Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's number 83 and Tango is back! But this time, it's not WAFF. This time, it's war. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II: The Cyclone Project is copyright Evander@McMail.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] [Dan and Rebecca enter] Rebecca: Personally, I think that he'll just make all the same mistakes he did the last time. Dan: Naww... He might be able to change. Rebecca: You watch. Hogan will remain the biggest thing. Dan: Why do you always have to think about 99? Eric did a lot of good stuff before then. [Tsuneo enters] Tsuneo: I don't see why you two are even interested in that stuff anyway. Dan: Aw come on. You see Miss Hancock and ask me that again. Rebecca: These people are idiots. [There is a loud scraping and crashing above them] Tsuneo: The voice really needs to call an exterminator. [A bit of the ceiling falls in, bringing Tango down with it] Rebecca: Good call. Tango: Hi! Hi! Dan: Er... Hi, Tango. Tango: Good morning, Mr. Flowerpot! Rebecca: Hey, why don't we give him the job? He couldn't do anything worse. Tango: What job? Rebecca: We were just discussing what we would do if we ran WCW. Dan: I said that the first thing I'd do is fire everyone over 35. Rebecca: Um... That's the entire card. Except for Three Count. Dan: No it isn't! Get serious! Tango: Okay, Three Count and El Vampiro Canado. Rebecca: You do realise that means firing Madusa? Dan: Ah, don't worry. There's plenty of plastic bits lying around. We can make another one. Tsuneo: Okay, then what? Dan: Well, next thing I do is bring back the women's title. Rebecca: [Rolls eyes] Of course. Dan: I'll make the women's belt the next Big Thing. Tsuneo: And have all the ridiculously exploitative matches? Dan: Of course. Tango: Cool. Are you going to bring back the crazy Japanese women's league? Dan: Are you kidding? they're all too flat-chested. Tsuneo: Well, they have this little thing called talent. Dan: Bah, who cares about that? Anyway, that's sure to make it big. And I'd make myself an announcer for all the women's matches. Rebecca: Yeah, big is the word. Dan: Well, what would you do? Rebecca: Let's see... I'd place as much emphasis as possible on the good, young, talented wrestlers. I'd pension off all the old wrecks... Except for Ric Flair. He's funny. Dan: Awww.. You've just got the hots for him. [Rebecca bashes him repeatedly with her artificial arm.] Owwww! Rebecca: Very funny. And I'd also shoot Mark Madden. Dan: You see? Basically, we can't agree on anything. So what would you do? Tango: If I was in charge, I'd make La Parka the biggest name. His mike skills and chair are the best! And I'd make Crowbar my personal lackey. David Flair and Daphney can tag along if they want to. Dan: But what changes would you make to the company? Tango: I'd make sure a lot more people got hurt! More concrete ring barbed wire exploding cage ladder table hardcore matches! Dan: You're weird. Tango: Thanks. Rebecca: I suppose it's not worth asking you what you'd do, huh? Tsuneo: Easy. Buy out the UFC and televise that. Tango: You win. Voice: Good morning all. Rebecca: Oh hey, it's La Parka's Magic Voice. Voice: ... Tsuneo: Say Voice, since we've got Tango here, does that mean there's another chapter of Good Liff? Dan: What, yet another round the new character beauty pageant? Tango: Do you reckon Isamu could win that? Rebecca: I don't know, I always reckon he looked like Crash Holly. Voice: Actually, no. There is no more of the Good Life. All: Hooray! Voice: For the moment. All: Aww... Voice: So I've found you a new fic called Evangelion II: The Cyclone Project. Tsuneo: Wonderful. [They sit. Dan and Tsuneo on the sideways couch, Tango on the forwards-facing couch and Rebecca on the computer chair, staying carefully away from Tango.] [The TV switches on] > Evangelion II: Cyclone Project - Prologue Tsuneo: Gee how many Evangelion II's does that make out there? Tango: I've come across no less than thirty. Rebecca: Shush, you're giving the voice ideas. > Ritsuko took a deep breath and Rebecca: Went back down on Misato. Dan: You're getting started early. Rebecca: I might as well. The fic's probably going to. > checked the folder at her side. Dan: Yup, it's a folder. For a minute there I was worried. > A moment later, she pushed through the > door to Commander Ikari's office and walked up to the desk. Commander Ikari sat > with his back facing to her. Tango: That's not Gendo, it's Dr. Claw! > " When will the real 5th child get here?" He asked suddenly. Ritsuko > hesitated a moment. Tsuneo: "Real" fifth child? Rebecca: Yes, he's being sent by floating island. Tsuneo: So is this before or after the end of the world? Just wondering. > " In 96 hours." Dan: Otherwise we get three dollars off. Tango: [Gendo] That's too long! Rebecca: [Ritsuko] We'll try to hurry it up to four days. Tango: [Gendo] Four days and no longer! > She replied calmly, even though inside she was slightly scared. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] He's doing the "thing" with his glasses again. > Commander Ikari turned to face her. Dan: Hey, he's got Mr. Bigglesworth. > " I see. What about the transport of Unit-04?" Tsuneo: What about it? Rebecca: It's going by floating island too, I see. Tango: No, it's going by Fed-Ex. We can expect it to arrive in Iceland in about eight weeks. > He asked more pleasantly. Dan: You're dead. Rebecca: You're dead. Tsuneo: You're dead. Tango: Where's the coffee? > Ritsuko sighed inwardly, and relaxed slightly. > " It will be here roughly 11 hours after the pilot arrives." She informed > him. Dan: The EVA gets a stopover in Singapore but the pilot doesn't. > " Good." Commander Ikari contemplated the information for a moment, before > continuing with the bombardment of questions. Dan: What is this, a status report or a royal enquiry? > "What about the reconstruction of Unit-03?" Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] The team reports they're all out of duct tape and brown paper. They also want to know where to get a new head from. > " Unit-03 has already been completed and the pilot has had the two missing > limbs cloned and replaced. Tango: Hello, Toji mark II! Rebecca: They're still trying to get rid of all those biofoil tattoos. Dan: Heaven help you if you get that one. > He is still under going nervous link testing." Tango: Wouldn't it be funny if they put his limbs on wrong? > " So we are ahead of schedule?" Ikari asked > " Not really." Ritsuko replied Dan: [Gendo] Well who's in charge of the project? Tango: [Ritsuko] Dr. Nick Riviera. Dan: [Gendo] That explains a lot. > " Why not?" Whatever kindness Gendo had been showing had just died and gone > to hell. Tsuneo: And this is any different to normal because? > " The Cyclone Project is lagging behind schedule." Tsuneo: [Gendo] Damn the Department of Defense. Damn them! Tango: [Ritsuko] We expect to have a prototype EVA by 2037. Dan: [Ritsuko] It would be on time if the USAF hadn't requested their own version. > " It has been lagging for the last year and a half. Why did you mention it?" > Commander Ikari asked, still lacking kindness Rebecca: [Gendo] No reason. Just felt like bringing it up. > " Well, we are finally ready to release the two from status, Tsuneo: Release them from status? You're going to fire them? Dan: They're getting their release. > but their Eva's are still in cryo-status, Tango: He's using them to keep his fish fingers cold. > and we can't revive them until the pilots are revived." Tsuneo: Any reason? Dan: Just can't. Rebecca: We need an old priest and a young priest. Tango: Problem is they're Elves, and they can't be raised. > " How long before you can release the two subjects?" Dan: First we're doing the test marketing... Tango: Hello sir? Yes, I realise it's one in the morning... I've got a few marketing questions for you. First, do you hate being called up at one in the morning by marketing guys? Hello? > Commander Ikari's kindness had returned. If you could notice it. Rebecca: Actually that was just wind. Tsuneo: There's a kindness meter hanging over his chair. > " Three days." Ritsuko replied. Dan: Weather permitting. > " And the Cyclone Model Evangelions?" Rebecca: Oh, those are the little emergency Evangelions they pack inside the regular ones. > Ritsuko handed the Commander a file Tango: [Gendo] Thanks, I've been dying to do my nails. > with the NERV logo on the top and top secret written beside it. Dan: Do you reckon it's important? > " Between 8 and 12 days." Ritsuko replied Tsuneo: Why so long? Tango: Come on, they're only using a five hundred watt microwave. > " What is this?" Commander Ikari asked. Rebecca: Don't you know? It's the Evangelion 64 play guide. > " This is the latest information on Evangelions 05C and 06C, Dan: [Ritsuko] They're big, white, look silly and we don't own them. > along with their pilots current status and other > information regarding the Cyclone Project." Tsuneo: [Gendo] Any reason why I don't know this yet? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] The authour forgot you're in charge here. Tsuneo: [Gendo] I am? I thought that was Tom's job. > Ritsuko explained. Commander Ikari nodded Dan: Off. > in approval, and opened the file. He picked out the first picture. Tango: [Gendo] Miss October! > It showed a long upright tube, filled > with LCL and a human male with > chitinous claws sprouting from the wrists. > " Claws....?" The commander asked. Dan: [Ritsuko] Yes, sir. Apparently the authour is one of the last three people left in the universe who still thinks Wolverine is "neat." > " Yes, that is Specimen A. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] We call him "Bob." > The claws are in identical positions to those of Unit-06C, Tsuneo: So now the EVA's got Wolvers too? Tango: What happens if he wants to rub his eye or scratch his arse? Dan: We break another one out of storage. > running along the lines of > the two bones in his forearms. Thankfully, the physical change of his body is Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Likely to be retconned within a couple of years. > much less noticeable than Specimen B's changes, Tango: This specimen B has got to be some kind of total freak. > especially since those claws are retractable, also like > Unit-06C's." Commander Ikari picked > out an X-ray of Specimen A's left arm. Dan: [Gendo] Didn't I authourise this? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Yes, sir. Dan: [Gendo] So why are you telling me about it? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] You didn't actually look at it, sir. Dan: [Gendo] Anything else I've authourised that I haven't been told about? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] No, and don't look at the payrolls. > " Specimen B's changes...?" He asked, putting the X-ray back and taking out > a picture of Specimen B Dan: He's turning green. > " Specimen B has grown two wings, Tsuneo: It's a generic angel-winged humanoid! Get prepared to run off the list, 'cause we can't be bothered. > identical in genetic makeup to those on Unit-05C." Commander Ikari shook > his head. Tango: Is that the same genetic makeup that determines size and weight? Rebecca: So he's carrying around a pair of EVA-sized wings? > " This will make hiding them among the other school children more > difficult." Dan: Enroll them in a public school. No-one will notice. Rebecca: I guess these two are special as well. > " But not impossible." Ritsuko added. Commander Ikari nodded in > understanding. Dan: Yeah, it's probably only a thirty point distinctive features. No biggie. > " If I may ask, why was Unit-03 cloned from it's original?" Ritsuko pressed. Tango: Because otherwise it wouldn't be unit 03. > " It was cloned from the original because it's pilot may have a better > chance of synchronization with an Eva he > has already been present in." Tsuneo: But if it's cloned, he hasn't been in it. Dan: Didn't they liquidate it? Tsuneo: What's consistency got to do with anything? > "I see....." Ritsuko said, believing absolutely nothing that he had just > said. All: You're not the only one. > Commander Ikari picked out a picture of Specimen B. Dan: [Gendo] This would look good on my wall. Tango: [Gendo] I like this one better. She's hot. > " Tell Major Katsuragi about the arrival of Unit-04 and its pilot, Rebecca: Why bother? She's only in charge. > and make sure that she informs the first four children. Dan: What, they're still actually bothering to count Toji? > I do not want a repeat of the fourth child incident." Commander Ikari ordered. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Is that the fourth child incident that you were in charge of? Tango: [Gendo] Shut up. > " What about the Cyclone Project Children and Eva's? Rebecca: Does anyone truly care about them? Didn't think so. > Shouldn't she inform them of those." Ritsuko asked, concerned. > " They will be attending school again near the same time that the fourth > child returns. Dan: Wow, you'd never guess where this is going. Tsuneo: Just a thought, but if they're meant to be engineered super soldiers or something like that, why do they need to go to school? Tango: They failed English. > Because they're > Evangelions are still in cryo-status, there will be no need. I wish for them to > keep a low profile." Rebecca: So that's the guy with the Wolvers and the other one with the huge wings, right? > " Is that possible? I mean, Tsuneo: One of them's almost certainly a nigh-omnipotent god-boy and will do anything to draw attention to himself. > M-" Ritsuko was cut short. > " Despite the trouble he causes, he will understand the military reasons for > the action, and will comply." Commander Ikari said. Tsuneo: No, he'll can carry on like a complete and total jackass, everyone will love him for it and Gendo won't get another word in edgeways. > " But-" Ritsuko tried to start another sentence, but Commander Ikari > wouldn't let her. Dan: [Dr. Evil] Alright, zip it. > " There is no need for concern, Dr. Akagi. Rebecca: [Gendo] I am completely and totally wrong and am setting myself up as the idiot of the story. > You may leave now." Tango: [Gendo] You're no longer needed. I called you here just to waste your time. Your office is being rearranged as we speak. > The last bit of that sentence was clearly an > order. Ritsuko silently left the office. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] He never respects me in the morning. > Commander Ikari sat in silence, and folded his hands over his mouth, > smiling. Dan: [Gendo] I don't get to do anything in this fic, and it's funny. > Genesis 1:01 - Phoenix Light Rebecca: Does that mean the Avatar's going to self-immolate or something? > The morning sun slowly made its way over the hills to illuminate > the city of Tokyo-03. Tango: [Sun] Er... Ugh... Goddammit, this is hard. I've gotta lay off the late nights. > Children from all > over the town began the morning grind of getting up, getting dressed, and going > to school. Dan: Except Tom, who sat around drinking beer and saying "Hell yeah." > The day of one Shinji Ikari was no different. Rebecca: One Shinji Ikari? Tango: Yeah. Haven't you heard, he comes in six-packs. > " Hey! Asuka! Wake Up!" Shinji shouted from the kitchen as he prepared > himself and his roommates breakfast. Tango: Wow. Reheated leftover thawed-out frozen fried mush. > He heard a groan from the next room. Dan: No, that's Misato's room. > Shinji sighed. Asuka was always like this at the best of times. Rebecca: You don't want to see her on a bad day. > He > sighed again and sat down to eat his breakfast. Asuka walked in a moment later > wearing a yellow dress. Tango: Up and ready in thirty seconds! Does she have a pit crew or something? > " Asuka, it's a school day." Shinji pointed out as Asuka yawned loudly. She > cursed, in German, under her > breath and walked back into the room she came from. Dan: Come on! Nobody forgets that it's a school day! Rebecca: Except you. Dan: That's different. I never went to school. Rebecca: Oh, that explains everything. > Shinji laughed to himself quietly. Tsuneo: It's funny because we're unrealistically humiliating major characters. > He stood up and picked up his school bag. Rebecca: Uh Shinji? That's the penguin. > He looked at the clock above him. ' Oh good. I still have a > while yet before school.' He thought to himself, sitting back down. Tsuneo: I see the almost obligatory dumbing-down process has started early. > Misato walked in tiredly from another room. Tango: I'd be worried if it was the same one. > Yawning loudly, she > proceeded to the fridge and grabbed the first can of beer in reach. Dan: Uh Misato? That's Pen-Pen's... Er, never mind. > Opening it, she downed half the can quickly, and whooped with delight. Rebecca: For some people, life is exciting enough. Tsuneo: I'm amazed. This scene is so generic. > Shinji laughed inwardly again. Rebecca: Shinji's laughing on the inside? Now we're really OOC. Tsuneo: ... > ' The pick me up' He thought. Rebecca: No, Misato's "Pick Me Up" is standing on a street corner in the waterfront district. > Misato walked over to the table and sat down behind one of the plates. > She quickly began to shovel it down her mouth. Dan: Intense breakfast action! > " Morning Misato." Shinji said. > " Morning Shinji." Misato replied between mouthfuls. Tango: Morning Sam. Dan: Morning Ralf. > Asuka walked in wearing > her school uniform and sat > down. She quietly began to eat her breakfast. Shinji picked up his empty plate > and took it over to the sink when > the doorbell rang. Dan: Wow. This is just so intense. Rebecca: This really captures the spirit of Evangelion. > " I'll get it." He said, walking out of the kitchen. He opened the door. > Toji stood outside. Tango: [Shinji] Hey, there's a Toji on our doorstep. Do you want me to get rid of it? > " Toji?" Shinji asked. Toji nodded. Tsuneo: [Toji] No, I'm a frost-free fridge. > " In the flesh." Toji replied. Dan: [Toji] Or at least what's left of it. > He waved his left arm in front of Shinji. " All of it." He added. Rebecca: could you put that thing away? I'm not to fond of having dismembered limbs waved in my face. > " What are you doing here?" Shinji asked. Tsuneo: [Toji] I came here to oggle Misato, what did you think? Dan: And what happened to Kensuke? Where'd he get to? > " Meeting you before school. I wanted to come a few minutes early, though, > and show you the new limbs." Tango: [Toji] Do you like them? They come with built-in airbags, anti-lock brakes and air conditioning. Rebecca: [Shinji] But do they have cup holders? Tango: [Toji] DAMN! I was ripped off! > Toji replied. He indicated behind Shinji. Dan: [Shinji] Yes, it's the hall. Your point? > " Can I come in?" He asked. Shinji nodded. > " How'd you get them back?" Shinji asked as he shut the door behind Toji. Rebecca: [Toji] You see, there was this floating island, and an Echidna on it... > " Their cloned. Don't ask me how, Tango: And don't ask the authour either. > I couldn't understand or remember the medical mumbo jumbo the doctors > told me." Tsuneo: [Toji] Something about Jenova cells. > Toji explained. Shinji and Toji walked into the kitchen. > " Who was......" Dan: The third president of the United States? > Misato began, as she turned to face Shinji. " Oh." She > ended, seeing Toji. Rebecca: [Misato, bored] Hey look, it's Toji. Back from the dead and with all his limbs. [Pause] This cereal is so interesting. > Asuka glanced up > for a moment. She swallowed the food that was in her mouth, and looked down > again, desperately trying to > ignore the suprise guest. Tsuneo: I'm honestly surprised that Asuka isn't even one-dimensionally bitching by now. > " Hi Misato." Toji said. Tango: Huh? Where'd the "hubba hubba" go? > " I was going to tell them you had been placed back into active duty after > breakfast, Rebecca: So the instant they're finished snacking, he's back on duty? Dan: Nothing's more important than Captain Crunch. > Toji, but I see that's not necessary any more." Misato said. Toji nodded. Tsuneo: So he isn't back to active duty? > " I couldn't let you tell everybody now could I?" Toji asked cockily. He > smiled. Dan: So who were you planning to leave in the dark? Tango: Hikari and Kensuke. It's not like they do anything around here. > " Now that you mention it, I've got something to tell you all." Misato > continued. Dan: [Misato] I'm pregnant. > Shinji and Toji sat down at the table. Tsuneo: Obviously Rei's not important enough to be included. Tango: Otherwise she would have moved in by now, for no reason. > Asuka finished her food and looked at Misato. Dan: [Asuka] Are those real? I've got a bet with Hikari. > " The real fifth child has been found as is being sent > here for active duty." Tsuneo: Real fifth child? Rebecca: Yeah, that was just a cheap Taiwanese knock-off Kaoru. They got him from a back alley in Hong Kong. > She explained. Asuka's jaw almost dropped. Tango: She couldn't work up even that much interest. > " Another Pilot? Where from?" She rushed. Misato was about to reply. Rebecca: I think the authour just pulled him out of his arse. > " Which Eva is he piloting?" Shinji interrupted. Misato sighed inwardly. Rebecca: Four! Dan: Three! Tsuneo: Four! Tango: Purple! Dan: Um... Purple? Tango: Yeah, he's piloting Unit Purple. It's painted twelve. Dan: Rrrright. > " He's from America, Rebecca: Big surprise. Dan: Damn straight. > and he pilots Eva Unit-04. [Rebecca and Tsuneo high-five each other] Tango: See? I was right! > He's going to be here in about two days." Tsuneo: With any luck, he'll bring a plot with him. > " I thought that Unit-04 was destroyed." Shinji said. > " It wasn't. We actually found it under a pile of rubble. Rebecca: It's like I've always said, it was under a rock in Canada. > It's A.T. field activated itself just before the explosion, Dan: I thought the explosion came from the EVA. Tsuneo: It did. Dan: So how did it- No, wait, silly me, I'm thinking about it again. > and it was buried. Or so I heard." Tango: Actually, it was standing there all along. > Toji looked surprised. Dan: These EVAs are popping up like mushrooms! > " Not even a day out of hospital and already there's a new pilot." He > complained. Misato smiled. > " Look on the bright side. At least you're not getting replaced." She said. Tsuneo: Umm, I thought Toji wanted to be taken off roster. Oh that's right, that would be characterisation. Rebecca: Yeah, he gave an arm and a leg to get taken off. > " I suppose." Toji replied, unenthusiastically. Shinji looked at his watch. Dan: [Toji] Hello? Do I get a say in this? Tsuneo: [Asuka] Shut up you secondary character! > " We'd better be going, or we're going to be late." He said. Misato nodded. Tango: Who cares about school anyway? Rebecca: What are you going to miss? just the teacher droning on about- Tsuneo: No! Rebecca: Come on, you know the fic will anyway. > " Hurry up then." She said. Standing up, she left the kitchen. Shinji, Asuka > and Toji picked up their bags and > left for school. Asuka slowed down and took a detour Tango: She was found forty years later as a Shaolin monk. > just to be away from the other two. Dan: C'mon Asuka, assert yourself! Be you! > Toji and Shinji arrived early for school Tango: WHAM! Not even a scene change! > and took their seats. Everybody in the class was talking. Dan: Yeah, Rei's busy rabble-raising. > Hikari, > who had been keeping the noise down , walked over to Toji and Shinji. Rebecca: [Hikari] Bow before your empress, worms! Bow! Tsuneo: Rebecca! Rebecca: I'm just getting ahead of the fic. > " Suzuhara? You're back?" She asked. Toji smiled. Rebecca: And he didn't tell Hikari first? > " Yeah." He said. " Isn't it cute?" He asked playfully. Tango: Aren't you just the cutest little incendiary puppies? > Hikari tried not to blush as Toji walked past and sat down on his seat. Dan: [Toji] Anyone want to hear about my amazing brush with death as a pilot? Anyone? What about the sensation of having my limbs reattached? No-one? Fine, I didn't want to tell you anyway. > The class piped down a bit as they heard footsteps, but they > weren't the teachers. A 15 year old boy Tsuneo: We've found our Avatar people! > walked into the Dan: Thump! Closed doorway. > room, wearing earphones and humming loudly. Rebecca: He was wearing a Dragons of Doom shirt and saying "hell yeah." > Shinji looked at him as the kid opened his eyes. > He was tall and thin, Dan: When are we going to get a short, fat and ugly avatar? > and had orange hair, styled in the same way Kaworu > Nagisa's hair had been. Tsuneo: Rock Howard? > He had bright red eyes, Tango: Does this mean by default his fashion sense sucks? Rebecca: How do you accessorise red and orange without looking like part of a Mardi Gras? > wore a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, with a > black T-shirt underneath it. Tango: Ever heard of a school uniform? > He also wore black trousers and black cycling gloves, Dan: Oh look at us. Aren't we so cool? Rebecca: Couldn't we have Too Cool instead? I'd like to see Rikishi sit on his face. > and had a black and red backpack slung over one shoulder. Several > members of the room fell silent. Tango: Who farted? > 'The only people who every join this class are > fourth level Eva pilot candidates, or Eva pilots. Dan: Or any old god boy who walked off the street. > I wonder if he's that new pilot for Unit-04.' Shinji thought. Tsuneo: Will someone tell me how Shinji found that out? Dan: That was easy, he looked in the hint book. Rebecca: Let's see... "Talk god boy." > " Guess what? Aren't you all unlucky? All: Yes. > I'm BACK!" Tango: Large as life and twice as ugly. > The kid shouted, sitting down on Asuka's seat. Dan: Isn't she already sitting there? > Taking out the earphones and stopping the CD-Player Rebecca: 2015 and he is STILL using cd's? What a sad case. > they were connected to, he planted his feat on her desk, Tango: Hope he checked his life insurance this morning. > and leant backwards, hands behind his head, and looked at the roof. Tsuneo: [God-boy] I hate this place. > Hikari walked beside him. Rebecca: And promptly kicked him. > " That stains gone. And that light fixtures been fixed. And they repainted > the ceiling. Dan: Somehow I don't think paisley's right for this place. > How dare they?! That's years of hard vandalism wasted?" Tango: Oh great. They've sent us a Steve Austin-Nagisa. Rebecca: He seems more like Shawn Michaels to me. I expect him to start rubbing his crotch in the Japanese flag any minute now. > The kid said, pointing upward with his right hand. Rebecca: [God-boy] Wow, four fingers and a thumb. I never would have guessed. > " You were only here for a couple of months Matt." Hikari said to the kid. Dan: [Hikari] They let you out already? > The kid, obviously called Matt, wrapped his arm around her waist. Tango: Bugger insurance, I hope he has an MP5 and some flashbangs ready. > " You think I care?" He said, turning his head to look at her head. She > maneuvered her head to look him in the eyes. Tsuneo: Only just returned and he's already pissing everyone off. Rebecca: Kinda like Hulk Hogan. > " You remember what happened the last time you did that to me?" She said to > him. Dan: Yeah, and now Toji has Matt's arm. > Matt hand moved away slowly, and he put it back behind his head. Tango: Back away slowly... No sudden moves... That's it. Now run! > " You're dangerous." He said. Asuka walked into the classroom and stopped by > Matt, on the other side of him to Hikari. Rebecca: [Asuka] Kneel before the divine made flesh, you worthless dogs! > " HEY! That's my seat!" She shouted. Matt turned slowly began turning to > face her. Rebecca: [Paisley] The pilot formerly known as Queen Asuka did not give you permission to look upon her. > " I'm sorry, did I make a-" He finished turning his head, and looked at her > breasts. " Boooob......Boob!" Rebecca: [Asuka] WHAT? you dare to gawk at the Great Asuka's magnificent frontage? WA-TAK! [Normal] Heck with it, WA-TAK again! Dan: Matt? Run. Run with great speed. > He > finished. Pointing with his left hand, he shouted " Look at the size of those!" > Asuka slapped him. Tango: What a Gentleman. Usually I don't make "booby-jokes" until I've buggered off down the pub. Rebecca: See? Shawn Michaels. Dan: Fine. But if he starts talking about the size of Toji's privates, I'm out of here. > " Perverser mench!" She shouted at him, which everybody recognized as > German. Dan: Where's the enormous slap? > " Zwei Bierre Bitte!" Matt shouted back, which people recognized was also > German. Asuka slapped him. Dan: Much better. Tsuneo: Ich Habe nein Deutche. > As Matt rubbed his sore cheek, Asuka pushed him off of her seat. Rebecca: [Asuka] Who's next? > He stood up next to it as Asuka sank into her seat. Tango: Man the lifeboats! Women and children first! > Matt was about to push her off the seat in return, but the teacher walking > in stopped him. Dan: I think we have a new dickhead of the year entrant. Tango: Even if he is tormenting Asuka. > The other kids ran > to their seats and quietened down to a level of noise not audible to the > teacher, which wasn't much quieter than > the level of noise that they had been at. Tsuneo: Translation: The teacher's deaf. > " Class, we have two students rejoining our class after a long time away in > their own country. Dan: California? Rebecca: Slapnuts county? Tango: They own their own country? > However, for the benefit of those who have not met them, Rebecca: Like Joe Audience, I suppose. Dan: [Teacher] You are very lucky people. > they will reintroduce themselves. Matt stepped forward. Tsuneo: Wondering where the quotation marks went. Dan: [Matt] Hi. My name is Matt, and I'm an annoying avatar. I like loud offensive bands that the authour prefers and showing up feature characters. Oh, and I'm special. > " I'm Matt Blake, as far too many of you know." He grinned an evil, playful > smile at Asuka, Dan: Whaddya know, he's got perfect teeth too. Rebecca: Let me fix that. > who growled menacingly. The rest of the class laughed. Tsuneo: They laughed because he hadn't said anything even slightly funny. Tango: The Party for Brain Slugs has obviously received record support this year. > The other kid stepped forward. Rebecca: Other kid? Where'd the other one come from? Tsuneo: Hi. My name's the other kid, and I'm special. I'm not nearly as special as he is. My job is to make him look better and be his laughing monkey. My whole existence is hollow and pathetic. You may hate me now. > " I'm Mel Smee." Dan: Smeee. Smeee. Smeee heee! Rebecca: [Mel] My name sucks because I'm not allowed to be cool. > She said quietly. The laughter subsided and everyone acknowledged her. Tsuneo: [Mel] I'm not worthy of a description, let alone any attention. > The teacher pointed to two available desks, Tango: They'd already put out lonely heart ads. > one next to Toji, and the other next to Asuka. Rebecca: So they're between death and dismemberment? > Mel began walking towards the one > next to Asuka Matt walked up beside her and held her back. Dan: [Matt] My shiny thing. I found it. > " Oh no you don't. I've got dibs on that desk. I must annoy that cute girl > next to it." He said. Mel sighed. Tsuneo: And of course, she submits to his indomitable will and lets him be annoying. Rebecca: Matt, you obviously enjoy pain. > " You'll only last a day there before they swap us over, if that." Mel > replied. Matt smiled. > " And You're point is.....?" Tsuneo: That it's pointless, annoying, futile and not even slightly funny. > The question was left hanging in the air Dan: Will someone take that down? > as Matt walked over to the desk, planted his feet on it, Tango: You know, a little bit of water, some fertilizer and he could have a great crop by this time next year. > and leant backwards. He looked left to see Asuka desperately Rebecca: Searching for an escape route. > trying to ignore him, and typed a quick message on the laptop Dan: (#3(|< 0u+ ^^y ^^4D #4X0& 5|<1||2. Tsuneo: Dan, how the hell did you pronounce that? > that he had placed on his lap.. Rebecca: Well it is a *lap*top. > A message flashed up on the screen of her laptop. Dan: You've got mail. > Absent-mindedly, she pushed the call receive button. The message read ' I can > see you're underwear.' Tsuneo: I can see your lack of grammar skills. > Asuka stared at the message for a moment, and it appeared again in German. Tango: Actually, that says "I then to see that you are underclothing." > She sent the message 'Pervert' back to the > owner of the last message, and looked to her right to see Matt type something > else, before smiling and waving at her. Rebecca: Courting with death: the stupid way. > Another message appeared, reading Dan: MAKE BIG BUCKS WORKING FROM HOME!!! > ' I know.' Asuka growled quietly in anger, Rebecca: [Asuka] He'll see... When *my* new world order emerges, he'll suffer for that. > and sent another message. It > read, 'Send another message, and I'll kill you' Rebecca: [Asuka] One more message, and I'll knock you into next week. Dan: [Matt] Please do, I'm having an awful time this week. > Another message appeared on Asuka screen. 'Make me' it read. Tsuneo: You don't want to make her do that. > Asuka reached into her bag, picked out a book, and threw it at Matt. It hit his > head with a loud 'thump' noise. [They all applaud] Tango: I thought it would be a loud squish instead. > The teacher, who had be talking the whole time looked up to see the two > troublemakers. After several more > minutes of hassle, he swapped Matt and Mel over. Dan: What a big surprise. Rebecca: That really worked. > A few hours later, the bell rang and announced in its own way > that it was lunchtime. Tango: So now the bell's some kind of artiste? > Matt and Toji both shouted simultaneously. Dan: [Matt] Food fight! Tango: [Toji] I want my release! > " All right! Lunchtime!" The two looked at each other, before Matt got up > and joined Toji, Kensuke and Shinji. Tsuneo: I can really see Shinji getting along with the walking attention deficiency disorder here. Dan; [Matt] Shinji, I'm going to be your best buddy and there's only two things you can do about it: Nothing, and like it. > " So, exactly what was the teacher talking about?" Matt asked, stopping and > leaning on Toji's desk. Tsuneo: Please be original for a change. > " Weren't you listening?" Kensuke asked. He then shook his head and added: " > Stupid Question really." Tango: Actually, he was talking about the economic effect on mud sales in central Africa caused by the recent war between Latvaria and Grand Fenwick. > " Second Impact." Shinji said. Matt took out his earphones. Tsuneo: Silly me. > " What was that? I was listening to Rammstein again," Matt said. Dan: Big surprise. Tsuneo: Oh Great. The author is going to force his musical tastes down our throat. Wouldn't be an SI without it. > " Second Impact." Shinji repeated. Matt nodded an 'Oh' He picked up his > school bag and opened it. > " So, what've you got for lunch?" Toji asked Matt. Tango: [Toji] You're eating schoolbag too? > Matt fished out a plastic container. Dan: [Matt] I've got human flesh. How about you? Rebecca: [Toji] Penguin meat sandwiches. Dan: [Matt] Want to swap? > " Guess?!" Matt said. Toji shook, his head, and Matt opened the pot. Dan: Um... Incendiary Chihuahua? Rebecca: He brought a pot to school? Tango: [Matt] Yeah, I'm having the Pol Pot pot roast for lunch. > The smell of fried bacon filled the room. Tsuneo: A bacon sandwich for lunch in a Japanese school? Dan: Yeah, but it's his year's earnings. Tango: Fried bacon? Wouldn't it be off by now? > " What a surprise." Toji said, grinning about the private joke. Rebecca: Did anyone see a joke go past? Dan: Did it have a plot with it? > Shinji looked blankly from one to the other. > " Huh?" Tango: We don't get it either. > " Newbie." Matt said. Shinji, now utterly confused, asked what was going on. Dan: Absolutely nothing. > " Don't worry, when you get to know Matt, which you no doubt Tsuneo: Have absolutely no choice about. > will, you'll understand." Toji replied. Matt > nodded again, and the two walked off to the roof, leaving the bewildered Kensuke > and Shinji behind. Rebecca: They're not the only ones who have been left behind by all this. > " They're old friends." Kensuke said in explanation. > " When'd they meet?" Shinji asked. Dan: It was during the summer of love... Sex, drugs and Rock & Roll. It was a wild time. > " 'Bout three year's ago. Matt was only around for a couple of months, Tango: Then we got a really good stain remover. > before he went back to England." Dan: I thought he came from America. Rebecca: Where he lives with his good friend John Barren. > Kensuke explained, before he and Shinji began making their way to the roof. Dan: I guess they're gonna throw themselves off and take the easy way out. Rebecca: They're in a tag-team ladder/table/building/anything else match. > " So, who's the red head I pissed off?" Rebecca: Her name is Kei. I figure you, and everyone else in the city, are dead. Tango: Auska Laungly Soryu, alias God. > Matt asked, chomping on a bacon sandwich. Tango: Babe III: After the Armageddon. > Toji looked across the hills. Dan: Where the Mongol hordes were ready to sweep through the city in a rampage of murder and destruction. > " Red head? Oh, you mean Asuka." Rebecca: Who did you think he mean? Are there any other read-heads in the class? Dan: Lina? Rebecca: Shut up [She hits him with a cushion] > " That's her name? She's cute." Tango: In a masochistic kind of way. > " No, she's not. She's a complete bitch." > " What gives her the right to be a bitch? I wanna be a bitch too." Tsuneo: That takes surgery first. > " She's a pilot, and as far as she's concerned it makes her all powerful." Dan: Something to do with the 200ft tall killer robot of doom... > " Pilot?" > " Eva Pilot." Rebecca: No, she's a frickin' airline pilot. Of course she's an EVa pilot, you twit. Dan: I dunno... she could be a Gundam Pilot. Rebecca: Naaah. She's too strong and masculine for that. > " Oh. The Eva's. I heard about them in England. They said the fighting got > pretty rough at times." Dan: Something to do with a whole city blowing up. Tango: Say, why isn't the city just a huge crater- Oh wait, silly me. > " Then why'd you come back?" Matt shrugged., and finished his sandwich. Tsuneo: [Matt] I can't star in an EVA fanfic if I'm in England, can I? Rebecca: [Matt] It was getting pretty depressive hanging around Lyn. > " My dad wanted me back here. He said something about the military." Toji > made a pfft sound. Dan: [Matt] Yeah, it's only serving your country and all. Like I care. Tango: Besides, he's already graduated from West Point. > " Military stuff. That's all your dad's about." Tsuneo: Something about getting away from his family. > " Yep." The two stared silently at the horizon, Rebecca: Is that a horde of Mongolian horsemen I see, or is it just me? > and a moment later the school bell rang. > " Bloody school." Matt said, Dan: Tough luck, you have to go back. Not that they want you. > before mumbling something strange about cabbages and dynamite. Tsuneo: His two favorite foods. Tango: Mmm... Exploding cabbage... > Toji ignored him as he went back to the classroom. Tango: [Toji] If I ignore him, he may go away. > As the school bell that signaled the end of the day rang, Toji > walked out to the bike locks with Matt. > " So, have you still got the same apartment?" Toji asked as Matt fiddled > with Rebecca: Yeah, I guess he likes fiddling with things. > the lock on his bike. > " Nope. They rented it out to someone else long ago. Tango: Norman Bates? > Some girl called Rei I think." Dan: That would explain why it's in such bad shape. Tsuneo: Howww conveeenient. > " Rei Ayanami?" Toji asked. Dan: No, Rei Hino. of course it's Rei bloody Ayanami. > " Yeah, that's the one. You know her?" > " She's in the class. Surely you should have noticed her." Rebecca: Given the way she stayed out of the way and kept quiet. > " Which one?" Matt looked genuinely confused. > " She's that blue haired girl that sits by the window." Dan: Ami Mizuno? Rebecca: No, the *other* one! > " Her?" Mat asked. Toji nodded in response. "She reminds me of an albino." > Matt added Dan: Gee, maybe it's because she *is* an albino. > " I know what you mean." Toji replied. Tango: Toji here is pretty impervious to the obvious. Rebecca: Nah, he just has to agree with Matt, poor bastard. Dan: Hey, where did he leave that "witless minion" t-shirt? > Matt mumbled something about his lock in response, before snapping it. Tsuneo: Witness amazing uberkid strength! Of course. > Toji looked slightly amazed. Tango: Only slightly? Rebecca: Yeah, he sees pointless avatars showing off their ridiculous abilities every day. > " I needed a new one anyway." Matt said as he pulled his bike out. Tango: Put that thing away, young man! Rebecca: He needs a new one of those as well. > " So where are you gonna live?" Toji asked. Matt shrugged. Tsuneo: In other words, he's come to live in Tokyo-3 without arranging a place to live? What an idiot! > " I figure I'd get one of the ones in that block on the edge of the city." Dan: That's right, there's going to be plenty of cheap, available housing in Japan's capital city. Tsuneo: *Especially* after the whole city got reduced to rubble. > " Shinji lives round there." Rebecca: That's where Shinji and his homies hang out. > " I'll have to gate crash his house sometime." Dan: Why not? You've wrecked everything else around here. Tango: That place has got to be the size of a five star hotel by now. > " Try it, and Asuka would kill you." Tsuneo: Asuka's a "responsible gun owner" then. > " Asuka? They live together? I don't get that. Rebecca: Shinji doesn't get *that* either. > Asuka seems to hate Shinji. And everybody else, for that matter." Dan: [Matt] I mean, she even took an instant disliking to me. How could she? I'm The Man. > " There both pilots. Tango: Where pilots? There pilots. > Misato, their commander, took them both in so she could > make sure they work together." Rebecca: In the spirit of cats and dogs, I suppose. > " Military, Military, Military." Matt sighed. Dan: [Matt] Why should I care if they save the world? > " See ya 'round." > " Yeah, see ya." Toji said. Matt climbed onto his bike and rode off. Tango: He rode off into the sunset and promptly self-immolated. The end. > Shinji, who had been standing near them, Tsuneo: Since when was Shinji a lurker? > not near enough to hear the conversation though, Rebecca: [Shinji] Damn bugs didn't work out right. > walked over to Toji, and began leading him to NERV HQ. Dan: [Shinji] Come on Toji, away from the nasty man. > " What do you mean there's no spare apartments!" Matt shouted at the > confused attendant. Tsuneo: Something to do with a self-destructing EVA, I believe. > He had been waiting for at least an hour for the attendant, Tango: Those things never run to time. > only to find that there were no rooms available. Tango: Has he tried the manger? He's probably that self-important. > Matt sighed as the > attendant dropped a load of papers, and leant down to pick them up. Rebecca: This is riveting. Absolutely riveting. Dan: Remember, this will all be in the test. > This was the last apartment block at the edge of the city, Tango: And it has just two days left until retirement. > and if they didn't have an apartment, then he'd either have to > back to his old place Dan: I don't think miss Ayanami would approve. Tsuneo: I think he means going back to America. Not that we're complaining. > or find a friend to stay with. Rebecca: This guy couldn't make a friend if his life depended on it. > 'I wonder if Mel is having better luck?' Matt thought, Dan: Given the marvelous impression you made on her, I don't think it's relevant. Rebecca: Does it matter? I don't think Mel's actually done anything so far. > but his mind was interrupted as the attendant spoke. Tango: Silence! The attendant has spoken! His rigid grill structure! > " Oh, I'm mistaken. There is a room available." He said, giving Matt the > paper. He looked it over. It was a small > apartment, with a kitchen and three other rooms. Tsuneo: That's actually a rather large apartment in Japan. > Matt figured that there wasn't anything better around, Rebecca: We feel so sorry for him because he couldn't find a mansion on offer. Dan: Yeah, Jim Beckett isn't renting rooms out. > so he > agreed, signed up, and set up all the other crap that was necessary to gain the > apartment. Dan: Just sign here.... And here... and here... and your credit card number here... and your PIN here... and here... and this blank cheque... and here... and this... Rebecca: Some days you can pass anything on an avatar. They're so ignorant of lesser matters. > " The apartment is room 14B, on the 12th floor." Dan: So that's room 12 on floor 14B? Tsuneo: No, it's room 12B on the 14th floor. Tango: No, it's room 12 on the 14th Blue Battleship. Rebecca: No, it's Grey 17 on Babylon 5. > The attendant informed Matt, although it was unnecessary, > seeing as the address was on the paper. Dan: Right there in room 77Q on the 6 1/2th floor. > The attendant picked up the keys to give them to Matt, and dropped them. Rebecca: He then fumbled, rolled on critical hit table "D" and severed his own foot. > " First Day?" Matt asked sarcastically, and picked up the keys. Rebecca: [Matt] First time? > He walked over to the lift. However, just before > he stepped through the door's though, a familiar voice called out to him and > stopped him. Dan: That was you, wasn't it Voice? Voice: Not me! > " Hey!" The familiar voice called. Dan: [Voice] I've got a fanfic so bad, it'll make your eyes bleed! Voice: Stop that! > Matt turned around to see Mel running towards him. Rebecca: Run Forrest, run! Tango: No, the other way. > He held the elevator > door open as she ran up to him, and stopped inside, breathless. Dan: [Mel] Eeew! What died in here! > He stepped in after her and the doors closed. > " Hey to you too." Matt said. Mel smiled at him, and placed a hand over her > heart. Rebecca: [Mel] Pervert! WA-TAK! Dan: Is he trying to piss off as many people as possible in one day? > A moment later, she had enough breath to speak. Tango: Has she forgotten the way he carried on this morning already? Tsuneo: Why hold a black mark against the god-boy? It won't get you anywhere. > " I noticed you were at the desk. You got an apartment here?" Mel asked. Rebecca: [Matt] No, I was just hanging around here for the fun of it. Tango: He was just looking for something new to destroy. > " Yeah...........Why.........?" Matt asked slowly. > " I haven't found one yet. Dan: So she moved here without an apartment either? Tsuneo: We feel the same way. we can't find the plot. > I wondered....if...I...could,...um,...like.......move in....... with > ........you....." Mel asked > very slowly, as if regretting every word. Rebecca: For obvious reasons. > Matt digested the speech for a moment, Dan: [Matt] Urp... Give me an Alka-Seltzer. > and burst out laughing. Mel > stared at him angrily for a moment, and decided that the best way to silence him > was to poke him sharply in the > ribs with her elbow. Dan: Then follow up with a kick to the guts and a Stone Cold Stunner. Rebecca: Let's see... Critical hit table Q... She just went through his heart. > The theory worked, and Matt's laughter subsided to a gentle > giggle. He wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes. > " Okay, okay, I see no reason to refuse you. Dan: [Matt] and i've got a chance of hooking up with a major babe. Tango: Odds on that Mel is just some girl the authour knew in school. > It's probably safer anyway. > After all, you know how to cook. All I know is how to damage." Tsuneo: He's proven that by writing this fic. > Matt replied. Mel laughed softly for a moment. Tsuneo: [Mel] I'd better humor him. Rebecca: [Dark] Then killed him. > " That's the first thing you've gotten right all day." She said. Tango: That girl's smarter than she looks. Say, what does she look like, anyway? Dan: I'm guessing she's blonde, has huge puppies and wears a "witless minion" t-shirt. > " And It'll probably be the last as well." Matt added. Rebecca: [Matt] Insulting myself is fun. > Mel smiled. The lift stopped and the doors opened. Tango: [Matt] I see a bright light... > Matt sarcastically bowed and gestured towards the door. > " Ladies first." He said. As Mel walked out, Matt finished being stupid Dan: I don't think he'll ever be done. > and followed her to their new apartment. Rebecca: [Matt] I'll accept blow jobs in lieu of rent. > Meanwhile, Ritsuko stood in the control room watching over the > rebuilt Unit-03. Tsuneo: Who painted that dumb red hawk thing on its chest? > Shinji and Misato > stood next to her, watching the activation test below. Tango: [Shinji] Twenty says it goes berserk and tries to kill us all. Dan: [Misato] You're on. > " Begin activation test." Ritsuko said. > " Beginning test. Inserting the Entry plug." Maya said. Rebecca: Inserting the breakfast pastry. Yum. > The robotic loader inserted the entry plug into the > Eva's neck. The opening shut behind it. Dan: And he was never seen again. Tsuneo: I want to know why they think a rebuilt EVA-03 would be safe. Tango: I'm sure there's some perfectly contrived reason. > " Filling Entry Plug." Maya said. Rebecca: Heating to a golden brown. > The entry plug began to fill. Tango: You'd be worried if it started to drain. > Toji mumbled 'I hate this part.' A moment before the LCL filled the plug. > " How do you feel Toji?" Ritsuko asked over the radio. Dan: [Toji] I use my hands. > " Weird." He replied > " What do you mean by weird?" Tango: [Toji] Odd. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] What do you mean by odd? Tango: [Toji] Funny. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] What do you mean by funny? Tango: [Toji] Strange. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] What do you mean by strange? Tango: [Toji] Weird. > " Like there's a load of stuff holding me in place." Toji replied. Dan: That's your seat belt. Tango: Oh look, Asuka substituted the LCL for liquid magnesium again. > Reflexively pulling on the control stick, Rebecca: Not here! Bad Toji! Bad! > he turned his head to the left, to face the control box. Dan: [Toji] There's babes in there. > The Evangelion copied his movement exactly. Toji let go of the > control stick instantaneously. " This is weirder than weird." He mumbled. Tango: Does that make it wyrd? > In the control box, Ritsuko turned to face Maya Rebecca: [Ritsuko] My place, tonight. > as Shinji let out a sigh of relief, the words 'Thank God' going with it. > " What's his synchronization?" Dan: Contrived. Tsuneo: Purple Fish. > " 55%" Maya said. Tsuneo [Coughs]: Bullsh*t. > Ritsuko looked puzzled. Dan [Ritsuko]: Mugu mugu? The hell? > " That's higher than Shinji's first synchronization." Rebecca: No biggie. Everyone has a higher initial synch than Shinji. If Mae Young was written into an EVA fic, she'd have a higher synch rate than Shin-boy. Dan: Mae Young... Urk... [Falls off chair] > " This is Toji's second sync, Ma'am." Maya said in a way of reply. Ritsuko > turned to Misato, who simply shrugged. Rebecca [Misato]: Don't ask me. I only work here. > Ritsuko turned back to the radio. Dan: Change channel. There's nothing good on this station. [He gets back up] > " Toji, were going to start a basic movement test in the Geofront." Tsuneo: Step one: Walk. > Ritsuko said as Maya tapped in the restraint > release commands. After the restraints had been released, Unit-03's platform > moved to one of the catapults. Rebecca: The catapults are a better neighborhood. And the shopping's better. > " Yes Ma'am." Ritsuko turned to face Shinji. > "We're going to send you up there to help him, Tango: Toji needs help. [The others stare at him] What? > and remove the entry plug if something goes wrong." All: Forshadowing! > She > ordered. Shinji nodded, and turned to change into his entry plug suit. Tsuneo: You mean he wasn't in it already? Wouldn't he be in it if he was going up to help Toji? > Toji grimaced as the catapult flung him and > his Evangelion up to the Geofront. Tango [Toji]: I can flyyyyyyyyyyyy... > " Look, It's really not that hard." Rebecca: That's why he isn't going out with Hikari any more. > Shinji said as Toji fell over for the umpteenth time. Dan: He's attending the Isamu Mitsurugi school of EVA piloting. > " Yeah it is." Toji replied as he stood up. Throughout the fifteen minutes > he had been in the test, Tsuneo: The audience became extremely bored. > that was the only thing he had managed to master. Tango: Falling down's easy. Getting up is the hard part. > Shinji sighed to himself. > " Look, just pull on the control stick Rebecca: And think about Misato. > and concentrate on walking." Shinji said. Toji did what was asked. > Unit-03' took a step forward, and another, before tripping over its own feet and > crashing to the ground. Dan: Wow, he managed three whole steps. He's improving. Tsuneo: This is so riveting. > " Treat the Eva as an extension of you're own body." Ritsuko commanded as > Toji once again stood up. > " I told you, it's difficult. Get of my case!" Toji replied irritably. Rebecca: Well someone's mister grumpy today. Tsuneo: Poor guy's turning into Matt. > He > pulled on the control stick again and, > wobbling, managed to take about five steps before tripping over. Ritsuko sighed. Tango: The audience snored. Dan: This is going to go on all night, isn't it? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Up, down, up, down, my what energy! > " Forget the movement for a moment. We'll send you a rifle. Dan: That's right, he can't move so we'll teach him to shoot. Tango: That's how I learned. > We'll test you're stationary firing ability." Rebecca: I figure he can probably hit the ground fairly well. > Ritsuko > said. Toji got up and Shinji held out the rifle that had been sent up. Toji > carefully took it. Dan: Now Toji, point the barrel away from yourself. > " Now, to fire, line up the-" Ritsuko's explanation was cut short as the > first automated target popped up, and > promptly fell down again as a hail of bullets blasted into it. Rebecca: What is this, Evangelion by Quentin Tarantino? > Toji looked down at the smoking barrel of his Eva rifle. Dan: That's right, he can't move and he hasn't had weapons training, so we're going to trust him with a fully-automatic weapon loaded with live ammunition. Tango: Sounds good to me! > " Cool." He said. As the second target popped up Unit-03' twisted to it's > right Rebecca: Fell over. > and ripped a hole in the centre > of it with the rifle. This accuracy continued for the next few targets, as > heads, individual limbs and vital areas [Everyone except Rebecca crosses their legs] > were targeted and attacked with suprising accuracy. Dan: Nice shooting, Tex. Rebecca: Come on, no-one's that good on their first try. Except me. Tango: He's only that good because he's visualizing each target as Kensuke. > " Very good." Ritsuko said. " We'll try you out with moving targets." Tango: Well, Kensuke always wanted to see the EVAs up close... Dan: Why do we keep beating up on Kensuke? Rebecca: Convenient slow-moving target. > " Okay." Toji said. The first moving target popped up and began sliding to > it's left. Unit-03' followed it with its > rifle and blasted it two seconds later. Dan: You're kind of slow. > " Okay, now that we know you can shoot, Tsuneo: Because you potted one single moving target. > lets start you on movement training again." Rebecca: Ker-plunk. Tango: On second thoughts, let's not. > Shinji took the rifle from Toji and placed it back in it's holder. Dan: [Shinji] *My* shiny thing! > Toji groaned as Ritsuko began explaining to him about how to make the Eva > walk again. Tango: Let's start by hitting reset. Rebecca: Reboot it. Your EVA's memory is full. > Three hours later, a tired and thoroughly bored Toji climbed > out of Unit-03's entry plug. Tsuneo: Toji, we know how you feel. > Shinji waited for him at the entrance to the changing rooms. Rebecca: Alright, it's newbie hazing time! > " Is all piloting that boring and difficult?" Toji asked, yawning. > " No. It gets much easier." Shinji replied. Toji shook his head as the two > went into the changing rooms. Tango: [Shinji] And then you start developing all these cool neurosis. It's lots of fun. > Ritsuko sat at her desk, writing up a report of the > training session that day. It read: Dan: Fell over. Shot things. Fell over some more. > Date: 13-8-2015 Time: 23:19 Subject: Toji Suzuhara > (Fourth C.) Tango: She likes to work late. Especially with Gendo. > The Fourth Child has spent three and a half hours in training, > supervised by Unit-01. The pilot has a > high degree of firearms accuracy, and is a good shot at short and medium range. > He has yet to master the basics of movement, Rebecca: Are you sure you put his new limbs on right? That might be it. > such as walking, running, and crawling. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Why we didn't start by training him in our simulation chambers is anyone's guess. > Neither he, nor Unit-01's pilot, have mastered the usage of > their Evangelions S2 organs, Tsuneo: Despite the fact unit 01 was operating without a power cord in episode 24. Tango: But wouldn't the EVAs use the S2 organ, not the pilots? Tsuneo: Yes. Tango: AARGH! My head! > although the ability to activate them is still not known to anyone. Rebecca: Which doesn't explain why I'm writing about it if I don't know about it. > Unit-03' has, so far, proven to be controllable, Dan: Even though this was its first activation test. > but it has not been deemed whether supervision is still required, Rebecca: Adult supervision recommended. Aim away from face. Tsuneo: Even though they *always* supervise the EVAs. > it will still be monitored by another Evangelion. Tango: Obviously they've fired the command staff. > The pilot still cannot activate the Unit's arm extension capability. Tsuneo: Something to do with it not being an angel anymore, if I recall. Rebecca: Toji has mastered extending something else, though. > The Fourth Child's current synchronization ratio with Unit-03' > is 55%, which is higher than any other > child's initial synchronization. Dan: No new EVA pilot ever starts out with an average sync rate. > It is suspected that it has something to do > with the fact that he was present in the > entry plug of Unit-03 when it was possessed by the thirteenth angel. Tsuneo: So this wasn't his initial syncronisation, was it? > Presence of > the thirteenth angel in the > genetic structure of Evangelion Unit-03' is still unconfirmed, but there has > been no evidence that it still exists. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Apart from when it tried to dismember unit 01 during testing. Tango: We thought that was just Toji mucking around. > The S2 organ that was cloned into the Unit may have been accidental, Tsuneo: What, you *accidentally* installed an S2 engine in it? Dan: Next week, they're planning to accidentally install Windows 2015. > but it may also show that the angel is still > present. Until confirmed otherwise, we assume that the angel that populated > Unit-03's body is dead. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Because being cautious and prepared is for wimps. Rebecca: So you haven't fully checked the EVA, have you? Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Well, no. > Report Ends. Dan: Attached file: Hot XXX nude JPEGS!!! > Ritsuko sighed, picked up and sipped a cup of now cold coffee. Tango: Mmm... Cold coffee... > Making two copies of the report, she Rebecca: Destroyed one and mislaid the other. > placed one in a folder on her desk and took the second with her. She entered a > code into her security door, and > left, unaware of what was about to happen. Tango: Dr. Akagi makes her way home, unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. > The security door clicked, and opened. A shadow slid across > Ritsukos office, in search of something. Dan: Oh no, it's Cindy again! > The figure it belonged to slowly and stealthily walked up to the desk Rebecca: Aaargh! [Makes loud crashing and tearing noises] Rrrowr! Yipyipyip! Crash! [long pause] Sorry. > and opened the file that contained the Fourth Child's report. Dan: I see his grades are as good as can be expected. Tango: Oh look, he failed lunch. > Picking out the report , the shadows owner Dan: I hope she has a license for that shadow. > read through it slowly and carefully, Tango: [Slow] Once upon a time... > absorbing every detail and sentence. Tsuneo: Now there's a coffee spill on page three, someone squashed a mosquito on page five, there's an "e" backwards on page six... Rebecca: Gods, it sounds just like my Grade 12 English teacher. > Roughly half an hour later, the report was carefully > placed back in its file Dan [Shadow]: I corrected some of the spelling mistakes. I hope they don't mind. > and returned to its position on the desk. > The person spoke quietly to themselves, as if > thinking out loud. Tsuneo: It'd be a bummer for them if Gendo had hid a listening device in Ritsuko's office. Rebecca: I wouldn't put it past the devious old bastard. Dan: I'd be surprised if there wasn't a security camera as well. > " So, they did rebuild Unit-03. Dan: They dropped the suspension, re-did the interiors in red leather, re-built the engine with an overhead scoop added a chrome finish. > They didn't mention any new weapons, aside from the S2. Tsuneo: And the Progressive Grenades. > I wonder....." The > sentence trailed off into nothing as the spy entered a password. Tango: "Password?" > The door to Ritsuko's office opened and they left as they had come in, Rebecca: What, feet first? > sliding among the shadows and under the security camera's. Dan: For an omnipotent world-domination conspiracy, their security is pretty lousy. > Only fifteen minutes later, in the central region of Terminal > Dogma, Tsuneo: Say "hi" to Lilith for me, will you guys? Rebecca: This is where they keep their deepest, darkest secrets. Tango: Hey look, it's Elvis. And Goldberg. > Ritsuko and Gendo looked up at an Evangelion. Dan: Yes, it's an Evangelion. Your point? Tango: [Ritsuko] Who left that thing lying around here? I almost stubbed my toe on it. > It's crimson armour plating shone grimly in the minimal lighting. Rebecca: Will someone switch a damn light on? These electrical cutbacks are really hurting. Dan: They've already got a red Evangelion. Tango: They're going to make Asuka repaint hers salmon pink. > A lone figure walked onto the gangplank from the left. Tango: Arr, me harties! Shiver me timbers! > " Are you just gonna stand there and admire it, or are you gonna get it out of > cryo-fucking-status?" All: It's Matt. > The figure asked. Gendo turned to look at him. Dan: [Gendo] Why am I in this scene? I know the value of a good night's sleep. > " The thawing process is beginning. You will have to wait." Tsuneo: Shall I mention now that EVA-01 was thawed out in very little time when needed? > " Yeah, I know I gotta screwin' wait, Rebecca: Never say "screw" around Gendo. He might regard that as a come-on. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > I wish you'd just hurry up about > gettin' it out and not stand here looking at it!" The person shouted. Tsuneo: It's a McFarlaine toy. You can't do anything else. > Gendo began looking annoyed, but somehow remained calm. Tango: Yep, only the Authour Avatar could be so disrespectful around Gendo. Dan: Go on, Gendo. Boot him off the side. You know you want to. > " It is thawing itself out. We cannot speed up the process, Rebecca: The hamster's going as fast as it can! Tsuneo: It's not our fault, we're using union labour. > nor can we let information about the existence of > either this unit or Unit-05C." Tsuneo: Which is why they thawed out hte pilots early and let them run free. > " And you plan to leave me too wait until you're bothered to tell them, > right?" Dan: That's right. Only Gendo is allowed to be that smug and all-knowing. > " As long as they have not guessed either of you're secrets, Rebecca: Not until Asuka volunteers him for dissection in biology class. Tango: What? That Matt's gay and Mel is a clone of Eva Otagi? > then we are O.K." Dan: Is anyone in Evangelion really OK? > " Well, I think there close to getting the first." Rebecca: In English, maybe? Dan: Who's got first? Tango: No, Who's on second, What's got first. Dan: I don't know, what is first? Tango: Exactly. > The person said. Gendo shook his head. > " Geez, shut up!" Rebecca [Voice]: Like, shut up! Dan [Matt]: Like, make me! Rebecca [Voice]: Like, Booyaka! Dan [Matt]: Fartknocker. Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Zell and Selphie" sketch. > Another person said, walking up behind the first that had come in. Tango: Now, while he's not looking, throw him in the LCL! > " Oh, and you're happy to wait are you, wingding?" Dan: Wingding? Tsuneo: It could be worse. He could have called her "Courier New" or "MS Sans Serif". > The first voice argued. > " You know as well as I do that there's no way to speed this up." The second > voice argued back, unbashed. Rebecca: And that would be Mel, obviously. > The first person made a pfft sound, and, giving up, walked off. Dan [Deep]: He was never seen again. > " Is he always like that?" Ritsuko asked. Tsuneo: Only when he's not being pushy, overbearing, sexist, obnoxious or just plain rude. > " No. He's probably just pissed off 'cause Rebecca [Mel]: I won't give him any. > despite the fact you said it > would take about a year, it took three years to complete this." Dan: Another quality project from the US Department of Defence. > The other voice answered. > " We did not realize that it would take that long. It was no fault of ours." Dan [Gendo]: I blame my parents. Tango [Gendo]: I blame the Big Aztec Guy. > Gendo explained. Tsuneo [Gendo]: We don't have to answer to the likes of you. You're the guinea pigs here. > " Tell him that." The other person replied, before walking off. Dan [Mel]: Screw you guys, I'm going home. > Gendo shook his head in dissatisfaction, Rebecca [Gendo]: I don't get enough. Tsuneo: [Gendo] Okay, liquidate these ones and break out a new set. > and began to walk off. Ritsuko, obligated by command, followed him. Tsuneo: Well that was a waste of time. > The next morning was gray and bleak, and showed all the signs > of a nearby storm. Rebecca: The storm emerged from Asuka's bedroom and broke over the kitchen table. There was extensive property damage. > Shinji looked out of the window as Asuka made breakfast, Tango: Asuka's making breakfast? Citizens flee in badly-dubbed terror! Tsuneo: Somehow, I just can't see her doing that. > seeing as it was her turn. Rebecca: [Asuka] So Shinji, what do you want for breakfast? Tsuneo: [Shinji] Well, I- Rebecca: [Asuka] It doesn't matter what you want! > Misato's whoop of joy as she finished her beer > broke through Shinji's concentration, and before it could return to the window, > the telephone rang. He walked over to pick it up. Dan: Come on, show us something original in a morning scene. > " Ahh, The invincible Shinji returns to answering telephones once again!" > Asuka said, desperately > trying to annoy Shinji, who ignored her as usual. Tsuneo: Notice how Asuka has been reduced to complete ineffectuality with near-surgical precision. > " Hello?" Shinji asked. He listened for a moment, and handed the phone to > Misato. Rebecca: [Misato] Misato's house of certain pleasures, proprietor- Sorry, hi Ritsuko. > " It's Ritsuko." Misato took the phone. > " Yes?" Misato asked. She listened to the call for a moment, and put the > phone down. Tango: [Misato] I'm afraid Squiffy didn't pull through. > " We're wanted at Headquarters. Ritsuko wants to take a quick sync test, and > you're wanted on standby." Tango: Aren't they always on standby? Tsuneo: Yes. Tango: So why does she have to request it? Tsuneo: She doesn't. > She > said, and picked up her car keys. Asuka, who had just finished with breakfast, > cursed quietly in German under her > breath, picked up the food and put it into a bag to take with her. Rebecca: Er, you don't put cereal in a paper bag. > She would let nothing stop her from having breakfast. Dan: [Asuka] Not even the incomprehensible wrath of the creator shall stop me from consuming *my* breakfast! > Twenty minutes later, at NERV HQ, Misato, Asuka and Shinji > walked into the synchronization test box, > to see Ritsuko and the other technicians waiting, and Rei and Toji already > suited up. Tsuneo: [Rei] As soon as I get a line, I'm out of this fic. > " All right Children, get suited up." Shinji and Asuka nodded, and walked > towards the changing rooms. Rebecca: Any reason why they didn't go straight to the changing rooms since they knew it would be a sync test? Tango: Actually, some wiseass switched the signs for the change rooms and the command box. Wait until Kaji finds out the coffee room sign was hung on the ladies room. Dan: Are you kidding? He did that. > Ritsuko turned to Misato. > " How can you manage to be late, all the time?" Ritsuko asked. Tsuneo: Because she rarely is? Rebecca: [Misato] Well *some* of us have to get out of our *own* beds in the morning. Dan: [Ritsuko] Shut up. > Misato gave an embarrassed smile, shrugged, and looked away. Dan: Whoops... Still in her pyjamas. > Ritsuko sighed. Shinji and Asuka walked out of the changing > rooms, and stood with Toji and Rei. Rebecca: Hey look, it's nWo 2015. Tsuneo: [Rei] Are we actually doing anything here. > Ritsuko turned to face them. Tango: [Ritsuko] Ah! That's where they put them! > " Get into you're test plugs children. We'll begin the test as soon as > possible." The children nodded, and > began walking towards their test plugs, Tsuneo: At this rate, we may get there by the end of the chapter. Although I doubt it. > when the alarm sounded. Tango: Okay, who left a potato in the microwave? > Ritsuko looked to the technicians in a moment > of confused panic, and calmed herself. Dan: What, haven't you heard the angel alarm before? > " What is it?!" Ritsuko half cried, half asked. > " A target has been located not to far from here. It's pattern is green." > " Green? What the hell does that mean..?" Rebecca: Aoba sneezed and his boogers are all over the monitor. Tsuneo: Well, it's not an Angel or an Invador. Tango: Orangel, maybe? > Misato asked. Ritsuko turned in a with an expression made of calmness and fear. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] I didn't do it. It wasn't me. I wasn't there at the time. > " It means it's probably not an angel." Misato was paralyzed with fear for a > moment, and was silent. Dan: Well that's a relief... I think. > " If it's not an angel, then what is it?!" Asuka shouted, bringing Misato > out of her trance. She turned to Maya. Dan: It's a Demon! Tsuneo: It's an Invador! Rebecca: It's the *other* Matt, in EVA-14! Tango: It's El Peuro Diablo! > " I can't get a visual from here, We've got to go to the command deck." Maya > replied. Tsuneo: Can't they get footage fed through to here? Tango: Shut up. Tsuneo: And wouldn't they go to the command room anyway? Tango: Shut up. > Misato nodded, and > everyone left the test control centre, and headed towards the command deck. Rebecca: So what, they just left the kids in the test plugs? Dan: [Shinji] Hello? Is anyone here? Help? > Five minutes later, Misato half ran, half stumbled onto the > command deck, Rebecca: Putting her clothes on as she went. > followed four confused pilots, Dan: It's their natural state. Tsuneo: Um, the EVAs are the other way. > Ritsuko, Maya, and a host of other technicians. Tango: Look at that, it's Ensign Throwaway! Tsuneo: What are they all doing there anyway? Rebecca: They're all playing Team Fortress. > The technicians all sat in their appropriate seats, Dan: This is so thrilling. > while Ritsuko and Misato stood in the centre. Tango: Ususal positions, everyone. Dan, walk over to the door, then stand in the kitchen. Rebecca, stand behind couch and look official. Tsuneo, walk out the door and stay there. Tsuneo: Please. > Maya began punching up Rebecca: Aoba, again. > a visual of the enemy. All eyes turned towards > the screen to see what they were fighting. Tango: It's Viscera! And he's at his usual size. > It was almost identical to Sachiel, the third angel, Rebecca: It must be his stunt double. > except that it's skin > was pure black, and it only had one head. The S2 orb on its chest was a deep > blue, and the elbow tendrils glowed > a dull red, identical in colour to the two glowing lights emanating from the > beasts two eye sockets. Tsuneo: Of course, it's Sachiel's player two palette swap. > It lumbered through the outskirts of Tokyo-3. Dan: If it's in the oil tanks again... > " It looks identical to an angel...." Misato began. > " It's genetic structure is 30% more refined than any previous angels, Rebecca: And we can tell this by just looking at it. Tango: Maybe it's that "30% improved" sign he's holding up. Dan: It's the Total Sachiel! Now with four percent body fat and five minutes to pose. > and it's producing a 50% greater power outage." Maya said. Rebecca: [Sachiel] Fell my amazing Latino Heat! > Misato didn't even finish what she was going to say. Tsuneo: [Misato] Don't you just hate it when someone interrupts you? > " Course of action?" Ritsuko asked. Tango: Maybe it's friendly? Dan: Something to do with the way it's tearing up the city? Rebecca: Good call. > " Dispatch all four Evangelions. Tango: Close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus. > Arm Unit's 00', 01 and 02 with close combat weaponry Dan: I really don't think those new progressive cream pies are going to work. Tango: They have to! Dr. Otagi designed them! > and arm Unit-03 with an Eva assault rifle. Rebecca: Uh, Toji? You hold that thing the other way. > Deploy at the edge of the city. Send all civilians into the shelters Dan: Use registered post. > and put the city into defense mode." Misato ordered. Tsuneo: So... Basically do everything they always do? Rebecca: [Misato] Yeah, but I feel more important if I say it. > The pilots nodded, and headed off to the cage elevator, Dan: What the hell is a cage elevator anyway? Tango: It's the thing they use to raise and lower the cage on Raw. Tsuneo: And why didn't they head down there earlier? > while the technician staff > prepared the launch catapults and send up the weapons. Tango: Unfortunately, they sent them by Fed Ex, so they won't be there for two weeks. > About five minutes later, the four catapults launched, Rebecca: Might help if you put the EVAs on them next time. > sending the four Evangelions up to the surface. > As the safety locks on the shoulders of the four Evangelions released, Unit-03' > fell over and smacked into the ground. Tsuneo: Brilliant. Dan: So why did they deploy him if he can't even pilot the thing? Rebecca: Toji is the Shockmaster. > " Ow! Crap!" Toji shouted. A Holo-Screen communication window opened, and > Asuka's sniggering face appeared. Tango: How would you like that? You've just been knocked around and the first thing you see is Asuka. > " What's the matter? Can't you make it walk yet? Awww!" Dan: Try switching it on. > Asuka said in a very childish voice, obviously mocking Toji. Rebecca: You reckon? Tiffany Grant only has two voices, mocking and angry. Tsuneo: I love the sledgehammer-subtlety storytelling in this fic. > He, however, braced Unit-03's foot against Tango: Asuka's head. > the catapult and leapt forward, grabbing the machine > gun from it's building storage container. He landed in a standing position > several hundred metres from the catapult. Dan: So what, he can gracefully leap from the catapult but he can't walk properly? Rebecca: Toji's a real idiot savant. Without the savant bit. > He swiveled round and raised the machine gun in Asuka's direction. Rebecca: Asuka, all the put-downs; all the taunts; all the slaps; they're finally coming back to haunt them. > " No, but I could blast a tin can from off your head." Toji replied smugly, Tsuneo: Uh, guys? The Angel's the other direction. > smirking slightly. " And I've mastered getting up!" He added, even more smugly. Dan: He needs to. > Asuka growled, and shut off the communication. Tango: [Toji] Hah! I can scare her off by proving my incontrovertable inferiority! Dan: Is incontrovertable even a real word? Tango: I think I just made it up. > Toji then lowered > the machine gun, and smirked even more. Asuka, grabbed a progressive axe out of > one of the storage buildings, Rebecca: And Toji crossed his legs. > and Unit's 00' and 01 grabbed spears. Tsuneo: Can we actually attend to the angel by now? > All four Evangelions turned to face the city limits, and Unit-03' fell over > once again. Tsuneo: ...we're doomed. > " How can you get these things to walk!?!" Toji asked, his Eva standing up > once again. Dan: I thought Shinji could do way better than this on his first try. Tango: Well what do you expect? Everyone's got Logitech Wingman Extreme setups, but Toji's only got an old Thrustmaster rig. Rebecca: [Kaji] Did someone call my name? Dan: Rebecca gets excited by the word "thrustmaster." [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > He took a slow careful step forward. Tango: Look out for the dog's... Oh, never mind. Rebecca: He'd better wipe that off before he comes back in. > Misato, on the command deck, shook her head. Tsuneo: [Misato] I don't know these people. I have never met them before in my life. > " Toji, forget it. Stay there. Dan: [Misato] We'll call you a cab. > Shinji, support him. I don't want the... Urm... Angel..type...thingy Tsuneo: Even though he isn't here, the Avatar is busy draining their intelligence as we speak. Rebecca: It's an Angle, the Taiwanese knock-off Angel. > to knock him flat > before he has a chance to fight." She said. Toji nodded, his Eva copied the > movement, and in the confusion Toji fell over again. Dan: All right, get back up and try it again. Tsuneo: Yeah, this joke's getting pretty old already. > Misato, Ritsuko, and Shinji sighed simultaneously. Tsuneo: [Ruri] An idiot. > As Unit-03' stood up, Unit-01 moved back towards it Tango: Okay, this is the new play. Unit 03 falls over there. Unit 01 goes to help him, but then steals out to the right. Unit 00 stands still and looks scenic. > and Units 00' and 02 moved out into the outskirts. Dan: Hey, could they wreck that ugly new housing development while they're out there. > A moment later, a blue flash came from the creature, and it disappeared momentarily. Tsuneo: Thought so. It's sick of this one-joke fic too. > Misato redirected Unit's 00' and 02 to look for it. Tango: They couldn't see it because it was hiding in the park. It's holding a bush in front of its face. > Down in the fourteenth shelter, Dan: Nothing was happening. Sorry for wasting your time. Rebecca: Way down in deep thirteen. > Matt Blake beckoned to Mel, Rebecca: [Matt] Over here! I want to get some of that sweet loving! > who crawled over to the corner of the room, out of average earshot. > " Did you get the signal?" He asked. Dan: [Mel] Yeah, it said something about a Batcave. > Mel nodded, and handed Matt a camera, with the TV Aerial extended. > " Be careful. It's picky at the moment." She warned, just before Matt could > fiddle with the aerial. Tango: [Mel] It can only pick up channel Seven, but it cuts out when Futurama comes on. > " The picture's fuzzy." He mumbled. Mel made a quiet 'hmmpf' noise. Tsuneo: Well maybe if you stopped smearing vaseline on the lens. > " I'm not a wizard." She retorted. Rebecca: [Mel] You're the avatar, it's your job. Tango: [Mel] Damn it, I'm an extra, not a wizard! > " No, but you're not normal either." Matt replied. He looked down at the > screen. Dan: She's special. > As he watched, Unit-03' span on the spot from his viewer. Rebecca: It's the latest dance sensation. Tsuneo: Yeah, but where did the camera come from? > "Heh, heh, heh..." He said quietly, as he watched > the exact same video feed as NERV HQ through one of their own security cameras. Dan: I'd ask how he managed to do that, but he's a god boy so there's no point. Tango: Don't the security systems at Nerv use a shielded coaxial cable, meaning there is no signal to pick up? Dan: Well he picked it up anyway. > What seemed to Toji like hours, but was in fact only twenty > minutes, went by. Rebecca: [Toji] I need to pee. > The target was still not on radar, Tango: It's more than twenty yards away, so of course it's not on radar. > and Unit's 00' and 02 desperate running back and fourth around the city limits Tsuneo: What is this actually achieving? Rebecca: They're making an exercise video. > trying to find it had proved useless. Tango: You tried looking under the couch? You loose something and it's always under the couch. > Toji yawned noisily, and shook his head in an effort to keep awake. Dan: Yeah, NXE does that to us too. > " Ma'am. Toji's sync ratio is dropping." Maya said. Tango: He's been reading the fic too. > Misato open the Holo-Screen line. Rebecca: Now entering room #EvaGunClub > " Don't fall asleep." She ordered. All: Snooze... > " But all this silence and inactivity is boring." Toji replied, stifling > another yawn. Rebecca: No kidding. Tsuneo: Toji accurately represents the audience in this fic. Tango: What, falling over and going to sleep? > " Stay alert. It won't last forever." Dan: How do you know that? Who says it's coming back anyway? Tango: It defected to Nadesico, where it's getting a cameo as another disturbing EVA similarity. Rebecca: Can't we watch some Nadesico instead? Voice: Well, I could try and find some Nadesico fics for you... Rebecca: Forget it. > Misato ordered, and sure enough, she was right. Tango: Don't you know? Misato's always right. Except when she's wrong. > A deep red tendril sliced across Unit-03's back, Dan: That was an unexpected turn of events. Tsuneo: I thought it was Sachiel. He doesn't have tendrils. Tango: Yeah, but he activated the "all weapons" cheat. > and Toji screamed in pain as the Eva toppled forward. Rebecca: What a surprising turn of events. Dan: What, the sneak attack? Rebecca: No, Toji fell over. > The machine gun want off, and blasted a hole in the tarmac road, Tango: I suppose they'll never get around to fixing that one either. Dan: The RTA has red-flagged it. It'll be filled in four to six years. > before being dropped by Unit-03'. Unit-01 > span around to see the target retract it's tendril and reach down for Unit-03'. Tsuneo: I told yo he'd just be a liability. Rebecca: But never mind, no-one ever listens to you. > " No!" He cried, throwing the spear [They start chanting "Goldberg"] > like a javelin towards the target. The creature looked up, and it's tendril > shot out and sliced the end off, before retracting again. The two sections of > the spear fell with a clank beside Unit-03', Dan: Well that one worked. Tango: [Shinji] Can we have some *real* weapons now? Rebecca: Shinji needs a real weapon. > which was struggling to get up. The creature walked forward and > grabbed Unit-01 by the head. Dan: Not in the face, not in the face! > Unit-01 reached up and grabbed the arm, only to be lifted off of the floor. Tango: [Shinji] This seems all too familiar. > " Help!" Shinji shouted. Tsuneo: [Shinji] I'm being lifted off the floor even though it's outside! > The creature moved Shinji over to one side, and > looked at the approaching Unit-00', Dan: It's coming right for us! > which had responded to Shinji's cries. A bright red flash from the creatures > eyes ensured, and Unit-00' was blasted off of its feet Dan: Looks like Rei Ayanami's blasting off again. > by a huge blast of energy. The creature began attempting > to crush Unit-01's head. Rebecca: [Angel] Lo, I shall crush your head, thereby rendering you even more inferior to my glorious self! > Unit-03', however, managed to get back on it's feet. Rebecca: It's only an easy piloting skill roll, and he's got no gyro or actuator damage. > " No....." Toji began, picking up the metal pole end of the broken spear. Dan: [Toji] No... Must... Stop... Angel... From... Destroying... Tokyo! Tango: [Toji] Must... Stop... Talking... In... Sentence... Fragments! > With a huge show of strength, Tsuneo: He has the strength of madness! > he thrust the pole violently forward. Rebecca: This scene is seriously Freudian. > It smacked into the flesh at the side of the creature, and ripped through it. Dan: Toji's laying the smack down! Tsuneo: How can you use my intestines as a gift? > The > creatures right leg buckled slightly as It began straining under the weight on > it's injured hip. Tango: Since when did Toji get so good? Dan: I guess the Angel's going to be out for a few months. Rebecca: Yeah. It promises to retire, but it'll be back in six weeks. > Toji then picked up > the blade of the spear, and tried to reach round to get at the S2 core. Tsuneo: Dumb question, but what's Asuka doing at this point? Dan: Being unrealistically useless, no doubt. Rebecca: She's down at the pub having a stein. > The Eva's arm extended outward as Toji reached round, Tsuneo: Remembered that they said the EVA couldn't do that anymore, and collapsed in a mess of contradictions. > and the blade smashed with a crunch into the blue S2 core. It > began flashing and pulsating wildly. All: [Singing] Disco fever! Disco fever! Disco fever, yeah yeah yeah yeah! > " Get out of there! It's gonna explode!" Misato shouted. A red haze appeared > in front of Unit-01, Tango: Red mist! > before the > entire screen, and in fact, city, was engulfed in a huge ball of glowing blue > light. Tsuneo: Whoops. Just got that thing fixed. Rebecca: That's a really weird explosion effect. > There was a loud crash a few > second later. Misato stared up at the screen, and the bright light slowly faded > away. Dan: Wow. Trippy. > The bright light made Matt wince, Tango: [Matt] I never should have stayed out late last night. > and he only just covered the screen to stop other people noticing the feed. Dan [Matt]: Anyone finds out about this illegal cable feed I am soo dead. > " If that's not an angel, then what was..." Dan: Angel. Rebecca: Invador. Tsuneo: Demon. Tango: Huge black mushroom from the planet Wooble. > He asked Mel, who shrugged. Rebecca [Mel, chirpy]: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl. [Normal] I should kick her... > As the light faded, the screen in the command deck showed the > cityscape. Tango: When Sim City goes bad. > The metal and tarmac floor All: Ground. > was scarred and pitted slightly. On this ground lay Unit-01, and slightly > further away, Unit-00'. Dan: Someone needs to learn to pick up after themselves. Rebecca: That's rich coming from you. > Even further away, Eva Unit-03' was embedded in its Eva catapult, Rebecca: Graceful. > the metal spear pole jutting out of it's hip.. Tsuneo: That's going to leave a mark. Tango: He needs to get a holster for that thing. > " The Eva's...." Misato began, Dan: The city! Tsuneo: The plot! > never intending to finish the sentence. Tango: You should always finish what you sta... > That was, of course, just as well, > as Unit-01 and Unit-00' began stirring and scraping across the ground, Tsuneo [EVA-01]: Boy did I hit the hard stuff. > painfully standing up. Rebecca: Where is EVA-02 anyway? Dan: Its gone to Orguss 02 and is now appearing as Big Red. > They both looked over at Unit-03', which lay silent. Tango: Hey... let's poke him with Pungee sticks till he moves! > " Toji...." Dan: Catherine... Jonny... > Shinji said. A second later, the communication screen opened, Tango: You've got Mail. > and Toji's face, cut slightly, Rebecca: Great. Now Toji's got a trendy scar. > showed itself. > " Please tell me piloting's not as painful as that all the time...." He > said, a lopsided smile dominating his face. Dan: Okay, but I'd be lying. Tango: Just wait until you get to the psychoses. > Misato smiled in relief. Tsuneo: [Misato] I guess I earned my pay for the day. > Meanwhile, behind her, Commander Ikari smiled in satisfaction, Rebecca: As Ritsuko popped up from under the table. Dan: [Gendo] I have absolutely no idea what happened here, but it worked anyway. And has anyone seen unit 02? > though it was hidden by his carefully placed hands. Tango: Meaning we don't get to see it. The animation budget's safe! > 'The Unit-03' reproduction plan was a success. Rebecca: [Gendo] We've got a nursery full of 'em. > Even with minimal training, the pilot mastered Tango: Falling over. > destruction of an advanced angel based enemy. Tsuneo: Admit it, you don't know what it is either. Dan: [Gendo] No, but I'm not telling you that. > SEELE will not stand a chance against this many combat > effective Eva's.' He thought. Tsuneo: Wake me when an original development happens. Rebecca: If you can call what EVA-03 does "effective." Tango: Those mass production EVAs will be no match for Toji's falling over. > ' And with the Cyclone Model Evangelions, they don't even stand a prayer.' Dan: Nyuk, nyuk. Get it? Prayer? It's Evangelion? Oh, forget it. Rebecca: Yeah, but what are you going to do with EVA-14, the Golden EVA? Tango: Laugh at it? > Three hours later, the Eva recover crew eventually dug Unit-03' > out of the catapult, Dan: Yeah, couldn't you get the EVAs helping on that? Tsuneo: Depends. Where's unit 02? Tango: Touring Europe as Berlyn's new bodyguard. > much to Toji's distaste. Rebecca: If you'd paid attention during training, you wouldn't be in this situation. > The crew finally opened the entry plug hatch, Dan: Did you try turning the lever? Tango: Oh, yeah! Didn't think of that. > and the plug twisted out of position. Tsuneo: Don't they have equipment to do this back in the geofront? > The levered open > the top plate and the LCL drained around them. Toji climbed out slowly and > painfully. Dan: [Toji] I'm fine... It's a mere gash to the bone. Tango: Oh, my god, it's hideous! Er, there's nothing wrong, Toji. > " I did good, didn't I?" HE asked, and almost collapsed. All: No. > The medical support team led him to an ambulance, > where they saw to the large, feedback caused, gash in his side. Tsuneo: It doesn't actually happen like that... Oh, never mind. > " I Don't believe it! Even the Toji can do better than me!!!" Dan: Neither do we, but we have to put up with it. Rebecca: The Toji? Does he come in six packs now? Dan: That's a truly frightening concept. > Asuka screamed, Tsuneo: Hey, where did Asuka come from anyway? Tango: She arrived via floating island. She enjoyed watching Toji get pummeled into a heap. > and continued to complain and > rant as Maya hit the switch that muted her sound system. Rebecca: Since when did everyone mistreat the pilots like this? Dan: Since the authour decided he didn't like Asuka. > Misato shook her head in distaste at Asuka's actions. Tango: Like Misato can talk. Rebecca: And since when did Misato react like that? Dan: Since Asuka started being so ineffectual. > However, the first battle with Unit-03' had been a success, Tsuneo: I'm sure the city of Tokyo-3 would beg to differ. > and anyone who was possibly connected could be grateful. Dan: Apart from everyone who was killed in the massive explosion, that is. > At that very same moment, Millions of Miles away, several > advanced creatures 'sat' around a 'table', and began speaking. Rebecca: My god... it's the return of the Cruel Lina's Thesis Angel Naming Commitee! > Their high pitched, squeals would have been painful to any > human close enough to hear them. Dan: It's the *Popstars! > The first one spoke. Rebecca: [Squeaky] If I won the Miss America, I would, like, end world hunger and make the world a better place for babvy seals! > " Glac'trta screveti mikreen, timosisa cotolo'asoto floosenta. Lacheera > monoskaya fant'siria." Dan: Klatu verata niktu. Rebecca: Bah weep grah nah weep nini bong. Tsuneo: Deslagrate ruritempi et intervalium. Tango: You take that back, young man! > Is roughly the sound you would have heard, had you been there. Tango: But since we're not, we didn't. > That, however, translated to: Tsuneo: Help, help, get us out of this crappy fanfic. Dan: [Pinky] So Brain, what do you want to do tonight? Rebecca: [Brain] Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world. > " The first of our warriors has failed." The closest one to him responded, > also in the same language. Dan: I see he trained with Toji. > " That's what happens when you deploy a weapon that has already failed > once." Another commented. Rebecca: Well sorry, the budgetary cutbacks are really hurting us. > " There will be no more mistakes. There will be no more copies of failures. Tsuneo: We will not make a Highlander 4. Dan: Too late. > We deploy our own weapons now." Tango: Do we have any? Rebecca: Well, no. > The first ordered. The others agreed, and a 3D projection of the next appeared > in front of them, Dan: A really big Pokemon? The hell? > as the warmasters of the Skynyn race Tsuneo: Race of random consonants and no vowels. Dan: I've got a Synkyn feeling we'll regret this. Get it? Synkyn? Sinking? > developed their next weapon. > The Final Genesis of Mankind had begun. Tsuneo: Yeah yeah, been there, seen that. > Nice story, isn't it? :) All: No. > Comments? Queries? Suggestions? Rebecca: Tell you what... You take your little comments, queries and suggestions, roll them up into a ball, shine it up real nice, then stick it straight up your candy ass! > E-Mail me @ This Address [Dan and Rebecca nod to each other and stand. they each grab Tango by a foot and swing him in a massive arc, drivng his head through the TV. They set him down again.] Tsuneo: Are you alright there, Tango? Tango: It was curiously refreshing. Dan: Come on, you know that wouldn't phase him. Tango: Yes indeedy, it's all fine now, Fred. Dan: Er, I think. Voice: Can I have some reviews before he becomes even more incoherent? Dan: I really, really, seriously hated the new characters. I mean, first you've got Matt who couldn't be any more downright obnoxious and loathsome if he tried. He relentlessly bugs Asuka, he yells at everyone and so on. Then there's Mel, who's just so pointless that it defies description. Basically she's only there to hang around Matt and probably shack up with him in a later chapter. She's so lame. Tsuneo: The awful characterisation really got to me, especially Asuka. She's been reduced to total helplessness and ineffectuality. True most of the time she's characterised as just one-dimensionally bitchy, but that wasn't even the case here. She just sat and fumed and let everyone walk all over her. Tango: Well I guess it was a bit of a trade-off. On one hand we had to put up with the antics of some moronic avatar. On the other hand they relieved us of Asuka in the second half of the fic. Win-lose I guess. Rebecca: I was going to comment on the writing, but I was totaly thrown by the sudden arrival of the Angel Naming Committee. The whole idea that a race of aliens living in space are sending giant monsters to terrorise Tokyo is so Power Rangersesque that I'm having trouble not bursting out laughing right here and now. The end result is that I'll never be able to take any further chapters of this fic seriously. Dan: So now that we've got all these neat ideas about WCW, how are we going to implement them? Tango: Well, we obviously need to take over the company first. Rebecca: Can't be too hard. Dan, what have you got in your pocket? Dan: Um... A five buck note, some loose coins, a bottle cap and a piece of string. Rebecca: That'll do. Dan: What if they don't want to sell? Tango: We'll broadcast Die Wall matches until they do! We'll repeatedly show him throwing Crowbar off high places until their brains melt. Dan: Er, they've already done that. Tango: Oh. Well, more! Tsuneo: [Shakes head] Hopeless. Tango: Come on! We can clip together a "Best of the Wall" tape right now! Rebecca: Five seconds later... [They wander out. The screen goes blank] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) and Twin Cannon (ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2000 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. The Evacorp Network: evacorp.cyril.com One of the largest Eva sites in the world, contains a thousand and one reasons why stories like this are utterly impossible evafiction.animecenter.com More EVA fanfics than you can poke a stick at. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > " Glac'trta screveti mikreen, timosisa cotolo'asoto floosenta. Lacheera > monoskaya fant'siria."