Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's episode 99, which means that Elmer 100 is bearing down on us! Aiee! In the meantime, it's time for another generous helping of Evangelion self-insertion goodness. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion: The Dark Side is copyright raiu@northcoast.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] [Dan, Rebecca and Tsuneo enter] Dan: Hello? No-one here? Damn, he's done it again. Rebecca: So does that mean we're getting- [Perfectly on cue, the door swings open. Tango rides in on the back of what looks for all the world like a bipedal half-cow half-pig, plated in green armour. There is a radiation hazard symbol on the side.] Tango: What ho! Dan: What ho? Tsuneo: What the? Rebecca: What is that thing? Tango: You like her? She's my Nali War Cow. Say hi, Chelsie. Chelsie (The cow, obviously): Moo. Tango: Ain't she adorable? [Tango climbs off and pats Chelsie on the back. the cow wanders out the door, which slams shut after her.] Rebecca: That is the second weirdest thing I've ever seen. Tsuneo: And the first is riding it. Tango: So what's new? Dan: Nothing, just Rick isn't here, again. Rebecca: You haven't actually met him, have you? Tango: Nope, don't know him. Dan: Hm... I've got a hunch, you know. Rebecca: What are you on about now? Dan: Take a look at his eyes. Tango: That's a bit difficult. I suppose I could pop one out... Tsuneo: Yeah, so what? Dan: Well, one's more open than the other. Rebecca: [Bored] So? Dan: So? Someone else does that! Rebecca: What are you getting at? Dan: [Points at Tango] I think you're Rick in disguise! [Dead silence] Tango: Don't you point that point at me! Tsuneo: You're kidding. Dan: No, seriously! Rebecca: Why would he disguise himself as Tango? Dan: 'Cause he gets paid more as an occasional extra. Tango: That's absurd, I don't get paid! Dan: Come on, that rubber mask's so fake. Tsuneo: I think that's his real skin. Dan: Really? But it's so thick and fake-looking. Tango: You take that back! Dan: Off it goes! [Dan pounces on Tango and tries to pull his face off with obviously limited success] Tsuneo: I don't believe this. Rebecca: Dan, will you stop that? It's clearly not Rick. Dan: No! I think it's moving! Tango: That's my prosthetic nostril! Rebecca: Dan, Stop it! Dan: Never! I'll prove I'm right! Tsuneo: Oh, good grief. [Tsuneo grabs the computer chair and hits Dan over the head with it. Dan collapses to the ground, dazed.] Rebecca: Happy? Tango: You didn't have to do that, I was just getting warmed up! Voice: If you guys are finished destroying my furniture- Tango: Why look, it's Lactose the Intolerant! Voice: Yeah, very funny. Tango: No, really! He's out the window! Tsuneo: You're just seeing things. [He checks out the window anyway] Tango: Well he was! But the little Mengs took him away! Rebecca: Rrrright. Voice: Well we do have a fic to do, so if someone could scrape up Dan, can you please get to it? Rebecca: Oh, alright. [Rebecca dumps Dan in the forwards-facing couch, then sits next to him. Tsuneo and Tango take the sideways couch] Dan: [Dazed] Did I miss anything? Voice: Today's fic is entitled "Evangelion: The Dark Side." [They all groan] Deal with it. [The TV switches on] > Disclaimer: Dan: 1: A warning of contents. 2: A statement of ownership or proprietorship. 3: Covering your ass. > This story takes place after Episode 26 of the series. The movies never > happened in this timeline. Rebecca: Oh boy, here we go again. Tsuneo: Everyone's sixteen years old, the movies never happened and there's an obnoxious uberkid hanging around and Kaji's alive and boinking Misato. Tango: Come on, you don't know that for sure. Tsuneo: But it happens every time! > The story, its original contents and ideas, and any > original characters belong to the author and cannot be used or reprinted without > the author's permission. All other characters belong to their respective > owners. Dan: Does that mean there's more than just EVA characters here? Tango: All characters copyright Gainax. Gainax copyright Gainax, 1997-2000. We own your ass. > Genesis 1.01 > Dark Dragon, Dark Ally Tango: Da Dragon? > Outer space Tsuneo: Space. It's big and cold. Rebecca: Care to be any more specific? > Fifty thousand years ago Rebecca: I guess that helps. Dan: Are we going to have ancient astronauts again? Tsuneo: This is where the mythical X-Com content of NXE finally crops up. > "AAH! Don't these bastards ever give up?!" All: No. Dan: Depends. Who are they? Tsuneo: They keep writing fics that are all the same. > "'Fraid not, buddy!" a voice replied over the comm. link between the > two star fighters. > As the pilot dodged another volley of laser fire, he saw the other > fighter explode in a flash of light. Tango: Aie. Dan: We'll always remember you, "buddy." > "NOOO!" the pilot screamed, almost losing control of his own > fighter. Rebecca: [Pilot] He owed me five spacebucks. Tsuneo: This scene is so moving because we care about the characters. > He looked forward again and saw a sphere of energy rocketing > straight toward him. Tango: Great, it's that claoked Romulan ship again. > He had just enough time to scream before the sphere hit, > blowing the fighter into millions of pieces. Dan: This is touching. Say, did anyone bring any snacks? > NERV HQ > Present day Rebecca: Well that really contributed to the story. > "Crap." Misato swore. "Not another one!" Tango: [Misato] These fanboys just don't quit! > "What now, Katsuragi?" Gendo asked. Rebecca: [Misato] It's this script. You're scheduled to die in chapter two. Dan: [Gendo] Oh yeah? Chapter three will turn your wossname. > "A large crater. Can't scan the interior. Possible Angel landing." Tsuneo: In so far as angels land as opposed to just "appear." Rebecca: Plot coming. In sentence. Fragments. > "Where?" > "A mile due north of the outskirts of Tokyo 3," Misato replied. > "Send Shinji and Rei. EVA-00 should be repaired by now. Tsuneo: What, repaired from being disintegrated? Rebecca: Yes, through the miracle of fixes! > With Geo-front still flooded, Dan: When did that happen? Tango: Just then. Dan: Just when? Tango: Just now. Dan: Huh? > we can't risk an Angel attack." Tsuneo: More or less than usual? Rebecca: Especially with them all gone. > Outskirts Dan: Hey look, it's Tom pegging Jeff over the cliff. Tango: [Jeff] I said no witnesses... SPLAT! > "If this is just another meteor," Shinji groaned over the comm., Rebecca: Another meteor? Tsuneo: Oh yeah, they pop up all the time. > "I'm gonna be pissed." Tango: Shinji's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it any more! Rebecca: I can't imagine Shinji saying "pissed." > " . . . " Dan: Rei, we agree. > "This is becoming really irritating. Over the last month, we've had > fifteen meteor crashes. Not one of them turned out to be an Angel, like Gendo > thought." Tsuneo: Say, wouldn't the Magi warn them as soon as an angel shows up? Rebecca: It's broken. It's demanding the FTB. > The two pilots continued on 'til they reached the crater. Dan: [Shinji] So Rei, what are you doing tonight? Rebecca: [Rei] ... Dan: [Shinji] Oookay. > They > climbed the slope and looked down into the crater. What they saw was no > surprise. > "Great." Shinji moaned. "Another empty crater." Tsuneo: You know, if they've had about fifteen meteor strikes, the whole city would be flattened. Er, again. > "Churahk kou ne?" a voice called out from behind the two EVAs. Tango: Well f'tuzz you too! Rebecca: Your hovercraft is full of eels? Why didn't you say so? > They quickly turned to see a large humanoid creature. Only it had > wings, a serpentine neck and tail, and a Velociraptor-like head. Tsuneo: So it wasn't humanoid at all, was it? Dan: Well, no. Tsuneo: So it was more kind of dragon-like. Dan: Nnnyyy...yeah. > It's skin was > solid black with a few silver highlights. A ring of horns crowned the back of > its head. Two blades stuck out from each of its forearms, the ones closest to > its wrists pointing forward, the others pointing backward. It wore a pair of > shorts in some kind of skin-tight material. Dan: So... it's a dragon wearing boardshorts? Rebecca: Yes, but are they made from an old Nazi flag? Tango [Dragon]: I am the diceman! I am the walrus! Koo koo ca choo! > (Author's note: For those of you > who've played Final Fantasy VII, just imagine the Summon Materia Bahamut plus > the arm blades, color difference, and shorts.) Tsuneo: Go Bahamut Zero. Rebecca: TM2 Megatron's way cooler. > "A dragon!" Shinji exclaimed. All: NAW! Rebecca: Check if it's got a little pink ribbon on its tail. Tsuneo: Why is the dragon wearing board shorts? > "Ah, so." The creature stated in perfect Japanese. "I'm on Terra. > Good to be back." > "Who are you and whose side are you on?" Shinji asked. Tango: Never mind, just hack! > "That depends." > "On what?" Rei inquired. Rebecca: [Dragon] Do you have a dragon orb? > "We'll see," the creature cryptically replied Dan: He just forgot his lines. > before leaping into the air and flying off. Dan: Quick, follow it to its lair! It's got two lots of treasure type H! > "Damn!" Shinji swore. "Well, I guess it's back to base for now." Tsuneo: Don't worry about tracking or following it or anything. > NERV HQ, debriefing room > "What do you mean, you didn't find anything out about it?!" Gendo > screamed. Rebecca: Well, we found out that it wears board shorts. > "Shinji asked it who it was and whose side it was on," Rei answered. Tango: Because of course that's the most natural response. Dan: Are you serious? Tango: Well, only after [Screaming] They're everywhere! Kill 'em all! Charlie in the trees! AACK! Dan: Never mind. > "Then it flew off," Shinji added, "saying 'we'll see.'" Rebecca: [Rei] Then it mooned our EVAs. > Before Gendo could respond, the trio heard knocking. Dan: Who's there? Tango: Lettuce. Dan: Lettuce who? Tango: Lettuce in, it's cold out here. Rebecca: B-doom, tish. > Gendo walked over and opened the door to see a young man standing there. Dan: [Gendo] Ah, the pizza's arrived. You're a minute late. Tango: [Pizza boy] Come on, I couldn't find the place. I mean, who knows where "heaven's door" is? Rebecca: Just a minute late is pretty good for delivery to an ultra-secure military stronghold under a destroyed city. > He stood six feet > tall, with black, shoulder length hair, wearing a black shirt, black jeans, > black sneakers, black single-lens wraparound shades, and a black leather trench > coat Tsuneo: [Man] Yeah. I'm cool. Un-huh. I'm so cool 'cause I rip off the Matrix. Unh-yeah. I'm a dude. Tango: Oh my god, it's Tom Dyron! He's back from the dead, and he's pissed! > "What do you want?" Gendo snapped. Dan: [Kid] One of the girls in those tight rubber outfits in my bed. > "Are you Commander Ikari?" the young man asked. Rebecca: [Gendo] Hold on, let me check. Hm... According to this, my name is "Machine Wash Only." > "Yes." > "Ah, good. I've been looking for you for the past few hours. > You're a hard person to locate." Dan: What's so hard to locate about him? Number one, Geofront. It's a perfectly reasonable address. > "I'll say it again. What do you want? I'm busy right now." Tango: [Kid] I want a burger and a beer. Rebecca: [Mr. Morden] Tell me what you really want. > "Oh, yes. Forgive me." The young man said as he bowed. "My name is > Raiu Kusanagi. Tsuneo: [Sniggers] Oh yeah. *Rai*-u. He ain't the dragon. No, really, he ain't. Rebecca: But you can call me Bob. > I was told to find you. I'm an engineer." Dan: [Raiu] I am a farmer. Rebecca: Tell someone who cares. > "We could use another engineer. Tango: [Gendo] You can apply for employment through the usual channels. Your forms will take about nine years to process. See you later. > How old are you?" > "Sixteen." Dan: Whoops. New kid alert. Rebecca: So you can't pilot an EVA. Tough break. > "You look like you're at least twenty," Shinji stated bluntly. Tango: [Shinji] And you've got a pink ribbon around your tail. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Uh, I don't have a tail! No, really! > "Appearances can be deceiving," Raiu responded cryptically. Tsuneo: [Gendo] So you're actually a dragon, then. Dan: [Raiu] No! Not at all! > I've heard that voice somewhere before, Rei thought to herself, it's > so familiar. Tsuneo: Hmm, could it be that he's the dragon? Rebecca: [Rei] Didn't we meet in a test tube? > "How skilled are you?" Gendou inquired. Tango: [Raiu] I've got MAD SKILLZ! And treasure type H times two. No! Forget that bit. > "That depends." > Now I know I've heard that voice before, Rei thought. Dan: [Rei] It's smug and annoying, where do I know it from? Rebecca: Everywhere? > "On what?" Tango: [Raiu] On how much you pay me. > "Which EVA you want me to work on. Dan: EVA-04! Pick EVA-04! > I can repair and maintain any EVA, depending on which one it is." Tsuneo: So that's not any EVA, is it? > "Alright then." Gendo stated. "If you're so sure of yourself, follow > me." Rebecca: To his bedroom? The hell? Dan: Aren't there any proper procedures to go through? You know, lock him up, interrogation, have him beaten into a pulp by the MiBs? Tango: I blame Seele. They're responsible for everything. Even the purple weasels. > EVA Docking Bay Tsuneo: He's untried, untested and of questionable loyalty, so we're going to let him loose in one of the most secure places in the whole base. > "We've been having constant problems with that EVA." Gendo stated, > pointing to EVA-00. Dan: [Gendo] Something about it blowing up. Rebecca: [Raiu] I could be mistaken, but the fact it's been reduced to random atoms might have something to do with it. > "Find it and fix it." Tango: [Raiu] Where to begin.... Let's see, there's this giant crater outside Tokyo... Oh wait, that *is* Tokyo. > "I can tell you right now what the problem is." Raiu replied flatly. > "External power source." Dan: Okay, who forgot to plug the EVA in? Rebecca: Nice call, god. boy. What do you propose to do about it. > "What other kind of power source is there for an EVA?" Shinji asked. Dan: AA batteries! Tango: Hamsters on little wheels! Rebecca: Artificial quantum singularities! Tsuneo: Nuclear based cannons! > "The S2 engines won't work with EVA-00 and EVA-02." Dan: Why not? Rebecca: Mainly because they don't have them. > "Not a problem. Just give me the design specs of an S2 engine, and > I'll build ones for each of the EVAs." Rebecca: Let's see... you need a dead angel, a whole lot of LCL... Tango: And a lot of Elerium 115! > "First, find the problem I was talking about and fix it," Gendo > ordered, inwardly smiling since there was no problem. Tsuneo [Gendo]: Heh... I'm about to be shown up by the god-boy and I'm proud of it! > "Alright." Raiu stated as he jumped over the railing before anybody > could stop him. Rebecca: SPLAT! > They ran up to the railing and looked down to see Raiu rapidly > climbing down the cross beams holding up the catwalk. In a matter of seconds, > Raiu was on the ground, walking toward EVA-00. He reached the giant robot's > foot and studied the EVA. Tango: Hang on, if this is the EVA cage, shouldn't he be underwater... or whatever that stuff is? Dan: I always thought it was red Kool-aid myself. > "Aw, bloody hell, this is gonna be fun!" Raiu shouted to everyone. Tsuneo: Except they couldn't hear him, since he was underwater. Rebecca: What's that, Raiu? You're out of air? > Having said that, Raiu began indiscriminately ripping the armor off > the EVA and tossing pieces aside. Tsuneo: And how precisely does he plan to do that? Tango: He's using his supernatural strength as well as his teeth and claws. Rebecca: Hey, can't you see the inspection panel? We put it there for a reason! > He circled the foot, still ripping out parts. > Raiu then climbed the leg, ripping more parts of the armor away. Once he had > made it up to the thigh, Rebecca: Great. He's trying to get to second base with EVA-00. Tango [Rei]: I should sue for harassment. > he jumped down. All: Jump! Jump! Jump! > Everyone looked away, expecting him to go splat. All: Splat! Splat! splat! > When they heard no sound, the looked back to see Raiu spraying the > leg of the EVA in some sort of clear substance. Dan: Oh, that's disgusting! Can't you hold on a minute? Rebecca: What's he doing? Tango: I think he's marking his territory. > "Just what is he doing in there?!" Gendo shouted to an engineer that > happened to be standing close to EVA-00 after staring at the EVA for almost half > an hour in shock. Rebecca: Notice how at no point do we see him land. Dan: That's so we don't see the wings. > "I don't know!" Tsuneo: [Gendo] And why are we letting him get away with it? > As Gendo, Shinji, and Rei began walking toward the elevator, the > EVA's leg began glowing bright blue. Rebecca: Is that meant to happen? Tango: Eat at Joe's. Eat at Joe's. > The glow soon disappeared, leaving what > appeared to be the old armor of the leg in place. Dan: And what did this achieve? Tsuneo: It's better. Dan: How? Tsuneo: It just *is.* > Raiu climbed partway down the > leg and then jumped off, landing safely on his feet in a crouch. All: Spoon! > He stood up and tried to wipe some of the substance from his face, Rebecca: Mad dog! Mad dog! > but only succeeded in > smearing it more. Raiu finally got a hold of a rag and was wiping himself off Rebecca: [Rei] Raiu? Dan: [Raiu] Yes? Rebecca: [Rei] That's not a rag. > when Gendo and the two teens reached him. Tango: It's the latest teen pop sensation! Fresh off the assembly line. > Gendou grabbed the teen's shirt and pulled him close to his face. > "Do you realize that you have just ruined over two decades of > work?!" Tsuneo: Do you realise they haven't *had* EVAs for even two decades? Dan: Ssh. God-boy's about to brag. > Raiu just stared at him blankly. Rebecca: Raiu? You there? No, he's just put someone through a table. > "Y-you accomplished that much after two decades?" Dan: They would have accomplished more, but they used union labour. > "Yes!" the Commander snapped. "And you just ruined it! You're > fired!" Tsuneo: [Raiu] I don't even work for you. Dan: [Gendo] Fine. Raiu, you're hired. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Why, thank you. Dan: [Gendo] Raiu, you're fired. Tsuneo: [Raiu] D'oh! > "I haven't even been officially hired yet! In half an hour, I fixed > two decades of screw-ups. Tango: [Raiu] Look, I upgrade the EVAs to version 4.20, fixed your virtual memory problems, changed your OS to Linux... Hell, I even got rid of the squeak in the entry plug. > Just ask your computer techs up in the control room > to scan the leg. The gel enhances an EVA beyond what you think is possible." Dan: [Gendo] Say, where'd that gel come from? Rebecca: [Raiu] That's none of your damn business. Dan: [Gendo] So can you get some more? Rebecca: [Raiu] After my next meal. > As if she'd heard Raiu, Maya contacted Gendo over the intercom. Tango: [Maya] According to this, EVA-00's leg is made out of cheese. > "Before you do anything rash, Commander, I think you should hear > what we found out. Tsuneo: [Maya] Soylent Green is made of people. > After Raiu finished with EVA-00's leg, the power drain > dropped to less then a fraction, Dan: I know what he did. He died with a $50,000 debt. Rebecca: And a $50,000 bonus to whoever gets that... > strength and endurance was doubled, and > efficiency is off the scale. Not to mention the fact that the armor is now > three times stronger." Tango: Hey, does it work for five dollars thirteen an hour? > "How long will it take you to do this to all the EVAs?" Gendo asked. Rebecca: [Raiu] That depends on how much curry I have. > "Not only can I do that, I can redesign the Entry Plugs so that it > takes a mere thirty seconds to activate an EVA and synchronize it with the > pilot. Tsuneo: It takes less than that now. > Plus synchronization will be a hell of a lot easier." Dan: Not that any of the pilots have problems with that. Rebecca: [Raiu] I'm going to uninstall the berserk button. Tango: [Gendo] Awww... > "Holy shit!" Shinji exclaimed. Tango: Sweet mother of Jesus in a sidecar with a side-order of chocolate Jimmys and a lobster bib! > "The only problem is that the Entry Plug will have to be placed in > the EVA's brain case instead of the spine." Rebecca: This will require delicate modifications. Tango: Get the ice-cream scoop! > Several days later, midnight Dan: Stuff happened. > Gendo sat at his desk, pondering the arrival of Raiu. Tsuneo: Well, he's definitely there. Tango [Gendo]: And the strangest bit is, I recall ordering a meat lovers and garlic bread. > The young man had proven to be a valuable asset, however strange he may be. Rebecca: Pink ribbon, two ton mace and all. > Gendo had almost denied Raiu permission to redesign the Entry Plugs, Tsuneo: Any reason? Dan: Because the authour doesn't like Gendo. Tsuneo: Makes sense. > then realized the merits of > almost instantly activating all three EVAs with increased power and armor at no > cost to Tokyo 3. Dan: It would cut their power bills while allowing them to keep the stereo on longer. Tango: What does Gend care about Tokyo 3 anyway? > "I'll have to keep my eye on that boy." Gendo thought aloud. Tsuneo: Great, now he's talking to himself. > "He may just prove to be more trouble than he's worth. Dan: When he forms his rock band, you know you're in trouble. > At least I uploaded the security > protocols yesterday. If he proves to be a detriment, he won't be able to get > into the programming." Tango: [Gendo] I changed my password to "Yui." No-one will get it. > Elsewhere, Rei lay in bed, - still in her Plug suit - unable to > sleep Rebecca: Mostly because she was still in her plugsuit. That can't be comfortable. > after her and Shinji having decided to stay the night at NERV after a late > night harmonics test. Rebecca: So that's what they're calling it now. Good thing Asuka doesn't know. > She and Shinji had agreed that Raiu's voice was strangely familiar. Tsuneo: They keep re-using the voice actor in all those ADV dubs. > They just couldn't place where they'd heard it before. Dan: The dragon? You know, the big black dragon? Tango: You don't usually forget things like that. Well, unless you're... Um... What was I saying? > She > remembered Gendo's face when Raiu started ripping the armor off EVA-00. The > thought brought a rare smile to her face. Rebecca: [Rei] His pants were coming down. Tsuneo: [Rei] He's only my creator and the one man who treats me like a human, so I think it's funny when he's embarrassed and humiliated. > She stood up and walked to her door. Dan: Hang on, where is she? Tango: In a bed. Dan: Okay, where's the bed? Tango: In Nerv. Dan: Okay, where in Nerv? Tango: Somewhere. > Rei opened the door and crept > down the hallway, not wanting to be caught. Tsuneo: [Rei] I'm having rebellious and original thoughts, all because the dragon showed up. Dan: [Raiu, distant] I'm not a dragon! > When she saw that nobody was patrolling the halls, Rebecca: She wondered, along with the reviewers, where the security guards had gone. > she relaxed into her normal walk. Tango: As opposed to her abnormal walk? Hey, I've got one of those! > Lost in thought, Rei wandered the halls. Dan: Soon she was lost in the halls too. Tsuneo: [Rei] Where's a save point when you need one? > She stopped when she heard noises coming from the other side of a door. Tsuneo: [Raiu] I'm not a dragon! Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Oh, Gendo! Gendo! Dan: Yeah yeah, we all know you've got a crush on him. [Rebecca clobbers dan, who falls over the back of the couch] Rebecca: It's in character, you twit! Dan: [Woozy] I guess I deserved that. Rebecca: I wouldn't date Gendo if he was the last man on Earth. Tango: He will be. [Dan climbs back onto the couch] > She looked around and realized she was just outside the EVA > Docking Bay. She opened the door and walked into the control room. > "Hello. Didn't expect you of all people to be here." Dan: [Rei] I work here. > Rei looked up and saw Tango: Otto raiding the vending machine *again.* > Raiu working at a console. Rebecca: [Raiu] I'm training on Evangelion 64, so I figure I'll be ready for actual combat in a million years. > "How'd you know it was me? You weren't even looking at me." Dan: [Raiu] I recognise that cheap cologne. > "You just gave yourself away, Rei. I wasn't really sure who it was. Tsuneo: You'd look pretty stupid if it was Gendo. Rebecca: [Raiu] Hey there, honey. Care for some sweet loving? Dan: [Gendo] Maybe not today. Rebecca: [Raiu] AAARRRGGGHHH! > I have yet to learn each of your individual footstep patterns. Tango: Hear that CLUNK shuffle CLUNK shuffle? That's Long John Silver. > It's a little habit I have. Haven't grown out of it." Dan: You haven't grown out of anything. > "What are you doing here?" she asked. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Being a general annoyance and obstruction. Rebecca: [Raiu] Seeking a fair maiden to devour. But I'm not a dragon! > "Running a test." > "On?" Tango: [Raiu] I want to see how far I can push the audience. > "A new weapons array I installed in the EVAs. Dan: [Raiu] It's the EVA 4ever total conversion. Rebecca: [Raiu] it's the progressive cream pie! > The only problem is > that the programming won't accept the combination of robotic and organic parts > well enough to get it to work." Tsuneo: Which means it's pretty damned useless on an Evangelion isn't it? Tango: That's what happens when you use visual basic. > Rei walked up and looked at the schematics Raiu had been working on. Rebecca: [Rei] So is there any need for the giant bronze statue of yourself? Dan: [Raiu] Silence, or I'll rend you to pieces with my huge claws! But I'm not a dragon! > "You said you were an expert," she whispered. Dan: [Raiu] I lied on my resume. Everyone does that. Tango: [Raiu] At least I don't lie twice on the same form. > "That's a bit of an exaggeration." Raiu laughed. "I just said I'm > good at it." Rebecca: It's the difference between the 18- and the 17- roll. Tsuneo: And there's one for the role-players out there. > "And fast." Dan: We need this here by yesterday! Tango: That's not good enough! > "Yeah. Guess I proved that by upgrading three EVAs in less than a > day, eh? Tango: But remember, it will only work with your original EVA. Upgrading your EVA will void your warranty. > You think you can do anything with this stupid program?" Rebecca: Yes, I can make the mouse pointer wiggle around in a cutesy way. > Raiu watched with interest as Rei typed in a series of commands. Tsuneo: Format C: /s Dan: How do you pronounce that? > His jaw dropped and his eyes bugged out as the computer flashed a phrase across > the screen. Rebecca: [Computer] Access to Gendo's private porno stash... granted. > "Configuration acceptable," Dan: Please restart your screen so we can show you the BSOD and force you to re- install your operating system. > the computer's audio systems droned. > "How - wha da - but I - ARGH!!" Tsuneo: I couldn't agree more. Tango: Goddamned Xan! > Rei suddenly burst out laughing. Rebecca: [Rei] I'm sorry, I just remembered this funny episode of Sienfeld. > Raiu glared at her. Dan: [Raiu] Hah! Feel my aura of fear! But it's not dragon fear. No, not at all! > "What's so funny?!" Raiu snapped defensively. Tango: [Raiu] This is my scene, dammit! > "The look on your face!" Rei gasped between laughs. "It was > priceless!" Tsuneo: [Rei] I'm grossly out of character, and it's funny! > "Hey!" Raiu exclaimed in realization. > " . . .?" Tango: You take that back, young lady! > "That's the first time you've shown happiness - hell, any emotion - > since I got here." Dan: [Rei] I'm sorry, it won't happen again. > Raiu replied. "And you laughed." > "Oh." Rei replied as she finally stopped laughing. Rebecca: Now be quiet and get back in character, young lady. > On the other hand, she was still smiling slightly. She quickly > hardened her expression and looked away slightly. Tsuneo: [Rei] I cannot believe I'm doing this. This is the third avatar I've pandered to this week. Dan: I bet Asuka's glad she's a burbling incoherent wreck at the moment. > "What's wrong?" Tango: [Rei] Can you smell gas? Rebecca: [Raiu] Oh, that was just my secondary breath weapon. But I'm not a dragon! > "Nothing." > Raiu cocked an eyebrow but let it slide. Dan: [Johnny Bravo] Heya baby, wanna check out my input plug? > "Anyway, what did you type in?" > "An override command. Commander Ikari set up the computer to lock > out any changes that tried to be made to the EVAs and the programs associated > with them." > "Why'd he do that?" Tsuneo: Security? To stop trumped-up brats from mucking around with it? Tango: He used the Microsoft client log-in. No-one can log into that. Not even the sysop. > "I really don't know. I mean, he's the Commander of NERV, so > nothing major happens without his consent." Rebecca: Oh, so he approved of Seele's invasion. > "Hmm, weird. He's probably just a control freak." Dan: It's just his job and all. Tsuneo: Raiu's got a real problem with authority. Tango: Mostly because he's not it. Rebecca: Ah, just give him a pile of gold to lie on, and he'll be happy. > Rei's hand snapped up from her side to slap Raiu when something > stopped her hand. She looked down to see Raiu gripping her wrist. What > surprised her most was that her hand hadn't even gotten three inches away from > her side before he'd caught it. Tsuneo: Then she slapped him with the *other* hand. Rebecca: [Raiu] Should have seen that coming. Hadn't counted on her having two hands. > "How -" Dan: [Raiu] With my hand. > "Why?" Raiu cut her off, ignoring the surprised look on her face. Tsuneo: [Rei] Because you're an idiot. > " . . .?" Tango: [Rei] Six? Nine? Aspirin? Mice? K*SO? > "Why did you try to slap me?" he asked in a soft voice. Rebecca: Do you want the short list? We could be here for days otherwise. > "You insulted Ikari." > "You care for him." Dan: Is that so hard to believe? > It was more of a statement than a question. Tsuneo: Hence the punctuation. > "Yes. He is like a father to me. He also created me." > Raiu quirked an eyebrow at this. > "What are you talking about?" > Rei briefly related her past. Raiu shook his head. Dan: So she just spills her whole past and origin to a virtual stranger? Why? > "I owe him at least my loyalty since he created me." Rebecca: Rei, embrace atheism. > Raiu sighed as he stood up, let go of Rei's hand, took his trench > coat off, and entered a series of commands. Tango: C:\DOS> C:\DOS>Run. Run dos run. > Before Rei could say anything, Raiu > had gotten into the elevator and the doors were closing. Dan: What elevators? What doors? Where did it come from? Rebecca: Oh, Gendo had an elevator installed the other day. Just because. > Rei ran in and stood next to Raiu. > "Just what are you doing?" Tsuneo: [Raiu] Brooding. Does it bug you? > "You'll see." > The elevator doors opened, revealing Dan: A half-completed set with workers wandering around. > the Docking Bay. Without > saying a word, Raiu walked over to an Entry Plug and opened it up. Rebecca: Three million alarm bells went off throughout Nerv, security guards poured out of the woodwork- Tango: And proceeded to raid the vending machine. Dan: You're really bitter about Barney and Otto, aren't you? Tango: The guy keeps on shooting me in the back! > "Get in." > "Alright," Rei replied, suddenly nervous as she sat down in the Plug > and closed it. Rebecca: Wow. It's a good thing that Rei just *happened* to be at NERV and just *happened* to be in her plugsuit. > Raiu pushed a button and the Plug slid into EVA-00. He walked over > to another Entry Plug as EVA-00 came to life. He pressed a button on a small > pad and got into the Plug. The Plug automatically slid into EVA-01. Rebecca: EVA01.EXE cannot locate file SHINJIIKARI.DLL. The operhation has been halted. RAIU.VXD has been deleted. Tsuneo: I seem to recall something about EVA-01 not working for anyone apart from Shinji, but never mind... > The EVA came to life and turned toward EVA-00. Dan: Er, Raiu? The door's the *other* way. Tsuneo: Of course, since he's sixteen, he shouldn't be able to pilot an EVA, but never mind. > "Ready?" > "Raiu?!" Rei exclaimed in shock. "You're piloting EVA-01?" Dan: All you have to do is press L & R on the player 2 controller and press Start on the Player 1 controller. Tango [Raiu]: Ha! I can do anything! I'm the god boy! I can re-build EVAs! I can outsmart Gendo! I can polymorph into human form and cast fourth level wizard spells! But I'm not a dragon! > "Yeah. I installed a temporary programming block." Raiu lied. "The > EVA thinks I'm Shinji. So, you ready to test these babies out?" Tsuneo: Of course, if Rei knows anything about the EVAs, she should know that it wouldn't work and that he's lying. Tango: I wouldn't want to pretend that I'm Shinji. > "Alright." > The lift carried the two EVAs up to the surface. Once there, Raiu > activated the jets on EVA-01's back. Rebecca: Since when has EVA-01 had those? Tsuneo: Don't you know? Raiu installed them along with the waffle iron and the airbags. > He turned back to EVA-00 and waited for a few moments. > "You have jets too, y'know." > "Oh." Rebecca [Rei]: Well thanks for telling me, Mr. Omnipotent. Dan [Raiu]: I'm not omnipotent! I'm only a 12 hit dice monster! > Rei activated her jets and hovered next to Raiu Tsuneo: So what, she's only just been told that she has them, but she knows how to fully control them right away? Rebecca: Looks that way to me. > "Catch me if you can!" Raiu taunted before zooming away. Dan: [Rei] Just for that, I won't tell you about the- Tango: WHAM! Dan: [Rei] Mountain. > Rei shot after him, easily catching up to him. > "Is that the best you can do?!" Rei asked over the comm., a rare > rush of excitement filling her. Tsuneo: [Rei] I'm a happy giggling moron. Rebecca: Next thing you know, she'll be smoking, hanging around in malls, dying her hair pink and moaning about her boyfriend. Tsuneo: Don't go there. Again. > Raiu let out a cackling laugh Dan: [Raiu] I'm evil! With a capital "E!" > and set his jets to full power, Rebecca: Unfortunately, at full power he's only got a minute's worth of fuel. Let's see what happens. > leaving Rei behind in less than a second. She gave chase and froze in shock > when she saw Raiu fighting an Angel. Tsuneo: Whoops, where'd that come from? I thought we'd run out of them. > NERV HQ > The screeching of alarms woke half the base in less than a minute. Dan: Including the night staff? > Shinji ran to the EVA control room. Rebecca: [Shinji] I've got no idea what I'm doing here. Tango: Shinji? Maybe not in your pajamas. Dan: I haven't seen a set of Ninja Turtle PJs in years. > He was about to head for the Docking Bay when Misato stopped him. > "Shinji! What are you doing here?" > "I heard the alarm and came running." Dan: [Shinji, tired] It's a long way... from your apartment. Tango: [Shinji] I thought my popcorn was done. > "Well, if you're here, then, who's piloting your EVA?" All: DJ Croft! > "What?" > Shinji ran over to the window and saw both his and Rei's EVAs were > missing. Rebecca: Lost. Big purple EVA. Answers to the name of "Yui." Last seen in Nerv HQ. Reward. Call 1-800-3RDIMPACT. Tango: I'm waiting to see its face turn up on milk cartons. > Before anybody could say anything, EVA-01 landed heavily on top of the > lift, leaving dents where its feet hit. Dan: SPOOOOOON! Tsuneo: [EVA-01] Honey, I'm home! > A large scorch mark adorned its chest. Rebecca: Damn EVA's gone out and got itself tattooed! > It then walked over to its dock as EVA-00 landed, albeit gentler than the first > EVA, Tango: Rei is graceful. Raiu is just stupid. Dan: [Raiu] Well excuse me, I'm not used to flying without wings. But I'm not a dragon! > and entered its own dock. A similar mark was imprinted in EVA-00's armor Tsuneo: Oh look, they've got matching his and hers combat damage. > The Entry Plugs ejected and opened. Rei was the first to step out, followed > shortly by the other pilot, whose face was covered in sopping wet hair. > "Hell yeah!!" the pilot yelled, Dan: My god, it is Tom Dyron! Rebecca: No, it's Steve Austin, the 316th child. > easily letting everyone know who it was. "Now that was fun!!" Tango: [Raiu] We bounced a jobber angel and got cool scars! Rebecca: Poor Bloanawltuhel. These cameos are really getting to him. > "Raiu!!" Gendo roared as he and Shinji exited the elevator. "You are > in deep shit!" Dan: I just can't imagine Gendo saying that. > Raiu pulled his hair back and walked up to Gendo. > "What? Not gonna thank me for destroying an Angel with the new > weaponry I designed?" Tsuneo: [Gendo] Let' see... Intruding on sensitive areas without authourisation. Tampering with the computer system. Tampering with the EVAs. Taking out an EVA without authourisation. Taking out an EVA without even pilot staus. Did I forget anything? > "You piloted an EVA that doesn't belong to you. And you used new > technology that I hadn't approved of yet. You had no right to do so." Rebecca: [Raiu] But I signed the log book and topped up the tank. > "No right to test out the new weaponry before letting Shinji use it > and risk having it blow up due to a malfunction? You're full of it." Dan: No, no right to test the new weaponry in combat conditions and risk damaging EVA-01 in the process due to your incompetence. > "Wait a second." Shinji interrupted before his father could say > anything. "You said you destroyed an Angel. I thought they were all gone." > "Guess not. Bastard got the drop on me. Pretty powerful too. Rebecca: Which explains why it was destroyed off screen by a single unit with no backup. Tango: He's making this up, there was no Angel. Tsuneo: Yeah, where was the alert? Why didn't Nerv detect it? Dan: Well SHODAN had the night off. > Almost blew a hole through EVA-01's shielding." Dan: So how long has Unit 01 had shielding? Tsuneo: [Raiu] That explains why it didn't work. > "Rei!" Gendo called out. "What do you recall about this 'Angel' Raiu > supposedly killed?" Rebecca: [Rei] It had a red shirt. > "All I remember is that I caught up to him after chasing him for > several minutes," the girl called back, delayed by technicians, "only to see him > fighting an Angel. Then nothing until we were back at the launch tube." Dan: So you had a memory blackout? Tango: [Rei] And then there was darkness... And these grey guys > Just then, Maya came running up to Gendo. > "Uh, sir. You might want to take a look at this read out." Tsuneo: [Gendo] Quick, dump all my dot com shares and buy up soy bean farms. > Gendo reluctantly read the report and snapped his head up toward > Raiu. Rebecca: [Gendo] This isn't good enough, young man! You're grounded! Dan: [Raiu] I don't believe it, I failed lunch. Rebecca: [Gendo] Well, maybe if you didn't try eating all those maidens... Dan: [Raiu] Don't blame me, I'm not a dragon. > He turned back to Maya and whispered into her ear. Tango: [Gendo] Is the tranquiliser gun ready? Have you contacted the taxidermist? > She nodded her head > and went back up to the control room as Gendo turned back to Raiu. Dan: [Maya] well that's my one scene for this fic. > "How do you explain this? Tsuneo: That's what I've been waiting for. > Forget that, how were you even able to pilot EVA-01 in the first place?" Dan: [Raiu] It's called a plot contrivance. Rebecca: [Gendo] Well, we get a lot of those around here, too. > Raiu grabbed the report from Gendo's hands and looked it over. Tango: [Raiu] No, it wasn't me. It was someone else who had the huge leathery wings. > "Explain what?" > "The Sincro rate. Tango: Isn't that the stock exchange in West Congo? > The closest percent to that has only been achieved twice. Dan: [Gendo] Both of them were freak accidents involving expired mayonnaise, but we've worked out those bugs. > Both times, the pilot was absorbed into EVA-01. Rebecca: That thing's got an insatiable appitite. > Somehow, though, Shinji managed to rematerialize." Dan: They ran his pattern signature back through the transporter buffer and rematerialised him on the pad. Tango: Actually, it was just a lot of Christmas lights. Tsuneo: [Gendo] We've corrected the error, so you won't. > Rei walked up behind Raiu and read the report over his shoulder. > When she saw the Sincro rate, she stared at it in shock. Dan: [Rei] My god, it's so small. Rebecca: [Raiu] Hey, I was swimming! There was shrinkage! > Raiu stepped away from > Rei and snapped his fingers a couple of times, snapping her out of her shock. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Sorry, I haven't behaved like enough of a jerk this scene. > He then turned back to Gendo and looked at the report again. Tango: [Raiu] Well what do you want me to do about it? Dan: [Raiu] Hey, if I get two more frags, I'll be in the top hundred! > "1000%?" Raiu asked, puzzled. "I thought I was better at EVA > synchronizing than that. Rebecca: Aw, gee. You're only better than Tom Dyron. Tsuneo: So when's he had an EVA to practice on? > All right, I can tell you what I know. But, only if > it stays between the four of us for now. Alright?" Dan: Raiu, Gendo, Rei and that geeky TV reporter over there. > Gendo thought it over for a few moments before replying. > "Alright. Let's go to the debriefing room." Tango: [Gendo] Heh, heh... The one with the heavy bars. > When they got there, Raiu turned to the group. > "Whenever I pilot an EVA, my body shuts down Dan: The same thing used to happen to me in class. Rebecca: You never went to school. Dan: Yeah, but it would have. > and I basically become the EVA. Tsuneo: [Raiu] And my brain soon dies of oxygen starvation. > Even EVAs designed to function for only a certain pilot." Rebecca: Which is none of them. EVA-01 only works for Shinji because it's a sulk. > "How is that possible?" Shinji asked. "Only Kaoru was able to -" > Shinji's face shifted from confused to shocked as he came to a > realization. Tango: [Shinji] You're... A Dragon! Dan: [Raiu] For the last time, I am not a dragon! 'Scuse the tail. > "Rest assured. I'm no more Angel than any of you three are. Dan: [Raiu] No offence, Rei. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Guardian Force is another matter. > Aside from that, I'd rather not explain," Raiu replied. > "We're not leaving until you do," Gendo stated firmly. > "Fine." > Raiu lowered his head and removed his shades. Rebecca: So what, he was wearing shades the whole time why piloting his EVA? > When he looked up at > the other four again, it was through silver cat eyes. Tsuneo: At least they're not red. Dan: Hey, it's Ryoko's long lost idiot brother. Rebecca: [Washu] Actually, he was just the beta test. > Seeing the surprise on their faces, he explained. > "I wasn't born. Rebecca: Oh, so you hatched then? Dan: [Raiu] look, for the last time, I am not a dragon! Do you see board shorts? Tango: [Gendo] You could be wearing them under your trousers. Dan: [Raiu] No! I am not a dragon! > I was bred in a test tube along with one other. Rebecca: [Rei] So we have met before. Tango: Must've been awfully cramped in there. > We > were designed to be the perfect pilots for EVA Units. But, the head of the > project was extremely corrupt. He wanted to brainwash us, make us mindless > drones, following commands without question. I overheard him one day, talking > to someone about selling us to the highest bidder as the perfect war machine, > provided the buyer had EVA Units. Tsuneo: Hoookay. So he was *built* by someone else - clearly an independent third party - to be a perfect pilot for an EVA? This is an independent third party who wouldn't actually *have* EVAs or know anything *about* EVAs. And he's made for sale to anyone *else* who has EVAs? What, does this authour think that EVAs are some kind of car? That you can just buy the suckers off the rack? Dan: Oh, yeah. You can get a reverse-engineered Chinese EVA pretty cheaply. > Upon hearing that, I decided to escape. Rebecca: Clearly the conditioning was a total failure. > I > told my brother, and he agreed to leave with me. As we were escaping, though, > he was captured. He managed to break free, but they didn't want to risk > anything." Tsuneo: [Raiu] Which is why they gave us independence and free will. > Raiu looked around with pain filled eyes. > "They killed him. Four bullets. One to the heart, one to each > lung, and a final one to the head. Tango: And someone shot him, *that* accurately while escaping? Dan: You reckon he's dead yet? Rebecca: Well, that's four shots out of five hundred. > With his dying breath, my brother said one last word to me. He said, 'live.' Tango: So I shot him. Tsuneo: You mean that wasn't instant death? Dan: And he was the wimp of the two. > I ran until I could run no more. Rebecca: Run Raiu, run! Dan: [Raiu] Then I took the bus. > I learned > what I could about the world outside the complex while evading the teams they > sent out after me. Dan: Don't you know, the world outside Alpha Complex is full of commie mutant traitor pigs! No-one should go outside unless The Computer says so. > I soon heard about NERV Tango: [Raiu] Thanks to my pals, the Thrashing Gonberts. Dan: Well that's an interesting variation on a stock gag. > and came to Japan, hoping to find > sanctuary from my hunters. All I ask in return for enhancing your EVAs is a > place to stay, a steady paycheck, even if it's only minimum wage, Rebecca: [Gendo] Okay, but you have to work in the Nerv branch in Mexico. > and protection from them if they ever find me." [The TV switches off] Tango: Hang on, did the chapter just end or something? Dan: Well... I guess. Tsuneo: Voice, what happened? Voice: Don't ask me, it was the fic's fault. Rebecca: So what, it just cut off? Voice: Oh no, there are plenty more chapters where that came from. Dan: I was afraid of that. Voice: In the meantime... Tsuneo: Just when you think you've seen it all, along comes Raiu. He's got to modify the EVAs all by himself, have an one thousand percent sync ratio *and* be a Dragon. Why? Because no-one else has done it. He's just a pointless overachiever, with pretty much no personality of his own. Dan: I hated how he treated the characters. I mean, it's the end of the show and Shinji's a nervous wreck and all, but suddenly he's trawling around saying "zoiks" and stuff. Then there's Rei, who's all happy and laughing and all that. And of course Gendo, reduced to the ineffective dope that we just saw. It's just ridiculous, almost like he's never even seen the characters before. Rebecca: Raiu's something I've been waiting to see in an EVA avatar for ages. We've got our three basic types of EVA avatars. Type one is the omnipotent overachieving uberkid, like Tom Dyron and DJ Croft. They're too good for words, have amazing abilities and are better than anyone else. Type two is the angel-like god-boys with super-powers and AT fields and the like. Sublime and Lisa Foster fall into this category. The third is a blend between the two, as per demonstrated by our friend Raiu here. This guy combines both superpowers and super "kewlness". In other words, Raiu is a Jim Beckett. That terrifies me. Tango: I thought I had just suffered a memory loss, all I could remember was that Raiu showed up and did stuff. I doubled checked and...well...that's all he did really. There wasn't much plot development, and not even an angel deserving of a name. I need do get some fresh air. Come here Chelsie! [The door bursts open revealing the war cow, a smoking rocket launcher mounted on its back] Chelsie: Moo, red leader. All: Huh? Tango: Off we go! [He stands to leave] Dan: Say Tango? Tango: Yeah? Dan: Where did you get that cow from anyway? Tango: I got it at a market. I traded two bottles of hair tonic for her. [Tango hops on the cow and it waddles out. The others follow, curious. The screen goes blank] Voice: Right. First rule, no pets. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) and Twin Cannon (ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2000 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. The Evacorp Network: evacorp.cyril.com One of the largest Eva sites in the world, contains a thousand and one reasons why stories like this are utterly impossible evafiction.animecenter.com More EVA fanfics than you can poke a stick at. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > I can repair and maintain any EVA, depending on which one it is."