Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 89 returns us to the Cyclone Project. Whoopee. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II the Cyclone Project is copyright Evander@McMail.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with a tattered plastic Christmas tree lying on the ground next to it.] [Dan and Rebecca enter, talking] Rebecca: ...Remind me again, how did this come up? Dan: Well, the guy said "That's simple, you destroy unit 00 and assassinate rie". Rebecca: "rie?" Dan: Well, it was on a message board. Rebecca: But it didn't answer the question. Dan: No... and after that it descended into an endless discussion of the two's cup sizes. Rebecca: Say... Where are the others? Dan: Well, Tsuneo's just behind us and Rick's... Rebecca: Rick's... Dan: Oh no. [A buzzsaw pops up through the floor, and cuts a hole in the floor. Tango clambers in. His face is covered in sunscreen and he is carrying a beach umbrella and a deck chair] Tango: Wait a moment... this isn't Blackpool Beach. Dan: It's a wasteland. Rebecca: Close enough. Dan: Hey... do you reckon he would have an answer? Rebecca: If anyone is loopy enough to know, it'd be him. Tango: know what? Dan: This came up on a message board. Who would win in a fight between Rei and Asuka? Tango: Let's see... Rei is generally calm, thinks thoroughly, has a selfless attitude and gets on more promo pictures. Asuka is psychotic, has little care for life the universe and everything, no patience, goes in all guns blazing, is physically healthier and can WA-TAK people. It's tough, but I'd go with Rei. Rebecca: Any reason? Tango: Her two special attacks: Plan B and causing Third Impact. [Tsuneo enters, looks at Tango and starts back] Tsuneo: Ugh. Sorry, I can never get used to that. Tango: Well why don't you ask him? Dan: Yeah, he should have a pretty good idea. Tsuneo: Uh... I don't really want to know. Rebecca: Probably for the best. And saved us a rant. Tsuneo: Huh? Rebecca: Forget it. I'll tell you when you're older. Voice: Glad to see you're finally all here. Tango: I'm never all here! Voice: Uh... Right. Dan: Anyway, what are we going to get this week? Rebecca: Take a guess. Cyclone Project and the amazingly smug Matt. Tango: [Fast] PleasegobacktoGoodLifepleasegobacktoGoodLifenomoreCycloneplease? Voice: Say... what? Dan: I think he means he doesn't like Matt? Rebecca: You'd prefer WAFF to Cyclone Project? Tango: Why not? Isamu's a convenient, slow-moving target. Voice: Well, I'm sorry Tango- Tango: No you're not! Voice: But it's Cyclone Project today. Tango: Nutbunnies. [They sit: Rebecca and Tsuneo on the forwards facing couch, Dan and Tango on the other one. Dan and Tsuneo are the closest on the corners] [The TV switches on] > Genesis 1:03 - Spawned Tango: I remember Spawn. It was lame. Rebecca: Hey, is Todd McFarlane going to sue them too? > {( Another note to all, speech with "* at the beginning and end is > translated German. It's only > used if you need to understand what's being said, though. )} Tsuneo: We don't, thanks. Dan: Also, from here on in, all speech marked with a percentage sign is translated from Esperanto. > The command staff of NERV looked at Matt, Rebecca: [Snigger] Fly's undone. > many wondering who he was, Tsuneo: An idiot. > and more importantly, Tango: How did he wind up in the recreation room? > how he had managed to do what he'd just done. Rebecca: That's easy. He sent an inverted tetryon pulse through the main deflector array. Works every time. > Many got a slight shock when both he and Unit-04 turned to look to the left. Dan: Shock! He's turning left! what will he do next? Rebecca: Act like a decent human being? Tsuneo: Never! > " They're here." He stated simply, All: We noticed. > before the main visual communication feed broke Tango: They really need a new antenna for that place. > and Eva-04 began limping in the direction of the rifle. Rebecca: Uh, Torgo? A little to your left. > Fuyutski turned to Gendo. Dan: [Fuyutski] Permission to panic and scream like a girly, sir? Tango: [Gendo] Granted. > " The committee will surely notice this pilot and his intrusion. All: Naw! > How do you intend to cover it up until we are ready?" He asked quietly. Tango: A really big sheet? > Gendo looked onward, ignoring Fuyutski for a moment. Rebecca: [Fuyutski] the story of my life. > " That answer will come in time." He replied. Tsuneo: You don't know, do you? Tango: No, but he's got a reputation as an omnipotent badass to cover for. > On the command deck, Misato, who was completely > oblivious to Fuyutski and Gendo's talk, Tsuneo: Remember, Misato never pays attention to anything. > { Although, so was everybody else } felt dazed. Dan: [Misato] David Arquette... What were they thinking? > " Wha........Who...........How.......?" Misato stammered, Rebecca: A stupid scene, an annoying avatar and a ridiculous plot contrivance. > before trailing of weakly. The sound only > link of the communications began playing something else from Unit-04. Dan: Hold music. The fiends. > " Stupid piece of.......Limping like a............useless > friggin'........" Tsuneo: Well, you *did* transfer over to this one! It's your fault! > The quiet mumblings went, Tango: He's mumbling to himself. He should be committed. > before Unit-04 stopped. Rebecca: Damn thing's stalled, and on the highway too. > It's hip wound began bubbling and pulsating Tsuneo: Now it's infected. Tango: Cool. > as the Unit's own Sē core began > regenerating the flesh of the wound, Dan: Can S2 cores do that? Tsuneo: No, the EVA does it on its own. > until it became solid flesh Rebecca: Solid flesh? That doesn't sound right. > once more, only exposed by the lack of armour. Dan: Oh great, now the EVA's wearing cut-outs. > The unit hopped and leant on it a bit, as if to test it's > stability, before moving at a much faster > pace to where firstly the rifle, and then, on obtaining that, to where > Unit's 05 and 06 were. Dan: Oh yeah, what are they doing during the recuperation scene? Rebecca: Posing up a storm. What did you think? Dan: Okay, so what are the other EVAs doing? Tango: Rei's auditioning for a part in Nadesico, Shinji's taking screaming lessons and Asuka's fallen into a plot hole again. > " I don't believe this. Rebecca: Neither do I, but we've got to live with it. Tango: It reminds me of a dream I once had, only without the flying purple ferrets. > Scumboy managed to take down something single > handedly." Asuka grumbled. Tsuneo: Amazing! Asuka lives! Rebecca: His other hand was a bit busy. > ' Hang on....How come he's able to pilot that thing at all....?' she > thought to herself. Dan: Don't you know? He's special. Tsuneo: Because he's got no experience and has never syncronised with that EVA before. > "* Hey! Matt you piece of Scum!*" Asuka opened the comm link. Dan: [Matt] That's mister scum to you! > "* Yes, oh high and mighty slut?*" Matt replied, smirking. Asuka > shot him an angry look. Rebecca: [Asuka] What? you dare call the great Asuka a slut? SUPER EVA WA-TAK! > "* How can you pilot an Eva?*" Asuka asked. Tango: Because the authour says so! > "* If you really wanna know, you can meet me afterwards and I'll show > you how and why...*" Matt replied, his smirk fading slightly Tsuneo: Remember kids, it's good to treat established characters like dirt. > " You two wanna stop blabbering in German and help us?" All: No. > Toji's face appeared on a holo-screen in each entry plug. Rebecca: Don't do that! > " Yeah, yeah..." Matt said, cutting all communication. Eva-04 leapt > towards its opposition, landing > close to Unit-05. From his position he could see Unit's 01 and 03 fighting > the opposing Eva-06. Tango: Hang on, so what's Asuka doing then? Tsuneo: Nothing, remember? She's the useless and ineffectual member of the team. Tango: Oh right, so she's the one waiting on top of the three-tiered cage with an acoustic equaliser? > He turned towards Unit-05, and broke into a run. Dan: And then into a rash. > Unit-05 raised it's fist once Unit-04 was close, and Matt > couldn't stop himself. > Unit-04 smashed headfirst into Unit-05's fist, sending the Eva crashing > onto the floor. Rebecca: WA-TAK! Dan: [Matt] In retrospect, I should have seen that one coming. Tsuneo: Of course, since he went running straight at an outstretched fist, he's not going to have an attack prepared and isn't going to evade the outstretched immobile fist either. > Unit-04 stood up as soon as it stopped moving through the air. Rebecca: Something sounds really wrong there. > It's pilot looked on, eyes gleaming, Dan: Whoah, he's been possessed by the red-eye! > and breathing slightly ragged. Tango: You think that's air you're breathing? > Without warning, both he and the Eva he was > piloting opened their mouths, and unleashed a furious scream. All: ADRIAN! > A scream filled with anger and rage, Dan: You fools! You destroyed it! Damn you! > it seemed to chill the blood of all those who heard it. Rebecca: [Bored] Ooh, scary. > The Evangelion leapt forward, eyes a bright furious > red, mouth opened and > snarling, and all sense of self preservation gone. Tango: Well that's what happens when you get the quad damage. Dan: Hey, I felt like that right after Slamboree. Rebecca: We all did. > Unit-04 struck Unit-05 with powerful force, Dan: A half-brick in a sock! > punching it twice in the head, and then kicking the > opposing Unit in the chest. Tango: Neat three-hit combo. Tsuneo: Big deal, I can do that. > Eva-05 recoiled under the force and smashed > into the building behind it, Rebecca: In the spirit of destroying the city to save it. Dan: I thought they were outside the city. > it's > armour cracking and breaking as the Unit hit the building. Unit-04 leapt > after the Unit, Tango: Fetch! Good boy! > and as Eva-05 > attempted to push itself away from the building, Unit-04 smashed into it, > driving it through the building and onto the floor. Dan: [Matt] Er, whoops. Didn't mean to do that. > Once Unit-05 was down, Unit-04 grabbed it in a headlock. Rebecca: What kind of a wuss is Matt, he needs a rest hold already? > Unit-05 clawed > helplessly at Unit-04's legs and torso Tango: Cat fight! Cat fight! > as Unit-04 mercilessly pounded the > head of it's opposer with it's free fist. Dan: Foul! That's a disqualification! Where's the ref? > Unit-05 didn't have mush time to react though. Rebecca: They really need to install a faster modem link to the dummy plug. Tango: A 28.8 modem? What were we thinking? Tsuneo: Ask Sega. > The Progressive sword, held by Unit-02, sliced > down through it's chest, and was twisted and ripped free of it's position > through Unit-05's side. Tsuneo: About time she showed up. Rebecca: Asuka with a sword. Not a pleasing thought. Dan: [Crosses legs] Not at all. > Unit-04 let go as Unit-02 began mercilessly hacking and slashing. Tango: [Asuka] Oh Matt? Guess who's next? > Unit-04 activated it's pistol and took > a clear aimed shot whenever the opportunity arrived. Tsuneo: I don't think you really need that now. In fact, all I think you'll be doing is rearranging the mince. Tango: Yeah, stop playing with your food! > Soon the Eva was nothing more than a bloody > pulp, it's fake lance nearby it's remains. Dan: Okay wiseass, but you've got to clean it up. > Unit-04 put its pistol back in its shoulder holster and grabbed > the lance. Eva's 02 and 04 prepared to help with Eva-06, Rebecca: Yeah, what was EVA-06 doing all this time? Tango: Waiting its turn to attack in traditional villain style. > but as soon as they turned to look at it, > Eva-03' slammed the other fake Lance through it's S2 core, destroying it. Tsuneo: Of course, it takes Toji to accomplish what Shinji can't. > It collapsed in a heap. Dan: Well that was a truly exciting and riveting fight scene. Tsuneo: Of course. It didn't involve Matt so it isn't worth showing. > Eva-04, it's anger now extinguished, fell on to one knee, the eyes dimming > to black. Rebecca: Snooze. Tango: This is what happens when the caffeine runs out. Fortunately, I never suffer from that. > * * * * > > The door to the darkened isolation room opened, Dan: And ruined the developing photos. Tango: Hey look! There's a whole lot of Korean animators and an American soldier with an M-16. > and Misato walked in. Matt Blake sat in the > centre of the room, his hands handcuffed together. Rebecca [Matt]: In any other circumstances, this would be kind of fun. > He idly scratched his head as Misato walked over, Tsuneo: You guys did a great job of cuffing him. > her footsteps echoing hollowly. Tango: Nice acoustics in here. You thought of running an orchestra out of here? > " When do I get my phone call?" Matt asked, without looking up from the > floor. Dan: This is NERV. They don't do that sort of thing. Tango: Phone call? He's lucky to have lungs. > " We are an exception to normal laws. Tsuneo: They're allowed to keep their library books for as long as they want. > You don't get one if we don't want you to have one." Dan: There's only two things you can do about it. Nothing, and like it. So know your role, and shut your damn mouth. > Misato replied. > " So you intend to leave me here?" All: Yes. Rebecca: Don't worry about it, we're going to bring you a bucket of fish heads each week. Tango: Aaah... Now that brings back memories. > Matt looked up at Misato, an evil glint in his red eyes. Dan [Matt]: Did I mention that I'm evil? > " Until we decide what to do with you." Tango: Anyone for stir-fry? > Misato replied, her clam demeanor hiding the fear the eyes instilled. Rebecca: She's scarey when she does that glowing eye thing. > " How did I break any laws anyway?" Tsuneo: Well, you did kind of steal an EVA and all. > " Unauthorized entry of top secret Military equipment. Dan: And he's got a whole lot of unpaid parking tickets. > Incidentally, how do you know how to pilot the Eva?" Tango: He took a corrispondance course. > " Its a long story." Dan: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... > " I'm listening." Rebecca: And we're sleeping, but go ahead anyway. Tsuneo: Insert stock tragic life story here. > " Maybe so, but I'm not telling." Rebecca [Misato]: Right then. Bring me a bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers. Tsuneo: Isn't that illegal? Tango: Only for the purposes of gambling. [Dan shifts slowly away from him] > Matt looked back at the floor, then leant back against the wall, > closing his eyes. " Good night major." He said. Misato made a hmmpf sound, > and left. Tsuneo: Go on, Misato. You don't need to take this kind of crap. Tango: Yeah! Go back in there and get medieval on his hind. > Elsewhere in the base, Ritsuko and Gendo sat in his darkened office, > discussing matters concerning the Cyclone Children. Rebecca: That was their story, and they were sticking to it. > " What shall we do about the first Cyclone child? " Ritsuko asked. Tsuneo: Decapitation springs to mind. > " We'll have him stay there for a couple of days, Dan: Then they'll ship him to Murmansk. > let the major go through the legal technicalities. Tsuneo: Between court backlogs, appeals, appeals to the appeal and so on, he should be out in a decade or so. Or sent to death row by mistake. > Then we'll release him." Gendo replied, Rebecca: But not before tagging him and attaching a radio collar. > his mouth covered by his hands. Ritsuko nodded, and pulled out a > couple of papers from a small package. Tango: It's a mail-order catalogue. Hey look, you can get a musical, electronic tie rack for only forty dollars. > She handed them to the commander. Dan: [Ritsuko] This is fanmail from the last chapter. The words "blasphemy" and "sacrilege" keep popping up. I guess they didn't like it. > " On the subject of the Cyclone Children, the second and third children > seemed to have mastered a way to retract the wings, Tsuneo: We're guessing it's some kind of plot contrivance. Rebecca: Did they learn that from the Atlanteans? > much in the same way their Eva's and the Mass Production Eva's were > designed to." Dan: So those kids have got a mechanical folding and storing system? That must hurt. > Gendo picked up the file, and looked at it. Tango: [Gendo] It appears to be a piece of paper with words on it. > It confirmed what Ritsuko had said, but in greater detail. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] when will I get to do something besides shuffling bits of paper? > " This means we can send the third up top." Ritsuko concluded. Dan: Isn't it cute how they've got a hokey nickname for the real world? Rebecca: No. Dan: You're right, it isn't. Silly me. > " The fourth?" Gendo asked, glancing over some photographs. Tango: The only place where he won't stand out is San Fancisco. > " He can't do the same. The arms don't have the right genetic structure > for it. Dan: That and there's four of them. Rebecca: Poor Goro. This is what happens to Mortal Kombat left-overs. > After all, the four armed Eva wasn't intended in the first place. Tsuneo: So why did it wind up with four arms anyway? Dan: They got a great deal on four laser swords. > He'll have to stay in the training centre until we can think > of something to do with him." Ritsuko explained. Rebecca: Get him a very big coat? Tsuneo: Give him his own comic? Dan: Get him to hold buckets? Tango: Pretend he's a piņata? > Gendo nodded, placing the papers back in the file. Dan: You're meant to look at them. > " I see." Gendo said. > " What do you intend to do with Unit-04?" Ritsuko asked. Rebecca: Probably auction it off on e-bay. > " Rei will pilot it for the moment." Tsuneo: Apart from the fact that she's already got a perfectly good EVA. > " I believe we have a suitable candidate from section 707 that could > pilot it." Ritsuko suggested. Dan: What'll this be, the nineteenth child? > " Then make it so." Gendo replied. Rebecca: Who do you think you are, Picard? Get your own schtick. > * * * * > > The school bells rang sharply, signaling the end of the lunchtime break. > The children slowly made their way back to their classrooms. Dan: Why? It's not like anything important's going to happen in here. Tsuneo: No, it's new kid introduction day. Again. Rebecca: I want to know where they find all the spare tables. > In classroom 2-A, rather than the loud arguing of Asuka and Matt, Tango: And the accompanying melody of shattering bones. > there was only a small hubbub of noise. Dan: Rhubarb rhubarb classroom rhubarb. > Even the teacher noticed how much quieter it was, as he > walked into the room. Tsuneo: Because as we all know, the teacher is an incompetent fool who couldn't notice his own class under his nose. > He was followed by a boy, roughly 15. Tsuneo: What a surprise. > He was fairly tall, and had red eyes and > ' a big puff of brown curly stuff that was supposed to be hair' Dan: Oh wow, it's the amazing afro boy! > { That's the description I got! :_: }. All: Huh? Rebecca: Ah yes. This would be someone else's character for the authour to mess up. > He wore a standard white shirt and black trousers, Dan: It'd look kind of silly the other way around. > and carried a small black and yellow backpack with him. Tango: With a little teddy bear on it. How manly. > He walked to the front of the class, just behind the teacher. Mels > face seemed to light up in recognition. Tsuneo: [Mel] Oh hey, whatever your name is. Long time, no... Um... Something. > " Students. A transfer student, from Australia, is joining us today." Rebecca: [Toji] It's hazing time. Kensuke, get the whipped cream. I'll try and find us a moose. > " Hi. I'm Ben Smith. Dan: [Ben] I've got the second most generic name in the whole world. Tango: why didn't the authour just call him "new EVA pilot 3," and be done with it. > Pleased to meet ya!" He said, his accent colouring > the Japanese slightly. Tango: [Ben] G'day, mates! It's rooly ocker to see all youse bruces and sheilas! > He gave a slight wave. > " Please take a seat, and we can begin." The teacher said. Ben nodded, > and took a seat close to Mel. Dan: [Ben, hick] I found something purdy. Hyuk, hyuk. Tsuneo: Er Dan, that's not Australian. > "[ Hey there. ]" He said. She turned to him. > "[ Hi. ]" She replied, smiling slightly. Rebecca: Remind me, what does the square brackets mean? Tango: I think that means they're speaking in Swahili. > "[ Where's Matt? Dan: [Ben, Italian] Sleepin' wid da fishes. Tsuneo: He's Australian, Dan. Dan: Whoops. > I thought he'd be here. ]" Ben asked, after taking a quick look around. > "[ He disobeyed the undercover order, and piloted Eva-00' in the last > battle. Rebecca: Translation: He's been a naughty boy. Tsuneo: I want to know why they're letting these kids out if their EVAs aren't ready. > He's down in isolation. ]" Mel replied. > "[ I see. ]" Ben turned this over in his mind, Dan: [Ben, western] And now, Mel's all mine, slappy! Tango: Nope, that's still not Australian. Dan: I figure I'll get it sooner or later. > clicking his tongue a > couple of times. "[ When do they intend on releasing him? ]" Tsuneo: Well, they're going to be putting out a beta this month. > "[ They'll probably give it a couple of days., an let him out when they > first scramble us. ]" Mel replied. Rebecca: They're going to scramble you? Tango: Yeah, and serve them with bacon. > "[ Oh. ]" Ben replied. He stared blankly out the window for a while, Dan: [Ben, Californian] Like dude, this is sooo dull. Rebecca: Keep practicing. > before the teachers drone about > Second Impact forced him to take a little snooze. Tsuneo: Here in generic EVA fanfic scene number three. > Ritsuko sat in her office, typing away at a multitude of reports and other > work. Rebecca: While filling in her tax form at the same time. Dan: Hey look, she's listed all the Reis in the tank as dependants. > Misato walked in, rapping her knuckles on the door frame as she did so. > " Hi there." Misato said. Ritsuko, without turning around, replied: Dan: [Ritsuko] Is there a reason for this, or are you just here to waste my time? > " Hello Misato." Misato walked calmly over, coffee cup in hand, and > stood next to Ritsuko. Rebecca: Is this one of these "we're not going to talk about it" talks? > " What're we gonna do about Unit-04?" Misato asked, now leaning against > Ritsuko's desk. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Oh, just drag any old uberkid off the street to pilot it. It's what we always do. > "We've got an activation test scheduled for it. Tango: [Ritsuko] We're going to try synchronising it with a Glazed McGuffin. > We'll be using the sixth as the test pilot" Ritsuko said. Rebecca: I thought he was kind of flat and dead. Tsuneo: I was right again. I hate being right some days. > " The sixth? The sixth child's been found?!" Misato asked, surprised. Dan: Yes, remember? Came in? Grunted? Stole the EVA? Tango: Processed for serving at the house of pancakes? > " Yesterday." Ritsuko replied Rebecca: Nice save. > Misato narrowed her eyes. ' Yet another lie' She thought. Dan: [Ritsuko] Would I lie to you? Er... Don't answer that. > " Who?" She asked, her voice partially betraying her distrust about the > matter. Tango: Twenty says it's Kensuke. > Ritsuko made a small > 'hmm' sound, and pushed a few buttons. The child's records, as held by > NERV, held up on screen. Dan: He's so fantastically interesting, he doesn't even get a name or description. Tsuneo: The authour's trying to create suspense by leaving us in the dark. > " I see." Misato said. " Hopefully, this shouldn't affect the others > performance." Rebecca: Now there's famous last words for you. > " Good. We can't afford to have another 'forth child' incident." > Ritsuko added. Dan: So don't keep the audience in suspense and just tell us! > * * * * > > The Skynyn warmasters were 'sat' around their 'planning room', discussing > the schematics of their latest weapon. Rebecca: [Prof. Frink] The Frinkotron 9000 is the most advanced computer of its kind! It is powered by dual S2 organs and is capable of over forty- thousand megaflops per fortnight. And it even runs Linux! > " Surely this system is not necessary." Dan: Oh sure, you say that now, but how about when you're busting to go? > One of them pointed out, though the true speech would've > sounded garbled and distorted, a high pitch screech that hurt the ears. Tsuneo: Brittany Spears! > " It must be done." Tango: Aw gee, do we have to? > Another replied, in the same language. The 3D wire-frame Dan: That's one heck of a cheap 3D card. Rebecca: Nah, the animators are adding some token computer graphics to make it look better. > floating in the centre of the 'table' Tsuneo: Okay, so if it's not a 'table,' and they're not 'sitting' at it, then what the heck is it? Tango: I'm guessing it's a wall. > zoomed in on the cockpit section. Dan: We figured out what was wrong with the early models. We didn't leave a space for the pilot. > " We cannot afford to lose pilots unnecessarily at this time." The > first stated. Rebecca: Of course, it would help if we had some idea of what they were looking at. Tango: I know what that is, I've got one at home. > " Yet we also cannot allow the terrans to get a grip on who we are or > why we attack them." Another interjected Tsuneo: Because the authour doesn't know. > " A Genetic sample cannot reveal why we attack them. It can only give > them an idea of who we are." The second pointed out. Dan: Really, really lame. Rebecca: Do they have facial tentacles? Inquiring minds want to know. > " Perhaps, perhaps not. We cannot judge the terrans by face value. We > must proceed with caution." Another said. Tango: We must take action! Dan: Yes! Tango: We must stop sitting around talking! Dan: Yes! Tango: We must do something now! Dan: Yes! > " Agreed. But, do not waste out best pilots on these machines, Tsuneo: Not that they can waste any pilots at all. Rebecca: Obviously redshirts don't count. > especially if this is only a recon > mission. The Terran's 'Evangelion' creatures surpass our own at this time. Dan: Translation: we're lame, and we can't do anything. > We must be wary." The Skynyn spat out the word Evangelion with disgust. Tango: Gendo Ikari, I despise you! And your little robot too! > " Very well. Let the Unit's launch." One said, and the Skynyn left > their war-room to begin preparations to begin their recon assault. Tsuneo: Recon assault? Isn't that a contradiction in terms? Dan: So they're beginning to prepare to begin an assault? > * * * * > One of SEELE's black monoliths appeared, Tango: Funnily enough, it was in the middle of the street. > followed by another, and another, Rebecca: Damn, now I'm breaking out in monoliths. > until the entire > ring of black numbered monoliths appeared. Dan: It's kind of like a computer-generated Stonehenge. Tango: Hey, they're making a strange buzzing noise... And now there are all these monkeys waving sticks at it. > The first one spoke. Tango [Monolith]: Who farted? > " NERV has become a dangerous threat to us and our plan." Rebecca: Meanwhile, back on the set of "Delta Invasion"... > " The 'Cyclone' Evangelions seem to be our biggest threat." The 7th > interjected. Tsuneo: So, and this is going to sound stupid, why did you let them build them in the first place? What kind of an omnipotent conspiracy are you anyway. > " True, but NERV in it's entirety is dangerous." The third commented. Tango: It's so big! > " Yet we cannot overlook that they defeated three of out Eva's in short > succession, one of which is still in their possession." Another added. Rebecca: Well, maybe if you'd attacked with all eight of your EVAs at once, maybe also using your millions of troops and a few N2 mines a la "End of Evangelion" you might have won and wouldn't be having this conversation. Tango: On the other hand, it would mean paying them all. > " Yes, but now two of theirs are damaged." The 15th said Dan: And do you know how hard it is to get replacement parts for those things? Tango: You know, they could just interchange old Gekigenger parts. They'd work. > " Then, we should attack?" The 12th asked. Rebecca: Well what did you just do? Tsuneo: I'm trying to figure that one out myself. > " Not yet. We require time to prepare. Tango: Requisition me the papers to legitimise this attack! > We must find a way to remove the civilian element.." The first said. Dan: Aren't they all technically civilians? > " And we cannot afford to lose the other X2 units yet." With that, > the monoliths disappeared. Rebecca: Megaman has to find the hidden fifth robot before he can get to Sigma's castle. Tsuneo: So why'd you just throw two of them away? > * * * * > > The door to the isolation room opened, and closed again shortly afterwards. Tango: I could watch this all day. > " The Camera's are off. For the moment." Gendo said. Dan: And you're going to believe him? Tango: Just like in episode thirteen, huh? > " What do you want?" Matt asked, looking at Gendo. Rebecca: Isn't that what everyone's asking about EVA? Dan: [Gendo] I want peace on Earth and good will to all men. > " Why did you disobey orders?" Gendo asked, not showing a trace of > emotion. Tsuneo: Because being rebellious and disrespectful is cool. Supposedly. > " Because you were gettin' you're asses kicked, Tango: No we're not, we're not donkeys. > and you haven't gotten my Eva out of fricken' > cryo-status yet." Matt replied, his voice filled with contempt. Dan: [Gendo] Cut me some slack here, I've been an evil genius for thirty fricking years. > " That is no reason to disobey orders." Gendo stated. Rebecca: [Matt] Okay, I wanted to. Happy? Dan: [Gendo] Much better. > " What? I'm not allowed to disobey a silence order to save you're sorry > ass? Tsuneo: Someone slapped a silence order on him? Thank you, god. > Fine then, next time, I won't bother." Matt asked, agitated. Dan: [Matt] Well don't come crying to me if you get your asses whupped. > " There won't be a next time." Gendo said. Tango: [Gendo] That's why I brought the revolver. > His glasses glinted in the minimal light. > " Whadda ya mean, 'There won't be a next time'? You can't kick me, Tsuneo: Kick, no. Shoot, yes. > I'm already part of the Eva." Matt complained, getting angry. Rebecca: [Matt] Dammit! You're not bowing down to my rebelliousness! > " The Eva is out of cryo-status." Gendo said, simply Tango: And should be hitting the shelves by next week. > " Ohh.... I get it. The Eva's out Dan: And has been sent back to the bench. > and you're gonna need me to 'rot' here for a couple of days for > some realism. Tsuneo: Realism? In this fic? Never! > No problem." Matt relaxed against the wall. Tango: Put on the blindfold and smoked his cigarette? > Gendo, having > finished, left silently. The camera in the corner flickered back into life. Rebecca: Meanwhile, on America's Stupidest Home Videos. > * * * * > > The alarm system throughout the Geofront blared into life, sirens wailing > and alarm lights flashing. All: We've got fanfic siiign! > Misato stumbled onto the command deck. Dan: [Misato, slurred] No, I washn't drinkin', honesht! Thunk! Tango: Nah, some wag just pulled the "Angel Alert" lever and ran off. > " What's going on?" She asked. Tsuneo: A crappy fanfic. > " We just detected another target. Four, to be precise." Aoba replied. > " Four?!" Misato asked. Rebecca: Oh no, not the Invadors again! > " Yes ma'am. They appeared about a kilometre from the coastline just > now." Dan: Just now, huh? Care to be any less precise? Tango: Okay, just then. Happy? > " How many Eva's are ready?" She asked, turning to Hyuga. Rebecca: [Hyuga] Why are you asking me? I don't actually do anything here. > " Eva's 01 and 02 are ready. Tsuneo: The others are still unassembled and need painting. > Eva unit's 00 and 03 are still in the repair bay." He said. Dan: And since you're using union labour, they'll be there for ages. > " What about Eva-04?" Maya asked. Tango: What about me? What about EVA-04? Rebecca: It's been pensioned off to the ECW. > " We can use it. Rei will pilot it." Ritsuko said. Tsuneo: Ritsuko, you're not the one who makes these decisions. > Maya nodded, turning to her microphone. Rebecca: [Maya] Attention K-Mart shoppers! > " All pilots, standby by for Eva launch." She said. Rebecca: Run the theme music! Cue the stock footage! Ready the stretchers and clear the hospitals! > " All civilians and noncombatants evacuated." Hyuga said. Dan: Whoah! That was quick! > " We're all ready to go." Misato nodded. > > Deep in the Geofront, Dan: Way down in deep thirteen. Tango: In a split level cave, twenty miles below the surface of the Earth. > three people sat in an unused office, one by a computer. Tsuneo: Hey look, it's the riffers. Rebecca: Ahem! Tsuneo: Oh yeah, fourth wall. Sorry, guys. > The camera in the corner not functioning. Dan: That's Gendo's story, and he's sticking to it. Tango: That's what happens when you get a Dick Smith job. > The alarm was a distant blare in the distance. Rebecca: Oh, they're in the Black Mesa complex. Tsuneo: Oh right, this is a fanfic fallout shelter. > "[ They've started.]" One of the three occupants said. Her two male > companions nodded. > "[ D'ya think they'll need us?]" One of them asked. The other shrugged. Tsuneo: You're not the regular characters, so I'm guessing you'll walk all over them and be invaluable. Dan: I dunno, what if they're special? > "[ If they do, they'll send us all.]" He said. The monitor of the > computer bleeped into life. > "[ I've got a feed.]" The first said. The other two moved around the > computer. Tango: I never knew Nerv's systems were so vulnerable. I imagine even Jeff Golblum could break into them. > " Due to the last battle inside the city, Rebecca: Land values have gone down again. > regarding the Eva-04 incident, our defense capability has > been reduced to 40% of it's standard level. Dan: Ie, nothing. Tango: What do you mean, reduced to? > That's useless for combat operations, so we're going to > have to intercept the targets before they make land." Misato explained to > the pilots. Rebecca: Isn't that the general plan anyway? Tsuneo: Are you asking the authour to think about it? > " Eva unit's 01 and > 02 will close in and attack the targets at close range. Eva-04 and Rei > will provide long range fire support with the Positron Cannon." She ordered. Dan: [Misato] This of course means Rei will have to fire through you guys. Hope you don't mind. > " Eva-03 will remain in reserve due to damage. Rebecca: Toji's got a groin strain. > It will only deployed as a final countermeasure." She added. Tango: He'll be deployed with the big pointy stick. Tsuneo: [Misato] So Toji can save the day and show you all up again. Dan: Again? > " Roger!" The reply came. > " Eva, Launch!" Misato ordered. The catapults holding Eva's 01, 02 and > 04 sprung into action, bringing the three Eva's up near the waters edge. Tsuneo: They don't *have* launch tubes by the water. They had to deploy the EVAs by air. Rebecca: Are you asking the authour to pay attention to the series? Tsuneo: It would be nice. > A selection of Eva weapon buildings opened, Dan: Ooh! Pick door number two! Door number two! > and Eva-2 grabbed a progressive axe, Tango: You can pick the progressive, or take what's in the box! > while Eva-01 grabbed a progressive sword. Rebecca: Hey look, Shinji's got a big weapon. Dan: [Shinji] I'm not compensating! Really! > A floor compartment > opened near Eva-04, and it took the positron cannon that came out, > latching it onto the Eva's right shoulder. Rebecca: [Rei] Lock and load. > They stood in ready stances as the four traces crawled out of the sea, Dan: Wasn't this in Godzilla versus Elgerzorene or soemthing like that? Tango: That and every other Godzilla film. > water dripping from the many spikes that adorned their bodies. Rebecca: Hey guys, it's goofy Invador time! Tango: I bet this one's going to have the head of Abraham Lincon! > The four were identical, > pinky-purple six legged creatures, each leg ending with two barbed hooks. Tsuneo: And that's what they're meant to walk on. Dan: That must be murder on a pair of shoes. > There were chitinous Tango: Is he allowed to say "chitinous" on prime time? > spikes across the back, and neck, leading to the head. Rebecca: I'm guessing these guys are really into spikes. > The 'faces' of the monsters had no visible eyes, and several > long tentacles, surrounded by a ring of teeth. Dan: It's the Cthulu youth! > There were no visible cores, Tango: They're keeping their weak spots hidden! What a surprising development! > and each of the creatures had a long tail, with a spiked end. Rebecca: Yes, but can they hide in a bush and disguise it as a flower? Tsuneo: That is officially ultra mega obscure. > " Mein Gott, they're ugly!" Asuka commented. Tsuneo: Look out, Asuka's speaking fanboy German! Dan: No, Rebecca at two AM is ugly. These guys aren't even close. Rebecca: Watch it, mister! [She hits Dan with a cushion] > " All right, move out!" Misato ordered. Eva-02 leapt forward, landing > in a crouch, and springing back into the air. Tango: [Asuka] I can fly! > Lifting the axe up, Asuka was about to slice through > one of the creatures, when another one leapt up, and hit her in mid flight. Tango: [Asuka] I can flllyyy... > She crashed to the floor, Tsuneo: Floor? You're by the seaside and you have a *floor?* What is this, Delta Invasion? Tango: Don't you know? They don't have any asphalt or concrete paving in 2015. All the roads are paved with pine. > the target landing nearby. It > turned around, and three of the targets leapt on her. > " Help!!" Asuka shouted. Rebecca: What a time not to be conspicuously absent. Tsuneo: Oh look, Asuka needs help. What an original and surprising developement that was. > Rei shot the fourth target, which fell to the floor, bleeding a green ooze > heavily from it's left side. Dan: See? Is not so tough! Tango: Don't get any of that stuff on you, it'll stink for a week. > Eva-01 ran up to Eva-02, attempted to hack away at the creatures. Tango: Hasssaaan chop! > Two of > them turned around, and leapt at the approaching Eva-01, pinning it, the > third still on Asuka. Rebecca: Getting a bit fresh, aren't we? Tsuneo: There's nothing fresh in this story. > Eva-02 > grabbed it by the tail, and swinging it over the Eva's head, flung it > away. Dan: Come on, that move went out in the fifties. > While the opposer was down, Tango: What's an opposer? Dan: I think it's got something to do with current. Tsuneo: Is it Kim Beazley? Rebecca: No-one knows what Kim Beazley is. > Eva-02 had the opportunity to stand, only to be attacked from behind by > one of the targets on Eva-01. Dan: So they're not actually doing anything, just leaping from EVA to EVA? Rebecca: Seems that way. Tango: Someone call the ref, this is meant to be a tag match! > Eva-04 shot the target that had just stood after being flung, but a > creature jumped on it. Tango: Hang on, if she could take out one of them with a single shot, why doesn't she just open up on all of them? Tsuneo: She had to pause for narrative. > " Where'd that come from!" Misato asked. The camera's showed that the > previously shot target had regenerated, Rebecca: Well that sure was quick. Dan: What do you expect, it's got a mutant healing factor. > showed by the green puddle of oozing blood on the floor Dan: Some poor sap's going to have to clean that up. Tsuneo: You'll never get that stain out of the *floor.* > near Unit-01, no longer spilling > from the side of a creature. The creature that Rei had just shot leapt on > Eva-01, helping it's counterpart. Rebecca: So this one doesn't have to wait to regenerate at all? Dan: Something like that. Rebecca: Some consistency would be nice at least. > Landing it's two barbed hooks either side > of the entry plug, the safety mechanism ejected the plug into the distance. Tsuneo: What, just like that? One scratch and it defeats unit 01? How ridiculous! Dan: Hang on, do these guys have AT fields or what? I mean, the authour never mentioned it. Rebecca: Well, I've got two theories on this. Either we have to assume that they do, since combat progressing normally, or the authour just forgot. > " Get a recovery crew to Shinji, now!" Misato ordered. The two > creatures, having immobilized their > target, turned and split up, one going to Eva-02, the other to Eva-04. > Gendo stood from behind his desk, unnoticed in the heat of battle. > " Fuyutski, take the con." He said quietly, turning to the mini-lift > nearby. Rebecca: The con? Is this a ship or something now? Dan: Hey, how long has he had a mini-lift anyway? Tsuneo: Just for the past three seconds. > " Going to get he backup?" Fuyutski asked, a slight joking tone in his > voice. Tsuneo: Nope, I don't see anything funny. You guys see anything funny? Rebecca: Well, the plot is a joke. > Gendo said nothing as he stood on the lift, which descended. Tango: Off to the batcave! > * * * * > > The door to the isolation room opened, and Matt Blake looked up at the > person in the doorway. Dan: [Matt] Santa! You came! > He smirked. Rebecca: Heaven forbid Matt take anything seriously. > " Its time, right?" He asked. Tango: Vader time? Rebecca: It's 2015. Vader may weigh eight hundred pounds and be eighty- seven, but he's still the champion over there. > The other person nodded in reply. Dan: Who could this mysterious stranger be? > Matt stood up, and walked over to > the person in the doorway, who gave him the key to his handcuffs. Rebecca: [Matt] That's nice, but how am I meant to actually get them off? Dan: [Gendo] You're the uberkid, you figure it out. > " Get the others, and launch immediately." He said, before leaving. Tango: [Gendo] You've got a plot to save! Tsuneo: Nothing could save this plot. > Matt's handcuffs clicked as the lock undid. Matt walked off down the corridor. Dan: [Matt] I've got Invadors to squash and sweet loving to get! > "[ Geez, they're getting there asses kicked.]" One of the two males said. Tango: I didn't know it was legal to kick donkeys in Japan. Rebecca: Isn't it wonderful that we've made them all incompetent so we can grab the glory? > The door to the office > opened, and the feed was quickly shut off. Matt Blake stood in the > doorway, smiling. Dan: [Matt] I'm back, large as life and twice as ugly. > "[ I mighta known.]" He said. Tango: Heaven forbid that the original cast are capable of doing anything on their own. > "[ C'mon, we're going.]" He added. The other three nodded, and > followed him to one of the cage lifts. Rebecca: Even omnipotent authour-created characters have to follow the almighty will of MATT! Dan: Hey, he's the boss, they're just his homies. > * * * * > > Misato looked on in horror as the targets and Eva-02 struggled. Tsuneo: Um... What about Rei? > Asuka was desperately trying > to stop the enemy with her progressive knife, but the wounds it was > inflicting were regenerating too quickly. Rebecca: You'll need to attack it with fire or acid. That's the only thing that can stop regeneration. Tango: Is the Prog knife silver? Some enemies can only be hurt by silver. Dan: Ahh... the GM's just making the monsters tougher as he goes on because he underestimated the players. > Hyuga's station bleeped erratically. Tsuneo [Hyuga]: Dinner's ready! > " Ma'am! We've got an unidentified Eva activation! Sector 4C!" Hyuga > said, checking the sensors. Tango: What would an Evangelion be doing in the canteen? Rebecca: Ask Kaji. > " Four Eva traces confirmed!" Aoba added. Gendo walked silently off the > mini-lift, Rebecca: Hastily rearranging his clothes as he went. > which had just stopped at the command centre floor. He sat back in his seat. Dan: You can bet he's got a huge, smug grin on his face. > " Can we stop it?" Misato asked. Tsuneo: The question is, would you want to? > " No ma'am, the codes aren't being accepted!" Maya said, pushing > several buttons. Rebecca: Have they tried control-alt-delete? > " Ma'am! They've just activated catapults 7 through 11!" Hyuga said. Dan: I thought there was only four of them? Tango: There's still only four of them, they just renumbered them. > Misato looked up at the > screen as the Eva's emerged from the catapults, flying through the air and > landing heavily on nearby ground. Tsuneo: [Misato] Okay, who forgot to bolt them down? Rebecca: That's just Matt. He's into extreme sports. Just don't ask about his piercing. > The first was very similar to Eva-01, Dan: Except completely different. > though it was Emerald green. The head was sleeker, and the chin was longer. Tango: Gasp! Jay Leno! > The ring around it's head was smaller, and was connected all the way around. Tsuneo: Even though it's connected on unit 01. > From the two sections either side of the entry plug sprouted great bat > like wings, Tango: Nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna bat-EVA! > the leathery inners a > dull red in contrast to the emerald green of the main bone which connected > them to the body. Dan: That's nice, but how did they get it up the elevator shaft? > The second looked almost identical to Eva-00's original orange model, Rebecca: Except it was puce. > except that it was bulkier and had four arms, Tsuneo: What's the bets it looks suspiciously like a model sheet of unit 00 with extra arms pasted on. > both sets mounted in shoulder positions, Dan: Where else would arms be mounted? > expanding the entire shoulder width > immensely. The chest, legs and waist were also broader, Tango: That EVA should lay off the donuts. > and it stood a head taller than the other Evas. Rebecca: I'm huge! > The third looked like Eva-04, except it was pure white rather than silver, > and the crimson sections were a deep midnight blue. Tsuneo: I don't recall EVA-04 having any red bits. Rebecca: It's like unit 03 in Fate of the Children which was suddenly turned into John's EVA-03. Dan: Except that it's blue where it's red instead of white. Tsuneo: Oh, that makes... What? > Two huge hawk-like wings sprouted from either side of the Entry > plug section, Dan: Or used to, before the went through the *elevator.* Tsuneo: Don't worry, I'm sure there'll be a perfectly lame reason why they're still attached. > unfurling as they did so. Rebecca: Hey, it's the Gundam Wing 0 Custom. > The fourth was completely different. Tsuneo: It was Matt's, so it gets a longer description. > It was slightly taller than the two winged Eva's, and was a > deep crimson colour. The head was wolf-like, Dan: Hey, they just pulled that off an Invador! Tango: [Matt] Aren't I cool? My EVA looks totally different! > with a long, thin snout-like section. Rebecca: To better sniff out termites. > The back of the head > had a large armoured section, divided into three spikes. Tsuneo: For absolutely no reason! Rebecca: Don't you wish fanfic authours who design new EVAs would keep in mind the original biblical symbolism? Dan: Who cares about that, they want to look cool. Not that they do. > The chest section and shoulders were like Eva-01's, Tango: Yes, when the action starts and the blood flying everywhere, I will fondly remember what its shoulders look like. > and the arms were black with red sections, There were two small > slits on either arm, by the wrist, Tsuneo: Wow, I wonder what those could be for. Tango: They're to deploy the Protoss psi-blades! Zzzt zzt who-hoo! > but they went unnoticed to the command crew. Dan: They were far too fascinated by the shoulders. > "[ Lets go.]" All: We need Megazord power! Now! > The words floated over the comm channel, but nobody on > the command crew ( At > least, nobody who didn't already know what was going on ) spoke the > language, Dan: So what language are they speaking? Tango: Welsh. Dan: That explains everything. > so they were all still confused. Tsuneo: Of course, you have to wonder why Gendo didn't tell anyone about this. Rebecca: Because it's just too goofy for words? > The green winged Eva grabbed the red wolf-like Eva, Tsuneo: Watch it, there could be a lawsuit in that. Dan: In America, *everything's* a lawsuit. Tango: Hey, it's clan Wolf versus Jade Falcon! > and with a sprint start, Rebecca: Your EVA could stand to lose some weight. Dan: [Matt] Shut up! It's not fat, it's just big-boned. > flew into the air > in the direction of the coast where Eva-02 and Eva-04 were fighting. Tsuneo: Uh, ladies? The enemy? Not each other? > The white Eva grabbed the orange Eva and followed suit. Tango: It's all the rage! > " Where are they going?!" Misato asked. Dan: Away! > " They're headed towards Eva's 02 and 04!" Hyuga shouted. Rebecca: [Hyuga] Oh yeah, and the monsters. > " Asuka! Rei! You're about to have company!" Dan [Misato]: So put the kettle on and put out the best silverware and the good china. > Misato shouted. Neither replied, too preoccupied > with the situation at hand. Rebecca: either that or they just didn't care. > " It might be hostile!" She added. Dan: Better gloop it just to be sure. > The Green Eva dropped it's red wolf-like passenger over Eva-02's position. Dan: Bombs away! > It landed next to the Eva-02, and turned to face it. Tsuneo: The bad guys are the other way. > Eva-02 was on its back, lying on the > floor, trying to beat off the two > creatures on it. Tango: Oh no! The dogs of doom are licking her to death! > The green Eva landed next to the crimson one. Rebecca: Are you going to do anything, or just pose? Dan: They can't help it, they're McFarlane EVAs. > " Help!" Asuka shouted again. Tango: [Red EVA] Do you reckon we should? Rebecca: [Green EVA] Nah, I'm not finished posing yet. I've got two points of poseability and I'm damned if I'm not going to use them. > The crimson Eva leapt across Eva-02, tackling one of the creatures in > it's path, knocking them away. Rebecca: Spear! Spear! > Eva-02 stood up, to see the other creature > leaping towards it, claws aimed for the face. Dan: Not in the face! Not in the face! Tango: Someone could really use a manicure. > It never made it. The Green Eva, axe in hand, slashed across the gap, and > the creature leapt onto the axe. Tsuneo: [Creature] I probably didn't mean to do that. > The Green Eva swung the axe around and slammed the creature > into the floor. Dan: HASSSAAAN CHOP! > Eva-04 rolled away from it's two attackers. It got onto one knee, several > holes in it's chest bleeding. Rebecca: When body piercing goes to far. > The two creatures turned for another leap. Dan: Maybe not at each other, guys. > The first was crushed by the impact of the four-armed orange Eva. Tango: Give uncle Scrotor a hug! Rebecca: Go Goro. He's the real talent in this fic. > The Eva grabbed the creatures head, and ripped it from it's corpse, Tsuneo: Is this really necessary? > just to certify it's opposers death. Tango: No, you're only supposed to chop off its ear so you can wave around how you've got a level 41 kill. Dan: [Deep] Fatality. > The other creature leapt sideways, Rebecca: [Singing] It's just a jump to the left. > avoiding the landing of the white hawk-like Eva, Tsuneo: Ha-ha, you can't get an instant kill. > but the white Eva turned to the > creature, and, opening it's right shoulder blade, fired a volley of spikes > into the creature. Tsuneo: Cue a horrendously improbable and out-of-place weapon. Dan: Next thing you know, everyone will want one. > As it > attempted to recover, the white Eva leapt on it, Tango: Death from above! Tsuneo: Haven't those things got spikes all over them? > landing on its back. Rebecca: And promptly impaled himself. > The green Eva wrenched the axe from it's opposition, but before it could > make another swing, Dan: At least it didn't "swang." Thank you. > the creature disappeared in a green flash. Rebecca: Oh, who let fly? That is just disgusting. > The nearby white Eva wrenched the blue core from the body > of the creature it had attacked, Tsuneo: So do they make these things with detachable cores now? > and dropped the core nearby. It kicked the dead creature. Tango: These guys have something about mutilating corpses. Not that I'm complaining, but it's worth noting. > The wolf-like Eva extended two claws from either arm. Dan: Oh look, it's Wolverine. And without the benefit of Larry Hamma's writing. Rebecca: Benefit? Dan: Well, compared to this. > It sliced the target Rebecca: Hang on, two are dead and one of them's disappeared, so why is the other one still hanging around? Tsuneo: Because god-boy hasn't had a chance to show off yet. > with its left arm, and > then stabbed the opposer with it's right set. Then, it's mouth opening, it > grabbed the creatures head in > it's sharp teeth, and wrenched the head section from the body. Dan: Yummy! Tsuneo: What's he planning to do with that? Tango: Oh, he's going to stuff it and put it on his mantelpiece. > The creature died, and something inside the head exploded, All: Oooohhh! > melting it's inner sections. The wolf-like Eva dropped > the head, and shut its mouth. Dan: Yes, but did it know its role? > " Now that, is a good way to kill something!" Tango: What, make them die of it? > A voice floated across the comm channel. Tsuneo: Floated across? Dan: Maybe the guy's high. > A video link to the orange four-armed Eva appeared on screen. Rebecca: Will our mystery guest sign in please. > The pilot had black hair, and four arms, with massive shoulders. [They all start chanting "Goro"] > He also had red eyes, and his orange neural > transceivers stood out from his hair. His > entry plug suit was also orange and black. Tsuneo: [Pilot] Hi there! I've got no name, no personality and no life of my own! In fact, I'd be completely unnotable apart from this hilariously improbable deformity of mine! > " True, but I still like my way." The crimson Eva's video link opened, > and showed Matt Blake, All: AACK! Dan: Don't do that! Tango: [Matt] Sorry about the face. > wearing crimson neural transceivers to match his crimson and black Entry > plug suit. Rebecca: He's wearing red, so he's got to be cool. Never mind they've already got a red EVA. > " That's because you're a bloodthirsty psycho." Tsuneo: No arguments there. Dan: I like him. He's got taste. Tango: You're not allowed to like him! He's not Matt! > The green Eva's video link opened, showing Mel > Smee, wearing green neural transceivers that were a lighter colour than > her emerald green and black entry plug suit. Dan: Oh right, never mind. It's Mel. Damn. > " Well, that's Mat for ya!" The white Eva's video link opened, showing > Ben smith, Rebecca: [Ben] Have I mentioned how tremendously cool Matt is? I wake up sobbing uncontrollably every morning that I'm not him! It's kinda pathetic, really. > wearing white > neural transceivers, and a white and black entry plug suit. Tsuneo: He looks so thrilled to be here. Tango: [Ben] Hold on, I've got to insert a line of generic Aussie dialogue. > Matt turned to face the bewildered bridge crew. Dan: [Matt] I'm going to be a dickweed now. Tough luck. > " Oh, hi. This is my other job." He joked, smiling. Rebecca: [Matt] Not that I have a job in the first place. > " Well, what did we find?" The Skynyn were reconvened, but another of > their kind stood among them. Tango: We found this spoon, sir! > " They are more powerful in one on one combat, but we believe we can > beat them in numbers." The newcomer said. Rebecca: That must be professor Frink, then. Tsuneo: It's moronic enough for this fic, certainly. > " What did we lose?" One of the warmasters asked. Dan: Credibility. > " Three heirophants. Only two of the acidic systems worked." Another > reported. Tsuneo: Our monsters are amazingly weak and defective. We are lame. Laugh at us now. > " So now they have one of our dead to analyze? This is not good." Tango: Nothing around here is good. > The council of SEELE were grouped, their black monoliths seeming to gleam > in the minimal light. Dan: Okay guys, time to break out our doctor Evil jokes. Tsuneo: Is it wrong to hope they'll be characterised properly? Rebecca: Yes. > " The 'Cyclone' Eva's are far more powerful than we thought." The 22nd > said. Tsuneo: 22? Getting a little bit carried away here. Tango: They must have guests over. > " Yet, we cannot ignore the fact that those other creatures acted > unlike Angels in every manner." The 15th commented Dan: Apart from appearing out of nowhere and having cores. > " Then we can assume that they are not Angels at all." The first said. Rebecca: Very observant. So maybe they're Invadors? > " So what shall we do about it?" The 7th asked. Tango: What can we do about it? Tsuneo: Um... Nothing? Tango: Then we'll do that. > " We will let NERV deal with them. We can use the time to upgrade our > Eva's and create others. Rebecca: Until they attack us. > Our associate is in the process of obtaining the genetic upgrades required > for us to create Eva's based on these 'cyclone' designs., Tsuneo: Look out people, here comes more stupidly designed super-EVAs! > we must bide our time carefully, while we > still have it." The first replied. Tango: Why are they waiting if they've got limited time anyway? Dan: Would this be an appropriate juncture for some diabolical laughter? > Well, after months of depression and writers block Rebecca: No need to get over it on our account. > ( Both oddly sured by four or five episodes of Sailor Moon ? ) Dan: So we can blame DiC for this chapter? > I have finally got the third chapter of Cyclone Project done. All: Damn. > I must say, the depression was caused when I found that my story was being > MSTed, Tango: What, us? Naaah. > but I realizedthat I can at least find out hwre people think I went > wrong and improve on it for other fanfictions. Tsuneo: So why didn't you improve it for this chapter? > I've got another few in the pipeline. > You probably won't see 'em for a while though :_: All: Thank you. > Anyway, any comments, questions, flames, suggestions etc, mail me at > Evander@McMail.com [The TV switches off] Tsuneo: And to think, we almost stopped this chapter from happening. Rebecca: we should try harder next time. Tango: Did you know that this fic's authour has dropped some unsavory comments in Tom Dyron's direction? Dan: Pot. Kettle. Figure it. Voice: That's tremendously exciting, but can I have a review instead? Dan: I am seriously waiting for a fic with at least a halfway credible fight scene in it. I mean, in this one, first Matt was amazingly over- powered, considering he's never synced with that EVA before, that it's damaged and he's never been in real combat before. Then come the Synkyn, whose amazingly quick regenerative powers just plain don't kick in when the Cyclone EVAs are killing them in amazingly improbable ways. Not only was it stupid, it's also really inconsistent. Tsuneo: Once again, the characters of Matt Blake and the cyclone kids got to me. But it's not so much Matt this time; it's the amazingly bland other children. We've got Mel, who can't do or say anything unless it's to support Matt. Then there's Ben, who's grand total of characterisation is that he's Australian, but will probably not act a thing like it. But the best part is the final, four-armed EVa pilot, who'se name is apparently "him," "that guy" or "the other one." Basically, these new characters are introduced with no thought and no personality. Tango: This fic has left me darker than I would've felt at Blackpool beach. Rebecca: The plot of this episode was just amazing. There's a fight, followed by some exposition, and then another fight. Wow. Basically, we had several bland and generic scenes cobbled together. There's a fight, where the regular cast is saved by the Uberkid. Then several people stand around and say things to move the plot along, while there is a generic new kid introduction scenes. Then, surprise surprise, there's another fight where the Uberkid and his buddies save the regular cast. The characterisation is somehwere between minimal and non-existant, and the dialogue is done in a way to provide as much exposition as quickly as possible. Tango: Say... Who do you reckon would win? Matt or Tom? Rebecca: Why not make it Matt or Tom or DJ? Dan: Well I say Matt would win. He's got his army of witless minions. Rebecca: But Tom has John. Dan: But there's only one of John and three of Matt's witless minions. Rebecca: Yeah, but John's special. Dan: Right, silly me. Tango: So what about Jon Ellis then? Tsuneo: When Jon does something besides get beat up, I'll let you know. Rebecca: And don't forget, Tom's got MAD Wrestling SKILLZ! Tsuneo: You had to bring Wrestling into this somehow. And MAD SKILLZ. Tango: Hey! Don't knock the MAD SKILLZ. Tsuneo: I'm getting out of here. Dan: Sounds like the proverbial plan. [They all get up and leave] Voice: I want MAD SKILLZ. [The screen goes blank] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Tango Charlie is copyright 1997-2000 TS Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. evafiction.animecenter.com Contains 1001 appaulingly bad fics, just like this one. evacorp.cyril.com World's largest EVA resource; contains 1001 reasons why this fic is impossible. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > " Stupid piece of.......Limping like a............useless > friggin'........"