Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 104 - "Nuyo cra, yun chara. Yo nek tiem hou fek, tou chi lonu taiwe tou gren sot yun." Whatever. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion: The Dark Side is copyright raiu@northcoast.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ With a loud clang and the shriek of grinding metal, Tsuneo barely brought his sword up in time to block the gargoyle's claws. For a brief second, he was locked with his inhuman enemy, it's stone claws clamped onto the blade of his sword, immune to the pain of its blade grinding against its palms. Tsuneo heard a call behind him, and immediately ducked. At that precise moment, Dan sailed through the air, one extended foot crashing into the gargoyle's hideous face, smashing the stone beast's head into rubble. The Gargoyle teetered for a second, then pitched over backwards. "You okay?" Dan said, helping his friend up. "Yeah," Tsuneo said, surveying the wreckage, "but I thought these things were meant to be tough or something." A grinding noise behind the pair warned them of the imminent attack. They leapt to either side as another gargoyle lunged at them from behind. Tsuneo rolled out of the way and grabbed his sword. "I thought we killed this one!" Dan yelled as he evaded the monster's claw swipes. Tsuneo watched in horror as the other gargoyle's head reassembled itself. Revitalised, the creature turned to face him. "They're reanimating!" Tsuneo yelled a warning to his partner. Dan's powerful kick shattered his opponent's leg, but as he watched, the stone beast magically reassembled. "Well how the hell are we meant to beat them?" Dan yelled. The two were retreating form their foes, and had wound up back to back. "Try taking them both down at once," Tsuneo calmly replied, as he parried the monster's swings. Dan ducked a lunge from his foe, and rolled to the side. "How? We can only take them down two on one?" Their problem was immediately solved. A massive sword swung out of the bushes around the stone temple, slicing one gargoyle clean in half. The other stood stunned for a second, claws raised to attack Tsuneo from behind. Tsuneo thrust his sword backwards, catching the gargoyle in the abdomen. Dan took his cue and leapt into the air, launching a massive spin kick that shattered the gargoyle's head. The enchantment broken, the two beasts crumbled into dust, which quickly blew away. Their benefactor stepped out of the bushes. She was a tall woman with shoulder-length auburn hair and a scar over her right eye. The rest was obscured by an ornate set of black steel armour, decorated with innumerable flanges and engravings. The sword was equally as impressive; almost as tall as the warrior herself with a long hilt and broad blade. It was notched towards the hilt, and the flat of the blade was covered with similar engravings. "Oh, hi Rebecca," Dan casually said. Rebecca shook her head and surveyed the scene. The man who had addressed her was a sight to behold; young, muscular and wearing sturdy traveler's clothes, with short-cropped black hair and an eager expression. The other was a lightly armoured young man in a dark blue outfit, with a pair of short swords strapped across his back. His face was mostly hidden by a mask, but she could make out long dark hair. She couldn't help but smile, and remarked "Nice costumes." "Yeah, yeah," said Tsuneo. "What took you so long?" "Sorry, had a hold-up. Some would-be adventurer tried to mug me for this," she said, hefting the sword in one hand. "And?" Dan inquired. Rebecca shrugged, and simply replied "He got it." "Now now, you know there are rules about that kind of thing," Dan chided. "Well he started it," she whined. Tsuneo shook his head and drew their attention to the structure before them. It was a massive stone temple, with a huge slab of a door barring their path. A pair of pillars by the door were all that remained of its guardian gargoyles. Tsuneo stepped forward to examine the door. "Now, from what I've gathered, so far no-one's gotten this far; either they haven't found the place, or got scared off by the gargoyles." "Can't see why," Rebecca said. "You know, not everyone's got the money to sink into a big-assed sword like that," Dan said. "What can I say? People just wanted to give it to me." She shrugged. "Is that before or after you deprived them of their limbs?" Dan needled. "Do you guys mind?" Tsuneo butted in. "Now I sunk most of my cash into an alchemist's bomb, which should blow the door for us." As Tsuneo set the bomb, the other two stood back to watch. "Should blow the door," Dan muttered. "If you set it right, if the alchemist's reliable, if he knew what he was doing, if he liked you..." "Shut up Dan," Rebecca said. "Can't trust alchemists, everyone knows that..." Dan continued to grumble. He was fortunately cut off by the muffled thud of the bomb's detonation. The stone slab cracked then crumbled to the ground, clearing the entrance to a long, dark passageway. As the three peered in, they were assailed by the smell of stale air, trapped in unknown conditions for ages beyond reckoning. Then... they heard a noise. A strange figure approached. It was stark naked, save for a loincloth, a pair of boots and a top hat. "First ones to get this far, right?" Dan muttered, thoroughly disappointed. "Who the hell is that?" Rebecca said. The figure approached, and spoke. "J0 d3\/\/dz, U 707ally ha><0red 7hose garg0yl3z d0 U wan7 2 buy 99 h3al po7unz?" "Tango," they all muttered at once. [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] [Tsuneo, Rebecca and Dan are all sitting in the room, playing on linked laptops. Tsuneo looks up from his computer] Tsuneo: No. No way. I can't play like this. [Rebecca and Dan both look up] Rebecca: What? What is it now? Dan: He's probably angry with you again. Rebecca: Let me guess. "Rebecca, can you please not begin and end every conversation we get into with a sword blow?" for crying out loud, you know the only kind of people that play this game are idiots who want to roll us for our gear. Tsuneo: No, for once it's not you. Rebecca: Then what? Tsuneo: It's Tango. I can't play if he's gonna behave like that. Rebecca: What, you upset because he's not getting into character? Tsuneo: No, because he's prancing around half-naked, spurting gibberish, ruining our adventures and acting like a twerp. Dan: In other words, just being Tango. Rebecca: He's fun! Are you saying you didn't have fun when he crashed the king's ball by swinging in on the chandelier dousing the room with beer? Tsuneo: Well, no. Dan: That might be because you'd already set fire to the curtains, Rebecca. Rebecca: A minor detail! Tsuneo: look the way he goes, he just keeps scaring off all the other players. Heck, if he sticks around, we might as well not bother going online, and just play between the four of us. Dan: On the other hand, our clan would quickly become the top of the ladder. Rebecca: You're just bitter 'cause he scared off your girlfriend. Tsuneo: Oh, not this again. I told you, we were just adventuring together! Rebecca: Tsuneo, admit it. You know that the only female characters are played by fourteen-year old spotty boys from the deep south. Tsuneo: What, like yourself? Rebecca: Why you little... [Rebecca rises, and steps towards Tsuneo. They are interrupted when Tango crashes head-first through the ceiling, driving himself into the floor. He is burnt and smoking, and carries a melted lump that might have once been a laptop clutched in his hands. They stand still for long seconds, the only sounds being Tango lightly sizzling.] Tango: Ground kontrol to warkaster! Gate protokol successful! Dan: Help me with him. [The three of them pull his head out of the floor and stand him up] Rebecca: Hi there, Tango. Tango: Greetings, lifeforms! Dan: He's fine. Voice: Morning all. Rebecca: Good to see you Troika. Come to claim more souls for your master? Voice: ... Tsuneo: That may be a little too intellectual for him. Rebecca: Point. Voice: Hey! Tango: I say! This is a rum spot, what? Jerry's come to bother us with a bit of blighty, I say what. Voice: Well, um, yes. Today your bit of blighty... er... exper... er... fanfic is the stirring third chapter to Evangelion: The Dark Side. Tsuneo: I feel great pain. Dan: Be you wish that right now you were back with your so-called girlfriend and Tango talking like a l337 d1(|<#3ad. [They sit; Dan and Tango on the forwards facing couch, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the other one. Dan and Tsuneo are the closest on the corners.] Rebecca: For anyone who's forgotten what's happened so far, don't worry about it. [The TV switches on] > Disclaimer: Dan: [Authour] Gendo is a dickhead. Just thought I'd get that out of the way. > The story, its original contents and ideas, and any original characters belong > to the author and cannot be used or reprinted without the author's permission. Rebecca: Not that you'd want to. > All other characters belong to their respective owners. Tsuneo: [Authour] I wish I could have Rei all to my own, but I guess I'll have to share her with all the other fans out there. > Genesis 1.03 > The Battle and Revelation Rebecca: No, no, Revelations comes way after Genesis. Tango: Revelations always read like St. Paul was on some bad mushrooms at the time. > Hospital > Shinji woke with a start Rebecca [Shinji]: I hate this place. > to the feeling of being watched. Dan: That's just the security cameras. You should be used to them by now. Rebecca: Smile, you're on Invasion of Privacy... Although we can't show it on TV. > He looked around through blurry eyes to see a shape sitting in Asuka's bed. Tango: So they took Asuka out and didn't wake him? So what's that in Asuka's bed? > "Asuka?" he tentatively asked. > "About time you woke up, lazy." Rebecca: [Asuka] Do you have any idea where you're lying? Dan: [Shinji] Umm... Feels kind of soft... Rebecca: WA-TAK! > "Asuka!" Shinji exclaimed as his eyes cleared. > He leapt up and hugged her fiercely. > "I'm so glad you're awake finally! Rebecca: [Asuka] That's great. Did you remember to do the washing? Tsuneo: [Shinji] Er, no... Rebecca: [Asuka] Did you take Pen-Pen for his walks? Tsuneo: [Shinji] Well no... Rebecca: [Asuka] Did you hold off the enigmatic alien Invadors... Tsuneo: [Shinji] Um... Never mind. Go back to sleep. > I didn't think -" Tango: No, you very rarely do. > Asuka cut him off by roughly pushing him away. Rebecca: [Asuka] Eeew, I got boy germs! > "What's the big idea kissing me while I'm asleep?!" Dan: [Shinji] It's the only way I could ever get lucky. > "Huh? How'd you know? I thought you were in a coma until -" Tango: [Shinji] It wasn't a coma... I am so dead. > "Until what?" Asuka sneered. "A few minutes ago? No, baka. I've > been awake for the last day. I just haven't been able to move any of my muscles > until late last night." Tsuneo: Well that doesn't make any sense at all. Tango: Fortunately, Billy Blanks came round and taught her Tai-Bo. > "Oh, um, well, uh . . ." Rebecca: [Asuka] So what did I miss? Dan: [Shinji] Well, this big dragon showed up who also isn't our new pilot and god boy, then he started telling everyone what to do and pushed around Gendo, then... Rebecca: [Asuka] Forget it, I'm going back to sleep. > As Shinji's face turned beet red, Asuka smirked inwardly. With a > businesslike look on her face, Asuka grabbed Shinji's face with both hands. Tango: [Asuka] And if I squeeze harder, your eyeballs will pop out. > "The next time you want to kiss someone when their asleep, do it > like this." > "HUH?!" Dan: [Shinji] But that's a slap. Rebecca: [Asuka, sweetly] I know. > As Asuka brought Shinji's face closer to hers, he almost panicked, > but then relaxed as she pressed her lips against his. He began to kiss her > back, but then she pulled away. Tango: Eeew, three hundred day-old morning breath! All: EEEWWW!!! > "Um, Asuka-kun, I -" Shinji stammered until Asuka silenced him by > placing a finger against his lips. Dan: [Shinji] But I need to go. > "I know Shinji, I know." Asuka sighed, blushing. "I'm just sorry it > took me this long to realize it. Tsuneo: [Asuka] That's why I spent so long abusing you. > And realize that I feel the same way. Tango: Chronic indigestion? > I stayed up all last night, coming to grips with it. Dan: [Asuka] It's not like I had anything else to do like telling everyone I'm better. > I'm sorry about how I treated you, even though you were always there for me. Tsuneo: [Shinji] You really mean that? Rebecca: [Asuka] No. > I was just hiding behind a façade. Tango: He said "facade." I oughta hit him for that. > I was afraid to open up to anybody. I didn't want to be hurt again > like with my mother, but you're different. Dan: I'd be worried if there was anyone like Shinji. Rebecca: There is. Akito Tenkawa. And Mackie from Tokyo 2040. And Makoto Mizuhara. And... > Jeez, listen to this. How the > mighty have fallen. Me, Asuka Langley Soryu, Rebecca: [Asuka] Legendary pilot, queen of the universe, heir to the throne of Essex, conqueror of Romulans, destroyer of Angels and owner of the only working NES console this side of 2015. > opening up to baka Shinji. Mein Gott in Himmel. Rebecca: We have bad Germanglish! Huzzah! > So what? I love you, Shinji." Dan: [Shinji] I'm going to faint now. Tsuneo: Of course, because they're hitched up, Rei's got no guilt over hanging around Raiu. > Shinji looked surprised for a moment then smiled and moved in toward > Asuka again as she leaned forward. They met halfway, sharing a long, gentle > kiss. Tango: Oh look, Asuka breaks her coma and is all waffy. Who would've guessed? > EVA control room Dan: Meanwhile, in the batcave. Tsuneo: Last night, someone reported Asuka as having recovered, but no-one cared. > Shigeru opened the door to find Raiu furiously Rebecca: Whoa, do that in private! > typing at a terminal. Dan: Who let him in here? Tango: *He* did! Dan: Figures. > Shigeru walked up behind the teen and looked over his shoulder, totally > confused by what he was seeing. > "Whatcha doin'?" Rebecca: He's planning to hack into the Pentagon to launch a nuclear assault on a small, neutral African nation. the pentagon won't notice, the CIA will and won't tell anyone about it, the FBI will spend six months investigating the matter and arrest Mr. Ed the talking horse, and the LA sheriff's department will release him. > Raiu jerked slightly Dan: We *don't* need to see this. > and looked up at Shigeru through bloodshot eyes. Tango: [Raiu] Brains... I need brains for my master. > "Taking a trip through hell," Raiu replied in a weary voice and > twitching. Tsuneo: No, that's us. > "What?!" > "A new program I designed for the EVAs. Rebecca: [Raiu] I call it minesweeper. > The general idea is simple, but actually installing it is . . . is . . . ah, hell. Tango: So he works for Microsoft after all. He'll just have to absorb a smaller company and have them write the program. Tsuneo: Even though he's already established that he can control the EVAs and make them do what he wants. > There aren't words strong enough to voice my opinion of its stubbornness." Tsuneo: How about "As stubborn as I am?" > "How long have you been workin' at this?" Rebecca: [Raiu] Oh, about five minutes now. > "About the last sixteen hours." Raiu whimpered. "Even I have my > limits. Dan: [Raiu] Actually, I don't. Just kidding. > This thing has forced me to surpass almost every single one of them. I > guess the next thing to go will be my sanity. If I'm lucky." Tango: You wimp! I lost mine ages ago and I'm fine for it! Rebecca: Case proven. > "I think it's time you took a break," Shigeru suggested. Tsuneo: [Aoba] Like I care about you. > "No. All I need . . . is a pot of . . . black coffee. Then, I'll > be fine." Dan: [Raiu] That's why I'm... talking in... a slow... gappy... [Snores] Rebecca: He's just going for the republican primary nomination. > Just then, Hyuga walked through the door and saw Raiu's face. Tango: [Hyuga] GAH! Don't ever do that again! Rebecca [Raiu]: Sorry 'bout the face! > "Holy shit!" Hyuga exclaimed in surprise. "What the hell is wrong > with you?!" Dan: Apart from the obvious? Rebecca: Could it be that he's a dragon? > "I haven't slept in the last thirty hours." Raiu answered in a calm > voice. "For the past sixteen, I've been living in my own personal hell. Tango: Cleveland? Tsuneo: So what kept him up for the previous fourteen? Rebecca: His right hand. > My blood pressure has about tripled do to the stress caused by this damn program. Tango: Windows 2000? > My patience has worn a hole in itself about five times already. My nerves feel > as if they've been driven over by the National Truckers League of America." Tango: That's an amusing analogy, Raiu. Dan: So why are you busting a gut over it rather than getting some sleep? Tango: He must dream of the mini-Mengs as well. > "You look it," Hyuga stated. Dan: Hey, since he's pale, has dark hair and always wears sunglasses, how could you tell? Rebecca: Oh, the colour's draining into his face. > "Just give me a few more hours and several pots of the blackest > coffee you can fix." > Raiu suddenly appeared as if he'd struck gold. Rebecca: Actually, he's struck Gendo's private stash, but it's the same thing. > "Never mind!" He stated in a singsong voice. > Raiu began rapidly typing in commands. Data flew across the monitor > faster than either of the Lieutenants could keep up with. Several moments > later, the computer spoke. Rebecca: I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that. > "PROGRAMMING ACCEPTED." Tsuneo: [Raiu] I couldn't actually complete it until I had an audience to acknowledge my magnificence! Thank you! Dan: [Aoba] So what does it do? Tsuneo: [Raiu] Oh, nothing. I just wanted to show how much of an elite hacker dude I am. > With that, Raiu promptly slumped down in the chair and fell asleep. Rebecca: Snooze. Tango: He missed the next message, which read "General protection fault. All files deleted. All money transferred to an anonymous account. Bite me." > Hyuga and Shigeru looked at each other with worried looks on their faces. Tsuneo: [Aoba] Have you ever seen this guy before in your life? > "That was strange," Shigeru stated. > "Tell me about it," Hyuga agreed. Dan: That was pointless. Tango: Tell me about it. > Misato's apartment Rebecca: The battlefield of the ongoing roach and rat war. > Shinji and Asuka walked in the apartment, following Misato. Rebecca [Misato]: Welcome home, Asuka! Your room is just as you left it! Dan [Asuka]: But I left a half-eaten sandwich there six months ago... Rebecca [Misato]: I was wondering what the extra strange smell was. Dan [Asuka]: I'm going back to the hospital. > As > Asuka entered her room to change clothes, Misato and Shinji sat down on the > couch and watched TV. Rebecca: So, what's on RAW? Dan: Can we watch what they're watching instead? Voice: No. > "So," Misato began, not even taking her eyes off the TV, Tango: Face it, Shinji. You're just that interesting. > "how long have you two felt that way toward each other?" Rebecca: About two chapters now. > "Huh?!" Shinji exclaimed, not wanting to reveal their secret yet. Dan: Face it, everyone knows about your little affair with Asuka that doesn't exist. Rebecca: My Boyfriend's Two Timing On Me With A Clone Of His Mother, up next on Springer! > "What are you talking about?" > Pen Pen walked through into the living room about then and handed > Misato a beer before sitting down beside her and opening his own. Tsuneo: Poor Pen-Pen. DJ got him hooked and now he's an alcoholic. Dan: Since when has Pen-Pen been Misato's butler? Rebecca: Misato has the photos, and he knows it. > "I'm not stupid, Shinji." Misato snapped, Dan: [Misato] Despite how everyone writes me. Tango: [Misato] Just because I failed my IQ test. And lunch. > taking a sip from the can. > "So don't treat me like an idiot. I could see it in both your faces at the > hospital." Rebecca: That and he had lipstick smears all over him. Dan: He couldn't help it, their braces were locked. > "Oh. Well, uh . . ." > "What he's trying to say is that it basically started this morning." > Misato and Shinji looked up to see Asuka standing beside the > recliner. Rebecca: [Asuka] And neither of you shall ever speak of this again, got it? Dan: So it's the same day? They didn't keep her for physio, observation or anything? Tsuneo: Well, this *is* the public health system we're talking about. > "Although," Asuka added, "we've felt this way much longer. Dan: By about five minutes. > We just weren't able to admit it to ourselves and each other." Tsuneo: [Asuka] We had to wait until the fanfic completely misinterpreted our relationship. Tango: Less lovers than master and slave. Rebecca: They're young, neurotic, angst-ridden and in love. They're a sitcom all to themselves. > Asuka walked over and sat close to Shinji, putting her arm around > him. Shinji did the same and looked at Misato. Dan: They make such an adorable picture. The cute way she strangles him. Rebecca: I want to puke. Tango: WAFF AHOY! > "Nothing you do will keep us apart," he stated flatly. > "Um," Misato said, bewildered, "am I missing something here?" Dan: [Misato] I never said anything about that. > "Wouldn't you try to keep us apart since our emotions could get in > the way of our piloting?" Asuka asked. Rebecca: [Misato] Hell no, you're redundant. Take this massive redundancy check. We've got Raiu now. > "Me? Ha! Personally, I'm glad for you two. Commander Ikari on the > other hand, eh -" Tango: Are you kidding? Gendo would be thrilled. [Gendo] My little boy is a man now. Hey son, wanna help me take over the world? > "Don't even say it," Asuka snapped. Dan: It? Rebecca: [Asuka] You said it! You die! > "Okay, okay!" Misato replied. "Calm down. I was just stating the > worst case scenario. It may turn out he'll be happy for you two." > NERV HQ, Gendo's office, two hours later > "Absolutely not!" Gendo nearly roared. Tango: [Gendo] We are not going to show Americanised Sailor Moon within Nerv working hours. > "Wh - what?!" Shinji and Asuka exclaimed in unison as Misato gaped > in shock. Tsuneo: [Misato] So if Ritsuko's pregnant, who *is* the father, then? Dan: Hey, there's something. Where's Ritsuko been all fic? Rebecca: In a shocking act of consistency, she's still locked up down below. > "It will cause liabilities on the battlefield. Tsuneo: [Gendo] You'll work together and protect each other. We can't have that! Tango: [Gendo] You won't meet the blood splattering requirements of the episode. Rebecca: Remember, Gendo's evil. Dan: Why tell him about it anyway? > Liabilities that we > can not afford. What with Ragnarock and his twin running around somewhere out > there." Dan: I thought they had completely different DNA structures. Rebecca: Okay, so they're half-twins. Dan: Half-twins? Rebecca: Yeah, twins born to completely different parents. > "Ragnarock ain't the problem." Raiu stated, walking in the door. Dan: [Raiu] Because he's me. Oh, wait, no he's not. I didn't say that. > "It's that white sucker that was fighting him." Tango: [Mr. T] I pity da foo' that messes wit' Raiu. > Whoever the hell this guy is, Asuka thought, he looks like hell had > its way with him a few times. Rebecca: I can hear a banjo playing. Can you hear a banjo? > "You don't know that." Gendo replied. "For all we know, he could > just be putting on an act to fool us." Tsuneo: Yes, that's why we're letting him mess with the Evangelions. > "Oh, come on! He blew a hole in the white dragon's stomach! Dan: The enemy of your enemy isn't always your friend. > If that ain't actual fighting, I don't know what is! And believe me, I've seen > more fighting than -" Rebecca: Nerv, who's battled Angels, Invadors, Synkyn, terrorists with Jet-Alones and the almighty power of WAFF? > Raiu stopped when he saw Asuka standing next to Shinji. > "You're Asuka Langley Soryu, right?" Tango: Well how many other psychotic fourteen year-old redheads with [Shudder] pigtails are going to be walking around Nerv? > "Yeah . . ." Asuka answered hesitantly. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Wow! They gave me another thing for my harem. > "Took you long enough to wake up. Dan: [Asuka] Gee sorry, I was in a coma and all. > Come with me." > Raiu turned around and began to walk out only to be stopped by > Asuka. Tsuneo: Wow, they've only just met and he's already bossing her around. > "Who the hell are you?! And why should I follow you when I don't > even know you?" Dan: [Raiu] Because I'm *so* kewl. And I've got fire breath, and you don't. So there. > Raiu turned around and rubbed his forehead wearily. > "My name is Rebecca: [Asuka] It doesn't matter what your name is! > Raiu Kusanagi. I'm a master EVA engineer and backup pilot. Tango: Not to mention ace chef, master EVA pilot, pick one from chart A and pick one from... Hold on, you're not meant to read those bits. > And if you ever want to be able to pilot an EVA again, Rebecca: You will leave $20,000 in unmarked bills in a suitcase in luggage locker 27 at the railway station. > you'll want to meet me at the EVAs in your Plug suit." > As Raiu walked toward the door again, Asuka stopped him again. > "Hey! Are you always this rude?" All: Yes. > "No." Raiu responded. Tango: I'm not rude, 1~|\/| l337 Tsuneo: How the hell do you pronounce that? Tango: Very easily. I took a three hour course on it. I can now insert an X or a Z into any word. > "Normally, I'm quite sociable. Tsuneo: Not that you've ever displayed it. Dan: [Raiu] In a completely dominating and self-centered way. Tango: [Raiu] Last week, I came out of my bubble for a whole fifteen minutes. > But, right > now, I've had little to no sleep in the past few days and I've been having a bad > day on top of a killer headache due to the stress caused by an uncooperative > programming block." Dan: [Raiu] So I'm going to take it out on you. > Raiu then turned to Gendo and smiled very sadistically. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Whaddya know, it's time to beat you down some more. > "Y'know, Gendo, the next time I find a programming block in the > Magi, I will shut off all power to your office at the worst possible moment." Dan: God forbid that Nerv might have security. Rebecca: Yeah, don't you know? Raiu's in charge of the whole place. Tango: If I was in charge of security, I would assign security clearance inversely proportional to age. That way, no-one could do anything without a kid in disturbingly tight shorts handy. > With that, Raiu walked out of the room and down the hall. Dan: He was never seen again. > Gendo merely sat there, his face neutral. Tango: Well shift it into gear, man. You're holding up the traffic. > Asuka looked at Misato and Shinji with a blank face. > "Uh . . ." > "Let's go." Misato said. "I'll explain on the way." Rebecca: [Misato] You know, Gendo is what you call a grumpy old tool. Raiu told me, so it must be true! > Tokyo 3, outskirts Dan: The city of Townsville... > "SINCRO RATE: Tsuneo: Misspelt. Tango: I used to have a Sincro rate, but the doctor gave me some medication for it. > 15%," EVA-02's onboard computer stated over the comm. Rebecca: Either Asuka's really messed up or the computer's busted again. Dan: Maybe it's the network. Tango: Hey! Put down the network! Rebecca: You know that no-one's going to get that. Tango: So? > "Ack!" Raiu exclaimed inside EVA-00. Dan: What's he doing in there? Rebecca: He's wearing Rei's plugsuit. Tsuneo: Ensuring Rei appears as little as possible. > "This is going nowhere fast! Tsuneo: Just like this story, really. > You should be doing better than this." Dan: Well come on, she's not the Authour Avatar, she's not the Master Villain and she's not the Authour's Pet. What can she do? > "Well excuse me for being human!" Asuka snapped Tsuneo [Raiu]: That's not good enough. Now, if only you were an Angel/Human/Dragon hybrid like me... Rebecca [Asuka]: A what? Tsuneo [Raiu]: Nothing. I didn't say a thing. Rebecca [Asuka]: But... Tsuneo [Raiu]: I didn't say anything. And I do not have a tail either. > from her Entry Plug within EVA-02. Dan: Well, you'd hope that her Entry Plug was there. > Several hundred yards away, Shinji sat patiently in EVA-01, waiting > for Asuka to finally synchronize with her EVA. Tsuneo: This may sound stupid, but shouldn't they have done that in the EVA cage? > EVA-00 paced back and forth between the two other giants. Rebecca [Rei]: Right, I want a good clean fight. No biting, no eye-gouging and no absorbing each other's cores. > With sudden inspiration, Raiu switched on his comm. > "Send up the pistol I designed." He requested. Dan: Is that the one with the enormous barrel. Tsuneo [Raiu]: The Overcompensator 9000? That's the one. > Then he spoke to > Shinji over a private comm. channel. "Shinji, whatever happens, don't move > unless I tell you to, alright? Tango: [Shinji] Yes, sir. Whatever you say, sir. I'm still the hero of this crummy show, sir. > You must trust me if you want this to work." Dan: [Raiu] Would I lie to you? Tsuneo: [Shinji] you've got a forked tongue. Dan: [Raiu] D'oh! > Once EVA-00 had the pistol in hand, Tsuneo: Which they sent up without checking what he intends to use it for. Why? Because he's damned god, that's why. > Raiu brought up the gun and > fired at EVA-02, hitting the ground dangerously close to EVA-02's foot. Tango: [Raiu] Dance varmit, dance! > EVA-00 then pressed a button on the side of the gun. Rebecca: [Raiu] I've just set it from liquefy to vaporise. > "Defend yourself!" Raiu called out over the comm. to Asuka. Dan: [Asuka] I would, but you've rendered me so helpless that I can't even talk back to you. > "What?!" The other pilots cried out in unison. > "You heard me!" > "No!" Asuka shouted. "You're crazy!" Tsuneo: Someone finally gets it right! > "Not necessarily," Raiu commented as he aimed the pistol at EVA-01 > and fired. > A surprisingly large blast erupted from the gun barrel and flew > straight at the purple titan. Tango: Hang on, why's he shooting Shinji? Tsuneo: So he can "liberate" Asuka from him. Rebecca: [Raiu] Dammit, I'll dominate all the women of Nerv! > When the blast hit, yellow and blue waves of energy flowed over EVA-01's body. Dan: So he just fired aromatherapy oils at it? > Once the waves disappeared, EVA-01 fell to its knees then flat on its face. Tango: [Shinji] Yeah, I'm doing about as much as usual. Rebecca: [Shinji] Hey, the mud looks really great from here. I think I'll go rub myself in it some more. > EVA-00 turned back to the red titan before it. Rebecca: Sazabi? Tsuneo: Lebo? Dan: Dragon Megatron? Tango: Tickle Me Duriel? > "Now. Allow your emotions to dicta - AAHH!" [Quiet applause] > Before Raiu could finish his sentence, Asuka had tackled him and > knocked him to the ground. Unit-02 began punching the blue giant beneath it. Tango: Kevin Nash knows only three moves, but he's determined to use them all! > Raiu managed to throw Asuka off him and stand up. > "Scan." > "SINCRO RATE: 60% AND RISING." All: [Waving around bits of paper] Buy! Buy! Buy! > "Excellent!" Raiu exclaimed then saw EVA-02 charging him. "Okay, > Asuka. You can stop now!" Rebecca: [Asuka] What? You dare attack the Great Asuka? SUPER ASUKA WA-TAK! > Asuka ignored him and continued the charge. She lunged at EVA-00 > with outstretched hands. Dan: Is it wrong to cheer for the beserker at this point? Rebecca: Yeah! Go Asuka! You clobber him! Dan: Never mind. > Raiu barely managed to dodge in time, allowing Unit-02 > to fall to the ground rather heavily. Tsuneo: Of course, there's no chance that she could actually do anything to him. Heaven forbid. > "Scan!" Rebecca [ST:TNG Computer voice]: Cannot scan due to interference. Dan: That thing never works. > "SINCRO RATE: 115% - 125% - 135% - 145% AND RISING." Tsuneo: There goes Asuka. Rebecca: Look out, she's going Dyron on us! > "Oh, SHIT!!" > Raiu looked at EVA-02 to see it leaping at him again. He quickly > grabbed one of the red titan's arms and spun, throwing EVA-02 several hundred > yards away from himself. Dan: [Raiu] Look at me, I'm so cool, I can lay the smack down on Asuka. Tsuneo: You know, this wouldn't have happened if you tried a test synchronisation first. > "ASUKA!! ENOUGH! SHINJI IS FINE!! I JUST HIT HIM WITH A STUN > BLAST!!!" Rebecca: [Asuka] I know that, but I'm going to kill you anyway. Dan: [Raiu] Damn. > If Asuka heard him, she didn't acknowledge it as she forced her EVA > to stand. EVA-02 roared in response to Asuka's raging emotions before running > at EVA-00 yet again. Dan: Asuka's got a berserk, 8- to recover. You're in for it. > "Scan!" Raiu yelled for the third time. > "SINCRO RATE: 250% - 275% - 350% - 450% AND RISING." All: [Waving around bits of paper] Sell! Sell! Sell! > "Holy Mother of God!" Raiu hissed. "ASUKA, STOP THIS NOW!! I > ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT SHINJI WILL BE FINE!!!" Dan: [Asuka] Why you little! > Without warning, EVA-02 stopped in its tracks and began convulsing > in pain. Rebecca: Has she been reading the script in advance? Tango: [Asuka] Damn mini-Mengs! Won't... stop... headbanging! > The behemoth fell to its knees and continued jerking back and forth. > "Damn!" Raiu swore. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but > life never does work out the way you want it to. It is time." Tsuneo: [Raiu] I'll have to reveal even more of my ridiculous powers. > EVA control room > "What the hell is going on?!" Gendo roared. Dan: Stuff. And it ain't cool. Tango: If you know, please tell us. > "Asuka's Sincro rate has reached 500%!" Maya called out. Tango: [Maya] She's turned into grape-flavoured LCL! Dan: Grape flavoured? Tango: When you hit five hundred percent, you become one of six exciting new flavours! > "Status!" Tsuneo: We're slowly falling asleep here. Tango: And I'm hungry. > "EVA-02 is convulsing in pain!" Hyuga exclaimed. Rebecca: We feel your pain. > "Readouts are too erratic to measure!" > "Pilot!" Dan: Pilot what? Rebecca: Pilot nothing, just pilot. > "Something is blocking the scanners!" Shigeru responded. "I can't > get a reading!" Tango: [Aoba] Sir, the radar. It appears to be jammed! Dan: [Gendo] Rasberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the rasberry. Raiu! > "Eject the Plug!" > "We can't! The signal is being blocked!" Rebecca: Guess the authour doesn't like Asuka either. > "What about Shinji?" Misato asked. Tsuneo: No-one cares about him anymore. > "No readings whatsoever! Dan: Maybe he's been absorbed by the LCL as well. Tango: Maybe he's just gone to lunch. > Even the comm. link is busted. We can't eject his Plug either!" Rebecca: You have to press control-e *three* times to eject! Tsuneo: One super, ultra-obscure shot there. > Just then, the staff heard Raiu's calm voice filter over the comm. > as Kea's look of amusement faded into surprise. Dan: Whaddya know, he's going to save the world again. > Surface > "EVA-02." Raiu stated in a low voice. "Download, access, and > activate program Siron. Tango: Insufficient conventional memory. 602 K memory required. Dan: Do more things with badly spelled names. > Pass code: Anger." Tsuneo: [Raiu] I'm going to screw around with the EVA's vital systems. I'm going to disrupt everything without authorisation or even consulting everyone. I'm going to save the day, and there's nothing you can do about it. > EVA-02 ceased its convulsions and stood. Rebecca: [EVA-02] That does it, I'm walking. > The armor began falling off in chunks, revealing pale red skin beneath. Dan: [EVA-02] AACK! Don't look! > Once the armor had fallen off, > the skin darkened to match the color the armor was. Small disk like structures > appeared on the back of the forearms as flame red hair sprouted from the head in > a style similar to Asuka's. Tango: [Nervous] Complete with pigtails? Tsuneo: I'm afraid so. > The EVA shrank slightly and became more feminine > while the fingers and toes grew talons. Orange carapace like armor appeared on > its body in the form of a one-piece swimsuit with sleeves, shin guards, and > standard EVA shoulder blades. [They all snigger loudly] Dan: So she's magical EVA pretty Asuka? Rebecca: Tasteful, Raiu. Really tasteful. > A line appeared on the EVA's face beneath the > eyes and split into a mouth. The mouth opened and took in a breath as the eyes > merged into two glowing spheres of green light within the eye sockets. The > green light faded to reveal two humanlike eyes with green irises. The EVA > looked around as if for the first time ever. Dan: Hang on, so he prepared a program that would convert EVA-02 into a giant human in the advent that it went berserk with Asuka piloting it, and just happened to have it ready for Asuka's first field test after reawakening? Rebecca: Now consider who it was that shot Shinji and set Asuka off. Dan: So... It's all one big set-up to get rid of Asuka? Rebecca: That's it, really. > "Where am I?" the feminine giant asked. "What happened? Tsuneo: An incredible act of plot contrivance. > The last > thing I remember was trying to kill that bastard Raiu for what he did to > Shinji." Tango: Why not just do it on general principles? > She looked around to see EVA-00 standing off to the side. Dan: [Raiu] remember me? I'm the bastard Raiu you were trying to kill! Tango: [Asuka] Oh, yeah. DIE! Dan: [Raiu, choking] I could have phrased that better. > EVA-02 stepped back in surprise. > "What the hell?! When did we start making human sized EVAs?" Tsuneo: This is while standing in the middle of a city, right? Rebecca: So they're on the set of Godzilla 2015. > "This isn't human size, Asuka." Raiu stated, holding back a laugh. Tango: Why is he laughing? Is it because she's not as l337 as him? > "You are now seeing through Siron's eyes." Dan: And if you knew who Siron was, that'd probably mean something. > "Siron?" > "Allow me to explain. All: NO! > Once you reached a Sincro rate of 500% with > EVA-02, I had to activate a program I designed or else you would have died from > energy overload. Tango: Was that before or after being turned into yellow goo? Rebecca: After the authour forgot about it. > The program reconfigured your EVA into a new being. Stronger, > faster, Dan: We have the technology. We can rebuild him. > and it has natural weapons. Sonic disrupters on your arms capable of > shattering plate glass windows. All: Ooh, scary. Tango: Able to mow down two infantry men per week! > By slamming your fists together, you can create a sonic boom. Tsuneo: You can cause tremendous amounts of property damage and barely effect the target. > Siron can also fire a beam of pure sound and energy from its mouth. Rebecca: This sounds more like an upgrade from Power Rangers. Dan: So does it come with free cardboard buildings? Tango: But Asuka can already do that. > The beam is roughly three times more destructive than a sonic boom. Tsuneo: Of course, that's still pretty pissweak compared to the usual EVA weapons. Rebecca: What kind of a sonic boom? How big is it? What altitude? Air pressure? You can't measure the destructive power of a sonic boom, you twit. > Over all, Siron is roughly four times stronger than an EVA and fives times as > agile." Dan: While still getting the same mileage and having more legroom! Tango: But can it wear exceptional items? > "What about Shinji?!" Asuka growled with sudden remembrance. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Who cares about him? You've got *me.* > "He'll be fine." Raiu replied, backing up cautiously. Rebecca: He's Shinji, he's never fine. > "As I told you before, I just hit him with a stun blast. He should be waking > up soon." Tango: [Raiu] Okay, just back away slowly, make no sudden movements. > As if on cue, EVA-01 twitched, Dan: It's alive! It's alive! > then slowly pushed itself up and > stood. It stumbled before gaining its balance. EVA-01 walked over to stand by > the others until it saw Siron and stopped in its tracks. Dan [Shinji]: Whoa! Check out the hooters on that one! [Rebecca WA-TAKs him into oblivion with a cushion] Ow. > Shinji pulled the prog knife and got into a fighting stance. > "What the hell is an Angel doing here?!" Shinji exclaimed. Rebecca: Trying to merge with Adam and cause third impact? > Raiu burst out laughing so hard he had to hold his sides and gasp > for air. Tsuneo [Raiu]: They're going to kill each other and its so damned funny! > "Damn, man!" Raiu laughed. "Asuka's gonna beat you down for that > one!!" Dan: Does Asuka need a reason for beating Shinji down? Rebecca [Asuka]: What? You dare mistake the Great Asuka for an angel? Super Enhanced Cheesecake Evangelion WA-TAK! Tango: Well that's an interesting variation on a stock gag. > "Huh?" Shinji asked, dumbfounded. > "That's not an Angel! It's Asuka!" Rebecca: It looks like a sixty-meter tall piece of cheesecake promo art and you can't tell that it's Asuka? Shame on you! > Inside EVA-01, Shinji paled and a nervous grin crossed his face Tsuneo [Shinji]: It looks so stupid, but if I say anything I'm going to die! > as > Siron approached him. Siron slapped EVA-01 across the face, essentially doing > the same to Shinji. > "Just don't do it again," Siron growled. > "Okay then." Raiu stated. "Now that that's settled, Tsuneo: Rather than worrying about minor matters such as if Asuka's okay in there and how to get her out. > let's go back to the docking bay." > EVA docking bay > As Raiu and Shinji jumped out of their Entry Plugs, the engineers > were staring at Siron, trying to figure out how to get Asuka out of the > creature. Dan: Just ask Raiu. He knows everything. > Raiu walked up to Siron and tapped the base of the neck twice. Rebecca: What are you doing? Tango: [Raiu] The, uh... Vulcan neck grip? > The > hair at the back of the head fanned out, revealing what appeared to be a strange > plug like apparatus in the middle of the back of the head. Dan: Hey look, it's got an ejectable brain. > The plug irised open and a small pod was pushed out on a large pole. Tsuneo: So not only did it change the EVA, it also completely rebuilt the entry plug? Rebecca: If his program is that damned good, why did he wait until the middle of a crisis situation to implement it? Dan: He thinks he's being dramatic. In actual fact, he's just being a dick. > The pod opened and Asuka fell to the catwalk in a puddle of LCL. Tsuneo: But the entry plug opens over the liquid. It's transported to the catwalk. Tango: Yes, but this is on a pole. Tsuneo: It doesn't make sense. Asuka should have dropped into the coolant. Tango: Yes, but this is on a pole. That makes it all better. Tsuneo: Rrrright. > She coughed a few times then slowly stood and looked around. Dan: [Asuka] What happened to my plugsuit? Rebecca: Might as well ask what Raiu's doing with that camera. > "That was freaky," Asuka stated shakily. > "Eh, that was nothin'." Raiu replied. "Just wait until you learn to > manipulate your AT Field." Tsuneo: Can we please not go there? Rebecca: So is she going to start using the reverse-AT-warp-thing, or just feeding people Kamehamehas? > Just then, Gendo, Rei, and Kea came walking up to the three pilots. Rebecca: Uh-oh, it's the Corporate Ministry. > Raiu started wringing out his hair as Gendo tried to control his anger. The > older man finally gave up. > "Just what the hell did you do?!" Gendo roared. > "I upgraded EVA-02 into Siron." > "Just what the hell is Seirahn?" Kea asked. Tsuneo: What's with the weird spelling of Siron? Dan: That's to emphasise Kea's accent. Rebecca: What, faggy? > "That's Siron, you dipshit." Raiu snapped. "Learn to pronounce words > the right way for once in your short life!" Dan: As soon as you do, mate. > "Hey!" Kea squawked. "I'm older than you are! Don't forget, > brother. I was created first!" Rebecca: Yes, and you make a wonderful job of being responsible. Tango: [Raiu] Yeah, but my test tube is bigger than yours. Dan: Kea's got test tube envy. > Asuka stared in shock at the two opposites as Raiu uninterestedly > continued wringing out his hair. Tsuneo: What's so shocking? They're just having an argument. Tango: Yeah, she's meant to be the immature, childish one. > "Hmm. To my recollection, we were both created at the same time." Dan: [Kea] Well I'm older by whole seconds! > "Well," Kea replied, searching for something, "I woke up first!" > Raiu rolled his eyes and faced Gendo, Rebecca: [Raiu, whiny] Gendo, Kea's being a poo-poo-head! Dan: I think you're being a bit too mature. > but not before noticing that > Rei and Kea were standing a little too close for his taste. Rebecca: [Raiu] You get away from my bitch, you bitch. > "You're pissed," Raiu stated coldly > "In my office." Gendo hissed through clenched teeth. "Now!" Tango: Uh-oh, Raiu's off to the headmaster's. Dan: [Gendo] You smashed billions of dollars worth of equipment and tried to start Third Impact. I want you to write "I will not destroy the world" fifty times. > Orchard > Rei walked along the path, her nearly soundless footsteps stirring > the dirt beneath her feet. Dan: [Rei] What happened to the grass? > She gazed at the falling petals until she noticed a > shadow sitting beneath a tree. Tsuneo: That's right, a shadow in the shadows. How utterly illogical. > Upon looking closer, she could see it was Raiu. Rebecca: Oh look, it's mister omnipotent again. How does he get everywhere so quickly? Dan: Obviously doesn't use City Rail. Tsuneo: I'm guessing this is meant to be some time later. Of course, we've got no cues for this... > He was sitting with his back to her. > "Hello, Rei." > "How did -" Tango: [Raiu] I used my super hearing, super smell, radar sense and peripheral vision. > "Know you were there? I heard Misato drive up. Y'know, she really > should stop hot-rodding that thing if she wants the engine to last." Tsuneo: Can you go five seconds without lecturing someone? > Rei saw his shoulders rise and fall slightly as if he released a > sigh of pain. Dan: [Raiu] Woe is me, I can dominate the world. Doesn't it suck? > "Look, Rei. I'm sorry about what I said to you the last time we > were here together. Rebecca: [Raiu] we were meant to be together for ever and ever as husband and slave. > I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just trying to protect you from my past." Dan: [Raiu] Did I mention I have a horrible, angst-ridden background? Oh, woe is me. Tsuneo: If he's meant to have an awful, scarring background, shouldn't it leave some awful scars on him? > "What's done is done." Rei stated. "You can't take back those words. > Kea promised to help me get over it." > "Kea? Tell me, Rei. Do you care for him?" Rebecca: [Raiu, redneck] Caws if iyt's true, ahm ah gonna hafta kill him fer takin' mah woman. > "Not that it's any of your business, but I might eventually care for > him." Dan: Woo-hoo, you tell him Rei! > "That filthy bastard." Raiu hissed. "I warned him." > "He's helping me more than you have, you insensitive prick!" [They all cheer] Tango: Go Rei! Rei! Rei! > Raiu's head snapped up to look at her. The look of pain, sorrow, > and anguish Rei saw in his face almost made her step back in shock. Dan: [Raiu] How dare you like someone besides my perfect self! I ought to humiliate and dominate you for that. No, wait, I usually do that anyway. > "Well then. I may as well say goodbye right now." Rebecca: Bye, Raiu. Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out! > "Why?" > "I have nothing left here for me." > "What's that supposed to mean?" > "Everything I had here has been taken from me. The EVAs, my friends > . . . you." Dan: My two-bedroom tree. Rebecca: My magic cards. Tsuneo: My authentic first release Darth Maul figure. Tango: [Raiu] My collection of potato chips shaped like celebrities. > "Wh - what?!" > "When Gendo called me to his office, Kea came along. Gendo fired me > for what I did to EVA-02 and gave my position to Kea. Tsuneo: [Raiu] I mean, just for doing a complete and total unauthorised rebuild of EVA-02 in a way that endangered not only threw EVAs but alkso Asuka and possibly Shinji. What was he thinking? > He also told me that if I > am found within the city limits of Tokyo 3 at sunset tomorrow and anytime after, > I am to be shot on sight. Dan: But I thought it wouldn't matter, since he can dodge bullets anyway. Rebecca: Now remember, he claimed he could dodge bullets, but it was never tested. Tango: Can I volunteer? > And now, Kea has you. Tsuneo: [Raiu] And no-one but me is allowed to own you! You are my property! I own you! I've registered you with the patent office! Hah! [Rebbecca punches him] Thanks. I kinda lost it there. > So you see. I have nothing." Tango: [Raiu] Just my cool shades and my collection of singing potatoes. Rebecca: [Raiu] I'll be fine, just my right hand and me. > "Your not having me is of your own doing." Rei stated coldly. "You > had a chance with me, but you pushed me away." Dan: [Raiu] Oh sure, just rub it in some more, why don't you. > "And I've regretted that decision since three seconds after I said > those words." Tango: [Raiu] So I took it out on a poor, innocent tree. Rebecca: He's the only person in the world who would break up with a girl saying "It's not me, it's you." > "Then you should have thought about it a little more before you said > them. I'm leaving." Dan: [Rei] I'm going back to my mother. Tango: [Raiu] You don't have a mother. Dan: [Rei] Well... Then I'm going back to my tank! > "Wait!" Raiu called out to stop her. > As Rei stopped, annoyance etched into her face, Raiu sighed. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Okay, I'm sorry I'm only almost perfect. But as an inferior being, you must understand these things. > "At least allow me to explain why I said that. I was afraid that if > I allowed myself to get close to you, someone from my past would be able to harm > you. I didn't want to risk it." Rebecca: Cry me a river. Tsuneo: Of course, you're not going to elaborate any, are you? No? Thought not. Rei deserves to be kept in the dark after all. > "Is that it?" Rei asked without turning. > "No." > Before Rei could ask what he wanted to say, Raiu was in front of > her, kissing her full on the lips. He slowly pulled away and cupped her cheek > in his hand. Dan: Well, that worked. Tango: Young freaks in love. Isn't it touching? > "No matter what happens, I will be here to protect you." Dan: Even though you're leaving Tokyo-3? > "How can I know you're not lying?" Rei asked in a cold tone. Tango: Because you have the word of a gentleman. Okay, would you belive the word of a guy. Ok, would you believe the word of a really non-threatening dragon in board shorts? > Raiu pulled off his shades and stared into Rei's eyes. He moved in > and gently kissed her, his eyes still staring into hers. > "I love you, Rei-chan." Raiu breathed as he pulled back a few > inches. "I swear to God that I will never harm you like that again. You mean > more to me than life itself." > "Damn, you're persuasive," Rei whispered as she smiled slightly and > leaned forward to kiss him. Rebecca: Way to go, fic. Rei develops an ounce of independence and self-will, so you ruthlessly squash it into oblivion. Well done. Dan: Bitter? Rebecca: No sir! > Raiu smiled slightly and kissed her back. The two stayed like that > for several minutes before parting. Tango: Actually, they both passed out. Dan [Raiu, muttered]: Damn. Our braces are locked. > Rei started to walk back to Misato's car when Raiu stopped her. Tsuneo [Raiu]: Hang on a minute, Rei. I haven't bent you to back to my will enough yet. > "Hey, um, I was just thinking something." Tango [Raiu]: If Charlton Heston doesn't eat Soylent Green, what will he eat? > "What?" Rei asked. > "I, uh, sorta need a place to stay for at least tonight." Dan: Gee, I wonder where this is going? > "Wait a sec." Rei said. "Didn't you have a place?" > "Heh heh, eh, nope. I've been sleeping in the EVA control room, > docking bay, Tsuneo: Actually, Gendo wants to have a word with you about all the junk food wrappers you left on the floor. > and out here if I didn't have access to the first two." > "So, you're going to stay?" > "Yeah." Raiu replied. "Although it's gonna be a bitch to avoid the > NERV security force. [They all snigger] > Man, Gendo has a frickin' army built up in there." Tango: Fear the almighty power of Barney and Otto! Fear it I say! > "I wonder why . . ." Rei mused as the couple walked toward Misato's > car. Dan: Who would imagine it, an army base with an army. > "Well, whatever the reason, I still need a place to stay." > "You could always stay with me. The bed might be a little small, > but does it matter?" Tango: [Raiu] Yes. Rebecca: [Rei] Good, you can sleep on the floor then. > "Sounds good to me. I'll meet you there, okay? I have a few things > I have to take care of first." Tsuneo: [Raiu] Just gotta go and humiliate Gendo some more. > "Alright, just as long as you're there before eight tonight." > "I'll be there," Raiu stated as they reached Misato's coupe. Dan: So much for Kea, just when he was getting lucky. > NERV lounge > Kea walked through the doorway only to be slammed against a wall. Rebecca: [Kea] So who was stupid enough to put a wall there? > He felt a fist slam into each eye, blinding him. Tango: Kato? Kato! > A few seconds after, a flurry > of punches and kicks cracked several of his ribs and snapped his left femur in > half. He tried to fight back, but his assailant grabbed his fists and squeezed, > crushing the bones in the pale teen's hands. Dan: So much for the incredibly amazing Kea. > Kea felt the attacker drop him and step away from him. > "We end this tomorrow, brother." Raiu snarled. "You have interfered > enough. Meet me in the center of the city. Tango: [Raiu] Where we can do the most property damage. > Be prepared to die." Tsuneo: Translation: You're actually doing stuff. You're being almost as good as me. You're giving the other characters options. This I shall not allow! > With that, Raiu slid out the door and sneaked out of the base > without being noticed once. All: Yeah. Right. > Misato's apartment > Misato, Shinji, and Asuka entered the apartment after having dropped > Rei off at her apartment and sat down in the living room. Silence ruled the > room for several minutes Rebecca: Okay, who let fly? > until Misato spoke up. Dan: [Misato] I'm getting worried about Pen-Pen. Last time I saw him, he was at that Neo-Nazi convention. > "Just what the hell happened out there?" Tango: Don't look at us, we don't know either. Tsuneo: Stuff happened, but it was definitely not cool. > "I don't really know," Shinji replied quietly. > "When Raiu shot Shin-chan, I thought he was dead and went berserk." > Asuka explained slowly. "Suddenly, I felt like I'd just woken up and I was in > Siron Rebecca: [Asuka] And I swear I didn't touch a drop! > - no, I was Siron. It was like my senses were merged with the EVA's. I > don't know how else to describe it." > "Well," Shinji stated, "whatever it was, I think Gendo overreacted > to it. Tsuneo: [Shinji] I mean, come on! The man's just subverting his authority and destroying his years of hard work. > Have either of you noticed how strange he's been acting lately?" > "Yeah." Misato agreed. "He is different than before." Tango: Like some kind of a... Plot device! Rebecca: He's being mind-controlled by an Ethereal! > Rei's apartment > Rei was lying in her bed, thinking about recent events Tango: You know, the demonstrations at the world trade organisation, the Sydney Olympics, the price of eggs in China. > when she heard a knock at the door. Rebecca: So she opened the door and it was just as she expected: Some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril. > She walked over and opened the door to see Raiu standing there. Tsuneo: And slammed the door in his face. Dan: [Rei] I never talk to strangers. Rebecca: See? I was right. > He entered the front room and hugged Rei. The couple kissed > deeply and headed for the bed. Once there, the fell onto it, still kissing. > Raiu reluctantly broke the kiss and chuckled. Tango: Ugh... WAFF... overriding... senses... bones crushing... internal organs failing... slight headache... > "What's funny?" Rei asked. > "Oh, just thinking about a few things." Dan: [Raiu] Beating Kea to a bloody pulp is so much fun! > "Like what?" > "This morning," Raiu began, Tango: [Raiu] There was this really good episode of Beast Machines on. Man, Nightscream is so cool. > "the last thing I would have thought of was winding up here with you." Tango: [Rei] Really, the last thing I would have thought of was a giant purple moose in a tutu on rollerblades. Rebecca: Mrrooooo... Tango: [Rei] Well there you go. > "The same for me," Rei agreed. Tango: So does that mean the last thing Rei thought she'd be doing is spending the night with herself? Rebecca: That doesn't sound to hard for her. > "Also, I hadn't really thought about it till now, but your name is > truly beautiful. Just like the rest of you." Dan: Oh man, he's really reaching. > "My name?" > "Yes. But what does beauty mean when two people love each other?" Dan: A lot? > Before Rei could answer, they were kissing again. In the back of > her mind, Rei heard a voice, but quickly shoved it out. > "Finally, you two are together," Rei thought the voice said. Tsuneo: Ah yes, the amazing Voice In Her Head, that only exists to get her hitched up with Raiu. > The next morning Rebecca: Rei had just out and *shot* her magic voice. > Rei awoke to find herself alone in bed. Rebecca: [Rei] And he said he'd respect me in the morning. All men are bastards. > She stretched and felt a note beside her head. Tango: [Rei, reading] I've run away, and I'm taking the penguin with me. > She opened it and read the handwriting. Dan: Immature, crabbish handwriting in crayon. It must be Raiu. > "Rei." The blue haired teen read. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there > when you woke up. Tsuneo: [Raiu] If I don't get back to my haven before sunrise, I'll turn to dust. > But, with Gendo's security guards on the lookout for me, not > even your place is safe right now. Tango: [Rei] Thanks for leaving me all on my own now. > Yes, I know I said I had until sunset today, Rebecca: [Raiu] I lied. > but it seems Gendo wants me out of here badly. Dan: [Gendo, cowboy drawl] I'm giving you until sundown to be out of this town, pardner. Otherwise, me and the boys are gonna be comin' after ya. > I'll see you tonight, maybe even > this afternoon. Love, Raiu. P.S. Don't be late for school." Tango: [Rei] Yes, mum. > Rei looked at the clock and saw that she had less than half an hour > to get ready and make it to school. Tsuneo: He probably set her alarm an hour late just so he could lecture her about it. > She shot up out of bed and got ready in > record time. Running out the building, Rei almost slammed into several people > on the sidewalk. Dan: Oh look, it's generic Sailor Moon scene number one. In the wrong fanfic. > She only stopped when she heard someone calling her. Rei > looked around and saw Misato in her car, waving at her. Rebecca: What would be more embarrassing: Being late to school, or being driven there by Misato? Tango: If you're late you still arrive, right? > The teen ran over and jumped into the car. > "Could you take me to -" Dan: [Rei] The airport! Tsuneo: [Rei] The bank! Rebecca: [Rei] The gun shop! Tango: [Rei] Earth capital! > "The school?" Misato asked. Tsuneo: [Rei] I was going to say Nerv, but school will do. > When Rei nodded her assent, Dan: Rei said yes. > Misato floored the accelerator. > "Thought so. I was just out for a ride when I saw you run out of > your apartment building and figured you'd need a ride." All: How conveeenient. > In a matter of minutes, Rei was standing before the high school just > as the first bell rang. She entered the large building and headed for her > class. Once she was there, she stood by her seat like the rest of the class and > waited for the teacher to show up. All: Second Impact. > The class was dismissed for lunch around then. Tango: Boy, roll call took ages. > Rei absentmindedly followed Shinji and Asuka over to a table in the quad. Rebecca: [Asuka] So, do you want to sit with the Great Asuka? Dan: [Rei] Well, I- Rebecca: [Asuka] It doesn't matter if you want to sit with me! > Before they could even > start on their food, Misato walked up to them. > "Bad news, you three. We need you back at the base." Tsuneo: Don't they have an alarm for that? Dan: Never mind that, when did Misato become a taxi service? Rebecca: Well, she will give anyone a ride. [Rebecca gets hailed with cushions] > "Why?" Asuka asked, stuffing a sushi roll into her mouth. > "White's back." Tango: That new stain remover really does work! > At this, Shinji spit out the mouthful of soda he'd managed to drink. Dan: [Shinji] This isn't soda! This is LCL in a can. > "Shit!" Shinji swore loudly, startling the three females with him. Tsuneo: Three females? Rebecca: Yep, Hikari's dumped Toji for the pure manliness that is Shinji Ikari! > "Has Ragnarock shown up yet?" Dan: You guys are so reliant on that dragon! Tango: White dragon's shown up? Call Ragnarock! Angel attack? Call Ragnarock! Can't open the jar of pickles? Call Ragnarock! > "No." Misato replied. "And White hasn't done anything except stand > in the middle of Tokyo 3 for the past few minutes." Tsuneo: He's going to build a nest out of Tokyo Tower. Dan: Isn't Tokyo Tower underwater now? Tsuneo: They moved it so the Angels would have something to wreck. > EVA control room Rebecca: Aoba and Hyuga are playing Counterstrike *again.* > Misato walked into the EVA control room amid a flurry of activity. Tango: [Aoba] Quick, here comes the boss! Look busy! > The three pilots were just being put into the Entry Plugs. Once the Plugs were > in the EVAs, Gendo gave the order. Dan: [Gendo] Thunderbirds are go! Tango: [Gendo] Fourteen Big Macs and a diet Sprite! I'm trying to watch my weight. > "Launch the EVAs!" Rebecca: Form Gekiganger 3! > The three EVAs stepped onto the launch pads. Tango: Going up. Men's underwear, hyper-destructive weaponry, shirts, shoes and enigmatic alien visitors. > Once on the surface, > they surrounded White. After they were all in position, they immediately began > firing on White. Round after round of positron bullets and sonic waves hit the > pale dragon's skin, doing little to no damage. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Oh woe, we are useless, where's a really big dragon to save our sorry butts? > Eventually, the rounds started ricocheting off the creatures AT field. Dan: What, so he didn't bother putting it up before? > "ENOUGH!" a voice roared from behind EVA-00. [They all look up] Voice: No. This fic's too bad for even me to appear in. Dan: Does that mean you won't show us the rest of it? Voice: It isn't too bad for you to watch. > The EVAs looked over to see Ragnarock close enough to touch EVA-00 > with his elbow. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Oh what do you know, there he is. It's our hero come to say the day. Again. Rebecca: Thrill as the main characters job to the dragons. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Let's all go and have pie. We aren't needed here. > Siron aimed her sonic disrupters and was about to fire when EVA-01 stopped it. Dan: The sonic weapon won't work. Try using the doomsday bomb or the big rock. Tango: If all else fails, hit him with Bubble Lead! > "Don't." Shinji warned her. "He's a friend." Rebecca: Him good. No hit. > "This is my battle," Ragnarock growled. Dan: But only on pay-per-view! > The three EVAs quickly moved away to let the two dragons have at > each other. Tsuneo: I don't know what's more annoying: the fact that the avatar and his nemesis are completely dominating, or the fact that it's so predictable. > "So, chara, decided to show up." Ragnarock asked calmly. "I'm not > surprised. Rebecca [Ragnarock]: After all, I did book this match. > You always were the more gullible between us." Dan [White]: I suppose... Wait? What's that behind you? Tsuneo [Ragnarock]: What the? Dan [White]: TOGG! Sucker. > "You misjudge me, dear brother." The pale dragon replied. "This > isn't just a petty bout between us, but a fight for this planet's future. Tango: And the right to bear ice-cream! Rebecca: I worry about you. > Soon, all of Terra will be mine to control." [All laugh evilly] > "We'll see about that, Ahnahk." Tango: Well Ahnahk you too! > With that, Ragnarock charged the other dragon. He lashed out with > his forward blades, cutting into Ahnahk's chest. Tsuneo: Getting his chest ripped open seems to happen to White a lot. > The white dragon countered > with a quick leg sweep, knocking Ragnarock to the ground. Rebecca: See, all must fall before the mighty leg sweep! > Ragnarock mule kicked > Ahnahk in the face, breaking several teeth, then leapt into a fighting stance. Dan: And be ready to, at all times, gratuitously pose up a storm! > Ahnahk stood up and fired a volley of laser beams at Ragnarock, who deftly > dodged them. Tsuneo [Bored beyond belief]: Wow. Ragnarock's totally dominating this fight. Who'd have guessed? Tango: How long until Ragnarock gives himself a rest hold? > As the trade off of blows continued, the EVA pilots watched with > uncertainty. Dan: [Shinji] 20 yens on the white one. Rebecca: So what's on Nitro? Tango: Nash and Steiner doing even less. > EVA control room > "Damn it!" Gendo shouted. "Attack them already!" Tsuneo: Are those the attacks that didn't do anything previously? Rebecca: Remember, Gendo is stupid, ineffectual and doesn't know anything. > "Sir!" Maya exclaimed. "I'm picking up massive energy fluctuations > around Ragnarock and the other dragon. Tango: [Maya] It's causing maximum quantum pulse flux chroniton distortions in the subspace dilithium inverse deflector matrix array! > It looks like they're merging their AT fields to prevent outside interference." > "Then find a way around it!" Tsuneo: Well, you could get the EVAs to use *their* AT fields. Dan: Unh... nope. Tsuneo: Why not? Dan: 'Cause. > Ground level Rebecca: Meanwhile, back at ground zero... > "This is pointless!" Ragnarock growled. All: We know. > "For once, dear brother," Ahnahk sneered, "I agree." Dan: And for once, I agree with you White. Tsuneo: Personally, I'm cheering for White. Tango: You're right. It'll be much shorter if Raiu buys the soft serve machine. > The two titans were locked in a battle of strength, each trying to > overpower the other while biting and snapping at their opponent. Rebecca: Bollocks, it was just an extended rest hold. > "Then it's time to end this." Dan: Before the audience falls asleep. > Ragnarock let go of Ahnahk's hands and performed several back-flips, Tango: Trashing precisely how many office blocks? Tsuneo: 8.5, 8.6, 8.0, 9.0 and a 6.3 from the Swiss judge. Rebecca: [Raiu] I would have done better, but the bloody vaulting horse was 5cm to high. Dan: There you have it, Bronze to Raiu, Silver to White, Gold to Orangel. And what's that Raiu's holding? Why, it looks like... Fatso, the fat-assed wombat. Rebecca: Showcase, gauntlet, Dick Pound. [They all stare at her] Rebecca: Well someone had to say it. Tango: And if anyone outside of Australia gets *any* of that, please tell us. > putting him about 150 yards away from the white dragon. He stood straight and > held his hands out at arm's length and shoulder width apart. Tsuneo: He began circling his arms slowly, and little fairy lights appeared all around him. > The EVAs and the > pale dragon watched in surprise as Ragnarock's AT field began bending and > twisting as if it were alive. Dan: [Raiu as Tom Dyron] Feel the power of my reverse AT technique, mother-whatevers! > Suddenly, the field shot forward toward Ahnahk. Tsuneo: Gekigan flare! > The AT blast hit Ahnahk's field and broke through easily. The white dragon was > thrown back several hundred yards as chunks of flesh were torn from his body. Tango: [White] I'll get you when I come back to life! Rebecca: Next chapter, anyone? > The EVAs moved up so that EVA-01 and Siron were off to the sides > while EVA-00 was almost directly behind Ragnarock. Dan: Pay attention people, this is important. Rebecca: I see it was really worthwhile upgrading Asuka's EVA to mecha bikini format. Tsuneo: Fat lot of good she's done this fic so far. > The black dragon stood > waiting for the dust kicked up by Ahnahk's landing to clear when a green blast > of energy similar to Ragnarock's Mega Flare shot out. All: Whoo! > The beam narrowly missed > Ragnarock. He and the two later EVAs spun around to see the blast hit EVA-00 in > the abdomen and began eating away at its body. Dan: Well done in protecting Rei, Raiu. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Noooo! Okay, where do I get another babe? > Flashback All: [Singing] Let's do the time warp again! Voice: You are all weirdoes. Rebecca: Is this just a cheap excuse to use bad black and white footage? Dan: Nah, it means they're just going to roll stock footage for the rest of the episode. > "You may have defeated me this once," Ahnahk stated, Tango: [White] But I will return again! BWAHAHAHAHA! Rebecca: Oh right, White's one of those "you're winning, so I drop the big one" idiots. > "but you still won't be able to return to our old home." > "What are you talking about?" > "You ever see what a fusion grenade does to a bata fruit from the > inside out?" Tango: Ooh, bata fruit give plus 17% health. Less if there's a fusion grenade inside. And you roll on the indigestion tables. > "NOO!" Tsuneo: [Raiu] You destroyed it all! You fools! Why? Why?!? > "Nuyo cra, yun chara. Yo nek tiem hou fek, tou chi lonu taiwe tou > gren sot yun." Tango: [Yoshimitsu] Numu numu numu numu numu! > While the humans heard that, Ragnarock heard something entirely > different. Rebecca: [White] And now for something completely different. > "By the way, dear brother. The next time we fight, Tsuneo: [White] I'm going to get embarrassingly caned again. > you will lose that which you hold most dear." Dan: Raiu then crossed his legs. > Without another word, White teleported away. Tango: Tokyo-3 is... DUM DUM DAAAHHH! The shortcut! > Present > Ragnarock ran over and ripped Rei's Entry Plug out of EVA-00's skull > before the energy got to the head. Rebecca: Well that's gonna do her a lot of favours. Dan: But it's saving her life. Rebecca: What about the feedback? Dan: No, he's saving her life weather she likes it or not. > As the remains of EVA-00 dissolved, Ragnarock handed the Entry Plug to Siron. Tango: Go deep! Kick it to me! > "Take this and get away from here quickly." Tsuneo: [Raiu] I'll be the one to save the day! > "What? Why?" Tango: The Little Bighorn. Due to the price of eggs in China. Dan: What? No. Yes. Really? Well the same to you, mack! Rebecca: Who was that, another confused prank caller? Dan: No, that was the Voice with another idiotic and baffling assignment. > "Because, from what I've seen, Shinji is a better pilot than you > are. Rebecca: What? You dare to doubt the great Asuka's amazing piloting skills? PRETTY EVANGELION SIRON WA-TAK! Tsuneo: Three in one episode. Not bad. > Now go. Unless you want Rei to die." Dan: [Asuka] Yes. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Oh. Well... Um... Tango: Wouldn't it be smarter for Shinji to go, since Asuka's the one with the super-enhanced fan-service cosplay EVA? > Asuka reluctantly took the Entry Plug and ran off to find what haven > she could. Rebecca: How about, say... Inside the Geofront? Dan: I hear Tahiti's nice this time of year. > Ragnarock turned back to Ahnahk as the pale dragon came walking out > of the still swirling dust cloud. Rebecca: Okay, who let rip? Tsuneo: So is that with or without the huge chunks of flesh torn from his body? Dan: [White] Don't worry, I have a mutant healing factor! Tango: [Raiu] No you don't. Dan: [White] Uh-oh... > "Well, well, yun chara." Ahnahk stated in a conversational tone. "It > appears as if my prediction has come true." Tsuneo: [White] The Cubs lost! big surprise. > "She isn't dead yet. Tango: [Raiu] She's getting better! Dan: [White] No she's not, she'll be stone dead in a moment. > Although you will be." > EVA control room > "EVA-00 confirmed: deactivated." Dan: Just "deactivated?" Rebecca: Yeah, it's a deactivated puddle. Tango: The whole self-melting thing was one of its "undocumented" features. > Shigeru reported, then looked at his monitor again. "What the hell?!" Tsuneo: [Aoba] I've got more lines! > "What's wrong?" Hyuga asked. > "Take a look at the readings coming from Ragnarock." Tango: According to this, he's a kind of vegetable. > Hyuga looked and his jaw almost hit the floor. Rebecca: [Hyuga] So that's why Ritsuko and Misato are absent. > "That's unheard of!" > "What?" Maya asked, then saw the monitor. "Holy shit! He's got > fifteen AT fields activated all at once! Tsuneo: What do we see wrong here, kiddies? Dan: Fifteen AT fields? Tango: Maya saying "Holy $#!7?" Rebecca: Shouldn't it just be the power of fifteen AT fields, rather than just fifteen AT fields? Tsuneo: You'd think so. > I didn't think something could even have two active." Tsuneo: That's because the authour's being an idiot. Tango: There's special agencies in charge of that. They ensure you can only have one AT field at a time, so you don't get a bad AT record. Just the other day, they found he had overrun his AT limit, and they shut him down in the middle of a fight. > Behind the three Lieutenants, Gendo swore silently. Dan: [Gendo as Mojo Jojo] Cuuurses! > Surface > The AT fields surrounding Ragnarock glowed with a dark light Tango: Dark light? Are we back in the seventies? > as they shifted form and coalesced before him. Rebecca: They must be using an S3 (TM) graphics card. > The wailing of a thousand ambient voices Dan: Wow, forget Orchestra in my Undies (TM), he's got the entire Vienna boys choir down there. That's why he wears board shorts. Tsuneo: He's using the Circle of Madness. Rebecca: No, I don't think *anyone* will get that. > grew to almost deafening volumes as the Mega Flare energy sphere formed inside > the AT fields. A blast of white-hot energy shot forward suddenly, hitting > Ahnahk in the chest. To Ragnarock's horror, the beam dissipated as soon as it > touched the white dragon. Tsuneo: Of course, if you hadn't given him so long to prepare his defenses... > Ahnahk let out a barking laugh once the beam was gone > and charged at Ragnarock. > "You should know your AT Field Mega Flare is ineffective against > us." Tsuneo: [Raiu] Us? How many of you are in there, White? Dan: [White] Well, there's the soldier, the spy, the nihilist and little Kea. > Ragnarock dove to the side just in time, dodging Ahnahk's lunge. > "Shinji!" Ragnarock shouted to the pilot. "Activate your fusion > cannon!" > "What fusion cannon?!" Dan: [Raiu] Uh... Whoops. Rebecca: Hey, Megatron wants that back. > "Just concentrate on your right chest plate! It'll activate!" Tango: [Dr. Evil] I like to see girls of that caliber. You know, by which I'm referring to the size of their gun-barrels... It's a homonym... Forget it. Tsuneo: You know, if you're going to give him advanced super-zog weapons, it would help to tell him about it. > Ragnarock met Ahnahk's next charge and shouldered him in the gut, > knocking the pale combatant to the ground in pain. Dan: So for all the amazing attacks, super-powers, fifteen AT fields and all, he's taken down by a stupid shoulder-charge? Tango: Last thing he expected. > Shinji did as he was told and concentrated solely on his EVA's right chest plate. Rebecca: [Shinji] Hey, you know this feels kinda soft... > EVA-01 reached up and > pried open the designated armor plate, revealing a large pipe like structure. Dan: [Shinji] Eeew! How'd that get there? > The structure extended from the purple titan's chest and began glowing. > Ragnarock glanced over and saw what was happening to EVA-01. He shoved Ahnahk > away and fired a burst of lasers at his snow-white counterpart. Tsuneo: Where did those lasers come from anyway? Tango: That's none of your damn business! > The burst > stalled Ahnahk just enough for Shinji to finish charging the fusion cannon. Tango: Ironically, the megaweapon is charged by a single 9 volt battery and a capacitor. > "Shinji!" Ragnarock growled. "Fire on three! One . . . Two . . . Rebecca: Five! Dan: Three, sir! Rebecca: Three! > THREE!!" > With that, Ragnarock fired a sky blue energy beam Tsuneo: It's the new cool mint flavour. Dan: Those Mentos are powerful after all! > at Ahnahk as a > similar beam shot out from EVA-01's fusion cannon toward Ahnahk as well. Tango: And they missed. [Long pause] Rebecca: [Shinji] Okay, now what? > The > two blasts hit at the exact same moment, generating an explosion that enveloped > Ahnahk completely and destroyed several nearby buildings. Dan: Thankfully, they were all owned by Telstra or Microsoft so nobody cared. > When the explosion > faded, Ahnahk was kneeling in pain from massive chest and head wounds. Tsuneo: When you've got a headache this big. > Ragnarock walked up to him and slashed sideways with both sets of arm blades, > cutting into the white dragon's abdomen. Rebecca: [Raiu] That's right, he's already dying, so I'll cut him up some more. It's my duty as an utter bastard. Dan: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. > Ahnahk tried to strike back but his movements were sluggish from > pain, blood loss, and cranial damage. Tango: His brain hurts. > Ragnarock grabbed Ahnahk by the shoulders > and kneed him in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of his white opponent. > Ahnahk collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath. Dan: Well this has been an awfully one-sided encounter, hasn't it? Tsuneo: Barely worth Shinji breaking out the horribly disfiguring megaweapon, was it? > The dark dragon loomed over his pale counterpart and jumped into the air. Rebecca: And Raiu goes for the atomic leg drop. > Ragnarock came down with the power of an N2 Mine on Ahnahk's chest, Tango: Given how ridiculously indestructible these guys are meant to be, wouldn't that be like throwing a tricycle at a Mammoth tank? > almost caving in the prone dragon's > ribcage. Ragnarock stepped back and watched as Ahnahk began shrinking. EVA-01 > walked up next to Ragnarock and stared in surprise. > "What's happening?!" Shinji asked. > "He's shrinking back down to his human form. We each have a human > form to conserve energy when we aren't fighting like this. Dan: Now that he's in his human form, lock him away in the jail cell with the false bars. You know, for emergencies and stuff. > Go back to your > base. I'll catch up." > Shinji reluctantly walked off Dan: Never mind thoughts of common sense or reason. You know, see who the human form is, stop Raiu from killing him, see where he's from, what he's after and all that? > as Ragnarock bent down and picked up > the now semi truck sized creature. EVA-01 and Siron stepped onto the launch pad > and were being carried down the tube by the time Ragnarock got to the tube. Rebecca: [Asuka] So why are we just ambling off? Tsuneo: [Shinji] Because Ragnarock told us to. Rebecca: [Asuka] So what, you just let him push you around. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Yeah, sure. Rebecca: [Asuka] And I thought you were a wimp before. > Once they were down in the docking bay, the two EVAs barely had time to move out > of the way when Ragnarock jumped down behind them. He threw the shrunken Ahnahk > at a wall. The human slammed into the wall and slid to the catwalk, > unconscious. Dan: So rather than finish him off out there, you just splat him against a wall? Can we have some reason here, fic? Tango: I see Raiu went to the Central American dictatorship school of prisoner treatment. > Ragnarock slumped to the ground and looked up at the tiny people > before him. > "I will finish the job I started on Ahnahk once I've rested enough." > Without another word, Ragnarock leaned against a wall and closed his > eyes. Tsuneo: [Raiu] I've just busted Ahnahk wide open and left him a broken and bloody pulp. Now I'm going to sleep before finishing him off, leaving ample time for him to get away. Dan: Should we assign one inept guard to look over him? Tango: Nah, it's not like he's got a reason to escape or anything. > Shinji and Asuka were pulled from their EVAs as Rei's Entry Plug was set > down on the wide catwalk behind the EVAs. Dan: They really rushed her to help, didn't they? Rebecca: [Asuka] I've got to get her some medical attention, but I think I'll stand around and watch the fight first. > The young couple walked over to Rei's > Plug and waited for the technicians to cut through the mangled mass that used to > be a hatch. Tsuneo: So how'd the hatch get all messed up? Tango: They're using the jaws of life to open it. Dan:[Technician] Looks like we had a small accident. So who wants some Spam? > Gendo stood behind them, his face emotionless. Rebecca: Now if Gendo was in character, he'd be down there helping them if needs be. Tsuneo: If Gendo was in character, this fic wouldn't have happened. > Once Rei was out of the Plug, she shakily stood on her own and looked around. > "What happened?" Tango: You died. Death took its toll of 3,042 gold coins. you're now back in the village. > "EVA-00 was destroyed by Ahnahk, or whatever his name is," Shinji > explained. > "Then, why am I still alive?" Dan: Could it be that someone ejected the entry plug? Rebecca: [Rei] Didn't think of that. Tango: Gee, you're a dummy, Rei. A dummy plug! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Tsuneo: Don't make me hurt you. > "Ragnarock saved you." > As Rei walked over to the railing and gazed at the sleeping dragon, Tango: Look at the giant bubble coming out of its nose. > Shigeru stepped up beside Gendo. Dan: [Aoba] Look at me sir, I'm getting another line! > "What are the chances of repairing or rebuilding EVA-00?" Gendo > asked without even turning to face the Lieutenant. > "We won't be doing either." Shigeru replied. Rebecca: [Aoba] It's kind of a puddle and all. Dan: Looks like EVA-00 had a creamy center. Tango: And every Chinese restaurant in the area will be serving crispy chicken. > "Nothing remains of > EVA-00 other than the Entry Plug. Even if we could rebuild it, it would take > too long if Ahnahk is just the beginning of another invasion." Tsuneo: Well, it *would* make sense to build a new EVA if you think there's another invasion coming. > "Then Rei is useless to us," Gendo stated as he pulled a pistol from > a hidden holster. Tsuneo: That's right, don't try to help her, don't see what went wrong, don't try to correct any of your infinite mistakes in this ridiculous fic, just out and kill the last Rei you've got left. Heck, it's not like she was *important* to you or anything. > Shigeru called out a warning and tried to stop Gendo, but was merely > knocked away by an invisible shield around Gendo. Rebecca: Boy, Gendo's got some bad B.O. > Everyone spun around to see > Gendo pointing the gun at Rei. As everyone else dodged out of the way, Rei > stood frozen in place with fear, and watched as Gendo pulled the trigger. Rebecca: Everything went slow motion. A dove flew past. > The > pistol jerked backwards in Gendo's hand. Time seemed to slow down for Rei, > allowing her to watch the bullet streak toward her Tango: Actually, Rei was using her MAD SKILLZ to manipulate the Matrix. Dan: Rei is the one. Rebecca: She is the one who exists inside of the one, even. > and hear a roaring voice call out to her, trying to get her to move. > Searing pain filled her chest as the bullet struck. The force of > the impact pushed her against the railing, Rebecca: A bullet does not create that much force. You'd put out more force by punching her. Dan: Shouldn't she stagger back, arms cartwheeling and fall through a pane of glass about now? Tango: He should have used the auto-Snurf rifle. > where she stood for several seconds, as if refusing to accept what had happened. Dan: [Rei] I didn't just get shot. Rebecca: But you're bleeding! Dan: [Rei] That? It's tomato sauce. > As everyone watched, Rei fell > backwards over the railing, only to be stopped in midair as a massive ball of > some sort of semi-solid substance flew at and engulfed her. Tango: What's a semi-solid substance? Dan: It's like half-frozen water. Tango: How do you half-freeze water? Dan: You put it in a not-cold-enough freezer. Tango: And what do you get? Dan: A semi-solid substance. Tango: B-doom tish! Goodnight everybody! > They all looked up > to see Ragnarock staring at the ball with his right arm extended toward it. To > everyone's surprise, a small slit that had appeared on the dragon's palm sealed > itself. > "Watch her." Ragnarock commanded as the ball settled on the ground. > "The gel will only last for ten minutes. Tango: Fortunately, they were ten Microsoft minutes. Dan: Three million years later, Rei woke up on a big red spaceship with a hologram of Asuka, a creature who evolved from Pen-Pen, and Melchior who'd gone kind of silly. > Once those ten minutes are up, time will resume for Rei." Tsuneo: Fifteen AT fields, flight, megaweapon, shapeshifting, EVA-building, super strength, super-agility, super-durability, martial arts, tree destruction, effortless seduction, existential angst and now a stasis bubble. Is there anything Raiu can't do? Rebecca: Characterisation? > Ragnarock shifted his gaze to Gendo, who merely returned the glare. > "I warned you, Gendo." The giant dragon growled. "I will kill you > now. Dan: I will kill you until you die of it! Tango: Noodles, try my fist! Rebecca: You know, it's a good thing you guys *restrained* *Kea* to stop him from escaping. Tsuneo: You mean the guy who's darting out the door as we speak? > Not like this, though. I'll not risk harming the EVAs and my friends." Rebecca: Notice how he mentions the EVAs first. > Ragnarock stood and turned his back toward the group. As everyone > backed away, Ragnarock seemed to melt into a black substance Dan [Raiu]: I'm melting! I'm melting! Tango: What do you know. It's chocolate sauce. > similar to the ball that was holding Rei. Tsuneo: So is that a semi-solid substance too? Rebecca: Shh. > The dragon-turned-blob Rebecca: Oh great. He's turned into Odo. Tsuneo: What's wrong with that? Rebecca: Seven seasons of "do-I-don't-I" whining about Kira, four seasons of playing second fiddle to Worf and the constant re-use of same three jokes with Quark. Tsuneo: OK, besides that. > raised itself up like a snake and > lunged at the catwalk, striking a single point near the railing. Dan: Oh right, can't go *over* the railing, have to wreck the set... > The blob > sucked itself into that point on the elevated floor then grew to about the size > of a human. Gendo fired several more bullets at the blob. Holes grew in the > blob where each of the bullets would have struck, allowing the small pieces of > metal to fly through, unimpeded. Rebecca: My god... It's Dorkwind! Dan: It can't be. Otherwise the entire cast would have turned into... mindless drones... by now... Oh dear. > The blob then shifted and to gain form and shape. > As the pilots and staff of NERV stared in awe, the blob reformed > into a human being wearing a midnight black cloak and cowl, it's head lowered to > hide the face. A black gloved hand reached up from the left side and gripped > the cloak at the right shoulder. With a sudden jerk, the hand pulled the cloak > off and threw it to the side, Dan: So why bother with it anyway? Rebecca: Because he's a dickhead who needs to look cool. Tango: And all the time he's posing, what's Gendo doing? Tsuneo: Being ineffectual. What else? > revealing a young man wearing a black and silver > body suit that was styled similar to an EVA's armor. The man reached up and > removed a pair of sunglasses Tsuneo: Where'd the sunglasses and armour come from? Rebecca: Y'see, Raiu's actually naked all the time and uses his shapeshifting abilities to mimic the appearance of clothes. Tango: So we've been seeing a nude Raiu all this time? Ewwww! > that Shinji and Asuka almost recognized as blades > similar to the ones Ragnarock had on his arms burst out of the man's arms. Dan: And oh, look, he's got an adamantium skeleton to boot. > He > crushed the shades with one hand while two wings and a tail unfurled from his > back. His legs shifted and bent, reshaping themselves to look like Ragnarock's > legs as the skin all over his body darkened to jet black. Rebecca: So why the hell does he keep reshaping him in and out of one form? Tango: [Raiu] Because we've got a massive special effects budget, and I'm going to use it! Dan: That and he wants to drag out the end of the chapter as much as possible. > The man finally > raised his head to glare at Gendo. The NERV supreme commander didn't even react > as the others gasped when they recognized the man's face, even though the skin > was black. Dan: That smug look... Tsuneo: Those pointless sunglasses... Tango: The aura of smarm... Rebecca: It must be... All: DJ Croft! > "This is for Rei!" Raiu Dan: Whoops, our bad. > snarled as he lunged at Gendo. All: GENDO... BAD!!! [The TV screen switches off] Rebecca: Well that was an experiment in utter stupidity. Tango: Stupidity and l337ness. A thin blue line I cross every day. Tsuneo: No, I think you're solidly on one side. Voice: That's um... nice. So what did you guys think of it? Rebecca: I take back what I said back in Chapter one about Raiu being like Jimbo Beckett. He's passed the level of goofiness that made Jim less annoying and has now become just plain annoying. I think he now compares the best to our old pal, Darkwind. Just like Darkfart, he has amazingly contrived shapeshifting powers, can do anything, makes the cast do what he wants them to, has an array of super kewl stuff, has amazing powers, can make things far better then anything the original characters can manage and the like. Also, just like ol' Dorkfish, he's reduced the entire cast to vegetative zombies who can't to anything but follow his orders. The allegory continues with Kea-kins, who is basically like Madaline; a super- menace that only Our Hero can defeat, and really easily at that. Dan: Once in a while, I'd like to see someone who can write a good fight scene. Heaven forbid there isn't anything else worth seeing in this fic. So what do we get? It's the cosmic-scale equivalent of "meet me behind the boys' toilets after school." It's an utter senseless Goldberging. What I'm basically saying is that there's nothing to get excited about in this fic. You know just what's gonna happen, simply because the authour wouldn't let anything go marginally wrong for his character. It's just boring more than anything else. Tsuneo: I'll be brief, and simply say that about zero thought went into this chapter. Basically, it's a random assortment of poorly threaded together scenes that have little or no bearing on each other, and could have mostly been shown out of order with minimal problems. This isn't a fic, it's a short film festival. And about as wanky and boring. Tango: Now I've got to think of something witty to say. Although I've had my manly brain working on it 24/7 for the past two days, I can't come up with anything. Not today, at least. Voice: Once again, thanks for your time. Tsuneo: You're only thanking us because you know we'll break stuff if you don't. Dan: You know, I've got to get back to that game. We're this far away from cracking the temple of horrendous doom. Rebecca: Yeah, and I'm sure there are a few pansy players wandering around asking for it. Tsuneo: You know, you really shouldn't be doing that. Rebecca: They usually start it. Usually. Tsuneo: Whaddya say, Tango? Want to keep me safe from them? Tango: Certainly, bob. Just wait while I fetch my rig. [A blue rectangle of shimmering energy appears in the middle of the room. Tango waves and walks through it, vanishing. Long pause as they stare in disbelief] Dan: You know... I've always wondered. Rebecca: Wondered what? [Dan walks through the rectangle and vanishes. The screen goes blank] Rebecca: Twenty says he's never seen again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com), Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) and Twin Cannon(ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2000 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > "This is pointless!" Ragnarock growled.