Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MSTing number 81 brings us back to Evangelion: The Good Life for more WAFFy fun. Joy. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Evangelion: The Good life is copyright smart_chick00@yahoo.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dan darted along the darkened corridor, the unmistakable sound of machinery growing louder up ahead. Before this mission, he'd memorised the layout of his battlefield, an abandoned industrial complex. He knew his enemies were most likely to be in the cavernous room ahead of him. He tightened his grip on the huge, multi-barreled cannon in his hands, took a deep breath and swung around the corner. The room could only be described as an industrial nightmare. A multi-layered arrangement of catwalks with a conveyor belt leading upwards to the floor above him. Perch by the top of the conveyor belt was his first target, the unmistakable wide-eyed Tango, gripping an enormous rocket launcher in his hands as if his life depended on it - which it did. Roaring out a cry of "Let's rock!" Dan raised the massive minigun and flicked it into its full auto fire mode. Bullets sprayed from the rotating barrels at an awesome rate. The first few shots scattered by Tango's feet. The crazed commando's reaction was almost instantaneous - he took a flying leap off the conveyor and fired his rocket launcher - straight down. The kick from the rocket propelled him into the air, landing him safely on a nearby catwalk. Dan turned the minigun, still firing with the gun bucking violently as he tried to keep a bead on his prey. Upon landing, Tango snapped off a shot from his rocket launcher, not even bothering to aim. Dan saw the missile incoming, and in a split second released his aim and dashed away from the point of impact. The rocket struck just behind him, the shockwave of its explosion propelling him slightly forwards. He crouched behind the base of the conveyor belt for a second, then popped up to nail his opponent. Tango was nowhere to be seen. Dan stood confused for a brief second, wondering where Tango had vanished to. His thoughts were interrupted as the report of a gunshot, accompanied by the sound of a ricochet right by his feet snapped him back to his surroundings. He glanced around, failing to see his assailant. A second round grazed his left shoulder, passing cleanly through the heavy body armour he wore. Dan took to his feet and dashed from his spot, suddenly veering to the left at the sound of another gunshot and heading for a side corridor to take him to safety. In almost perfect timing, Rebecca Bartley stepped out of the very same corridor, facing Dan. She had a pair of heavy autopistols in her hands and a malicious grin on her face. Dan glanced down at his ammunition indicator, looked at her rapidly raising pistols and decided to employ the better part of valor by turning tail and fleeing. Rebecca's shots rang out by his feet as he scampered for another passage, cradling his minigun (nearly useless with only one remaining round) and crying out "Why is everyone picking on me?" Rebecca stepped out of the corridor to follow, but stood back as she spotted the gunmetal of a rifle protruding from one of the higher catwalks. She turned and darted back to safety. Dan scurried through the maze of passages for a control bank. He knew there was more ammunition stashed behind the bank of instruments, and had only to get to it to become a competitor again. He kept low and scampered behind the bank of controls, sweating from the oppressive heat of the furnace in the room. He cursed when he reached his goal and found the ammunition had already been pilfered. He paused for a second to consider his options. There was a spare load of minigun ammunition stored on the floor above. He dashed up the stairs, hoping that no-one would be waiting for him. This just wasn't Dan's day. As he reached the top of the stairs, Tango rounded the corner ahead of him, high-powered plasma cannon in hand. Tango spotted him a split second earlier and opened fire, a beam of lethal green energy searing into Dan's armour. He bolted for the opposite end of the corridor, evading Tango's beam which etched a jagged line into the wall behind Dan's retreating form. Dan discarded his minigun as he ran, drawing his small backup pistol and running straight ahead. Behind him, he heard the sound of Tango's plasma cannon spitting disks of energy at him. Ahead, Dan saw the same cavernous room he was in before. He dashed for the ledge up ahead and kicked in the controls of his special footwear. For a brief second, the high-tech boots practically cancelled his weight and allowed a hasty jump to propel him clear across the room and onto a landing on the far side, well out of the effective range of Tango's gun. He spun around to spot his opponent, but was rudely shocked by what he saw. The weapon Tango was wielding was enormous, comprising of a single barrel with a thick tube on either side. It fired a single enormous rocket at Dan, who was already resigned to his fate. He was instantly vaporised in the resulting explosion. Tango stepped out onto the landing, discarding the rocket launcher as he did. He drew his plasma rifle and searched around for another target. A glint of steel from above caught his attention. Tango raised the rifle, only to be caught in the chest by a bullet. He staggered back, firing futilely upwards, trying desperately to hit his unseen assailant. A second hit stopped him dead. Tsuneo drew the clip from his sniper rifle and checked the magazine. Nine bullets remaining, and Rebecca had to wander along below him sooner or later. He resumed his sniper position and waited. He was caught by surprise when a bullet struck him from behind, piercing his arm. He spun around to face his attacker, seeing Rebecca standing behind him, twin pistols brought to bear. She fired twice, once from each, and watched satisfied as Tsuneo dropped his gun, gaped his pain and collapsed to the catwalk, clutching his "area." [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. A cardboard box sits by the bench, with the tattered remains of a plastic Christmas tree and pieces of tinsel sticking out.] [Tango sits at the computer desk and Rebecca, Dan and Tsuneo sit on the couch, each with laptops. The laptops are all connected to the computer] Rebecca: Yes! Yes! I won again! Who's da man? Dan: That's three in a row. Tsuneo: You know she wouldn't be nearly as effective without that crotch-shot patch. Rebecca: You're only winging because that's twice I've got you like that. Tsuneo: Let's just say it's rather disconcerting. Tango: Huh? Huh? Where'd they all go? What happened? Dan: Tango, the game's over. You've been dead for over a minute. Tango: I have? I was wondering why it wouldn't respond. Tsuneo: So how'd you get so good at Unreal Tournament anyway, Rebecca? Rebecca: Real life experience, mostly. And I get in a lot of practice. Dan: Does that include the um... [Dan points down. Rebecca nods, grinning. Dan and Tsuneo cross their legs] Tsuneo: Ouch. Rebecca: I love this crotch-hit patch. Dan: Quit gloating already. Voice: As much as I hate to interrupt- Tango: AAH! There they are! Where's my gun? Voice: Ugh, calm down. Tango: Huh? is it safe? Rebecca: I'll lie and say yes. Tango: That's a relief! Voice: Anyway, as I was saying, I didn't buy this computer and bring you here so you could kill each other with it. Rebecca: You didn't? Voice: No. You've got a job to do. Dan: and i suppose since Tango's here, it's more of? Voice: Yup. The Good Life. Rebecca: Aw... Nutbunnies. [They put down their laptops. Tango sits on the forwards-facing couch, next to Rebecca. He then inches away from her.] Tsuneo: Let's see if Isamu can go three chapters in a row without being horribly maimed. [The screen lights up.] > Well here it is finally! After days of struggling through that darn > writer's block I've finally managed to choke up another story... Dan: Or rather, choke it out. Tango: So this has been written by Tazz? Rebecca: It's about that interesting. > hope u > like it! I've decided to write my stories a lil differently. Tsuneo: [Authour] I'm leaving random letters out! > Like when > the characters are talking it will be like a script, I find it a little > easier to understand who's talking and when. Tango: That makes two of us. Tsuneo: If this is going to be one of those lame "half-script" fics, I'm leaving. > And oh yeah! In this story > there will be many..well not many, but some new characters being added > in. Tango: More? More? > Hope you can keep track! Well..hope I can haha! Okie enjoy! > Chapter 6 > Secrets Revealed Tsuneo: Fat chance. Rebecca: You've got to wait until End of Evangelion: The Good Life for that. > (somewhere in the U.S) Tango: Nebraska? That's somewhere. Dan: That's nowhere. Rebecca: Care to be any less specific? > Old Man: She what!?!? Why did she do that? Dan: Well, Kaji gave her a thick wad of notes... > Now what are we gonna do now? Tango: Riff it, I guess. > Younger Man: Well sir...we could...get ride of her... Rebecca: Yeah, well I thought Kaji was trying to "get ride of her." > Old Man: Hmmm..maybe...but...how? > Young man: I can do it sir. Tsuneo: Is that the same character as "younger man?" > Old Man: Can I trust you to finish the job, right? Dan: Depends on weather this is union labour or not. > Young Man: Yes sir! I will! Dan: [Young man] I'll happily give her a ride! Rebecca: Yeah, we know you would. > Old Man: Good then. Go, and DON"T come back until the job is done! Tango: [Young man] Does that mean I don't get travel expenses? > Understand? > Young Man: Yes sir. > The young man turns and heads out of the office leaving old man there > to mumble to himself. Dan [Old Man]: I remember the good old days when kosher delis were a lot stronger and tougher than they are today. Nowadays you hit them with a missile and they just blow up. In the old days, we didn't have missiles. If we wanted kosher for dinner, we'd have to go out and kill one with our bare hands. I remember when you could get a shotgun, shells and a hitman for a dollar and still have change for a pack of cigarettes. Kids these days are so damned lazy. My dad made me work 25 hours a day and beat me to death every night. And you tell kids these days that and they won't believe a word you say. Tsuneo: What will we do without the thrilling and intense characters of "Old man" and "Young man?" > (Misato's apartment) Rebecca: I hear the ECW are planning to hold a PPV there. > Misato oh phone: Uh huh..i see now. Tango: [Misato] It's less filling and tastes great. > Right, then I'll get back to you. (hangs up) > Isamu: Who was that? Tsuneo: [Misato] Wrong number. > Misato: No one you need to know right now. Dan: [Isamu] But- Rebecca: [Misato] I said, no-one! > Don't worry about it ok? Dan: [Isamu] But- Rebecca: [Misato] I SAID FORGET IT! Dan: [Isamu, small] Okay. > Isamu: Um..ok then. Was it about Prof. Otagi? Tango: [Misato] No! and it wasn't about the human instrumentality program either! > Misato:...yes, but don't worry about it right now. I'll tell you about it > later when everyone else is here. > Isamu: Where did everyone else go? Dan: They ran away from you, Isamu. Rebecca: They got released from their contracts. I hear Asuka's got a few Nadesico fanfics lined up. > Misato: Just to get us some breakfast. Tango: [Isamu] So why did they go out for breakfast? Tsuneo: Face it Isamu, no-one likes you. > Isamu: Oh...all right then. Rebecca: Gee, do you reckon they're avoiding him? > Misato: They figured you'd had a hard day and could use the extra rest. Dan: Yeah, staying alive is really hard work from him. > Isamu: Yeah..well, guess I did. > Asuka, Shinji and Rei walked home from the market. They had picked up > some coffee and donuts as breakfast. (not healthy! But oh well!) Tango: The American policeman's diet. Dan: Nothing else's worked, so they're going to kill him with cholesterol. > Shinji: So what do you think happened with Prof. Otagi? > Rei: I dunno, it was so...weird. Tsuneo: Yeah, she's special. > Shinji: I know...Asuka? What do you think? Rebecca: [Asuka] ...And then I'll stomp on all his little bits and then burn them, and... Oh, sorry, were you talking to me? > Asuka was silent. All: A miracle! > Shinji: Asuka? You okay? > Asuka shook herself out of her thoughts. Dan: I think I can hear something rattling in there. Rebecca: [Asuka] What? You dare to disturb the great Asuka? WA-TAK! > Asuka: Oh! I'm fine...I was just thinking that's all. > Rei: About what? Dan: [Asuka] You want to know what I was thinking? Tango: [Rei] Well- Dan: [Asuka] It doesn't matter what you want! > Asuka:...nothing... > The three walked the rest of the way back home silently. Rebecca: Living with Rei. > (Airport) Dan: That's how far they're going to avoid him. > The young man from before is seen stepping off of the plane. Tango: Hi there, Young Man! Tsuneo: Notice how it's suddenly gone to prose format? > He has > short spiky black hair and dark dark brown eyes, almost black but not. Tango: So are they, or aren't they? Dan: They're almost but not. > He wearing a suit and carries a suitcase with him. He looks older than > he really is. Tsuneo: So he's not a "Young Man," is he? Tango: On the other hand, he can get into bars and R-rated movies. > He is greeted with a woman in a trench coat. Dan: Agent Scully? Is this what you've sunk to? > Who is covered up pretty well. Dan: Damn. > Young man: You must be... > Woman: Yes, I am her. Dan: I am he who is known as "I Am!" [Pause] Okay, so it worked for Moses. > And your name sir? Rebecca: Young Man. But you can call me "Man." > Young Man: Anson. Tango: Anson Yourpants. > That is all you need to know. > Woman: Ah I see then. Am I the only one? Tsuneo: [Anson] I don't know, is anyone else here? > Anson:...yes. Rebecca: So he's admitted he's a virgin then. > The woman looked at Anson before turning around and walking. Dan: [Woman] Ah forget it. This kid's useless. Tsuneo: [Woman] An idiot. > Woman: Follow me then please. > Anson follows. > As they walk towards their destination Dan: Obviously she's too cheap to hire a cab. Tango: Are we there yet? Rebecca: No. Tango: Are we there yet? Rebecca: No. Tango: Are we there yet? Rebecca: No. Tango: Are we there yet? Rebecca: One more peep out of you and I'm turning this fic around! > Anson is flocked with questions. > Woman: How much are you paying? > Anson: 20 thousands. Dan: Is that in Yens, by any chance? > 10 now, the rest when the job is done. (yes yes..i > took that from a movie!) Tsuneo: Of course, silly me for thinking this couldn't get any more pathetic. Tango: Half now, half tomorrow and half on completion. > Woman: Do you have the information of the victim. > Anson: Yes, the folder is here. > Woman: Where is she located at. Rebecca: [Woman] Where have all my question marks gone? Tango: I believe she's currently hanging out at Hugh Hefner's. > Anson: She is currently working at NERV headquarters. Dan: What's the address? Tango: One, the Geofront, Tokyo-3. Dan: Postcode? > Woman: Hmm, do I go back after this job? > Anson: Yes, unless you want to stay. Tsuneo: There's something fundamentally wrong here, but I can't quite figure it out. > Woman: You are sure there are no others. > Anson:...Yes, I am sure. Dan: [Anson] Didn't you ask me that before? Rebecca: [Woman] Yes, but are there any others? > Now..may I ask you something? Rebecca [Woman]: No, I am not for hire for *that*, and I do not do tricks. Or children's parties. > Woman: What is it? Dan [Anson]: Where's the toilet? I need to go. > Anson: Your name please? Tsuneo [Woman]: My name... It's not important right now. Tango [Anson]: Funny name, Ms. Now. Rebecca: If it's some stupid Bond girl name, I'll shoot someone. > The woman stops for a moment and is silent. Tsuneo: Someone get the Autocue. She's forgotten her lines. Again. > Woman: You may call me Cindy. Rebecca: Cindy, the valley girl assassin. > Anson nods and continues walking. > (School) > Teacher: Students! Please take your seats. Dan: Where do you want us to take them to? > Today, we have a new student Tsuneo: Great. New EVA kid time. > Class: Yay! Dan: Well whoopedy-shit. > A girl walks in the medium length brunette hair. Rebecca: What a wonderful description. Dan: I've never heard of brunette hair before. Tango: Oh, she's a blonde brunette redhead. Dan: Oh yeah- Huh? > She's wearing a slightly different > uniform than the other girls. Tsuneo: It's the leather jacket, tiara and Doc Martens that give it away. > Her's is blue. Tango: But their uniforms are blue anyway. > Teacher: Class this is Rachel Johnson. She comes from America. All: Hello new EVA kid. Tsuneo: You might as well all give up and surrender your free will now. > Rachel waves to everyone and smiles. > Rachel: Ohayo! Everyone! Haha, I'm trying to learn Japanese, mines as > well as long as I'm here! Tsuneo: She has the Japanese more good. Tango: Se habla no Espanol? > Hikari stands and welcomes the new student. Dan: [Hikari] Hi there, and welcome to slapnuts county. > Hikari: Well welcome! You can sit here next to me. I'll show you around > the school later. Rebecca: [Hikari] Rei, get the paddle bats. It's hazing time. > Rachel: Thanks that'd be great. > Rachel takes her seat and class begins. Tsuneo: Hikari threatens to dismember Toji, Rei acts cute and cuddly, Shinji says "Hell yeah," and cheats on his exams, Asuka gets stroppy and sentimental and the teacher drones on about Second Impact. > (Lunch time) Dan: What a fascinating introduction. > Asuka: Hey, have you talked to that new girl yet? > The pilots were sitting at a table eating lunch and discussing about > the new girl at school. > Rei: No I haven't. > Shinji: Me nether. > Isamu: Nope. Dan: Geez, not even I move that fast. Tango: Well how about you go and talk to her? All: Oh, yeah! > Asuka raises and eyebrow. > Asuka: None of you have??? Rebecca: [Rei] Well you haven't either. Tsuneo: [Asuka] So? I'm allowed to out and criticize all of you BECAUSE! > Isamu: Well, she's been with Hikari most of the time. Rebecca: IfyaknowwhatImean. > Maybe they'll drop by later. > Asuka: Well...yeah, Hikari should anyway. Dan: [Asuka] If she remembers who her *real* friends are. > Isamu: Speak of the devil! [They all start chanting in Latin] Voice: Cut that out! What have I told you about trying to summon Elder Gods in the room? > There she is...and with the new girl too. Hello! > Hikari, Touji, Kensuke and Rachel sat down at the table. Tango: [Kensuke] Toji's got Hikari, so that means Kensuke gets lucky! All: Eew. > Hikari: Hey guys! Have you met Rachel yet? Dan: Yeah, she stood up in front of the class and made an idiot of herself already. > Asuka: Not really no. Hi there! I'm Asuka, Asuka Langley. Rebecca: [Asuka] You can call me Her Majesty Queen Asuka Langley Soryu, heir to the throne of Essex, conqueror of the Trake, defeater of the Romulans and most powerful teen in the universe. > Rachel: Asuka Langley! Wow..you're one of those pilots huh?! Dan: [Asuka] See? The peasants do love me! > Asuka: Um..yes... Tsuneo: Is there any reason why she's being modest about it? Rebecca: She's probably overcome by the new character's amazing beauty *again.* > Rachel then grabs Asuka's hand and starts to shake it. Tango: While Asuka runs around clutching the bloody stump. > Rachel: This is sooo cool! I didn't think you would be in the same > school as me! Dan: This is what fans are really like. Rebecca: Sure are. Bet you're glad you don't have any. Dan: That's ri- Heeyyy. > Asuka: Well...t.thanks. Glad I have a fan heh! Rebecca: [Asuka] And if you'll just know your role and shut your mouth, you'll hear the millions... And millions of Asuka's fans chanting her name. > Isamu: I'm sure you have more Asuka-chan. Tsuneo: [Asuka] What have I told you about the fanboy Japanese? Hikari, get the bolt cutters! > Isamu then reaches over and grabs Rachel's hand to shake it. Rebecca: Damn, there are severed extremeties lying all over the place. > Isamu: Hi! I'm Isamu Mitsuragi. > Rachel: Oh my gosh! You're...you're...another.. Dan: [Rachel] Really weedy guy. Tango: [Kensuke] Hey! Don't compare me to him! > Isamu: Yeah, I'm a pilot too. > Rachel: This is so great! Tango: Yeah, I've also always wanted to be the meat of an insane idiot sandwich. > Rachel smiles widely and there seem to be stars in her eyes. Rebecca: Yup. She's gone. Tsuneo: You might want to see someone about that. Dan: They're glowing at a million degrees Celsius and emitting strong gamma radiation. > Shinji: Well then I guess you should know that Rei and me here are > pilots too. Dan: Rei and Shinji. 2015's reformed Job Squad. > Rachel: No way! This is just too much for me! I've heard a lot about > you guys! You're all so cool, fighting those..um..what are they called? Tsuneo: And she's supposed to be a big fan of theirs? > Kensuke answers: Angels. Rebecca: [Rachel] I knew that! > Rachel: Yeah! That's it! Well, it's great to me you guys! Dan: "Me you guys?" What, is she going to give them makeovers? > Asuka smiles. Tango: [Isamu] You know piloting is hard work, but when you see her smile you just know she's getting ready to stab you with something. Dan: You've been watching too many re-runs. > Asuka: Glad to meet you too! Rebecca: [Asuka] I do so enjoy the adoration of the masses. > The rest of the lunch period was filled with more chitchat as all the > kids go to know more about their new friend Rachel. Tsuneo: [I.M. Weasel] They seem to be communicating in the ancient language of "idiot." > They learned about > her father that always had different jobs and moved around a lot. Tango: They were transferred to Broome. Twice. Rebecca: Read: Dad couldn't hold down a job to save his life. > Her mom though died when she was young. Tsuneo: Gee, I wonder where this is going. > She seemed like the type of girl with a lot of...energy. Dan: The fact that she was bouncing off the ceiling was a good indicator. Tsuneo: How about "show, not tell?" Rebecca: Does she know Amelia? She should be popping through fairly soon. > (Misato's apartment) Tango: AKA the "Arena Eternal." > Isamu walks through the door followed by Asuka. He throws his bag on > the floor and flops down on the couch. Dan: [Isamu] Well, that's my big scene out of the way. With all these new characters, I don't get to hog the screen any more. > (yawns) Isamu: Boy..I'm tired. Rebecca: [Isamu] I'll just go sit in the corner and rot. > Asuka sits down next to him Tsuneo: Get ready... For WAFF! > Asuka: Take a nap then. > Isamu: Hmm, is something wrong Asuka? Dan: It's EVA! Something's always wrong. Rebecca: Not in this fic. > Asuka: What do you mean? > Isamu: Well..the other times I say I'm tired you tell me to get up so > we can..I dunno go shopping or something. Rebecca: [Asuka] Yes, but that's only because you're a lazy, worthless wretch. > Now you're telling me to take a nap? > Asuka: Oh..well, I think you deserve some rest for shopping with me so > much. Tango: [Asuka] I can't let him catch on to the fact that I sold his internal organs to the Chinese black market. Dan: [Asuka] If I don't give you at least two hours of sleep a day, you won't be able to obey my every command. > Asuka gives Isamu a kiss on the cheek. I'll go shopping by myself this > time. Rebecca: Not even the most hardened Sherpa's will escort her... Shopping... > Asuka gets up and leaves before Isamu can say anything. Dan: [Isamu] Do I actually do anything here? Hello? God-boy needs urgent attention. > Isamu is left there confused about what just happened. Tango: He's not the only one. Tsuneo: What's so confusing? His girlfriend walked out on him. It was only a matter of time. Rebecca: He's been dumped for a shopping mall. How bitterly ironic. > He's too tired > to think about it so he goes to his room and decides to take that nap. Dan: [Isamu] I have no further part to play in this; I think I'll go and organise my stamp collection. > (NERV) Tango: Number one, the Geofront, Tokyo-3. Tsuneo: ... > Prof. Otagi: Misato, are you here? Rebecca: [Misato, drunk] Let me check... (Hic) Nope! Tango: She's never there. > Eva walks into her office, which is rather messy. Tango: It's Misato's home away from home! > Misato: Eva? What are you doing here?" Dan: [Eva] I work here. Rebecca: [Eva] I was just looking for you, nummy muffin. > Misato crawls out of a pile of papers. Dan: [Kaji, muffled] Where are you going? I'm not done yet! > Prof. Otagi: Well...it's about what happened with the Eva unit. Tango: [Eva] I kind of broke it. Sorry. Tsuneo: [Misato] Don't worry, you'll take it out of your paycheck. Tango: [Eva] I'm making ten dollar payments each week... I'll have it done in about a zillion years. > Misato: Heh, it's ok Eva, they told me all about you. Rebecca: And you and Kaji. And Gendo. And Ritsuko. And all of the bridge bunnies. But oddly enough, not Fuyutski. > Prof. Otagi: Oh?! Well, what did they say? Most of it's not true! Tango: They said she's "special." Dan: [Eva] I don't know anything about the nuclear missiles and the Kreblakistani rebels! > Misato was alarmed by Eva's sudden change of tone in her voice. Tsuneo: We are alarmed my the rapidly changing and generally incoherent scenes of this story. So? > Misato: Don't worry Eva, it wasn't anything bad. Dan: [Eva] But now everyone knows! > Prof. Otagi: Oh...sorry for yelling. Tango: [Misato] Could you do that again? I can still hear a bit out of this ear. > Misato: Oh, don't worry about it. I guess I can understand what you've > gone through. Tsuneo: Care to tell us? Rebecca: [Eva] So you're special too? > Prof. Otagi: Thank you Misato. I...hope you don't plan on telling the > children. Tango: [Misato] Depends. How much money have you got? > Misato: You don't want me to? I think Isamu should know, he's been a > little weirded out by all of this. Dan: A little? Isamu wierds out everyone. Rebecca: For the rest, this is pretty much day to day. Tsuneo: How about telling the audience instead? > (Prof. Otagi sighs) > Prof. Otagi: Well then...I'll talk to him, if it's ok with you. Dan: So why are they talking about telling Isamu but no-one else? Tango: Isamu needs everything spelled out to him. > Misato: It's fine with me. I'll ask him to meet you here and you guys > can talk. Tsuneo: Wonderfull, we'll have a scene completely devoid of regular EVA characters. > Prof. Otagi: Thank you again Misato. Rebecca: [Misato] Thank you, please come again. > Eva walks out of the office leaving Misato in her pile of papers. Dan: [Kaji] So where were we? > Just as she walks out of the door Misato rushes out calling her. > Misato: Eva wait! I'm suppose to talk to you about something. Tango: [Misato] I completely forgot! That's why they made me commander. > (catching her breath) > Prof. Otagi: What is it Misato? Tsuneo: It appears to be a crappy fanfic. > (takes in a breath) Misato: Well, there's a new pilot coming in. Dan: Yep, it's gonna be Rachel alright. Rebecca: I'd hate to think that there's more of them this chapter. Tsuneo: [Rachel, vacuous] Hi, my name is Rachel, and I'll save the world by being extremely perky and cute! > Along with another Commander bringing her in. Tango: Correct me if I'm wrong but there can only be one commander who "commands" everyone else? Tsuneo: Either that or my brain's rotted. > Prof. Otagi: Another pilot already? Dan: [Eva] We haven't killed the last one yet! Okay, so we killed him, but he got better. > Misato: Yeah, I know, but at least this time I don't gotta take care of > her... Rebecca: [Misato] Thank you! No more renovations! > that I'm saying..the other pilots are a lot of trouble..um.heh.. Tango: Sounds like Misato is trying to dig to China. > Prof. Otagi: I understand Misato. Dan: So she's a psychiatrist too? > So, what would you my assistance on? Tsuneo: Grammar for starters. > Misato: Oh! Well, I need you to help with getting the pilot acquainted > with the Eva as well as the commander. Tango: So you need to get the pilot acquainted with the commander? Dan: And isn't that Misato's job anyway? > They're flying in from America, California. Rebecca: I guess all of America must be a suburb of LA by now. > I have their background information here. Tango: She was raised by pig farmer in Wales. Her mother died in an amusing accident involving a tossed salad and a gerbil. Her father choked on a plot contrivance. Her hang-ups include long walks in the park and standing on her head. She'll fit in just fine. > Misato hands Eva a folder. > Prof. Otagi: Well, I'll be happy to. When are they coming in? Dan: We get three dollars off if they're not here by seven-thirty. > Misato: Today. > Prof. Otagi: Oh! Tsuneo: Why doesn't anyone tell each other things *before* they happen in this fic? > Misato: Yeah, sorry for the late notice. You'll have to read up on them > fast. Dan: It's about four hundred pages, not including the appendix. Tango: So what? No-one ever reads the manual. > Prof. Otagi: Ok then. I'll get started now. > Eva walks off already starting on reading about the new commander and > pilot. > She learns that the new commander, Theresa Khuu, was originally from > China, Rebecca: Is that supposed to be a Chinese name? Tsuneo: Oh yeah. She had a good friend called John Smith. > she moved to America when she was 5 with her family. The pilot > she brings with her, Anne, Dan: It's not Rachel? There's another one? Why? > seems to have no last name. She was > abandoned as a baby and was never adopted. Rebecca: She's still living in an orphanage to this day. I don't know why we're getting a file on her. > The American Branch of NERV > adopted her but still, no last name was given. Anne is Vietnamese Tango: A Vietnamese girl called Anne? And if she's Vietnamese, why did the American branch adopt her? > but > not much else is known about her. Her part of the file was very thin. Dan: I think a more appropriate word would be "flaky." > Eva walked down the hallway towards her office when she had that > feeling that someone was following her. Tango: It's the omnipresent, though thoroughly ineffective MIB force! Rebecca: [Eva] My spider sense is tingling. > She turned to look but no one was there. Tango: [Whispering] It's just the water cooler. Dan: [Eva] But it moved! > She kept on walking and ignored the feeling. Rebecca: [Eva] My spider sense is giving me quite a headache. > She walked into her office and sat down at her desk. > (takes in breath) Prof. Otagi:...long day... > Mysterious voice: It has been hasn't it? > Eva jumped out of her seat and stood. > Prof. Otagi: What?! Who's that? Who's there? Dan: [Voice] Er... did I say that out loud? Sorry. Forget it. I'm not here. Ignore me. > A woman jumps down from the ceiling. Tango: So she wasn't being followed then. This seems like more of an ambush to me. Rebecca: She was being followed into the trap. Tango: You're right, it doesn't make any sense. > Cindy: It's nice to see you Eva Otagi. > Prof. Otagi: Who are you and what are you doing here?? > Cindy smiles slyly. > Cindy: You'll find out soon enough... Rebecca: [Cindy] Nummy muffin. > Cindy lunges at Eva only to find that she's pulled out a gun and > pointed it her head. Dan: [Cindy] Okay, maybe I'm rushing this, maybe we should talk about it instead. Let's have a drink. Rebecca: [Eva] I usually don't pull a gun on people until the third date. > Prof. Otagi: Alright...now you tell me what the hell you think your > doing. Tsuneo: She's doing the pointless action scene for the chapter so the audience doesn't fall asleep before the product placements! Dan: It's the world's worst hitman. > Cindy continues to have a smile on her face. She then jumps up and > while Eva looks up to see what's she doing something snatches the gun > from her hand, hurting it too. All: Huh? Tango: She hurt the gun AND her hand? Dan: Did she just stand there and let Cindy attack her or something? Tsuneo: And how did she get in the command center anyway? Rebecca: She used the service entrance. > Prof. Otagi: Ow! Tsuneo: Looks like another subtitle job to me. > Eva then finds herself on the floor after being hit in the head. Tango: Actually no, she just tried to think about what happened. Rebecca: Cindy's into rough loving. > She falls unconscious. Dan: Can I join her? > (outside locker rooms at NERV) Rebecca: Kensuke's charging admission. > Isamu has been sitting on the bench waiting for Eva for almost half an > hour now. > He looks at his watch before seeing Misato walk up to him. Dan: [Isamu] What are you doing here? Rebecca: [Misato] Looking for you. Dan: [Isamu] Well you've found me. [Pause] Dan: [Isamu] Now what? Rebecca: [Misato] I've forgotten. > Isamu: Misato! Where's Prof. Otagi? Rebecca: [Misato] I haven't seen her. Really! Dan: [Isamu] So why are you carrying a shovel and covered in dirt? Rebecca: [Misato] shut up! > Misato sighs. > Misato: She's gone missing. Tango: Lost: Free range plot contrivance. Looks like Yui Ikari. If found, keep. > She wasn't here this morning to greet some > visitors we have. She's no where to be found. Tsuneo: Eva and the Good Life plotline were both confiscated by the government after disturbing reports revealed that they were thoroughly uninteresting, causing worldwide plagues of comatose Evangelion fans. > Isamu: Well..what do you think happened to her. Rebecca: She was taken by the same people who took your question mark. > Misato: I have no idea Isamu. You should go home now. Tell the others > about Eva being missing and make sure you guys keep an eye out for her. Tango: Yeah, like they are going to find her lying in a dumpster outside the downtown David Jones or something. Dan: Isn't that how the voice found you? > Isamu: Alright then. > Isamu turns and heads home. Tsuneo: [Isamu] It's not important to me. I don't care. > (Misato's apartment) Rebecca: Hey, are those UN weapon inspectors? > Isamu: Hello! Anyone home? > Asuka walks out of the bathroom drying her hair. Dan: I wish I had a camera handy. > Asuka: Hey back already? > Isamu: Uh huh. Got some bad news though. > Asuka: What? > Isamu: Prof. Otagi has gone missing. Rebecca: [Asuka] So what's the bad news? > Asuka: What!? How??? Tango: Well a plot contrivance opened up in her office floor and she fell in. She'll no doubt wake up in World Square in 2 or so chapters. > Isamu: Well, I don't know much. Tsuneo: No you don't, do you? > Misato just told me. She told us to keep an eye out for her. Dan: Yeah, she's just going to wander past. > Asuka: Oh..wow. I hope she's ok. Rebecca: [Asuka, deadpan] I'm so upset that something horrible could have happened to her. So what's on RAW? > (phone rings) > Isamu picks up phone: Hello?...uh huh, hold a sec. Tango: [Isamu] Asuka, do we wnat to save on our long-distance calls? > Asuka turn on the TV to channel 7. Rebecca: Wonderful. We've got the nth season of Home and Away, a supposedly funny new comedy from the USA that'll only last one season and Duckman being shuffled around again. > Asuka grabs the remote and does what Isamu says. > TV: Evening folks! This is Tracy Shintos reporting for channel 7, > earlier today we learned that Professor Eva Otagi has gone missing. She > was working at her job for NERV when her sudden disappearance occurred. > More to come about this issue later on in the day. > Asuka turns off the TV. Tsuneo: I'm stunned. Honestly, I am. I'd go on about security and leaking information, but... I can't think for now. Ask me later. Dan: Maybe we are an omnipotent government conspiracy, but we'll just let any old nosy reporter wander through. Tsuneo: Thank you. > Asuka: How...did they found out about this? Rebecca: [Isamu] You mean I shouldn't have announced it across the city with a megaphone? > Isamu hangs up the phone. > Isamu: That was Misato, she wants to know the same thing. I guess > someone told the press. > Asuka: But who? Tango: Well, Aoba told a friend, who knows this guy who told The Man, who talked to someone and... > Isamu shrugs. > Isamu: There is some strange stuff going on here Asuka. Dan: Very observant. You get a cookie. Tsuneo: You know, something to do with the Vault of Heaven. > I'm getting confused. Tango: Cripes! It only took us 3 paragraphs before we were confused, it took him 6 chapters! > Asuka: Yeah well me too. > The two remained silent for a moment. Dan: Mallrats they ain't. > Isamu: Where's Shinji? > Asuka: He's out with Rei. Tango: [Isamu] So where's Rei? Rebecca: [Asuka] Out with Shinji. Tango: [Isamu] Oh. Where's Shinji? > Isamu: You wanna go out to get something to eat? Dan: [Isamu] Weren't we discussing Eva here? > Asuka: Sure, I need some air. > Asuka grabs Isamu's hand and they head out the door together. > (NERV) Tango: Alias Kaji's crash pad. > Misato: I'm really sorry again for not having someone there to greet > you. The person was, occupied at the time. Tsuneo: So even though everyone in the country already knows she's missing, you're not allowed to tell her? > Theresa: It's alright Commander Katsuragi. I understand you people are > busy a lot. Dan: [Misato] No-one I know. > Misato: Well, I'll be glad to show you around. > Theresa: Great! > Misato had to take over Eva's job of showing the two guest around. Rebecca: Guests? I thought they were going to work there? Dan: Does anyone work there? Tsuneo: And why did Eva have to show them, around anyway? She's a scientist, not a tour guide. > She > noticed that when Commander Khuu stepped off the plane she was getting > catcalls from the pilots. Rebecca: This fic is just one friggin long beauty contest to make Asuka and Misato jealous! > She had long black hair and she wore a suit similar to Misato's,, Dan: If Misato's garb can be described as a "suit." > which shocked Misato. Anne on the other hand was > very quiet. She hadn't spoken much except for hello. Tango: The budget's stretched so thin they're paying the voice actors by the line. > Misato: So Anne, are you ready to pilot you Eva? Rebecca: Would it matter if she wasn't? > Anne: ...yes ma'am. Tango: Anne and Rei would get along wonderfully. Rebecca: [Rei] ... Dan: [Anne] ... Rebecca: [Rei] ... Dan: [Anne] ... Tsuneo: Stop that! Now you're stealing dialogue from EVA R. > Misato: Um..that's good. > Theresa whispering: She's really shy at first, but don't worry after > you get to know her she'll talk more. Tango: She works herself up to three word sentences. > Misato whispering back: I hope so. > Anne was rather small for her age. Extremely skinny and her medium > length black hair covered her face when she leaned her head forward. Tsuneo: That's a vital piece of information, and I'm sure I won't be able to live without it. Tango: Anyone got a screwdriver? I want to bend it around my neck. > Misato figured she'd be a lot cuter if she weren't so shy, she'd get > lots of guys! Tsuneo: Of course she's extremely attractive, it's not like any new character in this fic is allowed not to be beautiful. Dan: Including Isamu, probably. Rebecca: After you with that screwdriver. > Then again...she didn't want to turn her into an Asuka or > anything like that. Tango: This world ain't big enough for two, come to think of it it's not even big enough for one. > Anne: ..um, when will I meet the other pilots? Dan: Do you really want to? > Misato: Oh? Soon enough. I'll take you guys out for some steak! Rebecca: I don't recall seeing Misato buy anyone steak. Come to think of it I didn't see Anne trying to catch a freefall Angel either. > Then we can get to know each other better. > Theresa: Steak! Woohoo! I'm there! Tsuneo: Remember, this person is in a position of authority. Dan: Great. Nerv hired Lina. Again. > Misato: Great! > They arrived at the room for the Eva's when Misato was being shouted at > with a lot of problems. > Worker 1: Tsuneo: Now there's a role to remember. Dan: Are you kidding? He made this fic. > Commander Katsuragi! The Eva units! We can't get them up and working! > Misato: WHAT!?! > Worker 2: Rebecca: I hear Robert DeNiro was paid a fortune for a cameo as Worker 2. > We don't know what's going on. Tango: Well you seem to have forgotten to PLUG IN A FRICKIN PILOT! > There seems to be some kind > of...code that's not allowing access to the Evas. Tsuneo: They've forgotten the DNS settings to the MAGI. Every crew's worst nightmare. > Misato: MAYA! Are you trying to crack it? > Maya: Yes ma'am! I've been trying to for hours now! Dan: [Misato] So why hasn't anyone told me before now? [Long pause] Tango: [Maya] Um... We forgot? > Misato: Where's Prof. Akagi?! Rebecca: [Maya] We saw her go into Gendo's office... A while ago. Lucky bastard. > Maya: She's in the lower decks trying to see what's wrong. > Misato: Damn! What the hell is going on.... Tsuneo: Didn't they just tell you? > Theresa: um...have we come at a bad time, heh... > Misato: Well, we seem to have a problem. Mind helping? > Theresa: Yes ma'am! Tango: Do you actually know anything about this? Rebecca: [Theresa] No, ma'am! > Misato nods and walks over the speaker microphone. > Misato on speaker: Dan: [Misato, loud] Hello? Hello? Does this thing work? Whoops, it was already on. Silly me. > LISTEN UP EVERYONE! This here is Commander Theresa > Khuu, she's gonna be helping out so you gotta listen to her! Got it?! > Everyone: YES MA'AM! Dan: [Theresa] Im going to stand here and give some arbitrary orders. You, press that button and run off to the left of screen. You over there, say "Soda Water Rhubarb" to him and walk over there. Do that nine times. You, wander around carrying stuff. > Theresa: Well...then...someone brief me on the problems! > Theresa starts walking all over the place getting information and the > whole area is filled with people trying to figure out the problem. Tango: Let's see now, we've tried asking it, telling it, screaming at it, crying to it, and spitting on it. No luck so far. Rebecca: Have you tried switching it on? > Misato on phone: Hey! I need help down here! Rebecca: This is EVA. Everyone needs help. > We don't know where Prof. > Otagi is! Isn't it your job to find her?? She better be ok! Dan: [Misato] You haven't found her? Well I want 3d colour graphs every hour to demonstrate why you haven't been progressing fast enough! > (hangs up) > Misato walks out of NERV only to be suddenly crowded by reporters. Tango: What do you know, they were all hiding behind the one tree. > Flashes go off and so do the questions. > Reporters: What happened commander? The Eva's aren't working anymore? > Are they defective? What will happen when an angel attacks? Dan: [Reporter] Who keyed us off to that? Rebecca: [Reporter] Any progress on finding Nerv's security leak? Tango: [Reporter] Where did the last few episodes of Evangelion go? Tsuneo: [Reporter] Any news on where this alleged plot might be hiding? > Commander! > Misato turns and runs back. Dan: [Misato] AACK! Reporters! > Misato: Security! There are reporters outside, block them off. Make > sure none of them get inside! > Guard: Yes commander. Tango: [Guard] We'll deploy Chinese army crowd control! > Misato rubs her head and walks towards her office. > Misato: Geez...what next... > Reporter: Commander! Can you tell me what happened! All: GAH! Rebecca: These people are everywhere! Call an exterminator! > Misato: What the? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!?!?! > Reporter: Tracy Shintos, channel 7! Can you tell me what's happening Tsuneo: Nothing. > with the Eva's??? > Misato: Guard!! Get her out of here! > Tracy: Please commander just a statement! Anything! > Misato: You want something??? Dan: [Reporter] Well, yeah- Rebecca: [Misato] It doesn't matter what you want! > Tracy: Anything! > Just then Misato gives her a punch to the face. [They all applaud] > Misato: Get her out of here! > Tracy: ow... > The guards drag Tracy out, as she is still dazed from the punch. Tsuneo: So what's her support crew doing in the meantime? Dan: Taking a coffee break. > Misato walks into her office and sits down. > (takes in breath) > Misato: This..is too much for me. > (phone rings) Tango: [Misato] If that's another reporter, I'm authorizing the use of N2 bombs. > Misato: Hello? Yes sir...yes, the Eva's are still not operating. We're > not sure sir. Rebecca: Is it switched on at the powerpoint? Tango: [Misato] The manual says plug the red wire into the red hole, so we plugged it into the green hole and it just won't work. > Uh huh...I'll get the rest of pilots down here then sir. > Misato hangs up and then calls Isamu and the others to get them down > here and tell them the bad news. Dan: That we won't have the pleasure of seeing Isamu killed off and contrived back to life? Whoopee. > To be continued... > Ah ha! Ok...did that suck? [They all sit there with dark looks on their faces] > Sorry if you didn't like it, I'm just kinda > trying something new, adding lots of new characters. But not all of > them will be permanent. Rebecca: So what, this is a random character trial chapter? How about some story? > I hope you enjoyed this chapter, Tsuneo: Could anyone? > and I am > hoping I can finish another before school starts. More characters will > also be added in the next chapter! So..bye now! Dan: More? Why? Tango: Does she need a reason? Rebecca: Why ask why? > Eva ^_^ Tsuneo: There is it again, Evangelion's greatest paradox. [The TV switches off.] Dan: That was pretty pointless. Tango: No kidding. All those new characters. The damn things are popping up all over the place. They're everywhere. They're coming out of the walls! They're coming out of the- [Rebecca grabs a laptop and clouts Tango with it.] Tango: I feel much better now. Dan: That was my laptop. Tsuneo: It probably isn't any more. Voice: Sorry to interrupt this tender scene, but can I have your reviews? Tango: Well the whole thing really did seem somewhat silly. It was as though the author wasn't even planning 5 minutes ahead, let alone for a 6 or more chapter long series. I'm just glad it's over....for now. Rebecca: I really don't get what's with all the new characters. If the authour isn't sure about them, why did she put them in the finished fic? Why not wait until a later chapter when the authour has thought them through to introduce them to the story rather than having them sitting around and doing nothing in this one? If she'd thought about it, they'd probably have some depth to them. Tsuneo: This fic is one of the worst when it comes to overshadowing the regular EVA cast. Apart from Misato, the regular characters got three lines each, tops. They get walked all over, ignored and replaced with one-dimensional smiling morons. Above all else, the concept of EVA is essentially ignored, reducing it to little more than bland soap opera. Dan: I was really waiting for something interesting to happen. Problem was, it didn't. The chapter was just rambling character introductions, with no opportunity for character or plot development. Dan: Well that whole experience totally sucked ass. Rebecca: Give me UT any day. Tsuneo: I'll agree with that. The pain's not real that way. Tango: Say... How about we go copoerative against a level full of bots of Isamu, Eva, Anne and Rachel? Rebecca: Sounds tempting. Tsuneo: But wouldn't we need skins for them? Tango: Actually, I've been working on those for some time now. Dan: So what, you've been making skins for them just so you can blow them away? Tango: Sure thin, Mr. Flowerpot. Tsuneo: I should be surprised, but I'm not. Rebecca: I don't care. I've got a few hundred rounds with Isamu's name on them. [The screen goes blank] Rebecca: Yes! Right between the ba- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) and Twin Cannon (ausmax@ihug.com.au) Tango is copyright 1997-2000 "TS" Eliot (Twin Cannon) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-2000 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2000 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. The Evacorp Network: evacorp.cyril.com One of the largest Eva sites in the world, contains a thousand and one reasons why stories like this are utterly impossible evafiction.animecenter.com More EVA fanfics than you can poke a stick at. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Cindy continues to have a smile on her face. She then jumps up and > while Eva looks up to see what's she doing something snatches the gun > from her hand, hurting it too.