Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 38. Allready. And today we have an Evangelion fic inspired by (gulp) Hellstorm Evangelion. And it shows. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. "Fate of the Children" and all editing, lighting, packaging, hair styles, promotional consideration, lack of continuity, music, lyrics, tonal construction, linear notes, timbre, pitch, duration, intensity, basin, tub and toilet bowl, polarity, magnetic field, shipping, shrink wrapping, deli tray, Miles's toooo sweet pecs, you are a child of the universe no less than the trees, wango tango, locust, bean gum, the fighting Arnovich brothers, mother, jugs and speed copyright Tsunami (5th) who must be delusional. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [Dan, Rick, Tsuneo and Rebecca all enter, arguing.] Rick: Personally, I couldn't believe it. I mean, I expected it to be bad- Rebecca: But not that bad, huh? Rick: Yeah. I don't think they managed to do a single thing right. Dan: For me, it was just what I expected. I mean, the tokenistic flavour was there, the hideously stereotyped view of the locals. It wasn't so overdone as you say. Rick: Oh yeah? What about the Kwarlas? Dan: Ouch. You had to mention them, didn't you? Rick: Yup. and here's another point- Rebecca: Mutant koalas wouldn't have nipples. Yes, thank you Rick for the eighth time. Rick: Sorry. But I think it's important. Tsuneo: Worst for me was how, well, generic it was. I mean, you've got the struggling outback, the wandering loonies, the token mutants and new races and the pre-rifts, humano-centric, super-tech cities. It was so much like the coalition, it wasn't funny. Dan: And the NGR. Rick: And Russia. Rebecca: And Japan. Tsuneo: Yeah, see? Basically, it could have been any other Rifts book with the flavour changed. Voice: Morning. Rebecca: Morning, Mr. head. Seen Al Snow lately? Voice: Ha ha. Do you mind if I ask what you were busy dissecting? Rick: The long-delayed Rifts Australia. It was sad. Rebecca: Not worth even a second of the wait. Voice: Be fair. what did you guys really expect? Dan: Not the dwombat. Tsuneo: [Winces] Don't remind me, please. Voice: Very cute. I really, really hated it too. Tsuneo: Wow. For once we agree. Dan: This has got to be a calendar event. Voice: Before we get too wrapped up in this enthralling and intellectual discussion, you guys have got fan mail. [The cluster around the computer. Tsuneo brings up the mail.] Tsuneo: First up, we've got one from Mike Surbrook on the Soul Calibur shorts. > >> MiNa gave him a hard stare. Maxi couldn't help but smile. She looks > >> cute when she's angry, he thought > >Rick: So's the Empress, but I wouldn't try anything then either. > SHION : Am I ever not beautiful? Don't > even *think* of saying no! Rick: She's scaring me... > >> "AAAHHHHH!!!" > >Rick: [Deep] Guess she don't like the corn bread either. > Does this mean we get to see Bishop do that trick with the knife? Or is > that Dan? Dan: [Gulp] Er... no thanks. > >> "HELP!!" Maxi screamed. > >Dan: [Maxi] She's got a pointed stick! > >Rick: [John Cleese] Shut up! > >Rebecca: Really obscure. > Oh, just release the tiger (or drop the 16 ton weight). Rick: [John Cleese] The advantage to the tiger is that it eats the attacker *and* the berries, thus disarming him. > >> Kilik said. Voldo, Astaroth, and Lizardman come. > >Rebecca: God damn, genetics was cruel to you two. > I don't even know who these people *are* and I almost hurt myself laughing > at that one! Dan: Let's just say that Lizardman lives up to his name. Rick: Thanks again, Mike. good to know we're still entertaining. Tsuneo: And a brief one from Paul Fauth: > Elmer Studios where on earth is elmer studios. Rebecca: Elmer Studios is at: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm Rebecca: That help? Tsuneo: Thanks again for writing in. Dan: So what is it today? Rick: Something better than that book, certainly. Rebecca: Don't bet on it. Voice: I've got another EVA fic for you today. Tsuneo: [Deadpan] Which will feature a god-like part-angel self-insertion. Voice: Damn! Tsuneo: I didn't mean to be right... [They sit: Dan and Tsuneo facing the TV, Rick and Rebecca on the sideways couch. Tsuneo and Rebecca are closest on the corners.] [The TV screen lights up.] > Fate of the Children > By Tsunami (5th) > Authour's notes: > Okay, here goes. This was inspired by that brilliant EVA fanfic > "Hellsdtorm Evangelion" Rick: This looks fatal. Tsuneo: I don't know what's worse: That this was inspired by Hellstorm, or that the authour even managed to misspell "Hellstorm." I don't think Even Issei managed that. > (even if it was a bit rough around the edges) All: [Clear thoats making noises like bull****] > by Issei Mataloun! Go read it NOW! Rebecca: No thanks, we've already suffered enough. > This replaces episodes 17-26, because the series really started > to suck after that. Rick: Well, yes it did, given that it was over. > I wrote it for the greatest EVA character of them all. Rebecca: Penpen! > Episiode 17-18: The quality of life. Tsuneo: Diminished by this fic. > The teacher cleared his throat and looked around. "Well, miss > Ayanamai is absent as usual, Dan: If this opening was any more generic, Sasami would be cooking breakfast. Rick: *Please* don't remind me of *that.* > so is Mr. Aida. We'd better get > started." Up the back of the class, Shinji said "hey, where's > Kensuke?" Rebecca: Getting while the getting's good. > "He's off to see some battleship or somehting I > heard." Toji replied. "Mr. Suzuhara! Pay attention!" Hikari > giggle as Toji lokked flustered. The teacher coninued "now we > have a new student today, Dan: Naga the Serpent. > from America. Please make welcome Lisa Foster." Rick: So Does this mean that we'll be seeing Miles O'Keefe too? I hope not. Tsuneo: Let's see... first paragraph in and we've already mangled any ideas of paragraph structure, proper capitalisation and spelling and good grammar. I may as well just shoot myself now and be done with it. > A new girl entered the room, wearing her sailor suit. She was > fairly tall and had short dark blue hair, but neat. Tsuneo: "But neat." But neat what? Shoes? > She has a broad smile and bowed, saying "Great to meet you!" Rebecca: Clearly her medication's kicked in. No new student meets a class like this. By now, everyone should be taking dibs on who gets to beat her up first. > Toji said > "wow, she's a babe!" but a bit too loud, as the whole class heard. Tsuneo: Stock characterisation # 412. Dan: Is this Toji or Brock? I can't tell the difference today. > Hikari looked disgusted at him. Lisa came to sit near Asuka Rick: [Asuka] How dare you invade my personal body space! WHAM! > who > was grumbling aboutb Toji's behaviour. "Guy's are always like > that, " she whispered to asuka and they both giggled. Dan, Rick & Tsuneo: Gee, thanks. > A huge explosion occured in North America, Rick: Whoah! Killer scene change. Dan: Is this gonna be Dinobot meets Xena all over again? Rebecca: Looks like the Empress found where Lobster Boy lives. Tsuneo: No, no, it's the conclusion to "Empathic Odessy." Dan: Nah, Issei's mom just found out what he's been writing. Rick: No, the Geometric Nucleus went off. Rebecca: I suppose a bean burrito joke would be totally out of the question by now? Voice: Yes. Rebecca: Damn. > throwing NERV into a state of panic. Dan: [Gendo] Alright, who left a potato in the microwave? > The second NERV branch there had vanished from the > face of the Earth. Rick: wow. They've got *really* good cleaners. > Maya reported that according to their time > schedule, they were readying the S2 unit for transport. Tsuneo: Huh? Hold on... This ain't right. Dan: [Reading] S2 engine. Fragile. Do not drop. Rebecca: See what happens when you use UPS? > Ritsuko > s7ummarised that there must have been a design flaw with the engine Rebecca: Oh yeah, the old "switch it on and it blows up" flaw. Rick: Her grasp of the bleedingly obvious amazes me. > and it was gone for good. Later, Ritsuko, Maya, Misato and Gendo > were in a meeting. Dan: [Maya] And as you can see, sales of Evangelion breakfast cereal have- [Tsuneo whacks him with a cushion.] > "So I have to conclude that the S2 engine is flawed, and that we'll > never be able to use them," Ritsuko finished. Rick: Thank you for re-stating your previous statement of the bleedingly obvious. > "That puts us back at square one. What about the EVAs that were > stationed there?" Misato asked. Tsuneo: One presumes they went up too, but this *is* a fanfic. > "Unit 03 and Unit 04 were both in the first American branch for > final testing. They were going to be transported for S2 > installation befor the accident happened." Maya read off her report. Rebecca: [Maya] The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is about a bunch of... hippies. They muck around and find a magical... horse, but have to eat it to survive. Overall, I give it a B+. Rick: Thank you so much for that. > "At least we still have both of them. Have them transferred here for > final testing and deployment. Tsuneo: [Gendo] Along with that John Ellison kid. Rebecca: I still wanna see him deathmatch Issei. > We may need them soon." Gendo said. Dan: Can we say "set up," kiddies? All: Set up. > Later, Ritsuko and Misatro were talking. "So what's gonna happen > when they get here?" Misato asked Ritsuko. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Oh, they'll probably bring along a 14 year old uberkid with them, unit 03 will be possessed by the 13th angel and run amuck, and Shinji will have a psychotic episode. Rick: [Misato] Is that all? Might as well take the day off. > "We'll conduct the final activation tests and go from there" Ritsuko > replied. > "But who'll be piloting them?" Misto asked. Dan: And here's the pitch... > ***** Rick: At least we got a warning this time. > "Lunchtime at last!" Toji bellowed out, whipping out his food and > chowing down. Tsuneo: And Toji takes the gold in the Olympic lunch demolition finals. > "What?" Asuka screamed out from across the room "You > didn't cook our lunches?" Rebecca: [Shinji] Well, it was DJ's turn. Dan: Uh-oh. Asuka gonna go ape**** again. > Shinji whined an apology as usual, Dan: You know, that whole pointless apology sketch in Cruel Lina's Thesis wasn't so far off the mark. > but Asuka wasn't satisfied. Rebecca: It would take a big man to satisfy her. > she bellowed at him until someone put a hand on her shoulder. Dan: Which was promptly hacked off at the wrist. Rick: [Asuka] You dare invade my personal space again? Die, infidel! WHAM! > "Don't worry, you can have mine," Lisa said, > smiling and holding out her lunch box to Asuka. "I never eat it all, > anyway." Dan: [Asuka] Eew! Avatar germs! Tsuneo: Come on, we don't know it'll be her. [Pauses] Hell, yes we do. > Asuka was embarrassed at first, Dan: No. Rick: No. Rebecca: Nope. Tsuneo: Nuh-uh. > looking at this strange new girl. Rick: Asuka's brain's gone back on line. Dan: Well, when was trhe last time you saw sowmone wearing a hubcap on their chest? > then Shinj butted in. "Can I have some too? Dan: [Shinji] I've gotta get me some of that. > I don't haveany lunch > either!" "It's up to Asuka," Lisa sdaid. "No! You didn't make any, > so you go hungry!" Rick: I hate to agree with her, but it is kinda your fault. > Asuka bellowed at him then She and Lisa turned to > leave the room. Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, Asuka has left the building! > "Looks like the newlyweds are fighting," Toji > remarked. "Oh, shut up!" Asuka. Lisa and Shinji all yelled. Dan: I suppose we should be amused by this hilarious skit. Tsuneo: The actual episode was sort of like this, except without the dread Lisa. Rick: I guess we should be glad it's not a crazy entertainment story. > On the roof of the school, the two girls are chowing down. Rebecca: [Lisa] Save some of that for me. Rick: [Asuka] How dare you argue with the great and mighty Asuka! WHAM! > "So, you're from America," Rick: That's what the teacher said. You deaf or something? > Asuka asked. "Yeah, born and bred in the good > ole USA." [Everyone spittoons.] > Lisa replied. "But you speak Japanese so well," Asuka commented. Tsuneo: It's one of the perks of being an avatar. Dan: Well you speak Japanese. Tsuneo: I've got an excuse. > "So do you," Lisa replied. Asuka looked surprised, and > Lisa continued. "I heard you were born in Germany." Asuka smiled. Rick: [Lisa] Don't leave me with the Germans! > "I was raised in Germany, but I was born here. I'm fluent in both > German and Japanese." Rebecca: If you call what she says in the dubs German. > "Me too," Lisa added in German. Tsuneo: Hahahaha. Go on, chuck her off the building! You know you want to! > The two girls chuckled for a bit, then Lisa sighed, looking a bit sad. Rebecca: I'd say she looks pretty sad regardless. > "Why'd you come here," asuka said. "My family moved here for > business reasons," Lisa replied. Rick: Actually, they were getting away from that evil John Saxon guy. Dan: [Lisa] Daddy has a tendency to speak haltingly. You get used to it after a while. > It's all so new to me, I'm not sure > where to go or what to do." "Yeah, this place can be pretty dumb," Tsuneo: Well thank you. > Asuka said with a smirk, "But stick with me. I'll take good care of > you." Rebecca: [Laughs maniacally] Dan: [Asuka] Yes... excellent care. Rick: [Lisa] But do you always carry that butcher's knife with you? Tsuneo: You guys are getting pretty dark here. Rick: Like we care. > Lisa smiled and nodded. "Thank you. I'd like that a lot. Dan: Oh man, Asuka's pitching 'em, but Lisa's watching 'em go straight by. > Later on, Asuka was told to take some papers to Rei's place. Dan: Nothing important, just bits of paper. > Lisa decided to walk with her, to see more of Rebecca: What's under Asuka's skirt. Tsuneo: Oh come on, that's getting a little carried away. > the town. They knocked, then entered when no-one is here. Tsuneo: Uh... hah. Nope. > "Well," said Asuka, "This is where > wonder girl lives." "Wonder girl?" Lisa asked, inquiring about the > name Asuka had used. Rick: Well yeah, we kinda guessed that. > "Well, she just seems to be good at everything." Lisa hmmed. Rebecca: [Lisa] I'll take care of that! I'm the avatar around here! > "I'd like to meet her." Dan: [Asuka] Well, she's busy with John right now... > On cue, the door opened and Rei walked in. "Oh, uh, hi, Rei." Asuka > said, startled. "This is Miss Ayanami?" Lisa asked of the blue-haired > girl. "You don't have to botrher with Miss Ayanami, it's just Rei." > Asuka said back. Rei walked past the two of them, ignoring them. "This > is the new schoolgirl, Lisa," asuka said. Rei ignored her. "She joined > out class today," Asuka said. Rei ignored her. "I'm very pleased tom > meet you, Rei." Lisa said. Rei ignored her. Tsuneo: Rei gets all the best lines here. > "She's alway like this," Asuka said aside to Lisa. At that pint, Dan: Boy, Rei's really packing it away. > Rei pulled off her dress and started to undress. Rebecca: Of course, I forgot. This is a scene involving Rei, ergo she has to be removing her clothes. Dan: Me see London, me see France! > "Hey! what are you doing?" Asuka asked. Tsuneo: Well, I thought it was pretty obvious. > Rei ignored her. "Hey, answer me!" shee needled. Rei > ignored her. "It's very rude to ignore us liek that, "Asuka continued. > "It's rude to barghe into someone's room." Rei said, flatly. Dan: Ouch. Rick: score one to Rei. > Lisa blushed, then looked at the ground as Rei turned to face them , > giving them a blank stare. Rebecca: but Tsuneo was giving the screen a rather different stare. Tsuneo: Uh? Oops. > Asuka stared almost in shock. "I- I',m > sorrty," Lisa said, quietly. "We didn't mean to intrude Dan: Like hell. > - we just > needed to deliver something from school." Rei stared at them. "Come > on, let's go ", asuka said, pulling Lisa away. Rebecca: [Asuka] Lisa, you're drooling. > ***** > The next day, Toji was called to the principal's office, Dan: [Principal] Toji, it's about those cherry bombs in the toilets. > and was very depressed. Rick: Hey, that's Shinji's schtick. Tsuneo: Lay off Toji. Fate just kicked him. > The next day, asuka left early, in a huff. She was stalking Dan: [Asuka] Kaji should be along any minute. Then I'll take him home and lock him away and he'll be all mine! [Laughs maniacally.] > to school, rather annoyed, when someone approached her on the street. Tsuneo: Oh, look! It's Random Dude. Rick: No, it's The Dude in the dark glasses! > "Hey there, what's the matter," Lisa asked her. Dan: [Asuka] I'm being pestered by an excessively cheery avatar. What do you think? > "Nothing." She siad. "Come on, what is it." Tsuneo: It's a crappy fanfic, but I thought you already knew that. > "Well... Shinji Rei and I are the Evangelion > pilots." You are?" Lisa asaid, surprised. Dan: Oh, come on. As if she could go to that school for two days and not figure it. > "Yeah. And as ifd workign > with that weenie shinji and lifeless Rei wasn't bad enough, Tsuneo: [Asuka] My spelling level is dropping by the second! > now we're > gonna have to work with that damned Toji." "Yow. that's gonna be > difficult." Lisa said, slowing down. "Yeah," siad Asuka. "He's such a > jerk and all." ":You'll get used to it, I'm sure." "Wheather I like it > or not, you mean." "Well it can't be much worse than working with > Shinji!" Dan: Yes it can! Shinji doesn't have an ego. > Lisa said with a smile. Asuka grinned. Rick: Is it just me, or is everyone on prozac in this fic? Rebecca: Maybe Tsunami's just another name for Star Ruby. > "Good point. I can > just leave those jerks ot their own devices." "Yup," Lisa replied, > "who needs 'em anyway?" "Yeah!" Asuka called out and they hurried to > school. Dan: Is it just me, or has Asuka reached the level of incredibly OOC already? I mean, she's being nice and friendly to a complete stranger. > ***** > Pressure and power built up in the two EVAs, Rick: [Ritsuko] Once the EVAs have begun to boil, I add the vegetables. > both with their pilots inside. Unit 3 was blkack with red patches, Tsuneo: Unit 03 isn't usually... Holy crap! Rebecca: Maybe they did ship John with it! Better check if it's got a little X symbol on it's chest. Tsuneo: So is this gonna be part NXE anti-fic? Rebecca: Nah, we'd know it by now. > and unit 4 was silver with black patches Tsuneo: Oh, it's just like the model. > they both had the same design of head; two eyes and a > large jutting jaw. Dan: And a chin that even Jay Leno would fear. > Ritsuko, Misato and the techs looked on, Rick: [Misato] Bored, bored, bored. I am *so* bored. > glancing > at the monitors as everything was alright for now. A few unusual > readings began to show up anmd Ritsuko was conserned. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] What? An aura of smooth? > Then blue waves of energy crackled over Unit 04. All: Ooooooh! > "Shut down all systenms! something's wrong!" Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] We're caught in a crappy fanfic! > Ritsuko called out, but she was two late. Tsueno: Two what late? > Unit 03's mouth opened and it roared out loud. Dan: Nope! That was just Lina's stomach. > The whole testing facility was blasted to pieces. All: WA-TAK! > The three other EVAs were dispatched to the Area. Shinji was conserned > because he didn't know what the angel was, Tsuneo: Well, that *is* one of the major elements of the storyline. > but Asuka told him "It's just an angel1 Rick: And a really small one at that. You might as well throw it back. > We've gotta destroy it because it's our job." Dan: And it beats working retail. > Rei said nothing, of course. Rebecca: Thank god for the small things. > The three of them split up Rick: Split up. We can do more damage that way. > and surrounded the area. Rei was the first to see it, Tsuneo: Actually, Asuka was the first to get tied into a pretzel. > it was a tall, lean shape Dan: [Angel] I lost 50 tons on the Jenny Craig Angel Program. Ask me how! > just like EVA-03. All: Nah! > It flung itself back onto her EVA and started grappling it. Rebecca: Hit him with a chair! > It > fused with the EVA's left arm, so Gendo ordered it blown off. The > angel left Unit 00 as it was no longer interested. Tsuneo: [Deadpan] Wow. What a brilliant retelling of the EVA 00 versus 13th angel battle. I'm awed. [Yawns] > Next it went after Unit 01. Shinji held up hisn rifle but refused to > fire becaus ethere was someone inside the monster. Rebecca: It's only Toji, what are you worried about? > It extended its arms > and grabbed unit 01 around it's troat, tossing it around like a rag > doll then chokeslamming it onto the side of the mountain. Rick: It's being piloted by Kane! > It kicked > Unit 01 a few times then yanked out it's power cord. Shinji was > stunend and couldn't do anything so it ignored him as he ran out of > power. Tsuneo: So much for the whole part with the dummy plug. Dan: Don't EVAs have five minutes or something after they lose their cords? Tsuneo: Yup. Dan: But it just- Rebecca: Don't ask. > The monster finally came around to Asuka. She knew who was in there, > but she wasn't afraid to fire on it because she knew that the world > was at stake since she couldn't let it run rampage and also she didn't > like him very much. Rick: Oh, that's just wonderful! Rebecca: Remind me not to rely on her. > She fired off her Bazooka at the angel, but is > leapt up slamming into unit 02 before she could fire again. All: TOGG! > It began to choke her EVA just like it did to shinji. > Then another shape appeared, leaping over a ridgeand slamming ibnto > the angel. Tsuneo: Appearing suddenly - without so much as a warning or even an establishing shot - it's the uberkid and her EVA posing up a storm! > It was Unit 04! Tsuneo: See? > It knocked the angel off and grabvbed it in an armlock form behind. Rick: [Announcer] Unit 04 with a reverse armlock on the 13th angel! And the crowd is going wild! > "Get ready to fire," yell a voice from inside > the EVA. "I'm gonna ehect the entry plug!" Unit 04's eyes then glowed > and the fibers around the angel's plug shredded and Topji's plug shot > out and parachuted away. Dan: Can it do that? Rebecca: No, but the uberkid can. Tsuneo: I hope this doesn't become a trend. > The angel twisted around and grabnbed Unit 04, throwing it off and > away from it. Rick: [Announcer] And a sudden reversal from the angel! Unit 04's on the mat! > Unit 04 chrash landed and was out of power as it didn't > have a cord attatched, but it's pilot still had communications. "Shoot > it now!" the pilot yrelled to Asukja Rick: Twisted clone of Asuka. Tsuneo: That's how you can tell it was inspired by Hellstorm. Dan: You think making comparisons between the two is unfair? Rebecca: At least there's no buckets of blood yet. > as the angle had turned Rick: So now it's obtuse, rather than being acute. > its back. > Asuka let out a yell and fired her bazooka, blasting away a huge chunk > of the angel's back. Dan: He's gonna be feeling that in the morning. > It roared in pain then turned back to her. She > fired again, blowing off its arm. Rebecca: Shoulder hit. [Dan and Rick clobber her with cushions.] Tsuneo: I still don't wanna know. > The angel ran at her and she threw > away her bazooka, drawing the prog knife. Rebecca: Which is of course, not the X-Acto knife of doom. Tsuneo: ... > The Angel was right on top > of her but she slashed out her knife, slicing into it's neck. The > Angels's blood flowed out and it was dead. Rick: Now *that's* how you can tell it was inspired by Hellstorm. > Asuka walked her EVA over to unit 04 as the recovery crews arrived. > 5toji Rick: Say, how much will 5 Toji buy you these days? > had been rescued safe and sound, Dan: Yeah, just like all those BGC SIs. Rebecca: What's the bets that rescuing the pilot of Unit 03 will be a common event for EVA SIs? Tsuneo: Pretty good. > but she didn't know who the other pilot was. Dan: As if we couldn't guess. > The entrey plug ejected and openeed upo. Tsuneo: Releasing a whole swarm of random and unnecessary letters. > Asuka peered at the girl inside, wearing a black and silver plugsuit. Rick: At least she's got some taste. > "Hey," yelled out Lisa 9in her Rebecca: Black fur miniskirt, hubcap breastplate and headband. > plugsuit "I'm the new pilot!" as she victory-signed Asuka. Tsuneo: Well, gee, who here didn't see that one coming? Rick: Whatever. But if she gets "ultraviolint," I'm outta here. > To be cont. Dan: And that's a threat. > Fate of the Children > By Tsunami (5th) > Episode 19-20: The next stage. > The very next day, the five pilots were at NERV command, undergoing > sync tests. Toji, while he was still a pilot, was on reserve duty and > watching the tests withb Ritsuko, Maya and Misato. Rick: [Toji] This is so dull. What's on RAW? > They commented that > Lisa's sync rate was good for a beginner, Rebecca: All the way through shot and shell, here we go to self- insertion hell. Tsuneo: She'll be okay as long as she doesn't use the external cameras. > equal to Asuka's which was > now rising. Toji mentioned how much the two of them had been hanging > around together, and they agreedf this was good for Asuka. Tsuneo: But very, very bad for us. > After the > tests, Asuka and Lisa were talking in the change rooms. Rei was > getting changed, but they both ignored her. Rebecca: My point regarding Rei and her clothes is proven. > "Why didn't you ever tell me you were a pilot?" Asuka asked. Dan: [Lisa] You didn't ask. > "I was going to, but you seemed really annoyed. I didn't want to give > you more bad news." Lisa replied. Rick: I'd classify that as bad news, certainly. > "Bad news?" Asuka said. "It's great workinjg with a real friend." Rebecca: Asuka's been on the prozac again. I mean, she doesn't have friends; she's got people she hates less. > "Well, Shinji always says how piloting the EVa is terrible." Rick: And can you blame him? > "Don't listen to him, he's just a big whiner," Asuka saidf. "piloting > EVAs is really great." Tsuneo: You can suffer from an exclusive set of mental disorders. > "Yeah. Toji and Kensuke are a lot liek that, too." Lisa replied. Tsuneo: Piloting the EVAs is great... Those two are like that... Hang on! Rebecca: Did we just skip something here? > "Men." they both said together, and giggled. Rei turned and left, but > Lisa called after her. "Hey, we're going for a burger afterwards. > Wanna join us, Rei?" Rebecca: That sounds so dirty. Dan: For a burger. She *specifically* said for a burger. Can't you get your mind out of the gutter for five seconds? Rebecca: Can you? Dan: [Pause] Yeah. > Rei ignored her. God she's rude," Asuka said as Rei left. Rick: [Lisa] Showing up and upstaging everyone and making 'em do what she wants... Whoops, that's me! > "Don't worry, she'll lighten up some day," Lisa said. Tsuneo: I have a horrible sense of foreboding, like I have seen this all before. Dan: Don't panic. Zeruel will be here in a few minutes and cane everyone. Rebecca: Don't put any money on it. Rick: Twenty to one says she totals it solo. Tsuneo: You're on. > ***** > The two of them were at a roadside burger stand chatting when the > city-wide alarms went off, announcing another Angel attack. Rick: [Asuka] Goddamned angels! Can't you wait until I've finished my lunch? Tsuneo: [Zeruel] Whoops! Sorry! She's scaring me... > Both Rei > and shinji were already int he geofront, so they would be deployed > first. Rebecca: In the grand tradition of Ensign Throwaway. > Asuka and Lisa rushed to the Geofront and saw ther angel > approaching, being bombarded by missile fire with no effewct. Tsuneo: [Zeruel] Dum-dee-dum, it's a lovely day. I think I'll go and run over some EVAs. Rick: He's kinda like an Ogre, only airborne. > Lisa stopped dead in her tracks and muttered siomething. Rebecca: [Lisa] Goddamn Angel. Wasn't meant to show up for a few hours. > "What was that?" > Asuka asked. "Nothing. This angel looks tough, they'll need out help. Dan: And Ritsuko hands over her award for the statement of blatantly obvious. > Units 1 and 0 were activaterd and deployed inside the geofront. Unito > 0 was holding it's sniper riftle (yeah, I know it lost an arm, but > they fixed it this time) Tsuneo: Oh, that's wonderful. Did it ever occur to you that they didn't fix it... [Yelling] Because they frigging well didn't have time to fix it? > and Unit 1 had a large halberd. Rebecca: Looks more like a hook-fauchard to me. Dan: No, it's a fauchard-fork. Anyone can tell that. Rick: No, no, no, it's a glaive guisarme. Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, the AD&D polearm sketch. > The immense angel decseended Rick: [Mexican accent] So eets a Mexican Angel now? Dan: Arriba! Rebecca: No, it's the Japanese version of Tripredacus. > intot he geo-front, ignoring the shots from Rei's rifle as it came down. All: [Zeruel] I'm huge! > Shinji rushed to where it as landing and swung with his enourmous polearm, Rick: [Screeching] Glaive glaive guisarme glaive with spam. Dan: He's got a pointed stick! Rebecca: [John Cleese] Shut up! > but rthwe angel wrapped one of its arms > around the blade and picked it up. Unit 1 held onto the halberd and > was tossed around like a doll, Tsuneo: This seems to happen to Unit 01 a lot. Rick: I'm beginning to wonder what exactly Shinji does around here. Rebecca: About as much as in NXE. Dan: [Shinji] Help! I'm falling at a sixty-degree angle, breaking all the laws of physics! > then thrown at unit 0. The two of them > collapsed together, then the angle blasted them both. Dan [Zeruel]: And don't ever call me supplementary again! > They were damaged and deactivated. Rick: well you two really contributed, didn't you? > The angel then stood there, seemingly waiting outside the command > building. All: Wha? Tsuneo: Hello, Zeruel? What are you waiting for, the men's room to free up or something? Rick: [Zeruel] Um... Um... I had something important to do, but I can't quite remember what. > "What's it doing?" Gendo asked. Rebecca: Lurking. Dan: [Zeruel] Where's a convenient pile of rubble when I need it? Rebecca: But is it dramatically appropriate? Tsuneo: Well, maybe you could rubble the damned command center *then* perch on it! What the hell are you waiting for, a written invitation? > "I have no idea, came the > response from the floor. They deployed units two and four on either > side of the angel. It immediately turned to unit 4 and fired at it. Rick: Oh, it was waiting to kill the uberkid. Dan: That's alright then. > Lisa skillfully avoided the blast as Asuka shot the angel from behind > with her bazookjas, Rick: Is that anything like a "bozooka?" > but to no effect. The angel ignored her, intent on > destroying unit 4. "Why is it doing this," Misato asked. "It is to be > exopected," Gendo said silently. Tsuneo: But you just asked what... [Hangs head] Oh, gods. > The angel got a hit on unit 3, knocking it down and blasting one of the > legs to pieces. Rebecca: Good thing it was Unit 03, which is a pile of dismembered body parts by now, and not one of the *active* EVAs. > Lisa screamed in pain. All: [Cheering] Zeruel! Zeruel! Go team! > Enraged, Asuka charged at the angel and leapton Dan: -Kingdom of Alpha Cygni. > its back, Rebecca: [Announcer] With a folding steel chair! > stabbing her prog knife into the angerl Tsuneo: Any idea what one of those is? Rebecca: An enraged online feminist? > to > nop effect. It wrapped an arm around her eva's head and through her > away, Rick: [Asuka] I can fly! > then turned back to Lisa. > "Hey, ugly!" Asuka yelled out. Dan: Oh, boy. You're for it. > The angle turned to face her, Rebecca: Its an angle of revolution! > with unit 02 holding a huge energy rifle. Rick: [Asuka] This is my *boom* stick! > She fired off an immense shot straight > at the angel's core, but a barrier blocked it. Tsuneo: [Asuka] Poopie. Any new plans? > "Asuka!" Lisa yelled out. You've got to focus your AT field!" All: Use the Force, Asuka! > She concentrated, extending one of > her EVa's arms. A flash shot from the hand and struck the angel, > tearing one of it's arms off. Rebecca: Uh? Rick: Dude! This is pretty ****ed up right here! Tsuneo: Well Unit 01 *did* kill Zeruel with something like that, but only when it had become self-aware and absorbed Shinji, so it's got an excuse. > "Like that," Dan: [Asuka] Oh, it's *so* easy! > she said, but was silenced > when the Angel blasted her EVA again and she passed out. Rick: Woo-hoo! Rebecca: Keep it up Zeruel! Dan: [Zeruel] Zeruel 3:16 says you just lost! > "Lisa!" Asuka yelled out. She extended her EVA's arms, hand together, > and focused on the AT field. A streak of power shot from the end of > the arms Dan: KAMEHAMEHA! > and darted straight at the angel's core. Ity pasased through > it's AT fild, through it's barrier and obliterated the core. It Angel > exploded in a huge Tsuneo: -Mess of atrocious grammar. Rebecca: Then, Angel explode. > blast of power, and Asuka's EVa collapsed as Asuka > was exhaustyed from exertion. Tsuneo: I win. > ***** > After the battle, the four piltos woke up in the recovery room. Rebecca: [Asuka] I hate this place. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Get used to it. > They were all fine except for Lisa who had a bandage around her head, Rick: No actually injuries, just a stylish bandage. > and were quickly dismiswsed. Rei and Shinji walked out, Rebecca: And Rei kept her clothes on, even. Dan: Ah, they're not important, they're just the lead characters. > but Asuka stayed > to talk to Lisa. "How did you know what to do?" Asuka asked. Rick: [Lisa] I read the clue book. > "It just seemed right. I felt the AT field in my mind and felt the > EVA's power. How did you manage to do it so well?" > "I don't know," Asuka replied. "I think the EVA lieks me or something." Tsuneo: Oh, come on! That's about OOC for Asuka as it gets! She just sees the EVA as a device, not a living creature! > "Well then," Lisa smiled, at leaset it's got good taste." Rebecca: Lips, don't unpurse. > Asuka smiled > and they both left. While walking home, Asuka asked Lisa something. > "Lisa?" > "Hmm?" Rick: [Asuka] Where'd my original personality go? > "What we did today? With the AT fields and all? It kind of scares me." Dan: It scares the willies out of me. > "Don't let it. Just know that you can control it,m and you have nothing > to worry about." Rick: Now there's a lame set up if I ever saw one. > They paused, then Asuka said "I suppose we're gonna have to teach the > others how to do it." Tsuneo: Maybe they can do something in the next fight. Rebecca: [Bad Chinese accent] Now, dung beetle, you must focus the power of the AT field in your mind. Rick: Grasshopper, master. Grasshopper. Rebecca: [bad Chinese accent] And now, ladybug, I must go and find my contact lenses. Rick: [Cracking up] Grasshopper, Master. [Sniggers] Grasshopper. Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Kung Fu" sketch. > "Yeah. Not that those two jerks deserve it." > They laughed and continued home. All: Ha ha ha ha ha. Tsuneo: Morons. > ***** > Ritsuko looked at the report a few more times, Rick: [Ritsuko] A man in the sky? Preposterous. > then tore it up. It was > impossible. Regardles sof the readings, Asuka couldn't have managed a > 500% sync ratio, Tsuneo: I can't be bothered ranting that one down. Consider it toast. > even if for less than a microsecond. > To be cont. > Authour's notes: Yeah, it seems really short and all, Rick: We don't mind, trust us. > but thats only > because I was just doing episode 19, since number twenty sucked severely. Tsuneo: Well, never mind the all-important themes of the entire sreies... > More still to come, loyal fans! All: Where? > Fate of the Children > By Tsunami (5th) > Episode 21-22: Please be humane > Asuka had been cranky all day. Dan: So what else is new? > No-one in the class was poking fun at > her, she had snapped at the teacher and even Lisa was avoiding her, Rebecca: No, girl, closer to the kill zone. > rather than being treated to the same venomous attack that Misato had > already suffered. Dan: [Ash] Asuka! Venom attack! > At the end of class, Lisa and Asuka left the class > room insilence. Tsuneo: Silence? Asuka? > Toji, too curious, followed them out to the playground. Rick: Bye, Toji. Been nice knowing you. > "Hey, Asuka!" He called after them and they both stopped in their > tracks. Asuka turned around, giving him and evil glare. Rebecca: Give him... the evil eye! > "How come > you're so cranky all of a sudden? You'd jsut started being nice to me." Tsuneo: Let's see: How many ways can we say "out of character?" Rebecca: Issei Mataloun. Dan: Brett Handy. Rick: Chou Mitsurugi. Tsuno: Thank you. > Asuka growled as Lisa said "There are soemthings you should never ask > a girl." Asuka walked over to Toju. Dan: And ignoring Toji. Rebecca: These twisted clones are really piling up. > He gulped in fear, but Asuka planted her nee All: Ni! Ni ni ni! > right in his crotch before he could run away. Rebecca: [Sniggers] Dan: You're not helping. > "I hate you!" she scremed., "All of you who are taunting me! Rick: Sounds like the voices in her head are acting up again. > Why don't you just let me > be!" lis put a hand on her shoulder, Rebecca: Go on, Asuka, rip it off! You know you want to! > but Asuka swatted it off, growling at her. Rick: Just like those snakes. Tsuneo: Okay, I think we can drop the "Cave Dwellers" references now. > Lisa stoodback in shock as Asuka stalked off. into the distance, > leaving Lisa stunned. Dan: Hissy fit! Hissy fit! > "Her mind is not open," Rei said quietly to Lisa. > "She cannot accept what she does not like." "Well thank you so much, Dr. > Ayanami," Lisa said, spitting sarcasm. Tsuneo: Hey, listen to Rei! She's the only one here with her head screwed on right. Rick: That's pretty dire. Rebecca: Except, of course, that the uberkid knows all. > ***** > "Why do I have to suffer like this just because Im a girl?" Asuka said, > her head hung over a wash basin. "It's not like I want to have kids > anyway." > "I'm sure it's overrated too," Rebecca: Please don't let this be going where I think this is going. Tsuneo: [Groans] I hope not. Dan: Huh? Rebecca: Forget it. > said Lisa as she entered the room. Rick: Haven't you ever heard of giving someone privacy. Dan: Come on, Asuka, brain her on the sink! > Asuka looked sheepish, and said "I'm sorry I snapped at you." Rick: Couldn't you just snap her in half instead? > "I understand. I get like that too. Just remember who to kick next > tiome, okay?" Lisa added, smiling. Tsuneo: Little knowing that Toji had painted a bullseye on her butt. > ***** > The two of them waited for the lift. When the door opened, they saw > Rei waiting inside. Rick: Oh look, it's the death of the party. Tsuneo: Ha, ha. > "This is gonna get ungly," Lisa thought to > herself as the enetered and stood in silence for a few kinutes. Tsuneo: Kinutes? What are kinutes? Rebecca: A type of small, Soviet ASW cruiser. Rick: No, no, he was a Norman king of England. > Then Rei suddenly spoke up. "You need to open your mind. If you cannot > relate to others, your EVA will not eork Dan: Is that something like an Ewok? Rick: No, it's the sound a frog makes. I'm pretty sure of it. > for you." Tsuneo: I'm just gonna keep my trap shut through this scene and hope it doesn't get any worse. > "Hah! Look who's talking!" Asuka shouted back. "I'm the one who can > manipulate my AT field, not you!" Rebecca: [Asuka] I'm better than you are! Nyah nyah ne-nyah nyah! > "I have enver needed to." Rei responded. Dan: She's got you there. Rebecca: Ouch. Score one to Rei. > "And as for relating to people, you're one to talk! You don't know > anything about relating!" Rick: One all. Tsuneo: ... > "I understand people better than you," rei replied. Dan: Just ask Mrs. Akagi about that one. Rebecca: And she's got a psychology degree to prove it. > "You can only relate to your EVA because of ytour affection for Lisa. Tsuneo: At about this time, Asuka turns crimson and murders Rei. Sorry, I had to but in there. I'll shut up now. > Lisa looked startled and Asuka turned red with Anger. Rick: Then Asuka explode. > "The last > thjing I need is to be lectured on relationships by a cold-hearted > machine like yourrself!" Rebecca: No, the last thing you need now is an uberkid hanging off you like a bad smell. Being lectured by Rei is way down the list. > "I am not a machine," Rei replied. > "You are! You do everything you're told to! You're unthinking, > uncaring, heartless and cruel! Rebecca: [Rei] And those are my good points. Tsuneo: ... > I hate you!" the door dinged open > and Asuka stormed out. "I hate all of you!" Dan: You know, you're not allowed to say that with the avatar around. > she dashed away from the lift and the door closed. > "That was needless," Lisa told Rei. Rick: So you've been reading the fic too? > "She does not understand about the EVA," Rei said. "She thinks of it > onkly as a machine." > "No-one can understand it like we do," Lisa said. Rebecca: [Cracks up] I can't say it! God damn, I can't say it! Rick: Huh? [Reads last line again] Gack! Dan: You're disgusting. Rebecca: Thank you. > "Shinji does," Rei replied. Rick: [Shinji] Hey! I actually got mentioned this chapter! > "He's a special case. Rick: He's a basket case. > Asuka will understand." the door opened, and > Lisa stalked out. "I'll see to that." Rebecca: [Lisa] I will warp her to my will even more. > ***** Tsuneo: In the meantime, the origin of NERV has been revealed, Fuyutski has been kidnapped, Kaji's dead, Misato's a murderer and is having a nervous breakdown, Shinji's moping and *should* have just been pulled out of unit 01 and we had a gratuitous melon joke. Rick: The animation quality also took a severe nosedive, but then again the same's happened to the writing here. Rebecca: Finished yet? Tsuneo: Sorry. I'm just amazed by the amount of respect she shows for the actual events of the show. > The base echoed with the blaring of the attack siren. Rick: [Loud] Someone turn down that stereo! > The four pilots > rushed to their respective EVAs, and ASuka demanded to be deployed > first. "Let her go," Misato says. "She can take the point for a change." Rebecca: Cool! Asuka's brain's gonna be reduced to jelly! Like anyone would notice the difference. [Dan whacks her with a cushion.] Tsuneo: You watch. > The four EVAs were deployed around the city, Dan: Unit 02 on attack, unit 01 on right wing, unit 04 fullback and unit 00 in goal. Tsuneo: [Rei, deadpan as ever] Go team. > each gazing up at the angel floating in orbit. Rick: [Asrael] Nyah nyah nee-nyah nyah! You can't get me! [Blows raspberry.] > They could barely maek it ouy on maximium magnification. Tsuneo: Yeah... I'm having trouble making that out too. > Asuka and Lisa had extreme range rifles deployed to their location. Dan: [Ash from Evil Dead] This is my boom stick! > Asuka siezed hers and began to take aim, Rebecca: [Asuka] Come on, a little closer and I can get the big pink teddy bear. > but at that moment an > immense beam of light shot out from the angel and engulf unit 02. Rick: Didn't I tell you not to stand so close to the microwave? Dan: [Asuka] Sorry. > Asuka's psychographs went wild as her EVa dropped the rifle, clutching > its head. Rick: [Announcer] When you've got a headache this big... Rebecca: Someone just pumped the complete works of Ratliff into her head. Dan: No, she's trying not to think about Soldier. Tsuneo: [Asuka] The meters... Those horrible parking meters! > "Asuka!" Lisa called out, heading for Unit 02's position. Rick: Does this mean Lisa's gonna get her brain reduced to mush as well? > Rei > dashed over to her previous position and took up the rifle, firing at > the angel to no effect. It's AT field was too strong. Dan: Damn that Aura of Smooth. Damn it. > AAsuka shrieked out loud, screaming "get out of my head!" Rick: You hear me Lisa, go away! > Images of > nher childhood and her mother flqashed through her head, making her > remember the pain. Then sudeenly it was blocked out. There was a > feeling of peace and contentment, and Lisa's voice in her mind. Rebecca: And she went straight back to pain. > "You're safe," she siad, "I'm going to save you." All: [Disgusted] Naturally. > Unit 04 had grabbed unit 02 from behind Dan: [Asuka] Er... Lisa? You don't need to grab my EVA *there.* > and quickly puleld it out of the beam. Once the > pressure was off her mind, Asuka collapsed, sobiing to the ground. > Lisa stood her EVa in the beam, Rebecca: Frying her pathetic little brain for no appreciable benefit and leaving her a drooling, helpless and pathetic vegetable for the rest of her pathetic, pitiful existence. The end. Dan: Normally, I'd complain. > her psychograph not responding on NERV's screens. Tsuneo: That proves it! Her head really *is* hollow! > "What's she doing?" Misato cried out. It's going to affect her too." Rick: Really? I thought that was the plan. > "We can't get a reading," Maya responded. "We've lost all contact with > the pilot." Tsuneo: [Gendo] Oh dear, what a shame. Rebecca: [Misato] So, what's on RAW? > "Abort the operation. Pull Unit 04 out of there, Gendo ordereed. > "No response," the long-haired operator resp[onded. Tsuneo: Wow. Obviously Aoba has a lot of fans. > Unit 04's completely cut off. Dan: She should've paid her phone bill on time. > Out on the battlefield, an enourmous glow formed aroun unit 04. > Everyone stopped to watch it as a pair of huge, ghostly wings spprung > from it's back. Dan: Ooh... Purty. > it stretched its arms out towards the angel and the > beam striking it began to narrow. Tsuneo: Hello! Insert subplot with Lance of Longinius here! Not like it's important or anything... > "It's opened a path through it's AT > field!" Lisa called out. "i can use that!" Rebecca: Not that anyone would hear it, if she's cut off... > An enourmious blast of energy was loosed from unit 04's hands and > travveled up the beam to the angel. It passed straight through the AT > field and annhialated the Angel in a massive explosion. Dan: Can EVAs normally do that? Tsuneo: Do you really need to ask? > Unit 04 collapsed to the ground as everyone stared on in shock. Rebecca: You wuss. No stamina at all. > ***** > That night, Lisa was curled up on the bed in her sparse apartment. The > door opened slently and Rei stepped in, now in her sunderes. Tsuneo: Her... um... help? Rebecca: She's wearing a big Kurita Omnimech? > "LKisa?" Dan: Not that anyone knows who that is. > she siad quirety. "Lisa?" she repeated when there wasn't any response. Rebecca: She's dead. Boo hoo. > "I'm sorry," Lisa said Rebecca: Now she's turning into Shinji. > as she straightened up and truned to Asuka. Rick: I thought it was Rei! Tsuneo: Hey... yeah! > She > was lying in her school uniform, eyrs red from crying. "What is iot?' Tsuneo: [Asuka] Hey! It's my turn to mope! > "Thanks..." said Asuka nervously. "Thansk for saving me. You blocked > out the angel and destroyed it." Asuka sat on the bed next to her. > "I couldn't do antything else. The angel had to be destroyed and you > were in trouble." > "Sorry... about earlier. being crwnky anfd all." Asuka said. Dan: This is so much not Asuka. > "It's alright." Lisa replied, smiling for a second. > Asuka sat still, and then nervously said "You know, for a secnd in > that beam? I thought I felt your mind." > "You di," she replied. Rebecca: And Lisa felt a little bit more. > "The beam merged our minds for a second. I > know all about you noiw, Asuka." Tsuneo: And you still like her? > "Huh?" Asuka shied away for a second. Rebecca: [Asuka] So she knows about the cucumbers? > "Your pain is part of me, now. You can share it. Dan: Hey, is this EVA or a bad day with Deanna Troi? Rick: There are good days with Deanna? Dan: Only when she's wearing her red outfit. > And i know something else," she said with a slight smile. Rebecca: [Asuka] She knows! She knows! Tsuneo: I wouldn't go there if I were you. Rebecca: Looks like the fic's gonna. > "Wh... wehat's that?" Asuka said, blushing. Tsuneo: That Soilent Green is made from people. > "I know whay you hater those boys... Rick: Because they're dickheads. > and that you weren't really interested in Kaji." Dan: Nah, she was just obsessively fawning all over him for the fun of it. What is she, blind? Rebecca: No, SI. Dan: [Shrugs] Same thing. > She placed her hand on Asuka's thigh. "I know > what you really think of me." She touched Asuka's chest treouhg her > dress. Rebecca: Hit her, Asuka! Tombstone her! Get her with a mandible claw! Rick: Or at least an interfering with a minor charge. Tsuneo: It's Japan. She can get away with it. Rick: Oh yeah. You people are sick. Tsuneo: Hey! Dan: Damn. I wish I had an aura of smooth like that. > "I... you're right." Asuka said sheepishly. "You feel the same?" she > turned tpo face Lisa. Rebecca: Why does Goldust suddenly come to mind? Dan: I wonder if that works. [Dan reaches over and places a hand on Rebecca's leg. Rebecca yanks him over and shoves her artificial hand - mandible claw style, down Dan's throat. Dan struggles and manages to pull away, gasping.] Rick: You've been practicing, haven't you? Rebecca: Nope. Spur of the moment. Dan: Sorry! Just testing. Rebecca: Give me a good reason not to chokeslam you. Rick: Nah, wait till he next mucks up. Dan: Gee, thanks. [He resumes his place.] > "Uh-huh." Lisa responed, then kissed her. And more. Dan: Uh... Uh... Hello, floor. [He falls off the couch, face-first into the floor.] Rebecca: Allright! That's it! And I thought that Issei was sick! But this... Just walking in, touching her up and dragging her into the sack like that! Not even bothering to ask that question or anything... Rick: Sort of like Issei. Rebecca: Excactly. Tsuneo: And as if Auska would be... Rebecca Exactly! That's my point! The goddam avatar just walks up, does the Aura Of Smooth and that's it! Aaak! The worst thing is that it reminds me of a girl I used to know in high school. Rick: How? Rebecca: She spent a whole term following me around, trying to get me to come out. Tsuneo: So what happened? Rebecca: I eventually snapped and told her on no uncertain terms exactly where my preferences were and what she could go do with herself. Rick: But then? Rebecca: She gave me the full lecture on the evils of my preferences, my skin colour, my political and ideological beliefs and my dietary habits. Then I broke her nose. Tsuneo: Score one Rebecca. Rick: Wow. That makes me the incarnation of all that is evil in the world. Rebecca: About right, yeah. Tsuneo: I suppose we'd better wake up Dan and get on with it. Rick: Really? I prefer it with him out. Dan: Thanks a lot. [Climbs back onto the couch.] > To be cont. Tsuneo: Whether we like it or not. > Fate of the Children > By Tsunami (5th) > Episode 23: Tears for everyone > Lisa turned and looked beside her. Asuka was sleeping peacefully, a faint > smile on her face. Tsuneo: She was having the dream about the chainsaw again. > Lisa smiekld too; Dan: [Points at screen] Whatever she's on, I want some! Rick: [Motherly] Lisa, have you been smiekling again? Rebecca: [Lisa] No, mum. > it was good to see Asuka happy. Tsuneo: That meant she wasn't trying to kill someone. Rick: Or had just killed someone. Tsuneo: Point. > It > may not last, she thought with a frown. Hurredly, she slipped away and > into her small living room. Now let's see... Tsuneo: Hang on. Presumably this means that she lives alone, even though she came here with her family. And that Asuka's moved in, or something like that. Rebecca: Maybe she should take steps to make sure no-one looks in the freezer. Dan: [shivers] That was a bit excessive. Rick: Nah, the evil John Saxon type guy just got them all. Tsuneo: Yeah, I thought I said no more "Cave Dwellers" refs. Rick: Yeah, you did. So? > She picked up a phone cable and felt it through her mind. Dan: Try it with your hand, that's what it's there for. > It lead into a massive web in the city, connected to the rest of the world. Rebecca: Loading. Please wait. > But she looked downwards. Yes, it connexcted to the geofront. Rick: Oops! Geocities cannot find that geofront. > Moving along that > line, she entered the geofront's onwn web of communications lines. Tsuneo: 404: File not found. > Somewhere... yes, Maya's trerminal. From there she directly accessed the > Magi. Dan: So much for security. Rebecca: Hey, maybe she also met Optimus Prime sneaking around in there. > There has to be something left, she thought. Some remnant of an angel or > something. She had to make contact, she had to find soemthing out. Then she > sensed something else. the 11th angel, living as one with the system. Rick: Liliel has entered the chat room. Tsuneo: Um... hang on here. Despite the fact that the 11th angel is now an indistinguishable part of the magi, so she wouldn't be able to find it anyway, Gendo completely denied its existence. How would she know what to look for? Rebecca: She's an avatar. She knows everything. Tsuneo: Betcha she's even heard of the Thrashing Gonberts. Rick: Is that a third member of the Headbangers? Rebecca: I'll explain some day. Dan: Don't forget that she's contrived herself powers to access any computer system at all without being detected, regardless of its security. Tsuneo: Been there, seen that. > she > smiled, openerd her mind and made contact. It was a part of the magi, it > told her, as that was the only way it could live. What do you know about > the magi, she asked it. Rick: [Eccles] It's dark in here. > Everything it knows, the angel responded. Tell > me... about Rei, she told it. Dan: [Lisa] Give me her measurements. > ***** > Rei sat alone in her room, Rebecca: Yeah, that's an amazing turn of events. > pondering. Thje angels had been changing, but she knew this would happen. Tsuneo: Oh, boy. The authour's re-writing thwe way Rei thinks. I'm gonna be feeling this one for weeks. > Asuka had changed too. All: Nah! > Lisa had a good affect > on her, and made her a better pilot than herself or even Shinji. Lisa was > a very good pilot, too, and they could both manipulate what they called Tsuneo: Commas. > their AT fields. she wondered what would be next. It would be a more > powerful angel than any other... Dan: I'd say that's a pretty logical assumption. Tsuneo: I dunno. Shamshel was clearly weaker than Sachiel, as with Sandalphon and Ghagiel. Rebecca: [Whacks him with a cushion] Oh, please! Spare us the lecture! Tsuneo: Sorry. But hey, they'll have no problems with Armisael. [Bitterly] After all, they've still got the lance of Longinius. > Then she felt a presence. Something in NERV. She relaxed, knowing that it > was the 11th angel, still in NERV whose mind she felt. But then she felt > another presence. Rick: By the pricking of my thumbs, something stupid this way comes. > Lisa. Lisa's mind was expanding. She reached out to feel > what her mind was like... Dan: Mushy. > And fell off her bed with the shock of discovery. Dan: Rei Ayanami breaks character for comic effect. Everyone, take a drink. > ***** > Lisa started away from the socket, dropping the phone cord, contact > immediately broken. Rick: tHat's what happens with these cheap ISPs. > So that was Rei... she had felt the presence, and > compared the feel of Rei's mind to the feel of the engel. Rebecca: That sounds sooo dodgy... > Rei couldn't be... Tsuneo: Why not? > "G'morning," Asuka said sleepily, emerging from their bedroom. Rick: Ugh. The horrible embarrassment of morning face. > "Whatcha doing?" Dan: [Lisa] Hacking into NERV. Wanna join me? > "huh? oh, I thought I heard something," she replied, standing. Rick: Yeah, she's really gonna fall for that. Tsuneo: It's the sound of the plot congealing. > "It's too early to be up," Asuka said. "Come back to bed, okay?" she said, > loosely wrappiung her arms around Lisa's shoulders. Rebecca: Please tell em she's doing a chokehold. Please? Tsuneo: You've been watching the wrestling way too much. Rebecca: Can I help it if I like the idea of Kane reducing this girl to a mushy pulp? Dan & Rick: Hmmm... Tsuneo: Oh, forget it! > I'll worry about it later. "Yeah..." she resopneded with a smile. Dan: Insert gratuitous sex scene here. Rebecca: This is getting more like Hellstorm by the second. > ***** > The warning rang out across the city All: [Robot from Lost in Space] Warning! Warning! Aliens approaching! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! > and the four childred hurried to NERV. Tsuneo: And unlike Issei, they took public transport. > Once in the changing rooms, Dan: Lisa got a good perv in. > Rei confronted Lisa as Asuka dashed out. "I felt > your mind," Rei said, narrowing her eyes. Tsuneo: [Rei] It took me hours to find it. > "And I yours. What are you?" Lisa said. Rick: [Rei] I am the terror that flaps in the night! > Rei lashed out, striking Lisa across the face and knocking her down. All: Woo-hoo! Tsuneo: Good shot, madam! > Stay away from me," she sayed, Rick: And here you can clearly se the influence of Hellstorm. > the anger clear in her voice. Tsuneo: Well, I'll forgive her this time. Dan: You know, Rei probably enjoyed filming that scene for stress relief value. > "I am nothing like you." Tsuneo: And I am so thankful for that. > Rie left, leaving Lisa to ponder what had just happened. Rick: Simple. Rei's twisted clone Rie had left the room. Dan: Is it just me, or is Rei being set up as the bad guy here? Rebecca: Sounds about right. The author takes a character they don't like and grossly mischaracterises them to make them appear much worse than they are. Case in point: Ritsuko in NXE. Dan: Or Mamoru in More Than Meets the Eye. > ***** > The four EVAs deployed around the angel, a huge ring hovering in the sky. > "What is it?" Asuka pondered. Dan: The mother of all donuts. Rick: The swirly thing of doom. > "It looks like DNA, but DNA doesn't join itself like that," Lisa said. Tsuneo: Nor is it white, glowing and hanging in mid-air. > "The angel can change forms," Rei said. be carefull." Rebecca: Well thank you for that, Miss exposition, but how in blazes did you know that? > "How does wonder girl know that?" Asuka needled. Rebecca: Yeah... what she said. > "Logical assumption," Lisa responded. Irt's not much of a threat like this. Rick: And you're just going to assume an angel's abilities? Tsuneo: Like they did with Uriel? Dan: You know, you let a line of dialogue with absolutely no quotation marks go by unmolested. Tsuneo: I hardly care any more. > The angel then proved Rei right by condensing into a solid circle, then > breaking into a long snake-like cord. One end immediately dashed at Rei > while the other swang wildly, knocking away unit 1 & 2 like dolls. Rick: [Shinji] Well, there goes my contribution to this chapter. Rebecca: That seems to happen to him a lot around here. > It plunged it's head into Unit 00's chest, Rick: [Singing] Headbanging! Head-headbanging! Dan: Burns 150 calories an hour. Tsuneo: You've been waiting for an opportunity to say that, haven't you? Rebecca: [Breaks up laughing] Tsuneo: What's up? Rebecca: Read that last line again. [They pause to re-read it.] Rick: Oy vey. > thrashing with the other end to keep the other EVA's away. Rick: [Armisael] Go away! It's mine, you hear me, mine! Rebecca: This is so Freudian. > Immediately it began to fuse with Rei's eva, spreading > the contamination throughout the body and limbs. The EVA writhed with Rei's > pain, dropping ther riflwe as Rei grunted with pain. Tsuneo: You think she's hurt? Rick: Nah. > Unti 04 dashed up to the angel, grabbing it neear the end in Unit 0 and > yanking hard, trying to wrench it out. Rebecca: I'm not even gonna think about that one. Dan: Lisa's jealous. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion.] > Rei screamed in agony as it begun to slip out, Tsuneo: We just want to establish once more that Rei is in pain. > then stopped asthe anfgel burrowed deeperr into her EVA. Reiu writherd > in pain int he cockpit, Tsuneo: Forget it. Forget I said anything. Rick: Hey, that's Reiu, not Rei. Tsuneo: Oh, that's different. Rick: I wonder where Rie's got to? Tsuneo: And if she's in pain too? Dan: Okay, guys, this has gone beyond stupid. > a feeling familiar to her. Then, for the second time > that day, she felt another midn. Dan: [Captain Kirk] Spock... Rebecca: My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts. > The angel was talking to her. Rick: [Armisael] Hi! How you doing? Been a while, hasn't it? Tsuneo: Man, there's so many people going through Rei's head today you'd think it was a highway. > "What are you?" she thought to it. "I am me." Rebecca: Yeah, that's right, go for the straightforward answers. > it said to her. "I want to share soemthing with you. Rebecca: [Giggles hysterically] Dan: No, that's Lisa's job around here. > You are all alone." Rick: [Commander Sinclair] In the night. > The contamination in her EVA began spreadign into ehr body, and she felt > an incredible, excruciatijng pain. Tsuneo: Just to recap- Dan: Okay, okay, thank you. Rick: Maybe it's got to do with that arrow sticking out of her chest. Rebecca: You couldn't help yourself, could you? > "This is pain," siad the angel. You know it well. Tsuneo: My god. she can't even rip off lines properly. > In her own EVA, Lisa felt Rei's pain Tsuneo: [Bangs his head on the coffee table] Dan: 150 calories an hour, Tsuneo. Tsuneo: Shut up. > and the presence in ehr mind, she had to do something. Rebecca: No, she was gonna sit there and wait for unit 00 to self-destruct. Rick: Sayyy... > Grabbing the other end of the Angel, she4 thrust it into her own EVA's torso Rebecca: Kinky. > and made contact Rick: No, no, that was Jodie Foster. No relation. > into its mind. > "All I know is pain," Rei responded to the Angel. Tsuneo: That's what starring in all these fics does to you, folks. > "Do you exist onyl to ring pain?" Rick: [Armisael] Well, its line's always tied up. > Lisa's voice was then heard in ehr mind, Rebecca: Uh-oh. It's the voices in her head again. Rick: Natasha would feel right at home here. Dan: [Mankind] Has anyone seen my mind? I think I've lost it! Tsuneo: [Kosh] I have always been here. > "Don'tr worry. You don't need pain anymore." Rebecca: That's the kind of thing people say before switching off the life support. > Rei felt her presence and immediately calmed > down. The two of them rallied their minds against the Angel. Immediately, > the contamination in their evas flowed backwards, Tsuneo: [Says something unprintable in Japanese] Rebecca: I don't speak the language, but I don't think I need to. > and the Angel withdrew > itself. "Now! Shouted Lisa. Rei and Lisa concerntrated their AT fields. > Each loosedf a huge blast All: Big ass blast! > at the angle, blowing it to piecesd. Dan: Guess she don't like geometry either. > Hyuga announced that there was no more blue patter. the angelo was gone. Rick: What, they blew up some Italian guy? Tsuneo: And so was all meaning to this episode. > ***** > In the change rooms, Asuka huried out, Dan: She doesn't want to get caught in the blast radius. > leaving Lisa and Rei alone again. > Rathger than changing, rei stared at Lisa. "You know what I am." Rick: Very marketable. [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion.] It's true! Rebecca: A figure modeller's wet dream. Dan: Not as cute as Asuka. Tsuneo: ... > "The second angel," Lisa replied. "Created by NERV, along with the EVAs, > from Adam and human DNA." Tsuneo: [Growling] I swear... I will kill this little... Dan: You sounded just like Ren Hoek there. > "So what are you?" Rei asked, as deadpan as ever. Rebecca: Self-insertion hell. > "I am pretty much your opposite. I was made from a sample of the EVAs > modified with human and pure angel DNA. Rick: Say, does that mean she gets occasional irresistible urges to rip her own head off? Dan: Anyone get the feeling she's making this up as she goes along? > You're more humna, but I'm more angel." > "So will you be our enemy?" Rei asked. Tsuneo: [Darkly] She's OUR enemy. Rick: He's scaring me. > "I don't have to be. I was created to pilot unit 04." Dan: But you said you came here... Oh, forget it. > "We are more alike than you think." Rei said. [All stare darkly at the screen.] Rebecca: Urge to kill... rising... > "What you said earlier..." Rei wqas silent "about pain." > "I know no joy, no sorrow, no anger, no love. Only pain." Tsuneo: Hello? Gendo? Shinji? Does the name "Yui Ikari" mean anything to you? Thought not... Why me? > "Nothing else?" > "Nothing." Rebecca: [Rei] except for that hunky Jon guy... Tsuneo: About now, I'd prefer him. Rebecca: About now, I'd like to see Jon kick the door down, run in, brain Lisa on a locker, sweep Rei off her feet and run off into the night. Dan: [Sarcastically] You're just a born romantic. > "Here." Lisa took her hand and pressed the wrist button on Rei's plugsuit. > It loosened, then slipped off Rei's body. Lisa did the samee with hers, > thaen they stood facing weach other. "Let me show you something oither than > pain, " she said as she leaned towards Rei. Tsuneo: Well there goes any resemblance to the Rei Ayanami that I knew. [He falls off the couch, face-first into the floor.] Rick: Check please. [He falls off the couch, face-first into the floor.] Rebecca: I'm with you. [She falls off the couch, face-first into the floor.] Dan: Hello floor. Again [He falls off the couch, and plants his face - hard - on the coffe table]. Ow. Voice: OK guys. Get up. It's allmost over, you know. [Long pause] Voice: Guys? [Pause] Voice: This isn't funny any more. [Pause] Voice: Whoops. [Pause] Voice: You know, this may just be it. I could have won. [Rebecca's gun slides out of her forearm. She puts a shot straight through the computer's screen] Voice: Nope. They're still there. Get up. It's almost over. Rick: Do we have to? Voice: Yes. Tsuneo: I like my current seat. Voice: Now, please? Dan: Allright. [The resume their seats. Dan has a nosebleed.] > ***** > Shinji stood outside the change room, waiting. "When are they gonna be > finished?" he wondered to himself. Rick: Shinji, get a clue. Dan: [Shinji] Hey, I got a line! Tsuneo: [Shinji] I'm still the hero of this crummy show. > then he heard a giggle from inside that sounded like Rei's voice. Tsueno: I... I didn't need that. Really. Rebecca: [Rei] Oh! So it hurts when I do that, does it? [Laughs maniacally.] > To be cont. > Authour's notes: Here comes the final chapter! With Lisa's secret revealed, > there is only the final angel to deal with. Be ready! Dan: Well, let's see her f*** this one up. Rick: That could have been phrased better. Tsuneo: Oh gods, at this rate she's gonna get Kaoru to sleep with her. Rebecca: Is it time to say something incredibly crude, mean and disgusting about Kaoru's gender? Tsuneo: Don't go there. > Fate of the Children > By Tsunami (5th) > Episode 24: Heaven's Gate Rebecca: That's about the worst taste title I've ever seen. > Asuka and Lisa stood on the roof ofg Lisa's apartment building,m watching as > the huge plane flew in overhead. Dan: Oh look. It's Ator on his stupid hang-glider. > Tuckesd underneath it was an enourmous white > figure, the 5th EVAS. Rick: they must really be straining that plane. > Lisa said "wow, ti's huge!" "No better thean ours," > Asuka replied "And it's head looks stupid." "Kinda like a sockl," Rebecca: It's Mr Socko! Rick: Probe would be proud. Dan: Ultra Mega Mega obscure. > lisa replied, > and the both laughed. Then Lisa kissed asuka on the cheek and they wentr boac > to her apartment. Rebecca: In yet another scene straight from Hellstorm. Tsuneo: Even down to the typing. > ***** > Asuka and Lisa walked down the road in silence, heading for NERV. Asuka > finally sp0okje up. Tsuneo: I'm surprised anyone could do that, actually. > "Lisa?" "Yeah?" "Why'd you do that?" "hUh?" "You know, > with Rei." Asuka stopped, looking mad at her. Rick: You know, allowing for the fact that Auska's a lesbian in this fic, and Rei's also a dyke in this fic, shouldn't she be pulverising Lisa for boffing Rei on the side? Tsuneo: A valid point. Rick: So of course it has no relevance here. Dan: Man. Auska's double OOC. > It's not fair of you!" "I'm > sorry," Lisa said, head haung low, "but Rei's life was so empty. sihe > needed something to live for." "Makes sense," Asuka said. "That's why > she's being nice to me." Dan: And you just buy that? Even *if* I tried an excuse that lame, I'd get socked into next Thursday! Rebecca: Talking from personal experience here? Dan: Shut up. > Then Rei walked up behind the two of them. "Hello," she said, quiretly. "Yeah, > that is odd," Lisa whispered to Asuka. Tsuneo: You're telling me? > "Hi there, Rei." asuka said, glumly. > "I was wondering if you were doing anything after the tests today?" Rei said, Rebecca: [Asuka] Just slashing my wrists. > quietly. "No, no plans." Lisa responded. "Maybe we could go for a burger > together?" Rei asked, smiling. Tsuneo: Never mind that Rei's a vegetarian. [Pause] Or straight for that matter. And in love with Shinji. And cold and emotionless. And suspicious of most people. [Pause] Heck, come to think of it, this is about the least of the evils in this story. > "Yeah!" Lisa said. "Whaddya think, Asuka?" "Ah... Okay. Sounds cool." Dan: [Asuka] Never mind I hate her guts and everything. Rick: Ah, the SI thinks it's a good idea, so everyone's got to agree. > The theree of them then walked to NERV together. > ***** > The five childeren stared in awe atht he Tsuneo: I'm staring in awe at the typing, myself. > new white EVA in the launch bay. > It was slightly bigger than the others, and looked really wierd. Tsuneo: Say anything about socks and you die. Rick: You thought that was weird, you should see the pilot. He's wearing this leather strap on his face. Tsuneo: ... > "Hey, at > lastr I've got something to pilot!" Toji said. "Get real," Asuka yelled. > "They wouldn't let you drive something thatr good." Dan: You know, Tsunami, there's this little thing called the paragraph. Maybe you've heard of it? > "I wouldn't mind > either," Rei said. "My god, she talks!" Toji yelled. "Very funny," said > Lisa. Stop being such a jerk! Rei's a lot different now." All: We noticed. > "REally?" "Do I have to act like you expect?" Rei said, annoyed. Tsuneo: Well, there's this little thing called being in character... Rebecca: Oh that's right. A woman spends one night with another woman and miraculously all her personal problems are solved. Rick: Bitter? Rebecca: Two years of a high school reading curriculum that was all about proving that point. Rick: Yow. Rebecca: Sometimes I think that they had better ideas in the middle ages where arty farties were burned alive. Dan: It's not just ridiculous, it's stupid. I think it'd just add to Rei's problems. Blackarachnia: [Over speakers] You know, if this wasn't a same-sex SI, I'd swear it was a Star Ruby fic. Voice: I've gotta get that thing fixed. > "Er... no..." Toji replied, sweating. Dan: [Shinji] Do I get a line here? Just wondering. > ***** > The five left the test chambers. "Well done," said Ritsuko. All of you > have improved, but Asuka'sd doing the best of all. Rebecca: I don't believe it. She's allowed to outclass the uberkid. > You've shot up ten > points in the last week." "Yeah! told you I was the best!" Asuka gloated. Tsuneo: At least she's back to her usual self... Or at Least, her usual self twelve episodes ago. > "Better listen to hger," Lisa said. "She'll put you out of a job." Lisa > and Asuka laughed, and Rei let out a slight giggle. Toji and Shinjni > looked upset. Rick: [Toji] Hey, at least we get to do something. > "Alreight, everyone out. Not you," Ritsuko said, pointing at Lisa. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] You've got an appointment with Mr. Chainsaw. > We need a few extra testst from Lisa." "Sorruy about that burger, > guys." She said, waving goiodbye to Rei and Asuka. "We won't wait up for > you." Rei said, and winked. All: Gah! Dan: [Cave Grunge] Ugh. Hot two-girl action. Rebecca: That does it. [Rebecca stands up and grabs Dan by the throat with her artificial arm. She lifts him into the air, then slams him to the ground *through* the coffee table.] Dan: Owie. Voice: Another table. [Sighs] Rebecca: I warned you. Rick: She did. Dan: Well thanks for the support. [They resume their seats.] > Shinji and Toji looked shocked as the two girls left, smiling. > ***** > Ritsuko was examining Lisa as she sat, asking about her health and such. Dan: You know. Stuff. > Lisa noticed someone else was going into the test chamber; Tsuneo: Enter Kaoru to save the fic. Rebecca: You like him, don't you? Tsuneo: Hey, he was a cool character. Rick: Not to mention he'd fit in perfectly here. > a beautiful > girl with grey hair and really poale skin who was wearing a blue and > blakc plugsuit. Tsuneo: [Stares in shock at the screen] Rick: Whoops. Dan: This is really gonna hurt. Rebecca: And enter our love interest for this chapter. > Ritsuko noticed her attention and said "Oh, yhat's the new pilot." Rick: [Ritsuko] Never mind briefings or anything, just thought I'd let it surprise you. > "When did she arrive?" "Just today, in unit 05." "So she's > going to be piloting it?" "Yep. She spent the whole trip in it's plug, > practising synchronisation." Tsuneo: Without power, even. > Lisa looked at the displays and readouts > of the new pilot's test. "Wow, she's really good," she said, awed. "She's > almost matched your rate," Ritsuko added. Rebecca: Huh. What kind of an uberkid are you? Tsuneo: It's sad to say, but I think DJ is the most normal EVA SI we've had so far. > "I must be slipping. But she's > really impressive." "Thank you," the girl said over the radio link to > the plug. She s,miled and opened her eyes: they were red. Dan: [Bored] Dah-dah-dum. What a shocking developement that was. > ***** > Lisa and the new girl were changing. Rick: Gee, I wonder where this is going. > "So, what's your name?" she asked. > "Jo," she said. "Nice and short." Lisa said. "And you're lisa. You're > very famous where I come from." Tsueno: [Laughs hysterically] Rick: [Jo] Hell. Wanna visit some time? > "Oh? Wow." "you don't realise howe important you are to so many people." Rebecca: [Jo] There's going to be several dozen of you in this years Mardi Gras. Tsuneo: You know, these lines actually *work* when they're being applied to Shinji. > "Wow, I'm flattered," she siad > blushing. Jo was changing, and she couldn't help but notice how > beautiful she was. Dan: [Cave Grunge] Me see London, me see France! > Jo smiled as she blushed. "Don't feel threatened," > she said. "Huh?" Lisa said. "You're jealous. Don't be; it's not worthy > of you." "Thank you," Lisa said, blushing some more. Rebecca: [Jo] I SAID DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! [Makes thumping noises] > "May I ask you > something?" "Yes." Lisa said. "Do you like any of those other pilots?" Rick: With a little sauce, yes. Dan: Or sometimes whipped cream. [Grins broadly. Rebecca casually whacks him with a cushion.] Rebecca: Bad boy. > "Yes, I really like Asuka and Rei. The two men are real jerks." Jo > "Hmmed" for a bit, then said "I'll like Asuka and Rei too." "You're > wierd," Lisa said. All: [Break out laughing] Dan: Ooh... This is too much! Tsuneo: I love it! It's so funny! Rebecca: And this is from the girl who likes Asuka! "Me? You're the one who's still in her plugsuit." Rick: She classifies it as evening wear. > ***** > Jo and Lisa went out to the burger place Asuka and Rei were heading > for. Lisa sdaw Rei and Asuka leaving together, Rebecca: Face it Lisa, she doesn't like you any more. > and told Jo to wait while > she went up to them "Hi ther," she said. Asuka turned around "Oh, hi. > What took you?" Dan: [Lisa] A taxi, but that's not important right now. > "Oh, Ritsu was just being paranoid." "Who's your friedn," Tsuneo: I dunno. What about her friend? > Asuka askjed. "I'm the new pilot," Jo said approaching them. "you must > be Asuka. I"ve heard so many good things about you." Rebecca: [Jo] Measurements, for starters. > "Wow, really?" "They say you're the best." Rick: Of the best, of the best, of the proud, of the few. > Jo said, smiling. "Ritsuko was exxagerating," Tsuneo: So's the typing. Dan: Yeah, that's the sort of thing Ritsuko's wanton to do. > Lisa assured her. "My sync rate came out better, but Asuka's improving > dramatically." "So she will soon be better than you?" Lisa sweated. Tsuneo: Ah-hah! Got you! Rebecca: Why are you celebrating? She's only celebrating 'cause she slept with Lisa. Tsuneo: You take your victories where you can. > "Uh... I guess." Asuka was smiling, flattered. Lisa noticed the stern look > Rei was giving Jo and suddenly felt suspicious. > The four of them spent the afternoon having fun, going to a movie and > stuff. Rick: With Penpen of course. Tsuneo: Gah! > They stopped at a cafe afterwards. "Whereabouts do you live?" Asuka > asked jo. "I've got a small flat nearby, but it's very uncomfortable." "Shy > don't you saty with us," Lisa said. Dan: Well that makes... Huh? > "We've got lots of room." "I'd like > that. Thank you." The three girls headed for Lisa's home. Rick: Three girls? So what, Rei's left to live in her garbage dump while the rest of you go off happy? Dan: [Rei] Don't mind me. I'll just crawl off back to my hole. Don't worry about me while you have your fun. I'll remember you when I buy that shotgun. Rebecca: Actually, she's waiting to meet a kid with a goatee who specialises in getting rid of obnoxious fourteen year olds. Dan: And the black-haired girl hanging off- [Rebecca raises half the coffee table over Dan's head.] Dan: [Quickly] Nevermind. Rebecca: Good boy. [She puts down the table.] > ***** > Late that night while the other two were fast asleep, Lisa crept out and > up into her living room. Rick: [Lisa] Midnight snack time! > She crept passed Jo, sleeping on the couch and > knelt down by the phone cord. She reached her mind out, and contacted the > Angel again. Tsuneo: [Liliel] Hi! I'm sorry, but Liliel isn't in right now. but if you'd care to leave a message after the beep, I'll be right back. > she asked what the magi had on Jo. The angel replied nothinjg, > the files are blank. Dan: [Mulder] I tell you, it's a conspiracy. > Lisa was surprised, but left it and headed into the > kitchen to get a drink. Rebecca: I bet she drinks straight from the carton, too. > She felt a hand on her shoulder and Jo said do > you always get up this late?" Dan: Yeah, that one ranks up there with "My guidance systems are shot." > "Only sometimes," Lisa said, glads that > the light was so bad that Jo couldn't see her blushing as she turned > around. "You're blushing," she said. Rick: [Lisa] D'oh! > "How'd you tell?" "The heat's coming off your face. What is it." Tsuneo: An acute lack of a question mark. Dan: [Lisa] It's extra blood rushing to my face, but that's not important right now. > "Nothing," Lisa said, quietly. "I make you nervous." Jo stated. Rebecca: She's not the only one. > "Something liek that." Lisa said. It's > just amazing how alike we are, sometimes." Rebecca: Get ready. Here it comes. Dan: Maybe we'll get to see something this time. [Rebecca glares it him.] Sorry. > "We're more alike than you > think, Jo said, placing her arms arund her neck and kissing Lisa deeply./ Rick: [Bored] Okay, who here didn't see that coming. [Dead silence] Rick: Thought not. > Asuka stepepd out ofn the bedrtoom behind them Tsuneo: With a shotgun. > and saw them kissing. Dan: And promptly exploded. Rebecca: Psst, Asuka. She's cheating on you again. Do something permanent about it. Rick: I dunno, run off with Gold Dust or something. > She > stood in shock and was a bout to say soemthing, but thought otherwise. > "I'll let them," she thought, "amd maybe I'll get a turn." Dan: Yow. This has got to be about the worst taste moment in this entire fic. > ***** > "This world broguht me more than I could ahve hoped for." Jo said to her > EVA, Rick: Oh great, now she's talking to socko. Call the looney bin. > remebering having Lisa with her. "It is a pity we must end it. I can > delay no longer." She stepped off the catwqalk Rebecca: And plunged to her death. The end. Rick: So what's on RAW? Tsuneo: Something better than this. Surprisingly. Dan: Actually, it would be better if she stepped off a catwalk, but never mind. > and floated in mid-air. Dan: Higer than a hippie on the third day of an open-air festival. > "Come, my sister! We go to our destiny!" > Hyuga screamed out ana alarm as the magi detected a blue signal in the > complex. Rick: And strangely enough, the "Ode to Joy" came over all the speakers. > All of the EVAs were deployed, and moved to inercept Jo sand Unit > 5 as they descended. Tsuneo: Notice how we brush over every scene that might involve other NERV personnel. Dan: Has anyone seen Misato in the past two chapters? Just wondering. > It came to a rest on a lower level with Jo hanging in > fronmt of it, and the four other EVAs facing her. "Why?" Lisa asked. "Why > are you doing this?" Rebecca: [Jo] Because then the world will end, and so will you! > "I have no choice. I am the last angel, and if I fail, > we all shall. Although I do not want it, my success will end in your > destruction." "Attack them!" Gendo commanded/. Dan: Actually getting a line for this chapter. Rick: Treasure it, Gendo. > It's your enemy!" "I can't" > Asuka yelled. she's my friedn. Shinji ran forwards, knife out, but the > zombie of unit 03 ripped throught he ground Rick: Resident Evangelion! Tsuneo: This is where it gets officially stupid. Rick: You mean it wasn't before? Tsuneo: No, I mean really, really stupid. > and got in his way. "Go, my > sister. I must continue," Jo commanded as she floated further downwards. > EVA-05 sparang forwards and grabbed Unit 02 and 04. Huge wings appeared > on tis backa nd it blasted throught the roof of the pyramid, droppoing > them into the Geofront. Unit 03 beat up oin 0 and 1 as Jo kept descending. Tsuneo: It sounds pretty dire to say this, but in one paragraph the typing and story have both degraded to the point of sheer stupidity. > Up inthe geofront, thew winged EVA swooed All: Swooo! Rebecca: What does that mean? Rick: No idea. Maybe it's just a smooth EVA. > down on the tewo on the grond, Dan: So it smacked them down onto a huge, four-armed monster? Rick: If anyone other than Mike Surbrook gets that, do tell. > swatting at them and kicking them as it flew down. Asuka yelled "How can > we fight it?" All: [Obi-Wan Kenobi] Use the force, Luke! > "Concentrate your AT field!" Lisa yelled back. A pair of > large ghostly wings sprang from the back of the EVA and it flew up to fight > unit 05. Asuka concentrated and her EVA did the same. Rebecca: Of course, the uberkid has a solution to every problem. > The two EVAs wrestled with it in mid air, Tsuneo: Okay, let's see the WWF do *that.* Rebecca: Give Vinnie Mac half a chance. > then unit 04 finally grabbed one of its wings and tore > it off, sending it plunging to the ground. the two of them landed and > proceeded to pund the EVa, Rick: [Announcer] Now they're both in the ring and all over unit 05! The crowd's going wild! > but it threw them off and started blasting at > them with its own AT field. Itr hit Unit 02 really badly, smashing apart > its shoulder and wrenchign an arm off. Lisa concentrated over the pain Dan: Yeah, that's nice, but what about poor Asuka? She just lost her EVA's arm. > of the hits she was takeing and focused her own AT field into an > enourmous blast of white light that engulfed the EVA. Unit 05 screeched > and disintegrared. Dan: SUPER FINISHING ATTACK! > Unit 04 ran over to check on unit 02. Tsuneo: That's nice, but what about the pilots? > Asuka was alive, but unconcuious. Rebecca: Thus leaving the uberkid to save the world! All: [Bored] Yay. > Hyuga reported that 0 and 1 were losing, Rebecca: I suppose Shinji got tossed around like a doll again. Dan: You know, I just thought of something. Unit 03 lost an arm, a huge chunk of its back and got its neck slashed, so I don't see it in much condition to be fighting, especially at 2 to 1 odds. Rick: And it's beginning to smell. > and that Jo had reached the vault of heaven. Rick: Come on, Hyuga, push the button. You know you want to. > Cursing under her breath, Lisa vanished from her entry plug. Tsuneo: And suddenly her sync rate jumped to 500%. Rebecca: You kidding? She didn't like that episode, so it can't have any bearing on the fic. > She > reappeared in the vault, floating in mid-air jsut behind Jo who was reacing > out to touch Adam, nailed to the cross. Rick: Uh... Tsuneo: [Yelling] Lillith! Lillith, for crying out loud! By now she *must* have noticed it's not Adam! Rebecca: Oh, dear. [Administers a cushion to Tsuneo's head.] Tsuneo: Thanks... I think. > "Stop!" Lisa yelled out. "I have > to, I have no choice." "I"ll have to stop you regardless," Lisa said. "Then > come," Jo said. "Save mankind form me." Rebecca: You know, he'd really improve this fic right now. Rick: He could leap in with a chair and whack Lisa and Jo. > The two of them flew away from adam > circling each other in mid-air. "i am impressed to see you use the wall of > your soul like that." Jo said. "I have taught humans how to, as well." > "Then there is still hope for them." Tsuneo: No, hang on. Am I to believe that she caught all the dialogue in the last episode *except* for the all-important fact of just who's nailed to the cross? Rick: That's a bit of a screw-up, don't you think? Tsuneo: That's putting it mildly. > Jo suddenly started firing off blasts at Lisa who had to frantically dodge > them. Dan: Man, she's really impressing us with her fighting abilities. > She started firing back and what blasts weren't cancelled in mid air > Jo dodged or deflected with her own AT field. Rick: [Bored] This fight is so intense. > Changing tactics, Lisa flew > straight ahead, concentrating her AT field into her hands and slamming > into Jo, saednign ehr flying agains a massive rcok pillar. Rebecca: Who left that there? Rick: [Thong] Psst, over here. Behind this rinorium corum. > She swooped > down, again pounding at Jo until she was thrown back. This time Jo let > out a huge blast that smashed down her aT field. The second one hit her > square on and sent her hurtling back into a different pillar. Dan: I love the interior decoration in here. Tsuneo: So what are the battleships doing, just sitting there? Rick: Are you kidding? the crews are placing bets. > Jo formed > energy around her hands and rained it down on Lisa, hurting her even more. Tsuneo: This is so much not EVA. Dan: Since when did this become Dragon Ball Z? > Then she formed an intense ball in her hand and charged down at Lisa, > planning to kill her with theis strike. Rebecca: You'd hope so. > Lisa barely recovered in time to > make a long blade in her hand as Jo approached She yelled "Forgive me! All: No! > as she trhust it out and impaled Jo through the stomach. Dan: She's gonna be feeling that one in the morning. > Jo coughed up some blood and gazed into Lisa's eyes. Rebecca [Jo]: How can you use my intestines as a gift? Rick [Jo]: The bullets inside me are so hot, why do I feel so cold? Dan [Jo]: You always use violence. I should have ordered glutinous rice chicken. Tsuneo [Jo]: I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. > "Don't regret it. Rick: [Evil John Saxon type guy] Give... my moustache... to Trevor. > I'm glad to have met you..." Her eyes closed and she > slumped down dead on her friend. Rebecca: Care to engage in a bit of light necrophilia? Dan: That's disgusting even for you. Rebecca: Sorry. I don't know what came over me. > Lisa puleld herself away and faced Adam. Tsuneo: [Coughs, sounding like "Lillith."] > "you are the cause of it all. Let there be no more suffering!" She fired > off an enourmous blast that consumed the 1st angel, Tsuneo: Yup, looks like she completely missed the most important point of that entire episode. And trust me, there are a lot of them. > utterly disintegrating > it. Exhausted, she fainted and collapsed to the ground. All: Wimp. > ***** > Lisa awoke in the NERV hospital bed with Asuka sitting next to her. "Are you > alright?" Asuka asked. "I will be," Lisa said. Rebecca: [Asuka] Pity. Rick: [Asuka] This is probably a bad time, but I'm leaving you for Rei. > "They told me about Jo. I'm > so sorry," Asuka said, beginning to cry. "I'll miss her too," Lisa said, > also starting to cry. Asuka leaned forwards and hugged her love, sobbing > heavily. "There, there." LKisa said. "It's over. Now and forever, it's over." Tsuneo: You know, this really, *really* screws up Death, Rebirth and the End of Evangelion. Rebecca: You know, I can see the scene from the Lisa version of End. There's Asuka and Lisa in their EVAs, facing off against the swarms of unit 05s - Shinji having been conveniently disposed of. But anyway, Asuka says "Lisa, there's something I really want you to know." [Pause] "I'll never forget you!" then she pegs unit 04 into the middle of them. Tsuneo: It'd serve her right, and be perfectly IC for Asuka anyway. > THE END Rick: A Torgo production of a Torgo film. > Authour's notes: Yeah, a kind of sad, kind of happy ending, Rebecca: But mostly really, really, really sad. > but with a way better fight than in episode 24. Tsuneo: I can't help but think that she really, utterly and totally missed the point of EVA. > Lisa had to kill her love, but she saved the world. See y'all next time! Rebecca: No you won't. [She gets up and walks over to the TV, pulling out a huge pistol. She unloads the clip into the TV at point-blank range, shot in slow motion from a number of different angles in a very John Woo way.] Tsuneo: Wasn't that a bit excessive? Rebecca: What, you mean you haven't ever wanted to just haul off and unload ten or fifteen rounds into some poor schmuck's TV set at point blank range? Dan: I'm not arguing. Rick: Seems perfectly reasonable to me. Voice: Now... Tsuneo: Me first. Quite frankly: It was terrible. The kid shows up, dominates everything and re-writes the entire show. In fact, that's what got me the most. Simply put, the way the authour ignored the themes of Evangelion and especially the individual episodes and re-wrote them to let herself show off. Dan: I thought it was pretty poor too, and rather far-fetched. I mean, as if Asuka's just gonna be so nice to a complete stranger and all. Plus the way she seduced them was ludicrous. I mean, even *I* can't manage that. Rebecca: That was the biggest heap of hippy left-wing bull**** that I've ever been forced to read! It is clearly obvious that the writer of that fic just had some sad political agenda to force on us, and could get away with it by masquerading it as a work of fiction that someone might casually read. Rick: Or she's just the lesbian equivalent of Ben Hutchins. Rebecca: Point. Rick: Well... Putting aside the obvious problem, and everything else that my... Associates have ranted on about. [He inches away from Rebecca] It was also pretty appalingly written. I mean, besides the terrible typing and atrocious grammar and spelling, there was the blatant disregard for such minor things as, oh say paragraphs and sentance structure. All in all, just a pain to read in every concievable way. Voice: Well, thanks guys. I'll post a huge "Don't touch" all over it. Rebecca: [Muttered] Yeah, right. Dan: Well... Rick: Hey, Dan. Dan: Yeah? Rick: How about we all go back to your universe and go hunting for Dwombats? Tsuneo: That sounds like fun. Rebecca: I'll get my bazooka. [They get up and file out, bragging about the number of kills they'll get.] [The screen goes blank.] Voice: I think that one was a bit excessive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In case you didn't get it, Lisa Foster is the alleged actress who played Mila in "Cave Dwellers." Now you know. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Sattelite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "You're wierd," Lisa said.