Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 57. I think. With all these Co-Mstings on, I can't keep track of them... Special thanks to the students of TAFE course 3601 at Bradfield College for giving me some good lines. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Neon Leviticus Evangelion is copyright someone who didn't even put their own name on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Rick and Rebecca are sitting on the forwards facing couch, waiting impatiently. Dan enters, carrying a large cardboard box.] Dan: Good news! [Dan carries the box over to the couches and unceremoniously dumps it on the coffee table.] Dan: They've finally arrived. Rebecca: About time. [Rebecca tears open the lid of the box. They all start taking action figure packages out of the box and examining them. Tsuneo enters.] Tsuneo: Hey, guys. How's things? Rick: Great! The shipment we were waiting on has finally arrived. [Tsuneo joins them by the couches.] Tsuneo: Oh, what's that? Dan: Well with all the recent rush of EVA SIs, some marketing boffin came up with this idea. Rebecca: EVA avatar action figures! All with their own unique accessories and action features. Tsuneo: Really? [Takes a figure out of the box.] Rick: Yeah! Like that one is DJ Croft with Beerswilling and Right Hand Shuffle action. Just position his arm to change between the features. Dan: And he comes with an overdetailed backpack and a can of Guiness. Neat, huh? Tsuneo: Yeah... What else is there? Rebecca: Well, there's also a Jon Ellis figure to lackey to him with absolutely No action feature. Tsuneo: I thought you said they all had action features? Rebecca: No, that's his feature. See, it says on the box "Jon Ellis with Absolutely No action feature!" Tsuneo: I'm amazed. Dan: This one's my favourite, though. [He opens a packet.] It's Isamu Mitsurugi. You remember, that kid from The Newcomer? Tsuneo: Vaguely. Dan: Well anyway, from his great "trampled by an EVA" scene, he's got EVA Squish action. Just push this button on the back, and the figure flattens itself. [Rick demonstrates.] Tsuneo: That's nice, but how do you fix it? Dan: Oh, don't worry, it fixes itself in a few hours. Tsuneo: Swell. [He takes another figure out of the box.] Let's see... "Issei Mataloun with Sword of Power-" Rick: TM. Tsuneo: "Big Pistol and Dies in Puddle Of Own Gore action?" This I've gotta see. [He opens the packet and retrieves the Issei figure.] Dan: Oh, it's brilliant. All the parts are spring loaded, so you just have to flip a catch - [Dan reaches over and flips a lever on the Issei figure's back. It bursts apart, scattering pieces all over the room.] - And there you go. Tsuneo: I'm keeping this one. Rebecca: Better take this one too. It's a Tom Dyron with Folding Steel Chair and Retcon action. Tsuneo: Why would I want that? Rebecca: Watch. Just squeeze the legs and it does a retcon. [Rebecca squeezes the Tom Dyron figure's legs. The Issei figure reassembles itself.] Tsuneo: ...Amazing. Rick: Let's see... We've also got an Anthony with Realistic Falling over action. Tsuneo: Serious? Rick: Actually, no. It can't balance, so no matter how many times you try and stand it up, it falls over again. Tsuneo: Just like the fic. Dan: They also made a Lisa Foster figure. She's got an Inane Jo accessory and Out Of The Closet action. Tsuneo: "Out of the closet action?" How does that... Actually no, I don't want to know. Rebecca: Good boy. But my favourite is the Jin Hibiki figure. [Rebecca holds up an empty blister pack.] Tsuneo: But there's nothing in there. Rebecca: Really? Guess they lost the figures. [Dead silence.] Rick: Seems strangely appropriate, actually. Tsuneo: And with that heady thought in mind, I'm going to do something to completely destroy my faith in reality. Dan: Which is? Tsuneo: Read the fanmail. Rick: Touche. [Tsuneo goes over to the computer] Rebecca: We got any? Tsuneo: Three. First of them's from Keith Palmer on on "Sailor Issei". Dan: [Shudders] > I've just read your MSTing of Issei Mataloun's "Issei Meets the Sailir > Scout Girls." My first reaction was to wonder just what an Issei Sailor > Moon fanfic would be like, as it didn't seem like the kind of anime he's > interested in. Dan: I honestly expected the Devil and Woodie to show up. He says on his page that he's a Sailor Moon fan. I have never been so ashamed in my life. Rebecca: Maybe he just finds Tux-Boy to be cute. > Then, I started reading it, and I simply couldn't believe it. Rick: You weren't the only one, really. Tsuneo: It leaves Hellstorm in the dirt. Hellstorm II is a different matter. > My usual reaction to a good MSTing is a silent smile, but I was > laughing out loud all the way within sentences of the opening, and I kept > laughing all the way through. It was short, but it was pure comedic gold. Rebecca: Really? We thought it was crap. > Once I was finished, after a brief struggle to maintain my sanity, I found > myself in denial. I couldn't believe that anyone could write a fanfic so > disturbingly, hilariously bad without intentionally setting out to do so. Tsuneo: Then you remembered Cruel Lina's Thesis. > Of course, Issei's got a lot of surprises. I am wondering if it's a recent > work, or if you just picked it at random from the steaming mess of his web > page. Rebecca: One day we will MST that. > If it's recent, not only does he not improve with practice or age, > but he gets worse! Rick: Believe it or not, it's his second newest piece of work. Sad, isn't it? > I'll just take this opportunity to respond to one of your comments to my > last letter: > >Tsuneo: In that case, I suggest you read "Bubblegum Zone." It will truly shock > >you. > I've already read it, about a year ago. Rick: Back in the summer of love... > I was trying to come to terms with > the fact that some SIs were regarded with respect and appreciation from > some people. It didn't quite have the arrogance of NXE or the > self-indulgence of Undocumented Features, and the writing was good. > However, I still couldn't believe that Bert could first convince the Knight > Sabres to sign on a man who came out of nowhere and then ring up > improvement after improvement on hardsuit technology forty years after his > time (even if he *did* come from the same university that I went to :P) Rick: On the upside, he makes a neat manager in AAA. Tsuneo: Generally, the only people who respect SI authors are other SI authors. Like how Brett Handy worked with Bert Van Millet during the writing of both Bugglegum Zone and Bubblegum Shift. > Until Delta Invasion part five arrives... Dan: Current predictions say that it will be here by 2007. Rick: Unless the Swarm eats it first. Tsuneo: And thankyou again, Keith. Next up from Mike on Sailor Issei... > What the fuck was THAT? Rick: "Issei Meets the Sailir Scout Girls." Obviously. > Oh god... that was painful, very painful. Dan: We try. > I'm so scared... I'm afraid to keep reading... I'm afraid to not keep > reading... Rebecca: Lucky bastard got a choice... Rick: And thanks Mike... I think. Tsuneo: And the next one is... Rather surprising, really. Dan: Go on, tell us. Tsuneo: well, it's from Tsunami. Rick: Who? Tsuneo: Believe it or not, the authour of Fate of the Children. She's commenting on "Sailor Issei." Rebecca: Scary. > I just read youre msting of "Issie meets the sailor scout grills." and I was > amazed and ecven shocked at how bad it avctually was. It seems that issei > hqas managed to get worse with time and practis, rather than hwat usaully > happenas to somone who doea the same thing a lot. Dan: It's scary. I mean, he knows we're MSTing them, but he doesn't take any advice. Kinda like CLT, really. > (And Issie counbts to that > as all his fandfis are the samre, really) Rick's constant references to > "puddles of there on gore" in issei's fics allways get me. Likewise, the > contant TMs whenever he uses his sword. That oner allways gets me. Rick: Kids got a point. Maybe we should vary our material. [Pause.] All: Nah. > I feel ashamed that i used to like his fics. (yes, there was a very good > reason but it's too personal and embarrasing to metnioon here). > Foirtunately, yuou guys have shown me that his fics, while bad, can be > rather funny as well. Dan: They are fun in a goofy kind of way. > Tsunami (5th) Tsuneo: Well... Thank you! That was a surprise. Dan: I wonder what it is today? Rick: Odds are it's another EVA fic. They seem to be crawling out of the woodwork these days. Voice: Morning all. Rebecca: Morning future Flair. Voice: You'll pay for that. Rebecca: Yeah, sure. Voice: Oh, yes. I've been holding this one for a special occasion like this. Dan: Great going, Rebecca. Rebecca: Whoops. Voice: Given our current theme, it's a nice little piece called "Neon Leviticus Evangelion." Suffer. Rebecca: Hey, don't look at me. He would have hit us with it anyway. Rick: Yeah. Later. [They sit - Rick and Rebecca facing the TV, Dan and Tsuneo on the sideways couch. Rick and Dan are closest on the corners.] [The TV switches on.] > Neon Leviticus Evangelion Tsuneo: Sooner or later fanfic writers are gonna run out of books in the bible. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "What?!?! Canada?!?!" Rick: That's right, you can go freeze with Jamie. Rebecca: watch it. Rick: Okay, you can go freeze with Samantha. Happy? Dan: I'd like to freeze with Samantha. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion.] > Shinji covered his ears. Hearing Asuka screaming too many times can really > get to your ear drums. All: ... Rebecca: I personally think hearing Asuka's voice once is more than enough. > "Yes. Commander Ikari says that Tokyo-3 has taken too much damage already. Tsuneo: What with that little incident involving Unit 00 and the 16th Angel. Dan: And since when has Nerv cared? > I'll be flying out to the new base to check it out." Replied Misato calmly. Rick: In Canada. Dan: Yup. [Pause] Rebecca: At least it's not Worcester or Toronto-3 or something stupid like that. Tsuneo: This is getting just plain stupid. And we're less than half a page into it! > "You will go there if the land does suit our ... needs. There's also a fifth > child there ..." All: Dah dah dum dum! > "FIFTH CHILD??" All: Dah dah dum dum daaah! > Shinji winced. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Oh well, time to pack up my valued collection of self- determination. > "Yes, they say that this fifth child is really an extraordinary person. All: They all are. Rebecca: Shinji might as well go home now and save himself the bother. > You'll meet him if and when you go to Canada." Rick: Since when has Nerv given him a choice? > Asuka sighed. No use in arguing. She went to her room, slamming the > dooraudibly behind her. Dan: It then fell off its hinges, but never mind. > Shinji turned to Misato to ask, "Are we really going to Canada??" Rebecca: Road trip! Road Trip! > "If all goes well, yes." > Jim Beckett checked his watch. Four o'clock. Tsuneo: [Jim] Time to put myself in the story. Those MiBs should be around any second now. Rick: [MiB] Pink with blue bears. Tsuneo: Don't remind me. > 'That Katsuragi lady said she'd meet me at two' thought Jim. Dan: Yeah, she's as punctual as ever. > Oh well. He hated waiting for women. Rebecca: Waiting for men was another matter. > She'd better be worth waiting for. He leaned back against his car, Tsuneo: Uberkid offence number one. > ran a hand through his shoulder-length brown and light brown-streaked hair, Rick: Hey, it's Andros from Power Rangers in Space! You know, the guy from the planet of the bad dye jobs? > his fingers touching the metal headband Dan: He's a headband person! I wonder if he's related to Kiyone? > that reminded him of his past and sighed. Rebecca: Let's see how generic this tragic past can get. Rick: Oh, that's from when Dark Beast cut open his head and pumped chemicals into his brain. > Then he turned to see a stunning purple-haired lady Dan: Could it be Ayeka? Rick: Or Sylphiel? Tsuneo: Or Naga. Rebecca: Or Azonia even. > standing by > the airport. He glanced back at the picture that was sent to him Rebecca: Shifted his hand to below his belt. > and stepped forward to introduce himself. Dan: Bond, James Bond. > "Major Katsuragi? Rick: No, captain Katsuragi. Have you seen my Orguss anywhere? Tsuneo: Nice and irrelevant, Rick. > I am Jim Beckett, the fifth children. All: GAH! Rick: And in his spare time he thinks he's Tom Dyron. > I have been instructed to be your guide to Toronto Rick: Where's the SDF-1 when you really, really need it? > for your stay here, as well as provide lodging for you." Rebecca: [Jim] Pity I've only got one bed, we'll have to share it, heh heh. > "Is this your car???" asked Misato Tsuneo: I hope not. Rick: [Jim] Yup, it's mine. I raised it from a puppy. > "Yes, being in this ... status ... does give me certain benefits. Rebecca: And it seems that one of them is an ability to impersonate DJ Croft. > If you'll step into my car, Dan: [Jim] You'll never be seen again. > I'll take you to my house." Tsuneo: Becketthenge! > She stepped in, and in a matter of moments, they were speeding down a > highway. Rick: So he parked on the side of a highway? Dan: That's what took Misato so long, she had to walk from the airport. > "Do you know everything about NERV?" asked Misato Tsuneo: Are you kidding? He knows everything about Nerv. He knows everything about Seele and Gehern, too. He's even heard of the Thrashing Gonberts. > "Everything relevant to NERV in Canada, yes." Rebecca: Just think about that line for a second. > 'Hm ... just like Commander Ikari ... no wasted words.' Thought Misato. Rick: It's not like he's had much of a chance to talk. > They drove in silence Dan: Then they got out and drove in a car. > for a while until they stopped at a large gate. Rick: Pay attention, folks. This'll all be in the test. > On the driver's side was a small intercom Tsuneo: And a menu for the drive-though window. > and identification slot where Jim slid a card. Dan: He punched in his pin number and got out a large wad of cash. > The gates swung open and he drove on to a large building. Rebecca: So he owns Genom tower? > "Are we going to the new NERV headquarters right now?" she asked. > "This is my house." Rick: [Jim] Actually this is the doghouse. My house is bigger. Tsuneo: Disgusting display of wealth, that's number three. > Before them rose a three story building that stretched to the size of a > shopping mall. Dan: It looks really funny because it was originally a tower. > It had a very impressive driveway Rebecca: Which he won't be bothered describing. > which connected to a > horseshoe-shaped set of stairs that led to the main doors framed by two > massive pillars. Rebecca: Don't mind Jim, he's compensating. > Getting out, he lifted Misato's two heavy suitcases with ease. Rick: Oh yeah, that's super strength. Incredible Hulk level at least. > Setting them in the main hall, he gestured for Misato to enter. A > tall man in a suit stepped out of the side door Dan: [Lurch] You rang? > to park the car. "That's Mark, Rebecca: Go on Mark, give him the chokeslam. You know you want to. > my manservant. He is also my chauffeur when I need a ride." Tsuneo: [Jim] He also plays pool, blackjack and makes a mean jelly bean and pickle sandwich. For what it's worth. > She took one step in and gasped. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dan: Because the chapter was over. > The main hall was ... well ... the main hall. Rick: Well, obviously. Rebecca: You have to point these things out. Some people get confused easily. > The ceiling went all the way to the top of the building, Tsuneo: Yeah, you'd be worried if it didn't. > where several large slabs of glass provided the room with natural light. Dan: It'd be neat if they were windows or something, rather than just slabs. Rick: I prefer the cholesterol reduced light, myself. > Around a small ledge that bordered the top of the walls, Rebecca: Lurked Batman and Sting, ready to pounce. Rick: And Die Fleidermouse. Never forget Die Fleidermouse. > fluorescent lighting reflected off the ceiling to bathe the room in > gentle light. A fireplace was on one side of the room, Tsuneo: This is one of the best decorated and most overdescribed halls I've ever seen. > around which several comfortable-looking chairs Rick: Cardinal Fang! Fetch the comfy chair! > and a table sat. In a corner of the > room, a small bar complete with stools occupied some area Dan: And whaddya know, there's Quark. > while a rich > thick rug covered the large expanse of space that was in the center of the > room. Tsuneo: Man, this hall of his must take up the whole house. > Misato took this all in with Rebecca: Disgust and a double scotch. Rick: [Misato] Damn, am I gonna have to lackey *again?* > awe. Another set of horseshoe-shaped staircase led to the second level. Tsuneo: What, between the ceiling and the top of the building? > "Those stairs lead to the private chambers." Jim said, "On the right is > the area I usually assign to guests. Dan: [Jim] You have to share it with the dogs. Hope you don't mind. > The left is mostly my private area. Rebecca: Jim's lovely suite. > I do not forbid you to enter this area, but advise you strongly against > doing so. Rick: *Man* he's pushy! Tsuneo: That would be crime number four then. Dan: Why, afraid she'll disturb your harem? > There are also several guest chambers there which I assign to my > more honored guests. Tsuneo: Misato obviously doesn't count in this category. Rebecca: [Jim] You get the room I reserve for pond scum and politicians. > If you'll follow me, Major Katsuragi, I will show you > to your room where you can settle in." Dan: [Jim] Pay no attention to the tortured screams coming from the basement. They're just your imagination. > "Please. Call me Misato." Rick: [Jim] And you can call me "Your Royal Highness." > He led the way down one hallway lined with Rebecca: Padding, funnily enough. > paintings Tsuneo: Of famous self-insertions throughout the ages. > and ended with a coat of armor. Dan: So is that at *suit* of armour or a coat of *arms?* Make up your mind. > Turning to his left, he indicated a wooden door. Rebecca: It's a door. Big deal. > She opened it Tsuneo: Open door. > to find a 'room' that had an amazingly tall ceiling, Rick: Those are going around quite a lot. Tsuneo: Yes, but did it reach to top of the building? > a huge king-sized bed sat against one wall. Dan: It would help if it wasn't on its side. > Beside it was a fairly large desk and on the other > side was a tall wardrobe. Rebecca: Oh look, it's Issei Mataloun's closet. > Along one of the far walls was a fireplace Tsuneo: It would be kind of weird if it was on two of them or the ceiling. Rick: Who's being the party mapper tonight? > and a curtain covered the wall opposite from the door. Dan: Why's it covering the wall? Shouldn't it be over the windows or something? > Along the same side as > the fireplace was a door that led into a private bathroom, Rebecca: If that gets this kind of description too, I'm leaving. > along with massaging tub. Rebecca: Jim spends a lot of special time with that thing. > Jim stepped over to the curtain and pulled it back to reveal Dan: A new car! > floor to ceiling windows that covered the entire wall. It also had > a set of doors All: INTENSE ROOM DESCRIPTION ACTION! Dan: What's the bets they never come back here? > that opened onto the baloney Tsuneo: Alright, this is officially wrong. Rick: What, has he got a huge pile of sausages outside or something? > which looked out to a large > field of green grass dotted by trees and bordered by a river on one side > and a forest on another. Rebecca: And a huge explosion as another group of wandering monsters get fireballed into oblivion. > A mountain in the back made this a painter's dream. Dan: [Jim] You like it? I made it myself. > Jim said, "If you have any problems, Tsuneo: It's a bit late for that. Rick: Jim, you're the one with problems. > speak to Kelvin, Dan: [Jim] The magic invisible elf. > the > computer." Turning, he asked the wall, "Kelvin? Are you there?" A > monotonous voice said, "Yes, Jim." Tsuneo: That does it. He's just trying to outdo DJ. Rick: Come on, Kelvin. Go psycho and sick Goldberg on them. You know you want to. > Jim handed her a small package Rebecca: [Jim] It's my laundry. I expect it ready by the morning. > and with > a brief "good night", left. Opening the package, she found a map of the > building, Tsuneo: Acquired key item: building map. > which also indicated where her room was, Rick: Hmm, you are here. > gave her a menu and the meal times, Dan: [Jim] You will eat this at this time. No variance will be allowed. [Normal] What a creep. > and a booklet regarding the new NERV headquarters. Rick: Nerv Headquarters user's guide. Page 1. Thank you for purchasing... > Shaking her > head, she put the package down on the desk and proceeded to unpack. Rebecca: And if he describes this, I'm killing someone. > The next morning, Jim sat in one end of the long dining table Rebecca: [Misato] Can you pass the salt? Dan: [Jim] Give me an hour or so... > to meet a groggy-looking Misato. Rick: Is there any other type of Misato in the morning? > The first thing she said was, "Do you have any beer?" Tsuneo: Of course he'll have forty-seven different imported varieties. Rick: And a Mr. Pibb. > Jim looked slightly surprised, but pressed a button on a display > built into the table. Dan: Revealing an entrance to the Batcave! Rick: You sure this is Jim Becket and not Jim *Williams?* > The fridge in the side opened up and revealed a Rebecca: Nice, cool penguin. > selection of beer. Misato grabbed one and gulped it down, letting out a Dan: Scream of pain as she discovered it was actually Jim's urine sample. Rick: [Jim] Sorry. Wrong fridge. > whoop as the cold beer slid down her throat. As they finished a leisurely > breakfast of French toast and orange juice, Rick: The choice of the rich and pretentious everywhere. > Jim settled back with a coffee while Misato went for another beer. Dan: [Jim] Beer, beer, beer. Do you ever think about anything else? Rebecca: [Misato] I spend a lot of time thinking about Kaji and the melons too. > "We will be going to the new NERV headquarters today." Tsuneo: [Jim] Did I mention that I own them too? > Then he left. Rebecca: Isn't he just charming? > Misato nodded and went off to her own room, pulling out her Rick: Sawed-off shotgun. > long dark blue uniform. > "Aren't we going in your car?" asked Misato as Jim led her to the basement. Tsuneo: And some Delta Invasion style scene changes to boot. Rick: [Jim] Actually, my basement *is* the new headquarters. Dunno where we're going to fit the EVAs, though... > "The new headquarters is situated behind those mountains. I have an > underground passageway that links directly to it, Dan: Via the Batcave. > while it can also be > accessed through a subway route underneath the normal subway that only NERV > personnel can get to." Rick: Ironically, the trains are always late and full of muggers. > With that, they stepped into a small bullet train > and sped off. Tsuneo: To infinity and beyond! > Misato noticed that the tunnel did not slope downwards. Rebecca: And she can tell what angle it slopes at on a roll of 1 or 6. > When > she asked Jim about this, he said, "It does not need to be underground. The > walls of the mountain are a safeguard against attack themselves. Dan: Of course, you can still go *over* the mountain... > Under the mountain is the main building, Tsuneo: In other words, it isn't behind the mountain at all, is it? > which is quite similar to yours in Japan. Rick: What, with the Magi, the EVA skeletons, Lillith and everything? > You should be able to get used to it quickly. The EVA bay in under the > waterfall. Rick: Waterfall? Where'd that come from? Rebecca: That's one effing huge waterfall. > On top in the desert-like area is the landing area. An aircraft > hanger is beneath." Rick: An underground airport. How useful. Dan: No, it's just a hangar. No actual airport or anything. Rebecca: Jim's in his own little world here. > The train slowed and then stopped at an empty station. Dan: You can tell it was a State Rail station as there was no one to collect the tickets. > Jim led the way up a set of escalators and then around the building itself. > 'Jim was right', Rebecca: Don't you know? Jim is always right! > thought Misato 'this does look like our own NERV center.' Rick: [Misato] I'm already lost. > By the end of the day, Misato had agreed that NERV will be moving. Tsuneo: Consulting Gendo might be a good idea, though. > They > also selected a local high school for the children and decided upon the > school that Jim was attending right now. Tsuneo: Teaching them English might be a good start. Dan: Actually, Jim was a teacher, but never mind. Rick [Jim]: I remember Second Impact very well... [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion] > Although the fee was expensive > (or so Misato thought) Jim said that he would pay for all the costs. (it > wasn't as if he couldn't afford it) Rebecca: Sooner or later even he's gonna run out of money, and I want to be there when it happens. Dan: Shouldn't NERV be covering all the expenses anyway? > On the plane ... Dan: Everything was cool. Except Shinji was stuck between two fat Albanian women with excruciating body odour, the kid behind him kept throwing up, they ran out of Dr Pepper and salted peanuts and the inflight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore. Oh yeah, and three of the plane's engines caught fire and the plane went into a tail-spin crashed to the ground and everybody died. > "So who is this new kid?" asked Asuka Tsuneo: [Asuka] If it's Tom Dyron again, I quit. > "He's ... well ... Rebecca: [Misato] Incredibly annoying. > you'll meet him when you get there anyway, so quit > worrying." Replied Misato from behind a newspaper. Beside her sat Pen-Pen, > also behind a newspaper. Dan: Shouldn't he be travelling in the pets section? Rick: Yeah, but the service is lousy back there. Dan: Huh? > The intercom kicked in, "We are now arriving at the airport. Please secure > all baggage ...." All: [Singing] Put your tray tables up and your seats in the full upright position... Voice: Face it. You guys have no talent whatsoever. > The plane landed with a timid bounce and they stepped out, most of the > personnel of NERV and some of the computer equipment. Rick: What, they're hauling along the Magi? Rebecca: Nah, Ritsuko just wanted to take SHODAN out for a walk. Tsuneo: ... > Three large air- > conditioned coaches took the lower-class personnel to a local hotel Rebecca: The world-famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn! Voice: Ok, ok, enough with the Weird Al references. > where the rooms were already booked and the other managers Rick: Including the pointy-Haired boss. > and the children back to Jim's mansion. Dan: [Jim] The low-lifes don't deserve luxury. > Arriving there, most of them thought that this would be > the new headquarters, but Misato corrected them, leading them into the > main hall, where Jim stood by the fireplace, the flames giving him an > unholy glow. Tsuneo: Actually, that's because he's about to grow wings and turn purple. Rebecca: He'd just thrown a couple of run-on sentences on the fire. > "Welcome to my dwelling. I trust that you have not dined yet, Rick: [Shinji] We have, but airline food doesn't really count. > so would you like to join me in the dining room?" With that he set a > leisurely pace into the dining room, Dan: Without even letting them answer. Man, this guy's rude. > where they ate their fill from a huge > dinner which could be better described as a feast. Rebecca: Or, in Slayers, a light snack. > At the end of the meal, > Jim gave them all the basic package that Misato got, Rick: Wrapped up with brown paper and string. > and settled them into > different rooms. Misato suggested that the children get to know each > other. Rebecca: [Asuka] I already know them! Dan: [Misato] I meant get to know Jim. Rick: [Shinji] That's easy. He's a dominating god-boy who's absolutely perfect and pushes everyone around. Tsuneo: [Jim] Funny, I didn't think we'd met before. > They sat themselves in a circular room Rick: That is thirty feet in diameter. There are doors to the north, south, east and west. There is a hundred foot long dragon sitting on a pile of gold in the middle of the room. Everyone roll for initiative. > in overstuffed chairs around > a fireplace, where large windows gave them a view of the forest and the > mountain. > Asuka decided to start the conversation. Rebecca: [Asuka] Have I mentioned yet how stupid Shinji is? > "Um ... so you're the fifth child?" > "Yes" was the blunt answer. Tsuneo: [Asuka] I was wondering about your white hair and AT field. > "I'm Shinji, the third child. That's Rei, she's very quiet, Rick: [Shinji] I don't know why I'm bothering to introduce her, since she won't do anything. > and this is Asuka, the second child." Rebecca: Future queen of the universe, heir to the throne of Essex, most powerful teen in the galaxy, adopted daughter of- [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion.] > "Did you enjoy the dinner?" Jim asked. Rebecca [Shinji]: It was very nice. I almost didn't taste the cyanide. > "Yes. Do you eat like this all the time?" asked Asuka. Jim nodded. Dan: So how come you can still fit in the door? > There was a long uncomfortable length of silence Rick: So.. Dan: So... Rick: So, how about them Cubs? > where Jim stood staring into the fire, Rei sat quietly reading a book Tsuneo: While Ritsuko watched all this on SHODAN, fascinated. Rebecca: This is what life will be like when Jon and Rei move in together. Scary, huh? > while Shinji stared out the > window and Asuka was stirring in her chair. Rebecca: [Asuka, quiet] How dare he not acknowledge my greatness? > Misato stepped in and Jim excused himself. Rebecca: He has to go to the little boy's room. > "Is he always like this?? I think he's even worse than Commander Ikari." > Said Asuka. Dan: Of all the people he could try to outdo, he picked the wrong one. > Misato glanced at the retreating figure and sighed. "I heard from some of > the servants here that his parents died in a plane crash and he's been ... > affected ... by the disaster. Tsuneo: And here comes the stock tragic background. This guy's pretty cut-and- paste, really. Rick: Oh yeah, and he knew Tom's Uncle. Rebecca: I'm sure I can hear the D10's clattering across the lifepath table now. Dan: Don't remind me. You got off lucky. Tsuneo: Yeah, what about my family? [There is a loud crashing noise and the room is filled with plaster dust. Everyone coughs and chokes while waiting for it to disperse.] Rick: I suppose this would not be an opportune time to mention how well I did? Rebecca: No. The fourth wall's suffered enough already. > I think that he uses his control over the EVA as a way of venting his anger. Dan: The EVA ain't gonna like that. Rebecca: [Misato] For some reason, it keeps trying to rip his head off. Don't know why. > Anyways, the units and the main computer systems will arrive late tonight. Rick: Told you they were yanking out the Magi. Tsuneo: Is it time to point out just how stupid this hole relocation is? How horrendously unlikely it is that Canada, who don't even have a seat on the Seele council would have a spare base lying around? Or how stupid it would be to just suddenly up and haul everything across the pacific rather than establishing a second base somewhere else in Japan? Dan: Oh yeah, how about trying to move Lilith without anyone noticing? Tsuneo: That too. > Tomorrow, I will take you to the new > headquarters so we'll meet at nine in the dining room. Rebecca: Well, I can see one advantage of the move. Tsuneo: What's that? Rebecca: No more of Misato's cooking. > Now get some rest." > With that Misato yawned and walked off to her room. Rebecca: Never to be seen again. > Jim closed his door quietly behind him. He'd not had that many guests in > his house since ... Rick: Awkward pause. > before his parents died, when they still hosted parties > and dances. He sighed. He could hear several of them wandering around the > house, Dan: Several of his parents? I thought... Rick: He means the guests. Dan: Oh. > trying to get used to it. Walking out onto the balconey, Rick: And shoving all the baloney out of the way. > he listened to some of the night insects making their harmony Rebecca: Man, Waspinator's finally gotten lucky. > and felt a cool > breeze brush past him. He stepped back inside. Tomorrow was going to be a > long day ... Tsuneo: With even more excruciatingly long paragraphs. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > When he arrived in the dining room the next morning, he found them all > sitting around the table, Dan: Planing the quest for the Holy Grail. > munching on their breakfast. Rebecca: Cold pizza and beer. How nice. Rick: Hey! I eat that all the time at work! > He dressed similar to Commander Ikari, Rebecca: And trust me, Ritsuko noticed! Rick: [Ritsuko] Pink with little blue bears. > and Shinji was amazed at how solomn this new boy could look. Dan: Kid, either grow a goatee or give up this whole Gendo thing. > He did not eat, only sat there with a cup of coffee, Rick: [Ken Shamrock] Caffeine! I need caffeine! > and stood when the rest of them finished. Rick: Some diet, stuff yourself at dinner and skip breakfast. > He led them through the same route to the command center Rebecca: Ending with the elevator in the phone box. > and when they entered it, they were amazed at the layout of > the place and how similar it was to their own base. Dan: [Shinji] They've even got the stains from the can of Mr. Pibb that Hyuga spilled last week. > Entering the cavernous holding bay, Dan: Way down in Deep 13... > they saw EVA-00, EVA-01, EVA-02 and a unit that they couldn't > recognise one beside another. Tsuneo: And here comes the *real* hurt. > The new unit had a pair of bat-like wings > that surrounded itself. Its eyes were a dimly glowing red and it had an > odd kite-shaped marking on its forehead. Dan: Not that we know what its head looks like, anyway... > Painted a non-reflecting black, > it looked like a vampire. Rick: Except for the fact that it was sixty meters tall and robotic. Rebecca: So it didn't really look like a vampire after all, did it? Tsuneo: Where's Jon? I want to know if Jon's here. > Just as they were about to check out the new > unit, a blaring siren rang out in the building. All: We've got movie sign! > "Unknown object registered > by satillite. On screen now." A blob-like object appeared on the new 180 > degree screen. It was decending rapidly. Dan: Read: Plummeting. Tsuneo: You know, re-entry protection would have been nice. Rick: Oh no! It's an Invador! All: AAH! > "Get EVA-01 and EVA-00 prepared for action now!" Dan: So what about unit 02? Rebecca: Oh, they're using the classic Tom Dyron strategy of purposefully limiting their capabilities. > "What?? We have to stop it by hand again??" asked Shinji Rick: Guess god-boy didn't think of everything after all. > "No, this one seems to be decending at a really slow rate. Tsuneo: Although it was just described as descending rapidly... Rebecca: It's descending at a rapid really slow rate. > Attack it as soon as it is in range. Dan: Masterful strategy. > Asuka, you will act as backup ... GO GO GO!!" Misato was pretty hyper now. Dan: She just realised that the beer she had this morning was actually Jolt. > "No. Wait for the angel to descend. Then attack." Rebecca: Any particular reason? > "Commander Ikari! You've arrived. Rick: At last, someone who knows what they're doing! > Shinji, Rei! You heard the new instructions. Tsuneo: Lather, rinse, repeat. > Wait for it to descend." Rick: And ambush it by the baggage carousel. > "Roger." Came Shinji's voice, then echoed by Rei. Rick: [Asuka] Hmmph! I, the great Asuka, shall do whatever I like! Dan: [Shinji] But Asuka, you're on backup. Rick: [Asuka] I knew that! > The huge four - layered double doors opened, revealing a passageway > towards another set of doors. Rebecca: And behind them... More doors! Tsuneo: What ever happened to rapid deployment? > Along the passage were weapons lined up > ready for use. Shinji grabbed an automatic rifles Rick: Was that one or two? I think it's important. > while Rei went for a light bazzoka. Tsuneo: Is that some kind of Arabian snack? Rick: No, it's a pasta dish. I'll have the bazzoka naploitana, thanks. Dan: Funny, I thought she already had a pair of bazzokas. > They continued on to a large desert area. Rebecca: In Canada? Rick: Well, it's the great Canadian desert. Obviously. > The blob landed gently, All: Banzai! > to everyone's surprise, and began slithering over to Rei. Rick: [Angel] Mmm... Shiny thing. > She tried to fire an exploding shell towards the blob, but after it lodged > inside the blob, it didn't go off. > "What's going on?? Why isn't it exploding?" Ritsuko's voice rang through > the command center. Tsuneo: Yeah, that's what I'd like to know. Dan: And when did she get here? Rick: Obviously, she's one of the lower ranking personnel. > "The mechanism inside the shell is jammed or something ... it's just not > responding." Said Maya Dan: So you've got to auto-detonate the bazooka shell? > "Leave the bazooka! Go for close combat, Rei." Said Misato. Rebecca: [Rei] Okay, what part of it do you want me to hack off? Dan: [Misato] Um... Rick: Nah, just keep firing and see what happens. Worked for me. > Her progressive knife came out and she charged at it. The tip of the > knife stabbed through the first layer of the blob, then went on. Tsuneo: This is what we call a foul-up. > "The blob is drawing EVA-00 into itself! Withdraw Rei! Withdraw!" Rebecca: [Rei] Never on the first date. > cried Misato. Dan: Um... It's a bit late for that. > "I ... can't. EVA-00 is not responding." Came Rei's voice through the > intercom. Tsuneo: [Rei] Why do I get all the sucky parts? > "Wrist is immoblized ... elbow ... shoulder ..." Maya counted out. Rick: Rei's disqualified! Shinji wins the belt! > The front of EVA-00 slid into the blob with a sickening sound. Rebecca: So EVA-00 sliding into a blob sounds like the Spice Girls? Dan: Shinji? Are you gonna just stand there or go and help her? > "I can see it's core ... I will try to destroy it from inside ... unit 00 is > still not responding ... ..." Rebecca: [Rei] That kinda puts a crimp on my plan. > The rest of unit 00 slid into the blob, and Maya said, "Power cable has > been severed. Communication is gone. We can't reach the pilot." Rick: [Misato] Shut up, Maya! All you ever do is tell us bad news. > "Shinji! Advoid close combat with it!! All: NAH! > Move back!!" Dan: Run away! > Shinji did so, firing his rifle at the same time. Tsuneo: Never mind that you might hit Rei or something... > The blob was totally unaffected by the rifle shots. Rebecca: This thing's no-selling like Goildberg in "Universal Soldier." > It plodded its way forward, leaving a slimy trail. Dan: Eew! You clean that up this instant, young man! > "Control! I think I see something ... Tsuneo: The plot? Rick: Nah. > EVA-00's arm is beginning to ... Dan: Make an obscene gesture. > dissolve ..." Rick: [Misato] Well that pretty much makes my day perfect. > "Ritsuko! We have to find some way to get Rei out." Said Misato Rebecca: [Gendo] Never mind Rei, what about the EVA? Those things are expensive. > "The angel is producing some kind of acid ... Dan: [Misato] What kind of acid? Rick: [Maya] An acidic acid. Duh. Dan: [Misato] Some help you are. > more like digesting unit 00." > "Shinji!! Use a lance ... Rebecca: Use robot punch! > see if you can get EVA-00 out from the blob." Tsuneo: Okay, everyone. Do tell how you're meant to extract unit 00 from a blob with a lance. Dan: Stuff that, feed it a few tons of antacid tablets. > Shinji reached a small pop-up Rick: Geocities ad. I hate those things. > weapon cabinet and seized a lance. He jabbed > the blunt end into the angel, Dan: Yeah, that's going to achieve a lot. > poking out unit 00's arm on the other side. He leapt over the blob, Rick: EVA LEAP! *Not* turning into EVA TRIP! > careful to keep his power cord from its reach. > Taking unit 00's arm, he began tugging it out. Rebecca: So why didn't you do that in the first place? > After some effort, he > managed to pull it out. As soon as it's back was exposed, the back panel > covering the entry plug exploded open and the plug, propelled by its own > jets, flew off to land in the jungle. Rick: Jungle? In Canada? Rebecca: In the middle of a desert? Rick: Okay, it's a pine forest. Happy? > Shinji relaxed a little, and EVA-00 was sucked back into the blob. Tsuneo: Shouldn't you haul it out? Those things are kind of valuable. > This time, the blob began forming itself > around unit 00. Then, it somehow absorbed itstelf into the unit. Rick: And the author's just making it up as he goes along. > "Target has ... disappeared. Shinji, stay back until we have more > information. We are sending a retrieval unit to get Rei." Misato cautioned. Dan: No, just leave her there. Of course you should recover her! Rebecca: Better bring a few Gainax artists in case she's torn her plugsuit. > EVA-00 shuddered and began advancing towards Shinji. Not knowing what to > do, Dan: Back off? Run away? > Shinji brought up EVA-01's arms to fend off the advancing EVA. Rick: [Shinji] Not in the face! Not in the face! > As they made contact, a bit of slime began oozing from EVA-00's fingers. Rebecca: Well someone needs to scrub under their nails more often. > Shinji > drew back, but the ooze was making its way up EVA-01's arm. > "Abandon the left arm. Disconnect it now." Came Gendou's voice. Rick: [Gendo] Repeat parts of episode 18. > Maya began to protest but a look at Gendou's gaze and she put in the > command. Shinji yelled in pain, then went unconcious as unit 01's arm broke > off. Tsuneo: Those models can be so hard to fix. > Asuka arrived on the scene just to see EVA-01 crash into the ground. Rebecca: [Asuka] Oh, ho! I see the invincible third child has been defeated leaving I, the great Asuka, to save the day! > "Stay back Asuka!" said Misato, muttering to herself, "God, what are we > going to do?" Dan: And they deployed her so she can stand back. Uh-huh. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "I will go." Came Jim's voice from the control room. Tsuneo: [Bitter] Here comes Jim to save the day. Whoopee. > He began removing his jacket and made his way to the holding bay. > "Prepare a spare plug suit and brain transmitters for him ..." said one of > the operators. Rick: What's the bets he doesn't need them? > "I don't need a plug suit." Rick: There you go. Rebecca: Jim, are you gonna work naked again? > Jim removed his loose trousers Dan: Jim, this is neither the place or time. Rebecca: [Misato] Toothpicks! > and stepped forward to the new unit, clad in a black bodysuit, Rick: So he's piloting the EVA in his thermal underwear? > tied his long hair back into a ponytail Dan: Shouldn't he be shoving his musical tastes down our throats right about now? > and began pulling on white gloves and boots. Rebecca: Where'd those come from? Tsuneo: Just, you know. Around. > He pressed a > button on the silvery headband he wore and a red-tinted visor lowered to > cover his eyes. Dan: Now he's wearing the "Lady Blue" collection. Rebecca: Good and obscure. > "Night Stalker. Activate." The eyes on the Stalker began > glowing a blood red and its head lifted a little. "Phase two." Rick: Oh, that's when they all combine into Devastator. > A beam of > red light came from the marking on the Stalker's head and bathed Jim in a > similar kite-shaped spotlight. He was lifted up through this light as though > it was an escalator and nearing the head of the Stalker, Tsuneo: Now we're getting just plain stupid. Rick: I haven't seen anything this dopey since the last Marvel/Image crossover. Tsuneo: I mean, where does he think this thing came from? Nerv certainly didn't build it, or all the EVAs would be like that now. And a teleport beam? It's a bloody joke! Rebecca: Don't you know? He made it himself with some cardboard, string, a pair of coconuts and some crazy glue. > was turned around > so that his back faced the Stalker. He was absorbed into the unit. All: Whoops! Dan: Next thing you know, he's in this train carriage. > His voice > rang through the intercom. "Major Katsuragi. Activate lift number six." Tsuneo: Oh, so he gets lifts and everyone else gets the manual launch system? Peachy. > Misato did so, and the Stalker popped up like toast Rebecca: And was promptly covered in strawberry jam. > on the surface > battleground. Propelled by the force of the lift, he was thrown high into > the air, Dan: Someone forgot the restraints, didn't they? > and at the highest point, the wings opened up to reveal a unit > similar to EVA-01, only with out a horn and had a more sinister appearance. Rick: Do you ever get the feeling this fic was written deliberately to mock us? Tsuneo: Sometimes. Dan: Then the power cord reached its full extension, and he snapped back to the ground in an embarrassed heap. > Its wings stretched, it landed softly beside EVA-02, folding its wings > behind it. Rebecca: Bloody showoff. Rick: Who does he think he is, Batman? > Lifting its arms, two mini-cannons popped out from its forearms Tsuneo: This is just getting silly. Rebecca: I guess DJ got his modifications after all. > and a burst of fire shot out. As the front few tongues of flame Tsuneo: Oh, so they're *flamethrower* miniguns? > reached EVA-00, part of the blob could be seen gathering at the back, Dan: Of course, how he knew this would work is anyone's guess. > where it was not affected by > the flame. Jim said, "EVA-02. Return to the weapons corridor and get the > flamethrower." Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare to boss around the great Asuka? WA-TAK! > He took a step closer to EVA-00, keeping a steady burst of > flame on it, Rebecca: Until it was roasted to a golden brown. > knowing that the unit itself shouldn't be affected by this mild fire. Rick: Pretty butt-useless weapons you've got there. Tsuneo: What's the bets they contrive themselves to match the emergency? > Unit two returned with the flamethrower, and together they roasted the > blob to a crisp, Dan: Dinner's ready! > with the Stalker attacking it from the front, forcing it to > gather in the back and unit two toasting the ooze that gathered in the back. Tsuneo: So why doesn't it slip out the side? Rick: This is one dumb angel. > Finally, a small portion of the goo with the core Rebecca: Angel Inside. > leapt free of EVA-00, > letting it crash into the ground, and molded itself over EVA-02's chest Rick: [Asuka] AACK! You dare grope the great Asuka's EVA? WA-TAK! Dan: That's one perverted angel. > and part of its neck. Then it exploded, Tsuneo: Then, angel explode. > taking out part of the chest and almost decapitating it. Tsuneo: Oh, come on. Unit 01 could take that without a scratch, and it was already damaged. > The Stalker went over to the fallen EVA-02, tore open it's back and pulled > out the entry plug. Rebecca: They've got recovery crews to do that, twit. Dan: Face it, this guy just loves breaking things for the sake of it. > Still holding the entry plug, the Stalker flew back to > the base and into the hanger. When he came out, Rebecca: He hung out with Issei and Kaoru and listened to the Village People. > he was informed that Rei and > Shinji had to be put into the intensive care unit due to their injuries, Tsuneo: [Shinji] I hate this place. > both mentally and physically. Asuka was alright except for a mild lack of > oxygen when her entry plug had been removed and the LCL was no longer > circulating. Tsuneo: Never mind life support. Dan: Of course, the injuries she suffered when her plug was ripped from the EVA and taken for an unexpected flight didn't help any. > Back in his mansion, Rick: Stately Wayne Manor. > Jim sat in his favorite place, Dan: The can. Tsuneo: [Jim] Let's see, I've just showed up everyone, took out an EVA without authority, put three pilots in intensive care and almost wrecked Unit 02. I think I'll go mope some more. > his study, where the > walls were lined by two levels of books, and a spiral staircase led up from > the ground to the second level. Rebecca: If he doesn't stop blatantly flaunting his wealth, I'm gonna have to hurt him. > Most of the knowledge he gained about NERV > and angels was recorded in the upper level, where he seldom visited. Tsuneo: [Bitter] Because he knows everything about the Angels, of course. > A great > maghoney desk faced the door at the end of the room, its back to a large > window Rebecca: Which opened onto the girls' locker room. > and balconey that looked out onto Rick: *Another* huge pile of baloney. > part of the front of the house, > including the long front driveway and a field of grass alongside it. Off to > the side was a small helicopter landing area, and past that a private runway. All: ... > 'All this wealth. All: We noticed. > Given to me after my parent's death. Was it worth it?' he thought to himself. Tsuneo: What'd I tell you? He's busy moping. Dan: Depends, how much did you pay Jeff? > He had had this conversation with himself for more times than he could count, Rebecca: What, three? > and yet, he still went over this argument. He head a soft knock at the door. > He gave the command 'enter' without turning from the window. Rick: And now he's pretending to be Picard. > Misato opened the door and came in, asking, "Are you busy?" > "No. Is there a problem?" Tsuneo: [Misato] You exist, don't you? > "Well, I just wanted to congradulate you on a job well done against the angel > today." Rebecca: [Misato] I also wanted to give you the bill for damages done to unit 02. > "Thank you."" > "I ... was just wondering ... how you became the fifth child ... Dan: [Jim] My mum died and I've got lots of personality problems. Tsuneo: [Jim] Well you see, there was this little thing called Second Impact... > I mean, the > other children were born around the second impact, but I heard that you are > older than the others." All: Huh? Tsuneo: Oh, this'll be good. Rick: Don't you have files for these things? > Jim stared at her for a few moments. Dan: [Jim] Nice tits. > No one had cared about his past before. Rebecca: No-one had asked, but never mind. > They had merely turned him aside because of the accident that changed his > life. Rick: He was bitten by a radioactive spider, bombarded by cosmic rays, hit by an experimental gamma radiation bomb, experimented on by the evil Canadian government, turned into a supersoldier, developed a special suit of armour while a POW in the Korean war and had the control helmet passed to him by the dying alien leader. Dan: Personally, I blame the Big Aztec Guy. > Standing, he began to tell his story in a pretty emotionless voice. Rick: Alright everybody. Grab your popcorn, adjust your cushions and get ready to snore. > "I was born two years before the second impact. Dan: [Jim] During the reign of the Spider Kingdom. > My parents, who owned companies around the world, Rick: [Jim] Mr. and Mrs. Throwaway. Maybe you know my cousin? How about his uncle? > but during one of their trips around the world to check on their companies, Tsuneo: Haven't you guys ever heard of the fax machine? > their private plane crashed near a chemical plant. Rebecca: An industrial thingamajig. Rick: Does this look like a superhero origin story or what? > I had been on that plane, but survived because the tail section where > I was had broken off before the front area exploded. Dan: Of course, given the fact that you're falling to the earth at incredible speed, you're equally as screwed. > A good friend of mine, my manservant, Fred, took care of me, Tsuneo: So he hired Jeff, did he? > taking on the responsibility of my > guardian. Two years ago, I'd graduated from university. All: Uberkid! Rick: [Jim] With the best Kobiyashi Maru time ever. Dan: So why's he going to high school? Rebecca: Because. > Last year, I had begun taking care of my family's companies once more. Rick: And what happened to Fred? Dan: [Jim] Oh, I *retired* him. > I acted like a normal person, so no one really knew the truth about me. Tsuneo: I'm sorry, but graduating from university at the age of fourteen is not normal. > When the explosion which > killed my parents occurred, it had also taken down part of the chemical > plant. I was ... affected ... by the chemicals released. Dan: [Jim] I was crossed with William Shatner. Rebecca: [Jim] I got stoned, man. Rick: He didn't crash into the Techno-Cosmic Research Institute by any chance? > It was not until more > than a year after the accident that I realized I felt different. Rebecca: Insert your favourite "out of the closet" joke here. > Somehow I > had gained more strength, the ability to levitate at will and learn faster > than anyone else. Rick: [Jim] I also got a healing factor, can drain peoples' powers by touch and can go through hell without getting my hair or makeup messed up. Rebecca: [Jim] I have two small guns, missiles, bombs, blades and lasers built into my shields, along with swords, cryo-blasters, flame throwers, laser crossbow and flight capability. I also am from the future and know everything. > "At first, in school, I had been laughed at when I had not learned to fully > control my special powers and became clumsy at doing things. Dan: [Jim] Of course, I could righteously whip everyone's ass. Rebecca: Say, was there a black kid called Anthony Craig picking on him? > I stayed away from people. Tsuneo: [Jim] Which is okay, because they stayed away from me. > At that time, some of the scientists from a branch of SEELE had > noticed me, and took me off to be studied. Dan: [Ike] Anal probe. > They made this headband to help me control my powers. Rick: Thus making him a proper headband person. > Also while I was being tested, I had shown a higher > ability to control a development stage EVA. Tsuneo: Um, sorry no. No-one, and I mean no-one but the special children can operate an EVA. It's like Asuka in episode 23 - she just can't do it. Normal people can try and sync with it, but they don't get very far. Except for Yui, of course. And we all remember what happened then. > I had not known what it was at that time, and did not care. Rebecca: Remember, never ask what an EVA is. > This other unit was kept a secret from NERV, > mainly because there was some sort of private competition going on. Dan: Competition with who? They run the world! Rick: Oh yeah. They were having a copmetition to see how many unethical experiments they could get funded for the year. > When it was done, I was told to pilot it. Dan: This is probably not one of those things you get a choice in. > After several secret tests, Rick: The Higher School Certificate? > my headband > was modified to include interactive headsets which help me control the unit > as well as my own power. Tsuneo: Meaning that with something like this, anyone could be an EVA pilot. Swell. Rebecca: It also gets over fifty channels. > "It was only when SEELE contacted me again Rick: Don't you hate it when SEELE spams your inbox? > and told me about wanting a new headquarters made was I interested. Tsuneo: Of course. He doesn't take notice until he gets something in return. > They had agreed that I would be the > commander of this new section, to have power over Commander Ikari as well, Tsuneo: OK. This is officially f**ked up beyond all recognition. > but I didn't really care about power. Rick: [Jim] As an Uberkid I can already warp anyone to my will. > I wanted the thrill of piloting the EVA. Rebecca: With none of the added psychoses. > All the test runs gave me a way to release my anger at the world for > taking away my parents." Rick: Yes, the author avatar is venting. Deal. > Misato was silent, taking it all in Dan: And trying not to burst out laughing. Rebecca: Actually, she had nodded off. > and finally snapping to attention Rebecca [Misato]: Six! Nine! Asprin! Mice! Fiberglass! What was the question? > when he said, "You must think I'm a freak." All: You are. > "No, no you're not. Rick: You're a perfectly normal hideous mutation. > You have more humanity in you than some people I know," replied Misato. Dan: Oh yeah? Name three. > Jim's soft, "Thank you" was heard just before a connecting door to his > bedroom closed, announcing his departure from the library. Dan: [Jim] I go. Rebecca: Yes, but did he pick up his bucket of dry ice on the way out? > Rising, Misato left for her own room. > In the NERV headquarters ... Rick: In a split-level cave twenty miles below the surface of the earth. > "There's something happening! Unit 01 is unstable. Tsuneo: *Tell* us about it. > Temperature is rising ..." Maya reported. Dan: It's got the flu. Deal. > "Quick, call Commander Ikari. Aren't the coolers working??" Ritsuko rushed > to the command console. Rebecca: No. They want real booze instead. > "What do you suggest we do, Beckett?" Gendou asked. Tsuneo: [Jim] Give me a second to contrive something, sir. Rick: [Jim] Try inverting the subspace harmonics of the main deflector array. Works every time. > "Are you inquiring for my opinion on this matter?" Tsuneo: [Gendo] No, I'm just asking you for the hell of it. Of course I want your opinion! Rick: Wasn't he just in his mansion? > "From the report, you are responsible as both a pilot and a high ranking > officer." Dan: How wrong can you be? > "Will you be respecting my opinion?" Rebecca: [Jim] Will you respect me in the morning? > If it is reasonable, yes." Rick: Oh well, so much for that. > "It is the temperature. Your EVA units cannot handle the temperature > change from morning to night." Tsuneo: I'm not going to say anything apart from the fact that that's a load of crap. > "And what is your solution?" Dan: Turn up the heater. Duh. > "Instant transport back to Tokyo-3." Dan: [Gendo] But we just moved here! Rick: [Jim] Silence! > We have no choice then." Gendou turned to Misato. Rick: Wasn't she just in his house too? > "Send an order to > prepare all equipment and EVA units to be transported to Tokyo-3 > immediately. Tsuneo: [Gendo] Cancel all those change of address cards. And tell the milkman. > Call all personnel to be ready tomorrow." Rebecca: [Misato] But I just finished unpacking! > In the next three hours, EVA-00, EVA-01 and EVA-02 were sent back on their > way to Japan Rick: I hope they used enough postage. > in their chambers, both to keep them in suspension fluid and > to transport the chambers as well. Tsuneo: He hasn't a clue, does he? Dan: Nosireebob. > Misato turned to Jim. "We don't have a carrier for the Stalker." Rebecca: So I guess we'l have to leave him behind! All: Woo-hoo! > Jim shrugged and said, "He'll get there on his own." Dan: Dude, you're talking about your EVA as a person. I'm worried about you. Tsuneo: And referring to it as being male. > On the plane, they were well into the fifth hour of bordom ... Rick: Have they been reading this fic too? > "Where's Jim?" asked Asuka Dan: [Misato] I guess Jeff was worth it after all. > "Donno ... he said he'll get there on his own." Replied Misato from behind > a newspaper. Tsuneo: He's gonna walk? > Shinji was snoring away, Rei looking like a manniquin and just sitting there. Dan: [Rei] I am *so* bored. > Suddenly, Maya went into the first-class compartment > where they were to report, Rick: [Maya] Hey, why do I get stuck in economy with the penguin? Rebecca: Because Ritsuko took out a restraining order. Deal. > "Misato, the Stalker is just leaving the Canada > NERV base." 'Leaving now? Isn't it a little too late?' thought Asuka. Tsuneo: Oh, no. It'll fly faster than the plane, of course. You watch. Just wait and see. > She sat there for a few hours thinking about the Stalker. Rick: Smoke purring out of her ears. > Maya showed up again, saying, "The Stalker will be passing us soon." Dan: [Maya] Please form an orderly queue behind the gunsight. > Asuka spun around, looking > out the window to see the Stalker flapping its wings at a leisurely pace, > easily catching up with them. Tsuneo: Then its reserve power suddenly cut out and it plummeted into the ocean, never to be seen again. The end. > She noticed that it seemed to be carrying a cargo of some kind on its back. Rick: A complete collection of Star Trek novels? Dan: All the Magic and Battletech cards WoTC has banned? Rebecca: His blow-up doll collection? Tsuneo: Jim's ego? > It slowed a moment beside the plane, > cruising on its wings, glanced at the passengers in the plane, Rick: And raised its middle finger. Tsuneo: [Jim] Eew. Lower life forms. > and with > one great swish of its wings, disappeared into the clouds ahead. 'No > wonder it started out late ...' thought Asuka. Dan: Jim wanted to destroy all the evidence. > When the plane landed, Asuka leapt out as soon as the the ladder was > safely parked beside the plane and cheerfully said, "Yes! Home sweet > home." Tsuneo: They landed in Germany? They'd better have landed in Germany for her to say that. > A a dozen feet away, Jim stood by to welcome them. Rebecca: Typical. Wherever you go, the first thing you find is an obnoxious tourist. > Misato was about to walk up and talk to him when her phone rang. Tsuneo: Her agent had finally found her a way out of this crappy fanfic. Rebecca: [Misato] No, Kaji. Not now. You can play with the melons later. > She received the brief > message and hung up. Turing to the pilots, she said, "Let's go. There's a > suspected angel attack. Jim, you come as well." Dan: Well, isn't he a pilot? Duh. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The TV switches off.] Tsuneo: And that's the end? Voice: Of this part. There's another one to go. Dan: Damn! Rick: Tell me about it. Voice: Although it might be worthwhile giving reviews now. Rebecca: How come? Voice: You'll understand later. Tsuneo: It was just overdone, that was the worst of it. I mean, you get new EVA pilots by the truckload, but Jim seemed to be trying to outdo all of them. You know, he graduated from university when he was fourteen, he runs several companies, he's got a mansion with a private airstrip... You get the picture. It would be offensive if it wasn't so stupid. Dan: Um, I was annoyed by his powers and such. I mean, they had no bearing on the fic apart from letting him pilot the EVA, but so what? He could do that if he was the right age anyway. There's no point in having them, but he wasted ages on them and his dumb tragic story anyway. Rick: This was trippy. I mean, really, really trippy. NERV up and moves to Canada. Stuff happens. A house is described. Jim takes his pants off. An angel blows up and then they move back to Tokyo. I've had alcoholic stupors that were more coherent. Rebecca: It was so boring too! I mean, we wasted ages on Jim describing his mansion, especially all the rooms that were never seen again. Then we wasted ages on his tragic stock background story that was taken straight from the Strifepath tables in Champions for Fuzion. And what happens between these huge blocks of text? An Angel attack that amounted to little more than Jim showing off. Rebecca: This worries me. Can you imagine what the second part is going to be like? Dan: Very deeply disturbing. Rick: Probably. Tsuneo: Apparently different, given he had us go reviews. Rebecca: Very worrying. Rick: Guess they'll have to put out some more figures, then. Dan: Yeah, like Jim Beckett with Lurking action. Rebecca: Or Pretty Soldier Issei with Overcompensation action. [They file out, arguing.] Voice: Well, it brings in the funding... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "You must think I'm a freak."