Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 118 marks three years of Elmer Studios MSTings. Already? Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion: The Dark Side is copyright raiu@northcoast.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Tsuneo and Dan enter, talking] Dan: So I got the domain name, uploaded it, set the links, did some flashy HTML, added some banners and It's all go! Tsuneo: So how's it going? Dan: I got three hits. Tsuneo: That's a little slow. [Rebecca enters] Rebecca: Three hits in the first month. Tsuneo: That's bad. Dan: How'd you know that? Rebecca: Do you know who sold you that domain name? Dan: Oh. Rebecca: I have the power to decide if you live or die. Dan: Oh joy. Tsuneo: So, uh, Rebecca, do you know who these three hits were? [The window smashes in. Tango flies in on a missile. He leaps off the missile, colliding head-first with the floor, while the missile flies out the door and explodes against the opposite wall.] Tsuneo: I think I just guessed. [Tango leaps to his feet] Tango: Greetings! Dan: ... Rebecca: Dan, meet your fanbase. Dan: Help me. Tsuneo: Somehow, I think it's fitting. Rebecca: So what do you think of the comic, Tango? Tango: Comic? Dan: You know, my Webcomic. Tango: Webcomic? Dan: You know, the one you've been reading? Tango: Oh, that one! Dan: So what do you think of it? Tango: I think it's an interesting display of post-modernist surrealism which conveys a deep message about the decay of western society and it's moral values while providing a message of optimism that you can change the world in small, yet significant ways through the medium of neo-classical dialogue and interpretive artwork. [Long silence. Long, long silence.] Dan: Wow. Tsuneo: Dan, did you write that? Dan: I just wrote three short strips with stick figures talking to each other. Rebecca: Dan, aren't you proud of your fanbase? Dan: Help me. Voice: Good morning all. Rebecca: Speaking of surreal post-modernist crap... Voice: Huh? Rebecca: Read Dan's webcomic. Tsuneo: It's a metaphysical tour de force. Dan: It is? Voice: It is? Tango: It is! Voice: Well, speaking of which, I've got the fifth chapter of Dark Side for you guys. All: Surrealist post-modernist crap. [They sit, Dan and Tango on the forwards-facing couch, Tsuneo and Rebecca on the other one. Dan and Tsuneo are closest on the corners] Dan: Anyone remember what happened last time? Tsuneo: Raiu contrived new powers and Kea got smacked down. Dan: Good enough. [The TV switches on] > Disclaimer: > The story, its original contents and ideas, and any original characters Tango: As well as fluffy bunnies. > belong > to the author and cannot be used or reprinted without the author's permission. Dan: In other words: Bite me. > All other characters belong to their respective owners. Tango: All your characters are belong to us. [Tsuneo bats him over the head with a cushion] > Genesis 1.05 > New Allies and The Phoenix Rebecca: More new characters? Hoo boy. Tsuneo: They'll only be there to prop up Raiu. You watch. > High School, Friday Tsuneo: Any particular high school? Dan: You know, just High School. Tango: It's St. Looney's Up The Cream Bun & Jam in Iowa. But what's that got to do with the story? > Rei stood before the building, Asuka and Shinji at her side. Dan: Look out school, here comes the moderately-wild bunch. > The red head turned to Rei. > "You sure you want to do this? Rebecca [Asuka]: I mean, last time the leather bought me out in a rash. Dan: [Rei] It's school. Do we have a choice? > I mean, it has been a while since you've been here. Tsuneo: What, one weekend? > Everyone will ask a lot of questions. Tango: What colour is the sky? What of donuts? Whaaaaat? > And there is only one day left in the school week." Dan: So you miss all the week's work, but still get the end of week tests? That's mean. You should do what I did. Tango: Which is? Dan: I didn't go to school. Rebecca: Dan, you just confirmed everything I always suspected about you. > "I'll be fine, Asuka." Rei assured her friend. "Besides, what could > happen?" Tsuneo: One dimensional characterisation, re-use of stock scenes and dialouge and the same few lame running jokes? Tango: In other words, exactly what we've come to expect from the Good Life! Dan: Tango, this is Dorkside. Tango: Same thing. > The trio walked through the main doors Tsuneo: The Three Musketeers? Tango: Pinky, Elmyra and The Brain? Dan: Moe, Larry & Curly? Rebecca: Pinky, Perky and Bob? > as the first bell rang and headed for their class. Tsuneo: This is so intense. > As soon as she walked through the door, Rei was greeted > by a silenced classroom of staring students. Rebecca: What's up with them? Anyone would think they've never seen an albino angel-human hybrid clone with an impossible figure before. Tsuneo: [Rei] And I thought I was the quiet one. > Asuka's angry glare swept across > the room unmatched, the other students not wanting to get into an argument with > the red headed devil girl. Rebecca [Asuka]: Bow down and worship me, you worms! Dan [Kensuke] and Tango [Toji]: We fear! We fear! Tsuneo: ... > "What's wrong with you all?" Asuka snapped. "You look like you've > seen a ghost!" Dan: It's Rei. She's often mistaken for one. Tango: That and furniture. > "Well," a student timidly began, "it's just that we heard that > EVA-00 was destroyed." > "And so you assumed that Rei died with it?" Shinji asked. Tsuneo: [Random student] It happened last time. > "Well, um -" Dan: More like hoping. They had a bet going. Tsuneo: That was cold. > "You obviously didn't hear the rest of the story." Rei spoke up, > surprising the rest of the class, who were used to her being inhumanly silent. Rebecca: Don't ruin it for me. I'm waiting for the movie adaptation. > "My Entry Plug was pulled from Unit-00 by Ragnarock as the EVA was being eaten > away at by some sort of fast acting virus." Tango: Rei, what have we told you about e-mails containing pictures of Anna Kournikova? Rebecca: I could say something about classified information, but no-one would listen. Dan: Huh? > "Who's Ragnarock?" Kensuke asked. Dan: The Norse version of the end of the world. Tsuneo: A running FF gag. Tango: A guy who lived down the street from me. > "A black dragon that has allied itself with us," Shinji replied, not > wanting to reveal their friend's identity. Tsuneo: Uh, you sure you should be saying that in front of Joe Public? > About then, the teacher walked in. Tsuneo [Deadpan]: Hilarity ensued. > NERV HQ Tango: Deep 13. > Misato sat behind the large desk, thinking to herself. Rebecca [Misato]: If I'm the boss, that means I can give myself a pay rise. Tango: And a glazed ham every month! > Things sure have changed around here. The woman thought. First, Raiu > rebuilds the EVAs, EVA-02 becomes Siron, EVA-00 is destroyed, Ragnarock reveals > that he is Raiu, kills Commander Ikari, then saves Rei by sacrificing half of > his own heart, I become Commander, and last but not least, EVA-01 becomes > Sularos. Rebecca: Joshua Marik dies and is replaced with a double, the Jade Falcons and Wolves fought resulting in a schism in the Wolves, the Capellan Confederation reclaimed half their lost worlds, the Lyran Commonwealth seceded from the commonwealth... > Misato turned on the computer and entered her password. Dan: P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. Tango: Subtle, she ain't. > The screen > blinked then began flashing the words ACCESS DENIED. She tried figuring out > Gendo's password, Tsuneo: 1-2-3-4-5. Dan: Funny, that's the same as the combination on my luggage. > then entered several override commands, each one giving her > the same result. Finally, Misato gave up and just hit the return key. To her > surprise, the main menu faded into view on the screen, Tsuneo: So Gendo's ultra-secret password to his most sensitive info is a blank? Dan: [Gendo] Even when I'm dead I don't get any credit. > giving Misato a list of three choices. > EVANGELIONS Tango: And other. > PERSONAL LOGS Dan: The keys to Gendo's private bathroom. > PROJECT § Dan: What is that symbol anyway? Tango: Oh, it's the project formerly known as Prince. Rebecca: No, it's the last, un-used Greek letter. > COMMAND >_ Tango: Format... c:\ > Misato read the choices for a moment, then entered a command > COMMAND > OPEN FILE > PERSONAL LOGS_ Rebecca: Gendo's private lemon stash. > The screen faded to black, then the second most recent log appeared. Tsuneo: Second most recent? Dan: Piro still hasn't done his rant for the day. > It was dated several weeks in the past. Dan: I guess Gendo doesn't keep his diary up to date. Rebecca: What do you know, he forgot Shinji's birthday. Again. > It was actually a message to someone else. Dan: So why's it sitting in his logs section? Rebecca: Well he was going to send it, but he got kinda tired. Conquering the world takes it out of you. Tsuneo: So you know from experience, huh? > Misato didn't understand what the coordinates meant, but knew it couldn't > be good. Tango: Actually, they're to the local pizzeria. > 19 - 11 - 2015 > MY LORD SHRIAK, Tango: I CAN'T FIND THE DAMNED CAPS LOCK KEY. > IF ALL MODERN HUMANS ARE DECIEVED AS EASILY AS GENDO IKARI, THEN I AM > DISAPPOINTED IN OUR EFFORTS TO DESTROY HUMANITY AND MERGE WITH LILLITH TO THIS > POINT. Dan: Well what do you expect? They were only using temp-angels. > THE FOOL ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WOULD HELP HIM MEET HIS DEAD MATE. Rebecca: So the angels are running a dating service now? Tsuneo: Just never ask for your money back. > SINCE MY > ARRIVAL HERE, I HAVE ELIMINATED THE SECOND IN COMMAND, SOME ELDERLY HUMAN BY THE > NAME OF FUYUTSUKI, GIVING ME ABSOLUTE CONTROL OF THE ORGANIZATION KNOWN AS NERV. Rebecca: You could keep Fuyutski and still have absolute control. > OTHER PROBLEMS HAVE ARISEN, HOWEVER. Dan [Gendo]: I can't find the little boy's room. Rebecca [Gendo]: I am being pestered by the female called Ritsuko. She apparently wants me to give her lots of "pork", and all the time. > THE ARRIVAL OF THE DARK CLOTHED PERSON > CALLED RAIU CONTINUES TO QUESTION ME. IF HE KNOWS WHO I TRULY AM, I WILL HAVE > TO ELIMINATE HIM AS WELL. Dan [Gendo]: Besides which, he gives me the shits. > HE HAS MADE OUR OPPONENTS STRONGER AND GIVEN THEM S2 > ENGINES, AS THE HUMANS CALL THEM. I MAY BE ABLE TO REMOVE HIM WITHOUT CREATING > SUSPICION TOWARD ME WHEN YOU SEND THE ONE CALLED KEA. Dan: So their master plan relied on Kea? Tsuneo: Seems that way. Dan: Man, they are so screwed. Rebecca: So is Kea. And often too. > IF HE IS TRULY SKILLED AT > EVANGELION DESIGN AND CONSTRUCTION, HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DESTROY THEM JUST AS > EASILY. Tsuneo: Fortunately, Kea wouldn't know his ass from his elbow. Rebecca: No, he knows his ass all right. It's the bit that Raiu- Tsuneo: Thank you. > The next one was dated only a few days before Gendo's death. > 4 - 1 - 2016 Dan: Things to do today: Die. > MY LORD SHRIAK, Rebecca: - Snugglebunny. > NEW PROBLEMS HAVE ARISEN. Dan [Gendo]: I can't figure out how to use my computer. It says hit any key to continue, but I can't find the any key. > TWO CREATURES HUMANS CALL DRAGONS APPEARED SHORTLY > AFTER MY LAST MESSAGE. I HAD THOUGHT THAT YOU HAD SENT THEM TO FINISH THE > EVANGELIONS OFF, BUT WHEN THEY BEGAN FIGHTING EACH OTHER, I KNEW SUCH WAS NOT > THE CASE. THE WHITE DRAGON SEEMS TO BE OUR ALLY; AS IT USED TWO OF THE > EVANGELIONS AS HOSTAGES AGAINS THE BLACK DRAGON. Tsuneo: So... He doesn't know that Kea is the white dragon... Yet Kea was working for him... These guys are so stupid! Dan: Almost as good as Invadors. > THE BLACK DRAGON ACTUALLY SAVED THE HUMAN PILOTS FROM THE WHITE DRAGON. Tango: He was well-trained. > THAT SAME DAY, KEA ARRIVED. I > KNOW I AM NOT PRIVVY TO ALL YOUR SECRETS, BUT I ASSUME THAT BOTH HE AND THE > WHITE DRAGON ARE LINKED SOMEHOW. All: NO! Tsuneo: At least it isn't just the good guys who are portrayed as blatant idiots. > AFTER THE WHITE DRAGON FLED THE BATTLE DUE TO > INJURIES, THE HUMAN PILOTS DISOBEYED ME AND HELPED THE BLACK DRAGON THAT LATER > CALLED ITSELF RAGNAROCK, A NAME THAT HAS NO MEANING TO ME. Tsuneo: And it makes no sense to us. > ONCE THE BATTLE WAS FINISHED, I HAD SOME HUMAN DRONES Dan: Otherwise known as Aoba and Hyuga. Rebecca: He sent some of the trolls from accounts. > RETRIEVE BLOOD SAMPLES FROM THE POOLS OF BLOOD > LEFT BY THE TWO DRAGONS' FIGHT. THE WHITE DRAGON'S BLOOD CONTAINED HUMAN AND > ANGEL DNA STRANDS THAT FLUCTUATED DOMINANCE OVER EACH OTHER AT WILL. Rebecca: It also contains less than 2% fat and no calories. > THE BLACK > DRAON'S BLOOD WAS ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE OUR QUEEN LILLITH'S, ALTHOUGH IT CONTAINED > HUMAN, ANGEL, AND EVANGELION DNA STRANDS. Tango: And a refreshing minty flavour. Tsuneo: So it was like Lilith, a human, Lilith and Lilith. > I DID NOT KNOW THAT EVANGELIONS HAD DNA STRANDS. All:... Dan: So how did he know it was like Eva DNA? Tango: He read it in the clue book. > SOMETHING THAT WE WILL HAVE TO LOOK INTO. Rebecca: [Gendo] WAIT A MINUTE, I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I'M THE COMMANDER AND KNOW EVERYTHING AROUND HERE! Tsuneo: Do you have to yell? Rebecca: I'm riffing in caps lock. > IT IS A LONG SHOT, BUT > IF WE CAN CLONE THE BLACK DRAGON'S DNA, WE WILL BE ABLE TO CREATE AN ARMY OF > MINDLESS DRONES TO FIGHT FOR US. Dan: Oh, so he works for the Power Plant then? > UNTIL THEN, WE WILL HAVE TO DO WITH THE > MILITIA I HAVE BEEN HIRING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF TROOPS FOR TO PROTECT MY SECRET. Rebecca: Uh, care to say that again in English? Tango: Barney and Otto! Barney and Otto! Dan: So he has an army of fat security guards working for him instead. Tsuneo: And what are they meant to do about Raiu? > Misato sat in a stupor for several minutes, digesting this > information Dan: She then had to go and hurl. > before exiting the personal logs. She entered another command at > the main menu. Dan: C:\DOS Rebecca: C:\Dos>Run Tango: Run, DOS, run. > COMMAND > OPEN FILE > PROJECT §_ Tango: I didn't know that Misato had a DOS 5 character map handy. Tsuneo [Bored]: You'd be surprised who does. > PROJECT § > REBUILDING OF EVA-03 IN JAPAN IS PROGRESSING ON SCHEDULE. All: AUGH! Rebecca: Now with red paint, a custom crest, neat airfins and progressive grenades! Tango: It's overclocked for good measure. Tsuneo: Island. Floating. Now. > ALL TRACES OF ANGEL > PRESENCE HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED. PILOT SELECTION IS UNNECESSARY. TOUJI SUZUHARA > HAS ALREADY PARTIALLY SYNCHRONIZED WITH EVA-03. Dan: Well, he was kind of dismembered and all... Tsuneo: I'm sure they fixed that too. Tango: They used fixes on Toji! > EXCAVATION OF NERV USA BASE HAS REVEALED EVA-04 TO BE FULLY INTACT. Tsuneo: In actual fact it was, once again, under a rock in Canada. Rebecca: Let's see how many more generic EVA fic clichés we can hit in the one chapter. > SHIPMENT OF EVA UNIT IS COMPLETE. Tsuneo: We received EVA-04 and nobody noticed. > ACTIVATION OF UNIT IS PROLONGED INDEFINITELY DUE TO > INABILITY TO FIND SUITABLE PILOT. Tsuneo: Oh please, don't let this be going where I think it's going. Rebecca: Where do you think it's going? Tsuneo: ...I dare not say. > UNIT IS CURRENTLY BEING STORED IN NERV WAREHOUSE # 573 IN TOKYO 3. Tango: Where anyone can wander in and find it. Dan: That's one mighty big warehouse. > BUILDING OF EVA-05 IN CHINA IS COMPLETE. Rebecca: It's some fifteen years behind schedule. It turned out their knockoff 50's Russian EVA technology wasn't compatible with the Israeli-designed Entry Plug. Happens all the time. > SELECTION OF PILOT IS COMPLETE. > ACQUISITION OF PILOT IS PROLONGED INDEFINITELY. Tango: They ran out of money and can't afford new staff. > BUILDING OF EVA-06 IN RUSSIA IS COMPLETE. Rebecca: But Boris Yeltsin pawned it for more booze. > SELECTION OF PILOT IS COMPLETE. > ACQUISITION OF PILOT IS PROLONGED INDEFINITELY. Tsuneo: He got a better offer, and is now doing a Brain Powerd fic. > BUILDING OF EVA-07 IN USA IS COMPLETE. Tango: But it had to be recalled due to poorly-fitted airbags, leaky fuel tank and a tendency to roll and burn. > SELECTION OF PILOT IS COMPLETE. > ACQUISITION OF PILOT IS PROLONGED INDEFINITELY. Dan: Evil Mr Catbert, the director of Human Resources, has other ideas. > Misato stared at the screen for several minutes, unable to fathom > what Gendo had been intending to do with those EVAs. Tango: Don't you know, EVAs are the new executive status symbol! I've got two in my garage. > She typed in a new command. > COMMAND > WHY HAS PILOT ACQUISITION BEEN PROLONGED INDEFINITELY. Tsuneo: So are you typing that at the C prompt? Tango: We need more money! Dan: They decided to spend all their money on redecorating Keele's office instead. > PILOT ACQUISITION HAS BEEN PROLONGED INDEFINITELY UNDER ORDERS BY NERV COMMANDER > GENDO IKARI. Tsuneo: He purposefully limited the growth of his power base. No, we don't know why either. > COMMAND > WHAT ARE GENDO IKARI'S ORDERS. Rebecca: Scheme. Plot. Look menacing. Beat up on Shinji. Shag Ritsuko rotten. > DELAY PILOT ACQUISITION INDEFINITELY TO PREVENT SEELE FROM GROWING SUSPICIOUS OF > NERV'S ACTIONS TO THIS POINT. Tsuneo: But Gendo did whatever he liked, regardless of what SEELE thought... Dan: Are you thinking again, Tsuneo? Tsuneo: Sorry. > "Well, Gendo's not in charge anymore Tango: Ted Turner fired him... AGAIN! Dan: Chairman Keele... Ted Turner... One and the same? > and we just might need those EVAs sooner or later," Misato stated. Tsuneo: Why? You've got Raiu. You've got super enhanced Cosplay EVAs. What more do you need? Rebecca: A plot? Characterisation? Dialogue? Consistency? > COMMAND > PRINT OUT WHERE CAN I CONTACT THE CORRECT PEOPLE TO ACQUIRE THE PILOTS > AND THE INFORMATION ON THE PILOTS. Dan: Can't you use the print command like everyone else? Tango: I never do. When I need to print something, I just shout at my computer until it does it. Dan: And does it work? Tango: No. > The printer next to the computer spat out a list of phone numbers > and personnel files on each of the pilots. Misato looked over the papers and > made a decision. Tango [Misato]: I'll have the crispy noodles! > "Looks like I'll be making quite a few phone calls today," Misato > mused. Dan: You're the commander! You've got > The new Commander of NERV reached for the phone and dialed the first > number. Dan: Hello? House of Certain Exotic Pleasures speaking. > High School, class 2-A Tsuneo: Wackiness was about to ensue. Tango: You said ensue. > The teacher looked from the trio he stood behind to the rest of his > class, none of whom noticed him standing there. Tango: He's in the same category as furniture, wall hangings and ticket inspectors. > He cleared his throat, > startling Rei, Asuka, and Shinji. The three teens spun around and looked at him > in surprise. Rebecca [Rei]: It lives! > "Now," the teacher began, "if you three will sit down, we can begin > class today. And welcome back, Miss Ayanami." Dan: He noticed she was gone? Rebecca: Yeah, the class was so quiet without her. > Shinji and Asuka sat next to each other, obviously, while Rei took > her usual seat by the window. As their teacher went off on another tirade about > the Second Impact, Tango: I remember second impact well. I was there. Rebecca: Nice twist on a stock gag. Tango: No, really, I was. > Rei stared out the window, thinking about Raiu. Rebecca [Rei]: How does he get his hair to stay up like that? > She turned > to glance around the class and stared at the teacher's suit on the back of his > chair. Suddenly, she could see each strand of fabric in the shirt as if she was > peering at it through a magnifying glass. Tango: He's got sauce stains on it too. > Rei looked around and saw each of the > other students as if she was looking at them using high-powered binoculars. Dan: Eeeeewww! I can see Kensuke's boogers! > Without warning, she was able to hear a student's heart beating in the next door > class. Dan: It's a kind of catchy tune. Tango: Naw, that's just someone pumping Tazz's theme through the speakers again. > A stream of smells unnoticeable to a human poured into her nose Tsuneo: What made it worse was that it was stock rotation day at the canteen. > as an > array of tastes assaulted her taste buds through her closed lips. Rei could > feel the air shift and move subtly against her skin, a feeling anyone else > wouldn't have had. Dan: Not without the aid of sandpaper first. Tango: Fun! > All of her senses rapidly became much more keen and sensitive. Tango: Rei is... The Pretender! > The > overhead lights burned her eyes as perfumes, colognes, and various other scents > overwhelmed her sense of smell. Rebecca: Okay, who let rip? > The increasing continued until Rei was crying out, Tango: The new Tear Gas, by Calvin Klein. > oblivious to the other students. Dan: They were fascinated by the teacher's ramblings. Tsuneo: Really? Dan: Not really, no. > The teen fell out of her chair and began writhing on the ground in pain. Rebecca: I guess she's been reading the scripts again. Tango: She'd been watching daytime soaps all day again. > A single thought crossed her mind through all > the pain and sensory overload. Tango: Pie... must have pie... > "RAIU!!" Rei cried out in a telepathic burst to the older teen. > Within minutes, a loud crashing sound assaulted Rei's ears, Dan: That was the Dragons of Doom warming up outside. > followed by the screaming of the students. Dan: See? > Raiu stood just inside the broken window in his gargoyle form, Rebecca: Can't you use the door like everyone else? Tsuneo: Who does he think he is, Batman? > watching the students and teacher of the class. He walked toward Rei, shifting > back to his human form as he did so. As Raiu kneeled beside the girl, Shinji > stood beside him. > "What's wrong with her?" Tsuneo: She's the authour's pet in a crappy fanfic? > "The only one that knows that is Rei." Dan: That's deep. > Raiu placed his palm against her upper chest Rebecca: Aren't we getting a little fresh in front of the other students? > and spoke to her telepathically. > "Rei, what's wrong?" > "Lights," Rei replied in a panicky voice, "sounds, tastes, smells, > feels. Too much!" Tango: 1 n33d m4 p1llz! Tsuneo: Don't do that. > Raiu looked up at Shinji and Asuka. Dan [Shinji]: Don't look at us. We didn't do anything! > "The changes still aren't complete. Rebecca: They haven't finished doing the wallpaper yet. > Each of her senses have been > enhanced to the point of causing her pain. Even with me just talking like this, > it's probably hurting her." Tsuneo: So why are you talking then? Rebecca: No Raiu, you talking always causes us pain. > "Just who or what the hell are you?!" the teacher shouted, his back > pressed against the blackboard at the front of the class. "What are you doing > here?! What do you want?!" Dan [Raiu]: The authour avatar, interrupting the class and to do the wacky with Rei. Tsuneo [Teacher]: What was the question? > Raiu stood up and walked over to the older man. The teen hissed and > maneuvered his face close to the teacher's, his silver cat eyes gleaming. Tango: Ewww... Dragon breath. > "If you don't stop shouting," Raiu hissed, "I'm your worst nightmare > to the fifth power." Dan: So... He's like Algebra homework? Tsuneo: ....Yes, actually. > Raiu returned to Rei without waiting for a reply. He placed his > hand against her chest again and spoke into her mind. Dan [Raiu]: Hey, these are pretty nice. Rebecca [Rei]: Pain or not, you are a dead dragon. > "Rei. I want you to listen to me very carefully. Can you do that > for me?" Dan [Raiu, bad French accent]: I will say this only once. > "Yes! Just stop the pain!" > "Concentrate on my voice. Try to ignore the pain. Tsuneo: Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Tango: Citizen Kabuto. Tsuneo: Calm blue ocean. > Think only of us being together. Rebecca: You want to help her, don't you? > You can use some of my memories if you need to." > "Al - alright . . . please, stop the pain!" Tsuneo: No more Brittany Spears! Dan: Mmmm... Underaged girl with implants... [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > "I will. But you have to concentrate." Tango: Concentrate... on the rock... on the ship... on all living things... > Rei's writhing and crying visibly lessened, although she still > winced whenever Raiu's hand inadvertently shifted position slightly. Rebecca: This sounds like a Sexual Harassment suit waiting to happen. > Asuka > stood next to Shinji and looked down at the couple. > "Is she going to be alright?" the fiery red head asked. Tsuneo: Is anyone in this fic all right? Tango: Fuyutski? Tsuneo: But he was hauled off to Parts Unknown, never to be seen again! Tango: That's good in this fic! > Raiu glanced up at her harshly as Rei writhed more at the sound of > Asuka's voice. > "Only if you make no noise whatsoever!" the dark haired teen hissed > in a low voice. Tango: Does that include breathing? Tsuneo: Do you mind? The life of the avatar's love interest is at stake! We don't have time for petty concerns like that! > Raiu continued to speak to Rei telepathically as her writhing > lessened to the point of nonexistence. Tsuneo: Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue- Tango: Kabuto. > Finally, she fell asleep. Raiu stood > and looked at Shinji and Asuka. Rebecca [Raiu]: What? Did I leave my fly open again? > "She'll be fine, but she won't be able to finish the day here. I'll > have to take her somewhere where we can work on her control over her senses." Dan: Do you have a note from her mother? Tango: Technically, I think she is her mother. > The teacher suddenly charged Raiu with a yardstick, Tango: Second Impact Strike! > hoping to knock him away from the students. Dan: Shoo! Shoo! Go away! > "I won't let you harm one of my students!" the man shrieked. > Raiu reached out without so much as turning and grabbed the > yardstick as the teacher swung at him. He reached out with one foot and tripped > the older man, knocking him to the ground. Raiu looked down at the man and > snarled. Tsuneo: Yeah, you look so good, beating up on a senile old school teacher. Tango: But Raiu's one of the New Blood. Rebecca: He's whiny enough for it. > He moves pretty fast for an old man, Raiu thought to himself. Rebecca: ...Since when was he fast? Since when was he actually physically able? Tango: Since when was he paying attention? > "She's the last person in all the universes combined that I'd harm." > Raiu stated, then turned from the group. "I'll be going now." Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, Raiu has left the building! > With that, Raiu picked up Rei and walked toward the window. He > stepped up on the sill, then casually jumped out the window. The students > finally broke out of their stupor and ran to the window, expecting to see a > bloody mess on the sidewalk below. Tango: Oh yes, please! > Instead, they saw Raiu flying off in his > gargoyle form, Rei cradled in his arms. Dan: Didn't I see this in an episode of Gargoyles? Rebecca: Which one? Dan: Er... all of them, I guess. Rebecca: Elisa Masa: A nice girl, just no survival instinct whatsoever. > They then slowly turned to Shinji and Asuka, who were smiling nervously at them. Tsuneo [Shinji]: What? What? > "I think we've got a lot of explaining to do," Shinji stated. > "Damn straight!" Hikari exclaimed. [Tsuneo stares blankly off into space] Dan: Er, you okay? Tsuneo: All my DELTA memories hit me at once. > Somewhere deep in space Tango: Planet Spaceball! > "And were you unable to destroy any of the EVAs as well?" > "No, my lord." > The pale teen kneeled in a spotlight before a shadowed being. Dan [Voice]: You're a total screw-up Kea, you know that? Tango: Hey, is that Cats? > "I was able to destroy EVA-00 before being almost fatally injured by > my brother." > "And that was all?" > "Sadly, yes, my lord." > "Then you have failed me, Kea. Rebecca [Voice]: Turn around and take your trousers off. Dan [Kea]: Again? Tsuneo: Dan! Do you mind? Dan: Hey, it seems to be the running trend. > However, you have done more than > most of my Angels have done. Therefore, you shall have one more chance. Tango: Hey, there's a stock villain mistake. When your minions fail you, you should just blast them to atoms rather than letting them mess up again. > If you can not return victorious, then do not return at all. Dan [Voice]: Otherwise, I'll have ot stick you in a crystal for the rest of eternity. > I will send several more Angels with you." > Kea stood and left. > "All is progressing according to schedule, father." A mental voice > said to the shadowed being. Rebecca: Except Raiu is busy whupping your asses, Gendo's dead, your minions are being thrashed and you're yet to accomplish anything. Dan: Yeah, but besides that, I mean. Tango: On the other hand, our ratings are up three points! > "Yes, daughter. Soon, my son will be returned to me. Tango: He was put in the post just this morning. > I am just > sorry we have to sacrifice such a loyal follower for him, no matter how > delusional he is." Tsuneo: Kea's delusional? Rebecca: He thinks he's got a chance. Tsuneo: True. > "It can not be helped. Besides, none of us really like the > 'sacrificial lamb' enough to care if he dies or not." Tsuneo: Face it, Kea, nobody likes you. > NERV HQ, midday Tango: High noon. > Shinji and Asuka walked into Gendo's old office and found Misato on > the phone. Rebecca [Misato]: So that's two super supremes, one vegetarian, two meat lovers and a small diet cola. I'm trying to watch my weight. > It was obvious she'd been talking to the person for quite some time. Dan: Misato's in for a shock when the bill comes back with all those 1-900 numbers on it. > "Fine . . . fine!" Misato exclaimed. "How much do you want? Tango: So she offered me one trillion dollars... and I refused! Then she offered me five trillion dollars... and I said no way! Then she offered me a room full of Turkish Delight, and how could I refuse? > That much?! You can't be serious! Dan: That's right, it's only $29.95. Plus, if you call in the next thirty minutes we'll throw in this free set of steak knives! > Wait - didn't Ikari already pay you for this? Tsuneo: Actually, he just charged it to Fuytski's Visa. > Uh huh. Well, I've got the financial reports for the last few years here, Dan: [Misato] And I've found a lot of expenditures under "world domination devices." > and according to it, Gendo paid you in advance for this." Rebecca: You don't want to know what else Gendo paid for in those few years. Dan: I see he blew a lot on puncture repair kits... > Misato looked up to see the young couple and motioned for them to > wait. After a few seconds, the new Commander smiled. Tango: You need to get some glasses, Misato. Then you can do the thing with them. Tsuneo: The thing? Tango: You know, the thing. Tsuneo: Uh? Tango: The thing Gendo does with his glasses. > "Well, then. I'll be expecting them here as soon as possible. Dan: They'll ship on Monday, so you'll get them in June. Two years from now. > I might even throw in something extra if they're here in under two days. Tango: See, it is the free steak knives. > Thank you for your cooperation. Rebecca [Misato]: And not reversing the charges. > Good-bye." > Misato hung up the phone, leaned back, and groaned. Dan: [Misato] Damn, I hate real work. Either of you want to be commander of Nerv? Rebecca: [Asuka] Do I get to wear a snazzy uniform and take over the world? Dan: [Misato] Um... yes? Rebecca: [Asuka] Sold! > "Money hungry jerk." > "What's wrong?" Shinji asked. Tango: According to this, we have no chance to survive and we should make our time, ha ha ha. [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion] Tsuneo: New rule. No All Your Base in here. Dan: For great justice? [Tsuneo hits him] > "Those damned Chinese ambassadors. They wanted me to pay them what > Gendo had paid them in advance." Rebecca: Blame it on budget overruns. Tango: Blame it on Chipzilla. It's always Chipzilla's fault. > "For what?" Asuka inquired. Dan: Genuine Imitation Rolexes and bootleg software. > "One of the new EVAs. Tsuneo [Shinji]: Oh, just tha... What the hell? > Russia and the United States agreed to send > their Units and pilots here without so much as a second thought." Rebecca: Of course, you'll have to pay for the shipping and handling. Tsuneo: They wanted to get rid of them too. > "WHAT?!" the two teens cried out in unison. > "Oh." Misato stated. "I forgot to tell you. I was searching through > Gendo's computer this morning. Dan: It turns out that he was writing EVA/Slayers Crossovers in his spare time. Who'd have guessed? Rebecca: That kind of makes sense, really. > It seems Gendo had the USA, China, and Russia > build three more EVAs. Why, I have no idea. Tsuneo: This may be a bit of a shot in the dark, but maybe he wanted them to fight angels with? I'm just guessing, mind you. > Anyway, I called up all three > countries and asked them to send their EVAs to us. They should get here in a > couple of days." Tango: Unless they send it by sea mail, in which case it will take about six to eight months and will have footprints on the side. > "Find out anything else?" Dan: Apparently Invadors are actually recycled Gamera monsters. Who knew? > "Well, EVA-03 is being rebuilt and EVA-04 was found intact. Tsuneo: And it was, all together now- All: Under a rock in Canada. Rebecca [Misato]: Also, there's this huge-ass island hanging over our base. Any idea how it got there? > It's > being stored in a warehouse right now. By the way, what are you doing out of > school already?" Dan [Shinji]: It's Saturday. Rebecca [Misato]: Oh yeah. Tango: Figures that Shinji and Rei don't have anything else to wear but their uniforms. > "We were sent home." Dan: Something about being unsociable. > "Why?" Misato asked in a low voice. Dan: They cheated on the maths test and looked up the answers. Tsuneo: What were they? Dan: Second impact. [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion] > "Rei went into seizures or something," Tango: She was murmuring Something about a Police Academy marathon. Dan [Shinji]: Then she caused Third Impact, so we all went home. > Asuka explained, "then Raiu > showed up in his gargoyle form and scared the shit out of the entire class." Dan [Raiu]: What? Oh, don't tell me I forgot to floss... > "He said that Rei's senses had been super-enhanced to the point of > causing her pain. Dan: Heh... Enhanced. Tango: She can now feel the pain of a Pauly Shore marathon form the next continent. > He managed to calm her down somehow -" Tsuneo: Calm blue- Tango: Kabuto. Tsuneo: Calm blue- Tango: Kabuto. Tsuneo: Calm blue Kabuto. Calm blue Kabuto. [Pause] What am I saying? > "Then he flew off with Rei after our teacher tried to attack him," > Asuka finished. Dan: Up next, the Teacher from Evangelion versus Terry Funk in a hardcore title match. Combined age: 253. > "And you were kicked out for what reason?" Misato began to get > irritated. Rebecca: While the teacher was distracted, Asuka tried to throw Kensuke out the window. [They all discreetly applaud] > "After we briefly explained everything about Raiu and Rei," Shinji > stated, Tsuneo: Think about this. Do you really want to tell everyone that Rei's hanging out with an immortal omnipotent angel-human-Evangelion hybrid? > "the teacher sent us home for helping disrupt class Dan: They wanted to talk about third impact. > and being friends > with - and I quote the teacher on this - 'a demonic creature that stole the form > of a human.'" Tango: Quick! Call the school's Exorcist! Tsuneo: The school has an exorcist? Tango: Every school should have one. Mine did. Tsuneo: You must have worked him overtime. > "Looks like I'll be making yet another phone call today," Misato > moaned. > "Eh, don't matter." Asuka replied. "He's a jerk anyway. Tsuneo: Asuka strikes another blow against social intolerance! > Everyone > else tried to get him to let us stay so they could hear more about Raiu." Rebecca: Of course. Everyone wants to hear about how wonderful Raiu is. Tango: Up next on BBC World: Part four of "Why Raiu is so cool". > "Well then, what are you going to do for the rest of the day?" Tango: Cause third impact? Dan: Hang out with Kensuke? Rebecca: Sit around and moan about the bleakness of your lives? Tsuneo: Act OOC? > "Not much, just hang out around the base," Shinji answered. Dan: You can hang out in Kaji's melon patch. I would. Rebecca: Shinji's the life of the party. > Two days later > Misato took Shinji and Asuka with her to greet the new pilots as > their ships brought them into the harbor. Rebecca: I sense wackiness. Dan: I sense imminent disaster. Tsuneo: I sense Raiu Smugness. Tango: I sense lunch. > The first ship to arrive was > Russia's. The large aircraft carrier slowed to a stop and lowered a ramp, Rebecca: Usually ships of that size need to be towed into the harbour, manoeuvred into place and slowly eased in, taking several hours. But I guess they just want to get it over and done with. Tango: Actually, they were just going to drive past, dump the EVA and get out of there. > allowing the trio to walk up and meet the crew. Dan: Half of whom were planning to disappear on shore leave, never to be seen again. > They were introduced to the > maintenance crew of the EVA, then the pilot. He took one look at Misato and > snorted. Tango: So the new pilot is Triple H? > "Who the hell are you?" the teenage boy asked. Tango: See? > "I'm Misato Katsuragi. Rebecca [Misato]: And I'll be your waitress and fan service for the evening. > Commander of the Japan branch of NERV. And your new commanding officer." Dan: Misato's in charge now. You are so screwed. > "Oh. I thought you were somebody of importance, Tsuneo: ... Rebecca: I can see that we're going to love this kid. > like an adult EVA pilot. Tsuneo: Listen to what you're saying, kid. Think about it for five seconds. > Guess I won't have anyone to best with my perfect EVA." Tsuneo: My god, Russia's sent them DJ Croft. > "Watch who you're insulting, dumkopf," Asuka hissed, "or I might > just have to prove you're not the best." > "Oh? And who might you be? Some German floozy?" Tsuneo: Death is imminent. Rebecca [Asuka]: What? You dare call the Great Asuka a floozy? WA-TAK! And we almost beat you in the war too. > "Asuka Langley Soryu, resident champion EVA pilot. Rebecca: Conqueror of the Trake, heir to the throne of Essex, Slayer of Romulans, Destroyer of Invadors, et cetera et cetera. > And if you don't > stop insulting people, I'll make sure you're EVA can't be repaired." Tsuneo: Uh, care to word that in a way that actually makes some sense? > "Ooh, I'm so scared." Tango: We don't even know his name and already he's a dead man. This is fun. Tsuneo: Hmm... Rebecca: What's on your mind? Tsuneo: How long would it take someone to fall from the deck of an aircraft carrier? Rebecca: That was cold. > "Enough." Misato growled. "What's your name?" > "Chekov Namovi, Seventh Child," the boy replied arrogantly Dan: In case we hadn't noticed yet. > as the ships from China and the USA arrived. Dan: Unfortunately, they were fighting over the one parking spot. Rebecca: And what do you know, China's shipping their EVA on HMAS Melbourne. > "Alright then, Chekov. Come with us to greet the other two pilots." > "I'd rather puke." Tsuneo: Don't worry, we know the feeling. > "Too bad." Shinji stated harshly. "You don't have a choice." Rebecca: [Misato] I'd just like to remind you that we have a class full of pilot candidates in case we don't like you. > "What's your name? Super Wimp?" Rebecca: And I thought he'd only just met Shinji. He seems to know him already. > "I am Shinji Ikari, Third Child. The only reason you're not on the > ground with a broken nose is because I don't want to piss Misato off any more > than she already is." Dan [Shinji]: Damn straight! Rebecca: Oh wow! This is the new and improved assertive Shinji with added backbone! Tsuneo: I don't know whether to cheer for the original characters standing up for themselves or to cry because Shinji's so terribly OOC. > "All of you, enough!" Misato yelled. "Chekov, you can either come > with us to greet the other two new pilots or we can have someone else pilot your > 'perfect' EVA until you learn some manners." Rebecca: Well gee, who are you going to get to pilot it? Dan: Well, there's always- Tsuneo: No. Dan: But- Tsuneo: Just no. We don't want to go there. > Chekov reluctantly followed the trio to the Chinese ship. Rebecca: Minskworld! The world's only Socialist-themed amusement park built out of the hull of a Soviet aircraft carrier. > They got > onboard just in time to see the pilot being escorted toward them. The girl > bowed once she was near them and introduced herself. > "My name is Yisiu Sulu, Tsuneo: So... they got a Japanese girl from China? Rebecca: Are you thinking about the fic again, Tsuneo? Tsuneo: Silly me. Tango: I can help you fix the thinking problem. Tsuneo: I'll be fine. > the Sixth Child. I am pleased to meet you, Commander Ikari. I -" Dan: Er, that's not Gendo. There are subtle differences, you know. For starters, she's a woman. It's kind of hard to miss. > "I'm not Ikari." Misato stated flatly. "He was killed in an Angel > attack recently. Tango: That's the polite way of saying it. > I have been promoted and took his place. I am Commander Misato Katsuragi." Tsuneo: Please tell me all these kids aren't going to be moving in with her. Please don't say that. Tango: Calm blue Kabuto? Tsuneo: Calm blue Kabuto. > "Oh. Well then, I am pleased to meet you, Commander Katsuragi. I > hope I will not fail you while I am working under you." Dan: I'd happily work under Misato. And I certainly wouldn't fail her. Rebecca: That's not what your ex-girlfriend said. Dan: Hey! That's not true. Rebecca: You're right. You've never had a girlfriend. Dan: That's better.... Hey! > "I'm sure you'll do fine. And you don't have to be so formal around > us. We're sorta like one big family. Tango: One big dysfunctional, in-fighting, part angelic family with some embarrassing cousins you don't like to talk about [He sniffs]. Tsuneo: You okay? Tango: It reminds me of home. > Just call me Misato." > "Alright. I will try to remember that." > "You want to come with us to meet the American pilot?" Tsuneo: Do we get a choice? Tango: Our next contestant is a sixteen year old kickboxing champion who has recorded a hit CD and is in the US Air Force! Please make welcome John Barren! Rebecca: Er, that's Tom Dyron. Tango: It's all good. > "I'd be glad to." Yisiu stated, smiling. "But, what about my EVA?" Dan: And what about Raven? > "It will be transported to NERV HQ in a matter of hours," one of her > escorts replied. Rebecca: [Escort] It'll arrive upside down and cost you twice as much as you thought. Tango: And have stamps up the wazoo. > The group headed for the last ship only to see that the American > pilot had been escorted to the pier already. Dan: Then they left as fast as they could. Tsuneo: They rear-ended the Chinese ship on their way out. > She said something in English that none of the others understood. Rebecca: I guess she's from Alabama then. Tango: No, I'm afraid that we're out of Bananas. Would you like a ferret instead? > Seeing their blank faces, she realized her mistake and bowed. Rebecca: [Pilot] I and filled with shame. > "I forgot that you don't speak English." The teen stated in halting > Japanese. "I'm called Krystal Carson, Dan: The badly-dubbed child! > the Eighth Child. I'm glad to meet all of you." > With the introductions finished, Rebecca: [Misato] Okay, I'm the new resident god, this is your lord and master of the Eva pilots and her plaything, there's a no-personality extra behind us and the Russian pilot can be seen drifting off into the sunset. > Misato herded everyone into the van Tango: [Misato] Ya mule! Ya! Git along thar! > she'd brought instead of her coupe and sped off to the base. Tsuneo: [Deadpan] Wackiness ensues. > NERV HQ Dan: Under new management. > "How much longer do we have to wait?" Chekov whined for the > umpteenth time. Rebecca: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? I need to go! Are we there yet? Asuka hit me. I wanna ice cream. Are we there yet? > "The more you whine," Krystal snapped in English so he wouldn't > understand her, "the longer it will take, pretty boy!" Tsuneo: Was that something resembling a description? > The five teens sat in the lounge, Rebecca: So this is what DV8 are up to these days. > waiting for the three new EVAs to arrive. Dan: What, in the lounge? How are they gonna fit? Tango: Fed-ex will find a way. > Maya walked through the door a few minutes later. Dan & Tango: Helooo nurse! Rebecca: I didn't know she still worked here. Tango: Well, she's just spent the last four days downloading Quake patches. Tsuneo: I don't think she'd play Quake. Tango: She was looking after the downloads for Hyuga and Aoba while they were playing Counterstrike. > "The EVAs have arrived. If you'll all follow me, we can give them a > test run." > Once they were directed to the locker rooms, the pilots quickly > changed into their Plug suits. Chekov's was brown with green highlights, Dan: Just to say we don't like him. Tango: Don't you know? It's a camo plugsuit. > Yisiu's was yellow and white, Rebecca: So she wandering around looking like a banana? > and Krystal's was colored teal with silver highlights. Rebecca: I'm sure we're all better off for knowing what their plugsuits look like. Tsuneo: It's important, since we don't actually know what the pilots look like. Rebecca: Point. > The five pilots each headed for their EVAs, not knowing for sure > what to expect from each other. Tsuneo: One-dimensional characterisation and minimal individuality? Tango: They're different! One's Russian, one's American and the other's something. > After the pilots got in their EVAs, the living > robots were launched up separate launch tubes. Dan: Well they'd look kind of stupid in the same one. Tsuneo: I mean they *do* have training grounds *in* the geofront... > Outskirts of Tokyo 3 > The five EVAs met at the outskirts for the test run to keep from > damaging the city. Each new EVA looked much different than the others. > EVA-05 was yellow and white with collapsible wings. Its body was > like EVA-03's while its head resembled EVA-00's. Tsuneo: New EVAs from the mix-and-match EVA body part shop. Tango: Hang on! That's just EVA:R's Unit 06 with the six crossed out and five written over it in crayon. > It had a single eye and was lankier than most EVAs. Rebecca: And it only took them four years to reverse-engineer it from the French specifications. > EVA-06 was deep brown with increased musculature and > three eyes. Dan: I guess was created in the Chernobyl facility. Rebecca: That's the Ukraine, you twerp. Dan: Ah, one of those impoverished former Soviet republics. > It resembled EVA-01 but had no mouth or ring around the head. > EVA-07 was solid teal with a few silver markings. Tango: It was buggy as all hell, but they promised a service pack in a year. In the meantime, NERV was forced to use the ultra-expensive add-on pack. > It had six eyes and four > shoulder-mounted blades. Its head didn't resemble any other EVA while its body > was almost an exact copy of EVA-02's. Tsuneo: Well, given that it's the standard body design for production model EVAs you'd bloody well think so. > The three new pilots marveled at Sularos > and Siron, the upgraded EVAs unlike anything they'd seen before. Tango: Except on Saturday morning television, or Dan's secret stash. > "Just what the hell kind of EVAs are those?" Chekov demanded. Tsuneo: They're cosplay fanservice EVAs. Tango: Actually, they're Megazords. > "Upgraded EVAs." Sularos replied bluntly. Tsuneo: Since when did they start talking? Rebecca: Oh, it's just another ridiculously contrived ability he didn't bother introducing us to. > "Our friend Raiu found a > way to enhance our EVAs to the point where they changed shape. Dan: Does everything change shape when you enhance it? Tango: Just look at Pamela Anderson and Scott Steiner. > These are the results." Rebecca: Can we get our money back? > "So what? My EVA can still beat yours," the Russian boy sneered. Dan: Spot the jobber, folks. > "Let's see if you're right or not," Siron growled. Tango: [Chekov] My Eva's better than yours. Rebecca: [Asuka] Is not! Tango: [Chekov] Is too! Rebecca: [Asuka] Is not! Tango: [Chekov] Is too! Rebecca: [Asuka] Is not! Tango: [Chekov] Is too! Rebecca: [Asuka] Is not infinity! > "Gladly." > The other three EVAs backed away and formed a triangle around Siron > and EVA-06. All: [Chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! Dan: Twenty klatus on the newcomer. > EVA-06 strutted as if to say, "this'll be easy." Siron leapt into > the air, surprising Chekov. He spun around, expecting an attack from behind, > only to be attacked from the direction he had been facing. Dan: So she jumped up, vanished, and landed in the same place. > A few well-placed > kicks dropped Unit-06 to the ground, stunning Chekov. He stood his EVA up and > turned to Siron again. > "You got lucky!" > "Let's see you do better!" Rebecca: [Asuka, halting] Your Kung fu... Is pig dung! > EVA-06 charged Siron only to be slammed to the ground when she > punched it in the chest. Dan: [Chekov] I'm gonna run at you and do nothing. > The titan quickly got up and tried to jump kick Siron. > The female EVA grabbed his foot and began spinning around. Tango: And now for the world's silliest wrestling move, the Giant Swing! > EVA-06 was airborne > a few moments later as Siron released its foot. Unit-06 flew for the length of > several city blocks and came crashing down heavily in a nearby forest. Rebecca: Let's see how much of the scenery we can destroy in a training session. Tsuneo: Is now a good time to mention Nerv's fully-functional simulators? Dan: No-one would care. > It shakily stood up and walked back over to the other EVAs. Dan: [Chekov] Okay, let's try that again. Rebecca: [Asuka] C'mon, how many more times do I have to humiliate you? > Siron couldn't see him, Tsuneo: I get it, for "Siron," read "Asuka." > but knew Chekov was staring daggers at her from within his Entry Plug. > "Wanna try again?" > " . . . No . . ." Chekov mumbled. Tsuneo: [Chekov] I am filled with shame. > "Now, let's get back to the test." Sularos stated. "Let's see what > each EVA can do. Yisiu, you're first. Let's start with marksmanship." Dan: Some training first would be nice. Tango: [Shinji] If you go without shooting off your own foot, you're in. > EVA-05 stepped over to a nearby building and got out a positron > rifle. Rebecca: We're just trying to practice, not blow up the world. > Yisiu turned to Sularos and waited for further instructions as the > emerald green EVA walked off until he was 500 yards away, then stopped and > turned to the others. > "Try to hit the center of my shield." Dan: Want to try something hard? > "What - oh." > Yisiu was cut off as Sularos' shield expanded from his left arm. Tsuneo: So now they're buying used MS parts. > He positioned his shield in front of his chest and nodded at EVA-05. Dan: [Shinji] I hope this shield's as good as he said. Rebecca: Don't you have dummy targets or something? Tango: That's what Shinji's there for. Tsuneo: [Shinji] I hate my life. > Yisiu aimed > the gun and fired off a round, hitting the edge of the shield. She fired > several more, most of which hit the edge of the shield, but a couple hit near > the center. Dan: No Teddy Bear for you. Rebecca: Ooh, you can hit a big, immobile target. I'm just quaking in my boots. > "Good." Sularos stated, stopping her from firing more rounds. > "You're next, Krystal." Dan: Remind me, which one is she? Rebecca: The bland, undescribed one. > Yisiu passed the gun to the teal EVA and stepped back. Tango: So are these Evangelions or pastel explosions? > Krystal took aim and fired the same amount of bullets Tsuneo: Bullets from a positron rifle. Unh-huh. > as Yisiu and hit the exact center with every shot. Dan: Congratulations, you get to take home a prize! Tell her what she's won! Tango: Yes, you've won a genuine continuum transfunctioner, a year's supply of pudding and the right not to have a one ton weight dropped on your head. > EVA-07 pantomimed blowing smoke off the barrel and passed the rifle > to EVA-6. Dan: Smooth with a capital smooth. Rebecca: Do you think this means we could actually like one of these new characters? Tsuneo: If they had characters. > Chekov aimed and fired off the same number of bullets as the other > two. None of them even hit Sularos. Tango: Another proud graduate of imperial stormtrooper academy. > The emerald green EVA shook his head and walked back to the others. Dan: Do you think he's here for anything apart from being put down? Rebecca: Guess the authour's still living in the eighties. > "Not bad." Misato stated over the EVAs' comm. links. "Krystal, > you'll be our sniper. Yisiu, you could be anything depending on how well you do > in the rest of the test run. Chekov, you will not be allowed near guns when an > Angel attacks. You'll do more damage to the other EVAs and the surrounding area > before you'd hit the Angel. Therefore, you'll be a close combat fighter." Rebecca: [Misato] I'm going to make all these judgements on the basis of a single target practice session, without assessing your close combat capabilities or ability to hit a moving target. Dan [Raiu]: You'll all have to get smacked around to make me look good, understood? > "It won't matter what any of you are." A familiar voice called out > from behind the EVAs. "You won't live for much longer!" Tango: Wait, wait, I know who it is, it's... unh... Jar Jar Binks! Dan: Well, about as credible and popular. > The five giants turned to see Kea in his dragon form and a couple of > Angels beside him. Tsuneo: Suddenly appearing - without so much as a warning or even an establishing shot - it's the oppressive forces of the Ching or whatever government posing up a storm! > The Angel to his left looked like Sachiel, but it had blue > skin and a snake-like tail in place of legs. The other one looked like Arael, > except it had two heads and four arms. Rebecca: I guess they've been going to the random Invador body part shop. Tango: It has the head of a [rolls dice] dingo, the arms of [rolls dice] Margaret Thatcher, the legs of [Rolls dice] an ostrich and [rolls dice] a polo mallet. > Sularos snarled and stepped forward. > "What do you want, Kea?" Dan: [Kea] I want my dignity back! Tango: [Shinji] Never had it. Dan: [Kea] Oh yeah. Forget it. > "Shinji? Your EVA has changed. Oh, well. I'll still destroy you > easily." All: Famous last words. Tsuneo: Why don't you just declare that you're invincible and you never lose. > "I wouldn't bet on it," Sularos growled as he activated his prog > sword. Tango: Form blazing sword! [They all stare at him] What? > The two charged each other with blades at the ready. Sularos > slashed down with his sword, only to have it blocked by Kea's arm blade. He > quickly brought his shield forward to block Kea's punch. Kea snapped his leg > up, kneeing Sularos in the gut. Rebecca: [Krystal] Do we get to actually do anything? Dan: [Chekov] Hey, doing nothing's an improvement for me. > The EVA stumbled backwards a few paces and got > ready to block another attack. He looked up to see Kea charging a Mega Flare > attack. He dove to the side as Kea fired, forcing the dragon to miss and > destroy an insignificant building. Tsuneo: Oh, don't worry about them. They're just zero level NPCs, living their boring zero-level lives. > Kea ran over to Sularos and kicked him in > the chest, making sure he stayed down. The white dragon aimed his fist at > Sularos' head and turned to the EVAs, his fist glowing. All: Ooooooohhhh!!!!!! > "Make one move and he dies." Dan: [Raiu] That's okay, he doesn't matter to me. Rebecca: [Misato] Raiu! Dan: [Raiu] Just sayin', that's all. > Before the EVAs could react, Rebecca: [Krystal] We might as well phone in this scene. Dan: [Chekov] Hey Shinji, we're going for pizza. See ya. > a volley of laser blasts caught Kea in > the back, knocking him away from Sularos. Everyone - including the Angels - > looked toward the source of the lasers to see Raiu in his dragon form. Tsuneo: [Shinji, bored] Rah, rah, Raiu's the man. He's our saviour. > The > black dragon walked over to Sularos. As he reached down to help the EVA stand, > something slammed into his side. Caught unprepared, Raiu was knocked over > Sularos to land almost a football field away. Tsuneo: Don't you love how Americans measure everything in football fields? Tango: I measure everything in soccer fields myself. Like from here to the door, it's zero point- Rebecca: We get the picture. > He stood up to see EVA-06 > standing near Sularos. Raiu formed an AT Field as EVA-06 grabbed the positron > rifle and fired on him. Dan: Quote: "Will not be allowed near guns when an Angel attacks." I think he's doing pretty well. > "What the fuck is your problem?!" > "Filthy Angel! You'll not be harming any of my fellow pilots!" Tsuneo: This is why we have what's called a briefing, folks. > "What?!" Raiu exclaimed. "Dumb shit! I'm on your side!! Didn't you > see me take down Kea?" Rebecca: [Asuka] Actually, I saw you go down on- Tsuneo: NO, Rebecca. Rebecca: Aww... > "Yes! Just so you could get the kill for yourself!" Tango: Yeah, I'd say Raiu is a vulcher. > Raiu was about to respond when a laser blast hit his AT Field. He > looked over his shoulder and saw the Angels firing at him again. The dragon > then turned back to EVA-06. > "I'll deal with you later. [Tsuneo glares at Rebecca] Rebecca: Must.. resist urge... > EVAs! You take on the Angels while I finish some unsettled business with Kea. Dan: [Shinji] Hey, who died and made you the boss? Tango: [Raiu] Gendo did. Dan: [Shinji] Oh yeah. > Be aware that if any of you attack me, I will reciprocate with near lethal force." Tsuneo: In as clumsy speech as possible. > "Where's Rei?" Sularos asked, stopping Raiu. > "NERV HQ. She's able to control her powers now." Dan: [Shinji] So why isn't she out here? Tango: [Raiu] Do you mind, this is about *me* out here. Dan: [Shinji] But- Tango: [Raiu] Me, remember. > Raiu turned to look for Kea and saw his white brother walking > casually toward him. Tango: Oh my God, Kea's found a method for distilling pure funk! > As the two dragons faced each other, they watched the > other for signs of readying to strike. Tsuneo: Hold it! Time out for a refreshing pose break, kiddies! > "I'm surprised you came back so soon, brother. Dan: [Kea] I found a ring of regeneration. Rebecca: Well, Kea can't go without his beating every now and then. > It's not like you." > "So I decide to be different for once. Rebecca: [Kea] This time I want to be the "man." Tsuneo: Something he'll never achieve. > So what? Just means I get to kill you sooner." > "We'll see about that." Dan: Actually, it means he will. > Raiu charged a full Mega Flare Tango: But Kea had cast Life 3, so he was back instantly. > under the protection of his AT Field, > then dropped the Field and fired at Kea. The blast tore through the white > dragon's left shoulder, ripping his arm from his body and decimating the left > side of his chest. Tango [Kea]: Now that's going to sting in the morning. Dan [Raiu]: There you go, I have bested you in honourable combat. Tsuneo [Kea]: No you haven't, it's just a scratch. > Kea fell to his knees and smirked at Raiu. Rebecca: [Kea] Now this is an awfully familiar position. > "What's so funny?" Raiu inquired. > "You think this will kill me, that's what. Dan: Would if you'd followed up rather than chatting. > Neotek nano probes! Tsuneo: ...eight pints of liquid machinery. > Activate!" Tango: Small annoying bug thing high-pitched buzzing noise power. > Upon his command, wires shot out of Kea's back and attached > themselves to various parts of his body, even his severed arm. Tango: He's stolen Nene's mad ha}{or skillz, the fiend! > The arm was > pulled and held against Kea's side as his flesh peeled away in several places to > reveal robotic components. Rebecca: So he's turning into a borg? Tsuneo: Nah, it was MechaKeazilla all along. > The components pushed forward and spread, covering > the torn edges of his flesh. The left side of his upper body was replaced with > robotic parts covered by a metal shell. Tsuneo: Why not the rest? Dan: So remember folks, aim for the right side! Tango: [Kea] Everyone always picks on that one weak spot! > The severed arm reattached itself at > the socket provided by the robotic shoulder. The flesh on Kea's neck from the > shoulders up melted and ran off like water, Tango: With a gooey caramel center! > revealing a robotic neck and head. > Kea had transformed into a cyborg dragon. Dan: So now Kea's Dragon Megatron? Rebecca: More like Beast Machines Megatron. He does nothing, gets humiliated, commands witless minions and gets blown to pieces in the end. > "This oughta be challenging," Raiu mused. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Nah, I'll just contrive a dozen new powers and wuss-slap him again. > EVA control room > Rei walked through the door and was met by Misato. Rebecca: [Misato] Oh, hey Rei. Tsuneo: [Rei] What's happening? Rebecca: [Misato] Raiu's beating up Kea again. Tsuneo: [Rei] Oh. So what's on Raw? > "Rei!" Misato exclaimed. "Where have you been?!" > "With Raiu. I had some problems with the heart. We managed to work > it out, though." Tsuneo: [Rei] We've reached a settlement, so I'll have access to the heart every other fortnight. > Rei looked up at Misato and surprised the older woman. > "What's wrong?" Rei asked, seeing Misato's expression. > "Your eyes . . ." > Rei looked at Misato curiously. Tango: [Rei] They're red. Your point? Dan: [Misato] Just saying. > "What's wrong with them." > "Here," Misato replied, handing Rei a small mirror she kept in her > purse. > Rei looked into the mirror and was surprised by her own looks. Her > eyes had changed. Now, the whites of her eyes were swirling with inky, sky blue > clouds and her pupils had become diamond shaped while the red irises had > deepened in color to blood red. Tsuneo: Well that's even freakier than usual. > "Weird," Rei thought aloud as she handed the mirror back to Misato. Dan: Rei thinks something's weird? Now you're in trouble. > The girl pushed passed the woman and stood beside Maya. > "Do you have a visual of the fight out there?" > "Yes. Bringing it up now." Dan: Main screen turn on. [Tsuneo whacks him with a cushion] > A large monitor above the plate glass windows Tsuneo: Since when have they had those in Nerv command? Rebecca: Gendo thought they'd look cool. > sprang to life with a video of the fight outside. Rebecca: [Misato] Whoops, I think we got the porn channel. No, that is the fight, sorry. > As the group inside watched, the EVAs surrounded > the Angels but were quickly downed when the Angels fired powerful blasts that > cut through the EVAs' armor like it was butter. Tango: You know, butter's not that easy to cut through, especially if it's just from the fridge, I mean, unless it's that easy spread stuff, but there's no fun in that because you don't need to get out the chain saw... > The only ones left were Raiu, > Sularos, and Siron, each of them fighting a different foe. Dan: So what's the point of introducing all the new characters if they get mowed down in one shot? Tango: ...and then we put the AOL starter CDs in the microwave, you know that's a really great way to relax, you should see what happens when... Rebecca: Not that they really got introduced. Dan: Point. > Surface > Sularos charged his opponent, slashing wildly with his prog sword. Tsuneo: Which one's his opponent? Tango: ...oh, that's how Caridia got blown up you see, it was after my cousin Bob accidentally stole a sun-melting indestructible star fighter, only he wanted to blow up a couple of stars on the way... Rebecca: All we know is it's from the Powerplant and should be doing Saturday Night. > The blade connected with the Angel's arm when the monster tried to block the > attack. The prog sword cut through the Angel's arm and imbedded itself in the > creature's shoulder. Tsuneo: [Angel] Yeah, that really worked for me. Tango: ...but did I ever tell you about my cousin Bob, he's a really great guy, I mean, he's a bit older than me but we get along fine, you know ma Charley always reckoned cousin Bob was the weird one. Dan: Uh, Tango? The fic? Tango: Oh yeah, that thing. > The Sachiel lookalike cried out in pain and slammed its > other fist against Sularos' head, knocking the EVA back. Sularos barely hung on > to his sword and ripped it from the Angel's shoulder, slicing through the flesh > even more. Tsuneo: [Angel] I just can't win. > Siron fired her sonic disrupters at Arael II, Dan: Electric boogaloo. > only to have them ricochet off the Angel's AT Field. Rebecca: Sonic waves *don't* ricochet. > She ran toward the Angel and slammed her fists together, generating a sonic boom. Tsuneo: And smashing windows for miles around. Tango: Earmuff vendors would make a killing though. > That, combined with her quickly > unfolding AT Field, cut through Arael II's AT Field and caught the Angel by > surprise. Dan: [Angel] I was surprised by my opponent running straight at me. Ooh, the shame. Ooh, the humiliation. > As the creature fell to the ground, Siron fired her energy beam, > slicing off two of the Angel's four arms. Rebecca: [Angel] You know, I put on those extra arms just to stop you from doing that. Tsuneo: so is that two arms on the same side, or one on each? > The Angel pushed itself up and flew > at Siron, only to be knocked down by a sonic boom and her AT Field. Tango: [Angel 1] Why do we even bother? Dan: [Angel 2] If we don't, they'll mistake us for Kea. > Raiu grinned at Kea before raising his AT Field to block a burst of > laser blasts. > "Y'know, becoming part metal really wasn't a good idea, brother." > "Why do you say that?" > "Because now, you're just one big lightning rod!" Rebecca: [Raiu] Heh. He said "rod." > Before Kea could respond, Raiu had dropped his AT Field and spat a > lightning bolt at his brother's metal shoulder. When the bolt hit, sparks > rained as several circuits shorted out. Tsuneo: So Kea doesn't have surge protectors? Rebecca: No. But it proves that he's come from an advanced civilisation. Tsuneo: How so? Rebecca: Not one single race in Star Trek uses them. > Kea swore loudly and fired a burst of > lasers at Raiu. The beams hit, knocking the black dragon to the ground. As > Raiu watched, Kea's shoulder seemed to repair itself. Now it was Kea's turn to > grin at his brother. > "Neotek technology is so useful. Tango: It's less fattening than your regular overtechnology. > You'd be surprised how much nano probes can do." Dan: But Raiu can do that anyway. Rebecca: [Kea] D'oh! > Sularos stumbled backward and would have fallen, had he not > back-flipped and landed in a defensive crouch. Rebecca: So he would have stumbled except for the fact that he didn't stumble at all. > He launched himself toward Sachiel II. Dan: The sequel's rather derivative. I prefer the original. > Sularos thrust his prog sword out before him and stabbed the blade > through the Angel's core, destroying the monster. Tsuneo: And so much for that baddie. > Siron kicked the prone Angel, [Dan, Tango and Tsuneo wince and cross their legs] Rebecca: Sometimes I actually like Asuka. > sending it flying a few hundred yards. > It crashed to the ground across a highway leading into Tokyo 3. Tsuneo: Great, as if the traffic wasn't bad enough. > She ran over > and grabbed the Angel by its throat. Siron lifted the creature and slammed her > fist through the Angel's core, Tango: Asuka has the fist of death! > only to find a second sphere within it. She > pulled the sphere out and looked at it curiously. When nothing happened, she > crushed the sphere between her hands. Tango: Fat lot of good that did. > Raiu fired a volley of lasers from both hands, hitting Kea, but > merely stunning him. Dan [Michael Palin]: Look, it's just stunned. The White Dragon stuns easily. Beautiful plumage though. Tango [John Cleese]: Look, he's not stunned, he's bleeding demised. > The cyborg dragon walked up to his fallen brother and > smashed his foot down on the black dragon's hip, shattering the bone and tearing > the flesh with his talons. Dan: Is now a good time to cheer? Rebecca: Why bother? You know the result. > Kea laughed as his brother cried out in pain then > smashed his other hip the same way. Rebecca: Why bother? He'll only regenerate it in a few seconds. > Kea repeated the process with Raiu's knees > and feet as if he were a child playing hopscotch. Rebecca: Now try a little higher up. [Dan, Tango and Tsuneo wince and cross their legs again] > Raiu tried to fire more > lasers at Kea, but the haze of pain prevented him from aiming accurately and > each of his shots missed. Dan: Even though he's right on top of you? Rebecca: Well Raiu's usually the one on top. > Kea shifting out of the way of each didn't help much either. Dan [Kea]: Hey look at this! I'm winning! I'm actually doing something! I'm making a difference! Tsuneo [Raiu]: Shut up, Kea. Dan [Kea]: Sorry. > EVA control room > Rei watched in horror as Kea shattered every single bone in Raiu's > body. Tango: How about his metatarsals? Is he breaking those too? > A small blue aura formed around her as her anger and despair grew. All: Oooooooohhhhh! Dan: Now Rei has Mad Chi Powerz too! > She > clenched and unclenched her fists repeatedly, unable to think of anything but > the fight outside. Rebecca: [Rei] Hey, there's a sale on! > "No . . ." Rei hissed. "Kea will not win." Dan: That's because Raiu booked the match. > Surface > Sularos and Siron gathered up the downed EVAs and dragged them to > the launch tubes, where they were returned to the underground base. Tsuneo: Welcome to the Dark side. You've just done your first Job. Get used to it. > That done, > the two upgraded EVAs headed back to help Raiu. Once there, they tried to fire > on Kea, only to have their shots reflected back at them by Kea's AT Field. Dan: [Shinji] Ooh, this is gonna sting. > He glanced up at them as their own weaponry hit them, causing massive damage to > each EVA and knocking them out. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Looks like even our super-silly upgraded EVAs are useless. Rebecca: [Asuka] Figures. [Pause] You want to go get a pizza? Tsuneo: [Shinji] Yeah, why not? > Raiu snarled weakly and spat a lightning bolt > at the distracted cyborg standing on him. He got lucky and the bolt hit Kea in > the head, shorting out his optics. Dan: Kea isn't properly earthed. > As Kea shook his head, waiting for his sight > to return, Raiu charged up a Mega Flare. Kea's sight returned just in time for > him to see the growing ball of light. Tango: [Kea] Ooh, I've wasted my life. > "Stubborn as always, aren't you brother?" Tango: They should use Big Kev's cleaner. Nothing else gets out the stubborn stains. Dan: [Raiu] It's why all the chicks dig me. Rebecca: As if. > Kea formed an AT Field and engulfed the Mega Flare's sphere in it. > The blast backfired and hit Raiu in the stomach, tearing the black dragon in > half. Tsuneo: [Raiu] Oh, so that's what a spleen looks like. Tango: [Raiu] How'd those carrot chunks get in there? I didn't have any carrots. And what about the mushy peas? > The last thing Raiu felt as he lost consciousness was Kea ripping his > heart/core out. Tango: Didn't I see this in Temple of Doom? > Kea held the heart/core in his hands and stared in awe. Dan: [Kea, teary] I'm winning! Hallelujah! > "So much power stored within such a small package. So hard to get > to, and yet so easy to destroy." Tango: ...like fruitcake! > Kea grinned and threw the heart/core, intending to destroy it in > midair. A split second after he fired a burst of lasers, though, he was tackled > by a large form. Dan: [Kea] Oh, never mind. > He fell to the ground several hundred yards away and stood to face his attacker. Tango: It's run-in man! He's not here to do anything, he's just run-in man! > A lithe, humanoid dragon stood before him. Her navy blue > skin would have made perfect camouflage under the sea, but here, it made her > stick out like a sore thumb against the midday sky. Tango: The pink bunny pattern didn't help either. Rebecca: It's Kabuto, come to save the day! > Reptilian butterfly wings hung from her back as a bladed tail lashed > back and forth behind her. Segmented armor skin ran down her from the base of > her skull, down her back, and to the tip of her tail while smooth, leathery skin > coated her throat, chest, and stomach area. Her legs were like those of Raiu's > gargoyle form, only proportionally slimmer. Tsuneo: So Rei finally gets her dragon form, but it's an incredibly girly fairy dragon? > Two serrated, finlike blades angled out from each forearm, the ones > closest to her elbows longer than the other two. A ring of horns crowned the > back of her skull, connected by webbing similar to the skin of a bat's wing. > Kea's eye level was about mid-neck on her. Dan: [Kea] I am so screwed. Rebecca: And often too. > Narrowed, anger filled red eyes glared at Kea. Dan: So how come she gets a two-paragraph description but no-one else gets a single word? Tsuneo: Authour's pet. Besides, it's his new mythos. > "You killed Raiu. Now, I will kill you." Tango: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. > "Rei?!" Kea asked in shock, but his optics instantly narrowed in > determination. "So, Raiu's heart did much more than just save your life. I'll > still crush you like the insignificant bug that you are." Tango: [Kea] Lo! I shall crush your head, thus rendering you even more inferior to my perfect self! > Before Kea could act upon his words, though, Rei formed a sphere of > orange light before her mouth as the wailing of a thousand ambient voices filled > the air. Rebecca: So Rei's got Orchestra in her Undies (TM)? Tsuneo: It's gone from the inane to the stupid here. > A beam of orange power shot toward Kea, blue lightning bolts spiraling > around it. Dan: I think someone just got the quad damage. > The beam hit Kea's AT Field and, to her terror, dissipated > harmlessly. Kea laughed maniacally and fired a laser beam from each hand, > hitting Rei in the stomach with each. Rei clutched her stomach in pain and fell > to the ground. All:... Tsuneo: Well so much for that. > Kea stepped forward to finish the job, but something stopped him in > his tracks. He saw Raiu's smashed heart/core floating toward him at about chest > level. Dan: Should it be doing that? Tsuneo: Shouldn't even be there any more. Rebecca: [Rei] Remind me why I even bothered. > An eerie voice spoke in his head. > "Like a phoenix, I rise from the ashes." > "NO!" Kea snarled. Tsuneo: He rebuilds EVAs, changes into a dragon, kills angels with ease and comes back from the dead! What can't he do? Rebecca: This is more predictable than a straight line. Tango: I've known some pretty wild straight lines in my time. > Six lines of light shot out from the heart/core, forming the points > of a hexagon. Kea fired lasers at the heart/core, but the organ simply absorbed > them and healed itself. > "Death has no use for me. Dan: So he got a full refund. > It was so before, and it is so again." Rebecca: 'Cause Stone Cold said so. > "I destroyed you!" Dan: [Raiu] I no-sold. Tsuneo: [Kea] DAMN! > Two more lines shot out, forming what looked like a neck, spine, and > tail. Tango: And a spleen! Can't go without a spleen! Tsuneo: Do you actually know what the spleen does, Tango? Tango: Yessir, tastes good on toast with mayo. Tsuneo: I did *not* need to hear that. > "Human and Angel were merged to create me." Rebecca: Read all about it in the National Enquirer. > "You can't be alive!" Dan: [Raiu] Why not? Tsuneo: [Kea] I killed you! Dan: [Raiu] So what? I killed you in an earlier chapter. Tsuneo: [Kea] Uhm... Damn! > Ten lines grew from the highest point and angled away from Kea, the > two second longest at the top. The longest two were just below and outside > them, hanging limply like tentacles. Rebecca: Tentacles? Tsuneo: Don't even think about it. > "Love and hatred empower me." Dan: So are you a dragon or a presidential candidate on the campaign trail? > "I will destroy you again and again if I have to!" Tango: [Raiu] And I'll just keep coming back to life! Tsuneo: [Kea] Well... okay then. > Four more lines emerged, two at the base of the neck and two at the > base of the tail. Rebecca: Are we meant to be keeping count? > They bent at the midpoint of each, forming a stick figure with arms and legs. Tango: Oh no! He's turned into emergency art guy Dom! > "Justice and revenge give me form." Tsuneo: [Raiu] I am the US legal system. > "I will not be defeated!" Dan: [Raiu] I am Goldberg! Tango: [Kea] I've got a taser. Dan: [Raiu] Damn! > New lines grew from the end of the arms and legs, forming > rudimentary hands and feet. A short line emerged from each shoulder, aiming > away from the heart/core. Dan: And what's Kea doing all this time? Rebecca: Crapping his pants? > "Light and Darkness swirl together as my soul." Rebecca: At this point, he's just scribing stuff straight from Slayers. > "Not by you, of all people!" > Suddenly, millions of lines shot out from the heart/core, creating > the wireframe body of a large dragon with six wings. Tango: How long does it take to draw the models? It's like he's trying to run Unreal II on a 286. > "The blood of the living Avatars, the Evangelions, has resurrected > me." Tsuneo: [Raiu] Even though none was spilled on me... Oh, wait... > The wireframe was filled in with grey. The grey brightened and > darkened alternately, generating an effect similar to a strobe light, Dan: It's a disco dragon! > only > slower. The flashing sped up and became more intense to the points of blinding > light and light swallowing darkness. > "I am Alpha through Omega. The Beginning to the End." Rebecca: The Power and the Glory. Tango: The Diceman and the Walrus. > (Just to clear this part up. I'm an Atheist. Tsuneo: With what you write, I'd think there was no god either. > Alpha and Omega here are nothing more than symbols. Rebecca: They're the beginning and end of the Greek Alphabet. What do you want? > The Beginning to the End is just a quick way of > explaining how powerful Raiu is now. The last thing I need is for my e-mail to > get clogged up with hate mail from people who are pissed at me for possible > religious misunderstandings.) Dan: Uh, you're writing Evangelion fiction and you're worried about religious misinterpretation? > "I don't care what you are!" Kea screamed. "I'll kill you, no matter > how long it takes!! I will prove that I am the greatest!" Tango: [Kea] Somebody better call my mama! > Silver EVA-like armor covered almost all of the dragon form, > blocking most of the flashing. Soon, the entire body was covered with EVA-like > armor. Dan: Raiumon, Digi-Armour Evolve into... HyperboleSomethingRaiumon! > The dragon's eyelids raised, revealing two pools of green light. His > neck, back, and tail were similar to Rei's, but more like EVA armor. Gold armor > plating covered his chest, throat, and abdomen. Tsuneo: Is this description still going? I need a break. Rebecca: [Yawns] Tell me when it ends. > Two cone-like spikes Tango: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone. > angled outward from his shoulders while his six wings Rebecca: We're not overcompensating here or anything. > were dark grey on the inside with silver armor on the backs. Six horns > ringed the back of his head Dan: And each one played a different tinny tune. > from his jaw to just below and behind his eyes. Two > longer horns arced back from above his eyebrows as a pair of gold whip-like > tentacles hung down his neck from just below them. Rebecca: And trust me, Kea noticed. Tsuneo: Hey fic, are you done yet? Dan: Think about it. Do you want it to resume the so-called action? Tsuneo: That's a tough one. > His legs were almost exactly like a Tyrannosaur's, but with longer > toes and armor. His arm blades were the same as before, only serrated and > longer. He was just barely taller than Rei. The blood red scar on his human > form appeared on the armor in the form of a split in the plating, with red skin > underneath. > (Imagine the Summon Materia Bahamut-ZERO from FFVII with EVA style > armor, the arm blades, Tyrannosaur legs, and no nose horn. Tango: As well as the arms of Scott Steiner and the head of Steve Jobs! Rebecca: And the Green Lantern's finger. Dan: Funny, it sounds just like Zeromus in drag. Tsuneo: That one's for the fans. > YES!! I am a Final > Fantasy fan!! And damn proud of it, too!!) Tsuneo: With the amount you've been ripping off, I'd have thought that Legend of Dragoon was more your style. Dan: Mmmm... Rose... [Drools] Rebecca: Case proven. > "You tried to kill Rei twice, killed me once, and otherwise fucked Rebecca: I win. Tsuneo: Damn. > up my life more ways than I want to count. You must pay for your sins, brother. > I am sorry I must do this, though. Terra Flare." Tsuneo: Rip off. Do something original, Raiu. > With that, Raiu fired a beam of black energy from his mouth at Kea. > The power of the blast pushed Raiu's head back, but he continued to fire the > beam. Tsuneo: And Kea's last words were: Dan: [Kea] I should've seen this coming. Tango: [Kea] So that's how they get the Caramilk into the Caramilk bars. Rebecca: [Kea] Oops. > The blast hit Kea in the dead center of his chest and punched through his > body, destroying his heart/core. Kea's body imploded slowly then exploded into > billions of microscopic pieces. Rebecca: And Kea is officially jobbed. Tango [Kea]: I'll get you when I come back to life! Dan: And Raiu shrunk back into a round, pink blob. > Raiu walked over to Rei and kneeled beside her. > She looked up at him weakly. > "Looks like we're back to this position again." Rei stated. Rebecca: [Sniggers] Position! Tsuneo: [Deadpan] Please folks, not in public. > "And here I am, dying again." Tango: Come on, all you need is a human cleric and you'll be fine. Dan: Does anything new or original happen in this fic? > Raiu let loose with a barking laugh before speaking. > "I don't mean to be insensitive, but a few laser blasts to the > stomach won't kill you. You saw Kea survive worse than that. Dan: What, he's still alive? Rebecca: I think he was referring to earlier. That's dead for a whole two chapters. > It hurts like > hell, though. Just concentrate on your stomach healing and it will happen." Tsuneo: [Raiu] Shinji and Asuka are on their own, though. Tango: Does that mean if she concentrates on having an infinite packet of Tim-Tams that would happen too? Dan: No luck. > Rei did as she was told. Rebecca: [Rei] Same as always then. > The wound instantly stopped bleeding and began sealing up. Dan: [Rei] So will that work for cellulite? Tango: Rei has cellulite? Dan: She wants to trim her waist. > She smiled up at Raiu as he helped her to stand. The two > headed for the fallen EVAs and picked them up then carried them to the launch > pads. Rebecca: So what are the EVA pilots doing at the moment? Tango: Playing network hearts. > Once in the docking bay, the two dragons propped the EVAs up in their cages. Dan: There you go, kiddies. Feeding time's at six. > As the pilots were ejected, they stepped back to watch. The three new > pilots walked as close to the dragons as they could on the catwalk and gaped at > them. Rebecca: [Krystal] Wow, you'd think we'd never seen giant techno-organic artificial killing machines before. > Rei glanced around nervously before turning to Raiu. > "Um, how do I return to my human form?" > "Just concentrate on being your gargoyle form right now. Dan: [Raiu] I mean, you're more familiar with your human form, but what the hell. > I'll help you from there." > Rei and Raiu simultaneously shifted into their gargoyle forms in > midair. Tango: So where did the odd eighty tons of mass go? Dan: Subspace! It's always subspace. Tsuneo: Same place as the credibility. > Rei didn't know what to do and almost fell. Raiu dove to her and > caught her. After a few moments of telepathic communication, they flew over to > the catwalk and landed. Everyone had the chance to look at the two in detail Dan: [Raiu] Ah, the simple folk wish to regard our glory. Tango: Have they got those Frankenstein rake things? > as they walked over to see how Shinji and Asuka were doing. Rebecca: Why? they're not important. > Raiu's gargoyle form had changed. The basic form was the same; his > head and hair were still black, but the bangs were now silver; in place of the > body suit was actual EVA armor. Tsuneo: So he's wearing armour fourty times his size? Rebecca: Believe. > The armor also framed his face, leaving only > his face visible. His legs, arms, and wings were the same as his new dragon > form. Dan: So he really doesn't look much like his old gargoyle form after all. Rebecca: And why did his Gargoyle form change anyway? Tango: [Shrugs] 'Cause. > Shinji and Asuka stood up warily from the pools of LCL they'd been laying in. Rebecca: that's not all LCL. Tango: [Shinji] But it's scary out there! > "How you two doin'?" Raiu asked. > The two pilots looked up at Raiu and were surprised to see a female > gargoyle next to him. Dan: How do you tell the difference between a male and female Gargoyle anyway? Tango: Rei's pink. > The two quickly returned to their human forms, startling > Shinji and Asuka. > "Rei?!" Shinji exclaimed. > "Yeah. It's me. I've got the same powers as Raiu now." Dan: [Rei] Innit cool? Rebecca: Except I don't get to use them. > "Mein Gott!" Asuka cried out. "This just keeps getting weirder and > weirder, doesn't it?!" Tsuneo: Lamer and lamer is more like it. > "No changin' that, Asuka." Raiu replied. "Now, would you two mind > introducing us to the new pilots?" Rebecca: That's what we've been asking for. Tsuneo: Well if you'd bothered attending the briefings. > "Oh! Okay." Shinji agreed, the new pilots approaching as he spoke. > "The girl in the yellow suit is Yisiu Sulu, the other girl is Krystal Carson, > and -" Dan: [Shinji] Let's not bother about the other guy, because he's a loser. > "The arrogant little jerk is Chekov Namovi. AKA: oberarche." Tsuneo: What does that mean? Rebecca: Oberarche: lit. bad Germanglish. > Raiu let loose with another barking laugh and looked at Chekov. > "Damn, man! You just got slammed!" Tsuneo: Mind explaining the joke for the rest of us? Tango: We don't matter, we're just the readers. > Everyone but Rei looked at Raiu in surprise. > "What are you talking about?" Krystal asked. Tango: Jus' talking about Shaft. SHAFT! Right on. Dan: He's his own chorus line. > "Rei and I can understand and speak any language after hearing only > two words in that language. Tsuneo: But what if they're words common to several languages? Rebecca: [Raiu] I get a headache. > Go ahead. Try me." > Krystal said something in English that only her and the two shape > shifters understood. Raiu and Rei then had a short conversation with Krystal in > English. Krystal turned to the other pilots and shook her head in amazement. > "Perfect English!" Dan: [Krystal] More or less. But my mother is not a halibut. > Misato came walking up behind the group. > "Alright. Enough of the idle chitchat. Rebecca: [Misato] We've got a world to save here, people. Dan: [Raiu] Can we get coffee first? Rebecca: [Misato] Okay, coffee first, then we save the world. > Let's get down to business. > Raiu. Do you think you could upgrade the rest of the EVAs like EVAs 01 and > 02?" > "No," Raiu stated simply. Dan: [Raiu] But I can overclock them. > "Why?" > "Only EVA-01 and EVA-02 could be upgraded like that. Tsuneo: So what separates EVA-02 from any other mass-production EVA? Dan: It's the GTI model. > For any other > EVA, I can enhance their armor, install an S2 engine, and reconstruct the Entry > Plug. Nothing more." Tango: [Raiu] Maybe I can add a bit of extra Ram, and extra hard drive, maybe overclock the S2 a little bit... > "Then get to work. If any more Angels show up that are as powerful > as those last two, Dan: You mean the ones Asuka and Shinji kicked around like they weren't there? > we'll need all the firepower we can get." [The TV switches off.] Dan: That's it? Tsuneo: He didn't even bother ending the chapter properly. Voice: I suppose it would be too much to expect some surreal, post-modernist reviews? Rebecca: Might as well do them. Tsuneo: This chapter more than anything else showed how stupidly overbearing Raiu was. The new characters were barely introduced, and essentially served no purpose. They were only there to stand around and gape as Raiu does more amazing stuff. Rei gets turned into a dragon, and still doesn't get to accomplish anything except prop up Raiu. Kea gets an upgrade, and it doesn't do anything by highlight how more powerful Raiu is than him. So basically, it all comes down to "did I mention how amazing Raiu is?" Dan: I gotta say, for thew supposed action and suspense, this one was just plain dull. I mean, everything was just so predictable. Raiu has been dominating for so long, you can't imagine the fic going on if he loses or gets killed - not that I'm saying that's a bad thing. So with the stupidly big fight a foregone conclusion, it was just so boring. Rebecca: Kea died. This ruins the only two things I liked in this series. The first was the fact that you knew that whenever kea showed up, he'd be beat senseless by Raiu. The second was that everything, and I mean everything that Kea said or did, or Raiu said or did around Kea could be taken in the wrong way. I will miss kea. He made this fic worth reading. Tango: This story is enough to make me summon the almighty inflatable hammer of censorship! No more shall the small voices cry out, the innocents shall suffer no more as the inflatable hammer goes smash smash smash upon this fic! Wubble! Dan: Hammer of... Never mind. Tsuneo: That's it guys. Time to head off. Tango: Yes, I must be off to fight injustice and all things frilly! Dan: Just a sec, Tango. Tango: What's that? Dan: I was wondering, since you like the comic, do you have any suggestions for it? Rebecca: This might be worth sticking around for. Tsuneo: No chance. [Tsuneo exits] Tango: Well, the first thing you've got to do, is make the main character a hippopotamus. Dan: What? Tango: Except in the Wednesday strip, when he's ordinary except green, but no-one can tell the difference. Dan: I'm not sure that- Tango: Then you've got to change the type font to DOS Prompt, and write the whole thing in l337. Dan: Maybe not. Tango: Start every scene with a command prompt, and spend one strip a month on the virtues of a bunch of bananas as an operating system. [Rebecca laughs and departs. The screen goes blank] Tango: And don't forget about the llamas. Dan: Help me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1999-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1999-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Looks like we're back to this position again."