Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's Episode 85! We return to Bubblegum Climax: Freefall as Demond unleashes his SECRET WEAPON and the MASTER PLAN. For some reason, I'm not terrified... Bubblegum Climax: Freefall is copyright Rick. Bubblegum Crisis is copyright Artmic/Youmex. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] [Rick and Rebecca enter, talking] Rebecca: So I take it that things didn't go down too well. Rick: Definitely not. The Editor just didn't like the new character. Rebecca: Well, I think the Masked Moose would be a great supervillain. Rick: Yeah... but they want the characters to be a bit more diverse. They claim that there's not enough international flavour in my comic. Rebecca: And a man in a moose costume from Canada doesn't cut it, right? Rick: Got that right. Now I'm back to square one. [Dan and Tsuneo enter] Tsuneo: I'll bite. What vital affairs of the world has gripped your collective attentions? Rick: I Need a new character for my comic. And they has to be "exotic." Tsuneo: Meaning? Rick: Not from the US or Canada. Dan: So they want you to put in a foreigner? Rick: More of they want me to put in an ethnically and culturally offensive stereotype, but they didn't actually say that. Tsuneo: Hang on, is everyone in comics an ethnically offensive stereotype? Rick: Only those born outside the continental United States. Tsuneo: Okaaaaay. Dan: Well I've got one. How about Hentai Man, a dirty old martial arts master from Japan? [Tsuneo hits him] Ow! What was that for? Tsuneo: What have I said about fanboy Japanese in this room? Dan: Sorry. I'd like to see you do better. Tsuneo: How about The Lash, the proud defender of Singapore? Rebecca: And he can team up with Recalcitrant Man, the hero of Malaysia. Rick: What does he do? Rebecca: Recalcitrant Man? He lurks on rooftops and beats up opposition party members in the interests of preserving democracy. Rick: Of course. Silly me. Tsuneo: While you're going for the blatantly offensive, why not Captain Saudi who goes around publicly beheading people? Rick: I'll think about it? Tsuneo: ... Rebecca: How about the People's Glorious Revolutionary Hero. He's the champion of China, and gets around in a clunky battlesuit developed from reverse-engineered 1960's Soviet technology. Dan: Ooh! He has fights with Taiwan's national hero who pilots a cheap knock-off battlesuit! Tsuneo: While you're at it, why not add a big blond German Neo-Nazi? Rick: Cool. I could call him... say... The Wall! Rebecca: Been done. Rick: Ok then, how about the Big Arayan Guy! Tsuneo: I was joking. Dan: Works for me. Tsuneo: I give up. I'm going to check the fanmail. [He slinks off to the computer and sits down.] Rick: We get anything? Tsuneo: There's a few here. [They all crowd around the computer.] Our first one's from Red 5. > Hey, some fanmail. > This is from "Issei meets the sailir scouts," which I just read. > >>and therew it at Issei. Issei then grabed > >>it and sayed "What the fuck is THIS?!?" The n a > >>light covered him > >Dan: That has to be the stupidest activation phrase ever. > Reading that, I had a GREAT idea for a fic. > An incompetent SI.....whose activation phrase IS "What the fuck is > this?".......the only question is, what anime involving activation > phrases to mock? > Hmm, decisions, decisions. Sailor Moon, maybe? : ) Rebecca: Go for it! > Also, what's with the "No, waking up without my penis is my worst > nightmare. You don't even make the list." joke? Dan: Well it is my worst nightmare! > Keep up the good work! Rick: Do we have to? Rebecca: I guess so. Tsuneo: Thank you for writing in, Red 5. Our next one's from Keith Palmer on Freefall, chapter one. All: Hi Keith. > I've just read your MSTing of "Bubblegum Climax: Freefall." In a > way, I was as glad as you were to see a Bubblegum Crisis MSTing. EVA > MSTings can be lots of fun, but a steady diet of them can > occasionally pall. All: Tell us about it. > However, I also remained glad to see the MSTing. The raw material > seemed a bit fluffy and harmless, although easy enough to follow and > carrying some nicely formulaic characters and situations. Rick: I'm personally convinced that Demond is Dr. Evil in disguise. > Your > riffing, however, was excellent, nicely focused on building jokes > from the story (I particularly enjoyed the introduction of Demond and > the shuttle trip) and making the nitpicks entertaining (such as the > bit about the distinctive jumpsuit). I do have to comment on just > one point in the story: > > "About time." She checked the maze-like map on a nearby > > board > Nene is in a maze of twisty little concourses, all alike. (It's > probably obscure.) > Otherwise, I'm already waiting for just what happens in the thrilling > continuation. All: We're not. > Postscript from the "Funny How Things Get Around" department: > Recently, there was a posting to rec.arts.anime.creative called "The > Chicken Ball Awards," yearly award postings about anime fanfiction. > There was a category called "Worst New Character," and one of the > nominees was Lisa Foster, apparently just for her guest appearance in > "Cruel Lina's Thesis." DJ Croft took the award (and the Eyrie crew > was not particularly happy to see him written in to receive it), but > as they say, it's an honour just to be nominated. Dan: Wow. Someone actually read Cruel Lina's Thesis. Rick: I don't know weather to be honoured or to cry, so I'll do both. Tsuneo: And thank you as always, Keith. Our last one for today is from DadyTengu. > Shock! Horror! You went and riffed a BGC fic without Maya! Rick: She's to expensive to hire. Dan: She got while the getting was good. > Anyway, > despite that disappointment, you did your usual good job on this one. > And, regarding 2040 fics, I think we'll see a lot of them once the whole > series comes out. Anyway, a few more specific things... > General Motors...sorry, not GM. > All: Huh? > I suppose the author thought he saw a Mobile Suit. > In a similar vein... > > "The new Orbital City Space Habitat is finally complete. > Rebecca: This is the one you've never heard of before. > Dan: Some guy in a silly helmet has already sent it crashing to Earth. > Dan, don't knock Char. He's cool. Dan: I know he's cool, he's just got a silly helmet! > > She had been thinking about the mysterious > > messenger who delivered the datadisk this morning. > Tsuneo: Who was that masked genderless person? > Googleshng? Rebecca: Gesundheit. > > Nene quickly got out of her harness. "What a bumpy ride! > Rebecca: [Priss] Well, if you hadn't kept squirming around. > Tsuneo: Let's not- [Rebecca hits him with a cushion] > Rebecca: I can and will. > I may not be Rebecca's biggest fan, but...thank you. Tsuneo: She deserves it far more often. > At any rate, good job here, and Matt from Cyclone Project has to be one of > the most annoying characters I've seen in a long time. He's worse than Q > on a caffeine rush, and that's saying something. > --DadyTengu > "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." > P.S. Maya! Come back! Voice: Actually, she's just too damn good at avoiding me. Rebecca: Good morning, chairman Rosencrantz. Can I pull the plug for you? Voice: You don't like me, do you? All: Naw. Voice: well I think you can guess what's on today. Rick: We all go home without seeing the fic? Voice: Nope. Dan: We get a massive pay rise? Rebecca: We get paid? Voice: No! Rebecca: Didn't think so. Tsuneo: We get one of those hordes of BGC 2040 fics you've been expecting? Voice: Oh, forget it. Rick: Does that mean we can go home then? Voice: No. you're getting part two of BGClimax: Freefall today. So sit down, shut up and like it. [They all sit - Rick and Rebecca on the forwards couch, Dan and Tsuneo on the sideways one] Rebecca: I suppose we should be glad he didn't tell us to know our roles and shut our mouths. [The TV switches on] > ...continued from part 1... Dan: In case you missed part one... Don't worry. > Inside the Main Cargo Hold, the combat boomers were having a > hard time keeping the three Knight Sabers back. They practically > sprayed the whole place with machine gun fire, laser beam, and > everything else they've got, Rick: Including the kitchen sink. Tsuneo: I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! > but the rounds just don't seem to hit their targets. Rebecca: Ah, so these boomers went to Imperial Stormtrooper marksmanship academy. Dan: Try aiming next time. > As if to prove their worthlessness, Linna rammed into a boomer > shoulder first, knocking it to at least 10 yards away. Rick: That's a foul! You, off! > She swung > about just in time to slash a second one's head off with her > whip-like vibroblades. Rebecca: BGC meets X the movie. > By the time the boomer's body hit the > deck, she had another target in her crosshairs. Rick: Where did Demond get these guys from? Dan: The Trade Federation was having a garage sale. > Sylia meanwhile had gone airborne in the spacious warehouse. Rebecca: That's one mighty big warehouse. > She picked off boomers ducking behind the cargo crates with her > hand guns, all the while dodging shots that were seemingly > impossible to dodge. Tsuneo: Well obviously not if she *dodged* them. Rick: So she dodged shots that are impossible to dodge from boomers who can't hit a thing? Dan: Um... Yes? > Two boomers tried to corner Nene at a dead end, but their > laser beams just glanced off Nene's barrier shield harmlessly. Rebecca: Nene no-sells with the best of them. > So > one boomer dived straight in, crossing the invisible barrier to > attack physically. Nene saw him coming and fired her shoulder > mounted beam guns. The boomer went down like a sand bag. Dan: Wow, even Nene's kicking their butts. How humiliating. > "First catch of the day." Nene congratulated herself and was > about to go after the second boomer when she suddenly picked up > Priss's homing signal, somewhere near. Tsuneo: Since when did Sylia start bugging them anyway? > She looked around, but could see nothing but smoke and fire. Rick: Yeah, I'd say Priss is around here somewhere. > "Over here, Nene!" Priss yelled to directed her attention, > climbing down the ladder of the air vent. > "Priss! Are you okay?" Nene immediately flew over to her. Tsuneo: Hello? What about that other boomer? Are you just going to leave him there? > "Not too bad, save for a concussion. Rebecca: Oh is that all? Dan: Ah, it's just a broken arm. I've had worse. > I see you guys are really cooking it up here." > "There's your hardsuit. Rick: [Nene] Luckily, I was carrying it on my back all this time. Tsuneo: [Nene] We just left it lying around where anyone could get to it. Hope you don't mind. > Hurry up or you won't get even the > leftovers." Nene pointed to the repulsor car not faraway. > "You better save some for me." Priss ran toward it. Rebecca: [Priss] Me want to break things. Ugh. > "Damn you, Knight Sabers!" Dan: [Demond] And your little dog too! > Demond brought his fist down on > the control panel hard, setting off sparks and flashes. Rick: [Demond] Ooh, I might have needed that. > The battle > was going quite badly for him, not at all following his painstakingly > crafted plan. Tsuneo: What, sit around with a whole bunch of boomers and let any old idiot stumble on to you? Rebecca: No plan survives contact with the enemy. Sometimes it doesn't even make it that far. > The Knight Sabers will soon discover his secret hideout. Dan: [Demond] Now where's a hapless messenger I can murder in my rage? > "But I'm not defeated, not yet." Demond swore as yet another > boomer was blown to bits. Rick: Is he responding to the announcer or something? > "Since it has come down to this . . . > I'll have to use my secret weapon." He typed in a command on the > monitor. Tsuneo: Maybe the keyboard instead. Dan: [Demond] But I already smashed the keyboard in a fit of rage. Damn! Rebecca: So much for having the cold logic and rationale of a computer. > Priss had her hardsuit on in no time. She filled Sylia in on > what she learned about Demond, Tsuneo: He's big, stupid and kind of easy to kill. Rick: Oh yeah, and he's got a fluffy white cat. Does that help? > and also, Rena. Rebecca: [Priss] She's kinda soft and squeezy. > The few boomers > left were pinned down by Linna and Nene's cross fire. Dan: That's nice, but Linna doesn't have any guns on that hardsuit. > Then, without warning, a giant cargo container blew open, > within it rose a huge dark form. Rick: It's Lord Soth! He's fresh back from Ravenloft and he's pissed! > It was a mecha, at least one size bigger than a motoroid. Rebecca: So how much is one size? > A small, skull-like head perched on a > massive delta shaped torso, between the twin booms extending from > its back; two huge feet sank half-way into the steel deck plating. > It had a formidable-looking heavy cannon in place of its right > hand; the right arm ended with a gauntlet fist that looked like > an oversized sledgehammer Tsuneo: So does it have a gun or a hand for it's right arm? Rebecca: Both. > "What is it, Nene?" Sylia became alarmed, bringing her hand > guns to bear. Dan: [Nene] Well it's either the Coalition's latest weapon of mass destruction or Doctor Wiley's latest boss robot. Rick: Since they're in a fully enclosed square room, I'd go for the latter. > "I'm working on it." Nene activated the auto scanner, two > micronized radar dish extended out of her helmet. "It's a Doberman Rick: [Nene] Except it looks absolutely nothing like it! > Assault Mecha, AI controlled. It is highly destructive and was > supposedly banned after the Polar War." Nene read off the > information displayed on her HUD. Dan: Nooo, the Doberman's a highly successful space combat boomer. Either look up the real fluff text or don't provide any. > "They won't have to ban this one when it's scrap metal!" Rebecca: Priss keeps up her witty reparte. Rick: I can't believe you just said "reparte." Rebecca: Neither can I. > Priss engaged her jump jet, leaping to the same height as the > Doberman's head. From the hand launcher, Dan: That she doesn't have. > she fired off a string of her > deadly shock needles. To her amazement, all of the shots merely bounced > off upon touching the armor: the monstrous mecha would not even > have flinched, if it could. Rick: Well that was a kind of pointless interjection, wasn't it? > The Doberman growled like a beast and stepped forward, > squashing a hapless boomer who happened to be in the way. Tsuneo: Your ultimate weapon is really impressing us, Demond. Dan: [Doberman] Sorry about that! Wasn't watching. Sorry. > It then opened up with the heavy cannon. Rebecca: Gee, I sure hope he doesn't puncture a wall and suck them all into space or something like that. > Sylia jumped to the side and > began to fire energy bolts. Linna and Nene followed her lead, both > poured their fire onto the giant mecha. But the Doberman seemed > impervious to these all: it swung the huge cannon left and right in a curve, > blowing up rows of containers Tsuneo: Those would be the containers of Demond's smuggled weapons, wouldn't they? Rick: [Demond] I, Demond, will regret this. Dan: Next time, leave the Doberman in the box. > and sending the Knight Sabers diving for cover. Rick: I know this one, you get the Dober Gun from him. Rebecca: This one's easy. You dodge it's fire, then shoot at the ridiculously vulnerable mouth laser. Boss monsters are getting lamer all the time. > "This's not working, we have to scatter out and attack from > all four sides." Sylia said over the comm. channel. Dan: [Linna] What about those of use without guns? Rebecca: [Sylia] Okay Linna, you take the front. Dan: [Linna] I had to ask. > "Okay." the others heard her and moved out, surrounding the > Doberman. Linna was the first to go. Rick: I thought they were going to attack at once? Tsuneo: Yeah, they're going to attack at once one at a time. Rick: Oh. > She threw her dart at the > mecha's right forearm. The polymer string attached to the dart > wound up around the arm, sending a powerful electric current > through it. Rebecca: Say, is that a *non-conductive* polymer string? Just wondering. > In an instant, the entire length of the arm was > covered with lightning-like charges and flying sparks. Dan: Ooh, pretty. > But the power > surge was not enough to fry the Doberman's circuitry. Rick: Unlike Starfleet, Demond believes in surge protectors. > It shook off the > string with a mighty swing, almost taking Linna with it if she had > not cut the connection. Tsuneo: Let's bring some more redundancy into this fic. This fic needs more redundancy. > Sylia sprung open her twin thrusters and jumped. She fired at > the Doberman's head in midair. The shots did little more than > attracting the mecha's attention. Rebecca: [Sylia] Yoo-hoo! Over here! Rick: Doberman smash puny Sabre! > It opened wide its mouth, > unleashing an intense laser beam. Sylia got out of the way fast, > the beam struck a catwalk suspended high above the entrance to > the hideout instead. Dan: Forget the Knight Sabres, the Doberman's wrapping up Demond's operation for him. Rick: I hope he's got this place insured. Rebecca: Say, where are the rest of Demond's boomers by now? Tsuneo: I think the Doberman blew them all up. > The thin cables holding the structure snapped, > and the whole thing came straight down, at Rena, who has just emerged > from the dark corridor. Rebecca: [Rena] Wow, lucky I was here to get squashed! > "No! Get out of the way!" Priss made a mad dash toward the > unaware Rena, Tsuneo: Oh don't worry about her. They'll just clone another identical one for absolutely no reason. Dan: Isn't unaware her normal state? Rebecca: No, wearing an enigmatic black jumpsuit is her normal state. > all thrusters blazing, ignoring the cannon rounds > that were exploding in her path. Rick: These boomers couldn't even hit their own feet if they tried. > She managed to push her out of > the way just before the half ton of steel hit the ground. But her own > left leg was caught under a heavy support beam, crushed if not > for her armored suit. Dan: Well that worked. > "Priss . . . but why?" Rena said half-dazed, recognizing the > voice. She stood up and came to Priss's side. Tsuneo: No, closer toward the kill zone. Rick: We don't like Rena, do we? Dan: Speak for yourself. She looks like Sylvie, so I like her. Rebecca: You would. > "I lost Sylvie, I didn't want to lose you." > "Priss," Rena could hold back the tears no longer. "I think I > understand now, about you, about Sylvie . . . " Rebecca: [Priss] We were just good friends! Really! Just good friends! > But she could say > no more, as the Doberman turned to face them, powering up its mouth > laser. Rick: [Doberman] Ooh... Squishy things... Rebecca: So having already torched all his boomer henchmen, half his headquarters and all the weapons he was smuggling, the Doberman now turns on Demond's witless minion. Great work, Demond! Tsuneo: They certainly won't be getting the twenty million dollar subtlety bonus for this one. > Rena tried to lift the beam, but couldn't, so she finally > positioned herself over Priss, closed her eyes. Rick: This is neither the time nor the place. Rebecca: [Priss] This feels strangely familiar. > Seconds later, > She heard the discharge of the laser and waited for it to hit home > ... but it never came. Tsuneo: [Doberman] What do you know, I ran out of juice. > "Priss!" Rena heard another voice. She opened her eyes and > saw a red combat suit standing between them and the Doberman. Dan: Char Anzable's here to save the day! Rick: Only if he gets to drop Genaros on a major city. Tsuneo: I think it's meant to be Nene. Rebecca: Nene's suit is pink. > The > laser beam was being deflected by a half-visible energy canopy > surrounding her rescuer. Dan: I can't believe he used the term "energy canopy." > "Nice timing, Nene." Priss said while Sylia and Linna landed > and removed the load on her leg. She then briefly introduced Rena > and the rest of the team to each other. Rick: Hello, guys! Doberman? Nene? Barrier? Oh, forget it. Dan: [Linna] How come our Priss always gets the hot groupies? > "Can't you save it for later, Priss? Rebecca: [Priss] No! I want some and I want some now! > I can't hold this vacuum-head off forever!" Nene called out. All: Vacuum head? Tsuneo: Ooh, he must really be hurting from that one. > Already her barrier > shield was beginning to overload from the concentrated laser > fire. > Vacuum . . . Sylia suddenly had an idea. Rick: [Sylia] It's funky, it's sassy, it's a certified hamdinger! > "Rena, you know this place. Where's the nearest airlock?" > Rena first hesitated, then she told herself this is Priss's > friend, someone I can trust. Dan: Um, Rena? Don't you work for the bad guys? > "There's one in the Auxiliary > Shuttle Hangar used for emergency ejection, right next to us." she > pointed to a passage way. Rebecca: Oh my! How ridiculously convenient! > "Everyone to the hangar, make sure the Doberman's behind us!" Dan: Oh, I don't think that'll be a problem. > Sylia took off, Rick: [Sylia] Enough of this, I'm outta here. > followed by Nene. Dan: [Race caller] And Linna on the outside with Priss ahead by a nose. > Rena held on to Priss and Linna > brought up the rear, occasionally exchanging fire with the pursuing > mecha. Tsuneo: They don't seem to be terribly worried about it hitting them. Rick: Nah, there's plenty more of Demond's stuff to wreck. > Soon the group reached the hangar. Two standard Orca shuttles > stood side by side on their launch pad, to the right of them was a > giant door painted with yellow-black warning stripes---the airlock. Rick: Actually, it was the fridge. It hasn't been cleaned out in months. > Nene ran over to the command console located right beside it. She > opened the inside hatch. Dan: Wow, it's a freeform recreation of the end of "Aliens." > "Here it comes!" Linna flew straight toward the airlock. Right > after her came the Doberman, heavy cannon at port arms, Rebecca: No, I don't think that means anything at all. > propelled > by triple rocket boosters and the mindless urge to hunt down its > prey. Dan: [Doberman] Crush. Kill. Destroy. Crush. Kill. Donut. Rick: That mindless urge really gets you good mileage. > Linna veered off to one side just before entering the opened > hatch. Realizing her intention, the Doberman tried desperately to > decelerate at last coming to a halt half-way inside the airlock. Tsuneo: Sucker. > But it was already too late: Tsuneo: The fic was half over before we even knew it. > the Doberman did an about face and > discovered that the preys have lined up against it, ready to > strike. Rick: Is "preys" a real word? Dan: I don't think so. > "Fire!" Sylia gave the call and everyone opened up at the > same time, even Rena, who had taken up an assault rifle. Rebecca: [Rena] I know it won't do anything, but I don't want to be seen as completely useless. > The Doberman > was struck by plasma bolts, laser beams, high-explosive shells, > and Gatling bullets all at once. Dan: Where's all that junk coming from? Rebecca: That's some rifle Rena's packing. > Although the thick armor protected > the mecha from the worst, nothing could reduce the combined force of > the many thousand impacts. Tsuneo: Many thousand? What kind of rate of fire are they getting there? And what sort of ammo clip has Rena got? Rebecca: She's loaded with alternating deadly Hollywood logic and John Woo cinematics. > The Doberman toppled over backward as it lost its footing, Rick: Timberrr! > into the airlock entirely. Using remote > control, Nene quickly closed the inside hatch, and at the same time, > opened the external one. A gash of air was sucked out into the cold > vacuum of space, along with the trapped mecha. Tsuneo: That's one small step for man... > "We did it!" Nene was always the first to declare victory. > "All for nothing, unfortunately." the big view screen above > the command console suddenly flicked on. It was Demond, sitting > comfortably in the pilot chair of a shuttle. Dan: [Demond] I'm going to sit here and gloat for no reason, even though my plans have been destroyed. I'm also going to give you a clean shot at my present location. [He holds his pinky to his lips] > "Gave up, you are at the end of your rope." Sylia demanded. > "Ha, ha. Far from that, Knight Sabers." a devilish grin > appeared on Demond's face. "If you probe the content of my shuttle, > the Orca-5, you'll find a 100-megaton neutron missile. Dan: Where'd that come from? Rick: The fridge. I told you we should have cleaned it. > Its target of destruction is Downtown Mega Tokyo." Tsuneo: [Demond] I'm going to free boomers by destroying the largest concentration of them! Er, wait a minute... Rebecca: Actually, with 100 megatons he's likely to wipe out most of southern Japan. > "He's not joking!" Nene has already probed the shuttle. Dan: What do you know, it also has a large number of Jaguar sports cars and Apollo capsules. > Sylia was about to speak when Rena suddenly cut in. Rick: [Rena] Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Anyone here? > "Why you are doing this, Demond? Dan: [Demond] It's just my... Oh, what's the word? Rick: Idiom? Dan: [Demond] Yes! It's my idiom! Tsuneo: Go easy on him, it's his first act of cliched villainy. > Why you want to kill so many innocent people? Rebecca: [Demond] Because I'm evil, dammit! Evil! [She holds her pinky to her lips] > Isn't that too great a price, even to reach our goal?" > "Who are you to ask? Traitor!" Demond became enraged at the > sight of his former assistant standing alongside his enemies. Rick: Wow. Rena really changed sides quickly. > "No price is too great for me! See you in hell, Knight Sabers!" Rick: [Demond] How do I turn this thing off? [He makes a windscreen wiper noise] No, that's not it. > he > cut off the transmission. The entire hangar started to tremble as > Orca-5's engine powered up. Tsuneo: That's not the Orca, that's the plot shaking itself to pieces. > "Bastard!" Rebecca: No, Demond. He's not cool enough to be the Bastard. > Priss fired several shots at the glowing thrusters, > but without any apparent effect. Everyone dove for cover as the > shuttle blasted off. Rick: And promptly rammed into the closed shuttle bay doors. Dan: [Demond] Oops. Forgot about them. Hehe. > "What do we do, Sylia?" Nene asked anxiously. "We can't just > let him destroy the whole city!" Dan: Why not? It'll be pretty from up here. > "But how do we stop him?" Linna said, staring out of a view > port at the dwindling shape of the shuttle. Tsuneo: [Linna] You know, we should have done something while he was gloating. Rick: You reckon? > "We'll take the second ship." Sylia has already decided. Rebecca: Okay Buck Rogers, but what do you do then? > Moments later, Orca-6 launched into space with only Sylia > and Linna on board. Tsuneo: Okay, someone give me a good reason why she took Linna on the shuttle rather than Nene. Rick: You never know when a stockbroker might come in handy. Tsuneo: I'll pay that one. > The rest stayed behind to monitor the situation. Rebecca: Yeah, right. That's their excuse and they're sticking to it. > "I'm utilizing the Habitat's main radar." Nene reported over > the comm. channel. "I think I've found him . . . Dan: [Nene] No wait, that was just a speck of grit on the radar. Sorry. > there he is, > Sylia." Nene sent the radar signal to the shuttle's computer. A > red dot appeared on the tracking computer in front of Sylia. > "Can we catch to him before he gets within strike range?" Tsuneo: It's only a thirty-six hour flight to Earth, so we might be cutting it a little close. > Linna asked worriedly, strapped herself down in the co-pilot's > chair. Tsuneo: Didn't you do that before taking off? Rick: She had to use the little girl's room. > "We have to try." Sylia increased the throttle. Dan: [Sylia] Ramming speed! Rebecca: [Sylia] Good thing I took that correspondence course in shuttle piloting. > "They are on an intercept course now." Nene continued to > watch the radar display closely. Rick: It's better than anything else on TV. > Priss was having a hard time to sit still, Dan: Her butt's sore. > but there really wasn't anything she could do at the moment. Rebecca: Priss gets anxious and uneasy if she can't break anything. > She came up to Rena, who stood before the view port in silence. > "I should have known in the beginning." Rena signed. Tsuneo: [Rena] I should have suspected something when he talked about mass destruction and genocide. > "It's not your fault . . . Dan: Actually it is, but what the hey. > we'll catch him, somehow." Priss > put an armored hand on her shoulder, trying to ensure her, even > though she was uncertain herself. > "Do you know what that is, Priss?" Rena asked all of a > sudden. Tsuneo: I'm guessing it's a sudden plot contrivance. It wouldn't be the first time. > "Huh?" Priss looked to where she was pointing at and saw a > small shiny object. Dan: We're in the middle of a life or death situation and you let yourself get distracted by shiny things. > It was too big to be a star . . . "Why, that's > an orbital laser satellite." Rebecca: Okay. Genaros is at L5, which is 250,000km from earth. The particle beam satellites are in geosynchronous orbit, which would make them about 37,000km from earth. I just don't think Priss' eyesight is that good. > Priss remembered. She was almost > atomized by a near-miss of the super weapon a couple years ago, > then controlled by Largo. Tsuneo: Which of course means she knows exactly what the satellite looks like. > "It's strange, but I have this feeling that I can control > it." Rena looked troubled. "It's almost instinctive . . ." Dan: And remember folks, every clone of a dead escaped 33-S boomer that works for a maniacal cyborg villain gets automatically installed with a USSD black box satellite control system! Order yours today! Tsuneo: This is just too stupid for words. > "What? Could it be that you have a direct link with the > satellite?!" Nene overheard the conversation. "Wow! We can shoot > Demond down from right here!" Tsuneo: [Nene] It's incredibly convenient and blatantly stupid at the same time! It's cool! Rebecca: This has got to be one of the biggest plot contrivances I've ever seen. > "I can try to establish a linkage. I'll need an interface." Dan: Hang on, if she does have a USSD black box as the implication seems to be, then she should be able to control it without any outside help. > Rena wanted to atone for having helped Demond in his evil plan. Rick: Detailed research shows that the best way to atone for helping the arch-villain with his evil plan is to turn on him when he least expects it, get captured and have sex with James Bond at the end of the film. Rebecca: [Priss] Wanna hear my Sean Connery impersonation? > "No problem." Nene connected the cables on her wrist to the > computer and started working. Just then, Priss noticed that the > airlock hatch seemed to be glowing. Rick: [Priss] Uh, does it normally do that? Dan: They're here. > She walked closer to > investigate, and saw that the middle part of the hatch was > actually melting. Rebecca: Offhand I would say that's a bad thing. > "Look out!" Priss barely shout out a warning as the hatch > blew open in her face. Tsuneo: Resulting in an explosive decompression and everyone being sucked out into space. The end. > "Ten kilometers and closing . . . " Sylia read out the > tracking display. She could see Demond's shuttle now, directly > before them, blazing away toward Earth. Rebecca: Wow, everyone in this fic has got amazing eyesight. > "Sylia, we have trouble. I can't activate the hull mounted > laser!" Linna reported from the weapons console. Dan: Is that because they don't have a hull-mounted laser? Rick: Could be. Tsuneo: Admit it, you're just making all this up. > "Damn, Demond must have sabotaged it!" Rebecca: Or it could just be malfunctioning. Tsuneo: Okay then, why didn't he just sabotage the whole shuttle to stop people from coming after him? > Sylia cursed, rather > a rare thing for her, but stayed calm. They were too close, too > close to give up. "Linna, get to the escape pod, it's still > operational. Rick: [Sylia] I'm going to fire you at him. > I'm going to ram him once we catch up to him." Dan: Fortunately he doesn't seem to have seen you coming. > "What about you?" > "Don't worry, I have to remain just a little longer to keep > the shuttle on course---the autopilot is also down. Tsuneo: Nothing works on this stupid ship. Rebecca: Say is this Orca 6 or Starbug 1? > But don't wait for me if time runs out, that's an order!" > "Sylia . . . " at last Linna reluctantly left the cockpit. > Sylia centered Demond's shuttle in the inactive laser's crosshairs > and pulled the throttle all the way back, a determined look on > her face. Dan: [Sylia] Okay, time to say something stirring and memorable. Rebecca: Didn't I see this in one of the Yamato movies? Hell, didn't I see this in all the Yamato movies? > Back on the Habitat, Priss has just recovered from the > blast. Through the shattered visor she could see a familiar shape > emerging form the smoke filled airlock: Dan: Heeere's Johnny! > it was the Doberman, lightly damaged Rick: And char-grilled. > in their last encounter but otherwise functional and > menacing-looking as ever. > "You were right about it being a vacuum-head, Nene." Priss > said, standing up. Rick: How so? Dan: Well, it has a head... And it was in vacuum... And... Um. > "Can you hold it off a little longer? We are almost done > here!" Tsuneo: [Priss] Oh sure, just little old me against one big and angry boomer. No problem. Do you want fries with that? > Nene and Rena picked up their pace, continuing to work on > the computer. Rebecca: [Nene] Come on Geocities, load the damned page! > "Of course. I'm gonna finish it myself!" Priss charged at > the Doberman, all guns on autofire. Tsuneo: [Priss] Well, my guns haven't had any effect on it before, so I'm just gonna keep firing them. > The giant mecha stood up against the hail of bullets. Rick: [Doberman] I'm huge! > It raised its heavy cannon and swung the > long barrel like a baseball bat, at the incoming combat suit. Dan: And it's a long fly ball! No wait, it's a long fly hardsuit! > Priss > dodged the swing, but was hit by the Doberman's follow up left > punch. She fell down at the mecha's feet, seemingly unconscious. Rebecca: [Priss] I never had it this bad, even in Grand Mal. > "Priss!" Rena cried, firing at the Doberman with her assault > rifle. The mecha ignored her, turning around instead to face Nene, > who was coming down at it from behind. The Doberman launched a > full spread of IR missiles at her from two shoulder launchers. Dan: Where'd those come from? Rick: Don't you know? They're right next to the nose lasers. > Nene dodged some, shot down a couple, and deviated the rest off course > with her ECM system. Tsuneo: Given how ineffective its weaponry is, I'm surprised it bothers to keep firing at all. Rick: Come on, there's still more of Demond's property to blow up. > But she failed to see the Doberman's fist > coming as she cleared the barrage. Rebecca: Sucker punch! Dan: When in doubt, haymaker! > The blow sent Nene flying across > the length of the hangar. She slammed into a wall, leaving a big > dent in the reinforced steel plating. Tsuneo: [Nene, dazed] Apart from that, I'm fine. > The mecha then refocused its attention on Priss, who lay on > the floor face down. The Doberman's infrared sensor still detected > life signs coming from the damaged combat suit, so it began to > charge its mouth laser. > But Priss did not pass out: she was merely waiting for the > right moment to strike. Dan: Oh, so letting it clobber Nene was part of her plan? Rebecca: No, but it was fun to watch anyway. > From the corner of her eye she could see > a white hot disc forming in the Doberman's mouth, growing bigger > with each passing second. Now! Dan: [Priss] I'm going to get killed! > Priss rolled over on her back and fired > a single shock needle at the disc, just as it reached the maximum > size. The shot went through the tiny gap in the center of the > disc, Tsuneo: So the mouth laser's got a hole in it? > destroying the small reflector mirrors behind it. No longer held > in bound, the laser discharged inside the Doberman's skull. Rick: Huh? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Rebecca: Yeah, without the focusing mirrors and such, it just wouldn't fire at all. Tsuneo: Then it must be... Contrived. > Priss > covered her eyes as the explosion ripped apart the mecha's entire > upper torso. Rebecca: Welcome to fanfiction, where the laws of physics are totally effed up. > "That was one in a million." Nene said amazed, recovering > from her own collision. "Wish I can pull a stunt like that." Dan: No Nene, that would involve being useful. > "Whatever. Is the interface complete?" > "All set." Nene nodded in confirmation. Priss looked as Rena > sat behind the control console, wearing a modified headphone. She > reached out with her awareness, searching for the beacon. Tsuneo: Surprisingly enough, despite all the shooting, firing, explosions, airlocks melting and explosive decompression it's actually ready to go. > "What? Are you sure?" Sylia has just received Nene's report > about their new plan. Dan: [Sylia] Sounds pretty stupid to me. Rebecca: [Nene] Don't tell her that. > "Yes. She's synchronizing with the satellite right now. We > can attack as soon as you pull out of the line of fire." Tsuneo: Loading, please wait. Rick: This isn't the US air force. We don't do the friendly fire thing. > Sylia looked out of the forward view port: she could clearly > see the Orca-5's marking. Rebecca: Wow, you must be right on top of him by now. > "This is our last chance, if the beam misses . . . " Dan: You can just fire the satellite cannon again. > "Trust her, Sylia." Priss plead over the comm. channel, "She > won't let him destroy the city!" Rick: [Sylia] So why is she pointing the gun down? > "All right, it's up to you now." Sylia put behind her > uncertainty and broke off the pursuit. Dan: [Sylia] Okay, but if this goes wrong Priss, you're taking the blame. Tsuneo: [Sylia] Why yes, I see absolutely no reason not to trust someone who used to work for the villain and is now armed with one of the world's most powerful weapons. > Rena continued her synchronization with the satellite. Rebecca: [Ritsuko] So far her sync rate's up to 167%. That's not bad for a first-timer. > The > link was finally complete. She felt her senses expend as she > became one with the super weapon. Rick: [Rena] I am like, one with the cosmos. This is like, so *totally* trippy. > She could see the whole planet below > her, and the city of Mega Tokyo, beneath the swirling clouds. Dan: You can see the cubs losing from here. > Demond's shuttle came into view: a yellow-red streak amidst the > white and blue. She locked on to it. > "They took out my base, I destroy their city: fair game." Dan: I dunno, there's a good few million people who might argue that. Rebecca: And besides, it was your Doberman, not them who wrecked your base. > Demond said to himself with a smile, alone in the dark cockpit. Tsuneo: Can someone turn on a light in here? > He flipped open the safety cap of the launch trigger when the > computer reported a positive lock. "Now you shall pay, worthless > human... All: He's dead. > ahhhhhhh!" his satisfying grin turned into a scream as a blinding > brightness engulfed him. Rick: [Demond] I regret nothing! > It was an energy beam, tremendous and > intense as the heart of a nova. Dan: How hot is that, anyway? Rick: It's almost as hot as the Mexican burger at El Greaseball's down the road. > It pierced the metal hull of the > ship like a lance of lightning, ripping everything apart. > Soundlessly, the shuttle incinerated in a ball of subatomic fire. Rebecca [Nina]: And you know, that's gotta hurt. > Epilogue > "Sure you don't want to stay a little longer?" Priss asked, > holding Rena's hand. Dan: [Rena] Well your friends did kind of throw me out. > The two were standing before a big window, > one of many in the spacious boarding terminal of the Mega Tokyo > Airport. Outside, a sleek, white passenger jet taxied along the > runway. Rick: [Priss] Say, isn't that your flight? Dan: [Rena] D'oh! > It's only been a month since they left the Habitat > together, all too soon came the time to say good bye. Tsuneo: Where'd you get the money for airfares anyway? Rebecca: [Rena] Pay up or the city gets it! > "I've already made up my mind. I want to see more of the > world, and maybe, to find my place in it. Tsuneo: [Rena] Somewhere I'll be accepted for the vital Deus Ex Machina I am. > Ha, it's almost time to > go now." Rena picked up her red suitcase, a gift from Nene. Dan: How touching. > "Good bye, Priss. I'll always remember what you said to me." Rebecca: [Priss] But we were just good friends! Really! Just good friends! > She walked > down the boarding tunnel, turning around to wave one last time at > the entrance to the plane. > "Goodbye, Rena." Dan: [Priss] Don't let the door smack you on the butt on the way out! > Priss waved back, a nostalgic but peaceful feeling in her heart. Rick: No, that's indigestion. > Goodbye, Sylvie. Tsuneo: [Priss] Oh well, it's not like I've got a life to get on with. > A small escape pod, scarred and scorched by its mother ship's > fiery demise, floated in the dark void. Rick: Oh, come on! Lame! Dan: What, so it's been up there for a month? > For a while, it just hanged > there in space, seemingly motionless, undistinguishable from the > other debris, Rebecca: Hang on, wasn't the shuttle vaporised? Dan: Yeah, but there was still debris. Rebecca: Huh? > but before long the force of gravity overcame the > force of inertia---the pod left orbit and drifted downward, > toward the unwary blue-white planet below . . . Tsuneo: And burned up on re-entry. > THE END Tsuneo: I couldn't have said it better myself. > * * * * * * Rick: If you enjoyed this fic, you may enjoy tapping your head against heavy metal objects. > Please send all comments to geoclimber@aol.com. (Note: I'll be > getting a new e-mail address pretty soon, so after October 19th, > please post comments to alt.fan.bgcrisis, under heading addressed > to Rick or Geoclimber.) The next installment in the series is > Dark Horizon. Dan: It'll feature plot contrivances, a lame villain and a pointlessly stroppy new character. Enjoy! Rebecca: Voice, don't you dare. > Also available is the first chapter of a BGC/Star > Wars crossover, Bubblegum Wars: A New Loop. [The TV switches off] Dan: That was predictable. Rebecca: Really? Dan: Well... No. Rick: And pointless to boot. Voice: Can I get proper reviews now? Tsuneo: The fic amazes me with the incredibly stupid contrivances it pulls out, one after another. first, someone clones a dead escaped boomer for no good reason, who just happens to sign up with an anti-human maniac. Then, despite how much of a clear look Priss gets at her, she can't tell her gender. Then the ropes just *happen* to fall off Priss, then Rena just *happens* to appear under a falling walkway and just *happens* to find a nigh-on omnipotent assault rifle. And don't get me started about the satellite linkage. Dan: While we're at it, I thought that Rena was a really lame new character. I mean, she's stroppy, soft-hearted, troublesome and a danger magnet. I have a really hard time believing she'd through in with Demond, given how ridiculously soft she is. I mean, come on! She's meant to be a terrorist, for crying out loud. Rebecca: The technical inconsistencies in the fic annoyed me a bit. Firstly there was such things as the ridiculously short flight to the space station. One hour rather than thirty-six is a considerable difference. And then there's Priss being able to see a satellite that's over 200,000 kilometers away with her naked eyes. Also the hardsuit's weapons were rather inconsistent. The fic is set post BG-Crash so presumably they'd be using the Version Three hardsuits. Yet the weapons they use are from different hardsuit designs. Linna, for example used a laser and the entangling daggers. Rick: Well, I kinda liked Demond myself. He was a rather lame villain, but he was lame in a funny way. He has a cliche villain plan, a useless flunky that betrays him and hopelessly incompetent witless minions. He captured Priss, explained all his plans to here and left her guarded by only an incompetent underling. He unleashed a terror weapon that did more damage to his own operation then the Knight Sabers did. And then he gets blown up at the last minute by the heroes. Actually, that did get me a bit. The way he survived the end of the fic was so lame that, that... Rebecca: It should be in your comic? Rick: Exactly! Dan: Well, I wonder what would happen if he did ever show up again. Tsuneo: Something stupid, I'd imagine. Rick: Yeah... I can see it now. He turns up with a clone of Sho's Mother hanging around him and promptly captures Linna. He explains his plan to her... say, what is his evil plan? Tsuneo: I don't know. Rebecca: He's going to build a giant laser beam on the moon to blow up the Earth. Dan: Don't need to. There's the particle satellites. Rick: Well then he's going to build eight powerful boomers and lock them up in square rooms. Rebecca: Whatever. Rick: And then he unleashes his special weapon, the Yipping Doom! Dan: Which promptly blow up his base. Rick: Cursing the night Sabers, he activates the Doomsday Device (TM). He's about to blow up, um... Rebecca: Walla Walla, Washington. Rick: Why there? Rebecca: Random inoffensive bit of scenery. Rick: OK, he's about to blow that up when the Clone of Sho's Mother saves the day by blowing him up with the Wave Motion Gun, which she just happened to have on her. Dan: Sounds cool. Tsuneo: Pretty believable too. Rick: I should jot all this down. There could be a four issue story arc in all this. Rebecca: I worry, Rick. I really do. [They all file out. The screen goes blank] Voice: You're not the only one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley & Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > "What? Could it be that you have a direct link with the > satellite?!"