Elmer Studios presents... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 123 brings us another unnamed FF7 fic, in which Tifa plays Lara Croft's boobs. Thanks to Mike Surbrook for sending this one to us. Final Fantasy 7 is copyright Squaresoft This fanfic is copyright someone who didn't put their name on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Dan and Rick enter] Dan: So, y'see, I managed to find a new ISP, so my comic's saved for the moment. Rick: I guess that's a good thing. Dan: but I'm still having problems with doing it... I'm finding it hard to think up jokes and do all the art for it. Rick: Your jokes come from crhistmas crackers and the art is wonky stick figures. Dan: Yeah, but they're hard to draw! Rick: Right. [Rebecca and Tsuneo enter] Rebecca: What's up with him? Rick: He can't draw stick figures straight. Tsuneo: Figures. Dan: I was thinking, actually, that there may be a way to keep my webcomic going. Tsuneo: Remind me, why would we want this? Rebecca: It gives him something to do and keeps him off the streets. Tsuneo: Good point. Dan: So I was thinking that I could take a break to work on new material while you guys do guest strips for the week. Rick: In other words, you slack off and we do all the work. Rebecca: That sounds kind of familiar to me, Rick. Rick: Heh. Dan: I mean, come on, think about it! You get to put your own spin on the characters and situations in my comic? What could be cooler? Tsuneo: Do you *really* want an answer? Dan: I mean, what would you write about? Tsuneo: now that you mention it... I reckon I could do a humorous piece based on the space pirate who appeared last week. Dan: Space pirate? Tsuneo: Present it as a sort of "Day in the life." Each panel's got a time on it, and they show various stages of the day. Like "11:20 AM: Business meeting" while she's plundering another ship and hacking up the crew. Rick: Or how about "4 PM, crew morale session" while someone's walking the plank? Tsuneo: Exactly. Rebecca: Well, that could provide a nice counterpoint to what I was thinking of. I was going to use the commando guy in an action piece that would have an ironic twist in the tale, like he ends up blowing up his employer, or destroying the McGuffin he's trying to save. Tsuneo: With lots of excessive gunplay, I suppose. Rebecca: Yes, but I could turn it into cartoony gunplay to better suit the medium. Tsuneo: Maybe you could draw him as looking like Tango. Rebecca: I like that idea... Actually, I think there's some similarities. Rick: Well, I was going to use the talking aardvark in my strip. Except this time he's not talking, but playing on-line RPGs against all the other characters, and venting his lack of opposable thumbs at them by hacking their characters. Everything will be done in on-screen talk, so lots of l33t-speak and bad spelling. Rebecca: I suppose he could get back at the Wrestler guy for all the pranks he's played. Rick: Good idea! Dan: Uh, guys. Rebecca: Not now, we're brainstorming. Dan: There's just one problem. Tsuneo: Which is? Dan: My comic doesn't have a commando, a space pirate, a wrestler and definitely not a talking Anteater. Rick: Aardvark, not Anteater. There's a difference. Dan: Well, it doesn't have one of them either. Rebecca: It doesn't? Tsuneo: That's the impression we got of it. Rick: So, ah, what is it about, anyway? Dan: It's about, it's about... ah... Voice: Good morning. Dan: Thank goodness, saved by MetalEtamon. Voice: Metal... Oh, never mind. Dan: Can we hurry this up? Voice: Come again? Dan: You know, get on with it. Voice: Well... Okay. Our fic for today is- Dan: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Turn on the TV, let's go. [They sit - Dan & Rick facing the TV, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the sideways couch] Voice: But- Dan: Never mind! [The TV switches on] > Episode I > Emptiness. How long has it been? It seems like eternality yet I know it is Rick: Canberra. Tsuneo: Eternality? > not. Loneliness. Drifting in this barren dreamscape. Tsuneo: Moving downwake through the devachanic realm at a speed of twenty five dreams per second. > I seem to be the only consciousness in this region. Rebecca: Dialogue by Sike Speigel. > Lifestream, that seems so familiar. Am I dead, or alive? Tsuneo: Two. Rick: Hardcore edition. Dan: Mmm.... Kasumi... > ***** > A young man with a large, lethal sword strapped on his slim back, cut a > dashing figure against the red skies of Cosmo Canyon. Rick: Dick Saucer! > A huge mess of blood and gore lay before him. Rick: ...Or not. Rebecca: Maybe it's Grignr. Tsuneo: No, if it was Grignr, we'd still be on the first sentence. > He fingered the few hundred gil in his hands, "It's > getting harder to earn money nowadays. Must be the economic crisis affecting > the Cosmoyans. Rebecca: "Cosmoyans?" Is that even a real word? Rick: Does he mean as in "Cosmo Canyon?" Dan: Either that or a nation of Kramers. Tsuneo: I guess that means we're watching an FF7 fic. > I used to earn much more doing these extermination jobs. Red > can't pay me much , Rick: He can pay in fleas. Dan: I guess that's what a Flea Market's for. > but still how's a cool dude like me going to survive on > this cash?" Rebecca: The story of the One.Net dude's life. > Cloud Strife sighed loudly. Tsuneo: That dialogue was coming from Cloud? Rebecca: I guess he has to get off "..." some day. Dan: Maybe he's just channelling the Ninja Turtles. > Working as a mercenary had its pros and cons. On > the plus side, his hours were flexible, he could do whatever he wanted, he > enjoyed fighting and got to show off his Ultima weapon to babes. Dan [Cloud]: Hey, babe, want to try my *Ultima Weapon?* [Rebecca casually hits him with a cushion] > But on the > downside, with the economic turndown and the collapse of the Shinra empire, Rick: It was overrun by Goths, Huns, Vandals and Middle Management. Tsuneo: Well getting blown up can really hurt a company. > he got much less jobs and the jobs he was given gave only measly pay. Dan: [Cloud] I like to say I'm, a freelancer, but all that really means is I'm self-employed. > Besides, he was a bit sick of the violence and bloodiness and girls seemed > to like the new age sensitive man nowadays. Rebecca: I guess that only leaves Vincent. > He lay on the dusty ground and stared at the sparkling stars in the sky. Rick: [Cloud] I am so lost. > "Wonder how the others are now." It had been three years since that fateful > day he killed Sephiroth with his Omni-slash. Tsuneo: And he hasn't shut up about it since. > "Three years......" Barret was > now the mayor of North Corel, doing a darn good job as seem from the last > time he was there Dan [Barret]: Yo gonna pass this @#$%ing bill or else I gonna bust a cap in yo @#$%, foo! > Cid was still working on his rocket in Rocket town, Dan: Didn't his rocket blow up? Rick: He's building a new one out of household goods. > married to Shera, two kids and as last seen, another one on the way. Rebecca: Cid Jr, Cid III and Cidette. > Cait > Sith aka Reeve had taken over the Golden Saucer and was earning big bucks at > his new casino. Rick: Ask yourself, would you go to a casino run by a huge stuffed moogle? Dan: At least you can see where his hands are at all times. > "How ironic that people still gamble so fervently in times > of economic crisis." Tsuneo: Actually, Economic crises tend to encourage gambling. > Cloud shook his head piously. Yuffie had blossomed into > a beautiful woman Rebecca [Snorts derisively]: Yeah, right. > and opened a ninja school in Wutai. Rick: Can she teach people self-decapitation? Dan: Not only that, it also covers leaping backwards into trees and talking without moving your lips! > "Sure she still steals > as a side job" Cloud half smirked, half-rued over his loss of 10000 gil to > her the last time he saw her. Tsuneo: She ripped him of in a nice way, so that's fine. > Vincent had returned to Shinra mansion after > the great battle, intending to find a way within the mysterious records and > books of the lost library to revive his Lucercia. Rick: So far he hasn't had any luck. All he's found is eighties Marvel back issues. Dan: Mmmm... Dazzler... > Tifa was now a movie star > after she shot to stardom acting in the Tomb Raider movie series. Rick: Tifa as Lara Croft makes sense to me. Her polygons are big enough for the part. [Dan hits him with a cushion] > "Wonder if she'll remember good old me." > Cloud sat up. "If I travel tonight non-stop, I should be able to get to > Golden Saucer by tomorrow morning. Maybe win a few bucks or two." He strided > over to his bike, a Shinra product Tsuneo: Shinra! We own your ass! > and took out his keys. His wallet dropped > out of his pocket and fell open. Inside was a well-weathered photograph of a > serene smiling girl with long flowing light brown hair with a ridiculous big > pink ribbon. Rick: Why he was carrying a picture of Mimi Tachikawa is anyone's guess. > Accompanying the photograph was Rebecca: The Israeli Philharmonic Orchestra. Tsuneo: They were hell to get in his pocket. > a small pressed flower. Dan: Along with a pressed flowerpot. > He touched the photograph tenderly and smiled sadly. "Aeris." > ***** > Somewhere in Costa Del Sol. Rick: The last city left standing. > "Cut! It'ez all wrong, it'ez all wrong" The director screamed, his arms > flailing around wildly. Dan: He's doing the Frug! > "What now?" The cool girl dangling at the end of the > rope shouted back, annoyed. Rick: You think she's annoyed, how do you think the piranha down the bottom are feeling? Dan: They don't use real piranhas in those films. Rick: These are specially trained stunt piranhas. It's one of the reasons why "Waterworld" was so long in production. > She swung herself and executed a perfect > somersault in the air before landing gracefully on the ground. All: Oooh... ahhhh... Rebecca: Not bad balance, considering how top-heavy she is. > "Tifa > darling, remember you are supposed to be Lara Croft! Be more feline, sexual > and svelte! Rick [Director]: And above all else, put on a silly fake British accent! > Understand" The director rolled his eyes up in seemingly agony. Dan: How could she not? > Tifa stared nonchalantly at him. "You know what? I quit!" She turned, her > shiny dark brown hair bouncing behind her. Dan: That wasn't all that was bouncing. [Rebecca hits him on the back of his head with her metal arm.] > She strode purposefully to her dressing room. Rick: The best thing about Tifa as Lara is that she doesn't need to get changed to be in costume. > She took out a few things and threw it in to a large duffel > bag and walked to a sports car, a flaming red Ferrari. Tsuneo: I guess in the FF7 world it'd look like a 1930's racer with lots of extra pipes on it. > "No, Tifa, come back! > " The now panicking director wailed, well, wailfully. The assistant director > patted him on the back, Rick: [Asst. Director] It's just your standard hissy fit. All stars have them. > "Don't worry, she'll be back. She's just off on one > of her journeys again." The director could only cry pitifully as the red > Ferrari sped off in a cloud of dust. "But that's my Ferrari......" > Tifa switched on her car stereo and was rewarded with a pumping song by > offspring. Tsuneo: If it isn't bad enough that he's mixing the real world with the game world, he has to shove his musical tastes down our throats. > "COME OUT AND PLAY!" The radio blasted. > Three years it has been since that day. Seventeen Tomb Raider movies. Rick: One co-starring David Duchovny. Tsuneo: Accck! Rebecca: Actually, the last twelve were made up of re-arranged stock from the first five. Nobody noticed. > And > nothing else. "Can't people get enough of a cybergal who doesn't even exist > in real life" Rebecca: Judging by how far Edios have milked that licence, no. > Tifa grumbled. She was a great movie star and the public loved > her as the adventurous gal who raids tombs in a small tight white singlet > and even smaller, tighter brown shorts. Dan: And then sometimes they thought of her as Lara Croft. > She had tried getting roles in > British epics such as Jane Austen movies but the casting people kept telling > her, Tsuneo: Who is Jane Austin? And what's British? Rebecca: Somehow, I just can't buy Tifa in a Jane Austin movie. Rick: Maybe in Tsui Hark's forthcoming remake; "Pride and Extreme Prejudice". > you are Lara Croft and no one else!" She thought of the blowup at the > movie set today. Well, this time, she was never going back ever. Rick: Or at least until L. Ron Hubbard calls up asking for more money. > She had > made a lot of gil out of the tomb raider movies. With wise investments here > and there, she had earned enough to have a comfortable living. Dan: She'd moved out of the slums to a nice, two room hovel in the country. > She had > studied on and off these three years and had earned a MBA. Tsuneo: She foudn it in the bottom of a cereal box. > Perhaps I should start a business on my own. Rebecca: [Tifa] Okay, I can act and I can beat up monsters. What kind of business could I run? > Meanwhile I shall go to the Golden Saucer to > check on my 45% share there and make sure Cait Sith is not ripping me off. Tsuneo: Whoah! Sudden change of perspective there! > "The next song always reminds me of flying in the clouds. "My heart will go > on"!" The radio announcer, well, announced. "Oh no, not this stupid song > again!" All: We agree. Dan: Mmmm... Kate Winslett's body double... > Tifa reached over to change stations when a line from the song > caught her ear. " Near, far, wherever you are, that my heart will always go > on." Tifa stopped the car and stared at the sky. "Cloud. Where are you now?" Rick [Cloud]: Back in a different scene, bumming aorund on a beach. > After that great battle, each of them had gone their separate ways. She had > wandered around with Cloud at first. She was sure her feelings for him were > clear to him but he always avoided the subject. Rebecca [Tifa]: So. Tsuneo [Cloud]: So. Rebecca [Tifa]: Cloud, about that night, when we were young and you said you'd always be there for me... Tsuneo [Cloud]: Oh, look, is that the time? I've got a train to catch. > He had changed since Sephiroth died. Tsuneo: He's been wearing black and hanging around with strange people. Rick: And if Godhand Mishima isn't strange, nobody is. > He used to be dark, brooding and hardly spoke a word. He was > also quite dense and was easily embarrassed. His eyes, the eerie sky blue > colour due to him being Rick: -Exposed to the Spice, Melange. > infused with mako energy, was always a bottomless > pool of emptiness. But since Sephiroth died, his eyes were now alive, even > jovial. It was as if a great load had been lifted off his shoulders. Dan [Cloud]: World's safe, arch-baddie's dead, it's time for me to part-ay! > Cloud > had become more open and could even joked. He even started flirting. Rebecca [Tifa]: And then he started hanging out with that tramp, Rinoa. > Tifa > smiled at the thought of good old shy Cloud flirting. But in a sense, he > never opened himself up to anyone still. He never revealed himself. Yet, > under that grinning crazy exterior, Rick: Was the tortured soul of an artist. Dan: And a gooey caramel centre. > she could sometimes catch a tinge of > sadness in his pale blue eyes. Tsuneo: It was probably him trying to be in character. > She loved him but he never seemed to recognize it. Rick: Give him a big sword. That should get his attention. Dan: Failing that, take off your shirt. No way he could miss that. > But still, during those days she was with him, she was just > contented to have his company. Until one day, she caught him with that > photograph in his hand, smiling to himself. Dan: You don't want to know about his other hand. [Rebecca hits him again.] > "Aeris, he still loves her." > Aeris was dead but her spirit still lingers on in Cloud's heart. Rebecca: First one to start with that song dies. You all understand? [Dan, Rick and Tsuneo nod frantically] > She tried > to make Cloud forget Aeris but failed to do so. Tsuneo: She tried delicate treatment involving a sledgehammer. > Hence she decided to leave > Cloud and lead a life on her own. Then she was spotted and the Tomb Raider > movies came. Rick: And the world has suffered ever since. > Suddenly, she heard a shuffling sound behind her. Rebecca: And a strange, haunting tune. Rick: If she's in a Ferrari, then it must be shuffling very fast. > She turned and behold, was > a small monster, a slimy black verocious looking creature otherwise known as > a Beach Plug. Dan: [Beach Plug] Whoops, hey... Don't mind me, just going about my business. > Tifa snatched her Premium Heart glove and threw a powerful > punch and a flying kick. Dan: [Beach Plug] Yow! What'd I do to you? > The Beach plug groaned but still survived and even > swiped viciously at her. Tifa jumped back in surprise. She used to be able > to kill these creatures easily with a single blow without breaking a sweat. > She took out her fire materia and concentrated, "FIRE 2!" She shouted. Rebecca: I've allways wondered if people in FF games feel silly shouting spells like "Fire2" or "Bolt3". Rick: It was worse in FF1, where all they had was four letters. I mean, how are people meant to respect you when you cast the spell "XXXX"? > A red aura surrounded her and gathered into a fiery ball and zoomed towards > the beach plug, engulfing it in fire. Rick: Why does she have weapons and materia with her on a movie set? Tsuneo: Its for when the studio execs come by asking about the budget. > The black plug, well, turned blacker and died a very hot death. Rebecca: Crispy critter! Dan: [Beach Plug] Should'a stayed in bed. > Tifa wiped her forehead and examined the carcass. > Two potions and 300 gil. Tsuneo: Why is a squid-thing carrying cash? Rick: Because they don't take Amex at Costa Del Sol. Tsuneo: Well that makes... huh? > Haven't used such potions for a long time now. Rick: Looks like the player dumped all the healing materia on one character. Dan: I do that all the time. > Hmm.. The monsters seem to be reviving and becoming stronger. Ever since the > Mako reactors were closed down, the monsters had dwindled in number and > became weaker. Dan: They were planning to hold a reunion tour, but Poodler Sample backed out at the last minute. Rick: You said Poodler Sample. Dan: Damn. > But the monsters had become more aggressive lately. > Something is very wrong,. Tifa thought. Tsuneo: Cloud's been OOC for three years and you've only realised it now? > She stared at the clouds in the sky > ( Am I crazy or have I been seeing Cloud's name appear everywhere. Tifa > thought. ) Tsuneo: Crazy. Rick: Nuts. Dan: Loopy. Rebecca: Totally gone. > It wasn't safe to travel alone in the open. Rick: It was, however, safe to travel alone indoors. > She jumped into her car Dan: *Ahem!* Rick: [Narrator] Okay, into the highly effeminate director's car. > and switched on the ignition. Better go to the Golden Saucer and talk to > Cait Sith about it. Tsuneo: You're asking for advice form Cait Sith? Boy, you are in trouble. > Got to get the others there too. > ***** > Cid Highwind admired the stainless steel tower that stood gleaming in the > sun. Rebecca: I think someone's compensating. > "Ah, my lovely rocket. Soon I will be able to reach the stars again. > What should I call this miracle of science? I know.... Dan: [Cid] Number 27! Tsuneo: What ever happened to imagination? > SHERA!!!" Cid blushed > to himself. "What the #%&*@! I'm getting all sentimental here! Damnit!" > "Daddy!" A small boy came running to Cid. "Yes, Cid Jr?" Dan: Cid bred? The world is doomed. Rick: #$%&@ yeah. > "Mom asked you to go back, there's a call for you. Rick: The Royal Honiamase space force want their rocket back. > Mom's getting really angry because it was a > girl!!!!" "What the @#%$! Damnit!! Betta go back and pacify her!" "Yes, > Daddy, or else you will get @#$&%&!" Cid Jr grinned. Cid jumped, "Where did > you learned that word? Now don't use that word again or else I'll give you > @#$%! Oops!" Dan: Well Ampersand percentile dollar sign you! Rick: Now imagine if it was in FF2 talk. > Cid smacked his own mouth. "Come, let's go back." Rick: [Cid] Now you be a good little munchkin, marry a sorceress and build a free-range university. > Cid opened the door to his cottage quietly, hoping to escape the....." Who's > that girl! Why are you getting phone calls from strange young women?!!!" > Shera roared. Rick: Wow, even the supporting cast is OOC. Dan: Now imagine if she'd been like this in the game. Tsuneo [Cid]: Get out of there! I'm gonna @#$! blast off! Rebecca [Shera]: NO YOU WILL NOT! You're not going anywhere until I fix this tank, young man. Tsuneo [Cid, meek]: Yes... > "Shera, listen to..." " Who is IT!" Rebecca: A.o.D. Tsuneo: You should have never hung around those people. > " I don't know!" That moment, the phone rang. > "Ring, ring." Rick: At least the phone's IC. > "I'll go and pick up the phone?" Shera nodded angrily. Cid > walked slowly to the phone. What had happened to the sweet, gentle Shera he > had known before? Tsuneo: Being married to Cid for three years? Rebecca: That'd change anyone. > She used to be so docile and hung on my every word, but > now, sigh. Women, they change once they get what they want. Cid thought. Rebecca: Fortunately, Dan, you'll never have to worry about that. Dan: Damn stra... Heyyyyy... > He picked up the phone. > "Umm, Cid?" A distinctly feminine voice spoke. > "Speaking." He said, feeling Shera's unwavering eyes staring daggers on his > back. Tsuneo [Cid]: E tu, Shera? > "This is Tifa. How have you been!" > Tifa?!!! " Oh hi, Tifa. What's up?" > " I need to discuss some things with the whole gang, can you come to the > Golden Saucer? Maybe tomorrow?" Tsuneo: Should be easy, it's only half a continent away. Rick: The cab fare's going to be murder though. > " Yah sure, do me a favor?" > "What?" > "Talk to Shera." > "Okay." > Cid passed the phone to Shera who took it suspiciously. Rebecca [Shera]: Is this phone clean, young man? Dan [Cid, meek]: Yes. > He walked to his bedroom and started packing. Rick [Cid]: Goggles... cigars... mop of the ancients... > "Oh it's you, Tifa! Long time no see! Have > you...yak...yak...yak" Rebecca [Tifa]: Yes, I'm eating well. No, I'm not seeing nay strange men. Yes, I do have clean underpants and I am brushing regularly. > Cid took his small bag and said. "Umm, Shera, I'll be > out of town for a few days." Dan: He's going to hang out with Cid, Cid, Cid and Cid. > Shera merely nodded and went on yakking away. > She didn't even say anything. Cid thought. It would be good for my soul to > be away for a while. "Shera, ummm, bye." He stood there, watching for any > reaction. Tsuneo: I think her brain switched off a few minutes back. > There was none. Cid sighed and walked to the Tiny Bronco II. He > looked back. "Women." Rebecca: Mutter groumble stereotyped behaviour mutter. > ***** > A tall big dark man Tsuneo: A tall big dark man? Aren't we being a little redundant? > stood at the window, looking at the city before him. > Barret smiled. Just three years ago, North Corel was just a dirty slum whose > residents lived in poverty. Now, it was Rick: A nice, neat, clean slum. > the new industrial city, Dan: And all thanks to the miracles of steam! > citizens led successful lives and live in comfort. Tsuneo: Unfortunately, Gold Saucer still dumps all it's rubbish on the town. Rick [Cait Sith]: And that's for dumping me with all the crappy materia and using me as your reserve party member of last resort! Rebecca: So what did they do with all the prisoners that were running the place before? Dan: Barret gave them jobs as his personal staff. > If only not for the economic > crisis, Barret was sure that North Corel would break the record for economic > growth. Tsuneo: You mean other towns have gone from smear on the landscape to urban paradise faster? > Well, you can't have everything. > He stood there admiring what he had built. "Mayor Wallace?" Barret spinned > around. Tsuneo: Is "spinned" even a word? > "Yes?" "Your call, sir." Barret nodded and picked up the phone. > "Mayor Wallace speaking." > "Tifa here. How are you." Dan [Barret]: I got my hand stuck in a peanut butter jar. Rebecca [Tifa]: Well use your other hand to pull it off. Dan [Barret]: It's my left hand! > "Oh hi, Tifa," It was Tifa. He had not heard from her for a long time. > "Emergency, Barret. Rick: Quick! To the Barretcave! > Can you get to the Golden Saucer and meet me and the > others tomorrow?" > "Yep, sure. I'll come." Rick [Barret]: I mean, it's just behind me. > "Okay, I've got to contact some others. See ya!" Click! > Barret looked at the dead phone in his hand. Rick [Barret]: Wasn't me, officer! I came in here and found the phone like this. > It had been three years. He wondered what had happened. Tsuneo: Everyone had gone OOC. > He stared at his beer belly. That was what three > years of inactivity did to you. He walked over to his desk and opened the > drawer. Inside was a gun. Dan: He's going to do the honourable thing. > He took it out and blew the dust off it. " Haven't > used this baby in a long time . He screwed on the gun on his right hand. He > turned around and aimed at the wall. "BLAST!!" There, he had a new doorway > in his office. Hmm, no need to waste money to get a contractor. Tsuneo: You do realise that was a load-bearing wall. Rick: Barret Wallace is John Cleese in Fawlty Towers II: After the Armageddon. > ***** > The students sat transfixed in the meditation hall. Young and old, rich and > poor, Tsuneo: Yetis and Moogles. > they had all came to listen to the teachings of Bugenhagen. The > intoxicating scent of incense filled the air. Rick: They all must be totally stoned off their faces. Rebecca [Student]: Wow, this Buggenhagen dude's got some seriously good weed. Dan [Buggenhagen]: Yeah, man. Dig it. > "That's all for today." A > strangely feline voice growled. "Yes, master Red." the students said in > unison and slowly filed out of the room. Rick: And don't forget, the observatory needs a new dome. Leave all donations in the box by the door. > Red surveyed the room until it was empty. He smiled and pressed a small > remote control concealed in his robes. Dan: Red's wearing robes? How does he put them on? Rick: Best not to think about it. > A computer suddenly appeared in front > of him. " Yes finally , I get to play diablo on line!!!" Tsuneo: Question: How does he use a mouse or keyboard? Rick: Best not to think about that either. > After all, he was > still a young hip teenager in terms of feline years. Dan: Dog years. Rick: Lion years. Rebecca: They do this every time. > As he started > connecting to the server, "Beep, you have new mail." Red growled irritably. > More junk mail. Geez, don't those jerks ever stop? Let me see who you are > and I'll nuke you!! Ha! Ha! Ha! Red grinned evilly. He scanned the list of > new mail. "Forward from Chrono, you're dead. Rick [Red]: You too. Tsuneo [Chrono]: Yeah, rub it in, why don't you? > Forward from Edgar, you're dead. Forward from Dan [Cyan]: Thou art dead. > ..blah...blah..blah, hey, what's this? Email from Tifa?" > Hey, I loved those Tomb Raider movies! Tsuneo: He claims he goes and sees them for the plot. > Red thought. He opened the mail. > "Dear Red, Rebecca [Tifa]: You're dead. > Hope all is well at Cosmo Canyon. I'm now at Golden Saucer and I'm getting > the gang to meet here. Something is very wrong and I need to discuss some > important matters. Please meet us at Golden Saucer tomorrow. Hope to see you > there. Tsuneo: That's not too hard an ask. I mean, it's ony a few hundred kilometers by foot... > Love, Tifa. ;P " > Red pondered thoughtfully. What had happened? Rick: Stuff. > He stretched on his couch and > adopted a serious pose. "I shall arrange for someone else to take the > classes." Tsuneo: He'll leave cousin Django in charge. > He said to no one in particular. He was worried about leaving > Cosmo Canyon in the hands of others. After all, he was the protector of > Cosmo Canyon and it was his responsibility to take care of them. Dan: That is, until the divorce papers come through. > But on the > other hand, he was last of his kind and could not protect them forever. Dan: Even guardian lions need a day off. Rick: Guardian dogs. Tsuneo: This too... > They would just have to learn and not depend on him forever. > He typed a small note of his intentions and mass mailed to the Cosmoyans. > Then he took off his robes and put on a DKNY T-shirt. Rebecca: Insert product placement here... > Then, he threw a few > potions, remedies and ethers into a Stussy bag and wore his clip.( Weapon > Clip, not the hair clip!!!) He wore his Nike shoes with his paws and stood > up. Things were much easier since he learnt how to walk on just two feet Tsuneo: Except that the structure of his legs would make walking on only two of them just about impossible. That and his front legs end with paws, not fingers, so he couldn't manipulate objects with them. Rick: Tsuneo, are you thinking about it? Tsuneo: ...Sorry. > He > took his trusty laptop and handphone and Cosmo Express Credit card. (Never > leave home without it.) Rebecca: Cosomo Express: Accepted virtually nowhere. > He walked down the hill. "It has been a long time > since I ran freely on my own." He smiled serenely, got down on all fours and > ran in to the dusty desert. Rick: He'd just missed the last bus, y'see. > ***** > Yuffie Kusaragi scrutinized the hard training ninja wannabes in the training > room. "Ummm, wonder how much money I can fleece out of them this time." Rebecca [Yuffie]: That's right, you too can become a NINJA MASTER in just 10 DAYS! Call now and send cash. > Life was certainly boring nowadays that Shinra had been overthrown. She > wanted more action, more money, more excitement and maybe a little romance > in her life. Dan: She could be Tifa's stunt double. > After all, she was eighteen, rich, beautiful and proclaimed a > babe by Cloud the last time he saw her. Tsuneo: Yeah, but remember that Cloud's also got lots of problems. > She smiled at the thought of the 10000 gil stolen from him. Rick: It'd go a long way to explaining why Cloud's broke. > He didn't even know that she had stole right > under his nose and he was supposed to be the greatest warrior now that > Sephiroth was dead. Tsuneo: Punctuate, man, punctuate! > Sigh, she always thought that Sephy was kinda cute in > the cool sort of way. But hey, that was just a fifteen year old school girl > crush on him and he was long dead and buried. Rick: Diced into a billion pieces and beginning to smell. > But Cloud, now that was a different matter. Rebecca: He was kind of the same, only shorter. Oh yeah, and alive. > He had changed after the battle. He was no longer dowdy > and stuffy but a bonafide cool and cute hunk. He had often visited her and > joked with her. Rick: And spent time kicking the crap out of her students. Tsuneo: The guy with the dog was a real pest, though. > She wondered if he had anything going on with Tifa, but he > just laughed it off with that sexy husky voice of his whenever she mentioned > it. Dan: They're doing it. You can tell. > Lately, she had been becoming more self-conscious around him. Gosh, I > think I'm going mad. She thought happily. Tsuneo: If you're happy that you're going mad, you may already be there. Rebecca: [Yuffie] But if I think I'm insane, does that mean I'm not, because a really insane person wouldn't know they are? Tsuneo: No - you are! > "YUFFIE! Why are you standing there with that goofy grin and blushing?!! Dan: It may have something to do with that full-length mirror. > SNAP OOUT OF IT! Oh by the way, you have speed mail from Fed Express." Rick: Damn, this must be the all product placement special. Tsuneo: Funny thing is, it's a volleyball with a face drawn on it. > Godo > shouted across the room. Yuffie's cheeks burned with embarrassment. Dad > always does that to me! Dan: That and his turning into a three-headed ogre. Gets real dull after a while. > No wonder I still don't have a boyfriend and... he > still hasn't got a new wife!!! Rebecca: Question: Would you want Yuffie as your stepdaughter? Tsuneo: No sane person would. > Yuffie thought spitefully. She took the > letter and sliced it open with her shuriken. It was from.... Rick: The IRS. Dan: Vincent. Tsuneo: Both members of her fan club. Rebecca: Cloud's lawyers. > Yet you got it, Tifa. > " Dear Yuffie, > The gang are meeting at Golden Saucer tomorrow. Rebecca [Tifa]: I'm getting the band back together. > Please come, it's important. Rick: This message will self-destruct in five seconds. > Love Tifa. " > TIFA? Her love rival?!!! Dan: You can tell she's serious because of all the exclamation points she uses. > Yuffie knocked her head, "Don't be spastic, you are > really getting crazy!" Yuffie said to herself. Hmmm, t ha sounded important. > It was a good chance for her to take a vacation, Rebecca: [Yuffie] Or to pitch Tifa off a really high place! > after all, she had been > working nonstop for a few months. She threw a few shurikens and a few tents > in her knapsack Rick: This has allways bugged me. Why are tents only one use objects in Final Fantasy games? Dan: The characters always buy the cheapest ones they can. > and walked to her dad's room. "Dad, I'm leaving town for a > few days." Godo grunted and nodded. She turned and started walking out. It > will be good to see Cloud again. She smiled blissfully. Rebecca: Aack... Sugar rising... Can't take it... > "Umm, Yuffie?" Godo > grunted. Yuffie turned around in surprise. "Yes?" "Stop walking around with > that stupid grin on your face. You look Ridiculous! And do remember to steal > some more materia!!" Dan: [Godo] And beer. We're out of beer. > "GRrrrrr...oh DAD!!!!!" Rick: It's the adventures of a cute little ninja and her deadbeat, three-headed ogre dad. Coming to Cartoon network this spring. > ***** > At the golden saucer, Tifa and Cait Sith walked together. "I could not get > Cloud. Apparently, his pager and handphone subscription had been cancelled. > He must be broke again." Rick: Lousy bum. I bet he's spending all his time hanging around on beaches and hacking monsters while collecting unemployment benefits. > Reeve said. > Tifa nodded unsurprised. "Vincent said he will be coming down, seems that he > has found out something important. Rick [Vincent]: Soylent green is made from people! Rebecca [Tifa]: I know that. Rick [Vincent]: Fine. I'm going back home. > He said it was highly confidential and > would only revealed it o us when he gets here." Dan: Mostly because he wants to make a dramatic entrance. > "The others are coming, I managed to call them." Tifa replied. She felt a > tinge of disappointment that Cloud was not coming. "So the monsters are > coming back." > "Yep, sightings of Emerald and Ruby weapons reviving have been reported." Rebecca: And the next three chapters will consist of "summoned Knights of the Round, repeat." Tsuneo: Hang on, if Spehiroth and Jenova are dead, why have the Weapons revived? Rick: They were bored and had nothing better to do. > "We will have to discuss this with the others." Tifa replied. Rick: We'll form a committee and set up subcommittees to discuss the various approaches to dealing with the discussion of the problem. Rebecca: If all else fails, they'll just call on Gamera. > They walked on in silence for quite a while. Reeve looked quite jumpy. Dan: [Reeve] OhyeahI'mfinehereeverything'sgoingfinewe'vedonesomereallygreatworkwith theplaceespeciallythenewcaffeteriaImeantheyservethebestcoffeethereIdrinkthreecupsan hourdoyouwantsome? > Apparently, he had lost some money in the casino and also a portion, nope, a > HUGE portion of Tifa's investment. Rick: Maybe he should move to Majorca. > So far so good, Tifa had not mentioned this matter to him yet. > "SO , Reeve?" "Yesss.... " Reeve stammered. "So how's my gil going???" Dan: [Reeve] It's fine! In fact, I'll just go and get it. Tsuneo: He was never seen again. Rick: Tell her the moogle embezzled it. > "Damnit," Reeve's thoughts, "I'm dead." > ***** > I know I'm in the lifestream. Rick: Twenty says this is Aeris. > But I can't remember anything else. Dan: And that's what he's going to tell the cops when they show up. > I feel tenderness about me. A calming presence fills my mind. Rick: I'm floating in a fuzzy pink cloud. > I see warm eyes > looking at me and kind hands on my face. Is it my mother? Now I see a man > with a large gleaming blade and spiky blond hair driving his sword through a > person in black with long flowing silver white hair. That is just a image, > but why does it seem so real to me? It has been hunting me for quite some > time now. Help me... > Sephiroth opened his eyes. [Pause] Tsuneo: So Sephiroth's alive. Rebecca: Yep. Tsuneo: I suppose this means that Aeris will be coming back too, Rebecca: Probably. Tsuneo: Tell me, are we at all surprised? Rebecca: Not at all. Dan: You owe me twenty, Rick: Aw, nutbunnies. > ***** > End of Episode I [The TV switches off] Tsuneo: So voice, what was that fic called anyway? Voice: Uhm... Rick: And just who wrote it? Voice: So, how about those reviews? Dan: You're blocking, Voice. Voice: Like you can talk. Dan: You know, I was amazed at just how many product names and such he managed to cram into this fic. You had Tomb Raider, Ferrari, Red's way kewl gear, and so on, and it wasn't even appropriate. I mean, this ain't the real world, so why bring real world brand names into it? It's almost like he was trying to get paid for product placements or something. Tsuneo: I'm trying to think what future chapters of this fic will look like, and to be honest, it's pretty bleak. Not only do we have everyone split up and changed, but we've got Sephiroth coming back from the dead. My, what a shockingly original development that was. This chapter was only a set up, but it dragged on and served only to warn me away from future chapters. Rebecca: Was anyone in character? No. Was anyone even repotely approaching in character? No. Was there even much characterisation? Not really. Everyone had been reduced to a rather one-dimensional parody of themselves. Cloud and Red are wannabe-cool, Yuffie a giggling idiot and Cid a henpecked husband. It was a pretty poor effort at writing them, and very little effort was made to get into their new characters. Rick: Even if he has learnt to walk upright, I want to know how Red's manipulating things. I mean, he's got big lion-like- Dan: Dog like. Rick: Whatever-like paws with chunky claws on them. No fingers, no thumbs. Also, he has dog- Dan: Lion- Rick: Whatever-like hind legs, so he probably couldn't walk upright to begin with. And does he wear running shoes on all his feet or just the back ones? I want to know these things. Tsuneo: Rick, that was worryingly Tango-like. Rick: I just wanted to know, that's all. [Dan stands] Dan: So if you could all send me your strips as soon as they're done, I'll put them up on the page. See you all next time. [He runs out the door.] Rebecca: So... we never did find out what it was about, did we? Tsuneo: Nope. Rick: I think we may be better off not knowing. Rebecca: You know, I'm almost tempted to send mine in, just so I can subvert whatever passes for his comic's story and characters. Rick: That's cruel. Tsuneo: Sounds fun. Rick: Mine will be better. Tsuneo: We'll see about that. [They get up and leave. The screen goes blank] Voice: But I liked the Talking aardvark! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Jinas (jinas@elmerstudios.com) Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1999-2001 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1999-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.elmerstudios.com All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova Satori shrine, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp, all in one big steaming pile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- > "What the @#%$! Damnit!! Betta go back and pacify her!"