"Why do we have to clean this mess?"

"Because you were the ones who caused it!" Signus' voice said over the speakers.

"Yeah, but still..." Tango protested.

"Get moving! Or no more snacks for you!" Signus barked before turning off the 
intercom. ""Gi-aatay ania nilang kaguwang-ga..." he cursed in the Philippine 
dialect of Cebuano. (Literally translated, this means: "Liver making this, these 
they are all morons." But, loosely translated, it means:  "Those damned annoying 
loons...") Mark just chuckled.

"Well, what did you expect? Everyone inside that theater is certifiable," Mark 
said.

"But this stunt is going to cause us time! My report is due soon and I have to 
catalogue the results as soon as possible!" Signus huffed.

"Relax. Tango and Knight will have the theater cleared of shaving cream in no 
time. Meanwhile, think of it as allowing your test subjects to have a break," 
Mark said, as he prepared the next batch of film. "You have to admit: watching 
more than a few hours of this can be damaging to anyone's psyche."

Signus scowled. "Hey! I finished reading that and nothing happened to me!"

There was a pregnant pause.

"...right," Mark replied.


***********


Inside the shaving cream drenched theater...

"This sucks majorly," MMK complained, pushing the mop forward.

"Amen," Tango replied, passing his toothbrush over another stretch of floor.

"We'll never get this finished..."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Point."

MMK paused and leaned on his mop.

"Know what we can do, Tango?"

Tango stopped his task, stood up, and popped the brush into his mouth like a 
cigar.

"What's that, bro?" 

MMK grinned.

"Shaving cream angels."


***********


Inside the theater waiting room...

"Blech!" Rebecca muttered.

"You finished with that towel?" Vidstudent asked, wiping more cream off his 
hair.

"Here," Rebecca said, handling Vidstudent the towel. "I hate washing this stuff 
off my arm. It's so sticky!" She waved her mechanical arm back and forth, 
testing the joints. 

Vidstudent's head bobbed under the towel.

"Hey, how come you two didn't get splattered?" Rebecca asked, eyebrow arched at 
Jonatan and NeoVid. The two were in the corner mixing some drink.

"Elementary, my dear Rebecca," NeoVid started. "You know what a magnet is, 
right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"And you know how similar magnetic poles repel each other?" Jonatan said, adding 
cough syrup to his concoction.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Vidstudent said, tossing aside the 
towel.

"It just so happens... excuse me for a moment," Jonatan said, then stopped 
talking as he finished mixing his drink. He poured the mix into six mugs and 
stepped back as NeoVid took out a flamethrower from somewhere inside his jacket 
and ignited the drinks.

"It just so happens that Vidder's jacket here has the same magnetic polarity as 
shaving cream," Jonatan finished. He took a glass and blew out the flame before 
taking a gulp.

"And?"

"Me? You expect an avalance of foam to get the better of me?" He paused to 
savour the flavour, or possibly to force the burning sensation from his mind.

"Oookay," Rebecca said, "and what are those?" She pointed at the flaming purple 
drinks.

NeoVid grabbed two mugs and walked over to Rebecca and Vidstudent. "Just an 
experiment," NeoVid said as he handed the two their glasses. 

"I don't drink alcohol," Vidstudent said, returning the beverage. NeoVid 
shrugged and took it.

Rebecca blew out the flame and took a drink. "Hey, this is good," Rebecca 
stated. "But this tastes--and looks--too much like a Flaming Moe."

"You mean a Flaming Homer," Vidstudent corrected.

NeoVid drank his drink... without blowing out the flame. "Actually, it's called 
a Flaming Vid," NeoVid boasted. "You see, Homer's original recipe was flawed so 
I added some--"

"NeoVid," Jonatan said.

"Yes, Jon?"

"Quit it. You're pulling a Gryphon."

"Oops. Sorry," NeoVid said.

"Jon, should I even be asking what NeoVid and you added?" Rebecca asked.

"Not if you want to enjoy it," Jonatan replied.

"Right." She took another drink. "Ignorance is better."

"Wonder where S.D. Ryukage and Ranma X went? Their Flaming Vids are getting 
cold..."


***********


"Pesticide in his iced tea?"

"I haven't seen him drink iced tea."

"Trapdoor?"

"Last week."

"Getting behind him by using a large painting with a secret passage and cutting 
off his neck with large shears?"

"Just this morning."

"Point-blank shot to the head?"

"Three times."

"With a gun?"

"Yes, 'with a gun'."

Ranma X sighed. "I don't know what else to suggest. This person you want revenge 
on sounds to be invincible. Who is he anyway?"

"The MultiMediocre Knight," S.D. Ryukage answered.

Ranma X arched an eyebrow in surprise. "The MMK? He doesn't seem the type to be 
trailed by a girl bent on revenge. I know he's irritating and all, but what 
could he have done to you that makes you so... well, whacked?"

S.D. Ryukage grabbed Ranma X by the shirt and brought his face close to hers. "I 
suggest you don't remind me of that instance ever and I will forget the fact 
that you called me whacked. If you can give me a good idea on how to go about my 
revenge, I'll also forget the fact that I caught you here trying to escape by 
yourself... as well as keep silent about this with the others. I'm sure 
Vidstudent and Rebecca will not be entirely happy you're holding out on them."

Ranma X gulped. "You wouldn't. A-and even if you did, it wouldn't do us any 
good. The old tunnel I saw when I used this place is full of boxes of blank 
rewriteable compact disks. No one can get out that way."

"Blank CD-RWs?" S.D. asked, puzzled. "Why would there be blank CD-RWs here?"


***********


"Tango and the MMK are taking their sweet ti--What in the world are you doing, 
Sig?"

"Just burning some anime I downloaded off Animewaves on CDs..."

"Using W4's CDR and the theater's 'Net connection?"

"Hey, we already paid the rent so we're entitled... come to me, Chii-chan! 
Mwehehehe!"


***********


"Exploding bunny rabbits?" Ranma suggested.

S.D. paused. "That's interesting... do we have them?"

"Er... no."

S.D. Ryukage closed her eyes and counted to ten... slowly.


***********


"Hey, Knight!"

"Yes, Tango?"

"Duck!"

"Quack!"

MMK ducked as Tango hurled another shaving cream ball towards him. The ball 
splattered on the wall, making a bigger mess.

Tango sat down on a shaving cream-bunny sculpture and laughed. MMK leaned on the 
shaving cream-man they built earlier and tried to catch his breath between 
giggles.

"Ceasefire?"

"Ceasefire," Tango agreed. He paused. "Hey, what's this?" He wiped aside the 
shaving cream on the floor in front of him to reveal a large red button.

MMK came over and stared at the button. "Gee, I don't know."

"It's a shiny big red button," Tango noted.

"Think we should press it?" MMK asked.

"I repeat, it's a shiny big red button," Tango said with a grin.

MMK grinned. "Let's COMBINE!" He powerposed, suddenly wearing a cheesy red 60's 
super-robot pilot suit.

Tango brought out aviator goggles and wore them. He pushed the button.


***********


"Hey, Sig!"

"Yes, Mark?"

"Theater's clean."

"It is?" Signus asked with genuine surprise.

"Yes."

"This early?"

"Yep. Tango did it."

"Well, what do you know..."


***********


"Remember, you promised..." Ranma X said.

"Okay, okay," S.D. assured him as they entered the room. They happened upon 
Vidstudent and the others sitting around the bar playing cards.

"Hey, Shady! Deal you in?" Rebecca invited.

"What's the game?"

"Two of clubs--"

"You are on the way to the theater. Make your time," Signus' voice interrupted 
as his image appeared on the monitor.

The six stared at Signus' grinning face. "No way!" Ranma X replied. "It would 
take ages to clean that much cream out."

"What did you do, Signus?" Vidstudent asked, arching an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Nothing. It was all Tango's doing," Signus explained, his grin expanding. 

"Tango?" Rebecca said with a shocked look on her face.

"Now get in that theater so I can complete my paper," Signus ordered.

"Tango?" Rebecca repeated, surprise evident in her voice.

"Well, make us, Signus!" NeoVid challenged.

"Easy," Signus said, pressing a button offscreen.

A horrible stench filled the room in seconds.

"Glak!" Jonatan gasped. "Sweet Jessica's stovetop, what IS that?!"

"My nose! My nose! It burns! It burrrrrns..." Ranma X rasped.

"Let's get out of here!" Rebecca forced herself to shout, leading the way to the 
theater. Everyone rushed inside.


***********


"That was cruel and unusual punishment, you know that?"

"Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures," Signus explained.

"But, still... the concentrated stench of your old college roommate's unwashed 
socks?" Mark asked, shocked.

"He's notorious for the fact that his smell can enter a room or place before 
him. It was like a living entity," Signus explained with a grin. "I knew there 
was more use for it rather than a biology experiment."

"That thing should be outlawed as a human rights violation," Mark said. 

Signus nodded in grim agreement. "I really didn't want to do it, but my report 
should be completed soon." 

Mark gingerly picked up the jar containing the said biochemical weapon and held 
it at arms length. "What should I do with it?"

Signus thought for a moment. "Put it inside several toxic waste disposal jars, 
seal them tightly, and bury them twelve feet below the ground." He paused. "And 
let's hope it's enough..."


***********


Door 1: It's a mighty stone wall, carved from the hearth of a volcano, each 
stone requiring a hundred men to move it... or not. Ranma X pokes a hole in it, 
revealing it to be painted tin foil.

Door 2: It's a translucent tube leading to a ship's airlock. S.D. glances out 
the side as the riffers swim down to the door, noticing that 'WDF VALIANT' has 
been hastily scribbled on the side in Magic Marker over 'HMS FEARLESS'.

Door 3: IT IS... EL ASSO WIPO! Almost no one gets the reference.

Door 4: It is a large, Gothic-style door with bears, in fanciful script the 
cryptic phrase "Disco sensation! Set the night on fire! Disco sensation!" Tango 
does the Saturday Night Fever pose while the others run past it.

Door 5: Door 5: It's a curtain made of panties and bras, tied together end to 
end. Rebecca stares blankly at it, then Happosai bounces by and, magically, it's 
all gone.

Door 6: It's a solid gold door, carved into the shape of a large kitten. It 
bears the phrase 'Cattus nihil ergo' which means, in English, nothing of great 
significance. The kittens eyeballs are scarily translucent and you have the 
distinct feeling you are being watched. Only really good as a very large and 
very heavy ornament, the actual door is 5 inches high. Bored to death, 
NeoVid pokes a small hole in it with a pencil that magically appeared on the 
floor; this reveals it to be actually made of cardboard and gold spray paint.
The riffers squeeze through.

Door 7: It's a large mirror. All the riffers run towards it, then start 
screaming, skid a little bit, and start running backwards. From off-camera, MMK 
yells "Hey, wait a minute, guys!" and the sound of running feet stops. "No 
worries," he continues, "it's just a bunch of harmless, but witty psychos!" 
Convinced, the riffers laugh in relief and embarrassment, and push their way 
past it as past a revolving door.

Door 8: It's several *gigabytes* of Eyrie-style text, all devoted to the 
description of a single banana. Vidstudent tries to blast a path through, but 
there is simply too much to destroy. As he reloads, you get a good look at the 
text. You quickly begin to nod off. When you wake up...


***********


Tango: How was I supposed to know that the button was marked "Theater Automatic 
Cleanup?"
Rebecca: Shut up. We still hate you. (Blows her nose on a piece of tissue)
Tango: Aww... would it make you feel better if I give you a hug?
Rebecca: Touch me and you'll breathe through your feet.
NeoVid: (Wiping his nose) I must find out Sig's recipe...
Vidstudent: Why? (takes a few sniffs)
NeoVid: That gas ought to keep the mosquitos in my dimension away.
S.D.: Big mosquitos?
NeoVid: Big-ass buggers.
Ranma X: Good thing that secret tunnel wasn't usable and... (notices glares 
upon the phrase 'that secret tunnel' and gulps) Well... too late now!

>20 JUNE 2032

Vidstudent [low]: After the apocalypse. They did not expect... the Robot 
Holocaust.

>One of the shutters in Gryphon's apartment windows was
>malfunctioning, as it had for some time. Only one of the louvers 

MMK: Isn't that the place in Paris where the Mona Lisa is displ-
NeoVid: No, that's the Louvre.
MMK: Oh... then isn't that one of the cards of the Tarot dec-
NeoVid: No, that's the Lovers.
MMK: Okay... then it must be that new manga by CLAMP-
NeoVid: That's Clover.
MMK: Fine... (Brings out a dictionary and looks for the word) Aha!
(MMK nods his head and puts away the dictionary.)
NeoVid: Well?
MMK: Did you know that when you look "insanity" in the dictionary, there's a 
group picture of us? (He ^_^s.)
Tango: Those Webster people always get my bad side.

> in the north window

MMK: You destroy Neclord, and the castle becomes your base.

>'s shutter was stuck open, but it was inconveniently
>placed so that, at about three in the afternoon during this time of
>year,

Tango: ...the local Stray Bullet Convention wandered right in. Rude bastards.

> it directed a single, sharp-edged slash 

Ranma X: --at Gryphon's neck.

>of brilliant sunlight
>across the approximate area of the bed where Gryphon's face was.

Rebecca: Helios himself acts to inconvenience young Ben.

>Therefore, it was no surprise to him that 

Jonatan: ...his nose hair caught fire.

>he awoke at three-fifteen
>with a shooting pain from his eyes to the back of his skull. 

S.D.: And continuing *through* the skull, leaving a hole in his head the 
size of a mandarin orange.

>It was a sunny and irritating day. Grumbling something unintelligible,

Jonatan: ...Latin...
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Gibberish, gibberish gibberish. Gibberish.

> he turned over so that 

Vidstudent: He could keep his tan even.

>he faced away from the sunlight, burying his face
>in the pillow.

Ranma X: And smothering himself in the process.

>About that time, his secondary sensory systems came back
>on-line (he had been operating on tertiary input before this point),

S.D.: So that's why he doesn't need cyberware. He already thinks he's a machine.
Jonatan [Gryphon]: Bede bede bede. Ben needs anime lovin'.

>and his mind, which was starting to spin up, came to a startling
>realization from the new data that was coming in.

Vidstudent: They replaced Brent Spiner?
All: Boo! Hiss!

>He was not alone.

MMK: THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! YOU'RE NEXT! *YOU'RE NEXT*!

>This was a significant deviation from the usual "three-
>fifteen-in-the-afternoon-and-I'm-bloody-well-still-in-bed" routine.

Tango: For one thing... WHERE ARE THE POM-POMS?

>His eyes snapped open, but he managed to keep from flinching,
>and his mind raced momentarily as he attempted to guess who it might
>possibly be.

Rebecca: Daley. Please be Daley.
Ranma X: Or Charles Manson.
MMK [singing]: Who can it be now?

> What had he been doing the previous night?

Jonatan [Gryphon]: ...dude? Where's my car?

> The Replicants had released their new EP, Storm Warnings, the day before,
>and the release party had been at his apartment.

Rebecca: Ben invited all his friends.
Tango [snooty French accent]: Table for one, sir?

> He looked round (he
>could see the bulk of the apartment from his vantage point); 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Damn, this place has gotten fat.

>yes, the place was a total disaster area,

Rebecca [Damien Day]: And in the middle of this scene of devastation, a profound 
reminder of this tragedy, a battered teddy bear.
Ranma X [Gryphon]: Woah, must've been a great party. Wonder why my ass hurts, 
though.

> as befitted the site of a somewhat
>rowdy release party. He was slightly relieved by the fact that it was
>mostly just trash and clutter;

Tango: And the batterted remains of a plastic christmas tree that looks for all 
the world like it's been stepped on.

> there had been few spills and no
>uncontrolled ralphings that he could remember. Then again, "remember"
>was a spotty term at best, at the moment.

Jonatan: Did he get a traffic cone? It's not a good night unless you get a 
traffic cone.
MMK: Traffic cone. Pfft. Ever had a traffic parabola? (He ^_^s.)

>Try to reconstruct. The party started to peter out at about
>midnight.

S.D.: ...which coincidentally enough, was when he'd gotten there.

> Zoner had left around then with Sylia, which was a surprise
>of a sort.

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: I could've sworn he'd called shotgun on Linna.

> The rest of the band had filtered away by one or so. By
>one-fifteen 

Ranma X: The drummer figured out where the rest of the band was, and 
stopped playing.

>it had been just him and Priss, listening to the EP and
>commenting on 

NeoVid: --exactly how small and worthless Gryphon's life was.

>the quality of the recording and Gryphon's new stereo
>system.

Jonatan: ...at least, that's what he says.
Rebecca: Did I mention that Gryph's got a cool stereo system? He's got a cool 
stereo system.
Ranma X: Be thankful he didn't go into a soliloquy about it.

>At this point Gryphon felt he had to check something, 

Vidstudent: But it was too late, and his spine had run off again.

>so, turning onto his back, he glanced to his left with his eyeballs
>sharply angled, 

MMK: Witness, the man with the acute eyeballs!
S.D.: No wonder he has "sharp" vision.

>and his fears were confirmed.

Ranma X: Someone had stolen his ass, obviously for nefarious purposes.

> Discarding what, for
>the moment, was the useless and possibly even dangerous realization
>that

MMK [Ned Flanders]: ...it was people! People soiled our green!

> she looked quite peaceful asleep, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Pfft, 's'never stopped me before!

>Gryphon went back to his attempt at figuring out what had gone down.

(Jonatan makes "chika-bow chika-bow-wow" noises.)
MMK [Gryphon]: Okay... Miss Scarlet... in theeeeee Library... with the 
candlestick.
(MMK opens an envelope and looks at the three cards inside.)
MMK [Gryphon]: Damn.
(A pause.)
Ranma X: Wait, where did you just get--
(Vidstudent shakes his head and mouths "Don't get him started"; Ranma
X breaks off, falling silent.)

>Then there had been the token attempt at cleaning up. This,
>he decided, must have been the source of the neat geometric stack of
>pizza cartons on the kitchen counter.

Jonatan: Pizza... the four food groups rolled in one. You've got cheese, grease, 
starch... and more cheese.
NeoVid: Tomato sauce.
Jonatan: The five food groups!

> Then there had been the matter
>of putting paid to the remaining liquor (no one had taken it), 

Jonatan: There's usually a reason people don't touch the untouched stuff, Ben.

>which included such things as a half-inch or so of Jagermeister, 

NeoVid: "Jager" really is a word for "hurl".

>an inch (perhaps more) of Rumple Minz peppermint schnapps, something
>unidentifiable and green 

MMK: Cool! They've been drinking mutagen!
Vidstudent: Erk. Let's not go there, shall we?

>(thinking back, Gryphon decided with some
>trepidation that it must have been the last of the drummer's
>absinthe--oh, shit),

Tango: Whoopsie! There's a faux pas that you won't be getting out of the carpet 
in a hurry.
Ranma X: Absinthe? That explains so much so succinctly.
NeoVid: So the drummer was drooling for a reason besides, uh, being a drummer...

> and what, by the time they got to it, they had
>snickeringly proclaimed to be "just a little" of the martini mix left.
>And then...

S.D.: ...projectile vomiting for six hours straight?
Jonatan: That's about it. (narrows eyes) Here's a clue for you, Hutchins. Don't 
worry about the hangover. You should be glad you're not in *intensive care*, you 
fucking dolt!
MMK: *Someone* needs to vent.

>Oh, shit.

Ranma X [Gryphon]: I have my church dress on.
>
>Again, Gryphon managed to keep from physically startling as
>his memory spun fully up and replayed for him the events of the
>previous morning...

NeoVid: He missed the last episode of Doki Doki Kokoro...
Jonatan: It was *very* traumatic for him.

>Oh, shit.

Vidstudent: Is this some sort of plot device? 
NeoVid: No, it's a two-word review of the story.
S.D.: Shouldn't there be more expletives then?

>He wasn't quite certain why he though this was quite so bad as
>he thought it was.

Ranma X: I have no idea why he though.
NeoVid: Thanks, Doctor Pedantic!

>But, he was quite certain that it was.

Jonatan: Why, yes. You had sex with a woman while you both were sloshed out of 
your *shameful* excuses for brains. Even if you probably lacked enough working 
brain cells to know where to stick it, that's so lame you'll make the world a 
much better place the faster you get out into the street and jam your fool
empty head into a sewer grate so people can kick your ass over and over until
it bursts like an overripe *eggplant*.
(There is a second of silence.)
MMK: Someone *really* needs to vent.

>He tried to think of a plan.

Rebecca [narrating]: And found his brain missing.
Jonatan [Gryphon]: Oh, shit.
Tango: He'll build a giant teleporter gun, kidnap the Eiffel tower, the Soviet 
army and all the worlds' leaders, then threaten to destroy Manhattan if he 
doesn't get to be ruler of the world!
Ranma X: Then he gets the secret decoder ring and gains the support of the New 
Jersey Area leprechauns and--
MMK: --then he'll take three lions, a giant cobra, five small pigs and a raccoon
and combine them into an army of mutated minions--
NeoVid: --and then his army of superstrong amoebas will--
S.D.: Just stop.

> There must be something he could do to minimize the backlash from this.

MMK: Plead insanity. I've found it works.

> Perhaps if he got up now and quietly relocated

Tango: --to Mexico for a while, until this all blows over--

> to one of the armchairs, he could pretend he had been 

Jonatan: Dead?

>there, all night, and she would just think it had all been a
>dream.

NeoVid [deadpan]: Oh, that'll make things all right then, won't it?
S.D.: Scratch "dream" and insert "nightmare".
MMK: Better yet, insert "drug-induced delusion".

>Perhaps if he jumped out the window.

All [chanting]: Do it... do it... do it...

>No, best thing to do would be to stay right where he was. The
>least he could do now was 

Jonatan: --provide an unmoving target for the railgun spikes.

>own up to it and face the music...

[MMK and Tango start humming the Undertaker's old entrance theme.] 

>Although, he was hungry...

S.D. [narrating]: Warrior is about to die, needs food badly.

> perhaps he should get up and do something about breakfast.

Ranma X: He decided his left arm looked good and sauteed it with shallots and 
wood ears.

>Beside him, Priss stirred. 

Tango: But was she shaken?
Jonatan [Priss]: *sniff, sniff* Is that back bacon I smell?

> The light had worked its way across to her. 

Rebecca [light]: Shhh... be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting Pwisses.

> She stretched, groaning softly as various bones popped
>back where they belonged, 

(*CRACK*)
S.D. [Priss, thinking]: Damn. There goes my shoulder blade again.
Jonatan: ...the fuck did he *do* to her?

> and then turned over, throwing an arm across
>Gryphon 

NeoVid: But *whose arm was it?*

>and snuggling closer to him (mammalian instinct, I guess).

Ranma X [Gryphon]: Of course. I chew my arm off at the shoulder and depart 
undetected. Obvious.

>Then her eyes, so close to his own that he could actually read the
>little "BAUSCH & LOMB" printed on the irises, snapped wide open.

NeoVid: The future of advertising: product placement on irises, so you'll read 
them all day long.
Rebecca: Acclaim's working on it as we speak.

>"Er..." Gryphon searched his mind for something appropriate
>to say. What does one say in a situation like this? 

Ranma X [Gryphon]: Um, uh... "oh, what a lovely tea party!"
Rebecca: Start with, "Please don't shoot me, Miss Asagiri, sir," and work your 
way up from there.

>You can't go,
>"Aaaaaauuuuuggh! Aaaaaaaauuuuugggghh!!!! AAAAUUURRRGH!" It's not
>even an option.

MMK: Liar!
Tango: It's *always* an option!
NeoVid: It's usually followed by wetting yourself though.

> "Did you sleep well?" just doesn't seem appropriate.

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Seeing as how we almost didn't sleep from all the sweet 
sweet--
Vidstudent: Jon.
Jonatan: Yes, Nicholas?
Vidstudent: Finish the line and eat hot lead.
Jonatan: Tempting offer, my friend. Very tempting indeed.
NeoVid: All the sweet sweet marijuana smoke.

>He had to think of something that was gentle, unthreatening,
>unincriminating, yet not taking a completely self-blaming stance
>either--

Ranma X: Realizing it was impossible, he took a cyanide pill instead.

>something that implied tacit acceptance and a (how he hated
>this expression) stiff upper lip, something clever and perhaps a
>trifle witty to break the tension with some humor.

Ranma X [Gryphon]: So, uh...how about them MegaTokyo Giants, huh? 
Rebecca: Then he remembered: he was still Ben Hutchins.
S.D. [Gryphon]: I am *boned*.

> Something like...

MMK: "Ouch, you're on my hair"?

>"Uhm...morning..."
>
>No, that wasn't it.

Rebecca [Gryphon]: Uhm... evening?

>Especially not in that nervous, "please-don't-hurt-me-I-just-
>work-here-lady" tone of voice.

Vidstudent: Especially if you add a Jerry Lewis accent.

> Oh well. Too late, it was said...

Tango: Only one more option. Shoot yourself!

>She looked at him, confused as hell (just as he had been). He
>could almost see the progression of memory across the back of her
>eyes, party, windout, cleanup...

Vidstudent [Harry Caray]: *Swing* an' a miss! It's a nice day here at 
Wrigley Field...

>Priss actually flinched with the memories,

Ranma X: 300 pounds of Naked Ben is a memory I'd be wanting to suppress.

> blinking almost audibly 

(Tango supplies 'piku piku' noises.)

>and swallowing hard. She pulled back slightly out of reflex,
>then tried to say something, but all that came out was, "Wh--wha...uh,
>wh--wh..."

Tango: Priss Asagiri on turntables, ladies and gentlemen!
MMK [DJ Professor K]: She'll leave your momma walkin' and your daddy squawkin'!

>"I think so," Gryphon replied.

Tango [Funaki]: INDEEEEEEEEED!

>Her bewildered and even slightly panicked expression settled
>into a look of mild consternation. "Well, isn't this a kick in the
>ass."

MMK: No, this is a kick in the ass.
(MMK kicks the back of Ranma X's seat.)
Ranma X: Hey!
MMK: Well, it would have been funnier if she'd said "boot to the head", 
but we have to work with what we're given--
Ranma X [indignantly]: You kicked me!

>"I'd go along with that, yeah," Gryphon replied.
>
>She turned on her back, putting her hands behind her head, and
>they lay like that for a long time, side by side, looking at the
>ceiling and ruminating.

S.D. [Priss]: Didn't I leave a handgun here somewhere?
Ranma X [Gryphon]: Oh, god, she left a handgun here somewhere.

>At length she turned her head to look sidelong at him and
>said, "You know something?"
>
>"What?"

Rebecca [Priss]: I'm'a *cut* you, sucka.
S.D. [Priss]: Fishsticks are neither a fish nor a stick.

>"I'm okay with it."

NeoVid [Priss]: Because I'm under mind control.

>"Yeah. Me too."

Ranma X: Yeah, right.
Jonatan: I'm not.

>"Well, that was easy." She laughed. "This is fucking
>surreal."

MMK: No, *this* is f--
(MMK is interrupted by a Very Large Gun in his face. He ^_^s.) 
Ranma X: Eh, it's two people doing something regretful after overdoing it. 
Perfectly normal occurrence.
MMK: And denial is just a river in Egypt, right?

>"Yeah, I'll go along with that."

Jonatan: I won't. 

>"Dire Straits seems to have an odd effect on me."

Tango: Me too! It makes me run away!
MMK: And yet Mark Knopfler's soundtrack work goes completely ignored. 
Poor guy's like Danny Elfman in reverse.

>"I think it was more the half-inch of Jagermeister."

Rebecca [Priss]: ...that's what you call yourself, I take it?
[S.D. snorts.]

>"I dunno..." She laughed. "Look at us, we're fucking
>analyzing it! Dammit! This is weird."

Jonatan: As opposed to suppressing it and pretending it never happened? Yeah, 
that *can't* be good.

>Gryphon laughed as well. "Uh huh." Then, thinking of
>something, he let out another laugh, a short, choppy bark of amusement
>(the kind which he always gave when he had just thought of something
>funny).

MMK [Gryphon]: Bark! Bark, bark, bark!

>"What?"

Tango [Gryphon]: I saw this really funny episode of Tenchi in Tokyo. Ryoko and 
Ayeka argued and ended up blowing up each other. Didn't see that one coming!

>"I just realized something. I don't have a hangover."

S.D.: That's because you're dead from alcohol poisoning.
MMK: No, if he was dead this would be Nemesis--
(MMK ducks a hail of gunfire.)
MMK: That is not a toy, young man!

>"Huh. Neither do I. In fact, I feel great."
>
>"So do I. Hey, cool! We've discovered the secret cure for
>the hangover! Coolness. 

Ranma X: So wild sex with an anime character while trashed prevents hangovers?
Jonatan: This is also the guy who thought a brief fight and a quick drive would
magically burn off the accumulated alcohol of several dozen pints of lager.
[pause] and he's using my catchphrase. NeoVid, I'm blaming you.
NeoVid: Me? That guy's too SIey for me to even go near him.

>Too bad we can't tell anyone about it. We
>could make a mint." They both broke, dissolving into helpless
>giggling for upward of three minutes.

Jonatan [mystified]: Why? Did Gryphon open a nitrous tank or something?
MMK: No, it's Hutchins booking himself as funny again.
Tango [Homer]: When Poochie isn't around, the other characters should
be sad, look around and say, "where's Poochie?"

>When he had recovered, "If that's what happens when Dire
>Straits is played, I should go and get the rest of their albums."

MMK: And his movie soundtracks.

>She hit him in the shoulder, hard.

Ranma X: Not hard enough to kill him though, I'm sure.
Jonatan: I guess it'd be too much to have him do Kyo impersonations.
Ranma X, grinning wide]: Yeah, but it'd be fuuun...
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Ahh! i am dieing!

>"Ouch! What? That's my first law in action. 

S.D. [Gryphon]: 'Disturb shit'.

>I believe in complete honesty. 

Rebecca [Gryphon]: By the way, I slipped a couple things into your drink
last night.

>I say what I feel. I think it's a good policy, and
>if everyone did it the human race would have a lot fewer problems."

Jonatan: *Ahem*. No, there's a good deal that's kept quiet about for very good 
reason.
NeoVid: Hey, that's the same thing I do! 
Jonatan: See? Living proof.
S.D.: In a while, it'd have a lot fewer problems, and also a lot fewer people 
living.
MMK: Remember the Babel fish.
(Everyone nods.)

>Priss reflected briefly, then said, "Hmm. Good idea...but it
>took me a little off guard..." She smiled and turned back onto her
>back, humming the intro from "Money for Nothing" softly.

Tango [singing]: Now lookee here people/listen to my story/little story 'bout a 
man named Jed...
NeoVid [singing]: Oh, this is a story bout a guy named Al/And he lived in a 
sewer with his hamster pal...
MMK [singing]: You can do the wooly bully but can you pull the wooly wooly,
can you wag, can you wag the dog...

>At the appropriate point in the music, Gryphon cut in with the
>vocal. It seemed the appropriate thing to do. 

Ranma X: I'm going to cut his vocal chords.
Jonatan [obligingly]: Why?
Ranma X: It seems the appropriate thing to do.

>Momentarily, frustrated with the vocal medium's inability to carry the 

Tango: --Ultimate Coolness of an SI--

>hard-edged rasp of the actual guitar, Priss fumbled on the floor 

NeoVid [announcer]: And the MegaTokyo Giants lose the Super Bowl!

>next to the mattress Gryphon had serving as a bed, found the stereo 
>remote, and turned on the actual song. 

Jonatan [actual song]: Well, aren't you a hot babe? Come here and kiss me.
S.D. [Priss]: Now stop *singing*! *Fuck*!

>The speakers hidden all over the apartment
>were ready as usual. Gryphon's Sony NGX-2401AXL let it rip.

Ranma X: Oh GOD DAMMIT!
NeoVid: It had been eating beans all morning.
Ranma X [sarcastically as Ben]: Did I mention how awe-inspiringly cool and 
earth-shatteringly powerful my stereo was?

>Now lookit them yo-yos
>That's the way you do it
>You play the guitar on the MTV

MMK: Yes, we *know the lyrics*, thank you. *Heard the song* before.

>That ain't workin'

Jonatan: No, this fic isn't working at all.

>That's the way you do it
>Money for nothing and your chicks for free

Tango: Unless you have to hire them, like Gryphon.

>No, that ain't workin'
>That's the way you do it
>Lemme tell ya
>Them guys ain't dumb

NeoVid: Well, no, really they are.

>Maybe get a birthstone on your little finger
>Maybe get a blister on your thumb
>We got to install microwave ovens
>Custom kitchens, deliveries
>We got to move these refrigerators
>We got to move these colour TVs

Vidstudent [Drew Carey]: And you're going to be selling a two CD set, 
"Songs of the Movers". Take it away!

>The little faggot with the earring and the makeup

S.D.: I'm thinking ReRob.

>Yeah buddy, that's his own hair
>That little faggot got his own jet airplane
>That little faggot he's a millionaire

S.D.: Well, maybe it's Ben.

>We got to install microwave ovens
>Custom kitchens, deliveries
>We got to move these refrigerators
>We got to move the colour TVs
>We got to install microwave ovens
>Custom kitchens, deliveries
>We got to move these refrigerators

NeoVid: Hey, MMK... MOVE CARS!
MMK: Didn't get the timing right.
NeoVid: D'oh.

>We got to move these colour TVs
>I shoulda learned to play the guitar
>I shoulda learned to play them drums
>Now lookit that mama, she got it
>Stickin' in the camera, man

Vidstudent: Now that's an extreme close-up.

>Oh we could have some fun
>And he's up there--what's that--Hawaiian noises
>You bangin' on the bongos like a chimpanzee
>Oh that ain't workin'
>That's the way you do it

MMK [singing]: Straight up coming from the west side!
All [singing]: This is how you do it!

>Get your money for nothing, get your chicks for free
>We got to install microwave ovens
>Custom kitchens, deliveries

Rebecca: I feel that this piece loses something in the transition
to the written word.
Jonatan: Oh, quite.

>We got to move these refrigerators
>We got to move these colour TVs
>Ooooooooo--oo!

Jonatan: This is when Ben jammed his thumb in the keyboard.

>Listen here--now--that ain't workin'
>That's the way you do it
>You play the guitar on the MTV
>That ain't workin'
>That's the way you do it
>Money for nothing and your chicks for free
>Money for nothing
>Chicks for free

Tango [singing]: Beverly... Beverly... Beverly Hillbillies...
Jonatan: This is what we call "pointless filler".
Rebecca: And it differs from the rest of the text *how*?
Jonatan: Because that last bit has been proven capable of drawing 
money.
Rebecca: Ah.

>As the song was petering out and swinging into the next one,
>Gryphon started to get up to go and fix 

Ranma X: --Zoner.

>something to eat, when
>suddenly Priss caught his arm and yanked him back to the mattress.
>
>She looked into his startled eyes and allowed herself just
>enough time to say, 

S.D. [Priss]: You're already dead.

>"No, it's definitely Dire Straits," before 
>commencing.

Vidstudent: You call it "Dire Straits"...
Jonatan: *We* call it "forced nookie".

>I want my MTV.

Ranma X: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
S.D.: *I* want my tightly plotted, stripped-down-to-the-bare-essentials 
narrative, but I guess we're both livin' a lie.
MMK: If this is what 'Money for Nothing' does to her, imagine if it
were a *romantic* Dire Straits song.
Rebecca: They'd be married by Tuesday.

>7 DECEMBER 2032

Rebecca: This is TEXTure. Digital update: MegaTokyo tonight.

>A man was riding peacefully through the center of town on a
>motorcycle, 

Ranma X: --and got beaten into paste by the guys who were violently riding 
motorcycles.

>wearing a suit of close-fitting polycarbide armor that
>made him look like either a riot cop or an offroad racer. 

Tango: How about an offroad cop?
S.D.: Please, continue in this magnificent description of a man's suit of armor! 
My life will not be complete without it!
NeoVid [Ned Flanders]: Feels like I'm wearin' *nothing at all*!

>The bike was an interesting design, 

Jonatan: It was made almost entirely from forks.

>American-looking, with heavy front shocks
>and strange tubes on the sides of the front wheels, apparently part of

Tango: ...the system that pumps raw cocaine into the elves running the wheels.

>an elaborate suspension system. The snarl of the big engine

NeoVid [engine]: ROAR!

>underneath him echoed in the streets, and the big twin headlights

Jonatan: Nice set of headlights there.

>lit up the road before him well. Streetlights raced across the silvered
>surface of his armor 

MMK, Tango [Streetlights]: *VRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM*!
(MMK and Tango run around the theater.)

>and the bike; both were completely unpainted, and
>the face of the helmet was black.

S.D.: Have you noticed how he devotes more attention to describing the tech than 
he does to the characters?
Vidstudent: It's the Tom Clancy Effect. 
Jonatan: Personally, I'm getting flashbacks from the Akio-car scenes.

> He twisted the throttle and accelerated onto an expressway. 

Ranma X: He promptly accelerated *off* the expressway, careening himself
off a concrete divider and exploding in a nifty fireball.

> It was after midnight; 

Vidstudent: Later attempts to feed gremlins produced unfortunate results.

>although in-town traffic was about average, there was no one on the 
expressway.

Rebecca: Is there ever anyone on Megatokyo's expressways besides Priss and soon-
to-be-dead ADP officers?
NeoVid: The Boomers killing them?
Rebecca: Besides them.

>The cycle howled down the expressway at close to 150 kph,
>rider tucked low behind the black windscreen, 

NeoVid: Ass flapping free in the slipstream.

>presenting the most aerodynamic profile possible. Speed climbed steadily, 
>and within a few minutes, 

Rebecca: --he was out of gas.
Others: D'oh!

>the cyclist had caught the attention of the only other
>person out on the road at that time: ADPolice Inspector Leon McNichol,
>driving his car back to the station.

Tango: He was bringing the car back in the same shape he took it out in. It was 
a good day.

> The silver cycle whipped past
>him going a good 200 kph and climbing, and Leon put on his lights and
>siren and gave chase.

Ranma X: Commence Benny Hill music.

>It wasn't easy; even with the extra power of his police
>pursuit car, he had a challenge just keeping the silver bike in sight.

Rebecca: I bet it's one of the authors are showing off how Kewl they are by 
having one of them on a bike he created out-run Leon.
Vidstudent [faux-disbelieving]: Nooo.
Rebecca: Just a hunch, though.
NeoVid: Actually, this is pretty typical Masshole driving. 

>The rider had noticed him, but didn't seem to care; 

Jonatan: When you're going two hundred kilometres per hour, you can't 
really be paying attention to anything that isn't the road. Or you're soon not
paying attention to much at all.

>instead he hunched a little lower over the handlebars and kept ahead of 
him. Leon thought of calling for backup, 

MMK [Robocop]: You called for back-up?

>then disregarded it; the guy was just
>speeding, after all, and didn't look particularly inclined to
>violence, although there was definitely a military look to him and his
>bike.

Rebecca: Leon, this is MegaTokyo. Call in an airstrike.
Tango: Carpet-bomb him! Then use the Super Sheep! 

> He clicked the supercharger on and pressed the accelerator,
>making a momentary gain. 

Vidstudent: But then, Wall Street crashed.

>There was a flash as the rider glanced back,
>Leon's headlights catching his facebowl; 

Ranma X: You know, the fact that's he's wearing a bowl on his head is the most 
entertaining thing in this story.
Vidstudent: Sadly.
NeoVid [Moe]: I was just going to get a haircut, wise guy!

>then the bike sped up to match him, maintaining its lead. 
>Leon cursed; 

MMK [Leon]: Arrogant bird! I am the Great Leon!

>how fast was this thing, anyway?

Ranma X: Uh... two hundred kilometres per hour?
Tango: It moves at the speed of lint!
MMK: Faster than slow!

> It was outpacing him as easily as that damned antique
>Chevy that had made such a laughingstock of him down at HQ. 

Vidstudent: By the time he had made it to the levy, it was 
already dry.

>He didn't like to think 

S.D.: Well, duh.

>about that.
>
>Suddenly, his concentration on the road was broken by his
>radio, calling out an all-call; 

MMK [police dispatcher]: Dunkin Donuts is giving away free donuts!
I repeat, free donuts!
Jonatan [Leon]: That's a 10-4, good buddy! Woohoo!

>rogue Buma in district seven, all units respond.

Jonatan [police dispatcher]: Please take this opportunity to fill out your last
will and testament.
Rebecca: Well there's a perfectly random occurrence for you.
Tango: Goddamn Boomers. Can't go five minutes in this city without one showing 
up.

> Leon smiled; the quickest route to the location they
>gave was right off this next exit. He began to slow down, abandoning
>his pursuit of the biker in anticipation of the off-ramp. You're
>lucky tonight, pal, Leon thought to the biker.

NeoVid [Leon]: That off-ramp is going to get so nailed...

>Keep riding, and we'll meet again someday.

S.D. [Leon]: Some magical evening, late at night... your bare chest heaving...
MMK: So, I'm thinking they've already met once upon a dream?

>The biker sheered off at full speed, throwing sparks from his
>left kneeguard as he banked 

Rebecca: --$O. The stupid git.
MMK: He promptly got voted out during the round.
NeoVid: He *is* the weakest link.
All: Goodbye!

>hard and shot down the offramp. Leon's brows knitted quizzically as he 
>followed, taking the offramp at an unsafe speed

Vidstudent: Oh, come on, he's chasing an SI with intent to ticket. That's unsafe 
at any speed.

>in his determination to keep up with this guy.
>It wasn't easy; the silver bike was very agile, ducking and
>dipping through the backed-up in-town traffic, and once it even
>performed a rocket-assisted leap right over a packed intersection.

NeoVid [Beavis]: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing. Heh heh.
Ranma X [biker]: Oh my god! I can't stop this thing! HELP!
Tango: Whee! JATO-equipped motorbikes are fun!
Rebecca: That's an urban myth and you know it.
Tango: Not where I come from.
Rebecca: Of course.

>Leon managed to keep it in sight, even so, and as he drew near the
>area where the Buma call had come from, he saw something that made him
>groan.

Vidstudent [Leon, incredibly bored]: Oh boy, another god-boy hero running off to 
save the day. I suppose there goes any chance I might have had with Priss.

>The guy on the silver bike was driving right at the Buma, a
>Bu-55c that had taken it upon itself to rampage through the video
>arcades.

Vidstudent [Buma]: ARRGGH! *Damn* you, Eddy Gordo!
NeoVid [Buma]: No! Cable is too cheap even for me!
S.D. [Buma]: They have a Street Fighter *Three* now?

> There were no other units present yet, and the Buma had
>noticed the biker. It turned and set itself to meet his charge.

MMK: It's Kaneda! *No* one else has a sack *that* big!
Jonatan [Kaneda]: TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tango [Kaneda]: KAYFOUR*NIIIIIIIINE*!

> Leon stepped on the gas, hoping to get there in time to do something to
>save this brave idiot.

Rebecca: There's a fine line between bravery and stupidity. I think this guy's 
reached the latter.

>He needn't have worried. The front fairing on the bike opened
>up in two sections, one just above each headlight, revealing twelve
>stubby little circular objects. 

Tango: Hey! Egg-launchers!
MMK: Worse! Nerf darts!

>When they shot forth, spewing vapor, Leon knew they were missiles. 

NeoVid: Leon's been taking Spot Obvious Things 101, I see.
S.D.: Does anyone else realize that Gryphon's preferred way of dealing with most 
troubles is to send phallic objects at it? 
(A pause.)
Jonatan: That answers so much.
MMK: It's how he handles all his relationships, too.
Vidstudent: Yes. Let's not talk about that.

>The Buma was temporarily hidden by explosions; when it emerged from the smoke
>cloud,

Ranma X: It was standing there unharmed and it smirked. 
S.D.: And everybody was surprised because they were convinced that attack
killed him.
Rebecca: I think I've seen this episode before.
MMK [Screw]: Ha! He is obviously finished. No one could survive that 
much dust.

>it was missing an eye, a hand, and a decent chunk of one thigh, 

NeoVid: And its pants.
Jonatan: And someone had stolen its wallet.

>and it was pissed off.
>The Buma's mouth opened as it 

S.D.: --yawned.
MMK [Buma]: Hu-hum. Another day, another jobbing.

>prepared to fire its particle cannon.

Rebecca: Oh, yeah. Fire *particles*. That'll do some damage.
Tango [singing]: Doing the things a particle cannon!

>The silver motorcycle performed another of those incredible
>leaps just as the Buma's blue bolt shot forth to blow a decent-size
>hole in the pavement where it had just been. In midair, its
>components shifted, changing form around the rider.

(MMK makes "transforming" noises.)
Rebecca: Oh, crap. It's Kamen Rider.
NeoVid: He's also ripping off Robotech. Yay.

> The suspension swung downward, heavy shocks paralleling the rider's 
upper arms as the twin-tubed armatures locked against his 

Rebecca: --nuts.
(Rebecca and S.D. share a wicked chuckle.)
NeoVid: Good thing he had the suspension swinging downward.

>forearm guards; the fairing swung up and split in two to latch 
against his chest as the skid plate on the belly 

Ranma X: --shorted out and exploded.

>became chest and body armor. What Leon had taken for
>chain guards became "outriggers" of a sort against the upper legs as
>the boots elongated slightly, 

Tango: Gryphon always fights in high heels!

>and the engine, tank and seat folded up
>into a compact bundle on the rider's back, wheels locking up--he could
>see now that they must be shaft driven--

NeoVid: All good things are shaft driven!

>on either side behind his head. 

Rebecca: So... Ben really has managed to contrive a Cyclone into existence here 
in BGC land? Wonderful.
Vidstudent: While this went on at a sufficiently leisurely pace that Leon could 
comment on it properly, the Buma blasted a melon-sized hole in the rider.

>The armored warrior grounded about ten feet from the Buma and
>raised his hands, elbows tucked tight against his hips. 

MMK [armored warrior]: And now... we hug!

>The Buma took a step back and uncovered its heat-ray.

S.D. [Buma]: The *hell* I'm hugging you.
NeoVid [Dr. Evil]: I call it a "laser".

>The guy in what had been a motorcycle let off four more small
>missiles, one from each of the two tubes on each forearm.

Rebecca: Hang on... he fires missiles from the front... then the arms... so he's 
in a Battler Cyclone... 
Tango: Whats up?
Rebecca: He's got a Battler Cyclone with non-existent chest missiles!
Tango: They do too have chest missiles.
Rebecca: Right. And next thing you'll be telling me you believe in nose lasers 
and the Vindicator.
Tango: They do too exist! The magical MDC faries told me so!

> They spiraled the fifteen feet and slammed into the Buma, and the mechanoid
>monster was lost in the flare of white light as the plasma warheads
>went off. When the glare faded, the Buma, its entire torso gutted and

Ranma X [Midwestern accent]: ...cleaned, was ready to be filleted and cooked 
over an open flame... God, I love fishin'.

>melted and its head blown completely away, toppled to its back,
>twitched, and then lay still.

Rebecca: Of course, why four missiles kill it and a dozen merely wound is a 
different matter...
S.D.: Maybe combat in BGC is based on hit points.

>Arm tubes smoking, the armored rider turned and regarded
>Leon's car. The ADPoliceman got out of it and, sidearm ready,

Jonatan: A high-caliber minigun loaded with armor-piercing ammo isn't really
a sidearm, is it?
Tango: That's what they said on that space station, too.

>approached him. As he got closer, 

Vidstudent: --the stench of SI overpowered him and he collapsed.

>he noticed that it wasn't completely unpainted. 

Jonatan: The censors added a bathing suit.

>On the sides of the helmet spar and the front fairing, painted in 
>small, distinct black letters, were the words:

Tango: "Eat At Joe's".
Rebecca: "3v1l l33t".
Jonatan: "Kilroy Was Here".
Ranma X: "Baby on Board".
NeoVid: "Zoner's a Homo".
MMK: "EM PLEH".
S.D.: "For Anal Sex and Cake, Inquire Within".
Vidstudent: "If You Can Read This, My Paintjob's Worn Off".

>K N I G H T S A B E R S

S.D.: I'm a Knight Saber! Ask me how!

>"Knight Sabers?" Leon asked, holding his weapon to the side
>but ready. He was pretty sure the biker guy was on his side, but...
>"Oh, it's you, `Iron Man'."

Ranma X [Leon]: Man, have you lost your mind? Can you see, or are
you blind?
Rebecca: Actually, it's Defender.
NeoVid: Naw, it's a pallete-swap of War Machine they bought in for the fourth 
Versus game.

>"You're quick," the battlearmor replied in a familiar
>modulated voice. "I can see why you made Inspector so quickly." 

S.D. [Leon]: Aww... you're just saying that...
Jonatan: So is Leon the "Fighter" of this story?
Ranma X: I see no sword.

> He knelt on the ground, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Oh holy St. Leon, forgive me for my sins...

>then, and the part of his armor that had been the
>bike fell away, reforming 

NeoVid: --about as well as Chang and Choi did.

>into a motorcycle under him and lifting him
>up. He put one foot on the ground as it came fully upright and sat on
>it like any biker at a stop sign, ready to ride away.
>
>"Funny guy," Leon said. "What happened to your hardsuit?"

MMK [Gryphon]: ...look, I'm not as young as I used to be, and...

>"Nothing," Gryphon replied. "This is an emergency backup
>system, in case anything does happen to it."

Tango [Gryphon]: See, even my backups have to be ten times more kickass than the 
best the real characters will ever get.

> Gryphon decided not to correct Leon; it would take him at least ten minutes 

Vidstudent: --and several hundred pages--

>to explain the
>difference between his armor and a hardsuit, and it was a technicality
>that only mattered to techies like him anyway.

Ranma X: Thank you for sparing us the four hundred page technical details, Ben. 
My gratitude knows no bounds.
MMK [Gryphon]: See, it's 'cause mine's not painted.
NeoVid [Leon]: Oh.

>"Emergency backup? When it's converted, that thing is easily
>the equivalent of one of our Armored Troopers."

Rebecca: You take that back, Leon! A kid with an ice-cream tub on his head is 
the equivalent of one of your armored troopers. A guy on a Cyclone's far better 
off, even if it isn't airtight.
Vidstudent: Are we riffing canon or the 'fic? 
Tango: Yes. 

>"Exactly the benchmark I was shooting for. Thanks. 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: That hurts, man. That really hurts.

>As you can see by my sadly undecorated state," he went on, waving a hand at
>his unpaintedness, "I'm in the testing phase. 

MMK [Leon]: Oh! (Pause) Drugs?
Tango [Gryphon]: Why, ye--no! You idiot!

>This was the first
>field test of this equipment, and I'm quite prepared to call it
>successful."
>
>"Testing phase? 

(A pause.)
MMK [Leon]: Drugs?
(Vidstudent takes a swing at him.)

>You built this yourself?"

NeoVid [Gryphon]: No, the magic mecha fairies gave it to me. You have no idea 
how many teeth I had to save up.

>"Every part, machined by hand," the biker replied with
>electronically modulated pride. "Beautiful work, if I do say so
>myself."

MMK [Gryphon]: And I do. Constantly. I really must be stopped.

>"I'd say," Leon agreed, holstering his sidearm. He
>appreciated good machinery, and what the hell, the guy had taken out
>the Buma. 

Jonatan: ...out on the town for a night of fun dining, a matinee, and hot 
loving...
S.D.: No, that's what Leon wants to do with him.

>That was what the Knight Sabers did. 

Tango [Leon]: Makes *my* job easier! I just drive around and chase speeders
for kicks!

>Besides, his bike was fast and his armor was strong, and Leon had no 
>illusions about being

Ranma X: --the receiver of the SI's sloppy seconds.

>able to stop him without going back to his car and getting the missile
>launcher. His gut told him the silver biker was on his side, and that
>was good enough. 

NeoVid [Leon]: Must... not... fight... Aura of Smooth(tm)... Must... stand... in 
awe... of Avatar Coolness...

>Still, he could hear approaching sirens; the
>oncoming ADPolice ESWAT 

NeoVid: Wasn't that game on the Genesis?

>team probably wouldn't feel the same way.

Jonatan: This is how Maverick Cops are created.
NeoVid: Cool. Just like a biosphere.
Ranma X: Except here you can't plug the airholes and kill them.

>The silver cyclist had apparently had the same idea; he
>started the engine and raised a hand in salute. 

Tango [Gryphon]: Zieg heil!
MMK [Leon]: Why, that's a nice finger.

>"See you around, Inspector McNichol," he said. He twisted his throttle, 
>pulled a

S.D.: --thigh muscle, lost control, and was run over by his own bike. The
End.

>wheelie, and rode away into the night, leaving Leon with a dead Buma
>and some explaining to do.

Ranma X: Must not make "I love Lucy" reference... Must not make "I love Lucy" 
reference...
Rebecca: Leon, you've got some 'splaining to do!
(Ranma X glares at Rebecca.)
Rebecca: You had your chance.

>Some blocks away, a low-slung red street machine 

Rebecca: It's Kane, and he's pissed!

>swung out of a side street and pulled abreast 

NeoVid: Finally, a gratuitous sex scene!
(Ranma X glares at NeoVid.)

>of the silver motorcycle, its rider a
>woman in red leathers and with long brown hair in a ponytail out of
>her 

Tango: --shorts. She really should get a doctor to do something about that.

>helmet. She opened up the visor of her helmet at the next red
>light and called across, "How'd it go?"
>
>Gryphon shoved back his facebowl and replied, "Decent. 

S.D. [Gryphon]: Leon's fighting it, but I can tell he's taken by my suave 
charms. He'll soon be mine... oh, yes. He will be mine.

> She's faster than I expected, and handles even better than my estimates. If
>I do say so myself, and I'd better 'cos no one else will, 

Rebecca: No disagreements there, buddy.
MMK: Won't hear it from us.
Jonatan: No, sir, you're on your own.

> I've really outdone myself this time." 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: And they thought you couldn't make underwater bee hives... 
hah, I say!

>He grinned widely and went on, "We'll talk back at the shop. Ok?"

S.D. [Priss]: I hate it when you talk shop.

>"Ok," Priss replied. Gryphon gave her a thumbs-up, which she
>returned, and roared off with her close behind.

Tango: And *then* she pulled out the rocket launcher.
NeoVid: And when he was ten paragraphs into the description of how he'd avoid 
being killed by it, she stabbed him.

>"Yep," Gryphon said, rubbing the side of the tank with a rag,
>"a marvel of modern engineering. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I've invented... the rag!

>You've got to try it sometime, Priss...responsive, quick...mm! 

Rebecca [Priss]: Gryphon, that's my toilet you're drinking out of.
Tango [Gryphon]: I did wonder about that odd yet strangely enticing boquiet.

>It's the best bike I've ever ridden...and I've ridden a few."

Jonatan: You're a slut.

>"You're so modest," Priss replied with a smile, patting his
>shoulder.

(All gag.)
Vidstudent: Who are you and what have you done to Priss? 

>"About which, my experience, or my engineering triumphs?"
>
>"Both."

Jonatan: Watch! As Gryphon's ego inflates!
Vidstudent: Thrill! As it overpowers an entire universe!
MMK: Marvel! At the amazing way he kisses his own ass!
Tango: Taste! The goodness of popcorn!
All: Yay! Popcorn!

>"Well, I'm pleasantly surprised, is all. I expected it to be
>sweet, but this...well, I've never had 

MMK [Gryphon]: --to eat a bike before... it's totally sweet!

>a bike that handled this well before, or accelerated this fast.

Tango: Max's bike is better.
Rebecca: Don't mention that bike.
Tango: But it's so shiny!

> It's really great, so why not be honest about it? 

Ranma X: So no one will be provoked to kill you?

>And as far as my experience goes, well...if you've
>done it...flaunt it." 

(Jonatan pulls out a piece of paper.)
Jonatan: Hmmm... zilch EXP points. That explains it.

>He smiled--actually, it was more of a comically
>exaggerated leer--

NeoVid: Bah. Not nearly as good as mine.
Vidstudent: Or he was having an epileptic attack.
S.D.: The two are very similar.
Ranma X: Especially in NeoVid's case.
NeoVid: Hey!

>and twitched his eyebrows above half-lidded eyes. A
>good-natured thump in the shoulder was his reward.

Tango: Critical hit! (Rolls dice) Two fingers severed!

>"Go on," Priss said, walking over to the bench and picking up
>a spanner. "Your first bike was a '75 Honda."

Rebecca: And here I was thinking Priss was his first "bike".

>"CB550," Gryphon agreed, reminiscing. "I loved that bike.

Ranma X: In a purely platonic way.
Jonatan: Especially with a light wine sauce.

> It wasn't very powerful, or very fast, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: In fact, it sucked! What was I thinking?

>but it handled nice, especially once I got the new tires on it. 

Vidstudent: Driving without tires got boring fast.

>I bought a silk aviator's scarf just
>so I could feel like a fighter pilot when I rode it. 

Rebecca [Priss]: You're a sad, sad boy.
MMK [Gryphon]: I know... (pause) Do I get a hug?
Rebecca [Priss]: No.
MMK [Gryphon]: I hurt. I need sexual healing.

>Took my test with that scarf on...summer of '93. Ahh...those were 
the days." 

(Jonatan hums the Wonder Years theme.)

>He leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed above his head, and
>sighed. "You can't go home again."

Tango: At least not after I'm through with it! BUAHAHAHAH!
Rebecca: Grant Morrison OFF! (She hits him.)
Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE!

>"No," Priss agreed, "but you can make new ones." She put the
>spanner down on the bench. "Do you feel at home here?"

Jonatan: Yep, it's just like home. The Rampaging boomers remind him of how Old 
Man Cletus used to come after him with the shotgun when he was a kid.

>"Here? In MegaTokyo?" He considered. "Yeah, I guess
>so...most of the time. Sometimes when I'm out in the city alone, I
>still feel like a stranger in a strange land, 

NeoVid: Hey, Gryphon! Heinlein called. He wants your ass.
Jonatan: I finally understand it! Gryphon thinks of himself as Michael Valentine 
Smith.
S.D.: I don't grok what you mean.
Jonatan: Simple. Don't you see? He acts all knowledgeable, able to do anything 
and everything, and has all the ladies falling for him.
Rebecca: The similarities are eerie.
MMK: So similar it's Eyrie?
Rebecca: Yes.
(A pause.)
Rebecca: Damn it!
(MMK ^_^s.)

> but most of the time,
>when I'm among friends...yeah. That's what home has always been to
>me, really. Not so much a place, as a gathering of friends."

Rebecca: So what is this, frigging Voyager?
S.D.: Don't give them any ideas.

>"Mm." Priss was silent for a moment, reflecting. "There was
>a time when I didn't have any friends."

Ranma X: Really? I'd have never guessed.
Rebecca [Priss]: They kept dying all the time. It was really annoying. I'd call 
them and say, "Hey, wanna see a movie tonight?" and they'd go "Urggh..." and
die, and I'd have to avenge them.

>"I'd hate that," Gryphon said. "When I was little, I didn't
>have any friends, except books. 

Ranma X: I never would have guessed.
Tango [Ben]: I'll never forget the day "Treasure Island" beat me up and stole
my lucnh money. I was crushed.

>I made my first real friend when I was a freshman in high school. 

MMK [Gryphon]: He was made of straw and wood.
Vidstudent [Gryphon]: God bless shop class!

>By the end of that year I had three.

Jonatan: Two of which were imaginary, and the other one was a carrot.
Tango: You leave Mr. Carrot out of this!

>A couple of years later I made a couple more. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I was really getting the hang of this Frankenstein business.

>Then I went to Worcester, and there they were all around me. 

MMK [Maximillian Roivas]: They were all around me... dear god! All
around! I knew what I had to do... they had to *go*! By *blade*
and *bullet*, I had to get RID OF THEM! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? DEAR
GOD, I *HAD* TO DO IT! *HAD* TO!
(A pause.)
MMK: What?
Rebecca: Nothing.
MMK: *What*?

>My own kind. Kinsmen,
>gweeps and Wedge Rats all. My definitions of home and family changed
>that year, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Take that, Webster!

>much to my parents' 

Rebecca: --satisfaction.

>dismay."

(Rebecca snaps her fingers.)

>"`Home' became wherever you and your friends happened to be,
>and `family' became your friends?"

Ranma X: And his parents disowned him.

>"Yeah." He chuckled. "I call Zoner `brother' sometimes, but
>we're not really related, at least as far as either of us knows.

Rebecca: I guess that means they can get married after all.
MMK: Yeah, and they could live like a sitcom after Zoner leaves Gryphon, see? 
And Gryphon gets this girl who likes him, but doesn't say anything because 
he's gay, and--
Vidstudent: MMK?
MMK: Yes, Vid?
Vidstudent: Shut up.

>Although, hey, you know, we just could be. It would be weird enough.
>But either way, we're so similar that

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --if one of us was erased from existence, no one would notice 
the loss.
S.D.: Loss?

> we couldn't be anything else."
>"What about me?"

MMK [Priss]: WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?
Tango: He's fine with Reese.
Jonatan [Gryphon]: I'm tired of talking about me. How about you talk about me 
for a while?

>"What about you? Well...you're you. There's no one in the
>world like you. 

MMK [singing]: I can't wait for the nights with you! I imagine the things 
we'll do-oo! I just wanna be loved, by youuuuuuuuuu-uuu!
Ranma X: Of course, there *is* cloning...
Jonatan: [rubs his beard thoughtfully] And evil doubles from another dimension,
of course.
[Ranma X goggles for a moment.]
Rebecca [Looks up form a copy of UF]: Actually...

>If there's one ability of mine that I find to be a
>curse most of the time, it's my perception.

Jonatan: If you're so damned perceptive, how come you haven't noticed how damned 
annoying you are?

> I think I'm one of the only people in the world who can read MegaZone,

Tango: I took a course in reading MegaZone in university.
Rebecca: You went to university?
Tango: Ace Obedience School, graduated top of the class of '77.

> and likewise, I'm one of the only people in the world who can read you."

MMK [Gryphon]: Of course, we'll have to throw you into the printing press first.

>"You can read me?" Interest--and a spark of worry--showed in
>her eyes, cybernetic though they were.

S.D.: Since when has Priss had cyber-eyes?
Rebecca: About five minutes now.

> Gryphon marveled at their sophistication, not for the first time. The eyes 
> were the windows to the soul, it has been said, 

Jonatan: --and eyelashes are actually fashionable curtains.

>and Priss's eyes fulfilled that capacity
>better than she suspected, despite the fact that "BAUSCH & LOMB" was
>printed in tiny letters on their blood-red irises.

Tango [Peering]: Made in Taiwan, all rights reserved, not valid in Utah, discard 
unused portion, five cent deposit in South Australia only, fnord.

>"Yes. It isn't easy, but it's possible. I find you let down
>a lot of your guard when you're around me." 

Jonatan: Course, the fact that he wrote Priss that way has no bearing on 
anything whatsoever. No siree!

>At this comment she stiffened perceptibly,

Ranma X: Fortunately, he didn't.

> but relaxed moments later; it was true. "You show a side of yourself 
>to me that I don't think you show to other people often,

NeoVid: The backside?
MMK: And Gryphon's pretty happy, ain't--
Vidstudent: Shut up, you two.

> and you probably didn't realize until I told you that
>you did."

S.D.: Well, of course, she doesn't. Her INT level drops whenever someone with 
Aura of Smooth is around.

>She accepted the analysis without comment, then asked, "What
>do I say?"

Tango: Ensuing! Rhombus! Enclave! Frost Free Fridge!
(There is a faint 'ding'.)
MMK: Demi Moore!
(The 'ding' is slightly louder.)
Rebecca: LEMUR!
(The 'ding' is louder still.)
Rebecca: Top that.

>"Your strength, and toughness, and all that...they aren't just
>an act. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: They're the main event, baby!

>They're real, not a veneer. You're made of steel.

Tango: Magnet made of Iron, Priss made of meat.

> But they are a defense mechanism. There's so much pain in you, 

S.D. [Gryphon]: Ready to be shared.

>so close to the surface. So bravely hidden...but so obvious to 
someone like me." 

Jonatan: Thank you, Ben Hutchins, doctor of psychiatry!
(Ranma X makes quacking sounds.)

>He sighed, grabbing his face in his hand and shaking his head, eyes
>squeezed shut. 

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Alas, poor Gryphon! I knew him, Prissatio.

>"Shit, I have to be careful. So careful..."

NeoVid: Tonight on Melodrama Acting 101...

>"Careful?" She took a couple of steps toward him. "Careful
>of what?"

Tango: Of Invisible Elves that come in the night and try to steal your 
underpants! Away, damned Elves, away!
MMK: You get those, too?
Tango: Every Saturday night.
Jonatan: Another wonderful spinoff of the American space program.

>"Well, you see, it's like this. I'm not the most emotionally
>stable person in the world.

All: NO!
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Sorry, that's a lie. I really am.

> You don't see that now, because I'm
>happy, and in a position of control in my life, but I'm actually
>pretty fucked up. 

Rebecca: You said it, not me.

> That's where at least half of my good nature comes
>from. Noticed how easily frustrated I am? 

S.D.: I stopped noticing anything about him when I went into the coma.

>How I avoid situations
>like...well, like this? Being one-on-one with someone, anyone? It's
>because of my nature.

S.D. [Gryphon]: That and I can't play basketball.
NeoVid: Well, after all, male homo sapiens of European descent can't jump.

>"It's my nature to love. 

Jonatan: We've replaced Gryphon with a bad French actor. Let's see if anyone 
notices...

>The tiniest provocation--or
>sometimes none at all--and my emotions start playing the Masochism
>Tango in my head.

(All look at Tango.)
Tango: (shrugging) He's my far half-cousin by my mother's side.

> I've done it six or seven times that I can count,

Vidstudent: I'm glad for you, Gryphon. I really am.

>and I'm only twenty. 

S.D. [Gryphon, mumbling]: --something.

>It happens in friendships. It happens in casual
>acquaintanceships. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: It happens on Mars. It happens in the closet I hide in.

>Once it happened in no relationship at all--a
>picture on a television screen and the most beautiful voice I had ever
>heard set it off.

Rebecca: Then he had to go change his trousers.

> So when I meet someone I genuinely like, I go on guard, 

Tango: Touche!

>knowing how rapidly that kind of thing can get out of hand with
>me. 

Jonatan: This dialogue has more details on Ben's sex drive than I care to know.
All: Amen.

>As time goes on, and the bonds become stronger, 

Ranma X: I wait for them to mature and sell them for a profit.
(All stare at Ranma X.)
Ranma X: What?
MMK: Dude? You're still here?
Ranma X: I'm here the whole time!

>it gets harder to control, and eventually I start to feel comfortable, 
>and then I drop my barriers completely.

Tango: Then hordes of starving East Germans stampede over into you for freedom 
and food!

>"That's about the time it usually goes straight to hell in a
>handbasket, and I usually don't even salvage a friendship out of the
>mess. 

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: After they experienced the Gryphonator, I don't see why 
not.
Tango: Maybe he should learn to recycle.

>I did once--I was lucky--but aside from that one case, every
>time the smoke clears,

NeoVid: Hundreds of hectares of bush has been burnt out.

>whoever it was is very uncomfortable around me,

S.D.: Don't worry. We understand them.

>and I take off. 

MMK: For the moon... or bust!

>When I came here, I was stupid enough to 

Ranma X [Gryphon]: --just be myself. That was one big mistake.

>think it would be different." He opened the lab door and went 

Jonatan: Completely bananas.

>through into the corridor, then down to the garage where his car 
>waited. Priss followed.

Rebecca: Like the good loyal animated-character-slash-dog that she was.
S.D. [Priss]: Arf!

>"Wait a minute," she called after him. "What are you saying?"

MMK [Priss]: And could you summarize it, this time?
Rebecca: I could be mistaken, but he appears to be dumping you so 
he can go off and be an antisocial dick.

>He opened up the driver's door and got in, waving at the
>passenger seat. 

Vidstudent: --bidding it goodbye.
Jonatan: Why the passenger seat was taking a bus was still an unexplained 
mystery.
(A pause.) 
Jonatan: On second thought... no, it isn't.

>She came around and got in, leaving the door open.
>Gryphon started fooling around

S.D.: Well, that didn't take long...

>with the onboard computer for a distraction.

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Solitaire... minesweeper... hearts... who put all this 
crap on here?

>"Isn't it obvious?" he replied, slotting a 2" disk and keying
>the download process into action. "My thoughts are dominated, 

NeoVid: Damn those Ventrue.
Tango [Singing]: Gimmie gimme world domination!

>every
>waking moment, by a single train of thoughts, a single set of images.

Jonatan: Gryphon.
MMK: Nope. MegaZone.
(Jonatan arches an eyebrow at MMK.)
S.D.: By George, I think you're on to something.

>I can think, yes, I can function, but everything is referenced back to
>the same person.

Tango: Steve Purcell?
MMK: Carrot Top.
Jonatan: No! It was Robert Deniro, everyone's favorite action hero!

> Everything I see is connected in some way,
>everything I experience tied somehow to a reminder of, the same
>person. 

S.D. [Gryphon]: MegaZone.

>I fixate, and stay fixated for probably a month or so of the
>most agonizing experience...it's unpleasant, 

Rebecca: It's called obsession.
Jonatan: And then the glue fails.

>but there's always the
>hope...and then I come down, usually without managing to keep the
>whole thing quiet, and blam. Everything goes to hell."

Ranma X: It signs up for the six-week package tour, even.

> He stabbed a couple of keys almost accusingly.

Tango [Gryphon]: From hell's heart, I stab at thee! Stab! Stab!
Jonatan: Those poor innocent defenseless keys...

> "I had so hoped that, after all my
>training, I could be over this stupidity...

All: Ha!

>I had so hoped that, if
>nothing else, Cheryl had taught me not to be such a damned fool." 

Vidstudent: Looks like he failed that course, then.
S.D.: I thought Rose was teaching him.
Jonatan: Ah, who the hell knows anymore. Besides, it's not that he's going to
tell who Cheryl is anyway.

>He removed the disk from the dash computer and pocketed it, then 
started punching keys almost savagely.

MMK: I tried that! Great stress reliever. And it helps whenever I play 
Incredible Crisis.

>Priss sat back in the seat as a tear rolled down Gryphon's
>cheek, 

NeoVid: Gained Item: Gryphon's Tear!
Tango: You prosess Dracula's Rib!

>not knowing what to make of this situation. 

Rebecca [Priss]: This would be why I don't talk to people.

>She didn't have his problem; if anything, she had the opposite problem. 
>She found it very difficult to love, or even, really, to trust. 

Jonatan: Which is why she allowed two total strangers with heavy weaponry to 
spend the night in her trailer - which had somehow turned into an apartment, 
but never mind that - by telling her that they weren't real killers, really. And 
of course, letting them meet and join the other Knight Sabers after they 
told her a story that could've been dug out of a cheap sci-fi novel and 
blathered a bunch of obscure jokes. Yeah, she's got a hard time trusting, but 
her recent *lobotomy* really helps.
(A pause.) 
MMK: Yeah... what he said. (He ^_^s)

>She hardly ever
>revealed her feelings to herself, let alone other people.

Rebecca: We've sectrely replaced Priss with BGC 2040's Priss. Let's see who
notices.
Tango [2040 Priss, muttered]: ...life is a bleak and meaningless existance...
...Linna looks hot in those pants... ...I like guns and chesse...

>Yet here
>was Gryphon, obviously suffering, and he was a friend. 

S.D. [Priss]: Must remember... Gryphon friend... must not fight... 
programming...

>She had few friends, and, however secretly, treasured those she had, and 
>she felt she ought to help him... but showing sympathy was not in her nature.

Ranma X: She decided to end his suffering in a more permanent way... 
(Ranma X motions cocking a shotgun.)

>She fought a quiet battle with herself for a moment, and then made a
>decision.

MMK [Priss]: Yeah, man, that's definitely butter.

>She reached out, took him by the near shoulder, and turned him
>to face her. "Are you 

Jonatan [Zuul]: --a God?
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Yes.
Jonatan [Zuul]: Oh. (pause) Carry on, then.

> talking about me?" she asked quietly, in a tone
>so unlike her that Gryphon appeared momentarily surprised. 

MMK [Gryphon]: She's chortling like Sweet Tooth! Priss never does that at home!

>"Is that
>what you're trying to say?"

Rebecca [Gryphon]: No, I was just being melodramatic and angsty.
NeoVid [Priss]: Oh... carry on then.

>He smiled sadly. "No, fortunately. I felt the warning signs
>of that kind of thing when I first met you, 

Jonatan: Sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, erotic dreams... that sort of 
thing.
Vidstudent: The seven thunders, the star over Priss, and river of blood were 
also dead give-aways...

>but I kept it together, which surprised me. 

MMK [Gryphon]: Then I saw this neon sign advertising Coca-Cola, and it surprised 
me, too.
Tango [Gryphon]: Then there was this cloud...
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Look, dirt!

>I do love you--curse that word, it has so many
>meanings--

S.D. [Gryphon]: --and I left my dictionary in the 20th century.
Rebecca: I'm actually grateful he didn't bring a thesaurus.

>but so far, I haven't gotten all messed up in you. Give me
>until Christmas and ask again...if I run away, 

Ranma X: Shoot him.

>you'll know what the answer was. 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Maybe not what the question was, though.

>By then, my current situation should have blown

Tango: It already does.

> up in my
>face." He chuckled. "It would be another textbook case of Gryphon's
>emotions running wild, though. Gods know I've fallen for women much
>like you, in the past, tough, independent, 

MMK: --animated--
Vidstudent: --fictional--
Rebecca: --brainwashed--

>but somehow...I don't know,
>almost vulnerable, although the mere mention of the word makes you
>bristle. But no, not this time."

S.D.: I think this is the part where we're supposed to feel sympathy for Ben.
Jonatan: Sorry, I had most of those feelings surgically blocked before I got 
here. I'm saving it for the rest of the cast.

>"Oh." She took her hand off his shoulder and looked down,
>embarrassed somehow. 

Rebecca [Priss, thinking]: Where's a frickin' bathroom when you need one?

>She had been pretty certain her guess was right,

MMK [Priss]: Yep. Gryphon's gay.

>and, surprisingly, the thought hadn't annoyed her, as it usually did
>when she found out that someone was attracted to her.

Ranma X: Partly because it was damn difficult to hide the bodies...

> She felt kind of silly to have come out with

Rebecca: -Linna.

> the theory now that it 
>wasn't right--

Rebecca: Oh.

> but then, it had been a good guess, and based on past
>experiences. 

S.D.: ...and, uh, *what* based on past experiences?

>Both had originally been all right with what had
>happened at the Storm Warnings party, but things change...

Ranma X: --into OOC disasters.
NeoVid: The more things change, the more they stay the same.

>"Don't worry about it," Gryphon went on. "It was a hell of a
>good guess, and like I said, give me six months or so and it might
>turn out to be right. You are the type of woman I usually get into
>this kind of mess because of." 

Rebecca: Oh, sure, blame the woman, why don't you?

>He grinned wryly. "It's a little disturbing that the kind of woman 
>I'm usually attracted to is so much like Zoner."

Jonatan: Damn it. 
(Jonatan hands MMK a $20 bill.)
S.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the yaoi subtext.

>That took her aback for a second. 

Tango [Priss]: Dude, *bleah*!

>Did he just compare her to Zoner? They were totally unlike! Not even
>remotely similar, at all!

NeoVid: Outside of Gryphon's little world, yeah.
Rebecca: Whjat did I say about 2040 Priss?
Tango [2040 Priss, muttered]: ...Pink Floyd, yeah that's the stuff...
...world's greatest secret agent... ...tell Yuri how I really feel about her...

>She tried to be indignant about it, but failed.

S.D.: I hate when I botch Emote rolls.

>"No," Gryphon said sadly, "this time, I've gotten further out
>of my league than ever before." 

NeoVid: 20,000 leagues under, in fact.
MMK [Space Ghost]: Go to 21,000 leagues! Because it's more fantastical!

>He pressed his lips together in a thin, bitter line. 

Vidstudent: --and hummed.

>"If experience is the best teacher, then why the hell can't I 
>ever learn anything?"

Jonatan: Because you're an insufferable SI with a technofetish who thinks that 
missiles solve every problem. Next question?
Vidstudent: Hey, big guns solve an amazing number of problems, you know.
Jonatan: Oh, so you're defending Gryphon, are you?
Vidstudent: No, I just--
Jonatan: Maybe you want to join his group of precious friends? Would that make 
you *happy*?
Vidstudent: I'm just saying--
Jonatan: Why do I even let you sit next to me, huh?
*BLAM!*
Jonatan: That's not an answer and you know it. [falls out of his seat]

>"Look," Priss said, recovering from her embarrassment, "you
>need to talk to someone about this, or you'll explode. 

Ranma X: The prospect of this 'fic is suddenly brighter.

> I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone, 

Rebecca [Priss]: I am... a man.
(Pregnant pause.)
MMK [Gryphon]: I kinda figured from last night.

>not since my parents died. Look at me." She turned his face by hand, 

MMK: When that didn't work, she used a monkey wrench.

>in case he should prove
>reluctant, and met his gaze with her own. "You are part of my family.

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Oh, shit.
Rebecca: Yes! This is perfect! Odds of Gryph death go through the roof!
Tango: Him and Sho's Mother. She's on her own till she gets a first name.

>Yeah, sure, I'm tough and strong and all that other shit, but fuck all
>that right now.

NeoVid [Gryphon]: What, *all* of it? 
(A short pause.)
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Can do!

>Like you said once, it's after one in the morning,
>there's no caffeine left to power the illusions. 

Jonatan: Now that'd make a nifty school of magic.

>You're in a lot of pain here, 

MMK: No way! This is a lot of pain.
(Under a minute later, the others have witnessed the MMK tangled 
up in a heap of garrote wire, flaming baseball bats, five chainsaws,
a net of thorns, whipped cream, burning tar, a box of razor blades, 
and a llama.) 
MMK [under the pile]: Ha! Beat that!
Ranma X: Well... that's nice, but--
NeoVid: I can beat it!
(Soon, NeoVid has several hundred swords, needles, daggers, toothpicks, 
shurikens, arrows, and pointy sticks stuck all the way through his body, 
and to top it off, is impaled on a beach ball.)
Ranma X: Granted, this is all very kinky, but--
Vidstudent: You know, some people are going to regret missing that.
Tango: Then they'll regret missing *this*!
(Within a minute Tango is suspended upside down from the roof by a 
glob of boiling glue, his body covered in shards of glass and small
carnivorous fish and his limbs twisted into a vaguely Escher-esque 
design.)
Tango: I'm in a lot of pain here!
MMK: Oh, yeah?
(The tangled pile of painful objects that is currently MMK slowly rises
to its feet, produces a wooden folding table from out of nowhere, sets
the table up, and drives itself through the table with a standing 
moonsault.)
MMK: *I*'m in a lot of pain here!
NeoVid: Oh, *yeah*?
(NeoVid struggles gamely, but fails to get up.)
NeoVid: Damn.
(The boiling glue on the ceiling gives out, causing Tango to fall from
the roof and land directly on NeoVid.)
NeoVid: Ow! I'm in a lot of pain here!
(A pause.)
Rebecca: I regret *seeing* this.

>and I can't let that go on." She took a breath, let it
>out, and then continued, "You're right, 

Rebecca [Priss]: ...I *do* have halitosis.

>the word has too damned many
>meanings. Figure it out, damn it, I love you."
>
>Gryphon blinked.

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: I don't suppose I can borrow a dictionary or thesaurus?

>"It's true. You and your wacko friend--" she smiled a bit at
>the memory-- "popped into my life one night, endangered it, saved it,
>and changed it, all in the space of a few hours. 

Rebecca: --or her money back.

>Before I met you guys, I had four friends. It went up to six that 
>night, although I

NeoVid [Priss]: --tried to resist the mind control.

>didn't realize it for a few weeks. 

S.D. [Priss]: I'm bad with math. Really bad with math.

>You figure out for yourself how
>significant the numbers there are. We've ridden 

NeoVid [Priss]: --each other--

>together, hit the range together, jammed, fought shoulder to shoulder 
for our

(MMK stands up weareing a kilt.)
MMK [Priss]: FREEEDOOOOM!
(Tango mimes bursting from the ground.)
Tango [Excel]: FALEEE-DAAMU!

>lives--hell, Gryphon, we've done the most intimate thing two people
>can do together! 

Jonatan: Joined the Columbia Record Club?

>Now start this car, and drive back to your
>apartment, and if we have to talk all night, you are going to feel
>better in the morning. Do you understand me?"

MMK [Gryphon, mushy]: Stop it! Just stop it!
(MMK quickly uses an eyedropper to put fake tears in his eyes.)
MMK [Gryphon, mushy]: You had me at "hello."

>Gryphon blinked again. Then, silently, he strapped in,
>started the car, and keyed the garage door. 

NeoVid: Aw man, and I just had that garage door repainted. Son of a...

>Before long, they had reached his apartment, a cluttered studio on 
>the top floor of an office building. 

Vidstudent: It was difficult getting the piano up there, but it was 
worth it.

>Gryphon dumped his field jacket on the Japanese office chair by the 
police box, kicked off his Chucks, and collapsed

Jonatan: --into himself, becoming a small black hole. Oops.

>on the couch. Priss ditched her boots and hung onto the jacket,
>wadding it up and 

Vidstudent: --stuffing it into Gryphon's mouth.

>leaning an elbow on it as she sat down on the floor
>next to the end of the sofa.
>
>"All right," she said, "talk."

S.D.: *Please* don't encourage him.

>"What do you mean," Gryphon replied, "talk?"

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Aren't we getting naked?

>"Start at the beginning. This story's been trying to get out
>of you since it started. Now's your chance to tell it."
>
>"The beginning? 

MMK [Gryphon]: Okay, story time.
(He looks around again and notices the lack of reactions.)
MMK: Sheesh! I keep forgetting--
(Cue in falling elephant again.) 
MMK (under elephant): *There* we go! Man, feels like home.
Jonatan: There's an elephant in my snacks. *Again*.

> That was a long time ago. Middle school. 1986. I was thirteen."
>
>"Yeah?"

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: No. I was lying.

>"There was a girl in some of my classes. It was stupid. I
>was thirteen."

MMK [Gryphon]: You see, I was thirteen. And I was thirteen.
Rebecca [Priss]: And you were how old?
MMK [Gryphon]: I was thirteen.

>"Uh huh. Go on..."

MMK [Gryphon]: Then came the war.
(A beat.)
MMK [Gryphon]: I was thirteen.

>"I actually ended up making

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --hot monkey love.

> friends with her in high school...we sat together in biology
>sophomore year and traded music tips. Our tastes were pretty close."

MMK [Gryphon]: I was thirteen.
(Ranma X smacks MMK. MMK nosells.)
MMK [Gryphon]: Still thirteen.

>"This girl didn't have a name?"

Vidstudent: Let's just call her "Miss Take."
NeoVid: Probably closer to "Miss Shapen."
Rebecca: Or "Zoner." That's good, too.

>"Not important."
>
>"Everything's important."

S.D.: Oh. That's why he spends years describing it all.

>"Are you sure you aren't Austrian?"

Tango [Gryphon]: I was, but the sugery fixed that!

>"My mother was Irish. I ended up with her looks, and her
>attitude, and Dad's religion. I'll tell you my life story later.
>Promise. 

Ranma X: Please don't!
S.D.: Don't you have any mercy?

> Now go on. Forget about her name if you don't want to tell
>me--she's sixty-some now anyway."

MMK [Gryphon]: And I was thirteen.

>The thought hadn't occurred to Gryphon, and he was mildly
>unsettled by it for a second. Then he gathered his wits 

Rebecca: ...in a thimble.

>and continued. "Her name was--is--Lori. Next...oh Gods. The next one
>was even stupider. It was actually two. 

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: See? I'm bad at math, too!

>There were a couple of sisters, my junior year, and I think I 
>alternated between them on about a daily basis. 

Jonatan: Ooh, kinky, but...
Rebecca: The fact that it involves Gryphon turns you off, right?
Jonatan: Yes, there's that.

>I was...sixteen, 

MMK [Gryphon]: Almost had you there, didn't I? Ha!

>then. It was just as stupid.
>No...it was more stupid. By then I should've known better. 

MMK [Gryphon]: I was... sixteen.
Vidstudent: Except for the tragic fact that he's Gryphon.

>That one, like the one before it, I managed to keep fairly 
>quiet."

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I was hunting wabbits.

>"Uh huh. Keep going..."

S.D. [sarcastic]: Don't stop on our account.

>"Ok...senior year next...well, there was the class president,
>and her best friend whose lead trombone I played second to in stage
>band...

Jonatan: --ifyouknowwhatImean.

>that was a lot like the year before, except we were actually
>friends, and had been for quite some time...I thought I kept it under
>my hat pretty well, but a year or so later 

Tango [Gryphon]: My afro got out.
(All gasp.)

>I told one of them, and she laughed and said they'd always known, 
>but they didn't want to let me know they knew, 'cos 

MMK [Gryphon]: --if I knew that they knew that I knew that they knew that 
I knew that they knew that I knew that they knew that I knew that they knew 
that I knew that they knew that I knew what they knew--

>it would've made me feel horrible...

(A beat.)
MMK [Gryphon]: Because I was sixteen.
Ranma X: God *damn* it!

>she was right, it would've. Turns out she kind of liked me too...one 
>of those things that make you go `huh?'..."

All: Huh?

>"Mm hmm..."

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: No, I said "huh?"
Rebecca [Priss]: Huh?
Vidstudent [Gryphon]: That's it.

>"Oh, Gods. Then I got to college and really lost 

Ranma X: --everyone's respect.

>it.
>Suddenly I had a zillion friends, most of them gweeps at first, and
>then, around October, I started getting in with the fringe elements,
>Zoner among them. 

S.D. [Gryphon]: It was love at first sight.

>One of the gweeps had caught my eye, when I first
>rejoined GweepCo, but she was involved with someone, so I 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --had him 'dealt with'.

>chalked up to bad timing and went on. Little did I realize, then, 
>what would end up happening there.

S.D. [Gryphon]: "Three's a crowd", indeed.

>"Anyway...then there was Tricia." He smiled. "Tricia is the
>one I got lucky with. 

Jonatan: Oh, great... Gryphon's going to tell us he scored...

>She was in my calculus class, and kind of took
>me under her wing as I struggled with failing. 

Vidstudent: They have a course in failing?
Jonatan: It seems to be the only thing I'm taking these days.

>Then she got involved
>with the Wedge Rat crowd, and the people who lived at E7, where 

Tango [Gryphon]: My bishop was parked to keep her king from moving.

>Zoner lived. She started going out with his roommate Mark, who was a 
>friend of mine too. 

All: ...
(The intercom bursts with static.)
Mark [over intercom]: I deny all charges.
(Intercom shuts off.)

>We hung around a lot, and at first everything was cool."
>
>"And then it stopped being so cool?"
>
>"Ding.

MMK: She became Demi Moore?
Tango: Fries are up!
Jonatan [doctor]: Ah, I see you have a Gryphon that goes "ding".

>That was the worst thing I had endured up to that
>point. Around then, two people close to me and mine killed
>themselves, 

All: ...
Vidstudent: I'd make a joke here, but it would be too tasteless.
NeoVid: I could do it for you!
Vidstudent: No, thanks.

>and Zoner looked to be real close to following them. 
>I was failing everything I tried and losing my direction in life 
>in a big way. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: No compass.
Tango [Gryphon]: That's right... Hopelessly Lost.

>My head was coming apart, and in the middle of this, I
>started to realize that It Was Happening Again." 

Ranma X: (TM).
Jonatan: This is the one where he loses his foot and replaces it with a hedge
trimmer, right?

>He sighed. "So I ditched for a while, hanging around in my room, 
>avoiding E7 and Tricia and Mark, because they were friends of mine, 
>and I wanted them to be happy. I didn't want to get them down being 
>depressed about it. They figured something was up and invaded my room
>one night, 

MMK [Gryphon]: And since we were within the boundaries of the same 
nation, the U.N. couldn't interfere.

>and we all talked until dawn...and that whole thing got worked out."
>
>"No kidding."

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Okay, I'm lying again.

>"No kidding. 

(Static on the intercom.)
Mark [over intercom]: Hey, I speak fluid English!
Signus [over intercom]: No kidney! I speak fluid English, too!
(Intercom shuts off as the two are heard laughing.)
S.D.: What was *that* all about?

>All was cool, after that. Oh, sure, it hurt for
>a while, but there was no guilt, for once, 

Tango: Guilt probably just took a sabbatical leave.

>and that terrible feeling of lugging around the secret was gone. 
>They weren't uncomfortable around me, and showed a little respect 
>for the walking wounded.

Rebecca: You know, they didn't talk about him while he was there and made sure 
he gets ample space whenever he passes by...

>"And then..." He sighed again, a much deeper sigh this time.
>"Then there was Cheryl."

MMK [Harry Mason]: Have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair?

>"I get the feeling Cheryl was different than the others."

Jonatan [Priss]: What with the purple skin, horn, one eye and wings...

>"Yeah. Different is the word. And better. And a million
>times worse. See, she liked me, too. 

MMK [Gryphon]: Which was *weird*, man.
Jonatan: My word. That girl is different.

>We started hanging around together in mid-March, and by the end of 
>April we were pretty close. Then I went away."
>
>"Went away?"

MMK [Gryphon]: I went away.
S.D. [Priss]: Went away?
MMK [Gryphon]: On a boat.
S.D. [Priss]: A boat?
MMK [Gryphon]: With a goat.
S.D. [Priss]: A goat?
(A pause.)
MMK [Gryphon]: Is there an echo in here?
S.D. [Priss]: In here?
(A pause.)
MMK [Gryphon]: I was thirteen.
S.D. [Priss]: I was thirt--*aargh*!

>"I left WPI 

Tango: Pronounced "whoopie".

>on the last day of April. I was as close to insane as I think I had 
>ever gotten--maybe I actually had cracked by then. 

Tango: Like an eggshell on the mixing bowl of bitterness... to bake 
the cake of despair and suffering.
NeoVid: And put it all on the rocks of wretchedness.
MMK: Could you pass the peanuts of pathos?

>Anyway, we said our good-byes, and kept in touch. I called her
>every Saturday night, and racked up an impressive phone bill that my
>father spat blood about for months, 

MMK [Gryphon]: Don't worry. The life insurance and inheritance still went to me.

>and we wrote a lot. Then I got dimensionally displaced for the 
>first time, in early August. That kind of re-arranged my viewpoint on 
>a number of things, 

Tango [Gryphon]: Like LSD. LSD is now my friend.

>but that Saturday, out of reflex, I 

Tango [Gryphon]: --mooned my neighbors.

>called her, and found out that whoever I had been in that dimension 
>before I came along, I had been in the same situation."

All: Huh?

>"Weird."

Jonatan: No. *Confusing*.

>"No shit. So I called home, to see if I was expected back in
>Maine on Monday to work, and the response was, hell no, you're in
>school, what the hell's wrong with you? 

NeoVid: Want the list?
MMK: We'd give it, but they couldn't fit it in this theater.

>It was so bizarre. Suddenly I was back in Worcester. 
>I had a place to live and I was back in school...

S.D.: Back to unreality...
Jonatan [Gryphon]: And there was a test the day after, and I hadn't studied!
Oh no!

>life was starting to look pretty neat, even if Zoner was
>pissing and moaning about not having died a heroic death to save all
>creation." 

Rebecca: But then, he's always bitching about something or other...

>This drew a small grin from both of them;

MMK: The Mad Grin-Artist struck again!

>they had both heard him do it from time to time, in his darker moods.

Tango [Zoner]: Brood, brood, brood...
MMK [Gryphon]: Hey, Zoner! I--
Tango [Zoner]: Piss, piss, moan, moan...
MMK [Gryphon]: Uh... (edges away)

>"Whoever I had been, I had 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --people out to get me. 

>managed to hang on for the summer session, but the general feeling 
>I got from all my friends who were natives of the dimension was that 
>it wasn't expected to make any difference. That pissed me off 

MMK [Gryphon]: --because being told that you're really stupid in 
*every* dimension is a pretty frustrating experience.

>enough that I passed the things I was in over the summer and got my ass off 
>academic probation. 

Jonatan: Listen up, kids. The moral of this story is "If you want to clear any 
academic problems, get dimensionally displaced."
Vidstudent: Failing that, writing yourself as a superhuman with high 
intellectual skills will suffice to an extent.

>Then regular classes started, first of September, and she came back to
>Worcester. Turned out I lived in the opposite end of the same
>apartment as her. That seemed to make her uncomfortable. 

MMK [Gryphon]: She didn't seem to think my security cameras should be placed in 
her shower for some reason.
Jonatan [Gryphon]: She also managed to barricade the hole I dug to her room, 
much to my surprise.

>I asked what the matter was, but I always got some kind of excuse. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I didn't even know she had a brother who was having his Bar 
Mitzvah... come to think of it, she wasn't Jewish before.
Rebecca [Gryphon]: And did it really take a week for hair to dry?

>Turned out it was because I was supposed to have been gone for good there, too.

Ranma X: But no dimension has been lucky enough to get rid of him yet.

>So there I was, feeling like I was back home, and she was acting like
>she didn't want me to be there. 

Ranma X: Don't worry. We understand her.

>Eventually she just said look, I'm not real comfortable right now, I don't 
>want to get involved with anyone. It's nothing personal, right? 

S.D. [Cheryl]: Now get off of my property.

>So I said yeah, suit yourself, and it pissed me off, but nothing I could 
>do, right? So I 

MMK [Gryphon]: --hired a hitman to take care of her.

>cried some, and that was that."
>
>"Except it wasn't."
>
>"Except it wasn't," he confirmed. 

S.D. [Priss]: It's eerie?
MMK [Gryphon]: Whoah! That echo's getting so bad, it's starting to speak before 
I do. It's eerie.
(A pause.)
S.D. [Priss]: A minute?
MMK [Gryphon]: Hey, wait a minu--
(A pause.)
Ranma X: Did I miss something? When the hell did vaudeville get incarnated?
[gets a pie in the face] ACK!

> "See, there was this guy named Eric."

S.D. [Gryphon]: He was my true love.
MMK [Gryphon]: I was thirteen.
(Ranma X twitches slightly.)

>"I hate it when that shit happens," Priss said, suddenly
>bitter. "You know they didn't deliberately lie to you, 

Vidstudent: Technically.

>but that doesn't make you feel any less betrayed, does it?"

NeoVid [Caesar]: Et tu, Brutus?

>"No," Gryphon replied, "it sure doesn't. And people started
>to get down on me about letting the hurt show--I was getting them
>down, they said, they couldn't enjoy being together completely if I
>was around, 

S.D.: I know how they feel.

>feeling hurt and making them guilty, so why didn't I just
>stop being a baby?" He ground his left fist into his right hand.

Jonatan: Yeah, be a man and keep those feelings bottled up inside where 
they belong. Sheesh.

>"Gods, that pissed me off. 

MMK [Gryphon]: I wanted to act like a baby. Where's my breastmilk?

>I've never been so mad as I was the first time Julia said that to me. 

(A beat.)
Vidstudent: Wait, who?

>I think if ReRob hadn't been there to stop me, I'd've killed her. 

Rebecca: Temper, Gryphon. Temper.

>Julia was the one who set Cheryl up with Eric in the first place. 

Vidstudent: Well, answers my question.

>She knew about me and the way I felt--she just didn't give a shit. 

Ranma X: Has she started a club that I could join?

>Real restorative for one's faith in humanity."

Jonatan: Oh, yes. Can't have people trying to get on with their lives like that, 
not when Ben's feeling insecure. Let's all pander to Ben's needs and urges like 
he's the only important person in the world. (sighs) Ben, you putz.
NeoVid: Whoa! Cool down, man.
MMK: Yeah, we can't enjoy ourselves while you're here showing your hurt and 
making us feel guilty about being together and enjoying ourselves.
Vidstudent: Jon, stop acting like a baby.
(A pause.)
MMK: Brilliance!
(Vidstudent facepalms.)

>"So you were pretty ripped up about that."
>
>"Yeah. Shit, I still am, to an extent. It was my first
>pseudo-real relationship, and it fucked me up when it just arbitrarily
>went to hell. 

Rebecca: They tend to do that, you know.

>So I got cold for a while, 

NeoVid [Snowden]: I'm cold.
MMK [Yossarian]: There, there.

>and I was still pretty trashed from it when Edison showed up and whisked
>me off to do med school, and then my residency, and then train with Master

NeoVid: --Bates.

>Caine for...

S.D.: So he trained with a guy from a TV show...
Vidstudent: And finished medicine...
Jonatan: Where did he do his residency then? The set of ER?
(A pause.)
MMK [Tuvok]: That is a logical explanation.

>Christ, I dunno how long that all took, I think Edison kind of
>`encapsulated' the time in my head. I figure I was gone from
>Worcester for maybe an hour, and my Worcester time is the one my
>memory runs along the line of...I don't know how to explain it,
>really. 

Rebecca: And we'd rather not hear it, thank you very much.

>Anyway, I was still pretty messed when I came here, which is
>probably why nothing happened to me for the first few months. But
>lately...it's been happening again. 

Tango [Gryphon]: I've been growing boobs.

>I can tell. I can feel it.

Tango [Gryphon]: Yep, definitely boobs.

>There's nothing I can do to stop it...so it looks like I'm on a
>collision course to messing up yet another friendship."

Ranma X: I'd rather you be on a collision course with something big, moving, and 
fast, but that's just me.

>"Hmm..." Priss seemed lost in thought for a moment. "All
>this comes down to the big question, you know. You can't avoid it
>forever."

NeoVid [exact TMC Man]: You can't avoid addiction... choose yours carefully!
[laughs hoarsely]

>"Big question?"

Jonatan: Forty-two.
Rebecca: Yeah, but what's the question?
(Jonatan frowns.)
Jonatan: Look, they destroyed my planet before we could find out, *okay*?

>"Yeah. You're gonna have to tell me who it is this time, sooner or later."
>
>"Aww. You don't want to keep guessing?"
>
>"I don't think that would take real long, 

S.D. [Priss]: Seeing as how it's either Leon, Mackie, or Zoner.
MMK: Hey, whatever floats your boat...

>but I'd rather you just said it. I think it'd make you feel better anyway."

NeoVid: Well, duh! Talking always makes Ben feel better.

>Gryphon went into the kitchen and got himself a Pepsi, dumping
>it over ice in his big glass mug, 

Vidstudent: Shaken, not stirred.

>and retrieved a Guinness and the appropriate glass for Priss on his 
>way back. 

Tango: The one that said "You're not naked enough."

>He didn't drink alcohol, himself, but he kept the Guinness around for 

S.D.: --whenever he needed to get someone drunk.

>those of his friends who did, beer being mostly harmless to the 
>upholstery and all. (He couldn't think of anyone but Joe who could 
>possibly puke after a beer,

MMK: Joe?
Tango: *The* Joe?
Jonatan: The one that lives on Prury Lane?
Tango: No, not him.
Jonatan: Oh, right.

>and Joe was several time zones away.) Then, sprawling on the couch
>again, he put a hand over his eyes and rubbed his forehead for a few
>minutes.

NeoVid: Soon, he had shaped his grey matter into a funny dog.

>He took a deep drink of the soda and set the mug down on the
>hardwood floor with a click, then said, "Linna."
>
>Priss finished taking a pull of the beer and replied, "Yeah, I
>thought so."

NeoVid [Priss]: And now I'm jealous!

>"Did you."

Ranma X: Actually, no. 

>"Next logical choice, after me."
>
>"Do tell, O modest one."
>
>"Well, look at it logically. 

Rebecca [Priss]: If not me, then who's the next closest female? 
Bingo.
S.D.: Logically? Is Priss a Vulcan or something?
Jonatan: The big hair is great for hiding those ears.

>Nene's a gweep. You've gotten ripped by a gweep once before, 

MMK: Gryphon was taken from a CD and copied onto a hard disk as an
MP3?

>so you'll naturally be a bit gun-shy about that, although to be 
>honest with you, I've watched the two of you work together 

Jonatan: "Work together", huh?
NeoVid: Priss, you voyeur you...

>on something a few times, and I think maybe there's
>something there that could work, given half a chance. 

Vidstudent: --or Ben booking it.

>But anyway. Sylia is, well, Sylia. We know her, and she's nice 
>enough, but she's not demonstrative. I think I've seen her smile 

Jonatan [Priss]: --and it really creeped me out, and I shot her and shot her
and shot her until the smile went away. Which is why this Sylia is now a Boomer.
Rebecca [Gryphon]: I knew that.

>maybe four times in all the time I've known her. Don't get me 
>wrong, she's a good friend, she'll go to the wall for any of us, 

Rebecca: I didn't think Sylia was into that sort of thing...
NeoVid: Tee hee hee...

>but she's cold. You're not the type to get worked up over 
>ice--although I notice Zoner is." 

MMK [Gryphon]: You should have seen Zoner at the Winter Olympics. Phew!
Jonatan: Zoner likes ice? And here I thought he'd stick to brownies and
gardening.

>Gryphon smiled at that; he, too, had noticed the increasing yen his colleague
>seemed to have for the good Dr. Stingray. 

Ranma X: Indeed, a good investment.
NeoVid: Was that stock-market humour again?
Ranma X: ...Huh. I'm not sure.

>"I don't know of any other women you know around here, so that would 
>leave Linna--

S.D.: Priss, there's still Mackie, Leon, and Zoner, remember?
Jonatan: I admire your will to keep the dream alive.
S.D.: Oh, thanks.
Jonatan: That was sarcasm.

>and you have been pretty nervous around her lately." She sat back against 
>the couch and

NeoVid: --let her strained jaw recover.

>looked up at him. "She is cute, isn't she?"

Jonatan [Priss]: I've got dibs on her already. Sucks to be you!

>"What would you know about that?"
>
>"Hey, I'm straight, but not blind." She drank some more. "I
>mean, you know what a good-looking guy looks like, right?"

Vidstudent: Put down the mirror, Ben.

>"I guess."

Tango [Gryphon]: Al Roker!

>"All right. Now we know what's going on. The question is,
>what are you going to do about it?"

NeoVid [Priss]: Whatcha gonna *do*, brother?

>"What do you mean, what am I going to do about it?" Gryphon
>asked. "I think that's pretty obvious, if you look at my past
>pattern. 

Rebecca [Gryphon]: Eat, sleep, whine a lot, fantasize about fictional 
characters...
Jonatan: Don't forget the grappling hook and stun gun.
Vidstudent: Those things have no place in conventional dating.
Jonatan: [acidly] Uh huh. Maybe in your strange little world.

>I'm going to suffer for a while, and eventually I'm going to
>screw up, and the whole thing's gonna blow up in my face. 

S.D.: Hey, Gryphon! Get out of my head!

>If I'm lucky, I'll jump dimensions again. If not I'll move to Taiwan 
>or something."

Jonatan: Sounds like a great plan.
NeoVid: Ranma's taking notes...
Ranma X: (Kicking something out of the way) Am not!

>"You could try asking her out, you know."
>
>"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard."

Tango [Gryphon]: And I've listened to Zoner talking about his hamster-
wheel-powered spaceship.

>"What's so stupid about it? People go out all the time."
>
>"I don't. 

Rebecca: We realized.
S.D.: This would be *why*, to a large extent.

>I don't know the first thing about it. Besides, look at me."

Vidstudent [Priss]: Ah... rather *not*...

>Taking his advice, she got up, took a few steps back, and did
>just that, nodding occasionally.

Jonatan [Priss]: You're right. Houston... we have a problem.

>"Ok, put in a little effort, and I don't see a problem," she
>said in a minute or so.

Rebecca [Priss]: Makeover time!

>"What?"
>
>"Well, look at it this way. You're already friends. It's not
>as if you have to make a first impression. 

S.D. [Priss]: She already thinks you're crazy. That's a start.

>Ok, so. Here's my plan. You get a good night's--er, day's--sleep,
>get a shower, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: What's a 'shower'?
MMK [Priss]: ...I just realized why you don't date.

>all that kind of stuff. Then we'll do something nice with your 
>hair,

Tango [Priss]: I'm thinking PIGTAILS!

>trim the beard a little, and find some clean clothes in this 
>disaster zone. 

S.D. [Priss]: Ben Hutchins *is* Mitsukake!

>Tomorrow afternoon we're having trials. Practice, physicals, the whole
>schmear. 

(Rebecca is stunned.)
Rebecca: Good god. I was joking. I really was.

>Afterward, you move."

Jonatan [Priss]: To somewhere where nobody knows you, so that you have
a better shot of finding someone for a one-night stand or two.

>"That's ridiculous!"
>
>"What's so ridiculous about it? I think you've got a shot.

MMK: Long as it may be... it's still a shot.
Vidstudent: 'Sides, remember who's calling the shots?
MMK: Good point.

>She's not seeing anyone right now, and she told me a while back she
>was starting to get a little lonely...

Rebecca [Priss]: I was there to... *ahem* comfort her.

>she's gotten sick of the singles scene, though--too many 
>disappointments--so she's been reluctant to go out and get looking." 
She smiled and then, leaning a little closer,

Jonatan: --showing some fanservice...

>said confidentially, "She likes you."
>
>"You're kidding."

Tango [Priss]: Duh. Even you're not dumb enough to think that someone 
can like you.

>"Of course not. Would I kid about that at a time like this?

MMK [Gryphon]: Yes.
NeoVid [Priss]: I wouldn't be if you were writing me in character.

>She thinks you're cool, if a little nuts, but you're always so wrapped
>up in your work she's never gotten around to approaching you."

S.D.: --with a wire and a crossbow.
MMK: Yeah, speaking of which--
S.D.: I plead the fifth.

>Gryphon sat in silence and digested this for a while, then
>took a swig of his Pepsi and 

NeoVid: --burped.

>said, "Nah...couldn't be. I should be so lucky."

Vidstudent: I'll take "Songs of Australian Mariah Carey-wannabes" for $100.

>"People like you, Gryphon," said Priss. 

Rebecca [Priss]: Whether we want to or not.
Tango [Priss]: On pain of death by rabid weasels.

>"Just accept it."

MMK: Somehow, Nike's new tag line didn't sound right...

>He laughed, then stood up and looked serious. "Did you mean
>what you said earlier?"
>
>"About what? Oh. Duh. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I do love you,
>in my own warped way. 

Ranma X: --involving lots of leather and fast bikes.
Jonatan: Kinky, but... has been done.

>But if you tell anyone I ever said it, I'll
>deny it, and then kill you," she warned with a grin.

Rebecca: (raising her hand) He told me! Really!

>He grinned back. "Right. You know something?"
>
>"What?"

Ranma X [Gryphon]: You look really cute when you smile.

>He took a couple of steps and hugged her, even going so far as
>to kiss her gently. "I love you too...and you can quote me on that if
>you want to."

S.D. [Priss]: Not if I want to keep my reputation intact.

> He stepped back, then ran a hand over his hair, a
>nervous gesture which cropped up frequently at times like this. "You
>really think 

S.D.: ...not since meeting Gryphon.

>I've got a shot?"
>
>"Absolutely."
>
>"Well, if you say so..."

Tango: So!
NeoVid: Sew!
S.D.: Soe!
Jonatan: Sow!
MMK: Fifth studio album!

>The next day, Gryphon stood in the lab,

Rebecca: This was back before science had to have any specific *point*.
Jonatan: Science exists not to find the right answers, but to posit the right 
questions.
S.D.: That's kinda...
Jonatan: Or, if you ask my fiancée's other personality, to bring fear and terror 
to the world and those that stand against you.

> watching through the window as Linna confronted the holosimulator. 

MMK [Linna]: Holosimulator... I'm pregnant... with your child!
Rebecca [Linna]: You've been seeing Priss behind my back, haven't you?
Vidstudent [holosimulator]: Did not. Bitch.
Rebecca [Linna]: Skank.

> Glancing down at the panel, he noted its difficulty level: eight, 
out of a possible ten.

S.D. [Bubbles]: But please Professor, I can take level eleven: I'm HARDCORE!

>No one else in the room had managed to beat it on level eight yet.

Jonatan: Hooboy. Wanna bet who manages to do it later in the fic?
Ranma X: We don't take sucker bets.

>His own personal best was six.

Jonatan: The Beast had a human number, after all...

> As he watched, Linna backed up two steps as it advanced, dodged 
seven or eight tentacles,

(All MOTers cringe on principle.)
MMK: Whoah! That reminds me of Neme--
Vidstudent: Don't.
MMK: But--
Vidstudent: Just don't.
NeoVid: I feel so out of the loop here.

>parried three more, and then launched herself in a complex 
>flying kick that 

NeoVid: --should have been reserved for a Feng Shui character.

>wound up scoring a "defeat" on the scorecomp.

Tango: That's nice, but can you beat my "Hopping Mongoose"-style 
Kung Fu?
Ranma X: That doesn't even exist.
MMK: Sez *you.*

>He blinked. There was a hand on his shoulder, suddenly.

Tango: Damn you, Thing!
Vidstudent: This was the silliest part of Jurassic Park, I thought.

>Glancing to the side, he saw it was Priss.

Ranma X: 'Cause that's the best part of Priss.
MMK: I'm with you there.
Jonatan: (suddenly stands up) That's not Priss! It's one of the Kung Fu 
Creatures on a Rampage!
NeoVid: III!

>"Feeling intimidated?" she whispered, leaning close.

S.D: Only because his manhood is so, oh so tiny.
Tango: How do you know this?
S.D: Internet journalists.

>Gryphon could manage only an ironic chuckle in reply.

Rebecca: When all else fails... go for jaded.

>"Don't be."

MMK [Priss]: You can be my Urotsukidoji anytime... (giggles)
Vidstudent: MMK...

>At that, he could only repeat the chuckle.

NeoVid [Priss]: Oh, boy... he's looping again. Better hit him fast...
Tango [Cyclops]: Dreams don't die!
Rebecca: Tango, my metal hand is getting sore.
Tango: Please?
Rebecca: Oh, all right. (She baps him) Grant Morrison ON!
Tango [Cyclops]: Fry Piggie!
Jonatan: I sense a beautiful relationship between these. And that's wrong on
so many levels.

>"She's human, same as you. Just a little faster."
>
>"A lot faster."

Tango: Faster like the goddamn blue pill.
MMK: Faster like Barry Allen.
Tango: Faster like that little whirlygig ride at the fairground.
MMK: The one that guarantees five buckets of vomit or your money back?
Tango: Hell yeah! That rules!
MMK: Like Donkey Kong!
Tango: Yeah! I wanna be a monkey!
MMK: Whoo!

>"Whatever. Just don't let it bother you. C'mon, you're
>Shaolin, you can do anything, remember?"

NeoVid: Only so long as it's in flashback AND slow-motion.
Jonatan: Instantly, Gryphon remembered that he was the One.
Vidstudent [Gryphon]: I know kung fu.

>"Right." Don't let it bother me, she says. Hah. "`I am
>Caine. Come to Chinatown. I will help you.'" He chuckled as he
>remembered his inscrutable, yet so simple, master.

S.D.: And yet his master had the benefit of having a protective mark on his 
forehead.
MMK: Wrong Caine.
S.D.: Then his master had the benefit of being the ancient Elf God of warfare and 
destruction.
MMK: Wrong Caine.
S.D.: So his master was the half-brother of an undead wrestler who was burned in 
the fire that killed their parents and had to live through his life wearing a 
red mask?
MMK: Nope, wrong Caine, but that would have been freaking cool.
S.D.: Rosebud was his sleigh?
MMK: Nope.
S.D.: Well, then, this master had the benefit of being a vampire rescued by the 
bizarre forces of the Planet.
MMK: No, that was Demi Moore. The Caine you're looking for is the frontman of
Our Lady Peace.
Tango: That's Raine Maida.
MMK: Oh. Author of Catch 22?
Tango: Joseph Keller.
MMK: *Damn*! Then I don't know who Gryph's master was.
Tango: Bridget Fonda.
S.D., MMK: Thanks.

>"That's the spirit," said Priss, slapping his shoulder. 

NeoVid: Gryphon then burst into tears like the little sissy girl he is. He would 
never, ever stop.

> Then she walked to the curl bar for the upper-body-strength test.

Jonatan: Cue Gainax factor!

>A second or so later, as he watched Linna go for Round 2
>against the simulator,

Rebecca: I hate multi-stage boss-monster fights.

> he felt another hand on his shoulder.
>Glancing, he saw Nene looking up at him with 

Ranma X: --the back of her head. How she was doing it was anyone's guess.

>narrowed eyes.

MMK [Nene]: Meet my lawyers, Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.

>"Mind telling me just what's going on?" she whispered
>conspiratorially.

Tango [Nene]: Rosebud...

>"I beg 

NeoVid [Nene]: Not good enough! I'm going to kill you anyway!

>your pardon?"
>
>"You and Priss left together last night," Nene said with that
>tone of voice that only someone who has done some detective work and
>is immensely pleased with herself can generate.

Ranma X: Actually, that gossipy bitch down the street from my apartment sounds 
the same way...

> "Her bike was still here this morning. Did you two spend the night 
together? Hmm?"

TANGO [Gryph]: No, we just had sex.
MMK [Nene]: Oh, *that's* okay then.

>"For pity's sake, Nene. Not only is that question irrelevant,

Jonatan [Gryphon]: It is also highly illogical.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: I am SI. Resistance is futile.

>it's none of your business."
>
>"You did, didn't you!"

NeoVid [Nene]: It's written all over your face!
Tango [Priss]: Good thing I wrote "kill him before he does me again" on 
his forehead.
MMK [Gryphon]: Uh... you see, I have this condition where I
forget everything every fifteen minutes...

>"Shh! No, we did not." Technically, he was lying. 

Vidstudent: --sort of like "technically, Clinton told the truth".
S.D.: It's always Clinton with you, isn't it.

> He had gone over and sprawled on his bed after the main topic of their
>conversation was finished; she had sat down on the edge, 

NeoVid [singing]: Living on the edge!

>and they had talked about other things long into the night,

Tango [Gryphon]: PC cooling systems. Rubber ducks. Invisible Elves. Toast. You 
know, stuff.

> until eventually, she tipped over and fell asleep, at which point 
>Gryphon, suddenly without

Ranma X: --a clue.
Rebecca: "Suddenly?"

>a conversation partner to keep him from dozing off, had fallen asleep
>as well.

Rebecca: Wow, Gryphon bores even himself.
Vidstudent: And when he looks in the mirror, he flinches.

> They had had several good laughs about it that morning, but
>were agreed that the situation was just generally all wrong for Dire
>Straits.

S.D: But not wrong for swinging with a sultan.

>Still, he knew what Nene meant, so he wasn't really lying; he
>was answering her question.

Vidstudent: So, he was lying while telling the truth.
MMK: No, he was telling the truth when he lied.
Rebecca: I think he was lying about telling the truth.
Jonatan: So he's lying then?
Tango: But, of course!
MMK: Could he have told the truth when he lied?
(All ponder this.)
S.D.: He was just answering her question.
NeoVid: Eh, works for me.
Jonatan: Right. Perfectly logical explanation.
MMK: We can all finally sleep nights.
(A beat.)
Ranma X: ...I don't get it.
(Others try to hide their chuckling.)
Tango [to Ranma X]: Is the answer to this question 'no'?
Jonatan: Oh, leave him alone.

>"Oh, go on," Nene went on, prodding him.

Ranma X: The burns from the cattle prod would never fade.

>"You were just talking about something pretty personal, I could tell."

Rebecca: They were having a relationship, Nene. People do it.
Tango: She has relationships! She and her overclocked rig at home have been 
going steady for two months now!

>"So are we. Does that mean we're heading off for the
>occasional late-night rendezvous, and if so, why haven't I been
>informed until now? 

Ranma X: You haven't been informed until now because you're a dunce. Sorry.

>I hate it when I miss important events of my own
>personal life, after all. Have I been missing a whole 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --90% of my brain? I thought it was 95%!

>affair?" It amused Gryphon almost to no end that he was denying something 
>he had actually done...

MMK: Because I deny things I've done all the *time*. 
Tango: No, you don't.
MMK: Goddamnit, YES I DO!
Tango: Really? Cool!

>"Oh, you're impossible. You'll tell me, sooner or later.
>Just wait." Nodding in assurance, she went away. Gryphon sighed.

MMK [Gryphon]: Yeah... she digs me.

>Just then Zoner entered the room and sidled up behind him.

Jonatan: What, is the entire cast lining up to check on his dirty deeds? Who's 
next, Largo? Daley? Sho's mother?

>"What were you doing last night?" he asked.

Rebecca [Gryphon]: Priss.
Tango [Zoner]: You were impersonating her?
Rebecca [Gryphon]: No, I was "doing" Priss.
Tango [Zoner]: You were listening to her albums?
Rebecca [Gryphon]: Not listening to her albums, I was "doing" her.
Tango [Zoner]: You were dressing up in her clothes?
Rebecca: Urk... there's an image I didn't need.
Tango: Wiigii!

>"Get fucked, Zoner," Gryphon snapped. Zoner blinked.

Jonatan [Zoner]: He's on to me. Damn.

>"Gryphon, you're next," Sylia declared as Linna beat the
>simulator again. 

Rebecca [Linna]: Ha! Take that, bitch!
S.D. [Linna]: Who's your armor-clad mommy? Who?

>"You're 

Ranma X: --repulsive.

>at level seven today."
>
>"Joy," replied Gryphon in a tone that conveyed anything but.
>"I've never cleared seven."

All: FORESHADOWING!

>"Call it a personal goal then," Sylia replied. "You've been
>practicing, haven't you?"

Jonatan: I wouldn't call tiddly-winks as adequate martial arts training, but 
whatever floats your boat.
MMK: HARDCORE TIDDLYWINKS~!
Jonatan: [blinks] You know, I've been repressing that memory for some time now.

>"Of course," Gryphon replied. "It's just that I haven't had a
>lot of time, working on 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: --my online fanfiction and all...

>the weapons upgrades for you and all."

Jonatan: [snaps his fingers] Damn.

>"Touche, Gryphon. 

Rebecca [Sylia]: ...whatever the hell that means...
MMK [Sylia]: ...or how the hell I said that in Japanese...
NeoVid: Actually, Japanese borrows words from other languages all the time.
MMK: Thanks, Doctor Pedantic!

>Just do your best." Sylia joined Zoner at the console.

Jonatan: IfyouknowwhatImean.

>"Go get 'em, Gryph," Linna said, slapping his 

S.D.: --face, like she should have done a long time ago.

>hand as they passed each other at the door, like two basketball players 
>passing each other during a player swap. 

(The speakers suddenly play the "Slam Dunk" TV anime's opening theme.)
Mark [over intercom]: Hehe... couldn't resist.

>The door clanged shut and Gryphon was alone in the chamber where 
>lurked his personal demon: 

MMK: Alcohol and drug abuse.

> the holographic aggressor.

Tango [Gryphon]: Mummy! The Hologram's being mean to me again!

>Gryphon's dislike of the holo-aggressor was a simple one.

Rebecca: It took his teddy.

> His form was a tactile one, relying a great deal on things like 
>the sounds made by the enemy,

Tango: And cheese.

> the traces of wind made by the enemy's movements,

Jonatan: And cheese.

>even the smell of the enemy

Ranma X: --like cheese--

> --all things the hologram lacked.

NeoVid: Did we mention cheese?
S.D.: Don't think so.

> Without that, and without any form of feedback at all from his attacks,
>Gryphon constantly felt like he was shadow-boxing. 

S.D.: Publicly masturbating, even.

> He enjoyed

S.D.: --public masturbation--

>shadow-boxing, but not when things were coming at his head.

NeoVid: Yeah, even though being able to reach that far deserves bragging 
rights, you've got to watch that angle--
(NeoVid is pummeled by Ranma X.)
Ranma X.: Sorry, took me a minute to realize what he was talking about.

>"You will have four attack opportunities during this run,"
>Sylia's voice advised him over the speakers. "Don't waste them."

Vidstudent [Sylia]: Recycle.
All: Go Planet!

>Gryphon nodded and assumed the ready stance Master Caine had
>taught him. 

Tango: Why it looked so much like a guy standing on one leg holding a pile of 
laundry and yodeling, we'll never know.

> The years--they must have been years, he was certain of
>it--he had spent learning the ways of the Shaolin from Kwei-Chang
>Caine had been almost a whirlwind, a blur, and at both ends, there had
>been Edison, smiling. 

NeoVid: I just got this image of Nelson as Edison.
MMK [Edison]: Ha ha!

>Gryphon didn't know how long he had been with
>Caine--the man never seemed to age, and Edison had played tricks with
>time on his mind,

Ranma X: Damn him and his newfangled electricity!

> but he estimated that it must have been at least a
>decade. And yet he didn't feel ten years older since that first
>encounter with Edison; 

Jonatan: It only seemed longer because of the reruns.
Vidstudent: Ain't that the truth...

> just two or three, the time he had spent in
>Worcester and MegaTokyo. He remembered every minute he had spent with
>Caine, every day and night, 

S.D.: You know...
(Jonatan holds up a hand.)
Jonatan: Yes, we can all detect the homosexual subtext in that sentence.
S.D.: Okay, just making sure.

>and yet if he tried to concentrate 

MMK: --his brain made a sizzling sound.

>on the whole span of them instead of any particular memory, the whole 
>package slipped out of his mental fingers, 

Rebecca: They must be buttered mental fingers.
NeoVid: Hmmm... butterfingers...

>like the contents of an hour in a busy workday. 

Jonatan: Like a quickly unraveling metaphor, even.

>He wondered, sometimes,

>about Edison's role in all this.

Ranma X [Edison]: I'm just the messenger.
MMK: Don't mind *him,* he's just a poor player who struts and frets his hour 
upon the stage.

>Not now, though. Now, he had work to do. "Ready?" He nodded. "Go!"

NeoVid: Shi!
Jonatan: San!
Vidstudent: Ni!
Rebecca: Ichi!
MMK [Raiden]: HEY! *POOBAH*!

>The holo-aggressor materialized, and he concentrated 

MMK: --his brain making that sound, and smoke coming out of his ears.

>on defeating it. All other thoughts vanished from his mind.

MMK [singing]: Yeah... I know where you're from... and that's what makes 
it so much nicer to defeat you!

>"That's a victory," Sylia announced as the holo-aggressor
>dissolved around his knifed hand. "An excellent performance,
>Gryphon."

Tango: Righteous, dude!
(Tango and NeoVid air-guitar.)

>Gryphon turned and bowed to the window, a smile on his face,
>before walking to the door and exiting.

Jonatan: No, story, I didn't find it that... (looks again) oh, EXITING!

>"Reflex speed, 7.74," Sylia proclaimed as he emerged. "You've
>improved."

Tango [Gryphon]: Yes! My mastery of the holographic simulator is but the first 
step towards my ultimate goal... of ruling the universe! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 
(A pause.)
Tango [Gryphon]: Man, did I say that out loud?

>"I try to get more fiber these days."

MMK [Gryphon]: So I added polyester to my diet.

>"7.74?" inquired Zoner. "Not bad, nature boy, not bad."

MMK [raises four fingers]: Whoo! Whoo!
Tango: Whoo! 
(Tango does a spectacular Flair Flop and twitches around on the floor, bleeding 
profusely from the forehead. Tango stands up only to take a massive knife-edge
chop to the chest that knocks him over again.)
MMK: Whoo! 
(MMK begins strutting. Tango goes for an Irish Whip, but MMK reverses and
Tango does a Flair Flip over his seat.)
MMK, Tango: Whoo!
Ranma X: Breaking news! I hate you all.

>"Bite me, wirehead, I'm a nutritious part of this complete
>breakfast," Gryphon replied, rubbing his hair vigorously with a towel.

S.D: Nine out of ten nutritionists recommend him, too!
Rebecca: I'll just have coffee, thank you.

>His brow creased as he regarded the sweaty mess, some of which was
>actually long enough for him to look at.

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Dammit, I look like Mankind.

> "Hmm...Things We Never Thought About In The Middle Of The Night, 
>No. 146," he mused.
>
>"Hm?"

MMK [Gryphon]: I'm trying to remember what the translations of Kyo
Kusanagi's moves are.

>"Oh, nothing. What's next?"

Rebecca: Self-love and grandstanding.
Tango: Yippee!

>"Upper body strength. Grab the bar, plug in, and let's see
>what you can do."

NeoVid: Gryphon then performed his striptease dance with the bar...
(A pause.)
Vidstudent: Ewww...
S.D.: Bad NeoVid! Bad!
NeoVid: Thank you, thank you. I've got a million of em, and I'll be here 
all night.
Jonatan: Unfortunately, so will we.

>"I think there's a problem with our plan, Priss old pal,"

Tango [Gryphon]: I have no idea where we're going to get liquid nitrogen 
at this time of night.

>Gryphon observed as he shrugged into his checkered flannel shirt and
>buttoned it up.

MMK: INTENSE. BUTTONING. ACTION!

>"What?"
>
>"I'm bloody exhausted." 

Ranma X: I'll settle for him being just bloody.

> He started to lace up his left The Pump. "I don't think I could go out 
tonight if I tried."

MMK [Gryphon]: You'll have to hunt alone.
Rebecca [Priss]: Eh, more for me then.

>"I--yawn--

Vidstudent: --since I just read this story.

>know what you mean, but you're just gonna have to
>bite the bullet and do it," Priss replied, 

Ranma X: I'm praying to the gods that she meant that literally.

> pulling on one of her boots. "You sure you don't have any reserves of 
>energy packed away anywhere?"

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Sure! Where's me spinach?
MMK [Gryphon]: Nope. I missed the Sub-Tank in Wire Sponge's stage.

>"Unless you count the caffeine in the Pepsi I'm about to buy,
>no."

Vidstudent: He forgot to load up his Energy Tanks and Hearts.
Rebecca: What is it with him and saying Pepsi all the time?
Tango: Product placement! It's what's for dinner!

>"Well, you'll have to tough it out the hard way then. You
>don't want to let your window slip by, after all."
>
>"Window?"

Vidstudent: The one they're going to throw you out of.
NeoVid: Hey, Gryphon, Microsoft called. They say you don't have a license!

>"Yeah. Nene told me she was sick 

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: --of me.

>and tired of waiting for the girl to get off her butt and get out, so 
>tomorrow night she's going to set Linna up with some guy she knows from 
>work."
>
>"A cop?"
>
>"Kind of. 

Jonatan: Say what?
S.D.: He's only quasi-cop. He's a diet cop. Only one calorie. Not cop enough.
Vidstudent: He just wanders around crime sites holding a cup of coffee and wails 
at other cops about how much work he has to do.

> He works in the computer division." Priss tapped
>the base of her skull meaningfully with a fingertip. Gryphon's face
>went slightly pale.

Tango [Gryphon]: THEY'RE IN MY SKULL! Agragragrahhh... [froths]

>"A jackhead?" he hissed in an outraged whisper.

Tango: You know... in a way... all guys are jackheads. Really.
[All the males ponder this, then nod.]

>"Yep, and what's worse, he's part of their new Internet Crimes
>Investigation Division."
>
>Gryphon flushed red. "An iceman! This is outrageous!

MMK [Gryphon]: How dare he be... as Cool as Ice?
(All groan.) 
NeoVid: But could he be... Cooler Than Chris? 

> What can Nene be thinking?!"

NeoVid: I don't know. Let me call Professor X first...
Jonatan: Eh, just call the Athena Psychic Hotline...

>"Desperation, I'd say."
>
>"Nene's a gweep, for pity's sake. For a gweep to try to set
>one of her friends up with some jackheaded iceman--it's perverse!

NeoVid: If I knew what those terms meant, I might care. Wait... no, I wouldn't.

>Worse than that, it's heretical!" His jaw set with 

Tango: --concrete. That should shut him up.

>determination as he picked up his coat and hauled it on. "This isn't a 
>personal matter anymore. It's a jihad!" He took a step toward the garage.

Rebecca: Get off your soapbox, Ben. Nobody's listening but the pigeons.

>"Gryphon, don't do anything dumb," Priss cautioned, 

Rebecca [Priss]: ...like you usually do.

> grabbing her own jacket and following.
>
>Gryphon laughed. "I'm not, I'm kidding. Kind of. It is
>sick, though. Nene is capable of being more twisted than any of us
>can even imagine." 

Jonatan: It's always the nice, quiet ones.
Tango: Guess they haven't seen her old baby photos yet...
(A pause.) 
Vidstudent: I don't want to know. I don't want to know.
Tango: Smart guy.

>They left the locker room for the garage; Linna
>was heading for her car.

S.D.: She's making a break for it!
Rebecca: Intense leaving the training room action!

>"It's now or never, sport," Priss muttered into his ear.
>
>"Right. This is a matter of pride, now...I have to do it, not
>just for me, but for gweeps everywhere." 

Jonatan: Then, he powerposed...
NeoVid: ...with a blazing Japanese sun behind him...
S.D.: ...even though he's not Japanese.
Jonatan: Because there were conventions to follow, you know.

>Gryphon squared his shoulders 

Vidstudent: --and, interestingly enough, came up with "a suffusion of yellow."

> and walked toward her; behind him, Priss rolled her eyes 

Tango: --then went running after them before they rolled into the gutter.

>and twirled a fingertip next to her temple.

Rebecca: Girl speaks for the rest of us.

>About then, Nene emerged from the locker room 

MMK: --and ambushed Gryphon with a sledgehammer!
NeoVid: That would be so freaking cool!
(MMK and NeoVid high-five.)

>to see Gryphon heading for Linna's car. "What's he--" she began, but 
>Priss grabbed her in a headlock 

NeoVid: Wrenched it in five or six times, then drove her face into the 
concrete with a bulldog! 
MMK: DAYDREAM HEADLOCK~!

>and put a hand over her mouth before she could go
>on. 

Vidstudent: Even if her heart would still go on--
(Bapping ensues.)

> Mackie, in the corner, stopped working on the motoslave and
>looked up.

S.D. [Mackie]: Cool! Live bitchfight!

>Reaching conversation range right around the time Linna was
>getting into her car, Gryphon said, "Hey, Linna? Could I, ah, talk 

Ranma X [Linna]: I'd like to see if you can stop talking.

>to you for a second?"
>
>"Sure," she replied, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I--
Rebecca [Linna]: Whoops! Time's up! See ya!
NeoVid [Gryphon]: -wha?

>rolling down the window and closing the
>door. "What's up?"

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Not much, just staying home, watching the game, drinking some 
Bud...
Vidstudent: I call a halt on all "WASSUP?" jokes. (cocks Furstenberg) Any 
objections?
(Others shake their heads.)
MMK: Spoilsport.

>"Well--" Come on, come on...you're Shaolin, you can do
>anything, remember? 

MMK: So he's gonna ask her out in a slow-motion flashback?
Ranma X: No, don't think so.
MMK: Then what's the point?

>"--I was wondering if you'd like to go out someplace tonight."

Rebecca [Linna]: No. I hate you.
Tango [Gryphon]: I'm shiny, and gave you life.
Rebecca [Linna]: Hmm... okay!

>Linna's face brightened. Gryphon's heart twitched; that smile
>could light up a stadium, he thought to himself.

MMK: And more of Dexter's erotic thoughts, next on Cartoon Network!

>"I'd love to," Linna replied. It stopped twitching and
>leaped, heading for Kyoto without him. "Where?"

NeoVid [Gryphon]: The nearest McDonald's.
Rebecca [Linna]: Yeesh, talk about big-spenders...
Ranma X: Um... are there any McDonald's in MegaTokyo?
(All give Ranma X a "You're weird" look.) 
Ranma X: Never mind...

>"Er--" It then occurred to Gryphon that he had no idea. He
>had carefully considered every aspect of asking Linna out--except what
>to do if she actually accepted.

Tango: Thus Ben's genes are prevented from ever entering the gene pool. 
Evolution triumphs again!

> Thus, he had no plan at all about what to do now. His brain had 
>approximately 0.052 seconds to think of something decent,

Jonatan: And in that time, she had driven off. Damn shame, really. [pause]
Wait, no it isn't.

> and for once, it performed under pressure.

NeoVid: It's putting on a show in Las Vegas next week.

>"--well, I'm pretty hungry...how about we go for food, for
>starters? Say, Ping's?"

Jonatan: Unfortunately, she's busy holding off Ed until Great Teacher 
Largo can show up.

>"Sure!" Linna replied brightly. 

Tango: --blinding Gryphon.

>"Just let me go home and 

Ranma X [Linna]: --hire a hitman to take you out before I have to be seen with 
you.

>get cleaned up, ok? You can pick me up in about...oh...half an hour.

NeoVid: Translation: Give me two more hours to get ready.
Rebecca: You guys just don't understand the trials we girls face in the 
wardrobe...
Jonatan: I've seen you. All you wear is black.
Rebecca: Yes, but which color black?

>Would that be ok?"
>
>"Ok," Gryphon replied. Ok?! It's fucking wonderful! 

Tango: But, then again. Wonderful was a slut.

> Way to go, Gryphon!

Ranma X: Jeez, even the narrator's getting in on the act.
Jonatan: And considering that they're one and the same, I'm not surprised.
MMK [narrator]: Fortune smiles upon thee, Gryphon!

> "See you then!"
>
>"See you!" said Linna, and drove away. 

Vidstudent: Far, far away... hopefully.

> Gryphon waited until she was out of sight, then turned around and 
>punched at the air.

NeoVid [air]: Ow! I'm gonna sue!

>Mackie grinned and gave him a thumbs-up. He ran over 

Ranma X.: -The neighbors' cat, an old lady, and a kindergarten class.

>to Priss, who stood by his car.

Tango [Mackie]: Ben's gonna get it with a girl! He'll have to tell me how he 
does it!

>"He shoots," Priss declared, releasing Nene, "he scores!"
>
>They shared a high five. 

MMK: So each had a medium high two-point-five.
(Others groan.)

> "And I won't even say I told you so."
>
>"What's the occasion?" Zoner asked as he emerged from the
>locker room, 

Jonatan: Arbor Day.
Rebecca: They celebrate it in really weird ways in Megatokyo.

>having just caught the high five.
>
>"Gryphon here just got himself a date."
>
>"Gryphon? A date? Impossible! Nature boy hasn't had a date
>since 1992."

MMK: Bull! He can keep it up... ALL NIGHT LONG, BROTHER!

>"Zoner, I'd kick you, but you'd beat me up, and I'm too tired
>to defend myself...and then I just wouldn't be presentable."

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Not the face! Not the face! (falls down crying)

>"Oh, it's not fair," Nene protested. 

S.D. [Nene]: When do I get a love angle in this story?
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Actually, I'm arranging a threesome with you, me, and Linna...
S.D. [Nene]: ...I'm sorry I asked.

> "What am I going to tell Lars, now?"

MMK: Your dog ate your homework?
Jonatan: The Redshirts are coming?
Rebecca: Soylent green is people?
Vidstudent: Life sucks? 
NeoVid: Zombies ate your neighbors?
Tango: Time is not real and we're all just ping-pong balls on the tabletop of 
existence?
(A pause.)
S.D. [Nene]: That last one could work.

>Gryphon, MegaZone, Priss, Mackie, and even Sylia, who had just
>come out 

S.D.: Well, that settles that debate.

>of the locker room herself, fixed Nene with a quizzical look
>and said in unison, "Lars?"

Rebecca: Lars Lazer?
Tango: Obscure and edible!

>Gryphon grinned and got a Pepsi from the machine in the corner
>of the garage.

Rebecca: That tears it. He's got to be getting an endorsement for that thing.
Tango: Its like the American version of Godzilla 1985, with all those scenes in 
the Pentagon where there's a Dr Pepper machine in every shot? I mean, what was 
with that thing? Was it following them around? Was it looming over their 
shoulders? Was it trying to steal secret military information top aid in its 
plans for world domination? We need to know!
Rebecca: There, there Tango. Relax.
Tango: No you fool! The Dr Pepper Machines are coming! They're coming for our 
women! Nobody is safe! They're coming... TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
(Rebecca hits him.)
Tango [Cyclops]: Fry piggie!

>"I guess Lars is just going to have to crawl around
>the 'net until he finds someone else," he said, 

Jonatan: Gryphon's Dating Tips #324.

> draining the can in one pull, flattening it, 

MMK: --using his forehead.
Vidstudent: --and failing.
S.D.: Ow.

>and throwing it into the recycling bin.

NeoVid: Gryphon recycles something besides plotlines?

>"I'm ashamed of you, Nene, trying to set your own friend up with an 
iceman.

MMK [Bobby Drake]: Hey! I resent that!

>And a wirehead to boot! You should be ashamed."
>
>"Desperate times," Nene replied defensively, "call for
>desperate measures."

(Tango holds up a stupidly huge gun.)

>"That they do," Gryphon agreed, opening up his car door.
>"Merry Christmas! Thank you, Jesus!" 

Tango [Jesus]: Don't you dare drag me into this! I hung around for that Street
Fighter fic of yours and you treated me like crap!

>he cried in his Robin-Williams-As-Jerry-Falwell Voice. 

NeoVid: I dunno. It sounded more like Kermit the Frog.

>"See you guys tomorrow.
>Please, oh please, let the Buma be quiet tonight." He slammed his
>door, started up the engine, and roared away into the night.

Vidstudent: And the mayor remarked, "Who was that crazy man?"
NeoVid: And the people rising from their graves said, "Will you be quiet? 
You'll wake the dead with that noise!"

>"Well, it's all very fine for him," Nene said petulantly, "but
>how am I going to explain this to Lars?"

Rebecca: Tell him that she decided to go out with a 300-pound tub of lard with 
all the social graces of a randy warthog instead. I'm sure he'll understand. 
Granted, we don't.

>"Why don't you go out with him?" Zoner suggested.
>
>"Eew!" Nene replied, making a face. "You heard Gryphon--he's
>a jackhead NetCop. Ick ick ick!" She practically shuddered with
>revulsion.

Tango [Nene]: He's got cooties!

>"And you were trying to set him up with Linna," Priss
>observed. "What a pal."
>
>"Well, that's different!" Nene protested. "Linna doesn't care
>about that kind of thing! 

NeoVid [Nene]: Hey, she went out with Mike Tyson!

>Besides, I figured she'd dump him in a week
>or two anyway."

MMK: We now return you to "Sex in the City of Megatokyo"...

>"Well, that's not a very nice thing to say," observed Mackie.

Tango: I can imagine Mackie as Wilson on Home Improvement, sometimes.
Rebecca [Mackie]: Finally, I get lines! Whee!

>"I only hope this goes well for Gryphon," remarked Zoner.
>"That's all he needs is to get burned again."

MMK: So tell him to stand behind the man with the Flamethrower.

>"Yeah, tell me about it," Priss replied, causing Zoner to look
>at her curiously.

Ranma X: Instead of blankly, the way he usually looks at things.

>"Anyway, I'd better get over there and help him out--he can't be 
>trusted to pick out his own clothes for an occasion like this."

S.D. [Priss]: Time to play dress-up. Tee hee!
Vidstudent: That was mildly disturbing, you know.

>Zoner turned to Sylia, "About time they got around to it."

Jonatan [Zoner]: Now, we can go on to my romantic angles...
NeoVid: Figured Gryphon would call first dibs.

>"Yes... I've wondered when something like this would happen."
>
>"Care for an espresso?"
>
>"Yes, thank you."

NeoVid [Zoner]: That'll be $2.99 please.

>Zoner led her back to his office. When it came to caffeine he
>was a 

Tango: --purple thing with two heads. No one had ever been able to figure
that out.

>gourmet. He set the machine to work and dug up a couple of good
>sized mugs, none of those tiny little cups.

MMK: 'Cause those tiny little cups were for sissies.
Tango: And they have cooties...

>"This is good stuff, I got it from Seattle. My old roommate
>introduced me to it."
>
>"From Worcester?"

Jonatan: No, from slave labor.

>"Yes, we had an apartment of caffeine addicts. Mountain Dew
>bottles everywhere. Two liters of course. We liked big doses."

MMK: Wussy. It only works if you have the stuff on tap.

>"Do you still miss Worcester?"
>
>"Yeah... 

Ranma X [Zoner]: I need a better laser-targeting system.

> I guess I do. I mean, it's like... sigh... I wasn't
>me before I got to Worcester. I used to be someone else.

Rebecca [Zoner]: Someone good...
Jonatan [Zoner]: I think I was called Frank. Or maybe Mary, I'm not sure.
All [singing]: JESSIE, PAINT A PICTURE, OF HOW IT'S GONNA BE!

>Someone I guess I didn't like much. I learned how to be myself in Worcester.

Vidstudent: And the rest of the world declared war on Worcester for that.

>I found people who liked me for who I was, people I could be comfortable
>with. 

MMK [Zoner]: People who would lend me their Dreamcasts without charging...

>For the first time in my life I really felt good about what I
>was doing, 

Jonatan [Zoner]: And god damn it, if I said I wanted to be a crossdresser, I 
would be a crossdresser!

>I felt like I belonged. Of course I also turned out to be
>one morose and cynical sonofabitch, 

S.D. [Zoner]: Fortunately, I was a LOVABLE morose and cynical sonofabitch...

>I always seemed to notice the pain in the world around me.

Ranma X [Zoner]: And someday, there'll be a cure for pain. And that's the day, 
that I'll throw my drugs away.
(Rebecca pauses, then punches him on general principle.)

>I paid a lot of attention to 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --myself, just like everyone else should.

>humanity, but at the same time I started a love affair with technology. 

Jonatan: --which, incidentally, gives us a disturbing meaning to the word 
"technophile".

>I always liked it, machines didn't fuck you over like people tend to,

Tango: His laptop said it'd respect him in the morning.

> but WPI 

Tango: --pronounced "whoopie"--

>was where I first found the nets. I dove in head first and absorbed what
>I could, 

NeoVid: Digital osmosis.
Jonatan: Behold, the plot to FLCL.
S.D.: FLCL has a plot?
Jonatan: I think so. It might just be a decoy, like the Black Rose arc.
Tango: Or a toaster oven.
Jonatan: Yes... [rubs his chin thoughtfully] ...mustn't forget the toaster oven.

>made most of my friends that way." The espresso machine
>beeped, and Zoner began filling the mugs. "Sorry, I'm rambling again.
>I probably told you all of that before." He handed Sylia her mug.

MMK [Zoner]: Here's youse mug, youse lousy mug.
(Ranma X baps MMK. Rebecca baps Ranma X, on general principal.
Tango baps Rebecca, who promptly baps him back three times as hard.)
Tango: Ow!
Rebecca: Not allowed.
Tango: But all the cool kids were doing it!

>"So what have you been up to of late?"
>
>"Not too much, 

Rebecca [Sylia]: I'm thinking of getting my hair changed to look like Ifurita 
from El Hazard. 
S.D. [Zoner]: Oh, I would.

>Ben and I have been working on some hardsuit improvements. 

S.D.: Like a CD player and headlights.
MMK: Yup. Can't forget the CD player.
(A pause.)
Tango: I don't suppose I can make a comment about the headlights?
Vidstudent: No.
Tango: Well, then.
(A pause.)
Tango: LOOKIE THEM NEW HARDSUIT HEADLIGHTS!
(Vidstudent screams and chases Tango with the Furstenberg.)
Tango: Again!

>I keep busy with business and research. I guess I
>don't really do much else."
>
>"Can I ask you a question?"

NeoVid [Mr. Bunwah]: I don't know, bitbrain, can you ask a question?

>"I guess so."

Tango [Zoner]: Who did put the Bop in the Bop-she-Bop-She-Bop?

>"What do you think of me?'

Rebecca [Sylia]: Think about this one. Think if you really want it answered. 
Then, if the answer is yes, ask me again.

>"What?!"
>
>"Really... I mean I guess most people find me pretty 

MMK: You lie!

>distant, I've been called intimidating by some. 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: The prosecution, usually.

>I have a lot of trouble trusting people and I act standoffish because 
>of it. Now that I have the amount of metal that I do, I think some 
>people feel uncomfortable around me. 

Jonatan: But, then again, it could be your breath.
Rebecca: Or your height...
S.D.: Or your long monologues...
NeoVid: Or that rocket in your pocket...
Tango: Or the Pink Floyd habit...
Jonatan: Lots of things, actually.

>I've noticed Priss is a bit skittish, she hides it well,
>but I still noticed. I've been watching you too, 

Ranma X [Zoner]: Every breath you take, every move you make, every 
single day... I am watching you.
Jonatan [Sylia]: But that's a song about stalkers!
Ranma X [Zoner]: I know.

>and I just want to know how you feel. I guess I care what you think."

Jonatan [Zoner]: Do I look fat?
Rebecca [Sylia]: Yes.
Jonatan [Zoner]: Who cares what you think!

>"Well... I like you. I mean, you're really a nice guy, once
>you look past the physical size. 

S.D.: And believe you me, it's easy to look over.

> I could never find you intimidating now, 

Rebecca: --in fact, that's actually pretty funny--

>unless you were very angry I suppose. You really care about people, and,
>despite all of your combat gear and ability, you're one of the most 
>peaceable people I've met. 

Ranma X: Who the hell uses "peaceable" in conversation? Is MegaTokyo
actually a small Renaissance town?

>I'd never expect someone as big as you are to 

Vidstudent: --have such an unbelieveable ego.

>be so gentle and delicate. You're good to your friends, although maybe 
>a bit over protective, and you'll do anything you can to help them.
>Now, what about me?"

Tango [Zoner]: j00 is r00l hotz0r!

>Zoner thought for a minute, sipping his espresso, then began
>thoughtfully.

MMK [Trip Fontaine]: You're a stone fox.

> "Let's see... You seem distant, 

Jonatan: Happens around you a lot, Zoner?

>some would say cold, but that is because you have such a commitment to 

NeoVid [Zoner]: --the Shady Dealings Asylum for the Quite Frightfully Insane.

>vengeance and you feel responsible for everyone involved. You feel 
>comfortable with who you are, but 

Ranma X [Zoner]: Still haven't revealed yourself to your family and 
friends.

>sometimes you're a little self conscious about your drive and goals. 

Tango [Sylia]: It's not... weird to want to be a lumberjack,
is it?

>You already feel a little on the outside 

S.D.: A little what?

>and it is one more difference to add to the list. 

Vidstudent: Because it's nowhere near extensive enough yet.
S.D.: He needs a few more Flaws so he can buy that railgun Merit.

>You carry a great deal of hate 

MMK [Catball]: I am filled with hate.

>which drives your vengeance, and that is what keeps you going. 

NeoVid: And going, and going, and going...
(Rebecca smacks him.)
NeoVid: Thanks. I needed that.

>You're attractive and friendly, but your drive tends to keep people 
>distant, so you've grown used to being alone. The type of person I could
>really like."

MMK [Zoner]: She's a Pisces, and enjoys long walks on the beach.
Rebecca: He's just reading off a BGC FAQ. Any minute, he's going to get to the 
"Sylia is a boomer" bit and all hell will break loose.
Tango [muttered]: Adam Warren was too right.

>That last comment caught her off guard. "Um... I'm not sure
>what to say."

MMK [Zoner]: Don't say anything, ma chere.
(Tango makes violin motions with his hands.)
MMK [Zoner]: Let us prepare to make with ze sweet, sweet love...
(*SMACK*)
MMK [Zoner]: ...or we could just hold hands, you know?

>"No problem, I tend to be blunt when someone asks me a
>question like that. But it's the truth, and I guess I feel a type of
>solidarity with you. We do have a bit in common."

NeoVid [Zoner]: You dig me, I dig me.
S.D. [Sylia]: That's a matter for debate.

>"A bit... So, where does this leave us?"

Tango: Sitting in your office sipping espresso?

>"Sitting in my office sipping espresso.

Tango: I'm the god! I'm the god!

> What the future holds we can only wait and see."

Rebecca [Chriswell]: The future concerns us, because that is where you-- 
and I-- are headed.

>"I'm not sure if I could... well..."
>
>"I understand, let's just say 'friends' for now and leave our
>options open."
>
>"Ok."

MMK: If they start making a million an episode, I'm leaving.

>"Another cup?"
>
>"Yes," Sylia smiled, "Yes, I'd like that."

NeoVid [Zoner]: Double D?
MMK [Sylia]: Yes, I'd like that.
(A pause.)
NeoVid: Think they noticed?
MMK: It should take him right about...
(Vidstudent and Ranma X scream and chase the two around the theater.)
Ranma X: Die!
NeoVid: Eh heh heh... you were right. Subtle is fun.

>When Priss arrived at Ben's apartment, the shower was running;

Jonatan: It was setting a new record for the hundred yard dash.
Ranma X: Please let this scene be a scene from Psycho... with Priss holding a 
knife...

>she hung around the studio, straightening up this or that and
>marveling at the fact that there wasn't much to straighten up, 

Rebecca: She didn't notice Kasumi Tendo quietly leaving behind her.
NeoVid: You know something, $10 an hour for a maid is a pretty sweet
deal.

>while waiting. The place was inordinately clean. You could actually see
>the floor in several spots. It was a miracle.

Jonatan: Well, now. Let's let the Vatican decide that, shall we?

>"What do you think?" Gryphon asked as he emerged.

NeoVid [Priss]: ...What's this "thinking" you speak of?

> Priss blinked with surprise; 

S.D. [Priss]: Where are your pants?
NeoVid [Gryphon]: D'oh!
S.D. [Priss]: And it's not even cold in here...
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Shut up!

>maybe he could be trusted to pick out his own
>clothes from time to time. He had on a set of black army pants, 

Jonatan: The Black Army endorse their own clothing now?

>a white dress shirt, a thin 

Ranma X: --excuse for putting innocent readers through this.

>black tie and black suitcoat, and was in the
>process of closing the black semi-dress sneakers he reserved for
>special occasions.

Vidstudent [narrator]: Why they were all packed inside the duffel 
bag he brought to the future was something we hope you'd just stop 
thinking of right now.

>"Sharp," Priss said, giving him a thumbs up.

Jonatan: "Sony," Gryphon replied, giving her a thumbs down.

>"You weren't expecting this, were you?" 

MMK: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

>Gryphon asked with a grin. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail; 

Rebecca: He looked like a damn hippie.
Jonatan: No, he looks like a yuppie trying to be hip.

>what wasn't long enough for the elastic to grab had been slicked back with gel.

Tango: Hmmm... a very fat Scott Hall comes to mind...

> He had on his "dressy" watch,

Rebecca: The one with lace.

> the Swiss Army watch with the red stripe. "You thought I'd have to be 
>helped with something as simple as my wardrobe."

Vidstudent: I thought he'd have to be helped with tying his shoes.
Ranma X: Fortunately he had some rubber bands.
Tango: He had rubber bands? That's a night of fun right there!

>"I'll admit to having my doubts."

S.D. [Priss]: Do you have clean underwear on?
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Yes, ma!

>"Oh ye of little faith. Look at this." He tossed his
>battered duffel bag on the bed, 

MMK: Whoo hoo! Ben's going to get it on!
Rebecca: Hot pseudo-SI-luggage luv luv!
(Everyone, except Ranma X, hoots. Ranma X growls.)
Jonatan: Jealous?
Ranma X: Wel--shut up!
(Everyone snickers as Ranma X pouts.)

>zipped it open, and started transferring armor components out of it 
>and into one of those technoid aluminum briefcases. "I'm even using a 
>slick new armor tote for the occasion. 

Jonatan: Get your Slick New Armor Tote for the Occasion. Only $599.99!
NeoVid: Call now and receive the Iron Man armor free of charge!
Jonatan: Operators are standing by!
S.D.: ...the hell kind of date is he going on?

>How's that grab you?"

Tango: With my hands!

>"I'm absolutely speechless. It looks like you even polished

NeoVid: Ewww...

>your armor."

NeoVid: Oh.
Vidstudent: I could have hurt you for that, you know?
NeoVid: Hmmm... I'll keep that in mind.

>"Better believe it. 

Tango [Gryphon]: Check my mouth... see? No more spit!
Rebecca [Priss]: ...okaaay.

>I'm not counting on tonight being quiet,

MMK [Gryphon]: Linna's a moaner, right?
(Vidstudent and Ranma X scream and move to attack, but MMK is already gone 
from his seat... leaving a note saying "Out to lunch.")
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Wanna watch?
(Vidstudent and Ranma X get him just as he's putting the sign down.)
NeoVid: AIEE! It hurts!
Jonatan: [filming with a camcorder] When Idiots Attack! II!

>if for no other reason than I'd really like it to be. Things have a
>way of going contrary to my wishes on purpose, I think." 

Vidstudent: Yes, Gryphon, it's probably safe to say that the universe doesn't 
like you.
Rebecca: Or maybe just Murphy.

>He closed the case, pulled on his trench coat, and put on his black 
>fedora, then picked up the case. "How do I look?"

Rebecca: Like a short, fat, pasty pimp.
Tango: With a grenade launcher.
Rebecca: Obscure.
MMK [returning with some snacks]: Ooh. Didn't move fast enough with
the sign?
NeoVid [whimpering]: My world is pain.

>"Go get 'em, killer."

MMK: Weirdly enough, he did look like Larcen Tyler.

>Dinner went exceptionally well. Normally, under circumstances
>like this, Gryphon experienced a number of uncomfortable symptoms: 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Yech... it's like I've been around me all night...

>for example, his neck and shoulder muscles would lock up almost to the
>point of spasm, 

Jonatan: That's what you get for forgetting your tetanus shots.

>and he would generally develop a thundering stress
>headache, which, combined with the discomfort of his neck and
>shoulders being so stiff, 

Tango [holding his hands apart]: Was a headache this big!

would make him somewhat irritable, 

S.D.: Not to mention irritating...

>erasing what remained of his sense of humor 

Tango: ...he has a sense of humor?

>that his nervousness and tension hadn't already freed him of. 
>He generally wound up coming off as either a jerk or an idiot, or both.

Jonatan [narrator]: Of course, that only happens in real life...

>Tonight, none of those symptoms were present. He felt relaxed
>with Linna, perhaps even confident. 

Tango: He's confident.
Rebecca: A little too confident.
NeoVid: But then again, he's Gryphon.
MMK: A little too Gryphon. (He ^_^s.)

>At dinner, he abandoned self-consciousness utterly, 

Jonatan: ...leaving self-consciousness with their three kids, the 
mortgage, and his gambling debts...
S.D.: The bastard.

>a technique he had attempted before with various levels of success. 

MMK [narrator]: But this time it completely failed. I mean, wow.
You've never seen a man bomb this huge.

>Most often, if he attempted to erase his
>tension by abandoning all self-consciousness, 

Rebecca: --leaving his mind blank--
MMK: Not that it noticed much.
Rebecca: --like a vegetable.
Jonatan [Caesar Salad]: Ya want serenity? Try being a vegetable.

>he ended up accidentally removing all his self-control as well, 

NeoVid: Cool! He's going into Berserker mode.

>becoming nothing but a sense of humor, which changed his impression 
>from that of a stuck-up jerk to that of a complete buffoon.

Ranma X: Not that anyone would notice the difference, though.

>Tonight, he walked the wire perfectly. 

Tango: --without a safety net!
All: Oooh!
NeoVid: Then he stepped on the tranformer and fried himself.
(All applaud.)

>One could perhaps call him a clown, but, as Jesse Szymczyk once said, 

MMK [Jesse Szymczyk]: Clowns scare the shit out of me.

>a clown is someone who makes other people laugh and feel good.

Tango: Even if he does use nerve gas.
Rebecca: "A smell of petroleum pervades throughout."
Jonatan: 95% of all people were sexually abused by clowns in their youth. 
Including you. Not remembering your childhood? Perhaps it's for the best.

> He was having a marvelous time, and, unless she was devoting a 
>particularly high amount of energy to a pointless act,

Rebecca: What, like writing this fic?

> so was Linna. After dinner they went to a small club near Sylia's 
>building (coffeehouse, really), a charming little place called "Random's" 

NeoVid: So that's where he went after X-Factor...

>where Gryphon often went, because they had live music and good hot 
>drinks. That particular Saturday the musicians were friends of his, 
>regulars of the place just as he was, a small blues band 

Tango: They were Smurfs.

>whose drummer was the place's owner himself, a
>sandy-haired young man named, improbably enough, Random

Rebecca: --Frequent Flyer Bonus Miles Dent.
Jonatan: And here I thought it'd be Sandy, the sandy-haired bartender at 
Sandy's.

> Corey.

Tango: Pretty mean parents. 
NeoVid: Naming their kid 'Random'?
Tango: Naming their kid 'Corey'. Geez!

>They sat at a small corner table for a while; Gryphon had tea
>(Earl Grey. Hot.),

(Tango makes a beeping noise.)

> and Linna had the house cappuccino, a drink Gryphon had always regarded 
>as evil, but a possibly expedient rocket fuel. 

Tango: Quit stealing my ideas!

>After Random and his band performed a set, Gryphon got up and
>went over to them, borrowed the guitarist's axe (is it permissible to
>refer to an acoustic guitar as an axe?),

Vidstudent: You tell us, you're the author.
Jonatan: ...no. No, you fool. An axe is electric. It's wicked. It makes an evil 
sound. Acoustic guitars are only legible for snowed-in hippies, country 
singers, Casanova would-bes, and fools who think "Kumbaya" will bring the world 
together. It's. Not. An. Axe.
MMK: *Furthermore*, "axe" is by and large a term reserved for electric guitars
used in the creation and performance of metal and 1980's rock; to refer to a
guitar -- let alone an acoustic guitar -- as an "axe", in a blues setting, is
such a fundamentally gauche error of judgement that, were this a perfect world,
you would be brutally murdered on sight by anybody who knows anything at all
about the blues or even anything about music in general. 
Ranma X: Yes, but--
Rebecca: As well, acoustic guitars themselves do not deserve the insult of being
labelled "axes"; acoustic guitars spurred the folk-music-driven North American 
social revolutions of the 1960s and allowed for the representation in music of
millions of downtrodden people through the musical genres of blues and reggae, 
whereas electric guitars -- when considered under the term "axes" -- can't
lay claim to anything more dignified and interesting than the backstory of
Fozzy.
NeoVid: Which, admittedly, is pretty cool.
Rebecca: Yeah.
MMK: It is worth noting that electric guitars that *aren't* referred to
as "axes", by which I mean electric guitars used in genres other than metal 
and its offshoots, have also provided musical -- and in cases such as the
original punk movement in England, cultural -- breakthroughs that give the
electric guitar a dignity that is completely ignored by the term "axe". To call
an electric guitar an "axe" is much the same as calling a woman a "broad"; it 
expresses a very narrow, and very unenlightened, viewpoint.
Rebecca: Quite so.
Tango: As well, the sophistic concepts of democracy -- which, as you all
know, were based heavily upon the usage of language in common society --
were harshly treated and thus historically buried by the works of Plato,
a man so egalitarian that his ideal rulers had a religious significance 
attached to them. As a result, what we today consider to be "democracy"
is heavily curtailed by the many egalitarian traditions that have been
established by the Western world's centuries of Plato-worship.
(There is a long pause.)
MMK: Well stated, old bean.
Rebecca: Now hang on a second--
Jonatan: Tango? Miles off the scale, and keep out of my limelight.
Tango: Public debate is a must in a truly democratic society! The 
sophists demand it!
(A pause.)
Ranma X: I am so lost. I mean really, really lost.
(Another pause.)
NeoVid: Hey, there's a movie on.
(NeoVid takes an extended series of bapping.)
NeoVid: Someone had to say it! Ow!

> and started playing. 

NeoVid: Whoop! I think he forgot to place an adverb there.
S.D.: What adverb?
NeoVid: "Badly".

>The guitarist went and took a break, 

Jonatan: Not wanting to see Gryphon torment the music he so loved.

>but the rest of the band decided to stay,

Ranma X [Random]: Man, watch this. He pretends he's a musician,
it's hilarious.

>and Gryphon sat down on a stool and performed some blues tunes,
>from old classic tunes 

MMK: --from old Bugs Bunny cartoons--

>with no documented origins to Clapton to B.B. King 

Vidstudent: --who was not related to B.B. Hood, for your information.
Jonatan: Oh, if only Red Ryder could show up and shoot him.

>and so on (including a rather morose song about suicide that
>Linna found herself liking in spite of herself). 

Jonatan: Arianne's "Komm susser Tod," I hope.

>After an hour or so,
>he left the stage to friendly applause from the people in the club,
>most of whom knew him.

Ranma X: Oh, sympathy applause then.
Vidstudent: No, they were applauding his leaving.

>"I didn't know you could play guitar," Linna said as they left
>the club.

Rebecca: Neither did anyone who was listening.

>"Oh yeah," Gryphon replied, 

MMK: --bursting through a wall.
(All laugh at the image.)

>opening her door and like that,

S.D.: And like what?
Jonatan: Like that. You know. With the stuff.
[Pause. Then S.D. hits him.]

>then going round and getting into the car himself. "Back when I was
>studying with Caine, we used to go down 

(MMK and NeoVid start to speak. They look at each other and shake their
heads.)
MMK, NeoVid: Naaaah!
S.D.: --I could fill that up for you, but I feel disgusted myself.

>to a little club like Random's, just on the outside of Chinatown, 
>and play on Thursdays to raise money for the orphanage in Chinatown. 

Vidstudent: Those poor, poor orphans.
S.D.: Huh? Weren't they raising money for them by playing at--
(A pause. Vidstudent looks at S.D. with a raised eyebrow.) 
S.D.: Oh. Those poor, poor orphans.

>I'd play this old acoustic guitar I had, 

MMK [Gryphon]: -- my axe --

>and Master Caine would play his flute,

MMK [Gryphon]: -- his axe --

>and his son Peter, who was a local cop, would play drums. 

MMK [Gryphon]: With axes.
Jonatan: Together, they are Jethro Tull!

>We had a hell of a time. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Running away unscathed was only half the fun!

>I haven't had a guitar of my own since I left Worcester...I
>play a couple times a month back there, to keep myself in practice.
>Maybe I should pick one up sometime."

Jonatan: Look, Ben, we really don't need to know who, or what, 
you'd like to bring out of the red light district with you...

>"Somehow I can just picture you, wandering around the world
>with a guitar case in your hand, like some kind of minstrel."

NeoVid: Whoah! Six String Samurai flashbacks.
Jonatan: Worse, I pictured Gryphon as Nekki Basara. (shudders)
Tango [Gryphon]: BURNING LOVE HE- (*WHACK*) Fry Piggie!

>Gryphon laughed. "I knew a guy like that back in Worcester.
>Jim Tyrrell was his name. Scary-looking guy when you first met
>him--black hair in a Mohawk, several days of beard, black leather
>jacket and mosh boots. 

MMK: D!
NeoVid: Ent!

>Then you really looked at him and realized he
>wasn't all that scary. He wasn't a big guy, average height and kind
>of skinny, but the thing about him you really noticed were his eyes.
>He had these gentle blue eyes, 

Jonatan: I'm seriously questioning Gryphon's sexuality right now.
Vidstudent: Only now?

>and if you made eye contact with him,
>you knew he wasn't scary. 

Ranma X: He had these cute puppy dog eyes, you see.

He blew 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --and then passed the tradition on to me.

>into the Wedge one day with a
>guitar, sat down and gave us a show,

Rebecca [Gryphon]: ...and scarred us all for life.
MMK [Gryphon]: All he could play was 'Greensleeves', but boy,
did he *ever* play 'Greensleeves'.

> and stuck around. He'd been
>everywhere, it seemed, but I guess when he got to 

Ranma X: --outer space... without a space suit... well, it wasn't pretty.

>Worcester he found his home, at least for a while. Got a job and 
>hung around, played his guitar in the Wedge and joined WPI's theater groups.

Vidstudent: I bet people fought over who got to run the sound board.

>God, he was a great guy. I miss him a lot."

All: Awww...
NeoVid: Does this guy have a hidden desire or what?

>"You really miss Worcester, don't you?"
>
>"Yeah, I do, 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: My evil henchmen always set my laser targeting system wrong.

>sometimes. That's one of the reasons I go to
>Random's...it's one of those kinds of places where anything might
>happen. 

MMK: Last night, for example. Undead chickens!

>Some Saturday night Jim Tyrrell's gonna walk in there, and
>I'm gonna be there when he does."

MMK: I'd like to see that, too! 
S.D.: Huh? Why?
MMK: He's going to be all gooey and icky and dripping with slime... It's going 
to be like watching Lord Raptor playing.
S.D.: Point.

>"After seeing the place, I think I could actually believe
>that."

Vidstudent: I guess Lord Raptor *was* there.

>"By the way, where are we going?"

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Back... to the future!

>Before Linna could reply, 

Vidstudent: --a meteor hit them. No one minded.

>the pager light on the dash started blinking and beeping insistently. 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: I guess turning the car into a giant Tamagotchi wasn't such a 
bright idea.

>Gryphon swallowed some profanity or
>another and punched the system online; 

Tango [Goliath]: Goliath... online!
Jonatan [System]: OWW!

>Sylia's face appeared on the monitor screen.
>
>"What?" Gryphon snapped.
>
>"I'm sorry to disturb you," Sylia replied apologetically, 

Tango [Gryphon]: WHAT?
Jonatan [Sylia]: I'm sorry to disturb you--
Tango [Gryphon]: WHAT?
Jonatan [Sylia]: I said I'm sorr--
Tango [Gryphon]: WHAT?

>"but we need you."

(A pause.)
Rebecca [Sylia]: ...with your pants on, Gryphon.
Tango [Gryphon]: WHAT?

>"What's the problem and why can't it wait until next week
>sometime?"

NeoVid [Gryphon, whiny]: Tell the Buma to go away! I wanna score!

>"I really am sorry. Meet us on the waterfront, near Pier 73.
>We'll have Linna's gear ready when you arrive. It's urgent, so please
>make all haste." The screen blipped off.

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Damn, I forgot my haste materia...

>"Well, that's just great."
>
>"Solves our problem, though, doesn't it?" Linna asked with a
>grin.

MMK [Linna, thinking]: ...mine, anyway.
S.D. [Linna, thinking]: Thank god! I was almost naked...

>Gryphon couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I guess it does at
>that. Hang on." He reached up and tagged a couple of switches; the
>light bar popped out of the roof , the siren started its eerie wail,
>and Gryphon hit the gas.

Vidstudent: You do realize, Gryphon, that you're not a cop.
Jonatan: Logic, my friend, is imagination... in Gryphon's world.
Tango: Actually their car has "ECNALUBMA" written on its hood.

>He navigated through traffic expertly and got them to the pier
>in record time, 

MMK: ...by running through the mall, through the park, past the fountain, 
turning right at the pet store, going under the bridge, and catapulting 
above the seaport.
NeoVid: Crazy Taxi: Hutchins edition.
S.D.: Actually, I think he just disabled clipping and went through the walls.

> skidding to a halt next to the truck and shutting 

MMK: --up.
Vidstudent: Impossible.

>down while piling out.

Rebecca: He then checked his full tank of gas, his half-pack of cigarettes, the 
lack of ambient light, and his shades.
Jonatan [Jake]: Hit it.
(Rebecca promptly slugs him into the back of the theatre.)
Jonatan: ...maybe I should rephrase that.

>As Linna climbed into the back of the truck to suit
>up, he opened up the armor case on the roof of the car while stripping
>off his clothes and throwing them in the back seat through the open
>window.

Jonatan: (returning to his seat) So, instead of Linna offering the world a free 
show, we get Gryphon. [sarcastic] I feel so blessed.
MMK: Can't we see Goldust instead?

>Within thirty seconds he was in his armor and powered up.

NeoVid [Gryphon]: It's Morphin' Time! 
Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Power CHANGE!
S.D. [Gryphon]: By the Power of Greyskull!
Jonatan [Gryphon]: Metamorforce!
Tango [Gryphon]: Rider... CHANGE!
Rebecca [Gryphon]: Power... EXTREME!
MMK [Gryphon]: Flame ON!
(MMK bursts into flames.)
Rebecca: Umm... MMK?
MMK: Yes?
Rebecca: Do you realize you're on fire?
MMK: Yes. (He ^_^s.)
Rebecca: Well... just checking.

>"What's the situation, O most lovely-yet-mysterious-and-
>unreachable employer-type?"

Ranma X [Sylia]: We're out of donuts, O wise-cracking-yet-still-annoying God-
fanboy-type.

> he asked, climbing aboard the truck. "Or,
>if you prefer: `what the hell's so bloody important?!'"

S.D.: Personally, I prefer "who booked this crap?!"
Rebecca: A friend of Priss' died and she went on a vengeance trip. Now the rest 
of the team have to bail her miserable arse out. Just guessing.

>"We're getting ready to enter a GENOM research facility where
>they've been working on a new type of 

MMK & NeoVid: ...lacy underwear?
(MMK and NeoVid look at each other.)
MMK & NeoVid: Whoa!
(A beat.)
MMK & NeoVid: Stop that.
(A beat.)
MMK & NeoVid: You first!
(A beat.)
MMK & NeoVid: Damn it!
(Ranma X hits both of them with his spatula.)
Ranma X: Quit that!
Vidstudent: ...who are you again?
Ranma X: I've been here the whole time!
Jonatan: (filming the group with a camcorder) When Idiots Attack...

> combat Buma," Sylia replied, looking up from a planning table. 

Rebecca [Sylia]: Gryphon?
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Yes?
Rebecca [Sylia]: Quit staring.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: But I wasn't staring at your gorgeous clea--
Rebecca [Sylia]: Gryphon!
NeoVid [Gryphon]: --n tabletop.

> "Indications are they've already
>got it operational, so we're going to need all the firepower we can
>get."

Jonatan [Sylia]: We can't take any chances. I've heard it's got a pointed stick.
MMK [Gryphon]: Ah, but fortunately I just built in special anti-stick weapons.
Jonatan [Sylia]: Good. If there's one thing I hate, it's sticky weapons.

>"Why, pray tell, did you decide to storm this place tonight?"

S.D. [Sylia]: Duh! X-Files is on tomorrow night.

>"It wasn't my idea," 

NeoVid [Sylia]: The voices in my head threatened to withhold the endorphins if I 
didn't do it.

>Sylia replied. "Fargo called me 

NeoVid [Sylia]: --a big, fat, greasy, whiny clown. Then I had to tell him that I 
had answered the phone and not Gryphon.

>less than half an hour ago to inform me that they're cleaning the place out
>in the morning, 

Vidstudent: Hmmm... early spring cleaning.
NeoVid: It's a must for any household.
Tango: Speak for yourself!
Jonatan: The race of super-intelligent dust bunnies in my living room get really 
ornery when I try to use the vacuum...

> so I decided we had no choice but to go in tonight.

MMK [Sylia]: Once I was informed that they were liquidating their 
warehouse and that everything must go, I knew we had to act.

>By tomorrow they'll be gone."

Vidstudent [singing]: Stay tonight/We'll fight the break of dawn/Come 
tomorrow/Tomorrow I'll be gone...

>MegaZone sauntered over, running diagnostics on his LightSaber
>armor.

Tango [Zoner]: (makes scanning sounds) It's dead, Jim.

>"So why are we attacking it at all, if they're leaving
>tomorrow?"

Jonatan: ...hello? Because they won't be there after tomorrow? Because they'll 
be gone and impossible to find until you get *another* lead? Fire up those 
sedated neurons, Bilkovic, and THINK.

>"USSD wants the Black Box that controls the orbital defense
>satellites back," 

NeoVid: Aha! They know they'll never win without the Orbital Mind Control Lasers.

>Sylia replied, "and they're paying us $20 million US to get it.

MMK: Wasn't this the plot of Warrior's Legacy part two?
Rebecca: Shamelessly ripped off from Goldeneye? Yes.
Tango: Except this was the plot of an earlier episode that you've now passed by 
now and can't go back to unless you've managed to warp space and time and... I 
like guns and cheese.
Signus [over intercom]: I must point out that this series was written before 
either Warrior's Legacy or Goldeneye even existed. Please keep that in mind. 
(A pause.) 
S.D.: So then how do you explain this plot appearing again in Warrior's 
Legacy?
(A pause.)
Signus [over intercom]: Shut up!

>In addition, this development is illegal," 

S.D. [Sylia]: So we're not doing this just for the money, no sirree!
NeoVid [Zoner]: Ah, thin guise of altruism, how versatile.

>Sylia continued. "If we can break the place up and leave some of the
>evidence intact, 

MMK [Sylia]: This will have been our most successful operation *ever*.

>ADPolice will finally have a case against GENOM, and
>Fargo informed me that none other than Brian J. Mason is there
>tonight, supervising the final stages.

S.D. [Cel-I-AAA-3]: What news, 003?
Jonatan: Final stage! That's when they have to defeat Mason who's jumping all
across the screen and firing balls at them, right?

> If we can get him..."

Rebecca [Sylia]: ...I can make him my lovemuffin.
Jonatan [Sylia]: ...we can mail him with three cereal boxtops and get a free 
limited edition Buma!
NeoVid [Sylia]: ...stoned enough, then he might sign the contract to appear 
in later episodes of this story!

>"I see. In other words, it's Sylia Stingray's personal crusade."

MMK: Sylia Stingray *is* Pope Innocent III!
Ranma X: ...as long as they fumble and die on their way to the Holy Land, I'll 
be happy.
Rebecca: ...except she killed Mason earlier in the fic...
Jonatan: It was just a flesh wound.
Rebecca: She stuck a bayonet through his neck!
Jonatan: He's had worse!

>"Your sarcasm is noted. Gryphon, I am truly sorry for
>interrupting your evening, 

MMK [Sylia]: It's not like I deliberately messed up someone else's love life 
just because I'm expecting to enter into one of my own that I would be 
vehemently against if only I could act on my own free will.
Tango [Zoner]: Shut up, bitch.
MMK [Sylia]: Yes, dear.

>but I need you and Linna for this operation. It's important. 
>Not only to me and USSD. If we can expose this operation and shut it down, 

S.D. [Sylia]: ...I'll give you a Scooby Snack.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: No.

>we'll cripple GENOM's combat Buma development into the next fiscal year!"

S.D. [Sylia]: And I'll give you a Scooby Snack.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Well... rokay.

>"Right, right. 

MMK: Two rights make a wrong.
Jonatan: And three make a left. Your point?
MMK: We're left with two rights.
Jonatan: Right, right, but the wrong is all we have left, so it wouldn't be
right to go left on the wrong right, right?
MMK: Now you're just making things up.
Jonatan: Well, yes.

>Well, I'm here now, so there's no sense

S.D. [Gryphon]: ... within a 100-mile radius.

> in arguing, right? Hit me with the battle plan," 

Vidstudent: Gladly, Gryphon, gladly. Head or groin?

>he said as he opened the heavy weapons locker and pulled out his minigun mount.
>"I think it's in this direction," Nene reported. 

Tango [Nene]: It's... (points in random direction) thataway!
Rebecca: Brilliant plan. How long did that take you?

>"There's too much electromagnetic interference in here for me to 
>say for sure, 

Rebecca [Nene]: Zoner, *please* turn off your phone.
NeoVid [Nene]: I cannae do it, Cap'n! There's tew much int-erferance!

>but this is the most likely direction."

Tango [Nene]: It's... (points in random direction) thataway!

>"Gryphon?"

S.D. [Gryphon]: I didn't do it! I mean, uh...

>"Yeah, she's right--this place is a sensor's nightmare. 

Jonatan: The one when it went to sensor school without any clothes on, and all 
the other sensors laughed.

>I can't get anything useful out of my sensors at all, 

Tango [Gryphon]: Wait, scratch that. They actually make pretty good bottle 
openers.

>and I'm in full detection mode. Nene's sensors are a dozen times more 
>sensitive

S.D. [sensors]: Tell me... how you *really* feel.

>and accurate than mine anyway. I should work on that...put it on my `to
>do' list, right after `stop global warming'."

S.D. [Gryphon]: ...which, incidentally, is after "get a life."
NeoVid [Gryphon]: And "Complete brainwashing of those poor canon losers."
Tango [Sylia]: What about "Make everyone job to you"?
S.D. [Gryphon]: That's first, of course.

>"Gryphon..."
>
>"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sheesh." 

(MMK [Gryphon] stands up and mimes putting a toilet seat down.)
MMK [Gryphon]: There? You happy?

> His collision alarm howled;

NeoVid [Gryphon]: What's that, collision alarm? Did Zoner fall down the well 
again?

>Gryphon threw the armor into combat mode 

Vidstudent: As it sailed into battle, he realized he had forgotten to get in 
first.

>as he ducked, shoving Nene aside in the process. 

Rebecca: A good metaphor for the entire story, actually.

>His would-be assailant landed where he had just
>been, and another near Nene's old position; 

Tango: Third base?
MMK: Who's on third?
Tango: No, I said Nene was on third. Who's on first?
MMK: Who is?
Tango: Yes.

> a third was engaging Sylia. 

NeoVid [Third]: Marry me, Sylia. 
Rebecca: Call in Armitage. Quick!
Jonatan: Third? Probably a flunky of Second... (growls) That vindictive, 
pontificating, dimension-skewed little bastard...

>Over his comm system he could hear the others encountering
>resistance as well;

Ranma X [comm system]: Vive le Resistance!
Tango [comm system]: Allez Cuizine!

>then he turned his attention to his attacker.

S.D. [British]: Terribly sorry about that interruption, old chap. Now where 
were we?

>It was a woman, or at least looked like one, 

MMK: But, then, it did have *huge*--
(Ranma X taps him on the shoulder.)
MMK: --tracts of land! (Turns to Ranma X) Excuse me?
Ranma X: Never mind. (He chucks his spatula to the back of the theater.)

> dressed in a garment similar to a hardsuit undersuit. 

Jonatan: Translated: leotard underwear. (Pause) If it starts laughing madly and 
throw roses, I'm not spending another second here.

> Full sensor scans showed that it was anything but a normal woman;

All: ...
MMK: I don't suppose everyone got the same idea I got?
Rebecca: If it has something to do with "double equipment", just nod.
(All except S.D. nod.)
Vidstudent: Gad, I feel dirty.
S.D.: What, am I the only one getting flashbacks to Ranmapunk?

> some kind of Buma, then.

Jonatan: Or maybe a cunningly disguised toaster oven.

>Gryphon locked her into his 

NeoVid: --Dungeon of Love (tm).

>targeting system and engaged the minigun,
>which obediently swung up, locked, and opened fire.

NeoVid [Linna]: Gryphon, when did you attach a minigun in your groin?
Vidstudent [Gryphon]: That's a good minigun! Good boy! Here, have a cookie!
Tango [minigun]: Arf!

>The slugs plowed into the Buma's flesh, 

Jonatan [slug, singing]: ...I'm Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again 
is Mr. Plow!

> but did little more than superficial damage, even when combined with the 
>gauntlet chainguns. 

Tango: It's a nerd! It's a lame! It's Munchkoman!
NeoVid: Maybe he should have used his Photon Cannon by now?
MMK: Nah! He should have used his killer yoyo and top.
Rebecca: I seem to recall saying something about those rounds being too small to 
be effective.
Vidstudent: A *blowgun* would've been more effective, and would've dealt more 
damage. 

> Then Iron Man's attacker closed the distance between them
>with a leap and plowed a fist into his gut.

Jonatan: Lots of plowing going on in this fic...
NeoVid: You noticed too?

>"Oof!" Gryphon observed,

MMK [Gryphon]: Hey, Boomer?
Rebecca [Boomer]: What?
MMK: FART!

> tumbling backward. He rolled back to his feet and backed off, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Back off, man, back off! You ain't fat! YOU
AIN'T NOTHIN'!

>standing the guns down, as they did little
>more than make small bloody holes in his adversary. 

Jonatan: Which has been just what's been expected from guns for several 
centuries, but of *course* monkeyboy needs better stuff.

>Very realistic bloody holes; 

Rebecca: Only the finest, reddest brand of ketchup for this model.

>apparently this was a combat-replicant model. Wow.
>Just how illegal were those these days? 

Vidstudent: Only slightly below your own munchkinized arsenal. Next question?
Tango: What happened to the crispy bacon we had before the war?
NeoVid: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Jonatan: What about the children?
MMK: And what about Scarecrow's brain?
Vidstudent: That was rhetoric.
MMK: No, I'm MMK. Who's Frederic?

>She advanced as he backed away, 

NeoVid: Until he backed into a running wood-chipper.
Vidstudent: There was much rejoicing. Yay.

>occasionally making some attack or another which he either
>dodged or parried. 

Ranma X.: --or was cut in half by. Whoops.

>Her attacks got faster and more complicated, 

MMK [narrator]: Though you'll have to imagine them for yourself... 
cause I ain't telling!
Jonatan: The fic that takes the bold step of *not* including the reader!
Vidstudent [narrator]: And they fought and they fought and I CAN'T TAKE IT 
ANYMORE!

> until finally she got through his guard with a spinning kick upside his
>helmeted head, which almost took him off his feet from sheer force and
>left his skull ringing. 

MMK [Sylia]: Could someone get the Gry-phone? His skull's ringing.
NeoVid: Excellent pun! You're a punhead! SCROE!

>She pressed her attacks, 

Ranma X: Making a tall glass of refreshing attack juice.
(All look at him.)
Vidstudent: And you are...?
Ranma X: Crap! I'm in this, too! I've been here all the time!

>hitting him twice

NeoVid: The postman always hits twice.

>more in the gut and giving him a palm strike to the chest that knocked
>him back against the wall.

Jonatan: Just as I prediced, Ben was the first to be up against the wall.
Ranma X: That reminds me... I've gotta buy a copy of Virtua Fighter 4.
Tango [CVS2 Announcer]: That is what we call the art of the combination attack.
Rebecca [Gryphon]: Damn... that wasn't covered in the SF rulebook...
MMK: In the future, all artificial intelligence is programmed by Jushin 
Liger.

>He responded by using the wall as a springboard for his own
>leaping kick, 

Jonatan: But landed on his ass instead.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: What do you mean, 'the Matrix isn't real'?

>which caught her under her jaw and knocked her

Tango: --up.
NeoVid: Cool!

> a good dozen feet away. He decided to try something else 

Rebecca: His debut on Broadway was a roaring success.

>and, as she recovered and charged him, fired the unibeam at full power. 

Tango: It fires unicycles at its targets.
MMK: The kind with clowns on? Because those are scary.

>The blast vaporized her extended lower left arm and went on to melt a
>decent-size hole in the wall beyond; 

Vidstudent: --cutting a hole directly into Toon Town.
MMK: Watch out for the Dip!

> undaunted, she launched another kick at his head.

Tango [Buma]: Rider... KICK!

>Iron Man sidestepped and ducked, letting her make a sizable
>dent in the metal wall, 

Jonatan: Also known as "Iron Man's head."

>and threw his right elbow into first her ribs
>(or at least, where they belonged) 

Vidstudent: How about throwing this fic where it belongs?

>and then the side of her jaw. She
>stumbled away; he turned to face her and then let her have it with his
>repulsors. 

S.D.: Believe me, he's repulsive enough as it is.

>The result could be described as some form of modern
>abstraction art--

(Jonatan takes out a kevlar canvas and places it in one seat. He then takes out 
a large-caliber shotgun and looks it over.)
Jonatan: Ah, no art like neo-brutalism. Very visceral. Anyone care to model? 
(Receives looks.) Anyone at all? (Receives more looks.) Fine, be that way. 
(Throws the equipment away.) I'm just a struggling artist trying to make ends 
meet. Bitches.
(A pause.)
MMK: I was going to volunteer, but that kevlar clashed with my tux. (A beat)
Wanna just do it without the kevlar?
Tango: Yeah, just stuff him full of lead.
Jonatan: (shrugs) Talk to me in the lobby later. I lost the moment. 

>perhaps akin to the things that young Japanese
>gentleman does with large pieces of canvas, buckets of paint, and a
>jet engine.

Jonatan, MMK, Tango, NeoVid: Amateurs.

>"Yuck," remarked Iron Man before turning to see how his
>comrades were doing.

Ranma X [Gryphon]: Ewww...
Jonatan: They were holding up a giant placard of Chairman... uh...
(Pause. All look at Ranma X.)
MMK: Dude, that was majorly sexually innuendoic!
Ranma X: Huh? I-- (Rereads passage again.) Oh.

>"All clear," Sylia reported. "Nene, get me a fix on--"

Rebecca: Crack?

>"Uh, I don't think that's going to be necessary," 

NeoVid [Zoner]: 'Sides, I need that fix. I need it so bad...

>Zoner interrupted her, pointing. "Here it comes."

NeoVid [singing]: To save the day! 
MMK [singing]: Here he comes! Here comes Speed Racer! He's a demon on wheels!

>From the back of the building came a huge red apparition.

Rebecca: Optimus Prime's back from the dead and he's PISSED!
Tango: He wants his trailer back. 

> Itlooked like a standard Type 55c Buma, but larger, and slightly more
>articulated, and of course red. 

Vidstudent: Sounds more like a Master Grade Sazabi.
MMK [Jim Ross]: Mah God! It's Kane! Kane!
NeoVid [Buma]: Whatcha gonna do when this Buma runs wild on you?! (Does all 
of Hogan's trademark poses)

>Iron Man didn't like the looks of it,

NeoVid: But since no one likes the looks of Irony Man, it evened out.

>and his battle computer liked it even less, tagging it as a Class VII
>Threat.

S.D.: And that might actually have been useful to know, if that had been in any 
way referential to something.
Tango: That's slightly above Chihuahuas and slightly below Hare Krishnas.
Jonatan: Those shriners can take your head clean off... My neighbour didn't 
donate, and we had to fish his body out of the river. (beat) Ain't a river 
within MILES of my town.

>It opened the discussion by snarling and launching itself
>forward on flight jets,

Rebecca: What, no "hello, how are you?" Just straight into the feral attacking? 
How rude.

> ignoring Priss's railguns and 

Jonatan: --getting filled with holes as a result.

>bashing Nene right out of its way.

MMK: Man, *everybody*'s doing that today.
NeoVid [Buma]: Just! Anotha! Victim!

>"Hey!" Iron Man shouted, outraged. "Nobody steps on a gweep
>in my town!

Rebecca [writing]: "Ghostbusters..."

> Waste 'im!" He launched himself up into the
>superstructure until he 

Vidstudent: --landed on his head. The Buma tied his limbs in a knot before 
he got back up.

>was on even elevation with it, then unleashed
>his pulse bolts at it. 

Jonatan: "Pulse Bolts: Unleashed"... sounds like a rock 'n roll concert...

>The plasma pulses slammed against its chest,
>almost halting its forward motion; it replied by blasting Iron Man
>with its mouth particle beam, knocking him against the far wall.

Ranma X: He should've used the ducking ability.
Vidstudent: Can you blame him, though? It still looks like he should have his 
blue head taken clean off.

>Zoner kept the Buma occupied with slashing attacks from his
>pulse lasers. "I knew I should have worn the fraggin' backpack!"

Jonatan: Even better, he should've taken the Unnatural Axe.
NeoVid: Wait a second, did anyone mention that it's a... (plays card) 
Humongous Buma?
Jonatan: Yes, but it's still... (plays card) a Baby Buma!
NeoVid: That was an evil pun, man. Cool.

>"Nene! Gryphon! Are you all right?" Sylia called.
>
>"I'm fine," Nene replied, getting slowly up. "Ow ow ow..."

Jonatan [Nene]: Could someone hand me my liver?
Ranma X [Nene]: Ewww... my spleen is so ugly!

>"Gryphon?"
>
>"Yeah...ouch...just a second. Armor's rebooting." 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Stupid ScanDisk's taking all day...
S.D. [Gryphon]: First thing I'm going to do when we get out of this 
is install Linux!

>Iron Man pried himself out of the wall 

Rebecca: ...with a crowbar.
Tango [Nene]: You lost a piece of yourself.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Eh, just my brain. I wasn't using it anyway.

> in time to see Linna go up and over the
>thing, whacking it right in the head with her impact blaster, 

MMK: Atomic noogie!

> to no discernible effect. Sylia tried much the same thing,

Vidstudent: Even though it didn't work the first time...

> jumping onto its shoulders and firing her palmgun with the muzzle 
>right against the thing's head, but managed only to break some of the
>armor before being grabbed and thrown clear.

NeoVid: All the way to China.
Tango: Fortunately, she got frequent flyer miles credited to her account.

>"I've got an idea," Iron Man announced, 

NeoVid: --stunning the others with surprise, so they were all blown full 
of holes.

>fine-adjusting his targeting system on the red Buma's head and setting 
>his repulsors to 145% emergency power. 

MMK: He's downloading his magnum opus, Symphony of The Neon Undocumented Legacy 
of the Exodus of Two Hopelessly Lost Warriors with a 45 Caliber Angel, into the 
opponent!
Rebecca: Isn't that against the Geneva Convention?

>"Stand clear!" He raised his hands, palms open, and fired.

(MMK takes out two electric paddles.)
MMK: Clear!
(MMK presses the paddles to an unsuspecting Ranma X, who gets jolted.) 
Ranma X: Yaaaaaaaagggghh! 
MMK: My God! He's alive! He's alive! 
Ranma X: Quit it! 
(MMK ^_^s.)

>Zap! 

Tango: Batman punches a guy!

>The twin bolts of energy converged perfectly on the
>damaged part of the Buma's head, 

MMK [Mr. Perfect]: But, of course, it's perfect!
(MMK spits his gum out and swats it out of the air.)

> which promptly vanished in a blast of smoke and fire. The ground 
>started shaking;

Jonatan: Oh, great. Wake up the Orochi again.

> Iron Man's sensors informed him with some alarm of the extreme level 
>of ionization in the air.

NeoVid: The air filter's gone berzerk!
Jonatan: Of course. As soon as the bad guy's defeated, the fortress collapses.

>"Sis!" Mackie's voice cried over the comm. "The orbital
>defense satellites--they're synchronized--"

S.D.: ...and swimming!

>"That's impossible!" Sylia replied as Zoner rapidly manhandled
>her out of the target area.

Jonatan: Because he lacked the special touch to womanhandle her.

>BOOM. 

Tango: Batman punches another guy!

The air turned white for an instant as half of the
>building just disappeared, leaving a smoking crater. 

MMK: Remember, kids: smoking isn't "cool" or "hip", and it's bad for you, even 
if you're a crater.

>The red Buma, headless, staggered forward, blind but still 
>functional, its crushing fingers seeking a target, any target.

Rebecca: Hey! Wasn't this in the first episode of Shin Getta Robo? 
Ranma X: It's in every episode of Shin Getta Robo. 
Tango [Boomer]: Brains... must have... brains...
Jonatan [Lich]: Nghaa! I'm getting healthy!

>"Linna!" Priss shouted. "Hit it again!"
>
>"Right!" 

NeoVid: Left!
MMK: Up!
Tango: Down!
Jonatan: Back!
S.D.: Front!
Vidstudent: Over!
Rebecca: Under!
Ranma X: Around!
NeoVid: And through!
MMK: Went the little boy, who was wearing blue!

>Linna replied, diving forward and plunging her impact
>blaster into the damaged area of its chest armor. 

MMK: ...and taking out its still-beating heart.
Tango [MK Announcer]: Linna wins! Fatality!
Jonatan: The role of Linna will be played by Zordick Kirua.

> The resulting explosion blew most of the plate off in the upper chest area; 

S.D.: Hey, that's not a Buma! That's...
Jonatan [Joe]: KRAUSER!
MMK [Krauser]: This is a showdown, Geese!

> Linna tumbled artfully clear as Priss put three railgun spikes into the
>wound and MegaZone cut its innards free with his blades. 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: We eat tonight!
S.D.: How very Judeo-Christian the imagery is.
Jonatan: This Buma died for our sins.

> The red Buma staggered, faltered, and then exploded very prettily.

All: Oooooh...

>"I think we should definitely get out of here now," Iron Man
>observed as the ionization level started increasing again. They
>cleared the building 

S.D.: --locking Gryphon inside to be killed.

>just before the second shot the dying Buma had
>called down hit, destroying the entire complex.

Jonatan: Now, if only it destroyed a certain God-complex...

>"Well," Gryphon observed, packing his helmet back into the
>case as they watched the building burn, 

MMK [Gryphon]: Who's up for roasting marshmallows?
All: Yay!

> "bang goes the Black Box, ay?"
>
>"Bang goes $20 million," Nene said wistfully.
>
>"Who cares about that?" Linna replied, stretching and yawning.

Rebecca: ...to fill up this fic's fanservice quota.
Ranma X: I guess, what with the current rates of inflation, 
$20 million doesn't really buy anything in the future.
Jonatan [Nene]: I really wanted that cup of coffee.

>"God, I'm exhausted. Sylia, can we go now?"
>
>"Hmm?" Sylia replied, looking away from the fire. "Oh, yes.
>Certainly. I'm sorry about this."

Tango [Sylia]: It was the MMK's fault! He made me do it! Damn him!
MMK: Hey!

>"Sure, no sweat," Gryphon said, buttoning his shirt. "See you
>at the lab tomorrow--got a couple of things I want to work on."

Rebecca [Gryphon]: I'm not god-like enough yet.

>"Right. Goodnight, Gryphon, Linna."
>
>"Night all." Gryphon climbed into his car and belted in; to
>something of his surprise, 

Jonatan: --a grue ate him.
NeoVid: --the land mine under his seat went off.
Vidstudent: --the Martians landed.
Tango: --someone was hiding in his backseat wearing a mask and wielding
a huge axe.
MMK: --the Undertaker whirled around and growled "WHERE TO, STEPHANIE?"
S.D.: --the ejector seat activated automatically.
Rebecca: --it was his birthday.
Ranma X: --his steering wheel was made entirely of cheese.

>Linna got into the other side. 

(All snap their fingers.)
Jonatan: What sort of half-assed surprise is that?

>"I thought you said you were exhausted?"
>
>"I am," Linna replied, "but I'm also wired. 

Rebecca [Linna]: The ADPolice wants to know where your next "Act of Munchkinism"
will take place.

>I couldn't sleep
>now if my life depended on it. Want to head back to your place for
>some hot chocolate or something?"

Jonatan [Gryphon]: I'll take "or something."

>"Sure," said Gryphon, tagging the autocruise button. "Home,
>Blandwell."

MMK: A metaphor for the entire fic.

>"`Blandwell'?"
>
>"It's a long story."

MMK: Story ti--crap!
Vidstudent: Old habits are hard to break, huh?

>"Well, we've got all night..."
>
>"Well, in that case... Well, first of all, Sam Waterson sends
>the spy guy in the Piper Cub over to Russia, to the restaurant with
>the bad service..."

Tango: PLEASE GOD! MAKE IT STOP!
Rebecca: No! I'm not hitting you again.
Tango: Please? Pretty please with Teflon-coated armor-piercing HV bullets on top 
please?
Rebecca [Sighs]: Oh, all right. (She hits him) Grant Morrison Indifferent!
Tango [Cyclops]: DREAMS FRY PIGGIE!

>
>Sylia and Zoner checked the hardsuits 

Rebecca [Sylia]: Yup, they're hardsuits.

>back into their storage
>lockers. Zoner was concerned over the new wiring traces he had
>installed during recent upgrades. 

S.D. [Zoner]: They keep melting.

>Sure, they tested out fine, but there was no test like battle.

Rebecca: Just ask 2040 Sylia and the *first* Knight Sabers.
Tango: Harsh.

> He caught her glancing at him a few times, mostly because he was 
>glancing back. 

Vidstudent [Sylia]: Stop that.
Ranma X [Zoner]: *You* stop that.

>Well, what was he afraid of anyway?

Jonatan: The Big Bad Wolf?
MMK: A metaphor for the entire fic.

>Just before they finished he broke the silence, 

Tango [silence]: *CRASH!*
NeoVid [Zoner]: Oops.

>"Would you like another espresso?"
>
>Sylia smiled openly, "Yes, I'd like that."

MMK [Zoner]: A buck fifty, please.
S.D.: Can we *please* stick with one Sylia here?
Rebecca: If wuss-boy 2040 Mackie shows up, I'm screaming.

>They finished their tasks and retired to Zoner's office, where
>he fired up the espresso machine. 

Tango [espresso machine]: *BOOM*!
NeoVid [Zoner]: Oops.

> Sylia settled onto his couch, while Zoner slowly paced about. 
>Both nervously skirted around any serious topics, and eye contact
>was right out. 

Jonatan [beatnik]: It was decidedly unhip.
Rebecca [beatnik]: Uncool.
MMK [beatnik]: Passe. Like squares-ville, man.
NeoVid [beatnik]: Right on!
Vidstudent [beatnik]: Word.

> The espresso seemed to take forever. He couldn't avoid looking at 
>her to hand her the mug. Oops!

MMK [Zoner]: I was saying that out loud and not just thinking it!

>Eye contact. Damn!

Ranma X: ...and immediately Zoner was turned into stone.

>"Uh, here you go. So, um, how've you been doing?" Oh yeah,
>real smooth, dummy.

S.D.: Today, on "Worst Pick-up Lines Caught on Tape..."

>"Well, I've been well." Loosen up.

Tango [Sylia]: And I've been repetitive and saying the same things.

>"Good, hate to think anything was amiss." Amiss?! What?

MMK: They're those old-fashioned people who don't use cars and stuff and churn 
butter for fun.
Vidstudent: MMK, those are the Amish.
MMK: Well, we love them anyway! (He ^_^s.)
Jonatan: (growls) They're nothing but penguin-loving, blood-sucking alien salt 
vampires. They're slowly taking us over and burning little dot-patterns on our 
skin!
(Silence.)
MMK: And they make quilts. Quilts rule!

>"Thanks for your concern." I sound like a form letter.

Tango [Zoner]: Happy Birthday/Anniversary/Christmas/Hannukah/Other (Please 
Specify/Delete as appropriate) Sylia!

>"Well... Oh hell... Sylia, I'm no good at this. I can't do
>small talk, look at me."

MMK [Zoner]: Check the pecs! Hu ha hiya!
Rebecca [Sylia]: I'd rather not.

>Sylia laughed. "Ok, I'm not much good at it myself. 

NeoVid: Actions, after all, speak louder than words, ifyouknowwhatImean.

> I think what you're trying to say is that you like me as more than a friend."

S.D. [Zoner]: No... weren't you listening, lady? I said, "look at me."

>"Well, yeah, I wouldn't be quite as direct, but yes. 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: Get out of my head!

>I guess watching Linna and Ben has gotten me thinking. 

Jonatan: That's pretty dangerous, you know.
Tango [Zoner]: I didn't know people could bend that way!

>We've been working
>together for some time now, and I've developed more than just a
>professional respect. 

Rebecca [Zoner]: I guess you can call it professional lust.
Vidstudent: While Sylia is developing professional revulsion.

> I just like being with you for any reason. To
>the point that I go out of my way to find excuses to work with you."

S.D.: I would have thought "I need someone to hold the manual while I read" 
would be too obvious.

>"I've noticed. I know how good you are with the tech, you
>don't need me 

S.D.: Neither does anyone else.

>for all the things I've helped with. But to be honest,
>I really don't mind." She gave him a sidelong glance.

NeoVid: ...he traded it in for that T-shirt he really wanted.

>"Well, hmm, what now. I don't seem to have planned that far
>into the future, I ran out of ideas about a minute ago."

S.D.: Too much to hope for.

> Zoner finally stopped walking and settled 

NeoVid: --for trying to fondle her once before being killed.

>onto the couch next to Sylia.
>
>"I'm not sure, I... I don't really have much experience... I
>mean... What I'm trying to say is..."

MMK [Darkheart One]: LET'S HAVE *SEX* NOW! =D
Vidstudent: This public service message brought to you by the Octagon Rumble.

>"I understand. You've devoted your life to your fight and you
>never made time for yourself. You never found someone who understood
>you, because they would have to understand the fight too. 

MMK [Sylia]: That is right... the fight is all.
Tango [Zoner]: Ah, fignuts.
Vidstudent [Sylia]: Get out of *my* head!

> You've never had a relationship, have you?"
>
>Sylia seemed a little embarrassed, and slightly upset, "No,
>never."

Rebecca [Sylia]: Unless you count Priss, Linna, and Nene... er, oops.

>"Hey, don't be upset," he turned her face to his with a slight
>touch on her cheek, "I won't tell anyone if you won't." 

MMK [Zoner]: Even after I'm arrested for what we did!

>Her expression lightened a bit. "And it doesn't change the way I feel."

NeoVid [Sylia]: What do you feel?
MMK [Zoner]: Horny.
(Ranma X and Vidstudent rush the two but NeoVid and MMK disappear and 
rematerialize behind the theater. Ranma X and Vidstudent end up smacking 
each other.)
MMK: Heh heh heh... you know we're going to pay for that later.
NeoVid: It was worth it. (He ^_^s.) 

>"I'm not sure how I feel, it's... different. I've always been
>so focused. I guess I seemed cold."

Jonatan [Sylia]: But after you and Gryphon showed up, I couldn't afford to pay 
the heating bill.

>"Only to those who don't know you. In your own way you've
>shown how much you care. The Sabers are like a family to you. I know
>how much you care, remember, I know a lot about you."

Tango [Zoner]: I've been stalking you for the past three years.

>"Yes, I know. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I
>mean, to you I'm just some character..."

Jonatan: So you're a bit higher than his usual standards... big deal.
Tango: Are you gonna tell her about Crash then?
Rebecca: I think that's a bit too mean.

>"Shhh... No, please don't say that. It there is one thing my
>experiences have shown me is that everyone is real. Somewhere out
>there is an entire universe that I helped to create. 

Rebecca: And we thank you for this. Really.
Vidstudent: Where can I send the tactical nuke?

>Sometimes I feel responsible for everything they went through.

Tango: So can we blame you for Aunt May dying?
Rebecca: Can we blame you for Beast Machines?
Jonatan: Can we blame you for Magic: The Gathering?
S.D.: Can we blame you for Dubya? 
NeoVid: Can we blame you for me going crazy?
Ranma X: Can we blame you for the ever-increasing vilification 
of black people in American news reporting?
(MMK gestures accusingly at Ranma X.)
MMK [indignantly]: He took mine!
Vidstudent: Can we blame Zoner for that?
MMK: Hey, yeah!

> Being a god isn't an easy job. 

NeoVid [Bender]: You know, I was God too, once.
Jonatan [God]: YES. I SAW. YOU WERE DOING FINE UNTIL EVERYONE DIED.

>I still worry about them, about 'me' and 'my' life there.
>But I can't dwell on it, I just can't. And I can't dwell on the life
>I left behind to save that universe. What do my friends and family
>think? 

Vidstudent: Something like "We're rid of him! Party time!"

>Are they still wasting their time looking for me? Have they
>gone on? I will never know."

MMK [Zoner]: I know my heart will go on, but...
(Bapping ensues.)

>Zoner brushed the tears away from his eyes.

MMK: Dude! Hide that eye-drop better. I can still see it in your right hand.

>Sylia hugged him tight, surprising herself with the
>instinctive action. 

Ranma X: If her instinct is to crush him and smother him to death, I applaud 
nature.

>But she didn't let go. 

Rebecca: Soon his eyes bugged out of his head.

>Zoner returned the hug and continued, "I can't think about it for too long, 
>or all of the 'what ifs' overwhelm me.

Rebecca: Even then, some of the Furman/Senior ones are really cool.
Jonatan: Or the one where Wolverine got crippled, and ended up leading the
W-Men. I loved that one.

> It was worse when I first got here, that's why I hid in the office. 

Rebecca: And all along we thought it was because he was an anti-social suicide-
prone jerk.
MMK: We did? I just thought he was being chased by bill collectors or something. 
(He ^_^s.) 

> My life now is here, this is my home. The Knight Sabers are my family too now, 

Tango [Zoner]: Family I hope to have sex with.

>your fight is my fight. 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God.

>And believe me, you are very real to me. And believe me also when I tell
>you that I think 

MMK [Zoner]: --I'm turning Japanese.

>I'm falling in love with you."

Jonatan [singing]: Please believe me! I know not what I do! Please believe me, I 
can't stop loving you! 

>They loosened the hug enough to look each other in the eye.

Ranma X: And both turned into stone statues... please?
Jonatan: Wishful thinking. (Pause) Must be a common incident at the Medusa 
family reunions.

>Sylia spoke first, "I'm not sure what to say. 

Ranma X: Then stop talking!

>I didn't realize how hard it could be for you. 

MMK: Sylia Stingray, straight-line factory!
Jonatan: With her around, it's always hard for him.
[pause]
*KLANG!*
Jonatan: [picking himself up] Ran, you're smarter than you look.
Ranma X: Shut up.

>It was always just an interesting theoretical discussion for me. I just 
>didn't realize..."

Ranma X: ...theoretical discussion?
S.D.: Scientist pick-up lines, volume one.
Tango: Collect the whole set!

>Zoner laid a finger upon her lips to silence her. "You
>couldn't - can't - know what is like, and I don't expect you to. I
>just wanted you to know that I'm serious and that this isn't just a
>fling for me.

NeoVid [Zoner]: Now THIS is a fling.
(NeoVid [Zoner] throws MMK [Sylia] into the back row.)
MMK: Owowow...

>I'm very serious. I'm in love with you."

Rebecca: Pray that Yuri never finds out. Pray for you and the planet you're 
standing on.
Jonatan [speaking into phone]: Hello, 3WA? Could you please connect me to a 
certain person...

>Sylia leaned in closer. "I'm not sure, but I think I love you too."

S.D.: I'm going to be sick.
Rebecca: I'm going into sugar shock.
Jonatan: I'm going to gag.
Ranma X: I'm going to hurl. 
Tango: I'm going to Disneyland. (He ^_^s.)

>They closed the distance and kissed, gently but passionately.

NeoVid: Then she puked.
MMK [Troy McLure]: Now comes the part you've all been waiting for... 
HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY.

>
>12 MARCH 2033

Tango: The year after the night before.

>Gryphon sat in his room behind the lab, tapping away 

Jonatan: --on the dance floor.

>at a file; Zoner knocked at the doorframe, then entered the room.

Jonatan [Ensign]: SI on the Bridge!

>"C'mon in," Gryphon said absently. "Just a second." He
>clicked an icon and fed the document he was working on to the printer.

MMK [Printer]: Hey, where's the pork buns and taters? I always get pork buns and 
taters on Tuesdays!

>"What's that?"

NeoVid: Internet porn.

>"Hmm? Oh, college essay."
>
>"Going back to school?"
>
>"Yeah, I'm thinking of picking up my doctorate in cybernetics."

S.D. [Zoner]: Let me guess: same school you entered last month?
Jonatan [Gryphon]: Yeah.
S.D. [Zoner]: Correct me if I'm wrong, but... you do not get a doctorate
through a correspondence school!
Jonatan [Gryphon]: But... but... they said guaranteed or my money back!
S.D. [Zoner]: ...

>"Doesn't that mean--"
>
>"Double EE/ME, yeah. With a minor in history."
>
>"Ouch. Pretty major course load, dude. Giving me some
>competition. You're the one who couldn't handle CS--you sure you're
>up for that kind of thing?"

MMK [Gryphon]: Hey! I intend to make it at *least* as far as 
midterms this time!

>"Did I, or did I not, finish med school in a little under four
>months?"

All: ...
Jonatan: Any plausibility this story had just went out the back door and got 
stabbed by a guy in a ghost mask.

>"Yeah, well, I guess you did." 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: Of course, bribing the teachers with money and drugs did 
help.
NeoVid [Ben]: Well, I offered sex first, but they turned me down.
Tango [Gryphon]: Except for Mr. Abrams.

>Zoner sat down on Gryphon's
>bed. "I get the feeling Edison had something to do with that."

Vidstudent: Thomas Edison doesn't deserve this.

>"Yeah, I get the feeling." His residency had been the same as
>his time with Caine; 

S.D.: --a sweet time in a young man's life, where spring heralds the awakening 
and discovery of his sexuality.
(A pause.)
NeoVid: I would have called it poetic if it weren't for the yaoi subtext.
(S.D. smirks.)
NeoVid: Thus furthering the commonly-held assumption that poetry is totally gay.
S.D.: Hey!

> Edison was at both ends with a big grin on his face, 

All: ...
Ranma X: What the hell does that mean?
S.D.: Well, I'd explain, but I don't think present company could appreciate it.

> and in between was a blob of time that defied his attempts to
>measure it 

NeoVid: No, that would be Gryphon's blob of fat.

>with his memory, but which yielded up a parade of
>perfectly-recalled individual moments, if he took the time. 

Tango: Which he always did. He *loves* parades!

>Gryphon took the printout, folded it, stuffed it into 

Tango: ...a turkey.

>an envelope, 

[Tango snaps his fingers and shrugs.] 

> and sealed it.

Jonatan: ...with a kiss.
NeoVid [singing]: Yes, it's gonna be a cold lonely summer...

> "I'll just mail this on the way downtown."
>
>"Downtown?"

Tango [Gryphon]: No. You're hearing things.

>"Yeah, I told Nene I'd pick her up after work. Her scooter
>died."

MMK: Funeral services will be held on Tuesday. The burial will be on 
Wednesday.

>"Oh. Where's that to, anyway?"
>
>"The Bavarian

NeoVid: --Illuminati!? I thought that I helped the UFOs beat them! No one can 
stand up to the combined power of the Clone Arrangers, the Moonies and the 
Advanced Supersonic Aluminum Nazi Hell Creatures From Beneath the Hollow Earth!

> Institute of Technology," Gryphon replied as he
>began putting various documents into his briefcase.

S.D.: BIT?

>"In Munich?"

Tango [Gryphon]: No. Inside a donut shop.

>"The same."
>
>"That's a long ways away."

MMK: Nope, just the next few pages over.

>"I'm aware of that."
>
>"You're really serious, aren't you? Leaving MegaTokyo--that's
>a pretty big step."
>
>"Yeah, well...it's only for a few months. You guys can
>survive without me." 

S.D.: Without one of their SIs, they'll be killed in a second.
Jonatan: Or worse, return to their normal characterization. Can't have that.

>He laughed. "'Sides, I'm looking forward to
>seeing the Mackinator again-

Tango: Mackinator Two: Perverts Day!
Rebecca: Is that the one where he goes up against the other Mackinator that 
looks like Makoto Mizuhara and is made of liquid metal?

> -he's the one who got me interested. Says
>they have a hell of a biocyb program."
>
>"What about Linna?"

Tango: What about Linna?
Jonatan: Well, there is something about Linna.
MMK: Yeah, but she doesn't use the same all-natural hair gel.

>Gryphon froze for a second, 

Vidstudent: Error Macro 011661536 running module gryphon.dll; abort,
retry, fail?

>then slammed his briefcase a trifle harder than one would normally 
>close the hood of one's Buick.

Rebecca: Oops. Social blunder.

>Zoner jumped, 

S.D.: ...and screamed like a little girl.

>startled at the violence of the movement.

MMK: Quebec was pretty brutal in the 1970s.

>"What about her?" Gryphon asked in a quiet voice.

Rebecca [Zoner]: How does one go from being an aerobics instructor to a stock 
broker anyway?

>"What's the problem?"

Jonatan: The problem isn't a problem. Understanding the problem is the problem.

>"Problem? No problem. None at all. If you'll excuse me, I
>have an appointment

Tango [Gryphon]: With a meat grinder.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: With... DESTINY!

> downtown." He picked up the briefcase and his
>notebook computer, turned, and exited the room, leaving Zoner
>wondering what the hell he had said.

MMK [Zoner]: I could have sworn I just said "You're an asshead," like 
always...

>He shrugged and left in search of Sylia.

Tango: He needs to go to the cave of the Monkey King first to collect the five 
fire gems before he can find her.

>He found her running fusion plant simulations on the DEC
>Epsilon. 

Vidstudent [Sylia]: ...see what *this* button does...

She was deep in thought was she watched the scrolling data,

S.D.: ...which was more interesting than Zoner, in any case...

>so he thought it best to wait. Besides, he was interested in the
>results too. He wasn't sure how long he watched the simulation, but
>he was absorbed enough 

Jonatan: --that the Gelatinous Cube dissolved him.

>to not notice Sylia noticing him.

Vidstudent [Sylia]: You! Out!

>"Fascinating, isn't it?" she asked.

Tango: In a kind of "train wreck" way.

>"Huh? Oh... Oh yeah, it is. 

Ranma X [Zoner]: I'm interested. Really!

I see you've made some
>modifications to the standard toroid. Cut the hot spots down...
>12.4% power increase too. Good design work. How stable is the new
>field?"

Jonatan [Sylia]: Shakier than a rotating restaurant, but some duct 
tape will fix that.

>"That's what I'm working on. I need to be sure it is safe to
>build and field test a prototype. 

MMK [prototype]: ME! JOHN CENA!

>There are a few fluctuations I'm worried about."

Rebecca [Sylia]: Damned reality keeps getting in the way.

>"Hmm... Yes..." Zoner slowly stroked his beard as he mulled
>it over.

MMK: It's... an *evil* Zoner from a parallel world?
Jonatan: That might be an improvement.
MMK [evil Zoner]: I see... if I change the data and give it to Gryphon, 
he will be killed by a malfunction, and I will have the canon characters 
to myself! Bwahaaahaaaa... [pause] Did I say that out loud?

>He suddenly started entering data into the simulation.

Vidstudent [Zoner]: Watch this. I can make it play the theme from
Rawhide!

>"Yes. What if you modify the tertiary coil to provide a perpendicular
>dampening field.

Tango: Don't cross the streams!

>You'll still get an axial containment from the
>primary and suitable wave guide from the secondary.

NeoVid [Zoner]: But those rotor turbines still won't be able to generate 
gravitons by themselves.

>Granted you'll only have a 9.3% power increase, at least by these 
>figures, but it will give you a... lessee... 213% increase in the safety 
>margin. Small price to pay, eh?"

MMK [Evil voice]: Yes, for your *soul*... Bwahahahaha!

>"Yes... Yes,. I think it would work. I was concentrating on
>the interior flux dynamics. Thanks."

Tango [Sylia]: I was trying to reconfigure the output of the flibblesnork 
hotdracbitz hoobijoob to produce an increase in the upended reticulating 
pumping lemur matrix of the frost-free fridge. (There is a faint 'ding'.)
Rebecca [Zoner]: What the hell are you saying?
Tango [Sylia]: I have no idea. I'm just humouring you, now.

>"It's what I'm here for. Besides, I wanted to get you free so
>we could talk."
>
>"What about?"

NeoVid [Fry]: You know. Stuff. And junk.

>"Well, let's go to my office. We can have some privacy there."
>
>"Ok. Must be important."

Jonatan [Zoner]: No, it's a prelude to sex. Can't you tell?

>"Vaguely, yes."
>
>Zoner latched the office door and joined Sylia on the couch.

Jonatan: Two seconds later they were engaged in a passionate, flaming 
liplock.

>She seemed concerned, almost nervous. He tried to put her at ease.

NeoVid: ...through hypnotism.

>"It isn't anything bad really. I just wanted to talk to you
>about a few personal things."
>
>"Ok... what is it?"

MMK [Zoner]: You see, I've been having these discharges from my--
Rebecca [Sylia]: Ewww... too personal.

>"Well, you know about where I'm from, and what I know... I'd
>like to talk a little about that. Actually about you."
>
>"Me?"

NeoVid [Zoner]: No, the green-haired girl with the knife behind you...

>"Yes. You know about my cyberware and how that works right."

Jonatan: --ifyaknowwhatImean.

>"Yes, we've rather thoroughly covered the topic."

Jonatan: --ifyaknowwhatImean.

>"Yeah, well, you know it isn't all that different from
>high-level Buma technology. 

S.D. [Zoner]: They both have... wires. And electricity, and stuff.

>The main tech difference is interfacing the electromechanics with 
>the meat. 

Jonatan: --ifyaknowwhatImean.
Vidstudent: All to facilitate their mission of making cyberhamburgers.
MMK: Burger King's insidious plot is revealed!
Tango [Zoner]: I have become the Burger Overlord! AHAAHAAHAAHAA!

>Since I've been here I've 'upgraded' some of my ware with Buma technology. 

Jonatan: --ifyaknowwhatImean.
MMK [metallic voice]: Upgrade complete!

> Have to keep on the edge. 

Ranma X: The better to push you off of, my dear Godboy.

> But what I'm getting at... well... Your father..."
>
>"What about my father?" Sylia was now very interested.

MMK [Zoner]: Sylia... [breathes heavily] know this-- 
Rebecca: I vote for chucking that joke.
S.D.: Aye!
Ranma X: Seconded!
MMK: Fine.
(A second of pause.)
MMK [Yuri]: Sylia, don't! He's our... our...
Rebecca: Acceptable.
Tango: We'll take it! Wrap it up!

>"Not everything he did was turned over to GENOM. 

Jonatan [Zoner]: I hear he has special "attachments" developed... (wiggles his 
eyebrows lewdly)

> He did some fantastic pioneering work. 

NeoVid [Zoner]: Guy paddled one bitchin' canoe.

> Some of it was radical 

Jonatan [Zoner]: ...some of it was radial, some of it was radioactive so he 
had to bury it in the landfill to avoid health inspectors.

>enough that the few techs who did see it didn't think it would work. 

Ranma X: But the surfers loved it.

>So it wasn't pursued. But it did work, it does work."

Tango: And the big blue monster robot currently tearing up downtown is living 
proof of that fact!
Rebecca [Zoner]: Oh yeah, are you a boomer? We got this debate going back home.

>Sylia was looking very uneasy. "What are you getting at?"

Tango [Zoner, whispering]: Soylent green is people! Soylent green is people!

>"Sylia, please believe me, before he died your father
>installed the technology in you."
>
>Sylia gasped and recoiled a bit.

Jonatan [Sylia]: You didn't say this conversation would contain spoilers! 
NeoVid [Zoner]: Oops, forgot the [SPOILERS] tag. 

>"Please, don't be shocked. Think about the signs. Remember

Tango: --the three-headed dog, the weird swamp gas, and the lady who gave birth 
to a fish?
Jonatan: Not to mention the moon becoming blood red and the a third of the sea 
dying.
Vidstudent: And the "MADE IN JAPAN" written on her forehead.

>the tape you received after his death, 

Jonatan: They were OVERDUE!
[Others gasp.]

>how it triggered such an
>information flow? The tape was encoded with compressed data. 

S.D.: We now present Sylia Stingray as Johnny Mnemonic.

> The ware your father developed is almost organic, a lot like the systems
>in a 33/S series. You would never notice it. He linked it to your
>senses. Notice a natural aptitude for math and science, the ease that
>you took to high-tech fields. 

Jonatan: And here all along I thought it was because she was talented.

> This is your father's legacy."

MMK: BubbleGum Crisis: Father's Legacy.

>"No.. no, it's not... he never... I never... I'm human!"

Ranma X [Sylia]: I am not an animal! I'm a human being!
Rebecca [Sylia]: I'm as human as the next man!
Tango [Deckard]: Damn straight.

>Zoner quickly gathered her into a warm embrace. "Shh.... You
>are human, same as I. You just have some enhancements. 

Tango: And here I thought they were natural.
Rebecca: See? Silicone can fool you.

>You accept me for who I am, right?" 

Rebecca [Sylia]: Actually, I--
S.D. [Sylia's brain]: Zip it! He's a Godboy, remember?
Rebecca [Sylia]: --I did! I did!

> He was worried that the new knowledge could
>trigger mental shock. A fugue state would not be a good thing.

Ranma X: It'd be his fugue, likely.
Jonatan: More like a dirge.

>She nodded weakly.

S.D.[Zoner]: Now I'll exploit her emotional state for hurt/comfort sex! 

>"Now you need to accept who you are. You are still the same
>person you have always been. I know it is a big discovery. 

Tango: No, this is a big discovery! (Points at a blue whale in the back of 
the theater.)
NeoVid: Damn. Beat me to it.
Jonatan: Sheesh. You don't see me making a fuss about the snacks you bring 
into the theatre, do you?
MMK: You do so.
Jonatan: Yeah, but *you*'re eating salt and vinegar chips! That's *gross*!

>But I want to help you. I love you, and I will do everything I can to help.
>I've been agonizing about telling you since I first 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: --had my leg caught in a wombat hole.

>realized I was falling for you. 

MMK [singing]: And when you're falling... I can't tell which way is down!

>I decided to wait until you had developed a trust in me.

Rebecca: So... he misled her to make her trust him? 
MMK [Shakespearean]: Honest, honest Iago...

> I didn't want you to face this alone. And I'm not going to let
>you do that now."

Rebecca: Like, gag me with a spoon!
MMK: Like, okay! (takes out a spoon and moves towards Rebecca)
Rebecca: Sit down!

>Sylia hugged him tighter. 

Ranma X: ...crushing him... please?

> "Thank you."
>
>"Don't thank me yet. 

MMK [Zoner]: You haven't seen my bill.
(NeoVid does a rimshot.)

>I know this is hard to deal with. Even
>I had problems 

All: We know. We know.
S.D.: Gad, isn't that what 95% of your dialogue is about?

>when I got my first pieces of ware, and I thought I was
>fully prepared ahead of time. I want you to think about something
>ok?"

Jonatan: [reading from a card] Do not think about a monkey.

>"Yes," she whispered.

MMK [Sylia]: But... thinking hard... God-boy around...
Jonatan [Zoner]: Then, let me do the thinking for you.
MMK [Sylia]: Y-y-y-yeee...
Jonatan [Zoner]: Say "yes".
MMK [Sylia]: Y-y-yeess.
Jonatan [Zoner]: Good girl.

>"Consider letting Ben and I install interface plugs like ours.

S.D. [Sylia]: Ewww...
NeoVid [Zoner]: Not those plugs.
MMK [Zoner]: Then we can connect to each other and have cybersex!

>If you had them you could fully utilize your abilities, and it would
>let me help you directly. Will you think it over?"
>
>"Ok... I guess it..."

Vidstudent [Sylia]: Can I phone a friend?

>Zoner gently cut her off, "No, not now. I want you to wait a
>while, and be sure about it."
>
>Her reply was a silent nod.

Jonatan: The *BYOINGOINGOINGGG*-sounding effect was completely unrelated.

>"Good. How about I just hold you for a while?"

Jonatan: So he had us go through all that emotional tripe just to cop a feel?

>Another nod. He could feel her tears soaking his shirt, 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: Ewww...
S.D. [Zoner]: I better be getting extra for the cleaners for this.

> and hoped that he had done the right thing.

NeoVid [Hal Jordan]: I only wanted to do the right thing.

>That night, Zoner was wandering around MegaTokyo, bored.

MMK: Them flesh-eating borers will do that to you.
Jonatan [Sign]: Not board.

>Nothing was happening. It was singularly dull.

Ranma X: And somewhere, a crime was being committed.
Jonatan: Specifically, the manslaughter of my interest and free time.
Tango: In Megatokyo, a man gets robbed every third second. And let me 
tell you, he's getting pretty pissed about it.

> He happened to be driving past a bar called "Bruno's" when he noticed
>a gleaming, lumpy, sleek

MMK: ...radioactive porridge.
Vidstudent: Wait, how can it be lumpy and sleek at the same time?
Others: Shhhh!
Vidstudent: Fine. (grumbles)

> blue-green car parked in front of it.

Tango: What, you were expecting it to be parked inside?
Jonatan: You wouldn't believe how fussy people can be about that.

>Skidding his Garland to a halt, he looked it over. Yeah, it was a 
>Camaro, all right.

Ranma X: Brilliant sense of deduction, Sherlock Zoner.
Vidstudent [Zoner]: Says 'Camaro' on it, and everyting.

>The question was whether or not it was the Camaro he thought it was.

Jonatan [Obi-wan]: These are not the god-boys you're looking for.

> Come on, he thought, how many of them can there be in town? 

Tango [singing]: DOWN! TOWN!
All [singing]: Where all the lights are low!

> He turned around and drove back past it, looking at the license plate.
>Yep.

Vidstudent [Zoner]: That's a license plate, all right.

>2065 D. It was Gryphon's. What was it doing in front of a bar?

NeoVid: Sitting there, depreciating.
Ranma X: Maybe it wanted to get a Sapporo?

>Zoner parked and entered.

NeoVid: --the hooker he hired when-- (Gets smacked by Ranma X.)

>He found his friend in a corner booth, hunched over a large
>mug full of an unidentified beer, looking worn and wearing
>mirrorshades. 

MMK: Look kids, it's BILLY IDOL!
Ranma X: Meanwhile, Gryphon was seated at another corner booth, 
slowly replacing his bodily fluids with alcohol through osmosis... 

> Noting Zoner's approach, Gryphon looked up.

Jonatan [drunken Gryphon]: Oooh... yo' face... yo' face of melting 
gold...

>"Oi," Gryphon called, and looked in his general direction.

S.D: Then he said, "Naff."

>God, he's wasted, 

Jonatan: Yeah, God's wasted pretty much most of the time. You'd be, 
too, if you had to handle four mortgages on Heaven and Hell to pay 
for reconciliatory gifts to your wife.
Rebecca: Well, if he could just keep his hands off the jewish virgins, 
he wouldn't be in that mess in the first place.

>Zoner thought to himself, sliding into the
>other side of the booth. "Gryphon, what the hell are you doing?"

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Sitting here, depreciating.
Tango [Gryphon]: Breaking the Guiness record for most crack smoked in 
an hour, duh.

>"Drinking," Gryphon replied, and slugged back some of the
>beer. 

Jonatan [Zoner]: Ah. Well, good luck, then.

>"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?"

Ranma X [Zoner]: Well it looks like you're about to do that 'Sunglasses 
at night' song by Mr. Mister.
MMK [correcting automatically]: Corey Hart.
Ranma X: Whatever.
S.D: Half-crazed psychedelic fucking?
Vidstudent: No. Just, no.

> Zoner noticed the
>bandage on his right wrist, wondered briefly if Gryphon had tried to
>cut his wrist or some such,

Ranma X: --Vowed to encourage him to try it again--

>decided against it; not only was attempted
>suicide unlike him (but then, so was drinking), but he was smart
>enough that the bandage would have run along his arm, not across it.

NeoVid: Unless it was a sad, desperate cry for help; echoing out, undeeded, into 
the desolate void that is the world.
Tango: Or if he used a cheesegrater.
NeoVid: That, too.
Tango: 'Cause them things are difficult, sometimes.

>So what the hell was it for?

S.D.: He just digs Hiei.

>"That's not what I meant," Zoner replied. "Why are you
>drinking? You never drink, not even on holidays!

NeoVid [Zoner]: You said yourself you wanted to become two dried flakes 
of skin! Even put up a site for it!

>Not even wine with dinner!

Vidstudent: Whine with dinner, on the other hand...

> And here you are in some sleazy bar getting pissed!"

MMK [Gryphon]: ...that reminds me... do you have an extra pair of pants?

>Gryphon fixed Zoner 

S.D.: His wires were on the fritz again.
Ranma X: Some high-velocity lead should fix him well enough...

>with a wobbling scornful glare. "Are you

Tango [Gozer]: --a god?

>gonna preach t'me against the evils of recreational chemistry, Captain
>Trips?"

NeoVid: Mark Meadows doesn't deserve to be dragged into this.

>"No," Zoner replied, 

MMK [Zoner]: I'm going to do the macarena, standing on my head, dressed 
as Dust Devil, and preaching NRA policies in portugese as a bid to 
increase funding to the MegaTokyo orphanages!

>"but it's just so unlike you."
>
>"Maybe you just never knew me then," Gryphon replied, 

MMK [Edge]: Oh, you think you know me? You THINK you KNOW me?

>and drained the mug. "Maybe this is just the next in a series of falls
>off the wagon."

NeoVid: So Ben WAS dropped after all.
Rebecca: Ask me if I'm surprised.

>"I don't buy that. This is probably the first time you've
>ever been drunk, isn't it?"
>
>"No," 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I've run into vampires before.
MMK [Gryphon]: There was that one time that I got drunk with Cammy 
and then DIDN'T GET SOME! (sobs)

>Gryphon replied. "The first time was at a wedding

Jonatan: It was the only way to get him to the altar.

>reception when I was seven. 
>They had lemon champagne

NeoVid [Gryphon]: This is the closest you're ever going to get to 
a lemon scene, loser.
MMK [Zoner]: Hey! You think all that crack is going to help you 
pick up women?
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Yes.

>, and I thought
>it was just soda, so I kept cruising around snagging more of it. I
>got totally blasted and projectile puked in the church garden. Lucky
>I'm not a religious type."

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Seeing as how I'm pretty much a god already...

> The Buma waiter brought another beer; Gryphon thanked it and took a drink.

Tango: See, Gryph could never be a serious drug addict. He's too straight.
MMK [mock horror]: But he's DRINKING in a BAR.
Tango: He's drinking Miller Light. And getting plastered off it.

>"But why?"
>
>"I have my reasons." 

S.D.: They wouldn't make sense to a sane person, but this is Gryphon.

>He set the mug down, and Zoner noticed another set of bandages, 
>covering most of his left forearm, all the way to the bottom 
>knuckles on his left hand. 

Jonatan: Maybe he's practicing the Furai no Kuwami?
Ranma X: Or the Bakusai Tenketsu. 
MMK: He's upset because his Mummy Commando costume keeps falling
apart.

>What the fuck? "You wouldn't understand."
>
>"Try me. Dammit, Gryphon, talk to me! I can't help you if
>you don't talk to me."

Jonatan: Oh, get off it. He's drowning his anguish in a pool of beer 
and self-loathing and being a man as it should be, and you're spoiling 
it all by being emotional and wanting to "talk".
Ranma X: You know, I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not.
Jonatan: Good.

>Gryphon fixed Zoner with another glare, this one level, sharp,
>and deadly. 

S.D.: Ben Hutchins *is* Scott Summers!

> "Did it ever occur to you," 

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: That there isn't a single word that rhymes with 
'orange'?
MMK [Zoner]: OK, I'll try rhyming 'silver' instead.

>he asked acidly, "that I
>might not want your help?" He took another drink. "Get lost."

Tango: All right! Any second now he's gonna seperate into Clark Kent and Evil 
Superman and they're gonna fight and General Zod and his hottie sidekick are 
gonna show up and *yeah*!
NeoVid: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

>"Gryphon--"
>
>Gryphon came to his feet and slammed his right hand down on
>the table; his left was rising, a clenched fist. 

(MMK lowers his right hand and raises his left fist in front of 
himself.)
MMK [Ralf]: Ikuze, Clarku!

> There was a metallic scraping sound, 

Jonatan: The killer shrews were breaking through the wall.
(MMK takes out a snow scraper.)
MMK [Ralf]: CROSS SCRATCHU!

>and three long, wicked blades ripped through the
>bandages on the back of his left hand to extend right out of the hand.

NeoVid: *Snikt!*
Jonatan: I prefer a cheery "ta-daah!", myself.
NeoVid: Now, could you give me a second to fall down laughing at how dumb this
is?
Jonatan: I'd accompany you, but it wouldn't make me feel better.

>MegaZone's eyes widened. Cyberspurs!

Tango: Aiee!

>"Gryphon, no! What the hell were you thinking? 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: I was just thinking that the Guyver was so cool... and 
damnit! I wanted blades coming out of my arms, too!

> Were you drunk then too?"

S.D: All cybernetics should be installed while the subject is drunk. It's like a 
charter, or something.
Jonatan: Saves on anaesthetics.

>"No," Gryphon replied with a small, tight, humorless smile.
>"I was perfectly sober then. 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Couldn't *stand* it.

>Now get out of here, or I'll show you how fast my new 
>reflex boost is."
>
>"Christ! A reflex booster too?"

Jonatan [Jesus]: Please don't. No matter how people say my name, it always 
sounds like swearing.
Rebecca [Metallic female voice]: Upgrade complete.

>"Yeah. And two sets of interface plugs, a cybermodem link, a
>vehicle link, a smartgun link, 

MMK [Zoner]: Something smart? Linked with YOU!?

>a nanotech 

Tango [Gryphon]: --love--

>muscle and bone lace and a skin armor weave. 

Ranma X.: Great, even when drunk, he can go off on tirades about how cool 
his techie stuff is.

>Not to mention the subdermal cellular antenna and
>the cellular cybermodem that's sitting under my collarbone,

Tango [Gryphon]: I have unlimited night and weekend minutes!

>the circulatory microfilters--which are right this very moment, thanks to
>you, wasting all that good beer so I can be sober if I have to take
>you down--

Tango [Gryphon]: Even if I have to camp at your respawn point.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: I've even gotten my circulatory system removed! ...Though
it's left me feeling cold and heartless.

>and a set of Kiroshi 2XL's with scopes and flare
>compensators. 

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Oh, yeah. And some cup holders.

>Is that good enough, or you wanna see the warranty
>invoice?"

Rebecca [Zoner]: Yeah, I wanna see when the warranty expires.

>"Fuck!" Zoner said. That was a sizable chunk of cyberware.

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Sure. Want to see my *other* enhancements?

>Yeah, he was MegaZone, not a man opposed to

S.D.: --free love?

>cybernetic enhancement--bullshit, a Chrome Foundation poster child--

Rebecca: I've seen that poster...
Jonatan: What's it look like?
Rebecca: I've already burned the thing and repressed the memory.

>but Gryphon had always been so dead-set against modifying himself. 

Tango [Zoner]: Ha ha! I've won!

>For him to have done it now...
>
>"Why?"

MMK [Gryphon]: Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

>"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Gryphon growled. 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: Two plus two is four! Two plus two is FOUR!

>His right hand reached up and pulled the mirrorshades off. 

Vidstudent: Pinkeye!
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Well, what? Did you expect me to show up at the bar 
with a live pig growing out of my eye or something?

>Underneath, his new eyes, fiendishly complex devices made of 

S.D.: Shiny buttons.
Tango: Scrap gundam parts.
Jonatan: People! Ben's eyes are made from people!

>crystal, with glittering
>devil-blue irises imprinted tinily with the katakana for the Kiroshi
>Optical Division, 

NeoVid: You know, the accident rate would drop pretty much if logotypes 
were placed, I dunno, not in your direct field of vision...
Jonatan: Real men don't undergo surgery to get cybereyes in, they smash
a Sony Handycam through the temple.

>narrowed angrily. "I don't want to tell you.

MMK [Zoner]: Good, because I don't want to listen to you.

> Now piss off, so maybe I can salvage something of what I've already
>drunk."

Tango: Most people do that anyway. They usually just have to stop at 
the bathroom first.

>They stood like that, tense, staring at each other, for a
>moment, and then Zoner backed off. 

Ranma X: OooEEEoooEEEooo...
MMK [Zoner]: Well, I'm not the kind who would argue with Ben, so it
looks like I'm gonna start all over again...
NeoVid: *Ding*

> If Gryphon wanted to be like that,

Vidstudent: An insufferable godboy?

>fine. Zoner sure as hell wasn't going to take him down here in the
>bar. 

NeoVid: That's what the bedroom is for.

>He'd watch, and later on, when Gryphon tried to go home, he'd be
>waiting.

S.D: In the alley, with a 2x4.
Tango: Or an Adamantium Paddle (TM). 

>"Fine, then," he said, backing away. "Guess I'll catch you
>later."

MMK [Zoner]: In the meantime, I'll be training my Pokemon for our
inevitable battle.

>"Maybe," Gryphon replied. "Maybe not." He sat down and
>knocked back most of the beer that waited on the table, retracting his
>spurs.

NeoVid: *Snikt*.
Vidstudent: Zip it, fanboy.

>Zoner turned around and left the bar, then took the 

Jonatan: --key to Ben's car's paintjob.

>Garland about a block down the street and dug in for a long stakeout. 

MMK: It ended many days later, after he had woo'd the female lead, in a 
shootout down in the sawmill.

>The place closed at 2, and assuming he didn't tear the place apart in
>protest, that was when Gryphon would be leaving. Five hours wasn't
>that long to wait. 

NeoVid: He can still catch a double-feature in the meantime.

>He hoped it didn't start raining.

Rebecca: Because he had just gotten a paintjob and the finish would run.

>Gryphon felt another presence at the table 

S.D.: But it had to kick him in the head before he would pay attention to it.

>and looked up,
>preparing to drive Zoner off again, but the person sitting down
>opposite him wasn't MegaZone. In fact, it took him a couple of
>minutes to recognize the man's appearance.

Jonatan: The reflex boosters did nothing to help Gryphon's social cluelessness. 
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Hey, I recognize that guy. He's the only guy I know who's got
a pixelated face.

> He had sandy brown hair and a hawk nose, and wore round spectacles; 
>he was dressed mostly in

Jonatan: ...drag.

>black gabardine. Gryphon knew him. His name was Edison Bell.

Tango: And he held all the worldwide patents on telephone technology.
Ranma X: Edison Bell: Makers of lightbulbs, phonographs, and tacos everywhere.

>"What the hell do you want, Bell?" he growled.

S.D. [Bell]: World peace.
Rebecca [Gryphon]: What are you? Running for Miss Universe?
S.D. [Bell]: Ooh... That, too.
Rebecca [Gryphon]: That would explain the drag.

>"I understand you're having a bad time of it," Bell replied.
>"I thought I might come by and offer you my assistance."

Tango [Gryphon]: Great. Here's a sword; chop my head off before I can show 
any pain.

>"Like I told Zoner, I don't want help."

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I hurt. I need sexual healing.

>"I don't care if you want it or not," Edison replied, "you
>need it."

Rebecca: Yeah, that's what the guy *always* says in his defense.

>"Fuck off."
>
>"Can't do that."

NeoVid [Edison]: Lorena stole it.

>"What're you, my guardian angel?"

Jonatan: You know, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm currently in no mood 
whatsoever for cutesy shojou anime, I'd love to see Risky the Shinigami show 
up and convince Ben to slash his throat.

>"Something like that. I feel responsible--it's my fault
>you're in this situation in the first place. The least I can do is
>try to make it better for you.

Ranma X: Yes, end his suffering. With hollowpoints, please.

>Now tell me. 

NeoVid [Edison]: Who put the Bomp in? *Who*?

>Why are you in this hole in the wall bar getting stinking drunk, and 

S.D. [Edison]: Where did your pants go?

>why did you all of a sudden go and get several hundred thousand yen 
>worth of cyberware?"

Jonatan: Because he's a cyberpunk munchkin?

>"'Cause I'm a complete fuckhead," Gryphon replied, and drank
>some more beer.

Vidstudent: Amen to that.
Rebecca: We've been waiting for you to finally realize, Ben.
S.D.: You said it, not us.

>"Care to elaborate on that?"

All: No!
Jonatan: There's only so much self-deprecating self-love we can take.

>"I made all these plans," Gryphon said, "about what I was
>going to do with myself. Applied to graduate school 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --as a type of water sealant.
Ranma X: I don't get that joke, but I have a feeling I should hurt you.

>at the Bavarian Institute of Technology, right? I was gonna go off for 
>a few months and pick up a biocyb doctorate,

Ranma X: Doogie Gryphon, M.D.

> hang out with Mackie,

Tango: Who is returning.

> buy some chocolate, pop over to Geneva and have a few watches, right? 
>I had all'a this planned out, right, and it was all set up and it was all
>gonna work out. 'Cept I forgot one very important thing."

NeoVid: Pants.

>"Which was?"

Tango [Gryphon]: I have no nipples, and yet I must scream.

>"I forgot to ask Linna. 

Rebecca [Gryphon]: So now I'll be sleeping on the couch for all 
eternity.

>Forgot completely about her. I mean, she was right there, right, 
>and I saw her every day, just about, and I didn't even think 

Vidstudent: Which was a huge surprise, really.

>to ask her if it was ok, if she wanted to go with
>me, if she wanted me to stay here, nothing. 

NeoVid: Jeez, it's almost as if he regards her as simply a disposable extension 
of his own fragile, bloated ego or something.

>What kind of idiot'm I anyways?" 

Jonatan: (browsing through 'the I-Spy Book of Idiots') Hmm... no... no... hey, 
he's got a whole category for himself.

>He sucked down the rest of the beer and banged the mug
>down. The Buma, whose nametag read "Bruno", brought him another.
>
>"Thanks, Bruno," Gryphon said. "You're a real pal."
>
>"No, sir," the Buma replied. "I'm an artificial pal."
>
>"That's what I like in a Buma, a sense of humor."

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Wanna come up to my room later, big guy?
MMK [Bruno]: No.

>"It's taken me six years to get it," Bruno replied. "I'm damn
>well gonna enjoy it." He moved away.

Ranma X [Bruno]: And with that, I leave the story. (sigh) This gig sucks.

>"That," Gryphon said, pointing at the Buma bartender's
>retreating back, "is a damn fine individual. And you know, I have
>friends who would just as soon blow him away as talk to him."

Jonatan: Yeah, that sucks. And you know, I know this one guy who used a 
damn fine individual like that in a single scene for no other reason 
than to look humble and non-judgmental.

>"Prejudice is a sad thing," Edison agreed. "My people went
>through the same thing when Ralken invented the positronic brain.

Vidstudent: *coughcough*BULLSHIT!*coughcough*

>Listen, what's so bad about what you did? So you screwed up. It's
>not too late to ask her

Tango [Edison]: --to assist your suicide.

>now--"
>
>"That's not the fuckin' point," Gryphon replied angrily. "The
>point is, I forgot when I should have remembered. What kind of person
>does that make me? Christ.

Vidstudent: ...no, it doesn't.
Ranma X: This would be so easy if he realized he's too self-centered to be 
a 'real' person. 

>Some two-way relationship. Don't bother
>to mention little things like oh, by the way, I'm moving out of town
>for six months or so, is that ok? What communication! I suck." He
>took another drink.

Jonatan: Gryphon is playing the Pompous Self-Loathing drinking game.
S.D.: For every "I suck", take one sip.

>"I think you're making too much of a small mistake,"

Vidstudent [Edison]: Yourself.

> Edison said. "Look, you're human, you fucked up. It's no big deal."
>
>"I shouldn't've fucked up, though!" 

S.D [Gryphon]: I mean, I'm Godboy!

>Gryphon replied. "It was
>an important thing, and it was so simple I missed it! Yo, Bruno! Do
>me a favor, willya, and get this guy a

NeoVid [Gryphon]: --blunt object to use on me?

>beer? I'm buying."
>
>"Gryphon, you're blowing

NeoVid: Duh.

>this all out of perspective."
>
>"Who asked you?"

MMK [Edison]: The green gnome in the bathroom closet.

>"You did, at least indirectly. It's obvious you want someone
>to help you here."
>
>"I'm sitting in a little bar in the corner of no-place getting
>knee-walking drunk, and you think it's some kind of cry for help?"

Ranma X: (looks around) Folks?
Jonatan: Contrary to common belief, attempted suicide is not a cry for 
help. It's a cry for death.
Ranma X: How cheerful.
Jonatan: I ran a suicide hotline a while back.
Ranma X: I don't want to know.
Jonatan: The statistics almost doubled.
Ranma X: Leave me alone!
NeoVid: Geez, he's touchy today.
Jonatan: Yeah, what's his problem?

>"That, and implanting half of an '84 Oldsmobile under your
>skin."

Tango [Edison]: Why the hell do you need a tape-deck in your thigh? The 
factory speakers are crap!

>"This from a guy who rewrote his own DNA because he didn't
>like his

(MMK starts to open his mouth.)

>nose."

(MMK snaps his fingers.)
Vidstudent: I should have gotten my gun ready, right?
(MMK nods and ^_^s.)

>"I missed my old one!" Edison protested defensively.

Tango: Then take more time aiming!

>Bruno brought him a beer. "Thanks. Listen, that's not the point. The
>point is--"

Tango: --hidden under his hat.

>"The point is, I didn't even think of Linna, only myself! And

MMK [Gryphon]: --as such, I'm going to write a fifteen kilobyte scene 
about myself and nothing at all about her!

>I prided myself on paying so much attention to the relationship. I
>totally screwed up, and now I'm making myself pay for it."

S.D.: I'm sure Linna would rather take Visa or Mastercard.
Rebecca: Or a pound of flesh.
S.D.: That, too.

>"By screwing up even more."
>
>"I don't remember asking for your opinion. In fact, I
>distinctly remember 

Tango [Gryphon]: --painting myself green and dancing on the Berlin wall.

>telling you to keep it to yourself a number of times."

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I mean, how gross can you get?!

>"Look," Edison said, trying a new tack, "why don't you go
>home, get some sleep, sober up, and I'll come by tomorrow and pry all
>that chrome out of you? 

MMK: --with a crowbar.
Rebecca: I got the toothbrush! (Waves around an old, chewed on 
toothbrush)
Tango: I got the oven cleaner! (Waves arounf a rusted spraycan of oven 
cleaner)

>I'm a surgeon, a good one. 

Vidstudent [Edison]: See? Here's my correspondence school doctorate!
S.D. [Gryphon]: You too?

>I've got microhealers that can have you out on the Street in two 
hours, 
>not a mark on you."
>
>"What am I supposed to do, regrow my goddamn eyes?"

MMK: Well, yeah.
Tango: It's easy once you get the hang of it.
MMK: Just like lizards.

>Edison took a jar out of his coat and set it on the table. 

Jonatan [Edison]: I present to you, Hitler's brain.

>In it, floating in a clear solution of biopreservative and
>nanomaintenance machines,

Ranma X: Read, "formaldehyde".

> were his old eyes.

Tango: Let's poke them with sticks!

>Gryphon shook his head in amazement. "You could pull an MX
>missile out of your ass if you needed to, couldn't you?"

MMK [Edison]: No, it's too comfy.

>"Possibly," Edison replied. "Probably my sleeve, though.

MMK: I hear that!

>You're just not made for cyberware, Gryphon. It'll eat at you 

Jonatan: Well, only if you're fraternizing with alien satellites of 
questionable intent.

>until you go right off the brink. MegaZone, shit, I hate to say this, 
>but MegaZone can handle it, probably because he's such an asshole 
>anyway.  You're not like that."

Jonatan [Edison]: You're a *different* kind of asshole.
Rebecca: He said it, not us.

>"He's not that bad," Gryphon defended, knocking back more
>beer. "He was right about Guinness, that's for sure."

S.D. [Gryphon]: They are the place to go if you want to find out about 
world records.

>"That's immaterial, dammit,"

Jonatan: Guinness is anything but immaterial. I've got pals that 
practically 
live off the stuff.

>Edison replied. "Look, go home. Get dried out. Tomorrow, I'll come by 
and 

Rebecca [Edison]: --finish you off.
(MMK, NeoVid, and S.D. start to open their mouths.)
Vidstudent [grimly]: *No*.
MMK, NeoVid, S.D.: Awww...

>scrape your humanity back
>out of your head,

Rebecca: And with an Empathy stat as low as his, he must have been really 
reaching for those points.

> and give you back your money. All right?"

>"It doesn't change a damn thing," Gryphon replied. "I still
>suck."

Rebecca: True, true... but we can hope, couldn't we?

>"We'll work on that too. Ok?"

S.D.[Edison]: Your technique really does need work. 
Ranma X: That whole last bit of conversation feels... wrong somehow.

> He held out his hand. "Come on. Deal?"
>
>Gryphon glared at him for a few seconds, then clasped his
>hand. "All right, dammit, deal. Now will you leave me alone?"
>
>"No," Edison replied.

Vidstudent: Then Gryphon shot him for it.

>"Not until you go home and go to sleep.
>That was part of the deal."
>
>"I don't want to," Gryphon replied. "The sooner I do that,
>the sooner I get to suffer."

Vidstudent: No, that only happens once I've tracked you down.

>"Take this," said Edison, and pressed a white capsule into his
>hand, 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: But I like the green ones! They're groovy!

>"and go home. I'll be there in the morning and we can get
>started. You'll be back to normal by suppertime, and while you
>recover, we can deal with your other little problem, ok?"

NeoVid: Cool, it's a Reset Pill!
Ranma X [old lady]: How conveeenient.
Tango: They've got a pill for that problem?

>Gryphon blinked at the capsule in his hand, then swallowed it.

Ranma X: His limp body hit the floor three minutes later, as the 
cyanide quickly took effect.

>He got up, went to the bar, and handed Bruno his credstick. His head
>was already clearing.
> Bruno informed him that Edison had already
>covered the bar tab; Gryphon turned to thank him, but he was already
>gone.

Jonatan: Who was that masked godboy?

>By the time he got outside into the cool night air, Gryphon
>was completely sober,

Tango: Oh, the pathos, thinking he can just avoid the consequences of 
his actions like that.
Jonatan: Oh, that? I do it all the time.
(The theater doors fly open and a brunette with a machine gun rush in 
and fire at Jonatan. He rolls out of the seat just before it's reduced 
to shreds. The girl curses and flees.)
Jonatan: See? It gets rather tedious at times, though. 
(Jonatan takes a new seat; it explodes, covering him in cheese. Jonatan
coughs.)
MMK: She bought me off. (He ^_^s.)

> which was why he noticed Zoner coming out of the
>shadows at him. 

S.D.: ...his 2X4 with a nail on it at the ready.

>He whirled--the world was suddenly moving way too
>fast, and he helped himself to some pavement.

NeoVid: That's one weird diet.
MMK [Zoner]: Hey, I didn't even need to do anything. That was
pretty neat.

>"Fuck it," he observed, getting back to his feet. "Edison was
>right. 

Tango [Gryphon]: AC power is shit. From now on, all my appliances will 
run on DC!

>I can't chip this shit. It's like trying to do the fucking
>Twenty Minute Workout on fast-forward."

Jonatan: Hey, when you can't spare twenty minutes...

>Zoner seemed surprised, and stopped advancing. "Edison? You
>saw him?" He noticed something else. "Hey, you're sober."

Tango: And what's that weird thing eating your head?
Rebecca: Aaagh! Hey, you're on fire.

>"You noticed," Gryphon said, opening the door to his car.
>
>"Shit on a stick. 

NeoVid: For when you absolutely, positively need to have shit to go!

>How the fuck did I ever make it here?

MMK [Gryphon]: This is not my beautiful house!

>I can't drive like this!"

NeoVid [Gryphon]: I'll have to lose a lot of weight first!

>He sat down and turned on the Camaro, listening to
>the turbine throb, and decided that he didn't want to jack in. "Gah."
>
>"What did Edison say?"

Jonatan [Gryphon]: He just stared at me all night, muttering "I want to 
drink your blud, I want to drink your blud" over and over. It wasn't really 
like him.

>"Well, we had a few beers, next thing you know, there we are
>in Czechoslovakia..."

Rebecca [Gryphon]: We traveled by plothole.

>"Ok, fine. You probably don't even really remember. 

MMK [Zoner]: You don't recall. You've got no memory of anything 
at all.

>You want to talk to me now?" Zoner inquired, leaning on the open door.

MMK [Zoner]: Don't you ever change your mind? Now your future's so
defined. And you act so dense, so blind; come on, come talk to me.
Rebecca: Knock it off.
Jonatan: Knock what off? What's he doing?
Rebecca: I'll explain later.
MMK: I'll explain it!
Rebecca: No, you won't.

>"I'd love to, but I promised Edison I'd go straight 

S.D. [Gryphon]: So... I guess this means farewell... I'll always 
remember Lookout Point...

>home and get some sleep."
>
>"Listen, are you feeling all right?"

Vidstudent [Hamlet]: I am not well, Horatio.

>"Not really." Gryphon looked up at Zoner's face, touched 

S.D.: --in the head.

>by the genuine concern he saw there.

Tango: Actually, he was just amazed how far up Zoner's nostrils he 
could see.
NeoVid [Gryphon]: Dude, is that your brain?

>"Come by my house around noon tomorrow, ok, and we'll talk then. 
Edison 
>should be through taking me apart and gluing me back together by then. 

Vidstudent: Can he give you a smarmadectomy while he's at it?
Ranma X: I think Gryphon's case can only really be fixed by frontal 
lobotomy.
S.D: But he already has no personality.

>All right?"
>
>"All right," Zoner consented. "Take it easy, man. I'll see
>you tomorrow."
>
>"Tomorrow," 

All [singing]: --I love you, tomorrow! You're always a daaaay away!

>Gryphon replied. He shut the door and sat back,

Ranma X: And was never seen again.

>flipping the nav computer on. "Take me home," he ordered it, and the
>computer complied, determining the car's position from the orbital
>navsat network, figuring the most direct course to his home from
>there, calling up the library of traffic laws for the region
>(including individual streets), determined the hazard rating, and

Ranma X: ...asked itself, "Why the hell do I care about this godboy?" 
So it drove him off a cliff.

>approved the course. 

S.D.: Since when does anime have traffic laws, anyway?
Jonatan: How else are the lesbian Natsumi clones supposed to arrest you 
and punish you in the street?

>The blue-green Camaro pulled out, the bright red
>scanner light Gryphon had installed in the nose 

MMK: Rudolph makes an appearance.

>sweeping back and forth as the computer assessed the road conditions 
and 
>the like, and watched out for hazards and traffic lights. 

Tango: And watch out for that--
NeoVid: AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHH! (*WHUMP*)
Tango: Tree!

>Zoner thought the light was the silliest thing Gryphon had ever done, 
but

Rebecca: Then he remembered that Gryphon had just paid good money to 
try and turn himself into Wolverine.
Tango [Gryphon as Wolverine]: Hey, Jean, bub, want to piss off round 
the back, bub, and and do the wacky while your hubby's missing presumed 
dead, bub, bub?
Rebecca [sighs]: Well, it can't hurt. GRANT MORRISON ON! (Hits him with 
her metal arm, almost denting it)
Tango [Namer]: We have destroyed ourselves with the machines of our own 
creation!
Rebecca: Too weird.

> hey, it was his car.
>
>For now, he stood in the parking lot of Bruno's, confused.
>Then he shrugged and went home. 

Ranma X: Big night.

>If that was the way Gryphon wanted to play it, fine. The reappearance 
>of Edison all of a sudden disturbed him somewhat; 

Vidstudent [Zoner]: You shoot a guy, he falls off a cliff, he doesn't
come back! That's how it's supposed to *work*!

>he had a suspicion that it wasn't just a chance social
>call, and he didn't like the implications.

Rebecca: Could it be that Edison is the Magic Plot Fairy?
Tango: Could it be that he left his refridgerator running?

> Under no circumstances did
>he want to leave MegaTokyo. Not now. He had far too much time,
>effort, shit, maybe even humanity invested now to just up and leave.

Rebecca: Plus the fact that he hadn't bagged Sylia yet. 
NeoVid [Zoner]: I've got a roast in the oven, for Christ's sakes!
Jonatan: Little did Zoner know, the wheels of fate had begun the 
inexorable 
turning that would one day lead to his bitter divorce from Pittsburgh 
Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.

>THE NEXT DAY

Ranma X [Gryphon]: Fuck all this shit! Rio, here I come!

>Zoner pulled up in front of the office building Gryphon's
>apartment was on the top floor of and checked his watch.

NeoVid [Zoner]: Hey, my arm is gone. (Pause) Now how am I supposed to 
operate 
my digital watch?

>It was five minutes to noon. 

Tango [Zoner]: Time for pie.

>He disembarked from the Garland and made for the
>building's front door, but pulled up short when he

Vidstudent: --was attacked by savage bandits.

>saw the car that was parked right in front of the building.

Ranma X [Zoner]: Shit! The fuzz!
Rebecca [narrating]: Zoner spent the next half an hour hiding
in a dumpster.

>It was red and grey, a sleek American sports car which vaguely
>resembled the blue pursuit cars the ADPolice used. It had black pin
>stripes and a small bulge on the hood

Rebecca: Nice bulge.
MMK, Tango, NeoVid, Jonatan: Thanks.

>which said "TURBO" in small letters on either side, and the letters
>"ES" were printed on the rocker panels. 

MMK: Super Street Racer Turbo ES!

>He knew it like most people knew their children.

Ranma X: 'Eyrie, the Next Generation'?! NoOoOoO!!
S.D.: (rolls eyes in exasperation) Too late. 
Rebecca: Gryph, that is your child. And there's a Buick over there with 
a paterenity suite. 

>Stepping around to the back, he took a look and found exactly what he
>expected to find: 

NeoVid: Jimmy Hoffa encased in carbonite.

>a customized MegaTokyo license plate that said "MEGAZONE". 

Jonatan [Zoner]: Well, perfectly acceptable if I steal it, I guess.

>Curious, he went into the building and climbed the stairs
>up to Gryphon's apartment.
>
>The door was open, so he knocked and then let himself in.

Rebecca [Gryphon]: DON'T COME IN HERE!
Vidstudent [Zoner]: AIEE! MY EYES!

>Gryphon was on his bed, the covers pulled up to his neck, and had a
>wet cloth over his eyes. Edison was lounging in the brown leather
>chair, 

S.D.: And both were smoking cigarettes and looking oddly satisfied.

>which he had dragged over near the bed, toying idly with a
>couple of objects which Zoner momentarily identified as cybereyes.

Tango [Edison]: Hey, look! I can juggle! (*crash*) Oops...

>"Hey, don't throw those out," he advised. "He might need them
>sometime."

MMK [Zoner]: I'll be able to call him "four-eyes" for the rest of
his life.

>"Oh, hey, Zoner," Gryphon said. "Have a seat. I should be
>getting the ability to see back any time now."
>
>"I noticed my car out front," Zoner said, pulling
>Frankenstein's Desk Chair, Mark II, 

Tango: The chair promptly started wailing for a wife.

>over to the other side of the bed.
>"Thanks, Edison."

Tango: Yeah, and thanks for the light bulb too!

>"I thought you might be missing it by now. Sorry I didn't get
>to you sooner," replied Edison, tossing the keys over the bed.
>
>"All right, Edison, spill it. What's the bad news?"

NeoVid [Edison]: I'm pregnant.

>"Bad news?"

NeoVid [Edison]: And so are you.

>"Your showing up here is making me very nervous," Zoner
>explained. "Like maybe it's the lead-in to another move. I don't
>want to leave MegaTokyo, Edison. Not now, hell, maybe not ever!"

Rebecca [Edison]: I've got shiny robots and animated babes.
Tango [Zoner]: Hot damn! When do we go?

>"Don't sweat it," Edison replied. "I'm not here for anything
>of the sort. I just wanted to bring back your car, and a friend of
>mine told me Gryphon here was in need of my assistance."
>
>"A friend of yours?"

MMK [singing]: I'll never call you a friend of mine! I will not!
I will not!

>"I know people all over the multiverse," said Edison with a
>grin. "Most of them don't know what I really am, 

Jonatan: And they're better off that way.

>but that's okay. 

NeoVid: [shouting at control booth] Signus, it's all your fault! 
Signus [over intercom]: I don't know these people! 

>So, no, you're not going anywhere, that I know of. I'm still working
>on explaining the phenomenon that brought you here in the first place,
>but without much success. 

Rebecca [Edison]: Some people call it the "Sledgehammer of Plot". I 
don't 
know why.

>If you want a piece of free advice, though,

Jonatan [Edison]: Talk to everyone.
NeoVid [Zoner]: Duh, I knew that already.

>if you ever go to the Worcester part of the East Coast Sprawl, stay
>well away from Bancroft Tower. 

Ranma X [Edison]: That's the *bad* part of town.

>It's involved somehow, I just haven't
>figured out the particulars yet. The place is smoking,

MMK [Edison]: Because it has lots of fireplaces.

>it's so hot with dimensional activity. Some kind of a gateway, like 
>Stonehenge.

Ranma X.: Oh yeah. A random ugly structure in the middle of nowhere, 
Massachsetts... (begins twitching violently) MUST KILL! MUST DESTROY 
ALL! I- (he is smashed violently by Jonatan, S.D., and NeoVid)
NeoVid: See, this is why I never think about the fics.
Jonatan: Well, I can understand him.

>Oh yeah, that's another place to avoid, while you're at it. And the
>St. Louis Arch, and the Great Pyramids, too."

Rebecca [Thumbs Rifts rulebook]: Check, check cheach and... cheack. 
And look at this, there's a Whiny Godboy RCC to boot.

>"Thanks for the tip," Gryphon said. "I'll keep it in mind
>when I plan my world tour."

MMK: With Ahad and my man; New York, L.A-
Vidstudent: Knight? *World* tour.
MMK: Oop. My bad.

>"How much of the chrome did you pry out?" Zoner asked,
>curious. "All of it?"
>
>"Almost," Edison replied. 

S.D. [Edison]: He wouldn't let me touch his enhancements down--
Rebecca [Gryphon]: You touch my modified family jewels and you die!
S.D. [Edison]: See?

>"I pulled the really hard-hitting
>stuff out--the reflex booster, the wolvers, the antenna net and the
>cybermodem, 

Tango [Gryphon]: Yeah. The service agreement was a killer.
Rebecca [Edison]: The fax, the arificial appendix, the Stoolometer,
the anti-slip feet, the green mist sprayer, the automatic Pepsi 
dispenser, the anti-lobster avionics and the Frost Free Fridge. (*Ding*)

>and the eyes, of course. 

NeoVid: Of course.

>The nanotech stuff is hard to undo, and besides, it's easy to 
>deal with. Shit, it's not even artificial, really."

Rebecca: Just keep on making the excuses, bucko.

>"What about the neuroprocessor and the plugs?"
>
>"No, I decided to leave those," Gryphon said. "In my
>experimenting last night,

Jonatan [Gryphon]: With spot-glue and rubber tubing...

>I discovered a couple of things. One is
>that 

Jonatan [Gryphon]: ...if I scratch behind my ear, my
leg jerks.

>trying to run the 'Net by jacking in makes me extremely sick and
>doesn't accomplish a damn thing. 

Rebecca: And of *course* he has to run the internet.

>There's a DataTerm somewhere on the East Side that's extremely 
>unpleasant to use right about now. I should've expected as much;

MMK [Gryphon]: I be West Side all the *way*, dog.

>I'm a gweep, not a netrunner. Another is
>that I don't like jackdriving my car--it's too damn much like walking.

S.D. [Gryphon]: I have to pedal so hard to keep up with the other 
cars...

>I want to try rigging my armor, though. 

NeoVid: Ick!

>With the plugs, the old rigtrodes lagtime should be gone, and I 
>think it'll work a hell of a lot better."
>
>"So you haven't gone off the Edge, but you have decided to
>join the twenty-first century." Zoner grinned. 

Tango [Zoner]: Digital boy.

>"Welcome to the big wide world, nature boy."

Tango, MMK: WHOOOOOOOO!

>"Bite me," Gryphon replied with a grin. 

S.D.: I bet he says that to all the men.
Ranma X: Again, I'm somehow disturbed.
Jonatan: You've been disturbed ever since I met you the first time.
NeoVid: He's been disturbed ever since he met me the first time.
S.D.: You know, that answers so much.

>He reached up with his right arm--Zoner noted the set of plugs 
>that glittered there--and took off the compress; the red surgery 
>lines around his eyes had almost disappeared, 

MMK: Along with half his face.

>and his old blue eyes were back where they belonged. He blinked 
>a couple of times, then grimaced, putting his arm over them. 
>"Yow! It's way too loud in here--hey, you fixed my
>vision! Thanks!" He frowned. "I look ridiculous without my glasses
>though...

(Everyone simply shakes their heads)

>guess I'll have to wear my shades more often."
>
>"Can I ask you a personal question, Edison?" Zoner broke in.
>
>"Sure, go ahead."

NeoVid [Zoner]: You're, like, *totally* gay, right? 
Ranma X [Edison]: I beg your pardon.
NeoVid [Zoner]: Ben and I have a bet going on.
Ranma X [Edison]:  Am not!
Jonatan [Gryphon as Francis]:  Gaaaaaay...

>"Did we," he gestured to Ben and himself, "create you?"

Rebecca: I bet he says that to all the single young demi-gods.

>"I thought I'd made that clear. No, not really. Just the
>universe."

Ranma X: So they created the universe.
NeoVid: Why, *of course*! *Duh*!

>"Ah... yeah, that sure answered my question. I'll learn not
>to ask such things."
>
>"You'll get used to it," Edison said. "Well, gentlemen, I
>guess I'll be going. 

MMK [Pokey]: It's going to seem like I'm running away now.

>I want to get right back to work on the reason you got blipped here 
>in the first place. 

Jonatan [Edison]: Once I can control it, I'm going to blip both you 
fuckers into the Stone Age.

>Don't worry--if you stay away from the nexus points, I think you 
>should be pretty stable right here, and if you do get displaced again,
>I'll put it right. Worry not--I know how much you guys have invested 
>in this place by now." He stood up. "Oi, Gryphon, try and keep it 
>together, eh?"

Rebecca: This guy's changed accents three times in the last paragraph.

>"No problem, Edison," Gryphon replied. "Thanks again."
>
>"Later, Edison," Zoner added. "Thanks again for bringing my
>car back."

Tango: He'd left it parked in Cabramatta. It wasn't the same car any more.

>"It's not good to separate a man from his children for long," 
>replied Edison with a grin. 

Ranma X [Edison]: Kinda like *my* dad... asshole.

>"Later, guys." He departed.
>
>"So," Zoner said, leaning back in the chair, "would you mind
>telling me what that was all about, now?"

MMK [Anya]: I've got a theory, it might be bunnies.
Tango [Tara]: I've got a theo--
(MMK interrupts and starts totally rocking out, 80's power ballad 
style.)
MMK [Anya]: Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses
And what's with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anywaaaaaaaaay?
Bunnies! Bunnies! It might be BUNNIES!!!
(Others "..."'s at MMK.) 
MMK [Anya]: ...Or it might be midgets... 
(Cue falling elephant.)

>Gryphon did.
>
>"I agree with Edison. You overreacted in a big way."

Rebecca [Edison]: Overreacted? I'll kill you!

>"Yeah, well...there's probably some deep, Freudian reason for
>it, but fuck him.

S.D. [Zoner]: Oh, *that's* the reason.

> He was a sicko anyway. Wanted to sleep with his mother. Yugh."

NeoVid: Yeah, but she was hot!

>Gryphon feigned the willies.

S.D. [Groundskeeper Willy]: Acht! Dat's a lousy impression!

>"Anyway, I have to get back to the lab. There's software to be 
written!"

MMK [Gryphon]: Prepare yourself, I'm gonna make... EXTREME TIDDLYWINKS!

>"What about your...problem?"

Tango [Gryphon]: We agreed not to discuss it.
Rebecca [Zoner]: Does Priss know?
Tango [Grypon, looking down]: Undoubtedly.

>"No problem. 

Vidstudent [Gryphon]: I don't have a problem! I can quit whenever I 
want to.

>We're doing the Ping's thing tonight...

Jonatan: What, get sent off to school to learn about human relations, 
and toss a gun-toting manhunter out the window?

>I'll ask her about it then, and if there's some problem, I'll 

NeoVid [Gryphon]: Eat a bagel and take a nap.

>transfer my application to UTokyo. Their biocyb project isn't bad 
either.
>Personally, now that I've talked with Edison about it, I don't think
>there's going to be a problem." He got up, put on some jeans, an
>Appleseed T-shirt, and a rumpled, rather tatty ex-dress shirt, and
>hopped over to the police box struggling with one of his red Chucks.

MMK: No one will be seated during the thrilling Gryphon Puts On His 
Clothes scene!

>"Coming?"
>
>"Yeah, sure. What're you doing, anyway?"

Rebecca [Gryphon]: Uh, going.

>"I'm gonna see if I can save myself some effort and write an
>interpreter for my armor's THVR, see if I can't combine the THVR
>output and the rigtrode input into a set of jack impulses both ways
>rather than write a whole set of jack drivers from scratch.

Tango: So Gryphon's inner jackass is powering his toys now?

>Ought to be interesting. I should probably do it in Inter-C...wonder 
>if Nene's off work?" They headed for the door; just before it closed, 
>Gryphon went on, "Y'know, Zoner, I think Linna's going to like 
Munich..."
>
>"Overconfident," replied Zoner.

MMK [Geese]: PREDICTABLE!
Rebecca: Like a hamster.
NeoVid [heavy foreign accent]: Hamsters have these sharp teeth... like 
an INCISOR!
(All look at NeoVid.)
NeoVid: I don't know what the hell that meant.
Vidstudent: Hey, fanfic's done. Let's get out of here!
(Long pause. All look at door expectantly.)
NeoVid: Door's not opening.
Rebecca: (rolls eyes) Thank you, Captain Obvious.
NeoVid: I'm not Captain Obvious, I'm Doctor Pedantic!
Rebecca: Please don't explain that.
S.D.: Hellooo! Signus? Mark? 
(Static burst from intercom.)
Signus [over intercom]: Glad you liked the show, folks. A few questions 
if I may?
Jonatan: No.
Ranma X: Nope.
Vidstudent: No.
Rebecca: Absolutely not.
NeoVid: No chance.
S.D.: Nyet.
MMK: Are you my mother? (He ^_^s)
Tango: B33r!
Signus [muttering, over intercom]: 'Sa, 'wa, 'lo... (takes deep breath) 
Well, I am going to anyway. What are your reactions to the film?
NeoVid: What film? ...OH. Well, it made no impression on me, except 
maybe putting another bruise on my brain. This was like the first time 
I've seen forgettable SIs.
Jonatan: Plain, boring, no substance. Completely forgettable plot 
beyond the familiar Eyrie mutual adoration society. All in all, it was 
several hours I'm never going to see again. 
Rebecca: I have seen this fic before. I have seen this fic numerous 
times before. This fic is the same as all other Eyrie Fics. Ben-
Tango: -or his designated Ben-Substitute-
Rebecca: -or his designated Ben-Substitute bounces across the landscape 
being smarmy to everyone, gets everyone to like him and displays his 
WAY KEWL POWERZ! Boring!
S.D.: Basically, what she said. Only I honestly think HL's one of the 
worse ones. I mean, there's no time sense, the Knight Sabers - who 
should be experienced mercenaries - instantly accept Gryphon and Zoner 
on the basis of Gryph being able to retell the plot of something or 
other in a mildly amusing way, and then the Mary Sues of the Wedge get 
their own hardsuits only Gryphon can't be bothered allowing the 
*experts* to make his. Et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum. I have only 
one question.
Jonatan: Which is?
S.D.: Where the flaming hell did ReRob Mandeville run off to?
Jonatan: I shudder to think.

[Tango's comments should be last]

Tango: I like guns and cheese! And AiAi likes bananas!

Signus [over intercom]: Mmm... okay, okay...
(Sounds of scribbling.)
Signus [over intercom]: There! All my notes are complete...
(Long pause.)
Vidstudent: Well, what are you still waiting for? Open up the door and 
let us out!
Signus [over intercom]: Err... could you guys wait a while until I 
finish typing my report? 
All: WHAT?!?
Signus [over intercom]: I want to, you know, make sure you're all here 
so that I can clarify things with you easily and all.
Jonatan: Hey! Aren't you done with the experiment? You can finish your 
bloody report on your own!
Signus [over intercom]: Well... you see...
NeoVid: Yeah! And you don't even order us pizza!
Vidstudent: (cocks his gun) My fingers are getting itchy here...
Signus [over intercom]: No can do, guys. (Pause) Although I can send in 
pizza...
(Intercom shuts down. Eight pizza boxes drop down from the ceiling and 
onto the riffers' laps... except Ranma X, who caught his with his 
spatula, and Tango, who caught his with his face.)
Tango: (wiping cheese off his face) Yech! (Brings a cheese covered 
finger to his mouth for a taste) Mmmm... mozzarella-y...
S.D.: The nerve! Thinking he can keep us here just by feeding us pizza!
(Ranma X, MMK, and Tango simultaneously turn and look at her. Their 
mouths are stuffed with the food.)
Ranma X, MMK, Tango [muffled]: Mhuh?
Jonatan [muffled]: The bastard.
NeoVid [muffled]: Should've provided drinks, too.
Jonatan [muffled]: Oh yes.
S.D.: (sighs) Never mind.
Rebecca: Still... (picks up a slice and takes a bite) We better get 
going in case he decides to show us more of that crap!
Tango: (suddenly stands up) AHH!
(All look at Tango.)
NeoVid: What?
Jonatan: Did Timmy fall down the well?
Tango: I NEED WATER!!! AHHHHHH!!! (starts running around the theater 
holding his mouth)
(All follow him with their eyes. Ranma X studies Tango's neglected 
pizza box.)
Ranma X: Huh. Chili anchovies and wasabi flakes. Go figure.
Tango: (still running in circles) AHHHHHHHH!!!
NeoVid: MMK! Quick!
(MMK nods and jumps behind his seat. He comes out wearing a traffic 
policeman's uniform, complete with whistle, white gloves, and glowing 
arrow sign.)
Tango: (still running in circles) AHHHHHHHH!!! [pause] Peppery. [pause] 
AHHHHHHHH!!!
(MMK jumps in front of Tango's path and blows his whistle. His arrow 
sign is pointing at the theater doors. Tango stops.)
MMK: Thataway! (points with his sign)
Tango: Thanks! AHHHHHHHH!!! It burns! It burns! (Tango follows MMK's 
signal and crashes through the door.)
S.D.: Doors are open!
Rebecca: Let's get out of here!
(All, except NeoVid and Jonatan, rush out of the theater.)
NeoVid: (standing up and still eating pizza) People these days... 
always in a hurry.
Jonatan: (ditto) Wise men say, only fools rush in...
NeoVid: They do?
Jonatan: And take the best seats.
NeoVid: Bastards.
(They exit.)


***********


"Er, Sig..." 

"Yes, Mark?" Signus answered without looking up from his terminal.

"They're out."

Signus froze. He turned his head slowly towards his friend's direction. 

"They're... out?" He repeated with a gulp.

Mark nodded.

"Where are they now?" Signus asked.

"Tango's inside the lobby draining the water from the fish tank. 
Jonatan and NeoVid apparently decided to eat their pizza in the lobby 
reception area. The rest are spread out and searching for our 
location," Mark reported.

"How long before they find us?" Signus asked.

Something apparently large made a loud thud on the door.

"Open up!" said a voice behind the door.

"We know you're in there!" another voice joined in.

Another thud.

"Ummm... unless you ordered another pizza, that should be them right 
now," Mark said, staring at the door. A large bead of sweat appeared 
behind his head. "I hope you've got an escape plan, Sig, because I--
GYAAAAHHHH!!!" 

He turned his head to see an empty space where Signus sat just a few 
moments ago.

A note was taped to the computer screen. Mark approached the screen and 
read the note, which said "Take care of them for me. I have a report to 
finish. I owe you, buddy. Hugs and kisses, Siggy."

A louder thud emanated from the door as one of the hinges started to 
give way.

"Crap."


***********


"NeoVid?" Jonatan asked.

"Yes, Jon?" NeoVid replied.

"Is that Signus outside the theater and using W4's trike to pedal out 
of here at 15 kilometers per hour?" He pointed outside the window.

NeoVid followed the direction of his finger and nodded. "Yeah, that's 
him all right."

"Oh," Jonatan said. He downed another gulp from his glass before 
continuing, "Who's that one screaming in pain then?"

NeoVid listened for a moment before answering. "Oh, that'd be Ranma X."

"Should we help him?"

"Nah. That'd take, y'know, effort."

***********


"--you damn people--" 

THUD 

"*Ow!* --are off--" 

THUD 

"*OW*! --MY DAMN CHRISTMAS CARD LIST!"

"Don't worry, Ran," MMK assured him with a grin. "The door's giving 
way!"

"I DON'T CARE IF THE FRIGGIN' DOOR'S GIVING COOKIES! LET ME DOWN NOW!" 
Ranma X screamed.

"Once more!" Tango yelled. He, the MMK, and Vidstudent ran towards the 
door with their improvised battering ram.

"I'M GONNA GET YOU GUYS FOR THIS!!!" Ranma shouted as his head was 
rammed into the door. The door gave a little more.

"Should we be letting them do this?" S.D. asked, grunting a bit.

"Let them have their fun," Rebecca said. "Tango's better if left alone 
with his fun. The MMK isn't any different either." She paused. 
"Speaking of which... Who are you aiming at?"

S.D. paused from pulling the trigger of an oversized crossbow and 
turned her head sheepishly to Rebecca. "What?" she asked innocently.

"Never mind."

"One more time!" Tango yelled.

"I HATE YOU!!!" Ranma screamed as his head made contact with the wood 
for the umpteenth time.

The door, probably deciding that Ranma X had suffered enough, finally 
gave way. The trio cheered and dropped their companion unceremoniously 
on the floor. Ranma X was too disoriented to complain.

"Lookee all them mini-pikachus! Wheee!!!" Ranma did a twist before 
collapsing to unconsciousness.

Vidstudent checked his gun. "He's inside! Get him!" He charged through the 
broken door. Tango and MMK followed, stomping on Ranma X as they made 
their way past. It naturally woke Ranma up with fresh pain. He slowly 
got up and staggered through the door, mumbling about revenge plans.

S.D. and Rebecca followed them inside, sighing and muttering "boys will 
be boys..."

Inside they did not find Signus. All they found was Mark waving a small 
white flag and hiding behind a large Liddo plushie.

"I'm unarmed! I surrender!" Mark shouted.

Rebecca hauled him up by his shirt, snarling. "Where's your friend?"

"Gone. He left quickly," Mark explained. "Please don't hurt me. I was 
only his assistant..."

"How did he get out?" S.D. remarked incredulously. "I thought that door 
was the only way in here..."

Ranma X stretched his bruised arms and checked for broken bones. "Maybe 
he used the secret passage through the air vent that I--"

He paused as he noticed the dark stares directed at him.

"--don't know a thing about," he completed. He breathed a sigh of 
relief when the others' attention returned to Mark.

"So," Vidstudent started, "what do we do now?"

MMK grinned and held up some ropes and a blindfold.

"Anyone want a party?" MMK asked.


***********


"Guys! This is not funny!" Mark shouted.

"Told you we should have gagged him," Tango commented as he stuffed 
Mark's mouth with a handkerchief and sealed it with tape. Mark 
protested inaudibly after that.

"He's ready to go!" MMK said.

The theater lobby had undergone a marvelous transformation. In a span 
of one hour, it had been decorated with fiesta banderitas, plastic 
fruits, and colorful paper streamers. The eight were now decked out in 
Mexican festival costumes.

"I say," Rebecca remarked. "When you mentioned party, you guys went all 
out, huh?"

Ranma X pushed a button and the karaoke system started playing samba 
music. Jonatan was behind the bar preparing something. Vidstudent was 
mixing something into the salsa dip.

NeoVid and Tango had finished hauling Mark up. The blindfolded, bound, 
and gagged man was suspended in the middle of the lobby.

"Hang around for a bit, eh, Mark?" NeoVid attempted to joke.

Mark thrashed around and tested his bonds.

Tango ran over to S.D. and Rebecca and handed them some maracas. S.D. 
raised an eyebrow and tossed the instruments aside. "What are you guys 
gonna do to Mark anyway? He looks like a stuffed pina--"

MMK brought out a wooden yardstick and grinned.

"--ta," S.D. finished, a bit stunned.

Mark started thrashing more energetically.

Rebecca pointed at the stick. "We're going to use that on Mark?"

MMK paused and frowned. "No, silly," he said before his grin returned. 
"We're going to limbo!"

"Limbo!" Tango shouted, already doing the limbo with his body a scant 
two inches off the floor.

Mark heaved a huge sigh of relief.

"We're just going to stick Mark up there while we party," Vidstudent 
said. "'Sides, we're using his credit card for all this anyway..."

Mark tried to shout through his gag and struggled anew.

Rebecca shrugged. "If only I'd known. I wouldn't have left my steel 
baseball bat at home." She casually punched Mark with her artificial 
arm.

"You wanna see a real limbo master?" NeoVid asked. "Check this!" He 
made himself two-dimensional, and tried to out-limbo Tango.

"Anyone want tequila?" Jonatan asked, bringing out several shot glasses 
and a bottle of the liquor.

General exclamations of agreement rang through the theater.

"Uh, hey..." Tango said. "I'm stuck in limbo..."

***********


Three weeks later...

"Hehe, check it out! B+!" Signus boasted, holding up his report.

"Yeah," Mark mumbled. "After you left me there, you traitor." He poked 
at his ice cream sundae.

Signus grinned and patted Mark on the back. "Cheer up! You got off 
easy, believe me. If that were me, they'd have roasted me over an open 
fire by now."

"True, true... still doesn't make it better though," Mark grumbled.

"Look, I paid you back what they spent on that party they had," Signus 
said. "Mark, I apologize for running off like that. I had to finish 
this report. You understand, right?"

Mark pushed the cherry off the strawberry ice cream with his spoon. "I 
guess..."

"Look," Signus continued. "Let me make it up to you. I feel like 
celebrating. How about I treat you to dinner on Friday?"

Mark looked up. "Eh, why not?" He grinned. "They'll still be going 
after you once they see you anyway. You're right. I got off easy. 
Vidstudent said something about forcefeeding the entire Undocumented 
Features up your nose. NeoVid liked that idea, but said that they 
should write UF on a railroad spike and drive it into your skull. S.D. 
said something about the Gray Archive that I really didn't want to hear 
the details of. Rebecca mentioned something about cats and a sausage 
vest. Tango wanted to hook a soft serve machine up to your mouth and 
force feed you until you exploded. Jonatan... Jonatan just said 
something ominous about introducing you to his fiance."

Signus gulped and chuckled. "Er, I'd rather not know, pare. I'm still 
in a good mood as of the moment." He leaned back. "So, I'm treating you 
out this Friday, right?"

"Fine," Mark said. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well, there's this new Mexican place over at the mal--"

*CRASH*

Mark left the canteen in a huff, leaving Signus with a dish of ice 
cream on his head.

"What'd I say? What'd I say?"


***********


END... ?