Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's Number 45. Only five more to go before the big Five-Zero. Already. And to kick off the countdown, we've got a wonderful little piece of excrement by title of... wait for it, "HELLSTORM EVANGLEION II!" That's right! Issei's back! Evangelion is copyright Gainax. "Hellstorm Evangelion II" is copyright Issei Mataloun (like who else could it be?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [Rebecca and Tsuneo enter, chatting.] Tsuneo: So who do you think's worse? Rebecca: On the whole, I'd have to say Lisa Foster. I mean, while DJ is, well, perfect, Lisa has the ability to completely warp the characters to her will. Tsuneo: Like DJ did with Misato? Rebecca: I'll admit that, but Lisa does that to *everyone.* Besides which, DJ didn't completely change Misato's character just so she'd have sex with him. Tsuneo: Although I think you're speaking a little too soon on that one. Rebecca: yeah, yeah. Well, it's not exactly like Misato is hard to pull or anything. Tsuneo: For a fourteen year-old? Rebecca: Hmm... True. Of course, the other thing that irks me about Lisa is the way she just has all these amazing super powers. [Rick and Dan enter.] Dan: Hey guys. Rick: What you two on about? Tsuneo: Oh, we're trying to decide who's the worse EVA SI to date. It's down to a brawl between Lisa and DJ. Dan: What about Issei? Surely he's gotta rate. Rebecca: Surprisingly, not really. I mean, he only really warped two characters, Shinji and Gendo, and one of them was more badly written than warped. Yeah, he's got superpowers and all, but he's not nearly as munchkin as Lisa. Rick: Good point, actually. Plus, you know, he's kinda goofy and all. Dan: So what about the amazing Jin, the all knowing guy from the future? Tsuneo: Well, we don't have anything to go on, do we? I mean, he can seduce Rei while he's unconscious, he generates totally inexplicable theorems and that's it. We don't have any idea about his abilities, in or out of his EVA. Rebecca: Although I'm pretty sure we can take for granted that he's an excellent pilot. And he mentioned he was a top class fighter. Rick: Hey, um, how about that Jon guy? The one who hangs around DJ? Dan: Yeah. From all I've heard, he doesn't seem that bad. Tsuneo: He doesn't really do much, to be honest. Although I think that's more due to DJ's all-pervasiveness, rather than a lack of effort on his own. When you think about it, he's part angel like Rei, can detect angels and has a near telepathic link with her. He's beginning to rack up those crimes. Rebecca: But on the other hand, he's not warping the characters to his own will, doesn't seem to have a list of credentials as long as your arm and doesn't seem to have any obvious superpowers. I mean, that being said, he'll probably end up projecting and AT field like Rei does in episode 24... Tsuneo: I disagree on Jon. You probably only think he's mild because you've seen so little of him so far. Rebecca: This is probably also true. Rick: So all in all... Doesn't that make DJ about the most normal? [Long pause.] Dan: Damn, he's right. Rebecca: That's scary. Tsuneo: And I guess that makes Lisa the worst, after all. Rick: Wow. Tsuneo: I hope there's some fanmail. I need cheering up. [Tsuneo wanders over to the computer and fiddles with the mouse for a second.] Tsuneo: Ask and ye shall receive. [They cluster around the computer.] Tsuneo: There's one here from Mike on those two EVA fics. > Gahh... > That sucked... that really sucked... > Where do you find this Issei crap? Rick: Issei's web page. > And why is Rei the love interest in everything? I mena, Misato's pretty > hot... Tsuneo: I don't know. I really, really don't know. Rebecca: I have three theories. One, all EVA SIs to my knowledge are SIed as EVA kids. Thus Rei's a more obvious target, being the same age as the character. Two, since she's the unseducable object, it's only natural that the SI seduces her. Three, Ganiax and Bandai's depiction of her as EVA's Sex Symbol. Rick: I mean, everywhere you look these days, there's a poster of Rei showing off almost everything. > I fear when I know enough about NGE to send it to the K5 crew. Rebecca: Don't do it Mike. They'll hate you forever. Tsuneo: And thanks for writing in. Dan: Where's our money? Voice: Good morning, all. Rebecca: Hi there your headness. Voice: Ready for work, guys? Rick: No. Dan: Let's not and say we didn't. Rebecca: I don't think i'm ever ready for any of the crap you dig up. Voice: Oh, I think you'll find this one rather familiar. Tsuneo: That bodes. [They sit - Dan & Rick on the forwards-facing couch, Rebecca and Tsuneo on the other one. Tsuneo & Rick are closest on the corners.] Rebecca: So what is it, skull? Voice: It's the sequel to that marvellous piece of literary trash, Hellstorm Evangelion. Tsuneo: I'm leaving. Voice: No chance. [The screen lights up.] > Hiiiiiiii!!!!!! I'm Issei Mataloun, the 6th child!! Rick: And I'll be your host for the evening. > If you have read the > awesome fanfic series which I wrote before this one "Hellstorm evangelion" Rebecca: We sympathise with you. > then you know who I am and the story of how Shinji and I defeasted the devil > in a game of cat and mouse. Dan: Well it certainly wasn't a game of chess. Rick: Cat and mouse? It was more like blood and gore. Tsuneo: And what's this "Shinji and I" bit? Shinji didn't do anything! > it's an awsome story I could reccommend to > ANYONE and It's much better then a lot of eva fanfics (even though my > spelling is bad......i know I'm sorry, I'm to lazy to speelcheck). Rebecca: That's all right. We'll just have to set fire to you for it. Tsuneo: I find it particularly tragic that he misspelt "Spellcheck." > Anyway I know that the edning was pretty conlusive, Rick: Earth blown up? The Devil and all the Demons dead? Conclusive? Naaah. Dan: Only in fanfiction. Rick: Or comics. > but I just cold not resistthe > idea of writing another part to this series and I wanted it to be specail. Tsuneo: The spelling here's pretty 'specail'. > So I decided to make it HUUUUGE with loads of new charaaracters, all of your > favorites from "hellstorm Evangerlion" (even some of the DEMONS!!), Rick: Aren't they all dead? > INTENSSE battles betwen good and evil, loads of romance, Rebecca: That's something we could live without. > more blood and guts (one of my favrite parts :)), Dan: We never would have guessed. > and a even better story. Tsuneo: Well that last one wouldn't be hard. > It took along time to get > this story together but I think it was worth it. Its like EVA, Fist of the > Nrthstar, Slayers, Dragonball Z,and Final Fantsy 7 all together; Rick: So... It's got big robots, Angels, super-powered Ki blasts, huge swords, magic, heads exploding, blood and guts everywhere and breast jokes? Rebecca: Actually... Yeah. That describes "Hailstorm Evangelion" perfectly. > If you loved my other works, Dan: Seek help. > then get ready for one of the greatest expierences in > you rlife!!! But if you expect a straight [Rebecca breaks up laughing] > EVA fanfic then you mightnot like this since its VERY diffrent! > The greatest eva fanfic on earth ever creted is finnally continud.......... Rick: I didn't think that Jamie was going to write any more of "Neon Australian Exodus". > Hellstorm Evangelion II All: Electric Boogaloo! > DEVIL"S REVENGE: Quest for the Four Orbs of Power Rebecca: Spot the oh so subtle Dragonball reference, folks. > By: Issei Mataloun > (EVAkid6@hotmail.com) > *********************** > It had ben months since the battle of earth had destoryed the plant > and everyone had been sent to heaven's paradise. Rick: If you can call anywhere that has Issei 'Paradise'. > Issei and shinji madly in > love had found that heaven was identical to earth but was more strange and > you could do ANYTHING! Tsuneo: Then it's not really much like Earth, is it? > They found a lake which was pink Rebecca: Whoa. Trippy. > and built a house for the two of them. Rick: Issei probably knocked it up in an afternoon. Rebecca: Ha! DJ would have pot up a three storey mansion with landscaped gardens by then. > They loved being lone in there even though some times > their friends would come and visit Dan: And occasionally Auska would drop by as well. > (even Penpen who learned how to speak once he entered hevaen) Rebecca [DJ]: We're happening people! We've got a penguin who can *talk*, for God's sake, how cool is that? > they had all of there best times aloneand each others arms...... Dan: Alone and each other's arms? The hell? Rebecca: Issei and his arms probably would have a great time on their own. Tsuneo: Bad. > One night right after having sex the two boys went to the outside > and weandered over what had happened before. Dan: Stuff happened. It was cool. > After saving all of mankind Rick: As well as Dude Love and Cactus Jack. > Issei had been given his wings by GOD. Dan: [Issei] Can I have my wings? I've been a good junior pilot. > Issei had laughed and showed off his new wings to everyone. Rick: Of course, Lying down would be a real pain... Tsuneo: [Varie Fanel] Never show your wings until the time comes. > He was so proud! Every since the devil died > heaven had signed a peace treety with Hell and now the two realms were not > at war. Death the lord of darkness niow ruled over Hell. Rick: Lord of Darkness? The Undertaker? Rebecca: Maybe the Corporate Ministry is expanding it's membership. > Also rei and Asuka had become girlfreinds Dan: Huh? Rebecca: Any particular reason? Rick: I guess they both dropped Lisa... Tsuneo: I don't know what's more OOC: Rei sleeping with women, Asuka sleeping with women or Rei and Asuka sleeping together. > and them and Issei and Shinji always weent out > on triple dates with Hyuga and Misato. Life was GREAT!! Dan: And there's the set-up folks. > While the two boys wandered around a flash of light came out. Rick: Everyone comes out in this kid's fics. > It > blinded the two botys and they covered they eyes but it was too much. It > send chill bumps down there spine and they yelled. "AHHHHH!!! WHAT IS > THAT?!!?" Tsuneo: A crime against punctuation. Dan: Aw gawds! It's Q! > The flash of light vanished and there was the lord of darkness, > DEATH! Dan [Death]: Please, no Lord of Darkness stuff. I'm just plain, simple Death. > He was wearing a black robe which covered all of his body Rick: You know, he really needs to change his image. That's so 13th century. Rebecca: Hey, after twenty-two Discword novels he can't be wrong. > (even his > face which no one could EVER see thru the hood) and he floated over the lake, > holding his scyth. He laughed sppokily and sayed Tsuneo: Well, people are still "sayed" things. I'm happy. > "Hahahaha!! Dan: Well there's how you can tell it's one of Issei's characters. They laugh like morons whenever they say something. Rick: I suppose this is the Slayers influence then. Tsuneo: Oh, well. He's laughed like a maniac so he can get blown up now. > I told you we would met again Issei" Rick: Hang on.. didn't he say that "Issei Strikes Back" didn't fit into the "Hellstorm" continuity? So when did he meet Death? Tsuneo: Rick, this is Hellstorm. There's no such thing as continuity. > "Whoa it's Dearth! Dan: No, it's Death! Rebecca: It's Rhinox! > How are you?" sayed Issei Rick: A bit on the thin side. > "Death?! The guy who is now king of hell?" sayed Shinii. Rebecca: Ge... who else could it be. Rick: Actually, it's Bob Death, they guy who runs the corner grocery store. > "Yeah" saed Issei. > "Not anymore" sayed death "there has been a revolt and now I am but > a mere treaveller..." Rick: [Death] And I'm in Gurps now. > "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Sayed Issei > "Yes It is true. Would you like you hear my tale mortals?" Tsuneo: Actually, being an Angel means that Issei is immortal. And Since this is heaven, you could argue that Shinji is immortal too. > "YES!" the two boys sayed at the same time. All [Singing]: So sit right back and I'll tell you a tale/a tale of a fateful trip/five passengers set sail that day/aboard that tiny ship... > "Okay. I have ben ruling over Hell for a long time now but > something went wrong. Dan [Death]: I chose Dan Quayle as my running mate. > I have heard that a nother gruop was trying to over > power us and then I found out who it was. Dan: Kenneth Star? > It is Jezebel the devil's wife!! She resurected all of Satan's old demons Tsuneo: Oh no... Not them again. Rick: The lamest bunch of supernatural monsters ever unleashed on fanfiction. Dan: I can't wait. > and is now planing to overthrow > heaven and hell and combine the two of them into a single world. Rebecca: When corporate mergers go too far. > This will > make her the goddess of all there is and she will rule suprme! She has > aklready killed all of my gurardians Rick: So much for the Ministry of Darkness. Dan: I wonder how they got rid of Viscera? Rick: Probably tipped him onto his front. > and now seeks to kill me. Rick: Although, theoretically Death should be unkillable... > She has > taken my throne and I need your help and power. You once killed the devil > right? Rick: Naw. It was some other gay uberkid angel with a Sword of Power- Dan: TM Rick: - a mega-gun, a rage against the machineshirt and with Shinji hanging off him like he was attached with superglue called Issei. Rebecca [Death]: Oh. My mistake. Sorry to bother you. > You can surely take care of his wife!!" > "Leave it to me DEATH!" Issei sayed "We will save both of our > dominons" Dan: Man, are you in trouble now. Rebecca: [Death] Somehow, that isn't quite reassuring. > "You donot understand though Issei! Tsuneo: I don't think anyone could understand Issei. > Jezebel is coming here now not > only to take over heaven but she wishes to kill you for the death of her > husband! With your blood she will bring back Satan to life and they shall > rule together! Rick: [Death] Or until the divorce comes through. > This is her most importal goal andshe will stop att nothing to acheve it!" > "But WAIT WAIT! How could the devuil have a wife?!" Shinnji asked > "I thought he was with my dad?" Dan: Yeah, what about that? > "REALLY?" Death sayed thoutfuly "I don't undersrand it then.......I Tsuneo: No-one "undersrands" it. > donot think she knows. I didnot and am very surprised to here this....." Rick: What kind of a lame lord of hell are you? > "ANYWAY! We had better report this to GOD before thery attack....." > sayed Issei. Dan: Of course, why Death went straight to these kids rather than to God is anyone's guess... > At that Death opened up his arms and another flash of light came > out from his arms. Rebecca: [Death] Damn B.O keeps flaring up. > All three of them were taken away by the light and they > disapearedfrom the area...... Tsuneo: Never to be seen again. > *********************** > The three of them got to heavens gates while they were a bunch of > demons on the other side yelling and screaming. Issei eyes glowed red and > his wings spread out and he sayed "STOP THAT!" Rebecca: Bloody Vikings. > and as they halted Issei got out the Sword of power All: TM. Tsuneo: Yup, we know where the fic's going from here. > from his holster Tsuneo: Then looked at what he'd done to his holster and realised why his gun didn't fit in his scabbard. > and pointed it to the sky. Rick: [Issei] BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL! Dan: You've been waiting to do that, haven't you? Rick: [Smugly] Castle Greyskull is copyright Mattel or something like that. > "I demand a fight with your mightiest warriar! Rebecca: Oh, this should be a laugh. Rick: [Demon] You mean the one who's 2000 feet tall? Dan: [Issei] Er... Maybe your second mightiest warrior. > We willsettle this with a fair fight and it will decide our fates!" > Then a flash of black light flashed and two people came out of the > light. One was fat, hairy and ugly..............It was Atrogo! Tsuneo: Oh, no... Here we go again. Dan: Which one was he? Rick: He was the big, ugly one that laughed maniacally then died in a puddle of his own gore. Dan: That helped. Rick: Of course, he was EVA sized last time. Rebecca: Things are looking up already. > He snarled > as he squezed his hands into fists. The other was short and stuubby and > had one eyes Tsuneo: Um... Rick: Um... Dan: Er... Rebecca: You got me. > and a short horn on his head.......This was the devil's servent Woodie! Rick: Woodie! Woo-hoo! Dan: He was the best! Tsuneo: Why, what did he do? Rick: He died in a puddle of his own gore. Dan: but he didn't get to laugh maniacally first! > The two of them laughed evily and Atrogo sayed "hahahaha!! You > wanna setllte this with a fight?!" Dan: That's what he said. Are you deaf or something? > "YES! I am ready to take on anything!!" > "GRRRRRAAAAA!!!" Atrogo sayed as he ran toward Issei and clawed at > his but Issei ducked and got out his sword Tsuneo: Didn't he do that already? > and cut off one of the demons' arms. After yelling and cursing Dan: Wow. He's really effective here. Rick: [Issei] Victory is mine! Rebecca: [Atrogo] No it's not! Rick: [Issei] But I cut one of your arms off! Rebecca: [Atrogo] 'Tis but a scratch. Rick: [Issei] A scratch? Rebecca: [Atrogo] A flesh wound! Tsuneo: You guys... > Atrogo jumped from his and tackled Issei > and beat him up. He punched his face into the ground and bit at his flesh. > Issei tryed to get away but he couln't! He spit out a glob of blood and coughed > as the demon tore up his flesh. Then there was a sound BLAM!!! Rebecca: As opposed to an unsound blam, I suppose. > And the demon stoped....his head explodded Tsuneo: Say, is this Hellstorm, or Hellstorm 2? I can't tell the difference. Dan: Isn't it obvious? Tsuneo: No, it's not. Dan: You're right, it ain't. > and bit and peces of his head flew all over the > place while the stub spit out blood which floated in the sky. Rick: Wow. It was *really* worth resurrecting him. Dan: [Atrogo] Nuts. Am I dead *again?* > Shinji stood to > the side with a gun in his hand smoking............Lucky he brought it with him! Rick: Holy crap! Shinji did something! Rebecca: He'll probably apologise to Atrogo. you watch. > Issei then pushed the dead demon side and jumped into shinjis arms > and kissed him over and over. Rebecca: Oh, yuck. And he's still got demon drool all over him. Tsuneo: Uh, hello? Something going on here with armies of hell bashing at the gates? > Issei looked over then at Woodie who was > shaking with fear and he laughed "hahahahaha!! What's wrong you little > turd?" Tsuneo: [Woodie] I'm caught in a crappy fanfic. Rick: [Woodie] They resurrected me with my head on backwards. > Woddie sayed "He wassssss like a borther to me Dan: Demons like that are such a bother. > and now hesssss gone! The other demonsssss may have left Rebecca: Where did they get to, anyway? Tsuneo: They found something more interesting to do, like pick at their toenails. > but they will be back!! But > But......I wissssssh the new leader sssssshared the ideasssss of ourr Lord > Death... he wasssssssss, Hey it that him over there?!?" Tsuneo: Say, what were you doing during this fight anyway, oh lord of dorkness? Dan: [Death] Err... Working on my tan. Rick: Huh? > "Yes" sayed Deth "I have joined Isseiand Shinji they will help us > regain our place in Hell!" Rick: Now think about this one: Do you really want it? Dan: Especially given Woodie was previously dead. > "Freindssssss of Death are friendsssss of mine!!" sayed Woodie. > "Could I join you to? I ssssswear, I will not betray you!!" Tsuneo: [Sarcastic] I don't know about you, but I'm convinced. > "Do you swear? If you do we will gave to kill you." sayed Shinji > "YESSSSSSS! PLEASSSSE! I will do anything!!" Rebecca: [Issei] *Anything?* > "Okay" sayed Issei. > "A wise move my boy!" sayed a voice from somewhere. Just then a > man wearing a black business suit and dark sunglases with blonde hair Tsuneo: So... His sunglasses had blonde hair? > jumped out fropm the bushes Tsuneo: Oh... It's... The man. Dan: Where'd those come from? Rick: At least he didn't "come out." Rebecca: Although he probably will before the chapter's over. > and sayed "Good evening, my name is Agent Toshi. Rick: [Toshi] Number 007, licensed for product placements. > I work with those who wish to vanquish the spreading evil of Jezebel." Dan: [Toshi] they spend all day on a couch, reading bad fanfiction. > "Really?" sayed Issei "Then do you have any info that we could > use?" > "Boy do I!" sayed Toshi "I say we have a meeting with everyone > involved with this and we can discuss what to do!" Tsuneo: See? he's smart! He's been reading the script. Rebecca: No, if he was smart, he'd be out of here. > "That'sssss a good idea........." sayed Woodie. > "Yes I agree." sayed Death > "Yeah!!!" sayed Issei Rebecca: Of course, it is the obvious thing to do. Rick: So why don't we all stop standing around and agreeing, and get off our asses and do something? Dan: [Woodie] Yeah! Rebecca: [Death] Good idea! Tsuneo: [Issei] I agree! > "What a minute.....How can we trust you Toshi? You could be an > undercover demon??" Tsuneo: Yeah, you're really gonna blow his cover like that. Rick: [Toshi] Me? I'm just a normal guy, nothing to worry about, ignore the pitchfork, people. > Toshi shook his head and sayed "Nope! If I was, Issei would have > found out by now! It's a special power that Angels have! They can detect > demons!" Tuneo: That could have been really useful several times during Hellstorm, but never mind. > Issei noded and sayed "How do you know so much about us?" Rick: Like what? All he's said is that Issei's an angel. Dan: And that's pretty obvious anyway. Rebecca: [Issei] These? Oh, I got them at a garage sale. > "You two are popular where I come from!! All: Dum, dum, daaahhh... Tsuneo: Funnily enough, Kaoru said something a lot like that. > Plus it was in my briefing!" sayed Toshi Tsuneo: I told you he read the script. > "And where do you come from?" asked Shinji > Toshi shook his head and sayed "I cannot tell you or else I would > be forced to kill you." Rebecca: Of course, given that the only Authority Issei answers to is God himself, that's quite a giveaway. > Issei put his hands on his side of his head and sayed "God we are > coming to you. Wait for us please.........." Dan: I'm sorry, God isn't in right now. But if you'd care to leave your name, number and a brief prayer after the tone, he'll get back to you. > Shinji then put his arms around Issei and kised him. RickL [Shinji] Well there you go. I've contributed my minuscule amount for this fic. I think I'll just get back to snogging Issei now. > The group then went under Death's cloak again RebeccA: [Issei] Me see London, me see France! > and in a flash of light they were gone!! > *********************** > The coucil of heaven was taking place and everyone was there:Issei > Mataloun, Shinji Hikari, Tsuneo: So he married the class president? That'll sure make Issei jealous. > Asuka Langly, Rei ayanmi, Misato, Hyuga, Futuski, > Toshi, Woodie, Penpen, Rebecca: DJ, Jon, Spiner, Keller, Jin, that Truss guy that DJ mentioned, the guy who takes out Issei's garbage... Rick: Along with the old man from scene twenty seven and a thousand Peruvian llamas. > and Risuko. The wrere all sitting down at the table > when all of a sudden the door swung open and GOD came out. [They all sit in stunned silence for a few seconds.] Rick: I don't believe this. He cast God as a supporting character. > He was whering a red robe and had a beard which drug to his knees. Tsuneo: So I suppose he's going to explode, like everyone else in an Issei fic who has a long beard that drugs... sorry, drags on the ground. > He had long gray hair and blue eyes. Kimmy and Evan, his 2 guardians Dan: Kimmy and Evan? The hell? Rebecca: What's the bets that these are two more of Issei's mystery friends? Rick: Protected by twelve year olds. Wow. > followed him and pulled out his chair. God took his chair Dan: Every evening with a glass of water. > and started talking. > "My children, you have invited me to this concil which we shall > talk of an issue of impotance. [Rebecca points at the screen, then collapses laughing on the floor.] Rick: [Deadpan] Does that mean Issei's sex life isn't all he'd have us believe? Dan: [God] I... I mean importance! Damn, what a slip! > Is it true that the devil's wife, Jezebel > has takne over Death's position as Hel''s ruler?" Tsuneo: [Issei] You're the omnipotent one, you tell us. > "Yes, that is right. sayed Death "She brought the horde of demons > thatthe Satan Rick: *The* Satan? Dan: There's quite a lot of him around. > had created and now she is using them t collect the fourOrbs > of Power which can bring the devil back to life. She knows that they were > on Heaven and is coming here any second now. After the devil comes back > she will bind heaven and hell together and all chaos will ruyle over the > land! Tsuneo: And there's the plot. Good night, everybody! Dan: I suppose that'd be the Dragonball part of it, then. Rick: Well it certainly isn't the fight scenes. > We cannot let this happen!" > Woodie sayed "I agree Massssssster...... Dan: Oh, "master" is it now? Kiss up. > Ssssssshe alssssso > plansssss to desssssstory all thosssse in heaven once sssssshe hasssss the > power!" Rebecca: [Death] Didn't I just say that? > Toshi sayed "True. Everything that sayed is true. Dan: Even the lies? Rick: Especially the lies. > But one thing > you may not know is that the Orbs are located in totaslly different places. Dan: One's on the moon. Rebecca: One's in Dan's sock drawer. Tsuneo: One of them's under a rock in Canada. Rick: [Toshi] And I ate the last one. My bad. > We'll have to go on a journy for get them....... All: Road trip! Road trip! Rebecca: Are we there yet? Tsuneo: No. > I have a map which will take > us there........Also once we have all of them we sould bring them togerther > and power up the Sword of Power All: TM. > which can then kill Jezebel." Tsuneo: Of course, there's no chance whatsoever that getting them all in the one place will allow Jezebel to resurrect the devil, unite Heaven and Hell and all that kind of stuff. > Then he > reached in his pokct and pulled out a glowing green orb which was about the > same size as a marbal. Tsunbeo: Oh, look! It's a Master Magic materia. > "This isone of them....Three more left to go!" > God sayed "Good then........I will send you out to destory this > evil. I will send out three groups. Once all of you get the orbs, report > back to my castle and we will forge the Sword of Power. Rick: TM. Tsuneo: [Issei] But I've already got it. Dan: [God] Shuddup, kid. If I say we're gonna forge the Sword of Power, we're gonna forge the Sword of Power, got it? > The first group will be Issei, Shinji and Woodie.... Rick: Well that makes - huh? Dan: You see, if Woddie's a traitor, then hopefully he'll kill Issei. All: Hooray! > The second one will have Toshi, Rei, and Askua..... Rebecca: [Toshi] Don't leave me with the Germans! > The third will have Death, Misato, and Penpen..... Dan: Wow. I can really see Penpen being usefull in this. > Hyuga, Kimmy, and Evan will act as the guards of heaven while you are away..... Tsuneo: Wow. That's really a deterrent. Rick: He's just randomly choosing people, isn't he? Dan: So pardon me, but what are Fuyutski, Kensuke, Toji, Hikari- Rick: DJ, Jon, Jin, Lisa, Jo- Dan: And so on going to do? > They will lead the army against the forces of darkness." Rebecca: And I'm sure the forces of evil everywhere are just quaking in their boots. > "Okay" sayed Issei as he looked at Toshi's map "We will get the Orb > of Fire, Team 2 will get the Orb of Water, and the third will get the Orb of > Wind..... Rick: And stash it in Misato's panties. Tsuneo: Come to think of it, this is a lot more like Legend of the Underwear than anything in FF7. > Any questions?" > "Yes" sayed Asuka Rebecca: [Asuka] How do I get out of this chicken shit outfit? > "I reqest that we each have a gun and > sword.......Just incase some demon piece of shit trys to mess with me and > Rei......." Dan: [Asuka] I'll start by using Rei as a decoy... Whoops! Slipped back into character. > God sayed "That is being arranged. Oh and Ausuka watch your > language........" > "Sorry..................................." > Then suddenly an explosion was heard Rick: It was a sound BLAM! > and some screaming was heard. > Issei and the rest of them got out of their seats and RAN towad the > sound.....They ran outside and say The Devil's fourth demon JUghy! Rick: All the familiar faces... [Sniffs] > Accept now we has HUGE All: I'm huge! > and trampelleing all over Heaven destorying EVERYTHING! Rebecca: So much for Sunday's flower show. > Shinji gulp and sayed "What are you gonna do ISSEI?!" Tsuneo: Cue another pointless and ridiculous fight scene! > Issei out his hands on the side of his head again and began talking > sending his mind to outerspace Rick: It isn't there already? > where something special was. Tsuneo: His spellchecker? > *********************** > Eva 2 was still floating in space doing nothing.... Dan: [EVA-02] Man, it's dull out here. Rick: Sort of like the Australian Democrats, really. > Then it heard a > voice coming from Heaven. Issei's voice the sound of his masters voice! Tsuneo: One or the other, make up your mind. > It had been so long since he heard that voice and now she was so happy Rebecca: So EVA-02's a hermaphrodite now? Rick: Some EVAs just can't make up their minds. Tsuneo: If he starts using those dumb "gender neutral" pronouns, I'm outta here. > ,to hear it! > "EVA TWO!! WE NEED YOU NOW!!!" Sayed Issei Mataloun his master > yeeled. All: We need Megazord power, now! > "Yes" sayed EVA-2 "I must save my master...." Dan: I don't see why. What'd he ever do for you? Rick: Maybe it thinks it's going to rescue Asuka. > It then became absored by a blue firball and started heading abiove > to heaven. Rebecca: That's not EVA-02! It's Gigan! Tsuneo: Well that's going to surprise Issei when it arrives. > *********************** > "Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!" sayed Jughy "I am the new master! Rick: Do you have a hellhound? You can't be the master without a hellhound and a flashy poncho. > I will > stroy all of you puny human pieces of crap! ISSEI! I have a score to > settle with your gay ass! Rebecca: You might want to re-phrase that. > You killed me before I had the chance to grow by > now the table turns! What will you do you little fagat?!" Dan: Guest starring Issei's guestbook as Juhgy. Rebecca: Admit it, you all went there and torched it too. > Then Issei started floating in the air and suddenly a flash of > light came out Tsuneo: Everyone's coming out around here. > and as it started sparkling EVA-2 appeared out of noweheere Dan: [EVA-01] What about me? I'm the real star of this friggin' show. > and Issei floated into the entry plug. Rick: [Asuka] What? You dare use the great Asuka's personal EVA? BLAM! Dan: That's what she wanted the gun for, folks. > He sliped into it and EVA-2 was now fully operatiopal! Tsuneo: But fell over due to a lack of power. Oh, well. > "No one and I mean NO ONE calls me a fagat and > lives!!!!" yelled Issei as he struck his mightie pose. Rick: [Bluebottle] Strikes heroic pose. Pose is ruined when trouser fall down. Nee-hee! > Juhgy snarled and jumped at Issei and began clawing EVA-2's eyes > out....But Eva2 took out the prong knife Rebecca: All hail the triumphant return of the Prong Knife! > and stabbed Jughy in the forehead. Dan: [Bored] So much for Juhgy. Tsuneo: So is this just going to be another sequence of bad fights strung together with inept writing? Rick: Was there any doubt? Tsuneo: Just making sure. > A gallon of blood spit out from the hole as Issei stabed him again and > again. "NO ONE CALLS ME THAT!!!!!!!" he yelled again as he kicked the > demon and sent his foot thru Jughy's chest and cruches his heart completly. Dan: [Deep voice] Fatality. > He then riped of his arms and thru them away. EVA-2 howled All except Tsuneo: OOOOOHHHH! Tsuneo: Sorry to spoil it for you, but EVA-02 doesn't have a mouth. > loving its first taste of comabt in sio long.... > "What a monster" sayed Toshi who was scared... Rebecca: You think that's bad, you should see the spelling. > Shinji was cheering as Issei flew back down and huged him. Rick: Is that what Rita does to the monsters in Power Rangers? > "Are we gonna go now?" sayed Shinji. "I think we should start before they send > there powerful demons...." Rick: [Issei] Oh, him? He was nothing that I couldn't push over in two or so lines. > Issei nodded and sayed "Yes let's go....Death will you do the > honors?" > "Remember what you must find everyone" Tsuneo: The plot? Little chance of that. > sayed Death as he waved his > hand in the sky and all of them vanished. The three teams were sent out > ready to kick some demon ass Rebecca: Fine. but if anyone opens up a can of whoop-ass, *I'm* leaving. > and find the three orbs of power.......... Dan: Thanks for restating that for the third time. > But one of them was a traitor! Tsuneo [Bored]: Gee. I wonder who it could be? > *********************** > Rei and Asuka followed Toshi down the field and sayed "Do you REALLY > know where you going???" Dan: [Asuka] And are we there yet? > And Toshi sayed "Of course...........Though I > wouldn't mind being loast with two fine ass chicks like you two." he sayed > as he winked. Rebecca: And there's the pitch... Rick: Dan, you should sue him. He's stealing your style. Dan: Very funny. > Then Rei took out a HUGE hammer and beat Toshi on the head. Tsuneo: Help. Rick: I don't know what's more OOC: Rei having sex with Asuka, or Rei flattening someone with a dimensional hammer. > WHAM > is sayed and Rei sayed "In your dreams sicko! I'm dating Asuka!" she sayed > as he hugged Asuka and kissed her. Rebecca: [Rei] Hey! Stop that! I sayed... Damn, I mean said she's mine! > "Whatever............." sayed Toshi as they went through the > forest.... Rick: [Toshi] Off we go to grandma's house, kiddies. > Suddenlt a howls was heard followed by a snarl....Thre three of > them turned and say a HUGE demon with five red eyes and sharp fangs. Tsuneo: Of course, it would help if we knew what the rest of the demon looked like... Who am I trying to kid? > It hung on a tree from what looked like a spider web that hung him by the feet. Dan: [Demon] Get me down. > Two other demons smaller but with more spikes on their sholder stood behind > him. Rick: It's LOD 2000! > the head demon sayed "hahahahahaha!!! I am Cohisof Rebecca: Gesundheit. > and there Reptirl and Gowed... Dan: More sad victims of the scrabble bag technique. Rick: Reptar? No, wait, it's Reptirl. For a second I thought this was crossing over into Rugrats. Tsuneo: It isn't? > We're the Demonic trio. Rebecca: [Cohisof] Appearing tonight at the Crooner's club! > All of us are brothres > although I am the only one who cane talk! They were born deaf and dum! Dan: [Toshi] How nice. BLAM! > I come with a messege! Rick: [Cohisof] Your fly's undone. > Give up your quest for the three orbs and give us > yours before we have to kill you!!!" > "What do you look like dumb?" sayed Toshi Rebecca: Ah Toshi? You don't want him to answer that. Tsuneo: If they could understand it. > "we'll never give you the orbs!!" Dan: [Cohisof] Oh, please? > "THEN PARPARE TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dan: [Cohisof] Hang on! I haven't laughed maniacally yet. > Repitirl came first as he came toward Asuka and asuka took out her > gun. She beat him on the side of the head with it and as he yelled in pain > she shot him two times. Tsuneo: I wonder if he's ever heard of fighting back? > Then she kicked him to the side and shot him three > morre times just to make sure. His stomach exploded and a stream of guts > came out and flowed out. Rick: Yeah, I think that's dead. Dan: Well he really contributed to this fic. > Then came Goiwed who started giggling as he tryed to punch Rei but > she bliocked it and came to his side with a kick to the ribs then she > chopped at his stomach. Rebecca: Intense fighting game action! > While the demon was gasping for breath she took out > her sword and cut of his head. Tsuneo: Oh, well. At least this one got a punch in. > His bloody stub started spitting out a load > of blood as his body fell tothe floor and started shaking then died. Tsuneo: Then died? Dan: Yeah, he'd only just noticed he lost his head. > Cohisof came out Rebecca: Another one! Is being bent a requirement to get into this kid's fics? > and sayed "You little bitches are good but let's > she how you do boy!" Before he could finish his sentence Toshi pulled out a > gun and sayed "I don't play fair!!!!" and shot him in each leg. Rick: Sucker! Got him while he was gloating! > Then after > that he shot him in the eyes then in the stomach. He then took out a > lighter Dan: Wow. I'm sure he's scared. > and smiled evily. "Now if you wanna live you better tell us where > we can find the Obr of Water!" Tsunbeo: Wow, that's *really* an effective threat, given that he can't even *see* the lighter. > "ok.....ok....Please don't kill me!! Tsuneo [Cohisof]: I've got a wife and forty-seven kids to think about! > You can find it in my sword's hilt.... Rick: Not that you had a sword... > just pull it out and the orb is yours.....Now could you please help > me? Please help me!" Dan [Cohisof]: I'm stuck on question 28. Quadratic equations kill me. > "Sure!" sayed Toshi as he dropped the lighter and set the demon on > fire! He started burbning away and he shook as his body started roating. Dan: Umm... Rick: Err... Rebecca: Ahhh... Tsuneo: Nope. You've lost me. > "AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" he sayed as he died,. It wasn't long before Cohisof was > nothing but ash!! Dan: And all that out of one little lighter too... Rick: These demons are wusses! > "Holy shit!!!" sayed Rei Tsuneo: She's getting more and more OOC by the second! > "what did you do that for Toshi?! He gave us the info we needed!" Rebecca [Toshi]: I was hungry. Anyone want some? > Toshi took the demon's sword and started looking at the hilt for the > orb. Dan: Try the Materia slots. Rick: Hey! It's Sono's broadsword. > He found it and took it out and showed it to the two girls. It was > blue and about the same size and the other one. Rebecca: And that's a Quadra-Magic materia. > He sayed "He was a demon from hell and not fit to live. Tsuneo: Careful. You'll have the Demons Right's group bearing down on you like a ton of bricks. > I put him out of his misery!!" All: And ours. > "Thats murder!!" sayed Asuka Rebecca [Asuka]: And besides which, I wanted to do that! > "That's life!!" sayed Toshi. Dan: Well... He won that one. I think. > The two of them growled at each other Dan: Bad Asuka! Bad! No biscuit! Rick: Well I always knew she was a bitch... [Tsuneo whacks him with a cushion] > and gave each othwer a look. > Rei tryed to calm both of them down and sayed "Why don't we camp out for > the night? I found a good camping spot out there. Dan: San Fransisco? Rebecca: Wrong kind of camping. Dan: In an Issei fic? Rebecca: Touche. > Then in the morning we can go back where we came....." > Toshi shook his head and sayed "Nononono.......I have to stduy these > orbs. Rick [Toshi]: I'm not an enemy agent. > Tou two go to sleep and I will follow soon. Rick [Toshi]: Remember, I'm not an enemy agent! > Goodnight!!" Rick [Toshi]: Now I'll run off with the orbs and leave you two to be devoured by the demons, but I'm still not an enemy agent! > "Goodnight Toshi!" they sayed and giggled and ran of. They walked > around the woods a littlewhile until they foun d the perfect spot. Rebecca: Never mind keeping on guard for possible demon attacks or Toshi doublecrossing you or going back to God with the Orbs or anything stupid like that. Rick: You sounded just like Tsuneo when you said that. Rebecca: Help. Tsuneo: Hey! > Then > asuka and Rei got under a tree and cuddled up. Rei moved on Asuk and huged > her and kissed her neck, then her lips. Asuka kissed her back and they > cuddled and had sex in the woods. Rick, Rebecca & Tsuneo: O_o Dan: Details! We want details! > When they woke up, both of them were naked Rick: Well duh... Rebecca: Dan, Tsuneo, you're drooling. Dan: I don't care. > and Toshi was nowehrre > to be see! The two girls wandered around and didn't find him. They even > looked where they killed the demons but he wasn't there.........and he had > both orbs of power!! Rebecca [Bored]: Oh my. What a startling plot development. > "TOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they called. No one called back. Tsuneo: Even after they left a message on his machine. > *********************** > Woodi was leading Issei and Shinji to the cave of ilusion and the > two boys were following him. Tsuneo: Well, yeah, if he was leading them. > Issei and Shinji were REALLY tried right > nowand they drug they feet as they walked. Issei got out his headfones and > put on some Manson while Shinji listend to Master p. Rick: Once again, Issei astounds us with his taste in music. Tsuneo: Why am I really not surprised that he's a Manson fan? > The two boys laughed > as they jammed and jumped around, yelling things and having loads of fun. Rebecca: I thought they were so tired that their feet were drugging... *Dragging* on the ground! Rick: The amazing rejuvenating effects of crappy music! > "hahahahahahahahaha!!!!" sayed Issei Rick: Does that mean *he's* gonna die in a puddle of his own gore? > "I havent had this much fun in a while!!!" Dan: [Issei] Isn't it cool that Heaven's being threatened with annihilation? Tsuneo: Simple mind, simple pleasures. > "Yeah!!" sayed Shinji "It's really kewl! I wish we could go on > adventres all the time!!" Rebecca: [Booktastic bus guy] With books! The gateways to adventure. > "What are you two kidsssssss crazy?!" sayed Woodie "We're on a > misssssssssssssion to kill the devilsssss wife and people may get hurt and > you two are HAPPY?!? You are sssssssychossssss!!" Rick: Whoah! Is Woodie deflating or something? > "Lighten up Woodie! We're having a great time just being together! All: We're not. > One of the good things about being in love!! Dan: Divorce? > Haven't you ever been in love before???" sayed Shinji Rebecca: [Woodie] Only with my adopted daughter. > "NOOOOOO!!!!" sayed Woodie > "Surrre you have" sayed Issei "I bet you have a girlfriends HUH?! > Come on Woodie Tell us now!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!" Dan: Do you *really* want to know about a demon's sex life? > Wooei blushed and sayed "nonononononono.....I don't have a > girlfriend.....OK?!?" Rebecca: No, he's got a boyfriend. Rick: Watch it. Issei may just prove you right. > Issei laughed and so did shinji! What fun this was! Tsuneo: I don't know; you've lost us. > Then Woodie piointed and sayed "There's the cave!! Rick: Ripped off! Where's his hiss gone to? > Becarful! You don't want to be killed in here........ Rick: Says who? > Stay colse together Rebecca: Uh, Woodie? Careful what you say. Issei might take that as an open invitation. > and we should be Okay. READY?!?" > "YEAH!!!!!" sayed the boys!! All: Right! > The three ran over to the cave and sayed "Holy shit it;s dark it > here!!" issei took shinji's hand Rebecca: Leaving Shinji with a bloodied stump. > and they ran through the cave. Dan: WHACK! Owie... Tsuneo: A light may help. > Woodie > followed. Then they say a bunch of scary looking ghosts and phantoms > crawling all over the place saying "BOOOOOOOO!!!" Rick: Wow. Gee. Gosh, I'm scared. Tsuneo: Terrified. Dan: [Snores loudly.] > then Issei pulled out his > gun atnd shot at them but nothing happened. They went on, looking for the > pillar that the orb of fire would be on..... Rebecca: Well, that was totally pointless. Tsuneo: That could be rather hard, given how *dark* it is in here. > "There is it!!" Isseisayed and pointed. It was a tall pillar whith > the red orb spinning over it. The three of them ran over there but a shadow > came out in front of them. Rebecca: Oh great, another one. Is it just me, or are heterosexuals the minority in these fics? > The shadow laughed and sayed "Hahahahaha!! All: He's dead. > You do not know me.... Tsuneo: [Shadow] Which is why I'm going to do a corny introduction. > I am Shadow the ninja! Rick: What an *original* name. > You will never destroy me! I am invinsible! Tsuneo: Does he mean invisible, or invincible? I can't tell. > Give up the quest NOW or you will be dead!!" He then struck a karatae pose Dan: Posing up a storm! Rick: He's no ninja! He's a Lin Kuei! > and laugghed "hahahahahahahaha!!!!" Rebecca: [Shadow] Work with me here, people... > Isse then struck his karate pose and the two of them snarled Dan: [Shinji] Damn. Back to doing nothing again, I guess. Rick: Grit those teeth! Grr! > Issei > sayed "I will never let you take over heaven!! You will be the one who > will die you hear me?! Tsuneo: No, I switched of my hearing aid. Of course we hear you! Rebecca: If this goes into another "In the name of the moon" speech I will kill someone. Probably Dan. Dan: Why me? Rick: You're handy. > HEAVEN WILL PREVAIL!!!!" Dan: Yada yada yada. > Then the two of them jumped kicked each other and their feet hiot > each other, then they pounced back on they feet and Issei twirled around > with a punch to the ninja's face. Rick: You bastard, try this melon! > The ninja moved to the side and kicked > him in the stomach and Issei moved back, flipped, and kicked the ninja in > the face, then punched him in the balls. Dan: Hey! Watch the jewel box! > The ninja leaped over Issei and > chopped him in the side but Issei punched him back. Tsuneo: Super action! Rick: He's getting ulraviolint now... Dang! Dang! > "Your good" Tsuneo: You're petulant, but not concentrated enough! Dan: I'll give the brat this, his fight scenes have improved. Now they're almost - and I stress almost - up to the calibre of FOTNS '93. > sayed Shadow "but can you handle a sword like you can your hands?!" Rebecca: I'm trying to think of just which dirty connotation to take from that. > He then pulled out his sword and it gleamed and flashed over > Issei's eyes. issei then pulled out his Sword of Power All: TM. Rick: I love the way he always capitalises the Sword of Power. Tsuneo: And very little else. > and got ready to fight... Dan: Oh, this is gonna be a laugh. > The two of them charged at each other and sayed "AAAAAAH!!!" as > they finally came together and colldided and Issei's sword went into > Shadow's stomach. Shadow puked out blood and he fell to the floor. Tsuneo: Well that worked. Brilliant plan, Shadow, let the brat get his sword out. > Then > just to make sure Shinji took out his gun and shot Shadow in the head three > times, leaving nothing but piecesof skull and brains. Rebecca: Where can I get one of those guns? > The brains squirmed around and rain away Rick: Uh... Uh... Yeah. Rebecca: Maybe it means they were raining from the ceiling in a "flying debris" kinda way. > and Issei took the orb that was on the pillar. > "hahahahahaha!!!!" sayed a voice from somewhere. Dan: I don't care who the voice is, but he's dead too. > "Now hell has > three of the orbs of power! Thank you Issei, you have done well!" Tsuneo: You actually got in the low twenties on this English test. Rick: Pity it's out of a hundred. > Then he > walked out of the shadows and it was TOSHI holding a gun in his hand and > smiling like a lunatic. Rick: [Heavily sarcastic] Wow. Gee. I never would have guessed. > Issei gaped and sayed "What are you doing Toshi?!? I thought you > were on the side of heraven!" Tsuneo: [Toshi] Fooled you! NYEAH! > Toshi laughed and sayed "hahahaha!! Dan: He gets to laugh maniacally twice and is *still* alive? Man, he is good! > YOU FOOLS!!! I only yake the side of who pays the most money!!! Rebecca: Well, given that you can do *anything* in Heaven, according to Issei, and that there wouldn't be any point in accumulating material wealth in such a world... Rick: You're a right idiot, Toshi. Dan: [Toshi] Hey, I get to appear in an Issei fic and remain straight. Talk about a job benefit.. > Now give up yourself Issei! I'm taking you now!!" Rebecca: Whoah! Kinda forceful there, Toshi! Dan: Forget what I just said. > "WHAT?!? Why do you want me?!" sayed Issei Rick: [Toshi] You're an Author Avatar. There is no reason. > "Your blood will bring back the devil to life! Rebecca: Oh. Phew! > Now come with me Issei......OR else your friends get it. Dan: [Issei] Precisely where do they *get* it? > There is a horde of demons waiting > outside just ready to tear you and your friends apart rtight now. Rick: Let's look at the odds here. Two brats and a pathetic demon versus Toshi and a horde of Issei's demons. My money's on the kids. > And I'll shoot you before you can save them. Rebecca: Well that quite handily changes the odds. Tsuneo: Are you kidding? Issei would just jump out of the way, laugh like an idiot, draw the Sword of Power- Rick: TM. Tsuneo: -Cut Toshi's head off and leave him to die in a puddle of his own gore. > It only take one bullet Issei......Do they live or do they die?" Dan: [Issei] Oh, they're not me so they're not important. > Issei sayed "okay I will go. Just don't huryt my love Rebecca: I'm sure he's not going to do anything to your right hand. > and our friends!" Rick: Or Woodie. > Shinji sayed "WHAT?!?!? You can't do this Issei!!!" Dan: What, you *want* him to stay? Rick: [Shinji] Uh, let me think about that one. > Isse then wispered softly "Don't worry Shinji.......I have a > plan!" Rebecca: [Baldric] I have a cunning plan, milord. > Toshi then grabbed Issei and drug him out of the cave. They walked > outside andvanished. Tsuneo: And now's when the hordes of demons should rush in and kill them. > Shinji started crying and screamed! Dan: Ya big wuss, Shinji. > Woodie started cussing and then sayed "We gotta stop that moterfucker!! Tsuneo: x_x Rick: That's a very unusual relationship. Rebecca: Sort of a traffic violation, I guess. Dan: When metal fetishes go too far. > Come on shinji ! Let's het him!!!" Tsuneo: Het. How do you do that? > Shinji nodded and sayed "Yes we need to warn the others that Issei > has been kidnapped! Then we can storm the devil's castle!!" Rebecca: Gee, wow. What are you gonna do with the rest of the afternoon? > "We have to GO BACK TO HELL!?!? AHHHHHH!!!" sayed Woodie as he > faitned. Rick: You wuss, Woodie! I thought you lived there! Dan: Coming soon to a theatre near you: Deconstructing Woodie. > *********************** > Death was talking to Misato and Penpen "Okay you guys, whenever we > go into the church, act nortmal. Tsuneo: Do they really need to be told these sorts of things? Dan: [Death] And don't step on the flowers growing on the floor. > I will ask the priste Rebecca: What's a "priste?" Rick: It's a sort of small quiche. > for the orb and > we'll return to God's castle in a flash.....I want to avoid any fight with > a demon if possible ok?" Dan: No chance, especially if he laughs. > "OKAY" sayed Misato . She had been trying to look at Death's face > all day but could not because the insides of his hood was so dark. Tsuneo: [Death] Damn hood... Can't see a thing in here. > She shrugged and gussed it was bestn not to know! > Penpen then sayed "Let us go then!!!!" Rebecca: [Penpen] Before the plot congeals any further! > When they walked in the churck thou everything was dead. Dan: Even the stonework? Tsuneo: Especially the stonework. > All of the pirests and people had been killed. Rick: Until they died of it. Tsuneo: So people are dying left right and center in Heaven? This kid's doing wonders for the Christian faith. > There dead bodies were all in the > churck seats and blood was ALL OVER the walls. Rebecca: I suppose it *is* cheaper than wallpaper. > Misatoscreamed and Death sayed "Oh Shit...." Then someone came out Rick: Do you mind? Get a hugely unpopular sitcom first. > and laughed "hahahahahahahaha!!! I thought you would never make it!!!" Rick: [Random demon] Hahaha! My name is lord Benyee! [Normal] Bang, bang, gush, spurt, blam, dies in a puddle of his own gore. Dan; We're getting a lot of mileage out of that "puddle of his own gore" bit. Rick: So's he. What did you expect, an original plot twist? Dan: It'd be nice... > and then everyone say that it was > Jezebel. She had a long black dress on and red hair that looked like > fire. She had long snake fangs and red eyes. Dan; I don't believe it! It's not just another redshirt demon! Rick: Not that we're sure this is a good thing. > Then Death sayed "Yes I am here....You have taken this orb have > you not?!" > "YESS!!!" sayed Jezebel. "I have all of them now!!!" > "WHAT?!?" sayed Death > "Hahahahaha!! Toshi was one of our people and he had taken all of > the orbs from your friends....He has also kidnaped Issei and we will use his > blood to bring back my hubsand!!" Rebecca: [Jezebel] Oh... Wait, should I have said that? > "You don't love him do you? What are you aiming to do with the > devil?" Tsuneo: Who's speaking here? Dan: [Jezebel] Probably lightly grill him and serve him with a side order of fries. > "You know me too well Death!!! Why don't you taken off that hood! > I liked you better without it anyway!!" > Death did what was told Rick: Oh, come on! What kind of a lame-assed Death are you? Rebecca: Rhinox was better than this clod. Dan: No more MGDinobot in this house! > and he ripped off the hood only to reveal he was a SHE! Tsuneo: Given how much time they spent under her cloak, wouldn't they know that by now? > She had long blackhair that went to her knees Dan: And she was hiding that under her hood? How long has Death been female, anyway? Rick: Oh, about fifteen seconds now. > and lips of the same color. Tsuneo: It's Shion gone gothic. Rebecca: No, no! It's Darth Shion! > Her bleu eyes were almost transpernt. Misato and Penpen > went SD and sayed "What the fuck?!?!?" Rick: Yeah. That's about my reaction too. > Jezebel started talking again. "I will bring my husband back to > life and then he will bestow me with the power to rule over the worlds!! > Then I will kill him again and will rule supreme! Hahahaha!! Rick: [Jezebel] And then we shall sacrifice the whole world to the dread monster Zoamelgustar! Dan: You know, that's about the level of competence we're looking at. > You could > have been my queen Death but I guess its too late for you HUH?!?" > "I would never do such a thing" sayed Death as she took outher > scyth. Dan: Say, where does she hide that thing? > "Now let's battle for the fate of heaven and hell!!!" > "No........Not here......" sayed Jezebel "You must come to my > castle. Rick: [Jezebel] I'm having a cocktail party next Sunday, and you simply *must* see what I've done with the place! > I challenge all of you....Come if you dare!!! But > now.........JIZUHO!!!!! MOXART!!!" Dan: The classics ever die... Tsuneo: They just get ret-conned back to life. Rick: Now all we need is the Lizard King, Junghy and Ramamamamama, and we've got the whole set. > The two demons came out Rebecca: Oh, for crying out loud. > of nowehre as Jezebel vanished into a > void. Death raised her scyth as Jizuho ran towad her. She then tripped > him over her scyth and sent it into his stomach. Blood splatted all over > Death's face and she raised it again and cut off Jizuho's head. The demon > screamed to Hell as he died. Dan: Wow. It was really worth resurrecting him, wasn't it? Rick: And he didn't even get to laugh maniacally! > Moxart then went to Misato and sayed "Remember me?! Tsuneo: We wish we didn't. Rebecca: Say, do you reckon there's any reason Issei re-used the same demons? Rick: Lack of imagination? He couldn't be bothered making too many new ones up? > I was the one > who you would be marryed to now.......Do you wanna do it now? Rebecca: [Misato] Here? Now? With them watching? > It could save you life!!!" > "Hell no!!! Dan: [Misato] Katsuragi 3:16 says I just exploddded - Damn, I mean whupped your ass! > You go back to hell, spawn of Satan!!!" sayed Misato Rebecca: Since when has Misato talked like an escapee from the middle ages? > as she pulled out her gun jumped in the air and unloaded a full clip on the > demon. Dan: Lara Croft she ain't. Tsuneo: Whaoh, bad NXE flashback. What am I saying? I'd rather be watching NXE about now. Rebecca: Me too. This worries me. > He then exploded ina bloody mess and died. Rick: You guys really hate the cleaners, don't you? > His head flew in the > air and landed on the ground with a splatter Misato landed back on the > ground and blew on her gun. "One demon down....ALLRIGHT!! Hey Penpen you > can stop hiding now!" Rebecca: Oh, come on! Even Penpen could have beat these two clowns. > Pepnen came out from behind the chairs and sayed "I can't believe > you two did that....Are we really going to take on the devil's castle/?!?" Tsuneo: It's a better bet than taking on Takeshi's castle. > Misato sayed "Yes, but you should do something for us Penpen......" Rebecca: Yeah, his beak's at about the right height. Dan: That's disgusting! [Hits Rebecca repeatedly with a cushion.] Rebecca: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. > "What is it?" Sayed Penpen > "Go back to heaven Dan: Aren't they in Heaven? Rick: Well, it ain't hell, so I don't know where they are. > and tell them that the forces of hell have Issei and the four orbs. Tsuneo: Face it. We're screwed. > We MUST stop them!! Go now Penpen....." > "Yeah you got it!!" Penpen sayed as he ran off. Dan: Run, Penpen, run! Rebecca: Oh, wow. He'll be there in a flash. > Then Misato looked over at Death who was crying....Misato couldn't > believe she was a woman! She was very pretty too, Rebecca: Oh, no! Don't let this go where I think it's going! > maybe even better looking > than her. But Misasto didnt let that distrack her. She sayed "Whats wrong > Death?" Tsuneo: [Death] Firstly I've been grossly miscast as a female, secondly I've been grossly mis-characterised but, most importantly, I'm stuck in a crappy fanfic! > "You.........You.....Don't understand........" sayed Death. > "Try Me!!" sayed Misaato Dan: I'm delicious! Rebecca: I guess it is going there. Rick: Does this count as necrophilia? > Just when Death hadd opened her mouth to tell her what was usp, 3 > people ran into the chruch. They was Shinji, asuka, and Rei....... Tsuneo: Hey, where'd Woodie get to? > And they > all looked worried!! Misato say them and sayed "What's wrong with you > three?!? Did you know what happened?!?" Dan: Well, this kid called Issei sat down at his computer... Rick: [Cartman] Well, I was standing in the middle of a field with this big satellite dish- Tsuneo: That's quite enough. > Then at the same time they sayed "TOSHI KIDNAPED ISSEI!!! HE > BETRAYED US!!!!" Rebecca: And he glued down the caps lock key, the bastard! > "Yes we know!!" sayed Misato "We must rescue him!" Tsuneo: Better yet, don't. > Shinji then pointed at Death and sayed "Who is she???" Dan: Madonna's latest fashion flip. > "Oh that's death." Rick: Gee, don't be so casual about it. > The three kids went SD too and sayed "WHAT THE FUCK?!!!?" > Miasato sayed "That'swhat I would like to know..........." All: You're not the only one! > Death cryed some moreand sayed "I will tell you everything now. > The truth is I was Jezebel's former lover Rebecca: Ah, goddamit! *Everyone's* bent around here! Dan: I'm beginning to think heterosexuals are an endangered species in his fics. Tsuneo: All I can think of is Misato, Toshi and Hyuga. Oh, and God, but Issei'll probably fix that one too. > and even planed with her to kill > her husbhand after he gave her his unholy power! But when he died I > leasrned the problems of my ways. Rick: Somewhere, Terry Pratchett is crying. > Jezeble disapoeared after that.........I don't know where she went....... Dan: Majorca. > And then I took over Hell! Rebecca: [Death] I had nothing else to do with the afternoon. > I made sure > noone knew I was a woman for so long because I didnt think they would take > me seriosly......... Tsuneo: Actually, what they wouldn't take seriously is the supposed lord of hell in a sobbing heap on the floor. > And now EVERYONE knows......" She cryed agai n. > "Thjat's not true" sayed Shinji "It doesnt matter wether your a > man ior a woman, as long as your a good person and you are Death!!!" Dan: That's right! We look up to anyone if they've got a scythe. > Rei sayed "Yes i agree!! Your mpast has nothing to do with the > future Tsuneo: That line does actually sound in character for Rei. > and we all think yourt a fine person!" Tsuneo: Check that. > Auska sayed "Were your friend and noone can change that!!! We all > have our weknesses, Rick: [Asuka] Except me, of course, because I'm the all mighty Asuka! > but we must not let them take us over......." > "So are you ready to take over the Devil's Castle Death?" Misato > sayed Dan: Er, can we take a rain check on that? > She wiepd away the tears Rebecca: That could take forever. > and sayed "Yes let's GO!" Then she spread her armes All: MANOS! > and in a flash of light the four of them vanished and were gone in > a puff of smoke. > Then woodie came out Dan: Well, I suppose it was inevitable. > from the side and looked at what was not > there.... "WHEW!! I'm glad I didn't have to go back to Hell! Now I can > just lay backand relasx! hahahahaha!!" Rick: And he promptly died in a puddle of his own gore. Rebecca: Any reason? Rick: He laughed, didn't he? Rebecca: Natch. > *********************** > The four warriars Tsuneo: Does anyone here see what's wrong with this picture? Rebecca: Do you mean the way he misspelt warriors, or the fact that there should be five of them? Rick: Sadly, Shinji is half-way to Murmansk by now. > came upon the Devil's dorstep Dan: Oh, look at that. He's got a doormat sayed - er, saying "Welcome." > when all of a > sudden two demons came out and laughed evily "Hahahahahahaha!! We will > destory you!!! Parpare to die in the name of the devil....." Rebecca: And these two don't even have names. How sad. > Then Death turned her scyth and sayed "Think again demons......" > and she spun her scyth around a organe flame came out mof it and burned the > two demons alive. They heads exploded in the fire and the rest of them > roastes away quickly. All: In a puddle of their own gore. Tsuneo: This is tragic! > Death grinned evily to herself and sayed "I can be > bad too.....you forget who was once your lord and master!!" > "That was great!! sayed Asuka > "YEAH YEAH YEAH" sayerd Rei Rebecca: I think she's getting a little *too* excited about this... > who was getting jeloos Tsuneo: Why's she getting jeloos - um... jealous? Rick: Because she's done practically nothing in this fic either? > "we'll let's go!" sayed shinji as she opened the door Dan: Uh, Shinji? I know you love Issei, but isn't getting the operation going a little too far? Tsuneo: Nah, he's being played by his original Japanese voice. > and the warriars ran inside. > *********************** > Issei was chained down to a wall and was pissed!! Tsuneo: Chained down to a wall... Um, nope. Rick: Well, if he's pissed, maybe he just *thinks* it's a wall. > A demon had > tryed to make him give in to they plans, but issei had been brave and taken > the pain. Dan: [Issei] I'll take pain for a hundred, thanks. > He was no crying because of the pain but he woulpdnt let that stop > him now!! He had to escape for shinji!! > Then a door to the dungon opened Rebecca: Will our mystery guest sign in please? > and Jezebel came in.....She smiled > evily and she hasd that piece of shit Toshi besuide her. Dan: Guess which one of Issei's friends he doesn't like anymore. Rick: [Issei] He said bad things about my fanfics, so I'm gonna write him in and murder him in cold blood. > Issei looked at her with a frown and then spit on Toshi and sayed "Up yours!!" Rick: [Toshi] Do you know how hard it is to get that out of a suit? Dan: This kid's sophistication amazes me. Tsuneo: At least he's not telling them to suck it. Rebecca: As much as he'd enjoy that. > Jezbel > laughed and sayed "hahahaha!! You are perfect for the revilvle of the > devil!! You are almost as evil as he is!" Tsuneo: That's what we've been saying all along! > "EVIL!?!?" Tsuneo: [Issei] Try my fist! > Issei sayed "YOUre the one thats evil bitch!!" Rebecca: [Jezebel] Why thank you. > "Hahaha!! And you call yourself and angel you pathetic pile of............." Rick: So he's a pathetic pile of dots? > "Shut up! I will beat you no matter what!!!" Dan: And that's *really* threatening, coming from a twelve year-old kid chained to a wall. > Toshi then took out his gun and sayed "Issei, shut up now......DO NOT > treat our Queen like that!!!" Rick: [Inferno] The royalty demands respect! > Issei signed and sayed "I thought you were once my freind Toshi..... Rick: I think my earlier point still stands. Rebecca: Never mind that he didn't know Toshi before he showed up at the start of the story. > I can't belive you worked for hell all along......" Rick [Toshi]: What can I say? I'm a bad guy. I do bad things. And besides which, it sure beats working retail. > Toshi smiled and sayed "I only work for those with the most > money......... Tsuneo: Spoken like a true professional sportsman! > Don't be afool." > Issie sayed "I still think they's some goodness in you......You > just wanna hide it" Rick: Where's he pulling this from? Toshi's been nothing but obnoxious since he showed up. Dan: Is it Toshi or is it PJ? You be the judge. > Jezeble then took out a needle and stuck in it Issei arms. Blood > wentinto it and Issei yelled in pain! She then took his blood and pours it > into a cup which filled it halfway. > "Thuis should be enough to bring Satan back to live!!! > hahahahahaha!~!!" Jezebl laughed as she ran out the dungon in > happiness..... "KILL him when you get the chance but make him suffer" she > sayed to Toshi. Rick: Oh there she goes. Classic villain mistake #2. Leaving the hero to be killed by an untrustworthy underling after telling him all your plans. Dan: And number #1 is? Rick: Leaving him alone and unguarded in an elaborate yet easily escapable death trap. > Toshi then sayed "With plaesure!!!" and picked up /the whips and began > slashing Issei with them. Rebecca: Actually, Issei might enjoy this. > Just then Shinji ran in with a gun in his hand > a dns a smile on his face. Tsuneo: I see Shinji's medication is kicking in. > He yeeled out "TOSHI YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!! Rick: You ever notice that Issei's typing gets better when he's in Caps Lock? > and shot im three times in the heart. Dan: See? Just like what happened to PJ. > He then shot the locks off of Issei channs Rick: Since when did Shinji become a crack shot? > and hugged and kissed him. "Issei I thought you would be dead for > sure!!!" > Just then Toshi craoekd on the ground "Issei.....Shinji......Take care > of each other and run.....You.....MUST....stop......Jezebl! NOW RUN!!!" Tsuneo: You got shot in the heart, Toshi! You don't get time for a last dying gasp! > "I knew you were a good one Tshi...." Issei sayed and smiled. > Toshi smiled back and saayed "Thank you Shinji.....Now I have seen the > errers of my ways!! I hope God can forgive me for what I have done....NOw run! Rebecca: Toshi's taking ages to cark it. > You must stop her before she brings the devil back to life. Merge the sword of > Power Rick: TM. > with the orbs. Get them and you can destory ANYTHING!" Tsuneo: Oh, great. Just make the brat even *more* powerful. > Just then he turned over and died. Rebecca: Notice how they always say something vital before they die. Dan: See! It was PJ after all! > Issei smiled at Shinji and sayed "Ready to go???" They then kissed and > held hands as they ran into the darkness of the hallway. Rick: As long as they're not skipping, I'm happy. > *********************** > Jezeble threw her hadnds in the air and sayed "ORBS OF POWER!!! MERGE > WITH THE BLOOD OF THE 18th ANGEL CHILD AND BRING BACK THE LORD OF > DARKNESS!!! COME NOW AND BRING HIM BACK!! SOME!!!" All: Some? Rick: What kind of a chant is that? "Orbs of power, yada yada yada, some?" Tsuneo: A really, really lame one. > The four orbs spun around her and grew even bigger and then all of a > sudden the blood began to boil and take shape. Then the cup fell out of > her hand and ontro the florr. Dan: [Jezebel] Whoops! Just as long as I don't have to clean that up. > The orbs sent a light on the blood and it > suddenly grew and There he was! THE DEVIL WAS BACK TO LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > The devil came outy Rebecca: Yeah, we knew that. Thanks. > of the shadows and laughed "hahahahaha!! Back to where > it started!! tahnk you my wife!!!" Then he took out the sword of evil Rick: TM. And I've been waiting all fic for that one. > and spun it around. Dan; Whoosh, whoosh, hack! Thump! Whoops. Rebecca: [Jezebel] Damn. Now I'm going to have to bring him back to life *again.* > "Just like I sayed I bought you back to life!!! Now we will rule over the > unisverse together!!!" > "Hahahaha!!! Yes my love!!" Then he embarced his love and kissed her. Dan: [Jezebel] Ah, I was just jerking Death around all this time. Rick: [Devil] Me too with Gendo, honey. > "Stay were you are!!!" sayed Death and she flew in wearing her black robe > again Rebecca: So when did she change out of it? > and holding her scyth. "Are yiou ready to die again Devil?!?" Tsuneo: [Devil] Already? I just came back to life! > Sastan laughed and sayed "hahaha! Don't think do girl...... Rick: "Don't think do girl?" Is that a motto for an exercise program or something? > Jezeble will you take care of our little guest?!" > Jezebel nodded and sayed "Last chance..............Will you take me up on > my old offer?!?" Rebecca: [Death] Well... Can I keep the pen? > "NEVER!!!!!" sayed Death as she charged towad her with her scyth. > Jezeble took out her sword Tsuneo: *Everyone's* a master swordsman here. > and they clashes, then Jebezel kicked Death away, but > Death turned ariound and came back with a punch the the face. Rick: Ah, come on! I'm dying to yell out "boot to the head." > Jezebel then > started floating in the air and threw a hude blue fireball at Death Dan: Disco fighting! > but she dodged > it by floating in the air to and she hurled a flame from her scyth. Jezebel sent it > away by waving hwer arms. Rebecca: [Jezebel] Go away, naughty fireball! > "hahahaha!!" sayed Jzebel "You had the chance to live but now you > DIE!!!!" Dan: Well of course, the question is can Death die? Rick: Oh, will you look at that? A maniacal laugh, a dumb threat and lots of exclamation marks. She'll be dead in two paragraphs. Rebecca: See ya, Jez. Tsuneo: I'd say it was nice knowing you, but hey. > "IN YOUR DREAYMS BITCH!!!!!" she sayed as sje drew her scyth in > the heavens and a force beam of light came out and struck as Jezeble. Tsuneo: "Struck as Jezebel?" So the beam of light looked like the devil's wife? > Jezebel grabbed at her chest Rebecca: Uh, Jez? I don't think this is the right time or place for that. > where she started bleeding and yeeled > "AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" A spurt of blood poped out and went all over the walls. Dan: Psssht, in slow motion! > Death floated down to her and cut off her haed, killing her. Jezebels last > workds were......... "I looooooooved.....YOOOOOOOOU!!!!" Rick: In two paragraphs precisely. Told you. Tsuneo: Alas poor dickweed. I knew her well. > "JEZEBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" cryed out Death All: ADRIAN! > "No my love.....YOU!!!!" hwe snarled at Death and slaped her across the > face. Rick: Oh, oh, yeah. That's a really vicious retaliation there. Rebecca: [Lisping] I'll give you thuch a thlap! > "Watch your mouth Devil!! you never loved her so don't partened!" sayed > a voice. Tsuneo: I don't think anyone could "partened." > Then came out Issei with shinji behind him. Rebecca: But didn't they do that ages ago? Rick: Maybe they went back in. Tsuneo: Say, where did Asuka, Rei and Misato get to? Dan: Hmm... [He grins goofily.] > "YOU!!!" Devil sayed as he took out the sword of evil. Rick: Ah, I can't be bothered anymore. From now on, consider all Swords of Power and Swords of Evil properly TMed. > "are you ready to settel the old score?!?!?" All: SOME! Rick: [Issei] Um... no? Dan: [Devil] Oh. Okay, then. Let's all have ice cream! > "ANYTIME DEVIL!!!" Then Issei drew his sword Power and ran at Satan while > saying "I'll kill youm AGAIN!!!" Tsuneo: Bump him dead! > but the devil went to the side and pushed Issei > to the floor. and kicked his face into the ground [They all cheer wildly.] Rebecca: This scene is so gripping because of how much we care for the characters. > "Hahahahaha!!!" sayed the devilo "You are NOTHING!! Now watch as aI > destory all of HEAVEN AND HELL!!! Nothing will remains!!!" Rebecca: Dead. Dan: Dead. Tsuneo: Dead. Rick: I mean, you'd think after seeing all his minions and his wife do the same thing, he'd wise up to that? But nooo! Dan: How long for this one? Rick: Can't tell. It's the epic conclushun - er, conclusion. Tsuneo: Man, the fic's getting to us. > The devil then raised his arms inthe air and he grew huge. All: Im huge! > His body and > haed went through the seeling and cruming his castle to peaces. He walked out > into the distance and started laughing and destorying buildings..... Tsuneo: In a cardboardy, Power Rangers kind of a way. > Tyhen Issei > say something! The devil still had the Sword of Power in hishand!!!!! Issei gasp. Dan: Uh, when did he grab the Sword of Power? Rebecca: He just *has* it, okay? > Issei then put his hands on the side of his head and cruied "EVA-2!!!! > COME SAVE US!!!!!" Then Eva-2 came ouyt Rick; Holy crap! Rebecca: *Everyone's* doing it! Tsuneo: I expect unit 01 to sue for sexual harassment any minute now. > from the sky and fell beside the castle. All: TOGG! Dan: Well, that worked! > Issei began flying over to the giant robot and go inside the entery plug. Then > he cryed out "Lets kill him once and for all!!!!!" All: SOME! Tsuneo: Or at least until Issei writes the next sequel. Rebecca: [Rei] Guess we're not in this scene after all. Rick: [Asuka] Guess so. Popcorn? > But the devil leaped on EVA 2 and clawed at his eyes then beat him on the > head and kicked him in the stomach again again AGAIN!! He then punched him in > the face and tackled him. Satan was on top of the Eva now and he bet him up > good! he was tesaring into the meta;l now and was trying to tear nit apart! Tsuneo: You're really doing a lot here, Issei. Dan: It's a pity EVA-02 doesn't have a gun, otherwise the devil would have exploded by now. > He then took out the swordof evil Rick: Oh, so he's got both the Sword of Power and the Sword of Evil? Dan: Just as long as he doesn't have the Sword of Light, the Long Sword of Honour, the Sword of Omens, the Magic Blade of Mobius... > and stabbed EVA-2 in the chest which shut it diown. Rebecca: [Issei] Crap. So much for this EVA. > The devil laughed "hahahahahahaha!!! Your no match for me boy!!!!!!" > Then Auska, Shinji, Mistao, and Rei Rick: Oh, that's where they were. You know, just... Off. > came out of the castle Rebecca: Hastily adjusting their clothes as they went. Dan: [Misato] It's not like we had anything important to do around here. > and and > sayed "We have to help Issei!!!! Cry out to the Orbs of Power!!!" They looked at > Death and Death nodded and sayed "Do it before he gets hisself killed!!" Dan: [Misato] Magical plot exposition power! > "ORB OF EARTH!!!!!" > "ORB OF WIND!!!!!!" > "ORB OF FIRE!!!!!!!!" > "ORB OF WATER!!!!!!!" Rick: ORB OF LINT! Dan: ORB OF NERF! Rebecca: ORB OF SOCK! Tsuneo: ORB OF INCREDIBLY STUPID PLOT CONTRIVANCE! > Then the four orbs came out of the Devil's sword Tsuneo: Since when were they in the Devil's sword? Rick: Since... Since! > and went into Issei's hands and a giant SWORD OF POWERwas there. Rebecca: Hoody-hoo! Rick: The big daddy of all TMs. Dan: The Hackmaster +12! > It glowed in the hellfire and then > EVA-2's eyes glowed green and its mouth opened Tsuneo: What mouth? > and it growled. Then all of its > armor shed off and it learped into the air. It was now back to bweing an angel Tsuneo: That's it. The Evangelions are not, and never were angels! They are artificial creations that are partially human and partially angel! Especially not Unit 02, which doesn't even have a soul! It's even less likely to make the totally implausible jump from EVA to Angel than EVA-01 or EVA-00! The best it could hope for is to awaken like EVA-01 did when fighting Zeruel, and even that's highly improbable! [He pauses for breath.] Rebecca: Nice rant. I know you've been wanting to explode all fic. Tsuneo: I feel much better now. > and it was pissed. Dan: Now that must have taken a lot of booze! > It then took out the Sword of Power and struck at the devil. The two swords > clashed and Eva-2 cut at the devil's neck. The devil pissed Dan: Yes, but is this *quite* the right time? Rebecca: Well, when you've gotta go, you've gotta go. Rick: And then he turned into a giant cicada. Rebecca: Now *that's* obscure. > and sayed "Hahaha! > You are nothing without your amror!" Then Satan got out his sword and cut Eva-2's > arm off. But Eva-2 swung around and cut off the devil;'s leg. Rick: Now this is getting silly. Rebecca: Last one with a limb wins! Tsuneo: I'll cut your fats out, don't you believe it! > Then the two of them JUMPED away and struck they fighting poses. Dan: And the Devil fell over. Rick: [Nelson] Ha-ha! > With a yell they both charged Rebecca: Well, one charged and one hopped. > and turned there swords to each other and stabbed each other. All: WA-TAK! > Both eva2 and the devil screamed in pain as the blood went everywhere. Rick: I hope everyone on the ground had their raincoats on. Dan: That was tasteless. But funny, nonetheless. > They swords had went into each others hearts and was killing both of them. > "FOOL!!!!" sayed the devil Tsuneo: How can he? He's already dead. > "If you kill me you will die too!!!" > Issei then sayed "I"M WILLING TO TAKE THAT RISK!!!!!" Rebecca: [Issei] Especially since it's the EVA, not me, that's been run through with a sword. You suck. > "THEN I"LL SEE YOU IN THE HELLSTORM ISSEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" > Issei turned the sword into the Devil's heart making his insides fall to the > ground with a huge splatter and a tital wave of blood. Dan: [Devil] Urk... So much for that... Incarnation. Tsuneo: [Devil] How can you use my intestines as a gift? Rick: That's an awful big puddle of his own gore. > The devil feel down daed and > so did Eva-2. Issei jumped out the entrey plug and flew awayt to saefety as both of > them self destucted Tsuneo: [EVA-02] I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. > "Good bye my friend" issei sayed as he flew away and landed in Shinji's arms. > "Lets go home sayed shinji crying. Rebecca: [Asuka] Never mind you, that was MY EVA! WA-TAK! > *********************** > Death issei Rick: Death Issei? Rebecca: Maybe now Issei is death too. Dan: Either that, or he's just given himself a badly spelt promotion to Dark Lord of the Sith. > and Shinji were standing by the lake as they talked. It had been > one day since ther final battle between heaven and hell Dan: And they were still mopping up the blood. > and they knew none of them would see each other again. Tsuneo: So Issei and Shinji are never going to see each other again? All: Woo-Hoo! > "Issei I am setting up the barrair between heaven and hell and THIS time, > nothing will be able to go through it. Dan: Of course, why you didn't do that before is anyone's guess. > Heaven will be safe again and you will always be its guardian." All: We're doomed. > "Will we ever see you again Death?" sayed Issei holding back his taers > "No....................." sayed Death "But before I go let me do something...." Rebecca: Take that how you will. Tsuneo: [Death] I've sharpened my scythe especially for this one. > Issei was going to say what but Death leaned over and kissed him > pasionatly on the lip. Dan: Ah, man! The little brat's getting lucky! > Issei hugged her and kissed her back and both of them began > to cry. Shinji went SD and sayed "WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING!!!!!" Rick: Figure it, kid. Rebecca: It's not Issei! It's Oliver Massao! Dan: And if *anyone* gets that... > once they > finished kissing Issei took out his hammer and smashed Shinji on the head and > laughed and sayed "BAKA!!!!!" Then they all laughed and it felt good. Rick: Even Shinji, reduced to a grease stain and all? > "Take this......." death gave to the two boys a medalion. "If you keep this I will always be with you............" Rebecca: One of those standard tokenistic things. Rick: On the other hand, it'll come in handy if you're attacked by the Red-Eye. > Issei took it and sayed "We will miss you Death. > "You will be in my heart" Tsuneo: Of course, with the traditional depiction of death, that's a rather hollow thought. > Death sayed as she disapppeared in a flash of light. > Shinji smiled up at Issei and issei did the same. "Our job is finally > done.......Now you ready to snuyggle up in our house ALONE?!?" Dan: We don't really need to see this, do we? > Then Woodie poped out of the house and sayed "hahahahahha!!! YOU > GUYSSSSSS WISSSSSH!!! Guesssssss who just moved in." Rick: [Seinfeld] Hello, Woodie. > Then both Shinji and Issei > grabbed HUGE hammers and bashed Woodie and sent him into space. All: Wah, wah, waaah. > "BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they screamed. Rick: Oh look. Issei knows fanboy Japanese. Tsuneo: Now if only he knew everyday English. > The end [They all cheer wildly.] > AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!! All: ShoooooooooW! > As mush as I love writing new Hellstorm fanfics....this > will be the last one. Rick: And this is a bad thing... because? > I'm really sorry. Buit I don't think I can continue this any more. Tsuneo: I know I can't. Dan: I guess his mum found out after all. Rick: Nah, his right hand's just getting tired. > But still I hope you liked this final chapter to this amazing > sseries.... Tsuneo: Amazing is hardly the word. > I will keep writing fics. Rick: Oh, come on! Haven't we been tortured enough? > I may write a LEMON (I always WANTED to write one.......) [Tsuneo falls off the couch in a dead faint.] Dan: O_o Oh please, no... Rick: Please, take me now. Rebecca: No way. Not even I'm that sick. Voice: No chance. If he does, you're safe from it, guys. Rick: [Looks up] Thank you, God. Dan: Say, if he did write a lemon, could you tell? > but I don't know who will be in it....HMMMMMM.... Rebecca: Please, let's not go there. > Oh, yes, I know the ending was REALLY silly Dan: Don't worry, it matched the rest of the fic perfectly. > but you should have seen the old one!!!! MAAAAAAAAN it was deparsing!!! Tsuneo: [Weakly] Whatever that means... [Tsuneo climbs back onto the couch.] > - Issei Mataloun [Tsuneo draws a small pistol from under his jacket. He fires it at the TV, which promptly explodes messily and dies in a puddle of its own gore.] Rick: How'd you do that? Tsuneo: I used deadly Issei logic. Dan: That was terrible. Voice: Reviews, please. Tsuneo: It's Hellstorm. What do you want? The characterisation is even worse than the plot, but the typing outstrips both of them. It's an insult to literature! Dan: Well, what I really noticed was that his typing's considerably better this time around. Of course, the story was even worse. That, and he had absolutely zip idea about the characters. I mean, Rei and Asuka sleeping together? Come on! It's a nice thought, but pretty much impossible. Rebecca: I must say that this was possibly the second worst fanfic I have ever read. Basically, there was very little connection with the original show barring a few characters. And even then they were barely recognisable. But the biggest problem for me was the way Issei was happily warping the entire Judeo-Christian mythos to suit his own ends. God as a supporting character? For crying out loud! Even at the heights of his madness Gonterman didn't go that far. Rick: I guess the thing about it that most got me was the way that it was entirely stuff we've seen before. You know, the gloating, the badly-written ultra-violence, everyone dying in puddles of their own gore, that kind of stuff. There was nothing new or original in that fic. And I still want to know where the Slayers stuff was. Dan: Scary. I... I think this bunks Issei up to the second worst of them all. Rebecca: You're right! I mean... not even DJ at his most smarmy could compare to this. Dan: It... It... It was terrible! [He leans over and collapses, sobbing on Rick's shoulder.] Oh, daddy! It hurts! Rick: Now look what you've done. Have you no decency? Voice: Sorry guys. I really didn't think it would be that bad. Rebecca: Yeah, sure. We believe you. Tsuneo: face it, voice. Your reputation on fanfic choices is infamous. Rick: come on. Let's get out of here, before he decides to Issei us some more. [Thry file out, Dan still sobbing.] [The screen goes blank.] Voice: It wasn't *that* bad. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Satellite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "What are you two kidsssssss crazy?!" sayed Woodie "We're on a > misssssssssssssion to kill the devilsssss wife and people may get hurt and > you two are HAPPY?!? You are sssssssychossssss!!"