Elmer Studios presents...
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Number 59. The longest, and quite possibly worst fanfic to date - Cruel
Lina's Thesis chapter 4.

Evangelion is copyright Gainax.
Slayers is copyright (fill this bit in)
"Cruel Lina's Thesis" is copyright 2 hacks who've written bad fanfics over
the web.
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.]

[Rebecca enters carrying a large cardboard box. Dan, Rick and Tsuneo follow
closely behind her.]

Rick: I can't believe they made a new set so soon.
Tsuneo: Especially when the last set weren't exactly top sellers.
Dan: Well I think this set will take off faster. At least, the EVAs will.
Rebecca: I know I'm not buying any of the figures.
Tsuneo: Except maybe that Jon Ellis one in the last batch.
Rebecca: Well...
Dan: Face it, you've got a crush on him. Almost as bad as you did with Nav,
I'd say. [Rebecca hits him with the cardboard box]
Tsuneo: Getting started early?
Rick: Let's just have a look at them, okay?

[Rebecca sets down the box on the coffee table and rips the lid open.]

Rebecca: Let's see... They're mostly variants of the last batch. [She takes
a figure from the box] See, we've got DJ in his plugsuit.
Rick: Let's see. [He takes the figure from Rebecca] Yeah, lime green and
all. And it says here it's got a realistic "area."
Tsuneo: I did not need to hear that.
Rebecca: [Takes another figure from the box] And this one. It's Tom in his
never-described plugsuit.
Rick: [Takes the figure from Rebecca] With "raised middle finger action,"
too.
Dan: Charming bunch. so is it all variant figures?
Tsuneo: No, actually. [He pulls out a figure and hands it to Dan] We've got
one of Jim Beckett. You remember, from Neon Leviticus.
Dan: Yeah. Hey, he comes with his pointless butler. And he's got "lurking
action."
Rebecca: Sounds right for the first half of his fic.
Rick: Hang on, there's another one here. [He pulls out another figure] It's
Jim in his black bodysuit. And he comes with the kid and Mr. Bigglesworth.
Tsuneo: Now I've seen it all. An annoying kid accessory.
Dan: But that ain't the last of them. Look! [He takes another figure from
the box and shows it to Tsuneo]
Tsuneo: I don't believe this.
Rebecca: What is it? [She takes the figure from Dan] It's... You're right,
I don't believe it either.
Rick: Do I want to know?
Rebecca: It's Sailor Issei, complete with "magic darts and overcompensation
action."
Rick: Yup, that's Issei all right.

[The dump the figures on the coffee table]

Tsuneo: So what about the other lot, are they any good?
Rebecca: I think so. [She hands a figure to each of the others and takes
one for herself]
Rick: Let's see... "Genuine fanfic Evangelion display figures" which means
they've got no posability whatsoever, of course.
Tsuneo: Which one have you got?
Rick: I've got Tom Dyron's EVA-04. The paint job's pretty good. Black and
white with red highlights and his stupid bird crest, too.
Rebecca: Funny, I've got an EVA-04 as well. This one's Jon Ellis' black and'
red EVA. Hey, it's even got a little X-Com badge.
Dan: Well this one's got the best paint job. It's Lisa's EVA-04 in black
and silver. It looks great! Pity about the pilot.
Tsuneo: Hate to burst your bubble, but that's Jin's EVA-04. It looks just
the same.
Rick: They must have given us two samples.
Dan: No, serious. It's Lisa's EVA-04. It says so on the packet.
Tsuneo: But they look identical.

[Pause]

Rebecca: That is really, really cheap.
Dan: Tell me about it.
Rick: So they're all just repaints of the same figure?
Rebecca: Pretty much... Hey, there's still one in the box. Maybe it'll be
different. [She takes the last figure]
Tsuneo: Any good?
Rebecca: It's an ultra rare, extra expensive, limited edition EVA figure.
Rick: Let's see!
Rebecca: It's the "Fate Of The Children" EVA-03. You remember, the red
and black one?
Dan: So... It's just Jon's without the X-Com badge?

[Pause]

Dan: These figures suck.
Rick: Pretty much, yeah.

[They pile the EVA figures back into he box.]

Voice: Good morning all.
Rebecca: Hello yourself, Cabal.
Dan: Someone's been playing Tiberium Sun, I see.
Voice: Whatever. Ready to work?
Tsuneo: No, but that's never stopped you before.
Rick: What is it today?
Voice: By popular demand - not, not by you guys - I've got the latest
chapter of Cruel Lina's Thesis.
Tsuneo: Be still, my beating heart.

[They sit - Dan and Tsuneo on the forwards-facing couch, Rick and
Rebecca on the sideways one. Tsuneo and Rebecca are closest on the
corners.]

Rick: Just to recap, what did they promise last time?
Rebecca: Let's see... They promised another Angel, more of Cthulu and
his mob, something about an "aura of smooth," Palladium jokes-
Dan: Well, Palladium is a joke already.
Rebecca: And something about self insertions.
Rick: Wonderful.

[The screen lights up.]

> Bwahahahaha! You thought you could stop us, but you can't!

Tsuneo: Well, we tried.

> There's is no escaping the wrath which is our tasteless fic!

Rick: Well, you don't *have* to read it... Unless you're us.

> (Dear readers, 

Dan: We're sorry, our bad.

>      Doubtless if you are fans of Evangelion, then you must have
> experienced other fanfics in this area of interest.

Rebecca: Don't remind us.

> As you've probably
> noted, there are a lot of freaky people out there writing themselves into
> fics and performing unspeakable acts to various characters, their
> personalities and the English language in general.

Dan: And that's just Hellstorm!
Tsuneo: Actually, it's mostly to the storyline and themes of EVA, but never
mind.

> Many of the jokes and
> grammatical errors in this chapter are a 'tribute' to these monstrosities.

Rebecca: That's their excuse, and they're sticking to it.
Rick: Alright, but if they use this tirade as an excuse to insert themselves,
I'm leaving.

> Also, the innuendo in this part gets REALLY thick.

Dan: So thick, you could cut it with a knife.
Tsuneo: Funny, that describes the rest of the fic.
Rick: Prepare yourself for bad taste galore.
Rebecca: That's my specialty.

> If you don't enjoy such, don't read it.

Tsuneo: Oh, if only we had the choice.

> For the rest of you right-minded individuals, enjoy.)

Rick: And for all the rest of you out there, the secret is to bang the rocks
together, guys.

>      As always, Evangelion and all associated characters and situations are
> property of Gainax. 

Dan: Mmm, Sailor Gainax.
Rick: Mmm, Gainax bounce.
Rebecca: Rick, you are hopeless.
Rick: It's a living. Seriously.

> The Slayers cast are also not ours.

Rebecca: We're not saying who owns them, though.

> We continue to make no money from these stories

Dan: Or just about anything else, for that matter.
Rick: That's the story of my life.

> (or just about anything else, for that matter)

Dan: Well... Yeah.

> so don't sue us, please.

> *    A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover  *
> *                                                 *
> *    Cruel Lina's Thesis                          *
> *                                                 *
> *    Part 4: And the Plot Arose                   *

Tsuneo: It looked around, decided it wasn't worth trying and went back to sleep.

> ---------------------------------------
> But will you respect me in the morning?
> ---------------------------------------

Rebecca: And anyone who fails to answer yes to that question deserves what's
coming to them.
Dan: [Gulp]

>      Dawn broke over Tokyo-3,

Tsuneo: Someone call the repairman.

> casting warm comforting light over the city.

Rick: Hey look, it's the Colony Laser.

> Well, it was comforting to those who hadn't drunk themselves unconscious the
> night before, anyway.

Rick: Oh well, that's me out.

> Stabbing rays of yellow pain lanced in through the
> windows of Misato's apartment,

Rebecca: And the twelve layers of grime that covered them.

> eventually penetrating eyelids and even hastily pulled up blankets.
 
Tsuneo: That's not sunlight, that's death rays.
Dan: When you have a hangover, it's the same thing.

>       "Ack.  My mouth tastes like something crawled into it

Rick: [Shinji] Oh, hi Pen Pen.
Rebecca: Maybe it's one of those alien facehuggers.

> and committed seppuku."

Tsuneo: It's be rather difficult to get a good swing up in there.
Rick: That would mean two things crawled into your mouth then, wouldn't it?

> Shinji groggily rubbed his eyes, and reached down, trying to pull
> the blankets up farther.

Dan: [Shinji] I had this horrible dream where my dad made me pilot this huge
robot, and there was a clone of my mum, and a psychotic German, and... Oh,
good morning, Asuka.
 
>      "Shinji." Rei's voice was strangely close by.

Tsuneo: Let's not go there.
Rick: Well there ya go. It *is* Delta Invasion.

>      "Um, yes Rei?"

Rebecca: [Rei] Toothpicks.

>      "That's not a blanket."

Dan: [Shinji] Oh, er, I knew that.

>      Shinji rolled over, coming face to face with Rei.

Rick: GAH! Don't do that!

> Very face to face.

Rebecca: BOP! Ow...
Tsuneo: I get it, it's one of the severe zoom-ins from the Young Master.

> Shinji stared into Rei's eyes, and noticed the material in his hand was a
> lot finer than blankets usually are.

Dan: And tastier, too! With half the calories.

> He also felt something rubbing against
> his legs that felt suspiciously like another leg.

Rick: Pray it's Rei's.
Tsuneo: Let's not go there.

> It wasn't covered with anything.  Oops.

Rebecca: He's run into a Gainax promo poster! Get out of there Shinji, before
you wind up in a lacy bra and panties.
Tsuneo: Let's not go Hellstorm either, okay?

>      Shinji carefully put the skirt back where it ought to be, and smoothed
> it out.  Then he realized where his hands were.

Rick: Real smooth.
Dan: Lucky bastard.

>      "Uuuhhh..."

>      Rei merely watched him, impassive.

Dan: [Rei] I have *such* a hangover.

>      Asuka's voice yelled from the other side of the room.

Tsuneo: And with a hangover, that could be fatal.

> "Shinji you pervert!

Rick: Hey, is this Asuka or Akane? I've lost track.

> What the hell do you think you're doing!"

Rebecca: [Shinji] Same thing as you and Tom!
Rick: Asuka, figure it out.

>      Rei sat up and watched Asuka for a moment.

Dan: Then she got bored and changed channels.

> "We could ask you the same question, Asuka."

Rebecca: [Rei] I thought you kicked Lisa out.

>      Confused, Asuka looked down.

Rebecca: For some reason, there was a Gainax artist peering up her skirt.

> Pen Pen looked back at Asuka, gave her
> an affectionate peck on the cheek, and waddled off.

Tsuneo: Let's definitely not go there.

>      "..."

Dan: I wanna frame that line.

>      Shinji watched Asuka, who seemed frozen.  "Um.  Asuka?  Are you alright?"

Rick: Never ask Asuka that question.
Tsuneo: [Asuka] No! I'm stuck in a crappy fanfic!

>      "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Rebecca: [British] No, no, it's a little higher. Try a "waaah!"

>      It's amazing how a blood-curdling scream can wake people immune to
> even top-of-the-line alarm clocks.

Tsuneo: Whereas Dan here could sleep through a nuclear blast.
Dan: Hey, it's easy in Rifts. All the nukes have a 20 foot blast radius.
Rebecca: And how would you know anyway, wonder boy.
Tsuneo: It's just the number of times he's been late for filming.
Dan: Hey, I said I was sorry, already!

> Kaji rolled over to turn off the
> alarm, but his arm seemed to be blocked by large, springy pillows.

Dan: [Kaji] Totoro? The hell?
Rick: Marta's gonna be jealous, Ling Ling's been sleeping around. Again.
Rebecca [Kaji]: Melons.

> "I can't reach your alarm, Misato."

Rebecca: Have you tried its mobile number? Everyone's got a mobile these
days.

>      "The alarm's not on this side of the bed." Misato mumbled, barely
> conscious.

Tsuneo: [Misato] Bu'r off, Kaji. I want another hour.
Rick: Say, what's the difference between a barely conscious Misato and a
Misato normally?
Rebecca: Attention span.

>      "Oh."  Kaji rolled the other way, and found his face against some
> more pillows.  "Hey Misato, why do you have so many pillows on your bed?"

Rick: Those aren't pillows, they're her Pikachu collection.
Rebecca: Damned thing gets everywhere these days.

>      An entirely different voice spoke from above the pillows.  "Those
> aren't pillows, Kaji-san, but you're welcome to keep your head there as
> long as you like."  Naga grinned at him.

Tsuneo: Let's not go there.
Rick: Kaji already did.

>      Misato, now fully awake, hauled on the blankets to cover herself,

Dan: Damn.
Rick: Cover me! I'm going in!

> unceremoniously dumping the other two onto the floor.  And each other.

Rebecca: Kaji doesn't mind.
Dan: Neither would I!

>      Naga giggled.  "Oh, Kaji-San, AGAIN?"

Tsuneo: Hold on... [Starts writing something on a piece of paper.]

>      "What do you mean, AGAIN?"

Dan: Well, what she means is that she wants-
Rick: Yes, thank you.

> Kaji and Misato said together, Misato at much higher decibel levels.

Rick: Ow... Consider everyone with a hangover here.

>      Kaji rubbed chin quizzically

Dan: It felt like sandpaper.

> after he climbed off of Naga.

Rick: Not an easy task.
Rebecca: Naga's one of these people who's taller lying down than standing up.

> "You know,
> I can remember kissing a dark-haired girl last night, but I can't quite
> seem to recall which one..."

Rick: Nova?
Tsuneo: Afura Mann?
Dan: Sylia?
Rebecca: Actually, it was Amelia, but let's not tell her that.

>      Naga waved a hand haughtily.

Dan: Oh no, she's signalling for the bitch laugh!

> "Well, given my superiority in both the
> fields of alcohol tolerance and...

Rick: Marketability?
Dan: Fan Service?
Rebecca: Drooling shrines?
Tsuneo: Brainpower... Almost.

> endowment... I think it's almost
> guaranteed that you chose me over that old hag. Oh-ho-ho-hohohoh

Tsuneo: Actually, there's a reason not to.
Rick: Amazing. Even with a hangover, Naga seems unchanged. I mean, this is
normal. For her.

> *BANG*
> ho...uhk." Naga collapsed to the ground as Misato returned the sorceress
> to dreamland by the head trauma express.

All: Go Misato!

> She then put the badly cracked end table back in its place.  

>      "I wonder if anyone else is up?"

Rebecca: Well, I know Kaji's *up.*
Tsuneo: [Holds up a sign reading: Let's not go there]
Rick: I'd like to see anyone sleep through that little display.

>      In fact, the typical (for Misato's apartment) morning noises were
> waking everyone else up. 

All: WARK!

>      Toji rolled over and smiled at Hikari.

Dan: [Toji] I am so dead.

> "Good morning Dear."  She
> gently touched his face, and gave him a kiss on the forehead.  Getting ready
> to stand up, Toji rolled the other way.

>       "Good morning Dear." Kensuke grinned evilly at Toji.

Dan: GAH!
Rebecca: [Laughs evilly]
Tsuneo: [Holds up a sign reading: Let's not go there]

> Kensuke got his face touched, but not gently.

Rebecca: Dan would know what that's like.
Dan: ...

>       "Hi hi!"

Dan: What, now Jamie Jeans is in the fic?

> Amelia bounced into the room.

Rick: As if your hangovers weren't bad enough.

> Under one arm she had a plush Sailor Moon,

Tsuneo: I'd make a comment about that being twenty years out of date if I
thought anyone would listen. So I won't.
Rebecca: Hey Dan, looks like she stole it from you.
Dan: No way. I wouldn't sleep with a plush Sailor Moon.
Rick: Yeah. A plush Sailor Jupiter is more your style.
Dan: Damn stra- HEY!

[Rick & Rebecca laugh]

> under the other was a plush Shinji.

Rick: Hey, do you know what's the difference between a plush Shinji and
the real thing?
Tsuneo: If you make a "backbone" crack, I'll hurt you.
Rick: [Gulp]
Dan: And I guess she nicked that one from you, Rebecca.
Rebecca: No way!
Dan: Of course. It's more Rick's style.
Rick: ...

> Unlike the others, she did not appear to have slept in her clothes.

Dan: Whoah! Waitasec... Amelia... GAH!
Rick: [Keanu Reeves] Whoa.
Rebecca: I thought we agreed never to mention that again.

> Instead, she was wearing a knee-length Hello Kitty t-shirt.

Tsuneo: Thank god for that.
Rick: Although it's not much of an improvement.

> How she had managed to find these items
> and change while unconscious and in an alcoholic stupor will remain a mystery
> for all time.

>       Amelia, somehow perky in spite of any hangover she should have and the
> early hour, bopped over to where her companions were still sleeping.

Dan: There is nothing worse than someone being cheery when you've got a hangover.
That always ticks me off.

> "Hey Miss Lina, Mr. Gaurry!  Did you have a good sleep?

Tsuneo: [Holds up a sign reading: Let's not go there]
Rebecca: Watch it with that thing, mister.

> ...[much quieter] oh, I guess you did."

Dan: My point.

> Amelia walked away from where the two were entwined in each other's limbs,

Rick: [Jim Ross] The Mindbender!

> and looked for breakfast.

Rebecca: [Bad German accent] Here ve see ze primitive Amelia engaged in a life
or death ztruggle vith her breakfast.

> ---------------------------------------
> The Breakfast of Champions (of Justice)
> ---------------------------------------

Tsuneo: Personally, I'd love to know how all these people are fitting in
Misato's apartment.
Dan: Maybe it's the Delta Invasion version.
Rebecca: Maybe they're all sleeping over at Jon's.

>      The cast were sitting around Misato's apartment,

Dan: Alright, who locked them out?
Tsuneo: Actually, they were having a hunger strike demanding better scripts and
higher pay.

> holding paper plates
> and waiting for breakfast to be served.  Kaji was busy preparing the breakfast
> (a traditional English breakfast: Bangers (sausage) and Mash (potatoes)),

Rick: Given that no-one in the room was even the slightest bit English, you'd
have to wonder why.
Rebecca: Ah yes, bangers and mash. The traditional English breakfast. Or lunch.
Or dinner, for that matter.

> with the help of Shinji and, of all people, Naga.

Rick: Naga cooking? Sounds scary.

> Naga was still wearing
> the sweater and leggings from the day before, but had accented them with a
> Piyo Piyo apron.

Tsuneo: Gasp at one annoying anime reference after another!

> As she prepared an omelette, she seemed to be humming to
> herself.  "Oh egg, oh egg, I'm going to mix you up, mix you up..."

Tsuneo: Well someone here's mixed up.
Dan: This is very disturbing.

>      Lina watched Naga cook with a baffled expression.  "Um, Naga?  What are
> you doing?

Rick: Well you could call it cooking.

> This whole homebody thing really isn't like you, is it?"

Rebecca: We noticed.

>      "Hah!  You were always ignorant of the womanly arts, Lina.

Tsuneo: Like she can talk.

> Should
> you manage to pull off one of the great miracles of the age and land a man,
> your meagre to nonexistent domestic skills mean you won't be able to keep
> him.

Rebecca: Nup, you'll have to throw it back. Too small.

> I, on the other hand," at this, Naga gave her hips a wiggle, the
> ripples from which ran through her body to her arm, flipping the omelette.

Tsuneo: An act that would be physically impossible if Naga had bones. Which I
doubt some days.
Rick: Yes, but is it art?
Rebecca: Dan, you're drooling again.
Dan: I don't care. It's the voice's job to clean the carpet.

> "have all the bases covered."

>      Lina was having trouble finding a safe place to point her gaze.

Rick: Gotta watch it with those death-ray eyes.
Dan: Straight down's a fave.

> She couldn't look at Gaurry

Rebecca: Because he was busy obfuscating, I suppose.

> after where she woke up, and looking at Naga right
> now was... disturbing.

Tsuneo: Tell me about it.

> Unfortunately, Misato's apartment wasn't really that big,

Tsuneo: My earlier point. I'd love to know how they're meant to squeeze
twelve people-
Rick: And a penguin.
Tsuneo: Yes, and a penguin around this table.

> so her options were severely limited.

Dan: Kind of like the New South Wales state elections.

> Misato was polishing off
> three cans of hair of the dog, or 'breakfast' as she called it.

Rick: [Joel Flieschman] Thanks. What is this?
Rebecca: [Marilyn Whirlwind] Hair of the dog.
Rick: [Joel Flieschman] Yeech! What's in it?
Rebecca: [Marilyn Whirlwind] Hair of the dog.
Tsuneo: You two have been waiting about eighteen months to do that,
haven't you?

[Rick & Rebecca nod vigorously]

> As a
> painful reminder of the night before (and the throbbing headache and nausea
> last night caused)

Tsuneo: Alright, so it's another painful reminder. Happy?

> she was being forcibly ignored by everybody.  So Lina
> tried the only person she considered remotely as sane as herself, Hikari.
 
Dan: Normally I'd agree. I don't know who this crazed, fanatical dominatrix
sitting next to her is, but it sure ain't Hikari.

>      "Toji?" Hikari mumbled.

>      "Yes Dear?"

Rebecca: [Yui] Are you ready, dear?
Dan: [Gendo] I'm always ready, dear.
Rick: Do you mind?

>      "Should you consider inviting me out to a glamourous evening of dancing
> and drinking..."

>      "Yes Dear?"

Tsuneo: [Hikari] Ensure that Kensuke's firmly locked up first.

>      "You die."

>      "Yes dear."

Dan: See?
Rebecca: Okay, Dan. You were right, for once in your life.

>      Kensuke was reading the label on a bottle of pink liquid.  "For mild
> indigestion, take one spoonful.  For acute indigestion, take two."  Nodding
> sagely (and very carefully) to himself, he upended the bottle into a glass
> and downed it.

Rick: Oh, now they're just ripping off Red Dwarf. That's about as low as you
can get.
Tsuneo: I bet they just put that there to see if we would recognise it.
Rick: Actually... Yeah, they probably did.

[Pause]

Rick: Scary.

>      Kaji began serving the mash, and Amelia walked around with the other
> plate.  Shinji sat at the table, between Asuka and Rei.

Tsuneo: AKA heaven and hell.

> Amelia approached Gaurry, who seemed distracted, staring into space.

Dan: How could you tell the difference?

>      "Banger?"

Tsuneo: [Holds up a sign reading: Let's not go there]

>      "NO!" Gaurry waved his hands in denial, blushing.

>      Amelia, not ever having seen Gaurry refuse food, was confused.  "Well,
> okay."  She walked off towards Lina.

Rebecca: Gaurry's never been embarrassed before either, but that's accurate
characterisation so never mind. Well, besides episode seventeen, but who
wouldn't be?

>      Lina was wrapped in her own thoughts.  "What the heck was I doing in
> Gaurry's arms this morning?

Rick: Take a hint.

> How drunk was I?  This isn't how I act at all.

All: We noticed.

> For that matter, Gaurry was acting really strange last night too.

Dan: You know there's something wrong with a fic when one of it's central
points is people acting OOC. For crying out loud, it stank in "A Change Of
Character," and it stinks here.

> Something is really wrong.

Tsuneo: You're caught in a crappy fanfic?

> The way Asuka and I were blushing and fawning
> of Gaurry last night... you'd think we were both after..."

>      "Sausage?"

Tsuneo: [Holds up a sign reading: Let's not go there]

>      "NO!" Lina shot up straight in her chair, and almost fell.

>      Amelia was now more confused.

Dan: That is quite an accomplishment.
Rebecca: Any more confused and she'll be walking backwards.

> "Oh well.  More for the rest of us then."

Rick: I may never eat sausages again.

> She puttered off towards the table.  Lina blinked.

>      Kaji wiped his hands on a towel, and then stood behind Misato.  "You
> seem awfully wound up, Misato."

Dan: Something to do with Naga and the sheets, if I recall.

> He placed his hands on her shoulders, and began a light neck rub.  

>      She slapped his hands away.

Rick: And sent them flying across the room, spurting blood all the way.

> "Knock it off, buster.  I haven't forgiven you yet."

Rebecca: [Misato] Two tubs of ice-cream and a six pack should do the trick.

>      Shrugging, Kaji sat at the table, and began to eat.

>      "I think you need a big one."

Tsuneo: [Holds up a sign reading: Let's not go there]
Rebecca: That does it.

[Rebecca grabs Tsuneo's sign, rolls it up and whacks him with it. Tsuneo
grabs it of her and whacks her with it, then throws it away.]

Tsuneo: Happy?

>      Misato's hair stood on end.

Rick: That's quite an accomplishment, given how long it is.

>      Kaji looked down.  "No thanks, I already have one."

[Rebecca bursts out laughing]

> He pointed at
> the sausage on his plate. Misato stabbed him with her fork.

Rick: Cut-price Satanic sacrifices, up next on Springer.

> Then she thought about it, and stabbed him again, for good measure.

Dan [Bluebottle]: Pokey! Pokey pokey pokey!

>           Asuka had taken the seat directly across the square table from
> Rei, leaving Shinji to very reluctantly sit between them.

Dan: Is this fic going to keep on obsessing about where every one is sitting?

> Shinji seemed
> to be blushing a bit, as he aimlessly pushed his fork around in his
> breakfast.

Rick: Some of it pushed back.
Dan [Shinji]: How long have you had these sausages and potatoes, Misato?
Tsuneo: That's nice, but how about using your fork to push your breakfast
around?

> Asuka's breakfast was smouldering under the death glare she
> refused to let show in front of Kaji.

Rebecca: This one is getting really, really old.
Dan: So are the sausages.
Rick: Well, Kaji's at least. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]

> Rei calmly drank her tea.

Tsuneo: At the first opportunity, she was going to nip back home and write
a psychology paper on this.

>      Amelia sat at the table across from Shinji, still holding the plush
> Sailor Moon and Shinji dolls, beaming.

Dan: Say, was she holding them while serving?
Rebecca: [Nods]
Dan: So how did she... Actually, I won't bother.

> She served herself, Asuka and
> Shinji, but ran out before she got to Rei.  "Oh no, I'm all out.  Shinji,
> give Rei your meat."

Tsuneo: Where's that damned sign?

>      Asuka choked. Shinji froze. Rei raised an eyebrow in classic Spock
> fashion.

Rick: [Rei] Highly illogical.

> "I don't like meat." she replied.

Rick [Rei]: Except hamburgers. Hamburgers are good.
Rebecca: Seemed like she was interested in Shinji's "meat" last night.
[Tsuneo whacks her with a cushion.]

>      Asuka violently stabbed a sausage with her fork, and tore a piece off
> with her teeth.

[Rick, Tsuneo and Dan cross their legs.]

> "Well she's not getting anything from me!"

Rebecca: [Asuka] This isn't "Fate of the Children," dammit!

>      Amelia, deciding anything she didn't understand wasn't important,

Dan: She has a very low regard of the world.

> turned to Rei.

Rick: I see someone's been engaging in more Jusenkyo water pranks.

> "How did you sleep I slept very well I had a room all to
> myself Look at the cute things I found in there!"

Dan: Dot Warner?
Rebecca: A plushie Tarantulus?
Rick: Annie LaBelle?
Tsuneo: And without any punctuation too. I'm impressed.

> Amelia pushed the plush dolls into Rei's face.

Dan: [Rei] Do you mind, I'm trying to eat.

>      Asuka looked over, and blinked.  Then she blinked again, and her eyes
> became REALLY wide.

Rebecca: Almost as wide as Amelia's, even.

>      Shinji scratched his head.  "A room to yourself?  Well, you weren't in
> my room, or Misato's room, or the living room, that would only leave..."

Tsuneo: The kitchen, obviously.
Rick: How do you figure that?
Tsuneo: Well, Misato had a bed, Gaurry and Lina had a bed, Toji and Hikari had
a bed, Rei and Shinji had a bed and we're already running one over. So assuming
that someone slept on the living room floor, that leaves Amelia in the kitchen,
the bathroom or the entrance hall.
Dan: [Applauds]

>      Asuka gritted her teeth.

Rick: Grr, grit those teeth.

> "Exactly how is it 'Just' to take and wear
> other people's things?" I mean, these OBVIOUSLY aren't mine.  And I really
> doubt that they're Shinji's or Misato's.

Tsuneo: Misato owning a Sailor Moon doll would be too much of an in-joke even
for me.

> They must belong to the apartment's previous occupants.

Dan: Only if they were *really* sloppy about moving.
Rebecca: And why would they have a plushie Shinji?

> Yes,.... YES",

Rebecca: I want what she's having.

> she added as if to convince
> herself and the others. "IF that's the case, they must have been in a really
> hard to find spot in my room where no one would go looking for them

Rick: Save for Happosai, Mackie and a million EVA fanboys.

> Soooo..... maybeyoushouldjustleavethemwithmeforsafekeepingok?"   Asuka
> snatched the plush items,

Dan: Geez... Some people are so rude. You should ask politely before taking
something.

> clutching them possessively to her chest.

Dan: I have never so much in my life wanted to be a plushie Sailor Moon.

>      A silence fell across that end of the table.

Rebecca: The cone of silence?

> Amelia blinked slowly.
> "Ookay.  But they weren't really hidden.  They were just in a cardboard
> box hidden behind some stacks of 'Teen Heartthrob' magazines."

Rick: Asuka reads "Teen Heartthrob?" I thought she'd be more into "Guns &
Ammo".

>      Shinji, sensing a rare opening, attacked.

Dan [Shinji]: Yes! For once, I, Shinji Ikari, am going to be decisive and take
a stand!
Rick [Asuka]: Silence, Shinji!
Dan [Shinji, whimpering]: Yes mam.
Tsuneo: ...

> "The box wouldn't by any chance be labelled

Rebecca: Hamdingers?
Tsuneo: Caution: Radioactive Waste?

> 'Asuka's box of very private things, peek on penalty of
> horribly painful death;

Dan: Having to live with her? But Shinji's already suffering that!

> Shinji this means you'?"

>      Amelia thought for a moment.

Rick: Wheel's turning, but the hamster's dead.

> "I think so." She brightened.  "But I'm
> not Shinji, so I didn't think it meant me."
 
>      Asuka leapt to her feet, frustrated beyond the need to hide embarrassment.
> "I don't believe this!

Tsuneo: Neither do we, and we're reading it.

> Nobody around here gives me the least respect!

Rick: You wonder why?

> You touched my favourite things.  Nobody touches my favourite things!"

Dan: That line has some very, very dirty connotations.
Rebecca [Asuka]: Except Lisa Foster.
Tsuneo: Thanks for that [Hits her with a cushion]
Rick: Hang on, wasn't there something about Asuka and stuffed toys?
Tsuneo: Yeah. They went over that in episode 22, but it's a vital element
of her character so of course it's completely irrelevant here.

> Asuka
> felt a rubbing against her thigh.  She looked down, and found Pen Pen
> cuddling up against her.

Rick [Asuka]: What? You dare snuggle up to the great Asuka, you pitiful
flightless avian? WA-TAK!

>      "..."

Tsuneo: At last. A line I agree with.

>      Shinji put on a WWI helmet, and ducked under the table.

Rick: Good boy, Shinji.
Dan: Say, where'd he get the helmet from?
Tsuneo: This is what passes for humour in this fic. Sad, isn't it?

>      "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

>      "SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Half a dozen very hung over
> people hushed Asuka into next week.

Rebecca: Does that mean she's not going to be in the rest of the fic?
Rick [Dr Evil]: And there's a whole bag "Shhh" with your name on it.
Dan: And as for that scene, I've got just two words for it! [He stands
and crotch-chops] BAD TASTE! [He sits]

>      Later, the students and Misato were cleaning up after breakfast,
> and Kaji was taking the opportunity to shower and not shave his stubble.

Dan: Are you kidding? He has to keep it at regulation length.
Rick: Kaji and Shaggy. Separated at birth?

> There came a knock at the door, which Misato answered.  A small girl in
> a yellow dress frowned cutely up at her.  Misato looked confused. "Um.
> Yes?"

Rebecca [Hinako]: I live here!
Tsuneo [Hinako]: Do you remember me? I'm the pointless cameo from the first
chapter. I didn't do anything intelligent then, and I'm not doing anything
intelligent now. Bye!

>      "It's 10:30am.

Rick: Half past death.

> Do you know where your children are?"

Tsuneo: Caught in a crappy fanfic.
Dan: Her 6th Children?

> The girl asked in a sweet voice.

>      "Of course, they're right here.  They're getting ready for schoWHAT
> TIME DID YOU SAY IT WAS?"

Rick: Half past death.

> Misato grabbed Hinako's wrist,

Tsuneo: And threw her across the apartment.

> and stared at the watch.  "Oh hell!  I'm late!"

Dan: Ah, don't worry about it. There's no Angels scheduled for today.

> Misato grabbed a red

Rick: Starfleet uniform.

> jacket off the coat
> rack, and bolted out the door.  A moment later, a squeal of abused tires
> indicated she was well on her way to work.

Rebecca: And that everyone should stay off the roads.

> Hinako shrugged, and walked into
> the apartment.  The first person she found was Amelia.

Tsuneo: Hinako and Amelia? Now there's a meeting of the minds.

> Amelia stared at her,

Rick [Amelia]: Say, when you do that growing thing, how come your dress grows
with you?

> then yelled over her shoulder.

>      "Lina!

Tsuneo [Amelia]: The plot's here!
Rebecca: You've got to be joking.
Dan: And wouldn't that be "Miss Lina"?

> That girl with the really neat spell you want to learn is here!"
>  [camera cuts to the outside of the apartment.]

Rick: Oh, for crying... Who put WARenfeld in charge?
Dan: Stately Wayne manor.

>      "DELINQUENTS!"  *Ka-BOOOM!*

Tsuneo: That's right, we have a lot of sound effects, but nothing's actually
happening.
Rick: Kind of like federal parliament.

>      A few minutes later, a much more full-bodied Hinako

Dan: The miracles of Wonderbra.

> walked towards the
> school, leading the troupe of drained students.  They wore leg-irons, and
> were manacled together as a chain-gang.  

Rick: And if anyone's got any idea where those came from, raise their hands.
Rebecca: Maybe Mousse was hanging on to them for her.
Dan: NO!

>      Gaurry stumbled, and stared mournfully into the sky.

Tsuneo: [Gaurry] Why did I agree to this crappy fanfic?

> *My name is Gaurry Gabriev,

Rick: [Gaurry] And I'll be your host for the evening.

> and I am a slave.*

> -------------------------
> Another day at the office
> -------------------------

Rebecca: Note how they don't specify another *normal* day at the office.
Dan: Rampaging Angels, self-insertions, plot contrivances... You know,
stuff.

>      Misato dropped,

Rick: And gave the drill Sargent twenty.

> exhausted from running, into her chair.

Rebecca: *Plop.*

> She pushed the sleeves of the jacket up for the umpteenth time.

Rick: Don't tell me she got Dhalsim's jacket again.

> In her rush, she'd taken Gaurry's jacket, and it was a bit big for her.

Dan: It's a bit tight around the waist and a bit loose around the chest.
Tsuneo: I'm sure all this will be in the test.

>      Maya Ibuki gingerly walked in, and sat at her console with
> exaggerated care.  She was wearing dark sunglasses,

Dan: Guess who just joined the Brood.

> and seemed to be wincing a lot.

Rebecca: The dark glasses conveniently covered her identity. For it was
Maya's understudy; the real Maya had done a runner from the fic.

>      Misato smiled at Maya's well-recognized discomfort.

Rick: [Misato] I haven't seen that discomfort in years! He hasn't changed a
bit!

> "Rough night, Maya?"

Dan: [Maya] I can hope.

>      Maya fumbled in her desk, retrieving a bottle of Tokyo, uh, Tylenol-3.

All: Lame!

> She took two.

Tsuneo: And called Ritsuko in the morning.

> "Um. You could say that, Commander. 

Rebecca: [Misato] That.

> I drank a little more than I ought to have."

Rick: [Maya] I was fine until the pink elephants showed up.
Dan: Any more and she would have started writing fanfics.

>      "Oh really?" Misato jested, giving Maya a playful jab in the shoulder.

Rebecca: Nah, she's just having a hangover for the fun of it.

> "And how many would that be?"

Dan: [Maya] Well, you know Lake Michigan?
Tsuneo: [Misato] Yes.
Dan: [Maya] You know the Black Sea?
Tsuneo: [Misato] Yes.
Dan: [Maya] You know how much Sailor Moon routinely cries?
Tsuneo: [Misato] Um... Yes.
Dan: [Maya] More than that.

>      "Um, I had about eight Margaritas over the night... I think."  Maya
> looked a bit sheepish.

Rick: [Maya] I lost count after fifteen.

>      "Eight?  Is that all?

Dan: [Maya] Well that was only the first half-hour.

> Naga and I split a bottle of vodka,

Rebecca: Over Asuka's head.

> as well as who knows how many beer chasers, and look at me!"

Dan: No-one say anything, okay? Leave Misato with the tiny particle of
self-respect that separates her from Shinji.
Rebecca: [Maya] Uh, commander? There's a penguin on your head.

> Misato, in a show of comraderie,

Rick: Stormed the palace and executed all the nobles.

> threw a beer-buddy arm across Maya's shoulders,

Tsuneo: [Maya] Ugh... Don't breathe on me.

> and gestured wildly with her free arm.

Rebecca: Misato had a few too many this morning as well.

> "Ah, I remember the good old university days.

Dan: [Misato] Actually I don't, 'cause I was too drunk, but you get the
picture.
Rick: [Misato] We got drunk, took drugs, partied, experimented with sex,
went surfing, talked long and meaningfully about changing the world,
played RPGs... Once in a while, we even did some work.

> Why, I could count the days we didn't pass out on the
> fingers of one hand.

Dan: Well, if she could remember them.

> If I could remember them."

Dan: You get the picture.

>      Maya felt odd. 

Tsuneo: [Maya] She's scaring me!

> "Misato's got that whole

Rebecca: Fan service appeal?

> 'I can take on the world'
> attitude going again.  She's so... inspirational.  I feel like I could
> do anything with her.

Rick: Careful, Maya. Ritsuko will get jealous.

> Beside me."

Tsuneo: [Maya] Uh, did I just say all that out loud? Whoops...

>      Misato continued on, oblivious.

Dan: And this is different from normal because?

> "Yep, those were the days.

Rick: Ah, nostalgia. It's not what it used to be.

> Now we all have to be responsible.

Rebecca: [Misato] Well, apart from me.

> No more fun and games for me and Ritsuko.

Tsuneo: Are we gonna go there again? Please tell me we're not gonna go there
again.

> You should have seen her back then.  She was a wild thing,

Rick: Personally I have trouble believing that.

> always game to try something new."

Dan: [Misato] I mean, ping pong. Ping pong! I tell ya, she was reckless!
Rebecca: Face it. It's going there.
Tsuneo: Well they've overdone everything else to death, so why not?

> Misato casually leaned back in her office chair,

Rick: AAH! *CRASH!*
Dan: That's just a bit too far.

> stretching out her long legs, and crossing them on the desk in front of Maya.

Rick: Ooohhh...
Dan: Me see legs for miles and miles!

>      Maya stared, her mind going in circles.

Tsuneo: So's the fic, but never mind.

>      The doctor being discussed chose this moment to walk in.  "What are
> you babbling about now, Misato?"

Dan: Maybe you don't want to know.
Rebecca: [Misato] Melons. Damn! Damn, it slipped out!

>      "Oh, hey Rit-chan.

Tsuneo: "Rit-chan?" I think she had something more than just alcohol last
night.

> I was just reminiscing to Maya about our old school days together."

Rick: [Ritsuko] Misato, I refer you to that injuction I took out.

>      "Oh, really?" Dr. Akagi sat on the edge of the desk beside Misato's
> feet, her lab coat falling partially off of her shoulders.

Dan: Yeah, very nice fic, but even fan service won't get us on your side. Much.
Tsuneo: Looks like everyone got tanked last night.
Rick: [Fuyutski, deadpan] I've got a headache.
Rebecca: [Gendo, deadpan] Me too.

> Ritsuko smiled coyly, toying with her zipper pull ring.

Rebecca: [PA system] Paging Dr. pullring. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion.]

>      Maya was transfixed, staring wide-eyed as the scene before her played
> itself out.

Rick: [Maya] Hot damn.
Rebecca: Actually, Maya was thinking about something else playing out.

>      Ritsuko continued.  "Did you tell her about that time you and I got
> really, REALLY drunk,

Dan: [Ritsuko] And threw up all over our teacher? Oh, happy days!

> and went back to your dorm room?

Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] And played AD&D 'till the sun came up?

> We were so silly,

Rick: [Ritsuko] We wrote Marissa fics.

> we started to tickle each other, then you fell, tripping me too.

Rebecca: Simple minds, simple pleasures.

> We must
> have rolled around for five minutes getting our limbs sorted out,

Dan [Ritsuko]: Left foot green!

> and you
> ripped my dress." She absentmindedly trailed a finger over Misato's leg.

Tsuneo: And I thought the last scene was bad taste.
Rebecca: Dan, you're drooling again.
Dan: Oh, shut up.

>      Maya was turning blue,

Rick: [Maya] You will never forget the name of [Makes loud hacking noises]
Bluedust!

> afraid to breathe.

>      Misato frowned.  "Ritsuko, are you okay?  I don't remember that."

Dan: See? They must have been drunk!

>      Dr. Akagi started,

Rebecca: And took an early lead.

> and stood up, looking honestly baffled.  "Sorry,
> I'm under a lot of stress today.

Rick: [Ritsuko] I mean, there were two whole chapters yesterday. Two!

> Fixing Eva-01 after that fall,
> analysing that strange energy reading from the battle, and everything
> else.  You know how it is.  No rest for the wicked."

Tsuneo: Not that any of that would lead to hallucinations of your university
life as far as I can figure.
Rebecca: No, it's what else she was doing last night that's getting to her.

>      "Ah, I understand.  There's been a lot of weird going around lately.

Rick: Define "weird" around here.
Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] Shinji's being funny, Hikari's turned psychotic, Kaji's
alive, Unit 00 appeared out of nowhere, Asuka's collecting plush toys, EVA-
03's okay, Toji's got all his limbs, there's this twerp called Hinako
harassing the kids and Kensuke's a pilot. Oh yeah, and there's a bunch of
magicians wandering around unrealistically blowing up Angels, but that's
not important right now.

> More than usual I mean."

Tsuneo: What she said.

> Misato waved dismissively,

Rick: [Misato] Away with the peasant.

> and the left sleeve
> of the jacket fell down over her hand.  "Damn. This stupid jacket of
> Gaurry's is just too damn big."

>      Misato and Ritsuko stood up and headed for the door, planning to
> visit Ritsuko's lab to check on the latest data.

Tsuneo: [Ritsuko] They have the blood of reptiles, the constitution of
humans and come from the planet Delta. We don't have a clue what that
means, but as soon as we know, we'll tell you.

> While they walked, Misato went off on a rant.

Tsuneo: See above.

> "While I'm thinking about it, what the heck is with marketing?

Rick: [Misato] What is that "Rei sitting on Unit 00's head" thing meant
to be anyway?

> We're getting more inane every day.

Dan: I wanna frame that line. It's perfect.

> I mean, an Eva in a dress?  With a wand?

Rebecca: [Misato] What's next? A lame computer RPG?
Rick: [Misato] A mini-prog knife pocket knife?
Dan: [Misato] A model kit of an EVA that didn't even appear which is
just a recolour of a different model?
Tsuneo: ...

> I dread to see what they're going to throw at us next."

All: Foreshadowing!

>       Maya missed the conversation, lost in her own thoughts.  "What
> in blazes was that all about??

Rebecca: We have no idea either.

> That was even stranger than what
> happened between Asuka and that blond last night.

Dan: [Maya] And just as out-of-character.

> Come to think of it
> though, it was the same kind of strange.  Could the two be connected?

Rick: [Maya] Where am I pulling this garbage from?

> What was different about Misato that would cause Dr. Akagi to act that
> way?"

Rebecca: [Maya] And where do I get some of it?

>      Ritsuko smiled at Misato.

Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Your place or mine?
Rick: Don't encourage them.

> "Hey, look on the bright side.

Dan: Issei could be writing.

> At least
> they didn't summon that stupid multi-part combiner robot those idiot
> Americans are working on."  The two left the room.

Tsuneo: I'm hoping... No, I'm damn well *praying* that that wasn't just a
lame excuse for foreshadowing!

>      Maya leapt to her feet, knocking the Tylenol bottle to the floor.
> "THE JACKET!"

Tsuneo: Told you this would be in the test.

> ------------------------------------
> Kozo's been a naughty extra
> ------------------------------------

Rick: He's been getting lines, for crying out loud.
Rebecca: Bad Fuyutski! You'll be the first to die when End of Evangelion
happens... If at all, at this rate.

>      The rhythmic steps reverberated off the walls of the cold, empty
> hallway that lead to

Dan: The dentist.

> the office of Gendo Ikari.

Dan: Well, it's almost as painful.
Rebecca: Only people vital to the plot may enter this office. Go away,
Fuyutski.

> He always hated this long walk.

Rick: Kinda like being told to go to the principal's.

> He had hated his job ever since the maniacal Gendo Ikari had
> stepped into his life.

Tsuneo: Tells you how much they know about EVA.

> "Why did I stay on?", he asked himself; as if the
> echoing walls would provide an answer.

Rebecca: [Fuyutski] I had a real job, you know.

> "Because I thought I could make a difference,

Rick: [Kirk] I take it... the... situation is... desperate... and the...
odds... are stacked... against...

> that I could guide NERV away from this path of ultimate self
> -destruction and reason Gendo into an alternate course of action....

Rick: [Kirk] Us.

> but mostly for the benefits package.

Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] It sure beats working retail.
Dan: [Fuyutski] Oh yeah, and the babes are hot.

> Oh well, time to face the music."

Rebecca: [Fuyutski] And it's Celene Dion, damn him!

>      Pressing his hand against the electronic pad,

Rick: Tweedlesquirge.
Dan: Tweedlesquirge?
Rick: It's the sound doors make in Star Trek.
Dan: Uh, okay...
Rebecca: [Fuyutski] Damn pad's always cold first thing in the morning.

> Fuyutsuki waited for
> the automatic door to slide open.  Thereupon, he entered the office of
> his superior, the Supreme Tactical Commander of NERV, Gendo Ikari.

Tsuneo: Fuyutski entered Gendo's office.
Rebecca: The desk contained a selection of sex toys, old lunches, a "Hello
Kitty" alarm clock, a copy of "white box" Mekton, the first draft of his
autobiography "The World and I," an untouched parenting book, a Dilbert
desktop calendar, a photo of Mrs. Akagi, a folded black poncho with big red
hands on it and a gun that makes people explodded.

>      "Gendo? Gendo?"  He was answered by silence.  It was only mid-morning
> so the sun lay to the East.

Rick: Of course, since this is in the geofront...

> The light that entered the room provided ample room for concealment.

Dan: So Gendo's using his hide in shadows skill again.
Rebecca: Ah, that Gendo. Hides behind his desk to surprise visitors. What a
fun guy.

> "Computer, illuminate room." 

>      Nothing.

Rick: Try the light switch, dope.

>      "Oh right, I'm not in a Star Trek fic.".

Dan: Uh... Huh?
Rebecca: So... So why... I mean... You know... Huh?
Tsuneo: You lost me.
Rick: Maybe he just mistook a passing avatar for Marissa.

> He flicked the light switch
> to the 'on' position.  Lights brightened the entire room.

Dan: You'd hope so.
Tsuneo: He switched on the lights.

> The room was devoid of life, save himself.

Rick: And the cockroaches, but they don't count.

> Walking over to Gendo's desk, he came across 3 items of interest:

Rebecca: He left his Dilbert calendar out.

> A note addressed to him, a sealed envelope
> and a tape recorder.  The instructions on the note were simple, "Play tape.
> Open envelope afterwards."

Rick: [Fuyutski] Gee, I wonder what he wants me to do?

>      Fuyusuki depressed the play button.

Dan: [Gendo] If you are hearing this, I am dead.

>      " [static hiss]..... Oh, Oh Gendo!... OH! Oh, you're not recording
> this are you?...", declared a taped voice that sounded suspiciously like
> Dr. Akagi.

Rebecca: Like who would it be? On second thoughts, don't answer that.

> "Would you care to try an 'insertion plug' test, dear?" said Gendo.

All: ...

> Kozo decided to fast-forward.

Tsuneo: Silly me, I thought we'd gotten through all the bad taste in this fic.
There was certainly enough of it in that opening scene.

>      "[the squeaky fast-forward resolved itself into a young male's voice]
> ..... Oh, Oh Gendo!... OH! Oh, keep it down, someone will hear you! Are you
> sure you're not recording this?...".

All: ...

> Fuyusuki decided to fast-forward, again; quickly.

Dan: Let's *definitely* not go there.

>      There is a long period of silence, then tone. "Is this thing on?...
> Hello? Testing 1-2-3. Good Morning Mr. Phelps. What? *mumbling off in the
> background* Oh. Sorry. Wrong script.

Tsuneo: Yes, it's not funny already, get it over with.

> Here we go. Good morning Kozo." said the recording of Gendo's voice.

Rebecca: No, he'd suddenly just popped into his office to say good morning.
Of course it's the bloody recording!
Dan: Gendo's starting off cheery. Something's wrong.

> "I'm sorry that I could not be there to deliver this message in person,

Rick [Gendo]: But there was a sale on and I just had to be there.

> but I am required on a procurement mission for the Seele Council

Dan: They need new Zimmer frames.

> for new equipment that may prove useful to us

Rebecca: "Us" being him and Ritsuko. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion]

> in future marketing ploys.

All: Forshadowing!

> In the meantime,

Rick [Gendo]: You will stand behind my desk and do nothing.

> you have some duties that must be attended to."

Rebecca: Like setting the MiBs on a certain two hacks who have written bad
fanfics? Please?
Rick: And finding new things they can stick Rei's face all over. And some new
skimpy outfit for her to wear for the next promo poster.

>      "Oh, just peachy." thought Fuyusuki.

Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] That's right, I see all work as nothing more than an
annoyance!

>      "To begin with, you will be in charge of masking my absence while
> I am not present.

Dan: Does this mean he's gonna have to stand behind the desk *and* sit at it?

> You have no authority to do anything or sign any orders without my permission.

Rick [Gendo]: If an angel attacks, you're screwed.

> I expect you'll not have any trouble with that. 

Rebecca: Well, since he's been given an order to basically do nothing...

>     "WHAT! Why have you stripped all my power you infernal machine!"
> Kozo smacked the hand held recorder in his rage.

Dan: [Fuyutski] Curse you, tape recorder! I hate you even more!

>     "The reason for your current state of 'authoritative impotency' stems
> from the decision you reached yesterday concerning our current pilots
> 'extracurricular activities'.

Dan: Even though Gendo had to okay it.
Rick: Hey, his primary job as commander is to shift the blame.

> We received the bill this morning.

Rebecca: Even Nerv fears Planet Hollywood.
Dan: *Ahem!*
Rebecca: Okay, Planet Hollywood-2. Happy?

> You may open the envelope now if you wish."

Rick: This may not be a good thing to do if you have a heart condition.

>     "Hrmph! And what makes you think that I didn't open it already you
> putz?" Fuyusuki replied as he tore open the letter.

>     "Because through the diligent service of my MIB's

Rebecca: Oh, wonderful. Ginger and Salt 'N' Pepper.
Dan: No, these are *real* MiBs.
Rick: No Will Smith then.

> I know everything Kozo."

Tsuneo: [Gendo] I even know the secret of the Crying Game.

> said the well-timed recording. "I even know about your, shall we say,
> 'preferred form of undergarment'?" 

All: Pink with little blue bears.

>      Fuyusuki could just picture the MIB's delivering their report to
> Gendo as he listened over his steepled fingers; ending their commentary
> with the words, 'pink, with little blue bears'.

Tsuneo: Okay, it wasn't funny the first time, it *still* wasn't funny the
second time, it *definitely* wasn't funny the third time and it's not funny
here! GET A CLUE!

>      "In any event, since I approved the event under YOUR advisement,

Rick: There you go: blame shifted.
Dan: Isn't a commander meant to be responsible for all decisions made?
Rebecca: Why else do you reckon he bogs off to parts unknown on a regular
basis?

> I've
> delegated the responsibility of receiving the punishment to you as well.

Tsuneo: Face it, Fuyutski. You've been screwed by a lame plot element.
Rebecca: What, Washington? [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion so hard it bursts]

> Because of this extravagant bill, you will be given no pay for the next
> 3 months. Furthermore you will have to pay for this incurred cost out of
> your own savings.

Dan: So he has to pay for it himself *and* go without pay? Why?
Rick: Hope the world ends first, Fuyutski. In fact, better nip down to
Terminal Dogma and see about that right now.

> But, to end on a positive note, I've recorded the latest
> concert from Michael Bolton on this tape,

Rick: Well there you go. They're shoving their musical tastes down our throats.

> so... enjoy! Back in a couple of weeks. Love, Gendo Ikari"

>      "200,000,000 Yen!" he read. "This is intolerable!" 

Tsuneo: How'd they rack up a 200,000,000 Yen bill?
Rick: At Planet Hollywood? Order a small meal.
Dan: At least it's not in *Yens.*

> 	Just then, the Michael Bolton music began to play, and Fuyutsuki
> corrected himself, "on second thought, THIS is intolerable." 

All: Here, here!

>      "I, Kozo Fuyutsuki, voted most likely to be made an 'extra' in an
> Evangelion fic by my graduating class,

Rebecca: Actually, he was voted second most likely to be left *out* of an
EVA fic and first one to die in End of EVA.

> do hereby promise, nay, SWEAR that I
> shall have my revenge on Commander Gendo Ikari!"

Rick: I'm sure he's terrified.
Tsuneo: This fic amazes me more by the second by attaining new heights of
badness and stupidity.

>      "Oh, by the way Kozo. This message will self destruct in 5 seconds."

Dan: That we do not need. Can we just leave *one* single stupid joke behind?

>      "You must be kidding."

Rebecca: Think about it. This *is* Gendo here.

>      [Camera cuts to the outside of NERV HQ.]

Rick: Dammit, is WARenfeld in charge *again?*

> *Ka-BOOOM!*. Cutting back we
> see Kozo, holding the tape and bill in one hand. The other hand (and indeed
> that half of his body) is now a pleasant crispy black. "Perhaps not."

Dan: Guess not.

> -----------
> School Daze
> -----------

All: Second impact.

>      The motley crew stood outside their classroom, each holding buckets of
> water.  Lina grumped

Tsuneo: I see they're outside DJ Croft's English class.

> at the world in general.

Rebecca: And when Lina grumps, the world suffers.

> "Well here we are with placards around our necks,

Rick: Is this a class or a protest rally?

> described as a bunch of hostile, disruptive
> students with no regard for authority.

Dan: And they hardly even know you!

> That's some reputation."

Rebecca: And entirely deserved.

>      Shinji stretched his sore arms.

Rick: Shinji Ikari *is* mister fantastic!
Rebecca: I guess that makes Rei the Invisible Girl, Asuka the Human Torch and
Toji is *definitely* the Thing.
Tsuneo: ...

> "Well, at least we're not described
> as a bunch of hostile, disruptive students with no regard for human life."

Dan: Maybe they don't know you *that* well.

>      Asuka hit him with a bucket.

Rick: TOGG!

>      "See?" Shinji sighed.

>      Gaurry scratched his nose with a free finger.  "Can you tell me why
> are we holding buckets?"

Dan: Don't you know? It's *the* in thing at the moment in France!

>      Hikari looked at him funny.  "How far out of town are you from?  

Dan: Wyoming?
Rick: No-one's from *that* out of town.
Tsuneo: ...

> This is a traditional punishment in all Japanese schools."

Rebecca: And people wonder about that youth suicide rate...
Dan: I'm so glad I never went to school.

>      The default professor

Rick: Let professor equal really dull old guy.

> suck his head out from the classroom

Dan: On a pole.

> at the 'disruptive' bunch

Rebecca: The Disruptive Bunch: Coming this fall.

> as the remainder of the class began to file out. "Well,
> it's just about lunchtime. You might as well head off to have your lunch;

Rick: What kind of punishment is that? They have to stand outside the class,
but get to go to lunch.
Tsuneo: A very badly written one.
Dan: Ah, but you haven't seen what's for lunch.

> I hear they're serving Mystery Meat today with extra grey sauce."

Tsuneo: Yes, but what's to eat?

>      Kensuke, not quite over the effects of last night turned grey.

Rick: Guess he don't like the corn bread either.

>      They teacher went on, "Well, then again, there's always the Soylent
> Green."

Rebecca: There's *always* soylent green.
Dan: And for those of you who have ever wondered what they do with dead
angels...

>      Kensuke turned green.

Rick: Hey, try that again! Let's see if we can get him to turn plaid.

>      "Not up for solid foods eh?

Dan: Not that either of those count as food.

> Well here," trying to be helpful to the
> obviously suffering student. "You can have my Mr. Pibb."

Tsuneo: Anyone would think someone was sponsoring this fic.
Rebecca: Yeah, what's with this fic? No matter where you go, there's a Pibb.

>      No one saw Kensuke leave.

Dan: The Kensuke is faster than the eye.

> There was only a blur that headed in the general direction of the bathroom.

Tsuneo: Along with the fic, but never mind.

> The rest of the gang shrugged, and
> headed to lunch, Gaurry snagging the Pibb on the way.

Rick: What's with this Pibb fixation these guys have?

>      Lunch was, thankfully, uneventful.

Tsuneo: Just like the rest of the chapter so far, but we haven't skipped
that.

> The students dutifully filed into the room,

Rebecca: And braced for Second Impact.

> and sat at their desks.  What was odd was the teacher was
> acting uncharacteristically nervous.

Rick: More like uncharacteristically paying attention.
Tsuneo: Now now, Rick, don't sink to their level.
Rick: I would stop this Second Impact joke if the show had.
Tsuneo: What, you'd stop blowing minor lines all out of proportion?
Rick: Exactly.
Tsuneo: Like I said, don't sink to their level.

> He fidgeted, loosened his collar, and cleared his throat.

>      "Your attention please.

Dan: Citizens of Earth, your attention please.

> I have just been informed by the
> administration that my methods of teaching have failed to meet the
> expectations and requirements laid out in the guidelines.

Rebecca: [Teacher] I don't know why they told me this after lunch break,
but never mind.
Rick: And it only took them what, two years to notice?
Dan: Hey, it's a public school. He's a good example.

> I'm to go in for a refresher course.

Tsuneo: In one of those nice, friendly labour camps.

> In the meantime, your class will be taught by this man."

Rick: Oh dear. They let Mr. Fujisawa teach again.
Tsuneo: Don't tempt fate.
Dan: Knowing our luck, it'll be principal Kuno.

> The teacher gestured to the door,

Rebecca: Hey, I know you don't like the new teacher, but isn't that going
a bit too far?

> and a scruffy looking man wearing a lab coat

All: AAH! IT'S DOCTOR FORRESTER!

> walked in and proceeded to the front of the room.

Dan: Actually he went to the back of the room, proving his true teaching
capabilities.

>      Murmurs ran through the class.  "A substitute?", " You mean the
> old fart got canned?",

Rick: Didn't he just say that?

> "Does this mean we're actually going to have to study?",

Dan: [Student] You mean we're gonna stop running this whole "Second
Impact" joke into the ground?

> "Where are his eyes?",

Tsuneo: Try in his head, where they usually are.

> "Yeah, and how does he get that
> cigarette to levitate in front of his mouth?"

Dan: That's easy. Anyone can do that.

>      The scruffy man smiled.  "Hello, class.  I'm Professor Kyusaku,

Tsuneo: Oh look, it's random pointless cameo man.

> and I'll be teaching your class for a while.  According to our records,

Rebecca: Stuff has happened, and it wasn't cool.

> your education has been lacking in both the literary and scientific arts.

Rick: [Hick] And dang it, they don't learn nuthin' neither.

> So to try to correct those problems,

Dan: We're firing the writers!
All: Hooray!

> I'm instituting two special projects.

Rebecca: The Manhattan project and the Z plan.

> First, for the literary angle, we will be studying and performing a play.

Rick: With their luck, they'll get Strictly Ballroom.

> For science, a team science project."

Rick: Shinji could do that. He could ask his dad for help.
Dan: [Shinji] For my science project, I will attempt to cause Third Impact
under lab conditions.

>      This revelation was met with shock and a profound silence by the
> students.  Toji was the first to get his jaw working.  "But- but- but
> plays are girls stuff!"

Rebecca: Oh come on, Toji. This is the twenty-first century. Be cosmopolitan.

>      Toji's hair began to smoulder as he was bracketed by twin glares
> of doom from Asuka and Hikari.

Tsuneo: Ah yes, the psychopathic sister I remember so well.

>      "Okay, now we're going to have a vote to decide what play we
> should do.

Rick: Don't you know? All schools do Cinderella for a play.
Rebecca: Couldn't they do King Lear instead?

> Please write your suggestions on paper and put them in this
> bowl."  Kyusaku walked around the room, collecting the slips of paper. 
> He brought them to the front, and counted them.  Slightly more than half
> of the class voted for Snow White,

Dan: I'd love to know why.
Tsuneo: Quiet, Dan! Don't slow the plot any more!

> with Mystery Kung-Fu Ninja Action Theatre a close second.

Rick: E tu, Kensuke?
Dan: Are you kidding? He voted for "Top Gun."

> And there was one vote for Waiting for Godot.  

Rebecca: Not to mention Asuka's vote for "Silence of the Lambs."

> Everyone in class stared at Rei. 

All: [Rei] What?

> "What?"

Dan: These two are so predictable.

>      Kyusaku rubbed his scraggly chin.  "Okay, so it looks like we're
> doing Snow White then. Now, I realize that everyone will want to play
> the main characters,

Dan: Are you kidding? I'd go for "woodsman," myself. He gets one scene,
then sits down for the rest of the thing.

> but that just isn't possible. So, for lack of a
> more fair way to do it, I've put all the girls names into this bowl,

Rebecca: Should we make another Kensuke joke here?
Rick: Nah.

> and all the guys in this one.  We'll simply draw for roles and
> understudies."

Tsuneo: Of course, you could audition the class and see who's best to
play which role, but logic's way overrated anyway.
Rick: You could do it the way my school did. They handed the lead roles
to whoever had the most merit badges.
Rebecca: Don't you mean whoever had the richest parents?
Rick: Same thing, generally.

> A sense of terrible foreboding settled over the class.

Dan: Although it's always there in EVA anyway, so no-one noticed.

>      Shinji slapped a hand to his forehead as the teacher wrote the
> available roles on the blackboard

Tsuneo: I never knew there were "Ninjas 1-3" in Snow White.

> (including rock #1-#3, trees #1 and #2,

Rick: The stars of the show.

> and numerous extraneous extras).

Dan: More extraneous than rocks?
Rick: Like I said, they're the stars of the show.

> "Oh this is going to be baaaad."

Tsuneo: But you knew that when you signed up for the fic anyway.

>      "Okay, starting with the most desired role.  Snow White will be
> played by-urk-" Kyusaku grimaced as Asuka, out of sight, applied a
> nasty nerve pinch.  "Uh-Miss Langley-Soryuu."

Tsuneo: That whole bit is so fundamentally wrong in so many ways that
I'm not even going to start.
Rick: I guess we'll be going for a more modern interpretation of Snow
White.
Rebecca: Define "modern." Or don't I want to know.
Rick: You don't.

>      "What?  Little ol' me?" Asuka happily bounced back to her seat,

Dan: Asuka has never bounced happily in her life. At least *try* to
characterise them properly.

> followed by withering glares from most of her female classmates.

Rebecca: [Student] First opportunity, the German dies.

>      "Um.  Right.  Understudy to the role will be..."

Rebecca: Ranma Saotome.

> Kyusaku checked the slip.  "Miss Inverse."

Rick: Yeah, sure. I can see that working.

>      Amelia smiled at her friend.

Tsuneo: Well that rules out Lina.

> "How perfect Miss Lina!  Nobody
> will be able to tell if you have to trade places with miss Asuka!" 

Dan: Apart from everyone with eyes.

> Lina just sighed and put her head in her hands.

Dan: I'm with her.

>      "The wicked queen will be played by Miss Amelia Saillune." 

Tsuneo: There had to be something wrong with this random casting method.

> Many, many jaws hit the floor.

>      "But, but," Amelia's eyes filled with tears, "I can't play the
> wicked queen.

Tsuneo: Except to diabetics, that is.

> Being wicked is unjust.  I don't know how to be unjust!"

>      "...understudied by," Kyusaku squinted at the paper, scratched
> his head, and shrugged. "Miss Great White Serpent."

Dan: Oh, at least try!
Rick: She'd have that role pretty much down pat. And she could save on
costumes too.

>      Naga shot to her feet.

All: Boingy boingy boingy boingy boingy.

> "What!?  I, the great Naga, greatest rival of Lina Inverse,

Rick: [Naga] Heir to the throne of Essex, future queen of the- Wait a
sec, wrong script.

> am to be an UNDERSTU-"WHACK! Naga toppled
> over backwards as a piece of high-velocity chalk ricocheted off the
> bridge of her nose.

[They all applaud]

> The rest of the class became very well behaved.

Rebecca: After the sudden outbreak of cheering, that is.

>      Kyusaku adjusted his cigarette,

Rick: The reception was terrible.

> and picked up a new piece of
> chalk.  "If we can continue? The Mirror will be played by Miss
> Ayanami, understudied by

Dan: Mousse.

> Miss Hikari Horaki."  Rei just nodded, but
> Hikari looked nervous, and bit her lip.

>      "For the male roles, Prince Charming will be understudied by
> Mr. Gabriev."  

Tsuneo: Dramatic pause, given he announces the understudy first for a
change.
Dan: Hey, he can't get that role too wrong. He's only in one scene.
Tsuneo: This *is* Gaurry, you know.

>      Asuka got a wild gleam in her eye.

Rebecca: Aah, she's been possessed by the Red-Eye!

> "Oh he will, will he?  I imagine he'll bring his own props, too..."

Rebecca: Take that how you will.

> Another fine Asuka plot began to gestate.

Tsuneo: Yes, I remember all the cunning, scheming plans she made in
the series.
Dan: [Asuka] And then I'll rule the world! BWAHAHAHAHA! Er, why is
everyone looking at me?

>      "The actual role of Prince Charming will be played by..."

Rick: Kensuke, just to auger that one in a little more?
Rebecca: He'd be almost as bad as the rest of the casting.

> Time
> seemed to slow.  Every male student had the same thoughts running
> through their head.

Dan: Mmm... Naga...

> Asuka was Snow White.  Prince Charming gets to kiss Snow White.

Rick: Eew, cooties!

> That would mean kissing Asuka.

Tsuneo: Well duh.
Rebecca: Think this through, guys. It may not be a good thing.

> It was a
> wonderful prospect, save for the fact that it might be the last
> thing Prince Charming ever did.

Tsuneo: Because, as we all remember, she's a psychopath.
Rick: She isn't?
Tsuneo: *No,* Rick.

> Who would be the 'lucky' man?

Rebecca: So this is a new definition of "lucky" I was previously unaware
of?

>      "...Shinji Ikari."

>      Shinji's head fell to his desk with a bang.  "Figures."

Rick: Shinji, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

>      "Because of the small size of this class, I think we should mix
> the Dwarves as both boys and girls."

Dan: Even though you've got no other male roles, and you're still casting
rocks.

> Kyusaku began rattling off
> roles and names.  Most were uninspired, but there were a few
> serendipitous selections.

>      "Whaddaya mean I gotta be Grumpy?" Toji fumed.  Well, duh.

Tsuneo: ...Strangely apt.

> --------------------------------------
> Where Angels Fear^H^H^H^HLike to Tread
> --------------------------------------

Rick: Need to fix that typewriter.

>      The Great C'Thulu, unchallenged lord of icky, nasty things
> everywhere,

Dan: Except for Nickelodeon, that is.
Rebecca: Devourer of 1D3 people every turn.

> adjusted his reading glasses and shuffled some papers on his desk.

Rick: Okay, hands up anyone here who has no troubles imagining C'Thulu
wearing reading glasses?

> "According to this Memo,

Tsuneo: It says "We are to cut down on pointless memos, starting."

> the powers that be are
> unsatisfied with this committee's efforts of late.

Dan: Well, after Issei, Bloantualhell, Ahuatdahell and all those Invadors,
wouldn't you be?

> We're being
> assigned two observers, who will report back on our work.  They also
> have advisory authority."

Rebecca: Pointless cameo time again.
Rick: At this rate, it'll be the Master and Torgo.
Dan: They'd add some talent to this fic.

>      Sachiel slouched in his chair.  "Oh sure, 'advisory authority'.
> That means we have to pander to these buttinskis or we get tanked."

Dan: So... If you're not nice to them... They get you drunk?

> Sachiel rattled the icebergs in his water glass.

Rick: I want to know how Sachiel is meant to drink.
Tsuneo: Rick?
Rick: Yes?
Tsuneo: Shut up.

> "This wouldn't
> have happened if we hadn't been relying on Frink's gizmo."

>      "Gizmo?  I'll give you such a wa-hey zing ka-pow for gizmo!
> The Frinkotron is the most state-of-the-art device

Tsuneo: More like state of the kitchen floor.

> for collating,
> cross-referencing and extrapolating data on the terror-inducing
> qualities of Angel names ever built!

Dan: No, for that you want a Scrabble set.

> Powered by a linked pair of S-2 engines,

Rebecca: It only occasionally warps the fabric of reality.

> it can do fifteen scadzillion uber-flops a fortnight!

Rick: I see they've finally found a relevant measure of computer speed.

> And it runs linux!"

Rebecca: Yes, but does it have a penguin on top of it?

>      Before the discussion could degenerate into a brawl

Rick: And Cthulu started on those D3's again.

> (or, more likely, Sachiel just stepped on Frink),

Dan: Go Sachiel.

> the doors to the room creaked open,

Tsuneo: Man, it took ages to get that creak right. Do you know how hard
it is to selectively rust those hinges?

> drawing the committee's attention.  There didn't seem
> to be anyone there.

Rick: Oh cool. We can all go home now.

>      "Down here."

Rebecca: Oh, so it's Danny Devito then?

>      C'Thulu looked down.  He still didn't see anyone.

>      "No, further down."

>      C'Thulu looked right at the floor, squinting to make out the
> shapes there.  They appeared to be lab mice... with M&M's glued to
> their chests.

Tsuneo: Cue mind-blowingly moronic cameo number... Um... I've lost
count.

>      C'Thulu rubbed his temples.  He felt a headache coming on.
> "Aren't you a bit short for Angels?"

Rebecca: Just a few hundred times too short.

>      The large-headed of the pair spoke.  "It's a trick of
> perspective.

Rick: It's what they use to make the monsters big on Power Rangers.
Dan: Damn modern art.

> I'm actually just very far away."

>      Sachiel pulled out a pair of opera glasses

Tsuneo: I'm trying, but I just can't imagine that.

> to help him see the
> new arrivals.  "Do you two have names?"  He asked incredulously.

Rick: Do they really believe angels are this stupid?

>      "I," spoke the large-headed one, "am Brainiel.  This is my
> associate, Pinkyel."

Tsuneo: Yes, remember all angel names have to end with -el, including the
ones that don't.

>      "Narf." The skinny one waved.

Rebecca: First intelligent thing anyone's said all fic.

>      Frink, not trusting his eyes, took his glasses off, polished
> them, put them back on, and looked again.  "YOU are an Angel?"

Rick: [Brain] Actually, I'm a lab mouse with an M&M glued to my chest
as part of an elaborate scheme that will allow me to take over the world.

>      "Actually, I'm a lab mouse with an M&M glued to my chest as
> part of an elaborate scheme that will allow me to take over the
> world."

Rebecca: Well done, Rick.
Rick: It was easy.

>      Sachiel shook his head in wonder.

Dan: Now that I wanna see.

> "Wow.  You sound totally convincing.

Dan: Man, what planet are you on- Er, never mind.

> I wish I could think of cunning plans to infiltrate NERV
> like that.  All I could think of was to take them head on."

Tsuneo: [Sachiel] Of course, I'm sixty meters tall which kinda limits
my options, but never mind.
Rick: He could have tried applying for a job there. When they turn him down,
he can cry foul and run to the anti-discrimination board.
Rebecca: Works for me.

>      C'Thulu clapped his hands for attention.

Rick: When Cthulu talks, people listen. Understanding is another matter.

> "Enough chit-chat.
> Now that we're all here, we should get to the matter at hand."

Tsuneo: [Sachiel] Sorry. Forgot there was a story going on.
Dan: You tend to.

> The
> Great Old One pushed a button on his desk.  "Please send in the next
> candidate, Ms. Moneypenny."

Tsuneo: Number I-can't-remember plus one.

>      The titanic door to the committee chamber swung open, and the
> latest Angel walked in.

Rick: It was four feet tall, had green hair and distressingly tight
shorts.

> It, like many of its predecessors (Sachiel
> included) was shaped as a caricature of the human form.

Dan: [Sachiel] I resent that remark! And so does Issei.

> In this case,
> four rubbery limbs stretched from a spherical torso, with another
> sphere on top for the head.

Rebecca: It's the Michelin Man!
Rick: No, it's the Stay Pufft marshmallow man.

> The hands and feet were plump and
> oversized, the hands having three chubby fingers and a thumb each.
> The head was decorated garishly, with a clownish mockery of a human
> face, including pointed, curly tufts of 'hair' that jutted out of
> either side of the head.

Dan: Well that's either Krusty or Doink. And either way, I don't want to
know.

> As it entered, the committee realized that
> despite its enormous size and mass, it moved in utter silence.

Dan: Now this sounds awfully familiar.

>      The committee watched it approach, and waited for it to identify
> itself.

Rebecca: [Angel] Hi! My name is Bobbiel, and I'll be your Angel for this
chapter.

> It stopped before them and stood there, silent and unmoving.
> This went on for a while.  Frink coughed uncomfortably.

Rick: [Frink] Do I actually get to do anything this chapter? Just
wondering.

>      C'Thulu leaned over (and down) to whisper to Brainiel.  "I
> wasn't expecting this.

Dan: He wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition either.

> Is this some new procedure I've not been informed of?"

Tsuneo: Beauracracy strikes!

>      Brainiel rubbed his chin in consternation.  "If so, I have not
> been informed, either."

>      The new Angel, seemingly out of boredom, changed positions.  It
> stuck its right elbow out, crossed its legs,

Rebecca: And began chanting in tongues.

> and proceeded to
> alternately examine and buff on its chest the backs of its fingers.

Rick: It's a figgin' mime.
Rebecca: Kill it.

>      Sachiel would have blinked in confusion if it had eyelids.

Tsuneo: Can and does.

>      "Ooh, ooh!" Pinkyel hopped up and down.  "I know this one!
> Leaning on a ledge, right?"

>      The new Angel smiled, nodded, and proceeded to another set of
> actions.

Dan: Um... Wringing a politician's neck!

>      "Climbing a rope?"

>      Nod.

Rebecca: Recalculating relativity.

>      "Walking down stairs?"

>      Nod.

Tsuneo: That one's... Oh, that's just immature!

>      "Feeding spaghetti to an elephant?"

Rick: I wanna see that.

>      Nod.

Rebecca: GDI even.

>      "Gosh, I'm good at this!"

>      The remainder of the Angel naming committee was dumbstruck.

Tsuneo: Yeah, funny that.

>      Frink's jaw worked uselessly for a while,

Rick: [Frink] Damn that long-lasting gum.

> but he managed to
> squeak out: "Wah-ho.  It's a- it's a- it's a silent street
> performing clown of the French tradition, yang wah-hey pow."

Rick: He sounds almost as excited as we are.

>      Brainiel's eyes filled with horror.  "It's a MIME."

Dan: I think we can safely say that everyone else has done the
"mimes are evil" joke to death already.

>      C'Thulu slumped in his chair, and buried his tentacles in
> his hands.

Rebecca: You know, he may be the ultimate incarnation of evil in the universe,
but there's some things even he can't take.

> "I think I can safely say we're all agreed on a name for.. for THAT."

>      Four voices spoke in unison, there was only one dissenter.

>      "Marcel"

>      "Zort!"

Rick: I agree!
Dan: He said it best.

> --------------------
> The play's the thing
> --------------------

Rebecca: To be humiliated in front of your parents, that is.
Rick: At least Shinji hasn't got anything to worry about.

>      The following Saturday, the pilots walked towards the school,
> where a rehearsal of the play was scheduled.

Dan: I sense imminent disaster.
Rebecca: Maybe the Angel will attack and save us all.

> This was also the first day they would try on their costumes.

Tsuneo: Remember, Naga and Amelia have to share a costume.
Rick & Dan: AARGH!

>      "Hey, Shinji, nice jacket." Toji remarked as he came up
> alongside the third child.

>      Shinji looked at the red jacket tossed casually over his
> right shoulder, and shrugged.  "This? This is Gaurry's.

Tsuneo: [Shinji] Maya's been obsessing over it for a few days, but
nothing's actually come of that.

> Misato finally remembered she'd taken it by accident,

Rebecca: Although she'd been enjoying all the "accidents" it caused with
Ritsuko.
Tsuneo: Rit-chan?

> so she sent it with me since I'll be seeing him today."

>      "That was a good idea." Hikari remarked, without looking.

Tsuneo: And since when was she a pilot?
Rick: Don't go there. Just... Don't.

>      "Whatever." Shinji sighed in a familiarly disaffected (yet,
> somehow, much cooler than normal) way.

Rebecca: Remember folks, the jacket is guilty.
Dan: I'd love to know *how* or *why* or little things like that.

>      As they approached the auditorium, they noticed a crowd of
> girls milling around the entrance.

Dan: It's B-Ko and her thugs and they're out for blood!

> The girls were whispering and giggling to each other,

Rebecca [Schoolgirl]: Toothpicks.

> and seemed to be holding coil notebooks.
> Then the girls noticed the pilots, and squealed "It's PRINCE
> CHARMING!"

Dan: [Shinji] Where?

>      Abruptly, Shinji was surrounded.

Rick: By a horde of MPs with German Shepards. Or would you believe a squad
of police officers with dobermen? Or would you believe a Boy Scout with rabies?

> "Can I have your
> autograph?", "Sign mine first!", "It's for my sister, not me,
> really!", "Sign mine 'thanks for the support, Achika, keep dreams
> alive!'"

Rick: Hey, was that another pointless cameo?
Tsuneo: I've stopped caring.

>      Shinji dutifully signed all the books,

Dan: Someone should have slipped a sports contract in there as well.

> then walked on. Inside, Toji blinked and shook his head.
> "What the hell was THAT all about?"

Tsuneo: It's called the plot. Don't worry, it'll probably wander off soon.

>      Shinji merely shrugged, tossed the jacket over the back of a
> chair, and walked off to change into costume.

Rebecca: Shinji in tights? That's the last thing we need.

>      Inside the auditorium was a hive of activity,

Rick: With little Invids buzzing all over the place.

> with students running everywhere

Dan: Maybe they've accidentally wandered into Basketball practice.

> setting up the stage and trying to get used to
> their costumes.  Lina, Gaurry, Amelia and Naga were doing much
> better than the others, as the gowns and dress uniform were
> actually familiar to them. Plus, three of them had experience with
> the theatre.

Rebecca: Not that I think that counts.

>      "Oh Miss Lina!" Amelia gushed.  "Isn't it great to be back
> in show business?  Ah, the lights, the roar of the crowd, the smell
> of greasepaint!  I'd forgotten how wonderful it all was!

Rick: Yeah, I'm sure blowing up hoards of beastmen and half the arena
was a grand time.

> This
> time, instead of playing the dashing, fearless, very cute heroine,
> I'll be cunning, heartless, very beautiful villainess!

Rebecca: Scratch the beautiful, and you'd be right.

> What a
> chance to stretch my dramatic breadth!"  Amelia mooned around the
> room,

Dan: Oh, for crying... Amelia, at least you could impersonate Road
Dogg, not Billy Gunn.

> stars in her eyes and a constellation of little hearts
> floating along after her.  Naga gagged visibly.

[Everyone gags visibly.]

>      Gaurry adjusted the Sword of Light on the tacky baldric that
> was part of his costume, then scratched his head.

Tsuneo: Yeah, I was wondering why he had to supply his own sword as well.

> "This time?
> Lina, what is she talking about?  When did we do Snow White before?"

Rick: Ahh... Good old, reliable Gaurry.
Tsuneo: I'll give them this much: Their Gaurry is spot on, and still funny
to boot.

>      Lina pulled up her skirts and gave Gaurry a swift kick in the
> rear.  "She doesn't mean Snow White specifically, moron. She means
> being in a play.  You DO remember that time we hid out with that
> travelling performance of 'The Righteous End of the Terrible Demon
> Lina Inverse' or whatever that tripe was called?

Rebecca: [Gaurry] Um... No. Care to remind me?

> You and I were
> the front and back ends of the 'Dragon Slave'? Am I ringing ANY
> bells?"

Rick: [Gaurry] I don't hear any bells.
Rebecca: [Lina] Guess not.

>      "Oh!  I remember now!  The food wasn't very good, the costume
> smelled bad, and you kept hitting me in the back of the head."
> Gaurry thought for a moment or eight, then smiled.  "But there's
> no Dragon in Snow White, so everything will be fine."

Tsuneo: Don't worry, you'll stuff it up somehow.

>      Lina, unable to counter that, just sighed and walked off.

Dan: Face it, he's got you there.

>      "Why do I have to be rock #3?" Kensuke griped.

Rick: It lets you display your talent to the full.

>      "Because there are no dwarves in this scene, and the regular
> guy made his costume too realistic and dropped it on his foot."
> Hikari explained, deadpan, while going over her own lines.

Dan: I wouldn't be surprised if he did it on purpose to get out of
the play.
Rebecca: Congratulations, Kensuke. You're an understudy to a rock.

>      Toji looked concerned.  "You okay Hikari?  You've been
> sounding, I dunno, a little flat lately."

Tsuneo: [Kensuke] Can you blame her? Have you seen this script?

>      Hikari looked up slowly, and fixed Toji with an unblinking
> stare.  "I am supposed to understudy Rei as the mirror.  It is
> my purpose."

Rick: She's scaring me!

>      Toji didn't look satisfied, but let it go.

>      Shinji, having changed into costume, walked back to the
> group.  "I really hate this get-up." Shinji pulled at one of his
> swash-topped boots, tightening the buckle.  "These red tights are
> cutting off my- circulation."

Rebecca: Not to mention it makes you look like a twerp.

>      Kensuke snickered impishly. "[bad British accent] Cor, it
> takes a real manly man to wear tights."

Dan: Hey, no "Men In Tights" references! Even Mel brooks wants to bury
that one.

>      Asuka bapped him in the back of the head.  "Shut up, you're
> a rock."

>      "Oh," Naga interjected, "and you are a pure and virtuous
> maiden, of course."

Tsuneo: I don't know who she's talking about.

>      "Excuse me?!  To whom do you think you're speaking?  Miss
> UNDERSTUDY?"

>      Naga looked confused.  "Aren't you an understudy too?"

Rick: No, that's Asuka, not Lina.
Tsuneo: Don't worry, Rick. They haven't finished running that joke
into the ground yet.

>      "No, stupid," Lina walked up behind Naga, wearing exactly
> the same dress as Asuka. "I'M the understudy."

Rick [Asuka]: What? You dare mistake the Great Asuka for this flat-chested
little-
Rebecca [Lina]: DRAGON SLAVE!
Rick [Asuka]: Never mind.

>      Naga scratched her head, then dismissed it as yet another
> totally unimportant thing she didn't understand.

Rebecca: Ie: Everything.

>      Amelia bounced over.  "C'mon sis!  You promised me you'd
> teach me to laugh evilly so I could perform my role better." 

Dan: Please don't let her, please, please...

> Amelia grabbed Naga's arm, and hauled the older sorceress to the
> other side of the room.  Moments later, laughter of varying evil
> drifted back.

Rick: Amelia doing an evil laugh... You know, try as hard as I may,
I just can't imagine that.

>      Kensuke sighed.  "I had no idea putting on a play was so much
> work.

Dan: [Kensuke] I mean, rehearsals! Geez! What were they thinking?

> I certainly wasn't expecting any weekend rehearsals.  This
> is terrible!"

Rebecca: Not that he's got anything better to do.

>      Toji lumbered over in his dwarf costume.  "What's the matter
> Aida?  Planning to camp out in a field and shoot a toy gun at
> helpless grass again?"

Rick: Are you kidding? He's been looking forwards to this for the whole
month!

>      Kensuke shook his head.  "No, there's a big science fiction/
> Star Trek/Anime con down at the new Tokyo-3 Convention Centre.

Rick: What happened to the old one?
Rebecca: EVA-02.

> There's supposed to be all kinds of really neat stuff there,

Dan: Fake Starfleet uniforms at outrageous prices, "genuine" tribbles and
an auction of Jonathon Frakes' seven season corsets.

> plus lots of special guests!  Man, I wish I was down there."

Tsuneo: Spot the blatant set-up, folks.

> -------------------------------------------------
> Tap personal incarnation to deal 5 damage to plot
> -------------------------------------------------

Tsuneo: Well this fic's safe then.

>      The Con that Kensuke mentioned was none other than the Gainax
> Pan-Dimensional Ultra Anime, RPG and Star Trek Con.

Dan: And yes, the sign-writers hated it.

> The latter half
> of that title was a result of the con's co-sponsor, Planet
> Hollywood-3.

Rick: What's that got to do with RPGs and Star Trek? And wasn't it
planet Hollywood-2?

> The result of this was, well, moderately horrifying to
> say the least.

Rick: Only moderately horrifying?
Rebecca: They hadn't been able to get Marina Sitris or Denice Crosby.
Otherwise, it would be utterly horrifying.

> Firstly, the guest list featured none other than
> the' Patrick Stewart

Rick: "The" Patrick Stewart?
Dan: Yeah. There's the Sheaksperian Actor Patrick Stewart who did TNG, and
the Hollywood Patrick Stewart who did "Msterminds", "Men In Tights" and
"Dune"

> (his body being cryogenically preserved since
> 2003 and only thawed out for con's and really bad fanfics)

Rebecca: Poor guy. The only Star Trek captain to avoid the Kirk syndrome.
Dan: Which is?
Rebecca: Expanding waist and diminishing hair.

> complete with special 'mystery guest'.

All: Foreshadowing!

> As to who the accompanying visitor
> would be, only time would tell.

Rick: But it probably won't be worth the wait. Special guests never are.

> Something in the program alluded to
> an appearance of actor David Ducovney and PC gaming's hottest lady. 

Tsuneo: And if anyone reading this *can't* spot where this is going,
they're a bloody idiot.

> Unfortunately, all of the programs seemed to have the same anomalous
> printing error which blotted out key words here and there.

All: Funny, that.

>      The remainder of the guest list well,...

Rick: Two words: James Doohan.
All: Aaaack!

> featured some other
> attempts that 'former freelance writers' for Gainax  had latched
> upon.

Dan: This looks bad. Say, anyone remember what these guys promised for
this chapter?

[Pause]

All: AAARRRGGGHHH!

>      Montgomery Burns looked down from his perch

Rebecca: Searching for carrion.

> atop the newly built convention centre. "Look at them Smithers.

Dan: [Burns] From up here, they all look like ants.
Rick: [Smithers] Er, that's your ant farm, sir. The crowd's that way.

> All those science
> fiction buffoons lining up in their ancient 'trekkie' uniforms,

Rick: Fashion tip: Fat people should *not* wear tight skivvies.

> dying to give us their hard earned dollars."

Rebecca: Or easily swiped dollars. Whatever.

>      "I believe the national unit of currency in Japan is the Yen

Rebecca: Making it their hard-earned *Yens*.
Tsuneo: Oh, stop that.

> sir.", replied his faithful manservant Waylan Smithers.

Dan: [Burns] Oooh... Smithers, don't correct me!
Rick: [Smithers] Of course, sir.
Dan: [Burns] Your as bad as that... what's his name? Bald man, works in
safety?
Rick: [Smithers] Simpson, sir. Homer Simpson.
Dan: [Burns] Oooh... Smithers, don't correct me!

>      "Are all the preparations ready for our conventioneers?"

Tsuneo: [Smithers] Mostly... We still need to haul in the Mr. Pibb
vending machines.

>      "Yes sir. The walls of the centre were soundproofed

Rick: Damn straight. Trekkies don't want to be bothered by the real world.

> so there
> will be no violation of noise statutes, all the merchandise has bee
> laid out for sale

Dan: And the prices have been hiked.

> and all the performers and all but one of the Eva
> lecturers has been accounted for."

Rebecca: That would be Aoba then. It's a calendar event if he even appears in
an EVA fic.

>      Jin Hibiki, 'another' 4th child, son of the martial artist
> Ryoga Hibiki and his wife Akari, a sumo pig trainer, stood looking
> out at the landscape before him. He was 'yet another' EVA pilot.

[They all stare in the screen in dumb shock.]

Dan: I don't believe it!
Tsuneo: They're actually featuring EVA avatars!
Rick: I don't believe they actually remembered Jin.

> He had inherited much of his father's brawn and skill. Unfortunately
> he had also inherited his father's sense of direction.

Rick: You know? That would explain a lot about his fic.
Dan: Yeah... only Ryoga or his son would get lost and wind up back in time.

> "Um,...
> excuse me Mr. Sheep Herder? Could you point me to Tokyo-3?"

>      Replied the shepherd, "Shurin'a leprechaun's green I ha'en't
> te foggiest as tae what yar on aboot laddie.". 

Rebecca: Oh look, it's Thane.

>      Jin sighed.

>      Back in Tokyo-3,

Tsuneo: So much for Jin.
Rick: Hey! I liked him!
Tsuneo: Why? He did nothing!
Rick: My point.

> Smithers continued. "Oh,... and the Palladium
> lecturer will also be delayed too."

All: Funny that.

>      Burns murmured,  "Very well. Release the hounds!" 

Dan: Can't do. Palladium's delayed them as well.

>      "Hounds sir?"

>      "Didn't you order the man-eating dogs?"

Rick: And they were delicious!

>      "Um,.. Sir? When you said to get dogs suitable for the
> consumption of humans, I assumed you meant frankfurters."

Rebecca: That'll teach him to word his threats properly!

>      "Doooh.... never mind. Let them in...", Burns was not happy.

>      The throng of red-shirted fanboys (and the occasional fangirl)

Rick: And even the odd fanhemaphrodite.

> poured in from the crowded street into the convention centre. Some
> carried toy phasers, others shopping bags. 

Dan: The really smart ones wore body armour and carried war clubs.

>      As the press of bodies entered the convention centre, they were
> greeted by a HUGE billboard and stage.

Dan: They need that to fit Jonathon Frakes on.
Rick: And the huge billboard?
Dan: They've got his picture on it.

> Along the rim of the stage
> were signs saying, "See the amazing '6th Children' of Evangelion:

Rick: I thought there was only meant to be one sixth child.
Tsuneo: You know, that sounded awfully familiar...

> Tom Dyron,

All: AARGH!

> master of music, martial arts and all things under heaven

Rick: Except grammar.

> (except grammar)

Rick: See?
Rebecca: And maths. And convincing fight scenes. And common sense.

> perform LIVE!"

Dan: You call this living?

> Upon the stage was an uberkid.  He
> had black hair tied in a pony tail, dark brown eyes, and was wearing
> very large jeans.

Dan: Great. It's 2017 and flares are back in style.

> Some described him as a six footed individual,
> but those people were dumb.

Rebecca: You mean, like his fic's author?
Rick: Point proven.

> Dragons Of Doom was the name of the band
> plastered across the canvas behind him. 

Dan: While Dragons of Doom themselves were plastered behind the convention
centre.

>      The teen then began to mercilessly beat upon his instrument in
> a fashion that some would call 'music'

Rick: Only David Lister.
Dan: Up next: Tom Dyron's "Om" followed by "The Indling Song".

> but what most would equate to
> an accurate rendition of the brutal massacre of one thousand badly
> tuned cats....

Rick: Or, anything played over a K-Mart radio.

> and then he started to sing...

All: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

>      "Smithers! What is that horrid sound!",

Rick: Either Nine Inch Nails in concert or steel being torn asunder by high
stress. Same thing, really.

> yelled Burns to his assistant over the din.

>      "Tom! Dyron! Sir! One of our. Failed. Avatars!" Smithers replied.

Dan: Tom's a failure? I'd hate to see a success.
Rebecca: I get the feeling we will.

>      "Can we stop him?!"

Rick: Please?

>      "Not until he's finished his first set... sir!". His hands
> covered his ears in desperate hopes of muffling the sound.

Rebecca: Encasing your head in concrete might help.
Rick: I'm so glad I haven't actually heard DoD in any of his fics.

>      "Smithers?!" Burns sounded "I don't think... I can... Take...
> Much.... More.", Burns slumped to the floor.

Tsuneo: Hooray, someone finally killed the codger.

>      "Sir!" Smithers voice over the dying din of the Tom Dyron's song
> carried with it a ray of hope,

Dan: Jeff had just entered, and he was carrying his 45mm Silencer.

> "Look! The attendees are forming into an angry mob!

Rick: The Trekkies are revolting!
Dan: In every possible way.

> They're stopping the music and dragging Tom away to be
> burned at the stake!"

Dan: Sounds like one of his breakfasts, actually.

>      "We don't have to rescue him, do we?" Burn's voice was plaintive.

Rebecca: Please please please let the answer be no.
Dan: Samantha might actually enjoy this bit.

>      Smithers helped up his superior, "All in good time sir. All in
> good time."

>      They watched on with smug looks upon their faces as the 6th
> Children

[They all snigger]

> was dragged off despite his cries of,

Rick: Various random Steve Austin phrases.

> "What's going on?!",

Dan: You've got us.
Tsuneo: A Crappy fanfic.

> "Why aren't you agreeing with me?!", "I'm too cool to die!"

Tsuneo: So was there any point to his appearance in this fic, other
than to be dragged off by the mob?
Rick: Apparently not.

>      We move out over the throng.

Rebecca: Damn it, is WARenfeld *still* directing?

> The convention was now in full swing.

Dan [Austin Powers]: Swinging, baby!

> Off in the Star Trek section, classic red shirts copied from
> the original series sold like hot cakes.

Tsuneo: Hopeless. Truly hopeless.

> All classic nostalgia was
> marked for sale.  The stage and podium where Cpt. Picard and 'guest'
> were scheduled to arrive were set and waiting.

Dan: If it's Ethan Phillips, then nothing's gonna stop me from opening up
on the TV right now.

>      The fervour had yet to reach the RPG section of the con as the
> guest lecturer from Palladium had once again been delayed.

Rick: They're hoping to have him out by summer.
Dan: Northern or Southern?
Rebecca: Never mind that, how about what year?

> No one
> understood why this delay occurred but they were hardly surprised.
> They knew Palladium far too well.

Dan: Actually, if this really was Palladium, they'd probably ship the wrong
guest.
Rick: And he'd have Nose lasers.

>      In the anime branch, the cash-cow that was Evangelion was being
> thoroughly milked;

Rebecca: Yes, but what's going on in the fic?

> their latest edition, 1/200 scale remote
> controlled Eva's (extension cord not included).

Dan: Can I have one of those?

> In this area, two
> separate sets of stages had been erected across from each other:

Rick: They'd been heavily fortified and the shelling was expected to start
soon.

> one
> contained 2 lecterns, the other was more like a booth upon a
> platform. Upon the lecterns stood 'yet another' 5th and 6th
> children in their plug suits.

Rebecca: Um... How many 5th and 6th kids do we know?
Tsuneo: There's.... oh dear.

> A crowd had gathered in front of them,

Rick: And were armed to the teeth.

> not because they were interested in what they had to say,

Rick: If it's who I think it is... It could be quite funny, actually.

> but more
> so because they were wondering who would throw the first punch.

>      The little boy laughed and sayed

All: Sayed?
Rebecca: You know what that means...

> "My name is Issei Malatioun,
> Eva Kid 6. I may be only 12 but I'm 1000 times smarter than you,
> bro!!!!"

[Stunned silence]
Rick: Amazing. They captured the true essence of his dialogue in that one
sentence.

>     "First off you green haired freak, I'm NOT a bro, I'm a girl!"
> said the figure at the other podium.

Dan: And that would be Lisa then.

>     "Cooda fowled me." replyed Issei

Tsuneo: Why? In her description, she said she was attractive. I don't think
it's a mistake he'd make.
Rick: This is Issei we're talking about.
Rebecca: Besides which, I'm sure a lot of his friends get around in Sailor
suits. Especially PJ and Toshi.

>     "What? What are,... oh never mind. Second, aside from being much
> smarter and a thousand times prettier than you,

Dan: Let's face it, those two are made for each other.
Rick: Yeah. Lisa was made to kill Issei.

> I'm at least of legal age!"

Rebecca: Only in Japan.

>     "Four what?"

Tsuneo: I'd riff the spelling, but it's perfect for Issei.

>     "Well, first off, for carrying pistols.

[They all cough bullsh*t]

> And secondly, at least
> I don't have sex with people who urinate in their beds all the time."

Rick: Ouch. Score one to Lisa.

>     "Donut ya be sayed that about Shiji, Lia Fester"

[They all snigger]
Rebecca: "Fester?' I think I'm going to enjoy this. A tiny bit.

>     "It's Shinji!

Rick: Say, did any of his fics have a "Shiji" anyway?
Tsuneo: Probably. Along with Shnji, Shini, Sinji, Shingi, Shingy and Bob.

> And my name is LISA, Lisa Foster. God, use a
> spellchecker you twerp."

Dan: Like she can talk. SHE misspelt "Hellstorm." And sock.

>     Issei polled out his Sword of Power

Rick: I'd like to take this opportunity to again point out that Sword of Power
is a TM of Mattel I think. Thankyou.

> (where he was hiding it, I'd rather not know)

Tsuneo: Thanks... for that...

> and tsalked towards Lia,

All [Lisa]: LISA!

> "I's gonna get yu ^@%$#!."

Rebecca: Funny, in his fic he just swore openly.
Rick: Well, this fic's been censored to a PG-13 IQ points rating.

>     Lisa waved her hand in a pointless display of Author Avatar
> power, parrying the sword with a blast from her AT Field.

Rick: Damn. Between Issei's limitless stock of powers and Lisa's all-
encompassing AT Field, they could be here all day.
Tsuneo: My money's on the angry mob.

> "And
> another thing, what was with that fire hose you had in your fic?

Dan: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Rick: And while we're at it, why wasn't Ramamamamamama in Hellstorm II? I
liked him.

> An Eva-scale water hose used to defeat a fire demon? Really."

Rick: That's rich coming from little miss Super-Sayajin here.

>     Issei, desperate to find a counter attack to her line of
> interrogation played his trump card,

Rebecca: And pulled down his pants.
Dan: Thanks for that mental image.

> "Wall at lest I didn't slepp
> with da entire female cast of Eva. Even Rei."

Dan: And Rie even.
Tsuneo: Actually it was just Rei and Asuka, but never mind.

>     The debate between the two erupted into a cat fight.

Tsuneo: So the Sword of Power-
Rick: TM
Tsuneo: And the AT field were just part of a debate?
Dan: I don't want to stick around for the summaries.

> It was an
> unspoken agreement among those witnessing the proceedings

Tsuneo: That there were better things to do.

> that when
> the two avatars had expended their wrath upon each other,

Dan: The place would be a smoking wreck.
Rick: And one of them would have died messily in a puddle of his own gore.

> that they
> would simply be tied up and carried to the open pit where the con
> attendees had prepared the pyre in which to burn Tom Dyron.

Rick: I think I may have underestimated Trekkies. They do appear to have
some sense after all.
Rebecca: Then why is Voyager still on?
Rick: Never mind.

>      "Well then," said an amplified British voice from across the
> isle.

Rebecca: Oh no.
Tsuneo: Please no.
Rick: It can. It is. DJ Croft is back!
Tsuneo: You wouldn't be gloating if you had to suffer him.

> "Now that that's settled, perhaps we can get on with a decent
> lecture."

Dan: Please no Pat Lee in here!
Tsuneo: Why? All DJ is going to do is lecture us on how he's better than
every single one of us lowly worms.

> The voice belonged to that of a young boy, somewhere
> between the ages of 14 and 16.

Rick: Inclusive.
Rebecca: If you're an express lane customer, this could be anything up to
38.

> In a painstaking process that took
> several paragraphs to explain, he put down the book he had been
> reading in silence and approached the front stage.

Tsuneo: Actually, it took him one paragraph to explain how he put down the
book. The other was to explain how he was better at it than anyone else.

>      "It's quite obvious that I'm the event you're here to see.

Rebecca [DJ]: Now you can all marvel at my *area*.
Tsuneo: Gah! [Throws a cushion at her] Never do that again.
Rebecca: Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

> And,
> as advertised in our poorly printed programs, I'll be happy to sign
> all your autographs." the overly cocky young man added. 

>      From the audience, the obvious question arose.

Rick: How do you get your hair to stay up like that?
Rebecca: What kind of heat sinks do they use?
Dan: If Godzilla fought Gamera, who would win?
Tsuneo: How do I get out of this crappy fanfic?

> "Um,.... Who the hell are you?"

Rick: That too.

>      "Why I'm DJ Croft; Glorious 5th Child from Neon Exodus
> Evangelion."

Rick [DJ]: The greatest EVA pilot that ever lived, destroyer of Angels,
genius computer designer and expert cook.
Rebecca: No, I've never heard of you.

>      "Where's Lara?!" the now angry voice shouted back.

Rick: Having cosmetic surgery. Again.

>      "Where's Fox Mulder (David Ducovney)?!" another voice added.

Dan: Making direct to video stinkers.

>      "Well, I'll answer the last question first."

Rick: In the name of being unhelpful.

> said DJ. "David's
> either in British Columbia or Los Angeles.

Rebecca: Between Canada and Hell. Big choice.

> As for my Mom,

Rebecca: Her back finally gave out.

> *scoffs*
> do you really think she'd lower herself by appearing to the likes of
> you?

Tsuneo: This is Lara Croft we're talking about here. There's no such thing as
*degrading*.
Rick: Well, *you* did.

> You should be grateful _I_ came.

Tsuneo: Ahh... I'd forgotten about DJ and his "You must love me" attitude.

> Why, if I didn't realize how
> much every woman on Earth wants my body and could never say no to me,

Rebecca: I'd like to point out an exception here.

> I'd hardly have had any motivation to come at all."

Rick: He's going to pick up groupies.
Rebecca: Could he pick up something from a groupie?

>      This particular tirade was a bit much for the crowd. All in all,
> DJ wasn't all that bad; certainly the lesser of the evils present.

Tsuneo: But certainly the most annoying.

> He
> was very articulate and he did have the decency to spell check his
> work,

Rebecca: A rarity amongst these EVA fics.

> but he HAD to pay for that attitude and his innate (or inane)

Rick: Insane?

> ability to be good at almost everything he did.

Rebecca: Oh, yes please.

> As a mass, the crowd
> began to advance on him. There's no justice like mob justice. 

Tsuneo: And there's no justice in mob justice.

>      Sensing his imminent demise,

Rebecca: DJ has been a dead man ever since he called Ritsuko "Dr.
Pullring."

> DJ unholstered his pistols,
> pointing them at the crowd. "Back off, and nobody gets hurt."

Dan: DJ, there's a whole mob of them, and you've got to run out of
ammo some time.
Rick: Maybe it's a beggar mob? They can just overbear him, no worries.

>      "Drop your weapon. You have 20 seconds to comply." Out of the
> crowd emerged

Dan: ED-209 to SAVE the fic!

> our now infamous pair of MIBs.

Rick [Sarcastic]: Gee... where is this going, I wonder?
Rebecca: Somehow, I find the idea of DJ wearing *that* quite amusing.

>      "You again! I though I sent you packing in my fic?" DJ yelled.

Tsuneo: In the most unconvincing way possible, certainly.

>      "Not a chance Croft. Just put down the guns and come with us
> and nobody will get hurt", stated the second in dead even tones.

All: Aww...
Rebecca: Look, this is DJ, right?
Dan: Yeah.
Rebecca: So of course he thinks he's better than them, right?
Dan: Yeah.
Rebecca: So he's not going to pay attention to them, right?
Dan: So?
Rebecca: You know how good the MiBs are in this fic?
Dan: Cool.

>      "You're just trying to get back at me for what I did to you
> in Chapter one of Neon Exodus."

Rick: [MiB] Actually that comes later, when we've got a cactus handy.

>      Said the first MIB to his partner,

Rebecca [MiB]: You reckon he's a squealer?

> "I think he's trying to
> resist arrest." The MIB smiled; it was disturbing.

All: Ya reckon?
     
>      Replying, while snapping on a rubber glove pulled from his
> pocket,

Rick: He keeps it next to Mr Socko.

> the partner added, "You know what that means.

Tsuneo: Not if Issei's writing.

> DJ Croft,
> we're taking you into custody for an immediate full cavity
> search."

Tsuneo: Let's not go there.

>      "I gotted gunz two. Ya wanna striping me?" sayed Issei happily,
> still in the middle of his own battle with Lia.

Tsuneo: They misspelt it too. That says a lot.

> "LISA!" she yelled, grabbing his skull and pounding it into the stage,

Dan: Then shooting for the hoop.

> "My *smack* name *smack* is *smack* LISA! *smack*."

>      "No," muttered the MIB. "We want all your weapons to STAY
> concealed."

All: Thank you.

>      "Sod off coppa!",

Rebecca: In case you've forgotten, he's British. Something he feels the
need to remind us of every few minutes.

> yelled DJ as he backed off searching for an
> escape route.  Finding none,

Tsuneo: He simply contrived one into existence.

> he added, "And what'll you do if I refuse?"

Rick: [MiB] That's what the cactus is for.

>      "Simple," replied the MIB, unfazed. "We'll let Issei perform
> the search instead of us."

Rick: And he'd enjoy it, too. Uh, Issei, I mean.
Rebecca: [DJ] I'll be good.

>      When confronted with the possibility of that particular horror,
> DJ quickly acquiesced. "I'll be good." He was lead off by the MIBs.

Rebecca: Well... Damn.

> ---------------------
> Meet the back up cast
> ---------------------

Tsuneo: Psst, Fuyutski! You're on!

>      Maya sat at her station, staring at her readouts without seeing
> them.

Rebecca: [Maya] They just keep turning pages.
Rick: Life is exciting enough for some people.

> "I've got to find that jacket that Misato was wearing, but
> she's gone back to wearing her regular one."

Dan: Say how about asking her? Man, am I the only smart one around here
or what?

[The others stifle giggles]

>      Hyuuga leaned back in his chair and looked over at Maya.

Rick: [Hyuga] Didn't I have something going with Misato? Damn Kaji gets
retconned and I'm back to gawking at Maya again.

> "Hey, Maya, Aoba and I were talking.

Rebecca: [Hyuga] We're getting married. Want to be the best man?

> He seems to have gotten two tickets
> to the new Dragons of Doom concert,

Tsuneo: I think it's about to be cancelled.
Dan: Well as long as it isn't the *new* DOD.

[They all nod solemnly]

> while I have the same number of
> tickets for the newest production of 'Cats'."

Rick: There's no escaping "Cats."

>      Maya didn't respond, still lost in thought.

Rebecca: [Maya] Great White Serpent...

> "It couldn't have just disappeared, where could it be?"

Dan: [Maya] Did I just speak out loud again? Heh heh, whoops.

>      Aoba, who was standing, put his hands on the back of Maya's
> chair.  "What we're trying to say is that we'd both like to take you
> out."

Rick: That would imply you guys have a life, and that's something I'm
just not ready to deal with.
Rebecca: Or for a slightly more exciting time, you could watch Jon and
Rei turn pages.

>      "That jacket is the key to everything,

Dan: It is everything... And nothing.
Tsuneo: Care to be any more vague there?

> I must find it!" Maya still hadn't heard a word the two had spoken,

Rebecca: You're not missing anything.
Tsuneo: Hey Maya, Aoba's getting lines in an EVA fic! Pay attention and
treasure the moment!

> but figured she'd
> better say something soon to get them to leave her alone.

Rick: [Maya] The boss is watching you.

>      Hyuuga chortled.  "I think what Aoba REALLY is asking is for
> you to ride his baloney pony."

Dan: [Ric Flair] And we can ride space rocket all night long!

>      "Okay, I'll get right on it."

Rebecca: Bad choice of words, Maya.
Dan: [Aoba] What, right here?

>      Aoba choked, and Hyuuga tipped his chair over backwards.

Rick: Smooth.

>      Misato walked over and glared at the three of them.  "Hey,
> enough with the rough-housing.

Dan: If you want to fight, go to the staff cafeteria.

> We ARE supposed to be on duty here."

Rebecca: And this is coming from who?
Tsuneo: [Misato] Please ignore the pyjamas and sleeping bag.

>      Maya turned and studied her console intently,

Rebecca: [Maya] Hey look, Baywatch is on.

> and nervously.
> "Oh don't worry Captain. Nothing could be better.

Rick: [Maya] Okay, so maybe half the world's population could still be
alive, but you get the picture.

> The sun is
> shining, there isn't a cloud in the sky, traffic is flowing well,

Dan: [Maya] And you can barely notice the angel stomping downtown.

> and the blue pattern is well over thirty minutes away.  Blue
> pattern?"

Dan: Close enough.

>      Hyuuga leapt to his feet, managing to get his chair upright in
> the process.

Tsuneo: And left Aoba on the ground, I see.

> The command centre became a hive of activity as Misato
> slapped on the alarm

Rebecca: [Camp] Oh, you bitch.

> and started yelling orders into a phone.  "Get me the pilots!"

Rick: [Misato] And a serve of crazy bread.

> ---------------------------------------------
> To boldly go where bad taste has gone before.
> ---------------------------------------------

Tsuneo: And with this fic, I wouldn't doubt it.

>      At the con, we move on from our first collection of literary
> atrocities,

Dan: Chapters one, two and three.

> and turn our attention back to the Palladium Pavilion.
> The lecturer has been delayed; again. 

Rebecca: But they were promising more when he eventually arrived.

>      Wasting no time here,

Dan: But you just did.

> we turn to gaze upon the Star Trek theatrical stage.

Tsuneo: Patrick Stewart in tights?

> It is done up to resemble one of the typically
> corny planets from the first series, plastic plants, Styrofoam rocks

Dan: Scantily clad alien women.
Rick: Rubber monsters.
Rebecca: Bad lighting.
Tsuneo: And things going "ping."

> and all.

Rick: And over there, you can see the cast of Lost in Space. And Will
Robinson's lurking behind a corner.
Rebecca: I dare anyone to fully comprehend that one.

>     Crowds gathered in front of the primary stage  where Patrick
> Stewart plus guest were about the appear. "Space, the final
> frontier." Boomed a loud voice over the sound system "These are the
> voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's 45 year syndicated mission.

Dan: Wouldn't it be 50 years by now?

> To explore new plot devices.

Rick: Something Voyager has a distressing lack of.

> To seek out new forms of profitably.

Rick: Something else Voyager has a lack of.

> To boldly go where no fanboy has gone before."

Rebecca: And to keep Jonathon Frakes off the streets.
Tsuneo: A truly noble cause.

> As the theme music
> crescendoes, from the ceiling, a pillar of blue light and sparkly
> bits of paper descended to the stage.

Rick: That's right, it's realistic TOS effects.

> As the light faded and the
> bits fell, a figure emerged to the cheer of the crowd: Patrick
> Stewart, Cpt. Jean Luc Picard. 

Tsuneo: Ah, talent at last!

>      "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the Star
> Trek Convention."

Rick: Leave all sense of taste behind. Be sure that all fake ears,
latex and stupid earrings are firmly attached.

>      More cheers erupted from the crowd. "That won't last long."
> thinks Stewart.

Tsuneo: [Dark] Foreshadowing.

> "And now," he announces, "the person you've all been waiting for..."

Dan: That's right, it's the authors so you can tie them to a stake as
well.

>     A collective "Hunh?" came from the crowd, which had assumed
> that everyone here was coming to see Stewart. No guest he could
> bring along (save the deceased Gene Roddenberry himself)

Rick: That could be quite difficult.

> could possibly outweigh him in terms of importance.

Dan: I know 7 of 9 could outweigh him in some ways.

>     "Do I really have to read this piece of tripe?" he whispered
> off stage.

Rebecca: Funny, we've been wondering that for ages.

> A mournful nod was the only response he received from
> the convention director.

Tsuneo: A large wad of cash would have helped.

> Aloud,  "... the cutest, most talented and
> most brilliant girl in all of Starfleet. My *chokes* -adopted-
> daughter, Marissa Picard."

[They all stare at the screen in dumb shock.]

Tsuneo: Okay. I can vaguely understand bringing in EVA avatars for
comedy reasons, but still not for mindless butchering like they're
doing. But I see absolutely no reason to include Marissa Picard in
this! Fic, you have gone too far!
Rebecca: Sit down Tsuneo, you're foaming at the mouth again.
Tsuneo: Then you explain it to me.
Dan: The authors thought it would be funny.
Tsuneo: So I guess we just rack this up with the rest of the abundant
stupidity in this fic, huh?
Rick: Grin and bear it.

>     Though the column of light repeated itself and Marissa emerged,
> only the barest smattering of applause could be heard. She was a 16
> year old blonde with her hair in a ponytail. She sported a red
> command suit which was reading very high on the polyester meter. She
> was preternaturally happy despite the distinct lack of enthusiasm at
> her appearance.

Rebecca: And of course, she was drinking a strawberry milkshake.
Rick: [Marissa] What? You dare not bow down and worship the great
Marissa? WA-TAK!

> "Hi everybody. And welcome to My con!

Tsuneo: Yes, that's right. She is the future queen of the universe, you
know.

> I'm Marissa
> Picard, and you've already met my daddy!", she glomped onto Stewart.

Rick: [Stewart] Not in front of the fans!

>      "Now now Marissa, it's -adopted- daddy and even then, it's only
> acting"

Dan: If you can call it that.
Rick: Actually, Ratliff would call it "Trp[" but never mind.

>     "Oh that's not important Daddy.

Rebecca: Neither's reality, but don't let that bother you.

> What is important is that you
> and all of my fans are proud of all my achievements;

Tsuneo: Weather they like it or not.

> like the time
> you left me in charge of the Saucer Section of the Enterprise

Dan: Give him a break, he didn't know what he was unleashing at the time.

> and I saved Earth from that Cardassian invasion lead by Gul Ducat?"

Rebecca: That wasn't an invasion, it was a package tour!

>     "Invasion? You mean the ONE SHIP they sent to Earth? That
> 'invasion'?"

Rick: Oh come on! For bad guys in Star Trek, that's quite good.
Dan: Face it. They'd already been Marissaed.

>     "Ok,.... Or what about that time I single handedly defeated the
> Klingon empire armed with only the moon's gravitational pull and
> chewing gum?"

Dan: Not yet, but she's working on it.

>     Patrick Stewart groaned, this was going to be a VERY long con.

All: We noticed.

> -------------------------------------
> Angels we have heard on,... Hi
> -------------------------------------

Tsuneo: Now they're just pulling out random words.

>      The city sank,

Dan: Leonardo DiCapatothehead hanging onto the end.

> the Evas rose. The pilots readied themselves
> for battle, pulling an assortment of weapons and implements of mass
> destruction from the various armament buildings.

Rick: Let's see... Nerf gun, banana peel, yoyo... Damn those cutbacks.

> Given that they
> knew the incoming vector of the angel in question

All: It's coming right for us!

> (dubbed Marcel by a confused looking Cmndr. Fuyutsuki

Tsuneo: And who can blame him?

> who was reading the name off a hastily scribbled postcard),

Dan: No postal service is that fast.

> they assumed a semicircular formation
> to greet the newcomer with open arms (firearms that is).

>      The girls took point, the rookies took inner circle and Shinji
> held the centre. 

Rick: [Misato] Kensuke, for square and face outwards!
Dan: [Kensuke] Right. Ow, it hurts!
Tsuneo: Or they could line up straight for better responsiveness.

>      "Asuka," asked Misato, "You should be the first person to have
> visual,

Rebecca: [Misato] Apart from our spy planes and satellites and you
know... Stuff like that.

> what does our next contestant look like?"

Rick: [Asuka] He's wearing a cheap suit and has a bad haircut.

>      Peering, she replied, "I... What the? Shinji, back me up on this."

Dan: What, Asuka suddenly asks Shinji for help?
Rebecca: Especially since he'd be the last one to see it.

>      Shinji switched to maximum magnification. "It's a ... Oh my.

Rebecca: It's Shamshel again?
Dan: Only you would think of that. [Rebecca hits him with a cushion]
Rick: And Issei.
Tsuneo: Guys, do you mind? The fic's got enough bad taste already.

> I um,... can't see it.

Dan: [Shinji] I'm busy right now. Tell it to make an appointment.

> Ask someone else."

>      "Coward! One of you other boys must have the spine to report this."

Rick: What, don't you?

>      Toji, still rubbing his face which bore a remarkably Asuka-ish
> slap mark

Tsuneo: No actual reason why it's there...

> responded, "I don't see you doing it Ms. Hero."

Rick: Didn't I just say that?
Tsuneo: Face it. The fic's copying us.

>      Fed up at the dicking-around, Misato screamed "Would someone PLEASE
> tell me what the heck is out there?"

>      "Clown." said Rei.

Rick: Doink? Kill!

>      "What?!"

>      "I said it was a clown, Commander."

>      "You must be joking Rei."

Tsuneo: Consider who you're talking to here.

>      "..."

Dan: Once again, Rei gets all the best lines.

>      "Right. Never mind." The visual feed from Unit 00 confirmed that
> none of the pilots were losing their minds.

Rebecca: Relatively speaking, of course.

> It was a... mime.

>      Kensuke, as you all know, was the rookie of the bunch.

Tsuneo: Yes, thank you fic. We never would have guessed that he was the
one that wasn't chosen in the series nor was selected until an earlier
chapter of this stupid fic if you hadn't reminded us.

> His
> 'combat' experience was limited to video games and Bruce Willis
> movies.

Dan: And the battle in chapter two, but hey, they wrote it so it doesn't
count.
Rick: And even then, only Hudson Hawk.

> So naturally he decided that now was the perfect moment for a one-liner.

Rick: Remember kids, action movies cause Kensuke Aida and Neon Armageddon
Evangelist. Sad, huh?
Tsuneo: In a Jackie Chan movie, this would be a fine moment to find
something breakable... And hit Jackie with it.

> "Well you know what they say,  'A mime is a terrible thing to waste'."

Rebecca: I dunno, I think wasting a mime is a good idea.

>      A quick debate ensued between the other Eva pilots as to which
> was a greater threat to mankind; the angel, or Kensuke's sense of
> humour.

Rick: It's hard, I know.
Tsuneo: Say, is that or is it not the angel that's currently bearing down
on them at a considerable speed? Just wondering.

> For now, it was the angel.

Dan: Kensuke would have to wait.

> Volleys of ordinance flew towards the angel from the heroes' robots.

Rick: Quentin Tarantino presents: Reservoir EVAs.

> Explosions blanketed the
> area where Marcel stood, obscuring him from sight.

Rebecca: [Toji] Oh, that was easy. Let's go home.

> As the dust
> settled and the smoke cleared, Marcel stood, unfazed, staring at his
> attackers.

Rick: [Marcel] They don't like me...

> He... smiled, waved his hand at the heroes, and placed
> his hands against a seemingly imaginary wall, as if trying to find
> the edge of it.

Tsuneo: I'd love to know what this is accomplishing.
Dan: It's an Angel. You can never be quite sure what it's doing. Apart
from stomping the city, that is.

>      "It's no good Commander. Marcel has an AT field

Rebecca: And he's not afraid to use it!

> that's rivalling
> Ramiel, the 5th Angel's in power. The Eva's aren't armed with
> anything powerful enough to match that at the moment." Aoba said.

Dan: Then deploy something bigger. Duh.
Tsuneo: Although they could all neutralise its AT field, or did we skip
that bit of training?

>      "That doesn't seem to discourage them, though." Hyuuga remarked,
> indicating the defender's actions.

Rick: [Kensuke] It absorbed all our shots. What do we do now?
Dan: [Toji] Keep firing!

>      "Okay little boys, follow me..." Asuka began as she moved her
> Eva-scale broad axe to a more aggressive posture in preparation for
> her charge.  However, it wasn't to be.

Tsuneo: Because that means doing something *right* in this fic.
Rebecca: Fate had other plans.

>      "Yippie-kay-yo-ka-yay!" Kensuke yelled as he sped past Asuka's
> position,

Dan: Wielding his Hackmaster +12 two-handed.

> an Eva-scale handgun blazing away in each fist.

Rebecca: Chow Yun Fat he ain't.

> He didn't get very far though,

Rick: He tripped over his own shoelaces. How embarrassing.

> as Asuka grabbed his power cord and held him fast.

Tsuneo: We obviously have a small problem with authority here.

> He kept trying, though, and gouged out a pair of impressive
> ruts as she held him.

Dan: Well this fic's sure stuck in a rut.

>      "Listen, fanboy, I don't know who you think you are

Rick: Bruce Willis?
Dan: Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Tsuneo: Mel Gibson?
Rebecca: Demi Moore?

> but we need to get a few things straight: one-

Rick: Always check their teeth.

> don't break formation, and two-

Tsuneo: Don't waste time in the middle of a battle.

> around here, _I_ lead the valiant charges against unfathomable odds,

Rebecca: [Asuka] Like with Israfel... Uh, hang on...
Rick: Kensuke just gets to wear a red shirt.

> okay?"  Asuka's dissertation of the virtues of a pecking order went
> on for a few minutes,

Rebecca: Is this Asuka or Marissa? I'm not sure any more.
Rick: You mean you ever were?
Tsuneo: I worry about you, Rick. The fics are starting to affect your
sense of reason. [Pause] What am I saying?

> plenty of time for the others to casually
> stroll past and approach the real opponent. 

Dan: And no-one brought them back to reality? They just let them argue
like that? Are we meant to swallow this?

>      Toji tapped his Eva's knuckles on Marcel's 'Invisible box'.
> "Well this seems pointless.

Rebecca: You took the words right out of my mouth.

> It's just sitting in there like a lump.
> It's not attacking, but we can't just LEAVE it in the city.

Rick: Odds on you'd find it stripped and propped up on bricks.

> Hey Shinji, how DO you get through an AT field?"

Tsuneo: You've been doing this for two years and no-one *told* you that?
Rick: Didn't you read the manual?

>      Shinji thought about it, scratching the back of his head.

Dan: [Shinji] Oh great, now I've got dandruff. My life is perfect now.
Tsuneo: [Shinji] Let's see, I do it every single mission, so why can't
I remember?

> "Umm,
> well the Positron Rifle worked once, but usually we just use the
> Eva's own AT fields to counteract them."

Dan: Thank you, mister statement of the bleedingly obvious. So why in
blazes haven't you done that yet?

> (Shinji failed to mention
> that this also left the EVA's undefended to the Angels attacks,
> leaving much opportunity for maiming and screaming.)                       

Tsuneo: But its the sole purpose for deploying the EVA's AT field, so
never mind.

>      "Oh really?! Let me try that." Eva 04's hands began to pry at
> Marcel's field with all its might.

Rick: Didn't we suggest something like this about five paragraphs ago?
Rebecca: [Toji] Damn doors keep getting stuck.

> Marcel, with a bemused look on
> his face watched the hole grew to shoulder width.  Then, smiling,
> DoubleSlapped Toji half way across the city, right past an oblivious
> Asuka and Kensuke; still arguing.

Dan: Doubleslap? That does it. This is just an oversized Mr. Mime
Pokemon!
Rebecca: That would be enough for me to loose any respect I had for
these people. If I had any.

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I may not be an artist but I know what I like. And this, I don't like.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tsuneo: I couldn't agree more.

>      Four score and seven delays later the Palladium guest of honour
> had finally arrived and taken the podium.

Dan: He had twenty squillion typos and half a dozen pages missing, but
never mind.
Rick: That's nice, but isn't there meant to be a fight scene going on
outside?
Rebecca: These are Trekkies. Try telling them about reality.
Rick: I was talking about the fic, actually.
Rebecca: Try telling them about reality too.

> "Greeting conventioneers. My name is Wayne Breaux.

Dan: I do the writing the rest of Palladium's staff would be too embarrassed
to do.

> You may remember me from such fine books
> such as Rifts: Australia, Worldbook 17, Perspective; Who Needs it,
> and You Too Can Draw Stick Figures.

Rebecca: Not to mention the bestseller, Copying Model Sheets For Fun And
Profit.
Rick: And let's not forget Robotech: Strike Force, which of course has
nothing to do with the Malcotents Uprising comic.

> After my talk I'll be signing Palladium's latest book,

Dan: [Breaux] Although it, um, isn't here.

> Rifts: Canada.

Tsuneo: Don't laugh. It's under development.

> This newest expansion to our
> line includes such additions as: Canadian Spackle Warfare, OCC Cyber
> Mountie, RCC Beaver, and new weapons supplier AVRO technologies.

Tsuneo: No really, don't laugh.

> In the meantime I will be glad to field any questions you have.

Rick: Nose lasers?
Rebecca: Zentradi monitor?
Dan: Beta?
Tsuneo: Rifts Australia?

> Yes sir," pointing to someone in the audience.

>      "What happened to the GOOD artists? You know, Long and Ewell."
> said undisclosed fanboy 1.

Dan: Ask FASA.

>      "I will be glad to field any question you have on MY work.  Next
> question."

>      "Why does your work suck so much?" remarked undisclosed fanboy 2.

Rick: Because he's cheap.

>      "I will be glad to field any intelligent questions you have.  Yes
> sir?"

Tsuneo: What was the Chrysler building doing in the ruins of Sydney?

>      "Why is it that none of the structures you design can exist in
> normal 3 dimensional space?" added undisclosed fanboy 3.

Rebecca: Because he sucks. Didn't you hear?

>      "HA-ha-ha-ha. My unique artistic style, following in the works of
> M.C. Escher,

Dan: On drugs. Actually, his work *off* drugs.

> focuses on unique design principles concentrating more on
> the aesthetics, visible to only the educated eye, than on technical
> realism."

Rebecca: In other words, it sucks.

>      "Like I said before, how come your work sucks?" remarked
> undisclosed fanboy 2 again.

Rick: For the answer to this, look under the optional critical damage
tables for arms.

>      Mr. Breaux's curt response was interrupted by the ear splitting
> sound of

Rick: Chyna doing guest commentary.

> the roof being shorn away by

Dan: A Palladium lawsuit heading our way.

> Eva 04's flailing hands.

All: EVA 04?
Tsuneo: What the hell is it doing here? Kensuke's is unit 05!

> Fans
> milled around in confusion as bits of superstructure fell on them,
> killing hordes and hordes of red-shirts.

Rebecca: The moral of this story: Being a Trekkie sucks.

> Breaux, realizing that this was a cartoon fanfiction,

Rick: Escaped though the hole in the fourth wall.

> attempted to draw himself an escape route.
> However, having drawn hinges on both sides of the door 'so it would open
> faster' his efforts to haul it open failed miserably.

Dan: A tragedy. If he'd just copied someone else's door, he would have lived.

> Looking up, he
> saw his fate descend upon him as a piece of the con logo fell.  He ended
> up buried beneath the last word of "Gainax Pan-Dimensional Ultra Anime,
> RPG and Star Trek Con."

Tsuneo: That's right, we include a real person in our fanfic just so we can
kill him. Aren't we mature.
Rick: Wayne Breaux is real?
Tsuneo: Yes, Wayne Breaux is real, no matter how hard this may be to believe.

>      A costumed Star Trek fanboy witnessed the scene, stopped, turned to
> the camera, screwed up his face and screamed, CONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!".

All except Tsuneo: CONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Tsuneo: Just when you thought we had reached new depths of inanity, the fic
still manages to surprise us.

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> I will survive.  I will survive. As long as I know how to love I know
> I'll stay alive..... maybe
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan: So we're supplementing a stupid 90's fanfiction with cheesy 70's
music. Swell. Dandy even.

>      The Eva slid black under the force of the blow, tearing up blocks
> of city streets. Finally, it was brought to a halt, falling backwards to
> the ground. Thankfully, the remains of convention hall cushioned the
> blow. "Thank god all the people were evacuated." Misato groaned.

Rebecca: Who wants to tell her?

>      Someone dressed as a Klingon warrior stumbled into view of the
> camera from the remains of the convention hall. "Perhaps today was a good
> day to die. *thud*" 

Tsuneo: Whatever. It certainly wasn't a good day to be a Trekkie.
Rick: It's never a good day to be a Trekkie.

>      "Maya,... You DID evacuate the city; yes?" Inquired Ms. Katsuragi

Rick: [Misato] You know... That procedure about Angel attacks we always
follow to the letter... [Dr. Evil] Work with me here, people...

>      "*mumble-mumble* Ritsuko *mumble-mumble* jacket *mumble-mumble* hot-
> steaming *mumble-mumble*

Rebecca: [Maya] Upright locked position.
Dan: [Maya] Klatu Verata Niktu.
Rick: [Maya] Bah Weep Grah Nah Weep Nini Bong.
Tsuneo: [Maya] All over the carpet.

> What? Oh yeah. I'll get right on it."

Rebecca: She said that to Aoba too, if I recall.

>      "..."

Dan: Rei, you're not in this scene.

>       Fuyutsuki mumbled quietly to himself, "They'll need help."

Tsuneo: Truer words were never spoken.

> He pushed a button on his watch.

Dan: Making sure the camera got a good shot of the brand.
Rick: [Fuyutski] Calculator, schedule, stopwatch, laser... Damn, it's in
here somewhere!
Rebecca: [HAL] Yes, Kozo?

>       Off to the side of the scene outside the con.

Dan: They're waiting in the wings?
Tsuneo: This makes no sense.
Rick: And?

> A battered Waylan
> Smithers could be seen dragging an equally bruised Montgomery burns

Dan: How would you tell?
Rick: It brings out colour.

> out
> of the convention halls remains; the latter seemed to be regaining
> consciousness.

Rebecca: I'd be worried if it was Smithers regaining consciousness.

>      "Smithers,.... What... what happened? I can't.... quite remember..."

Tsuneo: Don't worry, you didn't miss a thing.

>      "We were in the convention sir. An unplanned angel attack disrupted
> the gathering and I had to drag you to safety after the ceiling began to
> collapse, sir." Smithers replied to his employer.

Dan: No-one was forcing you, you know.

>      "So when you grabbed me around the waist..."

Rick: We all thought the bad taste index had peaked. Whoops.

>      "... it was just so I could hurry you to safety sir."

Rebecca: Nice save there, Smithers.

>      "And after you tripped and we fell you ripped open my shirt and ran
> your hands over my chest....?"

Dan: Scarring the viewers for life in the process?

>      "...Because I thought your heart had stopped and I had to administer CPR"

Rick: How could you tell?

>      "So you pressing your lips against mine was"

Tsuneo: Making me hurl my lunch.

>      "...an attempt to supply your lungs with oxygen sir."

Rebecca: Why bother?

>      "Well that explains all but two things.

Dan: [Burns] One, what are EVAs?
Rick: [Burns] Two, why am I still alive when I should be 131 years old?

> First, when you were trying
> to supply me with life giving air, why was your tongue in my mouth?"

Rebecca: Weasel out of this one.

>      "Er,... Um." squirmed Smithers,

Dan: Plead the fifth!

> "I ... had to -check-. To see, if....
> your tongue had obstructed your breathing passage."

Tsuneo: That's *not* the way you do it, you know.

>      "Yes,....", Burns only sounded partially convinced. "Very well. That
> explains that, but it does not explain why you removed my thong bikini
> briefs."

Dan: This is a little more information than I needed to know.

>      "..."

> ---------------------------
> More than meets the eyesore
> ---------------------------

Rick: I dunno, we've seen some pretty horrid stuff so far.

>      Somewhere deep in American territory,

Tsuneo: So... The US conquered the Congo? Help?

> three strangely dissimilar
> people sat around a table in a bar.

Rebecca: Hawg Wallers!

> A bartender was polishing a glass off to one side.

Tsuneo: Evenly redistributing the grease between his supplies.

> One of the three, a male with tousled hair under a five-gallon
> hat, was addressing the other two.

Dan: [Man] Right, you keep the staff covered, you blow the safe and I'll keep
watch for the cops.

> "So I says to my sister, Sis, we can't
> be doing this sorta thing.  What if our pappy'..."

Rick: In the deep south? He'd approve. Along with your mum/aunt.

>     Abruptly, klaxons began to wail.

Tsuneo: And the "Didn't wash hands" sign over the restroom lit up.

> The bartender looked confused.

Rebecca: Can you blame him?

> A column of light appeared before the trio, with a misty indistinct face
> suspended within. 

Tsuneo: ...
Rick: Great. Now its turned Power Rangers on us.
Rebecca: Either that or Red Dwarf. Either way, I don't want to be there.

>      The bartender looked very confused.

Dan: And who can blame him? His dark, dingy saloon had just turned into a
lively juice bar.

>      The floating head spoke, "Team Ultra Sigma Force. Our moment of
> greatest need has finally arrived."

Rebecca: [Man] What happened to your mouth?
Rick: [Floating head] It's fuzzy. It's just out of focus, okay?

>      The bartender looked exceedingly confused.

All: He's not the only one.

>      "Gee-awsh darn it. It's s'bout time we had ourselves an ethnic
> cleansing.

Rick: Remember kiddies, all Americans talk like this.

> Hey Nunzio, is aliens counting as ethnic?"

Rick: Only if they live locally.

>      The gentlemen wearing a badly fitting suit (with a mysterious bulge
> at his left armpit),

Dan: [Man] So that's where my lunch got to.
Rick: See what happens when you don't use deodorant?

> sunglasses, a cigarette  and a violin case was about
> to respond but was cut off by a loud, female, "P-shaw. Like? Get off the
> violent bent Goober. Your whole aggression thing is upsetting my aura.
> Rilly.  We're supposed to champions of goodness and rightness and the
> American Way and Mom's Apple Pie and, y'know, junk."

Tsuneo: Let's just see how offensively stereotypical we can get before
someone shoots us, shall we?
Rebecca: Hey, they're Canadians. They're allowed to beat up on Americans.
Tsuneo: Why?
Rebecca: Because Americans beat up on Canadians all the time.

>      "There's no time for quarrelling, Team."

Dan: So get out there and pose up a storm!

> The disembodied head spoke again.

Rick: His lips *still* aren't moving.

> "The crisis is at-"

>      A second, more female looking face appeared in the light.  "Hey,
> Commander Fuyutsuki, why are you talking to your watch?"

All: ...
Dan: My respect for these writers has dropped *again.*
Rick: At least he's doing something in an EVA fic. True, it's totally
stupid, pointless and not at all funny, but it's something.

>      The first face snapped at the second, obviously agitated.  "Not now!

Rebecca: [Fuyutski] I'm busy! Go bug someone else. 

> Look, I'll explain later. Shouldn't you be watching the battle?"

Dan: You call five minutes of headlocks a battle?

>      The second face left, and the first again addressed the people in
> the bar. 

Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] Pay no attention to that other head.

> "Ahem, as I was saying.  The crisis is at hand.  Launch immediately!"

Rick: Cue up the stock footage! Badly cut between fresh film and grainy
Japanese tapes! Spend five minutes gearing up for a fight that's over in two!

>      The three leapt to their feet.  "Right!  Let's Go Voltron Fo-"

Dan: Let's not and say we didn't.

>      "HEY!  You're not part of that outfit anymore."  The head chided.

Rebecca: They got good. And besides, those flares...

>      "Hehe.  Sorry.  Team Ultra Sigma Force Heroic Overblown Launch
> Sequence Activate!"

Rick: Oh yeah, and cancel the milk.

>      The bartender, now totally baffled, was about to politely ask what
> was going on

Tsuneo: Don't bother, it's not worth it.

> when he, the bottles, mirror, bar and even the stools
> retracted rapidly into the ceiling,

Dan: Hello? Hello? I appear to be stuck in here. Hello?

> revealing three fireman-poles.
> The three heroes each leapt to a pole and slid out of sight.

All: To the Batcave!

> -------------------
> Of thud and blunder
> -------------------

Tsuneo: Emphasis on the blunder.

>      The Evas were having trouble against their latest opponent: Marcel,
> Angel of Facepaint.

Dan: And all things tacky.
Rebecca: Guardian of the street artist.
Rick: There's an Angel for everything these days, isn't there?

> Toji was still down from the hit he had taken earlier,
> and Asuka and Kensuke continued to argue

Rebecca: [Asuka] For the last time, I do not look like Lina! Got that?
Rick: [Kensuke] The MiBs were wrong! I do not wear underwear like that!
Tsuneo: I think I've said all I need to about training and professionalism
by now.

> (Asuka, of course, doing most of the yelling).

Rebecca: And the shooting.
Rick: It would be nice if *something* happened in this fight.

> The city then, was in the hands of her two competent
> defenders, Shinji and Rei.

Dan: Thank god for small things.

> These two covered Marcel,

Rick: Woth a nice tartan picnic rug.
Dan: And tried to beat out the flames.

> trying to think of a way through its substantial defence.  

Tsuneo: ...Oh, forget it.

>      "Okay, guys," Toji's voice came over the commlink.  "I'm up,

Rick: Took his sweet time.
Rebecca: He had to retcon his limbs back into existence again.

> and I'm coming back to- hey?" 

Dan: As coherent as ever.

>      Warning lights began to flash in the command centre.  "Commander!"
> Hyuuga yelled "Unit 04's power cord has been cut!"

Rebecca: Just use some duct tape. That fixes everything.

>      "There's another power building 200m to his left, send him there."

Rick: [Misato] And tell him to get some milk while he's there.

>      Toji tried to move in the direction he was given, but found himself
> against an invisible barrier.

Tsuneo: Oh look, it's the obligatory pane of glass for someone to crash
through.

> "What the?"  He felt around, only to find
> more barriers.  "Aw, Crap!  That stupid clown put me in a box!"

Dan: Poor bastard. Toji's been turned into a mime.

>      "Toji," Misato ordered.

Rebecca: She also ordered six cans of beer and a beer chaser.

> "Go to standby mode to conserve power until
> we can get you out. Aoba, status on target?"

Rick: [Aoba] It's big and dumb-looking. Whaddya want?

>      "Good news and bad news, commander.  He's advancing on Units 00 and 01,
> but his AT field is down 25 percent and continuing to decline."

All: Sell! Sell! Sell!

>      "REI!" Shinji's voice yelled, "Concentrate your AT Field on your power
> cable." 

Tsuneo: Hello? This isn't Star Wars. They don't do that!

>      "Affirmative." she responded.

>      "Fields forming around units 01 and 00; they're trapped,

Dan: Those contracts are vicious.

> but their power is stable. Marcel's field

Rebecca: Since when did NERV staff refer to Angels by name?

> is down by 75 percent and holding.

Tsuneo: Guess these guys don't know how an AT field works either.

> Target now approaching Units 02 and 05."

Dan: The odd couple.
Rick: Abbot and Costello.
Rebecca: Dinobot and Rattrap.
Tsuneo: Ryoko and Ayeka.

>       Marcel was nonchalantly strolling over to the STILL ARGUING Evas. He
> appeared to be studying them,

Rebecca: [Bad German accent] Here ve see ze predatory Asuka engaged in a life
or death struggle vith its partner.

> ascertaining which would be the greater threat.

Rick: How hard can that be? Last guy to paint his mech red shot down 3
battleships in his first battle.

> The command staff was screaming bloody murder,

Dan: [Yian Newman] It's pro wrestling.

> trying to grab Asuka's attention.

Rebecca: [Misato] I know what'll do the trick.
Dan: [Kaji] Put me down!

> Kensuke almost turned around to deal with the angel

Rick: But realised it was the lesser of the menaces present.

> but was abruptly cut off and yanked back by the irate red-head,

Rebecca: Guess they put Lina in the EVA by mistake.

> "YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU MISTER!".

Tsuneo: Sorry, I thought there was someone called Asuka in this scene. Guess I
was mistaken.

>       Misato hung her head, "We're all...

Tsuneo: [Misato] Stuck in a crappy fanfic.

> going to die."

All: Shut up, Misato!

>       Hyuuga, "But wait, up in the sky."

Tsuneo: Explode at 11 o'clock sharp!

>       Aoba, "It's ... a bird?"

Rick: Splat. [Aoba] Yup, it's a bird.

>       "No, it's a plane." Hyuuga argued.

Tsuneo: It's a DC-10, and it's gonna crash!
Dan: It's the Megazord, here to gratuitously pose up a storm!

>       "It's... a hotdog cart?" Maya rubbed her eyes and took another look.

Dan: No. No, sorry, I refuse to accept that. That is just *too* damn stupid,
even for this *incredibly* stupid fic.
Rick: But original.
Dan: Ever wondered *why* no-one's done it before?
Tsuneo: Oh, great. *More* sausage jokes. Just what we needed.
Rebecca: If you can call them sausages.

>       "No," Aoba pointed at the monitor "see, it's just carrying the cart."

Rebecca: Oh, that makes it better, does it?

>       "Oh, okay then... WHAT?"  Maya checked her displays.

Rick: [Maya] Wiley's jeep?
Dan: Nice and obscure there.

> "The radar shows that cart as being larger than this room!"

Tsuneo: And given that Unit 01 *and* Zeruel fit in here, that's a *damn* big
cart!
Rebecca: Obviously they're catering for Lina.

>       "Damn, that's a big bird." Aoba shook his head in wonder.

Dan: [Aoba] A big, yellow, merchandisable bird of indeterminate gender nonetheless.

>       "Look, I'm telling you it's a plane."

Rick: [Hyuga] It's an F-104 Starfighter. See, its wings just fell off.

>       "Its got a beak and talons!  It's a bird!"

Rebecca: [Aoba] Look at that beautiful plumage.
Tsuneo: [Hyuga] The plumage don't enter into it, it's still a plane.

>       "Its got jet engines and an 'I Love New York' bumper sticker on its tail.
> It's a plane!"

Tsuneo: And a bad taste plane at that.
Rick: Maybe it's a plane shaped like a bird?

[Pause]

All: Nah.

>       While the debate raged on, the new combatants entered the killing zone.

Dan: The trendy new night club.

> Dropping the massive Hot-Dog cart

Rick: Well that achieved a lot.

> (which used its umbrella to slow its descent)

Tsuneo: Of course, the umbrella promptly turned inside-out and it plummeted to
a huge yet strangely beautiful explosion. The end.

> at a strategic point, the 7-winged Phoenix

Rick: Okay, how are those *seven* wings arranged?
Rebecca: Don't make them think, you'll ruin the fic.

> circled around to assess the situation.

Dan: Hmm. A bunch of huge robots are fighting each other while staring down an
immense mime. And there's a huge frigging hotdog cart. What are you going to do
about it?
Tsuneo: Um... Go home?

> A third vehicle entered the fray,

Rick: At this rate, it's going to either be a Mr. Whippy van, a three-toed
sloth or a frog.

[They all glare at Rick]

Rick: Whoops.

> a seemingly nondescript red Mustang convertible.

Dan: Well I guess that ain't so bad... Apart from being totally useless here,
that is.

> The driver, an attractive blonde
> woman in a spandex jumpsuit (colour coordinated with the car)

Dan: Hey, no fair! Only guys are allowed to be the Red Ranger.
Rebecca: I dread the thought of what colour the hotdog cart driver's outfit
is.

> let her hair blow free in the wind as she raced towards the battle.

Tsuneo: Don't they normally wear helmets? You know, something about secret
identities?

>      The Phoenix made a strafing run on Marcel, covering the Hot-Dog cart's
> advance.

Rick: How can it advance? It's a cart!

> Now in range, the titanic barbeque opened.

Dan: Oh. I'm terrified. What's it gonna do, spray Marcel with bad mustard?
Tsuneo: Nah, it's gonna fling all the built-up grease at him.
Rick: No, it'll give him a hotdog and kill him with cholesterol.

> "Take this, ya big polecat!  Sigma Solar Grill Fire!"

Rebecca: Lightwave Cannon!
Dan: KAMEHAMEHA!
Tsuneo: Big Ass Blast!
Rick: Finger Water Squirt Gun!

> Massive gouts of flame bathed Marcel, but were held back by its AT field.

Rebecca: I think I've spotted a tiny flaw in this plan.

> Marcel placed the palms of its hands
> against its cheeks and formed its lips into a moue of false horror.

Dan: Kill it.

>      "I tinks we's should be teaching dis gentleman a lessons in respect."
> Nunzio grated.  He then fired of a massive volley of missiles, which
> spiralled erratically towards the Angel, and had about as much effect as
> you would expect.

Tsuneo: Guess who's been buying Godzilla movie surplus again?
Dan: [Nunzio] Next time we buy guided missiles.

>      The sports car drove around Marcel's feet, annoyingly.  (What did you
> expect it to do?  It's a Ford!)

Rick: Ram it and burst into flame thanks to unprotected fuel tanks?
Rebecca: Break down?
Dan: Have concealed weapons or something?
Tsuneo: Nah. That would be smart.
Rick: Say, how'd the Ford get across the Pacific in a matter of minutes?
Rebecca: It flew in the hot dog cart.

>      In the command centre, Hyuuga turned to Aoba.

Rick: For, when enraged, Hyuga undergoes an incredible metamorphosis... He
becomes: Redundant Man!

> "Five hundred yen says they all buy it in five minutes."

>      Aoba grinned.  "I'll say four... and it's a bird."

Rick: I give them three.
Rebecca: One, and that's being kind.
Dan: I'll go on the outside and take six minutes.
Tsuneo: They're still there? I lose.

>      "This is like, sooo not working!  We've got to like, be more pro-active
> or some junk!" 

Rick: Anyone who actually understood that last sentence, raise your hand.

>      With a cry of "Team Ultra Sigma Titan Combination Force Activate!"

[They all gasp and wheeze for breath]

> the three vehicles converged.

Tsuneo: And crashed in a huge fireball. The end.

> With a whirr of motors, flashes of light,
> lots of speed lines and a great deal of stock footage,

Rick: Nothing happened.

> the three machines transformed and combined into a titanic humanoid robot.

All: I'm huge!

> With a Phoenix's head and wings,

Tsuneo: All *seven* of them.

> a body composed of a VERY transformed Hot-Dog cart

Rebecca: Well, you'd hope so.

> and one very sporty red shoe,

Dan: That one *really* doesn't contribute to this team.

> the robot brandished the folded umbrella at Marcel.
> The sun glinted off the parasol with a nice sounding -gleam-.

Dan: We're all gonna die.
Rick: Question: Does how long they last include combination time?
Dan: Um... No.

>      Marcel, almost collapsing with silent laughter at this point,

Rick: While we all gaped in silent horror.
Rebecca: I thought he'd be weeping openly, myself.

> casually
> waved one hand at the machine, using its AT field to hurl debris at the robot.  

Tsuneo: No comment.

>      "Quick!  Deploy the shield!"  The umbrella popped open, deflecting most
> of the rubble. However, it was badly torn.

Dan: Face it. You're screwed.

>      "Youse lousy lowest biddahs!

Rebecca: Another quality project brought to you by the US Department of
Defence! Cheaper *is* better!

> We's gotta counter-attack!  Go Rocket
> Punch!" The war-machine launched its fists in a blaze of glory.  Marcel
> dodged.  The fists continued on their merry way, spiralling aimlessly
> through the air.

Rick: Okay wise-ass, now what?

>       "Isn't dey's supposed ta come back?" Nunzio sweated.

Tsuneo: You'd think so.
Rebecca: I see the design phase was a bit rushed.

>       "So, like, what do we do now, genius?  I got no plan, 'kay?"

>       "Well, I reckon we're screwed, m'self."

Dan: That's it? One robot fist attack and nothing else?
Rick: Can't they form a Blazing Sword?
Dan: With what?
Rick: Good point.

>       Not wanting to prove the Texan wrong, Marcel strode forward and drove
> his hand into the robot's Hot-Dog cart torso.

Rebecca: Hey, that's sexual harassment!
Rick: He's using the fist of death!

> Secondary explosions wracked
> the body, bits and pieces of the mighty combiner began to fall away.

Rick: I win.

> -------------------
> Scotty beam her up.
> -------------------

Tsuneo: And get her away from us.

>      Chaos and anarchy reigned;

Dan: Pandemonium hailed with light patches of discord.

> it was an equal opportunity monarchy.
> Girders and concrete were falling everywhere.

Tsuneo: Down, even.

> Innocent and unaccounted-for
> extras were being taken down faster than the disposable ninjas from Chapter
> One.

Rebecca: That *is* fast.

> For some strange reason, a disturbingly large percentage of these
> casualties happened to be red-shirts from the old Star Trek series, but
> that wasn't important... at the moment.

Dan: Since when *have* redshirts been important?

>      What WAS important was that the uberspawn of Stephen Ratliff's
> imagination, Marissa Picard was still scampering for her life on the
> stage with actor Patrick Stewart. "Daddy, Daddy! You've got to get us
> out of here!" bawled the uncharacteristically phased teen.

Dan: I think she would have noticed.
Rebecca: Marissa's out of character? That does take effort.
Rick: Are you kidding? She'd have saved the convention center by now,
defeated the angel, tied Cthulu's tentacles in knots and burned "I lost to
a bunch of kids" into the side of the moon.

>      "Forget it kid, you're on your own." replied Stewart curtly.

Tsuneo: An excellent move! Of course, she'll kill you for that.
Dan: Or worse.
Tsuneo: How so?
Dan: You could have Wesley as your son-in-law.

> "Number One, prepare one to...

Rick: Didn't *someone* say *something* about just acting?

> Wait!" Stewart made a double take,
> looking at some point just beyond Marissa. He smiled impishly. "Very
> well. Make that two to beam aboard. Scotty, beam her up."

>      Marissa was grateful and confused at the same time. She was being
> saved,...

Dan: So she could continue her reign of terror.

> but why on Earth was Captain Picard calling for Scotty. Scotty
> was in the first series but not...

Rebecca: Actually, I have to point out that Scotty is a member of Marissa's
Stargazer crew. How about these guys do a little research next time?

> *WA-TAK*...

All: ...
Tsuneo: Now it's personal.

> Her logic'ing was cut short as a stealthy James Doohan had snuck up behind her

Dan: I'm surprised she didn't hear the zimmer frame creaking.
Rick: Are you kidding? By now, he's *got* to be dead.
Rebecca: Or so fat he can't move.

> and smacked her upside the head with a two-by-four,

Dan: Hey, he's joined the Union.

> then pulled a red first-series security uniform
> over her head, pinning her arms. 

Tsuneo: Oh, watch. This is gonna be *real* funny.

>      "Well done Mr. Scott. Enterprise, beam myself and Mr. Scott aboard.
> The situation has been resolved." And with bottled, stock footage effects,
> the actors were transported away from the stage to live happier lives in
> the world of syndicated reruns. 

Rick: I'd say it was nice knowing the fourth wall, but this fic never really
had one.

>       As for what happened to dear little Marissa?....

Dan: I have a bad feeling that we're gonna find out.

> Well, we couldn't say
> for sure, for as Picard and Scotty beamed out, a large Styrofoam rock landed
> in front of Marissa, completely obscuring her from view. We heard some
> screams and witnessed a great deal of sharp, pointy wreckage fall behind
> the rock (and perhaps witnessed the occasional limb fly in our direction),
> but we may never know for sure....

All: Boo!
Rick: I'm not booing because they killed Marissa. I'm booing because Marissa
killing is so passe. *Everyone* does it.
Rebecca: Actually, those severed limbs belong to Ensign Throwaway.
Tsuneo: I'm booing because it was a pointless and bloody long addition to the
fic!
Dan: What did Marissa ever do to them? Specifically, I mean.

> ------------------
> Rapid scene change
> ------------------

Rebecca: Oh, we're used to them by now.

>      "Hey!  Don't you go a-grabbin my buns!  Stop that!  L'eggo mah wiener!

Tsuneo: We all saw it coming, but that doesn't mean it's any *less* painful.

> That just ain't right!  I'll sick the Baptist church on y'all!"  

Dan: And *that* is a threat!

>      Everyone, both NERV staff and pilots, could only stare as Marcel fixed
> himself a Eva scale lunch from his opponent. 

Rick: So, let me get this right. A massive hot dog stand actually comes
equipped with massive hot dogs, enormous buns and gallons of tomato sauce?
Rebecca: That seems to be the case.

>      "Shinji?" asked Rei

>      "Yes Rei?" he replied

>      "Your Eva is drooling."

All: Eww...
Dan: Do you know how hard it'll be to get those stains out of the carpet?

>      "I know."

>      "It's disturbing.

Tsuneo: Uh, Rei? Hello?

> Can you make it stop?"

>      "Have I ever been able to make it stop before?

Dan: Only when it runs out of power.
Rick: You could ask it very nicely.

> OH MY GOD!"

Rebecca: That may not be the best thing to say in an EVA fic.
Dan: And suddenly bang! There's Brett Handy!

>      "What is it doing now?"

>      "It's got the sauerkraut!"

Rick: You mean Asuka?

>      Toji, whose communication was still active intoned "You mean Asuka?"

Rick: See? They're copying us, I swear it!

>      "WHAT?! Someone dares to insult the great Asuka Langley Soryuu?!

All: WA-TAK!

> They
> will pay!" Asuka, finally broken from her discussion with Kensuke, charged
> into battle (finally), knocking the aforementioned rookie to the ground.  

Tsuneo: Um, Asuka? The Angel's the other way...
Rebecca: [Asuka] Whoops, sorry. Thought I saw Bardiel.

>      As expected, her charge was short lived as Marcel quickly boxed her in
> with 59.9999 seconds (and counting) of power remaining. 

Rick: Don't they usually start with five minutes?

>      "Schiesse!"

Dan: I'm so glad I don't speak ADVese German.

>       "Welcome to the one-minute club 'hero'." mocked Toji.

Rebecca: Uh, Toji? You're stuck in the same box as her. You might not want to
do that.

>       Misato raised her head from her hands. "Are we dead yet?"

Tsuneo: Not yet, but we're working on it.

>       "No, and target's AT field is now at 0 strength." Maya replied.

>       "That's GOOD!"

>       "But we only have one Eva left who can save us.....and it's Kensuke."

>       "That's bad."

Dan: Well, if you'd done this little thing called training, you know,
everyone gets it.

> -----------------------
> The silence of the hams
> -----------------------

Dan: Actually, the hams are pretty loud around here.

>      The convention was going to hell in hand basket;

Rick: You mean it wasn't already there?

> Issei felt quite at home.

Rebecca: Oh look, there's the transvestite Devil! All he needs to do is pee
his pants, and it's perfect.

> Despite the fact that the walls were crumbling around them,
> and the fans had run for cover, he was still busy fighting Lisa.

Tsuneo: *Ahem!*
Dan: [Issei] Red!
Tsuneo: [Lisa] Blue!
Rick & Rebecca: ...

> No headway was to be gained against her though as she effortlessly
> blocked his strikes and lunges with her AT field. 

Tsuneo: Of course, if he's an Angel then he's got one too...
Dan: Just don't remind him.

>      Though thick, neither of the avatars were blind.

Rebecca: I dunno, I think *Adam* may have something to say about that.

> They could clearly see that their battlefield was decaying rapidly

Rick: And was beginning to grow mould.

> and that a more auspicious location was in order. 

Dan: The bowels of hell?

>      "Weed butter furnish dis out-snide." Issei sayed.

Tsuneo: That can't be Issei, there aren't enough exclamation marks.

>      Lisa, after taking a moment to decipher Issei's request

Rick: Only a moment?
Rebecca: I suppose it's not that hard given her spelling.

> nodded her
> agreement. Any further reply she could have made was struck dumb as huge
> fragments of the ceiling tore away and plummeted downward.

>      Issei, not one to be daunted by something as trivial as a life or
> death situation,

Dan: His tiny little brain hadn't quite figured it out yet.
Tsuneo: For a guy who's a thousand times smarter than Shinji, he sure is
quite dumb.

> simply attempted to parry the oncoming rubble.

Rick: He was in AD&D, and thus automatically successful.

> Unfortunately, parrying rubble is about as effective as trying to cuddle
> with a cactus. 

Rick: Thus he died messily in a puddle of his own gore.
Tsuneo: And we're all laughing, aren't we.
Rebecca: Actually, I quite enjoyed that.
Tsuneo: You would.

>      Realizing that she could not outrun the oncoming debris,

Dan: She just teleported away, like she did in her fic.

> Lisa raised
> her hand above her, placing her AT field in a protective way to create
> a ceiling of shimmering power above her. The effort rooted her to her
> present location while holding the tonnes of detritus at bay.

Tsuneo: Any reason why she can't fly and use her AT field at the same
time like she does in the fic?
Rick: Because these guys didn't want to read all of it to do research?
Rebecca: And who can blame them?

> As such, this was a really inconvenient time for her.

Dan: She needed to pee.

> She'd just flown in for the
> convention, the airline placed her luggage on a flight to Bangladesh,

Tsuneo: And considering that Second Impact would have completely wiped
out the country, that is bad.

> she'd lost her Expressly American Traveller's Cheques, and there was
> about 30 tonnes of debris floating above her head. What else could go
> wrong?

Rick: Don't worry, we'll find something.
Rebecca: Jo calls up to say she's leaving?

>      Her cell phone rang.

Rebecca: Uh... Damn!

> Snapping it open with her free hand she yelled
> into it, "What the hell do you want? Who ever it is you'd better have a
> damn good reason for calling."

Tsuneo: Are you kidding? This is Lisa, the prozac poster child.
Dan: What's the bets it's a wrong number?

>      "Ma'am, this is your not-so-friendly AT&T operator calling.

Rick: At least he's honest.

> I'm calling to inform you that your last cheque has bounced

Tsuneo: [Operator] And was shot as a three-pointer.

> and we can no
> longer continue to provide service to you unless you can provide us with
> money immediately."

Dan: [Operator] Of course, you're in Japan and all, so that might be a bit
hard. Suffer.
Rebecca: I like this guy.

>      Lisa stared at her phone in astonishment.

Rick: Ah great, prank called by the 11th Angel.

> "Y'know buddy, now is REALLY not a good time. *Click*"

Tsuneo: That's a *bit* of an understatement, actually.

>      Back in the phone centre, a young disgruntled employee thought to
> himself. "Oh-ho! So you're too good to pay your bills eh? We'll see about
> that."

Rebecca: And remember: Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Petty power corrupts all out of proportion.

> Clicking on his screen he pulled up Ms. Foster's file.

Rick: Hopefully, he's got the MSTed version.
Tsuneo: I recall saying something about a fourth wall.

> Looking over
> her list of services he began to systematically deactivate them.

>       AT&T Cell phone service: Removed.

>       AT&T pager service: Removed.

Dan: You know, that might be a relief in some ways.

>       AT&T long distance rate service: Removed.

>       AT Field service...? "Field? I don't remember anyone mentioning that
> as a service we offered.

Rick: You'd be surprised.
Dan: She obviously got a very good package.

> Oh well, if we offer it, I can stop it right?": Removed. 

Tsuneo: For the *biggest* and *dumbest* plot contrivance of this entire
*stupid* fic.

>       Our minor peon of the great phone entity revelled in his act of
> empowerment.

Rick: [Operator] I'm the god! I'm the god!

> As the powers that had granted her were instantly revoked,
> he could almost hear the customer screaming in agony.

>       Pretty close to the truth actually. Life was good.

Tsuneo: Not if you had to just sit through that garbage.
Rebecca: All I can say is go the phone company dude.
Tsuneo: You are seriously worrying me, Rebecca. More so than normal, even.

> ---------------
> Dial K for Hero
> ---------------

Rick: If you're dyslexic, that is.

>       It was a classic western standoff.

Dan: Only in an EVA, against a clown, in a city in Japan and in the middle
of the morning.

> If possible, we'd even include an
> Eva scale tumbleweed to roll across the screen.

Rebecca: No. This is not WARenfeld.

> There stood Kensuke, faced
> with Marcel about a mile in front of him. The combiner robot was now little
> more than a broken tin wind-up toy.

Tsuneo: Not much change there, but hey.

> Eva 05's one solid eye stared out at Marcel uncaringly.

Rick: First one to blink loses.

> In each of his Eva's hands were one of the pistols from
> earlier, held at his sides. Marcel mimicked his stance and waited.

>       Kensuke drew.

Dan: A little bunny rabbit.

>       Marcel drew.

Rebecca: A four of hearts.

>       Kensuke fired,.... but was out of ammo.

Rick: Say, when did he use his ammo? Or did they supply it unloaded?

>       Marcel fired,.... but had no guns, so just wiggled his thumbs
> threateningly.

Tsuneo: In other words, it's miming his actions even though it's done nothing
like this before.
Dan: Hey, this is the bit of the mime act that makes you want to seriously
hurt the guy.
Rick: For me, it's the whole "invisible wall" bit.
Rebecca: Actually, it's when he mimes feeding spaghetti to an elephant.
Rick: I still want to know how that's done.

>       "Kensuke," boomed Maya's voice over the com "He can't use his powers
> because his AT Field is busy holding down the others.

Rebecca: Face it, Marcel, you just stuffed yourself.

> There's a weapons building 3 klick to your east. Head there."

Tsuneo: Pardon me for saying this, but don't they pack them a bit more densely?
Dan: Obviously they're out in the 'burbs.

>       Kensuke charged off to the right. Marcel mirrored his opponent's
> actions, blocking him from his destination.

Rick: [Announcer] Nice intercept there from Marcel! Kensuke's gonna need a
whole new strategy to win this one.

>       Kensuke came to an abrupt halt. Marcel mirrored his opponent's action.

>       Kensuke, dropping his empty pistols, waved at his opponent.

Dan: I fail to see what this is accomplishing.

>       Marcel waved back, a smile on his face.       

Tsuneo: Not that it really needed saying.

>       "Commander, I have a plan." said Kensuke. And then, he began to dance.

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Who's afraid of the big bad Croft ... or .... Hey DJ, check this out.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Tsuneo: Oh yes, forgot, there's still one cameo to pointlessly kill off.
Rebecca: It's DJ. It can't be pointless.
Tsuneo: As pointless as his appearance here in the first place.
Rebecca: If he dies, I don't care.
Tsuneo: ...

>       The dance of Shiva could be seen mirrored in the tortured cries of
> the populous that was now trying to hastily exit the scene of utter
> destruction that was the former Convention Centre.

Rick: Ah, so they're holding Ozcon there.

> DJ Croft was among those who had managed to escape earlier on.

Dan: There was something to do with MiBs, but that seems to have been
retconned.

> However, unlike the wise people who
> had run for the cover of shelters built for such emergencies, DJ had found
> a suitable perch from which to observe the battle.

Rebecca: Because *he's* DJ! And he doesn't need to do what *normal* people
do.

> It was a large cylinder
> designed for the storage of highly explosive gasses.

Tsuneo: Hey, is that Gamera over there?

> DJ felt perfectly safe atop it, of course.

Rick: Funny, from what I've heard, DJ has brains.
Rebecca: I dunno, I think calling Ritsuko "Dr. Pullring" is tantamount to
suicidal.

> The battle was still about a mile away, and this post
> afforded him an excellent view of the carnage. Secretly he was hoping Eva-01
> would crash down near him so that he could pilot it and single handedly defeat
> the angel and establish himself as the ultimate Avatar to date.

Tsuneo: *Ahem* DJ watched the battle.

>      As fate (or plot contrivance, call it what you wish)

Rebecca: With DJ around, definitely plot contrivance.

> would have it,
> one of the combiner's rocket fists took a convenient turn in its wanderings.

Dan: It's been out there for what, ten minutes now?
Rick: Obviously it took a taxi.

> Still blasting alcohol rocket flames,

Dan: Man... That's *really* good stuff!

> it landed right at the base of propane
> tank. DJ could only cast a Wile E. Coyote'esque glance at the camera before
> rocketing off into the cosmos. 

>       But THIS was DJ CROFT, no mere mortal accident could kill him.

Tsuneo: Even though they took out Tom, Issei and Lisa.
Rebecca: Don't you know? The great DJ is even more perfect than *those* peons.
Dan: At least they left Jin out of it.
Rick: At least they hadn't met Jim yet.

[They all nod solemnly]

> The
> explosion high into the air and out over the ocean. He rode the shockwave
> of the blast like a surfer; a piece of scrap metal sufficing for a board.

Rick: Surf's up, dude!

> Out, out, out he flew,

Rebecca: Up, up and away!

> past Japan, over Australian territorial waters
> and into the Great Barrier Reef. 

Tsuneo: No. Absolutely not! There's no way that I'm *ever* going to believe
that a man can surfboard on a shockwave that propels him several thousand
kilometres, especially from being just above the epicentre! That's just STUPID!

>       The impact with the waters was not as bone jarring or as life
> threatening as expected. In fact, he survived with nary a scratch on him.

Tsuneo: No, no, no! At the kind of velocity required, hitting water would be
the same as hitting a mountainside! He'd be splattered!

> Well,... ok. He did have one minor cut and some bleeding.

Tsuneo: I should point out now that the Great Barrier Reef would be a good
sixty meters underwater and will take centuries to reach the current ocean
level, IF any of the coral polyps can survive at their new depth.

> In and of itself
> the cut wasn't fatal. However, the school of hungry Great White sharks that
> had been drawn by the smell of his blood were much less generous than we were.

Dan: Are you kidding? They wouldn't eat DJ. Too stringy. And how would you get
rid of the aftertaste?
Rebecca: And he'd be lecturing them on how to chew properly at the time.
Tsuneo: And in a true tribute to DJ Croft, he died in the longest way possible.

> ----------------------------
> Last of the red-hot cloggers
> ----------------------------

Rick: Strictly Ballroom this ain't.

>      "I'll kill him.  No judge will convict me.  I could hide the body."

Tsuneo: I'm beginning to feel the same way about the authors myself.

> Misato was uttering incomprehensible hate to herself.  The focus of her
> frustration was Kensuke

Dan: Perfectly understandable.

> who was engaging Marcel in a most unexpected contest.

Rebecca: Strip poker in an *EVA?*

>      "I'm afraid to look, Hyuuga" Aoba had his hands over his eyes.  "Is
> he still doing it?"

>      "I'm afraid so, buddy."

Rick: [Aoba] Stop calling me "buddy."
Dan: [Hyuga] Right, buddy.

>      Kensuke was trying to out-dance Marcel.

Rick: Talk about the blind leading the blind.

> They had started with Irish folk dancing,

Dan: Evadance!

> proceeded to disco,

Rebecca: I may be scarred for life.
Dan: Supa fly!

> and had just recently degenerated to the Hokey-Pokey.

Tsuneo: Actually, that would be an upgrade from Disco.

> All this traipsing around didn't seem to serve any purpose,

Rebecca: Aside from pissing us off.

> though Unit 05 was now within an easy arms reach of the 32nd Angel.

>      "Aha!"  Kensuke chortled, "He fell for it!  Now I strike!"  With a
> blur of motion, Unit 05's arm shot up...

Rick: Chokeslam! Chokeslam!

> and honked Marcel's nose.

[They all fall off the couches]

Dan: Ow...
Rick: What? A nose-honk? All this rubbish for a nose-honk?
Rebecca: Believe.
Dan: Ow.

[They all climb back onto the couches]

>      "That's IT?"  Misato screamed.  "We've been watching you trip over
> the light fantastic for ten minutes so you could beep his honker?  THAT
> was your PLAN?"

Rick: I've seen better plans on the back of cereal packets.
Rebecca: I've seen better plans from Ratliff villains.

>      "Commander!" Maya interrupted.  "The Angel is reeling!"

>      "What?!"

Tsuneo: The bad jokes finally got to it too.

>      "It seems to have taken very real damage from Kensuke's 'attack'."

Rebecca: This is what we call "priceless."
Rick: Cthulu must be feeling terrible at this point.

> Maya scanned some more readouts.  "Commander, the nose is its core!"

All: ...
Dan: You know, that makes sense in a kinda sick way.

>       "All right," Kensuke cracked his knuckles. 

Rick: There's an image that will be haunting me for a while.

> "Let's get bizzay.  EVA
> DUBLIN HANDSHAKE!!"  Wrapping Unit 05's fingers into Marcel's 'hair'
> Kensuke repeatedly drove his machine's forehead into the Angel's
> unprotected nose/core.

All: [Singing] Bang your head!

> After a dozen titanic impacts, he let go, leaving
> Marcel to stumble backwards, and fall onto its back.  

Rebecca: He's been learning from Ric Flair.

>      Reaching into a nearby weapons building, Kensuke retrieved a rifle,

Dan: Uh-oh, we're letting Kensuke near automatic firearms.

> but gripped it by the barrel.

Dan: See?

> Placing one of his Eva's feet on Marcel's
> chest, Kensuke lined the butt of the gun up against the Angel's core,
> taking a couple of practice swings.

Tsuneo: No...
Rick: They wouldn't...
Rebecca: Golfed to death.
Dan: I'd love to see Fuyutski write this one up.

> "Looks like I get a birdie." he
> quipped, driving the nose/core right out of the city, and shattering
> it into pieces.

All: FORE!

> The fatally-wounded Angel grabbed futilely at Unit 05's
> leg, then collapsed into a pool of cheerfully-coloured goo.

Rick: Well whaddya know? He died in a puddle of his own gore.

>      "Told you it was a bird."  Aoba smirked.

Rebecca: B-doom tish.

> -------------------------------
> C'est Fini
> -------------------------------

All: [Weakly] Thank you.

>      Wah.  That was a big one.

Tsuneo: I thought we left the sausage jokes behind!

> We're sorry this part took so long to be
> finished, but it IS twice as big as the others.

All: We noticed.

> We didn't realize we were
> promising so much at the end of part 3, or that it would require so much
> work to meet those requirements.  A heatwave and no air conditioning
> also made writing this part less fun than the others,

Tsuneo: Good. That makes me feel a bit better.

> but we still laughed our asses off.  We hope you liked it too.

All: We didn't.

>      Commentary, as always, can be sent to evansjt@interlog.com or
> laughlin@accessv.com.  No, we still don't have a website, but previous
> chapters are on the RAAC archives
> (ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/).  MSTings of those
> chapters are available on Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings.  

Rebecca: *And* Elmer Studios at
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm

>      We're still accepting entries for the "name the last angel" contest.
> C'mon people, get the grey matter working.

Dan: They should talk.

> Use alcohol if necessary.  ;)

>      Part 5 should be ready in less time than this one, because we're
> not promising anything this time.  [chuckles]

Rick: I guess that's fair.

[Tsuneo stands, solemnly walks over to the TV, draws his sword and buries it in
the screen up to its hilt.]

Tsuneo: That was *terrible.*
Rick: That was so long
Dan: That was so stupid!
Rebecca: That was so.... Cruel Lina's Thesis, really.
Voice: Do I really need to ask for reviews?
Tsuneo: Okay. It was pointless. Horrendously, inanely pointless. The guest
appearances were pointless. The whole angel naming bit was pointless. The
combiner robot was pointless. But worst of all, they spend ages busy
pointlessly killing off other people's characters! It's not amusing or
anything, it's a frigging anti-fic! I can sort of understand what the EVA
avatars had to do with it, but that's still no excuse for what they did. The
didn't have to read the fics, and they sure as hell didn't have to include
them in this one. Marissa was worse. Not only has she got nothing to do with
the subject matter at hand, but she's got nothing to do with the authors at
all. If you don't like the Marissa fics, just plain don't read them! But the
absolute, absolute worst of all was Wayne Breaux. This is an EVA/Slayers
crossover. It has nothing to do with Wayne Breaux. It has nothing to do with
Palladium. But nonetheless, they include a *real* person in their fanfic with
the sole purpose of killing him off! The whole convention was just a long,
drawn-out excuse for an anti-fic! It's not only pointless, it's just plain
SICK! [He gasps for breath.]
Rebecca: Nice rant there.
Dan: Me? Yeah, I thought it was really just stupid. I mean, the jokes were
old and re-used like hell, everyone was acting stupidly and they had the most
stupid things possible happen. Like that whole combiner robot crap. That was
so *incredibly* stupid, it defies words. And the worst bit of all, all it
really did was make the bloody fic longer.
Rebecca: Look, I'll say this much now. I have nothing against the idea of
DJ, Issei and Lisa meeting messy ends. Heck, it's fine with me. The thing that
got me was that it was completely uneccasary for to the sotry to kill them
off. It would have no real change on the story to remove them from it. And
it would make it a damn lot shorter.
Rick: Well, the way they wrote Issei's lines was funny. I'm not going to add
too much beyond that. I like CLT, I'll admit. But I felt indifferent to this
chapter, to a slight disliking.
Voice: Well, once again thanks for your reviews.
Tsuneo: Don't thank me.
Rick: Pay us instead.
Rebecca: And we want real cash. Any more attempts to unload non-selling action
figures on us will not be appreciated.
Voice: Maybe you can design them next time instead.
Dan: Now there's an idea.
Rick: You're right there... I could pull in some of my Comic licences and talk
to some people and...
Rebecca: I like this idea.

[They file out, talking]

[The screen goes blank]

Voice: What have I done?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au)

Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas)
Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth
(Rick R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
        http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm
        All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA
        conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot.

Rick's Mecha Madness Page:
        http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
        AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only
        Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and
        Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>     "Do I really have to read this piece of tripe?" he whispered
> off stage.