Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Number 44. And today, we have two Evangelion shorts. One of them is the first chapter of a Self-Insertion series that is also potentially a crossover. The other one... Well... what can we say? Evangelion is copyright Gainax. "An Evangelion Fanfic" is copyright somebody who didn't even put their name on it. "Issei Strikes Back" is copyright... gulp... Issei Mataloun. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Dan and Rebecca each walk in, each carrying a bundle of action figure packages.] Dan: Well, with the Star Wars rush, you've got to expect some cash-ins. Rebecca: Yeah, but this is just ridiculous. [They both put down their loads on the coffee table. Dan picks up one figure and examines it.] Dan: But you've got to admit, they're not all *that* bad. Rebecca: You're only saying that because of that particular figure. Dan: So? The moulding's great! Rebecca: It would have to be. [Rick and Tsuneo enter.] Tsuneo: Hi there, guys. Rick: Hey there - say, what have you guys got there? Rebecca: Oh, they're the latest shameless cash-in. Dan: As if. It's a line of good quality action figures. Rick: Do tell. Dan: It's the Star Wars/Kazei Five line. Tsuneo: Tacky doesn't begin to say it. Dan: Hey, they're cool! Rick: [Grabs the figure Dan's holding] I'll say! Tsuneo: Ling Ling Li as Princess Leia. Dan: See? What's wrong with that? Rebecca: The fact that it's her slave barge outfit? Tsuneo: Precisely. Dan: Yeah, well, in the grand tradition of Star Wars figures, there's about a million outfit variations. Tsuneo: Yeah. [Looks through the pile on the table.] Ling Ling in tight white robes, Ling Ling in tight Ewok outfit, Ling Ling in tight cammo gear... Rebecca: Yeah, I'm noticing a pattern forming here. Dan: Well, obviously there's more than that. Rick: Yeah! [Picks up a figure] Have a look at this one: Darth Shion. Rebecca: You know, I can imagine that, actually. Red light sabre and all. Rick: We've also got a Marta Solo. Dan: Makes sense. I can see her in the cantina already. Rick: And... [Picks up another figure] Grand Moff Noriko. Rebecca: What a peg warmer. Rick: Too right. [He throws the Grand Moff Noriko figure over his shoulder. Tsuneo stumbles to catch it.] Rebecca: Of course, they're not the only ones. Tsuneo: Oh? Rebecca: Take a look at these. [Picks up a figure from the table.] Dan Skywalker. Dan: Way cool! Tsuneo: I'll never watch Star Wars again. Rebecca: That's not all! They've got a 1990's Dan Skywalker, with scotch bottle and chain-smoking action. Rick: Perfect. Dan: Ah... Damn. Rick: Who am I? Rebecca: You're... Rick Veers, the AT-AT commander. Dan: What a sucky job. Rick: You kidding? AT-ATs are cool! Dan: Uh-huh. Rick: Come on, as a kid, I always wanted an AT-AT of my own. Dan: Uh-huh. Rick: At least I don't end up a chain-smoking, alcoholic wreck in "Mutronics - the Movie." Dan: Damn. Tsuneo: Have a look at this. [He picks up a figure.] There's Rebecca Antilles. They cast you as Wedge. Cool, huh? Rebecca: Yeah! I wouldn't mind being an X-Wing pilot. Tsuneo: So who do I get to be? Rebecca: Obi-Wan Tsuneo! Tsuneo: Cool! Rick: It also means you get to kiss up to Dan, and get killed off half way through the first movie. Tsuneo: Oh, well. I least I have a great swordfight with Darth Shion. Rebecca: We've also got about a zillion of Stormtrooper Karen with sledgehammer action out the back. They just won't sell. Rick: At least they'll keep the Norikos company. Dan: These are cool! Best of all, I get to work with Marta! Rebecca: And her co-pilot! Dan: Co-pilot? Rick: Yeah! I think it's the best of these match-ups. Dan: Do tell! Rebecca: Celena the Wookie! [Long pause.] Dan: You're right, you know. Tsuneo: If she sees that, she'll kill someone. Rick: Oh, well. It weren't my idea. Dan: And the fact that Chewbacca goes around naked. Dan & Rick: Ooohhh... Rebecca: Hopeless. Tsuneo: Oh, well. Maybe the fan mail will provide us with some intelligence. Rebecca: Have we got some? Tsuneo: Hold on... [Tsuneo fiddles with the mouse for a second.] Tsuneo: This one's form Mike Surbrook on CLT2: > Oh boy... crowing over being MSTed? Rebecca: Better believe it. These guys have problems. LOTS of problems. > BTW: > Dan: Is that anything like Fuzion Lite? > Tsuneo: One of the great evils of this world. > Which is why *I* play Hero System. Oh, and Dan better lay-off about being > some sort of hot-shit psychic, before the Empress comes over and kicks his > ass. She's an official, published, character and doesn't need to take > this crap anymore! Rick: You want Dan to stop being self-destructive? You wish. Tsuneo: Furthermore, she's in the same campaign as us. Dan: Uh... whoops. > -- > Rick: Insert your favourite Naga joke here. > Dan: Let's be fair; anything with her has *got* to be heavy. > Marta's newest fantasy: The Naga / Mai crossover lemon. Dan: I'm going to go off now and have a cold shower. A long, cold shower. > -- > Tsuneo: What's a Pibb? > American soda. All: Thanks. > -- > Rebecca: Just riffing. Besides, he's not my type. > Dan: Really, I thought big and dumb would be perfect for you. > Pssst! Dan? Yer' not a blond! > -- > Tsuneo: Oh, gods. I'm having NXE flashbacks. They'll be about as competent > as the agents in The Matrix. > Hey, the agents in the Matrix kicked ass! Agent Smith was great! Rick: Pity the rest of the movie was crap. > -- > Wow, the Old One formerly known as Prince? Tsuneo: Thanks. I may never sleep again. > -- > Uhm..., can I have some of whatever the author took? It must be great > stuff... > -- > > Shinji stared out the window, whispering to himself. "This seems > > sopeaceful. Like an ordinary day, at an ordinary school, being attended > > by ordinary people. > What the hell is *he* smoking? Rebecca: The same stuff as the Author. > -- > Dan: IDKFA. (Doom) > Tsuneo: FUNDS. (Duke Nukem) Tsuneo: Also Sim City. > Rebecca: ENOLAGAY. (?) Rebecca: Mechwarrior 2. Drops a Nuke on the map. Not too useful, as you are ground Zero. > Rick: OMGTKKYB. (?) Rick: From South Park 64. It unlocks all the characters. Guess what it stands for. > -- > Do it Voice. Dan: Let's not and say we did. Tsuneo: Well thanks, Mike. I jsut wish I knew what you were actually *saying.* Dan: Any more? Tsuneo: Just one from Paul Fauth: > > It's Cruel Lina's Thesis part 2. What more do you want? > Cruel Lina's Thesis part 3? Dan: Sicko. Tsuneo: Thanks again for writing in! Voice: Morning, guys. Rebecca: Hey there, Darth Voice. Rick: What's he so cheery about? Dan: I don't think we want to know. Voice: I've got you a pair of EVA shorts today. The first one's a side-story to a series you've already seen, the second one starts a new series. Dan: Sounds bad. Tsuneo: Side story? Oh, no... [They sit - Rick and Rebecca facing the TV, Dan & Tsuneo on the sideways couch. Tsuneo and Rick are closest on the corners.] > "Issei Strikes Back" Rick: Return of the red-eye. Tsuneo: Not *him.* > by Issei Mataloun Rebecca: Yes, *him*. > Mail me!!!!!!!!!!!! At EVAkid6@hotmail.com!!!! Dan: That's a very amusing domain name... > This is a story I made to come up with ideas foir the nect part of Hellstorm > Evangelion!! Tsuneo: That's only one sentence in, and I think my head's ready to explode. > Iwas soooooo stuck on the next part so I wrote this to pass > the time!!!!! But this don't have nothing to do with Hellstrom evangelion Dan: Issei misspelt the title. I think the world is perfect now. > okay?!?! This NEVER happens in the Hellstorm evangelion univrerse!!! Tsuneo: Continuity's way overrated anyway. Rick: Has this guy ever thought of going into comics? > I will have the sequal to that kickass series written soon!! I HATE > SCHOOOOOOOOL!!!!!! Dan: [Issei] Not that it's got anything to do with what I'm ranting about at the moment, but I hate school anyway. Rebecca: Issei goes to school? > Oh yeah pete's really a guy I know from school! Rick: Now he's dropping his friends in it. Rebecca: I'd like to drop his friends in it. > ************************ > Gendo sayed as he looked down and frowned Rick: [Gendo] Good help is so hard to find these days. > and sayed"ISSEI!!!!! You the sixth child and mankimds only haope Dan: [Shinji] What about me? Tsuneo: [Gendo] This is an Evangelion fanfic, thus you're not in it. > but you still say you wont a vacation?!?!?!?!?!?" > "Yeah and I better get it gendo! Or I'll ill ill.........." Tsuneo: [Issei] Use apostrophes! Rick: [Issei] Write another fanfic! Rebecca: [Issei] Contrive you into going to bed with me! Dan: [Gendo] Gah! Have a nice holiday. > "OKAY!!!!!!! You can have it but shinji can't go cuz he has to > stay here incase a nother demon shows up!!" Rick: Yeah, I can really see Gendo saying that. > "BUT BUT WHY?!?!?!" Dan: Didn't he just tell you? > "I just told you" he sayed and grinned evily. Rick: Well there you go. > Gedno was a piece of shit and Issei would have punched the fuck outy of him, Rebecca: I'd like to see the kid try. > but he was thankful > just to get what he did! So he just smiled while he bit his bottom lip and > sayed. "Yeah okay I guess I should Tsuneo: Start typing properly? Rebecca: Never! > pack my stuff then!!! Rebecca: If this turns into an intense packing scene, I'm leaving. > Whenever issei got out of his office he jumpedf into the air and > sayed "YAHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Dan: And this time was no exception. Rebecca: Well, he'd look pretty silly if he leapt into the air and yelled out "Lycos!" > he had wanted to go on a vacation for > a long time and now he was!! Too bad shinji couldn't go Rebecca: This is a bad thing? Can you imagine going on vacation with Shinji? Dan: Can you imagine going on vacation with Issei? > but it wood give > him something to look forard to! but now he was off to Tsuneo: -Maim the English language! Rick: Okay, Tsuneo, enough already. Tsuneo: Me? I've hardly started. > party harty!! > when he went outside a black car was waiting for him. Rick: And out stepped agents K and J. Rebecca: No, it was Ginger and Salt & Pepper. Rick: Whatever. But Kensuke was in the back. > it was nice and small, just like the one his friend Pete once had. Rebecca: That wasn't the only small thing Pete had. > A man stepped out of the car and sayed "Issei my boy good to see you chap!!" Tsuneo: Smarmy and British? Tsuneo & Rebecca: It's DJ Croft! Rebecca: DJ in Hellstorm. Now there is a truly terrifying thought. Tsuneo: But not undeserved. > Issei couldn't believe his eyes!!! it was his old friend that he > met from the Angel wars, Dan: Angel wars? Rick: Yeah, that was just between the Cola wars and the War of the Lance. > P.J.!!!! They had both ben ten whenever they mat. Tsuneo: So upon meeting, the both regress back to ten year-olds? > Pete Jeffrson was the person he had lost his virginty to. Rebecca: Now that is sick. Just plain sick. Rick: And I hope that the real world P.J kills Issei for that one. > He had been so > scared and shaky ther first time and P.J. had been so kewl and calm about > it. Dan: These are details I really don't want to know. > Tehy had borken up a long time ago but now he was back! He was whering > a black shirt, black pants and black shoos Rick: Shoo! Shoo! Naughty fic! Look what you did to the carpet. > that made his black hair even blacker!!! Dan: Black hair even blacker? All: Huh? Rebecca: Darkness beyond twilight... > (Kewl HUH? :)) Dan: No, it makes him look like he stepped out of the Matrix. > "PETE!!!!!!!! It's good to see you pal!!!!!!!!!!!" Issei sayed as > he huged him. Tsuneo: [Pete] Still committing atrocities to exclamation marks everywhere, huh? > "Yeah same here issei!!! I got a job for you." Rebecca: [P.J] And it's a real *bummer* of a job, too. [They all hail her with cushions.] Sorry. > "No thanks man, I got ta go on my vacation!" > PJ took out a gun and sayed "You'll go ordie!!!" Rebecca: [Issei] That's nice. What's an ordie? > Issei sayed "ACK!!" and got in the car. Pete drove. Dan: A twelve year old is driving? No, check that, Pete had this car when he was ten! Rick: And he'll probably have his first starship by fourteen. > They left Nerv and went places. Dan: You know, just places. > The lights were shining brightly and the world was growing strange and > hazy. Dan: What you are experiencing is a temporary distortion of reality. > Issei's eyes were bulging from starring at the hypno lights..... Tsuneo: Uh, where did those come from? > "I got a job for you Issei!! Only YOU can do IT!!!" Rick: Only you can save mankind! > "What is it?!?!?!" Issei sayed as they drove on. PJ smiled evily > and sayed "You'll see"!! Rebecca: [P.J] Did I mention I was evil? My bad. Dan: [P.J] Or should I go for a more urbane, Alan-Rickman-in-"Die Hard" vibe? Rick: [Issei] I think you should go for a Denis-Hopper-in-"Blue Velvet" approach. > He then stabbed Issei with a siringe and nocked him out. Dan: That's a tough syringe - oh, wait, there's something in it. > Isseis head spins Tsuneo: He does a full 360 and starts spewing. > and he fell to ther floor on the car. Pete > laghed "Hahahahaha!! Next stop THE DARK WORLD!!!" Rick: Change at the Dark World for Hell, the Abyss, the Demon World and K-Mart. > At that moment a strange portal opened up from the sky and sucked > the car into it. Rick: Talk about your road hazards. Dan: [Cartman] Aliens! > pete was still laughing as they went in as he turned out > the raido and began lsitening to some Ramstein. Dan: Then Shaed Bloodgrave appeared and kicked his ass. Rebecca: Yay! Dan: Tough luck, he's married. Tsuneo: You notice how much he rams in own musical tastes. > Then the portal swalowed them up and closed. Dan: [Belches loudly.] > **************************** > Issei woke up and he was in a jall cell with a fat old man Rick: Mal Colston? > in a > coat with a long beard and wrinkles all over his face.... he asked the old > man where they was? Tsuneo: I don't know. did he? > "WE're in the DARK WORLD!! All: TM. Dan: Seattle? > It's a place where evil rests Dan: It *is* Seattle! > and humans can't get there unless there tototally evil!! Dan: See, I told you... Rebecca: Yeah, funny. Tsuneo: No wonder Issei's there. > But idon't get it.............. Rebecca: And neither will we if you keep going with the dumb dots. > your just a kid!!! You houldn't be here!!!" Rick: Issei shouldn't be doing a *lot* of things he's doing. > "I don't get it either my friend Peter brought me here and I just > diont understand why. Dan: So what's the other option? Tsuneo: No, it's meant to be a separate sentence. Dan: It is? Tsuneo: Maybe not... > We were once boyfriendsa and now he had betrayed me. > Maybe it's cuz I'm a demon hunter!" Rebecca: Um, kid? that's not the kind of thing you want to say in the Dark World. Rick: TM. > "YOU ARE?!?! Then I'll have to kill youi and eat you!!!!" Rick: [Issei] Why? Dan: [Old Man] I dunno. Just because. > He > then turned into a giant lizard with slimy scale and red eyes and his tung > rolled out of his mouth. His body exploded and a new one came out Tsuneo: *Another* new one? Rick: [Issei] Is this going to take long? > which was HUGE and strong. "hahahahahaha!!!!" Rebecca: He's done the maniacal laugh, he's dead. Rick: If these demons didn't take so long to laugh and gloat, they might get somewhere. > Issei then jumped out of his way Tsuneo: So he was standing still, and Issei jumped out of his way? Makes sense. > and sent a kick to his side. Rick: Unfortunately, UPS lost it. > The > monster grabed at Issei but issei was quick and gave a karate chop to the > monster's face. Dan: Issei Mataloun action figure with karate chop action! > The monster screamed as he spit out some acid but Issei > jumped out of his way, took out his gun, [Rebecca giggles.] Rick: [Issei] I went swimming! Honest! There was shrinkage! > and then took out his gun Tsuneo: What, he did it twice? Rick: No, it's one of those scenes where they show the same action twice. Dan: Face it, John Woo gunfights don't work in text. > and shot > hin in the face. The monster turned back into thwe old man and exploded and > died......... Dan: Well, you'd think so. Tsuneo: Any reason why he turned back into the old man? Rick: Hey, he didn't let the demon say it's name before he killed it! > Issei then got out a chery bomb he got from nerv and tied it to the > bars. Rick: So much for security. RebeccA: Gods, they left the uberkid in the custody of a redshirt demon. > It exploded and Issei laughed and sayed "Ha no jell can stop the > great issei Mataloun!!!" All: Jell? Rick: Maybe he meant jelly? > then he got out and herard the sound of a evil > laugh coming from the distance. Dan: Looks like another lame disposable demon's coming up. Rick: He's wandered into Cruel Lina's Thesis! > It sent shiver to his spine. Tsuneo: Another classic example of Issei Mataloun's writing. Rick: Hell, they should hand these out on trading cards. > He ran to it > and sayed "I must stop wheoeber brot me here and kill them!!!" Dan: [Issei] Until they die of it. Tsuneo: Ever consider that maybe whoever brought- Rick: Ahem! Tsuneo: Oh, I'm sorry, *brot* you here is the only thing that can *brot* you back? Rebecca: "Brot?" Rick: It's one of those wonderful Star Trek TOS sound effects. > he ran towad the laughter................ Tsuneo: Towad? No, check that, I don't even want to *think* about that one. > When the laughter stoped and issei made it to a blackroom Rick: Opening the door unexpectedly and ruining the photographs. > with silver lights and a lot of people sitting there in the audienc. Rebecca: Is it just me, or is this just like a high school AD&D session? Rick: Eerily such, except there hasn't been any loot. > In the centre of the room they were a huge desk with a lot of paper on it. Dan: Oh, I get it, he's run into his principal's office. > Then There he was.......... Rick: [Extremely bored] I can't bear the suspense. Dan: [Announcer] In very, very black trunks, the king of all that is evil... > THE DEVIL!!! He was at a desk int he middle of the > room and was smiling, laughing evily. Tsuneo: I thought he said the laughter had stopped. > "You will never kill me you puny mortal!!! Dan: [Devil] I laugh at your pathetic attempts to harm me! Rick: Dan? Never, *ever* do that. > I AM FOREVER!!!!!!!" Rick: Or until the warranty expires. Rebecca: Well, chapter six of Hellstorm proved him wrong. > Isse pulled out his sword of light All: Light come forth! Tsuneo: Where'd he get that? I thought he only had his Sword of Power. Rick: Sword of Power is TM Mattel or some other damn company. Rebecca: Is that anything like the Long Sword of Honour? Dan: Girl, don't go there. > and sayed "I KILL WILL YOU DEVIL!!!" All: THINKER DELETE KEY! Rick: So he's going to kill Will Riker? Tsuneo: No, we've just got the Hong Kong subtitled version. > Then he strukc him in the stomcha and the devil laugh and fade > away!!! Where did he go? Issei thot. Tsuneo: "Thot?" Is that anything like "towad" or "grumped?" Rebecca: Don't think about it. You'll just burst your brain. Dan: Hey, wonder boy. I'll trade you a "sayed" for a "thot." Tsuneo: Ha, ha. > Just then he heard the same evil laugh he had heard before. Tsuneo: Oh, I get it. It was a different evil laugh. Rick: Well there's so many around here, it's hard to keep track. > PJ was behind Issei Tsuneo: GAAAH! Bad... image... won't go away... > and he laughed! All: Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. > Issei tuernd around and sayed "Why PJ WHY?!?!" Tsuneo: [P.J] Because you put me in this crappy fanfic. > "I told you I have a job for you!! Rick: [P.J] Take my wife our for the evening. Have some fun. > I once loved you and I now want you back!! Rebecca: [P.J] And your front! > You see, you will be my husband and we will rule over the Dark > World together!! Dan: Is it worth asking how P.J came to rule the Dark World? Tsuneo: Probably not. > Come to me Issei you will live forever in this darkness Rick: Well turn on a light! > and we will be fiorever happy!! Dan: Or at least until the divorce papers come through. > I will give you all the riches in the > world!! Come to me, Issei............. Rick: [Darth Vader] And we can rule the galaxy together as father and son. > I love you!!!" Rebecca: [P.J] I want to have your babies! No, wait, can't do that... > Issei pointed his gun at PJ and sayed "I could never love the lord > of the Dark World!!! Besides I love Shinji now and I could never betray > him!!!" Dan: [Issei] Um, let's see... It's a weenie little whiner or my old friend and king of the Dark World... Tough choice. > "COME TO ME ISSEI!!!!!!!!!" > "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Rick: [P.J] Oh, please? > Issei sayed as he took out his gun and pointed it at him. Tsuneo: Sorry, P.J, you're dead. The instant Issei pulls out that gun, it's all over for the poor shmuck on the other end. Rebecca: I'm just waiting for him to point it at a demon and say "'Till all are one." Rick: Bad girl! No WARenfeld in this room! > "Ubuyiki!!!!!" All: Gesundheit! > PJ shouted and laughed as a demon that looked like a > dragon with three heads and sharp fangs and yellow eyes slitherd of the > darkness Rick: Hey! It's Ghidora! > "Hahahahahahaha~!!! The devil is not the only one with demons!!! > With my children I will take you by force!!!" Dan: Man, I'd hate to see the mother. Rebecca: Genetics was really, *really* mean to you, kid. Seven tenticles came out from Ubuyiki and bound Issei by his arms, > legs, neck, and chest.... Rebecca: You don't want to know where the last one went. Rick, Dan & Tsuneo: O_o > The demon strangled him and squeezed the life out of his. Rebecca: Out of his... what? > Jolts of eltrocity flowed through them and shocked Issei. All: [Cheer wildly.] > He sceamed out loud when all of a sudden he heard shinj's voice... Rick: [Shinji] I'm sorry. [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion.] > "I love you Issei................." Rebecca: [Shinji] Especially with some mayonnaise on a bed of lettuce. Dan: Take that how you will. > Yes he could not let this demon kill him he would fight on for the > sake of his beloved Shiinji! With all of his might, [They all snigger.] > Issei squirmed out an > arm and raise it to heaven and sayed "ANGELS BEFORE ME GIVE ME STRENGTH AND > SAVE ME FROM THIS MONSTER!!!!!" Rick: He spelt it all correctly! It's a miracle! Tsuneo: [Deadpan] He missed a comma. > THEN HIS EYES GLOWED RED AND A LIGHT CAME > OUT OF THEM AND STRUCK AT THE DEMON BURNDING IT TO A CINDAR. Tsuneo: Man, Issei just contrived himself another power. Rebecca: Yeah, he's got death-ray eyes. > Nothing was left once Izssei was finished but ashes and blood. Tsuneo: Well, not if he "burnt it to a cinder." Rick: Is it just me, or do blood and gore follow Issei wherever he goes? > Pete shoted "SHIT Your an angel?!?!?" Dan: [Issei] Where's my angel? Oh, *I'm* an angel. My bad. > "Yes I am an angel and now you must be delvered!" Rick: With sufficient postage. Rebecca: Is that anything like "Deliverance?" Dan: Don't go there. > Issei tookm out his gun and shot Pete in the heart "I"M > SOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRY!!!!" Rick: Hey, Shinji's having an affect on him. > he yelled as he shot him. Tears came out ofhis > eyes as he pulled the trigger and he emptyed his load on PJ. Rebecca: Take that as you will. > PJ was crying to, wispering "I loved you Issei I just wanted to forever....." Dan: Forever what? Tsuneo: Um, P.J? You've been shot in the heart. You don't get any dying gasps. Rick: Shouldn't he have exploded by now? > "Pete why did you have to go evil?" Tsuneo: Don't ask me. You didn't bother telling us in the fic. > Issei bent down and kised him on the dieing lips and cryed even more. Rebecca: Care for a little necrophilia, Issei? > Then PJ started to melt away ionto > the shadows and a portal opened up were he was laying. Isse sayed "What the > fuck?!" then PJ's ghost came out Dan: Didn't he do that two years ago? > of it with another person whering a black robe and holding a scyth. Rick: Ah, dude, this is pretty ****ed up right here. Dan: It's Rhinox. Tsuneo: What? Dan: Don't you know? Rhinox is death. Tsuneo: ... Rebecca: An obscure one for Transfans everywhere. > Issei couldn't see his face but his voice was spooky and dead sounding. Tsuneo: He could get a job with ADV that way. > "You have done well Issei" sayed Death, the Lord of Darkness, Rick: It's not Rhinox, it's Mark Calloway. Tsuneo: ... > "For > that I will send you home but first, PJ would like to say something to > you........" Dan: But he's dead! Rick: Maybe Steven Hawking can help there. > PJ sayed "Yes I am sorry, Issei... I was taken by the Dark world All: Microsoft! > after I lost you Rebecca: You should have checked behind the couch! > and I am sorry that I did go to darkness..... Rick: [P.J] But on the upside, they do pay well. > it made me > evil and my evil mcreated the Dark World which became my world away from the > outside.... Tsuneo: So you got taken to the Dark World... Which made you evil... and that evil created... Owie. > I am sorry Issei but I wanted to destroy the world Tsuneo: *Everyone* in Issei fics wants to destroy the world. How about some originality? > but was going to keep you alive so that I could love you even more......... Rick: Well, that makes sense. Dan: Still, the Earth would be destroyed... Kind of a bummer. > I am no better than the devil!!!!!!!!!!" Tsuneo: You're not even in his league. He's got a Sword of Evil. Rick: Sword of Evil is TM some company or another. > Issei sayed "no you are not. You are a great person and I am sure > that you did not mean to do those things. Rebecca: Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge. Tsuneo: But he just said he did... Oh, never mind. > I'll see you in Heaven PJ when you > make it there...." Issei cryed even more cuz he knew that PJ would be send > to Hell. Rick: Express post, even. > Both of them knew it but they had to hope!! > PJ cryed and sayed "I wish I was going there...." and the two of > them vanished...Before they did Issei heard Death cry out "I'll see you > again Issei........" Dan: And there's a setup for the sequel. You have been warned. > **************************** > When Issei ran into Gendos office Rick: THWAP! [Issei] Ow... Who left that there? > Issei sayed imeditatly "I don't > weant a vacation!!! Let me stay!!!" Issei was breathing heavily.... Dan: Oooohhh... Rebecca: Down the phone. > he had > just come back into nerv after his fight with PJ and was bushed! All he > wanted know was to crawl back in bed with sinji!!! Rick: [Shinji] You cheat! WHACK! How dare you see that Sinji guy behind my back. > Gendo looked at his confused. "I thought you wanted one so bad you > were going to quit?! Now you don't want one? What's your problem, kid???" Rebecca: Too many to name. > Issei smiled and sayed "I guess somethings are more important that > fun..........." Dan: And there's your token moral lesson for the day. Rick: A moral lesson? In an Issei fic? The world's come to an end, I swear. > THE END! > YAHOOOO!!! That felt good to write! I was first going to make it a comedy > but then I guess I started wiritbng it and wanted to make it a sad love > story with a lot of kick ass action. Tsuneo: Action? What action? I didn't see any action. > I think it turned out REALLY good! Rick: You and you alone. > I hope you liked it to! Now I can get to work on the sequal to Hellstorm > Evangelion! Dan: Oh, please, don't on our account. Rebecca: Yeah, or Darth Voice is going to send it to us. Voice: ... > And trust me people it will be HUUUUUUGE!!! All: ShooooooooooW! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Voice: And now for the second half of our EVA extravaganza. Tsuneo: So what's it called. Voice: Um... I don't know, actually. Rick: Who wrote it? Voice: Uh... Not sure. there was no name on it. Dan: Oh boy, this is gonna go down hard. > All characters except Jin Hibiki are copyrighted to Gainax* Rebecca: I call self-insertion. Dan: No way! Wait until he sleazes onto someone of optional gender first. Rebbecca: Oh, come on. That's what Ben Hutchins and Larry Mann put on the top of Neon Axpipe Evangelion. > Chapter 1: Appearance Rick: It was a text file, about 27K long and poorly written. > Eva 01 shot the positron rifle as Eva 00 collapsed. Dan: Ow, I landed on my 8-sided dice. Tsuneo: Not funny. > The shot penetrated the > AT field and went right through the 5th Angel's core, killing it > instantaneously. Rebecca: See? I told you D8s were evil. Dan: This would never happen with a 10-sided dice. > The melted Eva 00 fell over and Eva 01 bent over to pull out > the entry plug. The pilot obviously worried about the girl that was sitting > in the melted 60 foot giant. Tsuneo: That it way, *way* off. Closest estimate is about 65 meters or 213 feet. Rick: [Shinji] Stuff her, My pop-tarts are ready. > Reports on the pilot's vital statistics proved that she was alive Rebecca: [Rei] You call this living? Tsuneo: ... > and well though. Dan: Well though what? Tsuneo: Well, though stuck in a crappy fanfic. > A cheer went up in the mobile command, > another Angel defeated, another battle won. Rick: Another two episodes on the shelves. Rebecca: Another few million dollars made from posters of Rei practically in the buff. > Suddenly, an alarm sounded, Maya looked at her screen and reported urgently, Dan: [Maya] We're deviating from the original episode! The fanfic's started! Rick: Pigs flew, seas boiled, fire and brimstone rained from the sky and Issei Mataloun won an award. > "Unidentified flying object approaching ." Rick: [Maya] It's coming down fa- Ah, whoops, never mind. > Shocked, Ritsuko looked at the screen and confirmed what Maya had just said. Rebecca: Yup, it's a swirly thing. Tsuneo: [Maya] Hey, boss, don't crimp on my station. Rick: [Ritsuko] Shut up Maya. You know your only job is to make me look better. > One Angel had just been defeated, could another one arrive so soon? Dan: I don't see why not... Rick: And they haven't even re-set the dinner table. > Misato's face ashened as she looked at Ritsuko, if > it was another Angel, there was absolutely no chance of winning. Tsuneo: Ah, just stab him with all the commas lying around and finish him off with a run-on sentence. > Eva 00 was in > no condition for battle and Eva 01 had stopped moving because of the lack of > power. Rick: They should switch battery brands. > Misato crossed her fingers as the MAGI computer analyzed the object. Rebecca [Computer voice]: Warning. Plot device detected. > Ritsuko glanced at the readout and blinked her eyes to confirm what she had > just seen. Rick: Misato's measurments? Dan: The third chapter of "Cruel Lina's Thesis?" Tsuneo: A diet soda without a yuckky aftertaste? Rebecca: DJ Croft's area? > She read the report out loud, "Unidentified object determined to > Evangelion." Rick: "Determined to Evangleion?" The hell? Rebecca: Well, if it's Unit 04 with Lisa Foster, I'm out of here. > This caused a loud exclamation to come from those who were > present. Makoto raised his head and said, Rebecca [Hyuga]: I gotta go bathroom. > "Object is not coming towards us, > it seems to be falling from a high altitude, estimated time of impact, 35 > seconds." Dan: [Hyuga] Please fasten all safety belts and place seats in an upright locked position. > The pilot opened his eyes, it had been so long, so long since he had been > able to open them. They had always seem to be so heavy. He looked at the > ground rushing up to him, smiled and thought to himself, Rick: What is that thing coming up to meet me? Dan: I wonder if it will be friends with me? > I made it. I finally made it back. Rick: Of course, the circumstances could be better... > Pain wracked his body as the giant robot impacted with the unyielding ground. All: TOGG! > Blood trickled from a deep gash in his forehead Tsuneo: How'd he get that in an EVA's cockpit? > and he blacked out once again. Dan: [Pilot] And I just woke up... > "Sent out the retrieval team for the pilot's of Eva 01 and Eva 00, tell them > to try and get the pilot of the strange Evangelion out too," Tsuneo: [Maya] Why? As existing characters, it just means we'll all be overshadowed and pushed into the background like we always are. > Misato said Rick: And in one breath, too! > after > receiving a report from Aoba that there were lifesigns present in the entry > plug of the new Evangelion. Dan: Well, you'd hope there would be life signs... Rebecca: And then collapsed, under the weight of that run-on sentence. > Her commands were obeyed down to the last letter > and she watched as the entry plug with 04 written in bold on the side Tsuneo: Aack! Lisa's in there! Don't open it! > spiraled out. The LCL fluid began draining out and she got her first look at > the pilot as the retrieval team pulled him out. [They all sigh in relief.] > "Not bad," She thought to herself. Rick: My god! His aura of smooth even works when he's unconscious! Rebecca: I told you it was an SI, but you didn't believe me. > ********************************************* > Shinji and Rei looked at the pilot on the bed, Rick: [Rei] Is it my turn to perform the ritual sacrifice yet? > who was breathing rather heavily Dan: Down the telephone. > due to the last infusion of sedatives he had taken. Rebecca: Man, he's drugged up to the eyeballs. > Misato-san had Tsuneo: Begun wondering why Japanese suffixes were now being used. > briefed them on what they knew about him which was basically zip. Rebecca: [Misato] He's got to be fourteen, he's got a gash on his forehead, is drugged up to the eyeballs and that plugsuit really shows off his *area* well. > A database > search of all the MAGI computers seemed to confirm that he did not exist. Rick: 404 object not found. Tsuneo: And our SI for the day promptly vanished in a puff of logic. Dan: [Shinji] What were we doing? Rebecca: [Rei] I can't remember. [Pause] Dan: [Shinji] Want some ice cream? Rebecca: [Rei] Yeah, alright. > Who then was this person sitting in front of them? Voice: I don't know. He didn't put his name on top of the damned fic. > Shinji thought to himself. > Shinji looked at Rei and wondered what her thoughts on the new pilot were. Dan: [Rei] From the smell, he needs to change his plugsuit. Rick: [Rei] Lime green? He has *really* bad taste. Tsuneo: [Rei] I wonder how much he'd go for on the black market? Rebecca: [Rei] All of a sudden, I have an inexplicable craving for a hamburger. > Her face was still wearing her usual unreadable expression and he could not > tell what she was thinking. Dan: No, she was just bored out of her mind. Rick: [Rei] Ho, hum... Three more fics to do today. > He had gotten used to that though, Ayanami just > did not show any emotion in most situations. Tsuneo: Thank you for stating what every EVA fan already knows. > In fact, if she had not smiled > at him that just now when he had rescued her, he would be liable to think of > her as a robot. Rick: That and the way her skin was peeling. > What person could show such utter lack of emotion and expression? Dan: Arnold Schwarzenegger? Rick: Christopher Lambert? Tsuneo: Jean Claude Van Damme? Rebecca: Echowarrior? Rick: I thought I said no WARenfeld in here! > The only other person that he could think of was his father and > he at least made some exceptions. Rebecca: Usually when Shinji screwed up or hurt himself. Tsuneo: Or was being uncharacteristically nasty in Neon Exodus. > The two turned at the sound of the door > sliding open and watched as Misato walked in. Dan: [Misato] It's a regular party in here! Pass us another beer. Rick: WARK! > " I need someone to stay with him until he wakes up, I think he'll talk more > to someone his age" Tsuneo: Well, that would work if there were some actual normal people his age around here. > she said and was surprised when Rei stepped forward to say, " I'll stay." Rebecca: [Rei] I have already been ensnared by the aura of smooth. Tsuneo: Is it just me, or is this very familiar ground? Rebecca: Scarily such. > "Try to get him to talk about himself okay. Rick: See what happens when you use up all your commas at the start? You've got none left over for when you need them. > What he's doing here and why he was piloting an Eva, things like that. Dan: [Misato] You know, stuff. > Here's a tape recorder, call me as soon as you got all he wants to say," Tsuneo: [Misato] I'm off to get my appearance fee and get out of this fic. > Misato told Rei and handed her a small black Rebecca: [Rei] Commander? Is this the right time? > box. Rebecca: Oh. Dan: Of course, it would be more useful if she gave Rei a tape recorder. > Rei nodded and watched as Misato and Shinji as they walked out of the > room. Then she brought a chair to the bed, sat and began her vigil. Rick: If this ends up like "Legend of the Red Eye", I'm out of here. > ******************************** > Rei looked as the pilot as he kept shouting no. Rebecca: Oy vey. Dan: This is a side of Rei we've never seen before. Rick: Well obviously, since she only does it when the guy's unconscious. [Tsuneo whacks them all with a cushion.] Tsuneo: Morons, the lot of you. > His body was jerking Rebecca: No, it's his hand the was jerking. Dan: HAND! Tsuneo: I give up. > and he appeared to be in great pain. Tsuneo: He's not the only one. > She didn't understand, he hadn't from any injury as far she knew. Dan: Except for that gash on his forehead. Tsuneo: And the odd word dropping out here and there. > Curious, Rei lifted her left hand and reached tentatively for > the pilot's shoulder in an effort to stop him from moving around so much. Tsuneo: Get real. She'd just sit and watch him suffer. Dan: [Rei] I like to watch. Tsuneo: ... > Jin looked at the darkness surrounding him. Rick: The Ministry had come for him. > He screamed but there was no sound, he wanted to kick out, Dan: But the ref had already reached three. > move away but he could not. No matter how he much > he struggled, he couldn't move. Rebecca: Viscera was sitting on him. > He could feel his body being deformed. Dan: Another sad victim of SD bug-outs. > Stretched and twisted by the strange gravitational pull of the place he was in. Rick: No, that was the effect of the muesli he had for breakfast. > The feeling was horrid, utterly disgusting and made him feel like vomiting. Tsuneo: So he's been reading Issei Mataloun fics too? > But here > he could do nothing. He could see nothing. He could hear nothing. He was > powerless and he hated it. Rebecca: He was Eleven. > What is the colour of nothing? Dan: is this one of those Zen things? Tsuneo: Dan, what is the sound of one hand clapping? Dan: Dunno... [Tsuneo slaps him.] > For that was what he saw, the gravitational pull > of this place was so powerful that it seemed to tear the light right out from his > eyes. Rick: That's gotta hurt. > Everywhere around him was the weird non-light that seemed to stretched over > the entire plane, he didn't want to see it anymore. Rebecca: So change the channel, already. > He felt some thing on his shoulder, a hand. Rick: A hand of fate. Manos. > A very warm hand, he hoped that it wouldn't let go. He grabbed > at it with both of his and slowly opened his eyes to find himself in the hospital > room. Tsuneo: [Jin] I hate this place. > There was a nice addition that most hospital rooms did not have though, a cute > babe that was waiting at his bedside. Dan: Well, it depends on how much you pay. > He looked at the girl whose hand he was > holding and noticed her face looked utterly devoid of any emotion. All: We know that. > Still, he felt > that she was very pretty, blue hair and skin that was so pale that it reminded > him of marble but there was something weird about her eyes. Were the irises > red in colour? Interesting, he thought and noticed the tape recorder lying on > her lap. > "Guess you want to know all about me, huh?" Tsuneo: Strangely suave for what he's been through. Rebecca: He's clearly studied the path of DJ. Rick: You know, that's just like Darkwind when he woke up in Sylia's place. [Long pause] Rebecca: Actually, this is a lot like Bret Handy's writing style. Dan: Hey, yeah. I mean, we've got run-ons, rogue commas and words dropping out everywhere. Rick: We've also got some of the most hilariously suspicious lines I've seen in ages. Tsuneo: That, and a super cool self-insertion. Rebecca: Scary, huh? Dan: God, I hope it's not him. Voice: Hmmm... I'll have to check this up. > Maverick said and sat up. Rebecca: Maverick? Rick: Maverick? Tsuneo: Who's Maverick? Dan: MAVERICK! > "Yes, if would let go of my hand. I could begin," the blue hair girl said. Tsuneo: My god, there's words dropping all over the place. > Maverick realized he still had her hand in a death grip Rebecca: The Jin Death Grip! One of the least terrifying finishing moves in the AAA. > and quickly released it, apologizing profusely. Rick: Oh, so now he's going to do everything Shinji does. > He noticed that she didn't seem to be angry though. Rebecca: This is getting more like NXE by the second. Rick: [Rei] I'm not angry. Really. Ignore the shotgun. > She just wanted it released for convenience sake and not for the fact that he had > been holding on to it for the past minute or so. This was getting very interesting. Tsuneo: For who? > He sat up and asked her, "So what do you want to know?" Dan: [Rei] Why I get the role of love interest in all these stupid fics. > The girl turned on the recorder and began to recite, Rebecca [Rei]: Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows... > " Who you are and where > you're from. Why are you piloting an Eva that isn't supposed to exist? How come > the MAGI computers don't have any record of you?" Rick [Rei]: What is the average annual rainfall in the Amazon Basin? What is the time in Beirut? What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? > Jin shot bolt upright and interrupted her, "What do you mean there's no record > of me and what's this about Eva 04 not existing. Tsuneo: [Jin] And why wasn't that a question? > It was built by NERV, the first > S2 entity, the first production model that doesn't need an external power source. Rebecca: Oh, great. So both him *and* his EVA have plot contrivances going for them. > You guys made the designs and it was produced in the second NERV headquarters in > Nevada. How can you not know about it." > The blue haired girl simply answered him with, "It does not exist. Tsuneo: Now that's sure to give him a complex or two. > The only > Evangelions that are working are Eva 00 prototype and Eva 01 test type. There are > no records of any other functioning Evangelions except these." Rick: [Rei] Whoops, sorry, forgot about unit 02. My bad. Rebecca: [Asuka] You dare forget the great Asuka's great EVA? WA-TAK! > Jin barely listened as his mind was racing to answer the question of existence. All: 42. > He arrived at a possible solution Rick: [Jin] 2 plus 2 *is* 4! > and decided to try out his theory, "What's today's date" Dan: Well, that was quick. > "4th of February, 2015," the girl answered. RebeccA: [Rei] Just past tea-time. > She did not react in the slightest > to this weird question and seemed to be waiting for him to explain. > "Oh god, I've traveled back in time. That was supposed to be impossible wasn't > it? But that was the only explanation that fit. He didn't exist because he > couldn't. Two of him could not coexist at the same place at the same time. Dan: And why the hell not? Rick: Maybe one of him's in limbo. Rebecca: No more obscure Marvel cracks for you. > That > was why he did not exist here, he had created two different timelines by having > jumped back in time. Tsuneo: Don't worry too much, no-one cares about the space-time continuum anyway. > One where he existed to the point that he had had time > traveled and one which he did not exist until the point that he traveled back > in time. How the hell did I know that?" Dan: Because you're the all knowing guy from the future. Rick: For the last time, no more WARenfeld! > Jin thought to himself. He was smart All: Of course. > but not that smart and he was sure quantum physics wasn't his specialty. Dan: Naw, just aura of smooth and Angel destruction. > He noticed the blue haired girl was still looking at him Tsuneo: [Rei, bored] This is *so* fascinating. > and quickly said, "Sorry, just sorting out my thoughts. Rick: [Jin] I have to find them first. > You know, I don't even know your name." > "Rei. Ayanami Rei," Rei replied. Dan: [Rei] Liscence to kill. > "Well, Ayanami-san. I'm going to try to answer all the questions you asked me. > Unfortunately, it's rather incredible. I'm not even sure I believe it myself." All: We don't. > "Before I do that though, I want to see the Eva, where is it?" Rebecca: Sorry, we can't do that. It's taken out a restraining order on you. > "It is frozen in bakelite and is at the Eva cages. Do you want to go there?" > Rei answered. Dan: [Rei] Feeding time's in five minutes. > "If you would direct me of course," Jin had barely finished when Rei got out > of her chair and began marching towards the door. He quickly sprang out of bed Rick: Jin, you might want to put some clothes on first. Rebecca: [Jin] Stuff DJ, now you can all observe *my* area! Dan: Don't go there. Rebecca: [Grins] Never in my life. Tsuneo: [Rei] Tee-hee. It's just like Shinji's. > and fell into pace with her. Taking this as a good opportunity to examine her > at close range, he scanned her face Rick: Converted it into a jpeg file and posted it all over the net. > and confirmed his initial impression. She really is cute, Dan: [*Very* sarcastic] Gee. I can't possibly imagine where this is going. > he scanned downwards, Rick: And posted *that* all over the net, too. > really pale though and he hadn't seen her > show any thing resembling an expression for the past fifteen minutes though. Tsuneo: That was fifteen minutes? Dan: It seemed like more. Rick: No, it just took him that long to find his thoughts. > In fact, she hadn't even blinked, didn't her eyes get dry? Tsuneo: Yes, she blinks. > They arrived at the Eva cages and Jin took the time to look at the silver > face of Eva 04. Rick: Looks like he got scammed on the EVA-04 model too. Dan: Yeah, what a rip-off. It's a recoloured EVA-03 with a different weapons rack. Big deal. Tsuneo: ... > Ugly was the word for the thing All: Ugly! Dan: Jay Leno in a guest role as Unit 04. > but it had presumably saved he's life so he couldn't complain. Rebecca: On the other hand, we can. > But he didn't like not knowing about things and > there was a helluva lot he did not know about Eva. Tsuneo: The movies, for starters. > The way it was looking at > him now, it was almost as if it was recognizing his presence, Dan: [EVA-04] I don't like you. > acknowledging him > as it's rightful pilot after they had gone through that ordeal together. Rick: [Deep voice] They started out as just EVA and pilot, but through their horrible ordeal, a unique bond formed. Rebecca: So his aura of smooth's working on the EVA too? Dan: I'd like to see him explain *that* in the morning. Tsuneo: Aack! > Jin > may not understand much about this Eva but he did know one comforting fact, it > was on his side. Rick: That is, until it bites his head off. > "Let's start okay. My name is Jin, Tsuneo: [Jin] Jin Kazama. Did I mention I'm the devil? Rick: If this crosses over into Tekken, I'm outta here. > Hibiki Jin. My parents are Japanese but we > live in America. We weren't rich but we were never hungry. Dad worked at > construction sites and my Mum raised prized pigs that fought in competitions. Dan: So, in other words, he's Ryoga's kid. Great. Rebecca: Is it just me, or do the most powerful auras of smooth come from the characters with the dumbest origins? Tsuneo: I think you're on to something there. > Funny huh, but that was her job and it helped feed us so I didn't complain," > Jin continued to stare at the Eva as he said this, turning his back to Rei. > "Then it happened, my Mum contracted some sort of strange disease, doctors > didn't know what it was, all they could do was keep her alive by putting her > on life support. Tsuneo: Struck down in her prime by a fatal run-on sentence. > The bills were expensive and we never had much money so I > started fighting in competitions, cage fights, ring matches, Tsuneo: The King of Fighters tournament. Rick: Hardcore championships. Dan: Tag Team battles. Rebecca: And Evening Gown matches. > you name it, I fought it. Rick: [Announcer] Jin Hibiki versus ten wild lions! Dan: [Jin] Oops. > I was always the youngest contender All: Of course. Tsuneo: [Jin] But being the uberkid naturally meant I was the best. > and a lot of them would look down on me Rick: Especially the ones over six feet tall. Dan: Hell, even Owen Hart could look down on this guy. > so I won much more through the side bets. Dad wasn't happy that I was > using the skills he taught me for this Rebecca: Take that how you will. > but it was just to keep mum alive so I > carried on. My parents and I were never close and I could feel the distance > between us growing wider and deeper with each passing day. Dan: Insert obligatory angst-ridden origin story here. > Then one day, the > principal called me to the office and said I had been chosen by this Muldock > organization Tsuneo: Guess he got the fansubbed version too. > for some kind of test. I agreed since the money they offered was good Rick: [Rei] You get *paid?* > and they promised to shift my mum to a better hospital. Dan: [Jin] Dad can go rot, but who gives a rat's ass about him. > So I was sent to the Nerv HQ in Nevada Rick: Which operated out of a casino in Las Vegas. > and I was put through more check-ups than a homecoming astronaut." Rebecca: [Ike] Anal probe. > "After a week of so, they finally stuck me in the Eva Dan: With superglue. > and when they powered > it up. Something happened, I don't know what but this gaping hole appeared out > of nowhere Rick: [Jin] In the seat of my pants. > and started pulling everything in. My guess it's some kind of black hole, Rebecca: More like a plot hole. > a tear in the fabric of time. I guessed that I finally came out of the > other side of the hole and I presume this is how I ended up here." Tsuneo: Doesn't explain why it dumped you in Japan, though. > Rei nodded and clicked off the recorded. She turned around and said thank you > for your cooperation before moving away. Maverick Dan: Who's this Maverick guy anyway? Tsuneo: I think Jin can't decide what his name is. Rick: Yeah, it suits him to give himself a supposedly slick nickname. > looked at the retreating > figure and shouted to her back, "Where are you going?" Dan: [Rei] To talk to my agent. Tsuneo: [Rei] I'm getting out of this crappy fanfic. > Rei turned around and said, "Why do you ask?" > Maverick gave a lop-sided smile and replied, "Simple, I'm concerned for your > safety." Rick: Yeah, sure. She's going to get mugged in the middle of NERV headquarters. > Rei shook her head again and repeated that she did not understand. Rebecca: And wanted to know where the tea was. > Maverick's smile widened into a grin and he said, Dan: [Jin] I'm gonna get lucky! > "You're too cute to be hurt, that's why. > I'll walk you home, I hate hospital rooms any way. Besides, you can't force me > to stay here." Tsuneo: About then she drew an effing big pistol and said "Yes, I can." Rebecca: Anyway, that's Gendo's job. Rick: Speaking of which, where is our evil commander-in-chief? You'd think he'd be overseeing this all personally. Dan: He's off being redundant again. > Rei seem to consider for a second and then nodded. No instructions had been > passed down to her about not allowing him to leave the premises of NERV HQ. Tsuneo: Oh, come *on.* That's about the first thing Gendo would do. > She > begin to move quickly and she could hear him moving into step behind him. She > thought he was weird, Rick: *Rei* thinks someone's weird? That *is* bad! Dan: [Rei] If only he'd stop following me. > nobody had ever said she was cute Dan: And she's been going to school for how long? And with which people in the same class? > and she did not whether > he meant it or not. She just didn't understand people enough to answer that > question. She couldn't really grasp what sort of feeling he was giving her Rebecca: On the backside. Dan: HAND! > though so she ignored it. She looked down at the tape recorder in her hand > nd remembered that Misato had said to call her when the recording was done. She > turned around and said, "I have to get this tape to Captain Katsuragi." Rick: [Rei] It's overdue, and she'll start charging late fines. > Jin nodded and suddenly realized that he was still in his plug suit, Rebecca: That's a relief. Tsuneo: Still, I see no reason why they'd lay him up in a hospital room in his plugsuit. Rebecca: Me neither, but it's better than the alternatives. Tsuneo: Too right. > he had > grown so accustomed to it that he had not realize that he still had it on. Well, > it was the middle of the night, in fact it was so late it was morning so there > were not many people on the streets. Rebecca: And most of those who were wore their own tight rubber outfits. > ********************************** > Jin leaned against the wall as he watched Rei push the doorbell. All: INTENSE DOORBELL PUSHING ACTION! > She had not spoken a single word all throughout the walk here. Tsuneo: That's one hell of a walk. ? Man, she sure was quiet but > he liked it that way, gave him some time to memorize the layout of the city and > organize his impressions of her. Rick: Boy this guy's single minded. He doesn't seem to think about *anything* but Rei. > Nobody was coming to the door, doorbell wasn't working. Time to try something > else, he motioned for Rei to move aside and gave her a "Trust me" wink. Dan: Okay, but you're paying for it. > He bunched his hands into fists and starting hammering on the door. Rick: [Misato] Go away! > That would definitely > work, in fact he had already roused a few "shut up" and "keep it down there" from > the neighbors. Rebecca: And one "Can I come out and watch?" Rick: Not to mention three saucepans, two old shoes, four tin cans and a cat. > The banging awoke a bleary Shinji and he came to open the door Dan: [Shinji] Go away, we don't want any. SLAM! > while Misato just huddled deeper under her blanket and went back to sleep. Rebecca: Let's face it: nothing shifts a sleeping Misato. > He looked at the two people at his door through half open eyes and asked, Rebecca: [Shinji] Okay, Rei, which corner did you pick this one off? Dan: [Shinji as Lurch] You rang? > "Ohaiyo, Ayanami-san, what brings you here?" Tsuneo: [Shinji] And why isn't anyone else here talking in fanboy Japapnese? > Rei held the tape towards Shinji and said, "Captain Katsuragi asked me to pass > this to her as soon as possible." Rick: But this is just ridiculous. Dan: Good old Rei. As literal as ever. > Shinji took the tape and began to close the door when Jin put his foot in the > doorway and said, Tsuneo: [Jin] Ouch. That was one of my favourite feet. > "I need to see this Captain Katsuragi. She's san officer Rebecca: Ans an gentleperson. Rick: I think we won't have any MGDinobot either. > in NERV, right? I want to know what they are planning to do with me." Dan: Uh, no you don't, kid. > Shinji let the two of them in and the three of them went to knock on Misato's > door. They heard a variety of groans and moans from inside Rebecca: Seems like Misato might not want to be disturbed. She's having too much fun on her own. > and decided to check it out. Rick: Guys... you might not want to do that. > Rei stood to the side while Shinji and Maverick slid the door open to > reveal a room that seemed to have had a hurricane go through it. Dan: Look, just say Misato's bedroom. We'll all understand. > In the center of the chaos was a blanket with a vaguely humanoid shape under it. Rick: Oh look, it's the creature from the black bedroom. > "How are we going to wake her up," Jin asked as the shape under the blanket > began to snore. Dan: Oh come on, Jin, figure it out! Tsuneo: [Shinji] You're the uberkid, you tell me. > Shinji looked at the new pilot and said, "This is what I usually do." Rebecca: And he pulled down his pants... > He moved towards the blanket and screamed, "Misato-san, all the beer in the > refrigerator is gone." Rebecca: Uh, yeah, that too. > The shape under the blankets began to stir and mess of purple hair appeared. > It was followed by the face of its owner which asked in a hoarse voice, Dan: [Mr. Ed] Wilbur. > "Can't this wait till morning." Rick: Well, you'd think so. Rebecca: [Jin] No! I want some action, and I want it now! > Looking around, she noticed the new pilot and the serious look on Jin's face, > she said, "Now what are you doing here? Tsuneo: [Jin] I'm gonna move in and take over all your lives. > Oh, don't tell me now, stay here tonight and we'll talk in the morning" Dan: [Jin] You hear that? She practically threw herself at me! > Noticing that Rei was there too, she turned towards her and said, "That goes > for you too, Rei." Rebecca: [Misato] You can sleep in my room, Rei. > The head disappeared under the blanket and with it, all the questions that > Jin wanted to ask. He held up his hands in an "oh well" gesture and motioned > for Shinji to come out. Dan: -With him. Rebecca: Ah, good old Hellstorm logic. > Shinji rubbed his eyes and said in reply to Jin's unspoken question, Dan: [Shinji] Sorry, I'mn spoken for. > "Spare room's down the hall to the left." Tsuneo: Past the alligator pit. Rebecca: After the spike trap. Rick: And just before the rotating knives. > After saying that, Shinji moved to his bedroom and shut the door behind him. > Maverick looked at the closed door, turned to Rei and said, "That was sudden. Tsuneo: The author got bored. > I didn't plan on staying here tonight. Rick: so where did you plan on staying? > You take the bed, I'll sleep on the floor." Dan: [Rei] Fine, but don;'t expect any noble martyr crap like me offering you the bed instead. Rick: I suppose this is going to lead to another "Rei being gratuitously nude" scene. > Both of them moved to the room, Rei plopped Rebvecca: Plop! > onto the bed without a word and fell asleep. Dan: Oh, well, there you go. > Jin folded his arms behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. > A new beginning, Rick: A new hope. Dan: Chapter four. > I wonder how this life will turn out. Before closing his eyes > and falling asleep, he muttered under his breath Dan: [Jin] What's with these talking fleas? > "Ayanami Rei, I look forward to knowing you better." Rebecca: Take that how you will. [The Undertaker's WWF theme suddenly cues up out of nowhere as the door swings open. A tall, bulky figure in black robes and carrying a scythe walks in. It puts down the scythe and pulls out a Huge Whup-Ass Chaingun Of Doom (TM) and empties several thousand rounds into the TV. It then puts the gun away, picks up the scythe and leaves, the door shutting automatically behind it] Voice: What the... Rebecca: Well, there you go. Rhinox *is* death. Voice: So, what did you think? Rebecca: Well, "Issei Strikes Back" was pretty much the same as Hellstorm Evangelion - a piece of incoherent filth that was barely worth the effort of reading it. And as for the second fic - Well... What can I say? Blatant Self-Insertion if ever I saw it. But at least it had a few hilariously suspect lines. Rick: I must add that "Issei Strikes Back" was pretty much what we've come to expect from Issei. A 100% incoherent mess that is strangely amusing in a sick kind of way. I'm not sure if there's any more of the second fic, but I suspect that it'd follow my expectations if there was. Dan: Well... I mean... God damn it, it's Issei! What do you want? Vocie: And the second one? Dan: Well, The thing that got me was that Jin was an annoyingly smarmy git. Tsuneo: Thanks for that. Both of them were rather poorly written, especially Issei Strikes back. It showed quite a lack of planning, too; it just seemed like Issei was putting down anything that came into his head. Jin's fic also had some particularly bad moments, specifically the way he follows around Rei nigh-on obsessively. Voice: Thanks again, guys. Rick: Whatever. Hey, anyone want a Bobba Isavia? A bounty hunter armed with a deadly personality! Tsuneo: I'll pass. Dan: Let's go before they make any more action figures out of us. Rebecca: I'm with you on that one. Tsuneo: I'm not hanging around to see what they do with Janice, Elana and Maya. [They all get up and leave] Voice: Rhinox... is death? I suppose so... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > He was whering > a black shirt, black pants and black shoos that made his black hair even > blacker!!! (Kewl HUH? :)) > the three of them went to knock on Misato's > door. They heard a variety of groans and moans from inside