anyone know about a bounty that
>hasn't been posted yet, especially Rent? "How do you know?"

Rebecca: He read spoiler pages on the internet.
Dan: I've got it! When nobody's looking, he becomes the RANDOM
EXPOSITION NINJA!
Sarah: Don't make me hurt you.

>"I've got my ways." he stated. "You've been warned. I'll come after
>you when it is posted, so try to be ready."

Rebecca: [Rent] You've got one week.
Dan: [Gene] That's not enough to get ready.
Rebecca: [Rent] Alright, I'll give you seven days and no more.

>"Yo!" Ural said trying to get Spike's attention. "I've got some info on a
>bounty."

>"Huh?" Spike said. "Yeah, right. Are you after me too?

>"No, no" Ural said becoming nervous. "I'm not with the government anymore, I'm
>not here to kill you."

Sarah: The gentlemen with me however...

>"What's this you said about a bounty?" Jet said. "Spike, we're not in the
>position to argue for a bounty."

Dan: [Ural] I've got three dollars in change. Take it or leave it.
Tsuneo: [Jet] You, sir, have a deal.

>"Arg," Spike was pissed off now. Spike hasn't trusted Ural or any other
>government official (or ex-government official or worker) since the
>incident on Earth.

Sarah: Which one?
Rebecca: The one where they lost their bounty due to some silly loophole.
Sarah: Oh, that narrows it down.

>"Damn it, why the hell would you care." Spike walked away into the
>docking bay.

>"Uhh," Ural tried catching up on what's going on. "Is this a good time?"

Rebecca: Is there ever a good time?

>"Spike's a little angry since the little government incident three
>months ago." Jet answered.

Tsuneo: Which was, for the benefit of the readers...
Sarah: Readers? Who cares about them?

>"Oh well," Ural said. "It's a bounty on Gene Starwind. The thing is, he broke
>the law two years ago by stealing a military space shuttle called the XPG-1.

Sarah: *cough*bullshit*cough*
Dan: Well it wasn't really their fault. Hilda dragged them into it.
Tsuneo: Yeah, but you can't put a bounty on her. She's dead.
Rebecca: I dunno, give this fic some time...

>Really strange for a bounty to be posted at this point."

>"What?" Jet said sitting down to think. "It doesn't make sense to me either.

Sarah: Has anything so far made sense?

>Maybe you should go see if Spike will help you.

Dan: [Ural] Of course! Wait a second!

>I'll do what I can back here to find out what the government's up to.

Rebecca: They're wasting taxpayer's money on needless beauracratic processes.

>I don't have a good feeling about this though."

Tsuneo: [Ural] Uh Jet, that's just your beard on fire.
Dan: [Jet] Oh, okay.

>Ural ran after Spike, but none of the ships were missing.

Tsuneo: Which ships? Where?
Sarah: THE ships, obviously.
Tsuneo: Uh... no...
Sarah: Exactly.

>Ural figured that
>Spike must have gone for a walk and chased after him down the road.

Rebecca: Actually he'd just gone to the little boy's room.
Sarah: That thing features far too prominently in their lives.

>Ural finally caught up and they began talking about the bounty post.

Dan: And the last Cubs game.

>"Jim!" Gene yelled into his radio running down the ally way trying to lose the
>android. "I don't think this is the real rent. It's an imposter.

Tsuneo: [Jim] How can you tell?
Dan: [Gene] He's got 'Made in Taiwan' stamped on his butt.

>What do I do?"

Tsuneo: [Jim] Ask about his mother and see if he twitches.

>"Gene, this isn't a good time for bad jokes." Jim replied. "That android must
>be a diversion for the government.

Dan: What gave it away?
Rebecca: The half-dozen MiBs following him, trying to be inconspicuous behind
the same newspaper.

>As soon as possible use blaster shell number nine on him. Got it?"

>"Yeah, sure, whatever."

>Gene grabbed a blaster shell from his belt and loaded the gun. At the road he
>turned around then shot the android. A black light filled the area and sucked
>the android into the darkness.

Rebecca: Wouldn't that have been funny if it wasn't an impostor?

>Gene turned around only to find two guns pointing at his face.

Sarah: Shall I mention that the last time Gene used one of those is
sucked out about half of his lifeforce?

>Session 2
>(NOTE: I did change the wording on Ed)

Dan: From here on, Ed shall be referred to as 3|).
Sarah: How exactly did you pronounce that?

>Silence
>"Ohhh..." Gene moaned looked into a blurred darkness. "Hey, Jim, did you catch
>the number on that bus?"

Dan: Catch it? He stuffed and mounted it even.

>"Hmm," a voice came from the darkness. "Strange, he's conscious faster than I
>expected. After using that caster number nine, I thought you'ld be out for
>hours."

Sarah: Oh, so he doesn't feel it until the next episode. Got it.

>"Ohhh..." Gene moaned again watching his vision clear. There were two figures
>in the darkness, but they still couldn't be identified.

Rebecca: Well anyone should be able to tell it's senator Palpatine by now.
Dan [Palpatine]: I don't have any evil plans.

>"Awe, damn it. It wasn't a dream after all. What did you do?"

Rebecca: Not a dream! Not a hoax! In this fic, Spike dies!
Dan: Really?
Sarah: No, you dummy.

>"Well," the other shadow said. "Lucky for you, we stopped that android. It was
>a space pirate, not the rent we know."

Dan: What gave him away?
Tsuneo: Eyepatch, wooden leg, parrot on his shoulder. You know, the ususal.

>"Huh?" Gene said watching the shadows. "It wasn't you that knocked me out?"

Sarah: It was your own gun, you twit.

>"No," said one of the figures walking into the light, it was Spike.

Dan: So are we going to find out just how Spike got from earth to the cosmic
boondocks without the benefit of faster-than-light travel?
Rebecca: Simple. Ed overclocked the Bebop.

>"But seeing as though you're the one with the bounty on him, we've got some
>questions for you and we do expect answers."

Sarah: Question one: What's the average annual rainfall of the Amazon basin?

>The other figure said walking into the light, it's Ural.
>"I'm not one for answering questions," Gene said. "Especially for cowboy scum
>like you."

Dan: That's mister cowboy scum, thank you very much.

>Spike lifted his leg and kicked Gene in the stomach. "We're not scum, we're
>against the government as much as you."

Sarah: Funny way of showing it.

>"Ohh..." Gene moaned again. "Fine, I'll answer your questions."
>"Why does the government have a bounty on you?"

Rebecca: Something to do with that ship?

>Spike said walking closer.
>"How should I know?" Gene replied as if between the brink of conscious and
>unconscious.

Sarah: So he's been reading the fic too?

>"Hey Spike," Ural said. "This isn't getting us anywhere."

Tsuneo: You've only asked one question!
Dan: Yes, but it wasn't all-encompassing enough.

>"Your right," Spike replied lighting a cigarette. "I think we can
>think of some better questions tomorrow.

Tsuneo: [Spike] Right... Question one: What the hell are you doing in this fic?

>   Let's go get some sleep and continue tomorrow."

>Ural and Spike leave the room along with Gene's sight. "Hey! Wait a minute!
>Your not going to leave me here, are you?!"

Rebecca: They're going to leave him alone, untied, unguarded in an unlocked
room.

>Gene yelled, then paused. "Ohhh, I give up."

Sarah: Everyone gives up too easily in this fic.

>"Gene?" Jim said. "Gene? Are you there?"
>"Jim?" Gene said. "Where are you?"

Tsuneo: Apparently in the same scene.
Dan: Maybe he's talking through his communicator.
Tsuneo: It would be nice if we knew for sure. Details man, details!

>"Gene, please respond," Jim said.
>"Awe, man," Gene said. "I'll never get out of here."

Tsuneo: Um, Gene? You are all *alone* and *unguarded.* This may not be as hard
as you thought.

>Several hours later, while everyone was sleeping, even Gene,

Dan: He'd given up on his plan to tunnel out using a dessert spoon.
Tsuneo: [Spike] You know, we left the door open for you.
Dan: [Gene] Not now! I'm almost through!
Tsuneo: [Spike] You're through, all right.

>a loud noise woke everyone up. It was like nothing anyone heard before.

Rebecca: [Ed] Ed tries out a new sound card!

>It was a screeching sound that broke threw the wall in front of Gene.

Rebecca: They're using the dread 'fingernails on the blackboard' attack!

>"What the hell?" Gene yelled in surprise. "What's happening?"
>Spike, Ural, and Jet came running, only to find a huge hole in the wall.

Dan: Is Gene still here? I mean, he's had his freedom handed to him on a plate.

>When they peaked outside nothing was there.

Rebecca: Save for Walter Shrieve wandering around yelling "WHAT?"
Tsuneo: Just for reference... Where are they exactly?
Sarah: Apparently not in deep space.

>Everyone stood still for several minutes
>listening to the sounds, but nothing happened.

Dan: So... Stuff's exploding and they're just standing there?
Sarah: They're waiting for the autocue.

>"Now I know I didn't dream that," Gene said trying to make someone laugh, but
>only got a stink eye.

Rebecca: Stink eye? Isn't that what Rikishi does?

>"Not a good time for jokes," Spike said lighting a cigarette.
>"You know those aren't healthy," Gene said.

Dan: [Spike] So's being gutted. Your point?

>Spike just gave Gene the stink eye again. "Ok, I guess you do," Gene said
>looking away.
>"This wasn't a random attack you know," Ural said.

Tsuneo: I don't know, is it still going on? Somebody tell me
something! DETAILS!
Rebecca: It was to! The Mysterious Wall Exploding Man is on the Wandering
Monster table for this place.

>"What?" Gene said. "Are they after me already?"
>"No," Ural replied. "Your bounty won't be posted for another five to six day.

Rebecca: It could be someone trying to get him before anyone else.
Tsuneo: But nobody knows about it.
Rebecca: Jim did.

>I think this was directed at me."
>"Why's that?" Jet asked.
>"Before I came here I killed a government official," Ural said
>trying to think.
>"It was probably the government, we need to get out of here."

Dan: And you didn't bother covering it up or anything?
Sarah: He even signed the corpse.
Rebecca: Yeah, he drew mountains all over it.

>"Hold up," Spike said. "We're not going anywhere.

Sarah: We're painfully aware of this fact.

>We've still gotta find...

Dan: Buttfloz, Dumarz and Dudu, then I can get a trainer's badge.

>Ugh!"

Sarah: Ugh? Don't know him. Is he Egyptian?

>Spike dropped his cigarette and flew 30 feet down the hall slamming into
>a wall from a mysterious force of sound.

Dan: It's Colonel McDougall doing a random cameo!
Rebecca: [Colonel McDougall] Don't you know, I'm the third McDougall brother.

>A strange, evil voice began laughing from the shadows. "You fools, I can
>camouflage myself everywhere."

Tsuneo: Dilandau! What's he doing here?
Rebecca: She.
Dan: Them.

>"Ed hear of this," Edward said running around the room with her arms swaying
>through the air. "It's a new system that can camouflage persons with their
>surroundings."
>"What?" Jet said. "How do you know about it?"
>"Ed see it on BHH Net," Edward replied. BHH stands for Blue Heaven Hackers. As
>quickly as she went into the hall, she ran back away again.

Sarah: Having spoken, Miss Exposition flees the scene.
Dan: Hey watch it, kid! You're muscling in on the turf of RANDOM
EXPOSITION NINJA!

>"Ohh," Spike moaned getting up slowly and quickly shaking off the effects.
>"Alright, what now?"

Tsuneo: Coffee break.

>"I'll tell you what now," said Sazuka from the opening in the wall. "I'll
>handle this."
>"Sazuka?" Gene questioned. "What are you doing here?"

Rebecca: She's here to prop up the plot.
Tsuneo: A bit late for that...

>Sazuka ignored Gene's question. She formed the classic samurai stance with her
>feet spread apart. She looked into the middle of space, where the
>invisible man was supposedly standing.

Dan: I'm trying to think what that means and It's making my brain hurt.
Sarah: It's simple, she's looking at where he isn't standing.
Dan: Ooooh. Right.

>"Before killing him," Spike said. "I would like to know who hit me."
>"You can call me Shadow," he said.

Tsuneo: Shadow? What Shadow? There's a million people floating around called
Shadow.
Dan: Well who can we think of?
Tsuneo: Not him, no sign of Interceptor.
Dan: Storm Shadow?
Rebecca [Storm Shadow]: Stormy use secret Ariskage Wall Exploding Technique
and slap Samurai girl on butt for good luck.
Dan: Well that's obscure, but I doubt it.
Rebecca: Jake Rockwell's dog has turned ninja assassin?
Dan: Super Obscure! [Ding]
Tsuneo: Maybe not.
Sarah: I don't know you people.

>"I'll be right back," Spike said. "I need to go get something."

Tsuneo: His ticket out of here?
Sarah: His Brazilian passport?

>"Shadow?!" Sazuka said in surprise. "Are you... Ugh!" Sazuka was caught off
>guard by the familiar name.

Sarah: Yes, there are a lot of people named "Ugh."

>Spike quickly ran back with some goggles and looked down a Sazuka lying on the
>ground.

Dan: Saaay... Do those things have a zoom function?

[Sarah and Rebecca hit him with cusions]

>"What the? Ha! You caught me off guard that first time, but this time I
>won't be so easy. You see these goggles? They're called HVG, also
>known as Heat Vision Goggles. I'm sure you know what these can do."

Sarah: When did this turn into a Marvel Comic?

>Spike quickly put them on, and saw his target clear as day.

Tsuneo [Shadow]: Pay no attention to me, I'm... a tree!
Dan: I bet Random Exposition Ninja could beat him any day.

>Shadow began running down the hall,

Rebecca [Shadow]: I am so screwed.
Tsuneo: Sazuka's probably got a special technique for dealing with that too.

>but Spike chased after him pushing everyone out of his
>way. When shadow began to tire out, Spike entered a Thai Boxing stance and
>stood several feet away.

Sarah: Uhm... should I bother to point out Spike uses Jeet Kune Do?
Rebecca: He just found the "Multiple Style" rules and is dying to try them out.

>Shadow ran towards Spike, then jumped into the air with a flying kick, but he
>slipped the over-exaggerated attack.

Tsuneo: I see Shadow is proficient in Mook-Fu?
Dan: Mook-Fu?
Tsuneo: The art of Henchman Fighting. It's a style designed to make you as open
to your opponent as possible while attacking. All movie thugs are experts.

>Then Spike came back with a crescent kick
>to the face. Shadow's camouflage system deactivated,

Rebecca [Shadow]: Put the battery in the faceplate, what was I thinking?

>but he still wasn't down
>for the count. Shadow drew a knife from behind his back and went to slash
>Spike, but Spike blocked with his Jericho 941.

Sarah: Yawn... saw that in Episode 14.
Tsuneo: Now that he's visible, could we get a description?
Rebecca: Has anyone else been described yet?
Tsuneo: Good point. Let's move on.

>Spike quickly ran in and clinched with Shadow before they could break.

Dan: Clinched?
Sarah: Sure, Spike is now going to make like Mike Tyson and bite his ear off.

>Spike
>grabbed the back of Shadow's head and began kneeing and elbowing it.

Tsuneo: With the signature JKD movie, the knee to the face.

>After
>Spike broke the clinch, Shadow fell to the ground.
>"Spike?" Jet said running down the hall. "Are you ok?"

Rebecca: He's surprisingly alive.
Tsuneo: He's in a badly-written, incredibly implausible crossover fic featuring
nothing but stock gags, random run-ins and poorly-thought out fight scenes. How
do you think he is?

>"Yeah," Spike replied. "I'm fine, but your right that he was here 
>for a reason.

Sarah: Yes, it all slipped out in the gripping interrogation scene.

>I think it might have been for Gene though. Let's go check on Sazuka 
>and Gene."

Dan: Since when has he known Suzaku's name?
Rebecca: She left her business card. "Twilight Suzaku, A grade assassin, buses
chopped in half while you wait. Ask about group rates."

>They quickly rush back to where Gene and Sazuka were. When they 
>arrive, Gene is
>free sitting in a chair, but Sazuka is no where to be found.

Dan: She got while the getting was good.
Sarah: She's there on the coffee table where you left her.

>"How were you released?" Spike asked.

Tsuneo: He appealed his sentence.

>"Easy," Gene said. "Thank Sazuka for that."
>"So why didn't you run?" Ural asked curiously.

Rebecca: Because he didn't think of it at the time, and is now wondering why.

>"Because I'm not the only one wanted now," Gene replied.
>"What do you mean?" Jet asked looking in shock.
>"Shadow was working for the government," Gene stated.

Rebecca: He's from the IRS. Spike had lied on his tax form again.
Dan: So who does Random Exposition Ninja work for?
Tsuneo: The plot.

>"Looks like we're both wanted now.

Tsuneo: Why not? Gene's already got the Pirates and the McDougals after him, so
A few more people shouldn't matter.

>I feel that if we team up, we can figure out what is truly going on
>here.

Dan: [Gene] Then shoot each other in the back for bounties.
Tsuneo: [Spike] At least he's asking before he joins the crew.
Rebecca: [Faye] I have no idea what you're talking about.

>  "What do you say?" Gene held out his hand toward Spike, awaiting a hand
>shake.

Dan: That or a tip.
Tsuneo: Are you going to do a deal with a guy who looks like he rubs himself
vigorously with a cheese grater for fun?

>Spike looked Gene in the eyes, then glanced down at his hand and back at his
>eyes.

Rebecca: All the time wondering where his gun had gotten to.

>Spike clenched his fist tightly, but then slowly released his fist and
>reached for Gene's hand. They clenched fists and shook on an agreement.

Rebecca: Together, these two crews will set out to do... stuff.

>Session 3
>Drunken Monkey

[Sarah looks pointedly at Dan.]

>"Well then," Gene said. "Why don't we go out for a drink to celebrate?"
>"Sounds good," Spike said.

Tsuneo: [Spike] Let's make ourselves open, easy targets for any other assassins
who are after us.

>"Should we really go out for a drink?" Ural asked. "I mean we are 
>sort alone in
>this fight against the government, and we don't know when we'll be attacked
>again."

Rebecca: I like him. He can think.
Sarah: Don't worry, this is the government. Usually they hold a press
conference first.

>"And?" Gene asked. "What's your point?"

Dan: [Gene] Stuff safety, there's booze waiting for us!

>"I've got nothing to lose," Spike stated.

Tsuneo: He already lost it.

>Honestly, he really didn't. To him
>his life was rotten enough, and couldn't get any worse.

Dan: So don't look at what Ein did to your shoes.

>"So I'm going. I'll see you later." Spike walked out of the room
>"I'm going too," Gene said. "I can't get to sleep now." He left the room, and
>Ural chased after him.

Rebecca: Who said anything about sleeping?

>"Yeah, right," Jet said sarcastically. "I guess I'll stay here and find some
>clues."

Dan: [Jet] Someone's got to actually do some work around here.
Sarah: I suggest you start by not reading any more of *this* story.
Rebecca: Why do I now have an image of Jet and Faye, wearing ascots, checking
out the attic?

>Upon arrival, everyone glanced suspiciously at them.

Tsuneo: Mostly because they'd arrived at a comic convention. Details, fic!
Rebecca: I think they're all drawn to Spike's hair.

>As Spike walked passed he
>could've swore he heard one of the drunks say "Pity, the fool will die so
>soon."

Dan: I pity da foo who messes wit Mr T!

>"Hey," Spike whispered to Gene. "Did you here what I just heard?"

Dan: [Gene] I think so Spike, but how are we going to get the horse up onto the
roof?

>"Yeah," Gene replied.

Tsuneo: [Spike] You get used to it.

>"What's going on here?" Spike said. "Something's not quite right."

Rebecca: [Spike] Dammit, we've walked into a gay bar!

>"What do you mean?" Gene said. "It's a bar of drunks, that's all it is."
>"I hope your right," Spike said walking to the counter.

Sarah: I have this sudden vision of Gene telling Custer "It's just
some Indians, what could go wrong?".

>An hour or so later, they begin talking about their life so far.
>"So how..." Gene begins. "So what's your life been like so far?"

Sarah: So, people really talk like this?
Tsuneo: Never.

>"Oh, very bad," Spike said.
>"Oh really?" Gene asked. "Why's that?"
>"Well," Spike started. "It's a long story, but I'll go for it. I'm a bounty
>hunter from Mars. I was born on 26th June and I'm 27 years old. My blood type
>is O.

Sarah: [Spike] I like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making
love after midnight.
Rebecca: So let's say hello to Bachelor number one!
Dan: Hey Rebecca, want a Pina Colada?

>My favorite ship is my speedster, the Swordfish II. My preferred gun is a
>Jericho 941.

Tsuneo: [Spike] My favourite colour is red, my favourite food is bell peppers
and beef and my favourite breed of dog is the corgi.
Dan: [Gene] I'm more of a cat person myself.

>I'm very devoted to Bruce Lee, and I'm a master of Jeet Kune Do,

Sarah: Hence his earlier kickboxing.

>just like my Master, Shawn Gage. In my youth, I was heavily involved with the
>Red Dragon crime syndicate, until eight years ago, but I don't want to go into
>that.

Rebecca: Why not? You've gone into everything else.

>Now I live aboard the Bebop with Jet, and we are a little low on funds.

Tsuneo: [Spike] Nothing new there, really.
Dan: [Gene] I hear ya, buddy.

>I rarely talk about my past,

Sarah: You're doing a pretty thorough job so far...

>but I have plenty of experience at martial arts and
>gunfights. And I don't want to talk about anything else, some things are just
>too personal."

Dan: I don't know, I think you've covered everything by now.

>"I guess it's a good thing that I caught you while your drunk then?" Gene
>laughed.
>"Yeah," Spike replied. "I guess so."

Tsuneo: [Spike] Now we're going to get into a fight.
Dan: [Gene] What makes you say that?
Tsuneo: [Spike] It happens in every bar I go into.

>"This is really good," Gene said. "Hey, bartender, hit me again."

Rebecca: Well, if you say so. [She hits Dan]

>"Hey Spike," Jet said from the communicator. "We've got a little bit of a
>problem. Several Kei pirates are coming your way."

Sarah: Am I the only one who's imagining a bunch of over-endowed,
red-haired, scantily-clad women with eye patches and cutlasses when
he says that?
Dan [Very Excited]: Definitely not! Definitely, definitely not!

>"What?" Spike replied. "Why Kei pirates?"

Tsuneo: Because they got through all the Jay pirates.

>"I don't know," Jet said. "I think they're working for the government because
>they attacked our ship searching for you. Lucky for me Fey came by,

Sarah: [Jet] So they captured her instead of shooting me. Can you go get her?

>but they're now coming your way. Be careful."

Rebecca: So avoid any big, hairy men with parrots on their shoulders.

>"Arg," Ural said. "I can't believe this, we spent too long getting drunk.

Tsuneo: Ural! Where did you come from?
Dan: [Ural] Little boy's room.

>We'll never fight them off."
>"Ha," Spike laughed. "We can, and we will. Not like I've got 
>anything to lose."

Tsuneo: You already said that.
Dan: You might want to ask Gene before you act so ridiculously macho.

>The three of them walked out side, day light was beginning to arrive. In the
>distance a cloud of dust was being thrown into the air.

Sarah: Looks like Vash just hit town.

>"What?" Spike said as they were getting closer. "That was fast."

Dan: If your Kei pirates don't arrive in half an hour, you get three dollars
off.

>"Here they come!" Ural shouted. "Take cover."
>Ural dives behind a building, but everyone else remains in the open.

Rebecca: Told you. He's the only one with brains around here.

>As the Kei Pirates come even closer,

Dan: Say... what do these Kei pirates look like anyway?
Rebecca: Let's just assume they're a random bunch of pirates.
Dan: Well that's no help at all.

>the team opens fire on them. Mysteriously, all the attacks made miss.

Sarah: Very nice, but the pirates are in the other direction.
Rebecca: I think they've had a bit too much to drink

>"Hey Jim," Gene says into his communicator. "I've got some Kei pirates and
>could use some help. Think you could get Sazuka to come help?"

Dan: Oh that's right, as soon as you get yourself into a fix, you go crying to
Suzaku for help. Who are these guys, Gatchaman?
Rebecca: In that case, they'd be chased by Galactor goons. Which would be kind
of funny, really.

>"What took you so long?" Jim asked. "Sorry, no can do Gene. We lost contact
>with her three days ago."

Tsuneo: What, you've been in the bar that long?

>"Just like I thought," Gene said. "Hey guys, should we run?"

Sarah: See Gene run. Run, Gene, run. See Spike fight. Fight, Spike, fight.

>"Not yet," Spike said. "I think I can take them."

Dan: They're only outnumbered a zillion to one.
Tsuneo: Yes, but mook alliance rules means they'll only attack one at 
a time and allow the heroes convenient breaks to catch their breath.

>Spike stood in the middle of the road,

Rebecca: They are going to seek cover out in the open. Well that makes sense.

>and Gene remained waiting for Spike to
>make a move. The Kei pirates finally came to a stop.
>"Your braver than I thought," one of them said. He looked like a lizard-like
>monster, but artificially made.

Rebecca: He was once a man.
Dan: Nope, no good.
Rebecca: ...I miss Rick.

>He had electrical wires all over him.

Sarah: But is he grounded properly? Does he conform to safety standards? Has he
had regular inspections? I think not.

>"I'm Kishime, and I'll be your host."
>"I'm Kali," the other said. He wore to swords on his back and didn't wear any
>form of armor other than a shirt and pants.

Rebecca: Thank god he's at least wearing pants.
Tsuneo: Um, Kali? That's a woman's name.
Dan: [Kali] I am filled with shame.

>"And I'm Shou Me Tou,"

Tsuneo: And I'm going to kill whoever thought up that pun.

>the final one said. He looked like a demon with heavy
>armor on him. He stood eight feet tall, and wore a big red helmet.

Sarah: Someone's been buying new Masters of the Universe figures I see.

>Kishime made his opening attack by charging towards Spike, but Gene jumped in
>front and fired a caster shell number nine. Kishime was sucked into a black
>warp, he tried to run, but his speed was no match for the blast.

Sarah: If Gene keeps throwing those around like that, he's going to
hurt someone.

>Kali came second attacking Gene, but Spike jumped in front taking some sort of
>monkey fighting pose.

Sarah: Ah, he's using the secret 'confuse the hell out of the opponent and kick
him in the nads' technique.

>Kali drew his blade and went to attack Spike, but Spike
>fell to the ground barely missing the blade. When Kali went to slice again,
>Spike slid underneath him then kicked out both his knees.

Dan: At the same time?
Rebecca: Spike's wearing clown shoes.

>Kali collapsed, but
>popped right back up with a thrust right towards Spike's head. Spike dodged it
>again, and once again slid underneath Kali.

Tsuneo: Well if you just keep doing the same attack, of course he's going to
keep dodging it the same way!

>This time instead of kicking Kali's knees, Spike breaks Kali's knees.

Tsuneo: Then he chokeslammed him to the floor and extended his AT field, knocked
him back thirty feet, shoved a progressive grenade in his mouth and shouted
"Damn straight!"

[They all stare at Tsuneo]

Tsuneo: It's all coming back to me... [Sobs]

>"You impress me," Shou Me Tou said. "But you'll have to do a lot better than
>that to take me out!"

Rebecca: See? Attacking one at a time and giving them convenient breaks.
Dan: So what's Gene doing in the meantime?
Sarah: Laughing.

>A beam-spear appeared in Shou's hands.

Tsuneo: Chang Wufei wants that back when you're done.

>He began his attack on Spike and Gene.
>He made a slash for Spike, but he bent back to dodge it. Shou attempted to
>thrust the butt of the beam-spear into Gene's stomach, but Gene side stepped
>it.

Dan: You know, for top martial arts assassins, these guys are pretty clumsy.
Rebecca: Maybe it's try-out night.

>Gene and Spike both stepped away from Shou. They nodded to signal a team shot.

Sarah: Nice subtly guys. Next time use signal flags why don't you?

>They both loaded their guns then fired at the same time.

Rebecca: Never attempt a running gunfight with muzzle-loaders.

>Shou Me Tou got hit and fell to the ground.
>"Oh yeah!" Spike yelled running over to Gene. "Ha! They can't hurt us."

Sarah: Let's see you do that again without god mode on.

>"No, wait," Gene said looking back on what happened. "It was too easy. There
>has got to be a catch."

Tsuneo: This is coming from the brash, overconfident youngster, huh?
Rebecca: He's been taking lessons from Suzaku. Every time he makes a blatant
mistake, she kicks him in the nuts.
Tsuneo: So how's he doing?
Rebecca: He's singing soprano.

>Gene and Spike looked back only to find the Shou Me Tou had gotten back up.
>"I said you would have to do better than that," Shou laughed.

Dan: So they shot him again.

>Gene and Spike only stared in horror, as the monster was still alive. Could
>nothing stop Shou Me Tou?

Sarah: Caster Shell Number 9 usually does the trick...

>   (NOTE: There is a Monkey fighting style included within the modern 
>edition of
>JKD [Jeet Kune Do] taught by the instructors of One Dragon Martial Arts
>[http://www.onedragon.com] and the Straight Blast Gym
>[http://www.straightblastgym.com)

Sarah: Great... a story with footnotes and webliks. What's next? Commercials?
Tsuneo: If you press down enough times on the main menu, you get access to the
deleted scenes.

>Chapter 4: Sazuka? What are you doing here?!
>   (NOTE: Wow! A full chapter of fighting?!)

Sarah: [Suzaku] I live here. You guys are messing up my rock garden.
Dan: [Shou Me Tou] We are so dead.

>"Hey Shou Me Tou," Sazuka yelled eagerly.

Tsuneo: Is it worth asking where she came from?
Sarah: Nope, not even the chapter header knows.

>She wore a white gi and a sword on her. "You just gonna stand around?"

Sarah: Does anyone else get the feeling this guy *never* actually saw Outlaw
Star? [They all nod]

>The winds died down and an eerie green glow appeared around Shou Me Tou,

Rebecca: That's no pirate, that's Blight!

>and a volley of green flames flew out of his coat.

Dan: [Shou Me Tou] Oh my god, my pants are on fire.

>The coat was torn to shreds by an
>eerie force as the flames aimed straight at Sazuka's face.

Rebecca: [Suzaku] Hmm... Secret technique number eighteen, "Fire retardant foam"
should do the trick.

>Sazuka threw her legs back and sprawled to the ground. The flames barely
>torched her back, but knocked her sword several feet away. She looked up, and
>hers eyes opened wide as the wind became stronger and an evil red rain began.

Sarah: Well... now I know who his least favorite character is...

>"I haven't even started Sazuka," Shou Me Tou yelled surpassing the rain's
>beating.

Dan: You haven't started Suzaku?
Rebecca: Naw, the batteries need recharging.

>"Bring it on," Sazuka returned with her hair blowing with the wind. "You
>haven't seen nothing yet either."

Dan: [Gene] Well, looks like we're not doing anything in this scene.
Tsuneo: [Spike] Who wants to go for a drink?

>Sazuka clenched the ground with the palm of her hands and watched for Shou Me
>Tou's reaction. Shou Me Tou stood still, and the two stared at each other for
>several minutes.

Rebecca: Then the lift doors closed.

>Someone had to make a move sooner or later.

Sarah: Fair enough.

[They all stand to leave]

Voice: Oh, no you don't.
Tsuneo: This fic is going nowhere.
Voice: It's been going nowhere for three chapters. Sit down already.
Rebecca: Can't argue with that.

[They sit]

>"So," Sazuka yelled. "Am I gonna lie here all day, or are we going to fight?"

Sarah: Hold on a minute will you? We need to put in another quarter.

>Sazuka black flipped to her feet making a dash toward her sword, but she
>tripped over a rock and collapsed to the ground once again.

Sarah: She tripped over a *rock*? A ROCK? GET REAL! This is Twilight 
Suzaku, not Dan!
Rebecca: Somewhere, Sky-Byte is weeping.
Tsuneo: Because of the stupid nature of what would otherwise be a 
dramatic clash
That he'd enjoy and write a haiku about?
Rebecca: No, because he's Sky-Byte.
Tsuneo: True.
Sarah: This is why I hate those random critical fumble tables.

>Shou Me Tou saw this as an advantage and pulled out his sword with it held by
>his head. He charged in angrily then began to thrust it through 
>Sazuka's chest,
>but Sazuka spun around and pulled out a Jericho 117. She aimed it at Shou Me
>Tou's shoulder.

Tsuneo: If he's going to rip off material, he could at least steal it from a
show *not* featured in the fic.
Rebecca: [Suzaku] Secret technique number twelve, "Concealed pistol."

>Once again they were at a stand still. This time no chit-chat 
>occurred, instead
>they stared each other in the eyes several minutes.

Sarah: A perfect John Woo moment and twenty bucks HK says our dear writer tools
it up.
Rebecca: "Tools"?
Sarah: ...I've been talking to one of my residents too long.

>Sazuka made her move by back-flipping to kick the sword out of Shou Me Tou's
>hands, but her attempt to live failed. Instead, the sword thrashed up her left
>arm.

>"Bad injury you know," Shou Me Tou yelled pulling out a extra long whip.

Dan: Is it worth asking where they're hiding all this stuff?
Rebecca: Same place the authour's pulling his plot from?

>"You should see a doctor."

Tsuneo: If fanfic persists.

>"I hate doctors you know," Sazuka replied

>"Then let me take you out

Dan: To the ball game.

>of your misery!" Shou Me Tou yelled slinging the whip
>around Sazukas neck then giving one hard tug.

Rebecca: Please, not in front of the ladies.

>Once again, Sazuka fell to her knees. Sazuka quickly pulled out a 
>knife and cut
>the whip.

>"You can only die once you know," Spike shouted from the side.

Sarah: Yeah, you told us already.
Rebecca: I think Spike's got a new catchphrase.
Tsuneo: Hey Spike, you haven't thought about helping out here, have you?

>Sazuka back flipped through the air behind Shou Me Tou.

>Sazuka smirked, and Shou Me Tou only laughed. Shou Me Tou lifted his leg

Sarah: If he pisses on her I'm going to get violent.

>and attempted to kick out Sazuka's leg, but missed. She had disappeared and
>reappeared in front of Shou Me Tou.

Tsuneo: Will you just stop farting around and kill him already? We're growing
moss here!

>"I'm tired of this melee, it's time for magic," Sazuka shouted grabbing his
>sword from beneath her feet. "Power of the sword,"

Dan: By the power of Greyskull!

>An eerie glow surrounded her sword.

Tsuneo: Is that the sword that's still sprawled on the ground and that she never
bothered to recover?

>"Power of the spirits," An even brighter light surrounded her. "Power of
>the planet," she began to hover off the ground. "Let the planets collide!" she
>finished with a screeching call that filled the area for miles.

Sarah: Apparently Suzaku has visted the Silent Mobius universe in her travels.

>Then Sazuka jumped high into the sky, and the wind began to slow down. Sazuka
>was falling with gravity

Sarah: Yes, gravity tends to do that.

>straight towards Shou Me Tou.

>"What the..." Shou Me Tou said looking up towards Sazuka. "Noooo!"

Tsuneo: Now would be a good time to sidestep.
Rebecca: Now would be a good time to update your life insurance.
Dan: Now would be a good time to appreciate the view.
Sarah: Now would be a good time to hit Dan. [She does]

>Sazuka slashed Shou Me Tou through the middle, and the scraps fell to the
>ground.

Dan: Dude, you are SO cut in half!

>"Wimp," Sazuka said a split second later walking into the distance.

>"Hey Sazuka!" Gene yelled, but Sazuka didn't look back. "Thanks! I owe you
>one."

Rebecca: [Suzaku] You owe me six, but who's counting?

>"In recent weeks," Telna Ryans, the reporter, said on T.V. "Government
>officials from the year 2970 are dying from murder.

Tsuneo: Well, murder is usually fatal...
Rebecca: It really helps us out in 2071.

>It is thought that these officials were caught in a hoax of some kind,

Dan: They were faking their own murders.
Sarah: Body count math. 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs 
equals 37 enemies killed in action.

>but was never proven.

Tsuneo: I don't know, you can generally tell a dead body when you see one.

>The most mysterious were Maxwell Murder and Ural Terpsichore.

Dan: [Ural] Me? I'm not dead.
Rebecca: [Suzaku] Sometimes, it's just too easy.

>Investigators are
>searching for Ural Terpsichore at this time due to a fight in the downtown
>district one week ago-" Ural turned off the T.V.

Tsuneo: Isn't he supposed to be dead?
Rebecca: Yes, but they lost his body in the mail.

>"Hmm," Ural said. "Odd that they haven't searched for Maxwell Murder. That's a
>suspicious name if you ask me."

Sarah: A guy named after a mountain range has no room to talk.

>"No matter," Gene replied. "Only one day till we're wanted criminals."

Rebecca: And you're looking forward to this because?
Dan: You meet the most interesting people when you've got a bounty on 
your head.
Tsuneo: Hey look, it's the big-haired kung fu guy.

>"We've gotta do something though," Spike stated. "I say we find this Maxwell
>Murder."
>"I've got a lead," Jet said running into the room. "Seems like the Maxwell
>Murder guy has a bounty on him... 50 mill."
>"50 Million wolong?!" Spike shouted. "Who's idea was this?"

Sarah: Check the decimal place.
Dan: [Jet] According to this, he's about a foot and a half long, kind of
spherical, with short legs, a brown coat and a white underbelly. Ed, have you
been posting fake bounties again?

>"Red Dragon Syndicate has something against him," Jet replied. "The Red Dragon
>Syndicate must have framed Maxwell or something."

Rebecca: Or he could have done something horrible to them for real, you know.
Tsuneo: Has anyone considered that this might be a perfectly legitimate bounty?

>"Well then," Ural said walking towards the door. "Looks like my work 
>is cut out
>for me. Thanks for the help. See ya 'round"
>"Wait!" Jet said trying to stop Ural. "Arg, does he listen to anyone?"

Sarah: You work with Spike and you ask a question like that?

>"Gene," Spike said. "Come on, we've got a museum to get to."
>"What?" Jet said looking strangely at Spike. "Why a museum?"
>"The remaining government officials of the year 2070 will be there,"
>Gene said.

Dan: Maybe it's the Head Museum?
Rebecca: Yeah, Maxwell will be right next to Matt Groenig.

>"I didn't think it was important until now. They got invitations to the
>revealing of the British Crown Jewels.

Dan: They let them out of the country? Heck, they let them off the planet?
Rebecca: It was that or give them to Charles and Camilla.

>That's where Ural is going."

Tsuneo: Wait... Ural is going to see the crown jewels at the head 
museum because
someone got an invitation for Maxwell Murder to show up, even though he's
supposed to be dead? Am I reading this right?
Sarah: There is no 'right.'

>"Lets go," Spike said running to his Starfish II.

Rebecca: It's 'Swordfish II,' not 'Starfish II.'

>A loud roar sounded and the Starfish II

Rebecca: Swordfish!

>launched out of the bay into the sky.
>The sun was beginning to set over Ganymede,

Tsuneo: So will somebody please tell me when did they get to Ganymede?
Sarah: In one of those deleted scenes you mentioned earlier.

>and soon it would be time for
>the hunt on Gene and Spike to begin. They only had a few hours to prove their
>innocence then it would be over.

Dan: I thought you said it was beginning.

>Upon arrival at the museum, they were asked for an invitation:
>"May I see your invitation," the guard at the door said. "You must have one."

Sarah: [Waves her hand] You don't need to see my invitation.
Dan: I don't need to see your invitation.
Sarah: [Waves hand] I can go right in.
Dan: You can go right in.
Sarah: That's enough Dan.
Dan: That's enough Dan.
Sarah: The Force has a powerful effect on the weak-minded
Dan: The Force has a powerful effect on the weak-minded

>"We're with Ural Terpsichore," Spike replied. "I think if you ask him, he'll
>tell you."

Tsuneo: Oh, he's the one with a fifty million Woolong reward on his head!
Dan: [Gene] Maybe that wasn't such a smart move.

>"Hold on please," the guard said walking into the museum.
>"Now," Spike said to Gene.
>Gene and Spike ran around to the side and climbed to the top of the building.

Dan: So their plan is to ask the guard then run away?
Tsuneo: They've got to make sure they're suspicious and alert first.

>At the top, they ran over to the window and opened it up. Gene shot a hook into
>the wall for them to slide down. They slid down to ground level, luckily no one
>was in the room at the time.

Rebecca: So they've got no problem climbing *up,* but they have to rappel down?

>They ran to the door then peaked through the keyhole, no one was in the other
>room. They ran into the room and acted as casual as possible.

Dan: Dum-de-dum, pay no attention to me, I'm just an innocent bystander!

>Gene walked away to find Ural while Spike searched for Ural.
>"I hate this classical music," Spike said to himself catching a glance or two

Sarah: Tsuneo?
Tsuneo: Yes?
Sarah: Did he mention any music?
Tsuneo: Not that I'm aware of.
Sarah: Oh, good. For a moment I thought I'd gone deaf.

>All of a sudden he was gagged and dragged off to the side. "What are you doing
>here?" Ural whispered angrily.
>"I came looking for you," Spike said. "Where's Maxwell?"
>"Not here yet," Ural replied. "Try to keep out of trouble, I'm going back to
>the party."
>The two went back into the crowds.

Rebecca: Carefully noting all the carefully disguised bounty hunters.
Dan: Was it the guy in the Mandalorian battle armour, the skinny-looking robot
or the guy in the black suit with the green Marauder behind him?
Rebecca: Double obscurity bonus!

>All of a sudden, rap music began to play.
>"Now this is what I call music," Spike said laughing.

Rebecca: Actually he's a blues man.

>"But this isn't right. It's too formal for rap music. Something's going on."

Dan: It's just DJ Ran trying badly to warm up the crowd.

>Spike ran to get Gene, but Gene was nowhere to be found. Something was wrong.
>Could it be Maxwell Murder?

Sarah: Could it be that Gene went to the toilet?

>The Last Session- See you in Space, Cowboy

>"I'm looking for a cowboy... boy... boy... boy," shouted a voice coming from
>the room after the shooting died down.

Rebecca: Shooting?

>"I know you're here Terspichore."
>Could this person be Maxwell?

Tsuneo: That depends on one thing... WHO THE HELL IS IT?

>It didn't matter though, Spike lost contact with
>both Ural and Gene several minutes ago, just as the rap music began.

Dan: What, we just lost a few minutes in there sometime?
Rebecca: You didn't see it, but there was a lot of shooting, people flying
through the air, explosions, the 82nd airborne coming in through the roof,
cowboys, Indians, a dancing seal and the roulette wheel started spraying
laughing gas.
Tsuneo: Rebecca, that's the end of Casino Royale.
Rebecca: You're right, that's too coherent and realistic for this fic.

>"So it's the end," Spike laughed to himself. "Oh well, I've died twice before,
>can't hurt to die again."

Tsuneo: Wait a second! That's not Spike Speigel, that's Excel in a very bad
disguise!
Dan: So this is all a plot by Ilpalazzo to take over the world?
Tsuneo: It's loopy enough.
Sarah: Right. But if the fic gets invaded by martial arts midgets in cat suits,
I'm leaving.

>A bullet roquette off of the ground next to Spike's foot. "There you 
>are Ural,"
>the man said. "I've been waiting a long time for this."
>"Hey," Spike said walking out into the open. "I'm not Ural I'm Sp-"
>"Spike Spiegel," the man said. "I know you. I'm Maxwell Murder. Hahaha... The
>murderer of Vicious

Sarah: Having seen Episode 26 I'd like to know how that is possible.

>and the top bounty hunter at the same time, this will be so excit-" he gagged.

Tsuneo: He choked on a mouthful of clichés.

>"Guess not," Ural said choking Maxwell and holding a Jericho to his 
>head. "Hope
>you don't mind spike, I borrowed your gun."

Dan: [Ural] I promise I'll have it back by eleven.

>"Huh?" Spike thought out loud. "My gun! It's missing!"
>"See," Ural said slyly.
>"I don't like people borrowing my gun," Spike said.

Tsuneo: [Deadpan] Ha ha, such witty banter.

>Max shook lose from Ural's hold, then turned around and slammed a sharp
>uppercut into Ural's stomach. Ural let out a moan and dropped to the ground.

Sarah: So... how tall do you suppose Max is if a sharp uppercut only hit Ural in
the stomach?
Rebecca: He's actually a little yellow mouse-man with a bad wig.

>Spike glanced at the ground, and slid for the Jericho.

All: Steal home! Steal home!

>Max drop kicked Spike, kicking him several feet away.
>"Lets make it fair, Spike," Max replied. "I'll draw my gun, and you'll draw
>your's."
>"Classic stand off," Spike commented. "I like your style."

Rebecca: And while they're doing that, Gene and Ural can shoot Max.

>They drew their guns and fired simultaneously. Their guns flew out of their
>hands from the impact of the bullet.

Sarah: This scene courtesy of Ringo Lam.

>They stared each other in the eyes, then charged. Kick for kick and punch for
>punch, they continued for minutes on end. Spike through an uppercut to Max's
>stomach and Max through an elbow to Spike's face. The two bounced back upon
>impact, they were gasping for air.

Dan: Um... Stray Dog Strut.
Tsuneo: Is there a single original moment in this fic?
Dan: Only the Random Exposition Ninja.
Rebecca: Fat lot of good he's done for us.

>All of a sudden, the music paused then changed to heavy metal. "Your music?"
>Spike asked gasping for air.

Tsuneo: So do people in this fic always wander around with their background
music?
Sarah: Can't fight without your background music.

>"Not mine," Max replied trying to catch his breath after the uppercut
>Spike glanced back down below his feet, it was Max's gun. To make 
>things worse,
>Spike's gun was at Max's feet. Spike and Max dropped down grabbing the guns
>then tossing them to one another.

Sarah: And this scene courtesy of "A Better Tomorrow II."

>They fired another bullet, Spike's shoulder was punctured and Max's shin was
>jarred. Max fell to his knees.

Dan: [Max] So now what?
Tsuneo: [Spike] We change guns and try it again.

>"Huh?" Spike thought to himself grabbing his shoulder. "I recognize 
>this music.
>It's Bombs Over Baghdad. That's V.T.'s song...

Rebecca: Except it's "LIVE in Baghdad", you twit.

>"You preying over there?" Max shouted. "That's a laugh, you... preying?
>"Not on your grave," Spike replied.
>"Freeze," shouted V.T. "Spike you ok over there."

Tsuneo: I was hoping something spontaneous yet not entirely unexpected like this
would happen.

>"Fine enough," Spike replied.
>"Terpsichore," Max stated standing back up resisting the pain of the bullet in
>his shin. "So glad you can join us."

Dan: And if you don't watch out, she'll sit on you.

>"V.T. get down!" Spike shouted charging towards Max

Tsuneo: Presumably if she's covering them, she's got a gun.
Rebecca: All she's got is a cat.
Tsuneo: That's not much use.
Rebecca: It's a very fat cat.

>Max drew a knife, and charged toward Spike. Spike slipped all of 
>Max's thrusts,
>even with his injured arm. After several slips, Spike saw Max's plan and
>decided to make a move.

Sarah: Knight to king four. Check.

>Spike grabbed Max's elbow and broke it with his knee.

Dan: So... Earlier he couldn't lay a finger on him, and now he's walking all
over the guy? What gives?
Rebecca: If any fight lasts longer than about 90 seconds, he gets completely
winded. Usually he just destroys his opponent in three moves.

>Suddenly, Max dropped the knife and Spike grabbed it like an ice pick.
>"My turn now," Spike said smirking.
>Spike charged in and doubled back, splitting Max's arm several times. Blood
>began to fall everywhere with the combination of their bleeding. Max slipped,
>falling to the ground. Spike brought the knife down slitting Max's throat

Tsuneo: Say, didn't you need him alive in order to prove your innocence? Or
collect his bounty? You know, anything like that? Hello?

>"It's done," Spike said, staying on his knees. "But it's not over for me yet."
>"Ural," V.T. said. "I thought you were dead."

Rebecca: Yeah, well nobody actually dies in this fic.
Sarah: I get it. Our Russian mountain range was actually a badly spelt Urai
Terpscalay all along.
Dan: [Ural] Damn those consonants. Damn them!

>"Nope," Ural replied. "V.T. I wanted to come home, I just couldn't."
>"Why?" V.T. asked.

Tsuneo: [Ural] I lost my keys.

>"I had some business to take care of," Ural said. "I see you haven't changed
>much though."

Sarah: For starters, you haven't changed your clothes. Ew!

>"For being the top bounty hunter in the galaxy," Spike began. "You sure are
>strange."
>"I wouldn't be talking," Ural replied. "You turned your back on the Red Dragon
>Syndicate."
>"Spike," V.T. said. "Why didn't you tell me Ural was alive when you 
>saw him two
>years ago?"

Tsuneo: [Spike] Look, I thought he was dead too, okay?

>"Because I didn't know how you'd react," Ural said. "I'm sorry, I 
>would've come
>back sooner, but-"

Dan: [Ural] I couldn't find your wallet.
Rebecca: [V.T] Did you look in the bureau?
Dan: [Smacks head; Ural] I thought you said New Zealand!
Rebecca: [V.T] Did I say... New Zealand?

[Tsuneo and Sarah gape open-mouthed at them]

Sarah: They're your friends, not mine.
Tsuneo: "Friends" is stretching it.

>Someone from the shadows started clapping his hands and started walking into
>the open. "Very impressive," he said.

Dan: Okay, so who's our latest random run in?
Rebecca: Well, it's either [Rolls dice] Kang Baedal, [Rolls dice] 
Uber Urius, [Rolls dice] Random Exposition Ninja [Dan cheers] or 
[Rolls dice] Sergeant Blip and his Rubberpants Commandoes.
Tsuneo: That thing is defective.
Rebecca: You're right, I need to add the lemur. [Ding]
Sarah: I don't know you people, I do *not* know you people...

>"Who are you?" Spike shouted. "Show yourself."
>"Who me?" he replied. "You know exactly who I am. I'm Rent!"
>"I can't stand another fight," Spike said moaning. "Where's Gene when you need
>him?"

Tsuneo: That's what I've been wondering all chapter.
Dan: He's been helping himself to the punch and the crown jewels.

>"I can't fight either," Ural stated. "I'm still trying to recover from
>Maxwell's hit."

Rebecca: You bloody wuss.
Sarah: I guess it's up to the cat now.

>"How easily you guys give up," came a familiar voice.
>"Gene!" Rent shouted glancing at him.
>"Rent," Gene said. "While you guys were fighting in here, I was taking care of
>some business."
>"Like what?" Rent said suspiciously.

Dan: [Gene] Little boy's room.

>"Like this!" Gene said pulling out a button of some kind and pressing it
>Explosions filled the area. The whole room broke into flames, along with the
>rest of the building.

Tsuneo: [Spike] So you're going to save us all by blowing up the building
around us?
Dan: [Gene] I should have thought this out more clearly.

>Gene had been setting remote mines, preparing for a big
>fight, and it looks like time has come.
>Rent drew a knife and charged in towards Gene.

Sarah: No Rent, now is the time when you - and everyone else - run.

>Gene didn't have enough time to
>load a caster shell into his caster so he pulled it out and started blocking
>the knife with it.

Tsuneo: [Deadpan] So he was prepared for the fight without even 
loading his gun?

>Every slash that Rent made missed, but Rent began to get
>smart and saw Gene's pattern. Rent doubled back on one slash, slicing Gene's
>arm.
>Gene gripped his arm and through a thai kick at Rent's leg.

Dan: How long has Gene been a Thai Kickboxer?
Rebecca: He did a quick study while everyone else was fighting.

>Rent was shaken up,
>but it didn't hurt as much as Spike's did to Maxwell. Gene jumped into the air
>and threw another kick at Rent's face, but Rent slit his leg. Gene 
>collapsed to
>his knees, and Rent backed away.

Sarah: Brilliant plan, Gene. Just brilliant.

>"Ready to give up yet?" Rent asked smirking.
>"Never," Gene said loading a caster. "Caster shell number 3."

Rebecca: And love potion number nine.

>Gene loaded the caster and began to fire it. A white light appeared out of the
>back of the caster and it prepared to fire.

Dan: That's not a caster! That's the Wave Motion gun!
Rebecca: Wave Motion is the only thing that can save us now.
Dan: Dude, Wave Motion can do everything!

>Rent looked at Gene as if he were
>crazy. A white light blasted out of the caster gun. A green and blue light
>filled the room.

Dan: I guess he just fired off the funky bomb.
Tsuneo: [Rent] All of a sudden, I have a refreshing mint flavour.

>Gene flew back into a wall, slamming into it. The light died
>down, and Rent was still standing.

Rebecca: And no-one even got to say "He couldn't have survived that."

>"Hmm," Rent said, thinking out loud. "Amazing, one shot took out my shield. Oh
>well, that won't help you now."

Dan: [Gene] Where's Suzaku when you really need her?
Sarah: [Suzaku] Oh, no you don't. I've already saved you more than enough in
this fic.

>"Too bad," a mysterious voice said from beyond the flames. "This was just
>getting interesting."

Rebecca: For crying out loud! These mystery voices are crawling out of the
damned woodwork!

>The shadowed figure from beyond the flames must have jumped twenty feet into
>the air over the flames. He landed in a crouching position and stood 
>up shaking
>his hair out of his face. Spike only stared in shock as his eyes widened

Rebecca: [Spike] It's... A previously undiscovered species of lemur! [Ding]

>"What's wrong Spike," Ural asked. "You act as if you've seen a ghost."
>"Amazing," Spike said. "I don't see you for 10 years and yet you've still got
>the spunk of a 24 year old, even though you must be almost 100 years old."
>"Close, 84," the person replied.
>"Who is he though?!" Ural shouted.

Tsuneo: THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WANT TO KNOW!
Dan: Simmer, wonder boy! Simmer!
Tsuneo: I WILL NOT BE CALM! I REFUSE TO CALM DOWN UNTIL THIS FIC 
STOPS BEING A TIRADE OF STUPID FIGHT SCENES, RIDICULOUS RUN-INS AND 
RANDOM UNKNOWN VOICES!

[Sarah whips out a taser and zaps Tsuneo with it. He collapses to the floor]

Tsuneo: Thank you.
Sarah: I understand where you're coming from.

>"Sifu Gage," Spike replied. "My JKD instructor.
>"My name Shawn," Shawn, the JKD instructor,

Sarah: For those who didn't catch it the first time...

>stated. "And I will finish you, Rent."

Sarah: FINISH HIM!

>"Haha," Rent laughed. "That's a good one, an 84 year old versus a 26 year old
>man. Who'll win?"

Sarah: Apparently Rent must be a total moron. Anyone who's watched enough HK
flics knows the old master can totally trash his foe when ever he wants.

>"Don't take him too likely," Spike shouted. "He won't be so easy.

Dan: Noodles? Try my fist!

>Shawn charged in towards Rent. Rent threw a cross right at Shawn's 
>face, but he
>slipped it and threw a thai kick

Rebecca: So I guess in this fic every fighting style in the world comes down to
Thai kickboxing.
Sarah: My guess is the writer was only able to master Sagat.

>followed by a knee to Rent's stomach. Rent vomited.

Dan: [Rent] Corn chunks? But I never eat corn.
Rebecca: There's always corn chunks.

>Rent caught a glance of his knife lying on the ground just a few feet
>away. Rent dropped to the ground and rolled towards the knife, but just before
>grabbing it Shawn kicked him into the stomach sending him three feet into the
>air.

Sarah: You know, this guy should have just come along at the start of the fic
and saved us all the bother.

>"It's all over now," Shawn said. "Give up."
>"Never," Rent replied trying to stand up.

Dan: While eyeing the gun hidden under a piece of rubble.

>Rent was holding his shoulder, and his eye was twitching.

Sarah: I believe that means he needs therapy.
Rebecca: You should have that seen to.

>Rent could barely even remain standing, and yet he
>wanted to continue? "I'll fight till my death."

Tsuneo: And it will be.
Sarah: On the upside, it'll remove a potentially dangerous element from the gene
pool.

>"Have it your way," Shawn said grabbing a broom from the corner. "Then you'll
>die fighting."

Sarah: He's not just going to beat him, he's going to humiliate him.
Rebecca: Firstly Shawn pantses him, then he uses the secret death touch.

>Shawn charged in, swinging the broom around. Shawn thrusted the end into Rent's
>stomach, and slapped him in the face with the bristles.

Sarah: I'd be laughing if I wasn't crying.

>Rent collapsed to the ground, but got back up again. Rent started another
>assault with an outside hook, but Shawn slipped it and slammed the broom stick
>into Rent's face. Splinters fell to the ground along following Rent's path.

Tsuneo: [Rent] Look, stars!

>The fight was finally over, with Shawn the victor. "He died trying," Shawn said
>dropping the remains of the broom."

Dan: So you smack him in the face with a broom and he dies? What kind of a lame-
arsed villain is that?

>The group remained in envy staring at Shawn's victory. For being over 80 years
>old, he's an excellent fighter, but where did this energy come from?

Rebecca: A litre of Jolt at every meal.

>Perhaps
>some questions were meant to never be answered, or maybe they are... but this
>isn't quite the right time yet.

Dan: Like "Where did this Shawn guy come from?"

>See ya in space, Cowboy.

Sarah: We have come to terms.

>------------------------------------------------------------------------------->Preview 
>of "Outlaw Bebop: Session 2- Cold Hearted Horrors"

All: AACK!

><"Want It Back" plays in background>
>Jet- So you thought it's the end?

Dan: Thought? No. Hoped? Yes.

>Guess again. <Spike walking through a grave yard>
>Spike- What? Aren't I dying?

Sarah: I thought we went through this.

><Spike wakes up sweating>

Rebecca: Ooh...

>Jet- Nope, in fact, you'll be just fine. <Gene runs through the streets>
>Spike- So what's this about "Cold Hearted Horrors"? <Ed kicks a mysterious
>person>

Dan: That's about as low as you can go.

>Jet- Oh, didn't I tell you? <Spike points his Jericho at someone>
>Spike- No... <Spike flies through space

Rebecca: On a magical bicycle. Any second now, the Zentraedi are going to shoot
him down.

>in a space suit>
>Jet- Oh, you'll just have to find out on your own. <The session sign shows up>

Sarah: Right.

[She produces a small PDA and starts to type on it. A few moments later the door
opens and four shiny silver cyberdroids walk in. They pick up the TV, take it to
the window, and toss it out.]

Sarah: That about sums it up.
Voice: Not again...
Rebecca: Come on, you should be used to it by now.
Voice: Well she could at least wreck it herself.
Sarah: That's what cyberdroids are for. You should get some.
Voice: They'd give me better reviews.
Tsuneo: Can we just get on with it?
Voice: Go ahead.
Tsuneo: I'm trying to decide just what was the worst part of this fic, but it's
a very hard call. There's the random run-ins, the incoherent and inconsistent
fight scenes, the total and utter lack of description and the loopy
inconsistency with the source material. So all in all, I'm going to say it's the
glorious moments of bad characterisation like Spike casually slitting someone's
throat, Suzaku keeping a pistol handy and Gene being cautious.
Dan: What I want to know is why it's even a crossover? I mean, it starts out as
a kinda normal Bebop "Spike's alive and everyone's back together" fic, but then
the OS characters show up. But the big thing is, that's got nothing to do with
the actual story... Not that there's much of a story, but what I mean is, it's
pointless and unnecessary. Kinda like the whole fic, really.
Rebecca: I think the crowning moment of the whole fic was the final fight
sequence that made up the last chapter. It started off stupidly enough with
the badly-written fight sequence. Then, we have our first run in appear and it
gets kinda stupid. But that's not enough for this fic, oh no. We need more run-
ins by people who have no purpose in being here or, in Shawn's case, we have no
actual idea who they are. Then again, while all this is going on the building is
exploding into flames and burning down around them, so I suppose I shouldn't
comment.
Sarah: There is the problem as I see it. First, the universes of Cowboy Bebop
and Outlaw Star don't really mix. One is a near-future homage to Hong Kong
heroic bloodshed films, while the other is a far-future mix of Star Wars and
Silent Mobius. Blending them together is like adding chocolate syrup to a good
bowl of noodles. Each one may taste great on its own, but together it's crap.
Not only that, but I have to deal with pages of pointless fight scenes that are
given so little description I can't tell what is happening, other than the
writer likes to beat up on Suzaku. Then there is the terrible dialogue, the poor
characterisation, and the general feeling the whole thing was written by a
trained monkey. Or Dan. Well, not Dan. Everyone kept their clothing on, and Faye
didn't take a shower with Suzaku.
Dan: That's not fair!
Sarah: I apologise.
Dan: It would have been Faye and Aisha! [Sarah zaps him with her taser] OW!
Rebecca: I like your style, Sarah.
Sarah: It's a fairly standard tenant relations policy. Zap first and ask
questions later.
Rebecca: We'll have to go over some more applicants, but you're looking pretty
good for taking the post.
Sarah: I'm not sure if I should be offended or not.
Tsuneo: Hypothetically, would you take the job if it were offered to you?
Sarah: On the whole, no. I have to deal with this kind of stupidity all day. I
have precious little spare time as it is without wasting it on torturing myself.
[She glares at Dan] Or reading fics.
Rebecca: Then what would you say to going down to the pub for a whole lot of
drinks?
Sarah: Well... A few drinks.
Rebecca: Great. We'll review your application there.
Sarah: Do you always do that?
Tsuneo: Well, yes.
Sarah: For some reason, I'm just not surprised in the slightest.
Dan: We do our best thinking there.
Sarah: You would, certainly.

[They get up and leave. The screen goes blank]

Voice: Note to self, buy domestic cyberdroids.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by Mike Surbrook (susano@guisame.net), Rick R. Mortis
(rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com)

Sarah K. Ferrari is copyright 2001-2002 Mike Surbrook (Susano)
Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster)
Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random
	DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one
	spot.

Surbrook's Stuff:
	http://www.devermore.net/surbrook/index/index.html
	Hero System goodness, including anime material, Kazei 5, the Kazei 5
	PBEM, artwork, other MSTings, and a zillion character sheets.

Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp,
	all in one big steaming pile.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>"Don't take him too likely,"