Elmer Studios presents...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MSTing no. 58. Back to Canada (or not) for some more whackiness in the
Neon Leviticus Universe. And if you thought part one was weird, you ain't
seen *nothing* yet.

Evangelion is copyright Gainax.
Neon Leviticus Evangelion is copyright someone who didn't even put their own
name on it. And who can blame him?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.]

[Tsuneo is sitting at the computer desk, drumming his fingers on the table.
Dan, Rick and Rebecca enter.]

Dan: Oh, hi there. We were wondering what you were up to.
Tsuneo: Waiting.
Rebecca: What for?
Tsuneo: Well, we've got a huge backlog of fanmail, and it's taking ages to
download it all.
Voice: Well, I've been keeping him company.
Dan: Poor bastard. You must be about suicidal by now.

[They all cluster around the computer.]

Tsuneo: While we're waiting, first up is from Mike Surbrook on Neon
Leviticus...

> > "So who is this new kid?" asked Asuka
> > "He's ... well ...

> Rebecca: [Misato] Incredibly annoying.

> You are SO right, Rebecca.  I mean, the whole bit about his house, meal
> times and his "private area"

[Rebecca sniggers.]

> which is off limits (ie:"I do not forbid you
> to enter this area, but advise you strongly against doing so.") made me
> really, really despise him from the start.  I thought DJ Croft was bad
> (and then Tom and then...) but this, this was a whole new level of stupid.

Tsuneo: Just when you think they can't get any worse, along comes Jim Beckett.

> > The new unit had a pair of bat-like wings that surrounded itself. Its
> > eyes were a dimly glowing red and it had an  odd kite-shaped marking on
> > its forehead.  Painted a non-reflecting black it looked like a vampire.

> Okay, I  don't know a whole lot about NGE (yet, only on book three of the
> collections) but doesn't the idea of a 'vampiric' looking EVA seem utterly
> *wrong* all things considered?

Dan: Yeah, it does. And the show's better anyway.

> > After some effort, he
> > managed to pull it out. As soon as it's back was exposed, the back panel
> > covering the entry plug exploded open and the plug, propelled by its own
> > jets, flew off to land in the jungle.

> Okay, in the middle of Canada, on the otehr side of the mountain, we have
> a desert and a jungle...

Rebecca: I bet you never knew these things about Canada.

> What the HELL is this guy smoking?

Rick: And where can I get some?

> Tsuneo: Now we're getting just plain stupid.

> Getting?

Tsuneo: After reading so much Issei, my stupidity threshold has increased
somewhat.

> > part of the front of the house,
> > including the long front driveway and a field of grass alongside it. Off to
> > the side was a small helicopter landing area, and past that a private
> > runway. 

> All: ...

> Maybe he's secretly Bruce Wayne?
> Oh and I couldn't have said it better myself.

Rick: Say, maybe he's Tony Stark.
Dan: Maybe it's professor X's mansion.

> > They had agreed that I would be the
> > commander of this new section, to have power over Commander Ikari as well,

> Tsuneo: OK. This is officially f**ked up beyond all recognition.

> Tsuneo, I'm with you.

> Why, WHY, do peoplewrite tripe like this?

Rick: Because they think it makes them look good. Sad, huh?

> Geeze, maybe I should write Kazei Genesis Evangelion and try to top all of
> those guys with the idea that Shion is the 5th Child.

> What do you think?

Rebecca: I think the audience would pass out when they see her in a plugsuit.
Tsuneo: Thank you Mike!
Dan: He's surprisingly verbal on EVA mstings for a fresh victim.
Tsuneo: Um, whatever. Next one's from Tikilamp on NLE.

> Rick R. and Jinas-

>      Hey guys, how's it going?  This is Tikilamp, self proclaimed fan of 
> Elmer Studios.  I've always meant to write to you guys and tell you how much 
> I love the writing that you do.

Voice: Actually, I've been meaning to say how much I've enjoyed your MSTings
too, but it kinda slipped my mind. Whoops.

> I've been reading your work for a long 
> time.  I just finished reading "Neon Leviticus Evangelion."  Supurb work as 
> always.  Before I starting doing my own mstings I read that piece and almost 
> decided to choose it as my first.  It was so bad though that I felt like I 
> couldn't do it justice.  I'm glad you guys picked up on it.

All: We're not.

> When I got to 
> the part about the EVA's names all I could do was shake my head in 
> disbelief.

Dan: The what?
Voice: Nothing!

> So I found "The Saga Continues" instead.  Speaking of that, I 
> noticed that you included Anthony in your selection of avatar action figures 
> at the beginning of "Neon Leviticus Evangelion."

> Rick: Let's see... We've also got an Anthony with Realistic Falling over 
> action.
> Tsuneo: Serious?
> Rick: Actually, no. It can't balance, so no matter how many times you try 
> and stand it up, it falls over again.
> Tsuneo: Just like the fic.

> I can't tell you how much that made my day.

Rebecca: Oh, I'm enjoying that one in particular. It's so lifelike.

> A while back you asked people 
> to put in their votes for favorite Elmer Studios character.  I cast mine for 
> Tsuneo.  These EVA fics must be really hard on him.

Tsuneo: Thank you!

> Keep up the great work 
> and try not to be too mad at me for blatently stealing your format.  Cheers!

Voice: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Or at least until they
sick their lawyers on you.

> Rudolph "Tikilamp" Wilson

> P.S. I've noticed that the Voice has been getting meaner in recent mstings.  
> I guess the cost of those tv's are really adding up.

Rick: Yeah, I've noticed that too.
Rebecca: Rick, you've hardly been here of late.
Rick: So?
Tsuneo: And thank you very much! Our next fan mail is from Ammadeau on
various things...

> I recently got into reading Mstings and I have to say
> that yours are the best around.

Rick: Cool! We're not the best, but we try harder!
Dan: That's rich coming from Mr. Absentee 1999.

> Never laughed so hard 
> in my life than reading after such classics (if you can
> call them that) as your mstings of 'Hellstorm' and 
> 'Delta Invasion.'  You're sort of like modern alchemists,
> turning crap into gold.

Rebecca: If someone could figure it out, they'd be rich.

> Also make it abundantly
> clear what not to do when writing an EVA fanfic
> (for instance, never write an SI).

Tsuneo: And remember kids, SI is bad.

> Is it just me or does it seem that most people who 
> write EVA SIs haven't seen the last half of the EVA
> episodes and even the epsiodes they obviously did see,
> missed the point completely of?  It's painfully obvious
> that they haven't seen the last two episodes or the movie,
> which means that they missed the whole point of EVA.

Dan: Yeah, I get that too. I mean, I dropped it at about episode twenty,
but I don't pretend to understand it.

> Quite a lively and likable team you have there, though
> my favorite has to be Rebecca (Go Rebecca!).

Rebecca: Woo-hoo!
Dan: Boo!

> She's got attitude without being arrogant.

Dan: [Makes coughing noises similar to bull****]
Rebecca: Careful Dan, or I'll have to hurt you.

> I'm also a fan of
> Tsuneo, though I have to wonder if there is any EVA
> fanfiction that he would like.

Tsuneo: I do enjoy some EVA fiction. Specifically the short intelligent
ones, or actually funny parodies like Chuck Williamson's "The Kensuke
Chronicles." "42" is another good one.

> Rick comes across as
> the most normal of the group, to me at least.  And
> Dan . . . well, he really needs a girlfriend.

Dan: Tell me about it...

> Your latest effort, Neon Smugist Evangelion (or whatever
> its called, has got to have the biggest rat bastard that 
> ever had the misfortune to grace fanfiction.  It's like 
> the author read up on DJ and Tom Dyron, and then said 
> "I can create and avatar more arrogant and annoying than
> that."  I mean, was he actually going for us hating this
> Jim guy the moment he shows up or what?

Rick: well that does seem to be the point of most of the fic.

> I almost want
> Tom to show up with the metal chair and kick his ass.

Dan: I'd cheer for Tom, myself.

> AND WHY THE HECK DOES HE FEEL THE NEED THE DESCRIBE EVER 
> FRICKIN DETAIL OF HIS GOD-DAMN HOUSE??!!
> I almost didn't make it through that part of the story,
> which in itself was a huge pile of baloney.

Rebecca: Never mind that, why didn't he describe anything else properly?

> Keep up the amazing work.  Can't wait to see what you
> guys (and lady) do the latest chapter of Delta Invasion
> and the next part of this lovely story.
> I've got a feeling that its going to be some deep hurting.

Tsuneo: Yeah, us too.

> Ammadeau

Rebecca: And thank you, my loyal fans.
Dan: [Mutters under his breath.]
Tsuneo: Oh, shut up. Our next one's from Keith Palmer on, wait for this, NLE.

> Just when I think all the truly original EVA self-insertions have revealed
> themselves, along comes "Neon Leviticus Evangelion."  (One day, fanfic
> writers will indeed run out of books of the Bible.  Until then, I'm
> awaiting such notable stories as "Neon Deuteronomy Evangelion," "Neon Joel
> Evangelion," and "Neon Obadiah Evangelion.")

Rick: I'm quite looking forward to "Neon 1 Corinthians Evangelion" myself.

> But as for the fanfic itself...  It was bad, really bad, in an
> entertainingly overdone way.  Being a Canadian myself,

Dan: I feel sorry for you.

> I was tempted to
> think that the author must be Canadian as well to relocate NERV.  After
> reading about "the desert" and "the jungle" right next to each other, I'm
> not so sure.

Rebecca: Actually, he *is* from Canada, the small town in western India.

> The only reason to move seemed to be to show off Jim
> Beckett's stately mansion and Batcave headquarters...  And then, before
> being in Canada meant anything, they headed back to Tokyo-3 for some absurd
> reason at the end!  AARGH!

Voice: But wait, there's more!
All: [Groan loudly]

> At least there was the sense with Worcester-3
> that the authors were dealing with the landmarks of their old college town
> to lend some colour to the locale.

Tsuneo: Regardless of how pointless it was.
Rebecca: The only colour it added was when Samantha threw up.

> Then, we get to Jim Beckett himself.

Rick: Let's not.

> He definitely falls into the
> "arrogant overachiever" category (DJ, Tom Dyron), with perhaps just a touch
> of the "superpowered Angel" (Jon, Issei, Lisa Foster, Sublime) to him.  Of
> course, he has a Batman-like EVA (it's a small mercy that he doesn't *call*
> it an EVA Unit).  And of course, he has a mansion with the new NERV
> headquarters beneath it, and a secret origins story...

Rick: To tell the truth, the whole fic read like a secret origin story.

> For the first time, I found myself wishing that you would blow up the TV at
> the end.  That's sometimes appeared a little too overdone to me...

Tsuneo: It's marvellous stress relief, trust me.

> but not
> this time.  Still, if the second part is somehow even worse, as you're
> hinting, it could still happen.

> After ranting about the fanfic itself, I think I'll make a few comments on
> your riffing itself.  I send you lots of messages, but I never seem to
> discuss that part of the MSTing.

> >> She'd better be worth waiting for. He leaned back against his car,
>
> >Tsuneo: Uberkid offence number one.
>
> >Tsuneo: Are you kidding? He knows everything about Nerv. He knows
> >everything about Seele and Gehern, too. He's even heard of the Thrashing
> >Gonberts.
>
> >> "This is my house."
>
> >Rick: [Jim] Actually this is the doghouse. My house is bigger.
> >Tsuneo: Disgusting display of wealth, that's number three.

> Was the "he knows too much" the offence number two?  It was just never
> blatantly declared.  (I'm bad that way.)

Tsuneo: Pretty much. I probably should have pointed that out.

> >> I have been instructed to be your guide to Toronto
>
> >Rick: Where's the SDF-1 when you really, really need it?

> The city in "Bursting Point" never looked like Toronto to me.  (Of course,
> it never looked like any city in Ontario to me, except for that it wasn't
> on a lakeside.  I guessed and called it London, Ontario once.)

Rick: I heard Toronto somewhere, but I could have been mistaken.

> >Tsuneo: [Jim] He also plays pool, blackjack and makes a mean jelly bean
> >and pickle sandwich. For what it's worth.
>
> >Rebecca: The world-famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn!
> >Voice: Ok, ok, enough with the Weird Al references.
>
> >Rick: In a split-level cave twenty miles below the surface of the earth.

> I'm willing to guess you've been listening to "Running With Scissors"
> lately.  I haven't heard it yet, but I have seen the videos. :)

Dan: It's worth it. Really, really worth it.

> That's pretty much all I have to say... although you can trim this rambling
> letter if you want to when you read it as fanmail.

Tsuneo: Let's not, We delay the fic more this way.

> P.S.  Lately, a new episode of NXE has finally appeared.  Tim McLees now
> has no excuse not to get working on the MSTing of NXE 1:4.  (Sorry about
> that!  I know you can't do much about it, either.)

Voice: I'm trying.
Rebecca: We know you are.
Voice: ...

> While I can assure you
> that you've still got rich lodes of self-insertion excess to mine in NXE 1,
> I've got to admit that my impressions of the story are becoming more
> positive now.  DJ has finally had some humility beaten (literally!) into
> him,

Rick: By Rei with a mallet, hopefully.

> and, inspired by the manga version, the Eyrie crew... but no, that
> could spoil the riffing process for you. :)

All: We don't mind.

> Keith Palmer			| Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than
> krjpalme@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca	| 	   they appear.

Dan: Thanks!
Rick: Any more?
Tsuneo: Oh, yeah. Next up is from Chokatu on Pretty Soldier Issei.

> Though I enjoyed the majority of my summer by staying 
> offline, I've already wasted a few hours on the Net. Just a 
> few minutes ago, I read your MSTing of the Issei/SM-R movie 
> mix. If you'll give this lamer a chance, I've got a few 
> thoughts to share...

Rebecca: Like "Argh, help, I've got Issei all over me?"

> First of all, I'll say that the fic was up to Issei's usual 
> standards.

Tsuneo: Sub.

> This individual will be around for a while, and 
> eventually we'll get used to his antics,

Dan: I'll never get used to Issei.

> but until then--it 
> makes my own writings look brilliant.

> Second: the MSTing missed a few plot points. I was 
> expecting--no, hoping--Issei to bop Fiore (a.k.a. Fioret) at 
> any moment. That way, they could live on his flower-shaped 
> meteor, and never bother anyone else again.

Dan: I disagree. Fiore is a neat villain, and I wouldn't wish Issei on
anyone.

> Still... the bad 
> guy has a certain advantage over our favorite SI--he was 
> actually loyal to Tux-boy. That said, the two deviants would 
> not be a good match.

> Third: I'd seen the R movie (prior to the Pioneer release), 
> and it made me want to hit my head against a wall. (The 
> SuperS movie had roughly the same effect... Uranus and 
> Neptune got in two good lines, but it was still distasteful 
> and sleazy.) So, if I ever finish my two fics based on it, 
> I'll try to place the blame on young Mataloun.

Rick: That works for almost anything. I blamed my recent drop in
productivity on Issei, and my boss gave me a sympathy bonus.

> That's all that's on my mind for now. Until next time...

> -Alan <ChrOtaku@xoommail.com>
> Antagonizing anime purists since 1998!

Rick: Thank you! Any more?
Tsuneo: They're still coming. Here's one from Chuck Williamson on a number
of things...

> I've been saving this up to critique a majority of your recent MSTing
> outings.  :oP  Just thought a little push of encouragement never hurt
> anyone.  

Rebecca: We disagree. Someone must encourage fanfic authors once in a
while.

> Neon Genesis Evangelion II:  D.E.L.T.A. Invasion - Gah!  Isn't that one a
> stinker?  I swear, if I hear Shinji say "Damn straight" again, I'll go
> postal on someone.  With hope, it'll be Tom Dyron.

Rick: [Shinji] Damn straight!
Dan: Don't tempt fate.

> In all honesty, this has quickly become one of your finest moments, right
> next to NXE and Hellstorm.  The MSTing is simply outrageously hilarious.  I
> was slapping my knees and hooting with laughter through most of it.

Rebecca: While we were screaming in pain and gawping in horror, but never
mind.

> Kudos
> also goes to Jamie Jeans, who's Samantha proves to be just as lovable as
> ever.

> One fine MSTing.  Can't wait for more.  Especially when the plot gets even
> more shaky and Justice (I think that's it...) arrives.  It's a shame I went
> and spoiled the ending of this "riveting" series for myself.  :oP

Voice: Oh, it's good, isn't it?
Rebecca: Thanks a heap, Provider.
Rick: Nice ST:TOS reference.

> Neon Leviticus Evangelion - Pretty damn funny.  And here I was thinking
> Lisa and Issei and Sublime had some pretty outlandish talents, along comes
> little Jimmy.  This is apparently trying to best Hellstorm in all around
> goofiness.  And considering what happens in later parts (there I go
> spoiling again!), it just may do that.

Voice: [Laughs]
All: ...

> Issei Meets the Saili(o!)r Scout Girls - Gaaaaaaah!  O_O  Not more Issei! 
> Will this kid EVER stop writing this drivel?

Tsuneo: From the looks of things, no.
Dan: Maybe he'll develop a new sense of maturity somewhere around fourteen.

> *ahem*  Anyhow, this MSTing
> was quite funny, despite the fact Issei didn't give you much to work with. 
> It just didn't reach that same level of insanity that I'm used to.

Rebecca: Personally, I'm glad it was that brief. Althouhg his magic darts
were pretty good.

> Ten Things To Do In Tokyo When You're In An Antific - Bizarre.  Hilarious,
> but bizarre.

Dan: And surreal. Don't forget surreal.

> By the way, I saw the new picture of Jo.  BWA, HAH, HAH!  What an eye-sore.
> The K.D. Lang crack made the whole thing ideal.  

> I'm glad to see you're doing the art again and would like to see so many
> others have the treatment.  Namely, I would like to see artwork of Tom
> Dyron, Jim Becket, Issei's transvestrial Satan, Sublime, and last but not
> least... Woodie!  Woohoo!  Yes!  Everyone's favorite neurotic Jewish New
> Yorker demon.  ^_^

Voice: Well, apart from Jim and the devil, all of those are up in the Elmer
Studios art gallery by now. That's at:
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/art.htm
Rebecca: You just love doing those blatant plugs, don't you?

> By the way, will you EVER FINISH NXE?!?  *_*

> Chuck Williamson

Tsuneo: See previous letters.
Dan: Thanks Chuck! Now that's out of the way...
Tsuneo: Not yet. Here's the last one. It's from Ksawarrior.

> Hey all, Ksawarrior here.
> I just thought I'd make a few comments and, give a warning.
> Firstly, your MSTings are among my favourites.
> Now the warning.
> ISSEI IS MAKING A NEW HELLSTORM EVA FIC!!!!!!!
> The horror, of a little gay twelve year old SI.

All: GAAHH!
Dan: Thanks... we think.
Rebecca: And a great big thank you to everyone who wrote in.
Voice: Now that you've finally plowed through your fanmail, I've got the
second half of Neon Leviticus for you.
Dan: Are you sure there aren't any more fanmail, Tsuneo?
Tsuneo: Sorry.

[They all sit - Tsuneo and Rebecca facing the TV, Dan and Rick on the
sideways couch. Tsuneo and Rick are closest on the corners.]

[The screen lights up.]

> A van veered around the parking lot of the airport,

Dan: Okay, who let Pen Pen drive?

> and much to the horror of the airport personnel,

Rick: Misato was driving.

> Misato was driving.

Rick: Well there you go.
Tsuneo: Just so I know, is this going to be a replay of that scene from CLT 3?

> After everyone in the vehicle
> had been hanging onto the door handles for half an hour

Rick: Of course, if you'd done up your seat belts...

> in an attempt to protect their brains from unnecessary vibrations

All: Huh?
Rebecca: How about protecting their brains from being mashed against the wall?

> due to the highly
> dangerous driving skills of a Major Katsuragi, they arrived at NERV.

Dan: I thought that would be "despite" her skills.

> Misato, unaffected by her own driving,

Rebecca: Actually, no. She just made her saving throw.

> went straight to the control center

Tsuneo: And did not pass Go and collect $200.

> while the other pilots emptied their stomaches in nearby garbage cans and
> toilets.

Rick: [Amelia] Again!
Tsuneo: Is it just me, or has the fic suddenly changed?
Dan: You sure you've got the right fic, Voice?
Voice: Oh, yes.

> Assuming her place behind all the other control operators, she
> asked, "What's this report about?"

Rebecca: Oh nothing, just thought we'd waste your time.

> "The computer suddenly registered the presance of an angel right here in
> NERV,

Tsuneo: Do you know anything about it, Kaoru?
Dan: [Kaoru] Me? No idea.

> but it disappeared just as you entered ..."

Rick: That's one smart angel.

> Outside ...

Tsuneo: Back to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

> Jim popped a can of coke, hoping that the caffine and sugar mixture will
> help to calm his nerves after the rathar disturbing experiance in the van.

Rebecca: Excuse me? This is meant to be Jim, Mr. Dark & Brooding, not Jim
the neurotic wreck.
Rick: Actually, they've secretly replaced him with Jamie Jeans and are
waiting for someone to notice.

> Just as he took the first sip, a pain not unlike a migrain caught him by
> the throat and squeezed.

Dan: Funny, and all along I thought migraines went for the head.

> As the pain took over his mind, he clutched his head in agony,

Tsuneo: Even though the pain's in his throat.

> tossing the can away. Bouncing on the floor, the can of
> coke spilled its contents over the floor, which began sizzling alarmingly.

Rick: That's not a coke, it's a Pibb!

> Seeing this, Shinji and the others leapt away from the expanding spill

Rebecca: Get any of that stuff on you and you'll stink for a week!

> while calling for help.

Dan: Calling International Rescue...

> Moments later, paramedics were hauling Jim away on a stretcher

Rick: Along with Mick Foley.

> while pouring some kind of chemical mix over the spill.

Dan: Syphon Filter?

> (It's
> been rumoured that the 'chemical mix' came from the cafeteria of a certain
> Catholic High School near Bayview and Steeles and had been taken as a sample
> during their short stay in Canada)

All: ...
Rick: Dude, this is really ****ed up right here.

> After taking Jim into the emergancy room,

Tsuneo: [Jim] I hate this place.
Rebecca: Which was recorded and broadcast live.
Dan: Although Jim did wonder what Batman was doing there.

> they could find nothing wrong with him,

Rick: They didn't look very hard, did they?

> and sent him back to the control room. As soon as he entered the room,
> something felt different.

Rebecca: Misato's butt?

> From somewhere in the control room ... 

> [Dammit, where is that angel?]

Dan: What's that?
Rick: I think it's meant to be someone thinking.
Tsuneo: Probably Gendo. He'd be the only one actually worrying about the
situation.

> [Oops ... shouldn't have pressed that button ... Akagi isn't looking at me
> so I'll pretend nothing happened]

Rebecca: I think that would be Maya, then.

> [I hate standing here beside the commander. My legs itch and I can't scratch
> it.]

Rick: Fuyutski.

> [Humming to the tune of Savage Garden's "I Want You"]

Dan: Aoba, no doubt.

> [Dammit, I hate sitting here looking cool. My glasses are sliding off and I
> can't push it up cuz I've done that at least four times in the last minute
> ... my legs are falling asleep too ... oh how I envy Katsuragi. At least she
> can walk around without looking like a post.]

Tsuneo: Um... Ritsuko?

> [That stupid Kaji left his stuff in my room and I'll scream if Asuka or
> Shinji finds it ...]

Rebecca: Misato, of course.

> [I wonder what this button does. I can't ask Ibuki cuz I'm supposed to be
> the smart scientist ... Let's see if I can push it and say it's an error ...]

Dan: Hyuga?

> [I want that dress ... but then again, I already have it in three other
> colors ... oh hell, I'll buy it anyways.]

Rick: That would be Asuka... I hope.

> [Why's Father looking at me weird? Oh damn, did I leave my fly down again?]

All: Shinji.

> [I'm so bored here. They have the other three pilots so why do they need me?
> Oh crap. I could be back in my quiet little room getting some new high scores
> on my Playstation ...]

All: Rei?
Rebecca: Playstation? This is 2015.
Dan: That's nothing. In 2033 they still have Gameboys.
Rick: Oh yeah. But in Tokyo-3, the most popular console machine is the Mega CD.

> And out in the EVA bay ... 

> [I hate it when the operators are down there ... why can't they just put the
> suspension liquid back in here? It's damned drafty without that liquid ...
> and why are the operators moving around? They look like they're peeking
> through my armor ...]

Tsuneo: Oh, boy...
Dan: This is gonna hurt. A lot.

> Just then, he saw an operator approach the EVA with a lazer saw.

Rick: Our undercover camera got this rare, exclusive view inside an illegal
EVA chop-shop.

> Just to be nice, Jim told the EVA, "Unit one, you're in for a lot of pain."

Dan: Nah, it's just the armour.
Rebecca: [EVA-01] Hey! Stop! That tickles!

> Confused, everyone in the control room looked at him.

Dan: Guess who else left his fly undone.

> Thinking it was wiser
> to keep quiet, Jim coughed several times and left, thinking, [I've got to be
> dreaming. EVAs can't talk. It's just my imagination.]

Tsuneo: That's what you think. What about episodes 16 and 20?

> [That's what you think, kid!!!]

All: ...
Rebecca: Help me.
Tsuneo: This is just stupid.

> [I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that.] Jim repeated
> in his mind, not willing to listen.

Rick: [Jim] I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away!
Tsuneo: I'm not reading this, I'm not reading this, I'm not reading this!

> [Come on, kid! Face it! I can talk.]

Dan: [EVA-01] It's just I've very rarely got anything to say.

> "Get out of my head!!!!!!!!!"

Rick: It's a regular chat hall in there.

> All Jim managed to do was to cause a few
> personnel to look at him, when hurry away.

Rebecca: Oh, they're used to seeing kids crack up in this job.

> [Don't bother screaming, kid.

Dan: Scream all you like, no-one can hear.

> Just think to me.]

> [Who the hell are you???] 

Rick: I'm your spiritual adviser, the severed dummy's head.
Dan: Largo here. What? Sorry, wrong number.
Tsuneo: [Voice] Ah Jim, I've got a new fic for you.
Rebecca: [Xellos] That... Is a secret!

> [Unit one] 

Tsuneo: Well that makes... Huh?

> [Oh, unit one ... UNIT ONE???] 

Rick: Nice double-take.
Rebecca: [EVA-01] Yeah, didn't you hear me the first time?

> [Don't DO that. It hurts my ears.] 

> [Do you even HAVE ears?] 

Dan: [EVA-01] Okay, audio sensors. Happy?

> [How the hell do you think Shinji hears?

Rebecca: With those headphones on all the time? I wonder too.

> THe damned scientists tap into my nerves to let THEM listen.] 

Dan: What he said.

> [Didn't you say that 'talking' with you didn't require any physical parts?] 

Rick: When did he say that?
Tsuneo: That was the voices in Jim's head. Okay, the *other* voices in his
head.

> [Well fine. My INTERNAL ears. Happy?] 

Tsuneo: Is it just me, or has this entire fic suddenly gone off the deep end?

> [What internal ears?] 

> [Forget it kid. Just give up.] 

Rick: [EVA-01] Damn humans, can't even grasp the simplest metaphors.

> [Stop calling me 'kid'.

Dan: [EVA-01] Okay, kid.

> The name's Jim Beckett.] 

Rebecca: Whoop-de-shit.

> [Do I care?] 

All: No.

> [Do any of the other EVAs talk like you do?] 

Tsuneo: [EVA-01] Well, EVA-02 speaks German, but apart from that...

> [Of course they do.

Dan: Well duh.

> What do you think we do all night here?

Rick: Stare at the walls.
Tsuneo: Read crappy fanfics.

> Just stand until the leg restraints wear off?] 

Rebecca: There's a lemon in there somewhere, I just know it.

> [What do you talk about?] 

Dan: [EVA-01] You know, weather, sports, deep and meaningful contemplations
on the frailty of humanity and man's relationship with god... Stuff.

> [Look kid -- Jim -- why don't you come on down here tomorrow and listen in?
> I'm not going to go over everything.] 

Rick: [EVA-01] Especially since Unit 00 has such a way with words.
Rebecca: Okay, but if EVA-01 describes the room in detail, I'm leaving.

> [When?] 

Dan: Next Sunday AD.

> [Geez ... I don't know ... Just when everyone leaves.] 

Rick: Somehow I don't think Nerv closes overnight.
Rebecca: It's only a matter of courtesy that the Angels all attack during
the day.

> [Alright. Fine then.] 

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tsuneo: One major hallucinogenic fit later.

> That night, Jim went into NERV, surprised to find how most of the guards
> were asleep.

Tsuneo: Big N-O to that.
Rick: Maybe someone pumped the place full of Ratliff gas.

> He wandered around the base, softly calling out in his mind,
> [Unit One ... where are you?]

Dan: [EVA-01] Where do you think I am?

> [Geez kid. You don't have to embarass me like that, do you?]

Rick: [Jim] Don't call me "kid!"

> [If you haven't noticed, it's kinda hard to find your way around here at
> night.]

Tsuneo: Really? I thought Nerv Canada - which he knew all about - was just
like Nerv Japan.

> [How the hell would I know? It's not as if I go wandering around NERV
> every now and then.]

Dan: I should hope not.

> [Well where are you, Unit One?]

Rebecca: [EVA-01] In the Really Big Room. It's kinda hard to miss.

> [Just try to feel where my 'voice' is coming from,

Rick: Use the Force, Jim.

> and don't go around calling me Unit One.

Rebecca: [EVA-01] I've got a name, you know.

> You're embarassing me.]

Dan: Yui Ikari has more problems than we ever imagined.

> [So what do I call you?]

Rick: [EVA-01] Don't start on the "mum" crap, okay?

> [The name is Snake.]

Dan: So that's what he meant by names. This is gonna be bad.
Rick: [Snake] All right, time for a crime spree.

> [Snake?]

Tsuneo: I don't believe I'm reading this.

> [Yeah, you know, in the Garden of Eden, it was the snake who condemned
> humans to work for everything and all that.] 

Tsuneo: We appreciate the reference, but it's a *bit* off.

> [It suits you alright.]

All: No it doesn't!

> [Just shut up and come find us.]

Rebecca: Lost. EVA. Big and purple. Answers to the name of Snake. Talks
a lot. If found, keep.

> ["Us"?]

Rick: You know, the other EVAs he mentioned! Get a clue!

> [Well duh! You know NERV does have three other EVAs.]

Dan: Although we don't like the new kid and keep giving him wedgies.

> [Oh god...]

> [God's got nothing to do with it. Just find your way here.]

> [*sigh*]

Tsuneo: Whatever happened to the dark and brooding Jim we had at the start
of the fic? I miss him... almost.

> After fumbling around and finding a few dead ends,

Rebecca: And bumping into Ritsuko and Maya who were "working late."

> Jim was able to finally open the doors to the

Dan: Ladies' room. Whoops, took a wrong turn.

> EVA holding area, where the four units were
> restrained, Unit Zero facing Unit Two, Unit One facing the Night Stalker.

Tsuneo: Unit 03 facing Unit 04.
Rick: Take your partner by the hand...
Dan: Say, how many EVAs can dance on the head of a pin? [Rebecca hits him
with a cushion.]

> [What took you?]

Dan: [Jim] The bus.
Rick: [EVA-01] What are you doing here.
Dan: [Jim] Talking to you.
Rick: [EVA-01, pointing to imaginary sign] I mean, why did you come here?

> [I was trying to get through the freaking maze.]

Tsuneo: And get his bit of cheese at the end.

> Unit 02 -->[Welcome, Jim. I'm the Angel of Death.

Rebecca: [EVA-02] Or at least I feel like it, after interfacing with Asuka.

> The one you call Unit 00 is Sky.

Dan: That's not a name for an EVA! It's a name for a drugged-up-to-the-
eyeballs hippy!

> Stalker has told us so much about you.]

Rebecca: [EVA-02] Toothpicks.
Dan: [EVA-01] Care to tell us about this bed wetting problem of yours?

> Jim -->[Stalker?? What exactly did you tell them??]

Tsuneo: [Stalker] I don't think you really want an answer, kid.
Rick: [Jim] Don't call me "kid!"

> Stalker -->[Nothing ... just that you were a real good pilot ...]

Dan: [Stalker] In your dreams.
Rebecca: [Stalker] And that you really like wearing a lacy pink bra and
panties.

> Unit 02 -->[By the way, is the bet still on?]

> Jim -->[What bet?]

Rick: [EVA-02] Oh, nothing, nothing, never mind the ton of bricks
suspended above your head, just step a little to your right, yes, right in
the middle of that "X" on the ground...

> Unit 02 -->[Oh, Stalker said you were better than Asuka so we made a bet.]

Dan: [EVA-00] It can't be a bet if we all agree!

> Jim -->[And what would happen if I won?]

> Unit 02 -->[I promised to get Asuka for you as a girlfriend.]

Tsuneo: Funny, I thought that was what he got if he lost.

> Jim -->[A GIRLFRIEND??? I DON'T NEED YOU ROBOTS GETTING ME A GIRLFRIEND,
> AND EVEN IF I WANTED A GIRLFRIEND, I WOULDN'T WANT ASUKA!!!!!!!!!!]

Rick: Maybe Jim's smarter than he looks.

> Unit 02 -->[Do you want Rei instead?]

Rebecca: Hey, she'd remind him of his old girlfriend.
Dan: How's that?
Rebecca: A blow-up doll. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion.]

> Jim -->[NO!!!!!!!!!]

> Unit 00 -->[You wouldn't want Shinji ...]

Rick: Let's not go Hellstorm, please.

> Jim -->[Hell no.]

Tsuneo: Thank you.

> Stalker -->[Well what do you want?]

Dan: [Jim] Misato!
Rick: [Jim] Or that other girl In their class.. What was her name, Naga or
something?

> Jim -->[I want you to forget about the bet.]

> Unit 01 -->[Tough. Already set.]

Tsuneo: How stupid is this? And do you really want to argue back to an EVA?

> Jim -->[Then I refuse to fight.]

Rebecca: Oh yeah, when we're all annihilated by Third Impact, we know who
to blame.

> Unit 02 -->[Asuka and I will kill you and Stalker.

Dan: [Stalker] Uh, waitasec. We never agreed on that!
All: [Chanting] Asuka! Asuka! Asuka!

> Just name something you want.

Rick: Huge pectoral muscles?
Tsuneo: A plot?
Dan: Some charisma?
Rebecca: [Zip noise] Can you do something about *this?*

> How hard can it be?]

Rick: Depends. Does it involve thinking?

> Jim -->[Fine then.

Tsuneo: [Jim] Fine then. I want peace on Earth and goodwill to all men.
Dan: [EVA-01] Sorry, you came to the wrong organisation, kid.
Rick: [Jim] Don't call me "kid!"

> You all owe me one.]

> Unit 00+01+02+Stalker

Dan: Damn, I hate algebra.

> -->[DONE]

> "Jim? Are you alright? You look a little ill.

Rebecca: Must've been a Pibb.
Tsuneo: Nah, he's just been reading the fic again.

> We can't do tests on sick pilots."

Dan: [Ritsuko] Physically sick, that is.

> Ritsuko's voice rang through the intercom. 

> "I'm fine. Proceed with test." 

Tsuneo: [Jim] Destroy random words.
Rick: [Jim] Powerbomb Shane McMahon.

> "You asked for it.

Rebecca: [Laughs evilly.]
Dan: [Maya] Uh, Ritsuko? You're laughing maniacally out loud again.

> Unit two, fill the plug. Keep watch of the LCL levels." 

Tsuneo: What's wrong with the normal "full" and "empty?"

> Slowly, Jim made his way through the deserted streets.

Rick: They were holding a Brittany Spears concert, and everyone had fled in
terror.

> Unit two and one were in there somewhere,

Rebecca: Making out like there's no tomorrow. Eer... AACK!

> each holding a rifle and probably near a weapons block.

Dan: That's so typical of some deathmatch players, just waiting near the weapon
respawns.

> In Stalker's hand was a long curved sword.

Rick: It slices! It dices! It even make french fries, shoestring or crinkle
cut.

> Holding it samuri-style in both hands,

Tsuneo: Jim, do the honourable thing.
Dan: Down plus left punch plus right kick.

> the Stalker quietly (If that was possible for an EVA) snaked between
> the buildings.

Rick: Actually, that's Unit 01's job. Get it, snaked? Snake?
Rebecca: Rick, be quiet before I hurt you.

> [O Angel of Death~~~ , Snake~~~

Dan: [Jim] Bobo! Brain Guy!

> ... where are you??] he thought, almost to himself. 

> Unit 01 -->[As if we'd tell you.] 

Tsuneo: He's got a point there.

> Following the 'voice', Jim's Stalker pounced down onto the unsuspecting
> Snake.

Dan: Shouldn't have taught him that trick, twit.

> Shinji, bewildered, just sat there, watching as the Stalker grabbed
> the back of Snake's head, lifting the purple EVA high into the air, and
> jammed Snake's face into the ground.

Rebecca: A reverse chokeslam. How interesting.
Rick: Go for the pin!

> Just as the Stalker was about to pull Shinji's plug,

Rick: Stalker piloted by Dr. Kevorkian.

> Asuka came around to let off a few rounds at Jim. 

> Leaping out of the way, Jim left Shinji to take all the shots.

Dan: Don't tell me they're doing a live-fire exercise? You've got to be
joking.
Rebecca: Actually, they're hoping to pull a Mobile Infantry on Jim.
Tsuneo: Besides, they've got simulators for this stuff.

> He spun
> around, causing his wings to crash unceremoniously into Unit Two, making it
> crash into a nearby building.

All: TOGG!
Rick: Man, Nerv's hard on the local property.

> Stalking up, (duh! He's called the Stalker!! =P )

[Dan holds up a sign reading "Witless Interjection."]

> he pounded it further into the building and ripped the power plug out. 

Tsuneo: He ripped the power plug out of the building?
Dan: Yeah, it's the new wave of portable office blocks.

> "Jim?!?! What the hell are you doing???" asked Misato, worried for Asuka's
> life. 

> "Don't worry, she won't die ..

Rebecca: [Jim] Well, not much.

> maybe get unconscious from the lack of oxygen
> in the LCL ... but she won't die," Jim commented. 

Dan: You seem awfully sure of yourself there.
Tsuneo: I should say something about backup power here, but I don't think
anyone would listen.

> Jim was going to turn his attention back to Unit One, but Shinji had
> scurried into one of the lifts and announced his share of 'practice' was
> over. 

All: Chicken!
Rebecca: I guess Shinji decided to run away after all! [She laughs until
Tsuneo hits her repeatedly with a cushion.]

> Asuka, unable to get out of the building or move, was announced 'game over',
> giving the place of victory to Jim. 

Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare humiliate the great Asuka? WA-TAK!

> Back down in Nerv, Gendou sits at his desk, silently pondering over some
> papers on his desk

Tsuneo: Wondering about the sudden tense changes.
Dan: [Gendo] Should I tell Fuyutski about his foot odour?

> regarding the reports of an angel. The Magi had declaired
> it to be an error ... but was it? 

Rebecca: Bet this wasn't in his scenario.

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tsuneo: Well, Gendo's had his token scene... Now it's back to Jim!

> Jim-->[So I guess I won the bet?] 

Dan: Oh come on, he cheated.

> Unit 01-->[Sure did] 

Rebecca: My god, he's even bent the EVAs to his will.

> Jim-->[So you guys owe me a favor.] 

> Unit 02-->[Yup. Take your time thinking up the favor.] 

> Jim-->[Don't worry, I already know what I want.

Dan: [Jim] I wanna teddy bear for Christmas!

> First, I hope that we can all remain friends,

Rick: After what you did to Unit 02? No chance.

> and second, I was wondering if you could help me figure
> out why I can 'think' to you EVAs.] 

Tsuneo: That's simple, you got struck down by a plot contrivance.
Rick: You're a headband person. All headband people are psychics.

> Unit 01-->[Well, I have no problem with the friend thing, but maybe you
> should ask Sky. She's been around the longest.] 

> Jim-->[The longest?] 

Rick: [EVA-01] Although she's got a few skeletons in her closet. Get it,
skeletons?
Rebecca: Rick, give up.
Tsuneo: [EVA-01] Well, that's not exactly true. She only recently got
retconned back to life.

> Unit 00-->[Yes, I was created before Snake or the Angel of Death. Anyways, I
> scanned through the Magi files,

Tsuneo: Okay, since when can it do that?
Dan: Don't you know? Unit 00's an avid hacker. She's almost as good as Tom.

> and it says that you have some kind of 'special ability',

All: Naw!

> so I suggest that you go link yourself to the Magi

Rick: You sure about that? I don't think Jim's Win98 compatible.

> and run a diagonosis program through your brain.] 

Rebecca: Oh yeah, that'll really work. I'm sure it's got the facilities to do
uberkid brain scans. Heck they use them every day.

> Unit 02-->[And where exactly is he going to stick that plug huh?

[They all snigger.]

> He's not
> like us. He doesn't have all these stupid mechanical bits and pieces like we
> do.] 

> Unit 01-->[ ... I know one place where he can stick the plug ...] 

Rebecca: I like this EVA.

> Unit 00-->[Snake, Death, stop this foolishness. I'm sure Akagi has some kind
> of neuro-receivers or something.] 

Dan: Of course! Ritsuko leaves that kind of stuff lying around all the time.
Rebecca: Maybe we could give him EI implants.
Rick: Rebecca, you're nowhere near qualified for that kind of surgery.
Rebecca: I know that.

> Jim-->[That's quite all right. I think my headband has the appropriate
> receiver...] 

Tsuneo: Just in case.
Rick: Now this is one of the many benefits of being a headband person.

> Jim went over to the control room and 'convinced' the locked door to open.

Dan: He moaned at it for five minutes and it committed suicide.

> The control room had undergone some renovations a short while ago,

Rick: they'd had a pool installed.

> and a sizable mess occupied one area of the room.

Tsuneo: Okay, who here wants to know why the command centre was renovated?

> Digging around that mess, Jim
> found several cables and connected them from his headband to the computer.
> Snapping on the power switch, he first made sure he locked out everyone from
> the control room,

Rebecca: Come on, you've got to be joking.
Rick: No, seriously. Who's going to get in there, sleeping guards and EVAs?
Dan: How about the night shift?
Rick: What night shift? Nerv works nine to five.

> then began the scan. Twenty minutes later, the computer

Rick: Had finally booted up. See what happens when you use a Mac classic?

> came out with the report.

Tsuneo: Well look at that. He got an A in plot contrivances.

> Jim brought it back into the holding bay to discuss it with his 'friends'. 

> Unit 01-->[Hm ... you're one lucky guy. It's not every day that you get to
> be sprayed by chemicals.

Dan: Question is: would you want to?

> so you're immune to that angel, right?] 

> Unit 00-->[Actually, Jim has contained the angel within his brain, and now
> controlls it ...] 

Tsuneo: Okay, what are the chances? This has to be one of the biggest damn
plot contrivances since...
Rebecca: Issei started writing?
Tsuneo: Yeah, something like that.

> Unit 02-->[Cool!! So now you have an AT field too?? And you can cause the
> third impact??] 

Rick: I'm not sure that's something to be proud of.
Rebecca: Nor is it the sort of thing you want to test.

> Jim-->[I don't know ...] 

Dan: You don't know much, do you?
Rebecca: Go on, kid. Give it a shot.
Rick: [Jim] Don't call me "kid!"

> Unit 00-->[The Magi say that Jim doesn't have that special *thing* that

Rebecca: Makes men male.

> lets them cause the third impact,

Tsuneo: Well of *course* not. The angel in his head is what you've got to
worry about.
Dan: So remember folks. If you ever see Jim walking around Terminal Dogma
in the middle of the night, shoot to kill. It's safer that way.

> but I don't know about the AT field.] 

Rick: Please don't let him get up to Lisa's levels.

> Unit 02-->[Let's find out ....] 

> Jim-->[And how do you propose to do that?] 

[They all laugh evilly]

Dan: Just stand in front of this rifle...

> Unit 02-->[Simple! In the next angel battle, you pretend to get hurt or
> something, and see if an AT field will protect you.] 

Tsuneo: Never mind that the EVAs and Angels can *consciously* control
their AT fields...

> Jim-->[And if I don't have an AT field?] 

> Unit 02-->[Then you'll get fried!] 

Rebecca: I like this plan.

> Jim-->[Gee thanks...] 

All: You're welcome!

> Unit 01-->[Aw come on!! Just try it! I want to find out!] 

Rick: That does it. These EVAs are out to kill him.
Dan: Wouldn't you?

> Jim-->[Shhhh!! That Katsuragi lady just walked in!] 

Rebecca: Athena?
Rick: Yeah, yeah, just keep it obscure.

> Unit 01-->[It's not like she can hear us.] 

Tsuneo: Don't you know? Misato knows all, Misato sees all.

> Jim-->[I know ... but you're distracting me...] 

Dan: [Jim] Actually, *she's* distracting me. Hubba, hubba!

> "Jim ... what are you doing here?

Tsuneo: [Jim] I got lost. You?
Rick: [Misato] Um... Just going for a stroll.

> I thought they locked up for tonight." 

Rebecca: [Jim] Well Ritsuko and Maya got in.

> "Um ... I left something in here

Tsuneo: The plot? No, you'd have to have it first.

> and thought I should find it..." 

Rick: [Jim] I've lost my marbles. Has anyone seen them?

> "But you haven't been in here before." 

> Jim-->[DOH!] 

Dan: She's got ya there, kid.
Rick: [Jim] Don't call me "kid!"
Dan: Can it already, Rick.

> Unit 01-->[Nice excuse, kid.] 

Tsuneo: Real smooth. Why don't you just tell her that your navigational
systems are damaged?

> [Shut up.]

Dan: [EVA-01] Make me.

> "Um ... then I guess got kinda lost" 

Rebecca: [Misato] What, you too? Uh, whoops...

> Unit 01-->[SURE you did.] 

> Jim-->[Either you guys shut up or help me out of this.] 

Rick: [EVA-01] Oh no, we wanna see you fry.
Rebecca: These EVAs are a lot smarter than they look.
Dan: And funnier.

> Unit 01-->[FINE ... I'll help you out ... just this once.] 

> Sirens began going off in the Terminal Dogma.

Tsuneo: Someone left a potato in the microwave again.

> Personnel rushed in to try and figure out what the heck was going on.

Dan: It's only Third Impact, nothing to worry about.

> Meanwhile, Jim quietly slipped out. 

Rick: [Jim] Exit stage right.

> Jim-->[Thanks ... you actually helped for once.] 

Tsuneo: Never mind battling angels and so on.

> Unit 01-->[You're welcome ... hey!!] 

Rebecca: That does it. Next time he comes by, squish him.

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Somehow, Misato had managed to completely forget the incident involving
> Jim.

Dan: [Barbrady] That's right. Go back to your quiet little homes and resume
your simple little lives. Forget this incident ever happened. Forget. Forget.

> Everyone was puzzled about where the angel siren had detected an angel,
> but all the sensors could not find anything wrong.

Rick: Maybe it was a Demon or an Invador instead.
Rebecca: Maybe it had detected Kim Beazley. I can't blame them for the
mistake.

> In the end, they had to give up.

Tsuneo: Try the manual. See what it says about false alarms. If that fails,
try calling the helpdesk, for all the good that'll do.
Rick: Maybe Hyuga just spilled his Pibb again.

> Jim headed back to the apartment that Shinji, Asuka and Misato
> shared.

Dan: Misato's Apartment, coming this fall to Fox.

> Misato had ordered him to spend at least the night with them.

Rebecca: What? All at once?

> She
> had given him a crudely drawn map, but he was still unable to figure out
> where the heck he was.

Rick: He was somewhere between Abu Dhabi and Texaco.
Dan: You know, for a super-genius, he's really, really stupid.

> Upon wandering around,

Rick: And facing several sets of Wandering Monsters the GM threw at him
to waste time.

> he found a eight-year-old girl sitting by the road.

Dan: It's a trap! It's a trap!

> She was crying, her light brown hair hanging over the
> sides of her face like a curtain,

Rebecca: A cat had shredded it.

> all tangled. The clothes she wore were torn and dirty.

Tsuneo: Who can understand these new fashions?

> An empty collar was in one hand while the other was rubbing her eyes.

Rebecca: Warning, warning, we have disgusting cuteness alert.

> Walking up to her, Jim gently asked, "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" 

Tsuneo: [Girl] I'm stuck in a [Sniff] crappy fanfic!

> "My kitty ran up into the tree." Sobbed the girl. 

Rebecca: Oh, for crying... I'm gonna be sick.

> "Please don't cry. Wait here, I'll get your kitty."

Dan: I'd love to know what this has to do with the story.
Rick: Maybe Jim's showing his human side.
Dan: You're joking, right?
Tsuneo: Maybe the kid's the next angel.
Rick: So what about the kitty?
Tsuneo: It's just a kitty.

> Jim glanced up at the
> tree that the girl had pointed out and went around it. Flying up, careful to
> keep the tree between himself and the girl, he found the kitten and brought
> it down.

Rick: It slashed his face into ribbons, but he rescued it nonetheless.
Dan: In the US army, that would qualify you for a Purple Heart.

> Holding it in his arm, he handed it back to the girl.

Dan: [Jim] It crapped in my hands. Happy?

> Her face lit up like a light bulb, a smile crossing her features. 

Rebecca: I get it, it's that firking flower girl from Macross 7!

> "Oh arigatou!! Arigatou gozaimasu!!!

Dan: Bless you.
Tsuneo: Huh? When'd the fic go to fanboy Japanese?

> My name is Suki." The girl held out her hand in a rather formal gesture.

Rick: But not a TV-friendly gesture.

> Laughing a bit, Jim shook her hand and
> replied, "Nice to meet you, Suki-chan. I am Jim Beckett.

Dan: [Jim] You may call me God.

> That's a nice kitty you have." 

Rebecca: He's lucky he phrased that properly.

> "I call him Tora-chan.

Tsuneo: Okay, my apologies. The kid's innocent, the kitty's the next angel.

> I found him a few months ago. He's usually a really
> gentle kitten. I don't know what happened to him today." Suki explained. 

Rick: He saw Jim coming and bolted.

> "Well it doesn't matter. He's safe now." Jim started to walk off, but the
> kitten followed him. 

Dan: Odd, this human smells of fish heads.
Rebecca: Don't you know? That's a savage attack kitten. It's been genetically
programmed to stalk and kill him.

> "Tora-chan! Come back!" called the girl. Turning, Jim picked up the kitten
> again and handed it to the girl.

Tsuneo: [Jim] Take it already, I'm losing fingers!

> "Suki-chan, aren't you supposed to be home by now?

Dan: Go away, kid, you bother me.

> Your parents must be worried." 

Rebecca: Seeing you talk to a strange man like this.

> "Well, I don't have parents."

Rick: You really put your foot in that one, Jim.

> Suki explained, "They got killed in one of those monster attacks." 

Tsuneo: Godzilla 1985.
Rick: Gammera, Guardian of the Universe.
Dan: Gappa, the Triphibian Monster.
Rebecca: Or, if you're really unlucky, Gorgo.

> "So where do you live?" 

Rick: In a semi-detached three bedroom, two bathroom cardboard box.
Tsuneo: A well-appointed hole in the ground.
Rebecca: A split-level cave twenty miles below the surface of the earth.
Dan: Left luggage locker, number 2717.

> "I live all over the place.

Tsuneo: [Suki] Every night, I scatter my limbs on the street.

> Wherever I can find shelter, that's where I stay." 

> Her words striking a soft spot in his heart,

[Rebecca mimes throwing up.]

Dan: The left ventricle.

> Jim kneeled down in front of the girl and asked,

Rebecca: [Jim] Where'd you get that dress? I'd like one in my size.
Tsuneo: [Jim] Remind me again, what exactly is your contribution to the plot?

> "Would you like to stay with me? Then I can get you into a
> proper school and you would have more friends." 

Rick: Well, that's not too hard...
Dan: And she can learn all about Second Impact.
Rebecca: Yes, but would you want those friends?

> "Really??" Suki's eyes lit up for a moment again, then looked disappointed,
> "But I don't have any money ... and I don't want to trouble you." 

Dan: Kid, never kick a gift horse in the teeth.

> "Don't worry, Suki." Comforted Jim, "Just think of me like an older brother.

Rick: [Jim] Which means I'll probably buy it half way through the series.

[They all cheer.]

> I might not have too much time on my hands myself, but it'll be better than
> to wander around here like this." 

Tsuneo: And remember, this is coming from the guy who can't find Misato's
apartment.

> "You mean I can call you oniisan??" Suki looked like she was ready to cry
> again. 

Dan: [Jim] Say it in English, and I'll answer you.

> "Yes, you can call me whatever you want.

Rebecca: Okay, you're a-
Dan: Not you!
Rebecca: Nuts.

> Let's go home now." Jim gently took her hand. 

Tsuneo: And the rest of her, I hope.

> "Where do you live?" 

> Suddenly, Jim was reminded that he hadn't found a place to stay yet. 

Rick: [Jim] Did I just offer you shelter? Whoops.

> "Don't worry. I'll find us a place. For the moment, I know somewhere we can
> go." 

Rebecca: Where the sun shines and the air smells like warm root beer and the
towels are oh so fluffy! And the Shriners and the lepers play their ukeleles
all day long and anyone will gladly shave your back hair for a nickel!

> At the Katsuragi residence ... 

Rick: Hell on Earth.

> "... and so I'm staying with Suki-chan." Explained Jim to Misato. 

Dan: Jim's living on the streets?

> "Well, I don't mind you two crashing here, but Suki, you need a bath, right
> now." 

Tsuneo: [Misato] And don't ask about the penguin.

> "Misato-san, I don't have any other clothes ..." Suki said. 

> "Asuka, will you lend her some of yours?

Dan: Let's see now. Asuka's fourteen and Suki's eight. No.

> Suki, would you like to sleep in Asuk's room or mine?" Misato cheerfully asked. 

Rick: Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

> "May I stay in the living room with oniisan?" Somehow, Suki felt safer around
> Jim. 

Rebecca: She won't after she finds out about his previous for child molesting.

> "Well, I guess it's alright. Go now. Go and take a bath.

Dan: [Misato] Before you stink the place out!
Rick: Stink out Misato's place?
Dan: You won that one.

> It's getting late." 

> "Arigatou Misato-san!" Suki ran off towards the bathroom with some clothes
> that Asuka gave her. 

Rick: [Asuka] Why should I, the almighty and powerful Asuka have to share
clothes with some unwashed peasant?
Tsuneo: Do you ever get the feeling you're taking that one a little too far?
Rick: I'll stop when she does.

> The next morning, Shinji woke up to find Suki on the floor, scrubbing the
> hallway clean. 

Dan: That's his job! Someone shows up, and they won't be able to walk all
over him.

> "Ohayo Shinji-san." 

Tsuneo: And a great big ohayo to all you sentient life forms out there. And
to all the rest of you, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys.
Rebecca: Is it just me, or has this fic changed direction *again.*
Dan: I'm afraid it has.
Rick: You don't think it's being secretly multi-authored?

> "O ... ohayo Suki-chan.

Rick: No wonder he's nervous, he's used to speaking in dubbed.

> You can just call me Shinji." 

Dan: [Shinji] If that.
Rebecca: [Shinji] Why not settle with "hey you?" It'll make you fit in more.

> "Hai! Shinji-kun, what would you like for breakfast?" 

> "You know how to cook?" 

Tsuneo: Does boiling the crap out of noodles count?

> "Anything short of a banquet, yes. What would you like for breakfast?" 

Rick: [Shinji] Something edible, actually.

> "Well ... anything you want to cook.

Dan: [Shinji] Hamburger? Newspaper? Penguin? Rei's buried a couple of
Avatars out the back.

> Why are you scrubbing the floors?" 

Rebecca: [Shinji] That's my racket.

> "I stayed for the night.

Tsuneo: And she can't pay the bill.
Dan: [Suki] But I've gotta say, the service is lousy in this joint.

> I feel that I should help out." 

> "It's alright, really." 

> "Please. Let me help." 

Rick: Hey, it's Kasumi as a kid.

> At that moment,

Rebecca: A huge volcano erupted, spewing ash and molten lava everywhere and
everybody burned and died!
Rick: Aren't you getting a bit carried away?
Rebecca: Just trying to inject some interest into this story.

> Jim got up from the couch he settled into. 

Dan: [Jim] *Man* those cushions are soft!

> "Oh !! Ohayo oniisan!" 

> "Ohayo Suki-chan. Why are you awake so early?

Rebecca: She couldn't sleep for all the singing fleas.
Tsuneo: [Jim] And why are you talking in fanboy Japanese?

> Shinji told you to wipe the floor?" Jim glared at Shinji. 

Rick: [Shinji] I'm sorry.

> "Oh no ... Shinji-kun just woke up. I decided to help out. May I?" 

Dan: [Suki] Can I lick your boots while I'm down here?

> "If you really want to, I guess so. No point in stopping you." 

Tsuneo: [Jim] I'll just sit back and let everyone else do the work. Hey, I
don't mind.

> Smiling, Suki resumed her mopping. A while later, Misato and Asuka came out,

Rebecca: Glad Suki hadn't decided to sleep in either of their rooms.

> and everyone was eating breakfast. 

Dan: I guess this would be Jim's usual morning, then.

> "Jim, do you know anywhere you can stay yet?" asked Misato. 

Rick: Actually, he was planning to leach off you for the rest of eternity.
Rebecca: The neighbours say he's lowing their property values.

> "Not at the moment." Jim handed his plate to Suki for more. 

Tsuneo: Say, is this girl your friend or your personal servant?

> "Well, I was thinking that since our neighbours are moving out,

Dan: And honestly, who can blame them?

> you can move in with us. It will be more convenient for all of us." 

Tsuneo: Now all they need is to get Rei over here and boom! Sitcom heaven!
Rick: Oh, Rei's just the weird girl from work who pops in once per episode,
delivers a funny line and leaves.
Rebecca: Try as hard as I can, I can't imagine that.

> "Hai, Misato-san." 

> "Oh come on Jim. Don't make it sound like I'm giving you an order. This is
> just a suggestion." 

> "Hai." 

Dan: Comedy.
Rebecca: Any funnier and you'd think WARenfeld was writing it.

> "*sigh* ... I have some business to attend to,

Tsuneo: What, Kaji got retconned, again?
Rick: Say, can anyone here figure when this is meant to fit into EVA
continuity?
Tsuneo: Um... Given that Jim's the fifth children, and things happen pretty
quickly after Toji becomes a pilot, this'd have to be somewhere between
episodes 20 and 22. Of course, he could just retcon everything after a
certain point out of existence, as fic authors tend to do.

> so I won't be back until pretty late.

Rebecca: Tending the melons again, I see.

> Asuka, Shinji, why don't you help Jim settle in?" 

Dan: [Misato] You'll find the shovel and the cement mix in the broom closet.

> "Hai." Shinji quietly replied and resumed eating. 

Rick: Shinji's finally got his priorities sorted out.

> "Misato ... I have to go out today ... there's a new mall ..." Asuka
> whined. 

Rebecca: Asuka Langley Soryu. Future queen of the universe, mother of the
new human race and mallrat.

> "Oh come on. Let's make Jim feel welcome." Misato popped another beer. 

Dan: [Shinji] Uh, Misato? that's your third beer this morning.
Tsuneo: That's easy for you to say. You're the one who's going "out."

> "Yeah, right. Whatever." Asuka muttered. 

Rick: [Asuka] The mighty Asuka refuses to play valet for some overblown Canadian.

> "Actually, I think I'll do just fine on my own.

Tsuneo: Face it, he's gonna get lost again.

> If you want, I guess you could
> go to the mall or wherever you want to go." Said Jim quietly. 

[Rebecca leaps up, grabs the TV and smashes it through the coffee table. She
then proceeds to jump up and down on it repeatedly]

Rick: Uh, Rebecca, are you OK?
Rebecca: I HATE THAT DAMNED KID!
Dan: Easy now. The big bad TV's all dead.
Rebecca: Thanks. I needed that.
Tsuneo: Okay... Um... Let's see... It was... Well... Rick, you go first.
Rick: Nuh-uh. You go first.
Tsuneo: You first. I'm stumped!
Rick: I'm stumped. Dan, you go first!
Dan: Oh, alright. Pair of wimps. Anyway, it was kind of stupid. No, actually,
it was really, really bloody stupid. Jim flounders through it doing stupid
things, the plot's stupid, the EVAs say stupid things and those stupid little
asides are, well... Stupid.
Rebecca: I... I... I don't know where to begin. It's just dumb. For a while
I thought that we had actually gone to a different fanfic. That's how stupid
it was. The next thing we know, the dark, brooding Jim has been replaced with
a wise-ass kid who talks to a trio of potty-mouthed EVAs. That's how stupid it
is. And don't get me started on the kid.
Tsuneo: The big thing for me was how much it had changed between chapters. It
was almost as if we had a new writer. And then it changed again for the last
chapter. Plus that driving scene was so much like CLT, it was scary.
Rick: Sales are slipping. I think I'll make the female lead's chest a little
bigger.
Voice: Could you say something relevant to the fic?
Rick: When the fic says something relevant to the fic, I will.
Tsuneo: That about sums it up, yeah.
Dan: Can we go now?
Voice: Yes.
Rick: Oh, good. I half expect to be run down by the mail van on the way out.

[They get up and leave. The screen goes blank.]

Voice: The what?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au)

Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas)
Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth
(Rick R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
        http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm
        All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA
        conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot.

Rick's Mecha Madness Page:
        http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
        AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only
        Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and
        Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Unit 01-->[ ... I know one place where he can stick the plug ...]