Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And now, a special event. Our twentieth MSTing - Villain's night! Taking on 'The Eternal Struggle,' a fanfic so wrong, it can't be comprehended. Special thanks to Matthew Goodbar for agreeing to be one of the greatest villains I've ever run. The Eternal Struggle is copyright Sir T. Magus who might, judging by this fic, have once heard of FF7 in passing. Final Fantasy 7 is copyright 1997-1998 Squaresoft Inc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [The front door opens and a woman walks in. She is tall, attractive in a rugged way, and has a good figure and a strong build. She has long, scruffy brown hair tied back into a ponytail and brown eyes. She wears combat boots, fatigue pants, a t-shirt and a loose jacket, topped up with fingerless gloves and a bandaid over her nose.] Woman: [Grinning] So this is the dive, huh? [A man follows her in. He is a tall, heavily built asian man with very short black hair. He has several scars on his forehead and face. He is wearing what looks like a black version of a confederate army uniform.] Man: Yes ma'am, this seems to be the place. Woman: Great. They should be here soon... [Sher spots the fridge and heads over to it. She searches through it to eventually come up with a bottle of beer.] Woman: Want one, Taekwon? Taekwon: Sure. [She hands him a second bottle.] [The door opens and a third person enters. He is a tall, lean man, handsome and exotic looking. He has pointed ears and a long, ginger- furred tail that snakes behind him. He has short ginger hair and slitted green eyes, and is wearing combat pants and boots, a singlet, and a thick bomber jacket.] Woman: You're late, Terin. Terin: Well sorry. Taekwon: [Pulls out huge norking pistol] Watch it, D-bee. Terin: Whoah, hey! We're all on the same side here. Woman: Superficially. Terin: Wow. I like you too. Taekwon: Remmon should be here any minute now. Woman: I thought he was with you, Terin. Terin: Nope. Must've gotten held up. [The door opens again and another man enters the flat. He is tall, handsome, with a lean yet well-muscled build, long black hair tied in a ponytail and a goatee beard. He is wearing a plain t-shirt and jeans, and has a clearly obvious holster on his hip.] Man: Hey, guys. What's happening? Taekwon: [Turns gun on him] Who in hell are you? Man: Remmon couldn't make it, so I'm here for him. Terin: What happened? Man: He has to clean his tank. [Scene change: A large hanger bay. A tall man in a khaki uniform with short blond hair is holding a bucket and a wiper. In front of him is a HUGE black tank sprouting guns and missiles from all avalible surfaces. He shrugs, and starts washing the tank.] [Scene change: The apartment] Woman: That could take years. Voice: Er... What are you doing here? Taekwon: [Spins around, pointing his pistol.] Who was that? Woman: You must be the boss I've heard about? Terin: Oh, the 'great big head in the sky?' Voice: I suppose... Man: Right. Whatever. Voice: Aahh... Do you mind if I ask who you are? All: Well... I'm... You see... Voice: One at a time! [They all look around, then the man shrugs.] Man: Well, my name's Matt Brady. I'm a mercenary pilot from a campaign set in the late 21st century and... Well, I'm here because Remmon asked me to cover for him. Oh yeah, and I lead a kick-ass gang of mercs called 'The Wild Bunch.' Woman: Hmm... maybe you aren't so bad after all. Well, I'm Dan's Sister. Basically, I'm a self-serving mercenary, with an artificial right leg, an evil twin brother, a world-domination agenda and a secret identity so secret that even I don't know it. But I'm still a heck of a nice gal. Matt: Wow. I thought my bunch had problems. Terin: Don't you have a proper name? Dan's Sister [DS]: [Shrugs] Terin: As you might have guessed by now, I'm an alien. A Felin, actually. I'm an ace pilot in the Helgebard Empire, which rather unsuccessfully invaded Rick's pissy little planet. I'm suave, sophisticated, and happily claim the title of greatest pilot ever. DS: Even though Rick keeps beating you. I heard about you. Terin: Shut up! He cheats! Matt: Sure. Taekwon: Well... My Name's Taekwon Doe, and I'm a high-ranking officer in the Coalition air force's new special vehichles unit. And... I work for her. Terin: That must be fun. Taekwon: A regular bag of laughs. Voice: Ah... okay. It's probably a stupid question, but what are you doing here? DS: Well, we finally decided to get even with those creeps once and for all. So *I* found out about their little job and came up with the idea of waiting in ambush for them here. Taekwon: [Checks watch] Actually, they're running a bit late. [Scene change: The hallway outside the apartment. The apartment door is firmly nailed shut, and Dan, Rick, Rebecca and Tsuneo are busy piling furniture agaisnt it. Already in place is a large wardrobe, a chest of drawers, two tables, several chairs, a couch and a torn-out kitchen sink. They finish putting the piano in place, nod to each other, and dash off.] [Scene change: The apartment.] Voice: They... might be a while. Matt: Oh? Voice: Yeah. Rick had a few appointments, so we... put back today's viewing a little. DS: [Rolls eyes] Brilliant. Terin: So what are we going to do now? Voice: I've got a fanfic on hold here. It might help you guys pass the time. Terin: Sure. Why not? Taekwon: I'm not so sure... DS: Taekwon, you are so unhip, it's a wonder your bum doesn't fall off. Put it on! [They sit on the couches - mostly. Matt and Dan's Sister take the forward facing couch, and Taekwon sits on the other couch, next to Dan's Sister on the corners.] Terin: Do you have anything a bit more accomadating? Taekwon: [Grins] Oh, looks like the fluffball's gonna have to stand. Terin: Like hell. [He sits on the armrest next to Dan's Sister.] [The TV switches on.] > The Eternal Struggle Matt: Pepsi vs. Coke. > (A Final Fantasy VII DS: All-righty! Taekwon: Huh? Oh-oh. > Valentine's Holiday Special) DS: Now that's tempting. Matt: That's not a good sign, actually. > by Sir T. Magus > Author's Notes: This is a parody/ DS: [Dissapointed] Oh. Terin: What's up? DS: I was hoping to see Sephiroth in his... [Trails off, muttering] > holiday special so there's no special > date, place, or any other such thing for a character that's supposed > to be dead, Taekwon: So I suppose this means we can look forward to appearances by Rufus, Sephiroth, Hojo, Aeris, Scarlet, Heidigger and Tseng. DS: But Tseng's not dead. Taekwon: He is too. He got chopped in half by Masamune. DS: But Tifa survived that when she was a runt. Matt: Probably bounced off her silicon implants. DS: [Hits Matt with a cushion] But anyway, he's alive. Taekwon: Dead. DS: Alive! Taekwon: Dead! Voice: Okay, time out, please? DS: [Muttered] Alive. Taekwon: [Muttered] Dead. > etc. ... Umm ... Enjoy. Terin: Or not. Taekwon: That might be difficult. > (Love is in the air All: [Singing] Love is in the air... every sight and every sound. > in the City of Midgar ... Especially in Tifa's 7th > Heaven, DS: [Muttering] I was warned, I must not riff continuity, I was warned... > the hideout of the Avalanche rebels) > Cloud: (Reading a Playboy magazine) Ooooh, baby! This Valentine's > special's hot! Matt: So this is your 'strong, silent type,' huh? DS: Oh, shut up. > Barret: (Walks over to Cloud) 'Ey, Cloud, whatcha readin'? Taekwon: [Cloud] The plot. It's very slim. > Oh, the Valentine's special! Yeah, I got 'dat very same issue ... Terin: I'll bet. DS: Well, what can you expect from guys? Others: ... > Tifa: (Walks over to the two) What're you looking at?! Terin: [Cloud] Melons! Damn, it slipped out. Matt: why couldn't her melons slip out instead. DS: [Laughing] You two... > Cloud: !!!! (Hides the magazine behind his back) The paint peeling! Taekwon: It's more interesting than this fic. Voice: He's good at this. > Barret: Y-yeah! > Tifa: Ohhhh .... Okay ... (Walks away as Barret and Cloud continue > staring at the magazine) Terin: Lady, if you buy that, I've got some waterfront property on Arrakis to sell you. > Oh ... When will Cloud finally realize how much I want him?!?! Matt: Should I say something about g-strings and her miniskirt here? DS: Better not. Matt: Okay. DS: And stop drooling, Terin! > Aeris: (Walks past Tifa, holding a cookie pan, with freshly baked > cookies on it) DS: [Mrs Cartman] I baked cookies, does anyone want some? Matt: I'd like to get a hold of your cookies. DS: Boy, I hope that was a riff for your sake. > Tifa: All because of that Aeris!!! Terin: Which Aeris? Taekwon: That one! [All stare at him] Okay, it was dumb. Happy? > Aeris: Didja call me Tifa? Terin: [Tifa] No! That oughta fool her. > Tifa: Ah, yeah, what kinda cookies are those? Matt: Yow! DS: [Yanks on his ear] Can it! Matt: Okay. DS: And I said stop drooling, Terin! > Aeris: Sugar cookies... I'm gonna put message on them with icing and > give them to Cloud! Isn't that great? (Smiles) Taekwon: How sickeningly twee. I may barf. > Tifa: Yeah ... Super... > Aeris: (Walks away) Terin: [Aeris] That's right, I'm taking the smart option and getting out of here! Goodnight everybody! > Tifa: Siiiiiiiiiggggggggggghhh.... > Cid: (On the phone) But, Shera!!!! I don't wanna go all the way to Rocket > Town!!!!! Taekwon: Multiple exclamation marks are the sure sign of a diseased mind. Matt: No, that's a tidy desk. Taekwon: ... > What? No, you get your ass over here!!! Terin: How about the rest of her? Matt: Who cares about that? > .... So, you have money donchya? > Tifa: (Looks at Cid) Oh, my GOD!!!!! Even Cid's gotta love life!! A > troubled one ... Terin: You call that a love life? > Cait Sith: (Hops over, on his fat moogle) Hey, Tifa. DS: It's a giant, stuffed Mog. Where does he get moogle from? > Tifa: Hi, Cait... > Cait Sith: What's wrong? Taekwon: [Tifa] I'm caught in a crappy fanfic! > Tifa: Ohhh ... I have an uncontrollable crush on Cloud, and he doesn't > even realize! Cuzza that Aeris ... Matt: [Tifa] God damn Aeris! Can't stand her! DS: Notice how we've secretly replaced Tifa with Ayeka. Now read on. > Cait Sith: Ahhhh ... Well, I never loved, so I don't know how you feel. > Tifa: Hmmmm ... > Cait Sith: Why doncha ask Vincent for help? > Tifa: Vincent? He had a love life?!??!?! Terin: That would be something approaching necrophilia. [DS whacks him with a cushion.] > Cait Sith: Well, he did have a crush on Lucrecia... (Shrugs) DS: [Muttered] Actually, they were very close, but never mind. > Tifa: (Cringes) Okay ... (Walks over to Vinent) > Vincent: (Feeling sorry for himself) Yes? Taekwon: [Vincent] Hurry up. I've got a lot of serious moping to do. Terin: [Lurch] You rang? > Tifa: How do you getta guy to notice you, when that guy's gotta another > girl all over him? Matt: First, get him into a shower and clean him up. DS: Then you get a pair of bricks... > Vincent: How should I know? > Tifa: Well, YOU'RE a man! DS: Duh! How can you tell? > Don't you know how a girl would want to notice you?! Taekwon: Ah... ah... Eh? DS: Help? > Vincent: I dunno! My first love was some classmate in the 8th grade .... Terin: Cue corny flashback sequence. Who wants some popcorn? [No response] > But Lucrecia was my only true love .... Then, the bastard Hojo stole her > from me!!!!!! But how?! He's butt-ugly!!!! Matt: Maybe he used a history lesson on her. Terin: [Begins to go pale] Matt: I'm gonna enjoy this. > Tifa: This is a side of you I've never seen before! Terin: [Tifa] Your left profile. > Vincent: Yeah, well, you know .... So, what're you doing for YOUR > Valentine's Day? All: As if we couldn't guess. > Tifa: Swoon over Cloud ... You? > Vincent: Feel sorry for myself ... All: Cliche! > Tifa: Is that ALL you do?! Taekwon: Yes. DS: Hey, lay off him! Taekwon: Just because you've got the hots for him. DS: No, but he's pretty cool anyway. > Vincent: Feel sorry for my self and read Playboys... Terin: Can we say 'OOC,' people? Terin, DS & Taekwon: OOC. Matt: [Ike] Anal probe. DS: What? Taekwon: Why did you say that. Matt: It felt so appropriate. > Tifa: Huh? > Vincent: Nothing... > (Meanwhile, not far away, the Shinra officials hang out in the Shinra > Executive Lounge Room ...) Matt: Wow, this is a really happening place, I can tell. > Reno & Rude: (Singing, swinging beer mugs around) 56 bottles of beer on > the wall, 56 bottles of beer! Take one, down, pass it around, 55 bottles > of beer on the wall! Matt: If not for one thing, I'd believe that was coming from Reno and Rude. Taekwon: What's that. Matt: It means Rude's talking. > Palmer: (Joins in) 55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer- DS: Who let that ub of lard in here? Teakwon: With Palmer around, you'd run out of bottles pretty quickly. > Rufus: (Joins in) One slipped oh s**t!!! 54 bottles of beer on the wall! > (There is laughter and then drinking .... Elena and Scarlet sit at a > table eating eclairs) DS: [Dripping sarcasm] Well, they sure know how to have a good time. Terin: Be carefull with those, Scarlet. Your implants are stretching your fake skin enough already. > Scarlet: (Staring at Rufus) He is soooooooo suave .... So cool, DS: [Scarlet] So pissed... > so confident in himself to add that curse word in such an old song... Terin: How *sophisticated.* Matt: [Belches loudly] Sorry, what was that? Terin: Nothing. Just considering jumping out the window. Taekwon: Need help? DS: Hey, lay off fluffy-kins. Teakwon & Terin: Fluffy-kins? > Elena: He's nowhere as good as Tseng ... Oh, Tseng, if you only knew how > I felt about you! Matt: Is it going to be like this all through the fic? Terin: We've wandered into the prozac zone. DS: You know what this is? This is Shinra Muyo. Taekwon: Fluffy-kins? > Tseng: (Kicking the love tester machine as it blinks "Cold Fish") Terin: I'm so amazed at this company's sophisitication if they've got one of those things. Taekwon: This is the same company that employs Reno and Rude. Terin: Point. DS: Hey... Others: [Roll eyes] > Scarlet: Stuff it, sister. Terin: That's what she was doing with the eclairs. Matt: No, you don't want to know what they were doing with the eclairs. DS: Keep this up, and you'll get another cushion. Lead-lined. > Elena: (Glares at Scarlet, then continue to stare at Tseng) > Tseng: Okay, you piece of trash, let's try this again ... (Stuffs a > quarter in the love tester and gripped the handle as hard as he can ... > The love tester blinked "Wet Noodle") Matt: Funnily enough, that's what his last girlfriend called him when- DS: [Punches Matt] Now be good. > GRRRRR!!!!!!!!! > (Meanwhile, at the Nibelheim Shinra Mansion, Sephiroth's new secret > hideout, Taekwon: Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor. > the wily villain plots his next move on his enemies, Shinra and > Avalanche...) Terin: I just love these subtle hide-outs. > Sephiroth: ...Maybe I'll destroy the layer of the atmosphere, called the > ozone layer straight over Midgar, so they could suffer a slow, painful > death! No, no ... Maybe I could launch a rocket to the core of the Earth > and it'll detonate all of the volanoes in the world, drenching the world > in hot, molten lava! (Puts pinky over lips) No, no ... DS: Notice how we've secretly replaced Sephiroth with Dr. Evil. > (Smashes his hands on a near-by table) Terin: [Sephiroth] Smash! Smash, I say, Smash! > Oh I've lost it ... Taekwon: No arguments there. > There's absolutely no evil thing left to do ...... DS: Apart from hitting the planet with a meteor, but don't worry about stuff like that. Matt: You could try forcing people to watch crappy fanfics. [Long pause] All: Nah. > It's ALL been done ... Taking over the world > seems to be the only thing that people like me do .... Terin: That's because you're evil. [All look around] Matt: So? > But, it's > soooooooo much fun! First, to take over the world, I must destroy my > enemies! (Throws a few darts at Cloud's and Rufus' pictures, taped on > the wall) THEN, unleash my mother on all of humanity! (Picks up a jar > with Jenova's head in it and puckers his lips up) Isn't that right, > mommy? Yes it is, yes it is! Terin: Oh, yeah. He's gone. Way gone. DS: [Beginning to cry] But... but he can't... I mean, he's the coolest... Matt: [Puts arm around her shoulders] There, there... > Are you hungry! (Shakes the jar up and down, as if it was nodding) Taekwon: [Jenova] Hey! Cut that out! I'm getting sea-sick! > Then, I'll feed you! (Screws open the jar > and sprinkles fish food in it and then drops a chicken leg in it) Terin: [Deadpan] Yummy yummy. Matt: [Deep] Chicken. > Jenova: (Blinks) Ouch! > Sephiroth: (Holds a fishing rod with a chicken leg at the end of the > hook, while sitting in a rocking chair) So, ma, how should we try and > kill the traitors now? DS: [Jenova] Well, there's this little summoning called 'Supernova...' > Jenova: I dunno, why doncha check the calendar? (Sucks up some of the > fish food) This stuff's disgusting ... Why can't you get me something > besides FISH FOOD?! What about mashed potatoes, pot roast and green beans?! Taekwon: Ladies and gentlemen, the return of "Mother and Son." > Sephiroth: I'll go to K-Mart, later, mother! (Prances over to his Far > Side desk-calendar) Gotta walk like a girl, talk like a girl ... DS: Grr... I swear... Terin: Hey, cool it, will you? > (Tears > off Wednesday, February 11th paper and chucks it into the trash can) > THREE POINTS!!!!!! > Jenova: Not THAT calendar, boobie! Matt: Argh! It's Dr. Forrester in drag! All: AARRGGHH!! DS: Don't do that! > Sephiroth: Well, WHICH ONE?! > Jenova: The WALL calendar! The one with the tiny boxes on it! > Sephiroth: (Looks next to his Cloud and Rufus dartboard) OH! Stupid me! > (Prances over to the wall calendar) Walk like a girl, talk like a > girl ... DS: I... I don't believe this... > (Looks at the wall calendar) What about it? Taekwon: [Jenova] Well, it's used to mark the passage of days, but that's not important right now. > Jenova: Ugh ..... Look at SATURDAY!!!!!! It's Valentine's Day! You can > invite the Shinra and Avalanche people here for a Valentine's Day dance > and kill 'em all off here! Taekwon: There's the plot, folks. > Sephiroth: What'll make them come?! Matt: Free beer. Always works for me. > Jenova: I dunno, use yer imagination! They SHOULD come! They're all in > love with each other ... Cloud doesn't know whether he loves Aeris or > Tifa, Tifa and Aeris love Cloud, Yuffie loves sugar, Barret loves guns, > Cait Sith loves Bic pens, Red XIII loves marshmellows, Terin: Where the **** does he get this from? > Vincent loves > Lucrecia, Tseng loves Aeris, Reno loves beer, Rude loves beer and Tifa, DS: Actually, that's Reno, but never mind. > Elena loves Tseng, Scarlet loves Rufus, Rufus loves Stephen King novels, > Palmer loves rubbing alcohol, Heidegger loves Chinese food ... All: [Singing] I love you, you love me. > Is that everybody? > Sephiroth: ::Flips through Brady Games Official Final Fantasy VII > Player's Guide:: [A loud moaning sound is heard] Terin: What the... What was that? Taekwon: The fourth wall. > Ah, no you forgot Cid ... He loves ... Cigarettes and Shera right? Matt: [Stan] Dude, this is pretty ****ed up right here. > Jenova: Yeah, I guess ... > Sephiroth: Excellent .... Matt: [Mr. Burns] Excellent. Terin: [South Park Sidney Poitier] Excellent! > Jenova: And y'know what else? Valentine's Day is RIGHT after Friday the > Thirteenth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Taekwon: Once you've sifted through all the exclamation marks, that is. > Sephiroth: .... Yeah .... So? > Jenova: You can do something horrible to them before they arrive ... > Something like .... handing them out their ... INVITATIONS!!!!!!!!!!! [Stunned silence] Terin: Yeah. Real terrifying and horrible, that. > Sephiroth: .... But what's that got to do with Friday the 13th? > Jenova: Ugh, nevermind, just give 'em their invitations on the Friday .... > Sephiroth: Okay...... > (And as the face of evil turns around to stare at all the innocent > people again Matt: [Singing] They're Sephy and Jenova, Sephy and Jenova. One is a space freak, the other's insane. DS: That is really, really reaching. Matt: Yeah. Can you think of anything that actually rhymes with Jenova? > ... Hold on, that line is REALLY stupid ... Taekwon: Oh, great. Now the authour's riffing it. > 'As the face of evil turns around to stare at'- it's bullcrap! .... Terin: Well, no arguments there. > Anyway, at Tifa's > 7th Heaven, the secret hideout of the Avalanche, Cait Sith sharpens his > pencil ...) > Cait Sith: (Shoves his No. 2 Ticonderoga into the Panasonic ... AHEM, > SONY electric pencil sharpener and listens to the grinding sounds) Taekwon: INTENSE... PENCIL... SHARPENING... ACTION! > Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh ..... Nothing like a freshly new sharpened No. 2 > pencil to write a story with .... (Jumps off his fat moogle-thing and DS: Giant... Stuffed... Mog... Taekwon: If you point that out one more time... > scribbles on a piece of paper) The ... Eternal .... Struggle .... A > Final ... Fantasy VII ... Valentine's ...Day Special ....... by .... > Cait ........ Sith... There's a good start! [A loud crashing noise is heard. They all look around, startled, then shrug.] Taekwon: There goes the fourth wall. > Cid: (Walks over to Cait Sith, smoking a cigarette as usual) Whatcha > doin'? Terin: [Cait Sith] Writing a crappy fanfic. Care to help? > Cait Sith: Writing a fan-fic ... Matt: Oh, good call! > Cid: What the hell's a fan-fic? > Cait Sith: A fan-fic is a fan-made fiction novel or novella based on > a series or another story written by a different author. DS: And often force-fed to unsuspecting victims. > Cid: Why aren't ya writin' yer Valentine cards? > Vincent: What about my cards? > Cid: NOTHING! > Vincent: OKAY! > Cait Sith: Cuz I have no one to write to .... Terin: Aww, poor Cait Sith. [They all stare at him] What? I think he's cool. > Cid: Hmmmmm-hmmmmm ... > Cloud: (Walks over to Cid and Cait Sith) Whatcha doin'? Taekwon: Dying. How about you? > Cait Sith & Cid: Writing a fan-fic ... > Cloud: What the hell's a fan-fic? DS: A form of slow, painfull torture. > Cait Sith & Cid: A fan-fic is a fan-made fiction novel or novella based > on a series or another story written by a different author. > Cloud: Ohhh ... That's a stupid idea, Matt: [Laughing] Woo-hoo! Terin: At last! Someone's got it right! > what about copyrights? Taekwon: What about them? > Cait Sith: As long as I give full credit to the original author and > nothing should happen .... Matt: Damn. Terin: Actually, you notice that he didn't go through all the copyright stuff at the start, so... DS: Squaresoft can sue his arse off! > Cloud: Hey, y'know Friday the Thirteenth's tomorrow ... And you know > what THAT means ...... Matt: Salsbury steak day? > Cait Sith: No, what's it mean...? Taekwon: Well, thickie, it means that it's the thirteenth day of the month, and it just happens to be a Friday. > Cloud: Oh, you were supposed to guess! > Cid: Jus' tell us! > Cloud: Okay, it means that there's gonna be a Friday the 13th series > marathon on the Sci-fi Channel!!!!!!! All: [Bored] Hooray. Terin: Why does the Sci-fi Channel run Friday the 13th movies? Taekwon: Who knows? > Cid: Oh, cool, I loved the movies. DS: You and you alone. > Cait Sith: I'm not a big fan of horror flicks .... I like sci-fi/dramas > more... > (The next night, Friday the Thirteenth, something horrible happened ....) Taekwon: Squaresoft found this fic and unleashed their lawyers! Matt: And there was much rejoicing. All: Hooray! > Elena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Terin: I see she's been reading the fic too. > Reno: (Runs in, holding a Vodka bottle) DS:L Yup, that's Reno all right. > What's wrong?!??! (Sees Elena, pale white in front of a TV) Oh my God! > Elena: Dylan went out with Cheryl instead of Tracy!!!!!!!! (Starts to cry) > WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!! All: [Cover ears] Aah! Taekwon: Is she really this useless? DS: No way. > Rude: (Runs in) What in the hell-?! > Reno: Oh, nothing, Elena's mourning over that soap opera crap... > Elena: It's not crap, you're crap! Terin: At last, we agree on something. > Reno: Rah-bah-bah ... (Starts to walk away) > Rude: That's sad .... (Starts to walk away, but stops a straightens out > of picture on Elena's wall) > Elena: Sniff .... (Continues watching TV, unbeknownst the horrible fate > that shall befall her...) Taekwon: She was forced to star in a crappy fanfic. > (An evil worse than the Grinch Terin: The what? Matt: Maybe he means Gingrich. All: Aaarrrggghhh! Taekwon: Just for good measure. > lurked in the shadows of her dimly lit room) > Sephiroth: Hyuk, I love evil! Matt: I said "Yeah, baby, yeah! Evil's good, baby, yeah!" > (Prances around Elena's room, without her > noticing, wearing a black, hooded cloak. Then he raised his hand and > brought it, as fast as he could, upon Elena) > Elena: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Terin: [British] No, no, no! You've got to get it a bit higher. Like this: AAAAHHHH!!!! > Sephiroth: (He stops short and hands her her invitation) Go there or be > square .... > Elena: (Gaps Taekwon: Gaps? [All look around, then turn to DS. She shrugs.] > and takes the invitation) O-o-o-o-o-o-k-k-kay-ay-ay... DS: [Elena] I've just been invited to a Valentine's day party by a [sighs] totally buff evil guy. Makes sense. > (Reno and Rude are playing Nintendo 64...) Matt: No way would those guys use an N64. Terin: Yeah, they're on Playstation. Taekwon: Guys... The fourth wall's looking very stodgy... > Reno: Oh, come on, you're so cheap!!!!! Matt: No, Scarlet's the cheap one. > Rude: Heh, heh, heh... I can't help it I'm the best sniper... > Reno: GoldenEye's more fun when I win!!!! Terin: No, Goldeneye's more fun when you unplug the machine. Taekwon: Product placement number 55, folks. Collect the whole set. > Sephiroth: You shall die like the others... Matt: [Reno] Are you threatening me? > Reno & Rude: D'AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!! (Shoots at Sephiroth) > Sephiroth: (Drops the invitations and vanishes) Be there or be SQUARE...... > Reno & Rude: (Picks the invitations up) ....? Taekwon: [Reading] You are hearby invited to a fanfic roasting party. BYO flamethrower. > Sephiroth: Oooooooooh.... > Reno & Rude: AAAAHHHH!!!! > (Rufus straightens out his desk...) Matt: Man, I don't wantto know what he's been doing with it. Taekwon: What was that about a tidy desk? > Rufus: We're tiny we're toony, we're all a little looney... DS: Well, you said it, mate. > (Sets Far Side desk calendar on left hand corner, places pencils in can...) All: [Make toilet flushing noises] Terin: Now there's a *really* good place for them. > Sephiroth: Who, ahh... YOU shall die like the others... Terin: Just like Terry Farrel's career. > Rufus: What?!??!! No!!!! Take Heidegger, take Heidegger!!!! DS: Please take Heidegger! > Sephiroth: Be there or be square ... (Vanishes, leaving the invitation) > (Heidegger and Palmer a staring at the wall) Terin: That must be *so* thrilling. Taekwon: They've probably got the best part in this whole fic. > Sephiroth: ... Hmmm ... Nahhhhhhh ... Matt: At last, some intelligence! Amazing! > (Teleports to Scarlet's room) > Scarlet: (Chewing gum, singing) R-E-S-P-E-C-T, that is what it means to > me! Sakatoomi, sakatoomi ... > Sephiroth: You shall die like the others... DS: Please. Terin: What's wrong with her? Matt: I think that says a lot. > Scarlet: (Sprays her pepper spray in his eyes) > Sephiroth: OW!!! Take it, take it! (Drops the invitation and vanishes) > (Hojo is mixing chemicals as mutations are held in cages and bubbly sounds > are heard) Matt: It's Deep 13! > Hojo: A little dash of carbomeatvolovohyundia ... A drop of .... > milk ....... Some water .... Carbon.... and I got ...... Taekwon: [Hojo] A diet cola that doesn't leave a yukky aftertaste! > (Sips his creation) GAAAAAACK!!!!!!! It tastes like cat piss!!!!! Taekwon: No? Just back to the regular diet colas. > (Shoves his lips > under a faucet and accidently turns on the hot water) AAAAAAHHH!!!!! Terin: Ah, Hojo. The model of mad science. DS: He's a lot better than this. Really. Matt: Sure. I believe you. > Sephiroth: (Appears in Hojo's laboratory and looks around) Hmph .... I > never appreciated Hojo, but maybe I could invite for a couple of laughs ... > (Sees Hojo running around in pain) Taekwon: Yeah, lots of laughs out of that. > Maybe I'll leave it here ... (Places the > invitation on a pile of science manuals and vanishes) DS: He'll never find it! > Hojo: (Trips over a fallen beaker and dives head-first into a rabid goblin > cage) HAH-HAH-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! Matt: Personally, I feel sorry for the goblin. Terin: I once met a guy who looked like that goblin. > (Sephiroth then drives his jeep down Sector 7 All: [Singing to South Park theme] Goin' down to Sector 7, gonna have myself a time. DS: Why does he need a jeep anyway? Matt: 'Cause his black limo's at the shop, being fixed. Next! > and drives in front of > Tifa's 7th Heaven, while everyone inside is watching the Friday the 13th > marathon) > TV: Do you want to play? No ... no ... no ... NOOOOOOOOOOO- > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Taekwon: Amazing, it's precisely how we feel. > Tifa, Aeris, Cait Sith & Yuffie: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!! > Cloud, Barret, Cid & Red XIII: Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HAA HAAA HAAAH AH AH > AHA HA HA HAA!!! > Vincent: Ugggghhhhh ... (Holds paper bag to face) > (Suddenly, without warning a brick smashes through the window of the 7th > Heaven) Matt: [Cloud] Honey, the phone bill's arived. > Sephiroth: Vwa ha ha ha HA ha ha HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!!! Terin: Ah, another proud graduate from the Katsuhiko Jinnai school of maniacal laughter. > (Crashes car into tree) DS: Just out of morbid curiousity, but where'd he find a tree in the Sector 7 slums? Taekwon: Ah, shut up! > Ooooohhh .... All: WA-TAK! > (Vanishes) > Cloud: (Picks up brick and sees there's an invitation tied to it. He > unties it and looks at the front) You and your Avalanche freds ... I think > he means friends ... Are invited to The Annual Nibelheim Valentine's Dance > held at the Shinra mansion. Taekwon: [Reading] PS: This is not a trap. Really. > Bring some pot roast, mashed potatoes and green beans...? DS: Geen Beans? What's she doing here? Those are good fics. > Tifa: I never knew Nibelheim had an annual Valentine's Day dance.... > Vincent: Maybe it's a FIRST annual ... > Cloud: Yeah, maybe ... This is cool! Terin: Isn't anyone here in the slightest bit suspicious? > Aeris: I'll go with Cloud! (Holds onto Cloud's arm) > Tifa: GRRRRRRR!!!! DS: Down, girl! Back! Sit! > Yuffie: (Drops an egg on Tifa's head and watches it sizzle) Kick ass!!! Taekwon: I suppose that's comedy relief. > (Valentine's Day ....) > Sephiroth: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!! I've done it!!!! Soon, Terin: [Sephiroth] Wiuth the aid of this fic, I shall rule the world! Ahahaha! I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naughty- [DS shoves Terin hard, and he falls off the armrest.] DS: Now behave yourself. Terin: Yes, ma'am! [Climbs back onto armrest] > everybody's gonna die!!!! Matt: [Kid] Everybody dies, you know. > (Staples a few more paper hearts on the wall) > Jenova: You need a disguise, honey ... Maybe you could disguise yerself > as ........ DS: Oh, great. Why do I get the feeling that Sephiroth goes to the Jedite school of disguises? Terin: What you watch that show? DS: No, my moronic brother does. I didn't know you did, though. Terin: I, er, uh, that is... > Sephiroth: Ah, hell, mom, I don't need a disguise! Matt: [Sephiroth] I'll just blend into the crowd. Yeah, that's it. > Jenova: But once they find out it's you, we're all dead! > Sephiroth: (Puts cloth over the jar) Doooooooon't worry, ma, everything's > under control! Taekwon: Don't panic, people. All the flames are perfectly normal. > Jenova: You were a mistake!!!!! It's about time you knew the truth!!!! > You were adopted- DS: Now this is where any similarity to the game goes out the window. > Sephiroth: Yeah, yeah, yeah ... (Shoves her in a safe and closes it, > slicing off the combo-wheel-turny-thingy off with the Masamune) Taekwon: The what? Terin: The writer's technical knowledge amazes me. > (Meanwhile, outside, Avalanche and Shinra meet ...) DS: Matter and anti-matter. > Cloud & Rufus: Heeeeeeeeeeey!!!! What the hell're you doing here?!?!??! > Tifa & Scarlet: We're here for the Valentine's Day dance! > Aeris: Hold it, hold it! Maybe Nibelheim is trying to settle the fued > between us! Taekwon: Feud? How about: All-out war. > Let's shake, kiss, and make up and go have fun! > Tseng: You're right, Aeris! > Reno: Yeah, let's get drunk together and then we can all get into a room > with a biiiiiig bed and a lock and- Matt: Now there's an idea! Terin: Yeah! [Turns to DS] How about it? DS: You boys are hopeless. > Elena: (Jumpkicks Reno's head) Shut up! This story's PG-13!!! [A loud crashing noise is heard again.] Taekwon: This guy doesn't know when to stop. > Rude: Oooooooooooooooohhhhh ........ Terin: That's about the most intelligent thing he's said yet. DS: Rude's back to normal. > Barret: I'll keep ma' eye o' you ... (Glares at Rufus) > Vincent: Grumble, grumble ... > Sephiroth: (Looks out the window) Oh crap!!!!!! They're here!!!!! (Lays > out chairs, tables, food, decorations, a room with a biiiiiig bed and a > lock and hires Akfek Taekwon: Afkek... Kefka? Terin: [Turns pale] The... dark... one... DS: He probably means the original FF3 villain, not the rip-off authour. Matt: [To Terin] Hey, what's with you? Terin: I've got a tail, don't I? > the DJ. Flips through Vincent's permanent record > just for the hell of it ...) Terin: Now that must be a fascinating read. > Hmmm ... Letsee.... Seems to drool over a > lab girl named Lucrecia ...... Hojo did the same thing .... Lucrecia's > dead....? Wow, maybe I could screw up their lives! (Creates a life-like > image of Lucrecia and smiles) Aaaaaahhhhhh ... Being a super-human with > a hyper-advanced mind surrrrrrrrreeee lets me do straaaaaaaaaaaange > thiiiiiiiiiiiiings .... Matt: He's turned into Ren! > (Avalanche and Shinra walk in the Shinra mansion) > Yuffie: (Jumps in the bowl of punch and starts taking a bath) DS: Eugh! That's gonna leave an interesting flavour. > Alright, my skin will getta nice fruity odor!!! Taekwon: This ain't happening. Tell me this ain't happening. DS: Ah, well. Never liked Yuffie anyway. > Red XIII: (Gasps) Its-its-its- Matt: One of yor rellies, Terin? Terin: Oh, hah hah. > Cloud: SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!! > (Organ music starts mysteriously playing) All: Howsy-howsy! Matt: Albatross! Terin: Eee-ecky-thump! Taekwon: [To Camera] Ladies and gentlemen, the 'Complete Waste Of Time' sketch. > Hojo: HOLY S**T!!!! Matt: Hey, that's Cid's line! > Tifa: What're you doing here, Sephiroth?!?! DS: From the lookls of things, poncing. [Sobs] > Sephiroth: What?! I invited you to a Valentine's Day dance!!! What harm > did I do? Taekwon: well, you did sort of burn Nibelheim to the ground, kill half the population, nearly do in Tifa, Cloud and Zack, kill president Shinra, unleash Jenova and try to destroy the world. DS: Nice rant! Taekwon: Thanks. And I've never even played it. > Cid: (Whispers) He's gotta point .... Terin: And you're buying that? Hoh, boy, I've got some land on Arrakis with your name on it! > Elena: I wanna dance, anyway ........ DS: [Whiny] I wanna lolly! I wanna lolly! I wanna kinder surprise! I want my EVA! Matt: Ladies and germs, the Asuka Langley Soryu sketch. > Scarlet: Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh .... Terin: Oookkkaaayyy... > Aeris: Like I said ... That uhhhhhhhh ... guy over there surrounded by > the stereo's trying to settle our battle! Right? You're the Nibelheim > dance representative aren't you? > Akfek: Ummm ... Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhh .... > Sephiroth: (Wipes sweat away) > Cloud: Hmmmm ... okay.... DS: [Kefka] Pay no attention to me! I'm just a huge evil villain from FF3! Matt: [Ditto] Just minding my own business! I'm not writing any more Sonic fics, no siree. Terin: [Turns green] DS: Stop that! Matt: What? > Akfek: (Starts to play 1990's music) Taekwon: Now *there's* an oxymoron. > Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! What the hell is this trash?!?!?!? Terin: Trash! > Akfek: Dance music!!!!!! > Everyone: (Laughs) Sure it is!!!!!! > Cloud: (Shrugs and walks over to the punch bowl and meets Sephiroth > throwing Yuffie into a wall) All: Hooray! Voice: [Muttered] How come I'm suddenly reminded of Sasami? > Soooo ... You finally changed your ways? > Sephiroth: Ah, yup ... > Cloud: Goood .... Well ... eh, see you ...around.... > Sephiroth: ... Yeah, OK.... [Stunned silence] Matt: Wha... has Cloud been hitting the Ratliff gas again? > Aeris: (Runs over to Cloud) I wanna dance, I wanna dance! DS: Lady, cut down on the sugar! > Cloud: Whoaaaaaa! > Aeris: (Drags Cloud to the dance floor and puts her arms around him) > Cloud: I'm new at this .... (Wonders where to put his arms and > accidently brushes her bust with his hand and puts his hands on her > shoulders. He gulps and his face turns red) Matt: What's the bets that he gets a nosebleed. Terin: Twenty. DS: Ten against. Taekwon: Ten on. Matt: Right. > Tifa: (Saw Cloud do that and starts to growl) How dare she...! Matt: Hissy fit! Hissy fit! DS: Do you reckon you could be any more of a chauvanist if you tried? Matt: Yup. > Rude: (Walks over to Tifa) Ummm ... Hey Tifa .... > Tifa: Hi Rude.... > Rude: You, uhhh ... Wanna dance? Taekwon: The Rude equivalent of Shakespeare. > Tifa: (Looks up at Rude and then looks Cloud & Aeris and thinks ...) > Hmmmm ... If I dance with Rude, Cloud will get overly jealous and run > to my rescue and he'll be all mine! DS: Notice how we've gotten rid of Ayeka and now replaced Tifa with B-ko. Taekwon: Please. This fic could do with some talent. > (Looks back up at Rude, scratching his bald head) [All make sqeaking noises] > Rude: I guess not ... > Tifa: No, no, no, of course I'll dance with ya, Rude! Taekwon: Famous last words. > Rude: ALL RIGHT!!!!!! (Grabs Tifa's hand and runs onto the dance floor > and immediately puts his hands on her hips) Oooooooohhhhhhhh..... > Tifa: EEP! Rude, this is all so fast! Terin: The sooner it's over, the better. > Rude: Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh, great isn't it? I dreamed of this moment for > sooo long... I dreamed of other moments too.... (Winks) Matt: Bet he does that too fast as well. DS: You are so much asking for it. > Tifa: (Whispers) Ohhh, my God... Terin: They killed FF7! Taekwon: [Bored] You bastards. > Vincent: (Walks around, enjoying the decorations DS: And the monsters! Where have they gotten to? Why isn't anyone getting a ????? dropped on their head about now? > in such a house of > evil and then sees Lucrecia) By the helmet of Cecil! All: Eh? > Lucrecia!!!! > Lucrecia: We meet again, Vinny... > Vincent: But, how?! > Lucrecia: What's the matter? Don't believe your eyes? DS: With Sephy around... no. Taekwon: Sephy? > (Kisses Vincent) > Hojo: Lucrecia!!! > Lucrecia: (Turns around) Hojo! It's you, too! Terin: Who else would it be, looking like that. > Hojo: Lucrecia, it's been so long! > Vincent: Hojo! What're you doing here?! Matt: [Hojo] Getting my appearance fee. > Hojo: I'm here to collect my bride!!! (Grabs Lucrecia) > Lucrecia: OOH! > Vincent: (Eyes widen) Bride?! She's mine, bastard!!! (Points gun at > Hojo's head) All: Hooray! DS: Ah, he'll probably just regenerate it anyway. Terin: I think Helletic Hojo could do wonders for this fic right now. > Cait Sith: (Eating nachoes) Wow .... This is a cool party... Sex, > drugs, and rock n' roll! Taekwon: Not to rain on your parade, but there's no sex, no drugs, and barely music. DS: If he's a toy cat, how can he be eating? Taekwon: Shut up! > Well ... Not so much sex ... And not so much > drugs .... But uhh ... rock n' roll, I guess ... Ah, hell, what am I > talking about? Terin: Beats me. Taekwon: Amazing. He riffed it again. > Scarlet: (Walks over to Rufus) Oh, Rufy-wufy! DS: [Laughing] Rufy-wufy? Taekwon: [Sarcastic] Fluffy-kins? DS: [Suddenly serious] I'll be good. > Rufus: (Sipping punch) Yes? Taekwon: Wasn't Yuffie just in that? DS: EEWW!! > Scarlet: I wanna DANCE!!! > Rufus: But, I'm drinking punch!! DS: That's the best excuse I've heard in a while. > Scarlet: SO? You can put it down for a minute ... Or a couple of > hours... > Rufus: Oh, geeeeeez.... Terin: Hey, Rufus! Don't let her boss you around! Downsize her! Matt: She needs downsizing! DS: [Whacks him with a cushion] Naughty! > Scarlet: (Grabs Rufus and twirls him around) Whoo!!! > Rufus: Whoaaaaaaaaa-AAAAAHHH!!!! > Scarlet: Yahoo! (Swings Rufus between her legs) Matt: Dirty dancing, this ain't. > Rufus: (Gets a quick look up her dress) Oooh! Terin, Matt & Taekwon: Oooooohhhh... DS: [Strained] You guys... > Scarlet: (Lets go of Rufus) Uh-oh... > Rufus: (Flies into a wall, next to Yuffie) Taekwon: Togg! Terin: [Rufus, dazed] Hey, how you doing? Nice wall. > Scarlet: Whoops!!! (Whistles and walks away) Matt: [Scarlet, quick] I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything. > Reno: Ohhhhh .. OH, OH, YOU LIKE IT LIKE THIS???? OOOHH!!!! (Guzzles > down Vodka) THIS IS SSSSSOOOOOOOO GOOD!!! (Inhales bottles) Terin: Uh, Reno, I think we should talk about your drinking problem... > OOOOOHHHHH, YEEEEAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!! > Elena: (Stares at Reno) Sick!!! DS: You said it, lady! > Tseng: (Playing Game Boy Pocket) C'mon ..... C'mon ..... DAMN!!! I > was killed by an elf!!! (Shuts the Game Boy off) Taekwon: This guys got a serious product placement problem. Matt: I've got it! This whole thing's a Nintendo kiss-up! > Elena: Umm ... Tseng .... You, uh, wanna dance? > Tseng: Can't you see I'm in misery now?! Besides I'd rather dance with > Aeris... > Elena: WHAT?! (Glares at Aeris) > Rude: (Grabs Tifa and jumps on a nearby bed) Taekwon: Which just happens to be out there by the dance floor. Right. > Let's get it on!!!! > Tifa: EEEEK!!!!! > Cloud: Wha-? (Sees Rude and Tifa in the bed) HOLY CRAP!!!! I gotta > save her!! Terin: Well, Tifa, your plan... kinda worked. > Aeris: Huh? Oh, OK, I'll be waiting... Taekwon: Hold the line, please. > Cloud: (Kicks Rude in the side) All: Boot to the head! > Rude: OOF!!! (Stands up, towering over Cloud) You ... JERK!!! Matt: Oh. He's hurt. God, he's hurt by that. > Aeris: Cloud, I wann dance more!! > Tifa: (Glares at Aeris) Ah, yes, I have unfinished business ... (Lunges > for Aeris and knocks her down) Matt: Cool! Lemon time! [DS casually whacks him with a cushion] > Elena: HAAAA!!!! (Jumps on top of Tifa and Aeris) Matt: Threesome! Terin: Woo-hoo! DS: That does it! [DS leaps up, swinging around and punches Matt in the jaw. She follows up with a spinning kick that knocks Terin off his perch again.] DS: Now are you two gonna behave, or do I actually have to hurt you? Terin: I'll be good! [Climbs back onto armrest] Matt: I'll behave! DS: Good. [Sits] Taekwon: ASADAE! Terin: Aack! Taekwon: Heheh. > Tifa: You stole my boyfriend!! > Elena: You stole my boyfriend!! > Aeris: WHAT?! Taekwon: They both said they stole each others' boyfriends. Or something like that. > Cloud: (Kicks Rude in the stomach) > Rude: (Catches his foot and flips him off the bed) > Cloud: OOF!!! > Rude: GRRRRAAAARR!!!!! (Jumps on Cloud) > Cloud: (Kicks Rude in the stomach) > Rude: OOH!!!!!!!! DS: Could this fight get any lamer? Terin: It's like pro wrestling. Only worse. > Cid: (Walks over to Akfek) > Akfek: Do you have a request? Taekwon: [Cid] Yeah, get me outta here! > Cid: No .... Do I know you from somewhere? Matt: [Cid] Didn't you write a crappy fanfic? Terin: Hah. I'm immune! Taekwon: Oscar! Terin: Ghack! [Falls off the armrest] DS: Do you mind? Taekwon: Sorry. Just had to test. > Akfek: (Hides his face in his coat) Ummm ... nooooo .... > Cid: Yeah, I saw your face before .... (Looks in his Villains Digest > magazine) Yeah ... Hmm ... Kefka, blonde, short hair in pony tail at > the end, green eyes, two feathers stuck between his head and right ear, > 6 feet tall, 204 pounds .... You're Kefka aren't you!!!? Matt: [Kefka] No! I'm just... someone... called Afkek who... looks identical to Kefka! Terin: [Gets back on armrest] So he went to the Lara Croft school of alternate identities? > Akfek: You're crazy, ya know that? > Cid: .... I've been told many times..... (Starts to cry) > Akfek: It's OK, I've had that said to me numerous times as well!! > (Starts to cry) DS: There, there... It'll be over soon. > Red XIII: Well, I have no specific part in this event .... I guess I'll > just organize my stamp collection ..... [Stunned silence] Terin: I didn't think it could get any worse. Taekwon: I want to know how Red can put stamps in a stamp album. [All ponder this for a few seconds] DS: Shut up! Taekwon: Yes, ma'am. > Sephiroth: Vweeeee hee hee heeee! Terin: Someone's been hitting the happy pills again. > All's going according to plan! > Actually, no, they're all beating the s**t out of each OTHER .... Hee > hee, I don't even have to anything! Taekwon: Obviously he doesn't even have to use complete sentences. > Lucrecia: Boys, boys .... > Vincent: HAAA!!!! (Fires rapidly at Hojo, who dodges the bullets and > punches Vincent) Matt: Vincent vs Hojo. Dead and deader. > Hojo: Idiot!!! > Vincent: She's mine, naive! (Punches his head) > Hojo: Ha ha!!! You can't hurt my head!! You know how big and FAT IT IS!!! Terin: No arguments there. DS: This is so tragic. > Vincent: (Kicks Hojo's groin) Taekwon: [Deadpan] That wouldn't work either. > Hojo: Ooooooohhhhh .... (Falls over) > Vincent: It's over Hojo ... Lucrecia's mine .... (Hugs Lucrecia and she > vanishes) WHAT?! (Sees Sephiroth snickering) It was just an image ..... All: Nah. Terin: Is the entire cast on stupid pills or something? Matt: It's not just Cloud who's on Ratliff gas. > Grrrrrrraaaaaaarrrrrrr, SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!!! All: [Kirk] KAHN! Matt: That felt good. > Sephiroth: What? > Tifa: (Kicks Aeris) > Aeris: (Whips out her staff and jabs Tifa with it and slices at Elena's > head) BACK OFF!!!! DS: [Aeris] I never liked you anyway. Terin: [Tifa] I'll win anyway. You're dead! > Elena: You whore!!!! > Tifa: I'll kill you!! > Aeris: Go to hell, silicone princess!!! DS: Insert gratuitous Lara Croft joke here. Matt: Or Marta joke. > (Casts Fire3 on Elena and Tifa) Taekwon: Ow! Hot, hot, hot! Terin: [Dan Akroyd] Smells like barbequed dog hair. > Vincent: EVERYBODY STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > Everybody: WHAT?!??!!??!?!?!??!! Matt: [Vincent] Fooled you! Didn't say 'Simon says!' > Vincent: SEPHIROTH'S LED US INTO A TRAP!!!!!! > Sephiroth: DID NOT!!!!!!!! Terin: Did too! Matt: Did not! Terin: Did too! Matt: Did not! DS: Stop arguing, you two, or I'm turning this fic around and going home! > Jenova: SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Taekwon: [Sephioth, meek] Yes, mother? > Sephiroth: OOOOOOHHHHH S**T!!!!!!! > Jenova: (Breaks out of safe and mutates into a huge, hulking skull- > tentacle-thingy with a feminine Matt: Whoah! That is one ugly mother. > look and flies to the main room) I TOLD > YOU THIS PLAN WOULDN'T WORK, SEPHIROTH!!!!!!! > Sephiroth: But mother!!!!!!! > Jenova: It's okay, I'll kill 'em all off for you, honey! (Wraps > tentacles around Avalanche and Shinra) Matt: With long green electric tentacles that sting! > Barret: Now I get a speaking part.... DS: Ha ha ha ha ha. I feel like killing someone. > Cloud: Ooooh, I need my sword!!!! I left it on the Highwind..... Taekwon: Are you kidding? He never goes anywhere without that thing. Terin: I want to know how he got it into Don Corneo's. [Pause] No I don't. > Yuffie: (Bites Jenova's tentacle) ROAR!!!! > Jenova: AAHHH!!!! GODDAMN, THE LITTLE TURD BIT ME!!!!!! Matt: Oh, man, now he's dissing the good stuff. DS: And Jenova's gonna get pink eye. > Yuffie: (Drops down to the floor) Don't worry, Cloud, I'll get yer > sword!!! (Hops all the way to the Highwind) Taekwon: Real kids do not go hoppedy-skip unless they're on drugs. > Cait Sith: This is all too much .... > Reno: (Still drinking beer) Matt: I would be too. Terin: obviously Reno's combat training is yet to kick in. > Rufus: Reno!!!! Gimme your beer bottle!!! Taekwon: [Rufus] That's right, in the middle of a crisis situation, I'm going to... get drunk. DS: Sounds fun. > Reno: (Drunk) Nooooooooo, this is MY BEER!!!!!! > Rufus: Dammit, Reno, this is no time for a drink!!!! DS: I think this is a perfect time for a drink. > Rude: (Shoots the middle of Jenova's strange body) > Jenova: Ow! > Rude: Darn ... (Shoots Reno's hand) > Reno: OOOHOOOWW!!!! Taekwon: Your aim's improving, Rude. Now try for the head. > (Beer bottle goes soaring into Rufus' hand) > Rufus: Yes!! (Breaks it over Jenova's tentacle and stabs it repeatedly) Matt: [Rufus] Stitch that, Jimmy! > Jenova: OH GOD!!! (Drops Rufus) > Rufus: (Runs out of the Shinra mansion) Terin: [Rufus] Run away, run away! Matt: [Rufus] I'm ensuring the safety of the command element. > Scarlet: CHICKEN!!!! > Tifa: I'm sorry about that fighting, Aeris... > Elena: Yeah, me too... > Aeris: Oh, it's alright.... Matt: [Aeris] Even though you did call me a slut. > Yuffie: (Scammers back in with Cloud's sword in her teeth) Taekwon: She must have *great* bridgework! > Cloud!!! > (Throws the sword at Cloud) > Cloud: (Catches it) Yes!! (Slices the tentacle off and falls to the > floor) Limit Break!!!! Matt: SUPREME DELETE KEY! Taekwon: HOLY EXPLOSION! Terin: ATOMIC FIREBALL! DS: BIG ASS BLAST! > (Glows and his sword starts to spark and slices all of the tentacles off) Terin: It slices! It dices! DS: I want one of those. > Jenova: You made me mad!!! Taekwon: [King Arthur] What are you gonna do, bleed on me? > Sephiroth: KILL THEM!!! > Hojo: Oooooh-hh-h... (Wakes up) What the hell?! Terin: This must look like a typical day at the office for him. > Jenova: TRANS...FORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [All make transformers noise.] > (The Shinra mansion starts to rumble and everyone gazes at the Jenova > creature .... It grows arms and a body sprouts out of the bottom of the > head-thing and grows legs to support itself and thousands more tentacles > grow out of it's back) Taekwon: Well there goes the effects budget. > Jenova: HAA!!!!!! (Energy explodes out of it and destroys the floor of > the mansion, everyone falls into its huge basement) DS: That's a long way down. Not to mention it's mostly solid rock. Matt: They probably landed on something soft, liek Hojo's head. > Barret: Shoot da' damn thing!!!!! (Fires at Jenova) > Rufus: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! (Falls down and gets back up and starts firing > Jenova with his shotgun) Matt: [John Cleese] Bang! Shlip-shlop. > Vincent: (Fires at Jenova) > Rude: C'mon, Reno!!! (Shoots rapidly at Jenova) > Reno: (Shoots at Jenova) Oh, I'm too drunk... > Tseng: (Fires two guns at once at Jenova) DS: Somewhere, Chow Yun Fat is crying. > Elena: (Fires at Jenova) > Cloud: (Confronts Sephiroth in the basement's secret laboratory) You > bastard. Matt: [Sephiroth] That's me! > Sephiroth: (Masamune materializes in hand) Happy Valentine's Day, > Cloud ... (Chucks a Valentine card at him) > Cloud: (Slices the card into scrap) It's over for you, Sephiroth!!! > (Rushes Sephiroth, swinging the sword) > Sephiroth: (Slashes at Cloud, hitting his sword and continues to swing > and jab at him) > (Clang, clang, clang went the swords) Terin: Intense swordfighting action here, folks. > Sephiroth: (Stabs Cloud in the shoulder) > Cloud: Argh... > Sephiroth: (Rips the Masamune out of Cloud's shoulder) Touche'! Taekwon: Cliche. DS: Hey, watch it. Shoulder wounds can be fatal, you know. Voice: No way, you are *not* going there. DS: Aww... > Cloud: (Slices at Sephiroth's forehead) > Sephiroth: AAAHHHH!!!!! (His blood flies onto a wall) Taekwon: And the blood goes spurting out, pssshhht, in slow motion. > Cloud: (Huffs and puffs) > Sephiroth: (Wipes blood off his face, but it continues to run down his > face) Fool ... (Rips his over coat off and shoulder guards off, > revealing his musclar body) DS: Woo... > This shall be our final battle .... Matt: [Sephiroth] One shall stand and one shall fall. > Cloud: So be it... I'll never forgive you, Sephiroth .... Terin: You did earlier, but hey. > Sephiroth: DIE!!!!!!!!! (Rushes Cloud) > Cloud: (Jumps behind Sephiroth and pulls his hair) JERK!!!! Terin: Cat fight! Cat fight! [They all stare at him] What? [Pause] Oh. > Sephiroth: OW!!!!! You fight like a girl!!! (Chucks his shoe at Cloud) Taekwon: [Austin Powers] A shoe? Who throws a shoe? > Cloud: OW!!! (Falls over and finds a Materia orb) Matt: How convenient. Taekwon: Must've tripped over a plot contrivance. > Hey a Summon > Materia!!! (Picks it up and shoves it into his sword slot) LOVE > ARROWS!!!!!! > (Cloud vanishes and Cupid appears, firing millions of arrows at > Sephiroth) DS: [James Earl Jones] I'm going to be sick. > Cupid: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU BASTARD!!!! (Vanishes and Cloud > reappears) Terin: The dialogue here is so bad, it's painful. > Sephiroth: YEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWOHOHOHOH!!!!! (Runs out of the lab) > Cloud: (Chases Sephiroth) > Sephiroth: Mommy!!!! Matt: [Sephiroth, whiny] I want one! > Jenova: (Riddled with bullet holes) What is honey?! You look like a > pocrupine!!!! Taekwon: [Sephiroth] And I feel like a pin cushion! > Cloud: HEART BREAK!!!!!! (Vanishes and Cupid reappears) > Cupid: (In ninja suit) HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! (Throws millions of > razor-sharp hearts at Jenova, slicing it into itty-bitty pieces) Matt: [Stan] Dude, this is pretty ****ed up right here. > Jenova: NO!!!! (Head falls into Sephiroth's arms) DS: So this is FF7 does X The Movie, huh? > Cupid: (Vanishes and Cloud reappears) > Sephiroth: It's not over yet!!! Matt: No, but I can hear the fat lady tuning up outside. > (Shinra and Avalanche surround Sephiroth) > Everybody: Oh, yes it is... > Sephiroth: Eeep... > > (Everything was back to normal Taekwon: I suppose that's a relative term. > that night and Avalanche enjoys their own Valentine's party) DS: Never mind what happened to Sephy and Jenova anyway. > Cloud: (Walks over to Tifa) Here's a Valentine for you. (Hands it to > Tifa) > Tifa: Oh, Cloud, thank you!! (Reads it) Will you be me Valentine? Of > course I will! (Hugs Cloud) Terin: Urk! This is so sweet, I want to puke! Taekwon: This is from the guy who watched Sailor Moon? Terin: Shut up! > Cloud: Glad you like it, I gave one to Aeris and Yuffie too. DS: To Yuffie? Who'd like that little nut? > Tifa: WHAT??!?!?! Matt: Ooh, watch it. She's gonna go postal. > Cloud: So they wouldn't feel un-loved.... > Tifa: Grrrrrrrrr ... I'M YOUR WOMAN!!!! (Towers over Cloud, with red, > glowing eyes) Terin: I haven't seen anyone do that since... my last date. > Cloud: Um ... heh, heh .... Happy Valentine's Day ...? > > Return to the Library? All: No! > Return to the main page? [DS leaps up from the couch, yelling. She grabs the TV, spins around, and hurls it out the window with a crashing of glass. They all crowd over to the window and peer out.] Terin: I'm impressed. Matt: I hope there was no-one on that bus. Taekwon: At least no-one we know or care about. Voice: So guys, what did you think? Matt: Duck for cover! DS: [Calm] Well. [Yelling] It was the biggest heap of rubbish I have ever seen in my life, and that includes all of my broither's crap tapes! The characters were about as moronic as the writing, but that's okay, since the storyline made them both look sterling! [Pants] Terin: Well... Yeah. What she said. Matt: Well, everyone was so groosly out of character, that it was funny. Or rather would have been, if the story wasn't so goddamn painful. Taekwon: You know, it's almost as if our enemies wanted us to see this stuff. [Lenghty pause] Terin: Say where are they, anyway? Matt: Uh-oh. Let's get outta here. [Taekwon walks over to the door and tries to pull it open. After a struggle, he yanks the door open, revealing a wall of furniture in the doorway.] DS: We'll never get through that! Terin: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm outta here. Care to join me, honey? DS: Out of here? Sure. Terin: Just hold on. [DS stands behind Terin and holds onto him tightly. He gives Matt the finger, then they both vanish.] Matt: Bastard. So how do we gewt out of here? Taekwon: Allow me. [He pulls out a huge scarey-looking pistol and blasts the doorway. The door, doorway, furniture and most of the wall vanish ina HUGE explosion.] Matt: What the hell...? Taekwon: The miracles of Mega-Damage (TM). Matt: Natch. I gotta get me one of those things. Taekwon: Yeah. Whatever. [Holsters pistol] Let's go before the cleaners arrive. Matt: Cool. Y'know, Tifa reminds me of my girlfriend... Taekwon: You are one lucky bastard. [They leave] [The screen goes blank] Voice: How am I gonna explain this when the budget comes up? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dan's Sister & Terin Copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Taekwon Doe & Matt Brady Copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Max Fauth (Jinas) Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics, MSTing site and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis) Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Soooo ... You finally changed your ways? > Sephiroth: Ah, yup ... > Cloud: Goood .... Well ... eh, see you ...around.... > Sephiroth: ... Yeah, OK....