Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 76 brings us the DELTA Invasion Road Trip! That's right, they've got a planet to blow up, and a sibling to duplicate. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion II Delta is copyright Tom Dyron (Gee. Who'd have guessed?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A small, crumpled, plastic Christmas tree lies forlornly on its side, whereas tattered bits of tinsel and Christmas banners hang dejectedly from the roof.] [Rebecca and Rick enter, talking] Rick: And so, the end result was a rather goofy but at the same time strangely belivable synopsis for a Beast Machines episode. Rebecca: With Thrust having the spark of Scooby Doo? Rick: See? Strangely believable. Rebecca: Strangely believable. [Dan and Tsuneo enter] Dan: What's occupying your minuscule minds now? Tsuneo: Ahem. Rick: I came across a random Beast Machines episode generator. Very funny. And true, too. Tsuneo: What do you mean by funny and true? Rick: Well, basically it had a stock plot that it just inserted bits into, like Thrust having the spark of someone, Megatron doing something to his little drone pal in anger, Tankor shouting a catchphrase and Nightscream being somehow killed. Dan: I see nothing wrong with that. Rebecca: The options were pretty stupid; for example Thrust having the spark of Pikachu, Megatron belching the Canadian national anthem in anger, Tankor shouting "WeStSiDe" and Nightscream being eaten by the swarm, but it was pretty believable at the same time. Rick: Apart from that Swarm bit. Rebecca: This is true. Tsuneo: Sounds like fun, honestly. Rick: Oh, yeah. You can apply it to just about anything. Tsuneo: Can you give us an example? Rick: Let's see... How about Antarctic's Robotech comics? Rebecca: Suitably repetitive and predictable plots that deserve parodying. Good one. Tsuneo: So how does it go? Rick: Okay... Three random characters, chosen from a list of just about everyone in Robotech- Dan: Even from different stages. Rick: Especially from different stages. Rebecca: Except Jack Baker. Rick: Okay, three Robotech characters travel to a secret RDF base located... Come on, guys. Dan: Um... Under the ocean. Rebecca: In the SDF-1's left foot. Tsuneo: In another dimension. Rick: Where a prototype super Veritech/Valkyrie/Legioss/Variable Drifand is under construction called- Rebecca? Rebecca: Um... The VFX-66 Omega. Rick: Rrright. It's equipped with a special system known as- Dan? Dan: Ooh, it's got a self-cleaning hangar. Rick: And is armed with? Dan: A lethal dose of Hollywood logic. Rick: Nice one. It's so advance that it can travel at- Tsuneo? Tsuneo: Almost thirty-five kph. Rick: Fine. Suddenly the base is attacked by an elite Zentraedi unit- Dan: How about Invid? Rick: No choice here, sorry. Anyway, they're lead by the Zentraedi's most elite ace... Rebecca: Norman Smileay! Rick: Piloting a movie-style male power armour. Tsuneo: do we get a choice there? Rick: Antarctic never gave us one. Dan: Very true. Rick: And his witless minions all pilot... Dan: Miscellaneous mecha from Project A-Ko. Rebecca: Isn't that a little excessive? Rick: Nope, perfectly silly enough. Anyway, the base is helpless due to- Tsuneo: Chronic lack of manpower. Dan: The photon torpedoes arrive on Tuesday. Rebecca: They forgot to pay their power bill. Rick: Good one. So Rick Hunter - or whoever - takes the prototype and cuts through hoardes of disposables before facing Norman himself. Norman uses his- Rebecca: Trendy cybernetics. Dan: Rigid grill structure. Rick: Which renders Rick - or whoever - helpless. Suddenly, at the last minute, he activates the prototype's secret weapon, the... Tsuneo: Super Glory Fire God Guts. Rebecca: The Atomic Napalm Neutralizer. Dan: The "Neem" gun. Tsuneo: Neem? Dan: I was bored. Rick: And saves the day. The base then blows up because... Tsuneo: The authour couldn't think of a better ending. Rick: So no more of the prototype can be made. And everyone flies off into the sunset, the end. Dan: Sounds about right. Rebecca: OK... What else could we try? Tsuneo: A random Japanese Beast Wars show generator. Rebecc: OK... The evil Destrons- Tsuneo: Or Destrongers. Rick: Destreigons. Dan: Dezongas? Rebecca: No. Anyway, the Evil Destwhatevers, led by Somethingatron- Rick: Metatron? Rebecca: OK, his brave, powerful and loyal second and three incompetent underlings set out to- Rick: Eat all the universe's prune Danishes. Dan: Win self-determination for the south Moldavian people. Tsuneo: Retcon Scramble City. Rebecca: The only thing that can stop them is a small, miss-matched group of Cybertrons lead by - Tsuneo: Star Saber. Rick: Leader-1. Dan: Skeletor. Rebecca: Something Convoy. Dan: I can live with Skeletor Convoy. Rick: Leader-1 Convoy sounds kinda goofy, actually. Rebecca: Many battles rage across- Rick: Walla Walla, Washington. Rebecca: As the two sides fight over the fate of the universe and- Dan: Ultra-rare pokemon cards. Rebecca: Comedy relief is provided by- Rick: Giant Urinating Cicadas. Tsuneo: A robotic magical girl who lives on the moon. Dan: An incompetent Cybertron trainee. Rebecca: Those have all been done. Tsuneo: Oh yeah. Rebecca: Eventually, Something Convoy powers himself up to a new form by using- Tsuneo: The Dragon Balls. Dan: The Holy Grail. Rick: Really old left-over pizza. Rebecca: Thus turning him into- Rick: Super God. Tsuneo: Mega Fire. Dan: Lard Ass. Rebecca: Hyperbole Whatever Convoy! Then he blows up Somethingatron and the world is saved and a dead character gets retconned back to life. Yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and something big explodes. Dan: Cybertron? Rick: An evil artificial planet? Tsuneo: Mars? Rebecca: Oddly enough, they've all been done. Tsuneo: You know, there wasn't that many options in that. Rebecca: Funny that. Voice: Morning guys. Rebecca: Morning Hyperbole Something Convoy. Voice: I'm going home now. Have a fic. [They sit, Dan and Tsuneo on the couch facing the TV, Rebecca and Rick on the other one. Dan and Rick are closest on the corners] Rick: What's his problem? [The TV switches on] > Genesis 0:22 : Space Exploration/D.E.L.T.A. Destruction Rick: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of Babylon 5. Dan: Gee, I wonder what's gonna happen in this chapter. Rebecca: Tom drinks, swears, boinks Asuka and kills Invadors. > January 21st, 2018 > The Council of the Seele... Tsuneo: This fic has a preposition fixation. > "So, Ikari is sending a space craft to destroy the D.E.L.T.A." said > Chairmen Keele. Rick: Chairmen? Keele has problems. Dan: This was planned months ago. Didn't you guys know? > "Yes, he is, and the project was approved by the japanese government." Rebecca: [Keele] Damn puppet governments. Damn them to heck. Tsuneo: Of course, since Japan doesn't have a space program... > "They can destroy the planet but the so called "Invadors" Dan: [Keele] But I know them all as "Phil." > havn't played their best card!" responded Chairmen Keele. Rick: They've got six aces. Hah! > "You mean..." Rebecca: You mean *that,* don't you? Rick: [Keele] Yes, *that.* Dan: Not *that!* Rick: [Keele] *That.* Tsuneo: Okay, that's enough. > "Yes, I mean that Justice hasn't showed up and will if necessary." > "The fate of mankind is in Justice's hands!" Rick: What, a bunch of superannuated DC heroes? > "Hehehehe!" laughed Chairmen Keele evily. Dan: [Keele] Wait a second, I'm getting my lines mixed up with Dr. Evil. > "But the Invadors won't attack during the trip in space of the Children." Tsuneo: Trip in... Of the children... Are they going to be bringing a supply of weed into space? > "Right, their goal is to destroy the Evas!" responded Chairmen. Tsuneo: Which is why they've never touched them when the EVAs are down and helpless. Dan: I thought their goal was to destroy mankind. Rebecca: Yes. Dan: So why not attack while they're away? Rebecca: Shush. > "But, will the Evas ever come back from this trip? Rick: Yeah, but they'll be accidentally re-routed to Murmansk. > The Invadors could destroy them on their way to D.E.L.T.A." > "We'll see!" said Chairmen Keele ending the conversation. > Same day, Nerv HQ... > "The space craft will be done next week." said Ritsuko. > "Good..." said Commander Ikari, "Are the space resistant armors ready for > the Evas?" Dan: They're fitting them with Valkyrie augmentation packs? Rick: Is a space resistant armour anything like a mobile armour? > "The final tests are being made." answered Ritsuko. > "Will the Evas be able to fight in space?" asked the Commander. > "Of course!" Rebecca: Somehow I'm less than fully reassured. > A few hours later at Misato's apartment... > Misato walks in the kitchen where the Children were eating and said : Dan: [Misato] Hi guys, don't mind me, I only own the place. Rick: [Tom] Who said that? > "Guys, great news, the space craft will be ready in a week!" Rebecca: Provided they don't run out of brown paper and string, of course. > "Really? Kick ass, but it bothers me that the trip will be so long!" said Tom. Rick: Can you imagine that? Three weeks of Tom saying "Are we there yet?" > "Come on, it will be fun, Dan: We could be scorched by cosmic rays and gain cool superpowers! What more could you want? > until you arrive at D.E.L.T.A..." > "Right!" said Asuka. > "It's gonna be tough!" added Shinji. Rick: Nah, they're just gonna let you blow up their planet. > "As long as we destroy them..." said Rei. Rebecca: Has anyone considered the environmental repercussions of what you're going to do? You'll be wiping out a unique ecosystem here. Dan: We've found a new planet! Stuff studying it, we're gonna blow it up! > "Yeah, she's right!" said Tom. > "Anyway, you won't have to fight an Invador for three weeks when we go in > space, Tsuneo: Unless of course they attack during the trip. Has anyone considered that possibility? All: No. > it's gonna be cool!" said Misato. Rebecca: [Asuka] No it's not! I'll be locked up with Tom for three weeks! > "No, boring, I like kickin' Invador ass!" said Tom as he stood up. Dan: Yeah, it's worth them destroying the city just as long as Tom gets his jollies. > "Tom, you like risking your life?" asked Asuka. All: We do. > "It brings danger, but, what da hell? I like danger!" responded Tom. Rick: [Tom] Asuka, you're ugly! Rebecca: WHAM! Rick: [Tom, dazed] See? > They all laughed. > "What da fuck? I'm serious people" said Tom. Tsuneo: Sure, Tom. Whatever. > Suddenly, at Nerv HQ... > "INVADOR ALERT INVADOR ALERT" > "Damn, could they leave us alone for a while?" asked Ritsuko to herself. Dan: [Ritsuko] These Invadors are such a bother. They only attack when I'm doing my nails. > Ritsuko called Misto. Rick: She then hung up, and called Misato. > "Hello?" Rebecca: [Misato] Misato's house of certain pleasures, how can I help you? Rick: [Ritsuko] It's me, Ritsuko. Rebecca: [Misato] Should I put you down for your usual nine o'clock? > "Invador approaching, hurry up!" said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: [Misato] You've never got any good news for me, do you? Rick: [Ritsuko] Of course not. > "O.K. Bye!" > Ritsuko hang up. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] No! Why should I? > Twenty minutes later, they arrived. The Invador was > going to impact downtown about five minutes later. The Children got ready > as Asuka was sent. Tsuneo: Still not sending out all their EVAs? Dan: You'd think they'd have learnt their lesson after Tom got kidnapped. Rebecca: That would mean the authour reading over his own work. > "Asuka, if something goes wrong, Rick: [Misato] You're screwed. It's been real. > we'll send backup, O.K.?" asked Misato. > "Hai!" > Eva 02 was launched as the Invador impacted. Ritsuko had already put the > city underground. Dan: [Ritsuko] Hah! I get to push the button this time! > The creature looked like a huge dark blue turtle with a > longer tail, human black eyes and long sharp teeth just like all the other > Invadors. Rick: It's Gamera! Go Gamera! Dan: Gamera is really neat! He's big and full of turtle meat! > Asuka grabbed a progressive lance and rushed to the monster and > tried to pierce its carapace but the lance bounced. Rebecca: [Asuka] Um... What do I do now? > The Invador stood up > and hit Asuka with his right forward leg. He then spit a ball of fire Dan: [Invador] Bleagh! What a hairball. > at Unit 02's face. Eva 02 ducked and the fireball went flying and finaly hit > the floor. Tsuneo: No-one liked that street anyway. > Asuka raised an AT Field and used it to push the monster away. > The beast went flying but landed on its feet. The Invador started running, > something unusual for a being looking like a turtle Rick: No kidding. Waddling would be a better term. > and jumped on Asuka > knocking her down. It jumped, turned around and hit Eva 02 with its > carapace. It did it about five times and turned around. All: [Singing] You are mighty Gamera! You are mighty Gamera! > It started breathing fire on Asuka's face. > "Launch Unit 03 right away!!" yelled Misato. > The Evangelion 03 was launched right away. Dan: Okay, hands up everyone who saw that coming a mile away. [They all raise their hands] Dan: Thought so. > "Get ready to get your ass whipped you dumb ass Invador!!" yelled Tom. > Tom took out his progressive knife and ran to the monster. He tackled it > and started pounding its face. Rebecca: Say, were you actually going to use that knife? > Tom raised his AT Field full blast and > started pounding on the carapace. The Invador couldn't move. The beast's > carapace suddenly broke in pieces under the impact of Tom's hits. Tsuneo: Okay, so Asuka stabs it with a progressive lance and it's unharmed, but when Tom punches it a few times the shell breaks open. A bit of consistency would be nice once in a while. > Unit 03 > plunged the knife in the monster's stomach and slashed up. Tom stabbed the > monster in its insides a few times and watched it die. Dan: It died and then it died. Rick: No! Poor Gamera! Rebecca: Would this make their spaceship the Z-plan? > "Invadors, it's a rule, don't touch Asuka or I'm coming for you!!!" yelled Tom. Dan: [Tom] And that's the bottom line, 'cause Tom Dyron said so! > They got back to the Nerv HQ, Asuka was put in a hospital room for a few hours. All: [Asuka] I hate this place. Tsuneo: There wasn't anything wrong with her, they just felt like putting her in a hospital room. > Tom came to visit her. Dan: [Asuka] Wait, I'm having a relapse. Rick: [Tom] But you weren't sick. Dan: [Asuka] I'm having a relapse anyway! > "Hey Asuka." Tom said. > "Hey Tom, thanks for saving me..." she answered. Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare steal the great Asuka's moment of glory? WA-TAK! > "So, are you feelin' all right?" Rebecca: [Asuka] I got molested by a giant, fire-breathing space turtle. How do you think I feel? > "Yeah, no problem, I'll be going outta here in an hour or two." > "O.K. Good." > They talked for a little while, kissed and Tom went out of the room to meet > John, Shinji, Rei, Misato and Ritsuko. Tsuneo: Hey, it's John. He's actually appearing. Rick: And he's special. > "So, is she gonna be all right?" asked Shinji. Rebecca: Relatively speaking, yes. > "Yeah, no problem, she'll be out in a few hours!" answered Tom. > "O.K. She'll be with us on the trip!" said Shinji. > "Duh!" answered Tom. Dan: [Tom] Shinji, am I gonna have to deflate your ego some more? Tsuneo: [Shinji] Is it possible? > "Well, let's wait until she comes out." said Misato. > An hour and a half later, Asuka came out. Dan: So did you guys just stand out here in the corridor all that time? > The same day at Ritsuko's apartment. John's two sisters were there waiting. Tsuneo: Wait a second, since when did John have sisters? Rick: I think they're both Charles ret-conned. > When John and Ritsuko came home, Charles said : Dan: [Charles] I don't know who these two girls are, they just wandered in and claimed to be related to us. Rick: [John] That happens to me all the time. Like when I grew up in Australia. Dan: [Charles] But was that before or after we moved to Uzbekistan? Rick: [John] I forget. > "I heard about the space trip, can I come too?" Tsuneo: Sorry, this isn't a passenger cruise. Rebecca: Are you sure? they are bringing John after all. Rick: Yeah, but they've packed him with the supplies. > "Well, we have to see if we have enough oxygen..." said Ritsuko, "and it's > going to be very dangerous, the Evas are going to be launched in space for space > combat..." Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] We'll have to recalculate the onboard weight, acceleration, flight times, fuel consumption, burn times, supply requirements, oxygen recycling... Should be okay, as long as we hack your limbs off and leave them behind. Rick: You could just leave John behind. No-one would notice. > "I see, but I'd be so happy to go!" said Charles. > "O.K. I'll see what we can do!" answered Ritusko. Rick: Twisted clone of Ritsuko. > "Thanks!" answered Charles. > A week later... Rick: John got a scene with his brother and didn't get to do or say anything. That's amazing. Dan: Say, where'd his sisters get to? I want to know if they were cute. > "The space craft, and John's brother can come too. Great!" said Ritsuko. Rebecca: Well, it would be kind of silly if you went without the spacecraft. Dan: So if you weren't planning to take the spacecraft, how did you plan to get there? Rick: Easy, they'd travel by Floating Island. Tsuneo: What, like the rest of this fic? > "When will the ship be launched?" asked Commander Ikari. Dan: Didn't we say a week one week ago? Rick: [Gendo] Oh yeah. there it goes now. Rebecca: You know for a supposedly omnipotent badass, he's not that bright. > "In three days, we got to warn the Children." said Ritsuko. Rebecca: Just a thought, shouldn't they be undergoing space combat training, zero-gee training, extra-vehicular activity training, space safety training, ship operations training and all that by now? Dan: Well, they put Asuka in the zero-gee simulator, but she just shouted "Again!" > Ritsuko warned Misato and the Children. Rick: [Misato] We've got it on our calendar, no need to tell us. Dan: [Tom] I thought we were going today? Rick: [Misato] Yeah, but the Floating Island obscured our launch window. > Ritsuko took the Children, Charles, Charles and Misato Tsuneo: Poor Charles has been ret-conned so many times he's duplicated himself. > inside the space craft to show them what it looked like. From > outside, it looked like some kind of black plane, except that it was about > 500 meters long Dan: I don't believe it. Someone's gone and made Kaji jealous. > and had two floors. Dan: Is this thing orientated vertically or horizontally? It's kind of important. > Ritsuko took them to the entrance where they found nine seats. Rebecca: Who left those in the airlock? Rick: Ironically, they overbooked the flight. > "Here are the nine passenger seats. Five for the Children, one for John's > brother, Dan: What, both Charles have to occupy the one seat? Isn't that a bit harsh? Rick: Yeah, but if they're all sitting in the passenger's seats, who's piloting? > one for Misato, one for Kaji Dan: Why are they bringing Kaji along? Rick: They need a crewmember to take long coffee breaks. Rebecca: [Kaji] Zero-gee loving. What more can I say? > and one for me." said Ritsuko. She then > led them forward in the plane to lead them to the piloting room. There they > found two seats. Tsuneo: Controls might help. Dan: The controls consist of an exceedingly seedy looking Thrustmaster clone joystick. Hey, it worked for the Enterprise-E. Rebecca: [Kaji] Hey Misato, if I get to tend your melons, you can play with my Thrustmaster. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] Tsuneo: SICK! > "We will need this room, the cockpit, for the take off, landing and when we'll > get to the planet D.E.L.T.A. Rebecca: Not to mention navigation, emergencies, basic day-to-day operations, course corrections and of course going around Mr. Sun. At least, I assume you won't be diving straight through it. > This ship is constituted like an Eva. Dan: Does that mean it's going to run wild and bite someone's head off? Rick: It'll shut down five minutes after take-off and crash. Sorry. > A Children > will pilot it, most likely Tom since I saw he already piloted a plane, but the > Children can rotate. Tsuneo: Of course, when the pilot seat's empty the entire thing will shut down. Rebecca: Does this mean they'll have to flood the cabin with LCL? Rick: You'd think they would have established who would be the pilot by now. > Kaji will be co-pilot for directions etc..." said Ritsuko as > she led them in the back of the plane where they found a few tables, a TV-VCR > and a kitchen. Tsuneo: So they just found the kitchen lying in the middle of the living room? Rebecca: Sorry, we haven't gotten around to installing that yet. Rick: Who built this ship, Tim Allen? Dan: Anyone care to explain where the mysterious artificial gravity came from? Rick: That's easy. They strapped Viscera to the underside of the hull. > "Here is the living room-kitchen. We have supplies for two months, but the trip > should last a month and a half. Rick: We packed the excess because we know how much of a pig Tom is. > We will have to cook, I think Tom can take care of that. Dan: Who's flying when he's cooking? Rebecca: The dummy plug. I hope no-one's going to miss Mercury when it's gone. > And a TV plus VCR in case this gets too boring for you guys." said Ritsuko. Tsuneo: Ironically, all they've got is Waterworld. Dan: For entertainment, you can watch films you've already seen five times over. That should keep morale high. > She took them to a place with three doors. Dan: [Ritsuko] One of these doors is the correct path. The other two lead to death. Choose wisely. > "Here are the rooms where we will sleep in. John, his brother and I will stay in > one room, the four other Children in the other one, and Kaji and Misato in the > last room..." said Ritsuko. Rebecca: So basically everyone gets to shack up with their squeeze of the minute, except Ritsuko who gets landed with the charisma twins. Rick: [Ritsuko] Every third night, I'll swap with Misato. Every fourth night, I'll swap with Kaji. Dan: [Ritsuko] Every twelfth night, I get their room all to myself. Hah! > She then led them to stairs going down. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] This is the airlock. You may find it useful if Tom gets too annoying. Dan: Don't they have a turbolift? Rebecca: Yeah, but you've still got to wait for it. > Down there, > they saw the five Evas each put in a round capsule in the color of the Evas. Rick: It's the new easy-to-swallow EVA. > "Those capsules around the Evas will be able to make the Evas fight in space. Dan: Of course, since it's a capsule, they can't move or anything. > The weapons are the same as the machine guns you have, you will be able to use > your AT Fields and you get a new weapon, the nuclear based cannon. Rebecca: Okay, anyone care to explain how a nuclear based cannon works? Tsuneo: Simple, you push the button and you blow up. Dan: Of course, we could have left all the junk behind and just brought Goku along. > When we want to release the Evas, those plates under them will drop." Rick: And since there's no gravity, you'll be left floating in the hangar. > The Children cheered thinking the idea was pretty cool. Then, Ritsuko took them > forward in the plane to show them a 150 meters cannon Dan: [Kaji] Now I'm *really* jealous. > and told them : > "This is the Power Cannon, the one that will be charged with nuclear energy plus > the internate power of the Evas to destroy the planet. Rick: Because as we know, the miracles of nuclear energy can do *anything.* Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Okay, I admit I'm making this bit up. We don't know how it's going to work. > As you know, we will be > leaving in three days so that we can put the last tests on the spaceship. Dan: Testing the crew might be nice. Rick: So you're leaving only three days of tests for a super-advanced, one-of-a-kind prototype spaceship built with inherently unstable technology? I'd hate to be your insurer. Tsuneo: Let's see... One crew module, one structure module, one cargo module and one power module. Your chance of success is zero squared. Rebecca: Obscure. > We > have to improve its AT Field. This space craft is the most advanced space ship > ever created. We called it the "Star Eva"." finished Ritsuko. Dan: [Ritsuko, faint] Can I breathe now? Rebecca: Actually, they were having a hard time deciding whether to call it the "Star Eva," the "Dark Star," the "Red Dwarf," the "Mayflower" or "Jupiter II." > Shinji, Rei, Asuka and Tom got back at the apartment while Misato stayed at the > Nerv for some tests. Rick: Misato's the smart one. Tsuneo: Okay, so we'll assume everyone else knows what to do if there's a hull breach? Fine. > "This trip ain't gonna be as borin' as I thought!!" said Tom. > "Damn right!" said Asuka. > "Yeah, we have nice bedrooms..." said Shinji Rick: Better then the ones here. Heck, you might as well just move in there full time. Rebecca: Does it have an Interocitor? > as Asuka slapped accross the face. Rick [Asuka]: What?! You dare make imaginary suggestive comments at the great Asuka? WA-TAK! Dan [Tom]: Yeah! That's my job! Rick [Asuka]: WA-TAK! > "Pervert!" yelled Asuka as Tom laughed his head out. Tsuneo: Great. Now there's brains all over the floor. Rick: But hey, who'd notice? Tsuneo: So he gets called a pervert just for saying it's got a nice bedroom? > "I was joking, damnit!" yelled Shinji holding his cheek. > "Dat was nice Shinji, Rebecca: I don't want to know what happened between scenes. > but it's a rule, never say that kind of thing in front of > a girl, remember that rule, boy!' said Tom. > "I'll keep that in mind!" said Shinji. > "You better!" said Asuka looking at Shinji's eyes menacing. Rick [Asuka]: Do I have to disembowel you again, Shinji? Dan [Shinji]: No mam. > "Six weeks in space... It's going to be long..." said Rei. > "Yeah, you're right, but what da hell? When we arrive at D.E.L.T.A. it's gonna > be fun!" said Tom cheerfully. Tsuneo: Tom's pumped so full of red cordial he's about to burst. > "You're crazy, Tom! You like risking your life!" said Asuka, "But you know > what? I like that kind of state of mind!" Rebecca: [Asuka] The sooner I get rid of this guy, the better. > "Damn, Tom, you have fun kicking those monsters' asses, but they have good > chances of killing us!" said Shinji. Tsuneo: No they don't! Every Invador to date has been an utter wuss that's gone down in one paragraph. > "I know dat, but that makes it even more fun!" responded Tom as he took out a > beer and drank it straight. Rick: That's right, Tom's a man because he doesn't water down his beer. > "Damn dat's good!" Rebecca: Let's see... He's drank, swore and killed an Invador. All he needs to do is boink Asuka and the chapter's complete. > "Damn, you're like Misato with beer, Tom!" said Asuka. Dan: For anyone who didn't notice that in the past eight chapters. > "You've seen nothing, I can be way worse, but when I do, you don't wanna sleep > next to me during the night, if you know what I mean." responded Tom. Rick: No, we don't. Tsuneo: Actually, it's because he's really, embarrassingly pathetic when drunk. He has to break a sweat to kill Invadors. Talk about lame. > "Damn!" said Shinji. Rebecca [Shinji]: And here was me hoping to get lucky. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] > "Rei, I've never seen you drink beer, wanna try one?" asked Tom. Dan: Hey, what about all those drunken piss-ups they had in previous chapters? Rebecca: Don't you know? Rei just quietly sips low-alcohol cider. Rick: And besides, they held those on the Floating Island. > "Hmm..." said Rei thinking. > "You know, one beer can't hurt!" said Tom. Tsuneo: Famous last words. Others: Hey! > "What the hell? He's right, let me try!" said Rei as everyone was surprised to > hear Rei talked like that Rick: Why? She's been talking like that since DELTA started. > as she took the beer and started drinking, "I don't > believe I actualy drank this, but it tastes good!" added Rei. Shinjin also > noticed something. Dan: [Shinji] That wallpaper really clashes with the carpet. I oughta do something about it. > Since Asuka was with Tom, she had yelled at him once and > that was about five minutes before. Tsuneo: She'd since been cured of that dangerous bout of characterization. > "Glad to see that you tasted and liked it." as Tom too out another beer and > started drinking it. He finaly thought about the trip and told himself, "God > damn, I'm a total psycho, All: We noticed. > I have fun risking my life, what the fuck is wrong with me?" Tsuneo: You're a trumped-up, self-important, obnoxious egotist who puts his personal enjoyment above everyone else and delights in violence and tormenting his so-called friends. You asked. > Same time at Nerv... > "It's a very nice ship!" said Kaji Rebecca [Kaji]: Mine's bigger. > still not well shaved Dan: And you point this out because? > as he looked at the > "Star Eva". It was the biggest thing he had ever seen. Rebecca: [Kaji] Mine's still bigger. Rick: You know what Tom's saying here. > "Yeah, and it has a good defense!" said Ritsuko as she showed the side cannons, > the missile launchers Dan: The automatic banana peel dispenser. Rick: The spray-on shark repellant. Rebecca: The Invador-seeking bowling-ball launchers. Tsuneo: And the unstoppable power of SMUG! > and the quadruple plated armor element resistant. Dan: Quadruple armour element resistant? Has someone been rolling on the Parts Unknown catalogue again? > "The armor of the ship should resist the impact of a meteorite without the AT > Field." explained Ritsuko. Rick: Yup, the ship's so cool it can even organise your sock draw, do your taxes, recalculate relativity and make shoestring or crinkle-cut chips. Rebecca: All this while travelling at one hundred and sixty-seven kilometers per second. > "It looks like such a cool ship, how are the Children doing?" asked Kaji. Dan: Think about this. Do you really want to know? > "Well..." started Misato, "They're getting along very well since Asuka and Tom > became a couple, so did Rei and Shinji!" Tsuneo: [Kaji] Actually, I was asking how they were doing at the space adaptation training. Rebecca: [Misato] The what? Tsuneo: [Kaji] Never mind. > "That's great for them! At least they're altogether!" said Kaji. Rick: [Kaji] Oh yeah, how's whatsisname doing? Rebecca: [Misato] I dunno, but he's special. > "Yeah, you're right!"said Misato. > "So even this machine has to be piloted like an Eva... very nice, who will be the > pilot?" questionned Kaji. Dan: Didn't they already answer this? Rick: Yeah, but Kaji was asleep at the time. > "Most likely Tom because his synchronization is very high, not as high as > Shinji, there are the risks of 400% synchro, but if it gets too close, we stop > the pilot. Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Okay... Breathe... Dan: Did anyone actually catch a word of that? Rick: Of course, then the whole ship shuts down. > We will only need him three times, take off, D.E.L.T.A. and landing. Rebecca: So you *are* going to fly straight through Mr. Sun, aren't you? > We also chose him because he already trained piloting in the U.S. because he > wanted to join the Air Force before we called him to pilot Eva." explained > Ritsuko. Dan: Of course, flying a light plane and a massive S2 engine-powered spacecraft are completely different. > "Piloting at 16?" asked Kaji surprised. Rebecca: That's not so amazing. What's amazing is he served in the Gulf War. > "Yes, when you are engaged in the Air Force, Tsuneo: What does that mean? Rick: Outed in the army. Tsuneo: Oh. > but the Eva piloting made him > resign, but it looks like he enjoys killing Invadors..." said Ritsuko. > "Tom is probably the most honest Eva pilot, maybe the most honest person I > know, he never hides anything from people he knows!" said Misato. Rick: He doesn't have the brains for it. > "That's a great quality!" added Kaji. Dan: Until he blabs everyone's secrets, that is. > "And his ability to pilot the Eva is very impressive..." said Ritsuko, Tsuneo: In case you missed the last few chapters. > "but Shinji is grand in an Eva too!" Rebecca: What about Rei and Asuka? Don't they deserve a mention? Dan: Or John, for that matter. Rick: Oh, him? He isn't such a good EVA pilot. But he is special. > "Damn straight!" added Kaji. Tsuneo: GAH! Now he's doing it too! > "Well, let's get prepared for this trip!" said Misato. > Two days later, January 31st, 2018. Nerv HQ. The city Tokyo-3 is put > undergroud Rick: So are they launching this thing from the middle of the city? > as the Children, Charles, Charles, Rebecca: It happened again! Poor Charles is so confused. Rick: And they don't have any room for the spare Charles either. Dan: I still want to know where his two sisters got to. > Ritsuko, Kaji and Misato go > inside the "Star Eva". Kaji and Tom go in the cockpit. > "Launch in twenty minutes, be prepared!" said Maya. Tsuneo: Hang on, this is two days later. Rebecca: So? Tsuneo: They said launch was three days away. Rebecca: So? Tsuneo: It's contradicting itself *again!* Rebecca: So? Tsuneo: My head hurts. > Inside the plane... > Tom used the radio to talk in the plane. > "Hello, this is your pilot, Tom Dyron. We are going in outter space to fry some > alien ass, get in the middle of nowhere Rick: So they're going to Iowa? > and other stuff you don't wanna know about! Dan: Admit it, you haven't got a clue, do you? > If my synchronization fucks up or if I hit 400%, then, you people will > be allowed to scream "We're screwed!!!!!!!". Rebecca: Of course, you could always change pilots. > This was your pilot speaking." Rick: What an encouraging message. > said Tom as he put the radio down. He heard everyone laugh. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Get me off this ship! > "Nice, Tom!" said Kaji. > "Hey, security before everything!" said Tom. > "Security my ass!" responded Kaji. > "Yeah, you're right!" Dan: [Tom] You didn't actually say anything, but you're right anyway. > Tom picked up the radio and said : > "Please, passengers, put your luggage under your seats and fasten your seat > belts. Rebecca: You mean they don't get overhead luggage compartments? How cheap is this airline? > If we are gonna crash, we have no parachutes but you can still jump out > if you want. The oxygen masks can be found up my ass! Rick: So what, did Asuka shine them up, turn them sideways and- Dan: Thank you. Rebecca: That being said, it's a rather amusing design feature. > Thank you for understanding. All: We don't. > For lunch, just work your ass off at Space Donalds!" > Everyone laughed again. Rebecca: The pilot's barking mad and the emergency systems are fitted rectally, but what's there to worry about? So what if the ship's completely untested and we're all untrained? And so what if our pilot doesn't know what he's doing or our flight path takes us through the sun? > "Well, we're ready to go!" said Tom as he fastened his seat belt. Dan: [Tom] please observe the "No Smoking" and "Invador attack" signs. > "Yup, let's go!" said Kaji as he fastened his. > "All of you got your seat belts on?" asked Tom with the radio and received a > yes as an answer. Tom waited for the signal to go. > "10 seconds before launch!" Maya said. > "10" > "9" > "8" > "7" Dan: [Tom] Er... What comes next? > "6" > "5" > "4" > "3" > "2" > "1" > "Blast off!!!" > Tom made the huge machine take off as he felt like his skin was getting > ripped off because of the speed. Rick: [Tom] My brains... Are going... Into my feet! > "Damn this!!" yelled Tom. > The space craft went at full speed as they got out of the earth's gravity > and headed straight in the direction of the sun. > "O.K." Tom said, "Two weeks before getting near the sun, then one week to > get near D.E.L.T.A. same for the trip back!" Tsuneo: I thought DELTA was in the same orbit as Earth. Rebecca: It is. Tsuneo: So why does it take half as long to cover the same distance? Rebecca: Because it's downhill. Tsuneo: Downhill? Rebecca: You give me a better explanation. > "Yeah, let's go tell the others that they can relax." said Kaji. Rick: Let's be fair, they can't relax for another six weeks. > Kaji and Tom got out of the cockpit and saw that the others were really pale. Dan: How would you notice in Rei's case? Rebecca: She's got colour. > "Damn, guys, don't be that scared, we barely went at Mach 50, Rebecca: By which point, you would have all been reduced to chunky salsa spread across the back wall and the air resistance would have flattened the ship, but never mind. > I think!" said Tom, Tsuneo: You don't know? What kind of half-assed pilot are you? Rick: Unfortunately, the needle stops at 35mph. > "You can unfasten your seat belt and do whatever the hell you guys want, now!" Dan: So they all throttled him. > They all unfastened their seat belts and ran to the toilets to throw up. Rebecca: I'm going to assume this ship has mysterious artificial gravity then. Otherwise it could get very, very messy. > "Some people just have a weak stomach!" said Tom. > "Damn right!" added Kaji. Dan: No, they just considered the possibility of having to use the oxygen masks. Rebecca: Wait until they see the in-flight meal. > About fifteen minutes later, the passengers made themselves comfortable and > took the luggages they had brought in their rooms. Tsuneo: So they each packed for six weeks and still miraculously managed to fit it underneath their seats? > When Shinji, Rei, Asuka > and Tom walked in their rooms, they thought they had just stepped in > paradise. Rick: Hadn't they already seen their rooms? Tsuneo: Yeah, but DJ had them redecorated. > The room had two bedrooms. Both separated with one king size bed in > each. A huge bath room and a 35 inch TV with VCR and movies to watch in a > desk under the TV. Dan: Damnit, this ship's better equipped than Misato's place. Rebecca: No wonder the ship's so big, all the room's taken up by the bedrooms. > "Guys, am I dreaming?" asked Tom as Asuka pinched him. Tom yelled and said, > "Damn, I ain't dreamin, this is real, kick ass!" > "Tom, you know what this means?" asked Shinji. Rick: Soylent green is made of people? Tsuneo: This is where Nerv's security budget went? > "I might have an idea..." said Tom. > "Movie nights and rough nights!!!" answered Shinji. Asuka came behind him and > punched him right on top of the face knocking him down. Rebecca: Better watch yourself, Shinji. Here Asuka can just dump you out of an airlock. > "Shinji, I told you, the kind of stuff not to say in front of girls!!!" said > Tom. Rick: [Shinji] But you were going to say it! Dan: [Tom] That's different. I've got the aura of smooth and you're just a little wiener. > "I had totaly forgotten!!" responded Shinji as they all laughed. > "Well, I'm gonna take a shower!" said Tom, "This take off has made me sweat as > hell, be right back!" Dan: [Tom] Don't you know? Making crude jokes about our untimely demise is hard work. > Tom rushed to the bathroom and saw a huge bathtub and said, Rick: [Tom] That's the biggest damn bidet I've ever seen. > "Forget about the > showers, come and see that!" Asuka, Shinji and Rei rushed seing what Tom meant. Rebecca: [Asuka] Yeah, it's a bathtub. So? Dan: That settles it, they've definitely got Mysterious Artificial Gravity. > They all starred and Shinji and Rei went out holding each other. Tsuneo: [Shinji] that's it? What's worth getting excited over a bathtub? > Tom grabbed Asuka by the arm and said : > "Wanna take the bath with me?" Rick: [Asuka] Sure, where do we take it to? > "Sure, Tom!" said Asuka as she blushed. Rebecca: [Asuka] Watch it. One false move, and you're getting off at the half way point. > They both went in the hot bath Dan: I hope you're going to clean up afterwards. > and relaxed. In the TV Room, Shinji and Rei were waiting for the others to watch a > movie. Tsuneo: [Shinji] It's been eighteen hours. I don't think they're coming out. > Tom and Asuka came out twenty minutes later, when they got out of the > bathroom, they saw Rei and Shinji standing up kissing. Tsuneo: Let's just skip over uninteresting stuff like character interaction since it doesn't involve Tom. > "Hey, the two lovers, we're back, let's watch something!" said Tom as the two > turned around blushing. Tom looked at the movies to watch and said : > "Guys, wanna watch movies from the 20th century?" > "Sure!" they answered. Tsuneo: Remember kiddies, in all science fiction, nothing good happened in arts, literature or music since the end of the twentieth century. > "Well, here are my personal choices for tonight : Rick: [Tom] Waterworld, Biodome, Suburban Commando, Highlander II and... Titanic? Who let DJ Croft in here? > The Crow, Star Wars, Blade, Pulp Fiction or Deadman on Campus." Rick: [Asuka] So what do you want to watch? Dan: [Tom] Well, I- Rick: [Asuka] It doesn't matter what you want to watch! > Tom explained what each movie was, and Blade was chosen by vote, the four of > them voted for it. Tsuneo: So they chose a graphically violent, idiotic movie about an obscure Marvel character over the rest? Rebecca: Yeah, but you didn't see where Asuka tried to insert the tape. > After the movie was done, they went to the kitchen and > figured out all the others had already eaten. Dan: Something to do with the dirty dishes, I'm guessing. Rick: Hey Misato, it's already looking like your place. > Tom took out a box of spagetthis, Tsuneo: There's something about random plurals in this fic, but I can't quite figure it out. > and started boiling some water. He took out garlic, onions, tomatoes and beef. > He started making a Bolognese sauce. About twenty minutes later, the meal was > made and everyone was served. Rebecca: [Rei] I don't eat meat. Dan: [Tom] You do now! Rebecca: [Rei] Yes sir. > "Thanks, Tom!" said Asuka, Shinji and Rei as they ate their dinner. The days > on the ship all went like that Dan: What, including takeoff? Rick: So there's nothing to do except eat Tom's bolognese, take long baths and watch crap movies? Tsuneo: Seems that way. Rebecca: Why not amuse yourselves by stuffing each other down the main gun and firing? Rick: Say, what have John, Chuck and Chuck been doing all this time? Rebecca: You probably don't want to know. Suffice to say, it's special. Dan: I feel sorry for Ritsuko, actually. Tom's gang get king-sized beds and double rooms, Kaji and Misato get their own private love shack and she has to put up with the nothing twins. Rick: Triplets. Dan: Whatever. > until they came near the sun two weeks later. Tom rushed to the cockpit with Kaji. Dan: Well, now what Mr. Genius? Rick: [Tom] Was this on the flight plan? Rebecca: [Kaji] We kind of forgot about it. Tsuneo: Soon to be crispy critter and proud of it! > "You all get to your seats and fasten your seat belts!" ordered Tom as the > others did as Tom said. Rebecca: [Misato] How come Tom gets to order us around? I'm the highest ranking officer around here. Tsuneo: Yeah, but you're not the uberkid on a power trip. > "Kaji, what angle should I take exactly to take the least time to get around the > sun?" Rick: Um... Um... Kurt? Dan: I want to know hwy they didn't think about this when they set out. Rebecca: They didn't figure Mr. Sun would be that much of a problem. > "Let me figure that out..." as Kaji used the machines he had in front of him, Dan: Kaji, this is no time for a game of pong. Rick: [Kaji] It isn't? Rebecca: At least he isn't playing with his Thrustmaster. > "Make an angle of 54 degres to get around it and get behind the sun." Rebecca: I'm going to assume that's "turn 54 degrees then turn circle around," otherwise they could have just cut across orbit and avoided this whole flaming ball of hydrogen problem in the first place. Dan: This is almost as good as the crew in Macross Chronicles. > "Hai!" answered Tom as he did as Kaji said. The operation was fine but the > gravity of the sun made the ship shake a little. Tsuneo: How close were you planning to fly to that thing? Dan: [Tom] Close enough to get a wicked tan. > Tom and Kaji got out of the > cockpit and saw that the passengers were freaked out again. Rick: It's strange, but people freak out about falling into the sun so easily. > "Damn, you guys got scared again!" Tom said. > The passengers rushed to the toilets to throw up again. > "I said it once, and I'll say it twice, some people really have a weak > stomach!!!" said Tom. Rick: I think that's due to your cooking more than anything. > About a week later, they finaly arrived near planet D.E.L.T.A. Dan: Only another 50,000km until planet DELTA. Rebecca: Planet DELTA next exit. > It was a black planet with the sun as star, Tsuneo: Okay everyone, time the good, old fashioned... All: DUH! > it was way hotter than the earth considering the > distance between it and the sun. Tsuneo: So it isn't in earth's orbit after all, is it? Rebecca: Given that it's in a closer orbit, wouldn't someone have detected it by now? > It looked all black with craters all over it. Rick: Looks like my face before the year 12 formal. > "Let's get ready to charge the cannon!" ordered Ritsuko. > But suddenly, a group of flying Invadors came around the ship and started firing > at it. Dan: That's right, don't prep the big gun until you're within interceptor range. Tsuneo: Wouldn't you know it, it only works out to twelve kilometers. > Tom raised an AT Field while he was in the cockpit. > "The AT won't resist long!" said Ritsuko, "Get in your plug suits and get in > your Evas Children!!" Rebecca: [Ritsuko] And in that order this time. Rick: [Misato] Do I get to do anything around here? > "Hai!" said the Children as they rushed to the Evas while Kaji was firing at the > creatures with the cannons and missile launchers. Rick: [Misato] Hello? Are there any guns I can operate? Any ship systems I can check on? Anything I can do? Dan: Yeah, if anything else fails throw the spare Charles out the airlock as Invador bait. > The Children finaly made it in the Evas and got dropped. Rebecca: Safety cables would be nice. In fact it would be nice if the authour knew more about space than just from watching Star Wars. > "Children!" Ritsuko explained, "You have twenty minutes of power with that > capsule, you have an auto eject in case of emergency. Once you auto eject, you > have a jet pack we added that will last three minutes, got it?" Tsuneo: [Shinji] Why didn't you tell us any of this before? > "Hai!" > There were a huge number of beasts around the ship firing. Rick: Okay, who let them get that close? Dan: [Tom] Sorry. Wasn't watching the monitor. > Tom rushed on one as > fast as his Eva could and fired with its machine guns making the monster blow up Tsuneo: Wow, these Invadors are even weaker than the usual. And that's saying something. > as Tom yelled "Rock N Roll!!". Shinji saw one and destroyed it with his nuclear > based cannon, Rebecca: The death ray zorcher! Dan: [Shinji] Eat hot atoms, scumbag! > while Asuka was destroying on her side. Rick: Not actualy destroying anything, just destroying in general. > Rei came near one and nuked it in the mouth. Dan: A shot to the face. How nice. > An Invador came near Tom and breathed fire at him. Rebecca: Of course, since it's a vacuum with no air for combustion, that didn't actually accomplish anything. > Tom raised > his AT Field and deflected it back burning the Invador to death. All: Wuss! Rick: These guys are almost as lame as Imperial Stormtroopers. > He then rushed > next to another one and shot both its wings. The monster fell in the > intergalactic emptiness. Rebecca: Why? No gravity, you see. No up or down. It would just keep going on its present course. > Shinji hit another monster with its capsule in the head Rick: Huh? So the monster had a capsule on its head and he hit it? Dan: I guess so... > and knocked it out. The monster fell just like the previous one and died hitting > its home planet. Tsuneo: That'll take a while, unless they're only about a kilometer from the surface. > John started shooting everything he saw. Dan: [Tom] OW! Not me, you twerp! Rick: [John] That's right. Don't give me any specific description or direction. You go have fun killing Invadors in inventive ways. I'll hold the fort here. Don't worry about me, I'm special. > "Kick ass!" yelled Tom. "Now this is life!!!" Dan: No, this is a massacre. > "Don't be so happy Tom!" said Shinji, "Look at how many there are left!" > "The more the merrier!!!" said Tom. Rebecca: Can we have a clue here? You remember us? The readers? > He rushed back on one of the Invadors, raised his AT Field and pierced through > it. Rei blew one of the monster's head away with its machine gun. Dan: So it had a machine gun? And how many heads were left? Tsuneo: This is even more incoherent than the usual DELTA fight scene. > Asuka destroyed > the next one chopping its neck off with bullets. John nuked the next one in the > stomach. Dan: [Deep voice] Killing spree. Rebecca: [Asuka] I'm getting more frags than you are, nyeah! Rick: [John] That's not hard. Charles is doing better than me. > "I feel so powerful in this!!" said Asuka. Tsuneo: Tell me something that's new. > "Yeah, but those Invadors are weaker than the usual ones!!" added Tom. All: NAH! > "Yeah, you're right!" responded Tom. > Tom's capsule got bitten by a huge Invador, but he nuked it inside. Rebecca: So what, he took it indoors and then totaled it? > Tom got a clear shot at the plant Rick: They're running so low on Invadors they're flinging potplants at them. > and nuked it once saying "It might not do anything but it > shows my love for you, little motherfuckers!!!" Dan: That sounds like a responsible use of ammunition. Tsuneo: While Tom was off swearing at potplants, the Invadors slipped past him, tore the ship to shreds and killed everyone. > Suddenly, a few Invadors pierced > a side of the ship's AT Field and blasted a huge blast through the spacecraft as > everyone inside was shaken. Tsuneo: See? > "What da hell happened??" yelled Misato. Dan: There's a hole straight through the spacecraft. I thought you might have noticed. > "This is not good!!" screamed Ritsuko. > "What???" asked Misato. Rick: They destroyed all the beer. Rebecca: [Misato] NNNOOO!!! > "Our S2 Engine has been destroyed, so our AT is down, they'll keep on shooting! Tsuneo: So how come only the AT field's down and not, say life support? > I need to switch back to the back up S2 engine and quick!!" yelled Ritsuko. Dan: So... They had two engines... And no way to switch to the second one? Rebecca: Yep. This ship is screwed. Rick: Could you imagine how many lemon dice they were rolling? Rebecca: Not enough. > "Oh shit!" > During that moment, the Invadors continued blasting through the Star Eva and were > blowing up its layers of armor. Rebecca: Well so much for the quadruple plated armor element resistant. > Some of them were killed by the Evas but they kept > on coming. Inside, Ritsuko rushed to down to the Eva level and opened a huge door. > Inside there was the whole power supply. Dan: A hamster on a little wheel. > "We only have one more layer of defense before we're exposed!!" yelled Misato, "so > hurry da hell up!" > Ritsuko started reconnecting wires together. Rick: [Ritsuko] Let's see, the red wire connects to the... This is so difficult! > Suddenly, a huge blast was heard. > "The last layer has been pierced, hurry up!!!" screamed Misato. Tsuneo: So that explains the violent rushing noise and sudden lack of pressure. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Luckily I'm wearing my lab coat over a spacesuit. > Outside the spacecraft, suddenly, a huge blast was delivered and was heading > straight for the ship Suddenly, Tsuneo: The sentence continued. > the blast was deflected back by a powerful AT Field. > "What tha?" said Misato. Dan: [Misato] We're not dead? Rebecca: Not until you see the repair bill at least. > "Looks like I did it on time!!!" said Ritsuko. > "Woohoo, we're saved!" answered Misato. Rebecca: In a secular sense, of course. > The massacre lasted fifteen minutes until Tom's AT Field got pierced by a monster > and his capsule was going to explode. Tsuneo: So his AT field's pierced, no actual damage mind you, and yert his capsule's suddenly going to detonate? Bit of a design defect. > Tom auto-ejected and used its jet-pack to > fly to its attacker and chopped its head off using the progressive knife. Rick: So much for your incredibly huge guns. > Suddenly, he saw that Rei's AT Field had been pierced and her jet pack blown up. > She started falling in the middle of space. Rebecca: Right, sorry, we haven't shown how pathetically useless the female EVA pilots are recently. [Muttering] Falling in space. > Tom dve down to Rei as he suddenly > caught her by the right hand. Tom rushed to the plane, put Rei down and started > shooting every single monster he saw with the handgun. Dan: [Tom] Eat hot death everything in the vicinty! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! > Soon, the monsters were all dead. Rebecca: So much for the epic fight scene, folks. > "You all auto-eject on top of the plane, the Eva's feet will stay on it!" > "Hai!" Rick: It seems to me that they didn't rehearse, outline or even tell anyone about this plan. Tsuneo: Ritsuko's a big fan of improvisational theatre. > Tom was already on it with four minutes of power left. Dan: And Rei. Don't forget Rei. Rebecca: [Rei] I'm not doing anything. > The Children arrived on the space craft and Ritsuko brought up the Power Cannon. Rebecca: The huge phallic weapon of doom! (TM) > "Cannon loaded with nuclear energy, Evas, put your hands where its said on the > cannon!" ordered Ritsuko. Tsuneo: And they're just going to wish the cannon to work, are they? > The Children looked and saw that each Eva name was written on hands sign. They > all put their hands where they had to, and the cannon was loaded. > "Shinji, aim the cannon while Tom shoots!" said Misato. > "Hai!" Rick: [Shinji] Why do we have to do this? What are we doing out here? Don't they have controls for this thing inside the plane? Did anyone think this through? Hello? Dan: Hey, don't go dissing the megaweapon! > Shinji aimed the cannon right where he was ordered as Tom shot. Tsuneo: You're meant to fire after it's aimed. Rebecca: You're aiming at a planet. How hard can it be? Rick: Well, you could just graze the surface and giver it a new Grand Canyon. > A huge red beam of light came out of the cannon hitting the planet. Dan: About now Dr. Evil should sue them for stealing his plan. > Exactly thirty seconds later, Rebecca: [Chirpy] Check it out, Chet! We're dead! Rick: [Chirpy] That's right, Nina. > the planet exploded in millions of pieces as the Evas were taken back in with the > plat form that put the cannon up. Dan: Then, DELTA explode! Tsuneo: Have you ever heard of separating sentences? > The Children got out of their Evas and came back up, and changed in good clothes. Rick: No, I thought they'd spend the rest of the trip walking around in dripping wet plugsuits. > "Damn, that was cool!" said Tom. > "Damn right!" said Shinji. Dan: [Tom] Let's find another planet and blow that up too! > "That was pretty fun..." said John. Rebecca: [John] Okay, I said something. Can I go now? > "I kinda freaked out when my capsule was gonna explode!" said Tom. > "Yeah, I know, that must have been scary!" said Asuka. > "Hell it was!" said Tom. > "And Rei too got blown up, Dan: [Rei] Yeah yeah, just rub it in. Rick: [Rei] So what am I doing here? > we're lucky Tom got her!" said Shinji. > "It's all skills, boy!" responded Tom in a joking tone. Tsuneo: As he doesn't have any. Rick: Are you kidding? He's got MAD SKILLZ! > "Hahaha!" said Shinji, "but still, thanks a lot, dude!" > "Yeah, thank you so much, Tom!" said Rei. > "It's nothin', really!" said Tom flattered. > They all came back to the space craft, Dan: So what, they got dressed out on the hull? Rick: [Tom] I thought I felt a slight draft. > everything went just like to the trip to D.E.L.T.A. Rebecca: [Asuka] How many more times do we have to watch Blade? > until they arrived near the earth. Tsuneo: Let me guess, they didn't plan re-entry either. Rebecca: Of course, since it's got huge holes all ove rit, re-entry could be rather amusing. And brief. > "People, we're gonna land and it's gonna be tough!!" said Tom as he got in > contact by radio with the Nerv. > "Hello, "Star Eva", we receive you!" said Maya. > "Good, are we heading in the right direction?" asked Tom. Dan: Do you see a big blue thing in front of you? Rick: [Tom] Yes. Dan: Then yes. > "You're right on!" said Maya. > "How do you land that thing? Like a plane?" asked Tom. Tsuneo: You mean you didn't plan this? Rick: [Shinji] We're all doomed! Rebecca: [Misato] But I'm too nubile to die! > "Exactly, when you're going to arrive, just turn off the gaz, O.K.?" > "O.K." Dan: So what, you want him to switch off the engine? Rick: It's the standard procedure, see? Cut engine, all die. Even has it underlined. > When they arrived near Nerv, March 15th, 2018, Tom started putting the > spacecraft in position for a good landing. As he started going close to the place Tsuneo: Notice how they always start doing things but never actually do them? > where he was supposed to land, he almost forgot he had to cuz the gaz, Rick: I thought he cussed at everything. > but he fortunately did. Rebecca: It's not the kind of thing you just forget. It's sort of vital and all. > He watched as the spacecraft's reactors went up Dan: Boom. > and pushed the vehicle up in the air as it landed softly on the ground. Tsuneo: So it went up... to land... or it... AACK! I've gone blind! > When Tom got out of the > cockpit, everyone was already rushing for their luggages. Dan: What do you know, Ritsuko's bags ended up on Mars. > Here ended the trip in space and the end of the D.E.L.T.A. planet... Tsuneo: And DELTA Invasion! > End of Genesis 0:22 [The TV switches off] Voice: Actually, there's another four chapters to go. All: What? Tsuneo: Guess I was right about that thirteen chapters bit. Dan: He's amazingly predictable, this authour. Rick: Say, that gives me an idea... Voice: Well do your reviews first. Tsuneo: The pacing in this chapter was ridiculous. There's a pointless Invador fight at the start just to waste time, they spend ages introducing the ship and taking off, then suddenly they're at DELTA. The trip there and back, including the extremely loopy battle took less time that the description of the ship. Basically, it was half over before it even started. Dan: The writing's reached even more ridiculous levels. They start to do things all the time, there's random plurals and everything is "the" something, like "the Nerv" or "the DELTA" and so on. And then there's the two Charles'. Rebecca: Its pretty clear that the authour doesn't know anything about space travel or space combat beyond what he's seen in movies. There's things like how the Invadors just "fall" into space when there's no reason for them to. I mean, if theur wings were shot off they'd just hang there and look stupid. And as for the trip to DELTA itself... It seems that no-one considered that they might have to go around the sun until they actually got there. Did they expect it to move or something? Rick: There's a lot of redundant stuff in this chapter as well. Like bringing Charles along, for example. What did he do? Nothing. What did he add to the story? Nothing. What did he achieve? He duplicated himself, but that was about it. Now that I think about it, I'm really wondering why John's even in the story. He doesn't ever do anything anyway. Besides be special and change his origin. Tsuneo: Question is, what happens next? Dan: Dunno. DELTA's gone, so presumably there's no more Invadors. Rick: I know what can tell us. Dan: Oh? Rick: The random Delta Invasion chapter generator. Rebecca: Good idea. It's sufficiently predictable. Tsuneo: I like it. Rick: Obviously it'll require some work. Dan: Say, where does the bit about the rubber fetish go? Rick: Right after John's new original story and family members. [They file out, discussing the generator. The screen goes blank] Voice: Hyperbole Something Convoy indeed! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley & Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > "The space craft, and John's brother can come too. Great!" said Ritsuko.