------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no... um... 52. I think. We've got lots of things happening at once. Anyway, Delta Invasion is back wheather you like it or not. But this time it's worse. Jamie Jeans: I believe that this Tom guy is actually Mike Franklins protege. Who else would write such a boring SI? Thank god I have some good riffers to work through on this... and tons of coffee. If not, then I might have fallen asleep by now through sheer boredom. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II Delta is copyright someone who didn't even put their own name on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Dan, Rebecca and Tsuneo are sitting on the couches.] Tsuneo: So why does EVA always cop it? Dan: Whaddya mean? Tsuneo: Why does EVA get so many SIs? Dan: Um... dunno. Maybe it's the cute girls? Tsuneo: True, but that doesn't explain all of them, does it? Then why doesn't something like El Hazard or Project A-Ko get more SIs? Rebecca: Hmm... You also notice that most of the EVA SIs are rather different from the mold. I mean, rather than being god-powerful, they're usually so perfect and superior. Tsuneo: You're right. So far we've only had two super-powered EVA SIs, and they were the exception rather than the rule. [The doorbell rings.] Dan: I'll get it. [He gets up and walks over to the door.] [Suddenly, 'Duel of the Fates' cues up and the door swings open, revealing Darth Maul standing in the hall way. He takes his hood off and ignites his Lightsaber staff before running into the apartment. He then proceeds to chase Dan around, swinging the lightsaber staff at him.] Rebecca: Looks like Dan has finally pushed somone too far. Tsuneo: What do you reckon it was? Rebecca: Hmm... could be he's been hanging around Maul's sister. Tsuneo: Could be. I wouldn't put it past him to go after a girl with red and black skin, pointed ears, no hair and horns. Rebecca: Sounds about right. Now where were we? Tsuneo: EVA SIs. Rebecca: Oh, yeah. I guess it's because a lot of people are dissatisfied with the ending of EVA. Tsuneo: I guess... Actually that would explain a lot. You notice how most of them have come in late in the series or even after it's finished. Rebecca: So they can change things, right? Good one. Dan: AARGH! Tsuneo: Do you reckon we should help him? Rebecca: Him? Naahh... Tsuneo: Fair enough. Rebecca: So why are EVA SI's so different? Tsuneo: Working along that line... I guess it's because the characters are so flawed. Rebecca: You can say that again. Tsuneo: You know what I mean! The problem is, they don't seem to realise how important it is to the series that the characters are weak and flawed people. Rebecca: And it explains why you get so ticked off at them. Darth Maul: And this is for all of those comments in Cuel Lina's Thesis Part three and that Pokemon/Tenchi crossover! Dan: Wha? Rebecca: The Sith are reading MSTings now? Tsuneo: Hell, they're probably looking for fics to use in the conquest of the Republic. Rebecca: Darth Sidious and TV's Maul? Tsuneo: Careful. You'll probably give somone ideas. [Dan trips over] Dan: No! I'm sorry! Whatever it was I'm sorry for it! Just don't kill me! Please don't kill me! [Darth Maul stops, grins and reaches to his neck, yanking off a mask to reveal Samantha smiling. 'Duel of the Fates' stops.] Samantha: Gotcha! [tosses the mask onto the kitchen table] Man, I've always wanted to do that! Dan: Aaaak! Rebecca: Good to see you, Sam. Samantha: Hi Rebecca. Dan: Aaahhhhh... Hi. Tsuneo: Nice costume. Where'd you get it from? Samantha: Oh this? Well, with the big Star Wars craze, someone decided to write a crossover. Unfortunately they couldn't afford to hire the guy who originally played Darth Maul, so they asked me to slap a mask on and play the part! I get this lightsaber thing and do cool fight scenes with Tenchi. Plus the pay is good. Tsuneo: Tenchi/Star Wars crossover... makes sense. I think. Actually, no it doesn't. What am I thinking of? Rebecca: Some people will write anything. Case in point: Cruel Lina's Thesis. Tsuneo: Please don't mention that. Rebecca: Sorry. Dan: Jeez Sam! You scared me half to death! Rebecca: I think that was the point. Dan: But you could have killed me with that thing! Tsuneo: Come on Dan. Do you think she would have bought a real Lightsaber in here? Samantha: Yeah! This thing is harmless... see? [Samantha passes the lightsaber through one end of a couch, her eyes going wide as it cuts right through it, burning the fabric slightly.] Samantha: Uh... I'll just put this down... [turns the lightsaber staff off and places it on the table.] Rebecca: Yeah. Okay. Voice: Good morning everyone. Samantha Good morning, Dark side of the Force. Rebecca: Cut to the point, Head. What's the hurt? Voice: I've got a treat for you today- Tsuneo: Bad. Voice: Due to overwhelming fan demand- Rebecca: Worse. Voice: I've got the fourth chapter of Delta Invasion. All: Help. Voice: You always react like this. Dan: And you wonder why? Samantha: Considering what you send them most of the time... [They sit down. Tsuneo and Samantha are on the couch facing the TV. Dan and Rebecca are on the other couch. Dan is closest to Samantha on the corners.] Rebecca: OK Sam, here's what's happened so far. It's 2017, everyone's still alive, episodes 25 & 26 as well as the movies didn't happen, the floating island bought Kaji and EVA-00 back and there's a new kid called Tom Dyron who's the world's best everything and is probably going to boff Auska by the end of this chapter. Misato is spending all her time with Kaji and Shinji's a badass. Oh, and they're being attacked by these nutty creatures called "Invadors" who are kind of like Issei's demons but not as funny. Tsuneo: Tom will make you miss DJ. No kidding. Samantha: [blinks] Oh gods... he's that's bad? I mean... he can't really make us miss DJ, can he? [moment of silence] I'm not exactly getting the reaction I want here guys. [The TV switches on] >Genesis 0:17 : A Man's Vengeance Rebecca: One man's vengance is another man's TV show. >/Revenge of Blood Samantha: The path of Revenge leads to ones own destruction. >October 27th, 2017 Samantha: [deep] Do you know where your EVAs are? >Tom woke up last this day. He quickly took a shower and put some clothes >on. Samantha: What do you know? It's Tom's usual morning. >It was 7:30 A.M., Tsuneo: And it was a nice day for the end of the world. >he had time before going to school. Dan: He was gonna watch cartoons! Rebecca: What's the bets it'll be X-Men reruns? >He went to the kitchen to see Shinji Rebecca: And Rei and Asuka writihing around on the floor in a tangled mess. Samantha: Misato been cooking again? >cooking something, Dan: [The Rock] If you can smmmeeelll what the third child is cooking! >and Rei and Asuka sitting down. Rebecca & Samantha: *Plop.* >Tom walked in and sat down. Samantha: Wow! Damn... hey guys? How the heck do you keep up with this fast paced action?! Tsuneo: Caffiene helps. Otherwise I'd be asleep by now. >"Hi everyone!"said Tom. All: Hi Dr. Nick! >"Hey Tom!" responded Shinji, Rei and Asuka. Samantha: Who's been tossing the sugar into their coffee? >Asuka got up and welcomed Tom with a long kiss. Samantha: Yuck... SI gets luckey. Tsuneo: Oh, Asuka's already declared her utter undying love for the man who upstages her every five minutes. [Samantha stares at him in utter disbelief.] Yeah, I know. Samantha: Hoo boy... this is gonna be a long fanfic. >They all ate their breakfasts, Rebecca: Reheated frozen warmed-up thawed baked mush. Yum. >packed their lunch Dan: And their guns. >made yesterday by Tom, Tsuneo: Tom Dyron: Kickboxing champion, greatest EVA pilot ever, master hacker and caterer! >and hopped on their motorcycles. Dan: [Yawns] Even the caffeine isn't helping with this *intense* scene. Samantha: [singing] Looking for a runway, head out on the highway! >They arrived at school five minutes early and Kensuke and Touji ran Tsuneo: Uh, Toji? You've only got *one* leg. Sorry. Rebecca: Oh, I think the Floating Island cured that too. Samantha: Should I even ask? >to Shinji and Tom yelling "We have an idea guys!" Samantha: it's how to get rid of the SI. First off we- Oh, hey Tom! Didn't see you there! How you doing? Heh heh... >"Look, Tom, Kensuke got a super idea, Rebecca: [Lisping] A thimply thmashing thuper-duper idea! >listen!" Touji yelled in excitement. Samantha: Today the role of Touji will be played by Mihoshi. Let's see if anyone notices... >"Yeah, I do, Tom, you know like you're the strongest guy in school..." said >Kensuke. Dan: [Cartman] That's right. Tom Dyron kicks ass! Samantha: While everyone else kisses his. >"Yeah, so?" answered Tom. Tsuneo: [Tom] Feed my ego. Now! >"Well, we made something, we have a ring, Rebecca: Those two *have* been busy! >and we're gonna do something. Samantha: Mortal Kombat! >You're gonna fight people... for money. Every person you beat will have to >pay you 30 yens, if you lose, you pay the person 45 yens, and if it's a >draw, no money won." Tsuneo: [Sniggering] 45 Yen for a win... Oh, god, that's funny. Rebeccas: Okay, that's about 42 Australian cents or 27 American cents... Some prize. Risk life and limb for loose change. Samantha: And that's about 56 cents Canadian... *sighs sadly* >"Dat sounds good since it involves money, you're on!!" responded Tom. Dan: [Tom] Me hears magic word "money." Me not know anything else. >"And Shinji, Touji and I get 50% and share it, deal?" said Kensuke Samantha: I take it that Kensuke didn't do too well in math, did he? After all, three fifties make one hundred and fifty. Rebecca: I see they went to the Vincent McMahon school of management. >as he showed Tom his hand. Samantha: [Tom] Yup! It's a hand! >Tom shook it and said "Deal". >The deal started a Saturday. Tsuneo: Funny, I thought dawn generally started a Saturday. >Fourty people got in line to fight Tom Dan: Is that all? I mean, with so many Tom haters out there... >one after another with a 5 minute time limit. Samantha: Five minutes? I could take him out in ten seconds. One good kick to the crotch... Dan: *Ahem* Mally *Ahem.* Samantha: Ah! I see Dan wishes to help me demonstrate. >The presentaion started... Kensuke walked up and said : Rebecca: [Kensuke] Hit the avatar! 50 *yens* a try! >"Welcome people, this the Dan: [Kensuke] "Job to Feed Tom's Ego" contest. >"Free Style Fighting Challenge". Every time someone wins, Tsuneo: It's an act of God. >he gets 45 yens and has the choice to replace Tom, if he wants to, Samantha: Or if he's just plain stupid. >he has to beat Tom in a rematch. If Tom wins, you owe him 30 yens. Dan: Sounds offhand like someone's getting screwed here. Rebecca: I'd say *everyone's* getting screwed here. >Tom >stands at 6'3" 1/2 , and weighs 218lbs, he is an american kickboxing state >champion. Tsuneo: I thought he was a world champion earlier. Dan: He's both, of course. Rebecca: Say, which state? I mean, after Second Impact, it could be dead easy to be the Florida state champion. >People, let's get ready to RUUUUMMMMMBBBBBLLLEEEE!!!!!!!" Samantha: Michael Buffer immediately runs into the ring and hits Kensuke for stealing his schtick. >The 40 people went one by one against Tom and all of them lost. [Samantha facefaults... hard.] Samantha: Uh... just like that?! Oh come on! At least TRY to put some action into this story! Tsuneo: You don't want to see the action scenes when he actually writes them. Trust me on this one. >They earned 1200 yens that day and Tom was exhausted. Rebecca: Especially his right hand. It got the workout of his life. >Every single person gave up or got knocked out. All: Of course. >Kicks to the face, pressure holds, wrestling moves, Samantha: Boots to the head, hits to the crotch, jabs to the eyes, *mace* to the eyes... >like they said, "anything goes". Dan: Of course, the chainsaw was rather surprising. Rebecca: Hey, was there a panda amongst the challengers? Just wondering. >When Tom, Shinji, Rei and Asuka came back >home, Misato wasn't home again, she was out with Kaji. Samantha: And showing him exactly HOW she got the job she does. >"Hey, with all the money I earned, which means 600 yens, I'm taken all you >out to dinner like last time." said Tom. Tsuneo: Umm... With 600 yen you could afford maybe one sushi roll. Between you. At a cheap resturant. Dan: Anything else? Tsuneo: You could look at the chopsticks. >"Whoohoo!!" yelled Rei, Asuka and Shinji in joy. Tsuneo: [Rei] Yippe kay yay. Woo-ha. Rebecca: Rei's so excited, she's almost suicidal. Dan: Are you kidding? With what Tom's doing to her, they've got to be at like, Rei 15 or something. >They decided to go to a chinese restaurant and got the special(little >pieces of everything on the menu). Samantha: Heh, their order comes in and it's bits of plastic and paper in bowls of liquid ink. >They started eating and drinking. They remembered that the school was >having a dancing party that night and they needed someone to play the >music. Dan: Well that was real smart. This school's organisational skills are right up there with Misato's. >Tom went back home to pick up his guitar and went to the party with >Rei, Shinji and Asuka. Rebecca: Rei Ayanami: Party animal. [Everyone except Tsuneo breaks up laughing.] >Tom went on stage and started playing some hard rock from the 1990s. Samantha: Unfortunately, for Tom, someone HAD a hard rock and clocked him one on the head with it. Tsuneo: How about something a bit more modern? Say, something not 20 years old? Rebecca: At least it isn't the Thrashing Gonberts. >Rei, Shinji and Asuka were dancing like crazy. Dan: You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better than that! Samantha: Be thankful MechaCrash isn't here with his Flaming Ass Dance(tm). Tsuneo: One of the big "I don't want to knows" of history. >Tom then let somebody play >for one slow dance because he wanted to give that dance to Asuka. The 6th >Children Samantha: Sixth Children? Tom comes in six packs now? >walked near Asuka and asked "Will you give me this dance?" and Asuka >answered Dan [Auska]: Eww! Boy germs! >"Of course I will." and Asuka went in Tom's arms Rebecca: Oh that's just disgusting, Asuka! Dan: Nene pissed at Mackie. Out pooped Sailor Mercury. >as they started dancing >slowly like two lovers. Rei and Shinji went at it too. Samantha: Hah hah, those horny little kids and their public orgies. >At the end of the song Asuka and Shinji kissed passionately and so did the >1st and 3rd Children. Samantha: Flat drab passion meanders across the screen! Tsuneo: Whoah... hey! Shinji's getting lucky with both Rei *and* Asuka! >When they came back home, it was 1:00 A.M. Since Misato wasn't home, they >decided to separate just for one night. Shinji and Asuka went in a bed in >Misato's room and Rei and Shinji stayed in their usual room. Samantha: Guh!!! First they clone Rei, then they clone Shinji! Rebecca: Ol' Shin-Boy's getting really lucky tonight! >"Tom..." Asuka said, "I want you to make love to me." >"Well, if you put it this way, no problem!!" Tsuneo: [Bored] Wow. How truly romantic. Samantha: Enthusiastic little guy, isn't he? >Tom and Asuka made love that night. They looked into each other's eyes. Samantha: [Asuka] Is that all?! Man, you're pathetic. Me and Lisa Foster could go all night, but you're done in ten minutes! Tsuneo: ... Samantha: What? >"I love you." said Tom. >"I love you too." responded Asuka. Tsuneo: I'm going to be sick. >Asuka and Tom were now sleeping on each other. In the other room, Shinji >and Rei had sex too. [Samantha and Rebecca point at the screen and giggle.] Samantha: [Rei, monotone] Ohh... ohh... Shinji... do it to me baby. Rebecca [Rei]: Toothpicks. [They both break up laughing.] Dan: Shinji was found dead the next morning. Cause of death is believed to be a terminal nosebleed. >The two couples were feeling closer than ever now. Dan: You'd hope so. Rebecca: And next week, Tom and Shinji will swap! Samantha: Let's just hope we never see Tom and Shinji together. >They woke up the next day and Tom and Asuka moved back to their real room. Rebecca: Given what's in the bottom of the cupboard, I thought they would have preferred Misato's room. >The two couples went to the kitchen. >"Hey Tom, had a nice sleep?" asked Shinji. Samantha: Like *he* could get any sleep what with all the loud, passionate love making from Rei and Shinji's room. [breaks down laughing] >"A little rough!" joked Tom. Rebecca [Auska]: What? You dare critisise the Great Auska's skills in bed? WA-TAK! >They all laughed together. Samantha: OHO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!!! Tsuneo: Carefull, Samantha. We've already done the EVA/Slayers thing. Samantha: Oh? I was wondering why Lina was complaining about having to wear a plugsuit the other day. >Tom cooked something and looked at the time. >"Rough night, rough day... I got 40 people to take out today!" Rebecca: One night and Tom thinks he's good enough to charge for his "services." >"Yup." responded Shinji, "we gotta be there in two hours." Samantha: [Shinji] Wouldn't want to miss the massacre! >Two hours later, Tom and Shinji were there and the "Free Style Fighting >Challenge" continued. 40 people showed up again, and Tom beat them up one >by one Tsuneo: [Bored] Wow. I never would have guessed. >until the 40th came. He was 6'10", 298lbs and Dan: Wearing a pink floral frock. >a total muscle mass. Samantha: Mah gawd! It's Kane! [pause] Hit him with the tombstone! No, wait, Tom might like that. >Tom looked at him in the eyes and said : Samantha: [Tom, cringing] Mommy... >"You asshole, you killed my father!!!" Dan: And who can blame him? If only he'd done the job a few years earlier... >"I see you remember me, Tom!" said the huge man. Rebecca: [Man] I orphan kids all the time. >"How could I forgive someone like you, Jeff, you came all the way over here >to finish the job..." Samantha: Too bad he couldn't have done it sooner. Dan: Leave him out of it, he's just here for a holiday. Samantha: No way, he failed so I'm gonna rag on him. >"And to win the "No Holds Barred Tournament" starting in a week, you can >still suscribe." Tsuneo: Spot the cleverly concealed plot point, folks. >"Good idea, I'll go there and whoop your ass officialy." Samantha: [Steve Austin] Anyone who wants to see Tom get the crap kicked out of him, give me a Hell yeah! ALL: HELL YEAH! >"Sure Tom, in your dreams, now get ready to fight!" Samantha: [singing] For your right... to parrrrrrrrty!!! >Tom and Jeff went at it. Samantha: Right then and there? God you guys, get a room. >The huge man punched Tom in the face and knocked him down. Dan: Personally, I'm cheering for Jeff. Rebecca: I don't give two pieces of monkey crap. Samantha: Tom fall down go boom. >Tom jumped back up on his feet and kicked Jeff in the stomach. Dan: All the intense fight action of Ranger Saturn, just without the humility. >The 6th >Children jumped and kicked Jeff in the back of the neck. Jeff turned >around, Rebecca: Having no-selled with the best of them. >grabbed Tom by the throat, picked him up and slammed him down. Samantha: Mah gawd! Jeff just chokeslammed Tom all the way to hell! >Jeff went for the five count pin Dan: Any reason why it's a five count? Rebecca: [British] One! Two! Five! Tsuneo: [British] Three, sir. Rebecca: [British] Three! >but Tom got back up at 3 and punched Jeff in the face, kneed him in the nuts All: TIMBER! >and flying kicked him in the chest knocking the giant down. Samantha: Paul Wight is *not* amused. Rebecca: Anyone else here think that this Jeff guy is just a thinly veiled reference to Corporate Paul Wight? >The huge man got back up and powerslammed Tom. Jeff climbed on the top rope >and splashed Tom. Samantha: Eww... the people in the first row just got splattered Tom in their eyes. >He got him in a 4 count pin. Tom got back up, Dan: Yeah, right. With the way Tom no-sells, you'd think he was Goldberg. Samantha: [Hits Dan with a cushion] Hey, I like Goldberg! >kicked Jeff on the chin, ran >in the ropes and went with a flying clothesline. Tom climbed on the top >rope and went for a flying elbow. Tsuneo: Any reason why a kickboxing champion and a professional hitman fight like pro wrestlers? Rebecca: Because Jeff *is* a thinly veiled Paul Wight. Besides, Tom know's every fighting style in the world. >He pinned Jeff for a 3 count. They both >ran in the ropes, jumped at each other with a flying kick, and got each >other right in the face. Samantha: Suddenly, Mankind jumped through the announcers table, Stone Cold Steve Austin gave the Stunner to Vince, Test finally powerbombed Shane, Sting descended from the ceiling, the NWO made a run in, a limo got hit by a hummer, Chyna nailed Val Venis in the nuts, Flair started stripping, the Machoman delivered the elbow on Kevin Nash, the WCW bookers STILL couldn't script a decent Nitro, there were nothing but screw ball endings, AND AL SNOW HIT HARDCORE HAK WITH HEAD!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!! [starts gasping for air] Dan: [Applauds] You forgot the Undertaker having a personality flip and someone pulling off Hogan's bandana. >The both fell down for a double knock out. Rebecca: Lame! >When Jeff went out of the ring he yelled : Samantha: [gasping, Jeff] I'll... be back... >"Tom, one day or another, I'll kill you!!!!!!!" Dan: Don't wait on our account. >"Go to hell you son of a bitch!!!" answered Tom. Rebecca: Issei's waiting for you. >The day was over and the Children went back home. >"I'll get that son of a bitch in the tournament!!!" Samantha: Ahh... Jeff'll be luckey if he even gets past Scorpion. >"What tournament, Tom?" asked Asuka. >"In the "No Holds Barred Championship", the tournament to be determined >best fighter in the world. Tsuneo: [Tom] Conveniently enough, it's being held in a few days time in this very city, and they've got a spare spot just waiting for me. Samantha: [Church lady] How convieeeeeent! >I am calling!!" >Tom picked up the phone. Samantha: Hello, is there a Manda Huginkiss there? [chuckles] >"Yes, I wanna suscribe for the tournament... under the name of Tom "Da Dan: Dork >Dragon" Dyron. Samantha: Ohhh... you... little... son of a... there's only one Martial artist that goes by the name of "The Dragon" and that's Bruce Lee, you annoying little twit! You probably got him spinning in his grave so much that he's gonna pop out from the sheer torque! Tsuneo: Just goes to show precisely how much he thinks of himself, huh? Samantha: Must... control... fist of... death... >Thanks, when does it start? Tomorrow at noon? Rebecca: [Tom] Why am I repeating everything you say? You don't know? Oh. >Thanks." Tsuneo: So what, just any old twerp can book a spot in this tournament? That is so stupid it's insulting. >Tom hang up Rebecca: From the ceiling in a noose! The end! >telling himself, "Dad, I'm gonna avenge you, finaly after all >these years..." >Tom went in his room and said : >"My quarter of the room is gonna be a training chamber now!" Samantha: [laughs her ass off] >He took a metal bar, and stuck it between two walls. Tsuneo: Misato's going to *love* that. Rebecca: What? He stuck it between two walls? That's either a very narrow room or a very long bar. Dan: And where'd the bar come from? Rebecca: Shinji keeps it next to him in case the boogeyman comes. [Pause] Or the Devil. >He grabbed and started doing Rebecca: The one-hand shuffle. >chin ups. He trained the rest of the evening. Push ups, pull ups, >chin ups, everything. Samantha: Focusing his SI field, cursing like Steve Austin, making idle threats... >Next day at the tournament, noon. Dan: Austin's pad, 1969. >Tom walked in with Shinji as manager, Rebecca: Read: interference. >and Rei and Asuka watched. Dan: Wearing scanty dresses that could easily be removed by the opponent's ring girl. Samantha: Get your head out of the gutter, Dan. >Tom asked one of the referees : Tsuneo: [Tom] 50 *yens* to throw the match? Rebecca: [Referee] You've got to be kidding. >"Hi, I am Tom "Da Dragon" Dyron, where should I go?" Dan: Wither and die? >"You are against "Master T", ring number 9." Samantha: Booker T hasn't been the same since going to Japan. >"Thanks." >Tom went in the waiting room for ring number 9. He heard the announcer : Tsuneo: [Announcer] State rail regrets to announce that trains are running late and out of order. Again. >"And coming to the ring, standing at 6' and weighing 185lbs, Master T!" >A pretty muscular bald black man walked in the ring. Rebecca: Wait! That's Mr. T! Dan [Mr. T]: I pitty da foo who tries to mess wit Mistah T! >"And his opponent, standing at 6'3" 1/2 and weighing at 218lbs, Tom "Da Samantha: Twit. >Dragon" Dyron!!" >Tom walked in the ring, the rules are simple, anything goes except killing >your enemy. All: Aww... Tsuneo: So dismemberment's okay then? >Master T jumped on Tom Rebecca: [Tom] Here? Now? >and tried to get him with a dropkick. Dan: Jumped *on* him for a dropkick? Nope, don't work. >Tom took a step back and dodged. Samantha: ... right into Master T's fist. Brilliant foot work there, Tommy boy! >He grabbed Master T's arm and threw him in the ropes, and got him in a >powerslam. Tom climbed on the top rope, waited for T to get back up and >dropkicked him from there. Rebecca: [Singin] Puma Man, he flies like a moron. >Tom went in the ropes and legdropped Master T on the neck. Tsuneo: [Master T] Do I even get to *try* anything here? Dan: And playing the role of Master T: Gilberg! [Samantha starts a Gillberg chant.] >Tom then grabbed him by the throat and chokeslammed him. Samantha: Kinda hard to do considering there's only three inches diffierence in their height. Dan: Besides, he isn't 6'5 or more. He isn't allowed to chokeslam. [Rebecca picks up the Gilberg chant.] >He went down for the pin. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. The 5 count was in, Tom had won. Rebecca: What a surprising outcome. >"And the winner of this match, advancing to the eight of finals, Dan: 8 of finals? Is that one of those new age tarot cards? >Tom "Da Dragon" Dyron!" said the announcer. Samantha: Suddenly, the NWO ran in and proceeded to kick the crap out of Tom. >Tom then watched the match going on in ring 1. He saw Jeff destroying a >poor guy. Jeff powerbombed the guy. The referee stopped the match because >of blood loss for Jeff's opponent. Samantha: From a powerbomb? Does Tom even WATCH wrestling? >Tom walked out of here, his next match was in two days. He heard that his >opponent was called "Snake". >The four Children got back home, Tsuneo: Four? Did the others actually go with him? Rebecca: Not that they did anything, but yeah, they did. Samantha: Well if you were one of the four children, would *you* help Tom? >Tom was tired as hell. >"Nice fight Tom, you beat the living hell out of this guy!" said Shinji. Samantha: [Shinji] If I keep stroking his ego, maybe I can appease him enough to slip away. >"This guy was nothing, Dan: [Tom] He was powerless before the mighty Tom Dyron! >if I got to the finals, Jeff will be the enemy, and >you saw, he is really something..." Tsuneo: [Tom] I mean, he fights almost as unrealistically as me! >Asuka walked by Tom and kissed him softly on the lips. Misato came back >soon. Rebecca: Misato appears in a chapter of Delta Invasion. How many drinks is that worth? Samantha: Not enough considering her co-star. >"Hey Tom, I saw you fight on T.V., that was impressive!!" Samantha: [Misato] Even though you were supposed to be fighting that angel that broke into Terminal Dogma and made away with Adam... >"Thanks." said Tom. >Tom rested all afternoon. Misato soon left the house to go downtown. Tsuneo: Heaven forbid she does anything besides stroke Tom's ego. >Rei and Shinji were doing their stuff in their room, Rebecca & Samantha: You know... stuff. >while Tom and Asuka were >sitting on the couch. Actualy, Tom was sitting on the couch, Asuka was Samantha: ... giving him a blowjob. >sitting on Tom's laps. Dan: "Laps?" Tsuneo: Well, he is the sixth "children," after all. >"Tom, please, be careful in those fights, I don't wanna have a paralysed >boyfriend." Samantha: [Asuka] It's so much more harder for me if I have to do all the work! Rebecca: Hell, she probably does all the work in bed already. >"Don't worry babe, I'll be careful." Dan: How's that for famous last words? >said Tom as he kissed Asuka's neck softly as he could. Dan: So she couldn't feel the fangs. >"I love you, Tom..." said Asuka as she kissed Tom passionately. >"I love you too!" responded Tom. Samantha: [turns to Dan] I love you Dan... I love you Rebecca... I love you people... Rebecca: Sorry about this Sam, but it's for your own good. [She whacks Samantha with a cushion] Samantha: Ow! [Shakes head] Thanks... don't know what happened there... Dan: Ah, dammit! I was about to get lucky! Samantha: Grrr... [eyes flash red] >Two days later. 5:00 P.M. No Holds Barred Championship. Tsuneo: Fog in places, chance of a shower in the afternoon and overcast by ego. >Tom arrived at the tournament very confident. Dan: 'Cause he's Tom Dyron! He's the greatest human being who ever lived! [Pause] This is really getting to me. >He asked the referee what ring he had to go to. The referee answered Samantha: [Referee] You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! >"Ring 5". Tom went in the waiting room of Ring number 5. Tsuneo: I'm sure the ring numbers are adding a great deal to this fic. >Suddenly, he saw >Ring number 1. Jeff was pounding on some middle sized guy called "Moutain >Breaker". Samantha: Poor Zangief... what a way to make a living, losing to two bit SI's... >Jeff pressslammed him out of the ring Dan: [Bad Russian accent] I can fly... Rebecca: Press slammed *out* of the ring? No, I don't want to know. >for a count out. The guy was bleeding and couldn't get up. >"Coming to the ring, standing at 6'2", weighing at 196lbs, Snake!!" Dan: You at home would know him as "Glacier." >the announcer said as a well built man Rebecca: And trust me, Tom noticed. Samantha: And so did that kid with the sword in his pants in the front row. >walked in the ring with a snake like mask on his face. Tsuneo: Notice how both of Tom's opponents to date are shorter and lighter than him. >"And his opponent, standing at 6'3" 1/2, weighing at 218lbs, Tom "Da Dragon" >Dyron. Samantha: Watch as Tom is introduced over and over again! Thrill as we get to hear his height and weight every freaking time! >Tom walked towards the ring when he saw Jeff looking at him with a demon's >look. Tsuneo: He then posed up a storm, laughed like an idiot and died in a puddle of his own gore. Samantha: I found my happy thought! Thanks! [hugs Tsuneo] >Tom jumped over the third room. Dan: Third *room?* So Tom can superleap now? Rebecca: Since when did this fight get dragged back into the change rooms? >He rushed towards Snake, tackled him, >and started pounding on his face. Snake turned it over and kick Tom in the >balls. Samantha: I see Snake's been training with Steve Austin and Oracle. Dan: How does that work if Snake's on top of him? Rebecca: That's not Snake! It's Mr. Fantastic! >Snake then gave Tom an elbow right on the chest. Dan: [Jerry Lawler] The most electrifying move in fanfiction today! >Snake jumped on Tom, but >the 6th Children lifted his legs and hit Snake on the stomach. The poor man >fell on the floor. Samantha: Why the heck is he getting pity? We're the ones watching this! >Tom ran in the ropes and gave Snake a flying neckbreaker. Tom climbed on >the top rope and got Snake with a flying elbow. Tsuneo: Tom did this, Tom did that. Do we really need to know anything else? >Tom got Snake up Rebecca: Tom's really randy this chapter, isn't he? >and threw him out of the ring. Samantha: Right through the Spanish Announcers table! >The enemy grabbed a chair Dan: There's always one handy when you need it. Tsuneo: Never mind Tom and Jeff, any reason why the world's *supposed* greatest fighters all fight like pro wrestlers? Rebecca: Because the authour couldn't even try to write other styles. >and hit Tom in the face with it. Tom fell down. Dan: Because when you hit anyone with a chair, regardless of how big and meaty they are, they automatically drop like a rock. Samantha: Dammit... how can he call himself the greatest fighter in the world if he hasn't used the BOOT TO THE HEAD(tm) yet?! >Snake got on the top rope. Tom took a hold on the chair. Snake jumped for a >splash but got it on the face while flying with a chair. Samantha: Wow... I don't know why, but just wow. >Tom threw him back in the ring and got him in the ankle hold. Rebecca: Oh, so his finisher's the Dyron Ankle lock? Dan: Somewhere, Ken Shamrock is a very angry man. Samantha: Ken Shamrock? Angry? Dan: Okay... more so than usual. >Snake tried to resist for about two minutes when he finaly tapped out. Rebecca: Tom's in his zone! >Tom got up bleeding from the mouth but victorious. Samantha: Now all he wants for Christmas is his two front teeth. >He helped Snake back up and they shook hands. Snake got out of the ring >head down, ashamed of having tapped out. Tsuneo: [Snake] I am filled with shame. Where's my paycheck? >"And the winner of this contest, advancing to the quarter of finals, Dan: So the final's a four corners match? >Tom "Da Samantha: Moron. >Dragon" Dyron." All: Yay. >Tom walked out of the ring and cleaned the blood off his face. Rebecca: The Brood had been busy. >It was now 7:00 P.M. when he got back home. Tsuneo: Just in time to watch himself on the news and stroke his ego some more. Dan: Say, did the others go with him this time? Tsuneo: Would it have mattered if they had? >He took a shower as soon as he got there. Samantha: Hey Tom, when did you get that flaming skull tattoo on your butt? >Tom then walked on the apartment's padio and took his guitar. He started >playing "Something I Can Never Have" of Nine Inch Nails. Dan: Really? I thought "Closer" would be more his style. >He got back to his room where he met Asuka. >"Tom, what's the matter, since you saw that man, Jeff, you look all weird." Samantha: I don't know, Asuka, it could have to do with the fact that Jeff killed his dad or something. >"Well, Asuka, Rebecca: [Tom] When a mummy and daddy love each other very much... >Jeff is the man that killed my father..." Dan: [Asuka] Can I get his autograph? >Tom explained as Asuka got a terrified and disgusted look, Rebecca: [Asuka] Ah, Tom... Your fly... Samantha: Toothpicks... [snickers] >"I hoped to see him for years to face him and get revenge, Tsuneo: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. >and finaly, I think that day will finaly come." Rebecca: But it can't happen until a pay-per-view. >Tom and Asuka went out of the apartment for a while. Tsuneo: Asuka took him to a nice quiet spot where no-one would ever find the body. >A few minutes later, Shinji and Rei went in the room. Samantha: You're supposed to go to the bathroom for that, you two. >Shinji grabbed Rei and kissed her passionately. Tsuneo: [Shinji] We've got a scene in this chapter without him! We've got to treasure it! >"I love you Rei." >"I love you too Shinji." Samantha: I love you, Dan... I love you, Rebecca... I love you people... [Gets beaned with a cushion by Rebecca] Ow! Thanks... Dan: Damn it Rebecca! Can't you wait another five minutes? Samantha: That's it! [Samantha dives on Dan and the couch tumbles over as Samantha proceeds to pound Dan. A few minutes later, she gets back up and sits down beside Rebecca.] Samantha: Ahh! I feel *MUCH* better! [Tsuneo peers over the back of the couch.] Tsuneo: Ouch. >"Rei, I fell madly in love with you since I saw you the 1st day I came to >the Nerv, you were terribly injured, it made me feel sorry, and that's why >I piloted the Eva. Samantha: Well, yeah, that is kinda true. Tsuneo: His characterisation of their relationship is very odd. It would be spot on if, and only if, they ever got to this point. >Then, when I went at your house the first time and felt so bad when I >accidently put my hand on your chest." Rebecca: Or at least that's what he'll say. The truth is that he enjoyed it. >"Shinji, I loved you since you opened my entry plug to save me and I smiled >at someone else than your father for the 1st time." Samantha: Isn't that supposed to be the first time she smiled? At all? [Dan clambers back onto the couch.] Dan: Jeez! Go easy next time, will ya? [Muttered] How come wonder boy gets a hug? Samantha: Because Tsuneo dosen't say perverted comments all the time. He's a gentleman. >Two hours later, Tom and Asuka came back at the apartment drunk. They >hardly walked to their beds, fell on each other, Rebecca & Samantha: Plop! >shared a drunk kiss and slept. The next day, Dan: The beauty of nature turned into ugly reality. Trust me, it ain't fun. >the Children went to school Tsuneo: A surprising rarity for this fic. >and all the students were congratulating Tom for his win the last night. Samantha: [Random student] I made a fortune betting on you! And all thanks to Nabiki, too! >"Tom, you really got him, yesterday!" yelled Kensuke. >"You were unstoppable!" added Touji. Samantha: You're mistaken. It's his ego that's unstoppable. >"Tom, you're da man!!!" screamed other students. Tsuneo: Ye gods! Is there going to be a single part of this chapter that *isn't* about stroking his ego? Samantha: Suddenly Goldberg burtst into the classroom and spears Tom! >Tom spent all afternoon signing autographs for all students and even some >teachers. Rebecca [Teacher]: Tom, can I have your autograph? You're the coolest guy I've seen since Second Impact. I remember Second Impact well... [Tsuneo clobbers her with a cushion] >When Tom got back home, he wondered how he would survive with >students like that if he won the championship... Dan: Simple, he just gets them to carry him around where he goes. >He went to the kitchen and made dinner. Samantha: You know, I like ramen noodles as much as the next guy, but when it's for breakfest, lunch, and dinner, one tends to get sick of it. >The others were still at school Tsuneo: So why'd he come home? Rebecca: He got tired of correcting the teachers. >god knows why. Samantha: They might be there to further their education or something, Tom. You might want to try it. >About thirty minutes later, Misato came back home. Samantha: She's got to be the luckiest person here. All she does is come into the apartment then leave about two or three times a day. >She went inside the kitchen, and saw Tom. Dan: No Misato, I'm afraid that's *not* the remnants of yourt last drunken fry-up. Sorry. >Osbviously something was wrong because of the look on his face. Samantha: Ohhh, *someone's* constipated to hell and back! >"Hi Tom." said Misato. >"Hey Misato..." responded Tom. Dan: [Ralf the wolf] Morning, Sam. Rebecca: [Sam the sheepdog] Morning, Ralf. >"What's wrong?" Tsuneo: I'm caught in a crappy, ego-feeding, overblown, monstrous, on-going, never-ending, self-insertion nightmare of a fanfic! Help! [He breaks up sobbing.] Rebecca: There there, Tsuneo... I'm sure it'll be over soon. Samantha: Shh... it's okay, Tsuneo. You wanna hear some anti-fic ideas? Tsuneo: [Suddenly cheery] Oh, yes please! Samantha: Later. Dan: ... >"I..." Samantha: [Tom] Uhhh... almost... out... too much... strain... *PLOP* Ahhh... >"Tom, I thought you were always honest..." Dan: Did I say that? Well, I was lying. >"O.K. Last Saturday, Kensuke, Touji, Shinji and I started a Challenge where >someone would have to beat me in order to win money and take my place, All: Intense recap action! >but, then, on Sunday, after I beat everyone that came, a 6'10" guy arrived. Rebecca: Wearing black robes, with long dark hair and an Abraham Lincon beard. >His name is Jeff, Tsuneo: He was the last commander of Babylon Five. >I'm gonna tell you my story with him." Samantha: No! It's a back track of his talk with Asuka! >Tom had a flashback that happened four years ago. Dan: Why's he telling us that he had a flashback four years ago? Rebecca: It's got to be more interesting than the rest of the fic. >Tom, a pretty tall man >with short black hair and hazel eyes that he called dad, Rebecca: Remeber Ratliff's first rule of Fanfication: The parents of the Uberkid will be convinently disposed of. Samantha: Just once, can't the Uberkid be conviently disposed of? >a guy about the size of Tom with blond hair and blue eyes(Mike), Dan: He was wearing a green jumpsuit and had two robots following him. >another boy like Tom with >brown hair and green eyes(Eric) and a tall bald man(Tom's uncle) Samantha: Oh yeah, I have a feeling Tom's Uncle is going to live a long and fruitful life. >were walking on the streets of San Francisco, when suddenly, a 7' man Tsuneo: Can't be Jeff then. He's only 6'10. >dressed with long black pants, and a blood red shirt Dan: And a black and red mask. >came to them and said: "Hello, my name is Jeff, Dan: [Jeff] And I'll be your executioner for tonight. Tsuneo: The hell? How come Jeff's lost two inches in four years? Rebecca: He's wearing stilettos here. >and I'm your worst nightmare!" Rebecca: [Tom] No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare. You don't even make the top ten. Tsuneo: So he introduces himself first? What kind of a lame-assed hitman is he anyway? Samantha: The cheap kind you hire out for a buck ninty nine. >He took out a 45mm silencer All: Whoah! Rebeccca: What's he carrying, a freaking autocannon? Samantha: I've seen shotguns with smaller diameters! Tsuneo: That's not a gun, it's just the silencer. Dan: [Tom's dad] Oh, wow. I'm being menaced by a silencer. I'm *so* scared. >and shot Eric right on the forehead, Samantha: Jeff really gets into his games of paintball. >Tom's uncle jumped on him but got shot in the mouth. He shot Tom in the >chest thinking he had him killed but Samantha: [British] He's getting better! >he hit too far on the right. He shot Mike in the right leg then, Tsuneo: So how come he can shoot two adults with pinpoint accuracy, but the kids still live? >he pointed >the gun at Tom's dad : "You're the one I was paid to kill, Dan: So why not shoot him first? Rebecca: Jeff works on Issei logic. For him, mowing down bystanders is the equivalent of posing up a storm. >but I don't want witnesses, Tsuneo: Which is why he takes his time to gloat and gun down innocents in broad daylight in a major American city. >besides, why not kill them for the fuck of it?" He shot Tom's >dad two times in the chest. Tom yelled "NO!!!!!! DAD!!!!!! ERIC!!!!" Samantha: Wow, this is so emotional. Watch me cry a river. Dan: This scene is so moving because of how much we care for [Ahem] Tom's Uncle. Rebecca: [Tom] Oh, wait... my uncle's dead too. Forgot him. >Jeff then pointed the gun at Tom's face "No Witnesses!!!!!" but he didn't >have time to shoot when the police arrived. Samantha: Damn... Rebecca: Come on, it's not that hard, just squeeze the trigger. Here, I'll do it for you. >Jeff had time to escape. Tom, Mike and his dad went to the hospital. Mike >and Tom were O.K. Dan: Are you kidding? Tom's got a 45mm hole in his chest. >but two days later, Tom's dad asked his son to come in his hospital room. Samantha: The hell?! They got shot up with bullets for crying out loud! Tsunmeo: I don't get it. Tom gets shot in the chest and is suddenly fine, but his dad got shot twice and is taking a whole two days to croak. That's so stupid it's almost funny. Rebecca: The second bullet's the killer. >"T.. Tom..." his dad said. >"Yes, dad?" >"Tom, I'm gonna die..." Samantha: And here I thought you were getting better... >"Don't say dat, no!" said Tom with tears in his eyes. Rebecca: So he's Welsh now? >"Tom, listen to me, this is the last time you hear me..." Samantha: [Tom] Huh? What was that, dad? Raw is on... >"Yes father." >"I wanna be buried in Japan with my mom and Joe. Samantha: G.I. Joe? Dan: [Tom] Dad, is this important? You're cutting in on my ego stroking time. >I was killed because of my work at the Nerv in Japan, and because of my >research. Tsuneo: Yes, that's the way NERV always rewards its loyal employees. >One day, you will be tested for Eva piloting test, don't ask what >Evas are. Tsuneo: *Never* ask what EVAs are. >If you make it, Samantha: [dreamy] ... they will come... >you will be able to save the world Rebecca: [Tom's Dad] As well as effortlessly throttle Invadors, warp adults to your will, be given command of NERV for no apparent reason other than your sync ratio... You sure this is the right script? > and my work would have been useful to my family..." >"Yes dad." >"Good... goodbye Tom..."said Dan Dyron in a last breath as he died. Rebecca: He lived like a warrior and died to an hero. Dan: That does it. No more MG-Dinobot for you >Tom's flashback ended. Samantha: Oh good, I hate trips down memory lane. There's never a turn off when you want it. Tsuneo: And the roadside distractions are just plain boring. >"He died November 7th, 2013, Dan: Although he's still recieving subsciption offers by mail. >and he is buried in the cemetary of Tokyo-3." finished Tom. Samantha: Right beside Lara Croft's and Fox Mulder's, strangely enough. Dan: [Misato] Huh, what? Sorry, dozed off. >"What a sad story, Rebecca: Sad is the word, alright. >so you have a scar on the right of your chest..." Tsuneo: Funny that no-one's ever mentioned it before. Dan: [Tom] Oh, it comes and goes. >"Yeah..." Samantha: [Tom] Wanna compare scars? >"Tom, the 7th is in 4 days!" Rebecca: Amazingly enough, she's retained her ability to count. Dan: Poor Misato, reduced to a talking calendar. >"I know, and in 5 days, it's the finals..." ended Tom. All: Dum dum daaah! >The next day, Tom went to the tournament alone. Samantha: [Tom] Screw the rest of the cast... people will read this fanfic to see ME in action, god dammit! >The match was in ten minutes. Tom asked, for his ring, ring number 3. He >walked there as he saw Jeff destroying someone. Tsuneo: [Tom] Let's see... Walk in, ask for ring number, watch Jeff pound some poor shmuck's head through the ground... Just a normal day. >Tom felt so bad for Jeff's opponent. Samantha: [Tom] Wow, look at Jeff pull his arms off... Hey! I can see up Asuka's skirt! >"Coming to the ring, standing at 6'5" and weighing at 255lbs, Dan: [Announcer] The Blue Meanie! >Killa!!!" said the announcer. Samantha: Did Tom even TRY to pick names for these people? I almost expect someone named Jobber or Throwaway to make an appearence. Dan & Rebecca: [Chanting] Throwaway! Throwaway! >Tom watched the muscular tall man with a jacket and jeans Rebecca: Over a "Sailor Moon" costume. >walking to the ring. >"And his opponent, standing at 6'3" 1/2 and weighing at 218lbs, he is the >youngest fighter in this tournament, 16, Tom "Da Dragon" Dyron." Tsuneo: Notice how his list of credentials gets longer with each bout. Samantha: Kinda like Marissa's long list of titles... >Tom ran down to the ring, crawled under the 1st rope, Samantha: Or, at least, he tried to. Guess he'd been hitting the newspaper really hard as of late. Tsuneo: I thought we agreed to leave the newspaper alone. Samantha: I wasn't there. >and jumped on Killa fists first making him fall. Tom grabbed the man and >threw him against the post. He started knocking his head on it. He then >bodyslammed Killa out of the ring and splashed him from the top rope. Tom >got back on the top rope and jumped but Killa countered with a powerslam. Samantha: So far, all of these wrestlers know about eight moves combined; kick, punch, clothesline, splash, dropkick, powerslam, knee, and throw. Tsuneo: You forgot "flying chair," or something like that. Rebecca: You can tell Jeff's good because he can also chokeslam. Dan: This is almost as lame as "WCW/nWo Thunder." >Killa ran and jumped knee first on Tom's face. He then threw Dragon back in >the ring. Tom put his hand outside and grabbed a chair. Rebecca: What, there was a chair just within reach? Right by the apron? Dan: No, Tom's Mr. Fantastic too. Samantha: Dammit! Enough with the screwball endings! Either get in there and fight or don't fight at all! >Killa ran shoulder first, but Tom swang the chair and him on the face. Samantha: Wow! Not since 'Mankind dropkicks Mankind' have I seen such action! Tsuneo: You've got to admit, Killa, you walked straight into that one. >The 6th Children started kickboxing on the guy. He kicked him in the leg, >punched him in the face, kicked him in the stomach and and gace him an >uppercut. All: SHORYUKEN! Dan: Now you know why he only writes wrestling. >He ran into the ropes and did a flying clothes line. Tom went for the pin. >1, 2, 3, 4, kick out. Tom grabbed the guy by the throat, put him on the top >rope, then climbed on it. Tom did a suplex from the 3rd rope. Rebecca: Wait, he did a suplex while clutching the guy's throat? Samantha: You're thinking about the fanfic. Shhh... naughty. >He grabbed >Killa by the hair, kicked him in the stomach, put him between his legs Rebecca: Which he no doubt enjoyed a good deal. >and powerbombed him. Tom went for the pin. Samantha: Using a very large railgun loaded with steel spikes, no doubt. >1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And another win for Tom!! Tsuneo: You know to worry when the descriptive passages have exclamation marks. >"The winner of this contest, and advancing to the semi-finals, Tom "Da Dan: Dumbass. >Dragon" Dyron, he'll be facing Mad Max." Samantha: Mel Gibson, nooo! [pause] Mad Max will have guns... Rebecca: Guns are good... guns are our friends... nice guns... >Tom went back home as soon as he had won. When he got back home, Tsuneo: The place was empty and there was a note on the fridge. >everyone >was watching the Championship review bacause they had missed the live. Dan: And if they couldn't credibly stroke his ego, Tom would skin them alive. >Tom walked in and said : Dan: [Tom] Honey, I'm home! >"Don't bother watching, I won..." Rebecca: Yeah, as if you couldn't guess. >Asuka jumped in Tom's arms. Samantha: Asuka with the flying elbow! >"You beat that muscle mass?" >"He was nothing..." answered Tom, "The real guy is in ring number 1, the >match coming next." >They watched the next match and Tom found out Jeff was calling himself Rebecca: The fluffy yellow menace. >"The Crow". Samantha: God dammit!!! Can't these people go five lines without insulting either a great actor or an awesome martial artists?! Grrr... Tsuneo: It seems like they can't go five seconds without insulting our intelligence. Rebecca: Of course, that's not a problem for Dan. [Dan hits her with a cushion.] Samantha: What? You dare hit the Great Rebecca?! WA-TAK! [hits Dan with a cushion] >He was against a 6'6" guy called Samantha: Bobby Enos! >"Hellhound". The match was very short. [They all start chanting "Goldberg."] >Crow clotheslined Hellhound, then he chokeslammed him and went for the pin. >Shinji, Rei, and Asuka were starring at the quick win. Samantha: [Shinji] I wonder if I get him to do that to Issei? >"Now you guys know what it's all about!" said Tom. Dan: [Tom] You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out... >When Tom went to sleep, Asuka asked him : Samantha: [Asuka] Why is it shaped like that? >"So that's the guy that killed your father?" Tsuneo: [Tom] No, it's just his identical twin brother who also happens to hate me. Dan: [Tom] No, it's Paul Wight. Go figure it out! >"Yeah, and if I win the next match, Rebecca: If? *If?* Does water flow downhill? Does the sun rise in the east? Does Hogan suck? >I'll have him in the finals, no one >will stop him until he gets a match against me. Dan: Or you could sic Nerv security on him. Problem solved. >He didn't finish the job four years ago..." Samantha: See what happens when you pay for second rate assasins? Nothing but shoddy work... >"But, he can't kill you in the tournament!" Tsuneo: Watch him. He'll get disqualified, but who cares? >"He wants to humiliate me first..." Dan: [Bad French accent] Now go away, you son of a silly person, or I shall taunt you a second time! >On that last sentence, they both went to sleep after a soft kiss. Samantha: Who? Shinji and Tom? [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion.] Tsuneo: Been there, hated that. Samantha: What? Would you have preferred Tom and Asuka again? Tsuneo: Only slightly. >The next day, when they woke up, Dan: All the major news networks were camped out on their lawn. Don't you hate it when that happens? >Misato was home making breakfast. Samantha: Dear lord, who the hell let her near a kitchen?! Where's Pen Pen? Rebecca: [Shinji] Say Misato, what's for breakfast? >"Misato, you home and awake that early?" asked Tom. >"Yeah, impressive, huh?" answered Misato. Dan: [Tom] And you're getting lines too, it's amazing! Tsuneo: [Tom] Who let her back on the set? >"Fuck yeah!" Samantha: You'll be changing your tune once you get a taste of her cooking. >They all sat down and ate the breakfast Misato made Dan: Pot noodles on toast? >that for once, wasn't bad at all. Samantha: Uh-huh... where's that phone? I gotta let the hospital know that they're gonna need to get the stomach pumps ready. >"Misato, did Tom teach you how to cook?" asked Asuka. >"No, why?" Tsuneo: So why the hell can she suddenly cook? Samantha: [Misato] That cute kid named DJ taught me how. >"'Cause usualy your food tastes like crap!!" and they all laughed. Rebecca: Kill him and feed him to the penguin, Misato. Dan: Ye, gods. Tom's amazingness is extending to other characters. >When they were done eating, the Children went to school except Tom that >stayed at home to train for the championship. Samantha: [Tom] Screw education! I need to keep up on my 'bashing heads in' skills! Rebecca: Not that he needs an education. He can just hack into the school's computer and download the answers to the next test. Dan: All he's missing is hearing about Second Impact. Oh, and interacting with his fellow human beings, but since when have they mattered? >Everything went. First thing, he did about a hundred push ups. He then >grabbed his bar, and did about fifty pull ups and fifty chin ups. Tsuneo: So what'd he do with the rest of the afternoon? Rebecca: Then a hundred strokes... >He >trained like he never had before, after that, his muscles had changed size. Samantha: No, I refuse to touch it. It's too damn easy... [pause] Ah the heck with it... In fact, his muscles had gotten smaller. Dan: [Ren Hoek] I can finally get those pectoral implants! >The next day, Tom had his match at 7:00 P.M. but suddenly, someone called >at 5:30. Tom answered. >"Hello?" Rebecca: I'm looking for a guy called Mike. Last name Rotch. Anyone seen him? >"Hello, Tom, this is Ritsuko, Tsuneo [Ritsuko]: Remember me? I used to have a job too. Dan [Tom]: This isn't going to be another danmed sync test, is it? >an Invador has been detected, Tsuneo: Uh-oh, goofiness alert. As if the goofy meter wasn't high enough already. >you have to be here in twenty minutes." Samantha: [Ritsuko] Just take your time... the Invador isn't going anywhere. >"O.K. Bye!" >Tom hang up and told himself "Oh shit, I can't be late for the >tournament!!!" Dan: Suffer. Saving the world is more important, you know. >He told the others, and they hurried up. Rebecca: Run away, run away! >Tom asked if he could stay 'cause he couldn't be late for the tournament, Tsuneo: Prompting everyone to stare at him in utter disbelief of his arrogance. Samantha: [Ritsuko] No. *BANG* Oh well, he was a good pilot. >but no, they >needed him. The Children got prepared and the Invador impacted at 6:15. Dan: Invador 6:15 says I just lost to a bunch of kids. >Tom >and Shinji rushed on the creature that looked like a huge human made of >metal. Samantha: Hey, it's Ironman. >Tom started attacking him with all he had. So did Shinji, but the hits >didn't work, they bounced off the body. Tsuneo: So where were Rei and Asuka in all this? Rebecca: In the back seat, going at it like rabbits. >They threw grenades but they didn't have much effect either. Samantha: Ironman's armor was simply too strong for them! >The Invador punched Shinji and threw him over 20 yards away. Dan: And across the line! Goal! Goal! >Then Tom got an idea. Rebecca: [Tom] We do a show about nothing. Samantha: [Tom] RUN AWAY!!! >"Misato, where is the closest volcano?" asked Tom. >"About twenty miles west, why?" >"'Cause I'm starting my career as blacksmith on Invadors!!" he answered. >Tom started running to the west, and the Invador followed him. Rebecca: [Invador] Duh, shiny thing. >Tom had 1:30 of power left, Tsuneo: Any reason? Did he lose his cord or something? And I thought he had an S2 engine, anyway. Dan: The EVAs just haven't been the same since Nerv stopped using Duracell. >he climbed on top of the volcano. Samantha: Then, volcano explode. Rebecca: With any luck, yes. >It was now 6:25. The Invador jumped on Tom, but Unit 03 countered with his >AT Field. Dan: And turned it into a pump handle slam! Samantha: You idiot, you should have used your exacto knife of doom! >He grabbed the Invador and threw it inside the volcano. Tsuneo: So Tom's a member of the Mishima clan? Rebecca: [Invador] Hello? Hello up there? I seem to has fallen down a very big hole. I can't get up. I think I may be badly hurt. >No more power left. >"Somebody get a plane right here and bring me to the championship!!!" All: Taxi! >yelled Tom. >30 minutes later, the plane arrived, Tsuneo: Thrill how the entirety of NERV bends to Tom's will! Watch in awe as all procedure is thrown out the window to let Tom stroke his ego some more! Aargh... [He breaks down crying.] Samantha: There there... it'll be over soon. [pats Tsuneo on the back] >and brought Tom to the championship at excatly 7:00 P.M. Samantha: [Pilot] Uhh... land right there? In the middle of the city? Dan: [Tom] Dammit man, don't argue with me! Just do it! Samantha: [Pilot] Okay... [makes sounds of mass destruction and people dying] >Inside the Championship arena. >"If Tom "Da Rebecca: Dingo. >Dragon" Dyron doesn't show up soon, it'll be a forfait and >automatic win for Mad Max!!!" >The plane went on top of the arena and went down a little. Samantha: *SQUISH* I hope they got something to get that blood off the landing gear. >They were at 30 feet over the ground. Tom jumped from the plane Rebecca: When extreme sports go too far. >on top of Mad Max almost knocking him out. Dan: Knocking him out? Strawberry Jam is more like it. Samantha: Steve Borden is *not* impressed. >"And Tom "Da Dragon" Dyron just arrived in the ring, the match is on!!!" Samantha: What match? He just killed Mel Gibson when he landed on him. Tsuneo: Not to mention what a fall like that would do to Tom... eugh. >Tom started pounding Mad Max with all he had. But Max turned around and >threw Tom out of the ring. Samantha: Mel is pretty lively for a dead guy. >Max grabbed Tom in a press slam position ready to throw him on a table but >Tom jumped out of it, and did a DDT on the table. Tsuneo: I get the feeling that if you tried to plan out some of these moves, you'd find they're physically impossible. Rebecca: Mick Foley should sue, they're stealing his schtick. >The 6th Children threw >Mad Max back in the ring and put him in the sharpshooter. [Samantha growls and her eyes turn bright red.] Samantha: Ohh... he is SO dead! Rebecca: And then Vince signals for the match to end early! >Mad Max wouldn't give up, he stayed in the hold for over five minutes until >the moment he passed out. Dan: He didn't even *try* for the ropes? Anyone that useless almost deserves to get Tom dropped on him. Tsuneo: I refuse to belive that anyone could hold a man in a Sharpshooter for five whole minutes. Rebecca: Not to mention that the crowd would have gotten up and left by then. >"And the winner of this match as a result of a knock out, Tom "Da Dragon" >Dyron advancing to the finals against Dan: Tanya and Elizabeth O'Bannon! Woo-hoo! Rebecca: And to anyone who gets that one... >"The Crow"!!!" >Tom got out of the arena, and the next day, he went to visit his father's >grave. Dan: With his good friend Bruce Wayne. >He kneeled down in front of it. Tsuneo: Leaned forwards, bared his neck, closed his eyes and waited. Samantha: Assume the position! >"Dad, if there's a hell or heaven, Rebecca: Well that's optimistic. >I hope you can hear me. Dan: [Tom] Come on, pick up... I know you're there. >I am gonna fight >Jeff tomorrow. It's in a tournament, so I won't kill him. Rebnecca: Much. >I hope I can avenge you some day. I'm sorry I didn't come here for a while, Tsuneo: Something to do with living in America. >but the >money had something to do with it. I hope you rest in peace with mom, and >the rest of the family that died..." Samantha: Don't you just love how Tom honors the dead? Dan: [Tom] And all them people I don't care about. Tsuneo: And his uncle. >Tom stayed there for a good hour and went back to the apartment and said : >"This time, Jeff is gonna get it!!!!" Rebecca: Take that how you will. >The next day, Tom went to the tournament at 10:00 P.M., Tsuneo: Why so late? Dan: It's the main event on a pay-per-view, so of course it's last. >right on time for the finals. Dan: You'd think so, given that he's in them. >"Coming to the ring, standing at 6'10", weighing at 298lbs, Rebecca: Not including GST. Actual mileage may vary. >"The Crow"!!!" Samantha: Actually, it's Sid Vicious in a really bad Dark Sting costume... >Jeff came to the ring, scarier than ever. Samantha: Oh yeah, that pink tutu he's wearing is really scaring me. >"And his opponent, Dan: Wearing very very black trunks, the king of all that is evil. >standing at 6'3" 1/2, he weighs at 218lbs, he is 16, >welcome Tom "Da Rebecca: Big Valbowski. >Dragon" Dyron!!!!" >Tom rushed to the ring and looked at Jeff in the eyes. Samantha: [Tom] I'm gonna give you the staring of a lifetime! Dan: Hold it! Time out for a refreshing pose break everybody! Tsuneo: Awoo! Rebecca: Grr! Grit those teeth! Dan: Good posing kids. You can go back to the imminent fight scene now. >"Jeff, this time, you die!!!" Dan [Tom]: I'll kill you until you die of it! >yelled Tom as he jumped on Jeff and started punching him in the face. Rebecca: With seven inches height difference? Somehow that doesn't work. >He knocked the giant down and started kicking him >in the stomach. Samantha: [singing] Kick em when they're up! Kick em when they're down! Kick em when they're up! >Jeff grabbed Tom by the throat with both hands and did a throat toss. Dan: Wow, he's using wrestling moves that don't have "slam" in them. He must be good. >He then started headbutting Tom Samantha: That's using your head, Jeff! Rebecca [Singing]: Bang you head! That'll help to drive you mad! >and punching him in the face. [They all start a "Jeff" chant.] >Tom got out of it and threw Jeff out with him in the same time. Tsuneo: Um... Dan: Um... Rebecca: Um... Samantha: Um... >He kicked Jeff in the face and threw him against a post. >He took the bell and smashed it against the Crow's face. Samantha: [singing] Clang clang clang went his head... ring ring ring went the bell... >Tom threw him back in the ring, climbed on the top rope and dropkicked him. Dan: So he dropkicked Jeff while Jeff was still on the ground? I don't think so. >Tom went for the pin. 1, 2, kick out. Jeff countered with a powerbomb. Samantha: Never minding the fact that that's impossible and it's a finishing move rather then a counter. >He went to get a chair, put it in the middle of the ring and >chockeslammed(his finishing move) Rebecca: That does it. Jeff is officially just a thinly veiled Paul Wight. >Tom on it. He went for the pin. 1, 2, 3, 4, kick out. Samantha: Okay, now honestly, who saw that coming? [They all raise their hands.] >Jeff tried the chokeslam again but Tom kicked him where the light doesn't >shine, Dan: Seattle? >then chokeslammed him. [Samantha starts muttering about height diffierences.] >Tom went to take a chair that wasn't smashed up while Jeff almost knocked >out tried to climb the top rope. Rebecca: I'd love to know what he's trying to achieve like that. >Tom got the chair, came back in the ring >and hit Jeff in the back while he was climbing. >"Turn around asshole!!" yelled Tom as Jeff turned around Tsuneo: [Jeff] Alright, I heard ya! >and got smashed in the head with the chair. Samantha: Notice the hollow sound echoing out over the arena... >Tom threw the weapon in the middle of the ring, >climbed on the top rope with Jeff, put him in a position of powerslam like >he was going to do it outside. But instead, he did a back flip with Jeff >still in the powerslam and hit the Crow's back on the chair. Dan: Something about top rope powerslams and backflips... Rebecca: You've got me. Samantha: The laws of making sense mean nothing to Tom and his intense wrestling scenes! >Tom went for the pin. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! Tsuneo: [Bored stiff] And the crowd is just going wild. All: [Deadpan] Yay. >"And the winner of this contest, Dan: By impossible move! >and No Holds Barred Champion, Tom "Da All: Roody-poo, candy ass! >Dragon" Dyron!!!! Tom went through the ceremony, got a huge trophee, Tsuneo: A trophy might have been nice. >and won the ruby ring of the winner. Rebecca: Signifying that he had to marry the runner-up. Samantha: But Tom loves Shinji! >The next day, Tom went on the border of a cliff Samantha: Yes! He's going to jump! Do it, do it, do it, do it! Tsuneo: Oh look, it's Bancroft Tower. >to see the sunset of Tokyo-3 with Shinji, Rei and Asuka. But suddenly, a >huge man came from behind of Tom, grabbed him by the hair, and chokeslammed >him on the floor. Dan: Gee, I wonder who this could be. Samantha: Paul Wight is pissed and he's out for revenge! >Asuka screamed, Tsuneo: And twisted her ankle, no doubt. >Rei starred at the horrible thing Rebecca: That had just been chokeslammed to the floor. >and Shinji jumped on the >man who punched Shinji in the stomach knocking him down. Samantha: [Points at the screen and starts laughing so hard she falls off the couch.] Rebecca: Yeah, that worked. Dan: He learned that move from Dark Starr. >"J.. Jeff, you asshole!!!" yelled Tom. >"You're gonna die this time!!!" screamed Jeff as he took out a 45mm >silencer. Tsuneo: No! It's the silencer of doom! >He tried to shoot Tom in the face, but Samantha: [as she gets back on the couch] His AT field deflected it... >Tom jumped and got it in the stomach. Tsuneo: Spilling guts and blood everywhere, and promptly died in a puddle of his own gore. Rebecca: [Asuka] Okay Jeff, how much do I owe you? >Jeff pointed the gun at his face saying : Samantha: [Arnold] Hasta vista... baby... >"You're going to hell this time you son of a bitch!!" said Jeff very >confident. Dan: His professionalism awes me. >"I'll go to hell, but not today!!!" yelled Tom as he threw a pocket knife >at the hand that was holding the gun. Samantha: Hey Tom, it might have helped if you took the blade out first. Tsuneo: And in the time it took to reach for the knife and extend the blade, Jeff was doing what, pray tell? Rebecca: Trust me, you don't want an answer to that. >Jeff screamed in pain as the gun fell down. Tom took out his switch blade, >and threw it at Jeff's chest and hit. Samantha: [Jeff] Tis but a scratch! The 6th Children jumped on Jeff and put pressure on the knife. >"Jeff, I wanna make you suffer as much as I did!!!" Dan: [Tom] You're gonna have to read my fic! >yelled Tom as he >pressed on the knife and made the blade come out on the other side of >Jeff's chest. Samantha: Oh for crying out loud! It's a switchblade, not a katana! Rebecca: [Sarcastic] Maybe it's the X-Acto knife of doom. >The huge man died not having the time to scream. Tom then took jeff's body >and Rebecca: Surely that's illegal! >threw him off the cliff in the river that was floating on the boarder >of Tokyo-3. Samantha: Wait a second, he's not dead! He's getting better! >"You don't deserve to be buried you mothafuckin S.O.B.!!" yelled Tom. Dan: And Steve Austin returns as the dialogue coach. >Tom fell to the ground hands first, his blade with blood all over it. Rebecca: Whoops, whaddya know, he fell on his knife. The end. >Asuka, Shinji and Rei looked at Tom, as Tom got up, looked at them, and >smiled in satisfaction telling himself, Samantha: [Tom] Killing is fun... heh heh... the voices are calling out... they're demanding another sacrifice... heh heh... >"Dad, I avenged you, Jeff is no more..." Tsuneo: Save for a crappy action figure with Chokeslam Action and Ray Mysterio Jr. as an accessory. >End of Genesis 0:17 All: [monotone] Yay... Samantha: Dibs on the TV... [Samantha narrows her eyes and stretches her hand towards the lightsabre staff. There's a slight rumbling sound, like you hear whenever someone uses the force, and the lightsabre staff flies into her hand, and both blades ignite. She jumps across the table in a beautiful flip and slashes the energy blades through the TV several times, leaving it a smoking wreck.] Samantha: Ahh... that felt great! Rebecca: Nice work. Dan [high-pitched] Yeah! Voice: Uh... opinions? Samantha: [waves her hand in the air] You don't need to hear my opinion... Voice: Sorry, that isn't going to work on me. Samantha: Dammit! [pause] Okay, that was an insult to a couple of the best martial artist that have ever existed, a good many wrestlers, plus it was written as though Mike Franklin was surpervizing. Not to mention the fact that this all made in the first place to stroke the author's damn ego. Tsuneo: The typing was everywhere and especially atrocious. The story itself, as well as pointlessly ego-bloating, was just stupid. I mean, there's no way they'd whisk him straight from his EVA to the tournament. Nor would the tournament just accept anyone, for that matter. Dan: That was an EVA fic? It's got nothing to do with EVA. I mean, yeah you've got Shinji and Asuka and Rei, but they're so far removed from their origianl characters you can't recognise them. Rebecca: It just plain sucks, okay? Samantha: Well, this deserves a good stiff drink, or three... who wants to join me at the Anipike for a few beers? Rebecca: An excellent plan. Tsuneo: Do you get paid everytime you mention that place? Samantha: No, I don't do shameless place plugging. Dan: Cool! Lead the way! Rebecca: Dan, give it up. None of the women there who you make passes at ever return your calls. You're probably risking an explosion sooner or later. Samantha: [looks up at the ceiling] And I had better damn well be getting paid for this! [pokes her lightsabre staff at the ceiling a couple times before turning it off and leaving.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1999 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-1999 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Samantha Jones is copyright 1997-99 Jamie Jeans Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. Jolt's Page! http://users.uniserve.com/~xwing/ Jamie Jeans's collected MSTings and his "Revenge" series. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ >"You're gonna die this time!!!" screamed Jeff as he took out a 45mm >silencer.