Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, after a long break, Mystery Ruins Theatre 2135 is back! And now, as a celebration of post-Rubicon madness, we proudly present something special. It's a little something we like to call... Robotech Defenders. "Robotech Defenders" is copyright DC Robotech Defenders is copyright Revell/Harmony Gold ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes for conversion purposes... The names for the mecha in this comic aren't too widely known. However, they're better known as CBs from Fang Sun Dougram, or Battlemechs from Battletech. So here's a handy table to make reading this mess a little easier... Robotech Defenders Dougram Battletech Zoltek Dougram Shadow Hawk Talos Blockhead Wolverine Thoren Roundfacer Griffin Gartan Nasty Thunderbolt Ziyon Ironfoot Battlemaster Aqualo Haddock NA Condar Bushmaster NA Terrain Stalker Tequilla Gunner Goliath ------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the not to distant future, 2135 AD. The nasty Louisa Chang Was hatching an evil scheme. She targeted a girl named Sandra, The Earth President who ran the place. She had a roll for her to fill, So she bopped her on the head and shot her into space! [Louisa singing now] I'll send her crappy comics, The worst that I can find, [La La La] I'll force her to watch them all, And she'll go out of their minds! [La la la] [Original singers] Now keep in mind she can't control when the comic begins or ends. So she'll have to sit and riff them all, with the help of her redneck friends. RUINS ROLL CALL! Sandra! (The Pres!) Matt! (Don't mind me!) Sean! (I'm the best!) Kara! (I'm the cute one!) If you're wondering how they eat and breath, And other science facts. Repeat to yourself "It's just a MSTing" "I really should relax!" For Mystery Ruins Theatre 2135! Monday, 11:03 am The four crewmembers of the Satellite of Rednecks were sitting around the coffee table on the SoR's bridge, discussing a topic that had been troubling them. In the weeks since CABAAL's horrific experiment, every aspect of Sentinels: Rubicon had been battered back and forth, the subject if scrutiny, deconstruction and general abuse. Every aspect, bar one, that is. At present, the four of them were busy trying to come to grips with that one subject. It wasn't easy. "Well I say it was the Invid" Sean stated, sipping his coffee. "It does make the most logical sense." "I'll admit that it's a possibility" Sandra replied. "I mean, the energy phoenix they did at the end of Symphony of Light could become a great big glowing white thing in space that goes EEEEE. However, there is one problem with that idea." "Which is?" Kara asked, curious as to what would be the problem with the obvious answer. "That it does make perfect sense." Sandra replied. "In any other comic, sure, I'd go with that. However, in a totally tooled up postmodernist heap of carp like Rubicorn, it just doesn't work." "Interesting." Matt commented as he stirred his tea, noting her deliberate mispronunciation of the name. "So what do you think it was?" "Well, most likely it was some authour created all-powerful cosmic entity which was going about blowing stuff up for the simple hell of it." She sipped her cappuccino. "The REF would have had to build some super whizzo spaceship and an all-mighty prototype VF with many hundreds of main body MDC to defeat it. And even then, only JC could do it." "I suppose that makes sense, given AP's past track record on their stories" Kara responded. "Unfortunately, it still makes too much sense" Matt noted. "That would still fit in with some sort of consistent story or theme in the comic, which wouldn't be entirely appropriate for Rubicon." "I'll admit that consistency is an inappropriate element for it." Sandra admitted. "So what do you think it was?" "Well" Matt began, sitting back in his chair with a Tim Tam. "I think it was Marvel's classic third-rate Spider Man villain, Will O' The Wisp." He munched on the chocolate biscuit and continued. "A twink with density control powers who wizzes around in a ball of light and gets unfavourably compared to such greats of Spidey's foes as Walrus and The Gibbon." "Yeah, but he couldn't destroy an entire fleet on his own" Sean noted. "He could if he teamed up with Spot and The Kangaroo." Matt finished. "It's a nice theory, I'll admit" Kara replied. "And it is totally FUBARed, which makes sense for Rubicon." She sipped her coffee. "However, I have my own idea of what it was, if you'll give me a chance." "Go on" Sandra began. "I'm interested to hear what you have to say on this one." "Well, I think that we're looking at it the wrong way." Kara began. It's not a tangible object per se, but in fact a manifestation of the fan's rage and hatred towards AP and their treatment of the Robotech licence. The glowing white thing destroys the REF fleet, representing the way that the fans angrily lashed out at AP and heaped scorn on them for their comics. The REF cannot comprehend what it is, in much the same way that AP cannot comprehend why the fans didn't like them. After all, they printed in colour." She finished, putting down her mug. "So what do you think?" There was a pause. "I think trying to get you to a high-school reading level was a bad idea" Matt finished. "In the meantime, I've got something interesting for you guys" Sandra said, holding up a print-out. "Is it a way out of here?" Kara eagerly asked. "Fraid not." Sandra replied. "It's actually a fanmail on one of the earlier experiments, specifically, Aftermath" "Oh really?" Sean asked. "Who's it from?" "Bruce Lewis himself" Sandra replied. There was a shocked silence. After a moment, Matt spoke. "So, ah, what did he say?" "Well let's see." Sandra began. > Hey guys, > > I don't usually care for MSTing on line, but I gotta give you guys kudos > for the Aftermath MSTing thing. It was LOL funny! Good work taking the > piss out of my (admittedly awful) ROBOTECH comics. > > All I can plead is "I did the best I could at the time!" > > Sincerely, > > Bruce Lewis > Cheap Disposable Entertainment, Inc. "Well." Kara began. "Well." Sean added. "Well." Matt finished. "I'll admit that it's an honour to be congratulated by the authour of a professional work on the job you did on demolishing it" Sandra said. "Has it ever happened to you?" Sean asked. "No." Sandra replied. "Do you think I've ever been imprisoned on a satellite and forced to read crappy comics or other works before?" There was another long silence. "It's a possibility" Matt said. "A remote one, but one nonetheless" Sean added. "Of course, you could tell us." Kara finished. They all looked at Sandra expectedly. "What?" Sandra asked. "Do you want me to give away everything?" Before anyone could reply, the Mad's light began flashing. "Saved by the morons" Sandra muttered as she hit the button. The screen activated in a blurr of static, and then cleared to reveal Louisa and Carla, both beaming like morons. (Which, truth being told, wasn't too far off the mark.) "Good morning, drones." Louisa began, a smug tone clearly evident in her voice. "And how's things up on your little piece of orbiting refuse?" "Well, the lack of atmosphere is a bit of a pain." Sandra replied. "How's things going being on the run on the polluted, irradiated, contaminated wastelands of Earth?" "Good... wait a minute!" Louisa replied, angry at having been baited. "It's just fine!" Carla bouncily replied. "Just yesterday we put on our hazard suits and went out sunbathing." "She's joking, right?" Matt quietly asked. "I hope so." Kara replied. "Aaaaaaanyway," Louisa started, desperately trying to reagin her composure. "Today I have something special for you guys. But before we get to that, I want to see what's in the invention exchange." "Sure" Matt began as Sean hurriedly rushed off-screen. "We had a bit of a debate over what to do. Sean wanted something practical, while Kara wanted something edible." "I was hungry at the time" She muttered. "Anyway, in the spirit of the United Nations," Sandra continued. "We reached an unsatisfactory compromise." Sean walked back in, wearing a rather bulky suit of body armour. "Have you ever wished you'd spent some of the money you blew on firearms and armour on some supplies instead?" He began. "Well, we've solved that with edible body armour!" Kara took a chunk off one of the forearms and had a bite. "It comes in several flavours" she muttered, finishing her mouthful. "Including steak, chicken, bacon and several vegetarian options." "Sadly, it spoils easily and doesn't keep too well" Sandra finished. "Useless" Louisa muttered. "I'd happily eat it if you were wearing it" Carla added. Louisa glared at her then bopped her on the head. "Get the invention." "Right!" Carla bounced off the screen. "As usual, I have to do all the thinking around here." Louisa muttered. "I've actually managed to dream up something useful for taking over the world, rather than some frivolous accessory." Carla bounced back in, carrying a metal globe. "Here ya' go!" "Careful you dolt!" Louisa sneered, snatching the globe from Carla, holding it tightly and stroking it in a disturbingly affectionate way. "Some plot devices get all the luck" Carla muttered. "This is my latest, and greatest, world domination device" Louisa began. "Using mutant bacteria found on an old lunch, combined with radiation and chemical treatments and a few revs of the Deus Ex Machine-" "My head still hurts from that" CABAAL muttered. "Shut up." Louisa snapped. CABAAL muttered darkly. "Anyway, I created a customised bacteria that will make me ruler of the world!" She laughed manically. "What does it do?" Sandra dryly asked. "This should be good." Matt muttered. "Well, I'm glad you asked, minions." Louisa continued. "Once launched, this probe will detonate, spreading the bacteria across the planet. Once humans breathe it in, they will be de evolved into primitive apes. Then, I shall emerge from my subterranean fortress and rule the world." "Pretty brilliant, huh?" Carla asked. "Uhh..." Was the response from three of the SoR's inhabitants. "A nice plan, with just three minor drawbacks." Sandra replied. "Firstly, you don't have rocket to launch it from. Second, most of Earth's inhabitants live in sealed, airtight arcologies and wouldn't be affected." She smiled smugly. "And the third one is this. Why on earth would you want to rule over a bunch of damned dirty apes." "Point" Louisa threw the capsule aside. Carla rushed to catch it. "Now that that's over..." Louisa began, trying to regain her composure. "I've got something special for you." "That bodes" Sean muttered. "I thought that since the head fed you Rubicon, the *last* Robotech comic ever, I'd feed you the *first*." Louisa smugly stated. "But we already did Megastorm" Kara replied. "No, before that." "Maybe she means Eternity's Sentinels #1" Matt commented. "That's not bad. Certainly throwing it at us won't work" "No, before that." "Uh, Comico's Robotech, the Macross Saga #1?" Sean asked. "It's crappy art, sure, but an okay adaptation." "No!" Louisa shouted, bashing her fist on the desk. Carla lept away. "Before that even!" There was silence on the bridge. "Uh, was there anything before that?" Matt asked Sandra. She nodded gravely. "Bad?" She nodded again. "Yes, boobies!" Louisa manically began. "Today you face a Robotech comic so old that it isn't even actually Robotech!" She laughed. "Tell them what they've won, CABAAL." "Certainly." CABAAL continued. "This is an interesting Pre-Crisis DC Artefact called 'Robotech Defenders.'" "The early eighties..." Sandra muttered. "A shameful and ugly time." "You betcha!" Carla chirped in. "It's really, really awful!" "Should I be worried by the cheery way she said that?" Kara asked. Sean nodded. "An now, on with the show!" Louisa laughed. "Push the button, Carla!" "Pushing the button, Boss!" Carla relied as she pushed the button. Lights and sirens went off across the bridge. "Well, the worst has come to the worst! We've got comic sign!" Sandra shouted as the ran towards the theatre. [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes up and you proceed.] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks open and you proceed] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You force it open and proceed] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. You swing it open and proceed] [Sandra walks in and sits down on the far left. Sean sits next to her, and Kara next to him. Matt sits down on the right] Matt: I thought you said Rubicon was the Worst of the Worst. Sandra: This is too, but in a completely different kind of way. > [City with huge ship overhead, fighters buzzing around it. There is a > statue in front of the city] Sean: The city of Townsville... is being attacked! Kara: Hey, they've got a Mayan temple. > To the people of Zoltek, an end to war is coming. Sandra: And in only the first page too. Must be a short war. > It comes swooping out > of the skies, determined to deliver it's singular, deadly message. Matt: Eat at Joes. > Nothing, least of all a tiny fighter squadron, can stop it. For the > innocent people of Zoltek, the war will soon be over. But for the > ROBOTECH DEFENDERS Kara: Okay, okay, no need to shout about it. > The war is about to begin! > Malek [V/O]: Malek to tactical squadron -- looks like Zoltek city is > their primary target! Sean: Could the way it's hanging right over the city have been what gave it away? > This is our last chance to stop them! Don't know > how the Grelons got their slimy claws on a battle cruiser that > sophisticated -- but it's a safe bet they didn't build it themselves Kara: How do you know? Maybe they kitbashed it out of household goods. > -- but we've got to blow it out of the skies! > [Dex in cockpit] > Dex: Easier said than done, Malek m'dear -- that ship's defences are > centuries ahead of even our technology. Sean: They're up to Advanced Technology III. > [Ship over city] Sandra: I guess their "advanced technology" doesn't include weapons that work beyond visual range. > Dex [V/O]: I've got my hands full just avoiding their fire! Matt: Two fighters against a Star Destroyer? > [Malek in cockpit] > Malek: Can it, Dex! They've got to have a weak spot -- and it's up to > the elite tactical squad to find it! Sandra: How do you know they have a weak spot? Is it possible that they've managed to build a super-advanced starship that *doesn't* have a ridiculous weakness? Sean: But it's got a big red spot on the side saying "Weak spot". Sandra: That's different. > Follow me in! Kara: Anyone got a better idea? Sean: We break for lunch? > THE GATHERING Matt: Magic. > Writer: Andrew Helfer > Penciller: Judith Hunt > Inkers: Murray Anderson and Dan Jolnerowitch. > Letterer: Ben Oda > Colourist: Bob Le Rose > Editor: Barry Marx Sandra: None of these people were ever seen again. > [Malek's fighter firing at ship, Grelon - a small green lizard-man - in > foreground] Kara: And he's naked too. Ewww. > Malek: There's our opening! Sandra: Well what do you know. They did have a ridiculous weakness in their super advanced ship. My mistake. Sean: Told you. > SFX: PEEOOOWWWWW > SFX: BLAM! > Grelon: Skreee! Matt [Grelon]: And that's my only line. > [Fighters over ship] > Dex [V/O]: Some good that did! You only made 'em angry! Kara: Oh, so they weren't angry before? What were they trying to do then, just kill you for the heck of it? > Malek [V/O]: For once I think you're right, Dex All: For once. Matt: Who are these guys? Sandra: Nobody we know or care about. Matt: Seriously, who are they? Sandra: The main characters of this comic. Matt: You're right. No one we know or care about. > -- Their missile bay's opening > -- looks like they're ready to make their move! Kara: They could be opening it for fun. Sean: Heh, their missile is hanging out. Kara: Well the gunners are naked and all... > [Ship firing missile at city] Matt [Major "King" Kong]: Yeeeeeee-haw! Yee haw haw haw! Sean: This is the point where you need the JLA. Sandra: Stuff the JLA, this calls for the Authority. > Dex [V/O]: And here it comes! Malek-- dive! Sandra: No, away from the explosion... > Malek [V/O]: No!! It's heading for the city! It-- > [Huge explosion, Malek's cockpit in the foreground] > SFX: KABLOOM Sandra: So they wait until they're within spitting distance to fire their nuclear missile? I thought you said this ship had advanced technology. Matt: It's advanced, it's just that the crew are stupid. > Malek: Nooo... nooo > [City ruins in flames, robot statue in foreground] Matt: Okay, so they blew up your whole city. On the upside, your lawn ornament survived. > Moments Later... Sean: Meanwhile, in the same scene. > Malek [V/O]: There's nothing left... ...nothing left at all. Kara: ...Save for this one profound reminder of this tragedy, a battered child's teddy bear. > Pilot [V/O]: Correction, squadron leader -- one structure remains -- Kara: Mr. Yummy's hot dog cart. > --the ancient colossus of Zoltek! Sean: So do they have a "don't blow up cultural relics" switch on their megaweapon or something? Sandra: Them and the Bodolza fleet. Matt: No, what happened was the Zoltek Government trademarked it. In the end they had to settle for blowing up the Generic World Famous Statue. > [Malek in cockpit] > Malek: I see it now, Eedon -- and it's a miracle! Matt: Of course, everyone you know or cared about is dead. But the statue survived so that's fine! > All units -- prepare to land! Sandra: Well, yes, when my home city's just been nuked the first thing that occurs to me is to land in the radioactive ruins. Matt: Speaking from experience? Sandra: Surprisingly, yes. > [Fighters landing] > Dex [V/O]: Land? Now? What about the Grelons? Kara: Yeah, and what about Raven? What about Raven? > Malek [V/O]: Never mind them, Dex-- just follow my order! Sean [Dex]: Okay, boss, but when we all get killed by a follow-up attack, don't come crying to me. > [Malek and Dex in front of their fighters] > And soon... Sandra: One transition later. > Dex: Malek, there better be a good reason for bringing us all down here Kara [Malek]: I lost my contact lens. > while those Grelons take off-- --we still had a chance to hurt 'em back! Matt: With what? Spitballs? Sandra: I think Dex's masculinity feels threatened. > Malek: That's a lie, Dex-- and you know it! Sean [Dex]: Is not. Kara [Malek]: Is too. Sean [Dex]: Is not. Kara [Malek]: Is too. Sean [Dex]: Is not. Kara [Malek]: Is too. Sean [Dex]: Malek's being a poo-poo-head. > [Malek] > Malek: We already sustained heavy losses. Their battle cruiser was far more > sophisticated than anything we could ever hope to achieve. Face it pilot, > we were outclassed. Sean: On the other hand, they're only little green naked guys. That's gotta count for something. > [Dex throws down his helmet, Dex, Eedon - a reptilian man with a large crest > on his head Matt: Why isn't he wearing a flightsuit? Sandra: Never mind that. How does he wear a helmet over his crest? > - and Icik - A furry white bear-man - nearby] Kara: So you're name's "Ick?". Someone really hated you. > Dex: great! > Eedon: Malek is correct, Dex. But I remain puzzled -- Grelons are said > to be of primitive technological means? Where did they get such devices? Kara: I blame the Precursor Races. Everything can be put down to them. Sean: Maybe they got it off a Wandering Barbarian Diplomat. > Icik: The where don't matter much now, Eedon-- Sean: Where did you say the Grelons got their ship from? Matt: I- Sean: It doesn't matter where the Grelons got their ship from! > [Icik close-up] All: Ick! > Icik: --As far as I'm concerned, the only thing we oughta worry about is > how we're going to nail those slimy murderers! Sandra: You could ask them nicely not to do it again. > [Arkos - a Pterodactyl-man - Silky - a green-skinned woman - Scal - a > hairy monkey-man Sean: This is what Mojo Jojo did before he got famous. I heard he tried to buy up every issue and have them destroyed. > - and Icik] Matt: Pretty diverse range of races represented here. Sandra: Are there any One-Legged Gagwallers? > Silky: A good question, Icik-- ---Since the survival of all our > homeworlds depends upon a satisfactory answer! Sandra: What's with the weird use of the hyphens in this comic? Kara: Maybe the writer just found the key and wanted to use it as much as possible. > [Dex and Malek] > Dex: And I bet the answer isn't just around the corner, right, squadron leader? Matt: Try round the corner and down the street. > Malek: I-- I-- > [Malek walks off, others in the background] > Dex: Whoops. [They all applaud] Matt: Well done there. Kara: First class sensitivity towards someone who's hometown just got nuked. Sandra: Idiot. > Eedon: Let her go, Dex. You have already said enough -- perhaps too > much. Sandra: You know you're in trouble when the guy with a fin on his head is the voice of reason. Matt: I think what they're trying to say here is that Dex is a dickhead. > [Malek in front of city ruins, statue in background] Sean: How much do you reckon we could get for it? > Lost in bitter thoughts, Malek wanders to the gates of the once-proud > city of Zoltek, where... Sandra: Nothing happened. > Malek: How can I face my pilots and tell them it's hopeless! All: Delgate! Kara [Malek]: Dex, your job is to tell them it's hopeless. Sean [Dex]: Gee, thanks boss. > Tell them we're beaten -- Sean: I think they guessed that allready. Even Dex. > that all the United Worlds Confederation has strived for > is about to be washed away! Matt: That's nice. Just one question, who are the United Worlds Confederation? Kara: Uh, a humano-centric Federation of worlds? Sandra: No, that's the Federation from Star Trek. Sean: Then are they a Republic ruled by an ineffectual senate? Sandra: No, that's the Galactic Republic from Star Wars. Kara: So are they an alliance of stellar nations and occupied territories? Sandra: No, that's the Star League from Battletech. Sean: So are they a collection of small worlds banded together to gain political power? Sandra: No, that's the League of Non-Aligned Worlds from Babylon 5. Matt: So are they a post-apocalyptic government allied with a few dodgey third- world nations? Sandra: That's us. Matt: Oh yeah. > I should have known the Grelons were trouble > the minute I landed on that cold, dark planet of theirs to make our first > contact. Matt: I guess you should have listened to the big "Beware of the dog" sign they put around on the planet. Sandra: That and all the battlecruiser hulks they had propped up on bricks in their yard. > [Group of Grelons in a cave, ship in background] Sean: They look like AD&D Kobolds. > Malek [V/O]: "The UWC had dedicated itself to peaceful cooperation with > all planets in our system - - and although we suspected the Grelons of > being barbarians, we felt compelled to extend a friendly hand to them." Sandra: Okay everyone, here comes the vital backstory in flashback format. Pay attention, this will all be important. > [Malek with a group of Grelons, one with a scar] Matt: I guess he gets to be the leader because he's got the butch scar and the gnawed bone of authority. > Malek [V/O]: "A chill ran down my spine when the Grelon leader > telepathically introduced himself..." > Grelon Leader: Greetings alien -- I am called Ssegma. Sean: That's close to being dirty. Sandra: So on a planet where everyone has a telepathic lisp, their leader's name begins with an "S?" That is cruel. > Malek: "The voice in my head repulsed me. Kara: What do you know, he was being played by Spike Spencer. > I wanted to get out of there -- fast! Matt: Running from first-level opponents? That's a major hit to the party's honour factor. > Instead--" > [Large council chambers] Kara [Malek]: We took them to lunch. > Malek: "--A trio of Grelon ambassadors were bought here to Zoltek, > headquaters of the UWC. After weeks of debate, a decision was made..." Matt: Rhubarb rhubarb soda water diplomatic rhubarb. > Diplomat: Resolved: That the UWC will provide the Grleon with the > technology needed to improve their world. Sandra: In exchange for giving them the secret of the Automobile, the Grelons promise not to make Dzzzt on them. Matt: There are only five people in the world who will get that and I doubt any of them would be reading this. Kara: Reading? > [Three angry Grelons] Sean: Three Angry Grelons, coming this fall from Nikelodeon. > Malek [V/O]: "But the Grelons had other ideas..." Matt [Grelon]: We want favoured nation status! > Grelon: No! Our world iss hosstile -- dessolate-- Kara: And butt-ugly. > Itss decay cannot be allayed! Sandra: I guess these guys don't have anything like the Prime Directive. > Therefore, we resolve: To leave Grelon and colonizze other > worldss in this ssystem! Kara [Sarcatic]: Oh, help. The Grelons have decalred war on us. > Malek [V/O]: "The UWC refused the demand..." Sean: Oh help; we're being threatened by half hit-dice monsters. Sandra: Make Dzzzt, not war! [She sniggers] Matt: You and your in-jokes... > [Grelons psychically attacking ambassadors] > Malek [V/O]: "...And that's when the Grelons went wild! Deadly mind > stings lashed out at the unsuspecting planetary ambassadors! Sean: ...Half hit-dice monsters with the power to telekinetically explode your head, mind you. > Ambassador: Aieee!! > Ambassador: Yearrghh! Sandra [Bored]: Gnyarg. > Malek [V/O]: "In all, twenty-two ambassadors were murdered." > [Troops entering the room] Matt: You enter the assembly hall. There are twenty two dead ambassadors lying at their tables and a bunch of Grelons standing around them. One of the Grelons has a gnawed bone. Sean: Have we got any Mountain Dew? > Malek [V/O]: We gassed the room to knock the Grelons out and then..." > Soldier: Orders are to deliver these creeps back to Grelon and leave > 'em there -- all diplomatic ties are to be severed! Sandra: So the worst you're going to do to them for multiple murder is send them home? Matt: Well it does mean going back to their fellow Grelons. Sandra: Too true. > Hopefully this is the last we'll ever see of 'em. > Malek [V/O]: "and it was..." Kara: Until the sequel, that is. > [Huge battleship flying over mountains, burning city in the background] > Malek [V/O]: "...Until two weeks ago when the Grleons returned -- Matt: Grelon II, the Sequel! > with a vengeance. Without warning, they used their newfound technology > to attack and decimate the capital of the mountain-planet Thoren. > No demands. No ultimatums. Matt: No shirt, no shoes, no service. > Who could have known--" > [Malek sitting on the foot of the statue] Sandra: Are we all finished Expositing now? > Malek: --That my homeworld was next in line? Matt: Maybe it's the next-nearest planet. Sean: Maybe they just didn't like it. > Now all that's left of > Zoltek is the mysterious stone colossus that once served as the entrance > to the city-- Kara: And it's sole tourist attraction. > -- a stone statue that stood in this desert for a hundred > thousand years before my people even existed! Matt: This sounds like the ancient astronauts at work again. Sandra: True. How else would primitive people have moved such heavy blocks of stone? Sean: Whips. Really big whips. > It was a symbol of hope Matt: Our last, best chance for peace. > To the ancient Zoltekian elders Kara: Heh... She said Zoltekian... > who built their city around it-- --but > now, the statue is all that's left of their dreams, and even it is > showing signs of wear! Sean: It's no longer mint in box, so there goes most of the collector's value. Now if it was a variation, I could give you something for it. > [Stone flakes off the statue revealing metal behind it] Kara: And a chewy caramel centre. > SFX: Crriincch!! Sandra: -That stole Christmas. > Malek: What th-- The Colossus's leg! It-- it's crumbling! Sean: I guess they just don't make enigmatic ten-thousand year old statues like they used to. > [Malek chipping away at statue] > Malek: There's metal under here! Gods of Zoltek! Matt: Sweet mother of god in a sidecar with an order of Chocolate Jimmys and a lobster bib! > The stone's chipping > off in my hands like old paint... and there's some kind of door-- Matt: What kind of door? Sandra: Some kind of door, obviously. Matt: Obviously > [Malek pressing red button] Sean: here did that red button come from anyway? > Malek: --Complete with doorbell! Well... Kara: The enigmatic aliens installed a joke musical doorbell. So much for instilling us with a sense of awe. > [Malek in small room] Matt: So they put a walk-in wardrobe in a giant statue's leg? Sandra: Those wacky Precursors. > Malek: I'm in-- but I still can't believe it! None of our people ever > suspected it! Sandra: You mean to tell me that in a hundred thousand years nobody ever once thought to try and find out what this statue was made of or where it came from? Matt: The Zoltekians may have been an advanced race, but they were also damned stupid. Kara: You said Zoltekian. > Uh-oh! The door's going down... > [Malek in lift] > Malek: ...And I'm going up-- but to where? Sean [Menacing]: You are going... to floor Twelve A! > [Malek in cockpit] > Malek: A cockpit! But those controls are unlike any I've ever seen! Sandra: You mean your fighters don't have joysticks, dials and screens? Matt: They control their planes with a trackball. > [Malek sitting in pilots chair] Kara [Malek]: This anybody's seat? No? Okay... I guess... > Malek: Might as well give it a shot-- pressing a few buttons can't hurt-- All: Famous last words. > [Malek, scared] > SFX: RRRRRR > Malek: Or can it? > [Statue crumbles to reveal Zoltek - squad members fleeing in the > foreground] Sandra: Oh, now you've done it, Malek. You've gone and broken the colossus. They're going to take it out of your pay. Kara: How much does a hundred thousand year old statue cost anyway? Matt: Hey, uh, there weren't any guns on the statue, so where are it's guns coming from? > Eedon: Take cover! The colossus is crumbling-- Sean: I guess the best thing to do now would be to quietly leave and hope that nobody blames you. > the missile must have weakened it more than we suspected! > Dex: But Malek-- she was heading toward the statue-- > Icik: Wait-- look at it! > [Squad standing in front of Zoltek] > Akros: The colossus-- it's changed! Matt: Spaceball One has now become... MEGAMAID! > Eedon: So it appears, Arkos. It is as if the stone surrounding it were > just a sheath-- a second skin-- which has just been shed! Sandra [Documentary voice]: In the summer, the Zoltekian Colossus sheds it's winter coat for a lighter one to better blend in with it's surroundings. Kara: Heh... Zoltekian... Matt: Sigh. > It stood before us for more than a hundred millennia... Sandra: This is the point where Planetary shows up in their black helicopter. Matt: Well, maybe this is their logo variation for the issue. > and we never suspected that the > ancient monolith was- Sean: Edible? Kara: Made out of play-doh? Matt: Hygienically sealed for your protection? Sandra: A Dougram CB? > Scal: --A robot! A bloody robot! Sandra: I win! > [Malek being zapped by funky headwear] Sean: It's either frying her brain or doing her hair. > While inside said robot... > Malek: Uh! This robot is booby-trapped! It's holding me in place > --and frying my brain! Kara: Don't be so harsh on it! That may be just it's way of saying hello! > [Malek looking at on-screen display of solar system] > But when the mental "attack" suddenly subsides... > Malek: Don't know exactly what those brain clamps did to me, but I seem > to understand how this machine operates now-- Sean: So it's got a "Get into robot" button and a "Learn to operate robot" button? What next, a "Fight for you" button? > --Well enough to know that's our solar system on this monitor! Sandra: The labels on the pictures helped a little. > [Malek, with pictures of the planets of the system - Talos, Aqualo, > Thoren, Condar, Gartan, Ziyon and Zoltek] All: SIG JION! > Malek: Now what? It's giving me close-ups-- pinpointing a particular > region on each planet. Kara: Planet Thoren's pink and purple. I wonder if they're into drugs down there. Sean: Well, Scal's from there and he does kind of look like a hippie... > The last planet's Zoltek, and the point corresponds > to my location -- only it's glowing red! Sean: That's because it's raspberry flavoured. > [Malek looking down from cockpit at squad] Kara [Malek]: I'm huge! > Malek: I've got a hunch I know what it means, but it can wait. Sandra: Don't care to give us a clue? > Right now, > I'd better use my com-link to tell the squadron that I'm okay. They look > positively petrified down there! Sean: I think Dex just wet himself. > Malek [V/O]: Tactical Team! This is Malek! I'm inside the colossus and > have discovered it to be mechanically operational! Kara: I think they guessed that from the fact that it turned into a huge robot. > [Zoltek, squad in foreground] > Scal: Mechanically operational? You mean you can make it move? Sandra: Well, not so much make it move, more of "wave the arms around a bit". Matt: Damn. We got a McFairline robot. > Malek: More then that, Scal-- Kara [Malek]: I got the coffee machine working! > just watch! > [Zoltek launches] Sean: To infinity... and beyond! > Malek: Its as if I've been given subconscious a crash course! I can > operate this robot like I've had months of training-- --And I know > exactly what to do on this flight test! Sean: Buzz the control tower? Kara: Give a MiG the finger? Matt: Steal it and fly it to Russia? Sandra: Spread it across the Nevadan desert? > [Dex] > Dex: I hope I'm wrong, but I think she's going after the Grelons in > that thing! All: Oh. > [Zoltek in space behind Grelon ship] Matt: Hey you, in the battle cruiser! Pull over! You've got a faulty brake light! > And sure enough... > Malek: Incredible! It took me only minutes to catch up to that Grelon > battle cruiser! Sandra: Well, they are only doing fifty. Matt: They would have gotten further, but they left the trunk open. > Instinctively, I seem to know that this robot contains tremendous firepower... Kara: That and all the big guns it's got. > [Malek in cockpit] > Malek: But there's only one way to be sure! Sean: Let's blow stuff up! > [Turret firing at Zoltek] > SFX: SPEEORR > Malek: Uh-oh! I've been spotted! So much for the element of surprise! Matt: What do you know, they installed a rear-view mirror on their ship. > I guess I'll have to be content with the knowledge-- > [Zoltek firing at ship] > SFX: Vreeeee-- WOOOM! > Malek: --That this is gonna be an encounter that the Grelons will never > forget! Sean: Well, that is until you blow them all up. > This one's for the people of Zoltek, you murderers!! Kara [Malek]: Except for that guy Bob from down the street. I never liked him. > [Grelons exploding] Kara: Wait, that one's got clothes on. Sean: Maybe that's the difference between enlisted and officer Grelons. The officers don't go around naked. Sandra: Maybe they've just got a *very* casual uniform code. > Grelon: Skreeee! > Malek: Wow! These guns sliced through those flexi-turrets like a hot > knife through butter! > [Malek] > Malek: And If they could do that to reinforced bunkers-- Sandra: That wasn't a reinforced bunker! It was just a glass bubble on the side. > [Zoltek firing at ship] > Malek: --I can just imagine what it can do to that exposed propulsion > system! Matt: Wait... so their super-advanced battleship has ridiculously exposed engine? What kind of super-technology crap is this? Sandra: Well, the Threat Value was a little high, so they took the "Exposed Movement System" flaw and hoped that nobody would notice. > [Grelon crew, explosions in background] Kara: So you shoot the engines and stuff on the bridge blows up? Sean: Why not? It happens all the time on Star Trek. > Grelon: Excellency! Our secondary navigational thrusters-- they've been > destroyed! > Ssegma: What?! That's impossible!! Matt [Ssegma]: And we only just got it out of warranty! > [Extreme close-up on Ssegma] All: Eeeeeew! > Ssegma: The S'landri assured us that ourss was the most powerful force > in thiss ssystem! Matt: Well, I guess they were wrong. Sandra: Pay attention, folks! There is a vital plot point going on here. Sean [Munching popcorn]: Sorry, did you say something? Sandra: Don't worry about it. Got any more of that? > [Zoltek over ship, firing] > Ssegma [V/O]: We are indestructible! Sandra: And when you say that, your death is immanent. Just ask Khorah. > Blow that machine out of space now! > Malek: Once I swing round and take out their other engine, they'll be > helpl-- > [Blast hits Zoltek] Matt: ...evidentially not. > SFX: BAWOOM! > Malek: Yeow! They must really be mad! I actually felt that one! Kara: There's only one thing to do in a situation like this. Sean: That is? Kara: Get drunk. Sean: Good plan. > [Malek in cockpit, inverted] > Malek: And so did my robot -- it's gyro systems have gone haywire! Matt: No, I think that's just your driving. > [Zoltek spinning down towards planet] > Malek: I've lost control! > Grelon: The Robot has been rendered inoperative, sire-- We return to > Grelon in victory! Sean [Grelon]: Uh, sir, we only winged that robot... It's merely out of control, and not destroyed or anything... We might want to be more thorough about destroying it. Matt [Ssegma]: Listen, who's the boss around here? Sean [Grelon]: You are, sir. Matt [Ssegma]: Who wields the gnawed bone of authority? Sean [Grelon]: You do, sir. Matt [Ssegma]: So shut up! Sean [Grelon]: Yes, sir. > [Rubble of city, people emerging from an underground shelter, Zoltek > standing over the scene] Sean: Oh, so they didn't kill everyone with that Nuke after all. Kara: No, they just hit an abandoned part of the city. [They both snigger] > But, unknown to the Grelons, Malek does manage to regain control of > her robot and return to Zoltek where--] Sandra: One quick transition later... > Malek: ...So that's where it stands, troops-- Matt: Right behind you? > [Squad] > Malek: --We're down, but we're not out yet. Matt: Bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded, scores tied. Sandra: And then the Cubs loose again. Matt: You're obsessed with that team. Sandra: Their number one fan. > I believe the robot's > planetary maps indicate the presence of similar fighting machines > hidden on each of our planets-- Kara: Actually, they're pointing out the washrooms. > Dex: --And since we've done just about all we can to help Zoltek > city's survivors, Sean: Say, uh, what have you done? Sandra: Well... we let them... stand in the shade behind Zoltek. > you're suggesting that we split up to find them, > right? Matt [Dex]: Okay, gang, we'll split up. Malek and Silky will look in the basement, while Eedon and I look in the attic. [Sandra elbows him] Er, I mean, Malek and I will look in the attic, Silky and Eedon in the basement. > [Malek] > Malek: Do we really have a choice, Dex? Sandra: Wouldn't be much of a comic otherwise. Matt: We're in origin story land now. I expect at least one of them to get a magic ring from a dying alien. > One robot made the Grelons nervous-- Sean: Well, they only have an 8- morale. > --with six more, we can make them hurt! Are you all with > me? > [Eedon] > Malek: Edon? > Eedon: You need not ask, Malek. Lead and I shall follow. Sean: Is Malek that much of an inspirational leader? Kara: From what I've seen, no. Sean: So why do they follow her? Kara: Look at the options. > [Akros] > Malek: Akros? > Akros: When do we leave? Matt: Soon as dad gets the car running. Sean: I'll be inside with War and Peace. > [Scal] > Malek: Scal? Kara: After they cancelled the Superfriends, this was all Gleek could get. > Scal: After what the Grelons did to my homeworld of Thoren? I'm ready. Sean: Why are these guys being introduced only now? Sandra: I think we'd forget all about them otherwise. > [Icik] > Malek: Icik? > Icik: I'd give anything to sink my teeth into some Grelon flesh! All: Eeeeew! Kara: Ick, even. > [Silky] > Malek: Silky? > Silky: I only hope we can find these machines of salvation! Sean: Ah have seen the light! These are the machines of salvation! The Lard be praised! Hal-a-looyah! Kara: Please make all your cheques payable to the First Church of Zoltek, care of a post office box in Brazil. > [Dex] > Malek: Well, Dex? > Dex: Let's ship out! Sandra [Malek]: I call dibs on the window seat. Matt [Dex]: Damn. > [Eedon walking through Swamp] Sean: So Eedon's from Florida? > Hours later, Eedon forges his way through the dense vegetation of his > swamp-like homeworld of Talos... Sandra: Oh no... please tell me we're not going for monoclimatic planets. Matt: Well, it is an eighties sci-fi cliché, and I think we've hit every one of them so far. Sandra: I was afraid of that. > Eedon: According to Malek, the robot is located somewhere in this > vicinity-- And like much of my homeworld, this area is uncharted - > - and possibly hostile! Hmm... Chanting sounds-- Sean [Eedon]: Drums, primitive rhythmic music, screams of anguish... there's only one thing it could be. Kara: You mean? Sean: Yes, a rave. > coming from that clearing up ahead-- I wonder... > [Talos standing on platform, worshippers in front of it] Sandra: "First church of Zoltek?" Sean: Maybe this is a fringe sect. > Eedon [V/O]: It's there! But those natives -- They're praying to it as > though it were some kind of... god! Matt: Well, it's a highly sought after collectable, so it's more or less the same thing. > [Talosian Sandra: R. Talosian to be exact. Matt: Cyberpunk 3rd Ed, due summer 2136. Maybe. > with fancy head-dress standing over bound child] Kara: You can tell he's important because he has the silly hat on. > Eedon [V/O]: That must be their leader... Sandra: Actually, they're an anarcho-synchronist commune. They take it in turns to be the leader, based on a popular vote. > ...and that their sacrifice! All: No! Kara: Either that or their buffet lunches are hell. > [Leader raising knife] > Eedon [V/O]: Not much time... > [Arrow hits leader in shoulder] Sean: Shoulder shot. Kara: He's fine. Sean: He's dead. Kara: He's fine! Sean: He's dead! Kara: Fine! Sean: Dead! Sandra: Ahem. > Eedon [V/O]: ...But time enough! > Leader: Yeaargh! > [Eedon standing with crossbow] > All eyes turn to the stranger standing boldly in their midst... Matt [Eedon]: What? Haven't you guys seen a crossbow before? Sandra: No, they've only barely discovered fire. Crossbows are a few years off. > Eedon: Your gods are not pleased... Sean: Mr Flibble is very cross. > [Eedon walking through crowd] > Eedon: ...Your ways are evil! Matt [Dr Forrester]: We're Evil! EVIL! > [Eedon releasing victim] > Eedon: Suffer not your children... ...or someday you too shall suffer! > [Eedon opening panel on back of Talos] Sean: What do you know, it's an easy-open god. Sandra: In my day, we had to go through spinning knives, snake pits, spikes and huge rolling stone balls to get to the statue. Kids these days have it so easy. Matt: And when was your day, exactly? Sandra: Not telling. > Eedon: Good, the switch is here --as Malek said. > For a moment, there is silence as Eedon disappears into the Robot's > hull. And then-- Sean: Someone let rip. > [Talos pointing at leader] > --The robot's hand moves to appoint an accusing finger! Kara: Oooh boy, you are sooo screwed. Sandra: Hang on, are we expected to believe that this big-ass robot has been sitting around here for a hundred thousand years in a humid, swampy environment and completely unprotected from the elements, yet it's working? Matt: Yep. Sandra: Okay, just wondering. > [Talosians worshipping] Sean [Eedon]: I'm the god! I'm the god! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > Eedon [V/O]: I am offended by your reverence-- --and disgusted by > your fear! > [Talos taking off] Kara: Zoooom! > Eedon [V/O]: Perhaps one day I shall return-- Sandra: When the time is right, or the sales drop too low... > --until then, farewell! Matt: You've been a wonderful audience. Thankyou. > [Group of Talosians gathered around leader] Sean: Ere, we want a word wiv ya. > As the robot flies off, the natives turn angrily to their priest. > "We have followed your orders" they shout "and now our god is gone!" Kara: He's not gone, he's merely on holiday. > [Group of angry Talosians] Sean [Sarcastic]: Oooh, scary, scary, don't we look mean. > Soon these natives of Talos will have new leaders, new ways to follow. > But first there must be...] Sandra: A people's revolution, a democratic congress, the writing of a constitution, the setting up of a bill of rights... > [Leader's eyes, terrified] > ...A final sacrifice. Sean: And remember, there's no justice like mob justice. Matt: And there's no justice in mob justice. Sandra: Well done, Eedon. You didn't so much break the Prime Directive as you shot it, cremated it and pissed on the ashes. > [Scal climbing a cliff] > Meanwhile, on the mountain world of Thoren... Sandra: Monoclimatic world again... > Scal: Whew! My people are used to climbing practically anything-- but > this is too much! Still, if this is where our robot's holed up... then > I've got no choice! > [Scal climbing and firing grapple] > Scal: This part of the mountain's practically sheer-- no place to > get a handhold. Better use my auto-grapple to hook onto that cave > opening above! Sean: Who's he talking to? Himself? Sandra: No, the readers. Matt: Assuming there are any. Most people would have given up several pages back. > [Scal entering cave] > And as soon as Scal pulls himself up... Sean: ...It's another set of stairs! Matt [Scal]: Stupid ancient astronauts, couldn't they put in a lift? > Scal: Well whaddaya know! There's my baby! Sean: That's nice, but who the hell is the mother? > [Scal entering hatch] Sandra: It's a bit too curved to be the foot. Matt: Maybe they put the hatch in the back of the head on this one. > Scal: Piece of cake! I just hope finding these robots is as easy for > the other guys-- > [Scal inside robot] Sandra: No, he's going up in a lift. Matt: Oh, in that case they put the cockpit in the foot and the hatch in the head. Kara: Those ancient astronauts, go figure. Sean: Now he knows how Devastator feels. > Scal: Whee! This is just like Malek said it would be-- Sean [Scal]: Only much shorter. > --only more fun! > Continued on 3rd page following. Sandra: But in the meantime, here's an ad for NBC's Saturday morning line-up for spring, 1984! Kara: Mister T? What were they thinking? > [Scal in cockpit] > Moments later at the controls... > Scal: Let's see now-- all I've got to do is press this button and-- Sean: The big red one labelled 'Turn Robot On". > [Thoren busting through mountainside] > SFX: BAR OOM! Kara: Bar Oom? Sean: Maybe we lost some punctuation in there. > Scal: Wow! Talk about shortcuts! Now all I've gotta do is flip the > flight control switches and it's-- Sandra: Is it just me, or is this all too ridiculously easy? Matt: It's like having a huge-ass magical sword just handed to you in the middle of the film with no apparent explanation. > [Thoren takes flight] > Scal: Up, up and away! Sean: Faster than a speeding contrivance! More powerful than a plot hole! Able to leap tall expositions in a single bound! It's... Supermonkey! > [Akros over desert] Kara: The planet Arakkis, known as Dune... > Meanwhile, millions of miles away, Matt: In a different comic. > a solitary figure flies over the > desolate, arid desert of the world called Condar. Sandra: And another one... I think we've got a pattern forming here. > His name is Akros, > and he is a creature with a mission... Sean: To find a refreshment stand. > ...A mission he is about to complete! > [Akros over desert] Matt: Condar is a planet known for its distinctive landmarks, I see. > Akros: Aha! This sensor Malek gave me-- It's going wild! Kara: That's going to be the incoming Death Hand. > The robot is down there somewhere -- but all I can see is sand! Sean: Try looking for the Spice Bloom. If you can't find it, use a Siege tank. Sandra: Okay, I think we've had enough of the Dune 2 jokes. > [Akros over desert] Sandra: More bloody sand? Matt: Condar has some of the best beaches in the universe. Only problem is the distance between the carpark and the water... > Akros: I expected as much! The surface of my homeworld is ever- > shifting! Matt: Condar is the guy who never sits still when you're next to him at the movies. Sandra: I guess each of them is going to give us a travelogue for their homeworld, right? > But that's no problem! > [Akros throws a grenade] Sean [Condar]: I've got explosives! Kara: Kaboom! Sean [Scottish]: Bombs are great! I love blown' stuff up. Sandra: And no Warcraft either. > Akros: This disperser-bomb ought to clear things up a bit! > [Explosion] Matt: Tunguska, 1902. Sandra: Actually- Matt: I think I'm better off not knowing. > SFX: BWOOOM! > [Condar sticking out of the sand, Akros overhead] Sean: ...Well that was easy. Kara: They must have a Monty Haul GM. > Akros: Yes, indeed... Sean: Indeeeeeeeeed. > [Fighter over snow-covered mountains] Sean: Meanwhile, back in Switzerland. > At that moment, Sandra: Stuff was happening. > on the other side of the solar system, the sub-zero > world of Ziyon All: SIG JION! > Plays host to yet another discovery. Sandra: Actually, I've got a theory as to the monoclimatic worlds. Matt: Do tell. Sandra: The fronts of the model boxes of the Robotech Defenders series usually showed a photo of the robot and some photo for a background. The writers decided that the worlds each robot is coming from in this story should match to those backgrounds. Matt: And does it work? Sandra: Given that the Thoren model was a dark blue and photographed on a dark marsh background, no. > Icik [V/O]: Oh no! Why does it have to be here? Matt [Ick]: In the cold bit. > [Icik] > Icik: Malek's sensor has to be right! Sean [Ick]: This is the last toilet for ten million miles. > The robot is nearby-- Kara: So keep your eyes peeled for a big white thing. Matt: At the rate these guys are going, the next one should have a huge neon pink sign over it saying "BIG-ASS ROBOT OVER HERE!" > right in > the middle of the ice planes! And that means bacteroids! Sandra: One-celled organisms? Well, yeah, I guess they get everywhere. > [Icik near hole] > Icik: Ugh! They thrive in this cold and burrow holes like these into > underground caverns. Kara: Industrious little monocellular critters, aren't they? > Looks like I'm just gonna have to drop in on them! Sean: You're planning on dropping by uninvited and you're wearing that? Have you no shame? Kara: Well, he's doing better than Scal. Sean: How so? Kara: Scal's naked. Sean: Urk. Thanks a heap for that. > [Icik drops into hole] > Icik: Maybe they'll be out to lunch or something. Sandra: And writing it up on their expenses. Matt: Don't you do that? Sandra: That's different. That's diplomacy. > [Ziyon in cave with Icik] > Icik: Just my luck! They're eating in tody-- --but at least my Robot's > here with 'em. > [Icik firing gun at bacteroids] Sandra: They look to be a bit bigger than one cell to me. Matt: I guess the writer just threw the term in for the heck of it without thinking what it might mean. > Icik: Back off, creeps! If there's one thing I hate, it's Kara: Crappy writing? Sean: A weak plot? Matt: Mountains of exposition? Sandra: Early eighties superhero comics? > a hungry bacteroid! > [Surface with cracks on it] > With a speed that surprises even himself, Icik hops onboard the robot. Sean: Well, when you've *really* got to go... > Moments later, the surface of Ziyon All: SIG JION! Sandra: Okay, I think that's enough of that. > Shudders and cracks with an almost desperate intensity. > Then... > [Ziyon in flight] > SFX: SWOOOM! > Icik: Whew! Am I glad that this thing works! Bacteroids! Yuck! All: Ick! > [Silky swimming] > Even as Icik pilots his newfound robot back to Zoltek, on the water > world of Aqualo, Silky sheds the Aqua-collar that enables her to breathe > on the surface, and searches the depths for her prize. Matt: Do you reckon their planet has legends of lost continents that were thrust up out of the ocean by tremendous cataclysms and who's peoples have adapted for life there? Sandra: Why not? It sounds silly enough for this comic. > Silky: Already I travel deeper than any of my race has dared to go! Sandra: So shouldn't the pressure be squishing her by now? I mean, given that she can survive on the surface, her race are probably shallow water-dwellers. > But I must not think of the danger-- my people's lives depend on my > success! Sean: Say, how does an underwater civilisation get started, anyway? I mean, how did they invent anything without fire? Kara: I dunno... Maybe they were land dwellers who went back to the sea or something. Sandra: It's a good question. Most of the time when water-based races crop up, they're the descendants of surface-dwellers who were banished to below for some reason, but adapted from there. Kara: I guess the development of anything beyond a primitive agrarian society without the benefit of fire is pretty much impossible. Sean: True. However, the text makes it clear that Silky's race are water-based and really can't live on dry land without artificial aid. Sandra: I suppose it's possible that they were a land-dwelling race at some point. Their physical form, a humanoid one, is ill-suited to aquatic life and far better suited to life on land. Kara: Maybe they were forced form the surface ands managed to evolve gills or some other method of breathing underwater. Sean: Naw, then they'd be more of a fishy shape if they'd gotten as far as evolving a completely new respitory system. Sandra: Besides which, she has a nose with nostrils. Now as the collar is attached to her neck with no connection to said nose, it's likely that's where her gills, or whatever, are. So the question arises, why the nose? Kara: An anachronistic left-over of an earlier form, perhaps. Sean: It could be. Matt: Er guys, the comic? Sandra: Heh. Sorry. > [Aqualo's head sticking out of ocean floor] > Silky: There! Can it be? Kara: No, it's just any old big-ass robot that's on the bottom of the ocean. Of course it's what you're after! Sean: It looks kind of silly, like a mushroom or a flip-top lid. > [Silky looking in window, huge sea monster behind her] Matt: Uh, Silky? Behind you... > Silky: Yes! Malek described it thus-- my search is ended! Sandra: You found the magic plot device, killed the evil mage and saved the world, and the film's still only half over. > [Monster trying to eat Silky] Sean: Is it wrong to cheer for the monster at this point? > Silky: Now to just-- eh? Aqualo's dynasties! An Aquaviper! Sandra: With it's dual-purpose shotgun and everything. Matt: Aquaviper, not Water Viper. Sandra: Sorry. Wishful thinking. > [Silky firing at monster while opening hatch] > Silky: My sonar disrupter can only keep it at bay for a moment! Kara: Can I have a sonar disrupter? Sean: Why? You don't go off fighting underwater monsters, so you don't need one. Kara: Dou you know how few usable beaches there are left? And have you ever tried finding a space at one? > [Monster attacking Aqualo] > Silky: Even now it threatens to crush the Robot's dome! Sean: I'm crushing your head! Crush, crush! > [Silky in cockpit] > Silky: I never imagined this would be my robot's first test of strength-- > [Aquaviper fleeing while Aqualo launches] > Silky: But it would appear that it has passed! Sandra: Did we just miss a scene here? Matt: I think they're in a rush to get on with the story, Such as it is. > And as Silky blasts skyward out of Aqualo's murky depths... > [Dense city] > ...A lone fighter descends on the steel and glass canyons of the > densely populated planet known as Gartan. Matt: Gartan! City of the future! A flying car in every garage! A robot in every house! Yes, Gartan is truly the city of 1970! > [Shattered buildings] Kara: It looks like home. *Sniff* > Ground-upheaving earthquakes regularly plague the teeming urban > landscape that Dex calls home... Sandra: Oh, so he lives in LA then. > [Fighter over city] Sean [Dex]: I can never find a place to park in this city. > The most recent of which have all but obliterated the region which > Dex's sensors tell him is the burial site of his robot! Sandra: Well that kind of messes up that origin story. Matt: Could it be that we're going to have a deviation from the well- established routine at last? Or is this simply going to be another case of "encounter local hazard, easily deal with local hazard, find robot, take off"? > Dex takes up the search on foot... Sean: Gartan is famous for it's hopelessly bad public transport system. Kara: It's so bad that after the earthquakes, the service gets better. > [Group of thugs sitting in amongst the rubble] Sean: Enter the local colour. Kara: Slackers of the far future. > But that is not without its problems! Sandra: Turns out that he's got a big blister on his foot. Matt: And he's going to bitch to Malek about that for the next few pages as well. > Thug 1: Oy! A Lillypod-- comin' now! > Thug 2: Ay? Kara: And the thugs speak Shakespearian English. Great. > They are shock-scavengers, desperate thieves surviving on other's > shattered dreams! Matt: On earth, we call them Hollywood Executives. Sandra: See? It's LA. > [Thugs approaching Dex] > Pickings are slow for them today -- and a score is in order!. Kara: Twenty says he thrashes them all. Sean: Can't be a bet if we all agree. > Thug: Ay! Lillypod -- c'mere! Sandra: My, what colourful language. Matt: Any idea what he's saying? Sandra: Not a clue. > Dex: Huh? > [Thugs around Dex] > Thug 1: Nize jak-- lemmie 'ave! Sean: Dialogue provided by Milo Kerrigan. Kara: You know that nobody will get that. Sean: Do I care? > Dex: Take it somewhere else, boys -- I'm busy! Matt [Dex]: Go annoy the secondary characters. > Thug 2: Oooh -- Brave! Hmmm... Maybe sans these not so-- Kara: What? His trousers? > [Dex punching out thugs] Kara: Oh my, such violence. Sean: Twenty Klatoos on the newcomer. > SFX: WHAK! Sandra: Zap! Pow! Ker-Splat! Matt [Robin]: Holy Sound-Effects, Dexman! > Dex: I said -- take off! > Thug 1: Ooof! > Thug 2: Urk! > [Dex standing over thugs] Sean [Dex]: I'm huge. Kara: I suppose we should like Dex better for htis. If the thugs had tried to attack Malek, she would have fended them off by expositing at them. > Dex: You guys want to try that again? Didn't think so. Be seeing you! Sandra: Hey, you didn't give them a chance to reply. > Thug: Oooohhh... Nnoo... > [Dex amongst rubble] > Dex: Hmmm... I expected to have to blast to unearth a buried robot, > but sensor readings say that it's on the planet's surface! That's > impossible-- unless... Sandra: Someone left it out in the open like they did with Talos? > [Gartan lying amongst the rubble] Sandra: Interesting... It's been drawn with the gun on the left arm, rather than the usual right. > Dex: Of course! The last earthquake pushed it up to the surface after > centuries of being hidden beneath tons of steel and stone! Sean: Well, I guess that makes about as much sense as anything else in this comic. Kara: That does it. Next time there's a big earthquake, I'm going prospecting for robots. Sean: But you've already got one. Kara: But it doesn't have a big red "do everything for you" button. > [Dex entering hatch] > Dex: It's a good thing I found this thing before those kids did-- no telling what havoc they might have caused with it! Sandra: So hang on... we've just had a huge earthquake and the area is crawling with survivors, looters and presumably emergency services, and nobody's noticed this huge robot just lying there in plain sight? Matt: Sandra, you're thinking about the comic again. Sandra: You're right. I should stop it. > [Dex in cockpit] > Dex: Even with Malek's instructions, this cockpit looks pretty > intimidating. Sandra: Yes, with all those *levers* and *dials.* > But for a pilot of my experience-- > [Gartan's finger moves] Matt: It's alive! It's alive! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sandra: Are you quite finished? Matt: Sorry. I've always wanted to do that. > Dex [V/O]: It's no problem at all! Kara: It's so easy, even he can do it. > [Dex in cockpit] > Dex: Hey! Down below-- it's those creeps again! I know I've got more > important things to do but this is one opportunity I can't resist! Sean: Go on Dex, you show 'em what happens when they get Elizabethan around here. > [Thugs] > Dex [V/O]: Hey you! > Thug 1: Oy! > Thug: 2: Whazzat? > Thug 3: S'big!! Sean: Bigjobs! > [Gartan chasing after thugs] > SFX: THUD! THUD! > Dex [V/O]: Ha! Ha! Ha! Sandra: My, aren't we the sensible and mature one? Sean: Did I mention that Dex is a dickhead? > Thug 1: Go go go!! > Thug 2: And fast!! Matt [British]: Run away! Run away! > [Grelons in throne room] Sean: Nice décor in this place. Kara: It's sort of early 5th century Hun. > Meanwhile, word of the robot recoveries reaches the throne room of > the Imperial Grelon... Sean: Telegram for you, sir. > Grelon: Ssire! Our ssourcess indicate sseven robots in total. Sandra: Say, how did they find out so quickly? Only two of the robots were in populated areas, and even then one of them was a primative tribe that were clearly incapable of interstellar communications. Matt: Maybe they have a plant in the team. Sean: Who do you reckon it is? Kara: I say Silky. She's being useless on purpose. > We await your orderss! > Ssegma: Sseven, General Cyba? Just one nearly destroyed our battle > cruiser! Sean [Grelon]: Well, it would be only six if you'd been more thorough with that first one. Matt [Ssegma]: You said it was destroyed. Sean [Grelon]: I said it was damaged. Matt [Ssegma]: Who's the big cheese around these parts? Sean [Grelon]: You are, sir. Matt [Ssegma]: Who weilds the gnawed bone of authority? Sean [Grelon]: You do, sir. Matt [Ssegma]: So shut up! > [Ssegma and Cyba] > Ssegma: The S'Landrai musst be conssulted! Locate him! And hurry! Kara: No can do, boss. He turned off his mobile. > Before it's too late! > Cyba: Yess, ssire! > [Grelons feasting] Kara: Thursday is all you can eat night down at Ssegma's House of Ribs and Bits. Sean: Bits? Kara: Best not to ask. > Grelon: Perhaps a Grelon feasst will ssoothe your worriess, ssire, > while you await the S'Landrai! Kara: I guess Ssegma here is not aspiring to be a supermodel. Sean: I dunno, he might be pretty hot for a Grelon. Kara: I'm going to forget you said that. > Ssegma: Why, yess, perhaps it will, General, Matt [Ssegma]: I always eat when I'm depressed. Sean [Grelon]: And why do you get so depressed? Matt [Ssegma]: I eat too much. > can I offer you > something...? Undoubtedly you recall that miserable failure colonel > Ronda, do you not...? Sean [Cyba]: He went well with a drop of red, as I recall... > [Ssegma facing high-tech communications centre] > Ssegma: Communicationss! Have you made contact with the S'Landrai yet? Matt: No, their E-mail keeps bouncing. > Grelon Tech: The ssignal iss being repeated on the designated > frequenciess, [All hum the "Close encounters" theme] > sire, but there has been no reply yet! Matt: If this guy turns out to be Ssegma's father, I'm leaving. > [Figure teleporting into throne room] Matt [Ssegma]: Don't do that! Sean: Sorry, the doorbell was broken. > SFX: VRRRRRR Sandra: What's coming in, a vacuum cleaner? > Ssegma: I knee he wassn't to be trusted! I knew he-- Kara: Oh, brilliant timing, Ssegma. > [A S'Landrai - a blue skinned man in long-flowing robes] > S'Landrai: Histrionics are unnecessary, Grelon. What can I do for you? Matt [S'Landrai]: You raaaaaang? > Ssegma: You ssuprisse me, S'Landrai. I thought your race knew everything. > I ssee I wass mistaken. Matt [S'Landrai]: Okay, I know *almost* everything. Happy? Sandra: I, on the other hand... Matt: Yeah, but you've got a reputation to keep up. > [Ssegma] > Ssegma: I need more advanced weaponry, to battle an unforsseeen force > even sstronger than ourss! Matt: An army of Goblins! Sandra: But they had the battle cruiser. Matt: Okay, an army of Goblins with the Death Star. > [S'Landrai] > S'Landrai: You are mistaken, Grelon. I sense no presence in this solar > system strong enough to challenge the devices already given to you. Sean: So the Kobolds know about these killer robots of doom but the nigh-on omnipotent elder race don't? For ultimate bad guys, they're a bit out of the loop. Sandra: Remember, advanced does not necessarily mean intelligent. Just look at the aliens in Independence Day for what I mean. > The > operators, not the machines must be at fault. But the S'Landrai are a > compassionate race. Sean: We give generously. Kara: Send for... The Replacement Grelons! > We will provide additional weaponry neccecary for > you to fulfil your end of the pact. Matt: They'll give them... an even bigger battlecruiser! Kara: But they've got seven robots! Matt: Ah, but this one has air conditioning and airbags. > [S'Landrai teleports away] > S'Landrai: Until then... > Ssegma: Yess... the pact... All: FORESHADOWING! > [Huge spaceship over Grelon] Sean: Speaking of Independence Day... Sandra: No, it's just the Bodolza fleet. > Hours later, a new, larger battleship appears on the horizon, blotting > out the sun with its enormity. Sean: It's huge! Kara: Bummer if you're trying to get a tan. > It is the gift of the S'Landrai -- a > machine of destruction capable of levelling an entire planet. Sandra: I think the S'Landrai are compensating. > Certainly enough to destroy seven bothersome robots! Matt: And their stupid dog. > [Ship landing, Grelons in the foreground] Kara: Greetings, sir, madam or neuter. This your planet, is it? Sean: Er, no, ah, about half a million years. Kara: Been letting the old acid rain build up a bit, I see. Getting a bit wild with the hydrocarbons, perhaps. Sean: I'm sorry. Kara: I have to tell you that your planet's polar icecaps are below regulation size for a planet of this category. Sean: Oh dear. Kara: We'll overlook it this time. The fact is that we're here to deliver a message. Sean: Oh? Kara: It runs "We bring you a message of universal peace and cosmic harmony an' suchlike". Sean: That's... Nice. > Their primal instincts aroused by this vast symbol of power and glory, Sandra: Yeah, someone's definitely compensating. Perhaps the writer. > the Grelons mass beneath it, Sean: Now, bring it down. Fast. > and with an almost religious zeal begin their ritual war chant. Sandra: Well, if it's a ritual, you'd think that it was a religious thing for them. > It is not a pretty sight. Matt: You're telling us? We're reading it. Sandra: The art's pretty iffy too. > [Ssegma and Grelons] > Not one Grelon questions the motives of their mysterious benefactors. Matt [S'Landrai]: What's my motivation for this scene? Kara: Er, universal conquest? Matt [S'Landrai]: Oh, that. > No one wonders why the S'Landrai have not conquered the galaxy > themselves. Sean: Because they're stupid, that's why. > No one has any doubts -- least of all, the imperial Grelon! Sandra: This brute stupidity will be the death of him someday. Either that or a Gnome fighter. > Ssegma: Go, my warriors! Take your posts! We journey to Zoltek to > destroy the robots -- and ravage a world! Sean [Grelon]: Uh, sir? We already ravaged Zoltek. Matt [Ssegma]: Well, then... we'll ravage it again! Sean [Grelon]: But sir, there's- Matt [Ssegma]: Who weilds the gnawed bone of authority? Sean [Grelon]: You do, sir. Matt [Ssegma]: Who's the one minus one hit dice monster round here? Sean [Grelon]: You are, sir. Matt [Ssegma]: So shut up! > [Squad talking, Robots standing around them] Sandra: And now Gartan's gun is on the right arm. How odd. Matt: Artistic licence or just plain inconsistency? You be the judge. > Hours later on Zoltek... Sean: We finally got there, took a few photos, bought souvenirs and left. > Akros: I vote we go to Grelon and wipe out those vipers where they nest! Matt: Well you could, but it would make for a short comic. Sean: I'm almost missing those wasted pages in Aftermath now. Almost. > Silky: No, Akros, we know too little about these unusual weapons. Sean: I'm sure if you look hard enough you'll find a big red "explain everything" button. Kara: And I thought they taught you how to use them and what they can do automatically. > Eedon: I agree, we need time to master the robot's many functions... Matt: It slices, it dices, it makes French fries three different ways! > [Squad] > Eedon: ...Time, I fear, we may not have! Sandra: You've got another two issues. I'm sure you've got plenty. > Dex: Eedon's got a point! Kara: It's on top of his head. > The Grelons must know about our discoveries Sandra: I still want to know how the Grelons found out about the robots so quickly. Matt: Maybe they held up a big sign saying "We've got seven bots, what are you going to do now?" > -- and they'll be coming for us! Sean [Dex]: Ooh, I'm scared. The Grelons are coming to get me! The Grelons are coming to get me! Matt [Ssegma]: Don't do that. > [Malek and Dex] > Dex: Let's give these giant-sized toys a workout Kara: One! Two! Lift those metal thighs! Come on, girls! Get it moving! Sandra: Unfortunately, hundred thousand year old robots are slow to start in the mornings. > -- and be ready to welcome the Grelons when they arrive! Sean: So get out the good silverware and hide the dog. > [Scal and Eedon] > Scal: Don't sweat it, Dex-- the Grelons know how tough we are now -- Matt: Have you guys been advertising the fact that you've got all these robots or something? Because it seems that every man and their dog knows about them. Sandra: They bought half-time slots at the Superbowl. > and they'll never come looking for a fight. > Eedon: I wish I shared your optimism, friend Scal, soon the Grelons > will-- > [Malek and Silky, pointing] Sandra: Well called, you two. > Silky: forget soon, Eedon -- look! Sean: Up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? > [Squad] > Icik: Holee-- Sean: Dong! Kara: Sweet Mother of God in a sidecar with an order of Chocolate Jimmys and a lobster bib! > Dex: So much for preparations... > Akros: I-- I've never seen anything like it! Sean: It's just like the last ship, only much bigger. Sandra: You can't half tell what ate the Dougram designs and which ones were doe by the DC artists. > [Squad with ship overhead] Sandra: Yaeh, you're probably *really* wishing you called the Authority now. > Akros: --It's huge! Kara: It's Big, even. Sean: Bigger than Big! Convoy? Kara: *Nothing's* bigger than Big! Convoy. > Dex: Well, what are we waiting for, guys-- Matt: The next panel? > [Squad running to robots] > Dex: --Let's scramble!! Sean [Dex]: So let's make like an egg and poach. > [Eedon in cockpit] > In moments... > Eedon: No time to organise a plan of attack... Sandra: Just do what Malek did last time, only with more bots. If one can go forever without being hit, seven's going to drive their gunners insane. > [Scal in cockpit] > Scal: I hardly know how to work the offensive controls... Sean: Didn't he take a subconscious crash course like everyone else? Kara: He cut classes to chase Gibbons. > [Dex in cockpit] > Dex: Figures the Grelons would whip up that monster to do us one > better! Kara: Theirs is bigger. Sandra: Actually, all they did was stick some cardboard boxes onto the first ship to make it look meaner. > [Akros in cockpit] > Akros: Hmm... scanners indicate intensive heat buildup in the ship's > lower quadrant... Matt: Readying the megaweapon. Sean: Naw, that's just their cake in the oven. > [Silky in cockpit] > Silky: Something's dropping out of the ship-- Malek!! What are they--? Sandra: Tequila Gunners. Matt: Tequila Gunners? Sandra: Yup, that's what they're called. Matt: Right. Why? Sandra: Because. > [Malek in cockpit, ship in background deploying Mecha] Sean: Grelon Parcel Express - For when that genocide just can't wait. > Malek: Some kind of advanced Terrain Stalkers -- hundreds of them! > And from the way they're charging at us-- > [Robots surrounded by Terrain Stalkers] Kara: No in-cockpit shot of Ick? Ripped off! > Malek: I think we're in trouble! All: No! > NEXT: THE AWAKENING! Sandra: Well, so much for issue one. Have we all learned something? Kara: No, but I got an idea. Sean: Cool. Matt: Oh dear. Sandra: Well, no sense in waiting around here. [They get up and leave] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. It swings shut as you leave] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You wrestle it shut and proceed] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks shut and you proceed] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes down and nearly takes your feet off as you proceed.] [As a break from tradition, this scene is in script. I just can't make it work otherwise.] [The scene: The bridge of the SoR. Kara and Dex are sitting behind consoles, dressed as Malek and Dex respectively.] Matt [V/O]: In AD 1984 war was beginning. Kara: What happen? Sean: Somebody set up us the bomb. We get signal. Kara: What! Dex: Main screen turn on. Kara: It's you!! Matt [Offstage]: Do I have to say this? Kara: Come on, yo're ruining the whole thing. Matt: All right. [He enters in a blue bathrobe] How are you gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. Kara: What you say!! Matt: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha .... Sean: Malek!! Kara: Take off every 'Zoltek'!! [They hold up little model Dougrams.] Kara: You know what you doing. Move 'Zoltek'. [They wave them around] Kara: For great justice. [End scene] There was a round of discrete applause from off to one side. "What do you think?" Kara asked as she got up. Sandra entered from one side, avoiding Matt's tossed bathrobe. "Well done. I think you managed to revive a five minute craze from over a century ago" she dryly commented. "Pop culture is forever in your debt. Or until something else comes along" "Uh, thanks, I think" Sean replied. "Well I think it worked" Kara said, slightly grumpy-sounding. "You made a good Malek" Sean said. "I wouldn't take that" Matt added. Kara thought about it. "Good point. I wouldn't want to be compared to Malek." "And I wouldn't want to be compared to Dex" Sean continued. "Well, I don't know much about him" Matt began. "But based on everyone else in the comic, I suspect that Joe S'Landrai is likely to be a dropkick too." "But an dropkick in a kind of omnipotent way." Sandra noted. "Or, more to the point, a really stupid villain kind of way." "A really stupid villain kind of way." Kara began. "A kind of 'explain everything to the hero and then leave him alone to be lowered into the piranha tank' kind of way." "I bet he doesn't even know everything," Sean added. Further comment was cut off by the Mads light flashing. "Could someone get that?" Sean asked. "CATS is calling us." "I still think you made a terrible mistake in using that skit" Sandra muttered. "We'll see" Kara finished as she switched on the transmitter. Almost as soon as the static had cleared, Carla shouted out. "How are you gentlemen!!!" Sandra shot an angry look at Kara. "Sorry." She meekly replied. Louisa bapped Carla on the head. "Your pathetic little display has shown to me that, by now, you are clearly totally and utterly barking mad." She rubbed her hands together. "So ready to bow down before me and declare me Earth President?" "Sorry, no." Matt replied. "But..." Louisa began. "You were talking like idiots and..." "That..." Sandra said, shooting a glare at Kara. "That was us being stupid." Sean rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. "Heck, we were just messing about." "So no insanity?" "No." "Not one little bit?" "Sorry." Sandra replied. "This allways happens" Louisa muttered, hanging her head. "There there" Calra said, patting her on the back. "Tell you what. I'll start the hot tub and make it all better." "Of course!" Louisa suddenly said, a trumphant look on her face. "I shouldn't be dejected now! Not when you're only *one third* of the way through it!" "A third?" Sean began. "That was an eternity!" Kara gasped. "And if that's just the start of it..." "Then you are in for a world of deep, deep hurting, my little friends!" Louisa trumphantly laughed. "Now you are on the way to destruction! You have no chance to survive, make your time!" "Yeah! Now I'll just take off every clothes for great pleasure!" Carla began, grabbing the back of Louisa's top. Louisa span around and hit her on the head. "Not now!" She shouted. "Push the button. I have a world to conquer!" "Pushing the button!" Carla replied, shitting the screen down. There was a long silence. "She's lost it" Kara muttered. "Definitely." Sean added. Matt turned to Sandra. "We're in for it, right?" "You have no idea." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MSTer's notes: This one took forever to do. My bad. I got a job, lost it then got another one, which took most of my time from me. Also, a disk error destroyed the half-finished first copy in an unrecoverable way. As you can tell, any sane person would want a break before scribing this thing for a second time. As you may have guessed, this comic has *nothing* to do with Robotech as we know it. In fact, the only connection is the word "Robotech" and the font of the title. This comic actually pre-dates Macek's adaptation of the three anime series into Robotech. The title refers to Revell's line of kis that were re-releases of mecha from Dougram, Macross and Orguss. Special Thanks to Douglass Weeks for sending me a copy of this issue and making this all possible. Thanks also to Sgt Anjay for being a pre-reader and helping a bit with the host segment. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@ihug.com.au) Sandra Blackmore, Matt Green, Kara and Louisa Chang are copyright 1998-2001 Alex Fauth Sean and Carla Harwood are copyright 1998-2001 Max Fauth CABAAL is copyright 1999-2001 Westwood Studios Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Thug 1: Oy! > Thug: 2: Whazzat? > Thug 3: S'big!!