Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 41. A wierd, bizarre and pointless little FF7 piece. It doesn't even seem to have a title. Final Fantasy 7 is copyright Squaresoft. This fanfic is copyright somebody who didn't even put their name on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on a shelf above the TV.] [Dan enters carrying a black furby under one arm. he sits it down on the table facing the front door, then sits on the forwards facing couch. Rebecca, Rick and Tsuneo enter after a while.] Rick: Hey, Dan's already here. Rebecca: I though I detected a noxious odour. Tsuneo: Hey man, where were you? Dan: Hey there. I just had to get something special for today's viewing. Rick: What? [Dan indicates to the furby.] Rick: Oh, gods. Rebecca: You what? Tsuneo: What'd you get one of those for? Rebecca: That must have cost you several months worth of pay. Dan: Not quite. Besides, this'll be fun. Rebecca: Any particular reason? [Dan picks up and shakes the Furby to "wake" it, then sets it back on the table.] Dan: Just wait... you'll see. Furby: Son of a bitch. Rick: What did it just say? Dan: Oh, I sat it down in front of three hours each of WWF and South Park. It's got a rather amusing vocabulary now. Furby: Kickass. Rebecca: Well done, Dan. You've corrupted a Furby. Tsuneo: I'm amazed, personally. Dan: He's a cool little guy. Rick: In your dreams, Dan. In your dreams. Voice: Morning all. Furby: Good god, it's Kane! Voice: Huh? Rick: Dan bought a furby. Tsuneo: And corrupted it. I mean, more so than usual. Voice: Er... fine. Rebecca: So what have we got today? Voice: I just found you an FF7 fic which is... interesting. [They all glare at the roof.] Voice: It's short, okay? [They all shake their heads.] Voice: Hey, you're getting paid for this. Rick: If you call that pay. [They sit - Dan and Rick on the forwards-facing couch, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the sideways one. Rick and Tsuneo are closest on the edges. Dan places the Furby on the table in front of him.] [The screen lights up.] > The is based on Final Fantasy 7 (hopefully you saw the logo). Rick: No we didn't! It's a text file. > I hope you like it. Rebecca: It was probably a very nice logo, actually... > Hey! Don't make (too much) fun of my cousin! Dan: Aww... please? > This is his very first > attempt on any fanfic! If ya wanna get him, make sure ya Email me & > put: "Attn. Vampire Hunter D", a'ight? And for the FF7 fan, get yur > midis/soundtracks ready. Rick: That bodes. > Okay, you can read on now. Tsuneo: So we have to get his permission? > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Sono?" a voice said, Tsuneo: Sono? Who's Sono? Rebecca: [Raises her hand] I'll take monkey boy self-insertions for five hundred. Rick: Okay, voice, is he an SI? Voice: I don't know. Dan: You what? Voice: You'll see. > "Sono!…SONO, GET UP!" > When he woke up he saw Cloud’s face in front of him. Rick: Now that's something you don't want to see first thing in the morning. Rebecca: Why? what's wrong with it? Rick: The hair! The horrible hair! Tsuneo: Very funny. > "What the hell are you doing in front of my face!?" Sono shouted. Rick: Er, waking you up, probably. > (play INN theme now) All: Uh? Dan: So this is an interactive fanfic? Tsuneo: Bringing new electronic heights to lameness. > Sono blinked for a while, trying to get the blurs out of his eyes. > He looked around, confused at first, but realized he checked at > this inn last night. Rick: Man, what was he drinking? Dan: Ooh, ooh, where can I get some? > He stared at a worn wooden wall for a while, Dan: Your life must be so fascinating. > but was soon distracted by a sonic boom. Rebecca: Obviously Barret's been in the beans again. Rick: Let's not go there, okay? Furby: Ow! My ass! [Dan bursts out laughing. Tsuneo glares evilly at the Furby.] > "What the hell was that?" Sono asked, overreacting. Dan: Spaceball one! It's gone to plaid. > "It’s SOLDIER," Cloud said. Rick: Something about all your unpaid library fines. > "What!? Don’t tell me it’s Sephiroth again!" Sono complained. Rebecca: Okay, so SOLDIER shows up and automatically it's something to do with Sephiroth? Couldn't they just be trying to kill you as normal? Tsuneo: I get the feeling logic is going to be rather scant around here. > "It is. So get your ass up so we could kick some ass!" Rick: I'm guessing the authour likes the word "Ass." > Cloud said while looking back at him, heading for the door. Tsuneo: So Cloud's heading back at Sono who's heading for the door? > "Hey, where’s everyone else?" Sono asked, Rick: Running away from you. Rebecca: Tifa's drunk, Aeris is asleep, Yuffie's on a major ice- cream binge and Vincent's sulking in his room. Tsuneo: Huh? Rebecca: Don't ask. > looking around the quarters. > "They’re waitin’ for ya so get your ass up!" Cloud shouted. Rebecca: That line has so many dirty connotations. Furby: Why is it that everything today has been going into or coming outta my ass? Rebecca: [Laughing] I like this guy. > (stop playing theme) Rebecca: Of course, then the instant Cloud left, Sono walked over, opened the closet and the Chocobo theme started playing as Sono's good friend stepped out. Rick: That would explain why he was so late up. > (play any TOWN theme now) Dan: Hold on, I'm still changing tracks. > Cloud and Sono walked out the inn. They wandered towards the source > of the sound they heard from earlier. Dan: A man with a CD player frantically swapping discs. Tsuneo: And how can you see a sound anyway? > They saw the gang standing there waiting. Rick: It would be nice to know where exactly they are anyway. > "What the hell took you so damn long?!" Dan: [Sono] The escalator broke down and we had to stand there for two hours until the repairman showed up. Rick: [Barret] You stood on an escalator for two hours? Why didn't you sit down instead? > Barret exclaimed, not > noticing the wall he was punching earlier crumbling from its > foundations. Tsuneo: Lesson number one: Never get Barret ticked. Rebecca: Lesson number two: Enforce the building code. > "Sorry. I overslept," Sono reasoned. > "Well look over there," Tifa pointed out. Rick: [Sono] Yeah, it's your hand. So? > There was a large ball of light, coming from the west. It grew larger > in size, becoming louder as it streaked by. They covered their ears > as they saw a beam of light cutting the sky in half. The beam finally > stopped shooting, revealing an advanced-looking airship. Rebecca: Can anyone explain to me what just happened there? Furby: Aack! Aliens! Rick: What happened was an airship with really bad disco lighting zipped overhead. > "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!!!!" Barret shouted, looking at the ship. All: AN AIRSHIP! > "That beam came from that ship," Aeris pointing to the ship. Rebecca: Very observant, Aeris. You get a cookie. > "It looks sorta like one of those scientific ships," Sono noted. Tsuneo: [Cloud] How can you tell? Dan: [Sono] 'Cause it looks, well, scinetific. Tsuneo: Uh-huh. Right. > It suddenly clicked in his mind. Rick: [Sono] Two plus two is four! All: [Cheer wildly] > He cried out: "Hey, wait a minute! > I’ve seen that ship before! It’s one of Shinra’s ships" Tsuneo: Never mind that they've only got the Highwind. > Cloud soon realized what an idiot he was. "Yeah! That’s it!" Cloud > exclaimed. > "We have to get to the ship fast!" Tsuneo: Any particular reason? Rick: I dunno, gives 'em something to do. Rebecca: And we wouldn't have a plot otherwise. Dan: Would you rather they just stood around and chatted all day? Tsuneo: Well said. > Cid, already heading towards the huge blotch in the sky. (stop playing) Dan: Did any of that last bit make sense? > By ones or twos, everyone else followed. For a majority of the > time, they were running on clear plains. Rick: Man, how long is this chase scene gonna be? > Cloud caught up and was > running side-by-side with Cid. Cloud stopped suddenly, Rebecca: Check out the brakes on that one. > Cid stopping a few paces after. > "Look’s like we have company," Cid said, carefully taking out his > home-made spear. Tsuneo: that's nice, but does someone mind telling us what's happening? > "It’s Shinra’s henchmen!" Tifa informed the others, Rick: [Barret] Thanks, we'd never have noticed on our own. > clenching her fists. (play BATTLE theme now) Rebecca: Alright, already. Geez, some people. > They all lined up in their usual battle formations. Rick: Ie: Pushing Yuffie to the front and waiting for it to happen to her first. > Soon standing before them were 10 foot tall robots, Tsuneo: So they're being attacked by ana army of midgets? > each in various shades of > black, blue, and white, but having the same structure of the alien > Guyver armor. Dan: Okay. Yeah, that really fits in here. > Cloud always had a habit of attacking as soon as possible. Rebecca: Yeah, that's generally a good idea. Rick: Or you could wait and get clobbered. Makes no difference to us. > He got out his trusty sword, Rick: Say where does he hide that thing anyway? Tsuneo: Shut up. > jumping up a good 10 or 11 > feet in the air. He held its weight over his head, and thrusted it > down on the face of the giant bucket of bolts and metal. Dan: Bolts and metal? I thought it looked like the Guyver? Tsuneo: It's probably the cheap Taiwanese knock-off Guyver. > He jumped > out of the way, giving the others a chance to hog a piece of metal > from their enemy. Soon, they all started running backwards, knowing > they would break down and explode right about… Rick: Wait for it, wait for it... > BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rebecca: That's a pretty gratuitous sound affect. Furby: Mah gawd! > Metal and oil stained areas > around the battle ground. "Damn it!" Tifa fussed, "look at my > shirt!" Dan: I'm looking at the shape of her shirt, personally. Rebecca: You would. [Whacks him with a cushion.] > Her voice quieted down, she mumbled about how she’d get the > stain off her just-washed shirt now. Rick: She lives in the Midgar slums and she's worried about the condition of her shirt? Tifa needs to take a reality check. > (stop playing) > They continued running towards the SOLDIER air-ship. But they slowed > down to a halt Tsuneo: Are they ever gonna get there? > when they started to hear shrieks and the flapping > wings of a flying creature. It wasn’t a Chocobo Dan: I'd be worried if it was, given they can't fly. > or any other bird, > they weren’t the species to send down fireballs the size of a small > house. Rick: I suppose we should be amused about now. Rebecca: Why? > "What the…….?" Sono said. He turned around, seeing a crimson dragon > blocking off the sunlight. "It looks like a dragon or something," Tsuneo: Bonus points for observation, that kid. Rick: [Cloud] How can you tell? Dan: [Sono] The narration just said so. > he told no one in particular. Rebecca: He's talking to himself again. Better call the funny farm. Furby: Today's next contender is a psychopatic schitzophrenic from Akron, Ohio. His pastimes include needlework and hardcome chamionship matches. [They all stare at the Furby.] Tsuneo: That little freak's scaring me. > (play BATTLE theme now) All: [Chanting] Dragon... Dragon... Dragon... > Sono takes out his broad sword, Tsuneo: At last, we have a description of this nurke! > charging and vaulting towards the huge lizard. Dan: That's gotta pretty much top the list of ways to get yourself fried. Rick: [Wierd Pete] When someone says "On the count of three we charge," I expect everyone to charge, dammit! It was funny the first time - Six months ago! But it's getting old! Really old! Rebecca: [Bitter Stevil] You're wrong, Pete. It *was* just as funny the twentieth time as the first. > He screamed his lungs out in his attempt to backslash the enemy. Tsuneo: Hold the fic, I wanna try and understand that one. > The dragon’s nostrils flared, Rick: That's no dragon, it's Arnold Rimmer! > spewing out huge balls of > fire. Sono crashed landed down flat on his ass. [All wave fans labelled "Go Dragon!"] > In his attempt to > get up, his arms stung like hell. He noticed the burns he received > from the blast. He clutched his fists but it only caused more pain. > "Damn, that hurts!" Sono shouted. Dan: [Deadpan] This guy amazes me. > Cloud looked down at his companion, getting pissed out of Rebecca: His skull. > how the day has started. "THAT’S IT YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!" Rick: Ah, obviously this is one of those scenes where they left out the control characters. > He twirled his > sword around, putting it back in its casing. He looked like he > vanished, but he could still see what was going on. Spirits of the > once mighty Camelot descended down towards their target, Furby: Layin' the smack down on your ignorant ass! Tsuneo: Major continuity bug here. You can't even get near the island until after Meteor's summoned, but Aeris's death is way before that. Rick: Tell someone who cares. Tsuneo: No, really. I really, really want to know just what in blazes is meant to be happening here. I mean, we've got SOLDIER, we've got an airship, we've got a bunch of inane and badly written fights and that's it. Some plot would be nice, you know. > slashing their enemy just as quickly as they vanished. Then > finally, King Arthur himself made his grand entrance. All: Run away! > He held the > legendary Excalibur with both of his gloved hands, and did a > reversed Sword in the Stone scene, keeping the sword in the > dragon’s forehead for a while before finally pulling it out and > vanishing. Rebecca: By this point everyone in the audience has gone off to get some snacks and the dragon's probably died about three times over. > Cloud rematerialized to the area from which he vanished from, > witnessing the huge beast forming a crater on the plains. Rick: Um... um... Dan: Que? Rebecca: You lost me. > (stop playing now)(play VICTORY theme now) > "Hey it actually worked" Barret commented to Cloud. Rick: Makes you wonder what would happen if it didn't work. Rebecca: [Ringing noise, nasal voice] Hello, you have reached the Knights of the Round. I'm sorry, but they're not in at the moment but if you'd care to leave the name, number and location of your target, they'll be right over. Thank you. Beep! Tsuneo: [Cloud] Damn. Just when I've got Emerald weapon bearing down on me. > They looked at what was left of the flying demon. Rebecca: Um, it was a dragon. > "Let’s go, damn it!" Cid commanded. Rick: Hey, who died and made him the leader? Dan: Well, it's not like Cloud's giving any orders. > (stop playing now) > They all were heading to the ship, running with what energy they > had left towards it. Tsuneo: And they're gaining on it? It *must* be slow. > "Gee, and I thought this ship was small," Sono said sarcastically. > "You idiot, that’s because it was FAR AWAY!" Cloud shouted into > his dumb friend’s ear. Rebecca: Obviously Cloud feels the same about Sono as we do. > "Let’s just get goin’ okay?" Aeris begged. Tsuneo: Hurry, before the plot congeals any further. > "Fine," Cloud said clutching his fist, still looking pretty angry. > They all went up the ladder Dan: Ladder? What friggin' ladder? Rick: Maybe it just spontaneously appeared out of thin air. Tsuneo: Like everything else around here. > noticing that there was another one of those 10 foot guys. Rick: Don't you just hate it? Here you are, minding your own business when all of a sudden there's this ten foot guy, just right in front of you? > "Damn, not you again," Cid exclaimed. Furby: Hello, ladies! > (play BATTLE theme now) Rebecca: I forget, which theme were we playing before? > The robot clenched his fists for a second, and from the thin > slits of his arms revealed a curved blade. Rick: Hey, it's the new Swiss Army ten-foot-tall-guy! > "Oh shit, I didn’t know they could do that!" Cloud said. > "Well now you know," Sono replied. Tsuneo: Such startling and riveting dialogue! > They watched as the robots chest started to move. Dan: The Gainax bounce, I presume. > Metal creaked > for a short time, then the plates started to separate, revealing > tiny rays of light. Rick: [Hot Rod] The Matrix! > "Look out! It’s one of those plasma attacks!" Sono warned Rebecca: You absolutely, positively sure of that? Wouldn't it be so embarassing if it was one of those average, everyday laser attacks? Rick: Social blunders in FF7. > while trying to get to the other side of the cockpit. Tsuneo: The what? I presume this means they caught up with the airship, but when precisely did that happen? Dan: Probably while we were changing soundtracks. > It finally fired, a huge line heading straight towards the ones > on the ladder. The group scattered into smaller groups. Rebecca: Conveniently three to a group, becasue that's all the game allows for. Rick: So what about Sono? Rebecca: What about him? > "It’s not him," Aeris mumbled. Rick: [Zathras] Not the one. No, no, not the one. > "Whad’ya mean ‘It’s not him’?" > Tifa wondered. "He didn’t cause the blast we saw back at town." Dan: [Aeris] The one back at town was grape flavoured, but this is a lime attack. > Cloud was too pissed to follow the conversation. Rebecca: Cloud should think about cutting down a little. Can you imagine what would happen if he fired of Bolt3 with double vision? > He clenched > his fist, but instead of using them to knock out his enemy, he > pulled out his sword. Tsuneo: Well, obviously. Rick: The writer's grip on reality is about as slim as his grip on English. > "You’re goin’ to pay for that," Cloud breathed in a dark tone. Dan: [Cloud] And I charge by the hour. > He charged to the enemy while trying to use Meteor Rain, Furby: Use robot punch! Rick: I think Barret's got one of those... > except > the Guyver-looking mechanism flipped over him and tried to slash > him with his elbow claw. Rebecca: Ooh, nice reversal there. > Sono got in the way All [Including Furby]: Hooray! > and directed the blade upwards with his sword. All: Aww... Furby: Sonova bitch! > "Thanks," Cloud muttered, smiling for a split second. > The stupid piece of 10 foot shit wouldn’t stop fighting though. Tsuneo: Eh? What does this guy think he's writing? Rick: Hellstorm Evangelion, probably. Furby: Anal probe. [They all stare at the Furby.] Rick: There is something seriously wrong with this thing, I swear. > Sono was thinking of what magic power to show off. Then he > remembered something his sensei taught him when he was young. Rick: [Elderly Asian] The rabbit comes out of the holes, goes around the tree to or three times... > He got into his Turtle stance and took a deep breath. Dan: So he pulled all his limbs inside his shirt and pretended no-one was there? Tsuneo: [Hits Dan with a cushion] Idiot. > "KO…KA…ME…HA…ME…HAAAAA!!!" [They all stare at the screen.] Tsuneo: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's an SI now. Dan: God damn, how many people know that one? > (stop playing now) Dan: Are these directions actually adding to this in any way? > But as the android went down and off the ship, it said in its > computer voice, "10…9…8…" > "Get out, it’s a damn destruction device!" Barret shouted. Rick: How do you know it ain't just the microwave? > They > all ran to the other side of the cockpit. Sono tripped over his > shoelaces and fell flat on his face Tsuneo: Okay. I'm sure this is pretty important. > "TIE YOUR SHOE, DAMN IT!" Cloud scolded, still running. Rick: [Elderly Asian] I told you, you twit, the rabbit comes out of the holes, goes around the tree to or three times... > "All right, you don’t have to yell, shit head!" Sono shouted, > trying to run and tie his laces at the same time. [Dan breaks out laughing.] Rick: That takes talent. > "Let’s just hurry before Shinra’s guards find us, okay?" Rebecca: Let's see... with all the explosions and the swearing and Sono doing the Kamehamekamakamukamuk, they'd be pretty daft not to have found you by now. > Aeris > said, looking worried about the constant arguing they seemed to > have. Tsuneo: Without any control characters either. > They kept running, but soon faced two doors. All: Door number 2! Door number 2! > "Damn! Now what?" Sono exclaimed. > "Let’s separate then," Tifa suggested. Rebecca: [Tifa] Cloud, I don't like you anymore. > "Okay, no problem," Cloud said. He started pointing to each > member of the party. "Tifa, Sono, Red XIII, come with me, Barret > ,Yuffie, Cid, and Aeris got through the other door." Tsuneo: Say, um, where'd Cait Sith and Vincent get to? Furby: Aliens took 'em. > "Sure, but what if we lose each other?" Tifa asked. > "Who cares? We’ll find you guys anyway," Sono returned. Dan: That makes sense, I guess. > "Let’s go!" > Cloud, Tifa, Red XIII, and Sono headed for the left door, then > Cid, Yuffie, Barret, and Aeris took the right. Rick: Yes, but where did they take it to? > "This place is dark," Sono sighed, "maybe we should find a flash > light." Rebecca: How about we just set Sono alight instead? > "Yeah, we should," Red XIII returned, looking up towards the > direction of Sono’s voice. Dan: Red's contributing as much as he usually does. > "There’s one that the dead guy is holding," Tifa said, pointing > out a spoiled, rotton corpse. Rick: Oh look, the Rolling Stones are touring again. Furby: Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career. > "I don’t he’s dead, Tifa," Cloud told her, holding her shoulder > and pulling her back. > "How can you tell?" Tifa asked, turning her head slightly. Dan: 'Cause he's got an out to lunch sign around his neck. > "He’s twitching," Sono noted, Rick: So? He could have just read "The Eye of Argon." > pointing out the area where he noticed the corpse move. Rebecca: Yes, but why do we want to know about the corpse's "area?" Tsuneo: Oh yuck. Rick: Of course, it was only twitching because of Tifa. Tsuneo: Do you two mind? Rebecca: Not in the slightest. > The dead guy sprang to life. He looked pale, but he wasn’t a > zombie that’s for sure. Furby: Pink eye! > "Oh shit!" Cloud yelled, feeling his face turn white as well > from fear. > Sono took revealed his sword and immediately went into his > battle stance. Tsuneo: I love the detailed and immaculate description in this fic the most. > "I think that’s one of Shinra’s guards because he…er…it has > a uniform," Sono told the group. Dan: Ya reckon? He could be on his way to a fancy dress ball. > (Now cut to the other group) > "Damn, this place stinks," Barret said, covering his nose. Rick: [Cid] That's not the only thing. Rebecca: [Yuffie] Geez, Barret, did you have to? Furby: Somebody's baking brownies. > "Hey guys, do ya hear that?" Yuffie said. Furby: Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? Rick: Hey Dan, he's stealign all your lines. Dan: Stop that, you little bastard. > "Hear what?" Cid said. > "Well, I think I hear footsteps straight ahead," Aeris said. > BOOM! BOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOM! Dan: [Barret] Nope, didn't hear a thing. > Slowly, the features of a larger, stronger dragon appeared in > front of them. They had to bend back slightly to see its head. Tsuneo: Say, is this still on the airship? I think it's an important detail. > "OH SHIT!!!!!!!" Barret shouted in terror. > They all took out their weapons and items they believed they > needed for this bout. Rebecca: A banana, a mango and a plate of cherries? How's that gonna help? > The End...? Tsuneo: What, you don't know? It's your fic. Rick: Even the authour would have problems understanding this. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Give D some time before he makes some other wierd tale Dan: No chance! I'm outta here! Voice: Not yet, guys. One more chapter. Rick: I don't know If I can take any more of this. > Are We Lost AGAIN?! All: Are we there yet? > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > (Play BATTLE theme now) > "Shit!" Cid cursed, attempting to pull out his spear. The dragon swayed, > shaking Cid's grip off. He screamed as he flew past Vincent and Cait > Sith before crashing into a wall. Dan: Hey! Where'd they come from? Rick: Maybe they were off re-aranging their stamp collections. Others: What? Rick: Never mind. > "Cid!!" Yuffie shouted, watching her friend slide down onto the rock > floor. Dan: [Cid, dazed] I'm fine, how are you? Tsuneo: Rock floor? On an airship? > "NEO-BAHAMUT!!!" Cait Sith screeched from far away through his bullhorn > as he and the others vanished from sight. Rick: Alright, who let him have that? > A large, metallic dragon, Tsuneo: Oh look, it's Deathasaurus. Rick: Huh? Tsuneo: Never mind. > even larger than the one they were battling, > appeared and breathed a large beam of light from its mouth. Rebecca: It's the new Mag-Light dragon. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "DIE ALREADY!!!!" Cloud shouted. His anger showed through his larger- > than-life sword, glowing slightly until he cut the air, forming a > cresent towards the guard. Tsuneo: tHat's nice, but did it actually do anything? Dan: [Guard] Yeah, yeah, cut the flavour text. Did I survive, or what? > "BAHAMUT!!!" Sono summoned, holding up a glowing red orb in the air. > Instead of a bright flash of light, the orb only faded. "Damn, outta > power...AGAIN!" Rick: He needs to switch to Energizer. Dan: Blatant product plug number one. > "Then let me try something," Red XIII suggested. He howled his lungs > until they couldn't give any more air. Rick: He could win a few Grammys that way. Rebecca: So is that Red XIII or Celine Dion? > He watched as the Shinra guard saw itself burn to ashes. All: Uh? > (Play VICTORY theme now) Furby: [Imitates victory theme.] Rebecca: Dan, I think you've really got to get that thing fixed. > "Phew," Tifa sighed, wiping sweat from her forehead, "that was close." Dan: Oh come on, it's just some limey zombie. It's not like they've got many hit points or anything. They're only worth 65 XP anyway. Rebecca: You know, this is why you always drag around a generic human cleric. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > (play BATTLE music now) Rick: Again? We just finished it. > "Are you alright?" Vincent mumbled, tapping Cid's arm with his foot. RebeccA: Tap Cid's Arm. Place one #@%$ counter on Cid's Arm for each monster destroyed. Dan: Very funny. > Cid shook his head and looked up. "Where the hell ya' been?!" he > shouted, lighting another cigarette before getting up. Tsuneo: Yeah, well that's what we wanted to know. Furby: Get your rudy poo, candy-ass down here now! > "Sorry," Cait Sith confessed, "Vincent here was daydreaming of > Lucheria again." > "Lucrecia," Vincent corrected, scowling at his feline companion. Rick: [Cait Sith] Don't blame me, blame the authour who mis-typed it. > Cait Sith shook as Vincent revealed his weapon of choice and pointed > it at his direction. Dan: Talk about your temper tantrums. Furby: [Chanting] Burn in hell! Burn in hell! > "N-n-n-nno!!!" he pleaded, "It was a mistake, really-" Rebecca: BANG! [Vincent] Sorry Cait, you lose. Never liked him anyway. > Vincent didn't listen and fired anyway, watching Caith Sith duck > behind his mog. The bullet flew past the giant doll and into the > scaled neck of the dragon.The creature screeched and kneeled to his > eternal sleep. Rick: [Vincent] Of course, I planned it that way. > (play VICTORY theme now) Rick: Again? I'm still changing CDs from the last time! Dan: First it's battle, then it's victory, then it's battle, now it's victory again. Just make up your freaking mind already. > "Damn Vincent," Barret commented, "Even Cloud don't make that good > of an entrance". Tsuneo: One of the many advantages of having an aura of smooth. Dan: And being able to fly. > Vincent nodded, hiding his gun back in its holder. > "Can we move on now?" Aeris asked. > "Yeah," Yuffie agreed, "this way!" Rick: Grraaar! [Yuffie] Whoops! The other way! > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Hey look!!!" Sono called, showing the flashlight with pride, "Lookie > what I found!" Rebecca: Sono here is amused by the simplest things. > "Hooray," Cloud sighed, rolling his eyes, "let's keep goin' already." Tsuneo: Before the plot congeals any further. > Sono led the way through a maze of paths, not knowing which one ended > and another one began even with the flashlight. The foundations of the > airship All: What? Tsuneo: Did he really say "the foundations of the airship?" Voice: Yes he did. Rick: Is this guy clueless or what? > shook again, but he was prepared, somewhat. He tripped and > landed flat on his ass. Dan: This happens to him a lot. > "Damn it, get up already!" Cloud ordered, kicking Sono on his behind > as he stood up. > "OUUCH!!" Sono shouted, rubbing the now very sore spot. "I WAS getting > up, stupid ass!!" he remarked, threatening to throw a punch at Cloud. > The ground shook again, so hard that even Red XIII lost his balance. Tsuneo: So... and let me get this right, the *ground* shook, making the people in the *airship* fall over? Rick: It does have a stone floor, remember? Tsuneo: Yeah, I hadn't forgotten. > "Even the weapon used on this ship couldn't give that much shock," Red > observed. > "Yeah yeah whatever," Tifa added, dusting herself off, "let's catch up > with the others!" Rebecca: Even though they're in another part of the ship. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "DAAAMN Barret!!!" Cid shouted, poking the dragon's side with his spear, > "this thing's probably stuffed with lead!!!" > "Heh heh," Barret snickered, "no problem!!!" Rick: Yeah, why does Cid have a prioblem with that? Dan: Maybe he wanted to eat it. > "C'mon you guys!" Yuffie shouted, "let's get going!!!!" Rebecca: [Yuffie] We've done a grand total of nothing in two whole scene changes. > She motioned > them to follow her and Aeris through an endless, winding set of stairs. Dan: Classic dungeon trap number three. Rick: Oh look, they've walked into an M.C. Escher painting. > "Ah shit, I thought I said I'd never see stairs again!!!" Barret whined. > "Too bad," Vincent answered, already flying up the center of the spiral, > "Live with it!!!" All: Show off! > "Shit!!! Come back here damn it!!!" Barret shouted, running over Cait > Sith while trying to catch up with Vincent, "You're just scared of me > Batman!!!" By the 50th step, he was already wheezing, "Shit...*hack* > *gasp* gotta...excersise more...often..." > By the time Barret can almost touch Vincent's foot, he stumbled from a > shock that almost broke the stairs down. All: What? Rick: So they're gonna have to call a stair service technician now? > "Damn it Valentine!!! Get your ass back here!!!" Tsunmeo: Yes, but what about the rest of him? > He held onto the railing and climbed on. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Damn! What the hell di'ja eat Cloud?! Beans, beans, and more beans?" > Sono teased, pinching his nose while his other hand was fanning the air. Dan: We don't need this! Tsuneo: Let's see... This fic has been incoherent, stupid, vague, senseless, confusing and now downright purile. Furby: Beans, beans, the miracle fruit. The more you eat, the more you- Tsuneo: And you're not helping. > "Ah shut up!!!" Cloud answered, "I've seen you eat that and some of that > stuff you call food!!! Is that even food?! Looks more like dog shit to > me!!!!" He caught up with Sono, pretending to punt him in the behind. Rick: I get the feeling this is a permanent fixture in cloud and Sono's relationship. > "Hey!" Sono began fighting Cloud while managing to move down the pathway. > "Even with Barret Cloud isn't this bad..." Red XIII sighed, shaking his > head. "I know what 'cha mean," Tifa added, lightly scratching behind her > feline friend's ear. Rick: It's a dog. Dan: It's a lion. Rick: It's a dog! Dan: It's a lion! Rick: It's a DOG! Dan: It's a LION! Tsuneo: Oh, gods... [Tsuneo and Rebecca each clobber Rick and Dan.] Rebecca: We'll have no more holy wars in this apartment! Dan: Just 'cause you start most of them. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Damn...it...Vin...cent..." Barret gasped, "don't...tell...me...you > can't...walk." Rick: And apparently you can't act. > "I can," Vincent replied, "just that seeing you pissed is the only thing > that really made me smile." With that, a barely visible smile came upon > his face. Rebecca: Especially when he starts singing and tells everyone how much he loves them. > Yuffie dropped her arms over her stomach and laughed until her voice was > hoarse. Dan: Then she started talking like Mr. Ed. Thank you. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "What the hell?!" Cloud asked, looking up while choking Sono. [They all wave signs labelled "Cloud" and chant "Go Cloud!"] > "Get...me...off" Sono begged, Rebecca: Gee, Sono, I never knew! Dan: [Whacks her with a cushion] That's not what he meant! Tsuneo: I'm surprised you can tell. > kicking Cloud out of the way. > "Must be Yuffie," Tifa said. "Hmmm...possibly..." Red XIII pondered, > "she-" > "-does have the biggest mouth out of all of us," Sono interuppted. Rick: Are you sure? Have you taken measurements? > "Excuse me, young man," Red XIII growled, threatening to attack the > youngest group member. Tsuneo: Even younger than Yuffie? Rebecca: Oh gods, not another Uberkid. > "Oops, sorry," Sono apologized, giving a fake laugh. > "Well let's go already!" Cloud announced, racing ahead of the others. Dan: Mainly to get away from Sono. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Vincent looked up into the dark tunnel behind them. Tsuneo: "Looked up into the tunnel behind..." ouch. > "Ya hear that?" Barret asked Cid, looking into the darkness. > "Sounds like someone's coming." Cid said, Rebecca: You can hear their entrance theme. Furby: Hello ladies. > brushing up it spear. Dan: Did this thing go through the babelfish or something? > "Don't worry," Vincent whispered, "it's Cloud." Rick: [Vincent] And his idiot friend. Dan: [Barret] Run away! > "Oh really now is it?" Cait Sith asked while Vincent was walking towards > the door in front of them. > "Hey! Wait for me!!!" Sono called, Rick: [Vincent] Told you, nyah! > making out the features of his friends up ahead. Rebecca: Especially Tifa's *features.* Dan: Come on, Rebecca, not everyone's as dirty-minded as you are. > They finally were one whole team, and they exchanged their battle > stories. Tsuneo: Taking all of five seconds. > They made a line to get through the small door, Barret and > Cait Sith obviously last. > When Cait Sith finally squeezed through, they were stuck in a really > BIG room, with a light bulb as the only source of light. Sono turned > on the flashlight and Red XIII flared his tail. Rick: [Red XIII] Why didn't I think of that before? My bad. > They kept walking in > the same direction, and stopped around the middle of the room. On the > ground was a human with wings. "Who or what is that?" Rebecca: Eve? > Barret wondered, looking over the circle around the figure. > She opened her eyes, finding herself circled around more of them. > Everytime she moved, they backed away. She turned around, staring into > a pair of eyes that the Lord told her to look for. Dan: Read: The voices in her head. > "YOU!" she > screamed, striking her David's Staff at the one with red eyes. Rick: Sorry Vince, you lose. Tsuneo: Could be Sono, but we haven't the faintest what he looks like. > (play BOSS theme) > (Not Yet) The End...? Tsuneo: Play Game Over theme now. [Dan picks up the Furby and throws it hard at the TV set. Contrary to all expectations, it bounces harmlessly off and lands upside-down on the floor.] Rick: It looks evil like that. Tsuneo: Those things are evil anyway. Rebecca: What possessed yoyu to bring that stupid thing along? Dan: Dunno, just thought it would be fun. Little traitor. Rick: Hey, maybe next time he could sit in for you. Voice: So guys, what did you think? Dan: I really don't know what to say. I mean... Well, Yeah. Rebecca: it was pretty much one of the most incoherent pieces of drivel I've ever seen. It didn't make any sense had minimal plot and next to no characterisation. Rick: I want to know what was with that Sonmo guy. I mean, he shows up, trips over, does a kamehamehakimikiwikiwoku and makes some baked beans cracks. That's it. Tsuneo: I'd state this as my primary argument for a harsher video game ratings system. Voicew: O...kay. Dan: But it was fun, in a depraved, stupid kind of way. Rebecca: Dan, have you gone completely nuts? Rick: Well, he did buy a Furby. Rebecca: This is true. Dan: No, really. It could have been a lot worse. Tsuneo: What I want to know is waht woudl a genuine FF7 SI be like? Rick: Tsuneo, you're frightening me. Tsuneo: Hey, maybe that'll be my ticket into AAA. Rebecca: Dream on. [they wander out arguing. After a few second the Furby wobbles and rights itself. It blows a raspberry and waddles off.] [The screen goes blank.] Voice: Everyone's a critic. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAVM conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > (play INN theme now)