Elmer Studios presents...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's (provisionally) epsiode 111, and it's time for more fun with our
favourite Uberkid/Dragon. Whoopee.

Evangelion is copyright Gainax.
Evangelion: The Dark Side is copyright raiu@northcoast.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small,
battered artificial Christmas tree next to the computer, looking for all the
world like it has been trodden on. Ragged tinsel and streamers adorn the
wall.]

[Dan, Rebecca and Tsuneo enter. As soon as they do, sounds of muffled thumping
come from the roof. An air conditioning vent falls in. Tango climbs through it,
wearing a two-tone red and brown cammo outfit, a fake white beard and a Santa
Hat. He is carrying a large red sack in his back]

Tango: Ho ho ho! Merry Australia Day!
Dan: Um, isn't Santa meant to come through the chimney?
Tango: I couldn't find one, so I settled for the air conditioning.
Rebecca: And aren't you a little late?
Tango: No, Australia Day's on the 26th of January.
Tsuneo: So aren't you a little early?
Tango: Not in Krebelekestan!
Tsuneo: But they don't have Australia Day in Krebelkistan.
Tango: Good thing I'm here.

[Pause]

Tsuneo: I think I've gone cross-eyed.
Rebecca: What have I said about thinking, Tsuneo?
Tsuneo: I'm sorry.
Tango: Anyway, I bought us all a big Christmas pudding! [He rummages through
his bag] Let's see... Guns... ammo... pink fluffy bunny slippers... more
guns... death ray... fire extinguisher with false bottom... spray on
repellent... hammerhaed shark... ahah! [He pulls out a quite very big
pudding]
Dan: Cool! I'd better put it in the fridge before it goes off... And being
in your bag can't have helped it.
Tsuneo: Er... Dan, you might not want to do that.
Dan: Why not?
Tsuneo: Do you remember the last time anyone used the fridge?
Dan: Yeah, that was Sandara and Mohan when they stayed here.
Rebecca: Two and a half years ago.
Dan: So?
Tsuneo: Dan, you dope, we haven't checked it since.
Dan: Oh.
Rebecca: There's no telling what might be in there.
Tango: Yeah... there could be all sorts of stuff now... like horribly mutated
hors d'ovures waiting in ambush to attack unwary passers by.
Rebecca: Cannibalistic mystery meat in soggy paper wrappers.
Tsuneo: Green butter.
Rebecca: Chris Kanyon.
Tsuneo: Mutant lettuce that time forgot.
Tango: Feral leftover pizza.
Rebecca: Huge man-eating blobs of mayonnaise.
Tango: Nibbler!
Dan: Maybe, uh, this thing can wait. I'm sure it'll be fine here [Gingerly
puts down the pudding as if it might explode.]
Voice: Good morning.
Rebecca: Oh, look, it's Ozzie Mandril.
Voice: That's not funny.
Dan: Oh come on, everyone knows that you're an evil Australian bent on
world domination.
Voice: Are you quite finished?
Tsuneo: Oooh, we're only just starting.
Tango: Good morning Mr Flowerpot! Two pints of eels if you please.
Voice: Uh?
Rebecca: Good work Tango. We'll beat him yet.
Voice: Er... anyway, today's fic is the fourth chapter of Evangelion, The Dark
Side.
Tsuneo: Great. That's just what I wanted.
Rebecca: That D&D movie will be coming out soon. I wonder how much of it will
be in this chapter.

[They sit, Dan and Tango on the forwards facing couch, Rebecca and Tsuneo
on the other one. Dan and Rebecca are closest on the corners]

Tsuneo: Where we left off, Gendo had just turned evil and shot Rei. We also
found out that Riau is Ragnarock, although anyone who hadn't guessed that is
an idiot.

[The TV switches on]

> Disclaimer: 
> The story, its original contents and ideas,

Tango: Lost. If found, keep.
Rebecca: You have to admit, Dorkside is nothing if not original in its badness.

> and any original characters

Tsuneo: Angels, Dragons, Gargoyles or otherwise.

> belong 
> to the author and cannot be used or reprinted without the author's permission.  

Dan: [Authour] Although I can't actually stop you...

> All other characters belong to their respective owners.
 
> Genesis 1.04
> The Memories and Transformation

Tango: Is this the episode where Optimus Prime gets demolished and rebuilt as a
semi-trailer for no adequately explored reason?
 
> EVA docking bay

Tango: Let's recap the action so far.
Tsuneo: Uh... none.
Tango: Good point. Let's move on.

>             Raiu slashed at Gendo with his right arm blades, cutting a hole 
> through the older man's clothing and into his internal organs.

Dan: [Gendo] That's me... buggered...

> Gendo stumbled 
> backwards, dropping his gun to keep his intestines from falling out. 

Tango [Gendo]: So that's what a spleen looks like. I did wonder.

> The NERV commander looked up at Raiu and grinned evilly.

Rebecca: I've been cut wide open, but I'm still winning!

> The gargoyle ignored the grin and attacked Gendo again.

Tsuneo: Say, what gargoyle was that?

> He performed an uppercut slash only to have his blade 
> stopped by something in Gendo's chest.

Dan: Hey... would that be his mysterious chest from episode 2?
Rebecca: I still say that they're Dalek Bumps.

> A look of shock crossed Raiu's face as 
> he ripped Gendo's shirt open and saw an Angel's core imbedded in the older man's 
> chest.

Tsuneo: Well there's a completely unexpected plot twist for you.
Rebecca: Of course! The only person who doesn't like god boy is possessed by an
evil entity. Otherwise Gendo would be fawning all over him by now.
Dan: But aren't the cores the vulnerable and susceptible parts?
Tango: Usually angel cores are made of jelly, but this one doesn't have enough
water.

>             Raiu backed up several steps before snarling and lunging at Gendo 
> again.  Before he could strike though,

Dan: [Raiu] Didn't work before, so it won't work now. Wait a sec...
Tsuneo: Has anyone checked to see if there's a Black Gear in his back?

> Gendo had leapt away and landed behind 
> the black suited teen.  As Raiu and the others watched, a ring of horns grew 
> from Gendo's scalp

Dan: When you've got a headache *this* big...

> as small, thorn-like blades tore out of his sleeves, covering 
> his arms.  Bladed claws emerged from his wrists.

Tango: Can I have an adamantium skeleton too? Please? I've been good.

> Spines burst from Gendo's back 

Tango: hey, it's Diablo, the old wag. He must have joined the MiB actor's agency.

> that resembled spider legs with blades at the ends. 

Dan: You, ah, might want to see a doctor about that.

> Gendo's legs each split 
> into twelve tentacles while his body seemed to cave in on itself,

Tsuneo: Is he actually turning into anything specific, or just growing a lot of
supposedly nasty parts?
Rebecca: The flaw in his plan was he broke down all his muscles into bone, and
turned out as an inanimate pile of spiky bits.
Tango: Worst bit is the cleaner won't be in until Saturday.

> leaving what looked like little more than skin stretched over bones.

Tsuneo: Oh, I get it. Gendo's a BGC 2040 boomer.

>             Shell-like armor grew over Gendo's body, contorting and reshaping 
> his still human parts.  Once the transformation was over, in the former human's 
> place stood the strangest looking Angel anyone had ever seen.

Dan: More than Ramiel, the giant 8-sided dice of doom?
Rebecca: More than Sahaquiel, the squashed frog?
Tsuneo: More than Iruel, who existed only as computer code?
Tango: More than Tabris?
Tsuneo: What was strange-looking about Tabris?
Tango: His hair, man! Look at his hair!

>             "You'll not stop me from restoring Lilith and the rest of the True 
> Angels to our former glory, freak!"

Dan: Um, look who's talking.
Rebecca: Actually, angels had a generally low count of protruding spiky bits.
Gendo's the real odd one out here.

> The Angel cried as it fired a burst of lasers at Raiu.

Tsuneo: Well, that was very Deltaesque.

>             "Look who's talkin', monster.  Should've known you had ulterior 
> motives for disliking me." Raiu smirked, dodging the lasers.

Tsuneo: Is it even remotely possible that he doesn't like you because you're a
possessive, self-righteous, self-important, egotistical control freak who has no
respect for the authority of others and thinks he can do anything he wants?
Dan [Raiu]: Well, that too.
Tango: So why'd he hire Raiu in the first place?
Rebecca: It was a really bad plot device?

> "I don't really 
> care what your motives are.  You will die for what you did to Rei!"

Tango [Gendo]: Big deal. There's plenty more where they came from.
Dan [Raiu]: Could I, um, say, borrow a half-dozen of them for the weekend?
Tango [Gendo]: Yes, but only if you promise not to be a self-important little snot.
Dan [Raiu]: Hmm... Be a pain in the butt or score with six Reis at once... It's
tough...

>             Before the Angel could respond, Raiu had charged it again, slashing 
> wildly, only to be thrown back by the Angel's suddenly raised AT Field.

Tsuneo: For some reason, I feel I should be excited at this point.

> Raiu landed heavily several yards away and was blasted by the Angel's lasers.

Rebecca: Hey, Raiu, look on the bright side of things. Ok, so the lasers hurt a bit.
But on the upside, you'll get a killer tan.
Tango [Raiu]: But I don't want a killer tan! It'll ruin my dark and brooding look.

> The 
> gargoyle stood and faced the Angel from twenty yards away.  Just as Raiu was 
> about to attack again,

Tsuneo: So far, by following this method of attack, I've accomplished absolutely
nothing. So I'll keep following it.

> the Angel lashed out with its wrist claw, slashing Raiu 
> in the face.  The flesh in the wound hissed and bubbled for a few seconds before 
> forming a red scar over Raiu's eye.

Rebecca: Great. He has all black clothes, brooding angst, self-righteousness *and*
a Trendy Scar.
Tango: But does he have bright purple lobster-patterned boxer shorts?
Dan: Tango, no one has purple lobster-patterned boxer shorts. Aside from you,
of course.
Tango: Of course.

>             "Damn.  Can't heal acid damage.  You die now.  

Tsuneo: For your convenience, this fic has been subtitles by Hong Kong's best.
Rebecca: "Can't heal acid damage?" I suppose that confirms the D&D connection.
Dan: And where was the acid anyway?

> Kusanagi!" Raiu hissed.

Dan: Why did he just call out his own name?
Tango: Don't you know? Raiu's a type of Pokemon.
Dan: ...That makes a disturbing amount of sense, actually.

>             Raiu raised his hands above his head and clasped them together.  
> Beams of bright light shot out from between his fingers.

Tsuneo: So he's got megabeams in this form too? Great. Is there any form of his
in which he isn't unerringly powerful?
Dan: Well, in his least evolved form he's a little blob and all he can think about
is food. On the other hand, he can still punch through EVA armour like it was made
out of jelly.

> The beams twisted and rotated so that they all aimed straight up.

Tango: He's the other way.

> The combined ray of light shrank 
> and Raiu's arm blades glowed, then ran like water up his arms to merge with the 
> light.  The sphere of light that had formed elongated and thinned, forming a 
> sword of light.

Dan [Dark Helmet]: I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
Tsuneo: Well there's a vastly improbable power for you.
Tango: Yes, but can he do long division? I bet he can't do long division.

> Raiu brought his arms back down to his sides only to bring them 
> back up in a defensive position with both hands holding the hilt of the sword.  
> Raiu performed several motions with the sword, leaving a trail of light behind 
> the blade.

Tsuneo: Are you going to quit posing and actually do somehting?
Rebecca: It's part of the stock animation of his ultimate attack. It saves them
two minutes of new footage per episode.

> He held the sword off to the side of one leg, then started running 
> toward the Angel.

Tango: Who had finished his lunch in the intervening pose break.

> Raiu raised the sword over his shoulder as he approached the 
> twisted creature, then lunged forward.  As he lunged, Raiu swung the sword like 
> a pro baseball player would.

Tango: I've never seen a pro baseballer swing a sword.

> In mid swing, Raiu shot forward as if propelled by some other force.

Rebecca: Wouldn't it be funny if while he'd spent all his time posing, Angel-Gendo
had gone off to get a bite to eat?

>             The sword slashed through the Angel so fast that it didn't even have 
> time to react before its core was destroyed.  The Angel seemed to collapse in on 
> itself before exploding with the force of several pounds of C4.  Small bits of 
> dissolving flesh rained on Raiu and the others.

Everyone except Tango: Ewwww!
Tango: Anyone for sausages?

> Raiu relaxed his hands, dispersing the sword. 

Tsuneo [Raiu]: Don't worry, people. I have saved you from that nasty person.
Rebecca [Misato]: That's nice, Raiu. How about cleaning up after yourself?

> As Raiu stood there panting from the stamina drain,

Tango: I thought he'd be the kind of guy to use stamina haxor cheatz.

> a whisper was heard.
>             "Raiu . . ."
>             Raiu's head snapped up

Dan: [Raiu] Oww! My neck...

> to look in the direction of the voice and saw 
> that the gel had been torn from Rei from the chest up in the explosion.  

Tsuneo: Just out of interest, was anyone else caught in this explosion? Or did it, by
some strange act of contrivance, only effect Rei?
Rebecca: It seems that way.
Tsuneo: Damn. I hate it when I'm right.
Dan: While we're at it, why didn't they take her to the medical bay, or sick room, or
what ever they have here?

> Swearing to himself, Raiu ran over and kneeled beside Rei.
>             "I'm sorry you have to see me like this, Rei." Raiu sighed.

Dan: Even authour avatars look terrible first thing in the morning.

> "But, it 
> was unavoidable.  If you don't want to have anything to do with me, I'll leave."

All: Go!
Rebecca [Rei]: OK, so I'm dying... but it does mean that I'm rid of you.

>             "Trust him . . ." the persistent voice in the back of Rei's mind 
> said.

Tsuneo: Forget it, here comes the Magic Voice to try to get her and Raiu together.
Damn you, Magic Voice. Let her make her own decisions.

>             "Stupid . . ." Rei whispered. "I . . . love you . . . no matter what 
> you are.

Dan: Even if you are a horribly malformed shapeshifting freak.

> Even if I . . . only have a few more . . . minutes at the least."

Rebecca: Well, so much for the shred of self-determination she showed last chapter.

>             "Don't talk like that, Rei-chan," Raiu whispered painfully.
>             "Why?  It's true.  I don't have . . . much longer. 

Dan: Her ISP has introduced pay-by-the-second billing.
Rebecca: Alongside hopelessly inefficient connections.
Dan: Low speed!
Rebecca: Narrow bandwidth!
Tsuneo: I think someone's venting.

> I'm just sorry 
> we . . . weren't able to . . . be together . . . any more than we were."

Tango: [Raiu] Look, do you mind just hurrying up and dying quickly? I've got other
places to go.

>             Several red tears rolled down Raiu's face before he started 
> chuckling, then burst out laughing.
>             "What - what's so . . . funny?" Rei asked, grimacing as a new wave 
> of pain washed over her.

Dan [Raiu]: I just remembered this terribly funny scene in a Ranma episode... Ramna
said something dirty, and Akane flattened him with a mallet. I tell ya, I didn't see
that coming.

>             "Rei!  It doesn't have to end like this!  We can live the rest of 
> our live together!"
>             "How?"

Tango: Suicide?
Rebecca: That was off, Tango. Even for you.

>             "Just watch."
>             To Rei's horror, Raiu ripped one of his arm blades off and jammed it 
> into his chest.

Tango: See? I told you

> He began wrenching the blade up and down, cutting a hole in his sternum.

Dan: This is field surgery at its worst.
Tsuneo: Um, don't you want an anaesthetic first?
Rebecca: She's the patient, not you.

> After several seconds, Raiu threw the blade away and shoved his fist 
> into the hole.

Tango [Raiu]: I know it's in here somewhere... Let's see... Pancreas, kidneys, liver,
purple knobbly bit... Damn, where's that stupid thing got to?

>             "Raiu!" Rei cried with rapidly fading strength.
>             "He'll live . . ." the voice stated.

Rebecca: You're awfully sure of yourself, Magic Voice.

>             "RRRAAAAGHH!!" Raiu snarled as he pulled his hand out.
>             In his hand was an object that looked like a mass of torn flesh

Tango: I could really go for a burger right now, How about you guys? [The others mime
being sick]

> that 
> pulsed with a bright red light.  Rei looked at the object in shock.
>             That's his heart! Rei realized.

Tango: Wow. When he said that his heart was hers, he wasn't just being mushy.

>             "No." Raiu stated as if able to read her thoughts. "Only half of it. 

Dan: [Raiu] Because there's a movie I haven't ripped off yet!
Rebecca: So I guess Raiu's being played by the voice of Sean Connery, right?

>  It's the only way to save you.  I love you, Rei-chan."

Tsuneo: [Raiu] With Gendo effortlessly disposed of, I've got to fill up the entire
chapter with badly-written WAFF.

>             Rei smiled slightly as Raiu leaned down to kiss her.  As their lips 
> met,

Dan: The audience puked.

> Raiu placed the half-heart over the bullet wound in Rei's chest.  Rei's 
> body bucked in pain as the torn organ slithered into her chest as if it had a 
> mind of its own.

Tsuneo: How's it getting in there through a bullet wound? Either Gendo blasted her with
a shotgun or he's got a tiny little heart.
Tango: He used the 45mm Silencer on her!
Rebecca: That makes a strange amount of sense, actually.

> Once it was in, the wound sealed up and Rei's body went limp.  

Rebecca: On the other hand, instant-closing wounds don't.
Tsuneo: Amazing. Even one of his internal organs has super-contrived abilities.

> Raiu's eyes widened in fear as he placed two fingers against the side of her 
> throat, then relaxed when he felt a faint pulse.  He stood up and almost fell 
> over when a wave of pain coursed through his body.
>             "Damn.  Forgot about that."

Rebecca: You've just torn half your heart out. Of course you're going to be in
frigging pain.

>             Raiu looked down at the holes in his arm and chest.

Rebecca: [Raiu] Oh yeah, forgot about those. Look at me, I'm bleeding to death.

> Almost 
> instantly, the wounds began sealing up.  He looked around to see everyone 
> staring at him in shock.

Tsuneo: [Raiu] What? Don't you see shape-shifting dragons kill your boss every day?

>             "If you want Rei to survive, get her on life support as soon as 
> possible.  The two halves will regrow into two whole hearts,

Tsuneo: ...That's just too screwed-up for words.
Tango: Did anyone check to see if Raiu was a compatible donor? I think not.

> but she'll need the life support.  She nearly died, after all."

Rebecca: Pardon me, but I do think that NERV's staff are sensible enough to know that you
get people who have been shot to medical help as soon as possible.
Dan: Ie: long before now.

>             Shinji visibly gulped and stepped forward.
>             "What about you?"
>             "I'll be fine," Raiu replied.

Dan [Shinji]: Oh, ah, you kind of killed my dad and all.
Tsuneo [Raiu]: Yeah, whatever.

>             Despite his words, Raiu promptly passed out and fell to the ground, 

Dan: Wow. Real smooth move there.

> his wings, tail, and arm blades disappearing as his black body suit shifted into 
> his normal black outfit.

Dan: So, um, his clothes shapeshift too?
Tango: They're made out of the same super-stretchy stuff as Apache Chief's loincloth or
Mr Fantastic's jumpsuit.

> Shinji turned to the other nervously.

Dan: Only one other person? Where's everyone else.
Tango: While Raiu and Gendo were fighting, everyone but Aoba went off to get pie.

>             "Uh, what do we do?"

Dan: Now's a good time to dump him out the back.

>             "Let's get Rei on life support like he suggested." Misato stated, 
> quickly taking command.

Tsuneo: Why thank you Misato! How long did it take you to reach that conclusion?
Tango: Three days, sixteen hours, fourty-three minutes and twelve seconds exactly.

> "Put him in a holding cell.  I've got a lot of questions to ask him.

Dan: What is your name?
Rebecca: What is your quest?
Tango: What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

> Do the same to whoever it is Ragnarock, Raiu, or whatever he calls 
> himself beat the crap out of."

Tsuneo: "Put Kea in a cell too".

> Rei's mind

Tango: Hey... is that a lava lamp she's got in there?
 
>             Inside Rei's head, her thoughts were like a hurricane.

Tango: tearing across the landscape and destroying everything in sight? Sounds
like Rei.

> She saw things that she never remembered happening.

Dan: [Rei] And then my life flashed before my eyes. At least, I assume it's mine.

> A flash of light separated each set of images.
 
>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes]
Rebecca: Next time could you warn us before you do that?
 
>             Rei was absentmindedly walking down a hallway

Tango: [Rei] Ho hum, I've got nothing to do but blunder into an important scene.

> when she heard a 
> muffled thud come from a nearby room followed by unrecognizable voices.  She 
> crept over and put her ear to the door.  Rei recognized Raiu's voice almost 
> instantly.
>             "What are you doing here, anyway?!"

Dan: You know, that's what we've been trying to figure out.

>             "Simple," a voice Rei didn't recognize answered, "I came to see you, 
> brother.  Although, I should be the one asked that question."

Rebecca: Well you were the one asked that question.

>             "Bullshit." Raiu snarled. "You died!  How the hell did you come 
> back?!"

Dan: You see, Kea's one of the X-Men. Every time he dies, he gets better in a few
issues.

>             "They regenerated my body and revived my soul.

Dan: And precisely how do "they" do that?
Rebecca: Oh, while no-one was looking, "they" solved the mysteries of life and
invented the ressurecatron. Of course, this is only the greatest technological
breakthrough in history, so it's just a simple footnote here.
Tango: And will only be reserved for such incredible talents as Pauly Shore and
Carrot Top.

> I escaped again and came looking for you."
>             "Then why did you attack me yesterday?"

Rebecca: [Kea] I had a hangover.

>             "I was under Their control then.

Tsuneo: So you escaped from them, died, were brought back to life, escaped again,
and were then put under their control?
Tango: That's about as likely as anything else in this fic.

> I managed to break free of that control soon after."
>             "Then prove that you've broken it."

Dan: [Kea] Well, they're just not controlling me.
Rebecca: [Raiu] But if you were, you'd say that anyway.
Dan: [Kea] What chance does that give me? Okay then, I am under their control!
Rebecca: [Raiu] Aha! Got you!

>             "I haven't attacked you yet.  Isn't that proof enough?"

Tango: Yeah, but that would be team-killing, and then he'd be kicked off the server.

>             "Not in the slightest.  You were always the devious one between us."
>             "And you don't consider what you're doing now devious?

Dan: Is it just me, or is Kea coming off as the good one?
Tango: But he's the Bad Guy, 'cause he's not Raiu.
Dan: Like I said, the good one.

> Anyway, how is your precious Rei doing?

Tango: The share price was up this week, and they're expecting an increased end of
year profit.

> I do hope you haven't caused her any harm yet."

Dan: Physically, no.

>             Upon hearing her name, Rei jerked backward and stood up.  She opened 
> the door just in time to see Raiu slam his fist into Kea's face.

Tango: [Raiu] Kinda squishy.
Rebecca: [Kea] I let you do that!

> Kea's head 
> snapped back and slammed into the wall behind him.  Before he could even fall, 
> Raiu had landed a series of punches and kicks to the pale teen's chest and 
> abdomen.

Tsuneo: With scenes like this, you have to wonder how he ever thought he could get
Kea over as a credible threat.

> Raiu picked Kea up by the collar with one hand and pulled the smaller 
> teen close to his face.

Tsuneo: [Kea] Well someone here could use a breath mint.

>             "You had better stay away from her," Raiu snarled, pure rage evident 
> in his voice,

Tsuneo: [Raiu] Or I'll have to demonstrate how much of a domineering possessive
misogynist I really am!

> "or you won't even have time to blink before I kill you."

Dan: Why? Isn't she free to be with who she chooses?
Tango: No, shh. Kea bad, remember?
Dan: Why exactly?
Tango: Just y'know, bad.

>             "I'd watch my language if I were you, dear brother."

Tsuneo: Because this is a PG-13 fic.
Tango: Oh drat. Oh bother. Oh spoony.

> Kea sneered, 
> staring straight at Rei. "For we are in the company of a fair maiden."

Dan: No-one we know. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] It's true!

>             Raiu spun around, dropping Kea in the process, to see Rei staring at 
> him in horror.

Tsuneo: [Rei] Are you meant to have that many wings?
Rebecca: Well I can understand why you'd be looking in horror if you walked in on
Raiu and Kea.

>             "Shit." Raiu swore, walking over to Rei. "I'm sorry I have to do 
> this again, but it's best if you don't remember what we said."

Tsuneo: And why shouldn't she anyway?
Tango: Well, if they'd said anything worth remembering...

>             With that, he placed his right palm against her forehead.  Almost 
> instantly, Rei collapsed into Raiu's arms, unconscious.

Rebecca: Shape-changing, EVA-rebuilding, curing all known ailments, big-assed
blasts and now mind control. What next, turn water into funk?
 
>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes again]
Dan: Great. Now all I can see is spots.
 
>             Raiu let out a cackling laugh and set EVA-01's jets to full power, 

Dan: [Raiu] I'm the god, I'm the god, muahahaha!

> leaving Rei behind in less than a second.  She gave chase and froze in shock 
> when she saw Raiu fighting an Angel.

Rebecca: I remember this, we walked past this throwaway angel in chapter one.
Tsuneo: Did we get a description?
Rebecca: No.
Tsuneo: Did we get a reason?
Rebecca: No.
Tsuneo: Did we get a fight scene?
Rebecca: No.
Tsuneo: So how should I remember it above any other angel in any other fic anywhere?
Tango: You don't.

>             The Angel fired a red beam of energy

Dan: It's the new raspberry flavoured Angel.
Tango: They're my favourite type.

> at EVA-01, striking it in the 
> chest.  The EVA stopped dead in its tracks and tumbled to the ground.

Tsuneo: Helluva pilot Raiu turned out to be.

> Rei 
> charged the Angel only to suffer the same fate as Raiu.  The Angel approached 
> her EVA and kicked it, sending it flying over EVA-01. 

Dan: Okay, we've established it has legs. This is important.
Tsuneo: That limits it to what, three and a half.

> The blue EVA crashed half a block from EVA-01

Dan: On the other hand, it could have kicked her with a tail or something.
Tsuneo: Then it's not a kick, is it?

> Through her still functioning monitors, Rei watched the 
> Entry Plug of EVA-01 eject just enough for Raiu to exit as the Angel approached 
> her EVA again.

Tsuneo: I mean, then it would have been identified as a "tail whack," or something
like that.
Dan: Well, If Tony Schiavone was calling it...

> When she saw Raiu get out, he was much different than when he'd 
> gotten in the EVA.

Dan: Well maybe it's got appendages that resembler legs, but aren't really legs. You
know, like Zeruel?
Tsuneo: No way could Zeruel kick with those.

> He had wings, a tail, and two blades extending from each arm.

Dan: So we've established that it's vaguely humanoid, then.
Tsuneo: No, only that it may or may not have at least one leg.
Dan: You are so pedantic.

>             "You damned bastard!"

Tango: Try this melon!

[They all stare at him]

Dan: Um... Where were we?
Voice: The fic?
Tsuneo: Oh yeah, that thing.

> Rei heard Raiu shout. "You're dead now!  This 
> will teach you not to hurt Rei-kun!"

[They all point at the screen and break out laughing]

Tsuneo: Okay, so it's not the most *feminine* haircut...
Dan: Gee Raiu, can't you tell the difference yet?
Rebecca: Well, she looks *so* much like his beloved Kea....

>             Rei tried to call Raiu back, but her transmitter had shorted out.

Tango: [Rei] Even in the future nothing works.

>             "BANISHER!" she could hear Raiu yell before he leapt into the air, 
> threw his arms back, and thrust his chest out.

Rebecca: Raiu Kusanagi is Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich!

> A white beam of energy with yellow bands spiralling around it fired from his chest

Dan: Okay guys, try and guess whose move he's ripped off here.

> and struck the Angel dead center in its core.

Tsuneo: So we have identified it as one of the first four Angels.
Tango: Any reason why they're going retro?
Rebecca: So Raiu can stomp them easily?

> The beam punched through the Angel and continued on into the night air.

Tango: Piercing through several apartment blocks and killing innumerable innocent
civilians. But that's okay, because Raiu's cool.

> Strangely, instead of just slumping to the ground, the dead 
> Angel was sucked into the beam.

Rebecca: I guess we should be thankful it didn't make a mess.
Dan: Damn... He's got a big ass blast in that form too. Is there anything he
can't do?

> As the beam faded, Rei saw Raiu's extra appendages fold into his body.

Rebecca: [Rei] Say Raiu, where do you keep all those extra appendages?
Tango: [Raiu] That's none of your damned business!

> With the Angel dead, EVA-00 quickly regained 
> power and stood up.

Rebecca: And a good thing too. It'd be horrible if Rei actually got to do anything
for herself.

>             Raiu looked at the rising giant and swore silently.  He leapt onto 
> the EVA's head and clambered onto the Entry Plug hatch.

Dan: Getting a little fresh here, aren't you Raiu?

> He pulled the hatch open and crawled inside.

Dan: Don't you ever knock before entering an EVA?

> Rei cowered away from him as he swam toward her in the LCL.

Tsuneo: How much space is there in this thing?
Tango: It's the new family model with seventeen cup holders.

>             "It's best you don't remember this Rei." Raiu stated sadly. "I'm 
> sorry."
>             Raiu placed his left palm against her forehead and she almost 
> instantly passed out.
 
Dan: Oh, so he knows the Vulcan Mind Meld on top of all else.
Tsuneo: Well that's great. Rather than trying to explain anything you're going to
wipe chunks of her memory. Way to go Raiu.

>             He did that to protect me. Rei realized. He cared for me even then.

Tango: He erases chunks of her memory in a friendly, caring way.

>             Rei twitched in her sleep as she regained those lost memories.

Dan: [Rei] Can I trade them in for better ones?
Rebecca: [Rei] Wow, in a past life I was all three of the Three Stooges.

> As those images faded, they were replaced with ones she knew were not hers.

Tsuneo: [Rei] That's it, I'm suing my hypnotherapist.
 
> Misato's apartment

>             Asuka sat next to Shinji on the couch and leaned against him.  He 
> smiled and put his arm around her.

Dan: [Shinji] My dad's dead, Rei's almost dead, everything's falling apart
around me... Time to make a move.

>             "How are you?"

Dan: I thought we spent half the series on that.

>             "Good, now that you're here," Shinji replied, still smiling.

Rebecca: I think the medication's finally taken effect.
Tango: Welcome to my world.

>             "Suck up," Asuka stated, grinning and lying her head on his 
> shoulder.
>             "Just stating the facts, Asuka-chan."

Dan: [Asuka] Okay, what do you want?

>             "I'm surprised you piloted EVA-01 so readily the other day.  You 
> even act different than before."

Tsuneo: [Shinji] That's what the world not ending when it's supposed to does for
you.
Rebecca: It's called being out of character, Asuka. Don't worry, you'll get some
of it too.

>             "I've got a reason to fight now," Shinji answered.

Tango: [Shinji] They gave me a pay rise, so I'm now earning minimum wage.

>             "What's that?"

Rebecca: [Shinji] Last time I acted like a total bad-ass in a fic, I wound up in
bed with Rei. I'm hoping to repeat the performance with you this time.

>             "To protect the person I love."

Dan: [Shinji] And get her away from Raiu- er, wait, I meant-
Rebecca: [Asuka] WA-TAK!

> Shinji whispered to her. "You've 
> given me more confidence than I've ever had before."

Rebecca: There's a terrifying thought: Asuka, personal motivator.
Tango: [Asuka] You will be the best you possibly can, or I'll come down there and
rip your arm off!

>             Asuka smirked and shifted closer to Shinji.

Dan: And thrust the knife between his ribs.

>             "Not only am I the best EVA pilot, I'm also the inspiration for the 
> other pilots!"

Tango: [Asuka] Now they can all be overzealous unthinking egotists like me!

>             "Great," Shinji moaned, "now I've given her an even bigger ego!!"

Rebecca: Any bigger, and it'll get its own postcode.

>             Asuka lightly punched him in the arm before laughing.

Dan: Aww, young freaks in love.

> Shinji smiled at his girlfriend and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

Tango: Aargh, they're getting all WAFFy! It's making me sick.

> Pen Pen watched the humans' actions curiously,

Tsuneo: Video camera in hand.

> then shrugged and headed for the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist.

Dan: Why does he have a towel around his waist?
Rebecca: He doesn't want to be seen naked.
 
> Rei's mind

Tango: You know, there's an awful lot of people in here. Hi, me!
 
>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes]
Tsuneo: Don't do that!
 
>             Rei watched through someone else's eyes as they opened to see a pale 
> orange liquid surrounding it.

Rebecca [Rei]: Well this is a familiar feeling.

> She felt the liquid passing in and out of her body freely.

Rebecca: [Rei] I've turned porous.

> Ears that were not her own heard voices speaking outside the glass 
> tube he or she was in.  The language they spoke was new to her, but somehow, Rei 
> was able to understand it.

Tsuneo: That's because they had close captioning.

>             "Subject Dark Heart is awake." A male voice said.

Dan: [Clears throat] "The dark heart one is woke."
Rebecca: What are you doing?
Dan: Subtitling. Try it out.

> "Hmmm. Interesting.  I'd expected Subject Light to be the first awake."

Rebecca: "Interesting? Light would be the one awake!" Hmm, you're right.

>             "Does it matter?" A female voice asked. "This is proof that it's a 
> success!"

Tango: "Dos it matter? This is proof of work!"

>             Rei saw and heard no more as the person fell asleep in the memory.
 
All: Snooze!

>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes]
Rebecca: I should have bought sunglasses.

>             Rei was once again staring through the orange liquid

Tango: We've secretly switched Rei's LCL with Diet Fanta. Let's see if she notices.

> as the same two voices spoke.
>             "We've proven it's possible to create a person."

Tsuneo: Ah, Mad science.

> The female voice stated. "Now, let's prove the creation of intelligence."

Dan: Give him a few rocks to bang together.
Rebecca: That doesn't prove anything. Chimps can do that.
Tango: But he might end up forming a Boy band, which would prove failure of the
experiment.
Tsuneo: That makes sense in an incredibly twisted way.

>             A hand pressed against the glass of the tube from the outside.

Dan: Does it bug you when I do this?

> The person whose senses Rei was using moved forward.  It's - or Dark Heart's

Tango: Isn't Dark Heart a medical condition?

> - hand reached out and pressed against the glass, matching the hand from outside.

Rebecca: When you've been stuck inside a tube of LCL all day, you'll do anything
for amusement.
Tsuneo: I want to know how he can hear anything in there.

> Dark 
> Heart's hand then traced the outline of the other hand with a finger. The other 
> hand then began moving in circles.

Dan: Then they did improv exercises.

> Dark Heart's hand mimicked it for a split 
> second before forming a fist and slamming against the glass right where the palm 
> of the other hand was pressed.
>             "It seems Subject Dark Heart wants out a little prematurely, my 
> dear," the male voice stated.

Rebecca: That's because not all that liquid is LCL.
Dan: Hey, is that Cobra Commander out there?
Rebecca: No. It's a guy called Snake who looks like Cobra Commander, acts like
Cobra Commander and sounds like Cobra Commander, but is in no way, shape or form
actually Cobra Commander.

>             "I'm reading massive amounts of anger emanating from the subject." 

Dan: What gave it away, the raised middle finger?

> The female voice responded. "From the look of the readings, Subject Dark Heart 
> thinks you are playing with him."
>             "Far more intelligent than we imagined.

Dan: He has mastered the art of fist!
Tango: Now all he needs to do is develop metallurgy, the wheel and Advanced Technology
Four, and they can build veteran militiamen!

> Subject Light isn't this intelligent."

Tango: Light has only mastered rice pudding and income tax. This one's already
writing his own operating systems.

>             Again, Rei saw and heard no more as Dark Heart shut off his senses.

Tsuneo: Dark Heart needs to talk to his cable operator.

> NERV HQ, holding cell

Dan: So is that Ritsuko over there? Just wondering.
Rebecca: [Ritsuko] So now that Gendo's dead, does that mean I've been cleared of
all charges? I was just wondering. Um... Hello? Hello?

>             Raiu woke to see Misato and Shinji standing over him.

Dan [Raiu]: Damn, it's a nice view from down here [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion]

> He slowly sat up and rubbed his forehead.
>             "Damn, that hurt.  Hey, where are my shades? 

Tsuneo: [Raiu] I can't look despicably cool without them.

> Oh yeah.  Crushed 'em.

Tango: [Raiu] Where am I gonna find a pair of three dollar specs at this time of
night?

> Oh, well.  What day is it?"

Rebecca: [Cockney accent] Why it's Christmas day, guv'!

>             "Thursday."

Tango: [Misato] Last year. We're still trying to figure it out.

> Misato replied brusquely. "Now, whether you'd like to or 
> not, you're going to tell us everything."
>             "Everything?" Raiu smirked.

Dan: [Raiu] Well, the aardvark is a burrowing insectivore with a protruding nasal
appendage. The aardwolf-
Rebecca: [Misato] Oh, forget it!

> "Don't know everything.  Just my past, 
> what I've learned from others, and the present."

Tsuneo: [Raiu] I also know how to completely rebuild EVAs, erase people's memories
and open those really hard jam jars.

>             "Don't get smart with me, young man - dragon - whatever you are!"

Dan: Can we go for all of the above?
Tango: I think he's a type of herb.

>             Raiu smirked again and stood up then followed the two to the 
> briefing room where the rest of the staff sat.

Dan: So is that everyone, or just named characters?
Rebecca: Don't worry, Raiu's been thinning out the cast just so they can all fit.

>             "You deserve to know my past.

Dan: [Raiu] There's not much to say really. I was born in Burma to a Bulgarian
diplomat and a local hairdresser. My father was a drug-crazed, alcoholic neo-Nazi
and my mother spent most of her time up against walls in bars with sailors. At the
age of six, I was sent to boarding school. I remember well the long hot Iowa summers
spent playing cricket, and the long cold Iowa winters doing downhill skiing-
Rebecca: [Misato] Just admit it, you're making it all up.
Dan: [Raiu] Yes.

> But first I want to say something.  I 
> just want to apologize for deceiving and flat out lying to all of you.

Tsuneo: [Raiu] I'm not actually a qualified EVA serviceman. Heck, I wouldn't know
one from a hammerhead shark.
Dan: [Misato] That's an interesting comparison. I wondered what happened to your arm.
Tsuneo: [Raiu] Hammerhead sharks don't appreciate it when you try to install jump
jets in them.

> Now, about my past."
 
> Rei's mind
 
>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes]
Tsuneo: Damn, voice! You should put a warning on this fic!

>             Rei's eyes opened to the now familiar site of the pale orange liquid 
> that still flowed freely in and out of Dark Heart's body.

Dan: You know, he should have someone look at that.

>             "It is time to let them out."

Rebecca: Does that mean they've finally arrived on Caballito island?

>             Before Dark Heart or Rei could comprehend what was happening, the 
> liquid was drained from the tube he was floating in.

Tango: Someone finally found the flush.
Dan: Will that flush the fic with it?

> Dark Heart fell to the 
> ground as the wires holding him up released him and the tube was retracted into 
> the ceiling.

Tango: Your body has now been adjusted for Metaluna's atmosphere and pressure.

> With reflexes a rabbit would envy, Dark Heart was standing in a 
> defensive posture,

Rebecca: [Woman scientist] Well, it seems his development was [peers forwards]
somewhat stunted.
Dan: [Dark Heart] C'mon, it was cold in the tube! There was shrinkage!

> ready for an attack from any side.  Sensing that he was in no 
> danger, the subject relaxed just enough to fool the casual observer.

Tsuneo: In fact, he was practicing the third movement of the Crouching Tiger
stance.

> Dark Heart looked around to see a middle-aged man, a young woman,

Tsuneo: Oh look, it's Hollywood's latest star marriage. The downside is they both
need nappies.

> and a young man that Rei recognized as Kea.

Tsuneo [Bored]: Now there's a totally shocking development.
Rebecca [Kea]: Why Raiu, you look so *manly* without your tube on.

>             If that's Kea, then the person I must be remembering this through is 
> . . . Raiu!

All: Naw!

>             As if beckoned, Dark Heart - no, Raiu - and Kea stepped forward.  
> The man stepped forward to stand a few feet away from the two brothers.  Kea 
> immediately kneeled before the man.
>             "You are my creator." Kea stated simply. "Therefore, I belong to 
> you."

Tsuneo: There's a basic belief system for you.
Tango: Yeah, but just wait and see what happens when the market is flooded with
bootleg Korean Keas.

>             Raiu looked at his brother with undisguised disgust as the man 
> beamed.

Dan [Raiu]: Suck up.
Rebecca [Kea]: Yes please! [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion]

>             "You catch on quick!  Now, Dark Heart, shouldn't you be doing the 
> same?"
>             "I am a sentient being," Raiu replied, "therefore, I belong to 
> myself."

Tango: And he's got the receipt to prove it.
Dan [Man]: This is a forgery.

>             "A bit arrogant," the man asked his female partner, "don't you 
> think, my dear?"
>             "Not necessarily." She answered. "He speaks the truth.  Sentient 
> beings do belong to themselves.  Although he should kneel to you out of at least 
> respect."

Rebecca: On the topic of respect, do you want to, you know, cover up?

>             "He has yet to earn my respect." Raiu stated. "I do not give out 
> respect to every person who asks for it."

Tsuneo: So creating you doesn't warrant respect?
Rebecca: I think someone's in need of a little Father-son bonding.

>             "I believe we designed him to be a little too intelligent," the man 
> mused.
>             "While he has knowledge of such things as sentience and respect,

Tango: How much respect will he get with no clothes on anyway?
Rebecca: None, except from Kea, of course. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion]
Tsuneo: You cut that out.
Rebecca: Why? It's so much fun. Raiu/Kea slash is the most fun I've had outside
of a BGC fic.

> he 
> most certainly does not know of most things outside this laboratory."

Tango [Raiu, craning neck to look out the window]: Yes I do.

>             "On the contrary," Raiu corrected her, "I know almost everything 
> about the outside world."
>             "Well then," the woman began, "what is

Rebecca [Woman]: The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Dan [Raiu]: African or European?

> the population of Terra?"
>             "Which species?" Raiu asked.

Tango: Dingoes!

>             "Human."
>             "There are approximately three point nine billion humans living on 
> Terra, one quarter of which are either homeless or uncivilized."

Tsuneo: LA's population has grown a lot in the last few years.

>             "How did you know that?" the man asked, astounded.

Tsuneo: The game show's producers sent him a letter with the answers to all
this week's questions. Next week he's going to take a dive to Tom Dyron.
Rebecca: That would be so humiliating.
Dan: Next question: Who was the fourth president of the United States?
Tango [Tom]: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
Dan: Um... Correct.

> "I knew that was the exact answer, but how could you have known it."
>             "You designed us to adapt to our social surrounding as quickly as 
> possible." Kea replied before Raiu could.

Tsuneo [Raiu]: You're upstaging me again, Kea. I'll have to punish you for that.
Rebecca [Kea]: Yes please! [Pause] Nothing?
Tsuneo: It's not worth the effort.

> "You were not specific on how to do so.

Dan: So they just accidentally gained the ability to know everything?
Tsuneo: By this theory, in order to create the perfect being, all you have to do
is switch off the machine and set the lab on fire.

>  As such, we are able to learn everything a person knows about their world 
> and language just by speaking with them for a few moments.  If we so wish."

Tsuneo: Wow. To these guys, saying hello is the equivalent of reading an entire
encyclopaedia.
Dan: I'd love to know what would happen to him if he bumped into someone speaking
l337.
Rebecca: Raiu's powers get more contrived and improbable with each chapter. I'm
impressed.
Tango: By the end of the next one, he'll be able to self-immolate, create stable and 
reliable operating systems and summon Buddha.

>             Rei faded out again with the sight of the man and woman staring at 
> Raiu and Kea with slack-jawed looks.
 
>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes with cushions]
Dan: Good thing we saw that one coming.
 
>             Rei once again saw the orange liquid, but this time recognized it as 
> LCL.

Tsuneo: So what was the orange liquid they were in before?
Rebecca: Gatorade.

> She could sense Raiu's impatience and annoyance with his situation.

Dan: He needed to go.

> She 
> probed the memory and recoiled slightly in surprise.  He was being tested in a 
> dummy EVA!

Rebecca: Well there's a completely unsurprising plot twist.
Tsuneo: Where'd these mad scientists get a dummy EVA from anyway?
Tango: SEELE was having a garage sale. I picked up some pretty neat stuff at
the last one. I bought Mideon at it. He's in the fridge.
Dan: I hope he's joking.

>             "Haven't we proved that we can achieve a Synchron percent of 2500 no 
> matter what situation it is yet?" Raiu asked.

Dan: Hey, I think I've figured out these surreal synch rates. Maybe you need to
insert a few decimal points in there.

>             "Why are you so worried, Dark Heart?" Kea asked. "It's not like we 
> have anything else to do."

Rebecca [Kea]: At least not in separate entry plugs. [Dan hits her with a cushion]
Tsuneo: Thank you.

>             "It's not that, Light!" Raiu snapped. "I just think it's pointless 
> to test for something we know will happen every time we pilot an EVA!"

Rebecca: These guys get paid by the result. Thus every Synch Test report they hand
in is a little bonus to their salary.

>             "You'll be out of here as soon as you finish one more little test." 
> The man stated. "Just as long as you pour all your willpower and concentration 
> into it."

Dan: Are they going to make him look at one of those Magic Eye things?

>             "Good," Raiu hissed.
>             Suddenly, every nerve ending in Raiu's body was flooded with intense 
> pain.

Dan: It's kind of like watching a Pauly Shore movie, really.
Tango: It's soothing and relaxing to boot.

> Unfortunately for Rei, she could feel what he felt as well.  Raiu jerked 
> and convulsed, roaring in anger and agony.

Tango: For, when enraged, mild mannered Dr Raiu Kusanagi undergoes an amazing
transformation, becoming... The Inedible Bulk!

>             "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!"

Tsuneo: A crappy fanfic. Deal.

>             "Just the little test I told you about." The man stated.

Tsuneo: If you'd actually bothered listening, he would have told you.
Rebecca: Say, what are they testing?
Tango: The boiling point of LCL.

> "Now, try and pilot your EVA, Dark Heart."
>             Raiu focused on the heartlessness of the man's words and gripped the 
> control sticks.  He ripped them out of the control panel and kicked out with 
> both feet.

Tsuneo: I don't think that's how you pilot it.
Tango [Raiu]: But I fix everything by kicking it! How else do you reckon I got so
good with fixing EVAs.?
Dan: Er, Raiu? That was a Hammerhead Shark you just kicked.
Tango [Raiu]: I did wonder where my foot had gotten to.

> The kick cracked the plate glass shielding before Raiu. With a 
> second kick, Raiu shattered the glass and let his instincts kick in.  Without 
> warning, he jumped through the hole he'd made and painfully morphed into his 
> gargoyle form.

Rebecca: Stone by day, self-righteous tools by night...

> Raiu flew down to the window separating the testing tubes from 
> the control room.  With a single kick, he broke through the glass, then dove 
> through.  Raiu landed on his feet and faced the man.

Dan [Man]: Um... She did it!

>             "You ever do that to me again," Raiu snarled, "and I will destroy 
> you."
>             "How did you do that?!" the woman asked.

Dan [Raiu]: I simply sent an inverted tetryon pulse through the main deflector
array to re-align the subspace harmonics of the dilithium maitrix. Anyone
can do it.

>             "You infused us both with Angel DNA.  Specifically, that of Runarak 
> Dion.

Tsuneo: That's nice [Pause] Who the heck is Runurak Dion?

> We have many powers and abilities you can not even begin to comprehend.  

Tango [Raiu]: I can transmute my own body weight in cream cheese once per day.

> However, I somehow absorbed Evangelion DNA when you used the pain simulation.  

Rebecca: Wow. I didn't know that DNA was transmittable.
Tango: I got a bad case of DNA from being bitten by an Aardvark once.

> The pain stimulation fused my human and Angel DNA strands, allowing me to become 
> a smaller, more human version of our dragon forms."
>             "Dragon form?" the man asked.

Tsuneo: You mean you created them and you don't know what they can do?
Rebecca: These two are sure fire winners for this year's Mad Science awards.

>             Raiu sighed and back flipped

Dan: Chiko roll, crazy date, crazy date, party date, Dutch wink, closes the door
and into...
All: Flatbag.

> out of the hole he'd made, disappearing 
> from the two doctors' sight.  Rei felt a strange tingling sensation pass through 
> Raiu's body as he morphed into Ragnarock.

Tango: It was strangely refreshing.

> The dragon raised his head just 
> enough to look down at the two scientists once he landed.

Dan [Raiu]: I'm huge!

> They looked up at him 
> in shock and fear before the memory faded with Raiu's voice.

Rebecca [Woman]: Well, what do we do now?
Tsuneo [Man]: Do you have a magic sword on you?
Rebecca [Woman]: Ah... no.
Tsuneo [Man]: We're stuffed.

>             "You can not tell anyone about this, though.

Dan: What about anyone else who was watching the experiment?
Tsuneo: There weren't any others. This whole huge subterranean research
facility employs only two people.

> If someone were to 
> find out about it, we would be used as mere weapons.

Tsuneo: It would be a pain to become someone else's tool.
Rebecca: Raiu's enough of a tool as he is.

> I seriously doubt you went 
> through giving us sentience just to let us be made into weapons."

Tsuneo [Man]: We didn't? Oh, yes, I mean we didn't.
Dan: Somehow obedience and humility got lost in the mix.
 
>             FLASH

[They all cover their eyes]
Dan: I'm going to be seeing spots for weeks.
 
>             This time, Raiu was walking down a hallway, thinking about how 
> boring the laboratory was.

Dan: There's no beakers with bubbling green liquids, no Jacob's Ladders, no
flashing red lights... just, science stuff.

> Rei saw grey walls, a white floor, and a ceiling 

Rebecca: Raiu's life is in monochrome.
Tsuneo: Looking at him, I could believe that.

> that was nothing but lights.  Rei heard a voice coming from one of the many 
> doors Raiu walked past.  Raiu walked over to the door and pressed his ear 
> against it.

Dan: Listen very carefully, for this is the plot.

>             "Yes." A gravelly male voice said. "They are performing better than 
> expected."

Rebecca: So they're working for Dr Claw?
Tsuneo: Raiu was created by MAD. That makes sense, actually.

>             The man paused for a moment, listening.
>             "No, they are not ready yet.  Trust me. They will be the perfect 

Tango: They'll also be three dollars off if not delivered in the next hour.

> war machines when I'm through with them.

Dan: Not only are they capable of both surgical precision and mass destruction,
but they also are self-cleaning.

> Once their training is done, I will perform a mind wipe on both of them."

Tango: This will require delicate surgery. I've got the chainsaw!

>             Again, he paused to listen.
>             "No, it will not make them forget their training.  All it will do is 
> delete their personalities and free will.

Tsuneo: Kind of like what Raiu does to the rest of the cast, then?

> They will be mindless drones with the 
> training to defeat any known EVA pilot."

Rebecca: And if that doesn't work out, they'll be perfectly qualified as accountants.
Tango: Yeah, but can he beat DJ Croft?
Tsuneo: I'm guessing that this guy is reporting to Keel Lorenz or something.
Dan: Does that mean we get the return of Dr Evil? Cool.

>             Another pause.
>             "No, that's not all they can do.

Dan: They can recalculate relativity! They can split the atom! They can make good
cafeteria lunches!

> I've been told that they have the 
> ability to change shape at will, thanks to the Angel DNA infused in them.

Tsuneo: I'd love to know why a half-angel like Rei can't do this.
Rebecca: They used the DNA from a wuss angel like Adam, who could only cause
Second Impact.

> Dark Heart can become a black dragon and a smaller dragon like humanoid.

Dan: He also makes a divine souffl�.

> I believe the correct word for it would be gargoyle.

Tango: African or European?
Dan: That's swallows, not gargoyles.
Tango: Aren't they the same thing?

> Light can only become a white dragon, however.

Tsuneo: Say, if you used DNA from the same Angel, shouldn't they be able to
turn into the same thing?
Rebecca: Yeah, but they bleached Kea in his tube.

> They will make us a great deal of money, my friend.  We will 
> have an army of Runarak Dion clones."

Tsuneo: I still want to know who or what a Runurak Dion is.
Dan: He's the brother of Billy-Bob Dion, the angel of Rednecks.

>             Raiu jerked his head up in shock, then snarled slightly at the 
> realization that he and Kea had been betrayed.

Tango: You weren't betrayed, you were just too stupid to see the truth.

> He stood up and quickly walked 
> back to their shared room.  He saw Kea lying in bed, asleep.  Raiu walked up and 
> shook his brother awake.

Rebecca [Kea]: Uhh... football practice... uh...

>             "What now, brother?" Kea asked sleepily.
>             "Get up.  We're outta here."
>             "What?"

Dan [Raiu]: We're going to Disneyland.

>             "We're leaving before those bastards can turn us into mindless war 
> machines."

Tsuneo: Raiu's right! If anyone's going to dictate orders to mindless slaves,
it's going to be him!
Tango: Oooh! Can I be a mindless killing machine? I've been good.
Rebecca: Well, you're certainly mindless enough.
Tango: I try.

>             "Our creator wouldn't do that to us," Kea stated defensively.

Dan [Kea]: He'd at least ask us first.

>             "Bullshit." Raiu snapped. "He betrayed us.  He told the head of the 
> project about our dragon forms."

Rebecca: Actually, he didn't need to tell the guy. He just looked out the window
while Raiu was showing off.

>             "You lie!"
>             Raiu heard a strange tone in his brother's voice and saw a small 
> bandage on his shoulder when Kea sat up.

Tango [Kea]: That? That was them running some tests on me. You wanna see my scars?

>             "Is anything wrong, Kea?"
>             "No.  Why?"
>             "Well, then." Raiu pointed to the bandage on Kea's neck. "What's 
> that on your neck?"

Rebecca [Kea]: My head, you dope.
Dan [Raiu]: Oh.

>             "Oh, that?  Our creator said it was a simple heart monitor.  It had 
> to be placed under the skin."
>             "Wouldn't it make sense to place it in the chest instead of the 
> neck?"

Tsuneo: Maybe it monitors their heart rate by taking their carotid pulse. Did you
think of that, you big dope?

>             Raiu reached over and pulled the bandage from his brother's neck.  

Rebecca: Hey, shouldn't you at least ask him first?

> He then grabbed the corner of the small chip that hadn't been placed under the 
> skin and pulled it out.

Tsuneo: Wouldn't you feel pretty stupid right now f it was a heart monitor and
you'd just ripped a hole in a major artery.
Tango [Raiu]: Could you try not to bleed all over me? I just had my trenchcoat
cleaned.

> Rei felt a strange sense of loyalty to their creator 
> and the head of the project wash over Raiu and her then quickly fade away.  Raiu 
> growled and crushed the chip with his bare hands.

Rebecca: Raiu's a man because he crushes microchips with his bare hands. I'm
*so* impressed.
Tango: But can he crush beer cans against his forehead?

>             "A loyalty chip.  The bastards."

Dan: Well, I guess mind control is one way to end the Cola Wars.

>             Kea shook his head as if he'd just woken from a dream.
>             "They did what?!"

Dan [Raiu]: Neon Green, black and purple. I mean, can you believe it?

>             "Our creator betrayed us to the head of the project,

Tsuneo: The Pointy-Haired Boss?
Rebecca: So you're saying that Raiu and Kea were created by Dilbert and Alice?
Dan: That explains a lot, actually.

> who intends to turn us into mindless war machines,

Rebecca: Or, failing that, checkout operators.

> then sell us to the highest bidder."

Dan: Next item, two Dragon-Human-Angel Hybrids. What am I bid?
Rebecca: Money!
Dan: I Hear money! Any advance on money?
Tsuneo: More money!
Dan: I Hear more money! Any advance on more money?
Rebecca: Ying Tong Iddle I Po!
Dan: I Hear Ying Tong Iddle I Po! Any advance on Ying Tong Iddle I Po?
Tango: Ying Tong Iddle I Po and sixpence!
Dan: Sold!
 
>             FLASH!

All: AGH!
Rebecca: Do you mind not cutting in the middle of a scene like that?
 
>             Rei was back in her own mind for a moment.
>             "I pity that young man.

Dan: I pity da foo who messes wit Raiu! [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]
Rebecca: Dan, don't *ever* do that.

> He has lived such a strange life."

Tsuneo: Great. We've got Magic Voice back.

>             Who are you? Rei thought. Why won't you leave me alone?!

Rebecca [Voice]: Because I am the you that exists inside of you. We have
to share this crummy skull, you know.

>             "Because I care about what happens to you, Raiu, and Shinji."
>             We can take care of ourselves!  Please!  Just leave me alone!

Tango: Hey, could you keep it down up there? Some of us inner voices are
trying to sleep.

>             "Alright, Rei.  But please tell Shinji one thing for me."
>             What is it?

Rebecca [Voice]: To look both ways before crossing the street. Oh, and to
always wear clean underpants. And to brush after every meal, and...

>             "Tell him his mother still loves him and is proud of him."
>             With that, the mental voice was gone.  Rei called after it until the 
> next memory washed over her.
>             I'll tell him.  Don't worry, Mrs. Ikari.
 
Tsuneo: OK, I'll bite. Why was Yui Ikari trying to hook up Rei and Raiu?
Rebecca: Because she didn't want to end up boinking her own son.
Tsuneo: ...
Dan: You got to admit, she's got you there buddy.

>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes]
Tsuneo: Good thing that scene had a vague semblance of an end.
Rebecca: I think that Tom Dyron's "The conversation ended here" would help
about now.

>             Rei saw a control panel similar to that of a fighter jet.

Dan: Actually, it's a demonstration model from next year's Detroit Motor Show.
Those optional extras are getting way out of hand.
Tango: How many cupholders does it have?

> Raiu looked around, checking the various gauges and instruments of the cockpit.

Tsuneo [Raiu]: Say, should the little red light be flashing?

> Rei 
> probed the memory again and found out that Raiu and Kea were about to blast off 
> to return to Earth from a distant planet.  They had stowed away on a freighter 
> headed for that planet after they escaped from the compound.

Tsuneo: Say... what? Distant planet? Freighters? Since when has any of this
existed in the Evangelion universe?
Rebecca: Since there have been huge dragons, Cosplay Evangelions, people other
than NERV and SEELE with EVAs, mad scientists making angel/human hybrids for
fun, mind control chips and an angel in Gendo's head.
Tsuneo: Good point. Let's move on.

> The brothers then decided to return to earth several years later.

Dan: [Raiu] Come on, let's fly right back into the hands of people who want us dead!

> Raiu flicked a couple of switches, activating the engines of the ship.

Rebecca: Uh, Raiu? Those were the windscreen wipers.
Tango [Raiu]: I, uh, meant to do that.

>             "Engines, on." Raiu stated. "How ya doin', bro?"
>             "Not bad, man.  Let's just hope they've forgotten about us by now."
>             The launch sequence continued in silence.  Once the two star 
> fighters were out of the planet's atmosphere, they quickly activated their 
> hyper-drives.

Tango: Prepare ship... for Ludicrous Speed!
Tsuneo: That seems about right for this fic.

> Exactly thirteen seconds later, they appeared in orbit above 
> Earth.

Tango: Wow... they did go to Ludicrous speed.

> Before the twins could even get their bearings, several alien looking 
> space ships fired on them.

Rebecca: Great, they're under attack by the Psyclo and their Nose Plugs.
Dan [John Travolta]: Surrender now, or else we'll continue showing the movie!

>             "Subjects Dark Heart and Light." One of the other pilots stated. 
> "You are to surrender immediately or else.

Dan [Raiu]: Or else what?
Tango: Or else... else!

> Once you have surrendered, you are to follow us to the landing pad in grid 19A."
>             "19A?" Kea asked.
>             "Our old home." Raiu growled.

Tsuneo: Say, if he and Kea know everything from talking to someone, wouldn't
Kea know where 19A was from talking to him?
Rebecca: Consistency is way overrated.

> "Not a chance you ugly bastards!"

Tango: Damn you! Damn you and your damned nose plugs too!

>             Raiu fired a volley of photon lasers

Rebecca: Laser beams are made up of photons. Saying "photon lasers" is redundant.

> and banked away from the return 
> fire, Kea mimicking him.  What soon followed was an intense and deadly game of 
> cat and mouse.

Tango: Except it's in space, and at high speeds, and using ships that fire laser
beams at each other... It's not much like Cat and Mouse. More like Chu-Chu
Rocket, actually.

>             "AAH!" Raiu yelled several minutes later "Don't these bastards ever 
> give up?!"

Tsuneo: It's their best chance to get rid of the pair of you. Would you?

>             "'Fraid not, buddy!" Kea replied over the comm. link between the two 
> star fighters.
>             As Raiu dodged another volley of laser fire, he saw Kea's ship 
> explode in a flash of light.  Raiu heard Kea speak a single word in his mind as 
> the ship blew apart.

Tsuneo: Hey! This is the opening scene from chapter one! This means that Raiu
and Kea are the ancient astronauts. That explains... well, not much, actually.

>             "Live!"
>             "NOOO!" Raiu screamed, almost losing control of his own fighter.
>             He looked forward again and saw a sphere of energy rocketing 
> straight toward him.  Raiu and Rei had just enough time to scream before the 
> sphere hit, blowing the fighter into millions of pieces.

Tango: Well, there goes Raiu, And there, there... over there too... and there...

> All that was left was a sea of white light.
 
>             FLASH!

[They all put on cheap sunglasses]
Rebecca: I guess you get used to these after a while.
 
>             Rei awoke to a sea of light.  The first thing she noticed was a 
> being before her.  What she found the strangest to be though, was that though 
> the being was just as bright as its surroundings,

All: Focus! Focus!

> she could see it as if it were standing against a black background.

Tsuneo: That's a... truly disturbing effect, actually.

> A hand she didn't recognize reached up to rub her forehead.
>             "Where am I?"

Dan: It's an out of body experience.
Rebecca [Rei, bored]: Again?

> Rei spoke in a strange voice, then realized that she 
> hadn't even thought that. "What happened?"

Rebecca: You blew up. Sucks, doesn't it?

>             "While it may seem like a split second, 50,000 years have passed 
> since your death, Raiu."

Tango: He's a heavy sleeper.

>             Raiu?! Rei thought. I'm still living out his memories?
>             "Why was I brought here?"

Dan: Um, postal error?

>             "You have been chosen."
>             "Chosen?" Raiu asked groggily. "For what?"

Tsuneo: To have your inbox filled with e-mail Spam.

>             "To save Earth."
>             "Earth?"
>             "You would know it as Terra.  It is in grave danger.  I am one of 
> Earth's guardians.

Tsuneo: Odin?
Rebecca: Bahamut?
Dan: Alexander?
Tango: Master Tonberry!
All: DOINK!

> We have chosen you to protect Earth from future danger.  You 
> will not be alone in your fight for Earth.  It will not be the Earth you 
> remember."
>             "What happened to it?" Raiu questioned anxiously, now fully awake.

Tsuneo: Something about 50,000 years passing springs to mind.

>             "It was altered soon after your death.

Tango: It had a facelift, a boob job and re-coloured its hair.

> Something happened to Earth. 
>   All of civilization and its effects on Earth were taken with it.

Rebecca: Except for Spam. Nothing can get rid of Spam.

> Everything else was left.  Even we do not know what happened.

Tango: I blame the ancient astronauts!
Rebecca: I blame Vince Russo.

> The Earth we are sending you 
> to will be primitive in several ways compared to the one you knew. 

Tsuneo: So let me get this straight... Raiu was created by an ancient, highly
advanced society that was wiped out over 50,000 years ago... My gawd. We've
wandered into DELTA Theology!

[They all scream and panic, except for Tango]

Tango: Oh.

> We will 
> unfortunately have to block part of this memory to you.  All you will know is 
> that 50,000 years have passed.

Dan: Wouldn't it be a killer if he left a lightbulb on in his place? 50,000
years of late fines later the utility bill would be in the trillions.
Rebecca: Say, what happened to all the people living on the distant, faraway
planets? Did they get "altered" out of existence too
Tango: No, they were conquered and eaten by the Synkyn.

> You memory of this discussion may be triggered 
> by something we have no control over.

Dan: Like getting hit on the head with a very big, heavy object.
Rebecca: Can I help him get his memories back then?

> We wish you luck."

Tsuneo: Stupid question, but why tell him all this if you're just going to delete
the memory again?
Rebecca: So how precisely is he alive, and who bothered to bring him back anyway?
Dan: The Angel naming committee!
Tango: KAOS!

>             FLASH!

[They all cover their eyes]
Tsuneo: Hopefully that's the last of them.
 
> NERV Hospital room
 
>             Rei screamed and quickly sat upright in the bed.

Rebecca [Rei]: I hate this place.

> She felt something 
> drip down her forehead and realized she was covered in a cold sweat.  The young 
> girl raised a shaky hand to her forehead and felt it.  She jerked her hand away 
> when she felt something strange. 

Rebecca [Rei]: How long have I had a third eye?

> It had almost seemed like she could feel her brain working.

Dan: Brain Powerd! [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion]

> She calmed herself and listened.  When she didn't hear anything 
> strange, she got out of bed and looked around for her clothes.  She found them 
> lying on the bedside table and quickly dressed herself.

Rebecca: What do you know, they left her a school uniform.
Tsuneo: Well, besides that and her plugsuit, what else does she have to wear?
Dan: A lot of scanty lingerie, if Gainax promo art is to be believed.
Tsuneo: ...

> A nurse came running in 
> to check on the Rei since the monitors had signaled a break in the transmission 
> when Rei had removed the scanners.
>             "Young lady!" The nurse exclaimed. "You should be in bed, resting!"
>             "I feel fine," Rei replied flatly.

Dan: And promptly fainted.

>             "That's not up to you to decide!"
>             "So you're saying I'm not smart enough to know if I feel fine or 
> not?" Rei asked, her eyes locking gazes with the nurse's.

Rebecca: Actually, that's one of the top signs of a concussion.

>             The nurse paled slightly and backed away.  Rei ignored her and 
> packed the rest of her personal things that were in the room.

Dan [Rei]: Let's see... Toothbrush, spare pair of underpants. That appears to be it.

> She walked past the nurse and down the hall.

Tango: Security! Don't you love it? Don't you miss it?

> NERV HQ, debriefing room
 
>             Raiu leaned back in the chair and propped his feet up on the table 
> in front of him.

Tsuneo: Do you mind? We just had the cleaner in and they won't come for another
week.
Dan: [Raiu] Sorry, but I've got a reputation as a mindless jerk to maintain.

> Misato paced back and forth on the other end of the room

Rebecca [Knocks on table]: Good news, Ms Katsuragi! Its a girl!

> while Shinji and Asuka watched Raiu from adjacent seats to each other.

Tsuneo: While Maya and Hyuga are sitting on the other couch. Shinji and Maya
are closest on the corners.

> Shigeru, Maya, 
> Hyuga, and the other chief staff members sat in stunned silence.

Dan: Isn't that all the chief staff members remaining?
Tango: They don't have Barney, Otto or Pen-Pen there. I feel insulted.

>             " . . . And so, that's my story up until right after my death."

Rebecca: With the way he talks about it, you'd think he was Superman or Optimus
Prime.

>             "Then you crashed to Earth as Ragnarock,"

Tango: Ragnarock and Roll, baby!
Dan [Raiu]: Yeah, I messed up on the final approach. My bad.

> a voice spoke from the 
> doorway, "met Shinji and I, then changed to human, and volunteered for a job 
> here at NERV.

Tango: Regrettably, they lost his application. He had to settle for being an office
junior at Nergal.

> How long have I been out?"

Rebecca [Rei]: Six months.
Dan [Raiu]: Six months to find a wallet? Did you look in the cupboard?
Rebecca [Rei]: In the cupboard? I thought you said New Zealand.
Dan [Raiu]: Did I say New Zealand?

>             "Exactly." Raiu replied warmly.

Rebecca: Warmly? Raiu?
Tsuneo: Superior, but in a condescending way.

> "I'm glad you're out already, Rei.  
> You've been in a coma for about three days.  I'd expected it to take longer."
>             "Rei?!" The others exclaimed.
>             Raiu stood up as Rei entered the room.  The two teens hugged for a 
> few moments before sitting down next to each other.

Dan [Raiu]: Mum, dad, this is Rei.
Tango & Tsuneo: Hi, Rei.
Dan [Raiu]: Say Hi to my parents.
Rebecca [Rei]: Wrstflx.

> Misato just stared slack-jawed at the two.
>             "Shouldn't you be resting, Rei?!  And aren't you concerned with her 
> health, Raiu?  If you're human at all."

Tsuneo [Raiu]: Actually, I think I'm a bit human in here somewhere... About three
eights or so.

>             "She's out of the hospital because the heart has finished its 
> primary task and she feels fine."

Tsuneo: Isn't a heart's primary task to pump blood? So if it's finished its
primary task, shouldn't she be dead or something?
Rebecca: You're thinking again, Tsuneo.
Tsuneo: Sorry.

> Raiu stated before Rei could answer, 
> surprising her. "As for being concerned with her health.  Yes, I am.  But, I 
> know that she's fine."
>             "How?" Shinji asked.

Tango [Raiu]: I've got the hospital report right here... Let's see... "Subject has
no heartbeat and does not breathe. Subject also has displayed a notably green
pallor and eats brains." Wait a second...

>             In response, Raiu tapped his chest, just over his heart.

Dan: Let's see... Movie title... two words... first word... big... flappy...
fiery... winged... dragony thing....

>             "When I gave her half of my heart, it linked us together.  We have 
> complete access to each other's memories,

Rebecca: For a real laugh, take a look at her first meeting with Shinji at her place.

> we can tell how well the other is, etc."

Tsuneo: And thee ripping-off of Dragonheart is complete. Thankyou.
Tango: But there's no Sean Connery!

>             "And how do you know all this?" Maya inquired.
>             "Because, I'm able to do that.

Tsuneo [Raiu]: And I'm the Authour Avatar, and my word is law!

> And I'm sure Rei is as well.  Right, Rei?"
>             "Yes . . ." the young girl replied hesitantly.
>             "I'm sorry you had to see some of those memories, Rei.

Rebecca: Someone apologising for showing people their baby photos? Will miracles
never cease?

> They're 
> painful enough to me, let alone someone else.  A few of them I wouldn't wish on 
> anybody."

Tango: He's never going to get over what happened to him at the Senior Prom.

>             Rei looked at Raiu in surprise, only to see him smirking at her and 
> the others.
>             "Limited telepathy," Raiu explained.
>             "You can also read my mind, but only with my permission." Raiu 
> stated in her mind. "And vice versa."

Rebecca [Rei]: In which case, shove off.

>             "A few of these abilities I share with Kea, but not many."

Dan: Speaking of which, where is Raiu's better half?
Tango: Ssh, he hasn't finished showing off.

>             "You once asked me if I felt complete." Re said to Raiu 
> telepathically. "I didn't then, but I do now.  Because I'm with you."

Tsuneo: She's emotionally dependant on this overbearing, self-centred Jerk. Its
touching.
Tango: She's complete now because Raiu found part 37. Turns out he'd accidentally
glued it to himself.

>             "I didn't think it was possible to function with only half of a 
> heart," Hyuga mused.
>             "Like I said, the two halves grew into two whole hearts.

Rebecca: Um, speaking of which, what's happened to Rei's original heart? Is it
still in there or what?

> Our regenerative abilities are astounding.

Rebecca: I bet you couldn't survive getting your skeleton ripped out of you.
Tsuneo: Don't bet on it.

> You saw how quickly my wounds healed and 
> how Kea survived getting his small intestines blown out his back."

Dan [Kea]: How can you use my intestines for a gift?

>             "Huh?" half of the assembled staff members grunted.

Tsuneo: Come on guys, pay attention. He's expositing!

>             "Oh, come on!" Raiu exclaimed. "Do I have to spell it out for you?!  
> Kea and I are brothers.  I have only one brother.  Ragnarock and Ahnahk are 
> brothers.  I am Ragnarock.  Think about it for a second!  If you can't figure it 
> out, you don't even deserve a job flippin' burgers at a fast-food joint."

Rebecca: After appearing in this fic, that'd be a promotion.
Tsuneo: They can't think for themselves, remember? You have to do everything for them.
Tango: I used to have a job as a burger store cook. Then I got promoted to special forces.
Then I got promoted to checkout operator.

>             This time it was Rei's turn to smirk as the group realized what he 
> was talking about.
>             "Speaking of Kea," Rei said, "what happened to him?"

Dan: Oh, you mean the big white dragon you left alone and unattended in an open shaft?
Rebecca: Last we saw, he was preparing his float and costume for the Sydney Mardi Gras.
Tsuneo: I should get angry at you for that, but I'm beyond caring.

>             Misato grew visibly pale and nervous at that question.
>             "Um, well, you see . . ."
>             "What condition was he in when you last checked on him?" Raiu asked. 
> "And when did you last check on him?"

Dan: Well, when we last checked him, he'd gotten all his organs back, save for his
pancreas.
Tango [Kea]: Stupid thing, never did me any good.
Tsuneo: I think you're direly underestimating the value of the pancreas, little buddy.

>             "He'd stopped bleeding around 8:00 this morning, although he was 
> still pretty messed up."

Rebecca: He couldn't do anything with his hair.

>             "Twelve hours . . ." Rei stated softly.
>             "Where is he?" Raiu hissed.
>             "Holding cell 938," Misato stammered.
>             Before anybody could even blink, Raiu was running down the hall.  
> Rei took off after him, shocking everyone with her speed.

Dan: You think that's shocking, wait for her urine tests.
Tsuneo: Ms Ayanami, NASA was wondering if they could have more of it. They think
it could be used as rocket fuel.

> Holding cell 938
 
>             The guard's walkie-talkie crackled to life, startling the dozing 
> officer.

Dan: Huh... Yes sir, reporting for duty sir... [Snores]

> He quickly raised the device, only to feel his skin begin burning as 
> his blood literally boiled.  His flesh liquefied and fell to the floor as the 
> door behind him shuddered.  Raiu arrived to see the smoking skeleton fall to the 
> ground.

Dan: Alas poor Ensign Throwaway. I knew him well.
Tsuneo: Okay, I'll bite. How'd that happen?
Tango: He ordered the super combo platter from a cheap Mexican joint.

> He felt someone come to an abrupt stop behind him and turned around.  
> He jumped slightly when he saw Rei.
>             "I didn't know you could run as fast as I could."

Rebecca [Rei]: I can't. I took the train.

>             The heart must have done more than just heal her, Raiu thought.

Tango: Oh oh, she caught DNA from him!

>             "Neither did I." Rei stated. "Where's the guard?"
>             Raiu grimaced and moved over to show Rei the melted corpse.

Dan: Oh yeah, that's a gib.
Tango: Someone 0wn}{zrd him.
Tsuneo: Tango, could you please not do that?

>             "Oh my God!" Rei breathed, covering her mouth.
>             She turned away to keep from vomiting.  Raiu smelled smoke and 
> looked around.  He saw a pin head sized hole in the cell door.

Dan [Raiu]: Of course! Kea slipped out through this hole!
Rebecca [Rei]: Uh, Raiu? It's way too small.
Dan [Raiu]: Look, who's the expert on him around here, you or me?
Rebecca [Rei, sighing]: You.
Dan [Raiu]: So If I say he burnt a hole out through the door and then escaped
through it, I've got to be right.
Rebecca [Rei, bored]: Yes, you're always right.
Dan [Raiu]: Naturally.

> He looked down to see a tiny red point of light on his shoulder,

Rebecca: Don't you hate it when there's some idiot in the audience with a laser
pointer?
Tango: Better a laser pointer than a laser sight.

> smoke rising from where it 
> touched his trench coat. Raiu cursed and side stepped out of the way quickly.  
> He hugged Rei close and turned his back toward the cell just before the door 
> exploded outward with the force of several hand grenades.

Dan: Well I wasn't expecting that to happen.
Rebecca: What do you know... He made C4 out of primitive materials found in
his cell. That Kea's smarter than he looks.

> As the smoke faded, 
> Raiu released Rei and turned to face the door again.  The young couple saw a 
> figure step through the remains of the door and walk toward them slowly.

Dan: It's Goldberg and he is WALKING!
Rebecca: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. 489-0
Tsuneo: No more DDT Digest for you guys.
Dan & Rebecca: Awwww...

>             "It seems you lost, brother." Kea sneered. "You failed to kill me 
> when you had the chance and now you will pay for it."
>             "Sorry," Raiu hissed, "but I consider saving someone more important 
> than ending your pitiful existence."

Tango [Kea]: Come on, kill me.
Dan [Raiu]: No.
Tango [Kea]: Oh, please?
Dan [Raiu]: No.

>             "Well, if Tcharka did his job right, then Rei is dead.

Rebecca: Now there's a stock villain mistake. Never leave the disposal of heroes
or their love interests to your underlings. About now, Rei steps out from behind
Raiu, says that she's very much alive and shoots Kea.

> When you 
> sent that red EVA away with Rei's Entry Plug, it gave Tcharka the perfect chance 
> to kill your wench."
>             "Tcharka would be the Angel that was living inside Gendo, correct?"

Tango: Actually, he only had Gendo on Time-Share.

>             "Yes."
>             "He's dead."

Tsuneo [Kea]: Damn. Well that ruins that plan. [Pause] I'll, ah, have to think
of something else now... Yeah, really stuffed that one up.

>             Before Kea could respond, Rei spoke.

Dan: Well called, Rebecca.

>             "Call me a wench again, Kea," Rei growled, "and I will finish you 
> myself."

Dan [Kea]: Ooooh, I am *so* scared.
Rebecca [Rei]: Oh yeah, well I'm the Authour's pet, and you're merely his whipping
boy.
Dan [Kea]: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll be good. Do you want me to clean your shoes?
Get you a drink? Peel a grape for you?

>             Kea stopped in his tracks upon hearing her voice and backed up a few 
> steps.
>             "So, you're still alive.  No matter.  I'll kill you myself.  It 
> should be simple to wipe a puny human like you from the face of the Earth."
>             "No it won't." Raiu countered. "You can read my memories."
>             Rei realized what Raiu was doing.  Instead of just telling Kea what 
> happened, he's letting the pale teen relive it.

Tsuneo: Flashes and all.
Tango: If that wasn't bad enough, he's putting together a "best of" package for
filler next week.
Dan: Does this mean we're going to have to sit through it all again?
All: NO!

> The couple could see Kea's look 
> of shock as the rest of the smoke faded.  The look quickly changed to one of 
> rage.
>             "You BASTARD!!" Kea yelled. "You made her one of us!

Rebecca: Well, actually, she already was an angel-human hybrid...
Tsuneo [Kea, camp]: Now I'm really cross indeed.

> Now I will ensure that your deaths will be slow and excruciatingly painful!"

Dan: Since Kea's proven to be totally ineffectual every single fight so far, that
just ain't a credible threat.
Tsuneo: Oh, so he's going to make them read the fic too?

>             Rei heard a rustling from beside her and was startled to see Raiu in 
> his gargoyle form so quickly.
>             "I doubt you'll be able to do that, brother."

Rebecca: Why not? If he can disintegrate a guard through a doorway in his human
form, why can't he fight Raiu like this?
Tsuneo: Because Raiu's better, remember? Kea is only there to get beat up by him
and make him look good.
Rebecca: Kea is the Shawn Stasiak to Raiu's Kevin Nash, "Hard love" overtones
and all.

>             "Who says I'm going to do it now?  I'll give you two lovebirds a 
> little more time, then crush you like the bugs you are."

Tango [Kea]: And then I will rule the world! Muahahahahahahaha! [Puts a pinky to
his lips]

>             Kea's laughing form faded from sight as he teleported away.

Tsuneo: Oh, so he can teleport too? Is there anything the Wonder Twins here
can't do?
Rebecca: Program in COBOL.
Dan: Set the timers on their VCRs.
Tango: Decline in Latin.
Tsuneo: Actually, if he could Teleport then I suppose that Kea could have just
teleported out of the cell and not let anyone know that he'd escaped until they
checked... but never mind.

> Raiu returned to his human form and looked at Rei.
>             "Don't worry.  We'll be ready for him."

Dan: Because we have the unholy power of Cosplay!

>             "I know." Rei replied. "I can feel it."
>             "Let's get back to the others."
 
> EVA docking bay

All except Tango: Oooh... Ah...
Tango: It's only a model.
 
>             "Why are we here?" Asuka asked impatiently.

Dan: Fourty-Two.
Tsuneo: "Why are we here?" "Fourty-two." Naaah, doesn't fit.

>             "To upgrade EVA-01," Raiu replied flatly, typing commands into the 
> terminal.
>             "Why?"
>             "We'll need as much firepower as possible to fight Kea and the 
> forces he'll be bringing back with him."

Tango: He's going to come back with the most powerful Robeast yet!

>             "How would you know that?" Misato inquired.
>             "Like I said earlier, Kea and I have a link similar to mine and 
> Rei's, but weaker."

Dan: And, well, it's the logical thing to do, actually.

>             Shinji got into his Plug suit and ran back down the hall to the 
> docking bay.  He headed for EVA-01 when Raiu's voice over the loudspeakers and 
> Rei approaching him stopped him.

Tango: Hold it right there Mister, you're not going anywhere. Now step away from
the Evangelion slowly.

>             "Let me finish downloading this last command string, Shinji." Raiu 
> stated.

Rebecca: Format... c:\

> "Then you can hop in the EVA."
>             "Shinji." Rei began. "I have something to tell you.

Rebecca [Rei]: I'm suing for Sexual Harassment. I'll see you in court.

> When I was 
> unconscious and for some time before that, someone was speaking to me 
> telepathically.  I didn't know who it was until it was too late.

Dan: Wow. How stoned would you have to be not to recognise your own voice?

> I snapped at her and she no longer speaks to me.

Tsuneo: Now she's got her own talkback radio show.
Rebecca [Yui]: And our next caller is Bob. What's on your mind, Bob?
Dan: Well, I think it's pretty terrible the way that there's so many
people on benefits leeching off the system and having good, hard working
taxpayers like us support their lazy ways.
Rebecca [Yui]: Well, I agree that it is pretty bad. But don't worry, Bob,
once Third Impact occurs and humanity transcends its boundaries, we will
have no need for traditional values systems. Thus, there won't be any
welfare cheats.
Dan: Well, um, thanks, Dr Ikari. I think.

> Before she left though, your mother said to 
> say she still loves you and is proud of you."

Rebecca [Rei]: She also said that she's worried about the people you're hanging
around with.

>             Shinji looked shocked for a moment before his expression softened.
>             "Thank you, Rei.  I won't ask anything else.  But, thank you."
>             Back in the control room, Misato impatiently watched Raiu work.

Tsuneo [Misato]: Can I have a go, huh, huh, can I, please?
Dan [Raiu]: Wait your turn. It'll be finished soon.

>             "What about Rei?" Misato asked suddenly. "Are we going to rebuild 
> EVA-00?"

Rebecca: Wasn't it dissolved last chapter?
Tsuneo: Yes, and remember that before that, it blew up in episode 23.
Rebecca: Of course. I expect they can just get a new one from the Floating Island Supply 
Company.

>             "That's Rei's decision," Raiu responded.
>             All eyes turned toward Rei, who had just come back in and shifted 
> uncomfortably due to the attention.

Rebecca [Rei]: What? I haven't caused third impact, so why is everyone staring
at me?

> Raiu entered one last command

Tango: CLS.

> then turned to her as well.
>             "Well, Rei." He began. "It's up to you.  We can rebuild EVA-00, or . 
> . ."
>             "Or what?"

Rebecca: Or we don't!

>             Raiu sighed heavily before answering.
>             "We can wait to see if the heart changes you enough to let you morph 
> like I do."

Tsuneo: That does it. Rei officially qualifies as an Authours Pet.

>             "What?!" The adults exclaimed in unison.
>             "It might happen." Raiu said quickly. "I'm not sure.  You all saw 
> how fast Rei ran earlier.  That might be the extent of the changes, or it could 
> add in EVA and Angel DNA.

Tsuneo: Well, she already does have Angel DNA in her system. She is half-angel, you
know...
Tango: Well, now she's half angel, half human and half angel.

> If it goes that far, she'll have an alternate form 
> and a hybrid form.  Just like me."

Rebecca: Actually, that would make her half angel, half human, half angel and half
Evangelion... Which means half angel, half human, half angel, one quater human and
one quater angel.
Dan: There's an awful lot of her to go around.

>             Rei looked at Raiu in shock and fear.  He sighed and shook his head.
>             "It was either this or death, Rei."
>             "I know, but still . . . Its sorta freaky."

Tsuneo: Rei is saying that something is freaky?
Rebecca: Yeah, to her being an angel/human hybrid clone of Shinji's mother,
piloting a giant techno-organic construct with a copy of her own soul inside it,
being one of a whole tankful of twins and having the power to cause Third Impact
is considered to be, well, a trifle dull.

>             As Shinji sat down in EVA-01's Entry Plug, Raiu pressed a button at 
> his terminal and the plate glass windows retracted.  The teen smirked at the 
> group and dove out an opening window.  The others reflexively ran forward to see 
> if he was okay, but stopped short when they saw him flying toward the launch 
> tube in his gargoyle form. EVA-01 followed him, but had to wait for the lift to 
> send him up.

Dan [Shinji]: This thing takes forever to come.

>             "Um, I just thought of something," Hyuga stated.
>             "What?" Shigeru asked.

Tango [Aoba]: If Charlton Heston doesn't eat Soylent Green, what will he eat?
Dan: Hey! Aoba's getting a line!

>             "With Gendo dead, Dr. Akagi in jail, and Fuyutsuki missing, who's in 
> charge?"

Tsuneo: Well, now that we know that Gendo was evil and possessed, you could
countermand his orders and let Ritsuko out...
Dan [Aoba]: And I got another line! Isn't it cool?
Rebecca: Quit padding your part, Aoba.
Dan [Aoba]: Sorry.

>             The group sat in stunned silence for a few moments.  Then Maya spoke 
> up.

Dan [Maya]: Anyone here got any beer? I could kill for a drink about now.

>             "I nominate Misato.  After all, she is the highest-ranking person 
> here."

Tango: I nominate the giant pink bunny people!
Rebecca: I thought they just did.

>             Everyone else readily agreed, although Misato's agreement was a 
> little more hesitant.

Tsuneo: So they've made Misato head of NERV. Help.
Rebecca: It's not too hard. All she has to do is agree with everything Raiu says.
Dan [Raiu]: I want to rebuild all the EVAs with banana peels for armour.
Rebecca [Misato]: Okay.
Dan [Raiu]: And I want my own, personal, solid gold toilet.
Rebecca [Misato]: Sure thing.
Dan [Raiu]: And I want a two hundred meter tall statue of myself put up in the middle
of Tokyo.
Rebecca [Misato]: You got it.
Tango: And I want peace on earth and goodwill to all men.
Rebecca: Now you're just being silly.

>             "Oh, Misato!" Asuka called to the older woman in a singsong voice. 
> "With you in charge now, you can't be getting drunk like you used to!"

Tsuneo: Because as we all know, Misato is drunk all day, every day.

>             A shocked look crossed Misato's face before being replaced by anger.
>             "Dammit!"
 
> Surface
 
>             When EVA-01 stepped off the lift, Shinji saw Ragnarock waiting for 
> him.

Dan [Shinji]: GAH! Don't do that!

>             "What are you doing - oh, yeah.  Sorry Ragnarock.  I forgot."
>             Ragnarock grinned and shook his head slightly.
>             "Just call me Raiu from now on," the dragon stated in Raiu's voice, 
> "whatever form I'm in.  I was just using the name Ragnarock as a cover.

Tsuneo: That's so they wouldn't know which huge black dragon in boardshorts he is.

> Now, to see if we can pump you up to 500% Sincro."

Rebecca: Let him drink beer with Tom for an hour and get him to start swearing,
and he'll be able to do it in no time.

>             Without warning, Raiu charged Shinji.  The EVA pilot barely had time 
> to activate his prog knife to block the slash.  EVA-01 jumped backwards

Tango: -Into a tree!
Tsuneo: It's 200 feet tall!
Tango: It's a very, very big tree.

> and 
> kicked at Raiu, trying to force him farther away.  Raiu laughed, grabbed the 
> titan's foot, and slammed it to the ground.

Rebecca: So... At last we get the confrontation between Raiu and Shin boy, and Shinji
gets the smack laid down on him. Why am I not surprised?
Dan: Raiu booked the fight.

> Shinji tried a leg sweep, but Raiu 
> merely jumped over his feet.  The EVA stood up and backed away, putting distance 
> between the two fighters.

Tsuneo: Isn't it about now that you try shooting him?
Rebecca: Hey yeah... EVA-01 now has a megaweapon in its chest. He can use that.

>             "Scan!" Raiu called out.
>             "SINCRO RATE: 150%," EVA-01's computer stated.

Tsuneo: I didn't know EVA-01 had an onboard computer.
Tango: Actually, there's a little Elf in the head that reports everything. I read
it on the internet, so it must be true!

>             "Hmmm.  Not too bad for starting off."

Dan: Yeah, but Tom can do better.

>             Raiu leapt into the air and flew out of Shinji's range of sight, 
> which was drastically reduced due to the evening sky.

Tsuneo: Hey, anyone down there in NERV got a radar handy?
Rebecca: I bet he doesn't show up on Radar either.
Tsuneo: Probably not, no.

> Shinji spun around, 
> expecting an attack from any side.  Much to the pilot's chagrin, Raiu struck 
> from above.

Tango: Death from above! Muahahahahahaha!

> The dragon dove down and kicked EVA-01 in the back, knocking the 
> living robot to the ground.

Tsuneo: Hey, I hope they're not fighting in a densely populated area.
Tango: Don't worry about it! They're all Zero-level NPCs leading their boring
Zero-level lives.

> Raiu landed near him and waited for the EVA to 
> stand.  Shinji painfully forced EVA-01 to rise and face Raiu.
>             "That . . . hurt."

All: Well, duh!

>             "I'd assume so.  I'm fighting as ruthlessly as Kea would to show you 
> what he's like.

Tsuneo: Then, pardon me for saying this, why did you let him get up? I'm sure that
Kea would have no problems with blasting a downed opponent.
Rebecca: But remember, Kea's also a stupid villain. He'd probably use it as a
gloating moment.

> You'll need the preparation for our next encounter with him."

Tango: Did you know that you have a 5% chance of encountering Kea every turn in an
Urban environment?
Dan: Really? What other sort of wandering monsters do you get on that table.
Tango: Slayers Characters, Author Avatars, Ranma Cameos, Blowanalltohel and Kenskue.

>             Raiu waited a few moments before speaking.
>             "Scan!" Raiu barked again.
>             "SINCRO RATE: 155%."

Tsuneo: The green light is flashing green!

>             After Shinji had caught his breath, Raiu attacked again.  This time, 
> he lashed out with his arm blades.  Shinji blocked the attack with his prog 
> knife and kicked Raiu in the stomach.

Rebecca [Shinji]: Take that, you really, really, nasty person.
Dan [Raiu]: That's good. Work with your aggression. Use me as a focus.
Rebecca [Shinji]: Really? DIE FREAK DIE! BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!
Tango [Raiu]: Your attitude angers me. Now let's sit down and sort out our differences
like civilised human beings... er.. dragons... er... something.

> Shinji cried out in pain at the feeling 
> of having just kicked a brick wall with his own foot.  Raiu backed of and 
> growled to himself.

Dan [Raiu]: Ha! Pecs of steel, baby!

>             "Damn, forgot to relax my muscles more.  Sorry Shinji."

Tsuneo: ...And rock hard abs to boot. What else does this guy have in store?
Dan: A lifetime subscription to Playlizard?
Rebecca: Gendo's gold card?
Tango: A creamy nougat filling?

>             Raiu waited for Shinji to say he was ready before attacking again.  
> The black dragon ran forward, ready to slash into EVA-01.  Unit-01 crouched and 
> met Raiu's charge, trying to tackle the dragon at the waist.

Dan: Spear! Spear!
Rebecca: This is beginning to look like a Goldberg match, actually.

> Raiu snapped his 
> knee up, connecting with the EVA's chest, and sending it flying for several city 
> blocks.

Dan: I sure hope there was no one in those buildings.
Tango: At least no one we know or care about.
 
> EVA control room
 
>             "What the hell is Raiu doing?!" Asuka yelled.

Tsuneo: I'd say that he's beating the crap out of Shinji, but I could be mistaken.

>             "Remember how he tricked you into attacking him to raise your Sincro 
> Rate?" Rei asked. "He's doing the same thing to Shinji while training him."
>             "Well, it looks like he's trying to kill Shinji to me!"

Rebecca: Actually, he is Asuka. He wants you and Rei all to himself.

> Outskirts
 
>             "Scan!"

Tsuneo: Plot credibility is down to 4%. My ego shield has stabilised at 15%, and
enthusiasm is up to 62%
Rebecca: Your enthusiasm's jumped since last time.
Tsuneo: There was a new Megatokyo strip this morning.

>             "SINCRO RATE: 225%," EVA-01's computer droned.

Dan [Computer]: Boring... Boring boring boring... Get the crap beat out of me...
Boring!

>             "Still not advancing fast enough." Raiu growled.

Tsuneo [Shinji]: Sorry! It takes me time to achieve the impossible!
Dan [Raiu]: That's not good enough!

> "Shinji, activate your comm. link to the control room."

Dan: Raiu wants to order a pizza.
Tango: Get extra Tiberium crystals! I love those!

>             The two opponents rested while Shinji patched brought up an audio 
> link to the base.
>             "Asuka, get out here and protect your boyfriend.  You both need the 
> training and Shinji is getting his ass kicked."

Rebecca [Asuka]: What?! You dare attack the Great Asuka's boyfriend?! WA-TAK!
Dan [Raiu]: Ha! I got you to admit it!
Rebecca [Asuka]: WA-TAK! Again!

>             Siron came running on to the scene several seconds later and stopped 
> by EVA-01.

Dan [Shinji]: Who are you?
Rebecca [Asuka]: I'm Eva-Girl!
Dan [Shinji]: Eva-Girl? Isn't that a little sexist? How about Eva-Person?

>             "That was fast."

Rebecca [Asuka]: Are you implying something?
Dan [Raiu]: Nothing, I'm just saying that you were quick, that's all.

>             "I was getting in Siron as Shinji activated the audio link," Asuka 
> replied smugly.

Tsuneo: Any reason why?
Dan: Maybe she wanted to come up there and kick the crap out of Raiu for herself?
Tsuneo: Works for me.

>             "Alrighty then.  Defend yourself."
>             Raiu charged Siron and would have knocked her to the ground if she 
> hadn't jumped out of the way.

Tsuneo: Well... obviously.
Dan: This fight scene makes no sense.

> Siron fired her sonic disrupters at Raiu.  The 
> dragon merely batted the waves aside as if they were fleas.

Tsuneo: Um, how do you bat aside sonic waves anyway?
Rebecca: Tsuneo, what have I said about thinking about these things?
Tsuneo: Aaaargh.

> Siron froze in 
> shock then fired a sonic boom at the black dragon.  The blast hit him, knocking 
> him back a step or two, and stunning him slightly.

Tsuneo: At last! Someone's' managed to actually do something against Raiu!

> Raiu quickly recovered

Tsuneo: Never mind.
Tango: He just haxored himself a few more heal potionz.

> and 
> fired a burst of lasers at Siron, blasting holes in her shoulder pads and shin 
> guards.

Rebecca: Um... Weren't you aiming to improve them, not kill them?
Tango [Raiu]: Oh yeah... Sorry about that. I hope you get better from being... um...
dead... oh. Oops. Sorry.

> He stepped up to her and roundhouse kicked her, sending her flying for 
> several hundred yards.

Rebecca [Asuka]: I can flyyyyyyy....

>             "I though you said I was four times as powerful as an EVA," Siron 
> stated as she slowly stood up.
>             "I did.  But I never said how powerful I am in this form."

Tsuneo: He has the power of 1000 men!
Tango: Does he have the power to run Windows 2000?

>             "Crap," Siron swore before attacking Raiu again.
>             This time, Raiu went for no holds barred

Rebecca: The No Holds Barred Job To Feed Tom's Ego contest?
Tsuneo: So what was he doing earlier when he shot Asuka? Playing around?

> and began beating the shit out of Siron.

Dan [JR]: Mah gawd! Look at the carnage in the ring!

> He slammed his knee into her stomach, elbowed her in the spine as 
> she doubled over, and then kicked her in the side, almost cracking the armor.

Tango [Raiu]: And remember! It's a good pain! Pain is your friend!

>             "Stop it!" Shinji shouted from within EVA-01.
>             "Make me," Raiu growled before sending a telepathic message to Rei.

Rebecca [Rei]: I'm sorry, but Rei's not in her skull at the moment. If you'd like
to leave a name and contact number after the ton, she, or the she that exists inside
of her, will get back to you as soon as possible.

>             "Don't worry.  I'll stop before I seriously injure her

Tsuneo: Oh, only when she's seriously injured? Your compassion is amazing.

> or Shinji stops me.

Tsuneo: Which, with the abilities you claim to have, will never happen.

> Tell the others, but not Shinji and Asuka."
>             Raiu picked up Siron and slammed her to the ground rather cruelly.

Tango: But he hasn't found the Super Secret Hidden Pink Egg yet!
[They all stare at Tango]
Tsuneo: That's whacked, even by your standards.

>             "I said, STOP IT!!" Shinji almost roared.
>             "Again, make me!  You think Kea will go easy on you and just stop 
> when you ask him to?

Dan [Shinji]: No, he'll stop when you ask him to.
Tsuneo [Raiu]: Well, yeah...

> I'm holding back compared to what he would do."
>             "YOU BASTARD!!" Shinji screamed.

Tango [Shinji]: You're really, really mean!

>             EVA-01 ran at Raiu as the dragon grabbed Siron again.  The 
> Evangelion leapt into the air and came crashing down on Raiu, knocking him to 
> the ground and forcing him to drop Siron.

Rebecca: Raiu's fumbled the ball... Now Shinji takes it.... He lines up the kick...

>             "Scan!" Raiu snapped from beneath Unit-01.
>             "SINCRO RATE: 350%."
>             "Better." Raiu stated conversationally. "But not good enough."

Tango [Grimlock]: More better, but still not more better enough!

>             The dragon kicked EVA-01 off him and jumped up, landing in a 
> defensive position.  He waited for the EVAs to stand before attacking again.  He 
> lashed out with his tail and pulled Siron's feet out from under her, then 
> punched Shinji's EVA in the chest,

All: Woooo!

> forcing it back a couple steps.  The EVA 
> clutched its chest and went into berserker mode.

Dan [Shinji]: Must... Stay calm... Must not... kill... Must think... Happy
thoughts...
Tango [Raiu]: Hey Shinji, while you were out, I rearranged your sock drawer.
Dan [Shinji]: DIE DAMN YOU DIE!

> It charged Raiu and slammed 
> into him at full speed, sending both of them sprawling to the ground.

Rebecca: Damn, I've already used my quota of Goldberg jokes. Can I borrow some,
Dan?
Dan: No.
Rebecca: I'll lend you a WA-TAK for future use?
Dan: They're not even yours to give away. You borrow them off Rick anyway.
Rebecca: Awww...
Tsuneo: Besides, Rick's already over-used his stock.

> EVA-01 
> stood and was about to attack Raiu again when it started convulsing violently.

Tango: Actually, the connection suddenly started lagging badly. Shinji's not
convulsing, he's just dropping frames.
Rebecca: And I bet when it all messes up, he's going to stand around and shout
"That was a lag kill! I was typing!"

>             "About damn time." Raiu grumbled, slowly standing up. "EVA-01. 
> Download, access, and activate program Sularos.  Pass code: Hatred."

Tsuneo: Unfortunately, the password monitor had re-set his password to Gy4l1cVq.

>             EVA-01 ceased convulsing and stood up silently.

Rebecca: That's just the autopilot.
Dan: EVAs have an autopilot?
Rebecca: Oh sure. EVA-01's autopilot is an undocumented feature, just like the S2
engine and Yui's soul.

> The armor shifted 
> color to a deep emerald green and ballooned out slightly as the EVA's 
> musculature increased.

Tsuneo: I guess the EVA's on steroids.

> The chest plates and the armor on the limbs morphed to 
> resemble the armor of a knight from the pages of a history book.  The armor on 
> EVA-01's head reshaped itself into a dark purple jet pilot's helmet with a green 
> visor covering the EVA's eyes.  The armor around the mouth fell off to reveal a 
> grey skinned, human shaped lower face without the chin spike.

Dan: Well... Obviously. When was the last time you saw a human face with a chin
spike?
Tsuneo: Jay Leno?

> The gauntlet on 
> Unit-01's left arm melted and fanned out to form a deep purple shield attached 
> to its forearm.  The right shoulder-mounted blade opened up to reveal a weapon 
> hilt.

Dan: EVA-01 is now equipped with the new EVA Progressive Pointed Stick!

> EVA-01 reached up and pulled on the hilt.  As the EVA lowered its arm, a 
> blade sprang from the hilt, forming a sword that resembled that of a samurai's.  
> As the changes finalized, EVA-01 reacted much the same way as Siron did when she 
> finished her transformation.

Rebecca: Between EVA 01 being female, taking on a new male form and being controlled
by the soul of Yui Ikari, Shin-boy himself must be really messed up right now.
Tsuneo: Medieval armour, jet pilot helmet, shield and Samurai sword? Really messing
the styles, aren't we?

>             "What the hell happened?!"

Tango: Stuff!

>             "Congratulations, Shinji." Raiu stated. "You are now in control of 
> Sularos, the upgraded EVA-01."

Dan: Sularos... Wasn't that a really ancient operating system?
Rebecca: Yeah... I learnt about it in Ancient Computer History.

>             "So I'm like Siron now, right?"
>             "Yep." The dragon replied. "However, Sularos is geared more for 
> close combat than Siron is.  The samurai prog sword

Tsuneo: "Progressive Katana".
Tango: Hey, can I have a progressive Santa Hat? I've been good.

> in your right hand is almost 
> as powerful as my arm blades.  The shield on your left arm can withstand 
> anything up to my Mega Flare attack.  The body armor is only half that strong, 
> unfortunately.  You can also launch mortar shells from your left 
> shoulder-mounted blade.  They're half as powerful as an N2 mine but with a much 
> more limited blast radius.  You still have the fusion cannon.  It's about half 
> as powerful as my Mega Flare. 

Tsuneo: Notice how he's comparing everything that it can do to his own abilities, while
clearly stating how much better his is.
Rebecca: Naturally. You don't think that anyone could be as good as he is?

> Aside from your weaponry, Sularos is about five 
> times stronger than an EVA and four times as agile.

Tango: It also has an all-leather interior and a new stereo system, as well as a creamy
nougat filling.

> Unfortunately, EVA-01's 
> jets were destroyed in the transformation and I don't want to risk screwing up 
> the armor and body just to reinstall them."

[Pause]

Tsuneo: Um, voice? Where'd the rest of the chapter go?
Voice: Er, that was the end.
Tsuneo: Huh? Just like that?
Voice: Well that's all I got.
Dan: So did his brain just expire half-way through the scene or something?
Tango: That's a real pest when it happens. Take it from me.
Voice: That's... nice. But can I have your reviews, please?
Tsuneo: Define Irony. An all-powerful authour avatar who reduces existing characters to
mindless puppets doing an extended scene essentially about the fear of being reduced to
a mindless puppet. All it managed to do was highlight precisely what he was doing to
the EVA cast. They're not even recognisable as their original characters any more.
Dan: I want to know what the hell's with the lay-out of this fic. I mean, the climactic
fight is at the start, then we've got dis-jointed and badly presented scenes in the
middle, then an end which is completely unrelated to the rest of the fic, only it
doesn't even end. I mean, I'm not saying that good layout could save this fic, just
that it would make it slightly less torturous to read.
Rebecca: Raiu's powers get more and more ridiculous with each passing chapter. This
time he gained super-regenerative organs, telepathy, mind reading, cultural awareness
and being the humble servant of the Big Guy. It's passed the point where I've been
disgusted at the excesses of his powers; now he's just being silly. While Raiu himself
is still a self-centred arrogant pain, seeing what powers he's managed to contrive himself
is kind of funny.
Tango: This fic smashed my brain like a fist through jelly. Now I can't remember which 
kid I promised to give my one of a kind armageddon beam cannon capable of destroying 
the Earth in a single shot. All I can remember is that it was...was...Stewie...someone...
ah well maybe next year.
Voice: Well, um.... Thanks for that, Tango.
Tango: No problem!
Rebecca: Amazing. Dork Side just keeps on getting worse.
Tsuneo: I, for one, dread the thought of what happens next.
Tango: Well, I must be off! [He stands] I Have many more houses to visit tonight!
Tsuneo: Er, Tango, it's the morning.
Tango: Whatever [He turns to face the kitchen]
Tsuneo: Tango? The other way.
Tango: Who's wearing the Santa hat here?
Dan: Well, you are.
Tango: So I know what I'm doing.

[Tango walks into the kitchen, opens the fridge door, climbs in and shuts it after
him. The screen goes blank.]

Dan: Shouldn't we, ah, go check on him?
Rebecca: Do you really want to open that?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com), Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com)
and Twin Cannon(ausmax@ihug.com.au)

Tango is copyright 1997-2001 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon)
Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas)
Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, and
	the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot.

Rick's Mecha Madness Page:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming
	pile.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>             "Who says I'm going to do it now?  I'll give you two lovebirds a 
> little more time, then crush you like the bugs you are."