Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 46 - Well into our all-EVA marathon, and we've got a brand new SI. Whoop-de-do-dah-day. Thanks to Sardonyx who pointed us at this steaming heap, and to Chuck Williamson who had dibs but passed it on to us. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II Delta is copyright someone who didn't even put their own name on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Rick & Rebecca enter.] Rebecca: You know Rick, after reading Hellstorm II, I'm much less apprihensive about today's experiment. Rick: How so? Rebecca: Being honest, Rick, it can't be any worse than Hellstorm II. Rick: Don't be too sure. If I know the Great Big Head in the Sky, he's probably found something even more painful. Rebecca: Like what? Rick: I dunno. End of Evagnelion the Lisa Foster edition. Issei's dread lemon. Something icky like that. Rebecca: Thanks Rick. I may never sleep again. [Dan & Tsuneo enter.] Dan: Hey there, guys. Rebecca: Oh, hi. What's new? Tsuneo: Oh, dan & I just saw Mark Fosters MSTing of another EVA fic, Neon Armageddon Evangelist. Rick: Any good? Tsuneo: Great work on the MSTing. Fic itself was awful as all hell. Dan: And guess what? It had another SI. [They all groan loudly.] Rick: They seem to be crawling out oif the woodwork these days. Rebecca: Let me guess, the part-angel god boy category? Dan: Yup. Only she's a chick called Sublime. Tsuneo: Which is about as inappropriate a name as possible. Dan: Plus she's got an AT field, can reflect bullets back at people, teleport... Oh, and she carries around a huge norkin' pistol that makes people explode like Issei's. Rick: Wow. anyone would think the author had just read the same EVA fics as us and decided to go one up. Tsuneo: Seems like it, given how the intro included bagging out DJ and Issei. Dan: She doesn't get to do much in the fic, actually. Just kill Keel Lorenz and get her rocks off with Kaoru. Rebecca: Like I said before, Tabris is one screwed up angel. Dan: Personally I'd rate her third on the scale, after Issei and Lisa. Rick: That bad? Dan: Not really, but worse than Jon or DJ. Rebecca: Joyous. I need some cheering up. Any fanmail? Tsuneo: Hold on... [Tsuneo heads over to the computer and fiddels with the mouse.] Tsuneo: A bucket load! Dan: Seriously? [They all cluster around the computer.] Tsuneo: yeah. Most of them are on Hellstorm II. Rebecca: Not surprising. Tsuneo: The first one's from Keith Palmer on those two short Eva fics. > Another week, another visit to SVAM, another Elmer Studios MSTing. Dan: Poor you. > You're > prolific and you're funny; as I poke away on the Undocumented Features > MSTing, I can only pay my respects. > This week, I saw your MSTing of two Evangelion fanfics. (Actually, I saw > it on your own site; Rebecca: Amazing. This makes, what, five visitors? > I hadn't thought that SVAM would have been updated > yet.) I was quite interested to see that the MSTing included "Issei > Strikes Back"--although, having just warmed up by reading Chuck > Williamson's MSTing of "Long Sword of Honor," Rick: I feel sorry for you, fellow Issei victim. > my old worries about Issei > Malatoun returned in force. The fanfic... Well, what can I say, other > than that I laughed harder reading it than I have reading MSTings in a long > time. A lot of the humor came from the sheer incoherence and general > wrongness of Issei's work. He doesn't improve with practice. Dan: Or age. > Your riffing > was good, though; I suppose it accented the badness of the fanfic. As for > the other fanfic... Like "Cruel Lina's Thesis," it's one of those works I > ask why it bothered to happen more than anything else. This increased the > humor of your riffs, though. Tsuneo: Jin amazed me with his sheer pointlessness. > Seeing the preview for "Hellstorm Evangelion II" on your site piqued my > attention; I hope that the MSTing arrives soon, or at least sooner than NXE > 1:4. (Sorry about that--sometimes, though, I become convinced that your > MSTings seemed to appear at about the same time as the real instalments of > NXE itself. That's another series in limbo--perhaps the two are strangely > linked.) Rebecca: Is it a conspiracy? DJ would say it was. Dan: Blame Tim, not us. > Before I go, I have a comment or two about your action figures. The > Princess Ling Ling figures may be valuable soon (or they may just all > vanish into the unopened collections of speculators); Mike Surbrook has > just retired her. The Rick Veers figure won't end up as a chain-smoking, > alcoholic wreck, but he may just be remoulded with realistic withering > action for the "Marta Jones and the Last Crusade" line. (Check the casting > for the two movies.) I also want to ask whether the Obi-Wan Tsuneo action > figure was the old "A New Hope" figure, the young "The Phantom Menace" > figure, or the rare blueberry jelly ghost figure. Tsuneo: All of the above. Furthermore, Shion's also playing Darth Maul, meaning I get to have another cool swordfight with her. > Until "Hellstorm Evangelion II" arrives... Rebecca: It happened for us. Rick: Very much so. Dan: Next? Tsuneo: Well, actually it *is* Keith on Hellstorm II. Dan: Natch. > Hellstorm Evangelion II... Well, what can I say? All: Ouch. > It might not have had > the sheer lunacy of the original, but it's definitely one of the funniest > worst fanfics I've ever read. In addition, when compared to "Issei Strikes > Back", I found your riffs added more to the humour. > I noticed your little discussion at the beginning about who the worst EVA > SI is. When reading it, I was left with the uncomfortable idea that the > SIs are really starting to multiply now, especially with the fanfics now > being dibbed added to the mix. DJ may still be the most normal of them > all, but you've only scratched the surface of his infamy so far. Other SIs > may completely drive Evangelion off the tracks, but he manages to belittle > the original while at work. Tsuneo: That is very true, but you also have to take into account that NXE at least keeps the all-important themes of EVA intact, even if DJ himself totally ignores them. > If you ever feel the need to read a good Evangelion fanfic, not to MST but > simply to avoid the painful idea that all EVA fanfic authors are obsessed > with inserting themselves to save the world by making the original > characters look like idiots or worse, I'd like to recommend Daniel Snyder's > "Damnation" and "Sariel". They're both quite good. Tsuneo: Thanks. I'll have to try those out for relief. Rick: And thank you, Keith! Glad to see someone appreciates the pain we go through. Dan: Any more? Tsuneo: Loads. This one's from Chuck Williamson on Hellstorm II. Rebecca: I feel sorry for him already. > I want to express my disgust for Helstorm Evangelion II, but all I can > articulate is "Ugh!". I simply cannot believe the kid continued the damn > fanfic. How could he do this to us? Why, God, Why-eeeeee?! Rick: Yep, that's about what we got to. > Um... Anyhow, thank you for once again utterly annhilating the brainchild > of Issei Mataloun. Simply put, I don't think anyone could have done a > better job than Elmer Studios. Dan: Aw, shucks. > I laughed (at the MSTing), I cried (for the > English language), and I regurgitated my lunch (upon reading it halfway and > realizing it just WOULD NOT END). I think the sequal surpassed the > original Hellstorm in utter stupidity and lunacy. Thank God for the MSTing > itself, or I would have lost my sanity and my will to live. Rebecca: While you're at it, have a bit of sympathy for the Fauth brothers. They had to go through it clean. > By the way, I still think Issei is the worst avatar of the bunch. Sure, > Lisa Foster (Agh! Why must she be named after the one I love? ;_;) is a > dreadful little git herself, but Issei not only warped the entire > Evangelion cast, but also the entire Evangelion universe. I mean, do you > honestly think Anno would approve of the devil's meglomaniacal plan to > bind/destroy Heaven and Earth? O_o Dan: I don't think there's much in EVA fanfics he *would* approve of. > Dan's still the coolest. :o) He needs a fan club. Dan: Woo-hoo! Thanks man! Rebecca: Hellstorm II must have affected his brain. Rick: Is that all? Tsuneo: Not nearly. We've got on from Mike Surbrook, also on Hellstorm II. > > Any questions?" > > "Yes" sayed Asuka > Rebecca: [Asuka] How do I get out of this chicken shit outfit? > MARTA: You stow that shit, Hudson! > All I have to say is... Oooogggg... All: Ooooooooohhhhhh! > > Then > > asuka and Rei got under a tree and cuddled up. Rei moved on Asuk and > > huged > Huged here? What, gave her breast implants? Rebecca: In an Issei fic? Anything's possible. Rick: Hey! With implants Rei would look like Sailor Mercury! > > her and kissed her neck, then her lips. Asuka kissed her back and they > > cuddled and had sex in the woods. > I haven't encountered Asuka yet and that makes me feel ill. Tsuneo: You're the lucky one. We know Auska. > > Give up the quest NOW or you will be dead!!" He then struck a karatae > > pose > Dan: Posing up a storm! > Rick: He's no ninja! He's a Lin Kuei! > What's a Lin Kuei? (heh) > > Isse then wispered softly "Don't worry Shinji.......I have a > > plan!" > Rebecca: [Baldric] I have a cunning plan, milord. > MARTA: You wouldn't recognize a cunning plan if it danced naked on a > harpsicord singing cunning plans are here again. > > and lips of the same color. > Tsuneo: It's Shion gone gothic. > SHION: I do hope you're in this new game so I may teach you a lesson for > that. Tsuneo: Gulp... > Rebecca: No, no! It's Darth Shion! > SHION: Sorry, as Darth Shion I dress in black, I do *not* wear black > makeup. > Oh, so Death is a woman. If this was Lady Death, wouldn't the Amazing > Frontage (tm) make that obvious? Rick: You'd think so... > > Then both Shinji and Issei > > grabbed HUGE hammers and bashed Woodie and sent him into space. > So, they gonna send him bad fanfics too? Tsuneo: He deserves it if anyone does. Rick: Hmm... way down in Brat 13. Dan: Thanks, Mike! That was, er... as coherent as ever. Rick: More? Tsuneo: Two to go. This is from Jamie Jeans on Hellstorm II. > Dear Elmer Studios, > As always, your MSTing of EVA fanfics, especially your latest > Hellstorm 2, was extremely funny and had me almost falling off my chair, > holding my sides. Where the hell do these people get their ideas anyway? > It's... I mean... Earth explodes and people die in Heaven in hell in > pools of their own gore. Gods... thank god it was so freaking goofy that > I laughed at everything. > Oh yeah, Rick? About that comment about NAE? I've got plans for you... > BIG plans... BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Rick: Oh great. > SAMANTHA: Oh great going, Rick... he just downed a liter of JOLT. God > only knows what he's gonna write now. > ALEXANDER: If he ever writes that Susano Marionette J Jamiefic, I'm > blaming you for this, Rick. > SAMANTHA: It could be worst. > ALEXANDER: *How* could it be any more worst? > SAMANTHA: He could write that Vault Wars: The New MST Jamiefic and have > Rick as one of the cannon fodder who messily dies fighting the Death > Star. > ALEXANDER: Good point. Rebecca: Susano... No, I probably don't want to know. > Anyhow, great MSTing and if you ever find that lemon that Issei > was talking about, let me have it. I'll rip it to shreds. Tsuneo: We're praying he never does. Rick: Take it. It's yours. Rebecca: And thanks for that Jamie, Sam and Alex. Tsuneo: Last one! It's from Mark Foster on Hellstorm II. > I just had this weird thought, if everyone in Hellstorm is gay then > the world is doomed since no-one is going to breed! Of course that > is if the world wasn't destoryed in Hellstorm - but hey.... the > thought counts! Rick: That makes sense... I think. > Keep up the good work on all your different theatres ^_^ > Okay, you kill me now. Rebecca: Can we? Please? Tsuneo: And thank you! Dan: Wow. People really hated Hellstorm II, didn't they? Tsuneo: No kidding. Voice: Good morning, all. Rebecca: Morning, phantom menace. Voice: Uh-huh. Rick: Okay, voice. What pain have you got for us today? Voice: It's another EVA fic, actually. I thought I'd send it to you now, since you're on a roll. Dan: Help. Tsuneo: And it will, of course, feature a god-like part-angel SI, right? Voice: No. I guarantee it. Rick: But there is an SI. [Pause] Voice: Not necessarily. Dan: That's a yes. Voice: It's called Evangelion II- All: Electric boogaloo! Voice: Very funny. As I was saying, it's called EVA II - DELTA Invasion. Tsuneo: I suppose that's that for the movies and eps. 25 & 26. Rick: Geez, you're so negative. Tsuneo: Can you blame me? [They sit - Rick and Dan facing the TV, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the sideways couch. Rebecca and Dan are closest on the corners.] Voice: I've also included the character profiles at the start of the fic. Rick: For bracing, I presume. Vocie: Something like that. [The screen lights up.] > New Characters' Nerv Profiles(up to Genesis 0:20) > 1/ Tom Dyron > Date of Birth : January 9th, 2001 [They all groan loudly.] Rick: Can we say "New EVA pilot," folks? Rebecca: Maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe this one will be *only* on DJ's power level. > Birthplace : San Francisco Rick: [Camp] Oh, dear. Rebecca: If Shinji's the love interest here, I'm leaving. Tsuneo: Odds on says it's Rei. > Height : 6'3" 1/2 Weight : 218lbs Tsuneo: Six foot three and a half? The hell? Dan: That's not a kid! It's Shawn friggin' Michaels! > Occupation : Eva-03 pilot/ Rick: There you go. Tsuneo: What, EVA-03 again? > Singer and guitarist in a band Rick: Oh, is that all? Dan: I expect by the end of the fic he'll be the future King of the Universe. Tsuneo: That and he forgot to mention he's a master chef, race-car driver, nuclear physicist and ballroom dancer. > As far as we know from Tom's profile, he was born in San Francisco about > four months after the massacre called Second Impact occured. Tsuneo: Which would mean that all of San Francisco was underwater, thus rendering the entirety of this fic impossible and redundant. Thank you and goodnight. Dan: Maybe his mother was into bizarre alternate birthing techniques. > San Francisco had not been hit by that total disaster All: Huh? Tsuneo: Give me one good reason why not. Rick: They all thought happy thoughts and made the water go away. > and Tom was born a normal kid. Dan: [Authour] We'll soon fix that. Rick: There's nothing normal about a kid who's six three and a half. Rebecca: I thought you had to have all manner of personality problems before they even considered you for an EVA pilot. > He > lived as a normal child until the biggest earthquake in known history called > the "Big One" Rick: How imaginative! Dan: Until a bigger one came along, which they promptly called "Whoops, Sorry." > occured on July 4th, 2006 which killed Tom Dyron's mother and > three year old brother. Tsuneo: Insert stock tragic background here. Rebecca: You can almost hear the violins playing. Rick: You can almost hear the lifepath table turning over. > San Francisco was totaly erased Tsuneo: A whole six years late. Dan: So what, no rubble or anything? Rebecca: Hey doesn't that mean they would have killed of Jon as well? [Tsuneo cheers.] > as Tom's father found a job in Tokyo-3 and moved there All: How convenient. > with Tom's best friend, Mike Baners. Rick: [Authour] Mike's dad has the occasional temper tantrum and turns green, but you get used to it. > In the end of the year 2012, Tom, Mike and his father moved back to a rebuilt > San Francisco. Dan: Obviously it got better from being totally erased. All: Floating island! > But the happiness unfortunately didn't last long as Tom's > father was shot down the next year as well as Tom's uncle. Rebecca: Wow. It really sucks to be him. Rick: [Author] His uncle didn't have anything to do with this. I just felt like it. Dan: This sounds suspiciously like a set-up to me. Tsuneo: Shot down? Was he a pilot or something? Details would be nice. > From that moment on, Tom Rebecca: Pledged himself to the cause of justice! > quit school and had to work to live with with a lot of people in the > same apartment. Rick: Proving just how much his dad had welched on his savings. Dan: Sounds like a bad sitcom idea, if you ask me. > In 2015, Tom joined a branch of the American Air Force, All: Huh? Tsuneo: So he joined the air force when he was fourteen? Rick: It would be pretty easy for him to lie about his age, given he's six three and a half. > but passed test Tsuneo: Past tense? Does this mean he's dead? > and was designed as 6th Children by us. [They all crack up laughing.] Rick: 6th children? How many of him are in there? Dan: Maybe we've got a fansubbed version. Tsuneo: [Author] Pity I didn't pass a spelling test. > He moved back a few days ago at Nerv and is now ready to battle the new threat. Tsuneo: New threat? Rebecca: Alright, but if the devil lives under his bed, I'm leaving. > Tom's ability to pilot an Evangelion unit is incredible, All: Of course. Dan: He's probably a trillion times more powerful than Shinji, too. > and the new Eva-03 performs a whole lot better than the older model. Rick: Oh, so he's got an uber-EVA too? Rebecca: So they built a new EVA and called it EVA-03? > 2/ Rebuilt Evangelion Unit 03 Rebecca: Oh... My bad. Tsuneo: Rebuilt? It was torn to shreds! EVA-01 grabbed it's entry plug from it's *front,* for crying out loud! The head was a pancake, the torso was off-cuts and the armour was decorating a few nearby mountains! Rebuilt my ass! Rick: It got better. Dan: Maybe Jezebel resurrected it. > Eva-03 has been rebuilt from some of its older pieces and regenerated > from that spot. Tsuneo: Is it just me, or did the typing just take a nose-dive? Rick: Thanks to the miracles of... Spatulas! > Eva-03 now has an improved armor including a blood red > hawk on its chest armor. The black color is now mixed with a little red > on some places on the Eva's thorax, neck, and parts of the face. Dan: Oh, so his EVA's got a custom paint job? Bet you anything it's got leather seats and furry dice as well. > New weapons including the progressive grenades Rick: Progressive... Grenades? Tsuneo: I wonder if he understands what the term "progressive" means in this context. > have been added on the Eva's internal belt. Rebecca: Internal belt? Guess DJ got his modifications after all. > It was created just for battle. Dan: Just like unit 02 and the original unit 03. And presumably 04, 05 and all the way up to 13. > It has a lot in common with Unit-01. Rick: Like what? Rebecca: Well, it's got these neat holsters... > This Eva has been equiped to fight in the sea and lava in > case of emergency, Tsuneo: Oh, right. As if it didn't have enough already. Rick: But wait, there's more! > the pilot can change the equipment from his entry plug. Dan: Does that include the diving suit? > Evangelion Unit 03 also has an S2 organ Tsuneo: Oh, um, where did that one come from? Rebecca: I suppose you could say it was from when it was an angel. Tsuneo: And got its chest torn apart? Rebecca: Touche. > that activates in case the Eva > runs out of power and in that case, only if the pilot's synchronization > goes over 300%. Rick: Of course, you've lost the pilot, but never mind. Tsuneo: Well, yeah. All EVAs are like that. > But its S2 organ is now controlled by Nerv from distance > making the problem of an Eva going berserk theoreticaly impossible except > n case of the pilot's fusion with the Eva, phenomenon caused by 400% sync > ratio. Tsuneo: Aargh. [Tsuneo stands up, walks over to one of the doors, and proceeds to bash his head against it several times.] Rebecca: Can we say "setup," kiddies? Rick & Dan: Setup. Tsuneo: Is it safe yet? Rebecca: No. Tsuneo: Damn. [Tsuneo walks back over to the couch and sits.] > Same for Unit-01. Rick: [Authour] It's kinda central to the story and all, but it doesn't matter, since it's my EVA and all. > Eva-03 is almost as good a unit as Evangelion Unit > 01. The self destruct mode is also controlled by distance in case of the > Eva being possessed by an Angel. Dan: Go on Gendo. You know you want to. Tsuneo: In other words, if the EVA ever gets cut off from central command, it's stuffed worse than any of the others. > 3/ John Baren > Date of Birth : July 4th, 2001 Birthplace : Unknown > Height : 5'11" Weight : 160lbs > Occupation : Eva-04 pilot [They all sigh, depressedly.] Dan: Poor bloody EVA-04. First Lisa, now this kid. Rick: Looks like someone else got screwed on that model. Tsuneo: ... > Not a lot is known about Evangelion Unit 04's new pilot. Rebecca: And you call yourself NERV? Ha! What kind of an omnipotent conspiracy are you, anyway? > What we know is that he used to live in London, England Dan: Oh, god. Tsuneo: Hello, Mr. Door. Rebecca: Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. Tsuneo: I'm gonna make you eat those words. > since he was 3, until he was 9. We > do know that his real mother has died, and that his real father is not known. Rebecca: Crap! It is DJ Croft! Rick: Silicone. > His parents in England were adoptive, and he took the name Baren along. He > moved to Chicago, U.S.A when he was 9 along with his family and has the > American nationality too. Tsuneo: Don't worry, I'm sure medical science can cure that nowadays. > He pilots the Eva-04 Dan: *The* EVA-04? Maybe someone misunderstood that "production type" label. Rick: Maybe it's just more bad typing. > and has done well on the tests > so far, but his progress is very interresting since his sync ratio becomes > better by exactly the same number of points every time. Rebecca: And here's the Jon to Tom's DJ. Rick: I could really use the john about now. > He is a very special > kid, but nethertheless, he is a very good pilot, and we need a lot of Evas > right now to fight against the Invadors. Tsuneo: *Invadors?* I'm going to be charitable and assume that's a typo. > 4/ Evangelion Unit 04 > Eva-04 has finaly been found in the U.S.A. Rick: We found it ditched at a bus stop in Detroit. It'd been stripped and was up on bricks. Dan: And all along, we were looking in Canada. Our bad. > We found it in the same place > it was lost, deep underground. An explanation has been found. Tsuneo: Oh, this should be good. Rebecca: The airline had accidentally re-routed it to Murmansk. > The Eva's S2 > organ activated as he used his AT Field in such a manner that everything > around it in a huge diameter disapeared as the Eva went deep underground > in an unexplained manner. Rick: Oh, well that makes... huh? Tsuneo: So all that stuff they said about a Daroc sea was wrong, huh? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Whoops. We're sorry, our bad. It just looked like one. On reflection, it turned out to be an ink stain. Dan: Well, I'm sure that all the staff at NERV branch 2 will be glad to hear that. > We brought it back to Nerv. It looks exactly the > same as Eva-03's first model in white. Tsuneo: Actually, it's silver... crap! Crap! Crap! Rick: Caught out! Tsuneo: Well... It's a good model! Rick: Sure it is. > Its S2 organ is been worked on the > same way as it has on Eva-03 and Unit-01. It is a very stable unit, Dan: Famous last words. Rebecca: Yeah, it only goes on crazed psychotic killing sprees every three days. > and we had absolutely no problems with it so far. Rick: Is this a report or a used car pitch? Tsuneo: Talk about your bad set-ups. > We know that it looks the same > as Eva-03, but its cells are not the same, as it is not a copy of Unit-03, Rebecca: As you would expect. > which remains one of the most special Eva Units. Dan: [Authour] Just to reinforce the fact that *my* EVA is better than all the rest of yours. > We had to check all of the > Eva a long time to make sure that the event that happened in the U.S. that > lost the Eva wasn't an Angel possession, Tsuneo: Gah... I don't understand it at all! Rick: Man, this is just the intro. > so it was a big risk that we took to bring it back. Dan: Have you put it through quarantine? Have you paid customs duty? I think not. > It remains a good Eva, but would not be qualified as one > of the best's, but one that can be depended on. Rick: This *is* a new car pitch. > Evangelion II > D.E.L.T.A. Invasion > Genesis 0:14 : The 6th Children/A New Threat Rebecca: And now for the actual fic. I thought we'd never get through the intro. > Friday, September 13th 2017... Tsuneo: I suppose if nothing else, this at least means the series will be left intact. Rebecca: Except for the bits that are ret-conned. Tsuneo: Of course. Well, so much for the movies or episodes 25 & 26. > It's been about a year and a half since the angels have been defeated Rick: Knocked out of the World Series by the Cubs. What an embarrassment. > and 17 years since the 2nd Impact, Dan: Weather permitting. Your actual mileage may vary. > and Shinji, Asuka and Rei finally got the > chance to live a normal life. [They all break up laughing, but eventually calm themselves.] > And in the peaceful apartment of Misato Katsurugi, [They all break up laughing again.] > we can hear : Rebecca: Penpen boozing away, DJ trying to sleaze onto Misato, Issei rifling through Shinji's underwear drawer and Akane malleting Lisa into oblivion. Dan: And the singing fleas. Don't forget the singing fleas. Rick: Just a normal morning, huh? > "Wake up, Asuka!!!!!" yelled Shinji. > "No need to yell damnit!! What time is it?" Asuka responded. > "It's 8:00, we better run to school, no time to eat breakfast, now get dressed!!" > answered Shinji. > "You could have told me!!" Asuka yelled. Tsuneo: Hey! This *is* episode 26! Rick: We should be so lucky. Dan: Hey, it means it could all be a dream. > As usual, Shinji and Asuka were still fighting. A few minutes later, Shinji > and Asuka were on their way running to school just like most of the days. Dan: Except today Asuka was still wearing her pyjamas. Tsuneo: Running to school? So the whole city got better, huh? [Pause] All: Floating Island! > "We're gonna be late again, damnit!!!" said Asuka. > "If you could wake up a bit earlier..." Shinji said. > "It's all your fault!!" Asuka screamed. > "My fault? You're the one that always wakes up late!!" Rick: Sorry, girl. He's got you there. > "Oh shut da hell up!!" Dan: Who's writing this dialogue, Steve Austin? > "Is it possible to have a normal conversation with y..." Rebecca: I think that answers that. > Shinji bumped in a six footed man All: Whoah! Dan: Guess who's parents live a little close to the nuclear reactor? Rebecca: He's got a three-eyed fish at home. Rick: [Six footed man.] Well, clothing's real hard to make, but I'm a star at track and field. > on a skateboard. He had black hair tied in a pony tail, dark brown eyes, Rebecca: Oh my... it's.. the man. Rick: Hey! It's Dude! Tsuneo: Spot the self-insertion, folks. Dan: Hang on... it *is* Shawn Michaels! > and was wearing very large jeans Rick: I didn't know flares were back in fashion. > and a T-shirt saying "Rollerbladers Suck!" Dan: At least there's something we can agree with. Rebnecca: Don't you love how avatars are so subtle in expressing their opinions? > "I'm sor..." Shinji started saying. Tsuneo: At least Shinji's in character. > "No need to be sorry, I was in a hurry, don't wanna be late for school." the guy > responded. > The boy hopped on his skateboard and was about to go. > "Wait!!!" Asuka said. > "What?" the guy responded. Rebecca: [Asuka] I wanna kill you first! > "What school are you going to?" Dan: Furinkan high. Tsuneo: Shnonome high Rick: Graviton high. Rebecca: For girls. > "Central High" > "That's where we're going!" Shinji said. Dan: [Man] Don't expect a lift. This skateboard's a one-seater. > "What grade are you in?" Asuka asked. Rick: From the looks of him, maybe the light heavyweights. > "11th grade, you?" > "Us too!" said Asuka in excitement, Tsuneo: Oh no, we're not going to go there already, are we? > "What's your name?" > "Tom Dyron, call me Tom. I'm American." Tsuneo: And we have self-insertion! Rebecca: Who does he think he is, James Bond? > "Cool, my name is Soryu Asuka Langley, call me Asuka." > "And I'm Ikari Shinji, but call me Shinji." Dan: Why are they all introducing themselves like this? Rebecca: Maybe their medication's kicking in. > "Well, nice to meet you Shinji and Asuka, but we better hurry if we don't wanna > be late!!" > "You're right!!!!" said both Shinji and Asuka. Tsuneo: [Asuka] You're always right. I worship the ground you walk on. Dan: Simmer down there. You don't know a thing about him yet. Tsuneo: I'm just saving myself the bother of waiting. > And the three teenagers started running again. Rick: [Tom] Uh, whoops. Forgot I had a skateboard. > They arrived at school just on time for one of the first times. Dan: Oh, come on. I don't see either of them as being habitually late. Rebecca: Maybe it's just accidentally fused with Sailor Moon. Tsuneo: Let's not go there, please? [Pause.] Rick: [Rei] Desperate Marketing Ploy Instrumentality Power! Dan: [Hits him with a cushion.] Don't *ever* do that again! > When they came to class, Asuka and Shinji sat > down and the teacher said : Rebecca: [Teacher] Yes, Second Impact. I recall when it all occurred... Tsuneo: Except in San Fransico. > "Class, today, we have a new student, please welcome, Tom Dyron!" > And Tom walked in : Dan: [Tom as Val Venis] Hello, ladies. > "Hey, my name is Tom Dyron, I'm American and I just moved back to Tokyo-3." > "As you kids know, this school was elementary and middle school before, and > Tom was in this school since he was 6 until he was 12, so he probably was in > this school for longer than most of you. Rick: What's all this got to do with anything? Tsuneo: He's just saying that he';s better than all of them. Dan: He is? I couldn't catch a word of it. > Tom, you may sit next to Asuka." Rebecca: Oh yeah. Real subtle about where this is going. > "O.K." said Tom. > Tom took his seat Dan [Teacher]: Roll Call! Auska? Rebecca: [Asuka] Here! Dan: [Teacher] Tom? Rick: [Tom as Val Venis] Here, ladies. Dan: [Teacher] The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the White Serpent? Rebecca: [Naga] Here! Dan: [Teacher] The really mean John Saxon guy? Rick: [The really mean John Saxon guy] Here! Tsuneo: Ok, we get the picture. > and waited until class was over. Dan: Watch out, kid. You might learn something. Rick: In this class? > At lunch time, a kid gave a sign to Tom Rebecca: Middle finger. Oh, very mature. > telling him to come sit down. Tom walked there and saw Shinji, > the kid that gave him the sign and another one. Tsuneo: Note how he looks at everyone *else* as kids, even though they're all as old as him. > "Hey Tom" said Shinji, "Do you wanna sit down with us?" > "Sure dude!" answered Tom. > "My name is Suzuhara Touji, but call me Touji!" said the kid that had given > the sign. > "And I'm Aida Kensuke, call me Kensuke" said the other kid that was wearing > glasses. Dan: I'm Dan. Call me Dan. Duh. Rebecca: I'm Rebecca Bartley, but you may call me "Her majesty captain Rebecca Bartley the First, heir to the throne of Essex and future queen of the universe." Tsuneo: I'm Tsuneo Tateo, call me "outta here." Rick: And I'm Rick R. Mortis, call me "throwing up all over the floor." > They all sat down and ate lunch, Tom was pretty happy to have made friends > already. When the day was over, Tom was stopped by a group of four kids at > his way out with Shinji, Touji and Kensuke. Tsuneo: I love the way this fic just stops and starts in and out of scenes. I mean, he's in class, suddenly he's at lunch, introducing himself, and then it's the end of the day. Rick: Is this an IRC transcript or something? Dan: No, it's what happens when you try to write after too many Scooby Snacks. Rebecca: Scooby Snacks: the most successful narcotics smuggling racket ever. > "We hate Americans, boy, and we're gonna get you!" said the head of the > four kids. Tsuneo: So what, there's one head between the lot of them? Rick: That nuclear reactor at work again, I presume? Dan: Maybe it's the Job Squad, and that was Head. Rebecca: That would make about as much sense as anything else around here. > "Leave em' all to me!" said Tom as he jumped on one of them Rebecca: [Tom] I love you! > and knocked him out punching him right in the face. Rick: No, he just used his personality. > Tom turned around and kicked a second kid > in the stomach then on the forehead knocking him out in second. Dan: Any second now, he's going to pull off a Stone Cold Stunner. You watch. > One of the > kids ran away but the head took out a switch blade and pointed it at Tom. Tsuneo: [Tom, Australian] That's not a knife... > "Game over, bastard!" Rick: [Hudson] Game over, man! Game over! Rebecca: Don't be stupid. Just insert another dollar. > "I don't think so!" said Tom as he kicked the knife out of the kid's hand > and took out his own switch blade and pointed it at the kid's throat. Tsuneo: [Tom, Australian] *This* is a knife! > "You have 10 seconds to run away!" said Tom. Dan: [Tom as The Cat] Or I while not be held responsible for the consequences! Rick: This is the point that he turns around and the other guy stabs him in the back. > "Never" > "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4..." > "Good bye!!!" yelled the kid as he ran away. Tsuneo: Wow. Real brave. > The whole class of Tom came around him congratulating him about his win. > "How did you do that?" asked Shinji. Dan: I can do that. Tsuneo: Me too. So? > "I kickboxed since I was 12..." All: Of course. Rebecca: bet you anything he's been a world champion at least twice. > When Tom got out of school, a few men in a black suit Rebecca: These guys again? Tsuneo: No. They're all wearing the same suit. Rick: That could be amusing. Dan: Maybe one of them wears the pants, and one wears the top... > stopped him and said : > "Are you Tom Dyron?" > "Yeah, am I arrested? I wasn't the one behind the drug deals in San Francisco, Dan: [Tom] Damn, they got me! Run! > I swe..." > "We're not here for that. Rebecca: [MiB] Just all your other crimes. > Follow us in the car!" Dan: So they're going to take the car, and he's gotta follow them? Man, they are mean. Rick: Well what do you expect? They've only got one suit between them. > "O.K." and Tom followed. Tsuneo: At least he knows to respect the MiBs. Rebecca: No, he just got the competent ones for a change. > The men led Tom to a car and showed him to go inside. Rick: He's sixteen. I think he can do that on his own by now. > "Do you know why you moved back to Japan?" asked a man sitting next to Tom. Tsuneo: Given that he's living on his own, I hope he does. > "Do I have the right to tell you?" answered Tom. Dan: [Cyrus Grissom] Ha, ha, ha. Funny fucker, aren't you? > "We work at the Nerv Rebecca: Not just any old Nerv, *the* Nerv! Tsuneo: At least his spelling's good. The rest can go to hell. > and were asked to bring you at the Nerv HQ." > "Oh, I was brought here 'cause I'm the 6th children Dan: He said it! He said it! Rick: [MiB] Man, you have real problems. Tsuneo: [Tom] Sorry? Which Tom were you just talking to? > and I have been chosen to pilot an Eva, I don't know which one though..." > "Good, I see that you know why you're here." Rick: So what was the point of that whole discussion? Tsuneo: Just to prove how omnipotent he is. > About 20 minutes later, Tom got out of the car and was welcomed by a woman with > purple hair. > "Hi Tom" said the woman. > "Hi Misato, nice to see you again!" said Tom. Rebecca: [Misato] Damn, it's him again. > "So, you were the best on the tests, pretty cool." > "Yup." > "It's nice to have an Eva pilot like you that dares to say something." > "Why? The others don't?" Dan: [Misato] Nah, we all know how reserved and shy Asuka is. > "Not really, have you met the other pilots?" > "I've met Asuka and Shinji, but they don't know I'm an Eva pilot, I haven't met > Rei yet even though I saw her at school." Tsuneo: You don't exactly meet Rei. You more of experience her. Rick: Literally, in Lisa's case. > "Well, tomorrow, you'll be moving in your new place, here's the address." Misato > hands a piece of paper to Tom. Dan: Oh please, no. No more dumb "at home with Misato" sketches. Rick: That place must be pretty cramped by now. Rebecca: Yeah. the fleas and cockroaches are beginning to fight for space. > "Thanks Misato!" > "Guys, tell Rei to come in." Rebecca: At least she's not coming out. Rick: That's right, it's time for Australia's favourite game show, Come On In Rei! Rebecca: And for anyone who gets that... > Misato told to two men dressed all in black. Rei > came in and seemed surprised to see Tom there. Tsuneo: Insert stock gross mis-characterisation of Rei here. Dan: Does anything surprise her? Tsuneo: Only people being nice, the unscripted end of the world and most fanfic plots. > "Hi Rei!"said Tom, "I'm the new Eva pilot." > "You're the 6th children?"asked Rei. > "Yup." Tsuneo: [Tom] All of them! > "Well, you two have a nice conversation, Dan: With Rei? Some hope. Rebecca: Is it just me, or from that line does it sound like Misato's on the Scooby Snacks too? > here's the address to your new apartment Rei." Misato said. Tsuneo: Any reason why Rei's moving? Rebecca: To put them all into a wacky sitcom situation. Rick: Because the Avatar said so. > "Thank you." Responded Rei. > Misato walked out of the room the two were in. > "So, you're the 1st children?"Tom asked. Rebecca: [Rei] No, I'm the first child. Figure it out. Rick: Actually, maybe she does qualify as the first children. [Tsuneo throws a cushion at him.] > "How do you know?" > "Well, I hacked on the Nerv site Tsuneo: Of course. God boy can probably hack his way into the Magi with only an Apple IIe. Rebecca: At least that wasn't on DJ's otherwise awesome resume. Rick: Nerv's Site? What? They've got their own web page where they display info on all their staff or something? Dan: www.nerv.com. However, its full of pop-ups, java scrips, animated .gifs and the like. It takes forever to load. Rick: Wow. They are insidious. > when I learned I was gonna work here, and I saw all the Evas and Eva pilots, Dan: I'll bet you anything that he even hacked into the change room live cam. > except my Eva..." > "Well, I think you should come with me to see Dr. Akagi Ritsuko." Dan: [Ritsuko] Call me Ritsuko. Rick: Um... Wasn't she carted off at the end of the series? Tsuneo: She got better. Rebecca: Shall we? All: Floating island! > "Oh, to have other tests?" > "Yes." > Rei and Tom hopped on escalators and arrived in a room filled with computers, > and in the middle stood a woman with blond hair, a black skirt and a blue blouse. Rick: Dr Biggles-Jones with a haircut! Dan: And just to re-use that joke a little more... > "Hi Tom" said the woman, "I am Dr. Akagi Ritsuko, you may call me Ritsuko." Dan: See? See? Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Actually, you can call me Snuggle Bunny, but that comes later. > "O.K. Ritsuko, I'm here to pass tests?"asked Tom. Tsuneo: No, you're here to be a dickweed. > "Precisely, so are you Rei, you both are gonna have a synchronization test, but > before Tom, I'm going to check your profile, O.K.?" Rick: She hasn't already? Dan: [Tom] Take my left side. It looks better. > "O.K." > "Rei, stay here." Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Here's a gun. If he moves... Tsuneo: [Rei] Tom, come here. > "Yes." > Ritsuko looked at the profile and was pretty impressed. > "Tom, you're the only Eva pilot with a complete profile, Tsuneo: Except Shinjni. Or Asuka. Or Toji, for that matter. > and your story is pretty sad." Rebecca: You're telling us? > "Yeah, I guess you could say that..." Tsuneo: For once, god-boy and I agree. > About thirty minutes later, Ritsuko got up and said : > "O.K. Tom, I don't need to tell you how the test works since you already had > one two months ago, and you got the highest 1st timer score, 107%!" [They all cough loudly, making noises like "Bull****"] Rick: That *is* pretty remarkable for a percentile score. Rebecca: Man, DJ's got nothing on his twerp. He only gets in the mid-seventies on his first time. > "107%?" asked Rei surprised. Tsuneo: [Rei] And you're still here? > "Yes, impressive, so let's test you again, first in a synchronization test, > then in basic weapon training." > "Yes ma'am!" > Ritsuko handed a mallet to Tom. [They all break up laughing.] Dan: What the hell? Rick: Talk about basic weapons training. Tsuneo: Yes, but wouldn't it be better if the *EVA* had one? Dan & Rebecca: Don't go there. > "Inside you'll find your plug suit, your entry card and a watch to tighten the > suit in one press." Rick: All this is in the mallet? Rebecca: How come I get the feeling the author meant to use a different word here? Tsuneo: Like what? Rebecca: Um... Er... Good point. > "Thanks!" > Tom and Rei walked to their test entry plugs. They inspired the LCL All: Huh? Dan: And it promptly wrote a poem. > and got ready. > "So, how does it feel, Tom?"Ritsuko asked. > "Just like last time, a little weird, smells a little like blood, Tsuneo: Everyone notices the blood smell on the first try except Shinji. > but besides that, it's cool!" > Rei and Tom started the test. About twenty minutes later... > "Amazing!"Ritsuko said, "He's at 121% already!" [They all shake their heads.] Rebecca: This is silly. > At the end of the test, Ritsuko told Tom : > "You are incredibly talented! Rebecca: While she was smoking. > Keep up the good work!" Rebecca: [Tom] Again? Aren't you ever satisfied? > "Yes ma'am!" Tom answered. Dan: [Ritsuko] Uh, Tom? Plugsuit. Rick: [Tom] Aack! > Tom and Rei then walked for the next test, weapon training. Tsuneo: Why is Rei doing all this? Rebecca: Just so he can show here up and lead into the romantic interest. > Tom hopped in his > entry plug and started training his movements with the Eva. He started walking, > step by step, going faster then he started running. All: Run, Forrest, run! > "Tom, Rei, for this exercise, you're going to face some of our virtual AT Field > users, Dan: Virtual AT field? Tsuneo: I don't even want to think about this one. > are you ready?" > "Hai."answered Rei and Tom. Tsuneo: Inexplicably shifting into fanboy Japanese too. Rebecca: Now if only this could inexplicably shift into everyday English... > Tom ran to the first AT Field user he saw. The virtual ennemy Rick: I suppose they're going to be fighting against "typical" angels, huh? Dan: There goes a zillion virtual Sachiels, then. > raised an AT Field, Rick: [Hick] Raised it from a puppy, he did. > but so did Tom. The 6th children used his AT to penetrate the enemy's defense, > took out his progressive knife and pierced the enemy's heart. Tsuneo: [Authour] Er, core. I meant core. My bad. > "One gone!!" Tom said. > "Impressive, he already knows the weapons and how to raise an AT, he really > is something!" Dan: Well, he had training. > Tom then jumped on another ennemy and took out a new Eva weapon, the > progressive grenade, and threw it in the enemy's opened mouth. Tom ran next to > the virtual opponent and closed its mouth watching it explode. Rebecca: How extraordinarily cheesy and stupid. Tsuneo: And how many angels have we seen with working mouths to date? Three. > The next ennemy > that Tom annihilated got shot 6 bullets shoved down his throat. Rick: And it choked to death? > Rei was doing fine on her side, Tom and her started doing team work. Dan: They're both in the ring at once? The ref's gonna chuck a fit. Tsuneo: Why? He got unconvincingly clobbered half a minute ago. > Rei covered him with machine gun shots Rebecca: [Tom] OW! Him, not me! > while Tom jumped on the target and used the progressive ax to chop its head off. Rick: That's nice, but you need to work on your backswing a little more. Tsuneo: Oh, and I suppose the axe just appeared out of thin air? Rebecca: Just so long as he doesn't destroy any of them with a giant mallet, I'm fine. > "O.K., that's enough guys, you won!" Ritsuko said. Rick: [Ritsuko] You only kind of butchered everything in sight. Dan: You know, given that angels only appear one at a time and are all different, isn't this simulation just a *bit* pointless? > "Rei, you were at 137%, and Tom, I can't believe it..." > "What? What is my score? Too low?" Tom asked. > "No, it's 145%!!!!" Dan: [Tom] Is that all? Man, I'm slipping! > The day ended on that surprise. Tsuneo: So everyone suddenly fell asleep in the testing chamber? > The next day at school, everything went fine > for Tom. But Shinji was sitting alone next to Kensuke Dan: Cruel and unusual punishment. Rick: For who? > during the break. "Kensuke? I have a problem... Rick: [Kensuke] Which one? Dan: Talk about making it easy for us. > and I can't figure it out." Rebecca: [Shinji] The rabbit comes out of the hole, around the tree... and then what? > "What is it Shinji?" > "I'm in love... every time I see her, I feel all weird, my heart beats like 200 > miles per hour!" Tsuneo: Um, is this Shinji or someone else? > "It's Asuka, isn't it?" Rebecca: No. Shinji, for all his problems, is not a masochist. > "No..." Rick: [Kensuke] Please tell me it's not Issei! > "What? You two live together, you always blush when she yells at you, Dan: No he just cringes and apologises. > and it's not her?" Dan: Uh, Kensuke? How about you listen to what you just said? Rebecca: He's ranting. What does he care? > "No, it's not..." > "Then who?" Rick: As if you couldn't guess. Dan: [Shinji] That new kid, Tom! Rebecca: Gah! Dan: Heh, heh... Got her. > "It's Ayanami..." > "Rei? Ayanami Rei? Dan: No, Rei Hino. Figure it out! > Whoa man, you got the toughest girl to go out with man!" Tsuneo: Since when did Kensuke talk like a sixties beach bum? Rick: Since he ODed on Scooby Snacks. > "I think you're right, but I can't help it, I love her, man..." Tsuneo: He also likes commas, apparently. Dan: Ah, come on. If that little weenie even thought about it, he'd have a nosebleed and pass out. > Shinji came back at Misato's apartment late that day, but when he got there, > he saw five DHL boxes in the new huge room Asuka and he got. In the room, he > saw Tom and Asuka talking. Tom was unpacking his stuff. Rick: That's nice, but where's he going to stay? Dan: [Misato] Sorry Shinji, you've just been evicted. Rebecca: [Misato] No need to worry. Tom's sharing *my* room. > "What the hell is going on here?" asked Shinji. Tsuneo: A very, very bad fanfic. > "Oh, hi Shinji." Asuka said. > "Hey Shinji." Tom responded. > "Could I know what's going on here?" Dan: I was hoping you could tell us. Rick: [Tom] Oh, hi Tom. Hi Asuka. Where's gratitude in people these days? Jeez, I invade their house and suddenly they're rude to me? > "Well, guess why we got a new huge room, Shinji." said Asuka looking at Tom. All: WHAT? Dan: Where the hell did a new room come from in this rat hole? Rebecca: [Misato] Oh, did I forget to mention the renovations? I had the entire apartment re-modelled while you were at school. Rick: Great. Now the fleas have all the room they could ever want. Dan: [Fleas from Joe's Apartment] Hooray, Misato! You're the best! > "Huh, you mean he's moving here?" Shinji asked. All: Naw! Tsuneo: He's just lugged all these boxes in because he's visiting. > "Yup!" Tom answered, "But I ain't the only one, someone else is moving in too." Rick: Jin? Dan: Akane? Rebecca: DJ? Tsuneo: Issei? > "But why?" asked Shinji. > "Are you dumb, Shinji? He's the 6th children, Rick: All in one! Rebecca: Okay, I think we've beat that one to death. And no more fleas, Dan. Dan: Ah, nuts. > an Eva pilot." > "He is? Oh... Tsuneo: [Shinji] Wonderful. Now we've got to put up with Captain Perfect all day. > so, who else is moving in?" Rick: At this rate, probably Lina Inverse. Tsuneo: Rick, don't give them ideas. Please. > "Shinji, you're a stupid one, aren't you? Who else is an Eva pilot?" Asuka > asked mocking Shinji. > "You mean... Rei is moving in?" Rick: All here in the newest trendy sitcom, Misato's Apartment! Tsuneo: Hang on. Am I expected to believe that they thought putting four teenagers of violently different temperments in the same room on a permanent basis is a good thing? Rebecca: Oh, don't worry. This is probably all part of Gendo's master plan. Dan: What getting them all to kill each other? Rick: Rei wins. > "Yup, you got it Shinji." Tom said unpacking a computer, a stereo, a collection > of CDs from the 20th century, a guitar Dan: A retractable ten-foot pole. Rick: Six changes of women's underwear. Tsuneo: The complete works of Joseph DeLaCroix. Rebecca: And the latest mutation of the Sequel-O-Matic. Galvatron: [Over speakers] I wondered where that had gotten to. Voice: The hell? > and some clothes. > "Nice CDs you got Tom, all the Nine Inch Nails, I love NIN!!" told Asuka. Rebecca: Asuka likes Nine Inch Nails? Tsuneo: Actually, that would kinda fit if it wasn't two decades out of date. > "So do I!"said Shinji. All: No. Rick: At least Rei hasn't said she likes them. Tsuneo: Don't go there. > "Hey, Tom, how come you have two Dragons of Doom CDs, I thought there was > only one!" Asuka said in surprise. Rebecca: [Tom] Are you kidding? I get two because I'm special! > "They just released "Hell in Heaven" a week ago." Dan: It's the soundtrack to Hellstorm 2. Rick: Uh, guys? How long has it been since we read that fic? Rebecca: Oh, about a week now- Oh. > explained Tom, "Do you guys know who the singer of DOD is?" Rick: Wierd Al Yankovic. Dan: [Shinji] No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. > "No" said both Shinji and Asuka. > "Then check the name on the cover of "Hatred Through Conformity"." > Asuka and Shinji checked the name and looked at Tom with a look of surprise. > "You are..."mumbled Asuka. RebeccA: [Asuka] My hatred of you increases by the second. Tsuneo: Whoah, there. Let me get this straight. By sixteen, he's a world- champion kick-boxer. Dan: Uh-huh. Tsuneo: Lead guitarist and singer in a band with international popularity. Rick: Yup. Tsuneo: Member of the US air force. Rebecca: 'Fraid so. Tsuneo: And the greatest EVA pilot who ever lived, without having seen any actual combat? Rebecca: Don't think about it. It'll just hurt. Tsuneo: Come back, DJ Croft. All is forgiven. > "He is..."said Shinji having problems breathing. Dan: Tom's ego's gotten so huge, it's smothering Shinji. Rick: Even with the immense amounts of practice they get in fanfics, even the EVA cast can't act thrilled at this point. > "I am the singer and lead guitarist of DOD"concluded Tom. Rebecca: [Tom] And future queen of the universe! Er... I meant king! > Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Shinji went to open Dan: He's taking his clothes off! All: AAH! > and saw Rei. Rick: So she was standing there all the time. Tsuneo: [Rei] Sorry, did I miss my cue? > "Huh, hi Rei!" said Shinji trying not to blush. > "Hey Shinji, hey Asuka, hey Tom." > Rei walked in as the four teenagers talked about how they were going to organize > themselves in the room. Rick: [Asuka] I, the great Asuka, get the entire room. Tom gets the hallway, and I will allow Shinji to sleep on the couch. Rei can sleep outside because she's a smelly skank. Dan: Rick, she's a year and a half older now, you know. Rick: So? Do you expect her to be mature or something? > Misato wasn't home that day. Rebecca: Bet you anything she got lost in the carpark again. > The children went to sleep. Tsuneo: Hey, the scene just suddenly stopped again. I guess the author just ran out of creativity. Rick: No, that happened a long time ago. Dan: No, the focus of the attention had gone away from Tom, so he cut it. > The next day, there was no school, Dan: Which was really odd, since it was Tuesday. > they all woke up around 10:30 A.M. Rick: Shinji had already gotten up, cleaned the entire apartment and gone back to sleep. > Misato was back home and told them all : Dan: [Misato] Go away, we don't want you anymore. > "The four of you, there's something important I gotta tell you." Rick: [Misato] Has anyone seen Penpen? And what was in that stew last night? It was delicious! > "What is it?" Asuka asked. Tsuneo: A crappy fanfic, but that's not important right now. > "Well, you all were asked to stay here together Dan: [Misato] Because NERV's too cheap to spring for a hotel room. >'cause a new specimen with an AT Field has been detected by satelite, Rick: It's Ramamamamamamamamamamamam... [Pauses for breath] Amamamamama! > and your mission is gonna be to "welcome" it, Rebecca: [Misato] Take it's coat, offer it a drink, make it feel at home, that kinda stuff. > 'cause it's heading towards Tokyo-3, it's gonna impact tomorrow." Rick: [Misato] It was going to impact earlier, but they sent it UPS. > "Can I ask a question?" Tom asked. Rebecca: [Misato] No! BANG! And he seemed so promising. > "Sure." Misato answered. Rick: [Tom] Can I go to the bathroom? Dan: [Tom] What's your bra size? Rebecca: [Tom] What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Tsuneo: [Misato] No. Classified. African or European? > "Well, what Eva am I gonna pilot?" Rick: [Misato] Didn't you read the stupid intros at the top of the file? > "Oh, they didn't tell you?" > "Nope." Dan: Ah, NERV. As efficient as ever. Tsuneo: So what was he training in yesterday? Rick: The MegaZord. > "You're gonna pilot the rebuilt Eva 03, All: Resident Evangelion! > you know why it was rebuilt." Rebecca: Because the author needed a super-EVA for his avatar. > "Destroyed by the Eva 01's dummy plug when the Eva 03 was possessed by an angel." > "How do you know?" asked Misato. > "I hacked on the Nerv's site when I heard I was gonna work here." Tsuneo: [Misato] Well, now that you've confessed to theft of classified information, we're going to lock you up and throw away the key. Dan: [Tom] Wait, no, wait! It wasn't me! It was... Pepe the talking Chiuaua! Yeah. > "Oh, I see."Misato said, "You guys gotta know that Tom made a 107% on his 1st > ever synchro test..." Tsuneo: [Misato] Since he hasn't proclaimed his own brilliance in the last five minutes, I thought I'd do it for him. > "107%!!!!!!????"yelled Shinji and Asuka. Rebecca: [Tom] Yeah. Pretty abysmal, isn't it? > "Yes, and he made 145% on the one he had last night..." Rei said, "I had the test > with him, he was hella impressive." Rick: So Rei's suddenly become a valley girl? Dan: No way. Nothing impresses Rei. > "Wait a sec, I might sound dumb, but what do those % mean?" Dan: It's a Picasso smiley face. Rebecca: Um... Who's talking here? Tsuneo: It doesn't matter, as long as it lets god-boy show his brilliance some more. > "Well," Misato started, "the % of synchronisation determins how well you control > the Eva, if you have 100%, you can do anything with the Eva that you can do in > real life, Rebecca: [Misato] Not that! WHACK! Naughty boy. Dan: EVA hand action! > at 200%, you can do 2 times better, at 280%, a normal person can do > anything with the Eva, Tsuneo: This is such rubbish. Rick: [Misato] At 373%, everything tastes like chicken. > at 400%, your body and soul become one with the Eva and > the chances of getting you back are very low." Rebecca: Any higher than that, and you turn into an axolotl. > "So basicly, try not to hit 400%..." said Tom. Dan: Gee, yeah, they have that problem every day of the wwek. > "Right." Finished Misato. > The telephone rang. Misato answered. Rick: [Lurch] You rang? Dan: Stuff happened. It was cool. > "Hello?" > "Hey Misato, it's Ritsuko." Rebecca: [Misato] Oh, hiya honeybuns. > "Oh, hi, what's new?" Dan: [Ritsuko] Uberkid dominating the set, mysterious creature heading straight for us, religious imagery, certain doom... You know, same old same old. > "Well, the specimen that's coming to Tokyo-3 will impact tomorrow around 1:30 > P.M. Dan: Unless the train's late. > so the children have to be at Nerv HQ at 11 :30 to have a synchronization > test, get their briefing Rick: Have lunch. > etc..." Tsuneo: Hang on here. They know it's coming, they obviously want to destroy it, so why not intercept it on the way down? They've got a whole day, so why don't they just pull the positron cannon out of storage and point it up? Dan: Are you kidding? That wouldn't give god-boy a chance to show off. Rebecca: And why is it that they seem to have sync tests every five minutes around here? > "O.K. I'll warn them." Dan [Robot from Lost in Space]: Warning! Warning! Aliens approaching! > "O.K. Bye." Rebecca [Misato]: See ya, cuddlebunny. > "Bye." > Misato hang up. > Same time, Rick: Same channel. > Nerv HQ. Tsuneo: Not Glasgow. Rebecca: Or Worchester-3. > "Commander Ikari, the angels have bee annihilated, what could this be?" > Professore Fuyutski asked. Dan: If it's a Demon, I'm out of here. > "I don't know, Rebecca: Not so omnipotent now, is he? Rick: Wouldn't the Dead Sea Scrolls be able to tell them what's coming? Tsuneo: Nah. Accurate prophesies of events to come are way overrated. > but personaly, I think it's another threat, maybe not as bad as > the angels, but still a threat." > "Since it's going to impact Tokyo-3, we have to put the city underground." Tsuneo: Pardon me, but wouldn't they have done that when it was first detected? > "Right." Rebecca: This dialogue is so amazing. > Next day, Nerv HQ, 11:30 A.M. Rick: Ding! 11:31 AM. > The children arrive at Nerv HQ with Misato. Tsuneo: Her car must be getting awfully cramped. Rick: [Misato] Asuka, stop playing corners! Tom, keep your hands off the radio. No, Shinji, we are not "there" yet. And if Rei keeps staring at me like that, I'm turning this car around and heading straight back home! Dan: [Rei] But we're still in the garage. > They come in the room where Ritsuko awaits. Dan: [Ritsuko] Took your sweet time. > "Children, get ready for the synchronization test." Said Ritsuko. Rick: Someone remind me, why are they having another sync test? Rebecca: Because god-boy hasn't proven how wonderful he is in the last five minutes. > "Hai!"responded the children. > They all hopped in their entry plug. Tsuneo: All in one? Talk about cramped? Dan: [Shinji] Hey Tom, get your elbow out of my ear! > About fifteen minutes later. > "Misato, look at the scores." told Ritsuko. Dan: [Misato] Well, if you didn't hog the sports pages... > "Oh my god, Tom is good! He has 147%! He is already second. Shinji has 168%, > Asuka has 124% and Rei 132%. Rick: [Asuka] You dare surpass the great Asuka's amazing sync rate? TOGG! > But Tom is amazing for a beginner." All: Of course. > An hour later, 12:45. Tsuneo: Meaning that it took absolutely no time to change into their plugsuits, get into or out of the test plugs, get their results... Rebecca: Alright, already. > The Children are done with their tests. > "O.K. Children, get ready. The specimen is going to hit downtown, two miles > ahead from where you are going to start. Dan: So why not position them nearer the impact site? > Your job, Rebecca: Should you choose to accept it. > wait for it to impact, if it attacks, destroy it, Rick: We come in peace. Shoot to kill! > if not, stay around it and watch all its movements, got it?" > "Hai!" > The Children all got their plug suit put on Tsuneo: All in one plugsuit now? Dan: So what were they wearing in the sync test, their bathers? > and got in their entry plug except > Tom that took a good look at his Eva first. The rebuilt Eva 03 looked like the old > one with a better armor, All: Of course. > shoulder plates Rick: So all of a sudden it's turned into a Gridiron Football player? > and a red hawk on the chest. Tsuneo: How come he's got a personalised symbol on it if he hasn't even seen it yet? Rebecca: Because the author said so. > Tom hopped in his entry plug right after. It's 1:15. Rick: Time for the news. Rebecca: And it's now fifteen minutes to the big green thing. Rick: Bonus points for anyone who gets that. > "City underground started." Tsuneo: English mangled is! Dan: Since when did Yoda work for Nerv? Rebecca: [Misato] Try to maintain synchronisation! Rick: [Yoda] No, no try. Do or do not, there is no try. > All the city's buildings went underground. 1:20, Rebecca: We would like to interrupt this fanfic to annoy you. > Evas are launched. The Evas 00, All: Huh? Rick: Well, maybe it got better too. Dan: Floating island? Rebecca: Floating island. > 01, 02 and 03 run to the Impact place. It's 1:25. Rebecca: We interrupt this fanfic again just to annoy you and provide work for one of our announcers. > "Children, get ready for impact!" Misato ordered. Dan: Let's get rrready to rrrumble! > "Hai!" > 5 minutes later, a huge fireball hits the ground near the Evas Rick: Aah! It's Ghidora! > and makes a crater of about 15 meters of diameter. Dan: What kinda wussy impact is that, anyway? > A green building high creature gets up. It has red eyes, All: [Zombies] Pink eye! > long brown legs pierced with holes, Rebecca: When body piercing goes too far. > a long spiky tail and hands with three fingers. Rick: It's a mutant ninja turtle. > Its head has four horns, one on the forehead, one on top of the > head and one on each side. > "What da fuck is dat?" asked Tom in surprise. Tsuneo: Well, it looks like taxidermy gone bad. > "I don't know," answered Misato, "but be careful!" Dan: It's in a mean mood! > Suddenly, the MAGI beeped three times as Shigeru yelled : Rick: Pizza's ready! > "What da??" Tsuneo: My thoughts exactly. > "What? We detected a blood pattern???" yelled Ritsuko. > "Yes, red blood pattern!!" yelled Maya. > "The same as a human? How can it be??" asked Misato. > "The same as a human's or any living thing on earth!" Dan: Except for insects or plants or unoxygenated blood or... > said Ritsuko as MAGI beeped again. Rick: What does that beep mean? Rebecca: It's the warning to say they've only got five minutes of episode left. > "What now?" asked Ritsuko. Dan: Form a conga line! > "The target is mainly a blood pattern, Tsuneo: Must've hit the ground harder than we thought. Rick: Eew. They'll be cleaning that up for weeks. > but we detected some blue, Dan: [Aoba] A hint of green and a tiny touch of yellow. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] So what is it? Dan: [Aoba] It's either a colorised movie or a Jackson Pollock painting. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Kill it now! > blood pattern detected as purple!" said Shigeru. > "What tha?" responded Ritsuko in surprise. Tsuneo: That's what I'd like to no, actually. > The creature put his hand up in front of unit 02 and a yellow light appeared on > it. Rebecca: Oh look, it's Gavil. > The creature fired and knocked Unit 02 down ten yards away. Rick: Only ten yards? What a wuss. Dan: [Shinji] Should we attack it now? Rebecca: [Rei] Why? It's only Asuka. > "Raise an AT Field Children and attack!" yelled Misato. > They all raised AT Fields but the creature jumped on Rei, used his own AT to > penetrate Rei's defense, Dan: IfyaknowwhatImean! > used its tail to pick up Rei's Eva, and threw her away. Tsuneo: Thus preventing her from doing anything useful What a surprise. Rick: [Rei] How come I never get to kick butt in any of these fight scenes? > Shinji and Tom jumped on the creature and combined their Ats to destroy the > monster's field. Tom grabbed the monster by the throat Rick: Chokeslam! > and its tail. The unit 03 > went on full power and had 1:00 of power left. Dan: So what happened to their power cords? Rick: Asuka yanked them while they weren't looking, the joker. > Eva 03 used all its strenght and ripped the monster's tail off and threw it away. Rebecca: Wow. That did a lot. > Tom then put more pressure on the > neck to make the monster open its mouth. Dan: Open wide! > The rebuilt Eva took out a progressive > grenade and shoved it down the creature's throat. Tom then forced the monster > to close his mouth as he took a few steps back. Tsuneo: Oh, come *on!* That is such a lame move. Plus I'd like to see him hold its mouth shut while stepping away from it. Dan: It's EVA-03! It's got extender-arms. Tsuneo: Dan, don't make me hurt you. > The alien's stomach exploded Rick: Guess who ate at Taco Bell? > and it fell on the floor. Rei and Asuka got back up. Rebecca: What about Shinji? What was he doing? Tsuneo: Nothing. What did you expect? > 0:20 seconds left of power for > Tom. Suddenly the creature grew back its tail Dan: That's nice, but what about its stomach? Rick: [Alien] Wait a sec, my guts are still leaking. Urrrk... CRASH! > and got back up and jumps on Tom. > "Be careful, it's gonna self detsruct!!!" yelled Misato. Rebecca: And you know this because? Rick: How do you know it isn't just being friendly? > "Not in my scenario!" responded Tom. All: Ha. Ha ha ha. > Eva 03 used its AT Field full blast to throw the monster away and blow it up!!! All: WA-TAK! Tsuneo: Oh, wonderful. He's turning into Lisa now. > "Nice job, Tom!" congratulated Shinji. > "Incredible!" Asuka said. > "This monster has a lot in common with an Angel, but it's not." noticed Rei. Rick: So it's like an angel, but it's not. That was as concise as ever. Tsuneo: Okay, in precisely *what* way was it like an angel? Dan: It had an AT field. Tsuneo: And? Dan: It tried to kill Rei. > "Shinji, you were at 210% synchro, but the most incredible thing was that Tom was > at 210% too! You and Tom were in perfect coordination Shinji!" Rebecca: Wow! Imagine what it would be if Shinji was *doing* something. > "Well Tom, we make a great team!" said Shinji. Rebecca: IfyouknowwhatImean! > "Yup," said Tom, "but eject my entry plug cuz I got no more power!" Dan: [Shinji] Let's leave him there! It's kinda fun, actually. > "Too bad the monster's body was all blown up, we won't be able to analyse it!" > said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: What about the tail he ripped off. Isn't that any use? > "Don't worry, I have a feeling this one isn't the only one of this kind that's > gonna come to get us!" said Tom. Rick: Foreshadowing! Don't you love it? Don't you miss it? Dan: Ah man, this is gonna turn into a weekly series. > "He has a good point..." said Misato. > "You're right, we'll see later anyways!" Rebecca: Next time on Delta Invasion! > Misato's apartment, 11:00 P.M. Rick: Lunch time. > "I fried his ass, Dan: [Tom] And served it with a side-order of chips. > whoohoo!!" said Tom making a little dance. > "Yup, you got him bad Tom!" Shinji Rebecca: Badass mode. > said, "Let's celebrate for Tom's first win on his first mission!" > "Hell yeah!!" said Misato. Rick: When did Steve Austin get here? Dan: Yeah, the fics on about that level of goofiness. [Steve Austin] Hell son, I just stopped by to congratulate you on the ass-whupping you gave that alien monster. Have a damn beer. Rick: [Tom as Cartman] Why thank you, Stone Cold Steve Austin. > "Tom, what do you drink?" > "Beer if you got some!" Tom answered. > "Well, you're a lucky one!" Misato said, "Beer is my favorite drink!" > "Mine too!" responded Tom. Rebecca: [Shaky] That is scary. Tsuneo: [Shaky] Yeah. At least in Neon Exodus she has qualms about giving a kid beer to drink. For five seconds, anyway. > "Let's put on some music and party!" Tsuneo: And it's really lucky that they all have exactly the same taste in music as the author. > Tom put on the last CD of DOD "Hell in Heaven" and took his guitar. Dan: But if he tries to control his EVA with it, I'm leaving. > "Misato, did you know I'm the singer of Dragons of Doom?" Rick: [Tom] I'm also the WWF's heavyweight champion, an Olympic gold medal triathlete, the best darn cook you've ever seen and have my own fringe religion. How cool am I? Rebecca: Yes, but do you have a penguin that can count? > "Yeah, Asuka told me!" Misato answered. Rick: Betcha anything she's a really big fan of Dorks of Doom too. > "Cool." said Tom. > Tom started getting crazy on the guitar and he sang along the music. All: AAH! Kareoke! > Misato and Asuka started dancing. > "Come on Rei and Shinji, dance!" > "We don't know how!" answered Shinji. Tsuneo: That's never stopped anyone. Rebecca: Give him a beer and he'll be fine. > "Bullshit, anybody can dance!" Tom answered. > "If you say so..." responded Rei. Dan: [Rei] I have no free will. I have been assimilated. > And Shinji started dancing taking Rei along with him. Rick: You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better than that! > "That's better!" yelled Tom. "Whoohoo!!" > Tom played the guitar as he watched the others dance. Then suddenly, he noticed > something. He noticed how beautiful Asuka looked Dan: Oh gods, no! Rebecca: He must be pissed. Tsuneo: I suppose I should be thankful it's not Rei. > and couldn't take his eyes off > her. Looking at her, he started playing even better. Rick: Not that it's hard or anything. Rebecca: If it's a heavy metal band, that'd just ruin the "music." > Shinji couldn't help starring at Rei all along. Tsuneo: Forget it, forget it, forget I was even born. > Misato was dancing when the phone rang suddenly. Dan: It was the deaf neighbour complaining about the noise. > Misato answered. > "Hello?" Rick: [Unicron] I'm going to eat your planet! BWAHAHAHA! Click. Dan: [Shinji] Who was it? Rick: [Misato] Jehovah's witness. Tsuneo: ... > "Hello, Misato? It's Kaji." > "Kaji? I thought they had killed you!!" Dan: [Misato] I thought I killed you! Rick: [Kaji] Luckily, your aim's terrible. > "No, I'm alive. All: Floating Island! > Do you wanna come over tonight?" Rebecca: [Kaji] This isn't a trap. > "Where?" > "The Sunshine Hotel, room 978, ok?" Rebecca: [Kaji] I'm a major security risk you know, but it's still not a trap. > "Got it, I'll be there soon." > Misato hang up happy as hell. > "Kids, I'm going out, I'll be back tomorrow, see ya." Rebecca: [Kaji] I mysteriously survived death at your own hands and have been missing for the last year and a half, but it's still not a trap. > "O.K. see ya tomorrow Misato!" Tom answered as Misato left. Rebecca: Okay, but if her corpse turns up face-down in the river, she's got no- one to blame but herself. > Tom continued playing music for twenty more minutes. > "Guys, I just remembered, it's 11:30 and tomorrow we have school!" said Tom. Rick: Ding! 11:20, you dolt. > "Who cares?" said Asuka. "You did a hell of a battle, we're all skipping school > tomorrow!" Dan: Asuka Langley Soryu, juvenile delinquent. > "I don't mind!" answered Tom. > And they all went to sleep about an hour later. Tom was having a nightmare. Tsuneo: So he's been reading the fic too? > "No, not the "Big One", mom, NO!!!!!!!! All: O_o Rebecca: Take that how you will. > Mom, don't leave me, don't die! No!!!! Tsuneo: Is this Tom or Asuka's nightmare? I can't remember. > I don't wanna leave mom and Joe, dad. Why did they have to die?" Dan: To set up the lame plot. Rebecca: [Asuka] Do you mind? You're disturbing the great Asuka's sleep! > Tom suddenly woke up and > looked out the window and said "Tomorrow's another day..." and he went back to sleep. Rick: Actually, it's tomorrow already. > End of Genesis 0:14 [The TV switches off.] Dan: Ouch. Rick: Pain. Rebecca: Hurt. Tsuneo: Wstfgl. Rebecca: So... I assume you want our reviews now, huh? Voice: Actually, no. Rick: Oh, no. Dan: This is bad? Rick: He only does this when he's got more than one chapter. Dan: What? I've been good! I haven't destroyed the TV in... a while. Rebecca: No more Tom Dyron, please! Tsuneo: Come on... Let's get out of here. [They file out. The screen goes blank.] Voice: Floating Island? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Hello, Misato? It's Kaji." > "Kaji? I thought they had killed you!!"