-------------------------------------------------------------------------- For episode 140 we return to the Magnificent World of El Hazard for an Utterly un-magnificent fic. El Hazard is copyright Pioneer/AIC El Hazard: The World of Good and Evil is copyright JS Smitty Smith ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small, battered artificial Christmas tree lying behind one of the couches, looking for all the world like it has been trodden on.] [Dan, Rebecca, Tsuneo and Elana are sitting on the couches. Books, paper and pencils are spread out on the coffee table, and each of them are going through other sheets of paper] Tsuneo: So are we all done? Dan: Think so. I'm finished up here. Rebecca: I'm finished. This is a work of art. Tsuneo: I dread the thought. Elana: I was done long ago. Tsuneo: So how do you want to handle this? Elana: How about we pass the character sheets around and each have a look? Rebecca: Sounds fun. [They pass the sheets between them] Rebecca: I wonder what Maya's going to think of my character? Tsuneo: Given your reputation for munchkins, probably a heart attack. Rebecca: I'm not a munchkin. I just use the numbers. Tsuneo: There's a fine line between use and abuse. Dan: Well I've got Elana's here... And damn, she's a babe. Elana: Dan! Dan: Hey, the character sketch turned out pretty good. I really dig that 'curvy plate armour' look. Elana: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. Rebecca: You drew it, you live with it. Tsuneo: So what have you got here? Dan: An Elven... Paladin? What the hell? Elana: You can do it in 3rd ed. Dan: But a paladin? That's just wrong? Elana: Why? The old rules were discriminatory against demihumans! Tsuneo: Not this again... Dan: C'mon, all Elves are mages or fighters, everyone knows that. But not paladins. Elana: And you'd know, would you? Dan: Yeah! I played a lot of D&D. Tsuneo: Dan - just look who you're talking to here. Dan: Huh? Oh... oopsie. Elana: At least they got rid of that whole "Elves can't be raised" farce. My great uncle Fred would have never lasted under that regime. Rebecca: Wait a sec, and Elf named Fred? Elana: Some players have no imagination when it comes to names. Tsuneo: Okay, so we've got our main fighter together. Who's up next. Rebecca: Well, I've got Dan's offence here. Dan: Offence? There's nothing wrong with my character. Rebecca: Dan, you're playing a Bard. Everything's wrong with your character. Dan: Hey! Bards kick! They get all the chicks. Tsuneo: Please tell me he put a good attribute in Charisma. Dan: Of course I did! That way I'll get more chicks. Rebecca: ...Apart from that, he's little more than an XP leach who will Spend all his time hiding behind someone else. Dan: I am not! Rebecca: You've got crap attributes, crap combat skills, crap spells, crap equipment, crap everything. Heck, you didn't go near the weapon feats. Dan: Its not my concept to be a good fighter. Rebecca: He had a character concept. Tsuneo: That's interesting. I find it interesting that you'd concentrate on something other than combat abilities. Dan: My concept is that he's a chick magnet. Tsuneo: ... Dan: And Maya always puts babes in high places in her games. Tsuneo: Oh god... So you've got mine, Elana? Elana: Yep. Looks good so far. Dan: What is it? Elana: Human monk. Odd that you piled everything into Dexterity instead of Strength. Tsuneo: I wanted to model him more around a Shaolin monk than anything else Elana: That's nice, but aren't you about three genres to the right? Tsuneo: They should have thought of that before they brought back the monk. Elana: I did find it rather strange that I could wander into a Chinese temple smack bang in the middle of a European fantasy realm. Dan: Monks? Hey, those guys rock. Tsuneo: Guess that means you'll be hiding behind me. Dan: Yeah, especially when you turn him into a monk/assassin. Tsuneo: I am never turning him into a monk/assassin. Dan: What's the point of playing a monk if you don't turn him into a monk/assassin? Tsuneo: For starters, and assassin is a prestige class, so it'll be pretty hard. Then there's the alignment conflicts. Dan: Aw, nuts. These new rules suck. Rebecca: I don't know, my character wouldn't be the same without them. Tsuneo: About time I had a look. Wait, another fighter? Rebecca: No, I'm a sorcerer. Tsuneo: So what's with the character art? Armour and paired swords? Rebecca: Well, a fighter/sorcerer. Tsuneo: You're kidding, right? Rebecca: Maya let us have 5th level characters, so I put it to good use. Elana: This smacks of rules abuse. Rebecca: That's rich coming from the multiclassed 2nd edition port. Elana: I'll shut up now. Dan: So let's hear it. Rebecca: I made her a human and took a starting level as a fighter for the maximum hit points and bonus feats. I sunk my feats into ambidexterity and two-weapon fighting, as well as proficiency for the bastard sword. Tsuneo: Wait a sec, those are *both* bastard swords? Rebecca: I can wield both at once and still come out with a positive to-hit number. At first level, I was dishing out an average of 19 and a maximum of 28 hit points in melee combat. Tsuneo: You're insane. Rebecca: It doesn't end there. I used the optional 'purchasing magic item' rules in the DMG- Tsuneo: Wait a sec, you should have cleared that with Maya first. Rebecca: She'll thank me later. Dan: So what did you get, magic swords? Rebecca: No, I pulled the spellcaster's armour out of the third-party 'Arms and Armour' guide. God, I love that open license. Tsuneo: You are nothing but a rules-abusing twink. Rebecca: No, I'm a 3rd edition player. Elana: You can't fault her on that. Dan: Is it too late to change my character? Voice: Morning all. Rebecca: Hello there, Emperor of the Universe. And goodbye. Nice knowing you. Voice: Very funny. Elana: Are we returning to that El Hazard fic then? Voice: Yes, yes you are. Tsuneo: Good. I need to clear my head after what Rebecca just did. Voice: You're surprisingly enthusiastic. Tsuneo: Don't ask. Just roll the fic. [The TV switches on] > Makoto opens his eyes to find himself floating through a field of > debris. He looks all around, hoping to find a sign of Neekia. Dan: Hang on, he said that Makoto couldn't merge with him because he wasn't from El Hazard. Elana: No, it's his arms that aren't from El Hazard. I guess the rest of him is. Dan: So where are his arms from? Rebecca: They're Mexican bootlegs. > Although he has said many evil things in the short time he was > there, there's something about him. Elana: The fact that he was useless? Tsuneo: The way that, no matter what he does, you can't help but laugh at him? Rebecca: He's about as competent as the Predacons from RiD. > Then a bright flash engulfs the field, Dan: Barry Allen must be really hard up for roles if he's doing this. > and Makoto has to cover his eyes. He reopens them to find > himself standing on a destroyed temple overlooking a ruined city. > But not all of the city is in ruins, Rebecca: Some of the buildings are still on Red damage and can be repaired. > about a quarter of it is still > standing, then he hears the hideous laughter of Neekia. Dan: Vweee hee hee hee! > He looks high > into the sky and sees the same dark-clothed Demon God floating over > the ruined part of the city. But something's wrong, Rebecca: He's not wearing any underpants? > it was too easy > to find him and his eyes.his eyes have a blood-red glow to them, Elana: To many all-night destructive rampages will do that to you. > sending shivers up Makoto's spine. Neekia continues to laugh maniacally Dan: G'fa ha ha! Look at me! I'm a demon god! > as he raises a war hammer over his head and fires a giant > ball of lightning at a standing building. As it strikes the building, > it explodes in a giant ball of fire, sending the building crashing > to the ground. Tsuneo: Nice trick. Do you do birthdays? Dan: Fortunately, it was an abandoned part of the city. > Neekia enjoys this, as he smiles wide and laughs > evilly again. Makoto looks disappointed. Elana: [Makoto] Didn't I see this at the end of El Hazard 2? > "There was no point in coming here. He was built evil, and contains > no regret for what he does to people," he lowers his head, "He has > no soul at all." Rebecca: So can he get a refund? Tsuneo: Then just shut him down and be done with it. Elana: Doesn't that count as euthanasia? Dan: We're waiting for the supreme court's ruling. > Makoto slowly closes his eyes, about to break the link, but something > moves on the ground. Rebecca: We'll get it digitally edited out of the DVD edition. > His eyes shoot wide open, hoping to catch what > it was. Nothing. Makoto thinks he's seeing things.then it moves again. Dan: It's the cat from Trigun! Meow! > "Someone else is here," Makoto thinks as he tries to climb down the > temple. The figure once again runs from behind a slab of concrete and > stops. Tsuneo: No, further towards the kill zone... > Makoto is shocked beyond belief.another Neekia! But something's different. Rebecca: This is the Indian Funskool Neekia. He's made of cheaper plastic and has differently-coloured accessories. > His clothing is white, with strands of gold running through it. Dan: I get it, he's the player two palette swap. > His eyes actually have pupils too, the same brown pupils the Neekia > outside had. But there's no evil to it, there's a hint of fear in these > eyes Rebecca: And a stain on his pants. > as he constantly runs from slab to slab. Elana: Really? He could be running from slab to slab, dodging Neekia's fire for the fun of it. > "He must be hiding from the other Neekia," Makoto says Elana: Really? Sounds like a good idea to me. Dan: It might be his hobby. Tsuneo: He might be in the middle of a platform game. Rebecca: Any second now, the camera will inexplicably focus on his ankle and he'll plunge to the ground. Tsuneo: Still bitter about Sonic Adventure after all these years? > as he slides > onto the ground. He sprints to where he saw him last and looks behind > the slab. Not there. Dan: So he looked behind the couch. Not there. Rebecca: Then he looked under the fridge. Not there. Elana: Then he panicked. Tsuneo: Turns out it was on the coffee table all along. > Then he finds someone running into his back and > Makoto nearly falls down. He turns around, hoping it's not Neekia, > but the other Neekia (I think you know what I mean). Dan: He means the Neekia that is Neekia, as opposed to the Neekia that isn't Neekia. It's simple. Tsuneo: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Dan: Neither did I. > Luckily, it was the good Neekia, who's just standing there in shock. Rebecca [Neekia]: It is I, the Neekia who is Neekia who is not the Neekia who isn't Neekia who is I the Neekia who is Neekia who is the Neekia who is... Mojo Jojo. > "You.you're.why are you here," he asks Makoto. Dan: Daddy did a nasty thing with mummy, and nine months later... > "Are you.all right," Makoto asks. Tsuneo: [Neekia] Naw, I usually bleed profusely like that. > Neekia breaks from his trance and rubs his head, "I'm.sorry.it's just > that.there's no one.to talk to.without hearing the words.kill or. > destroy." Rebecca: Daleks are hopeless conversationalists. > "How long have you been here?" Elana: Seven years, five months, two days. Dan: [Doyle] See? She does know me. Rebecca: DING! Super-obscure! > "Too long.thousands of years.each day.destruction.need rest," Tsuneo: [Neekia] And maybe.puntuation.and coffee. > he falls to the ground, his arms supporting him. Elana: Nice piece of engineering, but the battery life is too limited. Dan: [Racer X] I can't feel my legs. Carry me, Speed. Tsuneo [Speed Racer]: But you're walking along beside me, just fine. Dan [Racer X]: God damn it, just do it! Tsuneo [Speed]: I'm just saying... Dan [Racer X]: Oh yeah, I'm not your brother. Really. Even though I sound just like it, and the announcer points it out every five minutes. Really. > Makoto runs to him and bends > down to his level, some tears run down Neekia's cheek. "I'm sorry.for > all the evil my double has done.I have no control over his actions." Elana: Did you try asking him nicely? Dan: [Neekia] Never occurred to me. > "That's okay, it's not your fault." Dan: [Neekia] Well actually it is, but never mind... > Neekia weakly gets to his feet, "I can help you.help me find my staff. > and I can get rid of my evil twin." Elana: So why didn't you think to do that in the last few thousand years? Rebecca: [Neekia] I was on my coffee break. > "Do you know where it is," Makoto asks, helping him to his feet. Tsuneo: [Neekia] If I knew where it was, I'd have it by now. > "Somewhere over there," he replies, pointing to the east, "We got to > hurry, as soon as we're a hundred yards from it, he'll know we're here." Dan: Fortunately there's a huge green arrow hanging over it. > "Got it," Makoto helps Neekia stand upright, and they run east. They > duck behind every slab large enough to hide them, till finally, Neekia > gasps. Dan: Is that Neekia or the Neekia that isn't Neekia or- Tsuneo: Shut up. > "We're close, I can feel it. Makoto, when we're within ten yards of it, > I won't be able to go any further or I'll be destroyed." All: Huh? Rebecca: [Neekia] But I'm not leading you into a trap or anything. Nosiree. > Makoto nods > his head, then they hear explosions growing closer to them. "He's > coming.hurry!" Dan: So whack him on the head a few times with your hammer, then get back to chasing the cute little bird. > They run further and harder then before, Neekia slowing down every > second. Tsuneo: I thought they were ten yards away. Elana: It's a very long ten yards. > Soon, he falls down, and calls to Makoto, "You're not far! > Find the staff and bring it to me!" Dan: Unfortunately, he got distracted looking for djinnis on the way. Tsuneo: In ten yards? Elana: Very, very long ten yards. > Makoto nods and keeps going east. > He can feel it too, he can feel the presence of the staff somewhere. > around.here.. Tsuneo: Then he realised he'd trod on it. Dan: Those Chaos Emeralds turn up in the wackiest of places. > Then, right in front of him, the one foot staff floated > five feet off the ground surrounded by a bright, red glow. Rebecca: [God of the strawberries] This is the ring of Raxx. We don't know what it does, but it may be useful to you. Possibly. Dan: DING! Obscure bonus! How are we doing, voice? Voice: I lost you ages ago. > Makoto hesitantly reaches for the staff and pulls it out of the glow. Tsuneo: Should I even bother asking why it's just hanging there? Elana: It's a mystic artefact. They do it all the time. > As he > brings it from the outsides of the bright glow, the glow disappears > and Makoto blinks several times, before turning and running towards > Neekia. As he reaches the place where Neekia laid, he finds both of > them there, staring at each other. Rebecca: Oh wow, this is just like Face/Off, except with weiners. > "You coward," the one in black says to Neekia, Tsuneo: [Neekia] You can't call me a coward and get away with it! Dan: [Red Bladder] You great coward! Tsuneo: [Neekia] He got away with it. Rebecca: DINGDINGDING! > "too afraid to get it > yourself. So you get some wuss to." He points the large battle axe at > him and grins, "Now both of you shall die." Tsuneo: So is there any reason why you didn't kill him in the intervening years? Elana: It wasn't dramatically appropriate. > "Neekia! Catch," Makoto yells to the good one, as he throws the staff > at him. He catches it, leaps to his feet and raises the staff Dan [Neekia]: I... Have... The power! > at the > evil one, before a large energy ball forms at the end of the staff. Tsuneo: [Makoto] Just so I know, am I actually needed for this scene? > Neekia yells, releasing the ball from the staff, and impacting the > evil Neekia, sending him flying far in the distance. The good Neekia > inserts the staff into his back Rebecca: Now there's something you don't see every day. > and grabs Makoto by the shirt, "Let's get out of here!" > Makoto looks down to find that he's floating several feet in the air, Tsuneo: [Makoto] Here we go again. > before lifting off in great speed, and the ruins of the city disappear > in a white glow. > Outside of Neekia's body, Elana: I get it. It was all one of those weird, metaphysical, inner- demon wossname thingies. Dan: Wossname thingies? Elana: Roughhousing with an adventuring party does strange things to your vocabulary. > Neekia starts to glow white as a weird ball > of energy slowly emerges from his body and begins to mold into Rebecca: A fully formed Transformer. > two > bodies and the glow disappears. Everyone except the ones surrounded by > the glow Dan: Which would be nice if you'd actually detailed who was where. > stares at wonder at the three arisen figures. Even Shayla, > Afura, and Qawool could force an eye open to watch. Elana: So exactly how long were they in there, and what was everyone doing out here in the meantime? > As the glow completely disappears, Makoto is being held off the > ground by a white robed Neekia, Elana: He's only a few alignment infringements away from being a red. > who is staring at the one dressed in black. Neither are amused. Dan: So the squirting flower is definitely a no-no? > "So.you're out," evil Neekia says, the good one sets Makoto down, Rebecca: [Neekia] Yes, it's time our special relationship was known. > "Well, now that you're out here where I can destroy you, I will not > hesitate to." Elana: So why aren't you? [Long pause] Dan: [Neekia] I was getting to that. > "You want to kill me? But then you'll never be complete. You'll never > be at full power," the good one taunts. Dan: He's as powerful as a Saiyan can be; he simply can't progress any further. Until the next season, that is. > "I don't care, because as of now, El Hazard is ours. Rebecca: [Neekia] And I have the title deed to prove it. > I have gained much experience since our imprisonment, Tsuneo: How? Rebecca: Well he gets his learning attribute in skill points every month... and over ten thousand years it kinda adds up. > and am much more skilled > in energy attacks and hand-to-hand combat then you." Dan: [Neekia] Plus I make a mean teppanyaki. > "I don't believe you." Elana: None of us do. Rebecca: [Neekia] Okay, so I'm making it up. > "I don't care, because I know what I've have been doing these past > several thousand years, and can handle any damage more effectively > then you can." Tsuneo: Will someone PLEASE explain what's going on here? Rebecca: Good Neekia says he's more powerful. Bad Neekia says he's tougher. > "Well, handle this!" Then the good Neekia thrusts out the now four-foot > long staff Rebecca: Eat OverCompensative Rod, evil doers! Mwahahaha! Tsuneo: Grow up. Rebecca: When the fic does, I will. > and some sort of red energy begins to circle around it. As > the energy spins faster, Neekia screams as it fires out in a thin stream > of it. The evil Neekia is too stunned to dodge Dan: [Neekia] Ooh, shiny energy- AACK! > and the blast goes right > through the left side of his chest. He grips his chest and screams in > pain and falls to his knees. He starts coughing small amounts of blood > before he feels the foot of the other Neekia against his chest which > sends him flying several yards away. Tsuneo: [Neekia] Remember, I'm the good one. > The evil one slowly tries to insert the staff into his back. Tsuneo: Just don't go there, Rebecca. Rebecca: Look, I respect that if he wants to do that he can, he just shouldn't do it in front of other people. > The good one knows he's too late and > inserts his own in. Dan: So why don't you just blast him again? [Long pause] Rebecca: Because he wants to get his jollies with his- [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > and looks over to Afura. He's run to her, gently > touches her cheeks with his hands, and places his forehead against hers. Dan: And we have a love interest. Elana: [Afura] But we haven't even been introduced! > "This won't hurt at all," he assures her as a bright glow appears then > disappears. He picks up Afura in his arms and calls to Fuji, "Mr. > Fujisawa! Get Shayla and Qawool!" Dan: What, no instant-healing for them? Tsuneo: Guess we've found the author's favourite. Elana: I thought that was Nanami. Tsuneo: Probably changed his mind. > Fuji hesitates, electricity starts > to shoot through the evil Neekia and he starts to get up, Tsuneo: So he accidentally plugged himself into a wall socket? > "Now!" Fuji > jumps and picks up Shayla and Qawool and runs next to Neekia, Miz jumps > on his back. Elana: Good thing he's so slow to recover. Why, you've got enough time to take a second shot. > "Hop on Makoto and Nanami," Neekia calls to them, Makoto > climbs on his back, and Nanami wraps her arms around his neck. Dan: [Neekia; choking] Not so tight... > A large > gust of wind starts to lift Neekia and Fuji off the ground, which > startles him, almost dropping Shayla, "How the hell do you know that?" > Neekia shrugs and smiles, "I copied it from Afura's mind," Rebecca: And that's when she busted you for patent infringement. Tsuneo: Oh, so now he's copying stuff from people's minds. What else can he do, pray tell? Dan: Punch through Bugrom hide like it was made out of cream caramel? > and in > another gust of wind, they take off. The evil Neekia looks up to the > sky and yells, "YOU BASTARD! GET BACK HERE!" Dan: So why not fly off after them? Tsuneo: Or shoot 'em? Elana: Well, you see, that would require THINKING. There's something you need to know about Neekia. You see, he's an idiot. > He throws his staff out in front of him as the ground starts to be > pulled into a giant fireball appearing at the end of the staff, > "TAKE THIS!" The fireball is then fired at the good Neekia in a > cylinder-shaped blast. Tsuneo: Everything in this fic takes so long to happen. It's no wonder they're getting away. > The blast, however, misses Neekia by several > feet and they fly off into the distance. Rebecca: Good or evil, you still suck. > The evil one shakes his > staff angrily at the figures and starts to float off the ground > himself, before Jinnai calls to him. > "Hold it!" He calls, running up to him, "Just who was that?" Dan: [Neekia] It's my good counterpart from an alternate universe. Rebecca: [Neekia] It's my long lost twin brother Fred who looks just like me. Tsuneo: [Neekia] It's my stunt double. Elana: [Neekia] That was the real Neekia. The interesting one is, who am I? > Neekia places the staff into his back, "In one way, you could say he > is me, and in another way, he isn't." Elana: Damn, is this turning into one of those "you must confront yourself and all that" things? Because if it is, I'm out of here. > "What do you mean?" Dan: [Neekia] Um... Can I use one of my lifelines? > "It's complicated, but if you let me destroy him, I promise to make > up for lost time." Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Why? You haven't done anything useful yet. > Jinnai thinks about this for a minute, "What did he mean when he said > you won't be at full power?" Rebecca: Well, he bought all his powers with the (-1/2) "only if good half doesn't blow me up and run away" limitation, but he really didn't think it would come up. > "Well, when we're one being, we have several advantages then if we were > separated, but it doesn't matter, our desires are completely different. > He protects, and I destroy, simple as that, he'd only get in my way." Tsuneo: Translation: He sucks. Elana: I'm beginning to realise why he was never used. Dan: Could you say that all again? Rebecca: Let's try running it through the Babelfish. [Tsuneo goes over to the computer] Tsuneo: Through German, we get: "well, if we are, which is, have we some advantages if we were separated, but it does not constitute, our desires is completely different. It protects itself and I destroys, simply, like that, it only received in my way", Then through French: "well, if we are, who is, have to us some advantages if we were separated, but it does not constitute, our desires is completely different. It is protected and I destroyed, simply, like that, it only received from my way", Then through Italian: "if we are, that it is, we must we some advantages if we were separated, but does not constitute well, our desires we are completely different. It is protect and I have destroyed, simply, like that one, it I have only received from my way", Then through Portuguese: "if we will be, this we are, we we must we some advantages if we will be separate, but he does not constitute upper-class, our desires that we are full different. It is protects and I destroyed, simply, as this, it who I I only received from my way", Then through Spanish: "if we are, this we are, we who we must some advantages if we are separated, but he does not constitute of the high class, our desires that we are completely different. He is protects and I destroyed, simply, like this, that I received only from my way", [Long pause] Rebecca: Nope. Didn't help at all. Voice: Do you mind? Tsuneo: Oh, alright. [He returns to the couch] > "That wasn't what I asked, what powers do you gain when you are > together?!" Dan: [Neekia] I can turn into animals, and he can shapechange into things made out of water. Yeah, I got the good half of that deal. > Neekia glares at Jinnai, "My powers aren't much different then if we > were together. We both are able to change our staffs, and we both know > the same moves, Tsuneo: So they're both Shotoclones. Elana: Since they trained together, all their similar skills are at an extra level. > such as Lightning and Energy Needle, and we both have > the ability to copy someone's mind." Rebecca: And then download it onto a singe five and a quater inch disc. > "Eh?" > "What he did to Afura before he flew off, we can link minds with > another person to learn or gain new attacks. Elana: It's better than some other models of Demon God who have to study artefacts, let the opponents attack them or even eat their opponents to gain their attacks. > But when apart, we have > to constantly charge up, like Ifurita, opposed to our unlimited power > source when one body. Dan: If you've got an unlimited power source, why do you need to stick your staff in your back? Rebecca: It gives him a certain "special" feeling. Tsuneo: Watch it. > But our most noticeable power when one body.we > have the power to merge dimensions." Dan: Assuming the shareholders agree. Tsuneo: So what exactly does that do? Elana: Nothing. But it looks good on his resume. > As Makoto looks down from Neekia's back to see a great field quickly > passing by them. Dan: Oh, look. It's a field. And another field. And another field. It's almost like a scene from Manos, The Hands of Fate. [Sobs] > Nanami changes her grip around Neekia's neck Tsuneo: [Neekia] Aack... You're... choking me... Rebecca: [Nanami] That's the idea. > "Could you stop, my arms are falling asleep," she asks him. > "Sure," and the wind underneath them begins to decrease and they are > slowly floated back to the ground. Dan: Right here? We can still see them, for crying out loud. Elana: True, but I doubt evil Neekia would notice. > Nanami lets go as soon as she's close enough to the ground and runs > over to Fujisawa as he lands. Neekia lands and Makoto jumps off his > back. Neekia looks up and notices they landed right next to a forest > and sets Afura against a tree. Rebecca: She's going through one of her rigid phases. Not much to talk to, but great if you need a battering ram. > Fujisawa does the same with Qawool > and Shayla, never taking his eyes off Neekia, however. Tsuneo: If he makes one wrong move... SUPER FUJISAWA him! Dan: [Fujisawa] I don't like his filed teeth and his watery yellow eyeballs. Elana: [Nanami] You can't even see his face from here. Dan: [Fujisawa] I don't like his belligerent elbows and his threatening ear-backs. > Neekia checks Afura's pulse, he smiles and says, "Yeah, they're going > to be all right. Tsuneo: [Neekia] It's just a mere gash to the bone. > He didn't expect them to be that powerful." He looks > over to the other conscious people, all staring at him with concern. Dan: [Neekia] What? What? Is it my face? Or is my fly undone? > "I understand how you may feel," he says to them, " 'Just because he > saved us it doesn't mean he's on our side.' Elana: You've got to admit that it is a good start. > That's what you're thinking, I understand. I don't blame you. Tsuneo: [Neekia] I did try and blow you all up just a few minutes ago. Oops, that came out all wrong. > The only thing I can give you is my > word that although I am part of that monster, I am his complete > opposite. Where he lives for death, I live for peace, Dan [Neekia]: Because this world is made of... LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! > that is the only reassurance I can give you." Rebecca: Is now the time to run around yelling and screaming in panic? > Silence for the next ten seconds, before Fuji sits down, "What other > choices do we have," and pulls out a bottle of sake and starts chugging > it. Tsuneo: [Fujisawa] Well the situation looks hopeless. Might as well enjoy it. Elana: [Miz] No drinking except on Sundays, remember? Tsuneo: [Fujisawa] I hate my life. > Miz sits down next to him while Nanami and Makoto tend to the > priestesses. Neekia sits down in front of them and smiles, "I'm open > to questions." Tsuneo: Did you inhale? Dan: Did you have sexual relations with that woman? Rebecca: Are you a crook? Elana: What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? > "First of all," Fuji asks, swallowing some sake, "what was with the > deal between you and.him?" Dan: [Neekia] We've got a dual-occupancy, time-share body. Tsuneo: [Neekia] He got the upside and I got the downside. You see, there's two sides to every demon god. > "When construction on my body begin many thousands of years ago, right > here in El Hazard, the race building me intended my purposes to be used > purely as a peace settlement between Roshtaria and the other nations, Rebecca: Which is why they gave you such incredibly huge powers, right? Tsuneo: How does building a demon god work as a peace settlement? Dan: Peace or boom? > however, due to the low position the country designing me was in, they > had to keep my construction a secret." Tsuneo: Even though he's a peace settlement? Elana: I'm beginning to doubt the truth in that statement. > "There are no documented evidence on the construction of another Demon God," > Miz argues. Dan: [Neekia] That's because I levelled the place... Whoops, that came out all wrong. > "Was there any evidence on Kalia?" Tsuneo: Only at the sites relating to her. Dan: [Neekia] Okay, so much for that one. Rebecca: Kalia was an undocumented feature. > Miz starts to argue, but decides against it. Elana: [Miz] If I keep quiet, it'll be over faster. > "Going on, they were very good at keeping my construction a secret, Dan: [Neekia] Everyone worked on a separate part of me and no-one was allowed to see the other parts. To this day, I still walk funny. > making > sure to only allow their most trusted scientists in to work. Unfortunately, > information leaked out on my construction, Rebecca: It was stolen by a Crimson Guard masquerading as a lab assistant. Those guys get everywhere. > obtained by the Phantom Tribe leader Hores. Tsuneo: [Makoto] But the Phantom Tribe didn't arrive until after the great war that destroyed El Hazard. Dan: [Neekia] Shaddup, kid. Is this your story or mine? > Using his powers of illusion, he was able to pass by the > guards of Roshtaria, Elana: [Hores] You can't see me, I'm invisible! > and gain great ranks among them. When the time came, he > told the then rulers about me, and the race. Tsuneo: Rather than stealing you for his own nefarious purposes? Rebecca: He got to be the leader of the Phantom Tribe by inheritance, not intelligence. Dan: Another great blow for the Phantom Tribe republican movement. Now if only they could get off that electoral college system they're obsessed with... > With this information, however, > he also included the lie that they were planning on using me as Ifurita was > used, and construction on me was near complete, although I wasn't even > half-way built yet. Tsuneo: So it wasn't near complete, was it? Elana: And why didn't he try sabotaging your construction while he was at it? > Roshtaria's first plan was to confront the country, but > Hores rejected that, saying that by the time their representatives would > reach the country I would have been awakened and would have destroyed them. > Their second option was war, but Hores once again included the lie that I > was near complete, and weapons would be powerless." Dan: These ancient Roshtarians were very trusting. > "What did they do," Nanami asked from Shayla's side. > "What else could they do. Dan: Drop the ____ing hammer. > launch the Eye of God." Tsuneo: Negotiations? Public apology? Appeal for sanity? > Jinnai and Diva are being carried to Florestica by the Bugrom Dan: [Bugrom] I'm a soldier, not a porter. Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Quit padding your part, Harpo! Dan: [Bugrom] I'm Zeppo! Harpo expired two miles back. > with Neekia walking by their side, talking to them. > "Wait a minute, go back," Jinnai tells Neekia, "They used the Eye of God > TWICE?" Rebecca: The first time was the beta test. > "That's right. At the time it was an extremely drastic measure for > Roshtaria, but Hores convinced them that it was the only way without > awakening me," he smiles wickedly, "God bless that bastard." Tsuneo: So they blow up half the world based on the advice of a dodgy scientist? And everyone's okay with this? > "But that's impossible," Diva argues, "There has only been evidence on the > use of the Eye once." > "Yes, that doesn't mean that they didn't use it." Rebecca: But if there's evidence of it being used once, why isn't there evidence of it being used twice? > "But the Eye of God is the most destructive and largest weapon there is, > there would have been SOMEONE that would have documented its use." Dan: He worked for Microsoft and buried it in one of the appendicies. > "But that's just it, no one but the princesses were there to witness it." > "Say what," Jinnai and Diva asked. > "An ancient artifact, older then the Eye itself, which is capable of putting > all those except the ones activating the artifact to sleep for a short > period of time. Elana: Ah, the Deus Ex Machine. > This ruined Hores plan of sabotage, much like Galus's plan. > The princesses sucked the country into time and space, never to be heard > from, or recorded ever again." Tsuneo: And nobody noticed? Dan: That's okay, nobody like them anyway. > "That doesn't explain how you're here, and your dimensional merging > ability." Rebecca: Okay, brace yourselves. Here comes the exposition. Elana: We're already in the exposition. Rebecca: Well here comes MORE exposition, dammit! > "I was getting to that. The warp of time and space caused very few to > survive the trip, much less go through un harmed. I was only half-way > complete at the time Dan: [Neekia] My legs got sent to Dimension X. > I arrived at the place of Gorothy with three scientists. Tsuneo: One with wide, crazy hair, one with a scar across his face and one with a strap-on nose. > The people at Gorothy were peaceful people, and very intelligent. Rebecca: [Neekia] So we killed them all. > The three scientists that survived the trip tried their hardest > to control their tempers, but alas, they're hopes were in vain," Elana: So the last survivors of your civilization are a trio of mad scientists? No wonder you're so messed up. > he smiles > maliciously, "Their hunger for revenge drove them over the edge, and > stealing the technology of the Gorothians, Dan: Heh. You said 'Gorothians.' > finished their construction on me in an unbelievably short amount of time. Elana: It took almost as long as this exposition! Rebecca: It's barely started. Elana: [Sobs] > They ran upon several problems when construction was complete. Tsuneo: They'd forgotten to install an 'on' switch. > One, half of me, the first half, was created with > too much good, and free will. Dan: That was is lower half. Do you really want your nads to have a mind of their own? Rebecca: Yours do, Dan. In fact, they make all your important decisions. > So, they had to make two seperate copies > inside my mind, which could be set free if ever given the chance. Tsuneo: Why didn't they just erase your mind and start over? Dan: [Neekia] I said they were mad scientists. I never said they were any good at it. > Two, they > were trapped in a different dimension, they had no possible way of ever > reaching El Hazard. Rebecca: I hear the public transport access to Gorothy is terrible. > So, for years and years on end they worked tirelessy, > endlessly, never stopping, never resting, until one day, when only two of > the scientists were left, they solved it. Dan: [Scientist] We'll put anchovies on only half the pizza! > In a brilliant flash, a new dimension stood before them. Elana: So where exactly did this new dimension come from? Was it hiding behind a tree? Rebecca: [Scientist] Actually, we were only trying to invent the double beer hat. > The sheer excitement of this new technology, > only discovered by an even older race that built the Eye of God, killed one > of the scientists. Tsuneo: It was the happiest day of his life. Briefly. > The one left, Galgus Mahs, worked for years by himself, > inputing all his knowledge of El Hazard into my memory banks, as well as my > abilities. Dan: [Neekia] Which explains my unnatural fixation with collecting matchbooks and snake-skin trousers. > He also worked to put in a obedience chip into my system, except > gave me more of a free spirit to do as I please. Tsuneo: Um... Um... Elana: Yes, it was the new and improved free will obedience chip. > And then, in the year 4057 in Gorothy, I was born. Rebecca: And there was much rejoicing. All: [Bored] Hooray. > Galgus then ordered me to destroy Gorothy. Tsuneo: [Galgus] One day lad, all this will be yours. Dan: [Neekia] What, the curtains? Tsuneo: [Galgus] No, not the curtains. > They fell within six months. Elana: So they're a peaceful society and you're "the greatest demon god ever" and it took you six months? Rebecca: He's a unionised demon god. All: Oh. > After our last vicotry, Galgus explained to me that he was dying. Dan: [Neekia] I'm not sure if it was the time I dropped a building on him, or the time I threw him off a cliff that did it. > He was over ninety, Elana: He was a young man when you started expositing. Tsuneo: You're so lucky you live for centuries. You can wait this kind of thing out. Elana: It has its downsides. Tsuneo: Oh? What's that? Elana: Sunday afternoons for all eternity. > and wouldn't survive much longer. He then > explained my ability to jump between dimensions, and how to preform such a > task. Tsuneo: Now remind me, why didn't they just use that technology to go home as soon as they found it? Rebecca: They're easily distracted mad scientists. > I succeeded on my first try. As a last order, he commanded that I find > someone as evil as I, and take him to El Hazard to reign havoc on them. Dan: [Neekia] So I put out a "Help wanted" ad. > I searched for thousands of years. Destroying any dimension that I came upon, Tsuneo: Why? Dan: [Neekia] Why not? > well, except for one, but that's a long story. All: Not again! > Then I came upon my second, > and last master until you came along. He was Forth, that's all, he never > said his last name. Rebecca: Probably because it was just too embarrassing for words. > We traveled for years searching for El Hazard, each day > growing more and more stronger, and more and more wiser. Dan: [Neekia] We learned that trains can't stop on a dime. Tsuneo: [Neekia] We learned that two wrongs don't make a right, but if you blow everyone up, no-one will care. Rebecca: [Neekia] We learned although great power comes with great responsibility, it's more fun if you ignore it and torch everyone. Elana: [Neekia] We learnt how to talk for pages without pausing for breath. > But, his heart was in the wrong body. Tsuneo: Just where was it meant to be? > Apparently, his mind was much like Ifurita's, tired of > the killing and violence, and only wanted peace. And each time he touched me > my reign over my body grew weaker and weaker. Rebecca: And I began to lose control of my bladder. > Then, on that day when we > arrived at El Hazard, he grabbed my shoulder and exclaimed the beauty of the > land. Tsuneo: [Neekia] So I shot him for being a sap. > As that teardrop rolled down his face, HE escaped. Me and my double > fought for hours, each trying to kill the other, Rebecca: Powering up, levelling cities, torching mountains and blowing away unmanned aircraft. > in the middle of it, Forth > tried to interfere, and was killed in the process. All: Whoops. > Without someone to > control us, our minds collapsed, and we merged into one, emotionless, > immoveable, body. Tsuneo: Which doesn't explain the whole "Trapped in the side of an easy-access mountain" thing. > I do not know what happened after that." All: BREATHE! > "Obviously someone must have found you and built the shrine to protect you, > or protect others," Jinnai estimates. > "I find it all impossible to believe," Diva exclaims, "I still don't > understand WHY they would use the Eye of God to get rid of ONE person." Elana: He asked them politely. > "Apparently, Hores was a VERY persuasive person," Neekia replies. Rebecca: [Neekia] Or my story is stupid. Take your pick. Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Stupid. Elana: [Diva] Very stupid. Dan: [Makes bugrom noises] > Jinnai rubs his chin, "If all of this is true, Dan: [Neekia] And you're actually buying it. > and you CAN merge > dimensions," he looks up towards Neekia, "Neekia! I command that you do not > destroy your double!" > "What?! That's crazy! He's the only person who can match my power! Tsuneo: Apart from a schoolgirl with a rock. > I could die!" Rebecca: [Neekia] Or even get hurt! Elana: [Jinnai] It's a sacrifice I am willing to make. > "That is not what I want to hear from MY Demon God! Is there any possible > way you can merge back with your double?" Rebecca: Yes, but we can't show it until after 9:30 PM. [Tsuneo glares at her] > "Simple, I have to have control over his staff, Rebecca: SEE? Tsuneo: ... > place one of my hands on his forehead, and presto! We become one again." Elana: Oh, is that all? Dan: Well, they have to do a funny dance and each put on an earring. > "If it's that simple, then that's great!" > "What?" Rebecca: As long as he agrees to become evil again, that is. > Jinnai leans closer to Neekia, "Think about it...if you can merge > dimensions, there is no limit. The Bugrom Empire will expand over time and > space, El Hazard would be a mere pebble in our hands." Dan: You mean the kind that slips through your fingers, falls into your shoe and has you walking funny for the rest of the day? > Neekia looks amazed. > "That is brilliant Lord Jinnai," Diva says, "Now, countless worlds will be > ours to command." Elana: Hold on, you've still got to take this one first. Dan: You've always got to bring up those annoying minor details. > Neekia shakes his head and smiles, "I can't believe it, I have spanned > multiple universes, ech holding new and different knowledge, and yet I never > thought that up myself." Tsuneo: Well that's because you're an idiot. Dan: [Neekia] Oh, yeah! > Jinnai leans back and puts his hands behind his head, "Well, it's only > natural to be amazed at God's Chosen One," Rebecca: The sad thing is, Jinnai's the brains of this outfit. > he starts laughing maniacally, > joined by Neekia, and Diva smiles at them, "ONWARD! TO ROSHTARIA!" > "TO ROSHTARIA!" > The Bugrom lift off as does Neekia.and they fly towards the great palace. Tsuneo: [Jinnai] No, it's the other way! > Miles away from the Bugrom, Fujisawa struggles to stay awake. Elana: He's not the only one. > "I think I drank too much," he says groggily. > Makoto wipes Shayla's forehead with a cold rag and sighs, "I never thought > I'd hear sensei say that." > Nanami does the same with Afura, "I hear you." > Miz is kneeling down next to Qawool, "Say, where's Neekia?" Dan: He got lost looking for the little demon god's room. > Nanami points to a large tree on a hill, Miz looks up and sees Neekia > sitting on a branch looking at the horizon. Elana: Snap. AARGH! [Miz] Idiot. Rebecca: Hey Neekia, care to come down here and look after the injured? You are the good one, after all. > "What to do...what to do," he mumbles to himself. His eyes shoot open when > he hears Nanami calling to him. > "Hey! You! I want t talk to you!" > Neekia looks down to Nanami and jumps down from the branch, he slowly walks > up to her. > "Yes." > Nanami nervously smiles and laughs (no folks, she's not lovesick, just a > little scared of an ultra-powerful being, that's all), Rebecca: She's got to be about the only one so far. Dan: It's not like he's actually done anything to impress anyone. Tsuneo: Maybe she just failed her save vs. awe factor. > "Well, uh...I was > just wondering, is there any possible way that you could > um...see...what...your double is seeing?" Dan: [Neekia] Yes, but I have to pay $39 per month for it. Rebecca: Only through the miracles of webcams! > "At times it is, I'm not quite sure how it works. Sometimes I am able to see > through his eyes, and sometimes I'm not, Tsuneo: [Neekia] Sometimes I get SBS. I can't figure it out. > right now I'm not." > "So...you have no control when you see him?" Tsuneo: [Neekia] It only happens when it's convenient for the plot. Dan: [Neekia] Wait a sec... I'm getting a vision... He's standing behind me... He's raising his staff... Gee, I wonder what he's about to- Elana: THUNK! [Nanami] Idiot. > "No, I sure don't." > Shayla slowly opens one of her eyes and notices Makoto taking care of her, > she forces a smile... Rebecca [Shayla]: Got him alone at last... > until she sees Neekia. Being unconscious for a while, > she had momentarily forgotten what had happened. She shoves Makoto out of > her way and faces Neekia, all those awake stare at her. Dan: Shayla sleeps naked. [He grins until Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > "You...bastard...you're going to...regret that," she weakly says. Elana: [Shayla] Right after my bones knit. > Neekia just stares at her, "Rest now, don't exhaust your energy." > "No...must protect...Makoto," and she faints into Neekia's arms. Dan: Lucky stiff. Why do the demon gods get all the babes? > He gently > sets her against the tree and looks at Makoto, "Can I have a word with you?" Tsuneo: [Makoto] You just did. Dan: [Neekia] What? Tsuneo: [Makoto] Have a word. Dan: [Neekia] What did I say? Tsuneo: [Makoto] "With." Dan: [Neekia] Well can I have another word? Tsuneo: [Makoto] You just did. Dan: [Neekia] When? What did I say? Tsuneo: [Makoto] "When." Elana: You two are bored, aren't you? Dan: You noticed? > "Uh...sure," Makoto nervously says. He slowly walks to his side and they > head into the forest. > "Anything you need," Makoto asks nervously. Rebecca: [Neekia] Alright, I need a 4 by 2, a photo of Queen Victoria and a live ferret. Dan: Tonight on Iron Chef! > "Huh, oh, nothing I need, just a couple of questions," Neekia coughs and > looks up, Dan: [Neekia] So which one of those girls are you doing, and which ones are free? Tsuneo: [Makoto] None, and as many as you want. Just get them off my back. > "While I was traveling through Afura's mind to find her ability to > control the wind, I came up on some interesting memories she had the back of > her mind." > "What? What do you mean?" Rebecca [Neekia]: Well, it involved you, her, a bathtub full of banana yoghurt and- Dan [Makoto]: Would you look at the time? I have a train to catch. > "When I connect with someone's mind to gather information, it's very > strange. Most people would think of their minds as one long hallway that > contains many doorways leading to different sections of the mind. But it's > not. Instead, it's one, long row of rooms, and in order to get to a certain > section of the brain, I must travel through many, many other sections of the > mind." Rebecca: Makes me wonder what the inside of Tango's room looks like. Dan: [Neekia] What it basically meant is that in order to get to priestess training, I had to go through potty training. > Makoto looks at him in utter confusion. Tsuneo: [Makoto] I'll just smile and nod, and hopefully he'll shut up. > Neekia face droops, "Okay, that's not the point but what I saw when I was > going through her mind intrigued me. Dan: [Neekia] Did you know that they share showers up on mount Muldoon? Tsuneo: [Makoto] Was there any reason to go through her memories, or were you just looking for the naughty bits? Dan: [Neekia] I could tell you stuff that would make your eyes bleed. > I saw her overlooking the landscape on > top of the Eye of God, and then she turned back to you, Fujisawa, Nanami, > and Ifurita." Rebecca: As well as Tourist Guy, CATS from AYB, Cliché Kitty and Domo-Kun Photoshopped into the background. > "You know Ifurita?" Elana: They were in the same class at high school. Dan [Neekia, Geeky]: Say, uh Ifurita... I, uh, was wondering if you were doing anything after class and, uh, maybe we could go and blow up a city together? Rebecca [Ifurita]: Sorry, Neekia, I'm busy. Dan [Neekia, Geeky]: How about tomorrow night? Rebecca [Ifurita]: Sorry, I've, uh, got a hair appointment. Dan [Neekia, Geeky]: Well then how about Friday? Rebecca [Ifurita]: Look, Neekia. I'm busy all week. Maybe sometime later. Dan [Neekia, Geeky]: Yeah, sure. Later. See you then! [He waves] She digs me. > "Not exactly, my original design was like hers, but as you can see it > changed a little bit. Elana: You're a man for starters. Dan: [Neekia] Actually that was an optional extra. > But I was quite intrigued with the conversation that > took place, or should I say, was more interested with you tone of speech > with Ifurita." > Makoto's face turns red. Tsuneo: [Makoto] It wasn't me! I wasn't there at the time! My uncle owns a duck farm in Kent! > "Hey what's the matter with you," Neekia asks smiling, "Afraid to show your > feelings about someone?" Dan: [Makoto] I do, but nobody ever listens. > "What?! No way! I'm pretty sure I made my feelings quite noticeable about > her!" > Neekia laughs, "That's the spirit!" In the back of his mind Neekia ponders > something, Dan [Neekia, thinking]: Note to self. Pitch idea to network. "El Hazard Temptation Island". > "Hmm...I haven't told him about the dimensional merging I am able > to preform, maybe I should merge with Neekia, just to see if it works." Elana: That's a horribly big risk just for a "What if" idea. Dan: How do they tell who's in charge when they merge? Rebecca: They have a phone poll, and whoever gets the least votes is evicted from Neekia's head. > "Why do you want to know," Makoto asks sternly, awaking Neekia from his > daze. Tsuneo: [Neekia] Well, I had this idea for a practical joke. How would I look in a white wig? > "Oh nothing, it's just that there's this little ability I can..." he stops > when an image runs through his head, and he stares horrifyied. > "What's the matter?! Tell me, what's the matter?!" Dan: [Neekia] I left the oven on back in my shrine! > "It's Neekia...he's attacking Roshtaria!" Tsuneo: [Makoto] But you're right here! Dan: [Neekia] Not me, Neekia! Tsuneo: [Makoto] But you're Neekia. Dan: [Neekia] He's Neekia! Tsuneo: [Makoto] So who are you? Dan: [Neekia] I'm Neekia. Tsuneo: [Makoto] So who's attacking Roshtaria? Dan: [Neekia] Neekia! [Long, long pause] Tsuneo: [Makoto] But you're right here! > The evil Neekia laughs menacingly as he throws his staff high into the air. Dan: Funnily enough, he sounded like Naga the Serpent. Rebecca: I guess they're more different than we first thought. Either that, or his pants are pinching. > It stops about ten yards above him, and begins to fire out dozens of > lightning bolts from its ends. Explosion after explosion occur as Jinnai > looks down from Diva's throne which the Bugrom are carrying in the air. Tsuneo: That's nice. But are you actually accomplishing anything? Rebecca: No, but it looks speccy. > "Isn't this amazing Diva," Jinnai asks smiling, "To think that we've been > trying so hard to conquer El Hazard and we're doing it with only one > person." Elana: [Diva] Didn't we try that before with Ifurita? Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Yes, but this is different! Elana: [Diva] And what about with Kalia? Tsuneo: [Jinnai] This one won't turn on us! Elana: [Diva] What makes you say that? Tsuneo: [Jinnai] He said so! > "Yes, but don't forget about the plan," Diva says. Tsuneo: [Jinnai] There's a plan? > Jinnai chuckles, "Why would_I_forget? I came up with the plan, remember?" > Jinnai starts laughing as the palace moves closer and closer. Dan: Is it meant to do that? Rebecca: Then it ran over them. > The Bugrom set the portable throne on the outskirts of the palace and two > guards rush out of a doorway and aim their weapons. > "Hold it right there you vile piece of filth," one calls > "Don't try anything funny or we'll attack," the other one yells. Tsuneo: So how certainly doomed is a palace guard when confronted with the master villain? Elana: With those lines? They're dead. > Jinnai raises his hands in the air, "You got me," he says annoyingly before > Groucho and Zeppo leap from behind them, starteling the two guards and they > are kicked to the ground. Jinnai, Diva, and the Bugrom all walk into the > castle. Tsuneo: What, Diva's actually walking somewhere? Dan: Okay, so Chico and Margaret were carrying her. > The good Neekia flies as fast as he can towards Roshtaria with Makoto in one > of his arms. Dan: [Neekia] Gad, it's a wonder men can live at this speed. Tsuneo: [Makoto] Can't you go any faster? Dan: [Neekia] You mad fool! We're already doing eight miles per hour! Rebecca: Regional airlines haven't been the same since the Ansett collapse. > "Which way to go now," Neekia yells through the wind. Elana: Towards the palace you're already heading towards? Rebecca: Follow the trail of destruction. > "East!" > Neekia adjusts his direction of flying a little bit. > "Was it really a good idea to leave everybody there," Makoto asks. Dan: [Neekia] I can't carry you all at once! I'm only a single seat demon god. Rebecca: He could have carried more, but I don't think he trusted either Afura or Shayla to stick the staff in his back. > "Well, you saw how the priestesses were, and your teacher was too drunk to > even stand, so it would have been a bad idea to bring him along." Dan: Are you kidding? He's at his best like that. He may not have the power of super-strength, but he has the power of super wino-breath. > Makoto replays the scene through his head. Rebecca: With multiple angle options and a director's commentary. > "What," Miz yells. Dan: I don't understand. Elana: Where's the tea? > Neekia looks at her, "That's right, my twin is attacking Roshtaria. Dan: [Londs] Neekia is coming! Deploy Super X2 now! > I need to go over there and counter his attack, preferably kill him." Tsuneo: [Neekia] Remember, I'm the good guy. Rebecca: Yeah, you're the good guy in a purely "Marvel MAX" sense of the term. > "Well then," Nanami says while she stands up, "We should get to Roshtaria > right away?" > "Sorry, but this is something I have to do alone. Elana: Any real reason why? Tsuneo: [Neekia] Because this story's about ME, dammit! > Besdies," he walks up to > her and pokes her in the arm, indicating her weakness, "I don't think you > could do anything." Elana: [Nanami] I could throw a rock at him. Dan: [Neekia] Forget that, you go instead. > Nanami, of course, is a little upset about this, "What do you mean I can't > do anything?!" Rebecca: You're a helpless, screaming little wuss girl. And unless there's any members of the Phantom Tribe around, you aren't exactly useful in a combat situation. > Neekia rolls his eyes up towards the sky and scracthes the back of his head, > "Oh...nothing." Dan: Damn demon god's hen-pecked. > "Can I at least go with you," Makoto intervenes, "I could show you where the > palace is." Tsuneo: [Neekia] That would help, actually. Elana: Neekia gets lost looking for the little boy's room. > Neekia thinks about this, "Hmmm...good idea, but I'm only taking one person, > I don't want to endanger too many people." > Makoto snaps back into reality and looks at Neekia. > "I want to ask you something," Makoto says, Neekia looks at him, "Why did > you want to know about Ifurita?" Dan: [Neekia] Is she hot? And is she available? > He looks back up and smiles, "You'll see." > Makoto continues to argue with Neekia who just keeps smiling and saying > "You'll see." Elana: Is there any actual reason why he isn't telling Makoto? Tsuneo: [Neekia] I've got retain some of my smug omnipotence, otherwise I'll look bad. > The evil Neekia summons up a large ball of energy and release it near a > building. The giant bubble caused by the explosion vaporizes the building as > Neekia looks delightful with his accomplishes. Rebecca: [Neekia] AH-HA! I've just destroyed the last outhouse in all El Hazard! Elana: Um, the palace is that way. > He slowly floats down to the > palace wall and stands there with his arms crossed, like he's waiting for > somebody. Tsuneo: [Neekia] She said she'd meet me here by nine. It's 10:30 now... > "I know you're coming, it's only a matter of time," he says with a frown, > and continually tapping his finger against his arms. Dan: [Neekia] Sorry I'm late! Got stuck in traffic. Can't move for all the other demon gods flying around. > He hears footsteps > slowly walking up to him from behind and he raises his head, still frowning, > "You, however, I wasn't expecting." He turns his head around and stares at > Ifurita 2. Rebecca: I was hoping something spontaneous yet not entirely unexpected like this would happen. > "Stop this now. What you're doing is meaningless," she yells to him. > He smiles and turns completely around, "What I'm doing is far from > meaningless." Rebecca: Great. We've got French philosopher demon gods on our hands. Elana: Actually, this whole fanfic is pretty meaningless, but never mind. > "If you don't stop this now I shall be used to take matters into my own > hands." Elana: [Ifurita] I shall firmly ask you to stop. > "Well, it doesn't matter what you do because you're going to die anyway." Tsuneo: Where's he getting his dialogue from, the generic villain's handbook? Rebecca: Well, he's making all the generic villain mistakes. > Ifurita grips her staff with both hands, "We shall see." Dan: [Neekia] The circle is complete. Before I was the student, now I am the master. Rebecca: [Ifurita] Oh, shut up. FWACKOOM! > Neekia points his staff at her, "Yes, we shall." Once again electricity > begins to build up in the end of the staff and it fires at Ifurita in a > large burst. Ifurita merely holds out her staff and the ray of electricity > sparks and snapples as it is blocked by the shield. Dan: Snapples? [Rebecca holds up a bottle of red-coloured drink] Thanks! > "A build-up of extremely charged light particles. A mere toy," she holds out > her staff as Neekia stares in shock. Electricity gathers in her staff and is > fired at Neekia. He attempts to counter it with his shield but it is quickly > penetrated and he skids on his feet for several yards. Tsuneo: Remember, he's the more powerful one. > He stops in front of > a pillar and puts his hands back to his sides. He is lightly charred, smoke > is billowing off his back, Rebecca: [Neekia] Oh my god, my pants are on fire. > and he's sweating like crazy. Dan: They just don't make demon gods like they used to. > He smiles a little > before returning the staff back into his back and he charges up again. Rebecca: Typical. He does one or two power moves, then the rest of the fight will be nothing but rest holds and the world's worst super powerbomb. > "Nice try," he says, cracking his neck, "But I was built a little more > tougher than you were. Elana: Which is why she soaked it, and you were fried. Dan: [Neekia] Wait a second... Rebecca: Gods help him. He's just not that bright. > I should have known better then to attack you like > that, but I don't think you will be expecting this." Dan: Then he danced the Fandango. Elana: [Ifurita] Well no, actually I wasn't. > The staff transforms > into a four-foot sword and Neekia glides across the ground at her, sword at > ready. Elana: [Ifurita] Anyone here remember what I did to Kalia with this staff? Dan: [Neekia] Eep. > At that a moment, a small hoversraft dodges a tree as Roshtaris castle comes > into full view...who do you think is driving it? Dan: George Jetson? Tsuneo: Jackie Chan? Rebecca: Cutter? Elana: A random Cid? > "Nanami! Slow down," Miz yells. > "And let Makoto die in the hands of that Demon smartass? I don't think so!" > The craft skips over hill, jolting awake the three priestesses stashed in > the back. Tsuneo: With the way it's driving, I thought it would be Fujisawa. Dan [Cop]: Pull over! Elana [Nanami]: What seems to be the problem, officer? Dan [Cop]: Can I check your trunk, Miss? Elana [Nanami, nervous]: Uh, certainly. Dan [Cop]: Well what's this? Looks like you've got three priestesses stashed in here. Wonder what they're doing in there. Elana [Nanami, nervous]: Honestly officer, I have no idea. Dan [Cop]: You weren't trying to smuggle them into the country, were you? Elana [Nanami]: Me! Never! They must have snuck in there while I was refuelling in Tijuana. Dan [Cop]: You're coming with me. > "What the hell?!" Shayla yells. Rebecca: I guess Shayla's one of these 'instantly awake' people. Dan: Naw, that's just her usual reaction to waking up. Any second now, she's going to blast the hovercraft. > "What-what's going on?" Qawool asks. Rebecca: [Quawool] And where did I get this traffic cone from? Dan: It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone. > Nanami, now concentrateing most of her attention on the road ahead, starts > to talk to them, "Makoto went to defeat the Demon-God with the Demon-God's > twin!" Elana: [Afura] I think I was better off not knowing. > "What the hell does that mean," Shayla yet again yells. > "It's a long story, Tsuneo: NO! Not again! > I'll tell you later!" > Everyone screams as they go over another hill. Fujisawa droops over the side > and turns an interesting shade of green. Rebecca: I'm amazed anyone could turn bright neon green. > "I'm making sure you're LONG out of school before you start driving." Dan: What are you complaining about? She's driving better than you could. > Nanami quickly turns the wheel as she dodges a tree, they speed of into the > distance. Elana: Someone should tell her that the castle is the other way. Rebecca: Someone should tell her how to drive. > "Slow down for God's sake! You're going to kill us all!" > "I hope Makoto's okay!" Dan: [Fujisawa] I hope we're okay when we get there! Rebecca: This will be used as the grounds for Roshtaria forming a highway patrol. Elana: [Nanami] Don't worry, I'm not using the highway! Dan: [Fujisawa] We're all going to die! > Neekia finishes a kick into Ifurita's stomach and she falls to the ground in > pain. Neekia frowns. Rebecca: Yep, the second most vital nerve point in the female body. Dan: Second? What's the first? Rebecca: Upper right arm. Dan: Can I try? [Rebecca slugs him] > "That was pathetic. One lousy kick and you're down for the count. As a > fellow Demon-God I would have expected more." Tsuneo: She was distracted by the sudden scene change. > Ifurita quickly fires another ray of energy at Neekia, but he swats it away. Tsuneo: So she was able to waffle him before, but now she can't do a thing to him? Dan: The writer lost creative control between scenes, so now the power levels are all screwed up. > "Still have some energy left I see. Well let's put that energy to use," he > administers the staff into his back and kneel down to where their forheads > are touching, she struggles to get away, but he grabs the back of her head > and rams his head into hers. Rebecca: Neekia was schooled in the art of fighting by the ancient Glaswegian masters. > "Stop your squirming, luckily for you, this move wasn't designed to hurt." Dan: Oh, so it's a rest hold then. > A bright glow engulfs the two and the glow quickly fades. Tsuneo: [Neekia] Out of gas? Blacksmith Tony sure did a shitty job! > Neekia slowly opens > his eyes and stands straight up, looking down at the shocked Ifurita. He > smiles and takes the staff from his back, transforms it into a spear, and > aims it at her neck, Elana: So why not finish her earlier, instead of leaving yourself open for someone to run in and save her? Dan: [Waves hand] OOH! Pick me! Pick me! Elana: Go ahead, Dan. Dan: It said so in his 'Generic Villains' handbook? Elana: Very good. > "This, however, will hurt." He smiles sadistically > before a small energy blast knocks him away from her and he looks up towars > the other Neekia and Makoto standing before him. Elana: I'd be smug, but it was too easy. > "So, you finally made it," the evil one says, grinning widely. Dan: [Good Neekia] Sorry I took so long. The escalator broke down, and I had to stand there for two hours until the repair man showed up. Tsuneo: [Evil Neekia] You idiot! You stood on an escalator for two hours? Why didn't you sit down? > The other > Neekia walks over to Ifurita, puts one of her arms over his shoulder and > carries her over to Makoto. He sets her down and stares at his double. The > evil one smiles. Tsuneo: And that's about the last we'll see of the show's characters for a while. > "I knew you'd come. It was only a matter of time before our minds would link > and you could see what I've been doing. Tsuneo: And if they didn't? Dan: [Neekia] Well... I would have thought of something. > You're just lucky that you got here in time before I did any more damage." Elana: Couldn't he have just followed them into the forest and taken them on there, instead of giving them time to recover? Rebecca: Well he could have, but that would be the sensible thing to do. > The good Neekia's staff changes into a sword, "Well, your needless > destruction stops here and now." > The other Neekia shakes his head, "Oh no. In fact, it just begins here. My > power will stretch beyond limitation, across boundless dimensions and > galaxies, and people will tremble when they hear my name." Dan: [Neekia] Or on the other hand, I could be carried off by a giant bird and eaten on the side of a mountain. Do you get what I'm saying? Rebecca [Brak]: Yeah buddy! Dan [Brak]: Yeah buddy! Dan & Rebecca [Singing]: Yeah buddy! Yeah buddy! Yeah bu-bu-bu-bu-buddy! Tsuneo & Elana: ... Dan & Rebecca [Singing]: Yeah buddy! Yeah buddy! Yeah bu-bu-bu-bu-buddy! Tsuneo & Elana: Idiots. > "What do you mean?" > "To put it short and simple, I can't fight you. Or I should say I can, and > WANT to, but it wouldn't be for my best interest." Tsuneo: And again in English? > Neekia's eye starts to twitch, "Damn," he thinks to himself, "this isn't > like him. He loves to fight and destroy but why won't he fight me?" Dan: Because his contract means he only has to work for six months per year. He's going to spend the rest of it making direct-to-video stinkers. > His concentration is broken as he hears footsteps running from behind him. > Him and Makoto turn around and see Nanami and the others running up the > hill, he turns to Makoto. > "What are they doing here?" Elana: Running, apparently. > "I don't know. What I want to know is how they got here so fast?" Rebecca: They ran. That, or you're a very slow Demon God. Dan: I guess he didn't notice the burning hovercraft in the background. > They reach the top of the hill and Nanami smiles at Makoto. > "Sorry we took so long. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to hijack a car > in the middle of nowhere." Dan: Hey, um... How did you get to that beach in the first place? [Long pause] Elana: Next question? Anyone? > Makoto and Ifurita uses each other to prop each other up from face-faulting > and the two Neekia's use their swords. Tsuneo: Can we please get this epic showdown started? The sooner it's done, the sooner we can go. > "Rrr.idiots," the evil one says, "Well, in that case, you all will die." > Makoto and the others gasp in shock as they see four figures walking up > behind Neekia. Dan: Scott Hall, Lex Luger, Konan and Scott Steiner! Coming soon to the WWA! > As they come out into the open, they are amazed to see Jinnai > with Rune Venus at knifepoint, and Diva with Fatora, also with a knife to > her neck. Rebecca: Except that Fatora's enjoying this. Tsuneo: Wow, Diva's really getting in the thick of things here. Elana: Only until you realise it's a cheese knife she's got there. > "I suggest you give up," Jinnai says to them. > "It is inevitable," Diva calls to them. > Sweat drips down Makoto's forehead, he speaks up, "What do you want?" Tsuneo: [Jinnai] Oh, not much. Respect, decency, your head on a silver platter. Little things. Rebecca: [Diva] I want a hot bath and my own talk show! > "Makoto!" > "Well, so you gave in, okay," Jinnai says, "Neekia." Elana: Is any of this making any sense to anyone? Rebecca: Ssh. > "Eh-hem, it may be hard to keep up, but the top thing on our list," he looks > at him and smiles evily, Dan: [Neekia] Free universal health care! Rebecca: That proves it, Canadians are evil. > "I want full power." Dan: [Scotty] Cap'n! Tha engines! Tha canna take tha strain! > "Say what," Shayla asks. > "He wants me to merge with him," he growls, Rebecca: [Neekia] But I don't think the marriage will be legally recognised anywhere outside of the Netherlands. > "he wants to spread his reign of > terror across the universe." Others look at him quizically. Dan: [Neekia] Once we're combined, nothing will be able to stop us save for a drippy water-priestess or a well-aimed rock. > "Smart boy," Jinnai says, he tightens his grip on Rune's neck, "so what'll > it be? Your freedom, or their lives?" Tsuneo: Am I the only one here who thinks that, given half a chance, Rune Venus could easily overpower Jinnai? Dan: I think Parnos could easily overpower Jinnai. > "Don't do it!" Rune yells. Fatora looks at her sister strangely. > "I don't care what she says, just do whatever it takes to let me go," > Fatora, quite loud I might put it. Elana: [Fatora] If you let me go, I'll give you half the universe. > "Once more, what's it going to." Dan: Going to what? Tsuneo: End abruptly, apparently. > "No," Neekia firmly says. Others stare at him. > "What was that," the evil one says. > "You heard me, I refuse to give my life to some monster like you," he says, > smiling a little. Rebecca: [Neekia] I will accept a cash payment instead. > "I knew we couldn't trust a cretin like you!" Nanami yells. Dan: Something to do with him trying to blow you all up. Elana: [Nanami] You demon gods are all alike! > She takes > several steps forward, before Makoto stops her, she looks at him, then at > everyone else. Tsuneo: [Makoto] I think he's got a plan. Elana: [Nanami] What's his plan? Tsuneo: [Makoto] Stall for time. Elana: [Nanami] And then? Tsuneo: [Makoto] Hopefully by then saner heads prevail. > Sweat runs down the evil Neekia's forehead, "This isn't right," he thinks to > himself, "This isn't him, Dan: [Evil Neekia] He's a cardboard cut-out demon god! Tsuneo: [Good Neekia] Damn, caught out. [He pitches over sideways] Rebecca: [Nanami] It's about as useful as the real thing. Elana: And with about as much depth of character. > he should have surrendered right away." He stares > deep into his eyes, "What are you planning.? What are you going to do.?" Tsuneo: So what, you hadn't figured on him having a spine? > Neekia smiles wider, "What do you think?" he says to the evil one. > Neekia's eyes widen with fear and he turns to Jinnai and Diva, "Master > Jinnai! Queen Diva! Behind you!" Dan: [Neekia] Look! It's the Winged Victory of Samathrace! Rebecca: Well that was perfectly random. > Jinnai's face scrunches with confusion, and turns around.only to be clawed > at the face by Ura. He screams as he lets go off Rune and tries to get the > cat off. Tsuneo: So that was your plan? Wait for Ura to attack? > At the same time, Alielle has jumped on the back of Diva and is > clawing at her eyes. Elana: I don't think that's what she was actually grabbing at. Rebecca: [Diva] Do you mind? Those are egg sacks! > "Let go of her!" she yells as she continues to attack Diva.. > Jinnai finally gets a good hold of Ura and rips her off of his face, several > slash marks and creeks of blood run down his face. Rebecca: He's doing his Ric Flair impersonation. > "Stupid.!" he never finishes as a fist greets him him right in his face, he > smiles with a mouthfull of broken teeth before passing out. Nanami rubs her > hand. Dan: Wow! She just waffled him! Elana: And she didn't even have a rock. > "That hurt.but it felt good!" > Diva has also managed to get a grip on Alielle, and much to her surprise > (and a little bit of her pleasure, being as she grabbed a "special" part of > her body) Rebecca: [Diva] I didn't know humans kept that there! Dan: [Diva] ...Parnos? > she is thrown to the ground. [Rebecca cheers and waves a flag saying "Go Diva!"] Tsuneo: Biased? Rebecca: Who, me? > "Little.!" once again, a sentence is cut in half as a foot is planted > squarely in her face. She is also knocked out as Fatora puts her foot down > and strightens her dress. > "Nice shot princess," Nanami compliments her. > "Well, when you're as beautiful a princess as I am, you have to learn self- > defence." Dan: What, kinda flat-chested and boyish? Tsuneo: She learned it to clobber people like you. > Everyone else laughs nervously as they get a sweatdrop, Elana: They were handing out free samples. > before they have to > cover their bodies as a wave of heat rolls over them. They look over to the > two Neekia's, each with a sword, Dan: [Neekia] I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how you handle it. > and each inches away from each others face. Rebecca: Should we be seeing this? > They struggle hard, each gritting their teeth in anger and hatred as their > swords separate, and once again come together. The sound of metal clanging > against each other echo through the room. The two Neekia's float awat from > each other, before the good Neekia throws a bolt of energy from his sword, > the evil Neekia simply blocks it with his sword. They both recharge, and > come forth at each other again. Tsuneo: This is so... Dan: Intense? Tsuneo: Dull. > The evil one changes his staff into a war hammer, Rebecca: Then Harmony Gold ran in and took it from him. > and swings at the other one. The good one ducks under this swing, > and rams his staff into the evil ones side. Tsuneo: Except it was a sword. Ooh, that's messy. Elana: It's a long-handled sword-staff. I think I've got a proficiency for that somewhere. > Electricity shoots through the > evil Neekia as he screams in pain and swats the staff away. This startles > the good Neekia as he leaps back. Dan: [Good Neekia] Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, mister nasty evil person sir! > The evil one recharges and looks at him with hatred in his eyes, Rebecca: So this whole fight consists of strike, block, recharge, repeat? > then notices the staff on the ground.out of > Neekia's hands. The good one notices this too, as he stops the evil one by > ramming his knee into his backside, and kicking him away from the staff. Dan: Is anyone actually following this? Tsuneo: Neekia hit Neekia. They have a fight. Neekia wins. > He > picks up his staff, only to be knocked backwards by a bolt of electricity. > He skids on the ground, before standing face-to- face with the other Neekia. > Both stare at each other. > "You realize, that we are getting nowhere," the evil one says. All: Really? > "As long as you don't get somewhere," the other one says. Rebecca: Well, good Neekia has hit evil Neekia twice and hasn't taken any hits in return. I'd say he's winning. > "Well then," he holds his staff out in front of him, it transforms into a > sword "here we go again." Tsuneo: So what, are we just going to copy and paste that lack-of-fight scene until the end of the fic? > He holds the sword behind his back as a dark, swirling vortex of energy > builds up in the blade of the sword. He smiles evily as the blade's silvery > luster turns into a thick, black color. Dan: It's an EVIL SWORD! All: Oooh. Aaah. > "Okay.here it goes," the good Neekia says as he inserts the staff into his > backside Rebecca: He's not even pretending any more. Elana: This guy has issues I don't even want to think about. > and holds out his hands. He thrusts [Rebecca sniggers] Tsuneo: Oh, come on Rebecca! Rebecca: Sorry. After that backside bit... > his hands forward as a strong blast of wind [Rebecca bursts out laughing] Tsuneo: I give up. > is fired straight at the evil Neekia. The evil one is surprised, Elana: How could he be surprised if it took so long to charge, including reaching around and inserting a long object in, um, an inconvenient location? Rebecca: I think shoving his own stick up his arse took even bad Neekia by surprise. > as the sword turns back into its normal color, as the gust of > winds explodes on impact, covering Neekia with a blanket of dust. Afura is > in plain shock. > "How.did he know my attack? I never remember."then she recalls several hours > ago, when he touched her forehead, and he made a copy of her mind. She > stares in shock at the good one. Dan: [Neekia] I've been able to access all of your memories, Nummy-Muffin. > As the dust clears, the evil one stands, unscathed, and smiling. > "Thank you," he says, the others jump a little, "because of your foolish > efforts, you have failed to realize that before you arrived here, I linked > with Ifurita's mind, and have gained some interesting abilities," Dan: Aw, poo. Tsuneo: So... He's a mimic, mimicking a mimicry ability? Rebecca: It's probably best if you don't think about it, and just try to read the fanfic. And that goes for you too. > and with > this, his hair and clothing start to float in the air as he powers up for an > attack, "I have a new weapon." Tsuneo: [Neekia] I have the power of OOOOOHHHH! Dan [Neekia, British]: I have been blessed with a great gift, and that is the gift of the fist! > He throws his staff out in front of him as a > huge gale of wind attacks th good Neekia. He struggles to resist but is cut > at the knees by another strong wind as lands and skids harshly against the > ground. He notices the staff has come out, and has landed way out of his > reach. On his back he tries to get up, but a foot is planted on his chest, > and he is now held at spearpoint. The evil Neekia cackles, evily. Dan: Well what do you expect? He's evil! > "Oh how I've waited for this day! To be remembered, as the Destroyer of > Dimensions, the Plague of Death, the." > "Seems you've planned this out," the good Neekia says. Tsuneo: [Brad Pitt] Good speech. Did you work on it? Dan: [George Clooney] Just a little. Was it okay? I thought I rushed it. Tsuneo: [Brad Pitt] No, no, it was good. > "Actually I just though of it," the others facefault, "but you'll only be > remembered, as a memory." > "Hold it right there!" Afura yells, the evil Neekia looks over to her, she > has her hands pointed at the unconscious Jinnai , Elana [Afura]: Don't move or I'll let fly! [Everyone sniggers] I so hate being the wind priestess. > "If you do anything to him.I'll kill your master." > The evil Neekia looks at her, then at Jinnai, "Go ahead," he says, everyone > is stratled, "I was programmed to obey his commands, and not kill him. Do as > you wish with him. My concern is absolute domination." Rebecca [Diva]: I told you this would happen. Tsuneo [Jinnai]: Shut up. Rebecca [Diva]: Every demon god you find turns on us. Tsuneo [Jinnai]: Shut up. Rebecca [Diva]: Nobody ever listens to me, I'm just the queen of the Bugrom, pay me no attention... > He laughs his laugh again, Dan [Neekia]: G'fa ha ha! Look at me! I'm a demon god! > "All the things are in place! All I have to do is stab this spear > head right through your chest, rendering you helpless, then, it is a simple > matter of bonding your mind with mine, then, I am only mere steps away from > ultimate power." Dan: [Neekia] I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naughty... Ahem. Tsuneo: [Neekia] Evil will always triumph, because good is stupid! Elana: This is coming from the one who's gloating instead of finishing him off. > "I see one flaw in your plans Neekia," the good one says. Tsuneo: [Neekia] You're outnumbered and I'm the hero. > "Oh, and what's that?" > "This staff.the one you have against my neck.is mine as well," and he grips > the staff firmly. Rebecca: I'm not even going to think about the implications of this. Tsuneo: Too late. > "What?!" The evil Neekia never has time to respond, as the spear at the good > Neekia's neck retracts back into the pole, and reappears at the other end. Elana: So why does the good one have this ability, but the evil one doesn't? Rebecca: The evil one just didn't think about it. > The good Neekia rams the spear through the evil one's chest. Blood flies > from the wound, and his mouth. Rebecca: And suddenly it's being directed by Paul Verhoten. Dan: We need more blood and boobs! > He staggers backwards as the good Neekia gets > up, grabs the spear, and kicks the evil one so hard he is sent flying into a > wall, the spear coming out of his chest. Rebecca: Or maybe it's a Troma film. Dan: Can't be. No naked women, not enough green slime yet, and they haven't re-used that giant slug prop. > He chokes and gasps in agony, > before the good Neekia throws the spear, ramming it through the other side > of his chest. Rebecca: So would you rather be killed off in a Paul Verhoten film or a Troma film? Dan: Definitely a Troma film. Then it'll be extra cheesy, and have buckets of fake blood or green slime. > He screams in pain, and his body becomes limp, his feet > hanging several inches off the ground. > "De.stroyed.by.my own.weapon." he gasps out, Dan: [Neekia] "I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way." > he is able to raise his head > and look into the eyes at the good Neekia, staff in his back and all. > "I'll.see you.again." Rebecca: [Neekia] I'll get you when I come back to life! > The good one frowns, "No you won't." He grips the spear, and places his hand > on the evil one's forehead. Elana: [Neekia] My mind to your mind... My thoughts to your thoughts... > A white glow surrounds the two, before they form > into one ball of energy, which takes the form of one being. Tsuneo: Who has an enormous hole in his chest. Dan: [Neekia] Aw, crap. Didn't expect that to happen. THUMP! > The energy > fades, and Neekia stands there. A golden glow surrounds him, as the > brilliant white cape flaps in the wind. Rebecca: I guess Napisan really does get them whiter than white. > He looks over at the others, staring at him with shock. > He smiles, and starts to scratch the back of his head, "Don't worry guys, > it's me. The good one." Elana: You can tell, because he's wearing white. > The group slowly walks towards him, cautiously, they are able to stand next > to him. > "It's.you?" > "Not, the evil one, right?" Rebecca: Of course it's not the evil one. If it was the evil one, he would have lied and said he was the good one. > He smiles, "It's me. Like I said." Elana: [Nanami] So how can we trust you? Dan: [Neekia] Because I said you could. Elana: [Nanami] But the evil one would have said that to get us to trust him. Dan: [Neekia] But I'm the good one. Elana: [Nanami] How can we be sure? Dan: [Neekia] Because I said you could. Tsuneo: And so on, and so on, and so on. > Others sigh a great sigh of relief, before a low murmur arises. Nanami walks > up to him. > "So, uh, what happened to the other guy?" Rebecca: He's busy jobbing to Horace in the XWF. Dan: Justice is served! > Neekia smiles, then points to his head, "Held safely away. He'll never see > daylight again." Dan: [Neekia] Because I buried him in concrete. > "Are you sure," Afura says. > "As sure as I can be." Elana: [Nanami] Why should we believe that? Dan: [Neekia] Because I said you could. Tsuneo: Not this again... > "That's not very reassuring," Shayla says, "Coming from a Demon God and > all." Rebecca: You're going to hold that against him, aren't you? Everywhere he goes, it'll be "Don't trust him, he's a demon god." That's so unfair. Elana: He could sue for discrimination. > Neekia laughs nervously. He looks at Makoto, and calls out to him, "Makoto. > Makoto!" > "Huh? Yes?" Tsuneo: [Makoto] Sorry, I was asleep. No-one got to do anything during your big tiff except Afura. And I'm still the hero of this crummy show. > "I got a gift for you, for saving me from my imprisonment." Rebecca: If he starts talking about staves, hit him. > Makoto gets a sweatdrop, "Um.you really don't have to do that." > "Least I can do. You see, what I didn't tell you about myself, when both of > my bodies are in one, we have the ability to cross over dimension." Tsuneo: Well that was a surprisingly fast resolution. Rebecca: Oh, don't worry. There's another episode to come which consists of 23 minutes of badly-drawn fanservice. Tsuneo: Bitter? Us? > Makoto's eyes become real wide, "You.mean that." Elana: [Nanami] Wow! In one fell swoop, you've solved all our long-running Problems! I'd be shocked if it wasn't so predictable. Dan: This is like a Ranma fic, except with less fanservice. > "You, Nanami, and Fujisawa-sensei, can all go back to Earth." > Makoto is too stunned for words. Rebecca: Quick! While he's out, take his wallet! > Nanami and Fuji are ecstatic as well, as for Miz. Dan: [Fujisawa] Why'd he call me his teacher? > "I am sorry, but I am married to Masamichi, if you didn't know that, and > wherever he goes, I go." > Neekia smiles, "Don't worry, I can fit all of you through, so there's no > need to get upset." Dan: Whoops, bad move. Now they'll turn you into a taxi service. > Miz's smile spreads across her face, "Finally," she says, a tear in her eye, > "I can see this wondeful place that my dear Fujisawa has talked about so > much!" Elana: Yes, you can see this wonderful world of drive-through restaurants, telemall shopping, daytime talk shows and Twinkies. And let me tell you, I'm already sick of it. Rebecca: Yes, but we do have indoor plumbing. Elana: Damn. > Shayla and Qawool however, are not as happy with it. Tears form in Shayla's > eyes, as Qawool stares at the ground, very sadly. > "I.can't go with them," Shayla thinks to herself, "I am one of the > priestesses of Muldoon, I can't leave." The same thoughts run through > Qawool's head as well. Dan: And he's just solved all the romantic tension as well! The crowd changes colour! A winner is you! Tsuneo: [Bored] Yay. > Neekia notices these two, and smile quickly becomes a frown. Elana: [Neekia] Okay, so I've screwed up a couple of people's lives, hopes and Dreams, but nobody's perfect. Rebecca: [Afura] You just made my day. > As the three Earthlings and Miz talk among one another, Neekia walks towards > the two priestesses. They lok up at him. > "I am sorry," he says pasively. Elana: You're not even trying, are you? > Shayla understood the whole deal, but that > doesn't mean she didn't accept it. She grunts and walks away from him. Rebecca: Twenty says he'll be blown up by the end of the chapter. > Qawool watches Shayla walk off, then she looks at Neekia and smiles. > "It's okay," she says, "I understand." And she walks away from him. Dan: [Neekia] Never liked you two anyway. > Neekia watches her go off, then at Jinnai and Diva, and calls out to Makoto, > "Hey! What do you want to do with these idiots?" Tsuneo: Community service? > The conversation stops, as all attention is focused at those two. Rune > speaks up. > "Diva is an enemy to the Alliance, she will be dealt with harshly." Elana: So what exactly is the punishment for being queen of the Bugrom? Rebecca: You get a stern note and are told not to do it again. > "And for Jinnai?" > Makoto scratches the back of his head, "Well, I don't think it would be a > good idea to leave him here, so I'll guess we'll have to take him back." Tsuneo: [Makoto] I mean, he does have a family and all. Not that they necessarily *want* him back... Elana: [Nanami] You got that right. > "No we don't," Nanami says. > "But." > "No.we.don't." Elana: [Nanami] He's my brother and I say we leave him here! > Makoto laughs nervously, as does Neekia. > "We're taking him with us," Fuji speaks up, a little annoyed as well. Rebecca: He doesn't want to write the note to his parents. "Dear Mr and Mrs. Jinnai. Your son was lost in an alternate universe during a field trip." > "All right then," Neekia says, rubbing his hands together. He holds the > staff out in front of him, and it changes into a war hammer, "Here we go." A > swirling energy builds up in the hammer's head as he raises it aboves his > head. He stands ready. Dan: Whoa, hey, why are they leaving already? Don't they have a lot of cleaning to do first? No long teary farewells? Rebecca: It's the last episode and they've only got three minutes of airtime left! Tsuneo: I knew we shouldn't have gone for an extended credit animation sequence. > "WAAAHHH! Nanami! Please write to me," Alielle yells, hugging her around her > waist. Elana: I knew we were forgetting something. Rebecca: [Nanami] I'll give you a twenty if you can send her to Dimension X. > "You can stay for a little longer, can't you," Fatora also yells, hands > around Nanami's chest. Steam flies out of Nanami's ears, as her face turns a > bright red, from anger, embarassment, and the fact that Fatora is gently > carassing her breasts and Alielle has her face planted right in her *EH- > HEM!* Tsuneo: Good to see that El Hazard fiction doesn't have to resort to stock gags to get by. > Shayla walks up to Makoto. Rebecca: [Shayla] I didn't actually get to do anything in this fic, so I'm off to get my appearance fee and then get plastered. Hey squirt, you want to come with me? Elana: [Quawool] But I'm too young to drink. Rebecca: [Shayla] Good, I'll have yours. > "Ma-Makoto." she silently says, Makoto turns to her, "I.I." she looks in his > eyes, she can't say it. She blinks the tears back, "Good luck." She walks > away from him. Makoto goes to talk to her, but notices Qawool staring at the > ground sadly. > "Qawool. I'm sorry." > Qawool smiles at him, "It-it's okay. I understand." > They look at each other, Qawool's eyes glimmer as the sun hits her tears. Rebecca: What a sickeningly sweet image. HURRY UP AND GO ALREADY! > "HYAH!" Neekia's voice yells as he strikes the hammer against the ground.. A > blanket of dust flies twenty feet into the air, covering Neekia. The dust > settles within minutes, Neekia stands there.com-pletely confused. Dan: [Neekia] Heh. Damned batteries have gone flat. > "Um." he says, as he looks at the crater is hammer caused. That's all, just > a large hole in the ground. He scratches the back of his head, "Gee, I SWORE > this is how he did it. Okay, let's try it again." He strikes the hammer on > the ground again, nothing. "Um, again." Another explosion, nothing. "No? > Well, maybe this time." This goes on for a while. Elana: [Nanami] Lousy second-rate demon gods. > The others stare nervously at him, before turning at walking into the > palace. More low explosions go on through the night. Tsuneo: At least he's keeping up his high standard of competency. > ************** > I'm done. Phew! As always, I'd appreciate all comments for my fic. Dan: [Amazing vanishing love interest guy] So you got anything going after this fic? Tsuneo: [Emperor of the Universe] I've been offered a part in a toothpaste commercial. [The miniature Kirov blimp - see Episode 131 - floats over the TV and drops a bomb on it, blowing the TV to pieces] Elana: Where did that come from? Voice: That's what I want to know. Rebecca: It's been floating around for the last nine experiments. Voice: I've got to clean this place out some time. Dan: Don't, you'll ruin all our fun. Voice: Well... Only if you guys clean up that blasted tree. Rebecca: You heard him, Dan. Voice: Aw... Hey, why me? Tsuneo: Can we just get on with it please? Voice: Yes, reviews. Please. Elana: I found it quite depressing that, despite the new character, this fic didn't actually offer anything truly new or original. The comedy, such as it was, was merely lifted from stock El Hazard or Tenchi scenes. In fact, his whole character concept was dangerously close to Kalia's. And in the end, we have more generic comedy and nothing really happens. It just felt so pointless. Rebecca: Neekia was amazing. Neekia was all-powerful. Neekia was all-mighty. Neekia had amazingly contrived powers. Neekia could do anything. Neekia got beat up by a schoolgirl with a rock. Neekia couldn't hit a bunch of people standing still in on wide open beach. Neekia fell down a lot. In short, Neekia rocked my world. And when I say that about a Monkey Boy, it means he sucked. Tsuneo: I've said it many times before, and I'll say it again. If you're going to base an entire fanfic around a single new character, at least make that character likeable. When you don't, just like Neekia here, the whole thing becomes a chore to read. Dan: The fight scenes in this fic were just plain lousy. I mean, it came down to just repeating "attack, block, energy blast, recharge, repeat." And since the fic's meant to be an action fic, it needs the fight scenes to be much better than that, especially since the rest of it can't hold together. Voice: Well thanks for that, guys. Rebecca: No problems, Voice. We hate you too. Elana: Isn't that a little harsh? Tsuneo: Not really. We genuinely feel that way about him. Elana: I guess I can't argue with that, then. Rebecca: Well I for one want to be out of here. I can't wait to get playing and Give this gal of mine a test-run. [She stands] Tsuneo: You know, looking at it, our party's balance is completely screwed. Dan: How so? Elana: Well think about it. We've got three fighters, one major spellcaster, two minor spellcasters and one inept thief. Dan: Hey! My bard's more than an inept thief! Rebecca: Yeah, he's also a major XP leach. Dan: Is it too late to multiclass? Tsuneo: Yes, Dan. [They all stand and leave. The screen goes blank] Dan: Maybe I can kill myself when the first session starts. Elana: I think Maya may join you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Elana, Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2002 Max Fauth (Zogster) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2002 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > He turns around, hoping it's not Neekia, > but the other Neekia (I think you know what I mean).