Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And now for episode 91, in which DELTA Invasion ends in a spectacular display of WAFF - DELTA Style! I'd like to thank Sardonyx, for pointing us to this fic and Chuck Williamson for handing his dibs on it over to us. I'd also like to thank Jamie Jeans for MSTing chapters four and five with us. Also big thanks to Keith Palmer and everyone else who read, laughed and wrote all throughout. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II Delta Invasion is copyright Tom Dyron (Gee. Who'd have guessed?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with a tattered plastic Christmas tree lying on the ground next to it.] [The place has been re-decorated with balloons and streamers and copious quantities of food on plates. A large banner hangs over the TV reads "Farewell to DELTA". Tsuneo, Rebecca, Dan and Rick are all there, wearing suits. Dan's tie is missing, and his top button is undone] Rick: Okay people... Here's the moment you've all been waiting for. [He picks up a piece of paper] Tsuneo: This should be good. Rick: Okay... quick quiz. How many Invadors have been destroyed. And I mean on-camera, so I'm not including those that were blown up along with planet Delta itself. Dan: I'm going to say about twenty-five here. I mean, they can't have killed that many. Rick: Uh-huh... sure thing. Rebecca: You're counting way, way too low, Dan. It's got to be about fourty. Thirty-five at the very least. Rick: Is that what you're going with? Rebecca: Sure thing. Tsuneo: I think you're both underestimating the mindless violence that is DELTA. I've got to say fourty-five or thereabouts. That'd be an average of three and a half per episode, which does make sense to me. Rick: And the winner is... [Checks the paper] None of you. The grand total was fifty-three Invadors killed on camera. Rebecca: Fifty-three? Dan: No way! Tsuneo: I expected it to be bloody, but that's way too high. Rick: I checked it, and it hurt. Tsuneo: That's... lots. It's like killing every Angel in the series three and a half times. Rick: They weren't the only ones, however. The other casualties were: Three Angels, Adam, Lillith and Justice, Eleven Evangelions, Some of them twice, two authour-created characters, ie Jeff and Matt Yazama and one EVA canonical character; Keel Lorenz. And, of course, one small planet. Rebecca: That's... disturbing. Dan: And kind of worrying. Tsuneo: It's enough to make me want to go and check the fanmail. Excuse me. [They gather around the computer.] Tsuneo: Okay... We've got a few in. The first one's from Mike Surbrook on DELTA 12. > > > Shinji was pounding from behind. > > > That line is just so... *wrong.* > > > Marta thought it was funny, though. Rebecca: I'm amazed that I missed that one. > Well, I'm simply disturbed by Delta Invasion. That big battle sequence > was... was... STUPID! And Tom's rant was alughable if it wasn't so > pathetic. Dan: Which rant does he mean? Rebecca: Any of them. Tsuneo: Thanks for writing, Mike. We've also got one from Keith Palmer on NXE 1.5 > I was, I will admit, surprised to see the NXE 1:5 MSTing pop up on > SVAM. I had seen it promised on your own page, although my only > thought was to hope that it wouldn't get buried about thirty MSTings > back, and to resolve to keep my mouth shut. Rick: Well, we put the promo up there on the assumption that it would be done fairly soon. > But the MSTing is here, and I can make my comments in all good cheer. > You're more than halfway through the first season of NXE, which is > where I believe all of the really good MSTable stuff is. (That said, > there are some rather unbelievable moments in the first half of the > second season.) > I thought at one point, when I was reading and rereading NXE while > waiting for its third season to start and recognising that I could > dislike it, that 1:5 was one of the better episodes of the first > season. This conclusion, however, was for no better reason than that > DJ got upset and cried at one point. That, of course, leaves out Jon > falling into the rather suspicious role of acting as NXE's punching > bag, while still managing to keep himself covered when Rei visits him > (that somehow seemed particularly egregarious to me), and it left out > DJ coming up with the idea of the superweapon, and it left out DJ > tastefully ogling Rei in the tent, and it left out Rei kissing DJ's > hands (too bad she'd smiled already), and it left out the final scene > with DJ's little gift... But I still think that 1:6 is the best > episode of the first season! (That doesn't mean I won't be glad to > see it eventually turn up, though.) Rebecca: We won't. > There were a lot of good, funny riffs in this MSTing, too many for me > to pick out and quote back to you. I do have some comments on some > parts of the work, though. I was interested to see a different > description of the Elmer Studios apartment than your usual > boilerplate text, and I also noticed that the Christmas tree finally > seems to be gone. Tsuneo: I don't know what happened there. Unfortunately, the stupid thing's still here. We should get round to moving it some day. Dan: Yeah, some day. Rick: Sooner or later. > >REBECCA: Are you kidding? This city's famous. They filmed a whole episode > > of "Undocumented Features" here. > >GOUKA: My point exactly! > They blew it up at the end of the episode, of course. Then they > rebuilt it. Then they blew it up again... Actually, that might > explain why it's "Worcester-3." Rebecca: Well nothing else could. > >Instead, the targeting computer bogged > >down as the magnetic interference of the sustained firestorm going on > >in the foreground forced it into a constantly recalculating loop. > >Then, overwhelmed with the unforeseen computational demands, it > >crashed, and the targeting lines vanished as the scope went dark. > "They could have stuck with the *Japanese* components, but no, NERV > *had* to buy American..." (I thought of that riff while waiting for > the MSTing to show up.) Tsuneo: I wish I'd thought of that. > > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION > > EXODUS 1:5 - ENTER THE DRAGON > > 08/06/97 > I couldn't escape thinking of a "DELTA Invasion" reference at that > point. Of course, it wasn't "Enter 'Da' Dragon"... Rebecca: Tom in NXE. [Pause] All: GAH! > But in conclusion, a totally enjoyable work! Rebecca: Only for you, not for us. Tsuneo: It was more stupid than awful. But thanks for writing in, Keith. Rick: Hang on, isn't this next one from him as well? Tsuneo: You're right. This one's on DELTA 12. > I know that I sent you comments about the MSTing of NXE 1:5 only a > few days ago. However, since your MSTing of DELTA Invasion part 12 > showed up so soon after it, what else am I going to do? Dan: Nothing and like it? > This latest chapter... well, *wow.* It was certainly the penultimate > instalment in DELTA Invasion's insanity, and Justice's > long-anticipated appearance definitely didn't disappoint. Even the > sheer pointless of Matt's reappearance, master plan, and grisly > destruction, sandwiched in between fights with Justice as it was, > added to the story. There's still one chapter left, of course, but > somehow that doesn't bother me any more. Rick: Well, it worries us. With all the Invadors defeated, what's he going to do with a whole chapter? > Your riffing was lots of fun this time around, too. The nitpicks and > complaints all seemed to fit. Perhaps the "electric monk" helped in > that respect. I also enjoyed the "obscure non-pop culture" riff > about Hemingway. However, I do feel compelled to directly respond to > one little line: > > > But I think that just like Tabris or Kaoru, > > > >Dan: Or Kevin. > Been reading ahead on NXE, Dan? :) Dan: Huh? Rick: I'll explain later. Tsuneo: And thanks again, Keith. Voice: Good morning... what happened here? And who are you guys meant to be, the Turks? Rebecca: Hey there, head. How's the museum? Got yourself a nice jar? Tsuneo: We calculated that today you were going to show the final episode of DELTA, so we figured that we'd throw a little farewell party. Rick: You don't riff 13 chapters of something without either getting a little attached to it or being glad to finally see the end of it. Dan: What are you talking about? You only saw eleven of them. Rick: Whatever. Rebecca: But since we knew that after today there would be no more DELTA Invasion ever, we felt like celebrating. Voice: I suppose I should just show you the chapter and get on with it, right? Rick: You could forget all about it and just leave us to the party. Rebecca: I wish. Voice: No such luck. [They sit; Dan and Tsuneo on the forwards-facing couch, Rebecca and Rick on the other one. Rick and Dan are closest on the corners.] Rick: Well, after the FIGHT SCENE, I'm ready for anyhting Delta can throw at us. Tsuneo: I'm not so sure, myself. Rebecca: We've still got the Monk. Tsuneo: I'll be good. [The TV switches on] > Final Genesis : After War Comes Peace/At Last A Real Life Dan: Real? In Delta? Never! Rick: You call this living? > June 4th, 2018... Rebecca: Weather permitting. > Tom was checking out a file that he would definitely keep for himself... Tsuneo: Of course, no-one else needs to know about it. They're not important. > Tom read on... on the cover of the file, it said : Yazama Matt. Dan: Oh yeah, Matt. I forgot about him. Rick: How could you? Dan: With considerable effort. > "Born : 05/29/2001 Death : 06/02/2018 > Father : Yazama Ki Mother : Yazama Akane > History : Rebecca: Contrived. > Matt was born in Kyoto. Rick: So if he was born in Japan to Japanese parents, how did he end up with a name like Matt? > His mother died as soon as Matt was born. And Matt's dad > stopped living after his mother's death. He didn't care about Matt anymore and > he started drinking and taking drugs. Matt couldn't stand it, so he left home > when he was 5. Rebecca: Go away kid, you bother me. I say go away, son. > He ran away as far as he could, only to be found by the man we > call Keel Lorenz, in Tokyo-2 while he was looking for a pilot of the Eva that > SEELE was building because Eva-01 was now in hands of Nerv. Dan: And breathe. Tsuneo: Never mind that at this point, there *was* no Nerv. > Lilith's cells were > brought inside that Eva, as they started building it in the same time as Eva-01. Rick: Didn't he just say they were building it because Gendo *already* had unit 01? > It was only completed after the completion of Eva-05 through 13 which's datas > were stocked inside Eva-14. Rebecca: So... EVA-14 is a backup drive? > Matt lived most his life as a SEELE officer as he was a very good soldier. Dan: Albeit a bit on the short side. Rick: Just how many underaged killer commandos are there in this fic? > But unfortunately, he tried to start 3rd Impact from Nerv HQ Rebecca: Bad Matt! What have I told you about trying to start Third Impact indoors? Now go to your room, and think about what you've done! > and found death against Eva-01..." Tsuneo: Found death? Dan: Oh look, there he was all along. > Tom read the story and suddenly felt bad for poor Matt... Rick: [Tom] Poor guy. He was written in just so I could squash him. > June 6th, 2018 > Misato's apartment... Dan: Are they ever going to move out? > All the Children were celebrating Shinji's birthday. John, Ritsuko, Tom, Rei, > Asuka, Kensuke, Toji, Misato and Kaji, everyone was just partying. Rick: Okay, so Misato and Kaji aren't children. At least, not physically. Rebecca: Wow, Ritsuko must be the life of this party. > Shinji was now 17. School was over and the Children were on vacation. Tsuneo: Not that it matters to them. > All Invadors had been defeated and everything's all right. Dan: So when are they going to get a real job? > "This is life!!!" yelled Shinji. Rick: You noticed? > "Woohoo!!!" screamed Tom. > "Oh hell yeah!!!" said Asuka. > "Finaly, we can live a normal life!!" said Rei. Rebecca: That just sounds wrong coming from her. Tsuneo: What, the "normal" bit or the two exclamation marks? > They kept on partying that day. Misato and Kaji walked up to make a statement. Dan: [Kaji] You're all fired. > "Ahem..." said Misato as everyone stopped talking to listen to Kaji and Misato. Rick: [Misato] We're going off to live in a hippie commune. See you guys later. > "We have an important statement to make!" added Kaji. Tsuneo: [Kaji] I'm dead. Thought you might have forgotten. > "Me and Kaji are getting married!!!" said Misato. Rebecca: These people should not be allowed to breed. > Everyone starred surprised and Tom said : Rick: [Tom] I suppose this means you'll be closing down the house of ill repute now. Tsuneo: [Tom] Excuse me? Are you two trying to steal *my* scene away from *me?* > "Congratulations!!!" as everyone partied again. They soon learned that the > wedding was going to happen July 1st. Dan: Good thing Misato and Kaji aren't just making some stupid snap decision. > June 29th, 2018 > At Ritsuko's place... Rebecca: Hey, I wonder if Charles is there. Or Charles. > Tom had visited John the day he got out of his coma sooner than expected at > Ritsuko's apartment. Rick: So he got out of his coma at Ritsuko's apartment? Tsuneo: Hang on, he was in the party scene just above! Rebecca: Wow, a comatose John must have really been the life of the party. > He had asked to go alone. Ritsuko and John's brother Rick: Oh, so Charles has been demoted to just "John's brother" now. Tsuneo: Charles is still here? Does that mean that he's been on a six month holiday? Dan: I want to work where he works. > were out until the next day for some reason Tom couldn't remember. Tsuneo: Read: I don't want them in this scene, but I can't be bothered saying why they're not here. > Tom was going to spend the night. Rebecca: [Tom] At last! Alone together, my love! > "Yo, John, I'm hella glad to see ya back on track!" said Tom. Rick: [John] That's nice. What did you just say? > "Thanks, Tom, I'm glad you beat Justice!" answered John. Tsuneo: So are we going to be harping on about that for the rest of the chapter? Dan: Probably. > "If I hadn't done it, I woulda been so pissed, but actualy, I would be dead!" Rick: So you wouldn't be that angry after all. > "Yeah, I know you would be!" > "Dude, you missed Shinji's birthday and shit, what ya gonna do about it?" Dan: [John] I have an excuse, you know. Doesn't being in a coma count for anything? Rebecca: [Tom] Oh yeah? Well he's my homie, and I say you have to do something about it! > "Well, I'm gonna buy him a present tomorrow first thing... finaly we beat the > Invadors, but someone like us had to die..." Tsuneo: [John] Hold on while I assemble some more random phrases. > "Matt Yazama..." Rick: Bzzzt, wrong! But thanks for playing. > "Yeah, him!" > "And you lost your father in this whole thing!" Rebecca: Who was that? They never settled who his dad was. > "When he died I didn't even know he was my father, and how can you call such a > motherfuckin' asshole like that a father anyway???" Dan: I guess they're talking about chairman Keel. Tsuneo: But he was never established as John's father. Rick: You know, if only he'd taken some time out from plotting the end of the world to maybe play ball with John, or go fishing, or something like that... Well, maybe he wouldn't be so special. > "I know how you feel, but look at Ikari, look at how he can think about his > father too! I just feel bad for him, you know..." Rick: [John] Yeah, well at least his dad wasn't murdered in cold blood by his two best friends. > The night went on like that as John and Tom continued talking. Tsuneo: Delta Invasion: Not afraid to start a scene, even if they don't know how to end it. > They laughed a lot and went out for dinner. Dan: [Tom] Hey John, I've got a whole hundred yens! I'm buying! Rebecca: John was never seen again. > About a month later, July 1st... Rick: So what, June 30 lasts a whole month now? > Tom was designed to be the wedding singer. Rebecca: Someone designed Tom? They could have down a better job. > Asuka was the flower girl Rick: So she's going to follow Basara around and try to get his autograph? Tsuneo: I thought we agreed never to mention Macross 7 around here again. > while Shinji was the best man and Rei was the bride's maid. Dan: Because of course, they don't have any adult friends. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Hello? What about me, your best buddy Ritsuko? Hello? > "Well, see, it's cool 'cause I don't have to wear no fuckin' tie or anything > when I'm the wedding singer, so whoohoo!!!" said Tom. Rick: Yes you do! Just because you're the wedding singer doesn't mean you're allowed to dress like a slob. > "Lucky..." said Asuka, Shinji and Rei. Tsuneo: Because as everyone knows, the wedding singer is even more important than the couple getting married. Rebecca: Only when it's Tom. > The 3rd Children went to check on Kaji who was getting ready. Rick: Hey Kaji, it's the best man's job to bonk the bridesmaid! Rebecca: [Rei] Oh Kaji, your thrustmaster is so big. > "So, Kaji, you ready for the big thing???" asked Shinji. Rick: I thought he was getting it. > "Yeah, it's gonna be great!!" answered Kaji. Dan: Er, Kaji? Your tie... Rebecca: You don't want to know where they found him after the stag party. > "I have to admit something to you..." Rick: [Shinji] You know how Tom wasn't at the stag party? Well, the hen's party hired a stripper, and... > "What is that?" Tsuneo: [Shinji] Well, you're dead, and you're really beginning to stink up the place. > "I'm really planning on marrying Rei sooner or later. I really love her!" > "That's great Shinji!" All: Awww... Rick: I may puke. > "Yeah, I'll wait until she's ready, I really want to marry Rei..." Rebecca: I think they'd only recognise it in Alabama though. > "I understand, well today, my name is becoming Katsuragi Kaji!!!" said Kaji, > "Damn, I love this so much!!!" > They both continued talking as Tom started playing the guitar, and the rest of > DOD was playing except Shinji because of the fact that he was the best man. Rick: And *he* was out the back with the bridesmaid. > Tom started with "Hells Bells" of AC/DC. Dan: How romantic. When I think weddings, I always think heavy metal music. Rebecca: Was that actually sarcasm, Dan? Dan: To be honest, I'm not sure. > Everybody at the wedding was dancing and cheering for Tom Dan: [Gendo] Tom rocks my world. Rick: [Fuyutski] Yes. > who was getting crazy on his guitar and singing. Rebecca: Should he be doing that in public? > Then, came the moment to start the wedding. Tsuneo: Tough luck, Tom. You'll have to give up the limelight to someone else for a second. > Asuka walked in throwing flowers around. Dan: Asuka, you're not meant to throw them *at* people. > Then, > Misato, accompanied by Rei, and Kaji accompanied by Shinji walked down the aisle > where the preacher was waiting. > The ceremony went on as Misato and Kaji got married. Rick: Kind of anticlimactic, really. > Tom yelled "WAY TO GO, KAJI!!!!" Dan: You know what's the worst part of being the best man at Kaji's wedding? What kind of story are you meant to tell that would embarrass him? Rebecca: [Shinji] Well there was the time Misato shot him dead, but fortunately their relationship's gotten better. > About three months later... Tsuneo: July 4. > The phone rang in Tom's apartment. Rick: Oh, so it's Tom's apartment now? Tsuneo: Presumably they've moved out, but some details would be nice. Rebecca: Nah, Misato and Kaji have just fled. > Tom ran to get the phone and answered. > "Hello?" Dan: If this is Ritsuko calling about more Invadors, I'm leaving. > "Hello, Tom, it's Misato!" > "Oh, hey, what's up??" > "Well, I have great news, I'm pregnant!!!" said Misato. Rebecca: [Tom] That's nice, who's the father? [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > "Holy shit! That's great, congratulations to you two!" said Tom. Rick: Is anyone here terrified at the thought of Misato and Kaji's children? Tsuneo: Like you can talk. > "Thanks!" > They continued talking and Tom hang up. Tsuneo: [Tom] Dammit, I want some time in this chapter to me! How dare you other people do things? > Nine months later, July 7th, 2019. Dan: An awful lot can happen in a year, but we're not going to bother detailing that. Rick: Kensuke won an Oscar for his independent film "The Tokyo-3 Bitch Project," Charles duplicated himself again, Nerv was disbanded and Pen-Pen was voted into office. > Tom rushed with the four other Children to > the hospital where Misato was going to have a baby. As they walked in the room, > Misato had just gotten the baby. Dan: It arrived by express mail just this morning. > Kaji was scared as hell. Tom busted the hell in and asked : Tsuneo: [Tom] Does it look like me? Please tell me it doesn't look like me. Rick: [Kaji] It looks like you. Rebecca: [Misato] Argh! Where's my lawyer? > "It's a boy or girl??" Rick: [John Cleese] I think it's a bit too early to start imposing roles, don't you? > "It's a girl!!" said Kaji. > "What's her name?" asked Asuka. > "Mana!" said Misato. Dan: Do you think that's a sophisticated side-reference to "Girlfriend of Steel?" Rick: Nah, probably just a coincidence. Rebecca: Besides, that would mean admitting to owning a Sega Saturn. No-one in the universe owns a Sega Saturn. Tsuneo: ... > "Katsuragi Mana..." said Tom, "Nice name!!!" > They all looked at the baby. Dan: [Mana] What? What you all looking at? Sheesh, give me some room here! > "She's so cute..." said Asuka. Rei and Shinji held hands and slowly said : Rick: [Shinji] We hate you all, and we're running away. > "Guys, we have something to tell you..." said Rei. > "What is it??" said Tom. > "We are going to get married in February. On Rei's birthday..." said Shinji. Tsuneo: You watch, we're going to skip another six months. Dan: What I want to know is how they'll afford to raise a family. For all I know, those kids are still unemployed and living in Misato's place. > "Whoa, that kicks ass!!" said Tom. > "And you're the best man, Tom..." said Rei. Rebecca: Fortunately, Tom hasn't known Shinji long enough to know about the toothpicks. > "What da???" said the 6th Children in surprise. Dan: Yes, he said you were going to be the best man. Is there some part of that you don't understand? > "And you're the bride's maid, Asuka!" said Shinji. > "Great!" answered Asuka. Tsuneo: Asuka is Rei's bridesmaid? That sounds fundamentally wrong. > Tom looked down telling himself "Crap, I look like a penguin in a suit. Oh god > damn, why me?? Why me???" Rick: It's your story, you tell us. > But Tom got over it as they got back to the apartment. Dan: See? They are all still living together. Rebecca: With Kaji moving in, and a baby, that place must be so crowded. Rick: Nah, Pen-Pen moved out. > February 14th, 2020... Dan: And in the intervening six months: Rebecca: Dragons of Doom split up and reformed, Charles and Ritsuko eloped, Toji became Mr. Olympia and the school teacher was committed. > Tom was in a suit and yelled : > "Look at me, Shinji, I look like a mothafuckin' penguin!!!" yelled Tom. Rebecca: [Pen-Pen] Waaaark... Dan: [Tom] No! Bad Pen-Pen! Down! > "No you don't, you look great!" responded Shinji. Rick: [Shinji] You look like... A really big penguin. > "Yeah, my ass I do!" Tsuneo: I know a few penguins who'd be insulted by this scene. > "Come on, you're overreacting, dude!!" > "No I ain't, this is bad!! I mean really bad!" Dan: [Tom] They're coming out of the walls! They're coming out of the god-damned walls! Game over, man! Game over! > "Come on, it's my wedding, don't give me that shit!" Rebecca: [Tom] Well what sort of sh*t do you want, Shinji? > "O.K. just for you, Shinji!" > "Thanks, Tom!" Tsuneo: [Shinji] You're the greatest. Can I kiss up to you some more? Dan: [Tom] Don't expect me to make a habit of it. > "But I still think I look like crap Rebecca: For once Tom, you and I are in agreement. > in this outfit!!!" concluded Tom as there > was about two hours left before the real thing started. Rick: Well that's more than enough time for one of them to get hysterical and have second thoughts, a temper tantrum, someone to get lost on the way to the wedding and for no-one to know where the rings are. > Tom went out to see John with his new girlfriend. Rebecca: Is she special too? > She had blond hair, green eyes, and was wearing a usual dress. Tsuneo: A usual dress? Is that anything like a normal suit? > "Hey Tom!" said John. > "Yo, John!" answered Tom. Dan: [Tom] I thought you vanished from the fic a year and a half ago. Rick: [John] Yeah, well the aliens brought me back. > "Meet my new girlfriend, Jeynna Karyla, she's american too, she's moving here > with her father!" Tsuneo: For all the world, that sounds like a new uberkid setup. Except that it's over. Rebecca: Okay, so what are the chances that Tom's ex just happens to move to Japan and just happens to hitch up with the single most boring guy on the planet, who also just happens to be Tom's number two punching bag? Dan: Getting better all the time. > "Jeynna Karyla..." said Tom remembering who she was. Rick: [Tom] No, wait, don't remind me, I'll get it in a minute. > They looked in each other's eyes and understood. > "I gotta go to the bathroom..." said Tom as he walked away. He sat down and drank > a beer. Dan: Are you going to get drunk before the ceremony starts? > He watched as the new girl sat down next to Tom. Tsuneo: Tom watched as she sat down next to Tom? Rick: He's having an out of body experience. Rebecca: This fic reads like an out-of-body experience. > "So you remember, Tom Dyron..." Jeynna said. Dan: [Tom] Of course I remember Tom Dyron, I'm him! Oh, wait a sec... > "Of course I do, what the hell do you think??" said Tom. > "Yeah, I could have guessed. Anyway, you still pissed?" Rebecca: [Tom] Not yet, but I'm still working on it. > "Why would I be? I got a loving girl! Soryu Asuka Langley, the girl of my life!" Tsuneo: [Tom] I'm not bitter! No, really! > "If you say so, I found a new guy, John, and I love him!" Rick: [Jeynna] He's special! > "That's what you used to say with me! And Mike..." Rebecca: [Jeynna] Yeah, but you two were idiots. > "He told you? God damnit!" > "And about how you acted like a slut and found another guy right after, I hear > real nice stories about you!" Rebecca: Oh gee, just because she dumped you and your homie, that automatically makes her a slut? Since you hitched up with Asuka long before you knew she'd left you, what does that make you then? Tsuneo: [Tom] I'm not bitter! Nosireebob! > "Argh!!! Look, when you left to Japan, Mike was being really nice to me telling > me not to worry and all, I couldn't resist... Dan: Gee, you don't think it could be mike's fault, do you? Rebecca: [Bitter] Of course not, he's a guy, so he's infallible. Dan: Hey, don't go on like that. I mean, I'm a guy, and I'm not infallible. Rebecca: Dan, you make me feel an awful lot better some times. Dan: Thanks... I think. > "That's great, Jeynna, I'm gonna write a book called "The 1001 Sluty Ways Of > Jeynna Karyla". It would be sold a lot, I think!" Tsuneo: [Tom] I curse my miserable life every single night, but I'm still not bitter! > "Shut up, Tom, god damnit, I'm sorry!" Rebecca: [Jeynna] I'm so sorry that you're an insensitive womanising pig. > "Like I still care, Dan: So why's he making such an issue of it? Tsuneo: [Tom] I am not bitter! Damn you, I'm not! > I'm afraid of whatever bitchy thing you might do to him, > he's such a sweet guy, damnit, Rick: He's special, you know. Dan: I mean, he yells and swears and drinks beer like the rest of us, but he's still sweet. > I wonder what the fuck you might do to him!" > "Look, I love John and I won't do anything to hurt him, do you fucking > understand that, Tom Dyron????" > "Yeah, I understand that you're full of shit..." Rebecca: I'm still convinced this girl is a real person the authour knows who dumped him for being such a jerk. Dan: What, and this part of the fic is just him taking out his aggressions on her? Rebecca: In a kind of pathetic loser way that's below even you, Dan. Dan: That's the nicest thing she's ever said to me. > Jessica slapped Tom. Rick: Hey, who's this Jessica person? Rebecca: I don't know, but I want to applaud her. > "You know, I don't really give a crap, so calm down! I don't know what's wrong > with you, Jeynna. What happened to the cool girl I once knew?" Dan: You. > "She changed, she became more mature and she..." Rebecca: Stopped hanging around you. > said Jeynna as Tom interrupted her with an eye contact. Rick: It's like a frog in someone's headlights. > "You became dirty whore, a ho, nothing less to say. You still look as good, but > you have a bad attitude." Tsuneo: [Tom] Just for the record: I'm not bitter. Rick: So she got married to Triple H then? > "Tom, can you just stop this???" said Jeynna as she stood and looked at Tom > straight in the eyes with a begging look. Dan: [Tom] No, dammit! I've got to drag you through the mud some more! > "Jeynna, I forgive you for what you've done to me, but what you did to Mike... I > just can't. Give me some time..." Rebecca: Oh come on, you've only got his side of the story. If you actually gave her five minutes to explain herself... > "God, you changed too, Tom!" Rick: [Jeynna] At last! I was wondering how long it would take you to wash your underwear. > "Yeah, I became famous as a singer and I'm the only champion of the "No Holds > Barred Tournament" so, hell yeah I changed!" Tsuneo: [Tom] Say, do you want to hear more about how amazing I am? All: No. > "Not in that way, you're more sincere, and you don't care about what you say to > girls, now, that's what I meant." Dan: [Tom] Have you been talking to Asuka? Damn! > "Get used to the new Tom, Rick: Except in a few years they'll bring back the old Tom and label him as "classic Tom," then the new Tom will fade from the market. > the one that got what he wanted in life and that doesn't wanna change anymore..." Tsuneo: I was wondering how he'd changed. His ego got even bigger. > "Hmm... you're right, but you're not the same to me." > "Oh, I'm not?? Well guess what? I don't give a rat's ass!" Rick: [Jeynna] So what do you think of me? Dan: [Tom] I think- Rick: [Jeynna] It doesn't matter what you think of me! > "I know, you changed..." Dan: You kind of glow green now. > The conversation ended on this last sentence. Rick: Sad thing is, this was meant to be John's big scene. > Same time... > Rei and Asuka were talking... > "Look, Rei, you know, for all times I acted like a bitch to you?" said Asuka. Rebecca: [Asuka] Well I'm proud of it! > "You never did..." responded Rei. Dan: [Asuka] Okay, all the times I acted like that to the last Rei. Rebecca: [Rei] That's different. > "I did, and I know it, so I'd like to apologize for all of those, O.K.?" > "Accorded. I had forgotten about those anyway, Asuka!" Rick: Do you reckon that was him making a reference to Rei's memory loss from being recreated? Tsuneo: Nah, I think he's just trying to write her as stroppy. > "Good, now, congratulations about you and Shinji, I'm happy for the both of > you!" > "Thank you, Asuka, thank you very much!" > Tom was drinking another beer as he lighted a cigarette. Rick: You are going to show up drunk, aren't you. Dan: [Tom] Damn shtraight. Tsuneo: At the very least, it'll be a memorable reception. > When he was done, he > got ready because the wedding was now about to start. Tom and Shinji stood on > one altar, and Asuka and Rei stood on the other. Dan: Um, you guys? Together? In the middle? Rebecca: What, so Tom and Shinji are marrying each other now? Rick: Yeah, but it'd only be recognised in California. > The four of them slowly walked > down the aisle. The ceremony was going fine Dan: [Gendo] I always cry at weddings. Rick: [Fuyutski] Yes. > except that Tom felt humiliated to be shown to everyone in a suit. Rebecca: Shut up and live with it, Tom. > When the ceremony was over and that Rei and Shinji were done kissing, Rick: Gods, don't you two ever take a breath? > Tom ran to change yelling "I HATE THOSE GODDAMN SUITS!!!!" Dan: It ain't his wedding, so he's got to ruin it for everyone. Never take this man anywhere. > Rei soon told everyone that she was pregnant... Rebecca: Eew, that's about as icky as it gets. Rick: I recall saying something about this only being recognised in Alabama. > About nine months later, October 26th, 2020... Dan: And in the meantime... Tsuneo: Toji and Hikari got married and split up, Taiwan invaded China, Fuyutski published his memoirs and blamed everything on Gendo, and Atlantis rose from the ocean floor. > Tom rushed with Asuka to the hospital where Rei had probably just gave birth to > her child. Tom suddenly busted the hell in with Asuka to see Shinji stressed out > as hell as he held the baby up. Dan: He just saw his future fly out the door. Rick: [Tom] Hey, I want one of those. Rebecca: Well, he's a quarter Angel on his mother's side, so you can imagine the early years are going to be difficult. Tsuneo: Is anyone here concerned that neither of them are over twenty yet? Rebecca: Nah, Shinji was planning on moving into the trailer park and buying a shotgun anyway. > John soon rushed in too. > "Boy or girl, ol' pal??" said Tom. Dan: [Shinji] I thought you'd know by now. > "It's a boy!" said Shinji, "A new Ayanami!" > "What's his name??" asked Tom. > "Lyn, Ayanami Lyn..." said Rei. Rebecca: Hey, don't go reffing EVA-R in this fic! It's actually good. Tsuneo: I suppose we can expect him to take after his dad. Rick: Ouch. > "Lyn? What a beautiful name!!!" said Asuka as she congratulated both Shinji and > Rei. Dan: No it ain't, it's a girl's name! > Tom was clapping repeating "Dat's my boy, Shinji, way to go!!!!" Tsuneo: [Shinji] You like it? I made it myself. > The same year, at Nerv HQ, Gendo was standing alone in front of Eva-01... Rebecca: [Gendo] I'm sorry I never write dear, but I've been busy. Dan: [Gendo] I'm sorry you weren't invited to your son's wedding, but I saved you some cake. > "I am sorry for what happened to you, Yui. Rick: [Gendo] But, well, it is all sort of your fault. > You know I always truly loved you and Dan: [Gendo] I swear, neither of the Akagis meant anything to me. > my work since 2004 was to see you again... I completed the Instrumentality and > Shinji was completed, Rebecca: Shinji was completed? That sounds so wrong. > but I will never do it again with the other Children. Tsuneo: I love his strict and precise adherence to EVA continuity. > Since the attack made by Matt Yazama, Tsuneo: Lots of stuff has happened, but we skipped most of it. > I figured out that Evas were too dangerous Rick: It took him two years to reach this conclusion? Rebecca: He had other things on his mind. > and were to be kept from moving crucified like Lilith on her cross in Terminal > Dogma. All Evas will take her place. Rick: On the one cross? That might get a little cramped. > I know that the Eva will feel pain, but you > won't. I know that inside you are kept with Lilith's soul which made some of > Eva-01's berserk states uncontrollable, Tsuneo: Wouldn't being berserk and being uncontrollable be the same thing? > and I am sorry..." > Gendo looked straight through the Eva's eyes wondering if Yui would give him a > response. Rebecca: Roar once for yes, twice for no. Rick: Or just bite him. > Gendo looked back down Dan [Gendo]: Damn.. I've been saying all this with my fly undone. > and continued : > "When I think that Misato believed that Kaji didn't die... and that Kaji thinks he > didn't either... Tsuneo: Of course, there's a year-and-a-half hole in his memory. > We recreated his memory, we recloned Kaji because, not only we needed him Rebecca: What did you need him form precisely? To stand around, drink coffee and harass the female staff? Rick: Hey, does the new Kaji get around in a blue and red costume and cling to walls? > but we did a favor to Misato's great work. Dan: [Gendo] And I felt like it. > Destroying Lilith, I went > against all Angels and SEELE. Destroying Adam, I did the same... but I decided to > let go on the idea of the Third Impact knowing it was too dangerous. Rebecca: [Gendo] So I dedicated myself to one single goal for thirteen years, then changed my mind. Go fig. > SEELE got what they deserve. Tsuneo: A slap on the wrist and told not to do it again. > But what happened to you just makes me sick... now that our son > has married Ayanami Rei, he can be happy. I hope that he does not hate me > forever though... Rick: [Gendo] Given how much of a kind, wonderful and considerate dad I've been. > Justice was beaten, but it was really close, but all Angels are > defeated now..." finished Gendo. Tsuneo: For anyone who'd missed the last twelve chapters... > But suddenly, he heard step sounds coming from behind him. Dan: [Fuyutski] You weren't in your seat, I thought you might need a shadow over your shoulder. > When he turned around, he saw Shinji, Ayanami Shinji now looking at > him. > "Father, we need to have a talk, a talk that has to settle it all..." Dan: Oh great, a deep and meaningful between Shinji and Gendo. Rebecca: [Shinji] You know, you're very mean. Rick: [Gendo] I am? Rebecca: [Shinji] Yes, you are. Rick: [Gendo] I am? Rebecca: [Shinji] Yes, you are. Rick: [Gendo] I am? Rebecca: [Shinji] Yes, you are. Rick: [Gendo] Well, I am what I am. > "I know, Shinji. I know that you deeply hate me for everything I've done to you, Dan: [Gendo] But what can I say, I'm evil. > but you have to underst..." tried to say Gendo as Shinji interrupted him. Rebecca: Shinji cut off Gendo mid-sentence! Tom has been a bad influence on him. > "Father, I don't hate you, I just don't understand why you did all this to me... > why you left your only son!" Rick: [Gendo] I had other things to do, okay? Tsuneo: [Shinji] Well you could have at least not left me in the care of a generic unseen uncle. > "Shinji, the day your mother died... everything changed for me. I really loved > her, and she was gone. There was Rei, your wife that I was taking care of too... Tsuneo: Yes, little kid Rei. [Snigger] > When I abandoned you when you were 11, Dan: [Gendo] It was like when I abandoned you when you were four, only you were older. > I didn't know what I was doing, Tsuneo: [Gendo] Actually I did, but I'm a warm and compassionate person now. Rick: [Gendo] I deny everything. I have no recollection of those events. I am not a crook. > as I said you ran away while you knew the truth, I had left you..." Dan: Aww... This is a truly emotional moment. it's completely wrong, but what the hell. > "I never had the chance to actualy know my mother well... I barely remember her..." Rebecca: [Gendo] Don't look at me, it's not my fault. > "I know, Shinji, know that I'm sorry about everything I've ever done to you or > any of your friends, please accept that apology..." Rick: Hey look, he's got his fingers crossed behind his back. > Shinji was surprised as he saw mercy and compassion in his father's eyes. Rebecca: He learnt that trick off lieutenant Manning. > Shinji and Gendo looked down a long time, Dan: [Gendo] So... Rick: [Shinji] So... Dan: [Gendo] You want to go play ball, son? Rebecca: Insert touching scenes of father-son bonding here. [Long pause. Then they all break up laughing] Rick: Oh god... This is so wrong... It's too much! Tsuneo: I never thought I could see something so sad that is so funny! Voice: Do you guys mind? [They eventually settle down] > then looked at Eva-01, and then straightly in each other's eyes. Rebecca: [Gendo] I've been a bad evil genius. > Gendo had a sorry look while Shinji didn't know what to think or say. Dan: [Shinji] Damn, he's apologised. Now what am I meant to do? > "I forgive you, father..." said Shinji as suddenly, Gendo hugged Shinji like the > hug of a father's love for a son. All: Aww... > Gendo then told Shinji his plan about > crucifying all Evas in Terminal Dogma as the 3rd Children approved. Tsuneo: [Gendo] Like I needed your approval. > About three days later... Dan: About three days? Rick: Okay, two. Happy? > Nerv HQ... > "You're gonna what???" said Tom. > "You heard us, crucify all Evas in Terminal Dogma, they represent too much of a > danger!" said Dr. Akagi. Tsuneo: So why did they wait? Rebecca: It was the weekend. Shinji and Gendo were out shooting hoops. [Snigger] > "But, I like my god damn Eva!!!!" said Tom, Rick: [Tom] I even had it custom painted way back in chapter one! Dan: Tough luck, it's not like it's even yours. Rebecca: Does Toji get a say in this? Tsuneo: Toji? What does he have to do with unit-03? > "God damnit, this isn't cool! Rick: It's not even moderately neato. > But it is true that Evas are very dangerous..." Dan: So why don't you just slap big warning signs all over them? Tsuneo: They're safe as long as no-one tries to activate them. > "O.K. now we're going to explain you what we're going to do... Rebecca: Pay attention folks, for this is the plot. Tsuneo: At last. > First we all of you > to go to Terminal Dogma with all your Evas.." explained Ritsuko. "You're going > to grab the Lance of Longinus, and fix it right in the middle of the huge > pentagram that we made in Terminal Dogma. Dan: [Ritsuko] We're going to throw in some random symbology while we're at it. > Since we repaired Eva-04 so that we could accomplish the plan. Rick: So you rebuilt it just so you could seal it away? Why? Dan: 'Cause you can't have a pentagram with only four EVAs. > Each Eva is going to be on one edge of the pentagram. Tsuneo: Don't you mean point? Rick: Edge, point, what's the difference? > Eva-01 at the peak, Eva-03 right at its right, Eva-00 at its left, Eva-02 down > left and Eva-04 in front of it. Rebecca: Take notes, people. This will all be in the test. > At its edge, a cross with the color of the Eva > lies. Each Eva will be crucified on it and maintained in position by the Lance > of Longinus. When all Evas will have put the Lance in place and taken their > places, the entry plug will be ejected and taken out while we use all of our > carrying machines to crucify each Eva with nails made of the same material as an > Eva's armor so that they can contain the AT Field of the Lance of Longinus and > paralyse the Evas. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Everyone get that? [They all nod] Good. > Each edge of the pentagram represents one of the barons of > darkness(Evas) : the peak, The Baron of Hell(Eva-01), Rick: Elroy to his friends. > down right, The Baron of Destruction(Eva-03), Dan: Yup, that's Tom all right. > to the left, The Baron of Rebecca: The psuedo-pickles you get in Mcdonalds' burgers. > Hatred(Eva-00), down left, the Baron of Terror(Eva-02) Rick: Surprisingly appropriate. > and to the right, the Baron of Sins (Eva-04). Tsuneo: Oh, that's funny. He makes up brand new symbolism for each EVA while completely missing their origins. This guy is even more of a moron than I thought. > But before the main room of Terminal Dogma where all Evas will be > crucified, there is a small room with a red floor where a gold atlar lies. Dan: Where'd that come from? Rebecca: Didn't you know, it was always there. > There will be put the Blade of Souls, just like Excalibur in its rock. Tsuneo: Just to bludgeon the readers with a bit more random symbolism. > Tom will take care of that. Rick: [Ritsuko] Just because. > Children, let's go!!!" finished Ritsuko. > "Hai!" answered all Children. Rebecca: We're all excited that we're giving up our EVAs! > All of the Children got in their Evas as they were brought down to Terminal > Dogma. Tom grabbed the Blade of Souls and watched the other Evas get in the main > room. Eva-03 walked up to the gold atlar and swang the Blade over his head Rick: The good old swang. It just wouldn't be Delta without a few completely fabricated words. > and > violently slammed it into the atlar making the Blade of Souls piercing through > in a perfect right angle. Dan: Why so forceful? Rebecca: [Tom] I've got to! It's a an action fic without any action! It's sci-fi without any science! At least if I'm violent, people won't think it's a Disney movie. > Tom watched as the sword glew with red light Tsuneo: Preheat sword to 200 degrees. > and then stopped. Rick: Well that was pointless. > Tom walked in the main room with the others and saw a huge pentagram on > the floor made with blackrock. Dan: Okay, so what's blackrock? Rick: Oh, simple. Well it's a rock, you see, that's black, hence the name blackrock. Dan: You don't know, do you? Rick: Neither does he. > At each edge, he saw a huge cross with the size of an Eva and its color. Rebecca: It's handy that they just had these lying around. > "Well, I guess this is our last Eva mission, I liked those machines but well, > see ya Eva-03..." said Tom. Dan: [EVA-03] I'm not a machine, dammit! Tsuneo: [Tom] Sure, they caused incalculable death and destruction, but I'm going to glorify them anyway. > "Yeah, the last time we're in an Eva now..." said Shinji as they went to grab the > Lance of Longinus on the far right. Rick: [Shinji] I for one am not going to miss it. > They brought it in the middle of the > pentagram and slammed it by its edge(not the blade) Tsuneo: I think he means the point. Rebecca: Edge, point, same thing. > in the middle of the > pentagram. The AT Field of the Lance made it bounce up and let it float straight > on top of the pentagram. Dan: I'm assuming that was meant to happen. > "Perfect..." said Gendo. Rick: [Gendo] Those fools are falling right into my trap. Rebecca: [Fuyutski] Is this an appropriate juncture for some diabolical laughter, sir? > All Evas walked back and got in the exact position the Evas were supposed to > take on each cross. Tsuneo: Does that include the elevation? > Their entry plugs were ejected and taken out as carrying > flying machines came near each Eva piercing each Eva's hand, and pierced both > legs together just like Jesus Christ on his cross, and one nail was pierced > right into each Eva's Core. Dan: Since when did Tom get so heavily into run-on sentences? Rebecca: Since when were their cores visible and exposed? Tsuneo: Since when has Tom actually bothered about Religious imagery in his fic? Rick: Since when have I cared? > They all got in a safe position as the Lance glew to > a bright light and all the energy flew into the nails making each Eva glow and > as the souls of each Eva flew into the Lance. Rebecca: This is the part of the fic we call "make it up as we go along." > The whole room was now covered by > the AT light as everything went back to normal except that every Eva and the > Lance were now glowing of a bright white light. Rick: So that's completely normal except that it isn't normal in the slightest? > On the gold circle around the > pentagram, a circular light going up to the roof was lighting around all Evas > and the Lance. Dan: It's called a spotlight. Get used to it. > All Children starred at it a long time Tsuneo: Well I'm all choked up. Let's go get ice cream. > before going back up to Central Dogma. Once up there... > "Well, I guess it's over for all Evas..." said Tom as he looked down then up and > said : "But no more muthafuckin' Invadors or Angels!!!!" as everyone cheered. Rick: Wouldn't it be really funny if they'd made a gross miscalculation on the number of Invadors right about... Now. > About two years later... Dan: About? Rebecca: Give or take a season. Tsuneo: In the meantime... Rick: Hikari and Kensuke eloped, Fuyutski died and nobody noticed, Ritsuko went into business pressing out clones for specialty orders, Shinji and Rei had triplets and the Dolphin started shipping. > September 13th, 2022... > Tom was wearing a suit again and yelled : > "God damnit!!! A suit again!!! Fuckin' shit!!!" Rebecca: Sorry Tom, but there are some occasions to which a T-shirt and jeans are not appropriate wear. > "Yeah, but this time, Tom, it's for your own wedding..." said Shinji. > "Oh... yeah..." responded Tom. Dan: [Tom] Whoops, I kinda forgot I was getting married. > "Look, Tom, it ain't that bad!!" said Shinji Dan: Pen-Pen likes it. Rick: The Prime Minister's attending? > as Rei and Asuka walked in. Rei was > carrying the two year old Lyn on her back. He had brown hair and brown eyes, > just like Shinji's mother but he had the face of Rei. Tsuneo: So he looks just like Yui? Rebecca: Poor kid looks like more of a girl than his dad. Rick: And his name's Lyn. Strangely appropriate. > "Such a cute baby..." said Asuka as the baby held one of her fingers. Rebecca: Isn't it adorable the way he tries to start Third Impact in his cot? > "Thanks, Asuka!!" said Rei as Misato and Kaji walked in. Three year old Mana was > walking near her. Rick: I don't even want to think about what that kid's going through by now. Dan: She keeps on having visions of this chunk of airborne real estate. > "Whoa, the baby has grown up!" said Tom as he kneeled near Mana, "Hey, what's > up?" Rebecca: [Mana] Dis big floating island. Tsuneo: [Mana] They want me to pilot dis Trident thing. Rick: Just admit you wasted money on that dog. Tsuneo: Never! > "Hi, Mr. Dyron..." said the girl. Tsuneo: [Mana] That man's an idiot. > "Mr. Dyron???" said Tom as Shinji and Kaji laughed. "Call me Tom!" > "Yes, Mr. Tom Dyron, sir..." said Mana. ' Rebecca: Even the kid's kissing up to him. Sucks, huh? Dan: How did Misato and Kaji's kid learn to be so polite? Shouldn't she be able to belch the national anthem by now? > "Huh..." said Tom. > "O.K. Tom!" said Mana. > "That's better!!!" responded Tom as heard Rei's baby say "T... Tom...". > "Whoa! Can your baby talk, Rei??" asked Asuka. Dan: Well, the guy is two years old, so you'd assume so. > "Yeah, kinda..." said Rei as she let the baby down. > "Hell... hello..." said the baby. Tom mumbled "He said hell..." as Asuka punched Tom > on top of the head. Rick: [Asuka] Silence in my presence, worm! > "Itai!!" said Tom loudly. > "My name is Asuka." said Tom's bride as she walked near the baby. Rebecca: [Lyn] Hello, old hag. > "As... Asuka..." said Lyn. Dan: [Asuka] Yeah, that's my name. Learn to worship it. Tsuneo: For such supposedly close friends, you'd think they would have met each other's kids by now. > Tom, Shinji and Kaji in their corner. Rebecca: At a combined weight of 463 pounds... > "God damn, that's having kids!! Holy crap!" said Tom. > "You know, it ain't that bad!" said Kaji. Dan: [Kaji] Well, at least the bit that I get to do. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > "If you say so!" responded Tom thinking Kaji was bullshitting him. Rick: How much time do you reckon Kaji actually spends looking after his kid? Be honest. > Now was the wedding time... Tsuneo: Everyone gotten your temper tantrums, hissy fits and last-minute hysterics out of the way? Good. > Asuka and Tom walked down the aisle accompanied by > Shinji and Rei. Once they got there, Tom fell asleep thinking the ceremony was > totally boring. Dan: Why else do you think Asuka bought the taser? Rebecca: Trust a guy like that to wreck his own wedding. Tsuneo: Er, Tom? You do realise that this ceremony is about two people? > Shinji smacked him hard as Tom woke up. Rick: Is this a wedding or a stage show? Rebecca: Oh no, wait, I got it. this is the version they're sending in to America's Lamest Home Videos. > "Wha???" mumbled Tom. "Oh, right, my wedding, whateva you say Mr. Priest, I > agree!!" Dan: Did he really say it that loud? Rick: By this point, Asuka's already left the building. > Tom waited for the preacher to be done as he kissed Asuka before the preacher > was done saying "You may kiss the bride." Tom yelled again "SUITS TIGHTEN THE > DAMN BALLS, I AM SUEING WHOEVER CREATED SUITS!!!" Rick [Asuka]: What?! You dare ruin the great Asuka's wedding?! WA-TAK! I want a divorce! > About two months later, Dan: Hikari returned unannounced and Kensuke begged forgiveness. > Asuka said that she was pregnant. > August 09th, 2023... Rebecca: In the meantime... Tsuneo: Gendo moved to Brazil and tried to claim Nerv as a religion for tax reasons, Hyuga, Aoba and Maya rocketed to the top of the charts, Ritsuko accidentally created Gamera in her lab, Toji and Hikari got married but nobody noticed and John continued to be special. Rick: Yeah, where is John in all this? > Shinji and Rei busted in the room with John Rick: Oh, there you go. Dan: Poor bastard's been demoted to scene filler. > as soon as they heard the good news. Rebecca: [Rei] He's dead! Hooray! > Kaji and Misato soon got in. Tom looked like a dead man Tsuneo: So I guess DoD have been reduced to just doing covers of old KISS numbers. > with the terrible look on his face. Rebecca: [Tom] I need to go! > But then he held the baby. Dan: [Tom] Hey guys. I've finally got one of my own. > "It's a boy!!!!" screamed Tom. > "Yeah, our baby boy..." said Asuka. > "What's his name??" asked John, Rei and Shinji. Rick: You know, Tom is the kind of person to call his kid "Balls." > "I thought a long time about this, Rebecca: [Tom] I've decided on Tom Jr. > and since I'm a hard rock singer and that's the way I live Dan: [Tom] I'm going to be subjecting him to it from a young age. Rebecca: so the kid's going to grow up in an environment of toilet bowls, trashed hotel rooms, illegal substances, barnyard animals and other groupies. > and that Trent Reznor started my career, his name is Trent, Trent > Dyron!" said Tom. Rick: [Asuka] Excuse me! What about me? Don't *I* get a say in his name? WA-TAK! > The baby had piercing blue eyes like his mother but black as > night hair like his father. Rebecca: And the mark of Toren upon his shoulder. > "Congratulations!!!" said Kaji and Misato. > A few days later... Rick: During which, Pen-Pen was elected president of the world. > At Tom's apartment... Tsuneo: Once again, it's those little missing details that get you. > Shinji, Asuka, Rei and Tom were sitting on a coach, Dan: What, there's a bus in this place? > the two babies were sleeping... > "God damn..." said Tom, " What a life, I'm 22 now, whoohoo!!!" All: So what? > "So are we all, except Asuka!!" said Shinji. > "I know, but just gotta wait for four months!" said Asuka. > "Who cares anyways who's oldest since I am!" said Tom, Dan: [Tom] As long as I get to be better than you, that's fine. > "but we beat the Invadors and Angels so, it's great. Rick: [Tom] I mean, that was all four years ago, but never mind. > We're all married and have kids. Tsuneo: I seem to recall Asuka saying something about never wanting to have kids. > John is still with > Jeynna and I wonder when he's gettin' the ring around his ringfinger..." Dan: Because dammit, everyone in the civilised world gets married to their first girlfriend. Rick: Bitter, Dan? Dan: Yeah, right. > "I wonder too, it's been years that they've been together..." said Rei. Rebecca: She's just doing it to spite you, Tom. Rick: Nah, she just wants to be special too. > "Anyways, it's his life!" said Tom. Tsuneo: What, the one you tried to mess up by chasing off his girlfriend? Dan: All this time and he's still bitter? What a small, pathetic person you are. > "Yeah, you're right, Tom!" said Shinji, "Remember when we were just 16, Tom?" Rick: An awful lot happened when they were sixteen. > "Yeah, I remember the day I met all of you guys and that you bumped into me when > I was skating. Nice way to meet, huh?" said Tom. All: No. > "Yeah... and then, I met Tom at Nerv HQ for his synchro tests..." said Rei. Dan: [Rei] Even then, I had a feeling of impending doom. > "And when we all met when we were 14..." said Shinji, Rick: [Shinji] And we didn't need you. > "But Tom wasn't here so that > we could form the Brady Bunch..." as everyone laughed. Tsuneo: Yes, I can really see Shinji making a reference to 1960s American culture. Dan: Notice how they don't mention meeting John. Rebecca: [Shinji] Of course, back then I was introverted and torn between my fear and my duty, Asuka was superior and overconfident, Rei was quiet and reclusive but we all got over it, thanks to you! > "What a life we had..." said Tom, "But finaly we have a normal one!" Dan: That's right, getting married to a half-clone of your mother and having kids while you're still both teenagers is normal! > "I don't know why, but I think we should go at the cliff, like good ol' days!" > said Tom. Dan: [Shinji] Let's throw him off! > "Yeah, I think that would be great... let's hope the babies don't wake up!" said > Shinji. Rick: So what, are you just going to leave them there on their own? > "Whatever, yours is three, Shinji, mine is only eight days old... but anyways, > nothing will happen!" Rebecca: Apparently they are. Tsuneo: Folks, these are not model parents here. Take note. > "Yeah, I know, we just worry too much!" said Shinji. Dan: No, you're concerned for your kids. It's what parents do. Well, other people's parents. Rebecca: I don't want to know about your problems, Dan. > They took their motorcycles like "ol'" days and rushed to the cliff. Tsuneo: Hey look, you can still see Jeff's decomposing carcass. > There, > which didn't surprise Tom and Shinji at all, they saw John smoking a cigarette. > As they all walked up silently and sat next to him... Rick: [John] Back off, man. I'm brooding. > "Hey guys..." said John. > "Where's yo' woman??" asked Tom. Rebecca: Go on, Asuka. Peg him off the cliff for that one! > "She stayed home, and I wanted to go for a while anyways..." answered John. > "Oh..." said Asuka. Dan: [Tom] What are you looking so down for? Tsuneo: [John] Why? Because you get to hitch up with a major EVA character, and all I get is your cast-offs. And I don't get to be special anymore. > "You gonna get married with her?" asked Tom. Rick: Well it would be hard for them to get married without her. > "I might, still thinking about it..." responded John as those were his last words > that night. All he did was starring at the stars. Rebecca: [John] Go on, have your big scene. It's not like I'm important or anything. Dan: Do you ever get the feeling they just don't like him? > "When I think about all we went through... Angels, Invadors, fighting Evas, not > being normal teenagers, god, it's terrible!" said Asuka. > "Yeah, I know..." said Rei. > "It's the way life is!" said Shinji. Rick: Oh yeah, I'm sure there are plenty of people who've had lives just like yours, Shinji. > "Everybody has a different life, we were born to save the world from those god > damn monsters that are just like us, though!" said Tom. Rebecca: No they weren't. Tsuneo: Aah... Delta's almost over, and he's still retconning. > "Guys, do you think we'll always live in peace from now on??" asked Rei and > Asuka. Dan: [Shinji] Yeah, we will. Or at least until the sequel. > Tom and Shinji looked at each other then said : All: Damn straight! > "Only time will tell..." Rebecca: Or the authour. Your choice. > That sentence could end any kind of talk... Tom had learned that. In this world, > all that matters is living and having something to live for. Having someone to > love, to live with and to depend on are the best reasons to live happy and to > have nothing to worry about. Rick: [Max the bunny] That's touching. I may weep openly. > Now that the Angels were gone, all the Children > that were now married could rest in peace... for now! Tsuneo: In case you had missed the most repeated point of the last two chapters. > End of Final Genesis(Genesis 0:26) and End of : > Neon Genesis Evangelion II : D.E.L.T.A. Invasion Dan: Roll the closing credits, and cue the end theme by a forgettable but currently fashionable pop group. [They all get up, and approach the TV with evil intent. It suddenly vanishes, and is replaced with a completely different TV.] Rick: Well what do you know, the TV retconned itself. Tsuneo: Kind of fitting, really. Dan: So.. is that really it? Rebecca: As far as I can tell, yeah. [They all resume their seats] Voice: Can I have your reviews now? Dan: What, you want us to review that steaming pile of WAFF? Voice: Well, instead I want to know what you thought of the series as a whole. In detail, I mean. Dan: Well, I was always impressed by the copiously stupid fight scenes. Now this is clearly meant to be an action fic. I mean, there's a requisite of at least one fight scene per chapter, and most chapters have two or more. But for all that... Well, the fights never seem to actually accomplish anything. I admit I'm not the most perceptive guy around, but it seemed to me in EVA that each battle was meant to develop the story or the characters some more, and I kinda liked that. Except in Delta, the fights are only there for the sake of fighting. It's almost like an interruption in the rest of the story, except that, well... Rebecca: There isn't really much story to interrupt? Dan: Yeah. Tsuneo: I know I've said it before, but especially after that chapter it has to be said. the absolute worst part of that fic was the characters. And I don't mean the way the EVA characters were written. Admittedly, the way they essentially lost all distinctiveness did hurt, but that wasn't nearly as bad as the new characters. First of all, there's Tom. And the fic is all about Tom, so there's no avoiding him. He's repulsive, obnoxious, ridiculously good at everything and treats everyone around him like dirt, yet they all bow down and worship him for no reason. And then there's John. While he may be special, he still doesn't have anything to do with the story. It's almost as if the authour had this neat idea for a new character, then couldn't think of what to do with him, and finally got sick of him and essentially wrote him out. And for all that, John doesn't even have any personality to speak of. He's bland, boring and uninteresting. Rick: But in a special way. Tsuneo: Yeah, I'll admit that. And on top of all that, we have the stupid reams of peripheral characters. Jeff, the world's worst assassin. Charles, John's self-duplicating brother, crazed commando, spaceship passenger and computer programmer. Mike, Tom's buddy who's only there to reinforce how bad Jeynna is for not liking Tom, Tom's uncle, the disposable relative, and so on. But for some reason, Jeynna sticks out above them all. She is in the fic for no reason than to be yelled at and abused by Tom Dyron. Are we meant to enjoy this? No. Are we meant to cheer for Tom to do this? No. Is this some sort of petty revenge from the authour on some girl who doesn't like him? Probably. But then again, I guess it was silly of me to think that fiction is meant to be for other people. Rebecca: After thirteen chapters of DELTA, I've got lots to say. "GAH" starts if off quite well, I think. There were probably two things that got me the most in this fic. The first was the story, or more to the point, the lack thereof. For the most part, each chapter had a generic storyline. Tom does cool stuff, Invadors come, fight scene, Tom hacks into NERV's computers to find out something, Ritsuko makes an important discovery, there's a Toad Elevating Moment and Shinji says "damn straight". The order varies and there's the occasional change of setting, but for the most part they're all the same. Even then, the story of the chapter is handled mainly in bits of exposition from Tom and Ritsuko, rather than any actual advancement in the story. And as Dan commented, the fight scenes don't really add much to the story at all. Rick: And that's just the first thing, right? Rebecca: Right. The other thing that gets me is the writing. Simply put, DELTA is one of the worst written fics I've ever seen. First there's his use of the word "the." The NERV. The SEELE. The Justice. You get the picture. Then, of course, there's the spelling. The first thing that comes to my mind is the most infamous misspelling, the dreaded Invadors. However, there's plenty more where that came from. Then there's the new words, like "swang" and "glew". Just to make it all worse, the grammar is terrible, especially during the fight scenes. Either this series wasn't edited or checked at all, or the authour's grasp of the English language is somewhat limited. Rick: Sales are slipping. I think I'll make the female lead's outfit skimpier. Dan: Is that it? Rick: Yup. Tsuneo: Well that is the proverbial It for Delta Invasion. Rebecca: You know, it's funny. Delta is the last fic I'd expect to end in a heap of WAFF. Dan: You just can't pick it. Rick: Well, you could for the other twelve chapters. Tsuneo: So essentially, as far as I can tell the entire point of Delta Invasion- Rebecca: Apart from glorifying the amazingness of Tom Dyron. Tsuneo: Was to ensure all the characters- Dan: Even a dead one. Tsuneo: Wind up with a nice, happy ending. Rick: Or at least as happy as being married to Tom could be. Rebecca: So in other words, it's just like Good Life, but extra long and gory. And with Tom. Dan: Yeah. Isamu's almost as special as John. Tsuneo: You know, that is really disturbing. Rebecca: Too right. I need to get out of here. Rick: Yeah, we've messed this place up enough already. Voice: I'll say. Dan: Damn straight! Rebecca: Don't ever say that again. [They depart. The screen goes blank] Voice: What am I going to do next? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley & Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > "Finaly, we can live a normal life!!" said Rei.