Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing no. 61 - More of Evangelion: The Good Life. How lovely. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion: The Good life is copyright someone who didn't even put their own name on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Tsuneo is sitting at the computer. Dan and Rebecca enter, talking] Rebecca: Frankly, I was amazed. Dan: It was everything they said it would be, but less. Rebecca: Let's see... There was... Nothing, really. Dan: Except for about half a million "see forthcoming book" refs. Dan: Most of the art was okay. It's just a question of what he was drawing. I mean, are they Mechanoids or something? They had sqidgies inside them. Rebvecca: Then there was that Enforcer with the *huge* farmhouse behind it. Tsuneo: OK, I'll bite. What are you two deconstructing now? Rebecca: Rifts Canada. It finally came out. Dan: And after the "preveiw" we got in CLT 4, we had to see it. Tsuneo: And? Rebecca: CLT's authours gave Palladium too much credit. Tsuneo: Ouch. Dan: I was looking for therules on Spackle warfare, myself. Rebecca: And remember, if you put a maple leaf on something it *has* to be Canadian. Tsuneo: So what did it actually have? Rebecca: See "Rifts Quebec", coming soon. Tsuneo: Why am I not suprised? Dan: SO why are you here so early? Tsuneo: I've been collecting all the Fanmail we got on CLT 4 and Neon Leviticus. There's tons, trust me. Dan: Wow. Those fics must have really hurt some people. Rebecca: Yeah, us. Tsuneo: Anyway, here's what Mark Foster said about Neon Leviticus... > Finally got around to reading Neon Leviticus Evangelion > ......ARRRRRGGHHH! My brain hurts. Was that whole fic a joke? > It's bloody sad that the author should write 'Jim' as being an uber- > kid with more money than Bile Gates. I don't suppose it's secretly > Brett Handy? Sheesh. Dan: We don't think so. Otherwise, it would have been a *lot* longer. > Let's see...what's wrong with the fic? Rebecca: Everything? > 1) The Uber-Eva. 2) Jim 3) Going to Canada. 4) Finding out the > EVA's can't tolerate the temperature (Huh? So Canada is hotter > than a volcano?) 4) Jim 5) The Uber-Eva 6) The Uber-Eva and did I > mention the Uber-Eva? > You sure the author isn't Brett Handy? :) > Mark Dan: Thanks, but no. Tsuneo: Next... Well, it's from Tsunami on CLT 4. Rebecca: Is that Tsunami as in the hack who wrote Fate of the Children? Tsuneo: Believe it. > I just swa your MSTing of "Cruel Linna's Thessis" part 4 on your page. I > recently swa some Slayers so I thort I would take a look at it. > It's kind of a mixed feelings soert of thing. I thought tyhat the fit > itseslf was VERY long... I hope that's tje longest you've ever did. I'd be > sacred by anything longer! Tsuneo: By my count it's the longest yet, and certainly I have a hard time imagining anything longer, except maybe a later chapter of Neon Exodus. > But anyway, you were right. TYhere was a lo5 of > uneccacary stuff (Like theGiant Robot and stuff... and wot was Mer Burns > doing there?) Rebecca: Don't you know? He's a member of Seele. Dan: That was a totally pointless declaration, Rebecca. Rebecca: So was his appearance in the fic. > Also, I don't know who Brax is, but you're right. He probably > doesn't deserve to be squashed like that. Likewise with Marisia, whoewver > she was. > I must say thopuihg tyhat I did li9ke their versions of Issei and Lia. I > found that Issei's mistyped dialouge was quiote funny, and did fit with owe > he acted in the Fanfics. And I must say that both hea nad Lisa do deserved > to be squashed. :) Tsuneo: Only if it's relevant. Dan: Hey, an authour just said she wanted ehr avatar squashed. We should be thankful. > Tsunami (5th) > PS: What'sa a "Tlp["? Rebecca: "Tlp[" comes from "Away From Home: The Special Edition," by Steven Ratliff. And as for what it means, nobody knows. Probably not even Stevie-boy himself. Tsuneo: Thank you! Next up is one from Alan Atamian on CLT 4. > Hello Ladies, Gentlemen, and all Disembodied Voices! Dan: Oh, don't waorry about him. > This being the first time I've ever sent fanmail to, > well, anyone, I thought I'd start with you. Ready? Rebecca: Maybe. > CLT4. Ugh. Or perhaps Gyah? Why even bother writing > that anymore? I admit: like Rick, I used to like CLT. > But now.... They seem to be trying to take the MSTing away from you, > riffing their own stuff. I've seen some bad fics before (and I've seen > some good fics, too), but when the authors don't even care anymore, > it's time to pack up and move on to something else. Like a book. > A play. Every freakin' Evafic has to have a play now, > huh? I'm surprised no "Talent" lines from Dan, with the > play being Snow White and all. > (Naga as Snow White. Agghl.... Of course, not too well cast. Like > CLT4 was. Riiiight.) Dan: Actually, she was understudy to the evil witch. How appropriate. > >>It's 10:30am > > > >Rick: Half past death. > Maybe you didn't plan it this way (or maybe you did), but I have five > words: Shinji the 10 O'clock Assassin. > Scary, huh? Rebecca: Very. > >Tsueno: [Holds up a sign reading: Let's not go there.] > Somehow, the funniest things are the most surreal. Tsuneo: And vice versa, of course. > 'Course, killing off real people isn't exactly funny, although the > Lisa/Issei fight was, shall we say, well choreographed? Dan: Apart from Lisa criticising someone else's spelling. > I know the Voice is dying to serve up a tasty bit of fanfic delight > (note the oozing sarcasm), Rebecca: "Fanfic" and "Delight" do not belong together. > so I'll cut my speech off here. > Great job, all! Keep it up! > With much respect (and a Mr. Pibbs), Dan: Never forget the Pibbs. > I remain Alan Atamian Dan: Thanks, Alan. Rebecca: Another sad CLT victim. Tsuneo: Here's another one. This one's from DadyTengu on CLT 4 > That was a great job on a long, dull, and tasteless fic. However, there are > a few comments that need to be made. > > Chaos and anarchy reigned; > This BEGS for a Cursed Fanboys reference, which series of fanfics this seems > to rip off, and badly. The authour of those knows funny from merely > tasteless or improbable; the authour of CLT does not. Rebecca: The Authour of CLT seems to know very little, actually. > The song Naga is singing when she is making the eggs is, I believe, a poor > translation of the ending theme to a fantasy-comedy anime called Dragon > Half. Dan: I don't know how we missed that. Rebecca: Especially for all the chances for in-jokes. > Finally, I have the feeling that if Lina woke up in bed with Gourry, or > anyone for that matter, after a (itself OOC) drinking binge, she'd Dragu > Slave the surrounding square mile out of existence, including herself. Dan: On the upside, Misato's apartment would be a whole lot neater. > --DadyTengu Tsuneo: Well, thanks. The next one's interesting. Dan: Why? Who is it? Tsuneo: It's Trevor Laughlin on on NLE. Rebecca: Trev? One of the two guys responsible for CLT? Tsuneo: Yup. Rebecca: Amazing. Tsuneo: Here's what he said: > Greeting my little guinea pigs, > -> Misato was driving. > - > -Rick: Well there you go. > -Tsuneo: Just so I know, is this going to be a replay of that scene from > CLT 3? > HAHA puny mortals, only WE can produce an Immelman with a minivan! Rebecca: And we congratulate you on that miracle. > -> (It's been rumored that the 'chemical mix' came from the cafeteria of a > certain > -> Catholic High School near Bayview and Steeles and had been taken as a > sample > -> during their short stay in Canada) > - > -All: ... > -Rick: Dude, this is really ****ed up right here. > *shivering* You're telling me. I ACTUALLY ATENDED THAT SCHOOL IN REAL LIFE! > Seriously. It's called St. Jean de Brebeuf.... I'm scared (prays to God > that the nut who wrote Leviticus is NOT a Brebeufian). Dan: If it does turn out that you do know who it is, could you do him an injury for us? > -> [I hate it when the operators are down there ... why can't they just put > the > -> suspension liquid back in here? It's damned drafty without that liquid ... > -> and why are the operators moving around? They look like they're peeking > -> through my armor ...] > - > -Tsuneo: Oh, boy... > -Dan: This is gonna hurt. A lot. > I feel for you people and share your pain. > -> What do you think we do all night here? > -> Just stand until the leg restraints wear off?] > - > -Rebecca: There's a lemon in there somewhere, I just know it. > *hehe* Hrm,... that gives me an idea.... :0 NOT! > -> [Well where are you, Unit One?] > -Rebecca: [EVA-01] In the Really Big Room. It's kinda hard to miss. > {Trevor restrains John who is screaming THEFT!} :) Rebecca: I seem to recall several of our lines that you swiped... > -> Stalker -->[Well what do you want?] > -Dan: [Jim] Misato! > -Rick: [Jim] Or that other girl In their class.. What was her name, Naga or > something? > "S--- Serpent." *thud* Dan: Yes! We're winning! > -Tsuneo: The big thing for me was how much it had changed between chapters. It > -was almost as if we had a new writer. And then it changed again for the last > -chapter. Plus that driving scene was so much like CLT, it was scary. > -Rick: Sales are slipping. I think I'll make the female lead's chest a little > -bigger. > Cool, we're giving Tsuneo flashbacks. We're just slowly picking away at his > brain till there's nothing left :) Rebecca: Fortunately, Dan has nothing to loose. Dan: Yeah... Hey! > And as a final comment, "All hail the great big voice in the sky: wrathful > god and bearer of the poor prose!" > Let's face it, he's my favourite :) Tsuneo: You have problems. > *sighs* If only I'd known about ol'Jimbo here before John and I wrote the > last chapter. Ah well.... > Keep up the MSTing boys. > Trevor L. Tsuneo: Well, thanks. I think. Next one's from Ammadeau on CLT 4 > As for the latest chapter of Cruel Lina's Thesis ... > Okay, I thought it was at least mildly amusing a first, > even liked the idea of Asuka hiding a Shinji plushie, but > they just kept using the same jokes over and over and over > and over and over ... well, you get the idea. Then it > got tasteless, then really tasteless, then so tasteless > that it made 'Riding with Death' look good. Rebecca: Then after that, it began to look like a good episode of "South Park", which is really dire. > And the whole author avatar bashing session was just plain > wrong. Marissa Picard? What were they thinking? Rebecca: Tlp[? > No, that > would imply that they were thinking in the first place. > I don't know how, but they managed to top that in sheer > badness with their long drawn out and rather pointless > fight scene. > One of my favorite bits was Tsuneo's sign. I really wish > they took his advice and hadn't gone there. The thing > with Pen Pen ... shudder. And if Kaji couldn't figure > out the difference between pillows and breasts, even when > hung-over, he has a lot more problems than I realized > (besides being dead, that is). Did not get the 'hair > of the dog' bit at all though. > >Rick: Kaji and Shaggy. Separated at birth? > I'm frightened of the possibility that someone will see > this and write a NGE/Scooby Doo fusion. > Gendo: I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for > those darn kids and their flightless water fowl! Dan: Rick's giving the authours ideas. Remind me to kill him. Rebecca: I'm beginning to figure out why he never shows up wany more... > >Rick: Oh, for crying... Who put WARenfeld in charge? > Who is that anyway? You've mentioned him several times > before and I still don't get it. Rebecca: WARenfeld is the authour of the classicly awful "Echowarrior" series of Beast Wars self-insertion fanfics. CLT4 reads like some of his best work. > >Tsuneo: This fic amazes me more by the second by attaining > >new heights of badness and stupidity. > Pretty much sums up my feelings on the whole thing as well. Tsuneo: What really amazes me is that fanfiction still manages to surprise us. Dan: And thanks! Wow, we really hit a few nerves with CLT. Tsuneo: Speaking of hitting nerves, our last is from Sailor Mac on Issei's various... Things. > I just want to commend you on the terrific job you've been doing. The Elmer > Studios MSTings are some of the freshest and funniest I've read in a long > time. I don't think I've seen one yet that didn't leave me roaring with > laughter. You've got a great MSTing crew and your riffs are definitely not > of the "string of MSTer cliches" variety. Dan: I've noticed that we seem to be establishing a brand new set of EVA MSTing cliches. especially the whole WA-TAK thing. > Now, about Issei. . . > What rock did you find him under? And how can we put him back under it? Rebecca: Unfortunately not. He keeps on writing. > I'm begining to wonder if he's Oscar writing under a new pseudonymn. Same > total disregard for grammar and spelling, same tendency to make up new > words, same trashing of characterizations. . .(I thought I was going to > keel over when he had Usagi watch her soul mate of two lifetimes die > horribly right in front of her -- and all she could say was "He's dead and > I didn't get to f**k him!") Tsuneo: I don't think so, myself. Issei doesn't really make up new words, he just makes existing ones practically unrecognisable. > And as for "Hellstorm". . .God, what can I say? I've only seen eight > episodes of EVA (so far) but that's enough so that I can see how thoroughly > he trashed the entire show. There were times I couldn't tell if the fic was > based on EVA or the South Park movie! Rebecca: I've got to admit that it's very hard to tell the difference sometimes. > And his whole god-boy act was just > *so* obnoxious, waving around that Sword of Power (TM) like a mid-eighties > action figure/cartoon character. Not to mention the sequel, which had > almost *nothing* to do with EVA at all! Death portrayed as a weepy lesbian. > . .now I've seen everything! > And now he's threatening to write a *lemon*? SHUDDER. . . Dan: Hopefully we won't be doing that. > Still. . .in a perverse way, I'm hoping that the kid will keep on cranking > out those so-called fics of his. . .so you can turn them into more > magnificent MSTings. Keep up the great work! Tsuneo: And thank you! And thanks to everyone for writing in. Dan: And that's it? Tsuneo: Yup. Rebecca: Wow. It seems we really struck gold with CLT. Dan: Struck crap is more like it. Rebecca: Ah well... Say, has anyone seen Rick? Tsuneo: No. I thought he would be here by now. Rebecca: He's missing again? I'm beginning to think that he's an awful lot smarter than he looks. Tsuneo: Well, he does have the lowest attendance rate of us all. Rebecca: He may be on to something here... Dan: I guess it's time for a psycho replacement, right? [Tango flies through a window head-first] Rebecca: Nice call, Dan. [Tango gets to his feet and brushes broken glass of his flightsuit] Tango: I'm assuming this still isn't the planet Wooble? Rebecca: No such luck, I'm afraid. I know I'd rather be there now. Tango: Ah, god damn it all! Dan: Sorry buddy. You'll just have to watch the fic with us again. Tango: Couldn't I just slit my wrists instead? Tsuneo: After CLT 4, that might be a better idea. Voice: Hi there guys... Tango. Rebecca: Morning EVA. How's General Solomon doing? Tango: He was fine last I saw him. Voice: ... Tsuneo: OK voice, let's get right to the point. What have you got for us today? Voice: I've got the second chapter of Evangelion: The Good Life. Tango: Aaaaak! [Clutches head] The dreaded pigtails! Tiffany Grant's wailing! I can't take it any more! Rebecca: You think Tiffany Grant's bad? Wait till you hear her Japanese voice! Tango: Aaaaak! No more! Make them go away! Dan: Help. Voice: ... Rebecca: Give me a second. [She whacks himn with a cushion] Tango: Thankyou. Voice: If we're quite finished yelling and screaming? Rebecca: I don't see why we should stop. [They all sit - Rebecca and Tsuneo on the forwads facing couch, Dan and Tango on the other one. Dan and Rebecca are closest on the corners.] Tsuneo: Just to recap last episode: A new kid showed up and got squashed by his EVA. [The TV switches on] > HOME SWEET HOME > CHAPTER 2 All: Electric Boogaloo! > Morning time at Misato's apartment Tango: The sun hits the grand Yebisu pyramids of Tokyo-3. > "Ahhhhhh! I'm late! Dan: I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! > Again! Shinji, Asuka, Isamu, get up! You guys are late for school!" Tsuneo: They have never been late before, why start now? > "WHAT!" The three pilots all stumbled out of their bedrooms. Tango: And the little bird outside took secret delight in the synchronous bonking sound their heads made on collision. Rebecca: Nice and obscure. > It's been about a month now, since Isamu came. Tsuneo: And brought his collection of commas with him. > He's got his new room and everything. Dan: What, in the apartment? Where'd they fit it? Rebecca: Simple, they chucked Tom out on his ass. > Today actually will be his first day of school. Tango: [Isamu] But muuuuuummmmm, I don't wanna go to school, the other kids make fun of me. Tsuneo: So why hasn't he been to school yet? Anyone? Rebecca: Maybe his EVA trod on him again. > As much as Misato said he was going to school, she was just too busy. Dan: Which has nothing to do with him going to school, but never mind. > "C'mon Isamu, it's your first day, you can't be late!" Rebecca: [Misato] The welcoming comitee's standing by with the paddles. > "I know! I'm almost ready." Isamu hopped around trying to pull his > pants on. Tsuneo: Um, underpants first. Dan: That I didn't need, thnaks. Rebecca: Button then zip. Tango: Button, zip and staple. Rebecca: What about socks? Tsuneo: No. We are not doing this riff. > Shinji and Asuka ran around looking for their suitcases. Tango: They'd been sent to Murmansk by mistake. Don't you hate it when that happens? > "BYE MISATO!" All the kids shouted as they ran out the door. > "BYE!" Misato was right behind them out the door. Dan: Sugar High productions presents: EVA: The Good Life. Rebecca: I'm sure you can trust Pen Pen to lock up after you. > School Tango: Wow! they made it in exactly 3.9 jiffies! Tsuneo: At least it's not like the headers in CLT. > "Whew! We made it!" Shinji said sitting down at his desk. > "Yeah." Asuka sits down also. Tango: Compelling dialogue, ought to win the nobel prize for literature. > "Hey guys! Thought you were gonna be late!" Kensuke and Toji come > walking up. Rebecca: Any reason? Not like they've been late before, nor is this morning any different. > "Morning." Both pilots say. Tango: EVA PILOTS talk to TOUJI AND KENSUKE. > "Ok, class everyone take your seats! Dan: [Raises hand] Where do we take them to sir? Rebecca: [Teacher] That's a bump on the head for you. > We have a new student today." Tango: So we all get to perform the new kid ritual. Everyone: grab your paddles! > The teacher announces. Isamu walks in and the ooh, and awws start. Tango: [Student] Look at the size of the ego! Rebecca: [Teacher] Now back to important work. Dan: [Student] Is it going to be Second Impact again? Rebecca: [Teacher] That's another bump on the head for you. > "This is Isamu Mitsuragi. Tsuneo: Or Isamu Arthur in England. > He's come from America to join us. Dan: [Student] Can we send him back? Rebecca: [Teacher] *Another* bump on the head for you! > I hope you all will treat him well." Tango: The beating of the swollen ass, with PADDLES! Tsuneo: Is that as in "Shinji's first day" treat him well? > "Hi everyone." Isamu waved a hand. "You may take your seat behind > Asuka, over there." Dan: And what a nice behind it is. Tango: Gee... How nice. I think. > "Great." Dan: Whoopdy-shit. > Isamu walks over and sits behind Asuka. All: ACTION! Rebecca: Gee, I never saw that coming. > "Hey roomy." > "Hey, yourself." Dan: Hey, bro. Rebecca: Back at ya. > "Ms. Langley, will you be so kind as to show our new student around." Tsuneo: Great, she's got puppy walking duty. > "Yes, sir." Tango: Asuka then locks Isamu in a cage and parades him around for all to laugh at. Tsuneo: Don't you think you're getting a bit carried away? > "Good, now let's take roll." Dan: [Student] I got a 1. Is that bad? Tsuneo: [Teacher] Isamu Mitsurugi? Tango: [Isamu] Present! Tsuneo: [Teacher] Jin Hibiki? Jin Hibiki? Got lost again... The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the Great White Serpent? Rebecca: [Imitates Naga's laugh] Tsuneo: Present. > Asuka showed Isamu around school and they got to talk more. Tango: This is the gym. This is the teachers lounge. You didn't see anything unusual in there, got it? This is the swimming pool. The Gainax photographers will be hanging around there often. > They really enjoyed each other's company. Tango: Assuming being shocked by Asuka's Taser rifle is enjoyable....this guy has some weird fetishes. Tsuneo: I said something about getting carried away? > "Did you see the new kid? Dan: No, I was busy heaving my guts up. > He's cute!" Rebecca: In a flat kind of way. > A group of girls were talking about Isamu and Hikari was one of them. Tsuneo: [Shadow girl] Did you know? Did you know? Have you heard the news? Dan: Gee, Tsuneo. I thought Utena would be too pink and girly for you. Tsuneo: Er, um, that is... > "Hey guys, I would back off. Rebecca: They way he foams at the mouth isn't good... > It looks like Asuka's already gotten him." Tango: This was the logical assumption seeing as though asuka had been hanging around him in a possesive kind of way with a gun to his head. Tsuneo: You're getting pretty repetitive here. > Hikari points to Asuka and Isamu sitting next to each other eating lunch > and laughing. Rebecca: He won't be laughing when he finds out that Misato made lunch this morning. > "No fair, I mean, she's already living with him." The girls stared some > more and then moved on. Dan: What, you mean you'd want to live with him? > Rooftop Dan: Say, how'd we get up here? > "Rei? You up here?" Shinji asks. Tango: She's catching some air, man. > "Huh? Oh Ikari, yes I am." Rei was sitting on the school's rooftop > catching some air. Tango: Well there you go. > "What are you doing up here?" > "Oh nothing, just catching some air." Tsuneo: Yeah, we said that. > Rei was in deep thought. Dan: And having an indecipherable monologue with stock footage. Tsuneo: Philistine. > "Rei? I know that look. Is something on your mind?" Rebecca: Her head? Dan: Does she ever *stop* thinking? > Shinji sits down next to her. Tsuneo: Oh man, I just can't keep up with this intense action. > "Shinji" Rei trailed off. > "What?" Shinji looked at Rei's face with concern. Tango: [Rei] Your fly's undone again. > Shinji then took Rei's hand and smiled at her. > "You can tell me anything Rei." Rebecca: Well, anything Gendo has declassified. Tsuneo: Except you can't tell him what EVAs are. > Shinji's words were sincere. > "Shinji." Rei leaned forward and kissed Shinji on the lips. (Whoa! > What a shocker :0 ) All: AACK! It's turned into Delta Invasion! Tango: And in doing so made Koaru and Issei as jealous as hell. > When the kiss was over, Shinji was in shock, and it showed. Tango: What else is new? He has a permenant nose bleed. Tsuneo: Excuse me, what show have you been watching? > "I'm sorry." Rei got up and started walking away. Rebecca: Amazing. Somone just apoligised to Shinji. > "Wha.. wait! Rei!" Shinji got up and grabbed her arm. Dan: And then she grab his leg and he grabbed her aesophagus and she bit off his ear and he chewed off her eyebrow and she took out his appendix and she gave her a colonic irrigation, yes indeedy you better believe it. > "What was that for?" Tango: It was the WAFF content for this act don't you know? Rebecca: Somehow, I have the horrid feeling that it's not over. > "Shinji" > "Finish the sentence." Rebecca: [Rei] Okay, your fly's undone. > "Shinji, I...love you, okay!" Tsuneo: And remember, EVA is all about young people in love. Dan: It is? Tsuneo: *No* Dan. > Rei shouted and pulled away from Shinji and started running. > "You? What?" Rebecca: Sentence! Fragments! > Shinji stood there dumbfounded. (She said she loves you stupid! Go > after her!) Tango: I wish the author would just shut up before I gun him down. Tsuneo: At least it's staying in English. > "REI! Wait, don't go!" Shinji ran up to Rei, turned her around Rebecca: And that's what it's all about. > and kissed her. Tsuneo: This would actually be a good scene, if not for the fact that it's entirely impossible. > Rei hesitated at first, but then just relaxed. Rebecca: And then she pegged him off the roof for good measure. > (SCENE FADES AND THEY ARE STILL KISSING) Tango: Kooky. Dan: Don't you know, it's all the rage. > Walking home Tsuneo: You know, that bit of street with the power cord and all that. > Shinji is whistling. > "Why are you in such a good mood?" Asuka asks. Tango: [Shinji] Because I didn't have to look at Isamu once in the last 3 hours! Dan: [Asuka] And where were you and Rei for afternoon classes? > "Oh, no reason." Shinji has a big smile on his face. Rebecca: He just got to see stuff even the Gainax guys don't. > "Hmmm, right.." > Asuka knows it's not her business and backs off. Tsuneo: AS IF! No normal teenage girl, especially not Asuka, lets anyone keep any secrets because it is "not their business." Rebecca: Figure it, Asuka. > She focuses on Isamu. Tango: Focussss gwassssshopper. [Tsuneo hits him with a cushion] > "Isamu? You still there?" Dan: Unfortunately. > "Oh yeah, sorry. Just enjoying the scenery." Rebecca: [Isamu] You know, all the blast craters, Ramiel's rotting carcass... > "Tokyo 3's a pretty place." Asuka says. Tango: If your medication has taken over. > "Yea, the people too." (Was that a pick up line?) Dan: Man, that's worse than even, well... Rebecca: The ones you use? Dan: Yeah! Hang on... Tsuneo: Next thing you know, he'll say his navigation systems are shot. > Asuka blushed at the comment. Tsuneo: Sorry, no. She'd have to be embarassed first. Tango: No doubt by the company she's keeping. > Shinji was preoccupied with his daydreaming to notice what Isamu said. Dan: WHACK! Guess he didn't notice the lamp post either. > They all walked home not talking and just enjoying the company. Tango: I'd guess this author ran out of dialogue right about... There. > Home Tsuneo: Well, they were walking there... I'd never have guessed. > RIIIIIIING! Rebecca: That'll be the phone, Reg. Dan: Telephone for a Mister Okimura. > "Someone get the phone!" Asuka shouts. Rebecca: [Asuka] I, the high and mighty Asuka shall never stoop to answering the lowly phone! > "I got it. Hello. Hi Misato. WHAT! Don't worry we're coming." Rebecca: [Sniggers] > Shinji hangs up the phone. Dan: Well that was intense. > "Guys we gotta get down to the base, Rebecca: Time for another sync test then? > there are signs of an attack!" Tango: I'm thinking angels holding up signs saying "prepare for attack." Tsuneo: If its the Invadors again, I'm leaving. > They all ran out of the house and headed off to NERV base. Rebecca: Well that was a waste of time. > NERV Dan: The Really Big Room. > "What's happening? Is it an attack or not?" Tango: Make up yer damn mind! > Misato sips her coffee. Rebecca: Careful, Misato. You might sober up that way. > "We can't tell yet." Ritsuko sips her coffee as well. Tango: Great Dialogue. [Sips coffee] > "Misato! We're here!" Isamu shouts. Tsuneo: [Misato] We noticed. Dan: Live, and in concert! Rebecca: [Isamu] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, "Evangelion, the Good Life" is proud to present its Angel-Squishing champions of the world: The Bad Ass Auska Langly-Soryu! The Road Kill Isamu Mitsarugi! The New Age Brats! > "Great, get into your suits and get ready!" Dan: They're changing into formal wear? Is this an attack or a dinner? > "YES MA'AM!" The four pilots head for the locker room. Tango: To the Batcave! Whoosh! > "Misato! There is an angel coming! Dan: I thought you allready knew that! That's why you called them up in the first place! > Alarm all personal!" Ritsuko shouts. Rebecca: Wouldn't they have gone on alert when you detected those signs of the bloody attack? > "Commander, all pilots are ready for battle." Tango: Wow! they must have gotten changed and travelled between the locker room and com room in less than 3 seconds. That's like.....4 times the speed of sound! It's almost the speed of lint, even. > "Good. Now Isamu, this is your first battle. Are you ready?" > "I'm as ready as I'll ever be." Isamu grips the handles. Tsuneo: Read: No. Rebecca: Twenty says he winds up in the hospital again. Dan: You're on. > "Good. DEPLOY THE UNITS!" Tango: Play the background music! Cue the stock footage! > "Unit 0 and Unit 1 you take to the right. Dan: [Misato] No! Your right! The other way! Oh, forget it. > Unit 2 and Unit 4 you take the left!" Tsuneo: Well there you go. It's unit 04, being picked on again. > The Eva's take their positions. "Deploy the weapons." Dan: Wonderful, cream pies again. > They grabbed their guns. Tango: Isamu gets a positron rifle and the others get pistols. Do you think that's significant? Rebecca: I think Isamu's compensating. > "The angels approaching! It's at field is strong!" Dan: Well add some milk and sugar. Tsuneo: Which is why they neutralize it. Duh. > "OK guys, this may be a toughie, get ready." Rebecca: It would help if we knew what the stupid thing looked like. For all we know, it could be a 200 foot tall mutant atomic banana. > "Isamu, you ok?" Asuka asks. Tango: If he is then Asuka can fix that. > "I'm doing good." Rebecca: You haven't done anything yet! Dan: That's good for him. Tango: He hasn't been squashed yet, so that's a good sign. Tsuneo: [Shinji] Big deal. My EVA goes mad like that all the time. > "Don't get yourself killed on your first battle now." Tsuneo: Asuka would have been much more patronising. Come on, at least make some attempt at accurate characterisation! > "I'll try." > "There it is!" Shinji shouts. Rebecca: [Shinji] And it looks like Jerry Springer! > "Oh my god. It looks..like..and Eva unit." Rei says. Tango: Ie the author can't come up with a more original idea so he thought he would just rip off Bardiel. Dan: At least it's not a giant Pokemon this time. > "I've never seen that kind of angel before." Asuka is shocked. All: Yes you have! Tsuneo: It tied you into a pretzel, for crying out loud. Dan: Its not like you ever see two Angels the same anyway. > "Watch out it's firing!" Shinji shouts. All: It's coming right for us! > The angel fired a laser cannon, Tango: Was that *from* anywhere, or was it just holding a laser cannon? Rebecca: Actually, you don't want to know where it was firing from. > and Unit 1 and Unit 0 jumps out of the way. > "Careful guys, this one has a long range style of attack. Dan: Like... Well, most of them, I guess. > We have to > try to get close enough to strike that orb on his chest!" Misato tells > the pilots. Rebecca: Or of course you could just blow it up. That works too. > The battle raged on. Dodging the powerful shots of the angel. Isamu > was really ready for this battle. Tsuneo: They'd remembered to train him, even. > "I'm going in! Cover me!" Unit 4 dashes towards the angel and pulls > out its secret weapon, his laser sword. Tsuneo: Since when did EVAs have those? Dan: [Dr Evil] Using a sophisticated heat beam or "laser." Tango: Use the force, Luke. Tsuneo: Now really, what's the point in keeping it secret? Who are you meant to hide it from, the kids? Rebecca: Its the Big Phallic Weapon of Doom (TM)! Maybe he has some prog grenades in there as well... > "Ahhh! DIE!" (SLICE!) Tsuneo: Remember, when you're too inept to describe something, just insert it as a stupid sound effect. Dan: You won't die in one piece! > A direct hit on the angels orb and it was sliced in half. Rebecca: Then it kinda blew up. Tango: What kinda lame angel was that? No special tricks, no wierd stuff, just a [Dr. Evil] "laser." > "He got it!" Shinji exclaims. Tsuneo: Way to go. State the blatantly obvious and suck up to the author simultaneously. > "Yeah! Way to go Isamu!" Misato is happy to see the angel destroyed. Rebecca: [Misato] All right world's safe for another two weeks. Think I'll get pissed and go see Kaji to tend the melons. > "I can't believe he got it." Asuka was impressed. Dan: I can't believe he did something usefull, but never mind. Tsuneo: I can't believe Asuka's being impressed by someone showing her up. > "Wait, it's still alive." Rei sees the angel move. Tsuneo: Um, without a core? Dan: 'Tis but a scratch. Rebecca: A scratch? Dan: A flesh wound! Tango: That would be the rigormortis setting in [Looks around] Say where has he been lately, he's hardly ever around any more. Tsuneo: I'm beginning to think that he's a lot smarter than he looks. > "What! Isamu, get out of there!" Misato orders. Rebecca: Talk about your statement of the blatantly obvious. Dan: No! Stay there and die! > It was too late, the angel grabs Unit 4 and begins to electrocute itself Dan: Bummer of a special attack, buddy. Tsuneo: This is what happens when you don't earth your Angel properly. > and Unit 4. Tango: So the angel now has a tesla coil as well? Hell, does it want to borrow my mdc on top of top of that? > "AHHHHH!" Dan: [Roger Explosion] Aie! > Isamu is trapped. He still has his sword in > his hand. He raises it and stabs the angel in the side. Isamu pulls > back for another stab at the orb. (STAB!) Tsuneo: My point. Tango: Didn't he already destroy the core? Tsuneo: Well... Yeah. Tango: Just checking. > The angel makes a shrieking > sound and continues to electrify itself. Dan: Then, angel explode. Tango: Awmm goin ta hell and awmm takin youse with me! > "Isamu! Get out of there! It's going to self-destruct itself!" Misato > shouts. Rebecca: No, it's going to self-destruct someone else. Think about it. > "What! Isamu you heard her, get out of there!" Asuka shouts as well. Tsuneo: What's the matter? Shinji lived through several Angels exploding, can't the almighty Isamu survive even one? > "WHAT!" Isamu is stuck. Again it's too late. Dan: And Isamu got fried. All: [Bored] Hooray. > A giant blast occurs, knocking the Eva's down and sending and > earthquake towards the base. Tango: This guy has no concept of even basic physics what so ever, no doubt they heard the explosion before they heard it? Bring back Ben Hutchins, at least he had a clue! > "ISAMU!" Everyone shouts. All: ADRIAN! > "Noooo!" Rebecca: He lived like a warrior ans died to an hero. > Asuka looks in terror at the center of the blast. Tsuneo: Any reason why she liked him? I mean, apart from being the resident SI, that is. > Her Eva is sitting down from the blast. Dan: Um... It was knocked down by the blast? It's sitting down? It's downwind from the blast? Help? > "Oh my god!" Rei can't believe just what happened. Tsuneo: I can't believe what she just said, but never mind. > "Misato is he?" Shinji asks. Tango: No Shinji, Misato is "she." It's very easy to tell these things. > Misato stares at the screen shocked. Dan: [Misato] The blue screen of death? From the Magi? > "He killed the angel, and risked his life." Misato says to herself. Tsuneo: Ok, how many times have the others risked their lives!? Like when Shinji took on the Shamshiel with only a few seconds of power left to save Touji and Kensuke? Or when Rei stepped between Ramiel and 01, or when Asuka went diving in the volcano for Sandalphon? Or When Misato climed aboard the rampant Jet Alone and forced it to shut down manually! This is some lame stuff by Isamu! One angel blows up in his face and he expects everyone to cheer for him. Tango: Well, for the Angel at least. > "Misato we have to get a rescue party out there now!" Ritsuko shouts > to wake up Misato. Dan: [Misato] Huh, wha, football practice... Melons! I'm awake! > "Get a rescue party out there now! Our pilot is the top priority!" Tango: Shouldn't that be the other way around? last I checked Ritsuko couldn't give a stuff about the pilots. Rebecca: They'll just break out a new one from the long list of uberkids lined up out the front. Dan: Yeah, it's not like it's a hard choice. [Ritsuko] Next! Rebecca: [Issei] I may be only twelve, but I'm a thousand times smarter than you! And if you don't like it- Dan: [Ritsuko] Next. Rebecca: [Lisa] I think we should all just be nice to each other- Dan: [Ritsuko] Next. Rebecca: [Tom] Dyron 3:16 says I'm the best damned EVA pilot you've ever seen! And that's the bottom line- Dan: [Ritsuko] Next. Rebecca: [Anthony] Can you help me up? I've fallen over again. Dan: [Ritsuko] Next. Rebecca: [Jim] ... Dan: [Ritsuko] Next. Rebecca: [DJ] Well of course you should hire me. I'm absolutely perfect! Dan: [Ritsuko] Next. Rebecca: [Jon] My name is Jon. Dan: [Ritsuko] You're hired. > The dust cleared away and everyone could see. The angel had been blown > to bits, and the Eva stood crouched, almost entirely melted. Rebecca: Hey, it looks like the results of Misato's last drunken fry-up. Tango: Nice eva 00 impression! > "We can't get any readings from the pilot." Tsuneo: He only does book signings. > Asuka went running towards Isamu. (He has to be alive.) She thought to > herself. Dan: Why? Tango: So she can kill him herself. > "Isamu? Can you hear me in there?" No answer. Rebecca: It's kind of thick. > "Asuka, wait." Rei ran after her. Shinji followed. Asuka ejected from > her Eva and jumped on to Isamu's. All: Super leap! > She ejected the pod Tsuneo: Can I ask how, or would it be a dumb question? > and tried to open it. It seemed to have melted in. Shinji grabbed a > crowbar Tango: [Bart] Good ol' bluey. Dan: You wuss, Shinji. You used yuour bare hands last time. Tsuneo: [Shinji] I was trying last time. > and started to pry it open. > "Almost got it." > It pried open. Rebecca: He then made off with the TV, VCR and a whole lot of jewelry. > "Isamu!" They all shouted. > He lied there, Dan: I did not inhale. Tsuneo: I am not a crook. Rebecca: This is the recession we had to have. Tango: Your check is in the mail. > not a pretty sight. Tango: He hadn't been injured, that's just the general description we missed out on last episode. > "Oh my god!" Rei turned her head and started to cry. Dan: [Rei] Break out a new one. Tsuneo: Uh, Rei? They don't clone the other pilots. [Pause] Dan: [Rei] Oh. > Shinji put his arm around her. Rebecca: Heck, he could put a hand around her waist. Tsuneo: [Rei] Any reason why I'm being emotional all of a sudden? > "Isamu" Asuka was gonna burst. Tango: So what, Lord Juzuho was in her head? > "Noooo!" Asuka flung herself on Isamu. Rebecca: [Asuka] Death from above! SQUISH! > "You can't die!" Tango: Yes he can, you just need to put your foot on his neck like thissss... > "A.s.u.k.a, I'm not dead yet uhhh" Dan: [Isamu] Wait... Let mer revise that statement... > "Isamu!" Isamu opened his eyes as much as he could and saw Asuka, but > blurry. Tango: [Isamu] Damn. Where are my contact lenses? > "ISAMU! Is he alive?" Tango: No, it was an involuntary muscle spasm by a rapidly stiffening corpse that cause some familiar noises. What do you think? > Misato was on the Eva Dan: How the hell did she get there so fast? > and ran towards the other pilots. > "He's alive! We need an ambulance here now!" Tsuneo: Has anyone noticed that several minutes have elapsed since Isamu was smacked down and that any decent ambulance crew within the first world, especially in Japan, would have been in and out by now? Certainly sooner than Misato. Rebecca: Funny that. > Isamu was again put into the ambulance car and driven away to the > hospital. Dan: For some reason, they changed directions half way and headed for the morgue. > Misato and the pilots all watched it drive away. It wasn't a good day. Tango: There hasn't been a good day since about episode 7, IE before Asuka arrived. Dan: Isn't "good day" and Evangelion an oxymoron? Rebecca: I see the fic's living up to its title. > Hospital Rebecca: St. Healthscare. > "How is he doctor?" Tango: [Doctor] Deep fried and flat. > "It's hard to tell right now. I'm sorry, give it a day or two. Then > we'll know how he's gonna turn out. Again I'm sorry." Dan: [Doctor] He's in an unstated condition, suffering from unspecified injuries. Can I take this time to mention that we'd like more funding? > "It's okay it's not your fault." Misato sat down on the bench and put > her head in her hands. Rebecca: Well actually it is, but never mind. Tsuneo: [Misato] How did I get stuck in this abhorent fic? > "You okay?" > "Huh? Kaji? What are you doing here?" Dan: [Kaji] Getting my appearance fee. Well, I'm off. > "I came to see how you were doing and Isamu, silly, what do you think?" Rebecca: [Misato] You're horny and in dire need of a screw? Dan: [Kaji] That too. > "Oh, I'm fine I don't know about Isamu though." (sighs) "I feel that > this is somehow my fault." Tango: Of course it's her fault, she let Isamu use the bloody eva in the first place. Tsuneo: [Misato] It's something about being his commander, but I'm not sure what. > Kaji sits down next to Misato and puts his arms around her. Dan: [Kaji] Look, there's nothing you can do about it right now. Wanna go out the back instead? > "It's not Misato. Rebecca: It's not? Then who the hell have you been boffing all this time? > It's no ones fault. Tango: Save for some fanfic writer. > Besides that kid saved lives today. You should be proud of him." > "I am." > Apartment Rebecca: Hell on Earth. > "Misato should be calling anytime now… what's taking so long!?" Dan: Kaji's there. Figure it out. > (RIIIINNGG) > "I got it!" Asuka quickly grabs the phone. Tango: It just occured to me that Asuka has never answered the phone even once in the entire history of Eva. Rebecca: There are lesser people to do that for her. > "Hello? Misato? How is he? Tsuneo: Baking to a golden brown. > uh huh, yeah, ok. I'll tell the others." Rebecca: [Auska] Fic's cancelled! We can all go now! > Asuka hangs up the phone. All: Intense Phone Hanging Up Action! Tsuneo: Why can't his fight scenes have details like these? > "What?" Rei and Shinji ask. > "They can't tell how he's doing right now. To me, that sounds bad." Tango: He'll be out in two days. Those pithy 6th degree burns are nothing to an indestructable SI like Isamu. > Asuka slowly walks to her room, tears are starting to well up. Tsuneo: But she promised she would never cry again. Ever. > "I can't believe this is happening." All: You're not the only one! Tango: Can Isamu get into his EVA even once without being maimed and ending up in hospital? Dan: Hopefully not. > Shinji sits next to Rei on the > couch, they both are silent for a long time. Dan: [Shinji] So... Rebecca: [Rei] So... Tango: This is what the future looks like. Sad, huh? > They can then hear the sounds of Asuka crying. Rebecca: [Asuka] How can he keep surviving like this? > "I think we should check on her." Rei suggest. Tsuneo: Rei? That might not be a good idea. > "I think, maybe, she wants to be alone." Rei gets up anyways and goes > to Asuka's room. > "Asuka? Are you all right?" Rebecca: Think about this for a second. Is Asuka ever alright? Dan: You're probably the *last* person she'd want to see right about now. > (sniffles) "I'm fine just leave me alone." > "You are not fine. Tango [Rei]: You are under my control. All Hail Fuhrer Ayanami! Tsuneo: Don't do that. > You are crying because you are sad. Dan: Very observant, Rei. > I learned that when people cry, they are either happy or sad." Rebecca: [Rei] It's true! The Magi told me so! > "That's great, I'm just happy, really, I'm fine." Tsuneo: She admits it! She's happy Isamu got blown up! > "Asuka, I know you and I are not the closest of friends, but Isamu is > both of our friends." Dan: That's right, they each only got two friends and Isamu is both... Hang on a sec. Tango: Ie Isamu has no friends in real life so he writes a story in which two chicks fight over him. Voice: Actually, the authour's female. Rebecca: That's kinda worse. > A knock on the door interupts Rei. Tsuneo: [Rei] Do you mind? I'm busy ineffectually counselling here. > "Sorry, can I come in?" Dan: Only if you've got a bottle. > "Oh, great, more people to talk to. Why don't you both leave!?" Tango: The talking to Asuka fee is now $40 per minute or part thereof. > "Shinji, let's go." > "NO!" > "Shinji!" Rebecca: Um... Who's talking here? I think it's important. > "Asuka, we're your friends, whether you like it or not. All: Not! > Isamu is in the hospital! How can you just lie here and cry. Tango: [Shinji] When we should be there suffocating him with a pillow. > We should be praying for him to live, and not moping. Dan: Oh, that's rich coming from Shinji! > He's not dead you know!" Tango: I can fix that. > "Shinji. Calm yourself." Rei puts her hand on Shinji's shoulder. Rebecca: [Rei] And can I have that back when you're finished? > "I'm sorry Rei. Asuka, we're going to the hospital. Tango: [Shinji] What part do you want as a souvenir? > You wanna come or not?" > Asuka is quiet. Rebecca: A calendar event. > "Fine. Let's go Rei." Dan: Did I miss something here? Since when was Shinji assertive? > "WAIT!" Asuka's face is wet from her tears, but she is no longer crying. > "I want to go too." Rebecca: [Asuka] Maybe there'll be blood. Blood is good. > "Good." Shinji walks out of the room, a little happy that his plan > worked. Tsuneo: Would this plan be found anywhere near a decent plot per chance? All: Nah. > Hospital Room 21 Tsuneo: [Isamu] I hate this place. > "Isamu? Can you hear me?" Dan: Pick up the damn phone, Isamu. Tango: Ground control to Major Tom, come in. > "I don't think he can." > "C'mon, you have to wake up!" Tango: Asuka should try wallopin' him with this 'har stick. > "Asuka, its no use." > (sighs) "Misato this sucks." [Tsuneo clears his throat loudly] > "I know it does. But we can't get all negative. Dan: Just because he's dying and all. > Now, I think you need some sleep." Rebecca: [Asuka] So you dragged me from my private sulk in the comfort of my own room to this hospital, *just* for a half-a-minute sulk and now you want me to just go back home? that does it! WA-TAK! > "No, I'm fine." Dan: When obviously such was not the case. > "Asuka, you've been up all night. Even Rei and Shinji fell asleep on > the benches. Rebecca: Oh, like that's surprising. You should see what Rei sleeps on at home. > Kaji too." > "What about you?" > "Hah, I've had so much coffee, I could stay awake for days." Tango: You know what happens when you mix beer and coffee? One big ass Unit 03 is what. > "That's all I need, coffee." Tsuneo: [Asuka] Must have coffee! > "No, Asuka, go get some sleep. Don't worry if anything happens, Dan: It'll be a first for this fic. > I will wake you." Rebecca: Better yet, don't. > Misato grabbed Asuka's shoulders and led her outside to the benches > where Shinji, Rei and Kaji were asleep. Tango: Well the accomadation in this dive really bites. > "Ok, ok. But remember to wake me!" "Shhh, alright, I will." > Asuka lay down and closed her eyes. She was very tired actually, Tsuneo: We're tired of the fic, do we get a rest break? Voice: No. > and she fell asleep quickly. Rebecca: Snooze. > (DREAM) Tango: Oh cool, he's dead again! > (whistling) "What? Who's there?" Dan: I dunno, who's talking? Tsuneo: Who's dream is this anyway? > "Isn't the scenery great, it's just so beautiful; Dan: Well maybe if you described it... > don't you think Asuka?" Tango: He's dreaming about himself and Asuka. Rebecca: Ah, so he's having a nightmare. Tango: Why don't I like ths sounds of where this is heading? > "Huh, Isamu? Is that you?" > "Yeah, of course, who else would it be?" Tsuneo: I dunno, who else lives inside Asuka's head? > "But but" > "What? What's wrong?" Dan: You're here, aren't you? > "Is this a dream, or something?" Rebecca: I'll opt for "something." Tango: Why don't you hit yourself in the face and find out moron? Dan: Who's speaking here? I can't remember. > "Uh huh, it's your dream. Course, I don't know why I'm in it." Tsuneo: Us neither. Care to explain it? > "What! Well because you're in the hospital right now. You know how > worried every one is?" Rebecca: [Asuka] They're scared you might pull through. > "Really? I'm sorry, but hey, what about this scenery?" Tango: Misato *chuckle* Scenery *chortle*... [He collapses with laughter] Dan: We'd know what you were going on about if you described it! > "What? I'm talking about you in the hospital, and you only care about > the scenery?" Tsuneo: About now the fic crosses the line of coherence and heads of for headachesville. > "Well, I can't help it. It is your dream Asuka, why don't you enjoy it?" [Tango clutches his stomach and makes groaning sounds.] > "Well, it is my dream huh?" > "Yup." Rebecca: Wow, even Shakespeare couldn't have dreamed up this dialogue. > "Oh, well then, the scenery is beautiful." Dan: Did we mention how good the scenery is? Tsuneo: If this is Asuka's dream, then beautiful scenery seems so wrong. > "Yeah." Asuka didn't know why she was having this dream Dan: We don't know why this fic's been written, so there you go. Tango: So she can kill Isamu again and again and again. Tsuneo: Yes, we know you've got a problem with Isamu, just leave us out of it. > She wasn't even sure it was a dream. It seemed so real to her, Rebecca: Really? It seems perfectly surreal to us. > it was like Isamu was never injured and they weren't even pilots. Dan: Of course, then you never would have met him. > They were just normal teenage kids looking at the scenery of Tokyo 3. Rebecca: Tokyo-3 is your beautiful scenery? Oh, for crying out loud! > Why Isamu was in her dream was also a mystery. Tango: Because the author has emotional trauma. > Then it happened. Rebecca: Naughty boy! SLAP! Dan: Nothing in particular, just you know, "it." > Isamu slid closer to her and put his arm around her waist. > "What are you doing!?" Rebecca: Inviting death? Tsuneo: Figure it out, Asuka. Dan: He's muttering something about "baloney ponies." [Tango collapses to the floor, unmoving.] Dan: Uh, Tango? You still with us? Hello? [He prods Tango a few times, with no response.] Rebecca: Oh, leave him. > "What? I don't know. It's your dream. Whatever I do is just because your > mind wishes it." Dan: That's a little more than I needed to know. Tsuneo: Asuka, you have problems. Of course, we all knew that, but these are *new* problems. > "Huh, no, this can't be right!" Rebecca: Wow, how long did that take you? > "If you don't want me to, then I'll stop, but you have to want me not to > do it." Dan: I don't want you to do it, does that count? Tsuneo: No, Dan. > "Ok I want you to stop hey your arms not off my waist!" Tsuneo: Um... What the hell does that mean? Rebecca: It means the author suddenly forgot everything she knew about grammar. > "Haha, don't look at me. Not, my fault uhhhhh." Dan: Additional dialogue by William Shatner. > "Isamu! What, what's wrong!?" Tsuneo: [Isamu] I'm stuck in a crappy dream sequence in a crappy fanfic. What do you think? > "I uhhhhh Asuka get the doctor get doctor Asuka doctor" Tango: The camera pans around to show that Asuka had shot Isamu with a spear gun. Rebecca: Glad to see you're back with us. Tango: Mum? Is that you? Oh... Yeah, I'm here. Whoops. [He gets back onto the couch] > "ISAMU!" > "ISAMU! Dan: Is there an echo in here? > NOOO!" Dan: Oh, okay then. > "Asuka! What's wrong?" Tsuneo: You tell us, you're the one clutching your chest in agony. > "Mi, Misato! Get the doctor,quick, Rebecca: Why's she yelling for Misato? Misato's not in this crappy dream. Dan: maybe she woke up and no-one told us. About par for this fic, I'd say. > Isamu, he needs a doctor." Tango: You don't need a doctor to pull the plug. > "What? Asuka? Are you okay?" Dan: I dunno, something about screaming her head off. Rebecca: I see nothing unusual here. > "Misato, please, just get the doctor!" > "OK." Misato ran for the doctor as fast as she could. Tango: Which, considering how much she'd drunk, wasn't very fast at all. And slightly sideways. > "It's a good thing you got me. We determined his problem. Tsuneo: Oh really? We could have told you what that is. > His ribs were broken and stabbing into his organs. Tango: It's called a flail chest you moron. The average doctor does know how to recognize it. Tsuneo: I'm surprised they didin't spot it when they brought him in. Dan: At least it's better than his earlier "unspecified" injuries. > He's lost some blood but we > got to him fast enough to stop it and save his life. All: Damn. > He might have died if any more time had passed. All: Damn. > How did you know to get me?" Rebecca: Uberkid super telepathy! Dan: The voice in her head told her to. Voice: Hey, don't blame me. > "I,I didn't." Tango: [Asuka] I swear I didn't mean to save him! It was an accident, your honour! > "Well, whoever it was, it was a good thing." The doctor left the room and > left Misato a little dumbfounded. Rebecca: Yeah, like that's hard. > "How did Asuka" Dan: How now brown cow? > "Misato?" > "Kaji?" Tango: Fred? Fred, it's you! Rebecca: Who's in this scene? I forgot. > "How's he doing?" Dan: Incoherent. > "He's going to be fine now. I am so relieved." Tsuneo: We, on the other hand, have been scarred for life. > "That's great news. Did you get any sleep?" Rebecca: Yeah, they're having a special down at the mall. > "Haha, no actually, but I think I'm going home to get some right now. Rebecca: [Kaji] I think I'll go and "get some" myself! > But first I gotta talk to someone." > "Misato how is he?" Dan: Let's just repeat the past few incoherent lines a few more times. > "He's gonna be fine Shinji." Tango: Looks like Shinji is out of the job for a little while longer. > "Oh, thank god. Tsuneo: That may not be advisable in an EVA fic. Rebecca: Thank DJ instead. He's the next best thing. > This is the best news we've gotten today Shinji." Dan: Slightly below my grandmother dying. > "It's the best we've all had Rei. Rebecca: It's good because they've all had Rei? The hell? > Have you two seen Asuka?" > "No, sorry, I would think that she would want to know about this." > "I think she already knows Rei." Tsuneo: Yeah, they met in episode nine. > Outside Hospital Tango: Oh, so that's what it's called. It's the Outside Hospital. > "Asuka?" > "Huh? Oh, Misato. How is he?" Dan: Aack, not again! > "He's going to be fine. All: Pity. > But you already knew that didn't you?" Rebecca: *She* read the *script.* Tsuneo: Could someone please tell me who's talking here? Is Asuka just assailing random passers-by? > "Huh, no, I thought he was gonna die." Rebecca: [Asuka] Well, hoping actually. > "Asuka, how did you know that we had to get the doctor?" > "Well I'm not sure. I had this dream, but I don't remember it very well." Tango: We are all trying very hard to forget... Forget... Forget. > "Was it about Isamu?" > "Yea." Dan: We feel for you, really. > "Oh, really?" > "HEY! It wasn't like that!" Tsuneo: [Asuka] And I didn't kill him either! Well, not much... > "Hehe, I was just kidding Asuka. But, really, it was about him?" Dan: Didn't you just say that? This fic keeps on repeating itself! Aack! > "Uh huh, and I don't know why." Rebecca: Well why not? He's been haunting all your waking hours already. > "Well, he's going to live. So you can find out why you dreamt about > him. Dan: Don't worry, it's probably just a brand new psychological problem. > (yawns) Well, I think I need my beauty sleep. Tango: Misato doesn't need beauty sleep, she needs hangover sleep. > Good night or > morning Asuka." Misato waved and headed towards the car where Kaji was > standing. Tsuneo: That's not such a good idea. Neither of you are in a right state to drive. Tango: [Kaji] We're off to tend the melons! Rebecca: [Misato] Melons? Is that all you think about these days? Tango: [Kaji] How about a banana then? Rebecca: [Misato] Sigh... > (sighs) "Why did I?" Tsuneo: Because the laughable excuse for a plot in this fic required it. > Hospital Dan: Ah, smell that wonderfull detergent. > "Sir, no you can't get up! Wait, you'll hurt yourself!" All: Do it! Do it! Do it! > "Sir, Please!" Dan: Can you tell us what the hell's going on? > "What's going on?" Shinji asks Rei. Rebecca [Rei]: A series of seemingly random events that are interconected at a level that few would perceive. > "I don't know, looks like a patient is going out of control." Rebecca: You've got it all wrong, that's the EVAs' jobs. Tsuneo: He keeps trying to write more crappy fics. > "Sir, please, stay in bed, you can just use the bed pan!" Dan: That's more info then I needed. Tango: Maybe Steve Austin will use the bedpan on him. > "Oh no! I'm not using that thing!" > "Isamu!" Shinji gets up and goes towards where the commotion is happening. Tsuneo: Oh my god! We had a descriptive passage rather than just dialouge! Amazing! > "Please, I really need to go! I can get to the toilet by myself. Dan: I wouldn't try it. There's roving gangs of organ transplant patients out there looking for victims. > I REALLY need to go!" Isamu is trying to get past all the nurses towards > the bathroom. Tango: Can Isamu get to the bathroom? Find out in the next *thrilling* chapter of Evangelion: The Good Life. > He can't understand why they won't let him go, Tsuneo: Maybe if he had some clothes on... O_o Dan: Something to do with the way they strapped him down to the bed. Rebecca: If he's going to shack up with Auska he'd better get used to it... > he was feeling fine. Tango: Fine by his standards, massively ill by ours. Anything to keep him away from the general public. > "Isamu?" > "Shinji, help me here, they won't let me go to > the bathroom, I really need to go." Tsuneo: [Shinji] Isamu? I *really* don't want to get involved in this one. Tango: Just go in your bed like Issei would! Rebecca: They're restraining him with a whole row of commas! > "Can't you let him go?" Dan: Damn, these doctors are sadists! > "He needs supervision." Rebecca: Keep him away from sharp objects. > "I can take him." Dan: [Shinji] He's not so tough! > "Are you sure?" > "Yes!" > "Ok." Dan: Fine! Tsuneo: Indeed! Rebecca: Definitely! Tango: Yes! > "Geez, finally. Thanks, Shinji, now let's go quick!" Dan: [Shinji] Ah... whoops, you already did. > "Right!" Tango: Left! Left! Right! Left! Right! Handbrakey! > "So how are you doing?" > (sighs) Rebecca: [Isamu, relieved] I've been waiting all day for that. > "Second time I've been in the hospital. It's like every time I get > into that Eva." Tango: [Shinji] Get used to it. > "Yeah, I know how you feel, used to happen to me too. Still does sometimes." Tsuneo: [Shinji] You hate this place yet? > "But, I don't know why I keep on getting back in that thing. Dan: Have a psychotic episode and you'll figure it out, no problem. > I guess I just want to be someone." Tango: Well, he's certainly different. Dan: see, he admitted it. He's just a wannabe. > "Yeah." > "Well, why do you do it?" Tsuneo: Do you have a couple of hours? > "I used to for my father. [They all clear their throats loudly] > But now I just do it because I can and people need my help." Dan: And you've got to admit, it's quite a turnaroud for him. > "That's a good enough reason for me. I'll use that one from now on." Rebecca: [Shinji] Get your own schtick, loser. > "Haha, go ahead." Tsuneo: Weren't they heading for the bathroom or something? > "Rei? Where's Shinji?" Tango: Uhh? what just happened? I have a feeling there was a massive scene change that I just missed. Tsuneo: It didn't have a stupid title, that's the problem. > "He took Isamu to the bathroom?" Dan: This is an after-action replay we *don't* need. > "What??? He can't go by himself?" Rebecca: That says volumes. Tango: His mummy made him use the ladies bathroom. > "Haha, no it's not like that. The nurses won't let him go alone." Rebecca: They like to watch. > "Ohhh. I feel better now. So how does he look though?" Dan: Flat and fried. Tango: Like a charlie variant Self insertion. Why? Tsuneo: Actually, that's what we've been waiting two chapters to know. > "He looks healthy. Dan: Apart form that huge gash and all. > He's going to be fine, the doctor says." > "That's good." Rebecca: Just to repeat what's already been repeated a nigh-infinite number of times... > "Look, here they come now." Rei pointed to Isamu and > Shinji walking towards Isamu's room. Tsuneo: What, were you spying on them while he was using the bathroom? > Asuka saw how Isamu was all bandaged up, Tango: And took pride in her job being so well done. > she remembered her dream, Dan: The one where she was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream. All: [Singing] But that's really not important to the story. > how he was in so much pain. > She started to cry but held it in. She didn't want anyone to see. Tsuneo: Shock! Acurate chartacterisation! Doesn't make up for the rest of the fic, though... > "Let's go." Rebecca: On three! One! Two! Three! Go, go, go! [Tango leaps up and starts running frantically around the room, screaming.] Dan: You're too cruel. Rebecca: That's enough, soldier. [Tango immediately returns to his seat.] > Rei got up and walked towards the two guys, Asuka followed. > "So, you guys have fun?" Asuka asked trying to lighten herself up. All: O_o Rebecca: You wouldn't believe how much fun two teenage boys could have together in a bathroom. Tsuneo: Hang on... [Tsuneo leans over, searches behind the couch for a second, and finally comes back up, holding a crumpled sign reading: Let's not go there.] > "Yeah, a blast." Tango: Hurghk... Rebecca: Uh, doc? There's something else wrong with Isamu here... > Isamu smiled at Asuka happy to see her. Dan: Ah, the medication's finally kicked in. > "Where were you?" > "Oh, just went to get some air." Tango: In the bathroom? No, skip that, I don't *want* to know. > "I was hoping you be the first person I see again. I would have said your > name this time." Tango: This fic gets my official FUBAR award for incoherency. > "Heh." Asuka smiled, Rebecca: Hey look, you can see her fangs. > but she was still feeling sad. > "Umm, Rei, let's go get something to drink. Tsuneo: Come on, bro. Let's get a brew. Rebecca: [Shinji] Damn straight! > I think we're all thirsty?" > "I am!" Isamu shouted, sticking his hand in the air. Dan: Let's all have ice cream! > "We'll be right back." Rei said and they both walked off. Rebecca: Don't change that channel; don't touch that dial! > Isamu was feeling a little tired so he climbed back into bed. > "Hope you don't mind. Kinda tired." > "Oh, no problem." Asuka helped Isamu into bed and made him comfortable. Tango: We are headed towards at least lime territory folks, don't be surprised if this evolves into a lemon within the next two chapters. > "Thanks mom, now can you read me a bedtime story?" Dan: [Asuka] Okay. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess called Asuka and a lowly peasant called Isamu. One day, the princess met the peasant and went WA-TAK! Goodnight. > "Haha. Not tonight, right to bed with you!" Tsuneo: Asuka's really getting fresh tonight. > Asuka was laughing on the outside at Isamu's jokes Dan: But on the inside, they hurt like hell. > but she kept on remembering her dream. Tango: It was enough to make us cry. > She broke Rebecca: Now look what you've done! We'll have to get a new one. > and started crying, she knew that she looked like a complete idiot Dan: Oh, we could've told you that. > but she couldn't hold it in anymore. > "Asuka what? I'm sorry, why are you crying? Did I make a bad joke? Tango: You *are* a bad joke. > Asuka tell me what's wrong?" Tsuneo: [Asuka] You. Duh. > Isamu sat up and grabbed Asuka's shoulder. She was crying but for what he > didn't know. > "Asuka please tell me what's wrong?" Tango: What's wrong!? She is insane loony who desperately needs prozac is what's wrong. > (crying) "Isamu!" Asuka flung herself towards Isamu and was leaning all > her weight towards him. Dan: Tipping him over and sending them both flailing to the floor. Tango: More cuddly than a Variant A Timberwolf. > "Asuka." Isamu held Asuka fearing that she was gonna fall right out of > his grasp if he let go. Tsuneo: actually that's escape, but never mind. Rebecca: Tap out, Asuka, tap out! > "Isamu, I'm sorry." > "Why Asuka? You didn't do anything." Dan: [Asuka] I know! And you were right in my sights! > "That's the point! I just let you go, I was suppose to be your back up!" Rebecca: [Asuka] What? The great Asuka is no man's backup! WA-TAK! > "Asuka, you can't blame this on yourself. Tango: [Asuka] Okay Isamu, I blame it all on you. Dan: [Isamu] See? Waitasec... > I was the one who risked my life. Asuka" > "Isamu, I was so afraid. That that you were gonna die. I don't know why! Tsuneo: Neither do we, but there you go. > I just seem to get so sad every time I think that your gonna die." Isamu > couldn't believe what he was hearing. Tsuneo: Neither can we. This Asuka right here has got to be the most OOC that I have seen since Delta invasion. > This was Asuka, he saw her laugh in the face of thousands of guys Dan: But he's only known her for a month. > and insult them as well. She was tough and strong, or was she? Tsuneo: Well yes, she is! That's what we've been saying! Under that heartless bitchy exterior she isn't soft and stroppy; she's a heartless bitch to the core. > "I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I wanted to be there, every > second but I just couldn't!" Rebecca: [Asuka] There was a neat re-run on TV. Sorry. > (crying) "Asuka" Isamu grabbed Asuka's chin and raised her face. Dan: "Asuka?" I get it! It's just someone impersonating Asuka! That's alright then. > It was streaked with tears running down her face. He wiped the tears away with > his hand, but more came. Tango: Damn tap needs fixing. > "Asuka, you don't have to be sorry for anything. Why are you acting like this. Rebecca: Don't ask us. Tsuneo: [Isamu] What happened to my question mark? > It doesn't matter that I didn't see you first, but that I'm seeing you > right now." Tango: Yuck, eh? > "Isamu" Isamu leaned in to kiss Asuka. > She stopped crying. Dan: Yeah, she was screaming instead. > "Please, don't cry anymore. Your making my bed wet." Rebecca: *Wetter,* that is. > Isamu smiled at Asuka. > Asuka smiled back. Rebecca: Damn, this has turned into Star Ruby! Blackarachnia: [V/O] I grin because I have been robbed of all my brain cells. Voice: Gotta get that thing fixed. > "I'm sorry." They kissed again. > "Awww, look at those two." Tsuneo: Sickening, isn't it? > "Shhh. Rei." Shinji and Rei walked off and smiled at each other. > "It kind of reminds me of us." Rei leaned her head on Shinji's shoulder. Dan: Yeah, Rei gets really stroppy like that all the time. > "Haha, yeah, kinda." Shinji kissed Rei on the cheek and kept on walking. > "Let's leave them alone for a while." > "Uh huh." Rei agreed. > Isamu left the hospital and got back to the apartment. Rebecca: Just like that? I guess it's another miracle recovery by Isamu. > "Welcome home!" Everyone shouted. > Isamu smiled at the greeting. > "Home sweet home!" > The End for now Dan: Or until Isamu suffers another amusing accident. > So what cha think? Tango: I hate it. > This was one was filled with a lot of mushy stuff huh? Tango: Yeah, we noiced. I am going to turn this author into mushy stuff if he doesn't watch out. > Sorry if you hate that kind of stuff but its just makes it more > interesting, well for me anyways. Tsuneo: Only because it's your avatar. > More action filled stories coming up! Rebecca: We can hardly wait. [The TV switches off.] Dan: That was... A waste of time, really. Tango: Why do people write this stuff? Forget that, why do people like Asuka? Rebecca: It mystifies me. Dan: ... Voice: Reviews, anyone? Dan: I've got to wonder just what's so special abotu Isamu. I mean, he isn't a ridiculously good pilot, he doesn't do incredibly good things, he doesn't have a list of credentials as long as your arm... Basically, he's just annoying but everyone loves him nonetheless. At least people like Tom or DJ give extremely hollow reasons why people like them. But Isamu? We don't even know if he's good looking or not. Rebecca: Well, that was. I'm amazed at just how loopily incoherent it is. Half the time you can't figure out who'se talking. It seems like the fic just cuts into the middle of conversations between two or more unnamed parties. You can't make a shred of sense of it all. As for his fight scene- I was impressed by it's lack of coherence. Most of it was sound effects and people shouting at each other. Tango: Well, given it was better than the first part but it still makes my head hurt. It bounces around way to much for it's own good and makes no sense whatsoever. Still, at least it was reasonably well written by someone who passed through elementary school. Damn pre-teens should not be allowed to use computers nor watch anime. It was annoying the way the author interjected comments as well. Don't worry though, I'm sure skeet shooting with sailor moon toys will help stave off the other voices in my head for now... Tsuneo: This is not EVA. EVA is gloomy, dark, ambiguous and the conclusion is always in doubt. This fic is bright and cheery, with everyone being happy. It's wrong. And why does Rei keep on ending up with Shinji despite this tiny thing called reality? Voice: Thanks guys. I've got to say- [Tango suddenly leaps up from the couch, then starts screaming and bashing the TV set repeatedly with the butt-end of his rifle.] Tango: AAGH! Damn Asuka freaks! Stupid pigtails! Tiffany Grant! Must kill! Must destroy! Won't go away! Dan: Huh? What's with him? Rebecca: Delayed reaction? Tsuneo: He *is* wierd. Voice: Do you guys mind? He's about to start wrecking the whole cabinet. Rebecca: Oh, alright. [They get up and grab Tango from behind, then drag him out of the apartment, still screaming.] [The screen goes blank.] Tango: They're coming to get me! You can't stop them! Dan: Whatever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) and Twin Cannon (ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-1999 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > "Asuka, I know you and I are not the closest of friends, but Isamu is > both of our friends."