Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Number 43. The continuation of "Cruel Lina's Thesis." Featuring th3e dreaded Dinner Scene! And a guest appearance by Keanu Reeves! Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Slayers is copyright (fill this bit in) "Cruel Lina's Thesis" is copyright 2 hacks who've written bad fanfics over the web. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [The place is a mess. Streamers, paper plates and other such party detritus is strewn all over the apartment. Rebecca, Dan, Tsuneo and Rick are seated on the couches, each one with a piece of chocolate cake on the coffee table in front of them. Dan has party hat sitting off-skew on his head.] Rick: Alright, calm down. Now before we pig out [He looks around at the rubbish] Er, that is, we pig out *more,* I've been going through our old files, and I've come up with some interesting stats. Dan & Rebecca: Boo! Boring! Tsuneo: Nah, I want to hear these. Rick: Well, you'd better appreciate them. I had to go through stuff like "Hellstorm" and "Bubblegum Shift" to get them all right. Rebecca: Okay, we're listening. Rick: First of all, I've tallied up how many fics we've each had to sit through. I've gotten off easiest with only 29 viewings to date. Dan: Only? Rick: Oh, yeah. Dan, you're the second highest with a whopping 39. And the highest... Tsuneo: Me, no doubt. Rick: wrong! Rebecca takes out no less than 42! You were only there for 35 viewings. Rebecca: Guess you've got more sense than I thought. Rick: Cute. As for the TVs... Well, so far we've gone throuhg no less than 26 televisions - that's 3 each for Dan & I, 5 for Rebecca and 6 for Tsuneo. Rebecca: Serious? I thought I'd claimed more than wonder boy. Rick: Well, you were ahead most of the way. Tsuneo only caught up during ourt recent EVA marathon. Dan: And understandably so. Hey, what about the rest of them? Rick: The other nine TVs go to our guest reviewers - we've had 14 guests, can you believe it? - or run-ins. Rebecca: Seems like the first thing a guest does is demolish the TV. Riock: Not quite, but it does happen quite a lot. Tsuneo: That must really be piling up on the voice's account. Rick: Yeah, and that's not including other furniture. I think we've trashed everything in here at least once. Rebecca: [Bored] Fascinating. Rick: As for the actual fics, they're rather far-spread. We've had 1 each of El Hazard, Robotech, Macross, Teknoman, Soul Calibur, Gobots, Power Rangers, Kazei 5, Xena and even a DBZ fic. Dan: Where was that? Rebecca: Lost somewhere in the mes that was "ShinAkuma vs. Vegeta." Dan: True. How can you tell? Rebecca: It ain't easy to find, truct me. Rick: We've also had 2 Pokemon, 2 Street Fighter, 3 Ranma 1/2, 3 FF7, 3 Slayers, 4 Tenchi, 4 BGC, 6 Transformers, 11 Sailor Moon and no les than 19 EVA fics. Tsuneo: Nineteen? That is scary. Dan: Hang on... That doesn't add up at all. Rick: I know, but I was counting each part of our crossovers - otherwise, we wouldn't have any DBZ, Ranma, or El Hazard amongst others. Tsuneo: This is really, *really* scary. So how many SIs have we had? Rick: What, characters or fics? Tsuneo: Characters. Rick: Okay... We've had eleven SI characters, including 1 for BGC, 1 for Tenchi and 3 for Sailor Moon... Sort of. Rebecca: So the rest of them are EVA SIs? What is it about that show that inspires self-insertions? Dan: Who knows. Rick: Last of all, we've had 11 crossovers, 5 crossover/self insertions, 1 crossover/not quite a lemon, 1 crossover/anti-fic, a whopping 17 self- insertion fics, only 13 original flavour fics and one spam. Rebecca: A spam? Where'd that come from? Rick: Weeelll... I wasn't quite sure where to put Sono and his amazing fic, so... Tsuneo: Did you list him amongst the self-insertions? Rick: Couldn't be bothered. Now, without further ado... [They all reach for their cake, but are suddenly interrupted.] Voice: Good morn... Uh... What happened here? Rebecca: Oh, hi there. We had a little party. Voice: A party? Dan: Yeah. Rick here figured that today was our 50th viewing. Would you believe it? Voice: Uh... Yeah. That's quite something. Tsuneo: So we're celebrating our survival... sort of. Voice: Right... Well, given the occaision, I'll send you guys something special. [They all look at each other nervously.] Rebecca: That usually means trouble. Voice: Oh come on, it's not that bad. Really. I mean it this time. Rick: No-one's buying it, voice. Voice: Ah, give it a try. It's of all things an instruction manual for a Playstation game. Tsuneo: That is special. [The TV lights up.] > Evil Zone Rick: Wasn't that a place in one of Issei's stories? > Story Rebecca: Such as it is. > Ihadurca is a being capable of existing in multiple dimensions simultaneously. Rick: Wow, you have a real split personality problem. > The world of Kumi Island is threatened by Ihadurca. Though the cost was heavy, > the inhabitants of Kumi were able to temporarily confine Ihadurca in Evil Zone, Dan: TM. Rebecca: Say what is an Evil Zone anyway? Rick: Oh, well basically it's a zone, right, what's evil hence the name "Evil Zone." Tsuneo: You don't know, do you? Rick: No, I don't. > but the danger is not over. Dan: Wouldn't be much of a game otherwise. > Therefore, Kumi Island was compelled to call upon > mighty warriors from other worlds. Rebecca: What, aren't their own good enough? Rick: [Zordon] Recruit five teenagers with attitude. > A tournament is held to select the strongest warrior to face Ihadurca. Tsuneo: Wouldn't it make more sense to send them all in at once, rather than get them to beat each other up *then* fight the ultimate evil one-on-one? Dan: 'Cause then the game would be a lot, lot shorter. > Each warrior has his or her own reasons for wanting to fight Ihadurca. Rick: I suppose we wouldn't get anywhere without all the personal angst. Tsuneo: You make it sound like that's a bad thing. Dan: I wanna beat her up 'cause she's bad! Is that good enough? > But, right now, they are warriors. Rebecca: Yeah, you just said that. > Let the battle be joined in Kumi... Tsuneo: Let's not and say we did. > Controller Rick: A villain name almost as lame as "The Propriator." > D-Pad: Characters move (during the fight) / Selecting menu > (Triangle): Attack (during the fight) Tsuneo: No, you're going to savagely attack the menus. Of course it's during the fight! Rebecca: You've got to remember, this was written for Playstation owners. Tsuneo: Point. > (Square): Defense (during the fight) Rick: Care to be any more vague? Tsuneo: No, you've got to defend yourself against a pissed off menu. Dan: Any reason? Tsuneo: Because you attacked it! > (X): Setting menu, etc... > (Circle): Canceling menu, etc... Rebecca: You know... Stuff. Do I have to spell it all out to you? > Select: Press select while pressing start to return to the title screen > Start: Calling out pause menu Rick: [Cowboy] I'm calling you out, pause menu! > R1 & L1: Selecting stage Tsuneo: Has this become a refuge for gerunds or something? > R2 & L2: Handicap setting Rebecca: Is that it? They gave the Playstation eight buttons and you only use two for the game? What a waste. Dan: Maybe they made it with Gameboy conversion in mind. > To begin the game Dan: Push "on." > It is advised that you do not insert or remove peripherals or Memory Cards Rick: Without consulting your doctor first. Rebecca: But isn't a memory card a peripheral? > once the power is turned on. > Select a game play mode on the Title screen and press (X) button. Tsuneo: Let's see: beat people up, beat people up or beat people up. Big choice. > Selecting Characters: Using the Up, Down, Left, or Right directional buttons, Dan: Really? I never would have guessed. > select a character to play and press (X) button to set. Rebecca: Choose? Confirm, maybe? Not set. Rick: So what, do you put them in the fridge overnight or something? > In the VS mode, you > can set up the stage with L1 and R1 buttons, and the handicaps with L2 and R2 > buttons. Dan: So this game effects your golf score? > Rules and regulations Rick: Last one to die wins. > Tournament structure: There is no time limit. If you get zero on the > opponent's life gauge, you earn one life seed. > Winning condition: When you make the opponent's life seed lose and get zero > on the opponent's life gauge, you win. Tsuneo: Hang on... So you get a life seed when you knock out the opponent, but you can't win unless he loses his seed *and* is knocked out? Did I get that right? Rebecca: I don't think there is a "right." Rick: Why not say "You fight until someone wins two rounds?" Dan: That's too easy. > Modes Dan: Fighter, Gerwalk and Battroid. > Story mode (for 1P play) : Select a character to play and follow the story, Rebecca: How can you not follow the story? Rick: Beat guy up, have trite dialogue, beat someone else up, repeat. Dan: Face it, you guys haven't been the same since the story mode in "Psychic Force." Tsuneo: Thanks for reminding us. Wong's accent is still giving me nightmares. > fighting against the computer. When you destroy all opponents, the game ends. Tsuneo: You'd be pretty amazed if that wasn't the case. > 1P battle mode (1P play and raid) : All: Raid? > Select a character to play and continuously fight against the computer to Rebecca: Get Windows 98 working. > win the tournament. Rick: So how's this any different from the story mode? Dan: No trite dialogue. > When you destroy all opponents, Dan: You go off and have ice cream. > the game ends. The 2P side can press the start button to raid. Tsuneo: That's nice, but what's this "raid" thing. Rick: Maybe you steal those "life seed" things. Dan: I don't get it. > VS mode (for battle play) : This is a mode for the matches between players. Tsuneo: Well if it's called VS mode, what do you think it is? > You can set up the battle stage with the L1/R1 buttons and the handicaps with > L2/R2 buttons. Rebecca: In case you hadn't got it yet. > Survival mode (for 1P play) : This is a mode for striving to defeat as many > computer opponents with only one of your life gauges. Rick: I'd assume you've only got one gauge. Maybe this is one of those silly Crapcom things. > A fixed quantity of life is restored after each battle. > Practice mode (for 1P play) : This is a mode for practicing the game > operations. Rick: And the 1999 award for the statement of the bleedingly obvious goes to... > You can also see the instructional film Rebecca: Which was made some time during the early fifties and is quite hilariously out of date by now. > on the game operations and techniques. > Options Tsuneo: Switch off the machine, go outside and do something healthy. > This is to change the various game settings. Rebecca: I never would have guessed. Really. > Battle rank : You can establish the degree of difficulty at 1P battle in Story > Mode. Tsuneo: Set the difficulty level. > Life stock : You can establish the life stock number in each battle. Rebecca: Is this "life stock" anything like those "life seed" things? Rick: No, "life stock" is what you get when you boil a "life seed." Rebecca: Huh? > The life stock setting is done at every VS. and 1P Battle Modes. Dan: so you've got to go back and set it each time you play? What a drag! > Sound : You can set the stereo/mono audio sound mode. Tsuneo: Audio sound. What will they think of next. Rebecca: I'm looking forward to olfactory sound myself. > Auto save : You can set the Auto Save ON/OFF mode. Rick: That made sense except for the "mode." Why's it there? Rebecca: What's this obsession they have with the word "mode?" > Load : This is for loading the Dan: Furniture onto the truck. > saved game data. > Save : All game stages in progress and option settings are saved in the memory > card. Also, one block is necessary for the save. Tsuneo: What, so it eats a memory card block each time you save? > Button config : This changes the button operations in the game. Rebecca: Yes, you can choose which *two* buttons to whack! Dan: Okay, simmer. > Extra : When the game advances, some options are added enabling you to have > special settings. Dan: Bounce setting: On or on. Rick: Dan, this is not "Dead or Alive." Dan: Aww... > Exit : This returns you to the title screen. Rebecca: I never would have guessed. > Common commands Rebecca: Fetch, sit and heel. > Each character can perform various moves when you combine the directional > buttons with buttons. Dan: Does that include the directional buttons? Tsuneo: I think they meant *other* buttons. > The details on how to operate the common commands are > as follows (all operations are for characters facing to the right) : Tsuneo: No, wait. Let's be different and have them facing left. Rick: Why are the caharcters always facxing right in these demos? That's biased against player 2. > Moving > Right forward > Left backward > Up toward the background > Down toward the foreground > Right + (square) circling (when opponent is close) > Up Up + (square) Jump Rick: Why not just a simple jump? Dan: That's for dodging. Rebecca: Then why not use the shoulder buttons? Well? They're there for a reason, not just to change the freaking handicap! Tsuneo: Cool down. I think you're taking this "two buttons" bit too personally. Rebecca: Mutter grumble Gameboy grumble. > Normal attack > (Triangle) (Close range) : Dan: Extreme closeup action! > Pressing this button once allows you to have two normal direct attacks. Rick: Okay, so you're *allowed* to have them? Dan: No, you didn't press the triangle button, so I won't allow you to attack. So there. Tsuneo: But once you're allowed to, how do you actually attack? > when you press (triangle) during the attack, the third attack is performed. Rebecca: So why not just press triangle three times? [Dead silence.] > However, when you press only the directional buttons once without pressing > (triangle), you can obtain a deadly attack corresponding to each direction. Rick: But they cost a bundle. Dan: So does that mean you can get a deadly rear attack? Tsuneo: Don't go there. > When you press only the directional buttons multiple times, Rebecca: The machine gets a headache and your fingers get cramped. > you can have other normal attacks Rick: For me? Oh, thank you! Tsuneo: As opposed to other abnormal attacks, I presume. > corresponding to each direction. (The nature of the > deadly attack can be changed as mentioned later) Dan: What's the bets they never bring it up again? > (triangle) (Long range) : Rebecca: Plus four to hit. > For normal attack by a long range projectile against an opponent. You can > have up to three continuous attacks. Tsuneo: So that's it? the art of precision moves for ranged attacks in fighting games has come down to "hammer the button?" What is this, Psychic Force? Rick: Nah, it's Megaman in Marvel vs. Capcom. > Down Down + (triangle) : > For floating attack. [They all look at each other and shrug.] Rick: What's the command for a floating island then? Dan: Reset. > Forward Forward + (triangle) : Rebecca: For a non-floating attack. Obviously. > For gliding attack. When this attack is performed Rick: You spend five minutes making a glider out of bamboo and deer hides. Although it turns out to have a welded aluminium frame. > against an opponent floating in the air, Tsuneo: People seem to float a lot in this game. > you can have three continuous gliding (collapsed > opponent) +long range gliding attack : Rick: Uh... Yeah! Dan: What he said. > You can perform a special gliding attack. Rebecca: Didn't you just say that? Tsuneo: Actually, I have no idea what it just said. > However you may be counterattacked. Dan: This is from someone who's "collapsed?" Tsuneo: What do they mean by "collapsed," anyway? Rick: Maybe their company's just gone belly-up. > You can look for other attacks, they are numerous! > Defense Rebecca: When in doubt, use... Protection! > (square) : This is for blocking the opponent's attacks. Dan: That's why it's called "defense." Rebecca: Firk dang firking "Thunder" had more controls than this... > If the timing is right, you can repel the attack. Tsuneo: Doesn't "blocking" mean "repel" in this context? Dan: Or you could just stick your arms up and cop it like you always do. > (This is also effective against the mid and long range capture attacks.) Rick: That's nice. What's a capture attack? > Down Tsuneo: What's that "down" doing there? Rebecca: Down boy! Back! Sit! > Up Getting up after being knocked down toward the background. > Down Getting up after being knocked down toward the foreground. Dan: What if you're knocked straight back? Rebecca: Oh, so it has two buttons for getting up, but- Tsuneo: Oh, shut up. > A combination of attack and defense buttons during the getting up movements Rick: Will make you look very silly. Dan: Here we see the third movement of the "getting up" form. > allows you to cancel the getting up movement, and then allows you to attack > or defend. Dan: Does that mean you're still on the ground? I can't tell. > (While you are down, various attacks by the opponent will hit you!) Tsuneo: That's just playing dirty. > Collapse Dan: Here's the bit we've been waiting for. > You will collapse when you get a fixed attack; Tsuneo: So, uh, when you get your attack fixed you fall over? Rick: This makes no sense! > therefore you must recover quickly Dan: No, take the time out to discover the majesty of recovering. > by tapping the button rapidly and repeatedly. Rebecca: Yes, but which button? there's a whole *two!* > The camera angles change at various attacks. Rick: Great, now we've got a psychotic director too. > Storing > hold (triangle) This activates to form a power crystal. Tsuneo: Have we had "power crystals" yet? Rick: Uh... I can't remember. > When the life guage > indicates a fuel power gauge, a power crystal is formed. Dan: That's nice. What's a "fuel power gauge?" Rebecca: Fuel power? Isn't that a bit redundant? > The less amount of > life gauge a character has, the quicker the character gets the power > crystal. Each character can stock up to 3 power crystals. Tsuneo: Yes, but then what do you do with them? Rick: You eat them with the "life stock." > Special condition Tsuneo: The state of the guy who wrote this. > When you are lifted up in the air and knocked down on the spot, you can > take a defensive position by pressing (square). Dan: Is this in mid-air or after you've landed? Details, man! > Pressure dash > When the characters collide with each other while performing glide attacks, Dan: They collide in a messy explosion and body parts go everywhere. Rick: Did you know that in Car Wars, if two pedestrians collide with each other they both have a fifty percent chance of dying? Rebecca: They don't make pedestrians like they used to. > they start running glaring at each other. If you tap the button more than > the opponent in a fixed time, you can make the opponent collapse. Tsuneo: More of the mysterious "collapse," I see. > Characters Rick: I'm rather fond of "asterisk" myself. > Danzaiver (Sho) > The ultimate hero Dan: Getting a bit cocky, aren't we? Rebecca: Does he have a killer thesaurus? > The ultimate hero! Rick: Didn't you just say that? Rebecca: No, this time they exclaimed it. > A.K.A. SHO. He is from planet IZANDA. Tsuneo: The planet of random capitaisation. > Male, 21 years old. A good guy. Rebecca: Well, if he's the "ultimate hero" I'd hope so. > He is a sympathetic hero who decides to rescue his kidnapped > partner YURI. Dan: Okay, alright already! No need to shout. Tsuneo: Just "decides" to rescue her? Rick: [Danzaiver] Should I save her? Nnnah, never liked her anyway. > Alty Al Lazel > The glass magician Rebecca: Shatters when dropped. > He is from Kumi island. Male, 15 years old. A good guy. He lost his parents > when he was a child. Dan: He looked everywhere, and he couldn't find them. Rick: They "collapsed." > He became a court magician at age 15. He has many > abilities. He is innocent and gentle. Dan: And probably fights like a pansy. > Gally Vanish Gregman > A nice guy with explosive power Rebecca: Guess who's been to Taco Bell. > He's from planet ARADIA. Dan: And he's very excited about it, clearly. > Male, 36 years old. A neutral person. Rick: Not a "good guy?" Tsuneo: I love the clean-cut morality in this game. > He is a famous bounty hunter in the galactic world. Rick: So famous, he doesn't need a long intro. > Erel Plowse > A perennially cheerful girl Dan: Read: bimbo. > She is from Kumi island. Female, 17 years old. A neutral person. Rebecca: She obviously doesn't have automatic transmission. > She is clad in armour NEPHLIM. Tsuneo: And if you knew what a "NEPHLIM" was, that'd mean something. > She is also called God's helper. Rick: I feel sorry for him. Dan: Hey, what are Evan and Kimmy meant to do now? Tsuneo: Please don't remind me. > She is a mercenary who honors ethical values. > Midori Rick: I'll have one of those with ice, please. > A fiery fighter > She's from Japan. Dan: Shouldn't that be "JAPAN?" Tsuneo: Ow, my ears... > Female, 18 years old. A neutral person. Rebecca: Good, bad, neutral, who gives a crap. Rick: Someone's been playing too much D&D. > She's a high school student Rebecca: I was wondering how long this game could go without a Japanese schoolgirl. > and is a successor of FUIN Martial School. A good fighter. Tsuneo: Well, you'd hope so. > Setsuna > The guardian angel Dan: Ramiel? Zeruel? Rick: Bloantualhell? > She is from Japan. Female, 14 years old and good. Rebecca: You watch, she'll be wearing a sailor suit. > She's a student Rebecca: There you go. She probably shows off her panties a lot, too. > coexisting with KARIN, a concious being. Dan: Um... Does that mean they're in the same class or something? > As a guardian angel, she protects people from those of the dark side. [They all imitate Darth Vader's heavy breathing.] > Keiya > The man in the shadow Rick: Morden? > KEIYA is from Japan. Male, 24 years old. A bad guy. Dan: I was wondering when we'd get round to those. Tsuneo: He's big head man, he is lousing around. > He is next to be chief of the TEMPO-IN clan. Rebecca: Arch rivals of the TEMPO-OUT clan. > The clan's mission is to rule the world. Rick: Either that, or conquer ther market in soft-serve ice cream. > He is very proud and is an unapproachable person. Dan: And he ain't a nice guy either. Rick: He needs new roads. > Linedwell Rainrix Tsuneo: Now they're just hitting the keys at random. > A medium at daybreak. Rick: Whatever that means. > He's from England. Male, 20 years old. A bad guy. Tsuneo: You're a bad guy, where's your library card? > He leads a destructive life. Rebecca: I guess he's a talkback radio host then. Dan: Well, he is a "bad guy." > He stole a sword SHAHAL from an antique shop. Rick: You can tell it's a sharp sword becasue it's in capitals. > He's very wicked. Tsuneo: Did we mention he's a bad guy? > Kakurine > An extremely pure soul > She is 10,010 years old. Dan: She still gets asked for ID in bars, though. > Female and bad. Tsuneo: So much for that "extremely pure soul" bit. > She lives in a super natural dimension. Rebecca: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of crap. > Despite her age, she looks and acts like a little girl. Dan: Any reason? Rick: It makes admission to Disney World that much cheaper. > She posses super transcendental powers.Void" someone has given her. Tsuneo: Did we just skip a line there? We've got to be missing something. Rebecca: Uh, someone has voided her transcendental powers? No? Help? > Ihadurca > The absolute existence Dan: A cockroach. > She is female, 23 years old and bad. Dan: So our arch-villain is only 23? Rebecca: In dog years she'd be 161. And yes, that is relevant. > Due to her ultimate destructive power, Rick: She went on Springer. Dan: This week on Springer: Transdimensional, all-powerful destructive floozies and the men who love them. > she was imprisoned in EVIL ZONE. Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a plot. > She is the one who's jeopardizing the peace of all > galactic frontier civilization. Rick: In case you hadn't noticed it the first five times, she's bad. [The TV switches off.] Rick: Anyone want to go for another statistic? Tsuneo: Nah, can't be bothered. Voice: So, feel confident in playing Evil Zone? Dan: Not quite. I've played the game before, but I didn't bother reading the manual. Now, I'm not sure I could ever play the game again. Rebecca: Did people really get money for writing that? Sounds like a crime to me. Tsuneo: It was so vague and stupid. Quite the least helpful manual I've ever read. Rick: I get the feeling that I'd be better off reading the German version of the manual. Dan: Why, do you speak German. Rick: No. Voice: Well thanks guys, and enjoy yourselves. Tsuneo: We've earned it if anyone has. Dan: Now? Rikc: Now. [They all grab their cakes. The screen goes blank.] Dan: Here's to another fifty. [Dead silence.] Rebecca: That's not funny. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > She posses super transcendental powers.Void" someone has given her.