MSTing no. 8 - a co-MSTing with the honourable Shinji of one of the worst crossover concepts ever - Neon Genesis Evangelion/Ranma 1/2 It's been quite some time since I've done a MSTing! It's really great to have Jinas & Rick's help on this particular project.--Tim McLees Heart's Battleground is copyright Adrian Wong (7ahw@qlink.queensu.ca), if he's brave enough to make a claim on it. Evangelion is copyright Gainax. Ranma 1/2 is copyright Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan, Inc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.] [Sachiel the 3rd Angel, Israfel the 7th angel and Zeruel the 14th angel poke their heads up from behind the forwards-facing couch. The glance around, but duck back behind the couch as the door opens. Dan and Rebecca enter.] Rebecca: Don't you EVER try a stunt like that again! Dan: Geez, sorry. How was I meant to know he was the guy who plays Nuriko? All I said was that he must really pull the girls, and he went of to have a cry. Rebecca: Think once in a while, okay? Uh-oh. Dan: What? Rebecca: Mr Great Big Head In The Sky? Voice: Yes? Rebecca: Where's wonder boy? Usually he's checking the e-mail by now. Voice: Well... He and Rick won't be making it today. Dan: Oh, dear. That bad, huh? Voice: Weeeell... Rick's chained himself to the Pakistani embassy, protesting for better fanfic authours. Dan: Again? Rebecca: Let's hope they don't get out the bolt cutters and truncheons this time. Voice: Tsuneo somehow found out about today's fanfic. Rebecca: [Menacing] Do tell. Voice: [Gulp] Ah... well, when he heard it was another EVA crossover, he boarded up his apartment. When he found out that the other part of it was Ranma 1/2, he bolted. He was last seen boarding a flight to Mongolia. Dan: Just great. I've never done it without him, you know? Rebecca: Me neither. What happens now? Voice: I'm trying to dredge up some replacements. [Rebecca and Dan both sigh and look at each other.] Rebecca: Might as well check the fan mail. [She goes to the computer and fiddles with it for a few seconds.] Aha! Here's one from Keith Palmer (krjpalme@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca). > I recently spotted your MSTing of "Atonement" in the Vault of Anime > MSTings. Being an old Robotech fan myself, I had to check it out, and I > liked it. The original story was so ludicrous as to be funny all by > itself, especially in the unintentionally hilarious fight between Rick and > Max, but your comments certainly added to the lunacy. Rebecca: Some things are just too bad to be funny. Thanks muchly, anyway. > The only comment that I would make was that I noticed how Rick (the > commentator, that is) kept getting worked up over technical errors. I also > noticed this in your MSTing of the Tenchi/Evangelion crossover > "Surreptitious Encounters", and it bothers me slightly. I suppose I get > the impression that the author of the MSTing himself is getting upset. > This is just a personal preference, though. I'm enjoying your work. Voice: Well... I have to admit I wasn't to fond of the whole idea myself. Dan: I second that. Rebecca: I'm glad I missed that one. Thanks, Keith! [Suddenly, an energy "rip" appears in mid air in the center of the room. Dan and Rebecca dive for cover behind the couches. The rip folds open and un- ceremoniously drops two individuals, a man & a woman, to the floor. They are both wearing tribal tunics & leggings. The woman's petite build and ears show that she is elven, and she has blonde hair and tan skin. The man appears human, and has waist lengthed black hair. His skin tone is a bit darker than the woman's. Dan and Rebecca peek over the couches] Voice: Perfect timing... Man (getting up):I think I overshot Imbagna... Woman (also getting up):By the Silver One, where are we? Rebecca (Now edging around the couch, nervously): Ummm...greetings travelers... welcome to Earth. Woman: "Urth"? Mohan, I think you should let *me* handle travelling for a while You've been having difficulties focusing. Mohan:I'm sorry, Sandara, our recent battles have been most stressfull... [Dan approaches Sandara nervously. He suddenly smiles blissfully and clasps Sandara's hands. Sandara is confused, while Mohan glares in disgust] Dan: WOW! An actual fantasy elven girl! Cool! [Mohan suddenly hulks out into a humanoid tiger form and growls at Dan] GYAH! [Dan quickly backs off] Sandara (sighs):Please, my love, you're being rude. [Mohan shrinks back to human form] It appears we'll be stranded here for a while, so we may as well introduce ourselves. I am Sandara Kotuki, an elven princess from my home dimension. This is my lifemate, Mohan. Dan: Nuts. Mohan: I am an a'la'ti in my homeland, a--what's your word for it?--a psionicist. Sandara was travelling with me back to my home. I tried to teleport us there-- Sandara: *Unfortunately* his powers are at times uncontrolable. Rebecca: Hence the reason you got stuck here. Well, I guess you can stay here... Mohan (looking at Rebecca, gently): We would not be imposing? Rebecca: Nah... not at all. We can use some company apart from Wonder Boy and Captain Ego. [Sandara looks over and growls. She begins to grow and become furry like Mohan. Mohan snaps out of it, and Sandara abruptly reverts to her elven form] Sandara [coughs, then coldly says]: Pardon me. Dan: Fantasy characters *and* they're furries. Weird. Mohan: Well, Sandara, it will take some time before we can attempt to travel again. What should we do? [Almost on cue, the TV turns on] Rebecca: Wait, we've got another project to watch. Sandara: "Project"? Dan: You'll see... [They file over to the couches. Mohan and Sandara sit on the couch nearest to the TV while Dan and Rebecca sit on the one facing it. Rebecca is nearest to Mohan on the couch edges. Dan yawns and puts his feet on the coffee table.] [The TV Screen lights up] > Adrian Wong <7ahw@qlink.queensu.ca> Dan: I feel that that name is going to stick in our heads. Mohan: So what do we do here, anyway? Rebecca: Well, we're meant to just watch it and give reviews at the end, but it's a lot more fun to heckle it as we go on. > I'm not subbed to the list, please email C&C Dan: To big a game to e-mail. Rebecca: [Whacks him on the back of the head] Thicky. Sandara (confused): Hmmm? > to <7ahw@qlink.queensu.ca>. > ######################################################################## Mohan: [Looks out window] Funny, I didn't think it was winter. Dan: Good start. > T h e H e a r t ' s B a t t l e g r o u n d Sandara: A place where a couple of bloody organs duking it out. Mohan: My gold's on the pancreas, myself. > A Ranma 1/2 and Neon Genesis Evangelion crossover by Adrian Wong Rebecca: [Pained] I will be strong. Dan: Ahh... Gratuitous nudity all round. Mohan: Is he always like this? Rebecca: Sometimes he's worse. > Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi while Evangelion belongs to Gainax > Productions. Sandara: So give them back, and beg forgiveness! > " " Japanese dialogue Mohan: Stupid question, but shouldn't it all be in Japanese? Rebecca: Not with Shampoo around. Dan: Mmm... Shampoo... > < > thoughts Sandara: Depressingly scant around here. Rebecca: Nice shot. > [ ] Chinese dialogue Dan: Cool! Others: [Groan] > / / Illusory sounds, memories Sandara: Hopefully this whole fanfic will just be an illusion. Mohan: Colors, shapes, yellow moons, green clovers...[Sandara lightly baps Mohan on the head] Sandara:Knock it off, silly. > ***Kevin "Lord Talon" Wible*** Dan: [General] Put a pair of underpants over your head, stick a pencil up each nostril, and go 'Wibble!' > and ***Andrew Huang*** Mohan: Sword of Dawn would probably be handy here. > are the honorable pre-readers for this fic! Rebecca: [Authour] The first ones to suffer! HAHAHA! > ######################################################################## Sandara: With how much this place must cost, you'd think we could get better reception than this. > Part 1 > Year 2017, Japan. Dan: Oh, dear. Crossover type three. Mohan: Huh? Dan: Re-writing the story. Type one is some kind of dimensional trouble, type two is having both concurrent anyway. Mohan: So which one's the worst? Rebecca: They're crossovers. There is no worst. > Inside a dimly lit conference room, Mohan: Bang! Thud! Ow, tripped. > Soun Tendo, the Commander of NERV, [Stunned Silence] Mohan:Ooookay, the man who can barely maintain his house without Kasumi's help is in charge of NERV... Dan: With a man like that, in a job like that, the Earth is doomed. Sandara: [Kasumi] Oh my, daddy's having a nervous breakdown again. > was looking out the glass window with a somewhat complex > expression on his face. Sandara: Makeup by M.C. Escher. > He was a man in his forties, with shoulder > length long hair and a Mustache that hides much of his upper lip. > has chosen too . . .> Dan: April first? Rebecca: Christmas? Sandara:Memorial Day weekend? Mohan:Thanksgiving? Think of the food bill... > Right now, the only available Eva pilot, the first child was > still recovering from that injury that he Dan: I forsee hurt and pain. Rebecca: At least it means no Ayanami. > got when his synchronization > test with Eva 00 failed. But no matter, another pilot has been > summoned. Sandara: When summoning EVA Pilot, put an Angst token on him... Mohan: Tap target Fangirl. Sandara (looks coyly at Mohan): Maybe later, my feral prince. Rebecca (groans): "Feral prince"? *Brother*... > Even though Soun had tried to delay having to ever face her > again, the fact that NERV needs her remains. He can only hope that he > would be able to get her to go along with this in this little time that > he had left. All: Akane. Sandara: [Akane] Who's EVA are you calling UNCUTE? Dan: Even worse, it could be Kuno. Mohan [Kuno]:I am the Blue Thunder of Tokyo-3! I shall smite thee! > Idly, he stared at his own bandaged hand as he wondered how the > daughter that he hadn't seen for twelve years had turned out to be. > > * * * * * > Meanwhile, at the back of Furinkan High's school building . . . Rebecca: In a completely different story... > "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Sandara: He said, "Meanwhile, at the back of Furinkan High's school building!" Dan: Yeah, thanks. > A shorthaired, tomboyish looking girl was glaring at a tall, > arrogant looking blond girl with a huge banquet of white lilies on her > back. Standing behind her was a gang of girls with bats and hockey > sticks in their hands. They looked suspiciously like her sidekicks. Sandara: Either that, or this is B-ko with a dye job. > Tilting her chin upward, she stared down at the shorter girl. > > "I said, that starting from this day on, Furinkan High's girl > gang will no longer be under you. After all, with my immense wealth and > famous background, it is only fair that I, Asuka of the White Lilies, > rule over this territory instead of some nameless nobody." Mohan: Asuka of the WHAT? Sandara: Sounds like someone's been taking too many Kuno pills again. Rebecca: If she says 'in the name of so-and-so, I'll punish you,' I'm getting out my gun. Dan: Now there's a thought... Asuka in a- [Rebecca whacks him with a cushion.] Sandara: Hey! That looks fun! > "I'm NOT the leader of the school's girl population, newcomer. > But I will Tell you this: no one calls Akane Tendo a nobody. Dan: No, it's either "Uncute," "Tomboy," or in some deranged cases, "Goddess." > Apologize right now!" Sandara: [Otto] Alright, I'm sorry I ate your fish! > The girl snorted, looking faintly amused as she plucked a white > lily out from her back and held it to her nose, inhaling its sweet > scent. Mohan: What a drama queen. Rebecca: And cue evil bitch laugh-- > "Me? The heir to the greatest florist chain this side of Japan, > apologize to a lower class NOBODY like you? I don't think so-" Dan: "What's wrong, McFly, CHICKEN?" > Before she could have finished the sentence, Mohan: Although she already had. > the "nobody" rushed > forward and socked her one on the jaw, sending the taller girl flying > back. Her Sidekicks, all thirty of them, immediately rushed her with > their weapons raised. Rebecca: [Bored] Cue pointless and ridiculous fight scene. Dan: Hey! Akane kicks butt! > Ducking, blocking, leaping over and breaking them > all in a combinations of defensive and offensive kempo moves, Akane > proceeded to land some rather solid blows on those unfortunate enough to > be close to the enraged girl. Mohan: Wow, this is rather Power Ranger-esque. > Within a minute, half of them were > twitching painfully on the ground as the other half were scrambling away > for dear life. Akane stomped over to the blond girl and dragged her up > by the front of her shirt as she glared into her frightened eyes. Rebecca: Cool! Someone kicked the snot out of Danger Girl! Sandara (Danger Girl): "!" Rebecca (laughing):Say, you captured her dialoge brilliantly. Sandara: Eh. It's a gift. > "Listen, you white lily b___! Mohan: Language! Sandara: Dialogue edited by Cid Highwind. > I don't care how rich and > powerful you think you are, or how lowly and inferior I am compared to > you. Dan: As if she talks like this. > If you ever, ever call me a NOBODY again, you'll get much worse > than a simple beating. GET IT?" Dan: She'll force you to eat her cooking! Sandara: No, sorry, that's banned by the Geneva convention. > The girl whimpered incoherently, and Akane roughly threw her > onto the ground. She scrambled up and ran away as fast as her dainty > little legs could carry her. Dan: [Dreamy] That doesn't quite describe Asuka's legs... Rebecca: Naughty boy! > Dusting off her hands, Akane hmphed > contemptuously. It was then that the sound of clapping caught her > attention. Sandara: [Mystic] What is the sound of clapping for attention? > "You're really good!" Mohan: Thank you, thank you. Sandara: Not you! > A long-haired, scantly clad, voluptuous > looking woman clapped as she leaned seductively over her car. Rebecca: Can anyone say: Lemon setup? Sandara: Gee. I wonder if the authour likes a certain character? > She was > staring at Akane with an amazed expression on her beautiful face. "Now > if only we can train you to do the same thing in Unit 01 . . ." Dan: She's gonna pilot... I gotta headache. Rebecca: Geez, and it's only the second scene. > "Excuse me, but who are you?" Akane asked. Rebecca: [Sean Connery] Bond. James Bond. > "Oh, me? Sandara: I'm your worst nightmare, sweetheart. > I'm Hinako Ninomiya! I'm here to pick you up to your > father so that you guys can 'catch up' a bit," she said cheerily. [Dan's jaw drops open] Rebecca: Sad. Truly sad. > Akane stiffened. Mohan (British): And suddenly, Akane had a heart attack, and then died. [All gasp suddenly, then fall over on their seats. They sit back up] > "You know my father?" Sandara: Yeah, He's Darth Vader! Others: [Groan] > "Of course, Akane-chan! I work for him." Rebecca: [Soun] Care to help me with some 'after hours' paperwork? Mohan: No, save that for the dojinshi... > "I see . . . and just what makes you think that there is even a > NEED for me to catch up with a total stranger who has neglected me for > 12 years?!" Sandara: Because it's vital to this crossover plot, THAT'S why. Dan: I thought he cared about his kids? Rebecca: This is a fanfic. Characters don't have to act like they really do. Mohan: Plus he's possessed by the personality of Gendo Ikari right now. > Akane growled as Hinako backed away a bit. Sandara (Akane, growling):Too much...Surge...soda... Mohan: Time to cut back on the caffine, dear. > "Now, Akane-chan, your Daddy misses his little girl . . ." Sandara: He needs to hire a good gunman, then. Rebecca: Not with you around, he don't! > "Well then . . .TELL DADDY THAT HIS LITTLE GIRL CAN DO VERY WELL > ON HER OWN WITHOUT HIM-" Dan: Yup. That's totally mucked up all character relationships from day one. [Sniff] I think I'm gonna cry. Rebecca: [Bored] I think I'm going to be sick. > Just then, a distant but loud explosion was heard, cutting her > off. "What that-hey!" Rebecca: What? Dan: Which? Sandara: When? Mohan: Who? > Hinako had caught her by her hand, and before she knew it, Akane > was in the car with her. Rebecca: Told you! Told you! Lemon setup! Lemon setup. Dan: Stop that! Sandara: I just hope it's not the BACK seat! Dan: Hey! Mohan: [Akane] Can we stop for an ice cream? > Before Akane could jump out of it, it was > already traveling at 70 km/h and still speeding up. Dan: [Impressed] Nice... [Rebecca glares at him] acceleration. > "What do think you're doing!?" Rebecca: [Hinako] Participating in a bad Lemon scene, what do you think? > "Look to your left, and you shall find out." > > Akane did as was told, and gasped as she saw a humanoid giant > crushing Buildings like Legos All: Legos? Rebecca: No-one says 'Legos.' They say 'like they were made out of Lego,' or... Mohan: Hold it with the rant already. Sandara (monotone, German): I like Legos. They are like a million toys in one. > in the distance. Her view was obscured Sandara: Well it _is_ Hinako after all. Rebecca: And they _are_ in the back seat together. Dan: Oh Rebecca... I've still got the duct tape... > as a strong wind [All make farting noises] Mohan: Sorry. > tossed Hinako's thigh length hair all over her face. Dan: Ever noticed the authour seems to like one certain character? Others: Naw. > "What is that thing?! Sandara: [Hinako] Get used to it, it's called a crappy fanfic. Dan: [Wipes tear from eye] I miss him already. > And just where the HELL do you think you're going?!" Dan: We're going to Disneyland! Sandara: [Singing] Downtown, that's where the music is... > Akane screeched as she blushed Hinako's hair out of her face. Dan: [Mulder] What is this hair obsession anyway? > "This is NOT the direction of the emergency shelter!" > "Chill out, Akane-chan." Mohan: She taking her to a freezer room? > Hinako said as she sped up to 150 km/h. Sandara: Yeah, I'd feel real calm about now. > "We're heading for a much saver place: the NERV headquarters." Mohan: That's safe huh? Dan: Given that it's the target of all the Angel attacks? Rebecca: And that it's been broken into by Angels three times? [Behind the couch, Zeruel swells with pride.] > "The place that Daddy works at?!" Sandara: Daddy? And she's saying she's mature? > "Right. He'll explain everything to you there." Dan: [Akane] I only need to know two things: Where's the authour, and where's my shotgun. > The car went into an underground tunnel. Rebecca: Damn! And I wanted them to get caught in the N2 mine. > "Damn, Daddy won't call me there just to see me . . . I bet he > probably wants something or another from me." Rebecca: He wants a script that's not just EVA episode one with the names changed. > Hinako sweated as Akane's words hit home. All: Ow! Oof! Ouch! Sandara: That's a painful spot. > Akane sighed as she realized that she was right. > > A handbook was suddenly being put into her hand; Rebecca: I hope its a grammar primer. > it said NERV on the cover. > "Ah, you might want to read this." Hinako said uncomfortably. Mohan: A lemon dojinshi? Why!?! Sandara: What's this dojinshi kick of yours? Mohan: Trust me, there are stranger and more gruesome things than you've *ever* seen adventuring. > Suddenly, the platform rushed out of the tunnel they were in and > started moving through a vast underground caven. Akane gasped. > > "A Geo-Front?" Sandara: No, it's a chicken. > she exclaimed, looking out the window with wide eyes. Dan: That's not Akane, it's Shinji with a sex change operation. Rebecca: [Bored] How can you tell the difference? Mohan: Ouch... > "That's right, Akane-chan. Rebecca: A wonderful thing to call her given that they've only just met. > THIS is Tokyo-3." Sandara:Visit scenic Tokyo-3! Ride the Ducks! > Akane continued to stare at everything in awe. High overhead > hung the buildings of Tokyo-3, like some eerie mirroring of the city > above. Orange light filled the cavern and reflected off the water far > below. Sandara (singing): If I can make it here, I can make it *anywhere!* > A few minutes later, the platform stopped and they exited the > vehicle. Hinako led Akane through several hallways to an elevator. > Akane skimmed through the NERV document, but she only understood about > half of it. Mohan: Time to start paying attention in school. > They entered the elevator, which used an odd mechanical device > that clicked to mark passage from one floor to the next. Dan:And that's so bizarre because?... > The elevator > stopped, and a woman wearing a stylish, black Chinese skirt with a lab > coat draped over her shoulders got on. Akane looked curiously at her > flame-toned red hair, which was styled into a simple but stylish beehive > that showed off her beautiful profile. > Akane > thought. Sandara: So of course there'll be no comment when they meet Shampoo. > "Nodoka, Akane-chan is here." Hinako said. Dan: Nodoka's playing Ritsuko? A job that requires the morals of roadkill? She'd have had them all commit seppuku by now. > Nodoka simply nodded. "And not a moment too soon. Commander > Tendo is waiting for you both." She extended a hand to Akane. "Nodoka > Akagi, Mohan: Now we're mashing the names together. Dan: Ritsuko's not going to like it when she finds out about this! Sandara: [Ritsuko] Someone's been messing with MY eva? That's it! N2 them into oblivion! > NERV Technical Expert." > "Nice to meet you . . . umm, is Daddy that high ranking?" Akane > wondered aloud, then noticed the look that Nodoka is giving her. > "Forget what I said." Sandara: [Akane] God, I'm so stupid. > Leaving the elevator, the group entered a dark cavernous room, > and the doors snapped shut behind them. All: [Kids] Behind you! > "Hey!" Akane yelled, a bit > startled. The lights snapped on again, and Akane found herself face to > face with a giant beast. Mohan:Rather harsh thing to call Soun Tendo. Dan: Oh my god! It's the authour, self-inserted as EVA-01! > "AHHHHHHH!" Akane shrieked and leapt backwards, almost falling > off the catwalk they stood on. "Wha-what is that ugly thing?!" Rebecca: Oh, god, that's an easy one! Sandara (Akane): Chuthulu-sama! > Seeing > that the thing wasn't moving; she took a few steps closer and examined > it more thoroughly. Mohan (British):Oh my *God!* It's big and ugly and it's got all sorts of long pointy things sticking out of it. What an eye-sore! Sandara (impressed):Now that's obscure! > It was the head and shoulders of a giant robot, submerged from > then on down in a strange orange-pink liquid. It colored a familiar > yellow - the same color that Akane likes on her dresses. Dan: What?!? Sandara: Eeww... Dan: [Sniffs] I really am gonna cry. [Israfel reaches over the back of the couch and hands Dan a tissue. He takes it and wipes his eyes.] Dan: Ta. [Mohan looks behind him to where the Angels are sitting, double takes and collapses to the floor] Mohan (Shocked):GYAH!!! > The giant head > had a large horn sticking out of it, on a line with the rest of the > forehead like the start of a crest. The eyes of the giant were of a > darker yellow and seemed to be staring blankly ahead Sandara: A familiar expression around here. [Mohan returns to his seat uneasily] > in a perpetual scowl. > > "That is the Test Type model of the artificial lifeform > Evangelion," Nodoka said with a hint of pride to her voice. "Unit 01." > > "And it's mankind's last defense against the Angels," Hinako > smirked. Dan: That just screams for a B5 reference, but nothings springing to mind... > "Hmm. So Daddy build this, huh?" Sandara: No, he got his lackeys to do it. THAT's what being commander means! > Akane asked speculatively as > her initial shock wore away. this time for.> Rebecca: And who can blame him. > "Yes, Akane, I did. And you will pilot it," said a man's voice > from a nearby speaker. Hinako and Nodoka turned around and looked up. > Following their gaze, she saw her father looking down at her from a > booth high overhead. Mohan (Soun):I'm huge! Bow down before me! > Akane coolly stared up at her father, then wilts under her > father's impassive gaze. Dan: No, that just ain't Soun. He's got a spine. Sandara: And he isn't blubbing his eyes out. > She turned her head and glanced at the > Evangelion. "Pilot that thing that you gave up all your time to?" She > asked, then snorted. "You Actually THINK I will do that?" Dan: I would! Rebecca: You can't pilot it, you're too old. Dan: I can pilot it. I'm an excellent pilot. > "Yes." Soun answered sternly. "Like it or not, All: We don't. > you are the > third child eligible to pilot an Eva, and you will pilot it. Be > grateful that it happens to be painted in your favorite color." Dan: [James Earl Jones] I'm going to be sick. > "This is ridiculous!" Hinako exclaimed. "She has no chance of > piloting that thing! It took Mousse Mohan: I suppose that's Rei's replacement. Sandara: And here I thought they couldn't get any worse matches. > almost half a year to synchronize > with his Eva, how is she going to do it now? She doesn't even have any > training!" > > "Calm down. She doesn't have to do anything, only sit in it and > follow our instructions," Nodoka returned casually. Mohan: And whine about fate. Dan: And wear a nice tight plugsuit. Sandara: And have a psychotic episode now and then. Rebecca: Nothing to it. > Meanwhile, father and daughter are still locked in a visual > combat. "I'm not your doll, I won't have to listen to you!" Akane spat. Sandara: Don't have to listen, you mean. > Soun raised an eyebrow. "Not even if all of humanity is at > stake?" Sandara: -Due to this fanfic? > Akane was taken back. "I . . ." > Soun smiled coldly. "Fine, you can go then. I hope you can > sleep at night knowing how you have neglected your duty to the human > race." Rebecca: Pour on the guilt trip, why don't ya? > He turns to his assistance. "Bring in Mousse." Dan: [Soun] I need to redo my hair. > As Akane's face burned with anger and shame, a tall, longhaired > young man was pulled in with a gurney. Even with chalk-white complexion > and blue hair, he was excessively handsome. Dan: And that's Mousse, right? Surely you jest. > Akane's heart ached as she > saw the bandages covering him from the legs down, Mohan: The legs _down?_ To where? Sandara: By the Silver One! He burned his area off in the last battle! Rebecca:Sandara! Sandara (clasping her mouth with her hand):I've no idea where *that* came from. > the cast on his right > arm, and the gauze on his head that covered his right eye. Attached to > the gurney was an IV bag that dripped fluid into his left arm. Dan (Mousse):Mmmm...jello. > The boy opened his eyes, and Akane felt herself blush as she > looked into the blood red pupils. Rebecca: [Zombie] Pink... eye... Mohan (Zombie):We're the dialoge writers, and WE NEED BRAINS! > Somewhere in the back of her mind she > felt an attraction to the boy unlike one she had ever felt before, a > strange attachment to him. Dan: Get real, she doesn't like Mousse. Mohan: That, AND he's the only guy around that isn't after her. Sandara: I think we'll stop pointing out what he got wrong and try and find what he got _right._ [Pause.] All: Nah. > The boy blinked his eye once, and for just a > moment she thought she saw some tenderness flickering in it. > Looking away, the boy began to struggle to a sitting position, > his face twisted in pain and effort as he worked himself up. Rebecca: Not here, young man! [Dan whacks her with a cushion] Dan: That's disgusting! > The medical technicians at his side removed the IV from his arm. Sandara: [Mousse] No, wait, I need that... uuhhh... > "Commander," he breathed out in a quiet, emotionless voice. "I > am ready. Dan: Nah. That's _not_ Mousse. > Soun surprises Akane by suddenly having a tender look on his > face as he spoke softly to the boy. > "You'll do fine, Mous-" > Just then an earthquake shook the catwalk, Dan: Um- Rebecca: Don't bother. Dan: No really, that should be one of- Rebecca: It's not worth it. Dan: Otherwise that's the worst timed earthquake in- Rebecca: [Sighs and shakes head] That's a fast way to explode your head. [Pause] Keep going! > and the med. Techs immediately fled the catwalk, Sandara: That's right, just dump your patient. > leaving Mousse to drop down painfully onto > his knees. Akane immediately rushed to his aid. > > "Come back!" Hinako yelled. "The girders are breaking!" Rebecca: Yay! Crush them all! > "Why else do you think I'm helping him up for?!" Akane yelled > back as she scooped the much larger Mousse up into her arms with no > effort at all and leaps away from the mass of metal falling on them. > Just then, however, the Catwalk gave way and snapped, and the two fell. > Hinako covered her eyes in fear. > > A gasp from Nodoka opens her eyes, and she saw that the hands of > Eva 01 had shifted from the suspension liquid to hold the teens in its > palm. Soun looked pleased and nodded his head. > > "Impressive . . ." Nodoka said. "The Eva apparently likes her a > lot." Rebecca: It's the only one. Mohan: Calm down, madam. > "Are you okay?" Akane asked. Mousse simply stared blankly at > her and nodded. She then looked up to her father. > > "You will have him pilot in his state if I didn't pilot it, > won't you?" She hissed. > > "Right." Soun said. Dan: [Frantic] 'Cause he's Rei, and I'm Gendo, and you're Shinji, and there's Ritsuko and Misato and- [Rebecca whacks him repeatedly with a cushion.] Rebecca: Get a hold of yourself! Dan: [Shaken] Ugh... I'm okay... now. I think. > "All right, then! You win! I'll pilot the damn thing!" She > yelled back in frustration. Mousse had a curious look on his face as he > stared at her. > > * * * * * > > All: [Bored] We all do. > Dressed in a ridiculously tight yellow plug suit, Mohan: Say... Dan: [Smirking] This fanfic ain't so bad after all. [Sandara thwaps both Mohan and Dan with a cushion] Sandara:Say! That *is* fun! Rebecca: You're learning, girl. > with a pair of > synchro hairpieces on her head, Akane felt extremely self-conscious at > he new "look". The fact that she had to breathe in an oxygen medium > that Nodoka had called LCL wasn't helping much as Akane was launched out > from the underground base before she was even ready. > > There, she saw the angel staring at her robot with undisguised > malice in what she thought was its eyes. Mohan: I'd like to know how you can read it's expression. > Akane flinched. > > "What do I do now?!" She yelled at communication link. Sandara: Yell over it for a better response. Rebecca: Try switching it on first. > "Just concentrate on walking for now." Nodoka said from the > control booth. "Let your mind flow with the Eva." Dan: "We're bonding, Jim!" Mohan (shudders, and looks at Dan): Mental pictures... Sandara (conforting):Stop it, dear, you'll hurt yourself. > "You can do it, Akane-chan!" Hinako said encouragingly. "Your > synchro-rate is already at 41.5 . . . very good for a first timer!" [All stare at Rebecca. She stares at the roof and starts whistling innocently.] > Akane had no idea what the hell that meant, but it sounded > reassuring none-the-less. "Alright! I'll start by flexing my legs . . . > hey, I did it!" Sandara (Aerobics instructor): And two, three, four...LIFT THOSE LEGS, GIRLS! > Everybody in the control booth sweated as Eva 01 did a warm-up > exercise right in front of the startled angel. Mohan: Ah... haha... Er... Dan: So why's she doing so much better than Shinji? > Soun was the only one who managed to look as stiff as usual. Rebecca: I worry about his sex life. > "Amazing . . . and this is her first try!" Nodoka said. "She > could have been born to pilot a Eva." Sandara: Knee-jerk dumb comment of the month. > Akane, with her confidence boosted, charged the angel. "Now to > get the job done . . . HYA!" Mohan: TOGG!!! > Eva 01, aimed a center-kick at the angel, but it caught the leg > and flung the Eva into a building. Akane gasped as pain rippled through > her body. > > "What-?!" > > "Don't panic!" Hinako yelled, "It isn't real pain, it's just the > reflex of the Eva! Don't let it-" > > CRASH!! Rebecca: Bandicoot! > "Oh my, All except Rebecca: Kasumi. Rebecca: Which one's she? I can never remember. Sandara: Kasumi's the one on dope. Nabiki's the one who sells it to her. Mohan (sighs):Can we leave the Ranma dark fics out of this, *please*. > she got another hit!" Kasumi Ibuki, Nodoka's assistant exclaimed. Dan: [Tense] Except... that she's... Akane's sister... Mohan: Whoah! Chill out! Rebecca: Cool it man, you're beginning to sound like Tsuneo. Dan: Hey... Well, I like Ranma, and... This is just massacring it. > Now straddling the Eva 01, Sandara: Well, Rebecca, you _did_ predict a Lemon scene. Rebecca: I did _not_ need that image. > the angel began hitting it on the > chest as Akane screamed in agony. Suddenly, she was back in the first > grade again, Sandara: [Singing] Let's do the time warp again! Dan: Aw... ain't she cute as a kid? > and was being hazed by some bigger girl and her gang. Sandara: Who's that? Misato of the ninety-nine beer cans? > /Take that, geek girl!/ Dan: Akane. Geek. Uhuh. Mohan: The phrase 'smile and nod' comes to mind for some reason. > /Akane has no parents, Akane has no parents,/ > /Hohohohohohohoho./ > > /He won't come, geek girl!/ > > /She won't come either! Ha!/ > > /You are NOBODY, you hear?/ > > /You are NOBODY cause you have NOBODY!/ > "SHUT-UP!!" Rebecca: I wish it would. > Suddenly, the angel found it's fist being caught, and before it > knew it, it was flat on its back, with the Eva pounding its fists into > its head. > > "NOBODY! NOBODY CALLS ME A NOBODY! TAKE THAT BACK! TAKE THAT > BACK!!!" Mohan: Yup. She's flipped. Dan: Ahh. That's Akane all right. > "Oh, my! The Eva's entered a berserker mode!" Kasumi exclaimed. > > "Amazing, the Eva is now more powerful than ever!" Nodoka said > with an undertone of excitement as Hinako stared at her incredulously. > > "Don't you find this a hint . . . disturbing?" Rebecca: From day one. > Suddenly the Eva was pushed away as the angel set up a strange > energy field around itself. Sandara: [Hysterical] My god! It's an impenatrable field of fanfic writer's logic! [All applaud] > "The Absolute Terror field!" Hinako exclaimed. > > The Eva 01 continued to pry at the AT field but it wouldn't give > way. Enraged, it held its hands together, and a giant mallet suddenly > appeared out of nowhere, between the two of them. [All collapse to the ground. Behind them, Sachiel winces in pain.] > "The Eva is growing its own weapons!?" Nodoka said. [They crawl back onto the couches] Mohan: The hell!?! Dan: [Hysterical] This... this is... the worst... most... [He breaks down crying.] Rebecca: [Disgusted] God, he's pathetic. > "Dear lord . . . during the 1 second that she was whipping that > mallet out, Akane's synchro-rate had risen to 97%!" Kasumi exclaimed. Sandara: Of course Ranma charaters are sooo much better than EVA ones. > "AMAZING . . ." Nodoka breathed. "Sou- . . . Commander Tendo > will be pleased to hear about this." > > The mallet shattered the angel's AT field and began pounding on > the angel's red core. The angel exploded, burning off the armor around > Eva-01's face and left arm. Hinako leaped up in joy. All: Boingy boingy boingy. > "YES! Akane-chan, you did it! Akane? Akane?!" > > "The pilot had passed out." Kasumi reported. Sandara: Don't worry, she's just had a traumatic experience and will be emotionally scarred for life. > "Eject the entry plug and rescue her!" Dan: Aww... and we didn't get to see its head fall off. > * * * * * > > Drifting out of a violent, restless dream, Akane slowly opened > her eyes and sat up. Feeling her chest, she was puzzled by the fact > that it didn't hurt at all. She pulled down the front of her shirt to > take a peek inside . . . All: Whoah! Rebecca: [Akane] God, I'm good. > "You are unharmed." > The calm, detached voice shocked Akane into pulling up her shirt > again as she looked beside her to see the bandaged Mousse staring at her > with his one red eye. Sandara: And you know, because..? Rebecca: He's a worse pervert than Dan is. Dan: That's not fair! > "Oh, Mousse . . . that's your name, isn't it? I thought I would > have died." Rebecca: Pity. > "But you didn't. You suffered a traumatic experience instead." [Sandara looks smug] Mohan: How right can you be? > Mousse replied calmly. Sandara: Yeah, sure, it's just something to pass off. Some of us have real feelings, you know. > Akane sweated as she stared at the boy due to his odd, > emotionless reply. Rebecca: And four viewers stared back in horror at a bland, talentless fanfic. > Mousse stared back at her for a moment, then spoke > up again. "What made you decide to pilot the Eva?" > > "Well . . . I . . . I eh . . . Daddy was trying to make YOU > pilot the thing, and I saw your wounds and how you can't even stand > . . . so I say to myself: why not? No use at getting back at Daddy only > to have you hurt." > > "You piloted the Eva for me?" Rebecca: No, she did it because the authour has wet dreams about Akane in a plugsuit. [Dan starts drooling.] I can't win. > Mousse asked, as he stared > straight into her eyes. Akane blushed as she averted her glance. > > "I . . . I guess you could say that . . ." Sandara: [Akane] It's a simple formation of syllables; you'd be pretty hopeless if you couldn't. > "Thanks." Mousse said, as a pleased but subtle smile spread on > his flawless face, Dan: Anyone here get the feeling that the authour likes Mousse a bit too much. > giving it life. "You're the second person who had > sacrificed for my sake. For that, I feel happy." > > "I . . . I'm glad," Akane said, still red as a beet. "Um . . . > so who's the first?" Dan: [Bored] Commander Tendo who burnt his hands while opening the superheated entry plug which unit one had ejected during its failed activation test in which Mousse recieved the injuries he has today. > Just then Hinako stepped in cheerfully. "You woke up, > Akane-chan! What a marvelous job you did today. Oh, and Mousse, the > Commander called for you.' Dan: [Clamps hand over Rebecca's mouth] No, girl, you are NOT going there! > Mousse nodded and left. Hinako raised an eyebrow as she noticed > Akane staring after the boy. > "Got a crush on him already?" Hinako teased. Mohan: You're joking. He's pale, thin, has hideous hair, no personality, no social skills and a voice that couldn't be heard shouting in a church. Who'd go for that? Rebecca: [Struggling free] Figure modellers the world over. Sandara: What's the matter? Jealous? > Akane shook her head rigorously. "Um-NO! What are you doing > here?!" Rebecca: Here for her daily enlargements. > "Well, starting from today, you're a member of NERV, and as > such, your Father has asked me to take you under my care!" > > Even though Akane didn't like Soun much, she still couldn't help > but ask: "I thought he would at least consider letting me stay with > him . . ." > > Hinako looked apologetic. "Um . . . your father is kind of busy > man, and eh . . . there are other concerns . . . Rebecca: [Hinako] Like making sure you don't find out about him and Nodoka. > But hey, don't worry, I'm a fun housemate! Mohan: Why do I have this sudden feeling of dread and foreboding? > C'mon, I've got all your stuff transferred to my > apartment already, just wait till you see it . . ." > > Akane sighed as she followed the overtly upbeat woman to accept > her new life. Dan: And maybe find the real Hinako Ninomiya. This is the kid version trapped in the adult's body. NotthatI'mcomplaining. {It's a speed thing} > * * * * * > > Inside a private conference room in NERV, Soun and Mousse were > sitting across a table facing each other. Sandara: [Mousse] Go fish. Mohan: Focus. Dan: Strike! Rebecca (sighs): Fan boys, the both of you. > "So, Mousse, how do you feel about Akane?" Rebecca: [Mousse, quickly] Well, she's bratty, obnoxious, selfish, inconsiderate, pigheaded and has an unbelievable temper problem, but since I'm written in as Rei and she's Shinji, I guess I'll have to start fawning all over her. > "She makes me feel important, much like you do, Sir." Mousse > said as he stared at the Commander's bandaged hand. Memories of how > Soun had pulled him out of the heated entry plug flashed across his > mind, warming it. Sandara (bored):Big suprise, who knew? Dan: I'd gloat if it wasn't so easy. > "What else?" > > "She . . . she confuses me, Sir." Mohan: This whole fic confuses me. > Soun looked thoughtful for a moment as if considering something. > He then spoke up again. "You may leave, Mousse. I wish you a quick > recovery." > > "Thank you, sir." > > As Mousse had left, Soun briefly think the situation over, and > decided to wait and see what will happen between his puppet and his > daughter. But even if Akane had managed to give him a soul, he still > had lots of backups to carry out his plan. > > regarding Mousse II?> Dan: Whoah, there. This is meant to be EVA? He's giving away plot points in chapter one? Has this guy ever heard of story developement or anything like that? Rebecca: Obviously not, or he wouldn't be writing with Ranma 1/2. > Just then, a pair of slender, shapely arms draped themselves > around him. Without turning his head, he already knew to whom they > belonged. > > "Nodoka, Rebecca: Told you. Sandara: Don't be proud, it was too easy. > how was the research regarding the mallet phenomenon on Unit 01 going?" > > The shapely arms began sliding off his jacket. > > "I'll tell you . . . right after this." Mohan: [Announcer] Mallet phenomenon and more, right after these messages! > End part 1 > Feb 15, 1998. [The TV switches off] Dan: Well, there you go. It wasn't so bad. [All glare at him incredulously] Rebecca: Wasn't... that... bad... Dan: [Nervous] Cool it! Mohan: What happens now? Rebecca: We do our reviews, or to be more precise, describe why this fanfic is the worst blemish on the face of the english language in all of recorded history. Voice: Actually, best to save them. Mohan: Why's that? Sandara: This had better not mean what I think it does... Voice: [Suddenly nervous] Er... because there's four more parts yet to be reviewed. Rebecca: [Enraged] WHAT??? Dan: Whoah! Hold it, girl! [Dan puts a hand or Rebecca's shoulder. She swings around and punches him, knocking him down.] Rebecca: I feel much better. Dan: [Woozy] I can't win. Sandara: So what do we do now? Voice: Well, we have a couple spare rooms if you need them. Sandara (cheerful):Thanks, Dan! Mohan and I will only need one though. [She cuddles up to Mohan] Rebecca (wryly):Uh-huh. Mohan: Good night everyone. [They file out. The three angels poke their heads up from behind the couch again. Mohan, the last in the room, glances nervously, and they duck back behind it.] [The screen goes black] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Shinji (shinji_70@hotmail.com), Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@ one.net.au) Sandara and Mohan are copyright 1998 Tim McLees (Shinji) Dan is copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html The greatest ever vault of anime MSTings, including the Hall of Gonterman, Shrine to Oscar and Temple of Marissa Picard. Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics, MSTing site and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Soun was the only one who managed to look as stiff as usual. Rebecca: I worry about his sex life.