MSTing No. 5 - back to the old formula. Rebecca fans rejoice! She's back! (I know you're out there, I can smell the popcorn.) Tenchi Muyo! and El Hazard are both copyright Pioneer LDC. Homecomings is copyright Andrew Graham (kaintskr@aol.com). ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. Tsuneo is at the desk, using the PC.] [Dan and Rick enter, arguing loudly.] Dan: It wasn't! Rick: Look,, it was! Dan: As if! Rick: Serious! Dan: Look, what would Margaret Thatcher be doing walking down the street in the middle of the night waving around a bottle of vodka and singing 'If I Ruled the World?' Tsuneo: Yeah, yeah. Can it, you guys. Fan mail's in. Dan: [Leans on back of Tsuneo's chair] Cool. Do they love me, or what? Rick: [Comes up behind Tsuneo] What. Tsuneo: Here goes, guys. First ones are from Naia on our recent stories. Here's what she thought of Chaos in Time part 2. > You're very silly. Must be all the rabid kangaroos down there... > This other one started slowly, but got sillier later. > And it all answers the question of what to do with used RPG > characters... Do more silly stories stuff to torture them! Rick: RPG characters? Dan: I don't know what she's going on about either. Rick: And what's this about the kangaroos? Tsuneo: [Ignoring them] She had this to say about Surreptitious Encounters: > Does a story like that even need to be parodied? All: YES! > Oh well, I guess > it's a good effort anyway, even if most of the comments are too easy. > Do those guys ever run out of cushions? Rick: No, we just recycle them. [Authour's note: It just gets too cluttered if I say 'they pick up their cushions again' after each volley. Rick: Finished? Authour's note: Oops, sorry.] Tsuneo: [Still ignoring them] And on Changes: > Worrisome story... Especially the way people keep getting all broken > up and fireballed and such, then just get up and feel fine. And the > whole story's just full of sadism... Of course, being based on a game, I > guess some of that stuff's expected, eh? Still pretty sad, though... Dan: I thought so too. Just waaay unrealistic. > And once again I feel glad not to be trapped in that reviewing room > with them. Should I feel sorry for Dan and Tsuneo? They're the only ones > who haven't had a break yet. Maybe you should let them have a story off. Tsuneo: Please? Dan: Pretty please? Voice: Not yet. Dan: We'll be good! Rick: Hey, what's this 'Changes' thing anyway? Tsuneo: We got to do a Street Fighter fanfic while you were on strike. Rick: Pain. Tsuneo: Thanks for your comments and support, Naia! Dan: Yeah! And you managed to make Chaos in Time less painfull than it otherwise could have been. Rick: Is that it? Tsuneo: No, we've got another one from Mike Surbrook, after reading Chaos part 2. > Y'know, I just about died when I read this: > Tsuneo: [Serena] Fanfic! [Normal] Sorry. > Rebecca: [Serena] Set of clothes! [Normal] Sorry. > Rick: Man, she's beginning to sound like Marta. > Dan: Don't make that sound like an insult! Marta's a damned fine person! > She's cool! > Rick: [Whispering to Rebecca] Should we tell him? > Rebecca: [Whispering to Rick] It'll just blow his brain. Dan: Tell me what? Rick: Oh, nothing. > Man, I'm becoming famoous! (or, at least, Marta is). > Seriosuly, if you want to read some actual marta stories (esp one Dan > would love) go to my website (see below) and follow the link to the Hero > World Books and then to Kazei Five. At the bottom of the page are a > number of stories from the campaign. "The Price of Business" is one of > the best (I wrote it) and stars Marta kicking some serious butt. You can > MST it if you want... (that would be... odd). Rick: MST it? Dan: Great! Can you go get that one for us? Voice: Maybe later... > Oh, and visit the art gallery to get some more Marta pics and all. Dan: Cool! Tsuneo: I forsee great pain. > Oh: > Rick: [Flight controller] Four scouts and one man in dumb costume clear to > land on runway two-nine. > Tsuneo: [Ditto] Watch out for burning Atomic Fireflash plane and > Thunderbird > One. > Rick: Gee, about two people got that one. > Make that three. I don't know the Atomic Fireflash plane, but I do > remember (vaugely) "Thunderbirds are Go!" Rick: The atomic fireflash was in Thunderbirds episode one. And it's always runway 29 they use. Dan: Fanboy! > Finally, all these Dark Tower bits and not one mention of Stephen King's > Gunslinger series? (Well, if you haven't read them, it's hard to mention > 'em). Rick: Very true. Tsuneo: Thanks for your support, Mike! It means a lot to know that we've got SOME backing. Rick: Now I suppose it's fic time, right? Voice: Not quite... we're just waiting on one more person. All: [Groans] Dan: Can we get someone without an attitude problem this time? [Door opens. Rebecca walks in wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt that shows her cyberenetic left arm, as well as jeans and sunglasses. She has a good tan.] Rebecca: I'll take that as a compliment. Rick: Where have you been? Rebecca: To see my stylist. Dan: WHAT? Rebecca: Whose shop is in Honululu. Dan: Why you... to think, that we've been here watching horrid fics while you were... Voice: Cool it, Dan. Tsuneo: Yeah, ease off. Hey, can we have a holiday sometime? Voice: Hmm... Maybe. Tsuneo: Swell. Voice: If you don't mind? [They all file over to the couches and sit down - Dan and Rick grab the forwards facing couch, and Rebecca and Tsuneo sit on the other one. Rebecca is closest to the TV, and Rick is closest to Tsuneo.] Rebecca: If the worst comes to the worst, I've bought with me some in flight magazines. Dan: I'll take the fic, thank you very much. Voice: Today we've got another crossover- All: [Groans] Voice: -Between Tenchi Muyo!- Rick & Rebecca: [Make gagging noises] Voice: -And El Hazard. Tsuneo: Is it the TV version? Voice: No. Tsuneo: Yes! Hooray! Rebecca: [Mutters] Voice: Here goes... [The TV screen lights up] > Homecomings > A Tenchi Muyo/El Hazard crossover Rick: Dumb and dumber. Rebecca: I'll just take the Eye of God now and save myself the pain. Rick: What's the bet that the Eye of God turns out to be a Washu invention? Tsuneo: We can't have a bet if we all agree. > By Kain The Seeker Tsuneo: So that's what the Temple of Nod is for! Distrubting fanfics! Rick: About three people got that one. > Aka Andrew Graham (kaintskr@aol.com) > CoAuthored/Plotted/Conived by Deunan (deunan@aol.com) Rick: Oh, boy. Yet another person who thinks they're an anime babe. Rebecca: Yet another two good reasons to get rid of AOL. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > CMA Disclaimer: All characters are the respective property of the owners, > Original characters are mine Dan: They're mine! Mine, mine, you here me, mine! Rick: And you can keep them! > (or Deunan's). Actions of all characters are not > by my hand/or fault. (Blame the MUSE! I do!) :-} Tsuneo: Curse you forever, Malahelicon! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Afura Man Rick: Afro Man! Rebecca: Strange hairstyle from another decade! > floated up Tsuneo: What's she been on? Rebecca: And where can I get some? > to the Eye of God and landed gently at the edge of the > platform. She hadn't been up here since that day, Rebecca: And what a day that was! Dan: I'm not sure how to take that one. Rick: I'm sure glad you weren't here for Surreptitious Encounters. > six months ago when the war > with the Bugrom ended. The day Ifurita had been banished across space and > time. The day he started dying bit by bit without her. Tsuneo: Whoops! There goes his ear! Dan: That was sick! > Makoto didn't even notice as she landed, he was concentrating on a section of > the book that he had taken from the Royal Archives. Nearby was Ifurita's > staff Key. He looked frustrated as she approached, tossing the book aside. Dan: Watch where that goes, it's a long way down. Rick: And I don't think you could live with the library fines. > "I was so sure," Tsuneo: [Makoto] That I could find a way out of this crappy fic. Rick: You're starting early. > he muttered as he picked up the Staff Key Rebecca: Make up your mind - is it a staff or a key? Dan: It's a key that's a staff. Tsuneo: It's a staff that's a key. Rebecca: [Sarcastically] I'm so glad I asked. > and walked over to pick the book, Rebecca: Big choice: one book. > "I'm so close, I know it." He noticed Afura Man as he turned. > "You here to bring me back to the palace, Afura?" Tsuneo: [Afura] No, I'm taking you to Disneyland. Of course I'm dragging you back, twit. > "No, Makoto. The princesses' didn't send me, I came on my own. To see how you > were doing. Rebecca: [Makoto] I'm sitting here, moping, muttering to myself- Tsuneo: Throwing away priceless books! Rebecca: [Makoto] -Throwing away priceless books and my ear's just dropped off. Fine. How are you? > Everyone is worried about you. You don't sleep, you don't eat and > you've pulled back from everyone that cares for you." Rebecca: In other words, he's turning into a normal teenager. Dan: I think we'll let that ear one drop. [Rick whacks him with a cushion.] > He turned away and > looked at the surface of the immense artificial moon that he stood on. > Trying to put the feelings into simple words was the hardest thing that he > had ever done. Rebecca: No, walking around in front of everyone, especially his teacher, girlfriend and arc rival, in drag was the hardest thing he'd ever done. This is a sinch! > "Afura, have you ever loved someone so much you can't get out them out of > your mind? I see her ever time I close my eyes, gliding down that shaft Rebecca: Um... Should we be reading this? > and > knowing that she will waiting for me before I ever met her. 10,000 years > worth of waiting. She might not be able to survive past the time that she > sends me back here." Tsuneo: This is slipping into what we call obsession. Rick: I'm slipping into what we call a coma. > He closed his eyes and pushed the pain back down Rick: Down pain! Back! Down! Dan: [Makes whip cracking noise] > deep > before continuing "I'm afraid that she won't recognize me when I finally get > back." Tsuneo: Back to the future! > Afura sighed and turned him to face her. "You love her more than I have ever > seen anyone love before Makoto. Tsuneo: Well, how many people have you seen love in front of him? Rebecca: More than even- [Rick gives her an evil glare] Never mind. > You will find her." Rick: If you build it, she will come. > She took his hand and > walked him away from the platform," If you don't kill yourself in the > process. Come on, when was the last time you ate?" Rick: [Rimmer] You ate only seventeen hours ago! > "I.... I can't remember." Makoto replied quietly, the fight and fire had gone > out of him, Dan: Due to timely aplication of a bucket of water. > exhausted if she was any judge of things. > "Well, as a friend, I won't let you work another minute without some food and > rest first." Tsuneo: If you were a friend, you'd fly him out of this fanfic! -------------- > Elsewhere, a world away....... Rick: Four people were sitting down to a fanfic, unaware of the cruel fate in store for them. > Ayeka closed the large text book Dan: Ayeka's a teacher? > startling the concentrating Tenchi. Sasami who was watching nearby, giggled Tsuneo: I think I'm going to hurl. Rick: After Surreptitious Encounters, I don't think I can take any more of Sasami. > at watching him jump. "We're done already?" > Tenchi wondered. For the past couple of weeks, he was being tutored on his > Jurai heritage. So far the tutoring sessions only concentrated on the Royal > Language. It was beginning to gnaw on him that nothing, so far, ever delved > into Jurai's history. Tsuneo: This is going to be painful. Rick: What do you mean? Tsuneo: It's pretty obvious right here that the authour's going to make up Jurai's history for them. And if this is a crossover... > "I know it's been bothering you that we haven't gone into any of our history, > Lord Tenchi. Rebecca: [Ayeka] Because I can read your mind. Rick: [Ayeka] Because I've been busy making it up. > But I wanted you to learn enough of the Royal language to at > least understand part of this...," Dan: I knew I was missing something! This fanfic's in another language! Rebecca: [Ayeka] I Believe it goes: 'your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!' > The princess trailed off trying to find > the right human words for it, Tsuneo: Nuh-uh. Does this authour understand the term 'universal translator?' Rick: By the way, wouldn't it have been better to say 'Japanese' rather than 'human?' > "This...song?" Tenchi watched as a strange > emotion flickered across her's and Sasami's face. "It embodies Jurai > itself." Dan: This ain't right. Rick: For starters, emotion is right out! Dan: No, serious. This is too dry. Rick: Too true. Something should have exploded by now. Tsuneo: And no-one's hanging off Makoto yet. > The song began softly in the royal language of Jurai seemingly penetrating > and surrounding his very essence at the same time. He was mesmerized like a > sirens call, yet not understanding all of the words. So beautiful and yet > very sad at the same time, his heart seemed torn. Then he saw..... Rick: Four people sitting down and laughing at him! Rebecca: A bright light. Dan: The light at the end of the tunnel. Tsuneo: At this rate, it was an oncoming train. > A world beautiful and at peace with a civilization that spread almost to the > heavens. Then images of a brutal senseless war encompassing all. Children > turning to men on the battlefield. Tsuneo: That's one hell of a long battle! > Bodies strewn across entire landscapes. > Then a man. His face hard and cold looking down upon a city. Tears mixed > with blood Rick: See your optometrist. > as he thrust his clenched fists towards the sky. Then ebony > flames consuming all..... Tsuneo: Er, flames can't be black. Rick: Ssh. > "Tenchi?" Sasami shook him gently out of the trance. > "Oh, sorry." He whispered as Ayeka finished the song on one last mournful > note. Sasami wiped a tear from her eye. He wasn't far from one himself. Tsuneo: Actually, he's got two of them, but never mind. > "That was beautiful," he said. Ayeka gave him a wry smile. Tsuneo: [Ayeka] No, it's a fanfic. I'm beautiful! Cretin. Rebecca: [Ayeka] And a bit later I'll show you something else rather attreactive, eh? Rick: Naughty girl. > "Thank you. I apologize for my lack of skill, but Funaho is the true singer > of the family." Dan: [Laughing] I sure hope she doesn't mean the tree! > "What was the song about?" Dan: [Ayeka] A war, idiot. Pay attention! Tsuneo: [Ayeka] A made-up history in a crappy fanfic. > He asked even as the images of his vision seemed > to slowly slip away, Rick: [Moariarty] There goes one now! > "I still don't understand enough to make it out." > "It is about how the Lost Clans came to Jurai, Rick: The Wolverines, the Widowmakers and the Mongoose. Rebecca: No-one's going to get that one! > over 10,000 years ago. We, our > forebears, were at war with a great evil. Tsuneo: Would that be... the great war? Rick: No, just a crappy fanfic. Tsuneo: Hey! > Finally, they were forced to use a > weapon of the greatest power to turn the tide." All: The Eye of God, we know. Tsuneo: See? > Ayeka sat on the grass beside Tenchi, Rick: Eh? Dan: What? Rebecca: Huh? Tsuneo: Why is he describing the scene now? > "a few of those people stood their ground against the enemy, to buy > the time that the others needed to make the Great Weapon Rick: The great weapon, envy of men everywhere! Rebecca: That was my line! > ready. When it was > unleased, they expected to die. Instead, they were banished from their > homeworld and found themselves stranded on what would one day be called the > planet Jurai." Tsuneo: And the Eye of God is going to malfunction, combined with one of Washu's experiments going nuts, and hurl them all into El Hazard. Rick: Boom tiddy boom the end. Dan: Okay, we've seen the end of the fic. Can we go now? Voice: No. > "Which means 'haven' in our ancestor's native tongue." Sasami added as she > unpacked the lunch she had brought. > "Exactly, Sasami. We were given a second chance at life, Rick: [Blowfeld] You only live twice, Mr. Bond. > on a world that was > fertile and peaceful. Our ancestors eventually lost hope at ever getting back > home and instead set about making Juria our home. Tsuneo: Until they moved to Jurai. > Very few reminders of the > Time of the Beginning remain. You have one of them. The Master Key. Rebecca: Which is probably in some way related to the Staff Key. Of course. Rick: And the Eye of God! Don't forget that! Rebecca: And the dimensional bomb. Tsuneo: Just what we need right now. Rick: And the Easter Island statues. Rebecca: And Elvis. > The other is our traditions and stories of that time. Tsuneo: Which were all made up for the point of this fic. > "What does the last bit mean, Aeyeka?" He couldn't get that last mournful > verse from his mind. Tsuneo: I'm going to have a hard time getting this fic from my mind. > "The song ends like this... 'When will we return, when will the clans be > reunited, when will our hearts again be whole." Dan: So why is that sung mournfully? Rebecca: Because the authour's a pretentious, dark, wan- Rick: We get the picture. ------ > Sheyla ran through the halls of the palace. -Afura, you little weasel > bringing Makoto down and not even telling me.- Rebecca: [Sheyla] Yeah! It's my turn with him! Dan: [Sheyla] You've still got to pay me for the rental! > She finally arrived at the palace kitchen. Dan: If she was looking for him, why try the kitchen? Rick: The way to a man's heart... Rebecca: Is through the ribcage, we know. > Carefully, she put her ear to the door listening for > anything. Nothing. She opened the door to find Makoto sitting alone at a > table staring into a goblet. Dan: [Makoto] Oh look! There's Waldo! Rebecca: [Sheyla] Damn! There's only the two of us. I'll have to impro- [Tsuneo whacks her with a cushion. She whacks him back harder.] Tsuneo: Hey! What was that for? Rebecca: You hit me first! Tsuneo: You deserved it! Dan: They're such children. > "Makoto?" She asked tentatively. Tsuneo: [Makoto] No, I'm the Easter Bunny. > He seemingly took no notice and downed the > entire contents in one swift stroke. Setting the goblet back down, he > refilled it. Tsuneo: Set it back down while refilling it? Dan: Refilled it by putting it down? > "Heh, Sheyla." He whispered. "Now I can see why you and Fuji-sensei drink > this stuff." Tsuneo: [Makoto] Makes me forget I'm in- All: A crappy fanfic. Dan: We know already! > She went to his side and saw four empty jugs of wine. -Oh lord- Tsuneo: Given that he's never touched a drop before, shouldn't he be on Mars by now? > "You'd better ease off the stuff, your going to feel like hell in the > morning." Dan: [Sheyla] And besides, if you're drunk, it's easier to get you to... Drink up, buddy! Rebecca: Stop stealing my lines! Dan: You snooze, you loose! Rebecca: Not fair! Dan: Tough luck! Tsuneo: Maturity, please. > She tried to say it lightly only to choke. Tsuneo: -and die. The end. Rick: Feeling dark today, huh buddy? Tsuneo: So's this fic. I mean, how out of character is this? Makoto's moping, Ayeka's got Tenchi alone and is doing nothing, Afura's worried - The whole setting's out of character. Rick: This makes Surreptitious Encounters look good. > It pained her to see him that way. Rick: A few drinks should fix that, lady. Dan: ie, with clothes on. Rebecca: Stop that! > A bitter chuckled worked its way to his lips. Dan: [Small voice] Let me out! Let me out! > "I don't care," he said slightly slurred. Rick: I'm not pisshed! > He held up the goblet to his eyes > swishing around the red liquid. Tsuneo: Shall I bother pointing out how gothic and vampire-esque this whole scene is? Others: We know! > "I still see her you know...," Rick: [Makoto] Usually after eating those special mushrooms. Dan: [Makoto] I've got a poster on my wall. Rebecca: [Makoto] And another _special_ one. Dan: Damn! > he said his > voice trembling on the brink of choking in sobs, "in my dreams Dan: And what dreams! [Rebecca throws a cushion at him.] > just like the > day she left." He rose suddenly and hurled the goblet against the stone wall. > It shattered into a million shiny pieces. Tsuneo: One... two... three... Help me out here, guys. > "and I couldn't save her...and I can't save her now!!" Rick: [Matoko] And now we're all trapped in this crappy fanfic! [Tsuneo whacks him with a cushion repeatedly.] Tsuneo: Cut that out! That's mine! Rebecca: Your only one. > Sheyla stepped back startled at the force of his words. Rick: Wow. Heavy language. > "No, you can't > believe that. YOU PROMISED TO FIND HER," She said almost in disbelief at > Makoto's words. Rick: The ones that just hit her. > She had never seen him lose faith, even in the darkest hours > of the war. It scared her to see him like this. He took several breaths. He > looked up at Sheyla tears coursing down his face. Rebecca: [Sheyla] Come on! Cheer up. I'll take you back to my room and show you some 'meditation techniques.' Dan: That was totally innapropriate and poorly done. Damn you. Rick: So's the characterisation in this fic. > "I know." He said hoarsely. His body was wracked by sobs, and he collapsed > in a ball. Tsuneo: [Makoto] Ow! Who left this ball here? > Sheyla rushed to his side holding him in her arms. All: [Stunned silence] Tsuneo: [Slowly] So... she rushed to his side... while holding him in her arms... right? Rick: Right. > He cried into her shoulder, Dan: I didn't know there was a hole there! > and she held him gently rocking him and stroking his hair. > Eventually, the tears stopped and sl All: Sl? Rick: About the most intelligent thing in this fic so far. Tsuneo: Where's the humour? Rebecca: The same place as the authour's talent. Dan: Curse you, Mally. > Sheyla looked down at the boy, no man, Dan: He's in high school. He's a boy all right. Rick: Tenchi was 'just a boy,' remember? Tsuneo: Ugh! Don't remind me! > that slept fitfully in her lap. She > wondered why he had started drinking. Tsuneo: Because the authour couldn;t get his character right with an instruction manual? Rick: To forget he's caught in a- Dan: Done that. > The answer came to her easily, she had > used alcohol for it enough times. -To keep the memories away, I'll bet.- > She wished she could talk to someone about this. Everyone had been out of > the palace attending to some duties or another. Afura, she flew back to Mount > Muldoon to check the shrine. Miz and Fugisawa Tsuneo: Should I bother to pick the spelling? Dan: Save your breath, you're going to need it. > were off planning their wedding > , and Nanami had been hiding away in her room for a week now. Alliele was > moping about the palace, while Fatora was out on some royal tour. Dan: Wow. He managed to get all the remaining characters out of character in one paragraph. Rick: I'm impressed. Tsuneo: Is there such a thing as anti-talent? Rebecca: You're looking at it, buddy. > -Not to long ago, I would have killed to hold you like this Makoto,- Rick: Killed who? Tsuneo: The writer maybe? Rebecca: How about the Voice who keeps sending us these things? Voice: [Gulp] Rick: Hey! You said you'd send me better fanfics! Voice: No, I said I'd send you better fanfics when I found some. Dan: You walked into that one, buddy. > she silently told him as she ran a hand through his hair, Tsuneo: How can she tell him silently when he's asleep? Rebecca: Write a note on the back of his hand. He'll get it sooner or later. [Dan examines the backs of his hands.] > -Now, all I want is to Dan: Nope. Nu-uh. Not even I'm touching that one. Rebecca: Besides which, do they have whipped cream and hamsters in El Hazard? Dan: Naughty girl! [Throws a cushion at her.] > see the pain leave your face for a second even if it had to become my own. Dan: [Sheyla] Even if you had to become my own. Hey! Rebecca: [Sheyla] Right, first thing in the morning, get a whole lot of chains... > It > isn't fair, you saved this world. You deserve a little peace of your own.- All: Nah. > Tears ran down her face at the injustice of it. The pain was almost as bad > her own pain when had she realized that Makoto could never love her. Dan: No matter what she tried. Rebecca: Or how much of her clothes she removed. Dan: Damn you! > "It's just not fair," She whispered to the night, not sure whether she was > eferring Dan: Eferring? > to her situation Rick: Effering situation! > or Makoto's. > Makoto stirred restlessly, trapped in the dreams of the past. Images of > Ifurita, before and after her imprisonment, flittered through his dream > along with the Eye of God. He saw images of the Great War, memories he had > taken from Ifurita when they bonded last, the Time of the Makers as it had > become to be called. Rick: [Deep voice] It was a time of war. It was a time of chaos. It was a time of heroes. It was a time- Tsuneo: To get out of this fic! Rick: Coming soon to a head near you. Rated M. > An age of marvels before the end of the war. The ebony > fires All: FIRES AREN'T BLACK! > of war parted and suddenly their was only one image left in his mind. A > simple object, but one of great power. -The Master Key- Dan: -The Plot Element- Tsuneo: Hey, how do you pronounce those -'s? Rick: Setup alert! > whispered a gentle > voice in his mind. The his dream faded as he fled into a deeper sleep. Tsuneo: Actually, dreams come at the deepest stage of sleep, but- [Gets hailed with cushions.] ----- > Fujisawa examined the door carefully. Rick: [Fujisawa] Yup! It's a door! Rebecca: Something that even he could manage. > Sure, it'd be easy to break it down. When he got sober, of course. Rick: Of course. Being sober's the hard part. > But he didn't really want to intrude. Which he > wasn't, meeting Miz's parents wasn't something that he hadn't wanted to do > sober. Rick: Actually, it was the other way round. Her dad didn't want to meet me sober. > He had stopped by just to check on his student after Miz commented on > the fact that she had left her room much for over a week. Tsuneo: And you're only checking now? Dan: From the man who cares more about his students than anything else? Rick: Except his drink. > "Nanami, we're getting kinda worried. Tsuneo: Only after a week, though. Rebecca: Yeah, we heard. Tsuneo: Sorry, it's just such a big one, that I thought it was worth pointing out twice. > You've been couped up in that room for a couple days now. Rick: I thought she'd been in there for a week! Tsuneo: She has. Rick: But it just said that it was only a couple of days. Rebecca: This is Fujisawa counting, remember? > I've only seen you come out to grab the odd bite to eat. > Is something wrong?" Tsuneo: [Nanami] Yeah! - Rebecca: Give it a rest! Tsuneo: [Nanami] You can't count! Rebecca: ... > He put his ear to the door hoping to hear something, a > hint of what his student was up to. "I'm going to break down this door!!! > Clear out!!!" Rebecca: Multiple exclamation marks are the sure sign of a diseased mind. Tsuneo: At least he got one character right. > He rammed his shoulder against the door, hard. He bounched off > the door and landed clumsily on his rear end. "Gotta lay off the wine," Tsuneo: I gotta start drinking more. Dan: What's wrong with beer? Tsuneo: Do you have any idea wht the worst thing about living on a planet full of Australians is? Dan: No. Tsuneo: I. Hate. Beer. Rick: Ouch. Dan: Pain. > he mumbled rubbing his shoulder. > "Don't come in...." Came Nanami's voice from inside. Tsuneo: [Nanami] I'm busy digging an escape tunnel to get out of this fanfic! Rebecca: That was a good one, so I'll let you off. > "Why?! It's been two days since you came out for food," [Tsuneo opens his mouth to say something. All the others glare at him, and he shuts his mouth and sinks down into the couch looking sheepish.] > He shouted, > concerned for his student. Makoto was the obsessive one, wasting away while > looking for a way to master the Eye of God. Nanami, on the other hand, was > the perverbial salt of the earth. This wasn't like her. Dan: Tell us something we don't already know! > "Umm...CRAMPS!!!" Fujisawa slowly backed away from the door. [All look at Rebecca] Dan: Is this a female thing? Rick: [Under breath] Why are you asking her? Rebecca: ... > "If you need anything....I'll be....!!" Losing the battle with what he wanted > to say, Fujisawa did what any dedicated batchelor would do in a situation > like this. He cut his losses and ran. Dan: Yup, got that one right. > -Maybe, I should have Miz handle this.- Rebecca: The typical reaction to a girl's problem - run off and let a woman handle it. Dan: You catch on fast! [Rebecca throws a cushion at him.] > Nanami almost laughed at the sound of Fujisawa's frantic retreat, but the > pain was too much. Rebecca: Is this whole scene really neccessary? > -Well, mom, you were right. That's the perfect way of > getting a man to leave you alone.- She had bolted to her room not too far > ahead of her teacher and it was only luck that he was slightly drunk this > time, or her secret would be in the open. Tsuneo: Oh, dear. This sounds like the plot setup from hell. > She shuddered as the pain wracked her body. Rebecca: Can we please get away from this one? > "Not again, please, not again.", she begged in the futile hope that someone > out there would take pity and spare her the pain. It was like her entire body > was on fire, it was worse than the... [Rebecca leaps up and hits the fast forward. Others applaud.] Voice: That's quite enough! [The tape returns to normal speed.] ----- > Elsewhere, a world away....... Rick: An attempt to evade the fic through use of the fast forward button had been foiled by the Gret Big Head In The Sky. Voice: [Cartman] Hey! > Tenchi stirred restlessly in his bed. The night was quiet, Kiyone Dan: Not the TV version... [Groans] > and Mihoshi were out on patrol, Rick: Patrol of what? The laundromat? Dan: Tenchi's fridge? Rebecca: Tenchi's bedroom? Dan: Hey! Tsuneo: Escape routes out of this fanfic? Rebecca: Oh come on, we've done that one to death. Tsuneo: Only for El Hazard! Rebecca: Damn. > Washuu was locked away in her lab meddling with the secrets of the universe. Rick: [Deadpan] Today on Secrets of the Universe, we're going to learn how to make plutonium out of common household elements. Tsuneo: Do I need an interositer for that? Rebecca: Preferably one with an electron sorter. Dan: Huh? > -Something that doesn't require the services of her favorite guinea pig'- Dan: There's bound to be no end of lemons written on that one subject. Tsuneo: Eugh! Thanks a bunch, Dan. > He smiled wryly, life had certainly not been dull since > the day that he snuck into the family shrine. Dan: But that's the OVA version... Others: Smile and nod. > Even Ayeka and Ryoko had held > off their feuding today. -All in all, a very good day- Tsuneo: Now I KNOW this is a bad fanfic! Rick: Those two not fighting? That's about as OOC as you can get! > The only thing that kept him awake tonight was something he had heard this > afternoon. Ayeka's voice kept ringing through his head, Rick: 'Cause it was hollow. Rebecca: Probably it was what she had _said._ > a little bit of her > song that wouldn't go away. -.. when will we see our homes again... when will > our hearts be made whole.- Dan: When we get to the crossover bit, stupid. > "What does it mean?" Tsuneo: It means that the crossover is iminent. > He rolled over, pulled something out from under the > sheets beneath him. Dan & Rebecca: Oooh... Tsuneo: Cut that out! Rebecca: I never knew he was into _that_ sort of stuff! > He lifted the small slender object into view. Dan: Er... should we be seeing this. > -The Master Key-, [All breathe sighs of relief] > he looked over the sword, many people had hinted that it had greater > power than he had drawn from it yet. Dan: He's got greater power than it does! Rebecca: Are there any actually _normal_ teenagers in these shows? Dan: Heck, no! Where's the fun in that? > Ayeka, Grandfather, Washuu, Ryoko and > Kagato to name a few. "What are you really capable of?" Rebecca: Wouldn't you love to know? Dan: Well, Ayeka did keep it for quite a long time... All: EEEWWWW!!! [Dan gets hailed with cushions.] ----- [The screen pauses and turns to static. Worrying grinding noises are heard from the tape machine. They all look at each other, worriedly. Suddenly, the tape shoots out of the front of the VCR.] Rick: INCOMING! [They all duck as the tape shoots over their heads and hits the wall.] Rebecca: [Turns to where tape impacted] Wow. Guess the VCR thought the same about that fanfic as us. Voice: Er... It's never done that before. Dan: More's the pity. Tsuneo: So what happens now? Voice: Well... I guess you'll have to hang around here for a while until I can get a new tape. Rick: Great, what do we do now? [Fade out.] [Fade in. Rick walks on camera wearing a combat jacket and helmet carrying a microphone.] Rick: [Documentary voice] It was here many thousands of years ago that the forces of El Hazard made their final, desparate stand during the great war. On this very spot, Kaizen's last troops performed a valliant delaying action to stave off their enemies long enough for the Eye of God to be activated. [Pan over to Rebecca, Dan and Tsuneo wearing improvised medieval costumes - ie bits of cardboard, kitchenwear, etc. Dan has a pot over his head that almost covers his eyes.] Rick: [Documentary voice] Today, on the anniversary of that great battle, the Floristica MSTing guild are going to perform a re-enactment of the epic clash. I'm speaking with Tsuneo Tateo, leader of the guild. Dan: HEY! No fair! [Rebecca hits him with a broomstick] Rick: [Documentary voice] Now why did you choose this particular momentous occaision for this year's re-enactment? Tsuneo: Well, there are a number of reasons. [Takes microphone] Firstly, the historical significance cannot be ignored. As Andrew Graham has pointed out to us today, on the outcome of this battle lies not only the fate of El Hazard but also the existance of the great royal family of Jurai. Rebecca: And Juria! Dan: Bollocks! [Rebecca hits him with a broomstick again] Ow. Tsuneo: Also, it has never been clearly explained, apart from the 'ebony flames-' [All noisily clear their throats] and such what actually happened here, so we hope to shed some light on the situation. Rick: [Documentary voice] And who will be performing which role in this epic re-enactment? Tsuneo: Well. [Indicates to Rebecca] The lovely Miss Bartley here- Rebecca: MS. Bartley, thank you. Tsuneo: Whatever. Anyway, she will be representing the bugrom forces as their queen of the time. Dan: And she's even got the fright hair for it! [Raises arms to block broomstick. Rebecca sweeps at his legs instead and trips him over.] Tsuneo: I will be playing the part of General Kaizen, armed as I am with the Master Key. [He holds up the stereo remote control] Rick: And Dan? Tsuneo: He sulked until we let him join in. Rick: [Still documentary voice] There you have it, the intense preparations for this epic performance. Now they are about to begin... I see the performers are taking their places. [Rebecca stands on the back of one of the couches with her broomstick outstretched. Tsuneo stands on the coffee table, impressivelyt wielding the remote control. Dan stands between the two of them, trying to keep his vision free of the pot.] Rick: [Still going with the documentary voice] And they've taken their places. And the re-encatment is about to commence. [Walks off camera] [Dan's watch beeps.] Rebecca: You're stain! [Leaps on Dan.] Tsuneo: What? Is this rebellion? It is! Kill! [Leaps on Dan.] Dan: Aargh! [The battle degenerates into bashing each other with various implements, cushions, the stereo remote, the broom, the keyboard, the coffee table, a tape of 'Tales of the Red Knight Sabres', etc. Bits of improvised historical costume fly everywhere. Various battle cries are heard, non of which are reprintable.] Rick: [Walks back into camera, still using documentary voice] Ther you have it, the Floristica MSTers guild with a perfectly accurate re-enactment of the final battle of the great war. [The mailing slot on the apartment door opens enough to let a tape slide through and drop to the floor.] Voice: Ahem. [All stop fighting. Dan bashes Tsuneo once more with a cushion for good measure.] The new tape's here, so if you wouldn't mind? Dan: Aw, gee, do we have to? Voice: Yes. [All resume places on the couches, mysteriously back in their regular clothes. Rick retrieves the tape and puts it in the machine, then joins them.] [The TV screen lights up] > Afura coasted up to ledge outside the Shrine, Rick: To Linna Yamazaki. All: Eugh! Dan: Man, that is underachieving. > as the priestess with mastery > over air it was child's play for her to fly out to check the mountain shrine > periodically. Tsuneo: [Mork] Fly, be free! [Looks up, then down dissapointedly.] She crashed. Rick: Like this fanfic. Dan: No, that asumes it could have fallen from the start. > She looked back across the vast crags of Mount Muldoon, even here you could > seen the Eye and the Stairway into the Sky. Rick: [Grandmother] And, oh look! You can just see the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the toolshed. Rebecca: I didn;t expect the Spanish Inquistion. Dan: Oh please god no! > Her thoughts were pulled back to Makoto. Tunseo: So, here brain's a yo-yo? > In a way, she was jealous of Ifurita. Rebecca: And Sheyla and Rune Venus and Nanami, and... Tsuneo: What? Of being lost in another dimension with no hope of returning home and seeing the man you love? Rick: Hey, at least it means she gets out of the fic. > The Demon had the love of a man willing to tear away the wall between worlds > to save her. -What have I got?- Tsuneo: No self-doubt for sure, if she's meant to be in character. Rick: Now why would we want a silly little thing like that to get in the way? > She asked as she walked into the entryway and > checked the systems of the shrine. Artifacts that were centuries old hummed [All hum various tunes] > at her command, Rebecca: Icluding that one particular one she wanted to hum at her command. [Gets hailed with cushions.] > displaying the entire status of the holy shrine. All clear, > the images showed her. Tsuneo: How could there be images if it's all clear? Rick: Yuo know what he meant! Tsuneo: I do, and you do. But does he? > Her task finished she walked back onto out onto the ledge. All: Jump! Jump! > She stopped short, troubled by questions that suddenly came to mind.-Why Tsuneo: [Afura] Did I let my agent talk me into this? Dan: [Ditto] Did I bother coming up here in the first place? Rick: No. Rebecca: [Innocently] What? > should I go back? There isn't anything for me back there. Miz has her husband > , and Sheyla is still trying to trip up Makoto, but I don't have anything to > tie me there.- Tsuneo: Apart from friendship, loyalty, duty to the strangers... Dan: There there, it's only a fanfic. > She looked away from the royal city, and a determined look > settled on her face. She pulled open a small device on her belt and quickly > typed a message on it, Rick: She's got a pager? This place isn't as backwards as I thought. Dan: [Afura] Now that wopuld be usefull if they had a telephone network up here. Rick: So that's the 5% Vodaphone doesn't cover. Rebecca: So there's no chance of seeing Kramer roll past? Rick: He's got too much character, he can;t be in this fic. [Dan glances out the window.] > and then placed it on her belt again. > She stepped out of the concealing shadows of the shrine, and paused for a > minute as she repositioned the pack on her shoulders. Then she turned and > head north into the mountains. Tsuneo: Turned into a head? Dan: Went north to the head? Rebecca: Flew to the Great Big Head in the Sky? ----- > Elsewhere, a world away....... Rick: The MSTers remained blissfully unaware of what was about to strike. > Yosho Rick: Hooray! A decent character at last! [All cheer] Dan: Except that they all call him Grandpa. Rick: Don't split hairs. Rebecca: Yeah, it must be a real problem for you! [All except Dan snigger] > gave his grandson an appraising look Tsuneo: [Grandpa] I'd say about $500 or nearest offer. > as he came down for breakfast. The boy Dan: You know, he's got a name. > was moving sluggishly and had bags under his eyes. He put a gentle > hand on Tenchi's shoulder and stopped him before he entered the dining area. > "Are you okay, Tenchi? You look like you haven't been sleeping well." Rick: [Tenchi] It's got somethign to do with a nuclear war going on in the next room. > "I've .. had .. some dreams." Rebecca: [Tenchi] About Ayeka, Ryoko, Mihoshi and a family-sized tub of banana yogurt! [Dan throws a cushion at her] > Tenchi answered reluctantly, Rebecca: Well, he obviously wouldn't want to admit to that kind of dream... Dan: Stop it! > and Yosho waited > patiently for him to continue, "I just can't sort out what it was that I was > dreaming, but it is just on the tip of my tongue." Rebecca: And so was Mih- [Gets hailed with cushions.] > He looked up at his > grandfather, "I'm sorry, but it is a little bit frustrating you know. Not > being able to explain it, I mean." Yosho patted him on the shoulder and > pushed him gently forward. Tsuneo: Off the cliff. The end. Dan: In his house? Tsuneo: Whose house, hmm? Dan: Good point. > "You go ahead and get ready to eat, Tenchi. Tsuneo: Thank god for commas! Rick: But it would be a lot more amusing without them. Rebecca: And tastier. Others: Ewww!!! > I have to talk to Sasami for a moment, Rick: A moment with Sasami is an eternity too long. > and then I will be with you." He smiled, "We have a lot of things to > cover in your lessons today." Tenchi groaned as he shuffled over to the > table. Yosho stopped Sasami as she rushed by with breakfast, "Sasami? Could > you fix a picnic lunch today? I think that we all could use sometime away > from the house." She nodded as she rushed to put the food on the table. All: INTENSE BREAKFAST ACTION! ----- > Makoto looked over the tome again, Tsuneo: [Makoto] Yup! It's a book all right! > it had taken days to find the right tome. Rick: [Arnold Schwarzenegger] Don't you know the dewey decimal system? Rebecca: NO-ONE'S going to get THAT one! > A half remembered fragment of a dream wasn't much to go on. Dan: And thank you Rebecca, but we're trying to forget that dream. > The forgotten diary of a historian that had lived centuries ago, Rick: A historical historian. Dan: Hysterical more like it. Tsuneo: And what kind of a historian forgets his own diary? > his notes contained the needed references to books and papers even older. Rick: Bureaucracy in action. > Finally his paper chase led > him deep into the palace archives, to sections that hadn't been touched in > decades. Tsuneo: Except by that orangutang over there. Rick: Ook! > "Finally," he whispered. All: SSH! Rebecca: This is a library, you know! > He read the passage several times, consulting his > translation notes at several points, and in slow ponderous steps Tsuneo: He's walking on the book? > he coaxed the story from the yellowed pages Rick: Of course! He's looking in the Yellow Pages under 'Eye of God technicians!' > of the book in front of him. He read > through the story of the last days of the War, Dan: Ah, we could have told you about that! Rebecca: Yeah! [Cracks knuckles] Care for another re-enactment? > told through the eyes of the > aide of Lord Kaizen -one of the great generals. He went cold at the last few > pages of the story. -The Great Key-. All: Duh-daaah! Rick: Thus the plot begins. Dan: Where? What plot? Tsuneo: Took its time. > He rushed out the door at a run. Tsuneo: Yes, that's the usual way to rush anywhere. Rick: Hey! No running in the library! > -This time, I've got it. I'm coming Ifurita hold on just a little bit longer- Dan: What's the bets that the Master Key controls the Eye of God? Rick: Pretty bloody obvious, that one. - > Shayla's hair stood on end Rebecca: That's quite an acomplishment, with all that hair. Dan: You mean, it stands on end MORE than it already does? > as she climbed out of the tub. Rick, Dan & Tsuneo: Oooohhh....! Rebecca: Men! > The wind had picked > quite severely and the sky was darkening with ever passing second. -No,- she > went cold Tsuneo: Well you _did_ just get out of the tub, no wonder. > as she realized what was going on, Dan: It's called a thunderstorm. Get used to it. > -he couldn't have- All: He did! > She was out the door, dressing as she ran down the hall. Dan: I have never before wanted so much to be a palace guard. Rebecca: Naughty man. - > Makoto closed his eyes and concentrated on the image in his mind, ignoring > the howling wind that was picking up. Rebecca: Probably for the best he doesn't wears skirts any more around this weather. Dan: Rebecca! He was only doing that to save the alliance! Rebecca: Sure thing, Dan. Whatever you say. Rick: Great. Instead of a princess, they sent us a queen. > -Reach for it,- the Eye of God shuddered as his mind tripped switches Dan: [Makoto] Ow, I tripped! > deep within, then he saw the object > that he was seeking in his mind's eye, Dan: [Makoto] Yes! I got her out of the bath! > -Bring it to me- He commanded the Eye. > The wind suddenly ceased and he opened his eyes as the sky exploded in rush > of light. Rick: Bang goes the budgie. Others: WHAT? Rick: Never mind. - > Shayla's mad rush to the Stairway to the Sky Dan: That would take an _awful_ long time, especially since she was in the palace before. Tsuneo: And how'd Makoto get there without anyone noticing, anyway? Rick: After that phantom tribe business, you'd think they'd put a guard around it. > skidded to a halt as the Eye exploded in a rush of light. [Silence] Dan: Wow. Tsuneo: There goes the Eye. It's going to be raining debris for days. Rick: So much for continuity. > "Makoto, what have you done?", She whispered as > she stepped onto the transport disc. Rick: [Makoto] I just blew up the Eye of God. Oops. > She rose into the spire in a rush of speed that blurred the wall as the disc > finally brought her to the top of the Stairway. She gasped in surprise as she > took in the wreckage and ruin around her. -One of the blasts must have gone > off right above us.- All: Naw. > She finally found Makoto, unhurt to her relief. Tsuneo: Whaoh, hold it there. [The tape pauses.] I really think I should point out that even he can only control the eye from its center. And even then, he'd wind up in another dimension. Rick: Smile and nod, pal. Tsuneo: No I won't! This is a serious problem! That was the whole point of the final confrontation on the top of the eye, remember? To throw that away, and then go on about not having Ifurita... Not only is it totally erroneous, it's also seemingly an insult to the writewrs who set up that magnificent ending! Rebecca: Better yet? Tsuneo: No, but I'll live. Rebecca: Fine. The sooner you shut up, the sooner it's finished. Play! [The tape restarts.] > Then she saw the other body laying beside him. Rick: [Stan] Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Tsuneo: [Kyle] You bastards! > A young girl, out cold like Makoto, dressed in an outlandish style of clothes. Dan: Is this goign to wind up like Surreptitious encounters? > Her concern for the girl was cut short as she realized what must have > happened. Tsuneo: Yeah, he exploded the eye. Dan: Okay, okay. I'm sure that's not what he meant. > She picked up the girl and Makoto. "Oh, Makoto what have you done?" Tsuneo: [Makoto] I've- Dan: Tsuneo! Tsuneo: [Makoto] Dragged more people into this crappy fanfic! ------ > On Earth Tsuneo: Not 'a world away?' Rick: The fanfic pounced, claiming its victims! > Washuu typed out a command on her computer and read out the results of her > last test cycle. -Very interesting- she watched as the data scrolled by at an > unbelievable rate. -Very close to the results that I wanted.- Her train of > thought was broken as the entire Subspace lab shuddered. Tsuneo: Will anyone strangle me if I say that Washu's lab technically isn't on Earth? Rebecca: [Leans over and grabs him by the throat.] Quiet, little man. > -What is going on?- Tsuneo: You're caught in a bad fanfic! Rebecca: I'll let you go on that one. > Nearby, a computer screen exploded and alarms started sounding. Washuu > grabbed her computer Dan: The one she can summon out of thin air wherever she wants? > and with quick strokes called up the dimensional > controls of her workspace. -Massive subspace disruptions- Rick: Oh my god! They're caught up in Star Trek! > She typed out a > flurry of commands, trying to stablize the dimensional fields. Another, much > heavier shock shook the lab. This time dozens of machines expoded. [All shake in their couches] > -Not good, Dan: What an amazing deduction! > what ever it is that is doing it has resonances that are tearing > down the stablizers faster than the systems can reconstruct them- It was like > trying to rebuild a small spider web when someone is dropping anvils through > it. Rick: Something I'd like to do to this fic. Tsuneo: It's got big enough holes in it. > She hit the door to the house at a full run, Rebecca: SPLAT! Rick: [Wahsu] Maybe I should have opened it first. > and was through it without > a seconds hesitation. It was that very second that the lab's field failed > completely. One second she could see the lab, a variety of machines and > holding cells exploding. The next it was the small room underneath the > stairs of the Masaki home. She took off her lab coat and looked at the now > missing tail of it. Tsuneo: Who wants to point out that she doesn't wear a lab coat? [Everyone sticks up their hands.] Thought so. > "And with not a second to spare." Rebecca: Damn! Rick: And not a brain cell to spare, either. Tsuneo: That's the writer, not Wahsu. > she whispered. She had been literally a > step away from being thrown across time and space. She frowned in frustration > , "Now what am I going to get those speciems again?" Rick: What? "Now what am I going to get those specimens again?" Rebecca: Can we have that again in English maybe? > Then it hit her, Dan: Whack! Tsuneo: What, the specimens? Rebecca: Who-hoo! Tsuneo: Naughty girl! > the emptiness in her mind and heart. Dan: Nothing wrong there for Washu. Tsuneo: Yeah. She'd probably blow up the universe just to know what kind of noise it made. > Where Ryoko's thoughts had been. Rick: What thoughts? Tsuneo: Too easy, man. > Washuu > turned and ran out of the house at a full run, fear driving her All: Brrrm! Brrrm! Put-put-put-brrrrrrrm! > to greater speed. > "Ryoko! Ayeka! Tenchi! Anyone!" Tsuneo: [Washu, yelling] We're in a bad fanfic! Run for your lives! > She came over the hill's top, to where the > Masaki's pinics were held. She knew it well enough, Sasami was always eager > to take advantage of a spring time day to eat out of doors. Dan: Since... when? > -Please let them be alright- She prayed , only to stop short Rebecca: That was pretty bad. > at the ruin was left in the place of their favorite picnic spot. Tsuneo: [Washu] Where'd this Cambodian temple come from? > "No!" Washuu screamed to the sky, as her heart broke into a million pieces. All: What heart? Tsuneo: One... two... three... > "Give her back, damn you!" her voice dropped to a whisper as she slid to the > ground, "please give her back to me." Rick: Better yet, don't! - > Tenchi landed roughly, his fall barely broken by the undergrowth. Rebecca: And his head largely broken by the ground. Dan: However, since he wasn't Ryu, he actually noticed it. Rick: You guys must have had fun while we were away. > For long minutes he lay senseless on the ground. Rick: Nothing unusaul there. Tsuneo: That's what a bad gothic crossover fanfic does to you. > He returned slowly to his senses. > Finally he was able to sit up and take in his surroundings. > "Where am I?" All: You're in a bad fanfic, stupid! Tsuneoi: Thanks, guys. > he asked as he took in the alien surroundings around him. Rick: [Fong] What you are experiencing is a temporary distortion of reality. - > Yosho slid down the slope, acting more on instinct than anything else, Dan: [Yosho] I haven't been on a slide for ages! > pushing himself to the limits of his strength and endurance. He managed to > grab Ayeka's hand only by the smallest of margins. Rebecca: Not bad, considering he was trying for her- [Gets hailed with cushions.] > With a grunt he pulled his half-sister up to safety. Her landing hadn't been > as smooth as his, she had hit her head and fallen down further down Rick: Fallen down further down, eh? Rebecca: What we have here is a surplus of downs. Dan: Fall down go boom? > into the > ravine. He eased her down gently, -I hope the others made their arrival a lot > better than we did,- he thought to himself as he looked the vast crystalline > walls above him. -I've heard of this place somewhere- He slid the sword into > his belt. Dan: Oh, no way. Tenchi's _always_ the one who carries the sword. I see absolutely no reason for grandpa to have it just for convenience's sake. Rick: It's a PLOT ELEMENT. Live with it. > It would come to him in time he was sure. - > Ryoko shook her head to clear it, -What happened, the last thing I remember > was arguing with Aeyeka at the picnic. Then..- All: FLASHBACK ALERT! [They all get up and run around screaming] Voice: Stop that! Rick: Sorry. [They all resume their seats.] > Ryoko's reply was interrupted by an explosion of light above > them. Tsuneo: It was the Eye of God, remember? > Several globes of darkness formed in the open sky and shot down > towards them. Rick: [Rain man] Oh yah. Definitely Eye of God. Definitely. Not good. Defintitely not good. > Ryoko dodged one, and shot towards Sasami. Out of the > corner of her eye, she saw Yosho grab for Aeyeka. Rebecca: See! See! Dan: ... > -Got to get the kid clear of whatever that is- Rick: WHAT? Ryoko trying to SAVE Sasami? Rebecca: You think she'd throw Sasami into one and bolt. Tsuneo: Kill her now! Kill her now! > Her thought was cut off as she hit the girl at almost full speed, Dan: That would leave quite a mess. > and shot high into the sky with her. One of the > blasts landed where she had been only a second before. Rebecca: Try harder next time! Tsuneo: And they're globes, remember? Not energy blasts. > Another engulfed Yosho and Ayeka. > "No!" she screamed as the blast left nothing behind but swirling dust. Rick: No, the proper reaction from Ryoko would be "Yes! She's gone! Now he's mineminemineminemine!!!!!" Dan: You do that too well. Tsuneo: [B-ko] I wanted the pleasure of finishing her off myself. Oh, well, can't have everything. > Then another figure in the clearing drew her eye. Tsuneo: [Ryoko] Give that back! > Tenchi, sheltering > behind the Wings of the Light Hawk with five of the spheres burning > through. Tsuneo: If this IS the Eye of God, then a) wouldn't it just be one huge sphere and b) there's no way they could be blocked. It's a dimensional teleporter, not just a big gun! > "Tenchi!", Ryoka dove towards him Rebecca: [Ryoko] Hey Ryoka, who ever you are! Leave him alone! He's mine! > trying to reach him in > time. The distance, along with Sasami's weight, were too great. Rick: So loose the munchkin, dopey! Tsuneo: And Ryoko is how strong, pray tell? Rebecca: Ah, but she's got to catch up with this Ryoka person, remember? Dan: I'd say it was her clone or something, but that would just be Minagi. > The Wings collapsed and she saw Tenchi engulfed by the dark spheres. She > flew through the dust that was left in the wake of his disappearance, > and then she was overwhelmed by the sensation of falling as two spheres > engulfed her and Sasami. > Ryoko shook as the memory replayed itself in her mind's eye. Dan: She's got a VCR in her head? > The last few > seconds before she blacked out felt familiar. -Like when I teleport - She > looked around her, taking in the ruined landscape all around her. -Where > ever the hell I am, - she told herself silently as she stood up and started > down a conveint path, -it sure ain't earth.- Dan: Maybe it's Juria? Tsuneo: No, it's a crappy fanfic. > She turned at the sound of falling rocks behind her. Rebecca: Avalanche! Splat! Oh, the humanity! Others: [Bored] Yay. > "Ah," she said as she popped her fingers , Dan: That could be very painfull. Rick: Eugh! Now she needs some new ones! > and a dangerous glow Tsuneo: How is a glow dangerous? > formed in her > hands, "You aren't what I expected out of the welcome wagon, but I'm glad > you're here anyway." Rick: What is here anyway? Tsuneo: Presumably the falling rocks. Rebecca: Splat! Ow. > she lashed out as she took to the air. The explosions Tsuneo: And what was exploding? Rick: The authour's head? Dan: Tsuneo's head? Rebecca: Ryoko's head? [All stare at her] Sorry. > keyed her into the berserker mode that Washuu had designed in her for combat. Tsuneo: Whaoh, there. That is not only completely out of the blue, but also illogical and stupid! I mean, why would Washu include a berserker mode that's more than likely to send her finest creation out of control and get it destroyed? And what evidence does the authour have for something like that? I mean... Rebecca: Dan may I? Dan: Here. [Dan reaches into his pocket, and throws Rebecca a roll of duct tape. She pounces on Tsuneo and ties him up, as well as gagging him with the tape.] Rebecca: Sorry, but this is for your own good. > The world turned red as her blood roared with her rage. Tsuneo: MMMPH! MRGLE MRMPH MMM MMMPHR! Dan: I think he's trying to say that she doesn't have blood. > And as much as she had come to despise it in the last year, it felt so good. Tsuneo: MMMMM! Dan: Thank you, Rebecca! --- > Yosho helped Ayeka up, and looked her over. He had dressed the wound on her > head, Dan: In a cute little frilly pink dress. [All stare at him] Sorry. I don't know what came over me. > but he was still a little worried that she might be concussed. Rick: Her natural state is concussed! > He waved his hand in front of her. Rebecca: Yup! It's a hand! > "How many fingers?" Ayeka squinted for a momement Dan: [Ayeka] Those two are yours, and the other three are ones that Ryoko popped off. Rick: Gross. > and Yosho saw a little bit > of the delicate sister that he had know on Jurai All except Tsuneo: Jurai. Tsuneo: MMMPHR MM MRMPHR! Rebecca: Alright, alright. [Rips tape off his mouth and hands] Tsuneo: YYYEEEEOOOWWWCCCHHH!!!!!! > all those years ago. Rick: When Tenchi was good. Dan: Hey! > "Two." Rick: No, it was a lot longer ago then that. Dan: Hey! Tenchi's a good series! Rick: Except for the movies. Tsuneo: And the TV series. Rebecca: And the second seaon of the OVA. Rick: And the American comic. Rebecca: Or the Japanese one for that matter. Tsuneo: Or any bits with Sasami in them. Dan: ... > "Good, you're most likely not concussed." Tsuneo: How can you tell? Rebecca: [Ayeka] Darn. And I was hoping this whole crappy fanfic was just a delusion. > Ayeka gasped in shock as he moved to oneside to help her up. > "Great Spirits of Juria," Tsuneo: Or maybe even Jurai Rick: Juria's out on that one. > she whispered in shock with wide eyes, "Yosho, tell > me that I'm not seeing things." Dan: So... is she concussed or what? > Yosho turned to look at the object that she was pointing at. Tsuneo: [Yosho] It's your finger, you fool. > Long seconds > passed as what he saw registered, 700 years of life on Earth had given Yosho > the impression that nothing could surprise him. He was wrong, this was the > first time that he was left speechless in that time. > "It's the Eye of God, just like in the old legends," Rick: And who saw _that_ one coming? [All raise their hands] > Ayeka whispered, "then that means....." Yosho finished for her. Tsuneo: [Yosho] That we're in a crappy crossover fanfic! > "... the Enemy might not be far behind." Rick: With any luck. > He said as he took a grim look on > his face. They looked at each other, Rebecca: [Looks at Tsuneo] Oh, John! Tsuneo: [Looks at Rebecca] Oh Marsha! Rebecca: Oh John! Tsuneo: Oh Marsha! Rebecca: Oh John! Tsuneo: Oh Marsha! Rick: Oh, shut up. > the fear was clear in Ayeka's face and > Yosho couldn't be sure that he didn't show the same look on his. Suddenly the > beautiful scenery and sunny skies seemed a little darker to both of them. > On the ridge above them, shadows gathered and watched. Tsuneo: Is it time for another crack about Mr. Morden? Others: [Bored] Yes. ---- > Afura knelt down and examine the signs on the ground in front of her. -Bugrom > raiding party, over two dozen maybe more.- More than she had seen since the > end of the war. -What are they doing?- Tsuneo: Signing up with Mr. Morden. Rick: See the earlier scene. > Her thoughts were interrupted by a low rumble from further down the valley. Rebecca: [Afura] Whoops! Shouldn't have had beans for breakfast! > She turned and glimpsed a column of > dust settle far down the valley as a crystalline bridge collapsed. Rick: They don't make 'em like they used to. > -What was that?- Rebecca: [Afura] I _really_ shouldn't have had beans for breakfast. > She took off at a full run, reaching into her sack for her activation > pack. -I hope that I can get there before it's too late.- All: It is. ---- > Yosho blocked the claw that flashed down at him with uncanny ease, his shield > flashing into existence a scant second before it could connect. Tsuneo: A second's a long time in a fight like this. Rick: Hello? Operator, hello? I can't connect! > He followed > up with a slash that tore a chunk of the beast's hard shell and rolled away > from another's attack. All: [Singing] Rolling, rolling, rolling. Keep those wagons rolling. > He risked a look over at Ayeka. She fought with the > fury of a true warrior, lashing out with a blast at the one beast that > hadfaced Dan: Hadfaced? Tsuneo: Yeah! She's the hadfaced bitch around here! > off with her. Two more lay close by, crushed by the force of her > powers. -She is so like Tenchi -, Dan: No she bloody well isn't! Tenchi is a friendly, sensitive, honest, decent, upstanding caring guy, wheras Ayeka is an obnoxious, spitefull, arrogant, self- centered egotistical bitch! They're about nas different as... As... As two really different things! [All applaud] > Yosho thought to himself as he danced [All make corny dance music] > through his enemies' attacks, -Gentle at heart but capable of such great > fury and passion- Dan: Gentle at heart? Ayeka? [He burst out in a fit of uproarious laughter.] > A low rumble above him broke his chain of thought Rebecca: The beans! > and he looked upwards. Tsuneo: For no good reason. > An enormous shard of crystal had broken free and was falling > with deceptive slowness towards.... > "Ayeka!" All: Yay!!! Squish her!!! > he heard the scream tear from him mouth, All: What? Tsuneo: That could hurt a lot. > even as he bolted over and through the horde of creatures between them. Rick: [Posh english] 'Scuse me! Coming through! Mind the 'brolly! > He hit her hard, Rebecca: Wouldn't we all? > and shoved her > clear of the shard just as it landed nearby with thunderous impact. Dan: Of course, this being Yosho, he could have just leapt over the Bugrom, grabbed his sister and leapt away. Rebecca: Shush. > Ayeka shook her head clear as she sat up. Rick: Not much to shake out. > The last thing she could remember > was hearing Yosho scream her name just seconds before being shoved clear. She > looked back where she had been, now covered by an enormous column of crystal. > Yosho lay beside it... Dan: NO! OH, PLEASE GOD NO! TAKE ANYONE ELSE! NOT HIM! Rebecca: _Please_ take anyone else? Rick: Like Ayeka. Rebecca: Or Ryoko. Tsuneo: Or Sasami. Rick: Or Mihoshi. Rebecca: Or Ryo-ohki. Tsuneo: Or Sasami. Rick: Or Washu. Rebecca: Or Myuka. Tsuneo: Or Sasami. Rick: [Turning to camera] Do you ever get the feeling that some people in the audience are _not_ Tenchi fans? > "Brother!" Dan: [Bored] Oh, brother. > she ran to him, -Please let him be alive!-. Rick: Please? While there's still some talent left in the cast? > Yosho opened his eyes Rick: [Monty Python voice] I'm not dead yet! > and smiled at her as she held him in her lap. He opened his eyes and looked > up, not quite seeing her. "No, don't leave me. Yosho, please hold on." Rebecca: [Ayeka] Not there! Rick: [Monty Python voice] I'm getting better! > She > whispered as she tried to staunch the flow of blood. Yosho seemed to > recogonize her and then looked past her again. Rick: [Monty Python voice] No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment. > "They're waiting for me, Ayeka. My wife, and Atchika..." he looked at her, a > smile on his face,"they're all so beautiful, I... wish.. you could see them." > Then the life drained from him, one second he was there and then he was gone. Rick: [Wolf] Catherine... Johnny... Urgh... Rebecca: No-one's going to get that one. > She eased his unseeing eyes shut, tears streaming from her eyes as she fought > down the smothering despair that threatened to consume her. "So passes Yosho, > first Prince of Jurai," Tsuneo: Dang, they got it right that time. > tears blurred his face as she fought down the despair > that surrounded her, and she was barely able to whisper the rest, "... and my > first true love." Then her loss overwhelmed her and she wailed helplessly. Tsuneo: [Ayeka] Oh my bro Yosho, my bro, my bro Yosho! Would god I had died for ya, my bro, my bro, Yosho! Whoi has mortally wounded my long-haired, sword- wielding, Jet-Lee-or-possibly-even-Jackie-Chan-wannabe big bro? WHO? Rebecca: Afura's breakfast. ---- > Afura watched helplessly as the column fell in the middle of the conflict. Dan: [Dumb voice] Oh no, down I go. Rebecca: Isn't this about the third replay of that one moment? Rick: The authour probably thinks he's being dramatic. > She felt the shockwave that shook the vast crystalline bridge loose. Tsuneo: No, Rebecca, enough is enough. Rebecca: You should talk. > -Whoever it is, they aren't going down easily- Dan: But the bridge is. > She thought to herself as she redoubled > her speed, -but with that many bugrom, they will still need all the help that > they can get.- Rick: Why bother? A dipsomaniac gym teacher can cream a whole horde of them. Rebecca: Hey, just a thinks here. Shouldn't Tenchi et all have started picking up wierd powers by now? I mean - more wierd than usual? Dan: Maybe that explains Mecha-Ryo-ohki. [All except Rebecca shudder] > She flashed into the battle area just in time, surprised with > the level of destruction that had occured on the small ridge. Tsuneo: Hang on... This is the priestess who faced down Ifurita and unlocked the Eye of God being surprised about destruction levels? Rick: The bad writing's amplifying the effect. > Bugrom corpses lay every where, Tsuneo: One... Two... Three... Rick: [Pinky] Buggy buggy buggy! All: NARF! > and she could see the survivors clustering cautiously around > the column trying to muster the courage to finish off their victims. -Well we > won't have any of that- She swore grimly. Rebecca: [Angry] Grimly! Grimly, grimly, grimly! Tsuneo: I should hurt you for that, but I can't think why. > The Bugrom didn't notice the wind in the valley suddenly stop, All except Rebecca: Rebecca, no! Rebecca: [Innocently] What? > and then return > with a vengeance till it was too late. The first blast of wind, bearing small > shards of rock and crystal tore through the bugrom like a hot knife, Dan: Hot knife through Bugrom? Tsuneo: Not that a hot knife would hurt them much. > and then > Afura landed in front of the survivors and really let loose. Dan: Eugh! That's disgusting! Rebecca: Naw, done that beans one to death. > The wind double > and redoubled at her mental command, and soon only the strongest and biggest > of the bugs were left clinging to the ground in front of her. She looked > behind her and saw the girl and her companion. Rage burned coldly Rick: Doesn't the fact that it's burning imply that it's hot? > in her at > the realization that she was too late to save the man. -I failed again-, All: Huh? > she swore to the man, Dan: So much for respect for the dead. > -but you will be avenged- With a gesture, she blasted one > after another from the narrow ledge and into the abyss below. Rick: I can see my house from here! > Finally there > was no one left to fight and she forced herself to power down. She looked > back at the two warriors All: Warriors? Dan: [Laughing] That's a good one! > that she had saved, and the victory that she had > just won turned to ashes in her mouth. [All make spitting/gagging noises] > -Sheyla wouldn't have failed,- Dan: No she probably would have run in recklessly- Rick: Torched everyone around her including the two innocent bystanders- Dan: And get her cute little ass whipped- Rebecca: And then gone off, had a sulk and a drink- Rick: And get chased around by Allielle. Tsuneo: You guys are merciless. Rick: So's this fic. > she > told herself miserably, only to stop short as she looked at the girl's > outfit and face. "Ancestor's guard us." Tsuneo: [Afura] This fanfic's become a crossover! > She whispered in shock, suddenly weak in the knees. Rebecca: [Afura] She's so cute! And right here too! [Gets hailed with cushions.] > Ayeka looked up from Yosho's body, still crying, when a young woman bowed to > her. She only caught half of what was said Tsuneo: The rest flew away on tiny little wings. Dan: Are you okay, man? > as the dark hair woman Tsuneo: A woman made of dark hair? > spoke in a dialect that she had never heard. Rick: What, Japanese? Dan: And never mind the translation spells that let her speak Japanese. > Finally she caught a word that she knew for sure. Kaizen. Tsuneo: Ever notice how close the names Kaizen and Kaine (the authour) are? [All nod] Dan: That bodes. > "Kaizen, he was the progenitor of our people. Dan: [Muttering] Horny bugger, wasn't he? > I am Ayeka, a princess of the planet Jurai. " Tsuneo: [Ayeka] Formerly of planet- Others: We know, Juria. > The woman nodded Tsuneo: -Off. Rebecca: ZZZzzz. > and replied. > "I am Afura Mann, priestess of Mount Muldoon, ... Ayeka," She looked at > Ayeka's face closely taking in the war mask All: Oonamaga! > that princess still wore, "Tell > me, if you can, how long have your people lived on this ... Jurai, my lady?" > Ayeka looked back at her savior in shock, finally realizing what had > happened. -It's not supposed to happen like this, Rebecca: [Ayeka] -So quickly, we've only just met! > it's was supposed to be a time of happiness and joy.- Tsuneo: Not some cruddy gothic crossover stinker of a fanfic. ---- > Sasami All: ARGH! Rick: The injustice of it all. > woke with a throbbing head Rebecca: Have you been at the medicinal brandy again? > and was surprised to discover that she in Tsuneo: She WAS in. > alien surroundings. Tsuneo: Yay! A big black monster's gonna pop out of the wall and eat her! > She sat up to get a better look around and instantly > regreted. Tsuneo: Regretted IT. > She fell back on the sheets with a groan. -I think...- All: [Gasp] Rick: What a surprise. Dan: Too easy, waaaay too easy. > she told herself,-that this is what Ayeka and Ryoko call a hangover. Rebecca: She HAS been at the medicinal brandy again! Rick: Little mutie freak. Tsuneo: No, she doesn't have pink hair. > I definitely > don't want to go through this again- Gentle hands eased her back on the bed > and placed a damp cloth on her head. Rick: It's probably Rei Ayanami. Rebecca: She wants her Sailor Suit back. [Tsuneo throws a cushion at her.] > "Shh.. little one, rest is what you need." Rick: [Gypite] Now lay your lovely head on this anvil. > "Who are you?" Rick: [Old man] My name... My name is Slartibartfast. > "My name is Miz Mistal, we'll answer all your questions later. Now sleep." > Sasami started to reply but she was so tired. Sleep rose up and swallowed her > again, Rick: Yummy! Tsuneo: Too sweet. It'll rot your teeth. > she heard a little more as she dozed off. Rebecca: I'M dozing off. Dan: Hold on, we're nearly there. [Tsuneo pulls an Inferno toy out from behind the couch and waves it in front of Rebecca going "BOOGA!" Rebecca starts awake then whacks him hard with a cushion.] Rebecca: I feel much better now. Tsuneo: I'm so glad... > "How is Makoto?" a man's voice. Tsuneo: [Rubbing side of head] Well, he was at the center of the Eye of God when it exploded, figure it out. Rick: No he wasn't! Tsuneo: Well he should have been. Rick: And it didn't explode. Rebecca: Pity. It would have been a lot shorter if it had. > "He's okay, but the council wants to see him right now." > "Why?" Dan: Duh, I wonder. > "Masamichi, he fired the Eye of God by HIMSELF. Needless...." Tsuneo: Just like this fic. > Then sleep claimed her and nothing more was heard. All: Hooray!!!! [The TV switches off. All of them reel back, clutching their heads or putting a hand on their chest or whatever and moaning.] Dan: Man, that was BAD! Rick: Too bad. Rebecca: We nearly didn't make it. Tsuneo: And if he'd said that Tenchi looked like Makoto... [Trails off, muttering.] Rebecca: Thanks for the ant attack by the way, man, I don't think I would have survived without it. Voice: Okay, guys, how'd that go? All: BLEAGH! Rick: They killed off the only halfway decent character Tenchi has ever had!!! Besides psycho cop, I mean. Voice: Properly, if you don't mind. Tsuneo: Okay. I really hated the mood of this whole piece. I mean, Tenchi and El Hazard are both basically comedies, despite the other elements in their storylines. To have them so brooding and gothic is just plain darned wrong! Dan: I really hated how he treated the El Hazard characters. Makoto is obsessive, Afura loaded with self-doubt and so forth. At least he got Fujisawa right for his brief appearance, although it's not terribly hard. [His voice begins to get louder and angrier, and everyone else cringes away from him.] If that wasn't bad enough, the way he treated the El Hazard and TYenchi universes in general was horrific! Makoto operating the Eye from the platform especially, considering the marvellous ending of El Hazard! [His hair begins to get ruffled, and his voice grows louder.] Ryoko's berserker mode, Nanami's secret and especially mangling the past of both Jurai and El Hazard was totally unneccessary and COMPLETELY UNNACEPTABLE!!! [He leaps up, drawing his sword, and dashes over to the TV. Hollering with rage, he swings downwards, cutting the TV, VCR and cabinet in half. He stand still for a moment, panting.] Voice: [Cautiously] Feeling better? Tsuneo: [Cheerily] Much. Voice [Gulp] Ah... Anyone else? Rick: Well... um... I must admit that I really don't like Tenchi, but I do like El Hazard. Um... I think Tsuneo said it best. Rebecca: Like he said, Tsuneo said it. But I did notice that the spelling and punctuaion got worse as the fic went on. Voice: Okay... Well, that's it for today. Dan: Not that I really want to know, but what have we got next? Voice: Um... i think we might wait a while. I'll have to figure that one out. Tsuneo: Come on, guys, I need a drink. [They file out. The screen goes black.] Voice: Good reaction... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Dan & Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas) Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth (Rick R. Mortis). Jinas' world: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm RPG info, amateur fanfics and official Bubblegum Crossfire material. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > simple object, but one of great power. -The Master Key- Dan: -The Plot Element- Tsuneo: Hey, how do you pronounce those -'s?