Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 79 brings us back to Delta invasion (!) to face the big question: Now that planet DELTA's been destroyed, what's left for the next three chapters? Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II Delta is copyright Tom Dyron (Gee. Who'd have guessed?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] Voice: They're late. [The door opens, and Rick, Dan Tsuneo and Rebecca enter. Each of them is carrying a piece of paper.] Rebecca: Morning voice. Voice: Huh? Dan: Good to not see you today. Voice: Uh-oh... Rick: How's things in disembodied voice land? Voice: What's got you so cheery all of a sudden? Tsuneo: Well, after having to endure chapter nine of Delta Invasion, we decided, in honor of the poor departed planet DELTA itself, to write the last four chapters of the fic. Voice: how did you do that? Rebecca: Simple. Rick came up with a random Delta Invasion chapter generator and we each gave it a run through. Dan: Do you want to hear them? Voice: Do I get a choice? Rick: No. Voice: Didn't think so. [Rick reads off his piece of paper] Rick: Let's see... "At Misato's apartment, Tom and his homies are throwing monkeys at the wall. John, Charles and Charles discuss the past and the price of eggs in China. Meanwhile, at NERV, Aoba and Hyuga are discussing the latest Cubs game. Tom and the gang go out to win self-determination for the south Moldavian people when suddenly the Invador Alert sounds! Pi Invadors will arrive in a Volkswagen Kombi van so the Children arrive in thre minutes, fifty-two seconds. Nerv deploys no EVAs. Tom immediately seeks out the most powerful Invador which has the body of Rosanne, the head of a 12 year old fanfic authour, the arms of Lex Luger, the legs of a Metalunan Mutant and long green tentacles that sting. The Invador attacks Tom with its Huge Phallic Weapon of Doom [TM]. Tom is almost defeated but then he farts and destroys the Invador by sending it to another dimension. Then he goes and rescues Auska. After the battle, the kids go to the mosh pit where they discuss how hard the battle was and lower property values. At NERV, Ritsuko discovers that Soylent Green is made out of people. Tune in next week, when John is special!" Voice: Throwing monkeys at the wall? Rick: First thing I could think of. Voice: Rrrright. Rick: Anyway, that's chapter ten out of the way. Dan, if you would? Dan: Mine's way cooler. Here goes! "At Misato's apartment, Tom and his homies are hitting each other over the head. John, Charles and their brother, Prunella discuss the past and why they never get to do anything. Meanwhile, at NERV, Maya and Kaji are discussing interest rates, or so they claim. Tom and the gang go out to knock off rival gangers when suddenly the Invador Alert sounds! No less than twelve Invadors will arrive in fifteen years so the Children arrive in the Floating Island. Nerv deploys six EVAs. Tom immediately seeks out the most powerful Invador which has the body of an eagle, the head of an Ewok, the arms of a scorpion, the legs of a table and the charisma of Bob Dole. The Invador attacks Tom with its walking stick. Tom is almost defeated but then he pulls out a plot contrivance and destroys the Invador by singing at it. Then he goes and rescues Auska. After the battle, the kids eat pie where they discuss how hard the battle was and why Shinji has turned green. At NERV, Ritsuko discovers that the budget has run out. Next week: Exactly the same." Voice: What does an Invador do with the charisma of Bob Dole? Dan: Don't ask me. Rebecca: About as much as Bob Dole does, I guess. Voice: So which one's chapter twelve? Tsuneo: Rebecca's got that covered. Rebecca: Mine's odd, to say the least. "At Misato's apartment, Tom and his homies are beating each other with folded metal chairs. John, Charles and Harold Holt discuss the past and Ritsuko's taste in underwear. Meanwhile, at NERV, Pen-Pen and Tom's Uncle are discussing where all the snacks get to. Tom and the gang go out to paint the town red when suddenly the Invador Alert sounds! Almost two Invadors will arrive in the next ice age so the Children arrive in ten hours. Nerv deploys five- Three sir! EVAs. Tom immediately seeks out the most powerful Invador which has the body of The Nightbird, the head of Abraham Lincon, the arms of Cyclonus, the legs of Optimal Optimus and the Green Lantern's finger. The Invador attacks Tom with its rotate blade. Tom is almost defeated but then he checks the hint book and destroys the Invador by modulating the supbspace harmonics of the main deflector array. Then he goes and rescues Auska. After the battle, the kids ride the teacup ride at Disneyland where they discuss how hard the battle was and where Tom's trousers have gotten to. At NERV, Ritsuko discovers that Tankor has the spark of Rhinox. To be cancelled!" Voice: That's nice, but what's with that Invador? Rebecca: It's Abebird. It comes from a fanfic. Voice: Seriously? Rebecca: Yep. But I've already read it, so tough luck. Voice: Damn. I guess Tsuneo gets to finish the series then. Dan: Yep. Here goes. Tsuneo: I have to confess that mine is kind of normal by comparison. "At Misato's apartment, Tom and his homies are veging out. John, Charles and thirty random assorted siblings discuss the past and how time flies when you're bored. Meanwhile, at NERV, Gendo and anyone except Fuyutski are discussing where the plot went. Tom and the gang go out to blow up another planet when suddenly the Invador Alert sounds! Negative three Invadors will arrive in two seconds so the Children arrive in half a day. Nerv deploys one EVAs. Tom immediately seeks out the most powerful Invador which has the body of a bull, the head of an anvil, the arms of an octopus, the legs of a spider and the script in its hand. The Invador attacks Tom with its Atomic Black Matter ray. Tom is almost defeated but then he shouts a stupid catchphrase and destroys the Invador by treating it like dirt. Then he goes and rescues Auska. After the battle, the kids destroy the city where they discuss how hard the battle was and how neat their lobotomies are. At NERV, Ritsuko discovers that Invadors are recycled Gamera monsters. Next week: There is NO next week." Voice: That's... nice. And you said Rick programmed this? Rick: Yep! Voice: Actually, that explains a lot. Rebecca: So what's our fic for today, Abebird? Vocie: To answer in the same fashion, throwing monkeys at the wall. Rebecca: I figured as much. [They sit - Rick and Rebecca facing the TV, and Dan and Tsuneo on the sideways couch. Dan and Rebecca a closest on the corners.] > Genesis 0:23 : The Sudden Attack/When SEELE comes up... > March 21st, 2018... > Misato's apartment... Dan: Misato's pad, 2018. > The Children were sitting on the couch. Tom was drinking a beer and the others > were taking a sip out of their sodas. They were watching "Wrestlemania 34". Rick: Amazing! It's actually the right number. Rebecca: Vinnie Mac's back! He survived Second Impact and he's pissed! > It > was now the main event, the actual champion, Annhilator was taking on 2017's > King of the Ring, Dragon! Rick: Wouldn't he also be 2018's Royal Rumble winner? Dan: The fact has relevance, so it isn't mentioned. > Annihilator was 6'11" and weighed 335lbs and Dragon > was 6'7" 1/2 and weighed 264lbs. Rick: Meanwhile, on WCW: Hogan vs Flair. > "Kick his ass, Dragon!" said Tom, "The finishing moved in the No Holds Barred > Championship is the copy of Dragon's, the Devastation Flame!" Dan: In other words, he just confessed that he has no originality. Rebecca: So what, does everyone in the No Holds Barred Championship have to use that move? Tsuneo: What amazes me is that it happened in an earlier chapter and they're making reference to it. > "I hope Dragon wins!" said Shinji. > "He has good chances!" said Asuka. Dan: Does that actually mean anything? > "It will be really tough..." said Rei. Rick: [Shinji] You know the outcome is predetermined. Dan: [Tom] It is? Rebecca: He's going into Wrestlemania as the babyface. Of course he'll win. > The fight went on Rick: So which one of these saps do you reckon is carrying the match? Rebecca: Probably the announcers. > as Dragon got the champion on the top rope after 43 minutes of fighting. Dan: Sounds as interesting as a Hogan match, to be honest. Rick: Wait, he's setting him up for the top rope thingamibob! > "And the Devastation Flame is coming!" yelled Tom as Dragon powerslammed > Annihilator from the top rope doing a back flip on a chair. Tsuneo: Nope, I don't get it at all. > The referee went down Rebecca: That doesn't bear thinking about. > and counted the pin. 1,2, Dan: Wait for it... Rick: Isn't it about this time that Annhialator's witless minions should be running in and attacking the ref? > 3!!! > "A NEW CHAMPION, HELL YEAH!!!" yelled Tom. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Could you do that again? I can still hear a bit out of this ear. > "He made it!" said Shinji in excitement. Dan: Well whoop-de-shit. > "Oh fuck yeah, I've been waitin' for dat dumb ass to die for a long goddamn > time!" said Tom. > Same time at Nerv HQ... Tsuneo: Something relevant was happening. > Ritsuko and Misato were drinking coffee. Rebecca: Do they do anything else around here? Rick: Do sync tests? > "Ritsuko, didn't you notice that all the Children had changed?" asked Misato. Dan: [Ritsuko] Yeah, their underwear was really beginning to stink the place up. Rebecca: I'm surprised she could tell. > "Well, in what way do you mean?" Rick: [Misato] Well, how they're now glowing green. And how Asuka picks up cars and crushes them with her bare hands. Tsuneo: And then there's that ridiculous pleated miniskirt and leather jacket Rei gets around in. > "Since Tom came, they all have been more true to each other..." > "Yeah, you're right. It's really incredible what one can do!" Dan: Only if you're Tom. Rick: You can do anything if only you believe in yourself! [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] Thanks. I deserved that. > "Shinji and Rei express their feelings better, Asuka doesn't bother Shinji > anymore, Rebecca: She hasn't killed him in weeks. > it's a really great change!" > "I know, it is really cool, isn't it?" Tsuneo: Yes, it's so wonderful that they've been robbed of all traces of individuality. Rick: I just can't accept that Ritsuko would say "cool." > "Yeah, they all made a family, Rick: A dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless. > they're so much closer to each other now!" > "I really love that." > "INVADOR ALERT INVADOR ALERT INVADOR ALERT!" > "What da?" said Misato in surprise. Tsuneo: An Invador attack? That's not so surprising. Dan: I thought they blew up their home planet. Tsuneo: And? Rebecca: No, what's surprising is Misato saying "What da?" > Ritsuko started analysing what was happening and suddenly looked all pale. Dan: I guess the Rei look is really in this season. > She looked at Misato straight in the eyes and said : Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Must... have brains... Rick: I don't know why she's staring at Misato then. > "They came from a different road than the others, Tsuneo: They took the turnoff at I-95 and came through the suburbs. > I know they didn't come from another planet but..." Dan: How about another dimension? [Dan and Rick cackle maniacally] Rebecca: They should never have been allowed to watch DBZ. > "What?" > "It means that they saw that we would annihilate them, so they sent those flying > Invadors so that some of them could escape, some of them that went probably died > in the explosion but some of them did make it, five of them are coming." Tsuneo: I love how she leaps to conclusions in this fic. Rick: Does this mean they'll have to use John? > "Holy shit!" Rebecca: This is what happens when you use strong language around impressionable minds. Dan: Are you saying the EVA kids are impressionable? Rebecca: No, Misato is. > Misato called up the Children and explained what was happening. John came with > his brother fifteen minutes later. Twenty minutes later the others arrived. Dan: So what, does John have to stand around for five minutes before he gets to do anything? Tsuneo: And what's Charles doing here? Why was he let into the command center? Rebecca: He probably wears disturbingly tight shorts. That gives him top level security clearance. > "The five of them are going to impact in a circle. You have thirty minutes > before they arrive. It's simple, each of you takes one!" said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: Well, there's five EVAs and five Invadors. How long did that take you? Rick: Or you could gang up on them and take them out one at a time. Your choice. > "I'm finaly going to see a real Eva fight!" said Charles. Rick: [Gendo] Who let a civilian in here? Lock him up. Dan: [Charles] Shouldn't have opened my big mouth. > The Children got in their plug suits and entered their entry plugs. Rebecca: Shouldn't they change somewhere else? > LCL fulling. Dan: Fulling, the new team sport. Rick: No, it just means their system was designed in New Zealand. > The city went undergroud as the Children got on the impacting zone. Rebecca: So they're going to stand here and wait for the Invadors to land on them? > They had fifteen minutes left. Rick: Damn Invadors, they're never on time. > "Those Invadors won't stop, and this fight will be hella dangerous, Dan: Of course, they could just be the wimpy jobber Invadors they fought around DELTA. > so to all of you, it was nice knowin' ya all!" said Tom. All: No it wasn't. > "Don't say that, Tom!" said Asuka. Rebecca: [Asuka] I hated knowing you! > "Don't worry, we'll survive!" said Shinji. > "Yeah, he's right." said John. Dan: [Tom] Shut up! You're not meant to get lines! > "Let's hope so." added Rei. Tsuneo: [Rei] I serve no purpose other than to reinforce what other characters are saying. > The five monsters impactect sooner than it was previewed. Rick: Typical Invadors. They're either late or so early you miss them. > Tom took on an Invador that had a blue muscular body, a meaningless face Dan: A meaningless face? What does that mean? Tsuneo: Nothing. It's meaningless. Dan: Oh, of course- Huh? > with a mouth full of sharp teeth Rebecca: No, it was full of sharp metal objects. Of course it was full of teeth! > and orange eyes. It was about fifty times bigger than Tom though. Rick: So is that fifty times bigger than Tom, or fifty times bigger than Tom's EVA? It is important, you know. Dan: I'll assume Tom himself. Otherwise it's just too ridiculous. > Shinji > took on a flying one that had long dark black wings, a small round head with > five violet eyes and a long kind of circular body with two long legs with three > sharp fingers. Rick: Wait, are the fingers on its legs or what? > John took on one that was standing on four three fingered legs > and a brown body of a lion. His face looked like the one of a human with more > beasty expressions and his back jaw was much longer than the top one with > incredibly long teeth. Rebecca: Back jaw? Top jaw? As far as I can tell, its mouth is permanently stuck open at a ninety degree angle. > Asuka took on one that had the face of an iguana with a > totaly round body and short legs and arms. Dan: That would look quite funny if it wasn't so pathetic. > Rei fought the last one that totaly > looked like a human with three heads and longer legs and larger dark yellow body > with three bright green eyes. Tsuneo: So it doesn't look like a human at all, does it? Dan: Well, apart from all that. > On Tom's side... > Tom ran to the monster and jumped high and got to the stomach and punched [They all snigger] Rick: Yeah, that's going to do a lot. Rebecca: What if it's just eaten something it didn't agree with? Tsuneo: What, like Tokyo tower? > but > the monster didn't seem to feel anything. Tom jumped back and took out the rifle > and started shooting as the bullets bounced off like little rocks. Dan: Why not just use the clearly omnipotent "nuclear based cannon?" Rebecca: Because they have to sign them out first. Dan: Okay, why no the Blade of Souls? Are they going to do anything with that thing? Rick: Well they would, but a huge armoured German knight, a big purple guy, a humanoid lizard and a pale woman in a bondage outfit ran off with it. Tsuneo: Besides, that was three chapters ago. It's been long since forgotten. > The Invador grabbed Tom in his hand and started crushing his Eva. Rick: Okay, so maybe it is fifty times bigger than his EVA. Tsuneo: If the stupid thing's three kilometers tall, why aren't they all ganging up on it? > Tom screamed as loud as he could as he felt his body in horrible pain. Dan: [Mustafah] I am in considerable pain here. Could someone please call me an ambulance. > "FUCK YOU BITCH!!!" Rebecca: [Invador] You're not my type! > yelled Tom as he broke one arm free, took out the > progressive knife and chopped off one of the monster's fingers. Tsuneo: [Tom] So what if he's fifty times bigger than me? I can take him! A bit at a time, that is. Rick: [Tom] You watch it, you pansy! Next time it's your big toe! > The Invador suddenly let go and screamed All: Wuss! > as he tried to step on Eva-03. Dan: Squishing a couple of city blocks in the process. > Tom ran and grabbed a progressive ax and slashed the monster's legs. Dan: You'll be here all day. Rick: [Tom] That does it! Next, I'll bite your kneecaps off! > It started bleeding but the > weapons didn't have enough effect as Tom hoped. The monster threw a lightning > from its eyes All: [Singing] They'll zap you with their death ray eyes, and blow you up real good! > and pierced Tom's left shoulder making the arm fall off. Rebecca: [Tom] That? That's just a scratch. > Tom > yelled and threw a grenade at its face but it barely burnt it. Then Tom got an > idea. Tsuneo: Let me guess. You're going to throw it off the top rope onto a chair. Rick: Why do you say that? Tsuneo: I'm hoping that whole Wrestlemania scene was just a bad setup. > "You're going down mothafucka!!!" he yelled. Rick: And while he was busy posing, it stepped on him. The end. Dan: Maybe it would help if you chopped his tail off. > Tom made signs to the monster meaning "come get some". > The monster tried to grab > Tom who jumped on top of the hand, and jumped inside the monster's mouth. Unit > 03 made the monster swallow it. Dan: Great plan. Really good plan. Rick: How do you make something swallow you anyway? Rebecca: Don't you know? His EVA has a smooth, easy to swallow coating. Rick: What, like those space capsules? Tsuneo: He's just lucky that Invador doesn't chew its food. > "Tom tries anything to win!" says Misato. Rebecca: [Misato] This is not a good one, though. > Tom went inside the monster's stomach as he looked around. Dan: [Tom] It's kinda wet in here. Rick: [Tom] So that's where Jimmy Hoffa got to. Tsuneo: All the while, his EVA was being dissolved by digestive juices. > He put all his > grenades, seven, all around and powered up his AT Field. Tom expanded his AT > Field and made all the grenades explode in the same time as the AT expanded more > and hit the monster's sides in the same time as the grenades' explosions. Dan: Huh? Tsuneo: Translation: Stuff blew up. Dan: Oh. > The > monster's whole body blew up in pieces as Tom claimed the win and came out and > fell w/the Eva. Rick: Of course, now you're going to have to clean that up. Rebecca: Ladies and gentlemen, the official goofiest fight scene in all of fanfiction! > On Asuka's side... > The monster jumped on Asuka face first and bit her neck. Rick: The hickey from hell. > Asuka screamed and > grabbed it by the head and crushed it against her knee. Dan: The Invador died. Next! > The monster's nose was bleeding Rebecca: So it's got a crushed head and it's still going? Tsuneo: Maybe this one doesn't keep its brain in its head. Dan: So where does it keep it. Rebecca: You don't want to know. > as he made a huge tornado under Asuka as Eva-02 got taken into the air. Rick: Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a lame Jan De Bont movie! If that isn't redundant. > The Eva's armor was starting to break as Asuka threw her progressive knife and > hit the monster in the stomach. Dan: That's an incredibly good shot, especially considering you're caught in a tornado at the time and those things aren't weighted for throwing. > The tornado ceised as the monster yelled. Rebecca: Did any of you just see a Kansas farm house go by? > Asuka > hit the floor hard. Her ombilical wire had been cut off and she had one minute > of power left. Dan: Shouldn't she have five minutes of power left? Rick: Yeah, but someone at Nerv forgot to pay the bill. Tsuneo: What's amazing is that this is Delta and she was deployed with her umbilical cable attached. > She took the progressive lance and ran to the monster who made > its arms longer and chopped off one of Asuka's legs Dan: Well that worked. Rebecca: [Asuka] Okay, what am I meant to do now? Someone throw me a bone here. > who fell to the ground and couldn't get back up. > "Fuckin' freak!" yelled Asuka as the monster jumped on her. Rick: Getting a little fresh, aren't we? > Unit-02 plunged the > lance in the monster's mouth and hanged it in the air. Dan: This is the all indigestion special of Delta Invasion. > 10 seconds of power left as Asuka put more pressure on the lance. Rebecca: So she's gripping it tighter. Big deal. > Asuka let go of the lance when no more power was left. The monster pulled it out Tsuneo: That has to hurt, folks. > and started walking near Asuka losing > a lot of blood. It prepared to bite the Eva's head off when it fell down, dead. Rick: [Invador] This is so embarrassing. > Its wounds and loss of blood ended its life. Tsuneo: They often do. > On John's side... Dan: Nothing happened. Sorry for wasting your time. > The monster jumped on Eva-04 claws first and got caught by the throat and thrown > on the floor. Rebecca: I guess the Invadors were watching Wrestlemania too. Rick: Yeah, didn't you notice? They had the ultimate Kane/X-Pac showdown part 438. > The monster jumped back and bit John on the chest as he yelled. Dan: Nipple cripple! Rebecca: What? Dan: Can I demonstrate? Rebecca: No! > The Eva's blood started flooding as John took out his progressive knife and > waited for the monster's next attack. The Invador ran to John and tried to chop > off his head with its claw but its hand was chopped off by John's knife. Tsuneo: That went about as well as can be expected. Rick: Are they breeding those Invadors for extra stupidity today? > The > monster screamed and John jumped on it knife down and hit its lower back because > the monster moved up. Dan: "Moved up?" Did it stand up, or float, or what? Rebecca: What's going on? This doesn't make any sense. Not that that's unusual in any way > It screamed as it stood up on two feet bodyback dropping > John who fell hard on the floor. Rick: I can never get how to do those move reversals. Dan: You've just got to whack the "X" button repeatedly. Tsuneo: How about the ground. Or street, maybe. Floors only happen indoors. > The beast came back on attack and jumped on > John who caught it and threw it on the floor holding it with its left foot. Tsuneo: So John's EVA has prehensile toes? > John > then stepped on its head so hard it got all crushed and pieces of the brain > sprayed all over. Rebecca: Wonderful, now it's EVA of the North Star. > On Rei's side... > Eva-00 had the shotgun in hand Dan: I didn't know they made an EVA shotgun. Rick: Well they do now. Rebecca: They figured after a few million games of Doom, why ever the hell not? > and started shooting at the monster's chest but > the AT Field stopped it. Rebecca: [Rei] Oh yeah. Forgot about that. > The beast spit a ball of slime at Rei's face and > blinded her as she held her eyes. Tsuneo: That would be eye, singular. You've forgotten which EVA this is. > The monster ran to her and started pounding her face. Dan: So it's got her at its mercy, and all it can do is punch her EVA a few times? How lame is this guy? > She kicked the monster away and got back her vision. Rick: I was blind, but now I can see! All: A miracle! > The Invador came back on attack and knocked Ayanami down. Rebecca: She spends a lot of her time flat on her back in this fic. > One of its head started biting Rei's > neck as another one was headbutting her face. Dan: Wow, it's a triple-barreled headbanger. > The other one was spitting the > balls of slime all over Rei's torso and totaly paralysed her Eva. Rick: [Rei] Eew, monster boogers. > It started > pounding on her face and chest as Rei was screaming. The monster bit her whole > chest armor off Rebecca: Revealing the soft, creamy filling. Tsuneo: That's some pretty impressive dental work, head number three. Dan: Hey look, Rei's getting topless. > and started pounding on the uncovered chest. Rei kicked it and > stood up as the monster started running towards Rei at full speed. Rei realized > an electric pole was behind her and went down and used both her legs to propulse > the Invador on the electric wires. The monster got totaly electrified as it hit > the floor and all its heads fell off. Dan: Pretty lousy construction on these Invadors. Rick: What do you know, it wasn't properly earthed. > On Shinji's side... > The beast flew toward Eva-01 and knocked it down with its wings. It then started > breathing purple beams that hit Shinji's stomach and pierced it. Dan: It's a funky, psychedelic Invador. Rick: These guys are almost lame enough to be in a Monstrous Compendium annual. Rebecca: Watch it, They Sue Regularly might hear you. > The 3rd Children Tsuneo: All of them? What, are they cloning Shinji too now? > screamed in pain and fell to the ground as the Invador came back in > attack and used its back legs to kick Shinji in the face. Dan: How many legs does this one have anyway? Rebecca: An indeterminate number, somewhere between not enough and far too many. > The monster flew and > cut off the ombilical wire. Shinji was on full power and one minute of power was > left as the monster came behind Shinji and pounded him. Eva-01 took out the > progressive knife and pierced one of the monster's wings Tsuneo: Even though it was behind him? Dan: Trick shot! > forcing it to stay on the floor. Tsuneo: Ground. Get it right for once. > Shinji started pounding its face as hard as he could and plunged the > knife in the beast's stomach but it survived as no more power was left for poor > Shinji. Rebecca: Okay, Shin-boy, now what? Rick: I hear screaming in agony is nice this time of year. Tsuneo: Oh, it's easy. EVA-01 uses its S2 engine and keeps fighting. Dan: You mean the one it never uses? Tsuneo: [Bitter] Yeah, that one. > "Oh no!!!" screamed Shinji in horror as the monster came back up and started > headbutting Shinji's chest. Rick: Are all these Invadors headbangers today? Dan: Yeah! See over there? One of them's wearing a skirt. > It threw a beam at it and pierced four of Shinji's plate armors. > "Please, move, move god damnit!!!! I need to win this fight, please, move!!!!!!" > yelled Shinji as the monster continued attacking. Tsuneo: Don't worry about it. Tom'll just come to bail you out and make you look pathetic. Rebecca: [Shinji] I don't need Tom for that, I can look pathetic on my own! > Suddenly the Eva reactivated and Shinji was in full control for the first time. Dan: Oh, that S2 engine. > "That's it you son of a bitch!!!" screamed Shinji as he grabbed the monster and > threw it away. The Eva-01 regenrated as Shinji grabbed the new flamethrower. Rick: In other words, he's just randomly making up new EVA weapons. Tsuneo: Let's see, a shotgun and a flamethrower. What else for maximum collateral damage? Rebecca: Barbecued Invador, anyone? > "Fire it up!!!" yelled Shinji as he set the monster's face on fire. He then went > downward and started burning the whole body as the monster went to ashes. > Back at Nerv HQ... Rick: [Misato] That does it, you kids are on clean-up detail. > "That was a hell of a fight!" said Tom. Dan: [Tom] I got to be eaten! It rocked! > "It was very scary..." said Shinji. Rebecca: Not all the yellow liquid they flushed out of his plug was LCL. > "I agree!" added Asuka. > "We could have died!" said Rei. Rick: [Rei] Not that it's a problem for me. > "She's right!!!" finaly said John. Tsuneo: It speaks! Rick: [John] Okay, I've said a line. Can I go now? > "You guys are no fun, that battle kicked ass!!" said Tom as he though again that > he was totaly psycho to actualy think this. Dan: He's got a point. How often do you get to be eaten by an alien monster and brag about it? Rebecca: And can > Same time at Ritsuko's apartment... > John and his brother were sitting in front of the TV Tsuneo: Wait a sec, isn't he at Nerv HQ? Rick: John's duplicated himself! I told you he was special. Dan: Wasn't Charles there as well? Rick: No, that was Charles. Rebecca: Besides, the fight was so boring he went home early. > while Ritsuko was still at Nerv HQ... > "Damn, I feel tired as hell!" said John. Rick: But wasn't part of being special that he never gets tired? Tsuneo: It's the Delta Invasion "past chapter" rule. > "It's normal, I've seen your fight!" said Charles. "But the ones I noticed the > most were Shinji and Tom!" > "In what way did ya notice 'em?" asked Charles. Dan: Now Charles is talking to himself. Rick: No, I think that might be Charles III. Rebecca: [Charles] Well, they're both pretty hot. > "The way Tom dares to win the battle, he would have done anything Rebecca: [Charles, hopeful] Anything? > and the way > Shinji knows how to fight, the way he knows how to kill the enemy." answered > Charles. Tsuneo: The way he thinks cartoon fight scenes are realistic. Rick: [John] Am I doing anything here, or is it just going to be those two chatting? > "You're right, and Tom and Shinji are the best pilots at Nerv, I saw it on the > synchro tests results, they're really high!" Rick: They smoke a lot of dope. > said John. > An hour later at Misato's apartment, 9:45 P.M. Tsuneo: Just to clarify, that last scene was only there to tell wthe world how good Tom is again! Rebecca: And to keep up our quota of new Charles. > The Children were sitting down at the table eating dinner while Misato was with > Ritsuko at Nerv HQ. Rebecca: The both of them were helping Gendo with his work. Rick: He must have a large workload. Rebecca: He would with those two working with him. > "This battle was hella tough!" said Tom, "But the truth is, those fights are > kinda fun for me, but they're starting to scare the shit outta me!" Rick [Asuka]: How scared were you? Dan [Tom]: Like I said, I had the- Rick [Asuka]: It doesn't matter how scared you were! > "That proves you're human!" said Shinji. Dan: Or something close to it. > "They are getting tougher and tougher and that scares me bad..." said Asuka Tsueno: But on the other hand, you've blown up their home planet, so there's probably not too many of them left. Those might have been the last ones, even. Rebecca: No, that wouldn't justify three more chapters of this dross. > "It's true, this last fight almost destroyed the Evas." said Rei. Rick: And it left one of them smelling pretty damned bad to boot. > The conversation ended as they went to sleep tired from their terrible battle. Rick: Snooze! Tsuneo: Okay, we've had the obligatory Invador battle, the drinking and the swearing, so what's left of the chapter? > SEELE's committee... Rebecca: SOCOG? Tsuneo: And one for our Australian fans out there... > "The Nerv has gone too far!!" said Chairmen Keele. Rick [Keele]: I mean, bright green with purple?! What were they thinking? > "They can't continue winning like this, we must do something!" Dan: Didn't we have eight EVAs ready about two years ago? Rick: [Keele] Shush. Dan: But couldn't we use- Rick: [Keele] Sssh. Dan: I was just- Rick: [Keele] Shush! And there's a whole bag of shush with your name on it still to come. > "You're right, we will get them!!!" yelled Chairmen Keele. Dan: So why don't we do something? [Pause] You know instead of just sitting around here, talking about it? Rick: [Keele] What, you want to be the daddy now, huh? Dan: No, I was just- Rick: [Keele] You want to wear the daddy pants? Dan: I was just saying- Rick: [Keele] Do you want to cry? Huh? You gonna cry now, huh? How does that feel, you going to cry? > "But it was a mistake that we tried to get in control of Angels..." Dan: I just said we should have gone for a fifty-one percent share. Rick: [Keele] Do you mind? I make all the decisions around here. I demand a little fricking respect! > "Tabris had warned us, but we didn't listen!" > "And he kept his promise, he wiped out half our army, asshole Tabris... It will be > harder to definitely get them!" said Chairmen Keele. Tsuneo: He has no idea what he's talking about, does he? Rick: [Keele] Do you mind not interrupting me? Tsuneo: Look, he's just writing- Rick: [Keele] Zip it! Tsuneo: It's obvious- Rick: [Keele] Zip! Zip it! Tsuneo: But- Rick: [Keele] www.ZIPIT.com! > "Not talking about Ikari daring to destroy Lilith!" > "And Adam..." > "And taking the almighty Blade of Souls..." Dan: So why didn't we get that thing for ourselves? We knew about it all along. Rick: [Keele] Do you want me to press the button? > "And him possessing project AH!" > "Oh yes, the project Angel/Human, they have him now!" Rick: And he's special. Dan: It's not like you did anything to stop them. Rick: [Keele] that's it, it's the button for you. Dan: Aaaggghhh! > "We don't have time to wait for Justice, Rebecca: Do you know how backed up the federal courts are anyway? > Ikari and Nerv must pay now!!! Ikari > tried to prevent the 3rd Impact and betrayed us, but he knows we can still > complete it, Ikari is gone!!!" yelled Chairmen Keele. Dan: Hello? I have fallen down a hole, and I am quite badly hurt. Can someone help me out of here? Rick: [Makes gunshot noise] Dan: Ah! My eye! I have been shot in the eye! But... I'm okay. I'm still alive, but in considerable pain. Can someone help me out here? > The next day, during a synchro test, the ground started shaking in the room. > "Dr. Akagi! The two first levels of defense have been destroyed!!" said Maya. Tsuneo: So much for that early warning system. Rick: [Hyuga] That's Aoba's fault. Dan: [Aoba] It is not! It's Hyuga's fault. Rick: [Hyuga] Was not! > "What da?" said Ritsuko as the ground started shaking again. Dan: [Kaji] Not me, I'm on my break. > The action was put > on screen as they saw SEELE soldiers putting grenades everywhere and detonating > them. Rebecca: Oh. Wow. They're destroying Nerv with grenades. Ooh, scary. > "Oh no, SEELE attacks us! They broke the 3rd level of defense!" said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] What does the scenario say about this? Rebecca: [Gendo] It says "hide under the desk and shoot whoever decided to rip off End of Evangelion." > "We have to react!!!" yelled Misato, Dan: Nah, let's sit here and die? > "and the Evas won't help us!" Rick: Really? Suddenly strawberry jam comes to mind. > "We will defend ourselves, all Nerv officers, strike back! We can't let them > penetrate the geofront!" ordered Commander Ikari. Tsuneo: Don't worry, it's just going to take a few billion grenades. > "SEELE wants to destroy us once and for all!" said Pr. Fuyutsuki. Rebecca: And the 2018 award for statement of the blatantly obvious goes to... Kozo Fuyutski! Dan: [Fuyutski] Thank you. Thank you. It's my only line. Thank you. > The synchro test was stopped as the Children were taken out to be put out of > danger. Rick: Like say, in their EVAs? > As they went in the elevator, it was stopped at the 4th level of defense and opened. Tsuneo: Wouldn't going the other way be smarter? You know, away from the fight? > As the doors opened, Misato took out her 35mm All: Whoah! Rick: So what, she's taking photos? > and pointed it at the > opening as they saw two SEELE officers that got shot on the forehead by Misato. Dan: Rick, that's no camera. > The elevator had been put out of order as Nerv and SEELE officers were shooting > each other. Rebecca: Not actually doing anything, just randomly firing. > Ritsuko took out their Nerv 35mm. Rebecca: The only things that come at that caliber are autocannons. > Charles took out his silencer Tsuneo: He's got a silencer! Dan: All hail the omnipotent silencer! > and said : "We'll have to make our way out!" Rick: Say, what's Charles doing here, and why's he got a big gun anyway? > "You damn right!" said Tom as he took the semi-automatic rifle the SEELE soldier > had Tsuneo: Any reason why they were deployed with hunting rifles? Rebecca: Seele's budget cutbacks are getting to them. > and loaded it Tsuneo: Okay, so why are they deployed with unloaded hunting rifles? Rebecca: The budget cutbacks are *really* hurting. > putting it on. They passed the weapons to everyone. Shinji had a 2006 semi-shotgun, Dan: Semi-shotgun? Rick: Yeah, he only gets half a gun. Rebecca: [Shinji] The story of my life. > Asuka had a 9mm and so did Rei. Rebecca: Sexist bollocks! How come they get mere normal guns when everyone else gets supposedly cool-sounding nonsense? Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare give the great Asuka only a pathetic little handgun? BLAM! > John took another 35mm. Tsuneo: Not that he'll get to do anything with it. Rick: Hey, is the gun special? just wondering. Dan: Those soldiers were loaded! Rebecca: Yeah, they'd been hanging around the weapon respawn points. > They rushed out of the elevator as Charles said : > "We have to split if we wanna survive! Tsuneo: [Charles] Remember, there's safety in numbers so we'll split up! Hang on... > Misato, Tom, Rei, Asuka and Shinji one > one side and Ritsuko, John and I on the other!" Rebecca: Hang on, who put Charles in command here anyway? What is he, a fricking green beret? Rick: No, I think he's meant to be a computer programmer. Dan: Was that before or after he sang at the Sydney Opera House? Tsuneo: Depends on where this Charles grew up. > Tom led the group as they walked down the hall and found out the 5th level of > defense had been pierced. The 6th Children climbed down the ladder to the 5th > level and shot the first SEELE soldier he saw in the back of the head. Dan: [Deep] Head shot. > "We ain't makin' our way out without protecting the HQ!!!" said Tom as the > others climbed down. The five of them started shooting all the SEELE soldiers Dan: [Tom] Eat hot lead, everything in the vicinity! Tsuneo: Amazing how none of them seem to have any qualms about killing. > that didn't really notice them because they were busy with the Nerv officers. Rick: And just didn't see that ladder behind them, or hear all the shooting and shouting. Rebecca: Tactical awareness is vastly overrated anyway. > Suddenly, someone pointed a gun behind Tom's neck and said : > "Don't move or I kill him! Drop your weapons!!!" said the man that happened to > be a SEELE special force soldier. Dan: He didn't seem to notice the other four or so gun-happy maniacs following Tom around, did he? > Tom suddenly smiled and said : > "Nice knowin' ya all, guys!!!" as the officer fell after three sounds of fire. Tsuneo: But nothing actually happening. Just some idiot with a sound effects machine. > Kaji appeared from behind the SEELE soldier and said : Rick [Kaji]: It's a tough moral dillema: Save the world, or have my coffee break. > "I still can use those god damn things!" > "We better get goin' before they penetrate another level of defense!" said > Misato as they saw that soldiers were preparing charges of TNT to break the > level as Tom ran to one of them and punched him out. Tsuneo: And assaulted the other with a lethal run-on sentence. > Shinji followed and shot > one of them on the chest as Tom shot another one on the forehead. Rebecca: So Tom's punching and shooting at the same time? Rick: Oh sure he can do it, just with a minus two penalty. > The Nerv officers were taking advantage on the SEELE soldiers Rebecca: I thought the invaders traditionally did all the raping and pillaging. Rick: Thanks for that, Rebecca. > as the TNT charges > exploded. A hole formed in the middle of the level and Tom and Shinji fell. Tom > grabbed the edge and grabbed Shinji by the right arm. > "Shinji, each level is fuckin' 80 feet high, we better not fall!" said Tom. Dan: That's a really long ladder you guys came down. > "You're right, we better not!!!" yelled Shinji Tsuneo: [Shinji] I just realised that not plunging to my death is a good idea. > as Tom pulled him back up. Tom > pulled himself up and got helped by the others to get back up. SEELE soldiers > were penetrating the 6th level of defense and were getting decimated as Tom > grabbed an automatic Sniper 2015. Rick: Wow. Tom's so cool that he can kill people just by grabbing a gun. Rebecca: Automatic sniper rifle? Isn't that an oxymoron? > He saw a tank rolling down the other level. Tsuneo: Okay, now this is stupid. Dan: How did that thing get in here? Rick: Simple, it entered via the car park. > It > was ready to shoot down. Tom pointed the dot at the tank's engine and said : "Go > to hell, you bastard!!!!" The 6th Children shot and watched the tank's engine > explode. Rebecca: Nope, absolutely not. There is no way possible that a sniper rifle could penetrate tank armour. > Soon, the tank fell in the hole. Rick: So much for that tank. Of course, if there's any Nerv soldiers down there, they're kind of in trouble. > "Shoots up to 8 bullets a shot, laser dot, perfect!!" said Tom as he pointed it > down and saw a special officer walk down. Dan: Waht, John's changed sides? > Tom pointed the laser at the guy's forehead and yelled : > "Heads up, muthafucka!!!" as the officer turned around. Tom saw a young man. Tsuneo: Does that have anything to do with the "special officer?" Rebecca: No, Tom just happened to notice him. Rick: I think the young man is meant to be the special officer... Or something like that. > "Hello, Tom Dyron, and Ikari Shinji!" said the man as Shinji and Tom looked > down. They climbed down Dan: Any reason why you didn't just blow him away on the spot? It's not like he's shown any previous regard for human life. Rebecca: Tom probably thought he was cute. > and the guy started walking towards an helicopter that came to retreat. > "My name is Matt Yazama, and I'm goin' outta here. Rick: [Matt] I'm not actually doing anything here in the first place, but I'm leaving anyway. > You guys will meet me some other day, but I am the same as you!" Dan: What, badly written? Tsuneo: No, he's just saying he's an offensive, domineering psychotic, that's all. > "How do you know our names?" asked Shinji. Rick: [Matt] They're on your uniforms. Dan: [Shinji] Oh yeah. > "Everyone knows you guys' names, especialy me, Rebecca: [Matt] Well I just proved it, didn't I? > and I will beat one of you one > day, but not like this!" answered Matt as he took off in the helicopter. Tsuneo: Well that was thoroughly pointless. Dan: How'd the helicopter get in there anyway? > Suddenly, Tom heard a loud noise and saw Shinji fall to the ground with blood > dripping down his right arm. Tom turned around and fell down after another sound > of shot. The bullet had hit the far side of the edge of his face. Tsuneo: [Slowly] It grazed his cheek. Rebecca: Wonderful, now Tom's going to have a trendy scar. > He and Shinji were still breathing Tsuneo: Well, obviously, since they were both just nicked... > as seven soldiers came down to the same level. Rick: Can even the incredible Tom Dyron overcome seven to one odds? Shinji doesn't count, since he's jsut a little wiener. > On John's side, they were doing good and made their ways out of the building and > so did Misato, Rei, Kaji and Asuka. > Back to Shinji and Tom... Dan: Um... Was there any reason for the sudden cut? > Tom and Shinji got up and saw the soldiers in front of them pointing guns at > them. Rebecca: Oddly enough, they were NERV soldiers... Dan [Badly dubbed]: Don't shoot! I'm a human! > Tom reached in his right pocket and held something tight in his hand. Rebecca: Tom, this is neither the time or the place. > "Hands up!!!" ordered one of the soldiers as Shinji and Tom did as ordered. > "We're doomed!!!" yelled Shinji. Rick: Wuss. Tsuneo: Don't worry. I'm sure Tom will contrive a way to save them. > "There's only one thing left to do!!" said Tom as he showed the grenade in his > hand Tsuneo: Oh come on! He couldn't have hidden a grenade in his hand if he'd had it up! Dan: Say, is there any reason why Tom keeps a grenade in his pocket? Rebecca: Usually he shoves it down his pants to impress the ladies with. > and threw it at the seven soldiers. > "RUN SHINJI!!!" yelled Tom as they both ran and jumped to the ground Tsuneo: So we've got ground inside and floor outside. Get it right. > as the > grenade exploded. Tom saw that four of the soldiers were dead as Shinji and > himself shot one of them that was getting back up killing him. Dan: [Soldier] Maybe that wasn't such a good move after all... > The 3rd and 6th Children couldn't use one of their arms. Rick: So they couldn't use one of thier arms each or between them? > One of the two soldiers jumped on > Shinji and knocked him down pointing the gun at his face. Shinji quickly shot > him in the stomach then in the face. Rebecca: Even though the soldier was on top of him? Rick: Ssh. > Tom ran to the other one and dodged a buller Tsuneo: Dodged a bullet? Shyah, right. Rick: No, it was a buller. Obviously that makes all the difference. Tsuneo: Fine. What's a buller? Rick: Don't ask me. > as he kicked the soldier's gun out of his hand and grabbed it. Dan: Their reaction time is atrocious. > He then > knocked the SEELE officer down, shot him in both legs and arms. He then took out > the sniper and shot eight times at the soldier's head close range as it > exploded. Rick: John Woo's Delta Invasion. > Both Shinji and Tom got out of the building fast and met the others. > They got healed and got back home. Dan: Just suddenly got healed? What, did they find the big keg o' health +100? Rebecca: This is not AD&D. There are no human clerics just wandering around distributing free healing. > Suddenly, the phone rang and Tom ran to get it. Tsuneo: All this in the same paragraph as their daring escape and bloody massacre of enemy soldiers. So much for pacing. Dan: Hang on, is the fighting still going on? Rick: [Ritsuko] Hey there Tom. Just calling to say we're doing fine here at the command center. There's a pile of corpses blocking the entrance and the fighting's calmed down to only a small-scale war. How are you? > "Hello?" > "It's Ritsuko." answered Dr. Akagi as she explained that the SEELE HQ was found > below the cave where Tom had been captured by Invadors. Dan: Oh look, it was there all along. Tsuneo: So why didn't Gendo tell anyone this, since he goes there on a regular basis? Rebecca: [Gendo] Must've slipped my mind. > The attack was planned for the next week. Rick: Weather permitting. Dan: They had a tiny problem of having run out of troops during the invasion. > A week later, all Nerv forces were mobilised in front of the cave and NN bombs > were launched. The whole cave crumbled discovering a huge building going to 50 > miles below the ground and over 25 miles large. Tsuneo: Twenty-five miles "large?" is that wide, or tall, or what? Dan: So they've got a geo-front too? Rebecca: Why stop there? Why not just N2 the place into oblivion? > All troops were sent in as the Children's Evas broke an entrance for the soldiers. > Inside... > Charles, John's brother, was leading the troops with Misato. Rick: What's with Charles? Is he some kind of commando or something? Dan: Charles Barren, commando programmer. Tsuneo: I hate to break his bubble, but Misato is not a ground forces commander. Heck, she isn't even a soldier. > The soldiers found > first SEELE scientists that tried to attack them as Charles shot him on the > forehead. Tsuneo: So... Hold on, let me get this straight... Charles shot a scientist in the head... As... I can't make any sense of it. > As the whole army walked in accompanied by tanks walked in more, a > bunch of soldiers walked up a grenade in each of their hands. All: Huh? Rick: If any of this is making any sense to anyone, could they please e-mail us at this address and tell us what is going on. > "I don't think so!!!" yelled Charles Tsuneo: Watch Charles destroy an entire army with a single shot. > as he shot one of the soldier's hands. The > bullet made the grenade the soldier was holding explode wiping out most of the > soldiers around. Tsuneo: I was joking. Rick: Forget John! His often-duplicated scenic brother is doing more than he is! Dan: And this is just his holiday. Imagine what he does for a living. > Misato and her soldiers rushed shooting all the soldiers down. > They started running through the SEELE's buildings until they arrived in the > Council's room. They saw all the members except Chairmen Keele. The massacre > started as all members were shot down one by one. Tsuneo: Um, arrest? Interrogation? Stand trial for crimes against humanity? Never mind... Rick: There's no justice like mob justice. There's no justice in mob justice. > Misato came up to the seat > where Chairmen Keele was supposed to be seating and found papers. Dan: [Reading] Gone out, back in five. He's a slick one. > She read and saw the name "Dead Sea Scrolls" written on them. > "Those are mine!" said Misato as she took them. Rebecca: Recieved key item "Dead Sea Scrolls." Dan: Doesn't Gendo have a copy? Rick: Yeah, but he never lets anyone read them. > Suddenly, Charles rushed in > another room to see the Evas 05-13 being activated. Dan: Well, what now? Tsuneo: I guess it's time for a goofy fight scene. > "Let's run!!!" yelled Charles as all the troops started going off in choppers. > The whole place blew up as 9 Evas looking the same came up. Evas-00, 01, 02, 03 > and 04 went in battle position as a huge golden Eva came up. It had three eyes, > one mouth, two horns going forward from its chest. Its body was about the same > as all other Evas. Rebecca: Hey, I wonder if the Inane Jo is piloting any of them. > "Hello, Tom and Shinji!" heard the Children from the Eva. "This is the Eva-14, > the Golden Eva!" Dan: Well whoop-de-shit. Tsuneo: And if there had been any build-up to this, it might mean something. > "Matt?" said Tom in surprise. Rebecca: [Matt] I told you I was like you, but did you listen? No! > "Yes, no time for the small talk, I'm here to take on Shinji or you, so decide > who will fight me!!!" Rebecca: Ah, excuse me! There's two perfectly capable female pilots there as well! How about letting one of them kick your sexist ass? Rick: And what about John? He's special, you know. Dan: Well John can just go be special somewhere else. > "Let's play Jan-Ken-Pon, Shinji, to see who wins!!" said Tom. > "Right!" said Shinji as they both did rock three times, then both cisers, then > both paper. Tsuneo: And while they were mucking around, the ten hostile EVAs descended upon them and tore them limb from limb. The end. > Tom then did cisers again beating Shinji's paper. Dan: How do you do "cisers" anyway? Rick: And can you run with them? > "Haha, I'm taking him on!!!" said Tom, Tsuneo: [Shinji] Okay, you get killed by the boss monster while we dispose of the witless minions. See if I care. > "Matt, let's fight inside Tokyo-3!!!" Rebecca: [Tom] That way we can do more damage. Dan: [Misato] And we just fixed the place up from the last fight. > "O.K.!!!" answered Matt, "Evas-05-13, take care of the others!!!!" > Tom and Matt ran off to the city. > On the Shinji's side. Tsuneo: "The" Shinji? This is getting ridiculous. Rick: [Shinji] You know what the Shinji says? Well the Shinji says this. You take your little sock puppet EVA... > The Evas-11 through 13 attacked Shinji. Dan: When sock puppets go bad. > The 3rd Children > took out his progressive knife and plunged it in the Eva-11's chest. Rick: How nice. Tsuneo: And? Did it do anything? > But the > Eva-12 jumped on Eva-01 and knocked it down. The three Evas started pounding > Unit-01, Tsuneo: Apparently not. Rick: Unfair! Call the ref! > as Shinji punched one of them off and chopped off Eva-11's arm. Rebecca: Was that with the knife that's currently protruding from its chest? Dan: Um... Maybe. Dunno. I can't tell. > Asuka > was taking on Eva-05 and Eva-06 and punched one in the face and kicked the other > in the stomach. Rick: And while they recovered, she posed up a storm! > John was taking on Eva-07 and Eva-08. He grabbed one by the > throat and pierced its stomach with the progressive knife. Rebecca: [John] Who's next? > Rei took on Unit-09 > and 10 and punched Eva-09's head off killing it. Dan: Rei has the Fist of Death! Rick: [Singing] Everybody was kung-fu fighting! Hah! > Shinji grabbed Eva-11 and pierced its chest. Rebecca: [EVA-11] Again? Couldn't you use the same hole? > He then grabbed a rifle the Nerv had brought along and blew > up its whole body with bullets Rick: Uh, Shin-boy? I think it's dead now. > as Eva-12 chopped off Shinji's left arm with the 2-sided lance they had. Tsuneo: So he had his arm chopped off while he was "blowing up" another EVA with the rifle? Dan: The amazing part is that it didn't affect his aim any. > Eva-13 jumped on Shinji mouth first but bit on the knife. Rick: Yeah, that really worked. > Shinji grabbed Eva-12 lance and used it to chop the Eva in two. Unit-12 > was paralysed Dan: Mainly because it was dead. Tsuneo: Shinji's kicking ass. Rebecca: Yeah, he's the authour's pet around here. You watch, he's going to save Asuka in a second. > as Shinji knocked Eva-13 down and crushed its head. He then > started ripping off Eva-12's upper body part finishing it. Dan: That's after it's been cut in half, right? > Asuka got attacked by > both Evas and was knocked down. She punched through Unit-05's head and ripped > its brain out and crushed it. Rick: [Asuka] You like that one? I learnt it from Priss. > Eva-06 grabbed Asuka's right arm and ripped it > off. It then used its lance to plunge through Asuka's stomach. The 2nd Children > yelled and started ripping Eva-06's body apart until it screamed for the last > time, dead. Tsuneo: So what, she just ripped it apart with one arm? Rick: While it's lance was still stuck through her, no less. Rebecca: Oh yeah. She just kept visualizing it as Isamu and that did the trick. > John got rid of the two Evas pretty easily Rick: [John] I'm so special, I don't even get a goofy fight scene. > as Rei finished the last > Eva blowing it up with her AT Field. All Children blew up the rest of the Evas > with their ATs. [They all gasp and pant for breath] > On Tom's side... > "Matt, attach the ombilical wire!" said Tom as Matt did. Dan: The command center sent a massive overload through the wire and fried Matt's EVA. The end. > He took out the new progressive sword as Tom grabbed a progressive ax. Rebecca: This is stupid. You don't win battles by taking on your opponent one-on-one and giving him a fair chance, you win by ganging up and playing dirty. Tsuneo: And it's not like Tom's never done that before. > "What are the rules?" asked Tom. > "The last one standing wins!" answered Matt. > "I like those rules!" Rick: So do you automatically lose if you fall over? Dan: I think so. > Matt rushed to Tom and tried to slice him with his blade but Tom countered with > the ax. They started countering all their hits until both their weapons got > knocked out of their hands. Tsuneo: Admit it. You can't write a fight scene. > Tom grabbed a rifle and started shooting Matt who > ran to dodge the bullets and punched Unit-03's weapon breaking it. Rebecca: Now Matt's got the fist of death. Neat! > Tom raised > his AT Field and so did Matt. They grabbed both their hands and tried to put > each other down. Tom got the advantage as Unit-14 let go and kicked Eva-03 in > the face knocking it down. Rick: I thought Tom had the advantage. Tsuneo: Oh yeah, this is part of his master plan. > Eva-14 took out its progressive knife and stabbed Tom in the chest. Rick: And now? Tsuneo: Simple. Tom comes back as a ghost and haunts Matt. That's his master plan. Dan: Is it wrong for me to cheer for Matt? > The 6th Children screamed in pain but kicked Matt about twenty > yards away and got up. Rick: [Tom] Okay, I'm fine. I'm kind of leaking, but I'm fine. > Unit-03 ran to Matt and jumped on him feet first as soon > as Eva-14 got up knocking him down again. But Matt used his AT Field to knock > Tom away Dan: So did Tom actually make contact or not? Tsuneo: Only with the *floor.* > and grabbed the progressive sword as Tom took the ax. Their weapons > came into contact. > "I was never beaten!!!" screamed Matt. Rick: [Matt] I've never fought before, which kind of explains it. > "You can win as many battles as you want, but you can only lose one!!!!" Tsuneo: Actually, no. You can lose fairly often. You can only die once. Rebecca: Except if you're Isamu. Tsuneo: See? He always loses. > yelled > Tom as he put all his progressive grenades in contact with Unit-14's stomach. > Eva-03 jumped back and raised an AT Field as Eva-14's body showed its Core. Rick: Evangelion exhibitionists. > Tom put his foot on Eva-14's face and swang the ax over his head. Tsuneo: Swang? Dan: Can someone tell me what exactly just happened? > "Matt, you are fired!!!!!!" yelled Tom as he swang the ax down right on > Unit-14's Core making it blow up in pieces. Rebecca: "Fired?" I have a sudden urge to kill someone. Dan: No, fired only applies as a cool finishing line to incendiary or explosive weapons. For an axe, you need something more like- Tsuneo: Swang? Dan: Er... Yeah. > Eva-14 was annihilated. Rick: Well, I have no further part to play in this. I think I'll go organise my stamp collection. Dan: So much for Tokyo-3. Again. Rebecca: I'll miss Matt. He was a cool character. Tsuneo: Are you serious? He only appeared once, he had no description, no personality, no charisma, nothing. He was a complete blank. Rebecca: That's what's so cool about him. He isn't anyone else in Delta. Tsuneo: How true. Rick: I still think John's the best. Dan: Yeah, but that's only because he's special. > Tom rushed back to where the others were and saw that all Evas had been defeated. Dan: [Tom] What? You didn't leave any for me! Rebecca: I notice Tom gets to come back from the fight with all his limbs attached. > Suddenly, a plane rushed out of the place the SEELE HQ once stood. Tsuneo: And crashed, because it was underground. > "It's Chairmen Keele!!!!" yelled Shinji as he grabbed the plane in the air and > grabbed Keele out of it. Rebecca: [Asuka] That's right. He was using the Invadors to scare people away from his illegal software piracy operation. Rick: [Keele] That's right! And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for you rotten kids and your flightless water fowl. Dan: WARK! > "You will die next time!!!" yelled Keele. Dan: [Keele] I'll get you when I come back to life! > "There won't be a next time!!!" answered Shinji as he said, "Tom, give me > five!!!" > Keele was in Shinji's right hand as Tom said "Hell yeah, man!!!" Tom and Shinji > hit each other's opened right hand as Chairmen Keele's whole body was crushed. Tsuneo: Just once again showing what merciful and humane people they are. Rick: That's going to be really hard to clean up. > Later that night at Misato's apartment. Misato was out with Kaji again. Rebecca: Melons? Rick: Thrustmaster. [They both laugh] Dan: They're so immature. [Tsuneo stares blankly at him] > All the Children were sitting on a couch. Tsuneo: Wouldn't it be a bit squashed? > "Damn, Matt was tough!!!" said Tom. > "He was? Cool." answered Shinji. Rick: [Shinji] I think mercilessly slaughtering people is neato! > "I heard they put him in the Nerv's hospital..." said Asuka. Dan: [Matt] I hate this place. > "Yeah, I know, I got him pretty hurt, but he almost got my ass!" said Tom. Rebecca: I didn't know Matt felt that way. Then again, I don't know anything about Matt. > "SEELE is finaly gone!" said Rei enthousiastic. Dan: Hey, could you imagine how much those little Seele action figures must be worth now? Rick: Yeah, I heard the asking price for those little mini-monoliths is already shooting up. > "Yeah, we busted their asses!!!" yelled Tom as he stood up and drank a beer > straight. Tsuneo: Yes, he's a man because he drinks beer. > The next day, the new Dragons of Doom were having their first concert in > Tokyo-3. Rebecca: That's right, as if wanton violence wasn't enough, they've got to finish the chapter with a song. > John, Toji, Kensuke, Shinji and Tom walked up with their instruments. > "Are you ready, Tokyo-3?????" yelled Tom. All: No. > The whole audience yelled yes. > "Well, let's get ready to rock!!!" yelled Tom as Kensuke started beating on the > drums. Rebecca: because, as we know, banging sticks is his favourite pastime. > John started the music on the keyboard, Toji started playing the bass Dan: [Toji] Look ma, no hands! Tsuneo: That wasn't funny. It was actually quite sick. > as Shinji and Tom got crazy on the guitars. Rebecca: Guys? Not in public, please. > They started with their new song "Hell > in Heaven"(every song is sang in english). Rebecca: [Bad Japanese accent] What the hell is this clap? > And at the end of the concert, three hours later, Dan: Which, not counting toilet breaks, act breaks, stage breaks, sulk breaks, food breaks and WA-TAK breaks meant maybe fifteen minutes on stage. > they played their favorite and best song, "Apocalypse". It started > as Tom started singing very low while the piano was playing. Then, the music got > louder and Tom got crazy on his guitar while yelling lyrics that made the crowd > go wild. Tsuneo: The resulting riot wasn't exactly what they had in mind. > The concert was a TOTAL blow out!!! > Nerv HQ about two days later... Rick: About two days later? Aren't you sure? Dan: Well, you know. Approximately. > During a sinchronization test... > Ritsuko and Maya were reading the sync ratio's read outs. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Numbers, numbers, more numbers... I am so bored. > The Children had been inside the entry plug Tsuneo: Wouldn't it be cramped in there? Dan: Nah, they're holding an impromptu party. You don't want to know what LCL does to the bean dip. > for about two hours now. > "Asuka is at 251.5%, Rei is at 252%, John has stabilized his sync ratio at > 205.7%, but Shinji and Tom still seem to work as a pair! They're both at 291%! > How come??" asked Maya in great surprise. Rebecca: Well, Tom hasn't exactly been faithful to Asuka, you see. > "Well, Shinji and Tom made an agreement thinking that working as a pair works > better than working alone and they adapt their minds to each other. It makes > their sync ratio exactly between the percentage of both their sync ratios, > higher than the lowest synchronization of both, lower than the higher > synchronization of both Children, but it stabilizes them!" explained Ritsuko. Dan: Um... Rick: Uh... Rebecca: Huh? Tsuneo: My brain hurts. > "John has changed the number of points by which he gets better each time, but it > still repeats itself again and again!" said Shigeru. Dan: I thought he'd stabilized. Rebecca: Okay, maybe he hasn't. > "I know, there is something about him we still don't know, but what might it be? All: HE'S SPECIAL! > And after this attack by SEELE, Rick: [Ritsuko] And our total decimation of them. Dan: [Tom] Hey, we obliterated them in self-defence! > what awaits us next??" asked Ritsuko. Rebecca: Three more lame chapters. > At the same time, in Shinji's mind, something was clear : Dan: [Shinji] I knew I shouldn't have eaten the bean burrito before coming here. Rick: [Ritsuko] Shinji? we're detecting some unusual gasses in the LCL. Dan: [Shinji] Oops. > After SEELE's attack, > the Invadors were going to come back against them harder than ever. Tsuneo: More of that famous jumping to conclusions. > Now, all he > could hope for is that the Children would be ready to strike again until the > threat was gone. Rebecca: Translation: The next few chapters are going to be just like this one. > End of Genesis 0:23 [Rebecca pulls out a ridiculously sized pistol - sort of "Warhammer 40K" level of ridiculously huge - and fires it at the TV with a quite amazing lack of noise or recoil. The TV explodes in a pool of its own gore] Rick: Whoa! Dan: What was that? Rebecca: A 45mm silencer. Tsuneo: How long have you had one of those? Rebecca: I forget. I figured that we were most likely doing DELTA today so I bought it along. Dan: Remind me not to tick her off again. Voice: Er... Now that the fics over, how about your reviews for this chapter? Tsuneo: It really bugs me how just plain vicious and merciless the characters were acting. During the Nerv invasion, everyone - even John - hauls around a gun and randomly blows people away. There's no remorse, no mercy, no consideration that they're killing people here. Heck, Tom and Shinji even cheer about it. And consider that Shinji would let his EVA get torn apart rather than hurt another human, it's pretty atrocious. Dan: I have to say that the fight scenes managed to be even lamer than they usually were. I mean, people just seem to float around, attack from random angles and ignore what just happened to them. In one Invador fight, it went something like "he jumped on it knife down and hit its lower back because the monster moved up." It's ridiculous. I've got to say, this was an awfully written chapter. Rebecca: This has been bothering me for some time, but it really got to me in this chapter. Has anyone here noticed how sexist this fic is? Dan: Er... No. Rebecca: Figures. Anyway, Tom and Shinji get to do all the cool stuff like ride bikes, kill lots of monsters, fight the uber-EVA, have ludicrously high sync rates, kill major characters, go on shooting sprees and the like. Rei and Auska very rarely do anything that isn't glossed over. And when they're fighting the Invadors, usually the girls get badly shot up and have to be rescued by Tom and Shinji. Basically, this fic has a sexist streak a mile wide. Rick: OK... Let me get this straight. It's Wrestlemainia 34, which means that there's been a Wrestlemainia each year between then and now. Second Impact occurs in September 2000. The Explosion, along with the resulting floods, plagues, famines and civil wars kill half the population. Yet, in spite of all this, the WWF survived and has a large enough card to put on a Wrestlemania pay-per-view. Presumably the buy rate amongst the surviving, starving population stuck in the middle of a civil war was enough to keep the company going. That sounds a little too far fetched for me. Voice: That's nice, but what about the fic? Rick: After that Wrestlemania bit, I didn't really pay much attention to the fic. Rebecca: Figures. Rick: Strangely enough, that chapter didn't live up to what the random DELTA episode generator predicted. It was close though... Tsuneo: You could do it. Just put the record "Destroy SEELE" in the "after the fight" field. Rick: I'll have to do that. Rebecca: And don't forget to add "Sit around and watch the WWF" as something Tom and his homies do. Rick: Ok. Dan: Actually, you forgot to add the Brutal Killer Martial Arts tournament. Rick: Ahhh... Stuff it. You might as well all come round and tell me how to do all this. And I've got Wrestlemania 55 on tape. Dan: Kickass. [They file out. The screen goes blank] Voice: Abebird indeed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley & Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > On John's side, they were doing good and made their ways out of the building and > so did Misato, Rei, Kaji and Asuka. > Back to Shinji and Tom...