Elmer Studios presents... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Episode 131 we return to Neon Exodus Evangelion! No, not *that* one, the *other* Neon Exodus. You know, where Shinji has *more* problems. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Neon Exodus Evangelion is copyright Art Damon. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small, battered artificial Christmas tree next to the computer, looking for all the world like it has been trodden on. Ragged tinsel and streamers adorn the wall.] [Rebecca and Tsuneo are sitting behind a desk. There is a banner overhead reading "Australia: Indecision 2001", and an inflatable miniature Kirov airship is buzzing around.] Rebecca: Welcome back to Indecision 2001, the only coverage of the national election coming through the medium of text files. Tsuneo: Hang on a second, Rebecca. [He taps an earpiece] We've just got a result in from Dogrooter, in inner Brisbane. Now if you remember, Dogrooter was considered a safe Labour seat beforehand. [A diagram comes up, showing a whole bunch of coloured bar graphs.] Tsuneo [V/O]: As you can see, there's been a substantial swing against the Labour party to the Coalition. Rebecca [V/O]: It's pretty much following the pattern for tonight. Swing to the Coalition, and from Labour. Greens picking up, Democrats going down, One Notion vanishing. Tsuneo [V/O]: Now there was a minor party in this seat, the Free Beer and Shotguns party. If we look at that, we can see that he's gotten... nothing. [Back to the apartment. The Kirov has floated off-screen] Rebecca: I have Jake, the leader of the Free Beer and shotguns party. [Cut to a scruffy looking man with long blue hair and a beard in a tattered jacket and jeans] Rebecca [V/O]: A little disappointing for you, Jake, not even getting a single vote. Jake: Well, yes and no. We polled better than we expected. Tsuneo [V/O]: So you expected nothing? Jake: Yeah, well, I only set up the party as a tax scam. [Back to the apartment] Tsuneo: There you have it, Jake the leader of the Free Beer and Shotguns party. Rebecca: Wait till he hears that he got three votes in the Northern Territory. Tsuneo: That's what, 75% of the eligible voters? Rebecca: I think so. We'll just cross to the panel and get their opinions. [Cut to a table. Dan is there, wearing a tie (But still no shirt). He's with Peter Reith - a bald, middle-aged man with glasses - and Kerry O'Brien - a midle aged man with red hair.] Rebecca [V/O]: So what do you make of this result? Dan: Well, this is what I predicted, save for the fact that the other party won. Kerry: Well once again Kim Beazly's Legions of light have been thwarted by the armies of corruption and darkness. [The Kirov floats past him] Peter: Can I just say this is the first time I've ever appeared in a MSTing? Dan: Back to you, Rebecca. [Rebecca and Tsuneo] Rebecca: There you have it straight from a moron, a lefty journo and our outgoing minister for Defence and setting fire to Unionists. Tsuneo: Were they really all you could get? Rebecca: On this short notice, yes. Voice: Good morn... what's going on here? Rebecca: And we've just been joined by Democrats leader, Natasha Stoat- Destroyer. Tsuneo: Contemporary and displays your contempt for him. Good call. Voice: To repeat my question, what are you doing? Tsuneo: For the benefits of our foreign readers- Voice: Foreign readers? Rebecca: Surveys show we're really big in Russia right now. Tsuneo: Anyway, we're calling the Australian election. [Dan walks in, pulling off his tie, the Kirov following him] Dan: I got the job on the panel because I'm such an expert political analyst. Rebecca: He voted for the Free Beer and Shotguns party, but it was declared invalid as they don't accept votes in crayon. Voice: Right. Well, I guess we can start the review. Rebecca: Not yet. We're still to get our HappyTemp for the day. [On cue, Celena enters] Celena: I assume this is still the Torture Room, right? Rebecca: 'Friad so. Celena: Well, a job's a job. Dan [Staring straight at her chest]: Oh, wow! Great to see you again, Celena! [She shoves him away] Celena: Remind me why I'm doing this rather than staying in guest-spot obscurity. Tsuneo: Because you wouldn't have a source of income otherwise? Celena: Very true. Voice: Now that you're all here, we can get on with the fic. Celena: This isn't going to be another FF7 fic, is it? Voice: No. Today's *review*- Rebecca: Experiment. Voice: They're reviews. Celena: I'm going for torture sessions. Voice: Well today got another chapter of Neon Exodus Evangelion. Dan: Ack. Tsuneo: Ack. Rebecca: Ack. Eyrie without the benefit of loons. Celena: Wow. I've heard all about young Mister Croft's adventures in Evangelion Land. I never thought I'd get to see them, though. Not that I want to, of course. Dan: I'm beginning to think that Rick got lucky in being hurled through that wall. Voice: No, it's not *that* neon Exodus. It's- Tsuneo: You mean- Dan: It's- Rebecca: The *other* Neon Exodus? All but Celena: Hoody-hoo! Celena: So if this isn't EZ Soft's amazing adventures, what is this fic about? Tsuneo: Well, it's set on a space-ship flying to Mars to get away from Third Impact. Celena: That's an original twist for starters. Rebecca: The central character is Shinji who has somehow wound up in the body of a Rei clone, and is understandably confused about the whole situation. Celena: I thought he had problems before. Dan: And the ship's just come under attack by a flashing yellow dot that's apparently an angel that used to be an EVA. Celena: I see. So Shinji's got to stop it, right? Tsuneo: With a hastily repaired EVA-01, yes. Celena: I see. Anything else I should know? Rebecca: The ship's science officer is Kensuke. [Pause] Celena: This is totally f*cked up. [They sit, Rebecca and Dan on the forwards-facing couch, Celena and Tsuneo on the other one. Celena and Dan are closest on the corners.] Rebecca: When Rick hears he missed this, he's going to be so jealous. [The TV switches on] >"Humans should evolve into a new world. Dan: This sounds like a song cue to me. >That is the purpose of the EVA series." Celena: That and to sell lots of models. >"We have no intention of giving up our human forms simply to enter the ark >called EVA..." Tsuneo: You make it sound like you've got a choice. >--Taken from the transcripts of SEELE meetings between Gendo Ikari and the >Assembly. Dan: What, they made transcripts? Celena: Yeah. They go: "Fnord. Fnord. Communists. Fnord. National security. Fnord. The people have a right to know. Fnord. Higher ratings. Fnord. Fnord. Fnord. Good of the people. Fnord." >NEON EXODUS EVANGELION >Exodus 0:2 Rebecca: In which DJ acts smug and Jon does nothing. Tsuneo: Wrong Neon Exodus. >Episode 2: To find a heart/Unmistakable Identity Celena: Does every EVA fic writer do this with the dual titles? Tsuneo: I'm afraid so. >Written By: Art Damon > >"Evangelion Unit-01, LAUNCH!" Dan: Cue the stock footage! Celena: Rubber band ready. >The command given, Rebecca: Stand by to fire Mrs Nesbitt! Celena: Standing by. Rebecca: Red alert! Put the kettle on. Celena: Aye-aye, captain! Rebecca: Prepare to feed the cat. Celena: Preparing to feed the cat. Rebecca: Fire Mrs Nesbitt! >the locks snapped open and Unit-01 rocketed up through the access hatches, >toward the surface of the ARK. Rebecca: Oddly enough, it looked like a Colonial Viper throughout. Dan: [Shinji] Someone tell me I've got a way to stick to the surface. >The girl inside felt gravity pulling down on her; Celena: Oh, so they've got mysterious artificial gravity on this ship as well? Tsuneo: Yep. It's basically "Star Trek" with a big, purple robot. >inertia telling her that she should be staying in one spot, Celena: No inertial dampers, obviously. Dan: Naw, they're on the fritz again. >while motion was telling her quite plainly that she was going another. Tsuneo: In other words: Squish. >Gritting her teeth against it, she heard a great HISS-CLANK Celena: Nothing like a little onomatopoeia in the morning. >above her, and looked up. >Massive airlock doors had parted, and Unit-01 was soon standing on the hull >of the ARK. Dan: [Shinji] That was fun! Celena: [Shinji] Another day, another trauma. >The girl looked about, instinct taking over again. Rebecca: So that explains the sudden stain in the plugsuit. Celena: Watch it. >"I don't see it!" she exclaimed. The fact that she was on the hull of a >spaceship seemed not to be of consequence. Dan: It's the little things that get you at moments like these. >Ishako's face appeared on a holoscreen beside her. "We sent you to the >wrong hatch. Tsuneo: They're off to a shining start. Rebecca: Is it now that Ishako wants to mention that they haven't proofed the EVA for space use yet? Celena: At the rate she's going, I suspect she came to work with no pants on. >Follow the tracking beacon we've activated." Tsuneo: [Shinji] Can't you just retract the EVA and re-launch me? Celena: [Ishako] Sorry, we've got a limit of one use per episode on the stock footage. >"But-won't I float away?" >"No, silly. We installed magnetic pads to Unit-01's feet. Just don't do any >marathon jumps, and you'll be fine. Dan: And don't try chewing your toenails, because then the feet will stick to the unit's face, and you'll look *really* silly. Celena: You already look silly, Dan. >Besides, we can always reel your power cable back in." Rebecca [Ishako]: Except, of course, in the unlikely event that your power cord comes out, but what are the odds of that happening? Celena [Shinji]: I'm doomed. >"Okay... I'm off!" Celena: So much for those magnetic pads. >Unit-01 disconnected from its restraints and began to move. The girl >followed a glowing crosshair that led along the surface of the hull, Dan: It's like the direction arrow in Mario Kart. I guess if she falls off, Lakitu can just pick her up. >and with a steady CLANK-CLANK-CLANK, Rebecca: Except there's no sound in space. Celena: Well, if there was, it'd be "CLANK-CLANK-CLANK." As it is, it goes "...-...-..." >the giant biomachine grew closer to its target. Tsuneo: So how much damage has EVA-05 done in the meantime? Rebecca: I think it's still just a flashing yellow dot at this point. >"We've activated the ship's AT Field, sir. It appears to be working fine." Dan: The ship has an AT field? What is this, the Star EVA? Rebecca: No, this is too coherent. Celena: So what, a female Shinji and science officer Kensuke makes sense? Rebecca: Compared to Delta Invasion, anything does. >"I don't like this, Kensuke. Celena: It's quiet. Too quiet. >Not one little bit." Ryu said, keeping a watchful eye on the approaching >Angel. Dan: [Ryu] It just keeps flashing on and off, on and off, on and off, it's driving me mad! >"Ryu, if it was good enough for the EVAs, it's good enough for us." Tsuneo: Of course, since the EVAs have all apparently been destroyed, that may not be much of a recommendation. >"We're placing ourselves in incredible danger-" Rebecca: Should have read the fine print when you signed on. >Kensuke was suddenly in his face. "Do you want to sacrifice all of these >lives back to Adam?" he said, lowering his voice angrily. "No? Then >enslaving one soul to save one hundred and forty-four thousand is hardly a >crime." [Dead silence] Tsuneo: Well, that was a surprisingly loud and forceful moment from Kensuke. Celena: Great. Shinji's more of a girl then ever and Kensuke's acting all tough- guy. This world is totally FUBAR. >The normally stoic boy's outburst surprised Ryu All: Us too. >into quiet, but as Aida returned to his post, he found his voice again. >"I'll not have one of my subordinates dictating >orders to me." He said in a low, challenging voice. Celena: Translation: I cannot believe I was just verbally bitch-slapped by Kensuke. Rebecca: [Ryu] I am filled with shame. >"Of course not, sir. I am only reminding you of our position... and our >duties." Celena: Translation: Ha! >There was silence for a few moments, Dan: I guess everyone's just as shocked about Kensuke as we are. >then beeping from the tactical station. Rebecca: Hello? Flashing yellow dot? >"The target is within range of our cannons, sir." The Tac officer said. Tsuneo: It doesn't mean a thing unless it's within the effective neutralisation range of your AT field. Celena: Ryu will want to fire anyway. Tsuneo: I don't get it, why? Celena: After being pimp-smacked by Kensuke, he's got to find some way to restore his manliness. >"Bring us to bear on her, ensign. Ready us for a full blast." >"Aye, Captain. Charging all laser cannons." Dan: Reading the Wave Motion Gun. Rebecca: Interocitor up to speed. >Unit-01's hand came down and gripped a part of the ARK, helping the EVA to >move from one side of it to another. Tsuneo: Most people use their feet for that, but I suppose each to their own... >The girl looked up to see the Angel approaching, Dan: [Angel] Booya! >its white head rearing evil looking teeth. Dan: It was the sock puppet of Death itself. >She could not help but shudder as its white wings were silhouetted against >the yellow flare that came out of them, pushing it across the vacuum of >space. Dan: So what's actually propelling it? Celena: Form the looks of the description, it's lighting its own farts. [Tsuneo raises a cushion. Celena glares at him. He meekly puts it down.] Rebecca: I like you. [Scribbles on clipboard] >"I see it..." she said, making the EVA stand on its new plane. "Ejecting >Progressive Knife." Celena: Oh yes, I'm sure it's terrified by the pig-sticker of doom. Dan: [Shinji] I need a bigger weapon. Rebecca: I think you've had your weapon taken from you. [Celena hits her with a cushion] >With that, the shoulder blade parted and the knife slid out and down, and >she took it. Rebecca [Shinji]: Um, do you have any other weapons? It's got a big swordy-thing and all I have is this little knife. Dan [Ryu]: Due to space restrictions, that's all we could bring. But we're behind you all the way. Even Kensuke. Rebecca [Shinji]: I'm doomed. >The massive blade slid out from its handle, and became white with energy. >She could not hear the same whine she normally did, Dan: In space, no-one can hear you cha-cha-cha. >and a thought struck her-she was fighting in space. Tsuneo: It took you this long to figure that out? You're really not on the ball today. Dan: No, he was too preoccupied with figuring out how to sit down. [Celena punches him in the shoulder] >She could not let the EVA's armor get damaged too severely, otherwise the >biological components would be exposed and flash-frozen.... Not a good >prospect. Rebecca: Or the whole Eva could suffer explosive decompression, which would be worse still. This is why Biomechs suck, folks. >There was also no air outside; Dan: She's all alone, more or less. >if she had to eject the Entry Plug for any reason, she would have to stay >in it and be recovered by the ARK-all the while, being vulnerable to the >Angel's attack. Tsuneo: And looking pretty damned stupid to boot. Celena: Oh, what with losing their only EVA and being under attack by an angel, I think his recovery would be the least of their worries. >This would NOT be an easy battle. >"Wait a moment, dear." Rebecca [Shinji]: *Dear?* >The Doctor said again. "The boys on the Bridge want a shot at it, first." Celena: [Ishako] By the way, you're standing on the gun barrel. Dan: [Shinji] I hate my life. >The girl only nodded. She didn't want to be here, anyway. Rebecca: Join the club. >If they can fight the battle for her, all the better. Celena: Twenty says they fail miserably. >"Foreword cannon armed!" Tactical Officer Tamari said, confirming the >computer's lock. Tsuneo: Congratulations, we have another character. Rebecca: You know, an overview of the crew would be really handy right now. >"Fire at will, mister Tamari!" Ryu exclaimed, leaning ahead in his seat. Dan: [Ryu] You like it? I picked this move up from captain Kirk. >The whole of the bridge turned from their stations to see the result... Dan: [Max Genius] Don't take your eyes off the monitor. >With a thundering CRASH, Rebecca: And a SMASH and a BANG and a KABLOOIE too! Celena: Additional sound effects by the sixties' Batman show. >the laser cannons were suddenly aglow with deadly yellow light. The beams >raced across the great vacuum toward the ever-nearing Angel, who continued >her course unwaveringly. Tsuneo: Angels are male. Celena: This one is an Angel that was an Eva. Dan: Damn, it must be even more confused than Shinji. >The beams converged on the giant being, and with a blink of the eye, the >tension lines of an AT Field appeared, deflecting the beams in different >directions. Celena: See? >A silent sigh went throughout the Bridge. They all knew that was what would >happen, but hoped differently. Tsuneo: So here's the stupid question: Why did they do it anyway? Why not wait till it was inside their AT field and let it have it? Dan: Because the captain wanted to vent after being smacked down by Kensuke. Tsuneo: I would too. >The next thing that happened, however, was NOT expected. Dan: The angel turned into a giant pink bunny rabbit. Celena: Okay, who's been pumping Joker Gas through the ship's system again? >"Mister Aida... extend our AT Field. Neutralize that thing." Tsuneo: [Kensuke] Shouldn't we have done that in the first place, sir? Dan: [Ryu] Shut up. >Kensuke rapidly turned to face him. "Captain?!" Dan: [Ryu] Yes, *Ensign?* Tsuneo: [Kensuke] But I'm a lieutenant! Dan: [Ryu] Not at this rate. >Ryu met his gaze unwaveringly. "Did I stutter, Lieutenant?" >"... No, sir. Diverting more power to the AT Field..." Dan [Ryu]: We'll see who gets the last laugh, Mr Aida. Muahahahahahahahahaha! [Pause] Did I just say that all out loud? >The girl watched the failed attempt from Unit-01. The cannons stopped their >firing, and she just furrowed her brow. "Idiots." Tsuneo: Guest starring Shinji as Rei as Ruri. >She muttered. "I could have told them that would happen." Rebecca: Of course, being Shinji, what do you think are the odds of anyone listening to you? >'... God, that sounded just like Asuka...' he thought. 'I wonder if >she....' Celena: Do you really want to know? Tsuneo: Well, she's alternately dead, insane or a puddle of primordial slime. Take your pick. >"Shinko?" the Doctor's voice said. All: Bless you. >The girl came to her senses. "What was that, Doctor?" >"Shinko. Your new name." She said smugly. >"My... new name?" >"Yes. You are no longer Shinji, nor are you Rei.... I put the feminine on >Shinji to get 'Shinko'. Not bad, ne?" Tsuneo: Um, Ishako, aren't you getting just a little too familiar with this girl? Rebecca [Shinko]: Um, do I get a say in this? >"Uhm, Doctor... the Angel?" Celena [Ishako]: Don't worry about that now. Do you want me to sew name tags on all your underpants? Tsuneo: [Shinko; waving] Hello, Angel? Over here! >"Hm? Oh, right. Rebecca: The way Ishako was acting, you'd think it was a trivial matter. Celena [Ishako]: The angel can wait its turn like everyone else, dear. >They're going to take another shot at it." Rebecca: [Shinko] Is that before or after it impales me? Celena: [Ishako] Actually, you're the bait. >"Didn't they see how useless THAT shot was?" Celena [Ishako]: I believe they're all hammering it into the captain now. Dan [Ryu]: I am filled with shame. >"They're extending our AT Field to neutralize the Angel's." >"What? The entire SHIP has an AT Field? How is that possible?" Dan: They bought it at a second-hand plot-device sale. >"I'm afraid I can't say, Shinko. You'll have to figure that out on your >own." >She sighed and slumped back in the pilot's chair, looking up again at the >Angel. 'Maybe I died, somehow, and this is punishment for my cowardice.' >Shinji thought. 'I'm in Ayanami's body, fighting in my own EVA against an >enemy that I thought I'd defeated... Tsuneo: Face it, Shinji, life stinks. >But WHY? WHY am I here?' Celena: Because they found you in a tank and stuck you in the Eva. Rebecca: See, that wasn't so hard, was it? >"AT Field at maximum power, Captain. The cannon are still charging." >"Put a rush on it, Tamari." >"Aye, sir." Tsuneo [Kensuke]: You know, we wouldn't be in this fix if you hadn't fired that pointless shot, sir. Dan [Ryu]: Shut up. Rebecca [Tamari]: He's got a point, sir. Dan [Ryu]: Shut up! >"C-Captain! The Energy Taurus is beginning to grow!" Tsuneo: [Kensuke] It's got big horns, sir! Dan: [Ryu] I'm beginning to think we'd be better off with a frozen corpse. Rebecca: Maybe they could just unfreeze and consult their science officer every now and then, like they did with the captain in Dark Star. Celena: This whole thing is beginning to read like Dark Star. >Shinko gasped in sudden surprise as the wings of the Angel flew open, and >its eyes flared a bright red. Dan: Brains... must have... brains... Celena: Yes Dan, you do need them. >The green weapon it held began to grow and transform into a far more >familiar weapon: the Lance of Longinus. Rebecca [Shinko]: Oh no! It's got... a pointy stick! >EVA-01 moved almost without Shinko telling it to, scaling the objects on >the hull and readying its Prog Knife for hand-to-hand. The Angel, however, >had other ideas. Dan [Angel]: Sod this for a lark, I'm off home. >It raised the Pseudo-Lance and, with a motion of its mighty arm, sent it >hurtling for the hull at unbelievable speeds. Rebecca: [Shinko] I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I'm getting kinda sick of it. [Celena makes level crossing noises] >The pilot was suddenly frozen in horror. To her astonishment, the EVA truly >acted without her consent, Rebecca: And that's what she told the judge. Celena: It ate her. >slashing at the right second to send the Lance away from itself, >penetrating the hull of the ARK for several meters. Dan: And on the bridge a panel exploded for no real reason. >It was as if the EVA had gone through this before. Tsuneo: It did, in Episode 1 no less. She should be expecting it, since that's what this fic's been ripping off so far. >"Hull Breech in Sector 12! Decks One and Two!" Dan: [Kensuke] We're venting stocks of frozen peas and Shake-'n'-Vac into deep space! Rebecca: So much for your hull integrity shields. Tsuneo: The inertial dampeners will go next. You watch. >"Unit-01 has disarmed the Angel for the time-being. It is moving to >retrieve its Lance." Tsuneo: [Angel] I really should have thought of that at the time. >"Shinko! Get on top of that thing and fling it back into space!" Celena: And that's your plan? This ship is doomed! >"Okay!" the girl said, determination beginning to sink in again. She felt >at home, in some odd way. Celena: Well here she doesn't have Ishako trying to mother her every step of the way. Rebecca [Ishako]: Have you got clean underpants on, dear? Are you rugged up all nice and warm, dear? >The EVA was reacting a bit more fluidly than Shinji remembered, but that >was of little consequence right now. Tsuneo: FORESHADOWING! Or not. Dan: So it's EVA-01 which has the soul of Shinji's mum being piloted by her son who's soul is in the body of a clone of her... Damn, messed up doesn't begin to say it here. >All that mattered was making the Target silent, and the Target was quickly >descending onto the hull. Dan: Look out! It's the Wing Zero Custom! >With a loud battlecry Rebecca [Shinko]: Die horrible monster, die. Please. >(that sounded damn peculiar coming from the small female frame he wore), Tsuneo: I don't think "wore" is the right word here. Dan: Hey Shinji? Return that one to the shop and get an exchange. You've got the wrong size. Rebecca: I dunno, maybe it's an Exo-Frame. Maybe they got this ship from the Exo-Fleet. Celena: Well that was obscure. Well done. I miss that show. >Shinko leapt from the hull and slashed downward with the knife. The knife >did its job, burying itself into the surprisingly soft armor of the Angel. Celena: It was like a hot knife through butter. Not surprising, because that's what the Angel's armour was made from. >However, the magpads on the bottom of the EVA's feet were no longer >attached, and the only thing keeping the biomachine anchored was its hold >on the enemy. Rebecca: And the only thing that's keeping the angel on the hull is it's hold on the lance. Celena: [Shinko] Please please please don't pull it out! >The cold vacuum of space quickly did its work, sending purple shards of >flash- >frozen blood into the area, and the Angel raised its head in a cry of pain. Rebecca: And then exploded messily. Tsuneo: No, it didn't. Rebecca: Well it *should* have. >The scariest thing about it was, despite the lack of any kind of medium for >sound to travel, the Angel screamed a painful shriek that everyone on the >ARK could hear... All [Hammy]: Aiee. >I awoke to find myself surrounded by infinite space. A void left behind, >where there was nothing before. Dan: So you're in Adelaide? Tsuneo: No, we've mysteriously been transported into the first person. [Celena makes level crossing noises] >We were pilgrims escaping persecution for simply existing- Dan: Our names are Bob Skir and Marty Isenburg. >escaping the plans of a vengeful God and a cunning man, plans we had no >part in planning. All: Blame Marty! Rebecca: Obscurity bonus! Ding! >I was dead, but now I live. Dan: Thanks to a handy high-level cleric. >I live for them, to prove to God that we need to exist... >Perhaps to prove that we WILL exist... no matter what... >Shinko slowly floated back into consciousness. The battle... Celena: [Shinko] Now where was I? Ah, yes. I was clinging to an Angel for dear life. >somehow, she remembered. She had won the battle. She remembered sticking >the knife into the Angel's back... and then... Rebecca: A dream sequence and a bad transition? Tsuneo: See? Copied straight from the first two episodes. >And then? And then what? Only black. Celena: I think Shinji would be used to that by now. >"... And then there was light..." she muttered, painfully opening her eyes. Tsuneo: And we have symbolism! The crowd goes wild! [They all cheer] >She recognized her surroundings immediately by the sounds and smells... Tsuneo: [Shinko] Another unfamiliar ceiling. >the sights came after a few seconds of painful adjustment to the bright >lights. Rebecca [Shinko]: Is that God? No... it's just an overhead lamp. My bad. >She was back in the ARK's Sickbay, with tubes going into her and Doctor >Ichimi fretting over her. Dan: She wanted to make sure Shinko was all nice and clean and frilly before she stepped out into the big, nasty world. >The good Doctor seemed very relieved that she had said anything, even if it >hadn't made any sense to her. Celena: She's sounding more like Rei every day. All she needs is a good deadpanned monologue and she's got it down pat. >"Shinko-chan?" Ichimi said, leaning close to her. "Are you alright?" >"... '-chan'.... I'll never get used to that..." Tsuneo: Okay, Ishako, I think you're getting a little carried away there. Rebecca: I think you better lay off the -chan bit. Shin-girl's got enough problems as it is. Tsuneo: "Shin-girl?" >"I'll take that as a 'yes' for now. I wasn't sure after they launched the >Containment Sphere..." Rebecca: [Shinko] So am I alright? Celena: [Ishako] Well... You remember what happened to Toji? Good news is, we can break out a spare. >The young girl's red eyes widened. "The... Containment... Sphere?" Rebecca [Ishako]: Did I mention that? Um... just forget I said that, okay? >"Yes, dear. The thing they used to capture the Angel's core." >Shinko's interest was now piqued. She struggled onto her upper arm, sitting >up a bit. "Capture the core? Is... that possible?" Celena: No, but it's going to be a laugh finding out. >"Oh, very much so. We think that by capturing the cores, we'll learn what >we need to do to separate us from the Angels forever." >"How does it work?" Dan: They have a net. A very, very big net. >Ichimi laughed. "There will be time for that after you've healed. Celena: [Ishako] Actually, I haven't a clue but I'm not going to tell you that. >You need to rest now, dear. I hope you don't mind my taking you out of that >plugsuit..." Dan: Can I watch when you do that? [Rebecca and Celena beat him senseless with cushions] >"No, it's fine, thank you... I'm getting used to Rei's body... it seems she >spent a lot of time in hospitals." Rebecca [Shinko]: I hate this place. >Doctor Ichimi looked at her, her face showing a bit of uncertainty. Celena: [Ishako] Does your right hand always do that? >"Shinko... how much did you... know about 'Rei' in your past incarnation?" Tsuneo: A surprising amount, actually. Dan: He's willing to guess about everything else. >"Not nearly as much as I had to learn... not nearly as much as I wanted to >learn." >"Do you remember the Dummy Plug system?" Dan: It'd be pretty damned hard for him to forget it. >"... Vaguely. Doctor Akagi destroyed them all, didn't she?" >Ichimi shook her head, sitting at the foot of the bed. Rebecca: She actually kept a few intact to hawk on E-Bay when the value went through the roof. Dan: I'd buy one. Rebecca: See? She was a genius. >"A few of them were still in their Plugs when Akagi destroyed the rest. One >of those was the Dummy Plug for Unit- >01..." She bit her lip, averting her gaze. "Do you know how the Dummy Plug >system worked?" Rebecca [Shinko]: Well, Gendo presses a "Berserk" button on his control panel, then the EVA goes nuts and tears up everything in sight while the pilot sits back and wets himself. Did I miss anything? Celena [Ishako]: Um... just a bit. >"Not exactly..." Shinko was a bit nervous and curious now. Rebecca: [Shinko] Are you trying to tell me I'm adopted? >"Well... basically, the whole of the Rei series was meant to be empty >templates... easily imprinted on, Tsuneo: Reis pick up bad habits very easily. >made to accept any pattern given to them. Unit-01's Dummy Plug was >imprinted with the signals of Shinji Ikari, the Third Child..." >Ishako met Shinko's gaze again. "... Dear... you are that Dummy Plug. Dan: You dummy. >You were part of a batch of experimental materials seized from NERV just >before the Third Impact. Dan: Along with Aoba's supply of Jolt. Tsuneo: A whole heap of watermelons. Celena: A mint in box giant Vamp. Rebecca: And Gendo's secret pr0n stash. Celena: Pr0n? Rebecca: Damn. >We thought that by stealing a Dummy Plug, we could learn how to alter our >own cloning techniques..." Rebecca: They wanted to mass-produce Reis of their very own. Celena: Why? Rebecca: They could fund their program by selling them to the fanboys. >Shinko stared off into empty space. This hit her, and hit her hard. "... >Are you trying to tell me.." she began slowly, "... That I'm nothing more >than a copy? I've not switched bodies... I... I was never IN the body of >Shinji Ikari?" Tsuneo: ...and if you thought she had problems before, you ain't seen nothing yet. Celena [Ishako]: Wait till I tell her that she's actually from a Kaworu dummy plug. >Doctor Ichimi nodded. Tsuneo: Could be worse, I guess. Dan: How? Tsuneo: Could you imagine if it was EVA-02's dummy plug? >Shinko looked down at her IV tubes and slowly withdrew each from the small >ports. Celena: [Shinko] Ouch. Owie. Ow. Pain. Rebecca: [Ishako] You still need those, you know. Celena: [Shinko] Dammit. >"... Excuse me..." she said, and slid painfully out of the bed and made her >way to the bathroom. Ishako heard her throw up. Dan: I suppose we should be grateful that she's not just fainting instead. >'... I'm so sorry, Shinji.' Ishako thought, her face falling into sadness. >'I wish I could undo the past made for you by those bastards... Rebecca: Oh sure, blame Gendo. He gets all the heat while Yui gets off scott-free. Tsuneo: Well, she was kind of dead at the time. >but now there's nothing left of them. The Past is truly dead... Now all >that's left is the cold, uncertain future. Dan: What a horrible bleak future this is we live in! Celena: Present. Dan: Oh. >'But I'll be there for you.' She nodded to herself with determination. >'I'll be there...' Tsuneo: To mollycoddle her every step of the way. >******************* >NEON EXODUS EVANGELION >Episode Two >To Find A Heart >******************* Tsuneo: And we have title! Only a mere... eighty percent of the way through. >Deep within the core units of the United Nations Ship ARK, two young men >stared up at a glowing, pulsating sphere of dark red energy. Rebecca: It's the 2020 model Interocitor! >Somehow, they sensed that it glared back at them, Dan: [Ryu] I don't like that look on its face. It's cold, calculating... Almost inhuman. Tsuneo: [Kensuke] It is inhuman, sir. Dan: SMACK! >and it was enough to send shudders down the spine of one of them. Tsuneo: [Kensuke] Should I turn down the air conditioning, sir? Dan: [Ryu] Shut up, you're ruining the mood. >The sphere was held in the bottom-most slot in an arrangement of thirteen >slots that looked like the Tree of Life, with a massive array of computer >consoles at the very bottom. Tsuneo: That's very nice. What does it all do? Dan: Well nothing really. But it looked so good on the brochure that they got a funding boost. >"I can't believe it." Kensuke muttered, glancing down at the control panels >that held the sphere in place. He adjusted his glasses Tsuneo: [Kensuke] I've been practicing to do that thing Gendo does with his glasses. Dan: [Ryu] Just shut up. >and studied the screens. "But the computers all confirm it." Celena: This is, indeed, a big glowing red thing. >"Malkuth All: Bless you. >was captured too easily." Ryu mused, his hands clasped behind his back. He >looked at Aida, the ponytail that was typical of the Kaji family flipping >over his shoulder. Rebecca: Along with webbed toes and bolts in the neck. >"You don't suppose this was a sacrifice on the part of the Universal Soul, >do you? The whole containment process is still very untested." Dan: I'd be able to answer if I knew what you were talking about. >"Oh, come on." Kensuke said, beginning to type. "Doubting NERV was what got >your brother killed. You don't want to endanger your crew, do you?" Dan: If it meant getting rid of a smart-mouthed Kensuke who constantly showed me up, I'd do anything. >Ryu frowned intensely at Kensuke and quickly strode over to his station, >clasping his shoulder hard. "Aida, I don't need that kind of reminder from >such a Loyalist like you." >The two shot a hard glare at each-other. Celena: Each with a pistol just centimetres from the other's face. Tsuneo: Cool. >There was a silence that was broken only by the muffled sounds of the >Angel's core, [Dan blows a raspberry] Dan: It was the core! >until Kensuke spoke. "My grandfather gave his life so that I would make it >on the ARK in time. One of the last things he told me about was the >Vessels. I intend to see this project to its completion, CAPTAIN." Rebecca: Ouch. Two nil to Kensuke. Celena: Face it captain. You suck. >More silence filled the room. Ryu turned quickly on his heel, his ponytail >nearly whapping Aida in the face. Dan [Ryu, effeminate]: Bitch. >He began to stride out of the room, "Don't forget your role as my Science >Officer, COMMANDER. Dan: Say, does that rank make Kensuke the second in command? Tsuneo: I think so. Dan: So... What if something happens to the captain? Tsuneo: The tactical officer is under orders to shoot Kensuke. >I expect you to see to the repairs to Unit-01 immediately. Rebecca: Weak comeback. Kensuke's got him whipped and he knows it. >Also, see what you can do about assembling EVA Unit-03. We finally got the >parts sorted out." All but Celena: ... Celena: What? They just said they were going to re-build EVA-03. Okay, so it's a little contrived, but it can't be that bad. Tsuneo: Do you know how many EVA fics we've seen where EVA-03 is re-built better than before with waykewl abilities and piloted by some unrepentant god-boy? Celena: No. Tsuneo: LOTS! Celena: Ah. Rebecca: It gets worse. As far as we know, how many EVA pilots do they have on board? Dan: Two. Shinko and Commander Ke... Oh tool. >"You're not serious. We don't have any pilots, and we'd have to replace the >S2 Engine with something more reliable--" Tsuneo: Do we want to remind him that Kensuke's a pilot candidate, or do we want to remain silent and prevent him from ever miking that mistake? Rebecca: I'm torn. >Ryu paused just before the massive sliding doors that read "GAUF" in large >roman script. Rebecca: What's a Gauf doing here? Is it a Gauf Custom with the cool vulcan gun? Or even better, a flying Gauf Custom? Tsuneo: No. Rebecca: Then it's that wild boy from FF3, right? Tsuneo: No! >"The other eleven Angels WILL attack us. It's just a matter of when. We're >headed for Mars, so we can expect that to be the next point of attack. Dan: That's when they'll encounter the Jovian Lizards' main force. >That gives us a month and a half. Rebecca: [Ryu] Just enough time for another bath. >We must be ready, especially if Ikari cannot fight." >He gave a small glance over his shoulder. "Failure is not an option." >With that, he walked out of the room, the massive doors parting for him, >and quickly shutting again, locking. Tsuneo: So he left Kensuke on his own inside a room full of computers and Angel cores? What kind of an idiot is this guy? Celena: An idiot who is in a position of authority. Rebecca: The worst type. >Aida looked where his captain had went for a few seconds, then turned to >look at the pulsating orb at the bottom of the Tree of Life arrangement. Dan [Kensuke]: You know, that would look really good in my living room. >"I agree." he mused, furrowing his brow. "... I shall not fail." Tsuneo: So the fate of mankind is in Kensuke's hands? We're cooked. >"... I sincerely doubt I'll ever get used to this." >Doctor Ichimi smiled a bit, trying to comfort her. "Oh, don't worry, dear! >You look beautiful!" >"Yeah. I doubt I'll ever get used to that." Rebecca: Face it, Shin-girl. Either you're going to have to learn to be your own clone or put up with Dr Happypills here bubbling over you for the rest of your unnatural life. >Shinko was standing in front of a mirror, wearing a long, flowing blue >dress. The dress covered her shoulders and upper arms and had a normal >neckline, which she debated over for quite some time. The male inside of >her wanted to be modest, and was quite embarrased at the fact it was >wearing a dress... Celena: Geez, give the poor girl a little choice. She might *want* to wear pants instead. Rebecca: That's right. Heck, it might make her a little more comfortable. Celena: That's right. If she wants to be, she can be a butch, masculine Rei clone. [She bursts into maniacal laughter] >and yet, he couldn't help but admit that, yes, this form was somewhat >attractive. Dan [Shinko]: I'd like to be alone for a while, with a full-length mirror. [Rebecca and Celena stomp a mudhole in him.] >A very small part of him kinda wanted to show it off-- but then he'd hit >that wall of being embarassed again. Celena: Well that proves it. No matter what happens, he's still Shinji. >Doctor Ichimi helped her pick out this dress, which nicely matched her hair >colour. Celena: I guess even after the armageddon people want to go shopping. Rebecca: Don't you know, Rei's a mallrat. Celena: She is? Rebecca: Yeah, she's Silent Bob. Celena: Actually, this is beginning to seem disturbingly like Dogma by now... >"Oh, come on." Ishako said. "Why don't you give it a twirl?" >"... A twirl?" >"Yeah! You know... a twirl!" >She illustrated by quickly spinning in place, arms slightly out, which made >her lab coat billow out. Ishako went a little red in the cheeks, but then >sighed. She raised her arms a bit and spun around slightly, making the >dress billow out a bit. Rebecca [Shinko]: Does this make my bum look big? Tsuneo: *Nothing* could make Rei's bum look big. >She felt a breeze on her legs and, yes, all the way up to her thighs, which >made her gasp a bit. Dan: Panties! [Celena slugs him in the arm, while Rebecca slugs him in the other arm] >"What's wrong?" >"N-n-nothing! I just... felt a draft. Don't girls get cold in these?" Celena: Don't ask me. >Ishako laughed. "Yeah, sometimes we do. Some of us just get resiliant, >though. I don't wear dresses much." Celena: So then why are you shoving her into one rather than giving her the choice of skirt or pants? Rebecca: Well, either Shin-girl here is filling in for the daughter she never had or she has some pretty dirty motivations. >Shinko turned toward the mirror again and nervously ran her hands along the >skirt. "Well... it's... not a bad dress." she conceded. Dan: Once again, poor Shinji ends up in women's clothing. Rebecca: He's got a passable excuse this time. Celena: At least it isn't bright red rubber. Wearing something like that could give a man a serious reputation. >"You're going to need something more than a Plug Suit." Ishako reminded >her, Rebecca: And I don't think a school uniform will suffice around here. >"Unless you want to wear a hospital gown the whole time you're here." >"No thank you! The draft was worse in that-- but at least I knew to expect >it." >The Doctor laughed again. "Then I'll see the clerk about buying it." Celena: [Shinko] Have you got any of that Gainax lingerie here? [Tsuneo raises a cushion, looks at Celena, and meekly puts it down] >"... Ishako, I don't understand... All: We noticed. >how can they have a whole prominade like this inside the ship? Rebecca: It's a big ship. Next! >How can they just have businesses and... and..." >"... And carry on like normal people, when they know what's going on?" >Shinko nodded. Tsuneo: Well what about the crew? What are they meant to do in their spare time? Dan: Play Counterstrike endlessly? Tsuneo: Silly me. >"Well, for one, YOU try to pack 10,000 people into a relatively small space >and tell them to do nothing... we built the Prominade so that they'd have >something to do." Celena: So everyone's going to spend the entire trip to Mars hanging out at the mall in their spare time? >"Ten thousand? I thought you said that the ARK held 144,000 people..." >"It does. But only 10,000 are ever awake at a given time. The others are >all in Cryostasis." Dan: I guess they're the ones who bought the economy-class tickets. Tsuneo: So do they keep cycling them in and out, or what? Celena: Actually, I want to know why they bother unfreezing people they don't need. Rebecca: Ironically they over-booked the flight. >"Oh..." >Shinko looked out at the throngs of people in the Prominade. "... Did I... >hurt anyone in the last battle?" Celena [Ishako]: No-one we know or care >"... There were a few injuries." Ishako said, fumbling for her ID card. Celena: Some buildings were damaged. There were a few civilian casualties. Rating D-. You blow goats. Rebecca [Chirpy]: Don't worry about it, Shinko. You did the best you could, which isn't much, really. >"A few injuries? Didn't the Angel's lance pierce the hull?" >The Doctor quickly gave her card to the clerk, who swiped it through. She >simply said nothing. Shinko sighed and hung her head. 'Of course.' Shinji >thought, glancing down at the pale white form he wore, covered by the light >blue dress. 'Ritsuko and Misato would say the same thing...' Tsuneo: End fic! Celena: You know, there's one thing that I really can't stand. Rebecca: What's that? [Celena pulls out a double-barrelled shotgun and unloads it into the TV] Celena: Weak-willed, stroppy, teary female stereotypes. [Dead silence] Rebecca: I agree. Voice: Well, um, thanks for that. Celena: No problem. I'll happily destroy your TV any time. Voice: That's not what I meant. Celena: I know. Voice: Well, um... That's fine then. Can I have your reviews? Tsuneo: Despite the original setting and the mostly original cast, it amazes me that the story still manages to be a rehash of the first two episodes. In fact, through the end of the last chapter and the start of this one, it was copied almost scene for scene. I mean, it has a lot of potential as a setting, but it's just going to waste. Celena: I'll he blunt. I hate Ishako. She's a weak, stroppy, girlish female stereotype who's meant to be in a position of authority here. At least Ritsuko and Misato seemed capable of standing on their own feet, but I always get the feeling Ishako's about to burst into a blubbering mess. That and the way she seemed determined to mould Shinji in her own image just plain pissed me off. Dan: The set up of this ship just got me. I mean, not only have they got a chicken wuss for a captain and Kensuke for a science officer, but I've got to wonder about the whole shopping mall in the middle. I mean, why do thewy need ten thousand people out of cold storage anyhow, if their trip is only going to take a couple of months? Weird. Rebecca: You know, initially I kind of liked this fic. It had a new twist on the Evangelion universe and seemed to be avoiding a lot of the mistakes and clichés of EVA fanfics. Also, science officer Kensuke meant that I could get a few yucks off it. Unfortunately, the author decided to bring back EVA-03, which is probably the single *worst* pitfall of EVA fiction. I suspect that if it goes on from here, it'll end up spiralling into being a mess of the world's worst Evafic clichés. Celena: Well that was a waste of precious time. Rebecca: Like the election, really. Dan: True. I can't believe that I failed to predict a single result. Tsuneo: Dan, you were *drunk* when you made your calls. Dan: So? That's still no excuse. Celena: So what happens now? Do I get the job or don't I? Rebecca: Well, now that you've gone through the test, we'll move to the office and go to the review stage. Celena: By that you mean "Go to the pub and get pissed", right? Tsuneo: Pretty much. Celena: So you won't really be reviewing my application, will you? Dan: Well, not really, no. Celena: So you'll just be hanging around in a pub getting drunk, right? Rebecca: Yes. Celena: Good. Let's go. Rebecca: That's a definite plus to you. [They get up and leave. The Kirov buzzes past the TV's ruins, then the screen goes blank] Voice: I've got to stop letting them in here early. [Pause] And will somebody get rid of that thing? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Celena, Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Zogster) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- >I'm getting used to Rei's body... it seems she spent a lot of time in >hospitals."