Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's episode 87! It's Tango Time! It's part two of Cyclone project! Whoopeeee. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II: The Cyclone Project is copyright Evander@McMail.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with a tattered plastic Christmas tree lying on the ground next to it.] [Dan enters carrying a massive cardboard box. He nearly trips over the tree and eventually sets the box down on the coffee table.] Dan: Damn, this thing's heavy. [Rebecca and Tsuneo enter. Rebecca accidentally steps on the tree] Rebecca: What have you got there? Dan: It's a box that I picked up for Rick. Tsuneo: Say, where is he? Dan: Oh no... [The window opens from the outside. Tango clambers in then shuts the window behind him] Tango: Boy is the front door of this place hard to get into or what? Tsuneo: Er... That's the window. Tango: And? Tsuneo: Well, the front door's over there. Tango: That's not the front entrance! That's a door! Tsuneo: Never mind. Rebecca: Say, what is in that box anyway? Dan: Let me see... [He rips open the box] Oh wow! It's the third wave of EVA action figures! Tango: Oooh! Me want some! Tsuneo: SO what have they thought up this time? Dan: Let's see... [He picks one up out of a box] "Tomb Raider DJ Croft with Two Guns Blazing Action". [Rebecca takes the box] Rebecca: And disturbingly tight shorts. [She throws it over her shoulder] Tsuneo: What else? Dan: OK... [Picks up another one] "Spacesuit Tom Dyron with Reality Distortion Action". Tango: That makes sense. I think. Dan: Right. Okay. [He puts down the box and picks up another one] And this is Jon Barren. Tsuneo: Any action features? Dan: No, but it's Special. Tsuneo: How so? Dan: It says so right here on the box. Tsuneo: I shouldn't have asked. Tango: I think that one will end up in the "Special" bin in the shops. Rebecca: You got that right, Slappy. [She throws the box aside] Anything else? Dan: Let's see... We get two Charles in a box. There's normal quiet Charles and Deranged Commando Charles. Tsuneo: I can't see any difference between the two figures. Rebecca: Look [She takes the box] Deranged Commando Charles has twin 45mm silencers. [She throws the box away] Tsuneo: Silly me. Tango: Is that all? Dan: Well, they've also got a whole slew of figures from the Good Life. Tango: Let me at them! [He grabs figures at random from the box] Rebecca: What have you got? Tango: Let's see... There's one of Rachel with Realistic Sugar Buzz action, Eva Otagi with Like Me action- Rebecca: How in blazes does that work? Dan: I dunno, but I like it. All: ... Tango: Aaanyway... They've also got an Instant Authority Theresa in here. And a Fade-Out Isamu. Tsuneo: fade-out Isamu? Rebecca: Given how he faded right out of the story, it makes sense. So how does it work? Tango: Um... Let's see. Flip a switch and the colour fades from the figure. Rebecca: How do you get it back to normal? Tango: Um... You... Don't. Tsuneo: Not that anyone would want to. Dan: [Takes a figure from the box] They've got one of Anne, to. It's a "Talking Anne" figure. Hey look, it comes with a Rei figure. Tsuneo: Serious? Dan: Yeah. It says on the box that they interact. Rebecca: Give it a try. [They break open the packet, and Dan hands the Rei figure to Tsuneo. They switch them on.] Anne figure: ... Rei figure: ... Anne figure: ... Rei figure: ... Rebecca: Thrilling conversation. Anne figure: ... Rei figure: ... Tango: I'm waiting for the sequel. Anne figure: ... Rei figure: I am not a doll. Tsuneo: Huh? Rebecca: I like it. Tango: I've also got a Cindy figure. With "Lifelike Suggestive Action." Dan: I'm keeping this one [He takes the figure from Tango] Rebecca: Hang on... There's still something in there. [She pulls out a rather large boxed set] Tango: So, what is it? Rebecca: It's the "Good Life Beauty Pageant Set." Tango: So, what is it? Rebecca: Um... basically, it's a stage with a whole lot of ridiculously Beautiful Good Life figures in it. Tango: So, what is it? Rebecca: It's got Theresa, Anne, Rachel, Cindy, Eva Otagi... And Isamu? Tsuneo: Huh? Why Isamu? Dan: I guess he's just that much of a little girly. Tsuneo: What an array of uselessness. Dan: Hold on, there's still one down the bottom. [He pulls a figure out of the box] Hey, it's Matt! From Cyclone project. Rebecca: Do tell. Dan: It's got "Retractable claws and destructive action." Rebecca: So how does that work? Dan: I don't know. [Dan unpacks the Matt figure and squeezes its legs. The beauty pageant playset bursts into flames.] Tsuneo: That does make sense in a sick kind of way. Tango: And I want to keep it. [Tsuneo picks up the box] Tsuneo: That looks like about it. Rebecca: [Pulls a figure from the box] No wait, there's still Mel. Tsuneo: How could we forget Mel? All: Very easily. Dan: So what does this figure do? Rebecca: Um... It's got "Collapsible Spine action," so it just folds up and let Matt walk all over it. Tango: How thoroughly useless. [They dump all the figures on the table] Voice: I couldn't agree more. Rebecca: Oh, hi there, Head Cheese. Dan: Half the charisma and none of the appeal. Tango: The wrong half of the charisma. Voice: Fine. Whatever. Dan: We're getting to him. Tsuneo: Is that a good thing? Voice: Depends. Since I'm in a bad mood, I'm sending you the second chapter of Cyclone Project. Tango: And if you were in a good mood? Voice: Well... you still would have gotten it. Dan: Uh-huh. Nice try, voice. [They sit - Dan and Tango on the forwards couch, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the sideways one.] Tango: I can't remember what happened in the last part, but I don't think it matters. [The screen lights up] > Genesis 1:02 - Betrayal > [({ For future reference, all speech in [ ] marks is in English, and not > Japanese })] > [({ Also for future reference, all words in { }marks denote my thoughts, which > are mainly used to help the descriptions })] Dan: So when it's in three sets of brackets like that, what is it? Tsuneo: Pointless. Tango: Oh, no! The authour's writing their thoughts into the story! > Five lights, each a different colour, appeared around the > conference table. Rebecca: Hey look, it's the Seele disco. > Shrouded in individual lights, > five men sat around the table. One of them, bathed in white light, Dan: So how many plains does he control? > pushed a button, and a nearby door opened in > the blackness. A person walked in, and the door shut again. Dan: Of course we couldn't see it. Tango: He promptly tripped over the unlit table. > " Did you find the report...?" The arrival was asked by the person shrouded > in the white light. Tsuneo: I couldn't find it, it's kind of dark. > " Not the one I was asked tnd." Rebecca: However, I have found Yui's secret sauce recipe. Tango: You just leave mayonnaise out in the sun for two hours. Everyone knows that. > " So we still have no information concerning this, Cyclone Project?" The one > in the yellow light asked. Dan: Even Gendo didn't know anything about it. And he was in charge. > " No. However, I did find information on the new Unit-03'." The person > replied. Tsuneo: It's black and white, and really tall. We think. And not red at all. > " The new Unit-03'?" The one in white light asked. Rebecca: It's pretty much the same except with more leg room. > " Yes, NERV has reconstructed Unit-03', Tango: How much crazy glue and double-sided tape did they use? Dan: Not as much as on your skull. > and records seem to show that it was cloned from it's dead original, > rather than its cell templates in the base." The one in the red light said. Dan: Apparently the clone donor was a mister P. Parker. > " Why would they use the contaminated source rather than the pure source?" > The one in the green light asked. Tango: Because it has those eleven secret herbs and spices. Tsuneo: They lost the originals. > " Gendo Ikari is not a fool. Dan: Not with most writers, that is. > He must have some form of motivation to use an impure cell template." The one in > white said. He turned to the figure in the shadows. Rebecca: [Sinister] It must be a conspiracy! Duh-dum! > " What else did you uncover on Unit-03'?" He asked. Tango: It makes a kind of funny noise when you hit it. > " Aside from the fact it now possesses an S2 organ, nothing. Rebecca: All of a sudden, I have a vision of Toji telling us to check out his "mighty organ." > No confidential weapons files, no special > equipment listings, no nothing." Was the reply. Tsuneo: Not even a wandering monster table. Some cheat book! > " Nothing...?" The one in white asked. > " Nothing." The other confirmed. Dan: Nothing? Tsuneo: Nothing. Rebecca: Nothing? Tango: Nothing. Voice: All right, enough of that. > " There is something. Tsuneo: Soylent Green is made of people. Tango: It is? What have I been eating? > However, it is probably not on paper, nor will ever be > on paper." The one in white stated. Dan: I guess the paperless office is finally a reality. > " Then we must find out using other means." The one in red responded. Tsuneo: They'll use... a spy! Rebecca: What will they think of next? > " What other means could we use? Tango: Let's see... Bug their communications systems, abduct and interrogate the staff, replace their personnel with double agents, or even crawl around in the air ducts and listen. > Ikari is no fool." The one in white asked. Dan: Not how he's written here. > " It has already been taken care of. Rebecca: So why were you asking? Tsuneo: he likes to show how superior he is. > We have provided a link with Unit-04. Tsuneo: Did you get all the html links right? Last time I checked, this place was full of broken " A repeat of the fifth child ploy?" The one in blue contemplated. Tsuneo: That was no ploy, that was the end of the world. which we seem to have handily forgotten about. > " We no longer have access to Adam." The one in yellow stated. > " If we cannot use Adam, we will use our agent in America." The one in red > said. The others nodded and murmured in agreement. Dan: What, a guy with a really big telescope? Tsuneo: No offence, but I think there's a big difference between the First Angel and James Bond. > " Very well. Our agent in America will be dispatched. Rebecca: And make sure you put sufficient postage on him this time! > The meeting is adjourned." The one in white said. At > that moment, every single light faded into nothingness, Tango: Could someone fix that fuse? > and the person in the shadows left. Dan: Don't mind -ow!- me, I can find my own -ow!- way out. Ow! > At the same time, Tsuneo: Stuff happened. > The last school bell of the day rang and children began to make there way back to > there respective homes. Tango: [Kensuke] Hey Toji, I'm going to camp out in a field and take pot-shots at passing vehicles. Wanna join me? > Matt walked out of the school and to the bike locks, Tsuneo: Let me guess, he's got a Harley. > to be confronted by three teenagers, all about 15. Dan: Oh look! It' generic gang activity! > The tallest among them had a short crop of black hair, > and an aggressive sneer. The other to looked pretty much the same, Rebecca: You can tell that the character designer is really running out of ideas. > except one had a scar above his right eye, Dan: So he's being menaced by Kaneda, Mackie and Squall. > and the other was holding a > knife. The tallest spoke. > " You know, we don't like English people." He said. The other two sneered in > agreement. Dan: I thought he was American? Tango: [Gang member] You are? Oh. Sorry for bothering you. > " And that means...what to me?" Matt asked, unbothered by the three. Tsuneo: [Gang member] Oh, nothing. We just wanted to point it out > " And when we don't like something, we trash it." The one with the scar > finished. Tango: Hey, do they want a job as fanfic reviewers? > " Shouldn't you trash useless junk like yourselves?" Matt asked, his temper > beginning to get the better of him. Dan: [Matt] Duh, I made a funny. > " That wasn't very friendly." The one with the knife sneered. Tsuneo: So these are redneck Japanese hick punks? Rebecca: Hey it's the Jung Dragons. I was wondering why one of them had a Zorro mask. > " You three idiots aren't either." Matt responded. Rebecca: Well I aren't either, are you? > " You shouldn't be callin' us 'Idiots'. Dan: Pot. Kettle. > Idiots is people that get themselves into fights they can't hope to win." Tsuneo: About now they might realise something's gone wrong. > " And you aren't Idiots, because...... ?" Matt asked. Tango: [Matt] Whoops, my vocabulary's spontaneously run dry. > Those words were the last in the conversation, and the three others moved. Dan: Badly dubbed gang, attack! Tsuneo: [Gang member] We're going to leave ourselves open to a ridiculously contrived stupid avatar move. > They circled Matt so that he was in the centre of a triangle formation, Rebecca: It would be rather silly if he was in the middle of a square formation, since there's only three of them. > the knife wielder > behind and to his right, the scarred behind and to his left, and the tallest > in front. Tango: I hope you're getting all this down. It will be on the test. > They made occasional growling noises. Tsuneo: Showing their inarguable intelligence and sophistication. Rebecca: I hope he's had his shots. > To make sure their presence there was known. Rebecca: Their buttocks also swelled, indicating readiness to mate. > The tall person in front of Matt spoke. Dan: Meng smash puny avatar! > " Time for you to pay for you're ignorance." He said. Tsuneo: That's funny from the guy who can't use an apostrophe properly. > The guy leapt foreword with his arms outreached, trying > to get Mat in a rugby style tackle. Tango: Spear! Spear! > Unfortunately, Matt had already moved over and the guy smacked head first > into the ground. Rebecca: Well that worked. Tsuneo: Leaving his back defenseless to the other two. Dan: [Badly dubbed] Hah! You kung fu! Is pig dung! > Matt turned around and looked at the three, who were going to move again. Rebecca: First rule of martial arts movies. The bad guys always attack only one at a time. > However, Matt's quick thinking stopped them. Dan: It only took three weeks. > His hand flashed downward to a pocket in his jacket, Rebecca: I don't think this is either the time or the place. > and when it came out and > leveled the three were looking down the barrel of a Colt.45 Pistol. Tsuneo: Oh, boy. Someone tell me why I should be surprised that he carries a howitzer with him. Tango: I hope that thing's registered. > " He..he...hey! Take it easy!" The one with the knife stammered. Dan: [Gang member] We're sorry! We're sorry! > " Ye..Yeah!" The one with the scar agreed. > " Any of you three bother me again, and I'll splatter you're brains all over > the damned floor." Matt said, Tango: [Matt] And then I'll make you clean them up, and you'll really regret that. Dan: Say Matt, where did you keep that gun? Rebecca: [Max the bunny] None of your damn business. > menacingly curling his finger over the trigger. One of the three literally > pissed himself, and the three turned tail and ran. Tsuneo: Wow. So macho. > Matt lowered the pistol and ejected the clip. He looked inside, Dan: [Matt, reading] You may already be a winner. Say... > to find that it was empty. Rebecca: [Matt] Damn bullets, now where did they get to? Tango: [Mel] I wondered what those crunchy treats in the lunch box were. > " Good. No ammo in the clip. If there was they'd have been screwed when I > pulled the trigger." Dan: Yeah, they'd laugh themselves to death at your horrible aim. > He mumbled quietly to himself, before getting his bike and leaving. Tsuneo: [Matt] Lousy rotten gang, don't know why I put them in this fic. Rebecca: Of course, if he really was English he wouldn't have a gun. Or gotten it through customs for that matter. > At the same time, in Commander Ikari's office, Gendo was mulling Dan: [Gendo] Mull. Mull, mull, mull. Mull. > over the original cyclone report Ritsuko gave him, Rebecca: He'd been correcting all the spelling errors. > when she entered his office. He had, of course, been expecting her. Rebecca: [Ritusko] Say, is that an N2 mine in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Dan: [Gendo] Actually, it is. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Kinky. > " Yes, Doctor Akagi?" He asked, not even looking up. She coughed uneasily > for a moment, hesitated, and then began. Tango: [Ritsuko] Ahem, you might want to, ahem put something, ahem on. > " I have the report that you wanted on the third and fourth Cyclone > Evangelions." Tsuneo: Oh wonderful, still more pointless new characters. > She said. She placed a > folder on his table. Gendo picked it up and took out two photographs. Dan: Is this just going to be a replay of the prologue? > The first, a photograph labeled 'Specimen C' Rebecca: Although we prefer to think of her as "Miss July" > was of a human male, red eyed and tall, floating in an LCL tube. Tsuneo: Well that's a wonderful description. Tango: [Stoned] Hey man, come on in! The LCL's fine! > Two feathered wings sprouted from his back from near his shoulders, Tsuneo: Yet another generic angel-winged human. Sigh... > and the tips of them brushed against the tops and sides of the tube. Dan: Can you let me out? It's kinda cramped in here. Tango: That stuff's going to do wonders for his feathers. > The second photograph, labeled 'Specimen D', Dan: Hey, check out those specimen double D's. > was also of a tall human male. Kind of. Tsuneo: What do you mean, kind of? Rebecca: Look down and answer me. > The person in the photo had > grown an extra set of arms from his shoulder blades, expanding his shoulders > hugely. Dan: Hey, it's Goro! I wondered where he's been all these years. Tsuneo: Let's see you hide that mutation. Rebecca: We'll get you a very big trenchcoat. > " The alteration's..." Gendo prompted. Tango: Do you like them? I did them myself. Rebecca: It's amazing what you can do with photoshop these days. > " Are unfortunately larger than the original two's. Those children cannot be > hidden among the other school children." Ritsuko finished. Tsuneo: Gee, I never would have guessed. > " I see. " Gendo said > " We will require a private screened tutor for their educational needs." > Ritsuko stated. Gendo made an uncommitted and uninterested grunt. Dan: Oh look, I can see his brains dribbling out his ear. > "What about the medical status of the other two?" He asked. Rebecca: Mel's done her knee out and will probably be out for a couple of months. And Matt's got a groin strain and a sprained wrist. > "Specimen A has no problems. Tsuneo: You obviously haven't met him. > Specimen B's wings are growing at a rapid rate, probably to compensate for > the underdeveloped growth while in Genetic Crossing." Rebecca: I think Matt's the one compensating for undeveloped growth. > " Which means.....?" Dan: Not much really. Rebecca: At least a ten point distinctive features flaw. Tsuneo: We're wasting time with unnecessary babble. > " That means that keeping her in public and unidentifiable will soon become > as impossible Tango: Why? No-one notices her anyway. She could probably walk around stark- naked and painted bright red and no-one would notice her. Dan: I would. > as doing it with Specimens 3 & 4." Rebecca: Thus leaving no-one around to keep Matt in check. Great. > " I see. Very well doctor, that will be all.." Gendo said. Ritsuko, feeling > unsure and uneasy for no good reason, Rebecca: [Ritsuko] That's the story of our relationship, isn't it? > left Commander Ikari's office to let Gendo ponder over his new information. Dan: [Gendo] Seven letter word meaning "rhombus," starts with a Q... I think I've done this wrong. > At a secret military airport a few miles from NERV's Geofront Tsuneo: Is this where they keep the Batplane? > entrances, A single figure disembarked Rebecca: [DJ Croft] Well this is a happening city, I can tell from here. > from an Eva Transport plane, and looked around. He was about average height, > had a slight tan, 'spiky' black hair, Tango: Look at me, I'm so cool, people. Revel in my glory. Whoah. > and wore sunglasses over his brown eyes. He also wore a crimson shirt and > black jeans. Rebecca: My god... It's EVA Pilot Throwaway! > Picking up a small bag by his side, he wondered off towards the main buildings. Tsuneo: Twenty says he gets lost in the terminal. Dan: Hey, is that Mike and Bruce? > Two men, wearing black suits and sunglasses Tsuneo: Oh no, it's the strangely useless yet completely omniscient MiBs. Dan [MiB]: Pink, with little blue bears. > walked over to the boy sitting on one of the seats in the terminals. Rebecca: This has got to be the most generic scene in all of EVA fiction. > One of them checked a photograph quickly, Tango: [MiB] Let's see, blond hair, blue eyes, really big... I think we're in the wrong place. > before speaking. > " Michael Sears?" He asked. The boy looked up from the book he was reading. Dan: [Boy] What would you do if I said no? > " Yup." He answered. > " We have been sent by NERV intelligence to bring you to headquarters. Tsuneo: [Michael] And here I thought you were just the valet parking. > Come > with us." One of the men said. The boy packed away his book and picked up his bag. Rebecca: If that book has anything to do with the Titanic, I'll shoot someone. > " What about the Eva?" He asked. Dan: What about the EVA? Tsuneo: [MiB] We'll send a truck around to pick it up eventually. > " That will be dealt with." The other man said, before the three walked out > to the back car used by NERV intelligence, Tango: Don't they figure that black cars are the most conspicuous? Why not drive a white car, or a combi-van or something. > and drove to the Geofront. > A while later, the first four children, Rei, Shinji, Toji and Asuka, Dan: Wow, Asuka's allowed to appear. Last I recall, she'd gone AWOL. > accompanied by Misato, sat by a table in the Geofront lounge area. Rebecca: [Misato] I got four aces. Tango: [Toji] What? I've got five! > " So, who is it exactly that we're going to meet here?" Asuka asked. > " I told you before, we're meeting the pilot of Unit-04 here." Tsuneo: [Shinji] Is this whole fic going to be introductions? > Misato said, slightly annoyed that Asuka wouldn't shut up. Dan: Remember: The authour doesn't like her, so we aren't allowed to either. > " Oh. OK." Asuka said, and went back to concentrating on Dan: The spoon she was trying to bend with the power of her mind. > the small can of drink in front of her. Tsuneo: [Asuka] This is the only thing that respects me any more. Rebecca: [Asuka] They may mock me now, but soon... They'll all pay. > " How much longer do we have to wait?" Toji asked, desperately trying not to > fall asleep. Dan: [Toji] Are we there yet? Tsuneo: [Misato] No. Dan: [Toji] Are we there yet? Tsuneo: [Misato] No. Dan: [Toji] Are we there yet? Tsuneo: [Misato] No. Dan: [Toji] Are we there yet? Tsuneo: [Misato] It's a room! We're not going anywhere! Shut up! [Long pause] Dan: [Toji] Are we there yet? > Two NERV intelligence members walked into the room, Tango: It's Big Ron and Heavy D! > followed closely by Michael Sears. Rebecca: [Val Venis] Helllooo ladies! > The five at the table looked up at them. > " This is the pilot." Tsuneo: You reckon? > The NERV intelligence officers said, before turning > round and leaving. Mike Sears stared at the other four pilots, Dan: [Mike] Does it bug you when I do this? Tango: [Rei] That's my schtick. > and then at Misato. Rebecca: And kept *on* staring at Misato. > Misato, Asuka, Toji and Rei returned the stare, but Shinji lowered > his head and looked at the table. Tsuneo: Is it just me, or has everyone's characterisation been reduced to the lowest common denominator? Rebecca: Die! Dan: Boobs! Tango: Wooble! Tsuneo: Forget it. > " Uh... Hi. Mike Sears." Mike nervously introduced himself, slowly putting > his hand out. Rebecca: [Misato] Hmm, four fingers and a thumb. I suspected as much. Tango: What, was it on fire or something? > Misato slowly stood up and shook it. Rebecca: [Misato] Eew, it's all sticky. > " Major Katsuragi, you're commanding officer. Dan [Mike]: I'm the commanding officer? Cool. > You can call me Misato." Misato replied, quicker and more > enthusiastically than she had stood up. She began vigorously shaking his hand. Tango: There's something wrong here... but I can't quite figure it out. Dan [Mike]: Nice view from here. > After a moment, she stopped. > " This is Asuka." Misato said, Dan [Misato]: Queen of Blades and conqueror of the Protoss. > indicating the fiery redhead who had returned to staring at her drink can. Tsuneo: I think she's got her priorities right. Rebecca: For some people, life is exciting enough. > " Huh?" Asuka said, confused. She looked up. " Oh, yeah. Hi." She said, and > returned her concentrating to her drink can once again. Dan [Asuka, bored]: Wow. I'm so thrilled to meet you. > " She's the pilot of Unit-02." Misato continued. Asuka looked up. Rebecca: [Asuka] How does you feel to be in the presence of greatness? Dan [Mike]: I feel... Rebecca [Asuka]: It doesn't matter how you feel! > " That's right! I'm the pilot of Unit-02 and I'm the best pilot!" Rebecca [Asuka]: And there's only two things you can do about it: nothing, and like it! > Asuka shouted, standing up, whatever blocking her confidence now gone. Tsuneo: Hmm... Given that EVA-00 is intact, Tokyo-3 is intact and Asuka is still piloting EVA-02, she clearly hasn't had her breakdown. So why wouldn't she be her normal overconfident, overbearing self? Dan: With a more competent authour, yes. > Toji giggled, trying to restrain himself from laughing at her and her statement. Tsuneo: And promptly didn't get yelled at. > Misato pointed to Rei. > " This is Rei." She said. Rei stared at Mike for a moment, before ignoring > him and staring out the window. Misato continued. " She pilots Unit-00'." Rebecca: [Misato] Don't worry about her, we all treat her as scenery. > Mike gave a slight nod. Misato then pointed to Toji. Dan: [Misato] Look at that. Isn't it ridiculous? Maybe it will leave if we all laugh at it. Tango: [Misato] We're not sure what that is, but it followed us home. > " This is Toji, the pilot of Unit-03' Toji nodded. Rebecca: [Misato] If his arm comes off, tell us. > Misato pointed to Shinji. > " And this is Shinji, the pilot of Unit-01." Shinji didn't even look up. Dan: [Misato] But don't worry about him, it's not like he's going to do anything around here. > Mike nodded slowly, and looked at the back of Shinji's head for a moment, Tango: [Mike] He's kind of hairy for a kid. Tsuneo: [Misato] That's the back of his head. Tango: [Mike] Oh. Whoops. > before Misato turned him around. Rebecca: [Misato] Alright, that's enough excitement for one day. Everyone, go home. > " Anywise, We've gotta get you to Ritsuko for a sync test!" Tango: [Misato] Quick Robin, to the EVA cage! > She said cheerfully, leading him away. Asuka got > up and followed. Then Rei. Then Toji. And finally Shinji followed as well. Dan: This is *so* riveting. > The five children sat in Eva respective test plugs, Rebecca: Wouldn't it be funny if they swapped them all around for a joke? > labeled 00 through 04, Tsuneo: As one would expect. > while their readings were > monitored by Misato, Ritsuko and several members of the technical crew. Dan: [Misato] Well according to this, Rei, you're clinically dead. Rebecca: [Rei] I noticed. > Mike Sears' synchronization was > fairly good in comparison to the other synchronization's, All: Of course. Tsuneo: Heaven forbid the new character has only a normal sync rate. > and Toji's synchronization was now at about 93%, after extensive training. All: Authour's pet! Tsuneo: And that's pretty impressive from the guy who's yet to master walking. > " He's performing well." Misato commented. > " Yes, he is." Ritsuko agreed. She regarded the readouts with suspicion. > High readings on an initial pilot was strange. Tango: But everyday in fanfics. I'm just surprised it's not something like 136%. > At least it wasn't the perfect synchronization like that of Kaworu, so > him being an Angel was fairly unlikely. Tsuneo: Toji being an Angel? That would be just too stupid. And kind of underachieving. Rebecca: But not totally unexpected from this fic. > On the holo-screen, Mike opened his eyes and stared out at Misato and > Ritsuko, Dan [Mike]: Mmmm... Babes... > the stare accompanied by a strange smile. Tsuneo: Can you say "set up"? > It really freaked Misato out, becaue it reminded her of Kaworu's stare. Rebecca: I'd thought that would freak out Shinji even more. > She shook her head. [They all make rattling noises] > " All right children, that enough testing. You can go now." Misato said. The > test plugs twisted backwards Tango: Does that mean they now contain Satanic messages? > to the gangway and opened. > " Sir, are you sure this is wise?" All: No. Tsuneo: But since Gendo's such a moron here, it doesn't really matter. > Ritsuko said. She and Gendo > stood in the Eva test chamber control room, Rebecca: Wow. Great view from up here. > looking over Unit-00'. Dan: First, we'll drop the suspension, put in a new engine, add some chrome detailing and a quad exhaust. After that I'll do the interior all in leather, and paint some hot flame details on the side. > It was midnight, and no other NERV personnel were present. Tsuneo: Not even the janitor? Tango: I didn't know that NERV stops after hours. Good thing angels only attack 9 to 5. > " Absolutely doctor. I trust that Unit-00' will be kept under control." Rebecca: Well that sounds like a set-up to me. > " You got it!" A voice replied from the entry plug comm system. Ritsuko > sighed. Dan [Ritsuko]: I want my release. > Attempting to synchronize > Unit-00' with the first Cyclone child was insane enough, Rebecca: But that's OK, because the kid is as well. > but to do it in absolute secrecy was nigh on impossible. Tsuneo: You mean those pesky reporters have gotten in here again? > Unfortunately, their was no way around it. Gendo would not change his mind, but > if Unit-00' went berserk, Dan: It'll get on "World's Worst Bloopers" volume MMXVI. Tango: The price of eggs in China will skyrocket. Tsuneo: It'd be rather predictable. Rebecca: But kind of fun, though. > then the cover project would be blown. Tsuneo: Big whoop. Worse mess-ups have occurred at NERV without anyone noticing. > Ritsuko sighed. There was no other way. She > sat down at the nearest control panel. Rebecca: Go on Ritsuko, press the big red button... you know you want to. > " Begin." Gendo ordered. Ritsuko nodded, and began typing in commands. Tsuneo: "Format c: /s" > " Initiating primary contact. Dan: Pre-heating the oven. > Linking Pilot to Unit-00'." Tango: Grinding the basil and adding the parmesan cheese. > Gendo nodded. Tsuneo: -off. > " Good." He nodded. > " Pulse and Harmonics normal. Dan: Big green light is green. Tango: They're definitely there. > Synch is Green." Ritsuko continued. Tsuneo: Wow. It goes off perfectly the first time and with a dangerously unstable unit as well. Who'd have thought? > " Moha!!" Dan: Keanu Reeves is Cyclone Child One! Tsuneo: 'Moha?' What the hell is Moha? > The shout came form the Entry plug comm system. This time, Gendo > sighed. Tsuneo [Gendo]: I'm convinced. Pump in the nerve gas. > " All nerve links connected. Rebecca: HTML fragments checked. > No abnormalities in CNS. Rebecca: Although there is a yellow stain on the plugsuit. Tango: There is a CRC error in the file. We won't be able to unpack these WareZ until tomorrow. > Items 1 through 2590 have been cleared. Dan: Poor Matt's had to stay back and write out "I will not be an omnipotent god boy" Three thousand times. > 1.8 until borderline." Tsuneo: This fic's pretty borderline as is. > Ritsuko continued. Gendo nodded. Tsuneo: Tsuneo barfed. > " 1.6." > " 1.4." Dan: Wow, the Bulgarian judge is being really harsh today. > " 1.0." > " 0.7." Tsuneo: There is only one 0.7. > " 0.4." > " 0.2 until borderline." > " Borderline clear. Rebecca: CLEAR! Whoa! Almost lost it there. > Pilot and Eva synchronized. Rating: 250%. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] He's turned into LCL. We've lost another one. Dan: [Gendo] We lose more uberkids that way. > Minimal synchronization fluctuations." Tango: Flip-flop blips coming in at four quzzleblats per snozwanger. > Ritsuko finished. > " You see? Piss easy! Dan: Piss off. > Now give me something hard to do." Tsuneo: You could try being a civilised human being. That's pretty hard for you. Rebecca: OK then, stand on one leg while wearing rollerblades, balancing a tea-cup on your nose and reciting Hamlet with a ferret in your pants. Tango: I've done that. It's no biggie. > The pilot commented. On that word, the hydraulic shoulder locks disengaged. Dan: Oh look... there's a "Berserk" button on the control panel. I did wonder. Tsuneo: Not that the pilot's got control over the clamps. > " We don't have time for that. Get back in position and shut that unit down. > We have other business to attend > to." Gendo said. Unit-00' stepped forward, and brought it's right hand up. > Clenching it's fist, the Eva raised it's middle finger Rebecca: Great... EVA-00 is channeling the spirit of Steve Austin. > to the two people standing in the control box, before taking a > step back and standing back in it's original position. > " Oh, all right then." The pilot replied. Dan [Matt]: You're no fun anymore. > The hydraulic locks clamped down onto the Eva's shoulders and Unit-00' shut down. Rebecca: Guess those Double Strength Heat Sinks just weren't enough. > The entry plug hatch opened, and the entry plug twisted back > into the loader. > " And because of Second Impact, the economy of the planet......." Tsuneo: Welcome to Generic EVA scene #43. > The Teacher of class 2-A rambled on about second impact, as usual. Tsuneo: Mutter, grumble, mutter. Rebecca: Be fair. It's not like he ever said anything else in the series. > Most of the class was ignoring him, either daydreaming, Dan: Mmm... Kimberly Page... > or talking, or in the case > of Matt Blake, listing to Rammstein for the 8th time. Dan: Reckon he's shoved his musical tastes down our throats enough yet? > As the CD came to a stop on track 10, {and not track 25 } Rebecca: And this is important because? > Matt finally turned of the discman and laced it back in his bag. He turned to > face Toji. Tango: [Matt] Hey, you want to blow this pop stand? Dan: [Toji] I dunno, I reckon if I hang around here long enough, I'll get an education. Or something like that. > " It's all a little quiet, don't you think?" Matt asked, his grin showing an > evil glint. Tsuneo: Gee sorry, there are people in this room trying to be good students. > " It is..." Toji replied, returning the smile. Rebecca: [Toji] My brains have been sucked out. I have no free will. I must lackey to the god boy. > " How d'ya think we should, oh, disturb things?" Tsuneo: No, this is disturbing enough already. > " I have a brilliant Idea." Toji said. He whispered his plan into Matt's > ear. Tango: [Matt] We steal a nuclear bomb and hold the world to ransom for... One million dollars! Rebecca: [Toji] No, that's just juvenile and stupid. Which means brilliant for you. > " Oooh, I like it." Matt said. Dan: [Toji] It's sassy, it's jazzy, it's a real hamdinger. > He cleared his throat, and shouted above the teacher. Tsuneo: [Matt] Soylent Green is made of people! Tango: Damn! What's the canteen been serving us? > " I'm telling you! Second Impact was on a Tuesday!!" He shouted. Toji > restrained his giggling long enough to shout back. > " No! It was a Thursday!!" > " It was a bleeding Tuesday!!" > " It was a Thursday!!" > " Tuesday!!" > " Thursday!!" Tango: Friday! Dan: Wednesday! Rebecca: Monday! Everything bad happens on a Monday. Dan: Is it time for a Nitro joke? Rebecca: Best not to. > " No, It's pronounced Tuesday!!!" > " No, you say it like this: THURSDAY!!!" > " Tue-hue-sday!!!" > " Thu-hur-sday!!!" > " Dienstag!!" > " Thursday!!" > " [Tursday]!!" Dan: Tursday? Tango: That's for people who can't decide weather it's Tuesday or Thursday. I always get confused by them. Dan: How can you forget Tuesday? Tuesday's the night Xena's on! Er, not that I ever watch it. > " Thursday!!" > " You two shut up!!" Hikari shouted, attempting to stop them. Rebecca: Go on Hikari, dismember them! You know you want to! Tango: Wouldn't it be ironic if we got a normal Hikari just when we need the maniacal, overbearing one? > The teacher still rambled on. Tsuneo: You'd be amazed, but he is actually capable of managing his class. > " No!! Not until He realizes Second Impact was a Tuesday!!" Matt shouted. > " It was a Thursday!!!!!!!" Toji shouted back. > " Actually, It was a Wednesday." Rebecca: Ouch. Score one for Shin-boy. > Shinji said. The two stopped and stared at him as if he had made some > stupid and irrelevant comment, which of course, he had. Tsuneo: That's right, settling their prefab argument is stupid and irrelevant. Bad Shinji for injecting sense and reason into the proceedings. Bad! > Shinji looked back and forth between the two, looking > more than slightly confused. Tango: [Shinji] I can't tell the difference, can you tell the difference? > Toji and Matt gave up and took their respective > seats, still glaring at Shinji, who cowered away. Dan: [Shinji] Where's some of that furious bloodlust from episode nineteen when I need it? > The teacher still hadn't noticed, and was just rambling on. Rebecca: I hear he's a member of the Australian Democrats. > " And of course, everybody knows that Second Impact was on Wednesday the > 13th September 2000. Dan: Hah! Score one for Shinji! > Ah yes, I remember it well..............." Tango: He remembers it as if it was only fifteen years ago. > Maya and Ritsuko looked up at the newest development of the > Research and Development teams of NERV. Rebecca: Okay, I call progressive custard pie. > " SO, Ma'am, what is it?" Maya asked. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Well, it's either a quantum differentiator or a toaster. We're not quite sure either way. Dan: Wow! Super-obscure! > " This, is the progressive sword. Tango: Translation: The big pointy phallic symbol. > It is the first type of new progressive Tango: Insert random weapon name here. > sword, manufactured using larger > and more powerful versions of the progressive knife equipment." Ritsuko replied. Dan: It slices! It dices! It makes french fries, shoestring or crinklecut. > The blade itself was about the same length as an Evangelion's arm and hand, and > the handle was about a third of that length extra. Tsuneo: Proportionally, that's not a very big sword. Rebecca: Guess what that represents? > The guard that separated the blade was gold in colour, in > contrast to the black of the handle > and the silvery metallic colour of the blade. Dan: It's elaborately decorated for no good reason. > It was a small circular area that > would cover the hand when it was > clenched around the handle. The blade was curved slightly. { Basically, it > looked like the murasame from FF7 } Rebecca: So Matt's going to get a Penile Augmentation Sword, huh? > " The first?" Maya asked, turning to face Ritsuko. Tango: Meaning that there weren't any before it. > " Yes. There are several more swords being built, Dan: Hey, can they make me a Hackmaster +12 while they're there? > based on this design and a few other's that the weapons > department have yet to put together." Ritsuko finished. Rebecca: Can you say that all again in English maybe? Tsuneo: They got drunk, played too much D&D and drew some silly sketches. > " All they need now is battle testing, correct?" Maya asked. Before Ritsuko > could reply, a huge tremor shook the base, Tango: As Viscera did the big belly flop on Rikishi. Dan: All right, who let fly?! > knocking Maya over. > " Speak of the devil...." Maya mumbled. Dan [Max Lagamorph]: The Devil. The Devil. > " What the hell was that?" Ritsuko shouted into one of the intercom', > oblivious to what Maya had said. Rebecca [Maya]: The story of my life. > The response signal was crackly, but audible. Tango: They need to get a new antenna in here. > " Unit-04 just activated. It's trying to get out of it's restraints......" Dan: [Ritsuko] Okay, who hit the berserk button? [Dead silence] Tango: [Gendo] What? What? > " Well shut it down!!" Ritsuko shouted back. The next reply was slightly > more distorted, but no less audible. > " We can't! The Entry plug is refusing all signal's. Tsuneo: Have you tried cutting the power? Tango: How about control-alt-delete? > We can't even get a reading on the current pilot." Ritsuko was shocked. Dan: So what, don't they even monitor the EVAs? Tsuneo: Nah, any old thief can just wander along and take an EVA for a joyride. > " I'm on my way!" She replied, shutting off the intercom. Dragging Maya onto > her feet, she pulled her towards the nearest elevator. Rebecca: Quick! To the batcave! > Ritsuko and Maya ran onto the command deck from the elevator. The > technician that was at Maya's station > moved over to let Maya take over, and headed back to their own station Tsuneo [Aoba]: How come I never get to do anything in these fics? > " Ma'am. These sensors have been sabotaged." Maya said. Dan: [Gendo] Remind me, who's in charge of security around here? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Er, we don't have a head of security. Dan: [Gendo] Right, well find me a head of security and he's fired. > Ritsuko looked over at the technician who had just vacated Maya's station, Tango: [Aoba] Hey, I have a name, you know! > who nodded. > " They've been like that since Unit-04 activated." Tsuneo: Must be a coincidence. > The technician defended. " Otherwise I might've > gotten some info on Unit-04's pilot." Rebecca: Odds are he's omnipotent and annoying. I know this doesn't narrow it down too much, but it's something. > Ritsuko nodded in understanding, and the > technician sighed as Ritsuko left her alone. She turned to Aoba. Dan: [Aoba] Oh, now I get a name! > " Get Major Katsuragi here, now." Ritsuko ordered. Aoba nodded, and picked > up the phone. " Dan [Aoba]: You sure about that? It's a 1900 number and she charges seven bucks a minute. > And find the pilot's." She added. Tsuneo: Find the pilot's what? > In Misato's apartment, Misato groped blindly Dan: Make of that what you will. Rebecca: Misato enjoys herslef way too much. > for the cordless > receiver of the phone which had interrupted > her so abruptly from some well deserved sleep. Eventually, she found it Tsuneo: It was in a lost and found box in Aukland. > and pushed the call receive button. Dan: Intense telephone answering action! > " Hello? Misato Katsuragi speaking." Tango [Misato]: I think. > She said tiredly, before yawning. " Uh huh. Mmm. Yeah. Uh huh." Tsuneo: It's thirty random rap tracks. > Misato mumbled groggily. " What?!?" Misato almost screamed the last word on her > end of the conversation, Rebecca: Giving the mass punctuation, we'd guessed that. > as the news of Unit-04's obscure activation. She began frantically > pulling on her clothes. Dan: No need to on my account. > " I'll be there in as soon as I can." She said quickly, and hung up. She > finished her hasty dressing a moment later, Rebecca: Ah, Misato? Your trousers don't go over your head. Tango: They don't? > and ran out of the door, pulling it shut behind her. Dan: So what about the other pilots? Tsuneo: Are they Matt? Dan: Well no. Tsuneo: So nothing. > " Where have you been Major?" Ritsuko asked as Misato ran onto the > command deck, gasping for breath. Rebecca: [Misato] Sorry, I got lost in the unannounced scene change. > " No excuse, sorry." Misato replied between gasps." What's the problem?" Tango: [Kirk] I've lost my toupee and girdle... and... can't leave my room. > " Unit-04 has activated. Dan: [Misato] Well switch it off! Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Why didn't I think of that? Misato, you're a genius! > Entry plug is inserted but the sensors have been > sabotaged and we can't tell who's inside it. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] The security cameras were all switched off and the guards all had a simultaneous tea break. > They've broken through most of Unit-04's restraints." Ritsuko quickly > filled in Misato on what was going on. Dan: [Misato] It's obviously the new guy. He was grinning at me funny earlier. He must be up to something. Tsuneo: And if anyone hadn't guessed that by now... > " Launch it through one of the catapults." Commander Ikari ordered. Misato > turned to him. > " Are you sure that's wise?" Misato asked. > " We cannot let it damage the inside of NERV HQ any more." Gendo explained. Tango: Stuff Tokyo-3, we'll trash that instead. Rebecca: According to all we've heard, it's just stood there while Misato was arriving. > " Right." Misato agreed. She turned back to Maya. > " Launch it." She stated. Maya flicked a switch, and Unit-04 moved over into > it's launch position, the Eva clawing at it's foot locks. Tango: Hey, didn't he break free of his restraints? Tsuneo: Never mind that, should I mention that there *aren't* any foot locks? Dan: You know, while he's busy sabotaging the security systems, you'd think he could sabotage some of the other controls. > The catapult bay's opened and the Eva was launched through the catapult. Tsuneo: Any reason why it tamely walked onto the catapult when ordered? Rebecca: There's a pair of guys trying to poke it with sticks. > The > Eva was shot out of the catapult opening, and it soared through the air for a > while, Dan: I can fly! Tango: [Buzz Lightyear] This isn't flying, it's falling with style! > before landing unstabley > on the ground outside one of the Eva armament buildings. Tsuneo: [Applauds] Great work. Meticulous planning. > The Eva balanced itself, stood up, and turned > to the Eva storage compartment. It began beating through the armour. > " Send the city underground!" Misato ordered. Maya tried pushing some > buttons, but all her console did was spark a little. Rebecca: So let me get this right, he sabotaged the security system and the city retract button, but not the catapult controls? How'd he do that? Tango: He just put an "Intel Inside" sticker on the console. > " It's not working. This entire panel is hopeless." Maya said. Rebecca: What do you expect, they've got Mikey Robbins on it. > She opened up the under section. Dan: [Misato] My god... It's full of stars. > Inside > it was several bunches of wires and cables, most of which were cut, the rest of > which were wired up to their terminals in a random order. Tsuneo: Can I ask just how someone got into the command center to sabotage all of this? Tango: The night shift all looked the other way for a few hours. > Ritsuko looked at it. > " That panel is useless." She commented, before looking up. All: NAW! > " Can we reroute these controls?" She asked. > " Sorry Ma'am, the re-route's are shot too." One of the technicians replied. Dan: But the EVA catapult still worked? Rebecca: [Misato] Does anything else still work around here? Tango: [Kaji] Coffee? > " Damn it!" Ritsuko said. * Rebecca: Huh? Where'd that thing come from? > " Are our pilot's ready yet?" Misato asked. Dan: [Misato] Are those the pilots back at my apartment? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Yes. Dan: [Misato] You mean the pilot you forgot to tell me to bring with me? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Yeees. [Long pause] Dan: [Misato] Um, they're not ready. > " Asuka and Toji are suited up and activating. Shinji and Rei are suiting > up. We can't find Michael." Tsuneo: Could it be that Michael is our mystery EVA pilot? All: Nah! > Hyuga said, reading from his screen. Misato nodded. > " Right. Send up Unit's 02 & 03' as soon as possible. Arm Unit-03 with a > Progressive Axe and-" Misato began, but Ritsuko interrupted her at the end. Dan: So you're giving an axe to the guy who can't move but is an excellent shot? Wouldn't a rifle be a better idea? > " -Arm Unit-02 with the progressive sword." Ritsuko ended. Rebecca: Why? She's got nothing to compensate for. > Misato looked at her, but saw no reason to disagree. Tsuneo: What's logic got to do with anything? > She looked back at the screen, to see Unit-04 had broken through > the armour and had > grabbed the assault rifle. Dan: [EVA-04] Ha ha ha, now I have a tommy gun. > Suddenly, a Holo-Screen communication window opened up on the main > screen, revealing the face of no-one other than Tsuneo: Ruri Hoshino? Rebecca: Dr. Evil? Dan: Chairman Quincy? Tango: Aunt Edna? > Michael Sears. > " Greetings to you all." He sneered, " And what a pleasure it is to see you. > You do know you cannot win. Rebecca: Famous last evil overlord's words. > Though I may be alone now, soon I will not be. NERV has forgotten that > SEELE brought it into existence, Dan: Not so much forgotten as swept under the rug. > and seeing as you are so easily persuaded against us, then we have no > choice but to destroy this Problem before it becomes out of hand. Tango: [Michael] So I shall bore you to death. > And as everybody knows, a good way to deal with a problem > is fight fire with fire." Dan: I thought fighting fire with water was a good idea. Rebecca: No, you fight good with cliches. > Everybody stared at Mike and his statement. The > Holo-Screen shut off, and Unit-04 Tango: Hang on, so this Michael guy is enough of an evil genius to infiltrate NERV, yet he chooses this moment to act, takes off in the recently discovered, untested EVA with no training? Rebecca: Is anyone in this fic capable of independent thought? Tango: Hell no. Most of us on the couch aren't either! > moved away from the storage building, assault rifle in it's hands. Tsuneo: [Michael] I will act when I am alone and without backup. I will not wait until I can get support. I will rob myself of the element of surprise. I will fight at a disadvantage. Yes, I am an idiot. How did you guess? > " Are we ready" Misato asked, still looking at the screen. Hyuga checked his > terminal. Rebecca: [Hyuga] No, I can't find your missing question mark. > " Unit's 02 and 03, and their weapons, are ready. Shinji and Rei are suiting > up." Dan: Say, where'd they come from? Tango: They keep them locked in the cupboard for emergencies. > " Launch Unit's 02 and 03." Misato ordered. The catapult's shot the two > Eva's up their respective > catapult bays, and into the Eva holding point's at the top. Those opened, and > the two Eva's stepped > out and grabbed their weapons from the nearby storage containers. Rebecca: So "deploy them with X weapon" doesn't actually mean anything, huh? Tango: Wouldn't it be embarrassing if they busted them open only to find an empty slot and a receipt? > " Ma'am, sensor's have located two more signals coming from outside the > city." Maya shouted. > " How long till they get here?" Misato asked. > " About fifteen, maybe twenty minutes." Maya said. > " What are they?" Ritsuko asked Tsuneo: It's more damned Invadors! Rebecca: It's Xellos and Q! They've teamed up to form the excellence of annoyance! > " Pattern is - damn, lost the traces. Magi are attempting to define." Hyuga > replied. Dan: For the most powerful computer on the planet, the Magi are sure damn useless. Tango: [Hyuga] I'm getting a message on the screen... "I want my Linux Penguin." Anyone know where Penpen is? > " All right. Toji, Asuka, listen up. Dan: This is my last transmission. Good luck, kids. > You've got about 15 minutes to take down Unit-04." Misato ordered. > " Do not destroy the Unit or the city in the process." Gendo added from > underneath his hands. Rebecca: Why not? Since when has Gendo cared? > " Right!" Asuka and Toji replied. Unit-03' began slowly walking through the > buildings, its rifle carefully leveled. Tsuneo: Um, didn't you send him up with an axe? Some consistency would be nice. > Unit-02 moved in the other direction, Dan: What, conveniently off-camera? Tango: Yeah, don't expect to see much more of Asuka this chapter. > through different section of city, though much quicker. Rebecca: Hey, she found the running shoes! > The progressive sword in the Evas hand shimmered a bright green. Dan: What's this, a "nuclear based" sword? Tsuneo: Hey, Yoshimitsu wants that back! > In a nearby catapult, Unit-00' emerged, > and opened it's right shoulder blade. A thin robotic holder arm unfurled and > brought a pistol down with it, Rebecca: Why thank you, thing. Tsuneo: Should I bother to ask why there's a pistol in there instead of the prog knife? Dan: The authour thinks knives are for pansies. Rebecca: They are! > which Unit-00' grasped the handle off. It brought the pistol down to it's other > hand as the robotic arm > clicked back into position, and the shoulder blade closed. Tsuneo: "It drew a pistol from its shoulder holster." > Close to Unit-03, Unit-01 emerged from one of the far catapult > bays. Unit-04 rounded a corner, and came into view of Unit-01. Dan: Whoah! Don't you hate it when EVAs jump out in front of you like that? > " We have a lock on Unit-04! Move it!!" Misato shouted. Rebecca: [Misato] Grab them before they sell out! > Toji began carefully maneuvering around > buildings as Asuka and Rei began running for the position. Tango: Go long, Rei, go long! > Shinji leapt at Unit-04 without thinking, Tsuneo: Because, as we all know, Shinji is the amateurish and untrained pilot. > and > only realized his mistake as Unit-04 moved. Using its left leg as a pivot, > Unit-04 pulled of a sidekick that > smashed into the chest of the airborne Unit-01. Dan: [Bored] Wow. We never saw that coming. > The resultant force sent Unit-01 back to where it came from. Tango: Hey, nice reversal. > It landed with an almighty crash onto the closest building, Tango: Bow down and worship the almighty Crash! Cower before the unstoppable might of Elroy! > and fell straight through it. Dan: Ahh, I didn't like that bit of scenery anyway. > As Unit-04 surveyed its triumph, Unit-03' crept round another building, Dan [Toji]: You can't see me, I'm invisible! > until it was behind Unit-04. > " This is for betraying us..." Toji whispered as Unit-03' brought it's right > arm back, axe in hand, Tsuneo: Remind me, why is Toji using an axe if he's the expert sniper? Tango: Because an axe is a long-range weapon. > and swung it at Unit-04 in an attempt to strike it from long range. Tango: See? It's a long-range weapon! > Unit-04, however, span on the spot and brought its machine gun to bare. Rebecca: Well that worked. Dan: Michael here seems to be a pretty omnipotent badass here too. Tsuneo: Notice how everyone moves in slow motion except for Michael. > The machine gun only fired for a second, a controlled burst that > miraculously hit exactly where it was aimed. Dan: Yes, that's the whole point of aiming. > The bullets seared through the elbow of Unit-03's right arm, shearing the > forearm clear off the > upper arm. Tango: [Toji] This happens to me a lot. > The half extended upper arm dangled loosely at one side, as Toji > screamed in agony Dan: It's someone screaming in agony. Fortunately I speak it fluently. > from the feedback. > " Damn it! Sever the nerve links to Unit-03's right arm." Misato ordered. > Hyuga hit several switches Rebecca: [Hyuga] Take that you naughty switches! Tsuneo: Notice how those switches are working, but everything else is burnt out. Tango: Including the authour. > as Eva-04 leapt into the air, back flipped over itself, and landed behind some > buildings. All: Oooh... Ahhh... > A moment later, Unit-03's nerve links to the right arm cut off. > " Rei! Asuka! The rouge Evangelion is headed your way! Dan: Rouge? I thought it was silver? Rebecca: Matt broke in last night and re-sprayed it. > Stop it but do not destroy it!" Misato > shouted across the communication system. Dan: How do you plan to do that? What are you going to use, bad language? > Rei's calmly answered. > " Yes Ma'am." Her neutral tone managed to subside Misato's anger slightly. Tango: Rei's the vocal equivalent of Valium. > Eva-04 stepped cautiously among the buildings. It rounded a corner, > and saw the face of Eva-00', Tsuneo: Whoah! Don't do that! > and the pistol in its hand leveled at it's head. > " This is as far as you go...." Rei began, bringing the magnum up to aim for > Unit-04's head. Rebecca [Rei]: Do you feel lucky, punk? Tsuneo: Wasn't it already aimed at it? > " I don't think so..." Mikes reply was cold, ruthless and unheard, and > Eva-04 pulled back on the > trigger of it's machine gun. A hollow click from it showed that it was empty. " Dan: Sucker! > Shi-!" Mike said. Rei > paused for a moment when she realized Unit-04 had no ammo, but it was a pause > she would regret. > Unit-04 thrust the empty machine gun barrel forward into Unit-00's face, and > smacked brutally against the left side. Tsuneo: So why didn't Rei just shoot him? She wouldn't pause for dramatic effect or anything like that. > Unit-00' collapsed backward as it's pilot screamed in agony from the blow. Rebecca: Rei just had the smack laid down on her. Tango: Sucker shot. Who guessed it? > " No!" Misato cried, realizing that if Unit-00' went down she could lose > this fight. Dan: Huh? What about Shinji and Asuka? Tango: I think they've wandered into a different fanfic. > Unit-04 turned and ran. Rebecca: Brave sir Robin ran away. He bravely ran away, away. > In one of the upper shelters, Matt and Mel looked at the screen of > the little TV that patched them through to NERV HQ. Tango: Tonight on Australia's Funniest Home Videos... Dan: I thought tonight was a special of goofed weddings and men getting hit in the crotch. Rebecca: No, that's every night, Dan. > "[ Damn it! Another one down... ]" Mel whispered. Matt looked at her. Rebecca: [Matt] You owe me five. > "[ I really don't care for our orders anymore. Tsuneo: And you didn't in the first place. So? > I'm gonna help them. ]" Matt said quietly. Mel looked him in the eye. Dan: What are you going to do, tell them off? > "[ Your serious? ]" She asked. Matt nodded, and stood up. He walked slowly > for the door that > lead to not only the toilets, but the entrance. Tango: In order to get out, he has to go through the toilets, into the air vent, crawl through the ducts, de-activate the lasers and Bungee-jump into the room. > " Where's he going?" Hikari asked Mel, who thought for a moment. > " Toilets." She lied Rebecca [Hikari]: That's a little more information than I needed. Dan: Wow. She's sticking up for Matt for no reason. She really does have a collapsible spine. > " Can we get Unit-00' back online!?!" Misato shouted. > " Negative! Tango: Someone forgot to pay the ISP bill. > Pilot is unconscious!" Aoba replied. Misato turned back to the comm system. > " Damn." Misato mumbled " Asuka! Shinji! Tsuneo: [Misato] Where are you two anyway? > Stop Unit-04! You've only got ten minutes before > those other traces arrive." She said, out loud. Dan: Shouldn't it run out of power by now? I'd assume you cut off power feed to it. > " Roger!" They replied, the two heading for Unit-04's position. > " Ma'am! Unit-00' is reactivating!" Tango: [Hyuga] The big green light is green! > Hyuga shouted. Various 'Huh?'s and 'What the?'s came from various staff, Rebecca: It's alive! It's alive! Tsuneo: So what? Couldn't Rei have just recovered? > and the video feed locked onto Unit-00'. Rei was lying on the ground nearby it, Her > neural receiver's removed. Tsuneo: Sorry, no. I refuse to believe that someone could go up to Unit 00 completely undetected, climb up its back, manually eject the entry plug, pull out Rei, get in, reset the entry plug and reactivate the EVA without outside assistance, all within the space of a minute. Absolutely impossible. Dan: Wow. He is special. > " If Rei's not in Eva Unit-00'......then who is?" Misato asked quietly. Tsuneo: Matt, obviously. Dan: Rei's evil twin, Kalia? Rebecca: Chris Benoit. Tango: A quarter pounder with cheese. > " What is Unit-00's synchronization?" She asked, more audibly. Dan: Something impossibly high, I'm betting. > " Synch ratio is at.....I don't believe it.......200% and holding. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Damn, he's turned into LCL. We've lost another one. These pilots are vanishing so fast- Er, sorry Gendo. > Minimal fluctuation." Hyuga said slowly. Tango: [Hyuga] The big light saying "Bullsh*t" is flashing. What do I do? > Ritsuko walked over to Commander Ikari, realization having only dawned on her > and possibly the Commander. Dan: [Ritsuko] Sir! It's a plot contrivance! > " It's almost certainly one of the Cyclone Children." Tsuneo: No, it's just any old night-omnipotent stranger who wandered by. > She whispered to him. Gendo nodded, his mouth hidden as always by his hands. Rebecca: What's the bets that he's just blowing a raspberry behind that? > " Then we need not worry." He replied quietly. Ritsuko understood, and > walked back down to the command deck. Tango: [Ritsuko] Of course. There's absolutely no chance you'd be wrong and he'd screw it up- Where'd the commander go? > " Who's in there!!" Misato screamed over the intercom to Unit-00'. Dan: I'll give you a clue. It's the most annoying kid you've ever met. Rebecca: [Misato] DJ? Dan: Er, no. Rebecca: [Misato] Tom? Dan: Oh, forget it. > The Eva's new pilot did > not reply, and The Eva stood up, Blood slowly dribbling from the impact on the > side of it's head. Tsuneo: Not that a hasty blow with a rifle would be strong enough to crack the armour anyway. > It leapt onto one of the nearby buildings. Rebecca: Which promptly collapsed under the weight. Tango: Who does he think he is, Batman? > " Shut it down!" Misato ordered. Tsuneo: So why haven't you tried that on unit 04 yet? > " Belay that order." Gendo stated. There was a series of 'Huh?'s from the > staff, yet again. > " Why?" Misato asked, turning to face the commander. Tango: [Gendo] Because I said so, that's why. > " We shall verify the allegiance of the pilot before making any rash moves." > Gendo answered. Dan: And what happens when he turns out to be evil? Rebecca: [Gendo] Um... > Fuyutski leaned over to him. Dan: Say, where has he been all fic? [Quick cut to Fuyutski lying on a tropical beach surrounded by beautiful young bikini-clad women] Dan: Damn. Rebecca: We really need to get the fourth wall reinforced around here. > " Are you sure this is wise?" He asked. Rebecca [Gendo]: Of course I'm sure. I'm the omnipotent badass around here. > Gendo nodded in reply. Unit-00' began hopping from > building to building towards Unit-04, Dan: Why can't you use the street like other people? > which was skulking around some not to far off. Tango: Wonderful, there's an EVA loitering. Rebecca: Yes, but is there a policeman in the world who would book it? Tsuneo: I thought he was trying to escape the city? > Unit-00' eventually leapt off a building, tackling Unit-04 on the way down. Tango: Spear! Spear! > The two landed on the floor. Tsuneo: Aargh! Not the outside floor again! > Unit-04 threw Unit-00' back, which crashed into a building. Dan: So much for saving the city. > Unit-00' grabbed a spiked chunk of metal from the building All: How conveeenient > and threw it at Unit-04, which was running towards Unit-00'. It embedded > itself in the left side of Unit-04's stomach. Rebecca: He'll remember that one in the morning. > Unit-00' then made a potshot with it's pistol, which Unit-04 avoided. Tsuneo: That's nice, but how about aiming? > Unit-04 began running towards Unit-00', which took another shot and missed. > Unit-04 smashed into Unit-00', which landed back on the building. Dan: Atomic monsters have got nothing on you two! > The pistol dropped into the wreckage. Unit-00's left shoulder > opened and it grabbed the > progressive knife, which activated, while Unit-04 removed the spike from it's > side. Unit-00' lunged > at Unit-04 and slashed, cutting into the wound in its side. Rebecca: A tiny bit too implausibly precise, if you ask me. > Unit-04 clutched it's wound, and edged backwards. Tango: He's not retreating! he's just advancing in the other direction! > Unit-00' took a running leap into the air, attempting to land feet > first on Unit-04, but > Unit-04 punched it's enemy as it was coming downwards. Unit-00 recoiled, Tsuneo: All this in mid air, too. Tango: Ah, who cares about the laws of physics? > and landed with a load crunch nearby, dropping it's knife. > Unit-04 began running towards the downed Unit-00, which attempted a > sweep with both legs. Tsuneo: How about you wait until it comes closer before doing that? > Unit-04 leapt into the air at this point, and Unit-00' arched it's back, > bringing both feet into the air. Dan: Uh... Rebecca: Ahh... Tsuneo: Er... Tango: Ham and cheese roll? > As Unit-04 landed, Tsuneo: So it didn't actually accomplish anything, it just jumped up and down? > Unit-00' pulled off a kick with both feet that knocked Unit-04 backwards, Dan: Notice how they both get knocked around, but no-one gets damaged? > and > followed into Unit-00' standing up. Unit-04 stood back up quickly and grabbed > the waist of Unit-00', which grabbed Unit-04's head. Rebecca: Getting a little bit too fresh here. > Unit-00' tried to claw out Unit-04's eyes, Rebecca: Foul! Someone call the ref! > but Unit-04 grabbed > Unit-00's neck with its right hand. Unit-00's grip loosened enough for Unit-04 > to bring its other hand up to grab the other side of Unit-00's neck. It picked > up Unit-00' slightly, Tango: Chokeslam! Chokeslam! > then through it over it's shoulder into another building. Dan: Hold on, I think there's a few building over there we haven't wrecked yet. > Unit-00' lay in the rubble as Unit-04 moved towards > one of the armament buildings to gain another rifle, which it did. Tsuneo: Any reason why it took a few minutes to get the rifle last time, but he can just grab it this time? Rebecca: They forgot to lock the building. How embarrassing. > It turned back to Unit-00', which had managed to crawl over to a > different wrecked building. Dan: Is there anything around here that they haven't wrecked? Tango: Just the oil refinery. > Unit-04 leveled it's machine gun at Unit-00', which in turn pulled it's pistol > from the wreckage > of the building and fired a shot at Unit-04's wound. It hit, and Unit-04 > staggered, dropping it's rifle. Tsuneo: Okay, so he levels the rifle, but takes conveniently long enough to aim that Matt has a chance to pull out his gun, turn around take aim at a small target and hit with deadset accuracy? That's more than a tiny bit ridiculous. > Unit-00' then fired off a second shot at the wound, and a third at the > head of Unit-04. Rebecca: What is this, John Woo's Evangelion? Dan: What about "bring it in intact?" > Unit-04 fell onto it's front. Unit-00' dropped it's pistol and moved to Unit-04. > It ripped off Unit-04's entry plug cover. It then pulled out the exposed entry plug. Tsuneo: Remember folks, careful analysis of the models reveals that it's *that* easy to disable an Evangelion! > Dropping it at it's feet, Unit-04 stepped on the entry plug and twisted it's foot, Tsuneo: How humane and merciful. Rebecca: I like it. > signaling the rather gruesome death of Unit-04's ex-pilot. Dan: Wouldn't they want him for interrogation or something? Rebecca: Who cares? Matt wants blood! > Blood and LCL splattered everywhere. Dan: That's gonna leave a mess. Tango: Try getting that out of its foot tomorrow. > Unit-00' then, with some final > commands, removed it's own entry plug and placed into Unit-04. Rebecca: So... He moves from a fully functional EVA that he's already successfully synchronised with to a badly-damaged EVA that he's never even seen before whose entry plug systems have been ripped open? That doesn't make any sense. Tsuneo: Not to mention that EVA-00 wouldn't be able to move as soon as the hatch is open. > Unit-04 sprung back into > life as Unit-00' deactivated., it's jaw moving reflexively. Tsuneo: Um, Unit 00 doesn't have a jaw. > The readout that showed the remaining time until the two new traces > appeared clicked into the final position of 0:00, and bleeped. Tsuneo: "The counter reached zero" > The sensors got a new lock on them, and The video > feed cut to them Two SEELE Mass Production Eva Unit's Tsuneo: Um.. why only two? Where did the rest of them get to? Dan: Same place as Shinji and Asuka. > landed on the outskirts of the city, > wings folding, and holding gray copies of the Lance of Longinus. Rebecca: AKA the Barbeque Fork of Doom. > A Holo-Screen appeared > on the NERV main screen, and in all the Eva's entry plugs, Tango: Don't you just hate pop-up ads? > from Unit-04. > The image showed Matt Blake, wearing Rei's neural receivers and Rebecca: Underpants. > with blood trailing from the > left side of his Mouth, and just under his ear. His breathing was ragged, and he > winced in pain from the feedback of Unit-04. Tsuneo: Well that wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed in the fully intact Evangelion. > There was blood coming from his hip. Dan: That's not blood, that the raspberry cordial he was drinking earlier. > He swallowed some saliva, > and probably some blood as well He commented on the current situation. > " Time to rock and roll." Dan: Say, um... What happened to Asuka and EVA-02? They just kind of wandered off again. Rebecca [Asuka]: What?! You dare write the Great Asuka out of your fanfic? WA-TAK! > Well, there you have it. After a hell of a bad case of writers block, Tsuneo: It really shows. > I have finally brought you all the > second chapter of Evangelion II: Cyclone Project. I hope you enjoyed it. Dan: Is that possible. > Can anybody who can think of a suggestion Tango: Oooh! I can! > that isn't stupid Tango: Never mind. > please Mail it to me. I like having > suggestions, they help me to write quicker, so it's in everybody's interest > anyway. Dan: Whose interest? > Comment's, Suggetions, Queires, Email me at Evander@McMail.com > Evander [Tsuneo picks up the Matt figure and squeezes its legs. The TV bursts into flames] Tsuneo: Neat. Tango: Guess these figures are good for something after all. Dan: Well, some of them. Rebecca: Well, one of them. Tsuneo: Maybe. Voice: I wish you guys would stop doing that. Rebecca: Make us. Voice: I'll just get your reviews before we go any further. Tsuneo: The fic went from incoherent to just plain stupid. The absolute worst example was the fight scene at the end. People move randomly in and out of slow motion, EVAs vanish in the middle of the action, and simple blows do hideous amounts of damage. Then Matt contrives himself into the EVA in a completely stupid way and proceeds to run amuck, culminating in a psychotic episode at the end. Then only two mass production EVAs show up. Why? Because. Dan: I was amazed by the new characters in the fic. First off, there's Matt who's so self-important and purposefully annoying to be completely unlikable. Then we've got Mel, who only serves to agree with Matt and prop him up at all opportunities. Then of course there's Mike Sears, the man with no personality, who's only here to show how everyone except Matt is completely useless and to act stupid. They're all just pointless. Rebecca: I'm trying to figure out what was the point of Mike showing up in the first place. He's supposed to be a SEELE spy and saboteur, right? But he didn't achieve anything. He walked in, said hi to the other kids, stole an EVA and got killed. The end. What did he achieve? Nothing. How did he further SEELE's plan apart from giving them away? He didn't. How did he stop NERV? He became a greasy stain on the ground. If he was meant to stop them, he should have done something from the inside rather than just out and stealing an EVA and trying to run away. Also I want to know what happened to the Angel Naming Committee. I thought they were the plot of this fic, yet they and their products are completely absent from the chapter. Tango: At first I thought it was great ridding myself of Good Life but now I'm wishing Head cheese could bring it back. This is just so stupid, it hops around faster than buggery and feels like it fell through a pot- hole on the space-time continuum. Are my ears bleeding per chance? Tsuneo: Er... What if I said yes? Tango: Then I'd go hysterical and run around the room! Tsuneo: And if I say no? Tango: I'll go hysterical and run around the room like wigglepuppy. Rebecca: No. [Tango jumps up and starts running hysterically around the room, making yipping sounds] Dan: Gee, thanks. [Dan, Rebecca and Tsuneo quickly leave] Voice: Don't leave me with him! Please? [The screen goes blank] Tango: Where's that door? [Sound of breaking glass] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) and Twin Cannon (ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2000 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. The Evacorp Network: evacorp.cyril.com One of the largest Eva sites in the world, contains a thousand and one reasons why stories like this are utterly impossible evafiction.animecenter.com More EVA fanfics than you can poke a stick at. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > The first, a photograph labeled 'Specimen C' was of a human male, red eyed and > tall, floating in an LCL tube.