Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 112 brings us Neon Exodus Evangelion - I don't mean, *that* NXE, but in fact the other one. I mean... Oh, just read it. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Neon Exodus Evangelion is copyright Art Damon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small, battered artificial Christmas tree next to the computer, looking for all the world like it has been trodden on. Ragged tinsel and streamers adorn the wall.] [Rick and Rebecca enter] Rebecca: Wow. This is kind of... well... Rick: Sad? Rebecca: That's probably it. Rick: I suppose we'll have to get around to tearing it down sooner or later. Rebecca: Actually, I think you, me and Wonder Boy will have to do it. Rick: Any reason? Rebecca: If Dan does it, he'll only pack it all up for next year. Rick: Point. [Tsuneo enters] Tsuneo: I'm wondering how much more life he can get out of it. Rebecca: You'd be amazed. [Dan enters] Dan: Hi guys. Rebecca: Dan's cheery. This is bad. Rick: You'd think he'd have a God killer hangover by now. Tsuneo: He'd need a brain for that. Dan: Look, guys, I've got something very important to say. Rebecca: This should be a laugh. Dan: Well, I was thinking and I realised that we're at the start of a new century, a new millennium *and* we're well past a hundred sessions. Rebecca: This one is the big one-oh-nine. Dan: Exactly. Tsuneo: So where is this leading? Dan: Well, I came to the conclusions that our character designs were old and pretty outdated. Heck, Rick is wielding an eighties hairstyle with malicious intent, and Rebecca's wearing a retro-sixties outfit. Not that I mind. Rick: So what? Dan: I decided it was time we all had makeovers. [Long pause] Rebecca: You *what?* Dan: No, hear me out. New looks, new character designs and whatnot to make us all more modern. Rick: Well this should be a laugh. Dan: Okay, Tsuneo. Now you've got all the characteristics for the new leading male; i.e. you're young, Japanese and socially useless- Tsuneo: HEY! Dan: But we need to make a few tweaks here and there. Cut your age down to sixteen, give you a haircut, and make sure you're voiced in the American version by Spike Spencer. Tsuneo: I object! Rick: Yeah, Spike Spencer is a bit harsh. Dan: Rebecca, we've got to drop your age to somewhere between sixteen and eighteen, with a short skirt and a penchant for deep neckline. Rebecca: Sexist pig! Dan: Look, I'm just keeping up with the trends. Anyway, the hair *has* to go. Go for a lighter colour and wear it out all the time. Rebecca: Touch the hair and you die. Dan: And, er, do something about the artificial arm. That's way too unfriendly looking. Rebecca: I suppose I should be grateful that I don't end up looking like Sue Storm, wearing a mini-top and with breasts bigger than my head. Dan: Well, that was the second option, and admittedly it would be easier. It'd help if you could learn a maniacal laugh as well. Tsuneo: Oh, she can do that. Dan: Rick, you're a bit harder to work with, unless you want to be an inept villain. Rick: It has appeal... Rebecca: Any alternatives? Dan: We could drop your age down to the mid-teens, give you huge forelocks and your own Gundam. Problem is, you'd have to turn out looking more feminine than Rebecca. Which sometimes ain't that hard. Rebecca: Hey! Rick: Actually, you just gave me a great idea. Dan: Huh? Rick: Well so far we've all got new looks, but I just realised what your new look should be. Dan: Uh, don't worry about it. Tsuneo: No, do! Rebecca: Please tell. Rick: Well I was thinking Dan could go up in age until he hits about thirty- six... Dan: [Whimpering] Thirty-six! Rebecca: C'mon Dan, it's only a few days away. Rick: You also have to add a lot of stubble and cut the hair, and pick up a serious drinking problem. Oh yeah, and half way through this season, you get your ass shot off saving my life. Tsuneo: Nah, Dan needs a whole new direction. Dan: Meep. Tsuneo: What we get you is some lipstick, a pointy helmet and a purple costume, preferably with a cape and a very poncy sword. You'll be in perfect shape for the next round of seventies remakes. Dan: Forget I said anything. Rebecca: No... I've got it. We drop your age to maybe twenty-two- Dan: Hey, this is looking up. Rebecca: Make you quite handsome, witty, charming and downright irresistible. Dan: I Like it. Tsuneo: Impossible. Rebecca: And give you a secret double life as the *female* defender of love, beauty and justice, Adorable Justice Warrior Danielle! Dan: ... Rick: Think about it, you could finally get your hands on a 36DD chest. Tsuneo: Your own. Rebecca: And let's not forget your secret lover in your female form... Dan: Oh, forget it. Voice: What's going on here? Rebecca: And there's your mystical commander. Rick: Maybe we should turn the voice into a magical talking ferret. Voice: ...what? Dan: Oh, never mind. I was just attending a humility lesson. Voice: That'll be the day. Tsuneo: So what have you got today? Voice: It's a- Rick: Brain Powerd- Dan: Self-insertion- Rebecca: Crossover with- Tsuneo: Variable Geo. Rebecca: You watch that? Tsuneo: No, Dan won't stop going on about it. Voice: Actually, you're wrong. It's a little piece called "Neon Exodus Evangelion." Rebecca: Please, no DJ Croft! We've been good! Voice: No, it's not a new chapter of that. Tsuneo: What, we're starting again? Why? Voice: No, we're not starting again! Dan: So... Huh? Voice: It's an entirely new and different fic entitled Neon Exodus Evangelion. Enjoy. Rick: Weird. [They sit - Rebecca hogs up the entire forwards couch, and Rick and Tsuneo steal the sideways one. Dan is banished to the computer chair.] Dan: Why don't I get the couch? Rebecca: Low neckline and a short skirt? Dan: Well... It wasn't pleated. Rebecca: I should kill you for that. [The TV switches on.] > Genesis. A beginning. A new form. A new time. A new life. Dan: A new headache... > A new death. Rick: Some overdramatic guy wearing a tacky crown. > A new birth. Tsuneo: A few more lines of nothing. > An old soul in a new body. Rebecca: A new soul in an old body. Gets kinda confusing, actually. > An old quest in a new space. Rick: To seek out... new worlds, to find... new life and... new... civilizations. > An old hope in a new vehicle. Dan: More old things in more new things. > The Gospel of the New Century is about to be recanted. Tsuneo: Recanted? Isn't that something you do with wine bottles? Rick: Yeah, you strain it out and put it in a new bottle. Tsuneo: Aah, so it's a rehash. > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION All: The other one! > Episode 1: An Awakening/The Old Soul > Written by: Art Damon > > In the year 2020... Rebecca: Isn't this the tail end of Delta Invasion? Tsuneo: No, it had gone on longer than that. Dan: It only seemed like it. Rick: By the year 2020, we have robots to do all our work, poverty and disease have been eliminated, and the whole planet is run by damned dirty apes! > The fog lifted from him. It lifted slowly at first, but finally his senses > returned to him. Dan: I got so bombed last night. > Whether he wanted them to was another matter entirely. Rebecca: Just look next to you for the answer. > He found himself floating in a yellow void. Dan: Yeah, sounds like some of my mornings. Er, afternoons. > It wasn't a void, actually, but it felt like it at first. Tsuneo: So what does a void feel like anyway? Rick: Er, nothing? Tsuneo: Good point, let's move on. > He raised his hands feebly and found solid glass > surrounding him, in a cylinder. He was floating in a yellow liquid... Rebecca: Pray that's LCL, buddy. > 'Terminal Dogma!' he thought, his eyes shooting open. 'How did I get down here? > What happened to the 17th Angel?' Rick: [Man] Where are my clothes? Dan: Does he have a traffic cone? It's not a good night unless you have a traffic cone. > Beyond the glass, he saw people running into the room the cylinder was in. They > were not Ritsuko, nor Misato, nor Rei, nor even Kaji. Tsuneo: I'd be worried if it was Kaji. Dan: Forget about first thing in the morning, how about seeing him breathing? > Not even his father. All: Shinji. Tsuneo: What's he gotten himself into today? Rick: Looks like a tube. Tsuneo: ... > They > were unknown to him... but looked far more friendly than he had ever encountered > at NERV, especially at Terminal Dogma. Rebecca: Not a single chainsaw in sight. > They seemed compassionate and worried. Rick: Watch out, they probably want something. > They seemed curious. Dan: [Random bystander] Dude, it's so tiny. > He tried to speak, but the LCL was not electrolyzed. Rick: Translation: blobble blib blob blib. Tsuneo: That's probably about the best conversation we're getting this fic. > He lifted his hand to press > it high to the glass, and startled himself. His skin was pale white. His hands > were slender, and feminine. This did not add up. Rebecca: Why Shinji, what have you been up to? Dan: And who's in that tube with him? > The voices outside came to him clearly. "It's alright." one said. "We're going > to let you out, now." Rick: [Shinji] Can I have some clothes? > He managed a faint "Yes," but the LCL still would not let him hear himself. > Eventually, the yellow liquid drained, Tsuneo: This has always bugged me, but what do they do with the used LCL? Rick: Don't you know? It's the special sauce. > and he fell against the glass. His > muscles were very weak, and coughing out the LCL to breathe air seemed > difficult-- moreso than usual. > Then, he did two things that caused him to faint. The first was when he moved > his hair to realize that it was a pale blue color. Dan: [Shinji] Okay, dyed hair or a very bad wig. Either way, I was bombed. > He gasped at this; but the > second and far more disturbing thing was when he looked down to discover his > breasts. Rick: [Shinji] Oh look, I've got etheric beam locators. Rebecca: No, I believe those are actual breasts. Rick: [Shinji] Are you sure? I think I can see the "on" switch. > After that, it was only logical to faint. Dan: Don't see why. I thought he'd always wanted to get his hands on a pair of those. Rick: Not his own. > Much, much later, the darkness of his mind was once again shattered by harsh > light. Dan: Yep, that's a hangover feeling. Rick: Say, do you reckon someone spiked his LCL? Tsuneo: There's a wonderful thought. Unit 01 drunk. Rebecca: And what do you know, it'll get angry and want to hit someone. > He opened his eyes and groaned softly. It was a high, airy groan that he > could have sworn someone else made. A kindly young woman was standing over him, > smiling warmly. Dan: Great, the last thing you want when you're hung over is a cheery person. > She had long black hair that appeared tied back (he would later > learn that it was actually braided in an intricate pattern, but that mattered > very little to him now), deep gray eyes, and a slender, almost girlish face. Dan: Well Shinji, that's because this is what we call a woman. > Her voice was cute and welcoming. "Hello, there. How are you feeling?" Tsuneo: [Shinji] I'm going to hate this place. > "I... I don't know." he told his mouth to say, but again, he heard someone else > say it. Someone very familiar said it at the same time he told himself to say > it-- but it wasn't him... was it? Rick: Maybe his voice finally broke? Rebecca: And it went up. > "That's to be expected. You've been locked up for a long time." > "Locked up?" he tried to say again, but the other voice got to it first. > "In that Plug. You've got alot going for you, Miss." > "M-miss? I'm no miss." Rebecca: Oh come on, it's a mistake anyone could have made. Dan: So Shinji hit puberty and turned into a woman? > "What?" > "My.... my name is Shinji Ikari, designated pilot of Unit-01. Age 14." Rick: [Shinji] I'll get round to growing up one of these days. Tsuneo: [Shinji] I enjoy playing the cello, talking to penguins and long introspective silences. > The woman suddenly looked distraught. "Oh, my... this is far worse than we'd > anticipated..." > "What?" Dan: [Woman] Well according to this, you're either a cocker spaniel or dead. > She pressed a keypad on the side of the bed he was laying on. Rick: Wow, they've got a futuristic hospital. Tsuneo: Wait until he sees his futuristic bill. > The bed's back > half inclined up, and he could read her nametag: "Doctor Ishako Ichimi, MD". Rebecca: Coming this spring from Fox. > Shinji looked at it for awhile, then found the familiar insignia in the corner: Dan: LAPD? Tsuneo: Duchy of Zion? Rebecca: USAF? Rick: Nergal corporation? > "NERV". The quote was different, but it was too small for him to read, Tsuneo: [Shinji, reading] You're not cleared for that? > and the leaf had been replaced by a starburst of some kind. > The doctor tried to regain his attention. "Please look in the mirror, and listen > to your own voice!" Dan: [Shinji] Why bother? No-one else does. > Slowly, he turned his head and looked into the mirror on the opposite wall of > the bed. He found himself staring into the face of Rei Ayanami, the First Child. Rebecca: Well there's a completely unexpected turn of events. Rick: Except in a half-million "sure-fire" Hollywood comedies. > Slowly it came into realization. He was no longer himself, phyically. Somehow, > it didn't want to click. He raised his hand, and found that the image of Rei > raised her had as well. Rebecca: Then she gave herself the bird. Rick: Shouldn't that be he? Tsuneo: No. We're not going to do Peter David "gender-neutral" pronouns around here! > He leaned foreword for a closer look, Dan: [Looks down; Shinji] well, at least I didn't lose anything. > and she did as > well. She had an identical doctor standing next to her, with the same worried > look as Doctor Ichimi. Dan: [Shinji] Could you leave me alone for a while? Maybe with the mirror? [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > He opened his mouth and uttered a few fractured words, but her voice said them. > The image mouthed them. Tsuneo: Time to faint again? > Shinji looked down at himself and found a female body there; a pale, slender > female body. Dan: [Shinji] Say... I could get to like this after a while. [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > A lock of pale blue hair fell in front of his eye, and the > information hit him once again, irrefutably and unexplainably. Rick: [Shinji] This is my dad's fault, isn't it? > He was now Rei Ayanami. And it was time for he/she to faint again. Dan: well called. Tsuneo: It's what I would do. > "Doctor Ichimi, status report." came the call from the Bridge. Rebecca: [Dr. Ichimi] She's regained consciousness. No, she's out. No, she's up again. No, she's just passed out. Wait, she's awake. No... > The young man sat > there uncomfortably, still getting accustomed to everything. Ikari had given him > control of the ARK Dan: Well there's a perfectly blatant reference for you. > just before the lot of them had been put into Cryostasis, and > while command was not unknown to him, command of a starship was. Rick: Starship? so they're on the Star EVA now? Tsuneo: We made the bridge out of old Star Trek sets, hope you don't mind. > 'The crew has been mostly awakened...' he thought, Rebecca: Of course, now our coffee supplies are in danger. > looking at the commpanel nervously. Dan: [Man] I swear that thing is watching me... > 'I can't believe that dummy plug activated itself, nor that the clone > inside managed to survived! It's alive, and it's sentient... Dan: How do you figure sentient? Rick: It ripped Toji's limbs off then blamed someone else. > I bet NERV hadn't planned for that.' Tsuneo: They'll surprise you yet. > Ichimi's face appeared in front of him, finally. "I'm here, captain." she said, > weary. Dan: [Captain] What's the matter? Why do you look so worn out? Rebecca: [Ishako] We've got a newly-made, fourteen year-old, neurotic clone having an identity crisis down here. Let's see you handle it. > The young man brushed a lock of black hair out of his eyes and assessed things > from her image. She was tired, in voice and body, and the young girl clone was > sleeping behind her. "Ishako, what's going on? Is she well?" Rick: [Ishako] Well, yes and no. > "More or less. I'm afraid I know what dummy plug she was from." Rebecca: Let me guess, Unit 04? Dan: [Captain] We found that dummy plug under a rock in Canada, thank you very much. > "Unit-01, Rick: Is that your final answer? Tsuneo: [Captain] Yes... er, no... Er... Can I phone a friend? > I could have told you that if it was important." > "I'm afraid it was more important than we had anticipated. Do you remember how > the dummy plugs worked?" Dan: [Captain] Sure, you just flip the berserk switch. > "I think so... the dummy plugs copied the mental patterns of the pilots and > imprinted them onto the clones. It was the third darkest secret in NERV." Rebecca: [Ishako] Third? What were the other two? Dan: [Captain] The second one was that Fuyutski had been dead for five years and was still drawing a paycheck. The first was that Soylent Green is made from people. > "Right... well, I'm afraid they worked far too well. Our clone..." She lowered > her voice. "Our clone thinks she's Shinji Ikari." Dan: And we thought Shinji had problems before. > Silence permeated the Bridge. Rick: [Captain] I knew I shouldn't have gotten up this morning. > The officers who were listening in found > themselves stunned by this. Life had just gotten even more complicated for > Captain Ryu Kaji. All: ... Tsuneo: Stay calm, it's not the same guy. Rebecca: What if it's the same guy misspelt? Rick: Yeah, Misato only wounded him in the "j." > The darkness was comforting to him. It offered no suprises, and if death came, > it came quickly. Dan: Don't tell me, the captain's fainted too? > That was, unless, it was filled with dreams. Shinji Ikari's dreams Tsuneo: No, wait, we had a scene change and no-one told us. > were seldom as bright and beautiful as all those he had heard of, and > these were no exception. Rebecca: This is going to be the railway carriage again, isn't it? Dan: Trust me, he won't be dreaming of railway carriages for a looong time. > He saw them all once again, as he had remembered them. > He saw Rei, crying as she detonated Unit-00's core. > He saw Asuka, as she sat trembling after the 15th Angel. > He saw Tohji, laying on the bed beside him, his legs gone. Tsuneo: I thought he only lost one leg. Rick: They made a mistake and amputated the wrong one. > He saw Kensuke, telling him how lucky he was to be a part of NERV. Dan: Actually, right now Kensuke's about the last person he wants to see. > He saw Misato, welcoming him home. Tsuneo: He saw Pen-Pen using up all the hot water again. > He saw Ritsuko, saying "Shinji Ikari... YOU will pilot it." Rebecca: He didn't see the operators, because no-one cares about them. > He saw his father.... > He saw his mother, and he saw Unit-01. > The strange visions came later. Floating in a yellow pool, with hundreds of > other people. Rebecca: [Rei] Morning. Dan: [Rei] Morning. Tsuneo: [Rei] Morning. Rick: [Rei] Morning. > He could not recognize them, but somehow knew them all. Rick: Shinji Ikari, this is Rei. Rei, this is Shinji Ikari. Shinji Ikari, this is Rei. Rei, this is Shinji Ikari. Rebecca: [Rei] Is your name not Rei? Tsuneo: [Shinji] No. Rebecca: [Rei] Do you mind if we call you Rei to avoid confusion? > He was taken away from them, just before Ritsuko destroyed them all. He fought > in the battle against Kaworu... Rebecca: Don't bring him into this. Shinji's confused enough as it is. > And now, he was here. The darkness began so slip away again as he progressed > into painful light... Dan: [Shinji] Is it time for me to faint again? Rebecca: [Ishako] No, you've just woken up. > Doctor Ichimi stood above her, smiling as best she could. Dan: Oh, dear. > Things with the poor > clone had not gone well. She did not realize she was Rei Ayanami, mainly because > she was not. Rick: Well that makes... huh? > From her 'birth', deep in the bowls of Terminal Dogma in Tokyo-3, > she had no mind, no soul. Rebecca: No shoes, no brain, no service. > She had been imprinted with the mind of Shinji Ikari, Dan: And the mark of Toren. > and knew only to be one person: him. Tsuneo: Translation: She's screwed up. > She began to stir again. The pink eyes fluttered open, straining against the > light. Her airy, faint voice struggled against itself to speak. "Doctor...?" > "Yes, dear. I'm here. How are you feeling?" Dan: [Shinji] Let me try... [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] Come on, this set-up is begging for it! > "Not well... I'm very confused." Rebecca: [Ishako] You're not the only one. > "That's to be expected. Perhaps you need to be shown where you are. Rick: [Shinji] A hospital room? Rebecca: [Ishako] No, beyond that. > Do you feel well enough to stand?" > "I... can try..." > With that, the frail albino sat up and slid her legs off of the bed. She was > moving very slowly. Dan: [Shinji] How do I walk like this? Never mind that, what about when I need to... [He spots Rebecca hefting a cushion] Er, never mind. > "Why do I feel so weak?" Rick: How do I put it? You weren't exactly a pillar of manliness to start with. > "It's your muscles... we've been trying to rebuild them using vitamin and > nanomachine treatment, but it will take awhile." Rebecca: Okay Shinji, it's off to the gym for you. > "But... why do you need to do that?" > "... You've never used them before." Rick: Mint in box Rei Ayanami! Never used! > She looked up at Ishako, very surprised, but not having the energy to properly > express it. The Doctor quickly moved to console her, "Don't worry. All will > become clear to you... Dan: I hope so, it's making absolutely no sense so far. > do you think you can walk? If not, I can get you a chair." Rick: Fetch the comfy chair! > "I... I will try." Tsuneo: Come on, he's had a busy day. I mean, wake up, faint, wake up, faint again, wake up again... It would tire anyone out. Rebecca: It's certainly tiring me. > She stood, uneasily, and had to grasp onto the doctor's arm for balance. Finally > sure of herself, she looked back up at her. "Can I hang onto you?" Dan: [Ishako] Uh, Shinji? Not there. Rebecca: [Shinji] Sorry. I'm a very sexually confused Rei clone at this point. > "Of course." Ishako smiled, and helped her walk to the door of the Sickbay. It > slid open seemlessly as they approached it, Dan: Wow, they've even got sci-fi doors. > and let out onto a long hallway. Tsuneo: Are those imperial stormtroopers down the end? > At one end of the hallway, light began to fade away into darkness. The girl seemed > strangely attracted to it. Dan: [Shinji, bored] Oh wow, big dark mysteries. They're a real novelty to me. > She helped her to reach the end of the hallway, where a great window was > positioned. Rebecca: Well that's a round about way of saying it. Rick: Actually, he meant that there's a pair of guys carrying around the window. Rebecca: Oh. > The window had a railing in front of it, which the girl took hold of > gratefully. She looked up and out of the window, and her jaw fell with a > wondrous gasp. Rebecca [Shinji]: My god... It's full of stars. > Outside the window, a great panorama of stars against the pure blanket of space > went out in all directions, interrupted only by a bright white star, and the > blue-white orb of the Earth-and orbiting that at a distance, the Black Moon. Tsuneo: Black moon? Dan: I don't see what's so exciting. It's only CGI. > Doctor Ichimi waited a few seconds for it to sink in, then smiled down at her. > "You are currently on-board the United Nations Starship ARK. This ship contains > the last one hundred and forty-four thousand members of our race, including you. Rick: Actually, this is only the "B" Ark. It carries Telephone Sanitizers, Marketing Executives, Rei Clones and Lemonfic Authours. Rebecca: Ironically, the "Ark" reference works better with the "Genesis" title. > This ship is our sanctuary, and our home." Dan: Our last, best hope for peace. > Rei looked up at her, eyes trying desperately to understand. > "This ship is our last defense against the Angels... a lifeboat for all > Mankind." > ******************* > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION Tsuneo: The Other One. > Episode One > AN AWAKENING Dan: And a fainting. And another awakening. > "Captain Kaji, I think you should see this..." said the Science Officer, turning > from his post. He adjusted his glasses as the young captain approached. Rick: I'm a science officer, and dammit I'm going to look the part. > "What do you have for me, Kensuke?" Ryu said, not sure he wanted any more > surprises today. Dan: Kensuke? Rick: Is that as in... Tsuneo: Nah, it's got to be a mistake. > "Well, we broke lunar orbit two days ago. Tsuneo: If you look to your right, you can see the planet Gaia. All: Ooh... > Since that time, I've been getting some anomalous readings from former Tokyo-3." > "Anomalous how?" Rick: It's still there. Dan: It's been overrun with giant blancmanges who are turning everyone into Scotsmen. > Kensuke Aida Dan: He's... on the bridge? Rebecca: We're doomed. Tsuneo: We're doomed. Rick: This could be fun. > activated a holoscreen for them to look at. It had a 3-D model of > Earth, the Moon, and the ARK, all in the positions they were two days ago. Tsuneo: [Kensuke] As you can see, this is a 3D rendering of a 3D model. > Aida > had barely managed to jump aboard a ship for the ARK-and he had almost not made > it at all. All: Dang. > Only the fact that he had been a pilot candidate did they let him live; Rick: On the brighter side, they left the teacher behind. Rebecca: [Teacher] I remember Third Impact quite well- [Tsuneo hits her repeatedly with a cushion] > when their original Science Officer didn't awake from his cryo-sleep, Rick: We were going to wake him last spring, but he absolutely insisted on another six months. > Kensuke was the only logical choice to replace him. Dan: Sounds like a pretty spectacular leap of logic there. Rick: [Captain] Our science officer's not awake, so we'll replace him with a spotty, fourteen year-old nerd! Rebecca: It was him or Hikari. And he got the job because he's watched more episodes of Star Trek. Tsuneo: Besides, all he needs to do is repeat whatever the computer says. > The map began to animate, and waves began to radiate from Japan Tsuneo: [Kensuke] We suspect they're holding a new age festival down there. Rebecca: "We?" Rick: He considers the computer to be his best buddy, mostly because it's the only crew member who can 0wnz'd him on Counterstrike. > on the virtual > Earth. "For one, I couldn't get any radar images back from that area. Then, I > couldn't use ANY kind of sensor other than visual. And just now, even visual > sensors stopped working." Dan: [Kensuke] Then I realised I'd left it unplugged. Silly me! Rick: [Captain] We're going to die. > The tiny ARK moved past the virtual Japan, and a gray cloud appeared over it. Rick: [Kensuke] As you can see, we're expecting heavy storms over the area... Tsuneo: [Captain] So what's the point of this display? Rick: [Kensuke] Oh, nothing. I just wanted to show off my mad graphical skillz. Tsuneo: [Captain] I'd rather have the cryo-tank on the bridge. > "How is that possible?" Ryu asked. "Show me Japan now." Dan: [Kensuke] I'm just bringing up an extreme close-up on the girl's change room at Juuban high school now. > Kensuke complied. Another screen activated, showing the blood red seas of Earth Tsuneo: Algal blooms are really bad this year. > and the destitute continent of Asia... Rebecca: It spent all its money on booze and cheap women. > and, sitting right next to it, was a large black blotch. Dan: [Captain] What's that? Rick: [Kensuke] Er, it's grit on the monitor. Dan: [Captain] How do we get grit on a holoscreen? Rick: [Kensuke] Don't ask, sir, it'll go away soon. > If it hadn't had been so disturbing, it would have been comical. > "That is truly weird..." the captain said, leaning over the console. Tsuneo: This is coming from the guy who made Kensuke the science officer. > "I wish that was all it was, sir. That sensor blackout could mean one thing-" > "An attack?" Rick: [Kensuke] I was actually going to say that the sensors were on the fritz. But that's a possibility too. > "Possibly. I recommend we go to Battle Stations, Level Three." > "Agreed. Make it so." Dan: All crew in safety harnesses. Batten down all the hatches. Close all shops in the mall. Cancel the three-ring circus. Secure all animals in the zoo. > Ishako looked up, seeing the yellow light bars come to life. Dan: [Captain] What does that yellow light mean? Rick: [Kensuke] It means the yellow light's working, sir. > "I wonder what that's about?" she thought aloud, helping Shinji/Rei back into her bed. Rebecca: Just pick and identity and stick with it, kid. > The girl looked at her. "Is there a problem?" her frail voice inquired. Dan: Not yet, but I'm sure there will be soon. > "I don't think so, dear... I'm sure it's just precautionary..." the doctor said, > not sure she believed herself. The ARK was, supposedly, able to handle any > emergency set in front of it-then again, those boasts of NERV's were unable to > be tested. The Third Impact had come too soon. Rebecca: You mean they'd scheduled Third Impact? Dan: Yeah, it wasn't meant to happen until after the mid-year sales. > "Doctor-" > "Please, call me Ishako." > "Ishako... why am I in Rei's body?" Tsuneo: That's what we're struggling to understand. > "That will take quite a time to explain. I'm afraid there's a lot that happened > that you are unaware of..." Dan: [Ishako] You were dead at the time. Oh, no, that came out all *wrong.* > "My life has been full of lies until now... why should this be any different?" Rick: [Ishako] Give me a chance kid, I'm trying! > The girl looked away. Ishako felt only compassion for her, and wondered how > confused she had to feel inside. Shinji felt only pain and sadness... once > again, he was forced to change. Change in a way he did not want, did not need, > and in a way he certainly saw no purpose in. Tsuneo: Apart from to serve as a set-up for a goofy romance/comedy series. Dan: And to provide fan service! > However, as his mind came near the brink of despair, something else struck > him... something of sudden and great import. Dan: [Shinji] Why *have* you been smiling at me like that all day? > He lifted his head and spoke to her in Rei's frail voice... > "Doctor..." > "Yes, dear?" > ".... I have to use the restroom." Dan: I was actually only joking about that restroom bit. Tsuneo: Go on, Rebecca. Hit the TV. Rebecca: ... > "More bad news from the planet, captain!" Aida spoke up, hunched over a console. Dan: [Captain] Is there any other kind? > Kaji turned his chair toward him. > "Report, Mister Aida." > "I've got a signal from the planet. It's large, it's Orange, and it's coming > from Tokyo-3." Rick: [Captain] Will someone get rid of him? All he does is report bad news. Tango: [V/O] It's Orangel, the killer citrus of doom! Voice: Gotta get that thing fixed. > "On screen!" > Kensuke put the image on the main view screen, in the front of the Bridge. It > looked like a flashing yellow dot. Rick: [Kensuke] Offhand sir, I'd say it's a flashing yellow dot. Dan: [Captain] Thank you Kensuke, I never would have guessed. > "Magnify." Dan: [Kaji] Act like Captain Picard. Rick: [Kaji] Tea, Earl Grey. Hot. > The image got larger. Now, it looked like a large red dot flashing yellow behind > it. Tsuneo: Yeah, that helped. > "THAT helped." Ryu muttered. Tsuneo: He trusts Kensuke as much as we do. Rick: [Kensuke] Hey, I'm only a fourteen year-old super l33t ha> "The atmosphere is still obscuring good sensor readings. That's also what's > giving it that reddish appearance." > "Is that what I think it is?" Rick: [Kensuke] And what do you think it is? Dan: [Captain] A yellow flashing dot? Rick: [Kensuke] And he doubts *my* ability. > "I hope not, Captain. Otherwise, we're in deep trouble..." > "Not necessarily. We DID recover Unit-01." > "Unit-01?" Kensuke exclaimed, spinning to face him. "But we don't have a pilot!" Rick: So why did they let Kensuke onboard anyway? Tsuneo: Because he was a candidate. So he could... oh dear. > "On the contrary. I hear she woke up recently." > The Science officer narrowed his eyes at him, his glasses glinting in the low > light of the Bridge. Rebecca: Don't do that! > "You're serious." > "Totally. Rei may be weak, but that IS Shinji Ikari's pattern she carries. That > means she can synchronize, correct?" Tsuneo: In theory, yes. In practice, mum might not be too happy about what her boy's gone and done. > "Yes, but-" > "Good. Contact Doctor Ichimi and have her prepare Rei. Put EVA Unit-01 on > standby..." Dan: [Captain] And someone get me a coffee. You know I never watch radar without coffee. > Ryu was no longer facing him; he had turned to stare at the approaching object, > his hands folded in an all too familiar way. Rebecca: Yet another proud graduate of the Gendo Ikari school of power management. Rick: [Kensuke] Permission to loom over your shoulder and do exceedingly little, sir? Dan: [Captain] ...maybe. > "Rei... Shinji..." the doctor said, trying to wake the child in front of her. > "Oh, damn, I'll just have to find a new name for you soon." Dan: [Shinji] So I've already got two names and you want to give me a third? Gee, thanks. > She stirred awake. "Hmmm? Yes, doctor?" > "Dear, we need you to get ready... Rick: [Shinji] Just five minutes, mum. Tsuneo: Maybe you should stop calling him "dear." > I'm afraid the Captain wants you to get into your plugsuit." Dan: [Shinji] But it won't fit any more. It'll be too tight on the chest, and too loose on the waist. > Her eyes shot open. "What? Who's the captain?" > "Captain Ryu Kaji. He wants you to get ready to launch..." Rebecca: [Shinji] Time between awakening and getting shoved into an EVA? About two hours. It's improving. > "Now wait a moment!" she spoke up, sitting. Her red eyes began to scowl, and her > face showed how much effort went into this simple action of sitting. "I don't > have any idea what is going on, where I am, or even WHO I am anymore. And now, > you're expecting me to get ready to fight?" > "Unfortunately, yes..." > "I don't even know which EVA I'd use! Dan: Well let's assume that EVAs 00, 03 and 04 are out of the question. > If I'm Rei, as you say I am, Rebecca: I think the evidence in favour of you being Rei is somewhat overwhelming. > I should use Unit-00, if I'm ME, then I'd use Unit-01-" Tsuneo: Everyone got that? Good. > "Dear, please, just cooperate for now..." > "Oh, of course I will. What choice do I have?" Rebecca: [Ishako] You could let Kensuke do it. Tsuneo: [Shinji] ...I hate you. > The girl got off of the bed and hobbled a few steps away. "Where's the locker > room?" Rick: [Shinji] And which one do I use? > "Captain, the target has exited the atmosphere and is continuing on-course for > the ARK." Rebecca: It's either an approaching missile or a pizza delivery boy. > "Do we have a better picture, yet?" Rick: [Kensuke] Well, I could bring up and enlarged image of the magnified flashing yellow dot from before. Dan: [Captain] Oh, shut up. > "Working... on-screen." > A frightful image came to the screen: a scarred white Evangelion, with a > gruesome head and folded wings, carrying a green sort of blade in its right > hand. Tsuneo: what sort of blade? Rick: A green one. Tsuneo: Okay... huh? > The Bridge fell silent, save for the constant whirs and beeps of > machinery. Every person there knew what that was... Rebecca: A big white thing with a sock puppet for a head. > Evangelion Unit-05... Another incarnation of the 18th Angel. > Kaji stood, staring at the image with a mixture of hatred and determination. Dan: [Captain] Damn you, flashing yellow dot. Damn you! > "Attention, all decks!" he shouted, the computer automatically relaying his > message to the entire ship. "Battle stations, Level One!" Rick: [Kensuke] Are you sure, sir? It does mean changing the bulb. > The klaxons sounded, red light bars flared to life, and the Bridge exploded with > the sound of people and machines working to defend their home. Laser defenses > were brought online, and the ship's structural integrity field increased in > power. Tsuneo: This guy's just copying stuff out of Star Trek. I expect any second now the inertial dampers will fail. > "Shall we try to activate the AT Field?" Kensuke asked, still sending > commands to various stations. Rebecca: A brilliant plan Kensuke, with just two minor flaws. Firstly, we don't have an AT field. Secondly, we don't have an AT field. Now I know technically that's only one flaw, but I thought it was so important as to be worth mentioning twice. > "We might as well... do you really think it'll work?" > "It's worth a try... activating shipwide AT Field..." Tsuneo: Are you sure this isn't the Star Eva? Rick: Check the number of Jacuzzis they've got onboard. > The albino girl stared at the suit they had prepared for her. It was a female > fit, but had the same purple and green markings of Shinji's suit. Dan: [Shinji] Why did you have one like this ready? Rebecca: [Ishako] Well if you check, the purple paint's still fresh. > On the collar > was "01". She looked at it for quite a time before putting it on, and pressing > the pressure clamp on her wrist. With a hiss, the suit stuck to her form. Rick: [Shinji] Does this make me look fat? Tsuneo: Nothing could make her look fat. > She was about to move to see what they had done to Unit-01 when a sudden feeling of > deja-vu struck her. Rebecca: This is just like the first episode of Evangelion. Dan: Except the names have been changed to protect the guilty. > She looked around, suddenly very alert and afraid. There was a presence in the > room... one that she knew. Rick: [Shinji] One that I have not felt since... Voice: Okay guys, that one's dead already. > It came from all around her. She knew who this was... but couldn't place it exactly. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Come on, throw me a clue here... > The doctor walked in, bringing her back to her senses. > "Are you ready? Unit-01 is ready for launch." > She nodded, and followed her out. The room they entered next was almost an exact > replica of the Cage she remembered from NERV; massive, cold, and battle-ready. > On one of the launch pads sat Unit-01, as stoic and yet as alive as always. Dan: [Shinji] Of all the spaceships in all the galaxy, you had to walk into this one. > There was a large yellow patch across its chest, with a red cross on it. > "What is that?" the girl asked, pointing. Rick: [Ishako] EVA-01. I thought you'd recognise it by now. > "Unit-01 had a large puncture in its chest. Something... speared it there." Dan: I think you're going to need more than an over-sized band-aid for that one. > "What on Earth could do that? I don't remember it happening..." > "You wouldn't. You weren't there when it happened." Rebecca: [Ishako] I mean, you were, but it wasn't you. I mean it was you, but not this you. As in... Aargh, I've gone blind! Rick: Put it this way: Old Shinji got the point. > The girl's confused look did not alleviate, even when they helped her into the > Plug. Suddenly, instinct took over and she relaxed as it was shut, turned into > the EVA, and filled with LCL. Tsuneo: Here we go again. At least it's not Sachiel. > "Ready to synchronize." She said, opening her eyes. > "Alright... beginning activation..." Rebecca: [Ishako] Let's hope it doesn't eat this one like it did the last- Wait, sorry, you didn't hear that. > Ishako watched breathlessly from the Launch Center as the power graphs climbed. Dan: [Reading] Two... three... this is going to take a while. > The techs worked to bring the sensory signals further and further up. The green > lines neared the point of Absolute Boundary, and after hovering there for > awhile, shot up and over, connecting the nerve impulses. Rick: [Shinji] I feel really big. > A sigh of relief went over her as she heard the lead tech say, "Synchronization > achieved. Current rate is 47%." Tsuneo: My god, it's a reasonable and realistic figure! Rick: Wait, we forgot the decimal point. > "Any errors?" she asked. Rick: It says it cannot locate autoexec.bat, and is halting the operation. > "A few, but it's well within tolerance levels. Dan: The side-effects won't pop up for a while. > We're ready to launch." > Rei's face appeared on the holoscreen. "Unit-01 ready for launch." She said, her > face now filled with grim determination. Rick: [Shinji] It's not like I enjoy fighting. So let's get out there and kill it! > The doctor had never seen something > like this in her-not in the little girl who looked ready to die only a few hours > ago. Tsuneo: Maybe because you've only known her for a few hours. > Her heart went out to her, and she secretly wished her well. > 'Alright Shinji... don't get killed out there.' Tsuneo: [Shinji] That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. > To Be Continued... > Fly me to the moon, > And let me play among the stars > Let me see what spring is like, > On Jupiter and Mars... > In other words, > Hold my hand. > In other words, > Darling, kiss me. > Fill my heart with song, > And let me sing forever more. > You are all I long for, > All I worship and adore. > In other words, please be true > In other words, I love you.... [They all stare at the screen in blank disbelief] Dan: What the hell was that? Rebecca: The closing theme. Tsuneo: So why did he put it in there? > Next Episode: > This has NOT been an easy day for Shinji. Rick: Oh no, he's used to waking up as Rei. > First an identity crisis, then an > Angel battle, Rebecca: Hey Shin-Boy, if all else fails just manipulate your AT field, fire big energy blasts and get Super-Sayajin on the Angel's booty. Rick: What makes you say he can do that? Rebecca: Every other cloned angel-human hybrid in fanfiction can. > then he discovers that almost everything he knows is dead and > gone-or is it? Rebecca: Yes! No! Er, what was the question? > A new name given to him by Doctor Ichimi eases the transition, > but a lot of pain inside is only compounded by the events around him. Tsuneo: Like finding out about Kensuke. > It's all > there in the next episode: A Case of Unmistakable Identity-- oh, and there might > be a little fan-service, as well. ~_^ Dan: Fan service just doesn't work in fanfics. It's about as good as on a radio. [The TV switches off] Rick: So it's a kind of made-over Evangelion? Rebecca: With a very made-over Shinji. Tsuneo: And mostly copied from episode one of EVA. Dan: Since when was originality so important? Tsuneo: You tell us, Dan. Dan: Ouch. Voice: If you don't mind, I'd like your reviews please. Tsuneo: I have to say, this is one of the best fics we've reviewed. It's got a coherent story, a few good concepts, and a decent attempt at true-to-life characterisation. Ishako and Ryu seem a bit bland for now, but I'm sure they'll be better detailed in future chapters. The biggest problem is the assignment of Kensuke as science officer, which is not only highly improbable, but gives away clear authour favouritism. Dan: For all its good points, I reckon a bit of description wouldn't have gone astray. I mean, take the doctor and the captain. All we know about them is their hair colour, and that the doc's got a girlish face. What are they wearing, how old are they? And for that matter, what does the ship look like, from the outside or in? It's a whole new setting, but we haven't been given any info on it. Rebecca: I had a few problems with the setting of the fanfic myself. A mere five years after Evangelion, and that is five years that includes the end of the world, mind you, we have a massive super-spaceship. Said ship is equipped with laser cannons, structural integrity shields, cryo-sleep tubes, 3D projectors, nanotechnology, an artificial AT field *and* futuristic sliding doors. I'd really like to know where all the technology to build this ship came from. Rick: Kensuke is the science officer. Wow. That staggered me. I thought that he actually made for a rather inept science officer. He didn't do much that any old idiot who knows how to operate a computer could do. I could have done his job, and that's saying something. Voice: Well, thanks again, guys. Rebecca: Yeah, whatever. Dan: Well, I guess I'd better be off. [He stands] Rebecca: No rush. Dan: Huh? Rebecca: I was thinking that maybe you were right. Dan: I was? Rick: What he needs, is a make-over. Dan: Uh-oh... Rebecca: And I know this great parlour... [They stand, and grab Dan as he tries to leave. The three of them manhandle Dan out the door. The screen goes blank] Dan: Help me! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1999-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1999-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > He gasped at this; but the > second and far more disturbing thing was when he looked down to discover his > breasts. > After that, it was only logical to faint.