----- Episode 203 – A professionally-written comic book. Yet, it still looks more like bad fanfic. ----- It was a nice apartment, well-lit, spacious and well furnished. A pair of nice, plush leather couches set the scene, arranged in a neat L-shape, with a small coffee table between them. What dominated the room, however, was the massive flat-screen against one wall, so big as to loom over all else around it. By comparison, the broad windows with views out over a strangely futuristic metropolis and the other doorways leading away to gods alone knew where seemed like afterthoughts. Rick and Rebecca entered, the pair of them in mid-conversation. “So anyway, I’m thinking of a re-tool to the concept.” Rick explained, his sketchbook in hand as he walked. “Your concept hasn’t even reached print.” Rebecca shot back. “How can you re-tool it already?” “I figure I’m beating the rush to the inevitable issue six-or-so retool anyway.” Rick continued, not missing a beat. “So if I change it ahead of time, I won’t have to do it then.” “Your logic is amazing.” Rebecca dryly commented. “So what’s the plan now?” “So I was thinking that the crazed time-travelling commando could be some sort of treasure hunter.” He excitedly explained. “He roams space and time looking for lost treasures and mysterious relics and the like.” “Sounds familiar…” “Well that was the idea!” He excitedly spoke up. “See, I was thinking that I could use some of your stuff – with your permission – as inspiration.” She raised a brow. “You know most of what I do is secret and all.” Rick nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, I guessed. But I’m sure there’s stuff you can tell me regardless. Like a few good stories or stuff that don’t involve hidden secrets that man was not meant to know or any of the other stuff you explicitly said you didn’t do.” Rebecca laughed at the comment. “Right. Well I’d say that my favourtie expedition was the one where I met and nearly blew up Dan. And yes, my blowing him up is one of the reasons why.” “Nasty.” Rick casually commented as he continued writing. “And you can’t say why you blew it up?” “Nope. But I had reasons, and Dan being in there wasn’t one of them.” She confirmed. “Not a problem. I’ll just say it’s your basic ‘secrets best left buried’ thing and make something up.” His tone was earnest and enthusiastic as he continued to scrawl in his notebook. “You carry that thing everywhere?” “Oh yeah. Never know when inspiration will strike.” She raised a brow. “Tsuneo must have loved you for that…” She glanced back at the door, then shrugged. “Speaking of which, where are wonder-boy and Captain Stupid?” “Actually, the pair of them have the day off.” The Voice spoke up, coming both literally and figuratively out of nowhere. “Instead I’m going to be bringing in a pair of new reviewers to provide a fresh perspective and alternative commentary.” “So we get our own b-team.” Rick excitedly commented. “Cool!” “Don’t get too excited. They’re probably unshaven louts that make Dan look like sophistication itself.” “And you don’t even know me.” A new voice spoke up, the pair of them turning towards the doorway. A tall, lean man entered, clean-shaven and neat looking with short black hair, blue eyes and a sporting a rather snappy suit (albeit without a tie). “Nice.” “oooh, burned.” Rick sniped as Rebecca glared back at him. “Name’s Rick R, by the way.” He offered a hand and got a friendly shake in reply. “And that’s Rebecca Bartley.” “Matt Simmons” the newcomer replied warmly. “And is she always like this?” “Only when she gets shown up. Which is almost never.” He joked. “Classy. So you the employer or-“ “That would be me.” The Voice cut in. “Disembodied voice. Classy.” Matt replied, his tone sounding like he expected it. “Would you mind telling us all a bit about yourself?” The Voice continued. “Just so we can all get a good idea of what you do and the like.” “Sure.” He gave an amicable nod. “I’m from a major world of a major alliance; my mother’s a diplomat and my father’s an ace pilot, so she claims he gives her lots of work.” There was a small smirk on his lips as he casually wandered around the apartment, eyes on the shelves and their contents more then the other occupants. “I work as a sort of undercover anthropologist, you could say.” Matt continued. “I go onto planets to investigate their peoples and cultures to see if they’re ready or even suitable for contact with other societies and identify cultural elements that could pose a hazard to contact to other parties.” “Sounds fun…and a bit like what Rebecca does.” “I have no doubt.” Matt nodded. “Generally you can find things that stick out; Xenophobia, isolationism, technophobia… an inexplicable hatred of cybernetics.” He glanced over at Rebecca, who seemed to be glaring daggers back at him. “Awesome. I’ll have to drill you for ideas then.” Rick excitedly replied. “At least, what you’re allowed to talk about.” “I imagine you get that a lot.” He looked at the woman again, before turning back to Rick. “Anyways, nice to meet ya and glad to have you on board.” Rick finished. “Just a pity it has to be under these sorts of circumstances.” “So where’s the other one?” Rebecca looked up at the ceiling. “I mean, we got a ‘smart’ one to replace Tsuneo, so that means…” Rick shrugged as she turned to look at him. “Doesn’t necessarily have to follow pattern” Rebecca nodded. “True. We may get lucky.” “You have a great respect for your workmates there.” Matt noted. “You haven’t met them.” Rebecca shot back. “Point.” “Uh, met who?” A woman’s voice interjected. The three of them turned towards the door where another newcomer was stepping in. Nearly as tall as Rebecca, she had blue eyes and long black hair tied into a messy ponytail. Her attire was in stark contrast to Matt’s, being a tatty midriff-baring shirt, baggy combat pants and chunky boots. The tribal tattoo pattern snaking down her left arm only added to the image. “Ah! Good to see you, and welcome onboard.” The Voice spoke up as she stepped in, looking around. “Is that some sort of disembodied voice?” The woman spoke up. “Or am I just too sleep-deprived again?” “No, that’s our boss.” Rebecca replied. “He’s called… Voice, but you can call him whatever you want.” “So Bob it is.” The woman nodded with a smile. “Nice. Name’s Natasha Isavia, by the way.” “Rebecca Bartley, Rick R. and Matt Simmons.” Rebecca indicated around the room. “Would you mind telling us a little about yourself?” The Voice continued. “Sure thing, Bob.” She smirked. “So I come from a world that kinda fell of the map a bit. Not sure, but we got big cities and not many people in ‘em. I mean, I live in a giant art-deco inspired tower block with, maybe a dozen other people tops.” Natasha shrugged. “Means I the neighbors don’t complain much, plus I sorta got an indoor pool.” “Sorta?” Rick asked. “Ground floor is flooded.” “Luxury of a sort.” Rebecca added. “So what do you do?” “Mostly I work in the tech salvage business; people mount expeditions to empty cities or buried bunkers or old warehouses and the like, and need people like me to go over what they find to see what it is, if it can be fixed and if it’s worth anything. Fun job, actually. I get to see all kinds of neat stuff and occasionally keep some for myself. Got a mostly nice car from the deal.” “’Mostly nice’?” Rebecca raised her brow in disbelief. “Needs work, some cleaning, maybe fix the upholstery a little, electrical are shot, makes worrying noises when you start it, but like I said, mostly nice.” “She and Dan would get on great. Whether that’s a good thing…” Rick noted. “At least she’s not some spastic rhesus monkey.” Rebecca added. “Hey! What’s wrong with that?” Natasha angrily demanded. “I don’t-“ “Spastic Rhesus Monkeys is the name of my garage band.” She stated, her tone defiant. “And we’re awesome.” There was an awkward silence. “I… didn’t know that.” Rebecca finally spoke up. “Nice going.” Matt added. “Sorry about that, Miss. For what it’s worth, I’m sure your band is… a band.” “Cool beans.” She nodded. “I’ll give you a demo download sometime.” “That would be fantastic.” Matt finished with utmost fake sincerity. “Anyway, if we’re all done, I was hoping to get started with today’s review.” The Voice interjected. “So if Wonder Boy and Captain Stupid aren’t here, it’s not going to be more of Delta, I take it.” “That’s right. I thought I’d try something a little different.” The Voice agreed. “Today rather than a fan production, you’ll be looking at a professionally published comic book.” “That bodes.” Rick muttered. “Why do I suspect the words ‘Image’ and ‘nineties’ will be involved?” “Actually, this is the first issue of Dreamwave’s Transformers Prime Directive series from 2002.” The Voice offered. “Not much of an improvement.” Rick shrugged. “Still, money’s money.” “So what do you want us to do?” Natasha asked as she sat down on the couch. “Obstinately our job is to provide feedback and criticism.” Rebecca explained. “But in truth we just poke fun at it throughout.” “Sounds fun.” Natasha nodded at the others sat. “I mean, how bad can it be?” “Lady, you don’t wanna know.” Rick replied as the big screen switched on, causing a change to script format. Natasha: So which version of issue one is this? Rick: Twelfth printing, cover two. It has Brawn holding up a sign saying "Not dead yet" and Rumble and Frenzy throwing red and blue paint at each other. Rebecca: Damn, I was hoping for the seventeenth printing. Rick: Which one was that? Rebecca: The one with Ramjet and Thrust on the cover, both wearing Zorro masks. Ramjet is eating toast, while Thrust just looks confused. Natasha: ...I'm not going to pretend to get that one. > Writer: Chris Sarracini Rebecca: You know, I always assumed that Chris Sarracini was just another alias for Pat Lee. Matt: Interesting thought, but what’d that accomplish? Rebecca: It’d mean that he could give himself a second paycheck while not handing one to Alex Milne. > Penciler: Pat Lee Rick: Superstar Artist Mister Talented Paticus Transman Michiyamenotehi Funana Ri-Chan! Rebecca: Also known as Alex Milne. > Inker: Rob Armstrong > Backgrounds: Edwin Garcia > Colorist: TheRealT! Matt: His job is to ensure that everything is an incoherent colour-washed blur. Natasha: It’s the house style! > Letterer: Dreamer Design > Editor: Roger Lee Matt: Because when your chief editor is your younger brother, that fosters so much editorial control. > [Jungle with tents] Rick: This is just two tents. Natasha: Terribad. [She hits him with a cushion] > A jungle in South America, 5:42 am local time Rebecca: Remember that time in Pogata? > [Two soldiers] Rick [German]: It is cold tonight Hans. Natasha [German]: Ja. Rick [German]: I hope the war will be over soon. Natasha [German]: Ja. I wish to see my lovely wife and two small children again. Rick [German]: Let us hope that no Transformers appear and try and kill us. Natasha [German]: What are the chances of that happening? No Transformer could get in here! Ha ha ha! Rick [German]: Ha ha ha! > Soldier 1: I hate night patrol. Hate it. I'd like to sleep too you know. > Got a light? > Soldier 2: Yeah, but you know how the general feels about nighttime > smoking. Natasha: No smoking after sex? Harsh. Rebecca: He got a little burned on the idea. Literally. > Soldier 1: Lucky for me the general is asleep. Matt: He’s not the only one. > [Soldier 2 hands Soldier 1 a matchbook] > Soldier 2: Fine, here. > [Soldier 1 lights up] > Soldier 2: Hurry up, the light will give away our position. You never know > who's watching. Natasha: I wish we weren’t. > Soldier 1: Yeah, yeah. I heard that wives’ tale enough times. Matt [Soldier 1]: They don’t put Saltpeter in the eggs, for the zillionth time. > Just cover me > while I go take a leak. We are allowed to do that, aren't we? > [Soldier 1 unzips his pants] Rebecca: So one of the first things we see in a Dreamwave Transformers comic is a guy taking a pee. Kinda sets the stage for what’s to come. > [Soldier 1 and Soldier 2] > [Soldier 1 and Soldier 2] Rick: Transformers! > [Soldier 1 and Soldier 2 with a large hand behind him.] Natasha: Hey, you don’t reckon that’s an actual Transformer, do you? Matt: At this stage, I’d take a binged-up Gobot. > [Soldier 1, hand crushes Soldier 2] Rebecca: Alas poor Soldier 2, we knew him… actually, we didn’t know him nor did we give a rat’s. > [Soldier 1 with Soldier 2 crushed in hand] > Soldier 1: Whew, say Manny, should I ask the general for permission to pull > up my pants? Matt [Drill Sergeant]: You will not take a pee without my permission! You will not pull up your pants without permission! Rick [Soldier 2]: What if I need to number two? Matt [Drill Sergeant]: In that case you better hold that number two for all its worth, Soldier! > [Soldier 1, spitting out cigarette] > Soldier 1: Manny? Natasha: The Hands of Fate? Rebecca: I don’t see the comparison, really. Natasha: Well, in so far as we’ve had a long, dreary sequence of bland landscapes and characters we don’t care about. Rebecca: Good point. > [Soldier 1 turns around, Rifle in hand] > Soldier 1: C'mon, man, stop playing around. Matt [Soldier 1]: Your getting squashed by a giant robot hand act ain’t funny any more > [Soldier 1 with Manny's crushed body] > [Manny's crushed head] Rick: In a sci-fi cheapie, there’s very few things that are more dead then the two soldiers at the start of the film. They might as well be teenagers having premarital sex at Chainsaw Murderer lake. > Soldier 1: What the-- > [Soldier 1 and giant metal foot] [Matt hums the Liberty Bell March] > [Soldier 1 running] Natasha: You reckon that’s actually a Transformer? You know, in the book called ‘Transformers’ and all? Matt: Actually, I’m beginning to think we’ve picked up an electrical supply catalogue by mistake. > Soldier 1: Aaaaaaaaahh! Aaaaaaaaahh! > [Foot squashes soldier 1] > SFX: WHAM! SPPLURCH! Rick: Two Ps in ‘Spplurch’? Now that’s just indulgent. > [Jungle, with huge explosion] > SFX: KA-BOOOM!! Matt: Finally, an explosion. All [Bored]: Yay. > [House] > Cleveland, Ohio. Daybreak > [Man sitting on bed] > [Man cleaning teeth] > [Man shaving] > [Man putting on boots] > [Man picks up lunch box] Rebecca: Thrilling. Rick: This is like the Delta restaurant scene... only with a crazy colour-wash. > [Man opening door] > Voice: Hey, dad, wait! Don't go yet... > [Kid with hardhat with "Spike" written on it] > Daniel: ...You forgot your hat! I put your name on it so you won't loose > it! Rebecca: One of the first things we see in this comic is Daniel Witwicky. That's a bad sign. Rick: What if it was Sam Witwicky? Rebecca: Then we would have had more dialogue in one speech bubble full of blabbering then we would have had in the whole comic so far. > [Spike and Daniel] > Spike: Thanks, kiddo. What would I do without you? Matt: More sex, less child-minding. > Daniel: Get your head knocked in is what. Rick: Hey puppet pal Mitch! Natasha: What is it, puppet pal Clem? Rick: What would you do without me? Natasha: I don’t know, what would you do without me? Rick: Bonk on the head! > [Daniel close-up] > Spike [V/O]: And what about you? Plan on going to school in your > Peejays...? Matt: Look on the bright side, at least he’s going to be wearing clothes this time. > [Spike, Daniel, General and Black Guy in Suit] Rebecca: Ron Obvious, Secret Service Agent. Matt [Guy in Suit]: My name is Bubbles. Natasha [Daniel]: Bubbles? Matt [Guy in Suit]: Don't ask. Natasha [Daniel]: It says "Cobra" on your knuckles. Does that make your name ‘Cobra Bubbles’? > Spike: ...Daniel? What's wrong? Matt [Daniel]: I am troubled by the concept of a supreme being and defining man’s relationship with it. > Daniel: Uhhh, Dad... I think we've got company. Rick [Creepy child]: They’re heeereeeee > [General and Secret Service Man] Natasha [Singing]: Secret service man, secret service man! > General: Good morning. Matt: Those words, "Good morning." They fill me with a sense of impending doom. > [Spike] Rebecca: Spiegel? > Spike: Can I help you? > [General] > General: Indeed you can... Indeed you can. Matt: I call villain right now. Natasha: Can’t be a bet if we all agree. > May we come in? > [Spike, General and Secret Service Guy] > Spike: I don't make a habit of letting strangers into my home. Rick: And you two are about as strange as it comes. > General: Let me introduce myself. My name is General Matt: Hawk. Rick: Zod. Natasha: Ripper. Rebecca: GI Brassbottom. > Hallo. All: HALLO! > I head a subdivision of the military in charge of developing war > technology. This is Lou, he's a friend of mine. Now we're no longer > strangers, may we come in? Rebecca: Not a villain, at all. Rick: In a comic book published after about ’92 or so, saying that you’re from a special branch of the military is pretty much admitting you eat puppies and kittens on toast with Vegimite for breakfast. > [Daniel] > Spike [V/O]: Somehow I don't think we have much choice. Matt: Please, just let him in. The plot will never start otherwise. Rebecca: It’s a Dreamwave book. Do you want it to start? > Daniel, go upstairs. Now. Natasha: And get daddy his shotgun. > [Daniel going up stairs, others at door] > Hallo: Perhaps we can sit down and have a coffee, hmmm? Natasha: Invite himself in, demand a coffee… even if he isn’t a villain, Hallo’s a jerk. > Spike: I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a job to go to. Rick: Oh come on, comic! Even at his worst, Furman would have given us a token ‘Vast Predatory Bird’ by now. > Hallo: Everything has been taken care of. You've been given a... how to put > it... a leave of absence. Your bank account won’t miss a beat. Rebecca: To reiterate, not a villain at all. > [Spike and Hallo] > Spike: Whoa. Hang on. What's going on here? Natasha: Not a plot, certainly. > [Hallo close-up] All: Ahh! Rick: Warn us, next time. > Hallo: Let's have that coffee, shall we? > [Kitchen, Hallo and Spike at table, Lou staring out window] > Hallo: You're a popular man, mister... Rick [Agent Smith]: As you can see, we’ve had our eye on you for some time, Mister Witwicky. Natasha: Nice lateral thinking one there. > Spike: Spike. Call me Spike. > Hallo: You're a popular man, Spike. Matt: “Popular” and “Witicky” are not things that usually go together. > Many in my division are anxious to speak to you. > Spike: Meaning? Rebecca: Meaning you’re being threatened, you moron. > [Spike and Hallo] > Hallo: Meaning you're summoned to accompany me to government headquarters. > Summoned by the kind of person you can't say no to. Matt: Were we meant to have any ambiguity at all about Hallo’s nature here? Or were we meant to be bludgeoned over the head with it? Rick: I think that they assumed that the readers would be asleep by now > Spike: Who, exactly are we talking about here? Rick: Sector Seven Rebecca: The Machination Natasha: The Concurrence Matt: MECH > [Hallo and Spike] > Hallo: The DWT* division is a top secret and autonomous governmental body. > I answer to nobody, so that means we're talking about me. Matt: Didn't I see this in *every* Warren Ellis issue of Stormwatch? Rick: Could we read Nextwave instead? Much less wanky and far more explosions, plus it’s also got nonsense evil government agencies. Matt: Compared to what? Stormwatch or this dreck? Rick: Either. Both. > *Development of War Technology Rick: A subsidiary of the Department of Saturday Morning Supervillainy. > [Hallo lights cigar] Natasha: I don’t know about evil, but Hallo’s definitely an arse. > Hallo: A global security issue has come to our attention. We believe you > possess valuable information that can be of great service. Matt [Hallo]: Something about a ‘car-wash of doom’, I believe. > [Spike close-up] > Spike: And if I turn down your offer? Rick [Hallo]: We know where you live. Matt [Spike]: Obviously, since you’re in my house and all. Rick [Hallo]: Well… yeah. Okay, that one didn’t work out so well. > [Hallo close-up] > Hallo: I'm sorry, perhaps I should be a little clearer. There is no offer > for you to decline because, quite frankly, I'm not asking. Rebecca: NOT EVIL AT ALL > [Snow-covered landscape with jeep driving across it] > Northwest Territories, Canada. 1:21 PM local time Rick: They’re out there looking for Evangelion 04. Somebody reported that it was under a rock. > [Three men in a jeep. One has a bag over his head] Matt: Hmm, you don't think that Jeep is actually Hound? Rebecca: Given the artist drew the toy's mould lines for the concealed head, it's a possibility. > Bag Man: How much longer? > Man 1: We're almost there. Rick [Bag Man]: Are we there yet? Matt: I don’t know. Has the comic actually started? Rebecca: I gave up thinking about it a long time ago. > Bag Man: Well mister... > [Scarred man] > Scarred Man: Lazarus. They call me Lazarus. So should you. All: DULL SURPRISE > [Bag Man] Natasha: It's Faust! Rick: DOING! Natasha: DOING! Rick: DOING! Natasha: DOING! Rick: DOING! Natasha: DOING! Matt: That's enough of that. Rebecca: DOING! Matt: Forget it. > Bag Man: Well, Lazarus, I'm not exactly the most popular man in the world. Natasha: He used to be a writer for BioWare. Rick: Harsh. No wonder he’s sporting the bag. > Let's just say that over the years my, um, Political Intentions have > been... misunderstood. Matt [Bag Man]: I am not a crook. > [Jeep] > Lazarus: Mister Bishop, I know who you are. I know what you are. I know > what you do. Rick [Lazarus]: I know where you live. I know what you eat for breakfast. I know what colour underwear your wife wears. Oops. Probably shouldn't have said that last one. > It's the reason that you're here. You are a terr-- > Bishop: I prefer freedom fighter. Rebecca: So this guy is actually Cobra Commander? Matt: Maybe his hood is in the wash. > Lazarus: Uh-huh. > [Bishop] Natasha: He just *so* makes that bag work. > Bishop: And for a freedom fighter to be in the back of a jeep with a bag > over his head, heading to, well, who the hell knows... It's not exactly the > most comfortable situation I've been in. Rick [Bishop]: Not the worst, either. I mean, there was that time in Bangkok at the strip club- Matt [Lazarus]: Okay, let’s just not talk at all, kay? Thanks. > If you weren't so highly > recommended by my colleagues, I'd have never stepped off the plane. Matt: I mean, it’s not like the Middle of Nowhere airport even has a nice waiting lounge. Just an igloo full of angry bears. > [Lazarus] > Lazarus: Secrecy is what has allowed my operation to flourish. So I think, > perhaps, that you can appreciate my lack of concern for your discomfort. Rick [Bishop]: No, dammit! I paid for first class tickets and I expect first-class service. So where's my damn pillow, my damn complimentary drink and my damn in-flight movie? > [Jeep in snow] > Bishop: Tough talk, Mister Lazarus. You always talk this tough to a > potential client? Rick: Lazarus’ sales technique leaves a lot to be desired. > You must have a pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. Natasha: Sadly, it was just a bowl of breakfast cereal. > Lazarus: The product speaks for itself. Matt: A good recommendation coming from the guy riding in an open-topped jeep through the snow with no head protection. Rebecca: I’m beginning to think he got that scar from running with scissors. > Bishop: We'll see, won't we? I've heard some great things, some so great I > find them hard to believe. Rebecca: I find it hard to believe that a wanted terrorist would voluntarily get into a car with a bag over his head along with a total stranger to go to an unknown destination without any guards. They might as well have screamed “THIS IS NOT A TRAP” while they were at it. > [Jeep] > Lazarus: So you're here to see the real deal that is the fruits of my > operations with your own eyes? Rebecca: Careful there, you may choke on that mouthful of clichés. > Bishop: Cavet Emptor. Natasha: What does that mean? Matt: It means I’m pretentious. > If those sorties I've heard are true, we'll be in > business soon enough. But I never buy merchandise without checking the > label first. Rick: He got burned buying bootlegs off eBay. Rebecca: Lazarus is the reason BotCon banned non-official products from the sales tables. > [Lazarus] > Lazarus: Stop the jeep. > [Bishop getting out of jeep] Matt: Should I be excited that this could mean the plot is finally going somewhere? Rick: I wouldn’t get my hopes up. > Lazarus: Come, mister Bishop, we travel the rest of the way on foot. > [Jeep with Men] > Lazarus: In a few minutes all your concerns will be put to rest. Rebecca: Again, this whole situation just screams “Trap!” Lazarus is going to take the bag off and Bishop will find himself in an enclosed room with a guy holding some rubber hose. > [Jeep with men in the distance] > Bishop: Aren't you worried that we might be followed? > [Jeep transforms] Rick: It’s a robot in disguise [They all gasp with mock surprise] > Lazarus: No need for alarm, we've got sufficient protection to guard our > tracks. > [Close up on Hound's chest] Matt: I'm not surprised at all. Natasha: Funnily enough, neither am I. Rick: Likewise. Rebecca: Now, if it was Rollbar from Robots in Disguise, then that would be interesting. Rick: Then Sky-Byte would show up. Natasha: And then something would actually happen. All: YAY SKY-BYTE! > [Lazarus, Bishop and man] Natasha: Say, who is that guy anyway? Rick: No idea, but so far he's gotten all the good lines. > Lazarus: Correct me if I'm wrong Bishop, but I think it's fair to say that > war is a huge part of your life. Rebecca: He put it in his ‘interests’ on his Facebook page. Rick: And he’s got a photo of him with the bag on for his profile. What a joker! > Bishop: Yes, war seems to follow me wherever I go. Natasha [Bishop]: In fact, he's right behind you! Rick [Lazarus]: Aaarg! Natasha [Bishop]: Ha! I fooled you again! Now go change your trousers. > [Lazarus, Bishop and Man] > Lazarus: And it is also fair to say that you have also lead many soldiers to their deaths? Rebecca: He prefers to think of them as loss-rate adjustments. > Bishop: Well... yes, but some to victory as well. > [Lazarus close-up] > Lazarus: Ahhhh, but those victories have been few and far between, haven't > they? I Matt [Bishop]: They’re *moral* victories. > mean, let's be honest. As a leader, your track record is far from > stellar. Rebecca [Bishop, muttered]: Once... wassssss... a man... > [Bishop] > Bishop: Did you bring me all this way to insult me? Rick [Lazarus]: Well, yes. Matt [Bishop]: Okay, just wondering. > Lazarus: No, I bought you here to make you understand why it is that you > have been losing. > Bishop: Oh? And why is that? Rebecca: Because you’re a gullible sap who was willing to fly out into the middle of nowhere and ride around with a bag on your head while some idiot rambled on for hours about nothing, > [Lazarus close-up] > Lazarus: Your soldiers hold guns. Matt: Oh, well that explains everything. Natasha: Well, I guess that a lot of people who carry guns do loose wars. Rebecca: Yes, but people who carry guns tend to win wars against people who don't. > [Bishop, man, Lazarus close-up] Matt: Great. A close-up on Lazarus' beer gut. Just what we needed. > Bishop: My soldiers hold guns. Hmmm. Call me crazy All: You're crazy. > but aren't guns what-- Rebecca: Shh, he's about to go into his Master Villain Spiel. Now be quiet and enjoy the show. > Bishop: They hold guns, but they themselves are not guns. Matt: Guns make you stupid. Duct tape makes you clever. > Bishop: I fear I run the risk of insulting you Lazarus... Rick: No need to worry on our account. Run right on ahead. > but what the hell are you saying? Matt [Lazarus]: My nonsense villain spiel. What did it sound like? > [Lazarus' hands with a piece of paper] > Lazarus: I have seen the future of warfare. Rebecca: A world of endless wars, where thirty foot metal titans that pack enough firepower to level entire cities walk the battlefields. > I have seen its evolution. > [Lazarus folds paper] > Lazarus: Imagine a soldier who himself is the perfect weapon. A soldier who > need not hold a gun because he himself is a gun. Natasha: A gun made out of guns, if you will. > [Lazarus, Bishop and Man walk towards doors] > Lazarus: Or better still, something so much more powerful. A soldier not > hindered by his humanity, for he has none. > Bishop: Indeed, that woul-- Rick [Lazarus]: Do you mind? I was in the middle of my spiel. Natasha [Bishop]: Sorry, do go on. [Muttered] Probably wouldn't make any difference if I was here or not. > [Lazarus' hands with folded paper crane] Rebecca: Uh, seventy-four? Matt: What are you doing? Rebecca: I've been trying to count his acts of cliché villainy, but I've lost track. Matt: And this is only the fifth page. Rebecca: Sad. Now if only my enemies could be this stupid and predictable. Rick: You have enemies? Besides Dan? Matt: I can’t imagine. > Lazarus: A soldier with the ability to transform himself at will from > warrior to weapon... ...from weapon to warrior in the brink of an eye. This > is the evolution of warfare. Rick [Bishop]: What, a Transformer? Natasha [Lazarus]: Aaack! How did you know! I mean, I'm being all enigmatic and suspenseful and- Rick [Bishop]: You couldn't have been more obvious if you tried. Natasha [Lazarus]: But- Rick [Bishop]: Look, the books' called Transformers, not Dumb-Arse Generic Long-Winded Anime Villain. I figure they're coming along sooner or later, and you say "Transform" every second word. Natasha [Lazarus]: Damn. Found out. > [Lazarus, Man and Bishop, man about to remove Bishop's hood] > Man: Stop. We're here. Matt [Man]: And that's my only line. > Lazarus: Are you ready? > Bishop: Ready for what? Matt: The plot? [They all cheer wildly] > Lazarus: The pot of gold. > [Darkness] All: ... Rebecca: Tip one. Buy lights for your lair of evil. > [Bright opening] Rick: …did we slip into the end of 2001 again? > [Bright opening] Matt: Don't go into the light! I have a feeling that it's too early in the story for you to die! Natasha [Weak]: Hail... Il... pala... > [Starscream's legs] Rebecca: I heard that Starscream used a leg double for this scene. > [Starscream's chest, Bishop, Lazarus and Man looking up] Rick: Turbine nipples! > Bishop: Is... Is th- that what I think it is? > Lazarus: Beautiful, isn't it? Rebecca: Now if this was about the third printing or onwards, we'd have an ad for Excel Saga about... here. Natasha: That'd be cool. Better than the comic, at least. > [The Pentagon] Natasha: Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park. > Washington, The Pentagon. 3:38 PM local time. Matt: Jack Bauer has just eight hours, twenty-two minutes to save the world and think of a reason why he cares about his wife. > [Newspaper] Rick: Clark Kent interviews… Spider-Man? Wait, what? > Newspaper: Ark II Tradgedy. What happened? > June 24th, 1999. The day the sky exploded. Natasha: Then, sky explode. > The day dreams rained down in > heaps of burning metal. The day our fantastic imaginings of a new age were > dashed in the blink of an eye. Rick: This newspaper doesn't half ramble. Natasha: Maybe the article's written by Mr Lazarus. > The day of the Ark II Disaster. It's been nearly three years since the > tragedy of the Ark II explosion Rebecca: That’s a very non-specific anniversary. > But it may as well have been yesterday. People- Matt: So any reason why a newspaper is choosing to run a three-year old story on this particular day? Rebecca: Handy exposition. > [Spike sitting and reading newspaper, cleaner nearby] Rick: Intense Newspaper Reading Action! > [Spike sitting] > Voice: Spike Rebecca: Speigel? > Witwicky? > [Woman leaning out of doorway] Rick: Once again, the Baroness manages to effortlessly infiltrate the GI Joe headquarters. > Woman: We're ready to see you now, Mister Witwicky. Come right in. > [Spike stand with a hand on his shoulder] > Voice: Hey mister... > [Spike and cleaner] > Cleaner: Be careful, ain't nothing like it seems in this place. Every word > means a little somethin' else and sometimes nothin' at all. There's always > more'n meets the eye All: CATCHPHRASE! > aroun' here. > [Woman] > Woman: Larry, how many times have I told you to stop bothering the > visitors. Rick: If he's that much of a bother, why not just fire him? Natasha: Even evil organizations bent on world domination fear unfair dismissal laws. > [Woman and Spike] > Woman: Don't mind him, he's a little senile. Likes to ramble. > Spike: Y-yeah... Sh-sure. Matt [Cleaner, muttering]: Buggerit I said, millennium hand and buggerit. Natasha: Oh yeah, I’m so very reassured right now. > [High-tech war room, Hallo in front of monitors, Spike with Woman.] Rebecca: And down there, you can see Buck Turgidson fighting with the Soviet Ambassador > Development of War Technology Division Headquarters. > Hallo: Welcome Spike. Natasha: Hello, Hallo! > Welcome to our window on the world. There isn't much that happens on this > green earth that our satellites can't see. Rebecca: Well that sounds like a sales pitch from an evil organization right there and then. Matt [Hallo]: I don't have any evil plans! > [Spike and Hallo] > Hallo: How's your brother? Rick [Spike]: Had a nasty run-in with a Carwash, but otherwise doing okay. > Spike: Excuse me? > Hallo: Your brother, Buster. How is he? Rebecca: And how’s your other brother, Butch? Rick [Spike]: He’s keeping obscure and semi-canon. > Not many people took the '99 > tragedy well, but your brother seemed to take it exceptionally hard. Matt: He’d poured his life savings into Y2K-proofing his life, down to a concrete fallout shelter and all the tinned food, bottled water and shotgun shells he thought he could ever need. Felt like an idiot afterwards. > I still remember seeing him at the funeral. He was a mess. Rick: Well, his dad did kinda die in a giant burning flaming fireball and all... > [Spike] > Spike: We all were. My dad was a good man. He didn't deser-- ...none of > those people onboard that ship deserved to die like that. > Hallo: Yes... *Tragic* Matt: Care to say that with any less sincerity? > [Hallo and Spike] > Spike: Is there a reason why you're opening up old wounds? Why don't you > stick to why you brought me here? Rebecca: Does anyone in this comic actually day what they mean? All we seem to get is endless ramblings in some half-arsed attempts to be clever, like dropping random buzzwords is some sort of substitute for actual plot. Hint, writer: You’re not a genius. Stop pretending and give the people what they paid for – giant robots making things explode. > Hallo: Ahem, yes. Well, Spike, my intention was not to open up wounds. Matt: Put down the flensing knife and say that again. > Its just that the '99 tragedy is a big part of why you are here. Rick: Hallo blew up the Ark II. That’s not a spoiler, just a guess at what’s kinda pants-on-head retardedly obvious. Rebecca: Sad thing is, that is a spoiler. Rick: It’d be a twist if he hadn’t. > [Hallo, barely in the panel] Matt [Hallo]: Hello, Evil Mastermind here, doing his spiel. Over here, camera! > Hallo: As you are well aware, the voyage of '99 was meant to be an > evolutionary event for Mankind. For the first time, we were getting the > chance to study intelligent life on another planet. The life of these > super-beings called the Transformers! Rick: Of course, you would have been landing in the middle of a war that the guys you were travelling with were losing on a planet that was decaying and nearly dead and were probably going to be shot at and all... Natasha: I guess they didn't really think it through. > Had our crew made it to Cybertron, there's no telling how advanced our > world would be today. Rebecca: A jetpack in every garage, potato-flavoured ice-cream and hotels on the moon! Matt: And a better life awaiting you in the off-world colonies. > [Spike] > Spike: yeah, yeah, yeah, but they didn't. Rick [Spike]: Well whooped-shit. Do you know how many times I've been to Cybertron? > [Hallo, Spike and Really Big Screen] > Hallo: That's right, Spike, Matt [Hallo]: Just rub it in, why don't you? Rick [Spike]: Did I tell you I found a lost Autobot city deep below the planet's surface? Matt [Hallo]: Be quiet. Rick [Spike]: And how I've been inside the Decepticon headquarters on Cybetron? Matt [Hallo]: Shut up! Rick [Spike]: And how I went to the very heart of Cybertron and saw the computer that created their race? Matt [Hallo]: Shut up, will you shut up! Rick [Spike]: And that's not to mention all the other planets I've been to. Matt [Hallo]: Bloody peasant! Rick [Spike]: Hell, I turn into the head of one of the biggest Transformers there is. Matt [Hallo]: I… I’m going home. > everyone and everything onboard that ship... annihilated. You know it, I > know it. Rick [Space Ghost]: Brak know it, Lokar know it, everybody know it. > Every newspaper in the world reported it. Natasha: Although the singing Elvis zombie fighting Batboy still took a few front-pages. > Bring up the footage. Rick: Main screen turn- [Rebecca, Matt and Natasha hit him] > [Hallo and Spike in front of screen, trees and explosion on screen] Natasha: Uh, Mister camera? Up a little. Rebecca: The artist's either drunk… or brain-dead. Rick: Given that it’s Alex Milne, the answer is probably both. > Hallo: This image was captured by one of our satellites late last night. A > squad of South American rebels has been trying to overthrow the regional > government for nearly a decade. This is... was their main camp. > Spike: What does this have to do with m--? Matt [Hallo]: Nothing, I just wanted to show you how awesome my new big-screen is. Wanna play some X-Box? Rick [Spike]: Only if we play… Hallo! Natasha: Oooh. Good one. > Hallo: Enhance the image. Rick [Spike]: That's my wife... and she's undressing. Matt [Hallo]: Isn't this thing great? > [Megatron in jungle] Natasha [Bored]: What an amazing surprise. I’m just so shocked. Wheee. > [Megatron zoom-in] > [Spike and Hallo] > Spike: Megatron Rick: Now repeat for another eleven issues, and you’d have All Hail Megatron in a nutshell. Rebecca: Can’t be. No Megatron/Starscream luv-luv. Only reason I’d be reading it. Matt: You like Transformers slash? Rebecca: Not normally, but AHM made me a believer. > Hallo: Some wounds just won't say closed. Matt: Again, flensing knife. > [Close-up on Megatron] Rick [Megatron]: I'm huge > [Megatron in hangar bay] > Voice [V/O]: Whoah. Natasha: Guest starring Keanu Reeves! > [Megatron sitting on huge chair; Bishop and Lazarus off to one side] Rick [Megatron]: Ahh... relief at last. > Bishop: Simply incredible. > [Bishop and Lazaraus] Rick: Lazarus looks so stoned. Matt [Lazarus]: Whoa... lookit the giant talking robots... groovy man. > Bishop: So you say you have control of these... These... giants? Natasha: Ah come on! Everyone on the planet knows what a Transformer is. Stop avoiding it and just say the damn word already! > [Bishop and Lazarus by Megatron's hand] > Lazarus: Complete control. Our control mechanism allows us to preprogram > specific objectives that in turn get processed into the beast's central > intelligence. This is especially important because it means we are not > shutting off their intelligence altogether. Rebecca: And nothing can go wrong with this. Matt: Nothing at all. > [Megatron looking down on Bishop and Lazarus] Natasha: He is huge. > Lazarus: They still maintain a level of deductive skill that enables them > to make on-the-spot decisions then completing the programmed objective. Matt: When the caterers bring the wrong appetizers, they know just what to do. > Bishop: Meaning you've created intelligent killing machines who only do > what you tell them to. > Lazarus: Exactly. Matt [Bishop]: And they retain enough intelligence to break free of your control and rise up against you. Rick [Lazarus]: Exactly... oh, wait... > [Clamp releases Megatron's hand] > Lazarus: Furthermore, each soldier is equipped with a response mechanism > that reacts to my voice only. Allow me to demonstrate. Subject 6, activate! Matt [Megatron]: I am not a number! I am a hum- er, Transformer! > [Megatron stands, Bishop and Lazarus in foreground] > Lazarus: No need to worry. He's as harmless as I want him to be. Rebecca: That's why Bishop's standing behind you, buddy. > Subject 6, raise left arm! > [Megatron raises his left arm] Natasha: And the crowd goes wild! Rebecca [Weak]: Yay. > [Bishop and Lazarus] > Lazarus: Subject 6, raise right arm. > [Megatron raises his right arm] Natasha: Caught you! I didn't say "Simon says". > Lazarus: Subject 6, kneel before me. > [Megatron stands there] > [Bishop and Lazarus] > Lazarus: Subject 6, I repeat, kneel before me! Rick: Kneel before Zod-Monster! Natasha: Well there’s an obscure variation on an over-used gag. Nice. > [Megatron still standing there] Rebecca: Megatron's moving as fast as this comic. Natasha: But he's not doing anything. Rebecca: Exactly. > [Lazarus and Bishop] > Lazarus: Ahh, minor glitches, all part of the learning process. I'll have > my people rewire this one. No need for concern. Rick [Lazarus]: You can stop running now. Matt [Bishop in the distance]: NO! > Just yesterday it successfully completed a massive extermination for a > client in South America. Natasha: Damn roaches. > [Megatron sits] > Lazarus [V/O]: Minor wrinkles is all. Subject 6, deactivate. Natasha: Somehow I'm not convinced. Rebecca: Could it be because it's blatantly obvious that Megatron's going to reactivate and turn on Lazarus. Natasha: Probably. Or maybe I just don’t care. > [Megatron's face] > Lazarus: Come, Mr Bishop. I've so many more to show you. The tour's just > begun. Matt: And we’re going to get another two dozen pages of Lazarus using long-winded metaphors for his coffee machine. > [Megatron's eyes glow] Rebecca: See? Matt: Bah, anyone could have called that. > [Wire fence in desert with a sign on it saying "Area 24: Authorized > Personnel Only"] Natasha: Area 24? Rebecca: It's across the road from Warehouse 23 and right underneath State 51. > [Spike, Hallo and soldiers] Rebecca: You say goodbye, I say Hallo. > Hallo: So Spike, this is what we've pieced together. Matt [Hallo]: Robots make things go squish. Rebecca: And it lonely took them twenty pages too. > The Transformers > clearly were not destroyed in the Ark II explosion. This much is obvious. Rick: Also, fire is hot. > [Hallo close-up] > Hallo: But the more troubling question is what... or who... has bought about > their resurrection? Matt: At a guess, I’d say a Canadian-Asian artist-writer-creator trying for an ‘edgy’ makeover of an eighties toy franchise by filling it with ‘contemporary’ themes of intrigue and conspiracy while pretending that he’s clever. > Judging from the target attacked by Megatron last night, > we suspect an outside party was working with him... perhaps even > controlling him... Natasha: Maybe it's a bunch of Mafia thugs riding around in his chest, while Megatron's stuck in a human body. Rick: That's perfectly random. Natasha: It happened in the cartoon! Rebecca: I guess that would make Lazarus Mr Drask, and Bishop is, indeed, Old Snake. > [Spike, Hallo and Soldier] > Hallo: There's no reasonable explanation for the attack otherwise. Rick: Or Megatron could be doing it of his own free will. I mean, there’s not a shred of evidence as to his motivation on display beyond ‘big robot smash stuff’. > Spike: So you're worried someone is going around resurrecting the fallen > transformers and controlling them? Matt: No idea how they reached that conclusion, mind you. Seems to be a little reaching to me. Rebecca: Unless Hallo developed the technology to control Transformers himself, then Lazarus stole it form him after he was supposedly killed in the Ark explosion. Rick: …sure you haven’t read this series before? Rebecca: Rick, a spastic rhesus monkey could figure this out. Natasha: And I did. [Smug smile] > Hallo: We have no proof to support the claim yet. If this is indeed what's > happening, then it’s being done with complete stealth. Natasha: Giant shiny white robot making things splode. Complete stealth. Not seeing it here. > [Spike and Hallo at armoured door] > Hallo: But we're not going to sit around and wait for whoever this is to > start up some sort of super army that we can't stop. Rick: Conclusions. You leap at them. Matt: And Spike has to be as dumb as Hallo if he’s not even remotely suspicious by now. > Which brings us to you. > Spike: Me? Rick: Wait, me? Me, me me wait what wait what what what wait what me wait no wait no no no no no no what what what me no?! Matt: Wrong Witwicky. But at this point, I don’t think I care. > [Spike] > Hallo: The state is well aware of the Witwicky's involvement with the > Transformers in the past. Natasha: I mean, he kinda was the Autobot’s high-visibility human buddy and all. Rebecca: They should have abducted Rad White instead. Then he could tell them all about the Transformers. > We believe that it is reasonable that you would > be able to help us with a Transformer of our own, to... balance the scales, > so to speak. > Spike: Woah. Hang on. Are you saying that you've found one of the > Transformers? Who?! Which one?! Rick: Axer! Natasha: Acid Storm! Matt: Scrapmetal! Rebecca: Dune Runner! Rick: Dirtbag! Natasha: Straxus! Matt: Six-Train! Rick: Double Clutch! Matt: Windbreaker! Rebecca: Flash! Rick: Calcar! Natasha: Dropshot! Matt: Cannonball! Rick: Retrax! Natasha: Goryu! Rebecca: Banzai-Tron! Matt: Damn, you win. > [Optimus Prime in hanger, Spike in foreground] All: Oh. Matt: So this entire comic was building up to this one final page reveal? Rick: Yeah… sometimes you can pull that off. But this ain’t Thunderbolts. “Well.” Matt began. “If that’s the quality of material you usually work with-“ “It is.” Rick and Rebecca both replied at the same time. “-then I can tell that this is going to be a very… interesting job.” “Crappy is more like it.” Natasha countered. “Though at the same time, kinda fun too. I mean, as bad as the comic was, I kinda enjoyed poking fun at it.” “That’s the way we do it.” Rick agreed. “Sit back, take the piss and try to have fun with it.” “Does that work?” She asked. “Mostly. Unless you’re Tsuneo.” Rebecca finished. “With that out of the way,” the voice spoke up. “I’d like to hear your reviews.” “May I?” Rick spoke up. “Profession and all.” “Go for it.” Natasha nodded. “So thing is, as you might have noticed, pacing wasn’t on this comic’s side.” He began. “Most of it was vast quantities of nothing, or padding. There’s long, slow scenes of nothing happening, then empty panels with little actual activity and gratuitously padded-out dialogue. Instead, it drags on, with maybe half an issue top’s worth of material that had been grossly stretched out to make a whole one instead.” He finished with a nod. “In other words, nothing and lots of it.” “And you know who’s responsible for a lot of that padding?” Rebecca continued. “Lazarus. The guy’s basically Pat Lee-“ “Sarrachi” Matt countered “-Michiyamenotehi Funana then, vomiting all over the page about his cool new character.” She continued without missing a beat. “I mean look at the guy; he has a scar, he has an ‘edgy’ biblical reference for his name, he is all long-winded and acts cool and enigmatic. Except he isn’t; he reads like a teenage try-hard on a message board who has a sig depicting skulls and flames and a handle like ‘Doomkiller666’ or such. Here’s a hint; he’s not cool, he’s not edgy and, above all else, he’s not interesting.” “Speaking of edgy.” Matt added. “Let’s look at General Hallo. Now as Rick pointed out, in a comic book if you have a secret military agency, you can be assured that they’re evil.” “Thankyou.” Rick nodded. “Right. Hallo is no exception. He’s pretty transparently evil from the get-go, basically intimidating his way into Spike’s house and threatening him into coming with him. And it’s clear that he knows more about what’s going on then he lets on, but not in a subtle way, more of a ‘shouting it out loud’ way. If making Hallo transparently and stupidly evil was the writer’s goal, then they succeeded. If the idea instead was to give him any subtlety or ambiguity then… no, they failed miserably.” “So here’s the thing.” Natasha spoke up. “Transformers. You have a book called Transformers that features Transformers on the cover and is covered in ads for Transformers products. You have a cheeseball villain that says the word ‘transform’ or variation thereof every damn sentence. So not featuring any Transformers or vaguely alluding to them doesn’t make you look clever. It makes you stupid.” She nodded for effect before continuing. “Double so to the characters in the comic; everyone in the damn world knows what a Transformer is, so there’s no need to dance around the subject. Calling ‘em giants or whatever doesn’t really make any sense.” “There was a free promo comic given away in the lead-up to this.” Rick noted. “In that one, Lazarus called them “Gladiators” “See what I mean?” She exclaimed. “Stupid.” “Thank you all very much for that.” The Voice spoke up. “Your commentary was… interesting.” “So did we pass muster?” Matt asked. “Certainly I was impressed by your work.” The Voice sounded upbeat, almost suspiciously so. “I’ll be in touch with you for future reviews, but at this stage I’d say you’re both looking very good.” “Well yay.” Natasha shrugged. “’course, after this comic, I’m not sure if I wanna be around for another one.” “Hey, if it helps any, I thought you were awesome.” Rick nodded and grinned. “Nice stuff there.” “You reckon?” She looked up, sounding surprised. “Yeah.” Rebecca added. “Both of you were pretty good, and did a great job of demolishing that heap of crap.” There was a sideways glance at Matt as she spoke, but her tone remained enthusiastic. “Good to know.” Matt finished as he stood. “I can imagine that if this is representative of the material you regularly deal with, then there could be some… interesting cultural studies to sink my teeth into.” “And it was kinda fun.” Natasha added. “And it was nice to meet you two.” “Well, if it means less testosterone in the room, I’m happy.” Rebecca joked. “And less Dan is a double bonus.” “So what do you say?” Rick finished. “Let’s go get some beers, get a bite to eat and forget that anyone ever published that crap. I mean, at least Fanfic has the excuse that nobody was paid for it.” He nodded. “As opposed to Pat Lee not paying his staff for it, I suppose…” There were a few more laughs as the quartet left, unaware of the unseen watcher in the room, its eyes following them closely, examining the newcomers… and giving a hint of recognition. ----- Author’s notes: This MSTing was actually begun as a “classic” Elmer Studios MSTing (Specifically the MRT2135 series – never mind the fact that I was skipping several planned MSTs), then abandoned. That’s right; it’s taken ten years to get here, and yet that’s still a better workrate then Pat Lee manages Matt SIMMONS post-dates the original Elmer Studios era, so no need to go diving through archives to look for him. Natasha was the first of the B-Team to appear, so her reappearance here is a nod to that… or maybe something more. Transformers is copyright Hasbro Transformers Prime Directives #1 is copyright Dreamwave Productions… or whoever owns them now. I have no idea Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt SIMMONS and Rick R. Mortis created by Rick R. (natch) Questions? Comments? Complaints? Shock and/or terror? Email us at elmerstudios00 (at) gmail.com and register your Jeff. Elmer Studios! http://www.heavens-feel.com/elmer/ All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, random DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and other stuff in one spot ----- > [Soldier 1 unzips his pants]