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For Episode 137, we're trying something different: an El Hazard fic.

El Hazard is copyright Pioneer/AIC
El Hazard: The World of Good and Evil is copyright JS Smitty Smith
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small,
battered artificial Christmas tree lying behind one of the couches, looking
for all the world like it has been trodden on.]

[Tsuneo and Rebecca enter. Tsuneo is carrying a clipboard and Rebecca is
sulking.]

Rebecca: I still don't see why you should get to run the whole thing.
I was doing a fine job on it.
Tsuneo: Your "fine job" had consisted of signing up Tango multiple
times.
Rebecca: I didn't do it on purpose. He used a variety of clever aliases
to get in multiple times.
Tsuneo: "Herbert Reverse Suction Stainmaster" is not a clever alias.
Rebecca: Okay, a lot of *stupid* aliases.
Tsuneo: SO why did you let them past?
Rebecca: I wanted to see who they were.
Tsuneo: You *knew* they'd be Tango. Who else would claim to be "Skeletor
Smith of number 47 AAARG MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE?"
Rebecca: Okay, so you caught me.

[Dan enters]

Dan: So no more Tango?
Tsuneo: Not if I can help it.
Rebecca: Poop bum fart.
Tsuneo: No.
Rebecca: Please?
Tsuneo: NO!
Rebecca: The voice doesn't like him. That must count for something.
Tsuneo: No.
Dan: Aw come on, the guy's funny.
Tsuneo: Well, he's still got to do the rest of the BGC fic. But after
that, he's out of the program. We've got more than enough to go on for
a review. And he's not funny, he's a menace to society.
Rebecca: But a funny one.
Tsuneo: ...yes.

[Elana enters, looking very different. Her ears are elongated and stick
out to the sides, and her hair is far longer and tied into numerous
small braids trailing down her front. She wears a leather outfit with
many metal studs and a variety of straps and buckles. She wears a long,
narrow sword at her hip.]

Elana: It's been a long time.
Tsuneo: Elana? Is that you?
Elana: Yes.
Tsuneo: You look so...
Rebecca: Freaky.
Dan: I like the leather and buckles look.
Rebecca: Yeah, but you're the one who can't look at a picture of Lulu
without getting all hot and bothered.
Tsuneo: What happened? What's with the new look?
Elana: I got converted into 3rd edition D&D, along with the entire party.
Rebecca: Not happy with the change, huh?
Elana: Yes and no. Quite frankly, I hate the new outfit.
Dan: I'd be happy to take it off you.
Rebecca: Excuse me.

[Rebecca grabs Dan's legs and pulls, dropping him to the ground. She then
twists him around, applying the Walls of Jericho.]

Dan: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
Rebecca: Tap out if you know what's good for you.
Tsuneo: So what's the upside?
Elana: Third edition stats. I've been converted into a full-blown combat
monster.
Tsuneo: You didn't strike me as a very violent person before.
Elana: [Shrugs] Well, in 3rd edition everyone's a munchkin, so I'm just
keeping up.
Tsuneo: Right.
Elana: Well, I got a whole bunch of feats together that emphasise my
sword fighting skills and make up for my lower fighter level. Which, of
course, I'm no longer capped in. I can advance it as far as I like.
Tsuneo: Dare I ask what they are?
Elana: Let's see... There's weapon focus, finesse and specialisation with
a rapier, spell mastery to try and keep up with those sorcerers, improved
initiative because everyone has it, power attack, blind fighting and
combat reflexes.
Dan: I thought you used a longsword, not a rapier.
Elana: Yes, but I can add my DEX bonus with the rapier. [Smiles smugly]
Dan: Gotcha. AARRGGHH!!
Elana: Besides which, my nice artefact longsword didn't translate.
Tsuneo: So what does all that mean in real terms?
Elana: I kick arse.
Rebecca: So if Third Ed is so kicking, do gnomes and halflings still suck?
Dan: ARGH!
Elana: They're not elves. [Beams]
Rebecca: That's a yes.
Voice: Good- um, Rebecca?
Rebecca: Good morning, Head of Vecna.
Voice: What are you doing?
Rebecca: An elevated Boston crab.
Dan: Hurts too. ARGH!
Voice: Well you can cut it out now.
Rebecca: Aww...
Tsuneo: So what are we doing today, voice?
Voice: We're doing something different today.
Dan: Argh?
Elana: That bodes.
Voice: It's an El Hazard 'new character' fic.
Rebecca: By 'new character,' you mean 'self-insertion god-boy tripe,' right?
Voice: I never said that.
Rebecca: That's a yes.
Dan: Excuse me? Down here?
Rebecca: Oh, all right. [She releases Dan, who slumps to the floor]
Voice: Can you please get on with it?
Elana: I guess we must.

[They sit - Elana and Tsuneo facing the TV, Dan and Rebecca on the sideways
couch.]

Dan: I wonder if it's TV or OVA El Hazard?
Rebecca: You mean 'pale pill-popper' Ifurita, or 'underaged perky goth' Ifurita?
Elana: If it's TV version, somebody dies.
Tsuneo: On the upside, no Fatora.

[The TV switches on]

>El Hazard: The World of Good and Evil
>by JS Smitty Smith

Dan: Smith Smitty Smyth Smythe Smithson.

>El Hazard is property of AIC/Pioneer and although I think it is
>written pretty well,

Tsuneo: We'll be the judges of that.

>I have no plan whatsoever for AIC to use my
>idea, because they have experts who do this stuff for a living.

Rebecca: And gave us two El Hazard TV series.

>My story takes place after The Alternative World.

Rebecca: Great. We've got Quawool and Parnos.
Dan: On the upside, Emperor Loon and his girl may appear.
Tsuneo: Or, for that matter, the Amazing Vanishing Love-Interest Guy.

>Makoto's still on his quest,

Dan: To find the Holy Grail.

>and everyone else is in character.

Elana: We shall see how long that lasts.

>Most of my stories
>will have a SI character in it, and I'll have you know I thought
>long and hard how to fit my SI into this one.

Rebecca: How about you don't and save us all the bother?
Tsuneo: Rebecca, if authours took time to think how to fit their Avatars
into the story, we'd have never known the *delights* of Tom Dyron, DJ
Croft, Raiu, Isamu Mitsurugi or Dorkwind.
Dan: On the other hand, we wouldn't have had Jimbo Beckett or Thane.

>At first he was an
>old friend of Makoto who got transported with them, but I couldn't
>find any way to fit him in without redoing the whole story,

Tsuneo: He's been lost in the desert all this time?
Dan: He blundered into the Spring of Arliman and didn't want to leave?

>and I
>really didn't feel like rewriting seven episodes that you've
>probably already seen.

Elana: Why not? Other people have done the same

>And then it hit me...behold my masterpiece(okay, not my masterpiece)!

Dan: We're waiting.

>One more thing, there might not be more chapters to this, but who
>knows? I might get an idea.

Tsuneo: Let's hope not.

>_____________________________________

>A year has passed since the Earthlings were transported to El
>Hazard. After the whole ideal with the other dimension, and
>returning safely, they continued with their lives. Makoto worked
>diligently (ooh! Big word! ^_^)

Elana: [Dryly] He must be so proud.

>to find a way back to Earth, and to
>Ifurita. Jinnai worried tirelessly to find a way to rid himself of
>Makoto and the others.

Tsuneo: [Authour] Oh yeah, and conquer the world. I forgot about that
one.
Rebecca: [Jinnai] I would have gotten away with it too, if not for
you rotten kids and your mangy teacher!

>Fuji and Miz would take long trips to the
>mountain regions of El Hazard. And the rest, tried to live a normal
>life. Jinnai, however, isn't normal...

All: We noticed.

>"Damn you Makoto! Why must such a minor being like him be so
>difficult to kill," Jinnai yelled, aggressively pacing.

Dan: [Groucho] Why don't you just shoot him?
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] How about, no, okay Groucho?
Dan: [Groucho] But it-
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Look, I'm the evil overlord around here. I make the
decisions; I demand a little fricking respect.

>"Maybe you should take a rest. You're pacing so hard that you've made
>a path in the ground," Diva told him.

>Jinnai looked down, noticing the ten-foot dirt path amongst the green
>grass,

Tsuneo: COMEDY!

>"I don't care! All that matters now is that I must find some
>way of riding (rid- as in 'get rid of')

Rebecca: Thank you for that. For a minute there, I thought we were going
to stray into lemon country.
Elana: Your spelling note would be more appreciated if you had
remembered the second 'D.'

>myself of that parasite."

Rebecca: [Diva] AHEM!
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] No offence intended.

>Jinnai continues pacing, then stops and faces Diva,

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] How long have you been here?
Rebecca: [Diva] I live here, remember?

>"Are you positive that
>there are no other super powerful weapons able to wipe out cities in an
>instant?"

Rebecca: [Diva] Remember what happened with the last two?
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Sorry.

>Diva nods her head, "At least none that I've heard of.

Rebecca [Diva]: Well, there is Uncle Shmalbert's Grilled Cheese
Sandwich.
Tsuneo [Jinnai]: A Cheese Sandwich is a powerful weapon?
Rebecca [Diva]: It's a very big sandwich...
Tsuneo [Jinnai]: And?
Rebecca [Diva]: It's been there for over a thousand years! What do
you expect?

>But I am
>informed about any weapon that could be of some use to us, so I am
>near certain that there is no such weapon."

Dan: ...so that's a no, right?
Elana: In the most roundabout way possible.

>Jinnai clenches his fist, walks over to a nearby tree and punches
>it as hard as he can. Unfortunately, this tree was as big as a
>mountain, and almost as hard to boot. A small stream of tears role
>down Jinnai's face as the nerve impulses reached his brain. He
>leaps back away from the tree screaming in pain, then coming right
>back in a wave of anger and kicks the tree. Once again, the tree
>reigns supreme as he screams again in pain, jumping up and down
>holding his foot until he slips on a rock and falls backwards. He
>controls his anger this time, as he gets up slowly and brushes
>himself off.

All: ...
Rebecca: Current score: Tree one, Katsuhito Jinnai nil.

>He starts to comb his hair and walks off into the
>distance, calling to Diva, "I'm going for a walk now.

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] I may be some time.

>I don't want any of our troops to accompany me.

Elana: Because he usually takes them everywhere with him.
Rebecca: But it got a bit annoying whenever he tried to use the
bathroom.

>I shall be fine by myself," and leaves.

Rebecca [Dark]: He was never seen again.
Dan: They're better off without him.

>Diva starts to speak but decides against it, instead, "Groucho,
>bring me some wine!"

Elana [Diva]: What? You're serving a white with steak?
[Dan makes Bugrom noises]
Elana [Diva]: Bad Bugrom! Bad bad Bugrom! no biscuit!
[Dan whimpers]

>In Makoto's house, Makoto is finishing a few things on his
>dimension teleporter (how the hell should I know what it's called).

Elana: The intelligent option would be to do your research. Try
actually watching the show.
Dan: That? That's just the Holly Hop Drive.

>Nanami is trying to talk him out of it.

Rebecca [Nanami]: Don't you remember what happened last time you used
that thing?
Dan [Makoto]: Look, I said I was sorry. And I'm sure Alliele's hair will
grow back eventually.
Rebecca [Nanami]: Look, will you cut it out? The Superintelligent Shades
of Blue from Dimension Q are complaining about the noise again!

>"C'mon Makoto. Tomorrow will be our one-year anniversary for
>arriving here. We're all going out to eat

Elana: [Nanami] I'll be celebrating getting lost in a desert!

>and we'd like for you to
>come with us. Even sensei and Miz will be there."

Dan: There goes all the booze.

>"I'm sorry Nanami, but I can't leave at an important part of this
>stage. I want to go, I really do, but if I leave now I could miss
>the most important part of my research, and it would blow months
>of planning."

Tsuneo: What kind of research can't he put off until the next day?
Rebecca: Well, there's always the chance that Fatora will paw Shayla
Shayla, and the resulting firefight destroys his device.
Elana: Actually, he just doesn't want to be near Mr. Fujisawa in a
party mood.
Dan: Hey, are you knocking Fujisawa?
Elana: Only when alchohol is involved.

>"Oh, I'm sure that one day won't mess everything up."

Tsuneo: [Makoto] Alright, but when we all get dumped into the Dungeon
Dimensions, you'll be sorry.

>"Two minutes could mess this whole thing up.

Rebecca: Like the time you're taking to talk to her?
Dan: Hey Makoto, the elder gods want in again.

>The only way I could
>join you guys would be if this thing." as Makoto finished the
>sentence,

Elana: Which he didn't, but you know better than us, apparently.

>the machine started to spew steam and jump around like crazy,

Dan: Look out! His load's unbalanced!

>"OH NO! The teleporter is overloading!"

Rebecca: Transporter malfunction, stock Star Trek setup number two.

>The machine starts to spin around in circles and sparks flying
>everywhere.

Dan: Quick! Separate the colours from the whites!

>"DUCK!" was the last thing Makoto yelled before
>grabbing Nanami and throwing her to the ground. In seconds the
>machine stopped,

Tsuneo: Strangely disappointing.

>then exploded in a giant ball of smoke and fire,
>blowing out the windows.

Tsuneo: Never mind.

>At that time, the three priestesses were on their way to see what
>was taking so long when the explosion happened.

Elana: How convenient.

>All three gasped.

Rebecca: Shayla wasn't responsible for a change.
Elana: [Shayla] What? Why are you looking at me like that?

>"MAKOTO!" yelled Shayla and Qawool, and all three sprinted towards
>the smoking house.

Tsuneo: Ever the smart one, Afura fled for cover.

>Afura activated her lamp and a gust of wind blew across the
>wreckage. As the smoke cleared, the inside walls of the house are
>charcoal black, thousands of parts of machinery are scattered on
>the floor, but the most noticeable thing in the room are Makoto and
>Nanami in a most personal position (think doggie style ^_^).

Tsuneo: Now, I'm wondering exactly how that happened...
Rebecca: It's pseudo-comedy. You don't ask.
Elana: [Afura] Shouldn't have done that after all.

>Nanami
>opens her eyes to notice Makoto grasped tightly around her waist,

Rebecca: You'd think she'd feel it first.

>then looks over to see Afura looking at them with one eyebrow
>raised higher then the other,

Elana: [Afura] This one's going in the blackmail folder.

>Qawool looks somewhat saddened, but
>Shayla has tears in her eyes, and fists are so tight that her
>knuckles are extremely white.

Rebecca: Hmm... Methinks stock zany comedy hijinks are about too ensue.
Dan: You said "ensue."
Rebecca: Oops.

>Makoto opens his eyes and immediately lets go of Nanami, who kneels
>up and straightens her shorts.

Elana: [Nanami] Nothing happened! We were... Practicing Greco-Roman
wrestling.
Rebecca: [Afura] So who was pushing through to China?

>"Did we miss something," Afura asks somewhat curiously.

Tsuneo: Nothing original, certainly.
Elana [Nanami]: Makoto's machine blew up and ripped a hole in space and
time. We were invaded by hordes of three-foot tall green things.
Rebecca [Afura]: Again?

>Before anyone can speak, they notice the temperature of the room
>rising. They look towards Shayla who is glowing with anger, or fire,
>it's hard to tell with her.

Tsuneo: Here's a hint: Anger doesn't burn.

>"RUN," screams Afura as all three sprint out of the house as it
>explodes in a giant fireball and a giant blaze heading straight for
>them.

Dan: Remind me, are we watching El Hazard, Tenchi or Ranma?
Tsuneo: All of the above.

>Night has fallen on El Hazard ("OW!" [I'm way ahead of all you
>MST'rs ^_^]),

Elana: I don't honestly believe any of us would use such a basic and
predictable gag.
Dan: He beat me to it!

>as Jinnai treks across a small mountain.

Rebecca: Actually it's the tree from earlier.
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] This tree is following me! It's evil I say! Evil!
Dan: [Groucho] You're just lost, sir.
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Groucho? I thought I told you to stay behind!
Dan: [Groucho] I did. That's how lost you are.

>"What should I do," he says to himself, "with my small army
>reserves, I can't even get past one of those harpies," he stops on
>a small ledge and rubs his chin, "maybe Diva could use some help,"

Elana: I thought that was obvious by now.

>he shrugs and returns to his climb. "How does Masamichi do this?
>My hair's getting all messed up." He looks down at the ground,

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Let's see... I'm two meters up, there's eight
hundred to go...
Rebecca: And there's more garbage being poured on top as we speak.

>"I must stay focused on my task do defeat Makoto once and for all.

Elana: Which explains why you're climbing random mountains.

[Long pause]

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] I must stay focused on my task to get down off this
rock.

>God knows that I can beat him in a one-on-one match," he reaches
>another ledge

Rebecca: Only to bump into the Smiggins Holes construction work.

>and stares off into the night's sky.

Dan: [Jinnai] I am so lost.

>"That's it! That's all I need to do!

Elana: [Jinnai] I need to get off this mountain!
Rebecca: [Jinnai] I'll kidnap white-haired, lab-coated scientists,
lock them in an Aztec temple, and fill it with funhouse-themed
deathtraps.

>I shall challenge that rat to a death
>match, and I shall finally be rid of him once and for all,'"

Elana: And how exactly do you plan on fighting him?

>he starts doing his Jinnai laugh.

Rebecca: Which cost him a full bar of super meter.
Dan: Jinnai! Use laugh attack!
Tsuneo: Jinnai! Jinnai! [He imitates Jinnai's laugh]
Elana: That was scary. Never do that again.

>The sound waves, however, shake
>loose some rocks about ten-feet behind him, and they crumble away
>revealing a large metal door. "What's this," he asks.

Rebecca: It's a hidden underground chamber that contains a demon
goddess of unimaginable destructive power. [They all stare at her]
Just a guess.

>Jinnai walks up to the door and pushes on it, but it doesn't budge.
>"What could be in there," he thinks. He bangs on a couple more
>times, then rams his shoulders into it, but still it doesn't move.

Dan: How could it resist Jinnai's awesome strength?
Elana: How exactly did he build up the momentum to shoulder-barge the
door on a narrow ledge?
Rebecca: How did he get up this mountain anyway?
Tsuneo: That's not nearly as interesting as how he's planning to get
down.

>"Stupid door. It's probably some stupid treasure or something."

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Stupid door under the stupid rocks on this stupid
ledge up the stupid mountain...
Rebecca: That's going to be the commentary booth for the Smiggins Holes
ski run.

>He starts towards the ledge when the moon appears from behind a
>cloud. As the rays strike the door, it slowly creaks open revealing
>a dark hallway.

Elana: [Shakes head] They just don't make ancient mystic portals like
they used to.

>Jinnai, somewhat curious of this new discovery, enters.

Rebecca: [Pulls out grid paper and pencils] So who's mapping?

>"Oh well, I guess I could use whatever's in here,"

Dan: How about the death traps?
Elana: You enter a long corridor lined with statues of forgotten heroes.
A pressure plate half way down triggers- Wait, I wasn't meant to read
that bit out loud.

>he says to
>himself as the corridor gets darker, and the sound of metal doors
>closing echoes throughout the corridor.

Rebecca: Okay, now what, laffin' boy?
Dan: He's lucky he brought his good digging spoon.

>"Hey, how do you expect me
>to get out of this hall," he yells, to absolutely no one, "Can I
>at least get some light in here?" As it was said, dozens of
>torches flared up, making the hall light as day. Jinnai nods his
>head and comments, "Better." He continues down the path.

Elana: So he's in a voice-activated dungeon?
Dan: Hey, why doesn't he just send Nodwick on ahead to check for
traps?

>Jinnai has been walking for at least an hour now until he finds a
>dead end.

Tsuneo: That's a very wide mountain.
Dan: Well, he's taking extra time to search for traps. And he stops
for a breather every now and then. And he stopped fifteen minutes
back to eat his packed lunch.
Rebecca: So how far has he gotten?
Dan: The front door's right behind him.

>"Oh this is just great!" He sits on the ground, "Here I've been
>walking forever in this God forsaken hallway, only to find it leads
>to this rock wall.

Tsuneo: With a huge 'wrong way, go back' sign.

>Is this what I've been walking miles for?!" As
>if someone answered "No," the wall starts to crumble revealing a
>large room with a bright green glow at the far end of it.

Rebecca: And the treasure is a huge pile of unsold Black Starscreams!

>He
>stands up, brushes himself off, combs his hair and walks towards
>the glow.

Dan: Don't go into the light! Don't go into the light!

>As he nears it, he notices the glow seems to be
>surrounding a person.

Rebecca: I'd gloat, but it was way too easy.
Dan: That's no demon goddess! It's an Olmec god!
Tsuneo: So he's wandered into the Simpsons' basement?

>Actually, the glow seems to be part of the
>person, being as all of his body except his head is glowing green.

Tsuneo: Yeah, it's a nice party trick, but it must be a real pest
when he wants to sleep.

>His hair is short, yet straight.

Elana: And what's so unusual about that?

>It's hard to give a definite
>color or age though, being as the glow seems to change it.

Rebecca: Yes, it makes it *glow!*

>Jinnai studies the person, slaps him across the face a couple times,
>and walks around to the back to find an all too noticeable mark on
>his back, Jinnai's eyes widen.

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Made in Taiwan? So it's a knock-off demon god?
Rebecca: It's just a recoloured Kalia head on a TV Ifurita body.

>"Oh.my dream come true.another Demon God.

Dan: Don't sound so excited.

>and maybe since this one's
>a guy, he'll be more powerful than those other two,"

Elana: [Indignant] And just why is that?
Rebecca: He'll have something to compensate for.

>he looks around
>the room for a power key staff, and finds not a staff, but a large
>axe right behind the demon.

Rebecca: See?

>"Even better! A weapon of destruction
>mixed in with a weapon of destruction! How wonderful!" As he grasps
>the axe, however, it jumps from his hands, shrinks and falls to the
>ground.

Rebecca: Most men's poles do that.

>Now instead of an axe, there's a foot-long pole with three
>small prongs on one end.

Dan: I get it. This demon runs on household current.

>"Aw shit. Maybe I was wrong." He picks up
>the staff and walks to the demon's backside,

Rebecca: [Demon, desperate] Wrong hole! Wrong hole!

>taking note of the three small visible holes on his waistline.

Tsuneo: Labelled 'Coffee,' 'Milk' and 'Sugar.'

>Jinnai slides the prongs into the sockets and turns,

Rebecca: This whole scene's majorly Freudian, don't you think?

>but it doesn't budge. Maybe the other
>way.nope, still doesn't move. Jinnai starts getting upset, he grips
>the staff hard

[Elana sniggers and points at the screen]

Dan: Do you mind? Not in front of the ladies.
Rebecca: Maybe Shinji should show him how to do that.

>and tries to turn it, but still it doesn't turn.

Tsuneo: Okay wisearse, now what?

>Jinnai steps back, takes a deep breath and walks the other way,
>acting like he don't care.then he leaps on the demon's back

Dan: Getting a little fresh, aren't we?
Rebecca: This has got to be the first demon who's hit him with a
sexual harassment suit.
Elana: Notice how he didn't get this keen about jumping on Ifurita.
I think that says something.

>grabbing a hold of the staff and turning it every which way. He
>scrambles all over his back but the thing won't budge.

Tsuneo: Folks, now would be a good time to take your kids from the room.

>Finally,
>gravity takes its affect on Jinnai as he falls on his head, his
>leg twitches a little bit.

Dan: Now watch what happens when I prod him here.

>He gets up and yells, "STUPID DEMON GOD,"

Rebecca: About the only good thing that'll come of all this is that
he can sell it to Australia's funniest home videos.
Dan: Nah, he hasn't hit himself in the crotch yet.

>and he kicks the staff. Ironically, the staff is pushed into
>the Demon God, Jinnai is frankly surprised.

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Of course, I planned it like that.

>Several seconds pass as electricity shoots around the lifeless body,

Dan: Hmm, troubleshooting your demon god.
Rebecca: Hello? Demon God Tech Support, how may I help you?
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] I finally put the stupid staff in my stupid demon
god, but now it's electrocuting itself.
Rebecca: I see. And is it still doing this?
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] No, it's stopped now.
Rebecca: Yes, and has it done this before?
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] No, this was the first time I tried.
Rebecca: Okay, well take the staff out and try it again. And if the
same thing happens, call us back. Thank you! [She mimes hanging up
a phone]
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Stupid Microsoft demon gods.

>and he straightens up.

Rebecca: And pulls his pants up.

>His eyes fly open to show pure white eyes and the green glow
>disappears.

Dan: All that fuss and now the battery's drained.
Elana: You get terrible mileage from these new model demon gods.

>As it finally clears, his pure white eyes do change
>into brown pupils and the glow surrounding his body has changed
>into a black, loose-fitted outfit with several purple strands
>surrounding it.

Rebecca: So before, when Jinnai was poking him with the stick... He
was naked?
Tsuneo: Don't get excited. It's just moulded underpants and a
trademark.

>He looks at his hands and his entire body, then
>smiles wickedly. He reaches behind his back as the staff shoots
>out from his back and he grabs it and holds it in front of him.

>"Jinnai.that is your name.Jinnai," he says to Jinnai with his back
>towards him.

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] How do you know that?
Dan: [Demon god] It's on your name tag.

>"Uh, yeah," Jinnai nervously says. Although he would be ecstatic
>around now, he's worried that this one might turn on him like
>Ifurita and Kalia.

Elana: You would think after nearly destroying the world twice, he
would have learned by now.

>The demon turns around to face Jinnai, Jinnai backs up and the
>demon speaks, "My name is Neekia. I was created by an El Hazard
>race right before they were pulled into another dimension by

Dan: Saban's dubbing.

>the Eye Of God. I am the most powerful force in this world,

Dan: [Neekia] Since you got rid of the last two, that is.
Rebecca: Stupid demon gods keep popping out of the woodwork. I
swear, you can't turn around in this lousy world without tripping
over one.

>and since you have awakened me, I am at your every command."

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] So if the other two were made as women, why are
you a man?
Dan: [Neekia] That's simple. I'm Ken.
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] So what about the Malibu dream house?

>Jinnai smiles, "Well, well. I would expect so, it's only natural
>to listen to the one chosen to reign El Hazard."

Elana: Chosen by who, precisely?
Rebecca: Himself, of course.
Elana: Most 'chosen ones' are, really.

>Neekia smiles, "Cocky and ignorant. Yes, I feel that you shall
>make a much better ruler then the last person to control me.

Dan: [Neekia] Not that I'm planning to bend you to my will and
control you. No sir. I don't have any evil plans.

>That
>bastard actually had some good in his heart," he smiles and chuckles.

>"Hold it," Jinnai says, holding out a finger, "now before we go
>around taking over this world, I have a couple questions for you.

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] What is your name?
Dan: [Neekia] Neekia.
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] What is your quest?
Dan: [Neekia] To serve the bearer of the staff.
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] What is the average air-speed velocity of a Demon
Goddess?
Dan: [Neekia] TV or OVA?
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] I don't know. AAACK!

>One, are you saddened by the idea of destroying innocent people?"

Dan: [Neekia] No, I love destroying innocent people! MUAHAHAHA! I
don't have any evil plans.

>Neekia chuckles again, "What kind of a stupid question is that? I
>thrive on destruction and live for the death of others."

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Two, why did they build you with such destructive
personality traits?
Dan: [Neekia] My creator was a lunatic.

>"Great.now I won't have to deal with you turning on me because you
>don't want to kill."

>He chuckles again, "Ifurita was weak, she was too greatly influenced
>by the Earthling Makoto Mizuhara."

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] My next question is: How do you know what's happened
since you were imprisoned?
Dan: [Neekia] I'm the authour.
Rebecca: Anyone but Jinnai would be worried by this point.

>Jinnai claps his hands together, "This is wonderful.he shares the
>same hatred for that rat as I do!" He wipes a tear away, "Last
>thing, my last Demon God was weak, I want you to show me just how
>powerful you really are."

>"What do you want me to do?"

Dan [Jinnai]: I want you to cut down that damned tree that defied me
earlier... with a herring!

>"I don't care, as long as it doesn't involve harming me."

Dan: [Neekia] You take all the fun out of life.

>Neekia nods and looks towards a spot in the wall.

Elana: He's bored already.

>Within seconds,
>a large explosion echoes throughout the room and Jinnai covers his
>ears and ducks.

Rebecca: Warn us next time you blow up the room, okay?

>As he reopens his eyes, the part of the wall where
>Neekia was staring at is gone, and instead is a large hallway
>leading out to an opening,

Elana: Alright, he can make a doorway. So what else can he do?
Dan: He can mix a really mean margarita.
Tsuneo: And calculate pi to 500 decimal places.
Rebecca: And he's 'anatomically correct.'

>Jinnai cheers, "WOO HOO! Finally, I can
>rid myself of Makoto Mizuhara and take over El Hazard!" He points
>to the newly opened hall, "ONWARD!"

All: Seen it.

>Neekia picks Jinnai up by the arms and flies out of the mountain
>towards Diva.

Dan: But on the way, they stopped to get a slurpee.

>Morning returns to El Hazard, and Makoto, Nanami, and the three
>priestesses are walking down a road. All are badly charred.

Elana: Don't they have anything to do other than hang around the
earthlings?
Rebecca: What, and have some depth of character?

>"You must learn to control your temper Shayla. You're going to kill
>someone if you keep overreacting like that.," Afura says to her.

Rebecca: [Shayla] Fires don't kill people. People with fires kill
people!

>"I overreacted once, give me a break."

Dan: More like the 48th time, but who's counting?

>"Sure, once.oh waitaminute, didn't you almost fry us at the hot
>springs," Nanami asks sarcastically.

Rebecca: [Shayla] That was in self defence!

>"Hey, Mr. Queen over there tried to seduce in front of everyone!
>You saw it."

>Makoto rolls his eyes, "We're not going to start that again, are we?"

Elana: [Afura] So is there a reason why you keep that wig and dress in
your wardrobe?
Tsuneo: [Makoto] To get away from these people.

>Afura scratches the back of her head, "And didn't we barely survive
>at that one hotel where Fatora tricked you?"

Rebecca: That was justified. It was Fatora. You'd do it too.

>Shayla stares angrily at her and shakes her fist, "Just what the
>hell would you have done if that happened to you?!"

Elana: [Afura] Filed for sexual harassment.

>Afura doesn't answer her but Nanami silently coughs and whispers in
>a rhythmatic sort of way, "At least I could tell the difference."

Tsuneo: Yeah, but you thought it was BGC 2040 Mackie.
Dan: An honest mistake.

>A vein starts popping out of Shayla's forehead, "What was that?"

Elana: Nanami, start running. Very, very fast. Don't look back.
Don't think where you're going, just run.

>Qawool looks at Shayla, "And didn't Makoto and the others have to
>restrain you at that restraunt?"

Elana: [Afura; counts off fingers] Or at Miz's second wedding. Or
when we re-did Quawool's initiation. Or at the hot springs last month.
Or when you got 'kinda annoyed' at that salad they served you for
lunch yesterday. Or...

>"You grabbed me and threw me at that damn bug," Shayla yells at her,
>Qawool jumps back and grabs a hold of Makoto's arm.

Rebecca: Go on, Shayla. You *know* you want to.
Dan: Is it wrong to hope for Qawool's untimely demise?
Rebecca: When she has a characcter, maybe.

>"Well it doesn't matter now," Makoto says, "my machine's destroyed,
>so there's no possible way we can leave," he sighs,

Tsuneo: Unless there's a handy plot hole around here somewhere.
Rebecca: Hey, there's an unused Ruler of the Universe hanging around
here if you need one.

>"I guess I'll join you guys on that little lunch."

Tsuneo: [Makoto] It's not like I have much choice now.
Dan: He could always stay home and sulk.
Elana: That may be a wise plan.

>"We're soooo glad you changed your mind," Shayla sarcastically says,
>although she is glad he's coming.

Rebecca [Shayla]: I'll have to blow his stuff up more often.

>Diva and the remaining Bugrom have taken to building another palace

Tsuneo: Using only primitive materials at hand, The Bugrom will attempt
to build a new palace for their queen. So far, they've gotten up to the
front veranda.
Elana: This is what happens when Lifestyle shows go bad.

>when Jinnai's laughing can be heard in the distance, they all look
>towards the sky to see a strange figure flying towards them.

Tsuneo: In fact it was Naga the Serpent.
Dan: Mmm... [Drools]

>"OH HO! HO HO HO HO! My dear Diva, I come bearing good news,"

Rebecca: [Diva] It's another demon god, isn't it?
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] But-
Rebecca: [Diva] Just stand it in the corner with the rest of them.
Tsuneo: [Jinnai] But-
Rebecca: [Diva] How about you find something useful?

>Neekia
>sets him down and floats next to him, "I am happy to introduce you to
>my dear friend Neekia, an even more powerful Demon God then Ifurita."

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] No, really. Just ask him.
Elana: I'm glad he's so willing to believe everything he's told.

>"There was another Demon God," she asks with curiosity.

Dan: Yeah, but he's a limited edition collector's piece.

>"Oh yes, and I witnessed his power he contains, it's quite a sight."

>She notices the staff,

Rebecca [Diva]: My, what a big *staff* you have.

>"Does your power key staff do anything?"

Rebecca [Neeka]: That depends on what you do with it. [She sniggers]

>Neekia smiles, "Oh yes.actually it's one of my more dangerous assets."

Rebecca [Giggling hysterically]: THIS IS TOO EASY!

>Jinnai turns to him, "How is that little toy dangerous?"

Rebecca: It's... [Collapses on the floor, laughing out loud]

>Neekia holds the staff out in front of him and in an instant it extends

Dan: I see your schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how you handle
it.
Tsuneo: Rebecca, are you okay?
Elana: Leave her.
Rebecca: I haven't had this much fun outside of a BGC fic.

>to a four-foot pole with a large war hammer on one end, "I can
>transform this staff into any hand-held weapon that is within my
>imagination," he smiles evilly, "and I have a wild imagination."

Tsuneo: He's obviously never met Tango. I don't thing anything could copy
the soft-serve cannon.
Rebecca: Or the Atomic Ping-Pong Ball launcher.
Dan: Or the Stupidly Big Vulcan Gun.
Elana: ...I don't want to know.

>"Excellent. Now you can fully execute your plan to take over Roshtaria
>Lord Jinnai," Diva tells him.

Rebecca: [Diva] Wait a second, wasn't that my plan?
Elana: Sorry, you've been displaced by new management.

>"Yes, you are quite right. However, I had better deal with some 'old
>friends' of mine," he starts laughing,

Rebecca: [Diva] Not again. We lose more wars that way.

>"Yes, revenge is best served on a cold platter!"

Dan: I think you just misquoted.
Tsuneo: I think he just got badly subtitled.

>Neekia holds his hammer up in front of him, "And painted in your enemies
>blood," and he laughs almost as hideously as Jinnai.

>Jinnai wipes another tear from his eye, "He's just like his father."

Dan [Neekia]: Dad, can we take over the world?
Tsuneo [Jinnai]: Okay, but only if you'll play catch with me afterwards.
Dan [Neekia]: Sure thing, Dad!
Tsuneo [Jinnai]: I love you, son!
Dan [Neekia]: I Love you dad! I'd love you more, but I'm planning to kill
you and rule the world on my own!
Tsuneo [Jinnai]: That's my boy!

>"Sensei," Nanami yells as she sees Fujisawa and Miz walking down a road.

>"Well, well, what a surprise seeing you here," Fuji says with Miz attached
>to his arm.

>The two parties meet and a conversation breaks out.

Elana: Fortunately, they got on the phone quickly to the fire department,
and it was bought under control.

>"Great, everyone is here, let's eat."

>"Where should we go?"

>"There's this nice place in the next town. It's small but the food is
>delicious.'

>"Isn't that your restraunt Nanami?"

>"Oops.silly me to forget."

All: ...
Elana: Remind me, why are we reading this?
Tsuneo: We don't get paid otherwise.
Elana: Good point.

>"Yeah, whatever."

>"Hey, didn't Rune, Fatora, and Alielle come?"

Elana: I don't know. I think they may have a kingdom to run or something.
Tsuneo: So what about Alliele?
Elana: I'm not sure. I think she's there to make sure it doesn't get run.

>"No, they were too busy."

>"With what?"

>"Well, you know Fatora so Rune had to run the country by herself

Rebecca: That's a relief.
Dan: What do you mean?
Rebecca: Can you imagine if Fatora was making decisions affecting the
lives of millions?

>and Alielle and Fatora are busy doing."

>".each other."

>Everyone stares at Shayla.

>"What?"

Tsuneo: You know, those two do more than just sleep together all day.
Dan: Yeah, they chase other girls instead. [He grins broadly]
Rebecca: I'd hit you, but it's the sum total of their characters.

>"We'd better get going if we're going to eat and get to the beach in
>time."

Elana: So when exactly were you planning on telling everyone about
the beach part of the day?

>"We're going to the beach," Makoto asks.

Rebecca: Probably just so we can have a lot of gratuitous bikini-shots.
Tsuneo: -Which don't work in a text file.
Rebecca: The authour can dream.

>They turn around and return down the road. A small rock rolls down the
>hillside, but only Shayla notices it. She looks up the small mountain

Elana: [Shayla] So was that mountain always there, or is it just me?

>and sees a couple figures disappear behind a rock. She starts towards
>it but.

>"Hey Shayla! You coming," Afura asks.

>"Yeah yeah."

Elana: [Shayla] It's probably just Jinnai stalking us to launch some
inane plan for revenge.

>She turns around and catches up with the group. Meanwhile, Jinnai,
>Neekia, Diva, and the remaining Bugrom spy on the small group.

Dan: And they're all hiding behind the one rock?

>"Okay, how are we going to do this," Neekia asks.

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] You fly out there and wham splat them!

>The Bugrom start mumbling before Jinnai silences them, "Let' see.we
>have the element of surprise on them, although fire-bitch almost saw
>us there."

>"I say I surprise them with a head-on attack, taking out one of
>them immediately and leaving the rest too stunned to fight, although
>I do like to fight."

>Jinnai shakes his head, "No, they have an uncanny sense of noticing
>something like that.

Elana: It's rather hard not to notice a frontal assault.

>I suggest blasting them from up here. Can you do that."

>He gives Jinnai thumbs up, "Piece of cake."

>"Now, that only leaves one thing," everyone peaks over a rock, "which
>one to off?"

Dan: He can only hit one at a time? What kind of a lame-assed demon
god are you?
Rebecca: He's an economy model.

>"Which ones were the priestesses again?"

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] The ones who look the least like religious officials.

>"The one who's been in the sun too long is the fire one, the one with
>the pissed-off face is the wind harpy, and the one clinging onto Makoto
>is the water idiot."

>"There are two clingers."

Dan: One's in fatigues, and the other's in a delightful peach number with
frills and a matching hat.
Tsuneo: That show wasn't the same after Radar left.

>"The older looking one used to be the water priestess, she's almost as
>dumb as the new one."

Rebecca: You take that back! Nobody's that stupid.
Elana: She married Fujisawa for his income, remember?

>"And the guy she's hanging on?"

>"Masamichi Fujisawa. He's as strong as an ox, but almost as smart as one.

Tsuneo: In other words, he's perfectly qualified to be a public school
teacher.
Rebecca: Nope. Too dedicated.

>He should be easy."

>"How 'bout the cute one with the shorts?"

>"My sister, don't worry, she's no one important to me.

Dan: In fact, I don't think she's anyone important to the show anymore.

>As a matter of fact, get her, she'll just get in the way."

>"Damn, she's kind of cute," he lifts up his war hammer (a war hammer
>looks like

Rebecca: A Robotech Excalibur with the details changed. That is, until
Harmony Gold sued Neekia, then it ended up conspicuously never appearing.

>a sledge hammer) and stands on top of the rock.

Dan: Then a huge man with an axe wearing a bear skin pushed him off it.

>Electricity
>shoots through the handle and the head of the weapon as he holds it at his 
>side.

Dan: [Neekia] I need to earth my megaweapon.

>All of the electricity has built up in the hammer head
>and Neekia takes aim and smiles, "Too bad, we could have made
>beautiful music together."

Elana: So he is an El-Hazard Self-Insertion... and he's chasing after
Nanami? Isn't that a little, well, underachieving? I mean, you've got
Shayla or Afura there and they're not even attached.
Tsuneo: And what do you know, the seed for his betrayal of Jinnai has
been planted already. I'd say it was a surprise, but there you go.

>Unfortunately, the rock he's standing on breaks away
>and he falls backwards that causes the blast to arc away from the
>group only to land, and explode, ten yards in front of them.

All: ...
Tsuneo: So much for instilling them with a sense of awe.

>"What the hell was that?!"

>"Someone's asking for an ass-kicking!"

Tsuneo: Please oh please oh please let that have not been Makoto.

>Then they hear a not-so-cheery voice screaming from atop the mountain.

>"YOU CLUMSY OAF! HOW COULD YOU SCREW THAT UP?!'"

Dan: [Neekia] Critical fumbles! I rolled a one!

>"Stupid rock," Neekia says, as he blows it up.

>"ARGH! YOU IDIOT! BEHIND ANOTHER ROCK!"

All: ...
Tsuneo: These people are idiots.

>The bad guys crawl behind a larger rock and peak out at them.

Rebecca [Cobra Commander]: Get your own rock!
Dan [Jinnai]: Whole damn beach is crawling with underachieving villains!

>"Okay, plan B," Jinnai calls as they head down the other side of the
>mountain.

Elana: This is funny. But not in the way he thinks it is.

>The three priestesses and Fuji have taken a fighting position and stand
>in a circle.

Rebecca: [Afura] Fujisawa, form a square and face outwards!
Dan: [Fujisawa] Right. Ooh, it hurts!

>"That was Jinnai all right, I'd know that annoying scream anywhere,"
>Nanami says.

>"Really? That wouldn't be very smart, being as we overpower him," Qawool
>says.

Elana: You see Quawool, there's something very important you need to
learn about Jinnai. He's a moron.

>"I got a bad feeling about this," Makoto says.

>Jinnai then appears from behind them laughing maniacally as Groucho flies
>him down to the ground.

Elana: This will sound like a stupid question, but why is Diva with them?
Rebecca: You're right. It was a stupid question.

>"What do you want Jinnai?"

Dan [Jinnai]: World domination, your heads on a stick, respect. Little
things like that.

>"Haven't you figured it out by now? I want you and your little friends to
>give up.or I shall kill you.well, not me, but if you resist, you'll see
>what I mean."

Tsuneo: As threats go, that rates somewhere near the bottom.

>"Oh, I'm so scared," Shayla says, reaching for her lamp.

>"Actually, we should be the ones who should be saying that to you," Nanami
>adds.

Elana: [Nanami] As soon as I figure out what you actually said.

>"My poor, deluded sister, you're too stupid to realize that I would have
>not greeted you like this if I didn't have some plan."

Dan: I dunno, he could be doing it for yucks.

>"What do you mean?"

Tsuneo: [Jinnai] I'm not sure myself. But it probably sounds menacing.

>"Better yet, I'll show you." Jinnai snaps his fingers and another figure
>starts to float down next to Jinnai. Neekia softly lands next to him and
>smiles evilly. "I would like you to meet Neekia, perhaps the most powerful
>Demon God of them all."

Dan [Makoto]: Been there, seen that, bought the t-shirt.

>"WHAT?!"

>"You mean there's another Demon God," Miz screams.

>"Oh yes," Jinnai answers, "and I made sure this one is more powerful then
>Ifurita herself."

>"Oh yeah? Prove it," Afura demands.

Tsuneo: Just ask him.

>"Certainly," Jinnai nods to Neekia.

>Neekia smiles and grasps the hammer firmly.

Rebecca: I'd imagine that he gets a lot of practice at handling his
hammer.
Tsuneo: Don't make me hurt you.
Rebecca: Why not? This fic's making my life easy.

>He raises it above his head
>and with tremendous power, strikes it against the ground. A crater 
>surrounds the area where the hammer impacted and the ground breaks apart
>as the ground splits in two

Tsuneo: So it breaks apart?
Dan: And it splits in two.
Tsuneo: And it breaks apart.
Dan: Don't forget that it splits in two.
Tsuneo: Or that it breaks apart.
Dan: Yes, but it also- [Elana hits him with a cushion]

>and rapidly speeds towards the group. Nanami has to leap out
>of the way to avoid the crevice and everybody has jumps backwards.

Dan: Into trees, nonetheless.

>The
>crevice stops at a large tree, before the tree slowly sinks into the 
>ground.

Elana: This authour seems to have some serious issues with trees.
Dan: A tree bit his sister once.

>"Are you happy wind harpy," Jinnai asks. Neekia holds the staff out in
>front of him, it retracts and changes into a three-foot double-bladed 
>sword.

Tsuneo: Is that the *best* you can do? People have been waving around bigger
swords for years.
Dan [Neekia]: I was swimming! There was shrinkage!

>Jinnai points to the group, "Kill them."

>Neekia grips the hilt with both hands,

Rebecca: And takes slow, gentle strokes to begin with.

>"Do you have any preference on who goes first?"

Rebecca: It's a pity Alliele and Fatora aren't here. Otherwise, we could
volunteer them.
Dan: Speaking of which, does anyone know where Parnas has
got to?
Tsuneo: Nowhere nice, I hope.

>Jinnai shakes his head, "No, no, just make sure the job is done. Groucho."
>He snaps his fingers and Groucho flies him back onto the mountain.

Dan [Groucho]: Move this, move that, haul this, haul that. What am I, a taxi
service?
Tsuneo [Jinnai]: Quit padding your part, Groucho. Otherwise I'll fire you 
and hire that big red and blue Bugrom over there.

>Neekia looks around for an easy kill.and spies Nanami on the ground.

Elana: I suppose that's about as easy a kill as they come.

>He
>brings the sword to his side and charges. Nanami scrambles to dodge the
>swing as Neekia raises the sword above his head and strikes downward.
>The blow sends up millions of dust particles covering the two.

Tsuneo: Very impressive, but did it do anything?

>As the dust settles, Neekia has missed Nanami,

Tsuneo: So he can't hit a dazed Nanami who's lying on the ground? What kind
of a lame demon god is this guy?
Rebecca [Reading along his leg]: Copyright Lanard Toys, 1986, Made in 
China...

>but the force of the blow caused a small canyon to erect in the ground.

Elana: Canyons don't "erect", they "cut".
Dan: Maybe it's an above-ground canyon.

>Nanami stares at the ground in shock, then looks at Neekia.

Tsuneo [Neekia]: I, uh, meant to do that.

>"Damn.I missed," he says,

Rebecca: He's also a PG-13 Demon God.

>then turns his head towards Nanami. She
>nervously smiles then frowns again. Neekia pulls the sword out of the
>ground and holds it to her throat and smiles, "Goodbye." He lifts the sword 
>back behind him then.

Dan: Was attacked by random punctuation!

>.whips around and snatches Makoto by the neck, who was about to merge
>with Neekia.

Rebecca: Which is why he'd taken his pants off. [Tsuneo hits her with
a cushion] Oh come on, this fic's making it easy.

>"You fool," Neekia says, as he tightens his hold on his neck, "I know
>all about your ability synchronize ancient El Hazard artifacts.

Dan: He bought the BESM sourcebook.
Elana: [Neekia] Curse the infernal vagueness of the 'unique attribute'
power. Curse it!

>It
>wouldn't have mattered even if you did because I have no good in my soul,"

Elana: He's Goodness-Reduced and 99% fat-free.

>Makoto pays no attention to what he says and grasps his arm in
>an attempt to enter his mind, but nothing happens.

Tsuneo: The stupid network had crashed again.

>"No luck, huh? Well
>that figures, being as my arms weren't made in El Hazard."

Rebecca: So he's a kitbashed demon god?
Dan: Yup. He's mostly made of [Blank] with the head of [Blank] and generic
Corps arms.

>"What," Makoto gasps through as his grip around his neck tightens.

Tsuneo: So precisely where did his arms come from anyway?
Rebecca: They're just re-colours of the 1982 Cobra Officer's.
Tsuneo: Uh-huh. Any bets that this is never explained?

>Neekia holds his sword to his side and smiles (this guy could beat
>Xellos in a smiling contest ^_^ [hey, so could I ^_^]),

Rebecca: Don't delude yourself. Nobody can out-smile Xellos.
Dan: Not even Kim Kaphwan?
Rebecca: Out-grin, maybe, but not out-smile.

>"Don't lose your head over it.I can do that for you."

Rebecca: That's all this world needs. A demon god who thinks he's funny.

>Before he can give Makoto the worst haircut in the world.

Elana: He needed to get a pudding basin.

>"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tsuneo: He was jumped by a whole stream of letters!

>Fujisawa screams as leaps into the air and plants his foot squarely into
>Neekia's cheek.

Dan: SUPER FUJISAWAAAAAAAAAA BOOT TO THE HEAD!

>Neekia flies through the air and impacts face first into
>the mountain side,

Rebecca: Flatbag.

>which destroys the side of the mountain, burying
>Neekia in a humongous rock slide.

Tsuneo: I'm impressed.
Dan: SUPER FUJISAWAAAAAAA LANDSCAPING!

>On the mountain top, the Bugrom are dressed like cheerleaders with pom-poms

Elana: Urk... there's an image I'll need some serious therapy to get over.

>and Diva and Jinnai are cheering through a bullhorn, "FIGHT! FIGHT! GET UP
>AND FIGHT!"

Rebecca: Actually, right now would be a good time to consider running away,
or at least moving to safer ground.
Elana: This is Diva and Jinnai we're talking about here.
Rebecca: Silly me.

>As the cheering continues the hill of rocks explodes and Neekia stands
>through the dust with electricity shooting through his body,
>his staff is nowhere in sight.

Rebecca: He'd *finally* zipped up his pants.

>"So you want a fist-fight old man," Neekia asks, cracking his knuckles.

Dan: Crick crack knuckles.

>Fujisawa charges at him, throwing a punch which Neekia easily catches.
>Fuji struggles to gain the upper edge as he punches with his other hand,
>which Neekia also catches. The two stand there for several minutes, each
>trying to get the upper edge,

Tsuneo: Then Fujisawa kicked him.
Dan: SUPER FUJISAWAAAAAAAAAA KICK TO THE NADS!

>before Fuji starts to win, and pushes Neekia
>back. Then Neekia's pupils start to glow red.

Rebecca: Well that's original. I don't think I've ever seen a demon god with
Death-ray eyes.
Tsuneo: No teleportation, no super-sonic flight, no power copying, no mass-
destruction blast, but death-ray eyes anyway.
Elana: I believe his qualification for being the greatest demon god relies
on there being no other demon gods left.

>"Huh," Fuji says before realizing what's going on, and quickly stops his
>push and bends backwards as the laser barely misses his face, and explodes
>in a forest. "Great! Just great! He had to shoot lasers from his eyes,
>didn't he?!"

Rebecca: He can also fly by shooting flames out of his limbs, breathe fire
and has a laser beam in his chest.
Dan: That's Gamera.
Rebecca: Gamera would be more fun.
Dan: He is mighty, and the friend of all children.
Rebecca: He's big and full of turtle meat.
Dan & Rebecca [Singing]: Gamera is Really Neat! He is full of Turtle Meat!
You are Groovy, Gamera! [Tsuneo hits them both with cushions]
Tsuneo: That's it, no more all-night atomic monster movie marathons for you
two.
Dan & Rebecca: Awwww...

>Fujisawa then feels Neekia's knee in his stomach. As Fuji
>cringes in pain, Neekia grabs the back of his shirt and pants and throws
>him at the mountain.

Elana: What is it with mountains in this fic? They seem to just crop up
from out of nowhere.
Dan: There's bad pop-up in this fic. The scenery doesn't load until it's
right in front of you.
Tsuneo: Well, the authour could be using "mountain" as a cover-all term for
cliffs, hills, bluffs, dunes and the like.
Dan: Oh sure, ruin all my fun.

>"No!" Miz screams.

Elana: He's survived worse.

>Before Fuji hits the wall however, a strong gust of wind stops him and he
>is slowly floated down to the ground. As his head lands on the ground, he
>looks over to Afura, "Thanks."

>"No problem."

Dan: [Fujisawa] So where were you during the rest of the fight?
Elana: [Afura] Giggling derisively at his 'staff.'

>They look over to Neekia, scream, and run as soon as he leaps at them with
>a giant double-headed axe.

Dan: Hey, Astaroth called. He wants that back.

>As he swings, he nearly cuts the mountain in half.

Dan: ...that's one hell of an axe.
Tsuneo: Well, here "mountain" was being used to cover "Small rock".

>He's pushed forward as a giant fireball hits his backside.

Rebecca: Hot Napalm Enema on the first date. Well done.

>"Got 'im," Shayla yells.

>As the smoke clears, Neekia stands there with the back to the group, "Is
>that the best you got," he calls to Shayla.

Tsuneo: He just ignored Shayla's attack. Why am I not surprised?
Dan: He didn't ignore it, he just simply refused to sell it.

>Shayla, angered at this comment, fires another fireball at him, which he
>simply jumps over. He kicks off of the cliff's ledge

Elana: Remind me, are they going to a restaurant or hiking through the
Grand Canyon?

>and brings the axe
>above his head, aimed directly at Shayla. He throws it at her, which she
>simply dodges.

Elana: I am not sure what it is, but he is just not impressing me.
Rebecca: Could it be the way that he hasn't actually hit a single one
of them yet?
Elana: That is probably part of it.

>Nanami seizes the opportunity and pulls the axe out of the ground.

>"I got it," she yells.

Tsuneo: Somehow, I just don't think he's frightened.
Dan: His mistake. If fighting games have taught me one thing, it's that
Japanese Schoolgirls are lethal. [Looks at Elana] Say...
Elana: Don't even think about it.

>But her words are too late as the axe quickly
>retracts to its staff position. Nanami is shocked by the quick
>transformation, and she drops the staff. Neekia holds out his hand as the 
>staff shakes a little bit and jumps into his hands.

Rebecca: Okay, so the magnetic hands are worth something. I bet they *still*
wont have knees though.
Dan: That's harsh.
Rebecca: No, harsh will be Firefly dancing around Obi Wan, taunting him with
his *ankles*.

>"Not yours, is it," Neekia asks her, smiling and chuckling afterwards.

Elana: He learnt both fighting and grammar from Yoda.

>(I apologize for taking that quote.)

Tsuneo: Too late.

>The staff changes into the sword, and electricity starts to charge up
>the blade.

Dan: Hey, where'd he find a wall socket out here?
Rebecca: He's got the new model electric sword. This one's battery powered
and recharges off the mains.
Dan: Aaaah.

>Neekia swings the sword, which releases a giant energy ball at
>Nanami.

Elana: Look out! He's carrying a loaded sword!

>Fujisawa was quick to this, as he leaps at Nanami, grabs her, and
>leaps out of the blast's way.

Elana: Maybe if you tried aiming...

>Neekia frowns a bit before he feels a strong force against his side.
>Qawool breaks off her attack after the water spike hits his side.

>"Good job. You got him," Makoto calls to her, she smiles at him.

>Neekia gets up and rubs his badly bleeding arm. He tries moving it, but
>he can't. Qawool has crippled his arm.

Tsuneo: Crippled by Quawool after only one attack? What kind of a lame-arse
demon god are you?
Rebecca: I suspect he was the last one left in the shop.
Tsuneo: So why was he crippled by her, but not even phased by Shayla, who's
more powerful?
Elana: He's a variable-elemental boss monster. Right now his weak point is
'stroppy priestess.'

>Shayla runs to the other side of
>Neekia and Afura runs in front of him. All are about ten yards away from 
>him, and have activated their weapons.

>"What are you going to do now," Shayla asks him, smiling.

Dan [Neekia]: The Funky Gibbon!

>He looks at her, frowning, and retracts the blade back into the
>staff position. He enters it into the three holes in his back,

Rebecca: Wouldn't it be funny if he accidentally stuck it in the
wrong hole?

>and pushes the staff into place. Electricity runs up his body
>as the blood disappears from his arm and he raises it above his
>head.

Tsuneo: He's got instant regeneration. How do you stop that?
Elana: Try casting Dispel, or hitting a certain part of his body.
Rebecca: Yeah, the crotch.

>The staff fires out of his back, he catches it, and holds
>it out in front of him.

>"Well, what are YOU going to do now," he asks all three of them.

Rebecca [Afura]: Fire off a combined water, fire and air attack
that will probably make you very dead, very funny looking or,
most likely, both.
Dan [Neekia]: I did wonder.

>Shayla charges up and a large wave of fire erupts from her body.

Rebecca [Shayla]: Dragon... SLAVE!

>Afura charges up her lamp as well, and sends a deadly gust of
>wind at Neekia,

Rebecca: I see Afura had the chilli bean surprise for lunch.
Dan: Maybe that's why she's so unpopular.

>while Qawool kisses her ring and large amounts
>of water swirl around her and form a giant spike and fires it
>straight at Neekia.

Rebecca: Well there ya go.

>The three elemental blasts make a direct impact at Neekia, as
>heat, wind, and a large spray of mist fly from the target point,
>causing Makoto, Nanami, Miz, and Fuji to duck, Miz wrapping her
>arms Fujisawa's neck.

Elana: This is the point where he comes out of it unharmed.
Dan: I don't know, after being slammed by Quawool...

>"I'd like to see him try and survive that one," Shayla yells.

>"Yes, not even Kalia could have survived three attacks at once,"

Tsuneo: Can and did.

>Afura says, reassuring.

All: NOBODY COULD HAVE SURVIVED THAT!

>Their hopes are broken as the smoke and dust clears, a lone figure
>stands there. Neekia isn't scathed at all.

Tsuneo: So let me get this straight... one attack from Quawool cripples
him, but all three of them firing at once at full power doesn't even
scratch him?
Elana: I believe the authour has heard of consistency, but will have
no truck with it.

>"There's no God damn way!"

Rebecca: Hulk Hogan with the Finger Poke of Doom should do it.

>"It's impossible!"

>"I can't believe it!"

Dan [Deep]: It can. It is. Optimus Prime is back.

>Neekia smiles, "Believe it kid." He frowns again and stares at Afura,
>"I grow bored, so now it's my turn."

Tsuneo: [Neekia] Now watch me as I fire off big attacks that manage to
do absolutely nothing, yet still claim to be the greatest demon god
ever.

>He places the staff back in his back again and runs full sprint at
>Afura. Afura is able to jump out of his way, but he stops inches
>behind and swings his leg at the back of her knees, causing her to
>fall down.

Tsuneo: Uh, you know, she could have *flown* away.
Elana: Yes, but that would be too obvious for this fic.

>Before she hits the ground, however, Neekia plants his
>knee harshly into her backside. She gasps in pain as she is lifted
>into the air, and Neekia does a roundhouse kick at her kidneys, which
>sends her careening into the mountain side.

Rebecca: Splat.
Dan [Capcom vs SNK2 announcer]: A beautiful demonstration of the art
of the combination attack.
Tsuneo [Neekia]: I am victorious and happy as an oyster!

>Qawool is quick to the draw,

Elana: Stealing three Firagas from Neekia.

>as she creates large amounts of water to protect her.

>"You think that's going to protect you!" Neekia screams at her.
>He pulls his staff from his back

Elana: So he's been walking around with that thing sticking out of
his back? No wonder the Priestesses are so ineffective. They're
probably laughing themselves silly.

>and holds it in front of him, along
>with his other hand. Electricity starts to appear in the staff and
>his other hand, but instead of gathering in the end of the staff and
>in the palm of his hand,

Rebecca: If you look closely, you can see a Tesla Trooper standing
behind him.

>two arcs of electricity jump from the staff
>and his hand onto the ground, creating two continuous strands of
>electric.

Dan: -Eels!

>Neekia pulls his hands back, then thrusts them out again,

Tsuneo: He takes a jump to the left-
Dan: And a step to the right...
All: [Singing] Let's do the time warp again!

>and the two arcs head straight for Qawool. Qawool increases the amount
>of water she's using to protect her,

Tsuneo: She's tapping those lands like there's no tomorrow.

>but as the electricity strikes the water shield, it quickly conducts
>itself into the shield, surrounding Qawool with dangerously electric
>water.

>"You idiot! Water conducts electricity,"

Rebecca: Yeah, and wood floats on water too.

>Neekia yells at her,
>smiling. He takes a step closer, increasing his hold on the water.

Elana: So he's got a morphable staff that copies weapons, super strength,
super-speed, flight, energy blasts, death ray eyes, electrokinesis, hydro-
kinesis and the ability to shrug off enemy attacks. Is there anything he
can't do?
Tsuneo: Hit an easy target?
Elana: Well said.

>Qawool watches in horror as electricity sparks and crackle in her shield,

Rebecca: Remember, when using Quawool, make sure you are properly earthed.

>before a large strand of water wraps around her body,
>shocking her, and lifting her into the air.

Elana: Hmm... Maybe he's worth our respect after all.
Rebecca: It's only Quawool. I'd call it a public service.

>Neekia laughs maniacally as he lifts her higher into the air,

Dan [Neekia]: I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naught... er...

>pumping more electricity in her. She screams as her muscles lock
>and small strands of electric

Dan: -Train sets.

>shoot from her fingertips. The water
>finally stops about thirty- feet into the air, and she starts to
>fall to the ground unconscious.

Rebecca: He hits the priestess... she flies out, across the pitch...
That's a six.
Dan: I guess they overturned that ban on Dwarf-throwing after all.

>"Qawool!" Makoto screams as he runs after her but stops yards away
>as Neekia catches her by her neck before she hits the ground.

Elana: Now he's just showing off.
Dan [Neekia]: Okay, so I can't shoot, can't menace and have problems
with walking in a straight line, but I do play a mean game of catch.

>He smiles at Makoto and shakes Qawool a little bit.

Dan [Neekia]: Hello? hello? Is this thing on?

>"You want her," he asks Makoto curiously, shaking her a couple more
>times. Makoto stares with anger at him, Neekia smiles again, holding
>her closer to Makoto, "Then come and get her."

Tsuneo: That does it. These scavenger hunts are now, officially, out of
control.

>Makoto would have, but fear held him back.

Elana: That and the wad of gum on his shoe.

>Neekia raises his eyebrows,
>and in an annoying voice, "Oh, you don't want her?" Makoto takes a
>step at him, Neekia wraps his arm around her neck, "Then can I have her?"

Tsuneo [Neekia]: She followed me home. Can I keep her? Please? She won't
eat much and I'll take her for a walk every day. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

>Qawool slowly opens her eyes and through tears she quietly says,
>"Makoto."

>"Drop her Neekia. You have no reason to harm her or anyone," Makoto
>says with teeth grinding.

Rebecca [Sarcastic]: Ooh, scary, scary. Don't we look mean?

>"But don't you see? That's the beauty of it all. You don't NEED a
>reason to kill if you're evil, you just do as you please,"

Dan [Neekia as Dr Forrester]: Well what do you want? I'm evil! Dammit!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!
Tsuneo: If he's meant to be a servant like Ifurita, why's he so
volatile and uncontrollable?
Rebecca: He enjoys his job.

>he
>transforms the staff into a four-foot pole, "Now, how do you want
>her? Prime cutted?

Rebecca: Scotch fillet, medium rare.

>Or my specialty." he transform the pole into a spear, "shish-ka-bob."

>"Don't do it!"

Dan: [Neekia] Oh, you're no fun any more.
Rebecca: At least prepare some satay sauce first.

>Neekia holds the spear to Qawool's neck and..

>*SMASH*

>Neekia screams in pain due to the tremendous blow Nanami just dealt
>him with a large rock.

Tsuneo: ...having just ignored three priestesses on full blast, he's
wounded by Nanami throwing a rock? This makes no sense!
Rebecca: Try not to think about it.
Elana: He's got a "resist fire" spell, a "resist wind" spell, a
"resist water" spell, but he hasn't yet thought up "resist rock".

>She drops what's left of the rock saying, "That's heavy."

Elana: Why thank you, Nanami. I'd have never guessed otherwise.

>He turns his head to her, blood running down his face and a little
>bit dripping from his hair, "You bitch! You'll regret that!" He
>transforms the spear into a war hammer

Rebecca: Which, thanks to Harmony Gold, we don't get to see.

>and holds it inches from her
>face, "So you like smashing people's head with objects, huh?!

Tsuneo: For gods sake, get this guy a dialogue coach.

>Have some of."

Dan [Neekia]: My nice, hot, lemon tea with some scones.

>he never finishes as another fireball hits his back.

Rebecca: Another hot napalm enema? That means she *must* like you.

>Shayla starts to pant as beads of sweat run down her face.
>Neekia looks over his shoulder with anger in his eyes.

Dan: [Neekia] Hold on, you can't all die at once.

>"DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP,"

Dan [Singing]: They never give up, they never say die, walking-
Elana [Pointing sword at Dan]: Don't.

>he screams as he raises his hammer above
>his head and the head of the hammer starts to develop a purple glow
>around it. He swings it which releases a semi-large ball of energy

Tsuneo: "Semi-large?"
Rebecca: It's like "semi-tall".
Tsuneo: So... don't think about it, in case the universe implodes?
Rebecca: Got it in one.

>at Shayla. She attempts to counter it,

Dan: And hits Neekia with the Spinning Piledriver of Certain Doom.

>but her shield is quickly
>penetrated and she flies backwards, landing on the ground harshly.
>Neekia's eyes quickly change from anger to that evil, passive look.

>"I got to calm down. I could get careless," he looks over at Makoto
>and Fuji, "So.who's next?"

Rebecca: La Parka!
Dan: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. F**k, you, WCW (R).
Rebecca: Crowbar!
Dan: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. F**k, you, WCW (R).
Rebecca: Norman Smiley!
Dan: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. F**k, you, WCW (R).
Rebecca: Psychosis!
Dan: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. F**k, you, WCW (R).
Rebecca: Chris Benoit!
Dan: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. F**k, you, WCW (R).
Rebecca: Third R&B Security Man on the right!
Dan: Spear, Jackhammer, Splat. F**k, you, WCW (R).
Tsuneo: ...what the hell was that?
Rebecca: With the demise of both WCW and DDT Digest, Dan and I have
been working on a simulator.

>Fujisawa takes several steps forward, fists at ready, but Miz grabs
>his arm and tries to stop him.

>"Please Fujisawa! Don't do it," she yells at him.

>Fuji smiles at her, "I have do. I might be the only hope we have left."

>"But." she's silenced as Fuji rubs her cheek.

>"Don't worry." He then stares over at Neekia and frowns again.

Dan [Fujisawa]: Right! Now write out "I will not blow up members of staff"
a hundred times on the board after class, young man!

>Neekia looks annoyed, "Oh.how sweet. Make me sick why don't you." He
>takes a step forward then hears Shayla groan and he looks over at her.
>Then Qawool moves a little bit, and Afura gasps. "How can that be? They 
>should all be dead.."

Elana: Well, she's on zero health, which means she'll pass away in 'a
dramatically appropriate length of time' if the GM feels like it. I
hate loose game mechanics.
Rebecca: You really are a half-arsed Demon God, aren't you?

>"FUJISAWAAAAAA PUNCH!"

>"Huh?" Neekia looks over at Fuji as soon as his fist catches Neekia's
>jaw. Neekia flies a dozen yards backwards and skids on the ground.

Elana: Most of this fight has been people skidding back several feet
along the ground.

>His head stops several feet short of a rock.

Tsuneo: Hooray! For once in this fic, we've been spared an act of
random violence towards rocks!
Elana: Don't you mean "mountains?"

>Fuji shakes his hand, "Damn. That's one hard jaw."

>Neekia regains his composure as he rolls on his shoulders

Dan [Neekia]: Uhhh... wait a minute... this isn't quite going right...

>and with his arms and legs, jumps into the air to land on his feet.

Tsuneo: [Neekia] You like it? I saw Jackie Chan do it once. Huh, huh.

>As he
>stands upright, he notices a small trickle of blood running down his mouth. 
>He wipes it away, stares at Fuji and smiles.

Dan: [Neekia] And for my next trick, I'll faint from blood loss.

>"I commend you. You are definitely much stronger then I am. However." he
>holds the staff up and transforms it into a double-headed axe, ".that
>still doesn't hide the fact that I could slice you into itty, bitty 
>pieces."

Rebecca: And then Fujisawa hit him again.
Dan [Neekia]: Ah, I see you are very strong and tough. Bt I will yet
stop you!
Rebecca: And then Fujisawa hit him again.
Dan [Neekia, woozy]: Yes, you are very tough. But in the end, I will
beat you.
Rebecca: And then Fujisawa hit him again.
Dan [Neekia, very woozy]: I like pie. [Falls over]

>He runs at Fuji and does a horizontal swing. Fuji jumps over that, and
>attempts to kick him in the face.

Tsuneo: Just so I know, is this turning into yet another Matrix riff?

>Neekia blocks the kick with the axe,
>and Fujisawa, still in the air, falls down and Neekia takes advantage
>of this, pinning him to the ground with the axe handle.

>"What should I do now?

Elana: Take a fifteen-minute break and resume afterwards.

>I could cut your head off, of perhaps I'll give
>you a quick death, transforming the end of the handle into a spear head.
>Or maybe."

Tsuneo: ...everyone will blast you while you're gloating?
Dan [Neekia]: Didn't think of that. Ouch.

>"Let him go!" Miz screams.

>Neekia looks up at her, only to see her charging with a rather strange
>knife.

Rebecca: Watch it. That's a +3 cheese knife she's carrying.

>But as she nears and swings, he slightly jumps back, lifts his
>arm, does about everything to dodge her attacks.

Dan: Okay. Why is the knife so terrifying?
Elana: As it turns out he's allergic to cheese.

>On her last swing,
>he grabs her wrist and lifts her into the air.

>"You're not worth my time," and throws her aside.

Elana: There's famous last words.

>He never notices
>Makoto running at him, though, and Makoto wraps around his waist and
>merges with him.

Rebecca: Getting a little fresh with the demon god, aren't we?

[The TV switches off]

Dan: So he bothered to include Quawool, huh? The true mark of a diehard
fan.
Rebecca: Yeah, next thing you know, the ruler of the universe will show
up.
Tsuneo: She didn't actually do much, did she?
Dan: It's the principle of the thing.
Elana: It also kept her true to the series.
Rebecca: Yeah, but including Quawool is so low. You might as well include
the amazing vanishing love interest guy.
Tsuneo: You keep mentioning this guy, but I don't remember him at all.
Elana: I think she means that farmer Rune Venus settled down with in the
Alternative World.
Tsuneo: No...
Dan: You remember, how the priestesses all shacked up on his farm?
Tsuneo: I remember the farm, but not this love interest guy.
Rebecca: He ran the farm on the floating island.

[Tsuneo shakes his head]

Dan: Well, I guess that's what happened to him.
Elana: What do you mean? He just vanished between episodes, and they never
mentioned him.
Dan: Yeah. He got retconned. The good old Floating Island claims another
victim.
Tsuneo: So will we miss him?
Elana: He was fiercely one-dimensional and completely devoid of personality.
Tsuneo: Ah, now it all makes sense.
Rebecca: What does.
Tsuneo: Neekia said he wasn't from El Hazard. So he must be the 'fiercely
one-dimensional' vanishing love-interest guy.
Dan: That... actually makes a sick amount of sense.
Rebecca: I can't think why, though.
Elana: Standards for Demon Gods must be awfully low where he comes from.
Rebecca: Yeah, well all they've got is the ruler of the universe.

[They all chuckle. The screen goes blank]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster
(jinas@elmerstudios.com)

Elana, Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster)
Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random
	DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one
	spot.

Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp,
	all in one big steaming pile.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>She notices the staff, "Does your power key staff do anything?"

>Neekia smiles, "Oh yes.actually it's one of my more dangerous assets."