Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 25, and another special event - Girls Video Night (no lemon jokes, please). The bad girls take on *another* FF7 fic... Oh, dear. Special thanks to Michael Surbrook for his awesome pics of Rebecca and Natasha that I forgot to mention in "Too Hot To Handle." Whoops! Energy is copyright Skye Strife who sounds like a later year Decepticon name, if you ask me. Final Fantasy 7 is copyright 1997-1998 Squaresoft Inc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [Celena Harte (Episode 4: A Change of Character) enters, carrying a large backpack.] Celena: [Looks around] Hooray. Back here again. [Rebecca enters wearing the tight suit from episode 22: Too Hot To Handle] Rebecca: Um... Sorry, but who the hell are you and what are you doing here? Celena: Celena Harte. And I was called in by your boss. Rebecca: Yeah. Dan mentioned you in hushed tones. Celena: I thought he might have. Rebecca: I believe he told Rick a lot more about you. Celena: Figures. [Cracks knuckles] Rebecca: So... I guess that means that some of the regulars have done a runner? [Natasha enters, wearing the same outfit as in episode 22: Too Hot To Handle] Natasha: Yup. In fact, from what I heard, all three of them took off. Rebecca: Hi there, Natasha. Celena: Who in heck are you two, then? Rebecca: Rebecca Bartley. Long standing sufferer of the Voice's experiments. I only do this because I need the money. Natasha: Natasha Isavia. Happy temp. I'm only doing this because filming's been delayed again. Celena: So... why us? Rebecca: No doubt the voice likes staring down your cleavage. Celena: Ha ha. You should talk. What's with the outfit? Rebecca: It was sent to me for my birthday - five months late though. No idea who sent it though. There's a neat pic at: www.geocities.com/~silvertooth/Washus_images/rebecca.gif Natasha: And there's one of me too! It's at: www.geocities.com/~silvertooth/Washus_images/natasha.gif Celena: And there goes the fourth wall. Natasha: By the way... have you redecorated? Rebecca: Sort of. We smashed the place up after last week's experiment. Celena: That bad? Rebecca: SMAK 11. Celena: Ouch. Voice: Evening, ladies. Celena: Where? Rebecca: Good evening, your airborne huge craniumedness. Voice: I'm just not going to rise to that one. Celena: You were probably right earlier, though. Voice: Now that's unfair! Celena: [Grins] Rebecca: Okay, what's the hurt for today? Voice: I do wish you'd show a bit more respect, Rebecca. Rebecca: Why? You don't show any for me. Natasha: She's got you there. Voice: I'm still not going to rise to that. Celena: [Rolls eyes] Just get on with it. Voice: Okay. I've found you a Final Fantasy 7 fanfic, simply entitled "Energy." Rebecca: Cool! A subject that's not likely to nauseate me for a change. [The file over to the couches and sit - Rebecca and Natasha on the forwards-facing couch, Celena next to Rebecca on the corners. Celena dumps her bag on the table and pulls out a bottle of Vodka.] Celena: Just in case. Rebecca: Cool. I'll get us some glasses. Celena: It's not for you. Natasha: Damn. I could use some around now. [The TV screen lights up] Celena: Um... I was just wondering. What do you guys think on Aeris and Tifa? Who should wind up with Cloud? Natasha: Well, Tifa obviously, given that Aeris is kind of dead. Celena: Besides that, ovbviously. Rebecca: Well, I say Tifa simply because Aeris is a little wuss. Besides, those two have been together since they were anklebiters. Natasha: Um... gee, now that I think about it, I don't know. That clarification really threw me. Celena: Well I say it should be Aeris. She's the sensible one, and he needs someone to calm him down, not run off and beat something up... uh, if you know what I mean. Rebecca: Talking from experience here? Celena: Shut up! > Energy, by Skye Strife Natasha: I think I used to have him. He turned into a jet. > Author's Note: I got the concept from this Oh My Goddess! (Ah > Megami-sama!) Celena: That's right, let's see how many rip-offs we can get in the one fic. > manga I read and found quite funny. Natasha: Of course, this version will just suck. > All characters copyright blah blah blah Rebecca: Yackety-shmackety. Natasha: I thought they were copyright Squaresoft, but never mind. > by Square. > > "Hey girls! I'm home!!!" Celena: [Cloud] Honey, I'm home! > Cloud yells as he runs into Seventh Heaven. Natasha: Bang [Cloud] Ow! Who put that bar there? > "I brought ice cream!!" > > No one responded. Celena: They're kinda serious freedom fighters and all, and don't have time to lounge around eating. Rebecca: That and they probably just got sector seven dropped on their heads. Natasha: Okay, just to clarify things, who here is a hopeless FF7 fangirl? [They all raise their hands] Natasha: Thought so. > That was weird, Celena: What, that the inn was still here and not under a million tons of rubble? > at least to Cloud. Rebecca: And us. > Vincent and Barret were still at the Honey Bee Inn. Natasha: Pardon me, but doesn't that sound totally OOC? Rebecca: Together? Celena: [Whacks her with a cushion] Don't touch it. Rebecca: Ouch. Damn, you're strong. > Red XIII joined Cid at Rocket Town for > the Strawberry Festival-which was undoubtedly boring considering all one > does is eat foods made from strawberries. Rebecca: Which means it's probably being run by Marissa Picard! Run! > Yuffie, Aeris, and Tifa were > the only ones home when he had left to go to the Honey Bee Inn with > Vincent and Barret. Rebecca: Well, I suppose that's one way to resolve the romantic tension. I want to throw up. Celena: [Whacks her with a cushion] What did I say? Rebecca: Sorry. > "Umm... hello?" Cloud searched around the bar and saw no one. Natasha: Except for maybe the customers, Marlene, Biggs, Wedge, Jessie... Celena: Shinra manager, man looking at rocket and woman in lift. Rebecca: The one-armed man, the man behind the grassy knoll and Sir Not Appearing in this Fanfic. Celena: By the way... does it seem odd to anyone else that a five-year -old girl is left to tend the bar when they're away? Rebecca: Given who her father is? No. > He went downstairs via the pinball machine. Natasha: Going down. TILT! > Then he saw Aeris- collapsed on the floor. Celena: The fanfic got to her too. Rebecca: Nah, she's just rehearsing for her death. > "AERIS!!!!" All: Adrian! > Cloud shouts as he runs to her and lifts her in his arms. Celena: How about not moving a person with unknown injuries? > He shook her several times Natasha: Do you want your Aeris shaken or stirred? > only to find out she was sleeping. Rebecca: Probably not, after that. > Suddenly, Yuffie came downstairs via the pinball machine. Celena: [Yuffie] Ya-hoo! I'm here! I'm here! Love me! Natasha: You do that too darn well. Celena: What? I like Yuffie. Rebecca: Ah... okay. Natasha: Wierd. > "Umm.... hey Yuffie... what's up with Aeris?" Cloud asks her. Natasha: [Cloud] And why... am I talking... like William... Shatner? > "Ice... cream....ICE CREAM!! ICE CREAM!!" Yuffie shouts as she dives for > the bag of ice cream. Celena: [Announcer] And Yuffie takes the gold in the olympic 'diving for the groceries.' Silver goes to Garfield the cat, bronze for Eric Cartman. > " OOH! YOU GOT CHOCO CHIP COOKIE DOUGH AND RUM > RAISIN!! OOH!! JAMOCA ALMOND FUDGE AND STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!! WHOO > HOO!!" Rebecca: Have you been into that marajuana gin again, Yuffie? Natasha: Well, at least she's in character. > In 30 seconds flat, Yuffie devoured all 4 half quarts of ice cream. " > Whoa! Brain freeze!" Natasha: With Yuffie? You can tell? Celena: Must... control... fist of death... > "Umm... Yuffie? What's up all of a sudden?" Cloud asks her. Natasha: [Yuffie] I'm in a crappy fanfic! AARGH! > "I dunno." Yuffie replies licking the bottom of the ice cream > containers. Celena: That's so disgusting, I doubt even Dan does it. Rebecca: Don't bet on it. [Scene change: Dan licking the bottom of a tub of ice cream. He sneezes.] [Scene change: The apartment.] > "Take care of Aeris okay?!" Celena: Cloud has been going to the Hong Kong martial arts film school of dialogue. > Cloud tells her as he returns upstairs. > > Cloud looked desperately for Natasha: The tense change. > Tifa. Something weird was going on and he > wanted to know what. Frantically, he searched everywhere. He then heard > some noises from behind the counter. Rebecca: Sort of grunting, moaning noises. Celena: [Smacks the back of Rebecca's head] Just stop that! > He looked over and saw Tifa. Celena: Meaning that he hadn't searched everywhere. > What > was weird was that she had LOTS of liquor bottles around her and she was > laying on the floor- most likely drunk. All: Nah! Celena: You don't reckon. > "Tifa! What's wrong?" Cloud asks her. Natasha: [Tifa] I'm in a crappy fanfic! > "Nothin' sweet thang!" she replies. Cloud could tell by her speech that > she was drunk. Rebecca: Either that, or from Alabama. Natasha: Same diff. > "How much did you drink?" he asks her. Celena: Count the bottles, dumbass. > "How much?" Tifa clumsily stood up to face Cloud. She paused and > wondered for a moment as if she were trying to figure something very > difficult out. Celena: Like what she had for breakfast. Rebecca: If I can't diss Yuffie- Celena: Hey, when you're *that* drunk, it's impossible. Rebecca: Personal experience again? Celena: Dang tooting! [Takes a swig from her bottle] Natasha [Tifa]: Now one of these is the Pepsi, and one of these is the Coke... > " Umm... this many of beer," she puts up 4 fingers, "this > many of sake," she puts up 7 fingers, "And a couple-a shotglasses of > vodka unless you count LOTS of screwdrivers. Tee hee." Rebecca: All in all, she should be dead by now. > Cloud pulled his hair in frustration. Rebecca: That could hurt, you know. > "What the hell is going on?! Celena: Time for a hat trick? Natasha: [Tifa] You're in a crappy fanfic! > Can it be...? There's no other reason!!" Natasha: It *is* a crappy fanfic! Celena: Okay... that's our quota. > Out of temporary insanity, he ran outside. > > "DAMN YOU SHIN RA!!" All: [Kirk] SHIN-RA!!! > {Shin Ra Corp. Building- Men's Bathroom} > Reno steps out of the shower All: Ooh... Rebecca: I *like* Reno! > and wraps a towel around his waist. Rebecca: Ah, nuts! > He then walks over to the mirror to groom himself. Celena: Eh? Reno? Pardon? Natasha: He has to get his designer stubble to the right length. > "I'm... too sexy for a shirt. Too sexy for a shirt. Too sexy yeah it > hurts! And I'm too sexy-" Celena: Rebecca, just try not to drool too much here. Rebecca: Hey! I just said I liked him! Celean: Yeah. Sure. > Suddenly, Rufus runs into the bathroom Natasha: WHACK! [Rufus] Who put that there? > like a maniac. Out of breath, Rebecca: [Announcer] Out of breath? Try new breathback! Garunteed to get your breath back in half the time! > he slams the door shut and takes a breath Rebecca: I sure hope no-one wanted that. Celena: And you're fast approaching your quota of dumb comments. > by the window. > > "Hey!! Knock!!" Reno yells at him. > > Unable to speak, Rufus lets his middle finger do his speaking. Celena: Now that was just plain unneccessary! > His face was smeared with lipstick marks and his clothes were in shreds. Rebecca: Another hard day at the office, eh Rufus? Celena: [Deadpan] Probably trying out new secrataries. > He looked deathly afraid and his entire body was trembling. Celena: [Rufus] Hojo's latest thing is loose! Natasha: [Ditto] The phone bill's just arrived! Rebecca: [Ditto] And daddy just saw all the 555 calls from my office! > "By the way, what happened?" Reno asks him. Natasha: [Rufus] Traffic was murder this morning. > "It's Scarlet!! That flake is too damn horny!!!!! Celena: That I did not need to think about. Rebecca: Hey, it's a scary thought. You could get smothered. Celena: ... Natasha: I bet she loses the odd boyfriend that way. > I come to my room and > see her there. The next thing I knew I was attacked by this.... > Xena-type amazon!!" Rufus shouts. Rebecca: No, if that was the case, she'd be attacking Elena. > "Why do you suppose she's like this?!" Reno asks him. Celena: It's Scarlett. I'd be worried if she acted normal. > "I don't know. But I want her to stop!! She's killing me!!" Rufus > whined. Natasha: Your whining's doing that to us. Rebecca: Okay, this is where the authour has officially crossed the taste line. > "Okay Okay! I get your point!" Reno says covering his ears. > > Just then, Reno and Rufus hear Scarlet walking outside of the bathroom. Rebecca: Was it the click of high heels, or the sound of... [Notices Celena glaring at her] Never mind. > "Quick man! Hide!" Reno tells him. > > "Ohhhh Rufffyyyyy, come out come out wherever you are!" They heard > Scarlet say." You can run but you can't hide." Celena: [Rufus] I'm not hear! That oughta fool her. Rebecca: Probably would. Natasha: So what have you got against Scarlett? Rebecca: Proud Clod. Celena: Sister Ray. Natasha: Point. > Rufus looks around the bathroom and opens the window. Celena: [Rufus] Damn, there's never a helicopter around when you *really* need one! > "Umm, Rufus? There's no landing..." Reno says. > > "All the more reason!" Rufus says before taking a possible leap of faith > out the window. Natasha: He'll be okay if he lands on his hairstyle. Can't say the same for the concrete, though. > Reno shrugs and continues admiring and grooming himself infront of the > mirror while singing that song. Natasha: Not any old song, but THAT song! > "I'm a model, you know what I mean. And > I do my little turn on the catwalk. yeah on the catwalk, yeah! I shake > my little tush on the catwalk!!" Rebecca: And a nice little tush it is too. Celena: Okay, Rebecca, but you're cleaning up the drool. > Suddenly, Reno sees Scarlet in his mirror and turns around to see her > smiling seductively and evily. All: AAAH! > "Oh Good God..." Was all he can manage to say. Celena: That about sums it up. > "Little tush, eh? We'll say about that." She whispers to him. Reno > suddenly became weak and couldn't stop Scarlet from grabbing him and > touching or kissing him. Rebecca: [Deb Lister] I dunno. He looks more sort of, erm, petrified. > "EWWW! I'M POISONED!!!!" He managed to say after Scarlet kissed him." > GET OFFA ME!!! PLEASE!! STOP!!!! Rebecca: [Reno] You're smothering me! Celena: Grr... Rebecca: Oh, man. I can't make cleavage jokes with her around. > MOMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!" Natasha: Our thoughts exactly. > {Elsewhere- a while later} > "Hey Tseng. Did you just hear something?" Rude asks while watching TV. Rebecca: [Notices Natasha go starry-eyed] Yeah, it's a thousand fangirls screaming in distress. [Notices Celena staring at the screen] Oh, god. > "Yeah. It sounded like a desperate cry for help."Tseng says. Celena: Notice their obvious concern for their comrades. Natasha: [Tseng] Yup, it's a desperate plea for help, so we'll... watch TV. > The two Turks watch TV until they smell smoke emanating from Elena's > room. Quickly, they run there to see what's going on. Rebecca: Ah, look at that. Elena's been thinking and has burnt her brain out again. > "Huh? Elena?!" Tseng exclaims at the sight of her. Celena: She'd scare me too. Natasha: Any reason? Celena: The awesome power of a vacuum. Rebecca: And the red eyes. Never a good sign. > Apparently, Elena had 2 cigarettes in her mouth Natasha: Apparently? Celena: You can't be sure. Better count 'em again. > and approximately 15 > empty packets lying around on her bed. She also had several ashtrays > that were full to the rim around her bed. Rebecca: Gee, I wonder what she's been up to. Natasha: Wow. Looks like my mum on a slow day. > "My Newports!!" Rude cries out. Celena: [Elena] My lungs! Rebecca: Notice how they use Earth brand names on a different planet. > "Elena why are you smoking?! Natasha: Because the script says so! > You wouldn't put a cigarette in your mouth > if your life depended on it!!"Tseng exclaims. Natasha: You know that makes no sense whatsoever. Your life would depend on having a cig. Rebecca: What if you've been captured by the master villain? Your last request: have a cigarette from your pack. The one with the minature trigger and telescopic sight. Celena: I'd say that's lame, but James Bond did it. So it's lame. > "Well, right now my life depends on it and I NEED MY CIGARETTES!!"She > shouted with a new husky voice she owned. Natasha: She'd better take that back to the shop and get it changed. > Then, she lit up another cigarette and began to smoke that one. > > "Ack! You sound like Joan Rivers!!" Tseng exclaims. > > "I'm sorry. But you see, I love my cigarettes!" Celena: And the tobacco companies no doubt love you. > Elena says making those cute little " O's" with her smoke. Natasha: How sweet. I may vomit. > "Yeah! MY cigarettes!" Rude mumbles. Celena: You can do without them. > Just then, a freshly showered All: Eh? > and clothed All: Damn. > Rufus walks into Elena's room. > Apparently, Rufus landed in the Shin Ra Corp. swimming pool Natasha: Too bad it had just been drained for cleaning. > when he > escaped Scarlet- leaving her to attack Reno instead of him. Celena: Man, you are all heart. Rebecca: Well, this *is* the guy who wanted to rule the world through absolute terror. Celena: So? > "Hey. I just heard shouting and uh- hey. Why is Elena smoking?" He says. Rebecca: [Megatron] I can't help it... It's the plot! Natasha: She's depressed about all the harm the smoke's doing her. > Rude and Tseng shrug and Elena continues smoking..... After a brief > moment of silence, Rufus and the 3 Turks hear the outer door open. They > all run outside to see who it is. Natasha: Will our mystery guest sign in, please? > Reno staggers into the room with his > face as red as his hair, his towel nearly ripped completely ^_^, Rebecca: Yeah. My thoughts exactly. Celena: You are just plain terrible. > and tears rolling down his face. > > "Reno! What happened?!" Rude asks. Natasha: [Reno] I just checked our contract... we've got to do *tons* of these! > "SHE got me.." He muttered. > > "Who?" Tseng asks. Celena: The wicked witch of the west. Who do you think? > "HER. Typhoid Mary.... Scarlet....." Rufus says in a morbid tone. > > Rude and Tseng stare blankly at Reno and Rufus. > > "Well, um, are you okay?" Elena asks. Rebecca: Good to see Elena's up to her usual standards. > "I'm okay....DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY?! I JUST GOT RAPED BY THE OLDEST > CRONE IN SHIN RA!!!" Reno shouts. Rebecca: And considering you hired Cologne just yeasterday, that's bad. > "Old? How old can she possibly be?" Tseng asks. Celena: Ever heard of plastic surgery? > "Ever hear of a man named Methuselah?" Rebecca: [Tseng] No, that's another planet's mythos. > Reno counters." And don't let her > face fool you. It's all plastic surgery . She's really wrinkled and > oogly. She also has boobs implants." Rebecca and Natasha: Naw! Celena: [Crosses arms] Why is it so neccessarily true? Rebecca: Ah... ah... oops. > "How do you know that?" Rude asks. Natasha: [Reno] Because I checked her medical records. What do you think? > "Because while I was being raped.. her boobs leaked. Man, that was > DISGUSTING!! I HAVE PERMANENT COOTIES!!!" Reno shouts. Rebecca: Ugh... that is an image I do *not* need! > "Anyway," Rufus interrupts," I think I know who might be responsible for > the weird behavior going around here." Celena: [Rufus] Just to completely change the subject while a maniac rapist is on the loose. > "Who?" Rude asks. Natasha: Cigarette smoking man! He's responsible for everything, you know. > "Avalanche! Celena: Notice how no-one thinks of blaming Sephiroth. > I bet that they are trying to destroy Shin Ra by driving us crazy! Rebecca: [Rufus] They're sending us bad fanfiction until we submit! Natasha: No, actually Rufus is doing that to the Turks. Celena: That whole situation sounds familiar... > They probably had that Ancient chick Tseng likes so much Rebecca: I didn't think he even knew Cologne. Natasha: Who is this Cologne person anyway? Rebecca: Well, you know how you met a four million year old woman? Natasha: Yes? Rebecca: Cologne was probasbly her mother. Natasha: Ow. > cast > some weird spell on all of us! Slowly but surely, Shin Ra is going to > collapse! I say we go over there and settle this once and for all!" Celena: How about you just drop sector 7 on them? All: Naw! > "Umm, Rufus? I thought I told you not to tell anyone about Aeris...?" > Tseng said, laughing nervously. Natasha: [Tseng] Ssh! Ixnay on Aeris! > "Oh.. I see... You like her huh?" Elena tells him, sounding jealous. > > "Umm, No... but...um...I, Uh.. heh heh-OWWWWWW!!!" Tseng cried in pain > as Elena shoved a cigarette down his throat. Celena: Ah, the smarmy git deserves it. Natasha: Hey! > Then Elena left to go to > her room to smoke some more. Tseng immediately ran to the bathroom to > save his behind. > > "Hey... should we tell him Scarlet is lurking around there for her next > prey?" Rufus asks. > > "Hmmm, Nah. Let him learn what I just did."Reno says. Rebecca: Now that is just totally disgusting. > "And what was that?" Rude asks Reno. Celena: [Mr. Mackie] Well, fanfiction's bad, m'kay? > "I learned," Reno began as he headed to his room to change," That in > space.... No one can hear you scream." Natasha: That is *really* relevant here. > When Reno entered his room, Rude stared at Rufus who looked like he was > waiting for something. Celena: Here's the pitch... > Then they heard Tseng's blood curdling scream > coming from the Men's bathroom. Celena: And the hit! It's a ling fly Turk! > "MOMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!" > > "Yup...she got him." Rufus says, going to his room. Rebecca: Better get a spatula. > {Seventh Heaven} > "You guys gotta help me!!! They're driving me crazy!!!" All: Us too! > Cloud exclaims." Yuffie's hooked on ice cream Rebecca: Well, nothing unusual there. > and Tifa's a wino, Natasha: You would be too if you were in this fic. > and Aeris is just sleepin' away!!" Celena: It's sad. How do we break it to him that she's dead? > "What is you talkin' about? She ain't sleepin' foo'!" Barret, who > returned from the Honey Bee Inn with Vincent, tells Cloud. Rebecca: How come whenever I think about Barret, he's being played by Isaac Hayes? Natasha: Yeah, me too. > "Yeah. Barret's right." Aeris says, yawning." Whoo. I'm sleepy. > G'night." Aeris curls up on Cloud's lap and immediately falls asleep. Natasha: Ah, she gets the best of this fic. > "See?" Cloud states. > > Suddenly, Yuffie runs into the room and tackles Vincent. Rebecca: Foul! Offside! Celena: You know, those two would make a cute couple. Others: Eh? Celena: Well... I'm just saying... > "Ice cream Ice cream! Me want ice cream!!" she yells." And don't give me > none of that " No fat, No sugar" crap either. I WANT REAL ICE CREAM!!!!" Natasha: I know just how she feels. > "Child of the corn, remove yourself or else I will cap you and think > nothing of it."Vincent tells her softly yet sternly. All: Ah... Celena: Que? Rebecca: What's Vincent on this time? > Yuffie immediately stood up and walked over to Cloud. > > "Yo! Gimme money! I want ice cream!!" Rebecca: Must... control... fist of death... Natasha: That character was the only failing in an otherwise marvellous game. I mean, everyone else had something to them, but she was just obnoxious. Celena: I disagree. The Wutai section was a nice distraction from the fighting in the rest of the game. Voice: Do you mind not getting into a discourse on why you hate Yuffie and just get back to the fic? Natasha: Spoilsport. > As if he was possessed by something, Rebecca: An irresistable aura of cute. > Cloud reached into his pocket, > pulled out his wallet and then gave Yuffie 100 Gil. Celena: Recieved 100 Gil! [Pause] Sorry. > Happily, Yuffie left Seventh Heaven to buy ice cream. Rebecca: She probably hoppedy-skipped too. > "Yo! Did you know what you just did?!" Barret asks Cloud. > With a dumb look on his face, Cloud shakes his head. Natasha: [Cloud] Yeah, I got rid of her. > "Sumthin's up!!" Barret exclaims. Celena: Nah, you don't say. > Tifa appears at the pinball machine that led upstairs. Strangely, she > wore a cape and carried a bottle of sake around. > > "I am the Lizard Queen!!" she announces. Rebecca: Oh, yeah. She's gone. > "Lizard... Queen...?" Vincent repeats questionably. Celena: My thoughts exactly. > "Tifa... please... you're drunk.." Cloud says. Rebecca: Congratulations. Give the man a cigar. Natasha: Is this just going to be people acting dumb for the whole fic? Celena: Probably. > "Shut your face Spike!!!" Celena: Multiple exclamation marks are the sign of a diseased mind. Or Dr. Thinker. Rebecca: And now it's time for 'Ask Dr. Thinker.' Celena: Dr. Thinker, how do I get rid of Nav? Rebecca: [Dr. Thinker] Nav weakness am lemon and sexiful lines. Natasha: How do you feel about your works being sent to the Turks to drive them mad? Rebecca [Dr. Thinker] I am so happy that ruffus send truks my sotries! I write fi with them soon!!!! Celena: What does 'Gyra famous on Amy' mean? Rebecca: [Dr. Thinker] I have no idea. > Tifa yells, threatening to hit Cloud with the bottle of sake. > > "If you're not drunk... why are you like this? I mean, you may drink > once in a while but you never drink this much Tifa." Vincent says. Celena: And, of course, we all know that Tifa is a very potent drink. > "Look cutie, All: Cutie? > you think I'm drunk right? Rebecca: And you'd be right. > You and your fine behind think I > crossed the liquor drinkin' line, right? Hey-- that rhymes... well > anyway, you think that right? Geez, I gotta stop sayin' " right"." Tifa > mutters removing her Lizard Queen cape. Celena: Man, I haven't seen anyone this pissed since... yesterday. Natasha: And who was that? Celena: Me. > Blushing uneasily, Vincent nods. Natasha: Nope. I don't know who that is, but it sure ain't Vincent. > "Well lookie here Mr Valentine's Day, I'm not as think as you drunk I > am." Celena: Has Kefka been editing this? > Tifa says as-a-matter-of-factly. > > "THAT'S IT!!! I'm goin' over to Shin Ra and puttin' an end to this > $#@*!^ madness!!" Rebecca: I see that at least Barret's being witten ok. > Barret yells stomping towards the pinball machine. All: Stomp. Stompstompstompstompstomp. > "I'm right behind you." Vincent says following him. > > "WAIT!" Tifa calls out to them. > > "What is it Tifa?"Vincent asks. Natasha [Tifa]: It's an elevator built into a pinball machine, but that's not importaint right now. > "Before you go, I would like to say something that has been botherin' me > for quite sometime and I thought I should get it off my chest." she > says. Rebecca: Probably a battleship, then. Celean: I should hurt you. I really should. Rebecca: But you can't be bothered, right? Fic's getting to you? Celena: Nope. I just don't like Tifa. > "Go ahead." Vincent says, sighing. Natasha: [Vincent] I know I'll live to regret this. > "This room is pink!" Tifa mutters aloud before passing out next to > Cloud, dazed, and Aeris, sleeping on Cloud's lap still. Celena: That really needed saying. > "Don't worry 'bout her. She'll wake up soon and drink sum more." Rebecca: And that's no reason to worry? > Barret tells Vincent as they both leave towards Shin Ra Corp. > > {Outside of Seventh Heaven Bar} > "Well if it isn't Rufus and the zoo crew heading our way..." Vincent > mutters as he sees Rufus, walking arrogantly in the front of his pack, > Rude, carrying Scarlet who was asleep and being carefully watched by a > tazer wand holding Reno, Elena ,who was chewing nicotrol gum that was > being forced upon her by Tseng ,who walked next to her; shoving in > pieces of the gum whenever possible. Celena: Wow. Now that is a run-on sentence. > "What the *&@% do you want?!" Barret yells. Rebecca: [Barret] Don't *&@% with me! Natasha: How do you do that? Rebecca: The miracles of text files. > "You shouldn't talk that way to me." Rufus threatens. Celena: [Rufus] I'm the god! I'm the god! > "I can talk any %$#@*) way I wanna %$#@*) talk aight?!" Rebecca: [Barret] And the first one to disagree gets a %$#@*) up the %$#@*)! Natasha: Whoah! > Barret yells. He attempts to rush at Rufus but keeps his cool. Celena: So... he rushed Rufus... but he didn't. > "Hey, can you guys please tell us what have you done to our girls?" > Tseng asks, exasperated. Rebecca: Wow, Tseng. That's really gonna work. > "What do you mean " what have we done?"?" Natasha: He means: What have you done to him. Celena: Never mind that. How about the disgusting thing he did to English grammar? > Didn't you guys put some weird curse on us?" Vincent states. Rebecca: Yeah, it's called Yuffie. [Celena clobbers her with a cushion] > The Shin Ra members all shake their heads All: [Make rattling noises] > and give Vincent and Barret puzzled looks. > > "Didn't *you* do that to *us*?" Reno asks. > > Vincent and Barret shake their heads. All: [Make sloshing noises] > "Hmmm... so you mean to say that your girls are horny for sex," Rufus > points to Rebecca: An anonymous lemon authour lurking nearby. Celena: Break out the guns. > Scarlet," or smoke all the damn time?" He asks, pointing to > Elena, who was chewing like a cow who chews its cud. Natasha: What, so she'd brought it up from her stomach and was reprocessing it? > "Umm no but our girls drink booze, sleep, and eat ice cream all the damn > time." Vincent states. Rebecca: My god. It sounds like this apartment some days. > "This is all weird...." Rufus mutters. Celena: No shit, Sherlock. > "Oh no! She's waking up!!" Rude yells in reference to Scarlet who was > beginning to move around in her sleep. > > "Ack!! Get the tranquilizer!!!" Tseng yells aloud in panic. Rebecca: Get the mallet! Natasha: Boot to the head! Celena: Show her the fic! > Immediately, Reno takes out a vaccine shot and injects it into Scarlet, > who fumbles a bit and then returns to her slumber. Natasha: That's nice, but wouldn't it be better to use a tranquilizer? > "Whew... that was close."Rufus sighs. > > Barret and Vincent get *big* sweatdrops on their heads as they stare > blankly at the Shin Ra workers. > > "Can we take a look at your girls?" Reno asks. Rebecca: If Dan was here, he'd explode. > "Pervert." Rude states. Natasha: Amazing! Rude said something. Rebecca: We'd better frame it. > "Shut up you!!" Reno yells, pointing his tazer wand at Rude. Rude yawns > lazily and points Scarlet at Reno, Celena: [Rude] Don't move. It's loaded, and I'm not afraid to use it. > who hides for cover in fear. > > "Awright. Come on in." Barret says. Natasha: [Barret] Just come straight on in to our secret headquarters, even though you're our worst enemies. Celena: Say, how did they know where to look anyway? Rebecca: Read the clue book. > {Inside} Rebecca: [Eccles] It's dark in here. > The Shin Ra workers come inside and take a look around the bar. Rebecca: [GM] You walk into the tavern. It has wooden floors and walls. There are fifteen fighters, all wearing scale mail and broadswords. They are all drinking. > Tifa was dead drunk and laying on the pool table and singing. Celena: Ah, close enough. > "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.. you take some down > and give it to me, then you got 12 bottles of beer on the wall-ooh, > 12.... on the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...." Natasha: That's right, 'Tifa Sings While Pissed,' available now from Shinra Records. > "See? She's been like this all day." Natasha: [Vincent] And it's only eight in the morning. > Vincent tells the Shin Ra members. Rebecca: You know, I wouldn't mind getting a peek at Reno's member myself. Celena: [Punches Rebecca] Now stop that! > Yuffie runs into the bar and runs around in circles, Rebecca: [Cloud] Ladies' room is upstairs, Yuffie. Celena: [Cracks knuckles] > holding a bagful of ice cream. > > "HYPER HYPER!! ICE CREAM, ICE CREAM!! HYYYYPPPEEEERRRRRR > COOOOMMMBBBOOOO!!!!!" Natasha: [Yuffie] YUFFIE HYPER ICE-CREAM COMBO ATTACK! Rebecca: My ears may never be the same. > Yuffie stops Natasha: Breathing. Please? Celena: Don't make me hurt you. Natasha: Yes ma'am! > and sits down to eat a gallon of ice cream. > > "Ooh! An authentic Cuban cigar!" Elena says, Celena: [Elena] If only I could figure out what a 'Cuban' is. > taking a fresh cigar from behind the bar counter and then lighting it up. Celena: Then, Elena explo- Oh, sorry. "Lighting *it* up." Damn. Natasha: Hey, I like her. She's silly. Celena: And you said *what* precisely about Yuffie? Natasha: Okay, how much of the game is Yuffie in? Celena: Natch. > Admist the smoking, ice cream eating, and singing, Natasha: Bad fanfics. Rebecca: Potty-mouthed riffing. Celena: And blows to the head. > Rufus managed to speak clearly with the males in the room. Celena: And here's where the authour's inherent sexism becomes apparent. Natasha: Hey, wait a minute. Where's Cait Sith in all this? [Long pause] Rebecca: Maybe his coin slot jammed. Natasha: Maybe he saw the fic coming and ran away. Celena: Maybe Reeve's busy hiding from Scarlett along with Hojo, Palmer and Heidegger. Rebecca: Are you kidding? Those two couldn't hide behind Proud Clod. > "Look. I think something's up with the girls All: NAW! > and its something that might need some remedy. Celena: Then again, maybe not. > I think we should give them-" Celena: A quick whack around the nut should do it. > "5 GOLDEN RINGS!!! 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtledoves, and a Rebecca: Frontal lobotomy for Yuffie. Celena: One more... I swear, one more... > partridge in a pear tree!!" Tifa sings out loud. > > Everyone in the room shuts up and looks at Tifa for a brief moment. Natasha: [Rufus] You know, she's quite hot. > Then everything gets back to normal... sort of. Celena: I suppose it's one of those relative things. Considering they've still got a sector over their heads and all. > "Like I was saying, there must be some remedy." Rufus says, clearing his > throat. > > "Sure boss. We throw salt over our shoulders and say the magic words!" All: Haha. Ha. > Reno mumbles sarcastically. Before Rufus can even attack him, Cloud > walks into the room with Aeris in his arms. Celena: I bet he's always wanted to do that. Rebecca: [Cloud] Don't worry everyone. She's just practicing for her big scene. > "Ack!!!" Natasha: Our thoughts exactly. > Tseng yells, feeling jealous at the sight of Aeris sleeping in > Cloud's arms. > > "What are *YOU* doing here?" Cloud asks. Rebecca: What are any of us doing here? Can any one of us really say why they are here? Celena: [The Tick] Because a big clown hit me! Rebecca: See? That wasn't so hard. Natasha: I should ask, but I'm afraid I'll get an answer. > "Yo! There ain't gonna be no fightin' up in here. If ya'll gonna fight, Natasha: [Barret] Go to the bar down the road! They've been stealing all our customers. > do it outside!" Barret announces. > > "Yeah!! And that goes double for you Spike!!" Tifa yells at Cloud. Rebecca: Oh, please. Maybe Fort Max can show up and kick the crap outta the authour. Natasha: I've got him too! Rebecca: ... Celena: I'm kinda glad I don't care. > "My name is not Spike!! It's Cloud!! C-L-O-U-D, CLOUD!!" Cloud yells. Natasha: Notice how similar that turns out to clod anyway. Celena: Its moments like this that make me regret the mass-market appeal of RPGs. > "Yeah whatever Spike...." Tifa mumbles as she lays down again to drink. > > Before the room can go into its bustling state, Sephiroth materializes > into the room. Celena: And here comes the hero of the show! All: Aahh... Rebecca: Er, not that we like him or anything. Voice: Sure. > "Heh heh heh. It worked..." he whispered loudly. Natasha: He whispered loudly... yah. Whatever. > "SEPHIROTH!! It was you wasn't it?! You did this!?" Cloud shouts. Celena: Took his sweet time! Who did you think it was, anyway? Rebecca: Don Corneo? Natasha: Hojo? Celena: Shinra Manager? > "Well duh. We villains have to cause all the problems don't we? Celena: Uh, that's generally what villains *do.* > Besides, > if I didn't do this, Kefka and Ozzie will make me the laughing stock of > the entire Villains' Cigar Club. Celena: All right, this is officially f*cked up right here. Rebecca: Do you reckon he means the FF3 character or the authour? Celena: Most likely both. Natasha: I'm *really* glad I'm missing something here. > I have a reputation to keep there y'know." Sephiroth says. > > "Ooh! Cigar club... Can I join?" Elena asks, taking a couple of puffs of > her adored cigar. Rebecca: [Sephiroth] Depends... How many small towns have you annhialated in the past week? > Sephiroth shakes his head. " No." > > "Oh gee..." Rude mumbles. > > "Okay... can you please get rid of the problems? Celena: [Cloud] Pretty please mister nice Sephiroth person? Rebecca: [Sephiroth] Let me think about it... NO! > I mean, what did you do anyway?" Cloud asks. Natasha: [Sephiroth] I put you all in a crappy fanfic. > "While I was eating my breakfast of a Manhattan Bagel with cream cheese > this morning, Celena: [Sephiroth] Whatever a 'Manhattan' is. Natasha: Do you think we've done that one to death yet? Rebecca: Has the authour. Natasha: Yes. Celena: Do you reckon that these details of his breakfast are vital? Rebecca: I want to know how long North Caves has had such a nice breakfast service for. > it occurred to me that I was a lonely guy and that all of > you guys have all the luck. I mean, you have girls all around you Celena: [Sephiroth] So I figured: "Screw you all, I'll squash you with a meteor." > whereas I have absolutely no one. Except Jenova, who is a headless space > freak and my mother." Sephiroth begins. Natasha: Well... she is. > "So what does this madness prove? Natasha: [Sephiroth] That I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD! BWAHAHAHA! Celena: You do that way too well. Natasha: Sorry. > Your jealousy?" Rufus asks, wiping back his hair. Rebecca: [Rufus] I am so cool. > "No it doesn't, pretty boy. Celena: Look who's talking. Rebecca: We're losing her. > I also found out that these girls in > particular have a special energy that no one else on this planet has, Rebecca: Plot contrivance power? [They both stare at her] Sorry. > and that it's a very special energy. Natasha: Didn't you just say that? > So, following my lifetime motto: Celena: [Sephiroth] A little carnage, violence and the odd meteor never hurt anyone. > 'If you want it, take it', I did a little hocus pocus and I get it." Rebecca: With what? The plot contrivance materia? Natasha: You are treading on such thin ice. > "But *why* did you want the energy?" Cloud asks. Natasha: Take three guesses. Go on. > "For power. Duh! You good guys may be strong but you guys are *stupid*." Celena: [Dark Helmet] Evil will always triumph because good is stupid. > he says, "Because they don't have that energy, thanks to me," Natasha: Didn't you just say that? > smiles handsomely, Celena: Yeah... Rebecca: She's going... > "The girls are doing these weird things for an alternate energy source." > > Angrily, Cloud takes some nearby wine (surprised Tifa didn't drink > *that* too) and spills it all over Sephiroth. Natasha: Hissy fit! Hissy fit! > " Bastard!! Celena: Hmmm... Dark Schnieder... Rebecca: Ah... [Waves hand in front of Celena's face] You still with us? > Change them back!!!" Celena: Huh? Uh, yeah. That'll *really* convince him. > Sephiroth looks at his stained clothes and at his hair in a mirror. Natasha: [Sephiroth] I am *really* gonna need a dry-cleaner. > "Are you SUICIDAL?" He asks Cloud with rage in his eyes. > > "Umm... Sorry about that.... I was so mad..." Cloud mutters before > breaking into a cry," P-Please don't kill me." Natasha: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Rebecca: Notice how we've secretly replaced Cloud with Shinji Ikari. Now read on. > "Feh. You've lucked out." Natasha: [Sephiroth] The fic is almost over. > Sephiroth says, lowering his raised sword, " > Since Ozzie knows I did this already, I'll change the girls back okay?" All: WHAT? Celena: I do not believe that! Rebecca: They just ask him to fix them, and he does? How much crap is this? Natasha: Oh, yeah. I see it all now. The should have just gone up to North Caves and said "Please don't drop the meteor on us," and he would have said "All right, because you're such nice people." Rebecca: Get a hold on yourself. You almost lost it there. Natasha: Sorry. I'm better now. > "Thank you!" The guys yell. > > Sephiroth throws salt over his shoulder and says the magic words. Celena: B-doom tish. > Suddenly, Yuffie stops eating her ice cream, Elena stops smoking, Tifa > stops drinking and trying to become a contortionist, Aeris wakes up, but > there is no reaction for Scarlet, yet. Rebecca: Better watch that thing. It could be dangerous. > "Holy shit! It worked!" Reno yells happily as Rufus looks at everything > in disbelief. Celena: Trust me, he's not the only one. > "Huh?" Aeris asks as she woke up. > > "Don't worry. It was just a dream..." Cloud tells her softly. Rebecca: More like a nightmare. Natasha: [Aeris] I had such a strange dream. And you were there, Cloud. And you too, Barret. And you, and you, and you... Celena: You know what, Red XIII? I don't think we're in Midgar any more. > Yuffie looks around at her ice cream gallons that were all empty. Natasha: It sounds nitpicky, but how can a gallon be empty? > Then she grabbed her stomach in pain." Ow!! Gawd, my tummy hurts!!" Rebecca: [Yuffie] And my head. I must have been thinking again. Celena: You forgot, didn't you? Rebecca: Oops. Celena: [Punches Rebecca] I forgive you. > "Umm... can someone tell me how did I get like this and why do I have a > *humongous* headache?" Tifa asks while she was in a Human Pretzel. Natasha: Tifa? How many times have we told you not to practice wrestling moves on the pool table? > Vincent laughs softly as he helps her out of the pretzel." Let's just > say that you got *REALLY* thirsty," he tells her. > > "Yuck!!!! Why do I have a cigar in my mouth!?" Rebecca: Could it be that you were smoking it? > Elena shouts while coughing and hacking like crazy. Rebecca: [Elena] Just a couple more key strokes, and I'm into the Pentagon's system! > "Heh heh... You DON'T wanna know..." Tseng replies. > > "Umm.... but what about Scarlet?" Rude asks. Celena: What about her? > "Hmm. We better not take any risky chances, take her somewhere far away > from us. Natasha: You are such wonderfully merciful people. Rebecca: This is Scarlet we're talking about. > When she recovers, I'm sure she'll find her way back to headquarters." Celena: Never know... maybe she'll be eaten by a monster or two along the way. Rebecca: Please? > Rufus tells Rude. Rude nods and leaves Seventh Heaven with Scarlet. > > "Can we please leave?" Reno asks, angry because Tifa drank all the > booze. Celena: I wanna get pissed. Natasha: Didn't you mean to say that as Reno? Celena: No. > "You're right. Let's go." Rebecca: [Rufus] I've got some slums to squash. > Rufus tells his workers. Rufus, Elena, Tseng, and Reno all leave the bar. > > "Good! The Village People have finally left!!" Cloud says aloud. Natasha: Yeah, funny ha ha. > "Whew. Today wuz a weird but good day. Celena: But good? Tifa drank the place dry, Yuffie bankrupted you on ice cream, and Shinra nearly levelled the place. Natasha: also, there's this guy with a big sword still hanging around... > Ooh wow." Barret says taking a > seat." I bet it was more fun than that Strawberry Festival." > > "A ROOT CANAL is more fun than that." Cloud tells him. Natasha: Look who's talking. > "Yeah.. Thank God I ain't go. Celena: Nnnope. I don't get it at all. > I probably woulda died by now." Rebecca: Well, it's either that or stay here with the fic. > Barret > says. From there, Cloud and Barret go into a healthy conversation while > Tifa and Aeris begin to clean up. Yuffie leaves to go get some Materia. > Sephiroth shrugs and sits down on a bar stool and reads a Sports > Illustrated magazine. Celena: [Sephiroth] Ooh, the swimsuit edition. Rebecca: Vincent's just hanging around being gothic, as usual. > "Umm I don't mean to interrupt," Vincent interrupts Natasha: [Vincent] Whoops! D'oh! > Cloud and Barret," But um, Ephirothsay is erehay." > > "Who you callin' "Ephirothsay" Vampy!!!" Rebecca: I've never heard him described like that. I'll have to remember it. > Sephiroth yells gripping his Masamune. Celena: *His* Masamune? Rebecca: Don't you know? It comes in six-packs now. > "Heh.... Let's rock.." Vincent says with a strikingly handsome smile Celena: That no-one can see due to his cloak. > as he grips his Death Penalty gun Rebecca: Oooh... Can I have one of those? Alex Fauth: [V.O] Only if you're good. Celena: Well, folks, there goes the fourth wall. Again. > (so handsome, Tifa and Aeris stopped > their cleaning to take portraits of him.). Natasha: Someone here likes Vincent. Let's just get that over with. > Before the two men can even fight, Aeris and Tifa break it up. Celena: Having used all the film in thier cameras. > Aeris holds Sephiroth back Rebecca: Yeah, that's really gonna work. > and Tifa holds Vincent back. > > "Stop this!!" Natasha: Fic! > Aeris yells. > > "Yeah. You two are acting like children!" Tifa says. Celena: And who's talking? > "Well he started it," Vincent says. > > "Did not!" Sephiroth says. > > "Did too!" > > "Did not! Did not!" > > "Did too did too did too did too did too did-" Rebecca: I wept for FF7. Natasha: My brain's about to explode. > "STOPPPPPPPPP!!!!" Aeris yells at them as she steps in between them now. Celena: You know, that is probably a very dumb place to be. > "Ancient, stay out of this or else my sword will accidentally fall > forward." Sephiroth tells Aeris sternly. Natasha: Please, don't riff the good moments of the game. > "Umm, look. Finish the fight tomorrow. Sephiroth, you go home and rest." > Aeris tells him. > > "But I-" Sephiroth begins to complain. Rebecca: Oh, god, please no. I can't take this again. Natasha: Maybe a handy meteor will save us all the agony. > "GO!!" Aeris demands pointing towards the bar's exit. Celena: [Sephiroth, small] Yes, mum! > "Fine!" Sephiroth says with a pout as he stomps angrily out of the bar. > " You've lucked out Valentine!!" Natasha: [Sephiroth] I'm gonna tell my mummy on you! Celena: Ooh. I just thought about that. > "Up yours!" Vincent yells back." I've always hated him...," Rebecca: You don't say... > he says in > his normal soft tone. He gets scared as he sees Tifa look at him with > the same look Aeris gave Sephiroth. Rebecca: Help, help, mummy, she's scaring me! > "And you.... go to your room and I don't want to see you come out of > there until you and Sephiroth settle this like grown men!!" she tells > him. Natasha: [Vincent, small] Yes, mum! Celena: [Tifa] Boys! > "But I-" Vincent begins to complain . "GO!!" Tifa points to Vincent's > room (which was in the new "inn" upstairs). Rebecca: Yes. We needed to know that. Thank you. Celena: I thought it would have been a coffin in the basement, myself. > Vincent doesn't say anything. Instead, he goes to his room without > saying a word or making a sound. > > "Hmph! Men! It's that immaturity that makes them alcoholics and sleep > around the house all day!" Tifa snarls. Natasha: This is meant to be the amusing stinger? Rebecca: I guess so. Celena: Yay. > "Amen!" Aeris says," What will they be without us women?" Rebecca: A lot scarcer on the ground. > {Shin Ra Corp. Building} > "Umm, Rude? Where's Scarlet?" Tseng asks. Natasha: 'Where's Scarlet?' Now available at all good book stores. Can you find Shinra's head of weapons developement? > "Oh her? I put her far far far away from any forms of life." Rude says. Celena: Here's the wind-up... > "Are you sure?" Reno asks, scared. Rebecca: [Rude] No, I just imagined it. > "Yeah. I don't think Seph's remedy worked so I took extra precautions > with her and put her very far away from us." Rude replies. Natasha: So I shot her out of the Junon Cannon. Rebecca: That would be fun. > Tseng's eyebrow wrinkled in thought. Where the hell can *THAT* be?! Celena: There's the pitch... > {Northern Crater- Sephiroth's home} Natasha: Close to the shops, convenient for public transport. A real fixer-upper opportunity. > "Stupid Vincent. I coulda finished him off..but nooo, that dummy Aeris > got in the way! Rebecca: [Falsetto] God damn Aeris! Can't stand her! > Mmm, Man!!" Sephiroth mumbles as he slumps on his bed." > I shoulda set some pathetic village on fire or something...." Rebecca: I suppose that one was meant to be funny as well. > "Ooh..you can light me on fire baby..." Celena: And there's the hit. > he heard a woman's voice say. > Suddenly, he felt vicious and evil claws grab his shirt. Natasha: It's the authour! Run! > Scarlet appears behind him and begins to... ahem...attack him slowly. All: AAACK! Rebecca: This is *not* something I need to see! > Like Tseng, Rufus, > and Reno before him, he suddenly became powerless and couldn't fight her > off. Celena: [Muttered] Despite the fact that he's the single most powerfull being on the entire planet. > "OH SWEET LORD!!!! MOMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!" Rebecca: My thoughts exactly. > Sephiroth screams at the top of his lungs. > > "I *would* help but I'm a Headless Space freak, remember?" Jenova tells > Sephiroth telepathically. Natasha: I... I... I'm just speechless. > "But Mom!! I-um- I'm sorry!!!" Sephiroth cries." Look!! Your son is > being raped! I'm being viciously attacked here mom! I can't do > anything!!!" Celean: I'm gonna cry soon. > "Tough." Jenova mutters. > > "HUH?! OH...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" All: YES! > THE END Rebecca: Thank you! [Rebecca extends her submachinegun from her forearm as Natasha pulls a short-barreled magnum revolver from her flightsuit and Celena draws a sawn-off shotgun from her backpack. They all start firing, pumping ammunition into the TV set. When the smoke clears, it is smashed to pieces.] Natasha: I feel *so* much better. Rebecca: Amazingly theraputic, isn't it? Voice: Ah... so... Rebecca: Well! It was certainly a truly extravigant experinence in the nature of crap. I mean, you've pulled some dire ones on us in past, your huge skulledness, but this takes the cake. there wasn't a single even moderately redeeming feature in this peice of excrement, save for its mercifully breif length. Celena: The worst thing is that it comes out as such a generic FF7 fic. The characters are massacred beyond belief, acting so incredible stupid that you can barely believe that these are the same people. Especially Sephiroth. It's almost as if all the authour knew about him was that he's the villain and has a big sword. Oh yeah, and everyone's alive and well and living in Seventh Heaven. Natasha: Well... It was, put simply, crap. There wasn't a single thing to like about this fic. I could have had a more enjoyable time back in Cambodia with the mosquitos than watching this. It was just totally wrong. Not a single good thing about it. Crap. Voice: Well, thanks for thar. You can go now. Rebecca: And not before time! [They all get up] Rebecca: Oh, and Celena? [Punches her - hard - in the face] We're even now. Celena: Okay. Natasha: Let's go to the club and get pissed. Celena: I need it about now. Rebecca: Maybe we can annoy some Sailor Brats while there! Celena: Sweet. [They leave. The screen goes blank] Voice: Right. Never, ever, get those three together again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Celena Harte is copyright 1996-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Natasha Isavia are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, Crappy Fanfics and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Well lookie here Mr Valentine's Day, I'm not as think as you drunk I > am." Tifa says as-a-matter-of-factly.