Elmer Studios presents... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, it's back to Robotech Defenders. Don't say I didn't warn you. "Robotech Defenders" is copyright DC Robotech Defenders is copyright Revell/Harmony Gold -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Satellite of Rednecks, a bit past Tea-Time The SoR's four inhabitants were at the tail-end of their usual two-hour late lunch. After the shocking events of Robotech Defenders (part one), their appetites, even Kara, had been strangely lacking. They'd abandoned the planned Vat-Grown Mystery Meat On A Roll and just stuck to light snacks and drinks instead. Their conversations had gone back and forth, trying to figure out the most loopily incoherent comic they'd red since, well, the last one, really. "What I don't get-" Matt began, before being cut off. "Amongst other things" Sandra interjected. "Amongst other things-" Matt continued. "Well, everything" Sandra added. "Yeah, actually" Matt replied. "Well, the thing I want to know is how did the Grelons suddenly know that the Defenders had seven robots?" "Did they see them?" Sean asked. "Probably not" Matt replied. "Four of them were found in remote locations with nobody around to report them to their existence to the Grelons" "And the others?" Kara asked, counting off robots on her fingers. "Zoltek was in the middle of a city, but by the time Malek activated it there was nobody around to see it apart from the squad." Sandra began. "Talos had all those primitives worshipping it, and Gartan was in the middle of the earthquake-ravaged city." "Two of them were seen by people other than the squad; Talos and Gartan" Matt continued. "Their activations were witnessed by the primitives and the Shakespearean thugs respectively." "Neither of which would be in any position to inform the Grelons" Sean added. "The primitives wouldn't have the means, unless they were hiding a satellite uplink under the altar." "And the thugs didn't seem to have much on them except for some amusing dialogue" Kara commented. "Even then, they would have only seen the one Defender each" Sandra continued. "With nobody around to see the activation of four of them, Grelon informants could only tip them off to the existence of three of them at most, Talos, Gartan and Zoltek." "So unless the Grelons have spy satellites monitoring random bits of empty desert, mountainside, glacier and ocean, they wouldn't know about all seven of them" Sandra concluded. They mulled over this fact for a few seconds. "Unless there was a spy amongst the defenders" Kara suddenly added. "I guess..." Sean began. "But who'd want to sell out their own race to a bunch of filthy half-hit dice baddies?" Sean asked, leaning against the main control console. "I think it's Scal, the hairy monkey" Kara began, taking a drink from the SoR's drinks dispenser. "He's all 'I want revenge,' but I think it's a bluff." "The Grelons did torch his homeworld" Sandra noted. "Yeah, well, he sees that and decides 'hey, I don't want to be a fried monkey, so let's get in the good books of the Baddies'. That way he makes sure that he gets to keep his fur at the end of the day." Kara answered. "He acts tough, but that's just to throw everyone else off." "By the same thought, it could be Ick" Sean said. "He just wants a fight with the Grelons, no matter what. They didn't blow up his planet or anything. He's got no personal reason to hate them that we know of." He paused. "He says he's the one who most wants to kick some Grelon tail, but that's just so they won't think that he's selling them out." "The big problem is that they're both too obvious." Matt commented. "No, I think that if anyone's the traitor, it's Eedon." "Why's that?" Sandra asked. "Look at what he did against those primitives. He burst in there with no regard for their customs or beliefs. He gets into the robot and starts acting like he's their god. He starts a riot and leaves their leader at the mercy of a lynch mob." Matt began. "Yet, when he's around the others, he acts like he's an intelligent, civilised, well-educated being who only uses violence as a last resort." "Good points" Sandra replied. "That and he's squinty" Matt added. "And you never trust the squinty guy." "Another good point" Sandra replied. "But I think you're all overlooking the obvious answer as to who's the spy." "And who's that?" Kara asked as she tossed the now-empty can at the re-cycling bin, missing by miles. "The traitor's Dex" Sandra answered. "And he's not just an informant for the Grelons, he's actively trying to sabotage the squadron." "What makes you say that?" Matt asked, curious to her reasoning. "A number of things" Sandra replied. "Firstly, notice how he's constantly trying to destabilise the squad's command structure by undermining Malek's authority. Secondly, he's constantly trying to pick fights with the superior enemy forces when he knows that his squad is doomed if they do. It's clearly a part of his plan to eliminate them. Third, by seeming so eager to fight the Grelons, like Scal and Ick, he's covering for himself" There was a long pause. "Of course, he could just be an obnoxious dickhead" Sandra finished. "A distinct possibility" Matt commented. Before anyone could add futher insights, they were cut off by the Mads' Light flashing. "I'll get it" Kara interjected. "It's not like anyone else does any work around here. She walked over to the command console and pressed a button right next to where Sean was sitting. After the usual burst of static, interrupted only by a few strange commercials (ROBOT BASTARD!!!), the viewscreen cleared to reveal the ever-grinning faces of Carla and Louisa. "Good afternoon" Louisa began, the smugness evident in her voice. "And how are you feeling?" "Decent" Sandra replied. "Confused" Matt added. "Moderately annoyed" Sean commented. "Hungry" Kara finished. "Well, hard cheese!" Louisa replied. "Because it doesn't matter how you're feeling!" "I like cheese!" Carla added. Louisa shot her an evil glare. "I'm not sure if I should kill you for that or not" Louisa muttered. "You can spank me for it later" Carla replied, innocently. "..." Sandra looked at Matt. "They're doing well today." "They keep this up and they might forget all about us" He replied under his breath. "No such luck, Fabulous Furries." Louisa replied. "I'm going to send you the remaining part of Defenders." "Already?" Sean asked. "We just had lunch." "Well tough rocks, prettyboytoy." Louisa replied. "I've got a world to conquer and I'm not waiting for anybody. So just get in that theatre and enjoy the remaining *two-thirds* of the comic!" "Did she just say *two-thirds*?" Kara asked, nervously. "I'm afraid so" Sandra replied. "Tool." Kara swore. Sandra grinned for no apparent reason. "That's touching" Carla said. "They're afraid for their lives." "Brilliant! Now get in that theatre and suffer, worms!" Louisa shouted out. "Send them the Fic, CABAAL!" "Comic." CABAAL corrected, expressionless. "Comic." Louisa replied. "Send them the comic!" Lights and sirens went off throughout the satellite as it's four inhabitants rushed around in blind panic. "We've got comic-book crap sign!" Sandra shouted as they ran for the theatre. [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes up and you proceed.] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks open and you proceed] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You force it open and proceed] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. You swing it open and proceed] > [Malek in cockpit, Ship in background with Terrain Stalkers advancing] Sandra: See? Radar scope, joysticks, keyboard... Nothing unusual about those controls. Matt: It's a Dvorak keyboard, though. Sandra: Well that makes all the difference! > Seven pilots, selected by fate to discover a group of ageless robots > with which to stem the tide of universal destruction... Sean: The Voltron Force! > Soon they will learn the awesome secret of their > ROBOTECH DEFENDERS > --but right now, they're in serious trouble. Kara: The great mysteries of the universe can wait. Right now, we've got some serious booty to kick. > Malek: Heads up, team! That Grelon mothership is spitting out tankers > faster then I can count! Kara [Malek]: Why there must be... five of them! Sean [Dex]: Three, sir. Kara [Malek]: Three! > We've been itching to test out these robots under real combat conditions-- Matt: So attacking a Grelon Battleship doesn't count as real combat? > --now's our chance! > [Icik in cockpit] > Icik: Uh, Malek... You know how I love a good fight -- Matt: We do? Sandra: Yeah, didn't you see the deep discourse into Ick's character last issue? Matt: No. Sandra: Don't worry, it'll be on the DVD edition. > --but I hardly know how to work these controls! Sean: It's easy. The circle button shoots, the X button fires your boosters, the the square changes weapons and the triangle fires your beam sword. > [Eedon in cockpit] > Eedon: Nonsense, Icik -- the knowledge to operate these robots was > infused in all our minds, Matt: Along with an advanced course in French cuisine. > [Silky in cockpit] > Silky: True, Eedon -- but will that knowledge be enough? Sandra: You're now rated at "qualified", which means you're level two on all the relevant skills. Of course, your attributes may vary. > [Scal in cockpit] > Scal: It'll be enough for me, Silky! The Grelons destroyed my > homeland-- Matt: They burnt crops, destroyed homes, raped chickens and stole women. They're only new at the whole looting and pillaging thing. > --I've been itching for this moment! Kara: It's either that or fleas. You decide. Sean [Scal]: Yummy! Kara: Ewwww. > [Dex in cockpit] > Dex: Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt, All: Shut up, Dex. > but has anyone noticed that we're surrounded? Matt: Damn, don't you hate it when dozens of sixteen-meter tall robots sneak up on you like that? > [Akros in cockpit] > Akros: Dex is right! Matt: Now that's a change. > If we're gonna make our move, we've gotta do it-- > [Defenders fighting Stalkers, Aqualo being hit] Sandra: Thoren's blue now. What gives? Sean: They re-painted it between issues. Sandra: Continuity be damned. > SFX: BLAM > Akros: Now! > Silky: Eedon! Your starboard side! Look -- UGH! > Eedon: I see it, Silky -- and it's already taken care of! > [Defenders in flight, wreckage in background] Sandra: One tense fight scene later. > Malek: Come on, group! We've done enough damage to their ground troops-- Kara: What? You kick around for one panel then that's it, you're through with their ground troops? Sean: Maybe they only had four tankers total. Kara: But Malek said there was more than she could count. Sean: Malek flunked kindergarten. > [Malek] > Malek: --Now it's time to tackle the Grelons in the sky! Sandra: Look, up in the sky! Is it an Urd? Is it a Dragonnet? No, it's SuperGrelon! Matt: Supergrelon? Sandra: He's got one plus one hit dice. > [Dex] > Dex: Malek, wait! You don't know what we're up against! We were lucky > before-- --We can't afford to push it! Sandra: I'm going to need some serious dice rolls here. Kara [Malek]: Let's see... damn, rolled a one. Sandra: Let's see... You fumble, and fire the missiles at Dex, doing twenty points of damage. The shock causes Dex to hit his fire button, doing twelve points of damage... to all of you. Dex's missile launcher also breaks. The pain of the attack causes Eedon to fire, hitting Malek for thirty-one points of damage. Malek is knocked out, and falls forward... landing on Dex for another twelve points to each of them. > [Ship firing missile] > Eedon: Hmm... I fear Dex may be correct! Sean: well that's a surprise. Matt: There's a first time for everything. > Their command ship -- it's released some kind of-- > [Missile launches smaller missiles] Matt: And with each of those containing a smaller missile still. It's the new "Russian Doll" missile system. > Eedon: Cluster bomb! Sandra: You know, Cluster bombs don't work like that... > Silky! Behind you! Move! > Silky: I-I'm trying, Scal, but they're too fast! They're-- Sean: Why's she responding to Scal, when it's Eedon shouting? Kara: Scal and Eedon swapped bots between panels. > [Aqulao and Thoren shot down] Matt: Silky seems to get shot up a lot. > SFX: BWOOM! > Eedon: SILKEEEEE! Matt: TETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOO! Sean: KANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDAAAAAAAAAAA! Sandra & Kara: Idiots. > [Dex in cockpit] > Eedon [V/O]: Silkeee! Matt: TETSUU- Sandra: No. > Dex: Eedon! Silky! Answer me! Answer me! All right, you Grelon slime Sandra: Hey, some of the Grelons' best friends are slime. Either that or spores, moulds, fungus or centipedes. > -- you can dish it out well enough, I'll give you that-- Sandra: Well, they do have nuclear weapons, giant robots and all. Matt: Yeah, but that all pales in comparison before the Gnawed Bone of Authority. > [Gartan flying towards ship, missiles behind it] > Dex: Now let's see how you take it! Sean: ...Well this plan is stupidly complicated and improbable. Kara: So it must work. > [Malek in cockpit] > Malek: Dex! Forget it! We're the only ones left airborne -- Sean: What happened to Scal and Ick? Kara: They got while the getting was good. > and those tracer missiles are still hot on your tail! Sandra: Either Gartan's a really fast bot, or those are really, really slow missiles. Matt: Enigmatic alien technology just isn't what it used to be. > [Gartan close-up] > Dex: Shut up, Malek. Matt [Dex]: I've had enough of your whinging and your snivelling and your self- torture routine. I'm sick to death of you and your block exposition. Now it's time for me to take the stage. Dex's taking over, baby. Sandra [Malek]: Dickhead. Matt [Dex]: I heard that. > [Dex in cockpit] > Dex: I've followed your orders till now-- --but no more! Matt [Dex]: I'm throwing away my badge, giving up being a cop... Now I'm gonna do things my way. > [Dex] > Dex: Now it's just me-- --and them! Sandra: And the giant robot. Matt [Dex]: And the giant Robot. Sandra: And the huge ship. Matt [Dex]: And the huge ship. Sandra: And the enigmatic aliens. Matt [Dex]: And the enigmatic aliens. > [Gartan flying towards ship, running Grelons in the foreground] Sean: MAVERICK! > Dex: I hope you're listening in there, Grelons-- Kara: Actually, most of them have changed channels. Gundam Wing's on. Sean: I can't pry you off that show, can I? Kara: Prettyboys in tight shorts? No way. Cala [V/O]: Mmm... Lady Une... [WHACK!] > --'cause this is Dex, signing over-- > [Gartan banks away as missiles hit ship] Kara: Wasn't this in Hot Shots? Sean: It sucked then, and it sucks now. > SFX: THOOM! Matt [Dex]: Gotcha, Suckers! > Dex: --And out! Kara: When smart weapons get just a little *too* smart. Sandra: No, that was Dark Star. Matt: You've seen Dark Star? Sandra: I've got the last copy in the universe. > [Dex] > Dex: And that, Squadron leader Malek, is the way it should be done! [They all applaud lightly] > [Gartan and Zoltek in flight, missiles behind them] > Malek: That grandstand may have gotten you out of the fire Kara: So... he escaped via privileged stadium seating? Sandra: No, there's definitely something missing in there. > -- --but I've still got a load of tracers on my tail! Matt: Just give them a few coins and buy a damned flower, and that should get rid of them. > Dex: Malek, you fool! Sean: Dex, at last we agree on something. > Get away from me! Those tracers are locked onto our heat levels! Sean: STOOOOOPID! YOU SO STOOOOOOPIIIIID! Sandra: In the future, people won't use anti-missile flares. > [Malek in cockpit] > Dex [V/O]: --You're leading them straight to me! > Malek: He's right! One of them's already veering off! Dex! Behind you-- Sean [Dex]: Oh, come on, Malek. Who'd fall for that old o- AAACK! > [Gartan hit in the back] > SFX: KA-BLASH! > Malek [V/O]: Look out! > Dex: Ugh! Matt: Smartest thing he's said yet. Kara: Are we being too cruel to him? Sandra: No. Kara: Good. > [Gartan falling, Zoltek in foreground] > Malek: Gods of Zoltek! What have I done? Kara: Screwed up big time? Sandra: Well, besides that. Kara: Been a whiny pain in the ass? Sandra: Good point. > Dex! Are you all right? Answer m-- > [Malek in cockpit] > SFX: WHOOM! > Malek: Ugh! Damn tracer... snuck up on me... Sandra [Malek]: Speaking haltingly... cant' make... proper sentances... > [Zoltek falling towards ship] > Malek: Power's dead... falling... try to eject... Matt: Ejecting while inverted is never a good idea. Kara: But could be kind of amusing. Matt: ...I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. > [Zoltek hits ship] > SFX: BWON-NK! Matt [HG Nelson]: That was a real cup of hot fat, wasn't it? Wouldn't be surprised if they gave it zero. Sean [Roy Slaven]: Yep, look at that. Zeros across the board. Matt [HG Nelson]: Nope, sorry, no but thanks for playing, see you in four years. > Malek: Ooof! > [Zoltek falls] > [Control centre with Defenders on monitors, Ssegma and S'landrai watching] Sandra: Dr Manhattan in a surprise cameo. > And, on the planet Grelon, the Robot's defeat does not go unobserved... Kara: They were getting it live on pay-per-view. > Ssegma: You ssee? With the advanced weaponry you S'Landrai gave uss, we > have eassily defeated the robots! Matt [Ssegma]: So pay up. Sean [S'Landrai]: Damn. > S'landrai: Well done, Grelon. Now proceed with the next step. Kara: Which is? Sandra: They make moulds of them, then make brightly-coloured knock-offs sold in discount stores as "ROBOT DEFENDR!!" > [Dex in cockpit, Bleeding] > Meanwhile... > Dex: Malek, you Jerk! I'm holding you personally responsible for this > fiasco! Kara [Malek]: That's defamatory! I'll see you in court! Sandra: Six months later... Matt: The court rules that Malek is indeed a jerk and is indeed responsible. Sean [Dex]: Hot damn! > [Akros in cockpit] > Akros: Stop complaining, Dex -- just try to figure a way out of these > automated coffins! Sandra: The Automated coffin, another quality labour-saving device from Crapola(R) inc. of Taiwan(TM). > [Icik] > Icik: How can we? The controls won't respond, the escape hatch won't pop-- Sandra: They may have been built by an advanced precursor race, but they still had a thing or two to learn about fire safety equipment. Matt [Ick]: The fire axe's missing and I spilt coffee all down my front. > --and this class is too blamed thick to smash through! Kara: Blam it! Blam it all to heck! > [Eedon in cockpit, examining wires] Sean [Eedon]: Cut the red one, they say. Well that's all good and nice, but my race is colour-blind. > Eedon: I'm afraid even my more civilized attempts at escape are proving > fruitless! > [Scal in cockpit] > Scal: How 'bout you, Silky? Having any luck? Silky? Hey Malek -- I think > Silky's comm-link must be out or something! > [Malek, looking at Aqualo] > Malek: Comm-link... yes, that must be it... Sean: So your answer is "Com-link"? Kara [Malek]: Yes. Sean: And according to our survey, the thing you are most likely to find in the fridge in the middle of the night is... half a tomato. Kara [Malek]: Um... I am filled with shame. > [Silky slumped over controls in ruined cockpit, collar leaking] > Malek [V/O]: But it's still in there-- so still... Sandra: Ironically, she drowned by inhaling air. Matt: So, Silky died. Will we miss her? Kara: What'd she contribute? Matt: Um, nothing. Kara: Then probably not. > [Malek] > Malek: T-Tactical team-- I think we've sustained a casualty-- and > seeing as how we're helpless to do anything, I-- --I think we're > finished, too. Kara: You're so defeatist, Malek. Oh sure, one of your team's dead, the rest of them are incapacitated, your mechs are out of action, you're outnumbered and out-gunned and are about to die, but is that any reason to give up? > [Eedon in cockpit, Helicopters approaching] [All hum "Ride of the Valkyries"] > Eedon: Wait, Malek-- I believe our Grelon captors intend to put our > robots to some better use. Sean: They're going to re-cast them as limited-edition collectables. > I have seen vehicles like that before-- Matt [Eedon]: During a really bad acid trip. Sean [Dex]: You're really filling me with confidence here, Squinty. > [Helicopter picks up Thoren with a beam] > Eedon [V/O]: --They're electro-magnetic artillery transporters! Sean: Wow, good thing you guys aren't electro-magnetic artillery, or you'd be in trouble. Kara: Say, helicopters are kind of difficult to pilot. I want to know where the Grelons learnt to fly those things in the last couple of hours. Matt: The S'Landrai included a 'how to' manual in each chopper. > [Helicopters grab other Defenders] > Eedon [V/O]: They're lifting us up like puppets-- but what is their intent? Sandra: They're going to put on a puppet show at the Renaissance fair. Matt: With giant robots? Sandra: It's a really big puppet show. > [Icik in cockpit] > Icik: I haven't the faintest idea, Eedon-- but judging from where we're > headed-- Sean: Disneyworld! > [Helicopters carrying Defenders into cargo bay] > Greelon [V/O]: Greetingss, Defenderss -- Welcome to our humble sspacecraft! Sean: How are you gentlemen? Sandra: No. We are not going there again. > Pleasse, make yourselvess at home. Sean [Dex]: Sure. [Mimes taking of his pants, then puts his feet up on the chair in front of him and belches loudly] > Next sstop-- the planet Grelon! Matt: Change at Grelon for the Metaluna line. > [Malek in cockpit] > Malek: No! It can't end this way! These robots were our last hope! Sandra: The Robotech Defenders were our last, best hope ofr peace. They failed. In the year of the Grelon War, they became something else. Our last, best hope for victory. > It can't end now! It-- Sean: Because if it did, we'd have a very short comic. Matt: They could fill the rest of the issue up with a lengthy ramble about, well, nothing really like they did in Aftermath 13. Sean: Don't remind me. > [Malek in cockpit, big red button flashing] Matt: Say, uh, that big red button wasn't there before, was it? Sandra: No. Matt: Continuity? You can keep it! > Malek: --can't... That button... never noticed it before, but now it's > blinking wildly-- almost begging me to-- > [Malek presses button] > Malek: --Push it! Sandra: It's kind of like Ronald Regan, really. > And as the urgently glowing button is depressed... Sandra [Marvin the Android]: I think you ought to know that i'm feeling very depressed. > [Zoltek smashes helicopter] > ...Malek's robot comes thundering to life once again! But this time... > Malek: I'm not in control! The robot's acting by itself, as if it had > a mind of its own! Kara: What do you know, thye've got a "berserk" switch. It could have come in handy a while ago, though. Sandra: Yeah, but they have an 11- activation on it and the dice were against them. > [Malek] > Malek: And it's doing a much better job of defending itself than I ever > could! Kara: Don't kid yourself, Malek. A small kitten could do better than you. > If only the other robots had this capability, we might-- Tactical > team! If you can still hear me-- Sandra: I must wonder if the Grelons even considered jamming or somehow cutting off their communications so they couldn't talk to each other and plan something like this. > find the flashing buttons on your consoles! Sean [Dex]: I found a half-chewed breath mint. Can I press that instead? Matt [Eedon]: I found my contact lens. Sandra [Scal]: I found some fleas. Anyone want some? > Press them now-- > [Fingers press buttons] Kara [Malek]: And merge to form- Sandra: DEVESTATOR! Kara: ...don't do that? Sandra [Grinning]: What? > Malek [V/O]: --And... pray... they... still... work! > [Gartan and Condar smashing helicopters] Matt: GARTAN SMASH PUNY CHOPPER! > Dex: Work? Heck, Malek, they're regular Dynamos! I don't know what's, > motivating these robots, but I sure hope they intend to trash this > place! Sean: You know, when I mentioned that "fight for you" button, I was only joking... > [Helicopter thrown out through door] Sandra [June Ackland]: This is Sierra Oscar to all units. We have a report of a fight in progress at the Grelon Mothership. Eyewitnesses report five robots and a thrown helicopter. Show responding, over. Kara [Polly Page]: I'm in the area, Sarge. Show me dealing. > Voice [V/O]: No! > [Gartan in bay] > Dex: No? Did I just hear somebody say no? > Gartan: The Grelons have witnessed the extent of our power-- they will > not attempt to follow us now! Matt: Why not? They were happy with attacking you when you were at full power, so I see no reason why they wouldn't attack when you're damaged and missing a team member. Sandra: Matt, are you thinking about the comic again? Matt: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. > [Defenders leap out of ship] Kara: To infinity, and beyond! Sean: Hey look, Condar's got a board. > Talos: And we must take our leave to repair ourselves for the battle yet > to come! > Dex: I don't believe it! This robot talks! Kara [Thoren]: I could say the same for the filthy monkey that's been sitting in my head for the last few hours. Sean [Scal]: Hey! > [Robots repairing each other, squad in foreground] > Hours later, on the surface of Zoltek... Sean: Say, uh, what's Condar doing with Gartan? Matt: Best not to think about it. Sean: But Gartan's bending down and everything... Matt: Don't. > Icik: I don't like it! They're just walkin' around fixing each other -- > and acting like we don't even exist! Sandra: Given the depth of your characterisation thus far, who can blame them? > Eedon: I can understand their feelings, Icik, the Grelons took one > of their own-- --It is as if they are in mourning. > Malek: Maybe, Eedon. But I've got some questions that just won't wait > -- and I intend to ask them! Kara [Malek]: What's the average annual rainfall in for the Amazon Basin? Why do hot dogs come in packs of eight, yet hot dog buns in packs of six? Where do socks go in the washing machine? > [Dex] Kara: They wanted a spokesman who would be clear, insightful and objective. Instead they picked Dickhead here. > Dex: Hey, robot! I know you don't feel like talking right now -- but > who the heck are you guys? Matt: Dougram Combat Armours. I thought we made that clear last time. > [Condar fixing Gartan] > Condar: Collectively, we are called the Robotech Defenders-- Kara: And we have title! [They all cheer] > --Individually you may call us by the names of the planets on which > you discovered us. > [Eedon and Icik] > Condar [V/O]: Our true names are far too complex for you to pronounce. Sandra: Now there's a sci-fi cliché and a half. Sean [Condar]: That and they're downright embarrassing. > Eedon: True names? > [Zoltek] Sandra: Strap yourself in, it's time for more block exposition! > Zoltek: Yes, once we were organic beings -- Sean [Zoltek]: Once... Wasss a man.... > scientists and engineers of the planet Technor. We sought to help a > dying race called the S'Landrai. Too late, we discovered they were > energy parasites. Matt [Zoltek]: Last time we do anyone a favour. > They drained our planet and our people and stole > our interstellar spacecrafts. We survived and transferred our minds > into the robot bodies you see now. Kara: So they're actually Gobots? > We scattered ourselves across the universe, lying dormant until the > day the S'landrai would hunger once again-- --and now that day is > upon us all! Sandra: What? No flashbacks? No magnificent panoramas of high-tech metropolises and the horrible tragedies that befell them? No glimpses of their true forms? I feel cheated. I mean, Malek's block exposition was illustrated, and this is more interesting. Matt: On the other hand, imagine what it would have looked like with this art work. Sandra: Good point. Kara [Malek]: So why didn't one of you hide on Grelon. I mean, then he would have been the first to know the S'Landrai were back and could have stopped this war before it started. Sean [Zoltek]: Grelon's a hole. Nobody would volunteer for it. > [Malek, Dex and Scal] > Malek: No! That can't be true -- the race we're fighting is the > Grelons! I've never heard of these beings you call the S'Landrai! Matt [Zoltek]: They usually work under an alias. Last time, they ravaged a solar system under the name of John Q. Citizen, would you believe. > Dex: Sorry, guys, but it looks like you woke up a bit early -- Kara: After a hundred thousand years, I don't think a few hours will kill them. > your S'Landrai haven't even arrived yet! Kara: And if they're not here in the next five minutes, we get three dollars off. > But don't be disappointed -- we can still use your help! Sean [Dex]: I mean, god knows, we need help bad! Matt [Condar]: I think I've got some spare change. > [Zoltek sitting, squad in foreground] > Zoltek: Ahh... still you do not understand. The S'landrai are weak now > -- too weak to launch an assault themselves. Sandra: The best they can manage is a limited buy-out through individual shareholders. > They have enlisted the Grelon race to aid them in their effort-- Sean: You know you're in trouble when you enlist Kobolds to help you. > --An effort that, until now, seems to have been largely successful. Kara [Malek]: Are you implying something by that? > Dex: Well, that explains how the Grelons got their claws on those huge > battle cruisers-- Matt [Zoltek]: Actually, we don't have a clue about those. We were kinda hoping you'd tell us. Sandra: Remember, advanced does not necessarily mean intelligent. > [Gartan and Squad] Eedon: --But why would even the Grelons agree to act as an advance > fighting force for a race of energy parasites like the S'Landrai? Kara: Great pay, company cars and an awesome retirement package. Sandra: They had good intentions. > [Gartan, Thoren and squad] Sandra: Hey, Thoren's switched to a forearm gun instead of it's usual handgun. I guess they're mixing their model sheets. > Gartan: The nature of all evil is such that it entices and cajoles-- > Thoren: --The S'Landrai brand of evil is no less flattering or tempting. Kara: On the other hand, it's got 70% less calories. > [Defenders and squad, Grelon arm in the foreground] Sean: Along with Swoop's Trick Knee. > Talos: An agreement of some kind was probably struck -- a pact, if > you will. > Grelon: Yess -- the pact! > [Malek, Dex and Cyba] > Cyba: The robot speaksss the truth! I served under the Imperial Grelon Sandra: He was his official Third Grelon on the Left. > -- I know of the pact between him and the S'Landrai! > Dex: Who? A Grelon general! Sean [Dex]: Seven easy XP, here I come! > [Guns pointed at Cyba] > Voice: Well, start talking? Kara: Who's speaking? Sean: Do we care? > Cyba: We made a bargain with a S'Landrai -- to usse hiss weaponry to > conquer the sseven other planetss in our ssystem. Sean [Cyba]: In return he got our immortal souls. Matt [Zoltek]: Well that was stupid. Sean [Cyba]: It seemed like a good idea at the time. > We would ressettle > on the world of our choice. The other ssix would be turned over to the > S'Landrai Sandra: With a 99-year, non-renewable lease. > -- to do with ass he wished. Kara: He was going to bulldoze the lot and built townhouses. > [Dex and Eedon] > Dex: Why you little-- Sean [Cyba]: Not in the face! Not in the face! > Eedon: Wait, Dex -- I sense the Grelon may serve a better use than as > a vent for your anger and frustration! Sean [Dex]: I know. But if I wax him, I level up and go from Dickhead to a prestige-class arsehole! > [Squad, Condar in foreground] > Condar: Correct, Eedon. Even now, the Grelons are attempting to > unlock the programming matrix of our brother, Aqualo. Matt [Condar]: In retrospect, going for an Open OS may have been a mistake. > If they succeed, we are doomed. > We must return there and retrieve the captured Robotech > Defender before its secrets are unlocked! Sandra: Those little guys are more eager than Chinese aeronautical engineers. Sean: Congratulations! Grelon Scientists have unlocked the secret of Robotech Defender! Kara: And with Robotech Defender, you can get Contrivances, Enigmatic Aliens and Dzzzt. > [Condar] > Dex: You'd trust him? > Condar: Without hesitation. Sean [Condar]: Then again, we also trusted the S'Landrai. > He understands what has befallen his race. Matt: It's worse than the time their world was invaded by 3rd Edition Gnomes. Sean: Why 3rd Ed? Matt: They suck less. > Only by overhearing the truth was the S'Landrai's veil of deception broken. > [Cyba] > Cyba: Yess, and I sshould have ssusspected it! To date, we have sseen only > one of the S'Landrai-- Kara: Actually, it's the same guy playing three different S'Landrai to keep the costs down. > --And he hass grown weaker and more impatient for > ressultss each time he appearss! Sean: He knows that if he doesn't get a result, they'll cut his funding. > [Cyba with squad] > Cyba: I musst help sstop the S'Landrai -- before he doess the unthinkable! Sandra: What, characterisation? > Malek: Well... > [Eedon and Dex repairing helicopter] > Later... > Dex: ...So that's the way we've got it planned. Sean [Dex]: Cyba and I waltz on up to their front door, pretending to sell Girl Scout cookies. Cyba will be in disguise, and will distract the Grelons with his witty banter and a flick of the wig he'll have on. In the meantime, I'll sneak in through an air-vent and abseil past the security lasers to get to Aqualo. Once in there, I'll jury-rig it back to full functionality with a paperclip, some string and a rubber chicken, then fight my way out. I'll kill the S'Landrai and his dragon in his dungeon and rescue the beautiful princess, then fly off into the sunset and make sweet love to her while the Grelon ship explodes into a brilliant CGI fireball. Matt [Eedon]: Are you sure you know what you're doing? Sean [Dex]: What would you know, Squinty? > Our Grelon friend > seems to think it will work, but I'm not so sure... Soon as I'm > finished fuelling this slightly damaged Grelon carrier craft, we'll > be on the road to finding out! Kara: Um, before taking off you might want to fix up all the holes in it. > [Squad] > Moments later, the ship takes off, destination: The planet Grelon! Sandra: That is, until they realise that a helicopter can't move in the vacuum of space. Then they had to buzz around and look silly in front of everyone else. Sean [Dex]: I feel like such a dick. > Scal: What a pilot-- one in a million! Kara: Good thing there's only one of him. > Dex: Yeah, one in a million. Good luck, Dex-- Kara: What's this? Grudging admiration for Dex? Could it be that we have a romantic subplot occurring? Sandra: That'd require characterisation first. > [Grelon at monitor] > Malek [V/O]: You're going to need it. > Cyba [V/O]: CHHHSK Grelon control! CHHHSK Come in! This iss General Cyba > CHHHSK requesting permission to land! Matt [Grelon]: I'm having a hard time understanding you. There seems to be a lot of noise on the line. Sean [Cyba]: What's that? I'm eating a bowl of krispies and they're making a racket. > Grelon: General Cyba? B-but you were presumed dead! Killed in action > fighting the robotss over planet Zoltek! Sean [Cyba]: I didn't die, I merely went into a deep coma. > [Cyba and Dex in cockpit] Sandra: Hang on... Cyba's on a Grelon sized seat, and Dex is on a human sized-one. What gives? Matt: I want to know if the S'Landrai re-fitted all of those Terrain Stalkers with Grelon-sized cockpits or what. Sean: If they couldn't reach the controls, it might go some way to explaining why they're such crap pilots. > Cyba: I ssurvived, fool! And managed to capture one of the robot pilotss > in the processs! He should prove to be invaluable to uss! Kara: He's mint in box. Sean: How much will an MiB Dex go for these days? Kara: They've been known to fetch up to three dollars on e-Bay. > Have an armed > ssquad ready to meet uss at the terminal -- he is extremely dangerouss! > [Dex being lead from cockpit, Grelon Squad nearby] Sean: If they can fry people with their minds, why do they need guns? Sandra: Thier brains are prone to jamming or misfires, especially in the wet. > Soon... > Cyba: Keep your handss up, pilot. One falsse move and-- Matt [Dex]: Just wait till we get home, shorty. Sean [Cyba]: Watch it, Dickhead. > Grelon: General! The imperial Grelon requesstss both of you in the > main hanger Sandra: For light snacks. We'll be moving on to the dining room for dinner. > -- the robot awaitss! > [Aqualo in bay] Kara: Yellow robot on grey room. Nope, these guys don't have a clue about interior decoration. > Ssegma: Bring him to me now! I wissh to speak to him! Sandra: Someone who wants to speak with Dex? Now there's a first. > [Ssegma and Dex] > Ssegma: My Ssoldiers have been unable to break the robot'ss control > program-- Sandra: What they need is a thin, socially-inept man with thick glasses and a plot-contrivance driven laptop. It works all the time in the movies. Matt: They would have called Mandelbrot, but he was busy. Sandra: That's very obscure, Matt. Well done. Matt: I can't let you have all the fun. > You musst activate it for me -- now! > Dex: Listen your ugliness, I don't- Sean: Are you sure you want to be insulting him? I mean, a fecked-off Grelon is three feet of pure power. Matt: Let's not forget that he has the Gnawed Bone of Authority. Sean: Very true. > [Ssegma, Dex and Grelons] > Ssegma: Ssilence! Get into the robot'ss cockpit -- and activate the > controlss. > [Dex and Cyba entering cockpit] > Ssegma [V/O]: Mosst trussted general Cyba -- accompany him -- and make > ssure he attemptss nothing out of the ordinary! Sean: Does activating the controls count as "ordinary" or not? > [Ssegma, Grelon and S'Landrai.] > Ssegma: Once the robot is in my power, I'll have no usse for the > S'Landrai -- I'll break the pact-- and usse the robot to desstroy him! Kara: Um, maybe you shouldn't be thinking that out loud, in case somebody hears you. Sean: What did you just say? Kara: ...I have no idea. > S'Landrai: Grelon! Sean [Ssegma]: Don't do that! > [Ssegma and S'Landrai in lift] > S'Landrai: I sense you are making a mistake. Neither the pilot or your > general are to be trusted-- > Ssegma: No, S'Landrai! This time you are misstaken! Matt [Ssegma]: Who's doing all the work for who around here? Sean [S'Landrai]: You are. Matt [Ssegma]: Who's got hordes of rabid followers? Sean [S'Landrai]: You do. Matt [Ssegma]: Who wields the Gnawed Bone of Authority? Sean [S'Landrai]: Do you know what you can do with the Gnawed Bone of Authority? Matt [Ssegma]: You mock the Gnawed Bone of Authority? Seize him! > [Ssegma and Sslandrai by Aqualo] Matt: Hang on, they were by Aqualo before, right? Sandra: Right. Matt: And then they got in the lift, right? Sandra: Right. Matt: So now they're... where they were before, right? Sandra: Right. Matt: That makes no sense. In fact, nothing in this comic makes any sense whatsoever. Sandra: Try not to think about it. > Ssegma: I know my troopss! General Cyba is passionately loyal to our > cause. He would never betray uss! All: Famous last words. > S'Landra: For your sake, I hope you are right-- > [Dex in cockpit, pushing Big Red Button] Sandra: Even though they don't understand the technology, they did a pretty good job of repairing Aqualo's cockpit and all the battle damage it took. Matt: I wonder what they did with Silky's body. Sean: Seafood surprise? [Kara slugs him in the shoulder] Kara: That's just off. > S'Landrai [V/O]: Because if you are wrong-- > [S'Landrai and Ssegma] Sean: One thing's been bugging me. Why doesn't Ssegma hiss the "S" in S'Landrai? Kara: You're reading this comic and asking for consistency? Sean: It'd be nice. > S'Landrai: --You and your race will most assuredly pay the price! > Ssegma: More hollow threatss! Where are the troopss you would use againsst > us? You allwayss come alone! Matt [S'Landrai]: They're coming. Sean [Ssegma]: Uh-huh. Matt [S'Landrai]: I mean it. They'll be here soon. Sean [Ssegma]: Sure they are. Matt [S'Landrai]: In fact, they should have been here by now. Maybe they got stuck in traffic. Sean [Ssegma]: You're not fooling anyone. > [Ssegma and S'Landrai, Aqualo's hand moving in the background] > Ssegma: Look at yoursself! Sean [Segma]: You're fat, you're filthy, you're unshaven and your robes are a mess! What have you been doing to yourself? Matt [S'Landrai]: I am filled with shame. > Each time you appear, you sseem weaker! You > don't have the sstrength to challenge me, let alone my entire-- Eh? > [Aqualo's hand moving] > Ssegma: There, you ssee? My general hass succeeded! The robot movess! Sean: So he pressed a few buttons. Big deal, anyone could do that. > [Aqualo sitting up] > Ssegma: It livess! Sandra: It's alive! It's alive! Muahahahahahaha! Matt: Do you mind? Sandra: Sorry. I've always wanted to do that. > [Ssegma] > Ssegma: And now, S'Landrai, I will issue it my firsst command-- --to > desstroy you!! Kara: uh, Ssegma? You might want to stand a little further back when you say that. > [Cyba and Dex in cockpit] > Cyba: Dex... we must esscape... Sean: Ooh, what are the Grelons going to do to you? Get caught in the works? Kara: No, they're going to wipe his windows and ask him for a few bucks. > Dex: You hear that, Aqualo? > Aqualo: Yes. > [Aqualo lifts off] > Dex: Then let's do it-- > [Aqualo jets out of ship] > Dex: --Now!! Matt: Now this may sound stupid, and a little cruel, but why didn't Dex just crush Ssegma and the S'Landrai there? He could end the war right there and then, and prevent the S'Landrai from ever re-emerging as a threat. Sandra: Because they've still got twenty-odd pages of this crap to go. Matt: My head hurts. > [Ssegma with S'Landrai in background surrounded by yellow energy] > Ssegma: My robot... gone... > S'Landrai: I trusted you, Grelon. Trusted you to perform your part of > the pact, as well as your intentions. Now I see how I was wrong. Your > desire for power is great, Grelon -- but the S'Landrai have a hunger > for it-- > [S'Landrai's glowing hand and Ssegma] Kara and Sean: Hand! Sandra: That's it, no more End of Evangelion for you two. > S'Landrai: That can no longer be denied! Matt: He's got a sudden craving for munchies. Sean: Up next, the adventures of Shaggy, the dope-addled S'Landrai. > Ssegma: Wait! What are you doing? Sandra: Off hand, I'd say he's actually moving the plot along, which would be a real surprise. > [S'Landrai zapping Grelons] Sean: Mm-mmm, crispy critter! > S'Landrai: I am doing what must, Grelon. There is no longer any choice. > I am taking your life. Matt [Ssegma]: No! Gnawed Bone of Authority, protect me! > Ssegma: Skreee! Skreee! Sean: Well, there goes Ssegma. What a tragic waste of Grelon life. Kara: Popcorn? > [S'Landrai fires beam off into space] > S'Landrai: Their energies are weak, as I suspected. Sandra: Well what do you want? They're only level one opponents, so there's nothing to drain. > Hardly enough to feed all my race-- Sean: Tuesday night is Family Meal Deal down at the S'Landrai Energy Buffet where you and your kids can get all the life essence you can suck for a low $19.99. > --But enough to revitalize a few. > [Satellite] > Like some organic conduit, the Grelon Life Force courses through the > S'Landrai's veins, before it leaps into the sky-- --Where a satellite > siphon catches it-- Sean: So he can hook his body up to a satellite? Sandra: I know it makes no sense, but humour them here. > [Satellite firing off into space] Matt: Ten thousand years later they got an angry phone call from the other side of the galaxy. > --And redirects its flow toward deep space! > [Ship in deep space] > Almost instantaneously, the beam reaches its destination -- a moon-sized > mothership in orbit on the very rim of the galaxy! Sandra: I'm assuming here that these guys somehow converted a stream of energy into some form that was able to travel faster than the speed of light. Otherwise, "Almost instantaneously" could mean millennia. Matt: And you accuse me of thinking about the comic too much. > [Huge chamber, globe in the middle covered in yellow energy] Kara: Look guys, it's the 2135 model Interocitor! > Through relays and switches the energy passes effortlessly, Sean: Only to be kept on hold while Windows loaded and the disk thrashed around. > until it > arrives in a huge room lined with cryogenic holding tanks... Sandra [Reading]: Bowman, D; > ...Tanks which contain the dormant bodies of countless S'landrai... > [S'Landrai eye, closed] > S'Landrai that suddenly begin... > [S'Landrai eye, open] > ...To awaken! > [S'Landrai leaving chambers] Kara: Morning breath is one thing, but after ten thousand years these guys must reek. > Only a relative few of their number are aroused by the Grelon's > limited essence... ...But those few may indeed be enough! > [S'Landrai in chamber, yellow energy overhead] Sean: Hey, all these guys look the same! How are we meant to know who's who? Kara: They don't have names, which doesn't help. Sandra: Let's just call the first one S'Landrai Bob and go from there. > S'Landrai: We had hoped the Grelons would assist us and facilitate us > in our plan -- but it was not to be. Kara: Never trust anything vital to your inept underlings, no matter how funny they may seem. > If we are fully to absorb this > system's energies-- --we must do it ourselves! Now, my brothers, let > us begin -- the siphoning! Sean: So one of you takes the hose, the other one gets the gas tank. Kara: Stuff this, I'm famished. Anyone want to take a break? Sandra: Sure. [They get up and leave] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. It swings shut as you leave] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You wrestle it shut and proceed] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks shut and you proceed] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes down and nearly takes your feet off as you proceed.] The instant she was out the door, Kara descended on the fridge, selecting a few piece morsels. The other three stood around the SoR's main table, watching. "Amazing" Matt commented. "She stuffs down all that, and still keeps her shape. How does she do it?" "Anime girl secret" Sandra replied, a hint of smugness on her face. "While we're on the stupidly contrived," Sean began. "I want to know what's with these robots." "Well, they're the minds or organic beings somehow translated into robotic bodies by the miracles of silly science." Sandra replied. "So they're sentient, self-aware beings." Matt continued. "Only in completely inorganic robotic bodies." "Which makes me wonder, why do they need big "on" buttons?" Sean asked. "Mph?" Kara asked as she stuffed down the last of a re-heated Mexican Debris pizza. "Good point." Sandra noted. "One would presume that they wouldn't need a pilot to switch their minds back on." "In fact, it'd make a lot more sense if their mental instructions to the pilot included pressing the big red 'Go Ape-Shit' button to begin with." Matt noted. "That way, they wouldn't run the risk of being damaged by amateur pilots to begin with." "So why bother waiting till you've brain-fried the pilot?" Kara asked. "Why not have the brain switch on as a part of the power-up sequence and completely remove the pilot from the loop. I mean, they're basically assuming that the pilot of the robot *will* press the big red button at the right time." "Now that I think about it" Sean began. "What exactly does the pilot do anyway?" "Besides press the big red button?" Sandra asked. "Yeah. Once the BRB is activated, what are they there for?" "Well, I guess they sit in the head and... deliver the occasional line of none-too-insightful dialogue." Kara answered. "So they do nothing" Matt replied. "In fact, they're probably a hindrance." Sandra continued. "The robot has to provide a place for the pilot to sit, which basically amounts to a rather vulnerable hollow space in the middle of their heads. Then they need to provide power for the displays and life support systems. Plus they have to limit their speed and manoeuvring to prevent crushing their pilots through inertia." "So in other words, there's absolutely no reason for the pilots to be in there at all, is there?" Matt asked. "No" Sandra finished. "in fact, the robots are probably better off without them." "So why did they have them?" Sean asked. "Probably because DC's editors thought that human characters would be more interesting than giant talking robots." Sandra replied. "And are they?" "Compare Malek, Eedon and Dickhead to Transformers comics of the time." Sandra replied. There was a pause. "Now tell me which one lasted longer." "Wow." Matt replied. "Even accounting for Bob Budainsky's writing skills, the Defenders guys suck." The Mads Light cut off any further discussion. "I suppose we'd better get that." Kara commented. "Otherwise they'll start pumping out the oxygen from the SoR again." There was a pause with the four of them looking at each other. "Oh, all right!" Kara sighed and pressed the button. The static cleared in near-record time, to reveal Louisa and Carla on the screen. "Might I ask what you four morons are doing out here?" Louisa asked, anger colouring her voice. "You just did" Sandra replied. "I did?" "Yep." "So..." Louisa looked at Carla, who shrugged. "Um, what are you four morons doing out here?" "Having a snack break." Kara replied. "Deconstructing the comic." Sean added. "Looking for aspirin." Matt finished. "Well forget it!" Louisa snapped. "I want the four of you to drop everything-" "Can I drop everything?" Carla asked, undoing her pants. Louisa hit her. "-And get back in that theatre!" She slammed her hand down on the button, setting off sirens and flashing lights throughout the SoR. "We've got contrivance sign!" Sandra shouted as they ran into the theatre. [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes up and you proceed.] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks open and you proceed] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You force it open and proceed] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. You swing it open and proceed] > [Aqualo in flight, energy crackling all around it] > While above the planet Grelon... Sean: You know, that's one butt-ugly planet you guys come from. > Aqualo: This is the S'Landrai's work! They're sapping the vitality of the > entire planet -- reducing it to carbon ash! Sandra: I'd love to know how and why parasites who feed off "life energy" are altering the structure of a planet. > [Dex and Cyba in cockpit] > Dex: Aqualo, you know the way the S'Landrai operate! Do something! Sean [Aqualo]: All right. What we need is a stick. A very, very big stick. > [Aqualo above planet] > Aqualo: There is once chance -- destroy the energy siphon -- cut it's > flow -- before it is too late! Kara: Now is everybody here properly insulated? Sean [Cyba]: I'm wearing rubber boots. Kara: Good enough. > [Aqualo, Explosion in background] > SFX: BWAASSSHH! Kara: Well that was easy. > Aqualo: There-- I only hope-- > [Aqualo above Grelon] > Aqualo: No. Grelon is no more. Sean [Dex]: Let's see... a billion Grelons at 7 XP each... Matt [Cyba]: Do you mind? Sean [Dex]:I'm just trying to figure out what level the S'Landrai must be by now. > [Dex and Cyba in cockpit] > Dex: It's over, Cyba. I--I-- > Cyba: Ssave your pity, Dex. Sean [Dex]: Okay then. Fry piggies! Matt [Cyba]: Dex, you're a dick. Sean [Dex]: But you've only just met me! > Let's head back to Zoltek-- > [Cyba] > Cyba: We have much planning to do. Sandra: For starters, you guys now have a pilot-less robot and a robot-less pilot. I think we've got space for another minimal character in this comic. Matt: Did Silky do a lot for the story or what? > [Circles drawn in the sand] > Soon... > Robot [V/O]: As long as the S'Landrai are relatively weak, they must > act covertly. They cannot risk detection while our power is greater > than theirs. Sandra: Which is why they're going to build a whole bunch of nuclear plants. > The life Essences they steal feeds both their machines > of destruction and the S'Landrai themselves. Sean: They may be monsters bent on universal domination, but at least they are using renewable alternative energy sources. Kara: Wouldn't it make sense to run their weapons off something more conventional and save all the life energy for themselves? I mean, that way they could get a whole bunch out of stasis at once and then they could go rampaging across the universe in their hoonmobile. Matt: Great, now she's thinking about the comic. It can't be healthy. > Without it, they are > helpless. They will undoubtedly seek to establish energy siphons on > all the planets in this system and attempt a mass draining. > [Robots and pilots around circle, Condar pointing with a stick] Matt [Condar]: Okay, this bottle cap is Malek, and this ring pull is Dex- Sean [Dex]: I wanted to be the bottle cap. Kara [Malek]: Shut up, Dex. Sean [Dex]: No, I mean it! She always gets to be the bottle cap. I want to be the bottle cap for a change. Matt [Condar]: Fine, Dex, you're the bottle cap and Malek's the ring pull. Sandra [Scal]: But I wanted to be the ring pull! > Condar: We must be everpresent. A team of pilot and robot will travel > to each planet in the system to await the arrival of the S'Landrai. Kara: It'd be a bitch if the S'Landrai did a no-show and they flew all that way for nothing. Sean: Poor Gartan gets stuck with Dex all day. > If even one planet falls to them, they will have sufficient energy > to destroy us. We will have no second chance. Sandra: In other words, don't stuff up. Matt: With this team? Sandra: They're doomed. > [Icik] > Icik: Now wait a minute! I wanna know why we're waitin' for the > S'Landrai to make their move first! I say we attack them face-to-face! > [Gartan, Talos and Aqualo] Matt [Gartan]: Remind me, why do we put up with these guys? > Gartan: That would be rather difficult, Icik. The S'Landrai mothership > has a cloaking device which makes detection impossible. To find the > ship, we would need to follow the activated energy siphon's trail to > it's destination. By then it may be too late. > [Pilots running to their Robots] > Dex: Pilots -- I think we've heard enough! Let's move out! Kara [Malek]: Hey, aren't I meant to be the leader of this crummy team? Sean [Dex]: We took a vote on it and dumped you. Kara [Malek]: So why didn't I hear about it? Sean [Dex]: You were on the can at the time. > [Condar flying over desert, birds in the distance] > Later, on the planet Condar... > Condar: We have searched for hours, Acros... Kara: Who's Acros? Sean: Akros' evil twin. > but still have found no > sign of the S'Landrai siphon. Tell me though -- why are those strange > birdlike creatures hovering over that mesa? > Akros: Birdlike creatures, nothing! Those are my people! Sandra: Nice flub there, Condar. > [Akros in cockpit] > Akros: They're *gulp* performing the right of carion! > Gartan: Hmm... Interesting... tell me -- what is this right for? Matt: Condar, giant robot Anthropologist. > [Rocket on launchpad in desert] > Akros [V/O]: To signal the coming of death! Sandra: Comic discussion corner. Is the Right of Carion an attempt at an alien- sounding name, or merely a misspelling of the word "Carrion?" Kara: Misspelling. Sean: Misspelling. Matt: Misspelling. Sandra: And that's it for comic discussion corner for this week. > And look! Below them -- > the S'Landrai siphon! Time for us to go in for the kill! > [Condar surrounded by Birdmen] Matt: Not Condarians? Sandra: I don't think he could bring himself to say that. I'm surprised you could. Matt: Me too. > Condar: Agh! They're swarming all over me! Don't want to hurt them > -- but the siphon appears ready to launch! Acros -- Call them off! Kara: He said Acros again. > Akros [V/O]: I can't! Once begun, the Carion Rite is overwhelming > they're in a death frenzy! Sean: Humans have a similar ritual; we call it "raving". > [Siphon launches, hitting Condar] Matt: Nice block there. I don't think anyone was expecting you to stop it with your head. > SFX: BWAANG! > Condar: No! The siphon -- it's launching at us! Can't manoeuvre away > in time! Can't-- ugh! Sean [Over-dramatic]: Aieeeee! > [Thoren in flight over canyon] > Meanwhile, on the mountain world of Thoren -- Sean: Thoren looks just like Condar. Sandra: That's because we're looking at a desert region of Thoren. Before we saw s mountain region of Condar. Sean: Monoclimatic worlds are stupid. > Thoren: I'm picking up an energy pulse coming from that canyon just > ahead-- > Scal [V/O]: Yeah, Thoren... I think I see it-- Matt [Thoren]: That's your finger, you stupid filthy monkey boy. Sean [Scal]: Oh yeah. My bad. > [Thoren lands by ship] Sean: Hey, is there any reason why he doesn't just use his gun and missiles to blast the ship from the air? Sandra: What, and ruin a perfectly good blatantly obvious trap? > Scal [V/O]: Awright! Here's our baby! C'mon Thoren -- use your big > blaster of yours and blow those suckers away! > [Thoren close-up] > Thoren: No, something is amiss. The craft is empty. The S'Landrai, > the siphon, both gone. > Scal: Gee, you don't think--? > [Thoren, rocks falling] > SFX: RRRRRUUMBLE > Thoren: Yes. A trap. Kara [Monotone]: Oh no. We are doomed. Sandra: Told you. > [Rocks bury Thoren] > Thoren: Rockslide! Nooooo! > [Thoren under rubble, rocket launching with three S'Landrai observing] > S'Landrai 1: Thoren siphon launched. > S'Landrai 2: Robotech Defender eliminated. > S'Landrai 3: Prepare for energy transmission. Matt [S'Landrai]: Plot advanced fractionally. Sean [S'Landrai]: I like pie. > [Communications room with S'Landrai talking to S'Landrai on big screen] > And, on the S'Landrai mothership... Sandra: Meanwhile, back in the Pentagon war room... > S'Landrai: Well done, my brothers. Our power grows with each moment. > Engineer! Relay the energy to feed the Stasis Tanks -- as soon as our > levels are high enough, I want to be able to move in for a final attack. Sandra: Of course, by then you'll have reduced the entire star system to lifeless hunks of rock, so there won't be anything to attack... > [S'Landrai on screen] > S'Landrai: It has already been done. Our numbers continue to grow. Soon > we will be at optimum power. We have but to wait. Sean: So sit back with a beer while the S'Landrai Universal Domination Agneda unfolds. Sandra: Sitting back and waiting is far from an ideal plan. However, these are the Robotech Defenders we're talking about. You can probably just wait till they manage to get themselves killed. > [Thoren over planet] Kara: Oh man, they've gone all the way to Pink Space. > Elsewhere... > Eedon [V/O]: I tell you, Talos, I do not like this... All: You're not the only one. > We've already lost radio contact with two of our number and... > [Eedon in cockpit] > Eedon: Wait! I'm picking up a blip heading straight toward us! Sean: How the hell does he read that screen? He must be near blind. Kara: He's got a guide dog to help him. Sean: Well that doesn't make a shred of sense, so I'll agree. > Could it be--? Sandra: Tintin and Captain Haddock heading for the moon? > [Rocket shoots past Talos] > SFX: VROOOSH! > Eedon [V/O]: The siphon! Sean: The bus! Sandra: The audience! > [Talos blasts siphon] > SFX: BLAMM! > Eedon [V/O]: Talos, wait! It has been too easy! This could be a-- > [Huge explosion] Sean: It could be a huge explosion? The hell? Kara: Why not? It's not like anything else in this makes sense. > Eedon [V/O]: --Trap! > Talos: UGHH! > [Talos floating in space, surrounded by debris] > And as the Defender hovers lifelessly in space, the true siphon takes > its place in the heavens -- -- to begin its evil work! Sandra: Promoting movies based on video games. Sean: She runs around in a tight shirt and hot pants, what more could you want? Matt: He's an Italian plumber who fights monsters from another world! How cool is that? Kara: She's got SIXTY THOUSAND STRANDS OF COMPUTER GENERATED HAIR! It's amazing! > [S'Landrai eyes] > And elsewhere, more S'Landrai awaken... > [Long line of S'Landrai] Matt: Morning Bob. Sean: Morning Frank. > ...To take their place among the legion already roused from their ages long > slumber. Matt: Coffee... must have coffee... > [Zyion above planet, energy beams around it] > As, over the planet Zyion... All: SEIG JION! Sandra: I thought we agreed not to do that. Kara: But it's so fun! > Ziyon: We're too late! There's the energy trail -- -- the siphoning has > already begun! > [Icik in cockpit] > Icik: Those lousy -- c'mon Ziyon -- follow the trail back to the S'landrai > mothership. We'll make 'em pay for-- Kara: He sounds a little too keen to me. Matt [Ziyon]: Oy vey! They drained your entire planet! Sean [Ick]: Yeah, well, what are you going to do about it. Let's go kick some S'Landrai hiney across the cosmos! > [Ziyon looking at planet] > Ziyon: No, Icik, the draining of your homeworld is far from complete. Kara: You've still got at least half a tank left. > If we can destroy the siphon now-- > [Ziyon flying towards siphon] Sean [Singing]: Here I come to save the day! > Ziyon: Countless lives can still be saved! Sandra: What happens if you interrupt the siphon? Do the people it's draining get only half turned to carbon ash or what? > [S'Landrai eye opening] > But, countless miles away, new eyes suddenly open... > [Ziyon blasts siphon] > SFX: KA-BLAM! > Ziyon: There it is! Blow it away! Sandra: No clever trap or unfortunate local obstacle? The S'Landrai are slipping. How do they expect to take over the universe if they're going to let things like this happen? Matt: Give them a break. They've been off the game for the last hundred thousand years or so. They're a bit out of practice. > [S'Landrai eye closing] > ...And just as suddenly close. Sean [S'Landrai]: Stuff it. Wake me next ice age. > [Malek in cockpit] > The news of the success is relayed to the other pilots and... Matt: There was much rejoicing. All [Weak]: Hurrah. > Malek: Good work, Icik! But we've lost contact with three teams -- > Talos, Thoren and Condar -- you head for Thoren -- we're going to Condar-- Kara [Malek]: Talos can go get stuffed. Never liked them anyway. > [Zoltek in flight shooting at ship] > Malek [V/O]: --Just as soon as we wrap things up here on Zoltek! Kara: Most of the guests have gone, save for a few drunk S'Landrai who don't know when it's time to quit. They'll wise up when they figure there's no more booze. > Zoltek: Hmm. That may be a bit difficult, Malek-- > [Zoltek in flight shooting at ship] > Zoltek: --My blasts seem to be having little effect on the S'Landrai craft! Sean: So Zoltek can easily blast through armoured mecha and spaceship hulls, but a small craft like that bounces its shots? What gives? Sandra: Either the S'Landrai can make really good armour or the plot required a bit of suspense. Your choice. > [Zoltek ripping open ship] > SFX: RRRRIIPPP! Kara: For "super tough armour" it rips open easily. Sandra: Zoltek had a can opener. > Zoltek: It appears we must opt for a more direct approach! > [Zoltek's fist inside ship] Matt: How'd they fit standing room for three S'Landrai inside that ship? Sandra: Bad scaling. Matt: Figures. > SFX: BWOOOM! > S'Landrai: YIEEEE! > [S'Landrai] > S'Landrai 1: Kara: I'm getting sick of all this "S'Landrai 1" and so on. Why not just give them names? Sean: Okay, next one to speak is S'Landrai Fred. > Sire! A second siphon team has fallen! > S'Landrai Fred: Kara: Thank you! > The Robotech Defenders attempt resistance. Matt [Vogon]: Resistance is useless! > No matter, we have sufficient energy now to confront them. Proceed. > [Gartan flying over city] > And, on the world of Gartan... Sean: That city got better from the earthquake pretty quickly. Kara: They learnt from past experiences and re-built it out of Lego. > Dex [V/O]: We've already scoured space, and found no sign of the Siphon -- > --so it must be somewhere on the surface! > Gartan: Yes, I'm picking up an energy pulse from that structure up ahead. Kara: Think this is another blatant trap? Sean: They're going to drop the building on him, you watch. > [Dex inside cockpit] > Dex: You mean they're inside that building? Sean: That's so typical. Bloody foreigners buying up all the best real estate. > [Gartan, pointing at building] > Gartan: No, Dex. Matt [Gartan]: You dickhead. Sean [Dex]: Have you been talking to Malek? > Not inside... Matt: Actually, it's the Shakesperian Thugs from last issue. > [S'Landrai and siphon on roof, Gartan looming up behind them] Sean: Uh, guys? Behind you... > Gartan: ...On top of! > Dex [V/O]: Well, well, well... Sean [Dex]: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello... Matt [S'Landrai]: Adios, adios, adios! VHWOOSH! > [Gartan crushes siphon] > SFX: CCCRRIINNCH! > Dex [V/O]: Time to say goodnight, boys. > [Two S'Landrai] > S'Landrai Fred: Kara: Are you sure that's S'Landrai Fred? They all look the same. Sean: Let's say he is. It won't make much difference. Kara: Right, so let's call the other one Bob. > More resistance! How soon until we break into their sector, science officer? Sandra: Do you know how you can tell S'Landrai in different roles apart? Matt: No idea. Sandra: Their distinctive uniforms. > S'Landrai Bob: Current readings indicate Sean [S'Landrai Bob]: We're doing fifty, so we should be there in about five billion years. > arrival momentarily. We will appear -- Sean: On a Saturday-night variety program. Sandra: Following that, the S'landrai gave up draining energy and went on to make a string of gut-wrenchingly painfully unfunny comedies. > [Aqualo flying over ocean] > S'Landrai Bob [V/O]: --Over the water world of Aquallo. Sean: Well, gee, I wonder what's going to happen next? Kara: This comic is as subtle as a kick to the groin. Sandra: And just as painful. > Aqualo: I can't see a thing beneath that murky surface! Looks like we'll have to > dive and-- > [Cyba] > Cyba: Wait, down there! > [Aqualo above ocean] > Cyba [V/O]: The water's boiling! What does it mean, Aqualo? Kara: That it's time to add the pasta and stir gently. > Aquallo: I'm picking up a rapidly mounting energy pulse! It could be the si-- > [Engine in the air above Aqualo] Sean: It's the aliens from Close Encounters! They're back and they're pissed! Kara [Alien]: Look, all we're doing is retuning Elvis. No need to shoot at us. > Aqualo: -- Yes, and it's -- no! Sandra: And for those of you seeking an explanation- Yes it isn't. > [Ship firing at Aqualo] > Aqulao: The S'Landrai mothership is here! We need help, Cyba! Send out the > call! Sean [Cyba]: Not in the face! Not in the face! Matt [Aqualo]: The *other* call. > Silently, over the molecules of space itself, the message is relayed -- a call > for the Robotech Defenders! > [Thoren breaks out from rocks] Kara: Hey, if you could do that all along, why wait till now? Sean: Scal was taking a nap. > And no matter what the odds... > [Thoren flying in space] Matt: He's recovered well from being blown up. > ...no matter what the challenge... > [Condar standing] > ...no matter what the pain... Sandra: In the meantime, what happened to the siphons? I mean, did they get away? Are Thoren, Condar and Talos now lifeless hunks of rock or what? Matt: I'm sure that it'll all be revealed. Sandra: You're lying. Matt: Yep. > [Ziyon in space] > ...the call is heard... > [Zoltek and Gartan flying, others in background] > ...and answered! Sean: Well, there's a tense situation capably resolved. I can't wait to see how they defeat the mothership. Kara: You watch. It'll be stupidly easy too. Maybe they'll just get Dex to talk to it for a few minutes. > Gartan: There's Aqualo just ahead! And the Mothership -- look at the size > of it! Sandra: For, like Tom Servo, it's huge. > [Aqualo hiding behind rocks, ship firing] > Gartan [V/O]: Our brother manages to avoid destruction -- but without our > help, his moments are numbered! Kara: Aqualo gets shot up a lot, doesn't it? Sean: It could be a health hazard to pilot it. > Quickly, to his side! The Robotech Defenders > were meant to live -- or die -- as a team! Sean [Dex]: That's nice, Gartan. Say, before you get all "death or glory" do you mind letting us off? Matt [Gartan]: Dex, you're a dickhead. > [Aqualo being sucked onto ship] > Aqualo: Wha-- a tractor beam! Pulling me up -- toward the mothership! It's > power -- can't resist!-- > [S'Landrai Fred] > S'Landrai Fred: Ha, ha! Our strength is at a new high! We cannot be defeated! Kara: I seem to recall Korah saying something pretty similar just before he blew up. Sean: These guys deserve it, too. > Here come the other Defenders! Good! Let us toy with them for a moment -- > show them the extent of our power! > [Defenders fly towards ship] Sandra: Something's not right here... hmm... comparing sizes, going for consistency... Matt: Something wrong? Sandra: Average sizes versus extremes... Let's see... tractor beam is so wide and... Matt: I'll bite, what is it? Sandra: Going on the art, the S'Landrai's "moon sized" mothership is only about one hundred and fifty meters across. Matt: It's a very small moon. > Talos: Defenders -- Attack! > [Dex] > Dex: No -- wait! Something's wrong! They're prepared for us Sean [Dex]: No reading... they must be jamming us. But why would they be jamming us unless... they knew we were coming! Matt [Admiral Akbar]: It's a twap! > -- they -- > [Gartan bounces off shield] Kara: When Pub Sports go too far. > Gartan: Oof! I gave it my best shot -- but nothing happened! The ship must > be protected by a force field of tremendous energy! Sean: Actually, it was just a guy holding up a big mattress. > We must regroup -- > charge in together! Only by combining our firepower do we have a chance to > break through. > [S'Landrai Fred] > S'Landrai Fred: Do nothing! Let them see the futility of their cause-- > --let us humiliate the great Defenders! Sandra: Whoah, there you go. He's gloating rather than shooting. When thye do that, you know that they're doomed. > [Defenders attacking the mothership] Sean [Cyba]: Not in the face! Not in the face! Matt [Dex]: What's with you and that phrase? Sean [Cyba]: It's the official battle-cry of the Grelon Army. > As one, the Robotech Defenders mass outside the S'Landrai mothership preparing > for the final assault on the sinister energy parasites. Kara: We are so screwed. > Talos: Our mission is doomed to fail! Energy levels emanating from the > craft rival that of a small sun! Sandra: A sun that is whole kilometres wide, by your scale. > We cannot hope to-- > [Malek in cockpit, Gartan on screen] > Gartan: You're wrong, Talos! We have one chance! Sean: Let's see what he can whip up at the last minute. Matt: He's going to take a number of left-over plot points and pullk a truly huge contrivance out of his robotic arse. > Condar! Zoltek! Follow me! Sean: On Dancer, on Prancer, on Comet, on Vixen! On Cupid, on Dasher, on Donner and Blitzen! > Malek: Uh-- sure! But what-- Sandra [Malek]: Do I actually get a say in this? Do I actually get to know what your amazing plan is? Heck, do I even get to do anything in this crummy comic any more? > [Zoltek and Gartan fly away from mothership] > Gartan: You others remain here and keep the S'Landrai distracted!' Matt [Gartan]: Talos, Thoren, Ziyon, Aqualo, you will be the bait squad! Sean [Thoren]: What do you mean by "bait?" > We will win > this battle yet -- by fulfilling the S'landrai's lust for ultimate power! Kara: So... you're going to beat the S'Landrai by giving them what they want? How does that work? Sandra: He's hoping they overeat and get indigestion. > [S'Landrai Fred and S'Landrai Bob in control room, Defenders flying at sun on > screen] Kara: I hope those two are wearing glasses. They could go blind like that. Sean: That's not all they do that causes blindness. Kara: I could hit you, but I agree. > S'Landrai Bob: Sire -- the Robotech Defenders flee! > S'Landrai Fred: Let them. They will return, and I am curious to see what > meagre means they can muster to challenge us. Sandra: They're going to come back with Decimaxx, Exaxes, Trigon and Nebo. [Dead silence] Sandra [Smug]: I am the queen of obscure. > [S'Landrai Fred and S'Landrai Bob] > Minutes Pass... > S'Landrai Bob: Sire, I'm picking up increasing energy levels from the > functional siphons. Shall I disengage? Sean [S'Landrai Fred]: Are those the Siphons that have already begun their work and are draining energy for us? Matt [S'Landrai Bob]: Yes, sir. Sean [S'Landrai Fred]: And the ones that should be feeding us a decreasing supply as the power available for them to drain decreases over time? Matt [S'Landrai Bob]: Yes, sir. Sean [S'Landrai Fred]: And the ones that there should be no reasonable reason for there to be any increase of power too? Matt [S'Landrai Bob]: Yes, sir. Sean [S'Landrai Fred]: Carry on. > S'Landrai Fred: Curious... but no. The more power, the better for us-- Sandra: This will be the death of them, you watch. > [Defenders with Siphons in hand] Matt: Hang on, am I to assume that the siphons on Thoren, Talos and Aqualo have been working all this time and nobody thought to do anything about it? Shouldn't they have done something about them, or were they content to stand by and let the people of those planets be drained to death? Sandra: They needed the siphons intact to set up the dramatic conclusion. Matt: So why not steal the as-yet unseen siphon from Aqualo? Sandra: That's too easy and makes too much sense. > S'Landrai Fred [V/O]: ---The worse the defenders! > Zoltek: But Gartan, I'm still not sure how retrieving the energy siphons > will help us! Sean: Well isn't it obvious? Matt: No it's not. Sean: You're right, it isn't. > Gartan: As long as the Siphons work, they absorb energy. But can even the > S'Landrai contain the energy before us -- the power of -- All: GREYSKULL! > [Defenders flying towards sun] Kara: Uh, guys, you might not want to get *that* close. Sandra: If you look over there, you can see Thunderbird 3. > Gartan [V/O]: The sun itself? > Gartan: It's too much energy even for them! > [Gartan throws siphons] > Gartan: Now, Defenders! Throw the Siphons! > [Siphons thrown into sun] > Gartan [V/O]: And pray for our enemies' souls! Sean [Zoltek]: But what if they're atheists? Matt [Gartan]: Well then that's their problem. I can't deal with that right now. > S'Landrai Fred [V/O]: What's this? > [S'Landrai Bob] > S'Landrai Bob: Our energy levels have just jumped the meters! The containment > tanks! They're overheating! Bursting! Storage units overloading! Sire! > [S'Landrai Bob grabbing S'Landrai Fred] Sean [S'Landrai Bob]: I love you sir. Matt [S'Landrai Fred]: I'm not that kind of a S'Landrai. Sean [S'Landrai Bob]: I'm a woman, sir. Couldn't you tell? Matt [S'Landrai Fred]: You mean? Sean [S'Landrai Bob]: My real name is S'Landrai Roberta. > S'Landrai Bob: We must cut the siphon feed now! We're taking in too much power > too quickly! We can't handle it! > S'Landrai Fred: Silence officer. Control yourself. What could possibly be > wrong-- Kara: The fact that the energy tanks are about to explode and kill you all? Matt: The fact that for an incredibly advanced race you don't have overflow valves or surge protectors? Sean: The fact that we've still got four pages of this dross to go? Sandra: The fact that the baddies are being defeated by one of the most amazing plot contrivances imaginable? > [S'Landrai Bob] > S'Landrai Bob: No! It's already-- > [Explosion, Defenders in foreground] > SFX: BARR-OOOM! Matt: The comic began with a big bang and it's going to end with one. Just like your average stupid Hollywood blockbuster. Sandra: "Bar-room" lit; the place where men hang aorund and get drunk while trying badly to impress women. > [Defenders floating in space amongst wreckage] > [Scal] > Scal: Wow. Sean [Keanu Reeves]: Whoah. > [Akros] > Akros: It's over. Kara: And thank god for that. > [Cyba] > Cyba: Grelon is avenged. Sean [Cyba]: And I finally get a line! > [Eedon] > Eedon: The others approach. Matt [Eedon]: So, same time next week? > [Defenders in space amongst wreckage] > Zoltek: We have accomplished our purpose, brothers. The S'Landrai are gone, > the war is over. > [Zoltek] > Zoltek: Regroup on the planet Zoltek. The Robotech Defenders still have much > work to do. Sean: Better do it quickly, we're about to reach the last page. > [Malek resting on Zoltek's foot, ruins in background] > Malek: They did what they set out to do, but their mission here is over. Sandra [Malek]: I might as well get some words in here, given this is the last page of this doomed series. It's not like I actually did anything for this comic that anyone could have done, really. I'd like to say it's been fun playing second fiddle to a bunch of robots but... Hell. I need a drink. > [Group of Zoltekians] Kara & Sean: Zoltekians. Snerk. > Malek [V/O]: We've got to put our worlds back together again ourselves. Matt: And you're going to accomplish this by... standing around? > [Zoltek and Malek] > Zoltek: No, Malek, you are not alone. We will stay here, and help. > [Malek] > Malek: But what about other endangered worlds. Surely there must be-- > [Zoltek pointing towards a star, Malek in foreground] Kara: That's no star, it's a chunk of Skylab! > Zoltek: Our numbers are great, Malek. We reach across the galaxy. Sandra: I guess that's where Deximaxx and the others go to. > Look at that star, so small, so seemingly insignificant. Sean: If it's so insignificant, why can it be seen from the surface in the middle of the day? > But our brothers sleep there, too. One day, they will be needed. Matt: Hang on, I thought those were the only S'Landrai in the universe. It certainly seemed that way from what the Robots said. Sandra: They goofed. > [Planets and star in space] > Zoltek [V/O]: And on that day... > [Ringed planet and star] > Zoltek [V/O]: The Robotech Defenders... > [Earth and moon] All: Weak! Weak! Sandra: Of course, since you bring Earth into it, we can happily assume that this whole mess was erased from existence by Crisis on Infinite Earths. > Zoltek [V/O]: Will rise again! > The end. Sandra: And we're out of here. Good night, Earth. [They get up and leave] [Door 1 - It's a vault door. It swings shut as you leave] [Door 2 - It's a rolling garage door. You wrestle it shut and proceed] [Door 3 - It's a double wooden door with wrought-iron edging set in stonework. It creaks shut and you proceed] [Door 4 - It's a revolving door. You go around several times then proceed.] [Door 5 - It's one of the doors from the Death Star. It whooshes down and nearly takes your feet off as you proceed.] "Well." Matt began as the four of them returned to the SoR's bridge. "Well." Sandra replied. "Robotech Defenders." Kara muttered. "First Robotech comic ever." Sean added. "Indeed." Sandra concluded. There was a long silence. The Mad's light flashed. "Does somebody want to get it?" "You do it." Kara replied. There was another long silence, punctuated only by the incessant beeping of the Mad's light. "Somebody get that" Matt muttered. Silence. "Oh forget it." Kara muttered and angrily hit the button. "I do all the damned work around here. "You eat all the damned food" Sean muttered, only to be completely ignored as the static on the screen faded in and out, eventually revealing the Mads, grinning like idiots as always. "Greetings, morons!" Carla beamed, before Louisa hit her. "Only I get to talk down to the victims." She snarled. "Buuuttt...." Carla whined. "I'm the Mad, you're the Second Banana." Louisa said between firmly clenched teeth. "And I sign your paycheck, so don't say a word." "Shutting up." "Aaaaanyway" Louisa said, trying to regain her composure and turning back to the Viewscreen. "How did you like Robotech Defenders? Did you find it quite maddening?" "No actually." Matt replied. "Not maddening? How odd." Louisa thought. "So how did you find it?" "Educational." Sandra answered. "Educational? How so?" Louisa had a perplexed look on her face. "We learnt stuff from it" Kara replied. "Such as?" "Well, for starters," Sandra began. "Advanced does not necessarily mean intelligent." "Yeah, and try not to think about it" Matt added. "You'll only hurt yourself." "The Precursor Races have a lot to answer for." Kara noted. "Don't diss little guys with megaweapons." Sean stated. Matt continued. "Fear the Gnawed Bone of Authority." "Never assume that the good guy is dead." Sandra added. "Especially when they're using a mysterious new weapon." "Everything has a silly weak spot. Everything" Kara commented. "The minority character always dies first" Sean added. "No matter if they're black, yellow or blue." "In the end, it's the machine, not the man inside it." Sandra noted. "Stuff the prime directive." Matt commented. "And stuff other people's beliefs too." "If all else fails, pull a plot contrivance out of your arse. It'll work, trust me." Sean stated. "Here's one," Kara began. "When in doubt, exposit." "Never trust the little guys." Matt noted. "They're bound to be up to something." "If an omnipotent elder race asks for your help, you stop to ask them why." Sandra added. "Especially if they should be capable of doing it themselves." "Arsehole is a prestige class" Sean quipped. "Conversely, there are more uses for half-hit dice monsters than cheap XPs." Matt responded. "Helicopters can fly in space." Sandra added. "When a limited series gets cut short, you know it's bad." Matt stated bluntly. "Pre-Crisis DC was a shameful, ungly place." Sandra added. "Especially for the worlds that were destroyed during it." "Some star systems have incredibly big habitable zones." Kara added after some thought. "And monoclimatic worlds are stupid." "Some days it's painfully obvious when designs have been taken from two different sources." Matt noted. "This is one of them." "Check your model sheets." Sandra added. "It can make a lot of difference." "And the most important lesson:" Kara began. "Dex is a dickhead." There was another long silence. They had been rather common today. Louisa and Carla glared at the screen. Behind them, CABAAL stuck its virtual tongue in a virtual cheek. "Well?" Louisa asked nobody in particular. "Well what?" Carla replied. "It didn't work." CABAAL noted. "But I could have told you that." "Stupid machine." Louisa muttered, As soon as her back was tuned, CABAAL stuck its virtual tongue out. "Right, boobies. Don't think you've gotten off for good. Mark my words, there is a comic out there that *will* break you. It may take time and many failures, but I *will* find it." "I'm so scared." Sandra replied, clearly anything but. "Don't push me. You haven't seen what I'm capable of." She turned to Carla. "Push the button, Carla," she angrily snarled. "Eeep!" Carla replied, meekly. "Pushingthebuttonnowmam." She hastily pressed the button. "Aren't you a little worried?" Matt asked Sandra after the viewscreen had shut down. "You really fecked her off big time." "Don't worry Matt." Sandra replied. "We've survived Defenders and we've survived Rubicon. Simply put, the worst she can do to us has already been and gone." "Why don't I feel so reassured then?" Matt asked himself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- MSTer's notes: GAH! Another one that took me forever and a day to do. A full-time job, combined with a PBEM and commitments to other MSTings took it out of me on this one. In my defence, I'll say that it was longer in scribing than riffling. Much like Rubicon it was pretty damned hard to work from the original materials. Decimaxx, Exaxes and Trigon and Neebo are other kits from the Robotech Defenders line. They are re-releases of the SDC: Orguss Nikick, Ishforn, Drifand Dal and Orguss Variable respectively. Other kits in the line included the Dromedian (The Dougram "Tequilla Gunner", aka the Goliath in Battletech), the Sand Stalker (A six-legged mecha from Dougram called the Crab Gunner) and the mecha known in Battletech as the Scorpion (Who's Defenders Dougram names escape me.) Special Thanks once again to Douglass Weeks for sending me a copy of issue one and making this all possible. Next time: More stupidity from Antarctic Press. (But you guessed that) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Closing Theme: "Invasion of the Gabber Robots" by the Laziest Men on Mars. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@ihug.com.au) Sandra Blackmore, Matt Green, Kara and Louisa Chang are copyright 1998-2001 Alex Fauth Sean and Carla Harwood are copyright 1998-2001 Max Fauth CABAAL is copyright 1999-2001 Westwood Studios Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > S'Landrai Fred: Silence officer. Control yourself. What could possibly be > wrong--