Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Number 43. The continuation of "Cruel Lina's Theseis." Help. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Slayers is copyright (fill this bit in) "Cruel Lina's Thesis" is copyright 2 hacks who've written bad fanfics over the web. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Rick & Rebecca enter, talking.] Rick: So is he any good. Rebecca: Pretty good for a first effort at an Ultra. One or two quibbles, but pretty much OK. Rick: Oh? Like what. I'm thinking of getting one myself. Rebecca: Well, the arm attachment in robot mode is stodgy as can be. And there's the mis-fired gimmick? Rick: The mane, right. Rebecca: Right. He supposedly is able to spin it to create tornados, but he just ends up looking like a killer sunflower. Rick: But all in all pretty good. Rebecca: Yeah. Voice: Do I even want to know what you guy s are on about? Rebecca: Oh, hello there, huge enigmatic alien computer. Voice: What? Rick: That's a good one. Rebecca: Never mind. It's nothing. Voice: No, seriously. What the hell looks like a killer sunflower? Rebecca: Oh, I got a LioConvoy toy for my birthday. When he's got his mane extended to do his tornado attack, he looks like a killer sunflower. Rick: Regret it yet? Voice: Yeah. Rick: So where are the others? Voice: Oh, they said they'd be a bit late. [Dan finally enters. Instead of his regular outfit, is wearing a thick steel-grey bodysuit with large dark grey pads on the forearms and thighs, topped off with a pair of fingerless gloves and his old sleeveless jacket. He has a holster on his belt and a knife sheath attached to one of his armoured boots.] Dan: Sorry we're late guys. You'd never guess what happened! Rick: Aliens zapped you and took away what little fashion sense you already had? Dan: Huh? [Looks down] Oh, this, nah. It's just a costume. We've got a new job! Rebecca: So McDonalds finally got sick of knocking you back, huh? Dan: Very funny. You're just jealous. [Tsuneo enters behind him. His new outfit consists of a steel-grey armoured shirt, black jeans and a heavy, armoured jacket. He wears a long sword sheath at his hip, and sports a short, ruffled ponytail.] Tsuneo: Thrilling, ain't it? We're minor characters in a new RPG. We just came from filming. Rick: So, um, what's with the suits. Dan: Armoured clothing, my friend. It's a dangerous world out there. Rebecca: Dangerous? What kind of a job? Dan: Well, we're playing psychic characters in a cyberpunk future. We basically do covert jobs and that kinda stuff. Best bit is, I get all these neat new powers! Rebecca: [Bored] Oh really? Like what? Dan: Just what you'd expect from your average bad-assed psychokinetic. Rebecca: So you could take down Shion then? Dan: Yeah! Tsuneo: Oh boy. Here we go again. [Tsuneo wanders over to the computer and ignores the others.] Rick: So you can fire off huge energy blasts, huh? Dan: Well... No, not quite. Rebecca: And you can fly at super speeds, huh? Dan: Not as such, no. Rick: And you've got a super-protective forcefield? Dan: Missed that one. That's why I got the armour. Rebecca: Oh, no, don't tell me. A whole slew of mental powers, like telepathy and mind control? That kind of stuff? Tsuneo: On Dan? You wish. Rick: So, in other words, you wouldn't stand a chance against Shion, huh? Dan: I didn't say that. Rebecca: [Sighs] Useless as ever. Dan: Hey! Tsuneo: Don't mind him. He's just hyped up 'cause he gets to be a villain. Rick: [Bored] Oh. That must have the good guys *quaking* in their boots. Rebecca: [Smirks] Oh yeah? You know what always happens to villains. Tsuneo: Guys, we've got fanmail. Rick: Hey, cool! [They cluster around the computer.] Tsuneo: Here's one from Sgt. Anjay on MTMTE 1. > Hola! I just read the riff of "More Than Meets The Eye" (yeah, I probably > should've read it sooner, but anywayz). Boy, I must say you guys were in > rare form that time.....the riffing was even funnier than the fic was lame. > And as far as lameness goes, that one ranks WAY up there. Rick: Yeah, we thought it was pretty rank too. > I do have some comments on a couple individual parts of that.... > >Rebecca: So, did you find anything interesting? > >Tsuneo: Ah, mostly doubles. But I did get the Club Anipike haven. > >Rick: Bastard. > >Voice: Are you guys quite finished? > >Rebecca: Nope. > >Dan: Carry on, though. Don't mind us. > >Rick: And none of us have got your card yet, anyway. > I have a double of that one....will trade for any SI Effortless Seduction > cards. Rebecca: Like we'd actually want it. > >> Ami: I'll search for the bird on my computer. > >Rick: Try Ben Yee's webpage. > >Tsuneo: Ultra-Obscure. > I know I'm stumped. Rebecca: www.bwtf.com > >> Megatron: HahahahahahahahaAAAAAAA! > >All: Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha! > >Dan: That's the third corniest evil laugh I've ever heard. > >Rebecca: Third? No, can that. I *don't* want to know. > I DO! I DO! Rebecca: No. Dan: Nope. Rick: Nuh-uh. > >Dan: No, he's just saying "Super-Duper-Low-Calorie-Dude-In-Black-Nameless- > >Monkey-Boy-Self-Insertion-Totally-Gnarly-Give-You-Coldsores-You-Wouldn't- > >Believe-Lip-Sucker-French-Kiss." [He starts panting to get his breath back] > >[The others applaud] > *Anjay applauds as well* > >Dan: Okay, Rebecca, put it this way. If you ever found someone moronic and > >masochistic enough to be your boyfriend, and then some jerk who thinks he can > >do what ever he wants with you beats him up in front of you, how would you > >respond? > >Rebecca: If he's that moronic and masochistic, he deserves it. [Grins] > >Dan: Well, that's sicker than usual. > Sure is.......but um, just where does someone go to sign up for that one? > For the guy who gets to kiss her, beat up the boyfriend then have her fall in > love with him, that is. Not to be the actual boyfriend. Rebecca: Anjay, you are a very sick little boy. > At any rate, great riffing, as usual. And I'm quite enjoying going back to > these earlier riffings....very entertaining. I believe that's it for > now....though you can be sure I'll get back in touch for the next parts (and > yes, that is a threat). Adios.... > --Sgt. Anjay Tsuneo: Thanks again, Anjay. We've also got one from Chuck Williamson on Ranger Saturn. > Upon reading the laugh fest which was "Ranger Saturn" (both the horrid > fanfic and the MST'ing), I felt almost preordained by destiny to write > this. And here I am, my fingers prancing over the keyboard like wily > insects. It feels good. ^_^ > Anyhow, I must say that this has been the funniest non-EVA MST'ing (I > normally avoid Sailor Moon MSTs, being as though I hardly watch the show > itself...) I've read in a long, long time. The return of Samantha and > Alexander was very appreciated, being as though their presense seriously > spiced up the humor. And the MST'ing itself was hilarious. The 'fic was > downright pointless -- a mere device for Mike to work that Aura of Smooth > (tm) on poor Ami-chan. :o/ Then again, comparing him to your past SI's > (Issei and Lisa come to mind), this may seem quite tame. O_o > Nevertheless... > One complaint, however: The cruel treatment of Dan. Come on, give the > poor guy a break. I'm sure beneath that crude, childish demure is a > refined gent just waiting to pop out. ^_^ Dan: Yahoo! I've got fans! Tsuneo: Chuck, you're delusional. > Cheers, and keep up the good work! > Chuck Williamson > PS. A quick bit of trivia: A person very dear and special to me happens > to be named Lisa Foster. ~_~ She went ape-shit upon hearing of "Fate of > the Children"... Rick: I sympathise with her. Tsuneo: And thank you, Chuck! I must say, I'm pretty glad I missed that one. Dan: You're only saying that because you didn't get to see Sammie in that plugsuit. [Tsuneo stands bolt upright and looks confused.] Rebecca: Oh, we had a fun time beating up Dan. Tsuneo: Plugsuit? Rick: Don't think about it. Voice: Are you guys ready yet? Rebecca: Will we ever be? Voice: Well, tough luck. I've got the long-awaited second chapter of Cruel Lina's Thesis for you today. Tsuneo: I'm leaving. Rick: Doors are locked, sorry. Dan: Oh yeah? Not for us. You see, since we've got a real job now, we can just stride out of here. You hear me voice? We quit! Voice: Well, there was the matter of that contract... Tsuneo: Bastard. [Thewy sit - Dan & Tsuneo facing the TV, Rebecca and Rick on the sideways couch. Tsuneo and Rebecca are closest on the corners.] Tsuneo: Plugsuit? Rebecca: Never mind. [The TV screen lights up.] > We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!! Rick: Large as life and twice as ugly. > You thought you could stop us, Tsuneo: We tried. We tried our hardest. > but under severe fan demand for the > MSTed version or our regular edition Dan: Woo-hoo! We're famous! > (and threat of being Dragon Slaved > if we didn't) Rebecca: I thought it would be being Dragon Slaved if they did. > we have produced CH 2 of CRUEL LINA'S THESIS. All: [Moan loudly] > If you wish to view a MSTed version of our fic, check out Shinji's > Vault of Anime MSTings. Tsuneo: Anyone would think he was kissing up. Rick: Shall we insert a blatant plug for our own web page here? Rebecca: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm Rick: How do you pronounce all those slashes anyway? Voice: And again with that wall... > We'd also like to thank Elmer Studio's for MSTing > the original version of our fic. Dan: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Voice: So much for that fourth wall... > In fact, finding out that our riffers were 'Rifters', Rick: I object! Only two of us are from that campaign, and one of them isn't even a native to that hackneyed world. Tsuneo: I'm insulted to be associated to them. Rick: You mean to Rifts, don't you? Tsuneo: I know what I said. > we're planning to include a special 'treat' in a later chapter. Tsuneo: That bodes. > (Mua-HA-hahaHAhahaha!!). Rick: Someone needs to cut down on their sugar intake. Rebecca: Oh, look! It's Ghosty with hiccups. Dan: No, it's Torgo trying on a maniacal laugh. > So, if they THINK they can handle us again,... > they know where to find us :) Dan: Come get some. > A big THANK YOU goes out to our fans (and you know who you are), Rebecca: Mister Right Hand, I assume? Rick: Probably the same people who liked Hellstorm Evangelion. Voice: ... > for actual constructive criticism, Rebecca: We prefer destructive criticism ourselves. > which is a commodity rarer than gold > (or Molybdenum, for that matter). Now that the summer is here, we have > more time on our hands; and you know how dangerous that is. All: Yes. Dan: Well, I'm scared. > Future > chapters should come out more frequently (sorry for the delay on this one). Tsuneo: No-one here's complaining. > One note in regards to this chapter. Rick: [Author] We're sorry! > Viewers may find this episode a little "EVA Heavy". Dan: Is that anything like Fuzion Lite? Tsuneo: One of the great evils of this world. > This is a necessity. Aside from setting up the Slayers > in the NGE universe, our first chapter was more Slayers heavy: Rick: Insert your favourite Naga joke here. Dan: Let's be fair; anything with her has *got* to be heavy. > so in the end, it balances out. Future chapters will be more equal. Rebecca: And this is a good thing because? Rick: Neither Amelia or Asuka will dominate the screen any more? Rebecca: Good point. > Thanks to Andrew Huang for introducing us to the infamous Mr. Pibb, > chemical byproduct of Coca Cola. Andrew, this Pibb's for you. Tsuneo: What's a Pibb? > And now on with our story. You have been warned. Voice: Yeah, that's my job. Rebecca: Admit it, you were one of the people who asked for this. [Pause] Voice: Maybe. > * A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover * > * * > * Cruel Lina's Thesis * > * * > * Part 2: The Fit hits the Shan * Dan: I see Dr. Thinker's been editing again. > ------------------- > Gendo's Office > ------------------- > "It is time, Captain Katsuragi." Dan: Mac time? > Gendo Ikari stared over his fingers at NERV's Tactical Commander. Tsuneo: Nah, it was just some other Captain Katsuragi. And that would be Major by now. > "What? Commander, are you serious? The risks..." Misato's > apprehension was tangible. Rick: Not that we know what they're on about or anything. > "I am well acquainted with the risks. Dan: [Gendo] They've got a very nice daughter. > Nevertheless, it is an event > that must occur. I expect you to carry out your duties with all due > professionalism. Am I being clear?" All: No. > "Crystal." The purple-haired woman turned on her heel and strode > towards the door with a file in her hands. Tsuneo: [Reading] J-E-N-O-V-A... Wait a second... Rebecca: [Misato, reading] Personal diary of Gendo- Rick: [Gendo] Whoops! Wrong folder! > At the threshold, she turned. > "I hope you know what you're doing, Commander." Then she left. > Staring at the now-closed door, Gendo sighed. "So do I, Miss > Katsuragi, so do I." Dan: Dialogue straight out of the last dozen Shadowrun 2nd ed. sourcebooks. > -------------------------------------- > The Children's Classroom > -------------------------------------- All: Well, That Was A Waste Of Time. > "Hello, my name is Gaurry Gabriev." Rick: [Gaurry] And I'll be your host for this evening. > Asuka leaned over to whisper to Hikari. "Who are these clowns? A > midget, a clod, a flat-chested twit..." Dan: Wow, only the second scene and we've had our first breast joke. > Hikari nodded and giggled along with the descriptions. > "... and Toji's wet dream." Rebecca: Ah, the fic beat me to it. > Hikari choked in mid-giggle and flinched so hard in mid-nod she > nearly fell out of her chair. Tsuneo: Graceful. > Unfortunately, it was hard to dispute the > evidence, as Toji's, Kensuke's and Shinji's jaws had all hit the floor > with a resounding smack. Rick: And Lisa Foster's. Dan: Hey, that can't be right. It means Shinji's got a life. > In fact, all the males in the class were in a > similar state. Those of them who were still conscious, anyway. Tsuneo: Fic's gotten to them too. > The girls in the class, save Asuka, Rei and Hikari, were similarly > agog Rebecca: Which was sort of like a Hygog. > over the tall, muscular blonde who had just introduced himself. > What was he doing here? Dan: Holding that Silver Mally firmly and not letting go. Tsuneo: Participating in a crappy crossover. > (Not, mind you, that they were complaining) He > looked old enough to be in college. Rick: Yeah, strangely enough that's what we said. Rebecca: Well, it was Hinako that put him in this class. Tsuneo: She's a Ranma character, so that's a good enough excuse. [Dan hits him with a cushion.] > "Ano..." Gaurry scratched his head. "Where should I sit?" Rebecca: [Raises hand] Ooh! Here! Rick: Uh... Rebecca? Rebecca: Just riffing. Besides, he's not my type. Dan: Really, I thought big and dumb would be perfect for you. Rebecca: Oh? So how come we always bicker then? Dan: 'Cause I'm too smart for your tastes? Rebecca: No comment. > "HERE!" fifteen shrill teenaged girl voices screamed at once. The > class erupted into cacophony. "Whaddaya mean, 'here'? He's sitting beside > ME!" "You? Why would he want to sit beside a smelly skank like you?" Tsuneo: Oh look, it's Roxanne Spalding. Dan: And for anyone who gets that... > "Yeah, naturally he will want to be near my natural grace and charm!" > "You shameless hussy!" "Bitch!" "Cow!" Rebecca: This is pretty realistic dialogue for fourteen year old girls. Dan: Right on your level, huh? [Rebecca hits him with a cushion.] Rick: The newlyweds are fighting again. Tsuneo: Who cares? > Asuka's head sank to her desk in dismay. She kept telling herself > she was part of the superior sex, Dan: Hah! > but it was getting harder to believe by the minute. Rick: Face it, Asuka, you've lost this one. > The teacher rubbed his mouth thoughtfully. "Hmm. I think there's a > spare seat beside Miss Langley-Soryuu." Silence fell and fifteen pairs of > hate-filled eyes fixed on Asuka. Tsuneo: Oh, she gets that everywhere she goes. Rick: Only fifteen? That's doing well. > In a flurry of motion, Asuka seized the neighbouring desk and hurled > it out the window. "No there isn't!" Rick: CRASH! WHACK! Owie... Dan: Watch where you hurl them next time. Rebecca: Well, it could have something to do with the fact that Lisa was sitting there. > The teacher blinked slowly. "Oh." He blinked again. Dan: That ime of the month again, Asuka? [Rebecca hits him with a cushion again.] Tsuneo: Would you mind sparing him? We may need him for later. > "Miss Langley > -Soryuu, would you please get a spare desk for Mr. Gabriev from the store > room?" Rick: Asuka looses. Again. > Asuka, dejected, wandered out of the class cursing the teachers > ancestry Rick: [Asuka] I spit upon those of you who have never committed ritual suicide in your lives. [Tsuneo hits him repeatedly with a cushion.] > and leveling a look at Gaurry that would curdle water. > Another new student wrote her name on the board, and turned to speak > to the class. "My name is Gracia Wil Edison Saillune. Rick: [Naga] Call me Bob. > However, you will > refer to me as The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the White Serpent. Dan: Yeah, you can really see the teacher calling that out. [Teacher] Asuka? Rebecca: [Asuka] Here! Dan: [Teacher] Gaurry? Rick: [Gaurry] Where? Dan: [Teacher] The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the White Serpent? Rebecca: [Naga] Here! Dan: [Teacher] The really mean John Saxon guy? Rick: [The really mean John Saxon guy] Here! Tsuneo: Okay, that was just stupid. > Oh-ho-ho-ho-hohohohohohohohoho!" Dan: [Clutching ears] At least Naga's in character. > The spine-chilling laughter echoed throughout > the school. Luckily, only the students in the classroom were transfixed > with horror. Everyone else escaped. Tsuneo: They got out of this crappy fanfic. > Lina slapped a hand to her forehead, muttering. "They weren't supposed > to know we're sorceresses, mammary-brain." > "And where will The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the White Serpent sit?" > The teacher mused. All: O_O Rebecca: You know, that guy is so out of it he probably missed all that. > All the boys looked at each other, Dan: Ooh! Here! Rebecca: Dan, not even she's dumb enough to fall for you. Dan: A guy can hope. > then threw all the spare desks in the room out the window. Rick: CRASH! WHACK! Owie... > Kensuke leered at Naga, and spoke what all were > thinking. "Well, I guess you'll just have to sit in my lap. Heh heh heh." Rebecca: Amazing, dan. He's managed to perfectly copy your style. Dan: I should sue him. > The corner of Naga's mouth twitched. > "DIEM WING!" A blast of wind arose from nowhere and hurled Kensuke > after the much-abused desks, Rick: CRASH! WHACK! Owie... Dan: Oh, he's just a minor character. No-one cares about him. > and slightly ruffled Rei's hair. She didn't notice. Tsuneo: Or care. Rebecca: [Rei] Maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away. > "Thank you for removing all doubt, Naga. They couldn't possibly figure > out we're not from their world NOW!" Dan: Except for the teacher. He's probably still waiting for class to start. > Lina ranted at 'her most fearsome rival'. > The teacher surveyed the damage, and sighed. "I guess we should break > for lunch now." Rick: Amazing. And he didn't even mention Second Impact once. > ------------------- > Outside > ------------------- > Kensuke's spiral ended in a pile of splintered wood, which broke his > fall if nothing else. Rick: Well, I was accurate at least. > As he struggled groggily to his feet, two MIBs burst > out of the kindling beside him. Dan: Nice going, Rick. Rick: Whoops! Tsuneo: Oh, gods. I'm having NXE flashbacks. They'll be about as competent as the agents in The Matrix. Rebecca: Hey, no-one's that useless. > "Kensuke Aida?" Dan: No thanks, I'm trying to give them up. > "Uh. Yeah?" Kensuke pulled his glasses of his chin and put them > where they could do some good. Rick: Face it, Kensuke, you're screwed. > "We were sent to deliver this to you." Tsuneo: [MiB, deadpan] Super supreme, thick crust. With crazy bread. > The left MIB pulled out a manila envelope. Dan: Oh look, the script has arrived. Rebecca: [reading] Ryberg Electronics... Hey! > "Um. Were you guys waiting for me under that pile of rubble?" Dan: Actually, they were trying to perch on it... Rebecca: DON'T start that again. > "I assure you, it wasn't here when we arrived." Right MIB adjusted > his tie, pulling a splinter out of it. Rick: [Kensuke] Heh, heh... Whoops, my bad. > "Soo.... You knew I'd be here?" > "Yes." Left MIB spoke. > "How?" Kensuke stood, and took the offered envelope. Tsuneo: [MiB] It's in the script. Dan: [MiB] We thought you were Keanu Reeves. > "That's what we're paid to do, sir." The two MIBs turned and began > to walk away. > "WAIT!" Kensuke challenged. "If you guys know everything, Rebecca: [Kensuke] Is Rumble- Others: NO! Rebecca: Aw... > you know what my next question is going to be!" > Left MIB nodded. "Pink with little blue bears." Then they were gone. Dan: I did wonder. > "Wow." Kensuke cast a look back to the classroom and the girls therein. > "Those guys are good." Rick: Is it Kensuke, or is it Dan? You be the judge. [Dan whacks him with a cushion.] > ----------------------------- > Lunch on the sports field > ----------------------------- > Hikari walked towards the new students, leading a small entourage. Tsuneo: looks like the lynch mob's finally arrived. > "Tell me again why I have to come along?" Toji grumped. Rebecca: Oh, look! He's grumping too! > "Because you're my boyfriend." Hikari explained. Toji, having no good > answer for that, shut up. Rebecca: And if all else fails, she can use him as a human shield. > "So then why do _I_ have to come along?" Asuka whined. > "Because we should show these new students that not all the girls in > class are insane." Rebecca: Yes, but why's she bringing Asuka and Rei along? > Hikari sped up a bit, hoping to get it over with before > anyone else asked. No such luck. > "Um..." Shinji began. Rick: Shinji, don't. Your life's not worth it. > Asuka glared at him. "Because if you don't I'll kill you." Dan: Fair enough. Rebecca: Good old Shinji, the human doormat. > Shinji plastered on a fake grin and strode along with totally transparent > enthusiasm. > Everyone looked at Rei expectantly. > "What?" Rei commented without inflection. Rebecca: [Rei] Can we get this sketch over with? I've got a conspiracy to attend. Dan: I'm surprised Rei hasn't tried to get out of this. Tsuneo: [Rei] Excuse me. I have to return to Nerv for more unnecessary experiments. > Standing around two drink machines were the new students. Rick: I guess this is where the product placement goes. > They > appeared to be trying to figure out what the devices were, Dan: If they put their collective minds together... They could be here for ages. > or at least > how they worked. Lina and company looked hungry and thirsty. Rebecca: Ah, stuff that. Just get Gaurry to hack it open. > Hikari strode up to Lina, as she appeared the most sensible. "Hello, > my name is Hikari Horaki. I'm the class president, Tsuneo: [Hikari] And I am not a crook. Rick: [Hikari] I did not inhale. Rebecca: [Hikari] Read my lips. > and I'm pleased to meet you. These are my friends Dan: If you can call them that. > Toji, Shinji and Asuka... oh, and that's Rei. How are you?" Tsuneo: [Rei] I get no respect. > "Um. Um. Yeah. Hi. I'm Lina, this is Amelia..." Tsuneo: Scourge of the universe. Rick: And your magical girl on drugs. Rebecca: Note the apprehension with which she says it. > "Hi hi!" Amelia beamed, hopping up to see over Lina's shoulder, and > waving. Dan: Whatever she's on, I want some. > Lina continued: "...and Gaurry. And you've already met Naga, the > Great White Hype." Tsuneo: And also scourge of the universe. Rick: And Rick Berman's wet dream. Rebecca: Now appearing in a Voyager episode near you. > "SERPENT!" > "...Snake in the grass." Lina muttered under her breath. > Hikari blinked, recovered her bearings, and forged ahead. Rick: Hikari Horaki, wilderness ranger. > "Well. Welcome. I hope we can be friends. Tsuneo: Trust me, you don't want to. Dan: I think Hikari's on the same stuff as Amelia. > We don't often get new students here, Rebecca: [Hikari] At least ones that don't run away in terror. > what with the frequent catastrophes and everything." Tsuneo: [Hikari] But you get used to Asuka after a while. > Lina started at that comment. "Oh yeah. Speaking of which, what the > heck is with those weird giants we saw sinking into the" Lina's > stomach took that moment to make its needs known. "A-heh. Sorry about > that. It's uh, been a while since breakfast, Dan: Poor Lina. She hasn't eaten in over five minutes. Rick: She and EVA-01 would get along well. > and we can't seem to get > these contraptions to give us any." Lina pointed at the vending machines. > With a flicker of motion, Shinji's vendor card was in Asuka's hand. > Shinji blinked. "Hey, th-" Shinji's complaint was cut off by a > threatening look from the violent red head. (No, Asuka) Rick: Nuts, he beat us to it again. > "If you don't have lunches, we'll be happy to get you something > for today." Asuka offered, generously (with Shinji's card). Rick: How kind and generous of her. Tsuneo: And perfectly in character. > "These > machines only offer drinks, though. That one," she said, pointing to > the left "dispenses juice and cold coffee. Rebecca: Is it a vending machine or a McDonald's? You be the judge. > This one," pointing and > frowning at the right one. "offers 'Mr. Pibb'." Everyone (except the > Slayers cast) shuddered. Even Rei. Tsuneo: That *is* scary. > Hikari smiled. "Don't worry, though. You can have part of our > lunches." Dan: For "part" read "all." Rick: Hey, this is Hikari. She makes six course banquets each day. Dan: So? > She failed to notice Toji making wild, 'no, denied, nein, > never' motions with his arms. Rebecca: Sorry, Toji. You loose. > "Well, gee. That's awful nic- LINA SAVE SOME FOR ME!" Gaurry cut > off his thanks to try and interpose himself between the sorceress and > Hikari's rapidly emptying bento. Tsuneo: Do you want to go for something easier like, say, teaching Amelia to think? > She held him off with occasional jabs > and pinches from the chopsticks. Rick: [Daffy Duck] Ho! Ha-ha! Thrust! Parry! Dodge! Guard! Turn! Thrust! Parry! Spin! Ho! Ha-ha! Dan: Thwack. [He hits Rick with a cushion.] > Taking Shinji's vendor card from a stupefied Asuka, Naga walked up > to Toji, and ran the card seductively up and down his chest and cheek. > "I would REALLY like to know how to use this to get a REAL drink, Toji-Kun. > Can you help me?" Rebecca: No, because right now he's a bubbling puddle on the ground. Dan: Or at least he will be, once Hikari gets through with him. Tsuneo: hey, will ya look at that! Naga said a line in this fanfic that wasn't a breast joke or a bitchy whine. Rick: Amazing. Tsuneo: That's how you can tell she's out of character. > As Toji stammered and twitched, Hikari became livid with rage. > Abandoning her bento to the vultures, she stomped over to 'remind' her > would-be boyfriend of his place in the world. Rebecca: Bye, Toji. Nice knowing you. > Amelia, abashed at the behavior of her companions, came forward > and bowed before Shinji and Rei. "I'm so sorry. They're not usually like > this. All: Yes they are! > Okay, they are, but that's still no excuse. Dan: Well... damn, he did it again! > Anyway, I'm deeply sorry > and apologize profusely. It's terrible that we've even stunned your > friend here speechless." > Shinji, confused, looked around to try and figure out who Amelia was > talking about. "What, Rei? Oh, no, she's always like that." Tsuneo: Well, I suppose we should be thankful that *someone's* IC. > Amelia's brow furrowed. Rick: And planted crops. > "What?" She turned to Rei. "Is this true?" > "Yes." replied the First Child. Dan: She gets all the good lines. > Meanwhile, Shinji's mind was locking up. "She apologized to me. To me. > I was apologized to. To me she apologized. She apologized to..." [Everyone except Tsuneo breaks up laughing. Tsuneo fumes, then whacks everyone with cushions.] > "You don't feel happy or excited or perky or anything?" Amelia asked, > shocked. > "No." Rei replied Rick: Irresistable cheeriness meets immovable deadpan. > Amelia stared at her with disbelief plain on her face. Tsuneo: You can hear the hamster squeaking back there. > "Why in the name of righteousness not?!" > Rei shrugged, not feeling any other response was necessary. Dan: Once again, Rei gets all the killer lines. Tsuneo: [Rei] If I make myself inconspicuous, maybe no-one will need me for the next chapter. > Inside Amelia's mind, gears were turning. Rebecca: And grinding. > "How, how sad. Tsuneo: Yes this is, isn't it? > Yes, sad > and... and UNJUST. How terrible that this girl must suffer through a life > devoid of fun and... and ZEST FOR LIFE! Rebecca: Well that's what happens when you work retail. Rick: Or in comics. > I must, nay, WILL make it my > personal quest to bring Joy into the life of this poor, maligned young > woman! Dan: Whether she wants it or not. > This I swear!" Rebecca: This would probably be a good moment for a tumbleweed to go past. > "What do you swear?" Rei asked. Rick: Low level corse language. > Amelia blinked, and realized she'd said at least part of that out loud. > "Umm... it doesn't matter. A-heh." Amelia dashed off to see what ANYONE > ELSE was up to. Tsuneo: Thus removing her from the current scene! Woo-hoo! Rebecca: Ah... Are you okay, wonder boy? Tsuneo: Amelia just left. Why shouldn't I be happy? > Toji, mind fogged with hormones, reached out randomly with the vendor > card. As Toji was getting pounded for almost using Asuka's cleavage as a > scanning slot, Rick: Now there's a quick way to loose your breathing privileges. Rebecca: [Asuka] Foolish mortal! You dare invade the great Asuka's personal body space? WA-TAK! > Shinji deftly switched his card for Asuka's, and mouthed a > silent prayer to anyone who'd listen that she never found out. (Ia ia, > Cthulu!) > After making sure Asuka wasn't around, Toji tried again. Sadly, he > didn't watch what he was doing this time, either. Zip, click, thud. Rebecca [Hikari]: Toji! Put your pants back on! > "Oh MAN, I just bought a Pibb!" > Naga picked up the can and looked at it. "Hm? What's wrong with this?" Tsuneo: It's a crappy, unfunny, pointless EVA/Slayers crossover fanfic. > Toji jammed his hands in his pockets and looked annoyed. "Aww, we gotta > have those machines around because 'Mr. Pibb' is the official beverage-like > product of the Human Instrumentality Project, Rick: Man, those guys are evil. Rebecca: When product placement ges too far. > but nobody can actually stand to drink the stuff." > Curious, Naga opened the can and took a sniff. Smelled... odd. > She tried a sip. Dan: This should be fun. Rick: Tastes like chicken. > Naga was no longer curious. She was also no longer > hungry; as to being conscious, that was in dispute. Rick: And this is any different to normal because? > "Gyaah! Who in > their right mind would even call this a drink?!" Tsuneo: The Coca-Cola corporation? Dan: Amelia? Rebecca: Like she said, who in their right mind... > Naga pushed the can > into the first available hands. Gaurry stared at it. Then he tried it. > He blinked. Then, shrugging, he polished it off. Rick: How did he do that? Rebecca: His reaction in about, ooh five seconds or so should be fun. > Everyone stared at > him. Even Rei (of course, that comprised her normal facial expression, > so no one noticed.) Dan: [Kid] Help, help, mummy, she's scaring me! > "I don't believe it." Hikari marveled. "How can you drink that > stuff?" Rick: By putting it in his mouth and swallowing. > "It wasn't that bad." Gaurry mused. "Actually, it was kind of..." Rebecca: [Gaurry] Toxic. > "ALRIGHT, WOO-HOO!!!!" Boomed a voice, vaguely recognizable as > Kensuke's, from the other side of the school. Such was the volume that > bits of broken desk tumbled in their direction. The bits were closely > followed by Kensuke himself, Tsuneo: *Tumbling* in their direction? > grinning wide enough to split his face and > leaping in great joy-filled bounds. Dan: Doing a meticulous impression of Amelia. > He skidded to a halt in front of > the group. His glasses had fogged over, Rick: Wow, the humidity in there must be a killer. > revealing nothing and only reflecting Rick: Our horror at this whole situation. > their stunned faces. A blue glow began to form around his body. All: Ooohhh... Rick: [Kensuke] Damn B.O flares up every time... > A yellow sheet of paper was clenched in one sweaty little hand; > a NERV I.D. card clutched in the other. All: AAH! Dan: What kind of a maniac would do that? Rick: Gendo Ikari. > "THEY CALLED ME UP! THEY'RE GIVING ME MECHA!!! Rick: The world is doomed! Doomed! > BWA-HA-HA-AAAA-HAAAA!!!!!" Rebecca: And Naga hit him with a lawsuit. > Asuka, Rei, Shinji and Toji stumbled backwards in sheer terror, aghast > at this terrible, terrible news. Tsuneo: [Rei] Wow, I'm being as emotional as in Neon Exodus. Rick: Come on, this is enough to terrify even Rei. > Lina and company didn't know the > details, but could instinctively tell this was a BAD THING; Tsuneo: With MORE POINTLESS CAPITALS. > the laugh that out-intimidated Naga was a good clue. Rick: That is scary. > -------------------------------------- > Back at the Bat Cave > -------------------------------------- All: Stately Wayne manor. > Many have wondered at the boundless eternity that exists beyond our > atmosphere. Few have had the privilege to slip outside of the envelope > to witness the true majesty of it all. Dan: Weed helps. > Yet, for some, the worlds beyond > these realms have always been accessible either through birth, or ability, > or extreme plot contrivance. Tsuneo: Funny this fic talking about plot contrivances. > The council we now zoom in on contained a small smattering of columns > A and B, and a whole lotta column C. Tsuneo: My point. > They were seated at a large wooden > table located deep within an antechamber somewhere beneath the surface of > the moon. Dan: Re-using the "Bounty Dog" set. Rick: Oh look, it's lord Darkon. > Only two sources of light existed in the room: a lamp upon the > desk at which the council sat and Rebecca: A glow in the dark happy meal toy. > a doorway which only parted to accept the next Angel candidate. Dan: Angel 31, come on down! You're the next contestant on "Cruel Lina's Thesis!" > Great Cthulu spoke aloud to the darkness. Rick: [Cthulu] What the hell am I doing here? > "Now serving angel 31.". Rebecca: and, yes, it looks like Jerry Springer! Rick: Bonus points for anyone who gets that. > The door opened. Silhouetted in it's frame floated a multi-tentacled > monstrosity which could simply fall under the description of a large > purple prune with an eye at the end of each writhing appendage. Dan: Aack! Coming of Munihousen flashback... won't go away! > "I'm sorry son, but the Overfiend auditions are next door." Cthu > added. Rebecca: Well called, Dan. Rick: You should be in that queue, Dan. Dan: Har, har, very funny. > The beast hovered towards the desk. "Really?!... I mean, NO. I seek > to destroy humanity by reuniting with Adam, er Lilith,.... aw whoever > they have pinned to that cross in the Geofront.". Tsuneo: Admit it, you haven't a clue. Rebecca: No, Fate of the Children got to him too. > "Jesus..." Cthu sighed in dismay. > "No. Not him. He's not my siz...." Rebecca: Har, har. > "Never mind!", barked Cthulu. Rick: Woof! Woof! Dan: Bad Cthulu, bad! Look what you did to the carpet! Naughty mythos! > The great demon turned to one of the other > beings seated at the desk. "Sachiel, take this fool's name." > "Sachiel? Weren't you destroyed in the first two episodes?" muttered > the applicant entity. Tsuneo: Yeah, that's what we thought. Rick: Hey, just wait for the lame-assed explanation. Dan: Poor Sachiel. The most picked-on angel in all of fanfiction. > "No." he replied while pulling out an angel-sized clipboard and a > pencil that must have previously been a redwood. "That was my stunt double. > Name?" Rick: Told you. > "I, am Prince." Dan: Actually, I can see the resemblance. > "Nani?" Cthulu looked at Sachiel to confirm that he had heard what he > thought he'd just heard. Tsuneo: Yes, of course. It's an unimaginable horror from an ancient, lost civilization created in English literature so naturally, when startled, it speaks fanboy Japanese. > His inquiry was substantiated by the large sweat > drop (good enough to fill a couple of swimming pools) on the angel's head. Rick: Well, there you go, folks. Angels do the huge norkin' sweatdrop thing too. Tsuneo: And it still doesn't work in text. > "No. That will never do. You must have a new name." > "May I be known as the Angel formerly know as P..." Rebecca: Goldust! Goldust! Dan: Yeah, I can see some resemblance to him, too. > "NO!... pah these non-union angels are useless. Rick: On the other hand, they don't go on strike all the time. > Professor Frink, > where are you? Professor?....." Cthulu turned to see the esteemed > scientist fiddling with the dials and punch cards on his Frinkotron > 4000 All: TM. > computer muttering, "Damn these slow download times. Why that > half-wit thought that 640K was enough Tsuneo: This Microsoft bashing moment brought to you by the US supreme court. > *grm* I'd show him a *whoosh* > and a *pow* with the wah-hey, wah-ho, wah". Rebecca: The part of Dr. Frink will be played by Warpath. Thank you. > "FRINK!" yelled Cthulu. > "Wha? Oh. Yes great Cthulu?" Rick: Is it Cthulu, or is it doctor Forrester? You be the judge. > "Consult your thinking machine to determine a name for this next > angel. Choose a name that will inspire fear into the hearts of the > mortals below. A name for which the stars will favour his destiny. Dan: "Pinky," for example, is right out. > Most importantly, a name ending in -el- ." Tsuneo: Like Sandalphon or Tabris? Rebecca: Nitpicker. > "Why yes mighty one. I'll just feed the vital stats into the > computer. Then I re-adjust the interocitor to..." Rick: [Cthulu] Did you insert the intensifier disk? Dan: [Frink] Yes. Rick: [Cthulu] Turn the control wheel eighteen degrees to the left? Dan: [Frink] Did that. Rick: [Cthulu] Are you in Europe? Do you need an adaptor? Dan: [Frink] No! > and off rambling he > went as the larger beings turned back to the business at hand. > Sachiel explained to the new recruit, "You see, due to budget > cutbacks, we really have to determine if you have what it takes to be an > angel." Rick: Have you at any time had an overwhelming urge to stomp Tokyo? Dan: Do you have an affection for kids in tight shorts? > The Frinkotron 4000 began to smoke. Rebecca: 640K wasn't enough for him, I guess. Tsuneo: See what happens when you buy computer parts out of the back of a truck in Hong Kong? > "Now tell me, what special quality do YOU think YOU can bring to the > brotherhood of angels..." Rick: Merchandising! > "Well," replied the applicant, "I work cheap." Rick: That's a pretty good one too. > Sachiel and Cthulu exchanged sad looks. Tsuneo: [Deadpan] I would *love* to see that. > This is what the mighty angel empire had been reduced to. "You're hired." > The Frinkotron 4000 was alight with flames. Rick: Windows 98 does that. Dan: Have we bashed Microsoft enough yet? Rick: Is there any way to bash Microsoft enough? > "Frink. What is the name that your computer produced for our > lovely contestant?" Dan: Lovely contestant? I'd hate to see the ones who didn't make it on the show. Rick: Well, this *is* Cthulu we're talking about here. > The Professor was madly scrambling to pull the punch card out of > the rapidly combusting computer. Rebecca: Let's see the helpdesk deal with *that.* > With a firm *yank* he freed a piece of > the card before the entire machine was reduced to ash. Rick: That's one *hell* of a non-bootable disk error. Rebecca: At least it's not the Pink Screen of Doom. > "FRINK!" Dan: And remember: Cthulu saves. He might get hungry later. > Quickly glaring at the slip in front of him, he was flabbergasted to > find that the ink on the card was horribly smudged. Rick: Hey, it looks like my payslip. > The only information > that was legible included: likes taking long walks on the beach, turn ons > include Barry White music and fireplaces.. Rebecca: Evil! EVIL! Rick: That *is* my payslip. Dan: Barry White? > "Oh, WHAT the HELL is going on here?" Frink screeched in dismay. > "So be it." declared Cthulu. "From this day forth you shall be known > as Ahuatdahell." All: Ha. Ha. Ha. > The only entity in this room who was NOT sweatdropping at that moment > was Cthulu. Tsuneo: [Cthulu] Ah, stuff this, I'l just nip off and consume some lower planes. > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > We now return to our regularly scheduled crossover. > ------------------------------------------------------------------- Tsuneo: Let's not and say we didn't. > "No... no, it can't be! Not YOU!" muttered Asuka. Rick: [Asuka] Bill Clinton! And he's got a cigar! Dan: I thought we weren't going to go there. Rick: Hey, at least I didn't say the GRS with a cucumber. Dan: ... > "Yup. Read it and WEEP supergirl." Dangling his pass card in front of her > nose he firmly pronounced, "I, Kensuke Aida, am a licensed EVANGELION PILOT!" > "..WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!..." Asuka fumed. Rick: Yup, that's right. He said that you go around in a stupid miniskirt and get killed off every couple of years. > "Yup. Now I get do all the cool things that you guys do: fire big weapons, > train for sync ratios, pilot Eva's, Rick: Have your own exclusive set oif mental disorders. Rebecca: Go psychotic in the middle of battle. Dan: Be consumed by your own mecha every now and then. Tsuneo: And get squeezed out by the next SI to show up. > be part of those intimate 'training > sessions' that you, Shinji and Rei have in the locker room." said leering in > the second child's direction. Rebecca: See ya, Kensuke. I'd say it was nice knowing you but, hey, it wasn't. > "Shin-JII!!!!", murder was in Asuka's eyes. Rick: Ow, my ears... > Reflexively ducking behind Toji, Dan: The nearest impenetrable object. Tsuneo: Except that Naga's in this scene. > Shinji readied another apology for Asuka, Rebecca: It's his standard policy. When in doubt- Tsuneo: [Hits Rebecca with a cushion] Hit Rebecca. Rick: Ah, just get a room, you two. [Rebecca and Tsuneo both hail him with cushions.] > "I'm sor... Hey? Wait a sec. Aida! I never said anything like that to you." Dan: [Shinji] Although about now, I wish I had. > "I know. I just wanted to see if Asuka ever thought of something like that. Rick: Say, do you have a death wish or something? > From the way she's reacting I'd say she's considered it a couple of times." Dan: Now there's an image I *really* needed. Tsuneo: And I'd say it makes her more OOC than she's been in a very long time. > Everyone looked at Asuka who's face seemed to be running the gamut between rage > and embarrassment over the possibility of the aforementioned sessions. Her > expression eventually settled on an embarrassed, yet dumbfounded look. Rebecca: [Asuka] Urge to kill... rising... > "Besides," Aida added, "I have to get used to it. Toji says that being an > EVA jockey makes you an instant babe magnet. Dan: And face it, Kensuke, you need all the help you can get. [Rick, Rebecca and Tsuneo break up laughing.] > That's how you got Hikari, right Susahara?" Rebecca: Subtlety is not him. Rick: Say, is Kensuke always this much of a dickweed? Tsuneo: Of course not. This is Cruel Lina's Thesis, remember? No-one's acting properly. Rick: Except Amelia. Tsuneo: Very true. > It was now Toji's turn to come under scrutiny from Hikari; he was not > faring particularly well underneath it. Rick: [Hikari] This driver's licensee looks like a forgery! > "Um,.... er,... yeah,... well...". Dan: Take the fifth! > "Well! IF MR. Susahara wishes to speak with me, Rebecca: [Hikari] He can talk to my lawyer. > I'll be having lunch elsewhere. Come on Asuka." Rick: [Hikari] Heel! Good Asuka. > Hikari turned to walk away, dragging the dumbfounded > Asuka along side. After a few steps, she stopped and turned to the new > students, bowing curtly. "It was a pleasure meeting you all. Tsuneo: She doesn't know them very well, does she? > I hope you'll > forgive me for having to leave so soon. I'll see you later in class." > So now, a hyper active Kensuke, Rick: Roughly equivalent of a sedated Jamie Jeans. > along with Shinji, Toji and Rei stood > with the Slayers cast in an awkward moment of silence. Dan: Just waiting for the next breast joke to happen. Tsuneo: Naga. There you go. > Lina and friends were > still baffled by the exchange that had taken place in front of them a moment > ago. In an odd burst of extroversion, Shinji spoke. "Well, uh, I guess we > should sit down and have lunch." Rebecca: You can tell he inherited all his father's natural command ability. Tsuneo: You know, I'm just trying to figure out why I should hurt you for that one. > With that, the group shuffled off to a > nearby bench and began to pick at their lunches. Rick: Undercooked. Needs salt. > After ravaging Hiraki's bento box, Dan: Pillaging would be more like it. > Lina began to probe Shinji and company > with questions. "So, what's this E-van-gelion thing?" Rebecca: Bandai's marketing wet dream. > Shinji, "Oh, it's nothing." Rick: [Shinji] Just my own private hell. > Kensuke, "Are you kidding?! Evangelion is the greatest invention of mankind! Dan: Along with Mr. Socko! > It's these really big robots with extension cords which run around and blow up > evil Angels. Rick: I love that summary. I wish I could frame it. Tsuneo: Along with "spastic pinball on speed," I suppose. > I mean, jeez, where're you from that you hadn't heard of Eva's?" Rebecca: Yuo don't want to know. Really, you don't want to know. Tsuneo: Australian commercial television? > "Oh," Amelia began "you see, we're not really from around here. Tsuneo: You never would have guessed. > We were casting a transportation spell and it went wrong. Rick: [Yawning] Transport malfunction. stock Star Trek plot number three. > We think we're actually not > from this woGYAH!" Amelia's exposition was cut short by a flying elbow drop > from Lina. Rebecca: It's the Sorceress' Elbow! > "Um, ignore her. The last, uh, Angel attack traumatized her, and she's > been making up fantasies to hide from the horror. Rick: You know, that's actually a passable excuse. Tsuneo: So what's it doing in this fic? > Yeah..." Lina grinned in what she hoped was a convincing manner. Rebecca: Well, given that it was Kensuke she was trying to convince... > However, since everyone who would have > cared was distracted (Toji trying to mend bridges, Kensuke dreaming of blowing > them up, Rick: I like this guy. > and Hikari and Asuka elsewhere), Rebecca: IfyaknowwhatImean. > Lina needn't have worried. The only > event the outburst triggered was Gaurry taking the opportunity to finish the > bento. > This, of course, initiated World Food War III as Lina and Gaurry attempted > to outflank each other for the last sausage octopus. Tsuneo: Insert your favourite stock Slayers footage here. Rebecca: Face it, their food fights just don't work in text. > Shinji, now totally fed > up with his surroundings (again) put on his headphones and withdrew from the > world. Dan: Okay, hands up who here can blame him? [Dead silence] Dan: Thought so. > Rei attempted to eat her lunch in peace, but Amelia would have none of it. > "So I hear your name is Rei that's a very nice name my name is Amelia I'm > a princess and a champion of Justice I hear you use those giants to protect the > city are they anything like Golems are you a champion of Justice too..." Rick: Without even taking a breath. Dan: Amelia's brain has gone onto cruise control again. > Rei continued to eat, thinking quietly to herself. "What is wrong with > this person? Rebecca: Where do you want us to start? Tsuneo: She's stuck in a crappy fanfic. > Is this an Angel tactic? Rick: Well, it's incomprehensible enough. Dan: They get more insidious every day. > How exactly does she fit into the great > plan? I will have to tell Commander Ikari about this. I wonder who does her > hair?" Tsuneo: [Rei] So I can shoot him. Dan: Wow. Rei's found someone with a worse hairdo than her own. > ----------------- > Back in class... > ----------------- Rick: Talking about the second impact. Tsuneo: Oh, come on. Don't just assume that everyone's always going to act in the same cliched patterns. > "...first year of the 21st century, a large meteor collided with Antarctica... > melting the icecap and raising the sea level sixty meters..." Rick: See? Tsuneo: Of course. I forgot which fic this was. Dan: It's not like he ever talks about anything else? [Tsuneo glares at him.] Rebecca: [Gaurry] I forget, was that before or after Napoleon discovered America and invented the banana? > Asuka pulled at her hair. "Doesn't he ever say ANYTHING else? We've been > fighting angels for over forty episodes now and we haven't even SEEN a math > textbook." Dan: No, you see they just recorded his dialogue in the third episode and have re-used it since. > Kensuke grinned. "Hey, at least this way even I can ace the tests." Rick: Gee, what are they gonna ask about? Second Impact, Second Impact and, gee what a surprise, Second Impact. Rebecca: Okay guys, we should stop on this line about now. I think Tsuneo's about to implode. > Naga leaned over to Lina, Tsuneo: And promptly keeled over due to the imbalance. > whispering. "He said it was after the 21st > century. What century was it before we left?" Rick: Century of the Fruitbat! Rebecca: And congratulations to anyone who gets that. > Lina rubbed her temples, Dan: Of Nod. > wishing the headache (and, hopefully, it's causes) would simply vanish. Tsuneo: Me too. > "It doesn't matter Naga. This isn't our world > anyway, the calendars don't match at all." > Rei watched the teacher expressionlessly, All: Duh. > but her mind was elsewhere. Rick: On a nice trip to Tahiti. Tsuneo: [Rei] Let's see... In my break I've got another crossover to do, then I'm on set of Neon Exodus after lunch... Rick: [Rei] Fox Mulder & Lara Croft... Ugh! > Specifically, she was thinking about the hyperkinetic brunette sitting to > her left, who had been trying to strike up a conversation with her since > lunch. All: Only Amelia. > "She's been talking for an hour now. Non-stop. I don't even think > she inhaled. Rebecca: Just like Bill Clinton. > What stamina." > Shinji stared out the window, whispering to himself. "This seems so > peaceful. Like an ordinary day, at an ordinary school, being attended by > ordinary people. Rick: Ordinary people, however, are in distressingly short supply around here. > Yet, it feels ominous somehow. Nothing has happened for > hours now. It's almost like we're... waiting for something." Tsuneo: Perfect. Here we have a perfect example of what's wrong with this fic. In any other fic, that would be a bad set-up, but here's it's meant to be a corny parody. Problem is, it feels over-done and very forced. Thank you. > At that precise moment, klaxons began to blare all around the city. Dan: [Robot from Lost In Space] Warning! Warning! Danger! Aliens approaching! > Kensuke shot out of his chair like a rocket. "Angel attack! Last one to > headquarters has to clean out the entry plugs!" The gleeful new pilot shot > out of the room in a blink. Rick: Ie: A cute lavender mutant. > The other pilots stared after him, their mouths > working silently. Finally, Toji spoke. > "I've got a BAAAD feeling about this." Dan: [Magical critter] Hey! Watch it with the Star Wars refs, okay? > As all five EVA pilots rushed to their posts, the rest of the class made > for the shelters. Sadly, Lina et al having NO idea what was going on, Rebecca: They're not the only ones. > stopped > to use the restrooms and emerged to find no one around, and no guides to the > shelters. Tsuneo: [Bored] How convenient. > "Well this is just great. Where is everybody?", a grouchy Lina stomped > around, looking into empty classrooms. "If you hadn't taken so long, Naga, > we might not have missed them." > "Well I'm sorry, Lina." Naga spoke haughtily. "These uniforms take more > getting out of than my normal clothes." Tsuneo: Umm... I really, *really* don't want to know, do I? Rick: I don't think I could say anything that wasn't in the fic there. Rebecca: And these count as "normal" because? > "Only you would call those clothes normal." Lina muttered. Amelia blushed, > reminded of her earlier assumptions about native 'normal clothes'. Tsuneo: Akkk... Baad... flashback... can't shake mental image... > "So what do we do now?" Gaurry asked, closing Asuka's schoolbag (left > behind in her haste), having failed to find either a Mr. Pibb All: TM. > or the card that makes the drink machine dispense them. Rick: Just use the Sword of Light. No-one'll care if you break it open. > What he did happen to find in > their he made a brief inventory of for no reason: mirror with powder, pen, > coins, small piece of cloth wrapped in cloth, All: Huh? > katana, assault rifle, Jimmy Hoffa.... Rebecca: So *that's* where he got to. > Amelia jumped up and down, "Why are you all rushing to the shelters? > Didn't you hear? A horrible, evil, wicked monster is attacking the city! All: Barbara Streisand! > It is our duty as Defenders of Righteousness and Goodness to aid in the > defense of these people! Chaaaarge!" *THWACK!* "Ow." [They all applaud.] > After picking herself > up off the ground, Amelia then OPENED the door, and charged out. Dan: Come on, not even Amelia's that dumb. [Pause] Most days. > Gaurry, > shrugging at the hopelessness of it all, followed her. Having no better > recourse, Lina and Naga followed. Tsuneo: Personally, I thought running away would be a better idea. > ------------------------------- > NERV HQ, the Really Big Room > ------------------------------- Rick: So that's what they call it. > "It... it's... it's like a dream. It's so beautiful." Dan: [Ultra Magnus] Pass me the bomb. > Kensuke stared > with reverential awe, hands clasped and rivers of tears streaming down his > cheeks, at Eva-05. Rick: It's Mr. Socko! [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion.] Tsuneo: Whatever. But if the inane Jo is there, I'm suing. > Styled like Unit 00, it was painted brown and khaki; > almost a camouflage pattern. Dan: Why? Rebecca: Where in hell is it meant to hide? > "Um. Yeah. But what's with tha colours?" Toji scratched his head. > "I mean, a camo Eva? What, is it supposed to HIDE somewhere? Maybe a Redwood > forest?" He snickered at his own humour, no one else did. Rebecca: Gah! They did it again! > At that moment, everyone shared a daydream of Eva-05, standing up to > it's knees in a forest, holding a lone spruce in front of its face, as an > oblivious Angel strode past. They shook their heads, trying to dislodge the > inane image. Tsuneo: Why bother? It's probably about to happen. > Misato Katsuragi walked into the room. "Quit chattering, we're on a > time limit. Toji, your Eva's repaired, All: Huh? Rebecca: They probably used a plot contrivance on it. Rick: Or dumped it in a CR chamber. Dan: Never mind that, how about fixing Toji? Rebecca: Ah, who gives a rat's about Toji? > but it hasn't been fully tested yet, Rebecca: [Misato] So if it goes berserk and starts ripping the other EVAs apart and all that, well, sorry in advance. > so you'll be rear guard with Kensuke here. Watch him, uh, his > back, as he's new at this." Misato turned to the most experienced pilots. > "Asuka, you seem to be in a mood. All: Don't go there. Rick: No she ain't, she's in her Zone! > Why don't you take point. Shinji and Rei can guard your flanks." > Asuka sing-songed, "I get another ki-il, I get another ki-il." > Shinji as an aside to Rei, spoke, "Do her violent tendencies ever > worry you?" Dan: Every day. > "Yes. Terribly.", Rei replied. Dan: They did it again! It's like The Evil Guy From Another Dimension. > The pilots suited up, not without some violence to prevent 'peeking', > and boarded their respective machines. Kensuke rubbed the console in front > of him lovingly. Tsuneo: This is a detail I really don't need. > "It even has new-car smell." Rick: Oh yeah? Wait 'till you see the payments. > Toji stared at Kensuke through a vid window, "Know many new cars filled > with blood?", Rick: Depends on how stodgy the dealer is. > Kensuke opted to ignore him. > Rei opened a window to talk to Asuka, Rick: And let the cat in. > "Asuka? Do you ever feel, I don't know, not so-" Tsuneo: Since when did Rei turn evil? > "SHUT UP! We agreed never to mention that commercial again!", Dan: We didn't need that either. > Asuka's > face was as red as Unit-02. The boys snickered. Rei almost smiled. Almost. Rebecca: You kidding? For Rei, that's a major expression. > "Right, save that fire for the battle. Prepare for launch!", Misato > commanded both the pilots and the support crew in the control center. > Hyuuga, hurrying to comply, accidentally elbowed his Mr. Pibb, All: TM. > which spilled on the console. "Uh-oh." Rick: That's the second last thing you want to hear in any critical operation. Dan: And the last? Rick: "Oh sh-" > "Is there a problem Hyuuga?", Misato asked, still watching the pilots. Tsuneo: [Hyuga] Yeah, I'm stuck in a crappy crossover. > "Uh, I just remembered I forgot to... uh... return a video to > Barkbluster.", Hyuuga covered hastily. Rick: Marvellous save. Brilliant. Who were you trying to fool with that? Rebecca: Misato. Rick: That's okay, then. > "Well worry about your own problems when the fate of mankind isn't in > imminent danger. Launch Evas!" Dan: Cue the BGM! Crank up that stock footage! Prepare for another inane battle! Tsuneo: Hit Dan! [He hits Dan with a cushion.] > Hyuuga typed in the launch codes. Dan: IDKFA. Tsuneo: FUNDS. Rebecca: ENOLAGAY. Rick: OMGTKKYB. > *Spark.* *Fizz*. *Sizzle.* "Compliance." > The Eva's rocketed up the launch elevators with their typical speed. > Accuracy, however... Tsuneo: [Bored] I love the way this captures the magnificence of the EVAs proceeding into battle. > "What th-! Commander!", Aoba scanned his readouts with disbelief. > "Something has gone wrong with the launch system. The access port > assignments have been scrambled. I don't know where they're going to > come out!" Rebecca: [Misato] Admit it, you goofed didn't you? Rick: [Aobo] Time for that number one? > "Damn! The Angels are one jump ahead of us again!", Misato smacked > a fist into her palm. Hyuuga quietly stashed the spilled Mr. Pibb All: [Bored] TM. Dan: [Ominous] When product placement gets really lame. Rebecca: What, "Tomorrow Never Dies?" Rick: You mean "The Matrix?" Dan: Well, lamer. > can under Aoba's console. Rick: When in doubt blame someone else. > --------------------- > Outside, Tokyo-3 > --------------------- Rick: Daytime. Rebecca: Wednesday. Dan: Sorry we can't be more specific. > Asuka popped up behind a support building, "Unit 02, ready." > Rei came up behind an apartment complex, "Unit 00, ready. Commander, > the city hasn't retracted properly." > Misato switched camera views Tsuneo: First one to say "external cameras" dies. > to see for herself. It was true. "What the heck? Rick: Quick! Everyone shift the blame! > Maya, find out what the problem with the city is and FIX IT!" > Maya began typing furiously, thinking to herself, "Wow, I never > noticed before but Misato is kind of... cool when she takes charge." Tsuneo: Let's not go there. Rebecca: Oh, has Misato inverted her aura of smooth as well? > Toji and Kensuke's units surfaced simultaneously, next to each > other. They began looking for weapon buildings. Toji was supplied > with Rick: A banana cream pie. Dan: Those budget cutbacks are *really* hurting Nerv. > an assault rifle. Kensuke approached a structure the size of the > Chrysler building. Rebecca: I think Gendo has a few *issues* that Ritusko's *noticed* by now. Rick: Epsilon Tower! > When the door opened, Unit 05 went weak in the knees. Kensuke's eyes shone. Dan: The medication kicked in. > "Ack!", Misato yelled. "Kensuke's got the experimental heavy > autocannon! Kensuke! You can't use that! It's supposed to be used by > three Eva's acting in concert!" Tsuneo: [Kensuke] Watch me. > "Sure I can Commander, I have the strength of madness!" Rick: Well, no arguments there. > And true to his word, Eva-05 lifted the mighty piece of ordinance Dan: O_o Rick: I think Gendo isn't the only one with issues. > like a toy. > The titan turned to face the camera (yes, he did), and posed. Tsuneo: And the fourth wall fell to pieces. Dan: Posing up a storm! > The sun > glinted off the weapon. "All right people. Let's ROCK! MEGA CANNON > ATTACK!" Rick: [Kensuke] Eat hot lead, enigmatic alien visitor! BWAHAHAHA! > Kensuke opened up, loosing shell casings the size of Yugo's > into the streets of the city beneath while laying waste to the landscape > in front of him. Rick: Yeah, that's very nice, but is he actually shooting at anything? Rebecca: Details, details! We've got firepower, we've got carnage and we've got destruction. Objectives are optional. > Toji's Eva tapped Kensuke's on the shoulder. "Hey man? The Angel's > thataway." Toji pointed behind Kensuke. Dan: [Kensuke] Uh, yeah. I knew that! Just testing... > "Right. I knew that." Dan: Again? > Misato hung her head, "What else could go wrong." Rick: And that's the thing you third least want to hear during a critical operation. Tsuneo: Any reason? Rick: becasue something promptly does. > "Hey, Misato?", Hyuuga tried to keep a quaver out of his voice. > "What NOW Hyuuga." > "You know... the restraints that hold the Eva's to the launch > gantries?..." Rick: Told you. > *FWING!* Unit-01 shot straight up into the air (the restraints no > longer living up to their namesakes) to the limits of its power cable. Tsuneo: Not that it needs a power cable anymore. And if the restraints didn't work, it would have probably been left on the launch pad. > Then the EVA snapped to an abrupt halt, and fell to the pavement. [They all hold up signs reading: 8.8, 9.2, 9.7 & 5.4] Dan: [To Tsuneo] You're such a critic. > "I hate my life.", Shinji moaned. Rebecca: Don't worry, we hate it too. > "We've got a blue pattern coming up fast, Commander.", Tsuneo: Well obviously, otherwise they wouldn't have launched them... Rick: Actually, he's talking about the colours running in his laundry. > Aoba said, "It looks like we've run out of time." > Gendo Ikari looked over his fingers with a steady gaze. He adjusted > his glasses. Dan: Mountains moved. > "We can now officially classify this as the 31st Angel." > He started rummaging in his pockets, "Hmm. Where's my white-out?" Tsuneo: Yeah, fresh white-out on two thousand year old scrolls. That's going to be really convincing. > Then, in the control room monitors, the Angel cleared the horizon. > Ahautdahell, the purple mass of writhing tentacles, had arrived. Dan: And about time too. Tsuneo: Yeah! Now we can get off lame, badly-written comedy and onto a lame, badly-written fight scene. > ----------------------- > The Streets of Tokyo-3 > ----------------------- > Lina stared at the approaching monster, shielding her eyes with one > hand, "Aah, Shabrandigo was scarier." Rick: And easier to spell. Dan: He's only scarier because you're not a screaming bimbo in a D-cup. > "Ha. If this foolish beast thinks it can stand against the might of > Naga the White Serpent, it is a great fool. Oh-hohoho-HO-hohohohooo!", Tsuneo: With any luck, the angel will hear that and bolt. > Naga, confident of her superiority to a mere mountain-sized city-stomping > monster, laughed derisively. Abruptly, she stopped. "Ano, has anyone > seen my Justice-obsessed little sister?" Rick: She got while the getting was good? Rebecca: Someone stepped on her? Please? > Gaurry pointed at the tallest building they could see. "She ran in > there." > The young sorceress in question was dashing up countless flights of > stairs, Rick: She could be a real winner for the Empire State Marathon. > simultaneously changing from her school uniform to her white and > pink sorceress costume. Dan: Can I watch while you do that? Rebecca: [Whacks him with a cushion] You sicko! This is Amelia, for crying out loud. Dan: Er... AACK! > Finally, she burst out onto the roof, posed > dramatically, and fainted out of sheer exhaustion. Then she stood up, Dan: Now that was a quick recovery! > and pointed an accusing finger at the approaching enemy of all mankind. Rick: Vince McMahon? > "You, Oh darkest ofdemons, Oh foulest of all foul, nasty, evil, smelly, > icky and possibly very ecchi..." Rebecca: Now you know what happens to dialogue the Sailor Scouts reject. Rick: [Muttered] It's too good for them. [Dan hits them both with a cushion.] > At the control centre, Maya smiled happily, "I've got the building > control online! Retracting city now!" > "...I, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, champion of Justice, > Righteousness, Love, Peace, Happy..." At this point, the rapidly > descending building disappeared below street level, and huge blast doors > closed over it. [They all cheer wildly.] > Lina, who had been watching the sinking sorceress, shook her head. > "I've never seen her shut up so effectively before. Rick: [Lina] You know, there was that time with the anvil, but never mind. Tsuneo: I feel really sorry for all the people in the Geofront about now. > Oh well, at least > she's out of the way now. Come on guys, if we don't waste this thing, > Amelia will never stop bugging us about it." Dan: [Lina] Besides, can you imagine the XP value? > The dragon frightener and enemy-of-all-who-live Rick: THe Spice Girls are here too? How many crossovers are there in this fic? Rebecca: Lok on the upside. They might get Dragon Slaved too. Dan: I think the narratro mean Lina. > headed towards the battle, her trusty swordsman and > sidekick in tow. Rebecca [Lina]: Gaurry, heel. Good swordsman. Have a biscuit. > And Naga. > --------------------- > Back with the Pilots > --------------------- Rick [Rei]: Psst. We're on. > Rei and Asuka opened their respective weapons buildings, and armed > themselves. It was not what they expected. Dan: [Asuka] We got cream pies too, huh? > "What the heck are you idiots trying to pull!?", Tsuneo: A crappy crossover. I thought I already said that. > Asuka waved the > Eva-Scale Chakram in a threatening manner at the camera, and hence, the > command staff. Dan: The ring-frisbee-thing. > "The Marketing department recommended cross-promotion to increase > our ratings. Rebecca: Read: the author's desperate. > Rei has been similarly equipped.", remarked Gendo, enigmatically. Rick: So she's gonna wear a dress that shrinks every season and lay out suggestive lines? > Rei, facing the camera, holding aloft an Eva-sized transformation > pen with an image of the Kabbalist Tree of Life on top, deadpanned: > "You must be kidding." Rick: I hope they are. I really, *really* hope they are. Dan: Talk about bad taste. > "Rei. You will do as ordered.", Gendo was implacable. > "I am not your doll." Dan: [Asuka] Hey! That's my line, wonder girl. > Gendo, behind his back, nodded the head of a Rei voodoo doll. Rick: Oh well, now I know what to get Tsuneo for his birthday. Tsuneo: Yeah... I mean, hey! > The albino blinked. "But I will do as you say. Why did I agree? > Oh well." > Asuka shook her head. "This is too stupid for me." She cast the > Chakram (aka combat frisbee) aside, pulled out a progressive knife, Rebecca: The Bobbet knife! [Dan, Rick and Tsuneo simultaneously cross their legs.] > and charged. > Rei, not wanting to let Asuka fight alone (Shinji was TKO and the > others were too far away), held the pen aloft, "Desperate Marketing > Ploy Instrumentality Power!" Rick: That's gotta be about the best- Dan: Worst. Rick: Best! Dan: Worst! Rebecca: Oh, boy. Tsuneo: Roxy's was better. > Ribbons of blue, white (and pink) light > circled Unit-00, lifting it into the air and forming a hugely oversized > Sailor outfit, bedecked with pink ribbons, over top of the Eva's armor. Tsuneo: Aaaak... Bed mental image... won't go away... Rick: See? Rei *is* Sailor Mercury! Dan: I'd kill you for that if it weren't so funny. > Rei looked down at her machine with something resembling disgust. > "I have sunk as low as I can go." Tsuneo: And I believe that the fic is about to prove you wrong. > At that moment, a battered looking Unit-02 went sailing over Rei's > head. All: [Singing] Puma Man, he flies like a moron. > When she turned to look, she found Ahautdahell with an eye stalk > snaking under her EVA's skirt. Dan: Me see London, me see France! Me see *acres* of underpants! > Rei frowned. "No more." Reaching for > a progressive knife, she found a bow holding the compartment closed. With > one motion, she ripped off the bow with the Eva's left hand, and drew the > progressive knife with the right, smoothly de-stalking the angel's probing > member. Tsuneo: In a rather disgusting rip-off of Chuck Williamson's "Ain't Nothing Sacred?" > Gendo, Hyuuga, Aoba, Shinji, Kensuke, Toji and Gaurry all flinched > in sympathy. Rick Dan & Tsuneo: They're not the only ones... Rebecca: [Fuyutski] What about me? > Ahautdahell retreated to a safer distance. Dan: Spain. Majorca, to be precise. Rebecca: And there's one for our Australian fans. > On the top of a non-retracted building, Lina, Gaurry and Naga surveyed > the battle. > "Ah, none of these people really knows how to fight a monster,", Lina > muttered, rolling up her sleeves. Tsuneo: Well, I think Israfel would argue that point. > "I think I'll show them how it's done." > Lina began to chant, red and black energy spiraling around her. Rick: Hey, has anyone ever noticed that the Software Sculptor's translation of the Dragon Slave's casting is distressingly similar to the Master's chant when he awakens the wives in Manos: the Hands of Fate? Dan: Thankyou for that. I may never sleep again. > Naga, noticing this, rapidly levitated down to the street and began to > pound on a set of blast doors that had swallowed a building moments before. > "Let me in! Let me in! There's a maniac out here who's going to blow us > all to ashes! Are you listening to me?!" Tsuneo: Yes, and she's piloting the big red one. > Gaurry, drawing the Sword of Light, repositioned himself behind the > red-haired spellcaster silently praying that she would not release the spell > in his direction. Rick: Oh, she's not *usually* that bad a shot. > --------------------- > At NERV HQ > --------------------- Dan: Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Rick: The *really* *big* room. > "Commander! I'm getting a strange new pattern. The Magi cannot > handle the amount of data. Rebecca: [Ominous] 640K was *not* enough. > We're loosing sensor feed across the board!", > Aoba shouted. While he attempted to compensate for the feedback all > camera views and audio reception broke up. Dan: [Aoba] Um... crap. I goofed. > "Get those systems up right away. Maya, Hyuuga, help him out!", > Misato Katsuragi barked. With the command staff left in the lurch, Dan: [Lurch] You rang? > she looked upward to the only source of information she had left; > Gendo Ikari and Commander Fuyutsuki. Rebecca: Face it, you're screwed. Rick: [Fuyutski] Hey, I actually got a mention! > As for those two, they were in an equally large amount of chaos. > "This was NOT is the script, er... scrolls... ah... whatever. WHAT were > they thinking!" Tsuneo: You know, I often wonder that myself. > --------------------- > On the playing field.... > --------------------- Rebecca: Norths had just thrown away their last chance at the semi- finals... Again. Rick: And another one for our Australian fans. > "....DRAGON SLAVE!" > Wave after wave of dark power granted to Lina poured into the > hapless Ahautdahell who failed to dodge the potent blast. The poor > victims last thoughts were, "Aw Nutbunnies... Tsuneo: It's... original, certainly. Bur it's just not what you'd imagine a slavering tentacle monster to exclaim as it's blown away by an anachronistic spell. Rick: So what's it meant to say? Tsuneo: Poopie? > (and)SO THAT's how they > get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar.", Dan: I did wonder. > before being taken from this life in a cross shaped explosion > All who could see what happened (the EVA pilots) were astounded. > Toji, "What the heck was that?! Who blew up that angel?" Rebecca: Monica Lewinski! Rick: Where in hell did that come from? Rebecca: Well, a Divine Brown reference would be too out of date. Tsuneo: I didn't want to hear that. > Kensuke, "I don't know, I can't get a clear view. Rei's Eva is in > the way Dan: [Kensuke] Not that I mind. > and I've lost all input from the Geofront!" > Turning to Kensuke and releasing the safety on his assault rifle, Toji > muttered, "Then it's time to get up close, *ka-chack* and personal." Rick: Ooh, I'm scared. Rebecca: The eternal dangers of testosterone. > That said, the not-so-dynamic duo moved into the battle zone. > Toji began to slowly advance in front of Kensuke. The latter, > however, valiantly charged forward with all the grace of a drunken > alligator dancing with a hippo. Rick: Or my aunt Edna. Dan: Well, that's my next set of nightmares booked up. > "EVA LEAP!", bellowed Kensuke. The > Law of Physics, feeling violated from the earlier, blatant defiance by > magic, decided to reassert their authority over technology. EVA 05 LEAP > with EVA CANNON not watching for EVA Extension Cord became EVA TRIP! > Leaving Kensuke face first in a hillock and Toji with the job of > extricating him before joining up with the others. Tsuneo: EVA-05 tripped over. Rebecca: Wrong EVA fic. Tsuneo: But it fits nonetheless. > Asuka, in the wake of destruction, Rick: Amazing. all that collateral damage and it wasn't her fault. > spoke. "My.... my kill?" Zooming > her cameras in on Lina's rooftop, "SHE STOLE MY KILL!". Rebecca: Face it, Asuka, you got vulched. > That said, Asuka > charged Lina and Gaurry with progressive knife in hand. Oversized pointy > death awaited our heroes as the blade tore a downward arc towards them. > Death however was forestalled as Gaurry parried the knife with the Sword > of Light. Tsuneo: Okay, this is more than just a touch ridiculous. Even given the fact that the Sword of Light *can* successfully parry a six-meter long blade, *not* including handle, then the force behind the swing should easily be able to chuck Gaurry off the roof! Rebecca: Thank you, Tsuneo. That's a valid point. Now shut up. > "Ah,... they ain't so tough Lina." *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* "Who ever > trained this giant apparently couldn't teach it to fight its way out of a > wet paper bag. Dan: [Fake French accent] See? Is not so tough! > Really..." *CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* Rick: In AD&D, any attempt to parry is automatically successful. > "Sooo > predictable technique. I mean," *PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* > *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* Tsuneo: Well, the dialogue's improved. > "the villains of this world CAN'T be all that > tough if THIS is what's protecting them." Dan: You wouldn't know the half of it. > Asuka's ears were flaming at the commentary that the external mikes > were feeding her. Dan: [Asuka] They DARE to insult the great ASUKA'S prowess? > "This giant hasn't even figured out it could smash the building beneath > us rather than fight me on the roof. Tsuneo: One: yes, she would and two: she's trying to protect the city. Rebecca: Allegedly. > The fall would probably kill us..." Rick: Unless you landed on your head. > Grinning maniacally, Asuka did just that. Dan: Boy, the lanlord's gonna be pissed. Rebecca: Nerv: we save your world in roughly the same way Gamera does. > The building went tumbling > down; Gaurry and Lina, however did not. The laws of Physics lose again. Tsuneo: They've been losing for quite a while around here. > "...that is, if you stopped that levitate spell you've been > maintaining Lina. All: Wah, wah, waaaaah. > Well Mr. Red Giant," Rebecca: [JR] Good god, it's Kane! > *CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG*, "It was > nice sparing with you, but we have to go now. Don't worry about the evil > monster; no need to thank us. We'll send you the bill later. Rick: And that's a threat. > Have a nice > day!" That said, Lina and Gaurry disappeared into the dust cloud beneath > them which was born out of the shattered building's remains. > "Scheibkophen!", Rick: What did she say? Rebecca: A random collection of consonants. Rick: You don't know, do you? Tsuneo: Neither do the authors. Dan: Neither did ADV. > swore Asuka, relaxing her aggressive posture. Dan: Ah, forget it, Asuka. Just write it up on your expenses account. > Toji and Kensuke skidded to a halt beside Asuka. The more heavily > armed of the two yelling, "What happened? Where's the bad guy? Tell me > what to shoot!?" Rebecca: At least he's got his priorities straight. > Rather than responding, verbally, Asuka simply punched him without > turning around. Unfortunately, Toji's Eva was the closer of the two and he > took the hit. Tsuneo: Regardless of the fact she was trying for Kensuke... > In an effort to maintain his balance, he reached out and > grabbed for anything that would stabilize him. That was Kensuke. > That was a bad idea. Dan: There's a lot of them going around. > Kensuke, now off balance himself, stumbles forward clumsily > accidentally thrusting his large multi-barreled weapon into Asuka's > posterior. Rick: Ouch. Poor Kensuke. I'd say it's been nice knowing him, but it hasn't. Tsuneo: Comedy! > That was a ALSO bad idea. > "BAKA YARO HENTAI!", Rebecca: You know, I'm glad I don't speak fanboy Japanese. Tsuneo: Apparently, neither do they. > screamed the Second Child. Once again brandishing > the progressive knife in a fashion which alarmed the male pilots. Wisely, > they decided to flee. "Get back here and take your punishment like men!" Rebecca: Aside from the fact they won't *be* men after that punishment... [Tsuneo, dan & Rick simultaneously cross their legs.] > she cried as she pursued the targets of her intent. > Between the retreating forms of the two male pilots the consensus was > quickly reached that if they were to return to receive their punishment, > they would not remain men for long. Rebecca: Gah! Ah... They did it again! Dan: Oh, it's simple. They just went for the most blatantly obvious and dumb joke possible. Rebecca: Oh... Hey! > And what of our brave Shinji? Tsuneo: It's an EVA fanfic, ergo he does nothing. > The glorious First child was only now > recovering consciousness. "Wha... what did I miss?" Rick: Nothing. Dan: Breast jokes. Tsuneo: Asuka on the rampage. Rebecca: A Dragon Slave. > His Eva was help to its feet by the fuku clad EVA 00. Tsuneo: I may never sleep again. Rick: He'll probably wish he was unconscious again. > "Nothing.", replied the solemn First Child. Dan: [Rei] Stuff happened. It was cool. > "Rei?" > "Yes?" > "Did we defeat the Angel." Rick: In not so many words. > (hesitation)"Yes." > "Oh... ok." > "Rei?" > "Yes?" > "Is Asuka trying to castrate Suzahara and Aida again?" Rebecca: Note the operative word here being "again." > (hesitation)"Yes." > "Oh... ok." > "Rei?" > "Yes?" > "Is your Eva wearing a sailor outfit?" Dan: Distressingly such. > (resigned) "...Yes." > "Oh...." > "Rei?" > "Yes?" Tsuneo: [Shinji] Is this sketch tired and drawn out enough yet? Rebecca: [Rei] Definitely. > "I need a drink." > "Me too." Rick: Count me in. Dan: And me! > ------------------------------------------ > Back in the pit with the support crew > ------------------------------------------ Rick: Yes, but how quickly can they change Unit 02's tyres and give it a top-up? > The combined efforts of Dr. Akagi, Maya, the tech support guy from > Microsquish Dan: Yeah, like he's gonna do anything useful. > and the under-appreciated university intern Rick: And a guy called Bahb. Rebecca: [Bahb] I know how to fix it, but I don't want to tell you. > finally managed to bring the sensors back on line. Tsuneo: Oh yeah.. The "on" switch. > "Someone see if they can get me a lock on that angel. Evangelion > team, what is your status?." Rick: Highly merchandisable. Dan: Actually, you don't want to know. > barked Misato as the screens and speakers flickered to life. > "*CRACKLE* *CRACKLE*... your cables are cut you dweebs, it's only > a matter of time before you run out of power Rebecca: They'd better pray for divine intervention. Tsuneo: In *which* show? Rebecca: Good point. > and I ... OH! Misato-san! You're back." Tsuneo: [Asuka] And I'm suddenly using honorific suffixes. > "What happened? Where's the angel?" Rebecca: Where's the plot? > "Oh... him. Well,...", Tsuneo: And the next angel shall be called Ouimuell. Thank you. > with sudden booming confidence, "... once > gain the responsibility of saving the world has fallen into the lap of > the Second Child. Rebecca: [Misato] Admit it, you goofed, didn't you? Rick: [Asuka] Yes. > And, viewing audience, once again you have not been > disappointed.", she bowed. > Aoba, "No blue pattern detected Commander. The angel must be dead." Dan: Or it's hiding... That would be a bummer. Rick: It's not dead! It's just resting. > "What about that sensor overload we got from the area? What was that > Asuka? Some new angel attack?" Dan: Something like that. Rebecca: Nah, just the good old Star Trek interference. > "What... that... oh yeah... the angel tried to do, um... some weird > kind of energy thingy,... Rick: It *is* Star Trek interference. > and er,... I killed it good.", she replied. > There were skeptics among the listeners. Tsuneo: Man, her acting's almost as good as in the WWF. Rebeccca: So, um, you've watched it and know, huh? Tsuneo: Um... just what I've heard. Rebecca: Of course. > "Rei.", Commander Ikari enquired, "did you see anything unusual during > the battle?" Dan: She's sitting in it. > Rei glanced down at her mecha, clad for all the world like some > gigantic Transformer that had run afoul of an equally enormous Barbie > collection. Tsuneo: [Rei] Define "unusual." > Comparatively speaking, she could answer the commander with a frank, "No." > "Very well, recall the Evas, Captain Katsuragi. I'm going to get a perm > and manicure." Gendo Ikari exited stage right. [They all stare blankly at the screen.] Dan: Suddenly, I've lost my will to live. > Misato, fed up with the whole mess told the crew to sink the Eva's and > raise the city. Rick: Pray that they don't get them confused. > She was going to go home and have a nice hot bath. And several drinks. Rebecca: Lots and lots of drinks. > She exited stage left. > ----------------------------------------------------- > And now, the long awaited shower scene > ----------------------------------------------------- Dan & Rick: Woo-hoo! > The girls went first. For some reason they always went first. Whether > peeping was intentional or not, the possibility existed yet was rarely > exploited. Rebecca: Asuka's sledgehammer ensured this. > One would guess that the planners in an organization involved > in saving humanity would see the fallacy of unisex showers. You'd be wrong. Tsuneo: [Builder] Look... we've fit in testing rooms, EVA construction facilities, endless miles of tunnels, the vault of Heaven, the Really Big Room... We gotta cut somewhere! > After the girls came the guys. Dan: Well, obviously. > They stripped and began to clean the LCL off of themselves. Rick: I don't want to see this. Rebecca: What is this about EVA fics and indecent exposure? Tsuneo: Oh well, at least it's not DJ's "area." [Rebecca hits him with a cushion.] > As always, there exists an amazing double standard. Men peeping on girls > always get slugged. However, girls peeping on guys never get hit. Dan: Mainly because guys like me wouldn't *mind* having some of those girls peeping on them. Rebecca: In your dreams, Dan. > This being > so, Asuka wrapped in a towel stepped in on the three male pilots as they were > lathering up. The bubbles contrived to maintain a PG rating on the fic. Rick: [Looks up] Thank you. > Shinji, Toji and Kensuke covered as best as they could under the > circumstances; which wasn't very well. Dan: [Deadpan] It's not like there's much to cover. Rick: Toothpicks. > "Listen here you cretins, let's get one thing straight! We stick to > MY story. You saw nothing!", that said, she turned and stalked out. Dan: Damn shame, that. > As Asuka left, she passed Rei, who had seen everything (including > what went on in the shower). The second child turned to stare > challengingly at the first. Rei's flat gaze met the stare. "What?" Rebecca: [Rei] I'm not touching you. Is this bugging you? > ---------------------------------------------------- > Where the streets are paved in rubble > ----------------------------------------------------- Rick: Philidelphia? > Lina and Gaurry wandered around through the thinning dust cloud, > looking for their friends. And Naga. Dan: Note the important distinction. Tsuneo: Yeah, she's really done a lot for this fic. Rebecca: And this is bad because? Tsuneo: Did I say it was bad? > "Naga! NAAGA! Hey you cackling maniac, the monster's gone now. Dan: No, you're still here. Rick: [Lina] Time to share out the XPs. > You can come out!", Lina shouted over the sound of settling detritus. Rebecca: That's corporal Detritus to you. > "Soo-EEE! Soo-EEE!", Gaurry cupped his hands around his mouth for > better projection. > "Gaurry, what the heck are you doing?" > Gaurry shrugged, "It always worked on the farm." Tsuneo: Barnyard animals. Rebecca: Naga the Serpent. Tsuneo & Rebecca: Spot the difference. > **SMAQUE!** Dan: Oh, look, it's a Shakespearian mallet. > Lina rubbed her knuckles where Gaurry's rock head had bruised them, Rick: Ow. > and called out again, "Hey, 'Oh Great White Worm', are you going to sit > on your over-padded butt all day?!" Tsuneo: Why? It's not like she does anything else. Dan: Oh, come on. She foiled the scary chimera plan on her own. Tsuneo: [winces] Don't remind me. > A weak voice escaped from between two jagged slabs of concrete, > "S-s-s-er...pent. Uh." Tsuneo: [Lina] Ah, leave her there. > Lina turned to find a white hand waving limply. "*sigh* You're > hopeless, you know that? Aah, If I don't dig her out, I'll never hear the > end of it. Dil BRAND!" The rubble was hurled into the air, and a > battered Naga fell at Lina's feet. Rebecca: You know, with the respect they have for each other, you'd think they were AD&D players in action. Dan: They aren't? > But neither Lina nor Gaurry noticed that. Their eyes were focussed > on the treasure trove that the blast had revealed: Gold, Franklin mint > and Merrrr...cantile goods! (Sound it out people). [They all laugh weakly.] Dan: Fun-nee. > All were there, free for the taking. > "You know,... Gaurry. We DID technically save the city from certain > destruction. So..." Dan: Technically? Rebecca: Yeah! They destroyed it to stop the angel from doing that. > His eyes reflected Lina's greed, ".... this would -technically- be > our reward? Right?" > "Like I told you in Chapter one, there's hope for you yet." Rick: I've got it! That rubble's form the fourth wall! > *SNAP* Naga sat bolt upright, "Treasure? Taaaa-reashure? I landed > on it first. Half of everything is mine!" Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, AD&D logic. > As the slayers cast attempted to loot,... er,... recover their > reward, the city once again rose towards the sky. Rick: Epsilon tower! > Aside from the whine of > the motors a certain familiar droning could be heard. "*MRPH* *MRPH* > *MRPH* ....monstrating the power of my FIST OF JUSTICE Tsuneo: And Mr. Fujisawa popped out of the ground. Dan: Yeah, that'd be about right. > upon your evil... countenance... Hey, where'd everybody go?" Dan: You'd think that being underground for so long, she'd kind of notice it. Rebecca: This *is* Amelia, after all. Dan: Alright, but that's pushing it. > Lina blinked up at Amelia, "Y'know, that's the farthest she's ever > gotten through that speech." > --------------------------------- > --------------------------------- Tsuneo: Insert scene title here. > Well, that brings us, and you, to the end of another chapter. All: Hooray! > No applause please, just throw money. Tsuneo: Or bricks. > If you wish to contact us regarding > this chapter or the previous one (or those not yet written (ooo, > scary)), Dan: I'm scared. > please send to laughlin@accessv.com. > As an aside, we're running a contest! We're at a loss as to what > final, terrible Angel will attack our heroes in the gut-wrenching, > terrifying climax. So if you have ideas and names, send 'em! We > ight even use them if they're ludicrous enough! Rick: Hey, it could be- Rebecca: Don't. You'll just encourage them. > Expect chapter 3 within the month (fingers crossed). Tsuneo: Why? You make it sound like people want it. > Since this > is being written in the summer, and our various responsibilities and draws > on our time are lessened, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Knock > on wood. [The TV switches off.] Rick: And it's over! Rebecca: Well... Dan: That was sad. Rebecca: I'm not gonna bother saying what I thought, because it will just be the same as last time. Tsuneo: That and the jokes seemed a *lot* more forced. Rick: Nipple. There, I said it. Tsuneo: Yeah, and about that funny too. Rebecca: So, voice, I suppose you're going to ram part three down our throats when it arrives. Voice: Only if the fans demand it. Dan: That's a yes. Rebecca: Voice, you would do it regardless. Voice: I feel no obligation to respond to that one. Tsuneo: Yeah, that's all I needed. Rick: Can we go now? Voice: Yes! [They all file out. The screen goes blank.] Rick: You're right! He *does* look like a killer sunflower. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > It's these really big robots with extension cords which run around and blow up > evil Angels.