Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ As we all know, 70 is a rude number. So what better way to celebrate our 70th MSTing than with a "special edition" of one of the worst fanfics we've ever [Chris Jericho voice] *ever* done. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. "Fate of the Children" and all editing, lighting, packaging, hair styles, promotional consideration, lack of continuity, music, lyrics, tonal construction, linear notes, timbre, pitch, duration, intensity, basin, tub and toilet bowl, polarity, magnetic field, shipping, shrink wrapping, deli tray, Miles's toooo sweet pecs, you are a child of the universe no less than the trees, wango tango, locust, bean gum, the fighting Arnovich brothers, mother, jugs and speed copyright Tsunami (5th). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A small, plastic Christmas tree is sitting on the coffee table, and there are ratty tinsel streamers hanging from the roof, as well as a tattred "Merry Christmas" banner] [Rick and Rebecca enter] Rebecca: I see what you mean. It's not pretty. Rick: That's Dan's fault. He decided to save money by re-using the decorations from last year. Rebecca: Never mind that they were all being thrown out because they looked like crap. Rick: You know Dan. Rebecca: Regrettably. [Dan and Tsuneo enter] Dan: So what do you think of the decorations, guys? Tsuneo: They're crap. Rebecca: Total crap. Dan: I knew you'd like 'em. Rebecca: Did he just hear a word we said? Tsuneo: Evidently not. Rick: Say... um, can I ask a question? Dan: Shoot. Rick: Does anyone mind getting a seriously crappy video for Christmas? Rebecca: Yes we do. Rick: Damn. Scratch that one off. Tsuneo: Care to explain? Rick: One of the other guys at work had an ultra expensive OVA made of his rampantly unsuccessful comic, "Battle Nun Arabella". Dan: I know that comic. It's about a nun in a crop-top and g-string with a big sword who goes around fighting the Nazi Killer Sex Death Hate. It's pretty lame even by the standards that I rate comics. Rebecca: That is dire. Tsuneo: I wish you were making that summary up, but I know you aren't. Rick: Nope. Now the video didn't sell either, so we've got a quarter-bsquillion copies left at the office. Dan: You tried turning them into bookends? Rick: That's an awful lot of bookends. Rebecca: So what are you doing with them? Rick: Nothing. They sit around in big cardboard boxes and take up space. Tsuneo: You could build a house out of them, I guess. Dan: Worst-taste house in the universe. Rick: Well, we do have enough left... Rebecca: Sell 'em as novelty drink coasters. Dan: Awfully big coasters. Tsuneo: Give a free video away with each comic. Rebecca: Give a free comic away with each video. Rick: That'll work. Dan: The comics have to sell first. Rick: And all our best-selling lines refuse to be associated with this one. Dan: Nuts. Do they have action figures of that comic? Rick: Yeah, but- Dan: So give a free video away with each figure. Rick: The figures don't sell either. Dan: Damn. But I thought there was a huge market for scantily clad huge breasted action figures. Rick: There is. Dan: So what's the problem? Rick: There's lots of scantily clad huge breasted figures on the market. And they actually sell. Dan: Damn. Rick: Maybe he could armour his car with them. Tsuneo: Why would he need to armour his car? Rick: You've never actually seen this tape. Rebecca: Ouch. Dan: Does it have any selling points at all? Rick: Gainax did the animation. Dan: Hot damn. Tsuneo: I'll take that as a no. Dan: And she does wear a crop-top, right? Rick: Well, yeah. Dan: I think you might have one less in stock, buddy. Rick: I... I won't say a thing. Rebecca: That's for the best. Rick: Only 39 billion to go. And I don't have to go Christmas shopping for Dan. Voice: Morning, guys. Rebecca: Hi there, voice. How's things in disembodied land? Voice: I'll pretend you didn't say that. Tsuneo: OK, it's the Christmas season. I know you have an extra load of pain for us. Voice: Very funny. Dan: So out with it. Voice: Brace yourselves. [They all look worried] Dan: Oh-oh. Voice: You might want to sit down first. [They sit; Dan and Tsuneo on the forwards-facing couch, Rebecca and Rick on the other one. Rebecca is next to Tsuneo on the corners.] Rebecca: So what is it, already? Voice: Well.. You remember "Fate of the Children?" [They all glare evily] Voice: That's a yes, then. Rebecca: Don't tell me there's a sequel. Voice: Not quite, no. It's a special edition. A re-write. [Rick jumps up from his chair, and begins glowing blue as if he had a battle aura] Rick: Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhh! Rebecca: Gee. That Kim Zee Action Wear really does work. Tsuneo: Sit down Rick, you look like an idiot. [He sits] Voice: Anyway, I've been promised that it's better than the old one. Rebecca: Yeah, right. We'll see about that. [The TV switches on] > Fate of the Children (Special edition) > By Tsunami (5th) > Authour's notes: > Hi all. All: Hi. > You might reember this fanfc from a while back. Dan: Do we have to? > When I wrot it, I > thort it was good and that I was doinbg onre of the Evangelion charactretrs > good by it. Rick: Oh yeah, I can see that. [Asuka] What? You dare turn the great Asuka into a weepy lesbian? WA-TAK! Tsuneo: Getting started early? > Then it was msted by Emler Studios, Rebecca: Should we feel honored that she mentioned us, or embarrassed that she misspelled us? Dan: Um... Both? > and I got to see how bad it actusally > was. It was a bit of a lessson in humuility to me. Rick: And one in pain for us. > So, as a way oif saying "sorry" to anyone whom mite have seen the old version, > i'd like to present this: the "special edition" of Fate of the children. Tsuneo: Wow. You know, it's actually quite flattering to know we've influenced authours like this. Rebecca: Don't say that until you've read it. > This fixes a lotr of the problems of the original fic.. Tsuneo: I guess the grammar and spelling weren't amongst them. > It also has a few new bits in it. (see if you can spot them!) Rick: Well look at that, they've digitally added Aoba to a few scenes. > I'd also loke to apologies to anyone who red "Hellstrom Evangelion" becaus > I reccpmendede it. It's actually quite bad. Dan: Well there's a turnaround for you. Tsuneo: What about those of us who were forced to read "Hellstorm Evangelion?" Do we get an apology? Voice: No. > This replaces episdoe 17 to 26 and the movies because EVA wasn't so good > afrer that. Tsuneo: It was kind of over and all. > Episiode 17-18: The quality of life. > The teacher cleared his throat and looked around. Rick: [Teacher] Roll call! Tom Dyron? Dan: [Tom] Hell yeah! Rick: [Teacher] Present. DJ Croft? Dan: [DJ] Consider yourselves lucky that I have graced you all with my magnificent presence. Rick: [Teacher] Present. Jim Beckett? Dan: [Jim] I'm lurking over here, sir. Rick: [Teacher] Present. Jon Ellis? Dan: [Jon] ... Rick: [Teacher] Present. John Baren? Dan: [John] I'm special. > "Well, miss Ayanamai is absent as usual, Dan: I see the teacher's given up and gotten used to it. > so is Mr. Aida. Rebecca: And this is a bad thing, because? Rick: Everyone, pack up and run away before he gets here. > We'd better get > started." Up the back of the class, Shinji said "hey, where's > Kensuke?" Tsuneo: Starring in a million parody fics, it seems. > "He's off to see some battleship or somehting I > heard." Toji replied. Dan: [Toji] Like I care. > "Mr. Suzuhara! Pay attention!" Hikari > giggle as Toji lokked flustered. The teacher coninued "now we > have a new student today, Tsuneo: Here we go again. Rebecca: [Maniacal Naga laugh] Tsuneo: Not them! Rick: You do that too well, Rebecca. > from America. Dan: Or France. Or England. Or both. > Please make welcome Lisa Foster." Dan: [Asuka, bored] Ra, ra, Lisa's the king of the world. Ra. > A new girl entered the room, wearing her sailor suit. Dan: [Lisa] Whiny avatar power! Make up! > She was fairly tall > and had short, neat dark blue hair She has a broad smile and bowed, saying Tsuneo: [Lisa] I just changed tense in a single sentence. How cool am I? > "Great to meet you!" Rick: I wish the feeling was mutual. Dan: Come on guys, lighten up. I mean, she's already apologized. Tsuneo: I lay off when I see some improvement. > Toji said "wow, she's a babe!" but a bit too loud, as the whole class heard. Rebecca: Toji's incredible social gaffs file, number 206. Rick: He'd better watch it, or CLT's Hikari will dismember him. > Hikari looked disgusted at him. Rebecca: [Hikari] Eew, boy germs. > Lisa came to sit near Asuka who > was grumbling aboutb Toji's behaviour. Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare invade the great Asuka's personal body space? WA-TAK! Dan: I thought we weren't going to re-use the jokes from last time. Rick: Come on, that was when I did my first ever WA-TAK from Asuka. > "Guy's are always like that, " Rebecca: What, male? Tsuneo: Except in Gundam Wing, that is. > she whispered to asuka and they both giggled. > "Now that we have met the nuew student, I'd like to get bavck tyo the lesson" Tsuneo: First one to say "Second Impact" dies. > the teacher sad. "All students open your books to page fifteen. Today we > will be discussing the second impact" [They all break out laughing, except for Tsuneo who holds up a sign saying "I hate my life"] > "Here we go again" Tsuneo: Tell me about it. > Asuka said to Lisa. "You better get used to it. Its all he sayd" Rick: Oh my god, she's doing it for us! Tsuneo: ... > "Really?" Lisa replied. Asuka nodded. "Wow" lia replied. > A huge explosion occured in North America, Tsuneo: The Pokemon movie was released, and the cuteness reached critical mass. Rick: Another gosh darned powerful villain leveled the entire Marvel cast. Dan: James Cameron unveiled Titanic 2. Rebecca: As Ran went on the rampage, again. Dan: Ouch. I double dog dare anyone to get that. > throwing NERV into a state of panic. Rick: Nevada? That's a state of panic. > The second NERV branch there had vanished from the face of the Earth. Dan: Again? Rebecca: Oh, don't worry. A couple of years from now, they'll probably find it under a rock. > Maya reported that according to their time schedule, Dan: Matlock was on, and Fuyutski had vanished. > they were tresting the new Rick: Progressive grenade? > s2 engin. Ritsuko summarised that there must have been a design flaw with the engine Tsuneo: You turn it on and it blows up. That's a design flaw and a half. > and it was gone for good. Later, Ritsuko, Maya, Misato and Gendo were in a > meeting. Rebecca: Or at least that's what Gendo claimed it was. > "So I have to conclude that the S2 engine is flawed, and that we'll > never be able to use them," Ritsuko finished. Rick: Hey, it's not like they ever use them in Delta Invasion anyway. > "That puts us back at square one. What about the EVAs that were > stationed there?" Misato asked. Dan: They're on their way here for god-girl installation. > "Unit 03 and Unit 04 were both in the first American branch for > final testing. They were going to be transported for S2 > installation befor the accident happened." Maya read off her report. Rick: So why weren't they? Rebecca: [Maya] They got lost in the mail. > "At least we still have both of them. Dan: Hey, is Unit 03 gonna be black and red this time? I wanna see if she fixes that. > Have them transferred here for > final testing and deployment. "We may need them soon." Gendo said. Tsuneo: Foreshadowing! > Later, Ritsuko and Misatro were talking. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Of course, as soon as the god-girl arrives, we'll have practically nothing to do, so we might as well head off now. > "So what's gonna happen when they get here?" Misato asked Ritsuko. Tsuneo: EVA-03 will go berserk, and Lisa will save the day. Simple. > "We'll conduct the final activation tests and go from there" Ritsuko > replied. > "But who'll be piloting them?" Misto asked. Rick: [Announcer] Good question? who will pilot the new EVAs? Will it be Toji, the tough one? Will it be Kensuke, the nerdy one? Or Hikari, the... Other one? > ***** > "Lunchtime at last!" Toji bellowed out, whipping out his Dan: GAH! Don't do that! > food and chowing down. Dan: Phew. > "What?" Asuka screamed out from across the room "You didn't cook our > lunches?" Rick: [Shinji] Well, I seem to recall it was a certain red-haired psychopath's turn. > Shinji whined an apology as usual, but Asuka wasn't satisfied. Rebecca: It takes an awful lot to satisfy Asuka. > She bellowed at him until someone put a hand on her shoulder. Dan: [Asuka] Eew, get that thing off me! > "Don't worry, you can have mine," Lisa said,smiling and holding out her > lunch box to Asuka. Rick: [Lisa] I'd only puke it up in the toilet afterwards anyway. > "I never eat it all, anyway." Dan: [Asuka] So why do you bring a six-course banquet to school for lunch anyway? Rick: [Lisa] It's a great talking point. > ""thanks" Auska sayed, and took the lunch blox from Lisa. "THis is good" she > said as she began eating lisa's lunvch. Rebecca: Of course. Don't you know, Lisa can make the best lunch in the whole universe. > "I said ypou can only have somne of it" Lisa said quietly, but Auska wasn't > listewning. She contineued to eat lisa's lunch. Tsuneo: I guess someone else can't tell her from Lina. Dan: [Asuka] Must have more food! > Then Shinj butted in. "Can I have some too? I don't haveany lunch > either!" "It's up to Asuka," Lisa sdaid. Rick: Somehow, I just don't think you're gonna get any, Shin-boy. > "No! You didn't make any, so you go hungry!" Asuka bellowed at him Dan: [Shinji] Well you didn't make any either... Rebecca: [Asuka] Shut up! > then She and Lisa turned to leave the room. Rick: Ladies and gentlemen, Asuka has left the building. > "Looks like the newlyweds are fighting," Toji remarked. Dan: Does Toji suddenly have a death wish or something? > "Oh, shut up!" Asuka. Lisa and Shinji all yelled. > On the roof of the school, the two girls are talking. Rebecca: [Asuka] So anyway, I wanted his sword of light, but he wasn't gonna give it to me... Dan: [Lisa] Ah, Asuka? Are you okay? > "So, you're from America," Asuka asked. "Yeah, born and bred in the good > ole USA." Lisa replied. All [Singing]: She's American made... American made... > "But you speak Japanese so well," Asuka commented. Dan: Of course, she's an uberkid. > "So do you," Lisa replied. Asuka looked surprised, and Lisa continued. "I > heard you were born in Germany." Asuka smiled. Tsuneo: [Lisa] The fairies told me. > "I was raised in Germany, but I was born here. I'm fluent in both > German and Japanese." Rick: Not according to ADV, you aren't. > Lisa sighed, looking a bit sad. "Why'd you come here," asuka said. Dan: Parking's good. Rick: Rent is low. > "My family moved here for business reasons," Lisa replied. Rebecca: [Lisa] Something about selling me. > It's all so new to me, I'm not sure where to go or what to do." Rebecca: Well, "go" in the room labelled "Ladies," and... Rick: Thank you. > "Yeah, this place can be pretty dumb," Dan: The Toji content in the air is very high today. Rebecca: [Asuka] Wait till you meet Kensuke, that'll just prove it. > Asuka said with a smirk, "But stick with me. I'll take good care of you." Rick: [Asuka] MUAHAHAHAHA! Damn, did I do that out loud? > Lisa smiled and nodded. "Thank you. I'd like that a lot. Tsuneo: You don't know her very well, do you? > Later on, Asuka was told to take some papers to Rei's place. Tsuneo: How come Toji doesn't get to do it? Dan: Asuka's been extra naughty. Rick: You know, I'd have thought sending Asuka to Rei's place would be a recipe for disaster. Rebecca: You make it sound like the teacher's paying attention to his students or something. Tsuneo: WA-TAK! > Lisa decided to walk with her, to see more of the town. Dan: And Asuka's tight little butt. Rick: [Lisa] Does everyone live in a place like this? Rebecca: [Asuka] Nah, this is a classy suburb. > They knocked, then entered when no-one is here. Tsuneo: So if there's no-one there, how could they enter? > "Well," said Asuka, "This is where wonder girl lives." Dan: Really? I thought this was the tomb of Qualopec. Tsuneo: [Asuka] Damn, wrong place again. > "Wonder girl?" Lisa asked, inquiring about the name Asuka had used. Rick: Yeah, Wonder Woman when she was young. > "Well, she just seems to be good at everything." Lisa hmmed. Tsuneo: [Asuka] Well she's certainly better than you when it comes to personal relationships. > "I'd like to meet her." Rick: You don't so much meet Rei as experience her. > On cue, the door opened and Rei walked in. "Oh, uh, hi, Rei." Asuka > said, startled. "This is Miss Ayanami?" Lisa asked of the blue-haired > girl. "You don't have to botrher with Miss Ayanami, it's just Rei." > Asuka said back. Rei walked past the two of them, ignoring them. "This > is the new schoolgirl, Lisa," asuka said. Rei ignored her. "She joined > out class today," Asuka said. Rei ignored her. "I'm very pleased tom > meet you, Rei." Lisa said. Rei ignored her. Rick: Even in the special edition, Rei still gets the best lines. > "She's alway like this," Asuka said aside to Lisa. Rebecca: [Asuka] Except when we play hockey. Then she's a real menace. > At that pint, Dan: Pint? Is it time for the beer already? > Rei pulled off her dress and started to undress. Rick: Service! Tsuneo: Of course. Any scene in a fanfic with Rei involves her getting naked. Dan: You make it sound like that's a bad thing. > "Hey! what are you doing?" Rebecca: [Rei] Giving the audience what they want. Rick: [Austin Powers] Yeah baby, yeah! Dan: Hey, is this going to be like in the movies, or in the series? Tsuneo: What's the difference? Dan: Nipples. > Asuka asked. Rei ignored her. "Hey, answer me!" shee needled. Rei > ignored her. "It's very rude to ignore us liek that, "Asuka continued. Rick: But we're gonna do it anyway. > "It's rude to barghe into someone's room." Rei said, flatly. Rebecca: That one hurt. > Lisa blushed and gaped, then looked at the ground as Rei turned to face > them, giving them a blank stare. Tsuneo: [Rie] Just wait until my agent hears about this. > Asuka stared almost in shock. Rebecca: [Asuka] How does she get her waist that thin? > "I- I',m > sorrty," Lisa said, quietly. "We didn't mean to intrude - we just > needed to deliver something from school." Dan: So why not shove it through the mail slot? Rick: Mail slot's crammed already. Rebecca: Let's see... K-Mart catalogue... Magazine subscription offers... Innovations catalogue... And a dead cat? > Rei stared at them. "Come > on, let's go ", asuka said, pulling Lisa away. Dan: [Lisa] Can't we stay a little longer? > "Uh... what?" Lisa said as she gaped at Rie. Rick: [Lisa] Puppies... > "Let's go allready!" AUska said as she pulled lisa out of the door. Rebecca: Sorry folks, show's over. Rick: [Barbrady] Move along people, there's nothing to see here. Dan: Yes there is! > ***** > The next day, Toji was called to the principal's office, > and was very depressed. Rick: I guess his grades are that good. Rebecca: Well, if the teacher- [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] What? Tsuneo: Don't play innocent. > The next day, asuka left early, in a huff. Dan: She then took a cab instead. > She was stalking to school, Rick: Crowbar in hand, decapitated teddy bear in the other. > rather annoyed, when someone approached her on the street. Rebecca: And he's wearing a very large trenchcoat. > "Hey there, what's the matter," Lisa asked her. "Nothing." She siad. "Come > on, what is it." Tsuneo: [Asuka] I'm caught in a crappy fanfic! > "Well... Shinji Rei and I are the Evangelion pilots." You are?" Lisa asaid, > surprised. Dan: I'm surprised Asuka hasn't bragged it already. > "Yeah. And as ifd workign with that weenie shinji and lifeless > Rei wasn't bad enough, Rebecca: And then there's Shinji's lifeless weenie. Tsuneo: Oh that was really off. > now we're gonna have to work with that damned Toji." Rick: Goddamned Toji, can't stand him. > "Yow. that's gonna be difficult." Lisa said, slowing down. "Yeah," siad > Asuka. "He's such a jerk and all." Dan: Just remember: It could be Kensuke. > "You'll get used to it, I'm sure." "Wheather I > like it or not, you mean." "Well it can't be much worse than working with > Shinji!" Lisa said with a smile. Rick: And you've known him for how long? > "Of coarse it is!" Ausak snapped. "Shinji may be a wimp but toji's such a > big pain!" > "I didn't knoew that. Lisa replied. "But that's no reason not to liek him!" Dan: That's every reason not to like him. > "It is too!" Ausak replied. "He's a pain in the but and so are you!" She > stormed off to school in a huff. Rick: Man, Lisa's getting ragged on. Tsuneo: Score one to Asuka. Rebecca: You watch, it'll just go the same way. > ***** > Pressure and power built up in the two EVAs, both with their pilots inside. > Unit 3 was black with red patches, All: GAH! Tsuneo: Yes, but does it have an X-Com badge or a stupid red hawk. > and unit 4 was silver with black patches. Rick: Ooh, shiny thing. > They both had the same design of head; two eyes and a large jutting jaw. Rebecca: It's Dan on a bad morning. Dan: Very funny. Rebecca: Okay, it's Dan on a good morning. Happy? Rick: Sid Vicious? Aack! > Ritsuko, Misato and the techs looked on, Dan: [Misato] Twenty says Unit 03 goes mad first. Rick: [Ritsuko] You're on. > glancing at the monitors as everything > was alright for now. Tsuneo: Enjoy it while it lasts. Dan: Although the foreboding meter was going off the scale. > A few unusual readings began to show up anmd Ritsuko was > conserned. Then blue waves of energy crackled over Unit 04. Rick: Unit 04 harnesses the power of "OOOHHH!!!" > "Shut down all systenms! something's wrong!" Ritsuko called out, but she was > to late. Dan: [Ritsuko] Unit 04's BO is flaring up again! > Unit 03's mouth opened and it roared out loud. The whole testing facility > was blasted to pieces. Rebecca: [Misato, weakly] I win. > The three other EVAs were dispatched to the Area. Rick: Number 51? Rebecca [Sam]: It's the Rhombus Millitary Enclave. It's totally top secret. Dan [Max]: Why? Rebecca [Sam]: The government feels silly saying "Rhombus". Dan [Max]: I'm surprised they can bring themselves to say "enclave". > Shinji was conserned > because he didn't know what the angel was, Rick: Could it be... an angel? Dan: It's not an Invador and its not a Demon. What else could it be? Rick: A giant freerange citrus fruit? > but Asuka told him "It's just an > angel We've gotta destroy it because it's our job." Tsueno: [Asuka] And we don't get paid otherwise. > Rei said nothing, of course. All: Of course. > The three of them split up Rebecca: Split up, we can do more damage that way. > and surrounded the area. Auska was the first to see it Tsuneo: At last, continuity with the original series. Dan: Eh? Tsuneo: In the original version of the fic, Rei got trashed first. > and she was amazed by what she saw. It looked like a black and white EVA, Dan: That had shed its red patches, for some reason. > but with very long arms. And it had no cord behind it. > "Got in himmel" She said, Rick: Aack! Asuka's speaking fanboy German! Tsuneo: Of course, Asuka was demolished in lkess than a second, but never mind. > then the Angel attacke.d Becuase it used to be an eva, it knew hpow to defeat one. Tsuneo: Certainly not with Brain Powered. > It immedately jumped on her eva, and riped the > cord out of the back before it could react. Auska tried to fight back, but the > angels long arms made it hard to fight bacj. Dan: Never mind describing the battle. Rick: This is almost as good as the fight scenes in Delta Invasion. Almost. > The angel picked up Auska's eva > and salmnmed it repeatedly into the moiuntian until Auska was knocked out. Dan: [Bardiel] Who's next? > A minute later, it attacked Rie. Tsuneo: Thank god Rei's safe. > It flung itself back onto her EVA and > started grappling it. It fused with the EVA's left arm, so Gendo ordered it blown > off. The angel left Unit 00 as it was no longer interested. Rebecca: That was a beautiful retelling of that intense scene. Rick: Really? Rebecca: No. > Next it went after Unit 01. Dan: Hey look, Shinji's gonna get tossed around like a rag doll. > Shinji held up hisn rifle but refused to > fire becaus ethere was someone inside the monster. Tsuneo: Asuka didn't have that kind of problem. Rick: Only because she knew it was Toji. > It extended its arms > and grabbed unit 01 around it's troat, tossing it around like a rag > doll Dan: See? > then chokeslamming it onto the side of the mountain. Rebecca: [Singing] It's the Big Show! > It kicked Unit 01 a few times Rick: Kicking them while they're down? Dan: Best time, sir. > then yanked out it's power cord. Shinji was > stunend and couldn't do anything Rebecca: The story of his life. > so it ignored him as he ran out of > power. The Angel began to choke the EVA. > Then another shape appeared, leaping over a ridge Tsuneo: Appearing suddenly without so much as a warning, or even an establishing shot, it's the Uberkid and her EVA, posing up a storm! > and slamming ibnto the angel. Rick: Whoops... Didn't quite plan it like that. > It was Unit 04! Dan: What an unexpected development. Tell someone who cares. > It knocked the angel off and grabvbed it in an armlock form behind. > "Get ready to fire," yell a voice from inside the EVA. "I'm gonna ehect > the entry plug!" Rick: And how do you plan on doing that? Tsuneo: She just *can.* Don't ask, okay? > Unit 04's eyes then glowed and the fibers around the > angel's plug shredded and Topji's plug shot out and parachuted away. Dan: Looks like Toji's blasting off again. > The angel twisted around and grabnbed Unit 04, throwing it off and > away from it. Unit 04 chrash landed and was out of power as it didn't > have a cord attatched, Rebecca: Some uberkid you turned out to be, getting whupped by the 13th angel. > but it's pilot still had communications. "Shoot > it now!" the pilot yrelled to Shinja Rick: Shinja? Wasn't he in Hellstorm? > as the angle had turned its back. Tsuneo: So it was an angle of revolution? > Shinji let out a yell and fired her bazooka, Rick: Her bazooka? Rebecca: Shinji has more problems than we thought. Tsuneo: No, the authour's just copied huge chunks of text from the original that were meant to be for Asuka. Rick: I preferred Rebecca's explanation. > blasting away a huge chunk > of the angel's back. It roared in pain then turned back to him. he fired > again, blowing off its arm. Dan: Winged ya, you bastard! > The angel ran at him and hee threw away his bazooka, drawing the prog knife. > The Angel was right on top of him but she slashed out her knife, Rebecca: Shinji has *big* problems. > slicing into it's neck. The Angels's blood flowed out and it was dead. Rick: It died in a puddle of its own gore. > Shinji walked his EVA over to unit 04 as the recovery crews arrived. > Toji had been rescued safe and sound, but he didn't know who the other pilot > was. Tsuneo: Think about it. You got a new student the other day. the pilot of EVA-04 has a female voice. Put 2 and 2 together, and you get- Dan: Kensuke! > The entrey plug ejected and openeed up. Shinji peered at the girl inside, Rick: [Shinji] Wow, she's stacked! > wearing a black and silver plugsuit. Rebecca: You could go a long way as a luchadore in that thing. > "Hey," yelled out Lisa 9in her plugsuit "I'm the new pilot!" as she victory > -signed shinji and all of Nerf. Tsuneo: Ouch. Rick: So she victory-signed a sponge-firing toy gun? > Episode 19-20: The next stage. > The very next day, the five pilots were at NERV command, undergoing > sync tests. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] Tight rubber... Tsuneo: Okay, we can leave that one well alone now. > Toji, while he was still a pilot, was on reserve duty and > watching the tests withb Ritsuko, Maya and Misato. Rick: Can't they do sync tests without an EVA? Tsuneo: Yes. Rick: So why's Toji just watching? Tsuneo: Because. Rebecca: Could it be because he's just a lowly insignificant male? Tsuneo: In the original version, I would have said yes. > They commented that Lisa's sync rate was good for a beginner, Dan: At only 325%. > equal to Asuka's which was > now rising. Toji mentioned how much the two of them had been hanging > around together, Rick: Toji only noticed because he was hoping to see some two-girl action. > and they agreedf this was good for Asuka. After the > tests, Asuka and Lisa were talking in the change rooms. Rei was > getting changed, but they both ignored her. Dan: Oh look, Rei's losing her clothes again. Rick: [Lisa] Let me see! > "Why didn't you ever tell me you were a pilot?" Asuka asked. Rebecca: [Lisa] Well, if you'd let me get a word in edgeways... > "I was going to, but you seemed really annoyed. Dan: Oh, she's always like that. > I didn't want to give you more bad news." Lisa replied. Rick: [Lisa] Shall I tell her that I just ran over her cat? This may not be the best time. > "Bad news?" Asuka said. "It's great workinjg with another friend." Tsuneo: *Another* friend? Dan: [Asuka] Okay, it's great working with a friend, period. > "Well, Shinji always says how piloting the EVa is terrible." > "Don't listen to him, he's just a big whiner," Asuka saidf. "piloting > EVAs is really great." Rick: You get to suffer from and exclusive, personalised set of mental disorders. > "Kenske wants to be a polot to" Lisa said. "I can see why. It's a real good > thing" Rebecca: Never say "Kensuke," "pilot" and "good thing" at the same time. > Rei turned and left, but Lisa called after her. "Hey, we're going for > a burger afterwards. Wanna join us, Rei?" > "I don't eat mreat" Reai said, and she left. Dan: Shock! Rei doesn't like hamburgers! > God she's rude," Asuka said as Rei left. > "Don't worry, she'll lighten up some day," Lisa said. Rick: And that's a threat. Rebecca: [Lisa] I'll make her! > ***** > The two of them were at a roadside burger stand chatting Tsuneo: [Lisa] Do you know what they call a Big Mac in France? > when the city-wide alarms went off, announcing another Angel attack. Rick: Misato didn't have to phone him or anything. Dan: [Michael Buffer] And introducing the challenger, he is the right hand of God, the master of the extending arm and the crucifix blast, he is the physical incarnation of God's will and strength, the fourteenth angel, Zeruel! > shinji were already int he geofront, so he would be deployed first. Rick: Read: Shinji gets to die first. > Asuka and Lisa rushed to the Geofront and saw ther angel > approaching, being bombarded by missile fire with no effewct. [Rick & Rebecca start chanting "Goldberg"] > Lisa stopped dead in her tracks and muttered siomething. "What was that?" > Asuka asked. Dan: [Lisa] An angel. Rick: [Asuka] No shit there's a God damned angel! What do you think that is, destroying Nerv's defenses? Dan: [Lisa] Um... > "Nothing. This angel looks tough, they'll need out help. Rebecca: Well, it's kinda your job and everything. Tsuneo: Are you kidding? They only need to launch two EVAs at a time. Rebecca: You're still bitter about that last chapter of Delta Invasion. > Unit 1 was actiuvated. It charged into the battle with a bazooka and fired > at the immense angel as it decsended intot he geo-front, ignoring the shots > from Shinji's rifle as it came down. Rick: Didn't he have a bazooka? Rebecca: Looks like more copied text. Rick: Thought so. > Shinji rushed to where it as landing and swung with his enourmous polearm, Dan: And now he's changed weapon again. Rebecca: This really sucks as a special edition. > but rthwe angel wrapped one of its arms around the blade and picked it up. Tsuneo: This scene isn *really* Freudian. > Unit 1 held onto the halberd and was tossed around like a doll, Rick: Oh yeah, this is Fate of the Children all right. > and fell to the ground. Shiji was stunned. > Then Unit 0 appeared out of the ground. Dan: You reckon it's still got both its arms this time? Tsuneo: I wouldn't place any bets. > "Stop this Rei!" Gendo callede ou.t "Ypour eva is damaged!" Dan: I guess that means no. > You cannot stop this angel!" Rick: No, but she'll give it a suntan it'll never forget. > "I must stop it!" Rei said as her eva paicked up something Dan: An ugly potplant. Rick: A banana. Rebecca: Retrax. Tsuneo: A copy of Hobby Japan. That thing's lethal. > and charged at the angel. Dan: Amex at the ready. > "She's got an N2 mine!" Misato yelled! Rick: And she's not afraid to use it. > "STop it rei!" Gendo said. "You'll be killed!" Dan: [Gendo] That'll look wonderful on my resume. > "If I die, someone will rpelace me" Rei sayed as she attacked the angel. Tsuneo: Right episode, wrong place. > Her AT field penatraed the angel's at field. Rebecca: I hope she used protection. > THe mine went off, enveloping the two of them in a huge explosion. Rebecca: [Rei] There goes my damage deposit. > REI!" Gendo callee out. The explosion cleared. THe > angel was unharmed and EVA-00 was badlt damaged. Rick: Well that worked. > "I have failed" Rei said as the > Angel attacked her EVA. It sliced the EVA's head off, leaving it to crash > motiponless to the hground. Tsuneo: At least it's *trying* to keep continuity with the series. > The Angel then attacked the command center, ripping a hole in the side of it. Tsuneo: And this time, he isn't pausing for no discernable reason. > The massive angel stood in front of the commnand level and prerpared rto destroy it, Rick: [Zeruel] I'm smashing your command centre! Smash! > when EVA-02 bureat in through the wall anbd tackled the Angel. Dan: Spear! Spear! Rick: [Gendo] Couldn't you have used the hole the angel made? > THe two of them went ourtsaide to where EVA-04 was waiting. Rebecca: [Lisa] Come on, you two... I haven't got all day. > It immediately turned to unit 4 and > fired at it. Lisa skillfully avoided the blast as Asuka shot the angel from behind with > her bazookjas Dan: What's a bazookja? Rick: It's a kind of melon. Misato has two very big ones. > but to no effect. The angel ignored her, intent on destroying unit 4. [Rick, Dan and Rebecca wave flags saying "Go Zeruel"] > "Why is it doing this," Misato asked. Tsuneo: Reason? Must there always be a reason? > "It is to be exopected," Gendo said silently. Dan: [Gendo] If I say things like this, it'll cover for the fact that I haven't got a clue. > The angel got a hit on unit 4, knocking it down and blasting one of the legs to pieces. Rick: That's gonna leave a mark. > Lisa screamed in pain. Dan: Man, she's getting whacked. > Enraged, Asuka charged at the angel and leapton its back, stabbing her prog > knife into the angerl to nop effect. Rebecca: Okay wiseass, now what? > It wrapped an arm around her eva's head > and thew her away, then turned back to Lisa. Rick: [Zeruel] Hold on girls, you can only die one at a time. > "Hey, ugly!" Asuka yelled out. The angle turned to face her, Dan: [Zeruel] Do you mind? I'm busy over here. > with unit 02 holding a huge energy rifle. Tsuneo: Careful Asuka, or you'll have the wrath of God down on you. Literally. > She fired off an immense shot straight at the angel's > core, but a barrier blocked it. Dan: Well that achieved a lot. > "Asuka!" Lisa yelled out. You've got to focus your AT field!" Rick: Use the force, Luke! > She concentrated, extending one of her EVa's arms. Rebecca: Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows... Buried in the depths of time is where your power grows. I call upon thee, pledge myself to thee. Let the fools who stand before me be destroyed by the power that you and I posses. DRAGON SLAVE! Rick: What was that in aid of? Rebecca: I wanted to do it to the TV. > A flash shot from the hand Rick: In a stupid red and yellow costume. > and struck the angel, tearing one of it's arms off. Rebecca: Shoulder shot! [Tsuneo whacks her and Rick with a cushion] Tsuneo: No. We're not starting that again. Rick: Why'd you hit me then? Tsuneo: Preventative measure. Rick: Fine. [Muttred] Alive. Rebecca [Muttred]: Dead. > "Like that," she said, but was silenced > when the Angel blasted her EVA again and she passed out. Dan: Lisa did the J-O-B on the P-P-V. > "Lisa!" Asuka yelled out. She extended her EVA's arms, hand together, Rick: Got down on her knees and started whimpering. > and focused on the AT field. A streak of power shot from the end of > the arms and darted straight at the angel. Dan: KAMEHAMEHAMEHAHA! > THe shot hit the angel, bsadly damaging it. Tsuneo: Amazing! The Angel wasn't destroyed by the amazingly contrived AT field powers! What next? Shinji doing something? > The Angel fired back, and disabled Auskas EVA. Rebecca [Auska]: Well I have no further part to play in this. I think I'll go organise my stamp collection. > THen Unit 01 attacked the angel agin, tearing straight throug the AT field. > "What is it doing?!" Auska shouted as the EVA tore into The Angel, sending flesh > and blood flying. Dan: Sorry guys, looks like Hellstorm's taken over. > Then EVA 01's armour began to crack as the berast's eyes grew huge. Rick: [Stoned] Wow man, look at all the pretty colours. > Its jaws oipened and it bit straight into the angel's core. Tsuneo: Um... I don't think so. Okay, so everyone's trashed, but Shinji couldn't know that, since Unit 01's out of action. Secondly, he's not nearly in the kind of mental state he was in the original episode. If he isn't that distraught or angry, then he probably wouldn't merge with the EVA. Rebecca: So basically, the right thing happened but it shouldn't have. Tsuneo: Yep. I appreciate the gesture, though. > "THis is too much" Auska said and she fained. Dan: [Asuka] Waiter! Check please! > ***** > After the battle, the Reim Auksa and lisa woke up in the recovery room. Tsuneo: Um, Shinji? Wow, she's really going through with this whole story thing. Dan [Lisa], Rebecca [Asuka] & Rick [Rei]: I hate this place. > They were all fine except for Lisa who had a bandage around her head, > and were quickly dismiswsed. Rei walked out, Rebecca: [Rei] do you mind? I have valuable nothing to get on with. > but Asuka stayed to talk to Lisa. Rick: [Lisa] Well, we both got completely pounded. Dan: [Asuka] Yup. Ain't it fun? > "How did you know what to do?" Asuka asked. Dan: She spent years studying with Master Roshi. Rick: And I'm sure he spent years studying her. > "It just seemed right. I felt the AT field in my mind and felt the > EVA's power. How did you manage to do it so well?" > "I don't know," Asuka replied. "I think the EVA lieks me or something." Tsuneo: That's about as wrong for Asuka as it gets. > "Well then," Lisa smiled, at leaset it's got good taste." [They all snigger] > Asuka smiled and they both left. While walking home, Asuka asked Lisa > something. Rebecca: [Asuka] Lisa, could you get your hand off my butt before I rip your arm out of its socket? Dan: [Lisa, small voice] Yes. > "Lisa?" > "Hmm?" > "What we did today? Dan: Can I watch? Rebecca: [Sarcastic] Oh don't worry, Dan. That's only another chapter away. > With the AT fields and all? It kind of scares me." Rick: [Asuka] But fun anyway. I can't wait to blow up the school next time. Dan: [Teacher] It was fifteeen years ago, during Second Impact- Rick: [Asuka] AT field blast! Dan: [Teacher, weakly] Never mind... THUD! Tsuneo: I'm glad they never went *there* in CLT. > "Don't let it. Just know that you can control it,m and you have nothing > to worry about." Rebecca: If not... Well, can you say "Lord of Nightmares?" > They paused, then Asuka said "I suppose we're gonna have to teach the > others how to do it." Dan: Don't make it sound so bad. > Lisa was silent. Rick: [Lisa] Should I tell her she's got a huge booger hanging from her nose? > "What's wrong lisa? Did something happen?" She thort about the revcovery > room. Dan: [Lisa] Nah, just a rampaging angel, nothing out of the ordinary, Shinji did not get absorbed by his EVA... Whoops. > "Where was shinji!" She said. She grabbed Lisa by the shoulders. "Where is he!" Rick: Oh, now you notice. Dan: Something was missing. No-one had apologised to her for a couple of minutes. > "Shinji..." She said silently. "Shinji was absorbed by his eva. > Auska collapsed, as if stunned. "No..." She murmered. Rebecca: You make it sound like she cares. > ***** > Ritsuko looked at the report a few more times,then tore it up. It was > impossible. Regardles sof the readings, Asuka couldn't have managed a > 200% sync ratio, even if for less than a microsecond. Tsuneo: I dunno, ask Tom Dyron about that. > ***** > Episode 21-22: Please be humane > A month had passed. Shinji had somehowe been revcovered from the EVA. Dan: Just to skip over a seriously boring episode. Tsuneo: It was deep, meaningful and significant, thank you. Dan: It was still boring. Tsuneo: It was meaningful! Dan: Boring! Tsuneo: Meaningful! Dan: Boring! [Rick and Rebecca whack them with cushions] Rebecca: And you guys call us petty. Rick: We are, but never mind. [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > Duiring that time, Auska had been tired, nervous and worried. TRhen, when he > was resuced, she was relived. Rick: What does she care about Shinji? > But th the very next day,m it was different. Asuka > had been cranky all day. Dan: You mean she was in character? > No-one in the class was poking fun at her, she had snapped at the teacher Rick: [Asuka] What's this about you and Second Impact anyway? Dan: [Teacher] Well, Second impact was- Rick: [Asuka] It doesn't matter about Second Impact! > and even Lisa was avoiding her,rather than being treated > to the same venomous attack that Misato had already suffered. Rebecca: I wonder what's the blast radius on one of those things? > At the end of class, Lisa and Asuka left the class room insilence. Dan: Careful, that thing's dangerous. It could explode at any second. > Toji, too curious, followed them out to the playground. Rebecca: He was never seen again. > "Hey, Asuka!" He called after them and they both stopped in their > tracks. Asuka turned around, giving him and evil glare. Rick: It's the death-ray eyes! > "How come > you're so cranky all of a sudden? You'd jsut started being nice to me." Rebecca: Never, ever ask that. [Rick edges away from her] > Asuka growled as Lisa said "There are soemthings you should never ask > a girl." Dan: "Are they real or not" is one. Rick: I take it you're speaking from experience here. Dan: No, I rely on yours here. > Asuka walked over to Toju. Rebecca: Leaving Toji to sweat, fortunately. > He gulped in fear, but Asuka planted her > knee right in his crotch before he could run away. Tsuneo: Asuka downstairs. > "I hate you!" she scremed., "All of you who are taunting me! > Why don't you just let me be!" Dan: Now that's more like it. > Lisa put a hand on her shoulder, but Asuka swatted it off, growling at her. Rick: [Asuka] Move it or lose it, creep. > Lisa stoodback in shock as Asuka stalked off into the distance, Rebecca: Destroying random objects on her way. > leaving Lisa stunned. Rick: Asuka vicious berating attack: 12D6 NND; defense: burying your head in the sand or switching to track 25. > "Her mind is not open," Rei said quietly to Lisa. "She cannot accept what > she does not like." Rick: And she doesn't like what she cannot accept. > "Well thank you so much, Dr. Ayanami," Lisa said, spitting sarcasm. Dan: Dr. Ayanami, medicine entity. > ***** > "Why do I have to suffer like this just because Im a girl?" Asuka said, > her head hung over a wash basin. "It's not like I want to have kids > anyway." Rick [Auska]: What I really want is a Pony. > "I'm sure it's overrated too," said Lisa as she entered the room. Rebecca: Great. Just when it's looking up, here comes Dr Prozac. Can I say that I'm really not looking forwards to the rest of the chapter? Tsuneo: I don't think any of us are. > "Back off, freak" Auska snapped, a feral snartl on her face. Dan: Uh, is it a full moon? Rebecca: I take it back. I think Lisa's about to get her ass whupped. > "Whoah. I'm sorry" Lisa replied. "I just think that it wouldn't hurt you > to be a little nicere to some peoiple" Rick: Do people really talk like that? Dan: Only when they're on drugs. > "Listen here you!" AUksa said as she grabbed Lisa. Dan: Whoa! Rick: Asuka's getting started early. > "No-one tells me how to run my life, ok? Rebecca: [Asuka] Well, except for Misato, since she's kind of in charge. Rick: Some authority figure. > If i wasnt to be nasty to someone, I will be nasty to someone, goit it!?" Tsuneo: That's philosophy for you. > She pushed lisa away, and stormed out of the room. Rebecca: She's as mad as hell, and she's not gonna take it any more. > ***** > The two of them waited for the lift. Dan: Thrilling. > When the door opened, they saw > Rei waiting inside. "This is gonna get ungly," Tsuneo: It already has. Dan: Someone call the cleaner! We've got a bloodbath in lift fourteen! > Lisa thought to > herself as the enetered and stood in silence for a few minutes. Rick: I see they're really cutting back on the animation. > Then Rei suddenly spoke up. Rebecca: [Rei] I didnt want to do this. I never wanted to be an EVA pilot. I wanted to be a lumberjack! > "You need to open your mind. Rick: Go to the "File" menu, select "Open..." > If you cannot relate to others, your EVA will not work for you." Dan: Uh, she's doing better than you at the moment. > "Hah! Look who's talking!" Asuka shouted back. "I'm the one who can > manipulate my AT field, not you!" Dan: [Asuka] So nyah nyah nyah nyah nayah! Pppblrssst! Rick: I see Asuka's being as mature as ever. > "I have enver needed to." Rei responded. Rebecca: Ouch. Score one to Rei. > "And as for relating to people, you're one to talk! Dan: [Asuka] Miss two-word sentence fragments. > You don't know anything about relating!" Tsuneo: [Rei] I've read books. Rick: Oh, and Gendo doesn't count as people. > "I understand people better than you," rei replied. Rick: Anyone does. Rebecca: Rei's really digging deep here. > "The last thjing I need is to be lectured on relationships by a cold-hearted > machine like yourrself!" Dan: Rei Ayanami, the cute white machine. > "I am not a machine," Rei replied. Rick: [Rei] Now could you help me? My batteries are flat. > "You are! You do everything you're told to! You're unthinking, > uncaring, heartless and cruel! Tsuneo: Uh, Asuka? Who are you talking about here, yourself? > I hate you!" the door dinged open and Asuka stormed out. Rebecca: Warning, take cover. Tropical cyclone Asuka has reached the coast. > "I hate all of you!" she dashed away from the lift > and the door closed. Dan: [Asuka] And I'm not very fond of you either! > "That was needless," Lisa told Rei. Rick: Well that was a waste of time. > "She does not understand about the EVA," Rei said. Tsuneo: No-one understands what EVAs are. > "She thinks of it onkly as a machine." Rick: A heavily marketable machine, but a machine nonetheless. Rebecca: I dunno, I think Asuka might relate quite well to some machines. > "No-one can understand it like we do," Lisa said. Tsuneo: No-one can be told what EVAs are. They have to be shown it. > "Shinji does," Rei replied. > "He's a special case. Dan: He's a basket case. > Asuka will understand." the door opened, and > Lisa stalked out. "I'll see to that." Tsuneo: I think someone here doesn't understand Asuka. > ***** > The base echoed with the blaring of the attack siren. Dan: I guess Asuka's tantrum is just that bad. > The four pilots rushed to their respective EVAs, Tsuneo: Any reason why they didn't freeze Unit 01 this time? Rick: Maybe they just forgot. > and ASuka demanded to be deployed first. Rebecca [Auska]: It's my angel! I saw it first! I've got dibsies! > "Let her go," Misato says. Dan [Misato]: We spent too much on Master P and the No Limit Soldiers, so we can't afford to keep her. Rick: She'll feel like crap when she sees Y2A. > "She can take the point for a change." Tsuneo: Plus, if everything screws up it's not their fault. > The four EVAs were deployed around the city, each gazing up at the angel > floating in orbit. Dan [Dazed]: Pretty stars pretty pretty stars... > They could barely maek it ouy on maximium magnification. Rick: Er.. that's a smudge on the screen. The Angel's a little to the left. > Asuka and Lisa had extreme range rifles deployed to their location. Rebecca [Auska]: This is my boom stick! > Asuka siezed hers and began to take aim, Tsuneo [Auksa]: If I can hit this one, I can win the big teddy bear! > but at that moment an > immense beam of light shot out from the angel Rebecca: Ion cannon ready. Select target. > and engulf unit 02. Asuka's psychographs went wild Dan: They started booing and throwing things at the stage. > as her EVa dropped the rifle, clutching its head. Rick [Auksa]: Celine Dion song... keep hearing it.... can't get away... brain melting.... aaaagh! > "Asuka!" Lisa called out, heading for Unit 02's position. Rebecca: And Lisa slides home! The crowd goes wild! Tsuneo [Bored]: Yay. > Rei dashed over to her previous position and took up the rifle, firing at > the angel to no effect. It's AT field was too strong. Tsuneo: So they'll all have to be saved by the incredible Lisa. Again. Yay. > Asuka shrieked out loud, screaming "get out of my head!" Rick: I wouldn't want to be in there anyway. Dan [Al Snow]: Not now! I'm wrestling! > Images of > nher childhood and her mother flqashed through her head, making her > remember the pain. Tsuneo: Images of the original "Fate of the Children" flashed through our heads, making us remember the pain. Rebecca [Auska]: Did I really wear *that*? Noooooooooooooo! > Then sudeenly it was blocked out. Dan [Angel]: Ran out of power. Heh. How embarrassing. > There was a feeling of peace and contentment, Dan: You know, like what you get when you do a- Rebecca: Yes, thank you Dan. > and Lisa's voice in her mind. Rick [Lisa]: Hey... is this thing on? Rebecca [Lisa]: Hello? Auska? Is that you? I seem to be lost again. > "You're safe," she siad, "I'm going to save you." Tsuneo: That doesn't mean the same thing. > Unit 04 had grabbed unit 02 from behind Rebecca: Getting a little fresh, aren't we? > and quickly puleld it out of the beam. Rick: Nuh-uh. Too long under the sunlamp and you'll be fried. > Once the pressure was off her mind, Dan: So Asuka had decided which dress she wanted? [Rebecca hits him repeatedly with a cushion] > Asuka collapsed, sobiing to the ground. Lisa stood her EVa in the beam, > her psychograph not responding on NERV's screens. Rick: Doesn't that mean she's dead? Dan: Either that or Olaf Petersen. > "What's she doing?" Misato cried out. It's going to affect her too." Rebecca: No it won't, because she's *special.* > "We can't get a reading," Maya responded. "We've lost all contact with > the pilot." "Abort the operation. Pull Unit 04 out of there, Gendo ordereed. > "No response," the aeoba operator responded. Tsuneo: The *Aoba* operator? Rebecca: It's a special position available only to long-haired people who never contribute anything. > Unit 04's completely cut off. Rick: Someone oughta shut him up. All he ever does is give them bad news. > Out on the battlefield, EVA-04 was still immoibile. "Rei!" Get the lance!" > Lisa yelled out. All: Huh? Tsuneo: Okay. I can vaguely buy that she's this genetic monster of EVA, human and Angel - actually, I can't but never mind - but I will not accept that she knows about the Lance! > "Youre the only one who can stop it!" Dan: Only you can save mankind! > EVA-00 dashed back to the elevator, which retracted into the gorund taking > the EVA with it. > "Is she going to take the lance" Fyuytski asked Gendo, seemingly confused. Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] And how the hell did she know about it? Dan: [Gendo] It is to be expected. Tsuneo: [Fuyutski] You don't know, do you? Dan: [Gendo] No, I don't. Rick: She got an advanced copy of Keele Lorenz's autobiography, "The Dead Sea Scrolls And I." > "This is an interesting development." Gendo replied. Rick: The authour is sticking to something approaching the original plot. > "It seems that SEELE's tool Dan: Yeah, she's a tool alright. [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion.] > has a mind of its own" He watched on a screen as Rei took the Lance from > Lillith. "She has inadvettan;y ruined their scenario" Rebecca: Ooh! Relevance! > "I do wonder how she knows about the lance" Fuyutski interjected. Tsuneo: Yeah, so do we. > "There are many secrets to this child" Gendo rpelied. Dan: [Gendo] But I know them all, and I'm not telling. Rick: [Fuyutski] You know everything, sir. Dan: [Gendo] It's my job. Rick: [Fuyutski] So then do you know- Dan: [Gendo] A tight, full-body rubber suit. [Pause] Rick: [Fuyutski] Wow. > Up on the surface, EVA 1 and 2 had comntinued to fire at the Angel iwht > their heavy rilfes, bgut to no avail. Rebecca: Well, it helped boost Nerv's power bill. > THeur shots either bounced off the angel's at field or went wide. Rick: Then they gave up and played pong. > "I can't hold it for too much lomnger!" Lisa dhouted out. Dan: When you've gotta go, you've gotta- Tsuneo: Thanks for that, Dan. > Then EVA-00 appared, carrying a massive two-pporonged lance in its hanfds. Rebecca: The barbeque fork of doom! > "Now, Rie!" Lisa > shoutede out. EVA-00 threw the lance. It flrew into space and penatrated the angel's > body, Rick: That's gonna hurt in the morning. > causing it to collapse upoin iself ans on the ground EVA-04 collapsed. > "The angel isw destroyed" Aeoba replorted. Rick: Hey look, it's Aoba himself! No crummy Aoba operator is gonna take his job! > ***** > That night, Lisa was curled up on the bed in her sparse apartment. Tsuneo: Uh-oh. Rebecca: Couldn't this scene have been cut? Rick: Let's brace for the worst, and pray for a miracle. Dan: Well I don't mind. [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion.] > The door opened slently and Auksa stepped in, now in her sunderes. Rick: No no, Sunders were last season. This season, everyone's wearing Hauptmans. > "Lisa?" > she siad quirety. "Lisa?" she repeated when there wasn't any response. Dan: [Asuka] Oh wait, you're dead. I'll be going now. Rick: Flee, Asuka! Flee while you can! > "I'm sorry," Lisa said as she straightened up and truned to Asuka. She > was lying in her school uniform, eyrs red from crying. "What is iot?' Tsuneo: [Lisa] You're crimping on my valuable sulking time. > "Thanks..." said Asuka nervously. "Thansk for saving me. Rick: You'll regret it later, trust me. > You blocked out the angel" Asuka sat on the bed next to her. Rebecca: Lisa receives no damage from Angels when blocking. > "I couldn't do antything else. The angel had to be destroyed and you > were in trouble." Tsuneo: [Lisa] And I hadn't done enough this episode. And Rei needed to be told to get the lance, but I wasn't going to let Gendo do it. > "Sorry... about earlier. being crwnky anfd all." Asuka said. Rick: [Asuka] I was in character. I can't help it sometimes. > "It's alright." Lisa replied, smiling for a second. Rebecca: The dope's kicked in. > Asuka sat still, and then nervously said "You know, for a secnd in > that beam? I thought I felt your mind." Dan: Now that's gotta be counted as sexual harassment. > "You di," she replied. "The beam merged our minds for a second. I > know all about you noiw, Asuka." Rebecca: [Lisa] Pink with little blue bears. > "Huh?" Asuka shied away for a second. Rick: [Asuka] Quick, where's the fire escape? > "Your pain is part of me, now. Dan: [Lisa] We are Lisa of Borg. You will be assimilated. We will add your distinctiveness to our own. Characterisation is irrelevant. > You can share it." she said with a slight smile. > "Wh... wehat's that?" Asuka said, blushing. Tsuneo: [Lisa] You hate them. Rick: Dingdingdingdingding! A winner is you! [Confetti and streamers fall from the roof.] Tsuneo: Frankly, this is disturbing. > "I know whay you hater those boys..." She placed her hand on Asuka's thigh. > She touched Asuka's chest treouhg her dress. Rebecca: Should I just blow my brains out now and save the voice the satisfaction? Dan: Why this, voice? Why'd you have to send us this fic again? Voice: Wait for it... > "Get away form me you pervert!" Auska shouted as she slapped Lisa. [Dan & Rebecca stare in silence] Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare fondle the great Asuka? WA-TAK! Tsuneo: Uh... This isn't right. Actually, it's sort of right. But wrong. Rick: Do you care to be any more vague? Tsuneo: Give me a minute. > Losa spum > away as if in shock. "If that's what ypou think of me then you don';t know > me at all!" She stood up. Rebecca: Woo-hoo! Go Asuka! Kick the crap out of that little piece of whiny Avatar trash! Dan: Do you realise you just cheered for Asuka? Rebecca: Help. > "But Auska!" Lisa sounted as she stood up too. Rick: How does one "sount" anyway? Dan: I'm not sure if it's meant to be "shout," or "pout," or what. > "Get away from me you sick little girl!" Rick: [Ren Hoek] You feeelthy little monkey! > She shpouted as she slapped Lisa > agin, drawing blood from Lisa's nse and lip[. Dan: And suddenly the typing's gone completely to trash. Well, more so. > "I am not goiung to be a part to your sik little dfantasies!" Rebecca: There is a God. > "I thought..." Lisa said as she stared at Auska. > "I hate you!" She shouted. She stormed out of lisa apartment, leaving lisa > dazed anmd cofnused. Rick: That... Went well. > ***** Tsuneo: Okay. Nice try, fic, but not quite. Obviously, she wanted to fix up *that* scene from the first version, but it really fell flat. Dan: How do you mean? Tsuneo: Because if Lisa *had* been inside Asuka's head, then I seriously doubt she could have been *that* wrong about her. It just doesn't add up. It would have been better just to cut the lemon hint altogether. Rebecca: Hey, Lisa got her ass whupped. I'm not complaining. Tsuneo: It's just rather poorly done, that's all. Rick: Save it for the review. > Episode 23: Tears for everyone > Lisa awoke the next morning, Dan: Yeah, that usually happens. Rebecca: Except for Dan. He usually wakes the next afternoon. > having slept badly in her unifrm. She felt > badly about what she had tried to do to Auska. She had thort that sharing m,inds > with auksa would make er more open, but clearly, such htings wrere not to be. She > felt terrible beause she had made a fals con lcusion about ausak,m and may have > wrecked their friendshiop for good. Tsuneo: And now the fic's contradicting itself. Dan: So Lisa tried to force Asuka out of the closet, even though she thought Asuka was bent anyway? Tsuneo: Er... Something like that. > She got up and went to her small living room. Now let's see... > She picked up a phone cable and felt it through her mind. Rick: [Lisa] Yes... It's a phone cable. I was hoping for something more. > It lead into a massive web in the city, Dan: I see Tarantulus was busy. > connected to the rest of the world. Rebecca: We call it the phone system. [They all cheer] > But she looked downwards. Rick: [Lisa] The floor! I never noticed it there. > Yes, it connexcted to the geofront. Moving along that line, Tsuneo: She got stuck in traffic. Dan: Please form an orderly queue. Rick: Damn. Aoba's wasting bandwidth on chatrooms again. > she entered the geofront's onwn web of communications lines. Rick: Hey, is that Optimus Prime over there? > Somewhere... yes, Maya's trerminal. From there she directly accessed the Rebecca: Pictures of Ritsuko in tight rubber. And less. > Magi. > There has to be something left, she thought. Some remnant of an angel or > something. Dan: And how do you know about this anyway? > She had to make contact, she had to find soemthing out. Then she > sensed something else. the 11th angel, living as one with the system. Tsuneo: And totally indistinguishable, but never mind. Rick: The eleventh Angel: Quietly chomping away at your spare sectors. Rebecca: They need Norton Disk De-Angeler. > she > smiled, openerd her mind and made contact. It was a part of the magi, it > told her, as that was the only way it could live. Dan: [Eccles] You call this living? > What do you know about the magi, she asked it. Rick: It's a computer, and it's really big. Dan: [Lisa] Anything more precise? Rick: I can tell you about Gendo's sex life. > Everything it knows, the angel responded. Tell me... about Rei, she told it. Rebecca: She's highly merchandisable and comes in six-packs. > ***** > Rei sat alone in her room, pondering. Rick: [Rei] Should I redecorate this year, or just stick with grungy? > Thje angels had been changing, but she knew this would happen. Dan: Rei knows everything. > Asuka had changed too. Lisa had a good affect on her, Rebecca: Is Rei in for a rude shock, or what. > and made her a better pilot than herself or even Shinji. Lisa was > a very good pilot, too, and they could both manipulate what they called > their AT fields. she wondered what would be next. It would be a more > powerful angel than any other... Dan: Was there any point to this scene? Tsuneo: It's a massively chopped down version of one from the original. Dan: So why keep it in? Tsuneo: You tell me. > ***** > Lisa started away from the socket, dropping the phone cord, contact > immediately broken. Rebecca: [Lisa] AT&T cut my connection again. > So that was Rei... Rei couldn't be... Rick: Dum dahdum dum! Dan: Popular! Rick: Dum dahdum dum daah! > ***** > The warning rang out across the city and the four childred hurried to NERV. Rebecca: Toji gets to stay at home, I guess. Lucky stiff. > All the way, Auksa had not said a word to lisa or even looked at her. Tsuneo: Save for preventing the restraining order. > Lisa had spent all her time looking away from Auska. Rick: Watch out for that wall! Ow, never mind. > In the changing rooms, > Auska had stayed as far away from lisda as possible. Rei confronted Lisa as > Asuka dashed out. > "I know what you are" Lisa said. Dan: I thought Rei confronted her. Tsuneo: Original version. Special edition. Figure it. > "You think you know me" Rebecca: Insert your favourite "Edge" riff here. Rick: Damn, now I've got a vision of Rei wearing a black trenchcoat and sunnies over her plugsuit. Dan: Cool, isn't it? Rick: Does that make Jon Ellis Christian? Rebecca: He says about enough. Tsuneo: ... > Rei lashed out, striking Lisa across the face and knocking her down. > Stay away from me," she sayed, All: AACK! Hellstorm! > the anger clear in her voice. "I am nothing like you." Rebecca: For that you should be thankful, at least twice daily. > Ree left, leaving Lisa to ponder what had just happened. Dan: Simple, you got slapped silly. Rick: I thought you'd be used to it by now. > ***** > The four EVAs deployed around the angel, a huge ring hovering in the sky. Dan: Don't they have one of those over Balamb garden? Tsuneo: Yeah, but this isn't hovering over anything. Dan: Well, maybe if they put a garden underneath it... Tsuneo: Dan, shut up. > "What is it?" Asuka pondered. Rebecca: Well, it's either a really big luminescent donut, or the froopiest angel yet. So far, we're not sure. > "It looks like DNA, but DNA doesn't join itself like that," Lisa said. > "The angel can change forms," Rei said. be carefull." > "How does wonder girl know that?" Asuka needled. "Logical assumption," Lisa > responded. Irt's not much of a threat like this. Dan: I dunno, it could fly into you. Rebecca: And as an Angel, you can't really predict what it'll do. Tsuneo: Apart from attack as soon as it sense an AT field, you mean? Rick: So why hasn't it? Tsuneo: Because the authour stuffed up. > The angel then proved Rei right by condensing into a solid circle, Rick: Aren't they one of the bad guys in the Wingman novels? Dan: That's Solid Snake. Rebecca: No, he's from Metal Gear Solid. Rick: So what's a solid circle? Dan: Isn't it a kind of frisbee? > then breaking into a long snake-like cord. Dan: See, it is Solid Snake. > One end immediately dashed at Rei > while the other swang wildly, knocking away unit 1 & 2 like dolls. Rebecca: [Asuka] I hate it when this happens. Rick: [Shinji] By now, I should be used to it. > It plunged it's head into Unit 00's chest, Dan: Getting a little fresh, aren't we? > thrashing with the other end to keep the other EVA's away. Rick: It's wagging its tail. Does that mean it's happy or angry? Rebecca: I think it means it's homicidal. > Immediately it began to fuse with Rei's eva, Rick: Hey look, it's an EVA/Angel fuzor with the head of a fourteen year-old clone. [Pause. Tsuneo hits Rick with a cushion] > spreading the contamination throughout the body and limbs. The EVA writhed > with Rei's pain, dropping ther riflwe as Rei grunted with pain. Tsuneo: Did I mention she's in pain? She's in pain. > Unti 04 dashed up to the angel, grabbing it neear the end in Unit 0 and > yanking hard, trying to wrench it out. Dan: This scene is *very* fruedian. > Rei screamed in agony as it begun to > slip out, then stopped asthe anfgel burrowed deeperr into her EVA. Rick: Oh, so it's fine when it's going in, but notr when it's going out, huh? Rebecca: Uh, yeah. > Reiu writherd in pain int he cockpit, a feeling familiar to her. Dan: [Rei] Ice-cream headache. > Then, she felt another midn. Rebecca: [Rei] Oh, not you again. > The angel was talking to her. Dan: Hi! I'm the sixteenth Angel, but you can call me Bob. > "What are you?" she thought to it. "I am me." Rick: Care to be any more cryptic. Tsuneo: Remember, this is Rei. Rick: Of course. That was a good answer, then. > it said to her. "I want to share soemthing with you. Rebecca: That sounds incredibly dirty. > You are all alone." Tsuneo: All alone, in the night. > The contamination in her EVA began spreadign into ehr body, and she felt > an incredible, excruciatijng pain. Rick: So is this an incredible, excruciating pain, or just an annoying, unbearable pain. > "This is pain," siad the angel. All: Naw! > You know > it well. In her own EVA, Lisa felt Rei's pain and the presence in ehr mind, > she had to do something. Rebecca: Sit back and watch? Dan: Take bets? > Grabbing the other end of the Angel, she4 thrust it into her own EVA's torso [Rebecca giggles hysterically] Rick: I guess Lisa wants some of that sweet lovin' too. > and made contact into its mind. > "All I know is pain," Rei responded to the Angel. > "Do you exist onyl to ring pain?" Rick: Never, ever ask that question. Don't ask what EVAs are, either. > Lisa's voice was then heard in ehr mind, Dan: It's a regular chatroom in here. > "Don'tr worry. You don't need pain anymore." > "I will nbot feel pain for longer" Rei replied. "You must leave this place" Rebecca: And don't come back! > "What?!" Lisa sounted, but found herself take nfrom Rei's mind and back to > her own. Dan: It's about now she realises she's locked herself out. > EVA 00 yanked the end of the angel out of EVA 04s chest. Rick: [Rei] It's mine you here, all mine! > "No more pain, ever" Rei said as she activated her EVA's se;lf destruct. All: Ooh... > "REI!" Gendo, Shinji, Lisa and Misato all said at once as the EVA and angel > exploded. > "The angel is... gone" Hyuga said, quietly. Tsuneo: Well done, fic. I might forgive last chapter. Might. > ***** > Lisa had spent much of the rest of the dasy as if in shock. Rick: She was just staggering vaguely around Nerv with no idea of where she was going. Kind of like Misato, really. > She sh had said > nothing in the changer roolm, rather watching on with aq mixture of pain and > a bit of jelously as shinji was comforted by Auska. Tsuneo: Say, is it just me, or is this fic trying to set Asuka and Shinji up? Dan: Seems like it. Lucky bastard. Rick, Tsuneo & Rebecca: Lucky? > That night,m she went hhome and slept badly. Rick: Lisa, maybe if you slept on the bed instead... > The next morning, she went to school as normal. Tsuneo: Say, is that the school that was blown to smithereens when Rei self- destructed or not? Just wondering. Rebecca: i think it's ASADAE floating island high. > Much to her surprise, she met Rei along the way. Rick: Since she was walking on water, and all. Dan: So all that's left of the city is the school and a road leading to it? That sucks. End of the world, and you can't even get out of school. Rebecca: Dan, you never went to school. Dan: Well, I'm told it sucks. > "Rei!" She callecout. "You're alive?" Rick: [Rei] YoU CoUlD CaLl iT ThAt. It iS An aLtOgEtHeR UnIqUe eXpErIeNcE. > "I'm sorry" Rei replied flatly. "Do I know you?" Tsuneo: Poor Rei's in denial. > "Yes you do!" Lisa replied. "I am Lisa! I entred your mind, remember? I > tried to save you from the Angel" Dan: Well that worked. > "How could you enter my mind?" Rei replied. "That is impossoble" Rebecca: [Lisa] Um... Whoops. Thought you were someone else. I am *so* embarrassed. > "But i can" She said as she grabbed Rei by the shoulders. "I am a fusion of > DNA from anc angel, a human and an Evangekion. Rick: [Lisa] Wait... Crap. Excuse me for a sec, I've got to bite my own head off again. Dan: Evangekion? Is that the 90's remake of Gekiganger? > I was created by Nerv ands Seele to be their ultimate weapon against the angels. Rebecca: Of course, none of this explains why she's a fruit. > And I know about you." > "You think you know me" Rei replied. Rick: Ah damn, there goes Edge again. > "I know that you are a clone of Yui Ikari, made form a mixture of her DNA > and the DNA of Adam, the first angel. Tsuneo: Wow! She got Rei's origin story right! Bonus points, fic. > We are very much alike." > "We are nothing alike" Rei said and pushed Lisa aside. Rebecca: Too bad, you're not getting lucky today, Lisa. Dan: [Lisa] Dangit. > "Wait, Rei!" Lisa said as she grabbed Rei from behind on the shpoulder. > Rei slapped her hand away. "You stay away frrom me". Reiu walked off, > leaving lisa confused. Rick: [Rei] What? You dare presume to know what the great Rei Ayanami is? Wa-tak. [Normal] I've always wanted to do that. Dan: I'm amazed you managed to do that all in deadpan. [Tsuneo bangs his head against the table] > ***** > Episode 24: Heaven's Gate > Lisa stood on the roof ofg Lisa's apartment building,m All: Well duh! > watching as the huge > plane flew in overhead. Tucked underneath it was an enourmous white figure, Rick: Her ultra-rare Metroplex toy had finally arrived. > the 5th EVA. Lisa looked up at the plane. Dan: [Lisa] Damn... I've got a crick in my neck. > "TYhis will be the time for the final battle" She thouught. "The 17th > and most powerful Angel will come soon. Will we be able to defeat it?" All: Foreshadowing! > ***** > The five childeren stared in awe at he new white EVA in the launch bay. Rick: [Toji, squeamish] I don't like it. It's grinning at me. Dan: [Shinji] You get used to that. > It was slightly bigger than the others, and looked really wierd. Rebecca: No kidding. > It had huge wings and a sock-like head. Rick: Actually, it was a new sock puppet for Unit 01, but don't tell them that. > "Hey, at last I've got something to pilot!" Toji said. "Get real," Asuka > yelled. "They wouldn't let you drive something thatr good." Rick: Asuka's back to normal. > "I wouldn't mind either," Rei said. Tsuneo: [Rei] I'd have something to pilot then. > "My god, she talks!" Toji yelled. Dan: [Rei] Do I know you people? > Lisa looked at Toji angrily. > "What?!" Toji said. "What did I say?" Dan: And there goes Toji's scene for the fic. > ***** > The five left the test chambers. "Well done," said Ritsuko. All of you > have improved, Rebecca: Well, one of you has improved over being dead. > but Asuka'sd doing the best of all. You've shot up ten > points in the last week." Rick [Asuka]: And those who doubted the great Asuka can pucker up and plant a big juicy wet one on the Great Asuka's magnificent behind! Rebecca [Lisa]: Oooh! Can I? Rick [Asuka]: Not you! WA-TAK! > "Yeah! told you I was the best!" Asuka gloated. > "Better listen to hger," Lisa said. "She'll put you out of a job." Lisa > said. Dan: You don't have a job, Toji. > Toji and Shinjni looked upset. Rei ignored them all. Tsuneo: [Rei] They're idiots. > "Alreight, everyone out. Not you," Ritsuko said, pointing at Lisa. > We need a few extra testst from Lisa." Dan: Don't say tight rubber. I mean it. Rebecca: [Ike] Anal probe. Dan: ... > ***** > Ritsuko was examining Lisa as she sat, asking about her health and such. Rebecca: And why Rei and Asuka have been following her around carrying machineguns. Dan: Come to think of it, Rei and Asuka might get along better now. Rick: How do you figure that? Dan: Mutual hatred. > Lisa noticed someone else was going into the test chamber; Rebecca: Please let it not be the inane Jo. > a beautiful > girl with grey hair and really poale skin who was wearing a blue and > blakc plugsuit. Tsuneo: Damn. Damn. It's still the inane Jo. Dammit, fic. Rebecca: I dunno, that description could be Big Gay Kaoru. Dan: In a plugsuit, you notice these things. > Ritsuko noticed her attention and Rebecca: Was flattered. > said "Oh, yhat's the new pilot." Dan: Wow, I never would have guessed. > "When did she arrive?" "Just today, in unit 05." Rick: You get this little figure when you buy the kit. > "So she's > going to be piloting it?" "Yep. She spent the whole trip in it's plug, > practising synchronisation." Tsuneo: That's quite an accomplishment, given that it wouldn't have been powered. Rick: [Jo] Hey, do I get an in-flight movie? Just wondering. > Lisa looked at the displays and readouts > of the new pilot's test. "Wow, she's really good," she said, awed. Dan: [Lisa] Er... Anbd she's a good pilot! Yeah... Rick: [Lisa] Dammit, I'm the SI, I'm gonna get at least one root this fic. > "She's > almost matched your rate," Ritsuko added. "I must be slipping. But she's > really impressive." Dan: [Lisa] Especially in that- Rick: [Ritsuko] Tight rubber? Dan: [Lisa] Yeah... > "Thank you," the girl said over the radio link to > the plug. She s,miled and opened her eyes: they were red. Tsuneo: What a shocking revelation. > ***** > Lisa and the new girl were changing. "So, what's your name?" she asked. > "Jo," she said. Tsuneo: [Jo] But you can call me Tabris. Damn! Damn! Didn't mean to say that. > "Nice and short." Lisa said. "And you're lisa. You're > very famous where I come from." [They all snigger] > "Oh? Wow." "you don't realise howe important you are to so many people." Dan: Rei and Asuka not included. > "Wow, I'm flattered," she siad blushing. Jo was changing, and she couldn't > help but notice how beautiful she was. Dan: Details, man! We want details! [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion] > Jo smiled as she blushed. "Don't > feel threatened," she said. "Huh?" Lisa said. "You're jealous. Don't be; > it's not worthy of you." "Thank you," Lisa said, blushing some more. Tsuneo: By now she's lit up like a Christmas tree. Dan: Hey, see if she can do plaid. > "May I ask you something?" "Yes." Lisa said. "Do you like any of those > other pilots?" Rebecca: [Lisa] Only in their plugsuits. Rick: [Jo] You and the lillum called Ritsuko must get along well. Rebecca: [Lisa] Lillum? Rick: [Jo] Never mind. > "I thought I liked auksa, but then I relised that i was making her out to be > something that she isn't. But She is still an allright person." Lisa replied. Rick: No she isn't! > "Shinji and Toji act like jerks but they are really ok people. Dan: Since when has Shinji acted like a jerk? Rick: Since when is Toji and okay person? > Rei I don't like. She doesn';t like me. Tsuneo: No-one can blame her. > "Then I will ike them all too." Jo replied. "except Rei, of course" > "You're wierd," Lisa said. Rebecca: That line still gets me. > "Me? You're the one who's still in her plugsuit." Rick: [Lisa] I'm sorry, it's just... You know, rubber. Dan: Can it, guys. Really. > Later they went back to Lias's apartment. The two of them spent the whole > night talking to each other and talking about their lives. Tsuneo [Jo]: Originally, I was the angel of free will. However, nine months after the event you lillim call the second impact, I was incarnated in the form of a new born child. Somewhere along the line, I had a sex change. I'm not sure why. Rebecca [Lisa]: That's er... nice. Can we talk more about me. > After a while, lisa discoveredc how much she really liked Jo. Tsuneo: Well that's why she put her in this stupid fic. Rick: With some barbecue sauce and a side of onions. > "Jo" Lisa asked sheepishly. "How... how do you feel about me" > "I like you a lot, Lisa" Jo replied. "You are a beautiful person" She put > her hand on Lias's thigh. "I undersatand you. I understand how you felt > about Auksa and rei. And I understand the pain that Auska caused you." Rebecca: But what about the pain Auksa caused viewers worldwide? There are people who, to this day, cannot se a picture of her without a violent reaction. > She touched Lisa's chest treouhg her dress. "I ike you very much. I hoep > you will Like me too" She kissed Lisa on the lips. And more. Rick: Wow. Jo's seduction of Lisa was made entirely by copying text from the original version of Lisa's seduction of Auska. That's kinda cheap. Dan: At least Lisa's not on the offensive this time. Rebecca: Lisa's always offensive. > ***** > Late that night while Jo were fast asleep, Tsuneo: Jo *were* fast asleep? Dan: Guess who has split personalities. > Lisa crept out and up into her > living room. She crept passed Jo, sleeping on the couch Tsuneo: So she's the love of your life, or at least the last five minutes, and you're too cheap to let her have a bed? > and knelt down by > the phone cord. She reached her mind out, Tsuneo: Hello, Shane's Chickens. How can we help you? > and contacted the Angel again. Dan: [Lilliel] Do you mind? Have you any idea what time it is? > she asked what the magi had on Jo. Rick: [Lisa] Measurements? Rebecca: I think Lisa's pretty familiar with those by now. > The angel replied nothinjg, the files are blank. Dan: And as uninteresting as this story. > Lisa was surprised, but left it and headed into the kitchen to get a drink. Rick: Where's a Guiness when you really need one? > She felt a hand on her shoulder Rebecca: It's the vulcan neck grip! > and Jo said do you always get up this late?" Rick: [Lisa] Only during the mating season. Wait, that came out all wrong. > "Only sometimes," Lisa said, glads that the light was so bad that Jo > couldn't see her blushing as she turned around. "You're blushing," she said. Dan: [Lisa] D'oh! Rebecca: Hell, Lisa might as well have a permanent nosebleed around Jo. She's that obvious. > "How'd you tell?" Rebecca: [Jo] It says here in the script: "Lisa blushes." > "The heat's coming off your face. What is it?" Tsuneo: It's when blood flushes into the capillaries under your skin, but that's not important right now. > "Nothing," Lisa said, quietly. "I make you nervous." Jo stated. Rick: [Lisa] No! Dan: [Jo] So why are you trembling? Rick: [Lisa] I'm cold. > "Something liek that." Lisa said. It's just amazing how alike we are, > sometimes." "We're more alike than you think, Jo said, placing her arms arund > her neck and kissing Lisa deeply. Dan: Damn, I wish I could pull the girls like she does. > ***** > "This world broguht me more than I could ahve hoped for." Dan: [Jo] Christmas presents! Rebecca: [Jo] And my own squeezy toy. > Jo said to her EVA, remebering having Lisa with her. Rick: [EVA] What do you want, conversation? > "It is a pity we must end it. I can > delay no longer." She stepped off the catwalk and Tsuneo: Plunged to her doom. > floated in mid-air. "Come, my sister! We go to our destiny!" > Hyuga screamed out Rick: And "Ode to Joy" came on the speakers. > ana alarm as the magi detected a blue signal in the complex. Dan: And then danced with joy at actually getting a line. > All of the EVAs were deployed, and moved to inercept Jo sand Unit > 5 as they descended. Rick: Incoming! > It came to a rest on a lower level with Jo hanging in > fronmt of it, and the four other EVAs facing her. Dan: Four? Hang on... 01, 02 and 04. that's only three. Tsuneo: Guess who forgot to re-edit. > "Why?" Lisa asked. "Why are you doing this?" Rebecca: [Jo] It's my job. Rick: [Jo] And it sure beats working retail. > "I have no choice. I am the last angel, Dan: Obviously we don't count Invadors or demons - or freerange citrus, for that matter - to this total. > and if I fail, > we all shall. Although I do not want it, my success will end in your > destruction." Tsuneo: Let's just badly swipe some lines from the original episode. Rick: Either way, Jo loses. > "Attack them!" Gendo commanded/. It's your enemy!" "I can't" > Lisa yelled. she's my friedn. Tsuneo: Of course, Shinji and Asuka had no such qualms and blew them both to smithereens. The end. > "Go, my sister. I must continue," Jo commanded as she floated further > downwards. EVA-05 sparang forwards and grabbed Unit 02 and 04. Rick: What about Unit 01? Rebecca: Shinji's a mere male, so he's unimportant to the story. > Huge wings > appeared on tis backa nd it blasted throught the roof of the pyramid, droppoing > them into the Geofront. Dan: This all seems kind of silly. Tsuneo: This is a lot silly. > Unit 05 beat up on 04, 02 and 01 as Jo kept descending. Rick: So now unit 01's up there? Rebecca: Don't ask. It'll only hurt. Tsuneo: At least she got rid of "resident Evangelion." Dan: Thank you. > Up inthe geofront, thew winged EVA swooed down on the tewo on the grond, > swatting at them and kicking them as it flew down. Asuka yelled "How can > we fight it?" Rebecca: You don't. You die. It's that simple. Tsuneo: You just sit around and wait for Lisa to save you all. > "Concentrate your AT field!" Lisa yelled back. Rick: [Asuka] Oh, it's that simple, is it? That's your solution for everything. Tough Angel? Concentrate your AT field. Can't get your homework done on time? Concentrate your AT field. Rogue unpiloted EVA on a course to destroy all of mankind? You're so predictable! > A pair of > large ghostly wings sprang from the back of the EVA and it flew up to fight > unit 05. Dan: This is really, really silly. Well, more so than the rest of the fic. > The two EVAs wrestled with in mid air, then unit 04 finally grabbed > one of its wings and tore it off, sending it plunging to the ground. Dan: [EVA-05] Oh, poopie. > the three of them landed Rick: I thought only she was airborne? Rebecca: Looks like another text artefact. Tsuneo: Yes, but there were only two EVAs fighting Unit 05 in the original. Dan: Um... Floating island? > and proceeded to pund the EVa, but it threw them off and started > blasting at them with its own AT field. Rick: [Asuka] Okay wiseass, it can manipulate its AT field too. Now what? Dan: [Lisa] Maybe if we all hold hands and think happy thoughts... > It knocked EVA 01 and EVA 02 into a wall and disabled thew two pilots. All: Naturally. > It then hit Unit 04 really badly, smashing > apart its shoulder and wrenchign an arm off. Rick: There, I've taken your arm off. Dan: 'Tis but a scratch. Rick: A scratch? Dan: A flesh wound! > Lisa concentrated over the pain > of the hits she was takeing and focused her own AT field into an enourmous > blast of white light that engulfed the EVA. Tsuneo: So why didn't you do that earlier? Rebecca: It's her finishing move! She could only do it when dramatically appropriate. Dan: Either that, or she needed to charge up a power crystal. > Unit 05 screeched and disintegrared. > Unit 04 ran over to check on unit 02. Asuka was alive, but unconcuious. Rick: [Shinji] Thanks for your concern. > Hyuga reported that Jo had reached the vault of heaven. Tsuneo: Go on, Hyuga. Push the button. You know you want to. > Cursing under her breath, Lisa vanished from her entry plug. She > reappeared in the vault, floating in mid-air jsut behind Jo Rick: [Lisa] Say, nice view from here. > who was reacing out to touch Lillith, nailed to the cross. Tsuneo: Whoah! Lillith! She actually got it right. Rebecca: Now the fic actually makes sense. > "Stop!" Lisa yelled out. "I have > to, I have no choice." "I"ll have to stop you regardless," Lisa said. "Then > come," Jo said. "Save mankind form me." The two of them flew away from adam All: D'oh! Tsuneo: This fic really needs re-editing. > circling each other in mid-air. "i am impressed to see you use the wall of > your soul like that." Jo said. "I have taught humans how to, as well." > "Then there is still hope for them." Dan: Wait until you see the movie. You'll change your mind. > Jo suddenly started firing off blasts at Lisa who had to frantically dodge > them. [They all wave signs reading "Go Jo!"] > She started firing back and what blasts weren't cancelled in mid air > Jo dodged or deflected with her own AT field. Rick: Oh, this is accomplishing a lot. Dan: Now I see why tennis isn't a spectator sport. > Changing tactics, Lisa flew > straight ahead, concentrating her AT field into her hands and slamming > into Jo, saednign ehr flying agains a massive rcok pillar. Rebecca: Say, wouldn't it have been funny if she'd done that and sent Jo flying into Lillith? Tsuneo: Funny, but a lot shorter. > She swooped down, > again pounding at Jo until she was thrown back. This time Jo let out a huge > blast that smashed down her aT field. Rick: So what are the patrol boats down below doing? Dan: Taking bets, probably. > The second one hit her square on and > sent her hurtling back into a different pillar. Tsuneo: Can't you at least wreck the one you hit before? > Jo formed > energy around her hands and rained it down on Lisa, hurting her even more. Dan: [Jo] Lo! I shall crush your head, making you even more inferior to my glorious self! Rick: Jo attended Gloating 101 with Naga. > Then she formed an intense ball in her hand and charged down at Lisa, > planning to kill her with theis strike. Lisa barely recovered in time to > make a long blade in her hand as Jo approached She yelled "Forgive me! > as she trhust it out. Jo grabbed it. Tsuneo: Hang on... Dan: Of course, she cut her hand to pieces in the process. > "No, my love. Forgive me" She formed > a blade with her own at field and ran ith stright through lisa. All: [Keanu Reeves] Whoah. > Lisa coughed up some blood and gazed into Jo's eyes. Rebecca [Lisa]: How can you use my intestines as a gift? Rick [Lisa]: The bullets inside me are so hot, why do I feel so cold? Dan [Lisa]: You always use violence. I should have ordered glutinous rice chicken. Tsuneo [Lisa]: I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. > "I'm sorry. But I must do what I must do" Lisa's body fell back, falling > gracelfu;lly into the water below it. Rick: She lived a warrior ans died to an hero. Rebecca: This is moving. what's on Raw? Tsuneo: That was unexpected. > "But wait..." Jo said as she turmned around. "You are not Adam..." She > paused. "Lillith?" She paused again. "Could it be that the Lillum have deceived > us?" Tsuneo: And the series continues unabated! Congrats! > Unit 01 crashed through the wall and grabbed Jo in its hand. Rebecca: Hey look! It's EVA-01 and whatshisname! > "I understand > what you must do, Shinji. Please. I have failed. Humanity must be allowed to > continue" EVA 01 closed its hand. Rick: Squish. Dan: You've got inane blood all over your EVA's hand. That's gonna be a real pest to clean. > ***** > Auska awoke in the NERV hospital bed, Rick: [Asuka] I hate this place. > Shinji next ot her. Tsuneo: [Shinji] I'm not too fond of it either. > "What happened?" > She moaned to shinji. "Lisa died." he replied, sadly. "She died trying to save > us all. Please don't hate her for what she did, Auska" Rebecca: [Asuka] what was that? Sorry, I was busy partying. > He paused, tears froming > in his eyes. "SHe didn't understand you, that's all. No-one really understands > each other." Dan: Certainly no-one understands Asuka. > "Oh shinji!" Auska cried. She put her arms around him. "She tried to do > things to me... horrible things. Tsuneo: You know, being nice and all. > But I didn't know. She just wnated to help me. But... She did it the wrong way" > "There there." Shinji replied. "It's over. Now and forever, it's over." All: Aww... Tsuneo: Until of course, you realise that last line is caged directly from the original version as well. > THE END > Authour's notes: Yeah, a kind of sad, kind of happy ending. Tsuneo: She copied that line too. Rick: You know, this has really been an underachieving special edition. > And a different one to what you expected. Rick: Actually, I was expecting one with a rollerblading moose in a tutu. [They all stare blankly at him.] Rick: Well, it would have been an interesting change. > I do kind of htink that Auksa might be happy with Shinji. > (I don;t know yet for usre. I haven't seen the movies yet). [Tsuneo laughs darkly] Rebecca: Hoo-boy. > I trhink Auska's > reaction to Lisa trying to seduce her was in chracter for her, Rick: Are you kidding? There wasn't enough blood. > and better thuan last > time. This I think is the better vfersion of this fanfic. As you can see, lisa > isn't as infallible as she was last time. Dan: She kinda died and all. > I'd like to thank Elmer Studios for MSTing my fiurst version of htis fic,m > and for MSTing this one as well. Rebecca: You're welcome! Send money. > (Also thanks to them for the cool pictures of Lisa > and "the inane Jo". They're good... and they have cool T-shirts too!) Voice: I take full credit for those. Rick: Why, what do they say? Voice: Lisa's says "Whine for peace, snivel for justice" and Jo's says "K. D. Lang Inane tour 99." > Thanks alkso to Travor Laughlin and WJ evans All: [Keanu Reeves] Whoah. > for giving Lisa a guest > appearance in their parody fanfic, "Cruel Linna's Thesis". Tsuneo: You haven't actually read it, have you? Dan: Cruel Linna's Thesis, the firsat BGC/EVA crossover. > THeir chracterisation of her was quirte funny. Rick: Way off, but still funny. > (And it had a very funny version of Issei in it too!) Dan: That's right, they managed to make Issei funny. And not in a "laugh at him" kind of way either. > See ya all later! All: Bye! > Tsunai (5th) Tsuneo: Should I tell her she misspelt her own handle? [Rebecca jumps up and grabs the Christmas tree. She hurls it through the TV screen, smashing the screen and leaving the tree sticking out of the TV] Dan: Hey! I spent a whole five minutes setting that thing up. Now I'm going to have to get a new one. Rick: I dunno. It kind of looks better this way. Tsuneo: You see less of the tree. It has to be better. Voice: Um... thanks. Can I have your reviews now? Tsuneo: Nice try. Really. It just didn't work. The story was considerably better, the characters were more accurately written and it was a lot closer to the original show, but there were some bad gaffs in there too. For example, Lisa sees inside Asuka's mind, yet is still completely wrong about her. That and it still needed a thorough editor. Dan: Well what do you want? It's another EVA self-insertion. She's still god-powerful, she still hogs all the attention and she still treats the characters like crap. Only this time, the whole story seems really indecisive and half-baked. It's pretty lame as special editions go. Rebecca: Dan's right. It was a pretty lame effort at a special edition. It really needed to be thoroughly edited or even completely re-written. I noticed that some of the typos from the old version were gone, but most of them were still there. Additionally, the new material seemed to be even more badly typed than the old stuff. And there were so many inconstancies left over from changing the text; Adam and Lillith, or Shinji's constantly changing weapons and gender. Rick: And two other things. First: EVA-03 is red and black. Why? Second, she left the inane Jo in there. And there's no real reason for swapping Karou for Jo, save for the fact that it means the story will stay focused on Lisa. And then there's the Aoba operator... Tsuneo: Don't mention the Aoba operator. [They all stand] Rick: Anyway, before we get all festive, anyone want to go round to my office and do some creative stock control? Dan: Creative stock control? Tsuneo: He means "break videos". Rebecca: After this fic, certainly. Dan: Come on. Lets see how bad this thing is. [They all leave. The screen goes blank] Voice: Well I liked it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Special bonus: Changes between "Fate of the Children" and the Special Edition. Episodes 17-18 *The dialogue between Lisa and Asuka about the teacher is new. *The cause of the explosion in the second branch of NERV was changed. *Asuka hogging Lisa's lunch box is new. *Lisa saying that she speaks German was cut. *Lisa and Asuka's conversation about Toji was re-written. *The fight between the EVAs and the 13th Angel has been substantially re- written, to better match the episode. Episode 19-20 *The dialouge in the change room has been changed. *The fight between the EVAs and the 14th angel has been completely re-written. In the original, Rei's EVA had two arms and used a sniper rifle; Zeruel did not attack the command center; Shinji didn't contribute anything and Auska destroyed Zeruel with an AT field blast. *The dialogue in the Recovery room is different. *In the original, Asuka's synch ratio hit 500%. Episode 21-22 *Text referring to Shinji being absorbed by the EVA and rescued was added. *The bathroom scene was re-written so Asuka was more hostile to Lisa than in the original. *The battle scene was re-written to be more like the episode; in the original Lisa destroyed the Angel with an AT field blast. *The apartment scene was heavily re-written. in the original version, it ended with Lisa seducing Auska and the two having (off-camera) sex. Episode 23 *Auska was edited out of all the scenes in Lisa's apartment. *Lisa was able to sense Rei's mind. Likewise, Rei sensed Lisa's. *The changing room scene was re-written. In the original, Rei confronts Lisa, rather then the other way around. All references to them sensing each other were dropped. *Lisa saved Rei from the Angel, then destroyed it with an AT field blast. *A whole scene was cut, in which Lisa and Rei have sex in the change room. *The scene with Lisa and Rei III outside the school was added. Episode 24 *The scene on top of Lisa's apartment originally featured Asuka and Lisa. *A scene with Lisa, Asuka and Rei talking was completely removed. *The EVA Hanger scene was shortened, with a lot of dialogue removed. *The Change Room scene was lengthened and the dialogue changed. *A scene where Lisa, Jo, Rei and Asuka get hamburgers then go back to Lisa's place was dropped. *Jo's seduction of Lisa was added. *The scene with Lisa hacking into the Magi was shortened to remove Auska from it. *The fight between the EVAs and EVA-05 was substantially changed. A zombie version of Unit 03 (!!!) was dropped, along with its fight with Shinji and Rei. Unit 05 only took Units 02 and 04 with it. Unit 02 grew wings as well as 04. Unit 02, not 04 lost an arm to 05. Shinji and Rei were disabled by Zombie-03. And the fate of Zombie-03 was never revealed. Presumably it was destroyed (of course, it could also explain why Shinji and Rei weren't in the final scene) *Lisa killed Jo with her blade, not the other way around. EVA-01 was added to the scene in the special edition. *The last scene was completely re-written. Originally, it was between Lisa and Auska (but much of the dialogue was used in the special edition) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1999 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1999 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "You're wierd," Lisa said.